You are preparing a dinner menu to celebrate a special occasion and need to decide what food you will serve to your friends. Describe each of the foods you will include on your menu and explain why you made the choices you did. Describe how you will present the meal to your friends.

Model Essay

Can you imagine twenty five years of unconditional love to one another? As this coming month is rapidly approaching, I have been reminded of our good friends, Jane and Bob's 25th wedding anniversary on November fifth. I feel they deserve an intimate dinner party surrounded by all of you, their very dear and close friends. Our gathering will be on Wednesday, November 1st, and will begin at five o'clock in the evening, in my home. This will be a surprise to Jane and Bob because they believe we are just having an evening out at their favorite restaurant. What a joy it will be to see their faces as they enter our home, and realize that we have all come together to celebrate the greatness of their twenty five years of marriage.

The celebration will initially get underway with some special hors d'oevres including fresh mushroom caps stuffed with a lovely blue cheese filling, a warm crab dip served with soft pita chips, and a warm cheddar cheese fondue served with pieces of French bread. I have chosen these warm hors d'oevres to take the chill off the cool, crisp November weather. These will be available to everyone upon arrival to the house and up until the time dinner is served in the formal dinning room. They will be served on warmers around the living room area. Drinks of all types will be located in the bar area of the living room. I will also be serving a hot apple cider and a variety of hot herbal teas, knowing your appreciation of these. A special drink will be served during dinner, if you so choose to imbibe the alcoholic variety.

Soft dinner music will be featured throughout the house, and I've asked our local florist to decorate the home in shades of yellow, oranges, and reds. Feel free to socialize and stroll through our home while we await the arrival of our guests of honor. Once our honorees arrive at six o'clock, we will take a few minutes to extend our greetings and then proceed to the formal dining room for a meal to remember. Dinner will be served on my grandmother's beautiful china set which I have inherited and only use for supreme, special occasions. We will first have a champagne toast and our good friend and minister, John, will lead us in a dinner prayer.

Our meal will start with a Caesar salad complete with anchovies and homemade dressing and croutons. I would like to serve this due to Jane's love of this particular salad. With salads finished, we will move on to the main course of prime rib, garlic mashed potatoes, and lightly sauteed asparagus tips. I will be getting the appropriate sized prime rib from the butcher when I have a final attendance count. The butcher is working with me to ensure that we have the right amount of meat and also, to be able to serve everyone their desired preference of well, medium, or rare. I'm choosing prime rib, not simply for the simplicity of the meat, but so that I may also enjoy and socialize with everyone. The wonderful flavor and aroma of the meat was also a solid reason for this defined choice. The garlic potatoes are just a favorite of mine that are an easy to-do ahead-of-time potato, which then will be piped onto the plates to make a beautiful impression. Sauteed asparagus tips are so easy, fast, and tasty; and the added bonus involves the color of these tips accentuating the fine china plate patterns.

Drinks with the meal will be at your discretion; however, I will be serving a vintage, Merlot wine at the meal if you so choose to accept. I am serving the Merlot at the suggestion of the wine steward of my favorite wine store, who assures me, it will truly enhance the flavor of the meal in a memorable and impressive way. There will also be the usual water goblets filled with water and lemon at every setting.

Dessert will be buffet style, back in the living room. There will be a table filled with various desserts from chocolate mousse to cakes and pies. This way, while everyone is winding down, they may sit back and enjoy a cup of warm coffee or tea, and a dessert or two.

I hope to make Jane and Bob's twenty-fifth anniversary an affair to remember. I sincerely hope that you can all attend and join in their happiness as we celebrate their wonderful life together.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience. Furthermore, the writer completes and goes beyond the limits of the task. Specifically, the writer grabs the readers’ attention by very effectively using an engaging statement at the beginning of the introduction.

(“Can you imagine twenty five years of unconditional love to one another?”) The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with details about a social gathering and a menu for the occasion. (“I feel they deserve an intimate dinner party surrounded by all of you, their very dear and close friends. Our gathering will be on Wednesday, November 1st, and will begin at five o'clock in the evening, in my home.”) All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea in an effective manner.

(“The celebration will initially get underway with some special hors d'oevres including fresh mushroom caps stuffed with a lovely blue cheese filling, a warm crab dip served with soft pita chips, and a warm cheddar cheese fondue served with pieces of French bread.”)

Content & Development

This essay exhibits very effective content and development. The writer develops ideas fully, using a wide variety of appropriate details to support his/her ideas. In particular, supporting details develop examples well. (“Our meal will start with a Caesar salad complete with anchovies and homemade dressing and croutons. I would like to serve this due to Jane's love of this particular salad.”) The content in the body

paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“Drinks with the meal will be at your discretion; however, I will be serving a vintage, Merlot wine at the meal if you so choose to accept. I am serving the Merlot at the suggestion of the wine steward of my favorite wine store, who assures me, it will truly enhance the flavor of the meal in a memorable and impressive way.”) Specific information about food items is developed very effectively. (“I have chosen these warm hors d'oevres to take the chill off the cool, crisp November weather. These will be available to everyone upon arrival to the house and up until the time dinner is served in the formal dinning room.”)

Organization

This essay exhibits very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion; also, effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices is seen throughout. Primarily, the essay demonstrates a very effective introduction. (“Can you imagine twenty five years of unconditional love to one another? As this coming month is rapidly approaching, I have been reminded of our good friends, Jane and Bob's 25th wedding anniversary on November fifth. I feel they deserve an intimate dinner party. . . .”) The introduction also includes very effective background information about the topic. (“This will be a surprise to Jane and Bob because they believe we are just having an evening out at their favorite restaurant. What a joy it will be to see their faces as they enter our home, and realize that we have all come together to celebrate the greatness of their twenty five years of marriage.”) The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion. (“I hope to make Jane and Bob's twenty- fifth anniversary an affair to remember. I sincerely hope that you can all attend and join in their happiness as we celebrate their wonderful life together.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates very effective language use and style. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. In addition, the writer uses well-structured and varied sentences. Specifically, the language and tone are consistent in the essay. (“I am serving the Merlot at the suggestion of the wine steward of my favorite wine store, who assures me, it will truly enhance the flavor of the meal in a memorable and impressive way. There will also be the usual water goblets filled with water and lemon at every setting.”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the

controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“Soft dinner music will be featured throughout the house, and I've asked our local florist to decorate the home in shades of yellow, oranges, and reds. Feel free to socialize and stroll through our home while we await the arrival of our guests of honor. Once our honorees arrive at six o'clock, we will take a few minutes to extend our greetings and then proceed to the formal dining room for a meal to remember.”) Compound, complex, and compound-complex sentences are used effectively. (“Drinks with the meal will be at your discretion; however, I will be serving a vintage, Merlot wine at the meal if you so choose to accept.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates very effective control of conventions and mechanics. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, and

each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“Feel free to socialize and stroll through our home while we await the arrival of our guests of honor. Once our honorees arrive at six o'clock, we will take a few minutes to extend our greetings and then proceed to the formal dining room for a meal to remember. Dinner will be served on my grandmother's beautiful china set which I have inherited and only use for supreme, special occasions. We will first have a champagne toast and our good friend and minister, John, will lead us in a

dinner prayer.”)

Model Essay

Dinner is the most important meal of the day to me. If I were to prepare a dinner menu for my friends, it would be food that basically everyone loves. This would not be some super expensive, extremely formal type dinner either. This would be the kind of dinner that people just come over to eat and just have fun without feeling they are going to embarrass themselves in the middle of an extremely nice place. Dinner is the best meal to make an impression on everyone. Because big dinners usually take a long time to prepare for, my dinner will take just a few moments to get everything in order. I would simply just get the food and come home, then put the food on the table and wait on the guests. The hardest part would be to make sure the house is clean and worthy enough for others to lay eyes on it.

The first thing every dinner starts with, even if most people do not think about it, is to make sure the place that is holding the dinner is acceptable in all aspects. This will probably be the longest part of preparation and the hardest. With this step done, the rest will be easy to get ready for. I will first then get the main course and make sure there is enough for everyone to stuff their faces. My main course would have to be stuffed crust, cheese pizza from Pizza Hut. I would get about six large cheese pizzas for everyone to enjoy because almost everyone loves cheese pizza.

Cheese pizza will have to be my main part of the meal. If people want something a little bit more of something beside pizza, they will have the option of eating some nachos and a cheese. The chips would have to be Nacho Cheese chips and some homemade cheese dip made out of real cheese. This is the best kind of the nachos and cheese you can get. I will make enough to fill up the people who possibly didn't eat

the pizza. Whatever is leftover and more will not go to waste, I will eat the rest of the nachos until not one chip is left.

The last part of the meal will be dessert. This will be a special dessert that my mom makes herself. This special dessert is called her "Death by Chocolate Cake." The cake is made completely of almost any chocolate food there is including: a double layer devil's chocolate cake, chocolate pudding, chocolate icing, chocolate sprinkles, chocolate cookies, and chocolate whipped cream. My mom's cake is so fattening and good that it is hard to finish a single slice of the cake. The cake usually will stay in our refrigerator for a week. This cake should satisfy anyone's stomach that was a tiny bit hungry. This meal is enough to make everyone leave the party full and maybe even with a huge stomach ache.

My dinner will leave everyone wanting to come back for another party. They will be have such a good time that they might not want to leave. I might have to drag them out of my house one by one. It would not bother me so much because I know it was a party not many will soon forget. They might even start talking about it all over the school. The dinner could even influence others to throw a party just like me.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates good focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience. The writer completes all parts of the task. In particular, the essay grabs the readers’ attention by using an engaging statement at the

beginning of the introduction. (“Dinner is the most important meal of the day to me. If I were to prepare a dinner menu for my friends, it would be food that basically everyone loves.”) The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about a dinner menu and the respective dinner’s location. (“The first thing every dinner starts with, even if most people do not think about it, is to make sure the place that is holding the dinner is acceptable in all aspects.”) All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. (“My main course would have to be stuffed crust, cheese pizza from Pizza Hut. I would get about six large cheese pizzas for everyone to enjoy because almost everyone loves cheese pizza.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates good content and development. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient, appropriate details. Specifically, there are a variety of details that explain main ideas. (“The cake is made completely of almost any chocolate food there is including: a double layer devil's chocolate cake, chocolate pudding, chocolate icing, chocolate sprinkles, chocolate cookies, and chocolate whipped cream. My mom's cake is so fattening and good that it is hard to finish a single slice of the cake.”) The

details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“The last part of the meal will be dessert. This will be a special dessert that my mom makes herself. This special

dessert is called her ‘Death by Chocolate Cake.’”) Supporting details develop the example well. (“If people want something a little bit more of something beside pizza, they will have the option of eating some nachos and a cheese. The chips would have to be Nacho Cheese chips and some homemade cheese dip

made out of real cheese.”)

Organization

This essay exhibits good organization. The essay demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout. In particular, the essay provides a good introduction. (“Dinner is the most important meal of the day to me. If I were to prepare a dinner menu for my friends, it would be food that basically everyone loves. This would not be some super expensive, extremely formal type dinner either.”) The introduction includes

adequate background information about the topic. (“Dinner is the best meal to make an impression on everyone. Because big dinners usually take a long time to prepare for, my dinner will take just a few moments to get everything in order.”) The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion. (“My dinner will leave everyone wanting to come back for another party. They will be have such a good time that they might not want to leave. I might have to drag them out of my house one by one.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates good language use and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. Also, the writer uses well- structured sentences with some variety. The language and tone are consistent. (“The last part of the meal will be dessert. This will be a special dessert that my mom makes herself. This special dessert is called her ‘Death by Chocolate Cake.’”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how main and supporting points are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“Cheese pizza will have to be my main part of the meal. If people want something a little bit more of something beside pizza, they will have the option of eating some nachos and a cheese. The chips would have to be Nacho Cheese chips and some homemade cheese dip made out of real cheese.”) Compound and complex

sentences are used effectively. (“The first thing every dinner starts with, even if most people do not think about it, is to make sure the place that is holding the dinner is acceptable in all aspects.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay exhibits good control of conventions and mechanics. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, begin with a capital letter, and paragraphs are distinguished with a line break. (“My dinner will leave everyone wanting to come back for another party. They will be have such a good time that they might not want to leave. I might have to drag them out of my house one by one. It would not bother me so much because I know it was a party not many will soon forget. They might even start talking about it all over the school. The dinner could even influence others to throw a party just like me.”)

Model Essay

Have you ever wanted a more exotic variety of food? Well, I am making a special menu for my friends because it is a very special occasion. In this menu I will include exotic and foreign dishes to make my up my menu. The menu would have a variety of different food from all over the globe. The following is the list food that I would be serving to my friends; Spaghetti imported straight from Italy, Adobo directly from the Philippines, and Sushi from Japan. I would gladly serve all of this food to my friends on this very special occasion. This would be a very enjoyable occasion.

For one of my dishes, I chose Spaghetti. I know for a fact that many of my friends enjoy the taste of Spaghetti and they would really love some imported straight from Italy. The Spaghetti would have extra sauce and very delicious pasta. I would serve peppers and Parmesan cheese on a separate plate. I would have my chef cook the Spaghetti in front of my friends and serve it directly to them. This might possibly be my favorite dish on the menu.

For my Filipino dish, I chose to serve a very famous dish called Adobo. This is a very tastey and delicious chicken recipe that can be found in the Philippines. The Adobo would be served with rice and would be cooked and served by my chef. I would present this dish myself and serve all of my friends personally. This is a dish that comes from my culture and is my familys favorite dish of the menu.

Now, for the last dish, I chose to serve Sushi imported directly from Japan. Sushi is a very famous dish here in America, but few people have actually tried Sushi from Japan. This would be served on a wooden board by my chef and would hand cooked by me, personally. The Sushi would be made from freshly caught Salmon and freshly cooked rice. It would be wrapped in seaweed and served with Wasabi.

Now that I have listed all of my dishes for this special occasion, I really hope that my friends would enjoy the food that will be made. For this special occasion I put together a very special menu. This menu has a

good variety of foreign dishes and is very good, in my opinion. In conclusion, I hope that this will be a very good menu for my guests and would be a very tasty dinner for them as well.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes a controlling idea and demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience while completing many parts of the task. Specifically, the essay’s purpose is stated adequately. (“Well, I am making a special menu for my friends because it is a very special occasion. In this menu I will include exotic and foreign dishes to make my up my menu.”) The writer understands the intended audience adequately. (“For one of my dishes, I chose Spaghetti. I know for a fact that many of my friends enjoy the taste of Spaghetti and they would really love some imported straight from Italy.”) The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience, as there is little use of slang or contractions. (“I would gladly serve all of this food to my friends on this very

special occasion. This would be a very enjoyable occasion.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates adequate content and development. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details to support ideas. Specifically, the main ideas of the body paragraphs support the writer’s thesis. (“For one of my dishes, I chose Spaghetti. I know for a fact that many of my friends enjoy the taste of Spaghetti and they would really love some imported straight from Italy.”) The writer uses adequate

details to illustrate main ideas. (“Now, for the last dish, I chose to serve Sushi imported directly from Japan. Sushi is a very famous dish here in America, but few people have actually tried Sushi from Japan.”) The essay contains facts and explanations about each of the writer’s main ideas. (“This would be served on a wooden board by my chef and would hand cooked by me, personally. The Sushi would be made from freshly caught Salmon and freshly cooked rice. It would be wrapped in seaweed and served with Wasabi.”)

Organization

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. (“Now, for the last dish, I chose to serve Sushi imported directly from Japan.”) The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“In conclusion, I hope that this will be a very good menu for my guests and would be a very tasty dinner for

them as well.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates adequate language use and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. Furthermore, the writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied.

(“Now that I have listed all of my dishes for this special occasion, I really hope that my friends would enjoy the food that will be made. For this special occasion I put together a very special menu.”) Words used in

the essay relate to the prompt task. (“Well, I am making a special menu for my friends because it is a very special occasion. In this menu I will include exotic and foreign dishes to make my up my menu.”) However, word choice is sometimes poor. (“This is a dish that comes from my culture and is my familys favorite dish of the menu.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

punctuation mark, begin with a capital letter, and paragraphs are distinguished by a line break. (“Now that I have listed all of my dishes for this special occasion, I really hope that my friends would enjoy the food that will be made. For this special occasion I put together a very special menu. This menu has a good variety of foreign dishes and is very good, in my opinion. In conclusion, I hope that this will be a very good menu for my guests and would be a very tasty dinner for them as well.”)

Model Essay

What is the best dinner that you have ever had. Do you think that the perfect meal has ever existed? I know it can exist because I have a dream that it will come to be one of these days. I know what it will taste like and what kind of food will be there. Just thinking about it makes my mouth water. Soon yours will be to.

My favorite food that will be at the party is candy yams. Candy yams have been my favorite food since I was a little kid. To me any type of yam is good even if it is just a yam with no sugar. Another reason that candy yams will be there is that it will kind of set the mood that the dinner is going to be sweet. I believe that something sweet will make everyone relaxed and calm.

The next type of food that will be there is steak. What kind of dinner will it be without steak. Out of all the special ocasions that I have been to there has always been steak there. One thing that will bring out is A-I sauce. I love that barb-bque sauce and I think everyone else does to. Steak will be the only meat at the party.

The last food that I will have is ice cream and cake. I would not have any vegetables because I do not think anyone will eat them. I would pick ice cream and cake because it would not be a party without them. I know that I will hate to go to a party with out deserts. The last party that I went to without cake or ice cream it was a disaster so that is why I am adding it.

Those are the foods that I would pick for my party.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates limited focus and meaning. The writer establishes a controlling idea but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience, thus only completing some parts of the task. Specifically, the writer presents a limited central idea. (“I know what it will taste like and what kind of food will be there. Just thinking about it makes my mouth water. Soon yours will be to.”) In the introduction, only a limited supporting idea of the essay is stated. (“Do you think that the perfect meal has ever existed? I know it can exist because I have a dream that it will come to be one of these days.”) The writing style is not always appropriate for the audience. (“The last party that I went to without cake or ice cream it was a disaster so that is why I am adding it.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates limited content and development. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support ideas. In particular, the essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“The next type of food that will be there is steak. What kind of dinner will it be without steak. Out of all the special ocasions that I have been to there has always been steak there.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the writer’s thesis. (“Candy yams have been my favorite food since I was a little kid.”) The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“I would pick ice cream and cake because it would not be a party without them. I know that I will hate to go to a party with out deserts.”)

Organization

This essay exhibits limited organization. The essay demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. The essay lacks consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. The introduction attempts to include a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“Do you think that the perfect meal has ever existed? I know it can exist because I have a dream that it will come to be one of

these days.”) There is some evidence of transitional devices to help connect ideas. (“The next type of food that will be there is steak . . . The last food that I will have is ice cream and cake.”) The conclusion attempts to summarize the main points of the essay. (“Those are the foods that I would pick for my party.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates limited language use and style. The writer demonstrates simple language and word choice with some awareness of audience and control of voice; however, the writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety. In particular, exact words are missing. (“I love that barb-bque sauce and I think everyone else does to.”) More effective transitions are needed. (“The next type of food

that will be there is steak . . . The last food that I will have is ice cream and cake.”) There are run-on portions in the essay. (“The last party that I went to without cake or ice cream it was a disaster so that is why I am adding it.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates limited control of conventions and mechanics. The essay contains several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the

communication of the writer’s message. The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, ends with a punctuation mark, and begins with a capital letter. (“The last food that I will have is ice

cream and cake. I would not have any vegetables because I do not think anyone will eat them. I would pick ice cream and cake because it would not be a party without them. I know that I will hate to go to a party with out deserts. The last party that I went to without cake or ice cream it was a disaster so that is why I am adding it.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

A dinner is always something special that wil catch peoples atension. Well im having a dinner menu that wil include enchiladas, rice, and beans. This dish is one of my best one and i would like to see what other people think of it. I chosed this menu for the reson that it always works best. Many people have tried it and they are familar with it already. I will also present this menu to my guest.

Some ways I will present this dish to them is by asking them if they are interested on eating. If they say I will tell them whats for dinner. Then we will start a conversation with them ask ask them how was the food.Hopefully they enjoyed it just like I will. this dish always comes out perfect for dinner and hopefully it still do. this is how I will present my menu to my guest.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates minimal focus and meaning. The writer suggests a controlling idea but demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience, thus only completing few parts of the

task. Specifically, the essay does not state a clear controlling idea. (“A dinner is always something special that wil catch peoples atension. Well im having a dinner menu that wil include enchiladas, rice, and beans.”) The writer does not demonstrate an understanding of audience because he/she does not include

relevant details to make ideas clear. (“Some ways I will present this dish to them is by asking them if they

are interested on eating. If they say I will tell them whats for dinner.”) The writing style is not appropriate for the audience. (“this dish always comes out perfect for dinner and hopefully it still do. this is how I will present my menu to my guest.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates minimal content and development. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support ideas, as details are used minimally to explain and illustrate the

evidence. (“Some ways I will present this dish to them is by asking them if they are interested on eating. If they say I will tell them whats for dinner.”) Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“Then we will start a conversation with them ask ask them how was the food.Hopefully they

enjoyed it just like I will.”) The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“I chosed this menu for the reson that it always works best. Many people have tried it and they are familar with it already. I will also present this menu to my guest.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates minimal organization. There is little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion; also, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. The essay demonstrates little evidence of a good introduction. (“A dinner is always something special that wil catch peoples atension. Well im having a dinner menu that wil include enchiladas, rice, and beans.”) The introduction does little to include a clear sentence to explain what the essay is about. (“This dish is one of my best one and i would like to see what other people think of it. I chosed this menu for the reson that it always works best.”) Transitions between paragraphs are needed. (“Some ways I will present this dish to them is by asking them if they are interested on eating. If they say I will tell them whats for dinner.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay exhibits minimal language use and style. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience. There are also basic errors in sentence structure and usage. Specifically, the style is not formal. (“Well im having a dinner menu that wil include enchiladas, rice, and beans. This dish is one of my best one and i would like to see what other people think of it.”) The essay uses the same group of words to begin the two sentences in the paragraph. (“this dish always comes out perfect for dinner and hopefully it still do. this is how I will present my menu to my guest.”) Exact words

are missing. (“Some ways I will present this dish to them is by asking them if they are interested on eating. If they say I will tell them whats for dinner.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is minimal control of conventions and mechanics in this essay. There are patterns of error in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. The writer does not consistently compose sentences with a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, begin each sentence with a capital letter, or follow

capitalization conventions. (“A dinner is always something special that wil catch peoples atension. Well im having a dinner menu that wil include enchiladas, rice, and beans. This dish is one of my best one and i would like to see what other people think of it. I chosed this menu for the reson that it always works best.

Many people have tried it and they are familar with it already. I will also present this menu to my guest.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

I will be having a party at 301 main st. anytown pa. it will be held on 12/24. it will begin at 9:00pm and ends at 3:30am. i would like you to where comfertable clothes. nothing fancy. food and drinks are free . menu is hot lettuce, chillie, baked beans, halushki soup, and chese dogs. drinks are served at bar. beer, soda, fruit punch, mix drinks. snacks are chips, pretzles, and dip. deserts are christmas cookies, milk, ice cream, cake, and applesause. every one gets a gift.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning. The writer fails to establish a central controlling idea and demonstrates no understanding of purpose and audience; furthermore, the writer completes few or no parts of the task. Specifically, the essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include clear details. Supporting ideas for the essay or a main point of view are not clearly stated. (“I will be having a party at 301 main st. anytown pa. it will be held on 12/24. it will begin at 9:00pm and ends at 3:30am. i would like you to where comfertable clothes. nothing fancy. food and drinks are free . menu is hot lettuce, chillie, baked beans, halushki soup, and chese dogs. drinks are served at bar. beer, soda, fruit punch, mix drinks. snacks are chips, pretzles, and dip. deserts are christmas cookies, milk, ice cream, cake, and applesause. every one gets a gift.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates inadequate or no content and development. The writer fails to develop ideas, using no details to support main ideas. Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay, at least three main ideas are not included as evidence, and there are no main ideas in the body paragraphs. (“I will be having a party at 301 main st. anytown pa. it will be held on 12/24. it will begin at 9:00pm and ends at 3:30am. i would like you to where comfertable clothes. nothing fancy. food and drinks are free . menu is hot lettuce, chillie, baked beans, halushki soup, and chese dogs. drinks are served at bar. beer, soda, fruit punch, mix drinks. snacks are chips, pretzles, and dip. deserts are christmas cookies, milk, ice cream, cake, and applesause. every one gets a gift.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates inadequate organization. The essay does not exhibit evidence of a unified structure with an introduction or conclusion; there is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

In particular, the essay demonstrates no evidence of a good introduction, transitional devices are not used to help connect ideas, and the essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“I will be having a party at 301 main st. anytown pa. it will be held on 12/24. it will begin at 9:00pm and ends at 3:30am. i would like you to where comfertable clothes. nothing fancy. food and drinks are free . menu is hot lettuce, chillie, baked beans, halushki soup, and chese dogs. drinks are served at bar. beer, soda, fruit punch, mix drinks. snacks are chips, pretzles, and dip. deserts are christmas cookies, milk, ice cream, cake, and applesause. every one gets a gift.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates inadequate language use and style. The essay exhibits unclear or incoherent language use and word choice with no awareness of audience. There are also major errors in sentence structure and usage. There are run-on portions in the essay, lengths of the sentences are short, and the style is not formal. (“I will be having a party at 301 main st. anytown pa. it will be held on 12/24. it will begin at 9:00pm and ends at 3:30am. i would like you to where comfertable clothes. nothing fancy. food and drinks are free . menu is hot lettuce, chillie, baked beans, halushki soup, and chese dogs. drinks are served at bar.

beer, soda, fruit punch, mix drinks. snacks are chips, pretzles, and dip. deserts are christmas cookies, milk, ice cream, cake, and applesause. every one gets a gift.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

conventions. (“I will be having a party at 301 main st. anytown pa. it will be held on 12/24. it will begin at 9:00pm and ends at 3:30am. i would like you to where comfertable clothes. nothing fancy. food and drinks are free . menu is hot lettuce, chillie, baked beans, halushki soup, and chese dogs. drinks are served at bar. beer, soda, fruit punch, mix drinks. snacks are chips, pretzles, and dip. deserts are christmas cookies, milk, ice cream, cake, and applesause. every one gets a gift.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

We often fail to realize that the choices we make about our health can be unhealthy ones. Lifestyle choices affect our long-term health as well as our risk for disease.

Imagine that you could change things about your lifestyle that would make you healthier. Describe what these changes would be and how they would benefit you and make our society a healthier one.

Model Essay

Having a healthy America should be a top priority for all of us, since the cost of an unhealthy lifestryle to society, families, and individuals is too great. Americans are, sadly, unhealthy. Why this is so is the topic of this essay. Changes in my own lifestyle are important as well. Therefore, I will highlight changes that each of us can make, while suggesting ways in which I will address my own lifestyle and its health.

For instance, the percentage of overweight people in America is very high and growing by the day. The reason for this is due to the fact that Americans, as a whole, are lazy and the foods we choose to eat are high in fat and carbohydrates. These high fat foods are usually located in fast food restaurant that happen to be located everywhere. Fast foods are a cheap form of fuel that is very unhealthy. We eat more of types of these foods because they satisfy our cravings for salt and fat. Further, I myself eat too many french fries.

These fires dominate my diet. Unfortunately, with the increase in high caloric foods, we are increasing our chances of many different health risks such as heart disease and diabetes. Foods that are high in preservatives, carbohydrates, saturated fats will store in your body as unused fuel that then increases the fat cells to grow and your cholesterol to rise.

The only way to combat this unhealthy lifestyle is to make some serious changes to our current way of life. A proper diet is the first step to change. The next is a form of consistent exercise. The last is how we view and think of food. If we can change our view of dining then we will help prevent or avoid certain medical problems such as diabetes and heart disease that can ruin a life. As for me, my youth protects me for now. But I know that if I do not make the appropriate changes, my life may one day include insulin dependence and other chronic complaints.

A prescription for change and a healthy lifestyle are necessary steps. The change that I see being made first is having a healthier diet. Most people fall into the mode of eating junk food or fast food. Why? It's easy and inexpensive. We need to educate ourselves about healthier foods. It's okay to eat fast food once in a while, but to have it on a regular basis makes you unhealthy. It is important to create a diet of protein such as chicken, beef or fish. I see that we also need to eat fresh vegetables and fruit.. Our bodies need some carbohydrates because they turn it into fuel so we can be functional.

With a proper diet comes exercise. As we eat healthier and begin to feel better, we need to begin rasing our heart rate through aerobic exercise programs. So along with running, biking, or swimming for our aerobic workout, a person needs to lift weights to build muscle and burn calories. It is also a proven fact that the only way to reduce our body fat is to build muscle. Muscle is the only tissue in the body that burns energy. As a person increase their muscle weight, they begin to burn calories and this reduces our body fat. The benefits that we get from eating right and exercising is that we will feel and look better.

If we continue to do nothing but snack on junk food and sit on the couch watching television instead of exercising, then our society might possibly begin to see our life-spans decrease instead of increasing as they have done in every generation. To many food is a self-esteem problem. They find themselves in a vicious circle where the wrong food acts like an obsessive drug that gives them fake comfort. And so they eat to bury their feelings and problems. The only way for such people to overcome this form of addiction is to

seek proper medical care to change the way they think about food. Without this kind of medical care they will never lose the weight.

A diet for a new America should result from all of this. I really feel that it is so important for all of us to begin changing their eating and exercise habits. Without the proper diet and exercise program, our society is going to see a major increase health related problems and early deaths.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this thoughtful essay, the author successfully establishes an insightful thesis. (“Having a healthy America should be a top priority for all of us, since the cost of an unhealthy lifestryle to society, families, and individuals is too great… Therefore, I will highlight changes that each of us can make, while

suggesting ways in which I will address my own lifestyle and its health.”) Obviously the student has a clear understanding of the audience and the purpose of the task. The writer remains focused on this controlling idea, which is expanded and further developed as the essay progresses. The essay certainly completes all parts of the task very effectively.

Content & Development

This essay effectively develops the author’s arguments using specific and relevant details. For example, in the first body paragraph the writer goes into an in-depth assessment of the problem of obesity in America and how it has developed over time. (“The reason for this is due to the fact that Americans, as a whole, are lazy and the foods we choose to eat are high in fat and carbohydrates. These high fat foods are usually

located in fast food restaurant that happen to be located everywhere.” and “Unfortunately, with the increase in high caloric foods, we are increasing our chances of many different health risks such as heart disease and diabetes. Foods that are high in preservatives, carbohydrates, saturated fats will store in your body as unused fuel that then increases the fat cells to grow and your cholesterol to rise.”) The remainder of the essay proceeds in this same fashion. This student obviously understands how to support his/her ideas by artfully incorporating a wide variety of details that support the thesis.

Organization

This response demonstrates an entirely unified organizational structure. The introduction begins by

grabbing the reader’s attention (“Having a healthy America should be a top priority for all of us, since the cost of an unhealthy lifestryle to society, families, and individuals is too great.”) and proceeds to establish the controlling idea. The first body paragraph focuses on the weight dilemma Americans currently face, while the second body paragraph outlines the structure for the remainder of the response. (“The only way to combat this unhealthy lifestyle is to make some serious changes to our current way of life. A proper diet is the first step to change. The next is a form of consistent exercise. The last is how we view and think of food.”) Each subsequent paragraph begins with a focused topic sentence. (“The only way to combat this unhealthy lifestyle is to make some serious changes to our current way of life. “)The conclusion is also effective because it gives a strong summary of the author’s argument.

Language Use & Style

The essay is composed using very effective and cohesive language. The author is able to demonstrate a

defined stylistic voice throughout the essay. (“As for me, my youth protects me for now. But I know that if I do not make the appropriate changes, my life may one day include insulin dependence and other chronic complaints.”) This response demonstrates precise and artful language and word choice. (“They find themselves in a vicious circle where the wrong food acts like an obsessive drug that gives them fake

comfort. “) Additionally, the response is constructed of well-structured and varied sentences. (“Unfortunately, with the increase in high caloric foods, we are increasing our chances of many different health risks such as heart disease and diabetes.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

While not completely free of errors in spelling (“lifestryle” and “rasing”), punctuation, and grammar, this author demonstrates very effective control over the conventions of standard written English.

Model Essay

There are many young people who think that taking care of their health is not important. Teens often sleep late, eat whatever they want, watch too much T.V, and almost never exercise. However, I think that everyone should take care of their health from an early age. Being healthy is important, because when people grow older it will be harder for them to control their health habits. What I personally can change for myself to improve my lifestyle are my eating habits, my fitness, and my social health.

To begin with, I think that the most important part of my future change would be changing my eating habits. Most of my friends including myself usually eat whatever we want. Recently, I found out that it is not healthy to eat chips, drink coke and eat too many sweets. Some of my friends skip breakfast and lunch and consume a big portion of dinner. I learned that it is better to eat little portions every three or four hours than to eat a lot of food at one time. I also used to binge eat, which is not a very healthy choice either. Now when I am done eating I just get up and walk away from the table. I learned that eating more fruits and vegetables are more beneficial for our body. Today I am teaching my family to look at food labels when we go to the grocery store. It is important to consume the food that is good for our health not just the food that tastes good. According to the American Cancer Society, “The average American eats the equivalent of 24

teaspoons of fat a day”. Eating too much fat increases the chances of developing cancer. Therefore I decided to cut on eating fast food and increase the consumption of raw vegetables and fruits.

Another change I should make is to exercise more often. Statistics show that many people do not exercise enough. According to National Geographic Magazine, “one out of four Americans doesn’t get any exercise at all. Less than a third get the recommended minimum of a day of exercise.” This is why most Americans are overweight. To change my fitness I signed up at the gym. There I try to do more cardio work outs like running, walking, and jumping rope. Another activity that keeps me fit is my dance class. At dance class not only do we dance but we do 150 sit-ups a day and 200 squats.

Lastly, I think that I have to improve my social health as well. My friends and I didn’t care about our social habits. Most of the time we interacted through the internet and the phone. We decided that it would be much healthier for us if we meet at the park and play some sports instead of staying home watching T.V. and chatting on the internet.

Another thing I would personally change is going to sleep earlier, because I learned that not getting enough sleep causes the brain to slow down and the body to look older. The insufficient amount of sleep also causes stress.

In conclusion, I think that being healthy is very important. In order for me to stay healthy I will eat right exercising more, and get together with my friends. I hope that everything that I do will be healthier and fit. I also hope that whoever reads this essay will change their mind about being fit. I think that this society really needs to be healthy and if everyone reads my essay I think that they will change their mind about being healthy and making healthier choices.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This author establishes a clear thesis that demonstrates an understanding of the purpose of the task. (“What I personally can change for myself to improve my lifestyle are my eating habits, my fitness, and my social

health.”) The author remains focused on delivering the controlling idea to the intended audience throughout the course of the essay. The author understands the assignment and successfully completes the task.

Content & Development

This essay develops ideas using specific and relevant details and examples. For example, in the third paragraph, the author does not simply state people do not get enough exercise. Rather, he/she cites various sources to support the argument. (“Statistics show that many people do not exercise enough. According to National Geographic Magazine, ‘one out of four Americans doesn’t get any exercise at all. Less than a third get the recommended minimum of a day of exercise.’ This is why most Americans are overweight.“) By using sufficient supporting information such as this, the author is able to effectively complete the assigned task.

Organization

This essay constructs a mostly unified organizational structure. The introduction begins with an attention- getter (“There are many young people who think that taking care of their health is not important. Teens often sleep late, eat whatever they want, watch too much T.V, and almost never exercise.”) and develops the author’s thesis. Each body paragraph begins with a focused topic sentence and transitional device.

(“Lastly, I think that I have to improve my social health as well.”) The concluding paragraph effectively sums up the author’s points. (“In conclusion, I think that being healthy is very important. In order for me to stay healthy I will eat right exercising more, and get together with my friends.”)

Language Use & Style

In this response, the language use and style are appropriate and effective. The author demonstrates good word choice and sentence variety. (“However, I think that everyone should take care of their health from an early age. Being healthy is important, because when people grow older it will be harder for them to control their health habits.”) There is some evidence of voice in the student’s response as well. (“I think that this society really needs to be healthy and if everyone reads my essay I think that they will change their mind

about being healthy and making healthier choices.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This response is not without errors. However, the few mistakes in spelling, punctuation, and grammar (“In order for me to stay healthy I will eat right exercising more, and get together with my friends.“) do not interfere with the intended message.

Model Essay

Many choices in our lives affect our health everyday. Choosing weather to smoke or not to smoke is a crucial decision. Establishing certain eating and exercising habits are important as well. Drinking can also affect your health. Each of these factors can really affect how you live. Society will also improve along with better control of these factors.

Choosing to not smoke is very important. Smoking affects alot about your health. The risk of cancer in many different parts of your body increases. Emphysema can also be a danger. Besides many health hazards smoking changes your life. You must depend on the drug. It is an awful feeling to have that you cannot live without smoking. Money is also decreasing each time you purchase cigarets and this can affect how well you live, wether you are financially stable or not.

Many people don't eat healthy. Its very important to get all the vitamins and minerals that you need. If you consume the nutrients necessary to your body, you will be stronger and able to thrive. Without certain vitamins growth can be affected. Certain diets are needed depending on how much exercises you receive. Exercise is very important to your body. Its important to keep your body fit and strong. Exercise can lower your risk of many diseases along with proper diets.

Unfortunately many people drink and are unaware of what can happen to them. Liver damage is very common. When people drink they preform risky-behaviors. Drinking and driving can result in death of yourself or another human being. Some people become violent when they drink which can cause harm to others. Sometimes people even become very depressed when they are dependant on drinking.

So yes many factors affect your health. Drinking can cause you to preform risky-behaviors and harm others. Smoking can cause many health hazards which can eventually kill you. Diet and exresize are extremely important to be fit and healthy. So if you would like to become more healthy, start today its important for survival.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay can best be viewed as an adequate completion of the task. The author establishes a focused

controlling idea (“Choosing weather to smoke or not to smoke is a crucial decision. Establishing certain eating and exercising habits are important as well. Drinking can also affect your health. Each of these factors can really affect how you live.”), which is maintained throughout this essay. The response

demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the assignment and completes many parts of the task.

Content & Development

The author uses some specific and accurate details to support his/her ideas. For example, in the second paragraph, the author explicitly states various dangers involved with smoking. (“The risk of cancer in many different parts of your body increases. Emphysema can also be a danger. Besides many health hazards smoking changes your life. You must depend on the drug. It is an awful feeling to have that you cannot live without smoking.”) The remaining body paragraphs proceed in the same fashion. The essay could have

been improved with further development of the author’s ideas. However, overall, the response does contain adequate content and development.

Organization

This essay demonstrates a generally unified structure. The introduction provides a controlling idea that acts as an outline for the body of the essay. (“Choosing weather to smoke or not to smoke is a crucial decision.

Establishing certain eating and exercising habits are important as well. Drinking can also affect your

health.”) Each body paragraph begins with a focused topic sentence (“Unfortunately many people drink and are unaware of what can happen to them.”). However, the paragraphs could have been improved with more transitional devices. The conclusion is effective because it summarizes the author’s main points. (“Drinking can cause you to preform risky-behaviors and harm others. Smoking can cause many health hazards which can eventually kill you.”)

Language Use & Style

can cause harm to others.”) This student’s word choice is also appropriate for the assigned task. (“Many choices in our lives affect our health everyday. Choosing weather to smoke or not to smoke is a crucial decision.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The student obviously demonstrates adequate control of the conventions of standard written English. There are some errors in punctuation (“Its very important”), grammar, and spelling (“cigarets” and “exresize”), but these mistakes do not interfere with the author’s intended message.

Model Essay

We often fail to to realize that the choices we make about our health can be unhealthy ones. Well im going to tell you three good reasons of why I think you should not drink,smoke,and over eat.

The first thing Im going to talk to you about is drinking.First of all there are a lot of drinkers in my family and some of them have bin drinking since thay were my age which is 12 and I think that is really sad to know some of them are my uncles and one of them is my dad he has done things that really embarrass me , my sisters ,my brothers ,and my mom I think that since we are never embarresing him like he embarreses us I think that we dont deserve to get embarrast that way.

The second thing im going to talk to you about is smokers.About 50% of my family members smoke and that I know of none of them have died from it YET! But thay probebly dont even know what will happen if thay dont stop smoking they will die slowly of lungh cancer when I tell them to stop thay tell me to shut up that Im to yonge to understad or sometimes thay say im stupid but I dont listen to them but im shure that thay will pay attention to my grandma I will try to talk to her and tell her about my situation.

The third thing Im going to talk to you about is people over whait. some people in my family are over wait and that is really sad because when they go to the docter they tell them they have to go on a diet and it is really hard for the chidren and the perents because they get hungry but whet can they do to stop them from eat.

All and all thats all I have to talk to you about today becaus .

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author of this essay attempts to establish a controlling idea. (“Well im going to tell you three good

reasons of why I think you should not drink,smoke,and over eat.”) However, since the essay does not fully develop or maintain this thesis, the author shows little understanding of the purpose of the task. This response demonstrates only limited focus and meaning.

Content & Development

Although the author does attempt to include some details to support his/her position, the ideas are insufficiently developed. For example, in the second paragraph the author endeavors to discuss the dangers involved with drinking alcohol. However, the supporting arguments aren’t specific, and the author seems to lose track halfway through the paragraph. (“First of all there are a lot of drinkers in my family and some of them have bin drinking since thay were my age which is 12 and I think that is really sad to know some of them are my uncles and one of them is my dad he has done things that really embarrass me , my sisters ,my brothers ,and my mom I think that since we are never embarresing him like he embarreses us I think that we dont deserve to get embarrast that way.“) This example and others in this response require further clarification and elaboration.

Organization

In this response, the author constructs a limited organizational structure. Although the introduction is noticeable, it is short and insufficiently developed. Each body paragraph does begin with a focused topic sentence and transitional device. However, the author seems to lose his/her focus midway through each body paragraph. Additionally, the conclusion is too short and inadequate to be appropriate. (“All and all thats all I have to talk to you about today becaus .”)

Language Use & Style

The author’s language is mediocre, marked by confusing run-on sentences. (“some people in my family are over wait and that is really sad because when they go to the docter they tell them they have to go on a diet and it is really hard for the chidren and the perents because they get hungry but whet can they do to stop

them from eat.“) The student’s word choice is quite limited. (‘But thay probebly dont even know what will happen if thay dont stop smoking they will die slowly of lungh cancer when I tell them to stop thay tell me to shut up that Im to yonge to understad or sometimes thay say im stupid”) The essay does attempt to address an audience, although the language use is insufficient.

Mechanics & Conventions

It is obvious that the conventions and mechanics of standard written English are difficult for this student to grasp. There are many spelling (“embarresing” and “over whait”), punctuation (“im”), and grammar errors, which interfere with the intended message.

Model Essay

(“Today after I get out of school im going to start changing my habit im going to do my homework first thing then Im going to play video games but make sure to turn it off before 9 o clock.“)

Sleeping habits when it comes to sleeping I nearly sleep. So as a healthy thing im going to start sleeping more. It is video games, family over , and homework that makes me fall asleep late around 12 to 3 o clock. Since im growing right now my body need 8 to 10 hours of sleep to grow and be healthy.

Today after I get out of school im going to start changing my habit im going to do my homework first thing then Im going to play video games but make sure to turn it off before 9 o clock.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response suggests a controlling idea (“So as a healthy thing im going to start sleeping more.”), but it is unclear and underdeveloped. The author does not maintain or support the idea with meaningful details and, therefore, completes few parts of the task. This essay demonstrates only a minimal understanding of the purpose of the assignment.

Content & Development

This response develops ideas incompletely and inadequately. The attempt to explain the positive aspects of getting more sleep is weakened by the brevity of the response. One statement is used to explain why the

student goes to bed late (“It is video games, family over , and homework that makes me fall asleep late around 12 to 3 o clock.”), but it is not developed or elaborated. The author fails to develop ideas which

support the importance of sleeping and the hazards of insufficient sleep. The content and development of this response are quite minimal.

Organization

Little evidence of structure is detected in this response. The response is too short to demonstrate adequate structure. An attempt at paragraphing is indicated, but little structure is evident in the two brief paragraphs. The first paragraph merely suggests the author’s bad sleeping habits, while the second paragraph poorly addresses the steps the author will take to remedy the situation. This response lacks an introduction, body paragraphs, transitional devices, and a conclusion.

Language Use & Style

The essay is composed using poor word choice and sentence structure. (“It is video games, family over , and homework that makes me fall asleep late around 12 to 3 o clock. Since im growing right now my body need 8 to 10 hours of sleep to grow and be healthy.”) The errors in language use are distracting to the reader and, therefore, show little awareness of audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

Several significant errors are easily detected in this essay. Mistakes in spelling, punctuation, and grammar question the author’s ability to control the conventions of standard written English.

Model Essay

A HEALTHY CHANGE

If there was one thing in the world in the world I could get is my health. If I could change my health ,I wouldnt beacause I dont get sick that often

One thing that I would change is by stop eating hot chetos sodas

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

It is obvious the student read the writing prompt, yet fails to establish a thesis or create any relevant meaning or focus. (“If there was one thing in the world in the world I could get is my health.”) The author demonstrates no understanding of the purpose of the assignment and, therefore, completes no parts of the task.

Content & Development

The response fails to use any specific, relevant, or accurate examples or details because it has no thesis or controlling idea to support. The author makes a single statement about something he/she would change (“One thing that I would change is by stop eating hot chetos sodas”), but it is completely inadequate and inappropriate because it lacks any elaboration or development. This response does not inform the reader with sufficient information.

Organization

No reasonable structure can be detected in this response. The essay is only four lines in length and demonstrates no organizational techniques. It lacks an introduction, body paragraphs, a conclusion, and transitional devices. The brevity of the essay makes it difficult to discern any

Language Use & Style

The author’s language use is incoherent and inadequate. (“If there was one thing in the world in the world I could get is my health. If I could change my health ,I wouldnt beacause I dont get sick that often”) Major errors in sentence structure, word choice, and usage detract from the presentation of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author shows inadequate ability to control the standard conventions of written English. There are major errors in spelling (“beacause”), punctuation (“wouldnt”), and grammar (“If I could change my health ,I wouldnt beacause I dont get sick that often“) that significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Today’s world is radically different from the world into which your grandparents were born and lived their lives. Profound changes in the economy, social atmosphere, and technological realm have occurred over the last few decades. You may recall stories that your grandparents told you about the world in which they lived. Can you imagine the stories about your world that you will one day recount to your grandchildren?

Write a letter to your grandchildren that they will open in fifty years in which you describe what the world is like right now. Be sure to include specific details and examples to make it vivid for your readers.

Model Essay

Life for me, I would imagine, is very different than the life you are living. I was born into an age of rapid technological advancement and drastic social change. I am only eighteen at this point, and I have already seen and heard things, that at eighteen, my own grandparents were completely oblivious to. Overall, my life thus far has been a tremendous journey; I'm sure there are many more miraculous things to come.

As a kid, life seemed pretty simple. My mom taught at Smith Middle School, my dad worked at a hardware store and farmed the same eighty acres my family has been farming since my great-grandfather bought it in 1909. Every morning, my dad got me ready to go to the babysitter’s, or—after I started preschool—to go to school. My mom would then drop me off at Peggy's, where I watched Power Rangers and played with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figures. On the days I had school, and everyday after I reached first grade, my mom would walk me to class since she worked at the school. After school, my brother (who is six years older than me) picked me up from my classroom and walked me to mom's classroom. I knew nothing of politics, I wasn't allowed to watch any movie rated higher than PG, and I listened to "oldies" music (circa 1950/60/70s).

By the time I reached fifth grade, I was still basically in a state of blissful ignorance. I knew that George W. Bush was in Presidential office, my musical interests had expanded, and my parents were starting to be more lenient about my movie and television watching habits. In the sixth grade, our whole country was flipped upside down. On September 11, 2001 several terrorists crashed four planes into our world trade towers, the Pentagon, and a field in Pennsylvania. Suddenly, the country underwent a widespread wave of patriotism. People flew flags and put bumper stickers on their cars. Thousands were dead or missing, and the world was in shock. President Bush launched a campaign to find the root of the terrorist organization responsible and bring such atrocities to an end.

Since that day, our country has never been the same. Hundreds of thousands of troops have been shipped out and stationed across Afghanistan and Iraq. In Afghanistan, American soldiers survey communities, watching for terrorist activity. In Iraq, soldiers take part in similar operatives. The dictator Saddam Hussein was believed to be partially responsible for terrorist activities, as well as harboring nuclear weapons and torturing and killing innocent civilians. Armed forces finally captured Saddam after months of searching, on December 13, 2003. He was tried and eventually executed for crimes against humanity, and specifically his own people.

There is a war going on halfway around the world, but day-to-day life isn't anything exceptional. I have an after-school job at the local ice cream place. I go to school seven hours a day, five days a week. On Saturdays, I either do one of my extracurricular teams (Bible Bowl, Quiz Bowl, Drama Club, Cross Country) or help my mom with house and yard work. On Sundays, my family goes to church and Sunday school. In the afternoon, we usually nap or do light housework. My favorite part of the weekend is going to Sunday school. We play games and have a short devotion. Pastor Joe reads scripture, we pray together, and become rejuvenated for the week.

On a much less global scale, life has been a little topsy-turvy. In the past two months, my best friend has had a cancer scare; my cousin Jeff has been paralyzed from the chest down in a bad car accident, and my cousin Sydnee has had a growth removed from her ovary that was found to be her twin. Because of the medical advances made recently, doctors were able to do tests and procedures to keep the three of them safe and healthy. Granted, Syd is laid up for awhile, Jeff probably won't walk again for some time, and Hannah is on a lot of antibiotics; had any of these things occurred just fifteen or twenty years ago, the circumstances could have been vastly direr.

Overall, the past eighteen years have been great. I have much to learn, and I hope to travel much more in life. My advice to you in the future would be regardless of what changes may have occurred since my time in High School, enjoy your own life, and don't take it for granted. I don't know you yet, but I'm sure I will love you.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience.

Furthermore, the writer completes and goes beyond the limits of the task. Specifically, the writer grabs

readers’ attention by very effectively using an engaging statement at the beginning of his/her introduction. (“Life for me, I would imagine, is very different than the life you are living. I was born into an age of rapid technological advancement and drastic social change. I am only eighteen at this point, and I have already seen and heard things, that at eighteen, my own grandparents were completely oblivious to.”) The

language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“Overall, my life thus far has been a tremendous journey; I'm sure there are many more miraculous things to come.”) All of the details used in the essay

relate to the central/controlling idea in an effective manner. (“There is a war going on halfway around the world, but day-to-day life isn't anything exceptional. I have an after-school job at the local ice cream

place….On a much less global scale, life has been a little topsy-turvy.”)

Content & Development

events (relating to the prompt task) is developed very effectively. (“Since that day, our country has never been the same. Hundreds of thousands of troops have been shipped out and stationed across Afghanistan and Iraq. In Afghanistan, American soldiers survey communities, watching for terrorist activity. In Iraq, soldiers take part in similar operatives.”) The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain the main ideas. (“On a much less global scale, life has been a little topsy-turvy. In the past two months, my best friend has had a cancer scare; my cousin Jeff has been paralyzed from the chest down in a bad car accident, and my cousin Sydnee has had a growth removed from her ovary that was found to be her twin. Because of the medical advances made recently, doctors were able to do tests and procedures to keep the three of the safe and healthy.”) Supporting details develop examples well. (“As a kid, life seemed pretty simple. My mom taught at Smith Middle School, my dad worked at a hardware store and farmed the same eighty acres my family has been farming since my great-grandfather bought it in 1909. Every morning, my dad got me ready to go to the babysitter’s, or—after I started preschool—to go to school.”)

Organization

This essay exhibits very effective organization. The writer demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion; also, effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices is seen throughout. The essay demonstrates a very effective introduction. (“Life for me, I would imagine, is very different than the life you are living. I was born into an age of rapid technological advancement and drastic social change. I am only eighteen at this point, and I have already seen and heard things, that at eighteen, my own grandparents were completely oblivious to.”) Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“By the time I reached fifth grade, I was still

basically in a state of blissful ignorance…. Since that day, our country has never been the same.”) The conclusion very effectively teaches readers a lesson. (“Overall, the past eighteen years have been great. I have much to learn, and I hope to travel much more in life. My advice to you in the future would be regardless of what changes may have occurred since my time in High School, enjoy your own life, and don't take it for granted.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates very effective language use and style. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. In addition, the writer uses well-structured and varied sentences. Specifically, the language and tone are consistent in the essay. (“In Afghanistan, American soldiers survey communities, watching for terrorist activity. In Iraq, soldiers take part in similar operatives.…Because of the medical advances made recently, doctors were able to do tests and procedures to keep the three of them safe and healthy.”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling

point/thesis statement of the essay. (“There is a war going on halfway around the world, but day-to-day life isn't anything exceptional. I have an after-school job at the local ice cream place. I go to school seven hours a day, five days a week. On Saturdays, I either do one of my extracurricular teams…or help my mom with house and yard work.”) Compound, complex, and compound-complex sentences are used effectively. (“In the past two months, my best friend has had a cancer scare; my cousin Jeff has been paralyzed from the chest down in a bad car accident, and my cousin Sydnee has had a growth removed from her ovary that was found to be her twin.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“Since that day, our country has never been the same. Hundreds of thousands of troops have been shipped out and stationed across Afghanistan and Iraq. In Afghanistan, American soldiers survey communities, watching for terrorist activity. In Iraq, soldiers take part in similar operatives. The dictator Saddam Hussein was believed to be partially responsible for terrorist activities, as well as harboring nuclear weapons and torturing and killing innocent civilians. Armed forces finally

captured Saddam after months of searching, on December 13, 2003.”)

Model Essay

Dear Granddaughter,

In this world there has been many dramatic changes concerning almost everything. The world that I know is radically different than the world you will learn to love. The people have changed so much and are trying to get you to act exactly like the world. Just remember to take the roads less traveled by and be yourself. This world is a hard and judgmental place and some people leave no room for mistakes, so just act strong and keep your head up; eventually, you will find your place in this world. You will need to help others, and don't ever think that you are better than someone else because we are all the same no matter what. There have been some very profound changes in the economy, social atmosphere, and technological realm.

The economy is crashing right now and is making this world a hard place to live in. People are losing their jobs because all the business can't afford to have a vast number of employees like they could a year ago.

There is a shortage in rice and wheat because of the cost of gas. They can't ship as much over here to the United States and so we are having shortages. The stock markets are crashing like waves on the shore at

the beach, always coming up, but then crashing again when they hit the shore. To live in these hard times you have to go to school. You need to get an amazing education so you can end up with a job because in the times that we are living in people only want people who are the best.

There have been some major changes in the social atmosphere. People don't talk the same as they did in my grandparent's time and you won't talk the same as me. There are a lot of vulgar words are being said in my time. It gets pretty hard to make sure you don't start saying them but you just have to keep your mind clean and surround yourself with the right kind of friends. Your friends will be very important to you so just make sure they are the nice ones. I am sure you will love your friends as much as I love mine and they will mean the world to you. One day you will find the most amazing friend and when you do hold on to her and never let her go. You will also find another very special friend and you will love him with all your heart and soul. When you find him you better put on a white dress and marry him. Don't be mean to anyone either because they have feelings just like you, so remember how you feel when someone is mean to you.

The technological realm has had some very influential discoveries in the past few years. There are so many interesting things that I use in my everyday life that are so dramatically different than what my grandparents used. Everyone in this world owns a cell phone. It's so nice because then you can communicate with someone no matter where you are. We also have something called an iPod. An iPod is a hand held music player, but now we have music players on our cell phones so you don't really need an iPod. Most of all the electronics are going touch screen. We have touch screen iPods, cell phones, and even computers. We don't really use VHS's anymore, everyone just uses DVD's. Now they have came out with a thing called blue ray, so soon no one will be using DVD's either.

In conclusion to this letter, I just want you to know that this world is going to hit you hard one day, and when it does, you need to stand strong and keep your head held high. Times are changing very fast and the world is only going to be getting worse and worse. You always need to remember who you are.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates good focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains a clear, controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience. The writer completes all parts of the task. In particular, the essay grabs readers’ attention by using an engaging statement at the beginning of the introduction. (“In this world there has been many dramatic changes concerning almost everything.

The world that I know is radically different than the world you will learn to love.”) The essay is focused on the controlling idea. (“There have been some very profound changes in the economy, social atmosphere,

and technological realm.”) All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. (“The economy is crashing right now and is making this world a hard place to live in. People are losing their jobs because all the business can't afford to have a vast number of employees like they could a year ago.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates good content and development. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient and appropriate details. Specifically, there are a variety of details that explain main ideas. (“The economy is crashing right now and is making this world a hard place to live in….The stock markets are crashing like waves on the shore at the beach, always coming up, but then crashing again when they hit the shore.”) The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“The technological realm has had some very influential discoveries in the past few years. There are so many interesting things that I use in my everyday life that are so dramatically different than what my

grandparents used. Everyone in this world owns a cell phone.”) Supporting details develop the examples well. (“It's so nice because then you can communicate with someone no matter where you are.”)

Organization

This essay exhibits good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing devices throughout. In particular, the essay demonstrates an effective introduction. (“In this world there has been many dramatic changes concerning almost everything. The world that I know is radically different than the world you will learn to love. The people have changed so much and are trying to get you to act exactly like the world. Just remember to take the roads less traveled by and be yourself.”) The introduction ends with a good thesis statement. (“There have been some very profound changes in the economy, social atmosphere, and technological realm.”) The conclusion effectively teaches readers a lesson. (“In conclusion to this letter, I just want you to know that this world is going to hit you hard one day, and when it does, you need to stand strong and keep your head held high. Times are changing very fast and the world is only going to be getting worse and worse. You

always need to remember who you are.”)

Language Use & Style

always need to remember who you are.”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how main and supporting points are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay.

(“There is a shortage in rice and wheat because of the cost of gas. They can't ship as much over here to the United States and so we are having shortages.”) Compound and complex sentences are used effectively.

(“Just remember to take the roads less traveled by and be yourself. This world is a hard and judgmental place and some people leave no room for mistakes, so just act strong and keep your head up; eventually, you will find your place in this world.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay exhibits good control of conventions and mechanics. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, which do not interfere with the message. For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, begin with a capital letter, and

paragraphs are distinguished by a line break. (“The technological realm has had some very influential discoveries in the past few years. There are so many interesting things that I use in my everyday life that are so dramatically different than what my grandparents used. Everyone in this world owns a cell phone. It's so nice because then you can communicate with someone no matter where you are.”)

Model Essay

Dear Grandchildren,

Hello, this is your Grandmother Jennifer. How are you? Are you eating healthy? Well, I'm writing you because I want to tell you about my world and how it was when I was young.

Basically, the world around me is a mystery, but I do know that in most parts of my time, it is beautiful. I'm sure it is beautiful in your time too. The one thing I loved most about my time was all the green and wildlife I had around me. There isn't as much as what there can be, but I still love it with a passion. I love the animals I see. Growing up I never really saw animals so I'm always excited to see any type of animal. What kind of animals are there around your time? Any new greens discovered?

One thing about my time that I thought was very interesting was money. Money is everything. Money is one of the main things an average person needs to survive. Clothing these days cost an awful lot, that is, if you want the good and in style clothing. About 50 dollars for a jacket! No way am I buying that! Also, another thing that was a lot of money was gas for cars. It was almost 4 dollars! But then it started to go down and now it is around 1 dollar. Boy was I glad to here because I'm going to start driving soon, and I don't want to be paying 4 dollars a gallon to drive to work or school or any other places! How much does everything cost now, in your time?

Another thing I disliked was the people. Not just any people, I mean the bad people. All around the world you have people committing crimes or even just bullying. I feel it is wrong of them to be doing sorts of action because it is those smalls and large acts that cause our world to be so rotten. I also worry about war. I do hope it decreases soon. I have no idea why people are like that. How is it now?

Oh I almost forgot! How's school? I am just wondering if school has changed much since my time. School now is okay. I don't know much about it but I do know that some people think the United States education is very poorly organized. I feel I am learning fine though. Do you know what you're going to be when you grow up? I don't! What kind of jobs do they have now, in your time?

I wonder if things will change or not. Not much has changed since I have been born. Well, a lot of things have changed, but I'm talking about flying aircrafts and the buildings. Has much changed?

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes a controlling idea and demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience while completing many parts of the task. Specifically, the thesis statement presents the supporting ideas and point of view of the essay adequately. (“Well, I'm writing you because I want to tell you about my world and how it was when I was young.”) The writer understands the intended audience adequately. (“Oh I almost forgot! How's school? I am just wondering if school has changed much since my time. School now is okay.”) The writing style is

adequately appropriate for the audience, as there is little use of slang or contractions. (“I also worry about war. I do hope it decreases soon. I have no idea why people are like that. How is it now?”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates adequate content and development. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details to support ideas. Specifically, the main ideas of the body paragraphs support the writer’s thesis. (“Basically, the world around me is a mystery, but I do know that in most parts of my time, it is

beautiful. I'm sure it is beautiful in your time too.”) The writer uses adequate details to illustrate main ideas. (“One thing about my time that I thought was very interesting was money. Money is everything.

Money is one of the main things an average person needs to survive. Clothing these days cost an awful lot, that is, if you want the good and in style clothing.”) The essay includes facts and statistics, examples, brief narratives, and explanations about each of the writer’s main ideas. (“Also, another thing that was a lot of money was gas for cars. It was almost 4 dollars! But then it started to go down and now it is around 1 dollar. Boy was I glad to here because I'm going to start driving soon, and I don't want to be paying 4

dollars a gallon to drive to work or school or any other places!”)

Organization

This essay exhibits adequate organization. The essay demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction, conclusion, and use of paragraphing and transitional devices. In particular, the essay begins with a good introduction. (“Hello, this is your Grandmother Jennifer. How are you? Are you eating healthy? Well, I'm writing you because I want to tell you about my world and how it was when I was young.”) Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. (“One thing about my time that I thought was very interesting was money….Another thing I disliked was the people.”) The essay

demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“I wonder if things will change or not. Not much has changed since I have been born. Well, a lot of things have changed, but I'm talking about flying aircrafts and the

buildings. Has much changed?”)

Language Use & Style

(“One thing about my time that I thought was very interesting was money. Money is everything. Money is one of the main things an average person needs to survive.”) Words used in the essay relate to the prompt task. (“I wonder if things will change or not. Not much has changed since I have been born. Well, a lot of things have changed, but I'm talking about flying aircrafts and the buildings. Has much changed?”) Word choices, however, are sometimes poor. (“Not just any people, I mean the bad people.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates adequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), many sentences end with a punctuation mark, many paragraphs are distinguished by a line break, and many sentences begin with a capital letter. (“Basically, the world around me is a mystery, but I do know that in most parts of my time, it is beautiful. I'm sure it is beautiful in your time too. The one thing I loved most about my time was all the green and wildlife I had around me.”)

Model Essay

Well, my life today is very different from what your world would be like when you are a kid till you are an adult. Today in my life things have changed dramatically in the pass years. For an example prices in gas have went up since my grandparents were alive. They told me that gas was only about seventy five cents. Today gas is about three dollars and fifty cents. Hopefully the prices in gas will drop when i start driving. Even the prices in food have went up also, like milk. Milk today cost almost three dollars.

During the past few years we have been in a very serious war. We are in iraq and also in iran. But hopefully we will change all of this stuff now. Education is very important today and will always be important because without it then you will never be anything or anybody important. But there has been a few budgets in the school districts since i have been in school. But the school districts dont have enough money for school programs. Alot of things have changed in times and have gotten more expenssive over the years in my life.

Now you have heard of some of the several problems thats in my life today.Things are more expensive than it was when my grandparents were alive. Hopefully when you guys are adults you will realize how different things will be in your time. The war should definitly be over by the time you are in this ugly world. Then also global worming will proabloy go into affect even more. This is what had happened in my life and what will probably happen in your life

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates limited focus and meaning. The writer establishes a controlling idea, but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience, thus only completing some parts of the task. Specifically, the writer presents a limited central idea. (“Well, my life today is very different from what

your world would be like when you are a kid till you are an adult. Today in my life things have changed dramatically in the pass years.”) In the introduction, only a limited supporting idea of the essay is stated. (“For an example prices in gas have went up since my grandparents were alive. They told me that gas was only about seventy five cents. Today gas is about three dollars and fifty cents.”) The writing style is not

always appropriate for the audience. (“We are in iraq and also in iran. But hopefully we will change all of this stuff now.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates limited content and development. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support ideas. In particular, the essay has limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Now you have heard of some of the several problems thats in my life today.Things are more expensive than it was when my grandparents were alive. Hopefully when you guys are adults you will realize how different things will be in your time.”) The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the writer’s thesis. (“But there has been a few budgets in the school districts since i have been in school. But the school districts dont have enough money for school programs.

Alot of things have changed in times and have gotten more expenssive over the years in my life.”) The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“Hopefully when you guys are adults you will realize how different things will be in your time. The war should definitly be over by the time you are in this ugly world. Then also global worming will proabloy go into affect even more.”)

Organization

This essay exhibits limited organization. The essay demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. The essay lacks consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. The introduction attempts to include a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“Well, my life today is very different from what your world would be like when you are a kid till you are an adult. Today in my

life things have changed dramatically in the pass years.”) There is some evidence of transitional devices to help connect ideas. (“During the past few years we have been in a very serious war….Now you have heard of some of the several problems thats in my life today.”) The conclusion attempts to teach readers a lesson. (“Then also global worming will proabloy go into affect even more. This is what had happened in my life

and what will probably happen in your life.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates limited language use and style. The writer demonstrates simple language and word choice with some awareness of audience and control of voice; however, the writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety. In particular, exact words are missing. (“Now you have heard of some of the several problems thats in my life today.Things are more expensive than it was when my grandparents were alive. Hopefully when you guys are adults you will realize how different things will be

in your time. The war should definitly be over by the time you are in this ugly world.”) More effective transitions are needed. (“During the past few years we have been in a very serious war…. Now you have heard of some of the several problems thats in my life today.”) The style is not formal. (“Well, my life today is very different from what your world would be like when you are a kid till you are an

adult….Hopefully the prices in gas will drop when i start driving. Even the prices in food have went up also, like milk.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates limited control of conventions and mechanics. The essay contains several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the

communication of the writer’s message. The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter. (“Now you have heard of some of the

several problems thats in my life today.Things are more expensive than it was when my grandparents were alive. Hopefully when you guys are adults you will realize how different things will be in your time. The

war should definitly be over by the time you are in this ugly world. Then also global worming will proabloy go into affect even more. This is what had happened in my life and what will probably happen in your life[.]”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

Dear grandchild,

Today is december 7th and its a sunday afternoon and im going to tell you how the world is and how it is doing too. i just moved to fairview texas form living in Indiana all of my life and its great although i still miss it alot but texas has lots of great new oppertunities for me and i love it. We just had a resent election between Mcain and Obama and i got to witness a part of history. Our first black presedant Barack Obama. Its great and i support him although I still do not beleive all of his beilives.

Its pretty cool that i was a part of history and how the world is changing as im riting the letter to you. The economy is falling but i believe that it will rise back up in the future and everything is going to be ok. Oh and in the earlier years we had oil/gas problems like the gas was up to $4 per/gallon and jsut recently it dropped to only $1.40 and it great. There is a war right now though. Im not really a fan of the war and i really do not understand why we keep on sending our troops to Iraq but we are and its driving me crazy. Well there really isnt much more to say about the world. That is it. I hope you have a great life my dear grandchild

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates minimal focus and meaning. The writer suggests a controlling idea, but demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience, thus only completing few parts of the task. Specifically, the essay does not state a clear thesis or controlling idea. (“Today is december 7th and its a sunday afternoon and im going to tell you how the world is and how it is doing too.”) The writer does not demonstrate an understanding of audience because the essay does not include relevant details to make ideas clear. (“i just moved to fairview texas form living in Indiana all of my life and its great although i still miss it alot but texas has lots of great new oppertunities for me and i love it.”) The writing style is not appropriate for the audience. (“Its pretty cool that i was a part of history and how the world is changing as im riting the letter to you. The economy is falling but i believe that it will rise back up in the future and

everything is going to be ok.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates minimal content and development. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support his/her ideas. Each main idea should be written as topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“We just had a resent election between Mcain and Obama and i got to witness a part of history. Our first black presedant Barack Obama. Its great and i support him although I still do not beleive all of his beilives.”) Details are minimally used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“There is a war right now though. Im not really a fan of the war and i really do not understand why we keep on sending our troops to Iraq but we are and its driving me crazy.”) Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“The economy is falling but i believe that it will rise back up in the future and everything is going to be ok. Oh and in the earlier years we had oil/gas problems like the gas was up to $4 per/gallon and jsut recently it dropped to only $1.40 and it great.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates minimal organization. There is little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion; also, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices within the essay. The essay demonstrates little evidence of a good introduction. (“Today is december 7th and its a Sunday afternoon and im going to tell you how the world is and how it is doing too. i just moved to fairview texas form living in Indiana all of my life and its great although i still miss it alot but texas has lots of great new oppertunities for me and i love it.”) The introduction does little to include a clear sentence to explain what the essay is about. (“Today is december 7th and its a sunday afternoon and im going to tell you how the world is and how it is doing too.”) Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are needed. (“Today is december 7th and its a sunday afternoon and im going to tell you how the world is and how it is doing too….Its pretty cool that i was a part of history and how the world is changing as im riting

the letter to you.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay exhibits minimal language use and style. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience. There are also basic errors in sentence structure and usage. Specifically, there are run-on portions in the essay. (“Im not really a fan of the war and i really do not understand why we keep on sending our troops to Iraq but we are and its driving me crazy.”) Transitions are needed. (“Today is december 7th and its a sunday afternoon and im going to tell you how the world is and how it is doing too….Its pretty cool that i was a part of history and how the world is changing as im

riting the letter to you.”) The style is not formal. (“Oh and in the earlier years we had oil/gas problems like the gas was up to $4 per/gallon and jsut recently it dropped to only $1.40 and it great. There is a war right now though. Im not really a fan of the war and i really do not understand why we keep on sending our

troops to Iraq but we are and its driving me crazy.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is minimal control of conventions and mechanics in this essay. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. The writer does not consistently compose sentences with a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, begin each sentence with a capital letter, or follow

capitalization conventions. (“Its pretty cool that i was a part of history and how the world is changing as im riting the letter to you. The economy is falling but i believe that it will rise back up in the future and everything is going to be ok. Oh and in the earlier years we had oil/gas problems like the gas was up to $4 per/gallon and jsut recently it dropped to only $1.40 and it great. There is a war right now though.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

dear ecko,

the world that you know was not always how you remember. back in my day there was no hoverboards there were no flying cars. im living in some rough times compared to you. in my life you can not insently make food in my time you have to cook what you eat. Sound crazy right? back when i was growing up i remember when

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning. The writer fails to establish a central, controlling idea and demonstrates no understanding of purpose and audience; furthermore, the writer completes few or no parts of the task. Specifically, the essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details. Supporting ideas for the essay or a main point of view are not clearly stated. (“the world that you know was not always how you remember. back in my day there was no hoverboards there were no flying cars. im living in some rough times compared to you. in my life you can not insently make food in my time you have to cook what you eat. Sound crazy right? back when i was growing up i remember when[.]”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates inadequate or no content and development. The writer fails to develop ideas, using no details to support main ideas. Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay, at least three main ideas are not included as evidence, and there are no main ideas in the body paragraphs. (“the world that you know was not always how you remember. back in my day there was no hoverboards there were no flying cars. im living in some rough times compared to you. in my life you can not insently make food in my time you have to cook what you eat. Sound crazy right? back when i was growing up i remember when[.]”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates inadequate organization. The essay does not exhibit evidence of a unified structure with an introduction or conclusion, and there is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices. In particular, the essay demonstrates no evidence of a good introduction, transitional devices are not used to help connect ideas, and the essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“the world that you know was not always how you remember. back in my day there was no hoverboards there were no flying cars. im living in some rough times compared to you. in my life you can not insently make food in my time you have to cook what you eat. Sound crazy right? back when i was growing up i remember when[.]”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates inadequate language use and style. The essay exhibits unclear or incoherent language use and word choice with no awareness of audience. There are also major errors in sentence structure and usage. There are run-on portions in the essay, lengths of the sentences are short, and the style is not formal. (“the world that you know was not always how you remember. back in my day there was no hoverboards there were no flying cars. im living in some rough times compared to you. in my life you can not insently make food in my time you have to cook what you eat. Sound crazy right? back when i was growing up i remember when[.]”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates inadequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are errors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. In particular, the writer needs to make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, and follow capitalization conventions. (“the world that you know was not always how you remember. back in my day there was no hoverboards there were no flying cars. im living in some rough times compared to you. in my life you can not insently make food in my time you have to cook what you eat. Sound crazy right? back when i was growing up i remember when[.]”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

By the time students enter high school, they have learned about many moments in history that have influenced our world today. Think about a moment in history you studied and consider its importance. Write a composition in which you discuss a moment in history. Share its importance in today's world. Be sure to support the moment with details and examples.

Model Essay

Nearly every characteristic of our society was shaped by some event in history. Whether it was a scientist exploring the possibilities of electricity, or an activist rallying for human rights, credit for everything we enjoy is owed to a moment in history. Though we daily take them for granted, our own rights as American citizens are the result of heroic acts, courageous battles, and wars fought on foreign soil as well as our own. Though every student will learn about many significant events in history, they will not relate to them all.

However, over the past two years, the entire world has experienced some radical international changes, and has seen history in the making.

On September 11th, 2001, terrorists from the Middle East destroyed the World Trade Center in New York City, killing thousands of people. Though this is a tragic scar in America’ history, the reaction it triggered was not only one of anger, but of compassion. Positive consequences of the aftermath include the exposure of an oppressed people, the offering of opportunity & liberation to those people, and the efforts that America, the victim, made to reshape a broken Middle-Eastern country.

After the September 11th attacks, America set out to meet their enemies face to face. Pairing former knowledge with reliable tip-offs from trusted sources, our wounded country was able to pick out its attackers. In seeking them out, America worked its way into foreign countries, including Iraq, where it exposed that citizens were living under oppressive governments. Doing this not only pointed out the dictatorship of some governments, but it also implied a charge to the rest of the world to respond.

Since the exposure of one country’s oppression, other nations have answered their call to action. Though not everybody has chosen to join in, Iraq is now being offered liberation, and given opportunities for its citizens to live full, free, equal lives. While the decision to liberate Iraq was scorned and doubted by many, new signs of improvement are showing each day in the Middle East. With hopes of restoring tranquility to the Iraqi citizens, and goals of setting up a government run by the people, America and its allies persist in their efforts to free this formerly oppressed people.

Reshaping a county which has been in political ruins for so many years is not an easy task, and one that could take generations to complete. However, international efforts continue to equalize men and women, lay better educational foundations and to restore stability to a traditionally tumultuous society.

Although the terrorist attacks of September 11th will always be remembered in grief, and recounted in tales of heroism, it is clear that the future will see rebirth in the positive, international effects of America’s response. Even as the country still grieves, she helps others move on in hopes that one day, peace can be secured, and a formerly oppressed people can enjoy a better quality of life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response clearly goes beyond the limits of the task. From beginning to end, the author holds the

readers’ attention and guides them through this moment in history and its impact on America and even the future of the free world. The essay grabs the readers’ attention by very effectively using an interesting statement, a question, and an engaging statement at the beginning of the introduction. All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively and there is no irrelevant information. The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“Though every student will learn about many significant events in history, they will not relate to them all. However, over the past two years, the entire world has experienced some radical international changes, and has seen history in the

making.”)

Content & Development

In this essay, the author develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details to support the central idea. The initial 911 attack, its relation to the subsequent invasion of Iraq, and the controversy and hope that ensued are presented in a thorough and mature manner. Supporting details develop the example well. The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain the paragraph’s main idea. The details that are included in each paragraph very effectively develop the main idea of the topic sentence. (“While the decision to liberate Iraq was scorned and doubted by many, new signs of improvement are showing each day in the Middle East. With hopes of restoring tranquility to the

Iraqi citizens, and goals of setting up a government run by the people, America and its allies persist in their efforts to free this formerly oppressed people.”)

Organization

This essay provides readers with a cohesive and unified structure. The introduction is engaging, encouraging readers to dive into the rest of the essay, and the conclusion is thought provoking. (“Even as the country still grieves, she helps others move on in hopes that one day, peace can be secured, and a formerly oppressed people can enjoy a better quality of life.”) Transitions are used very effectively.

Paragraph breaks in the body help to organize specific ideas. Those ideas are then successfully detailed within the paragraph. The conclusion is also very effective. It successfully sums up many of the same sentiments of national unity, which are detailed throughout the rest of the essay. (“Although the terrorist attacks of September 11th will always be remembered in grief, and recounted in tales of heroism, it is clear that the future will see rebirth in the positive, international effects of America’s response.”)

Language Use & Style

The language used in this essay stands out as precise, artful, and engaging. The author’s voice is defined and sophisticated. (“Though we daily take them for granted, our own rights as American citizens are the result of heroic acts, courageous battles, and wars fought on foreign soil as well as our own.”) The language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling

point/thesis statement of the essay. The author uses lengthy, detailed sentences and sophisticated language. The style is consistently formal. (“Since the exposure of one country’s oppression, other nations have answered their call to action. Though not everybody has chosen to join in, Iraq is now being offered

liberation, and given opportunities for its citizens to live full, free, equal lives.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Although minor errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling can be detected, this essay is mostly free of distracting errors. Essays at this level should rarely have more than one or two errors in a

lengthy essay. (“In seeking them out, America worked its way into foreign countries, including Iraq, where it exposed that citizens were living under oppressive governments. Doing this not only pointed out the

dictatorship of some governments, but it also implied a charge to the rest of the world to respond.”)

Model Essay

September 11, 2000 remains as one of the most devastating and memorable dates in history. Just the thought of that day takes one back to a world that was so much more innocent and naive then the world we live in today. 9/11 showed the world that America is strong, brave, and unbreakable. It was shocked but it knew just how to go back and kick butt. September 11th, 2000 thus gave us a path to a more grateful world. Despite our great sadness, we were able to act with great purpose and meaning once more.

Underneath it all, America was hurt and devastated by the tragedies that occurred the day of September 11, 2000. The date was extremely important for Americans and people all across the world for America grew strong and showed people that it too could prepare for war in an instant, while uniting people, of course.

When terrorist hit the Twin Towers in New York, people panicked for a few seconds, however in minutes regular New Yorkers and fireman began helping people get out of the towers and back to safety. Others began uniting people and rushing them to the hospital or Red Cross. America had been shook but had not yet fallen.

After the worst had passed Americans showed their appreciation for the great country they were living in, USA. Soon enough strangers were being brought together in the sense that united we are like Tupperware, unbreakable. People raided the streets with American flags and banners. Thus, bringing forth heroes that many wouldn't have known existed. They were the everyday people you met in the supermarket that were caught in a bad situation and knew that they had to save others. Other began helping those people, because without them many would not have survived the disaster. Heroes are still coming out each and everyday, because since September 11th 2000 we have been bombarding Afghanistan trying to find the cause of many deaths, Bin laden.

Many can still remember exactly what they were doing when America sent their first bomb to Afghanistan the war was bound to come and many will say it is the best thing that came out of the terrorist attacks. Once people realized that the war was on they began uniting once again and paying their respects and condolences to our fellow US army soldiers. It had been more than 40 years than our last war, so we needed a wake-up call. We need to fight for our country the way many before us have.

Wars are certainly not a bundle of happiness. They can be destructive and can sometimes hurt the ideals you are fighting for. That said, some of their outcomes can be positive. The nation can gain great pride in restoring freedom to a people on the other side of the globe, and that is one of God’s greatest gifts.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience. The event (“September 11, 2000 remains as one of the most devastating and memorable dates in history.”) and its impact (“Just the thought of that day takes one back to a world that was so much innocent and naive then the world we live in today, thanks to the terrorist attacks that

occurred that day.”) are both clearly presented. The author completes most parts of the task quite well. Essays at this level will rarely provide irrelevant information.

Content & Development

The author develops ideas clearly, using sufficient appropriate details to support the central idea. For example, the third paragraph discusses the event using clear and thoughtful images. (“People raided the streets with American flags and banners. Thus, bringing forth heroes that many wouldn't have known

existed. They were the everyday people you met in the supermarket that were caught in a bad situation and knew that they had to save others. Other began helping those people, because without them many would not have survived the disaster.”) Good content and development are seen throughout the body of this response. Although essays are not graded for accuracy, essays at this level should make sure to check dates and facts to ensure accuracy. (“Heroes are still coming out each and everyday, because since September 11th 2000 we have been bombarding Afghanistan trying to find the cause of many deaths, Bin laden.”)

Organization

This essay shows a solid organizational structure. The introduction properly describes the event and its effect. Each body paragraph focuses on a key idea and begins with a focused topic sentence and

transitional device. (“After the worst had passed Americans showed their appreciation for the great country they were living in, USA.”) The conclusion attempts to grasp a silver lining in this horribly tragic event. (“Of course wars aren't great but some of their outcomes can be the same way the terrorist attacks brought unity, pride, and gratefulness to a maimed country.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates appropriate language use and style. Sentences are varied and words are well chosen. (“Underneath it all, America was hurt and devastated by the tragedies that occurred the day of

September 11, 2000. The date was extremely important for Americans and people all across the world for America grew strong and showed people that it too could prepare for war in an instant, while uniting

people, of course.”) Voice can also be detected in the essay. (“Soon enough strangers were being brought together in the sense that united we are like Tupperware, unbreakable.”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

This author demonstrates good control of the conventions and mechanics of writing, although a few errors in grammar (“When terrorist hit”), punctuation, and spelling can be detected. However, these mistakes do not interfere with or detract from the author’s message. Most sentences have a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and most sentences begin with a capital letter. (“Wars are certainly not a bundle of happiness. They can be destructive and can sometimes hurt the ideals you are fighting for. That said, some of their outcomes can be positive.”)

Model Essay

A moment in history that is important in today's world is the attack of the twin towers. It caused injury and death to thousands. The importance of this attack is caused destruction to American, proved peoples' patriotism, and caused war.

On September 11, 2001 four United State's airplane were highjacked by terrorist. The first airplane crashed into one of the twin towers. The second airplane crashed into the Pentagon. The third one crashed into the second tower. Finally, people understood what was going on. The people on the fourth airplane stopped the highjacker. They crashed into a field in Pennsylvania. Some people say the terrorists destination was the White House. This attack caused millions to respond.

The destruction of our land proved many peoples' patriotism. Thousands of Americans went to New York to help all who was injured. Fire fighters, police officers, paramedics, and residents pulled through the rubble to save anyone injured or buried. Fire fighters from across America went to New York to support others in need. Nearly 3,000 people died in the World Trade Center alone. It took about a year to clear what

was left of the twin towers. People worked day and night. Local restaurants, cafes and other stores helped to supply the workers. How these people responded after this horrible disaster proves their loyalty to America.

While people worked day and night to clean up others worked the serve their country. Many men and women went to war and fought terrorists. President Bush declared war against terrorists. America moved in and dominated most of Iraq. Thousands of armed forces including young men and women went to war for America. These people ended terrorism towards America.

As you can see the importance of the attack; it caused destruction to America, proved peoples patriotism, and caused war. The people who hurt the most is the families of the victims. They have to suffer the loss.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Overall, the author adequately communicates a message to readers. A controlling idea (“The importance of this attack is caused destruction to American, proved peoples' patriotism, and caused war.”) is established. The thesis is maintained throughout the response. Most parts of the task are completed. The intended audience is addressed adequately. Essays at this level may or may not offer one or two pieces of irrelevant information, but the essay still addresses the main topic adequately. (“While people worked day and night to clean up others worked the serve their country. Many men and women went to war and fought terrorists. President Bush declared war against terrorists. America moved in and dominated most of Iraq.”)

Content & Development

The author’s central thesis is adequately developed with sufficient supporting details. For example, in the second paragraph, the student describes the September 11th attacks. (“On September 11, 2001 four United State's airplane were highjacked by terrorist. The first airplane crashed into one of the twin towers. The

second airplane crashed into the Pentagon. The third one crashed into the second tower.”) The subsequent paragraphs examine the patriotism that resulted from the horrid event. (“Thousands of Americans went to New York to help all who was injured. Fire fighters, police officers, paramedics, and residents pulled

through the rubble to save anyone injured or buried.”) There is an adequate attempt to provide a substantive introduction, thesis, and conclusion. (“Thousands of armed forces including young men and women went to war for America. These people ended terrorism towards America.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates a generally unified structure. The first paragraph appropriately introduces the event and its importance to America’s history. Each body paragraph is focused around a key point and begins with a well-structured topic sentence. (“While people worked day and night to clean up others

worked the serve their country.”) The concluding paragraph reiterates the author’s main ideas. (“As you can see the importance of the attack; it caused destruction to America, proved peoples patriotism, and

caused war.”)

Language Use & Style

The author of this essay demonstrates appropriate language use and style. Word choice and sentence

structure are correct and appropriate. (“While people worked day and night to clean up others worked the serve their country. Many men and women went to war and fought terrorists. President Bush declared war against terrorists. America moved in and dominated most of Iraq.”) Voice is also occasionally detectable in this response. (“People worked day and night. Local restaurants, cafes and other stores helped to supply the workers. How these people responded after this horrible disaster proves their loyalty to America.”) The author tends to approach the essay in a formulaic fashion, and it shows in the language use and style.

Sentences tend to be shorter than the essay with a score point of 5 and less sophisticated. Essays at this level may also occasionally have poor word choice. (“The first airplane crashed into one of the twin towers. The second airplane crashed into the Pentagon. The third one crashed into the second tower.

Finally, people understood what was going on. The people on the fourth airplane stopped the highjacker.”) There is enough substantive content, however, to justify a score of 4.

Mechanics & Conventions

There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation (“the terrorists destination”), and spelling

(“highjacker”) in this essay, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. Many sentences have a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter.

Noticeable errors in grammar and punctuation begin to become more noticeable at this level, but the essay is still easily intelligible. (“The destruction of our land proved many peoples' patriotism. Thousands of Americans went to New York to help all who was injured. Fire fighters, police officers, paramedics, and residents pulled through the rubble to save anyone injured or buried.”)

Model Essay

Students in high school have learned abut many things that happened throughout history, which in many way influences our world today. A moment that has happened in history in which comes to mind is Holocaust, which was one of the most horrible things that has happened.

The Holocaust was brought on by an evil man that goes by the name of Adolf Hitler. He and his army the notze killed millions of Jews.

When women gave birth to their children they would kill the babys and through them out a window. Split them up in groups and kill all of the people in one group and let the others live, for the time being.

Some people were move fortunate than others and are still alive to this day. But have to have those horrible memories of losing loved ones, seeing so much death, all of that will be with the for the rest of their lives.

The Holocaust was a horrible time for everyone in the world. So many lives taken for now reason but that Hitler wanted them dead. He was a horrible man then and even know is still a horrible man, and thats what he will always be.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Overall, this author communicates a limited message to the readers. A controlling idea is established (“A moment that has happened in history in which comes to mind is Holocaust, which was one of the most horrible things that has happened.”), but it receives too little support. Thus, the task is completed, but only partially. The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. In the introduction, only a limited supporting idea of the essay is stated. The writing style is not always appropriate for the audience. Generally, the essay does stay on topic, but a lack of depth ultimately dooms the essay. (“A moment that has happened in history in

which comes to mind is Holocaust, which was one of the most horrible things that has happened.”)

Content & Development

The author develops ideas briefly and inconsistently in this essay, using insufficient details to support the central idea. For example, in the third paragraph, the student describes some of the atrocities that the Nazis committed. However, there aren’t enough details and examples to appropriately support the thesis. Details are so scarce at some points that it is unclear what the author is writing about. (“When women gave birth to their children they would kill the babys and through them out a window. Split them up in groups and kill all of the people in one group and let the others live, for the time being.”)

Organization

Evidence of unified structure can be found in this response. The introduction does attempt to grab the

readers. (“Students in high school have learned abut many things that happened throughout history, which in many way influences our world today.”) The writer also seems to have an understanding of paragraphing. However, the organization could be further improved by creating more structured body paragraphs. Topic sentences and transitional devices would greatly help to improve organization. A more substantive and detailed thesis statement would help the essay’s focus, as well as give more to discuss later in the essay. A conclusion is also provided, but it doesn’t do a good job of summarizing the ideas

presented earlier in the essay. (“So many lives taken for now reason but that Hitler wanted them dead. He was a horrible man then and even know is still a horrible man, and thats what he will always be.”)

Language Use & Style

The language use in this essay can best be described as limited. Sentences tend to be simple or incomplete. (“But have to have those horrible memories of losing loved ones, seeing so much death, all of that will be with the for the rest of their lives.”) Some awareness of voice is discernable, but it is not adequately

controlled. (“He was a horrible man then and even know is still a horrible man, and thats what he will

always be.”) Essays at this level often have sentences that are too short or sometimes too long. There can be repetition. The use of transitions to move between ideas is not adequately used. (“The Holocaust was brought on by an evil man that goes by the name of Adolf Hitler. He and his army the notze killed millions of Jews.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This response reveals limited control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Several noticeable errors in grammar (“for now reason”), mechanics, punctuation, and spelling (“notze”) detract from the presentation of the author’s central idea. Essays at this level begin to suffer from errors that begin to

impede meaning. Overall, the essay is still comprehendible, but the author needs to improve spelling and mechanics. Essays at this level may or may not use proper paragraph indentation, sentences may not begin with a capital letter, and each sentence may not end with a punctuation mark.

Model Essay

History has being for many decates. The history that we as students have learne why people where fight. Like they beging a war. I think that they beging war for one reason there was not alot of communication. History has change. Before there was history there was pre-history. History is alot of thinks. One think it history family. History its a little difrent. History family comes a par to be why this person fight. History has influence in todays world. History its important.

History has influence are world today. All those War I and War II that have pass in history. The War I it all started because the diffrent types of religious couldn’t understand each other. The War II had to do with the same think. I think that if they tried to understand there will not be alot of inocented that didn’t whant that war. There has being a big conflict in the wars it all have to do with religion. Other ex that I know that this country when to a war just for a socceer game that they lost. That is very directoulest.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Overall, while the author suggests a controlling idea (“The War I it all started because the diffrent types of religious couldn’t understand each other”), the author is unable to meaningfully address the audience or complete the task. This essay does not attempt to provide a clear thesis in the introduction, although it is

still on topic. (“History family comes a par to be why this person fight. History has influence in todays world. History its important.”) The writing style is not appropriate for the audience, and ideas are not clear and convincing. (“The War I it all started because the diffrent types of religious couldn’t understand each other. The War II had to do with the same think. I think that if they tried to understand there will not be

alot of inocented that didn’t whant that war.”)

Content & Development

The author of this essay develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support ideas. A brief mention of a historical event can be discerned in the second paragraph (“All those War I and War II that have pass in history”) along with an unsuccessful attempt to explain its relevance (“I think that if they tried to understand there will not be alot of inocented that didn’t whant that war”). The author does not

attempt to grab readers’ attention with anything meaningful. There is repetition, little background information provided, and very few details on the topics discussed. (“There has being a big conflict in the wars it all have to do with religion.”) Some content does not seem to make sense when compared to the rest of the essay. (“Other ex that I know that this country when to a war just for a socceer game that they lost. That is very directoulest.”)

Organization

This response demonstrates little evidence of a unified structure. The introduction is confused and does not logically lead the readers into the body of the essay. No conclusion is provided. There does seem to be an introduction, but the lack of a thesis statement or transitions continues to hurt the essay’s organization, which is already inadequate.

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates very poor language use. The author often uses the wrong word in context (“History has being” and “One think it”) and makes basic errors in sentence structure. Some words are

misspelled to the point that it may confuse readers. (“That is very directoulest.”) Transitions are not used.

Sentences are often too short or are too long. The sentences are too informal and do not effectively

communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“I think that they beging war for one reason there was not alot of communication. History has change.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

In this essay, the author demonstrates only a minimal control of the conventions of writing. Significant errors in grammar (“History has change”), mechanics, punctuation (“influence in todays world”), and

spelling (“difrent,” “decates,” and “inocented”) remain, making it difficult for the readers to understand the author’s message. Essays at this level may or may not contain sentences that end with a punctuation mark or begin with a capital letter, and there may be no attempt to properly separate or indent paragraphs.

Model Essay

Desember 7, 1941 a date wich will live in infamean the nation of Japane delibrity attack the United States. thees wher the famous word from F.D.R. Soon after Germiny beclair war on the United States. Next came the tactical bomb of sevaral foctoys in Japane. Japane had only seen a small tast of what is to come.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Overall, this response fails to establish a controlling idea and to complete the assigned task. It is noticeable that this author makes no attempt to describe the importance of the event cited to our world today. The essay is only on topic as much as is necessary to establish they are talking about an important historical

event. There is no further attempt to address the prompt task. (“Next came the tactical bomb of sevaral foctoys in Japane. Japane had only seen a small tast of what is to come.”) The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. No point of view is stated and there is a complete lack of understanding of who the audience is.

Content & Development

In this response, the author fails to develop the historical event sufficiently, offering few details to support the central idea. While a vague description of the event is given (“Japane delibrity attack the United States.”), there is no additional information given to help the readers understand this event or its importance. The essay is just long enough to avoid being non-scorable.

Organization

No attempt is made to develop a unified structure in this essay, which lacks a meaningful introduction and conclusion. There is an attempt to gain readers’ attention through a well-known quotation, but it does not follow up by putting that into a meaningful context. Essays at this level will almost never use paragraphing, transitions, or concluding remarks.

Language Use & Style

The language used in this essay is often unclear and incoherent, while the simple sentences are marked by many structural errors. Essays at this level are often repetitious, informal, and do not effectively communicate any message relevant to the prompt.

Mechanics & Conventions

Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling (“Desember,” “foctoys,” and “tast”) significantly interfere with the communication of the message. The text is not indented when beginning a new paragraph and each sentence does not begin with a capital letter or end with a punctuation mark. (“thees wher the famous word from F.D.R. Soon after Germiny beclair war on the United States. Next

came the tactical bomb of sevaral foctoys in Japane.”)

What is a revolution? How does a revolution affect the people and society in which it takes place?

In a well-developed essay, define revolution and describe the effect that a particular revolution had on the people and society of the time period in which it took place. Include facts and details to support your description.

Model Essay

A revolution, Latin for "turn around", is a sudden, radical, or complete change. It is fundamental change in power or organizational structure that takes place in short periods of time. Aristotle said it to be "a complete change from one constitution to another" and "a modification of an existing constitution". A revolution, as you may know, has major effects on society in the realms of culture, economy, and socio- political institutions. A historical and motivational revolution to our country, and other nations, was the American Revolution.

The American Revolutionary War consisted of 13 separate battles against the British and Patriots. Americans no longer wanted to be under the rule of the British monarchy; they wanted to be their own independent nation with freedom, liberty and equality. They called themselves Patriots. Unfortunately, the odds were against the Patriots winning the war at the beginning. The British had a well developed navy, a structured army of hired soldiers and were equipped with weapons in good condition. Contrarily, the Patriots utilized a volunteer militia and a weak navy that ran short on supplies very often. Don't get me wrong, the Patriots had their advantages too. They fought on their own land, forcing the British to ship supplies; they had a great commendable leader, George Washington, and a strong driven determination for their cause. As the war continued, Patriots gained alliances with Africans, France, Spain and other European nations, while the British had an alliance with Native Americans. Out of all the battles, the one that stood out the most was the Battle of Yorktown; it was a turning point for the Patriots. Also, because of the Patriots’ guerrilla warfares, a "hit-and-run" technique, the British surrendered and the Patriots had finally gained their freedom and won the war.

The American Revolution, like all revolutions, played a major role in society and the way we live today. During the revolution, Americans faced financial troubles. Finance in the war was a major issue because Congress had no power to raise money through taxes, so they thought it would be a good idea to print money; however, it only lessened the value of dollar bills and caused inflation to the economy. During the revolution as well, ideals of liberty and freedom that inspired the American Revolution caused some women to question their place in society. Women like Judith Sergeant Murray and Abigail Adams argued that "their minds should be as good as men's" meaning they should have an opportunity to receive well developed educations. Liberty and freedom inspired not only women, but had Americans question slavery. As the war took place, loyalists were treated the poorest. Loyalists had to flee America because their neighbors shunned them, they became victims of mob violence, they were arrested and tried as traitors, and some were even executed. The Treaty of Paris also came about when the war was about finished. It stated Britain was at peace with France and Spain, British recognized the United States as an independent nation, the British would withdraw troops from America, and Americans were allowed to fish in Canadian waters. In return, America decided British merchants could collect all owed debts and that they would return loyalists' land. Certainly, society was altered during the war.

In addition to changes in society while the war was about, it also reconstructed society after the war was won. Numerous nations from all around the world seemed to follow in America's footsteps. The war made clear the principles of freedom and rights outlined in the Declaration of Independence. The sound of Americans chanting freedom, liberty, and equality was heard all over the world. It stretched across the

Atlantic Ocean to France. Influenced by America, France had its own revolution. It spread to Morocco, Friedland, and the Dutch Republic, where they envied the freedom of America, and soon freedom developed there as well. Across the Caribbean to Saint Domingue, present day Haiti, Africans took arms and shook off French rule; that was the second nation to achieve independence from colonial rule. In fact, the European empire became a democracy. As for us, it teaches a valuable lesson: even if the odds are against you, don't give up; fight for what you believe in and with great determination because you do have a chance. As you can see, our society we live in today has dramatically changed thanks to the American Revolutionary War.

The bottom line is the American Revolution has had a major impact on not just us but other nations as well. It has changed, shaped, and developed the society we live in today. Now we live in freedom, with liberty and equality, and nobody is an exception to these privileges. Not just us, it had other nations develop

idealistically to America’s ways too. Today, women have the opportunity for education and slavery is abolished. We, the people of America, can all say the Pledge of Allegiance loud and proud, thanks to the American Revolutionary War.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience. The writer effectively completes all parts of the task and leaves readers with a clear picture of the effects the American Revolution had on the people who experienced it before, during, and after its execution.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by very effectively defining a revolution to begin the introduction. (“A revolution, Latin for ‘turn around’, is a sudden, radical, or complete change. It is fundamental change in power or organizational structure that takes place in short periods of time. Aristotle said it to be ‘a

complete change from one constitution to another’ and ‘a modification of an existing constitution’. A revolution, as you may know, has major effects on society in the realms of culture, economy, and socio- political institutions. A historical and motivational revolution to our country, and other nations, was the American Revolution.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. (“The American Revolution, like all revolutions, played a major role in society and the way we live today. During the revolution, Americans faced financial troubles. Finance in the war was a major issue because Congress had no power to raise money through taxes, so they thought it would be a good idea to print money; however, it only lessened the value of dollar bills and caused inflation to the economy.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“The sound of Americans chanting freedom, liberty, and equality was heard all over the world. It stretched across the Atlantic Ocean to France.

Influenced by America, France had its own revolution. It spread to Morocco, Friedland, and the Dutch Republic, where they envied the freedom of America, and soon freedom developed there as well. Across the Caribbean to Saint Domingue, present day Haiti, Africans took arms and shook off French rule; that was the second nation to achieve independence from colonial rule. In fact, the European empire became a democracy. As for us, it teaches a valuable lesson: even if the odds are against you, don't give up; fight for what you believe in and with great determination because you do have a chance. As you can see, our society we live in today has dramatically changed thanks to the American Revolutionary War.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas using a wide variety of appropriate details to support the main themes of the essay.

Relevant points explain and illustrate some of the ways the American Revolution affected society.

(“During the revolution as well, ideals of liberty and freedom that inspired the American Revolution caused some women to question their place in society. Women like Judith Sergeant Murray and Abigail Adams

argued that ‘their minds should be as good as men's’ meaning they should have an opportunity to receive well developed educations. Liberty and freedom inspired not only women, but had Americans question slavery.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (“Numerous nations from all around the world seemed to follow in America's footsteps. The war made clear the principles of freedom and rights outlined in the Declaration of Independence. The sound of Americans chanting freedom, liberty, and equality was heard all over the world. It stretched across the Atlantic Ocean to France. Influenced by America, France had its own revolution. It spread to Morocco, Friedland, and the Dutch Republic, where they envied the freedom of America, and soon freedom developed there as well. Across the Caribbean to Saint Domingue, present day Haiti, Africans took arms and shook off French rule; that was the second nation to achieve independence from colonial rule.”)

Specific information about the ways in which people were treated during the American Revolution is

described very effectively. (“As the war took place, loyalists were treated the poorest. Loyalists had to flee America because their neighbors shunned them, they became victims of mob violence, they were arrested and tried as traitors, and some were even executed. The Treaty of Paris also came about when the war was about finished. It stated Britain was at peace with France and Spain, British recognized the United States as an independent nation, the British would withdraw troops from America, and Americans were allowed to fish in Canadian waters. In return, America decided British merchants could collect all owed debts and that they would return loyalists' land. Certainly, society was altered during the war.”)

Organization

The essay’s organization is very effective. The writer demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. There is effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout.

The writer effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction by incorporating a definition and then introducing the readers to the revolution that will be discussed. (“A revolution, Latin for ‘turn around’, is a sudden, radical, or complete change. It is fundamental change in power or organizational structure that

takes place in short periods of time. Aristotle said it to be ‘a complete change from one constitution to

another’ and ‘a modification of an existing constitution’. A revolution, as you may know, has major effects on society in the realms of culture, economy, and socio-political institutions. A historical and motivational revolution to our country, and other nations, was the American Revolution.”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect ideas between paragraphs. (“In addition to changes in society while the war was about, it also reconstructed society after the war was won. Numerous nations from all around the world seemed to follow in America's footsteps. The war made clear the principles of freedom and rights outlined in the Declaration of Independence. The sound of Americans chanting freedom, liberty, and equality was heard all over the world. It stretched across the Atlantic Ocean to France. Influenced by America, France had its own revolution.”)

The writer includes an ending that provides readers with a sense of closure. (“The bottom line is the American Revolution has had a major impact on not just us but other nations as well. It has changed, shaped, and developed the society we live in today. Now we live in freedom, with liberty and equality, and nobody is an exception to these privileges. Not just us, it had other nations develop idealistically to

America’s ways too. Today, women have the opportunity for education and slavery is abolished. We, the people of America, can all say the Pledge of Allegiance loud and proud, thanks to the American Revolutionary War.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is very effective. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the effectiveness of the writer’s response.

The writer chooses descriptive words to effectively describe the advantages patriots had in waging the

revolution against England. (“They fought on their own land, forcing the British to ship supplies; they had a great commendable leader, George Washington, and a strong driven determination for their cause. As the war continued, Patriots gained alliances with Africans, France, Spain and other European nations, while the British had an alliance with Native Americans. Out of all the battles, the one that stood out the most was

the Battle of Yorktown; it was a turning point for the Patriots. Also, because of the Patriots’ guerrilla warfares, a ‘hit-and-run’ technique, the British surrendered and the Patriots had finally gained their freedom and won the war.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“The American Revolutionary War consisted of 13 separate battles against the British and Patriots. Americans no longer wanted to be under the rule of the British monarchy; they wanted to be their own independent nation with freedom, liberty and equality. They called themselves Patriots. Unfortunately, the odds were against the Patriots winning the war at the beginning.”)

The writer demonstrates use of strong voice throughout the response. (“The bottom line is the American Revolution has had a major impact on not just us but other nations as well. It has changed, shaped, and developed the society we live in today. Now we live in freedom, with liberty and equality, and nobody is an exception to these privileges. Not just us, it had other nations develop idealistically to America’s ways too.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

letter, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“The American Revolutionary War consisted of 13 separate battles against the British and Patriots. Americans no longer wanted to be under the rule of the British monarchy; they wanted to be their own independent nation with freedom, liberty and equality. They called themselves Patriots. Unfortunately, the odds were against the Patriots winning the war at the beginning. The British had a well developed navy, a structured army of hired soldiers and were equipped with weapons in good condition. Contrarily, the Patriots utilized a volunteer militia and a weak navy that ran short on supplies very often.”)

Model Essay

The world changed on the day that someone decided to work smarter, not harder. They were able to achieve much more with their accomplishment and were able to profit from it as well. This eventually spread around the world and soon everyone was benefiting from the new technology. This eventually led up to the industrial revolution. An industrial revolution is when mechanical effort replaces muscular effort. So basically, when a machine replaces a human on a large scale, it is considered an industrial revolution. This took place from about 1750 to the early 1900's. People started to use machines to increase their productivity. This enabled them to make a lot more money. Now people were able to mass-produce products and make it more available for the public.

It first started with the Romans who had made sketches of their new technological toys that were powered by steam. They had made marvels that had disappeared during the rule of the Catholic Church. Soon after, Renaissance people started discovering these marvels that the Romans had produced. People decided to take those ideas and put them to good use, like improving the weaving loom and the thread spinner. Once people harnessed the idea of steam, they took it to the next level. They turned everything into steam

powered. Steam power let people put a factory where they wanted it, instead of having to put it on a river, so it could be run by water power and crank shaft. The new society found that steam power was very efficient when used properly. They made whole factories that ran on nothing but steam. This created the need for coal.

Coinciding with this, England had an abundant source of coal which created a lot of jobs. Men now went to work in coal mines instead of working at home. People now had a boss instead of being their own boss.

They had to be at work on time now and they couldn't just work whenever they wanted to. Problems arose at the mines. The coal would go under the ocean which would cause significant flooding. Then finally people used steam power to get the water out. The only problem with this stream machine was that it was enormous and it was very inefficient. Another person made a smaller more efficient version which worked much better.

Consequently, the world now had a grip on steam power; they made trains and boats that ran on steam. A man in Germany made the first car that ran on gasoline. This revolutionized transportation in the world. People could now go where they wanted, when they wanted. This spread to the United States and Henry Ford started making his inexpensive family car using the efficiency of a mass assembly line operation. He cultivated the way to mass produce his cars by using the assembly line system, and in turn, made history. Basically, a person started with the rudimentary part and added something else on to it, then, another person added another part, and so on. This system helped make Ford's cars more affordable and more accessible to the common man. As a result of this, once everyone started buying things, they started to lose the money they had worked so hard to save. People lived in extremely close quarters and had very poor living conditions. Famine spread quickly and so did poverty. To keep the cities in order, organized police forces were made.

Another great achievement was the use electricity. Thomas Edison took over two years but he made the first incandescent light bulb. This helped "light up" the world. The world's first radio was made. Now people could talk to other people across the world with the turning of a switch. Lastly, the telephone was invented. People originally had to send a telegraph which could take a long time to receive. Now anyone with a phone could call any other person they knew with a phone. This enabled the possibilities of communication around the world.

The Industrial Revolution brought great change to the world. People could now travel quicker and more efficiently. People could communicate with little effort at all. People could now make money and have money left over. The people during the Industrial Revolution made the most change on the world. These extraordinary people have changed the way the world works forever. There was no turning back.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the essay. The writer establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience. The writer satisfies most parts of the prompt task.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by using an engaging statement in the introduction. (“The world changed on the day that someone decided to work smarter, not harder. They were able to achieve much more with their accomplishment and were able to profit from it as well. This eventually spread around the world and soon everyone was benefiting from the new technology.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. (“So basically, when a machine replaces a human on a large scale, it is considered an industrial revolution. This took place from about 1750 to the early 1900's. People started to use machines to increase their productivity. This enabled them to make a lot more money. Now people were able to mass-produce products and make it more available for the public. It first started with the Romans who had made sketches of their new technological toys that were powered by steam. They had made marvels that had disappeared during the rule of the Catholic Church.

Soon after, Renaissance people started discovering these marvels that the Romans had produced. People

decided to take those ideas and put them to good use, like improving the weaving loom and the thread spinner.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“Once people harnessed the idea of steam, they took it to the next level. They turned everything into steam powered. Steam power let people put a factory where they wanted it, instead of having to put it on a river, so it could be run by water power and crank shaft. The new society found that steam power was very efficient when used properly. They made whole factories that ran on nothing but steam. This created the need for coal.”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient appropriate details to support ideas.

The content in the body of the paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain the main idea. (“Coinciding with this, England had an abundant source of coal which created a lot of jobs. Men now went to work in coal mines instead of working at home. People now had a boss instead of being their own boss. They had to be at work on time now and they couldn't just work whenever they wanted to. Problems arose at the mines. The coal would go under the ocean which would cause significant flooding. Then finally people used steam power to get the water out. The only problem with this stream machine was that it was enormous and it was very inefficient. Another person made a smaller more efficient version which worked much better.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea in the topic sentence.

(“Consequently, the world now had a grip on steam power; they made trains and boats that ran on steam. A man in Germany made the first car that ran on gasoline. This revolutionized transportation in the world.

People could now go where they wanted, when they wanted. This spread to the United States and Henry Ford started making his inexpensive family car using the efficiency of a mass assembly line operation. He cultivated the way to mass produce his cars by using the assembly line system, and in turn, made history. Basically, a person started with the rudimentary part and added something else on to it, then, another person added another part, and so on. This system helped make Ford's cars more affordable and more accessible to the common man.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“Another great achievement was the use electricity. Thomas Edison took over two years but he made the first incandescent light bulb. This helped ‘light up’ the world. The world's first radio was made. Now people could talk to other people across the world with the turning of a switch. Lastly, the telephone was invented. People originally had to send a telegraph which could take a long time to receive. Now anyone with a phone could call any other person they knew with a phone. This enabled the possibilities of communication around the world.”)

Organization

There is good organization of ideas and events throughout the essay. The writer demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. Additionally, consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices is reflected.

The essay demonstrates an effective introduction. (“The world changed on the day that someone decided to work smarter, not harder. They were able to achieve much more with their accomplishment and were able to profit from it as well. This eventually spread around the world and soon everyone was benefiting from the new technology. This eventually led up to the industrial revolution. An industrial revolution is when mechanical effort replaces muscular effort. So basically, when a machine replaces a human on a large scale, it is considered an industrial revolution. This took place from about 1750 to the early 1900's. People started to use machines to increase their productivity. This enabled them to make a lot more money. Now people were able to mass-produce products and make it more available for the public.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or sentences are used well. (“Another great achievement was the use electricity. Thomas Edison took over two years but he made the first incandescent light bulb. This helped

‘light up’ the world. The world's first radio was made. Now people could talk to other people across the world with the turning of a switch. Lastly, the telephone was invented. People originally had to send a telegraph which could take a long time to receive. Now anyone with a phone could call any other person they knew with a phone. This enabled the possibilities of communication around the world.”)

The essay’s conclusion provides readers with closure and leaves them to ponder all the ways life changed for people around the world after the Industrial Revolution began. They are led to the conclusion that once that occurred, there truly was “no turning back.” (“The Industrial Revolution brought great change to the world. People could now travel quicker and more efficiently. People could communicate with little effort at all. People could now make money and have money left over. The people during the Industrial Revolution made the most change on the world. These extraordinary people have changed the way the world works forever. There was no turning back.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good language use, voice, and style throughout the essay. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice and a clear sense of audience. The writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety.

The language and tone are consistent. (“It first started with the Romans who had made sketches of their new technological toys that were powered by steam. They had made marvels that had disappeared during the rule of the Catholic Church. Soon after, Renaissance people started discovering these marvels that the Romans had produced. People decided to take those ideas and put them to good use, like improving the weaving loom and the thread spinner. Once people harnessed the idea of steam, they took it to the next level.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“Consequently, the world now had a grip on steam power; they made trains and boats that ran on steam. A man in Germany made the first car that ran on gasoline. This revolutionized transportation in the world. People could now go where they wanted, when they wanted. This spread to the United States and Henry Ford started making his inexpensive family car using the efficiency of a mass assembly line operation. He cultivated the way to mass produce his cars by using the assembly line system, and in turn, made history.”)

The writer employs good word choices to describe the different technologies that contributed to the drastic changes experienced during the Industrial Revolution. (“Basically, a person started with the rudimentary part and added something else on to it, then, another person added another part, and so on. This system helped make Ford's cars more affordable and more accessible to the common man. As a result of this, once everyone started buying things, they started to lose the money they had worked so hard to save. People lived in extremely close quarters and had very poor living conditions. Famine spread quickly and so did poverty. To keep the cities in order, organized police forces were made.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits good control of mechanics and conventions throughout the essay. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement, appropriate capitalization and punctuation, that all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“Consequently, the world now had a grip on steam power; they made trains and boats that ran on steam. A man in Germany made the first car that ran on gasoline. This revolutionized transportation in the world. People could now go where they wanted, when they wanted.”)

Model Essay

A revolution is an event in time that challenges and changes theories or beliefs that people believe in. The scientific revolution had many questions and faced many challenges. Nicolaus Copernicus, Galileo Galilei, and Isaac Newton all challenged the ideas of Aristotle.

Nicolaus Copernicus was the first to question Aristotle's geocentric theory. It stated that the Earth was the center of the universe. Copernicus invented the heliocentric theory which said that the sun is the center of the universe. Copernicus was terrified of being rejected by the people, so he kept it all to himself, and later published his book on the revolutions of the heavenly bodies, but it wasn't published until he was on his death bed.

Later, in 1781, a 17 year old boy named Galileo Galilei challenged Aristotle's theory of the pendulum, which stated that objects always swing at a constant speed and he asserted that it was wrong. Galileo had discovered the law of the pendulum, then when stated, had also tested Aristotle's idea that heavy objects fall faster than lighter ones. Galileo dropped stones of different weights from the leaning tower of Pisa. Both objects fell at the same time and Aristotle was proven wrong again. Then, Galileo built a telescope to see far objects, and with some improvements, Galileo could study the heavens. He published a book called Starry Messenger in which he described his observations. He announced that Jupiter had four moons, the sun had dark spots, and he had also said the Earth had an unsmooth surface. All of Galileo's discoveries scared the Catholic Church. Then, in 1642, when he was not a free man, Galileo died while under house arrest.

After, in the mid 1600's, Isaac Newton helped bring together the theory of motion. Newton's great discovery was that the same force, the pendulum, and all matter on earth and in space. He did not approve of the idea of Aristotle that one set of physical laws governed Earth and the rest of the universe. In 1687, Newton published ideas called Mathematical Principles of Natural Philosophy; one of the most important scientific books ever written.

In conclusion, a revolution is an event in time that challenges and changes theories or beliefs that people believe in. The scientific revolution was a revolution that questioned other people's ideas and faced many challenges. Nicolaus Copernicus, Galileo Galilei, and Isaac Newton all questioned the thoughts and ideas of Aristotle and the Catholic Church.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains adequate focus and meaning in the essay. A controlling idea and a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task are revealed. The writer provides descriptions and details that are relevant and completes many parts of the task.

The thesis statement asserts the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view of the writer adequately. (“A revolution is an event in time that challenges and changes theories or beliefs that people believe in. The scientific revolution had many questions and faced many challenges. Nicolaus Copernicus, Galileo Galilei, and Isaac Newton all challenged the ideas of Aristotle.”)

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The essay is devoted to informing the readers of three scientists who defined the Scientific Revolution by challenging the long-standing, widely accepted notions of Aristotle and the Catholic Church. (“…Galileo built a telescope to see far objects, and with some improvements, Galileo could study the heavens. He published a book called Starry Messenger in which he described his observations. He announced that Jupiter had four moons, the sun had dark spots, and he had also said the Earth had an unsmooth surface. All of Galileo's discoveries scared the Catholic Church. Then, in 1642, when he was not a free man, Galileo died while under house arrest.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“After, in the mid 1600's, Isaac Newton helped bring together the theory of motion. Newton's great

discovery was that the same force, the pendulum, and all matter on earth and in space. He did not approve of the idea of Aristotle that one set of physical laws governed Earth and the rest of the universe. In 1687, Newton published ideas called Mathematical Principles of Natural Philosophy; one of the most important scientific books ever written.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support.

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Later, in 1781, a 17 year old boy named Galileo Galilei challenged Aristotle's theory of the pendulum, which stated that objects always swing at a constant speed and he asserted that it was wrong. Galileo had discovered the law of the pendulum, then when stated, had also tested Aristotle's idea that heavy objects fall faster than lighter ones. Galileo dropped stones of different weights from the leaning tower of Pisa. Both objects fell at the same time and Aristotle was proven wrong again.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. However, providing more specific details of how these scientific revolts affected the people living in this period of

time would enhance the writer’s overall message. (“After, in the mid 1600's, Isaac Newton helped bring together the theory of motion. Newton's great discovery was that the same force, the pendulum, and all matter on earth and in space. He did not approve of the idea of Aristotle that one set of physical laws governed Earth and the rest of the universe. In 1687, Newton published ideas called Mathematical Principles of Natural Philosophy; one of the most important scientific books ever written.”)

The writer provides anecdotal examples that are relevant. (“Nicolaus Copernicus was the first to question Aristotle's geocentric theory. It stated that the Earth was the center of the universe. Copernicus invented the heliocentric theory which said that the sun is the center of the universe. Copernicus was terrified of being rejected by the people, so he kept it all to himself, and later published his book on the revolutions of the heavenly bodies, but it wasn't published until he was on his death bed.”)

Organization

There is adequate organization in the essay. The writer provides an interesting opening to the response that keeps readers reading. The essay generally flows smoothly from one idea to another with subtle transitions to support sequential development.

The beginning of the essay demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab readers’ attention by defining a revolution and then introducing readers to scientists who made the Scientific Revolution a reality. (“A

revolution is an event in time that challenges and changes theories or beliefs that people believe in. The scientific revolution had many questions and faced many challenges. Nicolaus Copernicus, Galileo Galilei, and Isaac Newton all challenged the ideas of Aristotle.”)

Subtle transitions are used to connect ideas. (“Later, in 1781, a 17 year old boy named Galileo Galilei challenged Aristotle's theory of the pendulum, which stated that objects always swing at a constant speed and he asserted that it was wrong. Galileo had discovered the law of the pendulum, then when stated, had also tested Aristotle's idea that heavy objects fall faster than lighter ones. Galileo dropped stones of different weights from the leaning tower of Pisa. Both objects fell at the same time and Aristotle was proven wrong again. Then, Galileo built a telescope to see far objects, and with some improvements, Galileo could study the heavens.”) The writer should incorporate more transitions to connect the ideas in a more meaningful way.

The writer’s conclusion manages to summarize the main points of the response, but neglects to leave the readers with much to think about. Readers do have a sense of closure, but the writer should consider

enhancing the conclusion. (“In conclusion, a revolution is an event in time that challenges and changes theories or beliefs that people believe in. The scientific revolution was a revolution that questioned other people's ideas and faced many challenges. Nicolaus Copernicus, Galileo Galilei, and Isaac Newton all questioned the thoughts and ideas of Aristotle and the Catholic Church.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is adequate. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, an awareness of audience, and control of voice. There is generally correct sentence structure with some variety .

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“Then, Galileo built a telescope to see far objects, and with some improvements, Galileo could study the heavens. He published a book called Starry Messenger in which he described his observations. He announced that Jupiter had four moons, the sun had dark spots,

and he had also said the Earth had an unsmooth surface.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the response. The writer provides language that adequately describes some of the individuals involved in the Scientific Revolution to the intended audience. (“Nicolaus Copernicus was the first to question Aristotle's geocentric theory. It stated that the Earth was the center of the universe. Copernicus invented the heliocentric theory which said that the sun is the center of the universe. Copernicus was terrified of being rejected by the people, so he kept it all to himself, and later published his book on the revolutions of the heavenly bodies, but it wasn't published until he was on his

death bed.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the essay. (“After, in the mid 1600's, Isaac Newton helped bring together the theory of motion. Newton's great discovery was that the same force, the pendulum, and all matter on earth and in space. He did not approve of the idea of Aristotle that one set of physical laws governed Earth and the rest of the universe. In 1687, Newton published ideas called Mathematical Principles of Natural Philosophy; one of the most important scientific books ever written.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits adequate control of mechanics and conventions through most of the essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer adequately ensures that sentences have subject-verb agreement, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences begin with capital letters, word selections are spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs are indicated with line breaks. (“Later, in 1781, a 17 year old boy named Galileo Galilei challenged Aristotle's theory of the pendulum, which stated that objects always swing at a constant speed and he asserted that it was wrong. Galileo had discovered the law of the pendulum, then when stated, had also tested Aristotle's idea that heavy objects fall faster than lighter ones.”)

Model Essay

A revolution is a rebellion of sorts. Revolutions can happen at any given time. Usually revolutions happen when someone or a group of people does not like how something is run and they rebel. When a revolution happens anarchy sinks in. Anarchy is chaos. Chaos is disorder. Disorder leads to a crumbling society.

When you have a crumbling society hardly anything can be done. These do not happen all the time though

when you start a revolution. Most of the time revolutions do not even reach the point of anarchy; some times it will skip anarchy all together. Usually revolutions do not lead to war or any act of violence. The American Revolution however reached that point.

The American Revolution was a fight for our own independence. All Americans know that. The colonists did not agree with the way the British was taxing all the goods we bought so we rebelled. The minute that we decided to rebel chaos shortly ensued. Farmers who knew nothing of war were asked to fight for their freedom. There were a lot of deaths during this war but it was worth dying for. Because of that revolution we have became one on the most powerful countries in the world.

However, not all revolutions can be successful. The Revolution Of 1848 in the German States is an example. This revolution tried to unite all German speaking states into a single nation. The reason the revolution failed is that the government prevented it from succeeding.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the essay. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides limited descriptions and details that may not give readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Only some of the tasks in the prompt are completed.

The essay states the controlling idea in a very limited way. (“When you have a crumbling society hardly anything can be done. These do not happen all the time though when you start a revolution. Most of the time revolutions do not even reach the point of anarchy; some times it will skip anarchy all together.

Usually revolutions do not lead to war or any act of violence. The American Revolution however reached that point.”)

The writer’s focus is limited. The writer focuses on the definition of a revolution and to a lesser degree, the American Revolution, but the descriptions are limited at best. (“The American Revolution was a fight for our own independence. All Americans know that. The colonists did not agree with the way the British was taxing all the goods we bought so we rebelled. The minute that we decided to rebel chaos shortly ensued.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the essay and should include more meaningful examples to illustrate not only the causes of the American Revolution, but also the effect it had on the people involved. Including specific individuals, events, and effects would help the readers comprehend the full scope of the revolution in their minds. (“Farmers who knew nothing of war were asked to fight for their freedom. There were a lot of deaths during this war but it was worth dying for. Because of that revolution we have became one on the most powerful countries in the world.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The essay develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support.

The essay uses limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“The American Revolution was a fight for our own independence. All Americans know that. The colonists did not agree with the way the British was

taxing all the goods we bought so we rebelled. The minute that we decided to rebel chaos shortly ensued.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. (“However, not all revolutions can be successful. The Revolution Of 1848 in the German States is an example. This revolution tried to unite all German speaking states into a single nation.”)

The explanations and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“Farmers who knew nothing of war were asked to fight for their freedom. There were a lot of deaths during this war but it was worth dying for. Because of that revolution we have became one on the most powerful countries in the world.”)

Organization

There is limited organization of main ideas and supporting details in the essay. The writer demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. There is limited use of paragraphing, and the essay lacks some transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates a limited introduction. The writer discloses a definition of a revolution, but with limited background information and descriptive details, readers struggle to grasp what the writer is

attempting to convey. (“A revolution is a rebellion of sorts. Revolutions can happen at any given time. Usually revolutions happen when someone or a group of people does not like how something is run and they rebel. When a revolution happens anarchy sinks in. Anarchy is chaos. Chaos is disorder. Disorder leads to a crumbling society. When you have a crumbling society hardly anything can be done.”)

Strong transitions between paragraphs and between sentences are needed to enhance the flow of the

writer’s ideas. (“The American Revolution was a fight for our own independence. All Americans know that. The colonists did not agree with the way the British was taxing all the goods we bought so we rebelled. The minute that we decided to rebel chaos shortly ensued. Farmers who knew nothing of war were asked to fight for their freedom. There were a lot of deaths during this war but it was worth dying for.”)

The writer does not provide a conclusion; in fact, the writer introduces a new revolution, which opens the essay to new information and leaves readers with no sense of closure. (“However, not all revolutions can be successful. The Revolution Of 1848 in the German States is an example. This revolution tried to unite all German speaking states into a single nation. The reason the revolution failed is that the government prevented it from succeeding.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates a limited use of language, voice, and style. The essay reveals simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the

writer’s message.

The lengths of some sentences are short. (“Anarchy is chaos. Chaos is disorder. Disorder leads to a crumbling society.”) The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the response more interesting to the intended audience.

The writer exhibits limited voice and style. (“The colonists did not agree with the way the British was

taxing all the goods we bought so we rebelled. The minute that we decided to rebel chaos shortly ensued.”)

The sentences are too informal and word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively

communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“A revolution is a rebellion of sorts. Revolutions can happen at any given time. Usually revolutions happen when someone or a group of people does not like how something is run and they rebel. When a revolution happens anarchy sinks in.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The control of mechanics and conventions is limited. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

times it will skip anarchy all together.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

As I was giving a well thought out report about the france revolution to my French class, I stubble on the fact that very little people in my French class was paying any attention to what i was informing them about I mean they should take the time to realize that the French revolution was a period of political and social upheaval and radical that changed French history forever. The peasants in french were very miss treated by their king and the revolution gave them a voice so that everyone in their country will show them respect and know that they are not just farmers they are people just like them.

To begin with, The revolution start in a court room where tons of thousands of peasants came together to meet their king and talk about they problem with him , but the king was very rude and didn't take into consideration what the peasants were really trying to get. So for that foolish behavior the peasant together to to form a meeting that was called the " Tennis Court meeting" they sat there for 5 day trying to come to an agreement about whether they sould leave things the way the were or to march over to the king an demand it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. The writer suggests a controlling idea, but demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. As a result, the writer completes few parts of the task.

The essay only minimally states a central/controlling idea. (“…the French revolution was a period of political and social upheaval and radical that changed French history forever.”) The writer misses the opportunity to elaborate on specific events and repercussions involved in the French Revolution. Providing more details would create a richly textured message that gives readers a clear picture of the purpose of this particular revolution and the effects it had on the people of France.

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give readers a true sense of the revolution being described. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“So for that foolish behavior the peasant together to to form a meeting that was called the

‘Tennis Court meeting’ they sat there for 5 day trying to come to an agreement about whether they sould leave things the way the were or to march over to the king an demand it.”)

The writer’s details are minimally developed. (“To begin with, The revolution start in a court room where tons of thousands of peasants came together to meet their king and talk about they problem with him , but the king was very rude and didn't take into consideration what the peasants were really trying to get.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support ideas.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s thesis statement. (“To begin with, The revolution start in a court room where tons of thousands of peasants came together to meet their king and talk about they problem with him , but the king was very rude and didn't take into consideration what the peasants were really trying to get.”)

In this two-paragraph essay, the writer does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“So for that foolish behavior the peasant together to to form a meeting that was called the ‘ Tennis Court meeting’ they sat there for 5 day trying to come to an agreement about whether they sould leave things the way the were or to march over to the king an demand it.”)

Details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. Details should include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations that give readers a clear picture of the purpose of the revolution and the effects it ultimately had on the people involved. (“To begin with, The revolution start in a court room where tons of thousands of peasants came together to meet their king and talk about they problem with him , but the king was very rude and didn't take into consideration what the peasants were really trying to get.”)

Organization

The essay’s organization is minimal. The writer provides an opening that minimally reveals the purpose of the prompt task. The response lacks effective transitional devices and paragraphing. Furthermore, the essay demonstrates little evidence of a strong ending.

The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. It contains unnecessary information that does not contribute to the central idea of the essay response. (“As I was giving a well thought out report about the france revolution to my French class, I stubble on the fact that very little people in my French class was paying any attention to what i was informing them about I mean they should take the time to realize that the French revolution was a period of political and social upheaval and radical that changed French history forever.”)

There is little use of transitional devices to help connect ideas. (“To begin with, The revolution start in a court room where tons of thousands of peasants came together to meet their king and talk about they problem with him , but the king was very rude and didn't take into consideration what the peasants were really trying to get. So for that foolish behavior the peasant together to to form a meeting that was called the ‘ Tennis Court meeting’ they sat there for 5 day trying to come to an agreement about whether they sould leave things the way the were or to march over to the king an demand it.”)

The essay does little to include a strong conclusion. (“So for that foolish behavior the peasant together to to form a meeting that was called the ‘ Tennis Court meeting’ they sat there for 5 day trying to come to an agreement about whether they sould leave things the way the were or to march over to the king an demand it.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is minimal. The writer demonstrates simple language and word choice with little awareness of audience. The essay also displays basic errors in sentence structure, spelling, and usage.

There are run-on sentences in the essay. (“As I was giving a well thought out report about the france revolution to my French class, I stubble on the fact that very little people in my French class was paying any attention to what i was informing them about I mean they should take the time to realize that the French revolution was a period of political and social upheaval and radical that changed French history forever.”)

The writer demonstrates minimal voice in the response. (“So for that foolish behavior the peasant together to to form a meeting that was called the ‘ Tennis Court meeting’ they sat there for 5 day trying to come to an agreement about whether they sould leave things the way the were or to march over to the king an demand it.”)

The writer relies on simple word choices. (“To begin with, The revolution start in a court room where tons of thousands of peasants came together to meet their king and talk about they problem with him , but the king was very rude and didn't take into consideration what the peasants were really trying to get.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is minimal. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized essay. (“So for that foolish behavior the peasant together to to form a meeting that was called the ‘ Tennis Court meeting’ they sat there for 5 day trying to come to an agreement about whether they sould leave things the way the were or to march over to the king an demand it.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

Revolution A revolution is mostly known by a war, like the American Revolution. That is a revolution something that you revolt against. But in Astronomy, a revolution is a term that refers to the amount of time an object orbits another objects. I remember that i had a lessens about the france revolution and industrial revolution and more. i will talk about the industrial revolution.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. The writer fails to sustain the controlling idea and demonstrates no understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience. The writer does not adequately complete any parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“Revolution A revolution is mostly known by a war, like the American Revolution. That is a revolution something that you revolt against.”)

The essay states a central/controlling idea, but does not develop it adequately through examples and descriptive details. (“i will talk about the industrial revolution.”)

The essay’s lack of specific details renders the writer’s message ineffective and incomplete. (“I remember that i had a lessens about the france revolution and industrial revolution and more. i will talk about the

industrial revolution.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer neglects to develop ideas, using no details for support.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“I remember that i had a lessens about the france revolution and industrial revolution and more. i will talk about the industrial

revolution.”)

In this one-paragraph response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs. At least three main ideas should be included as evidence. (“Revolution A revolution is mostly known by a war, like the American

Revolution. That is a revolution something that you revolt against. But in Astronomy, a revolution is a term that refers to the amount of time an object orbits another objects. I remember that i had a lessens about the france revolution and industrial revolution and more. i will talk about the industrial revolution.”)

Details are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Details could include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations to bring the writer’s ideas to life. (“But in Astronomy, a revolution is a term that refers to the amount of time an object orbits another objects.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate as well. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure, introduction, or conclusion; in addition, there is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“Revolution A revolution is mostly known by a war, like the American Revolution.”)

Transitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“That is a revolution something that you revolt against. But in Astronomy, a revolution is a term that refers to the amount of time an object orbits another objects.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“i will talk about the industrial revolution.”)

Language Use & Style

Language use and style are inadequate. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“Revolution A revolution is mostly known by a war, like the American Revolution. That is a revolution something that you revolt against.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“But in Astronomy, a revolution is a term that refers to the amount of time an object orbits another objects. I remember that i had a lessens about the france revolution and industrial revolution and more.”)

The writer relies on simple sentences and word choices. (“i will talk about the industrial revolution.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is inadequate. There are noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, which significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

The State of the Union is an annual message that the President of the United States addresses to Congress, which is publicly viewed on television by millions of people. It is emulated from the Speech from the Throne in the United Kingdom, which is given by the ruling monarch.

According to the Constitution, the President "shall from time to time give to Congress information of the State of the Union and recommend to their Consideration such measures as he shall judge necessary and expedient" (Article II, Section 3). It is used to discuss the accomplishments fulfilled in the previous year and to delineate the President's legislative plan for the upcoming year. The speech frequently includes important matters such as economic health, national security, the housing industry, healthcare, and education.

Writing a well-developed essay as the President of the United States, discuss how you would plan and implement legislation on one of the topics mentioned above to benefit our country in the coming year.

Model Essay

America is said to be the land of freedom, hope, and promise. But lately all of the principles and ethics the founding fathers built the country on have seem to disappear over time. As Americans we have lost our way and detoured from the great American plan that was set up for us by our founders. They brought America from the impressments of Britain, through the struggles of freedom, and made our great nation what it is today. Like them we must not lose hope, and press forward for the future America. The future America is up to us to determine and we need to make the right decisions now that will put us in the position we want. It's time again to make history and make the decisions that our posterity will be learning about in history books. Let's make that America the same land of freedom and hope that we now enjoy. We can only do this by settling the great debate of health care right now so that the future America will still be standing tall and proud. Although there are many saying Universal health care is bad and not right for the American people, it will get us out of debt and is the only way America can continue to prosper and be the land of the great.

The United States has the largest dollar amount per person cost than any other country in the world. The United States is also the only developed country that lets insurance companies profit from basic health coverage (Reid, 2009). Why are we giving our money to insurance companies to run our health care when half the people aren't covered by any insurance's at all? Insurance companies are only there to make money and don't have America's best interest at heart. They continually deny coverage to American's and most of the health care costs come back as no covered by their policies. Who are they to define what care should be covered and what care shouldn't? As American's we must not put our money or trust into these companies to give us the best care available. We need a government owned and funded program that will insure everyone, and give all American's the care they deserve and are entitled to. This will also decrease individual debt, and allow America to get the care they need or deserve despite money or what their insurance companies say. With everything already paid for, Americans can focus on the things that are important in life, and become less stressed. So my health care plan is a universal plan that will eliminate the middle man and have one organization for our nation. Through this we can clear things up, and get everything organized and running efficiently.

Next, with the amount of our budget that is going to health care you would think we would have the finest health care in the world. This is a myth. The United States is actually number 37 when it comes to health care. Given our remarkable assets-the best-educated doctors and nurses, the most advanced hospitals,

world-class research-the United States could be, and should be, the best in the world (Reid, 2009). So this raises the question, why aren't we the best in the world? This is because even though we have all those assets, we still have almost half the nation's population that is not insured or getting the health care they need. Only the people who can pay premiums, are perfectly healthy, and have insurance are the ones getting care. As American's we are all entitled to the best care and equal care for everyone. Just because you don't have insurance or can't afford premiums does not mean you should still not have health care as well. Those are the ones that need care the most, and were just turning our backs on them. That's not what America was founded on, and not what we should be teaching our children. Everyone should get equal treatment and not be turned away from care they need. This is another reason why Universal Health care is the best choice for America, and will give everyone an equal opportunity to receive care and always have health care there and readily available for them when they need it. And with health care taken care of, Americans may devote their time and energy to something more important than stressing about medical bills. This plan will reduce our high tense atmosphere around us and enable us to succeed and press forward with a new found energy and frame of mind.

Finally, through this plan of Universal Health Care all Americans can live the life's they were meant to, and we can become the great nation our founding fathers imagined us to be. Getting rid of all the private insurance companies will eliminate confusion, and give everyone one, and only one, model of health care. Just like the other countries around the world, taxes will have to be implemented in order to fund this plan. But taxes' going up is a much better alternative than dying, and thousands left not cared for. With the better overall health of the American people, less money will be spent towards health care and we can use that money to make America a better and stronger nation. Also the American people will be putting less towards health care, and therefore have more than enough money to go towards the new taxes. We will be increasing taxes only for a short while to get the program started, and then after that the results should out shine the rise in taxes. Through this universal health care plan we can transform the American people from death and disease to life and energy. A Universal health care plan is the best thing for the United States right now, and a needed step to take on the road to recovery. We cannot fully recover our nation from this economic devastation until we unite under this health care plan and get rid of payments. So basically we will be modeling England's health care plan, and the way they do things. Their system has been working for hundreds of years and is a good model for us to look to. This American people need a change, and this model will give them that change and make their life's better.

Although there are many saying Universal health care is bad and not right for the American people, it will get us out of debt and is the only way America can continue to prosper and be the land of the great.

Through Universal health care we will be able to extend coverage to everyone who needs care. This will drastically reduce the number of diseases that are quickly over taking America. Right now America is seen to have bad health and it's only getting worse. With universal health care we can better the health of America and turn our country around. We then will be on a course towards prosperity, and long lives instead of letting bad health run our lives. As American's we should have the best care available and be a land of freedom. The only way to transform America back into the land the founding fathers imagined for us is to settle the health care debate once and for all. We must implement the universal health care plan now before it's too late and our future generations are affected by our pour choice. It's up to us to make America free again, and to end this debate. Americans are said to have the finest lifestyles and care available for them. Let's make this a reality and give the American people what they deserve.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience. He/she effectively completes all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task. Notably, the writer leaves readers with a clear picture of how new health care legislation will benefit the country in the coming year.

The essay’s introduction grabs the readers’ attention very effectively. (“America is said to be the land of freedom, hope, and promise. But lately all of the principles and ethics the founding fathers built the country

on have seem to disappear over time. As Americans we have lost our way and detoured from the great American plan that was set up for us by our founders. They brought America from the impressments of Britain, through the struggles of freedom, and made our great nation what it is today. Like them we must not lose hope, and press forward for the future America. The future America is up to us to determine and we need to make the right decisions now that will put us in the position we want.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. (“The United States has the largest dollar amount per person cost than any other country in the world. The United States is also the only developed country that lets insurance companies profit from basic health coverage (Reid, 2009). Why are we giving our money to insurance companies to run our health care when half the people aren't covered by any insurance's at all? Insurance companies are only there to make money and don't have America's best interest at heart. They continually deny coverage to American's and most of the health care costs come back as no covered by their policies. Who are they to define what care should be covered and what care shouldn't? As American's we must not put our money or trust into these companies to give us the best care available.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“We can only do this by settling the great debate of health care right now so that the future America will still be standing tall and proud. Although there are many saying Universal health care is bad and not right for the American people, it will get us out of debt and is the only way America can continue to prosper and be the land of the great.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully, using a wide variety of appropriate details for support.

Relevant points very effectively explain and illustrate how a change in the health care system will greatly benefit the country. (“As American's we must not put our money or trust into these companies to give us the best care available. We need a government owned and funded program that will insure everyone, and give all American's the care they deserve and are entitled to. This will also decrease individual debt, and allow America to get the care they need or deserve despite money or what their insurance companies say. With everything already paid for, Americans can focus on the things that are important in life, and become less stressed. So my health care plan is a universal plan that will eliminate the middle man and have one organization for our nation. Through this we can clear things up, and get everything organized and running efficiently.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (“Finally, through this plan of Universal Health Care all Americans can live the life's they were meant to, and we can become the great nation our founding fathers imagined us to be. Getting rid of all the private insurance companies will eliminate confusion, and give everyone one, and only one, model of health care. Just like the other countries around the world, taxes will have to be implemented in order to fund this plan. But taxes' going up is a much better alternative than dying, and thousands left not cared for. With the better overall health of the American people, less money will be spent towards health care and we can use that money to make America a better and stronger nation.”)

Specific information about the current health care system is developed very effectively. (“Next, with the amount of our budget that is going to health care you would think we would have the finest health care in the world. This is a myth. The United States is actually number 37 when it comes to health care. Given our remarkable assets-the best-educated doctors and nurses, the most advanced hospitals, world-class research- the United States could be, and should be, the best in the world (Reid, 2009). So this raises the question, why aren't we the best in the world? This is because even though we have all those assets, we still have almost half the nation's population that is not insured or getting the health care they need. Only the people who can pay premiums, are perfectly healthy, and have insurance are the ones getting care. As American's we are all entitled to the best care and equal care for everyone.”)

Organization

The organization is very effective. The writer demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. There is effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout.

The writer effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction by illustrating what America stands for. (“America is said to be the land of freedom, hope, and promise. But lately all of the principles and ethics the founding fathers built the country on have seem to disappear over time. As Americans we have lost our way and detoured from the great American plan that was set up for us by our founders.”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect ideas between paragraphs and sentences. (“Although there are many saying Universal health care is bad and not right for the American people, it will get us out of debt and is the only way America can continue to prosper and be the land of the great. Through Universal health care we will be able to extend coverage to everyone who needs care.”)

The writer includes an ending that sums up why a change in the current health care system will benefit the country, and it also provides readers with a sense of closure. (“The only way to transform America back into the land the founding fathers imagined for us is to settle the health care debate once and for all. We must implement the universal health care plan now before it's too late and our future generations are affected by our pour choice. It's up to us to make America free again, and to end this debate. Americans are said to have the finest lifestyles and care available for them. Let's make this a reality and give the American people what they deserve.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is very effective. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choices, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences

adds to the effectiveness of the writer’s response.

The writer chooses descriptive words to effectively describe the importance of changing the health care system in America. (“We need a government owned and funded program that will insure everyone, and give all American's the care they deserve and are entitled to. This will also decrease individual debt, and allow America to get the care they need or deserve despite money or what their insurance companies say. With everything already paid for, Americans can focus on the things that are important in life, and become less stressed. So my health care plan is a universal plan that will eliminate the middle man and have one organization for our nation.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“The United States has the largest dollar amount per person cost than any other country in the world. The United States is also the only developed country that lets insurance companies profit from basic health coverage (Reid, 2009). Why are we giving our money to insurance companies to run our health care when half the people aren't covered by any insurance's at all? Insurance companies are only there to make money and don't have America's best interest at heart. They continually deny coverage to American's and most of the health care costs come back as no covered by their policies. Who are they to define what care should be covered and what care shouldn't? As American's we must not put our money or trust into these companies to give us the best care available.”)

The writer demonstrates use of strong voice throughout the response. (“Through this universal health care plan we can transform the American people from death and disease to life and energy. A Universal health care plan is the best thing for the United States right now, and a needed step to take on the road to recovery. We cannot fully recover our nation from this economic devastation until we unite under this health care plan and get rid of payments. So basically we will be modeling England's health care plan, and the way they do things. Their system has been working for hundreds of years and is a good model for us to look to.

This American people need a change, and this model will give them that change and make their life's better.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“Next, with the amount of our budget that is going to health care you would think we would have the finest health care in the world. This is a myth. The United States is actually number 37 when it comes to health care. Given our remarkable assets-the best-educated doctors and nurses, the most advanced hospitals, world-class research-the United States could be, and should be, the best in the world (Reid, 2009). So this raises the question, why aren't we the best in the world? This is because even though we have all those assets, we still have almost half the nation's population that is not insured or getting the health care they need. Only the people who can pay premiums, are perfectly healthy, and have insurance are the ones getting care.”)

Model Essay

Good afternoon Congressmen. My name is Jane Smith, the newest president of our great nation. It is an honor to be called Mrs. President, and have the opportunity to lead our fine country. It is my goal to serve the United States of America to the best of my ability, with the people in mind.

These last four years have been filled with good and bad. Our last president did his best to serve our country, and in many ways he did improve our lives and our country. But even still, there are many important and crucial issues facing us today. Our economy, national security, and foreign relations just to name a few. But I believe that the most influential decision that we as a nation must face is the matter of education. Education is important in all aspects of life. Without education, the people of the United States would not be able to prosper and grow as they have been able to in the past. When educated people are given jobs, they shall work to the best of their ability to complete the task given to them. Education inspires thinkers and inventors to create new products that improve our everyday lives. When the people of America are educated, more jobs are opened to them, reducing the percentage of the population who are unemployed. More jobs in America for Americans will lead to increased production, resulting in the growth of our economy. Without educated people, our nation would not be able to function and expand, making it more difficult for us to better ourselves. Education influences everything our country faces, and we would be unwise to overlook it.

Although many people agree that education is a priority, some argue over what actually should be considered "education". Should each student be required to take certain classes? Should Fine Arts be included in school programs? I believe that the answer to both of these questions is a definite yes. Each student should be required to participate in certain classes and subjects that are necessary for later life. Subjects like Math, English, Science, and Social Studies are all significant in later years. Although I do believe that each student should attend an elective class of their choice, every child should gain knowledge of these core classes to have a greater chance for success. Likewise, I believe that every student should be required to attend at least one elective class. When students are allowed to participate in a class they have chosen, they will be more likely to strive to do their best because they like the subject they have chosen.

Classes like Chorus, Drama, Art, Physical Education, and Early Childhood are all great examples of elective classes. Taking part in these subjects increases creativity and happiness within students. Plus, having these classes available will increase the population of the student body, for kids will have something to look forward to each day.

Lastly, I believe that education and the opportunity to better yourself should be available to everyone. That is why I propose that we create a plan that will help financially challenged children attend school. I ask that we take a certain percentage of our national taxes and put them towards bettering the schools and colleges. We shall create organizations that provide school materials, clothes, and lunches for the less fortunate so that they may attend a school or university. Our nation stands for Unity, and if we wish for all men to truly be equal, we must provide opportunities for everyone.

The American Dream is just as real now as it was when this great nation was first formed. The idea of hard work and motivation leading to a better life and a better world is still possible, if we all work towards it. All men are created equal, we all believe that. Let us prove it by working towards a better future for generations to come, a better world, and a better America. Thank you.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay’s introduction grabs the readers’ attention. (“Good afternoon Congressmen. My name is Jane Smith, the newest president of our great nation. It is an honor to be called Mrs. President, and have the opportunity to lead our fine country. It is my goal to serve the United States of America to the best of my ability, with the people in mind.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. (“When the people of America are educated, more jobs are opened to them, reducing the percentage of the population who are unemployed. More jobs in America for Americans will lead to increased production, resulting in the growth of our economy. Without educated people, our nation would not be able to function and expand, making it more difficult for us to better ourselves. Education influences everything our country faces, and we would be unwise to overlook it.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very well. (“Our economy, national security, and foreign relations just to name a few. But I believe that the most influential decision that we as a nation must face is the matter of education. Education is important in all aspects of life. Without education, the people of the United States would not be able to prosper and grow as they have been able to in the past. When educated people are given jobs, they shall work to the best of their ability to complete the task given to them.

Education inspires thinkers and inventors to create new products that improve our everyday lives.”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient and appropriate details for support.

The content in the body of the paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain the main idea.

(“Although many people agree that education is a priority, some argue over what actually should be considered ‘education’. Should each student be required to take certain classes? Should Fine Arts be

included in school programs? I believe that the answer to both of these questions is a definite yes. Each student should be required to participate in certain classes and subjects that are necessary for later life. Subjects like Math, English, Science, and Social Studies are all significant in later years. Although I do believe that each student should attend an elective class of their choice, every child should gain knowledge of these core classes to have a greater chance for success.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea in the topic sentence.

(“These last four years have been filled with good and bad. Our last president did his best to serve our country, and in many ways he did improve our lives and our country. But even still, there are many important and crucial issues facing us today. Our economy, national security, and foreign relations just to

name a few. But I believe that the most influential decision that we as a nation must face is the matter of education. Education is important in all aspects of life. Without education, the people of the United States would not be able to prosper and grow as they have been able to in the past.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“Lastly, I believe that education and the opportunity to better yourself should be available to everyone. That is why I propose that we create a plan that will help financially challenged children attend school. I ask that we take a certain percentage of our national taxes and put them towards bettering the schools and colleges. We shall create organizations that provide school materials, clothes, and lunches for the less fortunate so that they may attend a school or university. Our nation stands for Unity, and if we wish for all men to truly be equal, we must provide opportunities for everyone.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates an effective introduction. (“Good afternoon Congressmen. My name is Jane Smith, the newest president of our great nation. It is an honor to be called Mrs. President, and have the opportunity to lead our fine country. It is my goal to serve the United States of America to the best of my ability, with the people in mind.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or sentences are used well. (“Without educated people, our nation would not be able to function and expand, making it more difficult for us to better ourselves. Education influences everything our country faces, and we would be unwise to overlook it. …Although many people agree that education is a priority, some argue over what actually should be considered "education".”)

The essay’s conclusion provides the readers with closure by stressing the importance of making America better through education. (“The American Dream is just as real now as it was when this great nation was first formed. The idea of hard work and motivation leading to a better life and a better world is still possible, if we all work towards it. All men are created equal, we all believe that. Let us prove it by working towards a better future for generations to come, a better world, and a better America. Thank you.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good language use, voice, and style throughout the essay. He/she demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, good voice, and a clear sense of audience. Additionally, the writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety.

The language and tone are consistent. (“These last four years have been filled with good and bad. Our last president did his best to serve our country, and in many ways he did improve our lives and our country. But even still, there are many important and crucial issues facing us today. Our economy, national security, and foreign relations just to name a few. But I believe that the most influential decision that we as a nation must face is the matter of education. Education is important in all aspects of life. Without education, the people of the United States would not be able to prosper and grow as they have been able to in the past.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the essay. (“When the people of America are educated, more jobs are opened to them, reducing the percentage of the population who are unemployed. More jobs in America for Americans will lead to increased production, resulting in the growth of our economy. Without educated people, our nation would not be able to function and expand, making it more difficult for us to better ourselves. Education influences everything our country faces, and we would be unwise to overlook it.”)

The writer employs good word choices to describe the importance of educating America. (“Lastly, I believe that education and the opportunity to better yourself should be available to everyone. That is why I propose that we create a plan that will help financially challenged children attend school. I ask that we take a certain percentage of our national taxes and put them towards bettering the schools and colleges.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“When students are allowed to participate in a class they have chosen, they will be more likely to strive to do their best because they like the subject they have chosen. Classes like Chorus, Drama, Art, Physical Education, and Early Childhood are all great examples of elective classes. Taking part in these subjects increases creativity and happiness within students. Plus, having these classes available will increase the population of the student body, for kids will have something to look forward to each day.”)

Model Essay

A huge issue facing our country today is education. We need to help our government-funded schools in a huge way. Some schools need more help than others, and I am willing to help those school achieve the success that I believe schools should have. Our children are our future, and if they are not receiving a proper education then there is no hope for our future. It is painful to see bright kids not being put to their full potential. I, as your next president of the United States, will strive my hardest and will put myself to my limits to see our descendants flourish.

To enforce good education, I will increase taxes designed especially for schooling on specific items. These items would be necessary for living. This would enforce the importance of school. It's a sad thing to see some states flourish with successful public schooling systems while others are struggling.

It's hard to hear about violence with these young teens in high school. I will make sure that monitors are set in up school that have had violence prior to my election. Although some schools already have metal detectors, I believe that every school should be equipped with more than decent security. Violence should never be present in a school area, especially around kids. This behavior is unacceptable, and if kids do bring weapons to school, they will be immediately submitted to counseling.

Some conditions of public schools are outdated, so I will try my hardest to create a building project for every school that is necessary of change. Along with being outdated, school books can also be outdated in many occasions. New books and supplies will be purchased to ensure that the kids are being taught the newest material. There should be no reason for why some children should be taught newer information while others are still being taught old. To make sure that this will happen, I will send agents out to the schools throughout the year to do checkups on the teachers, materials, and school area.

There are also problems with the correct nutrition. Schools should sell the right kinds of food, not just food from one food group. Full salad bars would be fabulous, along with lots of water and fruit drinks instead of soda. Healthy eating ways should be rewarded and encouraged with posters instead of the stereotypical "gross" with a food label that comes along with eating healthy.

If we do all of these things to improve public schooling systems, we would all flourish. People should try encouraging the growth of schools and the kids well being.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The thesis statement presents the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view of the writer

adequately. (“Our children are our future, and if they are not receiving a proper education then there is no hope for our future. It is painful to see bright kids not being put to their full potential. I, as your next president of the United States, will strive my hardest and will put myself to my limits to see our

descendants flourish.”)

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The essay is devoted to informing the readers

about the importance of education. (“To enforce good education, I will increase taxes designed especially for schooling on specific items. These items would be necessary for living. This would enforce the importance of school. It's a sad thing to see some states flourish with successful public schooling systems while others are struggling.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“There are also problems with the correct nutrition. Schools should sell the right kinds of food, not just food from one food group. Full salad bars would be fabulous, along with lots of water and fruit drinks instead of soda. Healthy eating ways should be rewarded and encouraged with posters instead of the

stereotypical ‘gross’ with a food label that comes along with eating healthy.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support.

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“It's hard to hear about violence with these young teens in high school. I will make sure that monitors are set in up school that have had violence prior to my election. Although some schools already have metal detectors, I believe that every school should be equipped with more than decent security. Violence should never be present in a school area, especially around kids. This behavior is unacceptable, and if kids do bring weapons to school, they will be

immediately submitted to counseling.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“Some conditions of public schools are outdated, so I will try my hardest to create a building project for every school that is necessary of change. Along with being outdated, school books can also be outdated in many occasions. New books and supplies will be purchased to ensure that the kids are being taught the newest material. There should be no reason for why some children should be taught newer information while

others are still being taught old.”) Providing more specific details would enhance the writer’s descriptions of how improvements in education would greatly benefit our country.

The writer provides anecdotal examples that are relevant. (“There are also problems with the correct nutrition. Schools should sell the right kinds of food, not just food from one food group. Full salad bars would be fabulous, along with lots of water and fruit drinks instead of soda. Healthy eating ways should be rewarded and encouraged with posters instead of the stereotypical ‘gross’ with a food label that comes

along with eating healthy.”)

Organization

There is adequate organization in the essay. The writer provides an interesting opening to the response that keeps the readers reading. The essay generally flows smoothly from one idea to another with subtle transitions to support sequential development.

The beginning of the essay demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by directly stating the issue at hand. (“A huge issue facing our country today is education. We need to help our government-funded schools in a huge way.”)

Subtle transitions are used to connect ideas. (“Although some schools already have metal detectors, I believe that every school should be equipped with more than decent security. Violence should never be present in a school area, especially around kids.”) The writer should incorporate more transitions to connect the ideas in a more meaningful way.

something to think about. (“If we do all of these things to improve public schooling systems, we would all flourish. People should try encouraging the growth of schools and the kids well being.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“Some conditions of public schools are outdated, so I will try my hardest to create a building project for every school that is necessary of change. Along with being outdated, school books can also be outdated in many occasions. New books and supplies will be purchased to ensure that the kids are being taught the newest material.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the response. He/she provides language that adequately describes the importance of improving education to the intended audience. (“To enforce good education, I will increase taxes designed especially for schooling on specific items. These items would be necessary for living. This would enforce the importance of school. It's a sad thing to see some states

flourish with successful public schooling systems while others are struggling.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the essay. (“New books and supplies will be purchased to ensure that the kids are being taught the newest material. There should be no reason for why some children should be taught newer information while others are still being taught old. To make sure that this will happen, I will send agents out to the schools throughout the year to do checkups on the teachers, materials, and school area.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

being.”)

Model Essay

Dear Congress,

It has come to my attention that our economic health is suffering. There is a large lack of medical personnel and hospital funding. There are also new viruses and diseases popping up all the time. Combine that with the frequent rise in obesity and we are in trouble. We need to worry more about finding cures for these new diseases and less about housing industry. We need to get our country healthy.

With all the new viruses and diseases, such as swine flu and cancer, America is suffering. Thousands of Americans die from flu and other illnesses every day. Some don't have the privilege of insurance and don't even bother to get treated. Then there are the ones who want to get better and have the resources to do so, but still die. The viruses are advancing and becoming smarter, we need to also.

There are also the millions of Americans who are obese. Over one third of America is obese. That number has raised nearly eighty percents in the last twenty years. Being obese is harmful to your health. It causes diabetes, bad joints, and even death. We need to take a stand and make a change. Studies show you are much more likely to be obese as an adult if you have bad habits as a child. We need to get our children active and healthy. They are our future.

We need to focus our time, energy, and recourses not on global warming, but on our health and the health of our nation. Don't get me wrong, global warming is an important issue, but if we aren't around or can't get out of bed to enjoy earth it wouldn't matter. We need to focus on our health and the health of our youth. Without health we are nothing. A wise man once said, "You are only as good as your weakest link!" I completely agree. Illnesses spread quickly. We need to act fast.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the essay. The writer establishes a limited controlling idea and demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she provides limited

descriptions and details that may not give the readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Only some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The essay reveals the controlling idea in a very limited way. (“There is a large lack of medical personnel and hospital funding. There are also new viruses and diseases popping up all the time. Combine that with the frequent rise in obesity and we are in trouble.”)

The writer’s focus is limited. The writer focuses on the new diseases and viruses but fails to address how our country needs to make improvements in health care legislation. (“With all the new viruses and diseases, such as swine flu and cancer, America is suffering. Thousands of Americans die from flu and other illnesses every day. Some don't have the privilege of insurance and don't even bother to get treated. Then there are the ones who want to get better and have the resources to do so, but still die. The viruses are advancing and becoming smarter, we need to also.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the essay and should include more meaningful examples to illustrate improving health care in the US. The writer should discuss how Americans would obtain better health care if they were able to address the issue of obesity. Doing so would help the readers picture the subject of the essay in their minds. (“There are also the millions of Americans who are obese. Over one third of America is obese. That number has raised nearly eighty percents in the last twenty years. Being obese is harmful to your health. It causes diabetes, bad joints, and even death. We need to take a stand and make a change.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The essay develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support.

The essay uses limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“With all the new viruses and diseases, such as swine flu and cancer, America is suffering. Thousands of Americans die from flu and other illnesses every day. Some don't have the privilege of insurance and don't even bother to get treated.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. (“There are also the millions of Americans who are obese. Over one third of America is obese. That number has raised nearly eighty percents in the last twenty years. Being obese is harmful to your health. It causes diabetes, bad joints, and even death.”)

The explanations and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“We need to take a stand and make a change. Studies show you are much more likely to be obese as an adult if you have bad habits as a child. We need to get our children active and healthy. They are our future.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a limited introduction. The writer discloses that our economic health is suffering, but with limited background information and descriptive details, the readers struggle to picture the

problems with health care in their minds. (“It has come to my attention that our economic health is suffering. There is a large lack of medical personnel and hospital funding. There are also new viruses and diseases popping up all the time. Combine that with the frequent rise in obesity and we are in trouble. We need to worry more about finding cures for these new diseases and less about housing industry. We need to get our country healthy.”)

Strong transitions between paragraphs and between sentences are needed to enhance the flow of the

writer’s ideas. (“There are also the millions of Americans who are obese. Over one third of America is obese. That number has raised nearly eighty percents in the last twenty years.”)

Although the conclusion of the essay provides the readers with a sense of closure, it does not summarize the main ideas or leave readers with something to think about. (“A wise man once said, ‘You are only as good as your weakest link!’ I completely agree. Illnesses spread quickly. We need to act fast.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited use of language, voice, and style. The essay reveals simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, the word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

Some sentences are short. (“Over one third of America is obese.”) The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the response more interesting to the intended audience.

Oftentimes, the writer uses the same group of words to begin sentences. (“We need to worry more about finding cures for these new diseases and less about housing industry. We need to get our country healthy.”)

The sentences are too informal, and the word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively

communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“I completely agree. Illnesses spread quickly. We need to act fast.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The control of mechanics and conventions is limited in the essay. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, begin each sentence with a capital letter, indicate new paragraphs with line breaks, check for the correct spelling of words, and ensure the proper usage of words within the context of sentences. (“There are also the millions of Americans who are obese. Over one third of America is obese. That number has raised nearly eighty percents in the last twenty years.”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

dear congress america is great already but there is a few things that need to be changed. this message will tell how i will change america for the better. the thing that has happened to america we have done it to ower selves. Our people are in trouble with finding jobs, heath care, and debt. I will discuss solutions for these three major problems. the solutions in this national statement where the best me and my staff could come up with.

jobs are one of the biggest problems in america. people of america struggle every day to fine jobs because the economy is in a difficalt situation. the down sizing of large buissness has left hundreds of thosands of people jobless. my solution for this problem would be to lend money to all of our cites to build new public places for the american people. this will give jobs to anyone in constrution and landscaping a job.

there are people and there children who have not been to the doctor in years because of no health care.I do know that the government taking too much taxes is a big problem to american people but we have to do what is best for the people.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes a vague controlling idea and demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. As a result, the writer completes few parts of the task.

The essay only minimally includes a central/controlling idea. (“I will discuss solutions for these three major problems. the solutions in this national statement where the best me and my staff could come up with.”) The writer misses the opportunity to elaborate on the specific improvements that will benefit the country. Providing more details at every turn in a response creates a richly textured message that gives the readers a clear picture of the specific legislation that is needed to benefit the country in the coming year.

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give the readers a true sense of what needs to be done to benefit the country. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“jobs are one of the biggest problems in america. people of america struggle every day to fine jobs because the economy is in a difficalt situation. the down sizing of large buissness has left hundreds of thosands of people jobless. my solution for this problem would be to lend money to all of our cites to build new public places for the american people.”)

The writer’s details are minimally developed. (“there are people and there children who have not been to the doctor in years because of no health care.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s thesis statement. (“jobs are one of the biggest problems in america. people of america struggle every day to fine jobs because the economy is in a difficalt situation. the down sizing of large buissness has left hundreds of thosands of people jobless. my solution for this problem would be to lend money to all of our cites to build new public places for the american people. this will give jobs to anyone in constrution and landscaping a job.”)

In the three-paragraph essay response, the writer does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“jobs are one of the biggest problems in america. people of america struggle every day to fine jobs

because the economy is in a difficalt situation. …there are people and there children who have not been to the doctor in years because of no health care.”)

implemented to improve the country. (“there are people and there children who have not been to the doctor in years because of no health care.I do know that the government taking too much taxes is a big problem to american people but we have to do what is best for the people.”)

Organization

The essay’s organization is minimal as well. The writer provides an opening that minimally reveals the purpose of the prompt task. The response lacks effective transitional devices and paragraphing.

Furthermore, the essay demonstrates little evidence of a strong ending.

The essay does not effectively grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“dear congress america is great already but there is a few things that need to be changed.”)

There is little evidence of transitional devices to help connect ideas. (“Our people are in trouble with finding jobs, heath care, and debt. I will discuss solutions for these three major problems. the solutions in this national statement where the best me and my staff could come up with.”)

The essay does little to include a strong conclusion. (“there are people and there children who have not been to the doctor in years because of no health care.I do know that the government taking too much taxes is a big problem to american people but we have to do what is best for the people.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentences are short and, in some cases, fragmented. (“this message will tell how i will change america for the better. the thing that has happened to america we have done it to ower selves. Our people are in trouble with finding jobs, heath care, and debt.”)

Exact words are missing, which can affect meaning. (“I do know that the government taking too much taxes is a big problem to american people but we have to do what is best for the people.”)

The writer relies on simple sentence structures and word choices. (“I will discuss solutions for these three major problems. the solutions in this national statement where the best me and my staff could come up with.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to organize and separate ideas. (“jobs are one of the biggest problems in america. people of america struggle every day to fine jobs because the economy is in a difficalt situation. the down sizing of large buissness has left hundreds of thosands of people jobless.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

As presideent These are things that need two be stop.The main thing is people need to stop drinking and driving,they also need to stop doing drugs because it is not good for your haret.

Heres a nother thing taht need to be stop.People need to stop being crulty to aniamale because they will changh there ways and they will run away and you will never see them agian it is bad enough they don'thave a home.

These is one of things that needs to be stop.People are abeusing there childrens thats how adult lose there child.kids need love put it like this if you where a child would'nt you want love?

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Focus and meaning are inadequate in the essay. The writer establishes little or no controlling idea and demonstrates little or no understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. The writer barely completes any parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“The main thing is people need to stop drinking and driving,they also need to stop doing drugs because it is not good for your haret.”)

The essay states a central/controlling idea but does not develop it adequately through examples and

descriptive details. (“Heres a nother thing taht need to be stop.People need to stop being crulty to aniamale because they will changh there ways and they will run away and you will never see them agian it is bad enough they don'thave a home.”)

The essay’s lack of specific details renders the writer’s message ineffective and incomplete. (“These is one of things that needs to be stop.People are abeusing there childrens thats how adult lose there child.kids need love put it like this if you where a child would'nt you want love?”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer neglects to develop ideas, using little or no details for support.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“As presideent These are things that need two be stop.The main thing is people need to stop drinking and driving,they also need to stop doing drugs because it is not good for your haret.”)

In the response, there are inadequate main ideas in body paragraphs. At least three main ideas should be included as evidence. (“The main thing is people need to stop drinking and driving,they also need to stop doing drugs because it is not good for your haret.”)

Details are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Details could include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations to bring the writer’s ideas to life. (“These is one of things that needs to be stop.People are abeusing there childrens thats how adult lose there child.kids need love put it like this if you where a child would'nt you want love?”)

Organization

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“As presideent These are things that need two be stop.”)

Transitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“Heres a nother thing taht need to be stop.People need to stop being crulty to aniamale because they will changh there ways and they will run away and you will never see them agian it is bad enough they don'thave a home.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“kids need love put it like this if you where a child would'nt you want love?”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s language use, voice, and style are inadequate. He/she demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences are short. (“These are things that need two be stop.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended

audience. (“These is one of things that needs to be stop.People are abeusing there childrens thats how adult lose there child.”)

The writer relies on simple sentences and word choices. (“The main thing is people need to stop drinking and driving,they also need to stop doing drugs because it is not good for your haret.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“People need to stop being crulty to aniamale because they will changh there ways and they will run away and you will never see them agian it is bad enough they don'thave a home.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

As the U.S. Presidential election season heats up, the voices of America's diverse citizenry cry out, expressing the people's needs, opinions, and visions for the future. In the midst of all these competing voices, the Presidential candidates have to carefully consider what they say in return. Imagine that you have the opportunity to speak privately to the candidate of your choice before he or she makes an important speech. What would you tell him or her to say to America?

In a multi-paragraph essay, discuss the advice you would give to a presidential candidate on a speech to be made to the American public. Include facts and details to support your discussion.

Model Essay

Since the creation of the United States of America, America has had many different presidents, 43 to be exact. The nation will soon have a new president, either Senator Barack Obama or Senator John McCain. Both have struggled, worked, and risked, and on November 4, 2008, only one will be chosen as the the president of the United States. Both candidates are trying to appeal to the citizens of the nation, get the electoral votes, and not give themselves a negative image. If I were to have the chance to speak to a candidate in private, and give him constructive criticism about his campaign before he makes an important speech I would choose to speak to Senator Barack Obama.

Senator Barack Obama does not come from a wealthy family and has been able to apply his studies and graduate from Columbia University with a B. A. He also graduated from Harvard University with a J. D. in 1991. I would tell Obama to use his struggles as an example for the American people. Most citizens can relate to times of hardship and stress, and this way they can find a way to relate with their future president. Relation to voters is something that a presidential candidate must possess in order to gain votes. Obama's mother had struggled hard to get him into the schools he got into, he should use this as well to relate to the hardships that many American families experience. The candidate also has a family of his own. I would use his family to express family values which many people find heart- warming in a presidential nominee. To sum it up, I would tell Obama to discuss hardships he has had throughout his life, and his family values in order to gain votes of working- class families.

Obama focuses mainly on issues of health care, economy, taxation, Iraq, and Energy. Most Americans have different opinions of these issues; I would advise Obama to appeal to the opinion that the majority of voters believe in. For example, many Americans would like to obtain health care that is affordable and can be obtained through his or her profession. Senator Obama believes that Americans should be allowed to purchase medicines from other developed countries if the drugs are safe and are lower than the price of the medicine in the United States. He also wants to create an insurance program for those who do not have an employer- provided health plan or cannot meet the standards or federal programs. These two opinions could greatly appeal to middle- class citizens who are struggling with finding affordable health care.

Another thing Barack Obama could say in his speech is his opinion on Iraq. The war in Iraq is a delicate subject and one that should be handled carefully. Many citizens that have loved- ones stationed in Iraq may not agree with things said about troops. Obama opposes the use of military forces in Iraq, and believes that the United States should only deploy troops at a pace of two brigades a month. These ideas would very much be in favor of those who want there to be a final peace in Iraq and have a family member stationed there to come back as soon as possible. Something else that Obama should focus on is taxation. Today, many Americans are fatigue from having to pay and worry about taxes. What they all really want to hear are the words "lower taxes." If Obama could express in any way that he wants to put more money in the pockets of Americans, he would right then and there get a large amount of votes. He proposes a "making work pay" tax credit of up to five hundred dollars per person, or one thousand dollars per working family. This idea of putting extra money in the people's pockets would appeal to families that are struggling with

financial difficulties. The main thing I would tell Obama to do in his speech when discussing the issues is keep the opinion where the majority of voters stand, this way, he would be able to gain more votes than his opponent.

Every speech a candidate gives must be written well and spoken in a way that most people find intelligent and focused in on the issue or idea. Obama has written many beautiful and assertive speeches in the time he has been running for president of the United States. Some examples of these works of literature are: The Democratic Victory Speech, 'Just another George Bush,' 'We Closed the Gap,' and the 'Yes, We Can Change' speech. One thing that Obama does well is knowing when should give credit to opponent and when he should criticize his rival. For example, when delivering his democratic victory speech, Obama stated, "John McCain, a man who served this country heroically. I honor- we honor- the service of John McCain, and I respect his accomplishments, even if he chooses to deny mine. My differences with him are not personal; they are with the policies he has proposed in this campaign." When he stated this, he showed that he has respect for his candidate and intends to run a clean race. This shows many voters that he can be a merciful, kind, and gentle leader if he is chosen as one. Something else he did was using the term "we," which shows that Obama considers the people of America a unified nation, and he is not superior to any man. In his speech, 'Just Another George Bush,' Obama describes how his opponent, Senator John McCain, agrees with president George Bush, whom many citizens were and are still unhappy with. By comparing his opponent to a political figure whom people did not favor, he can get numerous voters to turn away from the other candidate and vote for him instead. One thing I would tell Obama to change in his speeches is how he starts off many times describing some certain time period in history. For example, when Obama had spoken about race, he began with, "Two hundred and twenty one years ago, in a hall that still stands across the street, a group of men gathered and, with these simple words, launched America's improbable experiment in democracy." In my opinion, it is very good to use historical details when writing a speech.

But if he uses it too frequently, voters may become bored of what he says, and lose interest in his opinions. If a voter loses interest in a candidate, that can cost the candidate a vote. And when it gets to the point where thousands of people lose interest that could make a very big difference when the time to go to the polls comes.

To reiterate, if I would be given the chance to speak to a presidential candidate of my choice before he gives an important speech, I would choose Senator Barack Obama. I would tell him to stay appealing to the general public and the opinion that has the majority of voters agreeing with it. He must also remember to battle with his opponent in an appropriate manner, which he does, and also give respect and honor to his candidate when he deserves it. Obama must also try to relate more with voters in order to make sure there is a connection between him and the citizens if he is chosen as the next president. One last word of advice I would give Senator Obama is to keep in mind that every vote counts. Most people do not wish to vote because they think that his or her vote will not make any difference when it comes time to go to the polls. But the truth is, if all the voters decided that their vote will not matter when it comes to the ultimate decision, then the outcome that he or she expected may not be as planned.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea, demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, completes all parts of the task, and may even go beyond the limits of the task. The essay grabs the readers’ attention by very effectively using an interesting statement, a question, or an engaging statement at the beginning of the introduction. The author begins the essay by providing very detailed background information about the topic being discussed, the 2008 presidential election. The author then goes on to choose a candidate and provide advice for that candidate. The author stays on topic throughout the entire essay and avoids providing irrelevant information. The language fits the examples appropriately. When the author uses abstract ideas and concepts, they always relate back to the main idea. The thesis is direct and clear. (“If I were to have the chance to speak to a candidate in private, and give him constructive criticism about his

campaign before he makes an important speech I would choose to speak to Senator Barack Obama.”)

Content & Development

The essay develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details to support ideas. The essay’s relevant points explain and illustrate very effectively. The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain the paragraph’s main idea. The details that are included in each paragraph very effectively develop the main idea of the topic sentence. The essay includes facts and statistics, examples, facts, brief narratives, explanations, or people's actual words or quotes. Essays at this level provide a large amount of information. Each essay should include no fewer than three points, with many facts supporting each point. (“This shows many voters that he can be a merciful, kind, and gentle leader if he is chosen as one. Something else he did their was using the term "we," which shows that Obama

considers the people of America a unified nation, and he is no more superior than any man.”)

Organization

sentences are used very effectively. Although the author provides several large paragraphs to support each idea, the information provided always relates back to the main idea of that paragraph. The conclusion very effectively connects the information in the essay with something that is happening in the world. In this case, the author attempts to provide readers with something to think about with regards to the upcoming election. This particular essay could use more paragraph breaks to help separate ideas, but the amount of content provided makes up for deficiencies in this area. (“Most people do not wish to vote because they think that his or her vote will not make any difference when it comes time to go to the polls. But the truth is, if all the voters decided that their vote will not matter when it comes to the ultimate decision, then the outcome that he or she expected may not be as planned.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, a clear sense of audience, and uses well-structured and varied sentences. The language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. Compound, complex, and compound-complex sentences are used correctly in this essay. Essays at this level should show a significant degree of sophistication. Often, the words the author chooses promote subtly in the responses, instead of more direct or blunt language. (“The candidate also has a family of his own. I would use his family to express family values which many people find heart- warming in a presidential nominee. To sum

it up, I would tell Obama to discuss hardships he has had throughout his life, and his family values in order to gain votes of working- class families.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay uses very effective control of conventions and mechanics. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence is indented when beginning a new paragraph, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. Essays at this level rarely make errors in mechanics and conventions, but there may occasionally be minor mistakes that do not impede meaning. (“The war in Iraq is a delicate subject and one that should be handled carefully. Many citizens that have loved- ones stationed in Iraq may not agree with things said about troops.”)

Model Essay

There are many ways to lose a presidential election. Often times, they outnumber the ways that you can win. If you make the smallest misstep, a single wrong move then you may have doomed yourself, and that spot in the oval office will go to your contender. If there is one piece of advice that I can give that might very well bring you success it would be to listen to the people who you represent, for they truly are what make up the country. Tell the citizens of the United States that you will do everything in your power to make their dreams a reality, so long as they are not outrageous.

One must understand why you should listen to the people of our country and their concerns: the people make up all of our country. They are our workers, our doctors, our lawyers, our soldiers, our students, our infrastructure, our backbone. The children of today are the citizens of tomorrow. As an elected official, you have been chosen to represent the people; to administer to their needs and to be their voice to the rest of the political world. They are looking to you to see them through when they are affected by the government's decisions.

As such, the people can hold quite a sway over your office. If you can appease the majority of them through relevant decisions and plausible doctrines then you will have their support for years to come, preferably so that you can guide the country once more and realize their ambitions and dreams. If you fail to gain their support because you have chosen petty issues over the ones that truly matter, then your chances of being our leader may have already slimmed.

Your desire to enter office, though, should not overcome your desire to change. Better to be truthful and defeated, I say, than to be victorious yet playing a balancing act. You should always stay true to your own principles. If these principles are the same as those of the people, then you might as well be guaranteed the office. If your own principles and the principles of the people do not match up, do not change yours to fit theirs. You are what you are, and any deviance from this can make you a liar, which counts as a considerable misstep in the political world. It also does not look too good on paper for your administration.

Do not let the people bully you, though. Despite the importance of their needs over yours do not let any of their needs contradict what this country was founded for in the first place. You will not always be able to satisfy every one of your voters, as past elections are testimony to. Do not accept as your policy anything that might very well do harm to this country and damage its name and reputation to the rest of the world.

To sum up what I have said, stay true to what you believe in. Listen to what your supporters and your people have to say; make their visions a reality. Do not betray your own standing based on other peoples opinions and do nothing that would harm this country. If you follow these guidelines then even if the fight turns sour for you, at least you will remain the honest person.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay uses good focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience and completes most parts of the task. Not all essays for this prompt choose a specific person to advise. Many of them simply provide general information to candidates in general, such as in this essay. Essays at this level still provide only relevant information and consistently provide information that relates back to the thesis. Occasionally, authors may provide information that is only tangentially related to the main topic, but the vast majority of the content is on topic and relevant. Essays at this level will often (but not always) provide a creative introduction.

Authors may ask a provocative question, give background information, or tell an interesting story. (“There are many ways to lose a presidential election. Often times, they outnumber the ways that you can win. If you make the smallest misstep, a single wrong move then you may have doomed yourself, and that spot in the oval office will go to your contender.”)

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient, appropriate details to support ideas. Supporting details develop the example well. The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain the paragraph’s main idea. The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. Details explain and illustrate each

main idea well. Specific information relating to the topic is developed clearly and directly. The author’s arguments are consistently backed up by relevant details. Some paragraphs at this level may be shorter

than others, but most of the subtopics have many supporting details. (“If these principles are the same as those of the people, then you might as well be guaranteed the office. If your own principles and the principles of the people do not match up, do not change yours to fit theirs. You are what you are, and any deviance from this can make you a liar, which counts as a considerable misstep in the political world.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and consistent use of transitional devices. The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. The essay demonstrates an effective introduction overall with a good thesis statement. Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. The conclusion effectively attempts to conclude the arguments presented and teach readers a lesson about the hazards of the political world. Also, while brief, the conclusion does effectively sum up the main ideas of the essay. Each paragraph has a topic sentence that is expanded upon with additional details. Essays at this level should always use paragraph breaks, but may occasionally lack clarity in how ideas are otherwise presented, but usually the meaning is clear and effective. (“As such, the people can hold quite a sway over your office. If you can appease the majority of them through relevant decisions and plausible doctrines then you will have their support for years to come, preferably so that you can guide the country once more and realize their ambitions and dreams.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice, a clear sense of audience, and uses well-structured sentences with some variety. The language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. This essay does have some awkward language use on occasion, but there is a substantive amount of sophisticated language used to make up for those errors. Essays at this level may have small mistakes or awkward sentences, but they will rarely, if ever, have fragmented sentences. These minor mistakes do not impede meaning. (“Your desire to enter office, though, should not overcome your desire to change. Better to be truthful and defeated, I say, than to be victorious yet playing a balancing act. You should always stay true to your own principles. If these principles are the same as those of the people, then you might as well be guaranteed the office.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay uses good control of conventions and mechanics. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, most sentences have a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and most sentences begin with a capital letter. Essays at this level may have some minor errors in mechanics and punctuation, but the vast majority of the content is correct. Mistakes are usually limited to typos and never impede meaning. (“Listen to what your supporters and your people have to say; make their visions a reality. Do not betray your own standing based on other peoples opinions and do nothing that would harm this country. If you follow these guidelines then even if the fight turns sour for you, at least you will

remain the honest person.”)

Model Essay

As the presidential election starts up in 2008, America's citizens express people's opinions, needs and visions for the future. The presidential candidates have to carefully watch what they say in return. If I could speak privately with a candidate of my choice before he or she makes an important speech I would give him or her advice on what to say to America.

If I could talk privately to a candidate of the 2008 election, I would tell the candidate to have a good personality. If he or she is shy, or mean, people would get a bad expression on him or her. So, I would tell him or her to be nice, and have a sense of humor. I would tell him or her to be creative and talk about good ideas. Most importantly I would tell him or her to be their self.

Another thing I would tell mention to him or her to talk about the war in Iraq. Problems people are facing are the prices of things. Because we are shipping so much oil to Iraq, we don't have any here for gas. The prices of gasoline and oil are very high. Making these prices high means all the other prices for everything else has to go up too. This includes clothes and food. I would tell the candidate to lower these prices so people don't have to worry about money.

I would also talk to the candidate about woman's rights in Saudi Arabia. The woman has really no rights. They don't get to pick they're husband or wife, they're parents get to do that for them. They don't get to even see them until the day of they're engagement. Another thing they can't do is show they're face to any man, except if they are related in some way. They have to wear all black with that black covering all they're body except for their hands and feet. The women in Saudi Arabia are treated very unfairly and we should help this problem in some way.

A third thing I would tell the candidate to talk about is the drugs and alcohol addiction problem. Under age kids and teens are drinking and doing drugs already. I would tell the candidate to think of a problem to help solve this. It may be had, but this problem should be discussed.

If I could speak privately with a candidate of my choice before he or she makes an important speech I would tell him to show America how great of a country it is. America is a great country and someone should show us that this is true!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea and demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience and completes many parts of the task. The author provides some background information to help introduce the topic. The thesis is very simple and does not mention the ideas that are going to be presented in the essay, but it is adequately presented. Essays at this level may occasionally have information that is only tangentially related to the topic, but the vast majority of the facts presented relate to the thesis. The writer understands the intended audience adequately and the writing style is appropriate with little or no slang usage. In this essay, the writer wishes to discuss both domestic and international issues after the campaign. This discussion would be better if it were introduced as part of the introduction. (“As the presidential election starts up in 2008, America's citizens express people's opinions, needs and visions for the future. The presidential candidates have to carefully watch what they say in return. If I could speak privately with a candidate of my choice before he or she makes an important speech I would give him or her advice on what to say to America.”)

Content & Development

which, in turn, supports the thesis. Explanation used in the main ideas of the body paragraphs is adequate. Most essays at this level will have at least three details stated about each main idea. (“I would also talk to the candidate about woman's rights in Saudi Arabia. The woman has really no rights. They don't get to pick they're husband or wife, they're parents get to do that for them. They don't get to even see them until the day of they're engagement.”)

Organization

The essay uses adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, but there is inconsistent use of paragraphing and inconsistent use of transitional devices. Background information is adequately provided in the first paragraph. The thesis appears at the end of the first paragraph. From there, transitions are used to move between ideas. Better essays will have more subtle transitions, but many essays at this level tend to use very basic transitions such as first, second, third, and so on. The conclusion may or may not provide a summary of the ideas presented in the essay, but better essays tend to do so. The conclusion may give readers something to think about in the future or offer a call to action. At the high-school level, essays should include paragraphing in order to receive an adequate grade. (“If I could speak privately with a candidate of my choice before he or she makes an important speech I would tell him to show America how great of a country it is. America is a

great country and someone should show us that this is true!”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. Exact and specific words from the research and the prompt task are used adequately. Word choice may be poor on occasion. There are few exact/specific words related to the research. Language use is direct and simple, but adequate for a high-school-level essay. (“Under age kids and teens are drinking and doing drugs already. I would tell the candidate to think of a problem to help solve this. It may be had, but this problem should be discussed.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

begin with a capital letter. (“So, I would tell him or her to be nice, and have a sense of humor. I would tell him or her to be creative and talk about good ideas. Most importantly I would tell him or her to be their self.”)

Model Essay

If I was to give advice to the next president I would discuss the major problems that all Americans have questions and concerns about. I would tell this candidate to tell the American people about the problem of gas prices, minorities and illegal immigrants, and the issue of the genocide crisis of Darfur.

First, I would tell the president that not everybody is going to get appeased. Someone is going to be upset or unhappy with the decision of the president. I would tell him to do he thinks is right and to act on the issues that are concerning all average Americans. That is one of many hardships that presidents face, is appesement.

The second thing that I would tell the president would be to worry about the problems at home first and then clean up the problems that are outside of our country. I think that this country has a lot of problems and we need to fix those problms first, rather than create more problems overseas.

Thirdly, I would tell the president to act on Darfur. After WWII Americans said "never again." We haven't acted on the genocide so far. I would tell the president to help out the people in Darfur. Again the youth play a big part in modern day America. A lot of young kis want to help out the people in Darfur. Helping out Darfur would win a lot of votes because a lot of the new oters want to send some troops over to help.

If I was to have a conversation with the next presidet of America and give him/her my advice, I would tell him/her three things. I would tel him or her to do what he/she thought the right thing to do was and to act on the decision. I would tell him to worry about Americans at home. I would tell the president would be to move some troops to Darfur and stop the genocide. These are the three things I would tell the next president.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea, but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience and completes only some parts of the task. The essay has a weak thesis that establishes that the author wants to advise the president, but it is very brief, and does not provide any background information or clever attempts to get readers’ attention. The writing style is not always appropriate for the audience. Essays at this level may begin to provide irrelevant information. The essay may also stray into ideas that seem related, but do not help support the thesis. Generally, however, the essay stays on topic. (“If I was to give advice to the next president I would discuss the major problems that all Americans have questions and concerns about. I would tell this candidate to tell the American people about the problem of gas prices, minorities and illegal immigrants, and the issue of the genocide

crisis of Darfur.”)

Content & Development

The essay contains a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. Although the author provides one idea to expand upon per paragraph, there is an inadequate amount of information provided for each topic. The details that are provided do not give

readers much to consider. (“The second thing that I would tell the president would be to worry about the problems at home first and then clean up the problems that are outside of our country. I think that this country has a lot of problems and we need to fix those problms first, rather than create more problems overseas.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. It lacks paragraphing and lacks some transitional devices. The introduction attempts to include a sentence that explains what the essay is about. There is some evidence of transitional devices to help connect ideas, but they are only simple transitions. More sophisticated and subtle transitions would be more effective and would allow for better language flow. The conclusion attempts to summarize the main points of the essay, but does not leave readers with anything more to think about. (“If I was to have a conversation with the next presidet of America and give him/her my advice, I would tell him/her three things. I would tel him or her to do what he/she thought the right thing to do was and to act on the decision. I would tell him to worry about Americans at home. I would tell the president would be to move some troops to Darfur and stop the genocide.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates simple language and word choice and some awareness of audience and control of voice. The lengths of the sentences are often short. Better transitions are needed. Essays at this level tend to have a more informal style of writing that is not always appropriate for the audience. This may begin to impede meaning. (“First, I would tell the president that not everybody is going to get appeased. Someone is going to be upset or unhappy with the decision of the president. I would tell him to do he thinks is right and to act on the issues that are concerning all average Americans. That is one of many hardships that

presidents face, is appesement.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. The author should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. Essays at this level begin to show signs that the author does not fully understand mechanics and conventions. Misspelled and poorly organized phrases occur more often and may impede meaning. (“If I was to have a conversation with the next presidet of America and give him/her my advice, I would tell him/her three things. I would tel him or her to do what he/she thought the right thing to do was and to act on the decision.”)

Model Essay

There are many things I would give advice on to a presidental candidate. I would give advice on everything from the Iraq war to the Genoside in Darfur. There are many things I would give him advice on.

One thing I would give him advice on wold be the Iraq war. I wold tell him to pull the trops out of Iraq and let them be. They have been actng this way for years, they are not going to change.Once we are out they might leave us alone. If hey attack us again we will be prepared. And if we don't pull out I would tell him to strengthen the hunt for Osama Binladin.

Another thing I would give him advie on would be the genoside in Darfur. I would tell him to negoshiate with the leader of Darfur and try to get him t stop the enoside. I would also tell him to start working on finding homes for all the refugees who lot their omes and posetions. If absolutely nesesary send troops into Darfur.

Anther thing I would give advice on would be the high prices on gas and food. I would tell him to lower the prices on gas and food. Peple with low wages can't afford food or gas.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. The writer suggests a controlling idea, but demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and completes few parts of the task. The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The author does attempt to provide a thesis, but the writing style is not appropriate for the audience. Interesting facts or other attention-grabbing writing techniques are not used. (“There are many things I would give advice on to a presidental candidate. I would give advice on everything from the Iraq war to the Genoside in Darfur. There are many things I would give him advice on.”)

Content & Development

The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support ideas. There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. The essay does have each main idea written as topic sentence in its own body paragraph, but not all essays at this level do. Details are minimally developed to explain and illustrate the evidence. The author barely attempts to provide supporting details for each argument. (“Another thing I would give him advie on would be the genoside in Darfur. I would tell him to negoshiate with the leader of Darfur and try to get him t stop the enoside.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. The essay demonstrates little evidence of a good introduction. The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. The introduction includes little background information about the topic. The first sentence of the introduction does little to include a question, a quotation, or an interesting fact or statistic. Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are needed. The essay does little to include a strong conclusion. This essay does attempt to break ideas up by using paragraphing, but the attempt at organization is still minimal. (“Anther thing I would give advice on would be the high prices on gas and food. I would tell him to lower the prices on gas and food. Peple with low wages can't afford food or gas.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience and makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. The lengths of the sentences are short. There may be some repetition. The writer should use more varied and appropriate transitions. The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“I would also tell him to start

working on finding homes for all the refugees who lot their omes and posetions. If absolutely nesesary send troops into Darfur.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

ability to understand the content. (“Another thing I would give him advie on would be the genoside in Darfur. I would tell him to negoshiate with the leader of Darfur and try to get him t stop the enoside.”)

Model Essay

Some advice for a president!

I would have to say that it would be good to let mckane run as vice president. It would be fare to make it so half the White House could be a place to stay for a couple of days or weeks it would be so cool. i would think was cool and it and he would get money and then he would get more money and then he could buy a bigger house and then he could live in it even when he is not president! He would be so rich from the money he got from the hotel that is half of his house then he would get a nice car and a lot of them so he could use them as rental cars. that would cost fifteen hundred bucks then he would get allot of money.

He could also put the money towards the people in africa and then he would be the nicest guy on the face of the planet. who ever wouldnt like him i would have to sew them and then he would have my back yeah and he would be so cool and i would be so happy that i met him.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer fails to establish a controlling idea, demonstrates no understanding of purpose and audience, and completes no parts of the task. This essay is barely on topic, but it does provide some general suggestions for what the presidential candidates should do if they become president. The essay is very informal and often provides irrelevant information. There is little attempt to provide a thesis, and there are no supporting ideas stated. (“who ever wouldnt like him i would have to sew them and then he would have my back yeah and he would be so cool and i would be so happy that i met him.”)

Content & Development

The writer fails to develop ideas and uses no details to support ideas. Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. There are no body paragraphs or separate ideas to support the minimal evidence of a thesis in this essay. (“i would think was cool and it and he would get money and then he would get more money and then he could buy a bigger house and then he could live in it even when he is not president!”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion and no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices. The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. The first sentence of the introduction does not include a question, a quotation, or an interesting fact or statistic. Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are needed. The essay does not include a strong conclusion.

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. The lengths of the sentences are short. Transitions are needed. The writer should use more varied and appropriate transitions. The style is not formal. Changing from first person to third person would make the purpose and audience clearer. The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“He could also put the money towards the people in africa and then he would be the nicest guy on the face of the planet. who ever wouldnt like him i would have to sew them and then he would have my back yeah and he would be so cool and i would be so happy that i met him.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the message. The text is not indented when beginning a new paragraph, and each sentence does not begin with a capital letter. (“He could also put the money towards the people in africa and then he would be the nicest guy on the face of the planet. who ever wouldnt like him i would have to sew them and then he would have my back yeah and he would be so cool and i would be so happy that i met him.”)

Did the rise of nineteenth-century imperialism in Africa have more positive or negative effects? How did these effects transform the continent and the lives of its people?

In a well-developed essay, describe the effects of nineteenth-century imperialism in Africa. Include historical and present day effects to support your description.

Model Essay

Imperialism is a policy of extending a country's power and influence through diplomacy or military force. In the nineteenth-century, imperialism dramatically changed Africa in a good way. Many European countries (Belgium, France, Germany, Italy, Portugal, Spain, and the United Kingdom) wanted to set up colonies in Africa for a variety of reasons. The rise of nineteenth-century imperialism in Africa had more positive effects than negative effects: education improved, industrialization improved the economy, and infrastructure improved the quality of life. The continent was changed geographically because multiple colonies were set up in Africa. The lives of the African people improved as the western culture began to influence them.

After imperialism in Africa, education improved. Ndansi Kumalo (a Ndebele chief and a subject of Lobengula, the Ndebele king) says, "The government has arranged for education and through that, when our children grow up, they may rise in status" (A&O, 316). Ndansi Kumalo believed that the improved education in Africa was going to give the new generations a better chance in life. Some European countries established missionary schools throughout Africa, in which Africans could get an education. According to www.sahistory.org., "The formation of political parties in this period reflected changes in African nationalism. It was now increasingly being influenced by western education and Christianity." As of today, South Africa's literacy rate is at 93 percent.

Industrialization improved the economies of Africa. Ndansi Kumalo said, "They brought us European implements-plows; we can buy European clothes, which are an advance" (A&O, 316). Now that agricultural techniques were improved, food was more plentiful, which decreased the amount of food shortages and famines. Mineral discoveries from the 1860s to the 1880s had a huge impact on southern Africa. Diamonds were the most sought after minerals. In 1870, the findings were sufficient enough to attract a "rush" of several thousand fortune hunters. According to www.motherearthtravel. com, "The diamond industry became the key to the economic fortunes of the Cape Colony by providing the single largest source of export earnings, as well as by fueling development throughout the colony." The Cape Colony doubled its population from 1865 to 1900 with 400, 000 people. The economies thrived throughout this period.

Infrastructure brought by the Europeans improved the quality of life in Africa. Railway lines were being built in Africa to transport extracted resources (gold and diamonds) from the African interior to the coast. People and resources could now move around the continent easier and faster. British Prime Minister Lord Salisbury said, "The great organizations and greater means of locomotion of the present day mark out the future to be one of great empires". Salisbury believed that the railway of industrialized Europe would extend the imperial power of stronger industrial countries over weaker agrarian ones. By 1907, European imperialists brought much of the world under European rule.

Africa was not centrally governed until the European countries took over. The European countries helped Africa with their education, industries, and infrastructure. If it wasn't for the Europeans, Africa would probably be vastly undeveloped and the discovery of diamonds may have never happened. The rise of

nineteenth-century imperialism in Africa was indeed more beneficial than anything else. The European colonies in Africa of the nineteenth-century became countries in the late twentieth century. These countries changed Africa's geography permanently. In addition, there was an increase in population in Africa due to the imperialism in Africa. A substantial number of Europeans moved to Africa in search for new lives, changing the demographic makeup of Africa. All of these resulting changes positively changed Africa.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer clearly asserts the positive effects of African Imperialism in the opening paragraph. (“The rise of nineteenth-century imperialism in Africa had more positive effects than negative effects: education improved, industrialization improved the economy, and infrastructure improved the quality of life. The continent was changed geographically because multiple colonies were set up in Africa. The lives of the African people improved as the western culture began to influence them.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. (“Industrialization improved the economies of Africa. Ndansi Kumalo said, ‘They brought us European implements-plows; we can buy European clothes, which are an advance’ (A&O, 316). Now that agricultural techniques were improved, food was more plentiful, which decreased the amount of food shortages and famines. Mineral discoveries from the 1860s to the 1880s had a huge impact on southern Africa. Diamonds were the most sought after minerals. In 1870, the findings were sufficient enough to attract a ‘rush’ of several thousand fortune hunters. According to www.motherearthtravel. com, ‘The diamond industry became the key to the economic fortunes of the Cape Colony by providing the single largest source of export earnings, as well as by fueling development throughout the colony.’ The Cape Colony doubled its population from 1865 to 1900 with 400, 000 people. The economies thrived throughout this period.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“Infrastructure brought by the Europeans improved the quality of life in Africa. Railway lines were being built in Africa to transport extracted resources (gold and diamonds) from the African interior to the coast. People and resources could now move around the continent easier and faster. British Prime Minister Lord Salisbury said, ‘The great organizations and greater means of locomotion of the present day mark out the future to be one of great empires’.

Salisbury believed that the railway of industrialized Europe would extend the imperial power of stronger industrial countries over weaker agrarian ones. By 1907, European imperialists brought much of the world under European rule.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops main ideas using a variety of appropriate details for support.

Relevant points explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (“Infrastructure brought by the Europeans improved the quality of life in Africa. Railway lines were being built in Africa to transport extracted resources (gold and diamonds) from the African interior to the coast. People and resources could now move around the continent easier and faster. British Prime Minister Lord Salisbury said, ‘The great organizations and greater means of locomotion of the present day mark out the future to be one of great empires’. Salisbury believed that the railway of industrialized Europe would extend the imperial power of stronger industrial countries over weaker agrarian ones. By 1907, European imperialists brought much of the world under European rule.”)

Details align with the topic sentence of each body paragraph. (“Industrialization improved the economies of Africa. Ndansi Kumalo said, ‘They brought us European implements-plows; we can buy European

clothes, which are an advance’ (A&O, 316). Now that agricultural techniques were improved, food was

more plentiful, which decreased the amount of food shortages and famines. Mineral discoveries from the 1860s to the 1880s had a huge impact on southern Africa. Diamonds were the most sought after minerals. In 1870, the findings were sufficient enough to attract a ‘rush’ of several thousand fortune hunters.”)

Specific information about the positive effects of imperialism in Africa is developed very effectively. (“After imperialism in Africa, education improved. Ndansi Kumalo (a Ndebele chief and a subject of

Lobengula, the Ndebele king) says, ‘The government has arranged for education and through that, when our children grow up, they may rise in status’ (A&O, 316). Ndansi Kumalo believed that the improved education in Africa was going to give the new generations a better chance in life. Some European countries established missionary schools throughout Africa, in which Africans could get an education. According to www.sahistory.org., ‘The formation of political parties in this period reflected changes in African nationalism. It was now increasingly being influenced by western education and Christianity.’ As of today, South Africa's literacy rate is at 93 percent.”)

Organization

The writer effectively engages the readers’ attention in the introduction by providing relevant background information. (“Imperialism is a policy of extending a country's power and influence through diplomacy or military force. In the nineteenth-century, imperialism dramatically changed Africa in a good way. Many

European countries (Belgium, France, Germany, Italy, Portugal, Spain, and the United Kingdom) wanted to set up colonies in Africa for a variety of reasons. The rise of nineteenth-century imperialism in Africa had more positive effects than negative effects: education improved, industrialization improved the economy, and infrastructure improved the quality of life. The continent was changed geographically because multiple colonies were set up in Africa. The lives of the African people improved as the western culture began to

influence them.”)

Transitions are needed to effectively connect ideas within and between paragraphs and sentences.

(“Infrastructure brought by the Europeans improved the quality of life in Africa. Railway lines were being built in Africa to transport extracted resources (gold and diamonds) from the African interior to the coast. People and resources could now move around the continent easier and faster. British Prime Minister Lord Salisbury said, "The great organizations and greater means of locomotion of the present day mark out the future to be one of great empires". Salisbury believed that the railway of industrialized Europe would extend the imperial power of stronger industrial countries over weaker agrarian ones. By 1907, European imperialists brought much of the world under European rule.”)

The writer includes an ending that underscores the positive effects that African Imperialism had on the

continent, and it provides the readers with a sense of closure. (“Africa was not centrally governed until the European countries took over. The European countries helped Africa with their education, industries, and infrastructure. If it wasn't for the Europeans, Africa would probably be vastly undeveloped and the discovery of diamonds may have never happened. The rise of nineteenth-century imperialism in Africa was indeed more beneficial than anything else. The European colonies in Africa of the nineteenth-century became countries in the late twentieth century. These countries changed Africa's geography permanently. In addition, there was an increase in population in Africa due to the imperialism in Africa. A substantial number of Europeans moved to Africa in search for new lives, changing the demographic makeup of

Africa. All of these resulting changes positively changed Africa.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s word choices create an informative tone and establish credibility with the intended audience. (“Infrastructure brought by the Europeans improved the quality of life in Africa. Railway lines were being built in Africa to transport extracted resources (gold and diamonds) from the African interior to the coast. People and resources could now move around the continent easier and faster. British Prime Minister Lord Salisbury said, ‘The great organizations and greater means of locomotion of the present day mark out the future to be one of great empires’. Salisbury believed that the railway of industrialized Europe would extend the imperial power of stronger industrial countries over weaker agrarian ones. By 1907, European imperialists brought much of the world under European rule.”)

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“Africa was not centrally governed until the European countries took over. The European countries helped Africa with their education, industries, and infrastructure. If it wasn't for the Europeans, Africa would probably be vastly undeveloped and the discovery of diamonds may have never happened. The rise of nineteenth- century imperialism in Africa was indeed more beneficial than anything else. The European colonies in Africa of the nineteenth-century became countries in the late twentieth century. These countries changed Africa's geography permanently. In addition, there was an increase in population in Africa due to the imperialism in Africa. A substantial number of Europeans moved to Africa in search for new lives, changing the demographic makeup of Africa.”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice throughout the essay. (“After imperialism in Africa, education improved. Ndansi Kumalo (a Ndebele chief and a subject of Lobengula, the Ndebele king) says, ‘The government has arranged for education and through that, when our children grow up, they may rise in

status’ (A&O, 316). Ndansi Kumalo believed that the improved education in Africa was going to give the new generations a better chance in life. Some European countries established missionary schools throughout Africa, in which Africans could get an education. According to www.sahistory.org., ‘The formation of political parties in this period reflected changes in African nationalism. It was now

increasingly being influenced by western education and Christianity.’ As of today, South Africa's literacy rate is at 93 percent.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

imperialism in Africa had more positive effects than negative effects: education improved, industrialization improved the economy, and infrastructure improved the quality of life. The continent was changed geographically because multiple colonies were set up in Africa. The lives of the African people improved as the western culture began to influence them.”)

Model Essay

Imperialism has had a great impact on the economy, boundaries, and politics of Africa. It was one of the many countries affected by the New Imperialism Period (1880s-1914). Imperialism is basically when other countries take over other smaller countries and declare it their own, thereby increasing their range of authority as well as benefiting the economy of the home country by shipping back acquired riches and trading with the surrounding countries in the newly "acquired" land.

In the fifteenth century, Portuguese traders began to explore Africa. That was the start of European contact with Africa. In the late 1880s, Britain, France, and Germany were the main imperialist powers in Africa. At first, Britain was not very interested in exploring Africa; they only wanted to do so to fulfill their own

interests. They were very much against slavery, and felt obligated to go to Africa and try to cease the slave trades taking place between Africa and other countries. France and Germany also wanted to explore Africa to find things that could be of great value, such as fur pelts, spices, and, minerals.

Before Imperialism had an impact on Africa, the inhabitants and their environment was rather primitive. The native Africans did not use animals for anything other than a food source before the European imperialists arrived and introduced the idea of using them as transportation. The natives also relied heavily on brute force rather than using tools. With the "invasion" of European imperialists, they also brought technologies not seen before by the native Africans. The natives adjusted quickly to the sudden surge in modernity quickly, adapting the newly discovered technology to everyday life. Coastal villages occupied and influenced by the Imperialists quickly turned into towns, then as time progressed, cities. There was also a steady increase in population growth, as health care was one of the things that the Europeans improved. Treatments and preventions were implemented by European doctors and played an important role in diminishing the crude death rate among all age groups.

The Europeans didn't only bring over new technology; they influenced the natives and forever changed how everyday life would be. The Europeans brought over missionaries in an attempt to convert non-believers to their preferred religion. However, many of the villages already had their own religion that they weren't going to readily give up. Many times if the villagers did not want to convert, the Europeans would use force to persuade the villagers into becoming converts. Besides changing the natives' beliefs, they also influenced them so much that they were almost completely different from their inland counterparts. Where the Europeans had settled they developed their own little cities on whatever land they could find. In their settlements they implemented the same laws used back in their home country. And with the idea of imperialism, they also implemented their laws on any surrounding tribes; whether they liked it or not.

Africa would not be what is today if it weren't for the European imperialists. They had brought over technologies and beliefs that were vital in shaping Africa to be what it is now. Without them, Africa probably would have remained the relatively primitive country it once was. How the imperialist takeover by the Europeans is seen is still an issue today, and people are divided on whether the Europeans helped or hurt the Native Africans. Whatever is true, one thing is for sure: the imperialists helped to shape Africa from a desolate flatland continent into one with the some of the highest GDPs (gross domestic product) in the world. Billionaires and vacationing celebrities are just a few of the wealthy, famous people that are proud to call Africa home; and the Imperialists had a more than important part to play in this.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the essay. He/she establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience. The writer satisfies most parts of the prompt task.

The writer engages the readers’ attention by defining and pinpointing three ways imperialism impacted Africa. (“Imperialism has had a great impact on the economy, boundaries, and politics of Africa. It was one of the many countries affected by the New Imperialism Period (1880s-1914). Imperialism is basically when other countries take over other smaller countries and declare it their own, thereby increasing their range of authority as well as benefiting the economy of the home country by shipping back acquired riches and trading with the surrounding countries in the newly ‘acquired’ land.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. (“Before Imperialism had an impact on Africa, the inhabitants and their environment was rather primitive. The native Africans did not use animals for anything other than a food source before the European imperialists arrived and introduced the idea of using them as transportation. The natives also relied heavily on brute force rather than using

tools. With the ‘invasion’ of European imperialists, they also brought technologies not seen before by the native Africans. The natives adjusted quickly to the sudden surge in modernity quickly, adapting the newly discovered technology to everyday life. Coastal villages occupied and influenced by the Imperialists quickly turned into towns, then as time progressed, cities. There was also a steady increase in population

growth, as health care was one of the things that the Europeans improved. Treatments and preventions were implemented by European doctors and played an important role in diminishing the crude death rate among all age groups.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very well. (“Africa would not be what is today if it weren't for the European imperialists. They had brought over technologies and beliefs that were vital in shaping Africa to be what it is now. Without them, Africa probably would have remained the relatively primitive country it once was. How the imperialist takeover by the Europeans is seen is still an issue today, and people are divided on whether the Europeans helped or hurt the Native Africans. Whatever is true, one thing is for sure: the imperialists helped to shape Africa from a desolate flatland continent into one with the some of the highest GDPs (gross domestic product) in the world.”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops some ideas, using sufficient and appropriate details for support. In other portions of the essay, however, additional

development is needed to bolster the writer’s ideas in a meaningful way.

The writer should develop ideas more fully using specific details from a variety of sources to give the readers a stronger sense of the effects of African Imperialism during the nineteenth century. For example, the writer mentions the decrease in death rates among the African people, but the writer is too limited when discussing the specific factors that contributed to diminished death rates. (“There was also a steady increase in population growth, as health care was one of the things that the Europeans improved.

Treatments and preventions were implemented by European doctors and played an important role in diminishing the crude death rate among all age groups.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea in the topic sentence.

(“Before Imperialism had an impact on Africa, the inhabitants and their environment was rather primitive. The native Africans did not use animals for anything other than a food source before the European imperialists arrived and introduced the idea of using them as transportation. The natives also relied heavily on brute force rather than using tools. With the ‘invasion’ of European imperialists, they also brought technologies not seen before by the native Africans. The natives adjusted quickly to the sudden surge in modernity quickly, adapting the newly discovered technology to everyday life.”)

The writer needs to include additional details to explain each main idea. For example, he/she should discuss the specific laws that were implemented by the Europeans and the effects of these laws on unsuspecting African tribes. (“Where the Europeans had settled they developed their own little cities on whatever land they could find. In their settlements they implemented the same laws used back in their home country. And with the idea of imperialism, they also implemented their laws on any surrounding

tribes; whether they liked it or not.”)

Organization

There is good organization of ideas in the essay. The writer demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. Additionally, consistent use of paragraphing and subtle transitional devices is reflected.

The writer provides an effective introduction. (“Imperialism has had a great impact on the economy, boundaries, and politics of Africa. It was one of the many countries affected by the New Imperialism Period (1880s-1914). Imperialism is basically when other countries take over other smaller countries and declare it their own, thereby increasing their range of authority as well as benefiting the economy of the home country by shipping back acquired riches and trading with the surrounding countries in the newly ‘acquired’ land.”)

Subtle transitions within and between paragraphs or sentences are used well. (“The Europeans didn't only bring over new technology; they influenced the natives and forever changed how everyday life would be.

The Europeans brought over missionaries in an attempt to convert non-believers to their preferred religion. However, many of the villages already had their own religion that they weren't going to readily give up.

Many times if the villagers did not want to convert, the Europeans would use force to persuade the villagers into becoming converts. Besides changing the natives' beliefs, they also influenced them so much that they were almost completely different from their inland counterparts.”)

The conclusion provides the readers with a sense of closure. (“Africa would not be what is today if it weren't for the European imperialists. They had brought over technologies and beliefs that were vital in shaping Africa to be what it is now. Without them, Africa probably would have remained the relatively primitive country it once was. How the imperialist takeover by the Europeans is seen is still an issue today, and people are divided on whether the Europeans helped or hurt the Native Africans. Whatever is true, one thing is for sure: the imperialists helped to shape Africa from a desolate flatland continent into one with the some of the highest GDPs (gross domestic product) in the world. Billionaires and vacationing celebrities are just a few of the wealthy, famous people that are proud to call Africa home; and the Imperialists had a more than important part to play in this.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good language, voice, and style into the essay. He/she demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, good voice, and a clear sense of audience. Additionally, the writer uses well- structured sentences with some variety.

The language and tone are consistent. (“In the fifteenth century, Portuguese traders began to explore Africa. That was the start of European contact with Africa. In the late 1880s, Britain, France, and Germany were the main imperialist powers in Africa. At first, Britain was not very interested in exploring Africa; they only wanted to do so to fulfill their own interests. They were very much against slavery, and felt obligated to go to Africa and try to cease the slave trades taking place between Africa and other countries. France and Germany also wanted to explore Africa to find things that could be of great value, such as fur pelts, spices, and, minerals.”)

The writer employs good voice and style in the presentation of information in the essay. (“Before Imperialism had an impact on Africa, the inhabitants and their environment was rather primitive. The native Africans did not use animals for anything other than a food source before the European imperialists arrived and introduced the idea of using them as transportation. The natives also relied heavily on brute force rather than using tools. With the ‘invasion’ of European imperialists, they also brought technologies not seen before by the native Africans. The natives adjusted quickly to the sudden surge in modernity quickly, adapting the newly discovered technology to everyday life.”)

The writer employs good word choices to describe the positive effects of imperialism on Africa in the nineteenth century. (“Coastal villages occupied and influenced by the Imperialists quickly turned into

towns, then as time progressed, cities. There was also a steady increase in population growth, as health care was one of the things that the Europeans improved. Treatments and preventions were implemented by European doctors and played an important role in diminishing the crude death rate among all age groups.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer ensures that sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have subject-verb agreement, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, words are spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs are indicated with line breaks. (“The Europeans brought over missionaries in an attempt to convert non- believers to their preferred religion. However, many of the villages already had their own religion that they weren't going to readily give up. Many times if the villagers did not want to convert, the Europeans would use force to persuade the villagers into becoming converts. Besides changing the natives' beliefs, they also influenced them so much that they were almost completely different from their inland counterparts.”)

Model Essay

During the nineteenth-century Britain colonized numerous amounts of territory. Imperialism was taking part in Europe, China, India as well as Africa by Great Britain. The discovery of gold and diamonds was not the only aspect that rushed Britain to colonize. It was the fact that conquering Africa would lead an easier, faster, and safer path to India, Britain's "Jewel in the Crown". Africa had no say in the Berlin Conference, a meeting where nations such as Germany and France divided the land between themselves and other countries. The effects of African Imperialism helped its economy in a positive way then as well as now. Please, continue reading before deciding upon this issue.

Colonizing Africa improved its economy and people's lives. The construction of hospitals and schools had a great impact on Africa's society. Before, Africa had a big epidemic on malaria and other deathly diseases giving rise to multiples deaths. After Britain conquered Africa, death rates decreased due to the construction of hospitals and the medical attention taken by the government. Education also improved as more public schools were built for children. This entitled children to a better education providing them with the necessary information for success.

The introduction of health and wellness also decreased death rates in Africa. Most areas of Africa were deserts and did not hold the water necessary to feed a population. With no water to drink, people died of thirst but also of poor hygiene. Sanitation led an important role in the wellness of the people. Once Britain colonized, they brought with them the new and improved inventions which included the steam engine, electricity and the germ and pasteurization theory. The germ and pasteurization theory taught the importance of sanitation and that it caused disease.

Finally, transportation improved due to the construction of railroads. It became easier and faster to trade with other countries. One of the reasons Britain colonized Africa was because it opened a route to India, their most valuable country for trade. By this, they not only increased their trade but also protected India. It was important for Great Britain to secure India because it was Britain's main producer of raw goods.

Railroads provided a faster and easier way to travel passengers as well. It used to take days in order for a person to arrive at his or her destination since the only way they had to travel was by a large four-legged animal or by foot. It was extremely dangerous for people to travel because of Africa's vast and tropical geography in addition to the fact that it holds the most dangerous creatures.

The effects of African Imperialism was positive because it helped its economy. Three ways that it helped were, improvement of hospitals as well as education, the enhancement of sanitation, and easier as well as faster transportation.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains adequate focus and meaning in the essay. A central/controlling idea and a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task are revealed. The writer provides descriptions and details that are relevant and completes many parts of the task.

The thesis statement presents the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view of the writer

adequately. (“The effects of African Imperialism helped its economy in a positive way then as well as now. Please, continue reading before deciding upon this issue.”)

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The essay is devoted to informing the readers

about the positive effects of imperialism in Africa, past and present. (“One of the reasons Britain colonized Africa was because it opened a route to India, their most valuable country for trade. By this, they not only

increased their trade but also protected India. It was important for Great Britain to secure India because it was Britain's main producer of raw goods. Railroads provided a faster and easier way to travel passengers as well. It used to take days in order for a person to arrive at his or her destination since the only way they had to travel was by a large four-legged animal or by foot. It was extremely dangerous for people to travel because of Africa's vast and tropical geography in addition to the fact that it holds the most dangerous

creatures.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“The introduction of health and wellness also decreased death rates in Africa. Most areas of Africa were deserts and did not hold the water necessary to feed a population. With no water to drink, people died of thirst but also of poor hygiene. Sanitation led an important role in the wellness of the people. Once Britain colonized, they brought with them the new and improved inventions which included the steam engine, electricity and the germ and pasteurization theory. The germ and pasteurization theory taught the

importance of sanitation and that it caused disease.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas is adequate in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support.

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate some of the main ideas. (“The introduction of health and wellness also decreased death rates in Africa. Most areas of Africa were deserts and did not hold the water necessary to feed a population. With no water to drink, people died of thirst but also of poor hygiene.

Sanitation led an important role in the wellness of the people. Once Britain colonized, they brought with them the new and improved inventions which included the steam engine, electricity and the germ and pasteurization theory. The germ and pasteurization theory taught the importance of sanitation and that it caused disease.”)

The writer’s supporting details should include statistics and other relevant information to illustrate the positive effects of African Imperialism more effectively. (“Colonizing Africa improved its economy and people's lives. The construction of hospitals and schools had a great impact on Africa's society. Before, Africa had a big epidemic on malaria and other deathly diseases giving rise to multiples deaths. After Britain conquered Africa, death rates decreased due to the construction of hospitals and the medical attention taken by the government. Education also improved as more public schools were built for children. This entitled children to a better education providing them with the necessary information for success.”)

The writer should address some of the negative effects of African Imperialism in the essay to create balance with the information presented to the readers. (“Africa had no say in the Berlin Conference, a meeting where nations such as Germany and France divided the land between themselves and other countries. The effects of African Imperialism helped its economy in a positive way then as well as now. Please, continue reading before deciding upon this issue.”)

Organization

There is adequate organization of ideas in the essay. The writer provides an interesting opening to the response that keeps the readers reading. The essay generally flows smoothly from one idea to another with subtle transitions to support sequential development. The conclusion should contain more information and give the readers a stronger sense of closure.

The writer’s introductory paragraph provides relevant background information, as well as a clearly stated thesis, to begin the essay. (“During the nineteenth-century Britain colonized numerous amounts of territory. Imperialism was taking part in Europe, China, India as well as Africa by Great Britain. The

discovery of gold and diamonds was not the only aspect that rushed Britain to colonize. It was the fact that conquering Africa would lead an easier, faster, and safer path to India, Britain's ‘Jewel in the Crown’.

Africa had no say in the Berlin Conference, a meeting where nations such as Germany and France divided

the land between themselves and other countries. The effects of African Imperialism helped its economy in a positive way then as well as now.”)

Subtle transitions are used to connect ideas. (“Colonizing Africa improved its economy and people's lives. The construction of hospitals and schools had a great impact on Africa's society. Before, Africa had a big epidemic on malaria and other deathly diseases giving rise to multiples deaths. After Britain conquered Africa, death rates decreased due to the construction of hospitals and the medical attention taken by the government.”) The writer should incorporate more transitions to connect ideas in a meaningful way.

The writer’s conclusion neglects to summarize the main points of the response and does not leave the readers with too much to think about. The writer should consider enhancing the conclusion with a summary of ideas and a stronger sense of closure. (“The effects of African Imperialism was positive because it helped its economy. Three ways that it helped were, improvement of hospitals as well as

education, the enhancement of sanitation, and easier as well as faster transportation.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is adequate in the essay. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. There is generally correct sentence structure with some variety .

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“It used to take days in order for a person to arrive at his or her destination since the only way they had to travel was by a large four-legged animal or by foot. It was extremely dangerous for people to travel because of Africa's vast and tropical geography in addition to the fact that it holds the most dangerous creatures.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the essay. He/she provides language that

adequately describes some of the positive effects of African Imperialism to the intended audience. (“The introduction of health and wellness also decreased death rates in Africa. Most areas of Africa were deserts and did not hold the water necessary to feed a population. With no water to drink, people died of thirst but also of poor hygiene. Sanitation led an important role in the wellness of the people. Once Britain colonized, they brought with them the new and improved inventions which included the steam engine, electricity and the germ and pasteurization theory. The germ and pasteurization theory taught the importance of sanitation and that it caused disease.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the essay. (“Finally, transportation improved due to the construction of railroads. It became easier and faster to trade with other countries. One of the reasons Britain colonized Africa was because it opened a route to India, their most valuable country for trade. By this, they not only increased their trade but also protected India. It was important for Great Britain to secure India because it was Britain's main producer of raw goods.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure that sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have subject-verb agreement, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, word selections are spelled and used correctly, and

paragraphs are indicated with line breaks. (“The effects of African Imperialism was positive because it helped its economy. Three ways that it helped were, improvement of hospitals as well as education, the enhancement of sanitation, and easier as well as faster transportation.”)

Model Essay

The rise of imperialism in Africa brought benefits and loses/ negative effects and positive effects. Of course there where more negative effects than positive ones but each and every decision influenced Africa greatly. There where many drastic changes in this country that included; the size of africa, peoples lives, the economy ETC. Many countries benefited from the imperialism of Africa. Which ones you may ask? For example France, Germany, Spain, Italy, and Portugal.

Africa was not entirely collimated by Europe. Europe only had colonized a few parts of Africa. But there was a point in time when a lot of countries wanted to take over so they can take hold of more land. Having more land then the other county showed power and that's why every king was desperate to search for land. Europe once collimated a major part of Africa when they started building their own villages and began life on their own. Africa allowed this sudden entry because they did not want to start a war, they wanted to be at good terms with Europe. So Africa permitted Europe to colonize and divide Africa. This caused both political and economic changes for Africa. This all happened during the 1900's. Eventually there where only 2 parts of Africa that wernt colinated.

But Europe was taking it to far. They started changing too much for Africa to accept. They wanted changes in agriculture, culture and beliefs. Africa has already tolerated alot of change already so they where super upset. An example of a positive change in Africa's history is the main product that is being exchanged with the world was manufactured goods that they made themselves and they would trade it for for gold, ivory, or palm oil to make whatever was needed for their people. The positive effect of this new trade good is that they stopped slavery trade between Africa and the whole world, so now Africa was a free continent! A negative Effect besides the colonizing of all Africa, was that there so much competition for trade now.

There was so much conflict withing countries.

Overall there are many more benifets and harsh loses that Africa has gone through. This Imperialism i belive has mad Africa stronger and has taken it to where its at now. Africa has needed even though they might have not wanted the help of Europe and Great Britain and all those places. Somethings that those paces did to Africa to win it over where harsh and uncalled for but they shaped Africa and improved alot of things.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the essay. The writer establishes a central/controlling idea but demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she provides limited

descriptions and details that may not give the readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Only some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The essay reveals the central/controlling idea in a very limited way. (“The rise of imperialism in Africa brought benefits and loses/ negative effects and positive effects. Of course there where more negative effects than positive ones but each and every decision influenced Africa greatly. There where many drastic changes in this country that included; the size of africa, peoples lives, the economy ETC.”)

The writer focuses on some of the positives and negatives of African Imperialism, but the descriptions are limited at best. (“But Europe was taking it to far. They started changing too much for Africa to accept.

They wanted changes in agriculture, culture and beliefs. Africa has already tolerated alot of change already so they where super upset.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the essay and should include more meaningful examples to

illustrate the positive and negative effects of African Imperialism. (“Africa was not entirely collimated by Europe. Europe only had colonized a few parts of Africa. But there was a point in time when a lot of

countries wanted to take over so they can take hold of more land. Having more land then the other county showed power and that's why every king was desperate to search for land. Europe once collimated a major part of Africa when they started building their own villages and began life on their own. Africa allowed this sudden entry because they did not want to start a war, they wanted to be at good terms with Europe.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. He/she develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support.

The writer uses limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Africa was not entirely collimated by Europe. Europe only had colonized a few parts of Africa. But there was a point in time when a lot of countries wanted to take over so they can take hold of more land. Having more land then the other county showed power and that's why every king was desperate to search for land.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. (“The positive effect of this new trade good is that they stopped slavery trade between Africa and the whole world, so now Africa was a free continent! A negative Effect besides the colonizing of all Africa, was that there so much competition for

trade now. There was so much conflict withing countries.”)

Many of the details used to explain the writer’s main ideas are unorganized and confusing to the readers. (“Europe once collimated a major part of Africa when they started building their own villages and began life on their own. Africa allowed this sudden entry because they did not want to start a war, they wanted to be at good terms with Europe. So Africa permitted Europe to colonize and divide Africa. This caused both political and economic changes for Africa. This all happened during the 1900's. Eventually there where only 2 parts of Africa that wernt colinated.”)

Organization

There is limited organization of ideas in the essay. The writer demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. There is limited use of paragraphing, and the essay lacks effective transitional devices.

The writer provides a limited thesis statement in the introduction. (“The rise of imperialism in Africa brought benefits and loses/ negative effects and positive effects. Of course there where more negative effects than positive ones but each and every decision influenced Africa greatly. There where many drastic changes in this country that included; the size of africa, peoples lives, the economy ETC. Many countries benefited from the imperialism of Africa. Which ones you may ask? For example France, Germany, Spain, Italy, and Portugal.”)

Strong transitions within and between paragraphs and sentences are needed to enhance the flow of the writer’s ideas. (“But Europe was taking it to far. They started changing too much for Africa to accept.

They wanted changes in agriculture, culture and beliefs. Africa has already tolerated alot of change already so they where super upset. An example of a positive change in Africa's history is the main product that is being exchanged with the world was manufactured goods that they made themselves and they would trade it for for gold, ivory, or palm oil to make whatever was needed for their people. The positive effect of this new trade good is that they stopped slavery trade between Africa and the whole world, so now Africa was a free continent!”)

The writer’s conclusion is laden with errors and does not effectively close the response for the readers. (“Overall there are many more benifets and harsh loses that Africa has gone through. This Imperialism i belive has mad Africa stronger and has taken it to where its at now. Africa has needed even though they might have not wanted the help of Europe and Great Britain and all those places. Somethings that those paces did to Africa to win it over where harsh and uncalled for but they shaped Africa and improved alot of things.”)

Language Use & Style

Some sentences are short. The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the response more interesting to the intended audience. (“So Africa permitted Europe to colonize and divide

Africa. This caused both political and economic changes for Africa. This all happened during the 1900's.”)

The writer’s use of informal language and run-on sentences is evident as well. The writer needs to employ effective language and sentence structures to communicate his/her message to the readers in a more

meaningful way. (“Africa has already tolerated alot of change already so they where super upset. An example of a positive change in Africa's history is the main product that is being exchanged with the world was manufactured goods that they made themselves and they would trade it for for gold, ivory, or palm oil to make whatever was needed for their people.”)

The writer’s language use, voice, and style are limited; this detracts from the credibility of the writer and leaves the readers with questions. (“This Imperialism i belive has mad Africa stronger and has taken it to

where its at now. Africa has needed even though they might have not wanted the help of Europe and Great Britain and all those places. Somethings that those paces did to Africa to win it over where harsh and uncalled for but they shaped Africa and improved alot of things.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is limited. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should make sure each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with line breaks, the spelling of chosen words is checked, and that words are used properly within context. (“Of course there where more negative effects than positive ones but each and every decision influenced Africa greatly.

There where many drastic changes in this country that included; the size of africa, peoples lives, the economy ETC.”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

In the nineteenth century imperialism in Africa was a terrible thing the Britain, France and Germany countries were the main Imperialist Powers. What they did was take all the goods from africa that they wanted and bring poverty to Africa. Also they made slaves of the Africans as well.

Going into to detail when a country is in poverty the neighborhoods and communities turn bad. There starts to be a lot of violence due to it. Also africa is very poor so they try and make the best as thy can as well.

But since there is a lot of vilence people get killed faster.

Also Africa is so economically drained that it will take a lot of work to bring it back up to par but when that happens the most of the violence will stop but as well education is an import factor in it as well. When the germans invaded Africa they took most of the things that the African used to make a living.

As well they took many people as slaves, and from there that is how we got our slaves. Shipments from Africa to Britain, than from Britain to the US.

In conclusion you can tell that african imperialism in the nineteenth century was a terrible thing for the African because they are still affected by it today.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay contains a vague central/controlling idea. (“In the nineteenth century imperialism in Africa was a terrible thing the Britain, France and Germany countries were the main Imperialist Powers.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently enough to give the readers a true sense of the positive and negative effects of imperialism in Africa. More details are needed to enhance the

writer’s message to the intended audience. (“Going into to detail when a country is in poverty the neighborhoods and communities turn bad. There starts to be a lot of violence due to it. Also africa is very poor so they try and make the best as thy can as well.”)

The writer’s details are minimally developed. (“As well they took many people as slaves, and from there that is how we got our slaves. Shipments from Africa to Britain, than from Britain to the US.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support.

The writer’s thesis statement is minimal and does not guide the readers through the essay. (“In the nineteenth century imperialism in Africa was a terrible thing the Britain, France and Germany countries were the main Imperialist Powers. What they did was take all the goods from africa that they wanted and bring poverty to Africa. Also they made slaves of the Africans as well.”)

The writer’s evidence to support his/her main ideas is minimal. Specific details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. Details should include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations that give the readers a clear picture of the positive and negative effects of Imperialism in Africa. (“Also Africa is so economically drained that it will take a lot of work to bring it back up to par but when that happens the most of the violence will stop but as well education is an import factor in it as well. When the germans invaded Africa they took most of the things that the African used to make a living.”)

The writer neglects to develop ideas adequately; consequently, the readers are left with many questions. (“As well they took many people as slaves, and from there that is how we got our slaves. Shipments from Africa to Britain, than from Britain to the US.”)

Organization

The organization of the writer’s ideas is minimal as well. The writer provides an opening that minimally reveals the purpose of the prompt task. He/she does not employ effective transitional devices and paragraphing. Furthermore, the essay contains little evidence of a strong ending.

The writer does not effectively grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“In the nineteenth century imperialism in Africa was a terrible thing the Britain, France and Germany countries were the main

Imperialist Powers. What they did was take all the goods from africa that they wanted and bring poverty to Africa. Also they made slaves of the Africans as well.”)

There is little evidence of transitional devices to help connect ideas in the essay. (“Also Africa is so economically drained that it will take a lot of work to bring it back up to par but when that happens the most of the violence will stop but as well education is an import factor in it as well. When the germans invaded Africa they took most of the things that the African used to make a living.”)

The essay does not contain a meaningful conclusion that summarizes the writer’s ideas or gives the readers a sense of closure. (“In conclusion you can tell that african imperialism in the nineteenth century was a

terrible thing for the African because they are still affected by it today.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is minimal. The writer demonstrates simple language and word choice with little awareness of audience. The essay continually displays basic errors in sentence structure, spelling, or usage.

Syntax issues impede meaning for the readers. (“Going into to detail when a country is in poverty the neighborhoods and communities turn bad. There starts to be a lot of violence due to it. Also africa is very poor so they try and make the best as thy can as well.”)

There is informal language used in portions of the essay. (“Also Africa is so economically drained that it will take a lot of work to bring it back up to par but when that happens the most of the violence will stop but as well education is an import factor in it as well.”)

The writer relies on poorly constructed sentence structures and simple word choices. (“As well they took many people as slaves, and from there that is how we got our slaves. Shipments from Africa to Britain, than from Britain to the US.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is minimal. There are errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling which interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized essay. (“Also africa is very poor so they try and make the best as thy can as well. But since there is a lot of vilence people get killed faster.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

The Europeans conquered many countries in Africa and Asia in 19th century. that celled imperialism. The imperialism is refers to the political and economic control of one area or country by another Europeans began to dominate the world in the 1800's and Europeans took the land in this domination. There were many positive and effects some of positive were Missionary activity converted many to Christianity and the hospitals and medicine introduced and roads ports railroads and phone system introduced. small african middle calss estublished.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. The writer does not establish a viable central/controlling idea and demonstrates little understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. The writer barely completes any parts of the task.

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience because he/she does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“that celled imperialism. The imperialism is refers to the political and economic control of one area or country by another Europeans began to dominate the world in the 1800's and Europeans took the land in this domination.”)

The writer states a vague central/controlling idea and does not develop it adequately through examples and descriptive details. (“There were many positive and effects some of positive were Missionary activity converted many to Christianity and the hospitals and medicine introduced and roads ports railroads and phone system introduced. small african middle calss estublished.”)

The essay’s lack of specific details renders the writer’s message ineffective and incomplete. (“The Europeans conquered many countries in Africa and Asia in 19th century. that celled imperialism.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer neglects to develop ideas, using little or no details for support.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“There were many positive and effects some of positive were Missionary activity converted many to Christianity and the hospitals and medicine introduced and roads ports railroads and phone system introduced. small african middle calss estublished.”)

In the one-paragraph response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs. At least three main ideas should be included as evidence. (“The Europeans conquered many countries in Africa and Asia in 19th

century. that celled imperialism. The imperialism is refers to the political and economic control of one area or country by another Europeans began to dominate the world in the 1800's and Europeans took the land in this domination. There were many positive and effects some of positive were Missionary activity converted many to Christianity and the hospitals and medicine introduced and roads ports railroads and phone system introduced. small african middle calss estublished.”)

Details are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Details could include examples, facts, brief

narratives, or explanations that bring the writer’s ideas to life. (“small african middle calss estublished.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate as well. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure, introduction, or conclusion, and there is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The writer does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“The Europeans conquered many countries in Africa and Asia in 19th century. that celled imperialism.”)

Transitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“that celled imperialism. The imperialism is refers to the political and economic control of one area or country by another Europeans began to dominate the world in the 1800's and Europeans took the land in this domination.”)

The essay does not contain a strong conclusion. (“small african middle calss estublished.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s language use, voice, and style are inadequate. He/she demonstrates unclear language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Some sentences are short, and some are fragmented as well. (“The Europeans conquered many countries in Africa and Asia in 19th century. that celled imperialism.”)

There are run-on sentences that need to be restructured for optimal meaning. (“There were many positive and effects some of positive were Missionary activity converted many to Christianity and the hospitals and medicine introduced and roads ports railroads and phone system introduced.”)

Syntax issues hinder understanding for the readers. (“The imperialism is refers to the political and economic control of one area or country by another Europeans began to dominate the world in the 1800's and Europeans took the land in this domination.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

The United States of America has had 43 presidents, all with various strengths and weaknesses. In a multi- paragraph essay, explain who you think was the best American president and why. Make sure to include specific examples and details to support your argument and why.

Model Essay

The best presidents are the ones who are humble, honest, and confident in whatever they do. They also have to be open to new idea and respect other people's opinions. Chester A. Arthur fits this category in every way. Chester A. Arthur was the 21st president of the United States, and served only because of the assassination of President James A. Garfield. He did not do much in office, but he did play an important role in the history of the United States. To the fullest extent in the most suitable way, Chester A. Arthur was the best president of the United States.

Chester Alan Arthur was born in 1829 in Fairfield, Vermont to William and Malvina Stone Arthur. They moved around a lot, from different towns in Vermont and New York before finally settling in Saratoga County, New York. After he graduated from Union College, he began to learn law and teach at a local school. In 1853, he began to work at a New York law office, owned by a friend of his father, Erastus D. Culver. A year later, he passed his bar exam and received his license required to practice law. His reputation grew immensely, and his hard work paid off when he won a case that permitted blacks to ride on any trolley in New York City; he soon after opened his own law practice.

Chester A. Arthur studied as a lawyer in college. As a little boy Arthur would be ordering other boys around and tell them how to do whatever they were doing. Chester A. Arthur finished at the top of his class as he was studying to become a lawyer. This helped him as a president because he knew how to argue about issues in a fashionable manor, and he could also admit that he was wrong every now and then. He always was meant to be president.

Arthur fell in love with a woman named Ellen Lewis and married her in 1859. They later had a son who they named Chester Alan Arthur, Jr. and a daughter named Ellen Arthur. Before he became the vice president for James A. Garfield, he had made encounters with politics. In 1844, he and some other boys shouted on the streets in support for the candidate for the Whigs in the presidential election. More than a decade later, in 1856, he led a group called the Fifteenth Ward Young Men's Fremont Vigilance Committee. This group was mainly a support committee for John Fremont, the Republican who ran for the presidency in 1856. He campaigned for Abraham Lincoln, another Republican candidate, in 1860, while working for the reelection of the governor in New York, Edwin Morgan.

Before Chester became president he was already a vice president. He was already experienced before he became president. He knew how everything worked so it must not have been that challenging for him. He had been watching the chief do it for some time. His experience and his persistence helped him become the greatest president this country was lucky to have.

Chester Arthur took office in September 1881 after President James Garfield had died. Although mistrusted at first, Arthur proved himself a good political leader. The fact that an office seeker killed Garfield put pressure on Arthur to pass some sort of civil service policy. From this came about the Pendleton Act. This act created a bipartisan commission that made examinations for those who wanted government office. This act prevented salary increases and assigned federal positions.

Chester A. Arthur was a man of his word. He knew how to get his job done. Chester may have been the kindest president. He would help people who needed money and he never lied on his term of office. He was a truthful, honest man. He believed in his country as well. This quality helped him achieve greatness.

Chester A. Arthur is an example of a great president. Future presidents should look at him as an example. Chester A. Arthur planned on retiring and going fishing, but never had the opportunity to. He died on November 18, 1886, of massive cerebral hemorrhage. Chester A. Arthur has the characteristics of a good president. Chester Arthur will always be remembered throughout America's fabulous history. Chester was the best president this country ever had.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea, demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, completes all parts of the task, and may even go beyond the limits of the task. The essay grabs the readers’ attention by very effectively using an interesting statement, a question, and an engaging statement at the beginning of the introduction. All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“Chester A. Arthur was the 21st president of the United States, and served only because of the assassination of President James A. Garfield. He did not do much in office, but he did play an important role in the history of the United States. To the fullest extent in the most suitable way, Chester A. Arthur was the best president of the United States.”)

Content & Development

The essay develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details to support ideas.

The essay’s relevant points explain and illustrate their favorite dessert very effectively. Relevant points

explain and illustrate President Arthur’s characteristics very effectively. The author uses numerous details to support his or her claim. These details are well developed and have a large amount of supporting evidence. The details that are included in each paragraph very effectively develop the main idea of the

topic sentence. (“Chester Arthur took office in September 1881 after President James Garfield had died. Although mistrusted at first, Arthur proved himself a good political leader. The fact that an office seeker killed Garfield put pressure on Arthur to pass some sort of civil service policy. From this came about the Pendleton Act.”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, effective use of paragraphing, and effective use of transitional devices throughout. The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. The introduction includes very effective background information about the topic. Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. The conclusion summarizes the main points of the essay very effectively. Ideas are very effectively organized through paragraphing. (“Chester A. Arthur studied as a lawyer in college. As a little boy Arthur would be ordering other boys around and tell them how to do whatever they were doing. Chester A. Arthur finished at the top of his class as he was studying to become a lawyer. This helped him as a president because he knew how to argue about issues in a fashionable manor, and he could also admit that he was wrong every now and then. He always was meant to be president.”)

Language Use & Style

(“Chester A. Arthur was a man of his word. He knew how to get his job done. Chester may have been the kindest president. He would help people who needed money and he never lied on his term of office. He was a truthful, honest man.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“Chester Alan Arthur was born in 1829 in Fairfield, Vermont to William and Malvina Stone Arthur. They moved around a lot, from different towns in Vermont and New York before finally settling in Saratoga County, New York. After he graduated from Union College, he

began to learn law and teach at a local school.”)

Model Essay

Unlike Theodore, Franklin D. Roosevelt served as President during a time of deep national crises. His presidency began in the fourth year of the Great Depression, the worst calamity the U.S. economy had ever known. Fourteen million Americans were out of work, 9 million had lost their life savings, banks were closing, and the economic life of the country was almost at a standstill. F.D.R.'s predecessor, Herbert Hoover, had taken some steps to relieve the crisis. But as the Depression deepened, Roosevelt became convinced that only the bold intervention of the federal government could help the nation.

An experienced politician and executive, F.D.R. brought his natural gaiety, his personal charm and his experimental resolve to his new office. Heeding his call for "action and action now," Congress voted him broad emergency authority with which he began the efforts at relief for the needy, economic recovery and social reform that constituted his "New Deal" for the American people. By 1940 he had led Congress to enact legislation, much of it still in existence, for the regulation of banking, the securities market and public utilities. At his instigation, Congress also provided work relief for the unemployed, set maximum hours and minimum wages for all workers, created the Tennessee Valley Authority and similar regional development projects, and established Social Security payments for those temporarily without jobs, as well as retirement benefits for the aged and handicapped.

With the outbreak of war in Europe in 1939, Roosevelt undertook the difficult task of leading a country and Congress that did not want to become involved in giving crucial aid to the beleaguered Great Britain. After the passage of the Lend-Lease Act, in the summer of 1941 Roosevelt entered into an agreement with Winston Churchill that made the United States and Britain informal allies. The alliance was formalized after the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor brought the United States into World War II. Roosevelt then proved to be the major partner in the Grand Alliance with Britain, the Soviet Union and China. At the same time he served as American commander-in-chief and supreme strategist.

The Conference of the Big Three at Yalta makes final plans for the defeat of Germany. Here the "Big Three" sit on the patio together, Prime Minister Winston S. Churchill, President Franklin D. Roosevelt, and Premier Josef Stalin.

After twelve years in the White House, he died in 1945, just before the Allies declared victory over Germany. Despite the significant failings of his terms in office - including the forced war-time internment of Japanese-Americans and the United States' inadequate response to the Holocaust - most historians rank him as the greatest President since Lincoln.

Franklin D. Roosevelt is my favorite president because in 1941 Roosevelt entered into an agreement with Winston Churchill that made the United States and Britain informal allies. The alliance was formalized

after the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor brought the United States into World War II. Roosevelt proved to be the major partner in the Grand Alliance with Britain, the Soviet Union and China.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay uses good focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience and completes most parts of the task. The essay grabs the readers’ attention by using an engaging statement. In this case, the author describes the events of the Great Depression. The language of the thesis fits the effective examples very well. The author maintains focus on President Roosevelt throughout the essay and provides little or no unnecessary

information. (“Unlike Theodore, Franklin D. Roosevelt served as President during a time of deep national crises. His presidency began in the fourth year of the Great Depression, the worst calamity the U.S. economy had ever known. Fourteen million Americans were out of work, 9 million had lost their life savings, banks were closing, and the economic life of the country was almost at a standstill.”)

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient, appropriate details to support ideas. Supporting details develop the essay well. The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain the paragraph’s main idea. Specific information about the president’s handling of the Great Depression and World War II is provided. (“With the outbreak of war in Europe in 1939, Roosevelt undertook the difficult task of leading a country and Congress that did not want to become involved in giving crucial aid to the beleaguered Great Britain. After the passage of the Lend- Lease Act, in the summer of 1941 Roosevelt entered into an agreement with Winston Churchill that made the United States and Britain informal allies.”)

Organization

creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. The introduction includes adequate background information about the topic. Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. The conclusion summarizes the main points of the essay well. (“The Conference of the Big Three at Yalta makes final plans for the defeat of Germany. Here the "Big Three" sit on the patio together, Prime Minister Winston S. Churchill, President Franklin D. Roosevelt, and Premier Josef Stalin.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice, a clear sense of audience, and uses well-structured sentences with some variety. The language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“An experienced politician and executive, F.D.R. brought his natural gaiety, his personal charm and his experimental resolve to his new office. Heeding his call for "action and action now," Congress voted him broad emergency authority with which he began the efforts at relief for the needy, economic recovery and social reform that constituted his "New Deal" for the American people.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Harbor brought the United States into World War II. Roosevelt then proved to be the major partner in the Grand Alliance with Britain, the Soviet Union and China. At the same time he served as American commander-in-chief and supreme strategist.”)

Model Essay

The President I choose is Abraham Lincoln. I chose Abraham Lincoln also known as Honest Abe, because to me was the best president of America. Elected President in 1860, Abraham Lincoln lead seven states to the Confederate States of America. Even after those seven, four more joined. Soon after that the Civil War began, the Civil war lasted about five to six years and left about six hundred thousand dead. In the middle of the war, Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation to free all slaves within the Confederacy.

Abraham Lincoln was born 1809, dirt poor in a log cabin. Lincoln was raised in Kentucky and Indiana, lusting for education he taught him self. Lincoln also found interests in jokes and hard work. Lincoln also served time as a solider in the Black Hawk War, teaching him self the law he earned a seat in the Illinois State Legislater as a polition in the 1830s and 1840s. He soon moved to the U.S. Representatives in 1847. Lincoln soon left the Whig party to join the new Republican party.

Helping blacks fight their way towards freedom, Abe Lincoln became known as the president who brung the uprise for black slaves all over the world. Lincoln also made a vowe to perserve the union, and he did so even if it meant war. Lincoln soon raised an army and navy of over 3 million Northern men to face the southern army of about 2 million men. The battles were fought from Virgina to California, but mainly in Virgina in the Mississippi River Valley and along the border of the States. Abraham Lincoln was samrt and out witted many of his defenders in many of his battles.

As the war raged on Lincoln suffered from much more then just battle lost, he was also grieving over his dead son. Lincoln was also dealing with his wives mental state. When in pain Lincoln felt as though humor would help him coop so he at times told jokes to loved ones and friends. Another thing thath help Lincoln was to speak out about concerning problems and war. Lincoln was very educated on war and was always making sure of the consequences of his orders and actions.

many people accept Lincoln as the greatest president because of his great leadership and all the morals he had and stood for. Lincoln was well known for his wits and courage, not only did he set slaves free he also led many trough the greatest war in history. Lincoln knew just when to accept a challenge and when to deny one. This is why I chose him as the greatest President.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea and demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience and completes many parts of the task. The thesis statement states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. The author understands the intended audience adequately. The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience, and there is little use of slang or contractions. (“Even after those seven, four more joined. Soon after that the Civil War began, the Civil war lasted about five to six years and left about six hundred thousand dead. In the middle of the war, Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation to free all slaves within the

Confederacy.”)

Content & Development

paragraph support the thesis. The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. At least three details are stated about each main idea. The essay includes facts and statistics, examples, brief narratives, or explanations about each of the main ideas. (“Helping blacks fight their way towards freedom, Abe Lincoln became known as the president who brung the uprise for black slaves all over the world. Lincoln also made a vowe to perserve the union, and he did so even if it meant war. Lincoln soon raised an army and navy of over 3 million Northern men to face the southern

army of about 2 million men.”)

Organization

The essay uses adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, but there is inconsistent use of paragraphing and inconsistent use of transitional devices. The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. The essay demonstrates a good introduction. The introduction includes adequate background information about the topic.

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“many people accept Lincoln as the greatest president because of his great

leadership and all the morals he had and stood for. Lincoln was well known for his wits and courage, not only did he set slaves free he also led many trough the greatest war in history.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. Exact and specific words from the research and the prompt task are used adequately. Word choices are sometimes poor. (“The battles were fought from Virgina to California, but mainly in Virgina in the Mississippi River Valley and along the border of the States. Abraham Lincoln was samrt and out witted many of his defenders in many of his battles.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

begin with a capital letter. (“The battles were fought from Virgina to California, but mainly in Virgina in the Mississippi River Valley and along the border of the States. Abraham Lincoln was samrt and out witted many of his defenders in many of his battles.”)

Model Essay

We have 43 presidents, so whos the best? My president, Mr James Madison. Why? Because he's a good fighter. He helped fight in the War of 1812. He was elected to the first House of Representatives( Rep.) as a federalist and served thoughout Washington administration. Oh and as a bonus he wrote the Virginia Resolutions.

Madison was in the House of Rep. So in the House Madison served throughout Washington administration. He was in it from 1789-1797. Madison played a large part in forming the Department of State, Teasury, and war. Madison played a big part in our nations history.

Madison retired to his home in Virginia, after Jonh Adams was elected. This is when he wrote the Virginia Resolutions. The Virginia Resolution protested against the Alien and Sedition Act. These four measures

were adopted in 1798. The provisions against aliens were a reactionto the revolutionary movements in Europe. So you see Madison was a creative president too.

Elected in the year 1809 Madison could have had a bad term, but he's a good fighter. The War of 1812 had to do with Britain and France preying on citizens and impounding ships and men. These conflicts lead to the War of 1812. Madison was a man of peace. The war ended with the signing of the Treaty of Ghent in Dec.1814. Madison really didn't fight in the war, he was good at stratigies whitch was why he was re- elected for a second term after the war was declared.

We've had a lot of presidents through the years. So who's the best? My president, the 4th president, Mr. James Madison. He was a good fighter. He was a good representive in the house. He was also good at helping Virginia. Madison isn't a bad president, really!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea, but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience and completes only some parts of the task. The writing style is not always appropriate for the audience. Therefore, the essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay states a limited central/controlling idea of the essay. In the introduction, only a limited supporting idea of

the essay is stated, and a limited point of view or argument is stated. (“We have 43 presidents, so whos the best? My president, Mr James Madison. Why? Because he's a good fighter. He helped fight in the War of 1812. He was elected to the first House of Representatives( Rep.) as a federalist and served thoughout

Washington administration. Oh and as a bonus he wrote the Virginia Resolutions.”)

Content & Development

The essay demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. It lacks paragraphing and lacks some transitional devices. The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. (“Madison retired to his home in Virginia, after Jonh Adams was elected. This is when he wrote the Virginia Resolutions. The Virginia Resolution protested against the Alien and Sedition Act. These four measures were adopted in 1798.”)

Organization

There is limited organization in this essay. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, lacks paragraphing, and lacks some transitional devices. The essay demonstrates evidence of a good introduction. The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. The introduction includes some background information about the topic. It also attempts to summarize the main points of the essay. (“We've had a lot of presidents through the years. So who's the best? My president, the 4th president, Mr. James Madison. He was a good fighter. He was a good representive in the house. He was also good at helping Virginia. Madison isn't a bad president, really!”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates simple language and word choice and some awareness of audience and control of voice. The lengths of the sentences are short, and there are definitely some deficiencies in tone and professionalism. Transitions are needed, there is some repetition, and the style is not formal. The

sentences are too informal, although the message is usually conveyed successfully to readers. (“He helped fight in the War of 1812. He was elected to the first House of Representatives( Rep.) as a federalist and

served thoughout Washington administration. Oh and as a bonus he wrote the Virginia Resolutions.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Madison really didn't fight in the war, he was good at stratigies whitch was why he was re-elected for a second term after the war was declared.”)

Model Essay

James Buchanan was elected president in April 23, 1791. He was the 15th president of the United States.His vice president was John C. Breckinridge. He was in the party of demorcratic.All of James term as president he was never married, he has been the only president that never married. Suprisenly his first lady was his niece Harriet Lane.

When he was president the argument between the north and the south was going on. He did all he could to control the fighting but still north and south were still arguing. He didnt want to side with either one of them, so he didn't do anything about the argument.

James thought he would be the last president of the United States because when he was president the United States were having problems. They were having a lot of arguments. Between having more slaves states and all the

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. The writer suggests a controlling idea, but demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and completes few parts of the task. The author does choose a president and attempts to argue why they are the best, but they fail to back up their opinion with sufficient evidence. The writing style is often not appropriate for the audience. Facts presented sometimes do not make sense in the essay. (“James Buchanan was elected president in April 23, 1791. He was the 15th president of the United States.His vice president was John C. Breckinridge. He was in the party of demorcratic.All of James term as president he was never married, he has been the only president that never married. Suprisenly his first lady was his niece Harriet Lane.”)

Content & Development

The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support ideas. There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. Each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. Details are minimally used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. The essay seems to be incomplete. (“When he was president the argument

between the north and the south was going on. He did all he could to control the fighting but still north and south were still arguing. He didnt want to side with either one of them, so he didn't do anything about the

argument.”)

Organization

of transitional devices to help connect ideas. Although not necessary for this score level, this essay does attempt to separate ideas into separate paragraphs. There is no conclusion. (“They were having a lot of arguments. Between having more slaves states and all the”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience and makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. The lengths of the sentences are short. Transitions are needed. The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“He was in the party of demorcratic.All of James term as president he was never married, he has been the only president that never married. Suprisenly his first lady was his niece Harriet Lane.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not end each sentence with a punctuation mark or begin each sentence with a capital letter. (“He was in the party of demorcratic.All of James term as president he was never married, he has been the only president that never married. Suprisenly his first lady was his niece Harriet Lane.”)

Model Essay

Over the years our country has had many memorable and extraordinary leaders of are our counrty, the forty- three presidents of the United States. There have been many good presidents, but perhaps there are just as many presidents who did not fulfill the position quite as well. Such as the infamous Richard Nixon who was blamed for doing recordings of the republican party in the Watergate scandal. Fortunately, we have had very good presidents, espeacailly Franklin Delano Roosevelt. More famously known as FDR.QUEEN OF THE UNIVERSE

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

recordings of the republican party in the Watergate scandal.”)

Content & Development

The writer fails to develop ideas and uses no details to support ideas. Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. There are no main ideas in the body paragraphs. (“Fortunately, we have had very good presidents, espeacailly Franklin Delano Roosevelt. More famously known as FDR.QUEEN OF THE UNIVERSE”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion and no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices. The essay does attempt to provide a basic introduction,

but there are only one or two sentences that could be considered introductory. It does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. The first sentence of the introduction does not include a question, a quotation, or an interesting fact or statistic. The introduction does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. Transitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“Over the years our country has had many memorable and extraordinary leaders of are our counrty, the forty- three presidents of the United States. There have been many good presidents, but

perhaps there are just as many presidents who did not fulfill the position quite as well.”)

Language Use & Style

communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“Fortunately, we have had very good presidents,

espeacailly Franklin Delano Roosevelt. More famously known as FDR.QUEEN OF THE UNIVERSE”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Most essays at this level have major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the message. The text is not indented when beginning a new paragraph, and each sentence does not begin with a capital letter. While this essay does not have a lot of mechanical errors, it is still not appropriate for high-school-level writing. The author should use a spell- checker or dictionary before submission. (“Over the years our country has had many memorable and extraordinary leaders of are our counrty, the forty- three presidents of the United States. There have been many good presidents, but perhaps there are just as many presidents who did not fulfill the position quite as well.”)

Imagine that your friend has come to you asking for your help in getting a job at your place of employment. While you know that your friend is not a hard worker and you don't want his/her poor performance on the job to reflect on you, you also don't want to let your friend down because you know he/she needs the money.

In a multi-paragraph essay, describe how you would handle this dilemma. Would you recommend your friend for a job, even though you know he or she would not be a good employee? Be sure to include specific details and examples to support your decision.

Model Essay

"Hey, I hate to ask you this, but I really need a job, I have been behind on my car payments, and I even got my electricity shut off. I really need some help finding a new job. I was wondering if you could help me and write me a job recommendation for your business. It would be a big help, Carly," Lily paced back and forth walking around my kitchen table. See, I knew Lily since I was five. We were divas in diapers. The problem is that Lily had never grown out of them. Recommending her for anything was a huge dilemma for me.

I always tried to be a role model, show her that you need to grow up in order to get the things you want. I started a business for myself; I started a hotel in New York City. I grew wealthy and became successful by the time I was thirty one. I knew that I wanted to live in New York City my whole life; I also knew that it was expensive and that I would need money to be able to live, well, live in the right conditions there. I knew that I would do whatever it takes to just wake up to that yellow taxi and the moveable carts that sold the knockoffs that everybody lined up for. I knew I wanted to wake up to the fresh smell of those peanuts getting cooked in the cart. I just knew the city life was for me, and I was not going to let anything stand in my way, not even a diaper. See, I pity people like Lily really; I can't stop thinking about how hard it must have been for her to come to my house and actually ask her childhood friend for a job. I haven't talked to her since 8th grade graduation, but boy, did I hear about her! She hadn't changed one tiny bit. She still wears the bright colors and instead of matching with the articles of clothes she has on, she tries to match with a certain object or food. For example, today she tried to match a watermelon: white converse sneakers, pink leg warmers with a lighter shade of pink leggings, lime green shorts and a red tank top. She was the same Lazy Lily, forgetting to close my door on the way into the house. Although I pity this girl, would giving her a job at my hotel be the best thing?

"Lily, I haven't seen you in a while, I mean what, since graduation? I just can't give you a job like that. I can set you up and give you the job application form and I can assign somebody to walk you through the proper training, and then you can go through what every other employee went through, but I just can't give you a job and write you the recommendation myself," I rubbed my forehead, removing the hair that had fallen in my face as I was talking. "But Carly, you know me, I mean, I slept over your house, we made popcorn together, you were my best friend," She now spoke in a low tone; she seemed as if she was fading away with every sentence I spoke. I felt a remorse that could have eaten me alive.

"You don't understand, you're right, I knew you, that's past tense, I do not know you now Lil. Of course, the memories we had together were amazing, but this is completely different. I cannot risk everything I have worked for by recommending somebody who has worked for nothing all these years. You got yourself into this, I am willing to help you in any way, but I cannot risk my job and my money. You have to understand, I will help you get a smaller job for now, if you want, and if you can prove that you can grow up a little, Lil, I will be more than happy to show you the strings," I smiled a little, hoping that I was giving

her a little more of a reassurance that she can turn her life around, "Lily, I just don't want to give you something that will end up being a burden in the end; it's just not for you right now,"

Lily seemed to look like her dog had just died. Her face turned into a tomato. For a minute, I forgot what we were talking about because the look on her face took me back to middle school when she found out she had summer school for failing math class. A tear ran down from her eye. "It's funny how you always go back to the people who were there for you in the past," Lily picked up her car keys that she left on the kitchen table and wrote her number down on the sticky notes I had sitting by the fruit bowl. "I really need your help on this one," Lily turned the corner and walked out my door. I walked over and picked up the yellow sticky note that had been left behind from her. There read her number and in the corner, if you stared real hard, you could see small printing that read thanks for the advice. I couldn't believe that after all these years, somebody could just walk back into my life demanding help, but for some reason, it felt good. I was glad I could help her find her way. No matter how long it had been, I guess what they say is true; it's better late than never. Lily came into my house seeking a job that would supply her with money. She walked out my doors with an assurance of maturity. It felt like I just saw someone grow up right in front of my eyes. It was like she came in as little Lily, and walked out as Lily, Miss Determined. For some reason, I could never get around to calling her. I waited a month, and finally picked up the phone.

"Hi Lily, how are you?" I spoke into the phone. "Oh Carly, I am very good. Thank you for everything. I got a job here where I live. The day I left your house, I was driving back to my house, and I saw a help wanted posted and decided to stop. I work full time at a cute little boutique on 5th Avenue. It's wonderful here. I really enjoy going to work every day doing something that I don't mind doing; it is refreshing." Lily took a deep breath. She sounded so different; it wasn't Lily, it seemed like I was talking to a completely different girl. "I'm so proud of you." "It was all because of you, for some reason you had an immense impact on how I was thinking at the time." "I'm glad I could help you," "I'm glad you did too," We hung up the phone. A smile appeared on my face that ran from dimple to dimple.

See, in the end, this is not an ethical dilemma; it's whatever you make it. If you choose to make it a dilemma, then it sure will be, but you cannot sit and say that you can't make something into a positive experience, just like I did. At first, I didn't know what to say. I was confused and torn, but as I thought about it, I realized that I would only be hurting her if I were to recommend a job at my hotel that she couldn't handle. In telling her no, in a respectful way, and giving her valuable advice, that was all it took. It really made Lily think, and it changed her life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience. The writer effectively completes all parts of the task and leaves readers with a clear picture of the dilemma she faced and how the situation was resolved.

The essay captures the readers’ attention by very effectively using dialogue to begin the introduction. (“‘Hey, I hate to ask you this, but I really need a job, I have been behind on my car payments, and I even got my electricity shut off. I really need some help finding a new job. I was wondering if you could help me and write me a job recommendation for your business. It would be a big help, Carly,’ Lily paced back and forth walking around my kitchen table. See, I knew Lily since I was five. We were divas in diapers. The problem is that Lily had never grown out of them. Recommending her for anything was a huge dilemma for me.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. (“‘You don't understand, you're right, I knew you, that's past tense, I do not know you now Lil. Of course, the memories we had together were amazing, but this is completely different. I cannot risk everything I have worked for by recommending somebody who has worked for nothing all these years. You got yourself into this, I am willing to help you in any way, but I cannot risk my job and my money. You have to understand, I will help you get a smaller job for now, if you want, and if you can prove that you can grow up a little, Lil, I will be

more than happy to show you the strings,’ I smiled a little, hoping that I was giving her a little more of a reassurance that she can turn her life around, ‘Lily, I just don't want to give you something that will end up being a burden in the end; it's just not for you right now,’”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“See, in the end, this is not an ethical dilemma; it's whatever you make it. If you choose to make it a dilemma, then it sure will be, but you cannot sit and say that you can't make something into a positive experience, just like I did. At first, I didn't know what to say. I was confused and torn, but as I thought about it, I realized that I would only be hurting her if I were to recommend a job at my hotel that she couldn't handle. In telling her no, in a respectful way, and giving her valuable advice, that was all it took. It really made Lily think, and it changed her life.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details for support.

Relevant points explain and illustrate the history between the writer and her friend very effectively.

(“‘Lily, I haven't seen you in a while, I mean what, since graduation? I just can't give you a job like that. I can set you up and give you the job application form and I can assign somebody to walk you through the proper training, and then you can go through what every other employee went through, but I just can't give you a job and write you the recommendation myself,’ I rubbed my forehead, removing the hair that had

fallen in my face as I was talking. ‘But Carly, you know me, I mean, I slept over your house, we made popcorn together, you were my best friend,’ She now spoke in a low tone; she seemed as if she was fading away with every sentence I spoke. I felt a remorse that could have eaten me alive.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (“I walked over and picked up the yellow sticky note that had been left behind from her. There read her number and in the corner, if you stared real hard, you could see small printing that read thanks for the advice. I couldn't believe that after all these years, somebody could just walk back into my life demanding help, but for some reason, it felt good. I was glad I could help her find her way. No matter how long it had been, I guess what they say is true; it's better late than never. Lily came into my house seeking a job that would supply her with money. She walked out my doors with an assurance of maturity. It felt like I just saw someone grow up right in front of my eyes. It was like she came in as little Lily, and walked out as Lily, Miss Determined. For some reason, I could

never get around to calling her. I waited a month, and finally picked up the phone.”)

Specific information about the character discussed in the essay is developed very effectively. (“See, I pity people like Lily really; I can't stop thinking about how hard it must have been for her to come to my house and actually ask her childhood friend for a job. I haven't talked to her since 8th grade graduation, but boy, did I hear about her! She hadn't changed one tiny bit. She still wears the bright colors and instead of matching with the articles of clothes she has on, she tries to match with a certain object or food. For example, today she tried to match a watermelon: white converse sneakers, pink leg warmers with a lighter shade of pink leggings, lime green shorts and a red tank top. She was the same Lazy Lily, forgetting to close my door on the way into the house. Although I pity this girl, would giving her a job at my hotel be the best thing?”)

Organization

The writer effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction by describing the scenario that leads to the main character’s dilemma. (“‘Hey, I hate to ask you this, but I really need a job, I have been behind

on my car payments, and I even got my electricity shut off. I really need some help finding a new job. I was wondering if you could help me and write me a job recommendation for your business. It would be a big help, Carly,’ Lily paced back and forth walking around my kitchen table. See, I knew Lily since I was five.

We were divas in diapers. The problem is that Lily had never grown out of them. Recommending her for anything was a huge dilemma for me.”)

Subtle transitions are used effectively to connect ideas between paragraphs. (“I always tried to be a role model, show her that you need to grow up in order to get the things you want. I started a business for myself; I started a hotel in New York City. I grew wealthy and became successful by the time I was thirty one. I knew that I wanted to live in New York City my whole life; I also knew that it was expensive and that I would need money to be able to live, well, live in the right conditions there.”)

The writer includes an ending that provides readers with a sense of closure. (“See, in the end, this is not an ethical dilemma; it's whatever you make it. If you choose to make it a dilemma, then it sure will be, but you cannot sit and say that you can't make something into a positive experience, just like I did. At first, I didn't know what to say. I was confused and torn, but as I thought about it, I realized that I would only be hurting her if I were to recommend a job at my hotel that she couldn't handle. In telling her no, in a respectful way, and giving her valuable advice, that was all it took. It really made Lily think, and it changed her life.”)

Language Use & Style

adds to the effectiveness of the writer’s response.

The writer chooses descriptive words to effectively describe the situation with an old friend and the reasons why she feels a job recommendation presents a huge dilemma for her. (“‘Hey, I hate to ask you this, but I really need a job, I have been behind on my car payments, and I even got my electricity shut off. I really need some help finding a new job. I was wondering if you could help me and write me a job

recommendation for your business. It would be a big help, Carly,’ Lily paced back and forth walking around my kitchen table. See, I knew Lily since I was five. We were divas in diapers. The problem is that Lily had never grown out of them. Recommending her for anything was a huge dilemma for me.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“Lily seemed to look like her dog had just died. Her face turned into a tomato. For a minute, I forgot what we were talking about because the look on her face took me back to middle school when she found out she had summer school for failing math class. A tear ran down from her eye. ‘It's funny how you always go back to the people who were there for you in the past,’ Lily picked up her car keys that she left on the kitchen table and wrote her number down on the sticky notes I had sitting by the fruit bowl. ‘I really need your help on this one,’ Lily turned the corner and walked out my door.”)

The writer provides strong voice and style throughout the response. (“I just saw someone grow up right in front of my eyes. It was like she came in as little Lily, and walked out as Lily, Miss Determined. For some reason, I could never get around to calling her. I waited a month, and finally picked up the phone. ‘Hi Lily, how are you?’ I spoke into the phone. ‘Oh Carly, I am very good. Thank you for everything. I got a job here where I live. The day I left your house, I was driving back to my house, and I saw a help wanted posted and decided to stop. I work full time at a cute little boutique on 5th Avenue. It's wonderful here. I really enjoy going to work every day doing something that I don't mind doing; it is refreshing.’ Lily took a deep breath. She sounded so different; it wasn't Lily, it seemed like I was talking to a completely different girl.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

letter, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“I couldn't believe that after all these years, somebody could just walk back into my life demanding help, but for some

reason, it felt good. I was glad I could help her find her way. No matter how long it had been, I guess what they say is true; it's better late than never. Lily came into my house seeking a job that would supply her with money. She walked out my doors with an assurance of maturity.”)

Model Essay

Currently I am faced with a HUGE dilemma. A friend of mine has come and asked me for assistance in obtaining a job with my employer. I know that he is a less than superior employee and I don't want his reputation to reflect on me. Despite this, he is one of my closest friends and I know that because of his family situation, he really needs the money that a new job would provide. After thinking long and hard about the situation, I believe that I have found the solution. I will give my friend the recommendation, but only after we have discussed his business attitude and work through some issues. Throughout the following narrative I will explain to you how I will execute this plan and why I would eventually give my friend the recommendation for the job.

First things first, I would have to sit my friend down and discuss with him the reasons why I was hesitant for giving him the job recommendation to begin with. I would dialogue and confront him about his laziness and poor job performance at his place of previous employment. I would make an effort to get my friend some business training before he would make the big jump by applying for a job alongside me. If my friend failed to complete this training, or agree to participate in such a program, it would then be clear that he would not deserve my recommendation for the job. Although he is my friend, I would not jeopardize my entire career on someone who would not work hard at being a good employee.

After under going business training, I would take my own steps at helping my friend. To ensure that he would be set up for success and not failure, I would try and give my friend the information that I personally possess to give him the largest chance for success. I would teach my friend how to write and create the most eloquent and professional resume, train him on how to conduct himself correctly when going to an interview, and last but not least, dress for success. One of the quotes that I believe in is that "you are only as good as your first impression, and your last performance." I would stress the importance and meaning of this quote to my friend. Hopefully, by this time, my friend will have become a much more superior employee, and maybe will have earned a job recommendation from me. Despite these facts, this is not the final step.

Perhaps the most important thing to learn is that in the business setting, everything that occurs is business. Nothing is personal. Once this has been established, perhaps it would be in order for me to suggest to my friend that he find a job else where. Not to get him away from me, but to allow him to find something that he truly enjoy. Again, I would not set my friend up for failure by approving him for a job that he more than likely would not enjoy, eventually lading to a decline in work effort as he exhibited at his previous employer. I would be more than happy in helping to find the perfect place of employment for my friend, and then making a proficient job recommendation to that place. In the end, he's happy, possessing a great, financially providing job, along with me having a sound place of employment not jeopardized by my friend.

Conclusively, it's not always about giving your friend what they request or demand. As shown in my narrative, I believe it is much more effective to give your friend what you know is best for them and not what they think will bring automatic gratification. Take my advice. In the end, do what you know is best for your friend. It will save your relationship, give you peace of mind, and will most likely be the best result in a difficult situation.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the essay. The writer establishes and maintains a clear, controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience. The writer satisfies most parts of the prompt task.

The essay captures the readers’ attention by using an engaging statement in the introduction. (“Currently I am faced with a HUGE dilemma. A friend of mine has come and asked me for assistance in obtaining a job with my employer. I know that he is a less than superior employee and I don't want his reputation to reflect on me. Despite this, he is one of my closest friends and I know that because of his family situation, he really needs the money that a new job would provide. After thinking long and hard about the situation, I believe that I have found the solution.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. (“First things first, I would have to sit my friend down and discuss with him the reasons why I was hesitant for giving him the job recommendation to begin with. I would dialogue and confront him about his laziness and poor job performance at his place of previous employment. I would make an effort to get my friend some business training before he would make the big jump by applying for a job alongside me. If my friend failed to complete this training, or agree to participate in such a program, it would then be clear that he would not deserve my recommendation for the job. Although he is my friend, I would not jeopardize my entire career on someone who would not work hard at being a good employee.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very well. (“I will give my friend the recommendation, but only after we have discussed his business attitude and work through some issues. Throughout the following narrative I will explain to you how I will execute this plan and why I would eventually give my friend the recommendation for the job.”)

Content & Development

There is good content and good development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient appropriate details for support.

The content in the body of the paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain the main idea. (“I would make an effort to get my friend some business training before he would make the big jump by applying for a job alongside me. If my friend failed to complete this training, or agree to participate in such a program, it would then be clear that he would not deserve my recommendation for the job. Although he is my friend, I would not jeopardize my entire career on someone who would not work hard at being a good employee.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea in the topic sentence. (“To ensure that he would be set up for success and not failure, I would try and give my friend the information that I personally possess to give him the largest chance for success. I would teach my friend how to write and create the most eloquent and professional resume, train him on how to conduct himself correctly when going to an interview, and last but not least, dress for success. One of the quotes that I believe in is that ‘you are only as good as your first impression, and your last performance.’ I would stress the importance and meaning of this quote to my friend.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“Again, I would not set my friend up for failure by approving him for a job that he more than likely would not enjoy, eventually lading to a decline in work effort as he exhibited at his previous employer. I would be more than happy in helping to find the perfect place of employment for my friend, and then making a proficient job recommendation to that place. In the end, he's happy, possessing a great, financially providing job, along with me having a sound place of employment not jeopardized by my friend.”)

Organization

There is good organization of ideas throughout the essay. The writer demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. Additionally, consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices is reflected.

The essay demonstrates an effective introduction. (“Currently I am faced with a HUGE dilemma. A friend of mine has come and asked me for assistance in obtaining a job with my employer. I know that he is a less than superior employee and I don't want his reputation to reflect on me. Despite this, he is one of my closest friends and I know that because of his family situation, he really needs the money that a new job would provide. After thinking long and hard about the situation, I believe that I have found the solution. I will give my friend the recommendation, but only after we have discussed his business attitude and work through some issues. Throughout the following narrative I will explain to you how I will execute this plan and why I would eventually give my friend the recommendation for the job.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or sentences are used well. (“First things first, I would have to sit my friend down and discuss with him the reasons why I was hesitant for giving him the job recommendation to begin with. I would dialogue and confront him about his laziness and poor job performance at his place of previous employment. I would make an effort to get my friend some business training before he would make the big jump by applying for a job alongside me.”)

The conclusion provides closure and some sound advice for readers who may find themselves in a similar situation. (“Conclusively, it's not always about giving your friend what they request or demand. As shown in my narrative, I believe it is much more effective to give your friend what you know is best for them and not what they think will bring automatic gratification. Take my advice. In the end, do what you know is best for your friend. It will save your relationship, give you peace of mind, and will most likely be the best result in a difficult situation.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good language use, voice, and style throughout the essay. He/she demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, good voice, and a clear sense of audience. There is use of well- structured sentences with some variety.

The language and tone are consistent. (“After under going business training, I would take my own steps at helping my friend. To ensure that he would be set up for success and not failure, I would try and give my friend the information that I personally possess to give him the largest chance for success. I would teach my friend how to write and create the most eloquent and professional resume, train him on how to conduct himself correctly when going to an interview, and last but not least, dress for success.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“First things first, I would have to sit my friend down and discuss with him the reasons why I was hesitant for giving him the job recommendation to begin with. I would dialogue and confront him about his laziness and poor job performance at his place of previous employment. I would make an effort to get my friend some business training before he would make the big jump by applying for a job alongside me. If my friend failed to complete this training, or agree to participate in such a program, it would then be clear that he would not deserve my recommendation for the job.”)

The writer employs good word choice to describe one of his/her philosophies about being a good

employee. (“One of the quotes that I believe in is that ‘you are only as good as your first impression, and your last performance.’ I would stress the importance and meaning of this quote to my friend. Hopefully, by this time, my friend will have become a much more superior employee, and maybe will have earned a job recommendation from me. Despite these facts, this is not the final step.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement and appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“Not to get him away from me, but to allow him to find something that he truly enjoy. Again, I would not set my friend up for failure by approving him for a job that he more than likely would not enjoy, eventually lading to a decline in work effort as he exhibited at his previous employer.”)

Model Essay

Friends are very important in life, but at certain instances, friends can be a burden. If a lazy, irresponsible friend wants a job where you work, giving them a recommendation is a bad idea. That would only give you a bad reputation. Instead, you should talk to your friend and convince them that the job isn't right for them and possibly even help them find a different job. This solution will not hinder your friendship, but it also won't put your job in jeopardy.

Recently, my friend has asked me to get her a job where I am employed. Knowing that my friend does not have a good work ethic and is lazy I have been thinking very hard on how to handle this situation with no hurt feelings. By giving my friend a good recommendation I could be putting my job on the line if she does not work to her full potential. It wouldn't be fair to jeopardize my job in which I work really hard at for my friend, who doesn't put much effort in her work. This is a very hard situation to go through especially if you really care about your friend and you want to help them.

A good solution to my problem is to convince her that my job isn't for her. Explain to her what it involves and how much work it is. Also tell her the consequences if she doesn't work up to her standards and doesn't do her job. With this information and convincing her that this is not the right job for her, I am going to help her look and hopefully find another job. By doing this I can still help her get a job to get obtain the money she needs while not letting her ruin my reputation and progress. That way she won't feel like I don't care about her and like I don't want to help her, this will show that I do care and am considerate. According to me this is the best way to keep a situation low key and not hurt anybody while still helping my friend in need of a job.

My friend will appreciate my help in finding her another job without really understanding that I didn't trust her to work with me and without having to put a good word in about her. She will hopefully find a job that better fits her and will provide her with her needs. Also by finding a job meant for her maybe she would work to her potential. Then it could become a long term job where if she worked with me or got a job just to have one in order to receive money.

I would hope that you never have to be in this situation however, if you are it is important that your friend remains happy while you don't hurt your future in benefiting them. Just always remember that your goal is to keep everything calm and not hurt anybody. You should always come first when it comes to your career or future. However, whenever you can you should help your friends and show that you care. Keep in mind that you might need the same help someday because you never know what the future holds for you.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The thesis statement asserts the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view of the writer adequately. (“Friends are very important in life, but at certain instances, friends can be a burden. If a lazy, irresponsible friend wants a job where you work, giving them a recommendation is a bad idea. That would only give you a bad reputation. Instead, you should talk to your friend and convince them that the job isn't right for them and possibly even help them find a different job. This solution will not hinder your friendship, but it also won't put your job in jeopardy.”)

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The essay is devoted to informing the readers about an awkward scenario and the writer’s take on how it can be resolved with friendships intact. (“A

good solution to my problem is to convince her that my job isn't for her. Explain to her what it involves and how much work it is. Also tell her the consequences if she doesn't work up to her standards and doesn't do her job. With this information and convincing her that this is not the right job for her, I am going to help her look and hopefully find another job. By doing this I can still help her get a job to get obtain the money she needs while not letting her ruin my reputation and progress. That way she won't feel like I don't care about her and like I don't want to help her, this will show that I do care and am considerate. According to me this is the best way to keep a situation low key and not hurt anybody while still helping my friend in

need of a job.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“My friend will appreciate my help in finding her another job without really understanding that I didn't trust her to work with me and without having to put a good word in about her. She will hopefully find a job that better fits her and will provide her with her needs. Also by finding a job meant for her maybe she would work to her potential. Then it could become a long term job where if she worked with me or got a job just to have one in order to receive money.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support.

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“A good solution to my problem is to convince her that my job isn't for her. Explain to her what it involves and how much work it is. Also tell her the consequences if she doesn't work up to her standards and doesn't do her job. With this information and convincing her that this is not the right job for her, I am going to help her look and hopefully find another job. By doing this I can still help her get a job to get obtain the money she needs while not letting her ruin my reputation and progress.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. However, providing more specific details would enhance the writer’s message. (“Recently, my friend has asked me to get her a job where I am employed. Knowing that my friend does not have a good work ethic and is lazy I have been thinking very hard on how to handle this situation with no hurt feelings. By giving my friend a good recommendation I could be putting my job on the line if she does not work to her full potential. It wouldn't be fair to jeopardize my job in which I work really hard at for my friend, who doesn't put much

effort in her work.”)

The writer provides some personal advice that is relevant. (“I would hope that you never have to be in this situation however, if you are it is important that your friend remains happy while you don't hurt your future in benefiting them. Just always remember that your goal is to keep everything calm and not hurt anybody. You should always come first when it comes to your career or future. However, whenever you can you

should help your friends and show that you care. Keep in mind that you might need the same help someday because you never know what the future holds for you.”)

Organization

The beginning of the essay demonstrates an adequate attempt to describe an uncomfortable scenario

between friends and the possible solution to be explored. (“Friends are very important in life, but at certain instances, friends can be a burden. If a lazy, irresponsible friend wants a job where you work, giving them a recommendation is a bad idea. That would only give you a bad reputation. Instead, you should talk to your friend and convince them that the job isn't right for them and possibly even help them find a different job. This solution will not hinder your friendship, but it also won't put your job in jeopardy.”)

Subtle transitions are used to connect ideas. (“Recently, my friend has asked me to get her a job where I am employed. Knowing that my friend does not have a good work ethic and is lazy I have been thinking very hard on how to handle this situation with no hurt feelings. By giving my friend a good

recommendation I could be putting my job on the line if she does not work to her full potential.”) The writer should incorporate more transitions to connect the ideas in a more meaningful way.

The writer’s conclusion provides a sense of closure and offers words of wisdom that readers may reflect upon as the essay comes to a close. (“I would hope that you never have to be in this situation however, if you are it is important that your friend remains happy while you don't hurt your future in benefiting them. Just always remember that your goal is to keep everything calm and not hurt anybody. You should always come first when it comes to your career or future. However, whenever you can you should help your friends and show that you care. Keep in mind that you might need the same help someday because you never know what the future holds for you.”)

Language Use & Style

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“Recently, my friend has asked me to get her a job where I am employed. Knowing that my friend does not have a good work ethic and is lazy I have been thinking very hard on how to handle this situation with no hurt feelings. By giving my friend a good

recommendation I could be putting my job on the line if she does not work to her full potential.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the response. The writer provides language that adequately describes the struggle to balance friendship with an awkward request to recommend a friend for a job he/she is clearly not well suited to pursue. (“My friend will appreciate my help in finding her another job without really understanding that I didn't trust her to work with me and without having to put a good word in about her. She will hopefully find a job that better fits her and will provide her with her needs. Also by finding a job meant for her maybe she would work to her potential. Then it could become a long term job where if she worked with me or got a job just to have one in order to receive money.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the essay. (“A good solution to my problem is to convince her that my job isn't for her. Explain to her what it involves and how much work it is. Also tell her the consequences if she doesn't work up to her standards and doesn't do her job. With this information and convincing her that this is not the right job for her, I am going to help her look and hopefully find another job. By doing this I can still help her get a job to get obtain the money she needs while not letting her ruin my reputation and progress. That way she won't feel like I don't care about her and like I don't want to help her, this will show that I do care and am considerate.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure that sentences have subject-verb agreement, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences begin with capital letters, word selections are spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs are indicated with line breaks. (“My friend will appreciate my help in finding her another job without really understanding that I didn't trust her to work with me and without having to put a good word in about her. She will hopefully find a job that better fits her and will provide her with her needs. Also by finding a job meant for her maybe she would work to her potential.”)

Model Essay

"I'm really sorry, but I just can't".... "well, there's alot at stake if I do give a recommendation for you,"... "ok by then." There is no way I can help her out this time. Well, I guess the only thing i can do now is explain why I said no, try and suggest another job, and help her find that job.

ok, the first thing i need to do, is explain to her why I can't give her a recommendation. What are the obvious reasons? Well, I know she isn't a very efficient worker ,then my reputation could be at stake. So, if she didn't work as efficiently as I would say she did, I'd of course get in trouble. And if I got in trouble for lying and saying she was a good worker, I could possibly lose my job!! Then we'd both be looking for jobs.

Next, I could probably suggest some other jobs she'd probably be more suited for. I know she'd rather be outside, than be stuck inside some greasy, fast food restaurant, flipping burgers. Instead she could probably go around her neighborhood, offering to rake leaves and cut grass or maybe even a dog walking service.

And finally, I can help her narrow down that list of suggestions to her best match. Well, I know she doesn't have as long of an attention span one would need to do yard work very long, so dog walking would for sure be her best match.

So in the end, I ended up saying no to the recommendation. there was to much at stake as in terms of me keeping my own job, I even came up with a list of other things she could do, and I'm going to help her narrow it down to the she'd more than likely do best at. "okay so know I definitely can't put in a recommendation for you, but i came up with a whole list of other things you'd probably do better at,"..." yeah I'll come over to your house tomorrow, so we can look through it and find the best one," ..."alright then I'll see you tomorrow, bye."

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the essay. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides limited descriptions and details that may not give the readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Only some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The essay states the controlling idea in a very limited way. (“There is no way I can help her out this time. Well, I guess the only thing i can do now is explain why I said no, try and suggest another job, and help her find that job.”)

The writer’s focus is limited. The writer focuses on providing his/her friend with employment alternatives, but the descriptions are limited at best. (“Next, I could probably suggest some other jobs she'd probably be

more suited for. I know she'd rather be outside, than be stuck inside some greasy, fast food restaurant, flipping burgers. Instead she could probably go around her neighborhood, offering to rake leaves and cut grass or maybe even a dog walking service.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the essay and should include more meaningful details to illustrate his/her objections to recommending this friend to the company. Including specific examples of his/her

friend’s limited work ethic would help the readers picture the subject of the essay in their minds. (“Well, I know she isn't a very efficient worker ,then my reputation could be at stake.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The essay develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support.

The essay uses limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“ok, the first thing i need to do, is explain to her why I can't give her a recommendation. What are the obvious reasons? Well, I know she isn't a very efficient worker ,then my reputation could be at stake. So, if she didn't work as efficiently as I would say she did, I'd of course get in trouble. And if I got in trouble for lying and saying she was a good worker, I

could possibly lose my job!! Then we'd both be looking for jobs.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. (“And finally, I can help her narrow down that list of suggestions to her best match. Well, I know she doesn't have as long of an attention span one would need to do yard work very long, so dog walking would for sure be her best match.”)

The explanations and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“Next, I could probably suggest some other jobs she'd probably be more suited for. I know she'd rather be outside, than be stuck inside some greasy, fast food restaurant, flipping burgers. Instead she could probably go

around her neighborhood, offering to rake leaves and cut grass or maybe even a dog walking service.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a limited introduction. The writer discloses a brief conversation that alludes to a request from a friend; however, with limited background information and descriptive details, the readers

struggle to picture the exact scenario in their minds. (“‘I'm really sorry, but I just can't’ ‘well, there's alot

at stake if I do give a recommendation for you,’ ‘ok by then.’ There is no way I can help her out this time.

Well, I guess the only thing i can do now is explain why I said no, try and suggest another job, and help her find that job.”)

Although transitions are evident in the essay, stronger transitions between paragraphs and sentences are needed to enhance the flow of the writer’s ideas. (“And finally, I can help her narrow down that list of

suggestions to her best match. Well, I know she doesn't have as long of an attention span one would need to do yard work very long, so dog walking would for sure be her best match.”)

Although the conclusion of the essay provides the readers with a sense of closure, it includes a limited summary of the main ideas and leaves readers with very little to consider as the essay comes to a close.

(“So in the end, I ended up saying no to the recommendation. there was to much at stake as in terms of me keeping my own job, I even came up with a list of other things she could do, and I'm going to help her narrow it down to the she'd more than likely do best at. ‘okay so know I definitely can't put in a

recommendation for you, but i came up with a whole list of other things you'd probably do better at,’ ’

yeah I'll come over to your house tomorrow, so we can look through it and find the best one,’ ’alright

then I'll see you tomorrow, bye.’”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates a limited use of language, voice, and style. The essay reveals simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, the word selections are repetitive and, consequently, they do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

There are run-on sentences in the essay. (“So in the end, I ended up saying no to the recommendation. there was to much at stake as in terms of me keeping my own job, I even came up with a list of other things she could do, and I'm going to help her narrow it down to the she'd more than likely do best at.”)

Many of the writer’s ideas are presented in a very repetitive way. (“ok, the first thing i need to do, is explain to her why I can't give her a recommendation. What are the obvious reasons? Well, I know she isn't a very efficient worker ,then my reputation could be at stake. So, if she didn't work as efficiently as I would say she did, I'd of course get in trouble. And if I got in trouble for lying and saying she was a good worker, I could possibly lose my job!! Then we'd both be looking for jobs.”)

The sentences are too informal and the word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“And finally, I can help her narrow down that list of

suggestions to her best match. Well, I know she doesn't have as long of an attention span one would need to do yard work very long, so dog walking would for sure be her best match.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, begin each sentence with a capital letter, indicate new paragraphs with line breaks, check for correct spelling of words, and ensure proper usage of words within the context of sentences. (“‘okay so know I definitely can't put in a recommendation for you, but i came up with a whole list of other things you'd probably do better at,’...’ yeah I'll come over to your house tomorrow, so we can look through it and find the best one, ‘...’alright then I'll see you tomorrow, bye.’”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

If I had a friend who wanted a job I would help them. Even if I knew they weren't good enough. I would tell them that if their willing to change I would help them. The only reasons I would help them is because if I was in that situation I would want my friend to help me. Or at least tell me what I can do to become better.

I would help my friend first by telling them how they can change. I would start them at the job and tell other employees to help her or him.I would find out what their good at and help them with a recommendation for another job. I would also help them with what type of job to choose and how to be come more effective on a job. Also how to be responsible and do everything when it's told and how it was taught. I would my friend because he or she probably won't find another person who is willing to help them become better. And everyone needs to start somewhere. So I will help them get a head start in the business so they know what their getting in too.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. The writer suggests a controlling idea but demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. As a result, the writer completes few parts of the task.

The essay only minimally states a central/controlling idea. (“If I had a friend who wanted a job I would help them. Even if I knew they weren't good enough. I would tell them that if their willing to change I would help them.”) The writer misses the opportunity to elaborate on the explicit request of the friend and the reasons he/she would provide assistance. Providing more details at every turn in a response creates a richly textured message that gives the readers a clear picture of the situation and the resolution.

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give the readers a true sense of the writer’s friend and his/her specific request. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“I would help my friend first by telling them how they can change. I would start them at the job and tell other employees to help her or him.”)

Details are minimally developed. (“Also how to be responsible and do everything when it's told and how it was taught. I would my friend because he or she probably won't find another person who is willing to help them become better. And everyone needs to start somewhere.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s thesis statement. (“I would tell them that if their willing to change I would help them. The only reasons I would help them is because if I was in that

situation I would want my friend to help me. Or at least tell me what I can do to become better.”)

In this two-paragraph essay, the writer does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“Also how to be responsible and do everything when it's told and how it was taught. I would my friend because he or she probably won't find another person who is willing to help them become better. And everyone needs to start somewhere. So I will help them get a head start in the business so they know what their getting in

too.”)

Details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“I would find out what their good at and help them with a recommendation for another job. I would also help them with what type of job to choose and how to be come more effective on a job.”)

Organization

The essay’s organization is minimal. The writer provides an opening that minimally reveals the purpose of the prompt task. The response lacks effective transitional devices and paragraphing; furthermore, the essay demonstrates little evidence of a strong ending.

The essay does little to capture the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“If I had a friend who wanted a job I would help them. Even if I knew they weren't good enough.”)

There is little evidence of transitional devices to help connect ideas. (“I would help my friend first by telling them how they can change. I would start them at the job and tell other employees to help her or him.I would find out what their good at and help them with a recommendation for another job. I would also help them with what type of job to choose and how to be come more effective on a job.”)

The essay does not attempt to include a strong conclusion. (“So I will help them get a head start in the business so they know what their getting in too.”)

Language Use & Style

The lengths of the sentences are short and, in some cases, fragmented. (“Also how to be responsible and do everything when it's told and how it was taught. I would my friend because he or she probably won't find

another person who is willing to help them become better. And everyone needs to start somewhere.”)

Exact words are missing, which can affect meaning. (“I would my friend because he or she probably won't find another person who is willing to help them become better.”)

The writer does not include variety in sentences. For example, many sentences begin with “I would” and give the response a repetitive tone. (“I would start them at the job and tell other employees to help her or him.I would find out what their good at and help them with a recommendation for another job. I would also help them with what type of job to choose and how to be come more effective on a job.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized essay. (“I would tell them that if their willing to change I would help them. The only reasons I would help them is because if I was in that situation I would want my friend to help me.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

In this situation i would basically tell my friend to focus on the work and nothing else because what you do affect the both of us. This would be hard to understand because i am a really good friend and dont want to loose a good friend.My work ethic would help that particular person understand why they have to do this for the both of us because we need the money and after all he or she is a close friend and i dont want to hurt them at all.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“My work ethic would help that particular person understand why they have to do this for the both of us because we need the money and after all he or she is a close friend and i dont want to hurt them at all.”)

The essay states a central/controlling idea but does not develop it adequately through examples and

descriptive details. (“In this situation i would basically tell my friend to focus on the work and nothing else because what you do affect the both of us.”)

The essay’s lack of specific details renders the writer’s message ineffective and incomplete. (“This would be hard to understand because i am a really good friend and dont want to loose a good friend.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer neglects to develop ideas, using no details for support.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“This would be hard to understand because i am a really good friend and dont want to loose a good friend.”)

In this one-paragraph response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs. At least three main ideas should be included as evidence. (“In this situation i would basically tell my friend to focus on the work and nothing else because what you do affect the both of us. This would be hard to understand because i am a really good friend and dont want to loose a good friend.My work ethic would help that particular person understand why they have to do this for the both of us because we need the money and after all he or she is a close friend and i dont want to hurt them at all.”)

Details are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Details could include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations to bring the writer’s ideas to life. (“In this situation i would basically tell my friend to focus on the work and nothing else because what you do affect the both of us.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate as well. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure, introduction, or conclusion. There is also no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay does not take hold of the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“In this situation i would

basically tell my friend to focus on the work and nothing else because what you do affect the both of us.”)

Transitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“This would be hard to understand because i am a really good friend and dont want to loose a good friend.My work ethic would help that particular person understand why they have to do this for the both of us because we need the money and after all he or she is a close friend and i dont want to hurt them at all.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“My work ethic would help that particular person understand why they have to do this for the both of us because we need the money and after all he or she is a close friend and i dont want to hurt them at all.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s language use and style are inadequate. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on sentences in the response. (“My work ethic would help that particular person understand why they have to do this for the both of us because we need the money and after all he or she is a close friend and i dont want to hurt them at all.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“This would be hard to understand because i am a really good friend and dont want to loose a good friend.”)

The writer relies on simple sentences and word choices. (“In this situation i would basically tell my friend to focus on the work and nothing else because what you do affect the both of us.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

understand because i am a really good friend and dont want to loose a good friend.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Think about your most recent meal at your favorite restaurant. What were the positive and negative aspects of the meal? How could the restaurant further improve its food and service?

Write a letter to the manager of your favorite restaurant in which you provide comments and suggestions regarding the restaurant, service, or food. As you write your letter, be sure to use a format and tone appropriate for a business letter.

Model Essay

54 York Avenue

Haddonfellow, CA 90561

Joe’s Lounge 24 Maple St.

Neartown, CA 90562 Dear Sir/Madam:

I attended the Joe’s Lounge at 11:00 a.m. on December 6, 2007. I was delighted to have finally made a reservation; the restaurant had been booked full for an entire week! Upon entering the cozy restaurant, my attention was riveted on its modern interior design. Rich, red curtains draped the tinted windows while pure, white tables peppered the dining area. The city lights shone through softly and muddled. Once my eyes adjusted to the lighting, the perfumed scent of rose petals tickled my nose. The fragrance permeated throughout the room, mixing with wafts of perfectly roasted meat.

Initially, a friendly, young waitress greeted me and directed me to the waiting area. I was asked to wait while she found an available table. I complied good-naturedly, for then I could indulge in the tranquil atmosphere. After seating myself in an inviting, squashed armchair, I closed my eyes and focused on the sultry tunes of live jazz performers. The gentle clinking of dainty silverware occasionally punctured the peace. A short five minutes passed before I was led to my table and introduced to my waiter, Pierre. He was clean and neat, with a crisp uniform and sharply parted hair. His most peculiar feature was his stiff, straight mustache; it looked as if he trimmed it using a ruler for reference. Pierre donned a classy gold monocle on his right eye. He was cold and demeaning, only talking to me in curt sentences. I could not help feeling like a speck of filth on Pierre’s immaculately shiny loafers. Nevertheless, I dismissed his condescending

attitude and ordered my meal.

Surprisingly, dinner was most disappointing; a disaster, to say the least. I ordered gazpacho as an appetizer. Excited by the sweet aromas in the air, I envisioned a beautiful mesh of tomatoes bejeweled with perfectly seasoned vegetables. My appetizer was served within ten minutes, and I was pleased with the fast service. However, the service proved too good to be true. Instead of the decadent red of healthy tomatoes, my soup was a ruddy brown. The vegetables were also inky brown. Amazingly, the nasty look of the soup was not the end to my horror. The worst problem with it was the chunks of ice and frozen vegetables in it. True, gazpacho is served cold...frozen solid pieces of tomato and zucchini, however, are absolutely ridiculous.

My main course was no better than the first course. Pierre brought out a steaming platter of salmon, twenty minutes after I had first received the gazpacho. He left as soon as the plate touched my table. To avoid a public disturbance, I decided to complain about my terrible appetizer later on. Instead, I turned to the delectable fish before me. It took complete willpower to ignore its bright, lemony aroma. Cautiously, I prodded it with a slender fork. The supple meat reformed resiliently. I was dying of anticipation and dug into the tender, fleshy salmon.

Predictably, my happiness turned into ire the second the salmon entered my mouth. It was actually dry as sandpaper, and dreadfully tough. I was chewing on rubber, not on salmon! I could not stand the mutilation of good food, if it could have been flawlessly cooked. Pierre exited the kitchens as I forcefully slammed my utensils on the table. An expert at sensing a commotion, Pierre whipped to my side in an instant. I unleashed my wrath on him, reiterating the details of my appalling dinner. (Of course, I talked in harsh

whispers; I did not wish to ruin everyone else’s night.) My rant was met by Pierre’s impassive face. He looked me over and repudiated my objections in his thick, French accent. Then, he handed me the bill and threatened that I should pay or have security escort me out. I threw down my money and begrudgingly stomped out of the room.

Overall, going to the Joe’s Lounge was the worst dining experience I have ever had. My high expectations were shattered by awful food and even poorer service. I had painstakingly learned that looks can be deceiving. There is no doubt in my mind that a myriad of other customers have suffered the same

disrespectful and frustrating treatment when they dined at the Joe’s Lounge. I have thus decided to sue this establishment. Joe’s Lounge should anticipate a meeting with my lawyer.

Thoroughly displeased, Marie Little

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning provided in the essay response is very effective. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

The essay grabs readers’ attention by very effectively drawing readers into a scenario in the restaurant. As the story unfolds, the essay reveals the positive expectations and negative results experienced in the

restaurant. (“I attended the Joe’s Lounge at 11:00 a.m. on December 6, 2007. I was delighted to have finally made a reservation; the restaurant had been booked full for an entire week! Upon entering the cozy restaurant, my attention was riveted on its modern interior design. Rich, red curtains draped the tinted windows while pure, white tables peppered the dining area. The city lights shone through softly and muddled. Once my eyes adjusted to the lighting, the perfumed scent of rose petals tickled my nose. The fragrance permeated throughout the room, mixing with wafts of perfectly roasted meat.”)

The writer slowly reveals details that turn his or her positive expectations into negative experiences. All of the details used in the essay relate to the purpose of the business letter. (“Surprisingly, dinner was most disappointing; a disaster, to say the least. I ordered gazpacho as an appetizer. Excited by the sweet aromas in the air, I envisioned a beautiful mesh of tomatoes bejeweled with perfectly seasoned vegetables. My appetizer was served within ten minutes, and I was pleased with the fast service. However, the service proved too good to be true. Instead of the decadent red of healthy tomatoes, my soup was a ruddy brown.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the purpose of the letter with details about the positive and negative aspects of the restaurant. (“I complied good-naturedly, for then I could indulge in the tranquil atmosphere. After seating myself in an inviting, squashed armchair, I closed my eyes and focused on the sultry tunes of live jazz performers. The gentle clinking of dainty silverware occasionally punctured the peace. A short five minutes passed before I was led to my table and introduced to my waiter, Pierre. He was clean and neat, with a crisp uniform and sharply parted hair. His most peculiar feature was his stiff, straight mustache; it looked as if he trimmed it using a ruler for reference. Pierre donned a classy gold monocle on his right eye. He was cold and demeaning, only talking to me in curt sentences.”)

Content & Development

The writer exhibits very effective development of main ideas and develops these ideas skillfully and specifically. The writer gives readers a descriptive tale that weaves positive expectations with ultimate

disappointments. The writer provides relevant, supporting details that give readers a clear picture of what happens to the writer in the restaurant.

Relevant points explain and illustrate the positive expectations of the writer and ultimate disappointments very effectively. (“Predictably, my happiness turned into ire the second the salmon entered my mouth. It was actually dry as sandpaper, and dreadfully tough. I was chewing on rubber, not on salmon! I could not stand the mutilation of good food, if it could have been flawlessly cooked.”)

Throughout the essay, the supporting details develop the examples well. (“Instead of the decadent red of healthy tomatoes, my soup was a ruddy brown. The vegetables were also inky brown. Amazingly, the nasty look of the soup was not the end to my horror. The worst problem with it was the chunks of ice and frozen vegetables in it. True, gazpacho is served cold...frozen solid pieces of tomato and zucchini, however, are

absolutely ridiculous.”)

The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain the paragraph’s main idea. (“I unleashed my wrath on him, reiterating the details of my appalling dinner. (Of course, I talked in harsh whispers; I did not wish to ruin everyone else’s night.) My rant was met by Pierre’s impassive face. He looked me over and repudiated my objections in his thick, French accent. Then, he handed me the bill and threatened that I should pay or have security escort me out. I threw down my money and begrudgingly

stomped out of the room.”)

Organization

The ideas presented in the essay are very effectively organized. The writer demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. There is effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout the response.

The introduction richly describes the setting and reveals the excitement the writer experiences entering the dining establishment. By doing this, readers are engaged from the very beginning of the essay and are encouraged to continue reading to see if the letter will reveal a positive or negative experience. (“I was delighted to have finally made a reservation; the restaurant had been booked full for an entire week! Upon entering the cozy restaurant, my attention was riveted on its modern interior design. Rich, red curtains draped the tinted windows while pure, white tables peppered the dining area. The city lights shone through softly and muddled. Once my eyes adjusted to the lighting, the perfumed scent of rose petals tickled my nose.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“Excited by the sweet aromas in the air, I envisioned a beautiful mesh of tomatoes bejeweled with perfectly seasoned vegetables. My appetizer was served within ten minutes, and I was pleased with the fast service. However, the service proved too good to be true. Instead of the decadent red of healthy tomatoes, my soup was a ruddy brown. The vegetables were also inky brown. Amazingly, the nasty look of the soup was not the end to my horror.”)

The conclusion shares a lesson learned and summarizes the main points of the essay very effectively. (“Overall, going to the Joe’s Lounge was the worst dining experience I have ever had. My high

expectations were shattered by awful food and even poorer service. I had painstakingly learned that looks can be deceiving. There is no doubt in my mind that a myriad of other customers have suffered the same disrespectful and frustrating treatment when they dined at the Joe’s Lounge. I have thus decided to sue this establishment. Joe’s Lounge should anticipate a meeting with my lawyer.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is very effective. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choice, a confident, defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. The essay also exhibits well-structured and varied sentences that make the response interesting and engaging.

The language and tone of the examples are consistent. The writer skillfully balances expectations with the disappointing realities of the actual experience dining in the restaurant. (“A short five minutes passed before I was led to my table and introduced to my waiter, Pierre. He was clean and neat, with a crisp uniform and sharply parted hair. His most peculiar feature was his stiff, straight mustache; it looked as if he trimmed it using a ruler for reference. Pierre donned a classy gold monocle on his right eye. He was cold and demeaning, only talking to me in curt sentences. I could not help feeling like a speck of filth on

Pierre’s immaculately shiny loafers. Nevertheless, I dismissed his condescending attitude and ordered my meal.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“Overall, going to the Joe’s Lounge was the worst dining experience I have ever had. My high expectations were shattered by awful food and even poorer service. I had painstakingly learned that looks can be deceiving.”)

The writer chooses sophisticated words to showcase the experience in the restaurant very effectively. (“To avoid a public disturbance, I decided to complain about my terrible appetizer later on. Instead, I turned to the delectable fish before me. It took complete willpower to ignore its bright, lemony aroma. Cautiously, I prodded it with a slender fork. The supple meat reformed resiliently. I was dying of anticipation and dug into the tender, fleshy salmon. Predictably, my happiness turned into ire the second the salmon entered my mouth. It was actually dry as sandpaper, and dreadfully tough. I was chewing on rubber, not on salmon! I

could not stand the mutilation of good food, if it could have been flawlessly cooked.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is very effective control of conventions and mechanics in the response. The essay reveals few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling.

The essay contains sentences with subject-verb agreement, appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of words, and line breaks to separate the introductory, body, and concluding

paragraphs. (“I complied good-naturedly, for then I could indulge in the tranquil atmosphere. After seating myself in an inviting, squashed armchair, I closed my eyes and focused on the sultry tunes of live jazz performers. The gentle clinking of dainty silverware occasionally punctured the peace. A short five minutes passed before I was led to my table and introduced to my waiter, Pierre.”)

Model Essay

Manager of Buffalo Daffodil,

I would like to congratulate your restaurant on the excellent food and service! I recently ate at the

Buffalo Daffodil with my family and we truly enjoyed our time spent there! As we arrived, I was a little hesitant about going in; there were few cars parked out front and the weather was pretty nasty. However, we all bundled up and decided to take a look inside and we were sure glad we did!

We were greeted warmly by a waitress with a sparkling personality! What a treat that was! She led us to our table and immediately treated us like royalty sitting on the throne! We were all so impressed by her manners and how well she seemed to handle every situation. If there was any problem at all, she just smiled and took care of the situation right away.

The food was also superior! Upon looking through the menu, my family found many things sounding extremely delicious. It was so hard to pick one! Seeing that we were ready to order, our waitress quickly bounded over to our table to take our orders, we weren’t even waiting a minute. Once we ordered and the waitress had left, we sat and chatted about family matters. While talking amongst ourselves, we heard Christmas music being played softly over a speaker. It was beautiful! It set the whole night up beautifully!

The music made Buffalo Daffodil seem welcoming and reaffirmed our decision to dine there. The selection of the music was perfect! The carefully selected music wasn’t too heavy or loud; it was just what we all needed to put us in a festive mood!

In only a matter of a few minutes, our food arrived. Once again, we were impressed by the hefty portions we were served. Upon eating, our wonderful waitress took excellent care of us and we enjoyed ourselves immensely! When we got the bill, we were all surprised to see it was less than what we had expected it to be. We had anticipated it to be much more. Congratulations! The entire evening was very well arranged and was very comfortable!

On the other hand, I would like to make a few points about elements that could be improved. There may not be much that you personally can do about it, but the location of Buffalo Daffodil is one of the main problems. I’m sure your restaurant would be much busier if you moved it to a more convenient location; more people would recognize it as a wonderful place to eat! A lot of people today just don’t want to drive out in the snow, especially if you are that far out of town; it’s a little inconvenient.

Since it would be very challenging to move the entire restaurant, I would suggest advertising more. My family had barely heard of it, let alone eaten there before. Just a few more advertisements in the newspaper and on the radio would bring business up significantly. Tell everyone you know about the restaurant! Make sure all your employees are telling their friends and families about this spectacular restaurant! Lastly, I hope that all of your waiters and waitresses are as friendly as the one that we were so privileged to have!

Thanks again for a magnificent night out! The food was delicious, the service was great, and the atmosphere was superb! Congratulations on a job well done!

Sincerely, Jane Smith

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates good focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience. In doing so, the writer completes most parts of the task.

The essay grabs readers’ attention by using an interesting statement in the beginning of the introduction.

(“I would like to congratulate your restaurant on the excellent food and service! I recently ate at the Buffalo Daffodil with my family and we truly enjoyed our time spent there! As we arrived, I was a little hesitant about going in; there were few cars parked out front and the weather was pretty nasty. However, we all bundled up and decided to take a look inside and we were sure glad we did!”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. (“We were greeted warmly by a waitress with a sparkling personality! What a treat that was! She led us to our table and immediately treated us like royalty sitting on the throne! We were all so impressed by her manners and how well she seemed to handle every situation. If there was any problem at all, she just smiled and took care of the situation right away. The food was also superior! Upon looking through the menu, my family found many things sounding extremely delicious…”)

The language of the examples supports the thesis very well. (“Once again we were impressed by the hefty portions we were served. Upon eating, our wonderful waitress took excellent care of us and we enjoyed ourselves immensely! When we got the bill, we were all surprised to see it was less than what we had

expected it to be. We had anticipated it to be much more.”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development to support the main ideas in the essay response. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient, appropriate details to support his/her ideas. Additionally, the writer creates balance by providing details that include both positive and negative aspects of the restaurant.

All of the writer’s supporting details develop the examples well. (“We were greeted warmly by a waitress with a sparkling personality! What a treat that was! She led us to our table and immediately treated us like royalty sitting on the throne! We were all so impressed by her manners and how well she seemed to handle every situation. If there was any problem at all, she just smiled and took care of the situation right away.”)

The content in the body paragraphs uses good details that explain the paragraph’s main idea. (“On the other hand, I would like to make a few points about elements that could be improved. There may not be much that you personally can do about it, but the location of Buffalo Daffodil is one of the main problems. I’m sure your restaurant would be much busier if you moved it to a more convenient location; more people would recognize it as a wonderful place to eat! A lot of people today just don’t want to drive out in the snow, especially if you are that far out of town; it’s a little inconvenient.”)

The details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“Once we ordered and the waitress had left, we sat and chatted about family matters. While talking amongst ourselves, we heard Christmas music being played softly over a speaker. It was beautiful! It set the whole night up beautifully! The music made Buffalo Daffodil seem welcoming and reaffirmed our decision to dine there. The selection of the music was perfect! The carefully selected music wasn’t too heavy or loud; it was just what we all needed to put us in a festive mood!”)

Organization

The writer provides good organization of ideas in the essay response. The essay displays a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing and subtle transitional devices throughout.

The introduction includes a good sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“I recently ate at the Buffalo Daffodil with my family and we truly enjoyed our time spent there! As we arrived, I was a little hesitant about going in; there were few cars parked out front and the weather was pretty nasty. However, we all bundled up and decided to take a look inside and we were sure glad we did!”)

The writer transitions from idea to idea in an effective, sequential way. (“In only a matter of a few minutes, our food arrived. Once again, we were impressed by the hefty portions we were served. Upon eating, our wonderful waitress took excellent care of us and we enjoyed ourselves immensely! When we got the bill, we were all surprised to see it was less than what we had expected it to be.”)

Although the conclusion is rather short, it summarizes the main points of the essay and could leave readers wanting to visit the restaurant in the future. (“Thanks again for a magnificent night out! The food was delicious, the service was great, and the atmosphere was superb! Congratulations on a job well done!

Sincerely, Jamie Smith”)

Language Use & Style

There is good use of language, voice, and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choices with good evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. There are well-structured sentences with some variety, which add to the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay response. The writer communicates a strong enthusiasm for the restaurant and the experience he/she had in the restaurant. This lends good voice to the overall message of the business letter. (“In only a matter of a few minutes, our food arrived. Once again, we were impressed by the hefty portions we were served. Upon eating, our wonderful waitress took

excellent care of us and we enjoyed ourselves immensely! When we got the bill, we were all surprised to see it was less than what we had expected it to be. We had anticipated it to be much more. Congratulations! The entire evening was very well arranged and was very comfortable!”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related. In essence, they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“As we arrived, I was a little hesitant about going in; there were few cars parked out front and the weather was pretty nasty. However, we all bundled up and decided to take a look inside and we were sure glad we did! We were greeted warmly by a waitress with a sparkling personality! What a treat that was! She led us to our table and immediately treated us like royalty sitting on the throne!”)

The writer selects relevant word choices to showcase the positive and negative aspects of the dining

experience at the restaurant. (“Since it would be very challenging to move the entire restaurant, I would suggest advertising more. My family had barely heard of it, let alone eaten there before. Just a few more advertisements in the newspaper and on the radio would bring business up significantly. Tell everyone you know about the restaurant! Make sure all your employees are telling their friends and families about this spectacular restaurant!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of conventions and mechanics in the essay response. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

The essay contains sentences with subject-verb agreement, appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and word usage, and line breaks to separate the introductory, body, and concluding

paragraphs. (“I would like to congratulate your restaurant on the excellent food and service! I recently ate at the Buffalo Daffodil with my family and we truly enjoyed our time spent there! As we arrived, I was a little hesitant about going in; there were few cars parked out front and the weather was pretty nasty.

However, we all bundled up and decided to take a look inside and we were sure glad we did!”)

Model Essay

Dear Mr. Hok Hon,

Your restaurant, The Honolulu Grill, is in fact, one of my favorite restaurants. I have been to the one in Saint Marcus, Alabama. I am writing to tell you how wonderful your food, service, and scenery are for your customers. I am happy to say I have never had a bad experience there and would recommend your restaurant to everyone I know.

One of the reasons why your restaurant is one of my favorites is because of the wonderful, authentic, tropical food that you make. The Spam Musubi is one of my favorite tropical foods. The spam, rice, and nori paper drowned in soy sauce, the dark crispy spam, wrapped in the nori paper, are to die for. Another one of my favorite tropical foods is the Kalu’a Pig. I love the sticky rice and cabbage you add to it. Your menu offers so many tempting choices that when I go there, it takes a long time for me to settle on which dish I will choose for that evening.

Another reason why your restaurant is one of my favorites is because of your workers. Your workers are the friendliest and most attentive I have ever met. I love the way they treat everyone, with respect and so much aloha, and it makes me feel like I am right back on the island. They are prompt with your orders and refilling drinks. The food comes on time and is served at the perfect temperature. The food never disappoints and captures the flavor of the islands. Their attention to everyone draws you in, and their enthusiasm makes you feel that they are glad you have come for the evening. My family never feels rushed and we can enjoy ourselves for as long as we care to.

Finally, the reason why your restaurant is one of my favorites is because of the scenery. I love the pictures you hang on the walls, and the decorations you have put up. The pictures are so vibrant and really capture the essence of the Hawaiian islands. The sunsets, the marine life, the historic locales, all captured for our viewing pleasure within the confines of the restaurant walls. Seeing those pictures reminds me of being on the island and sometimes I can hear the ocean and see the friendly faces of those I love. The palm trees in the waiting area are a nice touch and the white lights and stringed lanterns really set the mood for a tropical evening.

I hope this letter helps you to see how important your restaurant is to our community. The food, service, and scenery are so real and make you feel like you are a world away! It is such a thrill to know that I have an opportunity to go anywhere I would wish to go, even in the state of Alabama, and still know that I can enjoy those tropical foods which I had once enjoyed on the islands. I can enjoy the sights, sounds, and flavors of the islands without leaving my hometown. It is an island adventure without the airfare!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay displays adequate focus and meaning in the essay response. By establishing a controlling idea, the writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience and adequately completes many parts of the task.

The thesis states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. (“Your restaurant, The Honolulu Grill, is in fact, one of my favorite restaurants. I have been to the one in

Saint Marcus, Alabama. I am writing to tell you how wonderful your food, service, and scenery are for your customers. I am happy to say I have never had a bad experience there and would recommend your restaurant to everyone I know.”)

The essay understands the intended audience adequately. (“I hope this letter helps you to see how important your restaurant is to our community. The food, service, and scenery are so real and make you feel like you are a world away!”)

The writer maintains adequate focus throughout the essay with supporting details that reflect and enhance

the writer’s point of view during his/her experience at the dining establishment. (“The Spam Musubi is one of my favorite tropical foods. The spam, rice, and nori paper drowned in soy sauce, the dark crispy spam, wrapped in the nori paper, are to die for. Another one of my favorite tropical foods is the Kalu’a Pig. I love the sticky rice and cabbage you add to it. Your menu offers so many tempting choices that when I go there, it takes a long time for me to settle on which dish I will choose for that evening.”)

Content & Development

The writer’s development of supporting ideas using relevant examples is adequate. The writer sufficiently develops ideas, using appropriate details to support his/her ideas. This contributes to producing a response that adequately communicates the writer’s message to his/her intended audience.

The essay provides adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. For example, when the writer mentions the workers as being a big reason why the dining experience was such a positive one, he/she supports this with adequate details. (“Your workers are the friendliest and most attentive I have ever met. I love the way they treat everyone, with respect and so much aloha, and it makes me feel like I am right back on the island.

They are prompt with your orders and refilling drinks. The food comes on time and is served at the perfect temperature. The food never disappoints and captures the flavor of the islands. Their attention to everyone draws you in, and their enthusiasm makes you feel that they are glad you have come for the evening. My family never feels rushed and we can enjoy ourselves for as long as we care to.”)

All of the main ideas in the essay support the thesis of the writing response. (“One of the reasons why your restaurant is one of my favorites is because of the wonderful, authentic, tropical food that you make. The

Spam Musubi is one of my favorite tropical foods. The spam, rice, and nori paper drowned in soy sauce, the dark crispy spam, wrapped in the nori paper, are to die for. Another one of my favorite tropical foods is the Kalu’a Pig. I love the sticky rice and cabbage you add to it. Your menu offers so many tempting choices that when I go there, it takes a long time for me to settle on which dish I will choose for that

evening.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. At least three details are stated about each main idea. (“Finally, the reason why your restaurant is one of my

favorites is because of the scenery. I love the pictures you hang on the walls, and the decorations you have put up. The pictures are so vibrant and really capture the essence of the Hawaiian islands. The sunsets, the marine life, the historic locales, all captured for our viewing pleasure within the confines of the restaurant walls. Seeing those pictures reminds me of being on the island and sometimes I can hear the ocean and see the friendly faces of those I love. The palm trees in the waiting area are a nice touch and the white lights

and stringed lanterns really set the mood for a tropical evening.”)

Organization

There is adequate organization of content in the essay response. The writer demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. The adequate use of paragraphing is evident. The writer should incorporate more effective transitional devices throughout the response to enhance the flow of ideas presented in the essay.

The essay demonstrates a good introduction with an adequate thesis statement at the end. (“Your restaurant, The Honolulu Grill, is in fact, one of my favorite restaurants. I have been to the one in Saint Marcus, Alabama. I am writing to tell you how wonderful your food, service, and scenery are for

your customers. I am happy to say I have never had a bad experience there and would recommend your restaurant to everyone I know.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used inconsistently in the task response. The writer should integrate more effective transitions throughout the essay to move easier from one idea to

another. (“Finally, the reason why your restaurant is one of my favorites is because of the scenery. I love the pictures you hang on the walls, and the decorations you have put up. The pictures are so vibrant and really capture the essence of the Hawaiian islands.”)

The essay demonstrates a conclusion that ties the whole letter together. At the end of the response, it is

evident that the writer would return to the restaurant and recommend it to others as well. (“I hope this letter helps you to see how important your restaurant is to our community. The food, service, and scenery are so real and make you feel like you are a world away! It is such a thrill to know that I have an opportunity to go anywhere I would wish to go, even in the state of Alabama, and still know that I can enjoy those tropical foods which I had once enjoyed on the islands. I can enjoy the sights, sounds, and flavors of the islands

without leaving my hometown. It is an island adventure without the airfare!”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style by the writer is adequate in the essay response. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. Additionally, the use of correct sentence structure with some variety is also evident.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“The pictures are so vibrant and really capture the essence of the Hawaiian islands. The sunsets, the marine life, the historic locales, all captured for our viewing pleasure within the confines of the restaurant walls. Seeing those pictures reminds me of being on the island and sometimes I can hear the ocean and see the friendly faces of those I love.”)

Word choices are appropriate for the subject matter in the prompt task. (“I hope this letter helps you to see how important your restaurant is to our community. The food, service, and scenery are so real and make you feel like you are a world away!”)

The writer exhibits sufficient voice and style so that readers are convinced that dining at this restaurant would be a positive experience. (“It is such a thrill to know that I have an opportunity to go anywhere I would wish to go, even in the state of Alabama, and still know that I can enjoy those tropical foods which I had once enjoyed on the islands. I can enjoy the sights, sounds, and flavors of the islands without leaving my hometown. It is an island adventure without the airfare!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The adequate control of conventions and mechanics is evident in the essay response. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the

communication of the writer’s message.

The writer adequately ensures that sentences have subject-verb agreement, appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and word usage, and line breaks to separate supporting paragraphs. (“I hope this letter helps you to see how important your restaurant is to our community. The food, service, and scenery are so real and make you feel like you are a world away! It is such a thrill to know that I have an opportunity to go anywhere I would wish to go, even in the state of Alabama, and still know that I can enjoy those tropical foods which I had once enjoyed on the islands. I can enjoy the sights, sounds, and

flavors of the islands without leaving my hometown. It is an island adventure without the airfare!”)

Model Essay

Ladies and Gentlemen

Last week I ate at your restaurant "Frank’s". It was Thursday night and the Thursday’s personal was very friendly. But compared to other days it took longer to make my favorite food, Curly Fries. Normally I have to wait about 7 minutes, but that day it took about 15 minutes. It wasn’t that big of a deal though, because I went there with my best friend Anna and we had a lot to talk about so I didn’t even notice that it took that long. But after about 12 minutes my mother called me on my cellphone to tell me that I have to go home. Normally I would have been on my way home already, but because it took so long I was late.

When I finally got my curly fries I needed to run home.

Now I want to tell you some suggestions to improve your food or service. Sometimes it is really annoying that you don’t have a bathroom, since I stay a lot of time at your restaurant a restroom would be really helpful. Besides I like it to wash my hands before and after eating so I think a bathroom is absolutely needed.

Well I don’t have that many suggestion for your food because I think it is already very good. I personally don’t really like cheese but you have a lot of food without cheese not like many other restaurants. So maybe you will consider to change a few things i told you. But I want to repeat that your restaurant is already very nice and it is my favorite.

Sincerely Sally Jones

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning provided in the essay are limited. The writer establishes a controlling idea but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience, and the response addresses some parts of the task.

The essay states the limited central/controlling idea of the essay. (“Last week I ate at your restaurant "Frank’s". It was Thursday night and the Thursday’s personal was very friendly. But compared to other days it took longer to make my favorite food, Curly Fries.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make ideas clear and convincing. (“Normally I have to wait about 7 minutes, but that day it took about 15 minutes. It wasn’t that big of a deal though, because I went there with my best friend Anna and we had a lot to talk about so I didn’t even notice that it took that long.”) The writer’s details are often contradictory

and serve to confuse readers as to the position the writer is asserting in the letter to the restaurant manager.

The writer maintains limited focus on the opinion of his/her experience at the restaurant. (“Well I don’t have that many suggestion for your food because I think it is already very good. I personally don’t really like cheese but you have a lot of food without cheese not like many other restaurants.”)

Content & Development

There is limited content and development in the essay response. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her ideas.

The essay has limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Now I want to tell you some suggestions to improve your food or service. Sometimes it is really annoying that you don’t have a bathroom, since I stay a lot of time at your restaurant a restroom would be really helpful.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. (“I personally don’t really like cheese but you have a lot of food without cheese not like many other restaurants.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. The writer should include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“But after about 12 minutes my mother called me on my cellphone to tell me that I have to go home. Normally I would have been on my way home already, but because it took so long I was late. When I finally got my curly fries I needed to run home.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas is limited in the essay response. The writer demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. However, the lack of effective paragraphing and transitional devices contributes to the limited response provided by the writer.

The essay provides a limited introduction. (“Last week I ate at your restaurant "Frank’s". It was Thursday night and the Thursday’s personal was very friendly. But compared to other days it took longer to make my favorite food, Curly Fries.”)

There are some subtle transitional phrases used, but by using more effective transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) the essay could have moved more smoothly from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“Now I want to tell you some suggestions to improve your food or service. Sometimes it is really annoying that you don’t have a bathroom, since I stay a lot of time at your restaurant a restroom would be really helpful.”)

The essay demonstrates evidence of a conclusion, but it is limited in that it does not attempt to summarize the main points of the essay, leave readers with something to think about, or teach readers a lesson. (“So maybe you will consider to change a few things i told you. But I want to repeat that your restaurant is

already very nice and it is my favorite. Sincerely Sally Jones”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits limited use of language, voice, and style in the essay response. The writer demonstrates simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety.

The writer relies on simple sentences throughout the essay. (“Last week I ate at your restaurant "Frank’s". It was Thursday night and the Thursday’s personal was very friendly.”)

Many of the writer’s word selections are repetitive, nondescript, and limited. These choices do not give the writer the voice or style to communicate an effective message to the intended audience. (“But I want to

repeat that your restaurant is already very nice and it is my favorite.”)

In some portions of the essay, the sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s point of view to the intended audience. (“Sometimes it is really annoying that you don’t have a bathroom, since I stay a lot of time at your restaurant…”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay exhibits limited control of conventions and mechanics in the essay response. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer should have subject/verb agreement in each sentence, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check for correct spelling and usage of selected words. (“Well I don’t have that many suggestion for your food because I think it is already very good. I personally don’t really like cheese but you have a lot of food without cheese not like many other restaurants. So maybe you will consider to change a few things i told you.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

Dear Applebee’s Manager,

My family was at your restaurant on Tuesday we arrived at 5:30. Our family set there for fifteen minutes before we set at a table. Our family set down. It took another fifteen minutes to get our drinks and our appetizers. It was a little after 6:00 know and we still had to order our meals.

Our family new that we would not be out of Applebee’s, before 7:00, we were going to be late to the movies. We finally ate at 6:45 I ordered chicken strips and fries and it was way cold and the chicken was not cooked all the way. My sister orders a hambuger and they come out and give her chicken strips. They made us pay $2.00 more than what we ordered. My mom order Ribs and they were the size of a small hambuger and we paid $15.00 for that size of ribs. Our family was so disappointed in the way are food turned out. Your business on Tuesday night needs to change our family had places to go and things to do.

Sincerely,

My family & I

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay response. The writer suggests a controlling idea but demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience. Therefore, the essay satisfies only few parts of the task.

In the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is not clearly stated. Rather, the writer goes directly into the complaints against the establishment. (“My family was at your restaurant on Tuesday we arrived at 5:30. Our family set there for fifteen minutes before we set at a table. Our family set down. It took another fifteen minutes to get our drinks and our appetizers. It was a little after 6:00 know and we still had to order our meals.”)

The writer provides underdeveloped details that minimally support his/her point of view. (“I ordered chicken strips and fries and it was way cold and the chicken was not cooked all the way. My sister orders a hambuger and they come out and give her chicken strips. They made us pay $2.00 more than what we ordered.”)

The writer provides a minimal focus for his/her business letter to the restaurant and does not provide meaningful supporting details to enhance the message or convince readers of his/her point of view. (“Our family was so disappointed in the way are food turned out. Your business on Tuesday night needs to

change our family had places to go and things to do.”)

Content & Development

The content and development of ideas in the essay are minimal. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support his/her point of view.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the general tone of the writer’s argument. (“My family was at your restaurant on Tuesday we arrived at 5:30. Our family set there for fifteen minutes before we set at a table. Our family set down. It took another fifteen minutes to get our drinks and our appetizers.”)

The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. To be effective, the writer should write each main idea as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. Then, he/she needs to provide effective details to support each idea in the body paragraph. (“Our family new that we would not be out of

Applebee’s, before 7:00, we were going to be late to the movies. We finally ate at 6:45 I ordered chicken strips and fries and it was way cold and the chicken was not cooked all the way.”)

Details are minimal to explain and illustrate the evidence. Important details should be included to explain and illustrate each main idea. Details such as examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations would be a very effective way to enhance the writer’s feelings about his/her experiences at the restaurant. (“My mom order Ribs and they were the size of a small hambuger and we paid $15.00 for that size of ribs. Our family was so disappointed in the way are food turned out.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is minimal at best. The writer demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of the use of paragraphing and transitional devices in the brief, two-paragraph response.

The writer does not attempt to grab readers’ attention in the introduction before addressing the reasons why the experience at the restaurant was a less than satisfactory one. Also, the writer should have included some background information so readers could understand the purpose of the letter. (“My family was at your restaurant on Tuesday we arrived at 5:30. Our family set there for fifteen minutes before we set at a

table. Our family set down.”)

There is little evidence of transitional devices to help connect ideas. Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“It took another fifteen minutes to get our drinks and our appetizers. It was a little after 6:00 know and we still had to order our meals. Our family new that we would not be out of Applebee’s, before 7:00, we were going to be late to the movies.”)

The writer does not attempt to include a strong conclusion that would summarize the main points of the essay and leave readers with something to think about. (“Our family was so disappointed in the way are food turned out. Your business on Tuesday night needs to change our family had places to go and things to do.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer employs a minimal use of language, voice, and style in the essay response. The essay displays simple language and word choice with little awareness of his/her intended audience. The writer makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage and misses the opportunity to express his/her dismay with the restaurant with a stronger voice and style.

Specific word selections are used inappropriately within the context of some sentences. (“It was a little after 6:00 know and we still had to order our meals. Our family new that we would not be out of

Applebee’s, before 7:00, we were going to be late to the movies.”) These errors can make the writer’s message ineffective and convey confusion.

There is repetition of selected words and word choice is inappropriate. (“Our family set there for fifteen minutes before we set at a table. Our family set down.”)

The essay should use varied transitions to assist in creating a response that flows from one idea to the next.

In the case of this essay response, no transitions are evident. Without appropriate word selections and effective transitions, the writer’s style and voice are lacking in the essay response. (“My sister orders a hambuger and they come out and give her chicken strips. They made us pay $2.00 more than what we

ordered. My mom order Ribs and they were the size of a small hambuger and we paid $15.00 for that size of ribs.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits minimal control of conventions and mechanics in the essay response. There are patterns of error in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that interferes with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to exhibit subject-verb agreement, appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of words, and indicate new paragraphs using line breaks. While the writer was

successful in some of these areas, there is evidence that additional editing is needed. (“We finally ate at 6:45 I ordered chicken strips and fries and it was way cold and the chicken was not cooked all the way. My sister orders a hambuger and they come out and give her chicken strips. They made us pay $2.00 more than what we ordered. My mom order Ribs and they were the size of a small hambuger and we paid $15.00 for

that size of ribs.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

Dear Mr.

Well first of all my name is Brenda and I’ve been a customer in your restaurant for over 2 years. That when yesterday I came to your restaurant they were really mean to me and they weren’t been that polite and that day they were really rude. That day they didn’t have the restaurant was dirty and It smelled like little kids had got sick all over. And the restaurant was lik they would always have it clean.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning throughout the response. The writer fails to establish a controlling idea and demonstrates no understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. The essay does not satisfy the requirements of the prompt task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. While readers can surmise that the writer is attempting to express his/her dismay over the treatment he/she received and the conditions of the restaurant, it is neither clearly conveyed, nor focused enough, to create an accurate picture of why the visit to the restaurant was such a disappointing experience. (“That when yesterday I came to your restaurant they were really mean to me and they weren’t been that polite and that day they were really rude.”)

The essay does not adequately state the central/controlling idea of the essay. The writer neglects to express a clear thesis statement, but rather, proceeds to reasons why the experience was not a positive one. (“That day they didn’t have the restaurant was dirty and It smelled like little kids had got sick all over. And the

restaurant was lik they would always have it clean.”)

In the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is not adequately stated. (“Well first of all my name is Brenda and I’ve been a customer in your restaurant for over 2 years.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development in the essay response. The writer fails to develop ideas, using inadequate details to support the ideas presented. The writer does not provide enough details to adequately communicate an effective message to his/her intended audience.

Little evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. The writer needs to provide at least three main ideas as evidence to express his/her ideas clearly and effectively. (“I came to your

restaurant they were really mean to me and they weren’t been that polite and that day they were really rude. That day they didn’t have the restaurant was dirty and It smelled like little kids had got sick all over.”)

Details are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. These details could include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. If the writer provides any of these, or combinations of these, it would make for a more compelling, detail-oriented response. (“And the restaurant was lik they would always have it clean.”)

This one-paragraph response is simply too short to effectively convey the writer’s message. There are no main ideas in body paragraphs to assist the writer in elaborating in more detail about his/her negative

experience at the restaurant. (“Dear Mr. Well first of all my name is Brenda and I’ve been a customer in your restaurant for over 2 years. That when yesterday I came to your restaurant they were really mean to me and they weren’t been that polite and that day they were really rude. That day they didn’t have the restaurant was dirty and It smelled like little kids had got sick all over. And the restaurant was lik they would always have it clean.”)

Organization

The essay does not provide any organization of the writer’s ideas. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no recognizable introduction or conclusion. Additionally, there is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices being used in the essay response.

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a good introduction. Not only does it fail to grab readers’ attention in the introduction, it also does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“Well first of all my name is Brenda and I’ve been a customer in your restaurant for over 2 years. That when

yesterday I came to your restaurant they were really mean to me and they weren’t been that polite and that day they were really rude.”)

Transitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“That day they didn’t have the restaurant was dirty and It smelled like little kids had got sick all over. And the restaurant was lik they would always have it clean.”)

The essay does not include a conclusion. A good conclusion will summarize the writer’s points and leave readers with something to think about, and this essay fails to provide one. (“And the restaurant was lik they would always have it clean.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates inadequate use of language, voice, and style in the essay. The writer employs unclear or incoherent language use and word choice with very little awareness of audience. There are also major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The structure of the sentences is inadequate to effectively communicate the writer’s message. (“That when yesterday I came to your restaurant they were really mean to me and they weren’t been that polite and that day they were really rude. That day they didn’t have the restaurant was dirty and It smelled like little kids had got sick all over. And the restaurant was lik they would always have it clean.”)

Exact words are missing within sentences that interfere with the understanding of the examples. (“That when yesterday I came to your restaurant they were really mean to me and they weren’t been that polite and that day they were really rude.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended

audience. (“That day they didn’t have the restaurant was dirty and It smelled like little kids had got sick all over. And the restaurant was lik they would always have it clean.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is inadequate control of conventions and mechanics on the part of the writer in the essay response. The writer commits major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer should always make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check for correct

spelling and usage of selected words. (“That day they didn’t have the restaurant was dirty and It smelled like little kids had got sick all over. And the restaurant was lik they would always have it clean.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Upon graduating from high school, it is important for students to think about their plans for the future, whether they include additional schooling, joining the workforce, or some other activity.

Think about what you would like your career to be after you graduate from high school. In a well- developed essay, state your career goals for the next five years and explain your plans to achieve these goals.

Model Essay

My sophomore year I had a huge decision to make. I could stay at my home school, or I could attend the technology center and jumpstart my career. After choosing accounting because I knew I could make a lot of money in the field, I applied to the tech center. I am privileged to have been able to have the experience. I have made friendships with peers and instructors that will last a lifetime.

Looking back, I now see that even though I am not planning on going into accounting, choosing to attend this school is the best decision I ever made. If I had stayed at my home school, I would not have realized that choosing a profession based on salary would not make me happy. Everyone kept telling me there is always going to be a part of your job that you are not going to like, but you still have to do it. Questioning this, I decided to find a career that inspired me, something I loved every aspect of.

Having had the opportunity to be a part of Business Professionals of America at the tech center, I have many new outlooks. Within the organization, I have the chance to gain leadership skills and work on charitable projects. Attending local and state leadership conferences has helped me to better myself and change my attitude. Running for chapter treasurer and winning the position has given me courage and confidence.

Within the next five years, I intend to become a professional goal-oriented personal trainer. Setting this goal began while I attended Community College classes my senior year. Taking Pilates and Aerobics made me realize that sitting at a desk all day was not for me. I caught on to every new move quickly, and I worked harder than anyone else did.

My instructor was my inspiration. After just one class, you could tell she was happy and loved her job. Everyone wants to make a difference and help people. Most people become doctors for this reason, but helping someone eat right and become physically fit seems more important than prescribing a pill.

Hopefully, I can prevent people from becoming obese, getting arthritis, or having heart problems. Exercise and a healthy diet is the true key to success.

First, my short-term goals must be met: graduating high school and beginning the fall quarter at college, acquiring a part-time job at a local fitness center, and purchasing/maintaining a vehicle. Setting goals while attending college must also be done. I will strive to attain a 4.0 and perfect attendance.

After achieving my Associate's degree in physical fitness education and dietary needs, I plan on earning a scholarship to a university in the south to further my education. I intend to live on campus and still work a small job. My goals while at the University will remain unchanged.

Once I have achieved my Masters in physical fitness education and dietary needs, I can pursue my career. I will find an opening at a famous spa or fitness center and work there for at least two years. At that point, I will start looking into being self-employed and being an in-home personal trainer for celebrities and famous athletes.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this thoughtful essay, the author successfully maintains an insightful controlling idea. (“Everyone kept telling me there is always going to be a part of your job that you are not going to like, but you still have to do it. Questioning this, I decided to find a career that inspired me, something I loved every aspect of.”)

Remaining focused on this controlling idea, which is expanded and further developed as the essay

progresses (“Everyone wants to make a difference and help people. Most people become doctors for this reason, but helping someone eat right and become physically fit seems more important than prescribing a pill. Hopefully, I can prevent people from becoming obese, getting arthritis, or having heart problems.

Exercise and a healthy diet is the true key to success.”), the student displays a thorough understanding of the purpose and the audience. The essay certainly completes all parts of the task very effectively.

Content & Development

This author clearly describes the many events it will take to achieve the set goals. He/She develops ideas fully and artfully, allowing the reader to understand the demands that this author will endure. By using

appropriate details to support ideas (“If I had stayed at my home school, I would not have realized that choosing a profession based on salary would not make me happy. Everyone kept telling me there is always going to be a part of your job that you are not going to like, but you still have to do it. Questioning this, I decided to find a career that inspired me, something I loved every aspect of.”), the author invites the reader to make a true connection with the text.

Organization

This response demonstrates an entirely unified organizational structure. The introduction begins by

grabbing the reader’s attention (“My sophomore year I had a huge decision to make. I could stay at my home school, or I could attend the technology center and jumpstart my career.”) and proceeds to establish the foundation behind this author’s career goals. The first body paragraph focuses on decisions behind the chosen career path, while each subsequent paragraph discusses a different aspect of obtaining his/her goal. The conclusion describes the author’s final steps in achieving the career goal (“I will find an opening at a famous spa or fitness center and work there for at least two years. At that point, I will start looking into being self-employed and being an in-home personal trainer for celebrities and famous athletes.”)

Language Use & Style

Language is used effectively throughout this essay. The author demonstrates precise language use, artful word choice, and a defined voice (“My sophomore year I had a huge decision to make. I could stay at my home school, or I could attend the Miami Valley Career Technology Center and jumpstart my career. After choosing accounting because I knew I could make a lot of money in the field, I applied to the tech center. I am privileged to have been able to have the experience.”) This response is constructed of well-structured

and varied sentences. (“First, my short-term goals must be met: graduating high school and beginning the fall quarter at college, acquiring a part-time job at a local fitness center, and purchasing/maintaining a

vehicle.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This author has mastered the conventions of standard written English. Few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation and spelling are evident.

Model Essay

What is the right profession for me and what will I enjoy doing the rest of my life? This is a question that many people ask themselves. A few years ago, this question would not have mattered to me, but today, I understand the importance of this question and know the answer to it. Information Technology (IT) is the right career field for me.

Technology has come a long way since the first mainframe computer. Today, people may not realize it, but technology is a part of everyone's life. People rely on technology as a main source of communication, from email to the telephone, technology is involved in everything. I, like many others, did not even realize how much I depend on technology every single day. I use my computer at least once a day for email or research or something. Computers however, as complex as they may be, still need maintenance.

It all started about five years ago when I received my first computer for Christmas. At the time I had no idea what the future held for me. Everyday I would learn something new on the computer, and it was more advanced each time. I learned how to use email and Microsoft Office, and many other software applications. I was becoming increasingly interested in computers. In high school I took computer classes for Microsoft Office and Web Design. My sophomore year in high school, I learned about the technology center and the Cisco program. Soon after I visited the facility and met the instructor; I became enrolled in the Cisco program.

In the next year, I plan on graduating form high school and obtaining my high school diploma. I also plan on successfully completing the Cisco program at the tech center. I will also take the A+ Certification test, and get a part time job to help me through college.

The following year, I plan to go to college at either community college or state college and take classes in IT or Computer Programming. After I obtain my Associate's Degree, I plan on transferring to a four year college. At a four year college, I will be able to get my Bachelor's Degree, which will mean not only better income, but also more job choices, and a better future.

Five years from now I hope to be working in a computer related profession. With the knowledge gained from tech center and from college, I plan on starting my own business. This business will consist of a few close friends that are going into the computer industry as well. We will build computers, troubleshoot computer problems, and possibly even code programs. We will also provide multimedia services, such as video editing, slideshows, web design, and much more.

With the knowledge I will have gained, I will achieve these goals and many others as well. I will complete college and get a good job. Eventually my friends and I will have our own business. I will work hard every day to achieve my goals and become successful in the IT field.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This author establishes a clear thesis that demonstrates an understanding of the purpose of the task. (“I understand the importance of this question and know the answer to it. Information Technology (IT) is the right career field for me.”) The author remains focused on delivering the controlling idea to the intended audience throughout the course of the essay. The author successfully completes the task through an in- depth discussion of the chosen career goal, Information Technology.

Content & Development

This essay develops ideas using specific and relevant details and examples. The first body paragraph details how much we value computers and the need for their maintenance. (“I, like many others, did not even realize how much I depend on technology every single day. I use my computer at least once a day for

email or research or something. Computers however, as complex as they may be, still need maintenance.”) The second body paragraph describes the motivation behind this choice of career. (“In high school I took computer classes for Microsoft Office and Web Design. My sophomore year in high school, I learned about the tech center and the Cisco program. Soon after I visited the facility and met the instructor; I

became enrolled in the Cisco program.”) The next three body paragraphs further develop the plan for achieving these goals. All of these ideas are elaborated upon with extensive supporting details.

Organization

This essay constructs a mostly unified organizational structure. The introductory paragraph draws the

reader in through the opening question (“What is the right profession for me and what will I enjoy doing the rest of my life?”) and then clearly establishes a thesis. Each of the body paragraphs begins with a topic sentence, as well as a transitional device. (“The following year, I plan to go to college at either community college or state college and take classes in IT or Computer Programming.”). The concluding paragraph draws a close to the author’s career goals. (“I will complete college and get a good job. Eventually my friends and I will have our own business. I will work hard every day to achieve my goals and become successful in the IT field.”)

Language Use & Style

In this response, the language use and style are appropriate and effective. The author demonstrates good word choice as well as some sentence variety. (“With the knowledge gained from the tech center and from college, I plan on starting my own business. This business will consist of a few close friends that are going into the computer industry as well.”) This essay shows some evidence of voice as well as a clear sense of the audience, especially when relating how important technology is in all of our lives. (“Today, people may not realize it, but technology is a part of everyone's life. People rely on technology as a main source of communication, from email to the telephone, technology is involved in everything. I, like many others, did not even realize how much I depend on technology every single day.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Few errors in grammar (“People rely on technology as a main source of communication, from email to the telephone, technology is involved in everything.”), mechanics, punctuation (“Soon after I visited the

facility and met the instructor; I became enrolled in the Cisco program.”), and spelling are evident in this detailed essay.

Model Essay

Since an early age, I have had an interest in computers. My very first computer experience was with an Apple at the elementary school computer lab. There, I learned that I not only like computers, but I also learned that I have a knack for computers because I got done with my work faster than everyone else and had extra time at the end of class to play games. At that early age I decided that I wanted to work with computers for a living.

I now attend the technology center for Computer Information Technology. Many things have changed since my days in the computer lab, but one thing has not changed, my interest in computers. This interest is what led me to the tech center. I have found it to be a great opportunity for me to achieve and accelerate my goals of becoming a computer professional, not only from the career-technical instruction, but also from the tech-prep scholarship I will be awarded because of my attendance.

My career goals in the next few years begin with graduating from the tech center and attending college to get a four year degree in computer science or computer engineering. Meanwhile, I want to gain

employment in a company that somehow relates to my field to get relevant work experience and to help finance a college education. After college, I am determined to join a branch of the military to earn even more college training and actual experience in my career, as well as some money to get established on my own. After the military, my goal is to get a job with an airline company like Boeing or a major computer company and further develop my career in designing and implementing computer systems.

My final goal of becoming a computer professional has been very clear to me since I was very young. What I did not know as a child was what was involved in achieving this goal. I did not know about college, the immense competition in the field, or even the basics of how a computer actually works. But, now that I am older and am in high school, I know how and have the confidence that I am able to achieve my goal of becoming a computer professional.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay can best be described as an adequate completion of the task. The author establishes a controlling idea (“At that early age I decided that I wanted to work with computers for a living.”), which is maintained throughout this essay. However, this essay lacks detail and therefore completes many, but not all, parts of the task.

Content & Development

The author uses some specific and accurate details to support his/her ideas. The first body paragraph

describes how this person is currently working towards his or her goal (“I now attend the technology center for Computer Information Technology.”). The following body paragraph describes the various avenues the author will take to obtain his or her goal. (“ My career goals in the next few years begin with graduating from the tech center and attending college to get a four year degree in computer science or computer engineering. Meanwhile, I want to gain employment in a company that somehow relates to my field to get relevant work experience and to help finance a college education.”) The essay could have been improved, however, with further development of these ideas. Overall, though, the response does contain adequate content and development.

Organization

Although there are some problems in the essay structure, it generally demonstrates a unified organization. The introduction introduces us to the author’s career interest. The two body paragraphs describe the goals the author hopes to achieve within the five years, but could be improved if they were broken down into

three detailed body paragraphs. (“My career goals in the next few years begin with graduating from the tech center and attending college to get a four year degree in computer science or computer engineering. Meanwhile, I want to gain employment in a company that somehow relates to my field to get relevant work experience and to help finance a college education. After college, I am determined to join a branch of the military to earn even more college training and actual experience in my career, as well as some money to get established on my own.”)

Language Use & Style

This student demonstrates appropriate language use and word choice. (“I have found it to be a great opportunity for me to achieve and accelerate my goals of becoming a computer professional, not only from the career-technical instruction, but also from the tech-prep scholarship I will be awarded because of my

attendance.”) This student has a general awareness of audience, however he/she is lacking in details to enhance audience connection.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author has an effective grasp over the conventions of standard written English. Few errors in grammar (“After college, I am determined to join a branch of the military to earn even more college training and

actual experience in my career, as well as some money to get established on my own.”), mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are evident in this essay.

Model Essay

As I near the end of my senior year, I need to plan for my future. I hope to enter the graphic design profession after graduation . My photography and photo-editing skills will support me in finding a job that I enjoy doing.

Moving from high school to college I plan on going to state college and staying there for two years before moving to the art institute for four years. While I am at the art institute, I want to find a more advanced job in my field and, hopefully, it is everything that I have been looking for in a job. My goal is to work in the graphic design field or the photo-editing field.

The tech center in the Multi-Media Program has helped me accomplish many great things. My instructors have shown me great leadership skills and organization. My lab instructors have not just been teachers but they all have been great friends.

The tech center has been instrumental in helping me to achieve me goals by giving me the knowledge to achieve my goals, and it helped put me in the right direction.

I hope that I have what it takes to achieve and accomplish all of my goals and that I can find a career I am passionate about.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author of this essay attempts to establish and maintain a focused controlling idea (“I hope to enter the graphic design profession after graduation. My photography and photo-editing skills will support me in finding a job that I enjoy doing.”). However, this essay is not completely developed and therefore fails to complete all parts of the task. This response demonstrates only limited focus and meaning.

Content & Development

Although the author does attempt to include some details to support his/her position, the ideas are insufficiently developed. The response establishes a controlling idea but fails to support it with concrete details (“While I am at the art institute, I want to find a more advanced job in my field and, hopefully, it is

everything that I have been looking for in a job. My goal is to work in the graphic design field or the photo- editing field.”). The author describes how he/she is working towards the goal currently, but fails to explore the many steps he or she will take in the next five years. (“The tech center has been instrumental in helping me to achieve me goals by giving me the knowledge to achieve my goals, and it helped put me in the right direction.”)

Organization

This response attempts to have a clearly, unified structure, but lacks a coherent flow of ideas. The author starts out by explaining future goals but then spends the rest of the essay discussing current events. (“The tech center in the Multi-Media Program has helped me accomplish many great things. My instructors have shown me great leadership skills and organization. My lab instructors have not just been teachers but they all have been great friends.”) The author should have discussed this in the introduction and then dedicated the rest of the essay to future career goals.

Language Use & Style

Although this essay lacks sufficient detail, the author displays adequate language use and word choice. (“The tech center has been instrumental in helping me to achieve me goals by giving me the knowledge to achieve my goals, and it helped put me in the right direction.”) The author is clearly aware of the audience and has a definite sense of voice. (“As I near the end of my senior year, I need to plan for my future. I hope to enter the graphic design profession after graduation. My photography and photo-editing skills will support me in finding a job that I enjoy doing.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This author demonstrates a decent understanding over the conventions of standard written English. Few noticeable errors in grammar (The tech center has been instrumental in helping me to achieve me goals by giving me the knowledge to achieve my goals, and it helped put me in the right direction.”), mechanics, punctuation, and spelling interfere with the communication of the message.

Model Essay

Picture a kid walking down a road. He knows exactly where he's going, and knows exactly where he wants to end up. Now picture this road getting wider and wider. The kid doesn't know why it's getting wider, all he knows is that it is getting wider. And in the distance the boy sees that the road gets so wide it has to split into two different roads. Now imagine I'm that boy, and the two roads are the careers I can lead. The road on the left will lead me to a career in football, which might end with a dead end. Then the road on the left will lead me to a career in music, which I don't know where it might take me. I'm not quite at the fork in the road where I have to make a decision, but when I do I just hope I make the right one.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response suggests a controlling idea (“The road on the left will lead me to a career in football, which might end with a dead end. Then the road on the left will lead me to a career in music, which I don't know where it might take me.”) but it is unclear and underdeveloped. The author does not maintain or support the idea with meaningful details. Few of the questions in the writing prompt are addressed and, therefore, this essay completes few parts of the task. This essay demonstrates only a minimal understanding of the purpose of the assignment.

Content & Development

In this brief response, ideas are incompletely and inadequately developed. The author discusses an idea of the career goal he/she is interested in, but provides only a short, undeveloped paragraph. (“I'm not quite at the fork in the road where I have to make a decision, but when I do I just hope I make the right one.”) The content and development of this response are quite minimal.

Organization

Little evidence of a unified structure is detected in this response. The Author makes some attempt at

introducing the controlling idea in the first few sentences (“Picture a kid walking down a road. He knows exactly where he's going, and knows exactly where he wants to end up.”) and summarizing his/her point in the last sentence. However, the single paragraph response lacks an introductory paragraph, transitional devices, and a concluding paragraph.

Language Use & Style

The essay is composed using limited word choice and simple sentence structure. (“The kid doesn't know why it's getting wide, all he knows is that it is getting wider.”) While the intended message is mostly clear, it is difficult to discern the student’s control of language use, voice, or style in such a brief response.

Mechanics & Conventions

In such a simple response, it is hard to determine whether this student has a clear control over the conventions of standard written English. Some mistakes in spelling, punctuation, and grammar are evident.

Model Essay

When I graduate from high school, I would like my career to be whether and engineer or whether a fashion designer. It is very important for me to graduate from high school and get at least a scholarship to enter college or university and become what I want to become.

First of all, I have to study hard to achieve these goals. I have to

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Although the author makes an attempt at establishing a thesis (“When I graduate from high school, I would like my career to be whether and engineer or whether a fashion designer”), he/she fails to create any relevant meaning or focus. The author demonstrates no understanding of the purpose of the assignment and, therefore, completes no parts of the task.

Content & Development

This essay fails to develop support for its thesis. One simple reason is given for support. (“It is very important for me to graduate from high school and get at least a scholarship to enter college or university and become what I want to become.”) This response does not provide the reader with sufficient information.

Organization

No reasonable organizational structure can be detected in this short, two-line response. It is closer to the origins of a paragraph than an essay. It is missing an introduction, body, conclusion, and transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

The author’s language use is simple and inadequate. (“I would like my career to be whether and engineer or whether a fashion designer.”) Sentence structure and word choice are also poor and simplistic. This response demonstrates no awareness of the audience and no voice.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author shows a mediocre ability to control mechanics and conventions. Although the errors are few, this response is so short that the reader does not feel confident in the student’s ability to maintain the conventions standard written English.

Show that you understand and can explain the concept of "cause and effect" as it relates to historical events. The events leading up to the outbreak of the American Revolutionary War contain many examples of cause and effect. These can also be seen as instances of action-reaction between the British and the American colonists. Select and describe three examples of cause and effect that led to the outbreak of the Revolutionary War in 1775.

Model Essay

Cause and Effect in the Revolutionary War

The American Revolution started well before the American War of Independence. While the war lasted about eight years, the Revolution had been fermenting for well over a hundred years. The causes of the Revolution were many and varied. The effects were profound, sometimes surprising, and not always immediately seen. In the end the greatest effect of the American Revolution was the solid foundation of the United States Constitution, and all that it implies for us today.

Perhaps one of the most important causes of the Revolution was the massive distance between the Americans and England. Crossing the Atlantic in a sailing ship took at least two months. The movement far away from one's home was an act of rebellion in itself. Distance weakened authority. People in America gradually began to consider themselves "Americans" rather than British people living abroad. Among the colonists, there existed a sense of freedom, and upward mobility which was rare in the mother country.

This physical and emotional distance from England allowed the colonists to disengage and rebel in many ways. Many felt much less allegiance to the throne. Many believed they were now completely separate from England.

Another vital cause of the Revolution was the effects of mercantilism. Mercantilism placed a heavy hand on the colonists. For instance, the colonists were restricted in what they could produce in America by Navigation Laws. Navigation Laws went as far as to forbid the manufacture of certain export products, so as not to compete with English industry. Further, banks were nonexistent in the colonies. Every year gold and silver left the colonies as fast as it came in. It required the colonies to issue paper money that depreciated. While there were certain benefits to mercantilism, particularly the monopoly of Virginia tobacco planters in the British market, overall colonists resented the burdensome system. However, even in Virginia's case, Mercantilism eventually caused massive debt when tobacco prices fell. This inevitably caused them to join agitated Massachusetts in revolting against England.

The imposition upon the colonies of relentless taxes and duties is another contributor to the American Revolution. Britain emerged from the Seven Years' War with a massive debt and much of it due to defending the American colonies. England felt that the Americans should bear the cost of maintaining thousands of troops on the continent, mostly to protect the Colonists. They started by strictly enforcing the Navigation Laws and later adding the Sugar Act of 1764. That Act was the first law to tax the colonies.

Even though those were protested and lowered substantially by the use of boycotts and revolts, the Quartering Act of 1765 kept people angry. This Act required the colonists to provide food, supplies, and housing for the British living in the colonies. Finally, the Stamp Act was enacted the very same year and mandated the use of stamps that showed a payment of tax for about 50 trade items as well as certain documents including newspapers, marriage certificates, and playing cards. These actions by the British caused Americans to lash back at the. The common cry was "No taxation without representation."

Violence, protests and defiance of the laws, were a common reaction to these laws. The Townshend Acts made a bad situation worse. The, colonists loved their tea, and by 1773 when the British East India Company had an excess of 17 million pounds of unsold tea, the colonists saw this as a way to trick them into accepting a detested tax through the lure of cheaper tea. This resulted in the Boston Tea Party. While attempts were made to calm the situation dozens of years of physical and emotional separation from England could not stop the inevitable revolution.

Ultimately, the results and effects of the American Revolution were not total change. It was not like the later French or Russian Revolutions; it was more of an evolution than a revolution. Some isolated areas were not even aware a war was occurring. However, there occurred important and unexpected changes which affected social and political institutions and even gender roles. It also allowed for democracy to rule the land. Equality became the common word throughout the land. The Declaration of Independence specifically stated that "all men are created equal," There was some extension of this doctrine to women and even slaves.

The Continental Congress of 1776 caused the states to draft new constitutions. The shift toward states being linked together started to occur. A strong central government was not part of the Articles of Confederation; instead, they were a stepping stone towards our present constitution. The ultimate effect of the American Revolution was the Constitution of the United States, drafted as a bundle of compromises, yet it became the foundation for the future of the American people. The causes of the American Revolution brewed for more than a hundred and fifty years in many cases and culminated in the War of Independence. The effects of the Revolution, although often not immediately visible, carry through to us today.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience. He/she effectively completes all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task. Notably, the writer leaves readers with a clear picture of the relationship between cause and effect in the context of the Revolutionary War.

The essay’s introduction establishes a precise controlling/central idea that reflects a complete

understanding of the purpose of the essay and the intended audience. (“The American Revolution started well before the American War of Independence. While the war lasted about eight years, the Revolution had been fermenting for well over a hundred years. The causes of the Revolution were many and varied. The effects were profound, sometimes surprising, and not always immediately seen. In the end the greatest effect of the American Revolution was the solid foundation of the United States Constitution, and all that it implies for us today.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. The writer’s focus on the relationships between events is consistent and meaningful. (“The, colonists loved their tea, and by 1773 when the British East India Company had an excess of 17 million pounds of unsold tea, the colonists saw this as a way to trick them into accepting a detested tax through the lure of cheaper tea. This resulted in the Boston Tea Party. While attempts were made to calm the situation dozens of years of physical and emotional separation from England could not stop the inevitable revolution.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. The writer clearly understands his/her audience and uses language and information that very effectively explain the controlling/central idea of the essay. (“While the war lasted about eight years, the Revolution had been fermenting for well over a hundred years. The causes of the Revolution were many and varied. The effects were profound, sometimes surprising, and not always immediately seen. In the end the greatest effect of the American Revolution was the solid foundation of the United States Constitution, and all that it implies for us today.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully, using a wide variety of appropriate details for support.

Relevant points explain and illustrate the attitudes of the colonists and their possible motivations very

effectively. (“People in America gradually began to consider themselves ‘Americans’ rather than British people living abroad. Among the colonists, there existed a sense of freedom, and upward mobility which was rare in the mother country. This physical and emotional distance from England allowed the colonists to disengage and rebel in many ways. Many felt much less allegiance to the throne. Many believed they were now completely separate from England.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. The writer explains some complex concepts and causal relationships very effectively, and he/she uses enough details for readers to clearly understand

each idea. (“Further, banks were nonexistent in the colonies. Every year gold and silver left the colonies as fast as it came in. It required the colonies to issue paper money that depreciated. While there were certain benefits to mercantilism, particularly the monopoly of Virginia tobacco planters in the British market, overall colonists resented the burdensome system. However, even in Virginia's case, Mercantilism eventually caused massive debt when tobacco prices fell. This inevitably caused them to join agitated Massachusetts in revolting against England.”)

Specific information about the causes and effects of the Revolutionary War is developed very effectively. The writer explains the causal relationships between events and their implications for us today. (“However, there occurred important and unexpected changes which affected social and political institutions and even gender roles. It also allowed for democracy to rule the land. Equality became the common word throughout the land. The Declaration of Independence specifically stated that ‘all men are created equal,’ There was some extension of this doctrine to women and even slaves.”)

Organization

The writer effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction by inviting the readers to learn more about the Revolutionary War. (“The American Revolution started well before the American War of Independence. While the war lasted about eight years, the Revolution had been fermenting for well over a hundred years. The causes of the Revolution were many and varied. The effects were profound, sometimes surprising, and not always immediately seen. In the end the greatest effect of the American Revolution was the solid foundation of the United States Constitution, and all that it implies for us today.”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect ideas between paragraphs. The writer’s use of transitions ensures that the readers can move from one idea to the next in a coherent, logical way. (“While attempts were made to calm the situation dozens of years of physical and emotional separation from England could not stop the inevitable revolution. Ultimately, the results and effects of the American Revolution were not total change.”)

The writer includes an ending that very effectively summarizes the main ideas of the essay and provides readers with a sense of closure. (“A strong central government was not part of the Articles of Confederation; instead, they were a stepping stone towards our present constitution. The ultimate effect of the American Revolution was the Constitution of the United States, drafted as a bundle of compromises,

yet it became the foundation for the future of the American people. The causes of the American Revolution brewed for more than a hundred and fifty years in many cases and culminated in the War of Independence. The effects of the Revolution, although often not immediately visible, carry through to us today.”)

Language Use & Style

adds to the effectiveness of the writer’s response.

The writer chooses descriptive words to very effectively convey a variety of concepts and their relationship to the causes and effects of the Revolutionary War. (“Every year gold and silver left the colonies as fast as it came in. It required the colonies to issue paper money that depreciated. While there were certain benefits to mercantilism, particularly the monopoly of Virginia tobacco planters in the British market, overall colonists resented the burdensome system. However, even in Virginia's case, Mercantilism eventually caused massive debt when tobacco prices fell. This inevitably caused them to join agitated Massachusetts

in revolting against England.”)

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. The writer demonstrates a very effective understanding of audience by using a consistently academic tone. (“Many felt much less allegiance to the throne. Many believed they were now completely separate from England. Another vital cause of the Revolution was the effects of mercantilism. Mercantilism placed a heavy hand on the colonists. For instance, the colonists were restricted in what they could produce in America by Navigation Laws. Navigation Laws went as far as to forbid the manufacture of certain export products, so as not to compete with English industry.”)

The writer demonstrates use of strong voice throughout the response. The language the writer uses is consistently academic and informational. (“The, colonists loved their tea, and by 1773 when the British East India Company had an excess of 17 million pounds of unsold tea, the colonists saw this as a way to trick them into accepting a detested tax through the lure of cheaper tea. This resulted in the Boston Tea Party. While attempts were made to calm the situation dozens of years of physical and emotional separation from England could not stop the inevitable revolution.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“It required the colonies to issue paper money that depreciated. While there were certain benefits to mercantilism, particularly the monopoly of Virginia tobacco planters in the British market, overall colonists resented the burdensome system. However, even in Virginia's case, Mercantilism eventually caused massive debt when tobacco prices fell. This inevitably caused them to join agitated Massachusetts in revolting against England.”)

Model Essay

There were many events that led to the start of the American Revolutionary War. First was the passage of the Stamp Act. Second were the Townshend Acts. One of the final straws for the American colonists was the enactment of the Intolerable Acts. These three laws caused much of the dissent amongst the colonists, who took action to start the war.

The Stamp Act of 1765 was a new law that was put into motion by the Parliament. It required all publications in the American colonies to have stamps on them. These stamps had to be purchased separately, and were the source of many complaints. The British Parliament justified the Stamp Act by saying that the French and Indian War, which the stamps were paying for, mostly benefited the American

colonists. Even so, the Sons of Liberty protested against the tax, believing that the Stamp Act was a case of taxation without representation. In 1766, the Stamp Act was repealed, bringing the colonists to believe in peaceful resolutions of problems with the Parliament.

The Townshend Acts were passed early in 1767 by the British Parliament. They were named for Charles Townshend, the man who initially proposed the tax. The Townshend Acts would help to pay for governments and judges to be independent of control by the colonies, which further enraged the American colonists. It was also a means to make the colonists obey the trade regulations, punish New York for defiance, and reestablish the idea that the Parliament could tax the colonies if they wanted to. However, the colonists resisted the Townshend Acts, so British troops were sent to occupy Boston. After civilians jeered and threw objects at them, the British fired upon them, resulting in the deaths of five people. This was called the Boston Massacre, and served to fuel the American hatred of their former brethren.

After the Tea Act caused the Boston Tea Party, the British Parliament passed a series of laws that were called the Coercive Acts. However, they were dubbed the Intolerable Acts by the angered American colonists. The laws closed Boston's port, allowed the British king to appoint leaders of Massachusetts, enabled accused British officers to be moved to Great Britain for trial, permitted British soldiers to be quartered in unoccupied buildings, and increased the size of Quebec. The colonists reacted negatively to all of the laws, feeling that they were unneccessary and punished the wrong people. They felt that the Coercive Acts had violated their natural rights, and, as such, formed the First Continental Congress. Rather than defeating radicals in America, the laws had made it more difficult for any colonist to defend the British intent.

As a result of all of these acts, American colonists became united in their rage against Britain. Their convictions to rebel were strengthened rather than destroyed by the new taxes and laws. Their initial anger was just the beginning of a long war for freedom. After all of the conflict over taxation, the war truly began. The American Revolution ended in an improbable victory for the colonists, stemming from the determination that came first from opposing new laws. It just goes to show that everything does have a cause and effect.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay’s introduction presents the subject and the controlling/central idea. (“There were many events that led to the start of the American Revolutionary War. First was the passage of the Stamp Act. Second were the Townshend Acts. One of the final straws for the American colonists was the enactment of the Intolerable Acts. These three laws caused much of the dissent amongst the colonists, who took action to start the war.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. The writer includes a variety of relevant information that aides in the readers’ understanding of the topic. (“They felt that the Coercive Acts had violated their natural rights, and, as such, formed the First Continental Congress. Rather than defeating radicals in America, the laws had made it more difficult for any colonist to defend the British

intent. As a result of all of these acts, American colonists became united in their rage against Britain. Their convictions to rebel were strengthened rather than destroyed by the new taxes and laws. Their initial anger was just the beginning of a long war for freedom.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very well. The writer maintains focus on the nature of cause and effect and the way it influenced the Revolutionary War. (“There were many events that led to the start of the American Revolutionary War. First was the passage of the Stamp Act. Second were the Townshend Acts. One of the final straws for the American colonists was the enactment of the Intolerable Acts. These

three laws caused much of the dissent amongst the colonists, who took action to start the war.”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient and appropriate details for support.

The content in the body of the paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain the main idea. The writer includes enough information to give readers a complete picture of the events; however, the essay

could be improved with more details and directly cited sources. (“The colonists reacted negatively to all of the laws, feeling that they were unneccessary and punished the wrong people. They felt that the Coercive Acts had violated their natural rights, and, as such, formed the First Continental Congress. Rather than defeating radicals in America, the laws had made it more difficult for any colonist to defend the British

intent.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea in the topic sentence. (“The Stamp Act of 1765 was a new law that was put into motion by the Parliament. It required all publications in the American colonies to have stamps on them. These stamps had to be purchased separately, and were the source of many complaints.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. The writer dedicates an equal amount of detail to each of his/her ideas. (“They were named for Charles Townshend, the man who initially proposed the tax. The Townshend Acts would help to pay for governments and judges to be independent of control by the colonies, which further enraged the American colonists. It was also a means to make the colonists obey the trade regulations, punish New York for defiance, and reestablish the idea that the Parliament could tax the colonies if they wanted to. However, the colonists resisted the Townshend Acts, so British troops were sent to occupy Boston.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates an underdeveloped introduction. The introduction does serve to present the topic of the writing and familiarize readers with the main ideas of the essay; however, it does not include much background information. (“There were many events that led to the start of the American Revolutionary War. First was the passage of the Stamp Act. Second were the Townshend Acts. One of the final straws for the American colonists was the enactment of the Intolerable Acts. These three laws caused much of the dissent amongst the colonists, who took action to start the war.”)

Transitions within and between paragraphs or sentences are used well, and the language of the essay allows for smooth and consistent movement from one idea to the next. (“After the Tea Act caused the Boston Tea Party, the British Parliament passed a series of laws that were called the Coercive Acts. However, they were dubbed the Intolerable Acts by the angered American colonists. The laws closed Boston's port, allowed the British king to appoint leaders of Massachusetts, enabled accused British officers to be moved to Great Britain for trial, permitted British soldiers to be quartered in unoccupied buildings, and increased

the size of Quebec.”)

The essay’s conclusion provides the readers with closure and a description of the ultimate outcome of the events described in the essay. The writer demonstrates that he/she has a clear understanding of the

relationship between cause and effect and how it shaped the Revolutionary War. (“As a result of all of these acts, American colonists became united in their rage against Britain. Their convictions to rebel were strengthened rather than destroyed by the new taxes and laws. Their initial anger was just the beginning of a long war for freedom. After all of the conflict over taxation, the war truly began. The American Revolution ended in an improbable victory for the colonists, stemming from the determination that came first from opposing new laws. It just goes to show that everything does have a cause and effect.”)

Language Use & Style

The language of the essay is consistent, academic, and informative. The writer clearly understands his/her audience and writes appropriately for the purpose of the essay. (“One of the final straws for the American colonists was the enactment of the Intolerable Acts. These three laws caused much of the dissent amongst the colonists, who took action to start the war. The Stamp Act of 1765 was a new law that was put into motion by the Parliament. It required all publications in the American colonies to have stamps on them.”)

The use of coherent style and tone ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. All of the writer’s ideas are explained in equal detail using a generally academic tone. (“It required all publications in the American colonies to have stamps on them. These stamps had to be purchased separately, and were the source of many complaints. The British Parliament justified the Stamp Act by saying that the French and Indian War, which the stamps were paying for, mostly benefited the American

colonists. Even so, the Sons of Liberty protested against the tax, believing that the Stamp Act was a case of taxation without representation”)

The writer employs good word choices to describe the convictions and attitudes of the American colonists. (“The colonists reacted negatively to all of the laws, feeling that they were unneccessary and punished the wrong people. They felt that the Coercive Acts had violated their natural rights, and, as such, formed the First Continental Congress. Rather than defeating radicals in America, the laws had made it more difficult for any colonist to defend the British intent. As a result of all of these acts, American colonists became united in their rage against Britain. Their convictions to rebel were strengthened rather than destroyed by

the new taxes and laws.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure that all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, that all sentences have subject-verb agreement, that all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“The Townshend Acts would help to pay for

governments and judges to be independent of control by the colonies, which further enraged the American colonists. It was also a means to make the colonists obey the trade regulations, punish New York for defiance, and reestablish the idea that the Parliament could tax the colonies if they wanted to. However, the colonists resisted the Townshend Acts, so British troops were sent to occupy Boston.”)

Model Essay

The American Revolution is an important event in not only American history but world history as well. Many different things led up to the start of the war. Some of these things are taxes, massacres committed by the British on colonists, freedom, and wanting independence from Britain.

Massacres are brutal no matter what. A massacre is an attack on innocent and unarmed citizens or a group by another person or group. Perhaps one of the most horrendous massacres in history was the Boston Massacre. This was an act of hate on the colonists done by the British in 1775. It was also one of the major

reasons the war started. British soldiers slaughtered dozens of innocent colonist's right in the streets of Boston.

Although it might have been the bloodiest act of hate to start the war, the Boston Massacre was not the only cause of war. The want for independence and freedom from the British was another contributor to the start of the war. The colonists were tired of being dictated by a king. Especially a king that lived thousands of miles away across the Atlantic ocean. The only way the colonists would be able to gain their independence was to show the British that they could indeed be an independent nation. This meant conquering the British. This could only be done by engaging war.

The basic want for independence and massacres performed by the British were some good reasons for war. Another equally important cause was taxes. The colonists were tired of being taxed so profoundly on common goods such as tea, so they did something about it. The Boston Tea Party enraged the British because they had lost so much money in goods because of it. The colonists were so furious with the tax on tea they dressed up as Indians headed to Boston harbor, and dumped thousands of gallons of Britain's tea straight into the ocean. This was one of the final straws and reasons for the American Revolution.

With all these acts of hate and crime against one another, war was sure to break out. Eventually, all of these causes led up to the same effect, and war did indeed break out. The Revolutionary war was not something that happened suddenly. It was provoked by each side by doing things like the Boston massacre, the Boston Tea Party, and the simple desire to be recognized as a free and independent nation.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The thesis statement presents the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view of the writer

adequately. The writer demonstrates an adequate understanding of the topic. (“The American Revolution is an important event in not only American history but world history as well. Many different things led up to the start of the war. Some of these things are taxes, massacres committed by the British on colonists, freedom, and wanting independence from Britain.”)

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The essay is devoted to informing the readers about the nature of cause and effect as it relates to the Revolutionary War. (“The only way the colonists

would be able to gain their independence was to show the British that they could indeed be an independent nation. This meant conquering the British. This could only be done by engaging war. The basic want for independence and massacres performed by the British were some good reasons for war. Another equally important cause was taxes. The colonists were tired of being taxed so profoundly on common goods such as tea, so they did something about it. The Boston Tea Party enraged the British because they had lost so much money in goods because of it.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“British soldiers slaughtered dozens of innocent colonist's right in the streets of Boston. Although it might have been the bloodiest act of hate to start the war, the Boston Massacre was not the only cause of war. The want for independence and freedom from the British was another contributor to the start of the war. The

colonists were tired of being dictated by a king.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support.

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. The writer could include more specific details, but his/her examples are adequately explained and make sense to the readers. (“It was also one of the major reasons the war started. British soldiers slaughtered dozens of innocent colonist's right in the streets of Boston. Although it might have been the bloodiest act of hate to start the war, the Boston Massacre was not the only cause of war. The want for independence and freedom from the British was another contributor to the start of the war. The colonists were tired of being dictated by a king. Especially a king that lived

thousands of miles away across the Atlantic ocean.”)

The explanation and details used to convey the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“The colonists were so furious with the tax on tea they dressed up as Indians headed to Boston harbor, and dumped thousands of gallons of Britain's tea straight into the ocean. This was one of the final straws and reasons for the American Revolution. With all these acts of hate and crime against one another, war was sure to break out. Eventually, all of these causes led up to the same effect, and war did indeed break out.”) Providing more specific details would enhance the writer’s descriptions of the events that led up to the Revolutionary War.

The writer provides anecdotal examples that are relevant. The writer could improve his/her essay by including more relevant details and citing credible sources for additional information. (“The basic want for independence and massacres performed by the British were some good reasons for war. Another equally important cause was taxes. The colonists were tired of being taxed so profoundly on common goods such as tea, so they did something about it. The Boston Tea Party enraged the British because they had lost so much money in goods because of it.”)

Organization

The beginning of the essay demonstrates an adequate attempt to introduce the topic by placing the topic in a larger historical context and briefly summarizing the main ideas of the essay. The writer could improve his/her introduction by making a stronger attempt to grab the readers' attention. (“The American Revolution is an important event in not only American history but world history as well. Many different things led up to the start of the war. Some of these things are taxes, massacres committed by the British on colonists, freedom, and wanting independence from Britain. Massacres are brutal no matter what. A

massacre is an attack on innocent and unarmed citizens or a group by another person or group.”)

Subtle transitions are used to connect ideas and add flow to the writing. (“This was an act of hate on the colonists done by the British in 1775. It was also one of the major reasons the war started. British soldiers slaughtered dozens of innocent colonist's right in the streets of Boston. Although it might have been the bloodiest act of hate to start the war, the Boston Massacre was not the only cause of war.”) The writer should incorporate more transitions to connect the ideas in a more meaningful way.

The writer’s conclusion neglects to summarize the main points of the response and does not leave the readers with too much to think about. However, the readers do feel a sense of closure. (“With all these acts of hate and crime against one another, war was sure to break out. Eventually, all of these causes led up to the same effect, and war did indeed break out. The Revolutionary war was not something that happened suddenly. It was provoked by each side by doing things like the Boston massacre, the Boston Tea Party,

and the simple desire to be recognized as a free and independent nation.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. The writer generally creates interesting sentences that adequately convey his/her meaning. (“With all these acts of hate and crime against one another, war was sure to break out. Eventually, all of these causes led up to the same effect, and war did indeed break out. The Revolutionary war was not something that happened suddenly. It was provoked by each side by doing things like the Boston massacre, the Boston Tea Party, and the simple desire to be recognized as a free and independent nation.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the response. He/she provides language that adequately describes the events leading up to the Revolutionary War to the intended audience. The writer consistently explains his/her word choices. (“The colonists were so furious with the tax on tea they dressed up as Indians headed to Boston harbor, and dumped thousands of gallons of Britain's tea straight into the

ocean. This was one of the final straws and reasons for the American Revolution. With all these acts of hate and crime against one another, war was sure to break out. Eventually, all of these causes led up to the same effect, and war did indeed break out.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the essay. (“Some of these things are taxes, massacres committed by the British on colonists, freedom, and wanting independence from Britain. Massacres are brutal no matter what. A massacre is an attack on innocent and unarmed citizens or a group by another person or group. Perhaps one of the most horrendous massacres in history was the Boston Massacre. This was an act of hate on the colonists done by the British in 1775.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

paragraphs are indicated with line breaks. (“The colonists were tired of being taxed so profoundly on common goods such as tea, so they did something about it. The Boston Tea Party enraged the British because they had lost so much money in goods because of it. The colonists were so furious with the tax on tea they dressed up as Indians headed to Boston harbor, and dumped thousands of gallons of Britain's tea straight into the ocean. This was one of the final straws and reasons for the American Revolution.”)

Model Essay

multiple causes and effects of the Revolutionary War. The revolutionary war has a big part upon the american history and there is a lot of people who don't know the basic facts of the war. i am going to explain these causes and effects of the Revolutionary War.

First are the causes of the Revolutionary War. there are multiple reasons for the war. First are the taxes the King put on the colonies after the French and Indian war, with out representation. Some of the taxes are the Stamp Tax, and Tea Tax. the stamp tax put a tax on any paper product from Britain, which was important to the colonist to write back and fourth to their families in Britain. tea tax made the colonist mad because it is a tradition to have tea with guests and everyday events. The taxes where expensive so everyday ordenary people can not aford them.

second are the effects of the Revolutionary war. the biggest effect that almost all americans know and love is the freedom from Britian. There was also deaths and tragies after this war. we then learned how to fight guerille war far which has helped us win others wars from then on. the Peace of Paris granted land and sovereignty, the American economy experienced unsurity and instability, and women, African Americans,

and Native Americans All experienced a shift in their Positions in society. This then made us as a country stronger by bringing us together with out racism and sexism. Alomost all request made by America were meet except Canda. America Lost its trade with Britan. Trade was harder since there was more pirate attacks with out British Navy protecting the ships. Women got more controll as their husbands left farms, homes, and buisness in their hands when they went to fight the war. After the war the Men then relised that women could do more than clean and gave them more privligaes. In the north the Revolutionary war freed some slave by the slave fightin in the war for america.

two paragraphes show and give examples of the causes and the effects of the Revolutionary War. Wth my essay i now hope you have a better understanding of the causes and effects of the Revolutionary War.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the essay. The writer establishes a limited controlling idea and demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she provides limited

descriptions and details that may not give the readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Only some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The essay reveals the controlling idea in a very limited way. (“multiple causes and effects of the Revolutionary War. The revolutionary war has a big part upon the american history and there is a lot of people who don't know the basic facts of the war. i am going to explain these causes and effects of the Revolutionary War. First are the causes of the Revolutionary War. there are multiple reasons for the war. First are the taxes the King put on the colonies after the French and Indian war, with out representation.”)

The writer’s focus is limited. The writer focuses on causes and effects of the Revolutionary War, but the description is limited at best. Often, the writer only dedicates one sentence to each of his/her ideas.

(“Alomost all request made by America were meet except Canda. America Lost its trade with Britan. Trade was harder since there was more pirate attacks with out British Navy protecting the ships. Women got more controll as their husbands left farms, homes, and buisness in their hands when they went to fight the war.

After the war the Men then relised that women could do more than clean and gave them more privligaes. In the north the Revolutionary war freed some slave by the slave fightin in the war for america.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the essay. He/she should include meaningful explanations to illustrate the events leading up to the Revolutionary War. Including specific information and explanations would help the readers picture the subject of the essay in their minds. (“First are the taxes the King put on the colonies after the French and Indian war, with out representation. Some of the taxes are the Stamp Tax, and Tea Tax. the stamp tax put a tax on any paper product from Britain, which was important to the colonist to write back and fourth to their families in Britain. tea tax made the colonist mad because it is a tradition to have tea with guests and everyday events. The taxes where expensive so everyday ordenary

people can not aford them.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The essay develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support.

The essay uses limited details to illustrate the main ideas. The writer presents complicated concepts and

ideas in simplistic and limited terms. (“second are the effects of the Revolutionary war. the biggest effect that almost all americans know and love is the freedom from Britian. There was also deaths and tragies after this war. we then learned how to fight guerille war far which has helped us win others wars from then on. the Peace of Paris granted land and sovereignty, the American economy experienced unsurity and instability, and women, African Americans, and Native Americans All experienced a shift in their Positions in society.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. The writer uses limited details to illustrate his/her ideas, and the main ideas of the essay are explained with an unequal amount of

information. (“the stamp tax put a tax on any paper product from Britain, which was important to the colonist to write back and fourth to their families in Britain. tea tax made the colonist mad because it is a tradition to have tea with guests and everyday events. The taxes where expensive so everyday ordenary people can not aford them. second are the effects of the Revolutionary war. the biggest effect that almost all americans know and love is the freedom from Britian. There was also deaths and tragies after this war.”)

The explanations and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. The writer often moves on to new ideas before fully explaining each of them adequately. (“Alomost all request made by America were meet except Canda. America Lost its trade with Britan. Trade was harder since there was more pirate attacks with out British Navy protecting the ships. Women got more controll as their husbands left farms, homes, and buisness in their hands when they went to fight the war. After the war the Men then relised that women could do more than clean and gave them more privligaes.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a limited introduction. The writer states the topic of the essay in basic terms, but with limited background information and descriptive details, the readers struggle to picture the Revolutionary War in their minds. (“multiple causes and effects of the Revolutionary War. The revolutionary war has a big part upon the american history and there is a lot of people who don't know the basic facts of the war. i am going to explain these causes and effects of the Revolutionary War.”)

Strong transitions within paragraphs and between sentences are needed to enhance the flow of the writer’s ideas. The writer uses rudimentary transitions and connects his/her ideas in a limited way. (“the stamp tax

put a tax on any paper product from Britain, which was important to the colonist to write back and fourth to their families in Britain. tea tax made the colonist mad because it is a tradition to have tea with guests and everyday events. The taxes where expensive so everyday ordenary people can not aford them. second are the effects of the Revolutionary war. the biggest effect that almost all americans know and love is the freedom from Britian. There was also deaths and tragies after this war.”)

Although the conclusion of the essay provides the readers with a sense of closure, it does not summarize the main ideas or leave readers with something to think about. The writer simplistically restates the subject of the essay. He/she could improve the essay by summarizing the main ideas, leaving the readers with something to think about, and drawing final conclusions from the main ideas of the essay. (“After the war the Men then relised that women could do more than clean and gave them more privligaes. In the north the Revolutionary war freed some slave by the slave fightin in the war for america. two paragraphes show and give examples of the causes and the effects of the Revolutionary War. Wth my essay i now hope you have a better understanding of the causes and effects of the Revolutionary War.”)

Language Use & Style

Some sentences are short and simplistic. (“This then made us as a country stronger by bringing us together with out racism and sexism. Alomost all request made by America were meet except Canda. America Lost its trade with Britan. Trade was harder since there was more pirate attacks with out British Navy protecting the ships. Women got more controll as their husbands left farms, homes, and buisness in their hands when

they went to fight the war.”) The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the response more interesting to the intended audience.

Oftentimes, sentences are missing articles, and the writer occasionally makes incorrect word choices.

(“Women got more controll as their husbands left farms, homes, and buisness in their hands when they went to fight the war. After the war the Men then relised that women could do more than clean and gave them more privligaes. In the north the Revolutionary war freed some slave by the slave fightin in the war for america. two paragraphes show and give examples of the causes and the effects of the Revolutionary War. Wth my essay i now hope you have a better understanding of the causes and effects of the

Revolutionary War.”)

The sentences are too informal, and the word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“there are multiple reasons for the war. First are the taxes the King put on the colonies after the French and Indian war, with out representation. Some of the taxes are the Stamp Tax, and Tea Tax. the stamp tax put a tax on any paper product from Britain, which

was important to the colonist to write back and fourth to their families in Britain. tea tax made the colonist mad because it is a tradition to have tea with guests and everyday events. The taxes where expensive so

everyday ordenary people can not aford them.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should begin each sentence with a capital letter, make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with line breaks, check for correct spelling of words, and ensure proper usage of words within the context of sentences. (“tea tax made the colonist mad because it is a tradition to have tea with guests and everyday events. The taxes where expensive so everyday ordenary people can not aford them. second are the effects of the Revolutionary war. the biggest effect that almost all americans know and love is the freedom from Britian. There was also deaths and tragies after this war. we then learned how to fight guerille war far which has helped us win

others wars from then on.”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

revolutionary war was a stupid war. The reason that the clonials left was to escape theh king. I think one of the reasons that the war broke out was to show to the king and to britan that the colonies were going to fight if they had to, to gain there freedom. The king didnt really like that so he decided to send troops over and try to make the clonials become citizens of Great britan again. The second reason that the war started to was the extent the british went just to regain control of the coloines. The british went to the extrem for control. They had no reason for coming to the coloines in the first place the coloines didnt do any thing to provek the britsh until the british tryed to tax and control the coloines.

The third reason i think that the war started was because the coloines just wanted to be free, they didnt want to be controled by any forign goverment. The colonals had there right to freedom they traveled all the way across the altlantic and started with nothing. The colonals started a new country from scratch and it turned out to be the most powerful country in the world. Imagen if the britsh had won the war histroy would be completly diffrent and all of the technolgy that the United States Of America has made. If the british had

won the car might have never been invented. In the end luckly the USA won and became a powerful country.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay only minimally includes a central/controlling idea. (“The second reason that the war started to was the extent the british went just to regain control of the coloines. The british went to the extrem for control. They had no reason for coming to the coloines in the first place the coloines didnt do any thing to provek the britsh until the british tryed to tax and control the coloines.”) The writer misses the opportunity to elaborate on the specific actions of the British Government and the effect it had on the Colonies and the ultimate outcome of the Revolutionary War. Providing more details in a response creates a richly textured message that gives the readers a clear picture of the topic.

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give the readers a true sense of the

events being described. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“The reason that the clonials left was to escape theh king. I think one of the reasons that the war broke out was to show to the king and to britan that the colonies were going to fight if they had to, to gain there freedom. The king didnt really like that so he decided to send troops over and try to make the clonials become citizens of Great britan again.”)

The writer’s details are minimally developed. He/she presents minimally explained ideas and concepts that prevents the readers from clearly understanding the topic of the essay. (“The king didnt really like that so he decided to send troops over and try to make the clonials become citizens of Great britan again. The second reason that the war started to was the extent the british went just to regain control of the coloines.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s thesis statement. The writer’s lack of detail and explanations demonstrates a minimal understanding of the topic of the essay. (“The second reason that the war started to was the extent the british went just to regain control of the coloines. The british went to the extrem for control. They had no reason for coming to the coloines in the first place the coloines didnt do any thing to provek the britsh until the british tryed to tax and control the coloines.”)

In the two-paragraph essay response, the writer does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. Some of the ideas the writer presents are not directly related to the topic of the essay. (“The colonals had there right to freedom they traveled all the way across the altlantic and started with nothing. The colonals started a new country from scratch and it turned out to be the most powerful country in the world. Imagen if the britsh had won the war histroy would be completly diffrent and all of the technolgy that the United States Of America has made. If the british had won the car might have never been invented. In the end luckly the USA won and became a powerful country.”)

Details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. Details should include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations that give the readers a clear picture of events that led up to and resulted from the Revolutionary War. (“The third reason i think that the war started was because the coloines just wanted to be free, they didnt want to be controled by any forign goverment. The colonals had there right to freedom they traveled all the way across the altlantic and started with nothing. The colonals started a new country from scratch and it turned out to be the most powerful country in the world.”)

Organization

Furthermore, the essay demonstrates little evidence of a strong ending.

The essay does not effectively grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. The writer begins his/her essay by condemning the topic of the essay and minimally summarizing the attitudes of the American

Colonists. (“revolutionary war was a stupid war. The reason that the clonials left was to escape theh king. I think one of the reasons that the war broke out was to show to the king and to britan that the colonies were going to fight if they had to, to gain there freedom.”)

There is little evidence of transitional devices to help connect ideas. The writer uses simplistic transitional terms. (“The british went to the extrem for control. They had no reason for coming to the coloines in the first place the coloines didnt do any thing to provek the britsh until the british tryed to tax and control the coloines. The third reason i think that the war started was because the coloines just wanted to be free, they didnt want to be controled by any forign goverment.”)

The essay does little to include a strong conclusion. The writer attempts to discuss the implications of the Revolutionary War but presents these ideas minimally. (“The colonals started a new country from scratch and it turned out to be the most powerful country in the world. Imagen if the britsh had won the war histroy would be completly diffrent and all of the technolgy that the United States Of America has made. If the british had won the car might have never been invented. In the end luckly the USA won and became a powerful country.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentences are short and, in some cases, fragmented. (“revolutionary war was a stupid war. The reason that the clonials left was to escape theh king. I think one of the reasons that the war broke out was to show to the king and to britan that the colonies were going to fight if they had to, to gain there freedom. The king didnt really like that so he decided to send troops over and try to make the clonials become citizens of Great britan again. The second reason that the war started to was the extent the british went just to regain control of the coloines. The british went to the extrem for control.”)

Exact words are missing or are misused, which can affect meaning. (“revolutionary war was a stupid war. The reason that the clonials left was to escape theh king. I think one of the reasons that the war broke out was to show to the king and to britan that the colonies were going to fight if they had to, to gain there freedom.”)

The writer relies on simple sentence structures and informal word choices. He/she explains some complex events and concepts in very simplistic terms and uses inappropriately informal language. (“The king didnt really like that so he decided to send troops over and try to make the clonials become citizens of Great britan again. The second reason that the war started to was the extent the british went just to regain control of the coloines. The british went to the extrem for control. They had no reason for coming to the coloines in the first place the coloines didnt do any thing to provek the britsh until the british tryed to tax and control

the coloines.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized essay. (“They had no reason for coming to the coloines in the first place the coloines didnt do any thing to provek the britsh until the british tryed to tax and control the coloines. The third reason i think that the war started was because the coloines just wanted to be free, they didnt want to be controled by any forign goverment.

The colonals had there right to freedom they traveled all the way across the altlantic and started with nothing.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

the revolution war many action had tribut to it but the three event that i think are most importent where the tax and law the shot at lexington and bringing the british in with out any one permision. if the peple who came to the colony where never tax they wouldnt have try to rebels. they came to the colonys to get away from the british and liv under their own rulin. they want there own life not the life of a british. they where tire of being push around and with the british comin and put tax on there life it made it that much worst. the navigition act was only the begining for the colonist. it inforced colonist to ship all the goods to spain. the only ones who benifited was spain.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. The writer establishes little or no controlling idea and demonstrates little or no understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. The writer barely completes any parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The audience is unable to understand many of the writer’s ideas. (“they came to the colonys to get away from the british and liv under their own rulin. they want there own life not the life of a british. they where tire of being push around and with the british comin and put tax on there life it made it that much worst. the navigition act was only the begining for the colonist. it inforced colonist to ship all the goods to spain. the only ones who benifited was spain.”)

The essay states a central/controlling idea, but it is not developed adequately through examples and descriptive details. Because the writer does not dedicate enough detail or explanation, the ideas in the

essay can only be minimally understood. (“they came to the colonys to get away from the british and liv under their own rulin. they want there own life not the life of a british. they where tire of being push around and with the british comin and put tax on there life it made it that much worst.”)

The essay’s lack of specific details renders the writer’s message ineffective and incomplete. (“they where tire of being push around and with the british comin and put tax on there life it made it that much worst. the navigition act was only the begining for the colonist. it inforced colonist to ship all the goods to spain. the only ones who benifited was spain.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer neglects to develop ideas, using little or no details for support.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. The writer uses minimal details to explain the concepts he/she is discussing. (“if the peple who came to the colony where never tax they wouldnt have try to rebels. they came to the colonys to get away from the british and liv under their own rulin. they want there own life not the life of a british. they where tire of being push around and with the british comin and put tax on there life it made it that much worst.”)

In the one-paragraph response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs. The writer reduces some of the major causes and effects of the revolutionary war down to simplistic terms. (“they where tire of being push around and with the british comin and put tax on there life it made it that much worst. the navigition act was only the begining for the colonist. it inforced colonist to ship all the goods to spain. the only ones who benifited was spain.”)

Details are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Details could include examples, facts, brief

narratives, or explanations to bring the writer’s ideas to life. (“the revolution war many action had tribut to it but the three event that i think are most importent where the tax and law the shot at lexington and bringing the british in with out any one permision. if the peple who came to the colony where never tax they wouldnt have try to rebels. they came to the colonys to get away from the british and liv under their own rulin.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate as well. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure, introduction, or conclusion. In addition, there is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. The writer begins his/her essay by mentioning some important events, but he/she does not explain or introduce them to readers. (“the revolution war many action had tribut to it but the three event that i think are most importent where the tax and law the shot at lexington and bringing the british in with out any one permision. if the peple who came to the colony where never tax they wouldnt have try to rebels.”)

Transitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. The writer does not explain the concepts he/she is discussing. (“if the peple who came to the colony where never tax they wouldnt have try to rebels. they came to the colonys to get away from the british and liv under their own rulin. they want there own life not the life of a british. they where tire of being push around and with the british comin and put tax on there life it made it that much worst. the navigition act was only the begining for the colonist.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The writer ends the essay by introducing a new idea, and the readers are not given a sense of closure or an adequate understanding of the concepts discussed in the essay. (“the navigition act was only the begining for the colonist. it inforced colonist to ship all the goods to spain. the only ones who benifited was spain.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s language use, voice, and style are inadequate. He/she demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The writer makes incorrect word choices and often uses incorrect or abbreviated spellings. (“if the peple who came to the colony where never tax they wouldnt have try to rebels. they came to the colonys to get away from the british and liv under their own rulin. they want there own life not the life of a british. they where tire of being push around and with the british comin and put tax on there life it made it that much worst.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended

audience. Because of the structure of some of the writer’s sentences, the response is occasionally difficult to understand. (“the revolution war many action had tribut to it but the three event that i think are most

importent where the tax and law the shot at lexington and bringing the british in with out any one permision. if the peple who came to the colony where never tax they wouldnt have try to rebels. they came to the colonys to get away from the british and liv under their own rulin.”)

The writer relies on simple sentences and word choices. The writer’s sentences are often simplistic. (“the navigition act was only the begining for the colonist. it inforced colonist to ship all the goods to spain. the only ones who benifited was spain.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure that the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas. The essay is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“they where tire of being push around and with the british comin and put tax on there life it made it that much worst. the navigition act was only the begining for the colonist. it inforced colonist to ship all the goods to spain. the only ones who benifited was spain.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

History is full of events that many people wish had different outcomes, such as battles, wars, and assassinations. If you could go back in time and change a historic event, what would you change, and how would that alter history from that time forward? In a well-developed essay, describe your change to a historic event and its resulting impact on history.

Model Essay

"Ouch!" the little girl cries out as sand blows into her eyes. This is nothing compared to the dust storms of

the 1930’s. These series of storms became known as the Dust Bowl. The Dust Bowl storms rank among the worst environmental disasters in world history. The wind and dust storms were mainly in Colorado, Kansas, New Mexico, Oklahoma, and Texas. If I had the chance to change something about history, I would change it so that the Dust Bowl never occurred. If the Dust bowl had never happened millions of acres of land would not have been damaged, thousands of people would not have had to leave the area, and people would not have been permanently traumatized or killed by the storms.

To begin with, the storms damaged about fifty million acres of land. An additional fifty million acres were endangered before conservation measures began to take effect. The soil of that area had become loose and dry by the early 1930’s due to people not caring for the land. In 1931, a drought began that lasted seven years; therefore, the soil was easily eroded and blown away. One of the first major destructive storms that struck carried approximately 350 million tons of precious soil all the way to the east coast. Even after the dust storms were over, the farmers had to be careful of the way they treated the land. If the dust bowl had never happened, the land would not have had to suffer such damages and undergo rehabilitation that took many years to bring the land back to the way it was before.

Another unfortunate event that would be avoided is the migration of thousands of people due to various reasons. The Dust bowl exodus was the largest migration in American history. By 1940, 2.5 million people had moved out of the area. Many farm families were forced to leave because of their homes being seized in foreclosure and their land barren of crops. Others that were not forced to leave chose to any way. They saw no chance of making a living, and so they abandoned their homes and land, and fled westward to become migrant workers. People saw everything they had worked for destroyed, fields in ruin, children choking on dust. Desperate farmers and their families gave up and moved on, taking to the road. The people who lived in the Dust Bowl area were not the only people affected. In fact, the agricultural devastation that caused many to leave helped to lengthen the Great Depression, whose effects were felt worldwide. If I were able to change the dust bowl, millions of people would not have had to go through what was the worst period of their lives.

Clearly, the storms had both mental and physical effects on people. Becoming lost in a dust storm was a traumatic and sometimes fatal experience. One seven-year-old boy got caught in a storm and was found the next morning by a search party. They found him covered with dust, smothered. 1934 was extremely hot with new records being made and broken at regular intervals. Even though the dust storms are not as bad as previous years, before the year had run its course, hundreds of people had died from the heat. The year 1936 was even worse. The number of dust storms increased and the temperature broke the 1934 record high by soaring above 120 degrees. Men, women, and children stayed in their houses and tied handkerchiefs over their noses and mouths. When they dared to leave, they added goggles to protect their eyes. The simplest acts of life- breathing, eating, taking a walk- were no longer simple. Surgeons and dentists tried to fight the problems of sterilization and failed. The dust storms were becoming a health hazard. Laboratory experiments revealed that the dust contained a high silica content which had a poisoning effect on the body similar to that of lead. It weakens one’s resistance to disease and becomes exceedingly irritating to the

mucus membranes of the respiratory system. It contributed to acute respiratory infections and increased the number of deaths from pneumonia. If the Dust bowl had never occurred, all those people would not have been traumatized and people would not have died.

If the Dust Bowl had never occurred, millions of acres of land would not have been ruined, people would not have had to leave their homes, and both the mental and physical health of people would not have been harmed. The Dust Bowl had a negative effect on every one. The effects were felt worldwide through the Great Depression. I think that history would benefit if something this negative had never happened. This environmental disaster was like none other.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by very effectively using an interesting statement in the beginning of the introduction. (“‘Ouch!’ the little girl cries out as sand blows into her eyes.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central idea very effectively. (“By 1940, 2.5 million people had moved out of the area. Many farm families were forced to leave because of their homes being seized in foreclosure and their land barren of crops. Others that were not forced to leave chose to any way. They saw no chance of making a living, and so they abandoned their homes and land, and fled westward to become migrant workers.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“If the Dust bowl had never happened millions of acres of land would not have been damaged, thousands of people would not have had to leave the area, and people would not have been permanently traumatized or killed by the storms.”)

Content & Development

The essay develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details for support. The essay’s relevant points explain and illustrate the consequences of the “Dust Bowl” crisis very effectively.

Relevant points explain and illustrate very effectively. (“Clearly, the storms had both mental and physical effects on people. Becoming lost in a dust storm was a traumatic and sometimes fatal experience. One seven-year-old boy got caught in a storm and was found the next morning by a search party. They found him covered with dust, smothered. 1934 was extremely hot with new records being made and broken at

regular intervals.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph very effectively develop the main idea of the topic sentence. In fact, they go well beyond the requirements in terms of statistics and research. (“To begin with, the storms damaged about fifty million acres of land. An additional fifty million acres were endangered before conservation measures began to take effect. The soil of that area had become loose and dry by the early 1930’s due to people not caring for the land. In 1931, a drought began that lasted seven years; therefore, the soil was easily eroded and blown away. One of the first major destructive storms that struck carried approximately 350 million tons of precious soil all the way to the east coast. Even after the dust storms were over, the farmers had to be careful of the way they treated the land. If the dust bowl had never happened, the land would not have had to suffer such damages and undergo rehabilitation that took many years to bring the land back to the way it was before.”)

The essay includes statistics, facts, and/or tells a small story about each of the main ideas. The result is a well-formed argument that engages and informs readers. (“Even though the dust storms are not as bad as previous years, before the year had run its course, hundreds of people had died from the heat. The year

1936 was even worse. The number of dust storms increased and the temperature broke the 1934 record high by soaring above 120 degrees. Men, women, and children stayed in their houses and tied handkerchiefs

over their noses and mouths.”)

Organization

This essay has very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, effective use of paragraphing, and effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The essay demonstrates a very effective introduction that grabs the readers’ attention in the opening sentence, includes significant background information, and ends with an excellent thesis statement.

(“‘Ouch!’ the little girl cries out as sand blows into her eyes. This is nothing compared to the dust storms of the 1930’s. These series of storms became known as the Dust Bowl. The Dust Bowl storms rank among the worst environmental disasters in world history. The wind and dust storms were mainly in Colorado, Kansas, New Mexico, Oklahoma, and Texas. If I had the chance to change something about history, I would change it so that the Dust Bowl never occurred. If the Dust bowl had never happened millions of acres of land would not have been damaged, thousands of people would not have had to leave the area, and people would not have been permanently traumatized or killed by the storms.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“If I were able to change the dust bowl, millions of people would not have had to go through what was the worst period of their

lives…Clearly, the storms had both mental and physical effects on people.”)

While short, the conclusion summarizes the main points of the essay very effectively. (“If the Dust Bowl had never occurred, millions of acres of land would not have been ruined, people would not have had to leave their homes, and both the mental and physical health of people would not have been harmed. The Dust Bowl had a negative effect on every one. The effects were felt worldwide through the Great Depression. I think that history would benefit if something this negative had never happened. This environmental disaster was like none other.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. Well-structured and varied sentences are also used.

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“Clearly, the storms had both mental and physical effects on people. Becoming lost in a dust storm was a traumatic and sometimes fatal

experience.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the paragraphs are related. Thus, they strengthen the thesis statement of the essay. (“If the Dust bowl had never happened millions of acres of land would not have been damaged, thousands of people would not have had to leave the area, and people would not have been permanently traumatized or killed by the

storms…To begin with, the storms damaged about fifty million acres of land…Another unfortunate event that would be avoided is the migration of thousands of people due to various reasons…Clearly, the storms had both mental and physical effects on people.”)

The following complex sentence is used effectively: “If the dust bowl had never happened, the land would not have had to suffer such damages and undergo rehabilitation that took many years to bring the land back to the way it was before.”

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb,

contains a punctuation mark, and begins with a capital letter. (“Men, women, and children stayed in their houses and tied handkerchiefs over their noses and mouths. When they dared to leave, they added goggles to protect their eyes. The simplest acts of life- breathing, eating, taking a walk- were no longer simple.”)

Model Essay

History is full of tragic events that many people wish had different outcomes such as wars and battles. Have you ever wanted to go back in time to change one of these horrifying accounts? If I could go back in time and change a historic event it would most definitely be the 9-11 attack of 2001. Several terrorists high- jacked two airplanes and crashed them into the World Trade Center of New York City and also part of the Pentagon. I would love to change this awful time because thousands of innocent people lost their lives, the famous and meaningful Twin Towers no longer exist, and we have been at war for seven years now.

America would thus be spared from all the grief we have faced as a result of this attack.

America suffered greatly for the loss of the innocent people killed on 9-11. I love to have the opportunity to change this event so I could bring all those unfortunate people back. All of the people that were on the

high-jacked airplanes were killed, as well as both the people in the Towers and the rescue workers at the crime scene. The people who stepped foot onto those airplanes that morning had no idea that it would be their last day alive. All of the people who went to work at the Trade Center thought it would be just an average day for them as well. Rescue workers of NYC risked their lives to save as many as they possibly could and many lost their lives in the line of duty. If I could prevent this event from occurring all of the people murdered would be reunited with their families again and would be no longer be living in grief and sadness. This would be a wonderful reason to change this horrific event and I would love to do so.

On 9-11, we not only lost several thousand American citizens, but we also suffered the loss of two valuable buildings. The World Trade Center was a famous and historical site that was not only significant to America, but the whole world. These two buildings were known as the twin towers because their appearances were exactly the same. They were two of the tallest buildings in the world and a very important place of trade. These historic and beautiful buildings are now no longer with us and that still causes America much pain today.

As a result of the foreign high-jackers committing this crime as a threat to our nation, we are now at war with Iraq. Immediately following this attack, our president sent all troops to Iraq to defend our beautiful country we are so fortunate to live in. All military personnel went willing to fight without thinking twice about it. They knew what had to be done and were going to do it at any cost, even the cost of their lives. At the beginning of the war, no one expected it to last as long as it has which is almost seven years. Our country is still suffering greatly from this war, and every person in this nation is ready for the day that war is declared over and our troops can safely return home. I would love to change this event and end the war with Iraq.

September 11, 2001 was a day that America was deeply hurt and threatened. If I could back in time and change a historic event, this would have to be the one I’d choose to change. Several thousand innocent

people lost their lives, the World Trade Center was destroyed, and we still remain at war with Iraq. If this event did not occur, America would be a lot different and perhaps a lot better off then what it is today.

Although this event did happen we will always remain strong and be one nation under God.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay shows good focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea, demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes most parts of the task.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by using an engaging statement and then a question at the beginning of the introduction. (“History is full of tragic events that many people wish had different outcomes such as wars and battles. Have you ever wanted to go back in time to change one of these horrifying accounts?”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. (“All of the people that were on the high-jacked airplanes were killed, as well as both the people in the Towers and the rescue workers at the

crime scene.”)

The language of the thesis fits the effective examples very well. (“I would love to change this awful time because thousands of innocent people lost their lives, the famous and meaningful Twin Towers no longer exist, and we have been at war for seven years now.”)

Content & Development

This essay displays good content and development. The writer develops ideas clearly while using sufficient and appropriate details for support.

Supporting details develop the example well. (“Immediately following this attack, our president sent all troops to Iraq to defend our beautiful country we are so fortunate to live in. All military personnel went willing to fight without thinking twice about it. They knew what had to be done and were going to do it at any cost, even the cost of their lives. At the beginning of the war, no one expected it to last as long as it has which is almost seven years.”)

The content in the body paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain the paragraph’s main idea. (“On 9-11, we not only lost several thousand American citizens, but we also suffered the loss of two valuable buildings. The World Trade Center was a famous and historical site that was not only significant to America, but the whole world. These two buildings were known as the twin towers because their appearances were exactly the same. They were two of the tallest buildings in the world and a very important place of trade. These historic and beautiful buildings are now no longer with us and that still

causes America much pain today.”)

Specific information about the impact of the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks on America is developed clearly. (“The people who stepped foot onto those airplanes that morning had no idea that it would be their last day alive. All of the people who went to work at the Trade Center thought it would be just an average day for them as well. Rescue workers of NYC risked their lives to save as many as they possibly could and many lost their lives in the line of duty. If I could prevent this event from occurring all of the people murdered would be reunited with their families again and would be no longer be living in grief and sadness. This would be a wonderful reason to change this horrific event and I would love to do so.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and consistent use of transitional devices.

The introduction provides enough information for the readers to understand the connection between the

background information and the thesis statement. (“If I could go back in time and change a historic event it would most definitely be the 9-11 attack of 2001. Several terrorists high-jacked two airplanes and crashed them into the World Trade Center of New York City and also part of the Pentagon. I would love to change this awful time because thousands of innocent people lost their lives, the famous and meaningful Twin Towers no longer exist, and we have been at war for seven years now. America would thus be spared from all the grief we have faced as a result of this attack.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“As a result of the foreign high- jackers committing this crime as a threat to our nation, we are now at war with Iraq. Immediately following this attack, our president sent all troops to Iraq to defend our beautiful country we are so fortunate to live in. All military personnel went willing to fight without thinking twice about it. They knew what had to be

done and were going to do it at any cost, even the cost of their lives. At the beginning of the war, no one expected it to last as long as it has which is almost seven years.”)

The conclusion effectively leaves readers with something to think about. (“September 11, 2001 was a day that America was deeply hurt and threatened. If I could back in time and change a historic event, this would have to be the one I’d choose to change. Several thousand innocent people lost their lives, the World Trade Center was destroyed, and we still remain at war with Iraq. If this event did not occur, America would be a lot different and perhaps a lot better off then what it is today. Although this event did happen we will

always remain strong and be one nation under God.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice, a clear sense of audience, and well-structured sentences with some variety.

The language and tone are consistent in each of the three main idea sentences of the body paragraphs.

(“America suffered greatly for the loss of the innocent people killed on 9-11… On 9-11, we not only lost

several thousand American citizens, but we also suffered the loss of two valuable buildings… As a result of the foreign high-jackers committing this crime as a threat to our nation, we are now at war with Iraq.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the thesis statement of the essay. The following two paragraphs are examples:

“‘On 9-11, we not only lost several thousand American citizens, but we also suffered the loss of two valuable buildings. The World Trade Center was a famous and historical site that was not only significant to America, but the whole world. These two buildings were known as the twin towers because their appearances were exactly the same. They were two of the tallest buildings in the world and a very important place of trade. These historic and beautiful buildings are now no longer with us and that still

causes America much pain today.’

‘As a result of the foreign high-jackers committing this crime as a threat to our nation, we are now at war with Iraq. Immediately following this attack, our president sent all troops to Iraq to defend our beautiful country we are so fortunate to live in. All military personnel went willing to fight without thinking twice about it. They knew what had to be done and were going to do it at any cost, even the cost of their lives. At the beginning of the war, no one expected it to last as long as it has which is almost seven years. Our country is still suffering greatly from this war, and every person in this nation is ready for the day that war is declared over and our troops can safely return home. I would love to change this event and end the war with Iraq.’”

The compound sentence, “Our country is still suffering greatly from this war, and every person in this nation is ready for the day that war is declared over and our troops can safely return home,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, and especially punctuation (i.e., the use of commas), but they do not interfere with the message. (“If I could prevent this event from occurring all of the people murdered would be reunited with their

families again and would be no longer be living in grief and sadness.”)

Model Essay

There are many historical events that I think could have turned out better. The main one that comes to mind is dropping the atomic bomb on Japan during World War II. I believe that through it all we should have found a better way to do things than to drop that bomb. So many people were killed and even today people are still dying because of what we did. I truly think that we could have found a better way.

In my own personal opinion I believe that war should be a very last resort. There are so many ways to fix such things that are less destructive. Ways that are not a waste of human life or supplies. Now, not all wars are a waste, but if there is a better way to fix things then I believe we should use them. This belief has caused me to believe that Hiroshima and Nagasaki could have been avoided. Maybe if we had solved our differences peacefully then all those Japanese people wouldn’t have died. Maybe if we hadn’t dropped that bomb then all those men, women, and children wouldn’t have gotten leukemia. The problem is that no one cares about any life but their own anymore.

We killed as many as 140,000 Japanese in Hiroshima and 80,000 in Nagasaki by 1945. Since then thousands more have lost their lives because of illnesses or wounds related to the bombings. People are still dying today from leukemia. Most of the lives lost were civilians. If we could have found some way to talk

it out or compromise than we wouldn’t have lost all of those innocent lives. Even if we couldn’t talk it out did we truly have to kill so many innocent people? People who didn’t have a part in the war? People who were unwillingly pulled into a horrible thing because of us? We could have at least attacked the military, not the bystanders. If there was no possible way to be civilized about things, then we should have hurt the military and not the people of the country. If we truly needed to drop that bomb than we should have dropped it on a large military base, not a town.

History is absolutely brimming with terrible events. The thing is, there’s nothing we can do about it now. Even if we want to we can’t change what has already happened, we can take from those events and learn. We can put our newfound knowledge to use and try and stop anything like that from happening again. No matter how much I hate what happened I can’t fix it now, and I wouldn’t have been able to have any say in what happened anyway. So, I can just hope that we never do anything that horrible again.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea, demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes many parts of the task.

The thesis states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. Yet, it could have been organized in a manner that combines several ideas into one sentence. (“I believe that through it all we should have found a better way to do things than to drop that bomb. So many people were killed and even today people are still dying because of what we did. I truly think that we could have found a better way.”)

The writer adequately shows he/she understands the intended audience. (“If there was no possible way to be civilized about things, then we should have hurt the military and not the people of the country. If we truly needed to drop that bomb than we should have dropped it on a large military base, not a town.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience with little use of slang or contractions. (“If there was no possible way to be civilized about things, then we should have hurt the military and not the people of the country. If we truly needed to drop that bomb than we should have dropped it on a large military base, not a town.”)

Content & Development

This essay has adequate content and development. It develops ideas adequately and uses sufficient details for support.

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Ways that are not a waste of human life or supplies. Now, not all wars are a waste, but if there is a better way to fix things then I believe we should use them. This belief has caused me to believe that Hiroshima and Nagasaki could have been avoided.

Maybe if we had solved our differences peacefully then all those Japanese people wouldn’t have died. Maybe if we hadn’t dropped that bomb then all those men, women, and children wouldn’t have gotten leukemia.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraph support the thesis. (“In my own personal opinion I believe that war should be a very last resort. There are so many ways to fix such things that are less destructive… We killed as many as 140,000 Japanese in Hiroshima and 80,000 in Nagasaki by 1945. Since then thousands more

have lost their lives because of illnesses or wounds related to the bombings.”)

The essay includes facts and statistics about the most important main idea. (“We killed as many as 140,000 Japanese in Hiroshima and 80,000 in Nagasaki by 1945. Since then thousands more have lost their lives because of illnesses or wounds related to the bombings. People are still dying today from leukemia. Most of the lives lost were civilians.”)

Organization

The introduction includes a short but solid sentence that explains what the essay is about. However, the writer should have placed the sentence at the end of the introduction to make his/her explanation clearer. (“I believe that through it all we should have found a better way to do things than to drop that bomb.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. They are subtle but show clear effort to separate thoughts and details. (“If we truly needed to drop that bomb than we should have dropped it on a large military base, not a town…History is absolutely brimming with terrible events. The

thing is, there’s nothing we can do about it now.”)

The conclusion adequately connects the information in the essay with something that is happening in the world. (“We can put our newfound knowledge to use and try and stop anything like that from happening again. No matter how much I hate what happened I can’t fix it now, and I wouldn’t have been able to have any say in what happened anyway. So, I can just hope that we never do anything that horrible again.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay uses appropriate language and word choice and shows an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“We killed as many as 140,000 Japanese in Hiroshima and 80,000 in Nagasaki by 1945. Since then thousands more have lost their lives because of illnesses or wounds related to the bombings. People are still dying today from leukemia. Most of the lives lost were civilians. If we

could have found some way to talk it out or compromise than we wouldn’t have lost all of those innocent lives.”)

Exact and specific words from the research and the prompt task are used adequately. (“This belief has caused me to believe that Hiroshima and Nagasaki could have been avoided. Maybe if we had solved our differences peacefully then all those Japanese people wouldn’t have died. Maybe if we hadn’t dropped that bomb then all those men, women, and children wouldn’t have gotten leukemia.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor. (“The problem is that no one cares about any life but their own anymore.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

compromise than we wouldn’t have lost all of those innocent lives. Even if we couldn’t talk it out did we truly have to kill so many innocent people?”)

Model Essay

If history could rewrite itself and change any event, it should be Martin Luther King Jr.’s death. Many things in our country would be different if this had not happened, none for the worse. There would be less racism, discrimination, and deaths due to civil right’s movements. If nobody shot Martin Luther King Jr., one can just imagine the wisdom he could have brought us.

Martin Luther King Jr. was an idol for many blacks (and some whites) during the Civil Rights Movement. He wrote the famous, "I Have a Dream" speech and inspired millions to be pro-black. Many hated him, however, because he they knew he was honest and could change this nation for the better. People tried to end his life many times. But, it never slowed him down. He could have taught so many more people and could have changed many more minds about racism had he been alive just a few years longer.

Although he is not with us today, his life, and death has had a lasting impact in our nation’s history. He had potential to do more, but his life was short-lived because one selfish person could not bear to hear the truth. Our nation has had much improvement on racism and such since Martin Luther King Jr.’s death. However, the process would have been a lot faster had he still been alive.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay has limited focus and meaning. While it establishes a controlling idea, it demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience and completes only some parts of the task.

The essay states a limited controlling idea. (“If nobody shot Martin Luther King Jr., one can just imagine the wisdom he could have brought us.”)

In the introduction, only a limited supporting idea of the essay is stated. (“There would be less racism, discrimination, and deaths due to civil right’s movements.”)

The writing style is not always appropriate for the audience. (“He had potential to do more, but his life was short-lived because one selfish person could not bear to hear the truth.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates limited content and development. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently while using insufficient details for support.

The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Martin Luther King Jr. was an idol for many blacks (and some whites) during the Civil Rights Movement. He wrote the famous, "I Have a Dream" speech and inspired millions to be pro-black. Many hated him, however, because he they knew he was honest and could change this nation for the better. People tried to end his life many times. But, it never slowed him down. He could have taught so many more people and could have changed many more minds about racism had he been alive just a few years longer.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraph do not fully support the thesis. (“If nobody shot Martin Luther King Jr., one can just imagine the wisdom he could have brought us…Martin Luther King Jr. was an idol for many blacks (and some whites) during the Civil Rights Movement.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“People tried to end his life many times. But, it never slowed him down. He could have taught so many more people and could have changed many more minds about racism had he been alive just a few years longer.”)

Organization

This essay displays some organization, but it is limited. It demonstrates evidence of structure but with an uncertain introduction and conclusion; further, it lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates evidence of a good introduction, one that attempts to grab the readers’ attention. (“If history could rewrite itself and change any event, it should be Martin Luther King Jr.’s death. Many things in our country would be different if this had not happened, none for the worse. There would be less racism, discrimination, and deaths due to civil right’s movements. If nobody shot Martin Luther King Jr., one can just imagine the wisdom he could have brought us.”)

The introduction attempts to include a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“If nobody shot Martin Luther King Jr., one can just imagine the wisdom he could have brought us.”)

The conclusion attempts to leave the readers with something to think about in regard to the potential impact Martin Luther King, Jr. would have had if he was not assassinated. (“Our nation has had much

improvement on racism and such since Martin Luther King Jr.’s death. However, the process would have been a lot faster had he still been alive.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates simple language and word choice and some awareness of audience and control of voice.

Sentence lengths are short. (“People tried to end his life many times. But, it never slowed him down.”)

There is repetition. (“He could have taught so many more people and could have changed many more minds about racism had he been alive just a few years longer. He had potential to do more, but his life was short-lived because one selfish person could not bear to hear the truth.”)

The writer should use more varied and appropriate transitions. (“Our nation has had much improvement on racism and such since Martin Luther King Jr.’s death. However, the process would have been a lot faster had he still been alive.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are several noticeable errors in capitalization, mechanics, and punctuation that may interfere with the communication of the message. (“There would be less racism, discrimination, and deaths due to civil

right’s movements.”)

Model Essay

History is in everything we do. Some events in history are considered more important then others. History isn’t my favorite thing to study, but there are a few events that take my interest. There is a famous bullrider named Lane Frost, he is in the hall of fame. He also died riding a bull named Red Rock. If I could change this event I would his death and his last ride. The impact would change the way we look at him as a bullrider.

He wouldn’t have rode in that rodeo or at least not that bull, he would have lived many more years. If I could change history, I would change the bull he rode.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay has minimal focus and meaning. The writer suggests a controlling idea but demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and completes few parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“He wouldn’t have rode in that rodeo or at least not that bull, he would have lived many more years. If I could change history, I would change the bull he rode.”)

In the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is not stated. (“The impact would change the way we look at him as a bullrider.”)

The writing style is not appropriate for the audience. (“History isn’t my favorite thing to study, but there are a few events that take my interest.”)

Content & Development

The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. (“If I could change this event I would his death and his last ride. The impact would change the way we look at him as a bullrider…He wouldn’t have rode in that rodeo or at least not that bull, he would have lived many more years. If I could change history, I would change the bull he rode.”)

Each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“The impact would

change the way we look at him as a bullrider…He wouldn’t have rode in that rodeo or at least not that bull, he would have lived many more years. If I could change history, I would change the bull he rode.”)

Important details, including examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“If I could change history, I would change the bull he rode.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction, no conclusion or concluding statement, and little evidence of either paragraphing or transitional devices.

The first sentence of the introduction does little to include a question, a quotation, or an interesting fact or statistic. (“History is in everything we do.”)

There is little evidence of transitional devices to help connect ideas. (“He wouldn’t have rode in that rodeo or at least not that bull, he would have lived many more years. If I could change history, I would change the bull he rode.”)

Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. (“The impact would change the way we look at him as a bullrider…He wouldn’t have rode in that rodeo or at least not that bull, he would have lived many more years.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience. The writer makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentence lengths are short. (“History is in everything we do. Some events in history are considered more important then others.”)

There is repetition of ideas and sentence structure. (“If I could change this event I would his death and his last ride…If I could change history, I would change the bull he rode.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“There is a famous bullrider named Lane Frost, he is in the hall of fame. He also died riding a bull named Red Rock. If I could change this event I would his death and his last ride.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. (“He wouldn’t have rode in that rodeo or at least not that bull, he would have lived many more years.”)

Model Essay

There are many things in history that we all wished had never happened. Like the Civil War and World War I and World War II. But there is one major thing I would change in history. And that would be the Holocaust. Adolph HItler was the ruler of Germany who started it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer fails to establish a full controlling idea, demonstrates no understanding of purpose and audience, and completes no parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“And that would be the Holocaust. Adolph HItler was the ruler of Germany who started it.”)

In the introduction, the supporting idea of the essay is not stated. (“But there is one major thing I would change in history. And that would be the Holocaust. Adolph HItler was the ruler of Germany who started it.”)

In the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is not stated. The writer does not state a reason for why he/she would change the Holocaust. (“But there is one major thing I would change in history. And that would be the Holocaust. Adolph HItler was the ruler of Germany who started it.”)

Content & Development

The writer fails to develop ideas and uses no details for support. Little or no evidence is used to explain the controlling idea of the essay. (“Adolph HItler was the ruler of Germany who started it.”)

At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. The essay merely consists of one very short

introductory paragraph. (“There are many things in history that we all wished had never happened. Like the Civil War and World War I and World War II. But there is one major thing I would change in history. And that would be the Holocaust. Adolph HItler was the ruler of Germany who started it.”)

Details, including examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations, are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Adolph HItler was the ruler of Germany who started it.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with little introduction, no conclusion, and no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a good introduction. (“There are many things in history that we all wished had never happened. Like the Civil War and World War I and World War II. But there is one major thing I would change in history. And that would be the Holocaust. Adolph HItler was the ruler of Germany who started it.”)

The first sentence of the introduction does not include a question, a quotation, or an interesting fact or statistic. (“There are many things in history that we all wished had never happened.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. In fact, no conclusion or even a concluding idea exists. (“Adolph HItler was the ruler of Germany who started it.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentence lengths are short. (“And that would be the Holocaust.”)

The essay should use more varied and appropriate transitions. (“But there is one major thing I would change in history. And that would be the Holocaust.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“But there is one major thing I would change in history. And that would be the Holocaust.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that interfere with the communication of the message. More importantly, the essay is far too short to evaluate the writer’s understanding and

application of proper grammar, spelling, and punctuation. (“There are many things in history that we all wished had never happened. Like the Civil War and World War I and World War II. But there is one major thing I would change in history. And that would be the Holocaust. Adolph HItler was the ruler of Germany who started it.”)

Character traits in fictional or real people may have positive or negative effects on the people around them.

Select a person, real or fictional, who possesses character traits that influence others in a positive or negative way. Write an essay in which you describe this person's character traits and provide examples of how these traits affect other people.

Model Essay

A geek that can bench press more than a professional football player and a "fob" who single handedly changed the Hollywood scene. At first glance one would see a short, skinny, cocky, typical Chinese extra, but in reality they are looking at the world's most elite martial artist who had virtues as strong as his punches and unfortunately a short fuse. The cockiness boosted his career and was shown his movies as a trademark. As well as breaking bones in his movies, he broke stereotypes. One was when Hollywood signed him, he broke the Asian stereotype as "extras". Bruce lee was a very virtuous man and he taught many aspects besides martial arts. His teachings went all around the world and people till this day believe in what he taught, as well as use.This man did not just change Hollywood, but influenced the world as well.

Bruce Lee single handedly reshaped the Hollywood scene by being an epitome of Martial arts. Hollywood saw this jujitsu master and they had to put him in a film as soon as possible. Although by doing that they broke many stereotypes. First of all the Asian one. When an Asian is in a film they are usually an extra, but that's not the case with Bruce Lee. In a movie an Asian actor would be used to play a railroad worker or a role that is not very important. Bruce Lee changed all of that by starring in his movies, defeating 8 foot Africans, a man with a metal bear claw, and cracking the neck of enemies with his foot. With this description you would think he's another Steven Seagal look-a-like, but actually he's a 5' 7" man who weighs 140 pounds. This is not the average statistics for an action hero who takes on ogres and a class full of black belts. By signing Bruce lee to Hollywood they broke the Asian extra stereotype by making him the main character due to his extreme talents in the martial arts field. This man also makes a typical Asian you would see on the street an action hero.

This action hero was not only known as a jujitsu master, but a teacher full of virtues. 'Enter your mind, be formless, shapeless, like water . Now you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup , you put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle ,you put it into a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now water can flow, or it can crash. Be water, my friend. Running water never grows stale, so you gotta just keep on flowing. This quote by Bruce Lee was frequently used to his students and followers of his teachings. He believed that strength is not in body and force was not power. To him it was all in the mind and if you focus, you will achieve.

This was shown when Bruce Lee attempted to knock over a man sitting down with a one inch punch. The attempt by Bruce Lee proved to be a success. Bruce Lee also believed that you have to sink in what is useful, throw away what is not, and add what is your own, but to him that was not enough. He says "knowing something is not enough, you must apply." Bruce Lee was a wise man, one of the best action heros, a jujitsu master, and a teacher. He influenced Asians all over the world and touched many people with his words, teachings, and films.

An elite martial artist with a short fuse is a deadly combination especially in Bruce Lee's case. A trademark of Bruce Lee that is not that great is that he is short tempered. One little thing can set him off and its over for that other person. Bruce Lee was known to get mad frequently and he did not handle these situations very well. He's that type of person that does not enjoy that certain look on the other persons face. With his kick your face in, if you look at me wrong attitude, he was bound to get into lots of trouble. Before Bruce Lee would get into many fights and used martial arts as a way of discipline. Though it disciplined him, he

had that short fuse still in him. Though no one knew that this man with a short temper would become a Hollywood success and a worldwide teacher.

Though he may seem like your typical Asian, little did people know he was an epitome of martial arts. the Asian Hollywood stereotype destroyer, short tempered, arrogant, virtuous, teacher, and an influence on the world. He single handedly changed the Hollywood scene for Asians and opened the door for many like Jackie chan and Jet Li. Bruce Lee also was a teacher of his beliefs on martial arts and strength. He was a very virtuous man and shared his knowledge with the world. Though some people would consider Bruce Lee an arrogant and short tempered man he had an impact on many. He influenced martial artist and the followers of his teachings. This is why Bruce Lee is in "Time Magazine" as an idol and a part of the top 100.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus of this essay can be best described as very effective. The writer establishes a creative and

thoughtful central idea. (“He single handedly changed the Hollywood scene for Asians and opened the door for many like Jackie chan and Jet Li. Bruce Lee also was a teacher of his beliefs on martial arts and

strength. He was a very virtuous man and shared his knowledge with the world.”) The focus of the essay is firmly maintained throughout by the author’s use of insightful comments and analogies. The author also understands and engages with the audience. All parts of the task have been completed; in several instances, the writer demonstrates an ability to go beyond the limits of the task and establishes perceptive ideas and arguments.

Content & Development

The writer develops his/her ideas in a very creative, insightful, and effective manner. This essay contains a wide variety of appropriate details and analogies that are original and bring insight to the writer’s argument. (“Bruce Lee also believed that you have to sink in what is useful, throw away what is not, and add what is your own, but to him that was not enough. He says "knowing something is not enough, you must apply.”)

Organization

The organization in this essay is both evident and very effective. There is a cohesive and unified structure that engages the reader. (“At first glance one would see a short, skinny, cocky, typical Chinese extra, but in reality they are looking at the world's most elite martial artist who had virtues as strong as his punches and unfortunately a short fuse.”) The author establishes and maintains this structure by writing an insightful introduction, effective supporting paragraphs, and a strong conclusion. The writer also uses a significant amount of relevant evidence to better strengthen his/her argument. This essay also exhibits an effective use of transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

The use of language in this essay is effective, artful and precise. The writer’s voice is strongly and clearly defined throughout the essay. The writer is clearly aware of his/her audience and uses a wide variety of ideas and well-structured sentences to best engage the reader. (“With this description you would think he's another Steven Seagal look-a-like, but actually he's a 5' 7" man who weighs 140 pounds. This is not the average statistics for an action hero who takes on ogres and a class full of black belts. By signing Bruce lee to Hollywood they broke the Asian extra stereotype.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates a very effective control of conventions and mechanics. (“At first glance one would see a short, skinny, cocky, typical Chinese extra, but in reality they are looking at the world's most elite

martial artist who had virtues as strong as his punches.”) There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling.

Model Essay

" I keep on Fallin." One of the most influential and talented singers of this generation, Alicia Keys has made a huge impact on the world. That is why I choose Alicia Keys as my person of influence. I choose Alicia keys as a person on influence because her music is meaningful and her talent in phenomenal. In this essay I will discuss Alicia's background and why she is influential.

Alicia "Augello" Cook was born January 25,1981 in New York City. Alicia is a single child to her ultra- supportive Mother, Nikki Augello. Alicia fell in love with music at birth, but specifically her piano, which is a main piece to her music is her love. At age sixteen, Alicia graduated from high school. Shortly after she became a student at Columbia University and majored in choir. When Alicia was nineteen, legendary Clive Davis signed her to his record label, J Records for her amazing vocals and talent. As you can see Alicia has a very strong and well educated background.

One reason why Alicia Keys is influential is because she is determined. For example, Alicia wanted to make her second album amazing, so she took two years to focus on it and make it a hit. Also, Alicia was determined to graduate from high school as soon as possible because she wanted to focus on her singing career. To include,Alicia was determined to perform with two of her idols, Stevie Wonder and Lenny Kravitz at the music awards. Last year she finally got the chance to perform with them and it was jaw dropping performance! These are my reasons why I think Alicia Keys is determined person.

Secondly, I think Alicia Keys is influential because she is mature. I think that Alicia is very mature for her age. She is mature because she takes her career serious and takes time to make her music influential and from the heart. For example, most celebrities like Britney Spears write about fighting some girl or how she thinks some guy is cute. One the other hand, Alicia writes about her personal feelings and how she is effected by what is happening at her point in life. To me Alicia is very mature for being serious about her singing and how she wants to people to impact people. To include, when Alicia was sixteen years old she couldn't handle the immaturity of the high school cliques at her high school. Instead Alicia had outstanding academic grades and graduated early to go off to college. Indeed, these are my reasons why Alicia is mature and outstanding.

Lastly, I think Alicia is influential because she is open -minded to trying new things with her life. For example, Alicia wants to try and get away from her soulful voice and try a new sound to change it up a bit. Also, Alicia is open-minded because she has took on the job to travel the world and visit countries to write for a magazine in New York. It is great to see artist like Alicia try new things even if they are not what everyone is doing. It influences people to do the same in there own way and be themselves. These are my reasons why I think Alicia is open-minded in her career and life.

To conclude, this essay has discussed how Alicia Keys is a person of influence. She is a determined, mature and a open-minded person who is truly influential to myself and many. There are people in this world that have influenced you, but I choose Alicia Keys as my person of influence for the reasons stated. There are key points in someone that makes them so influential and Alicia Keys definitely has those points!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer establishes a good focus and meaning throughout the essay. The main idea is thoughtful, creative, and clearly defined and maintained. (“It is great to see artist like Alicia try new things even if they are not what everyone is doing. It influences people to do the same in there own way and be themselves.”)

The author has a general understanding of the audience. Most parts of the task have been completed, and the writer establishes strong arguments that closely relate to the task.

Content & Development

The writer develops his/her ideas in a very clear and strong manner. This essay contains a variety of details and analogies that are appropriate, thoughtful, well-developed, and help establish the writer’s argument. (“I think Alicia Keys is influential because she is mature. I think that Alicia is very mature for her age. She is mature because she takes her career serious and takes time to make her music influential and from the

heart.”)

Organization

The organization remains strong and unified throughout the essay. The essay’s structure is consistent, unified, and creates clarity. The writer maintains a strong introduction and clear, well-defined supporting and closing paragraphs. The author also uses relevant evidence that reinforces the writer’s argument.

(“Alicia fell in love with music at birth, but specifically her piano, which is a main piece to her music is her love. At age sixteen, Alicia graduated from high school. Shortly after she became a student at Columbia University and majored in choir.”) The writer’s use of transitional devices helps the essay to flow smoothly.

Language Use & Style

This essay contains a strong use of language and style. This is established through skillful word choice and clear sentence structure. The writer’s voice is clearly defined throughout the essay. The writer demonstrates an awareness of audience, and he/she uses a variety of ideas to best engage the reader. (“To me Alicia is very mature for being serious about her singing and how she wants to people to impact people. To include, when Alicia was sixteen years old she couldn't handle the immaturity of the high school cliques at her high school. Instead Alicia had outstanding academic grades and graduated early to go off to college. Indeed,

these are my reasons why Alicia is mature and outstanding.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer has a good control of conventions and mechanics. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. These errors do not interfere with the overall message of the essay. (“To include,Alicia was determined to perform with two of her idols, Stevie Wonder and Lenny Kravitz at the music awards.”)

Model Essay

Jackie Robinson was a man with courage, patience and he was a fighter. These traits made Jackie Robinson the sports icon he is today. Jackie's courage lead him to change many things during his time. He waspatient and believed in himself when no one did. Being the fighter that he is has led Jackie to become the greatest sports icon in the world. Jackie has been through a lot and he is now recognized for his great accomplishments.

Jackie Robinson's courage led him to greatness, with out this trait he couldn't be great. Jackie did many things and his courage helped him to believe in himself. Not only did he play in the major leagues as one of the greatest major league baseball players, he broke the color barrier in sports and this made it possible for everyone no matter the color of there skin to play sports. He was a great baseball player and he was so fearless. His courage kept his head up and made him work harder.

During his baseball career Jackie went through so much hatred. He was tormented and people would lash out at him. Jackie had very good patience as much as he wanted to fight back he didn't. He let them talk about him and let them say whatever they wanted. Jackie kept his head up and didn't let them ruin what he wanted to do. Even his own teammates made a petition to have him not play in the team. Jackie stayed strong and didn't let them kick him off the team. Jackie stayed patient and played through everything

Jackie was a fighter. He wouldn't let people tell him things that weren't right. Since there was a color issue, he didn't just move when the white people told him to, it wasn't fair to him. He was in the army and an army material told him to move and sit in the back of the bus, he refused. He fought him and risked a court martial. Jackie never let anyone tell him what to do and how to act, he was his own person and in this it was a good but bad trait.

In the end Jackie wouldn't have been the great sports icon he is today with out all of these great character traits. He wouldn't have been recognized for anything with out these great traits. Jackie was a fighter, patient, and he had courage.With out those he wouldn't be the great icon he is today. Jackie has changed many peoples lifes and influenced all of us today.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of this essay can best be described as adequate. The author’s main idea is defined and maintained. (“During his baseball career Jackie went through so much hatred. He was tormented and

people would lash out at him. Jackie had very good patience as much as he wanted to fight back he didn't.”) The writer also demonstrates a basic understanding of audience. Many parts of the task have been completed, and the writer establishes a consistent argument.

Content & Development

This essay contains ideas that are adequately developed. The author appropriately uses details and analogies that help support the main idea of the essay while establishing his/her argument. (“Jackie kept his head up and didn't let them ruin what he wanted to do. Even his own teammates made a petition to have him not play in the team. Jackie stayed strong and didn't let them kick him off the team. Jackie stayed patient and played through everything.”)

Organization

The organization of this essay is adequate, and the structure is fairly unified. The introduction and closing paragraphs are noticeable, and the essay also features supporting paragraphs that remain focused on the main idea. (“Jackie Robinson's courage led him to greatness, with out this trait he couldn't be great. Jackie did many things and his courage helped him to believe in himself.”) However, there is an inconsistent use of transitional devices throughout the written piece.

Language Use & Style

In this essay, the author appropriately uses language and style. This essay is an example of correct word choice and sentence structure. The writer’s voice is apparent, and he/she uses a variety of sentences and

demonstrates a general awareness of the audience. (“Jackie was a fighter. He wouldn't let people tell him things that weren't right. Since there was a color issue, he didn't just move when the white people told him to, it wasn't fair to him.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates an adequate control of conventions and mechanics. The author makes some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the

communication of the message. (“Jackie has changed many peoples lifes and influenced all of us today.”)

Model Essay

Steven Spielberg is the most influential director of all time. He is creative, talented, and risky. Steven has directed many great movies. Such as Back to the Future, E.T. The Extraterrestrial, and Indiana Jones. His films rank among the highest grossing movies in history.

Steven Spielberg has inspired many young directors with his creativity. He has produced action, horror, and science fiction movies. They were all really creative and funny. At Universal Studios, they were even inspired to make rides based on his movies: Jurassic Park, Back to the Future, and E.T. He has a positive influence on young directors to open up their minds and to make even better movies.

Some directors work very hard to produce great movies, but some are born with talent. Steven's movie E.T. The Extraterrestrial was the second movie to ever make the most money in the world. He went from making amateur films and low budgets to billionaire. Director Spielberg even won an academy award for best director.

If Spielberg has a good idea for a movie, he is willing to go for it. He doesn't care what about what people think, he is a risk taker. Directors shouldn't be afraid to take risks and go for anything they want. That's a good trait Spielberg has, he is risky.

In conclusion Steven Spielberg is the most influential director of all time. He is creative, talented, and risky. He has inspired me to be a director.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains a limited focus and meaning throughout this essay. A main idea is established, but the writer demonstrates little understanding of the audience. Some parts of the task have been completed, and

the writer establishes an argument with limited detail. (“Steven Spielberg has inspired many young directors with his creativity. He has produced action, horror, and science fiction movies. They were all really creative and funny.”)

Content & Development

The ideas in this essay are developed in a brief and limited fashion. The use of details and analogies is

insufficient and do little to establish the writer’s argument.(“If Spielberg has a good idea for a movie, he is willing to go for it. He doesn't care what about what people think, he is a risk taker. Directors shouldn't be afraid to take risks and go for anything they want. That's a good trait Spielberg has, he is risky.”)

Organization

The essay’s organization is limited at best, but it does demonstrate some evidence of structure. The

introduction and closing paragraphs are uncertain (“In conclusion Steven Spielberg is the most influential director of all time. He is creative, talented, and risky. He has inspired me to be a director.”) and do little to support the main idea of the written piece. The essay also lacks the use of transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

This essay contains a limited use of language and style. The writer relies on the use of simple words and demonstrates an inconsistent sentence structure. (“Steven Spielberg is the most influential director of all

time. He is creative, talented, and risky. Steven has directed many great movies.”) There is some evidence of the writer’s voice and a general awareness of the audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

This author has a limited control of conventions and mechanics. This essay contains several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. These errors may interfere with the communication of the message. (“Steven's movie E.T. The Extraterrestrial was the second movie to ever make the most money in the world.”)

Model Essay

The person that inspire me is my parents because they always work hard to have what we have now, That is why when I grow up I want to work as hard as my parents are working now for my family,and myself. My parents are good people their character is hard toward me when I do something wrong,but beside that they have I good caracter,They support me on everything I do like play Soccer,Running,and that is why I think my parents are my inspiration to work hard now, and keep working to have a better live than what we have now. My parents support me by taking me to the soccer game, buying me all my soccer shoes,shingards,and my uniforms every time we need to buy a new uniform, also they support me when I decided to join Track & Field ,and Cross Country they support me by buying me my running shoes, spikes, and incoreg

me to keep playing soccer, running, telling me to stay healthy, stay away from drugs and most importantly stay away from gangs.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The development of ideas in this essay can best be described as minimal. The writer suggests a main idea but little or no help is given to reinforce it. (“My parents are good people their character is hard toward me when I do something wrong.”) The author has an incomplete understanding of the audience and completes few parts of the task. The writer’s argument contains an incomplete amount of detail which limits the

essay’s strength.

Content & Development

The content and development of this essay is minimal and incomplete. Details and analogies are either incomplete or inadequate and do not aid the writer’s argument. (“They support me on everything I do like play Soccer,Running,and that is why I think my parents are my inspiration to work hard.”)

Organization

The organization of this essay is minimal. The writer shows little evidence of an organized structure. The opening and closing paragraphs are poor and support the main idea in a minimal fashion. (“they support me by buying me my running shoes, spikes, and incoreg…me to keep playing soccer, running, telling me to stay healthy, stay away from drugs and most importantly stay away from gangs.”) There is little evidence of transitional devices in this essay.

Language Use & Style

The development of ideas in this essay can best be described as minimal. The author has an incomplete understanding of the audience and completes few parts of the task. The writer’s argument is limited and not supported by adequate detail. (“My parents are good people their character is hard toward me when I do something wrong.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates minimal control of conventions and mechanics. There are significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

Model Essay

Many people have had unfortunate things happen to them, some good or some bad. Sometimes it might not be their own fault, but some one else's fault by how they are influenced. People have been influenced by others bad character traits and sometimes have good affects or bad affects.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning throughout this essay is inadequate. The writer fails to establish a controlling idea, and he/she does not address the audience. The author completes no part of the essay’s tasks, and there is no evidence of an argument. (“People have been influenced by others bad character traits and sometimes have good affects or bad affects.”)

Content & Development

The content in this essay is inadequate. The writer fails to develop his/her ideas completely and uses little to no details or analogies as a basis for a argument. (“Many people have had unfortunate things happen to them, some good or some bad.”)

Organization

The organization of this essay is inadequate. There is no evidence of an organized structure, an opening or closing paragraph, or transitional devices in this essay. (“Sometimes it might not be their own fault, but some one else's fault.”)

Language Use & Style

In this essay, the writer’s use of language and style is inadequate. There is an unclear or confused

understanding of the audience (“sometimes have good affects or bad affects”), and the author makes major errors in word choice and sentence structure. The writer fails to establish any form of argument.

Mechanics & Conventions

Throughout this essay, the author demonstrates an inadequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. These errors significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

The Human Genome Project identified thousands of known human genes, yet there are still many unanswered questions about the extent of genetic control of many human traits. If you could choose a human trait to be genetically controlled, what trait would you choose? Would it be a physical trait? Would it be a personality trait? How would it be transmitted from parent to child?

In a well-developed essay, describe a human trait that you would like to be genetically controlled and the manner in which it is transmitted between generations.

Model Essay

Our world is plagued by people without willpower. The majority of them takes the easiest way out and avoids anything that involves effort and hard work. Foreigners make comments about America's obesity and are partially right when doing so. Today's world is filled with people who are lazy sloths, but if we could control the genetic trait that determines how much willpower someone has, the world would be an entirely different place.

Few people throughout history have reached their full potential; only those studied in history classes across the world have succeeded in this, iconic figures such as Alexander the Great, Theodore Roosevelt, and Albert Einstein. Many of the major problems of the 21st century would be no more. People would finally begin to act on their talents and do great things. Willpower affects everything we do and how much effort we apply when doing them; however, whether you succeed or not is primarily based on your willpower. If we could control the genetic trait that determines how much we have, the possibilities would be endless for most and our world would be transformed for the better.

A low percentage of people reach their full potential in a lifetime, and thus their lives go to waste. If everyone reached their full potential, advances in technology and science would increase exponentially. For example, statistics say that the majority of gifted individuals do not achieve great things and some end up at low level jobs; instead, if these same individuals were to reach their full potential, civilizations would jump to the next level and beyond. New inventions would be created regularly, and medicine would improve to the point where many previously incurable diseases would be rendered harmless. Events worthy of history books would happen soon after the control of this trait is made possible.

We all have fears; those fears keep us from achieving our full potential. The fear of failure affects all of us at one point or another. Nevertheless, with the will to persevere, there are few things we can't accomplish. Having the conviction to do something despite the possibility of failure could lead to a better future and both political and social changes. Not everyone possesses this, but if they did, people's dreams and goals would become reality. Those with natural talent could use it and take advantage of said talents.

School life would change. Many troubled teenagers would see a huge improvement in their self esteem and quality of life. For example, bullies of troubled students would not feel the need to pick on those weaker than they are due to their success in their own affairs. Competition in athletics would be more intense due to all of the players performing at 100%. Stands would be filled at every event; consequently, the school would bring in more money which in turn would allow for a better education and even field trips. Overall a higher education would be provided for almost every student.

This trait would be passed down from parents to offspring. Offspring would never have less than the parents, and in some cases have considerably more than the parents themselves. Controlling the human will

would take humanity to a whole new level. A form of evolution would take place; in fact, art, science, and other areas would be improved upon more than significantly.

In summary, willpower affects everything we do and how successful we can be. If we could control the genetic trait that determines levels of willpower in individuals, it could transform our world in endless ways. People would no longer be held back by fears, but could push ahead toward any endeavor. With everyone performing to the best of their ability, humanity would evolve to an unprecedented level.

Commentary and Analysis Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience. The writer effectively completes all parts of the task and leaves readers with a clear picture of the benefits of genetically increasing an individual’s willpower.

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“Today's world is filled with people who are lazy sloths, but if we could control the genetic trait that determines how much willpower someone has, the world would be an entirely different place.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with main ideas about how increased

willpower will change individuals and society as a whole. (“Few people throughout history have reached their full potential; only those studied in history classes across the world have succeeded in this, iconic figures such as Alexander the Great, Theodore Roosevelt, and Albert Einstein. Many of the major problems of the 21st century would be no more. People would finally begin to act on their talents and do great things. Willpower affects everything we do and how much effort we apply when doing them; however, whether you succeed or not is primarily based on your willpower. If we could control the genetic trait that determines how much we have, the possibilities would be endless for most and our world would be transformed for the better.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. (“For example, statistics say that the majority of gifted individuals do not achieve great things and some end up at low level jobs; instead, if these same individuals were to reach their full potential, civilizations would jump to the next level and beyond. New inventions would be created regularly, and medicine would improve to the point where many previously incurable diseases would be rendered harmless.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details for support.

Relevant points explain the transmission of the gene from one generation to another. (“This trait would be passed down from parents to offspring. Offspring would never have less than the parents, and in some cases have considerably more than the parents themselves. Controlling the human will would take humanity to a whole new level. A form of evolution would take place; in fact, art, science, and other areas would be improved upon more than significantly.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. The writer shows how willpower can overcome fear. (“We all have fears; those fears keep us from achieving our full potential. The fear of failure affects all of us at one point or another. Nevertheless, with the will to persevere, there are few

things we can't accomplish. Having the conviction to do something despite the possibility of failure could lead to a better future and both political and social changes. Not everyone possesses this, but if they did, people's dreams and goals would become reality. Those with natural talent could use it and take advantage of said talents.”)

Specific information about improved conditions in schools is discussed in the essay and developed very effectively. The writer points to changes in student behavior, which impacts the system as a whole.

(“School life would change. Many troubled teenagers would see a huge improvement in their self esteem and quality of life. For example, bullies of troubled students would not feel the need to pick on those weaker than they are due to their success in their own affairs. Competition in athletics would be more intense due to all of the players performing at 100%. Stands would be filled at every event; consequently, the school would bring in more money which in turn would allow for a better education and even field trips. Overall a higher education would be provided for almost every student.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a very effective introduction. The writer engages readers by contrasting his/her negative view of citizens today with a vision of a different world in the future. (“Our world is plagued by

people without willpower. The majority of them takes the easiest way out and avoids anything that involves effort and hard work. Foreigners make comments about America's obesity and are partially right when doing so. Today's world is filled with people who are lazy sloths, but if we could control the genetic trait that determines how much willpower someone has, the world would be an entirely different place.”)

Subtle transitions effectively connect ideas between paragraphs. Within paragraphs, transitions are used to lead readers from one idea to the next. (“We all have fears; those fears keep us from achieving our full potential. The fear of failure affects all of us at one point or another. Nevertheless, with the will to persevere, there are few things we can't accomplish. Having the conviction to do something despite the possibility of failure could lead to a better future and both political and social changes. Not everyone possesses this, but if they did, people's dreams and goals would become reality. Those with natural talent could use it and take advantage of said talents.”)

In the conclusion, the writer includes a summary of main ideas and provides readers with a sense of

closure. (“In summary, willpower affects everything we do and how successful we can be. If we could control the genetic trait that determines levels of willpower in individuals, it could transform our world in endless ways. People would no longer be held back by fears, but could push ahead toward any endeavor. With everyone performing to the best of their ability, humanity would evolve to an unprecedented level.”)

Language Use & Style

adds to the effectiveness of the writer’s response.

The writer chooses descriptive words and strong verbs to effectively describe increases in technology and changes in the field of medicine. (“If everyone reached their full potential, advances in technology and science would increase exponentially. For example, statistics say that the majority of gifted individuals do not achieve great things and some end up at low level jobs; instead, if these same individuals were to reach

their full potential, civilizations would jump to the next level and beyond. New inventions would be created regularly, and medicine would improve to the point where many previously incurable diseases would be rendered harmless.”)

genetically altering the trait of willpower would create a better world. (“A low percentage of people reach their full potential in a lifetime, and thus their lives go to waste. If everyone reached their full potential, advances in technology and science would increase exponentially. For example, statistics say that the

majority of gifted individuals do not achieve great things and some end up at low level jobs; instead, if these same individuals were to reach their full potential, civilizations would jump to the next level and beyond. New inventions would be created regularly, and medicine would improve to the point where many previously incurable diseases would be rendered harmless. Events worthy of history books would happen soon after the control of this trait is made possible.”)

The writer demonstrates use of strong voice throughout the response. (“In summary, willpower affects everything we do and how successful we can be. If we could control the genetic trait that determines levels of willpower in individuals, it could transform our world in endless ways. People would no longer be held back by fears, but could push ahead toward any endeavor. With everyone performing to the best of their ability, humanity would evolve to an unprecedented level.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

letter, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“Few people throughout history have reached their full potential; only those studied in history classes across the world have succeeded in this, iconic figures such as Alexander the Great, Theodore Roosevelt, and Albert Einstein. Many of the major problems of the 21st century would be no more. People would finally begin to act on their talents and do great things.”)

Model Essay

Human beings cannot be controlled, at least not yet! Provided we were fortunate enough to be able to manipulate at least one genetic trait about the population, most people would choose a physical trait. Being completely bias they believe looks are more important, as a result of the media attention they receive. A characteristic that should be passed down is a personality trait; that is why I select sociability. In my opinion sociability should be a trait everyone needs; in fact, it helps one acquire a happy life, accumulate friends and obtain a reputable a job. Sociability should be passed down through a shot. consequently, it is affordable and causes little discomfort. Having sociability will be what the population will be yearning for. Alongside everyone being happier, life will be better for the world and for each individual person.

Sociability tends to be one trait that can transform one's boring life to exciting. Having a dull life is never any pleasant, and drab people are never happy. While on the other hand sociable people tend to always be happy because they have fun. When an individual is happy they argue less and that means reduced conflict among the community evidently this doesn't only benefit one person but everyone else around them. This is not just a sociability shot it is what could be called a happy shot.

This shot may also be label as a friend magnet because that is what it achieves. Sociable people are inclined to be people magnets. What parent would not wish for their child to have a lot of friends? Children with a large quantity of friends are content and have a drive to do better than other kids. This motivation could help kids get further in life and accomplish their dreams. Besides that every young kid and adult wants alot of friends and the shot will bring it to them in addition to a healthy social life which is essential to every human.

Probably the most important benefit that the sociability trait will bring a person is a great job. Believe it or not, taking the shot could help get a fantastic job. All companies, no matter how big or small, look for friendly, approachable people who will be good with customers and bring in more business. Being a sociable person will bring a lot of opportunities in jobs like promotions, higher pay, and make the job experience a million times more pleasurable.

Given the opportunity to pass a trait to my children and every other child, I conclude everyone would agree sociability is the best choice. Despite not being a physical trait, it is definitely something you can observe; a sociable person exerts energy and happiness that not everyone does. Sociability will cause people to own a great social life and a happy healthy emotional life, not to mention great career life. My shot is not just that though, it is a step into a brighter, happier future.

Commentary and Analysis Focus & Meaning

The essay focuses the readers’ attention by using an engaging statement in the introduction. The writer implies and then proposes that, in the future, biological and behavioral aspects of a human being can be altered. (“Human beings cannot be controlled, at least not yet! Provided we were fortunate enough to be

able to manipulate at least one genetic trait about the population, most people would choose a physical trait. Being completely bias they believe looks are more important, as a result of the media attention they receive. A characteristic that should be passed down is a personality trait; that is why I select sociability.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very well. The writer provides three reasons for choosing sociability as a genetic trait to be modified. (“In my opinion sociability should be a trait everyone needs; in fact, it helps one acquire a happy life, accumulate friends and obtain a reputable a job.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. (“Sociability tends to be one trait that can transform one's boring life to exciting. Having a dull life is never any pleasant, and drab people are never happy. While on the other hand sociable people tend to always be happy because they have fun.

When an individual is happy they argue less and that means reduced conflict among the community evidently this doesn't only benefit one person but everyone else around them. This is not just a sociability shot it is what could be called a happy shot.”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient appropriate details for support.

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea in the topic sentence. The writer explains that sociability can affect a person’s career, and he/she provides specific examples of work- related behavior to support the idea. (“Probably the most important benefit that the sociability trait will bring a person is a great job. Believe it or not, taking the shot could help get a fantastic job. All companies, no matter how big or small, look for friendly, approachable people who will be good with customers and bring in more business. Being a sociable person will bring a lot of opportunities in jobs like promotions, higher pay, and make the job experience a million times more pleasurable.”)

The content in the body of the paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain the main idea. (“This shot may also be label as a friend magnet because that is what it achieves. Sociable people are inclined to be people magnets. What parent would not wish for their child to have a lot of friends? Children with a large quantity of friends are content and have a drive to do better than other kids. This motivation could help kids get further in life and accomplish their dreams. Besides that every young kid and adult wants alot of friends and the shot will bring it to them in addition to a healthy social life which is essential to every human.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“When an individual is happy they argue less and that means reduced conflict among the community evidently this doesn't only benefit one person but everyone else around them. This is not just a sociability shot it is what could be called a happy shot.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates an effective introduction. Not only does the writer grab readers’ attention, he/she indicates the importance of controlling a personality trait over a physical trait, which leads to the thesis.

(“Human beings cannot be controlled, at least not yet! Provided we were fortunate enough to be able to manipulate at least one genetic trait about the population, most people would choose a physical trait. Being completely bias they believe looks are more important, as a result of the media attention they receive. A characteristic that should be passed down is a personality trait; that is why I select sociability. In my opinion sociability should be a trait everyone needs; in fact, it helps one acquire a happy life, accumulate friends and obtain a reputable a job. Sociability should be passed down through a shot. consequently, it is affordable and causes little discomfort. Having sociability will be what the population will be yearning for. Alongside everyone being happier, life will be better for the world and for each individual person.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or sentences are used well. (“Probably the most important benefit that the sociability trait will bring a person is a great job. Believe it or not, taking the shot could help get a fantastic job. All companies, no matter how big or small, look for friendly, approachable people who will be good with customers and bring in more business.”)

The conclusion provides readers with closure and gives them something to think about. The writer restates the many benefits that would come from improving an individual’s personality. (“Given the opportunity to pass a trait to my children and every other child, I conclude everyone would agree sociability is the best choice. Despite not being a physical trait, it is definitely something you can observe; a sociable person exerts energy and happiness that not everyone does. Sociability will cause people to own a great social life and a happy healthy emotional life, not to mention great career life. My shot is not just that though, it is a step into a brighter, happier future.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good language use, voice, and style throughout the essay. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, good voice, and a clear sense of audience. The writer uses well- structured sentences with some variety.

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“Probably the most important benefit that the sociability trait will bring a person is a great job. Believe it or not, taking the shot could help get a fantastic job. All companies, no matter how big or small, look for friendly, approachable people who will be good with customers and bring in more business. Being a sociable person will bring a lot of opportunities in jobs like promotions, higher pay, and make the job experience a million times more pleasurable.”)

The writer uses a variety of well-structured sentences. (“Given the opportunity to pass a trait to my children and every other child, I conclude everyone would agree sociability is the best choice. Despite not being a physical trait, it is definitely something you can observe; a sociable person exerts energy and happiness that not everyone does. Sociability will cause people to own a great social life and a happy healthy emotional life, not to mention great career life. My shot is not just that though, it is a step into a brighter, happier future.”)

The writer employs good word choice to describe the benefits of possessing a friendly and charismatic personality. (“In my opinion sociability should be a trait everyone needs; in fact, it helps one acquire a happy life, accumulate friends and obtain a reputable a job. Sociability should be passed down through a shot. consequently, it is affordable and causes little discomfort. Having sociability will be what the population will be yearning for.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement and appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“consequently, it is affordable and causes little discomfort. Having sociability will be what the population will be yearning for. Alongside everyone being happier, life will be better for the world and for each individual person.”)

Model Essay

I'm sure that many people hate getting colds because I am. If I had the power, and smarts, to be able to do this, I would alter the genes in a human child, which would allow white blood cells to be able to combat and eliminate any form of the common cold that arises in today's society. The gene of course would be a dominant trait from parent to child since we all want a healthy life. When implemented into a baby's genes, the ability for white blood cells to combat any form of the common cold would definitely be difficult to guarantee.

To be able to get an immunity to the long-lived common cold, first you would have to scan the blood's extensive chain of base pairs. It would most likely take a few days to find the right pairs to exchange. Since a miniscule error could cause the whole being to not be what scientists hope to be, the full gene would probably take a few months, or maybe a year to complete.

A difficulty of accomplishing this mission would be achieving the white blood cell's ability to morph its platelets to match the cold's code. Because the common cold morphs into another code once one code has been cured, the body cannot battle against every single strand of the disease. It would be extremely hard to be able to have the white blood cells to have the ability to fight every individual cold virus, including new strands that come up.

An obstacle that many would debate would be the amount of people staying alive, with the ever-growing world population. Because the common cold is one of the most found viruses, the cure of the common cold would cause many people to lose money, jobs, and even their homes. All of society would definitely want to live, but we NEED people to die to keep some jobs, and keep the population in check.

Altering the gene structure of a child to make the world better by changing the white blood cells to have the ability to combat any form of the common cold would be a breakthrough. It would also cause a handful of problems within our everyday society. Finding the whole code, making white blood cells have the ability to actually morph their platelets and the fact that we need people to die is just three things that I would find the most important.

Commentary and Analysis Focus & Meaning

The thesis states the main idea of the essay and the point of view of the writer adequately. The writer would manipulate a gene to control the immune system. (“If I had the power, and smarts, to be able to do

this, I would alter the genes in a human child, which would allow white blood cells to be able to combat and eliminate any form of the common cold that arises in today's society.”)

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The essay is devoted to informing the readers

about genetically modifying white blood cells to eliminate cold viruses. (“To be able to get an immunity to the long-lived common cold, first you would have to scan the blood's extensive chain of base pairs. It would most likely take a few days to find the right pairs to exchange. Since a miniscule error could cause the whole being to not be what scientists hope to be, the full gene would probably take a few months, or maybe a year to complete.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions.

(“Altering the gene structure of a child to make the world better by changing the white blood cells to have the ability to combat any form of the common cold would be a breakthrough. It would also cause a handful of problems within our everyday society. Finding the whole code, making white blood cells have the ability to actually morph their platelets and the fact that we need people to die is just three things that I would find the most important.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support.

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. The writer provides details that explain how white blood cells fight viruses. (“Because the common cold morphs into another code once one code has been cured, the body cannot battle against every single strand of the disease. It would be extremely hard to be able to have the white blood cells to have the ability to fight every individual cold virus, including new strands that come up.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“To be able to get an immunity to the long-lived common cold, first you would have to scan the blood's extensive chain of base pairs. It would most likely take a few days to find the right pairs to exchange. Since a miniscule error could cause the whole being to not be what scientists hope to be, the full gene would probably take a few months, or maybe a year to complete.”) Providing more specific details would

enhance the writer’s descriptions of how the exchange process would work.

The writer provides anecdotal examples that are relevant. He/she imagines possible outcomes from the genetic experiment. (“An obstacle that many would debate would be the amount of people staying alive, with the ever-growing world population. Because the common cold is one of the most found viruses, the cure of the common cold would cause many people to lose money, jobs, and even their homes. All of society would definitely want to live, but we NEED people to die to keep some jobs, and keep the

population in check.”)

Organization

The beginning of the essay demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by relating the topic to a commonly shared experience, as every reader has suffered from the common cold virus. (“I'm sure that many people hate getting colds because I am. If I had the power, and smarts, to be able to do this, I would alter the genes in a human child, which would allow white blood cells to be able to combat and eliminate any form of the common cold that arises in today's society.”)

Subtle transitions are used to connect ideas. (“A difficulty of accomplishing this mission would be achieving the white blood cell's ability to morph its platelets to match the cold's code. Because the common

cold morphs into another code once one code has been cured, the body cannot battle against every single strand of the disease.”) The writer should incorporate more transitions between paragraphs to connect the ideas in a more meaningful way.

The conclusion attempts to summarize the main points of the response by listing them instead of connecting the ideas for an effective final statement. The essay does not leave the readers with too much to think about. However, readers do gain a sense of closure. The writer should consider enhancing the conclusion so that the summary of ideas shows how the ideas are related. (“Altering the gene structure of a child to make the world better by changing the white blood cells to have the ability to combat any form of the common cold would be a breakthrough. It would also cause a handful of problems within our everyday society. Finding the whole code, making white blood cells have the ability to actually morph their platelets and the fact that we need people to die is just three things that I would find the most important.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“If I had the power, and smarts, to be able to do this, I would alter the genes in a human child, which would allow white blood cells to be able to combat and eliminate any form of the common cold that arises in today's society. The gene of course would be a dominant trait from parent to child since we all want a healthy life. When implemented into a baby's genes, the ability for white blood cells to combat any form of the common cold would definitely be difficult to guarantee.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the response. The writer provides language that adequately describes to the intended audience his/her understanding of the genetic makeup of a cold virus. (“Because the common cold morphs into another code once one code has been cured, the body cannot battle against every single strand of the disease. It would be extremely hard to be able to have the white

blood cells to have the ability to fight every individual cold virus, including new strands that come up.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the essay. (“To be able to get an immunity to the long-lived common cold, first you would have to scan the blood's extensive chain of base pairs. It would most likely take a few days to find the right pairs to exchange. Since a miniscule error could cause the whole being to not be what scientists hope to be, the full gene would probably take a few months, or maybe a year to complete.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Model Essay

There are many different traits a child can inherit from their parents. These traits are physical, or personality related. Children can also inherit the genetic diseases in the family from their parents.

If I were to choose a trait that could be genetically controlled would have to depend on who the father is, but most likely I'd choose personality traits. I would rather be able to control which personality traits my child inherits. I would make sure the kid got all of the good personality traits instead of the bad. That way once the kid grows older he/she wouldn't be as bad mannered or behave as badly as they might have not controlling the personality traits he/she would get. I wouldn't be as concerned really with what physical traits the child would get other than obesity due to health reasons.

The traits would be transmitted by a doctor genetically creating the embryo and picking out all the traits I'd want the child to have. Then the doctor would put those traits into the embryo and remove the traits I wouldn't want the child to have. If there would be any other traits that would be good to control would be the trait that passes diseases from parent to child. This way I could prevent my child from getting seriously ill in the future. I would want to do this because there are quite a few illnesses that run in my family. Such as heart disease, diabetes, some types and forms of cancer, and some mental illnesses.

I would want to control personality traits because some negative personality traits run in my family also. Such as being rude, careless, moody, and stubborn. So that is why I thing that being able to control genetic traits would be a good thing. Because it would prevent a lot of negative things when you have a child.

Commentary and Analysis Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the essay. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides limited descriptions and details that may not give the readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Only some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The essay states the controlling idea in a very limited way. (“If I were to choose a trait that could be genetically controlled would have to depend on who the father is, but most likely I'd choose personality traits.”)

The writer’s focus is limited. The essay focuses on personality traits, but the description is limited at best. (“I would rather be able to control which personality traits my child inherits. I would make sure the kid got all of the good personality traits instead of the bad. That way once the kid grows older he/she wouldn't be as bad mannered or behave as badly as they might have not controlling the personality traits he/she would get.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the essay and should include more meaningful examples to illustrate which personality traits the writer deems important. Including descriptions of a child’s

temperament and behavior would help the readers picture the subject of the essay in their minds. (“I would make sure the kid got all of the good personality traits instead of the bad. That way once the kid grows older he/she wouldn't be as bad mannered or behave as badly as they might have not controlling the personality traits he/she would get.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The essay develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support.

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. (“The traits would be transmitted by a doctor genetically creating the embryo and picking out all the traits I'd want the child to have. Then the

doctor would put those traits into the embryo and remove the traits I wouldn't want the child to have.”) Therefore, the writer should consider expanding the thesis of the essay.

The essay uses limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“This way I could prevent my child from getting seriously ill in the future. I would want to do this because there are quite a few illnesses that run in my family. Such as heart disease, diabetes, some types and forms of cancer, and some mental illnesses.”)

Some details used to explain the main idea in the body paragraphs are not relevant. (“I wouldn't be as concerned really with what physical traits the child would get other than obesity due to health reasons.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a limited introduction. The writer discloses that the topic is related to genetics, but with limited background information and descriptive details, the readers struggle to understand the

direction of the essay. (“There are many different traits a child can inherit from their parents. These traits are physical, or personality related. Children can also inherit the genetic diseases in the family from their parents.”)

Strong transitions between paragraphs and between sentences are needed to enhance the flow of the

writer’s ideas. (“The traits would be transmitted by a doctor genetically creating the embryo and picking out all the traits I'd want the child to have. Then the doctor would put those traits into the embryo and remove the traits I wouldn't want the child to have.”)

Although the conclusion of the essay provides the readers with a sense of closure, it does not summarize the main ideas or leave readers with something to think about. The writer adds details in the conclusion that would more appropriately provide support in the body paragraphs. (“I would want to control personality traits because some negative personality traits run in my family also. Such as being rude, careless, moody, and stubborn. So that is why I thing that being able to control genetic traits would be a good thing. Because it would prevent a lot of negative things when you have a child.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates a limited use of language, voice, and style. The essay reveals simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, the word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

Some sentences are fragments. (“I would want to control personality traits because some negative personality traits run in my family also. Such as being rude, careless, moody, and stubborn. So that is why I thing that being able to control genetic traits would be a good thing. Because it would prevent a lot of negative things when you have a child.”)

Oftentimes, the writer uses the same group of words to begin sentences, such as “I would.” (“I would rather be able to control which personality traits my child inherits. I would make sure the kid got all of the good personality traits instead of the bad. That way once the kid grows older he/she wouldn't be as bad mannered or behave as badly as they might have not controlling the personality traits he/she would get. I wouldn't be as concerned really with what physical traits the child would get other than obesity due to

health reasons.”)

The sentences are too informal and the word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“I would make sure the kid got all of the good

personality traits instead of the bad. That way once the kid grows older he/she wouldn't be as bad mannered or behave as badly as they might have not controlling the personality traits he/she would get.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, begin each sentence with a capital letter, indicate new paragraphs with line breaks, check for correct spelling of words, and ensure proper usage of words within the context of sentences. (“So that is why I thing that being able to control genetic traits would be a good thing. Because it would prevent a lot of negative things when you have a child.”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

If I was given the option to pick any controlled generic trait I would pick phisacally fit. The guys would be slim and miscalled as the girls would be skinny.everyone would feel the same and no would be left out. If this would be possible then many people in society today would not feel the way do today.

That depends on how much you want. Are you after a general look? Specific traits? In daily lives many people feel as there in competition witch leads to reason two death and lack of self respect. If people were overweight then they can die if they do not control them self's. People who eat too much and are overweight then try to take medicine to make them loose weight this causing them to get sick and slowly die off

Commentary and Analysis Focus & Meaning

The essay only minimally states a central/controlling idea. (“If I was given the option to pick any controlled generic trait I would pick phisacally fit. The guys would be slim and miscalled as the girls would be skinny.”) The writer misses the opportunity to elaborate on aspects of body type and health. Providing more details at every turn in a response creates a richly textured message that gives the readers a clear picture of the selected trait and how it will be transmitted.

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently enough to give the readers a true sense of the genetic trait being described. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the

intended audience. (“everyone would feel the same and no would be left out. If this would be possible then many people in society today would not feel the way do today.”)

The writer’s details provide minimal support for the central/controlling idea. (“If people were overweight then they can die if they do not control them self's.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support.

In this two-paragraph response, the writer does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“If I was given the option to pick any controlled generic trait I would pick phisacally fit. The guys would be slim and miscalled as the girls would be skinny.everyone would feel the same and no would be left out. If this would be possible then many people in society today would not feel the way do today.”)

Each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. The writer needs to distinguish between changed appearances and altered health outcomes. (“That depends on how much you want. Are you after a general look? Specific traits? In daily lives many people feel as there in competition witch leads to reason two death and lack of self respect. If people were overweight then they can die if they do not control them self's. People who eat too much and are overweight then try to take medicine to make them loose weight this causing them to get sick and slowly die off”)

Details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. Details should include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations that give readers a clear picture of how the manipulation of the genes would produce specific results. (“Are you after a general look? Specific traits? In daily lives many people feel as there in competition witch leads to reason two death and lack of self respect.”)

Organization

The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“If I was given the option to pick any controlled generic trait I would pick phisacally fit. The guys would be slim and miscalled as the girls would be skinny.everyone would feel the same and no would be left out.”)

There is little evidence of transitional devices to help connect ideas. (“In daily lives many people feel as there in competition witch leads to reason two death and lack of self respect.”)

The essay does little to include a strong conclusion. (“People who eat too much and are overweight then try to take medicine to make them loose weight this causing them to get sick and slowly die off”)

Language Use & Style

Sentences are short and, in some cases, fragmented. (“That depends on how much you want. Are you after a general look? Specific traits?”)

Exact words are missing, which can affect meaning. (“everyone would feel the same and no would be left out.”)

The writer relies on awkward sentence structures and incorrect word choices. (“People who eat too much and are overweight then try to take medicine to make them loose weight this causing them to get sick and slowly die off.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized essay. (“The guys would be slim and miscalled as the girls would be skinny.everyone would feel the same and no would be left out.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

If I could pick a trait it would have to be helth coulse theres stuff that has killed kides and adluotes and if you think about it. if you hade a dessey and its likely that your kid will wouldnt you tthe best for them? and git it fixed so that they cant git it. like heart or dislackecya or kiddeny or lungs desseies and if you didnt whant to then your dum. althowe other stuff i think that its rong and immorole colse thats messing whith how God made you .and thats rong. rilly if you think about it its got to be dangeres to your halth. and then other stuff like deformatyes can happen.thats all i can think of so yha.

Commentary and Analysis Focus & Meaning

The essay states a vague central/controlling idea but does not develop it through examples and descriptive details. (“If I could pick a trait it would have to be helth coulse theres stuff that has killed kides and

adluotes and if you think about it.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“like heart or dislackecya or kiddeny or lungs desseies and if you didnt whant to then your dum.”)

The essay’s lack of specific details renders the writer’s message ineffective and incomplete. (“althowe other stuff i think that its rong and immorole colse thats messing whith how God made you .”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer neglects to develop ideas, using no details for support.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“and git it fixed so that they cant git it. like heart or dislackecya or kiddeny or lungs desseies and if you didnt whant to then your dum.”)

In this one-paragraph response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs. At least three main ideas should be included as evidence with a separate paragraph for each one. (“If I could pick a trait it would have to be helth coulse theres stuff that has killed kides and adluotes and if you think about it. if you hade a dessey and its likely that your kid will wouldnt you tthe best for them? and git it fixed so that they cant git it. like heart or dislackecya or kiddeny or lungs desseies and if you didnt whant to then your

dum. althowe other stuff i think that its rong and immorole colse thats messing whith how God made you

.and thats rong. rilly if you think about it its got to be dangeres to your halth. and then other stuff like deformatyes can happen.thats all i can think of so yha.”)

Details are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Details could include examples, facts, brief

narratives, or explanations to bring the writer’s ideas to life. (“althowe other stuff i think that its rong and immorole colse thats messing whith how God made you .and thats rong.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate as well. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure, introduction, or conclusion. Also, there is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction by asking a question, but the meaning of the writing is unclear and confusing. (“if you hade a dessey and its likely that your kid will wouldnt you tthe best for them?”)

Transitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“rilly if you think about it its got to be dangeres to your halth. and then other stuff like deformatyes can happen.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“thats all i can think of so yha.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style is inadequate. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are sentence fragments in the essay. (“and git it fixed so that they cant git it. like heart or dislackecya or kiddeny or lungs desseies and if you didnt whant to then your dum.”)

Sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“rilly if you think about it its got to be dangeres to your halth. and then other stuff like deformatyes can happen.thats all i can think of so yha.”)

The writer relies on awkward sentences and simple word choices. (“if you hade a dessey and its likely that your kid will wouldnt you tthe best for them?”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

You have been selected to invite a special guest to speak at your school. You can choose a person who is real or fictional from the past or present. What life experiences has this person had? What would they talk about? What do you hope the school would learn from the person you selected?

Write a multi-paragraph essay describing the person you chose to speak at your school. Be sure to include details and examples to support why this person should speak at your school.

Model Essay

A motivational speaker is a person you can look up to, someone whose story or life has inspired you in a profound or deepest way. Who knows, you might even relate to this person. Many people usually choose those who are rich, wealthy, and those who are well known. But, does anyone ever choose a humble person? I chose my father. You might not recognize his name, Jim Smith, but his life story is one that could totally change your view on success. It's quite an entertaining one, but his message overall is that you can do as you please in this world, just do what pleases you. Leave a mark on the world you step on. For God has put you on this world for something. Figure out why.

One cold day many years ago, my father was born. Unfortunately, my grandparents were too poor to go to the hospital, so my father was born in the living room of a dear friend of theirs. Since the moment my grandmother felt the contractions, she was not aware my father was fighting for his life. He was getting strangled by the umbilical cord every time my grandma got a contraction he was getting choked. Now can you imagine that? Living in a third-world country and not having money to go to the hospital. Well luckily my father was saved and out of danger. Since then, the world knew he was going to be a fighter.

My father was the second youngest in the family of 8. In other words, he would get picked on a lot. My grandparents weren't fortunate enough to be able to work only one job and live off what they earned, so at a young age my father was put to work. He didn't get much of an education either. I believe he didn't even go to middle school. He was dependent on how strong he was and how he could work with his hands. Then one day a friend of my father told him about the place in which you can live your dream and nothing can stop you, how the sky was the limit and how anyone could be anything, a place in which you didn't have to go to bed hungry. So my father took up on his word and asked a sister of his who lived there to get him a visa. Fortunately, she did and that's how my father came to America at age 18.

As soon as my father arrived here he learned to speak English. He hadn't any money so for a while he did what he knew he could do the only thing he knew what to do, he worked at a vegetable and fruit orchard. He caught up on his lost education and soon he saw that America is where all your dreams come true.

While he was attending school he met my mother and they fell in love. After he got his degree he then pursued the career as architecture and an engineer. He wasn't successful at first but he didn't take no as an answer. After nine yrs of hard dedicated work, he set up his own construction company and then he started to build roads. Most importantly he started to build a family.

My father now is a old man, who till this day is still working with his employers and still views the world as a place you can do anything. If he could thank anyone it would be his mother and father, brothers and sister, and most importantly, God for giving that poor boy a chance. My father was the first to go to school in his family. He didn't take no as an answer. He is strong man, humble, yet very self- direct, and self- motivated. But, most importantly someone I view as a role model.

Well you have heard the story of my father life through me. Fortunately I only know bits of it and only what he wants me to know. But, if my father can be a motivational speaker he would be excellent at telling

boys and girls of our age that yes we are fortunate to live in a place where dreams come true. Where we can pursue anything we want to, as long as we set our minds on it and get off our butts and move towards it. He can share stories on how living in a third-world country is hard, the struggle one faces. Most importantly, he can share his success with us. Like my father says, "It doesn't matter how smart you are, what matter is what you do with it." I view him as a role model because I hear the pain in his voice as he's telling me what he's been through, but, most importantly how he overcame the way people talked about how he was never going to make it. How he proved them wrong. To what extend do we show people what we are capable of doing? What if they make a mockery of us? What if? You never know. Like a wise man once told me "it doesn't matter how down or low you have fallen all that matter is the rise and the climb." And I shall do what I want to as long as I have my parents, and my mind set, and of course God’s blessing. For I too want to make my mark on this world like my father.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

effectively using an interesting, engaging statement or a question at the beginning of the introduction. (“A motivational speaker is a person you can look up to, someone whose story or life has inspired you in a profound or deepest way. Who knows, you might even relate to this person.”) All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. The author also uses a very appropriate tone

throughout the essay. (“I view him as a role model because I hear the pain in his voice as he's telling me what he's been through, but, most importantly how he overcame the way people talked about how he was never going to make it.”)

Content & Development

The essay develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details for support.

Relevant points explain and illustrate the author’s message very effectively. (“Then one day a friend of my father told him about the place in which you can live your dream and nothing can stop you, how the sky was the limit and how anyone could be anything, a place in which you didn't have to go to bed hungry.”) Supporting details like these develop the example well. (“So my father took up on his word and asked a sister of his who lived there to get him a visa. Fortunately, she did and that's how my father came to

America at age 18.”) Some items are not fully explained, but the majority of the content is clear and compelling.

Organization

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, a clear sense of audience, and well-structured and varied sentences. Language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. There may be some oddly phrased

sentences, but the author’s intent is clear and easy to understand. (“If he could thank anyone it would be his mother and father, brothers and sister, and most importantly, God for giving that poor boy a chance.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer has very effective control of conventions and mechanics. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence is indented when beginning a new paragraph, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. There may be some noticeable errors present, but the majority of the content is clear and correct. Errors that are present do not interfere with meaning. (“And I shall do what I want to as long as I have my parents, and my mind set, and of course God’s blessing.”)

Model Essay

How would you feel if you were being bullied? I am sure you would not feel too happy about that. Neither does superstar Beyonce Knowles. Bullying is not acceptable in anyway and yet it is common in schools across the country. Most people think Beyonce is little more than a celebrity, but before all the fame, she was a teenager just like you and me. She will tell you about her personal experiences she had to face as a teenager and how bullying is wrong. By the time you finish reading this, you will know that you are not alone and how to handle the situation.

Everyone was once a teenager and has faced problems that many teenagers face today. Bullying is something that many teenagers face as we speak. Beyonce Knowles has even experienced what it feels like to be bullied. Beyonce will speak on some of the things she experienced. When Beyonce was in high school she was bullied by kids from every which way. She was talked about to her face and behind her back. Students would spread rumors about her and make threats toward her. Although she would try and laugh it off, it was still hurting her deep down inside. The bullying had begun to get worse and worse.

Beyonce as well as many other people feel that bullying is wrong and that no one should have to go through that. Many people are going through this. Bullying another individual is not right. You should put yourself in the same situation as if you were getting bullied. I am positive that you would not. Bullying should not have to be tolerated and it should be against the law to bully someone.

Beyonce wants everybody at the end of her speech to take away something. She thinks that you should look further into bullying because maybe you were one of those people who were bullied. She would also want you to find out if anyone else that you might know is being bullied. She would want everyone to leave a different person. Hopefully you will all learn a lot from her speech.

Beyonce is one of the most famous people we all know and no one would have thought that she was a victim of bullying. She has experienced what it feels like to be bullied and she does not want anyone else to go through that. After listening to her speak you will be able to get out of a situation where you or someone else has been bullied. Bullying is at an all time high and if we do not start to fight it now it will remain the same. So after reading this essay do you think that Beyonce Knowles is worthy enough to come and speak at our school?

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay uses good focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea, demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes most parts of the task. The essay

grabs the readers’ attention by using an interesting, engaging statement or question at the beginning of the

introduction. It is simplistic, but it is effective at getting the readers’ attention. (“How would you feel if you were being bullied?”) The tone of the essay is appropriate for the audience. Finally, the essay does not provide irrelevant or off-topic information.

Content & Development

back.”) This kind of detail helps to increase the credibility of the author and his/her statement. Ideally, the essay should have at least three main ideas, with several supporting details for each statement.

Organization

The essay has good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and consistent use of transitional devices. The author provides a creative introduction that introduces readers to the topic. Readers unfamiliar with the prompt are able to understand the purpose of the essay without having to guess the prompt task. (“Most people think Beyonce is little more than a celebrity, but before all the fame, she was a teenager just like you and me. She will tell you about her personal experiences she had to face as a teenager and how bullying is wrong.”) The essay uses paragraphing effectively, but additional transitions would help readers move between ideas. Finally, the essay includes some concluding remarks that effectively restate the thesis, summarize the main ideas, and provide closure. (“Beyonce is one of the most famous people we all know and no one would have thought that she was a victim of bullying. She has experienced what it feels like to be bullied and she does not want anyone else to go through that.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience, and well-structured sentences with some variety. The language and tone are consistent.

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“She would want everyone to leave a different person. Hopefully you will all learn a lot from her speech.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay uses good control of conventions and mechanics. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, most sentences have a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and begin with a capital letter. (“Students would spread rumors about her and make threats toward her. Although she would try and laugh it off, it was still hurting her deep down inside.”) There may be a few errors in mechanics and conventions, but they do not interfere with meaning.

Model Essay

Who's the best for the job? His name would be Sean Smith. I feel Sean Smith is the right person to come speak to the student body. The students need somebody to talk to them about drinking while driving. I think he is right for the job because he's experienced a peer among the student body, and understanding.

First of all, I think he would be a great guest speaker because he's experienced. Sean has experienced the tragedy that comes from driving drunk. Sean was in a bad car wreck which caused him to almost lose his life. Sean and his friends had been drinking, and went for a ride, but never did they expect such a thing to

happen. Sean was in a coma for at least a month. If anyone can talk and tell students not to drink and drive it's him.

Secondly, Sean is a peer among the student body. Students normally pay more attention to someone their age. Seeing someone their age taking a different way, may influence them to take a different way too. Sean can reach out to the students way better than an adult, because the students and Sean can relate to each other. Students seeing that things can happen to you at any age, should force them to see that drinking and driving isn't safe.

Lastly, Sean can understand the students better than an adult. Most of the time students argue that adults don't understand them. With someone like Sean talking to them they may feel he understands them. With Sean having their understanding and them having Sean's understanding, Sean should get his point across. I think it's only natural that students understand drinking and driving is not cool.

In conclusion, Sean Smith should be the guest speaker, because he experienced, a peer among the student body, and understanding. He can relate and help the students in a positive way. For example most peers talk in a negative way, but he will be talking in a positive way. In this case it would be a positive way of peer pressure. The students should enjoy his speech. With all that being said my decision is final Sean Smith will be the guest speaker.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea and demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience and completes many parts of the task. The thesis states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. (“I feel Sean Smith is the right person to come speak to the student body.”) The introduction is not particularly creative, and there is only a small amount of background information provided for readers unfamiliar with the prompt. The author needs to remember to clarify the purpose of the essay for readers. Overall, the writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience, and there is little use of slang.

Content & Development

statistics, examples, brief narratives, or explanations about each of the main ideas. (“Sean was in a coma for at least a month. If anyone can talk and tell students not to drink and drive it's him.”) Ideally, the writing should include about four or five supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate the main idea.

Organization

background information to explain the purpose of the essay to uninformed readers is necessary. (“Who's

the best for the job? His name would be Sean Smith.”) Transitions are used adequately. (“Lastly, Sean can understand the students better than an adult.”) Finally, the author provides a conclusion that summarizes some of the ideas in the essay and some sense of closure.

Language Use & Style

students argue that adults don't understand them. With someone like Sean talking to them they may feel he understands them.”) While language use is somewhat simplistic, the author makes few immediately

obvious errors. Problems that are present do not interfere with the author’s message.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates adequate control of mechanics and conventions. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and begin with a capital letter. (“Sean can reach out to the students way better than an adult, because the students and Sean can relate to each other.”)

Model Essay

If I was to chose any person to come to the school it would be my next door neighbor Diana. The reason I pick this person is because she has been through a lot like she had to face breast cancer. And she was going through a hard time because she lived alone and had nobody to help or support her. Imagine that being you, that is not a good feeling. But the reason I why I would want her to come talk to the school is because maybe she can advice to the students at our school.

Maybe some of the of the students here are going through any type of cancer, or know someone that has it and they might feel like they need to talk to someone about it. Like what if they dont have anyone at home to talk to or help them go through this struggle. And she might be able to answer some questions some stundents might have, or like I said have advice for these students so then they can feel better and be positive and feel like they have someone supporting them.

Like when I need someone to talk to I juss talk to my older brother or my dad because most of the things Im going through they have already been through it. So this lady might help and change a lot of lifes like she did to this one other lady that was also going through breast cancer. And maybe you might not have breast cancer or any type of cancer but if u ever meet someone that has it then you would already know how to react or help the person. So now you know who I would bring in if I had to chose anyone to come and talk to the school. Becuse I thik she has experienced a lot and now she can teach us what we need to know about how to deal with breast cancer.

She has taught me a lot by just telling me what she went through. And maybe you might get to learn some interesting facts like the things I learned.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience and completes only some parts of the task. The introduction is not particularly creative and provides very little background information to help inform readers about the purpose of the essay. (“If I was to chose any person to come to the school it would be my next door neighbor Diana. The reason I pick this person is because she has been through a lot like she had to face breast cancer.”) Essays at this level tend to be significantly less formal, especially at the middle-school level.

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. It develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support. The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. Ideas presented have some substance to them, but they remain largely unexplored. Additional details would

drastically improve the author’s credibility. (“And maybe you might not have breast cancer or any type of cancer but if u ever meet someone that has it then you would already know how to react or help the

person.”)

Organization

The essay has limited organization. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. It lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices. The essay demonstrates evidence of a good introduction. The introduction provides some background information for readers and ends with a

thesis statement. (“But the reason I why I would want her to come talk to the school is because maybe she can advice to the students at our school.”) While paragraphing is used successfully, the author does not attempt to include transitions. Finally, there is a conclusion, but it is very brief and does not attempt to summarize any of the essay’s supporting statements. (“And maybe you might get to learn some interesting facts like the things I learned.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates simple language and word choice and some awareness of audience and control of voice. Sentences are often either too short or too long. (“And she might be able to answer some questions some stundents might have, or like I said have advice for these students so then they can feel better and be positive and feel like they have someone supporting them.”) There are numerous sentences that begin with “and,” “but,” and “like.” Many sentences are either fragmented or too informal for the audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. The author should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb, ends with a punctuation mark, is indented when beginning a new paragraph, and begins a capital letter.

Errors in mechanics and conventions are serious enough to damage the author’s credibility. (“Becuse I thik she has experienced a lot and now she can teach us what we need to know about how to deal with breast

cancer.”)

Model Essay

I select my cusin becuase she knows a lot of school she pasted high school with straight A's and how she is in colloge. The colloge she goes to is called ucla she is 20 years old and is a cool person to meat. She has been to Italy and France she has been allmost al over the world becuase she has a good career.Her name is Jasmine and and she is the best cusin because she gives me good advice of school. When she gave me all that advice i had been doing better in school and started paying attention how to do all my work in class and at home.

I picked my cusin Jasmine because she can help all of my school. She can help my school by telling use how to do it right and can change my school like she changed me. When she gave me that advice it was when i was in the 8th grade and i pasted that grade with a 3.0 had no F's or D's my lowest grade was a C+ and that was in history. So if she comes out here and talks to this school she will help all of use out and make this school a better place to learn. All my friend's were saying how did i do that get no F's just A'and B's i told them you have to do all your work and start paying attention in class.

All my friends always told me that if i changed my grades because i had good grades i said no i didn't. Next day later i showed my cusin that gave me advice i showed her my grades she was happy because all that advice she had given me.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

attempt to provide uninformed readers with information needed to understand the task. (“I select my cusin becuase she knows a lot of school she pasted high school with straight A's and how she is in colloge.”) The writing style is often too informal for the audience. (“So if she comes out here and talks to this school she will help all of use out and make this school a better place to learn.”)

Content & Development

The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support. There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. Each main idea should be written as topic sentence in its own body paragraph. There are some interesting ideas presented, but they are only minimally explored. (“When she gave me that advice it was when i was in the 8th grade and i pasted that grade with a 3.0 had no F's or D's my lowest grade was a C+ and that was in history.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. The introduction includes little background information about the topic. (“I select my cusin becuase she knows a lot of school she pasted high school with straight A's and how she is in colloge.”) Transitions are not used. Finally, the author does include a conclusion that provides readers with a sense of closure, but it does little to summarize the ideas presented. (“All my friends always told me that if i

changed my grades because i had good grades i said no i didn't.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage. Sentence lengths are short. There is repetition. Transitions are needed. The style is not formal. There are numerous fragmented sentences. (“When she gave me that advice it was when i was in the 8th grade and i pasted that grade with a 3.0 had no F's or D's my lowest grade was a C+ and that was in history.”) Poor sentence structure significantly undermines the author’s credibility.

Mechanics & Conventions

There are patterns of error in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. The writer may not end each sentence with a punctuation mark or begin each sentence with a capital letter. Errors in spelling are very serious and significantly undermine the author’s credibility. (“She has been to Italy and France she has been allmost al over the world becuase she has a good career.”)

Model Essay

I think Chris Rock would be a good person to invite to speak at the school, because he is halirous and he would get everyone motivated to do more activities. He inspre people on his wrk he has done over his childhood, he has worked hard for were he is now. Many things he done to improve on everthing he has gone through. That great huh?

He is carring and would know what to say when he needs to, he never slacks , he is someone you can follow and lead to a good path.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer fails to establish a controlling idea, demonstrates no understanding of purpose and audience, and completes virtually no parts of the task. The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. In this case, the author does provide a thesis and attempts to support it throughout the essay, but the brevity of the response makes it difficult to fully assess the author’s capabilities. (“I think Chris Rock would be a good person to invite to speak at the school, because he is halirous and he would get everyone motivated to do more activities.”) Finally, the

essay is too informal for the audience. (“That great huh?”)

Content & Development

The writer fails to develop ideas and uses no details for support. Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. Ideas presented are not developed. (“He inspre people on his wrk he has done over his childhood, he has worked hard for were he is now.”) Ideally, the essay should include at least three main ideas as evidence.

Organization

The essay demonstrates little or no evidence of a unified structure, no introduction or conclusion, and little or no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices. There is some evidence of the author’s attempt to provide an introduction, but there is no background information about the purpose of the essay. (“I think Chris Rock would be a good person to invite to speak at the school, because he is halirous and he would get everyone motivated to do more activities.”) Paragraphing is used, but it is used only once. There are no transitions, and there is no conclusion.

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. Sentence lengths are short. There are no transitions. Some sentences may be fragmented or go on too long. Many sentences are too informal for the audience. (“That great huh?”) Some sentences seem to include multiple ideas, but they are structured in a confusing and almost unintelligible manner. (“Many things he done to improve on everthing he has gone through.”) Errors like these seriously undermine the author’s credibility.

Mechanics & Conventions

There are major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the message. The text may not be indented when beginning a new paragraph, and each sentence may not begin with a capital letter. Spelling is particularly poor. Essays at this level tend to contain many errors that seriously impede the essay’s readability and the author’s credibility. (“He inspre people on his wrk he has done over his childhood, he has worked hard for were he is now.”)

As we mature into young adults and pursue higher education, controversial social issues often begin to grab our attention and affect our view of the world. Whether we choose to give up eating meat, avoid wearing furs, or stop driving gas-guzzling SUVs, most of us will eventually take a stand on a controversial social issue and examine, if not change, an important facet of our life. What controversial social issue has become important to you?

Write a multi-paragraph essay addressed to an admissions officer in which you discuss a controversial social issue that has become important to you or caused you to rethink how you live your life. Be sure to include specific details and examples to support your ideas.

Model Essay

As we grow up and become more mature, there are many things that we, as young adults, take a stand on. Most people have a controversial social issue that really affects their view of the world. To me, the fact that many multi-billion dollar industries are using child labor to produce their products is ridiculous. The use of child labor in huge industries is bad for many different reasons: it provides the lowest profitable wage available to kids, it takes away the education that could be provided for those kids and it causes many kids to become injured or even die.

The children working in factories over in other countries are barely making any money at all. Although it benefits the huge companies' profits, it takes away from the children who are working. When the kids go home with only five dollars a week and are expected to feed their families with it, it seems close to impossible for the kids to do. When this occurs, often times the kids start to put in more hours of work everyday, sometimes exceeding fifteen hours a day. With that said, the working children are not able to attend school and receive a proper education.

While having to work all day in a factory, the children laboring in the factories are forced to skip school, therefore leaving them with no education. Once this starts to happen, the children will most likely never go back to school. They will never complete their education. Without a complete education, the children will not be able to make a life for themselves. It is really hard these days to find a decent occupation that doesn't require a full education. Most likely, in situations like these, the kids never stop working in the factories until they reach a very old age. It's not right for kids to have to give up not only their education, but their future as well.

To add to the deprivation of education, these children are becoming injured in the factories. Tons of children get injured or die every year in child laboring factories all over the world. When a child becomes sleepy in the late morning or afternoon, the child becomes less familiar with the dangerous machinery around them. Because of this, many injuries take place within the factories, sometimes leading to death.

Some of the child labor supporting countries believe that the advantages of child labor outweigh the disadvantages. The supporters reason that while using children as workers, the companies don't have to pay them as much. If it lowers the cost required to hire children, the companies will support it. Although cutting costs may seem to be the best thing to do, one would think that if a multi-billion dollar company needed to use child labor to maintain the income, the company should not even be a multi-billion dollar company in the first place. While some people think that child labor provides for easy production and is less costly, I think that low wages, no education, and injuries outweigh cost problems significantly.

The drawbacks to huge companies favoring child labor are overwhelming: it doesn't equip children with enough money for the amount of work they do; it leaves them with little or no education; and it causes

many factory based injuries or deaths. The advantage of cutting costs is outweighed by the disadvantages. Big companies should not be using child labor in order to produce their materials. Multi-billion dollar companies are using child labor to produce materials. Children should not be working in factories all over the world. Everyone deserves a childhood.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea, demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, completes all parts of the task, and may even go beyond the limits of the task. The introduction gets readers’ attention by attempting to relate common experiences. All of the details proposed afterward relate to the main idea in the opening paragraph. The language fits all of the examples very effectively. Essays at this level should not provide irrelevant information, and this essay is no exception. (“As we grow up and become more mature, there are many things that we, as young adults, take a stand on. Most people have a controversial social issue that really affects their view of the world. To me, the fact that many multi-billion dollar industries are using child labor to produce their products is ridiculous.”)

Content & Development

The essay develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details to support ideas. Relevant points explain and illustrate very effectively. Supporting details develop the examples well. The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain the paragraph’s main idea. The details that are included in each paragraph very effectively develop the main idea of the topic sentence. Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. The essay includes facts and statistics, examples, brief narratives, or explanations to tell a small story. It may also include actual words or quotes from characters/people in the essay, or provide a definition of a difficult or important word about each of the main ideas. The author effectively uses emotional arguments while still maintaining a heavy dependence on facts. (“The children working in factories over in other countries are barely making any money at all. Although it benefits the huge companies' profits, it takes away from the children who are working. When the kids go home with only five dollars a week and are expected to feed their families with it, it seems close to impossible for the kids to do.”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, effective use of paragraphing, and effective use of transitional devices throughout. The essay demonstrates a very effective introduction. The introduction includes very effective background information about the topic. Transitions are used throughout the essay. The author does attempt to address possible counterarguments that opponents might make. The conclusion very effectively sums up the arguments presented and gives readers something new to think about. (“The drawbacks to huge companies favoring child labor are overwhelming: it doesn't equip children with enough money for the amount of work they do; it leaves them with little or no education; and it causes many

factory based injuries or deaths.”)

Language Use & Style

around them. Because of this, many injuries take place within the factories, sometimes leading to death.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“While having to work all day in a factory, the children laboring in the factories are forced to skip school, therefore leaving them with no education. Once this starts to

happen, the children will most likely never go back to school.”)

Model Essay

Thirteen cars on the road create so much pollution that it takes one green tree to get rid it. How many trees to we need? Since we can not plant all of these trees, there is another way of looking at this situation. Cut down on gas, but the only way to cut down on gas, is to convince the people using all of it.

When a family needs a new car it is often looked at as a family decision. Most families want the biggest car with the biggest tires, that sounds the loudest. Every child has a dream of what car he/she wants when they grow up. It is known that guys want trucks, and girls drive little cars. I thought the same before I heard how much it was going to cost me, and how bad it was for the environment. So my parents and I decided that it would be better to get a small car that gets efficient gas mileage.

How much money is it costing you to run your SUV a week? It has been proved, by many car dealerships that most SUVs get around nine-fourteen miles per gallon. This may not seem bad when you compare it to other SUVs, but take a minute and think. Look at how many miles a car gets. While gas prices are rising every day, let's say it takes you $40 to fill up your car, multiply that by fifty-two. This number equals two thousand eight hundred dollars. Imagine all the other things that you could spend this money on. I bet your wife would sure like it for a new pair of shoes. Sound impossible to save this money? Well, you have just been proved wrong. You could save over half of the money that you are spending on gas each year, by purchasing a more cost efficient car. When this subject is talked about, people often think that they are going to hear about the hybrid cars, but they are wrong. Car companies have designed cars now that can get up to thirty-seven miles to the gallon. As well as this plan making your life easier and saving you money, it also lowers the pollution that goes into our environment every day. Although it may take persuasion, this matter is worth arguing over, because at the end of the day its your world to.

Even though they have years of experience, government officials have realized that no matter the inclines on gas prices' people are not going to stop buying gas, so sooner or later gas prices will rise to around $4 a gallon. A few years ago, the gas prices were so high in England that the people refused to drive anywhere, because it was costing to much money. Still want that SUV?

When most people hear this, they often say that they have a need for a big SUV. The question is why? I believe that although England and the United States are two different countries that the same case of rising gas prices is going to lead to people refusing to drive anywhere. Not only will the gas businesses be

affected by this, but so will everybody’s jobs, because with no car this means no work. What happens? Will this be another Great Depression? Sounds stupid, but it could happen anytime.

In conclusion, I asked many people why they had a truck, and when they told me they responded with, "Its sweet dude." Typical high school student. We need to wake up and consider the effects of this lifestyle.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay uses good focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience and completes most parts of the task. The essay grabs the readers’ attention by using an interesting statement, a question, and an engaging statement at the beginning of the introduction. It simultaneously provides some good background

information about the environmental effects of “gas-guzzling” SUVs. All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. The language of the thesis fits the effective examples very well.

(“Thirteen cars on the road create so much pollution that it takes one green tree to get rid it. How many trees to we need? Since we can not plant all of these trees, there is another way of looking at this situation. Cut down on gas, but the only way to cut down on gas, is to convince the people using all of it.”)

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient, appropriate details to support ideas. The essay begins by relating an interesting story about how the family decided to invest in a more environmentally conscious purchase. The author effectively transitions to provide a thesis and supporting details. The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that

explain the paragraph’s main idea. The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. These details work well to support the thesis. (“Even though they have years of experience, government officials have realized that no matter the inclines on gas prices' people are not going to stop buying gas, so sooner or later gas prices will rise to around $4 a gallon.”)

Organization

creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. The essay demonstrates an effective introduction, although the author does not immediately state a thesis. Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. The essay shows the beginning of a good conclusion, but could definitely provide more insight into the problem by providing an interesting anecdote or suggesting a call to action. (“In conclusion, I asked many people why they had a truck, and when they told me they responded with, "Its sweet dude." Typical high school student. We need to wake up and consider the effects of this lifestyle.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice, a clear sense of audience, and use of well-structured sentences with some variety. The language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. The

author’s tone is much more conversational, which is acceptable, provided it is still formal. The author’s style and tone are consistent with this score level. (“How much money is it costing you to run your SUV a week? It has been proved, by many car dealerships that most SUVs get around nine-fourteen miles per gallon. This may not seem bad when you compare it to other SUVs, but take a minute and think.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay uses good control of conventions and mechanics. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, which do not interfere with the message. For example, most sentences have a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and most sentences begin with a capital letter. The essay does have a few spacing errors or additional commas, but they rarely interfere with the message. (“When a family needs a new car it is often looked at as a family decision. Most families want the biggest car with the biggest tires, that sounds the loudest. Every child has a dream of what car he/she wants when they grow up. It is known that guys want trucks, and girls drive

little cars.”)

Model Essay

Although many believe that we are higher up on the food chain, what makes us different then any other animal. There are many other reasons as to why we shouldn't eat meat, including the animals that are killed for food are not treated properly, we wouldn't eat a cat or a dog or why is it ok for us to eat a cow, and it is healthier for us to not eat meat.

Animals that are killed for food are not treated properly. Chickens have their beaks broken or burnt off just so they don't pluck at each other. There are many different hormones that are put into the animals that are not very good for them but helps them gain an unusual amount of weight so they can make more money. Any human would die at the rate that these animals are growing. They are cramed into a small crate and forced to live in a crate not even big enough for them to turn around in. Some of these animals become so stressed out that they begin using cannibalism, and tail biting as means to deal with it. For indentification purposes the animals have chunks of their ears cut off.

Also, we would find it utterly disgusting if someone were to be eating a cat or a dog. What gives these animals that special quaility that cows, pigs, or chickens don't have. It is known that animals act very similar to humans. There have been tests done on pigs and they were able to play video games, and indicate tempature change. Many people belive that pigs are even more sofisticated than dogs are. Chickens have also been known for their ability to realize that once something is hidden is still exsists, a concept that many young childern find hard to grasp.

Not eating meat also is better for your health. The biggest issue that I hear people talk about is what about protein? Well, protein is not only in meat but is found in many other food also such as eggs and zucchini. Many meats are bad for your heart and may cause complications later on in life. Not only that but if you are not eating meat you are eating more of other things and getting more of the nutrients that you can use.

People think that they are big and bad because they are human and are able to take control over thigns that are smaller and more helpless then we are. Why don't people just try to help them out and maybe animals wouldn't be so crazy sometimes. The animals that are used to eat are not treated properly, many people find it disgusting to eat dog but its ok to eat other animals, and eating meat is bad for your health.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea and demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience and completes many parts of the task. The thesis statement states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. The essay understands the intended audience adequately, the writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience, and there is little use of slang or contractions. The content is consistently on topic. Essays at this level may occasionally provide irrelevant information, but the vast majority of the content is concise and on topic.

(“Animals that are killed for food are not treated properly. Chickens have their beaks broken or burnt off just so they don't pluck at each other. There are many different hormones that are put into the animals that are not very good for them but helps them gain an unusual amount of weight so they can make more money.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. It develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details to support ideas. The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. The main ideas of the body paragraph support the thesis. The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. At least three details are stated about each main idea. The essay includes facts and statistics, examples, brief narratives, or explanations about each of the main ideas. The writing

includes about four or five supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate each main idea. The author successfully uses strong emotional arguments to make the case for animal rights. (“Some of these animals become so stressed out that they begin using cannibalism, and tail biting as means to deal with it. For indentification purposes the animals have chunks of their ears cut off.”)

Organization

The essay uses adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, but there is inconsistent use of paragraphing and inconsistent use of transitional devices. The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. The introduction ends with an adequate thesis statement. The author adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction.

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. The conclusion successfully reviews the ideas presented throughout the essay, although ideally the writer could have suggested further reading or a plan of action. (“The animals that are used to eat are not treated properly, many people find it disgusting to eat dog but its ok to eat other animals, and eating meat is bad for your health.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. Exact and specific words from the research and the prompt task are used adequately. Word choices are sometimes poor or awkward, but the majority of the content is well worded and convincing. (“Not only that but if you are not eating meat you are eating more of other things and

getting more of the nutrients that you can use.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

begin with a capital letter. (“There are many different hormones that are put into the animals that are not very good for them but helps them gain an unusual amount of weight so they can make more money. Any human would die at the rate that these animals are growing. They are cramed into a small crate and forced to live in a crate not even big enough for them to turn around in.”)

Model Essay

Dear Mr.Earl:

Alcohol abuse as described in the DSM-IV,"is a psychiatric diagnosis describing the use of alcoholic beverages despite negative consequences.Drug abuse according to Wikipedia has a wide range of definitions related to taking a psychoactive drug or performance enhancing drug for a non-therapeutic or non-medical affect." The reason that I chose these two definitions is that I have concerns about our problems of the future.

The first concern that I aim going to talk about is alcohol abuse I feel that this is a very important topic. Many people are killed daily because of drinking and driving. Many people abuse alcohol as you can see.

15.1 million people in the USA either are alcohol abusers or alcohol-dependent individuals and 4.6 million are women. Nearly 1 in every 13 adult abuse alcohol. This is a problem this makes crime rates up and it

also makes deaths go up. People who are alcoholics are more likely to commit crimes than people who are not.

My second concern that I have is drug abuse. Drug abuse is a big concern because drugs bring people down. Many people who use drugs participate in crimes. A total of 2,767 drug seizure incidents was recorded in 2005/06 an increase 15.2% on 2004/05. As in previous year's cannabis there was the drug most commonly seized. This is a concern because it brings down society.

Both of these are very big concerns because they cause crime rates to go up. They also over populate penitentiary and they waste government money. Thanks for reading my letter.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea, but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience and completes only some parts of the task. Although the author does attempt to provide a basic thesis statement, it is a bit unclear at the end of the first paragraph what the essay is referring to. The writing style is generally appropriate and the content is usually on topic. Essays at this level usually provide a basic thesis, but it is often unclear. Although this essay stays on topic

throughout, irrelevant information may or may not be present on other essays at this level. (“Drug abuse according to Wikipedia has a wide range of definitions related to taking a psychoactive drug or performance enhancing drug for a non-therapeutic or non-medical affect." The reason that I chose these two definitions is that I have concerns about our problems of the future.”)

Content & Development

The essay demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. Essays at this level begin to show significant deficiencies in the amount of content presented, such as having a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. Furthermore, the explanation and details used to explain the main

ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. The author discusses two social issues, but doesn’t assess either issue adequately. There is a serious lack of depth with both arguments. (“As in previous year's cannabis there was the drug most commonly seized. This is a concern because it brings down society.”)

Organization

The essay has limited organization. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, lacks paragraphing, and lacks some transitional devices. The essay demonstrates evidence of a good introduction, but there is a lack of clarity and the thesis is not clearly stated. Essays at this level may or may not use adequate transitions to move between ideas. This essay does not provide any transitions, except for differentiating between the first and second concern. The conclusion attempts to provide some closure for the essay, but it does not sum up the arguments presented or provide encouragement for further reading. Instead, it attempts to include additional ideas, which should have had their own paragraphs devoted to them. (“Both of these are very big concerns because they cause crime

rates to go up. They also over populate penitentiary and they waste government money. Thanks for reading my letter.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates simple language and word choice and some awareness of audience and control of voice. The lengths of the sentences are short. Essays at this level may use the same (or very similar) group of words to begin the first sentences in their respective paragraphs. There may be repetition. Transitions are often needed. Essays at this level often lack formality and the language doesn’t communicate the message effectively. (“My second concern that I have is drug abuse. Drug abuse is a big concern because drugs bring people down. Many people who use drugs participate in crimes.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. The author should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. This essay has relatively minor mechanical errors. (“Alcohol abuse as described in the DSM-IV,"is a psychiatric diagnosis describing the use of alcoholic beverages despite negative consequences.Drug abuse according to Wikipedia has a wide range of definitions related to taking a psychoactive drug or performance enhancing drug for a non-therapeutic or non-medical affect.”)

Model Essay

i think the driving age should remain at 16 because it helps teens with responsibility, safety, and maturity. Teens will be able to expand their job experiences to greater measures. They may also be safer drivers if they have their parents to help them and give them the right support when operating the vehical.

Maturity also play a big role in the contreverse of the drivig age, teens will feel more independent to be able to drive.

allowing teens to drive at a younger age will make them more mature in several ways. They will feel gretaer responsibility and the development of skills that will be need in the future.

having a steady job prepares the teen for the future and also taches them. allowing teens to drive also helps the parents becasue now the teens can do runs to the grocery store and to pick up brothers and sistrs from school and they can do stuff like that. It helps

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. The writer suggests a controlling idea, but demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and completes few parts of the task. The author does state a thesis, which should be reasonably clear to most readers. The essay is on topic throughout, but, considering the essay is at the high-school level, attention to the audience could be better. Essays at this level generally contain less irrelevant information than middle-school or upper-elementary essays, but it is still possibly evident. (“Maturity also play a big role in the contreverse of the drivig age, teens will feel more independent to be able to drive.”)

Content & Development

The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support ideas. There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. The author uses minimal supporting details to build up the argument presented in the thesis. There is really only one or two points made, and they are not adequately detailed. The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. Each main idea should be written as topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“allowing teens to drive at a younger age will make them more mature in several ways. They will feel gretaer responsibility and the development of skills that will be need in the future.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. The essay doesn’t have much evidence of a good

introduction. The author does not attempt to provide any background information or introduce the ideas creatively. The essay’s position is stated, and although this is not a persuasive prompt, an attempt to

counter the opposing points of view would be advisable. Transitions are not used. Either there is no conclusion or the final paragraph simply does not attempt to sum up the ideas presented in the rest of the essay. The essay looks incomplete. (“having a steady job prepares the teen for the future and also taches them. allowing teens to drive also helps the parents becasue now the teens can do runs to the grocery store and to pick up brothers and sistrs from school and they can do stuff like that. It helps”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience and makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. Essays at this level sometimes have short sentences. They can be repetitive, informal, and absent of transitions. They do not effectively communicate the purpose to the

intended audience, either due to poor word choice, sentence structure, or both. (“Maturity also play a big role in the contreverse of the drivig age, teens will feel more independent to be able to drive.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. The essay does not end each sentence with a punctuation mark or begin each sentence with a capital letter. (“allowing teens to drive at a younger age will make them more mature in several ways. They will feel gretaer responsibility and the development of skills that will be need in the future.”)

Model Essay

I thinka lot about the economy now, because since 'm older I realize more than ever te world I will soon be thrown nto, if things don't get better soon the world will revert to panic and county after country will go to recession and then folloing a Depression. America will probably start this massiv chain reaction that ill thro this economy down the tube. We cannot keep things the way they are, America has to change and ast. Our previous leader has taken fll advantage of our nation andmade a huge mistke by making a failing econoy. Petroleum products, agricultural products, natural recourses have all douled since 2006. Many average American familiescannot keep up wll all of these drastic price changes.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer fails to establish a controlling idea, demonstrates no understanding of purpose and audience, and completes no parts of the task. The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay does not state the central/controlling idea of the essay. In the introduction, the supporting idea of the essay is not stated, and the point of view or argument of the essay is not stated. The essay has a rambling style that discusses various economic issues, but does not clarify what causes this or how it can be solved in any meaningful way. The suggestion that readers do what they can to improve the economy is arguably not a controversial idea. (“I thinka lot about the economy now, because since 'm older I realize more than ever te world I will soon be thrown nto, if things don't get better soon the world will revert to panic and county after country will go to recession and then folloing a Depression.”)

Content & Development

The writer fails to develop ideas and uses no details to support ideas. Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. There are no main ideas in the body paragraph(s). There are some ideas presented, but they are

mostly unclear. Essays at the high-school level need to have some clear ideas, preferably in a paragraph form, in order to receive a higher grade. (“Petroleum products, agricultural products, natural recourses have all douled since 2006. Many average American familiescannot keep up wll all of these drastic price changes.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion and no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices. The essay demonstrates no evidence of a good introduction. The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. The first sentence of the introduction does not include a question, a quotation, or an interesting fact or statistic. Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The only indicator that there is any attempt to provide closure for the essay occurs in the

middle of the only paragraph. (“We cannot keep things the way they are, America has to change and ast.

Our previous leader has taken fll advantage of our nation andmade a huge mistke by making a failing econoy.”)

Language Use & Style

context to the statements. (“Petroleum products, agricultural products, natural recourses have all douled since 2006. Many average American familiescannot keep up wll all of these drastic price changes.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the message. The text is not indented when beginning a new paragraph, and each sentence does not begin with a capital letter. Even at the high-school level, essays at this score point often have errors that are so serious they impede meaning. (“We cannot keep things the way they are, America has to change and ast. Our previous leader has taken fll advantage of our nation andmade a huge mistke by making a failing econoy. Petroleum products, agricultural products, natural recourses have all douled since 2006.”)

As college costs continue to rise faster than the general rate of inflation, young college students are increasingly finding themselves saddled with debt and forced to make complex financial decisions. In response, some colleges now channel freshmen through personal finance seminars in which students learn how to budget, how to understand loan terminology, and how to avoid common financial pitfalls.

Think about the financial challenges you may face when you attend college. You may also want to interview a college student you know about his or her challenging experiences. In an essay addressed to a college financial aid officer, outline the financial challenges you believe you will face as a college student and a plan to deal with them successfully. How can you ensure that you will graduate college in good financial shape?

Model Essay

A Means of Cheaply Ensuring a Successful Future

The prospect of college can be for some an enjoyable experience filled with constant partying with friends, for others it is a time to mature and ensure a successful future through the acquiring of an education.

However for nearly all the students which attend universities in the United States, the experience is a costly one. Multiple studies have shown that many students whom attend school in the United States leave college with thousands of dollars in student loans. This is obviously not the ideal situation. If the world were perfect, college would be free, but the world is neither perfect nor ideal; therefore an education costs money. Despite its high price tag, college is still something which should not be put off or ignored, especially solely because of cost there are many ways to ensure a college student graduates in good financial standing. A college or university education is something which all of those which desire it should receive.

There is a prominent negative stigma against the use of student loans as a means of funding a college experience however it is not as bad as people say. One financial expert, Dave Ramsey, has a daily radio talk show, on which he constantly professes that student loans are the most foolish means by which one could fund a college experience. My own parents listen to this talk show and are thoroughly convinced by the message which Mr. Ramsey so adamantly preaches. In some sense this idea is correct, it definitely would be ideal for a student to attend a university and not be in a position of financial need in which student loans would be necessary to fund such a decision. However student loans are not necessarily the worst thing in the world. If used wisely, student loans can be used to insure that one will enjoy his or her college experience and receive the best education possible. Through institutional generosity and contributions from the federal government, student loans have extremely low interest rates and other advantages such as deferral of payments. Student loans should be viewed in a different light, as a means of attaining the best educational experience possible.

Scholarships are also another option which students can turn to as a means of funding a portion of a college experience. Often times there are many more scholarships than there are scholarship applicants; in fact, there are even quite a few scholarships which are never applied for. These said scholarships are essentially wasted money which could have been used to fund the college dreams of many individuals. If one were proactive and investigatory in applying for scholarships, then it would be discovered that the once expensive costs of attending college would be decreased dramatically. Scholarships are one of the best ways to fund the costs of college, because they are essentially sources of free money; unlike loans which must be paid back to the lender when the one who received the money is financially capable of repaying

said loans. One of the things that one can do to deter the costs of college is to apply for as many scholarships as possible.

The two previous points are trivial in comparison to the final method, by which students can pay their ways through college feasibly and with the least amount of pain possible; that is the policy of being thrifty or frugal. Many of the billionaires living in the United States live in houses which cost less than one hundred thousand dollars; which is very cheap for the US home market. Some of the world's richest people live less expensive lives than most average families. The fact that many individuals are not thrifty with their money could be possibly explained by saying that younger people of today do not value money in the same way that older generations value it. Those who have grown up and matured in the late twentieth century have experience times of financial excess in the United States, unlike those whom were forced to live through the Great Depression in American history. It is quite amazing how much money one can save if he or she simply purchases only the bare essentials needed to comfortably sustain life. Much of what Americans buy could be categorized under frivolous expenditures, which are unnecessary. At the point where students could be taught or motivated to live cheaper, then the costs of college would not seem as great, and truthfully would be significantly diminished.

College is too influential in one's life for it to be ignored or not pursued in the first place. Despite the fact that at face value college attendance is usually steeply priced, there are ways to feasibly reduce these great expenses with little to no pain or hardship involved. First of all student loans should not be put out of a student's mind when he or she is determining the means by which a college experience will be funded.

Secondly all scholarships available to a student should be applied for; it is well worth the time. Lastly and most importantly college students should learn or be motivated to live cheaper lifestyles with less frivolous purchases to stretch the funds available to pay for a college education. There are enough options which students have when they are planning the funding of college that such an experience does not have to be unattainably expensive.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience. He/she effectively completes all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task. Notably, the writer leaves readers with a clear picture of how he/she plans to graduate college in good financial shape.

The essay’s introduction grabs the readers’ attention very effectively. (“The prospect of college can be for some an enjoyable experience filled with constant partying with friends, for others it is a time to mature and ensure a successful future through the acquiring of an education. However for nearly all the students which attend universities in the United States, the experience is a costly one. Multiple studies have shown that many students whom attend school in the United States leave college with thousands of dollars in student loans.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the controlling idea very effectively. (“There is a prominent negative stigma against the use of student loans as a means of funding a college experience however it is not as bad as people say. One financial expert, Dave Ramsey, has a daily radio talk show, on which he constantly professes that student loans are the most foolish means by which one could fund a college experience. My own parents listen to this talk show and are thoroughly convinced by the message which Mr. Ramsey so adamantly preaches. In some sense this idea is correct, it definitely would be ideal for a student to attend a university and not be in a position of financial need in which student loans would be necessary to fund such a decision. However student loans are not necessarily the worst thing in the world. If used wisely, student loans can be used to insure that one will enjoy his or her college experience and receive the best education possible.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“Despite its high price tag, college is still something which should not be put off or ignored, especially solely because of cost there are many ways to

ensure a college student graduates in good financial standing. A college or university education is something which all of those which desire it should receive.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully, using a wide variety of appropriate details for support.

Relevant points very effectively explain and illustrate the many ways in which students can ensure that they graduate college in good financial standing. (“Scholarships are also another option which students can turn to as a means of funding a portion of a college experience. Often times there are many more scholarships than there are scholarship applicants; in fact, there are even quite a few scholarships which are never applied for. These said scholarships are essentially wasted money which could have been used to fund the college dreams of many individuals. If one were proactive and investigatory in applying for scholarships, then it would be discovered that the once expensive costs of attending college would be decreased dramatically.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (“The two previous points are trivial in comparison to the final method, by which students can pay their ways through college feasibly and with the least amount of pain possible; that is the policy of being thrifty or frugal. Many of the billionaires living in the United States live in houses which cost less than one hundred thousand dollars; which is very cheap for the US home market. Some of the world's richest people live less expensive lives than most average families. The fact that many individuals are not thrifty with their money could be possibly explained by saying that younger people of today do not value money in the same way that older generations value it.”)

Specific information about using student loans as a means to pay for college is developed very effectively. The writer discusses how loans can put students into an extraordinary amount of debt, but if borrowed correctly, loans can be a great way to help students pay for college. (“In some sense this idea is correct, it definitely would be ideal for a student to attend a university and not be in a position of financial need in which student loans would be necessary to fund such a decision. However student loans are not necessarily the worst thing in the world. If used wisely, student loans can be used to insure that one will enjoy his or her college experience and receive the best education possible. Through institutional generosity and contributions from the federal government, student loans have extremely low interest rates and other advantages such as deferral of payments. Student loans should be viewed in a different light, as a means of attaining the best educational experience possible.”)

Organization

The organization is very effective. The essay demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. There is effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout.

The writer effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction by stating how a lot of students view college. (“The prospect of college can be for some an enjoyable experience filled with constant partying with friends, for others it is a time to mature and ensure a successful future through the acquiring of an

education. However for nearly all the students which attend universities in the United States, the experience is a costly one. Multiple studies have shown that many students whom attend school in the United States leave college with thousands of dollars in student loans. This is obviously not the ideal situation. If the world were perfect, college would be free, but the world is neither perfect nor ideal; therefore an education costs money. Despite its high price tag, college is still something which should not be put off or ignored, especially solely because of cost there are many ways to ensure a college student graduates in good financial standing. A college or university education is something which all of those which desire it should receive.”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect ideas between paragraphs. (“Often times there are many more scholarships than there are scholarship applicants; in fact, there are even quite a few scholarships which are

never applied for. These said scholarships are essentially wasted money which could have been used to fund the college dreams of many individuals. If one were proactive and investigatory in applying for scholarships, then it would be discovered that the once expensive costs of attending college would be decreased dramatically. Scholarships are one of the best ways to fund the costs of college, because they are essentially sources of free money; unlike loans which must be paid back to the lender when the one who received the money is financially capable of repaying said loans.”)

The writer includes an ending that summarizes the main points and provides readers with a sense of closure. (“College is too influential in one's life for it to be ignored or not pursued in the first place.

Despite the fact that at face value college attendance is usually steeply priced, there are ways to feasibly reduce these great expenses with little to no pain or hardship involved. First of all student loans should not be put out of a student's mind when he or she is determining the means by which a college experience will be funded. Secondly all scholarships available to a student should be applied for; it is well worth the time. Lastly and most importantly college students should learn or be motivated to live cheaper lifestyles with less frivolous purchases to stretch the funds available to pay for a college education. There are enough options which students have when they are planning the funding of college that such an experience does not have to be unattainably expensive.”)

Language Use & Style

adds to the effectiveness of the writer’s response.

The writer chooses descriptive words to effectively describe the ways students can ensure they graduate

college in good financial standing. (“The two previous points are trivial in comparison to the final method, by which students can pay their ways through college feasibly and with the least amount of pain possible; that is the policy of being thrifty or frugal. Many of the billionaires living in the United States live in houses which cost less than one hundred thousand dollars; which is very cheap for the US home market.

Some of the world's richest people live less expensive lives than most average families. The fact that many individuals are not thrifty with their money could be possibly explained by saying that younger people of today do not value money in the same way that older generations value it. Those who have grown up and matured in the late twentieth century have experience times of financial excess in the United States, unlike those whom were forced to live through the Great Depression in American history.”)

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related, and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the essay. (“However student loans are not necessarily the worst thing in the world. If used wisely, student

loans can be used to insure that one will enjoy his or her college experience and receive the best education possible. Through institutional generosity and contributions from the federal government, student loans have extremely low interest rates and other advantages such as deferral of payments. Student loans should be viewed in a different light, as a means of attaining the best educational experience possible.”)

The writer demonstrates use of a strong voice throughout the response. (“Scholarships are also another option which students can turn to as a means of funding a portion of a college experience. Often times there are many more scholarships than there are scholarship applicants; in fact, there are even quite a few scholarships which are never applied for. These said scholarships are essentially wasted money which could have been used to fund the college dreams of many individuals. If one were proactive and investigatory in applying for scholarships, then it would be discovered that the once expensive costs of attending college would be decreased dramatically.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

paragraph is indicated by a line break, and words are spelled correctly. (“One financial expert, Dave Ramsey, has a daily radio talk show, on which he constantly professes that student loans are the most foolish means by which one could fund a college experience. My own parents listen to this talk show and are thoroughly convinced by the message which Mr. Ramsey so adamantly preaches. In some sense this idea is correct, it definitely would be ideal for a student to attend a university and not be in a position of financial need in which student loans would be necessary to fund such a decision.”)

Model Essay

College Financial Challenges

College is supposed to be one of the best times of a person's life. However with college tuition costs on the rise, along with the costs of books and housing, it is becoming increasingly difficult for students to stay out of debt, and actually enjoy their college experience. Three financial challenges I believe I will encounter while in college, are the costs of academic supplies, housing expenses, and recreational costs.

During early school years, school supplies consisted of notebooks, folders, pens, pencils, crayons, and markers that never exceeded five dollars. However in college the essentials, pens, pencils, notebooks, are still needed, but the most important supplies are the textbooks. Textbooks become more expensive with every new edition, and as technologies advance they also come with downloadable software and other computer applications. Even the basic textbooks can range from seventy-five to just over one hundred dollars. And now with the technologically advanced books becoming more prevalent, prices can range between one hundred and fifty dollars and a little over two hundred dollars. These dollar amounts are flexible depending on the course and publishing company. A good way to save money on books is by purchasing second-hand textbooks. After a course is over, it is very rare for a student to use the text again. Many schools set up programs for their students to return books or sell them back to the school, so that they can be reused and purchased by another student. Besides school programs there are many web-sites dedicated to selling used books in excellent condition. These programs and web-sites can drastically reduce the price of expensive textbooks.

Most college students view dorms as the only housing option. Although this is the most common place for college students to reside, I've never found it to be a good fit for me. I prefer a little more space and privacy. Apartments can sometimes be an expensive alternative, but most apartments located around campus have good quality apartments with reasonable prices. With a few trustworthy roommates and a job, making rent each month would not be a problem. Another alternative I've considered is joining a sorority. Most sororities have on campus or near campus houses. Some costs go into living at a sorority house, but most of these expenses are covered by doing charity work and fundraising with the sorority.

Since college is supposed to be one of the best times of a persons life, most students spend what they see necessary to have a good time. Sometimes students do not realize that these fun things can be what is draining their bank accounts the most. A lot of students go out to dinner with friends as a way to start off a fun night, which can usually be followed by a night of dancing and clubbing. A good way to save money on a night like this is by making dinner at home. A lot of money can be saved by going to a grocery store, purchasing ingredients, and making a home cooked meal at home with friends. However if going out to dinner before the club is necessary, it is better to go to the club during a deal on admission or drink specials.

Simple steps can be taken to save money and reduce the amount spent in college, and also help students stay out of debt. Being accepted to a college is always a joyous and exciting occasion. However now it is being followed by the nervousness and anxiety about being able to afford the high costs of a college education.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay’s introduction grabs the readers’ attention. (“College is supposed to be one of the best times of a person's life. However with college tuition costs on the rise, along with the costs of books and housing, it is becoming increasingly difficult for students to stay out of debt, and actually enjoy their college experience.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the financial challenges that the writer may face and how he/she plans to address those challenges. (“Most college students view dorms as the only housing option.

Although this is the most common place for college students to reside, I've never found it to be a good fit for me. I prefer a little more space and privacy. Apartments can sometimes be an expensive alternative, but most apartments located around campus have good quality apartments with reasonable prices. With a few trustworthy roommates and a job, making rent each month would not be a problem.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very well. (“Three financial challenges I believe I will encounter while in college, are the costs of academic supplies, housing expenses, and recreational costs.”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient and appropriate details for support.

The content in the body paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain the financial challenges the writer may face and how he/she plans to address these challenges. (“During early school years, school supplies consisted of notebooks, folders, pens, pencils, crayons, and markers that never exceeded five dollars. However in college the essentials, pens, pencils, notebooks, are still needed, but the most important supplies are the textbooks. Textbooks become more expensive with every new edition, and as technologies advance they also come with downloadable software and other computer applications. Even the basic textbooks can range from seventy-five to just over one hundred dollars. And now with the technologically advanced books becoming more prevalent, prices can range between one hundred and fifty dollars and a little over two hundred dollars. These dollar amounts are flexible depending on the course and publishing company. A good way to save money on books is by purchasing second-hand textbooks. After a course is over, it is very rare for a student to use the text again. Many schools set up programs for their students to return books or sell them back to the school, so that they can be reused and purchased by another student. Besides school programs there are many web-sites dedicated to selling used books in excellent condition. These programs and web-sites can drastically reduce the price of expensive textbooks.”)

The details in each paragraph connect to the main idea in the topic sentence. (“Most college students view dorms as the only housing option. Although this is the most common place for college students to reside, I've never found it to be a good fit for me. I prefer a little more space and privacy. Apartments can sometimes be an expensive alternative, but most apartments located around campus have good quality apartments with reasonable prices. With a few trustworthy roommates and a job, making rent each month would not be a problem. Another alternative I've considered is joining a sorority. Most sororities have on campus or near campus houses. Some costs go into living at a sorority house, but most of these expenses are covered by doing charity work and fundraising with the sorority.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“Since college is supposed to be one of the best times of a persons life, most students spend what they see necessary to have a good time. Sometimes students do not realize that these fun things can be what is draining their bank accounts the most. A lot of students go out to dinner with friends as a way to start off a fun night, which can usually be followed by a night of dancing and clubbing. A good way to save money on a night like this is by making dinner at home. A lot of

money can be saved by going to a grocery store, purchasing ingredients, and making a home cooked meal at home with friends. However if going out to dinner before the club is necessary, it is better to go to the club during a deal on admission or drink specials.”)

Organization

There is good organization of ideas and events throughout the essay. The essay demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. Additionally, the essay reflects a consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The writer demonstrates an effective introduction. (“College is supposed to be one of the best times of a person's life. However with college tuition costs on the rise, along with the costs of books and housing, it is becoming increasingly difficult for students to stay out of debt, and actually enjoy their college experience. Three financial challenges I believe I will encounter while in college, are the costs of academic supplies, housing expenses, and recreational costs.”)

Transitions within paragraphs and between sentences are used well. (“I prefer a little more space and privacy. Apartments can sometimes be an expensive alternative, but most apartments located around campus have good quality apartments with reasonable prices. With a few trustworthy roommates and a job, making rent each month would not be a problem. Another alternative I've considered is joining a sorority. Most sororities have on campus or near campus houses. Some costs go into living at a sorority house, but most of these expenses are covered by doing charity work and fundraising with the sorority.”)

The essay’s conclusion provides the readers with closure. (“Simple steps can be taken to save money and reduce the amount spent in college, and also help students stay out of debt. Being accepted to a college is always a joyous and exciting occasion. However now it is being followed by the nervousness and anxiety about being able to afford the high costs of a college education.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good use of language, voice, and style throughout the essay. He/she demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, good voice, and a clear sense of audience. Additionally, the writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety.

The language and tone are consistent. (“Since college is supposed to be one of the best times of a persons life, most students spend what they see necessary to have a good time. Sometimes students do not realize that these fun things can be what is draining their bank accounts the most. A lot of students go out to dinner with friends as a way to start off a fun night, which can usually be followed by a night of dancing and clubbing. A good way to save money on a night like this is by making dinner at home.”)

essay. (“Most college students view dorms as the only housing option. Although this is the most common place for college students to reside, I've never found it to be a good fit for me. I prefer a little more space and privacy. Apartments can sometimes be an expensive alternative, but most apartments located around campus have good quality apartments with reasonable prices. With a few trustworthy roommates and a job, making rent each month would not be a problem.”)

The writer employs good word choice to describe the financial challenge of purchasing textbooks.

(“During early school years, school supplies consisted of notebooks, folders, pens, pencils, crayons, and markers that never exceeded five dollars. However in college the essentials, pens, pencils, notebooks, are still needed, but the most important supplies are the textbooks. Textbooks become more expensive with every new edition, and as technologies advance they also come with downloadable software and other computer applications. Even the basic textbooks can range from seventy-five to just over one hundred dollars.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences begin with capital letters, have subject-verb agreement, and have appropriate capitalization and punctuation. The writer should also ensure all words are used and spelled correctly, and line breaks are used to indicate new paragraphs. (“Since college is supposed to be one of the best times of a persons life, most students spend what they see necessary to have a good time. Sometimes students do not realize that these fun things can be what is draining their bank accounts the most. A lot of students go out to dinner with friends as a way to start off a fun night, which can usually be followed by a night of dancing and clubbing. A good way to save money on a night like this is by making dinner at home. A lot of money can be saved by going to a grocery store, purchasing ingredients, and making a home cooked meal at home with friends. However if going out to dinner before the club is necessary, it is better to go to the club during a deal on admission or drink specials.”)

Model Essay

To Whom This May Concern:

College is a very expensive time in many people's lives. Tuition, room and board, meal plans, books, and various other expenses add up very quickly. Most college students emerge from their four years of higher learning with debts, especially from student loans and credit card debts. As a high school student, I can merely predict the challenges of college expenses. However, I feel confident that I will be financially stable throughout my college experience, even after graduation.

My spending habits will benefit me, especially during college, and help me to stay out of debt. One of my assets is my frugal spending. For example, I rarely ever buy anything expensive, if I buy anything at all. This will make outside expenses like clothes and room decorations, a small priority to me; thus, I will have sufficient money to spend on college expenses. I also save my money regularly, which will help pay for college expenses, as well. There are other the reasons that I believe I will stay out of debt during college.

I have a very supportive family, whom I know will help me when I need it. I feel as though I can always look to them as a "helping hand"; although, I do not want to depend upon them. For example, they have promised to pay for a portion of my college expenses. My parents are middle-class, but have devoted all they can to my sister and me. Even though I am a junior in high school, my parents have already told me multiple times that they will help me in college as much as they can. It's comforting to know that I always have an alternate plan. This is not the only way my family has helped me prepare for the cost of college.

I already have a fairly good understand of the expenses for college. My older sister is now a sophomore in college. From her experiences, I have learned what it is like to pay for college. I have also done a lot of research on college expenses and how to pay for them; I read in college magazines as research. With these two things, I have received an understanding of college finances. This understanding has helped me to prepare, both financially and mentally, for the price of college. I believe that these factors in my life that will stabilize my finances during college.

College is hard to pay for, but I strongly believe that I will manage to do it flawlessly. My spending habits will help me to save money, only spending it on the necessary essentials. There is also my loving family, who will help support me during college. Lastly, through my research and the knowledge my sister has given me, I have already begun to prepare for college and its expenses. Though college is a very expensive time, I believe that I can overcome this obstacle.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains adequate focus and meaning in the essay. The essay reveals a controlling idea and a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer also provides descriptions and details that are relevant and completes many parts of the task.

The thesis statement presents the supporting idea of the essay and the viewpoint of the writer adequately. (“College is a very expensive time in many people's lives. Tuition, room and board, meal plans, books, and various other expenses add up very quickly. Most college students emerge from their four years of higher learning with debts, especially from student loans and credit card debts. As a high school student, I can merely predict the challenges of college expenses. However, I feel confident that I will be financially stable throughout my college experience, even after graduation.”)

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The writer is devoted to informing the readers about the financial challenges he/she may face in college and how he/she plans to address those challenges. (“My spending habits will benefit me, especially during college, and help me to stay out of debt. One of my assets is my frugal spending. For example, I rarely ever buy anything expensive, if I buy anything at all.

This will make outside expenses like clothes and room decorations, a small priority to me; thus, I will have sufficient money to spend on college expenses. I also save my money regularly, which will help pay for college expenses, as well. There are other the reasons that I believe I will stay out of debt during college.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“I have a very supportive family, whom I know will help me when I need it. I feel as though I can always

look to them as a ‘helping hand’; although, I do not want to depend upon them. For example, they have promised to pay for a portion of my college expenses. My parents are middle-class, but have devoted all they can to my sister and me.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support.

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“I have a very supportive family, whom I know will help me when I need it. I feel as though I can always look to them as a ‘helping hand’; although, I do not want to depend upon them. For example, they have promised to pay for a portion of my college expenses. My parents are middle-class, but have devoted all they can to my sister and me. Even though I am a junior in high school, my parents have already told me multiple times that they will help me in college as much as they can. It's comforting to know that I always have an alternate plan. This is not the only way my family has helped me prepare for the cost of college.”)

The details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“My spending habits will benefit me, especially during college, and help me to stay out of debt. One of my assets is my frugal spending. For example, I rarely ever buy anything expensive, if I buy anything at all. This will make outside expenses like clothes and room decorations, a small priority to me; thus, I will have sufficient money to spend on college expenses.”) However, more specific details would enhance the writer’s descriptions of the ideas he/she has about ensuring that he/she graduates college in good financial standing.

The writer provides anecdotal examples that are relevant. (“I already have a fairly good understand of the expenses for college. My older sister is now a sophomore in college. From her experiences, I have learned what it is like to pay for college. I have also done a lot of research on college expenses and how to pay for them; I read in college magazines as research. With these two things, I have received an understanding of college finances. This understanding has helped me to prepare, both financially and mentally, for the price of college. I believe that these factors in my life that will stabilize my finances during college.”)

Organization

The beginning of the essay demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention. (“College is a very expensive time in many people's lives. Tuition, room and board, meal plans, books, and various other expenses add up very quickly. Most college students emerge from their four years of higher learning with debts, especially from student loans and credit card debts.”)

Subtle transitions are used to connect ideas. (“For example, I rarely ever buy anything expensive, if I buy anything at all. This will make outside expenses like clothes and room decorations, a small priority to me; thus, I will have sufficient money to spend on college expenses. I also save my money regularly, which will help pay for college expenses, as well.”)

The writer’s conclusion summarizes the main points of the response and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“College is hard to pay for, but I strongly believe that I will manage to do it flawlessly. My spending habits will help me to save money, only spending it on the necessary essentials. There is also my loving family, who will help support me during college. Lastly, through my research and the knowledge my sister has given me, I have already begun to prepare for college and its expenses. Though college is a very expensive time, I believe that I can overcome this obstacle.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is adequate. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, as well as awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structures with some variety .

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“One of my assets is my frugal spending. For example, I rarely ever buy anything expensive, if I buy anything at all. This will make outside expenses like clothes and room decorations, a small priority to me; thus, I will have sufficient money to spend on college expenses. I also save my money regularly, which will help pay for college expenses, as well. There are other the

reasons that I believe I will stay out of debt during college.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the response. He/she provides language that adequately describes how he/she plans to graduate college in good financial standing. (“I have a very

supportive family, whom I know will help me when I need it. I feel as though I can always look to them as a ‘helping hand’; although, I do not want to depend upon them. For example, they have promised to pay for a portion of my college expenses. My parents are middle-class, but have devoted all they can to my sister and me. Even though I am a junior in high school, my parents have already told me multiple times that they will help me in college as much as they can. It's comforting to know that I always have an alternate plan.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the essay. (“College is hard to pay for, but I strongly believe that I will manage to do it flawlessly. My spending habits will help me to save money, only spending it on the necessary essentials. There is also my loving family, who will help support me during college. Lastly, through my research and the knowledge my sister has given me, I have already begun to prepare for college and its expenses.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits adequate control of mechanics and conventions throughout most of the essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should ensure that sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have subject-verb agreement, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, words are used and spelled correctly, and paragraphs are indicated with line breaks. (“I have a very supportive family, whom I know will help me when I need it. I feel as though I can always look to them as a ‘helping hand’; although, I do not want to depend upon them. For example, they have promised to pay for a portion of my college expenses. My parents are middle-class, but have devoted all they can to my sister and me.”)

Model Essay

Financial Planning for college is one of the most important to all the student who planning to go college. Having a plan how to pay your tuition fee will avoid common financial when you get your master or bachelor degree on college. On college, not only your grades will be a problem because theirs financial fee that you need to involve while you are studying. Financial plans is for people covering various aspects of personal finance that includes cash flow management, education planning, retirement planning,etc.

Beginning life at college naturally generates both excitement and anxiety for many reasons including the move, academic responsibilities, and meeting new people. New experiences can lead you for being interested in college. I interview someone that has a experience on college. She said that, "as of many college students, they always have to think on how to budget their allowances for a month or so. It's an everyday needs of the college student. For transportation, everyday food, lots of projects, and even their tuition fees. They can pay even just a half of it before having a prelim examinations. and the rest is after. There come a time that they have to borrow some money for their transportation or food just to survive for one day. Most of the college student's money is just going to a loads of projects. more paperworks and stuffs. some need to buy some equipments just to do it. especially on the thesis stuffs, cause you need something to prove your theory.

Overall, It tells about us that not only finance problems can be in counter on a college life. Projects, foods, moneys, transfortations and more can be a problems on college. Having a good planning stuff for college can help us to prepare for it and not having a financial problems after we finish college.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the essay. The writer establishes a limited controlling idea and demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she provides limited

descriptions and details that may not give the readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Only some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The writer reveals the controlling idea in a very limited way. (“Financial Planning for college is one of the most important to all the student who planning to go college. Having a plan how to pay your tuition fee will avoid common financial when you get your master or bachelor degree on college.”)

The writer’s focus is limited. The writer focuses on some financial challenges he/she may face, but the description is limited at best. (“She said that, ‘as of many college students, they always have to think on how to budget their allowances for a month or so. It's an everyday needs of the college student. For transportation, everyday food, lots of projects, and even their tuition fees. They can pay even just a half of it before having a prelim examinations. and the rest is after.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the essay and should include more meaningful examples to illustrate how he/she plans to graduate college in good financial standing. By including specific and clear examples, the writer would help readers to picture the subject of the essay in their minds. (“Most of the college student's money is just going to a loads of projects. more paperworks and stuffs. some need to buy

some equipments just to do it. especially on the thesis stuffs, cause you need something to prove your theory.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support.

The writer uses limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“I interview someone that has a experience on college. She said that, ‘as of many college students, they always have to think on how to budget their allowances for a month or so. It's an everyday needs of the college student. For transportation, everyday food, lots of projects, and even their tuition fees.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. (“Beginning life at college naturally generates both excitement and anxiety for many reasons including the move, academic responsibilities, and meeting new people.”)

The details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“Most of the college student's money is just going to a loads of projects. more paperworks and stuffs. some need to buy some equipments just to do it. especially on the thesis stuffs, cause you need something to prove your theory.”)

Organization

There is limited organization of main ideas and supporting details in the essay. The essay demonstrates some evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. There is limited use of paragraphing, and the essay lacks some transitional devices.

The writer demonstrates a limited introduction. (“Financial Planning for college is one of the most important to all the student who planning to go college. Having a plan how to pay your tuition fee will avoid common financial when you get your master or bachelor degree on college. On college, not only your grades will be a problem because theirs financial fee that you need to involve while you are studying.

Financial plans is for people covering various aspects of personal finance that includes cash flow management, education planning, retirement planning,etc.”)

Strong transitions within paragraphs and between sentences are needed to enhance the flow of the writer’s ideas. (“Beginning life at college naturally generates both excitement and anxiety for many reasons including the move, academic responsibilities, and meeting new people. New experiences can lead you for

being interested in college. I interview someone that has a experience on college. She said that, ‘as of many college students, they always have to think on how to budget their allowances for a month or so. It's an

everyday needs of the college student.”)

Although the conclusion of the essay provides the readers with a sense of closure, it does not summarize the main ideas nor leave readers with something to think about. (“Overall, It tells about us that not only

finance problems can be in counter on a college life. Projects, foods, moneys, transfortations and more can be a problems on college. Having a good planning stuff for college can help us to prepare for it and not

having a financial problems after we finish college.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited use of language, voice, and style. The essay reveals simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience, and some control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, the word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the

effectiveness of the writer’s message.

Some sentences are short. (“It's an everyday needs of the college student. For transportation, everyday food, lots of projects, and even their tuition fees. They can pay even just a half of it before having a prelim

examinations. and the rest is after.”) The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the response more interesting to the intended audience.

Oftentimes, exact words are missing, which makes the writer’s message difficult to understand. (“There come a time that they have to borrow some money for their transportation or food just to survive for one day. Most of the college student's money is just going to a loads of projects.”)

The sentences are too informal, and the word choices are very basic. Combined, these elements do not effectively communicate the writer's ideas to the intended audience. (“Overall, It tells about us that not

only finance problems can be in counter on a college life. Projects, foods, moneys, transfortations and more can be a problems on college. Having a good planning stuff for college can help us to prepare for it and not having a financial problems after we finish college.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The control of mechanics and conventions is limited in the essay. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the writer’s message.

The writer should make sure each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with line breaks, and words are used and spelled correctly within the context of sentences. (“and the rest is after. There come a time that they have to borrow some money for their transportation or food just to survive for one day. Most of the college student's money is just going to a loads of projects. more paperworks and stuffs. some need to buy some equipments just to do it. especially on the thesis stuffs, cause you need something to prove your theory.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

College will put many people through tough times financially. Many problems will be through the loans they take to help them pay off the large portion from their tuition. Many of them have jobs but that won't always help when the tuition is over 30 grand a year. Loans are a good way to help with paying your tuition. But students need to have jobs and cant rely on their parents to buy everything for them. Many banks or even schools supply the correct loan to pay off the tuitions.

There are many different ways to help pay off of the loans. The first way is to win the lottery because the lottery gives tons of money away all the time and that money could easily pay off a college tuition.

Although winning the lottery is very improbable it is still worth the shot. Another way to help pay off tuition is by getting the good degree you are going there to get so that the students will get a good paying job and then the payments will be easy to make.

So in the end the easiest ways to pay off a tuition is by winning the lottery or by actually gettin a good job to pay it off.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay only minimally includes a controlling idea. (“College will put many people through tough times financially.”) The writer misses the opportunity to elaborate on the specific financial challenges he/she may face. By providing more details in the response, the writer can create a richly textured message that gives the readers a clear picture of how he/she plans to graduate college in good financial standing.

The writer does not maintain the focus on supporting ideas sufficiently enough to give readers a true sense of the financial challenges he/she may encounter. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“Many problems will be through the loans they take to help them pay off the large portion from their tuition. Many of them have jobs but that won't always help when the tuition is over 30 grand a year. Loans are a good way to help with paying your tuition. But students need to have jobs and cant rely on their parents to buy everything for them. Many banks or even schools supply the correct loan

to pay off the tuitions.”)

The writer’s details are minimally developed. (“There are many different ways to help pay off of the loans. The first way is to win the lottery because the lottery gives tons of money away all the time and that money could easily pay off a college tuition. Although winning the lottery is very improbable it is still worth the shot.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s thesis statement. (“College will put many people through tough times financially. Many problems will be through the loans they take to help them pay off the large portion from their tuition. Many of them have jobs but that won't always help when the

tuition is over 30 grand a year. Loans are a good way to help with paying your tuition.”)

In the response, the writer does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“There are many different ways to help pay off of the loans. The first way is to win the lottery because the lottery gives tons of money away all the time and that money could easily pay off a college tuition. Although winning the lottery is very improbable it is still worth the shot. Another way to help pay off tuition is by getting the good degree you are going there to get so that the students will get a good paying job and then the

payments will be easy to make.”)

Details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. Details include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations that give the readers a clear picture of how he/she plans to graduate college in good financial shape. (“So in the end the easiest ways to pay off a tuition is by winning the lottery or by actually gettin a good job to pay it off.”)

Organization

The writer does not effectively grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“College will put many people through tough times financially. Many problems will be through the loans they take to help them pay off the large portion from their tuition. Many of them have jobs but that won't always help when the tuition is over 30 grand a year. Loans are a good way to help with paying your tuition. But students need to have jobs and cant rely on their parents to buy everything for them. Many banks or even schools supply the correct loan to pay off the tuitions.”)

The writer attempts to use transitional devices to help connect ideas. (“Although winning the lottery is very improbable it is still worth the shot. Another way to help pay off tuition is by getting the good degree

you are going there to get so that the students will get a good paying job and then the payments will be easy to make.”)

The writer does little to include a strong conclusion. (“So in the end the easiest ways to pay off a tuition is by winning the lottery or by actually gettin a good job to pay it off.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentences are short and, in some cases, fragmented. (“There are many different ways to help pay off of the loans.”)

Exact words are missing, which can affect meaning. (“Another way to help pay off tuition is by getting the good degree you are going there to get so that the students will get a good paying job and then the

payments will be easy to make.”)

The writer relies on simple sentence structures and word choice. (“College will put many people through tough times financially. Many problems will be through the loans they take to help them pay off the large portion from their tuition. Many of them have jobs but that won't always help when the tuition is over 30 grand a year.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is minimal. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, spelling, or punctuation that interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits sentences with appropriate capitalization and punctuation. The writer should also make sure words are spelled and used correctly, and that paragraphing with line breaks is used to separate ideas into an organized essay. (“So in the end the easiest ways to pay off a tuition is by winning the lottery or by actually gettin a good job to pay it off.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

First I believe I will have some money problem in the future ahead. With probably the books or something. Or maybe even my apartment. I probably will have to get a job if I dont already have one. I will not take any loans because that could hurt me in the future. The El Dorado Promise though would help me out alot in the financial department. Just a stepping stone for greatness.

I am going work as hard as I can to get to the top. Thats how it is in todays society. It's gonna be hard, no dought about it. But thats how its gonna be.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience because he/she does not include relevant details to explain the financial challenges he/she may face and how to ensure he/she graduates in good financial shape. (“I am going work as hard as I can to get to the top. Thats how it is in todays society. It's gonna be hard, no dought about it. But thats how its gonna be.”)

The writer states a controlling idea but does not develop it adequately through examples and descriptive details. (“First I believe I will have some money problem in the future ahead.”)

The essay’s lack of specific details renders the writer’s message ineffective and incomplete. (“The El Dorado Promise though would help me out alot in the financial department. Just a stepping stone for greatness.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer neglects to develop how he/she plans to graduate college in good financial shape, using little or no details for support.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the controlling idea of the essay. (“First I believe I will have some money problem in the future ahead. With probably the books or something. Or maybe even my apartment. I probably will have to get a job if I dont already have one.”)

In the response, there are no main ideas presented as body paragraphs. At least three main ideas should be included as evidence. (“I am going work as hard as I can to get to the top. Thats how it is in todays society. It's gonna be hard, no dought about it. But thats how its gonna be.”)

Details are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Details could include examples, facts, brief

narratives, or explanations to bring the writer’s ideas to life. (“The El Dorado Promise though would help me out alot in the financial department. Just a stepping stone for greatness.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate as well. The essay demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure, introduction, or conclusion, and there is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“First I believe I will have some money problem in the future ahead.”)

Transitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“I probably will have to get a job if I dont already have one. I will not take any loans because that could hurt me in the future. The El Dorado Promise though would help me out alot in the financial department. Just a stepping stone for greatness.”)

The writer does not include a strong conclusion. (“I am going work as hard as I can to get to the top. Thats how it is in todays society. It's gonna be hard, no dought about it. But thats how its gonna be.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is inadequate. He/she demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences are short. (“With probably the books or something. Or maybe even my apartment. I probably will have to get a job if I dont already have one. I will not take any loans because that could hurt me in the future.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended

audience. (“First I believe I will have some money problem in the future ahead. With probably the books or something. Or maybe even my apartment.”)

The writer relies on simple sentences and word choices. (“I am going work as hard as I can to get to the top. Thats how it is in todays society. It's gonna be hard, no dought about it. But thats how its gonna be.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure that the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and use of paragraphs with line breaks to separate ideas. The essay is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“I am going work as hard as I can to get to the top. Thats how it is in todays society. It's gonna be hard, no dought about it. But thats how its gonna be.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

When deciding which students to admit, colleges consider many factors about each student. After all, colleges are interested in building a student body that is academically curious, but also diverse and actively engaged in a range of productive, creative activities.

Write a personal statement to be read by a college admissions officer. In this statement, discuss how your academic interests, extracurricular activities, and life experiences will benefit the college community.

Model Essay

In high schools today, students are offered a variety of classes, activities, clubs, and opportunities to succeed. Some students, though, do not take these opportunities. The skills they can learn in their classes and extracurricular activities can help them a great deal in college. Unlike some students who do not take advantage of what school has to offer, I have taken advantage of everything my middle and high school has given me to succeed. Throughout my life I have been focused on what I want to do with my future. I have prepared myself for college, and have been wanting to have a higher education as early as I can remember. I know for a fact, that I would make an excellent student in your college, and that I am ready to face whatever it is willing to offer me. I have accomplished a lot to get what I want in college, a major in art and minor in interior design. Throughout my school years I have been an excellent student, have participated in a variety of extracurricular activities, have worked on getting ahead, and have done a number of different things outside of school to help me along my path towards success. Having these experiences has readied me for my future, and will help me to succeed in college and in life.

To begin with, maintaining good grades has always been one of my top priorities. I am and have been a focused student throughout my life. I do my school work, study hard, and do whatever I can to get ahead. I have never been off of middle school or high school honor roll, and plan on keeping it that way. I try to accomplish everything I can in school, and benefit from what I am learning in every way possible. I am a hard worker in school, and use my time wisely. I would say that most of my teachers would not consider me a slacker. If I ever have trouble with a subject, or need help on something, I always ask for extra advice. This includes staying after class with the teacher, so I can understand what is being asked of me. I know that keeping good grades will help me in college so I can maintain the goals I have now and apply them in the future. The study and work habits I have will also carry on, and help to make me a great student. Many students get into trouble at school, as well as not doing their homework. Unlike them, I have never gotten a detention or referral. I have found other ways to have fun while learning, in the form of extracurricular activities. Doing my part in school has gotten me farther than I could have ever imagined. Art has always had an important role in my life. It is a way for me to express myself, and is something I know I live for. I put my heart into every piece of artwork I create, and others are beginning to see it as well. In middle school I won ribbons in art shows, and was elected most artistic in my eighth grade class. In high school I won first place in art shows, and even won a contest internationally my junior year. In chemistry class sophomore year we had to design a poster concerning chemistry, and how it effects our lives. The subject of our poster had to be simple and easy to understand world wide. I was excited we had a chance to draw something in a class like chemistry, so I took the opportunity to show off my talent. When I turned the finished poster in I had no idea I would eventually be the only finalist in the United States to be accepted. With 944 submissions from 32 other countries, my poster was sent and shown in Korea. To my surprise, it was placed in the top twelve. I found out I had done so well when I saw my poster published in an international chemistry magazine, Chemistry International. I know I will never stop giving my all towards my artwork and school work in college. I push myself to do my best, and achieving my goals gives me motivation to keep on improving.

Just as importantly, participating in extra curricular activities at school has taught me quite a bit through the years. It allows me to have fun, help others, and learn all at once. One activity I have been involved in for almost ten years is soccer. I have played indoor and outdoor soccer for my high school, middle school, and park district teams. While playing, I had to maintain my grades, and my determination to stay on the team helped me to keep them up. Playing a on a team sport for my high school gave me school spirit, and a chance to meet other students that I would not have met otherwise. Before soccer season starts, I am an active member of clubs, and participate in school events. I have helped decorate for school dances, and played in Powderpuff. Clubs are another important way that I have helped my school and community. I have been in FCCLA (Family Career and Community Leaders of America) for a year, and in the club we have made cards for elderly patients at special care facilities, painted on windows for school parades, and made cookies on holidays for school faculty members. Being a member in FCCLA has also given me the opportunity to expand my horizons for my future career. In the club I was able to be in a regional competition for Interior Design, the subject that I would like to minor in. I spent a good deal of time and effort on boards for a home design, and placed second. This gave me confidence to pursue this career and made me want to learn more about it. Although FCCLA was a fun club to be a part of, my favorite has always been Art Club. Art has always been my passion, and it is why I want to go to art school. In the club,

I had the chance to add a piece of me to the school, and did so by designing and painting a mural (with a

little help from friends) in the girl’s sport locker room. It took us six months to finish the mural, but I stuck through it, and was always excited to see the final results. Being in Art Club also gave me a chance to work extra time on my school art projects, and enter in school art competitions. Sophomore year I won the ornament decorating contest, and Junior year I entered a sketch for a Battle of the Bands T-shirt. I plan on joining clubs and possibly a sport in college because I know they have helped me in the past and will continue to help me. Being involved in extra curricular activities in school has helped me out more than I can express but I have also spent time out of school preparing for my future.

Because an education is has such a big role in my life, I practice writing, drawing, and other skills I have learned outside of school. I paint and draw whenever I can, and have drawn and designed brochures for middle schools. One I am especially proud of is a pamphlet for kindergartners for their kindergarten graduation day. The pamphlet has a barnyard theme, has pictures of animals, and everyday items from life on the farm. The school plans on using them yearly, and I am glad that I have helped someone, and am able to make people smile when they see my illustrations. In college, I hope that I can help the school by giving time to make life for students easier, by making notices or whatever the school might need. During high school I have also taken classes for writing at CLC where I learned about journalism, and creative writing. I hope to major in illustration or another form of fine art in college, and would like to write and illustrate children s books someday. Taking these classes taught me exactly what I need to do to prepare myself for college and what to expect. I am sure that they will help me in college, and have opened my eyes to all the job possibilities there are. Taking time out of school to study helps me understand the topics I am learning, and has made me stay focused on an education.

To sum it up, I am a dedicated student, and I know I would make an excellent addition to your school’s student body. I know what I want out of my future, and have done everything humanly possible to try and achieve it. In the past I have been a good student, something that all colleges look for, and have been involved in a variety of extracurricular activities. I believe that I have prepared myself for college, and have done everything outside and inside of school to get ahead. Having a college education is very important to me and my future, and I am willing to do anything to have it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay establishes very effective focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea, demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes all parts of the task, even going beyond the limits of the task.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by very effectively using an engaging statement in the beginning of the introduction. (“In high schools today, students are offered a variety of classes, activities, clubs, and opportunities to succeed. Some students, though, do not take these opportunities. The skills they can learn

in their classes and extracurricular activities can help them a great deal in college. Unlike some students who do not take advantage of what school has to offer, I have taken advantage of everything my middle and high school has given me to succeed. Throughout my life I have been focused on what I want to do with my future. I have prepared myself for college, and have been wanting to have a higher education as early as I can remember.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central idea very effectively. (“To begin with, maintaining good grades has always been one of my top priorities. I am and have been a focused student throughout my life. I do my school work, study hard, and do whatever I can to get ahead. I have never been off of middle school or high school honor roll, and plan on keeping it that way. I try to accomplish everything I can in school, and benefit from what I am learning in every way possible.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with details about why this particular student is a perfect candidate to attend the college or university of his/her choice. The student thoroughly discusses his/her academic interests, extracurricular activities, and life experiences. (“I plan on joining clubs and possibly a sport in college because I know they have helped me in the past and will continue to help me.

Being involved in extra curricular activities in school has helped me out more than I can express but I have also spent time out of school preparing for my future.”)

Content & Development

Very effective content and development are seen in this essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details to support ideas.

Relevant points explain and illustrate the writer’s explanation of his/her academic interests, extracurricular activities, and life experiences very effectively. (“Just as importantly, participating in extra curricular activities at school has taught me quite a bit through the years. It allows me to have fun, help others, and learn all at once. One activity I have been involved in for almost ten years is soccer. I have played indoor and outdoor soccer for my high school, middle school, and park district teams. While playing, I had to

maintain my grades, and my determination to stay on the team helped me to keep them up.”)

Specific information about the writer’s achievements both inside and outside the classroom is developed very effectively. (“Because an education is has such a big role in my life, I practice writing, drawing, and

other skills I have learned outside of school. I paint and draw whenever I can, and have drawn and designed brochures for middle schools. One I am especially proud of is a pamphlet for kindergartners for their kindergarten graduation day. The pamphlet has a barnyard theme, has pictures of animals, and everyday items from life on the farm. The school plans on using them yearly, and I am glad that I have helped

someone, and am able to make people smile when they see my illustrations.”)

The content within each body paragraph uses a variety of details that explain the paragraph’s main idea.

(“To begin with, maintaining good grades has always been one of my top priorities. I am and have been a focused student throughout my life. I do my school work, study hard, and do whatever I can to get ahead. I have never been off of middle school or high school honor roll, and plan on keeping it that way. I try to accomplish everything I can in school, and benefit from what I am learning in every way possible. I am a hard worker in school, and use my time wisely. I would say that most of my teachers would not consider me a slacker. If I ever have trouble with a subject, or need help on something, I always ask for extra advice. This includes staying after class with the teacher, so I can understand what is being asked of me. I know that keeping good grades will help me in college so I can maintain the goals I have now and apply them in the future. The study and work habits I have will also carry on, and help to make me a great student.”)

Organization

Very effective organization is demonstrated within this essay. The writer demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, effective use of paragraphing, and effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The essay very effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“In high schools today, students are offered a variety of classes, activities, clubs, and opportunities to succeed. Some students, though, do not take these opportunities. The skills they can learn in their classes and extracurricular activities can help them a great deal in college. Unlike some students who do not take advantage of what school has to offer, I have taken advantage of everything my middle and high school has given me to succeed. Throughout my life I have been focused on what I want to do with my future. I have prepared myself for college, and have been wanting to have a higher education as early as I can remember. I know for a fact, that I would make an excellent student in your college, and that I am ready to face whatever it is willing to offer me.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“Just as importantly, participating in extra curricular activities at school has taught me quite a bit through the years.”)

The conclusion summarizes the main points of the essay very effectively. (“To sum it up, I am a dedicated student, and I know I would make an excellent addition to your school’s student body. I know what I want out of my future, and have done everything humanly possible to try and achieve it. In the past I have been a good student, something that all colleges look for, and have been involved in a variety of extracurricular activities. I believe that I have prepared myself for college, and have done everything outside and inside of school to get ahead. Having a college education is very important to me and my future, and I am willing to do anything to have it.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates very effective use of language and style. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. Well-structured and varied sentences are also used throughout.

The language and tone are consistent, emphasizing the writer’s willingness to express his/her academic interests, extracurricular activities, and life experiences to the college admissions committee. (“In college, I hope that I can help the school by giving time to make life for students easier, by making notices or whatever the school might need. During high school I have also taken classes for writing at CLC where I learned about journalism, and creative writing. I hope to major in illustration or another form of fine art in college, and would like to write and illustrate children s books someday. Taking these classes taught me exactly what I need to do to prepare myself for college and what to expect. I am sure that they will help me in college, and have opened my eyes to all the job possibilities there are. Taking time out of school to study helps me understand the topics I am learning, and has made me stay focused on an education.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure that the reader can thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“To begin with, maintaining good grades has always been one of my top priorities. I am and have been a focused student throughout my life. I do my school work, study hard, and do whatever I can to get ahead. I have never been off of middle school or high school honor roll, and plan on keeping it that way. I try to

accomplish everything I can in school, and benefit from what I am learning in every way possible. … Although FCCLA was a fun club to be a part of, my favorite has always been Art Club. Art has always been my passion, and it is why I want to go to art school. In the club, I had the chance to add a piece of me to the school, and did so by designing and painting a mural (with a little help from friends) in the girl s sport locker room. It took us six months to finish the mural, but I stuck through it, and was always excited to see the final results. Being in Art Club also gave me a chance to work extra time on my school art projects, and enter in school art competitions. Sophomore year I won the ornament decorating contest, and Junior year I entered a sketch for a Battle of the Bands T-shirt. I plan on joining clubs and possibly a sport in college because I know they have helped me in the past and will continue to help me. Being involved in extra curricular activities in school has helped me out more than I can express but I have also spent time out of school preparing for my future.”)

Some compound sentences are used effectively. (“I have been in FCCLA (Family Career and Community Leaders of America) for a year, and in the club we have made cards for elderly patients at special care

facilities, painted on windows for school parades, and made cookies on holidays for school faculty members.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Very effective control of conventions and mechanics is seen in this essay, with very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling.

For example:

Each sentence has a subject and a verb. (“I put my heart into every piece of artwork I create, and others are beginning to see it as well.”)

Each sentence ends with a punctuation mark. (“Having a college education is very important to me and my future, and I am willing to do anything to have it.”)

Each sentence starts with a capital letter. (“In college, I hope that I can help the school by giving time to make life for students easier, by making notices or whatever the school might need.”)

Model Essay

Dear Madam or Sirs,

My name is Ashley, and I know I will be a great candidate for your university. Although my GPA does not show that I am a hard working student, I am willing to prove in any way possible that I am in fact hard working. I am not a person who would slack off at college and be there just to be there. I can prove however, that I do work hard in one thing, and that is the sports I have been involved with this year. Also, adding me to your university would prove everything colleges advertise, which is that it will certainly turn me around.

Looking at my GPA might have someone from admissions somewhat concerned about my acceptance. I assure you, that even though I faced mental and emotional challenges throughout high school that I may of let hold me back, I cannot wait to prove to people that I, and anyone else, can make a complete turn around. In my last two years of high school, I have realized that I will never be someone to pay attention in class without doing any homework, and get an A on the test and in the class. Realizing this, I have learned to buckle down and slowly but surely improve on my work ethics. I now know what a big effect high school has had on my life, and how much effects my future. Freshman and Sophomore year I did not realize this, which is one reason why I did not prove to have good work habits. Going to college is a privilege that hard working people who are going to make something out of themselves deserve. I know that I want to make some sort of impact on this world, and figuring that out later in life than never is good enough for me.

These reasons to me are why I know that if I am just given the chance to prove myself, I will succeed in anything.

I am most proud of myself for being in the sport I love for seven years. I know I have worked as hard as I possibly could to prove that I deserve to be where I am now. Where I am now is on the varsity competitive cheerleading team in my high school. I have worked hard since I was little, and I truly found a passion in the sport that I am in. Being on the team I am now, I've grown and learned a plethora of life skills. I have improved my optimism by 100 percent. I know that believing you can do something is half the reason you are able to do it. Cheerleading was not the only sport I participated in; I also did tennis for one year. I was a first year tennis player, not even knowing the rules of the game. The biggest thing I took out of that year was knowing, you can't succeed in something you don't even try. These lessons I have learned will take me

far into the future. Optimism and pushing myself to even attempt something I may be afraid to do is a gift not many people can say they have.

I believe everyone should be given at least one chance to prove that they have the will and the drive to get something done. For me, all I need is one chance to prove to people that is it never too late to pursue your dreams. I understand that credits and test scores do not make up your whole admission. I understand that

there are a lot of others with higher GPA’s that one may think are more deserving to get into your university. If this is true, I will continue proving myself to not only your university, but to people just like me, and even people with less work ethic. I will go to community college, do volunteer work, and prove to you and your school that I am just as deserving to prove that I can make your school look good than anyone out there. College is all about given the chance to grow and make something out of yourself; this is why I am now counting on those quotes, and commercials on giving me the same change.

As you and your university now can see, I have explained many reason why I would be a perfect candidate for your school. I have the drive that most people cannot find in themselves to succeed and do something great for the world. I have determination and detection to keep pushing through. I do not know everything, and I continue to learn; these lessons I take in as they come and use them to my benefit. I will, no matter what life throws me, prove to myself and others that it is never too late to start or pursue a dream. I will continue to push the importance of having faith in people, and giving them a chance to make their lives, and those around them more positive. Thank you for your time, it was greatly appreciated.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates good focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea, demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes most parts of the task.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by using an engaging statement in the beginning of the introduction. (“My name is Ashley, and I know I will be a great candidate for your university. Although my GPA does not show that I am a hard working student, I am willing to prove in any way possible that I am in fact hard working. I am not a person who would slack off at college and be there just to be there. I can prove however, that I do work hard in one thing, and that is the sports I have been involved with this year. Also, adding me to your university would prove everything colleges advertise, which is that it will certainly turn me around.”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about the writer’s academics, extracurricular activities (particularly sports), life experiences, and the difficulties she has dealt with, which she proves to overcome. (“My name is Ashley, and I know I will be a great candidate for your university. Although my GPA does not show that I am a hard working student, I am willing to prove in any way possible that I am in fact hard working. I am not a person who would slack off at college and be there just to be there. I can prove however, that I do work hard in one thing, and that is the sports I have been involved with this year. Also, adding me to your university would prove everything colleges advertise, which is that it will certainly turn me around. …Looking at my GPA might have someone from admissions somewhat concerned about my acceptance. I assure you, that even though I faced mental and emotional challenges throughout high school that I may of let hold me back, I cannot wait to prove to people that I, and anyone else, can make a

complete turn around.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central idea. (“I am most proud of myself for being in the sport I love for seven years. I know I have worked as hard as I possibly could to prove that I deserve to be where I am now. Where I am now is on the varsity competitive cheerleading team in my high school. I have worked hard since I was little, and I truly found a passion in the sport that I am in. Being on the team I am now, I've grown and learned a plethora of life skills. I have improved my optimism by 100 percent. I know that believing you can do something is half the reason you are able to do it. Cheerleading was not the only sport I participated in; I also did tennis for one year. I was a first year tennis player, not even knowing

the rules of the game. The biggest thing I took out of that year was knowing, you can't succeed in something you don't even try. These lessons I have learned will take me far into the future. Optimism and pushing myself to even attempt something I may be afraid to do is a gift not many people can say they

have. … I believe everyone should be given at least one chance to prove that they have the will and the drive to get something done. For me, all I need is one chance to prove to people that is it never too late to pursue your dreams.”)

Content & Development

Good content and development are seen in this essay. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient, appropriate details to support ideas.

The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain the paragraph’s main idea. (“I believe everyone should be given at least one chance to prove that they have the will and the drive to get something done. For me, all I need is one chance to prove to people that is it never too late to pursue your dreams. I understand that credits and test scores do not make up your whole admission. I understand that there are a lot of others with higher GPA's that one may think are more deserving to get into your university. If this is true, I will continue proving myself to not only your university, but to people just like me, and even people with less work ethic. I will go to community college, do volunteer work, and prove to you and your school that I am just as deserving to prove that I can make your school look good than anyone out there. College is all about given the chance to grow and make something out of yourself; this is why I am now counting on those quotes, and commercials on giving me the same change.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“I am most proud of myself for being in the sport I love for seven years. I know I have worked as hard as I possibly could to prove that I deserve to be where I am now. Where I am now is on the varsity competitive cheerleading team in my high school. I have worked hard since I was little, and I truly found a passion in the sport that I am in. Being on the team I am now, I've grown and learned a plethora of life skills. I have improved my optimism by 100 percent. I know that believing you can do something is half the reason you are able to do it.”)

Specific information about the writer’s life and academic experiences is clearly developed. (“Looking at my GPA might have someone from admissions somewhat concerned about my acceptance. I assure you, that even though I faced mental and emotional challenges throughout high school that I may of let hold me back, I cannot wait to prove to people that I, and anyone else, can make a complete turn around. In my last two years of high school, I have realized that I will never be someone to pay attention in class without doing any homework, and get an A on the test and in the class. Realizing this, I have learned to buckle down and slowly but surely improve on my work ethics. I now know what a big effect high school has had on my life, and how much effects my future. Freshman and Sophomore year I did not realize this, which is one reason why I did not prove to have good work habits. Going to college is a privilege that hard working people who are going to make something out of themselves deserve.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates good organization. There is a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and consistent use of transitional devices.

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including an unusual fact. (“My name is Ashley, and I know I will be a great candidate for your university. Although my GPA does not show that I am a hard working student, I am willing to prove in any way possible that I am in fact hard working. I am not a person who would slack off at college and be there just to be there. I can prove however, that I do work hard in one thing, and that is the sports I have been involved with this year. Also, adding me to your university would prove everything colleges advertise, which is that it will certainly turn me around.”)

Transitions are used well between paragraphs or between sentences. (“As you and your university now can see, I have explained many reason why I would be a perfect candidate for your school.”)

The introduction and the conclusion are connected through the idea of the writer’s determination and

perseverance. (“As you and your university now can see, I have explained many reason why I would be a perfect candidate for your school. I have the drive that most people cannot find in themselves to succeed and do something great for the world. I have determination and detection to keep pushing through. I do not know everything, and I continue to learn; these lessons I take in as they come and use them to my benefit. I will, no matter what life throws me, prove to myself and others that it is never too late to start or pursue a dream. I will continue to push the importance of having faith in people, and giving them a chance to make their lives, and those around them more positive. Thank you for your time, it was greatly appreciated.”)

Language Use & Style

Good language use and style are seen throughout this essay. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; lastly, the writer uses well- structured sentences with some variety.

The language and tone are consistent and emphasize the writer’s promise of her dedication and willingness to succeed despite past obstacles. (“I believe everyone should be given at least one chance to prove that they have the will and the drive to get something done. For me, all I need is one chance to prove to people that is it never too late to pursue your dreams. I understand that credits and test scores do not make up your whole admission. I understand that there are a lot of others with higher GPA's that one may think are more deserving to get into your university. If this is true, I will continue proving myself to not only your university, but to people just like me, and even people with less work ethic. I will go to community college, do volunteer work, and prove to you and your school that I am just as deserving to prove that I can make your school look good than anyone out there. College is all about given the chance to grow and make something out of yourself; this is why I am now counting on those quotes, and commercials on giving me

the same change.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure that the reader can thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of each paragraph are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“I am most proud of myself for being in the sport I love for seven years. I know I have worked as hard as I

possibly could to prove that I deserve to be where I am now. Where I am now is on the varsity competitive cheerleading team in my high school. I have worked hard since I was little, and I truly found a passion in the sport that I am in. Being on the team I am now, I've grown and learned a plethora of life skills. I have improved my optimism by 100 percent. I know that believing you can do something is half the reason you are able to do it. …Optimism and pushing myself to even attempt something I may be afraid to do is a gift not many people can say they have.”)

This complex sentence, “Being on the team I am now, I've grown and learned a plethora of life skills,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of conventions and mechanics is demonstrated in this essay. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message.

For example:

Most sentences have a subject and a verb. (“Realizing this, I have learned to buckle down and slowly but surely improve on my work ethics.”)

Most sentences end with a punctuation mark. (“I am not a person who would slack off at college and be there just to be there.”)

Most sentences start with a capital letter. (“My name is Ashley, and I know I will be a great candidate for your university.”)

Model Essay

I am Christopher an aspiring student attempting to become a part of your university. I am an outgoing student who wishes to further extend his learning’s by attending your university. I feel I will not only

expand my education but I do feel that I will contribute to the university by bringing diversity and nothing but positive energy. I would like to become someone in life and I believe that your university will help me out in my journey to become prosperous in life.

Throughout life I have attended many schools, and through my leanings I feel I have acquired a lot of useful information that will help guide through the many paths of life. Although I have not always been academically brilliant I do put my hardest when it comes down to my academics. I may not always be focused but wen it comes down to the time I will succeed in whatever it may be always putting school before anything else because without education I will be no one in life. I feel that your university will indeed help me further my education and provide for me a good learning environment and I myself will contribute to the university by providing nothing but my best in my education which will not only benefit myself but also the college community.

I have done many extracurricular activities all of em which are sports, I have played many different sports and I enjoy playing them very much. In my high school years I played basketball three of the four years I was there and I love playing basketball and I would love to contribute to the universities' basketball team in helping them bring a championship. I have also done other acivites such as journalism in my middle school years which I enjoyed very much. I would love to be a reporter one day for any type of local or nation wide paper because I enjoy doing journalism. I would love to apply myself to both these activities at the university contributing all my efforts to both and as well as making it a fun experience for me.

My life experiences have taught me many valuable lessons through life that I could apply to my life for years to come. Having grown up with only my mother has been hard but has taught me many lessons. Growing up with my mother has taught me to care for her in so many ways and I only wish to make her happy and become someone in life. She has taught me everything I need to know and has worked hard to make me happy and to make sure I have what I need. It has not been an easy ride for me but I still would not trade it for the world and I would love to give my mom the world at the end of it all fulfilling her dream of becoming a professional someday. None of these experiences I have learned throughout life will only help me but will keep me going on in life and accomplishing my goals one day.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Adequate focus and meaning are seen within this essay. The writer establishes a controlling idea, demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes many parts of the task.

The thesis statement states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately by expressing the writer’s intention of why he wishes to attend this specific university. (“I feel I will not only expand my education but I do feel that I will contribute to the university by bringing diversity and nothing but positive energy. I would like to become someone in life and I believe that your university will help me out in my journey to become prosperous in life.”)

The essay understands the intended audience adequately. (“I am Christopher an aspiring student attempting to become a part of your university. I am an outgoing student who wishes to further extend his learning’s by attending your university. I feel I will not only expand my education but I do feel that I will contribute to the university by bringing diversity and nothing but positive energy. I would like to become someone in life and I believe that your university will help me out in my journey to become prosperous in life.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“Throughout life I have attended many schools, and through my leanings I feel I have acquired a lot of useful information that will help guide through the many paths of life. Although I have not always been academically brilliant I do put my hardest when it comes down to my academics.”)

Content & Development

This essay features adequate content and development. Ideas are developed adequately, using sufficient details to support ideas.

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“I have done many extracurricular activities all of em which are sports, I have played many different sports and I enjoy playing them very much. In my high school years I played basketball three of the four years I was there and I love playing basketball and I would love to contribute to the universities' basketball team in helping them bring a championship.”)

The main ideas of each body paragraph support the thesis. (“Throughout life I have attended many schools, and through my leanings I feel I have acquired a lot of useful information that will help guide through the many paths of life. Although I have not always been academically brilliant I do put my hardest when it comes down to my academics. I may not always be focused but wen it comes down to the time I will succeed in whatever it may be always putting school before anything else because without education I will be no one in life.”) (“I feel I will not only expand my education but I do feel that I will contribute to the university by bringing diversity and nothing but positive energy. I would like to become someone in life and I believe that your university will help me out in my journey to become prosperous in life.”)

The essay includes facts and statistics, examples, brief narratives, or explanations about each of the main ideas. (“My life experiences have taught me many valuable lessons through life that I could apply to my life for years to come. Having grown up with only my mother has been hard but has taught me many lessons. Growing up with my mother has taught me to care for her in so many ways and I only wish to

make her happy and become someone in life. She has taught me everything I need to know and has worked hard to make me happy and to make sure I have what I need.”)

Organization

The organization seen in this essay is adequate. The essay demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, inconsistent use of paragraphing, and inconsistent use of transitional devices.

The introduction includes adequate background information about the topic. (“I am Christopher an aspiring student attempting to become a part of your university. I am an outgoing student who wishes to further

extend his learning’s by attending your university. I feel I will not only expand my education but I do feel that I will contribute to the university by bringing diversity and nothing but positive energy. I would like to become someone in life and I believe that your university will help me out in my journey to become prosperous in life.”)

The conclusion adequately teaches the readers a lesson that the writer learned after completing the essay. (“My life experiences have taught me many valuable lessons through life that I could apply to my life for years to come. Having grown up with only my mother has been hard but has taught me many lessons.

Growing up with my mother has taught me to care for her in so many ways and I only wish to make her happy and become someone in life. She has taught me everything I need to know and has worked hard to make me happy and to make sure I have what I need. It has not been an easy ride for me but I still would not trade it for the world and I would love to give my mom the world at the end of it all fulfilling her dream of becoming a professional someday. None of these experiences I have learned throughout life will only help me but will keep me going on in life and accomplishing my goals one day.”)

The introduction and the conclusion are connected through the writer’s idea of fulfilling his goals and becoming successful in life. (“I would like to become someone in life and I believe that your university

will help me out in my journey to become prosperous in life. … It has not been an easy ride for me but I still would not trade it for the world and I would love to give my mom the world at the end of it all fulfilling her dream of becoming a professional someday. None of these experiences I have learned

throughout life will only help me but will keep me going on in life and accomplishing my goals one day.”)

Language Use & Style

Adequate use of language and style is seen in this essay. The writer demonstrates appropriate (yet occasionally poor) language and word choice, an awareness of audience and control of voice, and generally correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“I have also done other acivites such as journalism in my middle school years which I enjoyed very much. I would love to be a reporter one day for any type of local or nation wide paper because I enjoy doing journalism. I would love to apply myself to both these activities at the university contributing all my efforts to both and as well as making it a fun experience for me.”)

Exact and specific words and phrases from the prompt task are adequately used. (“I feel I will not only expand my education but I do feel that I will contribute to the university by bringing diversity and nothing but positive energy. … I feel that your university will indeed help me further my education and provide for me a good learning environment and I myself will contribute to the university by providing nothing but my best in my education which will not only benefit myself but also the college community. … My life experiences have taught me many valuable lessons through life that I could apply to my life for years to

come.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor. (“Throughout life I have attended many schools, and through my leanings I feel I have acquired a lot of useful information that will help guide through the many paths of life. Although I have not always been academically brilliant I do put my hardest when it comes down to my academics.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Adequate control of conventions and mechanics is demonstrated within this essay. Some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are seen, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

For example:

Many sentences have a subject and a verb. (“I would love to be a reporter one day for any type of local or nation wide paper because I enjoy doing journalism.”)

Many sentences start with a capital letter. (“My life experiences have taught me many valuable lessons through life that I could apply to my life for years to come.”)

There are some misspelled words and punctuation errors seen throughout the essay. (“I may not always be focused but wen it comes down to the time I will succeed in whatever it may be always putting school

before anything else because without education I will be no one in life.”)

Model Essay

My name is Riley I am currently enrolled in High School.I will be graduating in the year 2010 and I am interested in pursuing further education at a university. I could be a good addition to this already greatly

acclaimed university. I would indeed be greatly honored if you would except me to this wonderful institution it has always been a dream of mine to go to the college whos football team I have cheered for all my life I can not express to you how much it would mean to me if I were to be accepted.

Many of my talents include Track and Field, Cross Country and any other outdoor fitness sport like hikeing, bikeing, climbling and repelling. Although I am not currently enrolled in any AP classes but I do maintain a "B" average in every subject. I am a big people person I am always up for making new friends in every type of social clique and as far as I know I get along with all of my freinds and teachers, I would have no problem obtaining a letter of recommendation from any of them. My current attendance is very good I haven’t missed a day this term and only three last term do to an illness. My attendance record has been very good si

I hope that in the year 2010 I will be attending your fine school so that I may be able to bring my knowledge and talents and apply them to this great institution. In the naborhood that I live in a university is like a second religion to us kids and parents alike. I can not tell you how much it would mean to my family and all of our freinds if you were to find it in your heart to award me a scholarship I will not let any of you down if you would grant me this honor it would be of great appreciation to me and every one around me. I just want to thank you for taking the time to read my letter and I hope that when I apply to this great university that I will me accepted. Thank You

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates limited focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea, but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience and completes only some parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“Many of my talents include Track and Field, Cross Country and any other outdoor fitness sport like hikeing, bikeing, climbling and repelling. Although I am not currently enrolled in any AP classes but I do maintain a "B" average in every subject. I am a big people person I am always up for making new friends in every type of social clique and as far as I know I get along with all of my freinds and teachers, I would have no problem obtaining a letter of recommendation from any of them.

My current attendance is very good I haven't missed a day this term and only three last term do to an illness.”)

The essay states a limited controlling idea of the essay. (“I would indeed be greatly honored if you would except me to this wonderful institution it has always been a dream of mine to go to the college whos football team I have cheered for all my life I can not express to you how much it would mean to me if I were to be accepted.”)

The writing style is not always appropriate for the audience. (“I can not tell you how much it would mean to my family and all of our freinds if you were to find it in your heart to award me a scholarship I will not let any of you down if you would grant me this honor it would be of great appreciation to me and every one around me.”)

Content & Development

Limited content and development are seen within this essay. Ideas are developed briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support ideas.

The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“I hope that in the year 2010 I will be attending your fine school so that I may be able to bring my knowledge and talents and apply them to this great institution. In the naborhood that I live in a university is like a second religion to us kids and parents alike. I can not tell you how much it would mean to my family and all of our freinds if you were to find it in your heart to award me a scholarship I will not let any of you down if you would grant me this honor it would be of great appreciation to me and every one around me.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. (“Many of my talents include Track and Field, Cross Country and any other outdoor fitness sport like hikeing, bikeing, climbling and

repelling.”) (“I would indeed be greatly honored if you would except me to this wonderful institution it has always been a dream of mine to go to the college whos football team I have cheered for all my life I can not express to you how much it would mean to me if I were to be accepted.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“Many of my talents include Track and Field, Cross Country and any other outdoor fitness sport like hikeing, bikeing, climbling and repelling. Although I am not currently enrolled in any AP classes but I do maintain a "B" average in every subject. I am a big people person I am always up for making new friends in every type of social clique and as far as I know I get along with all of my freinds and teachers, I would have no problem obtaining a letter of recommendation from any of them. My current attendance is very good I haven’t

missed a day this term and only three last term do to an illness.”)

Organization

Limited organization is seen within this essay. The writer demonstrates only some evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion and a lack of some transitional devices.

The introduction attempts to include a sentence(s) that explains what the essay is about. (“My name is Riley I am currently enrolled in High School.I will be graduating in the year 2010 and I am interested in pursuing further education at a university. I could be a good addition to this already greatly acclaimed university.”)

The one body paragraph contains many scattered thoughts and ideas. (“Many of my talents include Track and Field, Cross Country and any other outdoor fitness sport like hikeing, bikeing, climbling and repelling. Although I am not currently enrolled in any AP classes but I do maintain a "B" average in every subject. I am a big people person I am always up for making new friends in every type of social clique and as far as I know I get along with all of my freinds and teachers, I would have no problem obtaining a letter of recommendation from any of them. My current attendance is very good I haven't missed a day this term

and only three last term do to an illness. My attendance record has been very good si.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are needed. (“I would indeed be greatly honored if you would except me to this wonderful institution it has always been a dream of mine to go to the college whos football team I have cheered for all my life I can not express to you how much it would mean to me if I were to be accepted. …Many of my talents include Track and Field, Cross Country and any other outdoor fitness sport like hikeing, bikeing, climbling and repelling. Although I am not currently enrolled in any AP classes but I do maintain a "B" average in every subject. I am a big people person I am always up for making new friends in every type of social clique and as far as I know I get along with all of my freinds and teachers, I would have no problem obtaining a letter of recommendation from any of them.”)

The conclusion attempts to summarize the main points of the essay. (“I hope that in the year 2010 I will be attending your fine school so that I may be able to bring my knowledge and talents and apply them to this great institution. In the naborhood that I live in a university is like a second religion to us kids and parents alike. I can not tell you how much it would mean to my family and all of our freinds if you were to find it in your heart to award me a scholarship I will not let any of you down if you would grant me this honor it would be of great appreciation to me and every one around me. I just want to thank you for taking the time to read my letter and I hope that when I apply to this great university that I will me accepted. Thank You.”)

Language Use & Style

Limited use of language and style is seen in this essay, which demonstrates simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“I would indeed be greatly honored if you would except me to this wonderful institution it has always been a dream of mine to go to the college whos football team I have

cheered for all my life I can not express to you how much it would mean to me if I were to be accepted.”)

There is repetition in the conclusion of the essay. (“I hope that in the year 2010 I will be attending your fine school so that I may be able to bring my knowledge and talents and apply them to this great institution. In the naborhood that I live in a university is like a second religion to us kids and parents alike. I can not tell you how much it would mean to my family and all of our freinds if you were to find it in your heart to award me a scholarship I will not let any of you down if you would grant me this honor it would be of great appreciation to me and every one around me. I just want to thank you for taking the time to read my letter

and I hope that when I apply to this great university that I will me accepted. Thank You.”)

Some sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“I would indeed be greatly honored if you would except me to this wonderful institution it has

always been a dream of mine to go to the college whos football team I have cheered for all my life I can not express to you how much it would mean to me if I were to be accepted.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates limited control of conventions and mechanics. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer of this essay should:

Spell words correctly. (“Many of my talents include Track and Field, Cross Country and any other outdoor fitness sport like hikeing, bikeing, climbling and repelling.”)

Use correct punctuation, including commas, colons, semicolons, periods, and apostrophes. (“I can not tell you how much it would mean to my family and all of our freinds if you were to find it in your heart to award me a scholarship I will not let any of you down if you would grant me this honor it would be of great appreciation to me and every one around me.”)

End each sentence with a punctuation mark. (“I just want to thank you for taking the time to read my letter and I hope that when I apply to this great university that I will me accepted. Thank You.”)

Model Essay

My name is Eder Adunas I'm 17 year’s old. I'm riting to you because I’m interested in going to your college because I’ve heard it is one of the best in the whole nation. I have also heard that you have one of the best education programes in the U.S. I hear a lot of great things about your school that your student body is very friendly and that you have a great football and basketball program. I would love to go to your college after I graduate from my high school.

I have three academic interest physical education, history, and English. My favorite out of the three is physical education. Physical education is my favorit because I love to stay in great shape, love to play sport’s, and I like just doing physical activities’. I have always enjoy going to gym class and my physical best class that I'm taking right now. History is my

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Minimal focus and meaning are demonstrated within this essay. A controlling idea is suggested, but the essay demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and completes few parts of the task.

The essay does not state the controlling idea of the essay. (“My name is Eder Adunas I'm 17 year’s old. I'm riting to you because I’m interested in going to your college because I’ve heard it is one of the best in the whole nation. I have also heard that you have one of the best education programes in the U.S. I hear a lot of great things about your school that your student body is very friendly and that you have a great football and basketball program. I would love to go to your college after I graduate from my high school.”)

In the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is not stated. (“My name is Eder Adunas I'm 17 year’s old. I’m riting to you because I’m interested in going to your college because I’ve heard it is one of the best in the whole nation. I have also heard that you have one of the best education programes in the

U.S. I hear a lot of great things about your school that your student body is very friendly and that you have a great football and basketball program. I would love to go to your college after I graduate from my high school.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“I have three academic interest physical education, history, and English. My favorite out of the three is physical education. Physical education is my favorit because I love to stay in

great shape, love to play sport’s, and I like just doing physical activities’. I have always enjoy going to gym class and my physical best class that I'm taking right now. History is my”.)

Content & Development

Throughout this essay, there is minimal content and development. Ideas are developed incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support ideas.

The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“My name is Eder Adunas I'm 17 year’s old. I’m riting to you because I'm interested in going to your college because I’ve heard it is one of the best in the whole nation. I have also heard that you have one of the best education programes in the U.S. I hear a lot of great things about your school that your student body is very friendly and that you have a great football and basketball program. I would love to go to your college after I graduate from my high school.

…I have three academic interest physical education, history, and English. My favorite out of the three is physical education. Physical education is my favorit because I love to stay in great shape, love to play sport’s, and I like just doing physical activities’. I have always enjoy going to gym class and my physical best class that I’m taking right now. History is my”.)

Details are used minimally to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“I have three academic interest physical education, history, and English. My favorite out of the three is physical education. Physical education is my favorit because I love to stay in great shape, love to play sport’s, and I like just doing physical activities’. I have always enjoy going to gym class and my physical best class that I'm taking right now. History is my”.)

Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“I have three academic interest physical education, history, and English. My favorite out of the three is physical education. Physical education is my favorit because I love to stay in great shape, love to play sport’s, and I like just doing physical activities’. I have always enjoy going to gym class and my physical best class that I'm taking right now. History is my”.)

Organization

Minimal organization is seen throughout this essay. It demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and no conclusion; in addition, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The first sentence of the introduction does little to include a question, a quotation, or an interesting fact or statistic. (“My name is Eder Adunas I'm 17 year’s old. I'm riting to you because I’m interested in going to your college because I’ve heard it is one of the best in the whole nation. I have also heard that you have one of the best education programes in the U.S. I hear a lot of great things about your school that your student body is very friendly and that you have a great football and basketball program. I would love to go to your college after I graduate from my high school.”)

The introduction does little to include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. The writer simply writes about why he/she wishes to attend this college without ever writing providing much personal insight. (“My name is Eder Adunas I’m 17 year’s old. I'm riting to you because I’m interested in going to your college because I've heard it is one of the best in the whole nation. I have also heard that you have one of the best education programes in the U.S. I hear a lot of great things about your school that your student body is very friendly and that you have a great football and basketball program. I would love to go to your college after I graduate from my high school.”)

There is little evidence of transitional devices to help connect ideas. (“I have three academic interest physical education, history, and English. My favorite out of the three is physical education. Physical education is my favorit because I love to stay in great shape, love to play sport’s, and I like just doing

physical activities’. I have always enjoy going to gym class and my physical best class that I'm taking right now. History is my”.)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in this essay is minimal. The essay demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience; furthermore, the essay includes basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“My name is Eder Adunas I'm 17 year’s old. I'm riting to you because I’m interested in going to your college because I’ve heard it is one of the best in the whole nation.”)

The essay uses the same word (“I”) to begin the the sentences in the introduction. (“My name is Eder Adunas I'm 17 year’s old. I’m riting to you because I’m interested in going to your college because I’ve heard it is one of the best in the whole nation. I have also heard that you have one of the best education programes in the U.S. I hear a lot of great things about your school that your student body is very friendly and that you have a great football and basketball program. I would love to go to your college after I

graduate from my high school.”)

There is repetition in the first, and only, body paragraph. (“I have three academic interest physical education, history, and English. My favorite out of the three is physical education. Physical education is my favorit because I love to stay in great shape, love to play sport’s, and I like just doing physical activities’. I have always enjoy going to gym class and my physical best class that I'm taking right now.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is minimal control of conventions and mechanics within this essay. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer of this essay does not:

Spell all words correctly. (“I’m riting to you because I’m interested in going to your college because I’ve heard it is one of the best in the whole nation. I have also heard that you have one of the best education programes in the U.S. I hear a lot of great things about your school that your student body is very friendly and that you have a great football and basketball program.”)

Make sure each sentence is a complete sentence and not a fragment. (“History is my”.)

Use correct punctuation and parallel structure throughout the essay. (“Physical education is my favorit because I love to stay in great shape, love to play sport’s, and I like just doing physical activities’.”)

Model Essay

Well im academic and have an interest in creating stuff such as making a new game or how to make the game better.Thats why im going to make sure i pass all of my classes for i would get exepted in itt tech so i need to stop do as much work as possible and get along with all of my teachers.Because i want to not be like other people i actually have a dream that i want it to be reality.And i want to make to make games if they dont except me my heart will be broken.So anyway thats what i will do.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus of this essay is inadequate. The essay fails to establish a controlling idea or demonstrate an understanding of purpose and audience. No parts of the task are completed.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“Well im academic and have an interest in creating stuff such as making a new game or how to make the game better.Thats why im going to make sure i pass all of my classes for i would get exepted in itt tech so i need to stop do as much work as possible and get along with all of my teachers.Because i want to not be like other people i actually have a dream that i want it to be reality.And i want to make to make games if they dont except me my heart will be broken.So anyway thats what i will do.”)

The essay does not state the central idea of the essay. (“Well im academic and have an interest in creating stuff such as making a new game or how to make the game better.Thats why im going to make sure i pass all of my classes for i would get exepted in itt tech so i need to stop do as much work as possible and get along with all of my teachers.Because i want to not be like other people i actually have a dream that i want it to be reality.And i want to make to make games if they dont except me my heart will be broken.So

anyway thats what i will do.”)

In the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is not stated. (“Well im academic and have an interest in creating stuff such as making a new game or how to make the game better.Thats why im going to make sure i pass all of my classes for i would get exepted in itt tech so i need to stop do as much work as possible and get along with all of my teachers.Because i want to not be like other people i actually have a dream that i want it to be reality.And i want to make to make games if they dont except me my heart will be broken.So anyway thats what i will do.”)

Content & Development

The content and development within this essay is inadequate. The essay fails to develop ideas by using inadequate details for support.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central idea of the essay. (“Well im academic and have an interest in creating stuff such as making a new game or how to make the game better.Thats why im going to make sure i pass all of my classes for i would get exepted in itt tech so i need to stop do as much work as possible and get along with all of my teachers.Because i want to not be like other people i actually have a

dream that i want it to be reality.And i want to make to make games if they dont except me my heart will be broken.So anyway thats what i will do.”)

At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. (“Well im academic and have an interest in creating stuff such as making a new game or how to make the game better.Thats why im going to make sure i pass all of my classes for i would get exepted in itt tech so i need to stop do as much work as possible and get along with all of my teachers.Because i want to not be like other people i actually have a dream that i want it to be reality.And i want to make to make games if they dont except me my heart will be broken.So

anyway thats what i will do.”)

Details are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Well im academic and have an interest in creating stuff such as making a new game or how to make the game better.Thats why im going to make sure i pass all of my classes for i would get exepted in itt tech so i need to stop do as much work as possible and get along with all of my teachers.Because i want to not be like other people i actually have a dream that i want it to be reality.And i want to make to make games if they dont except me my heart will be broken.So anyway thats what i will do.”)

Organization

The organization seen in this essay is inadequate. The essay demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no separate introduction or conclusion and no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“Well im academic and have an interest in creating stuff such as making a new game or how to make the game better.Thats why im going to make sure i pass all of my classes for i would get exepted in itt tech so i need to stop do as much work as possible and get along with all of my teachers.Because i want to not be like other people i actually have a dream that i want it to be reality.And i want to make to make games if they dont except me my heart will be broken.So anyway thats what i will do.”)

Using transitional devices (for example, first, second, third, next, in addition, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. (“Well im academic and

have an interest in creating stuff such as making a new game or how to make the game better.Thats why im going to make sure i pass all of my classes for i would get exepted in itt tech so i need to stop do as much work as possible and get along with all of my teachers.”)

The essay does not include a conclusion and does not leave readers with something to think about. (“Well im academic and have an interest in creating stuff such as making a new game or how to make the game better.Thats why im going to make sure i pass all of my classes for i would get exepted in itt tech so i need to stop do as much work as possible and get along with all of my teachers.Because i want to not be like other people i actually have a dream that i want it to be reality.And i want to make to make games if they dont except me my heart will be broken.So anyway thats what i will do.”)

Language Use & Style

Inadequate language use and style are demonstrated in this essay. Unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage are found in this essay.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“And i want to make to make games if they dont except me my heart will be broken.”)

Word choice and usage in this essay are poor. (“Well im academic and have an interest in creating stuff such as making a new game or how to make the game better.Thats why im going to make sure i pass all of my classes for i would get exepted in itt tech so i need to stop do as much work as possible and get along with all of my teachers.Because i want to not be like other people i actually have a dream that i want it to

be reality.And i want to make to make games if they dont except me my heart will be broken.So anyway thats what i will do.”)

The sentences in the essay are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“Well im academic and have an interest in creating stuff such as making a new game or how to make the game better.Thats why im going to make sure i pass all of my classes for i would get exepted in itt tech so i need to stop do as much work as possible and get along with all of my teachers.Because i want to not be like other people i actually have a dream that i want it to be reality.And i want to make to make games if they dont except me my heart will be broken.So anyway thats what i will do.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is inadequate control of conventions and mechanics in this essay. Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer of this essay does not:

Spell words correctly throughout the essay. (“Thats why im going to make sure i pass all of my classes for i would get exepted in itt tech so i need to stop do as much work as possible and get along with all of my

teachers.”)

Include the correct use of punctuation, such as apostrophes. (“Well im academic and have an interest in creating stuff such as making a new game or how to make the game better.Thats why im going to make sure i pass all of my classes for i would get exepted in itt tech so i need to stop do as much work as possible and get along with all of my teachers.”)

Use capital letters correctly. (“Thats why im going to make sure i pass all of my classes for i would get exepted in itt tech so i need to stop do as much work as possible and get along with all of my teachers.”)

Write a multi-paragraph essay describing the community service you would choose to perform. Be sure to provide specific reasons and examples to support your choice.

Model Essay

In response to conservative questions about a levy of taxes, John F. Kennedy's defense was frank, bifurcated, but wise. His aphorism, "To whom much is given, much is required," is well-deserved advice for both stingy usurers and welfare queens, in addition to having big implications for today's teenagers. According to John Sutherlee, a sociologist from the University of California-Davis, America boasts an incredibly low record for "mandated" community service activities. Likewise, many Americans have even lower levels of tolerance for even the conception of compulsory action, especially one as selfless as working in a soup kitchen. At the same time, our standard of living has peaked. Opponents of mandated community service also fail to recognize the progressive and educational potential of such programs.

Ultimately, there are important lessons to be learned from being forced to do something uncomfortable. A compulsory community service program would help reconstruct both the American psyche and society.

First and foremost, community service is a means by which the haves can reconnect with the have-nots. Due to the fact that being given regular gifts (even in the forms of basic necessities) for eighteen years tends to numb responses of gratitude, many teens are simply unaware of how much others provide for them. Doing humanitarian work in underprivileged neighborhoods raises this type of awareness quite quickly, however. Allocating time to serve the Catholic Urban Programs which delivers emergency food, funds, and provides shelter for people on the periphery of society fosters reflective learning. It only requires one drive down a side street of East St. Louis to realize how fortunate most girls and boys are to be still in school, sleeping in suburbia. That fact, coupled with the corollary success researchers attribute to higher education, demands a helping hand.

Secondly, it is important to note that one of the benefits of service has nothing to do with benevolence, but rather in that youths would not be able to opt out of the program. Again, there would be no choice involved. In a zeitgeist of red ink, and of anti-regulation, anti-government and anti-everything pundits, policies and NRA marches on the National Mall, America is more than ready for some small doses of austerity and coercion. Instead of filing a lawsuit against a compulsory provision for service learning projects, teens might learn to appreciate its benefits by following other sets of rules and reaping their spiritual benefits.

Undertaking volunteer work at St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital as a support services staff member would serve as an exercise in perspective reevaluation, for many healthy young adults, as they assist and providing care for children with life-threatening illnesses such as pediatric cancer. Accepting a harmless mandate, rather than complaining about the fact that it is a mandate, is the first step towards building a more constructive politic.

Some of the louder objectors to compulsory community service contend that the spirit of helping others is lost when it is no longer voluntary. This is true to some degree; however, the potential loss of enthusiasm is more than counterbalanced by the statistics showing that thousands of service projects are not and would not be done without a substantive nudge. These critics forget that friendly intentions are often short lived, as Ayn Rand illustrates through the literary characters Peter Keating and his love Catherine in the novel, “The Fountainhead.” They also miss the notion that many of the most important stages of individual and

social development are often forced upon unwilling actors. Consider such landmarks as the desegregation of the military and the maturity gained through puberty. In the end, service is beneficial to both the served and the server, regardless of latter's cold feet.

Even in a land of plenty, there are millions of Americans lacking in even food and shelter. There are tens of millions more who can learn from engaging in compulsory community service programs, ranging from full- fledged anti-poverty campaigns to cleaning gutters and planting trees. America as a people would also learn something of the necessity for uncomfortable civic engagement. Finally, it is important to realize that much of the humanitarian work described would never be completed without a mandatory program, as evidenced by America's current poverty and pollution rates. It is only appropriate to end with another J. F. Kennedy quote, directed especially towards the privileged youth at hand: "Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country."

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by very effectively using a quotation to begin the introduction. The quotation is integrated fully into text, as the writer uses the former president’s words to emphasize the

relationship between the quoted aphorism and today’s teenaged youth. (“In response to conservative questions about a levy of taxes, John F. Kennedy's defense was frank, bifurcated, but wise. His aphorism, ‘To whom much is given, much is required,’ is well-deserved advice for both stingy usurers and welfare queens, in addition to having big implications for today's teenagers.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. The author deftly addresses community service as a volunteer opportunity for social use and individual self-reflection. (“Undertaking volunteer work at St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital as a support services staff member would serve as an exercise in perspective reevaluation, for many healthy young adults, as they assist and provide care for children with life-threatening illnesses such as pediatric cancer.”)

The straightforward language of the thesis reflects the strength and confidence of the writer’s framework. (“A compulsory community service program would help reconstruct both the American psyche and

society.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details for support.

Relevant points explain and illustrate the need for a community service requirement in high schools in order to graduate. Through sophisticated prose, the writer implies that committing to community service is not only an anomaly, it is also forward-thinking in an ‘all talk and no action’ society. (“In a zeitgeist of red ink, and of anti-regulation, anti-government and anti-everything pundits, policies and NRA marches on the National Mall, America is more than ready for some small doses of austerity and coercion. Instead of filing a lawsuit against a compulsory provision for service learning projects, teens might learn to appreciate its

benefits by following other sets of rules and reaping their spiritual benefits.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. The writer strengthens his/her content by reiterating the dearth of Americans who need and can learn from a variety of community service activities. (“Even in a land of plenty, there are millions of Americans lacking in even food and shelter. There are tens of millions more who can learn from engaging in compulsory community service programs, ranging from full-fledged anti-poverty campaigns to cleaning gutters and planting trees.”)

Specific information about the topic in the essay is developed very effectively. The writer combines salient information about his/her selected service learning objectives with elements of pathos, or emotion, in order to help readers identify with the writer’s point of view. (“Allocating time to serve the Catholic Urban Programs which delivers emergency food, funds, and provides shelter for people on the periphery of society fosters reflective learning. It only requires one drive down a side street of East St. Louis to realize how fortunate most girls and boys are to be still in school, sleeping in suburbia.”)

Organization

The writer effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction by incorporating a quotation from an accredited source. Certainly, the quotation touts and questions America’s community service requirement and serves to present the readers with the social context for the informational essay. (“According to John Sutherlee, a sociologist from the University of California-Davis, America boasts an incredibly low record for ‘mandated’ community service activities. Likewise, many Americans have even lower levels of tolerance for even the conception of compulsory action, especially one as selfless as working in a soup

kitchen. At the same time, our standard of living has peaked.”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect ideas between paragraphs. The writer effectively uses the word hooks “spirit” and “spiritual” to create a sense of flow from one paragraph to another. (“…teens might

learn to appreciate its benefits by following other sets of rules and reaping their spiritual benefits.(…)Some of the louder objectors to compulsory community service contend that the spirit of helping others is lost when it is no longer voluntary.”)

The writer includes an ending that is brief but also provides readers with a sense of closure. The writer’s use of a quotation by a well-known national political figure, John F. Kennedy, serves to emphasize the

author’s thoughts about the individual community service opportunities he/she is willing to undertake. The writer also creates a greater sense of unity and nationalism concerning the community service requirement, which includes all young American citizens. (“…the humanitarian work described would never be completed without a mandatory program, as evidenced by America's current poverty and pollution rates. It is only appropriate to end with another J. F. Kennedy quote, directed especially towards the privileged youth at hand: ‘Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.’”)

Language Use & Style

adds to the effectiveness of the writer’s response.

The writer chooses descriptive words to effectively describe the communal benefits of a service learning project. Furthermore, the author supports this positive tone with his/her use colloquial terminology, such as “the haves” and “have-nots,” to create a sense of conversation with the readers, negating what would be an arrogant or pompous style. (“First and foremost, community service is a means by which the haves can reconnect with the have-nots. Due to the fact that being given regular gifts (even in the forms of basic necessities) for eighteen years tends to numb responses of gratitude, many teens are simply unaware of how much others provide for them.”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. In fact, the writer refutes a negative claim concerning community service obligation, which serves to support the tone of possibility within the essay. (“Opponents of mandated community service also fail to recognize the progressive and educational potential of such programs.”)

The writer demonstrates use of strong voice throughout the response. Certainly, the writer’s individuality and energy is captured within the writing through use of precise language, which helps to manage the

complexity of the topic. (“Accepting a harmless mandate, rather than complaining about the fact that it is a mandate, is the first step towards building a more constructive politic.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and words are spelled correctly. (“That fact, coupled with the corollary success researchers attribute to higher education, demands a helping hand.”)

Model Essay

High schools across the United States have begun to incorporate community service hours into their graduation requirements. Community service comes in many forms, from repairing houses to tutoring younger students. If you were required to complete community service as part of your graduation requirements, what service would you select? This is the question posed to many high school students as they must decide what service they do to meet their requirements. There are numerous services I would consider doing if it was required to complete community service to graduate.

The first community service project I would enjoy doing is helping the homeless in some way. There are a number of different opportunities to aid the homeless varying from working at a soup kitchen to just giving them a couple bucks on the street. Just handing out money to homeless people is not a very effective strategy. A much more effective option is to help out at a soup kitchen. Here, you prepare meals each day. Teams or groups of people also volunteer to serve dinner each evening. By doing this service, you give the homeless people something they need, food, while not giving them the option to choose something else like drugs instead. You can also donate canned food to your local food bank, which helps to support the soup kitchen. Donating clothes and other necessities is also very beneficial as it can clear out some of the old clothes you don't need, while also helping out the homeless.

Coaching younger students as a community service would be another way to serve the municipality. As I am an exceptionally good student (in relation to the other students in my grade), I can help out by tutoring younger students. I have taken all the basic and advanced classes within my district, so there isn't very much I can't help with. Helping out freshman students is especially important, because it is the students first year in high school, and they might need help adjusting to work load. Serving as a tutor can have a pyramid effect as well, because as the younger students get older, they may want to serve in this way as well.

Create a place for older kids to socialize, such as a Boys & Girls Club for teenagers; it would be a highly enjoyable way to serve my community. The Boys & Girls Club for little children provides fun extracurricular activities for youngsters. Creating a similar club could be accommodating if parents are working later than school gets out. An organization like this would also keep teens out of trouble; so I think a teenage version would be a good idea. This club would provide all kinds of fun activities that would give teenagers a safe place to hang out. I would provide tournaments of all kinds of themes including video games, sports, and academic. The teenagers could come and participate in extracurricular activities like art classes, computer programming, and musical programs. We could even have the students give suggestions for classes. That way we make sure to attract as many students as possible.

If my school incorporated community service hours into their graduation requirements, there are various opportunities I act on to meet this requirement. Serving the homeless in productive ways such as aiding in a soup kitchen, or donating food, would be a good way to help. Tutoring younger students is another great

way I could meet this requirement, because it would help them in the long run. Creating a teenaged Boys & Girls Club would also be another excellent option as it would hopefully decrease the amount of teenage drinking and such. There are numerous other opportunities to help in my community as well.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction by using a generalized statement that applies to many students and academic institutions. (“High schools across the United States have begun to

incorporate community service hours into their graduation requirements.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. The author uses the persuasive

technique of logic to authenticate the essay’s premise, projecting a positive conclusion concerning his/her community service activities to bolster his/her reasoning for participating in such activities. (“Helping out freshman students is especially important, because it is the students first year in high school, and they might need help adjusting to work load. Serving as a tutor can have a pyramid effect as well, because as the younger students get older, they may want to serve in this way as well.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very well. (“There are numerous services I would consider doing if it was required to complete community service to graduate”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient appropriate details for support.

The content in the body of the paragraphs uses a variety of details, which build on one another to create a unified whole. (“An organization like this would also keep teens out of trouble; so I think a teenage version would be a good idea. This club would provide all kinds of fun activities that would give teenagers a safe place to hang out.”)

Concrete details that are included in each paragraph are useful to the audience’s comprehension of the

topic. (“A much more effective option is to help out at a soup kitchen. Here, you prepare meals each day. Teams or groups of people also volunteer to serve dinner each evening. By doing this service, you give the homeless people something they need, food, while not giving them the option to choose something else like drugs instead.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“By doing this service, you give the homeless people something they need, food, while not giving them the option to choose something else like drugs instead.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates an effective introduction by providing the readers with a variety of community service examples, followed by asking the audience a provocative question to garner their attention. (“Community service comes in many forms, from repairing houses to tutoring younger students. If you were required to complete community service as part of your graduation requirements, what service would you select?”)

Transitions between paragraphs or sentences are used well to substantiate and clarify the order of thought within the essay. (“The first community service project I would enjoy doing…”)

The conclusion provides the readers with closure and a sense that the writer is interested in pursuing the many community service opportunities detailed in his/her essay. (“If my school incorporated community service hours into their graduation requirements, there are various opportunities I act on to meet this

requirement.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good language use, voice, and style throughout the essay. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, good voice, and a clear sense of audience. There are well-structured sentences with some variety in the essay.

The writer’s use of active verbs, such as “aiding” and “donating,” not only lends authoritative style to the writing, it also creates a sense of immediacy within the essay. (“Serving the homeless in productive ways such as aiding in a soup kitchen, or donating food, would be a good way to help.”)

The writer’s use of coherent style and earnest tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. Furthermore, the writer’s ability to contrast effective and ineffective community service tasks serves to fortify his/her perspective. (“Just handing out money to homeless people is not a very effective strategy. A much more effective option is to help out at a soup kitchen.”)

The writer employs good use of the clause “which” to further emphasize the importance of simple

community service tasks, such as food donation. (“You can also donate canned food to your local food bank, which helps to support the soup kitchen.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation and subject-verb agreement. Also, all word selections should be used and spelled correctly, and there should be line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“As I am an exceptionally good student (in relation to the other students in my grade), I can help out by tutoring younger students.”)

Model Essay

All that is required is a love of animals, and a willingness to work. Mid-South Grey Hound Adoption volunteers will discover that having fun and doing fulfilling work in the service of Greyhound welfare are not mutually exclusive. Certainly, if I had to fulfill a community service in order to graduate, I would pick to help the Mid-South Grey Hound Adoption. This nonprofit organization recognizes that there are greyhounds in the community who never been shown the love they deserve. Many animals all over the United States of America are exposed cruelty by their owners and by abusers. Sometimes, greyhounds experience a similar fate. After greyhounds are unable to race, their owners usually seal their dog's fate early, or take the into the dog pound for adoption. Unfortunately, some of the greyhounds aren't adopted; and they are put into a deep sleep, one which they will never be able to wake up from.

The dogs in Mid-South Greyhound Adoption are given another opportunity at a domestic life. Racing dogs get a chance to be adopted by caring people, who will nurture them, and show them love and praise within

their home. Animals do not deserve the death penalty just because they can no longer serve their original function. If a greyhound loses many races, it is put to death. My service would show that these animals are creatures God, given to people to care for, not to be gambled with then killed. Greyhounds aren't just racing for money, but their lives.

Mid-South Greyhound adoption help change the fate of these fantastic racing dogs. These dogs help change a person's life, and even their own. Even when the dogs are not adopted, they are still given a home in this shelter. As a volunteer employee, I would care for the dog’s needs and welfare. People share some similarities with those greyhounds. People and greyhounds both want love and to have a friendship to last a life time.

If I served at Mid-South Greyhound Adoption, I would show the greyhounds I appreciate them. Not only would I be doing this community service to graduate, but I would also volunteer in order to change someone's life. Encouraging people to befriend a greyhound is to show a greyhound compassion and love. I look forward to having a bright future with my greyhound buddies.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The thesis states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view of the writer adequately.

(“Certainly, if I had to fulfill a community service in order to graduate, I would pick to help the Mid-South Grey Hound Adoption.”)

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The writer is devoted to informing the readers about his/her chosen community service project, Mid-South Grey Hound Adoption. (“Unfortunately, some of the greyhounds aren't adopted; and they are put into a deep sleep, one which they will never be able to wake up from”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience. There is little use of slang or contractions. (“After greyhounds are unable to race, their owners usually seal their dog's fate early, or take the into the dog pound for adoption”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support.

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas and employs pathos, or emotion, to elicit a sense of sympathy from the audience concerning the abandoned racing dogs. (“My service would show that these animals are creatures God, given to people to care for, not to be gambled with then killed.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“Animals do not deserve the death penalty just because they can no longer serve their original function.”) Providing more specific details about the service project would enhance the writer’s descriptions of why Mid-South Greyhound Adoption is so important to the community.

The writer attempts to create a personal anecdote in order to illustrate why his/her examples are relevant. (“As a volunteer employee, I would care for the dog’s needs and welfare.”)

Organization

The beginning of the essay demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by using the juxtaposition of life and death in order to engage the readers’ attention. (“Unfortunately, some of the greyhounds aren't adopted; and they are put into a deep sleep, one which they will never be able to wake up from.”)

Subtle transitions are used to connect ideas and promote the flow of the essay. (“Sometimes, greyhounds experience a similar fate.”) The writer should incorporate more transitions to connect the ideas in a more meaningful way.

something to think about. (“I look forward to having a bright future with my greyhound buddies.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. The writer should strive to diversify his/her sentence structure in order to create a rhythmic flow and keep the readers engaged in the essay. (“If I served at Mid-South Greyhound Adoption, I would show the greyhounds I appreciate them. Not only would I be doing this community service to graduate, but I would also volunteer in order to change someone's life.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the response. The writer provides language that

adequately describes his/her intended community service plan to the projected audience. (“Not only would I be doing this community service to graduate, but I would also volunteer in order to change someone's life. Encouraging people to befriend a greyhound is to show a greyhound compassion and love.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the essay. (“As a volunteer employee, I would care for the dog’s needs and welfare. People share some similarities with those greyhounds. People and greyhounds both want love and to have a friendship to last a life time.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Model Essay

if I was going to graduate but I couldn't because I had to complete community service I would do these following things. I am not a person that can teach someone how to do something such as tutoring someone, therefore I would choose to do something like hard labor or something such as building houses, repairing houses, painting houses and so on.

i don't know how to do any of these items, but im a pretty quick learner. The reason I do not want to tutor is because I cannot explain things clearly for others to understand what im trying to say, and is because im shy when it comes to new people I don't know.

if you asked me to do something for you I would do it, unless I don't think it's necessary or appropriate. Im am good at following directions and to learn how to build a house or anything you have to know how to follow directions. When you building a house you need a certain tool for a certain part to build the house and you get the wrong tools and the house collapsed you are going to get blamed because you couldn't follow directions. If you had never build a house why not try something new instead of doing something you already know.

ithink it would be better for me to do hard labor because you are outside there is many things to do, and time go by alot faster. Before you know it you would be done with you community service and getting a high school diploma and on your way to college or starting a life.

if you was tutoring you would be inside teaching students that may be immature and all you do is look at the clock to see when it is time to leave. If you didn't know how to build houses and you learned it from community service that might be what you want to go to college for plus you would have some experiences already so when your done with college you can get a job in an instant because of the experience you got in community service.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the essay. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides limited descriptions and details that may not give the readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Only some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The essay states the controlling idea in a very limited way. (“I am not a person that can teach someone how to do something such as tutoring someone, therefore I would choose to do something like hard labor or something such as building houses, repairing houses, painting houses and so on.”)

The writer’s focus is limited. The writer focuses on possible community service projects, but the description is limited and projects too much self-absorption. (“Im am good at following directions and to learn how to build a house or anything you have to know how to follow directions.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the essay. The essay should include more meaningful examples to illustrate the reasons why the writer would choose to perform these community service projects. The writer attempts to qualify why he/she would not be able to assist some service projects. Qualifiers are used to intensify the focus of the essay. However, the writing sounds unclear and wordy due to the lack of appropriate word choice, confusing the focus of the essay. Succinct word choice and concrete examples would help the readers picture the subject of the essay in their minds. (“I am not a person that can teach someone how to do something such as tutoring someone, therefore I would choose to do something like hard labor or something such as building houses, repairing houses, painting houses and so on.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The essay develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support.

The essay uses limited details to illustrate the main ideas. The writer asks an engaging question at the end of the second body paragraph, which suggests that an answer may be found within the text. However, the details within the rest of the essay need to be defended and developed in order for the readers to come to a conclusive answer. (“If you had never build a house why not try something new instead of doing something you already know.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs are abstract and unclear. (“ithink it would be better for me to do hard labor because you are outside there is many things to do, and time go by alot faster.”)

The explanations and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. The writer needs to select and develop relevant facts in order to solidify and support the thesis statement. (“if you was tutoring you would be inside teaching students that may be immature and all you do is look at the clock to see when it is time to leave.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a limited introduction. The writer discloses the type of community service that would appeal to him/her, but with limited background information and descriptive details, the readers

struggle to picture this person in their minds. (“if I was going to graduate but I couldn't because I had to complete community service I would do these following things. I am not a person that can teach someone how to do something such as tutoring someone, therefore I would choose to do something like hard labor or something such as building houses, repairing houses, painting houses and so on.”)

Strong transitions between paragraphs and between sentences are needed to enhance the flow of the writer’s ideas and to explain the relationships between the writer’s thoughts. (“if you was tutoring you

would be inside teaching students that may be immature and all you do is look at the clock to see when it is time to leave. If you didn't know how to build houses and you learned it from community service that might be what you want to go to college for plus you would have some experiences already so when your done with college you can get a job in an instant because of the experience you got in community service.”)

Although the conclusion of the essay provides the readers with a sense of closure, it does not summarize the main ideas or leave readers with something to think about. (“If you didn't know how to build houses and you learned it from community service that might be what you want to go to college for plus you would have some experiences already so when your done with college you can get a job in an instant because of the experience you got in community service.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates a limited use of language, voice, and style. The essay reveals simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, the word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

Some sentences are long and confusing. (“When you building a house you need a certain tool for a certain part to build the house and you get the wrong tools and the house collapsed you are going to get blamed because you couldn't follow directions. If you had never build a house why not try something new instead

of doing something you already know.”) The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details and comma splices to make the response stronger and more interesting to the intended audience.

Oftentimes, the writer uses the same group of words, such as “if you,” to begin sentences. (“if you asked me… if you was…”)

The sentences are too informal, and word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“If you didn't know how to build houses and you learned it from community service that might be what you want to go to college for plus you would have some experiences already so when your done with college you can get a job in an instant because of the experience you got in community service.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should make sure each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with line breaks, and words are spelled and used correctly. (“If you didn't know how to build houses and you learned it from community service that might be what you want to go to college for plus you would have some experiences already so when your done with college you can get a job in an instant because of the

experience you got in community service.”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

I have never had to community service but if I had to do it for graduation I would probably choose to tutor young students because I am better with kids then I am with building stuff especially houses and anything that requires major building. The most "community service" I have ever served is just working in my trailer park and keeping it clean. That is what I call community service, but there is other forms of community service like being made to do it for a punishment and doing for getting trouble and I am not one for getting in trouble unless its at home but that don't count. I have had friends to do community service and they didn't like it and some of them did they said that community service had helped them change and they said that, community service had help them make a better life for them selves. So if we had to do community service for graduation instead of senior project i would be so happier because then I would tutor students go to the soup kitchen and help down there and work with the elderly. I wouldn't mind doing community service like that to graduate because I would also be helpong someone else.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay only minimally states a central/controlling idea. (“I have never had to community service but if I had to do it for graduation I would probably choose to tutor young students because I am better with kids then I am with building stuff especially houses and anything that requires major building.”) The writer misses the opportunity to elaborate on the specific reasons why he/she wants to tutor young students.

Providing more details at every turn in a response creates a richly textured message that gives the readers a clear picture of why the writer wants to tutor as a service learning project.

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently enough to give readers a true sense of the action being described. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended

audience. (“That is what I call community service, but there is other forms of community service like being made to do it for a punishment and doing for getting trouble and I am not one for getting in trouble unless its at home but that don't count.”)

The writer’s details are minimally developed. The lack of concrete details and supplementary information detracts from the audience’s ability to comprehend the writer’s intention. (“So if we had to do community service for graduation instead of senior project i would be so happier because then I would tutor students go to the soup kitchen and help down there and work with the elderly.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s thesis statement. (“So if we had to do community service for graduation instead of senior project i would be so happier because then I would tutor students go to the soup kitchen and help down there and work with the elderly.”)

In this one-paragraph essay response, the writer does not include at least three main ideas as evidence in order to support what kind of community service he/she would render. Rather, the writer chooses to

elaborate on his/her lack of service learning experience. (“The most ‘community service’ I have ever served is just working in my trailer park and keeping it clean.”)

Details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. Details should include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations that give the readers a clear picture of what community service he/she would

select. (“I have had friends to do community service and they didn't like it and some of them did they said that community service had helped them change and they said that, community service had help them make a better life for them selves.”)

Organization

Furthermore, the essay demonstrates little evidence of a strong ending.

The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. Although the writer makes a

straightforward statement, the strength of the introduction is jumbled by the writer’s side note concerning his/her construction abilities. (“I have never had to community service but if I had to do it for graduation I would probably choose to tutor young students because I am better with kids then I am with building stuff especially houses and anything that requires major building.”)

The writer neglects to use transitions in order to scaffold his/her ideas and create a unified whole. As a result, the writer’s message is presented as a series of disconnected ideas. (“…i would be so happier

because then I would tutor students go to the soup kitchen and help down there and work with the elderly.”)

The essay does little to include a strong conclusion. However, the writer attempts to create a projective conclusion, which predicts the outcome of his/her future community service commitment. (“I wouldn't mind doing community service like that to graduate because I would also be helpong someone else.”)

Language Use & Style

Within many of the sentences, there are subject-verb agreement errors. (“So if we had to do community service for graduation instead of senior project i would be so happier because then I would tutor students go to the soup kitchen and help down there and work with the elderly.”)

Exact words are missing, which can affect meaning. (“That is what I call community service, but there is other forms of community service like being made to do it for a punishment and doing for getting trouble and I am not one for getting in trouble unless its at home but that don't count.”)

The writer creates long run-on sentences by using the word “and” to connect fragments and disconnected ideas. (“That is what I call community service, but there is other forms of community service like being made to do it for a punishment and doing for getting trouble and I am not one for getting in trouble unless its at home but that don't count.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized essay. (“I wouldn't mind doing community service like that to graduate because I would also be helpong someone else.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

The community service I would do for the requirement to graduate high school is to go and put up ads everywhere saying "If you need help with your homework doesn't matter what kind it is" and put my name and my number on it. they can contact me on my cellphone and so then people will come to asking fof help and i would do it for free so then I would study really good and l help them study even more and then they would get really good grades and there parents would be so proud of me and i kwould also like tutor them if they need the help if they don't I will only help them a little bi less than the other children that needs the most help on there homework.

i another service i would do is to help build staff like houses or dog houses or what ever needs to be build for people and I will also clean peoples houses and cars.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“they can contact me on my cellphone and so then people will come to asking fof help and i would do it for free so then I would study really good and l help them study even more and then they would get really good grades…”)

The essay states a central/controlling idea but does not develop it adequately through examples and

descriptive details. (“The community service I would do for the requirement to graduate high school is to go and put up ads everywhere saying ‘If you need help with your homework doesn't matter what kind it is’ and put my name and my number on it.”)

The essay’s lack of specific details renders the writer’s message ineffective and incomplete. (“i another service i would do is to help build staff like houses or dog houses or what ever needs to be build for people and I will also clean peoples houses and cars”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer neglects to develop ideas, using no details for support.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. Although the writer proposes a community service option, he/she fails to develop the idea. (“they can contact me on my cellphone and so then people will come to asking fof help and i would do it for free so then I would study really good and l help them study even more and then they would get really good grades and there parents would be so proud of me and i kwould also like tutor them if they need the help if they don't I will only help them a little bi less than the other children that needs the most help on there homework.”)

In this response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs. At least three main ideas should be included as evidence. The writer suggests some service learning experiences, but because of a lack of elaboration about any of the subtopics, it reads as a list. (“another service i would do is to help build staff like houses or dog houses or what ever needs to be build for people and I will also clean peoples houses and cars.”)

Details are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Details could include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations to bring the writer’s ideas to life. (“…I would study really good and l help them study even more and then they would get really good grades.”)

Organization

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. Although the writer attempts to engage the readers’ focus by describing an altruistic action, the message is muddled by the confusing syntax. (“The community service I would do for the requirement to graduate high school is to go and put up ads

everywhere saying ‘If you need help with your homework doesn't matter what kind it is’ and put my name and my number on it.”)

Transitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. Instead the writer employs the use of the

conjunction “and” to move from one thought to another, resulting in run-on sentence structure. (“they can contact me on my cellphone and so then people will come to asking fof help and i would do it for free so then I would study really good and l help them study even more and then they would get really good grades and there parents would be so proud of me and i kwould also like tutor them if they need the help if they don't I will only help them a little bi less than the other children that needs the most help on there homework.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. Rather than concluding his/her writing with a statement about serving the public through education, the essay ends with an undeveloped statement concerning other community service projects the writer would like to be involved with. (“i another service i would do is to help build staff like houses or dog houses or what ever needs to be build for people and I will also clean peoples houses and cars.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s language use and style are inadequate. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences are long and confusing. (“they can contact me on my cellphone and so then people will come to asking fof help and i would do it for free so then I would study really good and l help them study even more and then they would get really good grades and there parents would be so proud of me and i kwould also like tutor them if they need the help if they don't I will only help them a little bi less than the other children that needs the most help on there homework.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended

audience. (“…i would do is to help build staff like houses or dog houses or what ever needs to be build for people…”)

The writer creates ill-structured sentences and employs simple word choices. Rather than creating

compound or complex sentences, the writer relies on the conjunction “and” to create a run-on sentence, which creates an unclear message. (“they can contact me on my cellphone and so then people will come to asking fof help and i would do it for free so then I would study really good and l help them study even more and then they would get really good grades and there parents would be so proud of me and i kwould also like tutor them if they need the help if they don't I will only help them a little bi less than the other children that needs the most help on there homework.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is inadequate. There are noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

cars.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

One of the responsibilities of being an adult is managing a budget that allows you to pay for the basic necessities of life. Imagine in a few years that you have just graduated from college and have landed your first job. After taxes you have $1,500 dollars each month to spend on housing, utilities, food, supplies, and transportation. How exactly would you budget that money to cover those basic necessities? What things would you be willing to spend more money on? What would you do with extra money?

In a detailed essay, discuss how you would budget $1,500 each month to cover your expenses and extras. Include examples and reasons to support your budget allocations.

Model Essay

Managing a budget requires effort, a knowledgeable plan, and responsibility. Spreading $1,500 across the cost of housing, food, utilities, transportation, and supplies will challenge a newly-graduated student to create a financial balance. To cover the basic necessities, planning and logic will come into play.

Additionally, the five expenses as stated above have different values in a student's life, and ranking them will help to determine which expenses need more money. If there should be any money left when all the expenses have been addressed, there are several things the student should do with the extra money.

Budgeting earned money can be tricky, but with an accurate plan, management can be less stressful.

First, determine how to budget the money. Housing, such as paying for a reasonable apartment, will require a large chunk of the well-earned money. Utilities, such as soap, detergent, toilet paper, silverware, etc., bite out a portion of the budget. Food is a major necessity, and since all humans eat roughly three times a day, food might become expensive. Transportation, such as taking the bus or train, might prove less expensive than driving every day and paying for three-dollar or more gasoline. Supplying oneself and the home will require money as well. Clothes, towels, shoes, coats, and other miscellaneous items add up to a piece of the budgeted money. This is where planning and making smart choices come into play.

The next step in budgeting money is how to spend the money. Instead of paying off expensive car loans every month and worrying about gas each week for a car, try taking the bus or train to work. This will be less costly and bringing work onto the train or bus is possible. Food as well can be spent on wisely. Going out to eat every week, by stopping at McDonald's or going on a date, might put a dent on the student's budget. Try shopping once a week or so, buying the basics such as soups, vegetables, fruits, and bread.

Try not to spend the food money on cookies or chips. Both are not healthy and rarely are cheap. Moreover, attempt to stay away from expensive items when buying for clothes, toiletries, or any needed item for everyday life. Performing wise decisions will help maintain a healthy and stress-free money management process.

While spending may seem easy, deciding which area of expense is most important is key to budgeting money. Food should definitely be ranked in the top two, with housing coming in a close second. Without food and a warm place to stay, going to work will be quite hard. Utilities and supplies, as mentioned before, are important as well, for they are needed to function effectively. Transportation is also a necessity, but catching the bus or riding the local train will not require too much effort.

Lastly, if there should be any money left over after all expenses have been taken care of, the recent-grad should put half of the money in a bank account for emergencies and larger expenses, and the other half for play time, such as weekend movies or vacations. Spending the extra money on flimsy things, such as a new

pair of shoes or a special jacket, are allowed, but should be bought sparingly and with caution. Impulse buying is not good when creating a budget.

In conclusion, managing well-earned money can be time-consuming, but with effort and careful planning, creating a budget is important for the future and for avoiding money trouble and debt. First, create a plan. Deciding which areas of expenses will require more money and which are the most important for living is crucial. After, if there should be any extra money, be careful not to spend it on expensive items that might be carelessly left in a closet. Creating a budget and sticking to that budget will ensure a stable financial environment.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are provided in the essay. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience. The writer effectively completes all parts of the task.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by very effectively using an engaging statement to begin the

introduction. (“Managing a budget requires effort, a knowledgeable plan, and responsibility. Spreading

$1,500 across the cost of housing, food, utilities, transportation, and supplies will challenge a newly- graduated student to create a financial balance. To cover the basic necessities, planning and logic will come into play.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. (“While spending may seem easy, deciding which area of expense is most important is key to budgeting money. Food should definitely be ranked in the top two, with housing coming in a close second. Without food and a warm place to stay, going to work will be quite hard.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“Additionally, the five expenses as stated above have different values in a student's life, and ranking them will help to determine which expenses need more money. If there should be any money left when all the expenses have been addressed, there are several things the student should do with the extra money. Budgeting earned money can be tricky, but with an accurate plan, management can be less stressful.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details for support.

Relevant points are used to explain how to create a budget very effectively. (“Housing, such as paying for a reasonable apartment, will require a large chunk of the well-earned money. Utilities, such as soap,

detergent, toilet paper, silverware, etc., bite out a portion of the budget.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (“Food as well can be spent on wisely. Going out to eat every week, by stopping at McDonald's or going on a date, might put a dent on the student's budget. Try shopping once a week or so, buying the basics such as soups, vegetables, fruits, and bread.”)

Specific information about budgeting, as discussed in the essay, is developed very effectively. (“If there should be any money left when all the expenses have been addressed, there are several things the student should do with the extra money. Budgeting earned money can be tricky, but with an accurate plan,

management can be less stressful.”)

Organization

The introduction includes very effective sentences that explain what the essay is about. (“Managing a budget requires effort, a knowledgeable plan, and responsibility. Spreading $1,500 across the cost of housing, food, utilities, transportation, and supplies will challenge a newly-graduated student to create a financial balance.”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect ideas between paragraphs. (“While spending may seem easy, deciding which area of expense is most important is key to budgeting money.”)

The conclusion summarizes the main points of the essay very effectively. (“In conclusion, managing well- earned money can be time-consuming, but with effort and careful planning, creating a budget is important for the future and for avoiding money trouble and debt. First, create a plan. Deciding which areas of expenses will require more money and which are the most important for living is crucial. After, if there should be any extra money, be careful not to spend it on expensive items that might be carelessly left in a

closet. Creating a budget and sticking to that budget will ensure a stable financial environment.”)

Language Use & Style

adds to the effectiveness of the writer’s response.

The writer chooses descriptive words to effectively describe how he/she would budget $1,500 each month to cover expenses and extras. (“Lastly, if there should be any money left over after all expenses have been taken care of, the recent-grad should put half of the money in a bank account for emergencies and larger expenses, and the other half for play time, such as weekend movies or vacations. Spending the extra money on flimsy things, such as a new pair of shoes or a special jacket, are allowed, but should be bought

sparingly and with caution. Impulse buying is not good when creating a budget.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“Deciding which areas of expenses will require more money and which are the most important for living is crucial. After, if there should be any extra money, be careful not to spend it on expensive items that might be carelessly left in a closet. Creating a budget and sticking to that budget will ensure a stable financial environment.”)

The writer demonstrates use of strong voice throughout the response. (“Supplying oneself and the home will require money as well. Clothes, towels, shoes, coats, and other miscellaneous items add up to a piece of the budgeted money. This is where planning and making smart choices come into play.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Model Essay

One thousand five-hundred dollars is very little to live off for a month. At first glance it might seem limitless, but in reality it is not. Once you spread that allowance over the day to day living expenses such as housing, utilities, food, supplies and transportation you have very little to spare. Things become even tighter as you support a savings account and a religious donation known as tithing. The following paragraphs will be spent explaining the reasoning behind my distribution of costs.

The breakdown of my budget is as follows. I would allot one hundred fifty dollars for tithing, and one hundred and fifty dollars for savings. From the remaining amount I would remove five hundred dollars for housing costs. Another two hundred dollars would pay for a car. One hundred dollars would be set aside for utilities, and one hundred more would be used to purchase food. I have two hundred left for my personal uses.

I have religious obligations that would require ten percent of my income. In this instance that amount is one hundred and fifty dollars. A savings account is always an intelligent idea, and a good thing to continually feed. One hundred and fifty dollars a month would accrue six hundred dollars after only one month. After a decade you have six thousand dollars for a rainy day. If your bank offers an interest of two percent you would earn an extra one hundred and twenty dollars every decade.

In my aforementioned budget I set aside five hundred dollars for a house payment. This sum of money would let me rent a decent sized house in an average neighborhood. I could easily find a house with three bedrooms, and two bathrooms which would fit my families needs perfectly. Two hundred dollars would pay for a modest but new car that would also serve my family well. I specifically planned for a new car because they require less maintenance than used and old cars.

Two hundred dollars would cover my utilities bill very nicely. I would use this money to provide heat, air conditioning, light, water and natural gas to my house each month. Electricity would be my highest cost because it has to pay for all of my temperature control, all of my lighting, and all of my electronic devices. I reserved one hundred dollars for my food and groceries bill. Besides food, this section would also extend to household cleaners and restaurants.

I finally have two hundred dollars left for my personal uses. This fund would pay for my random daily expenses, and for any forms of entertainment I participate in. I would use some of this money to fund a weekly date night, or save it for a larger activity for the following week. If I had pets I would pay for them from this category. This fund would also serve as reserve for my other payments. For example, if my utilities bill was higher than normal I would pay for the difference using my personal fund instead of savings. If my car needed a repair that cost would also come from this fund.

My budget is tight, but not impossible. If I can adhere to these categories for an extended time, I can cover all of my needed costs, and save for the future. I can also adjust my budget to fit future promotions, pay increases and holiday bonuses. I can also readjust the budget to accomodate small pay cuts, and job changes. This budget is versatile and effective, and something that could easily be lived by in the future.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by using an engaging statement in the introduction. (“One thousand five-hundred dollars is very little to live off for a month. At first glance it might seem limitless, but in

reality it is not. Once you spread that allowance over the day to day living expenses such as housing, utilities, food, supplies and transportation you have very little to spare. Things become even tighter as you support a savings account and a religious donation known as tithing.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. (“Two hundred dollars would cover my utilities bill very nicely. I would use this money to provide heat, air conditioning, light, water and natural gas to my house each month. Electricity would be my highest cost because it has to pay for all of my temperature control, all of my lighting, and all of my electronic devices.”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about how the writer would budget $1,500 each month to cover expenses and extras. (“In my aforementioned budget I set aside five hundred dollars for a house payment. This sum of money would let me rent a decent sized house in an average neighborhood. I could easily find a house with three bedrooms, and two bathrooms which would fit my families needs

perfectly.”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient appropriate details for support.

The content in the body of the paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain the main idea. (“I finally have two hundred dollars left for my personal uses. This fund would pay for my random daily expenses, and for any forms of entertainment I participate in. I would use some of this money to fund a weekly date night, or save it for a larger activity for the following week. If I had pets I would pay for them from this

category.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea in the topic sentence. (“I have religious obligations that would require ten percent of my income. In this instance that amount is one hundred and fifty dollars. A savings account is always an intelligent idea, and a good thing to continually feed.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“The breakdown of my budget is as follows. I would allot one hundred fifty dollars for tithing, and one hundred and fifty dollars for savings. From the remaining amount I would remove five hundred dollars for housing costs. Another two hundred dollars would pay for a car. One hundred dollars would be set aside for utilities, and one hundred more would be used to purchase food. I have two hundred left for my personal uses.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates an effective introduction. (“One thousand five-hundred dollars is very little to live off for a month. At first glance it might seem limitless, but in reality it is not. Once you spread that allowance over the day to day living expenses such as housing, utilities, food, supplies and transportation you have very little to spare. Things become even tighter as you support a savings account and a religious donation known as tithing. The following paragraphs will be spent explaining the reasoning behind my

distribution of costs.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or sentences are used well. (“For example, if my utilities bill was higher than normal I would pay for the difference using my personal fund instead of savings.”)

The conclusion provides readers with closure and gives them advice on creating a budget. (“My budget is tight, but not impossible. If I can adhere to these categories for an extended time, I can cover all of my needed costs, and save for the future. I can also adjust my budget to fit future promotions, pay increases

and holiday bonuses. I can also readjust the budget to accomodate small pay cuts, and job changes. This budget is versatile and effective, and something that could easily be lived by in the future.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good language use, voice, and style throughout the essay. Appropriate language and word choice, good voice, and a clear sense of audience are demonstrated. The writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety.

Language and tone are consistent. (“Two hundred dollars would pay for a modest but new car that would also serve my family well. I specifically planned for a new car because they require less maintenance than used and old cars.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“In my aforementioned budget I set aside five hundred dollars for a house payment. This sum of money would let me rent a decent sized house in an average neighborhood. I could easily find a house with three bedrooms, and two bathrooms which would fit my families needs perfectly.”)

The writer employs good word choice to describe how he/she would budget $1,500 each month to cover expenses and extras. (“The breakdown of my budget is as follows. I would allot one hundred fifty dollars

for tithing, and one hundred and fifty dollars for savings. From the remaining amount I would remove five hundred dollars for housing costs. Another two hundred dollars would pay for a car. One hundred dollars would be set aside for utilities, and one hundred more would be used to purchase food. I have two hundred left for my personal uses.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement, appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“My budget is tight, but not impossible. If I can adhere to these categories for an extended time, I can cover all of my needed costs, and save for the future. I can also adjust my budget to fit future promotions, pay increases and holiday bonuses.”)

Model Essay

Everyone calls the time after college the toughest. Trying to find jobs and paying off student debt, but I believe with a thought out budget this time would be extremely easier. I just recently managed to graduate from Brigham Young University, with my bachelor's degree. I had spent my last few months searching for jobs immediately after that final graduation day. I was very successful finding a job just a few minutes from my apartment which I was living in and would stay in. The job paid well for an early graduate, with $1,500 dollars a month. Knowing that I was going to receive that payment monthly I wanted to be smart about what I spent. The only way that I could do that and not go into debt was to form and manage a budget.

The first thing I knew I needed was housing. I was already staying in a small house with two other roommates. We all found jobs around or fairly close to the area so we decide to stay in the house and pay for our share of the house. The house all together was about a thousand dollars, after we split it between the three of us it was about $330 dollars each. This house was at a great location from my work and was fairly

inexpensive. With the house also comes the responsibility of paying for utilities. Each one of our roommates gives out $100 dollars a month for different types of utilities.

I also had to consider my food and supplies. I want to give money for me food to be around $180 dollars a month. For supplies I wanted $100 dollars for one month. The food money gives me some flexibility to buy groceries and to also go out a few times. The one hundred dollars for supplies gives me room to but supplies when they have a high demand or save the money to pay off my student debt. My student debt I must pay $150 dollars a month. So with a lot of extra money I do not use I will pay that off.

For transportation, I was very lucky and received a car from my family. The car was all paid for and was not being used. My parents gave me the car but I still had to pay for the gas bill. Only driving me car short distances I pay on average $250 dollars a month. This car only cost around $45 dollars each time to fill up the tank. This gets me around a week or so at average. I also take one of my roommates to work ever so often. For this act she gives me $30 dollars a month in return.

After spending all of my needed money, I have $420 dollars left. This gives me some flexibility to spend on luxury items and or spend some extra money while going out with friends. Having a little extra money is always a good thing in case of an emergency or I need more food. I believe that if I stick to a budget like this I will not get me self caught in any large amounts of debt.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The thesis states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view of the writer adequately. (“The job paid well for an early graduate, with $1,500 dollars a month. Knowing that I was going to receive that payment monthly I wanted to be smart about what I spent. The only way that I could do that and not go into debt was to form and manage a budget.”)

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The essay is devoted to informing the readers about how he/she would budget $1,500 each month to cover expenses and extras. (“I also had to consider

my food and supplies. I want to give money for me food to be around $180 dollars a month. For supplies I wanted $100 dollars for one month. The food money gives me some flexibility to buy groceries and to also go out a few times. The one hundred dollars for supplies gives me room to but supplies when they have a high demand or save the money to pay off my student debt.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“The house all together was about a thousand dollars, after we split it between the three of us it was about

$330 dollars each. This house was at a great location from my work and was fairly inexpensive. With the house also comes the responsibility of paying for utilities.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support.

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“For transportation, I was very lucky and received a car from my family. The car was all paid for and was not being used. My parents gave me the car but I still had to pay for the gas bill. Only driving me car short distances I pay on average $250 dollars a month.”)

The essay includes examples, facts, or explanations about each main idea. (“With the house also comes the responsibility of paying for utilities. Each one of our roommates gives out $100 dollars a month for

different types of utilities.”)

Details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. At least three details are stated about each main idea. (“The first thing I knew I needed was housing. I was already staying in a small house with two other roommates. We all found jobs around or fairly close to the area so we decide to stay in the house and pay for our share of the house. The house all together was about a thousand dollars, after we split it between the three of us it was about $330 dollars each. This house was at a great location from my work and was fairly inexpensive.”)

Organization

The beginning of the essay demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by trying to connect to the readers through a common scenario. (“Everyone calls the time after college the toughest.

Trying to find jobs and paying off student debt, but I believe with a thought out budget this time would be extremely easier.”)

Subtle transitions are used to connect ideas. (“I also had to consider my food and supplies. I want to give money for me food to be around $180 dollars a month. For supplies I wanted $100 dollars for one month.”) The writer should incorporate more transitions to connect the ideas in a more meaningful way.

The writer’s conclusion neglects to summarize the main points of the response. However, the readers do have a sense of closure. The writer should consider enhancing the conclusion with a summary of ideas.

(“After spending all of my needed money, I have $420 dollars left. This gives me some flexibility to spend on luxury items and or spend some extra money while going out with friends. Having a little extra money is always a good thing in case of an emergency or I need more food. I believe that if I stick to a budget like

this I will not get me self caught in any large amounts of debt.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“The house all together was about a thousand dollars, after we split it between the three of us it was about $330 dollars each. This house was at a great location from my work and was fairly inexpensive. With the house also comes the responsibility of paying for utilities.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the response. The writer provides language that adequately describes how he/she would budget $1,500 each month to cover expenses and extras to the

intended audience. (“The one hundred dollars for supplies gives me room to but supplies when they have a high demand or save the money to pay off my student debt. My student debt I must pay $150 dollars a month. So with a lot of extra money I do not use I will pay that off.”)

Word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the essay. (“For transportation, I was very lucky and received a car from my family. The car was all paid for and was not being used. My parents gave me the car but I still had to pay for the gas bill.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Model Essay

If I was givin $1,500 dollars a month for the basic necessities it would be tough to keep everything in order. Trying to live off money like that is not the life you really want to live. As a young adult we have to keep tack on our money that we spend and need to save up. You can't act stupid and blow all your money on things that are useless. We have to learn frugality, which is not to waste things.

With the $1,500 dollars I have for a month I would try to manage it as well as I can. That money is no to be spent on things that are no need for something in everyday life. First I would think about what needs the most money put into it. Housing I would say needs the most spending. With no house where you going to go. Housing is the most important to me, so im going to be focusing on paying my house rent. I would set aside a certain amount for each necessitie. Basically dividing my money in different sections. When you have that much money you really have to know how to balance and support things you need.

If I ever had extra money from my budget money, I would save it up so the next month I have more money to spend. I would have the extra money saved up; so I can afford more then what I got the last month. If you do that every moth I think you will dfind out how much money you are saving. Your budget will increase and increase little by little and you will start to being able to afford things you never thought you would when you started managing your money. So remember juset to set aside the little extra money you have saved up every month and watch it grow.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Focus and meaning are limited in the essay. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides limited descriptions and details that may not give the readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Only some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The essay states the controlling idea in a very limited way. (“If I was givin $1,500 dollars a month for the basic necessities it would be tough to keep everything in order. Trying to live off money like that is not the life you really want to live.”)

Focus is limited. The writer focuses on how he/she would budget $1,500 each month to cover expenses and extras, but the description is limited at best. (“As a young adult we have to keep tack on our money

that we spend and need to save up. You can't act stupid and blow all your money on things that are useless. We have to learn frugality, which is not to waste things.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the essay and should include more meaningful examples to illustrate how he/she would budget $1,500 each month to cover expenses and extras. Including specific details would help the readers picture the subject of the essay in their minds. (“First I would think about

what needs the most money put into it. Housing I would say needs the most spending. With no house where you going to go. Housing is the most important to me, so im going to be focusing on paying my house

rent.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The essay develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support.

The essay uses limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Trying to live off money like that is not the life you really want to live. As a young adult we have to keep tack on our money that we spend and need to save up.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. (“I would set aside a certain amount for each necessitie. Basically dividing my money in different sections. When you have that much money you really have to know how to balance and support things you need.”)

The explanations and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“If I ever had extra money from my budget money, I would save it up so the next month I have more money to spend. I would have the extra money saved up; so I can afford more then what I got the last month.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a limited introduction. The writer discloses how he/she would budget $1,500 each month to cover expenses and extras, but with limited background information and descriptive details, the readers struggle to picture this scenario in their minds. (“If I was givin $1,500 dollars a month for the basic necessities it would be tough to keep everything in order. Trying to live off money like that is not the life you really want to live. As a young adult we have to keep tack on our money that we spend and need to

save up. You can't act stupid and blow all your money on things that are useless. We have to learn frugality, which is not to waste things.”)

Strong transitions between paragraphs and between sentences are needed to enhance the flow of the

writer’s ideas. (“I would set aside a certain amount for each necessitie. Basically dividing my money in different sections. When you have that much money you really have to know how to balance and support things you need.”)

Although the conclusion of the essay provides the readers with a sense of closure, it does not summarize the main idea. (“Your budget will increase and increase little by little and you will start to being able to

afford things you never thought you would when you started managing your money. So remember juset to set aside the little extra money you have saved up every month and watch it grow.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates a limited use of language, voice, and style. The essay reveals simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, the word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“Your budget will increase and increase little by little and you will start to being able to afford things you never thought you would when you started managing your money.”)

Appropriate transitions are needed to make the essay more readable. (“If I ever had extra money from my budget money, I would save it up so the next month I have more money to spend. I would have the extra money saved up; so I can afford more then what I got the last month. If you do that every moth I think you will dfind out how much money you are saving.”)

The sentences are too informal and the word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively

communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“You can't act stupid and blow all your money on things that are useless. We have to learn frugality, which is not to waste things.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Control of mechanics and conventions is limited in the essay. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, begin each sentence with a capital letter, indicate new paragraphs with line breaks, check for correct spelling of words, and ensure proper usage of words within the context of sentences. (“That money is no to be spent on things that are no need for something in everyday life. First I would think about what needs the most money put into it. Housing I would say needs the most spending. With no house where you going to go.”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

To budget my household necessities the first thing I would do is to separate the things I need and the things I want. The things that I need is food/water, Transportation, Housing Utilities, and Supplies. Some things that i might want would maybe be a new sofa or a new hat that just came out.

Because Hawaii's cost of living is so expensive I would look for a roommate to split the housing cost. We would look for a place that I would have to spend no more than $500 a month. My next thing to buy would be utilities which is $200 for electric and $50 for water. The next thing I would have to buy is food at $100. Also,I would have to buy supplies such as dish soap, toothbrush, toothpaste, and more which will cost about $80. Another thing is transportation which will cost $440 after all of the payments. After all of that I will end up with $140 to spare.

With the extra money I would open a savings account and save the money in case I need it during the month.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay only minimally states a central/controlling idea. (“To budget my household necessities the first thing I would do is to separate the things I need and the things I want. The things that I need is food/water, Transportation, Housing Utilities, and Supplies. Some things that i might want would maybe be a new sofa or a new hat that just came out.”) The writer misses the opportunity to elaborate on the specific details in the essay. Providing more details at every turn in a response creates a richly textured message that gives

the readers a clear picture of how the writer would budget $1,500 each month to cover his/her expenses and extras.

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give the readers a true sense of the budget being created. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“Another thing is transportation which will cost $440 after all of the payments. After all of that I will end up with $140 to spare.”)

The writer’s details are minimally developed. (“My next thing to buy would be utilities which is $200 for electric and $50 for water. The next thing I would have to buy is food at $100.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support.

Minimal evidence is used to explain or support the writer’s thesis statement. (“To budget my household necessities the first thing I would do is to separate the things I need and the things I want. The things that I need is food/water, Transportation, Housing Utilities, and Supplies. Some things that i might want would maybe be a new sofa or a new hat that just came out.”)

The writer does not include at least three main ideas as evidence in this minimal essay response. (“To budget my household necessities the first thing I would do is to separate the things I need and the things I want. The things that I need is food/water, Transportation, Housing Utilities, and Supplies. Some things that i might want would maybe be a new sofa or a new hat that just came out.

With the extra money I would open a savings account and save the money in case I need it during the month.”)

Details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. Details should include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations that give the readers a clear picture of how the writer would budget $1,500 each month to cover his/her expenses and extras. (“Another thing is transportation which will cost $440 after all of the payments.”)

Organization

Organization is minimal as well. The writer provides an opening that minimally reveals the purpose of the prompt task. The response lacks effective transitional devices and paragraphing. Furthermore, the essay demonstrates little evidence of a strong ending.

The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“To budget my household necessities the first thing I would do is to separate the things I need and the things I want.”)

Evidence of transitional devices is minimal and does not successfully help connect ideas, but it does make the essay read more like a list. (“My next thing to buy would be utilities which is $200 for electric and $50 for water. The next thing I would have to buy is food at $100.”)

The essay does little to include a strong conclusion. (“With the extra money I would open a savings account and save the money in case I need it during the month.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay uses the same group of words to begin the two sentences in the paragraph. (“My next thing to buy would be utilities which is $200 for electric and $50 for water. The next thing I would have to buy is food at $100.”)

The writer relies on simple sentence structure and word choices. (“After all of that I will end up with $140 to spare.”)

There is repetition in parts of the essay. (“My next thing to buy would be utilities which is $200 for electric and $50 for water. The next thing I would have to buy is food at $100.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized essay. (“The things that I need is food/water, Transportation, Housing Utilities, and Supplies. Some things that i might want would maybe be a new sofa or a new hat that just came out.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

Have you ever had a budget like most of the people in the world do? Well I know a couple of people that have one like my parents, my uncles, aunts, and cousins. They keep at least keep like 10 percent of that to use it for what ever needs that have like paying the bills at in apartment, or utilities. They mostly use that 10 percent to support their families, because they do not want theur kids thinking that they were not good at things.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“They mostly use that 10 percent to support their families, because they do not want theur kids thinking that they were not good at things.”)

A central/controlling idea is stated, but it is not developed adequately through examples and descriptive details. (“Have you ever had a budget like most of the people in the world do? Well I know a couple of people that have one like my parents, my uncles, aunts, and cousins.”)

A lack of specific details renders the writer’s message ineffective and incomplete. (“They keep at least keep like 10 percent of that to use it for what ever needs that have like paying the bills at in apartment, or utilities.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer neglects to develop ideas, using no details for support.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“They keep at least keep like 10 percent of that to use it for what ever needs that have like paying the bills at in apartment, or

utilities.”)

In this one-paragraph response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs. At least three main ideas should be included as evidence. (“Have you ever had a budget like most of the people in the world do?

Well I know a couple of people that have one like my parents, my uncles, aunts, and cousins. They keep at least keep like 10 percent of that to use it for what ever needs that have like paying the bills at in apartment, or utilities. They mostly use that 10 percent to support their families, because they do not want theur kids thinking that they were not good at things.”)

Details are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Details could include examples, facts, brief

narratives, or explanations to bring the writer’s ideas to life. (“They mostly use that 10 percent to support their families, because they do not want theur kids thinking that they were not good at things.”)

Organization

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“Have you ever had a budget like most of the people in the world do?”)

Transitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“They keep at least keep like 10 percent of that to use it for what ever needs that have like paying the bills at in apartment, or utilities. They mostly use that 10 percent to support their families, because they do not want theur kids thinking that they were not good at things.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“They mostly use that 10 percent to support their families, because they do not want theur kids thinking that they were not good at things.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s language use and style is inadequate. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“They keep at least keep like 10 percent of that to use it for what ever needs that have like paying the bills at in apartment, or utilities.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended

audience. (“Well I know a couple of people that have one like my parents, my uncles, aunts, and cousins.”)

The writer relies on simple sentences and word choices. (“They mostly use that 10 percent to support their families, because they do not want theur kids thinking that they were not good at things.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure that the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas. The essay is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“Have you ever had a budget like most of the people in the world do? Well I know a couple of people that have one like my parents, my uncles, aunts, and cousins. They keep at least keep like 10 percent of that to use it for what ever needs that have like paying the bills at in apartment, or utilities. They mostly use that 10 percent to support their families, because they do not want theur kids thinking that they were not good at things.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

"Crossing the Rubicon" is a popular expression that means to go past a point of no return by doing an action so powerful that it is irreversible. It is believed that the phrase originated when Julius Caesar took his armies past the Rubicon Barrier that no general had ever crossed, and marched on to Rome. This was considered an act of war that solidified his power and changed the world forever.

Think of a fateful decision that someone has made that has had a significant and irreversible impact on the world. What was this decision and what was its short-term and long-term impact?

Model Essay

At the Battle of Little Bighorn the Indians and Custer's army made a positive influence on their own cultures for a short period of time, but they negatively changed the worlds perception of opposite cultures. In late 1875 through 1876 the Indians joined forces with each other and defiantly left their reservations to defend their lands and their sacred grounds. Whites were continuously intruding upon the Sioux and Cheyenne's cherished Black Hills and settling on more and more Indian land. These actions angered many tribal nations and together they would unite to attack settlement across the Americas. As a result of Indian aggression, colonists built up their armies and sent them out to stop advances of Native Americans on what they saw as Colonial Territory. And perfectly placed during this age of war was aspiring Civil War hero, Lt. Colonel George Custer.

After the Civil War, Custer was searching for a way to enter the presidential office, eager to demonstrate his skills at the head of a rising, powerful nation. But he had one more thing to do before he could be sure of his election. He had to become a conquering war hero and win popularity among the American public. However, the only battles left were those against bitter Native American tribes, so the Colonel set out with his army to force the large Sioux/Cheyenne army back onto their reservations. He did not know that his war hero camp gain would never see the box office. As many know, Custer ignored orders and launched an attack upon the Sioux/Cheyenne. He faced impossible odds and him and his 210 soldiers were soon overcome by the thousands of Native American braves. The American army was quick destroyed.

The Indian nations were a little stunned and took the victory greedily, shouting and ranting about it in several battles to come. It also revealed the power that could be obtained by the Natives if they put away old tribal feuds and banned together against the 'Whiteman'. The Battle of Little Bighorn positively influenced the Native culture and brought the tribes together and inspired cooperation among the native people that had never been heard of in all of history. Across the Americas opposing nations were putting aside their differences and joining alliances, even all the way down through Brazil's Amazonian tribes. Tribal leaders also saw it as a sign of the military power that could grow under the united Indians and also took more strategic moves against the American army. In comparison, the white American population also worked together more fluidly against the 'savages' and became fiercer and less willing to give sway in their arguments to the Indians. Almost unnoticeably it gave American colonists the drive to complete Manifest Destiny and expand to the Pacific, feeling that they were taking revenge for one of their most popular military officers. It may not have been a positive outlook and felt more like a vendetta against the Indians, but it positively developed the United States culture by urging the Americans forward and beginning the United States ambitions of conquering and gaining more power. Even better was how it drew the United States together after a emotionally dividing Civil War. They found a common enemy in the 'Redman' and it dominated and overcame past Northern and Southern disagreement because they could always speak of the Indians in common dislike. For a short period of time, the world changed for the better, to a certain degree.

However, the long-term effects were brutally negative, describing the bloody outcome. The Native Americans were almost completely annihilated by the white American army, jailed, in a sense, to the

reservations and utterly destroying the Native American cultures. Today, Indians are forced to become more and more distant from their original cultures in order to survive by keeping up with modern world technology and power. The native culture all over the world is dwindling, vanishing because of United States influence and emphasis in modern ideas. In fact, the United States claimed to be accepting of other societies when they bashed their own native culture and became, in reality, more closed minded about racial and/or cultural differences. Americans looked down upon 'primitive' culture that bears a keen resemblance to Native American culture. The United States still struggles to erase traces of racial disagreement and tries to appear more open about cultures. Custer's Last Stand use to symbolize the barbarian ways of the Natives and praised the bravery of the United States army at that time instead of seeing the possible foolishness and ill decisions that he made for probable self-gain.

The result of Colonel Custer's decision tilted the world in an irreversible direction that changed cultural views today, most directly impacting the United States. But more than that, it kept Custer out of office where who knows what influence he might have made on the modern world. Would we have completed our ambitions to spread United States rule to the Pacific? Would Native American population be treated better or worse, depending upon how Custer might have felt after the battle? Would he have respected the Natives or despised them? Would his attitude toward the Indian population have changed how the world looks sympathetically at natives globally?

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

introduction. It states that the act of “Crossing the Rubicon” is not necessarily interpreted the same way by everyone. This gives readers something substantive to think about right away and draws them into the

essay. (“At the Battle of Little Bighorn the Indians and Custer's army made a positive influence on their own cultures for a short period of time, but they negatively changed the worlds perception of opposite

cultures.”) The tone is very appropriate and does not provide readers with irrelevant details.

Content & Development

The essay develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details for support. Relevant points explain and illustrate very effectively. Supporting details develop the example well. (“As many know, Custer ignored orders and launched an attack upon the Sioux/Cheyenne.”) Each paragraph addresses a specific idea with numerous additional details for support. The essay continually addresses the various views that different cultures have with regard to Custer’s actions. (“Almost unnoticeably it gave

American colonists the drive to complete Manifest Destiny and expand to the Pacific, feeling that they were taking revenge for one of their most popular military officers.”)

Organization

events that led to the “crossing.” (“As a result of Indian aggression, colonists built up their armies and sent them out to stop advances of Native Americans on what they saw as Colonial Territory.”) Transitions

between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“However, the long-term effects were brutally negative, describing the bloody outcome.”) The conclusion is very effective and challenges

readers to think further about the ideas presented in the essay. (“Would he have respected the Natives or despised them?”)

Language Use & Style

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay uses very effective control of conventions and mechanics. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence is indented when beginning a new paragraph, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. There are rarely significant mistakes at this level. Errors that are present are minor and do not interfere with the author’s intent. (“In comparison, the white American population also worked together more fluidly against the 'savages' and became fiercer and less willing to

give sway in their arguments to the Indians.”)

Model Essay

A great example of a Crossing a Rubicon that has had a huge impact on not only the world but on history of past, present and future generations; would be the great events that took place in World War II during the 20th century with the Holocaust a large massacre of human people. The Holocaust was led by Adolf Hitler, an Austrian-born German politician who led the National Socialist German Workers Party and the Nazis during the war. It had a huge effect on how we view mass murder.

During World War II Germany was a central power that began to act and invade neighboring countries under the command of Adolf Hitler who was ruling during that period. In order to gain more power for world domination. The German Invasion of Poland in 1939 caused the British and French Empires to declare war on Germany, effectively begining World War II. The war was somewhat of a distraction to what was really happenin in Germany's concentration camps. The war was seperated into two sections, the United Stats was busy fighting with Japan, while Great Britian and France were fighting Germany. After World War I, the Nazi Party gained power during Germany's period of crisis. Hitler's bid for territorial conquest and racial subjugation was made possible by exploiting nationalism, anti-semitism, anti- communism, and propaganda with his charismatic oratory.

The Holocaust was a genocide of approximately six million European Jews, known by the Nazis as the "Final Solution of the Jewish Question." It was part of a program of a deliberate extermination planned and executed by the Nazi regime in Germany. Among the Jews many other groups were exterminated as well including the Roma; Soviets, particularly prisoners of war; ethnic Poles; other Slavic people; the disabled; gay men; and political and religious dissidents, such as Jehovah's witnesses. Over all the deth toll of all the victims of Nazi persecution, rises considerably to estimates that generaly place the total number of victims at nine to eleven million. Though there were many deaths among those that died there was a substantial number of survivors who onto this day are able to tell there stories of the horrors of how they were treated and what they encountered.

The jews and other groups were captured and sent to concentration camps. Where they were incarcerated and put to work or immediately killed. In the camps millions of prisoners died through mistreatment, disease, starvation, and overwork, or were executed as unfit for labor. Among those that were immediately put to death were children of young age, women and elderly people. The Jews were usually killed by

poisons in gas chambers and through mass shootings and by other means as well. The survivors tell of how hard it was for them to hide and how they feared to be caught by the Germans.

No one is capable of imagining the terrors these people went through. All that is left is their stories of their experiences of what they went through. It all started with the discrimination of these people. Sloly the Germans began to deny them the right to be involved in society. Even the churches provded the names of those that were Jews. When taken to the camps killing them was not enough they were burned and some wer even used for medical experiments. The experiments included placing subjects in pressure chambers, testing drugs on them, freezing them, attempting to change eye color by injecting chemicals into children's eyes, and various amputations and other brutal surgeries. Hitler also killed the disabled because he did not want them to reproduce. He was trying to create a perfect society or world. Part of the reason he killed the Jews was because he was an obsessed devoted Christian. All the deaths of these people were due to his phsychotic ambitious man.

To this day everyone knows of Adolf Hitler, The Nazis, and The Holocaust. People tremble at these names for they know and are well aware of what they stand for. The most cruelest massacre of human people who did nothing wrong. We hope to that this event in history may not repeat itself. It may as well be the most well known Crossing a Rubicon in history.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

grabs the readers’ attention by using an interesting statement, a question, or an engaging statement at the beginning of the introduction. It is very direct and provides readers with a full understanding of the purpose of the essay. (“A great example of a Crossing a Rubicon that has had a huge impact on not only the world but on history of past, present and future generations; would be the great events that took place in World War II during the 20th century with the Holocaust a large massacre of human people.”) It is very professional throughout. A more creative introduction would have made this essay even more engaging.

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient appropriate details for support. Supporting details develop the example well. (“The war was seperated into two sections, the United Stats was busy fighting with Japan, while Great Britian and France were fighting Germany.”) The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain the paragraph’s main idea. (“Among those that were immediately put to death were children of young age, women and elderly people.”) There may be too much information about the war and not enough about the Holocaust in general. Additional details about how the Holocaust represented a point of no return would have helped the essay significantly, but explaining the horrors of the event is sufficient for a high score.

Organization

creatively grabs readers’ attention by stating an exclamation. (“It had a huge effect on how we view mass murder.”) The essay demonstrates an effective introduction. The introduction provides enough information for the readers to understand the connection between the background information and the

thesis statement. (“The Holocaust was led by Adolf Hitler, an Austrian-born German politician who led the National Socialist German Workers Party and the Nazis during the war.”) The first sentence of the introduction includes a good question, a good quotation, or an interesting fact or statistic. Transitions

between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“To this day everyone knows of Adolf Hitler, The Nazis, and The Holocaust.”) The conclusion effectively leaves readers with something to think about;

for example, how to find out more about the subject. (“We hope to that this event in history may not repeat itself. It may as well be the most well known Crossing a Rubicon in history.”)

Language Use & Style

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay uses good control of conventions and mechanics. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, most sentences have a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and most sentences begin with a capital letter. There are a few mistakes scattered throughout this response, but they are minor and usually indicate that the author has a problem with typos rather than poor spelling. Mistakes that are made do not interfere with the author’s meaning. (“Sloly the Germans began to deny them the

right to be involved in society. Even the churches provded the names of those that were Jews.”)

Model Essay

Everything we do, everything we use, is a result of someone standing up for the things that they believe in, whether it be good or bad. The changes in the law of the things we are and aren't allowed to do are because someone stood up for their freedom of speech. All of us are here because of the pioneers moving for their freedom of religion. People from every country come here searching for their freedom from their government. And one great lady changed this nation simply by sitting on a bus.

In 1955, in a town called Montgomery, Alabama, an African American woman named Rosa Parks got onto her usual bus, sitting in an open front seat. A man came along, a white man, demanded that she move to the back of the bus with some other black people so he could have her seat in the front. And on that small- town but something extraordinary happened; she refused. Once again he demanded she move, and she politely declined his offer. He immediately got hold of the police and they arrested her on the spot, and gave her a fine of fourteen dollars. She, a little old lady, stood up for her rights as a human being, and she, along with other courageous people such as Martin Luther King, changed the course of history.

Rosa Parks started a movement with the other African American people in that city; they stopped using the buses, all taking the time to walk, and taking the money from the bus companies for the services they no longer needed. The bus boycott's original plan was to last for a one-day demonstration, but ended up lasting for 381 days in all. The MSN encyclopedia states that the 50,000 African Americans who banded together formed an organization called the Montgomery Improvement Association (MIA), which was led by Martin Luther King Jr. himself. In 1956, the next year, the Supreme Court of the United States "upheld a federal court decision ordering the Montgomery buses desegregated."

Her act of standing up for her rights has made a long-term impact on this nation by starting a chain reaction of happenings where black people realized that they were more than what people believed, and they could change the world. Rosa Parks was an amazing, very brave lady who inspired thousands, possibly millions of people.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea and demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience and completes many parts of the task. The thesis states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. (“She, a little old lady, stood up for her rights as a human being, and she, along with other courageous people such as Martin Luther King,

changed the course of history.”) While the thesis comes late in the response, it has a substantive amount of background information as well as a compelling narrative style that augments the quality of the essay.

Philosophizing early in the essay is not off topic and gives readers an idea of what to expect. (“The changes in the law of the things we are and aren't allowed to do are because someone stood up for their freedom of speech.”) The writing style throughout is sufficiently formal for the audience.

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. It develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support. The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“The MSN encyclopedia states that the 50,000 African Americans who banded together formed an organization called the Montgomery Improvement Association (MIA), which was led by Martin Luther King Jr. himself.”) The main ideas of

the body paragraph support the thesis. (“Rosa Parks started a movement with the other African American people in that city; they stopped using the buses, all taking the time to walk, and taking the money from the bus companies for the services they no longer needed.”) The response could have used additional topics to help strengthen the main point of the essay. The brevity of the response is the essay’s primary weakness.

Organization

The essay uses adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, but there is inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. The introduction creatively grabs readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“Everything we do, everything we use, is a result of

someone standing up for the things that they believe in, whether it be good or bad.”) Transitions between paragraphs or sentences are used adequately. The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“Her act of standing up for her rights has made a long-term impact on this nation by starting a chain reaction of happenings where black people realized that they were more than what people believed, and they could

change the world.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. Sentence lengths are adequately varied. Sentences may be overly simplistic but still adequate for this level. (“Rosa Parks was an amazing, very brave lady who inspired thousands, possibly millions of people.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates adequate control of mechanics and conventions. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and begin with a capital letter. Word choices may occasionally be poor, but the author’s intent is clear. (“Her act of standing up for her rights has made a long-term impact on this nation by starting a chain reaction of happenings where black people realized that they were more than what people believed, and they could change the world.”)

Model Essay

If I could choose an important even that happened in the world, I think it would be when the Twin Towers fell. September 11th, 2001 was when it happened. It is now 2009, and every September 11th we remember and mourn the people who faced tat tragic death.

Terrorists knocked down the Twin Towers. They drove planes into the two buildings. They were willing to kill themselves to kill Americans. So many people died in the attack, and it is very sad. Even though we faced that horrible incident, I actually think that it made America and the Americans stronger. Yes, it was devastating and it hade a huge impact on the people. But at the same time, I think it made us stronger. I think t made some people really come together, and really try to fight back. We have so many privileges that people wish they had.

I have a grandfather that was in the U.S. Air Force. He fought for this country for many years. He died when I was in seventh grade from a heart attack. He was buried out on the Pensacola Navy Base. Whenever I go out there, I sometimes cry. Partfor my grandfather, and partly for the millions and millions of people that have served for this country. They actually had to make space for more burials to occur. Every day someone dies, whether for it's for the right or wrong reasons, or what situation you're in. Bu when it's a death for the United States of America, I could tell someone hat I would guarantee that they would be remembered in a very special way. It really relates to what Caesar and his Romans did. They fought and died for what they believe in. Even though they were probly scared to do it, they still held in there and they remembered what they were fighting for.

The Twin Towers falling I think has an impact on everyone's lives in some way. People tried to break the United States, but we stayed strong. People say that faith, hope, and love are some of the greatest gifts anyone can have. I really think that people have it, and it's the peoples' actions and how they express those three things that create America

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

It does have a clear thesis, but it sounds too informal and unsophisticated to receive an adequate score at

the high school level. (“If I could choose an important even that happened in the world, I think it would be when the Twin Towers fell. September 11th, 2001 was when it happened.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. It develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support ideas. The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. Some ideas seem connected but remain

unexplained. (“I think t made some people really come together, and really try to fight back. We have so many privileges that people wish they had.”)

Organization

particularly creative or engaging. (“If I could choose an important even that happened in the world, I think it would be when the Twin Towers fell. September 11th, 2001 was when it happened. It is now 2009, and every September 11th we remember and mourn the people who faced tat tragic death.’) Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are needed. The essay demonstrates evidence of a strong conclusion. It does help to provide closure for the essay, but it is too brief and does not add much

significance for readers to think about or analyze in addition to what’s already been discussed. (“I really think that people have it, and it's the peoples' actions and how they express those three things that create America”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates simple language and word choice and some awareness of audience and control of voice. Sentence lengths are short, there is repetition, and transitions are needed. Sometimes disparate ideas are not successfully connected, and this makes reading the response somewhat confusing. The writer should use more varied and appropriate transitions. The style is somewhat formal, but high-school-level

responses should have better control over the tone of the language used. (“I think t made some people

really come together, and really try to fight back. We have so many privileges that people wish they had.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

reassess the author’s credibility. (“I really think that people have it, and it's the peoples' actions and how they express those three things that create America”)

Model Essay

During World War II, America was first an isolated country. We were thinking about entering the war when German U-boats were sinking our ships, but when Japanese emperor decided to bomb Pearl Harbor, we knew what we had to do. Japan destroyed Pearl Harbor barely letting anyone survive. America decided to send a fleet over and destroy them. The fleet carried nuclear bombs and flattened Japan. We now entered the World War II not only concerned about the things in our own border, but also concerned about the war in Europe.

We not only destroyed Japan and made sure that they would surrender, but we also sent ships, fleets of jet airplanes, and many troops to Germany and other countries that they were conquering. America now became aware of not only of our country, but of others, too.

Japan's decision of attacking Pearl Harbor led America into the war and destroying Japan. This also led America to Germany, ending World War II.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. The writer suggests a controlling idea but demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and completes few parts of the task. The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The author seems to be implying that the attack on Pearl Harbor was an event that represented the act of crossing the Rubicon but does not state so explicitly. The author needs to provide a clearer and immediately noticeable thesis. (“We now entered the World War II not only concerned about the things in

our own border, but also concerned about the war in Europe.”) Overall, it sounds sufficiently formal, but lack of content makes it difficult to fully assess the author’s tone.

Content & Development

The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support. There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. (“America now became aware of not only of our

country, but of others, too.”) Educated readers may understand the author’s purpose and intent, but readers unfamiliar with the topic will have difficulty tying these statements to the thesis. Additional details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea.

Organization

ending World War II.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. Sentence lengths are short and transitions are needed. The style is somewhat formal, but it is too brief to fully assess. Certain words or phrases are overused. (“Japan's decision of attacking Pearl Harbor led America into the war and destroying Japan.”) For a high school student, the language usage is less than adequate, and it is difficult to fully assess the overall quality because of the lack of content.

Mechanics & Conventions

There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not end each sentence with a punctuation mark or begin each sentence with a capital letter. There are very few immediately apparent errors, and the response is very brief. There are some oddly phrased sentences scattered throughout the essay. (“We now entered the World War II not only concerned about the things in our own border, but also concerned about the war in Europe.”)

Model Essay

The decision of a single person can affect the whole world. The consequences of these decisions can be good or bad. One person who had a significant impact on the world was the author J. K. Rowling. She is the writer of one of the most well known book series, Harry Potter. The impact she had on the world may not seem important compared to that of inventors and rulers, but in the modern world media plays a major role in shaping society.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The author seems to generally understand the purpose of the essay, but he/she does not successfully communicate a clear and concise thesis about how

J.K. Rowling has “crossed the Rubicon.” (“The impact she had on the world may not seem important compared to that of inventors and rulers, but in the modern world media plays a major role in shaping society.”)

Content & Development

The writer fails to develop ideas and uses no details for support. Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. The author says that J.K. Rowling has crossed the Rubicon and has

had a significant effect on the world, but he/she provides no examples of how this is so. (“The impact she had on the world may not seem important compared to that of inventors and rulers, but in the modern world media plays a major role in shaping society.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure, no introduction or conclusion, and no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices. There is an attempt made to provide a reasonably creative

introduction, but it is very brief and not very engaging. (“The decision of a single person can affect the whole world.”) There is an introduction and a thesis statement, but there are no other supporting facts. Paragraphing and transitions are not used. There is no conclusion; the essay ends with the thesis statement.

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. Sentence lengths are short and transitions are needed. The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. The language use and sentence flow are generally correct and easy to understand, but it is far too brief to fully assess the writer’s capabilities. (“She is the writer of one of the most well known book series, Harry Potter.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Often, essays at this level have major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the message. The text is not indented when beginning a new paragraph, and each sentence does not begin with a capital letter. In this case, there are few errors present, but the brevity of the response makes the author’s capabilities impossible to determine. (“The consequences of these decisions can be good or bad.”)

Cultures all throughout the world celebrate a variety of special and meaningful holidays. These holidays are special because of historic or religious events associated with them, and often include unique traditions. Is there a unique holiday that you celebrate or have always wanted to celebrate? What is it about this holiday that interests you?

In a well-developed essay, describe a holiday that interests you or in which you participate. Include facts and details on the significance of the holiday and its associated traditions to support your description.

Model Essay

My mind wandered as I stared up at the blinking lights above my head. Their glow was hypnotic, and I felt myself caught up in the cheer of their radiance. My eyes flickered over to the rest if the lights, wound in spirals around the evergreen tree. Rows of tinsel covered the lights in some places and reflected tiny dots of colored light onto the room. I leaned back in my chair taking in the beautiful sights and sounds that enveloped my living room. I look another sip of my hot chocolate and found myself smiling. Many people are fond of Christmas and get caught up in the holiday spirit. It's a joy filled holiday where almost everyone can have a good time. I find Christmas my favorite holiday because of the holiday cheer, the presents, and the time spent with family and friends.

During Christmas time everything seems to be more light-hearted. Christmas tunes play out of the radio and are singing in almost every store. The weather is cool, making it perfect for the Christmas festivals. Everything is adorned in Christmas decor. Everyone seems to be into the spirit of Christmas, from the house covered in lights to the lone reindeer sitting in a grassy yard. Christmas is a time filled with fun and cheer. During Halloween and Thanksgiving there is a festive air, to me nothing competes with the feeling of Christmas.

Another reason Christmas is my favorite holiday is because of the presents. It's a petty statement, but none the less, who can admit not being anxious about the gifts awaiting them in the morning. Decorated in crisp colors and addressed to you. It's a sensation I can not decline having. You receive presents on your Birthday, but Christmas is filled with a different kind of feeling. Waking up to a tree filled with ornaments and lights, and there at the base a morsel or two for you glowing a million shades of color under the bright shadow of the tree. It's something that brings back fond memories for me, memories that have carried my love of Christmas through the years.

Through it all, the best part of Christmas is the time I spend with my family and friends. Every Christmas Eve my family gathers together beneath the tree. We take a group picture, glowing lights, smiles, and all. After that me and my younger brother select one present to open tonight. This tradition has gone on as long as I can remember. Though the amount of times it has been repeated, it still holds a sweet place in my heart. On Christmas morning my Grandparents drive down from Orlando. We all huddle on the couches and open the presents under the tree. My father sits in the corner, capturing the whole scene on this video camera. Every Christmas he does this, and will probably do it for every Christmas to come. After opening presents we usually have a light lunch and spend the rest of the day out and about enjoying each others' company. A couple of friends and I will usually go to a festival at a local park sometime during the day. It's one of the highlights of my year, spending this happy time with people I know. The time I spend with my family and friends at Christmas is priceless.

So, all in all, Christmas is definitely my favorite time of the year. I love the joy, and fun that comes with the holiday season. I enjoy the feeling of waking up to a bundle of presents waiting under the tree. Most of

all, though, I love the time that I get to be with my family and friends. Christmas, to me, is an amazing, wonderful holiday filled with the joy and holiday spirit. On Christmas Eve I'm filled with a joy and nail biting itch, the morning seems to be so close, but yet so far away. My younger brother prods be on the shoulder. "We have to go to bed or Santa won't come," he whines. I smile and follow him as he pushes me up to my room. I fall onto my bed, tiredness quickly overcoming me. I close my eyes, remembering the age of rhyme about children asleep in their beds, dreams of candy canes and sugar plums dancing in their heads. Through the silence I hear sleigh bells.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This model essay conveys very effective focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea, demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes all parts of the task, even going beyond the limits of the task.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by very effectively using an engaging statement in the beginning of the introduction. (“My mind wandered as I stared up at the blinking lights above my head. Their glow was hypnotic, and I felt myself caught up in the cheer of their radiance. My eyes flickered over to the rest if the lights, wound in spirals around the evergreen tree. Rows of tinsel covered the lights in some places and reflected tiny dots of colored light onto the room. I leaned back in my chair taking in the beautiful sights and sounds that enveloped my living room. I look another sip of my hot chocolate and found myself smiling. Many people are fond of Christmas and get caught up in the holiday spirit. It's a joy filled holiday where almost everyone can have a good time. I find Christmas my favorite holiday because of the holiday cheer, the presents, and the time spent with family and friends.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central or controlling idea very effectively. (“During Christmas time everything seems to be more light-hearted. Christmas tunes play out of the radio and are singing in almost every store. The weather is cool, making it perfect for the Christmas festivals. Everything is adorned in Christmas decor. Everyone seems to be into the spirit of Christmas, from the house covered in lights to the lone reindeer sitting in a grassy yard. Christmas is a time filled with fun and cheer. During Halloween and Thanksgiving there is a festive air, to me nothing competes with the feeling of Christmas.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“I find Christmas my favorite holiday because of the holiday cheer, the presents, and the time spent with family and friends.”)

Content & Development

The essay is comprised of very effective content and development. Ideas are developed fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details for support.

The content in the body paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“Through it all, the best part of Christmas is the time I spend with my family and friends. Every Christmas Eve my family gathers together beneath the tree. We take a group picture, glowing lights, smiles, and all. After that me and my younger brother select one present to open tonight. This tradition has gone on as long as I can remember. Though the amount of times it has been repeated, it still holds a sweet place in my heart. On Christmas morning my Grandparents drive down from Orlando. We all huddle on the couches and open the presents under the tree. My father sits in the corner, capturing the whole scene on this video camera. Every Christmas he does this, and will probably do it for every Christmas to come. After opening presents we usually have a light lunch and spend the rest of the day out and about enjoying each others' company. A couple of friends and I will usually go to a festival at a local park sometime during the day. It's one of the highlights of my year, spending this happy time with people I know. The time I spend with my family and friends at Christmas is priceless.”)

Specific information regarding why Christmas is the writer’s favorite holiday is developed very effectively. (“Another reason Christmas is my favorite holiday is because of the presents. It's a petty statement, but none the less, who can admit not being anxious about the gifts awaiting them in the morning. Decorated in

crisp colors and addressed to you. It's a sensation I can not decline having. You receive presents on your Birthday, but Christmas is filled with a different kind of feeling. Waking up to a tree filled with ornaments and lights, and there at the base a morsel or two for you glowing a million shades of color under the bright shadow of the tree. It's something that brings back fond memories for me, memories that have carried my love of Christmas through the years.”)

The essay includes facts and statistics, examples, brief narratives, or explanations that tell a small story about each of the main ideas. (“On Christmas Eve I'm filled with a joy and nail biting itch, the morning

seems to be so close, but yet so far away. My younger brother prods be on the shoulder. ‘We have to go to bed or Santa won't come,’ he whines. I smile and follow him as he pushes me up to my room. I fall onto my bed, tiredness quickly overcoming me. I close my eyes, remembering the age of rhyme about children asleep in their beds, dreams of candy canes and sugar plums dancing in their heads. Through the silence I hear sleigh bells.”)

Organization

This essay is characterized by very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, effective use of paragraphing, and effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“My mind wandered as I stared up at the blinking lights above my head. Their glow was hypnotic, and I felt myself caught up in the cheer of their radiance. My eyes flickered over to the rest if the lights, wound in spirals around the evergreen tree. Rows of tinsel covered the lights in some places and reflected tiny dots of colored light onto the room. I leaned back in my chair taking in the beautiful sights and sounds that enveloped my living room. I look another sip of my hot chocolate and found myself smiling. Many people are fond of Christmas and get caught up in the holiday spirit. It's a joy filled holiday where almost everyone can have a good time. I find Christmas my favorite holiday because of the holiday cheer, the presents, and the time spent with family and friends.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“Through it all, the best part of Christmas is the time I spend with my family and friends. …So, all in all, Christmas is definitely my favorite time of the year.”)

The introduction and conclusion are very effectively connected through the use of a personal anecdote.

(“My mind wandered as I stared up at the blinking lights above my head. Their glow was hypnotic, and I felt myself caught up in the cheer of their radiance. My eyes flickered over to the rest if the lights, wound in spirals around the evergreen tree. Rows of tinsel covered the lights in some places and reflected tiny dots of colored light onto the room. I leaned back in my chair taking in the beautiful sights and sounds that enveloped my living room. I look another sip of my hot chocolate and found myself smiling. Many people are fond of Christmas and get caught up in the holiday spirit. It's a joy filled holiday where almost everyone can have a good time. I find Christmas my favorite holiday because of the holiday cheer, the presents, and

the time spent with family and friends. …So, all in all, Christmas is definitely my favorite time of the year. I love the joy, and fun that comes with the holiday season. I enjoy the feeling of waking up to a bundle of presents waiting under the tree. Most of all, though, I love the time that I get to be with my family and friends. Christmas, to me, is an amazing, wonderful holiday filled with the joy and holiday spirit. On Christmas Eve I'm filled with a joy and nail biting itch, the morning seems to be so close, but yet so far away. My younger brother prods be on the shoulder. ‘We have to go to bed or Santa won't come,’ he whines. I smile and follow him as he pushes me up to my room. I fall onto my bed, tiredness quickly overcoming me. I close my eyes, remembering the age of rhyme about children asleep in their beds, dreams of candy canes and sugar plums dancing in their heads. Through the silence I hear sleigh bells.”)

Language Use & Style

Very effective use of language and style is seen in this essay. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience; well-structured and varied sentences are also present.

Language and tone are consistent. (“During Christmas time everything seems to be more light-hearted. Christmas tunes play out of the radio and are singing in almost every store. The weather is cool, making it perfect for the Christmas festivals. Everything is adorned in Christmas decor. Everyone seems to be into

the spirit of Christmas, from the house covered in lights to the lone reindeer sitting in a grassy yard.”)

singing in almost every store. The weather is cool, making it perfect for the Christmas festivals. Everything is adorned in Christmas decor. Everyone seems to be into the spirit of Christmas, from the house covered in lights to the lone reindeer sitting in a grassy yard. Christmas is a time filled with fun and cheer. During Halloween and Thanksgiving there is a festive air, to me nothing competes with the feeling of Christmas.

…Another reason Christmas is my favorite holiday is because of the presents. It's a petty statement, but none the less, who can admit not being anxious about the gifts awaiting them in the morning. Decorated in crisp colors and addressed to you. It's a sensation I can not decline having. You receive presents on your Birthday, but Christmas is filled with a different kind of feeling. Waking up to a tree filled with ornaments and lights, and there at the base a morsel or two for you glowing a million shades of color under the bright shadow of the tree. It's something that brings back fond memories for me, memories that have carried my love of Christmas through the years.”)

The following compound sentence is used effectively: “Their glow was hypnotic, and I felt myself caught up in the cheer of their radiance.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions. Few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are present. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“A couple of friends and I will usually go to a festival at a local park sometime during the day. It's one of the highlights of my year, spending this happy time with people I know. The time I spend with my family and friends at Christmas is priceless.”)

Model Essay

Each year, like clockwork...well, if clockwork were to come at different times each year...Hanukkah comes along. Presents, dreidel games, chocolate gelt, and the festive menorah dominate eight days out of the year while the rest (or a vast majority) of the world bakes cookies for Santa Claus. Eight nights, in seventeen years of existence...that means that at the end of this year, I will have celebrated one hundred and thirty six nights of Hanukkah. That's a lot of nights, and a lot of lights. But there's more that makes this holiday appealing to me than presents, food, and games. Hanukkah is an exciting holiday that comes, like all Jewish holidays, with a beautiful story, and comes with glorious family traditions that I look forward to every year.

The Jewish people have always emerged from persecution with new faith and belief in God and themselves as a people. The story of Hanukkah could be called the hallmark of this belief. The Maccabees, a small Jewish army, came to find their temple destroyed after it had been sacked by a much larger army, even after the Maccabees had emerged victorious. The Maccabees could have accepted their temple's destruction and

left it destroyed. But, in the tradition of the Jewish people, they went about the process of rebuilding their temple. They found their candelabra, the menorah, which had enough oil to last only one day. But it lasted eight days, a testimony to the fact that the Jewish people will rise again, that they will not be downtrodden, that they will continue to rebuild.

My family has their own traditions. I have dubbed the tradition "Open Your Presents Really Fast, Make As Much Of A Mess As Possible, And Make Everything As Confusing As You Possibly Can." This tradition consists of everybody in the family having a pile of presents in a living room. We congregate in the living room next to our piles. Somebody says "Go!" or something, but I never hear it. I know when to start based on the cacophony that erupts in the room of ripping paper and squeals, of shoving and pushing, of opening boxes and counting money. This commotion lasts for about five minutes, and then it's over, the living room a deserted battle scene of Jewish star wrapping paper, Macy's clothing boxes, and empty envelopes. This tradition has been in my family for as long as I can remember, and it's always the same - the build-up before the opening of the presents, each box sitting there quietly, a mystery of blue and gold; the confusion...and anger ("That's my box! It says my name on it! It does! Stop opening my present! STOP OPENING MY PRESENT!!!!!!!!"), and the rest of the evening afterwards, as people try on sweaters and test out gadgets, as grandparents are hugged and parents shake their heads at yet another video game. It's a tradition that defines my family like the story of Hanukkah defines the Jewish people.

With as crazy as these past few weeks have been, I have not really had time to reflect on the fact that Hanukkah is just around the corner. Hanukkah is a holiday that I love, a holiday characterized by heartwarming story and traditions, by how my family makes this holiday as crazy as we are.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are apparent in this essay. It establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience while completing most parts of the task.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by using an interesting statement or a question in the beginning of the introduction. (“Each year, like clockwork...well, if clockwork were to come at different times each year...Hanukkah comes along. Presents, dreidel games, chocolate gelt, and the festive menorah dominate eight days out of the year while the rest [or a vast majority] of the world bakes cookies for Santa Claus.

Eight nights, in seventeen years of existence...that means that at the end of this year, I will have celebrated one hundred and thirty six nights of Hanukkah.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central or controlling idea. (“My family has their own traditions. I have dubbed the tradition ‘Open Your Presents Really Fast, Make As Much Of A Mess As

Possible, And Make Everything As Confusing As You Possibly Can.’ This tradition consists of everybody in the family having a pile of presents in a living room. We congregate in the living room next to our piles. Somebody says ‘Go!’ or something, but I never hear it. I know when to start based on the cacophony that erupts in the room of ripping paper and squeals, of shoving and pushing, of opening boxes and counting money. This commotion lasts for about five minutes, and then it's over, the living room a deserted battle scene of Jewish star wrapping paper, Macy's clothing boxes, and empty envelopes.”)

The language of the thesis fits the effective examples very well. (“Hanukkah is an exciting holiday that comes, like all Jewish holidays, with a beautiful story, and comes with glorious family traditions that I look forward to every year.”)

Content & Development

The essay contains good content and development. Ideas are developed clearly, using sufficient appropriate details as support.

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of each topic sentence. (“The Jewish people have always emerged from persecution with new faith and belief in God and themselves as a people. The story of Hanukkah could be called the hallmark of this belief. The Maccabees, a small Jewish army, came to find their temple destroyed after it had been sacked by a much larger army, even after the Maccabees had emerged victorious. The Maccabees could have accepted their temple's destruction and left it destroyed. But, in the tradition of the Jewish people, they went about the process of rebuilding their temple. They found their candelabra, the menorah, which had enough oil to last only one day. But it lasted eight days, a testimony to the fact that the Jewish people will rise again, that they will not be downtrodden, that they will continue to rebuild.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“The Jewish people have always emerged from persecution with new faith and belief in God and themselves as a people. The story of Hanukkah could be called the hallmark of this belief. The Maccabees, a small Jewish army, came to find their temple destroyed after it had been sacked by a much larger army, even after the Maccabees had emerged victorious. The Maccabees could have accepted their temple's destruction and left it destroyed. But, in the tradition of the Jewish people, they went about the process of rebuilding their temple. They found their candelabra, the menorah, which had enough oil to last only one day. But it lasted eight days, a testimony to the fact that the Jewish people will rise again, that they will not be downtrodden, that they will continue to rebuild.”)

Specific information about the writer’s annual Hanukkah celebration is developed clearly. (“My family has their own traditions. I have dubbed the tradition ‘Open Your Presents Really Fast, Make As Much Of A Mess As Possible, And Make Everything As Confusing As You Possibly Can.’ This tradition consists of everybody in the family having a pile of presents in a living room. We congregate in the living room next

to our piles. Somebody says ‘Go!’ or something, but I never hear it. I know when to start based on the cacophony that erupts in the room of ripping paper and squeals, of shoving and pushing, of opening boxes and counting money. This commotion lasts for about five minutes, and then it's over, the living room a

deserted battle scene of Jewish star wrapping paper, Macy's clothing boxes, and empty envelopes.”)

Organization

Good organization is evident to readers of this essay. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, as well as consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates an effective introduction. (“Each year, like clockwork...well, if clockwork were to come at different times each year...Hanukkah comes along. Presents, dreidel games, chocolate gelt, and the festive menorah dominate eight days out of the year while the rest [or a vast majority] of the world bakes cookies for Santa Claus. Eight nights, in seventeen years of existence...that means that at the end of this year, I will have celebrated one hundred and thirty six nights of Hanukkah. That's a lot of nights, and a lot of lights. But there's more that makes this holiday appealing to me than presents, food, and games.

Hanukkah is an exciting holiday that comes, like all Jewish holidays, with a beautiful story, and comes with glorious family traditions that I look forward to every year.”)

The introduction includes adequate background information about the topic. (“Each year, like clockwork...well, if clockwork were to come at different times each year...Hanukkah comes along. Presents, dreidel games, chocolate gelt, and the festive menorah dominate eight days out of the year while the rest [or a vast majority] of the world bakes cookies for Santa Claus. Eight nights, in seventeen years of existence...that means that at the end of this year, I will have celebrated one hundred and thirty six nights of Hanukkah. That's a lot of nights, and a lot of lights. But there's more that makes this holiday appealing to me than presents, food, and games. Hanukkah is an exciting holiday that comes, like all Jewish holidays, with a beautiful story, and comes with glorious family traditions that I look forward to every year.”)

The conclusion effectively leaves the readers with something to think about. (“With as crazy as these past few weeks have been, I have not really had time to reflect on the fact that Hanukkah is just around the corner. Hanukkah is a holiday that I love, a holiday characterized by heartwarming story and traditions, by how my family makes this holiday as crazy as we are.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in the essay is good. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; in addition, the writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety.

The language and tone are consistent. (“Each year, like clockwork...well, if clockwork were to come at different times each year...Hanukkah comes along. Presents, dreidel games, chocolate gelt, and the festive menorah dominate eight days out of the year while the rest [or a vast majority] of the world bakes cookies for Santa Claus. Eight nights, in seventeen years of existence...that means that at the end of this year, I will have celebrated one hundred and thirty six nights of Hanukkah. That's a lot of nights, and a lot of lights. … My family has their own traditions. I have dubbed the tradition ‘Open Your Presents Really Fast, Make As Much Of A Mess As Possible, And Make Everything As Confusing As You Possibly Can.’ This tradition consists of everybody in the family having a pile of presents in a living room. We congregate in the living room next to our piles. Somebody says ‘Go!’ or something, but I never hear it. I know when to start based on the cacophony that erupts in the room of ripping paper and squeals, of shoving and pushing, of opening boxes and counting money.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the third body paragraph and the conclusion are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the

essay. (“My family has their own traditions. I have dubbed the tradition ‘Open Your Presents Really Fast, Make As Much Of A Mess As Possible, And Make Everything As Confusing As You Possibly Can.’ This tradition consists of everybody in the family having a pile of presents in a living room. We congregate in the living room next to our piles. Somebody says ‘Go!’ or something, but I never hear it. I know when to start based on the cacophony that erupts in the room of ripping paper and squeals, of shoving and pushing, of opening boxes and counting money. This commotion lasts for about five minutes, and then it's over, the living room a deserted battle scene of Jewish star wrapping paper, Macy's clothing boxes, and empty envelopes. This tradition has been in my family for as long as I can remember, and it's always the same - the build-up before the opening of the presents, each box sitting there quietly, a mystery of blue and gold; the confusion...and anger [‘That's my box! It says my name on it! It does! Stop opening my present! STOP OPENING MY PRESENT!!!!!!!!’], and the rest of the evening afterwards, as people try on sweaters and test out gadgets, as grandparents are hugged and parents shake their heads at yet another video game. It's a tradition that defines my family like the story of Hanukkah defines the Jewish people. …With as crazy as these past few weeks have been, I have not really had time to reflect on the fact that Hanukkah is just around the corner. Hanukkah is a holiday that I love, a holiday characterized by heartwarming story and traditions, by how my family makes this holiday as crazy as we are.”)

The following compound-complex sentence is used effectively: “This commotion lasts for about five minutes, and then it's over, the living room a deserted battle scene of Jewish star wrapping paper, Macy's clothing boxes, and empty envelopes.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer shows good control of mechanics and conventions in his/her essay. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, which do not interfere with the message. For example, most sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“With as crazy as these past few weeks have been, I have not really had time to reflect on the fact that Hanukkah is just around the corner. Hanukkah is a holiday that I love, a holiday characterized by

heartwarming story and traditions, by how my family makes this holiday as crazy as we are.”)

Model Essay

No holiday is a bad holiday. Each holiday is unique in its own special way. If I had to say what my favorite holiday of the year is, it would probably be Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving has the perfect combination of the three important "F's"- food, football, and family.

When people think of Thanksgiving, the first thing that comes to mind is usually the Thanksgiving feast. The feast consists of turkey, potatoes, stuffing, dumplings, corn, and cornbread. After dinner, the dessert usually consists of all kinds of pie- apple pie, sweet potato pie, pumpkin pie, etc. The great thing about the Thanksgiving feast is there's so much food you can literally "eat till you drop."

Another tradition commonly associated with Thanksgiving would be football. Every year the Detroit Lions and the Dallas Cowboys each play home games on Thanksgiving. Some years the games are between good teams. Other years the games end in blowouts, like this year's Titans-Lions game. Aside from the NFL games, it is a tradition with me, my cousins, and some of my friends that every Thanksgiving we play a massive football game of our own. This year's game was particularly exciting. In the 4th quarter on the last play of the game, my team was trailing 21-14. I knew we needed to score a touchdown to tie the game, so I threw a long deep pass to my younger brother. As I released the ball, I knew it was a good throw, but I was nervous because my brother had already dropped three passes earlier in the game. Luckily he managed to make the catch, and instead of taking the free extra point, we decided to go for the two point conversion to win the game. In a formation similar to the wildcat formation used by the Miami Dolphins, my brother (the running back) lined up in the quarterback's position, and I lined up at wide receiver. My brother took the snap and ran it into the endzone for the two point conversion, and for the first time in four years, my team won the game!

Lastly, Thanksgiving is a time for families to come together. My grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins all came to our Thanksgiving dinner. It was great to spend time with them because I don't get to see some members of my family that often since they live far away. Whether watching football, playing football, or just relaxing, it was nice to spend some time with family that I don't see very often.

In conclusion, although I honestly enjoy all holidays, my favorite holiday would have to be Thanksgiving. The food, football, and family make Thanksgiving my favorite holiday!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Adequate focus and meaning can be detected from reading this essay. The writer establishes a controlling idea, demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes many parts of the task.

The thesis states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. (“Thanksgiving has the perfect combination of the three important "F's"- food, football, and family.”)

The essay understands the intended audience adequately. (“When people think of Thanksgiving, the first thing that comes to mind is usually the Thanksgiving feast. The feast consists of turkey, potatoes, stuffing, dumplings, corn, and cornbread. After dinner, the dessert usually consists of all kinds of pie- apple pie, sweet potato pie, pumpkin pie, etc. The great thing about the Thanksgiving feast is there's so much food you can literally ‘eat till you drop.’”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience. (“Another tradition commonly associated with Thanksgiving would be football. Every year the Detroit Lions and the Dallas Cowboys each play home games on Thanksgiving. Some years the games are between good teams.”)

Content & Development

This essay displays adequate content and development. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support.

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Lastly, Thanksgiving is a time for families to come together. My grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins all came to our Thanksgiving dinner. It was great to spend time with them because I don't get to see some members of my family that often since they live far away. Whether watching football, playing football, or just relaxing, it was nice to spend some time with family that I don't see very often.”)

The main ideas of the first body paragraph adequately support the thesis. (“When people think of Thanksgiving, the first thing that comes to mind is usually the Thanksgiving feast. The feast consists of turkey, potatoes, stuffing, dumplings, corn, and cornbread. After dinner, the dessert usually consists of all kinds of pie- apple pie, sweet potato pie, pumpkin pie, etc. The great thing about the Thanksgiving feast is there's so much food you can literally ‘eat till you drop.’”)

The essay includes facts and statistics, examples, and brief narratives or explanations about each of the

main ideas. (“Another tradition commonly associated with Thanksgiving would be football. Every year the Detroit Lions and the Dallas Cowboys each play home games on Thanksgiving. Some years the games are between good teams. Other years the games end in blowouts, like this year's Titans-Lions game. Aside from the NFL games, it is a tradition with me, my cousins, and some of my friends that every Thanksgiving we play a massive football game of our own. This year's game was particularly exciting. In the 4th quarter on the last play of the game, my team was trailing 21-14. I knew we needed to score a touchdown to tie the game, so I threw a long deep pass to my younger brother. As I released the ball, I knew it was a good throw, but I was nervous because my brother had already dropped three passes earlier in the game. Luckily he managed to make the catch, and instead of taking the free extra point, we decided to go for the two point conversion to win the game. In a formation similar to the wildcat formation used by the Miami Dolphins, my brother [the running back] lined up in the quarterback's position, and I lined up at wide receiver. My brother took the snap and ran it into the endzone for the two point conversion, and for the first time in four years, my team won the game!”)

Organization

Adequate organization is apparent in this essay. It demonstrates a generally unified structure and a noticeable introduction and conclusion, but inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices is present.

The introduction ends with an adequate thesis statement. (“No holiday is a bad holiday. Each holiday is unique in its own special way. If I had to say what my favorite holiday of the year is, it would probably be Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving has the perfect combination of the three important ‘F's’- food, football, and family.”)

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“No holiday is a bad holiday. Each holiday is unique in its own special way. If I had to say what my favorite holiday of the year is, it would probably be Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving has the perfect combination of the three important ‘F's’- food, football, and family.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. (“Lastly, Thanksgiving is a time for families to come together.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style within the essay is adequate. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice; furthermore, the writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“Another tradition commonly associated with Thanksgiving would be football. Every year the Detroit Lions and the Dallas Cowboys each play home games on Thanksgiving. Some years the games are between good teams. Other years the games end in blowouts, like this year's Titans-Lions game. Aside from the NFL games, it is a tradition with me, my cousins, and some of my friends that every Thanksgiving we play a massive football game of our own. This year's game was particularly exciting.”)

Exact and specific words, such as “unique” and “tradition” from the research and the prompt task, are used adequately. (“Each holiday is unique in its own special way. …Another tradition commonly associated

with Thanksgiving would be football.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor. (“No holiday is a bad holiday.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Adequate control of mechanics and conventions is exhibited in this essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“My brother took the snap and ran it into the

endzone for the two point conversion, and for the first time in four years, my team won the game!”)

Model Essay

Trick or treat smell my feet give me something good to eat I love Halloween. Its one of my favorite Holiday's because I get lots of delicious candy, I get to walk around with my friends, and all the kids dress up in costumes that's why Halloween is my favorite Holliday.

To be honest Halloween is known for candy all kids love candy and that's why Halloween is mainly everyone favorite Holliday. I like to go door to door and get different candy its very fun. I, love candy alot I will eat it all day if I can. Twix is my favorite candy so when I go door to door that's what I mainly look for. When I go home I sort out all the candy and eat it all but sometimes I bring it to school and we trade each other candy wow I just love Halloween candy.

Another reason why Halloween is my favorite Holliday is because I get to walk around with my friends, Every year on Halloween we all get together and walk around Stuart. Sometimes we don't even trick or treat we just basically walk and have fun my friends are very outgoing but loud and obnoxious at the same time but the cool at times I love them all.

Last but certainly not least, the last reason why Halloween is my favorite Holliday is because of the outstanding costumes. The costumes are so cool. Everyone has their own styles, but mostly the scary ones are the best because they look so real. They're very astonishing and I think they should have best costume contest. I honestly think it would be a tie but that's just my opinion.

To conclude Halloween is my favorite Holliday because of the delicious candy, my wonderful friends, and the outstanding costumes those are the three reasons why Halloween is my favorite Holliday.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay shows limited focus and meaning. The writer establishes a controlling idea but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience while completing only some parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“Another reason why Halloween is my favorite Holliday is because I get to walk around with my friends, Every year on Halloween we all get together and walk around Stuart. Sometimes we don't even trick or treat we just basically walk and have fun my friends are very outgoing but loud and obnoxious at the same time but the cool at times I love them all.”)

The essay states a limited central or controlling idea. (“Trick or treat smell my feet give me something good to eat I love Halloween. Its one of my favorite Holiday's because I get lots of delicious candy, I get to walk around with my friends, and all the kids dress up in costumes that's why Halloween is my favorite Holliday.”)

The writing style is not always appropriate for the audience. (“Trick or treat smell my feet give me something good to eat I love Halloween.”)

Content & Development

Content and development appear to be limited in this essay. Ideas are developed briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support.

There is a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Another reason why Halloween is my favorite Holliday is because I get to walk around with my friends, Every year on Halloween we all get together and walk around Stuart. Sometimes we don't even trick or treat we just basically walk and have fun my friends are very outgoing but loud and obnoxious at the same time but the cool at times I love them all.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“Last but certainly not least, the last reason why Halloween is my favorite Holliday is because of the outstanding costumes. The costumes are so cool. Everyone has their own styles, but mostly the scary ones are the best because they look so real. They're very astonishing and I think they should have best costume contest. I honestly think it would be a tie but that's just my opinion.”)

Four to five supporting details are not used to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“To be honest Halloween is known for candy all kids love candy and that's why Halloween is mainly everyone favorite Holliday. I like to go door to door and get different candy its very fun. I, love candy alot I will eat it all day if I can. Twix is my favorite candy so when I go door to door that's what I mainly look for. When I go home I sort out all the candy and eat it all but sometimes I bring it to school and we trade each other candy wow I just love Halloween candy.”)

Organization

Limited organization is seen in the essay. It demonstrates evidence of structure, with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, and lacks some transitional devices.

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“Trick or treat smell my feet give me something good to eat I love Halloween. Its one of my favorite Holiday's because I get lots of delicious candy, I get to walk around with my friends, and all the kids dress up in costumes that's why Halloween is my favorite Holliday.”)

The introduction attempts to include a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“Its one of my favorite Holiday's because I get lots of delicious candy, I get to walk around with my friends, and all the kids dress up in costumes that's why Halloween is my favorite Holliday.”)

The conclusion attempts to summarize the main points of the essay. (“To conclude Halloween is my favorite Holliday because of the delicious candy, my wonderful friends, and the outstanding costumes those are the three reasons why Halloween is my favorite Holliday.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits limited use of language and style. It demonstrates simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and a reliance on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“Trick or treat smell my feet give me something good to eat I love Halloween. Its one of my favorite Holiday's because I get lots of delicious candy, I get to walk around with my friends, and all the kids dress up in costumes that's why Halloween is my favorite Holliday.”)

Sentence lengths are short. (“The costumes are so cool.”)

The style is not formal. (“Trick or treat smell my feet give me something good to eat I love Halloween.

…Sometimes we don't even trick or treat we just basically walk and have fun my friends are very outgoing but loud and obnoxious at the same time but the cool at times I love them all. …Last but certainly not least, the last reason why Halloween is my favorite Holliday is because of the outstanding costumes. The

costumes are so cool.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Limited control of mechanics and conventions is apparent to readers of this essay. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message. For example, each sentence should have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital

letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“To be honest Halloween is known for candy all kids love candy and that's why Halloween is mainly everyone favorite Holliday. I like to go door to door and get different candy its very fun. I, love candy alot I will eat it all day if I can.”)

Model Essay

I've always wanted to celebrate Hanukkah is seven days of gifs in the Jewish tradition and, it's also called the seven days of light. One of the reasons I want to try this because you get seven days of gifts instead of one day of gifts and you and your family of can get together for seven days instead of one. And during the seven day each day that you celebrate it's tradition to light a candle for each day that you celebrate because it's suppose to remind you of the seven lights the Jews have so many great traditions like there church is much longer and much quieter and much prettier.

The first reason I like it is because on regular christmas you only have one day to get together and in Hanukkah you get seven

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay in question demonstrates minimal focus and meaning. It suggests a controlling idea but shows minimal understanding of the purpose and audience, thereby completing few parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“The first reason I like it is because on regular christmas you only have one day to get together and in Hanukkah you get seven”)

The essay does not state the central or controlling idea. (“I've always wanted to celebrate Hanukkah is seven days of gifs in the Jewish tradition and, it's also called the seven days of light. One of the reasons I want to try this because you get seven days of gifts instead of one day of gifts and you and your family of

can get together for seven days instead of one. And during the seven day each day that you celebrate it's tradition to light a candle for each day that you celebrate because it's suppose to remind you of the seven lights the Jews have so many great traditions like there church is much longer and much quieter and much prettier.”)

In the introduction, the supporting idea of the essay is not stated. (“I've always wanted to celebrate Hanukkah is seven days of gifs in the Jewish tradition and, it's also called the seven days of light. One of the reasons I want to try this because you get seven days of gifts instead of one day of gifts and you and your family of can get together for seven days instead of one. And during the seven day each day that you celebrate it's tradition to light a candle for each day that you celebrate because it's suppose to remind you of the seven lights the Jews have so many great traditions like there church is much longer and much quieter

and much prettier.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides minimal content and development in the essay. He/she develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. (“The first reason I like it is because on regular christmas you only have one day to get together and in Hanukkah you get seven”)

Details are minimally used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“The first reason I like it is because on regular christmas you only have one day to get together and in Hanukkah you get seven”)

Important details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“I've always wanted to celebrate Hanukkah is seven days of gifs in the Jewish tradition

and, it's also called the seven days of light. One of the reasons I want to try this because you get seven days of gifts instead of one day of gifts and you and your family of can get together for seven days instead of one. And during the seven day each day that you celebrate it's tradition to light a candle for each day that you celebrate because it's suppose to remind you of the seven lights the Jews have so many great traditions like there church is much longer and much quieter and much prettier. …The first reason I like it is because on regular christmas you only have one day to get together and in Hanukkah you get seven”)

Organization

Minimal organization is shown in this essay. It demonstrates little evidence of structure, with a poor introduction and conclusion, and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of a good introduction. (“I've always wanted to celebrate Hanukkah is seven days of gifs in the Jewish tradition and, it's also called the seven days of light. One of the reasons I want to try this because you get seven days of gifts instead of one day of gifts and you and your family of can get together for seven days instead of one. And during the seven day each day that you celebrate it's tradition to light a candle for each day that you celebrate because it's suppose to remind you of the seven lights the Jews have so many great traditions like there church is much longer and much quieter and much prettier.”)

The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“I've always wanted to celebrate Hanukkah is seven days of gifs in the Jewish tradition and, it's also called the seven days of light. One of the reasons I want to try this because you get seven days of gifts instead of one day of gifts and you and your family of can get together for seven days instead of one. And during the seven day each day that you celebrate it's tradition to light a candle for each day that you celebrate because it's suppose to remind you of the seven lights the Jews have so many great traditions like there church is much longer and much quieter

and much prettier.”)

The essay does little to include a strong conclusion or any conclusion at all. (“I've always wanted to celebrate Hanukkah is seven days of gifs in the Jewish tradition and, it's also called the seven days of light.

One of the reasons I want to try this because you get seven days of gifts instead of one day of gifts and you and your family of can get together for seven days instead of one. And during the seven day each day that you celebrate it's tradition to light a candle for each day that you celebrate because it's suppose to remind you of the seven lights the Jews have so many great traditions like there church is much longer and much quieter and much prettier. …The first reason I like it is because on regular christmas you only have one day to get together and in Hanukkah you get seven”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in the essay is minimal. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience; basic errors in sentence structure and usage are also seen.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“I've always wanted to celebrate Hanukkah is seven days of gifs in the Jewish tradition and, it's also called the seven days of light. …And during the seven day each day that you celebrate it's tradition to light a candle for each day that you celebrate because it's suppose to remind you of the seven lights the Jews have so many great traditions like there church is much longer and much quieter and much prettier.”)

Sentence lengths are short. (“The first reason I like it is because on regular christmas you only have one day to get together and in Hanukkah you get seven”)

There is repetition. (“I've always wanted to celebrate Hanukkah is seven days of gifs in the Jewish tradition and, it's also called the seven days of light. One of the reasons I want to try this because you get seven days of gifts instead of one day of gifts and you and your family of can get together for seven days instead of one. And during the seven day each day that you celebrate it's tradition to light a candle for each day that you celebrate because it's suppose to remind you of the seven lights the Jews have so many great traditions like there church is much longer and much quieter and much prettier.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay shows minimal control of the mechanics and conventions of formal writing. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. For example, each sentence does not have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital

letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“The first reason I like it is because on regular christmas you only have one day to get together and in Hanukkah you get seven”)

Model Essay

I chose to write about Thanksgiving. I chose that because I like to eat a lot, and I love my moms cooking. All the time at thanksgiving we eat this big meal, and sometimes all my family comes down and eats with us. My mom cooks really good and that is mostly why I love thanksgiving so much. There are other reason though too.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Focus and meaning within this essay are inadequate. The writer fails to establish a controlling idea and demonstrates no understanding of purpose and audience; no parts of the task are completed.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“I chose to write about Thanksgiving. I chose that because I like to eat a lot, and I

love my moms cooking. All the time at thanksgiving we eat this big meal, and sometimes all my family comes down and eats with us. My mom cooks really good and that is mostly why I love thanksgiving so much. There are other reason though too.”)

The essay does not state the central or controlling idea. (“I chose to write about Thanksgiving. I chose that because I like to eat a lot, and I love my moms cooking. All the time at thanksgiving we eat this big meal, and sometimes all my family comes down and eats with us. My mom cooks really good and that is mostly why I love thanksgiving so much. There are other reason though too.”)

In the introduction, the supporting idea of the essay is not stated. (“I chose to write about Thanksgiving. I chose that because I like to eat a lot, and I love my moms cooking. All the time at thanksgiving we eat this big meal, and sometimes all my family comes down and eats with us. My mom cooks really good and that is mostly why I love thanksgiving so much. There are other reason though too.”)

Content & Development

This essay consists of inadequate content and development. It fails to develop ideas, using no details as support.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central or controlling idea of the essay. (“I chose to write about Thanksgiving. I chose that because I like to eat a lot, and I love my moms cooking. All the time at thanksgiving we eat this big meal, and sometimes all my family comes down and eats with us. My mom cooks really good and that is mostly why I love thanksgiving so much. There are other reason though too.”)

At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. (“I chose to write about Thanksgiving. I chose that because I like to eat a lot, and I love my moms cooking. All the time at thanksgiving we eat this big meal, and sometimes all my family comes down and eats with us. My mom cooks really good and that is mostly why I love thanksgiving so much. There are other reason though too.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“I chose to write about Thanksgiving. I chose that because I like to eat a lot, and I love my moms cooking. All the time at thanksgiving we eat this big meal, and sometimes all my family comes down and eats with us. My mom cooks really good and that is mostly why I love thanksgiving so much. There are other reason though too.”)

Organization

Inadequate organization is apparent to readers of this essay. It demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure, no introduction or conclusion, and no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a good introduction. (“I chose to write about Thanksgiving. I chose that because I like to eat a lot, and I love my moms cooking. All the time at thanksgiving we eat this big meal, and sometimes all my family comes down and eats with us. My mom cooks really good and that is mostly why I love thanksgiving so much. There are other reason though too.”)

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“I chose to write about Thanksgiving. I chose that because I like to eat a lot, and I love my moms cooking. All the time at thanksgiving we eat this big meal, and sometimes all my family comes down and eats with us. My mom cooks really good and that is mostly why I love thanksgiving so much. There are other reason though too.”)

Transitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“I chose to write about Thanksgiving. I chose that because I like to eat a lot, and I love my moms cooking. All the time at thanksgiving we eat this big meal, and sometimes all my family comes down and eats with us. My mom cooks really good and that is mostly why I love thanksgiving so much. There are other reason though too.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style is clearly inadequate. The writing demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentence lengths are short. (“I chose to write about Thanksgiving. …My mom cooks really good and that is mostly why I love thanksgiving so much. There are other reason though too.”)

The essay uses the same group of words to begin two consecutive sentences in the following excerpt: “I chose to write about Thanksgiving. I chose that because I like to eat a lot, and I love my moms cooking.”

Transitions are needed. (“I chose to write about Thanksgiving. I chose that because I like to eat a lot, and I love my moms cooking. All the time at thanksgiving we eat this big meal, and sometimes all my family comes down and eats with us. My mom cooks really good and that is mostly why I love thanksgiving so much. There are other reason though too.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay exhibits inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“My mom cooks really good and that is mostly why I love

thanksgiving so much. There are other reason though too.”)

It is often said that students are in the best position to decide how a school building should be designed. If you were asked to build the ideal school, what features would you include? Why? Write an essay to the new school building committee describing the building features included in your ideal school and why you chose to include those features.

Model Essay

Nothing can determine the way you feel, but a person's environment does a lot to effect their mood and morale. In ugly places, people may feel uncomfortable and rebellious, but in nice places, people are generally happier and more able to learn. It is thus important that through one's educational life, they be exposed to the nicest surroundings possible. That is why I am writing down the guidelines for the perfect school building. In addition to improvements to the campus and the classrooms to make them more appealing, there would be enhanced student amenities to make school more enjoyable. If it were someday built, it would be a utopia for young learners and they would never want to leave.

The campus would have to be an overall beautiful place. It would have sprawling grassy lawns, neatly- trimmed hedges, many trees, and fountains. There would be about twelve one-story brick buildings that hold several classrooms each, and these buildings would be spread out somewhat, with courtyards and lawns and pathways between them. There would also be a pond in the middle of the campus, with a willow tree hanging over it, under which students could sit with their feet in the water on a hot day. The main courtyard would be in the middle of everything. Partly shaded by a vine-covered trellis, and paved in flagstones, this would be the ideal place on campus to eat and socialize. Basically, no student would be at a loss for a good place to just sit and talk.

The classrooms would be equally appealing. Spacious and sunny, their design would be comfortable but would also inspire learning. The student's desks would be rather large with cushioned chairs. When necessary, classrooms would have a sufficient number of computers for student use, and there would always be a shelf of reference texts and other subject-related materials at hand. To ensure students get the most out of their classroom experience, the classes are limited to twenty-four students each.

In addition to the pleasant environment and perfect classrooms, the school has other elements that make it even more enjoyable. Athletics are greatly supported by the school's two green and well-kept fields, two gyms, weight room, and dance hall. The auditorium has a full stage and backstage area, and is roomy enough for all the students' parents to enjoy a school play at once. Other facilities, such as the science laboratory, library, music room, art studio, film room, and photo lab are all state-of-the-art. The food court, which is located next to the main courtyard, is a large indoor cafeteria with five or more types of food to choose from at all times- Italian, Mexican, Chinese, sandwiches, salads, etc.,- and they're all very delicious. Adjacent to the food court is the coffee lounge, complete with a variety of lattes and frappacinos, sofas and tables, as well as live music on Fridays during lunch. Also, student parking is never a problem due to the school's enormous parking structure. As you can see, this school doesn't fail to deliver when it comes to student amenities.

To conclude, the school would clearly be a wonderful place for young people. The pleasant atmosphere would create a harmony between students and teachers alike. The spacious and comfortable campus, well- equipped classrooms and student amenities combine to create a pleasant and effective learning environment. So what are you waiting for, construction people? Get to work!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Thoughtful and well-reasoned, this essay presents a series of practical and exciting features that the author designs into an ideal school. (“In addition to improvements to the campus and the classrooms to make them more appealing, there would be enhanced student amenities to make school more enjoyable.”) The

essay grabs the readers’ attention by very effectively using an interesting, engaging statement or a question at the beginning of the introduction. (“Nothing can determine the way you feel, but a person's environment does a lot to effect their mood and morale. In ugly places, people may feel uncomfortable and rebellious, but in nice places, people are generally happier and more able to learn. ”) The essay is very

effectively focused on the controlling idea with details about “the nicest surroundings possible.” The author displays a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience of this prompt and completely responds to all parts of the assigned task.

Content & Development

The author ties three clearly developed recommendations to each of three body paragraphs. Relevant points explain and illustrate “nice places” very effectively. (“The student's desks would be rather large

with cushioned chairs. Other facilities, such as the science laboratory, library, music room, art studio, film room, and photo lab are all state-of-the-art.”) Still, what makes this response especially powerful is the fact that, even though each feature would be educational, it would be fun for the students as well. This essay

really sells the author’s suggestions!

Organization

This essay displays a very strong organizational structure. The essay very effectively grabs the readers’

attention in the introduction. (“Nothing can determine the way you feel, but a person's environment does a lot to effect their mood and morale. In ugly places, people may feel uncomfortable and rebellious, but in nice places, people are generally happier and more able to learn.”) Moreover, the body of the essay is

cohesive and unified, with effective thesis statements beginning each paragraph. (“The campus would have to be an overall beautiful place. The classrooms would be equally appealing. In addition to the pleasant

environment and perfect classrooms, the school has other elements that make it even more enjoyable.”)

Language Use & Style

The author uses language very effectively in this response. Marked by precise, artful word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience, the essay is knitted together by well-structured and varied sentences. (“The pleasant atmosphere would create a harmony between students and teachers alike. It would have sprawling grassy lawns, neatly-trimmed hedges, many trees, and fountains.)

Mechanics & Conventions

Nearly free of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, the author manages the

conventions and mechanics of writing very effectively. (“When necessary, classrooms would have a sufficient number of computers for student use, and there would always be a shelf of reference texts and other subject-related materials at hand.”)

Model Essay

It is often said that students are in the best position to decide how a school building should be designed. If I was asked to build the ideal school, I would have many features throughout the school and it's campus. I

would include classrooms, lunch cafeterias, and even a seperate building for sports and activities. All of these features would be combined into one campus to make my ideal school.

The first factor that I would build in my ideal school would be its classrooms. In each classroom, I would make sure that I would explain why classrooms are needed, how big the classrooms would be and ensure access to televesion and computers. Classrooms throughout the school would be a major factor because without any rooms, there would be no point in having school. Classrooms are where all the learning activities would be done during the day. I would have specific classrooms for each career profession that I would have offered at my school for students to begin to study. Each classroom would be rather big because small rooms make things harder on the students during the time given for each class. I would also make sure that every classroom has availability of television and computers throughout the room.

Next I would build the lunch cafeteria area where all of the students will eat and socialize with each other. During my lunch cafeteria building process, I would have a large area, quite a few lines, and offer a variety of vending machines. I would build the lunch cafeteria rather large so that way students would not be cramped and will be able to pick and choose where they would like to be best. I would also make sure that there is a rather big selection of things to eat so that way students would have a variety on what they would like to choose for that day of the week and I would also make sure that their is quite a few lines so that way students aren’t waiting in line for long amounts of time. Besides regular lunch, I would also offer a variety of vending machines such as snacks and pops for the students to access.

Finally in building my ideal school, I would build another building just for sports and their activities that the students may use to their benefits in the sports they play, whether it be for school or for a public leauge. In this building, I would offer a weight room, a gym area, and a swimming pool for all of my students to have access too. I believe that the weight room would be great for students to have for workouts that they may do whether it be school related or not. The gym area would of course be for the physical education class that would be offered in the school where students can decide if and when they would like to participate in the class. The swimming pool would be offered for all water sports that the school may be involved in and open until the evening so the students may have access to it.

All of these features combined into one school would make my ideal school to build. It is often said that students are in the best position to build an ideal school and if I was given the opportunity to build my ideal school, I would build a school with classrooms, lunch cafeteria, and a building for sports and activities. All of these combined features would make my idea of of an ideal school.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The recommendations made by this author are specific and reflect the careful thought s/he invested in this issue (“It is often said that students are in the best position to decide how a school building should be

designed. If I was asked to build the ideal school, I would have many features throughout the school and it's campus”). The author remains focused on delivering the controlling idea to the intended audience throughout the course of this essay. With a good understanding of the purpose and audience of this writing prompt, the author handily completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

Over the course of three body paragraphs, the author introduces three specific changes that ought to be incorporated in a new school building. Each recommendation is described clearly, with sufficient

appropriate details, and defended. The author’s suggestion for new classrooms, for example, is emblematic of the kind of development s/he presents in this essay (“The first factor that I would build in my ideal school would be its classrooms … Each classroom would be rather big because small rooms make things harder on the students during the time given for each class. I would also make sure that every classroom

has availability of television and computers throughout the room”).

Organization

This essay shows strong organization. The introduction aptly summarizes the writing prompt and suggests to the reader how the author intends to tackle the challenge (“I would include classrooms, lunch cafeterias, and even a seperate building for sports and activities. All of these features would be combined into one

campus to make my ideal school”). However, the conclusion too closely mimics the introduction and could be improved if it were changed around a little bit. Each of the body paragraphs is tightly organized around one of the author’s three recommendations and is connected by clear transitional statements (“The first

factor that I would build … Next I would build … Finally in building my ideal school”).

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is appropriate for this writing task and audience. By referring repeatedly to the prompt, the author shows the reader that s/he is tuned in to the purpose of this assignment (“It is often said that students are in the best position to decide how a school building should be designed”). Otherwise, the author demonstrates appropriate word choice and uses well-structured sentences with some variety, a few awkward exceptions notwithstanding (“I would also make sure that there is a rather big selection of things to eat so that way students would have a variety on what they would like to choose for that day of

the week and I would also make sure that their is quite a few lines so that way students aren’t waiting in line for long amounts of time”).

Mechanics & Conventions

Overall, the author maintains good control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Yet, this essay is not error-free, and several minor errors in grammar (“students would have a variety on what they would

like”), mechanics (“my idea of of an ideal school”), punctuation, and spelling (“seperate”) are obvious to the reader.

Model Essay

If I could design the ideal school it would include all of the major nescessities of a regular school. There are many things that I would do to make the school a more interesting place. The school would have great learning capabilities and the same great opportunities. It would be a cost free school to attend because there would be no teachers to collect salleries. All of the teaching in the school would be done strictly by computers and televisions.

The only workers in the school would be the workers at the several different resteraunts that would be available for your enjoyment at lunch. It would be a totally self dependant facility. The bathrooms would electronically clean themselves and the floors would be swept by sweepers that ran off of satelites. The total project would cost a lot of money but our schools are headed for this in the future anyhow. The school would be totally based on technology.

The drinking fountains would spew different types of beverages through out the building. There would be co ed activities. If everyone want equal rights for all people, then everything would involve teamwork and doing everything together. There would be no specific dress code because there would be no people to judge how you should and should not dress.

My ideas are far fetched but to me this is the ideal school. I think that if people would stop worrying about petty differences then they could live and learn in a happy enviroment. Technology is running rampant in todays society and our schools are rapidly moving towards totally technologically based.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Creating a school that meets its educational mandate while remaining interesting to students is the stated goal of this author (“If I could design the ideal school it would include all of the major nescessities of a regular school. There are many things that I would do to make the school a more interesting place”). Such a controlling idea is totally appropriate, given the purpose and audience of this prompt. Since the author is able to remain focused on this central idea throughout the essay, it is clear that this essay adequately completes many parts of the assigned task.

Content & Development

The author makes two key recommendations in this essay; the first involves technology (“All of the teaching in the school would be done strictly by computers and televisions”) and the second involves some more comfort-related changes (“The drinking fountains would spew different types of beverages through out the building”). In both cases, the author provides some details to describe and support the recommendations. However, more could be said about both of these intriguing suggestions.

Organization

An adequate introduction and conclusion help focus the reader on the author’s central thesis (“My ideas are far fetched but to me this is the ideal school … Technology is running rampant in todays society and our

schools are rapidly moving towards totally technologically based”), although the body wanders. The reader may notice that the author’s different suggestions are often split among multiple paragraphs. An improved essay would more distinctly organize ideas into distinct paragraphs. The third paragraph, for example, discusses both the improved drinking fountains as well as the change in coed regulations. The second paragraph also wanders between novel bathroom technology and new food services.

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is appropriate for this audience and task. The author demonstrates appropriate language use and word choice, with generally correct sentence structure. In an attempt to anticipate a potential concern in the audience, the author proactively addresses the cost of his/her

recommendations (“The total project would cost a lot of money but our schools are headed for this in the future anyhow. The school would be totally based on technology”).

Mechanics & Conventions

The author demonstrates adequate control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Some errors in grammar (“If everyone want equal rights for all people”), mechanics, punctuation, and spelling (“salleries”) are evident, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the author’s message.

Model Essay

Blue skies, flowers everywhere. Can you imagine? Schools are always boring they are plain and have nothing to them, but guess what life is now going to change because im going to invent my dream school.

First off I would paint my school are colors. I would like the colors orange and silver. I like to be flashy! My dream school will be two stories high and there will be an elevator and wheel chair ramps for the handicap. I would like to have a tv and a radio in all the hallways. Its so boring waking from class to class but if we have some tunes, it would be awesome. The tv's would only be for the daily announcemnets or to wish a happy birthday. They would be on all day so that if you don't have a class you would still see the announcments.

I love sports so my high school has a whole new building for sports. This building is also two stories high. On the bottom there will be an indoor track with a swimming pool in the middle. The the second story will be a weights / tanning/ arobics and a locker room. You are probley wondering what about basketball and volleyball. I haven't forgot ,don't worry.

The gym is attached to this building its huge, everyone loves to play here. Inside we have a new basketball court that turns into a volleyball court.

So what am I forgetting I have told you about the gym and the sports building , the hall ways . I know that activity center. Here will have a Subway, Taco Bell, Carls Jr. and Pizza Hut. We will have tables all around and upstairs will be more lockers.

One last thing before I finish my dream school. I would like all classes to have a recliners for are chairs. We do need to be comfortable to learn.

My school is amazing everyone who attends learns the very best. So when your have kids send them to Kayla's Dream School.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author of this essay makes a bold pronouncement in the introduction by quickly establishing an

intriguing controlling idea (“Blue skies, flowers everywhere. Can you imagine? Schools are always boring they are plain and have nothing to them, but guess what life is now going to change because im going to

invent my dream school”), but demonstrates a limited ability to deliver on this promise. It is likely that the author of this essay has a basic understanding of the purpose and audience of this writing prompt, but simply lacks the ability to assemble all of his/her ideas into a complete, meaningful essay. Thus, this essay only partially completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

The author suggests a number of improvements to the school building, but provides insufficient details to support any of the them (“I love sports so my high school has a whole new building for sports” and “I would like to have a tv and a radio in all the hallways. Its so boring waking from class to class but if we have some tunes, it would be awesome”). These brief and inconsistent recommendations do little to inform the reader of the value of the author’s recommendations.

Organization

This essay is divided into a number of paragraphs that generally contribute to a unified structure. Both the introduction and conclusion are catchy (“Blue skies, flowers everywhere. Can you imagine … My school is amazing everyone who attends learns the very best. So when your have kids send them to Kayla's Dream School”), but relatively simple. The body paragraphs show some signs of fragmentation: The first paragraph addresses multiple issues, while the third and fourth paragraphs could be combined, and the sixth paragraph emerges with little relation to the rest of the essay. Few transitional devices can be located in this essay, underscoring its fragmentary flow.

Language Use & Style

The author uses language that is appropriate for the intended audience, but stumbles under the weight of a number of basic errors that detract from the presentation of the author’s recommendations (“So what am I forgetting I have told you about the gym and the sports building , the hall ways . I know that activity center. Here will have a Subway, Taco Bell, Carls Jr. and Pizza Hut”).

Mechanics & Conventions

The author’s control of the conventions and mechanics of writing is limited. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics (“First off I would paint my school are colors”), punctuation (“because im going to invent”), and spelling (“announcments”) surely interfere with the communication of the message.

Model Essay

My ideal school is a tall white building exactly 25 feet. With restaurants inside. Like McDonalds and Burger King and other fast food restaurants in the basement. In the entrance has a infra red metal detector. Every person in school does their work on pal pilots. All the first floor offices contain dell computers with bump beds in their office and their work station contains a wooden desk. The desk sparkle of fresh lemon shine on the golden wood. On the second floor where the class rooms are. The class rooms contains couches instead of desks. The teachers do work in laptops. So the work automatically goes to the pal pilot. But in only does it if ur in the class room. The rest of the school is the same. The floors automatically cleans theirselves. No need for janitors the school is run by robots with stun guns. Just in cause some one wants to get loud. And the robots be spitting ryhmes against students. The robots get fresh with jordans and jerseys(only authentics).

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the student makes some suggestions that could be included in the design of a new school building, but displays much difficulty in weaving these ideas into a meaningful informative essay with a clear controlling idea (“My ideal school is a tall white building exactly 25 feet”). It is likely the author possesses only a limited understanding of the purpose and audience of this writing prompt, and thus, s/he completes few parts of the assigned task.

Content & Development

A number of different ideas are introduced, but each is developed incompletely and inadequately (“Like McDonalds and Burger King and other fast food restaurants in the basement. In the entrance has a infra red metal detector. Every person in school does their work on pal pilots. All the first floor offices contain dell computers with bump beds in their office”). Taken together, these ideas amount to a hodgepodge that fails to establish a unified theme. The reader is left unsure of how these features would contribute to the new school building.

Organization

There is limited evidence of a unified structure in this essay. Lacking an identifiable introduction and conclusion, this essay is solely focused on spewing forth various features that could be included in the new school building – there is no sense that the reader is being led logically from one idea to the next according to the author’s master plan. Under such conditions, no transitional devices can be used.

Language Use & Style

The author’s use of language to convey meaning in this essay is limited. Frequent basic errors in sentence structure (“With restaurants inside. Like McDonalds and Burger King and other fast food restaurants in the basement”) are eclipsed only by the inappropriate, yet mildly amusing, ending of the essay (“No need for janitors the school is run by robots with stun guns. Just in cause some one wants to get loud. And the robots be spitting ryhmes against students. The robots get fresh with jordans and jerseys”). The author lacks a confirmed sense of the audience of this prompt and projects a poorly defined voice.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author’s control of the conventions and mechanics of writing is minimal. Significant errors in grammar (“But in only does it if ur in the class room”), mechanics (“On the second floor where the class rooms are”), punctuation, and spelling (“theirselves”) substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

Model Essay

I would want the school to be an inside campus. The school would have three stories, with elevators and stairs. It would be handicap access. There would be different halls for the type of classes, like an English hall, math, science, ect. There would be no portables and the ramps would be have to be very sturdy, I would want to hear them creek every time someone walked on them.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author’s attempt at establishing a thesis (“I would want the school to be an inside campus. The school would have three stories, with elevators and stairs.”) fails because it lacks any relevant meaning or focus. The author demonstrates inadequate understanding of the purpose of the assignment and, therefore, completes no parts of the task.

Content & Development

This essay fails to develop support for its thesis. Even though the author lists a couple of ideas (“It would be handicap access. There would be different halls for the type of classes, like an English hall, math,

science, ect.”), they are not elaborated or adequately explained. This response does not inform the reader with sufficient information.

Organization

No reasonable organizational structure can be detected in this response. Although the author seems to attempt an introduction in the first sentence (“I would want the school to be an inside campus.”), the brevity of the essay hinders any discernable organization. This essay lacks a proper introduction and conclusion, paragraphing, and transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

Although the language use in this response is simple and inadequate, it is not wholly inappropriate. (“There would be different halls for the type of classes, like an English hall, math, science, ect. There would be no portables and the ramps would be have to be very sturdy, I would want to hear them creek every time

someone walked on them.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

In such a short response, it is difficult to assess the writer’s ability to use standard written English. However, this response does not seem to have too many errors in spelling, punctuation, and grammar.

The Black Death had profound effects on most of Europe during the Middle Ages. Whom did the Black Death affect, and in what ways did people's lives change?

After researching and reading primary documents and other information, write a multi-paragraph essay describing the effects of the Black Death on people's lives in Europe during the Middle Ages. Include facts and details to support your description.

Model Essay

During the mid-fourteenth century, Europeans faced a difficult life as the Black Death swept across the continent. Originating in China, this malicious disease made its way to Europe by infecting black rats, who were frequent travelers on the Silk Road leading to Europe. The increased interactions between people around the world during this time period allowed the Black Death, also known as the bubonic plague, to make a widespread impact. Between 1348 and 1350, the Black Death eliminated over thirty percent of the European population. However, the Black Death did more than just eradicate the population. The Black Death also had profound impacts on the economy and social culture of Europe.

Although the Black Death had a pervasive impact over all of Europe, some people were more affected than others. Due to close living quarters and high population densities, cities had the highest rates of infection. Comparatively, rural areas were not affected nearly as bad. This was a result of rural Europe being sparsely populated, which made the transmission of the bubonic plague rather difficult. Despite the disparity in infection rates between city and rural areas, the type of people who were hit the hardest by the plague remained the same. The lower classes were always the most susceptible to the Black Death as a result of their unsanitary living conditions. Most of the working class lived with one another, making the transmission of the disease an easy feat. In addition to the lower classes of European society, priests and other religious heads were severely affected as well. Because it was their duty to tend to the ailing victims of the Black Death, these religious men often came in contact with the fatal disease. Consequently, a great number of priests fell victim to the Black Death. While others were also infected with the disease, none were as heavily impacted as the lower class and the priests.

Whether infected with the bubonic plague or not, everyone in Europe felt the consequences of the Black Death. One of the most visible outcomes of the Black Death was the significant decrease in population due to all of the deaths. This decrease in population, as well as the constant feeling of vulnerability, drastically changed the way Europeans lived. Initially, the people of Europe would turn to their religion when they were faced with the horrors of the Black Death. However, as the cause of the Black Death remained an unknown, many people began to doubt their religion. The priests' promises for an end to all the insanity caused by the bubonic plague were left unfulfilled. As a result, people began to wonder if the Black Death was a way of God punishing them for all of their sins. As more and more uncertainty surrounded the plague, many Europeans began to turn away from their religious traditions. One example of the rejection of religion can found in the persecution of the Jewish people. In looking for an answer to the constant suffering, many Europeans began blaming the Jews for the onset of the Black Death. Another way Europeans challenged traditional religious views was through the joining of the flagellants. The flagellants were a group of people who traveled across Europe imitating the suffering of Jesus Christ. These actions created the belief that the flagellants were helping the sick more than the church. Therefore, more people began to challenge the authority of the church that used to be so strong.

Additionally, the sharp decline in population caused a change in the economy of medieval Europe. Before the plague, Europe faced increasing overpopulation. However, the deaths that resulted from the widespread outbreak of bubonic plague reversed this. Instead of a surplus of workers, all jobs in the European society faced labor shortages. Out of all of the areas of labor, the farms were affected the most by these shortages.

With most of the field workers becoming ill, the farms could not produce the amount of food needed to sustain the rest of the ailing population. Nevertheless, some aspects the people's lives changed for the better. Because of the availability of jobs, survivors of the Black Death experienced an increase in social mobility. Those who once could only find the lower class jobs could now better their life through higher class jobs. Furthermore, workers now had more power in the workforce because of the demand for labor. This newfound power allowed the workers to increase their wages, making life much easier than before the plague.

Despite the death that is associated with the bubonic plague, the disease contributed to both positive and negative changes in the lives of Europeans. The reduction in population saved Europe from the disasters of overpopulation, which was a major threat before the Black Death. The Black Death also set in motion the questioning of the church and its principles. Without the bubonic plague, Europe could very well have an exceptionally different religious structure than it has today. Additionally, the Black Death transformed the social structure of medieval Europe as it began the disintegration of the feudal system through the increase of social mobility. Although the Black Death was alarming for the lower class and the priests, the long-term effects of the plague played a vital role in the shaping of European society.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience. He/she effectively completes all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task. Notably, the writer leaves readers with a clear picture of life in the Middle Ages and how it changed as a result of the Black Death.

The introduction establishes a thought-provoking central idea that is developed fully throughout the essay. (“The increased interactions between people around the world during this time period allowed the Black Death, also known as the bubonic plague, to make a widespread impact. Between 1348 and 1350, the Black Death eliminated over thirty percent of the European population. However, the Black Death did more than just eradicate the population. The Black Death also had profound impacts on the economy and social

culture of Europe.”)

A thorough understanding of the intended audience is evident in the essay because the writer maintains an informative tone and develops each of his/her ideas fully. (“However, as the cause of the Black Death

remained an unknown, many people began to doubt their religion. The priests' promises for an end to all the insanity caused by the bubonic plague were left unfulfilled. As a result, people began to wonder if the Black Death was a way of God punishing them for all of their sins. As more and more uncertainty surrounded the plague, many Europeans began to turn away from their religious traditions. One example of the rejection of religion can found in the persecution of the Jewish people. In looking for an answer to the

constant suffering, many Europeans began blaming the Jews for the onset of the Black Death.”)

The writer demonstrates a complete understanding of the task and the purpose of the essay by insightfully addressing all of the prompt’s requirements. (“However, the Black Death did more than just eradicate the population. The Black Death also had profound impacts on the economy and social culture of Europe.

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully, using a wide variety of appropriate details for support.

A variety of relevant details are used to explain and illustrate life in the Middle Ages. (“Although the Black Death had a pervasive impact over all of Europe, some people were more affected than others. Due to close living quarters and high population densities, cities had the highest rates of infection.

Comparatively, rural areas were not affected nearly as bad. This was a result of rural Europe being sparsely populated, which made the transmission of the bubonic plague rather difficult. Despite the disparity in infection rates between city and rural areas, the type of people who were hit the hardest by the plague

remained the same.”)

Details are used very effectively to make insightful connections between ideas throughout the essay. (“The lower classes were always the most susceptible to the Black Death as a result of their unsanitary living conditions. Most of the working class lived with one another, making the transmission of the disease an easy feat. In addition to the lower classes of European society, priests and other religious heads were severely affected as well. Because it was their duty to tend to the ailing victims of the Black Death, these religious men often came in contact with the fatal disease. Consequently, a great number of priests fell victim to the Black Death. While others were also infected with the disease, none were as heavily impacted as the lower class and the priests.”)

Specific information about the time period and the impact of the disease is developed very effectively.

(“Additionally, the sharp decline in population caused a change in the economy of medieval Europe. Before the plague, Europe faced increasing overpopulation. However, the deaths that resulted from the widespread outbreak of bubonic plague reversed this. Instead of a surplus of workers, all jobs in the European society faced labor shortages. Out of all of the areas of labor, the farms were affected the most by these shortages.

With most of the field workers becoming ill, the farms could not produce the amount of food needed to sustain the rest of the ailing population.”)

Organization

The writer provides a very effective introduction through the presentation of background information and a clear statement of the purpose of the essay. (“During the mid-fourteenth century, Europeans faced a difficult life as the Black Death swept across the continent. Originating in China, this malicious disease made its way to Europe by infecting black rats, who were frequent travelers on the Silk Road leading to Europe. The increased interactions between people around the world during this time period allowed the Black Death, also known as the bubonic plague, to make a widespread impact. Between 1348 and 1350, the Black Death eliminated over thirty percent of the European population. However, the Black Death did more than just eradicate the population. The Black Death also had profound impacts on the economy and social

culture of Europe.”)

Transitions are used very effectively to connect ideas between the body paragraphs and the related ideas within paragraphs. (“With most of the field workers becoming ill, the farms could not produce the amount of food needed to sustain the rest of the ailing population. Nevertheless, some aspects the people's lives changed for the better. Because of the availability of jobs, survivors of the Black Death experienced an increase in social mobility. Those who once could only find the lower class jobs could now better their life through higher class jobs. Furthermore, workers now had more power in the workforce because of the

demand for labor.”)

The writer includes an ending that meaningfully summarizes the main ideas of the essay and provides readers with a sense of closure. (“The reduction in population saved Europe from the disasters of overpopulation, which was a major threat before the Black Death. The Black Death also set in motion the questioning of the church and its principles. Without the bubonic plague, Europe could very well have an exceptionally different religious structure than it has today. Additionally, the Black Death transformed the social structure of medieval Europe as it began the disintegration of the feudal system through the increase

of social mobility. Although the Black Death was alarming for the lower class and the priests, the long-term effects of the plague played a vital role in the shaping of European society.”)

Language Use & Style

adds to the effectiveness of the writer’s response.

The writer chooses vividly descriptive words to effectively communicate the severity of the disease. (“This was a result of rural Europe being sparsely populated, which made the transmission of the bubonic plague rather difficult. Despite the disparity in infection rates between city and rural areas, the type of people who were hit the hardest by the plague remained the same. The lower classes were always the most susceptible to the Black Death as a result of their unsanitary living conditions. Most of the working class lived with one another, making the transmission of the disease an easy feat. In addition to the lower classes of European society, priests and other religious heads were severely affected as well.”)

The coherent and academic style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the essay. (“Additionally, the sharp decline in population caused a change in the economy of medieval Europe. Before the plague, Europe faced increasing overpopulation. However, the deaths that resulted from the widespread outbreak of bubonic plague reversed this. Instead of a surplus of workers, all jobs in the European society faced labor shortages. Out of all of the areas of labor, the farms were affected the most by these shortages.”)

The writer maintains the readers’ interest and creates an engaging essay through the use of a variety of complex sentence structures. (“In addition to the lower classes of European society, priests and other

religious heads were severely affected as well. Because it was their duty to tend to the ailing victims of the Black Death, these religious men often came in contact with the fatal disease. Consequently, a great number of priests fell victim to the Black Death. While others were also infected with the disease, none were as heavily impacted as the lower class and the priests.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling.

Each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and words are spelled

correctly. (“This decrease in population, as well as the constant feeling of vulnerability, drastically changed the way Europeans lived. Initially, the people of Europe would turn to their religion when they were faced with the horrors of the Black Death. However, as the cause of the Black Death remained an unknown, many people began to doubt their religion. The priests' promises for an end to all the insanity caused by the bubonic plague were left unfulfilled. As a result, people began to wonder if the Black Death was a way of God punishing them for all of their sins.”)

Model Essay

The Black Death was a deadly pandemic that wiped out over 1/3 of Europe's population between its violent introduction to Europe in 1347 until its last major outbreak in London in 1665. The Black Death set into motion, through its destruction, many events that would drastically change the way the Europeans of the

time lived their lives. It marked the end of Feudalism, brought about a drastic change in art and literature, and also changed the way that many Europeans viewed religion.

Prior to the Black Death's introduction into Europe, many European towns used the feudal system as a way of keeping the underclass citizens working and keeping the wealthy citizens wealthy. Because the Black Death hit Europe so hard and so unexpectedly, there were huge casualties on both sides of the social ladder. This rapid decline in the number of peasants available to work the land of the wealthy land owners resulted in the feudal system no longer being the most feasible option. The end of feudalism allowed the peasants to be able to own their own land, giving them more social standing. In addition to this, the extreme need for people to fill in jobs that were otherwise unavailable to them enabled peasants to gain social status that they otherwise would never have been able to acquire. This change in social structure led to many revolts against the higher authorities by peasants resulting in events as drastic as the Peasants' Revolt of 1381, where peasants out of Essex revolted against King Richard and murdered several high ranking authorities in addition to burning down several houses and churches (Jones).

The Black Death also had a profound effect on the art and literature of Europe. With so many people around them dying daily, it was hard for the citizens of Europe to not want to reflect this in their artwork. Dark figures with scythes representing "death" personified frequently began to make appearances in artwork. There were also many depictions of people dying of the plague and what they perceived the afterlife to look like. In literature, many accounts of the Black Death began to appear written by average men who were learned in writing, which at the time was not common. The Black Death also made appearances in many renowned authors works; such as Boccaccio's The Decameran and Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales (Global Oneness). The switch to the focus on death is thought to have paved the way for events like the Italian Renaissance.

Prior to the Black Death, European's were very loyal to the church. With the arrival of the Black Death however, European's began to see that perhaps the church was not as almighty as they had once thought it to be. The people of Europe were desperately looking for a reason as to why this plague had been brought upon them, and they turned to the church for answers and guidance, but the men of the church were not spared the fate of the plague and the citizens began to see that even the church could not help them. This realization led to the people distancing themselves from the church in favor of creating their own personal relationship with god. This led to a decline in the church's authority which had previously been the bottom line for European citizens.

The Black Death brought many changes to European society. While it was a terrible pandemic that killed millions, the events that it put into place forced European citizens to make changes that otherwise could have taken centuries to make. The plague marked the end of feudalism, which in turn gave the underclass citizens the opportunity to gain more social standing. It also changed the focus of the artwork and literature of the time towards death, which paved the way for such enlightening events as the Italian Renaissance, and it also changed the way that European citizens viewed religion, taking away a large amount of the power the church held over the people. So while the devastation the Black Death brought will forever be remembered throughout history, so will the changes it brought with it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer’s introduction provides readers with a clear understanding of the purpose of the essay and the ideas that will be addressed in the body paragraphs. (“The Black Death set into motion, through its destruction, many events that would drastically change the way the Europeans of the time lived their lives. It marked the end of Feudalism, brought about a drastic change in art and literature, and also changed the way that many Europeans viewed religion.”)

All of the details used in the essay are relevant to the topic being presented and serve to enhance the

writer’s main ideas. (“This realization led to the people distancing themselves from the church in favor of creating their own personal relationship with god. This led to a decline in the church's authority which had previously been the bottom line for European citizens.”)

The writer focuses on a variety of information and provides his/her audience with a comprehensive

understanding of the central ideas in the essay. (“The Black Death also had a profound effect on the art and literature of Europe. With so many people around them dying daily, it was hard for the citizens of Europe

to not want to reflect this in their artwork. Dark figures with scythes representing ‘death’ personified frequently began to make appearances in artwork.”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient and appropriate details for support.

The content in the body of the paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain the main idea and

increase the readers’ understanding. (“There were also many depictions of people dying of the plague and what they perceived the afterlife to look like. In literature, many accounts of the Black Death began to appear written by average men who were learned in writing, which at the time was not common. The Black Death also made appearances in many renowned authors works; such as Boccaccio's The Decameran and Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales (Global Oneness). The switch to the focus on death is thought to have paved the way for events like the Italian Renaissance.”)

The details included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea in the topic sentence. (“Prior to the Black Death, European's were very loyal to the church. With the arrival of the Black Death however, European's began to see that perhaps the church was not as almighty as they had once thought it to be. The people of Europe were desperately looking for a reason as to why this plague had been brought upon them, and they turned to the church for answers and guidance, but the men of the church were not spared the fate of the plague and the citizens began to see that even the church could not help them.”)

The writer addresses each of his/her main ideas in nearly equal detail and effectively presents many different aspects of each of the ideas included in the essay. (“Prior to the Black Death's introduction into Europe, many European towns used the feudal system as a way of keeping the underclass citizens working and keeping the wealthy citizens wealthy. Because the Black Death hit Europe so hard and so unexpectedly, there were huge casualties on both sides of the social ladder. This rapid decline in the number of peasants available to work the land of the wealthy land owners resulted in the feudal system no longer being the most feasible option. The end of feudalism allowed the peasants to be able to own their own land, giving them more social standing. In addition to this, the extreme need for people to fill in jobs that were otherwise unavailable to them enabled peasants to gain social status that they otherwise would never have been able to acquire.”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction grabs the readers’ attention by introducing facts and using colorful and dramatic language to engage the readers’ interest in the effects of the Plague. (“The Black Death was a deadly

pandemic that wiped out over 1/3 of Europe's population between its violent introduction to Europe in 1347 until its last major outbreak in London in 1665. The Black Death set into motion, through its destruction, many events that would drastically change the way the Europeans of the time lived their lives. It marked the end of Feudalism, brought about a drastic change in art and literature, and also changed the way that

many Europeans viewed religion.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or sentences are used well. However, the writer could include more

transitions to make the flow of ideas between paragraphs smoother. (“The end of feudalism allowed the peasants to be able to own their own land, giving them more social standing. In addition to this, the extreme need for people to fill in jobs that were otherwise unavailable to them enabled peasants to gain social status that they otherwise would never have been able to acquire.”)

The conclusion provides the readers with closure, and the writer accurately summarizes the main ideas of the essay. (“The plague marked the end of feudalism, which in turn gave the underclass citizens the opportunity to gain more social standing. It also changed the focus of the artwork and literature of the time towards death, which paved the way for such enlightening events as the Italian Renaissance, and it also changed the way that European citizens viewed religion, taking away a large amount of the power the

church held over the people. So while the devastation the Black Death brought will forever be remembered throughout history, so will the changes it brought with it.”)

Language Use & Style

Use of language and tone is consistent and academic throughout the essay. (“The end of feudalism allowed the peasants to be able to own their own land, giving them more social standing. In addition to this, the extreme need for people to fill in jobs that were otherwise unavailable to them enabled peasants to gain social status that they otherwise would never have been able to acquire. This change in social structure led to many revolts against the higher authorities by peasants resulting in events as drastic as the Peasants' Revolt of 1381, where peasants out of Essex revolted against King Richard and murdered several high ranking authorities in addition to burning down several houses and churches (Jones).”)

essay. (“The people of Europe were desperately looking for a reason as to why this plague had been brought upon them, and they turned to the church for answers and guidance, but the men of the church were not spared the fate of the plague and the citizens began to see that even the church could not help them.

This realization led to the people distancing themselves from the church in favor of creating their own personal relationship with god. This led to a decline in the church's authority which had previously been the bottom line for European citizens.”)

The writer employs good word choices to describe how pervasive the Plague was in the lives of fourteenth- century Europeans. (“Prior to the Black Death's introduction into Europe, many European towns used the feudal system as a way of keeping the underclass citizens working and keeping the wealthy citizens wealthy. Because the Black Death hit Europe so hard and so unexpectedly, there were huge casualties on both sides of the social ladder. This rapid decline in the number of peasants available to work the land of

the wealthy land owners resulted in the feudal system no longer being the most feasible option.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates an effective control of grammar conventions and writing mechanics. He/she should ensure all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all words are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new

paragraphs. (“In literature, many accounts of the Black Death began to appear written by average men who were learned in writing, which at the time was not common. The Black Death also made appearances in many renowned authors works; such as Boccaccio's The Decameran and Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales

(Global Oneness). The switch to the focus on death is thought to have paved the way for events like the Italian Renaissance.”)

Model Essay

The Black Death was very dangerous and contagious disease and destroyed 2/3's of Europe's population and it killed people in a strange manner. People who weren't affected went crazy in fear of catching it and the people who caught it usually died within 7 days. In those times doctors were not very advanced and they mostly believed in superstition, so 70% of people who caught it died. It was slow and painful. This was very dangerous it spread all over the world and many people were at risk of catching it. The people who didn't catch it were very few and were very lucky. The Black Death was so dangerous that even kings and the people of the highest positions were in danger of catching it. Nothing could stop it and nothing could stop it spreading.

People in those times were very superstitious and believed it was a punishment from God. So flagellates stood in the streets and whipped themselves and said it was cleaning them of their sins. The Kings also believed this and sent out their men to whip the people in the streets to clean them of the sins to so the Black Death would come to a halt. Overall, the Black Death was a very painful disease once caught. It wiped out 2/3's of the Europe's population, destroyed the feudal system, killed people in a painful way and was driving the people crazy. And it was REALLY bad, also, the song, "Ring a Round a Rosie" was named after it.

The black death effected Europe during the Middle Ages. It affected peaseants. The Black Death, was also known as the Bubonic Plague, which was a pandemic that swept through Europe between 1346 and continuing until the late 1700's approximately between 1347-1351. As it ravaged Europe the Black Death killed anywhere from 25-50 million Europeans and greatly damaged Europe socialy and economically. The drop in population also had the effect of reducing the available supply of labour. Increasing wages and decreasing the ability to impose feudalism. The plague was transmitted by infected fleas carried by the very the Black Rat. The flea would bite the infected rat, and the deadly bacteria would grow in its system. When the flea bit a human, the flea's the bacteria would enter your blood.

In Medieval Europe sanitation was virtually not practiced at all, cities were crowd and filthy, and hunger was -the perfect environment for disease to spread. With no idea the Black Death was the first and most lethal outbreak of a disease that entered Italy during the end of 1347 and the beginning of 1348 and then spread across Europe in the following few years. It is accepted that this most famous medievil epidemic was caused by bubonic plague. This disease, which was identified in the late 19th century, is endemic among some rodent populations around the globe today. The cause of the plague was, people turned to religious beliefs, and sometimes folk beliefs. Many believe that the Black Death was Gods judgment on Europe sin. The plague hid itself in three basic forms, with varying degrees of death. Victums would suffer nausea and very high fever. 30-80% of victums died, most of which within a week.

In conclusion, the Black Death affected people living in Europe and changed their lives. This disease was transmitted from flea causing many people to die. The death in Europe caused the labour to change and affect the people differently. If there was a way to stop this disease from killing many people, but changing the past in the process, would you?

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The introduction/thesis statement presents the supporting ideas of the essay and the point of view of the writer adequately; however, it is slightly repetitive. (“This was very dangerous it spread all over the world and many people were at risk of catching it. The people who didn't catch it were very few and were very lucky. The Black Death was so dangerous that even kings and the people of the highest positions were in danger of catching it. Nothing could stop it and nothing could stop it spreading.”)

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The writer is devoted to informing the readers about the Plague and the people it infected, and he/she adequately conveys his/her message to the readers. (“The cause of the plague was, people turned to religious beliefs, and sometimes folk beliefs. Many believe that the Black Death was Gods judgment on Europe sin. The plague hid itself in three basic forms, with varying degrees of death. Victums would suffer nausea and very high fever. 30-80% of victums died, most of which within a week.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. The writer demonstrates an adequate understanding of the audience and the purpose of the essay. (“The plague was transmitted by infected fleas carried by the very the Black Rat. The flea would bite the infected rat, and the deadly bacteria would grow in its system. When the flea bit a human, the flea's the bacteria would enter your blood. In Medieval Europe sanitation was virtually not practiced at all, cities were crowd and filthy, and hunger was -the perfect environment for disease to spread.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support.

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. The inclusion of specific facts increases the

strength of the writer’s argument. (“The Black Death, was also known as the Bubonic Plague, which was a pandemic that swept through Europe between 1346 and continuing until the late 1700's approximately between 1347-1351. As it ravaged Europe the Black Death killed anywhere from 25-50 million Europeans and greatly damaged Europe socialy and economically. The drop in population also had the effect of reducing the available supply of labour. Increasing wages and decreasing the ability to impose feudalism.”)

Providing more specific details would enhance the writer’s descriptions of how the disease was spread and how it came to Europe. (“With no idea the Black Death was the first and most lethal outbreak of a disease that entered Italy during the end of 1347 and the beginning of 1348 and then spread across Europe in the following few years. It is accepted that this most famous medievil epidemic was caused by bubonic plague.

This disease, which was identified in the late 19th century, is endemic among some rodent populations around the globe today.”)

The writer provides anecdotal examples that are relevant and that enhance the essay by adding depth to the information. (“People in those times were very superstitious and believed it was a punishment from God. So flagellates stood in the streets and whipped themselves and said it was cleaning them of their sins. The Kings also believed this and sent out their men to whip the people in the streets to clean them of the sins to so the Black Death would come to a halt.”)

Organization

There is adequate organization in the essay. The writer provides an interesting opening to the response that keeps the readers reading. The essay generally flows smoothly from one idea to another with some subtle transitions to support sequential development.

The beginning of the essay demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by discussing the seriousness of the disease and providing readers with some background information. (“The Black Death was very dangerous and contagious disease and destroyed 2/3's of Europe's population and it killed people in a strange manner. People who weren't affected went crazy in fear of catching it and the people

who caught it usually died within 7 days. In those times doctors were not very advanced and they mostly believed in superstition, so 70% of people who caught it died.”)

A few subtle transitions are used to connect ideas. (“People in those times were very superstitious and believed it was a punishment from God. So flagellates stood in the streets and whipped themselves and said it was cleaning them of their sins. The Kings also believed this and sent out their men to whip the people in the streets to clean them of the sins to so the Black Death would come to a halt. Overall, the Black Death was a very painful disease once caught. It wiped out 2/3's of the Europe's population, destroyed the feudal system, killed people in a painful way and was driving the people crazy.”) The writer should incorporate more transitions to connect and organize the ideas in a more meaningful way. Some paragraphs repeat ideas that have previously been explained, and individual paragraphs often contain unrelated ideas.

The writer’s conclusion is adequate; it briefly summarizes a few of the ideas in the essay and provides readers with a sense of closure. However, the question posed at the end of the essay, in an attempt to leave readers with something to think about, is irrelevant to the focus of the essay. (“In conclusion, the Black Death affected people living in Europe and changed their lives. This disease was transmitted from flea causing many people to die. The death in Europe caused the labour to change and affect the people differently. If there was a way to stop this disease from killing many people, but changing the past in the process, would you?”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied, which helps to create interest for the readers. (“In those times doctors were not very advanced and they mostly believed in superstition, so 70% of people who caught it died. It was slow and painful. This was very dangerous it spread all over the world and many people were at risk of catching it. The people who didn't catch it were very few and were very lucky. The Black Death was so dangerous that even kings and the people of the highest positions were in danger of catching it.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the essay. He/she provides language that adequately describes the people affected by the Plague to the intended audience. (“The plague was transmitted by infected fleas carried by the very the Black Rat. The flea would bite the infected rat, and the deadly bacteria would grow in its system. When the flea bit a human, the flea's the bacteria would enter your blood. In Medieval Europe sanitation was virtually not practiced at all, cities were crowd and filthy, and hunger was -the perfect environment for disease to spread.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the essay. However, the writer occasionally uses informal words and phrases. (“The Kings also believed this and sent out their men to whip the people in the streets to clean them of the sins to so the Black Death would come to a halt.

Overall, the Black Death was a very painful disease once caught. It wiped out 2/3's of the Europe's population, destroyed the feudal system, killed people in a painful way and was driving the people crazy.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure that sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have subject-verb agreement, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, words are spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs are indicated with line breaks. (“The cause of the plague was, people turned to religious beliefs, and sometimes folk beliefs. Many believe that the Black Death was Gods judgment on Europe sin. The plague

hid itself in three basic forms, with varying degrees of death. Victums would suffer nausea and very high fever. 30-80% of victums died, most of which within a week.”)

Model Essay

In the 11th century, europe lived in wretced filthed and decayed. The streets were filled with sewage. Also and rotting food. Over time this eventually throuighout time led to the black death. Its known as one of the worst catastrophic ever. By the time it was over, over half of europe was perished. the effecteds of this were religous persicution in the streets, (rituals, crusifictions, sacrifices etc.) and their economic crumbled. The black death was a tragic mess. It was a disease that was carryed by fleas and mice. The most that the black death effected was the economy, population, and human relationship.

Economy: The economic was really bad. Many people closed their stores off so they didnt have work for people again. The government couldnt help out with anything. besides what they were trying to do with doctors and things. Adding on to there there was no vaccine. Only doctors offices and churches stayed opened. Doctors would often get sick wile they were trying to help sick not be sick. So evenually they had limited doctors.

Population: A huge amount of the population was vanished. 1/2 of them were killed. Families left each other to die. Very few people survived this horrifying event. After this was over with, people were acting with more respect then before and during this event. The people who did survive though had to live with what there home town was for the rest of there life.

Human Relationship: The human relationship totally spilt. People abandond the sick family or not. Even children were left in the streets if they had it. Adding on to the sick were also killed sometimes by people who obviously did not want this disease. People were disowned and forgoten of. People went into a independence stage were they would not talk to anyone or come out of there homes.

The three main ways of life that changed during the Middle Ages were the economic, population change and human relationship. These things were all caused by the black death. People are scared of it today because of the horrific things that happened back then. People were extremly mean to others and even their own family. People sufferd and people died but some were lucky enough to live through it!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the essay. The writer establishes a limited controlling idea and demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides limited descriptions and details that may not give the readers a clear understanding of his/her message. Only some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The writer reveals the controlling idea in a limited way. The writer does not consistently maintain focus on his/her main ideas, which can occasionally confuse readers. (“The black death was a tragic mess. It was a disease that was carryed by fleas and mice. The most that the black death effected was the economy, population, and human relationship. Economy: The economic was really bad. Many people closed their stores off so they didnt have work for people again. The government couldnt help out with anything. besides what they were trying to do with doctors and things. Adding on to there there was no vaccine. Only doctors offices and churches stayed opened.”)

The writer’s focus is limited. The writer focuses on the impact of the disease, but his/her descriptions are limited and occasionally disjointed. (“Economy: The economic was really bad. Many people closed their stores off so they didnt have work for people again. The government couldnt help out with anything.

besides what they were trying to do with doctors and things. Adding on to there there was no vaccine. Only doctors offices and churches stayed opened. Doctors would often get sick wile they were trying to help sick not be sick. So evenually they had limited doctors.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the essay. He/she should include more meaningful examples to illustrate who was affected by the Black Death and how it changed their lives. Including specific examples, quotations, and evidence would help the readers picture the subject of the essay in their minds and aid the writer in completing all parts of the prompt task. (“Population: A huge amount of the population was vanished. 1/2 of them were killed. Families left each other to die. Very few people survived this horrifying event. After this was over with, people were acting with more respect then before and during this event.

The people who did survive though had to live with what there home town was for the rest of there life.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support.

The writer uses limited details in the essay to illustrate the main ideas, leaving the readers with an unclear understanding of the information the writer is trying to convey. (“It was a disease that was carryed by fleas and mice. The most that the black death effected was the economy, population, and human relationship.

It is unclear how some of the supporting details relate to the writer’s thesis statement. (“Population: A huge amount of the population was vanished. 1/2 of them were killed. Families left each other to die. Very few people survived this horrifying event. After this was over with, people were acting with more respect then before and during this event. The people who did survive though had to live with what there home town was for the rest of there life.”)

The explanations and details used to explain the main ideas are confusing. Often, the evidence presented in the body paragraphs is unrelated to the main idea of the paragraph. (“Economy: The economic was really bad. Many people closed their stores off so they didnt have work for people again. The government couldnt help out with anything. besides what they were trying to do with doctors and things. Adding on to there there was no vaccine. Only doctors offices and churches stayed opened. Doctors would often get sick wile they were trying to help sick not be sick. So evenually they had limited doctors.”)

Organization

There is limited organization of main ideas and supporting details in the essay. The essay demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. There is limited use of paragraphing, and the essay lacks some transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates a limited introduction. The writer discloses a few vague details about life in the Middle Ages, but with limited background information, the readers struggle to picture who the Black Death affected. (“In the 11th century, europe lived in wretced filthed and decayed. The streets were filled with sewage. Also and rotting food. Over time this eventually throuighout time led to the black death. Its known as one of the worst catastrophic ever. By the time it was over, over half of europe was perished. the effecteds of this were religous persicution in the streets, (rituals, crusifictions, sacrifices etc.) and their economic crumbled.”)

Transitions within paragraphs and between sentences are needed to enhance the flow of the writer’s ideas. The writer begins each of the body paragraphs the same way and uses abrupt transitions between ideas. (“Population: A huge amount of the population was vanished. 1/2 of them were killed. Families left each other to die. Very few people survived this horrifying event. After this was over with, people were acting with more respect then before and during this event. The people who did survive though had to live with

what there home town was for the rest of there life. Human Relationship: The human relationship totally spilt.”)

Although the conclusion of the essay provides the readers with a sense of closure, it summarizes the main

ideas through repetition and does not leave readers with something to think about. (“People are scared of it today because of the horrific things that happened back then. People were extremly mean to others and even their own family. People sufferd and people died but some were lucky enough to live through it!”)

Language Use & Style

Some sentence lengths are short. (“Human Relationship: The human relationship totally spilt. People abandond the sick family or not. Even children were left in the streets if they had it.”) The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the response easier to understand and more interesting to the intended audience.

The writer often uses only simple sentences to convey his/her message. (“The government couldnt help out with anything. besides what they were trying to do with doctors and things. Adding on to there there was no vaccine. Only doctors offices and churches stayed opened. Doctors would often get sick wile they were trying to help sick not be sick. So evenually they had limited doctors.”)

Many of the sentences in the essay are too informal and word choices are basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“Economy: The economic was really bad.

Many people closed their stores off so they didnt have work for people again. The government couldnt help out with anything. besides what they were trying to do with doctors and things. Adding on to there there was no vaccine.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should begin each sentence with a capital letter, make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, check for the correct spelling of words, ensure proper usage of words within the context of sentences, and indicate new paragraphs with line breaks. (“By the time it was over, over half of europe was perished. the effecteds of this were religous persicution in the streets, (rituals, crusifictions, sacrifices etc.) and their economic crumbled. The black death was a tragic mess. It was a disease that was carryed by fleas and mice. The most that the black death effected was the economy, population, and human relationship.”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

The plague broke out in 1328. The Black Death hit hard in Europe

It was called the Black Death. It was called because was a blacken of the skin. that is only one of the many symptums. Some other are high fever. also vomiting pains bleeding and mental issue. afew day of having these symptums; the person would die. thing was that hundreds of people got it. it killed all them.

Sometime hole familys where infect. all they could do is wait to die. that added to the Black Death was how dirty some places where. Also slot how small the living areas were. Both oF these things contributes to the spread of its. The plague caused much pain and sorrow through out Europe.

black death changed many peoples lives for the worse. example if one person in your family got sick you could not leave your home. all of you were made stay there. rought up another problem because sometime people excepted and made a life somewhere else. When they did this they brought the sickness with them. which spreading it further. So it just affected more and more people. The plague also changed peoples live by taking the ones they love from them. The Black was a Depressing time for Europe.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer includes a vague central/controlling idea in the essay. (“The plague broke out in 1328. The Black Death hit hard in Europe It was called the Black Death. It was called because was a blacken of the skin. that is only one of the many symptums.”) The writer misses the opportunity to elaborate on the specific people affected and the ways in which the Plague impacted their lives.

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently enough to give the readers a true understanding of the disease and its impact on society. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s

message to the intended audience. (“black death changed many peoples lives for the worse. example if one person in your family got sick you could not leave your home. all of you were made stay there. rought up another problem because sometime people excepted and made a life somewhere else. When they did this

they brought the sickness with them.”)

The writer completes few parts of the prompt task. He/she minimally maintains focus on the prompt’s

requirements and does not explain the ideas presented. (“black death changed many peoples lives for the worse. example if one person in your family got sick you could not leave your home. all of you were made stay there. rought up another problem because sometime people excepted and made a life somewhere

else.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s thesis statement. The writer does not develop specific ideas enough for them to contribute to the overall message in a significant way. (“Some other are high fever. also vomiting pains bleeding and mental issue. afew day of having these symptums; the person would die. thing was that hundreds of people got it. it killed all them.”)

The writer’s support of his/her ideas is inadequate. Each of the ideas in the essay contribute little to its overall purpose because they are minimally developed. (“afew day of having these symptums; the person would die. thing was that hundreds of people got it. it killed all them. Sometime hole familys where infect. all they could do is wait to die. that added to the Black Death was how dirty some places where.”)

Details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. Details should include examples, facts, quotations, firsthand accounts, or explanations that give the readers a clear picture of the significance of the

disease. (“Also slot how small the living areas were. Both oF these things contributes to the spread of its. The plague caused much pain and sorrow through out Europe. black death changed many peoples lives for the worse. example if one person in your family got sick you could not leave your home.”)

Organization

Furthermore, the essay demonstrates little evidence of a strong ending.

The introduction to the essay does not grab the readers’ attention; it is repetitive and should not be broken

into separate paragraphs. (“The plague broke out in 1328. The Black Death hit hard in Europe It was called the Black Death. It was called because was a blacken of the skin.”)

There is little evidence of transitional devices to help connect ideas. (“black death changed many peoples lives for the worse. example if one person in your family got sick you could not leave your home. all of you were made stay there. rought up another problem because sometime people excepted and made a life somewhere else. When they did this they brought the sickness with them. which spreading it further.”)

The writer does little to include a strong conclusion. (“So it just affected more and more people. The plague also changed peoples live by taking the ones they love from them. The Black was a Depressing time for Europe.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentences are short and, in some cases, fragmented. (“When they did this they brought the sickness with them. which spreading it further. So it just affected more and more people. The plague also changed peoples live by taking the ones they love from them. The Black was a Depressing time for Europe.”)

Exact words are missing, which can affect meaning. Some words are used incorrectly. (“that added to the Black Death was how dirty some places where. Also slot how small the living areas were. Both oF these things contributes to the spread of its. The plague caused much pain and sorrow through out Europe.”)

The writer lacks control of voice in the essay, which indicates that he/she has a minimal awareness of the intended audience. (“thing was that hundreds of people got it. it killed all them. Sometime hole familys where infect. all they could do is wait to die. that added to the Black Death was how dirty some places where.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized essay. (“black death changed many peoples lives for the worse. example if one person in your family got sick you could not leave your home. all of you were made stay there. rought up another problem because sometime people excepted and made a life somewhere else.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

The Black Death ffected a major population decrease. witch resulted in fall of the econoamy. most workers not being able to work left the hea a postion of great power. for the first time the lowerr classed could refuse orders from the higher class. The church started to change. in many ways poeple started looseing faith in the church. poeple star think the plague was sent by God making poeple acually question thier own religion. thiere one good effect was that the church started to become a lil rich. the beliver started to make postions the could supposly cure the disase.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of his/her audience because he/she does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“for the first time the lowerr classed could refuse orders from the higher class. The church started to change.”)

The writer states an unclear central/controlling idea in the essay and does not develop it adequately through examples and descriptive details. (“The Black Death ffected a major population decrease. witch resulted in fall of the econoamy. most workers not being able to work left the hea a postion of great power.”)

The lack of specific details in the essay renders the writer’s message ineffective and incomplete. It also

indicates that the writer does not have a complete understanding of the purpose of the essay. (“poeple star think the plague was sent by God making poeple acually question thier own religion. thiere one good effect was that the church started to become a lil rich. the beliver started to make postions the could supposly cure the disase.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer neglects to develop ideas, using little or no details for support.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. Ideas are suggested but never fully explained. (“most workers not being able to work left the hea a postion of great power. for the first time the lowerr classed could refuse orders from the higher class. The church started to change. in

many ways poeple started looseing faith in the church.”)

In the one-paragraph essay, the ideas presented are not developed and their connection to the central idea is frequently unclear. (“for the first time the lowerr classed could refuse orders from the higher class. The church started to change. in many ways poeple started looseing faith in the church. poeple star think the plague was sent by God making poeple acually question thier own religion. thiere one good effect was that the church started to become a lil rich. the beliver started to make postions the could supposly cure the

disase.”)

Specific details are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Details should include examples, facts, quotations, statistics, or explanations that bring the writer’s ideas to life. (“poeple star think the plague was sent by God making poeple acually question thier own religion. thiere one good effect was that the church started to become a lil rich. the beliver started to make postions the could supposly cure the disase.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate as well. The essay demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure, introduction, or conclusion. In addition, there is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. The introduction does not include

relevant/necessary details. (“The Black Death ffected a major population decrease. witch resulted in fall of the econoamy.”)

Transitional devices are not used to help connect ideas, and the writer does not present his/her ideas in a logical sequence. (“for the first time the lowerr classed could refuse orders from the higher class. The church started to change. in many ways poeple started looseing faith in the church. poeple star think the

plague was sent by God making poeple acually question thier own religion. thiere one good effect was that the church started to become a lil rich.”)

The writer does not include a strong conclusion; he/she ends the essay by stating a new idea. (“The church started to change. in many ways poeple started looseing faith in the church. poeple star think the plague was sent by God making poeple acually question thier own religion. thiere one good effect was that the church started to become a lil rich. the beliver started to make postions the could supposly cure the disase.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentences are short and consistently simple. (“The Black Death ffected a major population decrease. witch resulted in fall of the econoamy. most workers not being able to work left the hea a postion of great power.”)

Sentences and word choices are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to

the intended audience. (“thiere one good effect was that the church started to become a lil rich. the beliver started to make postions the could supposly cure the disase.”)

The writer makes major errors in sentence structure and usage that make the essay difficult to understand. (“The Black Death ffected a major population decrease. witch resulted in fall of the econoamy. most workers not being able to work left the hea a postion of great power.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure that the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas. The essay is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“for the first time the lowerr classed could refuse orders from the higher class. The church started to change. in many ways poeple started looseing faith in the church. poeple star think the plague was sent by God making poeple acually question thier own religion.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Technology and the changes it brings can have a very big effect on our lives. Which technological change has had the largest effect on life in this country? Why? Write an essay explaining the technology you have chosen and how it has affected our lives.

Model Essay

Technology has affected us greatly in the lives that each of us live today. With each coming year technology becomes more advanced and more resourceful. Technology comes through different avenues; for example there are advancements in transportation, in communication, etc. By far however the computer has had the largest effect on life in this country.

First of all the computer has changed just about every single aspect of life that was once done by hand. For example most factories used human hands to mass produce products which proved to be somewhat slow and costly. With the use of computers, robots have been created to do the work and mass produce products fifty times faster, and they feel no fatigue.

Another avenue of computers affecting America is the extreme power of communication with anyone in the country, or the world for that matter, resulting in worldwide globalization. Within seconds an important letter can be received from one part of the world to another. Besides using the mail system that the computer uses through the power of the internet (E-Mail) there is also instant messaging or streaming video meetings. Through the use of both of these you can not only read what the person is writing to you but you can also see and have a conversation as well!

One of the other grand features that computers also possess is the power to retain information and keep it stored without fear of losing it. Through the years important documents and information have been stored on paper and have been organized in file boxes which have proven to be hard to find and messy. Using the computer you can store any type of document that you want including pictures, legal documents, letters, bill statements, and anything else that you wish. This cleans the idea of using paper and the fear of having it and never to be found again.

Finally, the last of the great features that the computer has to offer is the usage of communication for business. There are many online stores where you can purchase products and for different web sites there are different stores. You can purchase just about anything that you want. There is also online auction websites to purchase things that other users have for sale. Purchasing would be done by use of credit card or money order. Some websites where you can purchase things are Amazon.com and Ebay.com for online auctions. By utilizing and enhancing the power of business through computers there has been an extreme boost in the economy of not only the country, but of the world!

Computers no doubt have enhanced the way of life in modern day America and the world. It has taken all the things that humans do and has refined it and made it better then ever. We use the power of these great machines to make life more productive and meaningful. Computers have increased productivity of products, made communication easier then ever before, can store massive amounts of information whatever it may be, and made the economy so much better through its use of business transactions. Of all the technology that affects our lives everyday computers have the largest effect not only on us as individuals but on the entire nation. From all the benefits that are offered by the computer just imagine how life would be without it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this day and age, it is no wonder that the subject of essay should be computers; but the author takes a deeper view of the subject, and rather than describing how computers enhance gaming or entertainment possibilities, the author seeks to probe some of the more profound ramifications of this technology.

Establishing and maintaining an insightful controlling idea (“Technology comes through different avenues; for example there are advancements in transportation, in communication, etc. By far however the computer has had the largest effect on life in this country”), the author demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience of this writing prompt and skillfully completes all parts of the assigned task.

Content & Development

The author very effectively expresses and develops his/her central theme, citing four specific effects of the computer and using a wide variety of appropriate details to support them (“First of all the computer has

changed just about every single aspect of life that was once done by hand … Another avenue of computers affecting America is the extreme power of communication with anyone in the country, or the world for that matter, resulting in worldwide globalization … One of the other grand features that computers also possess is the power to retain information and keep it stored without fear of losing it … Finally, the last of the great features that the computer has to offer is the usage of communication for business”). The sophistication of these four effects cannot be underestimated – automation, globalization, data storage, and e-commerce are four pivotal forces that are shaping the very world around us. It is remarkable that this author has been able to intelligently discuss all four within the confines of this assignment.

Organization

In six well-organized paragraphs, the author has developed an organizational scheme that serves this essay well. An introduction and conclusion help to frame the author’s central thesis and underscore the impact computers are having on our society (“We use the power of these great machines to make life more productive and meaningful”), while the four cohesive body paragraphs each detail one of those impacts.

Varied transitional devices ease the reader from one paragraph to the next (“First of all … Another avenue of computers … One of the other grand features … Finally, the last of the great features”).

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is very effective and fits this level and type of assignment (“One of the other grand features that computers also possess is the power to retain information and keep it stored without fear of losing it. Through the years important documents and information have been stored on paper and have been organized in file boxes which have proven to be hard to find and messy”). Demonstrating precise language use and artful word choice, the author minimizes the number of awkward sentences that could

appear in the essay to detract from the author’s authoritative voice and direct connection to the desired audience (“This cleans the idea of using paper and the fear of having it and never to be found again”).

Mechanics & Conventions

Nearly free of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, the author displays very effective control of the conventions and mechanics of writing.

Model Essay

How many times do we turn on a light switch and not even think twice about it? Our society does not even realize that without the light switch we all would be back in the "Dark Ages". The light switch is merely one example of the most important invention in this country: electricity. Without it the world would be dark.

Electricity is the most important technological advancement because it is the basis of how we live our lives today. From the light switch all the way to the personal computer, electricity plays a key role in our everyday existence. Our day begins with the hit of a switch; turning on the electric coffee maker and ends with plugging in our children's nightlights, and our society takes this all for granted. Although there have been many positive effects that have come with electricity one negative effect would be the increase in laziness among our citizens.

We are now unwilling to spend the extra ten minutes washing dishes, we have electric dishwashers that do that and we now are unwilling to spend the extra minute opening up a can, we have electric can openers. During the summer of 2003 blackout, our main concern was the lack of air conditioners or missing our favorite television show; while we were waiting for our AC's to get turned back on, people in other countries are struggling to survive with just the window open, not even aware of what an air conditioner does. How can the US take such an advantage for granted?

Although there are many negative effect of electricity, in this country the positive effects of electricity out weigh the bad. The Healthcare industry alone has gone through so many technological advancements that would not have been able to take place without the help of electricity. Patients who have a family history of heart disease can be monitored much easier with the help of the heart monitor and faster working tools can now perform surgeries.

Could Las Vegas be what it is today without the invention of electricity? The city of lights would not exist with out the help of one of the biggest electric plants in the world, the Hoover dam. Although it is mainly powered by waterpower it provides a major source of electricity throughout Nevada. So many machines are using the power of electricity and if not some can use batteries.

To think the advantages and advances we have with electricity has taken us so far from the past; we started with just a candle for light and doing labor by hand. The world would be a different place today without the power of electricity. Electricity is a big advancement in people’s lives and has changed and affected them as well. Thanks to Thomas Jefferson the light is always on.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

By opening this essay with a question (“How many times do we turn on a light switch and not even think twice about it?”), the author sets out to highlight the value of electricity to our modern society (“Our society does not even realize that without the light switch we all would be back in the "Dark Ages". The light switch is merely one example of the most important invention in this country: electricity”).

Remaining focused on this interesting and clear controlling idea, the author demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience of this writing assignment. The author ably completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

While outlining the impact of electricity on the modern world, the author is able to describe both the positive and negative effects of the technology and even make an insightful connection about its worldwide availability (“During the summer of 2003 blackout our main concern was the lack of air conditioners or

missing our favorite television show; while we were waiting for our AC's to get turned back on, people in other countries are struggling to survive with just the window open, not even aware of what an air

conditioner does”). Using sufficient and appropriate details, the author paints a meaningful picture of the effect of electricity on the modern world.

Organization

Overall, this essay demonstrates good organization. A catchy introduction and conclusion drive the

reader’s attention to the author’s central idea, which is detailed in each of the body paragraphs. The impact of the essay’s organization could be improved by moving the third paragraph, the only one that discusses the negative effect of electricity, to the end of the essay. Its current placement interrupts the flow of the author’s argument, which is outlined in the introduction.

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language works well for this type of essay. While not overly complicated, the author demonstrates appropriate language use and word choice, shows some evidence of voice, and expresses a clear sense of audience. Most of the sentences are well-structured, although a few awkward exceptions are evident (“To think the advantages and advances we have with electricity as taken us so far from the past with just a candle for light and doing labor by hand”).

Mechanics & Conventions

Aside from a few errors in grammar (“Although there are many negative effect of electricity”), mechanics, punctuation, and spelling (“advancesments”), that do not interfere with the message, the author exercises good control of the conventions and mechanics of writing.

Model Essay

Ever since the Internet was invented, the world has been spinning so fast. In some ways, some people believe that the Internet resolves our personal lives and at work. However, educators and psychologists wonder about the impact on the net. If the Internet is all it takes to solve all the problems, we will not feel the emptiness in our lives.

The encouraging effect of this high technology is the great benefits of learning. In a relatively short period of time, learners have adopted new ways of getting information and to some extent; people could easily share their research with the rest of the world. Before the Internet was created, students could only find books to gain ideas. The self-education is so convenient these days.

Also, the Internet advances by leaps and bounds; you can save the trips to go to far places to meet friends. What is really interesting is now all you need to do is logging on the Internet to choose the variety way of communications like writing e-mails, using ICQ (I see you) so on and so forth.

It sounds like the Internet save humankind and makes lives and schools better. But is it really so? The answer is no. We are not really aware of how it distances and distracts us from our own lives. We talk to people whom we do not know on the net instead of talking to people who are important and around us. We play games on the net instead of playing balls outside. We tend to believe that story lines on the screens are real instead of experiencing real life.

To better our life is everyone's goal. People constantly pursuit better life by inventing high technology. There is nothing wrong about it. The appeal of the Internet will continue to grow. However, we need to

stop and think what are really good for us sometimes. Where you draw a line between reality and vitality is very essential.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author seeks to evaluate the impact of the Internet on our modern society. Far from simply extolling the virtues of the Internet without question, the author seeks to express some of its

negative qualities as well (“Ever since the Internet was invented, the world has been spinning so fast. In some ways, some people believe that the Internet resolves our personal lives and at work. However,

educators and psychologists wonder about the impact on the net”). While the author maintains adequate focus on this controlling idea, the author’s ability to communicate through writing limits the impact of the central thesis. Thus, despite the relative maturity of the controlling idea, the essay as a whole emerges as a merely adequate response to the purpose and audience of this writing assignment. The author has adequately completed the assigned task.

Content & Development

The author develops this critical look at the Internet using sufficient details to illustrate the controlling idea.

By noting both positive and negative effects of the technology (“The encouraging effect of this high

technology is the great benefits of learning” and “We talk to people whom we do not know on the net instead of talking to people who are important and around us”), the author lends credibility to his/her argument and helps the reader attain a deeper appreciation of this technology.

Organization

This essay is adequately organized, but could stand to be improved. The language of the introduction, for instance, is somewhat unclear (“Ever since the Internet was invented, the world has been spinning so fast. In some ways, some people believe that the Internet resolves our personal lives and at work. However, educators and psychologists wonder about the impact on the net. If the Internet is all it takes to solve all the problems, we will not feel the emptiness in our lives”). The body is mostly organized, and the conclusion produces the kind of clarity that could guide the introduction (“However, we need to stop and think what are really good for us sometimes. Where you draw a line between reality and vitality is very essential”).

Language Use & Style

The key challenge in this essay does not rest with the author’s ideas, it rests with the author’s ability to use language to transmit these ideas. Using primarily simple words and sentences, the author displays

difficulty with word choice and sentence structure (“The self-education is so convenient these days” and “Also, the Internet advances by leaps and bounds”). It is clear to the reader that the author is aware of the intended audience, and seeks to address this essay to it, but has difficulty using language in this effort.

Mechanics & Conventions

Numerous errors in grammar (“People constantly pursuit better life by inventing high technology”),

mechanics (“What is really interesting is now all you need to do is logging on the Internet to choose the variety way of communications like writing e-mails, using ICQ (I see you) so on and so forth”), punctuation, and spelling highlight the author’s uncertain command of the conventions and mechanics of writing.

Model Essay

Houston we are clear for take off. It’s a bird it’s a plane no it’s a space shuttle. One major thing in technology that amazes me is the fact that we can go to space. Space shuttles and satellites all in space and floating around our globe. The fact that we can get to space is a big effect in technology.

Space shuttles are a big thing now. We are going into space and the space shuttle is the thing that protects our astronauts. Starting from the land and then thousands and millions miles away. Space shuttles are helping use fix our satellites. They even set out a new satellite so we can see the conditions in space. There have been a few space shuttle disasters but NASA is making it so the shuttles will last and so will astronauts. Space shuttles cost a lot of money and even more to send them into the great beyond. Shuttles are a big piece of equipment and you never want an Oh-No look on your face. That just spells disaster for you and your friends on the shuttle. Rockets used to be the transportation to space but no it is the smaller but safer space shuttle. The Discovery is just one of the shuttles that is in operation now. Technology has been a big effect and the space shuttle is just one example of this.

Another big thing we are focusing on is a satellite in space. They take pictures of foreign planets and of our planet.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

From the very opening of this essay (“Houston we are clear for take off”) the reader expects to learn something of how the technology of space travel has had an impact on modern society. Unfortunately, while the author makes clear his/her appreciation of the technology, little is said to shed light on its impact. Addressed to the proper audience, but only tangentially addressing the purpose of this writing task, this author has only partially completed the assigned task.

Content & Development

In the body of this essay, the author has much to say about the space shuttle, but little of it is germane to this assignment. The author does note that the technology is used to launch satellites (“Space shuttles are

helping use fix our satellites. They even set out a new satellite so we can see the conditions in space”), but the impact of this reality is left unplumbed. With such brief and inconsistent development and so few details, it is difficult for the reader to make a reasonable conclusion about the final impact of this technology.

Organization

The introduction of this essay cleverly sets the stage for the essay to come (“Houston we are clear for take off. It’s a bird it’s a plane no it’s a space shuttle”), but quickly loses its focus (“One major thing in technology that amazes me is the fact that we can go to space. Space shuttles and satellites all in space and floating around our globe. The fact that we can get to space is a big effect in technology”). The body paragraph lacks a unifying direction and appears to the reader to simply list facts and ideas about the Space Shuttle without leading to a meaningful conclusion.

Language Use & Style

This author displays some real difficulty in using words and sentences to communicate with the intended

audience, even though the level of the author’s vocabulary is probably appropriate for this task. Numerous sentence fragments and otherwise simple sentences leave the reader hanging and fail to help the author advance his/her message to the intended audience (“Space shuttles and satellites all in space and floating

around our globe” and “Starting from the land and then thousands and millions miles away”).

Mechanics & Conventions

The author’s limited control of the conventions and mechanics of writing allows for the inclusion of several noticeable errors in grammar (“Technology has been a big effect and the space shuttle is just one example of this”), mechanics, punctuation and spelling that do interfere with the communication of the message.

Model Essay

Technology and the changes it brings can have a very big effect on our lives. DVD players has had a large change on our lives in this country. More and more people are purchasing these digital video disc and it is causing the purchasing rate of vhs to decrease. DVD players has allow people to rewind fast forward faster than an VHS player. DVD players has also allow people to play music cds. DVD players has effect our lives by making it possible for people to have a portable digital video disc for their cars and while they are in public places that dose not have a television available. DVD players have effected our lives by making it possible.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

DVD technology is the subject of this essay. The author suggests a controlling idea that is appropriate for this writing task (“Technology and the changes it brings can have a very big effect on our lives. DVD players has had a large change on our lives in this country”), but provides little in the way of additional meaning for the reader. With so little development, it must be said that this essay inadequately completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

The author cites three reasons for selecting the DVD player as an important new technology (“DVD players has allow people to rewind fast forward faster than an VHS player ... DVD players has also allow people to play music cds ... DVD players has effect our lives by making it possible for people to have a portable digital video disc for their cars and while they are in public places that dose not have a television

available”). However, few additional details are supplied to help the reader appreciate the importance of these effects, which in and of themselves strike the reader as petty.

Organization

In the single paragraph developed, there is little room for more than a basic organizational scheme. Opened by an introductory remark (“Technology and the changes it brings can have a very big effect on our lives. DVD players has had a large change on our lives in this country”), the body of the essay is merely a list of effects of the DVD player, and the essay trails off and ends incompletely.

Language Use & Style

The author displays poor language use, showing little control of voice and failing to adequately address the desired audience. Basic errors in sentence structure and word choice further compound the author’s

difficulty in using writing to convey meaningful ideas. (“DVD players have effected our lives by making it possible”).

Mechanics & Conventions

The author’s control of the conventions and mechanics of writing is limited. Significant errors in grammar, mechanics (“DVD players has had a large change on our lives in this country”), punctuation, and spelling substantially detract from the communication of the author’s message.

Model Essay

The technological change that has had the largest effect on life in this country is automatically flushing toilets in public restrooms. I chose this because I think this new technology makes public restrooms more sanitary and cuts down on the cost of cleaning. That's what I think.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

It is unclear whether this author has a firm understanding of the purpose and audience of this writing task. The author makes a statement that could be interpreted as a controlling idea (“The technological change that has had the largest effect on life in this country is automatically flushing toilets in public restrooms”). Sadly, the author fails to provide any meaningful development of this idea, and thus it’s meaning is negligible. With little understanding of the purpose and audience of this writing prompt, the author completes no parts of the assigned task.

Content & Development

Aside from a single sentence explaining why the author made the choice s/he did (“I chose this because I think this new technology makes public restrooms more sanitary and cuts down on the cost of cleaning”), no details are used to support the author’s choice of technology or to explain how it has impacted our modern world.

Organization

This essay demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no independent introduction or conclusion and no evidence of transitional devices. The concluding remark (“That's what I think”) is more spiteful than anything else.

Language Use & Style

While the author’s vocabulary level is appropriate to this task, too little has been written for this fact to have a positive impact on the overall quality of this essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

Few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling have been committed in this essay. Although it must be said that this response is too short to accurately ascertain the author’s real competence with the conventions and mechanics of writing.

The automobile is arguably the most important invention of the past several hundred years.

How has the automobile affected our culture? What are its most important effects on our lifestyle? Why has the automobile had such a large effect on our culture?

Write an essay to be read by your classroom teacher explaining the influence the automobile has had on our culture and the reasons why.

Model Essay

The number of cars on the planet is increasing three times faster than the population growth. Car manufacturing is now the largest industry in the world with around 50 million cars being added to the roads per year. Why is that? The invention of the first true automobile in 1886 has had an incredible impact on our world. Without automobiles, many of us would not be able to attend our current schools, jobs, grocery stores, or recreational areas. However, the automobile has also had many negative effects, such as an increases in deaths and environmental pollution. Where would we be today without our precious car waiting in the garage?

The automobile plays a large role in the development of the world by allowing people to get places faster and go longer distances at ease. Job offices and schools can be miles from the home and still fit into schedule. Because automobiles enhance our distances and efficiency in transportation, towns and cities can also expand and grow at great lengths. Another advantage is the speed of receiving emergency attention such as rushing to a hospital or having a fire truck, ambulance, or police car come for assistance. Finally, the automobile has made traveling long distances easier, more comfortable, more convenient, and more desirable. Instead of trudging along with a rickety horse and buggy, people can move in style with comfortable seating, good music, and heating/air conditioning units.

Automobiles may have their glamorous advantages, but they also account for many drawbacks and dangers. Stylish cars are now a form of showing your status. Because of this, people often feel a need to compete with and outdo one another, resorting to whatever it may be they have to do to achieve that high ranking. Studies estimate auto theft to be a $7.5 million business. Not only do automobiles increase crime and vandalism, but they also heighten serious injury and death rates. Research says that there are around 15,000,000 serious injuries and 500,000 worldwide road deaths per year. As if that was not bad enough, in the United States the annual cost of motor vehicle crashes is $70 billion. Are the defects of the automobile beginning to outweigh the benefits?

Crime and death are horrible influences on society from automobiles, but it does not stop there. World pollution and health problems are also continuously on the rise. While the world's population doubled in 46 years, the number of cars increased tenfold. This mass production of cars accounts for $100 million in wasted fuel, lost productivity, and mounting health costs in the United States. In America, wasted fuel such as the 350 million gallons of motor oil per year, in turn ends up polluting our environment. The pollution then fans out to deteriorate the ozone, increase global warming, and heighten health problems.

Contamination by cars on the ground ozone escalates hazy smog levels, lung cancer, respiratory problems, urban smog, and acid rain. By going about our daily lives and driving from place to place, are we slowly infecting and destroying our world?

As research proves, the invention and rapid spread of automobiles has an incomprehensible influence on our world, environment, industrial congestion, health issues, and daily lives. The real question is whether or not the rewards of automobiles are worth the deficiencies. Life as we know it is intensely hindered, both for

positive and negative reasons, by the automobile and the fact that it is our prime source of transportation each and every day.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this thoughtful essay, the author successfully establishes an insightful thesis. (“The invention of the first true automobile in 1886 has had an incredible impact on our world.”) Remaining focused on this controlling idea, which is expanded and further developed as the essay progresses, the student displays a thorough understanding of the purpose and the audience. This essay certainly completes all parts of the task very effectively.

Content & Development

The development of this essay goes into an in-depth exploration of how automobiles played a role in the development of our current society as well as the positive and negative impact they have had. The first body paragraph explores how cars help “by allowing people to get places faster and go longer distances at ease.” The paragraph proceeds by offering a number of examples to assist in illustrating this point.

(“Because automobiles enhance our distances and efficiency in transportation, towns and cities can also expand and grow at great lengths. Another advantage is the speed of receiving emergency attention such as rushing to a hospital or having a fire truck, ambulance, or police car come for assistance.”) The next two paragraphs discuss the downsides of automobiles. (“Stylish cars are now a form of showing your status.

Because of this, people often feel a need to compete with and outdo one another, resorting to whatever it may be they have to do to achieve that high ranking. Studies estimate auto theft to be a $7.5 million business.”) This student obviously understands how to support his/her point by artfully incorporating a wide variety of details that support the thesis.

Organization

This essay is exceptionally well organized. The introductory paragraph begins with a hook (“The number of cars on the planet is increasing three times faster than the population growth”) and proceeds to establish the controlling idea. Each body paragraph begins with an effective topic sentence and uses transitional phrases where appropriate. (“Crime and death are horrible influences on society from automobiles, but it does not stop there. World pollution and health problems are also continuously on the rise.”) The conclusion is also effective because it gives a strong summary of the author’s argument.

Language Use & Style

The essay is composed using very effective and sophisticated language. The author is able to demonstrate a defined stylistic voice throughout the essay. (“By going about our daily lives and driving from place to

place, are we slowly infecting and destroying our world?”) This demonstrates precise and artful language and word choice. (“Life as we know it is intensely hindered, both for positive and negative reasons, by the automobile and the fact that it is our prime source of transportation each and every day.”) Additionally, the response is constructed of well-structured and varied sentences. (“Finally, the automobile has made

traveling long distances easier, more comfortable, more convenient, and more desirable. Instead of trudging along with a rickety horse and buggy, people can move in style with comfortable seating, good music, and heating/air conditioning units.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Nearly free of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, the author demonstrates very effective control over the conventions of standard written English.

Model Essay

What would have it felt like to have to walk everywhere, to not experience the world, and to not be able to experience different products that are made from all over? Thanks to the automobile most people in this country do not have to experience that. The automobile is one of the greatest inventions of all time. The automobile has affected our culture, our lifestyle and the economy in both positive and negative ways.

The automobile has affected our culture in many ways. From the beginning of the automobile era, the affects had started. It brought about the assembly line, which is still used today to produce many products. The automobile has also affected the way people live or family class. Automobiles allow people to go to another town in order to get to a better, high paying job. This allows families to live in a much better enviroment and be able to enjoy life. Families are able to visit each other because of automobiles. This makes families closer together and it makes for a better world.

Our lifestyle is affected by the automobile in a number of ways. With the use of the assembly line we are able to enhance our lives. We are able to enhance our lives because of the number of products that are made in our every day lives. These products are transported to various stores by the use of automobile. Some people have great interests in automobiles. They have hobbies that involve cars to take up some free time. With the use of automobiles, famlies are able to eat more because they can transport more food from the grocery store to their house rather than walking.

The country's economy is greatly affected by the automobile. To run the automobile we need gasoline. People have to buy gas which can get rather expensive over time. The automobile gives people jobs, too. Truck drivers and mechanics would not have their jobs if it were not for the automobile. The invention of the automobile brought about the invention of match box cars and model cars. People make a great amount of money from this.

A negative affect of the automobile is the affect on the body's health. The exhaust produced from the automobile dispersed into our air. People breathe this air in which is how our health is affected. People have to give a lot of money into the automobile for gas and to take care of it.

Our lifestyle, culture and economy has been affected by all these reasons. There are many more positive effects from the automobile than there is negative. Our every day lives are affected by the uses of the automobile. There will be many more types and uses for the automobile for years to come. All this thanks to the beginning of the automobile.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This author establishes a clear thesis that demonstrates an understanding of the purpose of the task. (“The automobile has affected our culture, our lifestyle and the economy in both positive and negative ways.”) The author remains focused on delivering the controlling idea to the intended audience throughout the course of the essay. The author understands the assignment and successfully completes the task.

Content & Development

This essay develops ideas using specific and relevant details and examples. The first body paragraph gives a detailed account of the effect of automobiles on families. (“Automobiles allow people to go to another town in order to get to a better, high paying job. This allows families to live in a much better enviroment

and be able to enjoy life. Families are able to visit each other because of automobiles.”) The third body paragraph discusses the effects of cars on the economy and business. (“The automobile gives people jobs, too. Truck drivers and mechanics would not have their jobs if it were not for the automobile. The invention of the automobile brought about the invention of match box cars and model cars. People make a great

amount of money from this.”) By using sufficient supporting information, this author is able to effectively complete the assigned task.

Organization

This essay constructs a mostly unified organizational structure. The iIntroduction begins with an attention getter and develops the author’s thesis. Each body paragraph begins with a focused topic sentence. (“The

country's economy is greatly affected by the automobile.”) However, the student could further improve the structure of this essay, by incorporating more transitional devices between the supporting ideas. The

conclusion strongly summarizes the author’s main points.

Language Use & Style

In this response, the language use and style are appropriate and effective. By consistently referring to the prompt (“The automobile has affected our culture in many ways”), the author shows a clear understanding of the task and the intended audience. While some sentences are somewhat simple or even confusing (“What would have it felt like to have to walk everywhere, to not experience the world, and to not be able to experience different products that are made from all over?”), these instances are rare and do not distract the reader.

Mechanics & Conventions

This response is not without errors. However, the few mistakes in spelling (“environment”) and grammar (“Our every day lives are affected by the uses of the automobile”) do not interfere with the intended message.

Model Essay

The automobile is one of the most important inventions man has created. We can now get to our destinations faster and easier. Throughout the years it has become more accessible to anyone who wants to purchase one. Without the automobile, we would either walk or use a bicycle. It not only to gets us to our destination quicker but it also gets us there more comfortably.

It has affected our culture because it has made our lives easier. The automobile was an even bigger hit when Henry Ford came out with the Model T vehicle because he made it cheaper so that even an average person can purchase one. If there was no automobile we wouldn't be able to get anywhere quicker and that would influence the whole world. If Hospitals didn't have ambulances many people would die because they wouldn't get the medical attention that they need. If supermarkets didn't trucks, they wouldn't be able to get their produce to the stores on time.

The automobile has such a large effect on our culture because of the way they market their cars. They say that they can get us to our destination quicker but still saving money on gas and producing less pollution. They are also cheaper and easier to buy because different brands of cars are competing with each other.

The bad influence the automobile has had on our culture is that we depend on it so much that we use it as a necessity when sometimes it really isn't. We have gotten lazier and gained more weight because we should walk to places where we don't need a car. It has also polluted the ozone and air that we are on the verge of global warming and people are getting sick because of the dirty air. If we keep using cars when it is not a necessity, they will pollute this world to the point where it will no longer be livable.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay can best be completed described as an adequate completion of the task. The author immediately establishes a controlling idea. (“The automobile is one of the most important inventions man has created… It not only to gets us to our destination quicker but it also gets us there more comfortably.”) The response demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the assignment (“It has affected our culture because it has made our lives easier.”) and completes many parts of the task.

Content & Development

The author uses some specific and accurate details to support his/her ideas. The response explains when the automobile became popular (“The automobile was an even bigger hit when Henry Ford came out with the Model T vehicle because he made it cheaper so that even an average person can purchase one.”) and gives examples of how it affected our world. (“If Hospitals didn't have ambulances many people would die

because they wouldn't get the medical attention that they need.”) The essay could be improved if the second body paragraph provided more details. However, the response does contain adequate content and development.

Organization

This essay demonstrates a generally unified structure. The introduction attempts to grab the reader’s

attention (“The automobile is one of the most important inventions man has created. We can now get to our destinations faster and easier. “) and establishes the controlling idea. The first body paragraph begins with a focused topic sentence. (“It has affected our culture because it has made our lives easier.”) Although the second body paragraph lacks the strong organization of the paragraph that precedes it, it does seem to center around the problems involved with the marketing of cars. The last paragraph, which describes the

bad influences cars have on our culture (“We have gotten lazier and gained more weight because we should walk to places where we don't need a car.”), needs more clarification as to whether it is an additional body paragraph or whether it is the concluding paragraph of the essay.

Language Use & Style

The author writes in a style that is generally appropriate for this task and expresses an awareness of the audience. The sentences are generally well-structured and show some variety. (“Throughout the years it has become more accessible to anyone who wants to purchase one. Without the automobile, we would either walk or use a bicycle.”) This student’s word choice is also appropriate for the assigned task. (“The bad influence the automobile has had on our culture is that we depend on it so much that we use it as a

necessity when sometimes it really isn't.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The student obviously demonstrates good control of the conventions of standard written English. Although there are a few errors in punctuation and grammar, these mistakes do not interfere with the intended message.

Model Essay

Do you think that automobiles are the best invention ever? Well i do, automobiles have been around ever since I can remember. In our culture automobile is and essential in life these days. Automobiles have changed throughout the years like now there are new models that save the earth like hybrid cars and cars that don't use gasoline to preserve the environment.

In our culture we need cars like for example everyone has to go to work in order to survive this life. Even if you take the bus it still involves transportation of an automobile. The first car was invented about 100 years ago and it has advance alot since then. There has been many kinds of cars like trade marks for example Chevrolet, Dodge and GMC.

The new kind of cars this mellenium are hybrid and electric powered cars. The hybrid car runs on gas but it dosent give out smoke, that smoke turns into energy. The electric powered cars run on electricity and you just have to plug it in to a outlet. I think that thats a very smart idea because those kind of cars dont damage the ozone layer like the gasoline powered cars.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author of this essay attempts to establish a controlling idea. (“In our culture automobile is and essential in life these days.”) However, since the essay does not answer all of the questions the assignment poses, (such as, “What are the most important effects on our lifestyle,?”), the author demonstrates little understanding of the purpose of the task. This response only demonstrates limited focus and meaning.

Content & Development

Although the author does attempt to include some details to support his/her position, the ideas are

insufficiently developed. The second paragraph briefly mentions society’s need for cars (“In our culture we need cars like for example everyone has to go to work in order to survive this life. Even if you take the bus it still involves transportation of an automobile.”) but then fails to further elaborate the point. The third

paragraph offers some examples of alternative automobiles. (“The new kind of cars this mellenium are hybrid and electric powered cars. The hybrid car runs on gas but it dosent give out smoke, that smoke turns into energy. The electric powered cars run on electricity and you just have to plug it in to a outlet.”) However, the author does not succeed in making the connection between this supporting detail and the writing assignment.

Organization

In the course of three short paragraphs, the author constructs a limited organizational structure. The

introduction makes an attempt at grabbing the reader’s attention. (“Do you think that automobiles are the best invention ever?”) The first body paragraph lacks a focus. Rather, it begins by affirming how important cars are to getting people to work. Then, however, it switches to a discussion of when the first car was created. The third paragraph discusses the new types of cars automobile companies are coming out with, but does not directly address the prompt. Also, this response is missing a concluding paragraph.

Language Use & Style

The author’s language is mediocre, marked by simple language and the occasional confusing sentence. (“In our culture automobile is and essential in life these days.”) The student’s choice of words is limited and ordinary, but not wholly inadequate. (“I think that thats a very smart idea because those kind of cars dont damage the ozone layer like the gasoline powered cars.”) The essay does attempt to address an audience, although the language use is somewhat insufficient.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author demonstrates limited control of conventions and mechanics. There are several noticeable errors in spelling (“dosent”), punctuation (“Well i do”), and grammar (“There has been many kinds of cars”). The errors, however, do not substantially interfere with the intended message.

Model Essay

The effecets of automobile' cars have make alot of pollution and pollution is very bad because it affected earth and affected everything and they use a lot of gasoline and gasoline is very bad and is very expensive . Polution afected trees and affected everything around us.

The good thing about cars is that take you anywhere and you could get anywhere real fast and thats very good. The other thing about cars that theres a lot of accident in the freeway because of drunk drivers people talking on the phone getting distracted by the conversecion that they are having. The good thing about car that you get faster really fast.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response suggests a controlling idea (“The effecets of automobile' cars have make alot of pollution and pollution is very bad because it affected earth…”), but it is unclear and underdeveloped. The author does not maintain or support the idea with meaningful details and, therefore, completes few parts of the task.

This essay demonstrates only a minimal understanding of the purpose of the assignment.

Content & Development

This response develops ideas incompletely and inadequately. The attempt to explain the positive and negative effects of automobiles is weakened by the brevity of the response. Although some effects are

listed (“The good thing about cars is that take you anywhere and you could get anywhere real fast and thats very good“), they are not elaborated or explained. Few details are used in support of the controlling idea (“Polution afected trees and affected everything around us.”), and they are only minimally developed.

Organization

Little evidence of organization is detected in this response. While the author seems to focus the first paragraph on the negative effects of automobiles and the second paragraph centers around the positive effects of automobiles, the structure is not consistent. For example, in the middle of the paragraph denoting the benefits of cars, the student writes, “The other thing about cars that theres a lot of accident in the freeway because of drunk drivers people talking on the phone getting distracted by the conversecion that

they are having.” The essay lacks an introduction, conclusion, and transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

The essay is composed using poor word choice and sentence structure. (“The effecets of automobile' cars have make alot of pollution and pollution is very bad because it affected earth and affected everything and they use a lot of gasoline and gasoline is very bad and is very expensive .”) The errors in language use are distracting to the reader and, therefore, show little awareness of audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

Several significant errors are easily detected in this essay. (“The good thing about car that you get faster really fast.”) Mistakes in spelling, punctuation, and grammar question the author’s ability to control the conventions of standard written English.

Model Essay

the car has greatly improved since the model T. Ford is now making supercars and retro sports cars. Chevy is making th top-of-the-line SSR. model T's are considered vintage and worth millions. Cars can be more safe than your house.Anchor Level: 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Although the author makes an attempt at establishing a thesis (“the car has greatly improved since the model T”), he/she fails to create any relevant meaning or focus. The author demonstrates no understanding of the purpose of the assignment and, therefore, completes no parts of the task.

Content & Development

This essay fails to develop support for its thesis. Even though the author suggests an idea (“Ford is now making supercars and retro sports cars. Chevy is making th top-of-the-line SSR. model T's are considered vintage and worth millions.”), it is not elaborated or adequately explained. This response does not inform the reader with sufficient information.

Organization

It is difficult to discern an organizational structure in a three-line response. The response resembles an attempt at writing a paragraph rather than an essay. It lacks an introduction and conclusion, proper paragraphing, and transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

The author’s language use and style are simple and often unclear. (“Cars can be more safe than your house.”) Major errors in sentence structure, word choice, and usage detract from the presentation of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author shows inadequate ability to control the standard conventions of written English. There are major errors in spelling, punctuation (“Chevy is making th top-of-the-line SSR. model T's are considered

vintage”), and grammar (“more safe “) that significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

“Before success comes in any man's life he is sure to meet with much temporary defeat and, perhaps, some failures. When defeat overtakes a man, the easiest and most logical thing to do is to quit. That is exactly what the majority of men do.” —Napoleon Hill

Many successful men and women would agree with this quote from Napoleon Hill. Those who become successful are not in the majority who quit when defeat “overtakes” them.

In a well-developed essay, relate the importance of not quitting when facing challenges as illustrated by the life of someone successful, and as experienced in your own life. Include details from both lives to support your discussion.

Model Essay

Part of being successful is having to overcome hardship. Being rich or powerful does not mean anything if you were born into it, or if it was just handed to you. You do not have to be rich or powerful to be considered successful in life. If you are successful, it simply means that you have overcome a trial or obstacle of some sort. Success can often be measured by progress. It can be measured by how far you have come compared to where you started. Success cannot be obtained if you quit. Walt Disney is a good example of a well known success story, and not giving up.

Disney did not have much growing up. His family moved around a bit, but he lived in Chicago for most of his young life. His father could not find steady work, and was cold and abusive. Determined to not end up like his father, at the age of 16, he dropped out of high school and served in the ambulance corps during World War 1. After the war, he became interested in animation. He decided to set up his own animation business, which went bankrupt. However, he did not give up. Disney set up a studio in Hollywood. His studio created well-loved characters, such as Donald Duck, Goofy, and Pluto. People called him crazy when he said he wanted to create a full-length animated feature. Ignoring the critics, he continued in his dream. The public fell in love with his production, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Following his first success, his studio proceeded in making many full-length animations, each as beloved as the first.

If Disney had not had such a rough start, it would not have been nearly as impressive that he ended up so well-off. The fact that he had to make it from such a hard beginning is what makes his story so amazing. This is why success is only attained by overcoming obstacles. That is the reason that success can be measured by progress. Disney did not quit when his first business went bankrupt. He did not give up when everybody ridiculed him for wanting to make a full-length animation. Disney worked hard for everything that he earned; he never gave up, even when things became difficult.

From experiences in my own life, I have learned that the satisfaction of accomplishing a task does not come unless there was some sort of trial in the process. I would not have felt so much gratification about making the varsity lacrosse team, if I had not had to practice for hours on end to get there. Just recently, I mastered a piece on the piano. This would not be such an accomplishment if I had not had to slowly practice each measure of the song hundreds of times to get it just right. Another principle that I have learned is that the true appreciation of success does not come unless there has previously been failure.

In Stephen Crane's novel The Red Badge of Courage, the main character, Henry Flemming, has convinced himself that he is a man. He thinks of himself as above everybody else. He believes that he is the bravest, the most courageous, a true hero, and better than every other soldier out there. By the end of the book, he realizes his foolishness. He comes to realize what being a real hero means. He says, "Yet gradually he mustered force to put the sin at a distance. And at last his eyes seemed to open to some new ways. He

found that he could look back upon the brass and bombast of his earlier gospels and see them truly. He was gleeful when he discovered that he now despised them."

Henry demonstrated that failure is a necessity before success. If Henry had not spent the entire war convincing himself that he was so magnificent, then he would not have been as amazed to see how wrong he was. Henry would not have been quite so gleeful about these new changes if he had been able to see his faults at the beginning. Had Henry been able to change at the beginning, before making all of his mistakes, this change would not have been such a success; Henry had to be wrong and fail before his growth was a big success. He was successful in the end, because he was able to overcome his failures and come out better off.

Success is not an easy thing to achieve. It depends upon the work put into it. The idea of success can also give us hope; it tells us that failing is not such a terrible thing. The principle tells us that if we are able to use failure to our advantage, we will come out on top. Anyone who has experienced success in their own life would agree that it is a worthy goal to strive towards, in all areas of life. The satisfaction of real success is worth the work required to receive it. Each of us should be willing to put in the effort and attain success in our own lives.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience. He/she effectively completes all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task. Notably, the writer leaves readers with a clear picture of how failure can lead to success in life.

The essay’s introduction focuses the readers’ attention very effectively by defining success in terms of

temporary failures that people must overcome. (“Part of being successful is having to overcome hardship. Being rich or powerful does not mean anything if you were born into it, or if it was just handed to you. You do not have to be rich or powerful to be considered successful in life. If you are successful, it simply means that you have overcome a trial or obstacle of some sort. Success can often be measured by progress. It can be measured by how far you have come compared to where you started. Success cannot be obtained if you quit. Walt Disney is a good example of a well known success story, and not giving up.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“Part of being successful is having to overcome hardship.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. (“He decided to set up his own animation business, which went bankrupt. However, he did not give up. Disney set up a studio in Hollywood. His studio created well-loved characters, such as Donald Duck, Goofy, and Pluto. People called him crazy when he said he wanted to create a full-length animated feature. Ignoring the critics, he continued in his dream. The public fell in love with his production, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Following his first success, his studio proceeded in making many full-length animations, each as beloved as the first.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully, using a wide variety of appropriate details for support.

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (“If Disney had not had such a rough start, it would not have been nearly as impressive that he ended up so well-off. The fact that he had to make it from such a hard beginning is what makes his story so amazing. This is why success is only attained by overcoming obstacles. That is the reason that success can be measured by progress. Disney did not quit when his first business went bankrupt. He did not give up when everybody ridiculed him for wanting to

make a full-length animation. Disney worked hard for everything that he earned; he never gave up, even when things became difficult.”)

Relevant points from the writer’s own experience very effectively explain and illustrate how success can

come from perseverance over time. (“From experiences in my own life, I have learned that the satisfaction of accomplishing a task does not come unless there was some sort of trial in the process. I would not have felt so much gratification about making the varsity lacrosse team, if I had not had to practice for hours on end to get there. Just recently, I mastered a piece on the piano. This would not be such an accomplishment if I had not had to slowly practice each measure of the song hundreds of times to get it just right. Another principle that I have learned is that the true appreciation of success does not come unless there has previously been failure.”)

The writer uses situations from a novel to show the idea of failure and its relationship to success. Specific information about the main character is developed very effectively. (“In Stephen Crane's novel The Red Badge of Courage, the main character, Henry Flemming, has convinced himself that he is a man. He thinks of himself as above everybody else. He believes that he is the bravest, the most courageous, a true hero, and better than every other soldier out there. By the end of the book, he realizes his foolishness. He comes to

realize what being a real hero means. He says, ‘Yet gradually he mustered force to put the sin at a distance. And at last his eyes seemed to open to some new ways. He found that he could look back upon the brass and bombast of his earlier gospels and see them truly. He was gleeful when he discovered that he now

despised them.’”)

Organization

The writer effectively captures the readers’ attention in the introduction by addressing preconceived notions of success. He/she implies that success is not the opposite of failure; instead, it is the positive result that

comes out of failure. (“Part of being successful is having to overcome hardship. Being rich or powerful does not mean anything if you were born into it, or if it was just handed to you. You do not have to be rich or powerful to be considered successful in life. If you are successful, it simply means that you have overcome a trial or obstacle of some sort. Success can often be measured by progress. It can be measured by how far you have come compared to where you started. Success cannot be obtained if you quit. Walt Disney is a good example of a well known success story, and not giving up.”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect ideas between sentences and paragraphs. (“From experiences in my own life, I have learned that the satisfaction of accomplishing a task does not come unless there was some sort of trial in the process. I would not have felt so much gratification about making the varsity lacrosse team, if I had not had to practice for hours on end to get there. Just recently, I mastered a piece on the piano. This would not be such an accomplishment if I had not had to slowly practice each measure of the song hundreds of times to get it just right. Another principle that I have learned is that the true appreciation of success does not come unless there has previously been failure.”)

The writer includes an ending that sums up the importance of not quitting when faced with challenges, and it also provides readers with a sense of closure. (“Success is not an easy thing to achieve. It depends upon the work put into it. The idea of success can also give us hope; it tells us that failing is not such a terrible thing. The principle tells us that if we are able to use failure to our advantage, we will come out on top.

Anyone who has experienced success in their own life would agree that it is a worthy goal to strive towards, in all areas of life. The satisfaction of real success is worth the work required to receive it. Each of us should be willing to put in the effort and attain success in our own lives.”)

Language Use & Style

adds to the effectiveness of the writer’s response.

The writer demonstrates use of strong voice throughout the response. (“Disney did not have much growing up. His family moved around a bit, but he lived in Chicago for most of his young life. His father could not find steady work, and was cold and abusive. Determined to not end up like his father, at the age of 16, he dropped out of high school and served in the ambulance corps during World War 1. After the war, he became interested in animation. He decided to set up his own animation business, which went bankrupt.

However, he did not give up. Disney set up a studio in Hollywood. His studio created well-loved characters, such as Donald Duck, Goofy, and Pluto. People called him crazy when he said he wanted to create a full-length animated feature. Ignoring the critics, he continued in his dream. The public fell in love with his production, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Following his first success, his studio proceeded in making many full-length animations, each as beloved as the first.”)

The writer chooses descriptive words and quotes to effectively describe the character of Henry Flemming. (“In Stephen Crane's novel The Red Badge of Courage, the main character, Henry Flemming, has

convinced himself that he is a man. He thinks of himself as above everybody else. He believes that he is the bravest, the most courageous, a true hero, and better than every other soldier out there. By the end of the book, he realizes his foolishness. He comes to realize what being a real hero means. He says, ‘Yet gradually he mustered force to put the sin at a distance. And at last his eyes seemed to open to some new ways. He found that he could look back upon the brass and bombast of his earlier gospels and see them

truly. He was gleeful when he discovered that he now despised them.’”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“Henry demonstrated that failure is a necessity before success. If Henry had not spent the entire war convincing himself that he was so magnificent, then he would not have been as amazed to see how wrong he was. Henry would not have been quite so gleeful about these new changes if he had been able to see his faults at the beginning. Had Henry been able to change at the beginning, before making all of his mistakes, this change would not have been such a success; Henry had to be wrong and fail before his growth was a big success. He was successful in the end, because he was able to overcome his failures and come out better off.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Goofy, and Pluto. People called him crazy when he said he wanted to create a full-length animated feature. Ignoring the critics, he continued in his dream. The public fell in love with his production, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”)

Model Essay

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again." "I think I can; I think I can." Most people in the world have heard these phrases at some point in his or her life. Both of these quotes can be used to demonstrate the idea of perseverance. Perseverance is endurance, patience, and "hanging in there" in spite of obstacles, adversity, or suffering. The idea of perseverance is within every culture, race and religion. It is to persevere, and to this day it is still a very important and vital virtue to have.

The story of "The Little Steam Engine" which is found in The Book of Virtues is a good example of perseverance. The little steam engine was faced with a problem. It was too hard for him to pull his cars up a hill by himself. Instead of just giving up and quitting, he decided to ask others for help. He came across many obstacles though. The other steam engines kept refusing to help him he eventually managed to do it on his own. Though there are many cliche stories like this to encourage children to keep trying until they have reach their goal, it is very true, if people constantly gave up there was be no progress in the world to pull us forward.

For example, one summer my sister was trying to teach me to play basketball, every time I tried to shoot the ball I would miss. After missing the basket a few times I was tempted to accept the fact that I was no good at basketball but my sister kept encouraging me to pick up the ball and try again. Then she taught me a technique to aim for a certain part of the backboard, after following her instructions I begin making baskets back to back. Now that I look back at this incident I realize that it wasn't that I was bad at basketball, the problem was that I didn't know the technique and sometime you need to know more about what it is you're trying to achieve before diving right into it and also, that it's not wrong to have a helping hand.

My role model, Martin Luther King, also persevered to accomplish the goal of unity among various races. Imagine what the world would be like if he had given up? We wouldn't be where we are today. Though others tried to knock him down and tell him that he was fighting a losing battle he overcame all the obstacles. He even had help from other people such as Rosa Parks to help him in achieving his goal. Today we read about him in the history book, he was living proof that if you put your mind to something it's possible to obtain. Even the greatest people experienced failure before being successful.

To continue, failure is only proof that that method doesn't work. In society, the people who experience failure the most would definitively be scientists because the constantly have to try different chemical and combinations before finding the one that works. If they gave up after failing a few times we wouldn't have medications and vaccinations that help to keep us healthy. Every day they become I step closer to finding cures to diseases because they preserver and motivate themselves to keep trying.

In conclusion, it is important to preserver because apart of reaching success is being able to appreciate the value of it. It's important to motivate yourself and ask for help if its needed, always remember that your mind is powerful beyond measure and you can reach any goal if you want it badly enough. Let failure be your motivator to dust yourself off and try again until you get it right, try different techniques if that's what it takes. Do not underestimate yourself and be knowledgeable of your goal before getting into it so you're prepared for what lies ahead and last but not least you can do it!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The language of the thesis fits the examples very well. (“Perseverance is endurance, patience, and ‘hanging in there’ in spite of obstacles, adversity, or suffering.”)

The essay’s introduction captures the readers’ attention by focusing on the idea of failure as being a

temporary state that leads to success. (“‘If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.’ ‘I think I can; I think I can.’ Most people in the world have heard these phrases at some point in his or her life. Both of these quotes can be used to demonstrate the idea of perseverance.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. (“The story of ‘The Little Steam Engine’ which is found in The Book of Virtues is a good example of perseverance. The little steam engine was faced with a problem. It was too hard for him to pull his cars up a hill by himself. Instead of just giving up and quitting, he decided to ask others for help. He came across many obstacles though. The other steam engines kept refusing to help him he eventually managed to do it on his own. Though there are many cliche stories like this to encourage children to keep trying until they have reach their goal, it is very true, if people constantly gave up there was be no progress in the world to pull us forward.”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient and appropriate details for support.

The content in the body of the paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain the main idea. (“For example, one summer my sister was trying to teach me to play basketball, every time I tried to shoot the ball I would miss. After missing the basket a few times I was tempted to accept the fact that I was no good at basketball but my sister kept encouraging me to pick up the ball and try again. Then she taught me a technique to aim for a certain part of the backboard, after following her instructions I begin making baskets back to back. Now that I look back at this incident I realize that it wasn't that I was bad at basketball, the problem was that I didn't know the technique and sometime you need to know more about what it is you're trying to achieve before diving right into it and also, that it's not wrong to have a helping hand.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea in the topic sentence. (“My role model, Martin Luther King, also persevered to accomplish the goal of unity among various races.

Imagine what the world would be like if he had given up? We wouldn't be where we are today. Though others tried to knock him down and tell him that he was fighting a losing battle he overcame all the obstacles. He even had help from other people such as Rosa Parks to help him in achieving his goal. Today we read about him in the history book, he was living proof that if you put your mind to something it's possible to obtain. Even the greatest people experienced failure before being successful.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“To continue, failure is only proof that that method doesn't work. In society, the people who experience failure the most would definitively be scientists because the constantly have to try different chemical and combinations before finding the one that works. If they gave up after failing a few times we wouldn't have medications and vaccinations that help to keep us healthy. Every day they become I step closer to finding cures to diseases because they preserver and motivate themselves to keep trying.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates an effective introduction. (“‘If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.’ ‘I think I can; I think I can.’ Most people in the world have heard these phrases at some point in his or her life. Both of these quotes can be used to demonstrate the idea of perseverance. Perseverance is endurance, patience,

and ‘hanging in there’ in spite of obstacles, adversity, or suffering. The idea of perseverance is within every

culture, race and religion. It is to persevere, and to this day it is still a very important and vital virtue to have.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or sentences are used well. (“For example, one summer my sister was trying to teach me to play basketball, every time I tried to shoot the ball I would miss. After missing the basket a few times I was tempted to accept the fact that I was no good at basketball but my sister kept encouraging me to pick up the ball and try again. Then she taught me a technique to aim for a certain part of the backboard, after following her instructions I begin making baskets back to back. Now that I look back at this incident I realize that it wasn't that I was bad at basketball, the problem was that I didn't know the technique and sometime you need to know more about what it is you're trying to achieve before diving right into it and also, that it's not wrong to have a helping hand.”)

The essay’s conclusion provides the readers with closure and a reiteration of the importance of facing

challenges as opposed to quitting. (“In conclusion, it is important to preserver because apart of reaching success is being able to appreciate the value of it. It's important to motivate yourself and ask for help if its needed, always remember that your mind is powerful beyond measure and you can reach any goal if you want it badly enough. Let failure be your motivator to dust yourself off and try again until you get it right, try different techniques if that's what it takes. Do not underestimate yourself and be knowledgeable of your goal before getting into it so you're prepared for what lies ahead and last but not least you can do it!”)

Language Use & Style

The writer employs good word choices to describe the importance of not quitting. (“Both of these quotes can be used to demonstrate the idea of perseverance. Perseverance is endurance, patience, and ‘hanging in there’ in spite of obstacles, adversity, or suffering. The idea of perseverance is within every culture, race and religion. It is to persevere, and to this day it is still a very important and vital virtue to have.”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“My role model, Martin Luther King, also persevered to accomplish the goal of unity among various races. Imagine what the world would be like if he had given up? We wouldn't be where we are today. Though others tried to knock him down and tell him that he was fighting a losing battle he overcame all the obstacles. He even had help from other people such as Rosa Parks to help him in achieving his goal. Today we read about him in the history book, he was living proof that if you put your mind to something it's possible to obtain. Even the greatest people experienced failure before being successful.”)

The language and tone are consistent. (“To continue, failure is only proof that that method doesn't work. In society, the people who experience failure the most would definitively be scientists because the constantly have to try different chemical and combinations before finding the one that works. If they gave up after failing a few times we wouldn't have medications and vaccinations that help to keep us healthy. Every day they become I step closer to finding cures to diseases because they preserver and motivate themselves to keep trying.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement and appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“In conclusion, it is important to preserver because apart of reaching success is being able to appreciate the value of it. It's important to motivate yourself and ask for help if its needed, always

remember that your mind is powerful beyond measure and you can reach any goal if you want it badly enough. Let failure be your motivator to dust yourself off and try again until you get it right, try different techniques if that's what it takes.”) In some instances, the writer needs to use a conjunction or a semicolon to create compound sentences.

Model Essay

Failure Before Success

Many times in life we are forced to overcome obstacles. Whether we overcome these obstacles or not, it is important to never give up. Whether you face a challenge playing a sport such as basketball or soccer or you are having trouble understanding a concept in school, you need to never give up. Not giving up shows that even though something does not go your way or you lose, you can bounce back from it and be just fine. It shows how even though you have had though times it has not changed who you are, just the way you do things.

Someone really successful who never gave up even when he had challenges in his career and life is Michael Jordan. Michael Jordan is a professional basketball player and is one of if not the, greatest basketball players of all time. To earn his spot on the court did not come easy though. When he was in high school, he tried out for the school's basketball team but only made Junior Varsity because of his height. He was the star player of the team but, he still practiced night and day so he could make Varsity next year. When the next year came around he made varsity. If he had quit and not practiced and practiced, he might have not made the team or tried out again! Michael Jordan himself said, "I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."

Also like Michael Jordan, I am an athlete. Sure I do not face big time challenges like the NBA or competing against the world's best players but, I do have my share of challenges. I play soccer and soccer is one of the world's most competitive games, where your constantly moving and passing the ball. Sometimes I have to play forward and in my position it is my job to beat the defense and score a goal. That does not always happen though and sometimes they beat me to the ball or the goalie blocks my shots. If I gave up every time someone beat me, I would be a terrible player. There is going to be people that beat you or things that beat you but, you have to keep going and getting better.

All in all, life is difficult and sometimes it will get the better of you. You just always have to be able to bounce back from whatever happens to you and not quit. Do not let small setbacks in life beat you. If they beat you, just come back a hundred ten percent stronger.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The thesis statement presents the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view of the writer

adequately. (“Many times in life we are forced to overcome obstacles. Whether we overcome these obstacles or not, it is important to never give up.”)

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The essay is devoted to informing the readers about the importance of not quitting when facing challenges and defeat. (“Whether you face a challenge playing a sport such as basketball or soccer or you are having trouble understanding a concept in school,

you need to never give up. Not giving up shows that even though something does not go your way or you lose, you can bounce back from it and be just fine. It shows how even though you have had though times it has not changed who you are, just the way you do things.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“Also like Michael Jordan, I am an athlete. Sure I do not face big time challenges like the NBA or

competing against the world's best players but, I do have my share of challenges. I play soccer and soccer is one of the world's most competitive games, where your constantly moving and passing the ball. Sometimes I have to play forward and in my position it is my job to beat the defense and score a goal. That does not always happen though and sometimes they beat me to the ball or the goalie blocks my shots. If I gave up every time someone beat me, I would be a terrible player. There is going to be people that beat you or

things that beat you but, you have to keep going and getting better.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support.

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. Providing more specific details would enhance the writer’s descriptions of how Jordan suffered temporary defeat. (“Someone really successful who never gave up even when he had challenges in his career and life is Michael Jordan. Michael Jordan is a professional basketball player and is one of if not the, greatest basketball players of all time. To earn his spot on the court did not come easy though. When he was in high school, he tried out for the school's basketball team but only made Junior Varsity because of his height. He was the star player of the team but, he still practiced night and day so he could make Varsity next year.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“When the next year came around he made varsity. If he had quit and not practiced and practiced, he might have not made the team or tried out again! Michael Jordan himself said, ‘I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed.

I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.’”)

The writer provides anecdotal examples that are relevant. (“I play soccer and soccer is one of the world's most competitive games, where your constantly moving and passing the ball. Sometimes I have to play forward and in my position it is my job to beat the defense and score a goal. That does not always happen though and sometimes they beat me to the ball or the goalie blocks my shots. If I gave up every time someone beat me, I would be a terrible player.”)

Organization

The beginning of the essay demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by connecting the thesis to school and sports, topics to which all readers can relate. (“Many times in life we are forced to overcome obstacles. Whether we overcome these obstacles or not, it is important to never give up.

Whether you face a challenge playing a sport such as basketball or soccer or you are having trouble understanding a concept in school, you need to never give up. Not giving up shows that even though something does not go your way or you lose, you can bounce back from it and be just fine. It shows how even though you have had though times it has not changed who you are, just the way you do things.”)

Subtle transitions are used to connect ideas. The writer should incorporate more effective transitions to connect the ideas in a more meaningful way. (“Also like Michael Jordan, I am an athlete. Sure I do not face big time challenges like the NBA or competing against the world's best players but, I do have my share of challenges. I play soccer and soccer is one of the world's most competitive games, where your constantly

moving and passing the ball. Sometimes I have to play forward and in my position it is my job to beat the defense and score a goal. That does not always happen though and sometimes they beat me to the ball or the goalie blocks my shots. If I gave up every time someone beat me, I would be a terrible player. There is going to be people that beat you or things that beat you but, you have to keep going and getting better.”)

The writer’s conclusion neglects to summarize the main points of the response. He/she should consider enhancing the conclusion with a summary of ideas about personal challenges as well as those of Michael Jordan. However, readers do gain a sense of closure and are left with a message to think about. (“All in all, life is difficult and sometimes it will get the better of you. You just always have to be able to bounce back from whatever happens to you and not quit. Do not let small setbacks in life beat you. If they beat you, just come back a hundred ten percent stronger.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“Michael Jordan is a professional basketball player and is one of if not the, greatest basketball players of all time. To earn his spot on the court did not come easy though. When he was in high school, he tried out for the school's basketball team but only made Junior Varsity because of his height. He was the star player of the team but, he still practiced night and day so he could make Varsity next year. When the next year came around he made varsity. If he had quit and not practiced and practiced, he might have not made the team or tried out again!”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the response. He/she provides language that adequately describes the challenges of playing soccer to the intended audience. (“Sure I do not face big time challenges like the NBA or competing against the world's best players but, I do have my share of challenges. I play soccer and soccer is one of the world's most competitive games, where your constantly moving and passing the ball. Sometimes I have to play forward and in my position it is my job to beat the defense and score a goal. That does not always happen though and sometimes they beat me to the ball or the goalie blocks my shots. If I gave up every time someone beat me, I would be a terrible player. There is going to be people that beat you or things that beat you but, you have to keep going and getting better.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the essay. (“All in all, life is difficult and sometimes it will get the better of you. You just always have to be able to bounce back from whatever happens to you and not quit. Do not let small setbacks in life beat you. If they beat you, just come back a hundred ten percent stronger.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have subject-verb agreement, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, words are spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs are indicated with line breaks. (“It shows how even though you have had though times it has not changed who you are, just the way you do things.”)

Model Essay

When u start to do something you like or even something you don't like, and you mess up or don't enjoy it, don't give up and quit. Do your hardest to try to accept the fact that your probably not really good at what you're doing. Haha, just joking! But, if that's not the reason, try to change it up a little. Do it your way.

Like for instance, if your on a basketball team and the coach wants u to play on the court the he wants you to play, and you keep on getting the ball stolen from you and your team, then you know that your doing something wrong. But, don't get mad/ angry and quit. Do what you think is right and see if it works!

A couple of days ago, i was playing in a basketball game at the YMCA across the street from my house. My coach has his ways of teaching us, but i don't really like or understand his way of playing. He's taught basketball for 3 years and I've played for 5 years. I think i win over him. But, anyway, i tried to play his way and it did'nt really work out for me that well. I was really mad to the point where i was just going to give up, but i said " no, i can't leave my team like that! I'll just play my way!" So, i just decided to play my way, and making that decision helped the team alot! We still lost, but we tried our hardest.

My uncle, who used to be a high school basketball coach, kind of faced the same thing as me. His son, my cousin, who was on the team, was one of there best players. My uncle was a great coach, but some of the players did'nt think that. So, they decided to play the way they felt like playing! They ended up losing that game for being selfish. My uncle almost quit because they wouldnt listen to him, but he didnt because he believed that he could gain their attention some sort of way.

Anyway, failure ALWAYS comes before success! Remember that!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the essay. The writer establishes a limited controlling idea and demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she provides limited

descriptions and details that may not give the readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Only some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The essay reveals the controlling idea in a very limited way. (“When u start to do something you like or even something you don't like, and you mess up or don't enjoy it, don't give up and quit.”)

The writer’s focus is limited. He/she focuses on the actions that one might take instead of quitting, but the description is limited at best. (“Like for instance, if your on a basketball team and the coach wants u to play on the court the he wants you to play, and you keep on getting the ball stolen from you and your team, then you know that your doing something wrong. But, don't get mad/ angry and quit. Do what you think is right and see if it works!”)

The writer provides limited examples in the essay and should include more meaningful examples to

illustrate how failure in a person’s life can lead to success in the end. Including examples of ultimate

successes through perseverance would help the readers picture the subject of the essay in their minds. (“A couple of days ago, i was playing in a basketball game at the YMCA across the street from my house. My coach has his ways of teaching us, but i don't really like or understand his way of playing. He's taught basketball for 3 years and I've played for 5 years. I think i win over him. But, anyway, i tried to play his way and it did'nt really work out for me that well. I was really mad to the point where i was just going to give up, but i said ‘ no, i can't leave my team like that! I'll just play my way!’ So, i just decided to play my way, and making that decision helped the team alot! We still lost, but we tried our hardest.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The essay develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support.

The explanations and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. The writer fails to show the importance of his uncle continuing to coach after the players lost the game. (“My uncle, who used to be a high school basketball coach, kind of faced the same thing as me. His son, my cousin, who was on the team, was one of there best players. My uncle was a great coach, but some of the players did'nt think that. So, they decided to play the way they felt like playing! They ended up losing that game for being selfish. My uncle almost quit because they wouldnt listen to him, but he didnt because he believed

that he could gain their attention some sort of way.”)

The essay uses limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Like for instance, if your on a basketball team and the coach wants u to play on the court the he wants you to play, and you keep on getting the ball stolen from you and your team, then you know that your doing something wrong. But, don't get mad/ angry and quit. Do what you think is right and see if it works!”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. The writer gives an example of being frustrated yet refusing to give up on his team. He/she states no benefits of this action because his

team still lost the game. (“A couple of days ago, i was playing in a basketball game at the YMCA across the street from my house. My coach has his ways of teaching us, but i don't really like or understand his way of playing. He's taught basketball for 3 years and I've played for 5 years. I think i win over him. But, anyway, i tried to play his way and it did'nt really work out for me that well. I was really mad to the point where i was just going to give up, but i said ‘ no, i can't leave my team like that! I'll just play my way!’ So, i just decided to play my way, and making that decision helped the team alot! We still lost, but we tried our hardest.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a limited introduction. The writer introduces the importance of perseverance, but with limited background information and inappropriate sarcasm, the readers struggle to picture overcoming a challenge in their minds. (“When u start to do something you like or even something you don't like, and you mess up or don't enjoy it, don't give up and quit. Do your hardest to try to accept the fact that your probably not really good at what you're doing. Haha, just joking! But, if that's not the reason, try to change it up a little. Do it your way.”)

Strong transitions between paragraphs and between sentences are needed to enhance the flow of the

writer’s ideas. (“My uncle, who used to be a high school basketball coach, kind of faced the same thing as me. His son, my cousin, who was on the team, was one of there best players. My uncle was a great coach, but some of the players did'nt think that. So, they decided to play the way they felt like playing!”)

Although the conclusion of the essay provides the readers with a sense of closure, it does not summarize the main ideas nor leave readers with something to think about. (“Anyway, failure ALWAYS comes before success! Remember that!”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates insufficient sentence variety and word choice. The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the response more interesting to the intended audience. (“Like for instance, if your on a basketball team and the coach wants u to play on the court the he wants you to play, and you keep on getting the ball stolen from you and your team, then you know that your doing something wrong. But, don't get mad/ angry and quit. Do what you think is right and see if it works!”)

The sentences are too informal, and the word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“When u start to do something you like or even something you don't like, and you mess up or don't enjoy it, don't give up and quit. Do your hardest to try to accept the fact that your probably not really good at what you're doing. Haha, just joking!”)

The writer often uses the same group of words to begin sentences. (“My uncle, who used to be a high school basketball coach, kind of faced the same thing as me. His son, my cousin, who was on the team, was one of there best players. My uncle was a great coach, but some of the players did'nt think that. So, they decided to play the way they felt like playing! They ended up losing that game for being selfish. My uncle almost quit because they wouldnt listen to him, but he didnt because he believed that he could gain their

attention some sort of way.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

correct spelling of words, and ensure proper usage of words within the context of sentences. (“But, anyway, i tried to play his way and it did'nt really work out for me that well. I was really mad to the point where i was just going to give up, but i said ‘ no, i can't leave my team like that! I'll just play my way!’ So, i just decided to play my way, and making that decision helped the team alot!”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

The importance of not quitting on a life of someone successful is fight for what they want to do, never give up because is like a goal, it does not matter if you lose because you will be proud of what you did.

People should keep trying and fighting for what they want everytime they do something and if they lose is ok, next time they could win and be better, each time that you lose you will learn something from your mistakes.

"Find out what is possibe if you never give up" that is what Justin Bieber says everytime. he is an example of keep trying, he is from a small town in Canada, he didnt had money and he start singing on streets in Ontario,Canada and now almost everybody knows who is Justin Bieber but not everybody knows what he has to do to be the celebrity and inspiration thet he is now.

You never have to give up, keep trying and never quit because you will find out what is your final goal in your life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay only minimally includes a central/controlling idea. The writer misses the opportunity to describe a challenge in his/her own life that would give the readers a clear picture of how temporary defeat can lead to long-term success. (“The importance of not quitting on a life of someone successful is fight for what they want to do, never give up because is like a goal, it does not matter if you lose because you will be proud of what you did.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give the readers a true sense of the challenge being described. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended

audience. (“People should keep trying and fighting for what they want everytime they do something and if they lose is ok, next time they could win and be better, each time that you lose you will learn something from your mistakes.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas about Justin Bieber’s success clear and convincing. (“'Find out what is possibe if you never give up’ that is what Justin Bieber says everytime. he is an example of keep trying, he is from a small town in Canada, he didnt had money and he start singing on streets in Ontario,Canada and now almost everybody knows who is Justin Bieber but not everybody knows what he has to do to be the celebrity and inspiration thet he is now.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s thesis statement. (“The importance of not quitting on a life of someone successful is fight for what they want to do, never give up because is like a goal, it does not matter if you lose because you will be proud of what you did.”)

Details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. Details should include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations that give the readers a clear picture of a personal challenge that tempted the writer to quit. Providing more details at every turn in a response creates a richly textured message.

(“People should keep trying and fighting for what they want everytime they do something and if they lose is ok, next time they could win and be better, each time that you lose you will learn something from your mistakes.”)

In the brief essay response, the writer does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“'Find out what is possibe if you never give up’ that is what Justin Bieber says everytime. he is an example of keep trying, he is from a small town in Canada, he didnt had money and he start singing on streets in Ontario,Canada and now almost everybody knows who is Justin Bieber but not everybody knows what he has to do to be the celebrity and inspiration thet he is now.”)

Organization

Furthermore, the essay demonstrates little evidence of a strong ending.

The essay does not effectively grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“The importance of not quitting on a life of someone successful is fight for what they want to do, never give up because is like a goal, it does not matter if you lose because you will be proud of what you did.”)

There is little evidence of transitional devices to help connect ideas. (“People should keep trying and fighting for what they want everytime they do something and if they lose is ok, next time they could win and be better, each time that you lose you will learn something from your mistakes.”)

The essay does little to include a strong conclusion. (“You never have to give up, keep trying and never quit because you will find out what is your final goal in your life.”)

Language Use & Style

Exact words are missing, which can affect meaning. (“The importance of not quitting on a life of someone successful is fight for what they want to do, never give up because is like a goal, it does not matter if you lose because you will be proud of what you did.”)

Many sentences are run-ons and include more than one thought without proper punctuation. (“People should keep trying and fighting for what they want everytime they do something and if they lose is ok, next time they could win and be better, each time that you lose you will learn something from your mistakes.”)

The writer uses awkward sentence structures and simple word choices. (“‘Find out what is possibe if you never give up’ that is what Justin Bieber says everytime. he is an example of keep trying, he is from a small town in Canada, he didnt had money and he start singing on streets in Ontario,Canada and now almost everybody knows who is Justin Bieber”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized essay. (“he is an example of keep trying, he is from a small town in Canada, he didnt had money and he start singing on streets in Ontario,Canada and now almost everybody knows who is Justin Bieber but not everybody knows what he has to do to be the celebrity and inspiration thet he is now.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

I agree with the quote because,people always trying to to something that they can't do, but most people never success on they work so they give up,but some of them always keep on trying until they success. When it come to do so many challenge people trying not be a failure they want to be success,for Example. In these day forward people do all sort of challenge that is difficult to them and they success ont hey challenge in they move on to do other hard challenge because they have faith in themself so that the cando it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay states a central/controlling idea, but does not develop it adequately through examples and

descriptive details. (“I agree with the quote because,people always trying to to something that they can't do, but most people never success on they work so they give up,but some of them always keep on trying until they success.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“When it come to do so many challenge people trying not be a

failure they want to be success,for Example.”)

The essay’s lack of specific details renders the writer’s message ineffective and incomplete. (“In these day forward people do all sort of challenge that is difficult to them and they success ont hey challenge in they move on to do other hard challenge because they have faith in themself so that the cando it.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer neglects to develop ideas, using little or no details for support.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“I agree with the quote because,people always trying to to something that they can't do, but most people never success on they work so they give up,but some of them always keep on trying until they success.”)

In the one-paragraph response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs. At least three main ideas

should be included as evidence. (“I agree with the quote because,people always trying to to something that they can't do, but most people never success on they work so they give up,but some of them always keep on trying until they success. When it come to do so many challenge people trying not be a failure they want to be success,for Example. In these day forward people do all sort of challenge that is difficult to them and they success ont hey challenge in they move on to do other hard challenge because they have faith in

themself so that the cando it.”)

Details are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Details could include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations to bring the writer’s ideas to life. (“In these day forward people do all sort of challenge that is difficult to them and they success ont hey challenge in they move on to do other hard

challenge because they have faith in themself so that the cando it.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure, introduction, or conclusion. In addition, there is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“I agree with the quote because,people always trying to to something that they can't do, but most people never success on they work so they give up,but some of them always keep on trying until they success.”)

The writer attempts to use a transitional device to help connect ideas, but his/her meaning is unclear. (“When it come to do so many challenge people trying not be a failure they want to be success,for Example.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“In these day forward people do all sort of challenge that is difficult to them and they success ont hey challenge in they move on to do other hard challenge because they have faith in themself so that the cando it.”)

Language Use & Style

There are long, poorly structured sentences in the response. (“I agree with the quote because,people always trying to to something that they can't do, but most people never success on they work so they give up,but some of them always keep on trying until they success.”)

Sentences do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“When it come to do so many challenge people trying not be a failure they want to be success,for Example.”)

Exact words are missing, which can affect meaning. (“In these day forward people do all sort of challenge that is difficult to them and they success ont hey challenge in they move on to do other hard challenge because they have faith in themself so that the cando it.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure that the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas. The essay is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“I agree with the quote because,people always trying to to something that they can't do, but most people never success on they work so they give up,but some of them always keep on trying until they success. When it come to do so many challenge people trying not be a failure they want to be success,for Example. In these day forward people do all sort of challenge that is difficult to them and they success ont hey challenge in they move on to do other hard challenge because

they have faith in themself so that the cando it.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

"The more successful the villain, the more successful the picture." —Alfred Hitchcock

In the world of film and literature, villains have been used to show the opposite of the hero. Where the hero is strong and makes honorable decisions, the villain is usually self-centered and uses evil to damage the lives of others for his own purposes. Villains sometimes fill us with fear, anger, and occasionally sadness. In general, every great tale of a hero also has a villain that we love to hate. Think of your favorite villain from either literature or film. How is he/she an opposite figure to a hero? What character traits make him/her such a great villain?

In a detailed essay, describe your favorite villain and his/her villainous traits. Compare the villain's traits to the hero's traits to support your description.

Model Essay

In many movies and books heroes have always been described and analyzed as loyal and kind characters that have been put out to bring good to the world. However, villains have always been perceived as very ruthless and harsh characters. Villains bring emotions to us that we never thought we would develop for things such as pieces of literature, or even film. These villains are characters who were created for us to analyze and completely despise. My favorite villain from either literature or film would have to be Lord Voldemort from Harry Potter. He is an opposite figure to a hero, or Harry Potter for various reasons such as not fighting for good intentions and not treating people fairly. The character traits that make him such a great villain include but are not limited to evoking readers and viewers with strong emotions of hate or sadness, being completely ruthless, and not caring who he messes with as long as he's winning resulting in his pleasure.

Lord Voldemort is the opposite of Harry Potters for many very obvious reasons. Unlike Harry Potter, he doesn't fight for good intentions. Violence creates his exhilaration. For example, in the book Harry Potter Lord Voldemort fights against those who aren't "pure blooded" and attacked those with even the slightest bit of "muggle" blood. He fought against them just because he disliked them, he wasn't fighting for a cause, he just fought because he wanted to exterminate muggles. This also proves my next point on villains not treating people fairly. Being born a muggle or having some sort of muggle blood isn't something the characters in Harry Potter could control. Lord Voldemort was trying to abolish people who were like they were against their will. This was a very unfair act and further proves one of the disgusting characteristics which comes with being a villain.

One of the reasons why I believe that Lord Voldemort is a great example of a villain is because he evokes readers and viewers with strong emotions of hate or sadness. I state this because when I was reading Lord Voldemort completely filled my insides with frustration and sometimes even anger. For example, when he put Hermione in a trance and I thought she was dead I couldn't help but feel remorse. That is just one of the reasons why I think Lord Voldemort is an example of a great villain. Another characteristic Lord Voldemort possesses which makes him a great villain would have to be being completely ruthless.

Through out the book of Harry Potter he did not show any signs of remorse. He was a complete monster when it came to having feelings, and was as cold as a stone. I'm positive that Lord Voldemort isn't the only villain who has the ruthless characteristic. Another character trait which I touched upon earlier which Lord Voldemort has that makes him a great villain is not caring who he messes with as long as he's winning. In other words, he's greedy for his pleasure and would do anything to get it. For example, in the book he transformed one of his close friends into a rat because he knew he would gain pleasure from it. It was a very ruthless act, as mentioned earlier and is another trait that proves why Lord Voldemort is a great villain.

Although Lord Voldemort can be described with many different negative characteristics, there are also some ways in which we can compare him to the hero, Harry Potter. One of the traits both characters have in common is that they are brave and would do anything to fight for what they believe is right. In this case, Lord Voldemort feels that the people who he just doesn't like should be exterminated, while Harry Potter fights for all the good people in the story. That is one of the ways in which both the villain and the hero can be related. However, a difference between these characters is that of course the villain always provokes anger and fear in us, while the hero gives us a sense of hope and determination. When comparing heroes to villains there can be several characteristics which can be related or contrasted to both.

As you can see there are many differences and similarities to heroes and villains. As mentioned earlier, my favorite villain is Lord Voldemort for reasons such as him being able to provoke feelings of sadness and/or anger in viewers and readers. While most of the public might feel that heroes and villains are completely opposite, this is certainly not the case. Although they might have very different characteristics, in the end there are also some ways in which they could be compared. This was proven when I gave the characteristics that both Lord Voldemort and Harry Potter possess which was that both characters are brave and would do anything to fight for what they believe is right. With out a hero there would be no happiness for readers or viewers in a piece of literature or film, but without a villain the story or film simply wouldn't be interesting. Both characters brought an immense diversity of feelings, but in the end I believe that the Lord Voldemort has a great amount of characteristics to make him my favorite villain.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea, demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, completes all parts of the task, and may even go beyond the limits of the task. The essay consistently stays on topic throughout and does not provide irrelevant information. The essay grabs the readers’ attention by very effectively using an interesting, engaging statement and a question at the beginning of the introduction. The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with details. (“My favorite villain from either literature or film would have to be Lord Voldemort from Harry Potter. He is an opposite figure to a hero, or Harry Potter for various reasons such as not fighting for good intentions and not treating people fairly. The character traits that make him such a great villain include but are not limited to evoking readers and viewers with strong emotions of hate or sadness, being completely ruthless, and not caring who he messes with as long as he's winning resulting in his pleasure.”)

Content & Development

Ideas in the essay are developed fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details for support. The writer includes relevant points to explain and illustrate very effectively. Most essays for this topic will discuss one element of the villainous character’s personality per paragraph; this author chooses instead to discuss how the villain relates to the other characters, in addition to the more obvious reasons the character is a great villain. Relevant points explain and illustrate the main idea very effectively. Supporting details develop the example well. The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain the

paragraph’s main idea. The essay includes facts and statistics, examples, brief narratives, or explanations to tell a story. The author also includes people’s actual words or quotes, or writes a definition of a difficult or important word about each of the main ideas. (“Although Lord Voldemort can be described with many different negative characteristics, there are also some ways in which we can compare him to the hero, Harry Potter. One of the traits both characters have in common is that they are brave and would do anything to fight for what they believe is right.”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, effective use of paragraphing, and effective use of

transitional devices throughout. The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. The essay demonstrates a very effective introduction that ends with an effective thesis. The author uses some subtle transitions between paragraphs, although better essays tend to use more. The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion that summarizes the main points of the essay very well. The conclusion very

effectively connects the information in the essay with something that is happening in the world. (“With out a hero there would be no happiness for readers or viewers in a piece of literature or film, but without a villain the story or film simply wouldn't be interesting. Both characters brought an immense diversity of feelings, but in the end I believe that the Lord Voldemort has a great amount of characteristics to make him my favorite villain.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, a clear sense of audience, and uses well-structured and varied sentences. The language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. The language used is detailed and helps provide a strong visual image of the topic being discussed. (“Another characteristic Lord Voldemort possesses which makes him a great villain would have to be being completely ruthless.

Through out the book of Harry Potter he did not show any signs of remorse. He was a complete monster when it came to having feelings, and was as cold as a stone.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay uses very effective control of conventions and mechanics. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence is indented when beginning a new paragraph, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. Essays at this level will rarely, if ever, make errors in the use of mechanics or conventions. Essays may occasionally include some awkward phrasing, but this does not impede meaning. (“Another character trait which I touched upon earlier which Lord Voldemort has that makes him a great villain is not caring who he messes with as long as he's winning. In other words, he's greedy for his pleasure and would do anything to get it.”)

Model Essay

In the world of film and literature, villains have been used to show the opposite of the hero. Where the hero is strong and makes honorable decisions, the villain is usually self-centered and uses evil to damage the lives of others for his own purposes. Villains sometimes fill us with fear, anger and occasionally sadness. In general, every great tale of a hero also has a villain that we love to hate. My favorite villain is the Joker. The Joker is an opposite figure to a hero because he loves to plan out evil actions and likes to fight super heroes like Batman and Robin. There are numerous traits that make him such a great villain.

There are more than a few reasons why the Joker is my favorite villain. First, the Joker has so many evil nicknames, sometimes it is hard to keep count. A few of them are the Clown Prince of Crime, the Harlequin of Hate, and the Ace of Knaves. The Joker's most famous power is referred to as the Joker Juice which is a deadly poison that infects his victims with a ghoulish vicious grin as they die while laughing uncontrollably. He is a genius and skilled in the fields of chemistry and engineering, as well an expert with explosives, and creating deadly traps and other sorts of weapons. Another reason is that the Joker has cheated death numerous times, which is very impressive.

The Joker is an opposite figure to a hero in such few ways. One is that the Joker has committed crimes both whimsical and inhumanly brutal. The Joker is always the enemy never the ally. Unlike Batman whose

victims are supper villains, The Joker's victims are innocent men, women, children, and even his own henchmen. The Joker is reported to have killed well over 2,000 people. While other villains rely on tried- and-true methods to commit crimes Joker has a variety of weapons at his disposal. Sometimes he commits crimes just for the fun of it, while on other occasions; it is part of a grand scheme.

Finally, the Joker has a large array of weaponry at his disposal to fight his enemies. All of his equipment and comedic weaponry are ingeniously designed to look at first harmless and then kill instantly. They are so ingenious to the point where they can even outsmart Batman. The Joker is immune to his venom. Like I said before he is a genius and skilled in the fields of chemistry and engineering, as well an expert with explosives, and creating deadly traps and other sorts of weapons. With his weapons to help him, the Joker is a skilled fighter and is capable of holding his own against Batman in a fight.

To conclude, in the world of film and literature, villains have been used to show the opposite of the hero. Where the hero is strong and makes honorable decisions, the villain is usually self-centered and uses evil to damage the lives of others for his own purposes. Villains sometimes fill us with fear, anger and occasionally sadness. In general, every great tale of a hero also has a villain that we love to hate. My favorite villain is the Joker. The Joker is an opposite figure to a hero because he loves to plan evil stuff and likes to fight super heroes like Batman and Robin. There are some traits that makes him such a great villain.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay shows good focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience and completes most parts of the task. The introduction touches upon some of the main ideas discussed throughout the essay, namely the idea that the author’s choice is a villain that “we love to hate.” Throughout the essay the author discusses examples that make the Joker a fascinating and timeless enemy. The author is generally consistent with staying on topic throughout each paragraph and does not provide irrelevant information. Essays at this level will rarely, if ever, provide information that is not related to the topic. The essay grabs the readers’ attention by using an interesting statement, a question, and an engaging statement at the beginning of the introduction. The language of the thesis fits the effective examples very well. (“My favorite villain is the Joker. The Joker is an opposite figure to a hero because he loves to plan out evil actions and likes to fight super heroes like Batman and Robin.”)

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient, appropriate details to support ideas. The author mentions at least three specific examples of what draws him or her to this character. Each of these points is supported by additional details. Each paragraph has at least three or more supporting ideas, which help explain the example being discussed in that paragraph.

The examples cited are at least occasionally insightful and provoke strong images, which help readers

identify with the topic. (“One is that the Joker has committed crimes both whimsical and inhumanly brutal. The Joker is always the enemy never the ally. Unlike Batman whose victims are supper villains, The Joker's victims are innocent men, women, children, and even his own henchmen. The Joker is reported to have

killed well over 2,000 people”)

Organization

creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation and ends with a good thesis statement. Background information is also provided, helping readers establish a basic understanding of the character. The author does use some basic transitions, although more subtle and fluid transitions would be preferable. Each paragraph discusses a different aspect of the character. The conclusion not only sums up the character in question, but also

attempts to provide some closing statements about villains in general and why people tend to find them fascinating. (“In general, every great tale of a hero also has a villain that we love to hate. My favorite

villain is the Joker. The Joker is an opposite figure to a hero because he loves to plan evil stuff and likes to fight super heroes like Batman and Robin.”)

Language Use & Style

Appropriate language and word choice is demonstrated in this essay, along with some evidence of voice, a clear sense of audience, and use of well-structured sentences with some variety. The language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. Essays at this level may occasionally have some awkward phrasing of sentences, but the majority of the content makes sense and is well stated. (“Finally, the Joker has a large array of weaponry at his disposal to fight his enemies. All of his equipment and comedic weaponry are ingeniously designed to look at first harmless and then kill instantly. They are so ingenious to the point where they can even outsmart Batman.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay uses good control of conventions and mechanics. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, most sentences have a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and most sentences begin with a capital letter. Essays at this level may occasionally fail to include proper comma usage or include a sentence that is too long, but most of the content is effectively punctuated. (“Like I said before he is a genius and skilled in the fields of chemistry and engineering, as well an expert with explosives, and creating deadly traps and other sorts of weapons. With his weapons to help him, the Joker is a skilled fighter and is capable of holding his own against Batman in a fight.”)

Model Essay

Cowboy hats and horses are not what one would normally see in a movie, unless it is a western movie. My favorite western movie ever was 3:10 to Yuma. The main reason I liked that movie was because of the "villain", Ben Wade. In the movie our hero, Dan Evens, is trying to save his ranch. In order to save some money, he must escort Ben Wade to the train station that will take him to a prison in a town called Yuma. They must arrive there by 3:10.

When we first met Ben Wade, he has just held up a wagon and taken the assets of the men in the wagon. After he leaes, Dan Evens comes and helps the men that were held up. He brings them into town and gets their wounds dressed. By now you must have realized that Ben and Dan are pretty much opposites. That's the way things work with the hero and the villain. However, in 3:10 to Yuma there are many villains, but that is beside the fact.

Now it is within almost every man's moral to treat women with respect. Ben Wade acts no different. He is very polite to women, but that is not to say he is polite to their families or their traditions. At one point in the movie Ben is staying at Dan's house and is offered food. He takes it and begins eating. When the family tries to pray, he is loud and noisy. He won't cut his meat, so Dan has to do it for him. Of course our hero Dan respects women and other people's beliefs.

Finally, Ben Wade is actualy a very odd villain. Even though he is selfish and unkind, he has a softer side. He is an artist. He draws and can be quite sensitive. At the end of the movie, Dan is the only one left of the four person party hired to escort Ben to the station. Ben Wade's gang is firing at them, so Ben and Dan work together to get Ben to the station. In the end, Dan and Ben Wade's gang dies. Ben Wade lives and

goes to the prison in Yuma then escpes. It is really touching at the end because our villain starts to act like a hero so that the real hero's family can survive.

In conclusion, Ben Wade is my favorite hero, ever. Not only is he polite to women, but he is cute and has a very well trained horse. I do not really know if Ben Wade can be considered a villain after he saves the real hero. Maybe he is a hero in disguise.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Adequate focus and meaning are included in the essay. The writer establishes a controlling idea and demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience and completes many parts of the task. The thesis states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. The writer understands the intended audience adequately, as the writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience, and there is little use slang or contractions. Essays at this level may occasionally offer irrelevant information or wander off topic, but the amount of on-topic content makes up for any deficiencies in this area. The author does provide some passing references to irrelevant ideas, but the essay is mostly on topic. (“By now you must have realized that Ben and Dan are pretty much opposites. That's the way things work with the hero and the villain. However, in 3:10 to Yuma there are many villains, but that is beside the

fact.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. It develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details to support ideas. Each paragraph addresses a different aspect of the villain’s personality that makes him appealing. There is an adequate amount of details used in each paragraph to justify each position, but the arguments presented are brief and need more detail. Ideally, each paragraph should have multiple details to support its main idea. (“Ben Wade is actualy a very odd villain. Even though he is selfish and unkind, he has a softer side. He is an artist. He draws and can be quite sensitive.”)

Organization

The essay uses adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, but there is inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a comment about cowboy hats and horses, indicating that the essay includes a villain from the Wild West. Each paragraph addresses a different aspect of the character’s personality, which is appealing to the author and includes numerous details to support it.

Essays at this level should have some transitions, although most essays at this level have simple and direct

transitions. The conclusion adequately summarizes the essay’s main ideas, but it is very brief. Most essays at this level spend as much time on the conclusion as they do on the other paragraphs in the essay. The

author does give readers something to think about in the future. (“In conclusion, Ben Wade is my favorite hero, ever. Not only is he polite to women, but he is cute and has a very well trained horse. I do not really know if Ben Wade can be considered a villain after he saves the real hero. Maybe he is a hero in

disguise.”)

Language Use & Style

Appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice is demonstrated in the essay. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. Exact and specific words from the research and the prompt task are used adequately. Word choices are sometimes poor. There are few exact/specific words related to the research. (“In conclusion, Ben Wade is my favorite hero, ever. Not only is he polite to women, but he is cute and has a very well trained horse.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Adequate control of mechanics and conventions is demonstrated in the essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb, many sentences end with a punctuation mark, many sentences are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and many sentences begin with a capital letter. Essays at this level may begin to show some errors in spelling and punctuation, but it isn’t common, and readers can infer the author’s intended meaning. (“After he leaes, Dan Evens

comes and helps the men that were held up. He brings them into town and gets their wounds dressed.”)

Model Essay

I think that the ultimate villain would be Sauron from Lord of the Rings. Sauron is totally evil. His sole quest in his entire existence is to conquer Middle Earth from the free peoples. He doesn't even have a reason for doing it! He just does it because that's what he decided he was going to do. Nothing else.

That's it. I guess some people just like to watch the world burn.

Sauron uses his power to manipulate the other villains in Lord of the Rings, like Sarumon the wizard. He has long, white robes and white, flowing hair. But don't let the white confuse you. Usually, white means good right? Well, that's the thing, Sarumon used to be good, but turned bad when he locked another wizard named Gandalf on top of a tower for days, but then Gandalf captured a moth and told it to get a big eagle for him to fly away on. But I guess what goes around comes around, because later Sarumon was stabbed in the back and then thrown into a water mill. This is what happens though when you support someone like Sauron. He’s evil and ultimately when you support him you’ll get what’s coming to you.

Each race of free peoples were given rings of power, three to the elves, seven to the dwarves, and nine were given to the race of men. When Sauron had learned of these rings of power, he wanted one too. So he made one. His ring was the most powerful ring of all and it was made to rule all other rings. The people of middle earth rebelled, and killed Sauron. The only way to destroy the ring would be to throw it from whence it came. But that ending wouldn't be good for the storyline. So they didn't and they made a 4'2" Halfling do it. That is essentially what Sauron is about. Crushing his enemies and getting a hold of the ring of power.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea, but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience and completes only some parts of the task. The author selects the primary antagonist from the fantasy novel and movie trilogy The Lord of the Rings , but he/she does not provide an adequate thesis for why they find this villain appealing. He or she states that the villain’s motivation is simply for the sake of destruction, but the author only briefly expands on what makes this

appealing. (“I guess some people just like to watch the world burn.”) The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The writing style is not always appropriate for the audience. Essays at this level tend to begin to show serious problems with staying on topic. (“Sauron uses his power to manipulate the other villains in Lord of the Rings, like Sarumon the wizard. He has long, white robes and white, flowing hair. But don't let the white confuse you. Usually, white means good right? Well, that's the thing, Sarumon used to be good, but turned bad when he locked another wizard named Gandalf on top of a tower for days, but then Gandalf captured a moth and told it to get a big eagle for him to fly away on.”)

Content & Development

fascinating villain aren’t fully explored. Instead, the author discusses the villain’s place within the story. The few ideas that are presented are not fully developed. (“But I guess what goes around comes around, because later Sarumon was stabbed in the back and then thrown into a water mill. This is what happens

though when you support someone like Sauron. He’s evil and ultimately when you support him you’ll get what’s coming to you.”)

Organization

The essay has limited organization. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, lacks paragraphing, and lacks transitional devices. The essay demonstrates evidence of a good introduction, but the author does not organize his or her thoughts into a coherent thesis. The thesis is largely ignored throughout the rest of the essay as well. The introduction includes very limited background information about the topic. Essays at this level may or may not attempt to provide creative introductions; this essay does not. Essays at this level may or may not also use transitions, but again, this essay does not.

Essays that do use transitions typically use very blunt or relatively unsophisticated transitions, such as

“next,” “then,” and “in conclusion.” There is an attempt at providing a comprehensive conclusion, but it does not adequately relate back to the thesis. Instead, it piles on more irrelevant or unconnected facts about the character. The essay needs to reference the main ideas discussed in the rest of the essay. (“The only way to destroy the ring would be to throw it from whence it came. But that ending wouldn't be good for the storyline. So they didn't and they made a 4'2" Halfling do it. That is essentially what Sauron is about.

Crushing his enemies and getting a hold of the ring of power.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates simple language and word choice and some awareness of audience and control of voice. The lengths of the sentences are short. There may be repetition. More or better transitions are needed. The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended

audience. (“But I guess what goes around comes around, because later Sarumon was stabbed in the back and then thrown into a water mill. This is what happens though when you support someone like Sauron. He’s evil and ultimately when you support him you’ll get what’s coming to you.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. The author should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. Essays at this level often begin to show a significant amount of grammatical errors, which often impede meaning. This particular essay does not have many serious mechanical errors. (“When Sauron had learned of these rings of power, he wanted one too. So he made one. His ring was the most powerful ring of all and it was made to rule all other rings. The people of middle earth rebelled, and killed Sauron.”)

Model Essay

My favorite villan is Darth Vader. I think he is the most evil of all villans. In Star Wars he was a hero in the earlier movies but then turned evil. He was overpowered by the dark side. He is very tall and wears all

black. He wears a helmet because he needs a breathing apparatus so you can't see his face, which is more intimidating. You can hear him breath because of his breathing apparatus. He is pure evil. All he wants is to rule the universe.

Althugh he is Luke Skywalkers father, they have no comon goals or characteristics. Luke is a kind heroic, person, wheras Vader has no kidness and is only wanting to benefit himself. He has killed innocent people for many reasons. Eiter they have angered him, they got in his way of completing his goals, or just because he thought it was fun. Either way he is a merciless, ruthless killer. He even killed his own son. He is just a terrible person. It is a good thing he was stopped.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. The writer suggests a controlling idea, but demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and completes few parts of the task. The author does a fair job at introducing the character, but does not provide a substantive thesis to build upon why this character is so appealing. This essay and other essays at this level often have an unclear thesis, but they usually do stay on topic. They may or may not provide irrelevant information. The writing style is often not appropriate for the audience. (“You can hear him breath because of his breathing apparatus. He is pure evil. All he wants is to rule the universe.”)

Content & Development

The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support ideas. Minimal evidence is used to explain or support the thesis statement. The author does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. Each main idea should be written as topic sentence in its own body paragraph. Details are minimally used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. Details (examples, facts, brief narrativesm, or explanations) the author does provide are very brief. (“He has killed innocent people for many reasons. Eiter they have angered him,

they got in his way of completing his goals, or just because he thought it was fun.”)

Organization

includes little background information about the topic. Essays at this level rarely use transitions. There is either no conclusion or it is very poorly constructed. Essays at this level may not even attempt

paragraphing ideas to separate ideas. (“Either way he is a merciless, ruthless killer. He even killed his own son. He is just a terrible person. It is a good thing he was stopped.”)

Language Use & Style

Transitions are needed. The essay should use more varied and appropriate transitions. The style is not formal. Changing from first person to third person would make the purpose and audience clearer. The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audienc

Mechanics & Conventions

Model Essay

On sponge bob i like the dirty bubble.because the dirty bubble is so dumb because he always tells his plan.

He ruin's the plan. I think it's funny when he tries to fight the super hero's all he does is stuff the people in side of his dirty bubble and i guess it makes them dirty to.

he never win's any fights because his plans never work. he hates pointy things because he is a bubble.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is not stated. (“On sponge bob i like the dirty bubble.because the dirty bubble is so dumb because he always tells his plan.”)

Content & Development

The writer fails to develop ideas and uses no details to support ideas. Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. There are no main ideas in the body paragraphs.

Organization

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion and no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices. The essay demonstrates no evidence of a good introduction. The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. The first sentence of the introduction does not include a question, a quotation, or an interesting fact or statistic. The introduction does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. Transitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. The conclusion does not summarize the main points of the essay. (“he never win's any fights because his plans never work. he hates pointy things because he is a bubble.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. The lengths of the sentences are short. There is repetition. Transitions are needed. The essay should include more varied and appropriate transitions. The style is not formal. Changing from first person to third person would make the purpose and audience clearer. The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“He ruin's the plan. I think it's funny when he tries to fight the super hero's all he does is stuff the people in side of his dirty bubble and i guess it makes them dirty to.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism, Islam, and Judaism are frequently considered the five major religions of the world. Each has unique features including its god(s), key beliefs, origins, sacred text, effect on society, and modern day traditions.

In a multi-paragraph essay, discuss several of the unique features of one of the major world religions. Include facts and examples to support your discussion.

Model Essay

“All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.” - The Buddha. Originating from Hinduism, Buddhism has spread throughout the world.

Buddhism is followed throughout the countries of Asia and also followed by 500 million people. With the teachings of one person, the Buddha, or Siddhartha Gautama, Buddhism has a variety of beliefs and theologies. The goal of Siddhartha Gautama, or Buddha, was to correct what he saw as the worst features of Hinduism by purifying concepts and reducing the role of complicated ceremonies.

Siddhartha Gautama lived in the present-day border area between India and Nepal, of the 6th century before Christ; his date of birth is unknown because the Buddha is historical legend, which has been passed on throughout time. The approximation of time that he lived was 563-483 B. C. E. Regarding the birth of the Buddha, seers predicted that he would become either a powerful monarch or a Buddha (one who has supreme knowledge). Despite the amenities of his life, Siddhartha was not satisfied with his current life. One day, he ventured out of the palace for an excursion; he encounters what so far has purposely been veiled by his father and his court. He sees poverty, disease, a corpse being cremated, and an old, suffering man. The night of his excursion, Siddhartha decided to give up his aristocratic lifestyle and search for the truth. Several years later while meditating under a Bodhi tree, the Buddha experienced the Great Enlightenment, which unveils to him the way to be relieved from suffering. After achieving his goal of spreading his teachings, the Buddha died at the age of eighty, as a result of food poisoning. The Buddha rejected Hinduism beliefs, such as the caste system and the numerous gods. Buddhists worship no gods; like the Hindus, Buddhists believe in the samsara, the wheel of life. The Buddha argued that any person could achieve liberation from the wheel life without special rituals.

A key belief of Buddhism is in the concept of karma which means “action.” The word karma is used to in reference the actions and resulting forces. As an example, wholesome actions lead to good states and disobedient actions lead to horrific states. Along with karma, Buddhists also believe in rebirth or reincarnation. Rebirth or reincarnation is also understood as samsara, meaning the wheel of life. It is the process of being born over and over in different times and different forms. The rebirth is all dependent on whether the human has good karma. Once a human has good karma, he or she can enter Nirvana,

Buddhism’s heaven.

Besides the belief of reincarnation, The Eightfold Path describes how to end suffering. The Eightfold path also is considered a sacred text. The first of the Eightfold Path is the Right View, which is the ability to understand the true nature of all things. The Right to Intention is the second of the Eightfold Path, refers to the capacity to resist the pull of desire, anger, and to avoid cruel or violent thoughts. The third, the Right to Speech involves one to abstain from false speech. The Right to Action is the fourth, which states that one must refrain from murder, robbery, and, sexual misconduct. The Right Livelihood means that one should

earn one’s living in a way. The Right Effort can be seen as a prerequisite of the others. Without effort, nothing else can be achieved. The mental ability to see things as they are, with clear consciousness is the Right Mindfulness. The last of the eight, the Right Concentration, states that the development of wholesome thoughts and actions are extremely crucial. A mediating mind focuses on wholesome thoughts.

In addition, the Four Noble Truths are extremely influential on the beliefs of Buddhism. The Four Noble Truths states that one, life means suffering, two the origin of suffering is attachment, three the cessation of suffering is attainable, and four, the path to the end of suffering.

In modern day, Buddhists emphasize meditation in their daily lives. Meditation is a centerpiece of Buddhist practice. This method is used to develop the mind. Meditation creates an awareness of the body; one usually develops a peaceful environment and one tends to daydream. Mostly when meditating, one sits in the lotus position, which is when one’s legs are crossed and back is straight. Also during a meditation session, one should take deep breaths and breathe evenly. After intervals of meditating, one might feel drowsy and calm.

The goal of Siddhartha Gautama or Buddha was to correct problems that were worst features in his eyes of Hinduism. The Buddha cured these issues by creating the religion of Buddhism. Buddhists believe mainly in reincarnation and karma, which is the belief of rebirth based on actions of the past life. The Buddha rejected the caste system and believed that any person can reach Nirvana, and through that, this now popular and peaceful religion has become a model of life for many people in our world.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay contains very effective focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea, demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, completes all parts of the task, and may go beyond the limits of the task.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by very effectively using an interesting, engaging statement or a

question at the beginning of the introduction. (“‘All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.’ - The Buddha.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. (“The goal of Siddhartha Gautama, or Buddha, was to correct what he saw as the worst features of Hinduism by purifying concepts and reducing the role of complicated ceremonies…The Buddha rejected Hinduism beliefs, such as the caste system and the numerous gods. Buddhists worship no gods; like the Hindus, Buddhists believe in the samsara, the wheel of life. The Buddha argued that any person could achieve liberation from the wheel life without special rituals.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“The goal of Siddhartha Gautama, or Buddha, was to correct what he saw as the worst features of Hinduism by purifying concepts and reducing the role of complicated ceremonies…Despite the amenities of his life, Siddhartha was not satisfied with his current life. One day, he ventured out of the palace for an excursion; he encounters what so far has purposely been veiled by his father and his court. He sees poverty, disease, a corpse being cremated, and an old, suffering man. The night of his excursion, Siddhartha decided to give up his aristocratic lifestyle and search for the truth. Several years later while meditating under a Bodhi tree, the Buddha experienced the Great Enlightenment, which unveils to him the way to be relieved from suffering.”)

Content & Development

Very effective content and development are demonstrated in this essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully while using a wide variety of appropriate details for support.

Relevant points explain and illustrate modern Buddhist customs very effectively. This enhances the essay with a variety of facts and information about the religion itself. (“In modern day, Buddhists emphasize meditation in their daily lives. Meditation is a centerpiece of Buddhist practice. This method is used to develop the mind. Meditation creates an awareness of the body; one usually develops a peaceful environment and one tends to daydream. Mostly when meditating, one sits in the lotus position, which is

when one’s legs are crossed and back is straight. Also during a meditation session, one should take deep breaths and breathe evenly. After intervals of meditating, one might feel drowsy and calm.”)

The content in the body paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain the paragraph’s main idea. (“Besides the belief of reincarnation, The Eightfold Path describes how to end suffering. The Eightfold

path also is considered a sacred text. The first of the Eightfold Path is the Right View, which is the ability to understand the true nature of all things. The Right to Intention is the second of the Eightfold Path, refers to the capacity to resist the pull of desire, anger, and to avoid cruel or violent thoughts. The third, the Right to Speech involves one to abstain from false speech. The Right to Action is the fourth, which states that one must refrain from murder, robbery, and, sexual misconduct. The Right Livelihood means that one should earn one’s living in a way. The Right Effort can be seen as a prerequisite of the others. Without effort, nothing else can be achieved. The mental ability to see things as they are, with clear consciousness is the Right Mindfulness. The last of the eight, the Right Concentration, states that the development of wholesome thoughts and actions are extremely crucial. A mediating mind focuses on wholesome

thoughts.”)

Specific information about the similarities and differences between Buddhism and Hinduism is developed very effectively. (“The Buddha rejected Hinduism beliefs, such as the caste system and the numerous gods. Buddhists worship no gods; like the Hindus, Buddhists believe in the samsara, the wheel of life. The Buddha argued that any person could achieve liberation from the wheel life without special rituals.”)

The essay tells a small story, which also utilizes facts to explain the significance of Siddhartha Gautama. (“Siddhartha Gautama lived in the present-day border area between India and Nepal, of the 6th century

before Christ; his date of birth is unknown because the Buddha is historical legend, which has been passed on throughout time. The approximation of time that he lived was 563-483 B. C. E. Regarding the birth of the Buddha, seers predicted that he would become either a powerful monarch or a Buddha [one who has supreme knowledge]. Despite the amenities of his life, Siddhartha was not satisfied with his current life. One day, he ventured out of the palace for an excursion; he encounters what so far has purposely been veiled by his father and his court. He sees poverty, disease, a corpse being cremated, and an old, suffering man. The night of his excursion, Siddhartha decided to give up his aristocratic lifestyle and search for the truth. Several years later while meditating under a Bodhi tree, the Buddha experienced the Great Enlightenment, which unveils to him the way to be relieved from suffering. After achieving his goal of spreading his teachings, the Buddha died at the age of eighty, as a result of food poisoning. The Buddha rejected Hinduism beliefs, such as the caste system and the numerous gods. Buddhists worship no gods; like the Hindus, Buddhists believe in the samsara, the wheel of life. The Buddha argued that any person could achieve liberation from the wheel life without special rituals.”)

Organization

Very effective organization is evident in this essay. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure, an engaging introduction, a strong conclusion, effective use of paragraphing, and effective use of transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates a very effective introduction that includes good background information about the topic. (“‘All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.’ - The Buddha. Originating from Hinduism, Buddhism has spread throughout the world.

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“Once a human has good karma, he or she can enter Nirvana, Buddhism’s heaven…Besides the belief of reincarnation, The Eightfold Path describes how to end suffering. The Eightfold path also is considered a sacred text. The first of the

Eightfold Path is the Right View, which is the ability to understand the true nature of all things.”)

The conclusion very effectively connects the information in the essay with something that is happening in the world. (“The Buddha rejected the caste system and believed that any person can reach Nirvana, and through that, this now popular and peaceful religion has become a model of life for many people in our world.”)

Details, words, or phrases in the introduction and conclusion very effectively engage the readers’ interests. (“‘All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we

become.’ - The Buddha…The goal of Siddhartha Gautama or Buddha was to correct problems that were worst features in his eyes of Hinduism. The Buddha cured these issues by creating the religion of Buddhism.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has very effective language use and style. It demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, a clear sense of audience, and well-structured and varied sentences.

The language and tone are consistent in the writer’s discussion of samsara. (“Rebirth or reincarnation is also understood as samsara, meaning the wheel of life. It is the process of being born over and over in different times and different forms. The rebirth is all dependent on whether the human has good karma. Once a human has good karma, he or she can enter Nirvana, Buddhism’s heaven.”)

Coherent style and tone, such as in the introduction, ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“Originating from Hinduism, Buddhism has spread throughout the world.

This complex sentence is used effectively: “Mostly when meditating, one sits in the lotus position, which is when one’s legs are crossed and back is straight.”

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay has very effective control of conventions and mechanics. Few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are evident, and they do not impede meaning.

Each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, ends with a punctuation mark, and is either indented or line spaced when beginning a new paragraph. (“A key belief of Buddhism is in the concept of karma which means ‘action.’ The word karma is used to in reference the actions and resulting forces. As an example, wholesome actions lead to good states and disobedient actions lead to horrific states. Along with karma, Buddhists also believe in rebirth or reincarnation.”)

Model Essay

Religion is one of the five major elements that are found in civilization. Islam is one of the five major

religions found in today’s society. It has many unique features that separate it from other religions. Their god, beliefs, origins, sacred texts, and modern day traditions are all factors that make Islam distinctive.

Islam is the fastest growing religion in today’s world, but every religion has a beginning. Islam’s origin is in the Arabian city of Mecca and is still predominant there today. Muhammad is the famous prophet and founder of Islam, and is responsible for spreading Islam to the Byzantine and Persian empires. In six- hundred thirteen CE, Muhammad preached about Allah, proclaiming that “God is One, and complete

surrender to Him is the only way.” Islam grew from there and is now one of today’s major religions. Islam is truly original because of the beliefs, practices and laws.

The Muslims, or the people that practice the Islamic religion, follow the god called Allah. This religion is monotheistic which means that the Muslims worship only one god. The word Muslim means one who follows Allah. The Muslims can read about the teachings of Muhammad in their holy book the Quran. The Quran is the sacred text that contains the preachings of Muhammad on what Allah revealed to him. It teaches the beliefs and virtues the Muslims should strive for. Their virtues are humility, generosity, tolerance, courage, and submission to authority. The Islamic beliefs taught in the Quran are all factors that make this religion unique.

When a Muslim wanted to learn more about the teachings of Allah and Muhammad, They would go to the Muslim temple, or their “mosque”. There, they would learn and strive for the five basic pillars of the Islamic faith. The five pillars are faith, daily prayer, charity, fasting during Ramadan, and Hajj or pilgrimage to Mecca. Their modern day traditions are important practices in the life of every Muslim. The most original idea is that men and women are equal spiritually, but women’s roles are usually limited in worldly affairs. The man has authority in the Muslim society. The Muslims also celebrate Ramadan, the celebration of Mohammad receiving his first revelation from Allah, with fasting and worship. Lastly, they all try to pilgrimage to Mecca, the Islamic holy land. The temple, pilgrimage and modern day practices are all characteristics that separate this religion from other religions.

Islam has a wide effect on today’s society. The traditions and rules that are followed are what shape the laws of the Islamic society. In this religion a man is permitted up to three wives. As stated before, women have few rights, this means that in worldly affairs, women are limited in the roles they are allowed. Several accepted laws greatly influence the view of Islam, one is the acceptance of human slavery, and another is

Jihad. Jihad is essentially defensive warfare aimed at protecting Muslims and Islam, a “holy war.” All of these are ancient laws based on the rules and beliefs that shape the Islamic religion and its worldwide view.

In conclusion, Islam is unique in its god, key beliefs, origins, sacred texts, and pilgrimage. Islam is one of the fastest growing religions and affects the whole world with its beliefs taught in the Quran, modern day practices and ancient laws.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits good focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience, thus completing most parts of the task.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by using an interesting, engaging statement or a question at the beginning of the introduction. (“Religion is one of the five major elements that are found in civilization.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. (“The Quran is the sacred text that contains the preachings of Muhammad on what Allah revealed to him. It teaches the beliefs and virtues the Muslims should strive for.”)

The language of the thesis fits the effective examples very well. (“Their god, beliefs, origins, sacred texts, and modern day traditions are all factors that make Islam distinctive.”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about the practices and beliefs associated with the Islamic faith. (“There, they would learn and strive for the five basic pillars of the Islamic faith. The five pillars are faith, daily prayer, charity, fasting during Ramadan, and Hajj or pilgrimage to Mecca.”)

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. The writer develops ideas clearly and uses sufficient, appropriate details for support.

Supporting details develop the example well. (“This religion is monotheistic which means that the Muslims worship only one god. The word Muslim means one who follows Allah. The Muslims can read about the teachings of Muhammad in their holy book the Quran. The Quran is the sacred text that contains the preachings of Muhammad on what Allah revealed to him. It teaches the beliefs and virtues the Muslims should strive for. Their virtues are humility, generosity, tolerance, courage, and submission to authority.”)

The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain the paragraph’s main idea. (“Islam is the fastest growing religion in today’s world, but every religion has a beginning. Islam’s origin is in the Arabian city of Mecca and is still predominant there today. Muhammad is the famous prophet and founder of Islam, and is responsible for spreading Islam to the Byzantine and Persian empires. In six-hundred

thirteen CE, Muhammad preached about Allah, proclaiming that ‘God is One, and complete surrender to Him is the only way.’ Islam grew from there and is now one of today’s major religions.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well and are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“Islam has a wide effect on today’s society. The traditions and rules that are followed are what shape the laws of the Islamic society. In this religion a man is permitted up to three wives. As stated before, women

have few rights, this means that in worldly affairs, women are limited in the roles they are allowed. Several accepted laws greatly influence the view of Islam, one is the acceptance of human slavery, and another is

Jihad.”)

Specific information about the roles and privileges of men and women is developed clearly. (“The most original idea is that men and women are equal spiritually, but women’s roles are usually limited in worldly affairs. The man has authority in the Muslim society…The traditions and rules that are followed are what shape the laws of the Islamic society. In this religion a man is permitted up to three wives. As stated before, women have few rights, this means that in worldly affairs, women are limited in the roles they are allowed.”)

Organization

The essay contains good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure, a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and consistent use of transitional devices.

While brief, the introduction provides enough information for the readers to understand the connection between the background information and the thesis statement. (“Religion is one of the five major elements that are found in civilization. Islam is one of the five major religions found in today’s society. It has many unique features that separate it from other religions. Their god, beliefs, origins, sacred texts, and modern day traditions are all factors that make Islam distinctive.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“The most original idea is that men and women are equal spiritually, but women’s roles are usually limited in worldly affairs. The man has authority in the Muslim society. The Muslims also celebrate Ramadan, the celebration of Mohammad receiving his first revelation from Allah, with fasting and worship. Lastly, they all try to pilgrimage to Mecca, the Islamic holy land.”)

The conclusion effectively connects the information in the essay with something that is happening in the world. (“In conclusion, Islam is unique in its god, key beliefs, origins, sacred texts, and pilgrimage. Islam is one of the fastest growing religions and affects the whole world with its beliefs taught in the Quran, modern day practices and ancient laws.”)

Language Use & Style

Good language use and style are seen in this essay. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, some evidence of voice, a clear sense of audience, and well-structured sentences with some variety.

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay, as can be seen in the body paragraph discussing the origins of Islam. (“Islam is the fastest growing religion in today’s world, but every religion has a

beginning. Islam’s origin is in the Arabian city of Mecca and is still predominant there today. Muhammad is the famous prophet and founder of Islam, and is responsible for spreading Islam to the Byzantine and Persian empires. In six-hundred thirteen CE, Muhammad preached about Allah, proclaiming that ‘God is One, and complete surrender to Him is the only way.’” Islam grew from there and is now one of today’s major religions. Islam is truly original because of the beliefs, practices and laws.”)

statement of the essay. (“Religion is one of the five major elements that are found in civilization. Islam is one of the five major religions found in today’s society. It has many unique features that separate it from other religions. Their god, beliefs, origins, sacred texts, and modern day traditions are all factors that make Islam distinctive.”)

This compound sentence is used effectively: “The most original idea is that men and women are equal spiritually, but women’s roles are usually limited in worldly affairs.”

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of conventions and mechanics is apparent in this essay. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, but they do not interfere with the message.

For example, in essays at this score level, most sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, end with a punctuation mark, and are either indented or line spaced when beginning a new

paragraph. (“When a Muslim wanted to learn more about the teachings of Allah and Muhammad, They would go to the Muslim temple, or their ‘mosque’. There, they would learn and strive for the five basic pillars of the Islamic faith. The five pillars are faith, daily prayer, charity, fasting during Ramadan, and Hajj or pilgrimage to Mecca.”)

Model Essay

Today there are many different religions that the people of this world follow, and all have certain features that classify them as a world religion. Christianity is one of those world religions they have these characteristics that make it a world religion. One of the major factors that make it a world religion is the massive amount of followers. Over two billion people follow this religion that is still spreading at an

extreme rate. This is about one third of the earth’s population, so it makes an impact on this world as all similar practices do. Also, it has many traditions that all of the followers carry out throughout their lives. This is another factor in defining a world religion, where the practice is the largest and many people follow with these traditions. Therefore, Christianity shows its strength as a world religion by that it has a mass of followers that have traditions which define them as a set of people.

Christianity has the futures as a world religion for the traditions that the followers carry out in different times and places. These traditions define the followers to other people. One, Christmas, is well known. This defines the people as a group of people who are cheerful, family focused, and people who celebrate

the birth of their savoir. Other people see this and explains the parts of the religion by the actions of the followers. So, a big factor of the major world religions are the followers change the world we are part of.

Furthermore, the gigantic amount of followers that are a part of the faith, make it a world religion. With over two billon people changed by the teachings of Jesus make it major world religion. The actions that the followers perform on this world, make it even more important. Most times, they are helping other people in their struggles, no matter what they may be. This is also another way that Christians brings in so many dedicated new followers. This is different from some other world religions; however population in an important part of defining a major religion, so it raises the bar on this factor and many others. Making it the practice everyone should aim for to make themselves to be like.

All in all, Christianity is a religion that defies all other world religions for many reasons. The amount of people that are a part of this religion makes all others seem tiny compared to it. The amount of adherers is double when compared to the next competing religion. The people follow traditions that help define the religion as a whole. Christmas is a great example of this because the people are family focused and celebrating the birth of their savior. Religion is a world symbol, and Christianity is, as well.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates adequate focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea, demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes many parts of the task.

The thesis states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately.

(“Therefore, Christianity shows its strength as a world religion by that it has a mass of followers that have traditions which define them as a set of people.”)

The essay understands the intended audience adequately. For example, it explains the consequences of Christianity on the world. (“With over two billon people changed by the teachings of Jesus make it major world religion. The actions that the followers perform on this world, make it even more important. Most times, they are helping other people in their struggles, no matter what they may be.”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea by using details about the significance of Christianity in

society. (“This defines the people as a group of people who are cheerful, family focused, and people who celebrate the birth of their savoir. Other people see this and explains the parts of the religion by the actions of the followers. So, a big factor of the major world religions are the followers change the world we are

part of.”)

Content & Development

Adequate content and development are displayed in this essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support.

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Christianity has the futures as a world religion for the traditions that the followers carry out in different times and places. These traditions define the followers to other people. One, Christmas, is well known. This defines the people as a group of people who are cheerful, family focused, and people who celebrate the birth of their savoir.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs support the thesis. (“Therefore, Christianity shows its strength as a world religion by that it has a mass of followers that have traditions which define them as a set of

people…Christianity has the futures as a world religion for the traditions that the followers carry out in

different times and places…Furthermore, the gigantic amount of followers that are a part of the faith, make it a world religion.”)

The explanations and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. At least three details are stated about each main idea. (“Furthermore, the gigantic amount of followers that are a part of the faith, make it a world religion. With over two billon people changed by the teachings of Jesus make it major world religion. The actions that the followers perform on this world, make it even more important. Most times, they are helping other people in their struggles, no matter what they may be. This

is also another way that Christians brings in so many dedicated new followers. This is different from some other world religions; however population in an important part of defining a major religion, so it raises the bar on this factor and many others.”)

Organization

This essay utilizes adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, but there is inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The introduction provides enough information for the readers to understand the connection between the background information and the thesis statement. (“One of the major factors that make it a world religion

is the massive amount of followers. Over two billion people follow this religion that is still spreading at an extreme rate. This is about one third of the earth’s population, so it makes an impact on this world as all similar practices do…Therefore, Christianity shows its strength as a world religion by that it has a mass of followers that have traditions which define them as a set of people.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. (“So, a big factor of the major world religions are the followers change the world we are part of…Furthermore, the gigantic amount of followers that are a part of the faith, make it a world religion. With over two billon people changed by the teachings of Jesus make it major world religion.”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion that summarizes the main points of the essay. (“All in all, Christianity is a religion that defies all other world religions for many reasons. The amount of people that are a part of this religion makes all others seem tiny compared to it. The amount of adherers is double when compared to the next competing religion. The people follow traditions that help define the religion as a whole. Christmas is a great example of this because the people are family focused and celebrating the

birth of their savior. Religion is a world symbol, and Christianity is, as well.”)

The introduction and the conclusion are connected through pointing out the vast number of Christians in

the world, as well as some of this religion’s traditions. (“Over two billion people follow this religion that is still spreading at an extreme rate. This is about one third of the earth’s population, so it makes an impact on this world as all similar practices do. Also, it has many traditions that all of the followers carry out

throughout their lives…The amount of people that are a part of this religion makes all others seem tiny compared to it. The amount of adherers is double when compared to the next competing religion. The people follow traditions that help define the religion as a whole. Christmas is a great example of this because the people are family focused and celebrating the birth of their savior.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay contains adequate language use and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, an awareness of audience and control of voice, and generally correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied, particularly in the first body paragraph. (“Christianity has the futures as a world religion for the traditions that the followers carry out in different times and places. These traditions define the followers to other people. One, Christmas, is well known. This defines the people as a group of people who are cheerful, family focused, and people who celebrate the birth of their savoir.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor; for example, the use of “gigantic” in the following sentence: “Furthermore, the gigantic amount of followers that are a part of the faith, make it a world religion.”

There are few exact/specific words related to the research. For instance, including more information about the “struggles” that Christians help people with would enhance the sophistication of this essay. (“The actions that the followers perform on this world, make it even more important. Most times, they are

helping other people in their struggles, no matter what they may be.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Adequate control of conventions and mechanics can also be seen in this essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

For example, in essays at this score level, many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, end with a punctuation mark, and are either indented or line spaced when beginning a new paragraph. (“Other people see this and explains the parts of the religion by the actions of the followers.

So, a big factor of the major world religions are the followers change the world we are part of.”)

Model Essay

How much do you know about the Judaism religion? Judaism has alot of cool facts and is an exciting religion to learn about. Monotheism, Holidays and life styles are parts of the Judaism religion.

Monotheism is very important to the Judaism religion. People to the Judaism culture only believe in one god. They proclaimed Yaweh as the one and only god. As they read the torah( the holy text ) it says that Yaweh protected the hebrews during rituals and other things as well. The Judaism religion believed and still believes till this day, in only one god.

Judaism celebrates many holidays. They celebrate Haunaka as an example. Haunaka is like christmas but they celebrate their christmas for 8 days. They also celebrate Pirum. Pirum is a celebration, celebrating the jews that survived in 5th b.c. Just like many other religions, Judaism celebrates many holidays of their own.

Life styles are apart of many religions. They are different and unique in many ways. The Judaism religion has many life styles. Judaism only eats Kosher foods. Kosher means killing mean in a specific way.

Judaism eats meat, but their meat has to be killed a certain way in order for them to eat it. They also believe in the 10 commandments. They believe in many things.

Judaism is an interesting culture. Some things in the Judaism religion are monotheism, life styles and holidays. Judaism is an exciting religion and has many different things to learn about.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay has limited focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience while only completing some parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“Life styles are apart of many religions. They are different and unique in many ways. The Judaism religion has many life styles. Judaism only eats Kosher foods. Kosher means killing mean in a specific way.”)

The essay only states a limited central/controlling idea. (“Judaism has alot of cool facts and is an exciting religion to learn about.”)

In the introduction, only a limited supporting idea of the essay is stated. (“Monotheism, Holidays and life styles are parts of the Judaism religion.”)

Content & Development

Limited content and development can be seen in this essay. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support.

The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Monotheism is very important to the Judaism religion. People to the Judaism culture only believe in one god. They proclaimed Yaweh as the one and only god. As they read the torah( the holy text ) it says that Yaweh protected the hebrews during rituals and other things as well. The Judaism religion believed and still believes till this day, in only one god.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“Judaism celebrates many holidays. They celebrate Haunaka as an example. Haunaka is like christmas but they

celebrate their christmas for 8 days.”)

The writer should include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate each main idea. There are underdeveloped details surrounding vague and repetitive statements. (“Life styles are apart of many religions. They are different and unique in many ways. The Judaism religion has many life styles.

Judaism only eats Kosher foods. Kosher means killing mean in a specific way. Judaism eats meat, but their meat has to be killed a certain way in order for them to eat it. They also believe in the 10 commandments. They believe in many things.”)

Organization

The essay contains limited organization. It demonstrates evidence of structure, but with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, and lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices.

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. In this case, the first sentence of the introduction attempts to include a question, a quotation, or an interesting fact or statistic. (“How much do you know about the Judaism religion? Judaism has alot of cool facts and is an exciting religion to learn

about.”)

The introduction attempts to include a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“Monotheism, Holidays and life styles are parts of the Judaism religion.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are needed. (“They are different and unique in many ways. The Judaism religion has many life styles. Judaism only eats Kosher foods. Kosher means killing mean in a specific way. Judaism eats meat, but their meat has to be killed a certain way in order for them

to eat it.”)

The conclusion attempts to summarize the main points of the essay. (“Judaism is an interesting culture.

Some things in the Judaism religion are monotheism, life styles and holidays. Judaism is an exciting religion and has many different things to learn about.”)

Language Use & Style

There is limited language use and style associated with this essay. It demonstrates simple language and word choice and some awareness of audience and control of voice, but it relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety.

Sentence lengths are short. (“Judaism celebrates many holidays. They celebrate Haunaka as an example.”)

Exact words are missing, which results in the vagueness of the following sentence: “They believe in many things.”

There is repetition. (“Life styles are apart of many religions. They are different and unique in many ways. The Judaism religion has many life styles.”)

The essay should use more varied and appropriate transitions; for example, the use of the word “also” in the following sentence: “Haunaka is like christmas but they celebrate their christmas for 8 days. They also

celebrate Pirum.”

The style is not formal. (“Judaism has alot of cool facts and is an exciting religion to learn about.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Limited control of conventions and mechanics is demonstrated in this essay. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, ends with a punctuation mark, and is indented or line spaced when beginning a new paragraph. (“They celebrate Haunaka as an example. Haunaka is like christmas but they celebrate their christmas for 8 days. They also celebrate Pirum. Pirum is a celebration, celebrating the jews that survived in 5th b.c.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

Hinduism is one of the oldest religions in the world. In early Hinduism the religion grew out of religious customs of many people over thousands of years. One dey belief gave hope to many people.

The reason why Hinduism started is the Aryans changed their religion by the ideas of the people in India that the Aryans conquered. Then the Aryans mix their religion and the ideas from the people of India and came Hindusim. The religion then was formulated at 1500 B.C.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay contains minimal focus and meaning. It suggests a controlling idea but demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience, thus completing few parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“Then the Aryans mix their religion and the ideas from the people of India and

came Hindusim.”)

The essay does not state the central/controlling idea of the essay. Instead, three potential main ideas are mentioned. (“Hinduism is one of the oldest religions in the world. In early Hinduism the religion grew out of religious customs of many people over thousands of years. One dey belief gave hope to many people.”)

In the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is not stated. (“Hinduism is one of the oldest religions in the world. In early Hinduism the religion grew out of religious customs of many people over

thousands of years. One dey belief gave hope to many people.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in this essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s thesis statement. (“The reason why Hinduism started is the Aryans changed their religion by the ideas of the people in India that the Aryans conquered.”)

Each main idea should be written as topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“Hinduism is one of the oldest religions in the world. In early Hinduism the religion grew out of religious customs of many people over thousands of years. One dey belief gave hope to many people.”)

Important details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are needed to illustrate each main idea. (“Then the Aryans mix their religion and the ideas from the people of India and came Hindusim. The religion then was formulated at 1500 B.C.”)

Organization

Minimal organization is seen in this essay. It demonstrates little evidence of structure, a poor introduction and conclusion, and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. For example, the first sentence of the introduction does little to include a question, a quotation, or an interesting fact or statistic. (“Hinduism is one of the oldest religions in the world.”)

The introduction includes little background information about the topic. (“In early Hinduism the religion grew out of religious customs of many people over thousands of years. One dey belief gave hope to many people.”)

There is little evidence of transitional devices to help connect ideas. (“The reason why Hinduism started is the Aryans changed their religion by the ideas of the people in India that the Aryans conquered. Then the Aryans mix their religion and the ideas from the people of India and came Hindusim.”)

The conclusion or, in this case, the last sentence of the only body paragraph, does little to summarize the main points of the essay. There is little evidence of a strong conclusion as a result. (“The religion then was formulated at 1500 B.C.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay has minimal language use and style. It demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience and makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentence lengths are short. (“The religion then was formulated at 1500 B.C.”)

The essay uses the same group of words to begin two sentences in the same paragraph. (“Then the Aryans mix their religion and the ideas from the people of India and came Hindusim. The religion then was formulated at 1500 B.C.”)

The style is not formal. (“The reason why Hinduism started is the Aryans changed their religion by the ideas of the people in India that the Aryans conquered.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay contains minimal control of conventions and mechanics. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

In essays at this score level, writers typically do not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action). Also, each sentence may not begin with a capital letter, end with a punctuation mark, or be

indented or line spaced when beginning a new paragraph. (“One dey belief gave hope to many

people…Then the Aryans mix their religion and the ideas from the people of India and came Hindusim.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

The 3 most important features of Judaism are that there are two main beliefs of Judaism. They includes ethical and believing in just one god.

One feature of Judaism is monotheism, which is that only one god is real. The people from Judaism were surounded by lots of culture. They are also Ethical.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Inadequate or no focus and meaning are displayed in this essay. It fails to establish controlling idea and demonstrates no understanding of either purpose or audience. It thus completes no parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. There are only brief statement containing undeveloped details. (“One feature of Judaism is monotheism, which is that only one god is real. The people from Judaism were surounded by lots of culture.”)

In the introduction, the supporting idea of the essay is not stated. (“The 3 most important features of Judaism are that there are two main beliefs of Judaism. They includes ethical and believing in just one god.”)

In the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is not stated. Instead, a thesis simply

containing a short and unclear opinion is attempted. (“The 3 most important features of Judaism are that there are two main beliefs of Judaism. They includes ethical and believing in just one god.”)

Content & Development

This essay models inadequate or no content and development. It fails to develop ideas while using no details for support.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“One feature of Judaism is monotheism, which is that only one god is real.”)

At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. (“One feature of Judaism is monotheism, which is that only one god is real. The people from Judaism were surounded by lots of culture. They are also

Ethical.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“The people from Judaism were surounded by lots of culture. They are also Ethical.”)

There are no main ideas in the body paragraphs. An attempt is made, but it is too short and contains no supporting evidence. (“One feature of Judaism is monotheism, which is that only one god is real.”)

Organization

There is inadequate or no organization in this essay. It demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure, no introduction or conclusion, and no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. Further, the first sentence of the

introduction does not include a question, a quotation, or an interesting fact or statistic. (“The 3 most important features of Judaism are that there are two main beliefs of Judaism. They includes ethical and believing in just one god.”)

Transitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. Transitions between paragraphs or between

sentences are needed. (“One feature of Judaism is monotheism, which is that only one god is real. The people from Judaism were surounded by lots of culture.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. In fact, no conclusion exists, as can be seen by examining the final sentence: “They are also Ethical.”

Language Use & Style

Inadequate use of language and style is apparent in this essay. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“The 3 most important features of Judaism are that there are two main beliefs of Judaism. They includes ethical and believing in just one god.”)

Sentences are too short. (“They are also Ethical.”)

Exact words are missing; for example, “lots” and “culture” in the following sentence could be expanded upon to create more detail and strengthen the essay: “The people from Judaism were surounded by lots of culture.”

Mechanics & Conventions

There is inadequate or no control of conventions and mechanics displayed in this essay. It contains major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Essays at this score level typically contain sentences missing a subject and a verb (an action). Further, each sentence may not begin with a capital letter, end with a punctuation mark, or be indented or line spaced when beginning a new paragraph. (“One feature of Judaism is monotheism, which is that only one god is real. The people from Judaism were surounded by lots of culture. They are also Ethical.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Imagine it is your first day at a new job. You want to put your best foot forward because you know that you have only one chance to make a good first impression. How would you accomplish this task?

In a multi-paragraph essay, describe the measures you would take to make a good first impression at your new job. Be sure to include specific details and examples for support.

Model Essay

If it is my first day at a new job and I need to make a fantastic first impression, I emphasize my professional appearance, positive attitude, and the quality of my performance. A respectable appearance plays a major role when making a first impression. By showing an employer that I care about a tasteful and appropriate appearance, I show him that I care about my work. A positive attitude in the workplace proves to co-workers that I will not only be pleasant to deal with, but useful as well. It is easy to make a great impression when I have the respect of co-workers because of my attitude. The best way to impress an employer is through consistent, quality performances. If I can show my employer that I can do the tasks that are assigned to me effectively and correctly, then I have made a great impression on him. Exhibiting a professional appearance, a positive attitude, and a quality performance ensures that my employer and fellow employees will respect me.

Most people have been told not to judge a book by its cover; however, when making a first impression appearance is very pertinent. Before anybody even speaks with me at my first day on the job, the first thing they will notice and judge is my appearance. Dressing tastefully and appropriately guarantees that upon first glance, people will have a great impression. To dress professionally is to not adorn myself with anything offensive for the workplace. While I worked as a lifeguard this past summer, the dress was extremely casual. However, I still made sure that my attire was well-kept, clean, and approachable. I gained the respect of the clients that I dealt with daily, as well as the respect of my employers. Consequently, if I look professional, then I will be treated like a professional.

After a person sees my appearance, the next thing he will notice is my attitude. A positive attitude is evident in language, pleasantness, and relationships with co-workers. Speaking and writing in the correct language and tone, without slang or improper words, shows that I am well educated and qualified. A pleasant, positive attitude builds strong relationships with fellow employees, and in turn makes the workplace a friendlier place. My employer will be impressed if I represent the company with my educated language and pleasant attitude. At my previous job my coworkers and I possessed very positive attitudes. Consequently, we had a great time, as well as accomplishing more tasks together. My employer noticed, and my workplace became a friendly place for everyone.

Besides having a positive attitude, consistently giving quality performances at work is a great impression to an employer. The best way to show that I am worthwhile at my job is to prove it, by working very hard and performing tasks well. I am a valuable worker at the company if I can consistently do my job to the best of my ability. The best first impression of all is if an employer notices that I am good at my job. When I first babysat for the Baxter family, they were not very familiar with me and I knew I would have to earn their trust. I watched the children, as well as cooking for them cleaning their house. By accomplishing more than was asked of me, I earned their trust and was hired to sit for them again. I had proven my value through quality work and that is the best first impression I can possibly make.

When I want to impress employers, I always try to emphasize my professional appearance, my positive attitude, and my quality work. I have had many first days at a new job, including the positions of lifeguard, babysitter, and a coffeehouse cashier. Although these jobs all require different skills, I still attempted to

make a great impression on my first day. At each new job, I tried my best to impress my new employer. By dressing appropriately, treating customers with a pleasant attitude, and always giving my best work, I can make a great first impression. Regardless of what job I am working at, I know that if I try to exemplify those traits, I will make a great impression. Wherever I go, I only have one chance to make a first impression. If I dress tastefully, act amiably, and work diligently, I can make the most of that precious first impression.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay provides very effective focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea, demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes all parts of the task, even going beyond the limits of the task.

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central or controlling idea very effectively. (“Most people have been told not to judge a book by its cover; however, when making a first impression appearance is very pertinent. Before anybody even speaks with me at my first day on the job, the first thing they will notice and judge is my appearance. Dressing tastefully and appropriately guarantees that upon first glance, people will have a great impression. To dress professionally is to not adorn myself with anything offensive for the workplace.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“Exhibiting a professional appearance, a positive attitude, and a quality performance ensures that my employer and fellow employees will respect me.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with details about the best ways to “exhibit a professional appearance, a positive attitude, and a quality performance” on the job, along with the use of various personal examples. (“After a person sees my appearance, the next thing he will notice is my attitude. A positive attitude is evident in language, pleasantness, and relationships with co-workers.

Speaking and writing in the correct language and tone, without slang or improper words, shows that I am well educated and qualified. A pleasant, positive attitude builds strong relationships with fellow employees, and in turn makes the workplace a friendlier place. My employer will be impressed if I represent the company with my educated language and pleasant attitude. At my previous job my coworkers and I possessed very positive attitudes. Consequently, we had a great time, as well as accomplishing more tasks together. My employer noticed, and my workplace became a friendly place for everyone.”)

Content & Development

Very effective content and development are provided in this essay. Ideas are developed fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details for support.

The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“After a person sees my appearance, the next thing he will notice is my attitude. A positive attitude is

evident in language, pleasantness, and relationships with co-workers. Speaking and writing in the correct language and tone, without slang or improper words, shows that I am well educated and qualified. A pleasant, positive attitude builds strong relationships with fellow employees, and in turn makes the workplace a friendlier place. My employer will be impressed if I represent the company with my educated language and pleasant attitude. At my previous job my coworkers and I possessed very positive attitudes. Consequently, we had a great time, as well as accomplishing more tasks together. My employer noticed,

and my workplace became a friendly place for everyone.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph very effectively develop the main idea of the topic sentence. (“Most people have been told not to judge a book by its cover; however, when making a first impression appearance is very pertinent. Before anybody even speaks with me at my first day on the job, the first thing they will notice and judge is my appearance. Dressing tastefully and appropriately guarantees that upon first glance, people will have a great impression. To dress professionally is to not adorn myself with

anything offensive for the workplace. While I worked as a lifeguard this past summer, the dress was extremely casual. However, I still made sure that my attire was well-kept, clean, and approachable. I gained the respect of the clients that I dealt with daily, as well as the respect of my employers. Consequently, if I

look professional, then I will be treated like a professional.”)

The essay includes facts and statistics, examples, or brief narratives or explanations that tell a small story regarding each of the main ideas. (“Besides having a positive attitude, consistently giving quality performances at work is a great impression to an employer. The best way to show that I am worthwhile at my job is to prove it, by working very hard and performing tasks well. I am a valuable worker at the company if I can consistently do my job to the best of my ability. The best first impression of all is if an employer notices that I am good at my job. When I first babysat for the Baxter family, they were not very familiar with me and I knew I would have to earn their trust. I watched the children, as well as cooking for them cleaning their house. By accomplishing more than was asked of me, I earned their trust and was hired to sit for them again. I had proven my value through quality work and that is the best first impression I can possibly make.”)

Organization

This essay is characterized by its very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, as well as the effective use of paragraphing and use of transitional devices throughout.

The introduction ends with a very effective thesis statement. (“If it is my first day at a new job and I need to make a fantastic first impression, I emphasize my professional appearance, positive attitude, and the quality of my performance. A respectable appearance plays a major role when making a first impression. By showing an employer that I care about a tasteful and appropriate appearance, I show him that I care about my work. A positive attitude in the workplace proves to co-workers that I will not only be pleasant to deal with, but useful as well. It is easy to make a great impression when I have the respect of co-workers because of my attitude. The best way to impress an employer is through consistent, quality performances. If I can show my employer that I can do the tasks that are assigned to me effectively and correctly, then I have made a great impression on him. Exhibiting a professional appearance, a positive attitude, and a

quality performance ensures that my employer and fellow employees will respect me.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“After a person sees my appearance, the next thing he will notice is my attitude. …Besides having a positive attitude, consistently giving quality performances at work is a great impression to an employer.”)

The conclusion summarizes the main points of the essay very effectively. (“When I want to impress employers, I always try to emphasize my professional appearance, my positive attitude, and my quality work. I have had many first days at a new job, including the positions of lifeguard, babysitter, and a coffeehouse cashier. Although these jobs all require different skills, I still attempted to make a great impression on my first day. At each new job, I tried my best to impress my new employer. By dressing appropriately, treating customers with a pleasant attitude, and always giving my best work, I can make a great first impression. Regardless of what job I am working at, I know that if I try to exemplify those traits, I will make a great impression. Wherever I go, I only have one chance to make a first impression. If I dress tastefully, act amiably, and work diligently, I can make the most of that precious first impression.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer shows effective use of language and style in his/her essay. The writing demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience; well-structured and varied sentences are also present.

Language and tone are consistent throughout. (“Besides having a positive attitude, consistently giving quality performances at work is a great impression to an employer. The best way to show that I am worthwhile at my job is to prove it, by working very hard and performing tasks well. I am a valuable

worker at the company if I can consistently do my job to the best of my ability. The best first impression of all is if an employer notices that I am good at my job.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the first two body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point or thesis statement of the essay. (“Most people have been told not to judge a book by its cover; however, when making a first impression appearance is very pertinent. Before anybody even speaks with me at my first day on the job,

the first thing they will notice and judge is my appearance. Dressing tastefully and appropriately guarantees that upon first glance, people will have a great impression. To dress professionally is to not adorn myself with anything offensive for the workplace. While I worked as a lifeguard this past summer, the dress was extremely casual. However, I still made sure that my attire was well-kept, clean, and approachable. I gained the respect of the clients that I dealt with daily, as well as the respect of my employers. Consequently, if I

look professional, then I will be treated like a professional. …After a person sees my appearance, the next thing he will notice is my attitude. A positive attitude is evident in language, pleasantness, and relationships with co-workers. Speaking and writing in the correct language and tone, without slang or improper words, shows that I am well educated and qualified. A pleasant, positive attitude builds strong relationships with fellow employees, and in turn makes the workplace a friendlier place. My employer will be impressed if I represent the company with my educated language and pleasant attitude. At my previous job my coworkers and I possessed very positive attitudes. Consequently, we had a great time, as well as accomplishing more

tasks together. My employer noticed, and my workplace became a friendly place for everyone.”)

The following compound sentence is used effectively: “My employer noticed, and my workplace became a friendly place for everyone.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions in this essay. Few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling can be detected. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“The best way to impress an employer is through consistent, quality performances. If I can show my employer that I can do the tasks that are assigned to me effectively and correctly, then I have made a great impression on him.”)

Model Essay

Our lives are filled with important dates, moments and milestone events that stay in our memory for a lifetime. One of these is the first day of work and your first job. This is the one day that I began preparing for in kindergarten, and continued through middle school, high school and college. Because this day is so important, there are certain things that I will do to make sure that I make a great first impression and I set myself up for success in my new job. These things include, being prepared for my job, dressing appropriately and arriving early. The first day of this new job is like the final exam for all my hard work and I know that my plans to make a great first impression and work hard will bring success.

First, I plan to prepare for my first day. Even though my training and college experience helped me get this job, I plan on arriving fully prepared to do my very best. I will talk to some of my new colleagues prior to my first day to understand some of the office politics and my supervisor's expectations. I will also research the office routines so that can follow them and be supportive to my colleagues. Also, I will make sure that I have all the support items I need to do my job. This includes manuals, reference guides and phone directories that will help me make an impact from the beginning. I believe that being fully prepared for my first day will help me make a good first impression and help me build a successful career.

Secondly, I believe that first impressions are made not only on actions but on appearance. I plan on making sure that I am dressed appropriately. I know that on my first day I will be meeting a lot of different people throughout the company. Some of the people I will meet will be brief introductions so my appearance will be critical to making a good impression. Others I will meet will be senior management and ultimately they have a lot of influence on my career and future opportunities. Dressing appropriately I will help me to be more confident in my interactions with my colleagues and management. I know that everything I do on my first day will be observed and evaluated so I want to present myself with confidence.

Lastly, I believe that by arriving early will help me make a good first impression. Throughout my time in school, I would usually go to class early. Sometimes it was to talk to the teacher about a particular question or problem I did not understand and sometimes it was to prepare for class. Most of my teachers and professors commented on my level of commitment and appreciated my hard work. This is something I want to bring to my first job. By arriving early, I can make sure that I am prepared for my day and have an organized work space. By not rushing to be on time I can reduce my nervousness over this first day and be more confident in my interactions with my colleagues. Also, arriving early will help me get to know others in the office and set the tone for a successful first day.

First impressions are critical to being successful in all aspects of life. I know that making a good first impression at my new job is crucial to my success and my career. My talents and training will drive my success, but I believe it is so important to make an impact from the first day. My plan is to arrive prepared, dress appropriately and arrive early to help me make a positive impression and lay the foundation for a successful career. First impressions can not be erased and are harder to change for many people. The milestones in life have a tremendous influence on your life's achievements and I plan on doing all that I can to make sure I am set up for success.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are apparent in this essay. It establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience, while completing most parts of the task.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by using an interesting statement, a question, or an engaging

statement in the beginning of the introduction. (“Our lives are filled with important dates, moments and milestone events that stay in our memory for a lifetime. One of these is the first day of work and your first job. This is the one day that I began preparing for in kindergarten, and continued through middle school, high school and college. Because this day is so important, there are certain things that I will do to make sure that I make a great first impression and I set myself up for success in my new job. These things include, being prepared for my job, dressing appropriately and arriving early. The first day of this new job is like the final exam for all my hard work and I know that my plans to make a great first impression and work hard will bring success.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central or controlling idea. (“First, I plan to prepare for my first day. Even though my training and college experience helped me get this job, I plan on arriving fully prepared to do my very best. I will talk to some of my new colleagues prior to my first day to understand some of the office politics and my supervisor's expectations. I will also research the office routines so that can follow them and be supportive to my colleagues. Also, I will make sure that I have all the support items I need to do my job. This includes manuals, reference guides and phone directories that will help me make an impact from the beginning. I believe that being fully prepared for my first day will help me make a good first impression and help me build a successful career.”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about how the writer can make his/her best impression the first day on the job, such as by dressing appropriately. (“Secondly, I believe that first impressions are made not only on actions but on appearance. I plan on making sure that I am dressed appropriately. I know that on my first day I will be meeting a lot of different people throughout the company. Some of the people I will meet will be brief introductions so my appearance will be critical to

making a good impression. Others I will meet will be senior management and ultimately they have a lot of influence on my career and future opportunities.”)

Content & Development

This model essay consists of good content and development. Ideas are developed clearly, using sufficient appropriate details for support.

The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“First, I plan to prepare for my first day. Even though my training and college experience helped me get this job, I plan on arriving fully prepared to do my very best. I will talk to some of my new colleagues prior to my first day to understand some of the office politics and my supervisor's expectations. I will also research the office routines so that can follow them and be supportive to my colleagues. Also, I will make sure that I have all the support items I need to do my job. This includes manuals, reference guides and phone directories that will help me make an impact from the beginning. I believe that being fully prepared for my first day will help me make a good first impression and help me build a successful career.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“Secondly, I believe that first impressions are made not only on actions but on appearance. I plan on making sure that I am dressed appropriately. I know that on my first day I will be meeting a lot of different people throughout the company. Some of the people I will meet will be brief introductions so my appearance will be critical to making a good impression. Others I will meet will be senior management and ultimately they have a lot of influence on my career and future opportunities. Dressing appropriately I will help me to be more confident in my interactions with my colleagues and management. I know that everything I do on my first day will be observed and evaluated so I want to present myself with

confidence.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“Lastly, I believe that by arriving early will help me make a good first impression. Throughout my time in school, I would usually go to class early. Sometimes it was to talk to the teacher about a particular question or problem I did not understand and sometimes it was to prepare for class. Most of my teachers and professors commented on my level of commitment and appreciated my hard work. This is something I want to bring to my first job. By arriving early, I can make sure that I am prepared for my day and have an organized work space. By not rushing to be on time I can reduce my nervousness over this first day and be more confident in my interactions with my colleagues.

Also, arriving early will help me get to know others in the office and set the tone for a successful first day.”)

Organization

The essay shows good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, not to mention consistent use of paragraphing and consistent use of transitional devices.

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“Our lives are filled with important dates, moments and milestone events that stay in our memory for a lifetime. One of these is the first day of work and your first job. This is the one day that I began preparing for in kindergarten, and continued through middle school, high school and college. Because this day is so important, there are certain things that I will do to make sure that I make a great first impression and I set myself up for success in my new job. These things include, being prepared for my job, dressing appropriately and arriving early. The first day of this new job is like the final exam for all my hard work and I know that my plans to make a great first impression and work hard will bring success.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“Secondly, I believe that first

impressions are made not only on actions but on appearance. …Lastly, I believe that by arriving early will help me make a good first impression.”)

The conclusion summarizes the main points of the essay well. (“First impressions are critical to being successful in all aspects of life. I know that making a good first impression at my new job is crucial to my success and my career. My talents and training will drive my success, but I believe it is so important to make an impact from the first day. My plan is to arrive prepared, dress appropriately and arrive early to help me make a positive impression and lay the foundation for a successful career. First impressions can not be erased and are harder to change for many people. The milestones in life have a tremendous influence on your life's achievements and I plan on doing all that I can to make sure I am set up for success.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer shows good use of language and style in this essay. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. Well-structured sentences with some variety are also used.

Language and tone are consistent throughout. (“I plan on making sure that I am dressed appropriately. I know that on my first day I will be meeting a lot of different people throughout the company. Some of the people I will meet will be brief introductions so my appearance will be critical to making a good impression. Others I will meet will be senior management and ultimately they have a lot of influence on my career and future opportunities.”)

The use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the first two body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point or thesis statement of the essay. (“First, I plan to prepare for my first day. Even though my training and college experience helped me get this job, I plan on arriving fully prepared to do my very best. I will talk to some of my new colleagues prior to my first day to understand some of the office politics and my supervisor's expectations. I will also research the office routines so that can follow them and be supportive to my colleagues. Also, I will make sure that I have all the support items I need to do my job. This includes manuals, reference guides and phone directories that will help me make an impact from the beginning. I believe that being fully prepared for my first day will help me make a good first impression and help me build a successful career. …Secondly, I believe that first impressions are made not only on actions but on appearance. I plan on making sure that I am dressed appropriately. I know that on my first day I will be meeting a lot of different people throughout the company. Some of the people I will meet will be brief introductions so my appearance will be critical to making a good impression. Others I will meet will be senior management and ultimately they have a lot of influence on my career and future opportunities.

Dressing appropriately I will help me to be more confident in my interactions with my colleagues and management. I know that everything I do on my first day will be observed and evaluated so I want to present myself with confidence.”)

The following complex sentence is used effectively: “Even though my training and college experience helped me get this job, I plan on arriving fully prepared to do my very best.”

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of mechanics and conventions in the essay is apparent. Few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling do not interfere with the message. For example, most sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“Our lives are filled with important dates, moments and milestone events that stay in our memory for a lifetime. One of these is the first day of work and your first job.”)

Model Essay

First impressions seem to be the most memorable thing about a person. This same concept can be applied to getting and keeping a job. On the first day of my job, I would go to great lengths to ensure I make a good first impression that reflects the honest, hard-working person that I am. There are three main things that I would do to put my best foot forward. I would make sure that I show up in the proper attire, be there on time or earlier than I was asked to be, and, most importantly, be respectful to my manager and all my co- workers.

First, I would make sure I was dressed appropriately. If they supplied a uniform I would wear it as they asked. It would be necessary for my cloths to be neat and clean at all times, because I want to make sure I get more business for my employer, rather than run his customers away with my smell. One of the very first things that people notice about someone is what hey are wearing, I will dress conservatively and properly, so I am guaranteed to make a better first impression.

Next, I must be sure to get to work on time, if not earlier. The earlier I arrive, the more dedication I would be showing to my employer. By being punctual, I will prove that I am reliable and deserve the hours that I wish to have, rather than someone who would neglect the privilege. I would try to show up earlier, especially on my first day, to show that I am trustworthy and responsible.

Lastly, perhaps the biggest part of making a good impression on my first day at work would be to be respectful to not only my manager and boss, but all of my co-workers as well. A fact of life is that to receive respect, you must first give it. So I will gain respect from all of the people who work around me by respecting them as well. By doing this, it will make me more memorable and more fondly looked upon by all of my co-workers. While my first day at work is going to be a lot of work, it will also be fun because I am going to start off on the right foot and try to work my way up in the company.

In conclusion, I believe there are many things that make a good first day at a new job. But the three ones that stand out most to me are your attire, punctuality, and your respect towards others. I will do my best at all three of these in order to ensure the my first day at my new job will be successful as well as fun.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay conveys adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes a controlling idea and demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience, completing many parts of the task.

The thesis states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. (“I would make sure that I show up in the proper attire, be there on time or earlier than I was asked to be, and, most importantly, be respectful to my manager and all my co-workers.”)

The essay understands the intended audience adequately. (“First impressions seem to be the most memorable thing about a person. This same concept can be applied to getting and keeping a job. On the first day of my job, I would go to great lengths to ensure I make a good first impression that reflects the honest, hard-working person that I am.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“Next, I must be sure to get to work on time, if not earlier. The earlier I arrive, the more dedication I would be showing to my employer. By being punctual, I will prove that I am reliable and deserve the hours that I wish to have, rather than someone who would neglect the privilege. I would try to show up earlier,

especially on my first day, to show that I am trustworthy and responsible.”)

Content & Development

Content and development within the essay are adequate. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support.

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate main ideas. (“Next, I must be sure to get to work on time, if not earlier. The earlier I arrive, the more dedication I would be showing to my employer. By being punctual, I will prove that I am reliable and deserve the hours that I wish to have, rather than someone who would neglect the privilege. I would try to show up earlier, especially on my first day, to show that I am

trustworthy and responsible.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs support the thesis. (“First, I would make sure I was dressed

appropriately. …Next, I must be sure to get to work on time, if not earlier. …Lastly, perhaps the biggest part of making a good impression on my first day at work would be to be respectful to not only my manager and boss, but all of my co-workers as well.”)

The essay includes facts and statistics, examples, or brief narratives or explanations about each of the main ideas. (“Lastly, perhaps the biggest part of making a good impression on my first day at work would be to be respectful to not only my manager and boss, but all of my co-workers as well. A fact of life is that to receive respect, you must first give it. So I will gain respect from all of the people who work around me by respecting them as well. By doing this, it will make me more memorable and more fondly looked upon by all of my co-workers. While my first day at work is going to be a lot of work, it will also be fun because I am going to start off on the right foot and try to work my way up in the company.”)

Organization

The essay exhibits adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, yet inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“First impressions seem to be the most memorable thing about a person. This same concept can be applied to getting and keeping a job. On the first day of my job, I would go to great lengths to ensure I make a good first impression that reflects the honest, hard-working person that I am. There are three main things that I would do to put my best foot forward. I would make sure that I show up in the proper attire, be there on time or earlier than I was asked to be, and, most importantly, be respectful to my manager and all my co-workers.”)

The introduction ends with an adequate thesis statement. (“I would make sure that I show up in the proper attire, be there on time or earlier than I was asked to be, and, most importantly, be respectful to my manager and all my co-workers.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. (“Lastly, perhaps the biggest part of making a good impression on my first day at work would be to be respectful to not only my manager and boss, but all of my co-workers as well. …In conclusion, I believe there are many things that make a good first day at a new job.”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“In conclusion, I believe there are many things that make a good first day at a new job. But the three ones that stand out most to me are your attire, punctuality, and your respect towards others. I will do my best at all three of these in order to ensure the my first day at my new job will be successful as well as fun.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in this essay is adequate. Appropriate language and word choice are demonstrated; furthermore, the essay shows an awareness of audience and control of voice. Correct sentence structure with some variety is also generally used.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“First impressions seem to be the most memorable thing about a person. This same concept can be applied to getting and keeping a job. On the first day of my job, I would go to great lengths to ensure I make a good first impression that reflects the honest, hard-working person

that I am.”)

Exact and specific words from the research and prompt task are used adequately. (“First impressions seem to be the most memorable thing about a person. This same concept can be applied to getting and keeping a job. …In conclusion, I believe there are many things that make a good first day at a new job.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor, as demonstrated by the following excerpt: “If they supplied a uniform I would wear it as they asked. It would be necessary for my cloths to be neat and clean at all times, because I want to make sure I get more business for my employer, rather than run his customers away with my

smell.”

Mechanics & Conventions

Adequate control of mechanics and conventions is seen in this essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“In conclusion, I believe there are many things that make a good first

day at a new job. But the three ones that stand out most to me are your attire, punctuality, and your respect towards others.”)

Model Essay

For me, no introduction doesn't speak its own name. First impression is very important. Most people these days meet you once, and the if they don't get the right impression from you, they won't want to talk to you. They won't even bother trying to get to know you better. First impression is key, but then again people should take the time to get to know another better. There are many different ways one tries to impress another, but my way is a little bit more different than most people.

Your behavior should be one of your top priorities when trying to make a good impression of yourself. You pick would you rather hire somebody who is a smart mouth ,and someone who talks back, or someone who is kind and watch the words that come out of his mouth? Also if you act like you don't care if you get a job or not, then the people hiring you will probably loose faith in you and in return the won't hire you. Also don't act like you are nervous, just stay calm and continue your interview. Hygiene is also very important.

Hygiene is also very important and should also be one of the top priorities when going to a job interview. You wouldn't show up to an interview all smelly would you? I know i wouldn't! A manager wants to see someone who has good behavior, care about their job, and has good hygiene. You would want to have clean hair, and wear something that doesn't smell, and something that looks clean.

In the end you should have good hygiene, care about your job, and want a job.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay shows evidence of limited focus and meaning. Although a controlling idea is established, the essay demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience and only completes some parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“Hygiene is also very important and should also be one of the top priorities when

going to a job interview. You wouldn't show up to an interview all smelly would you? I know i wouldn't! A manager wants to see someone who has good behavior, care about their job, and has good hygiene. You would want to have clean hair, and wear something that doesn't smell, and something that looks clean.”)

The essay states a limited central or controlling idea. (“For me, no introduction doesn't speak its own name. First impression is very important. Most people these days meet you once, and the if they don't get the right impression from you, they won't want to talk to you. They won't even bother trying to get to know you better. First impression is key, but then again people should take the time to get to know another better. There are many different ways one tries to impress another, but my way is a little bit more different than most people.”)

The writing style is not always appropriate for the audience. (“Hygiene is also very important and should also be one of the top priorities when going to a job interview. You wouldn't show up to an interview all smelly would you? I know i wouldn't!”)

Content & Development

Limited content and development are apparent in this essay. Ideas are developed briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details as support.

The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Your behavior should be one of your top priorities when trying to make a good impression of yourself. You pick would you rather hire somebody who is a smart mouth ,and someone who talks back, or someone who is kind and watch the words that come out of his mouth? Also if you act like you don't care if you get a job or not, then the people hiring you will probably loose faith in you and in return the won't hire you. Also don't act like you are

nervous, just stay calm and continue your interview. Hygiene is also very important.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. (“Hygiene is also very important and should also be one of the top priorities when going to a job interview. You wouldn't show up to an interview all smelly would you? I know i wouldn't! A manager wants to see someone who has good behavior, care about their job, and has good hygiene. You would want to have clean hair, and wear something that doesn't smell, and something that looks clean.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“Hygiene is also very important and should also be one of the top priorities when going to a job interview. You wouldn't show up to an interview all smelly would you? I know i wouldn't! A manager wants to see someone who has good behavior, care about their job, and has good hygiene. You would want to have

clean hair, and wear something that doesn't smell, and something that looks clean.”)

Organization

Limited organization is apparent in this essay. The writing demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, as well as a lack of appropriate paragraphing and transitional devices.

The introduction attempts to include a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“There are many different ways one tries to impress another, but my way is a little bit more different than most people.”)

There is some evidence of transitional devices to help connect ideas. (“In the end you should have good hygiene, care about your job, and want a job.”)

The conclusion attempts to summarize the main points of the essay. (“In the end you should have good hygiene, care about your job, and want a job.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay is characterized by a limited use of language and style. The writing demonstrates simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and a reliance on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“Also don't act like you are nervous, just stay calm and continue your interview.”)

Sentence lengths are short. (“First impression is very important. …Hygiene is also very important.”) The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience.

(“Hygiene is also very important and should also be one of the top priorities when going to a job interview.

You wouldn't show up to an interview all smelly would you? I know i wouldn't! A manager wants to see someone who has good behavior, care about their job, and has good hygiene.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates limited control of mechanics and conventions in this essay. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“For me, no introduction doesn't speak its own name. First impression is very important. Most people these days meet you once, and the if they don't get the right impression from you, they won't want to talk to you. They won't even bother trying to get to know you better.”)

Model Essay

Have you ever imagined what it would be like on the first day at a new job? Well if you would ask me i would imagine it very scary and i would be very nervous. Its like the first day of school. You meet new people and the people would look at you weird. To make myself look good i would try my hardest. i would also give a good impression. you would also what to have a good attitude.

To make an impression i would dress appropriately and dress the way they want me to be dressed. Making an impression is like them see the best side of you and also that you can do the job correctly. It is important because if you go the first day and you smell or you are dressed inappropriately the will fire you or never give you the job. that would be a bad idea beause you would not get a job.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides minimal focus and meaning. Although a controlling idea is suggested, the essay demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience, and few parts of the task are completed.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“To make an impression i would dress appropriately and dress the way they want me to be dressed. Making an impression is like them see the best side of you and also that you can do the job correctly. It is important because if you go the first day and you smell or you are dressed inappropriately the will fire you or never give you the job. that would be a bad idea beause you would not get a job.”)

The essay states a minimal central or controlling idea. (“Have you ever imagined what it would be like on the first day at a new job? Well if you would ask me i would imagine it very scary and i would be very nervous. Its like the first day of school. You meet new people and the people would look at you weird. To make myself look good i would try my hardest. i would also give a good impression. you would also what to have a good attitude.”)

The writing style is not appropriate for the audience. (“It is important because if you go the first day and you smell or you are dressed inappropriately the will fire you or never give you the job. that would be a bad idea beause you would not get a job.”)

Content & Development

Minimal content and development are seen in this essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. (“To make an impression i would dress appropriately and dress the way they want me to be dressed. Making an impression is like them see the best side of you and also that you can do the job correctly. It is important because if you go the first day and you smell or you are dressed inappropriately the will fire you or never give you the job. that would be a bad idea beause you would not get a job.”)

Details are minimally used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“To make an impression i would dress appropriately and dress the way they want me to be dressed. Making an impression is like them see the best side of you and also that you can do the job correctly. It is important because if you go the first day and you smell or you are dressed inappropriately the will fire you or never give you the job. that would be a bad

idea beause you would not get a job.”)

Important details (examples, facts, brief narratives or explanations) are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“To make an impression i would dress appropriately and dress the way they want me to be dressed. Making an impression is like them see the best side of you and also that you can do the job correctly. It is important because if you go the first day and you smell or you are dressed inappropriately

the will fire you or never give you the job. that would be a bad idea beause you would not get a job.”)

Organization

Minimal organization is apparent to readers of this essay. It demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion, as well as little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of a good introduction. (“Have you ever imagined what it would be like on the first day at a new job? Well if you would ask me i would imagine it very scary and i would be very nervous. Its like the first day of school. You meet new people and the people would look at you weird. To make myself look good i would try my hardest. i would also give a good impression. you would also what to have a good attitude.”)

There is little evidence of transitional devices to help connect ideas. (“To make an impression i would dress appropriately and dress the way they want me to be dressed. Making an impression is like them see the best side of you and also that you can do the job correctly. It is important because if you go the first day and you smell or you are dressed inappropriately the will fire you or never give you the job.”)

The essay does little to include a conclusion. (“To make an impression i would dress appropriately and dress the way they want me to be dressed. Making an impression is like them see the best side of you and also that you can do the job correctly. It is important because if you go the first day and you smell or you are dressed inappropriately the will fire you or never give you the job. that would be a bad idea beause you would not get a job.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style in this essay is minimal at best. Poor language and word choice are demonstrated, as well as little awareness of audience. Basic errors in sentence structure and usage are also made.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“It is important because if you go the first day and you smell or you are dressed inappropriately the will fire you or never give you the job.”)

Sentence lengths are short. (“Its like the first day of school. … you would also what to have a good attitude.”)

The style is not formal. (“You meet new people and the people would look at you weird. …It is important because if you go the first day and you smell or you are dressed inappropriately the will fire you or never give you the job.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits minimal control of the mechanics and conventions of formal writing. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“i would also give a good impression. you would also what to have a good attitude.”)

Model Essay

The first day on my job i will do whatever the manager tells me to do. So that way my manager can trust me more and say that i am a good worker. I will dress in a good way to impress the manager and also talk an certain way. also do whatever i need to do and not be lazzy do everything on time. I will also talk to the costomers in a good way. THe first day i need to give a good impression.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Inadequate focus and meaning are apparent to readers of this essay. The writer fails to establish a controlling idea, and the essay demonstrates no understanding of purpose and audience. No parts of the task are completed.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas

clear and convincing. (“The first day on my job i will do whatever the manager tells me to do. So that way my manager can trust me more and say that i am a good worker. I will dress in a good way to impress the manager and also talk an certain way. also do whatever i need to do and not be lazzy do everything on time. I will also talk to the costomers in a good way. THe first day i need to give a good impression.”)

In the introduction, the supporting idea of the essay is not stated. (“The first day on my job i will do whatever the manager tells me to do. So that way my manager can trust me more and say that i am a good worker. I will dress in a good way to impress the manager and also talk an certain way. also do whatever i need to do and not be lazzy do everything on time. I will also talk to the costomers in a good way. THe first day i need to give a good impression.”)

In the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is not stated. (“The first day on my job i will do whatever the manager tells me to do. So that way my manager can trust me more and say that i am a

good worker. I will dress in a good way to impress the manager and also talk an certain way. also do whatever i need to do and not be lazzy do everything on time. I will also talk to the costomers in a good way. THe first day i need to give a good impression.”)

Content & Development

The essay consists of inadequate content and development. It fails to develop ideas, using no details for support.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central or controlling idea of the essay. (“The first day on my job i will do whatever the manager tells me to do. So that way my manager can trust me more and say that i am a good worker. I will dress in a good way to impress the manager and also talk an certain way. also do whatever i need to do and not be lazzy do everything on time. I will also talk to the costomers in a good way. THe first day i need to give a good impression.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“The first day on my job i will do whatever the manager tells me to do. So that way my manager can trust me more and say that i am a good worker. I will dress in a good way to impress the manager and also talk an certain way. also do whatever i need to do and not be lazzy do everything on time. I will also talk to the costomers in a good way. THe first day i need to give a good impression.”)

There are no main ideas in the body paragraphs. (“The first day on my job i will do whatever the manager tells me to do. So that way my manager can trust me more and say that i am a good worker. I will dress in a good way to impress the manager and also talk an certain way. also do whatever i need to do and not be lazzy do everything on time. I will also talk to the costomers in a good way. THe first day i need to give a good impression.”)

Organization

The essay features inadequate organization. It demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion, and no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“The first day on my job i will do whatever the manager tells me to do. So that way my manager can trust me more and say that i am a good worker. I will dress in a good way to impress the manager and also talk an certain way. also do whatever i need to do and not be lazzy do everything on time. I will also talk to the costomers in a good way. THe first day i need to give a good impression.”)

The first sentence of the introduction does not include a question, a quotation, or an interesting fact or statistic. (“The first day on my job i will do whatever the manager tells me to do.”)

The essay does not include a conclusion. (“The first day on my job i will do whatever the manager tells me to do. So that way my manager can trust me more and say that i am a good worker. I will dress in a good way to impress the manager and also talk an certain way. also do whatever i need to do and not be lazzy do everything on time. I will also talk to the costomers in a good way. THe first day i need to give a good impression.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay shows evidence of inadequate language use and style. The writing demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentence lengths are short. (“I will also talk to the costomers in a good way. THe first day i need to give a good impression.”)

There is repetition. (“I will dress in a good way to impress the manager and also talk an certain way. also do whatever i need to do and not be lazzy do everything on time. I will also talk to the costomers in a good way.”)

Transitions are needed. (“The first day on my job i will do whatever the manager tells me to do. So that way my manager can trust me more and say that i am a good worker. I will dress in a good way to impress the manager and also talk an certain way. also do whatever i need to do and not be lazzy do everything on time. I will also talk to the costomers in a good way. THe first day i need to give a good impression.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer shows inadequate control of mechanics and conventions in his/her essay. Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the essay does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“So that way my manager can trust me more and say that i am a good worker. I will dress in a good way to impress the manager and also talk an certain way. also do whatever i need to do and not be lazzy do everything on time.”)

Global warming has become an environmental issue of great concern. Nations worldwide have been called on to implement policies designed to decrease carbon dioxide emissions. At a grass roots level, it is possible for individuals to make a difference by making lifestyle changes and taking advantage of new technologies.

In a well-developed essay, describe how you and your family can help reduce carbon dioxide emissions.

Model Essay

Apocalypse, armageddon, and doomsday are often the phrases Hollywood directors turn to when trying to capture the feeling of great disaster and horror. However, these terms, while we may find them entertaining in the theater, could soon be used to describe a very real situation. As the human race expands across the continents and grows in population, more and more are we beginning to leave our mark on the planet. Although the earth has a predetermined set course in terms of what the landscape will look like a hundreds of thousands of years from now, this path can easily be altered by the human race. As we pollute the air with our transportation and machinery emissions, cover our land in excess waste, and burn up all of our fossil fuels, we are plummeting our planet into a state of emergency. However, these changes in our planet are subtle and we can easily reduce ninety percent of our mark on this earth with a few simple changes in lifestyle. Global warming could go from a growing issue to an issue of the past if we merely make slight changes in our transportation, waste disposal, and energy consumption.

Everyday millions of car engines are ignited in the United States alone, translating to millions of clouds and fumes of exhaust being released into the earth's atmosphere. These gases eat away at our earth's o-zone

layer, keeping the sun's rays within our planet's atmosphere. This entrapment of the sun’s rays increase temperatures and, virtually, cause global warming. To change this damaging outcome, there are several things we can do involving our modes of transportation. Many drivers often travel to work or business by themselves in cars with no other passengers. This method is highly inefficient and we need to learn to utilize the space in our vehicles by fitting the largest amount of people in our cars as possible. Not only is this method of carpooling much cheaper for individuals, but more importantly, it reduces the amount of exhaust produced from unnecessary vehicle usage. In addition to carpooling, we must also change the vehicles themselves. Advancements in the automobile industry have now enabled consumers to purchase cars with little or no gas emissions. If we take advantage of these new technologies, rather than smoke and carbon dioxide, we can release harmless water vapor into the atmosphere.

However, we must also undergo changes within our households if we are to truly have a positive impact on our planet. Every household produces waste, but the manner in which we approach these wastes is the difference between them being a positive impact or a detriment on society. If households only throw out their trash in one bin for weekly collection, it will just sit in a dumpsite collecting, later to be incinerated and a dangerous source for pollution. In contrast, there are other methods that enable our wastes to be more helpful, such as composting our recycling. By composting wastes the fumes produced by incinerators are drastically reduced, and the natural processes break down wastes to become soil conditioner and assist the environment's growth cycle. By recycling, plastic and paper products are broken down to produce new items and create a process of reusable materials.

The final change, which we must undergo to reduce global warming, is to reduce our energy consumption. If we change the products we use to support the "living green" movement, then we can reduce our expansive consumption of energy. For instance, insulating our homes by sealing windows and doors during winter will prevent over use of the heater. Likewise, window film and solar ventilation fans during the summer reduce humidity as well as the over use of air conditioners. Also, we must change our light

sources to reduce watts consumed in the household. By undergoing these several changes among many, we will severely lessen the amount of smoke produced by companies providing our homes with energy.

The only thing constant is change; however, what kind of change is up to us. If we accept the possible crisis at hand and undergo these simple changes in lifestyle (changing our methods of transportation, waste disposal, and energy consumption), then the term global warming will mean nothing to us anymore.

Everything we do, no matter how big or small, has an effect on our planet, and considering these actions with that of the millions of others on our planet, our actions as a race are truly important. Whether our actions as a race, society, and species are a detriment or the cause of global improvement is up to us. All we have to do is question how we want our history as a race to be viewed years from now, and whether we will place in the hands of next generations a planet of thriving environment, or, a planet of crisis.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience. He/she effectively completes all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task. Notably, the writer leaves readers with a clear picture of the lifestyle changes they can make to help reduce carbon dioxide emissions.

The essay’s introduction establishes a clear and insightful controlling idea. (“However, these changes in our planet are subtle and we can easily reduce ninety percent of our mark on this earth with a few simple changes in lifestyle. Global warming could go from a growing issue to an issue of the past if we merely make slight changes in our transportation, waste disposal, and energy consumption.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. (“Everyday millions of car engines are ignited in the United States alone, translating to millions of clouds and fumes of exhaust being released into the earth's atmosphere. These gases eat away at our earth's o-zone layer,

keeping the sun's rays within our planet's atmosphere.”)

The writer addresses and explains each of his/her ideas fully and relates them very effectively to the central idea of the essay. (“Advancements in the automobile industry have now enabled consumers to purchase cars with little or no gas emissions. If we take advantage of these new technologies, rather than smoke and carbon dioxide, we can release harmless water vapor into the atmosphere.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully, using a wide variety of appropriate details for support.

Relevant points explain and illustrate the concept of global warming and the actions individuals can take to fight it very effectively. (“To change this damaging outcome, there are several things we can do involving our modes of transportation. Many drivers often travel to work or business by themselves in cars with no other passengers. This method is highly inefficient and we need to learn to utilize the space in our vehicles by fitting the largest amount of people in our cars as possible. Not only is this method of carpooling much cheaper for individuals, but more importantly, it reduces the amount of exhaust produced from unnecessary vehicle usage.”)

Details and specific advice are used to explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (“Likewise, window film and solar ventilation fans during the summer reduce humidity as well as the over use of air conditioners. Also, we must change our light sources to reduce watts consumed in the household. By undergoing these several changes among many, we will severely lessen the amount of smoke produced by companies providing our homes with energy.”)

Specific information about the cause of global warming is developed very effectively. (“These gases eat away at our earth's o-zone layer, keeping the sun's rays within our planet's atmosphere. This entrapment of the sun’s rays increase temperatures and, virtually, cause global warming. To change this damaging

outcome, there are several things we can do involving our modes of transportation.”)

Organization

The writer effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction by comparing the potential impact of global warming to a Hollywood film. The readers will be familiar with these types of films, and they will likely be able to relate to the analogy. (“Apocalypse, armageddon, and doomsday are often the phrases

Hollywood directors turn to when trying to capture the feeling of great disaster and horror. However, these terms, while we may find them entertaining in the theater, could soon be used to describe a very real situation. As the human race expands across the continents and grows in population, more and more are we beginning to leave our mark on the planet.”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect ideas between paragraphs. (“If we take advantage of these new technologies, rather than smoke and carbon dioxide, we can release harmless water vapor into the atmosphere. However, we must also undergo changes within our households if we are to truly have a

positive impact on our planet.”)

The writer includes an ending that explains the purpose of the essay and places it in the context of the

larger issue. The conclusion also provides readers with a sense of closure. (“Everything we do, no matter how big or small, has an effect on our planet, and considering these actions with that of the millions of others on our planet, our actions as a race are truly important. Whether our actions as a race, society, and species are a detriment or the cause of global improvement is up to us. All we have to do is question how we want our history as a race to be viewed years from now, and whether we will place in the hands of next generations a planet of thriving environment, or, a planet of crisis.”)

Language Use & Style

adds to the effectiveness of the writer’s response.

The writer chooses descriptive words to explain both why and how individual contributions can help fight global warming. (“Every household produces waste, but the manner in which we approach these wastes is the difference between them being a positive impact or a detriment on society. If households only throw out their trash in one bin for weekly collection, it will just sit in a dumpsite collecting, later to be incinerated and a dangerous source for pollution. In contrast, there are other methods that enable our wastes to be more helpful, such as composting our recycling.”)

essay. (“Everyday millions of car engines are ignited in the United States alone, translating to millions of clouds and fumes of exhaust being released into the earth's atmosphere. These gases eat away at our earth's o-zone layer, keeping the sun's rays within our planet's atmosphere. This entrapment of the sun’s rays increase temperatures and, virtually, cause global warming.”)

The writer demonstrates use of a strong voice throughout the response. (“By recycling, plastic and paper products are broken down to produce new items and create a process of reusable materials. The final change, which we must undergo to reduce global warming, is to reduce our energy consumption. If we

change the products we use to support the ‘living green’ movement, then we can reduce our expansive consumption of energy. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling.

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“Many drivers often travel to work or business by themselves in cars with no other passengers. This method is highly inefficient and we need to learn to utilize the space in our vehicles by fitting the largest amount of people in our cars as possible. Not only is this method of carpooling much cheaper for individuals, but more importantly, it reduces the amount of exhaust produced from unnecessary vehicle usage. In addition to carpooling, we must also change the vehicles themselves.”)

Model Essay

Global warming is an international environmental crisis that continues to consume our world. People persistently look for solutions to improve the life-threatening situation Earth deals with. In reminder, global warming is the increase in temperature of the Earth's atmosphere. According to scientists, human activities contribute towards global warming. Despite the dilemma, there are numerous solutions to ease the condition of our world. Each and every individual on our planet has the power to make a difference by altering his or her lifestyle and taking advantage of new technologies to resolve our global warming issues.

Global warming is capable of being a destructive catastrophe. Earth suffers harmful consequences and is on the rise. People are constantly searching for an essential solution to resolve the issue. The increase in temperature is found to be caused by a few of the following factors: energy use and production, chlorofluorocarbons, industrial activities, fossil fuels, and natural gases. Man-made emissions contribute to the increase of carbon dioxide being released into the atmosphere, which leads to the buildup of greenhouse gases. As a result, temperature rises because rays are trapped in the atmosphere due to the thick blanket of greenhouse gases. There are effects subsequent to the problem such as the melting of the polar ice caps which results in the rising of sea levels. Not only will the planet suffer rising sea levels, there will be things needed to be dealt with like economic consequences, increase in environmental problems, and spread of diseases and sickness.

On the industrial level, factories can reduce carbon dioxide and green house emissions in the atmosphere before it is too late. The dependency on fossil fuel needs to diminish and the search for renewable energy is to be sought to substitute for alternative energy needs. As human individuals, people can help reduce carbon dioxide emissions by reducing, reusing, and recycling. By recycling products, carbon dioxide emissions can be reduced drastically. Instead of driving a car, a person can find alternative transportation modes such as bicycling or mass transit. A fuel-smart car could also be considered when purchasing a vehicle. Going solar is a great alternative source for energy consumption. As the use of solar energy becomes more popular, people become more conscious of its capabilities and resourcefulness. Individuals can also join friends, family, neighbors, or community services to plant trees and conserve the environment. Trees have the ability to absorb carbon dioxide and convert it into oxygen. However, it is most important that each and every person to educate others about taking practical steps to save and protect the environment. In the long run, Earth will benefit for the better.

We can take action within our very own homes to help the cause of global warming. With the help of friends and family, we can perform simple tasks by going green. By changing light bulbs to compact fluorescent light bulbs, less energy will be used. As a result, there will be less pollution from power plants.

Household families can also save money by purchasing compact fluorescent light bulbs. Instead of using a car, families can consider limiting their use. We can travel by mass transit, bicycle, or walk. If that is unfeasible, families can set goals and calculate the emissions saved when using their vehicle. Families need to conserve energy. In most homes, a copious amount of energy goes to waste. Lights, computers, and televisions are left on. Plugs are unplugged. Luckily, this can be avoided. In general, every person must practice all the conservation we can to ease the condition of Earth.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The introductory paragraph establishes a clear and specific controlling/central idea. (“In reminder, global warming is the increase in temperature of the Earth's atmosphere. According to scientists, human activities contribute towards global warming. Despite the dilemma, there are numerous solutions to ease the condition of our world. Each and every individual on our planet has the power to make a difference by altering his or her lifestyle and taking advantage of new technologies to resolve our global warming

issues.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea, and the writer demonstrates an understanding of the purpose of the essay. (“However, it is most important that each and every person to educate others about taking practical steps to save and protect the environment. In the long run, Earth will benefit for the better. We can take action within our very own homes to help the cause of global warming.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very well, and the writer maintains focus on his/her thesis throughout the essay. (“Despite the dilemma, there are numerous solutions to ease the condition of our

world. Each and every individual on our planet has the power to make a difference by altering his or her lifestyle and taking advantage of new technologies to resolve our global warming issues.”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient and appropriate details for support.

The content in the body of the paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain the main idea, and the writer effectively covers a variety of information. The writer could strengthen his/her essay by including

citations, data, and facts about the issue. (“By changing light bulbs to compact fluorescent light bulbs, less energy will be used. As a result, there will be less pollution from power plants. Household families can also save money by purchasing compact fluorescent light bulbs. Instead of using a car, families can consider limiting their use. We can travel by mass transit, bicycle, or walk.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea in the topic sentence. (“Global warming is capable of being a destructive catastrophe. Earth suffers harmful consequences and is on the rise. People are constantly searching for an essential solution to resolve the issue. The increase in temperature is found to be caused by a few of the following factors: energy use and production,

chlorofluorocarbons, industrial activities, fossil fuels, and natural gases.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. However, the writer could strengthen his/her essay by explaining each main idea more completely instead of including multiple, separate ideas in each paragraph. (“There are effects subsequent to the problem such as the melting of the polar ice caps which results in the rising of sea levels. Not only will the planet suffer rising sea levels, there will be things needed to be dealt with like economic consequences, increase in environmental problems, and spread of diseases and

sickness.”)

Organization

There is good organization of ideas and events throughout the essay. The essay demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. Additionally, consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices is reflected.

The essay demonstrates an effective introduction. In his/her first two paragraphs, the writer provides

readers with necessary background information. (“Global warming is an international environmental crisis that continues to consume our world. People persistently look for solutions to improve the life-threatening situation Earth deals with. In reminder, global warming is the increase in temperature of the Earth's atmosphere. According to scientists, human activities contribute towards global warming. Despite the

dilemma, there are numerous solutions to ease the condition of our world.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or sentences are used well, and they contribute to the flow of the essay. However, the writer could improve his/her essay by separating major ideas into individual paragraphs. (“On the industrial level, factories can reduce carbon dioxide and green house emissions in the atmosphere before it is too late. The dependency on fossil fuel needs to diminish and the search for renewable energy is to be sought to substitute for alternative energy needs.”)

The essay’s conclusion provides the readers with closure and accurately summarizes the main ideas of the essay. The writer could strengthen his/her conclusion by including a more effective call to action. (“If that is unfeasible, families can set goals and calculate the emissions saved when using their vehicle. Families need to conserve energy. In most homes, a copious amount of energy goes to waste. Lights, computers, and televisions are left on. Plugs are unplugged. Luckily, this can be avoided. In general, every person must practice all the conservation we can to ease the condition of Earth.”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent and contribute to the overall effectiveness of the essay. (“However, it is most important that each and every person to educate others about taking practical steps to save and protect the environment. In the long run, Earth will benefit for the better. We can take action within our very own homes to help the cause of global warming. With the help of friends and family, we can perform simple tasks by going green.”)

essay. (“Man-made emissions contribute to the increase of carbon dioxide being released into the atmosphere, which leads to the buildup of greenhouse gases. As a result, temperature rises because rays are trapped in the atmosphere due to the thick blanket of greenhouse gases. There are effects subsequent to the problem such as the melting of the polar ice caps which results in the rising of sea levels.”)

The writer employs good word choices to describe the potential impact of global warming and the benefits of individual action to help protect the environment. (“Going solar is a great alternative source for energy consumption. As the use of solar energy becomes more popular, people become more conscious of its capabilities and resourcefulness. Individuals can also join friends, family, neighbors, or community services to plant trees and conserve the environment.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“As a result, temperature rises because rays are trapped in the atmosphere due to the thick blanket of greenhouse gases. There are effects subsequent to the problem such as the melting of the polar ice caps which results in the rising of sea levels. Not only will the planet suffer rising sea levels, there will be things needed to be dealt with like economic consequences, increase in environmental problems, and spread of diseases and sickness.”)

Model Essay

Global Warming is killing us. Storms are occurring nonstop in our society today, and killing thousands even millions of people every year! Global Warming is melting our ice caps and causing floods. The ozone is getting a huge hole in it little by little, and the sun is shining its UV rays on earth, and it is being contained, making the Earth's atmosphere hot. This most stop. We need to stop polluting, start recycling, and take better care of our society by using other more reasonable resources. This way, we can do anything we want, and at the same time not pollute our sweet Earth. I know many ways my family could prevent Global Warming.

One way my family could help reduce carbon dioxide emissions, is stop using cars. These dangerous gases are rising into our atmosphere, and destroying our ozone. By driving bikes, or even walking to the store or a close job, we are stopping those gases from rising. If many people tried it, it is not that bad at all. You get your daily exercise, and save your posterity's life.

One way my family could help reduce global warming, is to recycle. So many of the food that we eat the bottles we drink out of, we throw away in the streets. When it rains, it gets dumped into our sewers and into the lakes and ocean of our beautiful world. Doing this, we pollute our waters, and all those bad chemicals are rising into the air and cause Global Warming. My family and I, recycle. If everyone did this and made sure their street was clean and everything, we can reduce the polluting of our waters, and make our earth a safer place to live in and not worry about global warming.

Another way my family help reduce global warming, is use appliances in our home that do not leak out the gases of carbon dioxide. The earth can only consume a limit of carbon dioxide and it has adapted to it, but we are creating a newer more dangerous kind. Our ozone is being cut into a massive hole by these gases, and what happens, the earth is being heated by the sun and the hot temperature is contained in the earth. By adding light bulbs, or taking away those electricity wires that give off that gas, we can use preservatives, and we can make our planet a better place as long as many people chip in.

As you can see, our family does a lot of things to prevent global warming. We preserve our homes to a safer less carbon dioxide household, we recycle the best we can, and we do a little exercise here and there, to not over use our car. If only people chipped in, not just millions, but billions, we can all together work as one unit to create our earth into a less dangerous environment, and Global Warming free.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains adequate focus and meaning in the essay. A controlling idea and a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task are established. The writer provides descriptions and details that are relevant, and he/she completes many parts of the task.

The thesis statement presents the central idea of the essay and the point of view of the writer adequately. (“We need to stop polluting, start recycling, and take better care of our society by using other more

reasonable resources. This way, we can do anything we want, and at the same time not pollute our sweet Earth. I know many ways my family could prevent Global Warming.”)

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The essay is devoted to informing the readers

about the actions individuals can take to help fight global warming. (“Another way my family help reduce global warming, is use appliances in our home that do not leak out the gases of carbon dioxide. The earth can only consume a limit of carbon dioxide and it has adapted to it, but we are creating a newer more

dangerous kind.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience. There is little use of slang or contractions. (“My family and I, recycle. If everyone did this and made sure their street was clean and everything, we can reduce the polluting of our waters, and make our earth a safer place to live in and not worry about global warming.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate, and the writer uses sufficient details for support.

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas and adequately addresses each of the topics he/she presents in the essay. (“If many people tried it, it is not that bad at all. You get your daily exercise,

and save your posterity's life. One way my family could help reduce global warming, is to recycle. So many of the food that we eat the bottles we drink out of, we throw away in the streets. When it rains, it gets dumped into our sewers and into the lakes and ocean of our beautiful world.”)

The details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“Another way my family help reduce global warming, is use appliances in our home that do not leak out the gases of carbon dioxide. The earth can only consume a limit of carbon dioxide and it has adapted to it, but we are creating a newer more dangerous kind.”) Providing more specific details would enhance the writer’s descriptions of the contributions an individual can make to help fight global warming.

The writer provides personal examples that are relevant. (“We need to stop polluting, start recycling, and take better care of our society by using other more reasonable resources. This way, we can do anything we want, and at the same time not pollute our sweet Earth. I know many ways my family could prevent Global Warming. One way my family could help reduce carbon dioxide emissions, is stop using cars.”)

Organization

The beginning of the essay demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by presenting information meant to elicit an emotional response. (“Global Warming is killing us. Storms are occurring

nonstop in our society today, and killing thousands even millions of people every year! Global Warming is melting our ice caps and causing floods. The ozone is getting a huge hole in it little by little, and the sun is shining its UV rays on earth, and it is being contained, making the Earth's atmosphere hot.”)

Subtle transitions are used to connect ideas. (“By adding light bulbs, or taking away those electricity wires that give off that gas, we can use preservatives, and we can make our planet a better place as long as many people chip in. As you can see, our family does a lot of things to prevent global warming.”) The writer should incorporate more transitions to connect the ideas in a more meaningful way.

The writer attempts to summarize the main points of the response in his/her conclusion, which does not leave the readers with too much to think about. However, the readers are given a sense of closure. The writer should consider enhancing the conclusion with a more specific summary of ideas and a call to action. (“As you can see, our family does a lot of things to prevent global warming. We preserve our homes to a

safer less carbon dioxide household, we recycle the best we can, and we do a little exercise here and there, to not over use our car. If only people chipped in, not just millions, but billions, we can all together work as one unit to create our earth into a less dangerous environment, and Global Warming free.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“The earth can only consume a limit of carbon dioxide and it has adapted to it, but we are creating a newer more dangerous kind. Our ozone is being cut into a massive hole by these gases, and what happens, the earth is being heated by the sun and the hot temperature is contained in the earth. By adding light bulbs, or taking away those electricity wires that give off that gas, we can use preservatives, and we can make our planet a better place as long as many people chip in.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the response. He/she provides language that adequately describes the measures one can take to fight global warming to the intended audience. (“One way my family could help reduce carbon dioxide emissions, is stop using cars. These dangerous gases are rising into our atmosphere, and destroying our ozone. By driving bikes, or even walking to the store or a close job, we are stopping those gases from rising. If many people tried it, it is not that bad at all. You get your daily exercise, and save your posterity's life.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the essay. (“My family and I, recycle. If everyone did this and made sure their street was clean and everything, we can reduce the polluting of our waters, and make our earth a safer place to live in and not worry about global warming. Another way my family help reduce global warming, is use appliances in our home that do not leak out the gases of carbon dioxide.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

paragraphs are indicated with line breaks. (“Doing this, we pollute our waters, and all those bad chemicals are rising into the air and cause Global Warming. My family and I, recycle. If everyone did this and made sure their street was clean and everything, we can reduce the polluting of our waters, and make our earth a safer place to live in and not worry about global warming.”)

Model Essay

The carbon dioxide emissoin has our earth in danger so we need to learn to use recycle uses. so instead of using plastic bags you can use a bag that can be reused in that you don't need to throw away. And another thing is that you can use a bike instead of a car becasue the car uses gas and the gas pollute the air which makes the carbon dioxide emissions go up higer. and another thing is that we can recycle bottles instead of throwing them away. because if a sea animal see a bottle they might mistaking it as a jelly fish and choke on the bottle.

Other things that we can do to keep the carbon emissions from going up is to clean up bus stops and other places such as, beaches, parks and other social enviroment. it is also good to turn off all power that is not being at uses of anything that is plug up you should unplug until it is at use again. when you brushing your teeth or taking a shower you should try to make it short or go really fast to save water. when you do that type of things you save gallons of water.

we should also use solar power. like with cooking or others thing we warm up we should use solar power. because it can save power. and we can also get rid of gas stoves because we already have enough problems with car gas and with stove gas just going to make it even harder. and we can reuse paper because we can keep cutting down trees.

there are many more things we can do to save power. Wash clothes with warm or cold water instead of hot, Use compact fluorescent light bulbs to save money and energy. Install weather stripping around all doors and windows, Shade outside air conditioning units by trees or other means. there a lot of ways to save power of golbal warming.

these are mostly all the ways you can do to save power gobal warming is getting worst and you need to try to use these recycling process to save earth.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the essay. The writer establishes a limited controlling idea and demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she provides limited descriptions and details that may not give the readers a clear understanding of his/her message. Only some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The writer reveals the controlling idea in a limited way. (“The carbon dioxide emissoin has our earth in danger so we need to learn to use recycle uses. so instead of using plastic bags you can use a bag that can be reused in that you don't need to throw away. And another thing is that you can use a bike instead of a car becasue the car uses gas and the gas pollute the air which makes the carbon dioxide emissions go up higer. and another thing is that we can recycle bottles instead of throwing them away. because if a sea animal see a bottle they might mistaking it as a jelly fish and choke on the bottle.”) The writer’s thesis/controlling idea is identifiable but introduced and explained in a limited way.

The writer’s focus is limited. The writer focuses on various ways he/she can help fight global warming, but the description is disjointed and occasionally unclear. (“like with cooking or others thing we warm up we should use solar power. because it can save power. and we can also get rid of gas stoves because we already have enough problems with car gas and with stove gas just going to make it even harder. and we can reuse paper because we can keep cutting down trees.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the essay and should include more meaningful examples to illustrate his/her main ideas. Including specific examples and data about how each could improve the

environment would help the readers understand the purpose and meaning of the essay. (“Install weather stripping around all doors and windows, Shade outside air conditioning units by trees or other means. there a lot of ways to save power of golbal warming.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. He/she develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support.

The readers might not fully understand each of the writer’s ideas because they are developed in a limited way. (“Other things that we can do to keep the carbon emissions from going up is to clean up bus stops and other places such as, beaches, parks and other social enviroment. it is also good to turn off all power that is not being at uses of anything that is plug up you should unplug until it is at use again.”)

The main ideas in the body paragraphs are not always related. The writer mentions each point briefly and then introduces new ideas before fully explaining his/her previous idea. (“there are many more things we can do to save power. Wash clothes with warm or cold water instead of hot, Use compact fluorescent light

bulbs to save money and energy. Install weather stripping around all doors and windows, Shade outside air conditioning units by trees or other means. there a lot of ways to save power of golbal warming.”)

The explanations and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“it is also good to turn off all power that is not being at uses of anything that is plug up you should unplug until it is at use again. when you brushing your teeth or taking a shower you should try to make it short or go really fast to save water.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a limited introduction. The writer discloses the general purpose of the essay, but with limited background information and descriptive details, the readers may struggle to understand the

concept of global warming and environmental protection. (“The carbon dioxide emissoin has our earth in danger so we need to learn to use recycle uses. so instead of using plastic bags you can use a bag that can be reused in that you don't need to throw away. And another thing is that you can use a bike instead of a car becasue the car uses gas and the gas pollute the air which makes the carbon dioxide emissions go up higer.”)

Stronger transitions within paragraphs and between sentences are needed to enhance the flow of the writer’s ideas. (“and we can reuse paper because we can keep cutting down trees. there are many more things we can do to save power. Wash clothes with warm or cold water instead of hot, Use compact fluorescent light bulbs to save money and energy.”)

Although the conclusion of the essay provides the readers with a sense of closure, it does not summarize

the main ideas or leave readers with something to think about. (“these are mostly all the ways you can do to save power gobal warming is getting worst and you need to try to use these recycling process to save earth.”)

Language Use & Style

Some sentences are short. (“when you do that type of things you save gallons of water. we should also use solar power. like with cooking or others thing we warm up we should use solar power. because it can save power.”) The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the response more interesting to the intended audience and increase the sophistication of his/her writing.

Oftentimes, the writer uses the same group of words to begin sentences. (“when you brushing your teeth or taking a shower you should try to make it short or go really fast to save water. when you do that type of

things you save gallons of water.”)

The sentences are too informal, and the word choices are often basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“there a lot of ways to save power of golbal warming. these are mostly all the ways you can do to save power gobal warming is getting worst and you need to try to use these recycling process to save earth.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should begin each sentence with a capital letter, make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, check for the correct spelling of words, ensure proper usage of words within the context of sentences, and indicate new paragraphs with line breaks. (“we should also use solar power. like with cooking or others thing we warm up we should use solar power. because it can save power. and we can also get rid of gas stoves because we already have enough problems with car gas and with stove gas just going to make it even harder.”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

my family ca help lobal warming by doing simple thing thare easy and don't cost much. These are some ways that me and my family could help. My family could help recycling. recyce is the best way to ever help and its amost non caostly. recyce help reuses our dily plastic uses (which is alot) so they can be use and not be burned and have to live with the bad particales in the earth. When we recycle we save money and most importantly the earth. we could help our earth from globel warm is a natural clense of the earth. i mean by clense you ask? mean you could not only get rids of but elaminate it. and but it some place else. Maybe in space or some place else where its not our proplem and could go in a black whole or somthing. would surelyl clense it. of the plastic is out we could get rid or the bad fib and stuff we use for natural product and stuf.

This what i think we all could do as a group/family for our earth. I believe with most peoples help this earth could be a nice clean enviroment for us to live in and have fun and charice every moment in. Have a nice day.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer only minimally includes a central/controlling idea. (“my family ca help lobal warming by doing simple thing thare easy and don't cost much. These are some ways that me and my family could help. My family could help recycling. recyce is the best way to ever help and its amost non caostly.”) The writer misses the opportunity to elaborate on specific ways families can help fight global warming. Providing more details at every turn in a response creates a richly textured message that gives the readers a clear picture of the purpose of the essay.

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give the readers a true sense of the environmental efforts being described. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the

intended audience. (“recyce help reuses our dily plastic uses (which is alot) so they can be use and not be burned and have to live with the bad particales in the earth. When we recycle we save money and most importantly the earth.”)

The writer’s controlling/central idea is vague. The writer should focus on introducing his/her ideas more effectively and making sure they are fully supported. (“my family ca help lobal warming by doing simple thing thare easy and don't cost much. These are some ways that me and my family could help. My family could help recycling. recyce is the best way to ever help and its amost non caostly.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s thesis statement. (“My family could help recycling. recyce is the best way to ever help and its amost non caostly. recyce help reuses our dily plastic uses (which is alot) so they can be use and not be burned and have to live with the bad particales in the

earth. When we recycle we save money and most importantly the earth.”)

In the two-paragraph essay, the writer does not include enough support and only minimally addresses the prompt’s requirements. (“recyce help reuses our dily plastic uses (which is alot) so they can be use and not be burned and have to live with the bad particales in the earth. When we recycle we save money and most importantly the earth. we could help our earth from globel warm is a natural clense of the earth. i mean by clense you ask? mean you could not only get rids of but elaminate it.”)

Details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. Details should include examples, facts, or

explanations, and they should serve to support the readers’ understanding of the power individuals have to help protect the environment. (“These are some ways that me and my family could help. My family could help recycling. recyce is the best way to ever help and its amost non caostly. recyce help reuses our dily plastic uses (which is alot) so they can be use and not be burned and have to live with the bad particales in the earth.”)

Organization

Furthermore, the essay demonstrates little evidence of a strong ending.

The essay does not effectively grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. The writer provides no

background information, and the introduction leaves the purpose of the essay unclear. (“my family ca help lobal warming by doing simple thing thare easy and don't cost much. These are some ways that me and my family could help. My family could help recycling.”)

There is little evidence of transitional devices to help connect ideas. (“and but it some place else. Maybe in space or some place else where its not our proplem and could go in a black whole or somthing. would surelyl clense it. of the plastic is out we could get rid or the bad fib and stuff we use for natural product and stuf. This what i think we all could do as a group/family for our earth.”)

The writer does little to include a strong conclusion. The conclusion does not provide a sense of closure or leave the readers with something to think about after finishing the essay. (“This what i think we all could do as a group/family for our earth. I believe with most peoples help this earth could be a nice clean

enviroment for us to live in and have fun and charice every moment in. Have a nice day.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is minimal. The essay demonstrates simple language and word choice with little awareness of audience. It also displays basic errors in sentence structure, spelling, and usage.

Sentence lengths are short and, in some cases, fragmented. (“Maybe in space or some place else where its not our proplem and could go in a black whole or somthing. would surelyl clense it. of the plastic is out we could get rid or the bad fib and stuff we use for natural product and stuf.”)

Exact words are missing, which can affect meaning. (“we could help our earth from globel warm is a natural clense of the earth. i mean by clense you ask? mean you could not only get rids of but elaminate it. and but it some place else.”)

The writer relies on simple sentence structures and word choices. (“My family could help recycling. recyce is the best way to ever help and its amost non caostly. recyce help reuses our dily plastic uses (which is alot) so they can be use and not be burned and have to live with the bad particales in the earth.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized essay. (“and but it some place else. Maybe in space or some place else where its not our proplem and could go in a black whole or somthing. would surelyl clense it. of the plastic is out we could get rid or the bad fib and

stuff we use for natural product and stuf.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

I help take the earth and also not distruation the eart. and also take that my family also take of the earth because the earth is importen. because if the earth not the take to can distrution and not we can life. and also we can take talk about the global warming because all they can help the energy in the earth and world of global warming I and my family can help carbon dioxide doing best in the earth. and also takecare of the world that not to be distruation because si the earth not we can life because not have nothing. because the earth and the planet are important for everybody also they use the energy of the earth.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The writer does not successfully relate his/her ideas to the readers’ own lives. (“and also takecare of the world that not to be distruation because si the earth not we can life because not have nothing. because the earth and the planet are important for everybody also they use the energy of the earth.”)

The writer states a central/controlling idea but does not develop it adequately through examples and

descriptive details. (“because if the earth not the take to can distrution and not we can life. and also we can take talk about the global warming because all they can help the energy in the earth and world of global warming I and my family can help carbon dioxide doing best in the earth.”)

The essay’s lack of specific details renders the writer’s message ineffective and incomplete; the purpose of the essay is unclear to the readers. (“and also takecare of the world that not to be distruation because si the earth not we can life because not have nothing. because the earth and the planet are important for

everybody also they use the energy of the earth.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer neglects to develop ideas, using little or no details for support.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“because if the earth not the take to can distrution and not we can life. and also we can take talk about the global warming because all they can help the energy in the earth and world of global warming I and my family can help carbon

dioxide doing best in the earth”)

In the one-paragraph response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs. The writer does not adequately explain his/or ideas or relate them to the concept of the individual’s ability to fight global warming through specific actions. (“I help take the earth and also not distruation the eart. and also take that my family also take of the earth because the earth is importen. because if the earth not the take to can distrution and not we can life.”)

Details are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Details could include examples, facts, or

explanations to bring the writer’s ideas to life. (“and also takecare of the world that not to be distruation because si the earth not we can life because not have nothing. because the earth and the planet are important for everybody also they use the energy of the earth.”)

Organization

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction, and it does not adequately explain the purpose of the essay. (“I help take the earth and also not distruation the eart. and also take that my family also take of the earth because the earth is importen.”)

Transitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“and also we can take talk about the global warming because all they can help the energy in the earth and world of global warming I and my family can help carbon dioxide doing best in the earth. and also takecare of the world that not to be distruation because si the earth not we can life because not have nothing.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“because the earth and the planet are important for everybody also they use the energy of the earth.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentences are short. (“I help take the earth and also not distruation the eart.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended

audience. (“I help take the earth and also not distruation the eart. and also take that my family also take of the earth because the earth is importen. because if the earth not the take to can distrution and not we can life.”)

The writer relies on simple sentences and word choices. (“because the earth and the planet are important for everybody also they use the energy of the earth.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

important for everybody also they use the energy of the earth.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

A mature person is one who does not think only in absolutes, who is able to be objective even when deeply stirred emotionally, who has learned that there is both good and bad in all people and all things, and who walks humbly and deals charitably. — Eleanor Roosevelt

Maturity is a virtue that we all strive for but often find difficult to obtain. It is a quality that we must acquire at some point in our lives as we become adults. What do you think it means to be a mature person?

Write a well-organized essay in which you describe what you think are some of the qualities that make a person mature. Be sure to include specific examples to support your ideas.

Model Essay

The wise Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “A mature person is one who does not think only in absolutes, who is able to be objective even when deeply stirred emotionally.” Though there are many ways to define and measure maturity, Roosevelt’s description best encaptures what "maturity" really means. Two characteristics of a mature individual (reflected in Roosevelt's profoundly wise statement) are the characteristics of tolerance and sympathy, both highly regarded traits in our society- and for good reason. Though there are many ways in which a person can be mature, being tolerant and sympathetic are necessary to being considered enlightened.

One of the most unique qualities which distinguishes a person who is mature from one who is not is the quality of tolerance. There are people in the world who fail to see beyond their own ideologies and practi ces. Though these types of people may make good points and effectively argue for their causes, their approach is a blind one as they fail to understand or accept opposing views. Intolerant people are fearful and obviously not firm enough in their own beliefs to listen with compassion to those whose methods are not congruent. What difference is there between a stubborn child and an intolerant adult who sees the world through tunneled glasses? Both are egocentric and have the inability to cooperate with a wide range of other human beings because of their immaturity. Mature people are those who can be patient in frustrating situations, compassionate with their fellow man, and open to new and wondrous opportunities; all qualities a person demonstrates by being tolerant. Thus, tolerance and maturity go hand and hand.

Yet, despite other things which might separate an immature person from a person who is mature, sympathy is the most deciding factor. Sympathy (as opposed to empathy) is defined as "A relationship or an affinity between people or things in which whatever affects one correspondingly affects the other" (Webster's Dictionary). In layman's terms, it can be called pity or a "shared feeling" between persons. Those unable recognize and attempt to aid those going through tribulations and trials are childish fools and cannot be considered mature people. Mature individuals, though they may not be able to fully understand the pain of the people around them, they make attempts to put themselves in their brother's shoes and are willing to help in any ways they can. Immature people only care about the things which affect themselves directly, mature people are able to see the bigger picture.

In contrast, it is easy to spot an immature person by his actions. A classic example of an immature person is the character of Roger Chillingworth in the highly acclaimed novel, The Scarlet Letter , by Nathaniel Hawthorne. Chillingworth shows his immaturity in his inability to let go of the past and continue forward in life. Rather than moving on, Chillingworth masquerades as a helpful and knowledgeable doctor whose real purpose is to torture the man who committed adultery long ago with Hester. Even as the novel comes to a close, Chillingworth does not let go of his iron grip he has on the poor Reverend Dimmsdale. He takes pride in his evil doings and laughs with an "unrelenting smile" at Hester's pitiful attempt to escape (Page 224). When Hester and her lover finally reveal their secret, nothing human is left in Chillingworth, and he

wastes away echoing "'Thou hast escaped me!'" (Page 233). Chillingworth is clearly a scornful and immature character. Thus, people who are stuck in the past are immature.

In conclusion, only people who possess both tolerance and sympathy meet the criteria of a mature individual. Mature people are also those who are able to overcome adversity, and who are able to not get caught up in past problems. Though there are many other traits which a mature person has, these are truly the most influential. Inherently, people are nasty, vile creatures. Only through practice and time a person can reach maturation, the point when he is able to recognize his own transgressions and feel compassion toward one another. Mature people have the ability to see the beauty in others, as opposed to only within themselves. Mature people can think and feel like those around them and recognize when their fellow human is in need of love or support. Being mature doesn't mean being hasty or always right, but rather, always able to adapt and change to fit the situation. Eleanor Roosevelt said a mature person was one "who has learned that there is both good and bad in all people and all things," and this is a grand and universal truth.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea, demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes all parts of the task, even going beyond the limits of the task.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by very effectively using an interesting quote, a question, or an engaging statement in the beginning of the introduction. (“The wise Eleanor Roosevelt once said, ‘A

mature person is one who does not think only in absolutes, who is able to be objective even when deeply

stirred emotionally.’ Though there are many ways to define and measure maturity, Roosevelt’s description best encaptures what ‘maturity’ really means. Two characteristics of a mature individual (reflected in Roosevelt's profoundly wise statement) are the characteristics of tolerance and sympathy, both highly regarded traits in our society- and for good reason. Though there are many ways in which a person can be mature, being tolerant and sympathetic are necessary to being considered enlightened.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the controlling idea very effectively. (“One of the most unique qualities which distinguishes a person who is mature from one who is not is the quality of tolerance. There are people in the world who fail to see beyond their own ideologies and practices. Though these types of people may make good points and effectively argue for their causes, their approach is a blind one as they fail to understand or accept opposing views. Intolerant people are fearful and obviously not firm enough in their own beliefs to listen with compassion to those whose methods are not congruent. …Yet, despite other things which might separate an immature person from a person who is mature, sympathy is the most

deciding factor.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with details about the two characteristics of maturity: tolerance and sympathy. (“Yet, despite other things which might separate an immature person from a person who is mature, sympathy is the most deciding factor. Sympathy (as opposed to empathy) is defined as ‘A relationship or an affinity between people or things in which whatever affects one correspondingly affects the other’ (Webster's Dictionary). In layman's terms, it can be called pity or a ‘shared feeling’ between persons. Those unable recognize and attempt to aid those going through tribulations and trials are childish fools and cannot be considered mature people. Mature individuals, though they may not be able to fully understand the pain of the people around them, they make attempts to

put themselves in their brother's shoes and are willing to help in any ways they can. Immature people only care about the things which affect themselves directly, mature people are able to see the bigger picture.”)

Content & Development

Very effective content and development are exhibited in this essay. Ideas are developed fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details to support ideas.

The details that are included in each paragraph very effectively develop the main idea of the topic sentence. (“One of the most unique qualities which distinguishes a person who is mature from one who is not is the quality of tolerance. There are people in the world who fail to see beyond their own ideologies and practices. Though these types of people may make good points and effectively argue for their causes, their approach is a blind one as they fail to understand or accept opposing views. Intolerant people are fearful and obviously not firm enough in their own beliefs to listen with compassion to those whose methods are not congruent. What difference is there between a stubborn child and an intolerant adult who sees the world through tunneled glasses? Both are egocentric and have the inability to cooperate with a wide range of other human beings because of their immaturity.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (“In contrast, it is easy to spot an immature person by his actions. A classic example of an immature person is the character of Roger Chillingworth in the highly acclaimed novel, The Scarlet Letter , by Nathaniel Hawthorne. Chillingworth shows his immaturity in his inability to let go of the past and continue forward in life. Rather than moving on, Chillingworth masquerades as a helpful and knowledgeable doctor whose real purpose is to torture the man who committed adultery long ago with Hester. Even as the novel comes to a close, Chillingworth does not let go of his iron grip he has on the poor Reverend Dimmsdale.”)

The essay includes examples about each of the main ideas. (“In contrast, it is easy to spot an immature person by his actions. A classic example of an immature person is the character of Roger Chillingworth in the highly acclaimed novel, The Scarlet Letter , by Nathaniel Hawthorne. Chillingworth shows his immaturity in his inability to let go of the past and continue forward in life. Rather than moving on, Chillingworth masquerades as a helpful and knowledgeable doctor whose real purpose is to torture the man who committed adultery long ago with Hester. Even as the novel comes to a close, Chillingworth does not let go of his iron grip he has on the poor Reverend Dimmsdale.”)

Organization

Very effective organization is conveyed in this essay. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, effective use of paragraphing, and effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“The wise Eleanor Roosevelt once said, ‘A mature person is one who does not think only in absolutes, who is able to be objective even when deeply stirred emotionally.’ Though there are many ways to define and measure maturity, Roosevelt’s description best

encaptures what ‘maturity’ really means. Two characteristics of a mature individual (reflected in Roosevelt's profoundly wise statement) are the characteristics of tolerance and sympathy, both highly regarded traits in our society- and for good reason. Though there are many ways in which a person can be mature, being tolerant and sympathetic are necessary to being considered enlightened.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“Yet, despite other things which might separate an immature person from a person who is mature, sympathy is the most deciding

factor. …In contrast, it is easy to spot an immature person by his actions.”)

The conclusion very effectively teaches readers a lesson. (“Eleanor Roosevelt said a mature person was one ‘who has learned that there is both good and bad in all people and all things,’ and this is a grand and universal truth.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in this essay is very effective. The writing demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience; well-structured and varied sentences are also present.

The language and tone are consistent in terms of sentence variety. (“One of the most unique qualities which distinguishes a person who is mature from one who is not is the quality of tolerance. There are people in the world who fail to see beyond their own ideologies and practices. Though these types of people may make good points and effectively argue for their causes, their approach is a blind one as they fail to understand or accept opposing views. Intolerant people are fearful and obviously not firm enough in their own beliefs to listen with compassion to those whose methods are not congruent. What difference is there between a stubborn child and an intolerant adult who sees the world through tunneled glasses?”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“Yet, despite other things which might separate an immature person from a person who is mature, sympathy is the most

deciding factor. Sympathy (as opposed to empathy) is defined as ‘A relationship or an affinity between people or things in which whatever affects one correspondingly affects the other’ (Webster's Dictionary). In layman's terms, it can be called pity or a ‘shared feeling’ between persons. Those unable recognize and attempt to aid those going through tribulations and trials are childish fools and cannot be considered mature people. …In contrast, it is easy to spot an immature person by his actions. A classic example of an immature person is the character of Roger Chillingworth in the highly acclaimed novel, The Scarlet Letter , by Nathaniel Hawthorne. Chillingworth shows his immaturity in his inability to let go of the past and continue forward in life. Rather than moving on, Chillingworth masquerades as a helpful and knowledgeable doctor whose real purpose is to torture the man who committed adultery long ago with Hester. Even as the novel comes to a close, Chillingworth does not let go of his iron grip he has on the poor Reverend Dimmsdale. He takes pride in his evil doings and laughs with an "unrelenting smile" at Hester's pitiful attempt to escape (Page 224).”)

The complex sentence, “Though there are many ways in which a person can be mature, being tolerant and sympathetic are necessary to being considered enlightened,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

Very effective control of mechanics and conventions is conveyed in this essay. Few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are present. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“There are people in the world who fail to see beyond their own ideologies and practices.”)

Model Essay

A mature person is a person who can deal with tough situations like an adult. Maturity comes as you age, and as you go through tough experiences. Knowing when to be serious and when to laugh are signs of maturity, but they don't make you mature. Most of your life before adulthood you are becoming more mature without even knowing it. Everyone in the world has their own unique perspective on what maturity really is. To me, being mature means a number of things, it means you know there is a time for everything, that you are able to take criticism and accept failure, and you are like what Elanor Roosevelt said "walks humbly and deals charitably."

If you often laugh or play around at funerals you are not mature because you are acting inappropriately for the situation you are in. Knowing when and where to do something is a big part of maturity. There is a time and place for everything and it takes a mature person to be able to understand what is appropriate at that time. If you were mature you would know it would be much safer staying away from a protest rather than arguing with many angry people. This doesn't mean mature people can never voice their opinion, it means a mature person knows the best time to voice your opinion and can do it peacefully.

When a person throws a temper tantrum because they did something wrong or because they are being told to change they are being immature. Realizing and accepting that you are not perfect is a big step in becoming mature. Any mature human will be able to tell you that absolutely nothing is perfect because everyone makes mistakes. Being able to learn from these mistakes is also a characteristic of being mature.To learn from these mistakes you must realize and accept that you messed up and then do your best to never repeat your mistakes. A mature person is on a highway going the same speed as all the other cars, which is above the speed limit, and is pulled over by a police officer and is given a speeding ticket. The person realizes that they weren't paying attention to their own speed and were going too fast and as a result he paid the ticket without arguing, and now the person always watches what he does and not what others are doing.

Nobody likes people who are self-centered and think the world revolves around them. These people need to realize there are other people who are just as important as them to be mature. I think humble people are mature because they arent overconfident, which leads to bragging and little effort. Being mature also involves realizing there are people in much worse situations than you and they need help. There are some kids who are lucky to have one meal a day and we take for granted that we can eat whenever we want. It is very mature to give food or money to those less fortunate than us because they deserve better than what they have. It doesn't matter how much or how little you give as long as you give with your heart and you really care about who you help.

Overall, the main characteristics of maturity are knowing when and where it is appropriate to do something, realizing and learning from your mistakes, being humble, and giving to the less fortunate. There is more to maturity than these qualities, but I feel they are the most important. Being mature makes you a better person in many ways. You will get along with people easier, you will help others, and more people will respect you.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are evident in this essay. The writer establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience, completing most parts of the task.

All of the details used in the essay relate to the controlling idea. (“When a person throws a temper tantrum because they did something wrong or because they are being told to change they are being immature.

Realizing and accepting that you are not perfect is a big step in becoming mature. Any mature human will be able to tell you that absolutely nothing is perfect because everyone makes mistakes. Being able to learn from these mistakes is also a characteristic of being mature.To learn from these mistakes you must realize and accept that you messed up and then do your best to never repeat your mistakes.”)

The language of the thesis fits the effective examples very well. (“To me, being mature means a number of things, it means you know there is a time for everything, that you are able to take criticism and accept

failure, and you are like what Elanor Roosevelt said ‘walks humbly and deals charitably.’”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about several characteristics of maturity: acting

appropriately, handling criticism, and acting humbly. (“Knowing when and where to do something is a big part of maturity. There is a time and place for everything and it takes a mature person to be able to understand what is appropriate at that time. …Realizing and accepting that you are not perfect is a big step in becoming mature. Any mature human will be able to tell you that absolutely nothing is perfect because everyone makes mistakes. Being able to learn from these mistakes is also a characteristic of being mature.

…I think humble people are mature because they arent overconfident, which leads to bragging and little effort. Being mature also involves realizing there are people in much worse situations than you and they need help.”)

Content & Development

This essay provides good content and development. Ideas are developed clearly, using sufficient appropriate details for support.

The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“When a person throws a temper tantrum because they did something wrong or because they are being told to change they are being immature. Realizing and accepting that you are not perfect is a big step in becoming mature. Any mature human will be able to tell you that absolutely nothing is perfect because everyone makes mistakes. Being able to learn from these mistakes is also a characteristic of being mature.To learn from these mistakes you must realize and accept that you messed up and then do your best to never repeat your mistakes. A mature person is on a highway going the same speed as all the other cars, which is above the speed limit, and is pulled over by a police officer and is given a speeding ticket. The person realizes that they weren't paying attention to their own speed and were going too fast and as a result he paid the ticket without arguing, and now the person always watches what he does and not what others

are doing.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“Nobody likes people who are self-centered and think the world revolves around them. These people need to realize there are other people who are just as important as them to be mature. I think humble people are mature because they arent overconfident, which leads to bragging and little effort. Being mature also involves realizing there are people in much worse situations than you and they need help. There are some kids who are lucky to have one meal a day and we take for granted that we can eat whenever we want. It is very mature to give food or money to those less fortunate than us because they deserve better than what they have. It doesn't matter how much or how little you give as long as you give with your heart and you really care about who you help.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“If you often laugh or play around at funerals you are not mature because you are acting inappropriately for the situation you are in. Knowing when and where to do something is a big part of maturity. There is a time and place for everything and it takes a mature person to be able to understand what is appropriate at that time. If you were mature you would know it would be much safer staying away from a protest rather than arguing with many angry people. This doesn't mean mature people can never voice their opinion, it means a mature person knows the best time to voice your opinion and can do it peacefully.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates good use of organization. A mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion is provided, and consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices is also seen.

The introduction ends with a good thesis statement. (“To me, being mature means a number of things, it means you know there is a time for everything, that you are able to take criticism and accept failure, and you are like what Elanor Roosevelt said ‘walks humbly and deals charitably.’”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“Overall, the main characteristics of maturity are knowing when and where it is appropriate to do something, realizing and learning from your mistakes, being humble, and giving to the less fortunate.”)

The conclusion effectively teaches readers a lesson. (“Being mature makes you a better person in many ways. You will get along with people easier, you will help others, and more people will respect you.”)

Language Use & Style

The language use and style presented in this essay are good. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. Well-structured sentences with some variety are also used.

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“Being mature also involves realizing there are people in much worse situations than you and they need help. There are some kids who are lucky to have one meal a day and we take for granted that we can eat whenever we want. It is very mature to give food or money to those less fortunate than us because they deserve better than what they have. It doesn't matter how much or how little you give as long as you give with your heart and you really care about who you help. …Overall, the main characteristics of maturity are knowing when and where it is appropriate to do something, realizing and learning from your mistakes, being humble, and giving to the less fortunate. There is more to maturity than these qualities, but I feel they are the most important. Being mature makes you a better person in many ways. You will get along with people easier, you will help others, and more people will respect you.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the first two body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“If you often laugh or play around at funerals you are not mature because you are acting inappropriately for the situation you are in. Knowing when and where to do something is a big part of maturity. There is a time and place for everything and it takes a mature person to be able to understand what is appropriate at that time. If you were mature you would know it would be much safer staying away from a protest rather than arguing with many angry people. This doesn't mean mature people can never voice their opinion, it means a mature person knows the best time to voice your opinion and can do it peacefully. …When a person throws a temper tantrum because they did something wrong or because they are being told to change they are being immature. Realizing and accepting that you are not perfect is a big step in becoming mature. Any mature human will be able to tell you that absolutely nothing is perfect because everyone makes mistakes. Being able to learn from these mistakes is also a characteristic of being mature.To learn from these mistakes you must realize and accept that you messed up and then do your best to never repeat your mistakes. A mature person is on a highway going the same speed as all the other cars, which is above the speed limit, and is pulled over by a police officer and is given a speeding ticket. The person realizes that they weren't paying attention to their own speed and were going too fast and as a result he paid the ticket without arguing, and now the person always watches what he does and not what others are doing.”)

The compound sentence, “Knowing when to be serious and when to laugh are signs of maturity, but they don't make you mature,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of the mechanics and conventions of writing is exhibited in this essay. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, most sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“Knowing when and where to do something is a big part of maturity. There is a time and place for everything and it takes a mature person to be able to understand what is appropriate at that time.”)

Model Essay

Growing towards maturity will be very different from your childhood. You will have to do a lot to be responsible. You cannot be dependent and don't take advantage of things that are good for you. Those are things an immature person would do. Being a mature person, at the beginning would be a difficult process, you will gain self-control, and you will have respectful.

Growing maturely can be a difficult process. It takes time, brings changes, and you have to have patience. The reason that it would take time is because it is something that you will have to get adjusted to it.

Bringing changes is also something that you will have to get adjusted to. Things like getting a job, paying bills, and even driving. Having patience in this new experience will kind of make it easy. Doing all these

things the right way, people will look at you from a different prospective. It will also look good on your resume for when you are trying to get a job.

Through this experience you will gain allot of self-control. That will lead you to being mature and also gain knowledge. Having self-control is a very big part of your life and you never need to have a bad temper.

Having self-control means you are very careful for what you do. Me personally, I think I have good self- control because I don't have a quick temper in most situations. I m very tranquil and laid back. My definition for self-control is self-esteem. I said that because it's all about you. No one else can make you get mad or mess up your life but you unless you let them. There are some people out there like that in real life. Most people see it on movies. That's why most of the time I stay to my self.

The word RESPECT is a big part of life. I have allot of respect for everybody. People always told me to never treat any one a way you don't want to be treated. That's why I do not disrespect anybody. Respect will get you very far in life. My respect goes towards my parents, my elders, and teachers. I love my parents very much and that's why I respect them all the time. I, myself respect my elders, but everyone should without being told.

In conclusion, everyone goes through some changes while maturing. Unfortunately some may not because there stuck in a little kid's mind. Im growing towards maturity and I know that there's something new that I will have to learn and I'm willing. Having patience and respect will sort of lead to a difficult process. All at the end, if you do everything right, it would be very easy.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning exhibited in this essay are adequate. The writer establishes a controlling idea and demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience while completing many parts of the task.

The thesis statement states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. (“Being a mature person, at the beginning would be a difficult process, you will gain self-control, and you will have respectful.”)

The essay understands the intended audience adequately. (“In conclusion, everyone goes through some changes while maturing. Unfortunately some may not because there stuck in a little kid's mind. Im growing towards maturity and I know that there's something new that I will have to learn and I'm willing. Having patience and respect will sort of lead to a difficult process. All at the end, if you do everything right, it would be very easy.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“Growing maturely can be a difficult process. It takes time, brings changes, and you have to have patience. The reason that it would take time is because it is something that you will have to get adjusted to it.

Bringing changes is also something that you will have to get adjusted to. Things like getting a job, paying bills, and even driving.”)

Content & Development

Content and development within this essay are adequate. Ideas are developed adequately, using sufficient details to support ideas.

The essay includes adequate details to illustrate main ideas. (“Growing maturely can be a difficult process. It takes time, brings changes, and you have to have patience. The reason that it would take time is because it is something that you will have to get adjusted to it. Bringing changes is also something that you will have to get adjusted to. Things like getting a job, paying bills, and even driving. Having patience in this new experience will kind of make it easy. Doing all these things the right way, people will look at you from a different prospective. It will also look good on your resume for when you are trying to get a job.”)

The main ideas of the first body paragraph support the thesis. (“Growing maturely can be a difficult process. It takes time, brings changes, and you have to have patience. The reason that it would take time is because it is something that you will have to get adjusted to it.”)

The essay includes facts, statistics, examples, and brief narratives or explanations about each of the main

ideas. (“Through this experience you will gain allot of self-control. That will lead you to being mature and also gain knowledge. Having self-control is a very big part of your life and you never need to have a bad temper. Having self-control means you are very careful for what you do. Me personally, I think I have good self-control because I don't have a quick temper in most situations. I m very tranquil and laid back. My definition for self-control is self-esteem. I said that because it's all about you. No one else can make you get mad or mess up your life but you unless you let them. There are some people out there like that in real life. Most people see it on movies. That's why most of the time I stay to my self.”)

Organization

Adequate organization is apparent in this essay. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, inconsistent use of paragraphing, and inconsistent use of transitional devices.

The introduction adequately includes a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“Being a mature person, at the beginning would be a difficult process, you will gain self-control, and you will have

respectful.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. (“In conclusion, everyone goes through some changes while maturing.”)

The conclusion adequately teaches the readers a lesson the writer learned after completing the essay. (“In conclusion, everyone goes through some changes while maturing. Unfortunately some may not because there stuck in a little kid's mind. Im growing towards maturity and I know that there's something new that I will have to learn and I'm willing. Having patience and respect will sort of lead to a difficult process. All at the end, if you do everything right, it would be very easy.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in this essay is adequate. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. Correct sentence structure with some variety is generally used.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“Through this experience you will gain allot of self- control. That will lead you to being mature and also gain knowledge. Having self-control is a very big part of your life and you never need to have a bad temper. Having self-control means you are very careful for what you do. Me personally, I think I have good self-control because I don't have a quick temper in most situations. I m very tranquil and laid back. My definition for self-control is self-esteem.”)

Exact and specific words, such as “growing” and “maturity” from the research and prompt task, are used

adequately. (“Im growing towards maturity and I know that there's something new that I will have to learn and I'm willing.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor; for example, the term “adjusted” is used twice within two consecutive sentences. (“The reason that it would take time is because it is something that you will have to get adjusted to it. Bringing changes is also something that you will have to get adjusted to.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Adequate control of mechanics and conventions is seen in this essay. Some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For

example, many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“Through this experience you will gain allot of self-control. That will lead you to being mature and also gain knowledge.”)

Model Essay

Maturity is the fine line between life and experience. Being mature provide manners to one's self and others, you have to give respect to get respect,. when you do that you show that you have respect for yourself and others. It's one who does not think only in absolutes. who is able to be objective even when deeply stirred emotionally, who has learned that their is both goods and bads in all people and all things, and who walks humbly and deals kindly. That handle situtations in adult ways. It's also when you can sense your concern for others out weighing your concern for yourself.

When you become mature you exsperience alot through life. I have accomplished becoming mature, and still is untill this day. I've accomplished by making life goals, and trying to maintain a job. I show lots of respect to people that respect me and even if they don't. Bein mature shows that you have manners and believe in your self to be successful.If you know that you could do things and be successful you make mature decisions in your life. I belive that "maturity comes with thoughts" that's what my mother always said and once you thinks constantly about your future and what you believes a head of you make mature decision.

In conclusion, what im trying to say is that maturity is an instance in one's life where childish thoughts and actions disappear. When you become an adult and look back at you as a child you'll see that what you've grown up to be is good if you are successful.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides limited focus and meaning. The writer establishes a controlling idea but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience and completes only some parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“When you become mature you exsperience alot through life. I have accomplished becoming mature, and still is untill this day. I've accomplished by making life goals, and trying to maintain a job. I show lots of respect to people that respect me and even if they don't. Bein mature shows that you have manners and believe in your self to be successful.If you know that you could do things and be successful you make mature decisions in your life. I belive that "maturity comes with thoughts" that's what my mother always said and once you thinks constantly about your future and what you believes a head of you make mature decision.”)

The essay states a limited controlling idea of the essay. (“Maturity is the fine line between life and experience. Being mature provide manners to one's self and others, you have to give respect to get respect,. when you do that you show that you have respect for yourself and others. It's one who does not think only in absolutes. who is able to be objective even when deeply stirred emotionally, who has learned that their is both goods and bads in all people and all things, and who walks humbly and deals kindly. That handle situtations in adult ways. It's also when you can sense your concern for others out weighing your concern for yourself.”)

The writing style is not always appropriate for the audience. (“In conclusion, what im trying to say is that maturity is an instance in one's life where childish thoughts and actions disappear. When you become an adult and look back at you as a child you'll see that what you've grown up to be is good if you are

successful.”)

Content & Development

Limited content and development are found in this essay. Ideas are developed briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details as support.

The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“When you become mature you exsperience alot through life. I have accomplished becoming mature, and still is untill this day. I've accomplished by making life goals, and trying to maintain a job. I show lots of respect to people that respect me and even if they don't. Bein mature shows that you have manners and believe in your self to be successful.If you know that you could do things and be successful you make mature decisions in your life. I belive that ‘maturity comes with thoughts’ that's what my mother always said and once you thinks

constantly about your future and what you believes a head of you make mature decision.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. (“When you become mature you exsperience alot through life. I have accomplished becoming mature, and still is untill this day. I've accomplished by making life goals, and trying to maintain a job. I show lots of respect to people that respect me and even if they don't. Bein mature shows that you have manners and believe in your self to be successful.If you know that you could do things and be successful you make mature decisions in your life. I belive that ‘maturity comes with thoughts’ that's what my mother always said and once you thinks

constantly about your future and what you believes a head of you make mature decision.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“When you become mature you exsperience alot through life. I have accomplished becoming mature, and still is untill this day. I've accomplished by making life goals, and trying to maintain a job. I show lots of respect to people that respect me and even if they don't. Bein mature shows that you have manners and believe in your self to be successful.If you know that you could do things and be successful you make mature

decisions in your life. I belive that ‘maturity comes with thoughts’ that's what my mother always said and once you thinks constantly about your future and what you believes a head of you make mature decision.”)

Organization

Limited organization is apparent within this essay. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion and lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices.

The introduction includes some background information about the topic. (“Maturity is the fine line between life and experience. Being mature provide manners to one's self and others, you have to give respect to get respect,. when you do that you show that you have respect for yourself and others. It's one who does not think only in absolutes. who is able to be objective even when deeply stirred emotionally, who has learned that their is both goods and bads in all people and all things, and who walks humbly and deals kindly. That handle situtations in adult ways. It's also when you can sense your concern for others out weighing your concern for yourself.”)

There is some evidence of transitional devices to help connect ideas. (“In conclusion, what im trying to say is that maturity is an instance in one's life where childish thoughts and actions disappear.”)

The conclusion attempts to leave the readers with something to think about. (“In conclusion, what im trying to say is that maturity is an instance in one's life where childish thoughts and actions disappear. When you become an adult and look back at you as a child you'll see that what you've grown up to be is good if you are successful.”)

Language Use & Style

Limited use of language and style is obvious to the readers of this essay. The writing demonstrates simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and a reliance on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“Being mature provide manners to one's self and others, you have to give respect to get respect,. when you do that you show that you have respect for yourself and others.”)

Exact words are missing. (“That handle situtations in adult ways.”)

The style is not formal. (“I show lots of respect to people that respect me and even if they don't. Bein mature shows that you have manners and believe in your self to be successful.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates a limited handle on the mechanics and conventions of formal writing. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message. The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“When you become mature you exsperience alot through life. I have accomplished becoming mature, and still is untill this day.”)

Model Essay

There a lot of things that makes an adult mature or act different. As soon as you turned 18 you feel like a different person or like a new person with a new life cause you get to do what ever you want. Older people act or think different that how they are mature. In the next few paragraphs I will talk about maturing in adults. The mature to act is understanding, honest, and also caring and there more.

Understanding is one of the mature qualities that how an adult acts. See adults need to have understanding cause they will need to pass to there young ones. Also adults need to understand how they need to act now cause they are older. Like if there son or daugther get in trouble they need to understand why they got into trouble not by yelling at them just a family talk.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Minimal focus and meaning are conveyed in this essay. A controlling idea is suggested, but the essay demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and completes few parts of the task.

In the introduction, the supporting idea of the essay is not stated. (“There a lot of things that makes an adult mature or act different. As soon as you turned 18 you feel like a different person or like a new person with a new life cause you get to do what ever you want. Older people act or think different that how they are mature. In the next few paragraphs I will talk about maturing in adults. The mature to act is understanding, honest, and also caring and there more.”)

In the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is not stated. (“There a lot of things that makes an adult mature or act different. As soon as you turned 18 you feel like a different person or like a new person with a new life cause you get to do what ever you want. Older people act or think different that how they are mature. In the next few paragraphs I will talk about maturing in adults. The mature to act is understanding, honest, and also caring and there more.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“Understanding is one of the mature qualities that how an adult acts. See adults need to have understanding cause they will need to pass to there young ones. Also adults need to understand how they need to act now cause they are older. Like if there son or daugther get in trouble they need to understand why they got into trouble not by yelling at them just a family talk.”)

Content & Development

Content and development within this essay are minimal. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support ideas.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. (“Understanding is one of the mature qualities that how an adult acts. See adults need to have understanding cause they will need to pass to there young ones. Also adults need to understand how they need to act now cause they are older. Like if there son or daugther get in trouble they need to understand why they got into trouble not by yelling at

them just a family talk.”)

The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“Understanding is one of the mature qualities that how an adult acts. See adults need to have understanding cause they will need to pass to there young ones. Also adults need to understand how they need to act now cause they are older. Like if there son or daugther get in trouble they need to understand why they got into trouble not by yelling at them just a family talk.”)

Details are used minimally to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Understanding is one of the mature qualities that how an adult acts. See adults need to have understanding cause they will need to pass to there young ones. Also adults need to understand how they need to act now cause they are older. Like if there son or daugther get in trouble they need to understand why they got into trouble not by yelling at them just a family talk.”)

Organization

Minimal organization in this essay is clear to the readers. It demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“There a lot of things that makes an adult mature or act different. As soon as you turned 18 you feel like a different person or like a new person with a new life cause you get to do what ever you want. Older people act or think different that how they are mature. In the next few paragraphs I will talk about maturing in adults. The mature to act is

understanding, honest, and also caring and there more.”)

There is little evidence of transitional devices to help connect ideas. (“Understanding is one of the mature qualities that how an adult acts. See adults need to have understanding cause they will need to pass to there young ones.”)

The essay does little to include a strong conclusion. (“Understanding is one of the mature qualities that how an adult acts. See adults need to have understanding cause they will need to pass to there young ones. Also adults need to understand how they need to act now cause they are older. Like if there son or daugther get in trouble they need to understand why they got into trouble not by yelling at them just a family talk.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style is minimal. This essay demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience. Basic errors in sentence structure and usage are also made.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“Older people act or think different that how they are mature.”)

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“Older people act or think different that how they are mature. In the next few paragraphs I will talk about maturing in adults.”)

The writer should use more varied and appropriate transitions. (“Understanding is one of the mature qualities that how an adult acts. See adults need to have understanding cause they will need to pass to there young ones. Also adults need to understand how they need to act now cause they are older. Like if there

son or daugther get in trouble they need to understand why they got into trouble not by yelling at them just a family talk.”)

The style is not formal. (“As soon as you turned 18 you feel like a different person or like a new person with a new life cause you get to do what ever you want.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Minimal control of mechanics and conventions is exhibited in this essay. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“Like if there son or daugther get in trouble they need to understand why they got into trouble not by yelling at them just a family talk.”)

Model Essay

In one point of our lifes us teen have to grow up. That means that we have to do more chores and not ask for things that we would ask when we were little. That really stinks for some teens. Most tens still act like if they were un middle school still.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay has inadequate focus and meaning. It fails to establish a controlling idea and demonstrates no understanding of purpose and audience; no parts of the task are completed.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“In one point of our lifes us teen have to grow up. That means that we have to do more chores and not ask for things that we would ask when we were little. That really stinks for some teens. Most tens still act like if they were un middle school still.”)

The writer does not state the controlling idea of the essay. (“In one point of our lifes us teen have to grow up. That means that we have to do more chores and not ask for things that we would ask when we were little. That really stinks for some teens. Most tens still act like if they were un middle school still.”)

In the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is not stated. (“In one point of our lifes us teen have to grow up. That means that we have to do more chores and not ask for things that we would ask when we were little. That really stinks for some teens. Most tens still act like if they were un middle school still.”)

Content & Development

This essay contains inadequate content and development. The writer fails to develop ideas, using no details for support.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the controlling idea of the essay. (“In one point of our lifes us teen have to grow up. That means that we have to do more chores and not ask for things that we would ask when we were little. That really stinks for some teens. Most tens still act like if they were un middle school

still.”)

At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. (“In one point of our lifes us teen have to grow up. That means that we have to do more chores and not ask for things that we would ask when we were little. That really stinks for some teens. Most tens still act like if they were un middle school still.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“In one point of our lifes us teen have to grow up. That means that we have to do more chores and not ask for things that we would ask when we were little. That really stinks for some teens. Most tens still act like if they were un middle school still.”)

Organization

This essay features inadequate organization. It demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion and no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a good introduction. (“In one point of our lifes us teen have to grow up. That means that we have to do more chores and not ask for things that we would ask when we were little. That really stinks for some teens. Most tens still act like if they were un middle school still.”)

Transitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“In one point of our lifes us teen have to grow up. That means that we have to do more chores and not ask for things that we would ask when we were little. That really stinks for some teens. Most tens still act like if they were un middle school still.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“In one point of our lifes us teen have to grow up. That means that we have to do more chores and not ask for things that we would ask when we were little. That really stinks for some teens. Most tens still act like if they were un middle school still.”)

Language Use & Style

Inadequate language use and style are presented in this brief essay. The writing demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“That really stinks for some teens. Most tens still act like if they were un middle school still.”)

The essay uses the same group of words to begin two consecutive sentences. (“That means that we have to do more chores and not ask for things that we would ask when we were little. That really stinks for some

teens.”)

The style is not formal. (“That really stinks for some teens.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Inadequate control of the mechanics and conventions of standard written English is apparent in this essay. Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“In one point of our lifes us teen have to grow up. That means that we have to do more chores and not ask for things that we would ask when we were little. That really stinks for some teens. Most tens still act like if they were un middle school

still.”)

As a student, you've always experienced a classroom from a student's perspective; however, imagine that you are now the teacher. You are in the middle of teaching the day's lesson, and you have a student who has been disrupting class with inappropriate behavior, such as talking out loud, throwing paper wads, walking around, and not participating with the rest of the class. As the teacher, how would you handle this situation? Would you give detention, send the student to the principal's office, or use some type of creative method to deal with the behavior? Are there classroom management strategies that might prevent situations like this from occurring?

In a detailed essay, discuss how you would deal with this situation. Describe the method or methods you would use to control this student's behavior and classroom management techniques which could prevent this type of behavior.

Model Essay

Everybody has been in a class where there is that one kid who is constantly disruptive. That kid is always walking around or throwing paper wads or just talking out loud. As a student, I have seen many teachers handle disruptive students in various ways. However, some of these methods are much more successful than others. If I were a teacher, I would handle disruptive students using several methods. My first step would be to gain superiority over the kids by proving that it is not okay to mess around in my class. I would also treat the students with kindness, because in order to be respected you have to show respect. If these strategies do not prevent future misbehaviors from happening, then when the kids do behave badly, I will send them out of my class or give them detention. By following through with this plan, I would be enforcing zero-tolerance for disruptions, thus creating a friendlier learning environment.

There is a happy medium between being a teacher that is a complete pushover and being a teacher that is so strict that everyone dreads coming to their class. If I were a teacher, I would start out being slightly harsher than I might normally be. This way, the kids learn right away that my class is not the place for mischievous behavior. I have actually witnessed this tactic work for one of my former teachers. The first few weeks of school, students did not like her at all. However, nobody was ever disruptive in that class and she soon became our favorite teacher. Although I am typically a pleasant and vivacious person, by acting like an unyielding teacher, I would come off as a no-nonsense kind of person. When the students understand this, I can ease off of the unkindness and have a much more successful learning environment. Doing this at the beginning of the year allows a student's first impression of me to be one that discourages them from ever disturbing my class.

Nobody takes pleasure in going to class where the teacher is not enjoyable. Nor do students appreciate it when they go to a class early for help and end up being ignored or rudely told to figure it out on their own. Over the many years that are spent at school, most people experience an offensive teacher like this. These teachers are, in turn, disliked by the majority of the students and the students tend to enjoy bothering and disrupting their class. If I were a teacher, I would solve this problem by simply respecting the kids. A person cannot gain respect if they do not show respect towards others. If kids come to me for help, I would not turn them away or ignore them, but rather, I would give them the help they desire. Simply commenting on how nice they look or what a great job they did in the basketball game can be enough to get the kids to appreciate you as a teacher. The students are less likely to cause trouble for the teachers that they are fond of versus those that really seem to not care about their interactions with the student. While this technique is also not a way to handle a disruptive student, it is a perfect method to prevent any bad behavior from even beginning to happen.

Teachers that use the previously mentioned routines are usually very successful and lack misbehaving students. There are, however, those few kids that no matter what the teachers do, they still act out and are completely disrespectful. When students behave in such horrid ways, the teachers do need to have a backup plan involving punishments. By the time kids reach high school, they have gone through years of probably minor punishments; such as losing a recess or being forced to sit in the front of the class. These forms of punishment are pointless because most kids are not too upset over that loss of privileges. Students in high school are expected to listen to and respect their teachers which many of them do not do. These students are older and are supposedly more mature. Therefore, the punishments should be more severe. If I were a high school teacher, I would not tolerate any form of disrespect; whether it be through verbal abuse towards another student or throwing things across the classroom. If I have already told the kid to stop the disruptive behavior and he or she has not discontinued being obnoxious, my first step would be to give them detention. If the student decides to continue the behavior, I would move on to much harsher consequences such as removing the student from my class. The first time they need to be removed, it would be for just that class period, but if the activities carry on, I would have the student permanently removed from my class. While these punishments may sound very insensitive, the students, after seeing these consequences take action on another kid, will more than likely quit whatever disruptive behavior they take part in. An added bonus to this punishment is the fact that students will be fiercely discouraged from upsetting my class ever again.

In practically every class at school, some kid decides to interrupt the class with obnoxious noises or inappropriate talking. By now, the teachers are well accustomed to dealing with these disruptive students. Many of their methods for controlling behavior do not work very well, and as a result, the students continue to misbehave. If I were a teacher, I would do all that I could to prevent this behavior from starting in the first place. For the first few weeks of school, I would be strict and make sure that everybody knows that I am not one to be messed with. My second step would be to gain respect among the students by being friendly and offering assistance. If these plans fail and the kids are still troublesome, then I would proceed to take action by enforcing serious punishments, including the possible removal from my class. By maintaining this sturdy framework of guidelines in my class, on how to handle disruptive students, I would be able to dispose of all unruly behavior and provide a welcoming atmosphere in my classroom.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience. He/she effectively completes all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task. Notably, the writer leaves readers with a clear picture of successful classroom management strategies.

The essay’s introduction focuses the readers’ attention very effectively by discussing student behavior and suggesting methods for controlling it. (“Everybody has been in a class where there is that one kid who is constantly disruptive. That kid is always walking around or throwing paper wads or just talking out loud. As a student, I have seen many teachers handle disruptive students in various ways. However, some of these methods are much more successful than others. If I were a teacher, I would handle disruptive students using several methods. My first step would be to gain superiority over the kids by proving that it is not okay to mess around in my class. I would also treat the students with kindness, because in order to be respected you have to show respect. If these strategies do not prevent future misbehaviors from happening, then when the kids do behave badly, I will send them out of my class or give them detention. By following through with this plan, I would be enforcing zero-tolerance for disruptions, thus creating a friendlier learning environment.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“If I were a teacher, I would handle disruptive students using several methods. My first step would be to gain superiority over the kids by proving that it is not okay to mess around in my class. I would also treat the students with kindness, because in order to be respected you have to show respect. If these strategies do not prevent future misbehaviors from happening, then when the kids do behave badly, I will send them out of my class or give them detention.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. (“Although I am typically a pleasant and vivacious person, by acting like an unyielding teacher, I would come off as a no- nonsense kind of person. When the students understand this, I can ease off of the unkindness and have a much more successful learning environment. Doing this at the beginning of the year allows a student's first impression of me to be one that discourages them from ever disturbing my class.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully, using a wide variety of appropriate details for support.

Specific information about the characters (the teacher and the class) is developed very effectively. (“There is a happy medium between being a teacher that is a complete pushover and being a teacher that is so strict that everyone dreads coming to their class. If I were a teacher, I would start out being slightly harsher than I might normally be. This way, the kids learn right away that my class is not the place for mischievous behavior. I have actually witnessed this tactic work for one of my former teachers. The first few weeks of school, students did not like her at all. However, nobody was ever disruptive in that class and she soon became our favorite teacher. Although I am typically a pleasant and vivacious person, by acting like an unyielding teacher, I would come off as a no-nonsense kind of person. When the students understand this, I can ease off of the unkindness and have a much more successful learning environment. Doing this at the beginning of the year allows a student's first impression of me to be one that discourages them from ever disturbing my class.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (“Nobody takes pleasure in going to class where the teacher is not enjoyable. Nor do students appreciate it when they go to a class early for help and end up being ignored or rudely told to figure it out on their own. Over the many years that are spent at school, most people experience an offensive teacher like this. These teachers are, in turn, disliked by the majority of the students and the students tend to enjoy bothering and disrupting their class. If I were a teacher, I would solve this problem by simply respecting the kids. A person cannot gain respect if they do not show respect towards others. If kids come to me for help, I would not turn them away or ignore them, but rather, I would give them the help they desire. Simply commenting on how nice they look or what a great job they did in the basketball game can be enough to get the kids to appreciate you as a teacher. The students are less likely to cause trouble for the teachers that they are fond of versus those that really seem to not care about their interactions with the student. While this technique is also not a way to handle a disruptive student, it is a perfect method to prevent any bad behavior from even beginning to happen.”)

Relevant points are used very effectively to explain and illustrate how the writer would handle students who continue to exhibit disruptive behavior. (“Students in high school are expected to listen to and respect their teachers which many of them do not do. These students are older and are supposedly more mature.

Therefore, the punishments should be more severe. If I were a high school teacher, I would not tolerate any form of disrespect; whether it be through verbal abuse towards another student or throwing things across the classroom. If I have already told the kid to stop the disruptive behavior and he or she has not discontinued being obnoxious, my first step would be to give them detention. If the student decides to continue the behavior, I would move on to much harsher consequences such as removing the student from my class. The first time they need to be removed, it would be for just that class period, but if the activities carry on, I would have the student permanently removed from my class.”)

Organization

The writer effectively captures the readers’ attention in the introduction by relating the topic of the essay to every reader’s experience as a student. (“Everybody has been in a class where there is that one kid who is

constantly disruptive. That kid is always walking around or throwing paper wads or just talking out loud. As a student, I have seen many teachers handle disruptive students in various ways. However, some of these methods are much more successful than others. If I were a teacher, I would handle disruptive students using several methods. My first step would be to gain superiority over the kids by proving that it is not okay to mess around in my class. I would also treat the students with kindness, because in order to be respected you have to show respect. If these strategies do not prevent future misbehaviors from happening, then when the kids do behave badly, I will send them out of my class or give them detention. By following through with this plan, I would be enforcing zero-tolerance for disruptions, thus creating a friendlier learning environment.”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect ideas within paragraphs and between sentences. (“Teachers that use the previously mentioned routines are usually very successful and lack misbehaving students. There are, however, those few kids that no matter what the teachers do, they still act out and are completely disrespectful. When students behave in such horrid ways, the teachers do need to have a backup plan involving punishments. By the time kids reach high school, they have gone through years of probably minor punishments; such as losing a recess or being forced to sit in the front of the class. These forms of punishment are pointless because most kids are not too upset over that loss of privileges.”)

The writer includes an ending in the essay that reviews his/her strategies for managing classroom behavior, and he/she provides readers with a sense of closure. (“In practically every class at school, some kid decides to interrupt the class with obnoxious noises or inappropriate talking. By now, the teachers are well accustomed to dealing with these disruptive students. Many of their methods for controlling behavior do not work very well, and as a result, the students continue to misbehave. If I were a teacher, I would do all that I could to prevent this behavior from starting in the first place. For the first few weeks of school, I would be strict and make sure that everybody knows that I am not one to be messed with. My second step would be to gain respect among the students by being friendly and offering assistance. If these plans fail and the kids are still troublesome, then I would proceed to take action by enforcing serious punishments, including the possible removal from my class. By maintaining this sturdy framework of guidelines in my class, on how to handle disruptive students, I would be able to dispose of all unruly behavior and provide a welcoming atmosphere in my classroom.”)

Language Use & Style

adds to the effectiveness of the writer’s essay.

The writer chooses descriptive words to effectively describe the students’ misbehavior and the teacher’s proposed consequences. (“If I were a high school teacher, I would not tolerate any form of disrespect; whether it be through verbal abuse towards another student or throwing things across the classroom. If I have already told the kid to stop the disruptive behavior and he or she has not discontinued being obnoxious, my first step would be to give them detention. If the student decides to continue the behavior, I would move on to much harsher consequences such as removing the student from my class. The first time they need to be removed, it would be for just that class period, but if the activities carry on, I would have the student permanently removed from my class. While these punishments may sound very insensitive, the students, after seeing these consequences take action on another kid, will more than likely quit whatever disruptive behavior they take part in. An added bonus to this punishment is the fact that students will be fiercely discouraged from upsetting my class ever again.”)

essay. (“If I were a teacher, I would do all that I could to prevent this behavior from starting in the first place. For the first few weeks of school, I would be strict and make sure that everybody knows that I am not one to be messed with. My second step would be to gain respect among the students by being friendly and offering assistance. If these plans fail and the kids are still troublesome, then I would proceed to take action by enforcing serious punishments, including the possible removal from my class. By maintaining

this sturdy framework of guidelines in my class, on how to handle disruptive students, I would be able to dispose of all unruly behavior and provide a welcoming atmosphere in my classroom.”)

The writer uses an excellent variety of sentence structures throughout the essay. (“If I were a teacher, I would start out being slightly harsher than I might normally be. This way, the kids learn right away that my class is not the place for mischievous behavior. I have actually witnessed this tactic work for one of my former teachers. The first few weeks of school, students did not like her at all. However, nobody was ever disruptive in that class and she soon became our favorite teacher. Although I am typically a pleasant and vivacious person, by acting like an unyielding teacher, I would come off as a no-nonsense kind of person. When the students understand this, I can ease off of the unkindness and have a much more successful learning environment.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and words are spelled correctly. (“If I were a teacher, I would solve this problem by simply respecting the kids. A person cannot gain respect if they do not show respect towards others. If kids come to me for help, I would not turn them away or ignore them, but rather, I would give them the help they desire. Simply commenting on how nice they look or what a great job they did in the basketball game can be enough to get the kids to appreciate you as a teacher.”)

Model Essay

When students are acting up, there are plenty of different ways to handle them. Each teacher has their own separate way of keeping their classroom under control. The most effective way of keeping children from acting up is to use harsh punishments, try to put the children in your shoes, or just make sure they know that you are the superior. There are many students that need hard discipline, but then there are others who just need a helping hand. Most of the disruptive children have deeper lying issues than simply seeking attention. If I were to be teacher, harsh punishments would be put into action.

If a student is misbehaving or disrupting the classroom environment, teachers should take extreme measures. They can either send them to detention to have them out of the class, but sometimes that's not all it takes for them to stop their bad behavior. It truly depends on which student is doing the disrupting. For some students detention will work, but for others, more drastic measures need to be taken. Keeping them after or before school is a fair punishment and has a lasting effect because the students are losing valuable time that they could be spending with their friends or sleeping, Also it gives the teacher time to talk to the disruptive student and try to help them if they are having issues simply deeper than feeling the need for attention.

Seeing through the teacher's eyes helps to put the teacher's perspective into view for the students. Students who look at their problem through a teacher's eyes might get a better look at their situation. For one day, the teacher should act like a student and let the most disruptive student be the teacher for the day. The teacher should be just as disruptive as the student normally is. The student would get frustrated with the disruptive teacher and finally see how the disruptiveness is annoying. After the day of the student being the teacher, the student would probably be more behaved in class, which also would have an effect on the other students. They would hopefully learn from the student's example. Teachers have a difficult time controlling outrageous students, and putting them in their shoes helps to give them their perspective.

Students sometimes get so comfortable with a teacher that they start to lose sight of the fact that the teacher is their superior. Teachers can be students' friends, but they should still be respected. When the students get

too comfortable, they feel the need to not may attention in class because they think that, since the teacher is such their good friend, they can get away with anything. The teachers should hold a position of power, yet still be sympathetic towards the students. The teachers should find a happy balance between the two. This will help create a good atmosphere in the classroom and help maintain control of the students. Being a student's friend is important to the teachers, they just need to maintain a high level of respect from the students.

Students' disruptive behavior might be due to more complicated issues than having the need for attention. Teachers need to always have a handle on the classroom and all the students at all times. Harsh punishments are the only way to achieve this control. By letting the children step into your situation for a while helps them see from your perspective, having a positive effect. There needs to be a balance between the student-teacher friendship after school and their classroom friendship. Students need to know their place in the classroom, ultimately creating a positive, controlled atmosphere.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay’s introduction focuses the readers’ attention on students, teachers, and classroom control.

(“When students are acting up, there are plenty of different ways to handle them. Each teacher has their own separate way of keeping their classroom under control. The most effective way of keeping children from acting up is to use harsh punishments, try to put the children in your shoes, or just make sure they know that you are the superior. There are many students that need hard discipline, but then there are others who just need a helping hand. Most of the disruptive children have deeper lying issues than simply seeking attention. If I were to be teacher, harsh punishments would be put into action.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very well. (“The most effective way of keeping children from acting up is to use harsh punishments, try to put the children in your shoes, or just make sure they know that you are the superior.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. (“If a student is misbehaving or disrupting the classroom environment, teachers should take extreme measures. They can either send them to detention to have them out of the class, but sometimes that's not all it takes for them to stop their bad behavior. It truly depends on which student is doing the disrupting.”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient and appropriate details for support.

The content in the body of the paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain the main idea. (“Seeing through the teacher's eyes helps to put the teacher's perspective into view for the students. Students who look at their problem through a teacher's eyes might get a better look at their situation. For one day, the teacher should act like a student and let the most disruptive student be the teacher for the day. The teacher should be just as disruptive as the student normally is. The student would get frustrated with the disruptive teacher and finally see how the disruptiveness is annoying. After the day of the student being the teacher, the student would probably be more behaved in class, which also would have an effect on the other students. They would hopefully learn from the student's example. Teachers have a difficult time controlling outrageous students, and putting them in their shoes helps to give them their perspective.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea in the topic sentence.

(“Students sometimes get so comfortable with a teacher that they start to lose sight of the fact that the teacher is their superior. Teachers can be students' friends, but they should still be respected. When the

students get too comfortable, they feel the need to not may attention in class because they think that, since the teacher is such their good friend, they can get away with anything. The teachers should hold a position of power, yet still be sympathetic towards the students. The teachers should find a happy balance between the two. This will help create a good atmosphere in the classroom and help maintain control of the students. Being a student's friend is important to the teachers, they just need to maintain a high level of respect from the students.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“If a student is misbehaving or disrupting the classroom environment, teachers should take extreme measures. They can either send them to detention to have them out of the class, but sometimes that's not all it takes for them to stop their bad behavior. It truly depends on which student is doing the disrupting. For some students detention will work, but for others, more drastic measures need to be taken. Keeping them after or before school is a fair punishment and has a lasting effect because the students are losing valuable time that they could be spending with their friends or sleeping, Also it gives the teacher time to talk to the disruptive student and try to help them if they are having issues simply deeper than feeling the need for attention.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates an effective introduction that previews the writer’s main points and introduces the central/controlling idea. (“When students are acting up, there are plenty of different ways to handle them. Each teacher has their own separate way of keeping their classroom under control. The most effective way of keeping children from acting up is to use harsh punishments, try to put the children in your shoes, or just make sure they know that you are the superior. There are many students that need hard discipline, but then there are others who just need a helping hand. Most of the disruptive children have deeper lying issues than simply seeking attention. If I were to be teacher, harsh punishments would be put into action.”)

Although transitions between sentences are subtle, the writer needs to use transitions between paragraphs to more effectively connect his/her ideas. (“For one day, the teacher should act like a student and let the most disruptive student be the teacher for the day. The teacher should be just as disruptive as the student normally is. The student would get frustrated with the disruptive teacher and finally see how the disruptiveness is annoying. After the day of the student being the teacher, the student would probably be more behaved in class, which also would have an effect on the other students. They would hopefully learn from the student's example.”)

The essay’s conclusion provides the readers with closure and summarizes the main points. (“Students' disruptive behavior might be due to more complicated issues than having the need for attention. Teachers need to always have a handle on the classroom and all the students at all times. Harsh punishments are the only way to achieve this control. By letting the children step into your situation for a while helps them see from your perspective, having a positive effect. There needs to be a balance between the student-teacher friendship after school and their classroom friendship. Students need to know their place in the classroom, ultimately creating a positive, controlled atmosphere.”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent. (“The teachers should hold a position of power, yet still be sympathetic towards the students. The teachers should find a happy balance between the two. This will help create a good atmosphere in the classroom and help maintain control of the students. Being a student's friend is important to the teachers, they just need to maintain a high level of respect from the students.”)

essay. (“They can either send them to detention to have them out of the class, but sometimes that's not all it takes for them to stop their bad behavior. It truly depends on which student is doing the disrupting. For some students detention will work, but for others, more drastic measures need to be taken. Keeping them after or before school is a fair punishment and has a lasting effect because the students are losing valuable time that they could be spending with their friends or sleeping, Also it gives the teacher time to talk to the disruptive student and try to help them if they are having issues simply deeper than feeling the need for attention.”)

The writer employs good word choice to describe teacher-student relationships and classroom management techniques. (“Harsh punishments are the only way to achieve this control. By letting the children step into your situation for a while helps them see from your perspective, having a positive effect. There needs to be a balance between the student-teacher friendship after school and their classroom friendship. Students need to know their place in the classroom, ultimately creating a positive, controlled atmosphere.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all capitalization and punctuation is appropriate, all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all words are used and spelled correctly, and all new paragraphs are indicated with line breaks. (“Keeping them after or before school is a fair punishment and has a lasting effect because the students are losing valuable time that they could be spending with their friends or sleeping, Also it gives the teacher time to talk to the disruptive student and try to help them if they are having issues simply deeper than feeling the need for attention.”)

Model Essay

Students who mess around want attention from other students, they like feeling cool so they can raise popularity with other classmates, and they like showing that they don't care so the other students in the class think he/she is really a cool person. It would be my job as a teacher to make them care and pass the class. If they don't care then I'm not doing my job. I would have to show strict discipline so they can understand why paying attention in class and caring about the work will benefit them and pass the year, so they can be with their friends next year in the next grade. I think the punishments I would use would be double detention, in school suspension and calling their parents as soon as possible.

When a student causes a lot of trouble in the class, my first strict punishment would be calling their parents. A parent doesn't like to be disrupted at home or at work to hear that their lovely son/daughter is showing disruptive behavior in class. They feel disappointed in them and probably a punishment is involved at home. A punishment given from their parents will disappoint the child and most likely cause them to change their behavior so they won't get in trouble again. I best believe that calling their parents would be level one punishment because it's not that serious and it doesn't go on the student's record.

To me in my opinion getting double detention is really bad. I wouldn't want to go two days in a row after school writing stuff on a paper. I never had detention before so I'm really not sure how bad it is but what I've been told, I wouldn't even want to be close to one. It sounds really boring, it wastes an hour of your day and cause its double detention it wastes and hour of two days. A student who gets double detention should feel really mad and annoyed cause detention is boring and nobody really wants to stay after school for

nothing especially a teenager. Double detention is a really good punishment to teach the student to behave and show respect during class so they don't get double detention again.

In school suspension for the whole day could be the worst punishment of all for dealing with disruptive behavior. Suspended the whole day from school is terrible. You have to work all day without taking breaks or else you probably would get another suspension day. This punishment would be my last one because there's nothing worse than staying all day in school alone doing work. If a student refuses to obey my commands or disrupts the classroom to the point I, the teacher could not handle it no more; school suspension would be the only way to deal with this behavior. I wouldn't like to give a student suspension because suspension could possibly be the worst punishment out there but if it's the only way to teach the student a lesson then I guess it must be done.

Having a punishment is every student's nightmare. No student likes to get in trouble that will make them do work, stay after school or dealing with parents when they get home. That's just how teenagers are, they don't like being punished or disappointing others. If that's the only way to teach them a lesson I guess there's nothing we can do about it. It's their responsibility to listen and behave like it's our responsibility to teach them morals and respect even if we have to punish them. Calling their parents would teach a lesson because no parent would let them slide. Double detention would ruin their plans after school so they can teach them a lesson that if they keep misbehaving their going to keep coming after school to stay in room after school for an hour doing work. In school suspension would make a student really annoyed because their staying in a room all day from periods 1-9 doing work that truly is a serious punishment.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The thesis statement presents the controlling idea of the essay and the point of view of the writer

adequately. (“I think the punishments I would use would be double detention, in school suspension and calling their parents as soon as possible.”)

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The writer is devoted to informing the readers

about how he/she would approach a teacher’s discipline issues in the classroom. (“It would be my job as a teacher to make them care and pass the class. If they don't care then I'm not doing my job. I would have to show strict discipline so they can understand why paying attention in class and caring about the work will benefit them and pass the year, so they can be with their friends next year in the next grade.”)

The writer maintains the focus throughout the essay by explaining the reasons for assigning specific punishments and the probable results of his/her strategies. (“They feel disappointed in them and probably a punishment is involved at home. A punishment given from their parents will disappoint the child and most likely cause them to change their behavior so they won't get in trouble again. I best believe that calling their parents would be level one punishment because it's not that serious and it doesn't go on the student's

record.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support.

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. Providing more specific details would enhance the writer’s descriptions of “double detention.” (“To me in my opinion getting double detention is really bad. I wouldn't want to go two days in a row after school writing stuff on a paper. I never had detention before so I'm really not sure how bad it is but what I've been told, I wouldn't even want to be close to one. It sounds really boring, it wastes an hour of your day and cause its

double detention it wastes and hour of two days. A student who gets double detention should feel really mad and annoyed cause detention is boring and nobody really wants to stay after school for nothing especially a teenager. Double detention is a really good punishment to teach the student to behave and show respect during class so they don't get double detention again.”)

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“In school suspension for the whole day could be the worst punishment of all for dealing with disruptive behavior. Suspended the whole day from school is terrible. You have to work all day without taking breaks or else you probably would get another suspension day. This punishment would be my last one because there's nothing worse than staying all day in school alone doing work. If a student refuses to obey my commands or disrupts the classroom to the point I, the teacher could not handle it no more; school suspension would be the only way to deal with this behavior. I wouldn't like to give a student suspension because suspension could possibly be the worst punishment out there but if it's the only way to teach the student a lesson then I guess it must be done.”)

The writer provides anecdotal examples that are relevant. (“When a student causes a lot of trouble in the class, my first strict punishment would be calling their parents. A parent doesn't like to be disrupted at home or at work to hear that their lovely son/daughter is showing disruptive behavior in class. They feel disappointed in them and probably a punishment is involved at home. A punishment given from their parents will disappoint the child and most likely cause them to change their behavior so they won't get in trouble again. I best believe that calling their parents would be level one punishment because it's not that serious and it doesn't go on the student's record.”)

Organization

There is adequate organization in the essay. The writer provides an interesting opening to the essay that keeps the readers reading. The essay generally flows smoothly from one idea to another with subtle transitions to support sequential development.

The beginning of the essay demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by explaining why students misbehave in class. This description sets the scene for the writer’s viewpoint as the teacher. (“Students who mess around want attention from other students, they like feeling cool so they can raise popularity with other classmates, and they like showing that they don't care so the other students in the class think he/she is really a cool person. It would be my job as a teacher to make them care and pass the class. If they don't care then I'm not doing my job. I would have to show strict discipline so they can understand why paying attention in class and caring about the work will benefit them and pass the year, so they can be with their friends next year in the next grade. I think the punishments I would use would be double detention, in school suspension and calling their parents as soon as possible.”)

Subtle transitions are used to connect ideas. The writer should incorporate more transitions to connect the ideas in a more meaningful way. (“When a student causes a lot of trouble in the class, my first strict punishment would be calling their parents. A parent doesn't like to be disrupted at home or at work to hear that their lovely son/daughter is showing disruptive behavior in class.”)

The conclusion summarizes the main points of the essay and leaves the readers with a sense of closure.

(“Having a punishment is every student's nightmare. No student likes to get in trouble that will make them do work, stay after school or dealing with parents when they get home. That's just how teenagers are, they don't like being punished or disappointing others. If that's the only way to teach them a lesson I guess there's nothing we can do about it. It's their responsibility to listen and behave like it's our responsibility to teach them morals and respect even if we have to punish them. Calling their parents would teach a lesson because no parent would let them slide. Double detention would ruin their plans after school so they can teach them a lesson that if they keep misbehaving their going to keep coming after school to stay in room after school for an hour doing work. In school suspension would make a student really annoyed because their staying in a room all day from periods 1-9 doing work that truly is a serious punishment.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the essay. (“It would be my job as a teacher to make them care and pass the class. If they don't care then I'm not doing my job. I would have to show strict discipline so they can understand why paying attention in class and caring about the work will benefit them and pass the year, so they can be with their friends next year in the next grade. I think the punishments I would use would be double detention, in school suspension and calling their

parents as soon as possible.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the essay. He/she provides language that

adequately describes an “in-school suspension” to the intended audience. (“In school suspension for the whole day could be the worst punishment of all for dealing with disruptive behavior. Suspended the whole day from school is terrible. You have to work all day without taking breaks or else you probably would get another suspension day. This punishment would be my last one because there's nothing worse than staying all day in school alone doing work.”)

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“If that's the only way to teach them a lesson I guess there's nothing we can do about it. It's their responsibility to listen and behave like it's our responsibility to teach them morals and respect even if we have to punish them. Calling their parents would teach a lesson because no parent would let them slide.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure that sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have subject-verb agreement, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, words are spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs are indicated with line breaks. (“If a student refuses to obey my commands or disrupts the classroom to the point I, the teacher could not handle it no more; school suspension would be the only way to deal with this behavior. I wouldn't like to give a student suspension because suspension could possibly be the worst punishment out there but if it's the only way to teach the student a lesson then I guess it must be done.”)

Model Essay

If i was a teacher and had students that don't behave , then i will give them a warning , call home, and a referral/detention and the students will behave better in class and disrupt less.

First, I would give the students a warning if he/she repeatedly disrupts class. If im teaching and students are taking notes and one student is disturbing everybody then that student will get a warning if he first starts disturbing class. At my school, some of the teachers give warning to other students that disrupts the whole entire classroom. I can relate to this when my friend in math kept talking and looking behind his seat when we was not suppose to but got a warning and later on stopped talking and looking back. I think the teachers should give warning's because if you they don't then a whole bunch of students would have referrals.

Second, if students have been warned and continues to disrupt class even more. Then i would call the students home and tell his/her parents of what they do in class and tell them that next time its going to be a

referral or detention. At school, my friend has been warned last time and then he disrupt class even more so later that day, the teacher called home and he was grounded and couldn't hang out with him. I think giving out phone calls is right thing to do because the students would think twice before doing something that there not suppose to do.

Finally, if the student keeps disrupting class and has been warned, had a call home then the student leaves me no choice to give him a referral or detention. The student will think twice next time and make better choices before he/she goes disrupting class. One time in school, my teacher gave a student a referral because he had not done what the teacher told him to do during class. I think that giving referrals' is not what a teacher likes to do but they have to do to do things right.

In Conclusion, if students wouldn't behave in class then first i would give a warning, second a call home, and finally a referral/detention to make the student behave more in class.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the essay. The writer establishes a limited controlling idea and demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she provides limited descriptions and details that may not give the readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Only some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The writer reveals the controlling idea in the beginning of the essay. (“If i was a teacher and had students that don't behave , then i will give them a warning , call home, and a referral/detention and the students will behave better in class and disrupt less.”)

The writer maintains a limited focus. The writer focuses on classroom disruption, but the descriptions provided rely on a student’s perspective instead of the teacher’s point of view. (“At my school, some of the teachers give warning to other students that disrupts the whole entire classroom. I can relate to this when my friend in math kept talking and looking behind his seat when we was not suppose to but got a warning

and later on stopped talking and looking back.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the essay and should include more meaningful examples to illustrate the management strategies the writer would use in the classroom as the teacher. Describing the incident in the first person would help the readers visualize how the writer would respond to a disruptive student. (“Finally, if the student keeps disrupting class and has been warned, had a call home then the student leaves me no choice to give him a referral or detention. The student will think twice next time and make better choices before he/she goes disrupting class. One time in school, my teacher gave a student a

referral because he had not done what the teacher told him to do during class. I think that giving referrals' is not what a teacher likes to do but they have to do to do things right.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support.

The writer uses limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“First, I would give the students a warning if he/she repeatedly disrupts class. If im teaching and students are taking notes and one student is disturbing everybody then that student will get a warning if he first starts disturbing class. At my school, some of the teachers give warning to other students that disrupts the whole entire classroom. I can relate to this when my friend in math kept talking and looking behind his seat when we was not suppose to but got a warning and later on stopped talking and looking back. I think the teachers should give warning's because if you

they don't then a whole bunch of students would have referrals.”)

The explanations and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“Second, if students have been warned and continues to disrupt class even more. Then i would call the students home

and tell his/her parents of what they do in class and tell them that next time its going to be a referral or detention. At school, my friend has been warned last time and then he disrupt class even more so later that day, the teacher called home and he was grounded and couldn't hang out with him. I think giving out phone calls is right thing to do because the students would think twice before doing something that there not suppose to do.”)

The writer needs to include more specific and relevant points that illustrate the teacher/student interactions in the classroom. (“Finally, if the student keeps disrupting class and has been warned, had a call home then the student leaves me no choice to give him a referral or detention. The student will think twice next time and make better choices before he/she goes disrupting class. One time in school, my teacher gave a student a referral because he had not done what the teacher told him to do during class. I think that giving referrals' is not what a teacher likes to do but they have to do to do things right.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a limited introduction. The writer discloses the thesis statement/controlling idea, but there is no attempt to capture the readers’ attention. (“If i was a teacher and had students that don't behave , then i will give them a warning , call home, and a referral/detention and the students will behave better in class and disrupt less.”)

The writer utilizes simple transitions between paragraphs. Stronger transitions within paragraphs and between sentences are needed to enhance the flow of the writer’s ideas. (“First, I would give the students a warning if he/she repeatedly disrupts class. If im teaching and students are taking notes and one student is disturbing everybody then that student will get a warning if he first starts disturbing class. At my school, some of the teachers give warning to other students that disrupts the whole entire classroom.”)

Although the conclusion of the essay briefly summarizes the writer’s methods for managing student behavior, it does not leave readers with a sense of completeness. (“In Conclusion, if students wouldn't behave in class then first i would give a warning, second a call home, and finally a referral/detention to make the student behave more in class.”)

Language Use & Style

The sentences are too informal and the word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively

communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“I can relate to this when my friend in math kept talking and looking behind his seat when we was not suppose to but got a warning and later on stopped talking and looking back. I think the teachers should give warning's because if you they don't then a whole bunch of students would have referrals.”)

Some sentences in the essay contain fragments, and others include long, awkward sentence structures. (“Second, if students have been warned and continues to disrupt class even more. Then i would call the

students home and tell his/her parents of what they do in class and tell them that next time its going to be a referral or detention. At school, my friend has been warned last time and then he disrupt class even more so later that day, the teacher called home and he was grounded and couldn't hang out with him.”)

The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the essay more interesting to the intended audience. (“The student will think twice next time and make better choices before he/she goes

disrupting class. One time in school, my teacher gave a student a referral because he had not done what the teacher told him to do during class.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should begin each sentence with a capital letter, make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, check for the correct spelling of words, ensure proper usage of words within the context of sentences, and indicate new paragraphs with line breaks. (“If im teaching and students are taking notes and one student is disturbing everybody then that student will get a warning if he first starts disturbing class. At my school, some of the teachers give warning to other students that disrupts the whole entire classroom.”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

If i were the teacher in a with class behavior problem, I would manage the classroom by using some management strategies. Some choices for managing my classroom would be to send students to office,send to detention, or call parents. Sent to GASP, suspend from scholl, do your work in class room. Close your mouth and NO talking in my class.

I would control to students NO talking, NO phones, NO ipod, NO cameras, NO games, if you throwing the paper, i will sent you to principal. If you had behavior problem, then come talking to me.I will help you to sovle with that. If all students had bad behavior in class. I will get mad.

I give you 2 chance ONLY 2 chance. If you have worst bad behavior, I will sent you to detentionor GASP, maybe call your call your parents. If you walking around in my class.

Rest participation with the rest of the classroom. I would rest of my class and students is good behavior I give the plus pass and give a candy.

If you talking loud. If you fight with someonethen come tell me. I'll help you to solve problem. If you still fight with someone Then I will kick you out for school for suspend.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay includes a central/controlling idea, but the writer misses the opportunity to elaborate on the selected behavior management strategies. Providing more details at every turn in the essay would create a richly textured message that would give the readers a clear picture of a teacher’s response to specific

behaviors. (“If i were the teacher in a with class behavior problem, I would manage the classroom by using some management strategies. Some choices for managing my classroom would be to send students to office,send to detention, or call parents. Sent to GASP, suspend from scholl, do your work in class room.”)

The writer does not maintain the essay’s focus sufficiently to give the readers a true sense of the

consequences being described. The writer’s message confuses class rules with how a teacher handles

student behavior. (“I would control to students NO talking, NO phones, NO ipod, NO cameras, NO games, if you throwing the paper, i will sent you to principal. If you had behavior problem, then come talking to me.I will help you to sovle with that.”)

The writer’s details are minimally focused on a teacher’s response in the classroom. (“If all students had bad behavior in class. I will get mad.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s thesis statement. (“I give you 2 chance ONLY 2 chance. If you have worst bad behavior, I will sent you to detentionor GASP, maybe call your call your parents. If you walking around in my class.”)

Details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. The writer should include details such as examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations that give the readers a clear picture of how the teacher would reward students who are behaving responsibly. (“Rest participation with the rest of the classroom. I would rest of my class and students is good behavior I give the plus pass and give a candy.”)

In the brief essay, the writer does not develop main ideas in separate body paragraphs. (“If you talking loud. If you fight with someonethen come tell me. I'll help you to solve problem. If you still fight with someone Then I will kick you out for school for suspend.”)

Organization

The essay’s organization is minimal as well. The writer provides an opening that minimally reveals the purpose of the prompt task. The essay lacks effective transitional devices and paragraphing. Furthermore, the essay demonstrates little evidence of a strong ending.

The essay does not effectively grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“If i were the teacher in a with class behavior problem, I would manage the classroom by using some management strategies. Some choices for managing my classroom would be to send students to office,send to detention, or call parents. Sent to GASP, suspend from scholl, do your work in class room. Close your mouth and NO talking in my class.”)

There is little evidence of transitional devices to help connect the ideas. (“I give you 2 chance ONLY 2 chance. If you have worst bad behavior, I will sent you to detentionor GASP, maybe call your call your parents. If you walking around in my class.”)

The writer does little to include a strong conclusion. (“If you talking loud. If you fight with someonethen come tell me. I'll help you to solve problem. If you still fight with someone Then I will kick you out for school for suspend.”)

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, sentence structures are repetitious and, in some cases, fragmented. (“I would control to students NO talking, NO phones, NO ipod, NO cameras, NO games, if you throwing the paper, i will

sent you to principal. If you had behavior problem, then come talking to me.I will help you to sovle with that. If all students had bad behavior in class.”)

Exact words are missing, which can affect meaning and confuse the readers. (“Rest participation with the rest of the classroom. I would rest of my class and students is good behavior I give the plus pass and give a candy.”)

The writer relies on simple word choices. (“I give you 2 chance ONLY 2 chance. If you have worst bad behavior, I will sent you to detentionor GASP, maybe call your call your parents. If you walking around in my class.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized essay. (“If you talking loud. If you fight with someonethen come tell me. I'll help you to solve problem. If you still fight with someone Then I will kick you out for school for suspend.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

I would just send him down to the office and then have him or her handle the problem and then figure out what is going on. and then that is all what I would do because then that would cause less problems. and make it so that I can have a good and easier life and then in that cause what that would do becasue that can make my job eaiser. because it willl and then in that cause my time my job will be eaiser and then we willl be able to do a lot of things like that and so in that case.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer does not state a central/controlling idea that identifies a teacher’s perspective on how to handle misbehavior in the classroom. The writer begins giving details before identifying the purpose of the essay. (“I would just send him down to the office and then have him or her handle the problem and then figure out what is going on.”)

The essay does not illustrate the writer’s understanding of the prompt task because it does not include relevant details that focus on methods of classroom management. (“and then that is all what I would do because then that would cause less problems.”)

The essay’s lack of focus on a teacher’s interactions with students renders the writer’s message ineffective and incomplete. (“and make it so that I can have a good and easier life and then in that cause what that would do becasue that can make my job eaiser.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer neglects to develop ideas, using little or no details for support.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“because it willl and then in that cause my time my job will be eaiser and then we willl be able to do a lot of things like that and so in that case.”)

In the one-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs. At least three main ideas should be included as evidence. (“I would just send him down to the office and then have him or her handle the problem and then figure out what is going on. and then that is all what I would do because then that would cause less problems. and make it so that I can have a good and easier life and then in that cause what that would do becasue that can make my job eaiser. because it willl and then in that cause my time my job will be eaiser and then we willl be able to do a lot of things like that and so in that case.”)

Details are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Details could include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations to bring the writer’s ideas to life. (“I would just send him down to the office and then have him or her handle the problem and then figure out what is going on.”)

Organization

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“I would just send him down to the office and then have him or her handle the problem and then figure out what is going on.”)

Effective transitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“and make it so that I can have a good and easier life and then in that cause what that would do becasue that can make my job eaiser.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“because it willl and then in that cause my time my job will be eaiser and then we willl be able to do a lot of things like that and so in that case.”)

Language Use & Style

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s meaning to the intended

audience. (“I would just send him down to the office and then have him or her handle the problem and then figure out what is going on.”)

Sentence structures are fragmented and awkward. (“and make it so that I can have a good and easier life and then in that cause what that would do becasue that can make my job eaiser.”)

The writer relies on simple word choices. (“because it willl and then in that cause my time my job will be eaiser and then we willl be able to do a lot of things like that and so in that case.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure that the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas. The essay is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“I would just send him down to the office and then have him or her handle the problem and then figure out what is going on. and then that is all what I would do because then that would cause less problems. and make it so that I can have a good and easier life and then in that cause what that would do becasue that can make my job eaiser. because it willl and then in that cause my time my job will be eaiser and then we willl be able to do a lot of things like that and so in that

case.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

We experience many types of relationships with our family and friends during our lifetimes. Some of these relationships survive over the years, while others deteriorate. What qualities are important to learn and develop in order to sustain healthy, lasting relationships?

In a well-developed essay, discuss those qualities that you feel contribute to a healthy relationship. Support your answer with specific details or examples from your own experience or reading.

Model Essay

Success in every human activity eventually seems to boil down to relationships. They are the keys to progressing in the world and becoming successful. With them, anyone can root themselves where they are with unyielding relationships to keep them grounded. As children, most people grow up with strong family relationships, friendships, and personal relationships. Once someone becomes an adult, the relationships he has composed and lessons gained from mistakes are put to the test in order for one to reach his capability. Relationships lie at the junction of our cultural understanding and construction and consequently, each of these components influences one another in more ways we can imagine. Language is perhaps the most pertinent tool in communications, as we may infer to the semantics of each lexicon in the language to understand language as a component on its own. But this is neither the only nor the foremost element of importance in communication due to the complex process by which culture and communication influence each other. The principle keys that build a lasting relationship are communication, honesty, and trust.

What is communication? The dictionary defines it as just sending and receiving messages, but it is far greater than that. In today's world, not one person can honestly say he has never communicated. It has been so since the creation of man, who used illustrations on walls to describe their surroundings. Communication is the transmission of information from one person to another and their understanding of it through the use of common language or symbols. It is a way of interacting and happens always at all times whether people want it to happen or not. However, just because someone transmits a message, it does not presuppose that communication happens. Without both information and understanding on the part of the other person, communication does not occur. The efficiency at which someone communicates will determine the level of happiness and success in his life. Without communication, there is no progression. With lasting relationships, communication is what starts it all. As the communication in a relationship becomes more than just a transaction of thoughts, the relationship thrives. When someone begins to wholeheartedly tell another person how he feels and what he is going through, it means that the relationship has gotten stronger. When the bond becomes stronger, the people involved begin to speak honestly.

The only way a relationship grows is through being honest. If a person in a relationship repeatedly lies to the other person in a relationship, the bond becomes immobile. When someone cannot trust another person, he doesn’t want to be around them or have anything to do with them. This is because people will only speak honestly if they know the other person is being honest with them. For example, the relationship between the boss and the employee constantly requires honesty in order for the relationship to survive. If the employee lies to the boss, the boss has to fire the employee because they can't rely on the employee anymore. This is the same if the boss lies because the employee would quit if they know that their boss is lying to their face. When people speak honestly and do not hide anything, their relationship develops trust.

The crucial and most important part of a working relationship is trust. This is because trust defines everything that a relationship must have: reliability, dependence, credulity, and conviction. Trust not only keeps a relationship alive but also takes it a step further than a good relationship. A person that has complete trust in someone else assumes the other will show loyalty and help them when they need it. They have to know that the other person will be there when they need them at any time whatsoever. It is more

than reliance because people have to not only rely on each other but also keep the other in check even when it is hard to do so. In a parent and child relationship, the parent must trust his child in order for him to go out with friends or go by himself anywhere. It is also the child's trust in his parent that she will always be there for him, protect him, and defend him. When a relationship develops a large amount of trust, the bond is so strong that even the greatest of challenges doesn't break the impenetrable link between them.

When a relationship has communication, honesty, and trust, it becomes a true and faithful connection between people. It not only has loyalty and dependability but also humility and reliance. Once anyone learns how to create a relationship like this, there are limitless possibilities ahead. Relationships are found at home, work, and school and thousands of other places. Without them, there would be no productivity, progress, or development of anything in the entire world.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates effective focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea, demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes all parts of the task, even going beyond the limits of the task.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by very effectively using a question or an engaging statement in the beginning of the introduction. (“Success in every human activity eventually seems to boil down to relationships. They are the keys to progressing in the world and becoming successful. With them, anyone can root themselves where they are with unyielding relationships to keep them grounded.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central idea very effectively. (“The only way a relationship grows is through being honest. If a person in a relationship repeatedly lies to the other person in a

relationship, the bond becomes immobile. When someone cannot trust another person, he doesn’t want to be around them or have anything to do with them. This is because people will only speak honestly if they know the other person is being honest with them. For example, the relationship between the boss and the employee constantly requires honesty in order for the relationship to survive. …The crucial and most important part of a working relationship is trust. This is because trust defines everything that a relationship must have: reliability, dependence, credulity, and conviction. Trust not only keeps a relationship alive but also takes it a step further than a good relationship. A person that has complete trust in someone else

assumes the other will show loyalty and help them when they need it.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“The principle keys that build a lasting relationship are communication, honesty, and trust.”)

Content & Development

Content and development seen within the essay are very effective. Ideas are developed fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details for support.

The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“The crucial and most important part of a working relationship is trust. This is because trust defines everything that a relationship must have: reliability, dependence, credulity, and conviction. Trust not only keeps a relationship alive but also takes it a step further than a good relationship. A person that has complete trust in someone else assumes the other will show loyalty and help them when they need it. They have to know that the other person will be there when they need them at any time whatsoever. It is more than reliance because people have to not only rely on each other but also keep the other in check even when it is hard to do so. In a parent and child relationship, the parent must trust his child in order for him to go out with friends or go by himself anywhere. It is also the child's trust in his parent that she will always be there for him, protect him, and defend him. When a relationship develops a large amount of trust, the bond is so

strong that even the greatest of challenges doesn't break the impenetrable link between them.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph develop the main idea of the topic sentence very effectively. (“The only way a relationship grows is through being honest. If a person in a relationship repeatedly lies to the other person in a relationship, the bond becomes immobile. When someone cannot trust another person, he doesn’t want to be around them or have anything to do with them. This is because people will only speak honestly if they know the other person is being honest with them. For example, the relationship between the boss and the employee constantly requires honesty in order for the relationship to survive. If the employee lies to the boss, the boss has to fire the employee because they can't rely on the employee anymore. This is the same if the boss lies because the employee would quit if they know that their boss is lying to their face. When people speak honestly and do not hide anything, their relationship develops

trust.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (“The only way a relationship grows is through being honest. If a person in a relationship repeatedly lies to the other person in a relationship, the bond becomes immobile. When someone cannot trust another person, he doesn’t want to be around them or have anything to do with them. This is because people will only speak honestly if they know the other person is being honest with them. For example, the relationship between the boss and the employee constantly requires honesty in order for the relationship to survive. If the employee lies to the boss, the boss has to fire the employee because they can't rely on the employee anymore. This is the same if the boss lies because the employee would quit if they know that their boss is lying to their face. When people speak honestly and do not hide anything, their relationship develops trust.”)

Organization

Very effective organization is apparent throughout this essay. The piece demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, effective use of paragraphing, and effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“Success in every human activity eventually seems to boil down to relationships.”)

The introduction ends with a very effective thesis statement. (“The principle keys that build a lasting relationship are communication, honesty, and trust.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“However, just because someone transmits a message, it does not presuppose that communication happens. …For example, the relationship between the boss and the employee constantly requires honesty in order for the relationship to survive.”)

The conclusion summarizes the main points of the essay very effectively. (“When a relationship has communication, honesty, and trust, it becomes a true and faithful connection between people. It not only has loyalty and dependability but also humility and reliance. Once anyone learns how to create a relationship like this, there are limitless possibilities ahead. Relationships are found at home, work, and school and thousands of other places. Without them, there would be no productivity, progress, or

development of anything in the entire world.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer of the essay utilizes very effective use of language and style. The writing demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, a clear sense of audience, and well-structured and varied sentences.

The language and tone are consistent. (“What is communication? The dictionary defines it as just sending and receiving messages, but it is far greater than that. In today's world, not one person can honestly say he has never communicated. It has been so since the creation of man, who used illustrations on walls to

describe their surroundings. Communication is the transmission of information from one person to another and their understanding of it through the use of common language or symbols. It is a way of interacting and happens always at all times whether people want it to happen or not. However, just because someone transmits a message, it does not presuppose that communication happens. Without both information and understanding on the part of the other person, communication does not occur. The efficiency at which someone communicates will determine the level of happiness and success in his life. Without communication, there is no progression. With lasting relationships, communication is what starts it all. As the communication in a relationship becomes more than just a transaction of thoughts, the relationship thrives. When someone begins to wholeheartedly tell another person how he feels and what he is going through, it means that the relationship has gotten stronger. When the bond becomes stronger, the people

involved begin to speak honestly.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the second and third body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the thesis statement of the essay.

(“The only way a relationship grows is through being honest. If a person in a relationship repeatedly lies to the other person in a relationship, the bond becomes immobile. When someone cannot trust another person, he doesn’t want to be around them or have anything to do with them. This is because people will only speak honestly if they know the other person is being honest with them. For example, the relationship between the boss and the employee constantly requires honesty in order for the relationship to survive. If the employee lies to the boss, the boss has to fire the employee because they can't rely on the employee anymore. This is the same if the boss lies because the employee would quit if they know that their boss is lying to their face. When people speak honestly and do not hide anything, their relationship develops trust.

…The crucial and most important part of a working relationship is trust. This is because trust defines everything that a relationship must have: reliability, dependence, credulity, and conviction. Trust not only keeps a relationship alive but also takes it a step further than a good relationship. A person that has complete trust in someone else assumes the other will show loyalty and help them when they need it. They have to know that the other person will be there when they need them at any time whatsoever. It is more than reliance because people have to not only rely on each other but also keep the other in check even when it is hard to do so. In a parent and child relationship, the parent must trust his child in order for him to go out with friends or go by himself anywhere. It is also the child's trust in his parent that she will always be there for him, protect him, and defend him. When a relationship develops a large amount of trust, the bond is so strong that even the greatest of challenges doesn't break the impenetrable link between them.”)

The following compound sentence is used effectively: “The dictionary defines it as just sending and receiving messages, but it is far greater than that.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay clearly conveys very effective control of mechanics and conventions. Few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are detected. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“For example, the relationship between the boss and the employee constantly requires honesty in order for the relationship to survive.”)

Model Essay

While growing up, I examined the complications and good qualities of my family and friends. I was a child who enjoyed watching the way that people got along and how they handled and over came their issues. For example, watching my parents fight every day until they divorced taught me that there are so many crutial factors that are needed to support a healthy relationship. I would also watch the kids at school to examine the way they shared their toys or the way they would take turns using a certain item. Without all of the

important factors necessary for a strong relationship, there can be no relationship. There are two extremely important factors which lead to happiness in relationships; Communications and trust.

Communication is being open with ones own thoughts, beliefs, problems and opinions. Two people cannot be happy together unless they discuss the issues or decisions with one another. For example, if a couple is looking for a house and the man ventures out one day and buys a house without his wives consent there would probably be a conflict. There should be a sense of openness with one another whether it be between friends, spouses, or family members such as cousins. One climax in my life which taught me to communicate with others was when I lost one of my best friends to a devastating car accident. I never told her just how much she meant to me and what a great deal I treasured our friendship, then before I got the chance she was gone never knowing how I felt about her.

Another great factor essential for a healthy relationship is trust. Many high school and college age girls get very jealous when their boyfriends go out to places where there are other girls because they are insecure of themselves but also because they do not trust the men they are with. If there is no trust in a relationship there will be fights, insecurities, and even the possibilities of cheating. True love and frienship means trusting one another with every incidence that takes place.

Honesty is an important factor in relationships with any one who passes through your life. Whether it be your best friend, mother or father, sister or brother, girlfriend or boyfriend or something more honesty is important to make one another and yourself feel secure about your relationship with the other person. Any person who holds a consciense within themself should feel bad about lying to another person, especially if it is a large matter of which they are lying about. Honesty also closely relates with trust. For example, if a person is not honest and lies to the other person about something and that person finds out the truth, the relationship may then be missing the trust factor of their relationship.

All of these factors; trust, honesty and communication are all essential for a good relationship with any one. I believe that if two people really care for each other then they should be able to express their feelings to one another in an open and honest way. People should not hold back their feelings in any way shape or form. If a relationship is dealt with in this manner, it will last a long time and be healthy and strong. This will make both or all in the relationship happy and it will make the people who are around or involved in the relationship happy as well.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning can be found in the essay. The writer establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience, while completing most parts of the task.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by using an interesting/engaging statement in the beginning of the introduction. (“While growing up, I examined the complications and good qualities of my family and

friends. I was a child who enjoyed watching the way that people got along and how they handled and over came their issues. For example, watching my parents fight every day until they divorced taught me that there are so many crutial factors that are needed to support a healthy relationship.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central idea, which regards communication and trust as being two key components to a healthy relationship. (“Communication is being open with ones own thoughts, beliefs, problems and opinions. Two people cannot be happy together unless they discuss the

issues or decisions with one another. For example, if a couple is looking for a house and the man ventures out one day and buys a house without his wives consent there would probably be a conflict. … Another great factor essential for a healthy relationship is trust. Many high school and college age girls get very jealous when their boyfriends go out to places where there are other girls because they are insecure of themselves but also because they do not trust the men they are with. …Honesty is an important factor in relationships with any one who passes through your life. Whether it be your best friend, mother or father,

sister or brother, girlfriend or boyfriend or something more honesty is important to make one another and yourself feel secure about your relationship with the other person.”)

The language of the thesis fits the effective examples very well. (“There are two extremely important factors which lead to happiness in relationships; Communications and trust.”)

Content & Development

Good content and development are apparent to the readers of this essay. Ideas are developed clearly, using sufficient appropriate details to support ideas.

The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“Communication is being open with ones own thoughts, beliefs, problems and opinions. Two people cannot be happy together unless they discuss the issues or decisions with one another. For example, if a couple is looking for a house and the man ventures out one day and buys a house without his wives consent there would probably be a conflict. There should be a sense of openness with one another whether it be between friends, spouses, or family members such as cousins. One climax in my life which taught me to communicate with others was when I lost one of my best friends to a devastating car accident. I never told Katie just how much she meant to me and what a great deal I treasured our friendship, then before I got the chance she was gone never knowing how I felt about her.”)

The details included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of each topic sentence. (“Another great factor essential for a healthy relationship is trust. Many high school and college age girls get very jealous when their boyfriends go out to places where there are other girls because they are insecure of themselves but also because they do not trust the men they are with. If there is no trust in a relationship there will be fights, insecurities, and even the possibilities of cheating. True love and frienship means

trusting one another with every incidence that takes place.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“Honesty is an important factor in relationships with any one who passes through your life. Whether it be your best friend, mother or father, sister or brother, girlfriend or boyfriend or something more honesty is important to make one another and yourself feel secure about your relationship with the other person. Any person who holds a consciense within themself should feel bad about lying to another person, especially if it is a large matter of which they are lying about. Honesty also closely relates with trust. For example, if a person is not honest and lies to the other person about something and that person finds out the truth, the relationship may then be missing the trust factor of their relationship.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates good use of organization. The writing demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and consistent use of transitional devices.

The introduction ends with a good thesis statement. (“There are two extremely important factors which lead to happiness in relationships; Communications and trust.”)

The introduction includes adequate background information about the topic. (“While growing up, I examined the complications and good qualities of my family and friends. I was a child who enjoyed watching the way that people got along and how they handled and over came their issues. For example, watching my parents fight every day until they divorced taught me that there are so many crutial factors that are needed to support a healthy relationship. I would also watch the kids at school to examine the way they shared their toys or the way they would take turns using a certain item. Without all of the important factors necessary for a strong relationship, there can be no relationship. There are two extremely important factors which lead to happiness in relationships; Communications and trust.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“Another great factor essential for a healthy relationship is trust. … For example, if a person is not honest and lies to the other person about something and that person finds out the truth, the relationship may then be missing the trust factor of their relationship.”)

The conclusion summarizes the main points of the essay well. (“All of these factors; trust, honesty and communication are all essential for a good relationship with any one. I believe that if two people really care for each other then they should be able to express their feelings to one another in an open and honest way. People should not hold back their feelings in any way shape or form. If a relationship is dealt with in this manner, it will last a long time and be healthy and strong. This will make both or all in the relationship happy and it will make the people who are around or involved in the relationship happy as well.”)

Language Use & Style

Good use of language and style is found in this essay. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; well-structured sentences with some variety are also used.

The language and tone are consistent. (“Another great factor essential for a healthy relationship is trust. Many high school and college age girls get very jealous when their boyfriends go out to places where there are other girls because they are insecure of themselves but also because they do not trust the men they are with. If there is no trust in a relationship there will be fights, insecurities, and even the possibilities of

cheating. True love and frienship means trusting one another with every incidence that takes place.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the first two body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the thesis statement of the essay.

(“Communication is being open with ones own thoughts, beliefs, problems and opinions. Two people cannot be happy together unless they discuss the issues or decisions with one another. For example, if a couple is looking for a house and the man ventures out one day and buys a house without his wives consent there would probably be a conflict. There should be a sense of openness with one another whether it be between friends, spouses, or family members such as cousins. One climax in my life which taught me to communicate with others was when I lost one of my best friends, Katie Burke to a devastating car accident.

I never told Katie just how much she meant to me and what a great deal I treasured our friendship, then before I got the chance she was gone never knowing how I felt about her. …Another great factor essential for a healthy relationship is trust. Many high school and college age girls get very jealous when their boyfriends go out to places where there are other girls because they are insecure of themselves but also because they do not trust the men they are with. If there is no trust in a relationship there will be fights,

insecurities, and even the possibilities of cheating. True love and frienship means trusting one another with every incidence that takes place.”)

The following complex sentence is used effectively: “Without all of the important factors necessary for a strong relationship, there can be no relationship.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates a good grasp on the mechanics and conventions of formal writing. A few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling do not interfere with the message. For example, most sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation

mark. (“This will make both or all in the relationship happy and it will make the people who are around or involved in the relationship happy as well.”)

Model Essay

There are many concepts to having a healthy relationship. You need the following things: love, trust, honesty, loyalty, and respect. In life we learn that without one of these the relationship turns in to drama and chaos. Say you have all of these but honesty and your wife is good but is hiding stuff from you about what she has been doing that made her late coming home from work. All these go together like a rhythm that makes life easier and a good life for both people. The qualities I just explain make a long lasting happy relationship.

Now for the first that makes the healthy relationship a happy one. Love is a main quality because it shows that both people care for one another and will always be there for the other. Love is just a word that has something to do with hormones that are feelings for someone else that you see to have a relationship with. To me I think love is the most important quality but it still needs the other ones to go together in a flow.

Trust is a big one and is no just given to you easily. Some people get it easily and takes advantages of it and for other people have to earn it by being there all of the time and sooner or later gains it from their counterpart. Honesty, just like the others are important to a healthy relationship. You should be able to tell your girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife/soul mate the truth and never hide anything because if you don't and that person finds out then you will start to lose trust and start to split apart slowly.

Loyalty and respect are the last qualities to make a relationship a healthy one. Loyalty means that you should never cheat or try to cover something up. Without loyalty then you can be cheating on your counterpart with some else and you can go from a healthy relationship to an unhealthy relationship. Then there is respect which is important to every woman in a relationship. You can love, be trusted and give loyalty but without respect there is no point. To respect another person's body and mind is hard but to keep trying helps a lot.

So in the end all of these qualities help build a healthy long relationship and it could be so long that the couple could start a family. Just without one of these will make it hard to do and keep unto the other person you care about so much. This is what you need to make it work and last to make your and the other life happy. These five quantities go as one to make it all work.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Focus and meaning within the essay are adequate. The writer establishes a controlling idea, demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes many parts of the task.

The thesis statement states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. (“There are many concepts to having a healthy relationship. You need the following things: love, trust, honesty, loyalty, and respect.”)

The essay understands the intended audience adequately. (“Loyalty and respect are the last qualities to make a relationship a healthy one. Loyalty means that you should never cheat or try to cover something up. Without loyalty then you can be cheating on your counterpart with some else and you can go from a healthy relationship to an unhealthy relationship. Then there is respect which is important to every woman in a relationship. You can love, be trusted and give loyalty but without respect there is no point. To respect another person's body and mind is hard but to keep trying helps a lot.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“Loyalty and respect are the last qualities to make a relationship a healthy one.”)

Content & Development

Adequate content and development are evident to the readers of this essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support.

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Trust is a big one and is no just given to you easily. Some people get it easily and takes advantages of it and for other people have to earn it by being there all of the time and sooner or later gains it from their counterpart. Honesty, just like the others are important to a healthy relationship. You should be able to tell your girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife/soul mate the truth and never hide anything because if you don't and that person finds out then you will start to lose trust and start to split apart slowly.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs support the thesis. (“Loyalty and respect are the last qualities to make a relationship a healthy one. Loyalty means that you should never cheat or try to cover something up. Without loyalty then you can be cheating on your counterpart with some else and you can go from a healthy relationship to an unhealthy relationship. Then there is respect which is important to every woman in a relationship. You can love, be trusted and give loyalty but without respect there is no point. To respect another person's body and mind is hard but to keep trying helps a lot.”)

The essay includes explanations about each of the main ideas. (“Trust is a big one and is no just given to you easily. Some people get it easily and takes advantages of it and for other people have to earn it by being there all of the time and sooner or later gains it from their counterpart. Honesty, just like the others are important to a healthy relationship. You should be able to tell your girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife/soul mate the truth and never hide anything because if you don't and that person finds out then you will start to lose trust and start to split apart slowly.”)

Organization

Adequate organization is apparent in the essay. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, inconsistent use of paragraphing, and inconsistent use of transitional devices.

The introduction includes adequate background information about the topic. (“There are many concepts to having a healthy relationship. You need the following things: love, trust, honesty, loyalty, and respect. In life we learn that without one of these the relationship turns in to drama and chaos. Say you have all of these but honesty and your wife is good but is hiding stuff from you about what she has been doing that made her late coming home from work. All these go together like a rhythm that makes life easier and a good life for both people. The qualities I just explain make a long lasting happy relationship.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. (“Now for the first that makes the healthy relationship a happy one. …So in the end all of these qualities help build a healthy long

relationship and it could be so long that the couple could start a family.”)

The conclusion adequately summarizes the main points of the essay. (“So in the end all of these qualities help build a healthy long relationship and it could be so long that the couple could start a family. Just without one of these will make it hard to do and keep unto the other person you care about so much. This is what you need to make it work and last to make your and the other life happy. These five quantities go as one to make it all work.”)

Language Use & Style

Adequate language use and style are seen in the writing sample. The essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer also generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“Loyalty and respect are the last qualities to make a relationship a healthy one. Loyalty means that you should never cheat or try to cover something up.

Without loyalty then you can be cheating on your counterpart with some else and you can go from a healthy relationship to an unhealthy relationship. Then there is respect which is important to every woman in a relationship. You can love, be trusted and give loyalty but without respect there is no point. To respect another person's body and mind is hard but to keep trying helps a lot.”)

Exact and specific words, such as “healthy” and “relationship” from the prompt task, are used adequately. (“There are many concepts to having a healthy relationship.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor, such as “good” and “stuff” demonstrated by the following example: “Say you have all of these but honesty and your wife is good but is hiding stuff from you about what she has been doing that made her late coming home from work.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates adequate control of the use of mechanics and conventions in standard written English. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“Love is just a word that has something to do with hormones that are feelings for someone else that you see to have a relationship

with.”)

Model Essay

I have a very good and healthy relationship with my mother. Some things we do to have a healthy relationship is we listen to each other. I listen to my mother when she has a problem with one of the family members or needs some help with things she cant do. I always come to my mother when i'm in some sort of trouble. I can come to her when i have a nightmare. I know it sounds childish but in my mothers eyes i'm still her little girl and she will always be my mother. Thats how strong my relationship is with my mother. We listen to eachother when the other has to be heared. My mother is worried about me. she dosent want me to leave her. if you have a good healthy relationship with your parents, then you can understand where im going with this. If you dont then i can explain. If you have a good healthy relationship with your parents then they will worrie about you and youll be in their heads often.

To keep a good and healthy relationship going you need to understand that person well enough. You have to patient and not controlling. Listen to what the other has to say.Dont just see their lips moving actually listen. You cant just have a relationship you also have to maintain the relationship. Dont become a dictator make it a democracy. By that i mean dont overrull the person you have the relationship with. let them have a say in whatever the subject or question.

To know you have good healthy relationship you must also have grerat big feeling the main feeling im talking about is love. To know you have love is to find that you have a relationship where your not manipulative. You have obtain what the other needs.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay is written with a limited focus and meaning. The writer establishes a controlling idea, but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience; only some parts of the task are completed.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“I have a very good and healthy relationship with my mother. Some things we do to have a healthy relationship is we listen to each other. I listen to my mother when she has a problem with one of the family members or needs some help with things she cant do. I always come to my mother when i'm in some sort of trouble. I can come to her when i have a nightmare. I know it sounds childish but in my mothers eyes i'm still her little girl and she will always be my mother. Thats how strong my relationship is with my mother. We listen to eachother when the other has to be heared. My mother is worried about me. she dosent want me to leave her. if you have a good healthy relationship with your parents, then you can understand where im going with this. If you dont then i can explain. If you have a good healthy relationship with your parents then they will worrie about you and youll be in their heads

often.”)

The essay states a limited central idea. (“I have a very good and healthy relationship with my mother. Some things we do to have a healthy relationship is we listen to each other. I listen to my mother when she has a problem with one of the family members or needs some help with things she cant do. I always come to my mother when i'm in some sort of trouble. I can come to her when i have a nightmare. I know it sounds childish but in my mothers eyes i'm still her little girl and she will always be my mother. Thats how strong my relationship is with my mother. We listen to eachother when the other has to be heared. My mother is worried about me. she dosent want me to leave her. if you have a good healthy relationship with your parents, then you can understand where im going with this. If you dont then i can explain. If you have a good healthy relationship with your parents then they will worrie about you and youll be in their heads often.”)

In the introduction, only a limited point of view or argument is stated. (“I have a very good and healthy relationship with my mother. Some things we do to have a healthy relationship is we listen to each other. I listen to my mother when she has a problem with one of the family members or needs some help with things she cant do. I always come to my mother when i'm in some sort of trouble. I can come to her when i have a nightmare. I know it sounds childish but in my mothers eyes i'm still her little girl and she will always be my mother. Thats how strong my relationship is with my mother. We listen to eachother when the other has to be heared. My mother is worried about me. she dosent want me to leave her. if you have a good healthy relationship with your parents, then you can understand where im going with this. If you dont then i can explain. If you have a good healthy relationship with your parents then they will worrie about you and youll be in their heads often.”)

Content & Development

Limited content and development are provided in the essay. Ideas are developed briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details as support.

The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“To keep a good and healthy relationship going you need to understand that person well enough. You have to patient and not controlling. Listen to what the other has to say.Dont just see their lips moving actually listen. You cant just have a relationship you also have to maintain the relationship. Dont become a dictator make it a democracy. By that i mean dont overrull the person you have the relationship with. let them have a say in whatever the subject or question.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. (“To keep a good and healthy relationship going you need to understand that person well enough. You have to patient and not controlling. Listen to what the other has to say.Dont just see their lips moving actually listen. You cant just have a relationship you also have to maintain the relationship. Dont become a dictator make it a democracy. By that i mean dont overrull the person you have the relationship with. let them have a say in whatever the subject or question.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“To keep a good and healthy relationship going you need to understand that person well enough. You have to patient and not controlling. Listen to what the other has to say.Dont just see their lips moving actually listen. You

cant just have a relationship you also have to maintain the relationship. Dont become a dictator make it a democracy. By that i mean dont overrull the person you have the relationship with. let them have a say in whatever the subject or question.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates limited organization. There is some evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion; furthermore, the essay lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices.

The introduction includes some background information about the topic. (“I have a very good and healthy relationship with my mother. Some things we do to have a healthy relationship is we listen to each other. I listen to my mother when she has a problem with one of the family members or needs some help with things she cant do. I always come to my mother when i'm in some sort of trouble. I can come to her when i have a nightmare. I know it sounds childish but in my mothers eyes i'm still her little girl and she will always be my mother. Thats how strong my relationship is with my mother. We listen to eachother when the other has to be heared. My mother is worried about me. she dosent want me to leave her. if you have a good healthy relationship with your parents, then you can understand where im going with this. If you dont then i can explain. If you have a good healthy relationship with your parents then they will worrie about you and youll be in their heads often.”)

The introduction attempts to include a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“If you have a good healthy relationship with your parents then they will worrie about you and youll be in their heads often.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are needed. (“Dont become a dictator make it a democracy. By that i mean dont overrull the person you have the relationship with. let them have a say in whatever the subject or question. …To know you have good healthy relationship you must also have grerat big feeling the main feeling im talking about is love. To know you have love is to find that you have a

relationship where your not manipulative. You have obtain what the other needs.”)

The conclusion attempts to summarize the main points of the essay. (“To know you have good healthy relationship you must also have grerat big feeling the main feeling im talking about is love. To know you have love is to find that you have a relationship where your not manipulative. You have obtain what the other needs.”)

Language Use & Style

Limited language use and style are conveyed in this essay. The writing demonstrates simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and a reliance on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“Listen to what the other has to say.Dont just see their lips moving actually listen. You cant just have a relationship you also have to maintain the relationship. Dont become a dictator make it a democracy.”)

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“You have to patient and not controlling. Listen to what the other has to say.Dont just see their lips moving actually listen.”)

Exact words are missing. (“You have to patient and not controlling.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Limited control of mechanics and conventions is conveyed in this essay. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message. The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“Thats how strong my relationship is with my mother. We listen to eachother when the other has to be heared. My mother is worried about me. she dosent want me to leave

her. if you have a good healthy relationship with your parents, then you can understand where im going with this. If you dont then i can explain. If you have a good healthy relationship with your parents then they will worrie about you and youll be in their heads often.”)

Model Essay

a healthy relationship is something you have to work hard for ! If you really want a healthy relationship then you have to be willing to give your all . there's a lot of things you lose and gain from a relationship but in the end its worth it all if you really care for them. people think a relationship is easy to maintain but really liketaking care of something fragile .

in a healthy relationship both people need to trust each other with all they have so that no one will be able to break them apart. that goes for all the different types of relationships weather it be friends family or boyfriend/girlfriend. you also ned to treat them right comfortable

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Minimal focus and meaning are conveyed through this essay. The piece suggests a controlling idea, but demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience while completing few parts of the task. The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“in a healthy relationship both people need to trust each other with all they have so that no one will be able to break them apart. that goes for all the different types of relationships weather it be friends family or boyfriend/girlfriend. you also ned to treat them

right comfortable”)

In the introduction, the supporting idea of the essay is not stated. (“a healthy relationship is something you have to work hard for ! If you really want a healthy relationship then you have to be willing to give your all

. there's a lot of things you lose and gain from a relationship but in the end its worth it all if you really care for them. people think a relationship is easy to maintain but really liketaking care of something fragile .”)

In the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is not stated. (“a healthy relationship is something you have to work hard for ! If you really want a healthy relationship then you have to be willing to give your all . there's a lot of things you lose and gain from a relationship but in the end its worth it all if you really care for them. people think a relationship is easy to maintain but really liketaking care of

something fragile .”)

Content & Development

Content and development within the essay are minimal. Ideas are developed incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. (“in a healthy relationship both people need to trust each other with all they have so that no one will be able to break them apart. that goes for all the different types of relationships weather it be friends family or boyfriend/girlfriend. you also ned to treat them right comfortable”)

Details are minimally used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“in a healthy relationship both people need to trust each other with all they have so that no one will be able to break them apart. that goes for all the different types of relationships weather it be friends family or boyfriend/girlfriend. you also ned to treat them right comfortable”)

Important details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are needed to explain and illustrate

each main idea. (“in a healthy relationship both people need to trust each other with all they have so that no one will be able to break them apart. that goes for all the different types of relationships weather it be friends family or boyfriend/girlfriend. you also ned to treat them right comfortable”)

Organization

Minimal organization is exhibited within this student’s essay. It demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion, as well as little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of a good introduction. (“a healthy relationship is something you have to work hard for ! If you really want a healthy relationship then you have to be willing to give your all

There is little evidence of transitional devices to help connect ideas. (“a healthy relationship is something you have to work hard for ! If you really want a healthy relationship then you have to be willing to give your all . there's a lot of things you lose and gain from a relationship but in the end its worth it all if you really care for them. people think a relationship is easy to maintain but really liketaking care of something fragile . …in a healthy relationship both people need to trust each other with all they have so that no one will be able to break them apart. that goes for all the different types of relationships weather it be friends family or boyfriend/girlfriend. you also ned to treat them right comfortable”)

The essay does little to include a strong conclusion. (“a healthy relationship is something you have to work hard for ! If you really want a healthy relationship then you have to be willing to give your all . there's a lot of things you lose and gain from a relationship but in the end its worth it all if you really care for them.

people think a relationship is easy to maintain but really liketaking care of something fragile . …in a healthy relationship both people need to trust each other with all they have so that no one will be able to break them apart. that goes for all the different types of relationships weather it be friends family or boyfriend/girlfriend. you also ned to treat them right comfortable”)

Language Use & Style

Minimal use of language and style is detected in this brief essay. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience. Basic errors in sentence structure and usage are also made.

Exact words are missing. (“people think a relationship is easy to maintain but really liketaking care of something fragile . …you also ned to treat them right comfortable”)

Transitions are needed. (“a healthy relationship is something you have to work hard for ! If you really want a healthy relationship then you have to be willing to give your all . there's a lot of things you lose and gain from a relationship but in the end its worth it all if you really care for them. people think a relationship is easy to maintain but really liketaking care of something fragile . …in a healthy relationship both people need to trust each other with all they have so that no one will be able to break them apart. that goes for all the different types of relationships weather it be friends family or boyfriend/girlfriend. you also ned to treat them right comfortable”)

The style is not formal; the essay is written in second person. (“a healthy relationship is something you have to work hard for ! If you really want a healthy relationship then you have to be willing to give your all

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s handle over the correct use of mechanics and conventions in formal writing is minimal. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“in a healthy relationship both people need to trust each other with all they have so that no one will be able to break them apart. that goes for all the different types of relationships weather it be friends family or boyfriend/girlfriend. you also ned to treat them right comfortable”)

Model Essay

well my girlfriend named zuesy she has been very influense to me in a good way because when i wasn't with her i used to skip school alot of times. i had three truency courts in one year. and then we start to know each other and i ask her out and she told me not to skip no more if i wanted to be with her.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Focus and meaning within this essay appears to be inadequate. The writer fails to establish a controlling idea and demonstrates no understanding of purpose and audience; no parts of the task are completed.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by not including relevant details to make the

ideas clear and convincing. (“well my girlfriend named zuesy she has been very influense to me in a good way because when i wasn't with her i used to skip school alot of times. i had three truency courts in one year. and then we start to know each other and i ask her out and she told me not to skip no more if i wanted to be with her.”)

The essay does not state the central idea of the essay. (“well my girlfriend named zuesy she has been very influense to me in a good way because when i wasn't with her i used to skip school alot of times. i had three truency courts in one year. and then we start to know each other and i ask her out and she told me not to

skip no more if i wanted to be with her.”)

In the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is not stated. (“well my girlfriend named zuesy she has been very influense to me in a good way because when i wasn't with her i used to skip school alot of times. i had three truency courts in one year. and then we start to know each other and i ask her out and she told me not to skip no more if i wanted to be with her.”)

Content & Development

Content and development are inadequate throughout the essay. It fails to develop ideas, using no details as support.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central idea of the essay. (“well my girlfriend named zuesy she has been very influense to me in a good way because when i wasn't with her i used to skip school alot of times. i had three truency courts in one year. and then we start to know each other and i ask her out and she told me not to skip no more if i wanted to be with her.”)

At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. (“well my girlfriend named zuesy she has been very influense to me in a good way because when i wasn't with her i used to skip school alot of times. i had three truency courts in one year. and then we start to know each other and i ask her out and she told me not to

skip no more if i wanted to be with her.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the

evidence. (“well my girlfriend named zuesy she has been very influense to me in a good way because when i wasn't with her i used to skip school alot of times. i had three truency courts in one year. and then we start to know each other and i ask her out and she told me not to skip no more if i wanted to be with her.”)

Organization

This brief essay displays evidence of inadequate organization. It demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion and no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a good introduction. (“well my girlfriend named zuesy she has been very influense to me in a good way because when i wasn't with her i used to skip school alot of times. i had three truency courts in one year. and then we start to know each other and i ask her out and she told me not to skip no more if i wanted to be with her.”)

The introduction does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“well my girlfriend named zuesy she has been very influense to me in a good way because when i wasn't with her i used to skip school alot of times. i had three truency courts in one year. and then we start to know each other and i ask her out and she told me not to skip no more if i wanted to be with her.”)

Transitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“well my girlfriend named zuesy she has been very influense to me in a good way because when i wasn't with her i used to skip school alot of times. i had three truency courts in one year. and then we start to know each other and i ask her out and she told me not to skip no more if i wanted to be with her.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“well my girlfriend named zuesy she has been very influense to me in a good way because when i wasn't with her i used to skip school alot of times. i had three truency courts in one year. and then we start to know each other and i ask her out and she told me not to

skip no more if i wanted to be with her.”)

Language Use & Style

Inadequate language use and style are conveyed in this essay. The writing demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“well my girlfriend named zuesy she has been very influense to me in a good way because when i wasn't with her i used to skip school alot of times. i had three truency courts in one year. and then we start to know each other and i ask her out and she told me not to skip no more if i wanted to be with her.”)

Transitions are needed. (“well my girlfriend named zuesy she has been very influense to me in a good way because when i wasn't with her i used to skip school alot of times. i had three truency courts in one year. and then we start to know each other and i ask her out and she told me not to skip no more if i wanted to be with her.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“well my girlfriend named zuesy she has been very influense to me in a good way because when i wasn't

with her i used to skip school alot of times. i had three truency courts in one year. and then we start to know each other and i ask her out and she told me not to skip no more if i wanted to be with her.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Inadequate control of mechanics and conventions is shown in this student’s essay. Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“well my girlfriend named zuesy she has been very

influense to me in a good way because when i wasn't with her i used to skip school alot of times. i had three truency courts in one year. and then we start to know each other and i ask her out and she told me not to skip no more if i wanted to be with her.”)

One of your friends dislikes mathematics and has been doing poorly on homework assignments. He/she has asked you for help.

Write a letter to your friend that provides strategies to be successful in math class. Be sure to provide details and examples.

Model Essay

Dear Friend,

Do you think math is too complicated, or do you think it is not possible for you to get a good grade? I am here to tell you that you are wrong about that. Anything is possible if you are determined and work hard. I understand you have been doing poorly in your math class and would like to learn how to do better. I know a few strategies that will help you. They could be very beneficial to you if you take the time to follow them. First, you should start by being responsible and completing your assignments on time. Secondly, you need to work hard, practice, and study often. Third, you need to pay attention in class and stay focused. Finally, you should get help from a tutor, your teacher, or a friend whenever you do not understand an idea or concept. Math does not have to be hard. You just need to know the right strategies to be successful.

First, you need to learn to be responsible and turn in assignments on time. Late assignments always receive a reduced score, so you will be hurting your grade by turning them in late. A famous editor once said, "In the final analysis, the one quality that all successful people have is the ability to take on responsibility." You may think that doing your homework is a daunting task, but it does serve a vital purpose. It provides you with the practice needed to grasp each concept. I like to make my math homework the most important priority when I arrive home after school. I take as much time as needed to finish it before I do anything else. Putting off your homework will increase the chance of it not being completed. If you faithfully take on the responsibility of completely each night's homework, you will begin to see a substantial improvement in your grades.

Next, you will need to be willing to work hard, study, and practice. Success can only be achieved when you abide by these precepts. The willingness to take time to thoroughly work on every assignment until you understand will greatly improve your scores. The more practice you have with any concept, the better you will get at it. Confusion will lessen. Studying on a regular basis will also increase your understanding and knowledge. For example, I usually review all of my math notes several times before I take each test. As a result, I get a good grade on those tests. On the contrary, when I do not take the time to study, I receive a lower score than I would like. The principles of hard work, practice, and study are essential to success in mathematics.

Third, stay attentive and focused in class. Carefully observe everything your teacher says or writes down. Take notes to remember. The more you pay attention, the more knowledge will enter your brain. If you let your mind wander you will miss important information that you will need to complete your assignments. One example of this is my younger brother. He has a hard time paying attention in class. He lets his mind wander, and he does not listen to what his teacher is saying. As a consequence, he does not understand that night's homework assignment and receives a lower grade. Be attentive in class, and you will do much better.

Finally, do not be afraid to get help when you need it, and definitely do not wait until it is too late. Sometimes you will not comprehend a specific concept, and it is imperative that you get help immediately.

In mathematics, every concept builds upon each other. You cannot move on until you understand the previous one. You may come in before and after school to get help from your math teacher. They are there to answer any questions you might have. You may also want to seek assistance from a tutor or friend who understands the concepts. Help is always available. Through my experience, it is so much easier to understand a concept when someone explains it to you in person. Take the time to make that happen, and your grades will not suffer.

In conclusion, I want you to know that mathematics does not have to be hard and confusing. There are ways to get the grades you want. I can promise that if you follow my advice, you will be successful. First, you need to develop the attribute of responsibility and turn in every assignment on time. Secondly, you should be ready and willing to work hard, practice often, and study regularly. Third, stay attentive and focused in class. Finally, you need to ask for help when you need it. Mathematics may not be your favorite subject, but it certainly does not have to be too hard. If you follow my counsel, I can guarantee that you will succeed. I hope you will consider this advice seriously and make the necessary changes in your life.

Your friend, E.W.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This model essay conveys very effective focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea, demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, completes all parts of the task, and may go beyond the limits of the task.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by very effectively using an interesting statement or a question at the beginning of the introduction. (“Dear Friend, Do you think math is too complicated, or do you think it is not possible for you to get a good grade? I am here to tell you that you are wrong about that. Anything is possible if you are determined and work hard. I understand you have been doing poorly in your math class and would like to learn how to do better. I know a few strategies that will help you. They could be very beneficial to you if you take the time to follow them. First, you should start by being responsible and completing your assignments on time. Secondly, you need to work hard, practice, and study often. Third, you need to pay attention in class and stay focused. Finally, you should get help from a tutor, your teacher, or a friend whenever you do not understand an idea or concept. Math does not have to be hard. You just

need to know the right strategies to be successful.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central or controlling idea very effectively. (“First, you need to learn to be responsible and turn in assignments on time. Late assignments always receive a reduced score, so you will be hurting your grade by turning them in late. A famous editor once said, ‘In the final analysis, the one quality that all successful people have is the ability to take on responsibility.’ You may think that doing your homework is a daunting task, but it does serve a vital purpose. It provides you with the practice needed to grasp each concept. I like to make my math homework the most important priority when I arrive home after school. I take as much time as needed to finish it before I do anything else. Putting off your homework will increase the chance of it not being completed. If you faithfully take on the responsibility of completely each night's homework, you will begin to see a substantial improvement in your grades.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with details about how the writer’s friend can improve his/her grade in math class. (“Next, you will need to be willing to work hard, study, and practice. Success can only be achieved when you abide by these precepts. The willingness to take time to thoroughly work on every assignment until you understand will greatly improve your scores. The more practice you have with any concept, the better you will get at it. Confusion will lessen. Studying on a regular basis will also increase your understanding and knowledge. For example, I usually review all of my math notes several times before I take each test. As a result, I get a good grade on those tests. On the contrary, when I do not take the time to study, I receive a lower score than I would like. The principles of hard work,

practice, and study are essential to success in mathematics.”)

Content & Development

This essay is comprised of very effective content and development. Ideas are developed fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details for support.

The content in the body paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“Finally, do not be afraid to get help when you need it, and definitely do not wait until it is too late.

Sometimes you will not comprehend a specific concept, and it is imperative that you get help immediately. In mathematics, every concept builds upon each other. You cannot move on until you understand the previous one. You may come in before and after school to get help from your math teacher. They are there to answer any questions you might have. You may also want to seek assistance from a tutor or friend who understands the concepts. Help is always available. Through my experience, it is so much easier to understand a concept when someone explains it to you in person. Take the time to make that happen, and your grades will not suffer.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (“First, you need to learn to be responsible and turn in assignments on time. Late assignments always receive a reduced score, so you will be hurting your grade by turning them in late. A famous editor once said, ‘In the final analysis, the one quality that all successful people have is the ability to take on responsibility.’ You may think that doing your homework is a daunting task, but it does serve a vital purpose. It provides you with the practice needed to grasp each concept. I like to make my math homework the most important priority when I arrive home after school. I take as much time as needed to finish it before I do anything else. Putting off your homework will increase the chance of it not being completed. If you faithfully take on the responsibility of completely each night's homework, you will begin to see a substantial improvement in your grades.”)

The essay includes facts and statistics, examples, or brief narratives or explanations that tell a small story about each of the main ideas. (“Third, stay attentive and focused in class. Carefully observe everything your teacher says or writes down. Take notes to remember. The more you pay attention, the more

knowledge will enter your brain. If you let your mind wander you will miss important information that you will need to complete your assignments. One example of this is my younger brother. He has a hard time paying attention in class. He lets his mind wander, and he does not listen to what his teacher is saying. As a consequence, he does not understand that night's homework assignment and receives a lower grade. Be

attentive in class, and you will do much better.”)

Organization

Very effective organization is apparent within this essay. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure, an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, and effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout.

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“Dear Friend, Do you think math is too complicated, or do you think it is not possible for you to get a good grade? I am here to tell you that you are wrong about that. Anything is possible if you are determined and work hard. I understand you have been doing poorly in your math class and would like to learn how to do better. I know a few strategies that will help you. They could be very beneficial to you if you take the time to follow them. First, you should start by being responsible and completing your assignments on time. Secondly, you need to work hard, practice, and study often. Third, you need to pay attention in class and stay focused. Finally, you should get help from a tutor, your teacher, or a friend whenever you do not understand an idea or concept. Math does not have to be hard. You just need to know the right strategies to be successful.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“First, you need to learn to be responsible and turn in assignments on time. …Next, you will need to be willing to work hard, study, and practice. …Finally, do not be afraid to get help when you need it, and definitely do not wait until it is

too late.”)

The conclusion summarizes the main points of the essay very effectively. (“In conclusion, I want you to know that mathematics does not have to be hard and confusing. There are ways to get the grades you want. I can promise that if you follow my advice, you will be successful. First, you need to develop the attribute of responsibility and turn in every assignment on time. Secondly, you should be ready and willing to work hard, practice often, and study regularly. Third, stay attentive and focused in class. Finally, you need to ask for help when you need it. Mathematics may not be your favorite subject, but it certainly does not have to be too hard. If you follow my counsel, I can guarantee that you will succeed. I hope you will consider this advice seriously and make the necessary changes in your life.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay is characterized by very effective use of language and style. The writing demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience; well-structured and varied sentences are also present.

Language and tone are consistent throughout. (“Third, stay attentive and focused in class. Carefully observe everything your teacher says or writes down. Take notes to remember. The more you pay attention, the more knowledge will enter your brain. If you let your mind wander you will miss important information that you will need to complete your assignments. …Finally, do not be afraid to get help when you need it, and definitely do not wait until it is too late. Sometimes you will not comprehend a specific concept, and it is imperative that you get help immediately. In mathematics, every concept builds upon each other. You cannot move on until you understand the previous one. You may come in before and after school to get help from your math teacher. They are there to answer any questions you might have. You may also want

to seek assistance from a tutor or friend who understands the concepts.”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the first two body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay.

(“First, you need to learn to be responsible and turn in assignments on time. Late assignments always receive a reduced score, so you will be hurting your grade by turning them in late. A famous editor once said, ‘In the final analysis, the one quality that all successful people have is the ability to take on

responsibility.’ You may think that doing your homework is a daunting task, but it does serve a vital purpose. It provides you with the practice needed to grasp each concept. I like to make my math homework the most important priority when I arrive home after school. I take as much time as needed to finish it before I do anything else. Putting off your homework will increase the chance of it not being completed. If you faithfully take on the responsibility of completely each night's homework, you will begin to see a

substantial improvement in your grades. …Next, you will need to be willing to work hard, study, and practice. Success can only be achieved when you abide by these precepts. The willingness to take time to thoroughly work on every assignment until you understand will greatly improve your scores. The more practice you have with any concept, the better you will get at it. Confusion will lessen. Studying on a regular basis will also increase your understanding and knowledge. For example, I usually review all of my math notes several times before I take each test. As a result, I get a good grade on those tests. On the contrary, when I do not take the time to study, I receive a lower score than I would like. The principles of hard work, practice, and study are essential to success in mathematics.”)

The following compound sentence is used effectively: “You may think that doing your homework is a daunting task, but it does serve a vital purpose.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions. Few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are present. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“For example, I usually review all of my math notes several times before I take each test. As a result, I get a good grade on those

tests. On the contrary, when I do not take the time to study, I receive a lower score than I would like.”)

Model Essay

October 5, 2011, Dear Friend,

I was just informed that you were having trouble understanding the concepts we are learning in math class and struggling to get good grades on your assignments and tests. Well, I have a few tips on how to become successful and get good grades in math. Math can be a confusing subject with a lot of homework, and that can be stressful. But with these few easy tips, you too can be successful and achieve your goals in math class.

The first thing you need to do is to make sure all of your assignments are completed and in on time. This is a key part to getting good grades in any class. When you know that your assignments and projects are completed with quality work and in on time, it is a big relief. Also, when you do your assignments, make sure to take time to do quality work and don't rush through it just so it can be done. When you finish the assignment, look it over to make sure you didn't make any little mistakes that you will regret later. This can help to improve your grades on that assignment as well as future assignments using the same concepts.

Taking notes is a big part of being successful. When writing down the information you are learning, it helps put it in your brain. But it is also a good source to come back to when doing your assignments to make sure you are doing then right. Taking notes is also a good way to keep yourself from getting distracted and talking in class. When you are writing the information, you are focused on what is being taught, instead of what other students around you are doing. Make sure your notes are easy for you to understand and that you are recording the lessons in a way that you understand the concept.

When it comes to taking tests, you need to study. But don't cram the night before the test. Spread your studying out over a few days. Also, doing your assignments help when testing time comes because you did the assignment and learned the material while doing it. That is the whole point of homework. Studying the notes you took is a good way to review everything the way that you understand it. Study in a quiet place where no one is around to bother you or distract you. Lastly, ask questions. When you do not understand the concepts the teacher is teaching, ask him. Ask your friends, parents, or teachers for help so that when it comes time to take the test, you know you understand the concepts.

Being successful in math class takes organization and hard work but I know you can do it. If you follow these simple steps, it is easy to have a good grade in any class. You can use these tips in all of the other aspect of school as well as math. When you work hard and set your mind to something, you can accomplish anything.

Love, L

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are evident in this essay. It establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience, thereby completing most parts of the task.

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central or controlling idea. (“When it comes to taking tests, you need to study. But don't cram the night before the test. Spread your studying out over a few days. Also, doing your assignments help when testing time comes because you did the assignment and learned the

material while doing it. That is the whole point of homework. Studying the notes you took is a good way to review everything the way that you understand it.”)

The language of the thesis fits the effective examples very well. (“But with these few easy tips, you too can be successful and achieve your goals in math class.”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about how the writer’s friend can improve his/her grade in math class. (“The first thing you need to do is to make sure all of your assignments are completed and in on time. This is a key part to getting good grades in any class. When you know that your assignments and projects are completed with quality work and in on time, it is a big relief. Also, when you do your assignments, make sure to take time to do quality work and don't rush through it just so it can be done. When you finish the assignment, look it over to make sure you didn't make any little mistakes that you will regret later. This can help to improve your grades on that assignment as well as future assignments using the same concepts.”)

Content & Development

This sample essay is composed of good content and development. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient appropriate details ideas as support.

The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea.

(“When it comes to taking tests, you need to study. But don't cram the night before the test. Spread your studying out over a few days. Also, doing your assignments help when testing time comes because you did the assignment and learned the material while doing it. That is the whole point of homework. Studying the notes you took is a good way to review everything the way that you understand it. Study in a quiet place where no one is around to bother you or distract you. Lastly, ask questions. When you do not understand the concepts the teacher is teaching, ask him. Ask your friends, parents, or teachers for help so that when it comes time to take the test, you know you understand the concepts.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence.

(“Taking notes is a big part of being successful. When writing down the information you are learning, it helps put it in your brain. But it is also a good source to come back to when doing your assignments to make sure you are doing then right. Taking notes is also a good way to keep yourself from getting distracted and talking in class. When you are writing the information, you are focused on what is being taught, instead of what other students around you are doing. Make sure your notes are easy for you to understand and that you are recording the lessons in a way that you understand the concept.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“The first thing you need to do is to make sure all of your assignments are completed and in on time. This is a key part to getting good grades in any class.

When you know that your assignments and projects are completed with quality work and in on time, it is a big relief. Also, when you do your assignments, make sure to take time to do quality work and don't rush through it just so it can be done. When you finish the assignment, look it over to make sure you didn't make any little mistakes that you will regret later. This can help to improve your grades on that assignment as

well as future assignments using the same concepts.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates an effective introduction. (“Dear Friend, I was just informed that you were having trouble understanding the concepts we are learning in math class and struggling to get good grades on your assignments and tests. Well, I have a few tips on how to become successful and get good grades in math. Math can be a confusing subject with a lot of homework, and that can be stressful. But with these few easy tips, you too can be successful and achieve your goals in math class.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“The first thing you need to do is to make sure all of your assignments are completed and in on time. …Also, doing your assignments help when testing time comes because you did the assignment and learned the material while doing it. …Lastly, ask questions.”)

The conclusion effectively leaves readers with something to think about or something to do. (“Dear Friend, I was just informed that you were having trouble understanding the concepts we are learning in math class and struggling to get good grades on your assignments and tests. Well, I have a few tips on how to become successful and get good grades in math. Math can be a confusing subject with a lot of homework, and that can be stressful. But with these few easy tips, you too can be successful and achieve your goals in math

class.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style is good. The essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; well-structured sentences with some variety are also included.

Coherent style and tone ensure that readers can thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the second and third body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the

essay. (“Taking notes is a big part of being successful. When writing down the information you are learning, it helps put it in your brain. But it is also a good source to come back to when doing your assignments to make sure you are doing then right. Taking notes is also a good way to keep yourself from getting distracted and talking in class. When you are writing the information, you are focused on what is being taught, instead of what other students around you are doing. Make sure your notes are easy for you to understand and that you are recording the lessons in a way that you understand the concept. …When it comes to taking tests, you need to study. But don't cram the night before the test. Spread your studying out over a few days. Also, doing your assignments help when testing time comes because you did the assignment and learned the material while doing it. That is the whole point of homework. Studying the notes you took is a good way to review everything the way that you understand it. Study in a quiet place where no one is around to bother you or distract you. Lastly, ask questions. When you do not understand the concepts the teacher is teaching, ask him. Ask your friends, parents, or teachers for help so that when it comes time to take the test, you know you understand the concepts.”)

Sentence lengths are adequately varied in the essay. (“Studying the notes you took is a good way to review everything the way that you understand it. Study in a quiet place where no one is around to bother you or distract you. Lastly, ask questions. When you do not understand the concepts the teacher is teaching, ask him. Ask your friends, parents, or teachers for help so that when it comes time to take the test, you know you understand the concepts.”)

The following compound sentence is used effectively: “Math can be a confusing subject with a lot of homework, and that can be stressful.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer shows good control of mechanics and conventions in the essay. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, and any that may be present do not interfere with the message. For example, most sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“When it comes to taking tests, you need to study. But don't cram the night before the test. Spread your studying out over a few days. Also, doing your assignments help when testing

time comes because you did the assignment and learned the material while doing it.”)

Model Essay

Dear Friend,

Math is a very hard subject; there are many equations and strategies that need to be followed. Math is a subject that has to do figuring out problems that have to do with numbers. It is used in everyday life and is a very important requirement in business. To help yourself get better at math you should try to remember you're your steps and equations, be able to think of math literally so you can compare it to real life, and to just remember to study.

The primary and the most important thing to remember when trying to get better at math are to remember your equation and steps needed to figure out that certain type of problem. Without the equations to the asthmatic problems, it will take a lot of thought to get the problem right. The equations make the problem easier, and they are the key to being successful at math. If it is difficult for you to remember the equations or theorems, then you could always find a way to make it easier for yourself. An example would be for you to write the equation that you are working on in class on a note card and study it everyday. This will help you to memorize the equation better.

Another way to help you with math would be to see it in real life situations. Math is connected to everything and there are many ways to figure out a math problem than just one. If you can't remember how to figure the problem, then just think of a deferent way to solve it using things that you already know. This will help you to better understand the problem and make it easier to figure out.

The biggest help of all in math would be to study. In class you are probably learning new ways to figure out math problems. The main key to math is the equations and if you have them memorized, then you will have an easier time with the math problems. When your teacher gives you new equations then you have to study them as much as possible. Studying the certain equations and steps to figuring out math problems will help you to understand, and even help you to figure out future math problems.

There you go math can be a very hard subject but if you just remember your steps and equations, be able to think of math literally so you can compare it to real life, and to just remember to study. Math is used everyday and thought out your entire life. Math is very useful in every thing you do, so try and study hard.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This sample essay has adequate focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea, demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes many parts of the task.

The thesis states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. (“To help yourself get better at math you should try to remember you're your steps and equations, be able to think of math literally so you can compare it to real life, and to just remember to study.”)

The essay understands the intended audience adequately. (“Another way to help you with math would be to see it in real life situations. Math is connected to everything and there are many ways to figure out a math problem than just one. If you can't remember how to figure the problem, then just think of a deferent way to solve it using things that you already know. This will help you to better understand the problem and make it easier to figure out.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“Math is a very hard subject; there are many equations and steps that need to be followed. … To help yourself get better at math you should try to remember you're your steps and equations, be able to think of math literally so you can compare it to real life, and to just remember to study.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development of ideas found in this essay. It develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support.

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“The biggest help of all in math would be to study. In class you are probably learning new ways to figure out math problems. The main key to math is the equations and if you have them memorized, then you will have an easier time with the math problems. When your teacher gives you new equations then you have to study them as much as possible. Studying the certain equations and steps to figuring out math problems will help you to understand, and even help you to figure out future math problems.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. At least three details are stated about each main idea. (“The primary and the most important thing to remember when trying to get better at math are to remember your equation and steps needed to figure out that certain type of problem. Without the equations to the asthmatic problems, it will take a lot of thought to get the problem right. The equations make the problem easier, and they are the key to being successful at math. If it is difficult for you to remember the equations or theorems, then you could always find a way to make it easier for yourself. An example would be for you to write the equation that you are working on in class on a note card and study it everyday. This will help you to memorize the equation better.”)

The essay includes facts and statistics, examples, or brief narratives or explanations about each of the main ideas. (“The primary and the most important thing to remember when trying to get better at math are to remember your equation and steps needed to figure out that certain type of problem. Without the equations to the asthmatic problems, it will take a lot of thought to get the problem right. The equations make the problem easier, and they are the key to being successful at math. If it is difficult for you to remember the equations or theorems, then you could always find a way to make it easier for yourself. An example would be for you to write the equation that you are working on in class on a note card and study it everyday. This will help you to memorize the equation better.”)

Organization

This essay is organized in an adequate manner. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, yet inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The introduction includes adequate background information about the topic. (“Dear Friend, Math is a very hard subject; there are many equations and steps that need to be followed. Math is a subject that has to do figuring out problems that have to do with numbers. It is used in everyday life and is a very important requirement in business. To help yourself get better at math you should try to remember you're your steps and equations, be able to think of math literally so you can compare it to real life, and to just remember to study.”)

The introduction adequately includes a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“To help yourself get better at math you should try to remember you're your steps and equations, be able to think of math

literally so you can compare it to real life, and to just remember to study.”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“There you go math can be a very hard subject but if you just remember your steps and equations, be able to think of math literally so you can compare it to real life, and to just remember to study. Math is used everyday and thought out your entire life. Math is very useful

in every thing you do, so try and study hard.”)

Language Use & Style

Adequate language use and style are seen in the essay. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“The equations make the problem easier, and they are the key to being successful at math. If it is difficult for you to remember the equations or theorems, then you could always find a way to make it easier for yourself. An example would be for you to write the equation that you are working on in class on a note card and study it everyday. This will help you to memorize the

equation better.”)

Exact and specific words, such as “strategies” from the research and the prompt task, are used adequately. (“Math is a very hard subject; there are many equations and strategies that need to be followed.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor. (“Math is a very hard subject; there are many equations and strategies that need to be followed. Math is a subject that has to do figuring out problems that have to do with numbers. … Without the equations to the asthmatic problems, it will take a lot of thought to get the

problem right.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay exhibits adequate control of the mechanics and conventions of formal, academic writing. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb (an

action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“Math is connected to everything and there are many ways to figure out a math problem than just one. If you can't remember how to figure the problem, then just think of a deferent way to solve it using things that you already know.”)

Model Essay

October 6, 2011 Dear Friend!

I've heard you have some problems in math class. I can help you. What can you do when you have problems with some classes? You can read your book and get instructions from the book, you can ask a teacher for a help, and of course you can ask a friend! There is one thing about a friends' help: some friends actually trying to help you understand how the problems in the math class work, others try to give you all of the answers. So what is better for you? You need to choose a friend that you think will help you the most.

Well, what can I help you with your problem. You can come to my house and we can read the instructions from the book together and if you don't undertand from the book I can see if I can explain it to you. Or if it is a section that I might happend to know I can help you in my own words. For example: you learn proves in geometry, and you know how to write the statements, but you don't know how to find the reasons. When that happens you can find all the definitions of the words that might help you, properties, and find in the book when the image is suppose to show you the reason, and write them in your notes so when you do the proves you can easy look in your notes and by the step you made in the proof you can find whichever reason you need. But it's not going to be always the properties, it depends on what is the proof about. Don't be lazy in the class and listen to the teacher because they give you all the definitions in the easy form to remember and that you can better understand.

If you will try to do stuff I wrote I promise they'll help you! Don't ask for help from people who you know will just give you all the answers! Good luck with the math class. Make sure you listen to the teacher.

Your friend, A

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay shows limited focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience and, as a result, completes only some parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“Well, what can I help you with your problem. You can come to my house and we can read the instructions from the book together and if you don't undertand from the book I can see if I can explain it to you. Or if it is a section that I might happend to know I can help you in my own words.”)

The essay states a limited central or controlling idea. (“Dear Friend! I've heard you have some problems in math class. I can help you. What can you do when you have problems with some classes? You can read your book and get instructions from the book, you can ask a teacher for a help, and of course you can ask a friend! There is one thing about a friends' help: some friends actually trying to help you understand how the problems in the math class work, others try to give you all of the answers. So what is better for you? You need to choose a friend that you think will help you the most.”)

In the introduction, only a limited supporting idea of the essay is stated. (“Dear Friend! I've heard you have some problems in math class. I can help you. What can you do when you have problems with some classes? You can read your book and get instructions from the book, you can ask a teacher for a help, and of course you can ask a friend! There is one thing about a friends' help: some friends actually trying to help you understand how the problems in the math class work, others try to give you all of the answers. So what is better for you? You need to choose a friend that you think will help you the most.”)

Content & Development

Limited content and development are evident to readers. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support.

The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Well, what can I help you with your problem. You can come to my house and we can read the instructions from the book together and if you don't undertand from the book I can see if I can explain it to you. Or if it is a section that I might happend to know I can help you in my own words. For example: you learn proves in geometry, and you know how to write the statements, but you don't know how to find the reasons. When that happens you can find all the definitions of the words that might help you, properties, and find in the book when the image is suppose to show you the reason, and write them in your notes so when you do the proves you can easy look in your notes and by the step you made in the proof you can find whichever reason you need. But it's not going to be always the properties, it depends on what is the proof about. Don't be lazy in the class and listen to the teacher because they give you all the definitions in the easy form to remember and that you can better

understand.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. (“Well, what can I help you with your problem. You can come to my house and we can read the instructions from the book together and if you don't undertand from the book I can see if I can explain it to you. Or if it is a section that I might happend to know I can help you in my own words. For example: you learn proves in geometry, and you know how to write the statements, but you don't know how to find the reasons.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“Well, what can I help you with your problem. You can come to my house and we can read the instructions from the book together and if you don't undertand from the book I can see if I can explain it to you. Or if it is a section that I might happend to know I can help you in my own words. For example: you learn proves in geometry, and you know how to write the statements, but you don't know how to find the reasons. When that happens you can find all the definitions of the words that might help you, properties, and find in the book when the image is suppose to show you the reason, and write them in your notes so when you do the proves you can easy look in your notes and by the step you made in the proof you can find whichever

reason you need.”)

Organization

Limited organization is apparent in this essay. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion and, furthermore, lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices.

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“Dear Friend! I've heard you have some problems in math class. I can help you. What can you do when you have problems with some classes? You can read your book and get instructions from the book, you can ask a teacher for a help, and of course you can ask a friend!”)

The conclusion attempts to summarize the main points of the essay. (“If you will try to do stuff I wrote I promise they'll help you! Don't ask for help from people who you know will just give you all the answers! Good luck with the math class. Make sure you listen to the teacher.”)

The conclusion attempts to leave readers with something to think about. (“If you will try to do stuff I wrote I promise they'll help you! Don't ask for help from people who you know will just give you all the answers! Good luck with the math class. Make sure you listen to the teacher.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style is limited. The writing demonstrates simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and a reliance on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“There is one thing about a friends' help: some friends actually trying to help you understand how the problems in the math class work, others try to give you all of the answers.”)

Sentence lengths are short. (“I can help you. … Good luck with the math class. Make sure you listen to the teacher.”)

The writer should use more varied and appropriate transitions. (“Well, what can I help you with your problem.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates limited control of mechanics and conventions. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer should, but does not always, make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“Well, what can I help you with your problem. You can come to my house and we can read the instructions from the book together and if you don't undertand from the book I can see if I can explain it to you. Or if it is a section that I might happend to know I can help you in my own words.”)

Model Essay

Dear Friend,

iv'e noticed you've been having problems in math class. I am willing to help you if your in need. Math can be hard at times, and easy at times. Some basic strategies for math is take notes, study for tests, go to class, and listen. These strategies helped me so much during my 7th grade year.

Im sure the strategies will help you out a lot. Always remember to ask your parents for help ,and if they seem confused ask a friend ,or another family memeber. My best advive for you is to go to tutoring. It's not a bad thing at all. You might not like it once you get there, but later on math will be a piece of cake. Just keep your head up, and remember never be afraid ask questions.

Sincerly, S.K.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay conveys minimal focus and meaning. Although a controlling idea is suggested, the essay demonstrates only minimal understanding of the purpose and audience, and few parts of the task are completed.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas

clear and convincing. (“Im sure the strategies will help you out a lot. Always remember to ask your parents for help ,and if they seem confused ask a friend ,or another family memeber. My best advive for you is to go to tutoring. It's not a bad thing at all. You might not like it once you get there, but later on math will be a piece of cake. Just keep your head up, and remember never be afraid ask questions.”)

In the introduction, the supporting idea of the essay is not stated. (“iv'e noticed you've been having problems in math class. I am willing to help you if your in need. Math can be hard at times, and easy at times. Some basic strategies for math is take notes, study for tests, go to class, and listen. These strategies helped me so much during my 7th grade year.”)

In the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is not strongly stated. (“iv'e noticed you've been having problems in math class. I am willing to help you if your in need. Math can be hard at times, and easy at times. Some basic strategies for math is take notes, study for tests, go to class, and listen. These strategies helped me so much during my 7th grade year.”)

Content & Development

The essay provides minimal content and development. Ideas are developed incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. (“Im sure the strategies will help you out a lot. Always remember to ask your parents for help ,and if they seem confused ask a friend ,or another family memeber. My best advive for you is to go to tutoring. It's not a bad thing at all. You might not like it once you get there, but later on math will be a piece of cake. Just keep your head up, and remember never be afraid ask questions.”)

The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“Im sure the strategies will help you out a lot. Always remember to ask your parents for help ,and if they seem confused ask a friend ,or another family memeber. My best advive for you is to go to tutoring. It's not a bad thing at all. You might not like it

once you get there, but later on math will be a piece of cake. Just keep your head up, and remember never be afraid ask questions.”)

Details are minimally used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Im sure the strategies will help you out a lot. Always remember to ask your parents for help ,and if they seem confused ask a friend ,or another family memeber. My best advive for you is to go to tutoring. It's not a bad thing at all. You might not like it once you get there, but later on math will be a piece of cake. Just keep your head up, and remember never be afraid ask questions.”)

Organization

This essay is developed using minimal organization. It demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion, and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The introduction includes little background information about the topic. (“iv'e noticed you've been having problems in math class. I am willing to help you if your in need. Math can be hard at times, and easy at times. Some basic strategies for math is take notes, study for tests, go to class, and listen. These strategies helped me so much during my 7th grade year.”)

There is little evidence of transitional devices to help connect ideas. (“These strategies helped me so much during my 7th grade year. Im sure the strategies will help you out a lot.”)

The essay does little to include a strong conclusion. (“Im sure the strategies will help you out a lot. Always remember to ask your parents for help ,and if they seem confused ask a friend ,or another family memeber. My best advive for you is to go to tutoring. It's not a bad thing at all. You might not like it once you get there, but later on math will be a piece of cake. Just keep your head up, and remember never be afraid ask questions.”)

Language Use & Style

Minimal language use and style are apparent within this essay. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience; basic errors in sentence structure and usage are also made.

Sentence lengths are short. (“My best advive for you is to go to tutoring. It's not a bad thing at all.”) Words are missing. (“Just keep your head up, and remember never be afraid ask questions.”)

The writer should use more varied and appropriate transitions. (“Im sure the strategies will help you out a lot. Always remember to ask your parents for help ,and if they seem confused ask a friend ,or another family memeber. My best advive for you is to go to tutoring.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay shows minimal control of mechanics and conventions. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a

capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“iv'e noticed you've been having problems in math class. I am willing to help you if your in need. …Im sure the strategies will help you out a lot. Always remember to ask your parents for help ,and if they seem confused ask a friend ,or another family memeber. My best

advive for you is to go to tutoring.”)

Model Essay

Dear Kirby,

You pink little buddy you ate my homework. Now your like amath whiz in our class but I cant study for the test since my notes and my calculator was your lunch and my brain juice your beverge. So please help me pink round little buddy.

sincerly, Cookie

P.S I want some cookies

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay has inadequate or no focus and meaning. It fails to establish a controlling idea, demonstrates no understanding of purpose and audience, and completes no parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“Dear Kirby, You pink little buddy you ate my homework. Now your like amath whiz in our class but I cant study for the test since my notes and my calculator was your lunch and my brain juice your beverge. So please help me pink round little buddy. sincerly, Cookie P.S I want some

cookies”)

The essay does not state the central or controlling idea. (“Dear Kirby, You pink little buddy you ate my homework. Now your like amath whiz in our class but I cant study for the test since my notes and my calculator was your lunch and my brain juice your beverge. So please help me pink round little buddy. sincerly, Cookie P.S I want some cookies”)

In the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is not stated. (“Dear Kirby, You pink little buddy you ate my homework. Now your like amath whiz in our class but I cant study for the test since my notes and my calculator was your lunch and my brain juice your beverge. So please help me pink round

little buddy. sincerly, Cookie P.S I want some cookies”)

Content & Development

The essay is developed using inadequate or no content and development. The writer fails to develop ideas, using no details for support.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central or controlling idea of the essay. (“Dear Kirby, You pink little buddy you ate my homework. Now your like amath whiz in our class but I cant study for the test since my notes and my calculator was your lunch and my brain juice your beverge. So please help me pink round little buddy. sincerly, Cookie P.S I want some cookies”)

At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. (“Dear Kirby, You pink little buddy you ate my homework. Now your like amath whiz in our class but I cant study for the test since my notes and my calculator was your lunch and my brain juice your beverge. So please help me pink round little buddy. sincerly, Cookie P.S I want some cookies”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the

evidence. (“Dear Kirby, You pink little buddy you ate my homework. Now your like amath whiz in our class but I cant study for the test since my notes and my calculator was your lunch and my brain juice your beverge. So please help me pink round little buddy. sincerly, Cookie P.S I want some cookies”)

Organization

Inadequate or no organization is evident when reading this essay. There is no evidence of a unified structure, no introduction or conclusion, and no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a good introduction. (“Dear Kirby, You pink little buddy you ate my homework. Now your like amath whiz in our class but I cant study for the test since my notes and my calculator was your lunch and my brain juice your beverge. So please help me pink round little buddy. sincerly, Cookie P.S I want some cookies”)

The introduction does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“Dear Kirby, You pink little buddy you ate my homework. Now your like amath whiz in our class but I cant study for the test since my notes and my calculator was your lunch and my brain juice your beverge. So please help me pink round little buddy. sincerly, Cookie P.S I want some cookies”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“Dear Kirby, You pink little buddy you ate my homework. Now your like amath whiz in our class but I cant study for the test since my notes and my calculator was your lunch and my brain juice your beverge. So please help me pink round little buddy. sincerly, Cookie P.S I want some cookies”)

Language Use & Style

Inadequate language use and style are prevalent in the essay. The writing demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“Now your like amath whiz in our class but I cant study for the test since my notes and my calculator was your lunch and my brain juice your beverge.”)

The style is not formal. (“Dear Kirby, You pink little buddy you ate my homework. Now your like amath whiz in our class but I cant study for the test since my notes and my calculator was your lunch and my brain juice your beverge. So please help me pink round little buddy. sincerly, Cookie P.S I want some

cookies”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“Dear Kirby, You pink little buddy you ate my homework. Now your like amath whiz in our class but I cant study for the test since my notes and my calculator was your lunch and my brain juice your beverge. So please help me pink round little buddy. sincerly, Cookie P.S I want some cookies”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer shows inadequate or no control of the mechanics and conventions of formal writing. Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an

action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“Dear Kirby, You pink little buddy you ate my homework. Now your like amath whiz in our class but I cant study for the test since my notes

and my calculator was your lunch and my brain juice your beverge.”)

Imagine that you have been given the opportunity to go back in time and live during any period in American history. Which decade of American history stands out as one you would like to witness?

Write a multi-paragraph essay discussing which historical time period you would choose and why. Use specific details and examples to support your response.

Model Essay

Over a few centuries, numerous changes have occurred that have transformed the United States of America into what it is today. From the first settlers who established a town in Plymouth Rock to the present-day citizens of this country, many people have contributed to making this country. With different types of people, there have been singular eras. Each era has been noted for its individuality. Although each time period has come and gone, some have left their mark in structuring America. I would have to say that the beginning of America had a lot of more distinct eras. The time ranging from 1770 to 1779 would be an example of this. During that decade, the Revolutionary War was brewing and the independence of the Colonies was coming. Clearly, I would make plans to visit the 1770s, if I could.

At the time, Britain still had complete control over the States. Consequently, the majority of the population would still speak English in a more British style. This could mean that some of the words would be pronounced differently, and could have multiple meanings and connotations. For an English-speaking American living in the present-day U.S, like me, some of the words they would speak would seem like utter gibberish. It would be quite interesting to see how someone could try to handle this situation. If I were to attempt, my modern dialect would most likely give the Colonist interlocutor a loss of words. Our effort at communicating would be futile. To someone like me, this scenario could be quite comical.

Not only would time traveling to the late seventeen hundreds provide an insight in their vernacular, but it could also give me a taste of their customs. Unfortunately, today's world does a good job at concealing our old traditions, and tries to ignore them, as if we never had any. Back in the time of Colonial America, however, the act of following your ancestor's beliefs was pretty dominant. I would be able to see old values, like the long practiced tradition of drinking tea at a certain time. Fairly visible would be the people going to church on Sunday. Even negative practices would be perceptible, such as not letting girls get an education. Their culture was simply straightforward and rather noticeable.

Perhaps the ultimate aspect of time traveling to the late eighteenth century is the food that they feasted on. Normally, I have a customary plate consisting of chicken, rice, and corn, or something of that nature.

Occasionally, I may even munch on some greasy and crispy fries, along with a juicy cheeseburger. Though I have not time traveled to Colonial America myself, I am definitely aware of the fact that the colonists did not consume what I currently have as lunch, dinner and especially not breakfast. In lieu of having toasty waffles saturated with sweet, sugary syrup, as a breakfast I generally wolf down, they had a variety of courses. If they were rich, they could have a cornucopia of food, containing bread, cold meat, fruit pies, cornmeal, sweet cakes, and tea. If they were poor, then they might have had some cold turkey along with some milk. The food would give me culture shock. I would not be able to ingest my offered meal. Tasting the disparities in meals would be an appealing reason to go to this era.

Time traveling can set up many situations. A myriad of possibilities could materialize swiftly. I could choose to go to the early sixteen hundreds or maybe just twenty years ago. A variety of people, customs, and environments could be met. However, I decided on the decade of the 1770s. This was due to several factors. One of them was the variance in speech. A gap in our dialogue would be present. Another factor was the chance of viewing the old traditions, values, and customs that have slowly languished over time.

The concluding reason for going to that time would be the cuisine that they gobbled up. All of these motives intrigued me.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea in the essay and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience. He/she effectively completes all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

Notably, the writer leaves readers with a clear picture of why he/she would travel back to the 1770s.

The essay’s introduction grabs the readers’ attention very effectively. (“Over a few centuries, numerous changes have occurred that have transformed the United States of America into what it is today. From the first settlers who established a town in Plymouth Rock to the present-day citizens of this country, many people have contributed to making this country. With different types of people, there have been singular eras. Each era has been noted for its individuality. Although each time period has come and gone, some have left their mark in structuring America. I would have to say that the beginning of America had a lot of more distinct eras. The time ranging from 1770 to 1779 would be an example of this.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. (“Not only would time traveling to the late seventeen hundreds provide an insight in their vernacular, but it could also give me a taste of their customs. Unfortunately, today's world does a good job at concealing our old traditions, and tries to ignore them, as if we never had any. Back in the time of Colonial America, however, the act of following your ancestor's beliefs was pretty dominant. I would be able to see old values, like the long practiced tradition of drinking tea at a certain time. Fairly visible would be the people going to church on Sunday. Even negative practices would be perceptible, such as not letting girls get an education. Their culture was simply straightforward and rather noticeable.”)

The language used in the thesis fits the writer's examples very effectively. (“For an English-speaking American living in the present-day U.S, like me, some of the words they would speak would seem like utter gibberish. It would be quite interesting to see how someone could try to handle this situation. If I were to attempt, my modern dialect would most likely give the Colonist interlocutor a loss of words. Our effort at communicating would be futile. To someone like me, this scenario could be quite comical.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully, using a wide variety of appropriate details to support why he/she would travel to the 1770s.

Relevant points explain and illustrate life in the 1770s and why the writer would travel to that specific time period. (“Perhaps the ultimate aspect of time traveling to the late eighteenth century is the food that they feasted on. Normally, I have a customary plate consisting of chicken, rice, and corn, or something of that nature. Occasionally, I may even munch on some greasy and crispy fries, along with a juicy cheeseburger. Though I have not time traveled to Colonial America myself, I am definitely aware of the fact that the colonists did not consume what I currently have as lunch, dinner and especially not breakfast. In lieu of having toasty waffles saturated with sweet, sugary syrup, as a breakfast I generally wolf down, they had a variety of courses. If they were rich, they could have a cornucopia of food, containing bread, cold meat, fruit pies, cornmeal, sweet cakes, and tea. If they were poor, then they might have had some cold turkey along with some milk. The food would give me culture shock. I would not be able to ingest my offered meal. Tasting the disparities in meals would be an appealing reason to go to this era.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (“Not only would time traveling to the late seventeen hundreds provide an insight in their vernacular, but it could also give me a taste of their customs. Unfortunately, today's world does a good job at concealing our old traditions, and tries to ignore them, as if we never had any. Back in the time of Colonial America, however, the act of following your ancestor's beliefs was pretty dominant. I would be able to see old values, like the long practiced tradition of drinking

tea at a certain time. Fairly visible would be the people going to church on Sunday. Even negative practices would be perceptible, such as not letting girls get an education. Their culture was simply straightforward and rather noticeable.”)

Specific information about the 1770s is developed very effectively. (“At the time, Britain still had complete control over the States. Consequently, the majority of the population would still speak English in a more British style. This could mean that some of the words would be pronounced differently, and could have multiple meanings and connotations. For an English-speaking American living in the present-day U.S, like me, some of the words they would speak would seem like utter gibberish. It would be quite interesting to see how someone could try to handle this situation.”)

Organization

The writer effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“Over a few centuries, numerous changes have occurred that have transformed the United States of America into what it is today. From the first settlers who established a town in Plymouth Rock to the present-day citizens of this country, many people have contributed to making this country. With different types of people, there have been singular eras. Each era has been noted for its individuality. Although each time period has come and gone, some have left their mark in structuring America. I would have to say that the beginning of America had a lot of more distinct eras. The time ranging from 1770 to 1779 would be an example of this. During that decade, the Revolutionary War was brewing and the independence of the Colonies was coming. Clearly, I would make plans to visit the 1770s, if I could.”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect ideas between sentences and paragraphs. (“At the time, Britain still had complete control over the States. Consequently, the majority of the population would still speak English in a more British style. This could mean that some of the words would be pronounced differently, and could have multiple meanings and connotations. For an English-speaking American living in the present-day U.S, like me, some of the words they would speak would seem like utter gibberish.”)

The writer includes an ending that sums up why he/she would travel back in time to the 1770s and provides readers with a sense of closure. (“Time traveling can set up many situations. A myriad of possibilities could materialize swiftly. I could choose to go to the early sixteen hundreds or maybe just twenty years ago. A variety of people, customs, and environments could be met. However, I decided on the decade of the 1770s. This was due to several factors. One of them was the variance in speech. A gap in our dialogue would be present. Another factor was the chance of viewing the old traditions, values, and customs that have slowly languished over time. The concluding reason for going to that time would be the cuisine that they gobbled up. All of these motives intrigued me.”)

Language Use & Style

adds to the effectiveness of the writer’s response.

The writer chooses descriptive words to effectively describe how he/she would communicate with people during the 1770s. (“For an English-speaking American living in the present-day U.S, like me, some of the words they would speak would seem like utter gibberish. It would be quite interesting to see how someone could try to handle this situation. If I were to attempt, my modern dialect would most likely give the Colonist interlocutor a loss of words. Our effort at communicating would be futile. To someone like me, this scenario could be quite comical.”)

(“Perhaps the ultimate aspect of time traveling to the late eighteenth century is the food that they feasted on. Normally, I have a customary plate consisting of chicken, rice, and corn, or something of that nature. Occasionally, I may even munch on some greasy and crispy fries, along with a juicy cheeseburger. Though I have not time traveled to Colonial America myself, I am definitely aware of the fact that the colonists did not consume what I currently have as lunch, dinner and especially not breakfast. In lieu of having toasty waffles saturated with sweet, sugary syrup, as a breakfast I generally wolf down, they had a variety of courses. If they were rich, they could have a cornucopia of food, containing bread, cold meat, fruit pies, cornmeal, sweet cakes, and tea. If they were poor, then they might have had some cold turkey along with some milk. The food would give me culture shock.”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice throughout the response. (“A variety of people, customs, and environments could be met. However, I decided on the decade of the 1770s. This was due to several factors. One of them was the variance in speech. A gap in our dialogue would be present. Another factor was the chance of viewing the old traditions, values, and customs that have slowly languished over time. The concluding reason for going to that time would be the cuisine that they gobbled up. All of these motives intrigued me.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Model Essay

As compared to most worldly countries, America is relatively new, and given the limited time period, I had a hard time pinpointing one particular event or decade that I would most enjoy visiting, however, if given the opportunity, I would gladly go and live in the Colonial Era of the United States. There are many ground-breaking and world changing events that happened in this era. For instance, in this time period, settlers of the new land were beginning to consider the possibility of independence. As a result of these decisions, the Revolutionary war began, and American rose to power by defeating the English from Great Britain, creating a new World Power.

In 1492, Columbus, who was supported by the Spanish, arrived in the islands surrounding America, but it was not until the early 1500s that the American continent was settled. The English explorers came soon thereafter and gained control of the Eastern coast. Because of the distance from the Americas, the English government was hard pressed to maintain control over the colonial citizens. Consequently, the citizens determined amongst themselves to declare independence.

During this time, many of our Founding Fathers, Benjamin Franklin, George Washington, John Hancock, and many others were working on a Constitution for the United States of America. This Constitution was the basis of our country and would have been the most monumental and inspirational moment of our history to see. I doubt that anyone would oppose the opportunity to witness this great event. However, the war that follows this immense decision is much less desirable.

The Revolutionary War, though bloody and heartbreaking, is the reason our families are here today. Though I would not have wanted to witness this war, or any war, the dedication and firmness of the American soldiers fighting to win what they so adamantly desire would have been breathtaking. This period in our country's history was immensely important to the gaining of our independence from the British.

Many people, predominantly inclusive of historians and other professions involving the historical aspects of our country and others, would give incomprehensible sums to be able to witness these events, study the people, culture, and time, and meet with our Founding Fathers. As for myself, I would greatly enjoy the opportunity to be able to travel to the same time that these great men and leaders lived. Many of these people are referred to often, and held in high esteem. The chance to witness these events and meet these great people would be the experience of a lifetime that no one should decline.

The Colonial Era of the United States is one of the most important and fascinating times in all of the United States' history. This opportunity is the most compelling and exciting things anyone could have hoped for. If everyone could have this great experience the world would be greatly benefited, not only because of the tremendous opportunity, but also because of the amazing chance to observe and learn and gain essential knowledge about our country, its people, and its culture.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction by stating why he/she would travel back to Colonial America. (“As compared to most worldly countries, America is relatively new, and given the limited time period, I had a hard time pinpointing one particular event or decade that I would most enjoy visiting, however, if given the opportunity, I would gladly go and live in the Colonial Era of the United States.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. (“In 1492, Columbus, who was supported by the Spanish, arrived in the islands surrounding America, but it was not until the early 1500s that the American continent was settled. The English explorers came soon thereafter and gained control of the Eastern coast. Because of the distance from the Americas, the English government was hard pressed to maintain control over the colonial citizens. Consequently, the citizens determined amongst themselves to declare independence.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very well. (“The Revolutionary War, though bloody and heartbreaking, is the reason our families are here today. Though I would not have wanted to witness this war, or any war, the dedication and firmness of the American soldiers fighting to win what they so adamantly desire would have been breathtaking. This period in our country's history was immensely important to the gaining of our independence from the British.”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient and appropriate details for support.

The content in the body of the paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain the main idea. (“During this time, many of our Founding Fathers, Benjamin Franklin, George Washington, John Hancock, and many others were working on a Constitution for the United States of America. This Constitution was the basis of our country and would have been the most monumental and inspirational moment of our history to see. I doubt that anyone would oppose the opportunity to witness this great event. However, the war that follows this immense decision is much less desirable.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea in the topic sentence. (“The Revolutionary War, though bloody and heartbreaking, is the reason our families are here today. Though I would not have wanted to witness this war, or any war, the dedication and firmness of the American soldiers fighting to win what they so adamantly desire would have been breathtaking. This period in our country's history was immensely important to the gaining of our independence from the British.”)

Details explain and illustrate why the writer would travel back to the Colonial Era in America. (“Many people, predominantly inclusive of historians and other professions involving the historical aspects of our country and others, would give incomprehensible sums to be able to witness these events, study the people, culture, and time, and meet with our Founding Fathers. As for myself, I would greatly enjoy the opportunity to be able to travel to the same time that these great men and leaders lived. Many of these people are referred to often, and held in high esteem. The chance to witness these events and meet these great people would be the experience of a lifetime that no one should decline.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates an effective introduction. (“As compared to most worldly countries, America is relatively new, and given the limited time period, I had a hard time pinpointing one particular event or decade that I would most enjoy visiting, however, if given the opportunity, I would gladly go and live in the Colonial Era of the United States. There are many ground-breaking and world changing events that happened in this era. For instance, in this time period, settlers of the new land were beginning to consider the possibility of independence. As a result of these decisions, the Revolutionary war began, and American rose to power by defeating the English from Great Britain, creating a new World Power.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or sentences are used well. (“In 1492, Columbus, who was supported by the Spanish, arrived in the islands surrounding America, but it was not until the early 1500s that the American continent was settled. The English explorers came soon thereafter and gained control of the Eastern coast. Because of the distance from the Americas, the English government was hard pressed to maintain control over the colonial citizens. Consequently, the citizens determined amongst themselves to declare independence.”)

The conclusion provides the readers with closure and sums up why the writer would travel back to the

Colonial Era. (“The Colonial Era of the United States is one of the most important and fascinating times in all of the United States' history. This opportunity is the most compelling and exciting things anyone could have hoped for. If everyone could have this great experience the world would be greatly benefited, not only because of the tremendous opportunity, but also because of the amazing chance to observe and learn and gain essential knowledge about our country, its people, and its culture.”)

Language Use & Style

Language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“During this time, many of our Founding Fathers, Benjamin Franklin, George Washington, John Hancock, and many others were working on a Constitution for the United States of America. This Constitution was the basis of our country and would have been the most monumental and inspirational moment of our history to see. I doubt that anyone would oppose the opportunity to witness this great event. However, the war that follows this immense decision is much less desirable.”)

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“Many people, predominantly inclusive of historians and other professions involving the historical aspects of our country and others, would give incomprehensible sums to be able to witness these events, study the people, culture, and time, and meet with our Founding Fathers. As for myself, I would greatly enjoy the opportunity to be able to travel to the same time that these great men and leaders lived.”)

The writer employs good word choices to describe the Colonial period in America. (“In 1492, Columbus, who was supported by the Spanish, arrived in the islands surrounding America, but it was not until the early 1500s that the American continent was settled. The English explorers came soon thereafter and gained control of the Eastern coast. Because of the distance from the Americas, the English government was hard pressed to maintain control over the colonial citizens. Consequently, the citizens determined amongst themselves to declare independence.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement and appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“During this time, many of our Founding Fathers, Benjamin Franklin, George Washington, John Hancock, and many others were working on a Constitution for the United States of America. This Constitution was the basis of our country and would have been the most monumental and inspirational moment of our history to see. I doubt that anyone would oppose the opportunity to witness this great event. However, the war that follows this immense decision is much less desirable.”)

Model Essay

If I were to go back in time to a period of American history, I would go back to the 1960s. The 1960s are important because they contributed lots to the history of our country, including the space program and many other things. Three reasons why I would go back to the 1960s are Rock and Roll music, the space program, and the Vietnam War. These events are very significant in the history of this decade.

Rock and Roll originated in the early 1960s. The taste of music listeners moved from folk singers and to British Invasion, and folk rock. Popular music groups of this time period were The Beatles, Bob Dylan, and Jimi Hendrix. It would have been exciting to see The Beatles play in concert. They represented a shift in the music culture, starting a wave of British acts coming to the U.S. These bands influenced many other music groups to copy their style of music and fashion.

Rock music spread very quickly and was an enormous hit. One musician I would have especially liked to see in concert is Jimi Hendrix. Hendrix was a popular musician and was, in my opinion, one of the best guitarists of all time. I liked him because the sounds of his guitar in his songs are very interesting and original. My favorite song by Hendrix is "Purple Haze."

I would like to have witnessed the first man to walk on the moon, Neil Armstrong. Apollo 11 was the first manned spacecraft to land on the moon. I think it would have been great to witness it taking off and land on the moon. It was a huge advance in the space program of our country. It influenced many other countries to put more effort into their space program too. We owe many of our modern-day conveniences to the scientific discoveries in the space program such as Arpanet, which was the first Internet, fabric for bulletproof vests, Astroturf, and weather satellites.

The Vietnam War was unpopular with the American people. There were a lot of protests and demonstrations in cities and college campuses. One of the reasons the war was so unpopular is because modern television brought live footage of the war to the American homes. Many people also thought that the United States' involvement in the affairs of another country was immoral. I think it would have been interesting to talk to the demonstrators to see why they disagreed with our country's decisions. If the opinions of the demonstrators became public, it could have made an impact on our government's decisions to keep troops in Vietnam.

I think the 1960s contributed a lot to the history of our country. There were many advances in technology and in music. I find the 1960s amusing in how different technology and the interests of people were than they are today.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The thesis statement presents the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view of the writer

adequately. (“Three reasons why I would go back to the 1960s are Rock and Roll music, the space program, and the Vietnam War. These events are very significant in the history of this decade.”)

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The essay is devoted to informing the readers about traveling back to the 1960s. (“Rock music spread very quickly and was an enormous hit. One

musician I would have especially liked to see in concert is Jimi Hendrix. Hendrix was a popular musician and was, in my opinion, one of the best guitarists of all time. I liked him because the sounds of his guitar in his songs are very interesting and original. My favorite song by Hendrix is ‘Purple Haze.’”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“Rock and Roll originated in the early 1960s. The taste of music listeners moved from folk singers and to British Invasion, and folk rock. Popular music groups of this time period were The Beatles, Bob Dylan, and Jimi Hendrix. It would have been exciting to see The Beatles play in concert. They represented a shift in the music culture, starting a wave of British acts coming to the U.S. These bands influenced many other music groups to copy their style of music and fashion.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate. The writer develops ideas adequately by using sufficient details to explain why he/she would travel back to the 1960s.

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“I would like to have witnessed the first man to walk on the moon, Neil Armstrong. Apollo 11 was the first manned spacecraft to land on the moon. I think it would have been great to witness it taking off and land on the moon. It was a huge advance in the space program of our country. It influenced many other countries to put more effort into their space program too. We owe many of our modern-day conveniences to the scientific discoveries in the space program such as Arpanet, which was the first Internet, fabric for bulletproof vests, Astroturf, and weather satellites.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“The Vietnam War was unpopular with the American people. There were a lot of protests and demonstrations in cities and college campuses. One of the reasons the war was so unpopular is because modern television brought live footage of the war to the American homes. Many people also thought that the United States' involvement in the affairs of another country was immoral. I think it would have been interesting to talk to the demonstrators to see why they disagreed with our country's decisions. If the opinions of the

demonstrators became public, it could have made an impact on our government's decisions to keep troops

in Vietnam.”) Providing more specific details would enhance the writer’s descriptions of the Vietnam War.

The writer provides anecdotal examples that are relevant. (“Rock music spread very quickly and was an enormous hit. One musician I would have especially liked to see in concert is Jimi Hendrix. Hendrix was a popular musician and was, in my opinion, one of the best guitarists of all time. I liked him because the sounds of his guitar in his songs are very interesting and original.”)

Organization

The beginning of the essay demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention. (“If I were to go back in time to a period of American history, I would go back to the 1960s. The 1960s are important because they contributed lots to the history of our country, including the space program and many other things. Three reasons why I would go back to the 1960s are Rock and Roll music, the space program, and the Vietnam War. These events are very significant in the history of this decade.”)

Subtle transitions are sometimes used to connect ideas. (“The Vietnam War was unpopular with the American people. There were a lot of protests and demonstrations in cities and college campuses. One of the reasons the war was so unpopular is because modern television brought live footage of the war to the American homes. Many people also thought that the United States' involvement in the affairs of another country was immoral. I think it would have been interesting to talk to the demonstrators to see why they disagreed with our country's decisions.”) The writer should incorporate more transitions to connect the ideas in a more meaningful way.

The writer’s conclusion neglects to summarize the main points of the response and does not leave the readers with too much to think about. However, the readers do gain a sense of closure. The writer should consider enhancing the conclusion with a summary of ideas and attempt to leave the readers with something to think about. (“I think the 1960s contributed a lot to the history of our country. There were many advances in technology and in music. I find the 1960s amusing in how different technology and the interests of people were than they are today.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“Rock and Roll originated in the early 1960s. The taste of music listeners moved from folk singers and to British Invasion, and folk rock. Popular music groups of this time period were The Beatles, Bob Dylan, and Jimi Hendrix. It would have been exciting to see The Beatles play in concert. They represented a shift in the music culture, starting a wave of British acts coming to the

U.S. These bands influenced many other music groups to copy their style of music and fashion.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the response. He/she provides language that

adequately describes Jimi Hendrix to the intended audience. (“Rock music spread very quickly and was an enormous hit. One musician I would have especially liked to see in concert is Jimi Hendrix. Hendrix was a popular musician and was, in my opinion, one of the best guitarists of all time. I liked him because the sounds of his guitar in his songs are very interesting and original. My favorite song by Hendrix is ‘Purple Haze.’”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the essay. (“The Vietnam War was unpopular with the American people. There were a lot of protests and demonstrations in cities

and college campuses. One of the reasons the war was so unpopular is because modern television brought live footage of the war to the American homes. Many people also thought that the United States' involvement in the affairs of another country was immoral. I think it would have been interesting to talk to the demonstrators to see why they disagreed with our country's decisions.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure that sentences have subject-verb agreement, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences begin with capital letters, words are spelled and used correctly, and

paragraphs are indicated with line breaks. (“Popular music groups of this time period were The Beatles, Bob Dylan, and Jimi Hendrix. It would have been exciting to see The Beatles play in concert. They represented a shift in the music culture, starting a wave of British acts coming to the U.S. These bands

influenced many other music groups to copy their style of music and fashion.”)

Model Essay

Having the opportunity to go back in time would be so awesome. If this was to hapen i would have to go back in the time og the Progressive Era. I think this would be the right time for me because the Progressive Era was a time of a lot of government things going on.

One of the reasons of why I would want to be in the time of the Progressive Era would be because wveryone wanted government to be more accountable to its citizens. This would have been much fun because I could have been one of the ones to make this happen. The progressives also wanted government to curb the power and influence of the wealthy interests. Although these are only a few of the main goals and beliefs of the progressives I would have had a great time figuring out how to get all of these things done.

Another reason of why I would have wanted to be in the time of the Progressive Era would be because of the meat inspection act. I would hve loved to catch the meat cutters and get them into trouble with the overnment. Also they would have never been to get away with anything if I would have been one of the people in the group. Another thing about the meat inspection act id that if it would have never been made up we would wtill probably be eating nasty old rotten meat today. There would be so many illnesses to be cured.

The last reason of why I would have wanted to be in the time of the Progressive Era would be because of the reform organizations that they made up. I personaly don't think its fair that they treated everyone that way. For example the hours that they had to work and for only a little bit of pay. Another reform was the one of the socialists that was a great one because of all of the socialism that had to be something to deal with. During the Progressive Era there was also the muchrakers I think that is pretty great because if it weren't for them then the citizens would have thought they were living in a perfect little town only with a messed up government.

These are three reasons of why I would have wanted to be in the time of the Progresive Era. There are many more reasons but these three are the main ones. I still wonder weather it is a good thing or a bad thing that happened by the way things are now i think its a pretty good thing that happened years ago.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the essay. The writer establishes a limited controlling idea and demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she provides limited

descriptions and details that may not give the readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Only some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The essay reveals the controlling idea in a very limited way. (“I think this would be the right time for me because the Progressive Era was a time of a lot of government things going on.”)

The writer’s focus is limited. The writer focuses on why he/she would travel back to the Progressive Era, but the description is limited at best. (“The last reason of why I would have wanted to be in the time of the Progressive Era would be because of the reform organizations that they made up. I personaly don't think its fair that they treated everyone that way. For example the hours that they had to work and for only a little bit of pay. Another reform was the one of the socialists that was a great one because of all of the socialism

that had to be something to deal with.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the essay and should include more meaningful examples to illustrate what the government was like during the Progressive Era. The writer could include details about the president and his accomplishments, which would help readers picture the changes made within the United States government during this time. (“One of the reasons of why I would want to be in the time of

the Progressive Era would be because wveryone wanted government to be more accountable to its citizens. This would have been much fun because I could have been one of the ones to make this happen. The progressives also wanted government to curb the power and influence of the wealthy interests. Although these are only a few of the main goals and beliefs of the progressives I would have had a great time figuring out how to get all of these things done.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The essay develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support why the writer would travel back in time to the Progressive Era.

The essay uses limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“One of the reasons of why I would want to be in the time of the Progressive Era would be because wveryone wanted government to be more accountable to its citizens. This would have been much fun because I could have been one of the ones to make this happen. The progressives also wanted government to curb the power and influence of the wealthy

interests.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. (“Another reason of why I would have wanted to be in the time of the Progressive Era would be because of the meat inspection act. I would hve loved to catch the meat cutters and get them into trouble with the overnment. Also they would have never been to get away with anything if I would have been one of the people in the group. Another thing about the meat inspection act id that if it would have never been made up we would wtill probably be

eating nasty old rotten meat today. There would be so many illnesses to be cured.”)

The explanations and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“The last reason of why I would have wanted to be in the time of the Progressive Era would be because of the reform organizations that they made up. I personaly don't think its fair that they treated everyone that way. For example the hours that they had to work and for only a little bit of pay. Another reform was the one of the socialists that was a great one because of all of the socialism that had to be something to deal with.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a limited introduction. The writer discloses that he/she would like to travel back to the Progressive Era, but with limited background information and descriptive details, the readers struggle to picture this era in their minds. (“Having the opportunity to go back in time would be so awesome. If this was to hapen i would have to go back in the time og the Progressive Era. I think this would be the right time for me because the Progressive Era was a time of a lot of government things going on.”)

Transitions are used between paragraphs and between sentences. (“The last reason of why I would have wanted to be in the time of the Progressive Era would be because of the reform organizations that they made up. I personaly don't think its fair that they treated everyone that way. For example the hours that they had to work and for only a little bit of pay. Another reform was the one of the socialists that was a great one because of all of the socialism that had to be something to deal with.”)

Although the conclusion of the essay provides the readers with a sense of closure, it does not summarize

the main ideas nor leave readers with something to think about. (“These are three reasons of why I would have wanted to be in the time of the Progresive Era. There are many more reasons but these three are the main ones. I still wonder weather it is a good thing or a bad thing that happened by the way things are now i think its a pretty good thing that happened years ago.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited use of language, voice, and style. The essay reveals simple language and word choice, along with some awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, the writer's word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of his/her message.

Some sentences are short. (“These are three reasons of why I would have wanted to be in the time of the Progresive Era. There are many more reasons but these three are the main ones.”) The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the response more interesting to the intended audience.

Oftentimes, the writer uses the same group of words to begin sentences. (“One of the reasons of why I would want to be in the time of the Progressive Era would be because… Another reason of why I would have wanted to be in the time of the Progressive Era would be because… The last reason of why I would have wanted to be in the time of the Progressive Era would be because…”)

The sentences are too informal, and word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively

communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“There are many more reasons but these three are the main ones. I still wonder weather it is a good thing or a bad thing that happened by the way things are now i think its a pretty good thing that happened years ago.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

the main ones. I still wonder weather it is a good thing or a bad thing that happened by the way things are now i think its a pretty good thing that happened years ago.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

Wouldn't it be so nifty to go back in time to the fifties . malt shops diners records and poodle skirts .

and the lingo is just so funny with words like neato and nifty and dandy. Also i just adore movies like dirty dancing havana nights, and little sitcoms like leave it to beaver ,i love lucy , and happy days! So if i could i would definitely go back to the 1950's.

Here's how a typical; day in the fifties for me would go. I'd wake up and get dressed in my poodle skirt and white oxford shirt,and while dressing i9 would put my favorite elvis record on . and i would put my hair in a pony tail with a ribbon to match my skirt then i would go to school . After school I'd go to the movies for 10 cent . then i would come home eat dinner with my parents beaver cleaver style with all the family at the table talking about how good there day was. Afterwards i would watch my favorite episode of i love lucy, then it's off to bed at 7 o'clock.

And of course me and my friends would always go to the diner where the owners no our names and there would be a juke box and we would have the usuals.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay only minimally includes a central/controlling idea. (“Wouldn't it be so nifty to go back in time to the fifties . malt shops diners records and poodle skirts .”) The writer misses the opportunity to elaborate on why they would travel back in time to the 1950s. Providing more details at every turn in a response creates a richly textured message that gives the readers a clear picture of the 1950s.

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give the readers a true sense of the 1950s era being described. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended

audience. (“and the lingo is just so funny with words like neato and nifty and dandy. Also i just adore movies like dirty dancing havana nights, and little sitcoms like leave it to beaver ,i love lucy , and happy days! So if i could i would definitely go back to the 1950's.”)

The writer’s details are minimally developed. (“Here's how a typical; day in the fifties for me would go. I'd wake up and get dressed in my poodle skirt and white oxford shirt,and while dressing i9 would put my favorite elvis record on . and i would put my hair in a pony tail with a ribbon to match my skirt then i

would go to school .”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s thesis statement. (“Also i just adore movies like dirty dancing havana nights, and little sitcoms like leave it to beaver ,i love lucy , and happy days! So if i could i would definitely go back to the 1950's.”)

In the essay, the writer does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“Here's how a typical; day in the fifties for me would go. I'd wake up and get dressed in my poodle skirt and white oxford shirt,and while dressing i9 would put my favorite elvis record on . and i would put my hair in a pony tail with a ribbon to match my skirt then i would go to school . After school I'd go to the movies for 10 cent . then i would come home eat dinner with my parents beaver cleaver style with all the family at the table talking about how good there day was. Afterwards i would watch my favorite episode of i love lucy, then it's off to bed at 7 o'clock.”)

Details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. Details should include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations that give the readers a clear picture of the 1950s. (“And of course me and my friends would always go to the diner where the owners no our names and there would be a juke box and we would have the usuals.”)

Organization

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“Wouldn't it be so nifty to go back in time to the fifties . malt shops diners records and poodle skirts .”)

There is little evidence of transitional devices to help connect ideas. (“and the lingo is just so funny with words like neato and nifty and dandy. Also i just adore movies like dirty dancing havana nights, and little sitcoms like leave it to beaver ,i love lucy , and happy days! So if i could i would definitely go back to the 1950's.”)

The essay does little to include a strong conclusion. (“And of course me and my friends would always go to the diner where the owners no our names and there would be a juke box and we would have the usuals.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentences are short, and in some cases, they are fragmented. (“and the lingo is just so funny with words like neato and nifty and dandy.”)

Words are misused, which can affect meaning. (“After school I'd go to the movies for 10 cent . then i would come home eat dinner with my parents beaver cleaver style with all the family at the table talking about how good there day was.”)

The writer relies on simple sentence structures and word choices. (“And of course me and my friends would always go to the diner where the owners no our names and there would be a juke box and we would have the usuals.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized essay. (“and the lingo is just so funny with words like neato and nifty and dandy. Also i just adore movies like dirty dancing havana nights, and little sitcoms like leave it to beaver ,i love lucy , and happy days! So if i could i would definitely go back to the 1950's.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

If I could go back to the 1940 and 1960 during the Pearl Harbor bombing I coulod do the best I could to keep the attack from happening. On December.7,1941. Japan sent a fleat of 600 plains to destroy the american fleat of U.S. ships. During the attack one of the bomb hit and sunk the U.S.S. Arizona and killed most of the people on the boat there where people being rushed to the hostpital until it over flowed the hostpital with injured people. When all was done for the U.S went to war with japan and fought with eroupe and they went to war with the most advanced military weapons of there time. the war went to the countries of brazil, europe, and china. On the day that we went to war with them there was talk of surrender all over the world, talk of war and killing it flooded the glob. On that same day teddy rosevelt said was I dclair war on japan.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“On December.7,1941. Japan sent a fleat of 600 plains to destroy the american fleat of U.S. ships. During the attack one of the bomb hit and sunk the U.S.S. Arizona and killed most of the people on the boat there where people being rushed to the hostpital until it over flowed the hostpital with injured people.”)

The essay states a central/controlling idea but does not develop it adequately through examples and

descriptive details. (“If I could go back to the 1940 and 1960 during the Pearl Harbor bombing I coulod do the best I could to keep the attack from happening.”)

The essay’s lack of specific details renders the writer’s message ineffective and incomplete. (“When all was done for the U.S went to war with japan and fought with eroupe and they went to war with the most advanced military weapons of there time. the war went to the countries of brazil, europe, and china. On the day that we went to war with them there was talk of surrender all over the world, talk of war and killing it flooded the glob.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer neglects to develop ideas, using little or no details to support why he/she would travel to the 1940s to witness the bombing of Pearl Harbor.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of why the writer would travel back to 1940s. (“If I could go back to the 1940 and 1960 during the Pearl Harbor bombing I coulod do the best I could to keep the attack from happening.”)

This one-paragraph response includes no main ideas in the form of body paragraphs. At least three main ideas should be included as evidence. (“On December.7,1941. Japan sent a fleat of 600 plains to destroy the american fleat of U.S. ships. During the attack one of the bomb hit and sunk the U.S.S. Arizona and killed most of the people on the boat there where people being rushed to the hostpital until it over flowed the hostpital with injured people.”)

Details are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Details could include examples, facts, brief

narratives, or explanations about the 1940s. (“When all was done for the U.S went to war with japan and fought with eroupe and they went to war with the most advanced military weapons of there time. the war went to the countries of brazil, europe, and china. On the day that we went to war with them there was talk of surrender all over the world, talk of war and killing it flooded the glob.”)

Organization

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“If I could go back to the 1940 and 1960 during the Pearl Harbor bombing I coulod do the best I could to keep the attack from happening.”)

The writer attempts to use transitional devices to help connect ideas. (“During the attack one of the bomb hit and sunk the U.S.S. Arizona and killed most of the people on the boat there where people being rushed to the hostpital until it over flowed the hostpital with injured people. When all was done for the U.S went to war with japan and fought with eroupe and they went to war with the most advanced military weapons of

there time.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“On that same day teddy rosevelt said was I dclair war on japan.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer displays incorrect language use throughout the response. (“During the attack one of the bomb hit and sunk the U.S.S. Arizona and killed most of the people on the boat there where people being rushed to the hostpital until it over flowed the hostpital with injured people.”)

Sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended

audience. (“On the day that we went to war with them there was talk of surrender all over the world, talk of war and killing it flooded the glob. On that same day teddy rosevelt said was I dclair war on japan.”)

The writer relies on simple sentences and word choices. (“When all was done for the U.S went to war with japan and fought with eroupe and they went to war with the most advanced military weapons of there

time.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Family plays a valuable role in our lives. Family members are there to provide support and lend a helping hand no matter the circumstance. Do you remember a time when you realized just how important it is to have the support of your family? Did you ever have to depend on a family member for a ride home or emotional encouragement?

In a well-developed essay, describe a time when you realized the importance of family or a time when you depended on a family member.

Model Essay

"I hate you!" These are probably the three most common words teenagers say to their parents. How can they hate someone who loves them so much and only wants the best for them? Sometimes it's hard to see at the time, but your family is the group of people who care about you the most. They will never leave you in times of trouble. They will stick with you through whatever struggles you may face and be your right hand man, assistant, and best friend.

My family's love for me is unconditional. They have been there for me since they day I was born and will continue until I die. I am so blessed to have Christian parents who love and support me no matter what I face. Everyday my mom will tell me she loves me before I go to school. When I was younger, I thought it was embarrassing and stupid. Now days, it's the highlight of my morning. Something as simple as I love you just brings a smile to my face.

In accordance with my family verbally saying they love me, I have an example of a time when they specifically showed me. They reached out with their right hand, picked me up off the floor, dusted me off, and healed my wounds. It all started last year in mid October. I was a member of the volleyball team and was heading into the post-season games. Everyone was extremely excited and couldn't wait to play the big matches that were to come. As it turns out, the post-season quickly became the worst three weeks of my life.

The first week was sectional. I went into the game with a smile, but came away with it upside down. My coach surprised me with letting another girl play my position. She substituted her in for me, and I never saw the floor ever since. I went home crying, and throughout the next two weeks it was all I got accomplished. One of the assistant coaches talked to me after the first week, and explained the reason for what I called nonsense. He mentioned that my attitude was disrespectful and unnecessary. Of course I was upset about not playing in sectional, so therefore my chances of seeing the court in regional or state were slim to none. It just so happens my predictions were correct. I sat on the bench for both regional and state.

During the team's three week winning streak, my parents were the ones who helped me out the most. Their love and support was much needed, and I appreciated it very much! They were my best friends and biggest fans. No matter if I played every single point or none at all, they were cheering for me every step of the way. After the games, they would treat me to dinner, give me a little gift of encouragement, or make me posters for good luck. None of this was needed, simply for the fact I didn't play. The thought of them still giving me treats in spite of the situation was so overwhelming. I couldn't ask for more loving parents and family members. My sister gave me words of encouragement, jokes to make me laugh, and unconditional love. She experienced the same rejection just three years before me, so she knew exactly what I was going through. I still thank her today for everything she did, and for being the reason I still play this year.

I am still a member of the volleyball team this year, my senior year. Our season was great and it is now in the midst of regional week. We won sectional! Oh, and this time I got to play. My parents were even more

excited and took their spirit to the next level. They decorated my room, made posters, and made shirts that say they are my number one fan. They bought me balloons, candy, and other little prizes. I love them so much! Every little thing they do just makes me so happy and blessed. I know that no matter what happens, through the good times and bad, they will never abandon me.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea, demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, completes all parts of the task, and may go beyond the limits of the task.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by very effectively using an engaging quotation. (“"I hate you!" These are probably the three most common words teenagers say to their parents. How can they hate someone who loves them so much and only wants the best for them?”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. (“Sometimes it's hard to see at the time, but your family is the group of people who care about you the most. They will never leave you in times of trouble. They will stick with you through whatever struggles you may face and be your right hand man, assistant, and best friend.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with details about why the writer’s family is important to them. (“Everyday my mom will tell me she loves me before I go to school. When I was younger, I thought it was embarrassing and stupid. Now days, it's the highlight of my morning. Something as simple as I love you just brings a smile to my face.”)

Content & Development

Content and development within the essay are very effective. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details for support.

Relevant points explain and illustrate why the writer’s family is important to them very effectively. (“After the games, they would treat me to dinner, give me a little gift of encouragement, or make me posters for good luck. None of this was needed, simply for the fact I didn't play. The thought of them still giving me treats in spite of the situation was so overwhelming. I couldn't ask for more loving parents and family members.”)

Supporting details develop the example well. (“During the team's three week winning streak, my parents were the ones who helped me out the most. Their love and support was much needed, and I appreciated it very much! They were my best friends and biggest fans. No matter if I played every single point or none at all, they were cheering for me every step of the way.”)

The content in the body paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain the paragraph’s main idea. (“My sister gave me words of encouragement, jokes to make me laugh, and unconditional love. She experienced the same rejection just three years before me, so she knew exactly what I was going through. I still thank her today for everything she did, and for being the reason I still play this year.”)

Organization

There is very effective organization in this informative essay. The response demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, effective use of paragraphing, and effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including an exclamation. (“"I hate you!" These are probably the three most common words teenagers say to their parents. How can they hate someone who loves them so much and only wants the best for them?”)

The introduction includes a very effective sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“Sometimes it's hard to see at the time, but your family is the group of people who care about you the most. They will never leave you in times of trouble. They will stick with you through whatever struggles you may face and be your right hand man, assistant, and best friend.”)

The conclusion very effectively teaches the readers a lesson the writer learned after completing the essay. (“I love them so much! Every little thing they do just makes me so happy and blessed. I know that no matter what happens, through the good times and bad, they will never abandon me.”)

Language Use & Style

Very effective language use and style are apparent in this essay. The writing demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. Well-structured and varied sentences are also used.

Sophisticated language and informative tone are consistent throughout this essay. (“In accordance with my family verbally saying they love me, I have an example of a time when they specifically showed me.”)

(“Everyone was extremely excited and couldn't wait to play the big matches that were to come. As it turns out, the post-season quickly became the worst three weeks of my life…The first week was sectional. I went into the game with a smile, but came away with it upside down.”)

This compound-complex sentence is used effectively. (“After the games, they would treat me to dinner, give me a little gift of encouragement, or make me posters for good luck.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Very effective control of mechanics and conventions is conveyed through this essay. Few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling exist. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb, begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“My sister gave me words of encouragement, jokes to make me laugh, and unconditional love. She experienced the same rejection just

three years before me, so she knew exactly what I was going through.”)

Model Essay

When you walk in the door of our white suburban house, the first thing you see is a faded-yellow sign that reads "mothers of teenagers know why some animals eat their young." Humor is very appreciated in my household and it hits you the moment you enter. After chuckling awkwardly at the slightly offensive message, you can move into the kitchen, where smells of Newman's Own Roasted Garlic spaghetti sauce and saimin (a Hawaiian dish similar to Ramen noodles) fill the cold air. My house is always cold. The sounds you hear probably consist of a Law & Order: SVU rerun, boiling wai (water) in a neglected pot of shell pasta, and laughter. Always laughter. Although only my mom and I live there, you'll probably find enough food for a family of four on the pâkaukau 'aina (Hawaiian for kitchen table). The plates are most likely laying where a pile of clothes once sat, pushed out of the way in a clutter of organized mess, to make room for our meal. This is what I consider to be a typical night in my home. A ritual of simplicity and relaxation at the end of a stressful day.

I can't say that there was ever an exact moment that I realized the importance of my mom. Instead, I've grown to appreciation her la'ahia (devotion) to my life as I've grown up and gained responsibility. Since I was a year old, she's been a single mom, putting my needs before her own. A memory that stands out in my mind is when I was in preschool. I'm allergic to most scented lotions, soaps, and the majority of cleaning supplies and the school I was attending washed the mats we took naps on...in Clorox. WIthin thirty minutes, I was covered in an itchy, red rash. My mother left work (and lost money, which we needed) to deliver medicine to me. I think the fact that my mom, the ONLY breadwinner in our house, would leave her job to make sure I was happy, is amazing.

Not only does my mom put my needs first, she also supports my dreams, desires, and wants. One of my dreams in life is to be an actress. Since I was eleven years old, my mom has been driving me to auditions, commercial shoots, and acting classes. Then, last year I was cast as the lead of Babe in the school play, Crimes of the Heart. Fun for me. Not so much for my mom, who had to pick me up from rehearsals.

Through the months of September and December, she was driving me home Monday through Thursday at 7 o'clock, as well as many Saturdays from ten until four. My mother had to sacrifice any sort of social life for me because there is no one else for us to depend on.

To be honest, I don't think I would be strong at all if it wasn't for my mom. She's gotten me through bad breakups, a best friend's accidental overdose, dying pets, and any other challenge I've faced. Not only does she give me "parental" advice (you know..."Don't have sex or you'll get AIDS and die!") but she's very honest about her own personal experiences. Just living with her my whole life has made me incredibly independent. When my mom was growing up, her mom, my grandmother, suffered from severe depression. Until my mom got married at eighteen, she lived in a house with three siblings...and their alcoholic mom who never got out of bed. She basically raised herself and has always had to do things on her own. When my parents divorced, she was on her own again and we've relied on each other since I was old enough to do anything on my own. Because of this, I am very capable to help myself, which I think is something that not many people can do.

After we finish eating and talking about our day (which typically consists of complaining), we (meaning my mom...I pretend to help.) clean up the kitchen and watch T.V. with our pôpoki (cats). My mom sits on ka hikie'e (the couch), which we've had since I was four, that always smells like Febreeze. I sit on the dark, wood floors, and lean back against the sunken-in white couch. pretty soon its time for bed. We hug and

then I squeeze her really hard and run away so she can't pinch me or something. Then, I go to sleep to be awakened in the morning by my mother, who does everything for me.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are clear to the readers of this essay. The writer establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea, demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes most parts of the task.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by using an engaging statement at the beginning of the introduction. (“When you walk in the door of our white suburban house, the first thing you see is a faded-yellow sign that reads "mothers of teenagers know why some animals eat their young.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea of why the writer’s mother is important to her. (“Since I was eleven years old, my mom has been driving me to auditions, commercial shoots, and acting classes.”)

The writer focuses on the controlling idea, includes details about why the writer’s mother is important, and what a typical night at home with her mother is like. (“Although only my mom and I live there, you'll probably find enough food for a family of four on the pâkaukau 'aina (Hawaiian for kitchen table). The plates are most likely laying where a pile of clothes once sat, pushed out of the way in a clutter of

organized mess, to make room for our meal. This is what I consider to be a typical night in my home. A ritual of simplicity and relaxation at the end of a stressful day.”)

Content & Development

Good content and development are evident in this essay. Ideas are developed clearly and use sufficient, appropriate details for support.

Supporting details develop the example well. (“To be honest, I don't think I would be strong at all if it wasn't for my mom. She's gotten me through bad breakups, a best friend's accidental overdose, dying pets, and any other challenge I've faced. Not only does she give me "parental" advice (you know..."Don't have sex or you'll get AIDS and die!") but she's very honest about her own personal experiences.”)

The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain the paragraph’s main idea. (“A memory that stands out in my mind is when I was in preschool. I'm allergic to most scented lotions, soaps, and the majority of cleaning supplies and the school I was attending washed the mats we took naps on...in Clorox. WIthin thirty minutes, I was covered in an itchy, red rash. My mother left work (and lost money, which we needed) to deliver medicine to me.”)

Specific information about why the writer’s mother is important is developed clearly. (“Through the months of September and December, she was driving me home Monday through Thursday at 7 o'clock, as well as many Saturdays from ten until four. My mother had to sacrifice any sort of social life for me

because there is no one else for us to depend on.”)

Organization

This essay contains good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and consistent use of transitional devices.

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a humorous quotation. (“When you walk in the door of our white suburban house, the first thing you see is a faded-yellow sign that reads "mothers of teenagers know why some animals eat their young." Humor is very appreciated in my household and it hits you the moment you enter.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“Not only does my mom put my needs first, she also supports my dreams, desires, and wants.”)

The conclusion effectively teaches the readers a lesson the writer learned after completing the essay. (“We hug and then I squeeze her really hard and run away so she can't pinch me or something. Then, I go to

sleep to be awakened in the morning by my mother, who does everything for me.”)

Language Use & Style

Good use of language and style is apparent to readers of this essay. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; well-structured sentences with some variety are also seen.

The informative language and personal tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“To be honest, I don't think I would be strong at all if it wasn't for my mom. She's gotten me through bad breakups, a best friend's accidental overdose, dying pets, and any other challenge I've faced. Not only does she give me "parental" advice (you know "Don't have sex or you'll get AIDS and die!") but she's very honest about her own

personal experiences.”)

(“My mother left work (and lost money, which we needed) to deliver medicine to me. I think the fact that

my mom, the ONLY breadwinner in our house, would leave her job to make sure I was happy, is

amazing…Not only does my mom put my needs first, she also supports my dreams, desires, and wants. One of my dreams in life is to be an actress.”)

This complex sentence is used effectively. (“The plates are most likely laying where a pile of clothes once sat, pushed out of the way in a clutter of organized mess, to make room for our meal.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control over the use of mechanics and conventions. A few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling do not interfere with the message. For example, most sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“After chuckling awkwardly at the slightly offensive message, you can move into the kitchen, where smells of Newman's Own Roasted Garlic spaghetti sauce and saimin (a Hawaiian dish similar to Ramen noodles) fill the cold air.”)

Model Essay

Family plays an important role in many peoples lives. We rely on family members for things such as: rides home from school, help with homework, and general support. Without family where would we get those things that we take for granted like somebody to encourage our dreams and tell us that we can be anything that we want? It is our families that do things like that and therefore even though they are often very difficult to get along with, family is important.

I have a decent relationship with my family. Sometimes the exact nature of the relationship is hard to explain because my parents are divorced so the relationship between my family and me is complicated. I get along well with my mother, we rarely fight. My relationship with my father is good too, although I only see him on the weekends. I have a younger brother who is twelve, and my relationship with him is not the best because he is argumentative and difficult to get along with. I have a six-year-old sister who I also get along well with. It is not an outstanding relationship, but it is better than some families have I am sure. My relationship with my family has changed over the years but it has always been decent. My relationship with my grandparents is not great because they are overly judgmental and I don't like people like that, as well as the fact that they are constantly judging me.

I have to depend on my mother everyday, because of softball. I have practices everyday except Sunday so I need a ride to the field and back home. Sometimes I give my friends rides home too and my mom always is willing to do them favors too. I am very grateful for that, and I am sure that my friends are too. My mom always picks me up at whatever field we are playing at and brings my friends home if they need rides and she comes to almost all of my games. If it was not for my mom I wouldn't be able to play softball this year, and that is something I really enjoy doing so I am very glad that my mom is so reliable. I know that she will always help me out with whatever I need. I am glad that I can depend on my family like that.

In conclusion, we depend on our families. There are so many things that I am able to do because of their help and support. Who else would drive be back and forth from softball, take me to the mall, and all the other things that they do for me. Family is often taken for granted, but we shouldn't underestimate its importance. Writing this makes me think of how much we should appreciate our families. They are the ones who give us so much help and support, we should give them the same. They will always love me, and I appreciate that. If your family doesn't support your dreams then you may get discouraged, but if they are there supporting you, then you will probably succeed because even if nobody will admit it, family support is extremely important.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay delivers adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes a controlling idea, demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes many parts of the task.

The thesis states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. (“Family plays an important role in many peoples lives. We rely on family members for things such as: rides home from school, help with homework, and general support. Without family where would we get those things that we take for granted like somebody to encourage our dreams and tell us that we can be anything that we want? It is our families that do things like that and therefore even though they are often very difficult to get along with, family is important.”)

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. (“We rely on family members for things such as: rides home from school, help with homework, and general support. Without family where would we get those things that we take for granted like somebody to encourage our dreams and tell us that we can be anything that we want? It is our families that do things like that and therefore even though they are often

very difficult to get along with, family is important.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“I have a younger brother who is twelve, and my relationship with him is not the best because he is

argumentative and difficult to get along with.”)

Content & Development

Adequate content and development are contained in this essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support.

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“I have to depend on my mother everyday, because of softball. I have practices everyday except Sunday so I need a ride to the field and back home.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. At least three details are stated about each main idea. (“I have to depend on my mother everyday, because of

softball. I have practices everyday except Sunday so I need a ride to the field and back home. Sometimes I give my friends rides home too and my mom always is willing to do them favors too. I am very grateful for that, and I am sure that my friends are too. My mom always picks me up at whatever field we are playing at and brings my friends home if they need rides and she comes to almost all of my games.”)

The essay includes a brief narrative about each of the main ideas. (“My relationship with my family has changed over the years but it has always been decent. My relationship with my grandparents is not great because they are overly judgmental and I don't like people like that, as well as the fact that they are

constantly judging me.”)

Organization

This essay displays adequate organization. The writer demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, inconsistent use of paragraphing, and inconsistent use of transitional devices.

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“Family plays an important role in many peoples lives. We rely on family members for things such as: rides home from school, help with homework, and general support. Without family where would we get those things that we take for granted like somebody to encourage our dreams and tell us that we can be anything that we want? It is our families that do things like that and therefore even though they are often very difficult to get along with, family is important.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. (“I have to depend on my mother everyday, because of softball. I have practices everyday except Sunday so I need a ride to the field and back home. Sometimes I give my friends rides home too and my mom always is willing to do them

favors too.”)

The conclusion adequately teaches the readers a lesson the writer learned after completing the essay. (“In conclusion, we depend on our families. There are so many things that I am able to do because of their help and support. Who else would drive be back and forth from softball, take me to the mall, and all the other things that they do for me. Family is often taken for granted, but we shouldn't underestimate its importance. Writing this makes me think of how much we should appreciate our families. They are the ones who give us so much help and support, we should give them the same. They will always love me, and I appreciate that. If your family doesn't support your dreams then you may get discouraged, but if they are there supporting you, then you will probably succeed because even if nobody will admit it, family support is

extremely important.”)

Language Use & Style

Adequate language use and style are seen in this essay. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, an awareness of audience and control of voice, and generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“There are so many things that I am able to do because of their help and support. Who else would drive be back and forth from softball, take me to the mall, and all the other things that they do for me. Family is often taken for granted, but we shouldn't underestimate its importance.”)

Exact and specific words, like “importance” from the prompt task, are used adequately. (“Family plays an important role in many peoples lives. We rely on family members for things such as: rides home from school, help with homework, and general support. Without family where would we get those things that we take for granted like somebody to encourage our dreams and tell us that we can be anything that we want? It is our families that do things like that and therefore even though they are often very difficult to get along with, family is important.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor; for example, the word “relationship” is repeated in the same paragraph. (“I have a decent relationship with my family. Sometimes the exact nature of the relationship is hard to explain because my parents are divorced so the relationship between my family and me is complicated. I get along well with my mother, we rarely fight. My relationship with my father is good too, although I only see him on the weekends. I have a younger brother who is twelve, and my relationship with him is not the best because he is argumentative and difficult to get along with.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates adequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb (action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“My mom always picks me up at whatever field we are playing at and brings my friends home if they need rides and she comes to almost all of my games. If it was not for my mom I wouldn't be able to play softball this year, and that is something I really enjoy doing so I am very

glad that my mom is so reliable.”)

Model Essay

Hi, my name is Jennifer I will be talking to you about my family. On how family is important to me and how I depend them. Family always comes through when you need them.

My mother I can depend on her because she helps me through it all. When I get in trouble I can count on her to talk to me about the bad times. Some times I have good times too. The times I have good times my mother and family we laugh and my mother always makes me laugh. Through my tough times, my mother comes and talk to me she would always give me a word of encouragement. When troubles seem like that just won't go away, always look to God. She also tells me to pick my head up and put a smile on my face situation go to get better.

I know I can count on all my sisters. I can depend on my older sisters to talk to me about anything. They talk to me about fighting with others. When I argue with my family it is hard to get out of it when I get mad I call my sisters because I know they can talk to me and help me through that situation. Now, peer pressure they always tell me to avoid peer pressure and they gave me some tips on how to avoid it. There are some days of sad times I can depend on my sisters to come through. When I am sad my sisters make me happy by telling me something good.

Now, my aunt she also helps me through it all too. When we have death in the family I don't talk to any one for a least a week. My aunt is a nice women I go to her and talk about it with her. Well, my aunt is always tell me to help out with my family like rules and regulations. She told me to be the bigger sister and help clean up and do all my chores by helping mom out. For a word of advice I go to her for good advice. She gives I advice about God. She told If you pray God will make away and she always tells me to read the bible and pray everyday and ask the Lord for help.

All I can say about my family is they are Great. When, need anything you can depend on family all the way. All my family members are important to me. They comes second on my pray list don't put anything before God and your Family

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay has limited focus and meaning. The writer establishes a controlling idea, but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience and only completes some parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“My mother I can depend on her because she helps me through it all. When I get in trouble I can count on her to talk to me about the bad times. Some times I have good times too.”)

The writing style is not always appropriate for the audience. (“When we have death in the family I don't talk to any one for a least a week. My aunt is a nice women I go to her and talk about it with her.”)

In the introduction, only a limited supporting idea of the essay is stated. (“Hi, my name is Jennifer I will be talking to you about my family. On how family is important to me and how I depend them. Family always comes through when you need them.”)

Content & Development

There is limited content and development in this essay. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support ideas about the importance of the writer’s family.

The essay includes a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“I know I can count on all my sisters. I can depend on my older sisters to talk to me about anything. They talk to me about fighting with others. When I argue with my family it is hard to get out of it when I get mad I call my sisters because I know they can talk to me and help me through that situation.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support your thesis. (“My mother I can depend on her because she helps me through it all. When I get in trouble I can count on her to talk to me about the bad times. Some times I have good times too. The times I have good times my mother and family we laugh and my mother always makes me laugh.”)

The writer does not include relevant points that explain and illustrate why family is important. (“There are some days of sad times I can depend on my sisters to come through. When I am sad my sisters make me happy by telling me something good.”)

Organization

Limited organization is apparent in this essay. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion and lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices.

The introduction attempts to include a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“Hi, my name is Jennifer I will be talking to you about my family. On how family is important to me and how I depend them. Family always comes through when you need them”)

There is some evidence of transitional devices to help connect ideas. (“Now, my aunt she also helps me through it all too.”)

The conclusion attempts to leave readers with something to think about; for example, how important family is to the writer. (“All I can say about my family is they are Great. When, need anything you can depend on family all the way. All my family members are important to me. They comes second on my pray list don't put anything before God and your Family.”)

Language Use & Style

Limited language use and style are shown in this essay. The writer uses simple language and word choice, shows some awareness of audience and control of voice, and relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

Sentence lengths are short. (“I know I can count on all my sisters. I can depend on my older sisters to talk to me about anything. They talk to me about fighting with others.”)

There is repetition. (“I know I can count on all my sisters. I can depend on my older sisters to talk to me about anything… I can depend on my sisters to come through.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“All I can say about my family is they are Great. When, need anything you can depend on family all the way. All my family members are important to me.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Limited control of mechanics and conventions can be detected in this essay. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message. For example, each sentence should have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end

with a punctuation mark. (“All I can say about my family is they are Great. When, need anything you can depend on family all the way. All my family members are important to me. They comes second on my pray list don't put anything before God and your Family”)

Model Essay

I think that a family is very important. I plan on telling you the reasons that I think that it is so important.

First, I think that it is important because they can drive you places that you want to go to. Such as birthday parties and other special events like sports. Also in school they can help you with projects and other things like that.

Seconed, I think that they can help you with skiing or any other activity. Not only can they help you learn it but pay for it and get it all set up. Don't forget that they even drive you down there in the first place.

Last but not least, there are brothers. If none of your friends are avaiable or you can't have them over or whatever the cause, you still have your brothers. You can just hang out with them or if you want you can play a game.

I just told you three reasons why a family is so important. So I hope that you agree.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay displays minimal focus and meaning. The writer suggests a controlling idea, but demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and completes few parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“If none of your friends are avaiable or you can't have them over or whatever the

cause, you still have your brothers. You can just hang out with them or if you want you can play a game.”)

In the introduction, the supporting idea of the essay is not stated. (“I think that a family is very important. I plan on telling you the reasons that I think that it is so important.”)

The writing style is not appropriate for the audience. (“I just told you three reasons why a family is so important. So I hope that you agree.”)

Content & Development

This essay has minimal content and development. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support ideas.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. (“Also in school they can help you with projects and other things like that.”)

Details are minimally used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Not only can they help you learn it but pay for it and get it all set up. Don't forget that they even drive you down there in the first place.”)

Important details, like facts and explanations, are needed to expand upon and illustrate each main idea. (“Also in school they can help you with projects and other things like that.”)

Organization

Minimal organization is apparent in this essay. It demonstrates little evidence of structure, a poor introduction and conclusion, and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“I think that a family is very important. I plan on telling you the reasons that I think that it is so important.”)

There is little evidence of transitional devices to help connect ideas. (“First, I think that it is important because they can drive you places that you want to go to. Such as birthday parties and other special events like sports.”)

The conclusion does little to summarize the main points of the essay. (“I just told you three reasons why a family is so important. So I hope that you agree.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style throughout the essay is minimal. The writing shows poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentence lengths are short. (“I think that a family is very important. I plan on telling you the reasons that I think that it is so important.”)

The essay should include more varied and appropriate transitions instead of “first,” “second,” and so on. (“First, I think that it is important because they can drive you places that you want to go to.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“Last but not least, there are brothers.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Minimal control of mechanics and conventions can be detected in this short piece of writing. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an

action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“Last but not least, there are brothers. If none of your friends are avaiable or you can't have them over or whatever the cause, you still have your brothers. You can just hang out with them or if you want you can play a game.”)

Model Essay

I realized how important my mom was to me becuase shes takes me places and sometimes shes aks me to help her with stuff sometimes becuase she be tired and sometime i dont fell like doing. and then ask mom or my dad to take me places like to the store anthings i need. but sometimes they cant do it. and since i was little my took care of me long tome and they support mefor years and then one day i had homework. And that help me alot and and i will learn of that . and some of my other famliy do not give me sopport sometimes they dont like to come over to vist becuase they dont like they lazy and boring sometimes.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of this essay are inadequate. The writer fails to establish a controlling idea and demonstrates no understanding of the purpose and audience. No parts of the task are completed.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“And that help me alot and and i will learn of that”)

The essay does not state the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“I realized how important my mom was to me becuase shes takes me places and sometimes shes aks me to help her with stuff sometimes becuase she be tired and sometime i dont fell like doing.”)

In the introduction, the supporting idea of the essay is not stated. (“I realized how important my mom was to me becuase shes takes me places and sometimes shes aks me to help her with stuff sometimes becuase she be tired and sometime i dont fell like doing.”)

Content & Development

This essay contains inadequate content and development. It fails to develop ideas, using no details for support.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“and then ask mom or my dad to take me places like to the store anthings i need. but sometimes they cant do it”)

At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. (“I realized how important my mom was to me becuase shes takes me places and sometimes shes aks me to help her with stuff sometimes becuase she be tired and sometime i dont fell like doing.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the

evidence. (“And that help me alot and and i will learn of that . and some of my other famliy do not give me sopport sometimes they dont like to come over to vist becuase they dont like they lazy and boring

sometimes.”)

Organization

This essay has inadequate organization. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure, no introduction or conclusion, and no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“I realized how important my mom was to me becuase shes takes me places and sometimes shes aks me to help her with stuff sometimes becuase she be tired and sometime i dont fell like doing”)

Transitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“and then ask mom or my dad to take me places like to the store anthings i need. but sometimes they cant do it.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“and some of my other famliy do not give me sopport sometimes they dont like to come over to vist becuase they dont like they lazy and boring sometimes.”)

Language Use & Style

This brief essay uses inadequate language and style. The writing demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“I realized how important my mom was to me becuase shes takes me places and sometimes shes aks me to help her with stuff sometimes becuase she be tired and sometime i dont fell like doing.”)

The writer uses the same group of words to begin two sentences in the paragraph. (“and then ask mom or my dad to take me places like to the store anthings i need. but sometimes they cant do it. and since i was

little my took care of me long tome and they support mefor years and then one day i had homework.”)

The writer should use more varied and appropriate transitions. (“And that help me alot and and i will learn of that . and some of my other famliy do not give me sopport sometimes they dont like to come over to vist becuase they dont like they lazy and boring sometimes.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Inadequate control of mechanics and conventions are detected in this brief piece of writing. Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action),

begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“I realized how important my mom was to me becuase shes takes me places and sometimes shes aks me to help her with stuff sometimes becuase she be tired and sometime i dont fell like doing. and then ask mom or my dad to take me places like to the store anthings i need. but sometimes they cant do it. and since i was little my took care of me long tome and they support mefor years and then one day i had homework. Andthat help me alot and and i will learn of that . and some of my other famliy do not give me sopport sometimes they dont like to come over to vist becuase they dont like they lazy and boring sometimes.”)

Have you ever noticed that music can affect people's mood? Happy songs, lively songs, and sad songs all give people different feelings or set different moods. Suppose you could choose the background music for your homeroom or another room at school. What music would you choose, and why? Would you change the music for different times of day or days of the week? Write an essay describing the background music you would choose for your homeroom or another room at school. Tell what the music is like and why you would choose that music.

Model Essay

Music is an important aspect of many peoples' lives. It is a reflection of one's emotions, feelings, and interests. It has the power to make one angry or upset, and it also has the power to uplift someone and inspire them. Music in schools should focus on the latter, aiming to entertain students while motivating and encouraging them to do their best in school and in life. However, music should rarely be played during class time, especially during quizzes and tests, as it is distracting for many students. It should be played before first period, between periods, at lunch, and after last period. Music in the morning should include upbeat jazz and classical music. During lunch hours and in between midday classes, rock-and-roll should be played. At the end of the day, slow jazz or blues would be good selections. Songs with explicit lyrics and themes of death, destruction, or serious emotional distress should not be permitted.

Music in the morning should have a focus on upbeat jazz and classical. Before and in between morning classes, jazz is a good type of music to play because its exciting rhythms and entertaining instrumental solos will help to wake students up in the early morning hours. It will also liven their spirits so they are ready to start a new day. Furthermore, jazz is a universal music, and it is the background of many musical styles today. Consequently, the majority of students would enjoy it. Classical music should also be played in the morning. It has been proven that the complex note patterns and variations in tempo and volume of classical music help to stimulate the brain's ability to recognize patterns, harmonies and sequences mathematically. This is why classical music has been linked scientifically to intellectuals. Therefore, classical music will spark students' minds and prepare them academically for the day. A combination of upbeat jazz and classical music in the morning would help to prepare students physically and academically for the school day.

During lunch hours and in between midday classes, rock-and-roll should be played. Rock-and-roll is a very popular musical style, so it would be liked by many students. It is the type of music that one can listen to and clear one's mind. At lunch, students should relax and enjoy their break from the trials and tribunals of the everlasting school day. It will refresh students so they are ready to begin the second half of the day.

Since lunch is a time for relaxation, rock would be a perfect type of music to play.

At the end of the school day, slow jazz or blues would be good selections to play for the students. Students will be beginning to get anxious and jumpy waiting for school to come to a close. When it does, students will be rushing to get on the bus or in their car to drive home as fast as they can. Slow jazz and blues would help to calm the students' nerves so that they can focus for the remaining hours of the day and at the end of the day. The music's slower tempos and often minor keys with put a damper on the wired emotions of the students and help for them to think clearly.

Music can have a great influence on students when played throughout the school day. However, music should rarely be played during class time, especially during quizzes and tests, as it is distracting for many students. Students who want to listen to music in these cases may opt to bring personal CD players and listen to school-approved music. Songs with curse words and themes of death, destruction, or serious emotional distress should not be allowed. Music in the morning should include upbeat jazz and classical

music to prepare the students for the day physically and academically. During lunch hours and in between midday classes, rock-and-roll should be played to clear the minds of the students and refresh them for the rest of the day. Finally, at the end of the school day, slow jazz or blues are good types to choose as they would calm the students' nerves and emotions in order for them to focus. Music would help to control the students while making the school day enjoyable enough so that they will work towards their full academic potential.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay develops and maintains focus on an interesting plan for implementing music in school (“Music in the morning should include upbeat jazz and classical music. During lunch hours and in between midday classes, rock-and-roll should be played. At the end of the day, slow jazz or blues would be good

selections”). The author demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience of this prompt and goes beyond the limits of the task.

Content & Development

In this essay, the author argues that music should be played at different times during the day not just for

entertainment purposes, but rather to impact the mood of the student body (“Classical music should also be played in the morning. It has been proven that the complex note patterns and variations in tempo and volume of classical music help to stimulate the brain's ability to recognize patterns, harmonies and sequences mathematically. This is why classical music has been linked scientifically to intellectuals.

Therefore, classical music will spark students' minds and prepare them academically for the day”). This line of reasoning is sophisticated and described in detail in each of the body paragraphs.

Organization

This essay displays a solid, logical organizational structure. The introduction clearly states the reasoning that underlies the author’s feeling about playing music in school (“it also has the power to uplift someone

and inspire them. Music in schools should focus on the latter, aiming to entertain students while motivating and encouraging them to do their best in school and in life”), as does the conclusion (“However, music should rarely be played during class time, especially during quizzes and tests, as it is distracting for many

students. ”). Each body paragraph is tightly focused on one aspect of the author’s argument and flows chronologically.

Language Use & Style

The author’s language style very effectively addresses the intended audience (“Slow jazz and blues would help to calm the students' nerves so that they can focus for the remaining hours of the day and at the end of the day. The music's slower tempos and often minor keys with put a damper on the wired emotions of the students and help for them to think clearly”). The word choice is precise and artful and the sentences are well structured and varied.

Mechanics & Conventions

The student demonstrates very effective control of the conventions and mechanics of standard written English. Although a few errors in grammar (“The music's slower tempos and often minor keys with put a

damper”), mechanics, punctuation, and spelling (“the trials and tribunals of the everlasting school day”) can be detected, they do not interfere with the author’s intended message.

Model Essay

During the course of the school day, the students (myself included) feel worn-out and tired. Perhaps it's the early schedule or the eighty-minute blocks. One solution for this monumental problem of depressing school days is a daily musical selection. If music was played every day with different genres for different blocks, the students might be positively charged for learning.

The beginning of a dreary, seven-hour day must begin with some style. Perhaps one of Beethoven's symphonies or some Sebastian Bach. These smoothing classical numbers would reflect the feelings of a bleak morning; yet, they'd also calm the nerves with their beautifully-crafted musical numbers.

As the day drags on, a more modern selection would set the mood for second block. A good suggestion would have to be something catchy like Dave Matthews Band. The relaxing lyrics and gentle melodies would serve as a perfect soundtrack as the day goes on.

For the third block, catchy disco with it's strong beat and rhythmic percussion would pose as a terrific reminder that the school day is about half over. Also, a little classic rock from "Led Zeppelin" or "Aerosmith" with specifically uplifting lyrics would give students the enthusiasm needed to conquer the day.

Fourth block would go back to the same classical symphonies of first block in order to calm the students down. More Beethoven would easily relax the students and tell them that there is only one more block left in the day. The students must remain cool and relaxed during this block and classical music is just the way to do it.

The final block would be the most interesting selection. A little background "heavy metal" or "punk rock" would be suitable for an ending to a painfully-long day. Although the best choice is to just have that music play during the last ten minutes of class so that it would not provoke any "disruptions" during the regular class schedule.

Even though this plan for a musical school day would be both heavily favored and heavily opposed, a solution can easily be reached. Every Friday would be an "all-request" Friday, students would be able to vote during the week as to what music they'd like to hear on Friday. Of course, certain music would have to be a "must" for certain classes. "Eye of the Tiger" would be the best suggestion for all Physical Education classes. Also, lunch periods just wouldn't be the same without Duran Duran's "Hungry Like the Wolf."

To sum up this theory, students would be positively charged for an exciting and dynamic taste of musical variety. There might even be a chance that grades would improve. Teachers could punish students by requesting that music not be played during their specific courses. Eventually, even the students with the most eclectic taste in music would find this solution much more enjoyable than the so-called, "daily grind."

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay strongly communicates the author’s message to the intended audience. The author thoroughly describes the controlling idea, which is detailed and thoughtful (“One solution for this monumental problem of depressing school days is a daily musical selection. If music was played every day with

different genres for different blocks, the students might be positively charged for learning.”). Profoundly addressing this task, the author completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

In a well-reasoned manner, the author presents the reader with a plan for musical selections that would change during the day in order to achieve a specific goal (“To sum up this theory, students would be positively charged for an exciting and dynamic taste of musical variety”). A variety of sufficient

appropriate details are used to support each type of music recommended (“The beginning of a dreary, seven-hour day must begin with some style”).

Organization

This essay displays very good organization. An engaging introduction (“One solution for this monumental problem of depressing school days is a daily musical selection”) initiates the essay, and a strong

conclusion (“Eventually, even the students with the most eclectic taste in music would find this solution much more enjoyable than the so-called, “daily grind”) ends it. The body paragraphs are in order chronologically, and the second to last paragraph is used to address the concerns of students who may not agree with the author’s plan (“Every Friday would be an "all-request" Friday, students would be able to vote during the week as to what music they'd like to hear on Friday”).

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is more than appropriate for this task; it strikes the reader as being quite sophisticated (“These smoothing classical numbers would reflect the feelings of a bleak morning; yet, they'd also calm the nerves with their beautifully-crafted musical numbers”) and properly addressed to the audience. Deft word choice and well-structured sentences characterize this author’s style.

Mechanics & Conventions

Virtually error free, this essay illustrates the author’s good control of the conventions and mechanics of writing and admits few mistakes in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling.

Model Essay

Energetic, lively, and happy all descibe my favorite teacher. I would have to put some Christina Agulara in his room. Her music is energetic, lively, and happy, this music would just brighten up his day, and set a great learning environment. This music is a great influence. It has no vulgar language or sexual inuendos.

First, her music is very energetic. When you listen to Christina, you just want to get up and dance. This music puts in in a great mood and is so inspiring. Most music is about killing yourself or killing someone else but her music is different. She basically sings about love or being indepdent or having fun with your friends. She doesn't bring you down through her music.

Second, her music would brighten up his day. If he woke up and had a bad morning he would most likely come to school and be a grump. No student wants to have to listen to a grumpy teacher. Most teachers take their anger out on the students or their anger reflects in their everyday teachings. Students have their own problems to deal with, it isn't like they want to come to school and deal with a teacher's problems.

Finally, the music would set a great learning environment. If you have positive music, then you will have a positive way of learning. If you were listening to trash music then you would most likely ahve a trashy way of learning. Some kids reflect from the kind of music they listen to. If you listen to swear words or bad things then you most likely will use them in you lifetime. If you are listening to great music and having a great time you are going to want to learn.

In conclusion, I would put Christina Agulara in the classroom. Her music is lively, energetic, and happy, wouldd brighten up your day, and set a great learning environment. Mr.

would be overwhelmed if he had this music playing in his class room.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Overall, this response adequately communicates a complete message to the desired audience. The author successfully establishes and maintains a controlling idea (“Energetic, lively, and happy all descibe my favorite teacher. I would have to put some Christina Agulara in his room”), demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task, and completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

This author uses sufficient details to support the central thesis. Three reasons to support the selection of music are suggested in the introductory paragraph (“Her music is energetic, lively, and happy, this music would just brighten up his day, and set a great learning environment”) and then detailed in individual body paragraphs in the essay.

Organization

This response demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion and logically organized body paragraphs. Simple transitional devices (“First … Second … Finally … In

conclusion”) clearly guide the reader through the essay.

Language Use & Style

This author’s style of language is appropriate for this type of essay and the audience (“her music would brighten up his day. If he woke up and had a bad morning he would most likely come to school and be a grump. No student wants to have to listen to a grumpy teacher”). The author generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

Mechanics & Conventions

This response demonstrates adequate control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Some errors in grammar, mechanics (“Some kids reflect from the kind of music they listen to”), punctuation, and spelling (“descibe”) are present, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Model Essay

If I could choose the background music for my homeroom it would be rap because Its my favorite kind of music and the majority of kids are more into rap than other kind's of music like rock and metal because rap is just much better. The song that I would choose would be a rap song. I think that music does really changes a person mood depending the song and what kind of music it is. I think it really is true because sometimes when I'm in a mad mood I listen to rap It makes me fell much better because I concentrate on the music, and not what I'm mad at. So pretty much I would choose rap for the homeroom background because most of the class would be happy with my choice because most people like rap than any other kind of music.

I would also change the music at different times of the day because a same sond gets boring after a while. I would probably change it to hip-hop. So i'll play rap in the morning and hip-hop in the afternoon. I'll also

see if the music does really change other people's mood, I already said it was true because it changes my mood when I'm either happy or mad. Sometimes I feel happy and my favorite song just makes me feel much better. Also when Im mad I listen to a song that is played out and I get even madder.

In conclusion I prefer rap over rock and metal and rap is the music that i'll choose as my homeroom background music. I prefer rap over rock and metal because rap is just much better and it has a better beat. Rap also has way more better artist than rock and metal like 2-pac. 2-pac changes the mood that im in because he raps aboutlife and how it relates to us. The song that I'll choose is 2-pac "me against the world" because I think that that song does changes people's feelings. The reason why is because it talks about you and the world and depending on the person their mood changes.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This author is partially successful at communicating a complete message to the intended audience. Focus is maintained on a controlling idea (“So pretty much I would choose rap for the homeroom background”), although the author only provides light support for this idea. Ultimately, the author partially completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

This author provides a limited amount of detail to support the central thesis. The reasons offered by the

author to support the choice of music are brief and simple (“I prefer rap over rock and metal because rap is just much better and it has a better beat”). Notice, though, that this author does address the question of whether the musical selection would have to change during the course of the day (“I would also change the music at different times of the day because a same sond gets boring after a while”).

Organization

This essay does demonstrate evidence of a simple structure. A separate introduction, body paragraph, and conclusion can be detected. Some transitional devices are used to help the reader flow through the essay (“In conclusion I prefer rap over rock and metal”).

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is simple and sometimes repetitive (“I'll also see if the music does really change other people's mood, I already said it was true because it changes my mood”). There is some awareness of the audience and control of voice. Overall, the author relies on simple, awkward sentences

(“If I could choose the background music for my homeroom it would be rap because Its my favorite kind of music and the majority of kids are more into rap than other kind's of music like rock and metal because rap is just much better” and “Rap also has way more better artist than rock and metal like 2-pac”) with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

Mechanics & Conventions

This author displays limited control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Many noticeable errors

in grammar, mechanics (“I think that music does really changes a person mood”), punctuation, and spelling (“sond”) interfere with the communication of the message and the flow of the essay.

Model Essay

I would choose heavy metal because it is very good music. It has so many different feelings and emotions. It can show sorrow or anger. So no matter what mood your in the song seems to explain how you feel. Most every kid would enjoy listening to heavy metal all day. It may increase their learning abilitys thinking back into a certain part in the song and what they learned at that moment. So heavy metal would be a good choice of mmusic to play in the classrooms.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response is limited in its ability to accurately inform the reader of the writer’s position. While it suggests a controlling idea (“I would choose heavy metal because it is very good music”), the author is unable to adequately elaborate on this idea and thus completes few parts of the task.

Content & Development

In this essay, the author attempts to inform the reader about a type of music that could be played in school. Some details are provided about this choice (“It has so many different feelings and emotions. It can show sorrow or anger”), but they are incomplete and inadequate. No information is provided, for example, to describe what this music is like and how it would “increase their learning abilitys.”

Organization

Providing only one paragraph, it is difficult for the author to establish a unified structure. Introductory and concluding remarks (“So heavy metal would be a good choice of mmusic to play in the classrooms”) can be found in this one paragraph, but there is no evidence of transitional devices or a body of supporting examples.

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is simple and shows little awareness of the audience. Basic errors in

sentence structure (“It may increase their learning abilitys thinking back into a certain part in the song and what they learned at that moment”), word choice (“what mood your in”), and usage further detract from the author’s attempt to effectively inform the reader.

Mechanics & Conventions

In this response, the author maintains some control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling (“mmusic”) clearly interfere with the communication of the message.

Model Essay

i will pick r&b because that music get you in the move and that channel also play ever thing it play alot of songs thats the reason why i will pick r&b and another reason why is that i will like rap and yes i will play it in the home roooms because ever bogy like r&b that is the reason why i will pick r&b

you said why i would but it in the thing because i like it so much and that is the reason why i would pick it

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response inadequately communicates a complete message to the intended audience. Unable to establish or focus on a controlling idea, the author demonstrates no understanding of purpose of this prompt and completes no parts of the task.

Content & Development

No details have been supplied to support the author’s position. The author’s reasoning is confused and fails to adequately inform the reader (“that channel also play ever thing it play alot of songs thats the reason why i will pick r&b and another reason why is that i will like rap”).

Organization

No reasonable organizational scheme can be detected in this response. While two paragraphs appear to have been provided, this division fails to organize the author’s argument. The second sentence could be interpreted as a concluding sentence, and some parts of the first paragraph could be interpreted as introductory comments. No transitional devices are used by the writer to help the reader flow through the essay.

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is simple, unclear, and sometimes incoherent (“i will pick r&b because that music get you in the move”). Major errors in sentence structure, word choice, and usage further detract from the presentation of this essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

This author shows almost no ability to control the conventions and mechanics of writing. For example, no punctuation marks have been used in this piece of writing. The major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling (“roooms”) significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

In many science fiction movies and television shows, there are futuristic ideas and inventions that we do not have now, but one day hope to enjoy. The idea for cell phones, spaceships, cloning, televisions, and laser tools and weapons existed in science fiction well before their actual creation. In all probability, many of the ideas that are now in movies and television shows will one day be in actual use.

In a detailed essay, describe an invention that you have seen in a movie or television show that you would like to see become reality. Include how its overall use will be beneficial for everyone.

Model Essay

An impressive, futuristic invention that I have seen in a movie is the metallic crimson and golden Iron Man suit. Its many features are incorporated into an array of modern day inventions such as the jetpack, cell phones, computers, small military vehicles and even new weaponry. What makes the Iron man suit so extraordinary is the combination of all these and much more. With its superior technologies, one could surpass jet speed, punch holes in solid steel, withstand extreme temperatures, and even access the Internet while wearing it. The only major disincentive is the monstrous price to acquire one, ranging in the billions.

One of the more noteworthy features of the armor is its outstanding resiliency. It was originally engineered to be exceptional for delivering and absorbing vast amounts of damage. The armor's namesake, "Iron Man," is technically inaccurate. As mentioned in the movie, it actually consists of titanium alloy, which is significantly stronger, and lighter, than iron. This lightweight material provides incredible durability without compromising speed. It is impermeable to electric shock, fire and water, as well as virtually any firearm munitions. Wearers will also be granted superhuman strength. Herculean tasks such as lifting cars could be accomplished with ease.

Another remarkable feature, and perhaps my favorite, is its ability to fly. An advanced thruster system built into the hands and feet allows for temporary high-speed flight and stable hovering. Successful flying requires a substantial supply of energy, drawn from a miniature Arc reactor fixed into the breastplate.

Energy is channeled into the boot thrusters, via voice command, and jet propulsion accelerates the wearer skyward at a controlled rate. If I were to possess one of these suits, I would definitely take advantage of its aerial capabilities. Anyone would remain warm, even in the harsh winter, while flying to work or to school. Automobiles would likely become obsolete with the advent of flying suits. The suit may even inspire the production of flying cars.

The Iron Man suit would indeed benefit the nation, but I believe it should only fall into the hands of responsible buyers. Its technology could easily be used for selfish, greedy purposes. For this reason, the military and police force would make exceptional candidates for the suit. Crime rates would reduce rapidly worldwide. Entire wars would even cease, including skirmishes in Afghanistan and Iraq. Contrarily, if suits were supplied to terrorist organizations (or, similar criminally inclined groups) quite the opposite would occur. Many innocent people could fall victim to its arsenal of destructive weaponry. I suppose the extremely wealthy could also purchase the armor, considering it cost billions of dollars to produce in the movie. Unfortunately, its ridiculously high price tag ensures that I will never have the satisfaction of owning one.

Needless to say, this fine piece of fictional technology would change the world as we know it. I'm assuming that the Iron Man suit, or a very similar model, can possibly be a reality sometime within the next fifty years. Many of today's inventions hint at the creation of a flying, multi-purpose suit of armor, but it would certainly come at an expense only a handful of individuals can afford. Supplied to the right people, such a

creation could give rise to the dawn of world peace. National conflict would surely end, thus benefiting everyone in the end.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience. He/she effectively completes all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task. Notably, the writer leaves readers with a clear picture of the science fiction invention that could potentially become a reality.

The writer’s introduction engages the readers’ attention by highlighting the features of the Iron Man suit. (“An impressive, futuristic invention that I have seen in a movie is the metallic crimson and golden Iron Man suit. Its many features are incorporated into an array of modern day inventions such as the jetpack, cell phones, computers, small military vehicles and even new weaponry. What makes the Iron man suit so extraordinary is the combination of all these and much more. With its superior technologies, one could surpass jet speed, punch holes in solid steel, withstand extreme temperatures, and even access the Internet while wearing it. The only major disincentive is the monstrous price to acquire one, ranging in the billions.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. (“One of the more noteworthy features of the armor is its outstanding resiliency. It was originally engineered to be exceptional for delivering and absorbing vast amounts of damage. The armor's namesake, ‘Iron Man,’ is technically inaccurate. As mentioned in the movie, it actually consists of titanium alloy, which is significantly stronger, and lighter, than iron. This lightweight material provides incredible durability without compromising speed. It is impermeable to electric shock, fire and water, as well as virtually any firearm munitions. Wearers will also be granted superhuman strength. Herculean tasks such as lifting cars could be accomplished with

ease.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“The Iron Man suit would indeed benefit the nation, but I believe it should only fall into the hands of responsible buyers. Its technology could easily be used for selfish, greedy purposes. For this reason, the military and police force would make exceptional candidates for the suit. Crime rates would reduce rapidly worldwide. Entire wars would even cease, including skirmishes in Afghanistan and Iraq. Contrarily, if suits were supplied to terrorist organizations (or, similar criminally inclined groups) quite the opposite would occur.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully, using a wide variety of appropriate details to support ideas.

Relevant points explain and illustrate the potential benefits of the science fiction invention, the Iron Man suit, very effectively. (“The Iron Man suit would indeed benefit the nation, but I believe it should only fall into the hands of responsible buyers. Its technology could easily be used for selfish, greedy purposes. For this reason, the military and police force would make exceptional candidates for the suit. Crime rates would reduce rapidly worldwide. Entire wars would even cease, including skirmishes in Afghanistan and Iraq.

Contrarily, if suits were supplied to terrorist organizations (or, similar criminally inclined groups) quite the opposite would occur. Many innocent people could fall victim to its arsenal of destructive weaponry. I suppose the extremely wealthy could also purchase the armor, considering it cost billions of dollars to produce in the movie. Unfortunately, its ridiculously high price tag ensures that I will never have the

satisfaction of owning one.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (“One of the more noteworthy features of the armor is its outstanding resiliency. It was originally engineered to be exceptional for delivering and

absorbing vast amounts of damage. The armor's namesake, ‘Iron Man,’ is technically inaccurate. As mentioned in the movie, it actually consists of titanium alloy, which is significantly stronger, and lighter,

than iron. This lightweight material provides incredible durability without compromising speed. It is impermeable to electric shock, fire and water, as well as virtually any firearm munitions. Wearers will also be granted superhuman strength. Herculean tasks such as lifting cars could be accomplished with ease.”)

Specific details about the features of the Iron Man suit are developed very effectively. (“Another remarkable feature, and perhaps my favorite, is its ability to fly. An advanced thruster system built into the hands and feet allows for temporary high-speed flight and stable hovering. Successful flying requires a substantial supply of energy, drawn from a miniature Arc reactor fixed into the breastplate. Energy is channeled into the boot thrusters, via voice command, and jet propulsion accelerates the wearer skyward at a controlled rate. If I were to possess one of these suits, I would definitely take advantage of its aerial capabilities. Anyone would remain warm, even in the harsh winter, while flying to work or to school.

Automobiles would likely become obsolete with the advent of flying suits. The suit may even inspire the production of flying cars.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas is very effective. The writer demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. There is effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout.

The writer effectively captures the readers’ attention in the introduction by highlighting the capabilities of a futuristic Iron Man suit. (“An impressive, futuristic invention that I have seen in a movie is the metallic crimson and golden Iron Man suit. Its many features are incorporated into an array of modern day inventions such as the jetpack, cell phones, computers, small military vehicles and even new weaponry.

What makes the Iron man suit so extraordinary is the combination of all these and much more. With its superior technologies, one could surpass jet speed, punch holes in solid steel, withstand extreme temperatures, and even access the Internet while wearing it. The only major disincentive is the monstrous price to acquire one, ranging in the billions.”)

Subtle transitions are used effectively to connect ideas between paragraphs and between sentences. (“One of the more noteworthy features of the armor is its outstanding resiliency. It was originally engineered to be exceptional for delivering and absorbing vast amounts of damage. The armor's namesake, ‘Iron Man,’ is technically inaccurate. As mentioned in the movie, it actually consists of titanium alloy, which is significantly stronger, and lighter, than iron. This lightweight material provides incredible durability without compromising speed. It is impermeable to electric shock, fire and water, as well as virtually any firearm munitions. Wearers will also be granted superhuman strength. Herculean tasks such as lifting cars

could be accomplished with ease.”)

The writer includes an ending that reviews a few of the potential benefits of an Iron Man suit and also

provides the readers with a sense of closure. (“Needless to say, this fine piece of fictional technology would change the world as we know it. I'm assuming that the Iron Man suit, or a very similar model, can possibly be a reality sometime within the next fifty years. Many of today's inventions hint at the creation of a flying, multi-purpose suit of armor, but it would certainly come at an expense only a handful of individuals can afford. Supplied to the right people, such a creation could give rise to the dawn of world peace. National

conflict would surely end, thus benefiting everyone in the end.”)

Language Use & Style

adds to the effectiveness of the writer’s response.

The writer chooses descriptive words to effectively describe the Iron Man suit and its potential capabilities. (“Another remarkable feature, and perhaps my favorite, is its ability to fly. An advanced thruster system built into the hands and feet allows for temporary high-speed flight and stable hovering. Successful flying requires a substantial supply of energy, drawn from a miniature Arc reactor fixed into the breastplate.

Complex sentence structures and sentence variety add to the sophistication of the overall message. (“One of the more noteworthy features of the armor is its outstanding resiliency. It was originally engineered to be exceptional for delivering and absorbing vast amounts of damage. The armor's namesake, ‘Iron Man,’ is technically inaccurate. As mentioned in the movie, it actually consists of titanium alloy, which is significantly stronger, and lighter, than iron. This lightweight material provides incredible durability without compromising speed. It is impermeable to electric shock, fire and water, as well as virtually any firearm munitions. Wearers will also be granted superhuman strength. Herculean tasks such as lifting cars could be accomplished with ease.”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice throughout the response. (“Contrarily, if suits were supplied to terrorist organizations (or, similar criminally inclined groups) quite the opposite would occur. Many innocent people could fall victim to its arsenal of destructive weaponry. I suppose the extremely wealthy could also purchase the armor, considering it cost billions of dollars to produce in the movie.

Unfortunately, its ridiculously high price tag ensures that I will never have the satisfaction of owning one. Needless to say, this fine piece of fictional technology would change the world as we know it.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“The Iron Man suit would indeed benefit the nation, but I believe it should only fall into the hands of responsible buyers. Its technology could easily be used for selfish, greedy purposes. For this reason, the military and police force would make exceptional candidates for the suit. Crime rates would reduce rapidly worldwide. Entire wars would even cease, including skirmishes in Afghanistan and Iraq. Contrarily, if suits were supplied to terrorist organizations (or, similar criminally inclined groups) quite the opposite would occur.”)

Model Essay

Avatar Chambers

Science fiction movies have been hits all across the country, these movies include Star Wars, Inception, and Star Trek. But perhaps one of the most recent science fiction hit is Avatar. In Avatar, average men transform into tall, blue alien species, called a na'vi, to communicate and make peace with their brotheren. The avatar chamber, the machine that makes the transformation possible, would be a new and exciting edition to the world. I would like to see this invention come to life because it's out of the ordinary. Also, I believe this invention will benefit mankind from simple tasks to vast dilemmas. Finally, many people would have an endless amount of fun after using the machine. For these reasons, I believe that having an avatar chamber in existence would be for the best.

The avatar chambers are so out of this world. There have been numerous suggestions of similar inventions, such as a flying car or time machine. But the truth is, the idea of these "inventions" are cliche and after coming to reality, the idea has already gone through one ear and out the other of many people. If this machine truly existed, so many people who are unfamiliar with the thought of it will rave over it. It is so unique that thousands, even millions, of people will want to get their hands on it. The chambers are so special and will create a phenomenon around the world! Also, because Avatar is favored by so many people, being like the creatures from the movie would create a whole new experience. There will always be

a new kind of phone or a smaller laptop, but this is just one invention which won't need to be updated. This is one invention which will blow the minds of people across the nation and will puzzle scientists.

Creating a new way of life proves to benefit men across the planet. If the avatar chamber was real, people around the world would be turning into na'vi in their own free will. This will benefit humans because a single na'vi exceeds abilities compared to an average human. For one, a na'vi has a 30% longer lifespan than a human. These extra years benefit individuals who can spend many more years on Earth. Also, a na'vi has a long tail which can be useful for simple tasks which need an extra hand. Think of all the more groceries you could carry at once! Finally, after transforming into a na'vi, an individual gains four times their original strength. While being much stronger and having and extra "hand" when in need, simple tasks are made relatively simpler and easier.

Who wouldn't want to gain such special attributes and run around town feeling ten years younger? With access to a chamber, many people would be much happier. It would be so much fun to be able to turn into a na'vi and learn about the word from an entirely new perspective. Na'vi are highly capable of running faster and farther than a human, so for those engaged in sports, especially track, would simply have a ball while being a tall, blue na'vi. Also, humans don't have tails. After transforming in the chamber, we receive a long tail which could overwhelm us. Unlike many handheld games, there are no batteries to a chamber nor a time limit to end your entertainment, so the fun stops when you want it to. The fun, itself, is limitless. It's completely to an individual what they want to do after using the chamber, making the individual experience even more memorable.

Avatar is simply one of the most recognized science fiction movies in the 21st century. It's popularity of its visual affects could make some people wish they had the same experience as the individuals in the story. This could be true if the avatar chamber really did exist. It should become reality because it's such a unique invention that everyone would become engaged in it. Also, it will simplify lives of those who need a more in their life. Finally, it would be just plain fun. The world would be a strange place with avatar chambers sitting in various places but I believe this invention would truly make history if it was brought to life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer grabs the readers’ attention by describing the science fiction invention that could potentially

become a reality. (“Science fiction movies have been hits all across the country, these movies include Star Wars, Inception, and Star Trek. But perhaps one of the most recent science fiction hit is Avatar. In Avatar, average men transform into tall, blue alien species, called a na'vi, to communicate and make peace with their brotheren. The avatar chamber, the machine that makes the transformation possible, would be a new and exciting edition to the world. I would like to see this invention come to life because it's out of the ordinary. Also, I believe this invention will benefit mankind from simple tasks to vast dilemmas. Finally, many people would have an endless amount of fun after using the machine. For these reasons, I believe that having an avatar chamber in existence would be for the best.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. (“Who wouldn't want to gain such special attributes and run around town feeling ten years younger? With access to a chamber, many people would be much happier. It would be so much fun to be able to turn into a na'vi and learn about the word from an entirely new perspective. Na'vi are highly capable of running faster and farther than a human, so for those engaged in sports, especially track, would simply have a ball while being a tall, blue na'vi. Also, humans don't have tails. After transforming in the chamber, we receive a long tail which could overwhelm us. Unlike many handheld games, there are no batteries to a chamber nor a time limit to end your

entertainment, so the fun stops when you want it to.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very well. (“The avatar chambers are so out of this world. There have been numerous suggestions of similar inventions, such as a flying car or time machine. But the truth is, the idea of these ‘inventions’ are cliche and after coming to reality, the idea has already gone through one ear and out the other of many people. If this machine truly existed, so many people who are unfamiliar with the thought of it will rave over it. It is so unique that thousands, even millions, of people will want to get their hands on it. The chambers are so special and will create a phenomenon around the world! Also, because Avatar is favored by so many people, being like the creatures from the movie would create a whole new experience.”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas using sufficient and appropriate details.

The content in the body paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain the main idea. (“Also, a na'vi has a long tail which can be useful for simple tasks which need an extra hand. Think of all the more groceries you could carry at once! Finally, after transforming into a na'vi, an individual gains four times

their original strength. While being much stronger and having and extra ‘hand’ when in need, simple tasks are made relatively simpler and easier.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea in the topic sentence. (“The avatar chambers are so out of this world. There have been numerous suggestions of similar inventions, such as a flying car or time machine. But the truth is, the idea of these ‘inventions’ are cliche and after coming to reality, the idea has already gone through one ear and out the other of many people. If this machine truly existed, so many people who are unfamiliar with the thought of it will rave over it. It is so unique that thousands, even millions, of people will want to get their hands on it. The chambers are so special and will create a phenomenon around the world!”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“Creating a new way of life proves to benefit men across the planet. If the avatar chamber was real, people around the world would be turning into na'vi in their own free will. This will benefit humans because a single na'vi exceeds abilities compared to an average human. For one, a na'vi has a 30% longer lifespan than a human. These extra years benefit

individuals who can spend many more years on Earth.”)

Organization

The essay contains an effective introduction. (“Science fiction movies have been hits all across the country, these movies include Star Wars, Inception, and Star Trek. But perhaps one of the most recent science fiction hit is Avatar. In Avatar, average men transform into tall, blue alien species, called a na'vi, to communicate and make peace with their brotheren. The avatar chamber, the machine that makes the transformation possible, would be a new and exciting edition to the world. I would like to see this invention come to life because it's out of the ordinary. Also, I believe this invention will benefit mankind from simple tasks to vast dilemmas. Finally, many people would have an endless amount of fun after using the machine. For these reasons, I believe that having an avatar chamber in existence would be for the best.”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or sentences are used well. (“Who wouldn't want to gain such special attributes and run around town feeling ten years younger? With access to a chamber, many people would be much happier. It would be so much fun to be able to turn into a na'vi and learn about the word from an entirely new perspective. Na'vi are highly capable of running faster and farther than a human, so for those engaged in sports, especially track, would simply have a ball while being a tall, blue na'vi. Also, humans don't have tails.”)

The writer’s conclusion provides the readers with something to consider as the essay draws to a close.

(“Avatar is simply one of the most recognized science fiction movies in the 21st century. It's popularity of its visual affects could make some people wish they had the same experience as the individuals in the story. This could be true if the avatar chamber really did exist. It should become reality because it's such a unique invention that everyone would become engaged in it. Also, it will simplify lives of those who need a more in their life. Finally, it would be just plain fun. The world would be a strange place with avatar chambers sitting in various places but I believe this invention would truly make history if it was brought to life.”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent. (“Who wouldn't want to gain such special attributes and run around town feeling ten years younger? With access to a chamber, many people would be much happier. It would be so much fun to be able to turn into a na'vi and learn about the word from an entirely new perspective. Na'vi are highly capable of running faster and farther than a human, so for those engaged in sports, especially track, would simply have a ball while being a tall, blue na'vi. Also, humans don't have tails.

After transforming in the chamber, we receive a long tail which could overwhelm us.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“Who wouldn't want to gain such special attributes and run around town feeling ten years younger? With access to a chamber, many people would be much happier. It would be so much fun to be able to turn into a na'vi and learn about the word from an entirely new perspective. Na'vi are highly capable of running faster and farther than a human, so for those engaged in sports, especially track, would simply have a ball while being a tall, blue na'vi.

Also, humans don't have tails. After transforming in the chamber, we receive a long tail which could overwhelm us. Unlike many handheld games, there are no batteries to a chamber nor a time limit to end your entertainment, so the fun stops when you want it to. The fun, itself, is limitless. It's completely to an individual what they want to do after using the chamber, making the individual experience even more memorable.”)

The writer employs good word choices to describe the avatar chambers that could possibly become reality in society someday. (“The avatar chambers are so out of this world. There have been numerous suggestions of similar inventions, such as a flying car or time machine. But the truth is, the idea of these ‘inventions’ are cliché and after coming to reality, the idea has already gone through one ear and out the other of many people. If this machine truly existed, so many people who are unfamiliar with the thought of it will rave over it. It is so unique that thousands, even millions, of people will want to get their hands on it. The chambers are so special and will create a phenomenon around the world! Also, because Avatar is favored by so many people, being like the creatures from the movie would create a whole new experience. There will always be a new kind of phone or a smaller laptop, but this is just one invention which won't need to be updated. This is one invention which will blow the minds of people across the nation and will puzzle scientists.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer, for the most part, ensures that each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, new paragraphs are indicated with line breaks, the spelling of all words is checked, and words within the context of sentences are used properly.

(“Creating a new way of life proves to benefit men across the planet. If the avatar chamber was real, people around the world would be turning into na'vi in their own free will. This will benefit humans because a single na'vi exceeds abilities compared to an average human. For one, a na'vi has a 30% longer lifespan

than a human. These extra years benefit individuals who can spend many more years on Earth. Also, a na'vi has a long tail which can be useful for simple tasks which need an extra hand.”)

Model Essay

Movies and television shows use a lot of technology that has still not been invented in real life. If I could pick any invention and use it in reality, I would defiantly pick a "Smart House". In the original Disney movie Smart House, a family wins a magnificent house that does just about everything for you. The house cooks, cleans itself, and entertains you as well. It is a science fiction story but I really think that this would be a fine invention to bring into reality.

Imagine never having to cook or go shopping for food ever again. This could help save so much time, all of which you spend in the kitchen and the grocery store. This house could save you an enormous amount of money, which you spend on food as well. When you are hungry all you have to do is press a button. There will always be a huge variety of foods to pick from. The house will then make you a snack or an astonishing full size family dinner.

Now you are probably thinking about the big mess you now have to clean after that big dinner, well you thought wrong. Because you live in a "smart house", and you never have to worry about doing any type of chore around the house ever again. The "smart house" cleans itself. The house vacuums, cleans dishes, washes clothes, folds them, makes beds, and will clean any type of mess you leave behind. In the movie the family has a party, and invited very messy people. The house cleans itself right before their eyes. This is great for those who don't have time to clean because they are swamped with other things.

I feel this house will be great for people who have too much on their minds, and work all day. Many would have time to do errands outside of the house and won't feel swamped by things they forgot to do at home. This house could also bring families together. You could easily ask the house to put on the family’s favorite movie and ask it to make popcorn for a family night. In the movie the family does grow closer together because of the house.

Many might disagree, and believe that this house would be a bad idea. Some may think that this could break families apart. Also may say that the "smart house" is invading personal space, but you are in complete control, and you can tell it what ever you would like it to do for you. The house has a mind of its own, that you complete control over.

If my family owned this "smart house," I would love it. Now that I'm graduating, I look back at my high school career and how much help I needed on homework and projects, this would have been perfect. Also all those late nights staying up to finish homework, when I needed a midnight snack. I never got one because I didn't want to wake up anyone in the house. I feel most families with hard working parents would really appreciate the help of the "smart house" and all the extra time they would have to spend with their children. You never want to take that time for granted.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The thesis statement reveals the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view of the writer adequately.

movie Smart House, a family wins a magnificent house that does just about everything for you. The house cooks, cleans itself, and entertains you as well. It is a science fiction story but I really think that this would be a fine invention to bring into reality.”)

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The writer is devoted to informing the readers about a science fiction invention that could become a reality. (“Imagine never having to cook or go

shopping for food ever again. This could help save so much time, all of which you spend in the kitchen and the grocery store. This house could save you an enormous amount of money, which you spend on food as well. When you are hungry all you have to do is press a button. There will always be a huge variety of foods to pick from. The house will then make you a snack or an astonishing full size family dinner. Now you are probably thinking about the big mess you now have to clean after that big dinner, well you thought wrong. Because you live in a ‘smart house’, and you never have to worry about doing any type of chore

around the house ever again.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“Many might disagree, and believe that this house would be a bad idea. Some may think that this could break families apart. Also may say that the ‘smart house’ is invading personal space, but you are in complete control, and you can tell it what ever you would like it to do for you. The house has a mind of its own, that you complete control over.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support.

The essay contains main ideas that support the asserted thesis adequately. (“I feel this house will be great for people who have too much on their minds, and work all day. Many would have time to do errands outside of the house and won't feel swamped by things they forgot to do at home. This house could also bring families together. You could easily ask the house to put on the family’s favorite movie and ask it to

make popcorn for a family night. In the movie the family does grow closer together because of the house.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“Imagine never having to cook or go shopping for food ever again. This could help save so much time, all of which you spend in the kitchen and the grocery store. This house could save you an enormous amount of money, which you spend on food as well. When you are hungry all you have to do is press a button. There will always be a huge variety of foods to pick from. The house will then make you a snack or an astonishing full size family dinner.”)

The writer provides anecdotal examples that are relevant. (“If my family owned this ‘smart house,’ I would love it. Now that I'm graduating, I look back at my high school career and how much help I needed on homework and projects, this would have been perfect. Also all those late nights staying up to finish homework, when I needed a midnight snack. I never got one because I didn't want to wake up anyone in the house. I feel most families with hard working parents would really appreciate the help of the ‘smart house’ and all the extra time they would have to spend with their children. You never want to take that time for

granted.”)

Organization

The beginning of the essay demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by identifying the science fiction invention that the writer believes could become a realistic option for the future.

Subtle transitions are used to connect ideas. (“Now you are probably thinking about the big mess you now have to clean after that big dinner, well you thought wrong. Because you live in a ‘smart house’, and you never have to worry about doing any type of chore around the house ever again. The ‘smart house’ cleans itself. The house vacuums, cleans dishes, washes clothes, folds them, makes beds, and will clean any type of mess you leave behind. In the movie the family has a party, and invited very messy people. The house cleans itself right before their eyes. This is great for those who don't have time to clean because they are swamped with other things.”)

The writer’s conclusion provides the readers with a sense of closure. (“If my family owned this ‘smart house,’ I would love it. Now that I'm graduating, I look back at my high school career and how much help I needed on homework and projects, this would have been perfect. Also all those late nights staying up to finish homework, when I needed a midnight snack. I never got one because I didn't want to wake up anyone in the house. I feel most families with hard working parents would really appreciate the help of the ‘smart house’ and all the extra time they would have to spend with their children. You never want to take that time for granted.”)

Language Use & Style

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“Now you are probably thinking about the big mess you now have to clean after that big dinner, well you thought wrong. Because you live in a ‘smart house’, and you never have to worry about doing any type of chore around the house ever again. The ‘smart house’

cleans itself. The house vacuums, cleans dishes, washes clothes, folds them, makes beds, and will clean any type of mess you leave behind.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the response. He/she provides language that adequately describes the science fiction invention that could become a reality in our society. (“I feel this house will be great for people who have too much on their minds, and work all day. Many would have time to do errands outside of the house and won't feel swamped by things they forgot to do at home. This house could also bring families together. You could easily ask the house to put on the family’s favorite movie and ask it to make popcorn for a family night. In the movie the family does grow closer together because of the house.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the essay. (“Movies and television shows use a lot of technology that has still not been invented in real life. If I could pick any

invention and use it in reality, I would defiantly pick a ‘Smart House’. In the original Disney movie Smart House, a family wins a magnificent house that does just about everything for you. The house cooks, cleans itself, and entertains you as well. It is a science fiction story but I really think that this would be a fine invention to bring into reality.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

bad idea. Some may think that this could break families apart. Also may say that the ‘smart house’ is invading personal space, but you are in complete control, and you can tell it what ever you would like it to do for you. The house has a mind of its own, that you complete control over.”)

Model Essay

The Millennium Falcon is a space ship in star wars. It can hold up to around 10 people. It is about the size of a normal space ship. It is fast big, and it has great handling if flow by a skilled flyer.

This would be good because it could help us travel to different planets and help move people there to live. By doing this it could help drop the population. By traveling to different planets the stuff there might be able to help cure certain diseases and improve health. Its also possible we could find new minerals that are stronger then diamonds. If we did find something stronger we could make better tools. Possibly even finding a new type of liquid that we could use to replace oil or gas and didn't release a toxic gas.

With this space ship we could fly to mars and other planets that have been out of reach. We also could take more people there and try to set up colonies or groups of people to see if the planet is habitable for our race. We could also find new speacies that could possibly cure some diseases. By the substances that are in them.

With it being so fast it could possibly take us to differnt places and different solar systems. It could also help us travel to different places of earth faster. So in stead of taking a 24 hour flight to a place it could take you only an hour or so, or even sooner. By the faster travel we could get soldiers to places faster and get wounded people out of places faster too. If we had lots of them we could get people out of places that are going to be hit with a hurricane or a volcano explodes and save many lifes.

This space ship could help us in many ways. But of coarse there can become many ways this space ship can become a threat to us, but if we keep it from evil minds and hands we could help save many lifes. This machine could do great deeds in the world. This could be one of the most vauble inventions if made. It also could cost the most out of all them.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the essay. The writer establishes a limited controlling idea and demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she provides limited

descriptions and details that may not give the readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Only some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The writer reveals the controlling idea in a very limited way. (“The Millennium Falcon is a space ship in star wars. It can hold up to around 10 people. It is about the size of a normal space ship. It is fast big, and it has great handling if flow by a skilled flyer. This would be good because it could help us travel to different planets and help move people there to live.”)

The writer focuses on several ideas that could potentially support the thesis, but the descriptions are too limited to give the readers clarity. (“We could also find new speacies that could possibly cure some diseases. By the substances that are in them.”)

The writer should include more meaningful examples to illustrate how a potential science fiction invention could assist humans. Including more descriptive, relevant details would help the readers picture the subject of the essay in their minds. (“With it being so fast it could possibly take us to differnt places and different solar systems. It could also help us travel to different places of earth faster. So in stead of taking a 24 hour flight to a place it could take you only an hour or so, or even sooner. By the faster travel we could get

soldiers to places faster and get wounded people out of places faster too. If we had lots of them we could get people out of places that are going to be hit with a hurricane or a volcano explodes and save many

lifes.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. He/she develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support ideas.

The writer uses limited details to illustrate the main ideas. For instance, the writer mentions that the

spaceship could become a threat to humans but does not explore or elaborate on that idea in any way. (“of coarse there can become many ways this space ship can become a threat to us, but if we keep it from evil minds and hands we could help save many lifes.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. (“Possibly even finding a new type of liquid that we could use to replace oil or gas and didn't release a toxic gas.”)

The details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. In fact, the writer seems to only be listing ways the Millennium Falcon could help humans but does not develop any of those ways sufficiently for the readers to appreciate the writer’s ideas. (“By traveling to different planets the stuff there might be able to help cure certain diseases and improve health. Its also possible we could find new minerals that are stronger then diamonds. If we did find something stronger we could make better tools.”)

Organization

The essay contains a limited introduction. The writer discloses a viable science fiction invention that could potentially become a reality, but with limited background information and descriptive details, the readers

struggle to picture that possibility in their minds. (“The Millennium Falcon is a space ship in star wars. It can hold up to around 10 people. It is about the size of a normal space ship. It is fast big, and it has great handling if flow by a skilled flyer. This would be good because it could help us travel to different planets and help move people there to live.”)

Strong transitions between paragraphs and between sentences are needed to enhance the flow of the

writer’s ideas. (“With this space ship we could fly to mars and other planets that have been out of reach. We also could take more people there and try to set up colonies or groups of people to see if the planet is habitable for our race. We could also find new speacies that could possibly cure some diseases. By the substances that are in them.”)

The writer does not group information adequately; oftentimes, he/she leads the readers back to a previously mentioned idea. (“With this space ship we could fly to mars and other planets that have been out of reach. We also could take more people there and try to set up colonies or groups of people to see if the planet is habitable for our race. We could also find new speacies that could possibly cure some diseases. By the substances that are in them…With it being so fast it could possibly take us to differnt places and different solar systems. It could also help us travel to different places of earth faster.”)

The writer’s conclusion does not summarize the main ideas or leave the readers with something to think about. In fact, the writer introduces new ideas in the conclusion rather than wrapping up the discussion of points found throughout the essay response. (“This space ship could help us in many ways. But of coarse there can become many ways this space ship can become a threat to us, but if we keep it from evil minds and hands we could help save many lifes. This machine could do great deeds in the world. This could be one of the most vauble inventions if made. It also could cost the most out of all them.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited use of language, voice, and style. He/she reveals simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, the word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

The lengths of some sentences are short, and at times, fragmented. (“If we did find something stronger we could make better tools. Possibly even finding a new type of liquid that we could use to replace oil or gas and didn't release a toxic gas.”) The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the response more interesting to the intended audience.

Oftentimes, the writer begins sentences using the same word. For instance, the writer starts many sentences using “By” and “This.” Beginning sentences in a variety of ways keeps the essay from sounding

repetitious. (“This would be good because it could help us travel to different planets and help move people there to live. By doing this it could help drop the population. By traveling to different planets the stuff there might be able to help cure certain diseases and improve health.”)

The sentences are too informal and the word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively

communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“So in stead of taking a 24 hour flight to a place it could take you only an hour or so, or even sooner. By the faster travel we could get soldiers to places faster and get wounded people out of places faster too. If we had lots of them we could get people out of places that are going to be hit with a hurricane or a volcano explodes and save many lifes.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The control of mechanics and conventions is limited in the essay response. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, new paragraphs are indicated with line breaks, the spelling of words is checked, and proper usage of words within the context of sentences is ensured. (“But of coarse there can become many ways this space ship can become a threat to us, but if we keep it from evil minds and hands we could help save many lifes. This machine could do great deeds in the world. This could be one of the most vauble inventions if made.”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

Wow a lot of movies are predicting the future want to learn more stay tuned. There are a lot of movies that are coming up with new ideas that are going to be real in the future. Like back to the future 2 they did a lot of invention that they didn't not think they would make things from the future. They showed the TV that was thin and that was not invented In tell now back then they had large TV. The future may be very scary because you never know what going to be invented.

A lot of cool stuff is coming the mostly get the inventions from movies. The self driving car would be vary helpful for people that are to old to drive but a lot of people would lose jobs because cab drivers. Doctor who pictured a lot of different inventions that came true. The levitating bike is a new invention that they are trying to master and get it down but it is hard. They are also working on a invisible cloak it doesn't make you completely invisible if your wondering it bends light around you its pretty cool. The military are

working on robot soldiers that people can operate them from miles away the robot soldiers would make a lot less deaths in war.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer only minimally includes a central/controlling idea. He/she misses the opportunity to elaborate on one, specific science fiction idea that could potentially become a reality in our society. (“Wow a lot of movies are predicting the future want to learn more stay tuned. There are a lot of movies that are coming up with new ideas that are going to be real in the future.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give the readers a true sense of one, specific science fiction idea; instead, the writer introduces several ideas and fails to develop them adequately. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“Doctor

who pictured a lot of different inventions that came true. The levitating bike is a new invention that they are trying to master and get it down but it is hard. They are also working on a invisible cloak it doesn't make you completely invisible if your wondering it bends light around you its pretty cool.”)

The writer’s details are minimally developed. (“The military are working on robot soldiers that people can operate them from miles away the robot soldiers would make a lot less deaths in war.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support ideas.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s thesis statement. (“Like back to the future 2 they did a lot of invention that they didn't not think they would make things from the future. They showed the TV that was thin and that was not invented In tell now back then they had large TV.”)

In the two-paragraph essay response, the writer does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“They are also working on a invisible cloak it doesn't make you completely invisible if your wondering it bends light around you its pretty cool.”)

Details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. Details should include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations that give the readers a clear picture of how ideas presented in science fiction can become a reality. (“The levitating bike is a new invention that they are trying to master and get it down but it is hard.”)

Organization

The essay does not effectively grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“Wow a lot of movies are predicting the future want to learn more stay tuned. There are a lot of movies that are coming up with new ideas that are going to be real in the future.”)

There is little evidence of transitional devices to help connect ideas. (“A lot of cool stuff is coming the mostly get the inventions from movies. The self driving car would be vary helpful for people that are to old

to drive but a lot of people would lose jobs because cab drivers. Doctor who pictured a lot of different inventions that came true.”)

The writer does little to include a strong conclusion. (“The military are working on robot soldiers that people can operate them from miles away the robot soldiers would make a lot less deaths in war.”)

Language Use & Style

Syntax issues throughout the essay affect meaning for the readers. (“A lot of cool stuff is coming the mostly get the inventions from movies. The self driving car would be vary helpful for people that are to old to drive but a lot of people would lose jobs because cab drivers. Doctor who pictured a lot of different inventions that came true.”)

There are run-on sentences in portions of the essay. (“The military are working on robot soldiers that people can operate them from miles away the robot soldiers would make a lot less deaths in war.”)

The writer relies on simple word choices as well. (“A lot of cool stuff is coming the mostly get the inventions from movies.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is minimal. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling which interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

from the future. They showed the TV that was thin and that was not invented In tell now back then they had large TV.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

have you ever seen a movie a person travel in time, well i have and i think its the coolest thing. so if i were to make a movie with an invention it would have a time machean. it would be helpfull by finding things out that happend a long time ago, helping people fix there mistakes or bad choses they have made, to help all round. in this movie that i would have some thing. be in it tha tis helpfull to every one is the time machean it could help you.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. The writer asserts an inadequate controlling idea and demonstrates little or no understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. The writer barely completes any parts of the task.

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience because he/she does not include relevant details to make his/her ideas about a time machine becoming a reality clear and convincing. (“so if i were to make a movie with an invention it would have a time machean. it would be helpfull by finding things out that happend a long time ago, helping people fix there mistakes or bad choses they have made, to help all round.”)

The essay contains a vague central/controlling idea which the writer does not develop adequately through examples and descriptive details. (“have you ever seen a movie a person travel in time, well i have and i think its the coolest thing. so if i were to make a movie with an invention it would have a time machean.”)

The essay’s lack of specific details renders the writer’s message ineffective and incomplete. (“it would be helpfull by finding things out that happend a long time ago, helping people fix there mistakes or bad choses they have made, to help all round. in this movie that i would have some thing. be in it tha tis helpfull to

every one is the time machean it could help you.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer neglects to develop ideas, using little or no details to support ideas.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. The writer attempts to identify the positive aspects of a time machine for human beings, but these ideas are not clearly developed for the readers to appreciate them. (“have you ever seen a movie a person travel in time, well i have and i think its the coolest thing. so if i were to make a movie with an invention it would have a time machean. it would be helpfull by finding things out that happend a long time ago, helping people fix there mistakes or bad choses they have made, to help all round.”)

In the one-paragraph response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs. At least three main ideas should be included as evidence. (“have you ever seen a movie a person travel in time, well i have and i think its the coolest thing. so if i were to make a movie with an invention it would have a time machean. it would be helpfull by finding things out that happend a long time ago, helping people fix there mistakes or bad choses they have made, to help all round. in this movie that i would have some thing. be in it tha tis helpfull to every one is the time machean it could help you.”)

Details are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Details could include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations to bring the writer’s ideas to life. (“be in it tha tis helpfull to every one is the time machean it could help you.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate as well. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure, introduction or conclusion; in addition, there is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The writer does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“have you ever seen a movie a person travel in time, well i have and i think its the coolest thing.”)

Transitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“so if i were to make a movie with an invention it would have a time machean. it would be helpfull by finding things out that happend a long time ago, helping people fix there mistakes or bad choses they have made, to help all round.”)

The essay does not contain a strong conclusion. (“be in it tha tis helpfull to every one is the time machean it could help you.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s language use, voice, and style are inadequate. He/she demonstrates unclear language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are sentence fragments that affect meaning. (“in this movie that i would have some thing. be in it tha tis helpfull to every one is the time machean it could help you.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“have you ever seen a movie a person travel in time, well i have and i think its the coolest thing.”)

The writer relies on simple sentences and word choices. (“be in it tha tis helpfull to every one is the time machean it could help you.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

What place have you visited that you will always remember? It might be close by, or it might be in another part of the world. What was the place like, and why was it special to you? Choose a place you have visited that was special to you. Write a letter to a friend describing the place and what was special about it.

Remember to provide enough details about this place so the reader can picture the place in his or her mind.

Model Essay

Dear Monica,

During the end of summer of last year, when everyone was finally home from either work, college, or school, we all decided to go on a camping trip. We could have gone sooner, but my little brother had summer school. My family had everything planned out. My older sister was the main planner; she was the one that made all of the reservations. Being so excited to go on this camping trip, it left me with feelings of happiness but also the anxieties of being in the wilderness. I haven't gone to sleep outside before, especially if it was a place I haven't been to before. The day of our trip was drawing closer and closer, so I decided to do my packing for that trip. It was hot so all of my clothes were short sleeved and I packed jeans, my mom asked why I didn't pack any shorts, but personally I dislike wearing shorts. The place of our camping trip was in Santa Cruz, so it wasn't too far away, but we had to do something on our way there so I always tend to pack games and things to do. Most of the time I over pack, so I always bring things that are unnecessary.

The day finally arrived, and everyone was in a rush to make sure nothing was to be forgotten. It was absolutely funny watching everyone run back and forth, upstairs and back downstairs. We needed to go to stop by Albertson's to buy certain things, for example bug repellent, food, and drinks. Now we were on our way to Santa Cruz, the car was so hot and crowded, there was no place to move. The car contained my mother and father, my two brothers and sisters, also my aunt decided to go with us, so a totally of eight people were in the car. But it was enjoyable - I was able to speak to my brothers and sisters about what was going on in their lives. I missed the times when we were all kids and when we were always together. We finally arrived at our camping place.

The scenery was absolutely beautiful, the redwoods stood tall and fully proud. I was around nature, a place that I always imagined, with birds chirping everywhere we went. We found our spot to rest and we pitched up the tents. We had a total of 3 tents because everyone was too afraid to sleep on their own. Once we got that finished we all decided to go on a nature walk but we split up into groups: my older sister and I went on one path, and my parents, my two brothers, my other older sister, my aunt, and my older brother's friends went on another path. We hiked uphill and the scene was gorgeous - everywhere I turned trees were all over and beautiful flowers stood on the floor untouched by strangers. The light from the shining sun shined right through the crack of the trees, it looked like I was in heaven. I really wished I took a picture of that scene, but it's a image in my head that cannot be forgotten. We then went to this tower that overlooked the whole camp site. It was beautiful; the sun was out, a nice breeze was blowing, and the air smelled so crisp, so new, so fresh. An hour passed and we descended back down to our camp. My family hadn't come back from their hike; hours passed and we were worried. My family was gone for five hours, and I finally caught sight of them on the road.

They got lost, it was funny though. My sister told me that our mom started to cry because they thought they were going to be lost forever. We ate our dinner. It was BBQ that my mom prepared ahead of time; it was delicious, but the sound of bugs flying near your food and some nearly going into your mouth was absolutely disgusting. Another hike was planned but it was only us kids. This time the hike was fun. I lead the way, because I love being the leader. Being near nature gives me the feeling of ease and relaxation. We made our way back to the camp and made smores. That was my first time trying them. My sisters and

brothers laughed at me because of that reason. We slept, awfully cold, and morning arrived. We decided to go back home because of everyone's bad experience, but my time there was enjoyable. This trip was memorable because it was actually family time that was spent together. But I mainly enjoyed the nature walks and just being around nature. I wish that we are able to go camping once again and that it would be pleasant. Maybe you should go camping with your family and friends. It should be a time to remember.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this informative essay, the author describes a camping trip, and all of the fun and unpredictable activities that accompanied it, that the family took together (“During the end of summer of last year, when everyone was finally home from either work, college, or school, we all decided to go on a camping trip”).

Establishing and maintaining a clear controlling idea, the author demonstrates a solid understanding of the purpose and audience of this prompt and aptly completes all parts of the task.

Content & Development

The author uses a wide variety of appropriate details to support the ideas s/he presents in this essay. The author remarks on how amusing it was to watch his/her siblings prepare for the trip (“The day has finally arrived, and everyone is in a rush to make sure nothing was to be forgotten. It was absolutely funny

watching everyone run back and forth, upstairs and back downstairs”). But what really made the trip memorable was the author’s encounter with nature, which is described in detail for the reader (“We hiked uphill and the scene was gorgeous - everywhere I turned trees were all over and beautiful flowers stood on the floor untouched by strangers. The light from the shining sun shined right through the crack of the trees, it looked like I was in heaven”). Finally, the author describes her family’s misadventure when they got lost hiking (“hey got lost, it was funny though. My sister told me that our mom started to cry because they

thought they were going to be lost forever”).

Organization

This essay is organized very well. A noticeable introduction and conclusion help focus the reader on the central theme, although both paragraphs could be divided in half – the introduction and conclusion both contain elements from the story that could stand alone in paragraphs of their own (The introduction could split at: “The day of our trip was drawing closer and closer, so I decided to do my packing for that trip” and the conclusion could split at: “We decided to go back home because of everyone's bad experience, but my

time there was enjoyable.”). Otherwise, the body paragraphs flow well and are organized around specific parts of the trip.

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is appropriate for this writing task. Using precise words, the author

accurately conveys to the reader why this location was so memorable (“It was beautiful; the sun was out, a nice breeze was blowing, and the air smelled so crisp, so new, so fresh. An hour passed and we descended back down to our camp”). The author also never loses sight of the audience of this essay (“Maybe you should go camping with your family and friends. It should be a time to remember”) and sustains a defined voice. The author does admit some difficulty with structuring sentences, although these awkward

constructions do not hamper the author’s ability to communicate with the reader (“It was hot so all of my clothes were short sleeved and I packed jeans, my mom asked why I didn't pack any shorts, but personally I dislike wearing shorts” and “Now we were on our way to Santa Cruz, the car was so hot and crowded, there was no place to move”).

Mechanics & Conventions

Other than the awkward sentence constructions previously noted, few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling detract from the presentation of this essay.

Model Essay

My memorial place that I will always remember is when I went to New Mexico. I saw a lot of cool things that I would never see in Michigan. The climate is a lot different from the climate in Michigan. There was a lot more sights that a person could see. There are a lot more monuments and National Parks there too.

Some of the bigger cities in New Mexico are Albuquerque and Las Cruces. There was and still are many people that were born in New Mexico.

The climate in New Mexico is a lot different than it is in Michigan. There are a lot of deserts in New Mexico. The sun is always out in New Mexico. In every season it is always warm. People that hate the winter season come here so they do not need to worry about cold weather. New Mexico is a very good place to go tanning. If a person walks around for a while, he will get a tan in no time.

There are a lot of monuments and National Park in New Mexico. The most famous National Park in New Mexico is the Carlsbad Caverns National Park. It is made up of more than a hundred caves. Some people go here to see the amazing freetail bat. A person can see the bats in the cave in the afternoon. This is the third longest cave in the whole world. Some of the famous monuments in New Mexico are the Aztec Ruins and the pyramid of suns. Both of these monuments are over a hundred years old. It is amazing seeing them, and they are both in really good condition. There are a lot of other amazing monuments, but I think these two are more famous.

There are a lot of people that live in New Mexico. Most of them do not live in the Capitol, Santa Fe. Santa Fe is only the third largest city in New Mexico. The bigger cities are Albuquerque and Las Cruces. There is more to do in these cities like going golfing and going bowling. There is also a lot more famous people that came from these cites. The city that I went to was Albuquerque.

When I went to New Mexico there were not many people that would talk to me. One of the people that talked to me was a kid named Jeff. He was a tall skinny guy. He taught me the most about New Mexico. He told me that most of the people here are immigrants. He also taught me when New Mexico got its independence and where from. I also found out that New Mexico was in a really big war. This war was called the Mexican-American war. Many people died in this long battle.

I learned some of the state facts of New Mexico. The state bird of New Mexico is the roadrunner. This bird can get up to speeds as fast as 15 miles per hour. That is fast for a bird. The state flower is the Yucca, and the state tree is the Pinon. There are other facts like the state motto. The motto is "It grows as it goes." Some of the famous people that came from New Mexico is William Bonney "Billy the Kid", Demi Moore, and John Denver. There were and still are a lot of other famous people that came from New Mexico. Most of them now are living somewhere else like Hollywood.

I saw this mountain in New Mexico. The mountain was part of the rocky mountains. It was on all sides of Albuquerque but one. When I went up to the mountain, I saw different plants and animals. The main plant that I saw was a cactus. I even got pricked by one. It was one of the most painful things that happen to me. The animals I saw were Mountain lions and some weird looking birds. They even had signs that said beware of animals.

There are many activities a person can do in New Mexico. You can go golfing at one of the courses that the professionals golf on. You can also go bowling at this hundred lane bowling alley. There are a lot of other things a visitor can do her to occupy his or her time.

I hope when a person goes here that they will have as much fun as I did. This has been one of my most favorite memorial places I have ever been to. I hope I can go back to New Mexico in the future. I met a lot of new friends here and I hope I see them again.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author informs the reader about the state of New Mexico and why it stands out in his/her mind as a memorable place (“My memorial place that I will always remember is when I went to New Mexico. I saw a lot of cool things that I would never see in Michigan”). In a response that is filled with both personal memories (“The main plant that I saw was a cactus. I even got pricked by one”) as well as facts that might have been located in an encyclopedia (“The motto is ‘It grows as it goes’”), the author delivers on the promise of the central theme and demonstrates a strong understanding of the purpose and audience of the writing prompt, thereby completing the assigned task.

Content & Development

The author cites a number of details to support the central theme. With content ranging from the climate (“People that hate the winter season come here so they do not need to worry about cold weather”), to the

availability of natural recreation areas (“There are a lot of monuments and National Park in New Mexico”), to some of the more obscure facts about the state (“I learned some of the state facts of New Mexico”), the author takes the reader on a journey about the state. This is a fact-filled essay that fully addresses the purpose of this prompt – namely, to inform the reader.

Organization

This essay’s structure is tight and uniform. Independent introductory and concluding paragraphs set the stage for the reader (“My memorial place that I will always remember is when I went to New Mexico … I hope when a person goes here that they will have as much fun as I did”), while the numerous body

paragraphs address specific elements of the author’s theme.

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is appropriate for this writing task. Demonstrating appropriate word choice, with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience, the author uses well-structured sentences with some variety. At times, though, the author seems to string many short sentences together where a longer, more complicated sentence might be more appropriate (“I saw this mountain in New Mexico. The mountain was part of the rocky mountains. It was on all sides of Albuquerque but one. When I went up to the mountain, I saw different plants and animals. The main plant that I saw was a cactus. I even got pricked by one”). Such short sentences can make the essay sound uneven.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author of this essay maintains good control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are allowed to creep into this essay to detract from its

ability to pass along the author’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Ashley,

I have just returned from my wonderful summer vacation! My expirience in Colorado and Arizona was unforgetable! I first spent three days in Colorado vistiing some family there, next I traveled to Arizona for seven days of fun in the sun!

Colorado was very special to me. It was so special because I had a chance to visit with some family members that I hadn't seen in a long time. You see, they are what you would call a "military family", they have lived in such places as Holland and Germany. With all the traveling around that they did it was hard to keep in touch with them. Whenever anyone in our family has a chance to visit with them it is fully taken advantage of. When we arrived in Colorado my cousin Nicole and Aunt Terry were waiting at the gate to take us back to their house, where we were going to be staying for the next two nights. My uncle made a big dinner for us and we all sat around the table like one big family. The next two days were filled with sightseeing, my aunt and uncle took us all over Colorado and showed us the many great things about that state. We saw such things as Boulder Falls and the Colorado state park. When we had to leave it was a sad good bye,but we all knew we would see each other soon.

After leaving Colorado we were off to Arizona. Arizona was also special to me. It was all about quality time with the family. Arizona was perhaps a little more enjoyable then Colorado simply because we had more time there. My family and I had a blast seeing all the different things that there was to see in Arizona. We saw sunch things as; the Grand Canyon, a south western town called Rawhide, and the great city of Sedona. My favorite thing of all though was the Pink Jeep tour around Sedona. My whole family piled on this big pink jeep and our guide drove us all over the rocky terrian of the mountains, pointing out signifigant things as we went along. It was very exciting and took three hours. The departure from Arizona was more sad then Colorado but we left Arizona with many memeories that will last us a lifetime. All in all our trip to Arizona and Colorado was the best family trip we have ever taken!

Well Ashley, I have to go. I will tell you all about it when i get back! I have lots of pictures for you to see. Can't wait to see you!

Love, Ashley

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author seeks to describe her memorable family trip. (“My expirience in Colorado and Arizona was unforgetable! I first spent three days in Colorado vistiing some family there, next I traveled to Arizona for seven days of fun in the sun!”) This controlling idea receives adequate focus and is infused with meaning throughout the essay. With a basic understanding of the purpose and audience of this writing prompt, the author adequately completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

In this essay, the author provides a sufficient amount of ideas to support the central idea. The author first describes the importance of the time she spent in Colorado. (“It was so special because I had a chance to visit with some family members that I hadn't seen in a long time. You see, they are what you would call a "military family", they have lived in such places as Holland and Germany. With all the traveling around

that they did it was hard to keep in touch with them.”) She proceeds to describe her vacation in Arizona. (“My favorite thing of all though was the Pink Jeep tour around Sedona. My whole family piled on this big pink jeep and our guide drove us all over the rocky terrian of the mountains, pointing out signifigant things as we went along. It was very exciting and took three hours.”)

Organization

This essay’s organizational scheme is simple, yet adequate. The student uses proper letter form. There are short, yet noticeable introductory and concluding paragraphs that surround the body of the response. The body paragraphs were focused; each began with a structured topic sentence and transiti

onal device. (“After leaving Colorado we were off to Arizona. Arizona was also special to me.”)

Language Use & Style

The author’s language style is adequate for this task, even if it is unremarkable in its descriptive power. Sentences exhibit generally correct structure, and word choice is appropriate. (“Whenever anyone in our family has a chance to visit with them it is fully taken advantage of. When we arrived in Colorado my cousin Nicole and Aunt Terry were waiting at the gate to take us back to their house, where we were going to be staying for the next two nights. My uncle made a big dinner for us and we all sat around the table like one big family.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Overall, the author’s ability to control the mechanics and conventions of writing is adequate. Still, some errors in grammar, punctuation (“when i get back”), and spelling (“unforgetable “ and “sunch”) can be pointed out. However, they do not detract from the author’s intended message.

Model Essay

Dear Lisa ,

To start off about a memorable place, you got to know what a memorable place is really. A real memorable place is more then a place were you just can remember being at. A memorable place is so much more. its a place where you can remember every little crack and crevis, even if you havnt been their in ten to fifteen years. it's a place that when you think about it you get happy and you can just remember all the feelings and ezilerance as if you were just their for the first time. In my case this would be the one and only Walt Disney World.

Walt Disney World is the one place where I can just see in my head as perfect as i can see my mom. I can almost smell it as weird as it seems. I can remember sitting on the beach infront of our hotel room and listening to the crickets and all the other little animals stiring around. just waiting and waiting for ten oclock. then the fire works go off right over the magic kingdom. they would last for about ten minutes and at the end they would have a big finally. Me and my girlfriend would sit their and look at then and then we would sit their and watch the ocean. It was very very nice. Me and her will never forget it. it makes me want to be thier now i love it so much. One day ill go back with my kids and i will show them why i like it so much. im sure they'll love it like I do.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author launches into this essay in an intriguing manner. The controlling idea promises the reader that the author knows what it is that really makes a memorable place special (“A real memorable place is more then a place were you just can remember being at. A memorable place is so much more. its a place where you can remember every little crack and crevis,even if you havnt been their in ten to fifteen years”). The author remains focused on this topic, but does not provide enough information about this memorable place to live up to the promise made. Still, the author shows some understanding of the purpose and audience of this writing prompt, and thus completes some of the assigned task.

Content & Development

The author hints that Walt Disney World was an experience that continues to evoke pleasant sensations (“Walt Disney World is the one place where I can just see in my head as perfect as i can see my mom. I can almost smell it as weird as it seems”), yet s/he provides insufficient details to follow-up and support this

idea (“then the fire works go off right over the magic kingdom. they would last for about ten minutes and at

the end they would have a big finally. Me and my girlfriend would sit their and look at then and then we would sit their and watch the ocean. It was very very nice”). This essay could be improved by the inclusion of more information about the author’s trip – what kinds of activities did the author participate in? What was the weather like?

Organization

This essay demonstrates evidence of an unfulfilled organizational structure. While the introduction is appropriate, and even insightful, the body paragraph is weak, and the conclusion is comprised of little more than a single sentence (“One day ill go back with my kids and i will show them why i like it so much. im sure they'll love it like I do”).

Language Use & Style

The author’s ability to use language creatively in support of the central theme is limited. Most of the words the author uses are simple and many sentences contain basic errors in structure (“it makes me want to be

thier now i love it so much”). Still, the author clearly speaks to the intended audience, and this essay could be improved through the use of more accurate and descriptive language.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author’s grasp of the conventions and mechanics of writing is limited. Several noticeable errors in grammar (“Me and her will never forget it”), mechanics, punctuation (“you havnt been”), and spelling (“ezilerance” and “infront”) cannot be overlooked by the reader whose understanding of the author’s message may be hampered by their presence.

Model Essay

Hi! Katherine.

I hvaen't see you for a long time. I have a lot of things to tell you. I have visited a special place during my summer vacation. It's a national park. About some rare trees.

Maybe you'll think that's a boring place full of boring trees. But! Actually there has a small village. The people there are so different. They may be the autiquity . So they have special folkway. You can see affettuoso people who always kind to you. The place there also so beautiful! You can get away from the noise of city. Feel the relax and cordiality. When you walk through the big trees. Take a deep breath! It's will give you a complete relax that you ever feel. Maybe i live in the city too long time. I have some outdoor exercise like this. I really want you can come with me next time!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay is limited in its ability to meaningfully inform the intended audience about the place that the author found so memorable. The author does establish and remain focused on a relevant controlling idea (“I hvaen't see you for a long time. I have a lot of things to tell you. I have visited a special place during my summer vacation. It's a national park”), but demonstrates significant difficulty in communicating with the intended audience. Thus while the author has attempted to do so, s/he fails to adequately complete the assigned task.

Content & Development

The author begins this essay by noting and responding to a possible concern of the reader (“Maybe you'll think that's a boring place full of boring trees. But! Actually there has a small village. The people there are so different. They may be the autiquity … Feel the relax and cordiality. When you walk through the big

trees. Take a deep breath!”). This could have been a very interesting way to elaborate on the qualities of the place visited by the author, namely the cordiality of the residents and the beauty of the forest.

However, the author is unable to provide any more than incomplete and inadequate details to support his/her choice of a state park as a memorable place.

Organization

A little evidence of an organizational scheme can be identified in this essay. It clearly begins with a simple introduction. A body paragraph develops the author’s central theme, but it is unclear if the author has

included a conclusion (“Maybe i live in the city too long time. I have some outdoor exercise like this. I

really want you can come with me next time”). A lack of transitional devices impedes the flow throughout the body.

Language Use & Style

While the level of vocabulary used by the author is appropriate for the task (“special,” “boring place,” and “outdoor exercise”), the author is mostly unsuccessful at crafting complete, accurate, and meaningful

sentences (“Feel the relax and cordiality. When you walk through the big trees. Take a deep breath! It's will give you a complete relax that you ever feel”). These basic errors seriously detract from the author’s ability to communicate through writing, even though the author shows a continued awareness of audience throughout the entire essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

As noted, one of the author’s key challenges in this essay is in his/her relative inability to create complete and meaningful sentences. These errors, in addition to other in grammar (“Actually there has a small

village”), mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

Model Essay

The most memorable place Iv been to was North Carolina.Because there was so much stuff to do and see we where so busy the hole week I did not know a week had passed. There was alot to do because we where at agreat tourist spot known as kitty hawk .It was a realy nice place to tour .

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Although the author makes an attempt at establishing a thesis (“The most memorable place Iv been to was North Carolina.”), he/she fails to create any relevant meaning or focus. The author demonstrates no understanding of the purpose of the assignment and, therefore, completes no parts of the task.

Content & Development

This essay fails to develop support for its thesis. Even though the author suggests an idea (“there was so much stuff to do and see we where so busy the hole week I did not know a week had passed. There was alot

to do because we where at agreat tourist spot known as kitty hawk”), it is not adequately elaborated or explained. This response does not inform the reader with sufficient information.

Organization

No reasonable organizational structure can be detected in this short, three-line response. It is closer to the origins of a paragraph than an essay. It is missing an introduction, body, conclusion, and transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

The author’s language use is simple and inadequate. Sentence structure and word choice are also poor and simplistic. (“There was alot to do because we where at agreat tourist spot known as kitty hawk .It was a

realy nice place to tour”) This response demonstrates no awareness of the audience and no voice.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author shows inadequate ability to control the standard conventions of written English. There are major errors in spelling (“realy”), punctuation (“Iv been to”), and grammar (“alot“) that significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Life at the beginning of the twenty-first century is very different from what life was like at the beginning of the twentieth century. Significant changes have occurred in almost every area of life; including space travel, medicine, world politics, communication, and many everyday things we take for granted.

Write an essay describing one significant change that has occurred in the world between 1900 and 2005. Explain the impact this change has made on our lives and why it is an important change.

Model Essay

Imagine a child running through a vibrant green field, showered with a rich variety of colored flowers. The soft azure sky seems to focus on the bright eye of heaven. Gentle winds toss the of child curls across his face when, quite suddenly, he trips cutting his knee on a sharp stone. His mother, who has been watching her precious treasure playing, rushes quickly to his side, “We must be quick and clean this cut.” She says with concern afflicting her voice, “otherwise an infection might set in.”

This may seem a little strange, but infections were very deadly before the turn of the century. There was nothing that doctors could do to stop them; they could possibly ease the discomfort of the patient. In our world of advanced medicine it seems strange that people suffered from simple diseases and infections that a doctor cures with one-simple visit to a hospital. Medicine has progressed incredibly in the passed one hundred years. In the past one hundred, we have discovered x-rays, uranium, medicinal radiation, drug to stop an infection, safe ways to conduct blood transfusions, organ transplants, and use artificial organs.

Since it would be impossible to name all of the medicinal achievements medical advances of the past century, let us briefly look at some of the major ones.

The first great medical achievement that I would like to draw attention to happened in 1895 to a man named Wilhelm Roentgen. While experimenting with cathode rays, Wilhelm saw a faint glow in his laboratory. A certain crystal was glowing. He turned of the cathode tube to go investigate, but as soon as he turned it off the crystal stopped glowing. Wilhelm made a compound with the crystal and coated a board with it. He then put another board between the coated board and the cathode tube, then he turned on the tube. The crystal coated board still glowed, these rays passed through wood. Next he put aluminum between the two, but even that was no match for these mysterious rays. They went through it as if it was not even there. In fact, the only thing that stopped these strange rays was lead. Sound Familiar? Then something spectacular happened. As he passed between a screen and the rays, he saw his bones and joints. “Emma!” He shouted. “Come here, quick!” She hustled into the room. He put her hand on a glass film sheet and told her to stand still. After fifteen minutes, he developed the film and came back into the room ejaculating shouts of joy for there on the glass was a clear picture of the bones in her hand. “These rays

need a name.” Emma told Wilhelm. He thought for a moment, and, being a physicist, he naturally chose the mathematical letter that designates an unknown, “x”. Since these rays were unknown, he called them “x-

rays”. These rays the Wilhelm Roentgen discovered have allowed doctors all over the world to scan patients in order to located foreign objects and fractures in the body.

Another German who contributed greatly to the field of medical science in the twentieth century was a man named Dr. Gerhard. After his service in World War I, a German chemical company asked him research a chemical panacea. While investigating a chemical dye, he found that it destroyed bacteria in the body without harming the cells of the host. What it does is a simple matter of trickery. In order for bacteria to propagate, they need acid as a main building block of the composition. The dye, more specifically the compound in the dye called sulfanilamide, tricks bacteria into thinking that it is acid. The bacteria take in the sulfanilamide and die. Dr. Gerhard tested the drug on infected rats with great success, but the real test came when his daughter fell deadly ill with an infection. Dr. Gerhard applied the compound to his

daughter, and to his great delight she recovered quickly. He published his results in 1932 which is where Dr. Perrin H. Long from Hopkins University used the drug on son of Presidents Franklin Roosevelt. After his recovery, the drug won instant success, just in time for World War II.The only set back is the drug will not work on all bacteria, but soon history would correct this with better antibiotics.

Alexander Fleming was the fulfillment. While studying deadly bacteria in his college basement laboratory, he noticed that a certain petri dish had mold that inhibited the growth of bacteria. He did several tests with rats and found that this penicillin that the mold produces. Convinced that this needed further study by a chemist instead of a physician, he wrote a paper in 1929 on this new drug. The paper lay on the shelf of the scientific community for ten years until 1939 when an Austrian physician read his paper. He studied the drug for two years, and then he conducted a human trial. The effects were just miraculous. Penicillin eventually replaced the sulfa drugs of WWI and paved the way for modern antibiotics.

Artificial organs, wonder drugs that kill harmful bacteria, complex operations, all of these thought impossible just one hundred years ago. It is amazing to see the advances that have occurred in such a short span of time. The future holds expecting discoveries. What will we see in our lifetime?

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this thoughtful essay, the author successfully maintains an insightful controlling idea. When establishing the thesis, the author artfully goes beyond traditional format to establish the statement in the second

paragraph. (“In our world of advanced medicine it seems strange that people suffered from simple diseases and infections that a doctor cures with one-simple visit to a hospital. Medicine has progressed incredibly in the passed one hundred years.“) Remaining focused on this controlling idea, which is expanded and further developed as the essay progresses, the student displays a thorough understanding of the purpose and the audience. The essay certainly completes all parts of the task very effectively.

Content & Development

This essay goes into an in-depth exploration of how medicine has developed and improved over time with the help of some great medical achievements. In the second paragraph, the author provides an overview of all of the medical advances developed in the past century. (“In the past one hundred, we have discovered x- rays, uranium, medicinal radiation, drug to stop an infection, safe ways to conduct blood transfusions,

organ transplants, and use artificial organs.”) The body paragraphs that follow offer a very detailed discussion of three of the most important medical achievements---x-rays, antibiotics, and modern penicillin. (“The effects were just miraculous. Penicillin eventually replaced the sulfa drugs of WWI and paved the way for modern antibiotics.”)

Organization

This essay is exceptionally well organized. The first paragraph acts as an attention-getter for the entire response. The second paragraph establishes the thesis and provides an outline for the remainder of the

essay. (“Since it would be impossible to name all of the medicinal achievements medical advances of the past century, let us briefly look at some of the major ones.”) Each subsequent body paragraph begins with a strong, focused topic sentence that incorporates a transitional device. (“Another German who contributed greatly to the field of medical science in the twentieth century was a man named Dr. Gerhard.”) The

conclusion summarizes the main idea and leaves readers with something to think about. (“The future holds expecting discoveries. What will we see in our lifetime?”)

Language Use & Style

This essay is composed using very effective and stylistic language use. The author is able to demonstrate a defined voice throughout the course of the essay, occasionally exhibiting his/her storytelling abilities. (“His mother, who has been watching her precious treasure playing, rushes quickly to his side, “We must be

quick and clean this cut.” She says with concern afflicting her voice, “otherwise an infection might set in.”)

This essay also demonstrates precise word choice and varied sentence structure. (“Convinced that this needed further study by a chemist instead of a physician, he wrote a paper in 1929 on this new drug.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

While not completely free of errors in spelling, punctuation, and grammar (“winds toss the of child curls across his face”), this author demonstrates very effective control over the conventions of standard written English.

Model Essay

The world we live in today is changing constantly and within it, life in itself had made dramatic changes as well. Whether the changes are in technology, medicine, space travel, world politics, etc. they are still occurring as time progresses. For instance, they way life is now is not the way it had been about one hundred years ago. This is due to the fact that people are constantly making new discoveries that are changing the way life once was and making it better for everyone. One significant change that took place between the twentieth century and twenty-first century would have to have been the numerous advances in the world of medicine.

Where would we be today if it were not for the medical advances and discoveries made between the twentieth century and the twenty-first century? The answer to this question is in fact, that humans would not get pretty far. People nowadays can expect a life up to about seventy to eighty years, or even more, while in the twentieth century, the life expectancy rate had been between forty to fifty years. Just by the advancements of medicine the life expectancy had increased by nearly thirty years. Another impact to the lives of humans is the discoveries of vaccines and antibiotics. By being able to use antibiotics and vaccines people can now cure diseases and/or illnesses that would have not been curable before. Other advancements in the medical world deal with the treatments that can now be used to deal with such things as; Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV), Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome (AIDS), cancer, etc. All in all, the world of medicine has changed dramatically in just a matter of a hundred years and continues to change.

The change in the medical field between the twentieth and twenty-first centuries poses a dramatic impact on the lives of all humans and is an important exhange. These changes has allowed for people to see more of what life has to offer because it is now possible to live longer. People can now live healthier lives and get treated for illnesses that would have turned into something severe or even deadly to one's health. The advancements in the medical world are important because with out them life in itself would not be able to go far as it is doing now. Sometimes people take for granted what they are given, bu the truth is without the medical advances, people would not have the lives they have now to take for granted. Everything would be completely different and the world today would not be the way it is now.

The world of medicine advancements and discoveries is key to life because it allows one to live. Without it people could die sooner because of diseases that have no cure, vaccines and treatments that were not discovered, and incurable diseases could spread and kill millions, if not billions of people. As someone could plainly see, the world of medicine had changed dramatically and it is not just beneficial for one person or one aspect of the world, but in reality, it is beneficial towards everyone and every aspect of the world.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This author establishes a clear thesis that demonstrates an understanding of the purpose of the task. (“One significant change that took place between the twentieth century and twenty-first century would have to

have been the numerous advances in the world of medicine.”) The author remains focused on delivering the controlling idea to the intended audience throughout the course of the essay. The author understands the assignment and successfully completes the task.

Content & Development

This essay develops ideas using specific and relevant details and examples. The first body paragraph details the advancements and discoveries made in the field of medicine in the past hundred years. (“Another impact to the lives of humans is the discoveries of vaccines and antibiotics. By being able to use antibiotics and vaccines people can now cure diseases and/or illnesses that would have not been curable before.”) The second body paragraph focuses on the changes in lifestyle medical progress has brought about. (“These changes has allowed for people to see more of what life has to offer because it is now possible to live

longer.”) By using sufficient supporting information, this author is able to effectively complete the assigned task.

Organization

This essay constructs a mostly unified organizational structure. The introductory paragraph begins with an attention-getter (“The world we live in today is changing constantly and within it, life in itself had made dramatic changes as well.”) and ends with the author’s thesis. While both body paragraphs include strong and important information, they could be further improved with more focused topic sentences. The

response, though, does demonstrate consistent use of transitional devices (“Another impact “ and “All in all”). The concluding paragraph effectively sums up the author’s points. (“The world of medicine

advancements and discoveries is key to life because it allows one to live.”)

Language Use & Style

In this response, the language use and style are appropriate and effective. The author demonstrates good word choice and some variety with sentence structure. (“People nowadays can expect a life up to about seventy to eighty years, or even more, while in the twentieth century, the life expectancy rate had been

between forty to fifty years.”) There is some evidence of voice in the student’s response, particularly in the introduction and conclusion. (“As someone could plainly see, the world of medicine had changed dramatically and it is not just beneficial for one person or one aspect of the world, but in reality, it is beneficial towards everyone and every aspect of the world.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Although this response is not without errors in spelling, grammar, and punctuation (“exhange”), the mistakes do not interfere with the author’s intended message.

Model Essay

Life at the beginning of the twentieth century was very different than what it is today. Many changes have occurred that has made this place a better world to live in. Many inventions have made it easier to live life today. Airplanes are a great example of a fabulous change. They have made life easier for us because we can travel around the world and we can also ship mail to it's destination.

People in the 1900's had no way to travel around the world and often had to travel in cars and boats to take trips. All this changed when the Wright brothers took action to everyone's problems. Wilbur and Orville were bike manufacturers who experimented with engines. While experimenting they built a biplane which flew for about 12 seconds and traveled only a few miles. People were not really surprised and few

newspapers even bothered to publish a story on them. After two years their work payed off when they made a plane which traveled 40 miles. That caught the governments attention and airplanes became famous.

Airplanes became very popular because they solved people's problems. Thanks to the airplane everyone was able to ship and receive mail in only one day instead of months. Not only did mail arrive fast but Americans were able to travel to any continent they pleased. In the beginning the idea of flying was absurd and was described as foolish. Now that the idea of flying was possible everyone was so excited and happy.

In the 1900's life was much more difficult than how it is today. Back then people weren't able to go anywhere as they pleased. Thanks to the Wright brothers people in the past and today can travel anywhere around the world in days. In today's society everyone takes everything we have for granted not realizing all the privileges we have. If it wasn't for the Wright brothers and many other inventors were would we all be today?

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay can best be described as an adequate completion of the task. The author quickly establishes a

strong controlling idea. (“Airplanes are a great example of a fabulous change.”) The response demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the assignment (“They have made life easier for us because we can travel around the world and we can also ship mail to it's destination.”) and completes many parts of the task.

Content & Development

The author uses some specific and accurate details to support his/her ideas. The first body paragraph explains how beneficial the invention the Wright brothers created was. (“People in the 1900's had no way to travel around the world and often had to travel in cars and boats to take trips.”) The second body

paragraph explores other advantages of airplanes. (“Thanks to the airplane everyone was able to ship and receive mail in only one day instead of months.”) The essay could have been improved, however, with further development of these ideas. Overall, the response does contain adequate content and development.

Organization

This essay demonstrates a generally unified structure. The introduction attempts to grab the reader’s

attention (“Life at the beginning of the twentieth century was very different than what it is today. Many changes have occurred that has made this place a better world to live in. “) and proceeds to establish the controlling idea. The two body paragraphs begin with topic sentences (“Airplanes became very popular

because they solved people's problems.”) and incorporate some transitional devices (“In the beginning” and “Now”). The conclusion summarizes the main points and leaves the reader with something to think about. (“If it wasn't for the Wright brothers and many other inventors were would we all be today?”)

Language Use & Style

The author writes in a style that is generally appropriate for this task and expresses an awareness of the audience. The response incorporates appropriate word choice and sentences that are generally well-

structured and show some variety. (“Thanks to the Wright brothers people in the past and today can travel anywhere around the world in days. In today's society everyone takes everything we have for granted not realizing all the privileges we have.”) The student at times even incorporates some instances of voice. (“In today's society everyone takes everything we have for granted not realizing all the privileges we have. If it wasn't for the Wright brothers and many other inventors were would we all be today?”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The student obviously demonstrates good control of the conventions of standard written English. Although there are a few errors in punctuation, grammar, and spelling (“payed”), these mistakes do not interfere with the author’s intended message.

Model Essay

Lots of things have changed significantly, but the most important thing would be the invention electricity. Without electricity,life would be nothing like it is now. Also, nothing or almost everything would not work, that needs electricity for it to work.

We need electricity everyday of our lives. We use it to listen to our music on our radios. Even to turn on the lights in our houses we need electricity for that. Also, you use it o warm up your food, and even sometimes to make it.Without electricity, we would not be able to turn on your T.V or DVD player. In addition, what would power your refrigorator to keep your food from spoiling. Thats why electrictyis very important to us, we can not live without it.

If we did not have electrcity, how would we power the lights to our classrooms? How would we beable to go on the computers for school? For instance, if we did not have computers, all our work would be typed for class.Finally, how would we beable to light our street lightsthat we need? Life would not go on withoutn electricty.

In this essay, it explannes to you really clear on why we need electricity to live. Its hard to think of a life without it. Can you think of one?

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author of this essay attempts to establish a focused controlling idea. (“Lots of things have changed significantly, but the most important thing would be the invention electricity.”) However, since the essay does not fully develop or maintain this thesis, the author shows little understanding of the purpose of the task. This response demonstrates only limited focus and meaning.

Content & Development

Although the author does attempt to include some details to support his/her position, the ideas are insufficiently developed. The first body paragraph essentially lists the ways in which we use electricity (“We use it to listen to our music on our radios. Even to turn on the lights in our houses we need electricity for that. Also, you use it o warm up your food, and even sometimes to make it.”) rather than fully

developing the point. The second body paragraph is simply a series of questions (“If we did not have electrcity, how would we power the lights to our classrooms? How would we beable to go on the computers for school?”) that are left unanswered.

Organization

In the course of these four short paragraphs, the author constructs a limited organizational structure. The

introduction attempts to establish the central idea (“Without electricity,life would be nothing like it is now. Also, nothing or almost everything would not work, that needs electricity for it to work.”) but is under-

developed. The body paragraphs do incorporate some transitions (“In addition” and “For instance”) but do not focus the ideas with topic sentences.

Language Use & Style

The author’s language is mediocre, marked by simple and occasionally confused sentences. (“How would we beable to go on the computers for school? For instance, if we did not have computers, all our work would be typed for class.”) Although word choice is limited, it is not wholly inappropriate. (“In this essay, it explannes to you really clear on why we need electricity to live.”) The essay does attempt to address an audience, although the language use is somewhat insufficient.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author demonstrates limited control of conventions and mechanics. There are several noticeable errors in spelling (“electrictyis”) and punctuation (“Thats why”).The errors somewhat interfere with the intended message.

Model Essay

Cell phones

In my opinion the best invention during the 1900's would be the cellular phone mmmost commonly known as the cell phone.The cellis a way to communicate with one another cordlessand without a inclosed area.With a cell phone one can talk freely around the nation.

The cell phone is usualy about the size of a small calculater. There are many different tipes of cell phones. some are known as flip phones and some are known as banana phone but this all dipends on the shape and compasity.

there are many different companies such as Nokia,Cingular,AT&T whireless,Verizon, Sprint and T mobal.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response suggests a controlling idea (“In my opinion the best invention during the 1900's would be the cellular phone mmmost commonly known as the cell phone.”), but it is unclear and underdeveloped. The author does not maintain or support the idea with meaningful details and, therefore, completes few parts of the task. This essay demonstrates only a minimal understanding of the purpose of the assignment.

Content & Development

This response develops ideas incompletely and inadequately. The first paragraph attempts to describe the advantages of cell phone, but is unable to clearly and adequately develop this idea. (“The cellis a way to communicate with one another cordlessand without a inclosed area.With a cell phone one can talk freely around the nation.”) A few details are used to support the main idea (“The cell phone is usualy about the size of a small calculater. There are many different tipes of cell phones.”), but they are not explained, nor

do they adequately respond to the prompt. The content and development of this response are quite minimal.

Organization

Little evidence of structure is detected in this response. While an effort at paragraphing is indicated, the paragraphs are too brief to demonstrate adequate organization. The introduction lacks appropriate development and focus. The first body paragraph does not include a topic sentence or a relevant focus. Additionally, the third paragraph is a cluster of words or an unfinished thought. The essay lacks a concluding paragraph and transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

The essay is composed using poor word choice and simple sentence structure. (“There are many different tipes of cell phones. some are known as flip phones and some are known as banana phone but this all

dipends on the shape and compasity.”) The errors in language use are distracting to the reader and, therefore, show little awareness of audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

Several significant errors are easily detected in this essay (“mmmost”, “tipes” and “compasity”). Such

mistakes in spelling, punctuation, and grammar question the author’s ability to control the conventions of standard written English.

Model Essay

One of the greatis Impact that has happend over the last hundred years Is the car. If cars were not evented traveling would be much harter to get around geting places would take more time to get their. But becouse of cars there has been much more pollution. And deaths have incressed 40%.Cars have a good and bad impact in life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Although the author makes an attempt at establishing a thesis (“One of the greatis Impact that has happend over the last hundred years Is the car.”), he/she fails to create any relevant meaning or focus. The author demonstrates no understanding of the purpose of the assignment and, therefore, completes no parts of the task.

Content & Development

This essay fails to develop support for its thesis. Even though the author suggests an idea (“But becouse of cars there has been much more pollution. And deaths have incressed 40%.”), it is not elaborated or adequately explained. This response does not inform the reader with sufficient information.

Organization

No reasonable organizational structure can be detected in this response. Although the author seems to attempt an introduction in the first sentence (“One of the greatis Impact that has happened…”) and a

concluding statement in the last sentence (“Cars have a good and bad impact in life.”), the brevity of the essay hinders any discernable organization.

Language Use & Style

The author’s language use is simple, unclear, and sometimes incoherent. (“If cars were not evented

traveling would be much harter to get around geting places would take more time to get their.”) Major errors in sentence structure, word choice, and usage detract from the presentation of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author shows inadequate ability to control the standard conventions of written English. There are major errors in spelling (“greatis”), punctuation, and grammar that significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

If you could operate your own business, what would you choose? It could be anything from a retail enterprise such as a clothing boutique, sporting goods store, or art gallery, to a food service or entertainment business such as a restaurant, coffee shop, or bowling alley.

In a well-developed essay, explain what type of business you would like to own and why. Include details to support your explanation.

Model Essay

Our town is a very small town and already has a wide variety of businesses open, which means when somebody is going to open up a new business, they have to be aware of the completion their business is going to have. For example, this town has already more than twenty Mexican food restaurants open; therefore it would not be a good idea to open another Mexican restaurant because there is already too many of them here. Obviously, you have to think about other business options. Still, you cannot open a business that is only for big cities or that is very expensive because of budgets here. We are a city but not a very big one. Although it is a city, people do not make much money here and with that in mind people are not willing to spend much. On the other hand, it is a border town and that may be helpful towards businesses.

It is true, of course, that this city does not have a very high budget, but it being a border town helps the city a little more. Hundredths of people from Mexico cross to our town every day. In that case, a lot of money is spent in businesses. Undoubtedly, people need something new, something different that is not available much in this city. According to my observations, this city needs some place where people can go and hang out, relax and have some dessert.

Here, we do not have many dessert places we can go to. The only place I can think of for dessert is Dairy Queen and it is only an ice cream shop. What if people want a type of cake, or a certain chocolate, maybe even cookies? A dessert shop should have all these things in it. This dessert place should have a variety of everything. By everything I mean cookies, chocolate tasting, frozen yogurt should be available, bakery goods, refreshments, and surely some appetizers like pizza or fries and maybe even sandwiches or subs. A bakery can be established as a retail business from a storefront location selling baked goods to consumers, or a bakery can be established as a wholesale business selling baked goods to food retailers and institutions. Additionally, many bakeries will operate both as a retail and wholesale business to increase the size of their potential market as well as revenues and profits. Establishing a bakery is a very straightforward process with one exception, the best bakers possess bakers trade papers, so be prepared to hire a qualified baker, or take the time necessary to become one. The profit potential is good for a bakery, especially if the business focuses on both retail and wholesale baked goods.

Starting a business that creates chocolate candies and treats is a great new enterprise to initiate, and the business can easily be formed as a joint venture with an established catering service or restaurant. The purpose of forming the joint venture with an established business is to greatly reduce the amount of startup capital required to get the business rolling. A joint venture can enable you to use the partner's commercial kitchen, and in some cases the existing employees and customer base. The chocolate candies and treats can be sold to specialty retailers on a wholesale basis, or directly to chocolate loving consumers via a sales kiosk, factory direct outlet or website. Additionally, be sure to investigate the potential for forming alliances with charity groups, schools and organizations, as students, volunteers, or members can be enlisted to sell packaged chocolate candies with partial proceeds going back to support community charities and programs. When a business is well sorted with a variety of many things it will make more money because people will have many options on what to spend their money on. Many times, people go into a store not knowing what they are going to buy because they are not sure what they are craving. Or they go in

thinking they want one thing and end up getting more than one thing, although if you want people to get to your business it needs to be at a good location.

Location is extremely important for any sort of business. I want to open my business as close to the border as it can be. I want to open it close to the border so it will be assessable to all the people that cross from Mexico. Not only that but because most of the people that cross, cross walking. Evidently, if the business is at a really far location people are not going to want to walk to it and it will lose many customers. It is also important to have space for people to dine in if they want too. Not too much space because if many people do not dine in then the place is going to look empty. My business is going to be a sizable operation, not too big, but not too small. Taking budget in mind, I need a property that is not too expensive.

A good size property will cost about twenty to thirty thousand dollars. Plus, the expenses spent on buying everything that I am going to sell and the employees. Everything will turn out to be at least about fifty thousand dollars. When hiring the employees, you want to pay them well so that they can do their job well. I will start my employees at about eight dollars an hour and if they do a good job I will higher their salary. The costs on the items I sell cannot be really high. Nothing that I sell will cost more than twelve dollars.

This way, I will make money and then this will make up for all the expenses that I have made opening this business. I will advertise my business everywhere by giving out flyers and spreading the words also by putting it in the newspaper. Most important of all, when opening a business you need patience. I am not expecting to make the money I spent in a week, but I will maybe make it in a month or two if the business goes well which I know it will.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by very effectively using an interesting, engaging statement or a question at the beginning of the introduction. (“Our town is a very small town and already has a wide variety of businesses open, which means when somebody is going to open up a new business, they have to be aware of the completion their business is going to have.”)

Sufficient background information is provided to help readers unfamiliar with the prompt understand the setting. (“We are a city but not a very big one. Although it is a city, people do not make much money here and with that in mind people are not willing to spend much.”)

The language is appropriate for any audience. Little or no slang is used, and the tone is professional. (“The profit potential is good for a bakery, especially if the business focuses on both retail and wholesale baked goods.”)

Essays at this level rarely, if ever, contain irrelevant information, although they may occasionally contain information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information does not impede meaning.

Content & Development

The essay develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details for support. The essay’s relevant points explain and illustrate very effectively.

Relevant points and examples explain and illustrate the thesis very effectively. For example, the writer uses several examples of the products he or she intends to sell. (“This dessert place should have a variety of everything. By everything I mean cookies, chocolate tasting, frozen yogurt should be available, bakery goods, refreshments, and surely some appetizers like pizza or fries and maybe even sandwiches or subs.”)

The writer very effectively and thoroughly discusses the type of business he or she plans to open, marketing strategies, and the location where he or she plans to set up the business. (“I want to open my business as close to the border as it can be. I want to open it close to the border so it will be assessable to all the people that cross from Mexico.”)

Numerous supporting details develop the example well. Details like this help the readers to understand some of the challenges involved in creating this type of business. (“Establishing a bakery is a very straightforward process with one exception, the best bakers possess bakers trade papers, so be prepared to hire a qualified baker, or take the time necessary to become one.”)

Organization

The introduction creatively grabs the readers' attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“Our town is a very small town and already has a wide variety of businesses open, which means when somebody is going to open up a new business, they have to be aware of the completion their business is going to have.”)

The introduction includes very effective background information about the topic. (“For example, this town has already more than twenty Mexican food restaurants open; therefore it would not be a good idea to open another Mexican restaurant because there is already too many of them here.”)

The conclusion summarizes many of the ideas presented and provides readers with a sense of closure. In

this case, the conclusion also gives the readers more to think about. (“Most important of all, when opening a business you need patience. I am not expecting to make the money I spent in a week, but I will maybe make it in a month or two if the business goes well which I know it will.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. The writer uses well-structured and varied sentences.

Language and tone are consistent and appropriate for the audience. There is little or no use of informal

language or slang. (“A joint venture can enable you to use the partner's commercial kitchen, and in some cases the existing employees and customer base.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his or her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. By creating interesting and complex sentence structures, the essay flows more easily. Well-constructed sentences also add to the writer’s credibility. (“My business is going to be a sizable operation, not too big, but not too small.”)

Essays at this level rarely contain minor errors in language usage or style, and the vast majority of the content is clear and correct. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors that are present never impede meaning. However, the writer should attempt to combine or rephrase sentences that are fragmented or rephrase them entirely to strengthen the essay. (“Or they go in thinking they want one thing and end up getting more than one thing, although if you want people to get to your business it needs to be at a good location.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay uses very effective control of conventions and mechanics. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling.

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and each sentence is indented when beginning a new paragraph. (“Additionally, be sure to investigate the potential for forming alliances with charity groups, schools and organizations, as students, volunteers, or members can be enlisted to sell packaged chocolate candies with partial proceeds going back to support community charities and programs.”)

Apostrophes are generally used correctly, but there may be one or two minor errors that need to be addressed. (“Establishing a bakery is a very straightforward process with one exception, the best bakers

possess bakers trade papers, so be prepared to hire a qualified baker, or take the time necessary to become one.”)

Essays at this level rarely contain errors in mechanics and conventions, and errors that are present never impede meaning. For example, the writer occasionally fails to use commas where appropriate. (“Not only that but because most of the people that cross, cross walking.”)

Model Essay

Event planning is something that I've always been interested in when I was little I was the one to plan my birthday parties detail by detail. The idea of putting different things into something to create an event intrigues and excites me. I feel like I was born to put together meetings, parades, and any kind of celebration. I know I will give everything I have into this business because I will be doing something I like and feel passionate about. I see event planning not just a job. I see it as something fun and never boring.

Event planning consists of many other branches and not just planning the outline of the event. Contacts are needed in order to have different things involved in your business that will make your business successful and well known. The contacts you must have are other small business successful and well known. The contacts you must have are other small businesses that own things like chairs, tables, sound, décor, and security. The reason why having good quality stuff is important because once you create that memorable and amazing day for the client they are going to promote you by telling their close friends which company was the one responsible for such exquisite party. All this small businesses are necessary because parties need many things to make them memorable and safe.

Promoting your business is required in order to get known and have loyal clients. There's many ways to promote something but jobs like event planners need to really make an effort to get known. I would pass out flyers and put billboards near to event localities and downtown. Attending to wedding, party, and other event conventions is an easy way to put your name and business name and business out there for people to hear about you. People want to be able to see what you can do so having pictures of past work. A business that isn't promote well will never be as successful as they want it to be because in order to attract clients, clients have to hear about you.

Finally, limiting to certain group of events won't get you far. I know people that work as wedding planners or kids party planner. I want to go even further I want to plan big events like campaigns, fashion shows, parades, or even conventions. Expanding your horizons and knowledge will always get you far. It might be difficult to have a wide option of events to make but it is possible to master every single celebration if you work hard and get inspired with the best parades, parties, and meetings in the world. Is there competition out there? Of course there is but I truly believe those who are passionate and have what it takes, can make it. I'm more than ready to start shaping my future and go out there a start a business of my own.

I know I'm young but I already have some kind of experience. I've planned many big parties of my own to very reasonable prices and I have done other people's parties that have been a success. The first event I ever planned was my aunt's baby shower. She gave me 2,500 dollars and that covered location, food, decoration,

music gifts, and drinks. 2,500 for a big bash is nothing! And the best part is that it is considered by her family the best baby shower yet.

I look forward to a future filled with surprises and challenging jobs. The reason why I look forward to that is because I know my job will never get boring and I will have the time of my life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay uses good focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea, demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes most parts of the task.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by using an interesting, engaging statement or a question at the beginning of the introduction. There is little background information provided, but readers can still understand the purpose of the essay. (“I see event planning not just a job. I see it as something fun and never boring.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. (“There's many ways to promote something but jobs like event planners need to really make an effort to get known. I would pass out flyers and put billboards near to event localities and downtown.”)

The essay mostly uses words that are appropriate for the audience. The writer does not use slang or other versions of informal language. (“Is there competition out there? Of course there is but I truly believe those who are passionate and have what it takes, can make it.”)

Essays at this level never contain irrelevant information, although they may occasionally contain information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information does not impede meaning.

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient and appropriate details for support.

Body paragraphs use a variety of ideas that explain the essay’s main idea. (“I know people that work as wedding planners or kids party planner. I want to go even further I want to plan big events like campaigns, fashion shows, parades, or even conventions.”)

Ideally, essays at this level should include at least three main ideas and incorporate several supporting details for each idea. Details help explain the main ideas and give the writer more credibility. (“There's many ways to promote something but jobs like event planners need to really make an effort to get known. I would pass out flyers and put billboards near to event localities and downtown.”)

Although not necessary for this type of essay, the writer addresses possible questions readers may have by posing and answering a question. (“Is there competition out there? Of course there is but I truly believe those who are passionate and have what it takes, can make it.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and consistent use of transitional devices.

Some background information is provided to help readers understand the purpose of the essay. (“Event planning is something that I've always been interested in when I was little I was the one to plan my birthday parties detail by detail.”)

The introduction ends with a good thesis statement that specifically tells readers what the essay is going to be about. (“I see event planning not just a job. I see it as something fun and never boring.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“Finally, limiting to certain group of events won't get you far.”)

The conclusion summarizes some of the ideas presented and provides readers with a sense of closure. (“I look forward to a future filled with surprises and challenging jobs. The reason why I look forward to that is because I know my job will never get boring and I will have the time of my life.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice, a clear sense of audience, and well-structured sentences with some variety.

Some word choice is too informal, but the majority of the content maintains a respectful tone. (“2,500 for a big bash is nothing!”)

Sentences are varied in length. Generally, this helps improve readability. (“I look forward to a future filled with surprises and challenging jobs. The reason why I look forward to that is because I know my job will never get boring and I will have the time of my life.”)

Essays at this level rarely contain minor errors in language usage or style, and the vast majority of the content is clear and correct. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors that are present never impede meaning. (“I've planned many big parties of my own to very reasonable prices and I have done other people's parties that have been a success.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay uses good control of conventions and mechanics. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message.

For example, most sentences begin with a capital letter, have a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, and are indented when beginning a new paragraph.

There may be some minor errors in comma usage or spelling, but these errors do not interfere with meaning nor seriously undermine the writer’s credibility. (“Is there competition out there? Of course there is but I

truly believe those who are passionate and have what it takes, can make it.”)

Essays at this level rarely contain errors in mechanics and conventions, and errors that are present rarely or never impede meaning. For example, the writer occasionally fails to use commas where appropriate. (“The reason why having good quality stuff is important because once you create that memorable and amazing day for the client they are going to promote you by telling their close friends which company was the one responsible for such exquisite party.”)

Model Essay

If I could operate my own business It would be in the sneaker business. I would operate a sneaker business because I know alot about shoes and shoe accessories. The second reason I would open a shoe store is because I could help people around the world. The last reason I would open a sneaker business is because I could enjoy selling Shoes and help out my family.

The first reason I would operate a sneaker business is because I know alot about shoes and shoe accessories. Ever since I was little I was into shoes and I know what type of shoes and other accessories' people like. Most people like Nike and Jordan brand. If I were to open my own store and provide only Jordan and Nike items many people would be interested in my store. I also know what shoe releases are important to people who love shoes. If I get the new releases of popular shoe's people would camp out for them making my store even more popular and bringing more profit. My business would become one of the most successful stores in the region. Knowing about shoes is the most important part of owning this business and I believe I have the knowledge to own this type of business and it would be something I would enjoy doing.

The second reason I would own a shoe business would be to help people around the world. There are people around the world that don't have money to even by shoes! Just as an example many kids in Africa are in need of clothes and shoes. They walk around barefoot and risk hurting their foot. I think everyone should own a pair of shoes, don't you? My idea is to open a shoe business and provide poor people around the world with fresh, clean, and new shoes. It would save them from injuries such as stepping on glass and other sharp items. This idea would also the risk of getting a disease such as foot fungus and others. Many people would thank me and my sneaker business making me more famous. I would also have the satisfaction that I am doing something good for the world.

Finally, the last reason I would own a shoe business is because it would be something I would enjoy and I could help out my family. I love dealing with shoes in every shape and way. Other people think shoes are just shoes but not me! I find it as a cool and creative way of expressing yourself. My business would make alot of people happy and grateful! This business would also help my family out. My family isn't a rich family, and we often struggle financially. By owning this business I could provide my family with new shoes. I could also support my family with the profit from the shoe business. Not only am I making other people happy but also my own family. Owning this business would make me the happiest person in the world!

In conclusion, If I could operate a business It would be a sneaker business. The reasons' I would operate a sneaker business is because I know alot about sneakers, I could help people around the world, and because I would enjoy doing it and help my family out. Overall; owning a shoe business would be something I can see myself doing and enjoying.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea, demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes many parts of the task.

The essay does not include a very interesting introduction, but it does successfully introduce the purpose of the essay to readers who may be unfamiliar with the prompt. (“If I could operate my own business It would be in the sneaker business”)

The essay understands the intended audience adequately. It mostly uses words that are appropriate for the audience. It rarely or does not use slang or other versions of informal language. (“My business would make alot of people happy and grateful! This business would also help my family out.”)

Essays at this level rarely contain irrelevant information, although they may occasionally contain information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information rarely impedes meaning, but it may occasionally distract from the thesis. (“Most people like Nike and Jordan brand. If I were to open my own store and provide only Jordan and Nike items many people would be interested in my store.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. It develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support.

The main ideas of the body paragraph support the thesis. (“Finally, the last reason I would own a shoe business is because it would be something I would enjoy and I could help out my family.”)

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. For example, the writer explains his or her

expertise in the field by explaining the thinking of the average customer. (“Ever since I was little I was into shoes and I know what type of shoes and other accessories' people like. Most people like Nike and Jordan brand.”)

The essay includes facts, statistics, examples, brief narratives, or explanations about each of the main ideas, although more specific examples would help give the writer's reasoning more credibility. (“By owning this business I could provide my family with new shoes. I could also support my family with the profit from the shoe business.”)

Organization

The introduction initiates readers to the purpose of the essay but does not do so in a creative or interesting way. Very little background information is provided to help readers unfamiliar with the prompt understand the writer's intent. (“If I could operate my own business It would be in the sneaker business.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. They are rather simplistic, but they do effectively help readers move between ideas. (“The second reason I would own a shoe business would be to help people around the world.”)

Some ideas could be organized more appropriately. For example, the writer includes a comment about the demand for his or her particular shoe store in the middle of a paragraph about his or her expertise in the business. The writer should create a new paragraph to discuss the popularity of his or her proposal or remove the comment entirely. (“If I get the new releases of popular shoe's people would camp out for them making my store even more popular and bringing more profit.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence complexity and sentence lengths are adequately varied. This helps improve readability and keeps the readers interested. (“Ever since I was little I was into shoes and I know what type of shoes and other accessories' people like. Most people like Nike and Jordan brand.”)

While most of the content is clear and correctly structured, some sentences are too long. Breaking these into separate sentences would help readers understand the writer's intent and improve readability. (“Knowing about shoes is the most important part of owning this business and I believe I have the knowledge to own this type of business and it would be something I would enjoy doing.”)

Some sentences are poorly structured and should be rephrased or broken up into shorter statements. Errors like this are not common, but they can damage the writer’s credibility. (“Knowing about shoes is the most important part of owning this business and I believe I have the knowledge to own this type of business and it would be something I would enjoy doing.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, many sentences begin with a capital letter, many sentences have a subject and a verb, many sentences end with a punctuation mark, and many sentences are indented when beginning a new paragraph. (“Finally, the last reason I would own a shoe business is because it would be something I would enjoy and I could help out my family.”)

There may be some minor errors in comma usage or spelling, but these errors usually do not interfere with meaning nor seriously undermine the writer’s credibility. (“The reasons' I would operate a sneaker business is because I know alot about sneakers, I could help people around the world, and because I would enjoy doing it and help my family out.”)

Overall, essays at this level contain few errors in mechanics and conventions, and errors that are present rarely impede meaning.

Model Essay

If I could own a business when I am all done with my education and if I had the chance in the future I'd say to myself "May this day forward I'd love to have (OWN) a designing/clothing business." Designing for me would have make me proud, because I admire clothes types of fashion. Knowing that we all use clothes (of course) and have a specific type of clothing's to our own personality, and brings expressing ourselves and having a 'Lil bit of fashion to whom selves, we all need clothing and fashion in life so that is one part of why I what to become/have a designing business, And I would be able to make others happy.

Fashion. Just saying the elegant word makes me have the goose bumps. Seems like the world without fashion would be just a plain made of unfashioned desire . Today, yesterday, weeks before, back in the days; fashion was brilliant! Wearing many different types of clothes every year, century, and day. That is what I call fashion. I love it and think I could bring new eyes to the industry with this knowledge.

Back in the 1700 the fashion was like puffy dresses, wire secret dresses, pretty men and women wearing wigs, using fancy "fresh cut clothes/dresses. Because they're influenced by the European people by their fashion, majority of the clothes occurs tall and narrow. The ladies shoes were uncomfortable with their curved heels, squash toes, and tie over the instep. This gave way in the second decade of the 18th century to a shoe with a high, curved heel. The fashion of the colors and fabrics precisely basically black silk hoods, dark or dull colors for the "wise " women, Younger women wore light or bright colors, but the preference was for solid-colored silks.

Same with the 1800 clothing's but not exact- they're countless different from the 1700.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience and completes only some parts of the task.

The essay does include a thesis that introduces the readers to the topic and provides some understanding as to the purpose of the essay. (“If I could own a business when I am all done with my education and if I had the chance in the future I'd say to myself 'May this day forward I'd love to have (OWN) a

designing/clothing business.'”)

While the writer does make an attempt to directly address the prompt, technical problems with the writing make it difficult to understand the writer's intent. (“Designing for me would have make me proud, because I admire clothes types of fashion.”)

Overall, the tone is appropriate for the audience. (“Same with the 1800 clothing's but not exact- they're countless different from the 1700.”)

Essays at this level occasionally contain irrelevant information, although usually it is information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information sometimes impedes meaning, but more often, it simply distracts from the thesis. In this case, much of the information provided does not support the thesis. (“Today, yesterday, weeks before, back in the days; fashion was brilliant! Wearing

many different types of clothes every year, century, and day. That is what I call fashion”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. It develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support.

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. (“Back in the 1700 the fashion was like puffy dresses, wire secret dresses, pretty men and women wearing wigs, using fancy ‘fresh cut

clothes/dresses.”)

The writing does include some interesting and helpful details, but the writer fails to tie these ideas into the thesis. (“The ladies shoes were uncomfortable with their curved heels, squash toes, and tie over the instep. This gave way in the second decade of the 18th century to a shoe with a high, curved heel.”)

The essay includes some details to support the ideas presented, but they are only somewhat successful. Additional details or examples would help to improve the quality of the essay. (“I love it and think I could bring new eyes to the industry with this knowledge.”)

Organization

The essay has limited organization. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. The essay also lacks paragraphing and effective transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates some evidence of a good introduction. It introduces the topic and gives the readers an idea as to the writer's position. (“If I could own a business when I am all done with my education and if I had the chance in the future I'd say to myself 'May this day forward I'd love to have (OWN) a

designing/clothing business.'”)

Transitions are used but only occasionally and not very effectively. The writer should include additional transitions to help organize ideas and help readers move between ideas easily. (“Back in the 1700 the

fashion was like puffy dresses, wire secret dresses, pretty men and women wearing wigs, using fancy ‘fresh cut clothes/dresses.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates simple language and word choice and some awareness of audience and control of voice.

Sentences in the essay lack well-developed structure. Some may be too long or too short, and some may be fragmented, which makes them v

ery difficult to understand. (“Today, yesterday, weeks before, back in the days; fashion was brilliant! Wearing many different types of clothes every year, century, and day. That is what I call fashion”)

Essays at this level often contain sentences that are too long and have too many ideas, or they contain sentences that are too short and lack sophistication. In this case, the writer should concentrate on making sentences shorter. This will help improve readability and reduce the likelihood of errors. (“If I could own a business when I am all done with my education and if I had the chance in the future I'd say to myself 'May this day forward I'd love to have (OWN) a designing/clothing business.'”)

The essay may include slang or other forms of informal language. (“Back in the 1700 the fashion was like puffy dresses, wire secret dresses, pretty men and women wearing wigs, using fancy ‘fresh cut

clothes/dresses.”)

Some word choice is poor. The writer should consider using a thesaurus to select words that are more

appropriate. (“Seems like the world without fashion would be just a plain made of unfashioned desire .”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer should begin each sentence with a capital letter, make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, and end each sentence with a punctuation mark. For the most part, the writer successfully

incorporates these conventions. (“I love it and think I could bring new eyes to the industry with this knowledge.”)

Generally, essays at this level contain some errors in mechanics and conventions, and errors that are present may impede meaning. (“Today, yesterday, weeks before, back in the days; fashion was brilliant! Wearing many different types of clothes every year, century, and day. That is what I call fashion”)

Some spelling errors are present. (“Seems like the world without fashion would be just a plain made of unfashioned desire .”)

Serious errors like these can undermine the writer’s credibility. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his or her writing.

Model Essay

If I were to own a business it would definantly be a candy store!!! only because I LOVE candy!!! and everyone loves candy especially little kids. Im always eating candy I love all kinds of candy and in my store I would have all different kinds of candy from starbursts to every flavoured jelly beans. I would even have different kinds of sodas and have it be kind of a fifties theme and have a juke box and the cool red bar stools and the black and white checkered floor. I would make my candy store very friendly and welcoming. It would be a very fun place to be. It would be place where people could just come and talk and just let their mind relax while they drink a soda or eat some candy. I would also have pictures of old celebbrities like Elvis presley and Mailyn Monroe and Luciell Ball, Audry Hepburn all those people, it would just be a fun place to come maybe a high school hang out too so it could be a candy store slash diner. I have this whole thing planned out and it looks very fun and acomplished in my mind. I really think it would be very fun but im not sure if it will happen, but if it does it will be very fun to run a candy store business.

so if I were to wond a business thats what it would be, I thinnk it would be very fun. And I also think it would go very well too.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. The writer suggests a controlling idea but demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and completes few parts of the task.

The essay includes a clear thesis but does little to grab readers' attention or provide background information about the topic. Readers unfamiliar with the prompt will have difficulty understanding the purpose of the

essay. (“If I were to own a business it would definantly be a candy store!!! only because I LOVE candy!!!”)

The writing style is not appropriate for the audience. (“If I were to own a business it would definantly be a candy store!!! only because I LOVE candy!!!”)

Essays at this level may or may not contain irrelevant information. This type of additional information sometimes impedes meaning, but more often, it simply distracts from the thesis. (“Im always eating candy I love all kinds of candy and in my store I would have all different kinds of candy from starbursts to every flavoured jelly beans.”)

Content & Development

The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support. There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement.

Some ideas successfully help to provide readers with an idea what the store would provide. (“ I would even have different kinds of sodas and have it be kind of a fifties theme and have a juke box and the cool red bar stools and the black and white checkered floor.”)

Supporting details are needed to help support each idea. The writer does provide some details, but there are not enough. Details like this give readers a mental image of the store and help promote the writer's

credibility. (“ would also have pictures of old celebbrities like Elvis presley and Mailyn Monroe and Luciell Ball, Audry Hepburn all those people, it would just be a fun place to come maybe a high school hang out too so it could be a candy store slash diner.”)

While the writer does a good job of explaining what the business would look like, additional details about the products offered might provide the writer with more content to discuss. (“so if I were to wond a business thats what it would be, I thinnk it would be very fun. And I also think it would go very well too.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of structure, with a poor introduction and conclusion, and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The introduction is brief and far too informal. Background information about the topic is not included. Readers unfamiliar with the prompt may have difficulty understanding the purpose of the essay. (“If I were to own a business it would definantly be a candy store!!! only because I LOVE candy!!!”)

There are few or no transitional devices to help connect ideas. Paragraphing is used infrequently. (“so if I were to wond a business thats what it would be, I thinnk it would be very fun. And I also think it would go very well too.”)

The conclusion does little to leave the readers with something to think about. It summarizes only some of the ideas presented. Finally, it provides readers with very little sense of closure. (“so if I were to wond a business thats what it would be, I thinnk it would be very fun. And I also think it would go very well too.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience. The writer makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay is highly informal. The writer should use words and phrases appropriate for any audience. (“If I were to own a business it would definantly be a candy store!!! only because I LOVE candy!!!”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. Some sentences may be fragmented. (“so if I were to wond a business thats what it would be, I thinnk it would be very fun. And I also think it would go very well

too.”)

Essays at this level often contain serious errors in the use of language and style. Some of the writer's ideas may be good, but carelessly constructed sentences may impede meaning or damage the writer’s credibility. (“ would also have pictures of old celebbrities like Elvis presley and Mailyn Monroe and Luciell Ball, Audry Hepburn all those people, it would just be a fun place to come maybe a high school hang out too so it could be a candy store slash diner.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer does not make sure each sentence begins with a capital letter sentence, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and each sentence is indented when beginning a new paragraph. (“so if I were to wond a business thats what it would be, I thinnk it would be very fun. And I also think it would go very well too.”)

Essays at this level contain errors in mechanics and conventions. Poor spelling and incorrect comma usage is especially prevalent. (“ would also have pictures of old celebbrities like Elvis presley and Mailyn Monroe and Luciell Ball, Audry Hepburn all those people, it would just be a fun place to come maybe a

high school hang out too so it could be a candy store slash diner.”) Errors like these may impede meaning or damage the writer’s credibility.

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his or her writing.

Model Essay

i would like to own a clothing store. My store would have some the latest name brand outfits and shoes. I know that there are bootleggers out there. I don't want a bootleg store, My store will have the real deal.

Not only i will have the actual clothing and shoes people will be looking for but they will be cheaper than they are usually are. Who would wnt to pay $125.00 for a pair of Coogi jeans when they can 75% of that for two pair. I know people would love that, I know i would! I believe that i would make good service for the customers who will be visiting my store

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer fails to establish a controlling idea, demonstrates no understanding of purpose and audience, and completes no parts of the task.

The thesis is unclear and poorly phrased. Readers unfamiliar with the prompt may have difficulty understanding the purpose of the essay. (“i would like to own a clothing store.”)

The essay lacks awareness of audience by including slang or other versions of informal language. (“I don't want a bootleg store, My store will have the real deal.”)

Other pieces of information having little or nothing to do with the prompt task may be included. In this case, most of the content is on topic, but additional details are needed to fully assess the writer's focus. The prompt requires the writer to discuss why he or she wants to open this type of business. Very little of the essay directly addresses this requirement.

Content & Development

The writer fails to develop ideas and does not use details for support. Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay.

Very little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. The writer describes some of the features of the store, but he or she does very little to address why a clothing store would be preferable to another type of business. (“I know people would love that, I know i would!”)

At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. The writer does include some details that may support the thesis, but additional explanation is needed. For example, the writer could address why a “bootleg” store not preferable to the “real deal.” Instead, readers must infer the writer's meaning. (“I don't want a bootleg store, My store will have the real deal.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates little or no evidence of a unified structure, no introduction or conclusion, and little or no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a good introduction. There is a thesis, but there is no background information or information that would help readers understand the purpose of the prompt. (“i would like to own a clothing store.”)

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. A creative introduction may include a question or an interesting anecdote that draws readers in and encourages them to continue reading. While this is not essential, it does help improve the readability of the essay. (“i would like to own a clothing

store.”)

Transitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. Paragraphing is not used. There is no concluding paragraph, but there is a brief attempt to provide readers with a sense of closure. The writer should summarize some of the ideas presented or give readers something new to think about. (“I believe that i would make good service for the customers who will be visiting my store”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Some word choice is far too informal for the audience. Other words may be appropriate, but they are used incorrectly. The writer should use a thesaurus to help replace words or phrases that are used incorrectly. (“I don't want a bootleg store, My store will have the real deal.”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. Missing words may impede meaning. (“Who would wnt to pay $125.00 for a pair of Coogi jeans when they can 75% of that for two pair.”)

Some sentences in the essay are too long and have too many ideas, while some may be too short and unsophisticated. Some sentences should be broken apart or separated with a semicolon. (“I know people would love that, I know i would!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer should begin each sentence with a capital letter, ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, and indent when beginning a new paragraph. Simple errors

like this undermine the writer's credibility. (“i would like to own a clothing store.”)

In some cases, errors in mechanics and conventions are so severe that they significantly undermine the writer’s credibility and message coherence. Here, readers can usually infer the writer's intent, but

additional content is necessary to fully assess the writer's capabilities. (“Who would wnt to pay $125.00 for a pair of Coogi jeans when they can 75% of that for two pair.”)

Think about a time when you experienced prejudice, either as a victim, perpetrator, or observer. How did this experience change you and your perceptions of others?

Write an essay in which you describe this experience and relate it to the changes you experienced as a result. Be sure to support your exposition with details and insight that make the experience and its results clear to your audience.

Model Essay

We can all be accused of judging someone at least once in our lives. Of course, all of us regret it. Prejudice is wrong in every type of way and needs to be stopped. I know that one way I’ve judged someone is just by the way they look. I know it’s wrong, but unfortunately I have done it. If people do find out about what you have said about them, it hurts really badly. You try to fix it, though the damage

has already been done. In time, they most likely will forgive you, but you will never forget what you said in the past although it is now the future.

By being pre-judged by others, I know the pain from learning what they’ve said. One of the times I have hurt someone, I found out that she was going through hard times in her life and was completely disappointed in myself. She needed me and all I was doing was stabbing her in the back because she wasn’t paying her full attention to me. From that experience, I have learned to love everyone and in return, I’ll be loved and have help when I need it from all of those I have given help to. The greatest lesson you’ll ever learn is to love and be loved in return.

When I lived in Connecticut, we were doing a class project and one day, the teacher asked if anyone was Mormon in the class. I was the only one to raise my hand. Like the Jews in WWII, I stood up for what I believed in. The Holocaust was a time in history that no one will forget. The Jews were persecuted because of what they believed in, no one took the time to find out anything about Jews; they just thought that they were evil. If someone did stand up for the Jews, they were killed. Learning of their tragic fate taught me to never judge other religions because I have my own. Anyone with a religion knows that it is a part of you that you won’t give up and if people don’t like that then they don’t have to hear about it. We go on with our lives as normal as anyone else.

There are different social stabilities throughout the United States. There are the rich, the poor, the in- between, and more. If a person is rich, you can’t judge them by saying that they are just lucky and their children are brats, like I have once before. They are people, like you and me. I have met a girl who lives in a house that costs over a million dollars, and she is a very humble girl. Meeting her helped me realize that you never know what a person is like until you really get to know them.

Being who I am, I am often known as the shy straight-A student. It hurts me to know that people say that about me. I go inside myself more and more to hide from all of the evils of this world. Before I become outgoing, I have to get to know the person. All of my close friends would call me anything but shy.

Everyone else around me calls me anything but outgoing. No one asks about me or tries to make friends

with me which is why they don’t know me and judge me the way they do. I could tell them otherwise, but I choose not to. That is why, this year my goal was to talk more and make new friends, but still be the sweet girl that I am so that people can get to know the real me. Making new friends gives you a new perspective of people you would have never gotten to know otherwise.

Prejudice happens every minute of every day all around the world. Refrain from being like everyone else and get to know the ones who are judged by people who shouldn’t do the judging. People of different

religions, social status, looks and more can get together and love each other if they just knew how. Learn how. Dare to be different.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The overall focus and meaning of this essay can best be described as insightful, descriptive, and very effective. The writer establishes a thoroughly detailed and developed controlling idea regarding an incident of prejudice and the aftermath. This writer has a strong understanding of his or her audience and completes all parts of the task. (“By being pre-judged by others, I know the pain from learning what they’ve said.

One of the times I have hurt someone, I found out that she was going through hard times in her life and was completely disappointed in myself. She needed me and all I was doing was stabbing her in the back

because she wasn’t paying her full attention to me. From that experience, I have learned to love everyone and in return, I’ll be loved and have help when I need it from all of those I have given help to. The greatest lesson you’ll ever learn is to love and be loved in return.”) In some instances, the author uses perceptive ideas and arguments to go beyond the limits of this assignment.

Content & Development

In this essay, the writer effectively develops his/her ideas in a complete and artful manner. The author accomplishes this by using of a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details that fully explain an incident of prejudice and its effects. (“When I lived in Connecticut, we were doing a class project and one day, the teacher asked if anyone was Mormon in the class. I was the only one to raise my hand. Like the Jews in WWII, I stood up for what I believed in. The Holocaust was a time in history that no one will forget. The Jews were persecuted because of what they believed in, no one took the time to find out anything about Jews; they just thought that they were evil. If someone did stand up for the Jews, they were killed. Learning of their tragic fate taught me to never judge other religions because I have my own.”)

Organization

The organization of this essay is very effective. The writer establishes a cohesive, unified structure that contains an engaging introduction and strong conclusion. The author's use of paragraphs and transitional devices also remains effective throughout the written work, and all of his/her ideas connect back to the idea of an incident of prejudice. (“Being who I am, I am often known as the shy straight-A student. It hurts me to know that people say that about me. I go inside myself more and more to hide from all of the evils of this world. Before I become outgoing, I have to get to know the person. All of my close friends would call me anything but shy. Everyone else around me calls me anything but outgoing. No one asks about me or

tries to make friends with me which is why they don’t know me and judge me the way they do. I could tell them otherwise, but I choose not to. That is why, this year my goal was to talk more and make new friends, but still be the sweet girl that I am so that people can get to know the real me.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and the overall style of writing in this essay are both very effective. (“There are different social stabilities throughout the United States. There are the rich, the poor, the in-between, and more. If a person is rich, you can’t judge them by saying that they are just lucky and their children are brats, like I have once before. They are people, like you and me. I have met a girl who lives in a house that costs over a million dollars, and she is a very humble girl. Meeting her helped me realize that you never know what a person is like until you really get to know them.”) The writer skillfully chooses his/her words, has a clearly defined voice, and maintains a good sense of the audience. The sentences in the essay are

well-structured and diverse.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author demonstrates a very effective control over conventions and mechanics. This essay contains few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. (“Prejudice

happens every minute of every day all around the world. Refrain from being like everyone else and get to know the ones who are judged by people who shouldn’t do the judging. People of different religions, social status, looks and more can get together and love each other if they just knew how. Learn how. Dare to be different.”)

Model Essay

Everyone, even you, has experienced prejudice in their lives. Prejudice is when someone judges another person just by their first impressions. They don't ask any questions they just form an opinion. This opinion is most likely to be an unfair opinion that means nothing in the real world. Prejudice is when you don't feel lik ebein nice so you form an unjust and unrealistic opinion about a person or a group of people you have never met. It is just such a horrible sadistic thing that is so unreal and not nice at all in any way. Prejudice is one of the most horrible things that can happen because it is so unfair.

Even though I feel this way about prejudice, and think that no one should have to endure it, one time I was a perpetrator of prejudice. Once I believed that just because someone was different from me that he was so different that I didn't have to be nice to him and I could treat him how I wanted. The kid was a little boy about the age of 8 and his name was Steele. At the time I was about 12 years old. I was at a friend's house and Steele was going to come over so my friend could watch him while his mom went shopping. My friend told me he was a little annoying but nothing else so I assumed that I would not be nice to him so he would avoid me and talking to me a lot and annoy me. This was a mistake and I regret it a lot to this very day because prejudice is a horrible thing to put on someone. No one in the world deserves prejudice because it is such a horrible thing and I believe that it hurts people more than they let on.

When Steele came over to my friend's house I made no special attempt to be nice to him in any was at all. In fact I made it a priority to annoy him. It turned out Steele wasn't so annoying and he was offended by me. I made him very sad once and that lead me to the fact that, yes I was being very prejudice. I said that I was very sorry and then Steele and I became good friends. Every now and then he comes over to my friend's house while I am there and we have a good time. In fact Steele is one of the best friends that I have and I wish that I had more friends like him. He is a very good person and he did not deserve the prejudice that I gave him. When I gave him the prejudice that I did he was struck and hurt very badly. I wish that I could take all that prejudice back, but I cannot so I have to learn my lesson to keep it from happening again because no one deserves prejudice.

This important lesson in prejudice was brought to you by me and I hope you learned something from it because I sure did. Prejudice is very bad and I hope neither you or any of your friends has to experience prejudice at any time in your life. Prejudice is one of the most evil, sadistic, bad things that you can experience or produce. I hope you learned your lesson about prejudice because if you didn't then I have wasted my time and I am very sorry to have wasted your time.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The overall focus and meaning in this essay can be described as proficient. The writer establishes and

maintains a clear controlling idea regarding prejudice and engages the reader. (“I made him very sad once and that lead me to the fact that, yes I was being very prejudice. I said that I was very sorry and then Steele and I became good friends. Every now and then he comes over to my friend's house while I am there and we have a good time. In fact Steele is one of the best friends that I have and I wish that I had more friends like him. He is a very good person and he did not deserve the prejudice that I gave him. When I gave him the prejudice that I did he was struck and hurt very badly. I wish that I could take all that prejudice back, but I cannot so I have to learn my lesson to keep it from happening again because no one deserves

prejudice.”) The author also demonstrates a basic understanding of his/her audience while completing most aspects of the task.

Content & Development

This essay has a good amount of content and is adequately developed. The writer establishes his/her position using specific, accurate, and relevant details. The essay makes clear connections between the incident of prejudice this author experienced and how it changed him/her.. (“This important lesson in prejudice was brought to you by me and I hope you learned something from it because I sure did. Prejudice is very bad and I hope neither you or any of your friends has to experience prejudice at any time in your life. Prejudice is one of the most evil, sadistic, bad things that you can experience or produce.”)

Organization

The overall organization of this essay can best be described as proficient. The essay demonstrates a mainly unified structure; it features a solid introduction and a proficient conclusion that both connect to the central idea of prejudice. The author's use of paragraphs and transitional devices also remains consistent

throughout the essay. (“Even though I feel this way about prejudice, and think that no one should have to endure it, one time I was a perpetrator of prejudice. Once I believed that just because someone was different from me that he was so different that I didn't have to be nice to him and I could treat him how I wanted. The kid was a little boy about the age of 8 and his name was Steele.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay contains a good use of language and adequate style. The writer chooses appropriate words to reinforce his/her argument. (“Even though I feel this way about prejudice, and think that no one should

have to endure it, one time I was a perpetrator of prejudice. Once I believed that just because someone was different from me that he was so different that I didn't have to be nice to him and I could treat him how I wanted.”) Additionally, the author shows some evidence of voice and has a clear sense of audience. This essay contains well-structured and varied sentences.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author demonstrates a good control over conventions and mechanics. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. (“My friend told me he was a little annoying but nothing else so I assumed that I would not be nice to him so he would avoid me and talking to me a lot and annoy me. This was a mistake and I regret it a lot to this very day because

prejudice is a horrible thing to put on someone.”)

Model Essay

Four Eyes! You’re a nerd! I hate those words. That deadly, self depriving language that damages the hearts of many. Glasses do not make you a nerd because you might have to get them, lots of amazing kids have glasses and if you don’t befriend them you won’t have a friend.

I never thought I would need glasses. Every year or two student at my school have to take an eye exam. It measures if your eyes are good or not. I don’t think they are very good though. I took that test last year and did fine. Then I started not being able to read the board very well. I went to my eye doctor and had an eye exam. That was the first place that I learned I needed glasses. I had never thought I would ever need glasses. I was actually quite proud I would not need glasses. Then all of the sudden I needed them.

Therefore you shouldn’t make fun of people with glasses because you might need to get some before you’re through.

I have some amazing friends with glasses. One of my friends plays soccer. He has glasses and is very popular at his school. Owning glasses doesn’t mean that you have to wear them all the time. I just wear them when I need them. My glasses are also in reality quite handsome too. My friend wears them

sometimes but most of the time he doesn’t have them on. He is amazing too. He is an awesome kid and he owns glasses.

Finally, a true friend wouldn’t criticize you or demean you because of your appearance. My brother had a friend at school last year. His friend was named Phil and he was incredibly smart. My brother was a popular guy but he befriended him. Phil helped my brother fix his computer, add memory to the computer, helped him with his homework and was a excellent friend. I wish I had a friend like that. I remember an Arthur episode from way back. It was when Arthur got glasses and all his friends made fun of him. I remember that all of his friends turned enemies on him, but by the end of the show he was the most popular guy in school. My brother was a great friend and had a lot of fun.

Having glasses are sometimes a blessing. Glasses don’t make you

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The overall focus and meaning in this essay can best be described as adequate. The author does write about a time when he/she dealt with prejudice but does so in a generic manner. (“Four Eyes! You’re a nerd! I hate those words. That deadly, self depriving language that damages the hearts of many. Glasses do not make you a nerd because you might have to get them, lots of amazing kids have glasses and if you don’t befriend them you won’t have a friend.”) The author has a basic understanding of the audience and overall purpose of the task. Many parts of the assignment are completed.

Content & Development

This essay contains a fair amount of content, and its development is adequate. The author uses some specific and accurate details to describe how he/she faced prejudice. This author does connect his/her ideas throughout the essay, but does so in a general fashion. (“Finally, a true friend wouldn’t criticize you or demean you because of your appearance. My brother had a friend at school last year. His friend was named Phil and he was incredibly smart. My brother was a popular guy but he befriended him. Phil helped my brother fix his computer, add memory to the computer, helped him with his homework and was a

excellent friend. I wish I had a friend like that.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates a basic level of organization. The structure of the essay is generally unified; it has a noticeable introduction and conclusion. The author's use of paragraphs and transitional devices is

inconsistent, but the essay contains some evidence of varied sentence structure. (“I have some amazing friends with glasses. One of my friends plays soccer. He has glasses and is very popular at his school. Owning glasses doesn’t mean that you have to wear them all the time. I just wear them when I need them. My glasses are also in reality quite handsome too. My friend wears them sometimes but most of the time he doesn’t have them on. He is amazing too. He is an awesome kid and he owns glasses.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and the overall style of this essay can best be described as basic. However, the writer does use appropriate language and word choice, has an awareness of audience, and maintains control of

his/her voice. The writer also generally uses correct and varied sentence structure. (“I never thought I would need glasses. Every year or two student at my school have to take an eye exam. It measures if your eyes are good or not. I don’t think they are very good though. I took that test last year and did fine. Then I

started not being able to read the board very well. I went to my eye doctor and had an eye exam. That was the first place that I learned I needed glasses.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This author demonstrates an adequate control over conventions and mechanics. (“I had never thought I would ever need glasses. I was actually quite proud I would not need glasses. Then all of the sudden I needed them. Therefore you shouldn’t make fun of people with glasses because you might need to get some before you’re through.”) Some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are apparent, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Model Essay

Prejudice is wrong. You disrespect to your Americas people and other people around you. It is stupid to be mean to other people. Just don't make fun of others that have different color, or reilgon, and more.

Disrespect to other.

Now, being Prejudice to others is disrespect. I have a brother that is half black and white. When he was a little kid, he went to school with white. The other kids picket on him just because he black and white. He might be the only black kid school, but now there is more just him. Some time just being prejudice can put people in bad places, but my brother mad in life and doing OK. Then, there were people that was poor and riches. The rich kids made fun of the poor kids. the poor kids made fun of the rich kids. My brother back up both of them just because he was both. The other stop picketing on him for being black.

Prejudice can just be stupid. It doesn't matter if you are talking about some one that not in the room, but if there was some one in the room it can be prejudice for them. You can say some bad things about some one, but it will come back to you. Lets say rapper say some thing bad about a other rapper. The other rapper make a other bad thing to the rapper then it go on and on for a while. Now saying Christen is better then a Jew, but they are not because they are the same. They are just people with different reilgon. Prejudice is just not being cool.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and overall meaning developed in this essay can be described as limited. The writer’s argument

is unclear and undeveloped. (“Prejudice is wrong. You disrespect to your Americas people and other people around you. It is stupid to be mean to other people. Just don't make fun of others that have different color, or reilgon, and more. Disrespect to other.”) The essay also demonstrates a limited understanding of the audience and overall purpose of the prompt. Some parts of the task are completed.

Content & Development

The overall content in this essay is underdeveloped. The ideas introduced by the writer are brief, inconsistent, and lack supporting details. The essay develops in a manner that only briefly and vaguely

connects the author’s ideas to the overall concept of dealing with prejudice. (“I have a brother that is half black and white. When he was a little kid, he went to school with white. The other kids picket on him just because he black and white. He might be the only black kid school, but now there is more just him. Some time just being prejudice can put people in bad places, but my brother mad in life and doing OK.”)

Organization

This essay is organized in a very limited fashion. There is some evidence of structure, but the introduction and conclusion appear uncertain. This essay lacks proper paragraphing and transitional devices. (“Prejudice can just be stupid. It doesn't matter if you are talking about some one that not in the room, but if there was some one in the room it can be prejudice for them. You can say some bad things about some one, but it will come back to you. Lets say rapper say some thing bad about a other rapper.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s overall use of language and style can best be described as limited. The author uses simple

language and word choice. (“Now saying Christen is better then a Jew, but they are not because they are the same. They are just people with different reilgon. Prejudice is just not being cool.”) However, the writer does demonstrate some awareness of the audience and maintains some control over his/her voice. This writer relies on simple, unvaried sentences to convey his/her message.

Mechanics & Conventions

In this piece, the author's control over mechanics and conventions is limited. The essay contains several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the

communication of the message. (“Then, there were people that was poor and riches. The rich kids made fun of the poor kids. the poor kids made fun of the rich kids. My brother back up both of them just because he was both. The other stop picketing on him for being black.”)

Model Essay

One time in Elementary, everyone judged everyone so harshly. I was always afraid about people making fun of me for something I wore, did, or said. I absolutely love playing sports. Every recess I would go outside and either play wall ball, or soccer with a bunch of kids all ages. One of my other favorite sports is football. At recess one day, I hurried and ate lunch and ran outside to the football field where loads of guys my age were playing flag football. I ran up to the popular prep football caption and asked him if I could play with them. He told me I couldn’t because I was a girl and I couldn’t even throw a football.

My family had just moved here to Cedar Hills, from Orem. My sister and I both transferred to this school, Mountain Ridge. My little sister, Kelsey, is in seventh grade. She is a very small, sweet, shy girl. About a couple of days ago, she was in the halls after school trying to get her locker opened. She started looking for someone to help her to get her locker open. Out of no where, a ninth grader boy came up behind her and knocked her books down and called her a nerd.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus the author displays in this essay is minimal. (“One time in Elementary, everyone judged everyone so harshly. I was always afraid about people making fun of me for something I wore, did, or said. I absolutely love playing sports.”) The writer makes little attempt to establish a controlling idea concerning prejudice and has a minimal understanding of the overall purpose and audience. Only a few parts of the task are completed.

Content & Development

This essay’s content and its development are minimal at best. The writer’s ideas are either incomplete or developed inadequately, and he/she uses few details to support his/her position. This author fails to make

connections between any of his/her ideas. (“I ran up to the popular prep football caption and asked him if I could play with them. He told me I couldn’t because I was a girl and I couldn’t even throw a football…My family had just moved here to Cedar Hills, from Orem. My sister and I both transferred to this school, Mountain Ridge.”)

Organization

The overall organization of this essay can best be described as minimal. There is little evidence of structure, and the introduction and conclusion are poor. (“I was always afraid about people making fun of me for something I wore, did, or said. I absolutely love playing sports. Every recess I would go outside and either play wall ball, or soccer with a bunch of kids all ages. One of my other favorite sports is football.”) This essay lacks proper paragraphing and transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

This writer’s use of language and his/her overall style are minimal at best. (“I ran up to the popular prep football caption and asked him if I could play with them. He told me I couldn’t because I was a girl and I couldn’t even throw a football.”) This essay demonstrates poor word choice and little awareness of audience. There are also basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Mechanics & Conventions

This writer demonstrates a minimal control over conventions and mechanics. The essay contains errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. (“She started looking for someone to help her to get her locker open.”)

Model Essay

One time I was walking along and went into a store. I was getting some milk for my mom and dad since we had no milk for making pancakes which we were having that night and I was already half the way through it. Soon enough as

I walked in I saw what looked like a guy but his name if he were a boy was somebody named Julia (the name was on a tag which fit on to his/her shirt) I went up to the counter placed my milk down and set some money on the table saying hello how are you doing. I was answered by a squeaky women's voice and almost jumped for this person had facial hair all over her head. I was so astonished. It was the weirdest thing ever.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay contains an inadequate focus and little overall meaning. The writer puts forth almost no effort to establish an argument in order to engage the reader. (“I was answered by a squeaky women's voice and almost jumped for this person had facial hair all over her head. I was so astonished.”) This essay also lacks a controlling idea. Therefore, the essay completes few or no parts of the task.

Content & Development

This essay’s overall content can best be described as inadequate. The author does not attempt to use details to support his/her argument and offers the reader no connections between ideas. (“I was answered by a squeaky women's voice and almost jumped for this person had facial hair all over her head. I was so astonished. It was the weirdest thing ever.”)

Organization

The organization of this essay is inadequate. The author does not use an introduction or conclusion, and

the essay fails to contain any evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices (“I was getting some milk for my mom and dad since we had no milk for making pancakes which we were having that night and I was already half the way through it. Soon enough as I walked in I saw what looked like a guy”).

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and his/her overall style are inadequate at best. The essay fails to demonstrate a clear and coherent use of words or sentences. (“One time I was walking along and went into a store. I was getting some milk for my mom and dad since we had no milk for making pancakes which we were having

that night and I was already half the way through it.”) The author demonstrates no awareness of the audience, and he/she commits major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Mechanics & Conventions

This writer demonstrates inadequate control over conventions and mechanics. (“ I walked in I saw what looked like a guy but his name if he were a boy was somebody named Julia [the name was on a tag which fit on to his/her shirt] I went up to the counter placed my milk down and set some money on the table saying hello how are you doing.”) The essay contains severe errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, and these errors significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Picture yourself living in the year 2050. Power sources operating in your house have changed.

Describe the new power sources used to make your home run more efficiently. Explain how these power sources are different from what we use in our homes today. Write about the benefits and disadvantages of this new technology and how it will affect future generations.

Model Essay

Living in the year 2050 is much, much different than living in the year 2005. For example, the clothing and hair styles from 2005 are rediculus and outrageously horrendous. The food is much more appetizing now than it was in 2005. I can't believe the food we ate! The way we go about our daily lives has evolved immensly over the past 45 years also. For another example, our automobiles don't run on gas anymore, our cooking and cleaning appliances don't use electricity, and cooking food had become much more time consuming and safer.

If you can remember, we used to full up a chamber in an automobile with a substance called gasoline. This caused many health problems in humans, plants, and animals. The fumes from the liquid killed brain cells and could even make a person pass out. The fumes from the exhaust depletes the ozone layer and could even kill a person if breathed in high doses. Now, our vehicles are fueled be plain water. Water does not have dangerous fumes, nor does it create harmful exhaust. The output from the car when running on water is just small amounts of hydrogen, a natural gas found in the earth's own atmosphere. The engine breaks down the water into its elements by electrolysis. The oxygen then burns clean to power out vehicles. The one downside to this energy source is the extra hydrogen in the atmosphere. Some scientists worry that if too much hydrogen is put in the earth's atmosphere, it could be catastrophic.

Electricity was the main source of power 45 years ago. Now we have learned of a different, more economical way of receiving power. We use solar power. Scientists have passed out special devices that we put on our roof to absorb the sun's rays. This energy is there converted to power and dispersed to the whole house. Scientists have sent out satellites with these devices to orbit Venus. The satellites send the energy back to earth in a different wave. These waves are received by out home devices and stored until sunset.

That way we have power all through the night. The power still reaches our appliances the same way. We still plug the vacuum into the wall to clean the dirt off the floor. We still have to plug the microwave in the wall to cook, but scientists are working on improving this situation in the future.

In the year 2005, we used to actually buy meat and bread and things like that. We made our food from scratch. Now there is no need for that. Meals come pre-made in flat, little packages. These packages don't have to be stored in a refrigerator or a freezer any more. Now, all that is done is pull one of these packages out a drawer and put it in the microwave for ten seconds. When the microwave opens, there sits a beautiful feast for a family. Depending on the size of the package, they can feed from one person to ten people.

These packages come in grocery form or fast food form. This way of cooking has cut down the amount of kitchen accidents like fires and explosions. The disadvantage is that some of the old folk still love to actually cook. They believe nothing is as good as down home cooking. For these people, grocery shopping is very difficult. As most of the population has accepted the new way of cooking, the people who haven't are not happy about it at all there have been several disputes about this situation. It has yet to be resolved.

Looking back, I can't believe the world we used to live in. Our air was filthy and our power source was so outdated. There were so many flaws with the "old" world. Even now, there are numerous flaws with technology. Even so, at the rate scientists are discovering new things and making renovations, I'm confident that our future generations will be living in a much safer and healthier world.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this thoughtful essay, the author successfully establishes an insightful controlling idea that also acts as an outline for the remainder of the response. (“The way we go about our daily lives has evolved immensly over the past 45 years also. For another example, our automobiles don't run on gas anymore, our cooking and cleaning appliances don't use electricity, and cooking food had become much more time consuming

and safer.”) By maintaining the central idea throughout the essay, the student displays a thorough understanding of the purpose and the audience. The essay completes all parts of the task very effectively.

Content & Development

This response provides an effective analysis of the future power sources available in the year 2050. For example, in the second paragraph, the author predicts that cars will no longer need gasoline to run efficiently. Instead, they will use water as their source of fuel. The explanation this student provides is very detailed and thought-provoking. (“The output from the car when running on water is just small amounts of hydrogen, a natural gas found in the earth's own atmosphere. The engine breaks down the water into its elements by electrolysis. The oxygen then burns clean to power out vehicles. The one downside to this energy source is the extra hydrogen in the atmosphere. Some scientists worry that if too much hydrogen is put in the earth's atmosphere, it could be catastrophic.”) This student obviously understands how to support his/her point by artfully incorporating a wide variety of details that support the thesis.

Organization

This essay is extremely well organized. The first paragraph begins by attempting to gain the reader’s

attention through humor. (“Living in the year 2050 is much, much different than living in the year 2005. For example, the clothing and hair styles from 2005 are rediculus and outrageously horrendous. The food is much more appetizing now than it was in 2005. I can't believe the food we ate!”) Each body paragraph

begins with a strong transitional device and focused topic sentence. (“Electricity was the main source of power 45 years ago. Now we have learned of a different, more economical way of receiving power. We use solar power.”) The conclusion leaves the reader with something to ponder. (“Looking back, I can't believe the world we used to live in. Our air was filthy and our power source was so outdated. There were so many flaws with the ‘old’ world.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay is composed with very effective language use and style. The author is able to demonstrate a

defined voice by stepping into a futuristic role. (“In the year 2005, we used to actually buy meat and bread and things like that. We made our food from scratch. Now there is no need for that.”) Additionally, the response is constructed of well-structured and varied sentences with strong and precise word choice. (“Scientists have passed out special devices that we put on our roof to absorb the sun's rays. This energy is there converted to power and dispersed to the whole house. Scientists have sent out satellites with these

devices to orbit Venus.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

While not completely free of errors in spelling (“immensly”), punctuation, and grammar (“The fumes from the exhaust depletes”), this author demonstrates very effective control over the conventions of standard written English.

Model Essay

Hi, My name is Sandy Romanos. My family and I live in the year 2050. Things are probably a lot different here than what you have in your house now.

First of all, everything in your house is run on electricity from power lines outside your house. In my house everything is run on solar power. We have this huge black screen sitting on our roof and it absorbs sunlight. In fact it absorbs and stores quite a bit of sunlight so we can run our appliances on sunlight instead of electricity. Therefore, we have no plugs or sockets in our house everything is also run by computers so it is operated by a single touch. When we touch a light the computer turns it on when we touch a toaster the computer toasts our bread. When we touch the toilet the computer flushes it. Actually, the computer doesn't flush it, it sends a message to this little computer inside the toilet, then this computer which is connected to all of the wires in the toilet, tells the toilet to flush. Also, it happens faster than you can say flush! The same thing happens with a light, and the toaster. Practically everything that would run on electricity in your house runs that way in our house. There are many benefits to this because we don't have to plug anything in or push or pull levers. All we have to do is touch. There is a disadvantage though. If you don't know exactly where to touch the toilet, it won't flush. So to help us remember my mother carefully marked the spot on the toilet with a pen.

Talking about a pen brings up a really cool thing that we use in our house. Our schoolroom doesn't have a chalkboard to do sums on. We have instead a huge sheet of paper that hangs from one wall to the other. On this we use our everything pen. Our everything pen has almost everything on it. When you need a calculator, you draw one on the paper then press the numbers and it will give you the correct answer. When you misspell a word with this pen it will make a beeping noise. Then you run the pen back over the word and it will spell it correctly! The everything pen also has a phone chip in it so when the phone rings in the house, you can press a button and answer it on the everything pen.

Everyone in the year 2050 is really lazy. The reason: the computer does all the work for us. We can just speak to a computer and it will turn on. When we want to write an essay, we just talk and the computer types it by itself. The computer also remembers things that we forget. It's like our entire brains are in the computer. I forgot where I put my book yesterday and all I had to do was say, "Where in the world did I put my book?" and the computer told me where it was."Your book, "The night rider" is on your bedside table where you left it." Isn't that cool? The computer does so much in this house. Not only does it run everything it will bring everything to me that I want! That is really what makes us in 2050 lazy. That is the one disadvantage of our advanced technology. My mom makes me take long walks just to stay in shape.

Now you can probably see there are many advantages and disadvantages of this new technology. I personally think that it will affect future generations in one startling way, all future generations will be extremely lazy!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This author demonstrates a clear understanding of the purpose of the task. (“My name is Sandy Romanos. My family and I live in the year 2050. Things are probably a lot different here than what you have in your house now.”) However, a stronger thesis statement could have provided even more focus and structure to this response. Overall, though, the student maintains and delivers the central idea to the intended audience throughout the course of the response. The author understands the assignment and successfully completes the task.

Content & Development

This essay develops ideas using specific and relevant examples. For example, in the second paragraph, the student describes the use of solar power by including a lot of significant detailed information. (“We have this huge black screen sitting on our roof and it absorbs sunlight. In fact it absorbs and stores quite a bit of sunlight so we can run our appliances on sunlight instead of electricity. Therefore, we have no plugs or sockets in our house everything is also run by computers so it is operated by a single touch. When we touch a light the computer turns it on when we touch a toaster the computer toasts our bread. When we touch the

toilet the computer flushes it.”) By using sufficient supporting information, this author is able to effectively complete the assigned task.

Organization

This essay constructs a mostly unified organizational structure. The introduction establishes the premise of the essay. (“My name is Sandy Romanos. My family and I live in the year 2050. Things are probably a lot different here than what you have in your house now.”) The second paragraph effectively begins with a

focused topic sentence and a transitional phrase. (“First of all, everything in your house is run on electricity from power lines outside your house. In my house everything is run on solar power.”) The subsequent paragraphs could be further improved through similar organizational devices. The author uses the last paragraph to conclude the essay by stating an opinion about future technologies. (“I personally think that it will affect future generations in one startling way, all future generations will be extremely lazy!”)

Language Use & Style

In this response, the language use and style are appropriate and effective. The author demonstrates good word choice and some variety with sentence structure. (“When we touch the toilet the computer flushes it. Actually, the computer doesn't flush it, it sends a message to this little computer inside the toilet, then this computer which is connected to all of the wires in the toilet, tells the toilet to flush. Also, it happens faster

than you can say flush!”) Evidence of the student’s voice and imagination are seen throughout the response. (”Our everything pen has almost everything on it. When you need a calculator, you draw one on the paper then press the numbers and it will give you the correct answer. When you misspell a word with this pen it will make a beeping noise. Then you run the pen back over the word and it will spell it correctly!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This response is not without errors. However, the few mistakes in punctuation and grammar (“Actually, the computer doesn't flush it, it sends a message to this little computer inside the toilet, then this computer which is connected to all of the wires in the toilet, tells the toilet to flush. “) do not interfere with the intended message.

Model Essay

The year is 2050 and there are many changes compared to over 20 years ago. Instead of using the harmful gases that had almost destroyed the ozone layer years ago, we simply now use the air we breath. The gases that we give off a mostly carbon dioxide so the cars now have a vent and suck in the air and dispels the oxygen and only uses about 15% of the carbon dioxide that we breathe but the majority of the car run on the everyday garbage that we discard everyday. Which eventually results in cleaner, fresher air, and healthier environment, both of which already shows promising to future generations. The babies born now are at least 50% healthier then in the year 2010.

The toasters and ovens and other cooking appliances that use electricity to cook food have been replace with the power of the sun. Someone actually managed to capture the power of the sun by adding together

the atomic numbers of two simple elements. Appliances are now more practical and last longer than older appliances have in past years. The life expectancy is longer, the efficiency faster, and overall they use less energy and are somewhat safer.

Normal everyday house hold chores are now done by preprogrammed robots that are here only to serve you. They make life easier by cleaning the house so married couples can both resume their careers and they can also serve as a babysitter while your out. The best part is that you don't have to pay it. Although the prices now are fairly high and most middle to lower class people can't afford it, manufactures hope to have them in larger quantities so that they are able to supply a larger amount of the public.

More people in the future are switching to becoming vegetarians because of the new way that the plants can be grown in the greenhouses. They came up with a nutrient rich formula that nourishes the plant while stimulating it making it grow faster. As a result the plants are larger fresher and more healthy than before.

Overall life in 2050 is very good and much healthier than before, and hopefully will be able to improve the damage we've done to the environment. Although disadvantages to this life style are slim there are a few. Since the cars use 15% of the carbon dioxide we expel it means that the trees get less and the robots could eventually lead to unpersonable service at places like stores and other businesses.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay can best be described as an adequate completion of the task. The author begins by establishing the premise of the essay (“The year is 2050 and there are many changes compared to over 20 years ago.”) and immediately begins to develop information to maintain and support the central idea. The response

demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the assignment and completes many parts of the task.

Content & Development

The author uses some specific and accurate details to support his/her ideas. For example, in the first

paragraph, the author explains how the new sources of energy will work to fuel our automobiles. (“Instead of using the harmful gases that had almost destroyed the ozone layer years ago, we simply now use the air we breath. The gases that we give off a mostly carbon dioxide so the cars now have a vent and suck in the air and dispels the oxygen...”) The next paragraph goes on to describe the utilization of solar energy.

(“Someone actually managed to capture the power of the sun by adding together the atomic numbers of two simple elements. Appliances are now more practical and last longer than older appliances have in past

years.”) Overall, the response does contain adequate content and development.

Organization

Although this essay demonstrates a generally unified structure, an introductory paragraph is lacking. The student begins the essay by making an opening statement (“The year is 2050 and there are many changes compared to over 20 years ago.”) and then jumps right into the body of his/her argument. Each body

paragraph, however, does begin with a focused topic sentence. (“The toasters and ovens and other cooking appliances that use electricity to cook food have been replace with the power of the sun.”) The conclusion ends the essay appropriately by discussing the downside to the new power sources. (“Although disadvantages to this life style are slim there are a few. Since the cars use 15% of the carbon dioxide we expel it means that the trees get less and the robots could eventually lead to unpersonable service at places like stores and other businesses.”)

Language Use & Style

The author writes in a style that is generally appropriate for this task and expresses an awareness of the audience. The sentences are mostly well-structured and show some variety. (“Although the prices now are fairly high and most middle to lower class people can't afford it, manufactures hope to have them in larger quantities so that they are able to supply a larger amount of the public.”) Additionally, this student’s word

choice is also appropriate for the assigned task. (“The life expectancy is longer, the efficiency faster, and overall they use less energy and are somewhat safer.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The student obviously demonstrates good control of the conventions of standard written English. Although there are a few errors in punctuation (“babysitter while your out”), grammar (“have been replace with the power of the sun “), and spelling (“unpersonable”), these mistakes do not interfere with the author’s intended message.

Model Essay

Technology in the year 2050 is extremely different from the technology in the year 2005. The earth gets its power energy from the sun and solar system. In the city of Trenton they have a larger tower called a light house which has one switch that turns on all the light in the city and all of the electricity in the world. Also, cars will not be run by gas anymore it will be ran by electricity that comes from the solar system. On the earth gas was not producing as while as it should have been because country that bought gas from other country where being stingy.

The light house is also used for many other objects for an example during the winter time instead of the government using over a million dollars just to pick up snow every year now all the government has to do is turn on the switch in the light house and all the snow will decrease and finally disappear.

Many country had a problem about giving other country gas because they where running out of it.

So they made an invention called a E car. An E car is a car that is ran by electricity and does not take gas. Many people today have an E car and many states and countries shut down all gas station in there areas because the invention the E car.

Today in the year 2050 many thing have change cars ,less job ,and other power sources in the world. Life is extremely different from the year 2005 till today the year 2050.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author of this essay attempts to establish a controlling idea. (“Technology in the year 2050 is extremely different from the technology in the year 2005.”) However, since the essay does not fully develop or maintain this thesis, the author shows little understanding of the purpose of the task. This response demonstrates only limited focus and meaning.

Content & Development

Although the author does attempt to include some details to support his/her position, the ideas are insufficiently developed. For example, in the first paragraph, the student explains that cars will no longer be fueled by gas but, rather, will use electricity to run. (“Also, cars will not be run by gas anymore it will be ran by electricity that comes from the solar system. On the earth gas was not producing as while as it

should have been because country that bought gas from other country where being stingy. “) The author does not fully explain how the solar power will work, nor does he/she effectively elaborate on the problems with gasoline fuel. Ideas are only briefly and inconsistently developed.

Organization

In the course of three short paragraphs, the author constructs a limited organizational structure. The introductory paragraph acts more as a body paragraph; it attempts to develop supporting information rather than establishing a central idea. Additionally, the essay seems to jump from one idea to the next without sufficient logic and understanding. (“The light house is also used for many other objects for an example during the winter time instead of the government using over a million dollars just to pick up snow every year now all the government has to do is turn on the switch in the light house and all the snow will decrease and finally disappear.”) The body paragraphs lack adequate structure and organization. There is, however, an attempt at developing a concluding paragraph. (“Today in the year 2050 many thing have change cars

,less job ,and other power sources in the world.”)

Language Use & Style

The author’s language is mediocre, marked by simple and occasionally confused sentences. (“On the earth gas was not producing as while as it should have been because country that bought gas from other country where being stingy.”) The student’s choice of words is limited and ordinary, but not wholly inadequate.

(“An E car is a car that is ran by electricity and does not take gas. Many people today have an E car and many states and countries shut down all gas station in there areas because the invention the E car.”) The essay does attempt to address an audience, although the language use is somewhat insufficient.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author demonstrates limited control of conventions and mechanics. There are several noticeable errors in spelling, punctuation (“because they where running out of it”), and grammar (“it will be ran by

electricity”). The errors, however, do not substantially interfere with the intended message.

Model Essay

My home will have new power sources to make it run more efficiently. The power sources I will be using in my home would be aluminum cans to help heat my home. I would put the cans into a barral and that would heat my home. I would have rats under my home running the electricy. I would use

It would be much cheaper with these sourses than it would be to have the ones we used to. You dont have to pay for anything in 2050 except when I have to pay for new rats to be placed under my home but that's only once every 5 years that they need to be replaced.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response suggests a controlling idea (“My home will have new power sources to make it run more efficiently. The power sources I will be using in my home would be aluminum cans to help heat my home.”), but it is unclear and underdeveloped. The author does not maintain or support the idea with

meaningful details and, therefore, completes few parts of the task. This essay demonstrates only a minimal understanding of the purpose of the assignment.

Content & Development

This response develops ideas incompletely and inadequately. For instance, in the first paragraph, the author explains the power sources he/she will be using in the future. (“I will be using in my home would be aluminum cans to help heat my home. I would put the cans into a barral and that would heat my home. I would have rats under my home running the electricy.”) However, the ideas are not clearly developed and

do not adequately support the controlling idea. This response lacks detailed information and elaboration and is only minimally developed.

Organization

Little evidence of structure is detected in this response. While an effort at paragraphing is indicated, there are only two short paragraphs, which are too brief to demonstrate adequate organization. The essay lacks a proper introductory paragraph that would adequately explain the premise of the essay. Additionally, the

response’s organization could be greatly improved with transitional phrases, structured paragraphing, and an adequate concluding paragraph.

Language Use & Style

While the word choice and sentence in this essay are not wholly inadequate, they certainly are limited and need improvement. (“You dont have to pay for anything in 2050 except when I have to pay for new rats to be placed under my home but that's only once every 5 years that they need to be replaced.”) The lack of proper language use is distracting to the reader and, therefore, shows little awareness of audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

Several significant errors are easily detected in this essay. Mistakes in spelling (“barrel”), punctuation (“don’t”), and grammar question the author’s ability to control the conventions of standard written English.

Model Essay

When the year 2050 comes around , I will be 62 years old! It will be much different, especially with the power sources.First of all, there will be many more new products that will make our life easier. also old product, will be advanced. to make things better there will not be any wires.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author’s attempt at establishing a thesis (“It will be much different, especially with the power

sources.”) fails because it lacks any relevant meaning or focus. The author demonstrates no understanding of the purpose of the assignment and, therefore, completes no parts of the task.

Content & Development

This essay fails to develop support for its thesis. A vague idea is presented (“First of all, there will be many more new products that will make our life easier. also old product, will be advanced.“), but it has no relevance to the premise of the essay or the prompt. This response does not inform the reader with sufficient information.

Organization

It is difficult to discern an organizational structure in a four-line response. The essay lacks basic

organization. Although the author seems to attempt an introduction in the first sentence (“When the year 2050 comes around , I will be 62 years old!”), it is irrelevant to the purpose of the assignment. The essay lacks an introduction and a conclusion. The response does not contain any indication of paragraphing or transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

The author’s language use and style are somewhat unclear and incoherent. (“First of all, there will be many more new products that will make our life easier. also old product, will be advanced. to make things better there will not be any wires.“) Word choice and sentence structure are minimal but not wholly inadequate.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author shows poor control over the conventions and mechanics of standard written English. The errors in spelling, grammar, and punctuation (“also old product, will be advanced. to make things better there will not be any wires.”) significantly interfere with the intended message.

Adults have influence on young people's lives. Think about the qualities demonstrated by adults that you admire. Write an essay explaining the most important qualities demonstrated by adults that you admire.

Model Essay

Whoosh, the sound of the ball zooming through the net! The ball arched as high as the sun but it always came back down perfectly landing through the little round hoop. She practices every night, coming in at all hours just to play this game. I silently sit, a lone person in the stands, watching. She knows I'm watching her, but it doesn't affect her greatness. I love basketball and someday I want to be just like her. She is the best adult in the world. Sometimes she will ask me to join her and if I miss a shot she will give me some pointers, and tell me to keep my head up. I love the fact that she never gives up, and never lets me give up either. I admire her in so many ways. To some she would seem to be just another adult, but to me she is a hero. Adults give us so much and they don't even know it. She drained another shot, but it was getting harder to concentrate on watching with so many things swarming around in my mind. Suddenly, I felt myself drifting into my own thoughts about adults.

I have my own hero, and other children admire some other adult for another reason. However, I think most kids admire just about the same qualities in all adults. I love when adults compliment me even if it is just a small compliment, such as good job. It makes my spirits soar. I like when another kid tells me I have done well but when an adult lays out compliments it is sure bliss. Most adults are busy with working and trying to provide for the family, but I like adults who sit down and talk to kids. Maybe just to ask how their day was or if they need help with anything. When I was little, I would follow my mom or dad around and copy everything they did. They were adults and to me they were perfect and knew no wrong. Adults influence us more than they know. We follow their example, even when they may not think we are watching. This is why I respect adults who do not smoke, do not take drugs, or do any other bad deeds. I admire how adults will tell you everything is ok, even when it is not. Sometimes when I want the truth, I like how the adults will lay it out so your feelings won't be hurt. Kids just tell you bluntly, while adults will soothe you and make sure you are fine with the information they are giving you. Adults inspire us in everyday life. I like adults who are honest and respectful. These are the ones who teach us to grow up and be good people. I admire the fact that adults know when to leave you alone, and when you want company. Adults may do wrong too but when they do, they try to fix it. Another quality I like about adults, is that they will help you out. If you are trapped in a corner with a hundred angry dogs coming after you, they will certainly find a way to save you. That may be unlikely to happen, but they do always find a way to get you out of a sticky situation. Adults are brave and this is a great thing. Someday I'll be glad to grow up and be an adult.

Hopefully I will remember some of the things I liked about adults, and when I grow up I will become a carbon-copy of a perfect adult, or as perfect as one can be!

Silence cut through the air like a sharp knife, snapping me back to reality. She was walking toward me with the basketball firmly held in her hands. "Hey," she spoke out breaking the quiet of the gym. My head turned toward her and I realized I must have been staring into space for quite a long time. I blushed feeling a little guilty about not watching her play, and I wasn't sure why. I smiled in return to her greeting, but kept quiet.

Looking into her face, she was a pretty plain adult. She had blue eyes and her honey-colored hair was dripping with sweat. She was a little plump and pretty tall. Why do I admire this adult so much? She then again spoke to me, "You are going to be a great basketball player someday you know." With that she headed toward the door, leaving me to ponder the wonderful words she just said to me. At that moment I knew exactly why she was an adult I admired so much!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay clearly shows very effective focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience. All parts of the task are completed, with some parts going beyond the limits of the task.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by very effectively using an interesting and engaging statement at the beginning of the introduction. (“Whoosh, the sound of the ball zooming through the net! The ball arched as high as the sun but it always came back down perfectly landing through the little round hoop. She practices every night, coming in at all ours just to play this game. I silently sit, a lone person in the stands, watching. She knows I'm watching her, but it doesn't affect her greatness.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central idea very effectively. (“Adults influence us more than they know. We follow their example, even when they may not think we are watching. This is why I respect adults who do not smoke, do not take drugs, or do any other bad deeds. I admire how adults will tell you everything is ok, even when it is not. Sometimes when I want the truth, I like how the adults will lay it out so your feelings won't be hurt. Kids just tell you bluntly, while adults will soothe you and make sure you are fine with the information they are giving you. Adults inspire us in everyday life. I like adults who are honest and respectful. These are the ones who teach us to grow up and be good people. I admire the fact that adults know when to leave you alone, and when you want company. Adults may do wrong too but when they do, they try to fix it. Another quality I like about adults, is that they will help you out. If you are trapped in a corner with a hundred angry dogs coming after you, they will certainly find a way to save you. That may be unlikely to happen, but they do always find a way to get you out of a sticky

situation. Adults are brave and this is a great thing. Someday I'll be glad to grow up and be an adult.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with details about qualities admired in adults. (“I have my own hero, and other children admire some other adult for another reason. However, I think most kids admire just about the same qualities in all adults.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in this essay. Ideas are established fully and artfully while using a wide variety of appropriate details for support.

Relevant points explain and illustrate the qualities that the writer admires in an adult very effectively. (“However, I think most kids admire just about the same qualities in all adults.”) Other examples are presented as well. (Hopefully I will remember some of the things I liked about adults, and when I grow up I will become a carbon-copy of a perfect adult, or as perfect as one can be!”)

The content in the body paragraphs contains a variety of details that explain the paragraph’s main idea. (“I love when adults compliment me even if it is just a small compliment, such as good job. It makes my spirits soar. I like when another kid tells me I have done well but when an adult lays out compliments it is sure bliss. Most adults are busy with working and trying to provide for the family, but I like adults who sit down and talk to kids. Maybe just to ask how their day was or if they need help with anything. When I was little, I would follow my mom or dad around and copy everything they did. They were adults and to me they were perfect and knew no wrong. Adults influence us more than they know. We follow their example, even when they may not think we are watching. This is why I respect adults who do not smoke, do not take drugs, or do any other bad deeds. I admire how adults will tell you everything is ok, even when it is not. Sometimes when I want the truth, I like how the adults will lay it out so your feelings won't be hurt. Kids just tell you bluntly, while adults will soothe you and make sure you are fine with the information they are giving you. Adults inspire us in everyday life. I like adults who are honest and respectful. These are the ones who teach us to grow up and be good people. I admire the fact that adults know when to leave you alone, and when you want company. Adults may do wrong too but when they do, they try to fix it. Another quality I like about adults, is that they will help you out. If you are trapped in a corner with a hundred angry dogs coming after you, they will certainly find a way to save you. That may

be unlikely to happen, but they do always find a way to get you out of a sticky situation. Adults are brave and this is a great thing. Someday I'll be glad to grow up and be an adult.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph develop the main idea of each topic sentence very effectively. (“Looking into her face, she was a pretty plain adult. She had blue eyes and her honey-colored hair was dripping with sweat. She was a little plump and pretty tall. Why do I admire this adult so much? She then again spoke to me, ‘You are going to be a great basketball player someday you know.’ With that she headed toward the door, leaving me to ponder the wonderful words she just said to me.”)

The essay includes a small story about the writer’s favorite basketball player to enhance the main ideas. The writer’s story is also well developed and revisited at appropriate times throughout the writing. (“I silently sit, a lone person in the stands, watching. She knows I'm watching her, but it doesn't affect her greatness. I love basketball and someday I want to be just like her. She is the best adult in the world. Sometimes she will ask me to join her and if I miss a shot she will give me some pointers, and tell me to keep my head up. I love the fact that she never gives up, and never lets me give up either. I admire her in so many ways. To some she would seem to be just another adult, but to me she is a hero… Silence cut through the air like a sharp knife, snapping me back to reality. She was walking toward me with the basketball firmly held in her hands. ‘Hey,’ she spoke out breaking the quiet of the gym. My head turned toward her and I realized I must have been staring into space for quite a long time. I blushed feeling a little guilty about not watching her play, and I wasn't sure why. I smiled in return to her greeting, but kept

quiet… She then again spoke to me, ‘You are going to be a great basketball player someday you know.’ With that she headed toward the door, leaving me to ponder the wonderful words she just said to me. At that moment I knew exactly why she was an adult I admired so much!”)

Organization

There is very effective organization associated with this essay as main details, comments, and a story are dispersed throughout the paragraphs. A cohesive and unified structure, along with an engaging introduction and strong conclusion, are demonstrated. There is also effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a sound-oriented exclamation.

(“Whoosh, the sound of the ball zooming through the net! The ball arched as high as the sun but it always came back down perfectly landing through the little round hoop.”)

The introduction includes a very effective sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“Adults give us so much and they don't even know it.”)

The conclusion very effectively teaches the readers a lesson the writer learned after completing the essay.

(“Why do I admire this adult so much? She then again spoke to me, ‘You are going to be a great basketball player someday you know.’ With that she headed toward the door, leaving me to ponder the wonderful words she just said to me. At that moment I knew exactly why she was an adult I admired so much!”)

Language Use & Style

Very effective language use and style are exhibited in this essay along with precise language, word choice, voice, and a clear sense of audience. The essay also contains well-structured and varied sentences.

The language and tone are consistent in the writer’s background story, which is visited in the introduction and revisited in the conclusion. (“She practices every night, coming in at all ours just to play this game. I silently sit, a lone person in the stands, watching. She knows I'm watching her, but it doesn't affect her greatness. I love basketball and someday I want to be just like her. She is the best adult in the world.

Sometimes she will ask me to join her and if I miss a shot she will give me some pointers, and tell me to keep my head up. I love the fact that she never gives up, and never lets me give up either. I admire her in so many ways… She then again spoke to me, ‘You are going to be a great basketball player someday you

know.’ With that she headed toward the door, leaving me to ponder the wonderful words she just said to me. At that moment I knew exactly why she was an adult I admired so much!”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“Adults give us so much and they don't even know it. She drained another shot, but it was getting harder to concentrate on watching with so many things swarming around in my mind… I have my own hero, and other children admire some other adult for another reason. However, I think most kids admire just about the same qualities in all

adults… blushed feeling a little guilty about not watching her play, and I wasn't sure why. I smiled in return to her greeting, but kept quiet... With that she headed toward the door, leaving me to ponder the wonderful words she just said to me. At that moment I knew exactly why she was an adult I admired so much!”)

Complex (“If you are trapped in a corner with a hundred angry dogs coming after you, they will certainly find a way to save you.”) and compound (“That may be unlikely to happen, but they do always find a way to get you out of a sticky situation.”) sentences are used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

This author demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling.

Each sentence contains a subject and a verb. (“Kids just tell you bluntly, while adults will soothe you and make sure you are fine with the information they are giving you.”)

Each sentence ends with a punctuation mark. (“At that moment I knew exactly why she was an adult I admired so much!”)

Each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“Suddenly, I felt myself drifting into my own thoughts about adults.”)

Model Essay

Everyone has their own presumptions of what good qualities are. Some might be universal and others are based on personal experiences. My idea of excellent qualities stems from two of my mentors and my inspirations. My parents are two people that I purpose to pattern after. They are constantly teaching my sisters and me that: integrity, responsibility, love, and loyalty are the best qualities to have. These two people encourage me to live everyday with my head held high.

Integrity, is no more than honesty in its purest form. My mother and father taught me that when a person has nothing else, their integrity remains intact. I didn't understand what they meant at first, until I got a little older. I learned that truthfulness will get a person far in life. I also learned from them that no matter how great of an offense committed against someone is that the person will respect you more if you're honest with them. They never lied! Practicing this good quality, I've been exposed to a lot of great opportunities.

If it wasn't for my parents, I would be one of the most dysfunctional people on Earth! They're always giving me tippers on how to organize and prepare myself for every task I might encounter. My parents believe that wisdom can be found it virtually everything. I really admire them in this aspect because their actions reflect this everything. My father makes sure that the bills are always paid on time. My mother makes sure that we eat every day, and that we're equipped with everything we need to work with. The list of their awesomeness can go on and on forever!

My parents taught us that love stretches beyond a persons' strength. I know how to love others, because of them. They have taught me how to be compassionate to others no matter what the situation is. Not all people know how to love properly. I'm learning how to love others whole heartily! No matter how much I disobey or hurt them, they still love me. They continue to show me that love is more than an act of kindness, but that is also an act of humility. Not many people know how to really love a person despite of their actions, but my parents do!

There's nothing like loyal people you can count on. No cause, no relationship, and no kingdom have ever stood without loyalty. That applies to family too! My parents taught me that loyalty starts at home first. The loyalty I've learned from them, is that of standing with the truth. One of my mother's favorite sayings are, "Right is right." She doesn't care if one of her children did something wrong, she's not going to back us up if we're wrong. That's why I admire her so, because she's loyal and honest. Living with radical parents like mine, I can't help but to attach myself to their virtues.

Qualities can be good or not so pleasant. My parents have really expressed great qualities a person should strive to obtained daily. They have shown my siblings and me that honesty, accountability, love, and loyalty are qualities that a person can't survive without. Through them, I know that I can make it every day and not be intimidated to stand tall.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are evident in the essay. It establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience. Most parts of the task are completed.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by using an engaging statement in the beginning of the introduction. (“Everyone has their own presumptions of what good qualities are. Some might be universal and others are based on personal experiences.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to its central idea. (“My mother and father taught me that when a person has nothing else, their integrity remains intact. I didn't understand what they meant at first, until I got a little older. I learned that truthfulness will get a person far in life.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very well. (“My idea of excellent qualities stems from two of my mentors and my inspirations. My parents are two people that I purpose to pattern after. They are constantly teaching my sisters and me that: integrity, responsibility, love, and loyalty are the best qualities to have. These two people encourage me to live everyday with my head held high.”)

Content & Development

Good content and development are visible in this essay. Ideas are developed clearly while using sufficient and appropriate details for support.

The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“If it wasn't for my parents, I would be one of the most dysfunctional people on Earth! They're always giving me tippers on how to organize and prepare myself for every task I might encounter. My parents believe that wisdom can be found it virtually everything. I really admire them in this aspect because their actions reflect this everything. My father makes sure that the bills are always paid on time. My mother makes sure that we eat every day, and that we're equipped with everything we need to work with.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“My parents taught us that love stretches beyond a persons' strength. I know how to love others, because of them. They have taught me how to be compassionate to others no matter what the situation is. Not all people know how to love properly. I'm learning how to love others whole heartily! No matter how much I disobey or hurt them, they still love me.”)

The details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“There's nothing like loyal people you can count on… My parents taught me that loyalty starts at home first. The loyalty I've learned from them, is that of standing with the truth. One of my mother's favorite sayings are, ‘Right is right.’”)

Organization

This essay shows good organization, including a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention during the introduction. (“My idea of excellent qualities stems from two of my mentors and my inspirations.”)

The conclusion summarizes the main points of this essay very well. (“Qualities can be good or not so pleasant. My parents have really expressed great qualities a person should strive to obtained daily. They have shown my siblings and me that honesty, accountability, love, and loyalty are qualities that a person can't survive without. Through them, I know that I can make it every day and not be intimidated to stand tall.”)

The introduction and the conclusion are connected through descriptions and qualities of the writer’s parents. (“My parents are two people that I purpose to pattern after. They are constantly teaching my sisters and me that: integrity, responsibility, love, and loyalty are the best qualities to have. These two

people encourage me to live everyday with my head held high...Qualities can be good or not so pleasant. My parents have really expressed great qualities a person should strive to obtained daily. They have shown my siblings and me that honesty, accountability, love, and loyalty are qualities that a person can't survive without.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates good language use and style. The language and word choice are appropriate for the audience, and some evidence of voice exists. Furthermore, well-structured sentences with some variety are used.

The language and tone are consistent in each topic sentence of the body paragraphs. (“Integrity, is no more than honesty in its purest form…If it wasn't for my parents, I would be one of the most dysfunctional

people on Earth! …There's nothing like loyal people you can count on.”)

Coherent style and tone regarding what the writer admires in his/her parents ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the four body paragraphs are related. Thus, they strengthen the thesis statement of the essay. (“I learned that truthfulness will get a person far in life. I also learned from them that no matter how great of an offense committed against someone is that the person will respect you more if you're honest with them… My parents believe that wisdom can be found it virtually

everything. I really admire them in this aspect because their actions reflect this everything…They taught us that love stretches beyond a persons' strength. I know how to love others, because of them... My parents taught me that loyalty starts at home first. The loyalty I've learned from them, is that of standing with the

truth.”)

The compound sentence, “My mother makes sure that we eat every day, and that we're equipped with everything we need to work with,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

There is good control of mechanics and conventions in this essay. Few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are made, and they do not interfere with the message; for example, “One of my mother's favorite sayings is, ‘Right is right.’”

Most sentences have a subject and a verb. (“These two people encourage me to live everyday with my head held high.”)

Most sentences end with a punctuation mark. (“The list of their awesomeness can go on and on forever!”)

Model Essay

When people are young, they become influenced by everything they see or hear. Everywhere we go, we can see how everybody is different in the fact that we all have different qualities that we follow and like. People are judged in their everyday life by how they execute their qualities. Qualities are what makes us better people. Most of us have heroes that we admire. We like them because they are brave, strong, and they always win. Some people though, do not realize that normal people like our family may not have super powers, but they influence us in every way. Quality is what makes up our personality.

I admire all my family because they have the qualities that I want to have. Honesty is a big quality that I admire. Being honest makes someone reliable to trust in. Being brave is also important. Brave in the sense of being able to face every day with a smile and a positive attitude. To face tough situations and to always try no matter the outcome. I also admire my family because most of them are independent. Sarcasm is a quality that I personally dislike when it is used all the time. There are people who do not take anything seriously or think that life is just fun. I like it when people have something set to follow and achieve what they planned to achieve.

Although I do not like sarcasm, sense of humor is a big quality that I admire. People who always try to be happy and positive in every situation no matter what the outcomes are. The most important quality I think is the quality to fight for what you want. I admire my parents because they always fought for a better life for my brother and me. No matter what, my mom always fought for me to get in a good school and soccer club. People who try even if they fail and do not care what anybody thinks.

Finally, qualities as we know them today are what makes everybody different. People are recognized and admired by the way they act. I admire my parents for their honesty, sincerity, their will to fight for everything, etc. Sarcasm is a quality I dislike, but sense of humor I admire for it brings joy to people.

Heroes are remembered for their actions as courageous and righteous. I admire all qualities that are benefitial to becoming a greater human being. Qualities that makes us wake up everyday and execute to make this world better and influence others around us.

Everyone has a quality to share, even if we already have that quality, it is from another perspective.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is adequate focus and meaning in this essay. It establishes a controlling idea and demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience. The writer completes many parts of the task to elaborate on qualities of adults he or she admires.

The thesis states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. (“Some people though, do not realize that normal people like our family may not have super powers, but they

influence us in every way.”)

The writer adequately understands the intended audience. (“Everywhere we go, we can see how everybody is different in the fact that we all have different qualities that we follow and like. People are judged in their everyday life by how they execute their qualities. Qualities are what makes us better people. Most of us

have heroes that we admire.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience. There is little use of slang or contractions. (“Although I do not like sarcasm, sense of humor is a big quality that I admire.”)

Content & Development

The writer adequately develops ideas and content, using sufficient details to support each. More specific details, however, would have been beneficial.

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“I admire all my family because they have the qualities that I want to have. Honesty is a big quality that I admire. Being honest makes someone reliable to trust in. Being brave is also important. Brave in the sense of being able to face every day with a smile and a positive attitude. To face tough situations and to always try no matter the outcome. I also admire my family because most of them are independent.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraph effectively support the thesis. (“I admire all my family because they have the qualities that I want to have. Honesty is a big quality that I admire. Being honest makes someone reliable to trust in. Being brave is also important... Although I do not like sarcasm, sense of humor is a big quality that I admire…The most important quality I think is the quality to fight for what you want.”)

The essay includes brief explanations about each of the main ideas. (“Sarcasm is a quality that I personally dislike when it is used all the time. There are people who do not take anything seriously or think that life is just fun. I like it when people have something set to follow and achieve what they planned to achieve.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates good use of organization with a generally unified structure and a noticeable introduction and conclusion, but there is inconsistent use of paragraphing.

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a puzzling statement. (“When people are young, they become influenced by everything they see or hear. Everywhere we go, we can see how

everybody is different in the fact that we all have different qualities that we follow and like.”)

The introduction provides enough information for readers to understand the connection between the background information and the thesis statement. (“Most of us have heroes that we admire. We like them because they are brave, strong, and they always win. Some people though, do not realize that normal people like our family may not have super powers, but they influence us in every way. Quality is what makes up our personality.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. (“No matter what, my mom always fought for me to get in a good school and soccer club. People who try even if they fail and do not

care what anybody thinks. Finally, qualities as we know them today are what makes everybody different.”)

Language Use & Style

Adequate and appropriate language and word choice are demonstrated in this essay. There is an awareness of audience and control of voice, as well as generally correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied, which enhances the direction of the thesis statement. (“Some people though, do not realize that normal people like our family may not have super powers, but they influence us in every way. Quality is what makes up our personality.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor; for example, the improper use of the word “execute” in the following sentence: “Qualities that makes us wake up everyday and execute to make this world better and influence others around us.”

There are few exact/specific words related to the prompt task. The best example of this is the use of the word “quality.”

Mechanics & Conventions

Adequate control of mechanics and conventions is displayed in this essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

For example, “Everyone has a quality to share, even if we already have that quality, it is from another perspective,” is a run-on sentence.

Many sentences end with a punctuation mark. (“Although I do not like sarcasm, sense of humor is a big quality that I admire.”)

Many sentences begin with a capital letter. (“I admire my parents because they always fought for a better life for my brother and me.”)

Model Essay

As a young person there are adults in my life that I respect and admire. When I grow up I want to look back at them as my role models. To be a role model is to have a positive influence on someone. You show them respect, and teach them how to deal with important life situations. I have two people in my that have helped me be who I am today, and hopefully who I will be in my future. I appritiate them in my life, and I admire them.

The first person that I admire is my mother. I look to her for advice and I know that she will always give me her honest opinion. No matter what, she believes in everything that I do. She trusts and supports almost all of my decisions, and gives me guidance on what she dosn't support. I know that she is always putting me first. I also admire her for raising me the way that she did. I believe that she raised me to have important values, and I thank her for that.

The second person that I admire is my dance teacher. I have known her since I was four years old and her studio is like a second home to me. When she watches us dance she is very criticizing, and yells a lot.

When I was little I used to think it was because she didn't like us, but now I realize that it was acutally because she cares. She always pushed us to give 110%. She taught me to work hard and be the best that I possibly can at everything I do. She inspires me to keep working for something even when at times I want to give up. Most of all she taught me patience in life. I am glad that I have her to guide me, and thankful for helping me become the person that I am today.

Thoughout my life I have realized that young people everywhere have role models and people who they admire. It's important that kids admire strong people that can inspire them to do good and make a difference. I am very lucky that I have both my mom and my dance teacher. They inspire me to be the best that I can be.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of this essay are relatively limited. The writer establishes a controlling idea but demonstrates only some understanding of the purpose and audience, which results in completion of only some parts of the task.

The essay states a limited central/controlling idea. (“To be a role model is to have a positive influence on someone. You show them respect, and teach them how to deal with important life situations.”)

In the introduction, only a limited supporting idea of the essay is stated. (“I have two people in my that have helped me be who I am today, and hopefully who I will be in my future. I appritiate them in my life, and I admire them.”)

In the introduction, only a limited point of view is stated. (“As a young person there are adults in my life that I respect and admire. When I grow up I want to look back at them as my role models. To be a role model is to have a positive influence on someone. You show them respect, and teach them how to deal with important life situations. I have two people in my that have helped me be who I am today, and hopefully who I will be in my future. I appritiate them in my life, and I admire them.”)

Content & Development

This essay contains limited content and brief and inconsistent development of ideas while using insufficient details for support.

The essay demonstrates a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“The first person that I admire is my mother. I look to her for advice and I know that she will always give me her honest opinion. No matter what, she believes in everything that I do. She trusts and supports almost all of my decisions, and gives me guidance on what she dosn't support. I know that she is always putting me first. I also admire her for raising me the way that she did.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the writer’s controlling idea. (“The first person that I admire is my mother. I look to her for advice and I know that she will always give me her honest

opinion.”)

The writer fails to include enough relevant points that explain and illustrate part of the main idea. (“You show them respect, and teach them how to deal with important life situations.”) Another example of this follows. (“The second person that I admire is my dance teacher. I have known her since I was four years old and her studio is like a second home to me. When she watches us dance she is very criticizing, and yells a lot. When I was little I used to think it was because she didn't like us, but now I realize that it was acutally because she cares. She always pushed us to give 110%. She taught me to work hard and be the best that I possibly can at everything I do.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates limited organization. While there is evidence of structure, it has an uncertain introduction and conclusion, lacks proper paragraphing, and does not contain above average transitional devices.

The introduction attempts to include a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“To be a role model is to have a positive influence on someone.”)

Better transitions between sentences are needed. (“She always pushed us to give 110%. She taught me to work hard and be the best that I possibly can at everything I do. She inspires me to keep working for something even when at times I want to give up.”)

The conclusion attempts to summarize the main points of the essay and does so rather well. (“Thoughout my life I have realized that young people everywhere have role models and people who they admire. It's important that kids admire strong people that can inspire them to do good and make a difference. I am very lucky that I have both my mom and my dance teacher. They inspire me to be the best that I can be.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates limited language use and style. There is simple language and word choice, as well as inadequate awareness of audience and control of voice.

The lengths of the sentences, particularly to open the two body paragraphs, are short. (“The first person that I admire is my mother.”)

Exact words are missing. (“No matter what, she believes in everything that I do.”)

The writer should include more varied transitions besides “first” and “second,” which are the opening words in the two body paragraphs.

Mechanics & Conventions

There is limited control of mechanics and conventions in this essay. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message.

The essay should be reviewed for spelling mistakes. For example, “appritiate,” “dosn’t,” “acutally,” and “thoughout” are used and can be easily corrected. Each sentence should also contain a subject and a verb. (“I have two people in my that have helped me be who I am today, and hopefully who I will be in my

future.”)

Model Essay

Adults have many great qualities that they've attained from their youth. My father, for example, never gives up. He also never stops learning; he tries to learn new things every day, no matter how hard they are.

Teachers also have some amazing qualities, such as their great patience.

Even if a teacher seems impatient, they are actually the complete opposite. Teachers have at least 30 or more students to keep track of, and on top of that, have to grade multiple assignments for each studen. It takes alot of patience and hard work to be able to accomplish the things that teachers do. Adults have many more amazing qualities, more than I could ever list.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay displays minimal focus and meaning. It suggests a controlling idea about qualities that children look for in adults but demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience. Few parts of the task are completed.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the

writer’s ideas of admirable qualities clear and convincing. Instead, it jumps into examples. (“Adults have many great qualities that they've attained from their youth. My father, for example, never gives up.”)

In the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is not stated. (“Adults have many great qualities that they've attained from their youth.”)

The writing style is not appropriate for the audience. (“Adults have many more amazing qualities, more than I could ever list.”)

Content & Development

This essay contains minimal content and development. Ideas are incompletely and inadequately developed, with few details used to support them.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s thesis statement. Additionally, the essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“Adults have many great qualities that they've attained from their youth. My father, for example, never gives up. He also never stops learning; he tries to learn new things every day, no matter how hard they are. Teachers also have some amazing qualities, such as their great patience.”)

Each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. Qualities of the writer’s father are located in the introduction, while the second (and final) paragraph discusses the traits of teachers.

The details minimally explain and illustrate the evidence for the good qualities of an adult. (“Even if a teacher seems impatient, they are actually the complete opposite. Teachers have at least 30 or more students to keep track of, and on top of that, have to grade multiple assignments for each studen.”)

Organization

There is minimal organization found in this essay. Additionally, there is little evidence of structure, a poor introduction and conclusion, and little use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The first sentence of the introduction does little to include a question, a quotation, or an interesting fact or statistic. Thus, it fails to grab the readers’ attention. (“Adults have many great qualities that they've

attained from their youth.”)

There is little evidence of transitional devices to help connect ideas. (“Teachers also have some amazing qualities, such as their great patience. Even if a teacher seems impatient, they are actually the complete opposite.”)

The essay does little to include a strong conclusion. (“Adults have many more amazing qualities, more than I could ever list.”)

Language Use & Style

Minimal language use and style are shown in this essay, as well as poor word choice, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Exact, more concise words are missing. (“He also never stops learning; he tries to learn new things every day, no matter how hard they are.”)

A better transition is needed between the following sentences: “It takes alot of patience and hard work to be able to accomplish the things that teachers do. Adults have many more amazing qualities, more than I could ever list.”

The style is not formal enough. (“Adults have many great qualities that they've attained from their youth.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Minimal control of mechanics and conventions is demonstrated in this essay. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message are visible. It is also difficult to gauge the writer’s control because of the short length of this essay.

The following sentence, “Teachers have at least 30 or more students to keep track of, and on top of that, have to grade multiple assignments for each studen,” contains a significant spelling error.

Model Essay

A quality that I admire from adults is maturity. Maturity is a very valuable trait to have, and people will respect you if you show that you can be mature and work hard and do your best. Not always easy but important to always do . Maturity is also positive behavior.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate focus and meaning. It fails to establish a controlling idea, demonstrates no understanding of purpose and audience, and completes virtually no portion of the task other than establishing a controlling thought.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“Maturity is also positive behavior.”)

In the introduction, the supporting idea of the essay is not stated. (“A quality that I admire from adults is maturity. Maturity is a very valuable trait to have, and people will respect you if you show that you can be mature and work hard and do your best.”)

Content & Development

There is very inadequate content and development in this essay. The writer does not develop ideas and uses no details for support.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central or controlling idea of the essay. (“A quality that I admire from adults is maturity. Maturity is a very valuable trait to have, and people will respect you if you show that you can be mature and work hard and do your best. Not always easy but important to always do . Maturity is also positive behavior.”)

A minimum of three main ideas are not included as evidence in this essay. Not only are there no main ideas in the body paragraphs, the essay also consists of only four relatively short sentences and contains nothing more than a brief introduction to the topic. (“A quality that I admire from adults is maturity.

Maturity is a very valuable trait to have, and people will respect you if you show that you can be mature and work hard and do your best. Not always easy but important to always do . Maturity is also positive behavior.”)

Organization

This essay has virtually no organization. It demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion, as well as no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“A quality that I admire from adults is maturity.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are needed. (“Maturity is a very valuable trait to have, and people will respect you if you show that you can be mature and work hard and do your best. Not always easy but important to always do .”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. In fact, no conclusion exists. (“Maturity is also positive behavior.”)

Language Use & Style

There is inadequate language use and style evident in this essay. The writer demonstrates incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentence lengths are short. (“Not always easy but important to always do . Maturity is also positive behavior.”)

The essay uses the same group of words to begin the two sentences in its only paragraph. (“A quality that I admire from adults is maturity. Maturity is a very valuable trait to have, and people will respect you if you show that you can be mature and work hard and do your best. Not always easy but important to always do . Maturity is also positive behavior.”)

The sentence, “Not always easy but important to always do,” is too informal and does not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

There is inadequate control of mechanics and conventions in this essay, though it is far too short to give ample feedback about these problems. The essay does not have consistent use and proper placement of punctuation, which makes it confusing to read at certain points. (“Maturity is a very valuable trait to have, and people will respect you if you show that you can be mature and work hard and do your best. Not

always easy but important to always do .”)

Reflect on the work you have completed in this class to date. What did you do well? What could you have done better?

Write a multi-paragraph essay analyzing your performance in this class. Discuss your strengths and weaknesses and your goals for improvement. Be sure to include examples and details to support your reflection.

Model Essay

The first quarter of my physics class was very difficult with many ups and downs. I got to learn many new things such as velocity, two and three dimensional kinematics, circular motion and Sir Isaac Newton's three laws of motion. However, I did not do so well in class such as in quizzes and tests. After the first quarter I noticed that I had certain strengths in understanding the concepts and equations, but my weaknesses were in test taking because I had not studied hard enough and had not worked on enough problems to fully understand how each concept is applied to each problem. Therefore, my goal for the next quarter is to get one letter grade higher at the least, and so the only way to do that is by working on improving my weaknesses.

For the first quarter, I had done well on home work assignments, class work assignments and note-taking for each chapter. My home work and class work percentage for the first quarter were around 80 to 90 percent, but I had not done well on my quizzes and tests which were my downs for the quarter. The percentage of my grade regarding quizzes and tests was around a low 60 to at most a 70 percent, and, according to my physics teacher's course syllabus it stated that tests and quizzes were about 30 percent of the overall grade. So with about 60 percent test scores meant that about 30 percent of my overall grade was at 60 percent. Another one of my downs for the first quarter is my lab report grades. The procedure my physics teacher desires for her lab reports are different from the procedure my chemistry teacher desired last year. Therefore, I was too used to writing my lab reports according to my last year science teacher's procedure which led to a series of low lab report grades in the beginning to the middle of my first quarter. However, as the first quarter began to end, I became accustomed to her procedure for lab reports, but that was too late. Moreover, my lab report grades were around a 70 to 80 percent with her course syllabus stating that lab reports were also a major part of the overall grade. So with my already 60 percent for 30 percent of my overall grade, I had a middle 70 percent for another major part of my overall grade which averaged my grade out to a low percentage. I later noticed that if I would have done better on quizzes and tests, then I could have possibly raised my grade by at least a letter grade.

My strengths for the first quarter were understanding the concepts and their derivatives but also writing lab reports. Writing lab reports used to be my weakness in the beginning of the first quarter but as I understood how my physics teacher wanted it, my weakness became my strength as I quickly changed my procedure to the way that my teacher wanted it. My weaknesses for the first quarter were test taking and the application of certain concepts and derivatives to certain kinds of problems. During test taking such as my chapter 2 test on two-dimensional kinematics, I would understand each concept and their derivatives I had written down on my note card to use for the test but I was not able to correctly apply the concepts for some of the problems. This resulted in a low test score for my chapter 2 and chapter 4; therefore, this major weakness caused my grade to drop pretty low.

My plans for improving next quarter are to study more often, understand the concepts and their derivatives and also to practice applying them to different kinds of problems. These parts that I would improve on would be essential to raising my grade from the low first quarter grade to maybe one letter grade higher. I would carry out my plan by first prioritizing more effectively and efficiently. Every day from school, I

would get lots of home work assignments such as from my AP United States history class, Pre calculus math class and my AP English class. Therefore, most of the time I would spend time doing my social studies and math home work. By the time I am done, I am either too tired or just too lazy to start on anything else because it is already late at night. So by managing my time more effectively and efficiently, I would be able to do my physics home work such as studying for tests before I get too tired or too lazy to start because it is already late. The final part of my plan that I would carry out is by not only understanding the concepts and their derivatives but also their application to certain problems. My plan for executing this part would be to practice working on different problems in the book that show when to use what concept to obtain the correct answer.

As the first quarter came to an end, I was not exactly pleased with my grade because it was very low and I regretted that I had not tried hard enough. I knew I could have done much better but at the same time I am slightly pleased with how I was able to understand each concept and their derivatives. This quarter had many ups and downs for me, but my strengths would have to be doing taking good notes, understanding each concept and their derivatives and writing lab reports. My weaknesses would have to be test taking and the application of certain concepts and derivatives to certain kinds of problems, but overall, I am glad that I had not failed the class because I believe that although I had not done well in my first quarter, I am confident that I would be able to raise my grade if I understand my weaknesses and follow a plan to improve which are to study more often, prioritize and to understand the application of concepts and derivatives to certain problems.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea, demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, completes all parts of the task, and may go beyond the limits of the task. From the introduction to the conclusion, the author stays on topic and systematically addresses each topic. All topics discussed relate to the main idea and little or no irrelevant information is presented. (“The first quarter of my physics class was very difficult with many ups and downs. I got to learn many new things such as velocity, two and three dimensional kinematics, circular motion and Sir Isaac Newton's three laws of motion. However, I did not do so well in class such as in

quizzes and tests.”)

Content & Development

The essay has very effective content and development. It develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details to support ideas. It provides an additional example to help explain the importance of this detail to the readers. The author provides a very detailed report on how her grades suffered and subsequently improved. Furthermore, the voice throughout the essay is consistently professional and sufficiently formal for the style of writing the author chooses. (“The percentage of my grade regarding quizzes and tests was around a low 60 to at most a 70 percent, and, according to my physics teacher's course syllabus it stated that tests and quizzes were about 30 percent of the overall

grade.”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion and effective use of transitional devices throughout. The author separates ideas into different paragraphs. Ideas include strengths, weaknesses and ideas for future improvements. The author provides a substantive introduction as well as a comprehensive conclusion. While the conclusion does not directly provide a lesson, it does offer an honest overall assessment of the situation. (“As the first quarter came to an end, I was not exactly pleased with my grade because it was very low and I regretted that I had not tried hard enough. I knew I could have done much better but at the same time I am slightly pleased with how I was able to understand each concept and their derivatives. This quarter had many ups and downs for me, but my strengths would have to be doing taking good notes, understanding each concept and their derivatives and writing lab reports.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has very effective language use and style. It demonstrates precise language use, artful word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. It also uses well-structured and varied sentences. (“…I am confident that I would be able to raise my grade if I understand my weaknesses and follow a plan to improve which are to study more often, prioritize and to understand the application of concepts and derivatives to certain problems.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of conventions and mechanics. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. The author does occasionally make errors in comma usage, but the amount and quality of the content more than makes up for any minor deficiencies in the mechanics or

conventions. (“My plan for executing this part would be to practice working on different problems in the book that show when to use what concept to obtain the correct answer.”)

Model Essay

One of my strengths in my composition class is trying to get the work done the best that I can. I know that I need a lot of help with my work, but it hard to get help because there is not tutoring. I try to keep up with the work, but sometimes I have health problems and it makes it hard on me. And I also need to use my glasses to see in class. When I miss class I come to school and ask my teachers what I missed and collect my work to do at home. I be very responsible to pick up my work every time that I miss school so at least I get credit for doing my work.

I try to get help from the teacher, but teachers have too much work to do and little time to tutor any student. All the teachers can do is give me the work that I have missed to take home. I understand that when I miss classes I get behind, but I do try to catch up the best of my ability. I need a lot of help wit hmy work and I just don't know where to get it from.

My worse weakness is not coming to school every day. This means that I have to turn in my work late. I haven't been focusing the way I should. I have to try to focus more in class. I need to try to get help from anyone that can help with my work. I also try too hard to look good, and making that a priority. I need to learn to concentrate on what the teacher is saying, but sometimes is hard for me to do so. I don't pay attention in class the way I should, instead I pay attention to my looks and everything else around me. And when I need help ask for it and not be shy to raise my hand in class. My number one problem is that I leave everything for the last minute and do it as soon as I get it. I should do my work when I get it and not for the day before that is due.

My goal is to come to classes every day, and to try to research and use the internet the best way that I can to help me with my work. I also have to ask my doctor to help me with my health problems so that I won't miss classes anymore. I need to go to school every day and try to focus in class even if I have to get pushed to go to school every day. I'm going to try to stay after school as much as I can to get help with my work. I have to talk to my doctor to ask him to give me some ideas on how to improve my health so that I an work harder and come to school every day.

I intend to make school my priority, to try harder and follow up when I get assignments. I have to drop any after school activities outside of school and make my education my first goal and priority. I could've done better this year, but I had a lot of things going on in my mind, but next year I'm going to be focused on my school work, and nothing else. Just work, work, work, and work.

I hope that I will be able to follow the plan and start getting better grades in school and stop being the

“belle" of the classroom and stop worrying about how I look and pay more attention to my school work. I believe that I have not been a good student. I forgot the things that I had learned regarding my education. Hopefully, I will be a better student next year and be successful in the future. I will concentrate on learning my lessons and get the help that I need to do so.

It is my goal and my wish that I'll be able to get back to being a good student and getting good grades. All this with the help of my teachers and maybe a tutor. Doing what I should have done, work hard and keep my mind on my school work, not my friends. I will try to focus on my homework and work at school to the best as I can.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has good focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience and completes most parts of the task. (“One of my strengths in my composition class is trying to get the work done the best that I can. I know that I need a lot of help with my work, but it hard to get help because there is not tutoring. I try to keep up with the work, but sometimes I have health problems and it makes it hard on me.”)

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. It develops ideas clearly, using sufficient appropriate details to support ideas. Although ideas are not as developed as they are in the level 6 essay, they are still detailed more than adequately and provide examples of how the author has weaknesses and how he or she plans to improve upon them. (“My worse weakness is not coming to school every day. This means that I have to

turn in my work late. I haven't been focusing the way I should.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion and consistent use of transitional devices. There is a good attempt made to provide a comprehensive introduction and conclusion. There is an attempt made at teaching a lesson as well in the concluding remarks which helps put the essay in greater perspective. (“It is my goal and my wish that I'll be able to get back to being a good student and getting good grades. All this with the help of my teachers and maybe a tutor. Doing what I should have done, work hard and keep my mind on my school work, not my friends. I will try to focus on my homework and work at school to the best as I can.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has good language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language use and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. It also uses well-structured sentences with some

variety. (“I have to drop any after school activities outside of school and make my education my first goal and priority. I could've done better this year, but I had a lot of things going on in my mind, but next year I'm going to be focused on my school work, and nothing else.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of conventions and mechanics. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics,

punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. (“My goal is to come to classes every day, and to try to research and use the internet the best way that I can to help me with my work. I also have to ask my doctor to help me with my health problems so that I won't miss classes anymore. I need to go to school every day and try to focus in class even if I have to get pushed to go to school every day.”)

Model Essay

In the following document I will talk about the goals I haven't achieved and the problems I have when focusing on doing homework . I will also be reviewing my performance in this class in which I have not performed at the level I expected to .I will discuss weaknesses that have not prevented me from achieving my goal. In the other hand I will discuss the advancements I have achieved during the time period. I will discuss some problems I might have when trying to achieve these goals

The work I have done in this class is not that good for what I should be doing for myself. I haven't achieved what I should have by now. I have progressed quite some amount but not what I was hoping to have done by this time of the year. I am probably half way trough every class I have but I should have been done by now in point of view. I believe that some reasons I haven't been at the point of achieving my goal is because of lack of work at home . Another reason could be that not to much work is being finished fast enough.

The work at home doesn't get finished at home because of one reason or another. Either the work is too much I don't have time to finish It but I attempt to finish . Another maybe that I don't make time for It or just don't do It even tough I should.I have other duties that I have to do at home that sometimes don't let me finish what im doing Sometimes the time just flies by when your doing something besides homework . Im a person who would get easily distracted either by TV or computer any reason .

When I focus on doing my work I really get my work done and a lot of it done. Sometimes the work may be too easy and sometimes it takes me forever to finish. There might be one day that I just focus and do the work without being distracted. Some strength's are that when I want to work I work . I have a lot of points in my classes the problem is also finishing up the class the last 10 to 20 points rather take sometime for me to finish.Some strenghts I have are that Im a fast learner and oce I get the hang of what Im supposed to do I do it much faster and more effectively.

In conclusion I believe that if you are really desperate to finish a class in a certain amount of time you should have the will power to do so . I f you put up excusses that may be something like, Ill do it tomorrow or watch T.V. while you do it yur never going to get done. Sometimes you say to yourself im tired and take that day off alright its reasonable but the problem is your also going to feel like sleeping sometime in the same week again and again. My advice is that if you need to get something done get it done and then do what you want to do .

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea and demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience and completes many parts of the task. (“In the following document I will talk about the goals I haven't achieved and the problems I have when focusing on doing homework . I will also be reviewing my performance in this class in which I have not performed at the level I expected to .I will discuss weaknesses that have not prevented me from achieving my goal.”)

Content & Development

The essay contains adequate content and development. It develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details to support ideas. The author does present several ideas and expands upon them in three lengthy body paragraphs, but there is a lack of insight that would be expected at the high school level. (“The work I have done in this class is not that good for what I should be doing for myself. I haven't achieved what I should have by now. I have progressed quite some amount but not what I was hoping to have done by this

time of the year.”)

Organization

The essay has adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion; however, there is an inconsistent use of transitional devices. There is an adequate introduction, but it is awkward and only adequately states the purpose of the essay. Like the level 5 essay, the level 4 does attempt to provide a lesson to readers throughout the essay, but it is less effective overall. (“In conclusion I believe that if you are really desperate to finish a class in a certain amount of time you should have the will power to do so . I f you put up excusses that may be something like, Ill do it tomorrow or watch T.V. while you do it yur never going to get done.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has adequate language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language use and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. General use of correct sentence structure with some variety is also present. Although the content for this particular essay would perhaps be sufficient for a level 5 essay, the lack of detail, including real world examples, hurts the essay’s tone considerably. The language and style could be improved with more creative detail. (“Some strenghts I have are that Im a fast learner and oce I get the hang of what Im supposed to do I do it much faster and more effectively.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has adequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. (“Sometimes you say to yourself im tired and take that day off alright its reasonable but the

problem is your also going to feel like sleeping sometime in the same week again and again. My advice is that if you need to get something done get it done and then do what you want to do .”)

Model Essay

This class has made me a better person because of all the hard work I've put into it. This class has made me realize what awaits me in college. Never in my nine years of being a student have I endured such a hardworking teacher as mine. She has been one of the best teachers I have ever had. Her standard is different amongst all the teachers which is what I enjoy.

In my class I strongly believe I have done many assignments well. For instance, all the projects assigned to me have been taken seriously and have been completed on time. Also, most of the test returned to me were received with a rank of a C or better. Each and every schoolwork assignment has been turned in completed. However, I cannot say that my work practices have greatly exceeded my expectations, neither that of my teachers.

Secondly, I strongly recognize that I could have done better this semester. I could've taken this class more seriously and could've read the book Our Town more cautiously in order to score well on the test. I did not care much for school this semester for the reason that I was not challenged enough. However, that was no excuse to do bad. I should've taken school more seiously than I did. However, I did'nt therefore I shall be pleased with the score I recieve.

What has been done is done and cannot be rebuilt back in time. Thus far there is little time left untill the semester is over.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea, but demonstrates little

understanding of the purpose and audience and completes some parts of the task. (“This class has made me a better person because of all the hard work I've put into it. This class has made me realize what awaits me in college. Never in my nine years of being a student have I endured such a hardworking teacher as

mine.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. It develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support ideas. Although the author does attempt to provide several examples of improving in school, the lack of detail as well as the absence of a substantive conclusion limits the essay’s overall effectiveness. (“Also, most of the test returned to me were received with a rank of a C or better. Each and every schoolwork assignment has been turned in completed.”)

Organization

The essay has limited organization. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion and lacks some transitional devices. There is an attempt to provide an introductory paragraph, but there is virtually no conclusion. The author does attempt to break different ideas into separate paragraphs. (“Secondly, I strongly recognize that I could have done better this semester. I could've taken this class more seriously and could've read the book Our Town more cautiously in order to score well on the test.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has limited language use and style. It demonstrates simple language use, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and it relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice. (“I did not care much for school this semester for the reason that I was not challenged enough.

However, that was no excuse to do bad. I should've taken school more seiously than I did.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has limited control of conventions and mechanics. It has several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. (“I should've taken school more seiously than I did. However, I did'nt therefore I shall be pleased with the

score I recieve.”)

Model Essay

I have had my up's and down's but i believe that i have done relatively well their are many assignments that i know i haven't done the best in everything but i have improved a lot in this subject well i think so. well u miss semon have helped me a lot in my writing and when i talk to someone i think about how you would say that word to the person in a way they could understand i also learned how to brake down a paragraph to view a paragraph in a very different way i could think the book meant something totally different but when u learn how to brake everything down when u read helps you a lot even when u try and read what you wrote over it help.

Very much so with my visual learning because i know you know this i am a very very good visual learner that's how i understand most things better when i read i could read for hours but the thing is i am able to

read all that but i will retain only about 10% of the material i read that is why i love visual learning Another thing about this class that can help you later on in life and in this class that is really good the group work we did it was very fun and educational that way are work would be much easier and we could have fun doing our work.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. It suggests a controlling idea, but demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and completes few parts of the task. (“I have had my up's and

down's but i believe that i have done relatively well their are many assignments that i know i haven't done the best in everything but i have improved a lot in this subject well i think so.”)

Content & Development

The essay has minimal content and development. It develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support ideas. (“i also learned how to brake down a paragraph to view a paragraph in a very different way i could think the book meant something totally different but when u learn how to brake everything down when u read helps you a lot even when u try and read what you wrote over it help.”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. It demonstrates little evidence of a unified structure with a poor introduction and conclusion and little evidence of transitional devices. (“Very much so with my visual learning because i know you know this i am a very very good visual learner that's how i understand most things better when i read i could read for hours but the thing is i am able to read all that but i will retain only about 10% of the material i read that is why i love visual learning”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has minimal language use and style. It demonstrates poor language use, with little awareness of audience. The writer makes basic errors in sentence structure, word choice, and usage. (“well u miss semon have helped me a lot in my writing and when i talk to someone i think about how you would say that word to the person in a way they could understand i also learned how to brake down a paragraph to view a paragraph in a very different way i could think the book meant something totally different but when u learn how to brake everything down when u read helps you a lot even when u try and read what you wrote over it help.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates minimal control of conventions and mechanics. Significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. (“Very much so with my visual learning because i know you know this i am a very very good visual learner that's how i understand most things better when i read i could read for hours but the thing is i am able to read all that but i will retain only about 10% of the material i read that is why i love visual learning”)

Model Essay

what id did well was i actually did my work i also got most of my grammer right on this page i only hAD TO GO BASCK AND CORRECT LIKE FIVE WORDS. MY PLANNING AND ARGUMENT ONT HE SUBJSECT ATTCHED TO WHAT I SAID ON THE ESSAY. THE WRIITNG ASSIGNMENT WAS

OKAYT BUT NOT WHAT IT SHOULD BE. I COULD IMPROVE BY SLOWING DOWNA DN KEEPING UP ON MY GTRAMMER AND WORK.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate or no focus and meaning. It fails to establish a controlling idea and demonstrates no understanding of the purpose and audience and completes no parts of the task. (“what id did well was i actually did my work i also got most of my grammer right on this page i only hAD TO GO BASCK AND CORRECT LIKE FIVE WORDS.”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate or no content and development. It fails to develop ideas and uses no details for support. (“THE WRIITNG ASSIGNMENT WAS OKAYT BUT NOT WHAT IT SHOULD BE. I COULD IMPROVE BY SLOWING DOWNA DN KEEPING UP ON MY GTRAMMER AND WORK.”)

Organization

The essay has inadequate or no organization. It demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion and no evidence of transitional devices. (“what id did well was i actually did my work i also got most of my grammer right on this page i only hAD TO GO BASCK AND CORRECT LIKE FIVE WORDS.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has inadequate language use and style. It demonstrates unclear or incoherent language, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure, word choice, and usage. (“I COULD IMPROVE BY SLOWING DOWNA DN KEEPING UP ON MY GTRAMMER AND WORK.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has inadequate or no control of conventions and mechanics. It contains major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the message. (“i only hAD TO GO BASCK AND CORRECT LIKE FIVE WORDS. MY PLANNING AND ARGUMENT ONT HE SUBJSECT ATTCHED TO WHAT I SAID ON THE ESSAY.”)

We each have an idea of what integrity means in our head, but actually defining this concept is rather difficult. What does integrity mean to you?

Write a multi-paragraph essay in which you articulate your definition of integrity. Include specific details and examples from what you have read, heard, and experienced in your interpretation.

Model Essay

Integrity comes from the word "integer" which means one or wholeness. That means that there are no differences in someone's ethical values from their moral ones, and how they will choose (World Leadership Forum Study Guide p.10). Many people with integrity have been some of our greatest leaders such as Abraham Lincoln. They do not go below boundaries and have values they have set. Honesty, being respectful, and the values we have all are qualities of integrity. People with integrity do not allow other people to influence their ideas even if the peer pressure is intense. A quality of integrity would also be keeping your promises and not breaking them. People with integrity have their ethical values they abide by. Most people have those lines they won't cross and that to an extent can be an example of integrity.

Buddha once said, "Believe nothing just because a so-called wise person said it. Believe nothing just because a belief is generally held. Believe nothing just because it is said in ancient books. Believe nothing just because it is said to be of divine origin. Believe nothing just because someone else believes it. Believe only what you yourself test and judge to be true" (paraphrased). The concept of integrity can be seen in the quote by Buddha. The definition of integrity includes values and morals. People our adolescent age fail to live up to their values because the peer pressure to do many things may be great. They fail to step up and say that they are not going to participate in an activity that violates their fundamental moral values. Many people seem to want to “go with the flow.” They flow down like a raft on a river, they never seem to be

able to get off, and they go past the lines they shouldn’t. My parents have taught me that just because a lot of people are doing something, that doesn’t make it is right, even it is in a movie or on television. There are many times that there are people talking about what they did. I try to avoid listening in on these conversations because they violate my fundamental principles. I know that in reality, things don’t always work out the way these other kids plan. By sticking true to my beliefs, I’m able to achieve more stability and happiness.

Many leaders such as Abraham Lincoln have integrity. Abraham Lincoln was known as "Honest Abe" because of various that occurred when he was younger and he worked as a cashier. For example once he didn't give a man enough change and made a long walk to man's house to give him the correct change, he also did not weigh a woman's tea correct so the next day he went to the woman's house and gave her the remaining amount that he needed to give her. Honesty relates to integrity because when people are honest they are being true to the people around them and to themselves, they can keep a promise they have made and people can rely on them for almost anything. Being honest is a key component of integrity because unless you are true to yourself and others, you can never be a good person.

With integrity comes reliability. Being able to keep a promise and being loyal to someone or something is an essential part of integrity. If you are reliable you are showing that you go beyond what is expected of you and are responsible for the actions you take and for the promises you make. Being reliable can be tricky at times because there are very many "tasty" stories going around that people would love to hear, but if you have integrity you should not go and tell someone else. Being reliable can become a big part of integrity because it also goes back to your morals and values. Will you step over the line and tell someone what you have already promised to keep to yourself or will you hold your tongue no matter how intense the

conversation may get? Something we must always think about is that people look at us by our actions and if we cannot keep a simple promise how will it affect our personal integrity? If we keep a promise, we boost our credibility and people around us see that we have the essence of integrity.

Overall, integrity requires many different and complex characteristics. It requires honesty, reliability, our morals and ethics. Essentially, when you strip away all of the platitudes, integrity basically defines who we are. If we have good moral values where we don’t lie and cheat to get our way around people will look well upon as, but there are those people that have no moral values; they let anyone drag them along and they do not have integrity. People with integrity are many times leaders. They do what is right according to their own ideologies and try to help others in various ways. Many leaders also are considered to have integrity because they can be relied on for many things, and people know that they are loyal. Many leaders have the quality of honesty which also helps and have high goals and morals to help themselves and others make better choices. Integrity requires a lot of strength from our inner selves to do what is right.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

introduction. (“Integrity comes from the word "integer" which means one or wholeness.”) This is an impressive and creative fact that engages even savvy readers. In addition, the tone of the essay is very formal and respectful. It is appropriate for peer students as well as professionals. All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively.

Content & Development

The essay develops ideas fully and artfully and uses a wide variety of appropriate details for support. Relevant points explain and illustrate very effectively. (“With integrity comes reliability. Being able to keep a promise and being loyal to someone or something is an essential part of integrity.”) Supporting

details develop the example well. (“Honesty relates to integrity because when people are honest they are being true to the people around them and to themselves, they can keep a promise they have made and

people can rely on them for almost anything.”) The essay includes facts and statistics, examples, brief narratives or explanations that tell a small story, actual words or quotes, or a definition of a difficult or important word about each of the main ideas.

Organization

their ideas even if the peer pressure is intense.”) Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“Overall, integrity requires many different and complex characteristics.”) The conclusion very effectively teaches the readers a lesson. (“Integrity requires a lot of strength from our

inner selves to do what is right.”)

Language Use & Style

thought-provoking questions that directly engage the readers in a philosophical manner. (“Will you step over the line and tell someone what you have already promised to keep to yourself or will you hold your

tongue no matter how intense the conversation may get?”) There may occasionally be some brief or oddly phrased sentences, but most are well structured.

Mechanics & Conventions

There may be a few errors throughout the response, but mistakes that are made do not interfere with the

author’s intent. (“The concept of integrity can be seen in the quote by Buddha. The definition of integrity includes values and morals.”)

Model Essay

The definition of integrity is extremely dependent on whom you ask. Some may consider character similar to integrity; however there is a large difference between the two terms. Character is who you are when you don t think anyone is looking, but your integrity is your character even under extenuating circumstances, even in the hardest times you manage to be self-less and maintain your morals. The dictionary defines integrity in a brief but more sophisticated manner stating that; integrity is adherence to moral and ethical principles; and soundness of moral character; honesty. Anyone at anytime in any place can show integrity, whether they are faced with a catastrophe such as 9/11, or something as simple as returning change to a cashier who overpaid you, or cheating on a big test, everyone has an opportunity to show integrity.

True integrity was shown during the events of September 11th 2001 on flight 93. The passengers on the flight were faced with certain death, however they chose to save thousands of people from potentially losing their lives and may have even saved the President when they attacked the hijackers and diverted the planes projected route. As President Bush explained "Our enemies have made the mistake that America's enemies always make. They saw liberty and thought they saw weakness." What the so called "enemies" attributed as weakness actually turned out to be the integrity of the American people. Chinua Achebe also explains what the people of Flight 93 did, "One of the truest tests of integrity is its blunt refusal to be compromised. The travelers refused to back down, and were willing to risk their own lives to save that of others.

Another example of integrity would be a person who goes into a grocery store and pays but receives too much change. And regardless of that person s financial situation, they have the integrity to go back to the store and return the change. In this case, integrity could be defined as doing the right thing. Like Oprah states Real integrity is doing the right thing, knowing that nobody's going to know whether you did it or not. If you don t return the extra change, it may go unnoticed however it may not; the cashier may come up short at the end of the day. He or she will end up paying for the mistake.

everyday students make a choice whether or not to have integrity in the classroom. This day in age, cheating is as simple as glancing at your neighbor s paper and copying their answer. Although, cheaters may make a good grade on the assignment they are compromising their integrity. It is not fair to the person who actually completed their work, and it will harm the cheater in the long run. If you duplicate answers on a worksheet for example, how will you know how to complete the problems when the test is administered?

In the end, showing integrity shows what kind of person you are, those who have strong morals and will stick to them no matter what have integrity and a higher regard for the well being of themselves and others. Individuals that choose the easy way out and do not exhibit their integrity are not only showing a lack of

character but, are also demonstrating a deficit in respect and compassion for others. Whether your grades, someone s job or innocent lives are at stake your integrity should be shown in all situations.

Let the LORD judge the peoples. Judge me, O LORD, according to my righteousness, according to my integrity Psalm 7:8

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

grabs the readers’ attention by using an interesting statement, a question, or an engaging statement at the beginning of the introduction. (“The definition of integrity is extremely dependent on whom you ask.

Some may consider character similar to integrity; however there is a large difference between the two

terms.”) It provides sufficient background information to readers unfamiliar with the topic and gives them something to think about right away. All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. The language of the thesis fits the effective examples very well.

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. The writer develops ideas clearly by using sufficient appropriate details for support. Supporting details develop the example well. In this case, the author

doesn’t define integrity by describing its various elements; instead he/she chooses to provide examples of integrity and uses the rest of the paragraph to explain how this is representative of the concept. This is also a valid tactic. (“Another example of integrity would be a person who goes into a grocery store and pays but receives too much change.”) The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain the paragraph’s main idea. (“If you don t return the extra change, it may go unnoticed however it may not; the cashier may come up short at the end of the day. He or she will end up paying for the mistake.”)

Organization

creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. The essay demonstrates an effective introduction. (“Anyone at anytime in any place can show integrity, whether they are faced with a catastrophe such as 9/11, or something as simple as returning change to a cashier who overpaid you, or cheating on a big test, everyone has an opportunity to show integrity.”) Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. The conclusion summarizes the main points of the essay well and gives readers something additional to think about going forward. (“Individuals that choose the easy way out and do not exhibit their integrity are not only showing a lack of character but, are also demonstrating a deficit in respect and compassion for others.”) The author also includes a quotation from the Bible. While not typical, it is not unusual in professional writing and is acceptable in this context.

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice, a clear sense of audience, and uses well-structured sentences with some variety. The language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. Some sentences are overly wordy, but overall, the author knows how to structure sentences in a compelling and informative way. (“The passengers on the flight were faced with certain death, however they chose to save thousands of people from potentially losing their lives and may have even saved the President when they

attacked the hijackers and diverted the planes projected route.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay uses good control of conventions and mechanics. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, most sentences have a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and most begin with a capital letter. Sometimes the author forgets to capitalize a sentence or use proper punctuation, but mistakes of this kind are rare. The majority of the content is clear and correct. (“everyday students make a choice whether or not to have integrity in the classroom.”)

Model Essay

Every person needs to have some integrity inside of them, and if we all had integrity, this world would be a better and more peaceful place to live in. I believe that integrity makes a good and honest person, and if more and more people had it, it would make us feel better and things the way we all want them to be. In this essay I will explain what integrity means to me, as well as the effects it has on everyday people. A person needs to have goodness in them, and with goodness everything would just get better and nothing would go wrong.

To begin, integrity can make a person gain respect for you, and can also put people in a better mood. For example, In the story The old man and the sea, Manolin shows the readers a great deal of integrity by the way he is always respecting and helping Santiago. Integrity makes a person more useful and makes us better people. This is important because integrity does not only help yourself, but even other people, it makes others happy, and can even shine some light on them to make them have more integrity. In addition, you may feel that being good and honest person makes you feel better about yourself and even raise confidence. In short, Integrity makes a person more willing to do things he or she would not normally want to do for people, which makes the person your helping happy, and able to respect you a lot more.

Secondly, Integrity will give you a better reputation and will make people around you trust you as well as think of you better. For example, If you help someone out, they will think better of you and even tell others, then you will most likely have people knowing the positives about you, and know that you can be trusted and even have you to help them. The more honest you become, the more people will trust you, and thus raising your reputation with several people. There are still a lot of people with no integrity, but maybe if they see how respected you are, they will think differently and change there ways. Although, having too much integrity is a bad thing because too much will make others think you are weak, and get pushed around easily. To sum up, you need to be a good and honest person if you ever want to be respected and trusted by others, but you still need to have some toughness in you.

Finally, being a good and honest person may seem more difficult than you think. Although, being respected may seem nice, obtaining it is long and hard task, you may be used to lying and making fun of someone, but its not too late to change. A person can start small by helping out family and friends. Integrity is much more than just being a good and honest person, it will also train you to do things that you may not have done before, and even help you understand more things. You will feel better about yourself if you know that you have helped someone or did the right thing, and that is what makes this characteristic so great. In short, you need to work hard to try and make yourself a better person, and in becoming a better person, you will make others around you better and even make you feel better about yourself.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. It develops ideas adequately by using sufficient details for support. The main ideas of the body paragraph support the thesis. (“Finally, being a good and honest person may seem more difficult than you think.”) The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. At least three details are stated about each main idea.

(“Although, being respected may seem nice, obtaining it is long and hard task, you may be used to lying and making fun of someone, but its not too late to change.”)

Organization

puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“Every person needs to have some integrity inside of them, and if we all had integrity, this world would be a better and more peaceful

place to live in.”) This statement also provides sufficient background information for readers unfamiliar with the topic. The introduction provides some basic information that sets the tone for the essay. (“A person needs to have goodness in them, and with goodness everything would just get better and nothing would go wrong.”) Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. (“Secondly, Integrity will give you a better reputation and will make people around you trust you as well as think of you better.”) The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“In short, you need to work hard to try and make yourself a better person, and in becoming a better person, you will make others around you better and even make you feel better about yourself.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. Sentence lengths are adequately varied. Word choice and sentence structure are sometimes poor or unclear, but the majority of the content is well structured. (“Integrity makes a person more willing to do things he or she would not normally want to do for people, which makes the person your helping happy, and able to respect you a lot more.”) In this case, the author should concentrate on providing only a few ideas within a sentence.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates adequate control of mechanics and conventions. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and begin with a capital letter. Sometimes the author will use the wrong spelling of a word, changing the meaning, but most of the content is clear and correct. Readers can easily infer the author’s intention. (“There are still a lot of people with no integrity, but maybe if they see how respected you are, they will think differently and change there ways.”)

Model Essay

The definition of integrity, by Webster's On-line Dictionary is adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of a moral character and honesty. For a simple understanding of what this means, you can rephrase it to, Integrity means someone who is honest and understanding, they have good morals and you can trust without question. There are many ways to tell if someone has the traits of integrity. They are anyone or everyone; they're normal people who have the traits of integrity.

The traits of integrity differ from each person. Everyone has it, just more or less than others. A good example is my friend, Kaitlin, she shows honesty and trustworthy every single day. Never does she back down from being the most understnding person I know. I trust her with everything and she has always had good morals. I know nothing bad will happen when I am with her because her traits of integrity. She has always shown these traits from the moment I met her in kindergarten.

People show different traits of integrity in certain ways. You can see it when someone shows you that they're understanding. As in, if you are crying and they come up to you and listen, make you feel better and help give you advice. It is not integrity if you are crying and someone just walks right past you, not even trying to stop to see if you are you ok. Those are two different examples of integrity, good and bad. When a teacher has an assignment that you are suppose to write down and then walks in asks if you are on topic, if you aren't that does not show good integrity. It shows good integrity if u are doing what you r suppose to be doing, it shows that you are trustworthy and honest.

In conclusion, integrity is a trait that everyone has in some shape or form. Either in a good way or a bad way. They may not use it all the time and they may not even realize they do, in fact, can be honest and understanding. Integrity is the way your personal morals show through you in your everyday activities. It is in the way you are able to be honest to sombody, do as you are suppose to and how you are able to listen, understand and help somone. Integriy shows in just about every single thing you do

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience and completes only some parts of the task. The author does attempt to provide a clear and direct definition of integrity, but the author’s tone is consistently informal. This undercuts the author’s credibility, even though the content has some substance to it. (“For a simple understanding of what this means, you can rephrase it to, Integrity means someone who is honest and

understanding, they have good morals and you can trust without question.”) The author does not provide any unnecessary or completely irrelevant information, although there may be some information that is only tangentially related to the thesis.

Content & Development

The essay demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. It lacks paragraphing and lacks some transitional devices. The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. For example, the author gives some examples of people who he or she believes has integrity but does not provide any real-world examples of that person showing integrity. (“I trust her with everything and she has always had good morals. I know nothing bad will happen when I am with her because her traits of integrity.”) Providing an example of this person acting with integrity would greatly strengthen this essay.

Organization

layman’s definition that satisfies the basic requirements of the prompt. This is somewhat effective. (“For a simple understanding of what this means, you can rephrase it to, Integrity means someone who is honest

and understanding, they have good morals and you can trust without question.”) Transitions are used but

are only moderately effective. The conclusion is brief but is also somewhat effective at providing readers with some closure. (“In conclusion, integrity is a trait that everyone has in some shape or form.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates simple language and word choice and some awareness of audience and control of voice. Sentence lengths are too short or too long. Some sentences are fragmented and need to be read

repeatedly in order to comprehend the author’s intention. (“As in, if you are crying and they come up to you and listen, make you feel better and help give you advice.”) Overall, the style is not sufficiently formal.

Mechanics & Conventions

(“Integriy shows in just about every single thing you do”)

Model Essay

we all heard word about integrity from several place. And to the integrity means is truth, complete, honesty, and undivided. Also it can be adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character and perfect condition.

To me, integrity means honesty, innocent, and complete or undivided.

I also heard integrity from some of comic books. Like in comic books, the main character said this a lot. They always say that they are honesty and they also said they are fighting for justice and it is not only in comic book and if you see cartoon in TV they say these too.

I also heard word integrity from my parent. Always they told me to be honest. Also, they told me that anyone cannot be a complete person, but they told me to try to be a complete person every time.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

shallow to achieve an adequate score at the high school level. (“And to the integrity means is truth, complete, honesty, and undivided.”) To the author’s credit, there is little irrelevant or off-topic information. All ideas contribute to the main idea.

Content & Development

The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support. There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. For example, the author defines the term but provides few examples or personal stories to help uninformed readers understand the definition better. (“To me, integrity means honesty, innocent, and complete or undivided.”) Ideas provided begin well, but they lack sufficient details that would support the definition. (“They always say that they are honesty and

they also said they are fighting for justice and it is not only in comic book and if you see cartoon in TV they say these too.”) For example, the author could include an example of a comic book character that has

integrity or a story in which the author’s parents demonstrate what it means to have integrity.

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“we all heard word about integrity from several place.”) It does provide a definition from the dictionary, which is somewhat effective, but it would be much stronger if it also included a thought- provoking question or real-world example of integrity. Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are needed. The essay does little to include a strong conclusion. There may be no conclusion at all. (“Also, they told me that anyone cannot be a complete person, but they told me to try to be a complete person every time.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience and makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. Sentence lengths are sometimes too short or too long. Transitions are needed. The essay reads somewhat repetitively, and the same words are used to begin several

sentences. Sentence structure is informal or incorrect. (“Also it can be adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character and perfect condition.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. The essay does not end each sentence with a punctuation mark or begin each sentence with a capital letter. Mechanical errors at this level may or may not interfere with the readers’ ability to understand the author’s intent, but it usually distracts from the message. (“we all heard word about integrity from several place.”)

Model Essay

To me integrity means honesty to work hard at something. my mom told me about integrity and watching movies. they always brought up integriy and it means responsibility thats why my mom told me about it and why i should really care about thing in life.

Integrity is a hard word to talk about to show it to me is to do the right thing almost everytime. you must have alot of integrity in this world to land a good job and working hard. To me thats how i think integrity to show responsibility and hard work honesty and to care about whats goes on in life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Content & Development

The writer fails to develop ideas and uses no details for support. Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. The author states that integrity is “hard work” but provides little evidence to support this argument. (“Integrity is a hard word to talk about to show it to me is to do the

right thing almost everytime”) At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. No real-world examples are provided.

Organization

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion and no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices. The essay demonstrates no evidence of a good introduction. It defines integrity, but it does not make any attempt to inform readers of the purpose of the essay or provide a creative, engaging introduction. Transitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. There is a conclusion, but it does not summarize the main points of the essay or provide the readers with much closure. (“To me thats how i think integrity to show responsibility and hard work honesty and to care about whats goes on in life.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. Sentence lengths are short, there is repetition, and transitions are needed. The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. Fragmented sentences seriously interfere with meaning. (“they always brought up integriy and it means responsibility thats why my mom told me about it and why i should really care about thing in life.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the message. The text is not indented when beginning a new paragraph, and each sentence does not begin with a capital letter. Mechanical problems like these seriously interfere with the readers’ ability to understand the author’s intent. It also undermines the author’s credibility. (“they always brought up integriy and it means responsibility thats why my mom told me about it and why i should really care about thing in life.”)

There are many professions or fields from which you can choose a career or job when you complete your education. Think about a profession or type of job that is of interest to you and how you feel it will change in the future. In what ways do you feel this profession or job area will change and why do you feel these changes will occur?

In an essay to be read by your classroom teacher, describe a particular profession or job type, explain how you feel it will change in the future, and present the reasons why.

Model Essay

In today's world teaching is considered to be one of the most important jobs, but as time progresses and the world changes so does the need for teachers. Teachers have the responsibility of mending the minds of our youth but as our world becomes more technologically advanced, the demand for people in this profession will decrease. Changes in teaching will include computerized teaching, home schooling, and smaller schools. These developments in the teaching profession will be of use in the future and because of this the job of teaching may not be as important as it is today.

In the world today, students are already becoming more computer literate. This can lead to more computerized teaching in the future. Many new programs are developing over the internet that deal with computerized teaching such as college courses on -line and other programs which help students do school work. These programs allow students to get the necessary help when a teacher is not around. One such program schools are using in their English classes is Vantage, which helps students write essays. It provides students with the necessary corrections, and tips that help improve their writing skills. The program also sends a student a grade that allows them to know if their essay is good. Another program is one where people take college courses on-line. It provides people the information needed to take the courses over the internet without ever stepping foot inside a classroom. Lectures and all required information are on the internet for the people, who take the classes, to learn all they need to finish the class. Going to school may no longer be a requirement because people can be home schooled over the internet with programs like this.

Education is always an important thing for people of all ages to have and they will no longer have to attend a school to receive one. People can get an education in the privacy of their own home by using certain educational programs over the internet. Many programs are being developed for use on the internet and in a few more years there will be more advances in internet educational programs . There will even be sites on where students learn and receive grades from a computer program. Teachers will no longer be the one's teaching the youth because students will be home schooled by computer teachers. This will lead to more people getting educated at home without a teacher. Eventually, the size of schools will change because people will want to go to school at home leading to fewer teachers in schools.

The size of schools will be smaller, meaning less teachers, due to the developments in computer based educational resources. Teachers have the responsibility of passing the knowledge of their subject to the students but with more programs over the internet dealing with computerized teaching teachers will not be as necessary. People will find different ways to get a proper education without a teacher presents or stepping foot in a school. The sizes of schools will become smaller because people will find different ways to receive all necessary knowledge. With less people attending schools there will be less of a need for so many teachers. Since the sizes of schools will get, smaller teachers will no longer be as important as they are today.Therefore, people will be able to get an education from other sources.

Teachers are an important part of the educational process but with changes such as computerized teaching, home schooling and smaller schools there will no be as important. Teachers will not be as important as they are today because computerized teaching will be of more use in the future. Computerized teaching will lead to a revolution in the career. The teaching profession will have less people applying for a career in this field because of the different educational developments will take over the job of a teacher. These developments will be of use in the future. There will not be as many teachers in the future as there is now because development in the teaching filed will take over.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this thoughtful essay, the author successfully maintains an insightful controlling idea. (“Changes in teaching will include computerized teaching, home schooling, and smaller schools. These developments in the teaching profession will be of use in the future and because of this the job of teaching may not be as important as it is today.”) Remaining focused on this controlling idea, which is expanded and further developed as the essay progresses, the student displays a thorough understanding of the purpose and the audience. The essay certainly completes all parts of the task very effectively.

Content & Development

This essay goes into an in-depth discussion of recent technological changes in education by using a wide variety of specific details and examples. In the second paragraph, the author discusses important computer software that is revolutionizing teaching. (“These programs allow students to get the necessary help when a teacher is not around. One such program schools are using in their English classes is Vantage, which helps students write essays. It provides students with the necessary corrections, and tips that help improve their writing skills.”) The third paragraph argues the point that students no longer need to leave the house to get an education. (“Teachers will no longer be the one's teaching the youth because students will be home schooled by computer teachers. This will lead to more people getting educated at home without a teacher.”) The third paragraph shares another interesting insight. (“The sizes of schools will become smaller because people will find different ways to receive all necessary knowledge. With less people attending schools there will be less of a need for so many teachers.”)

Organization

This essay is exceptionally well organized. The introductory paragraph begins with a statement that grabs the reader’s attention (“In today's world teaching is considered to be one of the most important jobs, but as time progresses and the world changes so does the need for teachers“) and ends with a focused thesis

statement. Each body paragraph begins with a topic sentence (“In the world today, students are already becoming more computer literate.”) and ends with a sentence that transitions the reader into the next

paragraph. (“Going to school may no longer be a requirement because people can be home schooled over the internet with programs like this.”) The concluding paragraph ends with important summative remarks.

(“Teachers will not be as important as they are today because computerized teaching will be of more use in the future. Computerized teaching will lead to a revolution in the career.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay is composed using very effective and stylistic language use. The author displays a defined voice in this response, especially in the introductory paragraph. (“Teachers have the responsibility of mending the minds of our youth but as our world becomes more technologically advanced, the demand for people in this profession will decrease.”) This essay also demonstrates precise word choice and varied sentence structure. (“Going to school may no longer be a requirement because people can be home schooled over the internet with programs like this.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

While not completely free of errors in spelling, punctuation, and grammar (“development in the teaching filed will take over”), this author demonstrates very effective control over the conventions of standard written English.

Model Essay

The culinary field has been around for centuries, whether it is in family homes or top of the line restaurants. Within the next 20 years, there will be multiple changes happening in the culinary field. These changes include advanced technology in the kitchen, new gourmet drive-ins, and high-tech machines that cook food with out any effort from the owner. These advances will make the culinary field more advanced and popular. Cooking and eating will be more enjoyable to everyone as a result of these advanced changes.

Technology over the past few decades has changed dramatically. There are now electric mixers, counter top grills, also known as the George Foreman Grill, and advanced microwaves to heat leftovers. The life of future homeowners will be made easier by advanced cooking utensils. Since so much has already changed in the culinary arts in 30 years, I see more and better changes happening in the next 20 years. I believe there will be technology that will help cut cooking time by at least half. There will be new stoves that will change to a exact temperature on its own according to what it is cooking. All the advanced inventions used in the kitchen will help make cooking less stressful to home owners and restaurant chefs.

The next major change in the Culinary Arts will be a new gourmet drive-through. In today's culture, the majority of people go to drive-through at least once a week. These new high-class drive-through will allow people to have gourmet meals without having to eat in a restaurant. People who enjoy entertaining but don't like to cook could use the new drive-through to their advantage. This way, the guests will enjoy a delicious meal without the homeowner having to slave away in the kitchen.

However the next big change will be the most advanced technology this generation will take on. High-tech machines will cook food with out human intervention. These machines will be able to prepare a meal within seconds from a push of a few buttons. It will make any type of food the owner desires. For example, if I want a chocolate milk shake, all I have to do is type in the words "chocolate milkshake." Within a few seconds, the milkshake will be finished. This machine will help prevent people from having to spend hours in the kitchen. It will make entertaining guests more fun and enjoyable for everyone. These futuristic machines will make cooking easier and more efficient for professional chefs. This prevents the restaurant from becoming heavily encumbered during peak hours.

Future generations will be experiencing numerous changes in the field of culinary arts. Never the less these changes that occur in the culinary arts will be for the better. Not only will it help restaurants, but the entire society. Everyone who cooks and eats food will benefit from these future changes. These advances will change the way people cook and eat.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This author establishes a clear thesis that demonstrates an understanding of the purpose of the task.

(“Within the next 20 years, there will be multiple changes happening in the culinary field. These changes include advanced technology in the kitchen, new gourmet drive-ins, and high-tech machines that cook food with out any effort from the owner.”) The author remains focused on delivering the controlling idea to the intended audience throughout the course of the essay. The author understands the assignment and successfully completes the task.

Content & Development

This essay develops ideas using specific and relevant details and examples. The first body paragraph details the changes in culinary arts over the last few decades. (“There are now electric mixers, counter top grills,

also known as the George Foreman Grill, and advanced microwaves to heat leftovers.”) The second body paragraph suggests an idea for culinary in the future. (“These new high-class drive-through will allow people to have gourmet meals without having to eat in a restaurant.”) The final body paragraph continues to make further predictions. (“High-tech machines will cook food with out human intervention. These

machines will be able to prepare a meal within seconds from a push of a few buttons.”) All of these ideas are sufficiently supported and elaborated.

Organization

This essay constructs a mostly unified organizational structure. The introductory paragraph introduces the culinary arts and then effectively establishes a thesis. Each of the body paragraphs begins with a topic

sentence, as well as a transitional device. (“The next major change in the Culinary Arts will be a new gourmet drive-through.”) The concluding paragraph summarizes this student’s main points. (“Future generations will be experiencing numerous changes in the field of culinary arts. Never the less these changes that occur in the culinary arts will be for the better.”)

Language Use & Style

In this response, the language use and style are appropriate and effective. The author demonstrates good word choice (“This prevents the restaurant from becoming heavily encumbered during peak hours”) as well as some sentence variety. (“Within the next 20 years, there will be multiple changes happening in the

culinary field.”) This essay even shows some evidence of voice, particularly when the student describes the machines of the future. (“For example, if I want a chocolate milk shake, all I have to do is type in the words "chocolate milkshake." Within a few seconds, the milkshake will be finished.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Although this response is not without errors in spelling, grammar, and punctuation (“with out” and “a exact temperature”), the mistakes do not interfere with the author’s intended message.

Model Essay

In life there is a lot of things that people can choose as a profession. Many people choose to go to college and choose and get a major out of it like for example if they want to become a doctor. Things like that people choose to do as a career. But what I want to do in life I really don't consider it as going to college and taking a long time, it's more of just a few months then years, and I would love to just take months then years and get it over with.

What I want to do in the future is become a cosmetologist. I think I would like to do something I would really enjoy everyday. And I know that I wouldn't get tried of it at all, because I'm going to be doing something that I really love. I would like to get a profession as a hairstyles or for dying hair. I would like to do that because I know I would be good at it. As in dying hair and styling it. I mean because I practice on myself and on others and I love doing that. And it would also be fun.

If I were to pick that as a profession and I actually succeed in it I would like to open up my salons all around the world if I can. And by me opening all those salons I wouldn't even have to work really I would just have people working for me. And I would just go visit or just call to see how things are going in the salon. And if I were to get a lot of money out of it I would like buy a big house just like for me and my best

friend. I think I would make a living out of being a cosmetologist. I think these changes would occur because of how well you do it. If your really good at it you might even work for a really famous person and get paid more then you would in a hair salon. But if I were to really become a cosmetologist. I would love to do what I really like I mean like right after high school I'm a go to beauty school so I can do what I really love. And I know if I were to go to beauty school it would be kind of easy because I like already know how to do these things as in dye hair also what type of material to use on a person and how to put it on them.

And I have this one cousin that finished going to beauty school and has like about 3 salons of hers and she's also teaching me how to do these things and she might let me work with her so I can learn more of the beauty stuff.

By me becoming a cosmetologist I think I would be good at it and love it. And get some good money out of it and really enjoying it. So if people were to listen to their heart and be what they really want to be. That they would make a big future out of it and they'll be doing some thing that they really like. And they'll know that they would have a good time doing it because it's something that they are doing and wouldn't quit because they are tried of it. So I think if people were to really do what they like that they would make a good future for themselves. And it also depends to on how what you are going to do and if it's like your own business you can put your own prices and get more out of it and make some pretty good money that your making.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay can best be described as an adequate completion of the task. The author establishes a controlling idea (“What I want to do in the future is become a cosmetologist.”), which is maintained throughout this essay. However, he/she does not answer all of the questions presented in the writing prompt, such as “how you feel it will change in the future.” Therefore, this student completes many, but not all, parts of the task.

Content & Development

The author uses some specific and accurate details to support his/her ideas. The first body paragraph

describes why this person would like to become a cosmetologist. (“I would like to do that because I know I would be good at it. As in dying hair and styling it.”) In the following paragraph, the student imagines what it would be like to be a professional one day (“If your really good at it you might even work for a really famous person and get paid more then you would in a hair salon.”) and how she/he can get there (“And I know if I were to go to beauty school it would be kind of easy because I like already know how to do these things as in dye hair also what type of material to use on a person and how to put it on them.”). The essay could have been improved, however, with further development of these ideas. Overall, though, the response does contain adequate content and development.

Organization

Although there are some problems in the essay’s structure, it generally demonstrates a unified organization.

The introduction introduces us to a summary of the prompt topic. The second paragraph begins by

introducing us to the author’s chosen career. However, this central idea would have been better placed in the introductory paragraph. The body paragraphs could be improved if they had better focus. For example, the third paragraph begins with an adequate topic sentence about salon ownership (“If I were to pick that as a profession and I actually succeed in it I would like to open up my salons all around the world if I can.”), but then loses focus by moving to a discussion of beauty schools.

Language Use & Style

The language use in this essay is this student’s weakness. Some sentence structures are confusing, lack coherence, or are repetitive. (“I would like to get a profession as a hairstyles or for dying hair.”) Word choice is often simple. (“But what I want to do in life I really don't consider it as going to college and taking a long time, it's more of just a few months then years, and I would love to just take months then

years and get it over with.”) This response could be significantly improved by using more sophisticated language and word choice.

Mechanics & Conventions

Although language use may be this student’s weakness, his/her control over the mechanics and conventions of standard written English is adequate. While there are some errors (“as a hairstyles or for dying hair”),

these mistakes do not interfere with the author’s intended message.

Model Essay

When I finish my education I become like to become an Register Nurse. I want to to be an RN because I like helping people. knowing that I help people fulfill my disires. I always wanted to became a nurse since I was a little girl.

I hope in the future I will. I always want to make a difference in people life and do good for them. I think I will be a great nurse knowing how much good I want to do. as of know I am volunteering in a hospital hoping to get as much information as I can.

I feel like everyone in the world is going to be sick one or more times in their lives. if I can help one of those many people I think I would be very successful in life. I think I can make a difference in this world. I know if I fallow my dreams I will active my goals. helping people with simpol stuff makes me happing, imagine if i could help people with their life, how good would i feel then. i also want to become a RN because i would be getting a good salary. money would make a difference in my life. i would be able to buy the thing i need and even spport my family. i know that nursing is going to be my futur so iam working on accomplishing my goals.

becoming an register nurse has been my dream and goal. i know if i put my mind into something i know i can do it. i am going to make a difference in peoples lifes. iam going to do my best in this job. i know that i am going to work very hard but i know i can do it. having a career is very important. so i am going to become an RN and do my best.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author of this essay attempts to establish a focused controlling idea (“When I finish my education I become like to become an Register Nurse”) and maintain it. However, since the essay does not fully

develop or maintain this thesis, the author shows little understanding of the purpose of the task. The author also does not answer all of the questions presented in the writing prompt, such as “how you feel it will

change in the future.” Therefore, this response demonstrates only limited focus and meaning.

Content & Development

Although the author does attempt to include some details to support his/her position, the ideas are insufficiently developed. The response discusses why this person would like to become a nurse and how he/she is currently trying to achieve this goal. (“I always want to make a difference in people life and do good for them. I think I will be a great nurse knowing how much good I want to do. as of know I am

volunteering in a hospital hoping to get as much information as I can. “) The third paragraph further describes the reasons for this choice. (“i also want to become a RN because i would be getting a good

salary. money would make a difference in my life. i would be able to buy the thing i need and even spport my family.”) However, these reasons are only briefly explained and they require further clarification and elaboration.

Organization

In the course of these four short paragraphs, the author constructs a limited organizational structure. There is clearly an introductory paragraph at the beginning of this essay, but it is underdeveloped and does not help structure the remainder of the response. The two body paragraphs lack topic sentences and transitional devices. There is also an obvious conclusion, but the organization remains only partial.

Language Use & Style

The author’s language is mediocre, marked by simple and occasionally confused sentences. (“knowing that I help people fulfill my disires.”) Word choice is quite limited, but not wholly inappropriate. (“I feel like everyone in the world is going to be sick one or more times in their lives. if I can help one of those many people I think I would be very successful in life.”) The essay does attempt to address an audience, although the language use is somewhat insufficient.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author demonstrates limited control of conventions and mechanics. There are several noticeable errors in spelling (“simpol”), punctuation (“so i”), and grammar. The errors somewhat interfere with the intended message.

Model Essay

I would like to be a phycologist. It would be a very interesting career to have.I would like to listen to people's problem's and try to help them. I am a very good listener, and people like to tell me things. People always seem to have problems and need some kind of assistance. I think I would be good at assisting people.being a phycologist would probably change my view on things. I would probably realize that I am not the only person with problems, and that would help me.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response suggests a controlling idea (“I would like to be a phycologist.”) but it is unclear and underdeveloped. The author does not maintain or support the idea with meaningful details. Few of the questions in the writing prompt are addressed and, therefore, this essay completes few parts of the task. This essay demonstrates only a minimal understanding of the purpose of the assignment.

Content & Development

In this brief response, ideas are incompletely and inadequately developed. The author presents a couple of reasons why he/she would like to be a psychiatrist (“I would like to listen to people's problem's and try to help them. I am a very good listener, and people like to tell me things.”), but fails to develop them by providing only a short paragraph. The content and development of this response are quite minimal.

Organization

Little evidence of a unified structure is detected in this response. There is some attempt at introducing the controlling idea in the first sentence and summarizing his/her point in the last sentence. (“I would probably realize that I am not the only person with problems, and that would help me.”) However, the single paragraph response lacks an introductory paragraph, transitional devices, and a concluding paragraph.

Language Use & Style

The essay is composed using limited word choice and simple sentence structure. (“I think I would be good at assisting people.being a phycologist would probably change my view on things”) While the intended message is mostly clear, it is difficult to discern the student’s control of language use, voice, or style in such a brief response.

Mechanics & Conventions

Several significant errors are detected in this essay. (“phycologist”, “tipe problem's” and “people.being”) Such mistakes in spelling, punctuation, and grammar question the author’s ability to control the conventions of standard written English.

Model Essay

I want to be a doctor. A doctor gets lots of money. He helps people. I want to work in a hospital. I really like kids so I want to be a pedeatrishun. I will need to go to college. it could be fun though.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Although the author makes an attempt at establishing a thesis (“I want to be a doctor.”), he/she fails to create any relevant meaning or focus. The author demonstrates no understanding of the purpose of the assignment and, therefore, completes no parts of the task.

Content & Development

This essay fails to develop support for its thesis. Even though the author suggests an idea (“A doctor gets

lots of money. He helps people.”), it is not elaborated. The student states, “I really like kids so I want to be a pedeatrishun“ but does not adequately explain why or how the doctor’s role will change in the future.

This response does not inform the reader with sufficient information.

Organization

Language Use & Style

The author’s language use is simple and inadequate. (“I want to be a doctor. A doctor gets lots of money. He helps people.”) Sentence structure and word choice are also poor and simplistic. This response demonstrates no awareness of the audience and no voice.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author shows a mediocre ability to control mechanics and conventions. Although the errors are few (“pedeatrishun”), this response is so short that the reader does not feel confident in the student’s ability to write in standard written English.

In his systematic assault on the peoples of Europe, Adolf Hitler utilized numerous systems to implement the Holocaust. Some of these systems included the wide use of propaganda, the relocation of people to Ghettos, the creation of laws to strip people of their rights, and the use of technology to increase the efficiency of the machinery of genocide.

Choose one of the systems of persecution that was used to implement the Holocaust. Using the Internet, books, or other resources, gather research about this system. Then, write a well-developed essay in which you present this information. Why do you think this system was so important in implementing the Holocaust?

Model Essay

The holocaust was perhaps one of the most horrific events in history, perfectly executed by the use of such things as laws that stripped the Jews of their general rights, the relocation of Jews to the ghettos, and the technological advances which made mass murder possible. The master mind behind the project was Adolf Hitler, a man bent on ridding the world of those he thought rodents to his superior race of Germans. Not only was he insane, his plan to exterminate the Jews failed, but that does not mean many did not die.

Millions of Jews were killed, more than anyone thought possible. So how was it done?

Propaganda, which basically means false advertising, played a major role in the downfall of the Jews. People were led to believe that Adolf was some sort of hero, one who would shelter the weak, and one who would help his people. Today, we know that this is not true, but back in the '30's when televisions were not widespread, people tended to believe what little scraps of information they could achieve. Another thing that made propaganda such a useful tool was that the "facts" the people were hearing could not be checked and double checked so that the listener would know them as facts. Adolf manipulated these advantages, which eventually led to him being trusted by the population of Germany.

At the beginning of WWII, Adolf did not appear to be a mass murdering conspirator, but that changed abruptly when the Jews were asked to be relocated to ghettos, places where they were under constant monitoring and stripped of many laws that protected them. Even though danger seemed imminent, the Jews still went about their daily lives in a state of ease, thinking that nothing in the world could harm them. Even after they were sent on trains to be moved, everything seemed fine. The biggest flaw of the Jews was not picking up on what was happening soon enough; soon enough, they would be laboring in camps, and being killed off by the thousands.

Now, laws that protected Jews were thrown out the door. As the trains arrived at concentration and death camps, Jews were forced to strip and don clothes that made them look as if they were inmates. After this, they were forced to labor endlessly. The food rations in the camps were meager at best; most of the time the soup would not have been called edible by anyone outside the camps. Because of harsh weather conditions, little to no food, and constant labor, many Jews died before they had a chance to face the fires that would swallow half their race.

Technology played a large part in the role of the holocaust. Death machines were designed, humongous incinerators that would kill slowly, causing pain and torture to the Jews. The machinery was not limited to giant ovens, though. Gas chambers played a large role in the genocide of the Jews, a role that seemed subtle and well thought out. When a person in the concentration camp would take a shower, the shower heads were sometimes disguised as gas chambers, which leaked poisonous gases that exterminated the Jews in a matter of minutes. Trickery and deceit were major tools that Adolf used to kill off his supposed enemies.

Eventually Adolf was caught, although he committed suicide. The world will never forget how he ravaged the Jews, and his careful planning which made him seem like a genius. His path to destroy the Jews eventually led to his undoing, which is ironic because him and his people were supposedly unstoppable. Genocide stills goes on today, in places like Africa. People today still use the same tactics Hitler did; subtle trickery, carefully planned deceit, and widespread propaganda. Of course we believe that we will never make that mistake twice, but only time will tell.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

systematic and complete. The language used fits the subject matter very effectively. (“The holocaust was perhaps one of the most horrific events in history, perfectly executed by the use of such things as laws that stripped the Jews of their general rights, the relocation of Jews to the ghettos, and the technological advances which made mass murder possible. The master mind behind the project was Adolf Hitler, a man bent on ridding the world of those he thought rodents to his superior race of Germans.”)

Content & Development

The essay develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details to support ideas. The essay uses multiple examples and sequentially details how the Holocaust occurred. The supporting details work well with the arguments presented and they always relate to the topic sentence of each paragraph. Statistics, examples, and other facts are used very effectively throughout the entire essay.

(“Death machines were designed, humongous incinerators that would kill slowly, causing pain and torture to the Jews. The machinery was not limited to giant ovens, though. Gas chambers played a large role in the genocide of the Jews, a role that seemed subtle and well thought out.”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, effective use of paragraphing, and effective use of transitional devices throughout. It uses a creative introduction that leads into the body paragraphs very effectively. The essay has each paragraph discussing a different element of the Holocaust. The essay provides sufficient background information to help readers connect the various ideas with the thesis statement. It uses transitional devices to connect the various ideas and demonstrates an attempt to provide a creative conclusion. The conclusion is especially effective at providing readers with something to think about. (“People today still use the same tactics Hitler did; subtle trickery, carefully planned deceit, and widespread propaganda. Of course we believe that we will never make that mistake twice, but only time will tell.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, a clear sense of audience, and uses well-structured and varied sentences. The language and tone of the essay are used very effectively, consistently, and provide a coherent style, which helps readers quickly move between ideas. (“Now, laws that protected Jews were thrown out the door. As the trains arrived at concentration and death camps, Jews were forced to strip and don clothes that made them look as if they were inmates. After this, they were forced to labor endlessly.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“As the trains arrived at concentration and death camps, Jews were forced to strip and don clothes that made them look as if they were inmates. After this, they were forced to labor endlessly. The food rations in the camps were meager at best; most of the time the soup would not have been called edible by anyone outside the camps.”)

Model Essay

The holocaust was a big influence on everyone's life, and it affected them in various ways. Hitler had many different concentration camps where he had families split up and some families stayed together.

The term concentration camp refers to a camp in which people are detained or confined, usually under harsh conditions and without regard to legal norms of arrest and imprisonment that are acceptable in a constitutional democracy. In Nazi between 1933 and 1945, concentration camps were an basic feature of the government. The first concentration camps in Germany were established soon after Hitler's appointment as chancellor in January 1933. In the weeks after the Nazis came to power, The police, and local civilian authorities organized numerous detention camps to incarcerate real and perceived political opponents of Nazi policy. After the SS gained its independence in July 1934, in the wake of the Röhm purge, Hitler authorized the Reich SS leader, Heinrich Himmler, to centralize the administration of the concentration camps and formalize them into a system. Himmler chose SS Lieutenant General Theodor Eicke for this task. Eicke had been the commandant of the SS concentration camp at Dachau since June 1933. Himmler appointed him Inspector of Concentration Camps, a new section of the SS subordinate to the SS Main Office.

Beginning a pattern that would become typical after the war began, economic considerations had an increasing impact on the selection of sites for concentration camps after 1937. For instance, Mauthausen and Flossenbürg were located near large stone quarries. Likewise, concentration camp authorities increasingly diverted prisoners from meaningless, backbreaking labor to more goal-oriented if still backbreaking and dangerous labor in extractive industries, such as stone quarries and coal mines, and construction labor.

After Nazi Germany unleashed World War II in September 1939, vast new territorial conquests and larger groups of potential prisoners inspired the rapid expansion of the concentration camp system to the east. The war did not change the original function of the concentration camps as detention sites for the incarceration of political enemies. The climate of national emergency that the conflict granted to the Nazi leaders, however, permitted the SS to expand the functions of the camps.

The concentration camps increasingly became sites where the SS authorities could kill targeted groups of real or perceived enemies of Nazi Germany. They also came to serve as holding centers for a rapidly expanding pool of forced laborers deployed on SS construction projects, SS-commissioned extractive industrial sites, and, by 1942, in the production of armaments, weapons, and related goods for the German war effort.

Despite the chronic need for forced labor, the SS authorities continued to intentionally undernourished and mistreat prisoners in the concentration camps, position them so brutally and without regard to safety at forced labor, with such rates of mortality that many prisoners believed that they were in effect being "annihilated through work."

The concentration camps caused many people to lose family members and Hitler could care less.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay uses good focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience and completes most parts of the task. Although not as creative as a 6, this essay does attempt to provide an interesting fact at the beginning to grab readers’ attention. The language fits the examples provided and the author stays focused on the topic at all times. (“The holocaust was a big influence on everyone's life, and it affected them in various ways.

Hitler had many different concentration camps where he had families split up and some families stayed together.”)

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient, appropriate details to support ideas. After introducing the topic, the writer gives a general description of the Holocaust, then provides specific examples. The details fit each example well. The body paragraphs use a variety of details to explain the main idea. The examples provided are connected to the main idea of the paragraph and the essay as a whole. Specific information about the desires of the Nazi SS are explained in notable detail. (“The concentration camps increasingly became sites where the SS authorities could kill targeted groups of real or perceived enemies of Nazi Germany. They also came to serve as holding centers for a rapidly expanding pool of forced laborers deployed on SS construction projects, SS-commissioned extractive industrial sites, and, by 1942, in the production of armaments, weapons, and related goods for the German war effort.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and consistent use of transitional devices. The essay provides adequate background information about the topic and effectively explains what the essay is about. After summarizing the Holocaust, the author provides details within each paragraph that expand upon the topic.

Transitions are used effectively. The author could use a more thorough introduction and conclusion, but the content is such that the essay does not suffer. (“Despite the chronic need for forced labor, the SS authorities continued to intentionally undernourished and mistreat prisoners in the concentration camps, position them so brutally and without regard to safety at forced labor, with such rates of mortality that many prisoners believed that they were in effect being "annihilated through work." The concentration

camps caused many people to lose family members and Hitler could care less.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice, a clear sense of audience, and uses well-structured sentences with some variety. Although not as detailed as a 6, this essay is still consistent in tone and competently walks readers through the horrors of the Holocaust. Vivid details about the functions of the concentration camps are especially dramatic. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“After Nazi Germany unleashed World War II in September 1939, vast new territorial conquests and larger groups of potential prisoners inspired the rapid expansion of the concentration camp system to the east. The war did not change the original function of the concentration camps as detention sites for the incarceration of political

enemies.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay uses good control of conventions and mechanics. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, most sentences have a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and most sentences begin with a capital letter. (“Likewise, concentration camp authorities increasingly diverted prisoners from meaningless, backbreaking labor to more goal-oriented if still backbreaking and dangerous

labor in extractive industries, such as stone quarries and coal mines, and construction labor.”)

Model Essay

Even thought the holocaust was a horrible thing it should be remembered. The Holocaust means the great destruction resulting in the extensive loss of life, especially by fire. On July 29th, 1921, Hitler was became ruler of the Nazi Army. This is we he started coming into power. The Holocaust began in mid winter of January 1933. Slowly Hitler gained power and followers. Hitler and his Nazi army came into power, using the systems of propaganda, the relocation of people to Ghettos, the creation of laws, and the use of technology.

Propaganda was a big part of the holocaust persecution of the Jews. Hitler influenced the schools and the minds of children by removing books, textbooks from schools and replacing them with books on the Jew and making them look big, fat, and ugly. Newspapers were also a big part of the Holocaust propaganda. Lots of articles or cartoon stripes were written about the Jewish religion and there people.

The relocation of people to ghettos. The first ghetto was located in Piotrkow on October 28th 1939. The ghettos were set up for the Jews whose houses were taken by the Germans. The ghettos were a place where the Jews were taken when they were being prepared to be sent on the cattail carts to the concentration camps.

They laws Hitler created for the Jews were also a big part of the Holocaust. Little laws like the law of protection of German blood and German honor. Which states that marriages between Jews and Germans are forbidden. Another Law that was created was the Reich citizenship law which stated that only that a German or kindred blood should be loyal to serve the German people.

As you can see that Hitler used many small and large different ways to attack the Jews and strip them of their rights. The Jews were an innocent people who were the scapegoat of the Nazi and their leader Hitler. There were also many other religions attacked in the same way as the Jews. Even thought the holocaust was a horrible thing it should be remembered.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea and demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience and completes many parts of the task. The thesis statement states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The content is taken seriously and there is little or no

irrelevant information. (“They laws Hitler created for the Jews were also a big part of the Holocaust. Little laws like the law of protection of German blood and German honor. Which states that marriages between Jews and Germans are forbidden.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. It develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details to support ideas. The essay provides an introduction, three points, and a conclusion, all of which are adequately detailed. The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. At least three details are stated about each main idea. The content is relevant and on topic throughout the essay. Although the content is not as in-depth as higher-level essays, it still provides a clear visual of the holocaust. (“Propaganda was a big part of the holocaust persecution of the Jews. Hitler influenced the schools and the minds of children by removing books, textbooks from schools and replacing them with books on the Jew and making them look big, fat, and ugly.”)

Organization

The essay uses adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, but there is inconsistent use of paragraphing and inconsistent use of transitional devices. The introduction clearly states the main idea of the essay. It provides an adequate overview of what will be discussed in the subsequent paragraphs and provides adequate background information about the topic. Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately.

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. Although it is only four sentences long, the essay

provides an adequate summary. (“As you can see that Hitler used many small and large different ways to attack the Jews and strip them of their rights. The Jews were an innocent people who were the scapegoat of the Nazi and their leader Hitler. There were also many other religions attacked in the same way as the Jews. Even thought the holocaust was a horrible thing it should be remembered.”)

Language Use & Style

regards to the horrors of the Holocaust. (“Propaganda was a big part of the holocaust persecution of the Jews. Hitler influenced the schools and the minds of children by removing books, textbooks from schools and replacing them with books on the Jew and making them look big, fat, and ugly.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates adequate control of mechanics and conventions. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb, many sentences end with a punctuation mark, many sentences are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and many sentences begin with a capital letter. (“The relocation of people to ghettos. The first ghetto was located in Piotrkow on October 28th 1939. The ghettos were set up for the Jews whose houses were taken by the Germans. The ghettos were a place where the Jews were taken when they were being prepared to be sent on the cattail

carts to the concentration camps.”)

Model Essay

There were many differant was to implement the holocaust. Some of the ways they did this propoganda, and relocating the people in the ghettos to camps, also they striped people of there rights. But i'm going to talk about propoganda. There are many differant forms of propaganda, in books,magizens,tv,and news.

The nazis had used propoganda to turn people against the Jews. The Jews were very disliked because of what they said. Adolf Hitler was the main reson for all of this. They used propoganda in news papers and cartoons saying that the Jews were crooks and theifs. The Nazis got what they wanted.

The Jes just shruged it off they didn't let it get to them. But when people started to hate them like there own neighbors they started to feel the pain of the propoganda. The German citizen didn't like the Jews after the news papers and cartoons started.It all went as pland for the Nazis. When the Jews went in to hidding there own neighbors wold turn them in for what they saw in the propaganda.

The war started because of these things and that is why some people dont like Jews. After the war the propoganda stoped in that catigory but it is still used to day. But we dont use it to turn us against each other. We use it for elections to turn the voters another way so they vote for you. That was my essay.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience and completes only some parts of the task. The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The author does state the purpose of the essay, but its implementation is limited by a lack of consistent focus on the various ideas presented. (“There were many differant was to implement the holocaust. Some of the ways they did this propoganda, and relocating the people in the ghettos to camps, also they striped people of there rights. But i'm going to talk about propoganda. There are many differant forms of propaganda, in books,magizens,tv,and news.”)

Content & Development

The essay demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. The arguments and ideas presented lack depth. Both the introduction and conclusion are also limited. Furthermore, the essay fails to explain the significance of the various events in a detailed way. (“The nazis had used propoganda to turn people against the Jews. The Jews were very disliked because of what they

said. Adolf Hitler was the main reson for all of this.”)

Organization

There is limited organization in this essay. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, lacks paragraphing, and lacks some transitional devices. The essay demonstrates evidence of a good introduction, body, and conclusion, but the absence of a focused topic impairs meaning. The essay does attempt to provide readers with an idea of what the essay is supposed to be about, but provides inadequate use of transitions. The essay attempts to provide readers with some

concluding remarks and teach a lesson. (“The war started because of these things and that is why some people dont like Jews. After the war the propoganda stoped in that catigory but it is still used to day. But we dont use it to turn us against each other. We use it for elections to turn the voters another way so they vote for you.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates simple language and word choice and some awareness of audience and control of voice. The lengths of the sentences are short. The essay should use more varied and appropriate transitions. The style is not formal. The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“The nazis had used propoganda to turn people against the Jews. The Jews were very disliked because of what they said. Adolf Hitler was the main reson for all of this.

They used propoganda in news papers and cartoons saying that the Jews were crooks and theifs. The Nazis got what they wanted.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. The author should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. (“The war started because of these things and that is why some people dont like Jews. After the war the propoganda stoped in that catigory but it is still used to day. But we dont use it to turn us against each other. We use it for elections to turn the voters another way so they vote for you.

That was my essay.”)

Model Essay

hitler was the master of confusing and keeing the Jews in fear.He knew just wht to do, and just what to say to keep the Jews right wee he wanted them. After he had taken all their rights as citizens he moved them into ghettos. Mst of the Jewish people thought that was okay, because they were not being killed. Little did tey know, but they were going to be killed eventually. This system was so important in impleenting the Holocaust, because no one knew how to stop it, and no one knew what exactly was hapening. This is why the creation of laws to strip people of their rights is the most successful.

They just went along with it because it was part of the law. The ones that did figure out what was going on, were to afraid to do anything about it. This is how Hitler succeed with the Holocaust. He kept the Jewish people in a state of confusion and fear so they could not revolt.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. The writer suggests a controlling idea, but demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and completes few parts of the task. The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The writing style is not appropriate for the audience. This essay and other essays at this level usually address the topic directly; however, the content lacks specifics to clarify statements.

(“This system was so important in impleenting the Holocaust, because no one knew how to stop it, and no one knew what exactly was hapening. This is why the creation of laws to strip people of their rights is the most successful.”)

Content & Development

The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support ideas. There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. The essay does not separate each main idea as topic sentence in its own body paragraph. Details are used minimally to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“They just went along with it because it was part of the law. The ones that did figure out what was going on, were to afraid to do

anything about it.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. The essay does have a conclusion, but it does little to summarize the main points of the essay. Also, it does little to leave the readers with something to think about or teach them a lesson. (“The ones that did figure out what was going on, were to afraid to do anything about it. This is how Hitler succeed with the Holocaust. He kept the Jewish people in a state of confusion and fear so they could not revolt.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience and makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. The lengths of the sentences are short, transitions are needed, and the style is not formal. (“hitler was the master of confusing and keeing the Jews in fear.He knew just wht to do, and just what to say to keep the Jews right wee he wanted them. After he had taken all their rights as citizens he moved them into ghettos.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. The essay does not end each sentence with a punctuation mark or begin each sentence with a capital letter. (“Mst of the Jewish people thought that was okay, because they were not being killed. Little did tey know, but they were going to be killed eventually. This system was so important in impleenting the Holocaust, because no one knew how to stop it, and no one knew what exactly was hapening.”)

Model Essay

It was like the holocaust aftermath. How they talk about world war 2.The jews were against the hanging but the nazi's werent so they thought that it was fair. Hitliar wanted the jews gone so the nazi's did do what hitliar wanted. There were 5,000 childern out of 6,000,000 total children and adults. The nazi's took ever advantage there was to do to the jews.If they thought of something that they could do they would go consult with nthe group leader and if he thought that it was a good ideal then he would go do it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Content & Development

The writer fails to develop ideas and uses no details to support ideas. Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. The amount of information provided is severely lacking. The essay is only vaguely on topic. (“The nazi's took ever advantage there was to do to the jews.If they thought of something that they could do they would go consult with nthe group leader and if he thought that it was a good ideal then he would go do it.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion and no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices. There is no attempt to provide an introduction or conclusion. Transitional devices are not used. There is no attempt to provide readers with a lesson or give them something to think about. Paragraphs to separate different ideas are not used. (“If they thought of something that they could do they would go consult with nthe group leader and if he thought that it was a good ideal then he would go do it.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. The lengths of the sentences are short, transitions are needed, the style is not formal, and sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“It was like the holocaust aftermath. How they talk about world war 2.The jews were against the hanging but the nazi's werent so they thought that it was fair.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

world war 2.The jews were against the hanging but the nazi's werent so they thought that it was fair. Hitliar wanted the jews gone so the nazi's did do what hitliar wanted.”)

Many students look forward to their winter break. It's a time to relax and spend time with family and friends. How would you spend your ideal winter break? Would you go on a winter getaway? Would you play with the new gadgets or gifts received during the holiday season? Would family or friends share in these fun-filled times?

In a well-developed essay, describe your ideal winter break. Be sure to include details on what would be fun or important to you during this particular time of year.

Model Essay

Can you think of anyone who does not like to be pampered? Mom and dad, I know how hard you work every day taking care of everything you do. You go to work, then come home and make dinner, help us kids with homework, and shuttle all of us to our school sports activities to name just a few. I know what would be perfect for all of us to do during the winter break for an ideal winter get-away. We should go to Smith City and stay in the condominium for the weekend all together as a family. This would allow us to get some much needed rest and relaxation while enjoying many activities that we can do as a family that would be fun and exciting. We also could eat out at fun restaurants and enjoy being together without the distraction of the telephone, neighbors, and everything else that vies for your attention at home. So a vacation in Smith City is the perfect thing to do.

One thing we can do is enjoy the many different activities that are there. For instance, we could go shopping at the outlet stores and see all of the cute things that are on sale for the holiday season. It would be fun to hear the Christmas music playing over the speakers on Main Street as we walk up and down the sidewalks. We would warm ourselves in the stores as we venture inside the stores of our choosing. Then, after we've enjoyed our shopping adventure, we could head over to the hot tub in the condo and immerse ourselves in the warm water up to our chins and enjoy the steam rising around us. Later we could enjoy a relaxing movie that night in front of the large screen television with surround sound. Another option could be skiing on one of the many local ski resorts which would include nice, warm hot chocolate while sitting in the lodge overlooking the beautiful mountain scenery. We could even spend an afternoon swimming in the underground hot spring in the nearby cave to give us something more extraordinary to do together.

At Smith City we can enjoy the relaxation of our surroundings. We would wake up in the morning at whatever time we would want to, and then get dressed at our leisure. Only after we are ready to venture out would we head down to eat our hot breakfast in the dining hall. You wouldn't have to do any cooking at all while we are in Smith City. We could grab a bite of lunch at the local sandwich shop and a fantastic dinner at one of the many places located throughout the city. Another reason you would feel more relaxed is because of the room service you could take advantage of. You wouldn't have to worry about making your bed in the morning or doing the dishes as all of that would be taken care of by room service. Every day they would leave fresh warm towels to use and delicious mints on your pillows. You could wrap yourself up in a fluffy robe while watching with the soft glow of a fireplace lighting the room and any desire for hot chocolate or other food could easily be met by a simple phone call to room service.

A third reason we should go to Smith City is to spend time together as a family. With everything that pulls each of us in different directions, such as work, school, sports and other things, the time we spend together as a family seems to be getting less and less. I want our family to be close and best friends with each other and we can't accomplish that unless we spend time together. Some people may say that spending an entire weekend together as a family would only bring arguments and be a negative experience by being confined

and so close together, but I think our family would very much benefit from it. By going to Smith City, we can enjoy doing activities together in town and have fun eating at new and exciting restaurants. We will giggle together while we are shopping together and trying on silly clothes. We will be making awesome memories of playing games in the condo late at night or watching a favorite movie together in the common room while we watch the snow lightly fall outside the window. We would make memories we would remember and enjoy for many years to come.

In conclusion, I think you should seriously consider taking all of us up to Smith City to spend our winter break. We would be able to accomplish many things by staying overnight in the condominium. We will have great fun by doing many different activities that will keep us laughing for days. We will enjoy the pampering with room service and other amenities Smith City has to offer which will surely help make us all feel more relaxed. But the most important reason, in my mind, is to think of all the great new memories we will make as a family. By doing things together, we will enjoy being around each other and appreciate each other. We will soon be divided by college, by marriage, and other events that will come along and send us in different directions, and this is a chance to spend time together before that happens. I feel we could make this winter break a weekend we all can look back on for many years to come and really feel it was one of the best weekends ever.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience. He/she effectively completes all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task. Notably, the writer leaves readers with a clear picture of the perfect winter getaway for his/her family.

The essay’s introduction focuses the readers’ attention very effectively by addressing his/her parents and suggesting an ideal winter break destination for the family. (“Can you think of anyone who does not like to be pampered? Mom and dad, I know how hard you work every day taking care of everything you do. You go to work, then come home and make dinner, help us kids with homework, and shuttle all of us to our school sports activities to name just a few. I know what would be perfect for all of us to do during the winter break for an ideal winter get-away. We should go to Smith City and stay in the condominium for the weekend all together as a family. This would allow us to get some much needed rest and relaxation while enjoying many activities that we can do as a family that would be fun and exciting. We also could eat out at fun restaurants and enjoy being together without the distraction of the telephone, neighbors, and

everything else that vies for your attention at home. So a vacation in Smith City is the perfect thing to do.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“We should go to Smith City and stay in the condominium for the weekend all together as a family. This would allow us to get some much needed rest and relaxation while enjoying many activities that we can do as a family that would be fun and exciting.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. (“One thing we can do is enjoy the many different activities that are there. For instance, we could go shopping at the outlet stores and see all of the cute things that are on sale for the holiday season. It would be fun to hear the Christmas music playing over the speakers on Main Street as we walk up and down the sidewalks. We would warm ourselves in the stores as we venture inside the stores of our choosing. Then, after we've enjoyed our shopping adventure, we could head over to the hot tub in the condo and immerse ourselves in the warm water up to our chins and enjoy the steam rising around us.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully, using a wide variety of appropriate details for support.

Relevant points explain and illustrate the variety of available activities in Smith City very effectively. (“Later we could enjoy a relaxing movie that night in front of the large screen television with surround

sound. Another option could be skiing on one of the many local ski resorts which would include nice, warm hot chocolate while sitting in the lodge overlooking the beautiful mountain scenery. We could even spend an afternoon swimming in the underground hot spring in the nearby cave to give us something more extraordinary to do together.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (“At Smith City we can enjoy the relaxation of our surroundings. We would wake up in the morning at whatever time we would want to, and then get dressed at our leisure. Only after we are ready to venture out would we head down to eat our hot breakfast in the dining hall. You wouldn't have to do any cooking at all while we are in Smith City. We could grab a bite of lunch at the local sandwich shop and a fantastic dinner at one of the many places located throughout the city. Another reason you would feel more relaxed is because of the room service you could take advantage of. You wouldn't have to worry about making your bed in the morning or doing the dishes as all of that would be taken care of by room service. Every day they would leave fresh warm towels to use and delicious mints on your pillows. You could wrap yourself up in a fluffy robe while watching with the soft glow of a fireplace lighting the room and any desire for hot chocolate or other food could easily be met by a simple phone call to room service.”)

Specific information about how the family members can grow together is developed very effectively. (“A third reason we should go to Smith City is to spend time together as a family. With everything that pulls each of us in different directions, such as work, school, sports and other things, the time we spend together as a family seems to be getting less and less. I want our family to be close and best friends with each other and we can't accomplish that unless we spend time together. Some people may say that spending an entire weekend together as a family would only bring arguments and be a negative experience by being confined and so close together, but I think our family would very much benefit from it. By going to Smith City, we can enjoy doing activities together in town and have fun eating at new and exciting restaurants. We will giggle together while we are shopping together and trying on silly clothes. We will be making awesome memories of playing games in the condo late at night or watching a favorite movie together in the common room while we watch the snow lightly fall outside the window. We would make memories we would remember and enjoy for many years to come.”)

Organization

The writer effectively captures the readers’ attention in the introduction by contrasting the routines of daily life with a relaxing vacation at the family condominium. (“Can you think of anyone who does not like to be pampered? Mom and dad, I know how hard you work every day taking care of everything you do. You go to work, then come home and make dinner, help us kids with homework, and shuttle all of us to our school sports activities to name just a few. I know what would be perfect for all of us to do during the winter break for an ideal winter get-away. We should go to Smith City and stay in the condominium for the weekend all together as a family. This would allow us to get some much needed rest and relaxation while enjoying many activities that we can do as a family that would be fun and exciting. We also could eat out at fun restaurants and enjoy being together without the distraction of the telephone, neighbors, and

everything else that vies for your attention at home. So a vacation in Smith City is the perfect thing to do.”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect ideas between paragraphs. (“A third reason we should go to Smith City is to spend time together as a family. With everything that pulls each of us in different directions, such as work, school, sports and other things, the time we spend together as a family seems to be getting less and less. I want our family to be close and best friends with each other and we can't accomplish that unless we spend time together. Some people may say that spending an entire weekend together as a family would only bring arguments and be a negative experience by being confined and so close together, but I think our family would very much benefit from it.”)

The writer includes an ending that summarizes the benefits of a family vacation and provides readers with a sense of closure. (“In conclusion, I think you should seriously consider taking all of us up to Smith City to spend our winter break. We would be able to accomplish many things by staying overnight in the condominium. We will have great fun by doing many different activities that will keep us laughing for days. We will enjoy the pampering with room service and other amenities Smith City has to offer which will surely help make us all feel more relaxed. But the most important reason, in my mind, is to think of all the great new memories we will make as a family. By doing things together, we will enjoy being around each other and appreciate each other. We will soon be divided by college, by marriage, and other events that will come along and send us in different directions, and this is a chance to spend time together before that happens. I feel we could make this winter break a weekend we all can look back on for many years to come and really feel it was one of the best weekends ever.”)

Language Use & Style

adds to the effectiveness of the writer’s response.

The writer chooses descriptive words to effectively describe the luxurious nature of a resort setting.

(“Another reason you would feel more relaxed is because of the room service you could take advantage of. You wouldn't have to worry about making your bed in the morning or doing the dishes as all of that would be taken care of by room service. Every day they would leave fresh warm towels to use and delicious mints on your pillows. You could wrap yourself up in a fluffy robe while watching with the soft glow of a fireplace lighting the room and any desire for hot chocolate or other food could easily be met by a simple phone call to room service.”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“One thing we can do is enjoy the many different activities that are there. For instance, we could go shopping at the outlet stores and see all of the cute things that are on sale for the holiday season. It would be fun to hear the Christmas music playing over the speakers on Main Street as we walk up and down the sidewalks. We would warm ourselves in the stores as we venture inside the stores of our choosing. Then, after we've enjoyed our shopping adventure, we could head over to the hot tub in the condo and immerse ourselves in the warm water up to our chins and enjoy the steam rising around us. Later we could enjoy a relaxing movie that night in front of the large screen television with surround sound. Another option could be skiing on one of the many local ski resorts which would include nice, warm hot chocolate while sitting in the lodge overlooking the beautiful mountain scenery. We could even spend an afternoon swimming in the underground hot spring in the nearby cave to give us something more extraordinary to do together.”)

The writer demonstrates use of strong voice throughout the response. (“A third reason we should go to Smith City is to spend time together as a family. With everything that pulls each of us in different directions, such as work, school, sports and other things, the time we spend together as a family seems to be getting less and less. I want our family to be close and best friends with each other and we can't accomplish that unless we spend time together. Some people may say that spending an entire weekend together as a family would only bring arguments and be a negative experience by being confined and so close together, but I think our family would very much benefit from it. By going to Smith City, we can enjoy doing activities together in town and have fun eating at new and exciting restaurants. We will giggle together while we are shopping together and trying on silly clothes. We will be making awesome memories of playing games in the condo late at night or watching a favorite movie together in the common room while we watch the snow lightly fall outside the window. We would make memories we would remember and enjoy for many years to come.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and words are spelled correctly. (“We will enjoy the pampering

with room service and other amenities Smith City has to offer which will surely help make us all feel more relaxed. But the most important reason, in my mind, is to think of all the great new memories we will make as a family. By doing things together, we will enjoy being around each other and appreciate each other. We will soon be divided by college, by marriage, and other events that will come along and send us in different directions, and this is a chance to spend time together before that happens. I feel we could make this winter break a weekend we all can look back on for many years to come and really feel it was one of the best weekends ever.”)

Model Essay

Yawn! Hm. My alarm didn't go off- why? Because it is winter break! I have been counting down the days on my calendar and it is finally here! Winter break is a much needed vacation during the school year and is a time to forget about school work and to just have a blast. The hardest decision you have to make is simply how to spend it. Should you go on a cruise to a tropical island where it is hot year-round, or take a trip to see your family in the frigid snow? Like most teenagers, I would definitely go with the cruise to paradise.

Cold weather drives me bonkers, so my ideal winter break would be spent somewhere where shivering and seeing your breath is not even in my thoughts. Therefore, my cruise would be to the Bahamas, because I love snorkeling in water as elegant as the sky and as clear as glass. When I snorkel, I will take pictures of the plentiful fish staring curiously at me and panicking if I come too close. Hopefully I will see dolphins, they are a sign of good luck, you know. And shall any harmful sharks come about, the playful dolphins will protect me (that will be the story of a lifetime to tell my friends.

The very first thing I would do when I stepped foot onto that remarkably ginormous ship is to seek my room so I can throw my luggage on the floor and change into my bathingsuit. After that, I would grab my book and sunglasses and hit the deck where I could sip a coconut smoothie and feel the sun soaking into my pores while pondering "this is the life." Of course I wouldn't do much reading; I would scope out cute boys and probably stay there for so long that I would fall asleep while relaxing in the comfortable lounge chair. My main goal would be to get the most desirable sun-kissed tan so that my picture would be perfect in the post card I would send to my family nestling next to a fire because of a terrible snowstorm.

But the sun and water would not be the only reason why I would be on cloud nine, a big portion of my happiness would be because of the huge diversity of food surrounding me. Every which way you look, there is more piles of delicious food! Who cares about the ten pounds you might gain? Your taste buds will be thanking you. Every minute crumb I look at makes my mouth drool like a puppy, and when you do finally get back home, you will be so full you'll end up shedding those ten pounds in the blink of an eye from not eating as much!

Unfortunately, there would come a time where I would have to say farewell to the amazing weather and snap back into the reality of winter-and worse yet-school. My ideal winter break would be spent on the cruise of a lifetime where I would live in a bikini while listening to tropical music. I would stay up late, and wake up even later. I wouldn't have to worry about chores or anything of that sort, someone would be making my bed for me. So goodbye winter break, I enjoyed every second of you.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay’s introduction focuses the readers’ attention on the winter break from school and the ideal way to spend it. (“Yawn! Hm. My alarm didn't go off- why? Because it is winter break! I have been counting down the days on my calendar and it is finally here! Winter break is a much needed vacation during the school year and is a time to forget about school work and to just have a blast. The hardest decision you have to make is simply how to spend it. Should you go on a cruise to a tropical island where it is hot year- round, or take a trip to see your family in the frigid snow? Like most teenagers, I would definitely go with the cruise to paradise.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very well. The writer focuses the essay on the pleasures of the cruise ship and activities in the Bahamas. (“Like most teenagers, I would definitely go with the cruise to paradise.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. (“Cold weather drives me bonkers, so my ideal winter break would be spent somewhere where shivering and seeing your breath is not even in my thoughts. Therefore, my cruise would be to the Bahamas, because I love snorkeling in water as elegant as the sky and as clear as glass. When I snorkel, I will take pictures of the plentiful fish staring curiously at me and panicking if I come too close. Hopefully I will see dolphins, they are a sign of good luck, you know. And shall any harmful sharks come about, the playful dolphins will protect me (that will be the story of a lifetime to tell my friends.”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient and appropriate details for support.

The content in the body of the paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain the main idea. (“The very first thing I would do when I stepped foot onto that remarkably ginormous ship is to seek my room so I can throw my luggage on the floor and change into my bathingsuit. After that, I would grab my book and sunglasses and hit the deck where I could sip a coconut smoothie and feel the sun soaking into my pores while pondering ‘this is the life.’ Of course I wouldn't do much reading; I would scope out cute boys and probably stay there for so long that I would fall asleep while relaxing in the comfortable lounge chair. My main goal would be to get the most desirable sun-kissed tan so that my picture would be perfect in the post card I would send to my family nestling next to a fire because of a terrible snowstorm.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea in the topic sentence. (“But the sun and water would not be the only reason why I would be on cloud nine, a big portion of my happiness would be because of the huge diversity of food surrounding me. Every which way you look, there is more piles of delicious food! Who cares about the ten pounds you might gain? Your taste buds will be thanking you. Every minute crumb I look at makes my mouth drool like a puppy, and when you do finally get back home, you will be so full you'll end up shedding those ten pounds in the blink of an eye from not eating as much!”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“Cold weather drives me bonkers, so my ideal winter break would be spent somewhere where shivering and seeing your breath is not even in my thoughts.

Therefore, my cruise would be to the Bahamas, because I love snorkeling in water as elegant as the sky and as clear as glass. When I snorkel, I will take pictures of the plentiful fish staring curiously at me and panicking if I come too close. Hopefully I will see dolphins, they are a sign of good luck, you know. And shall any harmful sharks come about, the playful dolphins will protect me (that will be the story of a lifetime to tell my friends.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates an effective introduction. (“Yawn! Hm. My alarm didn't go off- why? Because it is winter break! I have been counting down the days on my calendar and it is finally here! Winter break is a much needed vacation during the school year and is a time to forget about school work and to just have a blast. The hardest decision you have to make is simply how to spend it. Should you go on a cruise to a tropical island where it is hot year-round, or take a trip to see your family in the frigid snow? Like most teenagers, I would definitely go with the cruise to paradise.”)

Transitions between paragraphs and sentences are used well. (“The very first thing I would do when I stepped foot onto that remarkably ginormous ship is to seek my room so I can throw my luggage on the floor and change into my bathingsuit. After that, I would grab my book and sunglasses and hit the deck where I could sip a coconut smoothie and feel the sun soaking into my pores while pondering ‘this is the life.’ Of course I wouldn't do much reading; I would scope out cute boys and probably stay there for so long that I would fall asleep while relaxing in the comfortable lounge chair.”)

The essay’s conclusion provides the readers with closure, and the writer reviews the enjoyable moments of his/her fantasy winter vacation. (“Unfortunately, there would come a time where I would have to say farewell to the amazing weather and snap back into the reality of winter-and worse yet-school. My ideal winter break would be spent on the cruise of a lifetime where I would live in a bikini while listening to tropical music. I would stay up late, and wake up even later. I wouldn't have to worry about chores or anything of that sort, someone would be making my bed for me. So goodbye winter break, I enjoyed every second of you.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer employs good word choices to describe the ocean and its marine inhabitants. (“Cold weather drives me bonkers, so my ideal winter break would be spent somewhere where shivering and seeing your breath is not even in my thoughts. Therefore, my cruise would be to the Bahamas, because I love snorkeling in water as elegant as the sky and as clear as glass. When I snorkel, I will take pictures of the plentiful fish staring curiously at me and panicking if I come too close. Hopefully I will see dolphins, they are a sign of good luck, you know. And shall any harmful sharks come about, the playful dolphins will protect me (that will be the story of a lifetime to tell my friends.”)

The language and tone are consistent. (“The very first thing I would do when I stepped foot onto that remarkably ginormous ship is to seek my room so I can throw my luggage on the floor and change into my bathingsuit. After that, I would grab my book and sunglasses and hit the deck where I could sip a coconut smoothie and feel the sun soaking into my pores while pondering ‘this is the life.’ Of course I wouldn't do much reading; I would scope out cute boys and probably stay there for so long that I would fall asleep while relaxing in the comfortable lounge chair. My main goal would be to get the most desirable sun-kissed tan so that my picture would be perfect in the post card I would send to my family nestling next to a fire because of a terrible snowstorm.”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“But the sun and water would not be the only reason why I would be on cloud nine, a big portion of my happiness would be because of the huge diversity of food surrounding me. Every which way you look, there is more piles of delicious food! Who cares about the ten pounds you might gain? Your taste buds will be thanking you.

Every minute crumb I look at makes my mouth drool like a puppy, and when you do finally get back home, you will be so full you'll end up shedding those ten pounds in the blink of an eye from not eating as

much!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“I wouldn't have to worry about chores or anything of that sort, someone would be making my bed for me. So goodbye winter break, I enjoyed every second of you.”)

Model Essay

I strongly believe that all students and teaching staff would look forward to winter break. We can have free time to do what we want during this period of time. We can sleep and stay up as long as we want to and do not need to worry about getting up late for class the next day morning. It is a get away. My ideal winter break would be to get away from Florida and go up to my dad's house in Georgia. We would spend the week gathering up the family, singing Christmas songs and finally feasting! This is my idea of a nice getaway for my winter break.

To start off, I have a big family. My dad gets to rarely see me so he would call every up in Georgia to see his "precious angel. The family would come together and nobody is ever on time so around the afternoon is when everyone would start pulling up in their automobiles. It would take about a hour or so for everyone to hug and catch up on old times. A lot of laughter would be going on. Then here would come all the questions to me. How old are you now? What grade are you in? Or they would be like "you look just like your dad." I love this time because I love attention and all of it would be on me. This would be just the beginning of my winter break!

Next, a few days would pass, and then the family would all go over to my grandma's house. Behind her house is basically a farm. While people were on their way, I would play with the dogs, brush the horses, and go down to the pond and watch some fish jump. Eventually everyone would gather around the Christmas tree and think of songs to sing. We would each take turns starting a song while the rest of the family joined in. It kind of seems like church after while, which is perfectly fine. Then it is time to exchange gifts. We all have secret Santa's and each get are gift while the family guesses who the gift is for. Sometimes they hit it right on the nail but other times it starts to get boring and everyone just gives up. I always have to give the best gift because to see the look on my family members face would be exhilarating. I love making my family happy on Christmas because their all I have and I am so thankful for them.

Lastly is the big feast! Now my grandma will cook alot of food but, each family member would have to bring their own dish because once again my family is enormous. There is no possible way that we could all fit at a ten chair table. So when everyone lines up for their plate and get it then, little kids sit at tables, teenagers go eat in the bed rooms and adults would go on the porch to eat. The food is delightful so everyone goes back up for seconds and thirds. When the whole house is quiet then we know that everyone is stuffed and had a full belly. The little kids would drift off to sleep while the rest of us would play video games or sit around and talk. Believe it or not, this is my favorite time because looking around the room at my loved ones makes it the best winter break ever!

To sum it all up, my ideal winter break would be to just relax. Take a week of from Florida and go down to the country and Georgia and relax with my family. By gathering up the family, singing Christmas songs and finally feasting. This to me is going to be the best winter break I will ever have because I'm spending it with my family and that is the best gift of all.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The thesis statement presents the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view of the writer

adequately. (“My ideal winter break would be to get away from Florida and go up to my dad's house in Georgia. We would spend the week gathering up the family, singing Christmas songs and finally

feasting!”)

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The essay is devoted to informing the readers

about his/her anticipated visit with family in another state. (“To start off, I have a big family. My dad gets to rarely see me so he would call every up in Georgia to see his ‘precious angel. The family would come together and nobody is ever on time so around the afternoon is when everyone would start pulling up in their automobiles. It would take about a hour or so for everyone to hug and catch up on old times. A lot of laughter would be going on. Then here would come all the questions to me. How old are you now? What grade are you in? Or they would be like ‘you look just like your dad.’ I love this time because I love attention and all of it would be on me. This would be just the beginning of my winter break!”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“While people were on their way, I would play with the dogs, brush the horses, and go down to the pond and watch some fish jump. Eventually everyone would gather around the Christmas tree and think of songs to sing. We would each take turns starting a song while the rest of the family joined in. It kind of seems like church after while, which is perfectly fine. Then it is time to exchange gifts. We all have secret Santa's and each get are gift while the family guesses who the gift is for. Sometimes they hit it right on the nail but other times it starts to get boring and everyone just gives up. I always have to give the best gift because to see the look on my family members face would be exhilarating. I love making my family happy on Christmas because their all I have and I am so thankful for them.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support.

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Lastly is the big feast! Now my grandma will cook alot of food but, each family member would have to bring their own dish because once again my family is enormous. There is no possible way that we could all fit at a ten chair table. So when everyone lines up for their plate and get it then, little kids sit at tables, teenagers go eat in the bed rooms and adults would go on the porch to eat. The food is delightful so everyone goes back up for seconds and thirds. When the whole house is quiet then we know that everyone is stuffed and had a full belly. The little kids would drift off to sleep while the rest of us would play video games or sit around and talk. Believe it or not, this is my favorite time because looking around the room at my loved ones makes it the best winter break ever!”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. Providing more specific details would enhance the writer’s descriptions of the setting and specific family members. (“To start off, I have a big family. My dad gets to rarely see me so he would call every up in Georgia to see his ‘precious angel. The family would come together and nobody is ever on time so around the afternoon is when everyone would start pulling up in their automobiles. It would take about a hour or so for everyone to hug and catch up on old times. A lot of laughter would be going on. Then here would come all the

questions to me. How old are you now? What grade are you in? Or they would be like ‘you look just like your dad.’ I love this time because I love attention and all of it would be on me. This would be just the beginning of my winter break!”)

The writer provides anecdotal examples that are relevant. (“Next, a few days would pass, and then the family would all go over to my grandma's house. Behind her house is basically a farm. While people were on their way, I would play with the dogs, brush the horses, and go down to the pond and watch some fish jump. Eventually everyone would gather around the Christmas tree and think of songs to sing. We would each take turns starting a song while the rest of the family joined in. It kind of seems like church after while, which is perfectly fine. Then it is time to exchange gifts. We all have secret Santa's and each get are gift while the family guesses who the gift is for. Sometimes they hit it right on the nail but other times it starts to get boring and everyone just gives up. I always have to give the best gift because to see the look on my family members face would be exhilarating. I love making my family happy on Christmas because their all I have and I am so thankful for them.”)

Organization

The beginning of the essay demonstrates an adequate attempt to capture the readers’ attention by relating to everyone’s desire for a break from the regular schedule. (“I strongly believe that all students and teaching staff would look forward to winter break. We can have free time to do what we want during this period of time. We can sleep and stay up as long as we want to and do not need to worry about getting up late for class the next day morning. It is a get away. My ideal winter break would be to get away from Florida and go up to my dad's house in Georgia. We would spend the week gathering up the family, singing Christmas songs and finally feasting! This is my idea of a nice getaway for my winter break.”)

Subtle transitions are used to connect ideas throughout the essay. (“Next, a few days would pass, and then the family would all go over to my grandma's house. Behind her house is basically a farm. While people were on their way, I would play with the dogs, brush the horses, and go down to the pond and watch some fish jump. Eventually everyone would gather around the Christmas tree and think of songs to sing. We would each take turns starting a song while the rest of the family joined in. It kind of seems like church

after while, which is perfectly fine. Then it is time to exchange gifts.”)

The writer’s conclusion summarizes the main points of the response and provides the readers with a sense of closure. The readers are left thinking about how time spent with family is a gift. (“To sum it all up, my ideal winter break would be to just relax. Take a week of from Florida and go down to the country and Georgia and relax with my family. By gathering up the family, singing Christmas songs and finally feasting. This to me is going to be the best winter break I will ever have because I am spending it with my family and that is the best gift of all.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the essay. (“My dad gets to rarely see me so he would call every up in Georgia to see his ‘precious angel. The family would come together and nobody is ever on time so around the afternoon is when everyone would start pulling up in their automobiles. It would take about a hour or so for everyone to hug and catch up on old times. A lot of laughter would be going on. Then here would come all the questions to me. How old are you now? What grade are you in? Or they would be like ‘you look just like your dad.’ I love this time because I love

attention and all of it would be on me. This would be just the beginning of my winter break!”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the response. He/she provides language that adequately describes his/her feelings of excitement and contentment to the intended audience. (“Eventually everyone would gather around the Christmas tree and think of songs to sing. We would each take turns

starting a song while the rest of the family joined in. It kind of seems like church after while, which is perfectly fine. Then it is time to exchange gifts. We all have secret Santa's and each get are gift while the family guesses who the gift is for. Sometimes they hit it right on the nail but other times it starts to get boring and everyone just gives up. I always have to give the best gift because to see the look on my family members face would be exhilarating. I love making my family happy on Christmas because their all I have and I am so thankful for them.”)

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“Lastly is the big feast! Now my grandma will cook alot of food but, each family member would have to bring their own dish because once again my family is enormous. There is no possible way that we could all fit at a ten chair table. So when everyone lines up for their plate and get it then, little kids sit at tables, teenagers go eat in the bed rooms and adults would go on the porch to eat. The food is delightful so everyone goes back up for seconds and thirds. When the whole house is quiet then we know that everyone is stuffed and had a full belly.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

paragraphs are indicated with line breaks. (“It kind of seems like church after while, which is perfectly fine. Then it is time to exchange gifts. We all have secret Santa's and each get are gift while the family guesses who the gift is for.”)

Model Essay

I am so excited for this winter holiday! I can not wait. I am excited about the break from school, sleep in, hang out with friends and family. Christmas is my second favorite holiday. It is so much fun to spend time with family, listen to christmas music, and decorate your house and christmas tree. Me and my family like to get flocked trees, because they look like snow is on the tree and it feels more like christmas.

I am not a big fan of snow. It is just to cold for me. I do not like being cold so i usually just stay inside. I wish i loved snow. It looks so fun. I mean building snow men, making snow angels, and snow ball fights. These things would be so much fun if i only loved the snow. Though i have to have snow on Christmas. If there is not snow on Christmas it ruins the Christmas for me. I love when it snows on Christmas. Snow also makes the mountains look so beautiful. This Christmas break i am not sure if i am going to go out in the snow a whole lot. My sibling and cousins may make go though. One of my problems is i do not have a big winter coat and thats what i need.

I love resting during Christmas break. I mean sleeping in is one of my favorite parts. The only day i do not sleep in is on Christmas. I just cant wait to open presents and everything. This year i do not really know what i want. I have only really wanted blue and purple mascara, and a calender. I also love having my friends over and drinking hot chocolate while were watching movies. Me and my friends always do something fun over Christmas break.

Every year my grandma takes my siblings and me to the Nutcracker in Smith City. This year I am bringing one of my friends. On Christmas eve we always go to my grandma's house. We open presents there and she has santa come over for the younger kids. Than on Christmas we wake up early and open presents. This year everybody on my mom's side is coming over to our house for Christmas. I can not wait.

I love Christmas it is an awesome holiday for friends and family.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the essay. The writer establishes a limited controlling idea and demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she provides limited

descriptions and details that may not give the readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Only some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The essay reveals the controlling idea in a very limited way. (“I am excited about the break from school, sleep in, hang out with friends and family.”)

The writer’s focus is limited. He/she focuses on the Christmas holiday in the introduction, but the writer's preview of main ideas is limited at best. (“Christmas is my second favorite holiday. It is so much fun to spend time with family, listen to christmas music, and decorate your house and christmas tree. Me and my family like to get flocked trees, because they look like snow is on the tree and it feels more like

christmas.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the essay and should include more meaningful examples to illustrate the restful and memorable moments of the holiday. Including more description about the people, places, and events would help the readers picture the subject of the essay in their minds. (“I love resting during Christmas break. I mean sleeping in is one of my favorite parts. The only day i do not sleep in is on Christmas. I just cant wait to open presents and everything. This year i do not really know what i want. I have only really wanted blue and purple mascara, and a calender. I also love having my friends over and drinking hot chocolate while were watching movies. Me and my friends always do something fun over Christmas break.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The essay develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support.

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. Instead, one body paragraph focuses mainly on what the writer doesn’t like, instead of what makes the winter break exciting. (“I am not a big fan of snow. It is just to cold for me. I do not like being cold so i usually just stay inside. I wish i loved snow. It looks so fun. I mean building snow men, making snow angels, and snow ball fights. These things would be so much fun if i only loved the snow. Though i have to have snow on Christmas. If there is not snow on Christmas it ruins the Christmas for me. I love when it snows on Christmas. Snow also makes the mountains look so beautiful. This Christmas break i am not sure if i am going to go out in the snow a whole lot. My sibling and cousins may make go though. One of my problems is i do not have a big winter coat

and thats what i need.”)

The explanations and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“Every year my grandma takes my siblings and me to the Nutcracker in Smith City. This year I am bringing one of my friends. On Christmas eve we always go to my grandma's house. We open presents there and she has santa come over for the younger kids. Than on Christmas we wake up early and open presents. This year everybody on my mom's side is coming over to our house for Christmas. I can not wait.”)

The essay uses limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“I love resting during Christmas break. I mean sleeping in is one of my favorite parts. The only day i do not sleep in is on Christmas. I just cant wait to open presents and everything. This year i do not really know what i want. I have only really wanted blue and purple mascara, and a calender. I also love having my friends over and drinking hot chocolate while were watching movies. Me and my friends always do something fun over Christmas break.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a limited introduction. The writer discloses his/her anticipation of the winter break, but with irrelevant details about Christmas trees and decorating, the readers may have

misconceptions about the ideas that are about to be presented in the body of the essay. (“I am so excited for this winter holiday! I can not wait. I am excited about the break from school, sleep in, hang out with friends and family. Christmas is my second favorite holiday. It is so much fun to spend time with family, listen to christmas music, and decorate your house and christmas tree. Me and my family like to get flocked trees, because they look like snow is on the tree and it feels more like christmas.”)

Strong transitions between paragraphs and between sentences are needed to enhance the flow of the

writer’s ideas. (“Every year my grandma takes my siblings and me to the Nutcracker in Smith City. This year I am bringing one of my friends. On Christmas eve we always go to my grandma's house. We open presents there and she has santa come over for the younger kids. Than on Christmas we wake up early and open presents. This year everybody on my mom's side is coming over to our house for Christmas. I can not wait.”)

Although the conclusion of the essay provides the readers with a sense of closure, it does not summarize the main ideas nor leave readers with something to think about. (“I love Christmas it is an awesome holiday for friends and family.”)

Language Use & Style

Some sentences are short. The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the response more interesting to the intended audience. (“I am not a big fan of snow. It is just to cold for me. I do not like being cold so i usually just stay inside. I wish i loved snow. It looks so fun.”)

The writer frequently uses the word “I” to begin sentences. (“I love resting during Christmas break. I mean sleeping in is one of my favorite parts. The only day i do not sleep in is on Christmas. I just cant wait to open presents and everything. This year i do not really know what i want. I have only really wanted blue and purple mascara, and a calender. I also love having my friends over and drinking hot chocolate while

were watching movies.”)

The writer’s word choices are very basic and repetitive. They do not effectively communicate his/her ideas to the intended audience. (“Though i have to have snow on Christmas. If there is not snow on Christmas it ruins the Christmas for me. I love when it snows on Christmas. Snow also makes the mountains look so beautiful. This Christmas break i am not sure if i am going to go out in the snow a whole lot.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Christmas eve we always go to my grandma's house. We open presents there and she has santa come over for the younger kids. Than on Christmas we wake up early and open presents. This year everybody on my mom's side is coming over to our house for Christmas. I can not wait.”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

During my ideal winter break i would do a lot of things, first I would get out of school 2 weeks early .Then i would prepare myself to got to Florida .florida would be the first place that I would go in my ideal winter vaction.I would go to Orlando Florida i would go to a hotel called Florida Resorts and then I would go to Disney World.I would spend 2 weeks in Florida then i would retun to Smithville.I would spend Christmas in Smithville with all my family and friends.Then i would I would go to California for New Years.I would have alot of fun there.I wouold be there with all my Yhen When it was time to go back home it would start snowing.It would snowed so much that they had to cancel school but it never stoped so we didn't go to school until february.Then during thise days we had off of school I would do alot of thing I would like to the biggest mall in the U.S i would have a million dollars to spend on me andi would like to go there in a limo I would bring my best friends and we would have lots of fun it would be flabargasting to see how big it is.Thats how I would like to spend my winter vaction having fun with friends and family.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay only minimally includes a central/controlling idea. The writer misses the opportunity to elaborate on the specific events that would make his/her winter break enjoyable. Providing more details at every turn in a response creates a richly textured message that gives the readers a clear picture of the

writer’s travel destinations. (“During my ideal winter break i would do a lot of things, first I would get out of school 2 weeks early.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give the readers a true sense of the vacation being described. For instance, more details about the resort and amusement park are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“Then i would prepare myself to got to Florida

.florida would be the first place that I would go in my ideal winter vaction.I would go to Orlando Florida i would go to a hotel called Florida Resorts and then I would go to Disney World.”)

The writer’s details are minimally developed. (“I would spend 2 weeks in Florida then i would retun to Smithville.I would spend Christmas in Smithville with all my family and friends.Then i would I would go to California for New Years.I would have alot of fun there.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s thesis statement. (“I would spend 2 weeks in Florida then i would retun to Smithville.I would spend Christmas in Smithville with all my family and friends.Then i would I would go to California for New Years.I would have alot of fun there.I wouold be

there with all my Yhen”)

In this brief essay response, the writer includes many ideas but does not address each main idea in a

separate paragraph. (“florida would be the first place that I would go in my ideal winter vaction.I would go to Orlando Florida i would go to a hotel called Florida Resorts and then I would go to Disney World.I would spend 2 weeks in Florida then i would retun to Smithville.I would spend Christmas in Smithville with all my family and friends.Then i would I would go to California for New Years.I would have alot of fun there.I wouold be there with all my Yhen When it was time to go back home it would start snowing.It would snowed so much that they had to cancel school but it never stoped so we didn't go to school until february.Then during thise days we had off of school I would do alot of thing I would like to the biggest mall in the U.S”)

the mall. (“Then during thise days we had off of school I would do alot of thing I would like to the biggest mall in the U.S i would have a million dollars to spend on me andi would like to go there in a limo I would bring my best friends and we would have lots of fun it would be flabargasting to see how big it is.”)

Organization

Furthermore, the essay demonstrates little evidence of a strong ending.

The essay does not effectively capture the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“During my ideal winter break i would do a lot of things, first I would get out of school 2 weeks early .Then i would prepare myself to got to Florida .”)

There is little evidence of transitional devices to help connect ideas. (“Then i would I would go to California for New Years.I would have alot of fun there.I wouold be there with all my Yhen”)

The essay does little to include a strong conclusion. (“Thats how I would like to spend my winter vaction having fun with friends and family.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentences are short and, in some cases, fragmented. (“I would spend 2 weeks in Florida then i would retun to Smithville.I would spend Christmas in Smithville with all my family and friends.Then i would I would go to California for New Years.I would have alot of fun there.I wouold be there with all my Yhen”)

Exact words are missing, which can affect meaning. (“I would have alot of fun there.I wouold be there with all my Yhen”)

The writer relies on simple sentence structures and repetitive word choices. (“florida would be the first place that I would go in my ideal winter vaction.I would go to Orlando Florida i would go to a hotel called Florida Resorts and then I would go to Disney World.I would spend 2 weeks in Florida then i would retun to Smithville.I would spend Christmas in Smithville with all my family and friends.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is minimal. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, which interferes with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized essay. (“It would snowed so much that they had to cancel school but it never stoped so we didn't go to school until february.Then during thise days we had off of school I would do alot of thing I would like to the biggest mall in the U.S i would have a million dollars to spend on me andi would like to go there in a limo I would bring my best friends and we would have lots of fun it would be flabargasting to see how big it is.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

My winter break stared after school then I went home and asked if I could spend the night at my friends house and she said yes. but then she said come home for Christmas eve and Christmas day and I did but the after all that I went to my friends house again and went to the north side and went to a party with them but I went. for a little bit and took care of the baby and then I went to my friends sisters house and stayed there for two day and came back home but I did not go back to school on Monday and then me and my mom go into a fight and we started to yell and we both got mad at the both of us and that was. my winter break

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Although the writer states a central/controlling idea, he/she mistakenly focuses on the events that already occurred during his/her winter break instead of imagining the ideal winter break. (“My winter break stared after school then I went home and asked if I could spend the night at my friends house and she said yes.”)

The essay’s lack of specific details renders the writer’s message ineffective and incomplete. (“but then she said come home for Christmas eve and Christmas day and I did but the after all that I went to my friends house again and went to the north side and went to a party with them but I went.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“for a little bit and took care of the baby and then I went to my friends sisters house and stayed there for two day and came back home but I did not go back to school on Monday and then me and my mom go into a fight and we started to yell and we both got mad at the both of us and that was.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer neglects to develop ideas, using little or no details for support.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“but then she said come home for Christmas eve and Christmas day and I did but the after all that I went to my friends house again and went to the north side and went to a party with them but I went.”)

In the one-paragraph response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs. At least three main ideas should be included as evidence. (“My winter break stared after school then I went home and asked if I

could spend the night at my friends house and she said yes. but then she said come home for Christmas eve and Christmas day and I did but the after all that I went to my friends house again and went to the north

side and went to a party with them but I went. for a little bit and took care of the baby and then I went to my friends sisters house and stayed there for two day and came back home but I did not go back to school on Monday and then me and my mom go into a fight and we started to yell and we both got mad at the both of us and that was. my winter break”)

Details are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Details could include examples, facts, brief

narratives, or explanations to bring the writer’s ideas to life. (“for a little bit and took care of the baby and then I went to my friends sisters house and stayed there for two day and came back home but I did not go back to school on Monday and then me and my mom go into a fight and we started to yell and we both got mad at the both of us and that was.”)

Organization

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“My winter break stared after school then I went home and asked if I could spend the night at my friends house and she said yes.”)

Transitional devices are not used effectively to help connect ideas. (“and I did but the after all that I went to my friends house again and went to the north side and went to a party with them but I went.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“and that was. my winter break”)

Language Use & Style

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“My winter break stared after school then I went home and asked if I could spend the night at my friends house and she said yes.”)

The writer relies on repetitive word choices. (“but then she said come home for Christmas eve and Christmas day and I did but the after all that I went to my friends house again and went to the north side and went to a party with them but I went. for a little bit and took care of the baby and then I went to my friends sisters house and stayed there for two day and came back home”)

Sentences in the response are long and rambling, or they are fragments. (“for a little bit and took care of the baby and then I went to my friends sisters house and stayed there for two day and came back home but I did not go back to school on Monday and then me and my mom go into a fight and we started to yell and we both got mad at the both of us and that was. my winter break”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure that the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas. The essay is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“for a little bit and took care of the baby and then I went to my friends sisters house and stayed there for two day and came back home but I did not go back to school on Monday and then me and my mom go into a fight and we started to yell and we both got mad at the both of us and that was. my winter break”)

At a school assembly, the person you most admire is going to speak to the students in your school. You have been chosen to introduce this person to the audience. Who will that person be, and what will you say about that person? Write an essay introducing the person you choose and describing the person's best qualities.

Model Essay

I would like to present to you the person I most admire, my mother Rosy. The word best alone is not enough to describe how much she has done for me. This woman rescued me when I nearly drowned in a pool of tears. There is a saying that says: "The most valuable things are kept in the smallest bottles." Believe it or not this is very much true when in comes to my mother. She is a little woman with a big heart. I hope that you may learn from her in this short amount of time as much as I did throughout my whole entire life. Listen to her words very carefully and question yourself every time she talks about an important fact. The things she has been through are a life learning experience. Nevertheless, weather you are a child, an adult, or a teenager her life will impact you. I will give a brief introduction of the way I view this incredible woman before she speaks to you herself.

My mother was twenty years old when she gave birth to me, she is now thirty-five years old and I am fifteen years old. As a young mother she had very little experiences on how to take care of a newborn; although she messed up as a teenager by having sexual intercourse with my father she never gave up on me. People would talk about her and cursed her with harsh words and unnecessary comments about her act of failure. She cried day and night for all of that pain to go away. She had many trials and tribulation along the way, but she remained strong. Her and my father argued day and night, she was trying to understand the fact that my father was going through the same emotional problems as she was. She never had to share her intimate life with anyone before, but now she found herself crying and explaining to my father every night how she felt. Sometimes my dad couldn't face reality, therefore he would make my mom solve all the problems by herself. The early stage of my childhood was the hardest time for my mom.

Manners and education are the main focus from a parent for a child. "Pick up your clothes, don't talk back to your elders, do your homework" these were the words my mother repeated day after day. As a child I gave my mother a hard time in everything I did or said. I refused to listen to her, weather it was for my own benefit or not I never wanted to hear her telling me what to do. At church everyone knew me as "the devil's child", to my family I was a total stranger for I had no love for them what so ever. Classmates tried to be my friend only because I was the smartest kid in the classroom, but if it weren't for that I would be the loneliest child in the whole school. In Brazil I was only in an elementary school, therefore I only had one teacher for the whole day; my teacher could barely stand me. My mom was called in for a parent conference every week, my manners were horrible so the only choice they had was to call my mom in until I learned how to be a civilized child. It wasn't my parent's fault, but these two people were the only ones that could hit me or talk to me into changing my attitude.

When the time came to leave my home country, I was more then happy to leave, but later did I know that I was going to miss those people that really did care for me. My arrival in the United States had a great impact in my life, the person I would never think about talking to about personal issues was the first person I went to; my mother. This woman was to me like a cup of cold water in the hot dried desert the American culture so much different to me form the Brazilian culture that I felt like I was in another planet. The language was so hard that I cried day and night to the only person I trusted now. The people were so cruel to me, I did not feel like I had the power any longer. The biggest change a human can ever go through I experienced it. The biggest shock in my life was when I came to a conclusion that the world does not revolve around me. From that day on I started taking my parents advice into consideration.

Furthermore, although I grew out of that selfish, and self-centered world with the advices of my mother it still doesn’t stop me from learning a little bit more and more everyday. Even today as a teenager I analyze my issues and thoughts before making any decisions just like she told me to do as a little girl many years ago. I came to realize that being selfish and mean to the people around me is not the way to go. I now know that my words and actions really have an affect on people whether it’s good or bad. The way I learned to be a better person and share the world with other humans just like me was to, put myself in their shoes every time a situation arises for just a minute. Never as a child had I ever came to think of other people as I do now. I no longer say whatever comes to mind, I think that twice before saying or doing anything ever since I went through what I did when I was young. Nevertheless, a mother and a friend is all you need to overcome obstacles in life, that’s why I look up to my superwoman.

In conclusion, I’ll forever remember the best and the worst moments I had with my mother, because they were all a little bit of knowledge I gained as the days went by. The things she said to me were so helpful at the moment that t can’t help to sue the same technique I use them today. Memories, experiences, and knowledge can never be erased from ones’ mind, therefore everything I went through shall forever be with me. I just wish that a random child could switch lives with me for five years so that he or she may experience the things I did. Much love and much manners would be handed to you by this wonderful woman if you were in my shoes for a long period of time. She know the true meaning of care and respect, for she was raised that way. Nevertheless, as a normal human being she has made mistakes and will still make them for the days to come, but one thing I can assure you is that she will go out of her way to make it up. Mom, before I let you go I would like to say that you are the heart of my body and the wisdom of my soul, and compos in the jungle; I love you!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Writing in a manner that addresses the intended audience (“I would like to present to you the person I most admire, my mother Rosy”), the author establishes and maintains an insightful, and emotional, controlling

idea that fully informs the reader of the person the author most admires (“Nevertheless, as a normal human being she has made mistakes and will still make them for the days to come, but one thing I can assure you is that she will go out of her way to make it up. Mom, before I let you go I would like to say that you are the heart of my body and the wisdom of my soul, and compos in the jungle; I love you!”). Demonstrating a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience of this writing prompt, the author adeptly completes all parts of the assigned task.

Content & Development

The author provides a vast amount of detail to help the reader come to appreciate the qualities of his/her mother. From discussing his/her mother’s challenges as a young person herself (“People would talk about her and cursed her with harsh words and unnecessary comments about her act of failure. She cried day and night for all of that pain to go away. She had many trials and tribulation along the way, but she remained strong”), to showing how she comforted the author when they moved to a new country (“My arrival in the United States had a great impact in my life, the person I would never think about talking to about personal issues was the first person I went to; my mother. This woman was to me like a cup of cold water in the hot

dried desert the American culture so much different to me form the Brazilian culture that I felt like I was in another planet”), the author uses a wide variety of appropriate details to support the central theme.

Organization

In an organized, unified manner, the author has structured this essay to flow well from one idea to the next through the use of transitional words and phrases (“When the time came to leave … Furthermore”). A solid introduction (“There is a saying that says: "The most valuable things are kept in the smallest bottles." Believe it or not this is very much true when in comes to my mother”) and conclusion (“In conclusion, I’ll

forever remember the best and the worst moments I had with my mother”) bracket the four body paragraphs, each of which is tied tightly to one of the author’s key themes.

Language Use & Style

The author has a pronounced ability to use words and sentences to precisely communicate ideas to the reader. Although it must be noted, the author does display some difficulty in structuring sentences

correctly (“The biggest change a human can ever go through I experienced it” and “I now know that my words and actions really have an affect on people whether it’s good or bad” and “In conclusion, I’ll forever remember the best and the worst moments I had with my mother, because they were all a little bit of knowledge I gained as the days went by”). Otherwise, the depth of the author’s feeling towards his/her mother is expressed clearly through his/her voice, and the essay never strays from addressing the

appropriate audience (“Mom, before I let you go I would like to say that you are the heart of my body and the wisdom of my soul, and compos in the jungle; I love you!”).

Mechanics & Conventions

Other than the inclusion of several awkward sentences, the author controls the conventions and mechanics of writing well. Few errors in grammar (“She know the true meaning of care and respect”), mechanics, punctuation, or spelling interfere with the author’s message.

Model Essay

Hello fellow students, my name is Jessica, today I am proud to introduce one of the most admirable people I have ever had to opportunity to meet. This day is a very special day for our school. Today Lisa will speak on the behalf of the Save the Sea Turtles fund. She is more than just an idol in the hearts of many; she is a savior to marine life all around the world.

Lisa had always been a caring, generous person, but it was not until she became an animal rights activist that her message was heard all around the world. Her efforts to help wounded animals, and to stop the slaughtering of sea turtles in Tijuana, Mexico did not go unnoticed. Local newspapers interviewed our young hero and at the tender age of 14, Lisa became a role model for all young people who wanted to make a difference.

She soon had a large following. Many people wanted to help her with the ambitious dreams, and many were merely in awe of this young woman who cared so much for the marine life in our oceans. Magazines and Newspapers raved about her; Lisa was quickly becoming a celebrity in the activist world. Her message was heard even in China where groups of children from elementary schools would work to clean up the waterways around rural China. Lisa’s ripple effect was growing ever more.

After her sixteenth birthday, Lisa decided that a fund should be set up devoted to the Sea turtles in Tijuana, Mexico. These turtles were being illegally slaughtered by native poachers. Since authorities in Mexico did nothing to stop the slaughtering, Lisa felt in her heart that something had to be done. She gathered her followers and supporters and formed the Save the Sea Turtles fund which raised thousands of dollars and reduced the slaughtering by hundreds of turtles.

Lisa is more than just an idol, she is more than just the person I admire most; she is a savior, a giver, a loving, and caring person. Today when she speaks, hopefully many of you will be inspired by her words of wisdom. Lisa is a true role model, someone worth following.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Addressing the students in school (“Hello fellow students, my name is Jessica, today I am proud to

introduce one of the most admirable people I have ever had to opportunity to meet.”), the author does a good job of informing the audience of the person s/he most admires and why that is the case. Through this controlling idea (“She is more than just an idol in the hearts of many; she is a savior to marine life all

around the world.”), the author demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience of the writing prompt and aptly completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

In this informative essay, the author develops the controlling idea clearly. A sufficient variety of details and examples are used to support the author’s thesis. (“These turtles were being illegally slaughtered by native poachers. Since authorities in Mexico did nothing to stop the slaughtering, Lisa felt in her heart that something had to be done. She gathered her followers and supporters and formed the Save the Sea Turtles fund which raised thousands of dollars and reduced the slaughtering by hundreds of turtles.”)

Organization

This is a unified essay, illustrating a clear organizational structure. The first paragraph clearly introduces the essay and establishes a focus. Each body paragraph is focused and properly structured. However, the body of the essay could be further improved with greater use of transitions. The conclusion, on the other hand, is quite appropriate and thoughtful. (“Lisa is more than just an idol, she is more than just the person I admire most; she is a savior, a giver, a loving, and caring person.”)

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is appropriate for this writing task, demonstrating appropriate word choice and using well-structured sentences with some variety. (“Local newspapers interviewed our young hero and at the tender age of 14, Lisa became a role model for all young people who wanted to make a difference”) With an upbeat, controlled voice, the author never loses his/her focus from the intended audience (“Today when she speaks, hopefully many of you will be inspired by her words of wisdom. Lisa is a true role model, someone worth following”).

Mechanics & Conventions

The author’s control of the conventions and mechanics of writing is good. Few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling find their way into the essay.

Model Essay

The person that im going to introduce to you in just a second, is an admirable person that you could think of. His name is Victer, my father. He is really intelligent because he went to a University in Mexico, he studied to become a dentist. He had one more year to go but had some family problems and was unable to finish. Personally I think that it is a shame, he could of had become a really good dentist. Today he not a dentist but he sure is a hard working man. He works day and night to support his family, he has his own Welding Shop.

He never studied to become a welder but became really good at it. My father has never giving up on anything he has always kept trying. My father has gotten really far because of it. Sometimes I get mad at him because he thinks he knows everything, but the truth is he does know everything. Victer is the person

that I most admire. Once you meet him and get to know him, hr will be a person that you will admire just like me.

Its unbelievable how he knows little of everything, if you got a question about anything he will know the answer to it. That helps me so much with school because if I don't understand something from my homework he helps me. My father is the person that I look up to the most, and I would like to be like him one day. The only difference would be that I will finish the university and have a good career. With out a doubt Victer is one of the few people that has the privilege of been really smart with out having to go to the university. My dad is so intelligent that undeniably that he would still be a really good dentist even though he didn't finish his career.

Here I present to you a very special person in my life, Victer my father.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

From the inception of this essay, the author clearly communicates a controlling idea to the appropriate audience (“The person that im going to introduce to you in just a second, is an admirable person that you could think of. His name is Victer, my father”). What could be improved, however, is the quality of the support that the author presents to support this idea. Still, with a basic understanding of the purpose and audience of this prompt, the author adequately completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

The author attempts to support the controlling idea in this essay, but shows some difficulty with the task. Some details are supplied to help the reader understand why the author’s father is to be admired (“My father has never giving up on anything he has always kept trying. My father has gotten really far because of it. Sometimes I get mad at him because he thinks he knows everything, but the truth is he does know

everything”).

Organization

Introductory and concluding remarks (“The person that im going to introduce to you in just a second, is an admirable person that you could think of. His name is Victer, my father … Here I present to you a very special person in my life, Victer my father”) open and close this essay, but the body shows some signs of disorganization. Within the body, many of the supporting ideas appear to show up in more than one

paragraph (“he would still be a really good dentist even though he didn't finish his career” and “he thinks he knows everything”), thereby detracting from the author’s focus.

Language Use & Style

The author’s level of language remains appropriate for this writing task, but there is some evidence that the author has difficulty crafting sentences without making mistakes in structure (“Its unbelievable how he knows little of everything, if you got a question about anything he will know the answer to it”). Still, the author never falters from addressing the intended audience (Here I present to you a very special person in my life, Victer my father”).

Mechanics & Conventions

While generally adequate for the task, the author’s skill with the conventions and mechanics of writing still allows for the inclusion of some noticeable errors in grammar (“My dad is so intelligent that undeniably

that he would still be a really good dentist even though he didn't finish his career”), mechanics, punctuation (“Personally I think that it is a shame, he could of had become a really good dentist” and “Its unbelievable how he knows little of everything, if you got a question about anything he will know the answer to it”), and spelling.

Model Essay

Some people have searched for someone to look up to. Either Movies, comics, and TV shows. I was lucky enough to live with my idol. She is kind hearted, determined and passionate and that’s why I admire her. This person is my sister, Yolinda Control.

My sister has shown all of her qualities, such as her determination, kind heatedness, and her strong passions, though her actions. For example, she showed her determination by never giving up until she succeeds in what ever she is doing. As for her kind heart she shows this be helping anyone who needed it. When my sister is passionate about something, she gives it her all. These actions prove her worthiness of being an idol.

A person with these types of qualities should not go unrecognized. That’s why we are here today to acknowledge and honor her for the people she has inspired and guided. Ladies and gentlemen I present to you Yolanda Corral.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author establishes and maintains a controlling idea that responds adequately to the assigned task and audience (“I was lucky enough to live with my idol. She is kind hearted, determined and passionate and that’s why I admire her. This person is my sister, Yolanda Corral”). Where this essay is lacking is in the

amount of information that the author supplies for the reader. Thus, this essay only partially completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

In the single body paragraph developed, the author supplies all of the details available to inform the reader of the admirable qualities of the sister (“My sister has shown all of her qualities, such as her determination, kind heatedness, and her strong passions, though her actions”). While these reasons are compelling, they are too briefly and inconsistently developed and ultimately communicate little to the reader.

Organization

In organizing this essay, the author uses a brief introduction and conclusion to offset the single body paragraph. While not elaborate or exciting, each paragraph performs its necessary function adequately. In such a short response, there is little room for transitional devices to guide the reader through multiple paragraphs.

Language Use & Style

The author’s language use is essentially adequate for the assigned task and audience, which the author

addresses appropriately towards the end of the essay (“A person with these types of qualities should not go unrecognized. That’s why we are here today to acknowledge and honor her for the people she has inspired and guided”). Words and sentences are used appropriately; indeed, this essay could be much improved if the author simply wrote more.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author maintains relatively good control of the conventions and mechanics of writing in this response. Few significant errors in grammar (“Either Movies, comics, and TV shows”), mechanics, punctuation, or spelling interfere with the communication of the message.

Model Essay

ib admire dave chapelle because he is a comedien that has influenced me the most. i have baqlways wanted tomeet him because he is really funny. i am a big fan of his and i watch his swhow the chapelle show religiosly. dave has been doing stand up for sometime including his HBO special Killing them softly. in killing them softly his humor is directed towards the difference in lives and actions of whites and blacks, men and women, and blacks and police. one of his funnyest and most recently known rountines would be a skit done on the chapelle show. this skit involved charlie murphys encounter with superstar rick james when he created the one liner " i'm Rick James b ", an excuse for the superstars outragous behaivor.

it is this trait that he is able to stand up and perform infront of people that i admire him because i have stage fright and i wish i could do this.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this response, the author describes the person s/he most admires, but does not do so in the form of an introduction, as required in the prompt (“ib admire dave chapelle because he is a comedien that has

influenced me the most”). With a weak controlling idea, and minimal understanding of the purpose and audience of this prompt, it is no wonder that the author largely fails to complete the assigned task.

Content & Development

The author states only a single reason for admiring the person put forth in this essay (“it is this trait that he is able to stand up and perform infront of people that i admire him because i have stage fright and i wish i could do this”). As it is, even this single reason strikes the reader as shallow and unconvincing. With so few details, this essay fails to inform the reader and emerges as incomplete and inadequate.

Organization

There is little evidence of a cohesive, unified structure in this essay that enhances its readability. Opening and closing remarks have been provided, although they are brief. Within the body of the essay, the author remains focused on the controlling idea, but does not use transitional devices to improve the flow of the essay.

Language Use & Style

The author’s poor use of language seriously detracts from the informative value of this essay. Note that some profanity had to be edited out. A lack of precision, coupled with major errors in word choice and

sentence structure (“i am a big fan of his and i watch his swhow the chapelle show religiosly. dave has been doing stand up for sometime including his HBO special Killing them softly”), makes understanding this essay challenging for the reader.

Mechanics & Conventions

Serious errors in grammar (“it is this trait that he is able to stand up and perform infront of people that i

admire him because i have stage fright and i wish i could do this”), mechanics, punctuation, and especially spelling (“i watch his swhow the chapelle show religiosly”) underscore the author’s lack of control of the conventions and mechanics of writing and substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

Model Essay

The person I most admire is my mom .I admire my mom because she is a hard working woman. She has also worked hard to take care of my sister ,my granpa,grandma and I.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Although the author makes an attempt at establishing a thesis (“The person I most admire is my mom”), he/she fails to create any relevant meaning or focus because the controlling idea is not maintained. The author demonstrates no understanding of the purpose of the assignment and, therefore, completes no parts of the task.

Content & Development

In such a short response, there is no adequate support for the author’s thesis. Even though the author suggests an idea (“I admire my mom because she is a hard working woman. She has also worked hard to take care of my sister ,my granpa,grandma and I.”), it is not elaborated or adequately explained. This response does not inform the reader with sufficient information.

Organization

It is difficult to discern an organizational structure in a three-line response. At best, the response resembles an attempt at writing a paragraph rather than an essay. It lacks an introduction and conclusion, proper paragraphing, and transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

In such a short response, it is difficult to properly assess the language use and style. Although the author’s sentences and words are simple, they do not appear to be wholly inadequate. (“The person I most admire is my mom .I admire my mom because she is a hard working woman.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

In the space of two lines, it is difficult to understand whether or not this student has an ability to control the mechanics and conventions of standard written English. However, it seems as though this student does not make too many errors in grammar, punctuation, and spelling.

The five senses are an important part of our daily existence, but many people take them for granted. Many Americans live without one or more of these senses: sight, smell, taste, touch, or hearing. If you had to live without one of these senses, which one would you choose?

Write a multi-paragraph essay describing how you would cope with living without an important sense. Be sure to use details and examples to support your response.

Model Essay

The five senses are the key essential to living. How are you supposed to see the sun if you are blind, smell or taste your mom's homemade rich chocolate cake if your nose doesn't work, taste if you have no taste buds in your mouth, hear a car beeping at you as you cross a street if you are deaf, or touch a soft cat if you have no ability to feel? Many people take these five senses for granted not realizing what it could possibly be like if you didn't have one of those abilities. Personally, if I didn't have one of these five senses, I would go downright crazy. At any day there could be a chance that you leave your house and get hurt in a car accident. It could affect your hearing so that you could never hear anything again. Anything could happen at anytime, and many people today cope with the loss of one of their five senses, but sometimes they are born with the ability to not hear or to not see.

I have all five of my senses, but if I ever had to choose to give one up, I would probably choose the ability to smell. The reasons being for one, I can't smell now as it is because my allergies make my nose all stuffy and unable to breathe or smell out of my nose. Maybe at first, with loosing my sense of smell completely would devastate me, but it would probably be less of an impact if say, I woke up one day unable to hear anything. Of course that probably isn't medically true, but I couldn't imagine not having any of my other senses.

I couldn't picture a life without seeing the sun of my face in the morning, or even seeing my own scary mask in the morning. If I were blind, I would need a cane or a wheelchair to help me walk and get around. I think it would be too difficult to go to public school, how would you see what the teacher is writing on the board, or take a test. My mom would probably have to pay extra money for me to be home schooled, or attend a special private school. We'd probably have to move into a larger house so I could get around, and I'd probably need special attention. Honestly, I don't want that kind of attention, and I don't want to have people waiting on me every second. I need my privacy and independence, so I love my sight, even if I do need glasses, it's better then being blind.

I think life would also be extremely difficult without the ability to hear what is going on around you. Maybe it would not be as difficult as being blind, but you'd probably need special help and attention. Could you imagine being home alone, and not hearing the fire alarms screeching in your basement because your house is on fire? Or walking across a busy street, and almost being hit because you can't hear the cars beeping fiercely at you to move? You'd have to be watched on a daily basis to make sure you don't get hurt, and there's no privacy or independence in that either.

I enjoy food. I enjoy the way it tastes and the way it looks, but I don’t how fat it makes you. I'd rather be fat and have my sense of taste, then be skinny and not be able to taste anything. I love to indulge in chocolates, and sweets, granted it's not the healthiest lifestyle, but I couldn't imagine not being able to taste and enjoy food. Without the sense of taste, I would have much less incentive to eat. That can also affect your mood as well.

As for losing my sense of touch, that would be pretty weird. Imagine touching a scorching hot stove, not being able to realize you did it, and then having to have your hand amputated because you burned it so badly. Or your mother coming home with a brand new puppy, you can hear it yelping, you can see its smooth brownish coat, but you can't feel its fur rub up against your hand, or feel its smooth slimy tongue lick your fingers after you ate a slice of pizza. I think loosing this sense would just be weird, and maybe even awkward.

That's probably why I would choose to loose my sense of smell. Granted there are negative affects, like not being able to smell your mom's homemade pie, but you can still eat it and indulge the rich chocolate taste oozing down your throat, you can see it, causing you to want to eat it more, and you can touch it, and once you have it on your fingers, you can feel your puppy wanting to lick it all off. There will always be negatives and positives to not having one of the five senses, but life is all about negatives and positives.

You have a new job that pays a lot, full health benefits, life insurance, it’s wonderful, but you have to drive an hour to get there, meaning you have to spend more on gas for your car, and you have to wake up earlier then you did with your old job.

I think honestly, there is no way to "cope" with loosing my sense of smell. I'd probably get used to it eventually, and things wouldn't be that different since I can't smell now to begin with. That is why I would choose to loose my sense of smell, simply because I can't imagine living without any of the other four, and because it won’t be as dramatic as if I lost any of the other senses.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

(“How are you supposed to see the sun in the summer if you are blind, smell or taste your mom's homemade rich chocolate cake if your nose doesn't work, taste if you have no taste buds in your mouth, even hear a car beeping at you as you cross a street if your deaf, or touch a soft cat if you have no ability to feel anything?”) All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively, and there is little, if any, irrelevant information. The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. Almost all of the language is appropriate for a high school audience, but there may

occasionally be some lapses. (“Personally, if I didn't have one of these five senses, I would go downright crazy.”) The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with details.

Content & Development

The essay develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details to support ideas. The essay specifically addresses each sense, arguing both the positives and the negatives associated with losing that sense. Relevant points explain and illustrate very effectively. (“Could you imagine being home alone, and not hearing the fire alarms screeching in your basement because your house is on fire?”) Supporting details develop the examples well. (“I love to indulge in chocolates, and sweets, granted it's not the healthiest lifestyle, but I couldn't imagine not being able to taste and enjoy food.”) By the time readers

are finished with the essay, they fully understand both the positives and the negatives associated with losing each sense.

Organization

nose doesn't work, taste if you have no taste buds in your mouth, hear a car beeping at you as you cross a street if you are deaf, or touch a soft cat if you have no ability to feel?”) The introduction and thesis are very effective at communicating the importance of all the senses, while the author also makes a statement about which sense is least useful. Each paragraph is devoted to discussing one of the senses and why they are important. Transitions are used somewhat effectively to move between ideas, although more subtle transitions would be preferable. Finally, the author provides some closing comments that give the readers

something new to consider. (“I think honestly, there is no way to ‘cope’ with loosing my sense of smell. I'd probably get used to it eventually, and things wouldn't be that different since I can't smell now to begin

with.”)

Language Use & Style

author’s position is correct. (“At any day there could be a chance that you leave your house and get hurt in a car accident. It could affect your hearing so that you could never hear anything again.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay uses very effective control of conventions and mechanics. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence is indented when beginning a new paragraph, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“Without the sense of taste, I would have much less incentive to eat. That can also affect your mood as well.”) Essays at this level rarely have any errors in mechanics or conventions. Errors that are present do not impair meaning.

Model Essay

To live without your senses, wouldn't be living at all. They affect the things we enjoy every day. Senses mean more to you than you could imagine. Nowadays people take them for granted, not knowing there are some out there who don't have the ability to hear, smell, taste, see, or touch. If I were to choose something to be without I would choose my ability to hear. Some think that hearing is one of the more important senses mostly because it gives us the chance to communicate more clearly and smoothly. Our society has created an advanced sign language for people with this disability, trying to make it easier for them to communicate with the rest of the world. The only problem is that not a high percentage of our population is familiar with ASL, or American Sign Language.

Coping without your sense of hearing would be rather difficult. Even trying to do everyday tasks such as talking on the phone and listening to music, would no longer exist to you. I would hae to learn to communicate with others in other methods besides speech, since you would obviously no longer have the benefit of hearing. You wouldn't be able to go to concerts, or anything to do with sound or music, which for me would be impossible. I know personally that I would have a hard time without hearing, because even now I can't last a day without listening to something.

Although coping would be hard, there would be a few things to cheer you up. I know I would enjoy being able to sleep in loud places, or easily being able to concentrate on work I needed to do, even if people are screaming in my ear. things like this would probably not be the least bit important to people who have experienced being deaf. Without hearing, they realize how lucky the rest of the world really is. It's easy to say when you have all your senses, since most of us take them for granted. People have gone insane from

loss of hearing, and I can definitely see why. If you take the time to think about it, living without hearing would definitely dull your life down, and you would never get to experience as much as you would if you were to have all your senses fully functional, like most other people in the world.

Some deaf people can't even do the most basic of activities. Watching television probably wouldn't be too exciting, because most of the shows are expressed verbally or with music. Speaking to someone on the telephone would be impossible because you can't see anything through a phone. You could speak to the other person, but you would never know what they were saying back. The other issue deaf people have to suffer is their speech. When you can't hear yourself talk, you don't always know what you exactly sound like, making it hard to even speak clearly enough for people to hear you right.

In the long run, it would be difficult to live without any of your five senses. Loss of hearing however would be one of the more difficult to cope with. Without it you can't complete basic everyday tasks or live like the rest of the world. Deaf people surely feel like outcasts compared to the rest of the population for obvious reasons. No one should have to live like that, but sadly, some of our people do have to deal with situations like this.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

grabs the readers’ attention by using an interesting statement, a question, and an engaging statement at the beginning of the introduction. (“To live without your senses, wouldn't be living at all. They affect the

things we enjoy every day. Senses mean more to you than you could imagine.”) All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. Essays at this level do not have irrelevant information, although they do occasionally have information that is only tangentially related to the topic. The language of the thesis fits the effective examples very well.

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient

appropriate details to support ideas. Supporting details develop the example well. (“If you take the time to think about it, living without hearing would definitely dull your life down, and you would never get to experience as much as you would if you were to have all your senses fully functional, like most other

people in the world.”) The content in the body paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain each

paragraph’s main idea. (“Speaking to someone on the telephone would be impossible because you can't see anything through a phone.”) Although the essay may or may not address each sense individually, there are many supporting arguments that help augment the thesis.

Organization

creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“Nowadays people take them for granted, not knowing there are some out there who don't have the ability to hear, smell, taste, see, or touch.”) The thesis is clear and

concise. (“If I were to choose something to be without I would choose my ability to hear.”) Transitions are used effectively throughout the essay. (“In the long run, it would be difficult to live without any of your five senses. Loss of hearing however would be one of the more difficult to cope with.”) Finally, the essay concludes by giving readers something additional to think about. In this case, the author urges readers not

to take their senses for granted. (“No one should have to live like that, but sadly, some of our people do have to deal with situations like this.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. The writer also uses well-structured sentences with some variety. The language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. Essays at this level use language that is sufficiently formal for the audience. It also uses language to help augment the arguments by making an emotional appeal to readers. (“When you can't hear yourself talk, you don't always know what you exactly sound like, making it hard to even speak clearly enough for people to hear you right.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

errors that are present rarely, if ever, impede meaning. (“things like this would probably not be the least bit important to people who have experienced being deaf.”)

Model Essay

An average person has five senses, smell, feel, hear, taste and sight, of all the senses the one I value the least is smell. As wonderful as it is to smell beautiful flowers and fresh baked apple pie, it does not seem as important to me as the other four senses. Without sight, hearing, feeling, and taste it would be a lot harder to go throughout my day.

To me the most important sense of all five is sight. Without sight I would feel as if I was lost and confused. I am not good at visualizing things and without sight I would have to visualize things and imagine what they look like instead of seeing them. I would have trouble getting around and I have a bad sense of direction. One advantage would be that I would have better hearing.

Without being able to hear things would make many boundaries and cause many problems. I would have to learn to use sign language and read lips. I would also not be able to hear music, conversations, and any warnings. For example, if I was in my house and the fire alarm went off, I would not hear it and I could be in great jeopardy.

Feeling would be the second sense I would wish never to lose. I have heard stories of children who hurt themselves when they are amateur because they can't feel things and they don't know it's not safe.

I would not want to loose my sense of taste. This would limit me to the wonderful gift of food. I would still be able to eat food but never experience the different flavors and different kinds of food. This could be an advantge in that I would always eat healthy and never have a craving for unhealthy foods. I could constantly drink water and milk and never get sick of it.

Lastly, I would choose the sense of smell to loose of all the senses. When I am sick and have a stuffy nose, I rarely can smell things. Usually I forget about it and it doesn't affect my schedule. Also among all wonderful smelling things, there are many appalling smelling things that I would not miss smelling.

I would never wish to loose one of my five senses that are valued highly in my life, but sometimes people are unfortunate and have to live without them. I would sacrifice smelling fresh cut flowers and warm baked apple pie to still have the advantages of sight, feeling, hearing and tasting.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea, demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes many parts of the task. The thesis states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. (“As wonderful as it is to smell beautiful flowers and fresh baked apple pie, it does not seem as important to me as the other four senses.”) The writer understands the intended audience adequately and uses little, if any, informal language. Essays at this level rarely have information that is completely off topic, although it may contain information that is only tangentially related to the thesis. Other times, the content is not fully explained and can leave readers feeling confused. (“I could constantly drink water and milk and never get sick of it.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. It develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details to support ideas. The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. While the details provided are brief, they do provide some insight to the problems a newly disabled person might face. (“Without sight I would feel as if I was lost and confused. I am not good at visualizing things and without sight I would have to visualize things and imagine what they look like instead of seeing them.”) The main ideas of the body paragraph support the thesis by addressing each sense individually. Most of the content is sufficiently detailed, but the author does have a problem with brevity; one paragraph is only two sentences long. (“Feeling would be the second sense I would wish never to lose. I have heard stories of children who hurt

themselves when they are amateur because they can't feel things and they don't know it's not safe.”) The author should concentrate on providing more personal experiences if they are having trouble thinking of things to write about. Ideally, the writing should include four to five supporting details in a paragraph to explain and illustrate each main idea.

Organization

The essay uses adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, but there is inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. The introduction is brief and provides little background information about the topic. Also, the introduction only addresses some of the other senses that the author had to choose from. (“As wonderful as it is to smell beautiful flowers and fresh baked apple pie, it does not seem as important to me as the other four senses.

Without sight, hearing, feeling, and taste it would be a lot harder to go throughout my day.”) The introduction does clearly state the thesis, but more content would have helped to better support the thesis. The essay uses some transitions, but could use more. Finally, the conclusion is brief but adequate at providing a summary of the essay’s content. (“I would sacrifice smelling fresh cut flowers and warm

baked apple pie to still have the advantages of sight, feeling, hearing and tasting.”)

Language Use & Style

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates adequate control of mechanics and conventions. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb, many sentences end with a punctuation mark, many sentences are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and many sentences begin with a capital letter. Essays at this level may have a few errors in mechanics and conventions, but

they rarely impede meaning. (“This could be an advantge in that I would always eat healthy and never have a craving for unhealthy foods.”)

Model Essay

If I had to live without one of the five senses it would be probaby be smell. I think that it wouldn't be that hard if i couldn't smell. I would just appreciate all of the other senses I have instead of dwelling on the one i don't have. There are worst things that can happen that not being able to smell. If you couldn't see then you wouldn't be able to look at yourself or do your hair or see your friends, If you couldn't taste you wouldn't be able to appreciate good food that is made for you. And last if you couldn't hear you wanted be able to hear people's voices or know what they are talking about unless they knew sylanguage which most people don't.

If i had to live without smell I wouldn't be able to smell if perfume or food smelt good but i could always ask a friend or family memeber. And if i was upset because there was something i really wished i could smell, I would just have to say there is nothing i can do and get over it. That stinks. I think there is alot more to worry about in life that not being able to smell, I'd worry more about being active and doing sports and getting a good education which would benefit for me in the future than smelling.

There are ways that not being able to smell could also be good. If someone in school smells really bad and everyone is complaining I wouldn't have to worry about it becuase i couldn't smell it. Also if there was a nasty smell outside from suwage plant or a stench from a car then it would work out for the better. Also if someone was smoking around me and everyone around me is coughing. I wouldn't have to worry about it because I have no sense in my nose.I could live without smelling its kind of like having a cold when you can't smell except this is permaent, it doesn't bother me that much. I don't think that not having the sense of smell would really effect my life all that much. I chose this sense to live without because it's the easiest to cope without.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea, but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience and completes only some parts of the task. The author does take a stand on the issue, but could use more focus early on in the essay instead of attempting to counter all of the other choices in the beginning of the response. Countering the alternatives should come later in the essay, but the author confuses readers by jumping between too many ideas in the introduction. (“I would just appreciate all of the other senses I have instead of dwelling on the one i don't have. There are worst

things that can happen that not being able to smell.”) The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. Finally, the writing style is not always appropriate for the audience. (“If someone in school smells really bad and everyone is complaining I wouldn't have to worry about it becuase i couldn't smell it.”)

Content & Development

The essay demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. It lacks paragraphing and lacks some transitional devices. There is a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“I think there is alot more to worry about in life that not being able to smell, I'd worry more about being active and doing sports and getting a good education which would benefit for me in the future”) If the author is having difficulty developing enough content for a full-length essay, he/she should consider devoting one paragraph per sense and discussing it all the way through.

Organization

There is a good attempt to provide readers with a lot of background information, but the result is

unorganized. (“If you couldn't see then you wouldn't be able to look at yourself or do your hair or see your friends, If you couldn't taste you wouldn't be able to appreciate good food that is made for you. And last if you couldn't hear you wanted be able to hear people's voices or know what they are talking about unless

they knew sylanguage which most people don't.”) There are no transitions. Finally, the conclusion does attempt to sum up some of the ideas presented and provide closure for the essay, but it does not attempt to give readers something additional to think about. (“I could live without smelling its kind of like having a cold when you can't smell except this is permaent, it doesn't bother me that much. I don't think that not having the sense of smell would really effect my life all that much. I chose this sense to live without

because it's the easiest to cope without.”) Ideally, the author should devote several paragraphs to discussing the various senses instead of one large body paragraph.

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates simple language and word choice and some awareness of audience and control of voice. The lengths of the sentences are either too short or two long and their structure is often confusing. (“And if i was upset because there was something i really wished i could smell, I would just have to say

there is nothing i can do and get over it. That stinks.”) The style is informal and repetitive. (“I think there is alot more to worry about in life that not being able to smell, I'd worry more about being active and doing sports and getting a good education which would benefit for me in the future than smelling.”) Essays at this level have enough problems with language and style to impede meaning on occasion, but most of the content is still coherent. Readers can still usually infer meaning from the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

sylanguage which most people don't.”) Essays at this level have enough errors to distract readers’ attention, and they may even impede meaning. Most of the spelling errors, however, are still phonetically correct enough to allow readers to infer meaning.

Model Essay

Of all my senses I think I would want to live without touch cause touch is useless compared to what else like hearing. I think when compared to the other senses touch is the least imprtant. Many American are born without being able to use some of their senses but I don't think I would be able to do it.

The reason I feel that touch isn't important because when compared to other senses I feel I use and need all the others more. Touch I ignore.

I think many that live witout senses are brave. I'm sure to survive without being able to hear, see, taste or smell or anyting. Toucing a surface and not knowing what it feels like could be a little annoying but not that life changing.

Also if I didn't have the sense of touch I wouldn't be able to feel that much pain physically. If someone hits me with a ball I wouldn't notice because I wouldn't be able to touch the ball. Not having the sense of touch has is up and downs to it. Those are some reasons why if Ihad to live without one of the five senses I would chose touch!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. The writer suggests a controlling idea, but demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and completes few parts of the task. Essays at this level usually still have a thesis, but it is less detailed and much more informal than higher-scoring essays. Insufficiently formal language hurts the credibility of the thesis. (“If I had to live without one of the five senses I think I would want to live without touch cause touch is useless compared to what else like

hearing.”) Most of the content is on topic, but there is some information that is unnecessary or poorly

placed. (“Many American are born without being able to use some of their senses but I don't think I would be able to do it.”)

Content & Development

The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support ideas. There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. The author does address a few of the senses, but not all are mentioned or fully discussed. Although the author clearly has an opinion, there is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. Important details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“The reason I feel that touch isn't important because when compared to other senses I feel I use and need all the others more. Touch I ignore.”) The author should spend more time considering what he or she is missing out on by not having access to all of his or her senses.

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. The essay does attempt to provide both an introduction and a thesis, but little or no background information is present to help readers understand the choice being given. In the following excerpt from the essay, does the author mean to imply he or she would prefer to be without the sense of touch? (“Of all my senses I think I would want to live without touch cause touch is useless compared to what else like hearing.”) Ideally, the author should explain the choice being offered in the prompt. Transitions are rarely used at this level. The writer does not provide a conclusion or sum up the ideas presented in the rest of the essay. He/she give readers something else to think about, but the final paragraph is probably part of the body of the essay mixed with a traditional conclusion. (“Also if I didn't have the sense of touch I wouldn't be able to feel that much pain physically. If someone hits me with a ball I wouldn't notice because I wouldn't be able to touch the ball. Not having the sense of touch has is up and downs to it. Those are some reasons why if Ihad to live without one of the five senses I would chose

touch!”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, basic errors in sentence structure and usage. The lengths of the sentences are often short or insufficiently sophisticated for a high school writer. (“Touch I ignore.”) The ideas may be repetitive and there are no transitions to help readers move between ideas or signal a conclusion to the essay. Overall, the essay is far too informal for a high-school-level essay. (“I think many that live witout senses are brave. I'm sure to survive without being able to hear, see, taste or smell or anyting.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not end each sentence with a punctuation mark or begin each sentence with a capital letter. Punctuation is used informally. (“Those are some reasons why if Ihad to live without one of the five senses I would chose touch!”) Essays at this level begin to have serious problems with spelling and punctuation. (“Toucing a surface and not knowing what it feels like could be a little annoying but not that life changing.”)

Model Essay

If I had a choice to live with out one of my sences the sence i would choose is my sence of hearing and here are some reasons why I chose no hearing. It is because its not a really important sence because u still can understand somebody with out hearing the person or thing. You can learn sign language but the disadvantage to that is you would half to have friends that know sign language or no one will understand you. Three other reasons why we dont need hearing is if no one had hearing its not like anything in the world would go wrong. Another reason is it would be a real experience for me because I would have to learn sign language to communicate with one another like friends and family,teachers,boss,and more. My last reason for if I didnt have hearing is I wouldnt have to hear my parents yell at me when I get in trouble and that is why I chose no hearing.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

without, but it is proposed in an unclear and informal manner. (“If I had a choice to live with out one of my sences the sence i would choose is my sence of hearing and here are some reasons why I chose no

hearing.”) Essays at this level often include completely irrelevant information that has little to do with the topic. However, this essay is mostly on topic.

Content & Development

The writer fails to develop ideas and uses no details to support ideas. Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. The author attempts to provide three reasons to support the thesis, but they are very brief and are not even minimally explored. (“Three other reasons why we dont need hearing is if no one had hearing its not like anything in the world would go wrong. Another reason is it would be a real experience for me because I would have to learn sign language to communicate with one another like friends and family,teachers,boss,and more. My last reason for if I didnt have hearing is I

wouldnt have to hear my parents yell at me when I get in trouble and that is why I chose no hearing.”) Details (examples, facts, brief narratives or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence.

There are no main ideas in the body paragraphs since there are no body paragraphs. The ideas that are presented often make no sense. (“Three other reasons why we dont need hearing is if no one had hearing its not like anything in the world would go wrong.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates no evidence of unified structure with no introduction or conclusion and no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices. There is a very brief introduction. The conclusion is mixed with the rest of the content. (“My last reason for if I didnt have hearing is I wouldnt have to hear my parents yell at me when I get in trouble and that is why I chose no hearing.”) There is no attempt made to

use transitions, and the author does not attempt to separate ideas with paragraphing. Essentially, there is no organization aside from an introductory sentence. (“If I had a choice to live with out one of my sences the sence i would choose is my sence of hearing and here are some reasons why I chose no hearing.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. The lengths of the sentences are short, repetitive, and informal. Essays at this level often have significant and immediately noticeable issues with sentence structure. Occasionally, an essay will receive a score of 1 at this level for simply being too short. Here, however, the author clearly displays a poor understanding of the basics of language and style.

Mechanics & Conventions

mechanics and conventions that impede meaning. (“If I had a choice to live with out one of my sences the sence i would choose is my sence of hearing and here are some reasons why I chose no hearing.”)

Each particular decade in the twentieth century is known for specific fads and events. If you could experience living in any particular decade from the 1920s to the 1990s, which would you choose and why?

In a detailed essay, write about a particular decade you would like to experience and why you would choose this period in time. Include specific events or trends that you would like to experience.

Model Essay

The 1960's

There was no other decade in American history that promoted change more than the 1960's. American life in the 1950's was conservative, and most people followed rules and complied with what they believed was an appropriate way of life. Men went to work, women stayed home to raise children, and children obeyed their parents. These lifestyles were depicted in TV shows such as; I Love Lucy and Leave it to Beaver.

There was also no disagreeing or arguing with parents in shows like Leave it to Beaver. Children complied with their parents' rules and followed their parents' values and beliefs without question. Discrimination towards minorities was a standard way of life in the 1950's. African Americans and women were not allowed many of the freedoms as white males and although there was some conflict about this nothing was really done to change this until the 1960's. These changes began when 70 million babies were born after World War II. These children were named, Baby Boomers. It was these children that rebelled against the social norms they were led to believe, they revolutionized the culture of America. The changes from 1960 to 1969 were radical, the young people from this decade made changes that continue to influence our lives today. Fashion, politics, drugs and music were all catalysts for change during this time.

Fashion in the 1950's was considered conservative. Men wore dark colored pants, white shirts and ties, normal work attire that did not show much in terms of individuality. Women were expected to wear knee length skirts or dresses. Men's haircuts were short and mainly crew cut style. Women wore their hair in bouffant hairstyles, teased a little high and combed neatly back and away from the face. Changes in fashion began to show in the late 1950's to early 1960's but it was still very risky for young people to stray too far from what parents expected their young girls and boys to wear or look like. By the mid 1960's style changed dramatically with the advent of the hippie generation. Women's fashion became far more revealing with hot pants, miniskirts and go-go boots. Hair was grown long and worn down by both men and women. Bright colors and tie-dye also entered the fashion industry. Young people felt a sense freedom and began to wear whatever they felt represented them. They wore peace signs and flowers depicting how they felt about the Vietnam War at this time. There was much protest by conservative parents during this time that seemed to drive this revolution for change to even higher levels, fashion was just the beginning.

Some of the most extreme changes during the 1960's were political. Discrimination was supposed to be abolished well before this decade but the practices and thoughts of most conservative people were still racist. The Civil Rights Act of 1964 was laid out to help end discrimination towards minority people but most felt this document was not enough to change the thoughts that drove people to act in a racist manner. Leaders determined to help carry out the Civil Rights Act began to emerge, and this became the beginning of the Civil Rights Movement, one of its greatest leaders was Martin Luther King. He fought for the rights of minorities through peaceful marches and protests but by 1965 this changed. More radical groups began to develop like the Black Panthers. Racial tension began to form and many felt that quiet and lawful protests were not working, this led to the Watts Riots of 1965. These riots centralized in the African American community of Los Angeles, lasted 6 days and caused 100 million dollars in damages. African American were not the only ones fighting for their rights, the 1960's was also the beginning of the Women's Movement. Women were tired of being treated unfairly. They began to protest for the same rights and

privileges as men had. Women today are still struggling for equal pay and equal consideration for jobs. Another political situation involved the Vietnam War. The Vietnam War and how young people viewed war in general changed in the 1960's. The Vietnam War began secretly but by 1965 became public due to large number of soldiers sent over to Vietnam to help with war. Young adults, mainly hippies, felt that war was wrong and believed in love and peace.

The 1960's seemed to be the onset for drug use in America. This was one of the tragedies of the decade and still has a negative impact on American life today. Back in the 1960's drugs and music were said to go together. If you listened to "rock" music you were assumed to be using drugs and this seemed to prove to be true for most. Musicians from this decade included Jimi Hendrix, Janice Joplin and Jim Morrison, to name a few, they all died too soon from drug overdoses. The large number of young people using these drugs was evident at one the largest concerts ever held, Woodstock. Woodstock was a three day event and included almost every "rock" band of that time. The use of drugs during this decade was the only thing that American culture could have done without. It has led to consistent drug use problem in our country.

The 1960's was an amazing decade, it had the greatest impact on how we live and think in America today. The events of this decade impacted our culture and our belief systems. It taught us that free expression through fashion and speech are valuable freedoms that need to be exercised. It taught us not to conform to society's norms if there is a better way to live, and to speak up if we do not agree with what is going on around us. The music was incredible even though it was influenced by the drugs used at the time. There is no other decade that has shaped our country both positively and negatively.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience. He/she effectively completes all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task. Notably, the writer leaves readers with a clear picture of a decade he/she would like to experience.

The introduction grabs the readers’ attention by very effectively discussing the changes that occurred from the 1950s into the 1960s. (“There was no other decade in American history that promoted change more than the 1960's. American life in the 1950's was conservative, and most people followed rules and complied with what they believed was an appropriate way of life. Men went to work, women stayed home to raise children, and children obeyed their parents. These lifestyles were depicted in TV shows such as; I Love Lucy and Leave it to Beaver. There was also no disagreeing or arguing with parents in shows like Leave it to Beaver. Children complied with their parents' rules and followed their parents' values and beliefs without question. Discrimination towards minorities was a standard way of life in the 1950's. African Americans and women were not allowed many of the freedoms as white males and although there was some conflict about this nothing was really done to change this until the 1960's.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. (“Changes in fashion began to show in the late 1950's to early 1960's but it was still very risky for young people to stray too far from what parents expected their young girls and boys to wear or look like. By the mid 1960's style changed dramatically with the advent of the hippie generation. Women's fashion became far more revealing with hot pants, miniskirts and go-go boots. Hair was grown long and worn down by both men and women. Bright colors and tie-dye also entered the fashion industry. Young people felt a sense freedom and began to wear whatever they felt represented them. They wore peace signs and flowers depicting how they felt about the Vietnam War at this time. There was much protest by conservative parents during this time that seemed to drive this revolution for change to even higher levels, fashion was just the beginning.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“The changes from 1960 to 1969 were radical, the young people from this decade made changes that continue to influence our lives today. Fashion, politics, drugs and music were all catalysts for change during this time.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully, using a wide variety of appropriate details for support.

Relevant points explain and illustrate specific events from the 1960s very effectively. (“Some of the most extreme changes during the 1960's were political. Discrimination was supposed to be abolished well before this decade but the practices and thoughts of most conservative people were still racist. The Civil Rights Act of 1964 was laid out to help end discrimination towards minority people but most felt this document was not enough to change the thoughts that drove people to act in a racist manner. Leaders determined to help carry out the Civil Rights Act began to emerge, and this became the beginning of the Civil Rights Movement, one of its greatest leaders was Martin Luther King.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (“Fashion in the 1950's was considered conservative. Men wore dark colored pants, white shirts and ties, normal work attire that did not show much in terms of individuality. Women were expected to wear knee length skirts or dresses. Men's haircuts were short and mainly crew cut style. Women wore their hair in bouffant hairstyles, teased a little high and combed neatly back and away from the face. Changes in fashion began to show in the late 1950's to early 1960's but it was still very risky for young people to stray too far from what parents expected their young girls and boys to wear or look like. By the mid 1960's style changed dramatically with the advent of the hippie generation. Women's fashion became far more revealing with hot pants, miniskirts and go-go boots. Hair was grown long and worn down by both men and women. Bright colors and tie-dye also entered the fashion industry.”)

Specific information about the 1960s is developed very effectively. (“The 1960's seemed to be the onset for drug use in America. This was one of the tragedies of the decade and still has a negative impact on American life today. Back in the 1960's drugs and music were said to go together. If you listened to ‘rock’ music you were assumed to be using drugs and this seemed to prove to be true for most. Musicians from this decade included Jimi Hendrix, Janice Joplin and Jim Morrison, to name a few, they all died too soon from drug overdoses. The large number of young people using these drugs was evident at one the largest

concerts ever held, Woodstock. Woodstock was a three day event and included almost every ‘rock’ band of that time. The use of drugs during this decade was the only thing that American culture could have done without. It has led to consistent drug use problem in our country.”)

Organization

The writer effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction by revealing his/her opinion about the 1960s. (“There was no other decade in American history that promoted change more than the 1960's.”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect ideas between paragraphs. (“There was much protest by conservative parents during this time that seemed to drive this revolution for change to even higher levels, fashion was just the beginning. …Some of the most extreme changes during the 1960's were political.”)

The writer includes an ending that sums up the important changes in the 1960s and provides readers with a sense of closure. (“The 1960's was an amazing decade, it had the greatest impact on how we live and think in America today. The events of this decade impacted our culture and our belief systems. It taught us that free expression through fashion and speech are valuable freedoms that need to be exercised. It taught us not to conform to society's norms if there is a better way to live, and to speak up if we do not agree with what is going on around us. The music was incredible even though it was influenced by the drugs used at the time. There is no other decade that has shaped our country both positively and negatively.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer chooses descriptive words to effectively describe events in the 1960s. (“Some of the most extreme changes during the 1960's were political. Discrimination was supposed to be abolished well before this decade but the practices and thoughts of most conservative people were still racist. The Civil Rights Act of 1964 was laid out to help end discrimination towards minority people but most felt this document was not enough to change the thoughts that drove people to act in a racist manner. Leaders determined to help carry out the Civil Rights Act began to emerge, and this became the beginning of the Civil Rights Movement, one of its greatest leaders was Martin Luther King. He fought for the rights of minorities through peaceful marches and protests but by 1965 this changed.”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“Fashion in the 1950's was considered conservative. Men wore dark colored pants, white shirts and ties, normal work attire that did not show much in terms of individuality. Women were expected to wear knee length skirts or dresses. Men's haircuts were short and mainly crew cut style. Women wore their hair in bouffant hairstyles, teased a little high and combed neatly back and away from the face. Changes in fashion began to show in the late 1950's to early 1960's but it was still very risky for young people to stray too far from what parents expected their young girls and boys to wear or look like. By the mid 1960's style changed dramatically with the advent of the hippie generation. Women's fashion became far more revealing with hot pants, miniskirts and go-go boots. Hair was grown long and worn down by both men and women. Bright colors and tie-dye also entered the fashion industry. Young people felt a sense freedom and began to wear whatever they felt represented them. They wore peace signs and flowers depicting how they felt about the Vietnam War at this time.”)

The writer demonstrates use of strong voice throughout the response. (“The 1960's seemed to be the onset for drug use in America. This was one of the tragedies of the decade and still has a negative impact on American life today. Back in the 1960's drugs and music were said to go together. If you listened to ‘rock’ music you were assumed to be using drugs and this seemed to prove to be true for most. Musicians from this decade included Jimi Hendrix, Janice Joplin and Jim Morrison, to name a few, they all died too soon from drug overdoses. The large number of young people using these drugs was evident at one the largest concerts ever held, Woodstock.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

nothing was really done to change this until the 1960's. These changes began when 70 million babies were born after World War II. These children were named, Baby Boomers. It was these children that rebelled against the social norms they were led to believe, they revolutionized the culture of America. The changes from 1960 to 1969 were radical, the young people from this decade made changes that continue to influence our lives today. Fashion, politics, drugs and music were all catalysts for change during this time.”)

Model Essay

The twentieth century was a historic, eventful period; especially in the United States. Each decade was an entire chapter of its own, complete with new styles and trends, along with the changes of society as time went by. If I were to pick only one decade to experience, my choice would have to land in the 1990s. This decade was filled with many advances in technology, records for sports (particularly basketball), and the end of the Cold War.

The 1990s was known to be the dawn of the Information Age. Many technological advances were made during this period that were widely distributed to the general public. An example of this would be the introduction of the Internet. The Internet, or otherwise known as the World Wide Web, provided people with a new way to attain information without having to go to the library. This made researching and getting information much easier hence, the Information Age. Not only was the World Wide Web used for research, but browsing and data transfer were other factors gained by this new technology. Another technological advancement in this era was communication. Cell phones became smaller and easier to use, E-mail was introduced, and instant messaging was now another method of communication. All of these progressions brought forth new methods of communication and took it to another level. Technology grew at a rapid pace during this decade and I would gladly experience going through it.

Technology was not the only improvement during this period. Sports were growing, especially basketball, mainly because of one person: Michael Jordan. Michael Jordan was arguably the best athlete ever to play the game. In the 1990s, he led the Chicago Bulls to 7 World Championships and was an icon to everyone who watched the game. Basketball is a sport that I enjoy and I would love to watch the greatest player in action. He would set record after record as he continued to play and the 1990s were the peak of his skill. Michael Jordan would break and set new records day after day and many of them still stand today. Michael Jordan was also a great role model. He taught people to never give up and work hard and I have taken that philosophy to heart. It would be an amazing experience to watch him play during his prime and this is another reason why I would want to experience the 1990s.

The final reason why I would want to experience the 1990s was because it was the end of the Cold War. The Cold War was not really a war, but a military competition between the United States and the Soviet Union to see who could produce the strongest and deadliest weapons. The 1990s saw the collapse of the Soviet Union which thus led to the end of this war of firepower. This was a great time for Americans because they could relax more about any wars brewing and quit wasting government money on a useless feud between two countries. I would want to experience this because this would be a joyful time for the American public and joy is something to be enjoyed. The end of the Cold War would also lead to America being able to focus on themselves and make improvements on things within the country along with fixing any problems we might have.

The decade from 1990-1999 would be the one I would want to experience the most for three reasons. These reasons include technological advancements, records in basketball, and the end of the Cold War. I have looked over all the decades and this one seemed the most appealing because of these reasons. The 1990s were the best years in the twentieth century and I would want to experience only the best.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The introduction grabs the readers’ attention by beginning with a statement. (“The twentieth century was a historic, eventful period; especially in the United States. Each decade was an entire chapter of its own, complete with new styles and trends, along with the changes of society as time went by.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. (“The 1990s was known to be the dawn of the Information Age. Many technological advances were made during this period that were widely distributed to the general public. An example of this would be the introduction of the Internet. The Internet, or otherwise known as the World Wide Web, provided people with a new way to attain information without having to go to the library. This made researching and getting information much easier hence, the Information Age. Not only was the World Wide Web used for research, but browsing and data transfer were other factors gained by this new technology. Another technological advancement in this era was communication. Cell phones became smaller and easier to use, E-mail was introduced, and instant messaging was now another method of communication. All of these progressions brought forth new methods of communication and took it to another level. Technology grew at a rapid pace during this decade and I would gladly experience going through it.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very well. (“If I were to pick only one decade to experience, my choice would have to land in the 1990s. This decade was filled with many advances in technology, records for sports (particularly basketball), and the end of the Cold War.”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient and appropriate details for support.

The content in the body of the paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain the main idea. (“Technology was not the only improvement during this period. Sports were growing, especially

basketball, mainly because of one person: Michael Jordan. Michael Jordan was arguably the best athlete ever to play the game. In the 1990s, he led the Chicago Bulls to 7 World Championships and was an icon to everyone who watched the game. Basketball is a sport that I enjoy and I would love to watch the greatest player in action. He would set record after record as he continued to play and the 1990s were the peak of his skill. Michael Jordan would break and set new records day after day and many of them still stand today. Michael Jordan was also a great role model. He taught people to never give up and work hard and I have taken that philosophy to heart. It would be an amazing experience to watch him play during his prime and this is another reason why I would want to experience the 1990s.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea in the topic sentence. (“The final reason why I would want to experience the 1990s was because it was the end of the Cold War. The Cold War was not really a war, but a military competition between the United States and the Soviet Union to see who could produce the strongest and deadliest weapons. The 1990s saw the collapse of the Soviet Union which thus led to the end of this war of firepower. This was a great time for Americans because they could relax more about any wars brewing and quit wasting government money on a useless feud between two countries.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“Many technological advances were made during this period that were widely distributed to the general public. An example of this would be the introduction of the Internet. The Internet, or otherwise known as the World Wide Web, provided people with a new way to attain information without having to go to the library. This made researching and getting information much easier hence, the Information Age. Not only was the World Wide Web used for research, but browsing and data transfer were other factors gained by this new technology.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates an effective introduction. (“The twentieth century was a historic, eventful period; especially in the United States. Each decade was an entire chapter of its own, complete with new styles and trends, along with the changes of society as time went by. If I were to pick only one decade to experience, my choice would have to land in the 1990s. This decade was filled with many advances in technology, records for sports (particularly basketball), and the end of the Cold War.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or sentences are used well. (“Many technological advances were made during this period that were widely distributed to the general public. An example of this would be the introduction of the Internet. The Internet, or otherwise known as the World Wide Web, provided people with a new way to attain information without having to go to the library. This made researching and getting information much easier hence, the Information Age. Not only was the World Wide Web used for research, but browsing and data transfer were other factors gained by this new technology. Another technological advancement in this era was communication.”)

The conclusion provides the readers with closure as to why the writer wanted to experience the 1990s. (“The decade from 1990-1999 would be the one I would want to experience the most for three reasons.

These reasons include technological advancements, records in basketball, and the end of the Cold War. I have looked over all the decades and this one seemed the most appealing because of these reasons. The 1990s were the best years in the twentieth century and I would want to experience only the best.”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent. (“The Internet, or otherwise known as the World Wide Web, provided people with a new way to attain information without having to go to the library. This made researching and getting information much easier hence, the Information Age. Not only was the World Wide Web used for research, but browsing and data transfer were other factors gained by this new technology.

Another technological advancement in this era was communication. Cell phones became smaller and easier to use, E-mail was introduced, and instant messaging was now another method of communication. All of these progressions brought forth new methods of communication and took it to another level. Technology grew at a rapid pace during this decade and I would gladly experience going through it.”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“The 1990s saw the collapse of the Soviet Union which thus led to the end of this war of firepower. This was a great time for Americans because they could relax more about any wars brewing and quit wasting government money on a useless feud between two countries. I would want to experience this because this would be a joyful time for the American public and joy is something to be enjoyed. The end of the Cold War would also lead to America being able to focus on themselves and make improvements on things within the country along with fixing any problems we might have.”)

The writer employs good word choices to describe Michael Jordan’s basketball accomplishments during the 1990s. (“In the 1990s, he led the Chicago Bulls to 7 World Championships and was an icon to everyone who watched the game. Basketball is a sport that I enjoy and I would love to watch the greatest player in action. He would set record after record as he continued to play and the 1990s were the peak of his skill.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement and appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“The final reason why I would want to experience the 1990s was because it was the end of the Cold War. The Cold War was not really a war, but a military competition between the United States and the Soviet Union to see who could produce the strongest and deadliest weapons. The 1990s saw the collapse of the Soviet Union which thus led to the end of this war of firepower.”)

Model Essay

The 1970's was an awesome decade when the first Earth Day was celebrated, the Vietnam War ended, and disco music was first popular. The seventies is the decade I would like to experience because of its many historical events and its unique style and fads. So many cool and interesting events happened in the 70's, I just find it fascinating. The 1970's influenced later decades, and started some of America's most remembered trends. The seventies was an important decade, and had a huge impact on life today.

Earth Day is a very important holiday when people nationwide participate in festivities that benefit the earth. People plant trees, clean up beaches, pick up litter, recycle, and take part in activities that help raise awareness of the many problems Earth faces. It's a day when people really appreciate our world, and are educated on the problems the Earth faces. The first Earth Day celebrated was on April 22, 1970. It was created by Senator Gaylord Nelson of Wisconsin, who was disturbed that politics and the media did not address the issues of the environment. An estimated twenty million people participated in the first Earth Day, eventually leading to the creation of the Clean Water Act and the Clean Air Act. I wish I could have participated in the first Earth Day, because I care about the environment, and I think it would be cool to be able to participate in the beginning of a national holiday.

The Vietnam war was a long, hard war that was fought from the fifties to the seventies. Almost 3 million men and women were sent to fight in Vietnam, and it is estimated that over 2.5 million people on both sides of the war were killed. Of course, the Vietnam war brought hard times to America, and many people were struggling with a variety of problems. When the war ended, people were overjoyed, so clothing and music of the seventies reflected the happiness of the people. Disco became popular in the 1970's, which is what this decade is very popular for. The end of the war sparked the creation of the fun and unique style of the seventies.

The 1970's was a very important decade. I wish I could have experienced this time period, because it made such a difference in everyday life. The seventies was full of strange, unique trends, and they reflected the mood America had after the war. The 1970's was mostly a time of happiness and celebration, because the Vietnam war ended, and people were able to get back to their normal lives. The end of the war meant the end of a long time of sorrow and tragedy, and so the seventies was a decade devoted to enjoyment and celebration. I wish I could have experienced the 1970's because I see it as one of the happiest, most important times in America.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The thesis statement presents the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view of the writer

adequately. (“The 1970's influenced later decades, and started some of America's most remembered trends. The seventies was an important decade, and had a huge impact on life today.”)

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The essay is devoted to informing the readers about events that occurred during the 1970s. (“Earth Day is a very important holiday when people nationwide participate in festivities that benefit the earth. People plant trees, clean up beaches, pick up litter, recycle, and take part in activities that help raise awareness of the many problems Earth faces. It's a day when people really appreciate our world, and are educated on the problems the Earth faces. The first Earth Day celebrated was on April 22, 1970.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“The 1970's was a very important decade. I wish I could have experienced this time period, because it made such a difference in everyday life. The seventies was full of strange, unique trends, and they reflected the mood America had after the war.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support.

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Earth Day is a very important holiday when people nationwide participate in festivities that benefit the earth. People plant trees, clean up beaches, pick up litter, recycle, and take part in activities that help raise awareness of the many problems Earth faces. It's a day when people really appreciate our world, and are educated on the problems the Earth faces. The first Earth Day celebrated was on April 22, 1970. It was created by Senator Gaylord Nelson of Wisconsin, who was disturbed that politics and the media did not address the issues of the environment. An estimated twenty million people participated in the first Earth Day, eventually leading to the creation of the Clean Water Act and the Clean Air Act.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“The Vietnam war was a long, hard war that was fought from the fifties to the seventies. Almost 3 million men and women were sent to fight in Vietnam, and it is estimated that over 2.5 million people on both sides of the war were killed. Of course, the Vietnam war brought hard times to America, and many people were

struggling with a variety of problems.”) Providing more specific details would enhance the writer’s descriptions of the Vietnam War.

The writer provides anecdotal examples that are relevant. (“When the war ended, people were overjoyed, so clothing and music of the seventies reflected the happiness of the people. Disco became popular in the 1970's, which is what this decade is very popular for. The end of the war sparked the creation of the fun and unique style of the seventies.”)

Organization

The beginning of the essay demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by showcasing certain events that occurred during the 1970s. (“The 1970's was an awesome decade when the first Earth

Day was celebrated, the Vietnam War ended, and disco music was first popular. The seventies is the decade I would like to experience because of its many historical events and its unique style and fads. So many cool and interesting events happened in the 70's, I just find it fascinating. The 1970's influenced later decades, and started some of America's most remembered trends. The seventies was an important decade, and had a huge impact on life today.”)

Subtle transitions are used to connect ideas. (“Of course, the Vietnam war brought hard times to America, and many people were struggling with a variety of problems. When the war ended, people were overjoyed, so clothing and music of the seventies reflected the happiness of the people. Disco became popular in the

1970's, which is what this decade is very popular for.”) The writer should incorporate more transitions to connect the ideas in a more meaningful way.

The writer’s conclusion neglects to summarize the main points of the response and does not leave the readers with too much to think about. However, the readers do have a sense of closure. The writer should consider enhancing the conclusion with a summary of ideas and attempt to leave the readers with

something to think about. (“The 1970's was a very important decade. I wish I could have experienced this time period, because it made such a difference in everyday life. The seventies was full of strange, unique trends, and they reflected the mood America had after the war. The 1970's was mostly a time of happiness and celebration, because the Vietnam war ended, and people were able to get back to their normal lives.

The end of the war meant the end of a long time of sorrow and tragedy, and so the seventies was a decade devoted to enjoyment and celebration. I wish I could have experienced the 1970's because I see it as one of the happiest, most important times in America.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“The Vietnam war was a long, hard war that was fought from the fifties to the seventies. Almost 3 million men and women were sent to fight in Vietnam, and it is estimated that over 2.5 million people on both sides of the war were killed. Of course, the Vietnam war brought hard times to America, and many people were struggling with a variety of problems. When the war ended, people were overjoyed, so clothing and music of the seventies reflected the happiness of the people. Disco became popular in the 1970's, which is what this decade is very popular for. The end of the war sparked the creation of the fun and unique style of the seventies.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the response. He/she provides language that adequately describes how Earth Day began during the 1970s. (“Earth Day is a very important holiday

when people nationwide participate in festivities that benefit the earth. People plant trees, clean up beaches, pick up litter, recycle, and take part in activities that help raise awareness of the many problems Earth faces. It's a day when people really appreciate our world, and are educated on the problems the Earth faces. The first Earth Day celebrated was on April 22, 1970.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the essay. (“The seventies was full of strange, unique trends, and they reflected the mood America had after the war. The 1970's was mostly a time of happiness and celebration, because the Vietnam war ended, and people were able to get back to their normal lives. The end of the war meant the end of a long time of sorrow and

tragedy, and so the seventies was a decade devoted to enjoyment and celebration.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure that sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have subject-verb agreement, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, words are spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs are indicated with line breaks. (“The first Earth Day celebrated was on April 22, 1970. It was created by Senator Gaylord Nelson of Wisconsin, who was disturbed that politics and the media did not address the issues of the environment. An estimated twenty million people participated in the first Earth Day,

eventually leading to the creation of the Clean Water Act and the Clean Air Act.”)

Model Essay

Each particular decade in the twentieth century is known for a fad and events. If I could go back to any decade it would be the nineteen eighties. The reason I choose the eighties because of the fashion, music, and scandals that occur. This decade was one of the best that ever happened.

Fashion in the nineteen eighties was much more different than the fashion in the sixties and seventies. In the eighties there wasn't just one style, but a variety of different styles. The eighties were known for their power dressing, which was a style of clothing and hair intended to make wearers seem authoritative and competent, especially in professional settings in business, law and government. Power dressing, included smart suit and neckties. This fashion trend was archetypal by the most famous pop artist Madonna.

The eighty was a very important year in music. It was known as the "decade of excess," the eighties brought a more visual experience to music. From fireworks at concerts to MTV, the 80's made sitting next to the radio a thing of the past. The 60's were the natural feel good music era. The 70's were the dance crazed the disco era. By the time the 80's rolled around, people needed something new and crazy. Pop music was a phenomena, because of the artist who were able to capture the imagination of he people such as Janet, Micheal Jackson, and Madonna.

However, nineteen eighties had scandals no one ever expected.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Focus and meaning are limited in the essay. The writer establishes a limited controlling idea and demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she provides limited descriptions and details that may not give the readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Only some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The essay reveals the controlling idea in a very limited way. (“If I could go back to any decade it would be the nineteen eighties. The reason I choose the eighties because of the fashion, music, and scandals that

occur. This decade was one of the best that ever happened.”)

The writer’s focus is limited. The writer focuses on the fashion of the 1980s, but the description is limited at best. (“Fashion in the nineteen eighties was much more different than the fashion in the sixties and seventies. In the eighties there wasn't just one style, but a variety of different styles. The eighties were known for their power dressing, which was a style of clothing and hair intended to make wearers seem authoritative and competent, especially in professional settings in business, law and government. Power dressing, included smart suit and neckties. This fashion trend was archetypal by the most famous pop artist Madonna.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the essay and should include more meaningful examples to illustrate important events and trends during the 1980s. Including specific examples of scandals would

help the readers picture the subject of the essay in their minds. (“However, nineteen eighties had scandals no one ever expected.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The essay develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support.

The essay uses limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“The eighty was a very important year in music. It was known as the ‘decade of excess,’ the eighties brought a more visual experience to music. From

fireworks at concerts to MTV, the 80's made sitting next to the radio a thing of the past. The 60's were the natural feel good music era. The 70's were the dance crazed the disco era. By the time the 80's rolled around, people needed something new and crazy. Pop music was a phenomena, because of the artist who were able to capture the imagination of he people such as Janet, Micheal Jackson, and Madonna.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. (“However, nineteen eighties had scandals no one ever expected.”)

The explanations and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“Fashion in the nineteen eighties was much more different than the fashion in the sixties and seventies. In the eighties there wasn't just one style, but a variety of different styles. The eighties were known for their power dressing, which was a style of clothing and hair intended to make wearers seem authoritative and

competent, especially in professional settings in business, law and government.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a limited introduction. The writer discloses which decade he/she would like to experience, but with limited background information and descriptive details, the readers struggle to picture the 1980s in their minds. (“Each particular decade in the twentieth century is known for a fad and events. If I could go back to any decade it would be the nineteen eighties. The reason I choose the eighties because of the fashion, music, and scandals that occur. This decade was one of the best that ever happened.”)

Strong transitions between paragraphs and between sentences are needed to enhance the flow of the

writer’s ideas. (“The eighty was a very important year in music. It was known as the ‘decade of excess,’ the eighties brought a more visual experience to music. From fireworks at concerts to MTV, the 80's made sitting next to the radio a thing of the past.”)

The conclusion does not summarize the main ideas nor leave readers with something to think about. (“However, nineteen eighties had scandals no one ever expected.”)

Language Use & Style

Some sentences are short. (“The eighty was a very important year in music.”) The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the response more interesting to the intended audience.

Oftentimes, the writer uses the same group of words to begin sentences. (“The eighties… The eighty… The 60's… The 70’s…”)

The sentences are too informal and the word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively

communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“The 60's were the natural feel good music era. The 70's were the dance crazed the disco era. By the time the 80's rolled around, people needed something new and crazy.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

1919, is one of the decades that I would love to live, one of the reasons was for fashion.Where did the fashion came from? How did the women's dressed, and the rules from the Fashion Industry. How did the skirts came from long to short? The big hats that where design of flower pots, umbrellas, and all different designs.

Fashion was one of the importants things for woman in France during 1910s, make up, clothing, shoes, hair, runways, magazines, photoshoots, and all the fun stuff; that one day i would like to do for models, or for stylist doing it on me.

I always dreamed of been part of the Fashion Industry, personal shopper, modeling, been in photoshoots, helping models or other people how to dress.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay only minimally includes a central/controlling idea. (“1919, is one of the decades that I would love to live, one of the reasons was for fashion.”) The writer misses the opportunity to elaborate on the specific events and trends during the entire decade of 1910.

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give the readers a true sense of the decade being described. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“1919, is one of the decades that I would love to live, one of the reasons was for fashion.Where did the fashion came from? How did the women's dressed, and the rules from the Fashion Industry. How did the skirts came from long to short? The big hats that where design of flower pots, umbrellas, and all different designs.”)

The writer’s details are minimally developed. (“Fashion was one of the importants things for woman in France during 1910s, make up, clothing, shoes, hair, runways, magazines, photoshoots, and all the fun stuff; that one day i would like to do for models, or for stylist doing it on me.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s thesis statement. (“I always dreamed of been part of the Fashion Industry, personal shopper, modeling, been in photoshoots, helping models or other people how to dress.”)

In the two-paragraph essay response, the writer does not include at least three main ideas as evidence.

(“Fashion was one of the importants things for woman in France during 1910s, make up, clothing, shoes, hair, runways, magazines, photoshoots, and all the fun stuff; that one day i would like to do for models, or for stylist doing it on me.”)

the 1910s. (“1919, is one of the decades that I would love to live, one of the reasons was for fashion.Where did the fashion came from? How did the women's dressed, and the rules from the Fashion Industry. How did the skirts came from long to short? The big hats that where design of flower pots, umbrellas, and all

different designs.”)

Organization

The essay does not effectively grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“1919, is one of the decades that I would love to live, one of the reasons was for fashion.”)

There is little evidence of transitional devices to help connect ideas. (“1919, is one of the decades that I would love to live, one of the reasons was for fashion.Where did the fashion came from? How did the women's dressed, and the rules from the Fashion Industry. How did the skirts came from long to short? The big hats that where design of flower pots, umbrellas, and all different designs.”)

The essay does little to include a strong conclusion. (“I always dreamed of been part of the Fashion Industry, personal shopper, modeling, been in photoshoots, helping models or other people how to dress.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentences in the essay are not structured well. The writer employs run-on sentences that contain repetitive ideas. (“Fashion was one of the importants things for woman in France during 1910s, make up, clothing, shoes, hair, runways, magazines, photoshoots, and all the fun stuff; that one day i would like to do for models, or for stylist doing it on me.”)

Exact words are missing, which can affect meaning. (“I always dreamed of been part of the Fashion Industry, personal shopper, modeling, been in photoshoots, helping models or other people how to dress.”)

The writer relies on simple sentence structures and word choices. (“Where did the fashion came from? How did the women's dressed, and the rules from the Fashion Industry. How did the skirts came from long to short? The big hats that where design of flower pots, umbrellas, and all different designs.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to keep ideas separate and organized. (“Fashion was one of the importants things for woman in France during 1910s, make up, clothing, shoes, hair, runways, magazines, photoshoots, and all the fun stuff; that one day i would like to do for models, or for stylist doing it on me.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

The 1940s is consider the hardest time to live in the United States due to the war and the Great Depression. Even thought his occasion is the hardest time in the Untied State of America it's cotains the greatest gerenation of American ever.

There was the greatest amount of rich people all at once. The stock market crash and it didn't recover until world war 2. This time period also had one of the greatest president that the Untied States has ever had

F.D.R. This is why this gerenation of Americans is consider the greatest that has ever lived.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“There was the greatest amount of rich people all at once. The stock market crash and it didn't recover until world war 2.”)

The essay states a central/controlling idea but does not develop it adequately through examples and

descriptive details. (“The 1940s is consider the hardest time to live in the United States due to the war and the Great Depression. Even thought his occasion is the hardest time in the Untied State of America it's

cotains the greatest gerenation of American ever.”)

The essay’s lack of specific details renders the writer’s message ineffective and incomplete. (“This time period also had one of the greatest president that the Untied States has ever had F.D.R. This is why this gerenation of Americans is consider the greatest that has ever lived.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer neglects to develop ideas, using little or no details for support.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“The 1940s is consider the hardest time to live in the United States due to the war and the Great Depression. Even thought his occasion is the hardest time in the Untied State of America it's cotains the greatest gerenation of American ever.”)

In the response, there are no main ideas in the body paragraphs. At least three main ideas should be

included as evidence. (“There was the greatest amount of rich people all at once. The stock market crash and it didn't recover until world war 2. This time period also had one of the greatest president that the Untied States has ever had F.D.R.”)

Details are not used to explain and illustrate the 1940s effectively. Details could include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations to bring the writer’s ideas to life. (“Even thought his occasion is the hardest time in the Untied State of America it's cotains the greatest gerenation of American ever.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure, introduction, or conclusion; in addition, there is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“The 1940s is consider the hardest time to live in the United States due to the war and the Great Depression. Even thought his occasion is the hardest time in the Untied State of America it's cotains the greatest gerenation of American ever.”)

Transitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“There was the greatest amount of rich people all at once. The stock market crash and it didn't recover until world war 2. This time period also had one of the greatest president that the Untied States has ever had F.D.R.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“This is why this gerenation of Americans is consider the greatest that has ever lived.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentences are short. (“There was the greatest amount of rich people all at once. The stock market crash and it didn't recover until world war 2.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“Even thought his occasion is the hardest time in the Untied State of America it's cotains the greatest gerenation of American ever.”)

The writer relies on simple sentences and word choices. (“This time period also had one of the greatest president that the Untied States has ever had F.D.R. This is why this gerenation of Americans is consider the greatest that has ever lived.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Many authors, especially African-American writers such as Alex Haley and Langston Hughes, have used their works to discuss what it truly means to be an American during their lifetimes. Think about this issue and what it means in your own life. In a multi-paragraph essay using details from your own life experiences, explain what you feel makes a person an American.

Model Essay

Being an American is about more than identifying with other people living on the same continent; it is a state of mind broadened and cultivated by the freedoms granted to us throughout the course of American history. In our own Bill of Rights, Preamble, and Constitution, our rights are clearly laid out for us. As John Locke and fellow revolutionaries stated, people are entitled to the protection of life, liberty, property, and the pursuit of happiness. As Americans, we are presented each day with new and fascinating opportunities that, incorporated with our freedoms, help us to strive for the ultimately best life possible.

Frequently described as a “melting pot,” America also encompasses the eclectic nature of many backgrounds. Being an American is about learning in many respects: how to break through cultural stereotypes, to obtain as much factual knowledge as possible, and to grow as people through participation and service. Our freedoms, rights, cultural diversity, and contribution to America’s services define who we are as Americans.

In our first amendment alone, we are granted the right to freedom of speech, petition, religion, and press. Within these crucial liberties comes a responsibility of every citizen to challenge the government, seek knowledge, and implore for our natural rights. Before the Revolutionary War, speaking up against King George III was considered treason, but through the conviction and heart of the colonists of that time, we were able to gain our freedom of dialogue. One of the biggest freedoms granted to us today is the unparalleled acceptance of all people to pursue education. In our environment today, making sure that children become educated is of a highest concern since through education, people are able to seek opportunities to achieve a better life style. From the beginning, America has been a self-made country, and through hard work, each man or woman is capable of accomplishing their own personal best.

Another thing that makes America and its residents exceptional is the plethora of cultural diversity found throughout the country. Contrary to the nature of some homogeneous countries, America is laden with many different cultures, races, religions, and beliefs. In this fusion of advanced society comes much knowledge and a vast worldly acceptance. As Americans, we are given equal rights despite sex, race, or ethnicity. While in other countries, women are suppressed, denied their right to education, and forced to succumb to the will of their male superiors, in America, women are granted equal respect and privilege. Throughout the years, America has become a haven for communities filled with different traditions. In many cultural centers of the world, there are outlets such as “Chinatown,” “Little Havana,” and, more commonly, restaurants that provide a clear view into the customs, food, and social mores that are exhibited around the world. A key attribute of Americans is the possibility to live free of judgment regarding other cultures.

Being an American is also about having the right to participate in different forms of government and service. At 18 years old, every citizen is capable of voting for Congressional, Presidential, and state representatives. In this form of democracy, every person is granted an equal voice in terms of

representation. President Lincoln said that a government “of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish.” This government was made on the premises of that all men are created equal and with each vote, it shows that America stands united for the common purpose of betterment. Another form of participation is under our volunteer organizations including the U.S. Army, Navy, Marine Corps, and

National Guard Reserve where valiant sentry members risk their lives each day to protect their country and those living in it. We also have thousands of government sponsored officials including firemen, policemen, and public school teachers who help protect and improve the country we all call home.

As the land of the free and the home of the brave, America’s success was built from the sweat and mental fortitude of every man that has at one point or another resided on our soil. Our amendments and freedoms grant each man an opportunity to help make the country a better place. In a country based on meritocracy, those who work the hardest are the ones capable of seizing the plentiful opportunities offered in different forms of services. Under this theory where those who do the best job get rewarded, other cultures with different developments are given the chance to share their knowledge with this country in return for new opportunities. As Americans, we have an obligation to live each day with conviction in order to make sure that our country stands as the best it can possibly be.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits strong focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful, controlling idea while demonstrating a thorough understanding of purpose and audience. (“Being an American is about learning in many respects: how to break through cultural stereotypes, to obtain as much factual knowledge as possible, and to grow as people through participation and service. Our freedoms, rights, cultural diversity, and contribution to America’s services define who we are as Americans.”) The writer effectively completes all parts of the task.

Content & Development

The content of this essay is well developed and effectively supports the writer’s position. The writer illustrates his/her ideas in a comprehensive manner using a wide variety of appropriate details. (“Throughout the years, America has become a haven for communities filled with different traditions. In many cultural centers of the world, there are outlets such as ‘Chinatown,’ ‘Little Havana,’ and, more commonly, restaurants that provide a clear view into the customs, food, and social mores that are exhibited around the world. A key attribute of Americans is the possibility to live free of judgment regarding other cultures.”)

Organization

This essay is very effectively organized. The five-paragraph structure contains an engaging introduction and insightful conclusion, which results in bringing the writer’s composition full-circle. (“Being an American is about more than identifying with other people living on the same continent; it is a state of mind broadened and cultivated by the freedoms granted to us throughout the course of American

history….As Americans, we have an obligation to live each day with conviction in order to make sure that our country stands as the best it can possibly be.”) The writer’s body paragraphs are cohesive with

evidence of topic sentences and sophisticated use of transitions between paragraphs. (“In our first

amendment alone, we are granted the right to freedom of speech, petition, religion, and press…. Another thing that makes America and its residents exceptional is the plethora of cultural diversity found throughout the country.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer of this essay demonstrates very effective use of language and style. Precise language, a defined voice, and an unmistakable sense of audience are evident to the reader of this essay; in addition, sentences are well structured and varied. (“One of the biggest freedoms granted to us today is the unparalleled acceptance of all people to pursue education. In our environment today, making sure that children become educated is of a highest concern since through education, people are able to seek opportunities to achieve a better life style. From the beginning, America has been a self-made country, and through hard work, each man or woman is capable of accomplishing their own personal best.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This writer maintains effective control over conventions and mechanics. The essay itself reveals few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. (“In our own Bill of Rights, Preamble, and Constitution, our rights are clearly laid out for us. As John Locke and fellow revolutionaries stated, people are entitled to the protection of life, liberty, property, and the pursuit of happiness. As Americans, we are presented each day with new and fascinating opportunities that, incorporated with our freedoms, help us to strive for the ultimately best life possible.”)

Model Essay

Countless authors have described what it means to be an American in their works. What makes a person a United States citizen is more than being born here or becoming naturalized. A proud American citizen embraces cultural diversity, exhibits patriotism, and is involved in the matters of society.

America is a melting pot of people and their traditions. An American needs to experience other cultures. There are an abundance of world festivals every year in the States that usually have free admission. These events enable a person to experience the world without leaving their town. It is beneficial to learn new language as well. In the last fifty years, many Hispanics and Asians have legally found a home in America. Although these newcomers know how to speak English, it is always comforting when another person speaks to these people in their home language. In order to embrace cultural diversity, an American strives for peace. They make friends with people of different ethnicities, and see past the race of another person. Since racism still exists in the world today, it is imperative for American parents to teach their children how to accept people from all over the world. A person can not truly be an American if they disrespect the cultures of other countries, since numerous Americans have come from all over the world.

It is vital for an American to love their country. There are countless ways a United States citizen can

display patriotism. Thousands of courageous men and women serve in America’s armed forces. The book of John, chapter fifteen, verse thirteen of the Bible wisely states, “Greater love has no one that this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.” This quote applies to all of the American soldiers serving or one’s that have served in the Middle East and previous wars, because they are laying down their lives for not only their friends, but their entire country. The sacrifices the troops have made for the United States is the best form of patriotism. A person may also become an elected official in their town, state, or the national government. This option is a terrific way for any American to serve their country and have an impact on many people. A citizen of the United States has civic duties to perform that show patriotism in the easiest way possible. A true American finds great importance in voting because they know their voice will be heard when picking a leader for their government. An American also follows the laws made by our government. Laws keep the country from being thrown in to chaos, and help protect citizens, therefore, by following the laws an American is helping to protect other people.

Lastly, an American citizen is up to date on the events happening in society. An innumerable amount of people in America volunteer in their communities. Many volunteers help solve prevalent issues. Since most Hispanic aliens do not speak English, there are volunteers who teach them to do so. Other citizens devote some time to the Red Cross, which is one of the oldest nonprofit foundations in America. A majority of the United States citizens simply stay informed. They know what actions the government is taking on issues that are important to the people, and can find out if there is any act of kindness they can do to benefit the community. Ever person in the United States needs to act on the words of former president, John F.

Kennedy, when he famously articulated, “Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country.”

On the whole, a true American is more than a citizen of the United States. What makes a person an American is the ability to enjoy diverse cultures. They show love for their prosperous country, and stay

involved with society. The real Americans who embody these aspects are the people who contribute to America’s greatness.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits good focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains a clear, controlling idea while demonstrating a general understanding of purpose and audience. (“What makes a person a United States citizen is more than being born here or becoming naturalized. A proud American citizen embraces cultural diversity, exhibits patriotism, and is involved in the matters of society.”) The writer completes all parts of the task.

Content & Development

This essay includes good content and thoughtful development. The writer develops his/her ideas in a clear manner using sufficient and appropriate details. (“In order to embrace cultural diversity, an American strives for peace. They make friends with people of different ethnicities, and see past the race of another person. Since racism still exists in the world today, it is imperative for American parents to teach their children how to accept people from all over the world. A person can not truly be an American if they

disrespect the cultures of other countries, since numerous Americans have come from all over the world.”)

Organization

This essay is well organized and cohesive. The five-paragraph structure demonstrates unity with an introduction, conclusion, and some evidence of transition. Most importantly, topic sentences are evident and sequential in relation to the writer’s original thesis, thus contributing to the clarity of this essay.

(“America is a melting pot of people and their traditions…. It is vital for an American to love their country…. Lastly, an American citizen is up to date on the events happening in society.”)

Language Use & Style

There is good use of language and style in this essay. The writer uses appropriate language with evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. Sentences are well structured with some variety. (“A citizen of the United States has civic duties to perform that show patriotism in the easiest way possible. A true American finds great importance in voting because they know their voice will be heard when picking a leader for their government. An American also follows the laws made by our government.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates good control of conventions and mechanics. The essay does exhibit some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling; however, these minor errors do not interfere with the

writer’s message. (“An American also follows the laws made by our government. Laws keep the country from being thrown in to chaos, and help protect citizens, therefore, by following the laws an American is helping to protect other people.”)

Model Essay

What makes a person an American? A lot of people might say that their blood line makes them a pure American, or that their political sensibilities makes them a proud and true American. However, I think that what makes me an American is my right to to live in a country where you are free. Some people may

disagree with my point of view by saying you really aren’t free of laws or responsibilities or obligations.

Although you do have to obey rules and regulations there is also a plethora of other things that make you an American other then being free.

First, supporting our troops, police officers, coast guard, and firemen who keep our country safe makes an American. I am an American by making sure that I respect the people who go over seas, or that helped out with 9-11, or that keep crime off the streets. I also make sure that I help out any way I can. Being an American does not mean that you have to be a perfect person in my book. Our country learns off of it’s mistakes and takes these examples from centuries ago, or just a few short years back, and puts them into our history books and makes sure that we learn from them every day we go to school. Knowing that people have sacrificed so much to makes all of the American’s we are today. Free.

Another thing that makes me an American is that I am able to get a free and full education. I don’t have to do child labor or any other dangerous and corrupted laws. I am able to have what every other child or teenager should have. I think that my education is a very big part of being an American. Without it, how would I be able to be a successful citizen in our great country. If I could give everyone the education that I am getting here today, then I would be accomplishing something amazing. Being born in America and being able to have all the opportunity that come with it is a great part of what makes me an American.

Also something that makes me an American is that I am able to choose who I want to be when I graduate from high school. I could be an astronaut, or a teacher, or even a zoologist. The point is because of me being an American I can have opportunities that some countries don’t. I have clan water and food that is

not infested with bugs and disease. So what makes a person an America? Choices, rights, and freedom? Or the hard work of many people who have put hard work into making our country what it is so we can be who we are. I think that our hearts makes us an American, no matter if we were born there.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay maintains adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes a controlling idea and

demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience. (“However, I think that what makes me an American is my right to to live in a country where you are free. Some people may disagree with my point of view by saying you really aren’t free of laws or responsibilities or obligations. Although you do

have to obey rules and regulations there is also a plethora of other things that make you an American other then being free.”) The writer completes many parts of the task.

Content & Development

The content and development of this essay are adequate. The writer’s ideas are developed using sufficient and relevant details. (“Also something that makes me an American is that I am able to choose who I want to be when I graduate from high school. I could be an astronaut, or a teacher, or even a zoologist. The point is because of me being an American I can have opportunities that some countries don’t.”)

Organization

The organization of this four-paragraph essay is adequate. The essay exhibits a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. (“What makes a person an American? A lot of people might say that their blood line makes them a pure American, or that their political sensibilities makes them a proud and true American…. I think that our hearts makes us an American, no matter if we were born

there.”) There is also evidence of transitions and paragraphing devices within this essay. (“First, supporting our troops, police officers, coast guard, and firemen who keep our country safe makes an

American…. Another thing that makes me an American is that I am able to get a free and full education.”)

Language Use & Style

This writer’s use of language and style is adequate. Appropriate language and word choice, with an awareness of audience and control of voice, is apparent within this essay. Sentence structure is generally

correct with some variety. (“So what makes a person an America? Choices, rights, and freedom? Or the hard work of many people who have put hard work into making our country what it is so we can be who we are.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is adequate control of mechanics and conventions within this essay. There are some errors relating to grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the

communication of the writer’s message. (“Although you do have to obey rules and regulations there is also a plethora of other things that make you an American other then being free….Our country learns off of it’s mistakes….”)

Model Essay

What it means to be an American is to have things that other countries and places may not get to have. Being an American means that you get to have freedom that some people do not or that they will not get. Americans have rights and freedoms which we use live by. We get to say what we want when we want do almost anything we want and get away with it. If we did not hav these freedoms and rights then we would not be full Americans but these are not what just defines us. As Americans there are other things too.

Other things that define Americans are our ethnicity and diverseness like how we treat all races equally and respecfully, though not to a full degree do we respect one another but none the less we respect each other. Other things like our economy and government. Our economy is one of the best in the world and growing and will keep growing, to show us how we act as Americans and what we do as Americans and to show that we have economic control and lifestyle. Our government is one te best also though none really favor us, but beacuse of it we still have above average live because and without the government we would not have our rights and freedoms. One of the main things that makes us Americans and keeps us Americans is our love for our people, our counrty, and our life for though other places have these we add these to our daily lifestyle one thing most places do not do even though tey might say they do.

Now life as an American is also what helps define what being an American is like because life as an American is more then just going to work. For right now America and other places are at economic downfall and jobs are going fast but as always as an Amercan there are more jobs to spare then other places and better paying with better benefits. America also has some of the best pastimes and sports and we love them and probably do them everyday witch also seperates us a Americans. Well those are some of things in an American’s life and thats what it means to be an Anerican.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay is limited in its focus and meaning. The writer establishes a controlling idea, but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience. (“We get to say what we want when we want do almost anything we want and get away with it. If we did not hav these freedoms and rights then we would not be

full Americans but these are not what just defines us. As Americans there are other things too.”) The writer only completes some parts of the task.

Content & Development

This essay’s content and development are limited. Ideas are developed briefly and inconsistently, using

insufficient details to support ideas. (“Other things that define Americans are our ethnicity and diverseness like how we treat all races equally and respecfully, though not to a full degree do we respect one another but none the less we respect each other. Other things like our economy and government. Our economy is

one of the best in the world and growing and will keep growing, to show us how we act as Americans and what we do as Americans and to show that we have economic control and lifestyle.”)

Organization

This three-paragraph essay demonstrates limited organization. There is some evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. The essay is not cohesive and lacks appropriate use of transitional devices. (“Other things that define Americans are our ethnicity and diverseness…. Now life as an

American is also what helps define what being an American….”)

Language Use & Style

This essay is limited in its use of language and style. It demonstrates simple language and word choice with some awareness of audience. The essay also relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety. (“One of the main things that makes us Americans and keeps us Americans is our love for our people, our counrty, and our life for though other places have these we add these to our daily lifestyle one thing most places do not do even though tey might say they do.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is limited control of mechanics and conventions in this essay. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

(“America also has some of the best pastimes and sports and we love them and probably do them everyday witch also seperates us a Americans. Well those are some of things in an American’s life and thats what it means to be an Anerican.”)

Model Essay

What being an American to me is more than just a person living in a country. In America you are free to do what ever you want. You have rights, in other countries poeple would die for. Having the opportunity to do what you want, and chasing all of your dreams is necassary in America. Living the life in a democracy has many advantags. No matter what color, race or religion you are, you are treated equally.

America is made up of leaders, searching for a better tomorrow. Our president must be trustworthy with qualities that go beyond normality. Freedom is a very important part of America. Being able to say what you want and chosing your religion just barely hits the surface of what America is all about. Picking our jobs, schools, and homes is the true meaning of freedom. In America our support is the troops, they protect us so we can keep our freedom and be safe. Safety is also very important

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits minimal focus and meaning. The writer suggests a controlling idea, but demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience. (“What being an American to me is more than just a person living in a country. In America you are free to do what ever you want. You have rights, in other

countries poeple would die for.”) The writer completes few parts of the task.

Content & Development

This essay’s content is minimally developed. The writer develops his/her ideas inadequately and

incompletely, using few details to support ideas. (“Picking our jobs, schools, and homes is the true

meaning of freedom. In America our support is the troops, they protect us so we can keep our freedom and be safe. Safety is also very important.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates minimal organization. There is little evidence of an introduction and conclusion, and the essay also lacks appropriate paragraphing and transitional devices. (“What being an American to me is more than just a person living in a country….America is made up of leaders, searching for a better tomorrow.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in this essay is minimal. Poor language and word choice, with little awareness of audience, is demonstrated. There is also evidence of basic errors in sentence structure, word choice, and usage. (“In America our support is the troops, they protect us so we can keep our freedom and be safe. Safety is also very important.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Minimal control of conventions and mechanics is shown in this essay, as there are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. (“You have rights, in other countries poeple would die for. Having the opportunity to do what you want, and chasing all of your dreams is necassary in America.”)

Model Essay

Being an American to me is good and bad in some ways. The freedom part is chill, but the fact that our leader and the people we look up to is scary! Whats behind the people that lead our country? Are they crooks or just ordinary human beins? Like police officers there are time after time when a cop turns on their lights on to get through the red light.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of this essay are inadequate. The writer fails to establish a controlling idea and

demonstrates no understanding of purpose or audience. The writer does not complete the task. (“Being an American to me is good and bad in some ways. The freedom part is chill, but the fact that our leader and

the people we look up to is scary! Whats behind the people that lead our country?”)

Content & Development

This essay exhibits inadequate development of content. The writer fails to develop ideas and does not use meaningful details to support his/her ideas. (“Whats behind the people that lead our country? Are they crooks or just ordinary human beins? Like police officers there are time after time when a cop turns on their lights on to get through the red light.”)

Organization

This essay’s organization is inadequate, as it only consists of one paragraph without a formal introduction or conclusion. There is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices. (“Being an American to me is good and bad in some ways. The freedom part is chill, but the fact that our leader and the people we look up to is scary! Whats behind the people that lead our country? Are they crooks or just ordinary human

beins? Like police officers there are time after time when a cop turns on their lights on to get through the red light.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style in this essay is inadequate. The essay exhibits incoherent language and little awareness of audience. (“Being an American to me is good and bad in some ways. The freedom part is chill, but the fact that our leader and the people we look up to is scary! Whats behind the people that lead our country? Are they crooks or just ordinary human beins? Like police officers there are time after time when a cop turns on their lights on to get through the red light.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates an inadequate control of conventions and mechanics. The errors contained within this essay significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. (“Whats behind the people that lead our country? Are they crooks or just ordinary human beins? Like police officers there are time after time when a cop turns on their lights on to get through the red light.”)

World War I was considered a major turning point in history. Among other things, the war changed the nature of warfare, the map of Europe, and the outlook of modern society.

In a well-developed essay, describe World War I as a major turning point in modern history. Include facts and details to support your description.

Model Essay

World War I was decided by historians as the beginning of the modern era, 1914 to the present, and a major turning point in human history because it changed the way wars were fought, shaped the new face of the entire European continent, and began a campaign for a system of United Nations worldwide to keep the peace. The humble beginnings of the Great War in Serbia, which first was predicted to only be a small civil war, quickly erupted into a massive battle of choosing sides and alliances; this would eventually cause the conflict to earn the name "World War." Not only did this fighting affect the world as it was happening, but this war served as a predecessor to a worse yet war to come.

In the age before modern rapid-fire machine guns, hundreds and sometimes thousands of men would line up next to each other and fire a single musket round at the enemy; following this would be the line of men scrambling to reload their one-shot rifles, which could sometimes take up to two minutes per single round. Everything about this form of combat was shattered in the Great War; with the introduction of machine guns, entirely new combat methods had to rise to defend against guns able to fire hundreds of rounds per minute. Thus, the art of trench warfare was invented and perfected by both sides of the conflict. With the invention of this new combat, the face of war was changed forever. In addition to the invention and use of machine guns, other vital technology used today was also taking its first baby steps, such as anti-air cannons, poison gas and gas masks, and new submarines and torpedoes. This large array of new technology would affect every war to follow, making mankind even more of a danger to one another.

Before the Great War, most of Europe was "behind the times" in that it was covered in kingdoms, empires, and monarchies. At the beginning of the war in 1914, the Ottoman Empire still ruled most of the Middle East, the Kingdom of Austria-Hungary controlled most of southeastern Europe, the Kingdom of Germany controlled much of central Europe, and the Russian Empire controlled most of Eastern Europe. After the war, however, the maps of Europe would be as different as night and day. Soon after the Allies' victory in the War, an agreement had to be made to divide these kingdoms and empires to weaken them and to give liberty to the peoples who were being oppressed. The Kingdom of Austria-Hungary was split into multiple nations, including Austria, Hungary, Czechoslovakia, and Yugoslavia. The Ottoman Empire, although mostly in the Middle East, was divided into mandates, or colonies, which the Allies would control until they too could be self-sufficient nations. Germany had hundreds of square miles in territory removed and the western part of the Russian Empire was split into Lithuania, Poland, Finland, and Latvia. One of the world's seven continents had received a makeover, changing the world for the future to come.

The then United States president, Woodrow Wilson, had drawn up his Fourteen Points for Peace and was ready to negotiate for them during the writing of the Treaty of Versailles. However, the other Allies were quick to dismiss most of his points; but, the last and perhaps most important point survived the onslaught and made it into world law: a proposed union between the world's powerful nations in order to prevent future conflict on the scale of the Great War. This proposal became the League of Nations, which was the first real attempt at a maintained world peace. Although the League itself was ineffective and the United States never joined, it paved the road for future possibilities, including the future founding of today's organization, the United Nations. For the future development of the world, the establishment of the League

was vital, else the United Nations was never formed and many countries would go without relief in today's world.

Often referred to as the Great War, the First World War certainly was great; though not literally "great," the impact of the war on our world certainly was. The shift to new technology revolutionized warfare, the formation of new countries changed the face of Europe forever, and the formation of the League of Nations began the campaign for world peace. The world as it is would be extremely different if the events of World War I had never happened; whether the war had an overall positive or negative effect always will be up for debate. For certain, however, the world would never be the same after 1914.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience. The writer effectively completes all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task. Notably, the writer leaves the readers with a clear picture of some of the ways World War I became a turning point in world history.

The writer’s introduction engages the readers’ attention by providing background information and a clearly stated thesis. (“World War I was decided by historians as the beginning of the modern era, 1914 to the present, and a major turning point in human history because it changed the way wars were fought, shaped the new face of the entire European continent, and began a campaign for a system of United Nations worldwide to keep the peace. The humble beginnings of the Great War in Serbia, which first was predicted to only be a small civil war, quickly erupted into a massive battle of choosing sides and alliances; this would eventually cause the conflict to earn the name ‘World War.’ Not only did this fighting affect the world as it was happening, but this war served as a predecessor to a worse yet war to come.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. (“In the age before modern rapid-fire machine guns, hundreds and sometimes thousands of men would line up next to each other and fire a single musket round at the enemy; following this would be the line of men scrambling to reload their one-shot rifles, which could sometimes take up to two minutes per single round. Everything about this form of combat was shattered in the Great War; with the introduction of machine guns, entirely new combat methods had to rise to defend against guns able to fire hundreds of rounds per minute. Thus, the art of trench warfare was invented and perfected by both sides of the conflict. With the invention of this new combat, the face of war was changed forever. In addition to the invention and use of machine guns, other vital technology used today was also taking its first baby steps, such as anti-air cannons, poison gas and gas masks, and new submarines and torpedoes. This large array of new technology would affect

every war to follow, making mankind even more of a danger to one another.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“After the war, however, the maps of Europe would be as different as night and day. Soon after the Allies' victory in the War, an agreement had to be made to divide these kingdoms and empires to weaken them and to give liberty to the peoples who were being oppressed. The Kingdom of Austria-Hungary was split into multiple nations, including Austria, Hungary, Czechoslovakia, and Yugoslavia. The Ottoman Empire, although mostly in the Middle East, was divided into mandates, or colonies, which the Allies would control until they too could be self-sufficient nations. Germany had hundreds of square miles in territory removed and the western part of the Russian Empire was split into Lithuania, Poland, Finland, and Latvia. One of the world's seven continents had received a makeover, changing the world for the future to come.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully, using a wide variety of appropriate details to support ideas.

Relevant points explain and illustrate each of the writer’s main ideas very effectively. (“The then United States president, Woodrow Wilson, had drawn up his Fourteen Points for Peace and was ready to negotiate for them during the writing of the Treaty of Versailles. However, the other Allies were quick to dismiss most of his points; but, the last and perhaps most important point survived the onslaught and made it into world law: a proposed union between the world's powerful nations in order to prevent future conflict on the scale of the Great War. This proposal became the League of Nations, which was the first real attempt at a maintained world peace. Although the League itself was ineffective and the United States never joined, it paved the road for future possibilities, including the future founding of today's organization, the United Nations. For the future development of the world, the establishment of the League was vital, else the United Nations was never formed and many countries would go without relief in today's world.”)

The content included in the essay supports the writer’s main ideas and reflects an emphasis on the requirements of the prompt task. (“In the age before modern rapid-fire machine guns, hundreds and

sometimes thousands of men would line up next to each other and fire a single musket round at the enemy; following this would be the line of men scrambling to reload their one-shot rifles, which could sometimes take up to two minutes per single round. Everything about this form of combat was shattered in the Great War; with the introduction of machine guns, entirely new combat methods had to rise to defend against guns able to fire hundreds of rounds per minute. Thus, the art of trench warfare was invented and perfected by both sides of the conflict. With the invention of this new combat, the face of war was changed

forever.”)

Specific information about pre- and post-World War I geography is developed very effectively. (“Before the Great War, most of Europe was ‘behind the times’ in that it was covered in kingdoms, empires, and monarchies. At the beginning of the war in 1914, the Ottoman Empire still ruled most of the Middle East, the Kingdom of Austria-Hungary controlled most of southeastern Europe, the Kingdom of Germany controlled much of central Europe, and the Russian Empire controlled most of Eastern Europe. After the war, however, the maps of Europe would be as different as night and day. Soon after the Allies' victory in the War, an agreement had to be made to divide these kingdoms and empires to weaken them and to give

liberty to the peoples who were being oppressed. The Kingdom of Austria-Hungary was split into multiple nations, including Austria, Hungary, Czechoslovakia, and Yugoslavia. The Ottoman Empire, although mostly in the Middle East, was divided into mandates, or colonies, which the Allies would control until they too could be self-sufficient nations. Germany had hundreds of square miles in territory removed and the western part of the Russian Empire was split into Lithuania, Poland, Finland, and Latvia. One of the world's seven continents had received a makeover, changing the world for the future to come.”)

Organization

The writer effectively captures the readers’ attention in the introduction with relevant information and a foreshadowing of historic events to come. (“World War I was decided by historians as the beginning of the modern era, 1914 to the present, and a major turning point in human history because it changed the way wars were fought, shaped the new face of the entire European continent, and began a campaign for a system of United Nations worldwide to keep the peace. The humble beginnings of the Great War in Serbia, which first was predicted to only be a small civil war, quickly erupted into a massive battle of choosing

sides and alliances; this would eventually cause the conflict to earn the name ‘World War.’ Not only did this fighting affect the world as it was happening, but this war served as a predecessor to a worse yet war to come.”)

Subtle transitions are used effectively to connect ideas between paragraphs and between sentences. (“At the beginning of the war in 1914, the Ottoman Empire still ruled most of the Middle East, the Kingdom of Austria-Hungary controlled most of southeastern Europe, the Kingdom of Germany controlled much of central Europe, and the Russian Empire controlled most of Eastern Europe. After the war, however, the maps of Europe would be as different as night and day. Soon after the Allies' victory in the War, an

agreement had to be made to divide these kingdoms and empires to weaken them and to give liberty to the peoples who were being oppressed.”)

The writer includes an ending that reiterates the main ideas and provides the readers with a sense of

closure. (“Often referred to as the Great War, the First World War certainly was great; though not literally ‘great,’ the impact of the war on our world certainly was. The shift to new technology revolutionized warfare, the formation of new countries changed the face of Europe forever, and the formation of the League of Nations began the campaign for world peace. The world as it is would be extremely different if the events of World War I had never happened; whether the war had an overall positive or negative effect always will be up for debate. For certain, however, the world would never be the same after 1914.”)

Language Use & Style

adds to the effectiveness of the writer’s response.

The writer chooses descriptive words to effectively describe the Treaty of Versailles and its implications. (“The then United States president, Woodrow Wilson, had drawn up his Fourteen Points for Peace and was ready to negotiate for them during the writing of the Treaty of Versailles. However, the other Allies were quick to dismiss most of his points; but, the last and perhaps most important point survived the onslaught and made it into world law: a proposed union between the world's powerful nations in order to prevent future conflict on the scale of the Great War. This proposal became the League of Nations, which was the first real attempt at a maintained world peace. Although the League itself was ineffective and the United States never joined, it paved the road for future possibilities, including the future founding of today's

organization, the United Nations.”)

The writer’s informative style gives the readers a clear picture of the ways World War I became a turning point in world history. (“Soon after the Allies' victory in the War, an agreement had to be made to divide these kingdoms and empires to weaken them and to give liberty to the peoples who were being oppressed. The Kingdom of Austria-Hungary was split into multiple nations, including Austria, Hungary, Czechoslovakia, and Yugoslavia. The Ottoman Empire, although mostly in the Middle East, was divided into mandates, or colonies, which the Allies would control until they too could be self-sufficient nations. Germany had hundreds of square miles in territory removed and the western part of the Russian Empire was split into Lithuania, Poland, Finland, and Latvia. One of the world's seven continents had received a makeover, changing the world for the future to come.”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice throughout the essay response. (“In the age before modern rapid-fire machine guns, hundreds and sometimes thousands of men would line up next to each other and fire a single musket round at the enemy; following this would be the line of men scrambling to reload their one-shot rifles, which could sometimes take up to two minutes per single round. Everything about this form of combat was shattered in the Great War; with the introduction of machine guns, entirely new combat methods had to rise to defend against guns able to fire hundreds of rounds per minute. Thus, the art of trench warfare was invented and perfected by both sides of the conflict. With the invention of this new

combat, the face of war was changed forever.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“World War I was decided by historians as the beginning of the modern era, 1914 to the present, and a major turning point in human history because it changed the way wars were fought, shaped the new face of the entire European continent, and began a campaign for a system of United Nations worldwide to keep the peace. The humble beginnings of the Great War in Serbia, which first was predicted to only be a small civil war, quickly

erupted into a massive battle of choosing sides and alliances; this would eventually cause the conflict to earn the name ‘World War.’”)

Model Essay

World War I, from 1914 to 1918, was considered a major turning point in history because of the way that the war changed the nature of modern warfare, the map of Europe, and the outlook of modern society towards war. World War I was fought between the Allies (the U. S., Great Britain, France, Russia, and Italy) and the Central Powers (Germany, Austria-Hungary, and the Ottoman Empire). The largest and the bloodiest conflict of the time, World War I included nations from all over the world, hence the name World War. Also known as the Great War, World War I was so devastating because of improved technology and tactics, which is part of the reason as to why there were so many casualties. After World War I was won by the Allies, and the Treaty of Versailles was signed, it marked the beginning of a new era in modern history.

World War I occurred at what you could say would be the perfect time for a military to test their powers. Airplanes, submarines, and tanks along with machine guns, poison gas, and artillery would all be used in the many battles that took place during the war. The new technology was the main reason World War I was so devastating. Another major reason for the extreme number of casualties throughout the war was that a new tactic was being used called trench warfare. Trench warfare was a type of warfare were the two enemy armies would start digging a network of maze like trenches which the soldiers would camp out in these trenches for months on end. In between the two systems of trenches would be an area called "no man's land" which was usually barren after the extreme amount of artillery shells that had been dropped on it. At certain points groups of soldiers would climb over their own trenches and rush across "no man's land" in an attempt to storm the enemy's trenches. Then afterwards the enemy would send one of their own groups of soldiers in a counterattack. This type of warfare caused the Allies' forces and the Central Powers forces to be locked in a stalemate which lasted up to years.

At the end of World War I, Europe was left in a devastated state which was only worsened by the amount of people and ethnic groups that wanted to earn their own independence. After the signing of the Treaty of Versailles in 1918, many new countries were formed out of the remains of the Austria-Hungary Empire, the Ottoman Empire, and the many mile of land that was taken from Germany after their defeat as well as some lands that were from Russia. From the area near East Germany and Western Russia countries like Estonia, Latvia, and Lithuania were formed. The Austrian-Hungary Empire became Austria, Hungary, Czechoslovakia, Yugoslavia, and Albania. Many of these new countries had long been fighting for their independence from their rulers and after the conclusion of World War I they achieved it.

After World War I reached its conclusion, many people were exhausted from the effort that the war took and looked forward to the quietness of peace. The amount of civilian casualties in World War I was higher than any war that had preceded it, which resulted in many people feeling the effects of the war like they never had before. This caused the people to see war with less of a glorious outlook and instead they saw the true effects that the war had upon the whole continent. After the end of the war President Woodrow Wilson put forth his 14 points system at the signing of the Treaty of Versailles. The 14 Points were steps that could be taken to make sure that another world war would never take place. One of the Points was the establishment of an international league designated to keep the peace: this became known as the League of Nations. Although the League had no influence in the countries that were not a part of it, the league was the first step towards long term peace.

It is easy to see why many people consider the First World War to be a major turning point in history because without it, the time that took place after it wouldn't have been the same. The war changed the way future wars would be fought through different tactics and the advancement of technologies used during the war such as U-Boats, airplanes, machine guns, and tanks. The war also succeeded in changing many people's opinions towards war because of the extreme number of casualties, military and citizens alike.

Without the war many of the countries that were able to gain independence after the Central Powers collapse would not have been able to achieve that independence. World War I will always be considered one of the most important events of the 20th century because of its major impact on history.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the essay. He/she establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience.

Consequently, most parts of the prompt task are satisfied.

The writer’s introduction grabs the readers’ attention by providing background information and asserting a thesis statement that will drive the essay through its entirety. (“World War I, from 1914 to 1918, was considered a major turning point in history because of the way that the war changed the nature of modern warfare, the map of Europe, and the outlook of modern society towards war. World War I was fought between the Allies (the U. S., Great Britain, France, Russia, and Italy) and the Central Powers (Germany, Austria-Hungary, and the Ottoman Empire). The largest and the bloodiest conflict of the time, World War I included nations from all over the world, hence the name World War. Also known as the Great War, World War I was so devastating because of improved technology and tactics, which is part of the reason as to why there were so many casualties. After World War I was won by the Allies, and the Treaty of

Versailles was signed, it marked the beginning of a new era in modern history.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. (“After World War I reached its conclusion, many people were exhausted from the effort that the war took and looked forward to the quietness of peace. The amount of civilian casualties in World War I was higher than any war that had preceded it, which resulted in many people feeling the effects of the war like they never had before. This caused the people to see war with less of a glorious outlook and instead they saw the true effects that the war had upon the whole continent. After the end of the war President Woodrow Wilson put forth his 14 points system at the signing of the Treaty of Versailles. The 14 Points were steps that could be taken to make sure that another world war would never take place.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very well. (“World War I occurred at what you could say would be the perfect time for a military to test their powers. Airplanes, submarines, and tanks along with machine guns, poison gas, and artillery would all be used in the many battles that took place during the war. The new technology was the main reason World War I was so devastating. Another major reason for the extreme number of casualties throughout the war was that a new tactic was being used called trench warfare. Trench warfare was a type of warfare were the two enemy armies would start digging a network of maze like trenches which the soldiers would camp out in these trenches for months on end.”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient and appropriate details to support ideas.

The content in the body of the paragraphs includes a variety of details that explains each main idea. (“World War I occurred at what you could say would be the perfect time for a military to test their powers. Airplanes, submarines, and tanks along with machine guns, poison gas, and artillery would all be used in the many battles that took place during the war. The new technology was the main reason World War I was so devastating. Another major reason for the extreme number of casualties throughout the war was that a new tactic was being used called trench warfare. Trench warfare was a type of warfare were the two enemy armies would start digging a network of maze like trenches which the soldiers would camp out in

these trenches for months on end. In between the two systems of trenches would be an area called ‘no

man's land’ which was usually barren after the extreme amount of artillery shells that had been dropped on it.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea in the topic sentence.

(“After World War I reached its conclusion, many people were exhausted from the effort that the war took and looked forward to the quietness of peace. The amount of civilian casualties in World War I was higher than any war that had preceded it, which resulted in many people feeling the effects of the war like they never had before. This caused the people to see war with less of a glorious outlook and instead they saw the true effects that the war had upon the whole continent. After the end of the war President Woodrow Wilson put forth his 14 points system at the signing of the Treaty of Versailles. The 14 Points were steps that could be taken to make sure that another world war would never take place. One of the Points was the establishment of an international league designated to keep the peace: this became known as the League of Nations. Although the League had no influence in the countries that were not a part of it, the league was

the first step towards long term peace.”)

The details provided throughout the essay support the writer’s thesis and give the readers a fuller sense of the ways the First World War became a turning point in world history. (“At the end of World War I, Europe was left in a devastated state which was only worsened by the amount of people and ethnic groups that wanted to earn their own independence. After the signing of the Treaty of Versailles in 1918, many new countries were formed out of the remains of the Austria-Hungary Empire, the Ottoman Empire, and

the many mile of land that was taken from Germany after their defeat as well as some lands that were from Russia. From the area near East Germany and Western Russia countries like Estonia, Latvia, and Lithuania were formed. The Austrian-Hungary Empire became Austria, Hungary, Czechoslovakia, Yugoslavia, and Albania. Many of these new countries had long been fighting for their independence from their rulers and after the conclusion of World War I they achieved it.”)

Organization

The writer provides an effective introduction that includes relevant background information for the

intended audience. (“World War I, from 1914 to 1918, was considered a major turning point in history because of the way that the war changed the nature of modern warfare, the map of Europe, and the outlook of modern society towards war. World War I was fought between the Allies (the U. S., Great Britain, France, Russia, and Italy) and the Central Powers (Germany, Austria-Hungary, and the Ottoman Empire). The largest and the bloodiest conflict of the time, World War I included nations from all over the world, hence the name World War. Also known as the Great War, World War I was so devastating because of improved technology and tactics, which is part of the reason as to why there were so many casualties.

After World War I was won by the Allies, and the Treaty of Versailles was signed, it marked the beginning of a new era in modern history.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or sentences are used well. (“At the end of World War I, Europe was left in a devastated state which was only worsened by the amount of people and ethnic groups that wanted to earn their own independence. After the signing of the Treaty of Versailles in 1918, many new countries were formed out of the remains of the Austria-Hungary Empire, the Ottoman Empire, and the many mile of land that was taken from Germany after their defeat as well as some lands that were from Russia. From the area near East Germany and Western Russia countries like Estonia, Latvia, and Lithuania were formed.”)

The writer’s conclusion summarizes the many ways that the First World War became a turning point in world history and gives the readers a sense of closure. (“It is easy to see why many people consider the First World War to be a major turning point in history because without it, the time that took place after it wouldn't have been the same. The war changed the way future wars would be fought through different tactics and the advancement of technologies used during the war such as U-Boats, airplanes, machine guns, and tanks. The war also succeeded in changing many people's opinions towards war because of the extreme number of casualties, military and citizens alike. Without the war many of the countries that were able to gain independence after the Central Powers collapse would not have been able to achieve that

independence. World War I will always be considered one of the most important events of the 20th century because of its major impact on history.”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent. (“World War I occurred at what you could say would be the perfect time for a military to test their powers. Airplanes, submarines, and tanks along with machine guns, poison gas, and artillery would all be used in the many battles that took place during the war. The new technology was the main reason World War I was so devastating. Another major reason for the extreme number of casualties throughout the war was that a new tactic was being used called trench warfare. Trench warfare was a type of warfare were the two enemy armies would start digging a network of maze like trenches which the soldiers would camp out in these trenches for months on end.”)

Complex sentence structures and sentence variety add to the sophistication of the overall response. (“At the end of World War I, Europe was left in a devastated state which was only worsened by the amount of people and ethnic groups that wanted to earn their own independence. After the signing of the Treaty of Versailles in 1918, many new countries were formed out of the remains of the Austria-Hungary Empire, the Ottoman Empire, and the many mile of land that was taken from Germany after their defeat as well as some lands that were from Russia. From the area near East Germany and Western Russia countries like Estonia, Latvia, and Lithuania were formed. The Austrian-Hungary Empire became Austria, Hungary, Czechoslovakia, Yugoslavia, and Albania. Many of these new countries had long been fighting for their independence from their rulers and after the conclusion of World War I they achieved it.”)

The writer employs good word choices to describe the ways that World War I became a turning point in world history. (“After World War I reached its conclusion, many people were exhausted from the effort that the war took and looked forward to the quietness of peace. The amount of civilian casualties in World War I was higher than any war that had preceded it, which resulted in many people feeling the effects of the war like they never had before. This caused the people to see war with less of a glorious outlook and instead they saw the true effects that the war had upon the whole continent. After the end of the war President Woodrow Wilson put forth his 14 points system at the signing of the Treaty of Versailles. The 14 Points were steps that could be taken to make sure that another world war would never take place.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“It is easy to see why many people consider the First World War to be a major turning point in history because without it, the time that took place after it wouldn't have been the same. The war changed the way future wars would be fought through different tactics and the advancement of technologies used during the war such as U-Boats, airplanes, machine guns, and tanks.

The war also succeeded in changing many people's opinions towards war because of the extreme number of casualties, military and citizens alike.”)

Model Essay

World War One was a major turning point for the world. The war showed which countries would ally with others. It showed the strengths and weakness of the countries and their allies. Also the war helped end the discrimination in Germany against Jewish people. Overall, the war changed how countries view each other and changed how the countries make decisions that involve one another.

When World War One was just beginning two main forces started to emerge. The Allies which included Great Britain, France, Italy, Russia, and the United States and the Central Powers which included Germany, Austria-Hungary, the Ottoman Empire, and Bulgaria. Once these allies were formed it shows who would ally again if there were to be another war following this one. The allies were mainly based out of the European area, but also included the United States. This was important because this was the first time the United States appeared as a world power. Previously, the United States remained out of the League of Nation so they were not requested upon in a time of anther countries crisis. As for the Central Powers Hitler and Stalin emerged as leaders and the rest of the allied countries followed by example. Hitler ordered all the Jews to be sectioned of and sent to labor or death camps. He did this to try and create the perfect human being known as the "Aryan" race.

Furthermore, in World War One many new technological advances were made. Tanks were a major advance on the war front. The armored land-ships could be shot at and keep on moving forward, further advancing the front line. Another advantage that came around in World War One was the machine gun. This invention though not accurate shot enough bullets downrange to still be useful. Also Tactical Air support could fly above the ground troops of the opposing side and take pictures of troops and where they were moving to. Furthermore poison gas was created and could be thrown or dropped into enemy trenches. Most of the inventions were designed to help troops on the front lines but there were some that helped the women and children at home, such as the sanitary napkin. The napkin was thought of by nurses in the war and was used to soak up the blood, this helped from cross- contamination occurring. These advances played a major role in the war, and without them it could have ended up the same way.

Countries’ strengths and weaknesses were also exposed during the war. The British had a strong and fast naval fleet, along with many military command posts, throughout the island. The United States also had many readily equipped ground troops that could be sent to any of the allies that needed them. Even though the United States was far from the other countries involved, they were a major driving force in the war.

Germany had a massive air force but a weak navy due to the lack of an ocean front. Europe was a well rounded force to be reckoned with, they had no particular strength or weakness and could hold their own. The war also caused economic depressions fro the whole world. The United States went into the great depression after the war had ended. The depression in the US caused the world to fell into one too. Japans economy failed because they received most of their natural resources from the United States. and Europe went into a tail-spin due to the lack of trade with the United States and that started the depression in the European countries.

Overall World War One was a turning point in the war because of the changed world views. Countries made and broke treaties, pacts, and compromises. Certain countries allied with others and turned their backs on one another. Many advances were made that still exist today, though many improvements have been made. Mostly the war proved who would ally with who in the event of another war. The war though devastating for all parties involved, with out the war the world would not be the same as it is today.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The thesis statement presents the controlling idea of the essay and the point of view of the writer

adequately. (“World War One was a major turning point for the world. The war showed which countries would ally with others. It showed the strengths and weakness of the countries and their allies. Also the war helped end the discrimination in Germany against Jewish people. Overall, the war changed how countries view each other and changed how the countries make decisions that involve one another.”)

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The essay is devoted to informing the readers about some of the facets of World War I that made it a turning point in history. (“When World War One was just beginning two main forces started to emerge. The Allies which included Great Britain, France,

Italy, Russia, and the United States and the Central Powers which included Germany, Austria-Hungary, the Ottoman Empire, and Bulgaria. Once these allies were formed it shows who would ally again if there were to be another war following this one. The allies were mainly based out of the European area, but also included the United States. This was important because this was the first time the United States appeared as a world power. Previously, the United States remained out of the League of Nation so they were not requested upon in a time of anther countries crisis. As for the Central Powers Hitler and Stalin emerged as leaders and the rest of the allied countries followed by example.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“Countries’ strengths and weaknesses were also exposed during the war. The British had a strong and fast naval fleet, along with many military command posts, throughout the island. The United States also had many readily equipped ground troops that could be sent to any of the allies that needed them. Even though the United States was far from the other countries involved, they were a major driving force in the war.

Content & Development

In many portions of the essay, the development of ideas is adequate. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support. However, there are other areas of the essay where further development of ideas would enhance the overall effectiveness of the writer’s message.

The essay contains adequate details to illustrate some of the writer’s main ideas. (“When World War One was just beginning two main forces started to emerge. The Allies which included Great Britain, France, Italy, Russia, and the United States and the Central Powers which included Germany, Austria-Hungary, the Ottoman Empire, and Bulgaria. Once these allies were formed it shows who would ally again if there were to be another war following this one. The allies were mainly based out of the European area, but also included the United States. This was important because this was the first time the United States appeared as a world power.”)

The explanations and details used to develop the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. However, providing more specific details would enhance the writer’s descriptions of some of the ideas he/she

mentions about tactical air support and poisonous gas warfare. (“Tanks were a major advance on the war front. The armored land-ships could be shot at and keep on moving forward, further advancing the front line. Another advantage that came around in World War One was the machine gun. This invention though not accurate shot enough bullets downrange to still be useful. Also Tactical Air support could fly above the ground troops of the opposing side and take pictures of troops and where they were moving to. Furthermore poison gas was created and could be thrown or dropped into enemy trenches.”)

The writer provides some historical anecdotes that are relevant. (“Most of the inventions were designed to help troops on the front lines but there were some that helped the women and children at home, such as the sanitary napkin. The napkin was thought of by nurses in the war and was used to soak up the blood, this helped from cross- contamination occurring. These advances played a major role in the war, and without

them it could have ended up the same way.”)

Organization

There is adequate organization in the essay. The writer provides an interesting opening to the response that keeps the readers reading. The essay generally flows smoothly from one idea to another with adequate transitions to support sequential development.

The introduction contains a thesis statement that adequately asserts the writer’s ideas for the reasons that World War I was a major turning point in history. (“World War One was a major turning point for the world. The war showed which countries would ally with others. It showed the strengths and weakness of the countries and their allies. Also the war helped end the discrimination in Germany against Jewish people. Overall, the war changed how countries view each other and changed how the countries make

decisions that involve one another.”)

The writer incorporates some transitions to connect his/her ideas. (“Furthermore, in World War One many new technological advances were made. Tanks was a major advance on the war front. the armored land- ships could be shot at and keep on moving forward, further advancing the front line. Another advantage that came around in World War One was the machine gun. This invention though not accurate shot enough bullets downrange to still be useful. Also Tactical Air support could fly above the ground troops of the opposing side and take pictures of troops and where they were moving to. Furthermore poison gas was created and could be thrownor dropped into enemy trenches.”)

The writer’s conclusion adequately summarizes the main points of the response and leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“Overall World War One was a turning point in the war because of the changed world views. Countries made and broke treaties, pacts, and compromises. Certain countries allied with others and turned their backs on one another. Many advances were made that still exist today, though many improvements have been made. Mostly the war proved who would ally with who in the event of another war. The war though devastating for all parties involved, with out the war the world would not be the same as it is today.”)

Language Use & Style

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“The allies were mainly based out of the European area, but also included the United States. This was important because this was the first time the United States appeared as a world power. Previously, the United States remained out of the League of Nation so they were not requested upon in a time of anther countries crisis. As for the Central Powers Hitler and Stalin emerged as leaders and the rest of the allied countries followed by example.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the essay. (“Countries’ strengths and weaknesses were also exposed during the war. The British had a strong and fast naval fleet, along with many military command posts, throughout the island. The United States also had many readily equipped ground troops that could be sent to any of the allies that needed them. Even though the United States was far from the other countries involved, they were a major driving force in the war. Germany had a massive air force but a weak navy due to the lack of an ocean front. Europe was a well rounded force to be reckoned with, they had no particular strength or weakness and could hold their own.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure that sentences have subject-verb agreement, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences begin with capital letters, word selections are spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs are indicated with line breaks. (“Even though the United States was far from the other countries involved, they were a major driving force in the war. Germany had a massive air force but a weak navy due to the lack of an ocean front. Europe was a well rounded force to be reckoned with, they had no particular strength or weakness and could hold their own. The war also caused economic depressions fro the whole world. The United States went into the great depression after the war had ended. The depression in the US caused the world to fell into one too.”)

Model Essay

imagine being stuck in trenches for days, weeks or even months at a time. The only bathroom was right next to where you sleep. This warfare developed in world war one called trench warfare. Although World war one ended in the allies favor, the war was brutal for both sides, just ended up making another war in the future, and ended up being the most gruesome war anyone had ever seen.

The Allies and the Central power were both powerful which caused a stalemate in the war for a long time. Trench warfare was used during this time because Germany had invented a new weapon, the machine gun. The machine gun was the most destructive weapon used in the war, it could spit out rounds as fast as 100 rounds in a second. to avoid gun fire soldiers built trenches where they would be trapped for extended periods of time. they tried to invent things such as the tank to go across no mans land. the area between enemy trenches which was filled with barbed wire and any person who walked out there got gunned down. the tank was not very successful because it would often break down before getting to the enemy trench. before this war, war was considered glorious and necessary. This war killed millions of people from direct cause of the war and many more from the disease spread by it.

World war one ended being a cause for world war two. The Treaty of Versailles made Germany furious. They had to take dull blame for causing the war and had to pay 30 billion in reparations to the allies. This brought Germany bankrupt and they had to start all over. Germany held a grudge against the allies and under the Rule of Hitler they would Start World war two. Which was the most devastating war the world had seen. The Atom bomb had been invented and dropped on japan killing 50 million and others from radiation.

The war made hardship for the Allies and the Central powers. The cost of the war was enormous in casualties and economically. Germans lost almost all of the troops once America joined the battle. Russia had lost Many of its troops from the war and the Russian Revolution caused hardship. Many of the nations were in total war, meaning they were spending all their resources on the war. Britain had lost almost 50 billion and Germany lost 60 billion due to the war.

Although The Allies won the war, it was brutal, Economically devastating, and the most gruesome war anyone had seen. it made nations go bankrupt. Also millions of people died from disease spread by the war. Also new inventions of the war had made it the most lethal war due to the machine gun, tanks, artillery, poison gas and more.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the essay. The writer establishes a limited controlling idea and demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she provides limited

descriptions and details that may not give the readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Only some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The writer asserts the controlling idea in a very limited way. (“imagine being stuck in trenches for days, weeks or even months at a time. The only bathroom was right next to where you sleep. This warfare developed in world war one called trench warfare. Although World war one ended in the allies favor, the war was brutal for both sides, just ended up making another war in the future, and ended up being the most gruesome war anyone had ever seen.”)

The writer’s focus is limited. He/she focuses primarily on the historical turning point in warfare, specifically, trench warfare. When the writer mentions war restitution through the mandates of the Treaty of Versailles or disease and casualties, for example, those descriptions are limited at best. Providing sufficient development of each idea will create a more effective message for the intended audience. (“Germany held a grudge against the allies and under the Rule of Hitler they would Start World war two. Which was the most devastating war the world had seen. The Atom bomb had been invented and dropped on japan killing 50 million and others from radiation. The war made hardship for the Allies and the Central powers. The cost of the war was enormous in casualties and economically.”)

The writer should focus on including more meaningful examples to illustrate the ways World War I served as a turning point in history. Including specific and relevant examples would help the readers picture the subject of the essay in their minds. (“Although The Allies won the war, it was brutal, Economically devastating, and the most gruesome war anyone had seen. it made nations go bankrupt. Also millions of people died from disease spread by the war. Also new inventions of the war had made it the most lethal war due to the machine gun, tanks, artillery, poison gas and more.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development in the essay response. He/she develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support ideas.

The essay contains limited details to illustrate some of the main ideas. (“they tried to invent things such as the tank to go across no mans land. the area between enemy trenches which was filled with barbed wire and any person who walked out there got gunned down. the tank was not very successful because it would often break down before getting to the enemy trench.”)

The main ideas in the body paragraphs do not fully support the writer’s thesis. (“Germany held a grudge against the allies and under the Rule of Hitler they would Start World war two. Which was the most devastating war the world had seen. The Atom bomb had been invented and dropped on japan killing 50 million and others from radiation.”)

The writer misses the opportunity to provide relevant details in the form of statistics or historical anecdotes to develop his/her main ideas in a more meaningful way. (“the tank was not very successful because it would often break down before getting to the enemy trench. before this war, war was considered glorious and necessary. This war killed millions of people from direct cause of the war and many more from the

disease spread by it.”)

Organization

There is limited organization of main ideas and supporting details in the essay. The writer demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. In addition to limited use of paragraphing, the essay lacks effective transitional devices as well.

The essay contains a limited introduction. The writer should assert a clear thesis that highlights the ways he/she believes World War I became a turning point in history. (“imagine being stuck in trenches for days, weeks or even months at a time. The only bathroom was right next to where you sleep. This warfare developed in world war one called trench warfare. Although World war one ended in the allies favor, the war was brutal for both sides, just ended up making another war in the future, and ended up being the most gruesome war anyone had ever seen.”)

Strong transitions between paragraphs and between sentences are needed to enhance the flow of the

writer’s ideas. (“Trench warfare was used during this time because Germany had invented a new weapon, the machine gun. The machine gun was the most destructive weapon used in the war, it could spit out rounds as fast as 100 rounds in a second. to avoid gun fire soldiers built trenches where they would be trapped for extended periods of time. they tried to invent things such as the tank to go across no mans land. the area between enemy trenches which was filled with barbed wire and any person who walked out there got gunned down. the tank was not very successful because it would often break down before getting to the enemy trench. before this war, war was considered glorious and necessary. ”)

The writer’s conclusion provides the readers with a limited sense of closure. He/she manages to briefly summarize ideas but does not give the readers too much to consider as the essay draws to a close.

(“Although The Allies won the war, it was brutal, Economically devastating, and the most gruesome war anyone had seen. it made nations go bankrupt. Also millions of people died from disease spread by the war. Also new inventions of the war had made it the most lethal war due to the machine gun, tanks, artillery, poison gas and more.”)

Language Use & Style

effectiveness of the writer’s message.

The lengths of some of the sentences are short. The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the response more interesting to the intended audience. (“World war one ended being a cause for world war two. The Treaty of Versailles made Germany furious. They had to take dull blame for causing the war and had to pay 30 billion in reparations to the allies. This brought Germany bankrupt and they had to start all over.”)

The writer uses incorrect words in context. Additionally, some sentences are fragmented. These kinds of errors affect meaning for the readers. (“They had to take dull blame for causing the war and had to pay 30

billion in reparations to the allies. This brought Germany bankrupt and they had to start all over. Germany held a grudge against the allies and under the Rule of Hitler they would Start World war two. Which was the most devastating war the world had seen.”)

The sentences are too informal and the word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the writer’s ideas to the intended audience. (“imagine being stuck in trenches for days, weeks or even months at a time. The only bathroom was right next to where you sleep. This warfare

developed in world war one called trench warfare. Although World war one ended in the allies favor, the war was brutal for both sides, just ended up making another war in the future, and ended up being the most gruesome war anyone had ever seen.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

spelling of words is checked, and words are used properly in context. (“to avoid gun fire soldiers built trenches where they would be trapped for extended periods of time. they tried to invent things such as the tank to go across no mans land. the area between enemy trenches which was filled with barbed wire and any person who walked out there got gunned down.”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

World War 1 major turing point in modern history because of one major detail. Weapons. During world war 1 many new weapons was introduced such as the tank and the and mustard gas. Their were some major flaws in the weapons like the mustard gas for one. Once fired their is not telling if the wind will pick up and move the gas in the direction that you are in or if it might get to the other side. Also each side was at least one to two miles away from one another so their was no guarantee that it would reach the other side. Another weapon that was used during the war that made it a turing point for history is because of the submarines. The reason why this was a turing point is because when they were used by the Germans to demolish ships that carried war cargo. But when the Germans hit a curse linear and sunk it because it had war cargo they made a mistake and killed what Americans were on the ship. By doing this they done what they were pretty much trying to avoid bringing the americans into the war from making it the Great War into World War 1.

Another turing point was when American joined the war. The Americans at the begin sad that they were going to be neutral in the war. But when some Americans died on the ship hit by German submarine that made a American people feel with ire. Another reason why they were join the war is because Britain was doing a propaganda news paper filled with mostly lies about the Germans. So after the Americans joined the war it brought a turing point because they also help raise the hope of the European soldiers in the war and the war was won not long after because the Germans surrender.

Another reason it was a turing point in history is because of propaganda. America for instance they used propaganda to imbibe young men to join the army. Also in both Britain and America while the men were off fighting the war the woman stayed home and did the men's job. So to get the women's hope up they done all kinds of propaganda to bring the hope right back up. That is why propaganda during World War 1 was a turing point in history

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer does not explicitly assert a thesis to drive the essay; rather, a central/controlling idea is inferred based on the main ideas contained in the body paragraphs. The writer discusses weapons, propaganda, and America’s entry into the war as the turning points in history created by World War I. (“Another turing point was when American joined the war. The Americans at the begin sad that they were going to be neutral in the war. But when some Americans died on the ship hit by German submarine that made a American people feel with ire. Another reason why they were join the war is because Britain was doing a propaganda news paper filled with mostly lies about the Germans.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on the central idea sufficiently to give the readers a true sense of the turning points in history being described. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the

intended audience. (“Another weapon that was used during the war that made it a turing point for history is because of the submarines. The reason why this was a turing point is because when they were used by the Germans to demolish ships that carried war cargo. But when the Germans hit a curse linear and sunk it because it had war cargo they made a mistake and killed what Americans were on the ship. By doing this they done what they were pretty much trying to avoid bringing the americans into the war from making it

the Great War into World War 1.”)

The writer’s details are minimally developed. (“Another reason it was a turing point in history is because of propaganda. America for instance they used propaganda to imbibe young men to join the army. Also in both Britain and America while the men were off fighting the war the woman stayed home and did the

men's job.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support ideas.

The writer attempts to include at least three main ideas as evidence; however, the lack of development renders the response minimal at best. (“Another reason it was a turing point in history is because of propaganda. America for instance they used propaganda to imbibe young men to join the army. Also in both Britain and America while the men were off fighting the war the woman stayed home and did the men's job. So to get the women's hope up they done all kinds of propaganda to bring the hope right back up. That is why propaganda during World War 1 was a turing point in history”)

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s main ideas. (“Another reason why they were join the war is because Britain was doing a propaganda news paper filled with mostly lies about the Germans. So after the Americans joined the war it brought a turing point because they also help raise the hope of the European soldiers in the war and the war was won not long after because the Germans

surrender.”)

Details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. Details should include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations that give the readers a clear picture of the ways in which World War I became a major turning point in history. (“Another weapon that was used during the war that made it a turing point for history is because of the submarines. The reason why this was a turing point is because when they were used by the Germans to demolish ships that carried war cargo. But when the Germans hit a curse linear and sunk it because it had war cargo they made a mistake and killed what Americans were on the ship. By doing this they done what they were pretty much trying to avoid bringing the americans into the war from making it the Great War into World War 1.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas is minimal as well. The writer provides an opening that minimally reveals the purpose of the prompt task. The response lacks effective transitional devices and paragraphing; furthermore, the essay demonstrates little evidence of a strong ending.

The essay does not effectively grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“World War 1 major turing point in modern history because of one major detail. Weapons. During world war 1 many new weapons was introduced such as the tank and the and mustard gas.”)

There is little evidence of transitional devices to help connect ideas. (“Another turing point was when American joined the war. The Americans at the begin sad that they were going to be neutral in the war. But when some Americans died on the ship hit by German submarine that made a American people feel with ire. Another reason why they were join the war is because Britain was doing a propaganda news paper filled with mostly lies about the Germans.”)

The writer does not include a recognizable conclusion. Due to the lack of closure, the readers are left with questions. (“So to get the women's hope up they done all kinds of propaganda to bring the hope right back up. That is why propaganda during World War 1 was a turing point in history”)

Language Use & Style

The writer constructs weak sentence structures that create syntax issues; these issues affect meaning for the readers. (“Another weapon that was used during the war that made it a turing point for history is because of the submarines. The reason why this was a turing point is because when they were used by the Germans to demolish ships that carried war cargo. But when the Germans hit a curse linear and sunk it because it had war cargo they made a mistake and killed what Americans were on the ship.”)

There is repetition. For example, the writer continually uses the words “turning point” throughout the

essay response. (“So after the Americans joined the war it brought a turing point because they also help raise the hope of the European soldiers in the war and the war was won not long after because the Germans surrender. Another reason it was a turing point in history is because of propaganda. America for instance they used propaganda to imbibe young men to join the army. Also in both Britain and America while the men were off fighting the war the woman stayed home and did the men's job. So to get the women's hope up they done all kinds of propaganda to bring the hope right back up. That is why propaganda during World War 1 was a turing point in history”)

The writer relies on simple sentences and informal word choices. (“By doing this they done what they were pretty much trying to avoid bringing the americans into the war from making it the Great War into World War 1.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is minimal. There are patterns of error in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling which interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized essay. (“Another turing point was when American joined the war. The Americans at the begin sad that they were going to be neutral in the war. But when some Americans died on the ship hit by German submarine that made a American people feel with ire. Another reason why they were join the war is because Britain was doing a propaganda news paper filled with mostly lies about the Germans.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

World War I: A Turning Point

A Major turning point in World War I was when that Germany had a change in mind when they decide to refund everything and go into debt because they know they would lose and they have gotten involved into this war in order to gain more land and continents. The Germans of Germany had already known they would lose half way into the war, so they decided to revoke there existence and repay for all the damages they have caused. In order to just to get away from the problem. The Battle of theMarnewas a major turning point in World War I. By the end of August 1914, the whole allied army on the western front had been forced into a general retreat back towards Paris. Mean while the two main German armies continued through France. The triple alliance with Italy, Austria-Hungary, and Germany. The Russian Revolution of 1917 was a direct result of the discomposure caused by mobilization.

These are some and on actually has the most vital turning point in world war 1.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. The writer establishes a vague controlling idea and demonstrates little understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. The writer barely completes any parts of the task.

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience because he/she does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“The Germans of Germany had already known they would lose half way into the war, so they decided to revoke there existence and repay for all the damages they have caused. In order to just to get away from the problem. ”)

The writer reveals a vague central/controlling idea that seems to align with the prompt task, but he/she does not develop it adequately through examples and descriptive details. (“A Major turning point in World War I was when that Germany had a change in mind when they decide to refund everything and go into debt because they know they would lose and they have gotten involved into this war in order to gain more land and continents.”)

The essay’s lack of specific details renders the writer’s message ineffective and incomplete. (“The triple alliance with Italy, Austria-Hungary, and Germany. The Russian Revolution of 1917 was a direct result of the discomposure caused by mobilization.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer neglects to develop ideas, using few details to support ideas.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“A Major turning point in World War I was when that Germany had a change in mind when they decide to refund everything and go into debt because they know they would lose and they have gotten involved into this war in order to gain more land and continents. The Germans of Germany had already known they would lose half way into the war, so they decided to revoke there existence and repay for all the damages they have caused.”)

In the one-paragraph response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs. At least three main ideas should be included as evidence. (“By the end of August 1914, the whole allied army on the western front had been forced into a general retreat back towards Paris. Mean while the two main German armies continued through France. The triple alliance with Italy, Austria-Hungary, and Germany. ”)

Details are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Details could include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations to bring the writer’s ideas to life. (“The Russian Revolution of 1917 was a direct result of the discomposure caused by mobilization.”)

Organization

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“A Major turning point in World War I was when that Germany had a change in mind when they decide to refund everything and go into debt because they know they would lose and they have gotten involved into this war in order to gain more land and continents.”)

Transitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“The Germans of Germany had already known they would lose half way into the war, so they decided to revoke there existence and repay for all the damages they have caused. In order to just to get away from the problem. The Battle of theMarnewas a major turning point in World War I.”)

The essay does not contain a strong conclusion. (“These are some and on actually has the most vital turning point in world war 1.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s language use, voice, and style are inadequate. He/she demonstrates unclear language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The lengths of the sentences are short and often fragmented. (“Mean while the two main German armies continued through France. The triple alliance with Italy, Austria-Hungary, and Germany. The Russian Revolution of 1917 was a direct result of the discomposure caused by mobilization.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“A Major turning point in World War I was when that Germany had a change in mind when

they decide to refund everything and go into debt because they know they would lose and they have gotten involved into this war in order to gain more land and continents. ”)

The writer relies on simple sentences and word choices. Additionally, there are syntax issues in portions of the essay. (“These are some and on actually has the most vital turning point in world war 1.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

they have caused. In order to just to get away from the problem.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Goals can be large or small, short term or long term. We set career, educational, athletic, and personal goals. What goals have you set for your future? Why are these goals important?

In a multi-paragraph essay, discuss the goals that you have set for your future. Include details that will help the readers understand the importance of these goals.

Model Essay

Setting goals for yourself is a good way to achieve what you want, whether it involves academics, sports, or careers. Most goals that I have set for myself involve my academics and possible future career. Having something planned is a great way to start developing your skills that will eventually have a wonderful outcome. Goals are things that you have total control over. That is one of the best things about goals, being able to put a little bit of you into each one. I try to set goals for myself that are academically based, but also lead to a future that I would like to have. This way, I will ensure that every goal I achieve helps me work toward my larger goals. Goals have helped me get to where I am right now and I think they are going to keep helping me as time goes on. Having a few goals set for yourself is a good way to keep you on track. A few goals that I have set for myself are graduating from high school, getting into a good four-year college, and getting the job of my dreams.

The first goal that I have set for myself that's the most important one at this point in my life is graduating from high school. I want to graduate from high school on time, but I also would like to get the chance to graduate with honors. I also want to graduate with a 4.0 GPA. A way for me to achieve this is to continue to turn in my work on time and study for tests. Passing my classes is going to help me get to graduation, and my goals are going to help me stay on track. Doing well in school is one thing that's going to help me, but another is passing all the final tests. Those require a lot of time and effort and I am willing to put as much time and effort into those as possible. Turning in all my work on time and studying for my classes is going push me into the right direction. A way for me to achieve this goal is by having a support system there that's going to help me. Having a class like study hall and having access to teachers who help you when you are struggling is something I value greatly. This goal is important to me because it's going to set me up to achieve other goals, specifically my college future and career plans. Still, high school is really important because it is the one thing that is testing me right now. It is putting my academic ability to the test and I am being able to test myself, which is going to set me up for the future.

After high school, I plan to go to college and hopefully I will get into a good four-year college. I want to go to a big name school because it's something that's going to truly help me. College is going to help me stay focused; there is definitely going to be a lot more work and that's somewhat intimidating. I would like to get a good score on the SAT or the ACTs; the better the score, the more options that you have and the more attention colleges will give you. It's a key way to become noticed by colleges’ admissions offices around the country. Staying on track is not that hard, but with a larger campus and larger classes, it might be a little harder to stand out, but this challenge is also going to make me work even harder. Going to a four-year college is going to make me try the hardest that I possibly can. Having something there like a four-year college is a good way to get more resources that are going to set me up for achieving a goal that I truly want. College is something that is so important to me because it is the next step in my life, after high school. One thing that college is going to guarantee is that I am going to have to push myself even harder. I will step up to the plate and do whatever it takes to get through it because I know that college is something that is in my future.

Last, I would like to get the job of my dreams. I want a job that's going to allow me to travel around the world and experience new things. Seeing new places and seeing the diversity in all types of different

cultures is something that interests me. Also seeing the way other people live and the struggles that they have to go through every day is something that interests me, but it's also something that I would like to be a part of in changing. Although I have not set my sights on anything at the moment, I have a few different occupations in mind. I will also look for a job that allows me to help others in need, whether that's being a doctor or someone who is just there for people who do not have anyone else or other resources to turn to. Getting the job of my dreams is something that I have always looked forward to. Even though it is so far from now, it is something that is in the back of my mind. Having high school and college is going to prepare me, one for the next and so on.

Goals are important to me. They set you up for what you want to accomplish and whom you want to be. I look at goals as a resource for being able to set up what I would like to have in my life. The goals that I have chosen to focus on for the time being would be completion on graduating, going to a four-year college and getting a job that's going to satisfy me. Some of these goals I am able to focus on right now and work towards that completion, but they are also footsteps in the direction of the other goals beyond my years of high school. I think that if I have supportive people in my life such as teachers, family and friends, I will be able to focus more on the things that I want to accomplish. Having the resources and support system that I have right now, I think anything is possible. Sometimes goals don't seem like they can be accomplished, but once you set yourself to something, anything is possible as long as you believe in yourself. I think that goals are going to help me out in the long run because I can be able to set myself up for something. If I fail at something, it is a way for me to get back up and learn from that mistake. Goals are not there to set you up to fail, they are there to help you. There is always a good outcome if you set yourself up to achieve meaningful goals.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by very effectively using an interesting, engaging statement or a question at the beginning of the introduction. In this case, while the introduction is not very creative, it does provide readers with background information to help them understand the purpose of the essay.

(“Setting goals for yourself is a good way to achieve what you want, whether it involves academics, sports, or careers. Most goals that I have set for myself involve my academics and possible future career.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea and includes details. (“Still, high school is really important because it is the one thing that is testing me right now. It is putting my academic ability to the test and I am being able to test myself, which is going to set me up for the future.”)

The writer maintains a strong awareness of audience. Allusions, tone, and interesting phrases are

appropriate for any audience. (“I will step up to the plate and do whatever it takes to get through it because I know that college is something that is in my future.”)

Content & Development

The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details for support. The essay’s relevant points explain and illustrate very effectively.

Each paragraph addresses a particular goal that the writer would like to pursue. (“After high school, I plan to go to college and hopefully I will get into a good four-year college.”)

Supporting details are very effective at developing each main idea. The essay includes facts and statistics, examples, brief narratives, or explanations about each of the main ideas. (“I also want to graduate with a

4.0 GPA. A way for me to achieve this is to continue to turn in my work on time and study for tests.”)

Ideally, an effective essay should include several main ideas and numerous details to help support each of those main ideas. This gives the readers a full understanding of each point and the thesis. (“I will also look for a job that allows me to help others in need, whether that's being a doctor or someone who is just there for people who do not have anyone else or other resources to turn to.”)

Well-developed details help provide insight beyond the requirements of the task. Details like this also help keep the readers' attention. (“Still, high school is really important because it is the one thing that is testing me right now. It is putting my academic ability to the test and I am being able to test myself, which is going to set me up for the future.”)

Some ideas introduced are repetitive, but most of the content is original and supports the thesis. (“Having high school and college is going to prepare me, one for the next and so on.”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure, an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, and effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The introduction provides plenty of interesting background information that grabs readers' attention and

helps them understand the purpose of the essay. (“I try to set goals for myself that are academically based, but also lead to a future that I would like to have. Goals have helped me get to where I am right now and I think they are going to keep helping me as time goes on.”)

Transitions and paragraphs are used very effectively. Transitions in the essay help readers move between ideas easily. (“After high school, I plan to go to college and hopefully I will get into a good four-year

college.”)

The conclusion summarizes many of the ideas presented and provides readers with a sense of closure.

(“Some of these goals I am able to focus on right now and work towards that completion, but they are also footsteps in the direction of the other goals beyond my years of high school. I think that if I have supportive people in my life such as teachers, family and friends, I will be able to focus more on the things that I want to accomplish.”)

Language Use & Style

In the essay, the writer demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, a clear sense of audience, and well-structured and varied sentences.

The language and tone are consistent in the essay. There is little or no use of informal language or slang. The tone is appropriate for the audience. (“Going to a four-year college is going to make me try the hardest that I possibly can.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or

questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“College is going to help me stay focused; there is definitely going to be a lot more work and that's somewhat intimidating.”)

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensure that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“College is something that is so important to me because it is the next step in my

life, after high school. One thing that college is going to guarantee is that I am going to have to push myself even harder. I will step up to the plate and do whatever it takes to get through it because I know that college is something that is in my future.”)

Some word choice, while acceptable, could be improved by adding some variation. (“Staying on track is not that hard, but with a larger campus and larger classes, it might be a little harder to stand out, but this challenge is also going to make me work even harder.”)

Essays at this level rarely contain minor errors in language usage or style, and the majority of the content is clear and correct. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors that are present never impede meaning.

(“Having something there like a four-year college is a good way to get more resources that are going to set me up for achieving a goal that I truly want.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer uses very effective control of conventions and mechanics. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling.

Each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and each sentence is indented when beginning a new paragraph. (“Going to a four-year

college is going to make me try the hardest that I possibly can.”)

There may be some minor errors in comma usage or spelling, but these errors do not interfere with meaning nor seriously undermine the writer’s credibility. (“College is something that is so important to me because it is the next step in my life, after high school.”)

Essays at this level rarely contain errors in mechanics and conventions, and errors that are present never impede meaning. (“After high school, I plan to go to college and hopefully I will get into a good four-year college.”)

Model Essay

Goals are a very important factor in my life. I myself see it a major factor because the goals that I have set are going to propel me into the career and style of living that I wish to have. For this essay, I will speak of just one of my goals, but is one of the most important. I have a goal set to be a statesman and to have a profession in politics. I will talk about the plans that I have to execute this goal from education, action, and electability, those will allow me to become the politician that I hope I am set on becoming.

First, I have to engage myself in educational opportunities that will allow me to be able to understand and comprehend the tasks and dealings necessary when I will become a real politician. Taking debate classes in the future (and as I have in the past) will allow me to defend and push the ideals that I have and to be able to communicate to the people the ways I wish to serve and govern them. Taking classes on in-depth writing and speeches will help me to give the messages that the public will need to hear. Staying receptive to the news of the day will allow me to get a grip of the problems that we face and to be able to address them properly, while being able to prioritize what things must come first, and what things can be delayed for a certain time.

As a politician, action is one of the single most important things that must done in order to have a successful career. In order to be taken as a serious candidate and as a serious politician, I must be willing to show to a very deep level of work that I have accomplished. I must show that through my past actions, I am willing to serve the public, not only in elected office, but also elsewhere in the community, to show concern for the daily dealings of citizens, and to be able to relate to the people that I wish to serve. Working at public places, donating to charity, and other various acts that are very simple can and must be done not only because it looks good to people, but because it is needed and must come as a the highest priority as an elected official. As a politician, I will have to be engaged and receptive to all the opinion and concerns of the citizens in order to get a clear point and how the people feel on the issue(s) and how they wish to go

about solving it in a helpful and logical way. If there is a great solution or point to a problem, I must be open to and can act on the principles that the public has in common with eachother and with me. Pushing hard in areas of campaigning must also be done. If I am to get elected to an office, then it must be the cause of others and if I work hard enough to get a following from the people, and also to gain funds to support and run my campaign, I will have success.

Electability is vital to getting elected. If people do nothing you are a serious candidate or are not a strong enough candidate, they will not vote for you. As I proceed forward, I can and must show that I have a moral base and will keep the promises that I intend to do upon when in office, and let people see my record in the past, so that they know I am a man of my word and that I will be the honest statesman that they need. Leadership is also a defining quality of a candidate and of the service they give while in office. Leading on issues and willing to reach across lines in order to reach bipartisanship will show the people that I am an ideal candidate, and that getting solutions applied to problems and getting what is needed for the country is my main goal and that I am not a phony and unreliable candidate.

My goal of becoming a politician will not be easy, that I can guarantee, but as long as I work hard to apply these principles of getting the proper eduation I need, acting upon the nessesary duties required to be a successful politician, and showing that I am a proper and electable candidate will allow me at least a shot at becoming the man of service that I hope to be. Putting plans to action must be a priority, because if it not, then my goals will cease to become goals, and fade merely into dreams.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is good focus and meaning in the essay. The writer establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea, demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes most parts of the task.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention with the use of an interesting statement or a question at the beginning of the introduction. There is background information to help readers understand the purpose of the essay.

(“Goals are a very important factor in my life. I myself see it a major factor because the goals that I have set are going to propel me into the career and style of living that I wish to have.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. Essays at this level never contain irrelevant information, although they may occasionally contain information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information does not impede meaning. Additional details might help readers understand the significance of these ideas. (“If I am to get elected to an office, then it must be the cause of others and if I work hard enough to get a following from the people, and also to gain funds to support and run my campaign, I will have success.”)

The writer mostly includes words in the essay that are appropriate for the audience. The informal language that is used is still appropriate for the audience. (“Staying receptive to the news of the day will allow me to get a grip of the problems that we face and to be able to address them properly, while being able to prioritize what things must come first, and what things can be delayed for a certain time.”)

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient and appropriate details for support.

Each body paragraph includes a main idea that effectively supports the thesis. (“First, I have to engage myself in educational opportunities that will allow me to be able to understand and comprehend the tasks and dealings necessary when I will become a real politician.”)

The content in the body paragraphs includes a variety of details. The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. Additional supporting details or examples help to support these ideas and strengthen the thesis. Ideally, each main idea should have at least three to five supporting details or examples. (“Working at public places, donating to charity, and other various acts that are very simple can and must be done not only because it looks good to people, but because it is

needed and must come as a the highest priority as an elected official.”)

The writer’s ideas and supporting details are convincing. (“As a politician, I will have to be engaged and receptive to all the opinion and concerns of the citizens in order to get a clear point and how the people feel on the issue(s) and how they wish to go about solving it in a helpful and logical way.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion and consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The introduction creatively grabs the readers' attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“Goals are a very important factor in my life. I myself see it a major factor because the goals that I have set are going to propel me into the career and style of living that I wish to have.”)

The introduction includes a good thesis statement with some supporting details to help readers understand the significance of this declaration. (“For this essay, I will speak of just one of my goals, but is one of the most important. I have a goal set to be a statesman and to have a profession in politics.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. These transitions help readers move between ideas easily. (“As a politician, action is one of the single most important things that must done in order to have a successful career.”)

The conclusion is effective and leaves readers with something to think about. It also summarizes many of the ideas presented and provides readers with a sense of closure. (“Putting plans to action must be a priority, because if it it not, then my goals will cease to become goals, and fade merely into dreams.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates the writer's appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice, a clear sense of audience, and well-structured sentences with some variety.

The language and tone are consistent. The coherent style and tone of the essay ensure that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“If I am to get elected to an office, then it must be the cause of others and if I work hard enough to get a following from the people, and also to gain funds to support and run my campaign, I will have success.”)

Compound, complex, and compound-complex sentences are used effectively. (“If I am to get elected to an office, then it must be the cause of others and if I work hard enough to get a following from the people, and also to gain funds to support and run my campaign, I will have success.”)

A few sentences are weakly structured; however, readers can still infer the writer’s intent. (“As I proceed forward, I can and must show that I have a moral base and will keep the promises that I intend to do upon when in office, and let people see my record in the past, so that they know I am a man of my word and that I will be the honest statesman that they need.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is good control of mechanics and conventions. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message.

Most sentences begin with a capital letter, have a subject and a verb, and end with a punctuation mark. (“First, I have to engage myself in educational opportunities that will allow me to be able to understand and comprehend the tasks and dealings necessary when I will become a real politician.”)

There may be some minor errors in apostrophe or comma use, but these errors do not interfere with meaning nor seriously undermine the writer’s credibility. (“Putting plans to action must be a priority, because if it it not, then my goals will cease to become goals, and fade merely into dreams.”)

Some spelling mistakes are evident, but errors like these are rare and do not interfere with meaning. (“My goal of becoming a politician will not be easy, that I can guarantee, but as long as I work hard to apply these principles of getting the proper eduation I need, acting upon the nessesary duties required to be a successful politician, and showing that I am a proper and electable candidate will allow me at least a shot at becoming the man of service that I hope to be”)

Model Essay

Most people set New Years resolutions at the begging of each year. Sometimes we fail and need to start over or back track. This year, I had set a resolution to start being more responsible, to be nicer, and to lose 50 pounds. It is very difficult to fulfill so many rough goals, but I took the challenge. I wanted the satisfaction of knowing that I did so many hard goals to accomplish.

This year, I wanted to be more responsible. My mother had said that if I were more responsible with little things, that for Christmas she would get me a puppy. I had to do my homework, which was easy. But the challenge of that was doing the homework correctly. I had to get all A's and B's. That was difficult, but I could do it. I knew I could do it. I had to do all my laundry, which wasn't a big deal considering I do it anyways. I had to keep my room clean, which was by far the hardest mini-goal to accomplish. But I've been doing it for almost 10 months straight, so hopefully I get this puppy.

Sometimes people get angry for no reason, and are mean to the people around them. Considering the fact that I'm bipolar, I get aggravated very easily and will be mean to everyone around me. I knew I was especially rude to my little sister. I felt bad, because when I think about it, she is a person, and she has feelings, too. I knew that I needed to be nice to her, because when we grew up, I didn't want her childhood memories to be that I would bully her. So for this reason, I tried my best to be nice to her. Sometimes I slip up and say something bad, but I apologize the minutes I realize what I had said was mean. I would say I have completed this goal.

Lastly, my 3rd goal wasn't a goal for anyone else besides me. I knew I needed to loose weight for myself. For my health, for my self-esteem, for my self-acceptance. I tried and tried, but the weight wouldn't come off. I tried Atkins. I tried certain cereals. I tried EVERYTHING. When I had my next doctor’s appointment, the doctor told me it was because I had a series of allergic reactions so everytime I took steroids to help strengthen my lungs, it made me gain weight. When the reactions stopped, midway through the year, the doctor said the weight would start coming off. But I have to work hard to get this weight off. I walk every day for 30 minutes, use a weighted hulla-hoop for 20 minutes, and eat 1,200 calories per day.

So far I have lost 18 pounds, and the rest of the 50, or hopefully more, will start to drop off. But this goal is yet to be finished.

Everyone has goals. They might be internal, external, physical or emotional. But the bottom line is we all have goals, Some are easier that others. Some take time. But the fact is is that we need to try our hardest to try to fufill our goals. I've accomplished two of mine. The biggest and baddest is still there, but slowly and steadily, I'm accomplishing it. I hope you can accomplish your's, too.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes a controlling idea, demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes many parts of the task.

The writer begins by providing readers with some background information necessary to understand the purpose of the essay. (“Most people set New Years resolutions at the begging of each year. Sometimes we fail and need to start over or back track.”)

The thesis states the supporting idea of the essay adequately. (“This year, I had set a resolution to start being more responsible, to be nicer, and to lose 50 pounds.”)

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. He/she uses words that are appropriate for the audience and rarely or does not use slang or other versions of informal language. (“Sometimes I slip up and say something bad, but I apologize the minutes I realize what I had said was mean.”)

Essays at this level rarely contain irrelevant information, although they may occasionally contain information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information rarely impedes meaning, but it may occasionally distract from the thesis. (“I tried Atkins. I tried certain cereals. I tried EVERYTHING.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support.

Each body paragraph includes a main idea that adequately supports the thesis. (“Sometimes people get angry for no reason, and are mean to the people around them.”)

The essay contains adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. At least three details are stated about each main idea. In this case, the writer includes a personal example of how he/she would like to be nicer to

other family members. (“I felt bad, because when I think about it, she is a person, and she has feelings, too. I knew that I needed to be nice to her, because when we grew up, I didn't want her childhood memories to be that I would bully her.”)

Some of the details provide insight into the writer’s thinking and this help readers understand the writer’s goals more fully. (“Sometimes I slip up and say something bad, but I apologize the minutes I realize what I had said was mean. I would say I have completed this goal.”)

Organization

The essay has adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, but there is inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The introduction grabs the readers’ attention by including a relatable statement about starting over. (“Most people set New Years resolutions at the begging of each year. Sometimes we fail and need to start over or back track.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. Transitions help readers move between ideas easily. (“Lastly, my 3rd goal wasn't a goal for anyone else besides me. I knew I needed to loose weight for myself.”)

The conclusion adequately summarizes a few of the ideas presented in the essay and helps provide the readers with a sense of closure. Ideally, a strong conclusion will summarize most or all of the ideas presented and give readers something new to think about. (“But the fact is is that we need to try our hardest to try to fufill our goals. I've accomplished two of mine. The biggest and baddest is still there, but slowly and steadily, I'm accomplishing it.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths and complexity of the sentences are adequately varied. Sentence variety helps keep the

readers' interest and improves readability. (“This year, I wanted to be more responsible. My mother had said that if I were more responsible with little things, that for Christmas she would get me a puppy.”)

Selecting more professional and audience-appropriate words would improve readability and enhance the writer’s credibility. (“The biggest and baddest is still there, but slowly and steadily, I'm accomplishing it.”)

Essays at this level occasionally contain minor errors in language usage or style, and the majority of the content is clear and correct. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors that are present rarely impede meaning. The readers can infer the writer’s intent. (“I wanted the satisfaction of knowing that I did so many hard goals to accomplish.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Many sentences begin with a capital letter, many sentences have a subject and a verb, many sentences end with a punctuation mark, and many sentences are indented when beginning a new paragraph. (“I knew that I needed to be nice to her, because when we grew up, I didn't want her childhood memories to be that I would bully her.”)

There may be some minor errors in comma usage or spelling, but these errors usually do not interfere with meaning nor seriously undermine the writer’s credibility. (“This year, I had set a resolution to start being more responsible, to be nicer, and to lose 50 pounds.”)

There are a few fragmented or oddly structured sentences that may slow the readers' comprehension. The writer should consider revising these sentences by adding needed periods or by rephrasing the sentences so they can stand on their own. (“But the bottom line is we all have goals, Some are easier that others.”)

Model Essay

Have you ever had goals that you wanted to accomplish? Well, in this essay IM going to write about three of my important goals. The first goal that I want to accomplish is to pass all my classes this year. The

second goal I want to accomplish is to make the basketball team for my four years in high school. My final and most important goal is to graduate from high school. Those are the goals that IM going to accomplish.

The first goal I am going to write about is to pass all my classes that's the first one because that's the least important from the three. Pasing all my classes is important to me because I have to do that in order to graduate. Also so I can be able to play sports for the school. I really want to accomplish that goal, so my parents will be proud of me, and so I wont have to take them over.

The second goal I am going to write about is making the basketball team for my four years in high school. I think that goal is important to me because I like playing basketball and being a basketball is my dream. I also want to accomplish that goal because I am actually pretty good at it. It would be a good way to spend my days and nights. That's why I would want accomplish that goal.

My third and final goal that IM going to write about is graduating from high school. Graduating from high school is my main goal because if I graduate I will be able to get a job or go to college. Also my parents will be proud of me and be able to work at better places. Another reason why I want to graduate is because if I do graduate from high school I will have a better life. I don’t want to be homeless or poor when I get old and sick.

Those were my three main goals for the future. I really want to accomplish those goals in the future so I can succeed in life and have a good life. I will accomplish those goals if I work hard and put efforts in my work. So do you have any goals you want to accomplish?

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. The writer establishes a controlling idea, demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes only some parts of the task.

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. Background information to help readers understand the purpose of the essay is

limited. (“Have you ever had goals that you wanted to accomplish?”)

The writer states a limited central/controlling idea of the essay. The thesis of the essay is very formulaic. (“The first goal that I want to accomplish is to pass all my classes this year. The second goal I want to accomplish is to make the basketball team for my four years in high school. My final and most important goal is to graduate from high school. Those are the goals that IM going to accomplish.”)

Essays at this level occasionally contain irrelevant information, although usually it is information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information sometimes impedes meaning, but more often, it simply distracts from the thesis. (“I really want to accomplish that goal, so my parents will be proud of me, and so I wont have to take them over.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support.

The main ideas of the body paragraphs are simplistic, but they do support the thesis. (“The second goal I am going to write about is making the basketball team for my four years in high school.”)

The writer includes some details to support the ideas presented, but they are only somewhat successful. Additional details or examples would help to improve the quality of the essay. (“Also my parents will be proud of me and be able to work at better places. Another reason why I want to graduate is because if I do graduate from high school I will have a better life.”)

The details could be improved further by adding personal anecdotes, conversations, or challenges that may impede the writer’s goals. The writer states his/her reasons for wanting to accomplish these goals, but few details describe the difficulties he/she may face in the process. These insights and details would help improve the readers’ understanding and maintain their interest. (“I don’t want to be homeless or poor when I get old and sick.”)

Organization

The essay has limited organization. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. It lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices.

The writer demonstrates some evidence of a good introduction by including a statement that helps readers understand the purpose of the essay. It also asks readers a question to help attract their attention. (“Have you ever had goals that you wanted to accomplish? Well, in this essay IM going to write about three of my important goals.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used, but they are somewhat simplistic. The writer could improve readability by choosing different words other than “first,” “second,” and “third” to move between ideas. Transitions between sentences are also used to some effect. (“Also my parents will be proud of me and be able to work at better places.”)

The conclusion summarizes some of the ideas presented, but it is very brief. In addition, the essay does little to give readers a sense of closure. (“I really want to accomplish those goals in the future so I can succeed in life and have a good life. I will accomplish those goals if I work hard and put efforts in my work.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience, and some control of voice.

Sentences in the essay are well structured, but they are also brief and simplistic. (“Those were my three main goals for the future. I really want to accomplish those goals in the future so I can succeed in life and have a good life.”)

Essays at this level often contain sentences that are too long and have too many ideas, or they contain sentences that are too short and lack sophistication. Usually, this indicates a lack of variety in sentence structure. (“The first goal I am going to write about is to pass all my classes that's the first one because

that's the least important from the three. Pasing all my classes is important to me because I have to do that in order to graduate. Also so I can be able to play sports for the school. I really want to accomplish that goal, so my parents will be proud of me, and so I wont have to take them over.”)

The writer should use the thesaurus in MY Access! to replace words and phrases used too often with synonyms or more specific words or phrases. Words like “goal” could occasionally be substituted for another word with the same meaning. This would improve readability and maintain the readers' interest. (“Have you ever had goals that you wanted to accomplish? Well, in this essay IM going to write about

three of my important goals.”)

The essay may include slang or other forms of informal language. In this case, most of the word choice is appropriate for the audience. (“I don’t want to be homeless or poor when I get old and sick.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer should make sure each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and each new paragraph is indented. In this case, the writer generally succeeds in accomplishing these tasks. (“Another reason why I want to graduate is

because if I do graduate from high school I will have a better life.”)

Generally, essays at this level contain some errors in mechanics and conventions. In addition, errors that are present may impede meaning or damage the writer’s credibility. For example, use of commas and

apostrophes is not always correct. (“Also so I can be able to play sports for the school. I really want to accomplish that goal, so my parents will be proud of me, and so I wont have to take them over.”)

There may be a few spelling errors, but they do not impede the readers' comprehension. Readers can infer the writer’s intent. (“Pasing all my classes is important to me because I have to do that in order to

graduate.”)

Model Essay

My current goals are to get better grades,be on time to school, not be as antisocail, make my art work more alive, and stop waiting till the last minute to do homework. My first goal is one that everyone puts and it's true I need to work on getting better grades. I am nearly always late for school and it has gotten out of hand so it is something I need to work on. I am antisocial I do not like people and it has gotten to a point to were I will just be alone in my room and thats not good so that needs to stop. My art is very important to me and since it is a goal of mine to become a gtraphic novelist I need to show more life in my pictures. I always wait to do my work at the last minute it's ridiculus and needs to stop so it is a goal.

Next years goals are to get straight A's, work on my porfolio, get into school clubs, get back into avid, have more options for colleges. My first goal is to get straight A's because that would be aweasome and colleges pick students with grades like that. Working on my portfolio because it is a college requirment from a college to show a portfolio of past and present art work. It is realy important to show colleges that your active in your school because if they see how active you are it gets you closer to geting excepted to that college so thats why. To get back in avid is very important because it is one of the classes that will definatly prepare you for college and college scoiiuts choose avid students over other students to go to their school. To have more options for colleges is a big one because I have only been interested by a few and I need to keep my eyes open for some realy good colleges.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. The writer suggests a controlling idea but demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and completes few parts of the task.

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. There is little or no background information provided. Readers unfamiliar with the prompt may have difficulty understanding the purpose of the essay. (“My current goals are to get better grades,be on time to school, not be as antisocail, make my art work more alive, and stop waiting till the last minute to do homework.”)

The essay includes a thesis that minimally describes the purpose of the essay. (“My current goals are to get better grades,be on time to school, not be as antisocail, make my art work more alive, and stop waiting till

the last minute to do homework.”)

The writing style is not appropriate for the audience. (“I always wait to do my work at the last minute it's ridiculus and needs to stop so it is a goal.”)

Content & Development

The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support. There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement.

The essay attempts to provide three main ideas that describe the writer’s goals. Generally, essays at this level will include only a few ideas. In this case, the writer successfully identifies a few goals he/she wishes to accomplish. Some of the ideas presented are good, but the readers may not understand the full context of the writer’s statements. For example, the writer should explain any terms readers may not understand, such as “avid.” (“Next years goals are to get straight A's, work on my porfolio, get into school clubs, get back into avid, have more options for colleges.”)

The writer's details are minimally developed. Well-developed details are necessary to explain and illustrate the writer’s main ideas or goals. (“It is realy important to show colleges that your active in your school because if they see how active you are it gets you closer to geting excepted to that college so thats why.”)

The essay should include several supporting details for each idea. Details may include personal stories or narratives, dialogue, explanations, descriptions, or other methods that help the readers fully understand the writer’s goals. In this case, the writer includes a number of details explaining each idea, but problems with language and mechanics make the writer’s ideas difficult to fully understand. (“To have more options for colleges is a big one because I have only been interested by a few and I need to keep my eyes open for some realy good colleges.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion, and there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of a good introduction. An introduction should be its own paragraph and should include background information to help readers understand the purpose of the essay. It should

also include a creative or interesting method to attract the readers’ attention. Here, readers should be able to understand the purpose of the essay, but the essay does little to actually introduce the topic or to make it interesting. (“My current goals are to get better grades,be on time to school, not be as antisocail, make my art work more alive, and stop waiting till the last minute to do homework.”)

There is little evidence of transitional devices to help connect ideas. Using transitional devices (for example, next, in addition, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transitions that are used are simplistic and do little to help the readers move smoothly between ideas. (“My first goal is to get straight A's because that would be aweasome and

colleges pick students with grades like that.”)

The essay does not include a concluding paragraph and it ends abruptly. (“To have more options for colleges is a big one because I have only been interested by a few and I need to keep my eyes open for some realy good colleges.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer employs poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience; additionally, he/she makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay may contain some slang or other forms of informal language that undermine the writer’s credibility. (“My first goal is to get straight A's because that would be aweasome and colleges pick students with grades like that.”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. Some sentences may be fragmented. (“My current goals are to get better grades,be on time to school, not be as antisocail, make my art work more alive, and stop waiting till the last minute to do homework.”)

Sentences in the essay are too long and have too many ideas. By shortening some of the sentences, the writer may improve the essay’s readability. (“I am antisocial I do not like people and it has gotten to a point to were I will just be alone in my room and thats not good so that needs to stop.”)

Essays at this level often contain other severe errors in language usage and style. Readers may not be able to infer the writer’s intent. (“To get back in avid is very important because it is one of the classes that will definatly prepare you for college and college scoiiuts choose avid students over other students to go to their school”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

At this level, the writer generally does not make sure each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and each new paragraph is indented. (“I am antisocial I do not like people and it has gotten to a point to were I will just be alone in my room and thats not good so that needs to stop.”)

The essay includes significant errors in spelling that may affect meaning. (“To get back in avid is very important because it is one of the classes that will definatly prepare you for college and college scoiiuts choose avid students over other students to go to their school.”)

The writer does not correctly use periods, commas, semicolons, and other punctuation marks. Errors that are present in the essay may impede meaning or damage the writer’s credibility. ("I am antisocial I do not like people and it has gotten to a point to were I will just be alone in my room and thats not good so that needs to stop.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

Everyone has goals,no matter how big or small those goals are. To begin with, educational goals are your most important goals. why, because your education is the key to unlock your future. Maybe you cannot change the past but you shure can change the future.

Like i said, educational goals are the mos important. To have a career you must go to college. You absolutly MUST go to through all you education! If you dont youl'l probably be a bum working at a fast food chain.

After school is work, the real world, life, you know all that good stuff. My goals are to go in the army after college. When i come back I will open up a garage for cars. I really like working on and motors and such.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer fails to establish a controlling idea. He/she demonstrates no understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. As a result, the writer does not satisfactorily complete any parts of the prompt task.

The thesis is unclear and poorly phrased. Readers unfamiliar with the prompt may have difficulty understanding the purpose of the essay. (“Everyone has goals,no matter how big or small those goals are. To begin with, educational goals are your most important goals.”)

The prompt requires the student to describe his/her goals, but the writer does little to define the prompt task early on in the essay. Other pieces of information that have little or nothing to do with the prompt task are included. (“You absolutly MUST go to through all you education! If you dont youl'l probably be a bum working at a fast food chain.”)

Ideas that directly address the prompt task are not included until the end of the essay. Readers should be made aware of the purpose early in the essay. (“After school is work, the real world, life, you know all that good stuff. My goals are to go in the army after college.”)

The essay lacks awareness of audience by including slang or other versions of informal language. Word choice and sentence structure are sometimes inappropriate for the audience. (“If you dont youl'l probably be a bum working at a fast food chain.”)

Content & Development

The writer fails to develop ideas and uses no details for support. Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay.

The few ideas that are presented in the essay lack the context necessary for readers to fully comprehend. (“Like i said, educational goals are the mos important. To have a career you must go to college.”)

At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. (“My goals are to go in the army after college. When i come back I will open up a garage for cars. I really like working on and motors and such.”)

Few details are used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Details should include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. Details like these help to keep readers interested. (“I really like working on and motors and such.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates little or no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion, and there is little or no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a good introduction. It contains very little to engage the audience and there is little background information to help readers understand the purpose of the essay. (“Everyone has goals,no matter how big or small those goals are.”)

Transitional devices are not used effectively to help connect ideas. Transitions that are used are simplistic, informal, and damage the writer’s credibility. (“Like i said, educational goals are the mos important.”)

The conclusion is very brief and does not provide the readers with a sense of closure. The writer only addresses the prompt task in the final part of the essay. (“After school is work, the real world, life, you know all that good stuff.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Some word choice is far too informal for the audience. Other words may be appropriate but used

incorrectly. In this case, some of the word choices harm the writer’s credibility. The writer should use the Thesaurus to help replace words or phrases that are used incorrectly. (“If you dont youl'l probably be a bum working at a fast food chain.”)

Generally, sentences in the essay are not well structured. Some sentences provide a sense of urgency that helps to improve readability, but they are too few to significantly improve the essay’s overall quality. (“To have a career you must go to college. You absolutly MUST go to through all you education!”)

Some sentences are too long and have too many ideas, while some may be too short and unsophisticated. Most of the sentences in the essay could be improved by adding details with more specific language.

(“After school is work, the real world, life, you know all that good stuff.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Apostrophe use is inconsistent. Errors are common enough that they cannot be dismissed as typographical errors. (“If you dont youl'l probably be a bum working at a fast food chain.”)

Spelling is especially poor throughout and may make it difficult for the readers to understand the essay. (“Maybe you cannot change the past but you shure can change the future.”)

Errors in mechanics and conventions are so severe that they significantly undermine the message. The writer should include proper punctuation to help improve readability. (“why, because your education is the key to unlock your future.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

A person's legacy can best be described as the memories and ideas left behind once that individual is gone. Every person leaves some form of a legacy, be it good or bad. Political figures are especially aware of their legacies, since they will be recorded in the nation's historical records. Imagine that years from now your legacy will be included in your family's history. What are some of your unique qualities and deeds that you would like included as your legacy in your family history?

In a well-developed essay, describe the legacy you would like to include in your family history. Include an explanation for choosing those unique qualities and deeds .

Model Essay

"For some, life lasts a short while, but the memories it holds last forever." A memory is a very powerful thought stored deep within your mind. The good memories stay with you forever and the bad ones even longer. When you die, you leave a "trail of bread crumbs" showing everyone the path you have taken in your life. This "trail of bread crumbs" is called your legacy. There are two very different paths you can take in your life. One path is very dark, perilous, and full of dangers and turmoil at every turn. The other path though, is bright, full of love, care, and happiness. When I die, I want people to know that I took the bright path. I want to leave a family legacy showing that I was a loving and caring person, intelligent and wanting to make a change. These are the "bread crumbs" that I want generation after generation of family to see.

To begin with, I want future generations of my family to see me as a loving and caring man. A person I constantly watch over and take care of is my little sister, Mary. She is very small and adorable. When I was around the age of eight and she was about three years old, she and I were playing in the park. It had been months since I was able to play in the park with my friends, and I was absolutely enjoying myself. I felt like a baby bird flying through the sky for the first time. While I was playing with my friends, my sister was playing tag with another little three year old. Then all of the sudden, she tripped and scraped her knee pretty excruciatingly. My mom quickly came to her aid. Instead of wanting the comfort of her mom, she kept saying my name. So I walked over to her and was giving her comfort. After about five minutes of this, I wanted to go and play with my friends again but my sister really wanted me to stay. Since I really love her, and care for her, I decided to stay with her for the remainder of time we had left in the park. A loving and caring man is one part of my legacy that I want to leave.

Another thing that I want to leave as part of my legacy is I want the future generations of my family to know that I was intelligent. I would say that I'm smarter than the average bear; I'm obviously not the smartest, but I'm pretty intelligent. When I was in third grade, my teacher would give out 25 new spelling words at the beginning of each week. We were expected to study them and be able to take a spelling test on them at the end of each week. This one time, I saw this boy who really was struggling during our spelling test. I could see his face turning red and his hands shaking. It was as though someone placed the sun five feet away from him. I, on the other hand, didn't struggle at all during these spelling tests. I had yet to get a single word misspelled on one of these tests. My teacher noticed how well I was doing and asked me to participate in our school's third grade spelling bee. I said yes of course. It was I, and two other students, representing our third grade class. So it was a Tuesday night, the air was warm and eager, and so was I. We competed through multiple rounds of the spelling bee when finally we were in the final round. The score was tied between my class and this other third grade class. It was my turn. I was our team's last hope; if I got this last word correct, we would win it all. I was very tense and nervous. It was as though I was going to war for the first time. My sweat was beating down on me and I felt as though I couldn't stand up straight.

The word was photography. So I spelled it out for the judges: P-H-O-T-O-G-R-A-P-H-Y. The judges waited a few seconds, building up the suspense, then told me our team had won. I was very happy. When I die, I want my intelligence to be part of my family legacy.

The last thing I want to be part of my legacy is I want to make a change. When I was in kindergarten, we had a kindergarten graduation. As part of our ceremony, we had to go up in front of everyone and say what we wanted to be when we grow up; we also had to say how we wanted to change the world for the better. I couldn't think of anything to say in front of the audience. A couple of nights before our graduation, I was watching CSI (yes I know, not something a five year old should watch). While watching, I became inspired. I wanted to become a doctor when I grew up. That was my goal, but my dream was to come up with a vaccine that heals and prevents all illnesses. A couple of days later, I went up in front of the audience and said how I wanted to become a doctor and change the world by making everyone healthy. I got an abundance of applause. Seven years later, becoming a doctor isn't really what I wanted to be anymore. Although, I still want to make a change in this world. Out of all I want to be in my legacy, this is probably the most important.

"One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." These were the words Neil Armstrong spoke when he placed his first foot on the moon. His first footprint was the very first and oldest on the moon to this day. The nice perk about the moon is that every implant made on it will never erode away. That means Neil Armstrong's first step will be on the moon, and in our lives, forever. This is how I want my legacy to be. I want it to be within my family for eternity. I want my future generations to know that I was a loving and caring person, intelligent and wanting to make a change. My legacy may not be remembered forever, but I would like my legacy to live and breathe within the tapestry of my own family forever.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience. All parts of the task are effectively completed, and the writer leaves readers with a clear picture of the legacy he desires to leave behind for future generations.

The essay captures the readers’ attention by very effectively using a quotation to begin the introduction.

(“’For some, life lasts a short while, but the memories it holds last forever.’ A memory is a very powerful thought stored deep within your mind. The good memories stay with you forever and the bad ones even

longer. When you die, you leave a ‘trail of bread crumbs’ showing everyone the path you have taken in your life. This ‘trail of bread crumbs’ is called your legacy.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. (“A couple of nights before our graduation, I was watching CSI [yes I know, not something a five year old should watch]. While watching, I became inspired. I wanted to become a doctor when I grew up. That was my goal, but my dream was to come up with a vaccine that heals and prevents all illnesses. A couple of days later, I went up in front of the audience and said how I wanted to become a doctor and change the world by making everyone healthy. I got an abundance of applause. Seven years later, becoming a doctor isn't really what I wanted to be anymore. Although, I still want to make a change in this world. Out of all I want to be in my legacy, this is probably the most important.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“So it was a Tuesday night, the air was warm and eager, and so was I. We competed through multiple rounds of the spelling bee when finally we were in the final round. The score was tied between my class and this other third grade class. It was my turn. I was our team's last hope; if I got this last word correct, we would win it all. I was very tense and nervous. It was as though I was going to war for the first time. My sweat was beating down on me and I felt as though I couldn't stand up straight. The word was photography. So I spelled it out for the judges: P-H-O- T-O-G-R-A-P-H-Y. The judges waited a few seconds, building up the suspense, then told me our team had won. I was very happy. When I die, I want my intelligence to be part of my family legacy.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective use of content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details for support.

Relevant points explain and illustrate the writer’s desired legacy very effectively. (“So it was a Tuesday night, the air was warm and eager, and so was I. We competed through multiple rounds of the spelling bee when finally we were in the final round. The score was tied between my class and this other third grade class. It was my turn. I was our team's last hope; if I got this last word correct, we would win it all. I was very tense and nervous. It was as though I was going to war for the first time. My sweat was beating down on me and I felt as though I couldn't stand up straight. The word was photography. So I spelled it out for the judges: P-H-O-T-O-G-R-A-P-H-Y. The judges waited a few seconds, building up the suspense, then told me our team had won. I was very happy. When I die, I want my intelligence to be part of my family

legacy.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (“A couple of nights before our graduation, I was watching CSI [yes I know, not something a five year old should watch]. While watching, I became inspired. I wanted to become a doctor when I grew up. That was my goal, but my dream was to come up with a vaccine that heals and prevents all illnesses. A couple of days later, I went up in front of the audience and said how I wanted to become a doctor and change the world by making everyone healthy. I got an abundance of applause. Seven years later, becoming a doctor isn't really what I wanted to be anymore. Although, I still want to make a change in this world. Out of all I want to be in my legacy, this is probably the most important.”)

Specific information about the writer’s legacy is developed very effectively. (“It had been months since I was able to play in the park with my friends, and I was absolutely enjoying myself. I felt like a baby bird flying through the sky for the first time. While I was playing with my friends, my sister was playing tag with another little three year old. Then all of the sudden, she tripped and scraped her knee pretty excruciatingly. My mom quickly came to her aid. Instead of wanting the comfort of her mom, she kept saying my name. So I walked over to her and was giving her comfort. After about five minutes of this, I wanted to go and play with my friends again but my sister really wanted me to stay. Since I really love her, and care for her, I decided to stay with her for the remainder of time we had left in the park. A loving and

caring man is one part of my legacy that I want to leave.”)

Organization

The writer effectively captures the readers’ attention in the introduction by comparing legacies to bread crumbs that others can follow in the path of life. (“When you die, you leave a ‘trail of bread crumbs’ showing everyone the path you have taken in your life. This ‘trail of bread crumbs’ is called your legacy.

There are two very different paths you can take in your life. One path is very dark, perilous, and full of dangers and turmoil at every turn. The other path though, is bright, full of love, care, and happiness. When I die, I want people to know that I took the bright path. I want to leave a family legacy showing that I was a

loving and caring person, intelligent and wanting to make a change. These are the ‘bread crumbs’ that I want generation after generation of family to see.”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect ideas between paragraphs. (“To begin with, I want future generations of my family to see me as a loving and caring man. A person I constantly watch over and take care of is my little sister, Mary. She is very small and adorable. When I was around the age of eight and she was about three years old, she and I were playing in the park. It had been months since I was able to play in the park with my friends, and I was absolutely enjoying myself. I felt like a baby bird flying through the sky for the first time.”)

The writer includes a creative ending that references Neil Armstrong’s famous quote and compares his

footprint on the moon to the footprint our legacies leave on others when we die. (“‘One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.’ These were the words Neil Armstrong spoke when he placed his first foot on the moon. His first footprint was the very first and oldest on the moon to this day. The nice perk about the moon is that every implant made on it will never erode away. That means Neil Armstrong's first step will be on the moon, and in our lives, forever. This is how I want my legacy to be. I want it to be within my family for eternity. I want my future generations to know that I was a loving and caring person, intelligent and wanting to make a change. My legacy may not be remembered forever, but I would like my legacy to

live and breathe within the tapestry of my own family forever.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer chooses descriptive words to effectively describe the events that are shaping his legacy. (“When I was around the age of eight and she was about three years old, she and I were playing in the park. It had been months since I was able to play in the park with my friends, and I was absolutely enjoying myself. I felt like a baby bird flying through the sky for the first time. While I was playing with my friends, my sister was playing tag with another little three year old. Then all of the sudden, she tripped and scraped her knee pretty excruciatingly. My mom quickly came to her aid. Instead of wanting the comfort of her mom, she kept saying my name.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“There are two very different paths you can take in your life. One path is very dark, perilous, and full of dangers and turmoil at every turn. The other path though, is bright, full of love, care, and happiness. When I die, I want people to know that I took the bright path. I want to leave a family legacy showing that I was a loving and caring person, intelligent and wanting to make a change. These are the ‘bread crumbs’ that I want generation after

generation of family to see.”)

The writer demonstrates use of strong voice throughout the response. (“So it was a Tuesday night, the air was warm and eager, and so was I. We competed through multiple rounds of the spelling bee when finally we were in the final round. The score was tied between my class and this other third grade class. It was my turn. I was our team's last hope; if I got this last word correct, we would win it all. I was very tense and nervous. It was as though I was going to war for the first time. My sweat was beating down on me and I felt as though I couldn't stand up straight.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

letter, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“It was as though someone placed the sun five feet away from him. I, on the other hand, didn't struggle at all during these spelling tests. I had yet to get a single word misspelled on one of these tests. My teacher noticed how well I was doing and asked me to participate in our school's third grade spelling bee.”)

Model Essay

Dirk Benedict put forth, "Children are our legacies, our responsibility. They are our destiny and we are theirs. The extent to which we fail as parents, we fail as God's children." As the years go by, people believe as though that if they are not famous, they do not have a legacy. That, of course, is false doctrine.

Everybody has an exclusive identity and passes down their stories to their children, who leave it to theirs, and so on. I want my legacy to go on through my family. I desire them to cherish who I am and wish to be someone like me. I want my legacy to show that I am an inspiring violist because that is what my dreams and hopes are like. I also want them to remember me as a person that is a help to others in need of love.

Lastly, I yearn that they would know that I am a very educated and profitable person. If my legacy were to pass through the future, then it could inspire future family members and other citizens to be who they are or to be like me.

I wish that my legacy would include that I am a very talented and inspirational musician. A dream I have yearned for is to become a professional viola player and play in front of the world. I am a very strong musician and I believe that I can achieve my goal. I chose this because it could inspire others to dream a little and wish to be like me. Because my offspring can differentiate the way of music or create a new style, but either way, they could be inspired by anybody. An experience I have gone through is the story of my great grandfather. He was an incredible cellist and his songs were "full of life" as my grandfather says. He had a dream like mine, to be famous and perform. Sadly, he died due to disease and never got to complete his dream. This made me realize that I desire the same he wanted: to be a musician. After that, I began learning the viola and became a very confident player. Because of this story, I believe that my offspring could have desires like this as well.

When I am dead I want my legacy to include that I am a comforter and I helped people who needed it. Nowadays, bullying and absurd thoughts are attacking citizens and they feel as though no one can help. I want to be there for those people, and change what they conclude about themselves and the world. By doing these, it can help others know that people are in need of help. They can get that help if we are there for them. I want his in my legacy so they can be a better person and know what is right in life. I yearn that they could others as I have in the past. When people were embarrassing a kid and humiliating him for no good reason, I was there for him. I made him feel satisfied with things, and I stopped the humiliations. That is what I desire my offspring to do.

Finally, I desire that my legacy includes that I collected an education and I am very profitable. I ask of this because I want them to become victorious in the world, and get things they want. I also think that from this they can know that education is important. That nowadays, education is the base to better future. By being a wealthy and successful person in life, you can get rid of issues that come to others that miss the chances of an education. My future family needs to know that life is miserable if you do not take these chances of a lifetime. I want this in my legacy, so they can follow my good example of being successful.

Legacies are things that we all leave for our families, whether they are good or bad. They can show that those who have passed away were either strong or inspirational or destroyed themselves or something. I yearn for my legacy to include that I am an experienced and inspirational violist. I want this to inspire others and family members. I want my legacy to prove that I am a person that's there for others. This is because this can show them what things are right in the world and that we should help others. Lastly, I wish that my story to tell shares that I am an educated woman, and that I am very successful. I want this because it can show my offspring that education is very important in the world. Legacies can change a person's life forever through the things that our ancestors have done. I know this by experience in my life, and in the lives of those who have gone before me.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the essay. He/she establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience. Additionally, the writer satisfies most parts of the prompt task.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by using a quote in the introduction. (“Dirk Benedict put forth, ‘Children are our legacies, our responsibility. They are our destiny and we are theirs. The extent to which we fail as parents, we fail as God's children.’ As the years go by, people believe as though that if they are not famous, they do not have a legacy. That, of course, is false doctrine.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. (“Finally, I desire that my legacy includes that I collected an education and I am very profitable. I ask of this because I want them to become victorious in the world, and get things they want. I also think that from this they can know that education is important. That nowadays, education is the base to better future. By being a wealthy and successful person in life, you can get rid of issues that come to others that miss the chances of an education. My future family needs to know that life is miserable if you do not take these chances of a lifetime. I want this in my legacy, so they can follow my good example of being successful.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very well. (“Everybody has an exclusive identity and passes down their stories to their children, who leave it to theirs, and so on. I want my legacy to go on through my family. I desire them to cherish who I am and wish to be someone like me. I want my legacy to show that I am an inspiring violist because that is what my dreams and hopes are like. I also want them to remember me as a person that is a help to others in need of love. Lastly, I yearn that they would know that I am a very educated and profitable person. If my legacy were to pass through the future, then it could inspire future family members and other citizens to be who they are or to be like me.”)

Content & Development

There is good use of content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient appropriate details for support.

The content in the body of the paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain the main ideas. (“I wish that my legacy would include that I am a very talented and inspirational musician. A dream I have yearned for is to become a professional viola player and play in front of the world. I am a very strong musician and I believe that I can achieve my goal. I chose this because it could inspire others to dream a little and wish to be like me. Because my offspring can differentiate the way of music or create a new style, but either way, they could be inspired by anybody. An experience I have gone through is the story of my great grandfather. He was an incredible cellist and his songs were ‘full of life’ as my grandfather says. He had a dream like mine, to be famous and perform. Sadly, he died due to disease and never got to complete his dream. This made me realize that I desire the same he wanted: to be a musician. After that, I began learning the viola and became a very confident player. Because of this story, I believe that my offspring could have desires

like this as well.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea in the topic sentence. (“Finally, I desire that my legacy includes that I collected an education and I am very profitable. I ask of

this because I want them to become victorious in the world, and get things they want. I also think that from this they can know that education is important. That nowadays, education is the base to better future. By being a wealthy and successful person in life, you can get rid of issues that come to others that miss the chances of an education. My future family needs to know that life is miserable if you do not take these chances of a lifetime. I want this in my legacy, so they can follow my good example of being successful.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“When I am dead I want my legacy to include that I am a comforter and I helped people who needed it. Nowadays, bullying and absurd thoughts are attacking citizens and they feel as though no one can help. I want to be there for those people, and change what they

conclude about themselves and the world. By doing these, it can help others know that people are in need of help. They can get that help if we are there for them. I want his in my legacy so they can be a better person and know what is right in life.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates an effective introduction. (“Dirk Benedict put forth, ‘Children are our legacies, our responsibility. They are our destiny and we are theirs. The extent to which we fail as parents, we fail as God's children.’ As the years go by, people believe as though that if they are not famous, they do not have a legacy. That, of course, is false doctrine. Everybody has an exclusive identity and passes down their stories to their children, who leave it to theirs, and so on. I want my legacy to go on through my family.”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or sentences are used well. (“I wish that my legacy would include that I am a very talented and inspirational musician. A dream I have yearned for is to become a professional viola player and play in front of the world. I am a very strong musician and I believe that I can achieve my goal. I chose this because it could inspire others to dream a little and wish to be like me. Because my offspring can differentiate the way of music or create a new style, but either way, they could be inspired by anybody.”)

The conclusion provides readers with a summary of ideas and a sense of closure. (“Legacies can change a person's life forever through the things that our ancestors have done. I know this by experience in my life, and in the lives of those who have gone before me.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good language use, voice, and style throughout the essay. He/she demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, good voice, and a clear sense of audience. The essay presents well- structured sentences with some variety.

Language and tone are consistent. (“Finally, I desire that my legacy includes that I collected an education and I am very profitable. I ask of this because I want them to become victorious in the world, and get things they want. I also think that from this they can know that education is important. That nowadays, education is the base to better future. By being a wealthy and successful person in life, you can get rid of issues that come to others that miss the chances of an education. My future family needs to know that life is miserable if you do not take these chances of a lifetime. I want this in my legacy, so they can follow my good

example of being successful.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“When I am dead I want my legacy to include that I am a comforter and I helped people who needed it. Nowadays, bullying and absurd thoughts are attacking citizens and they feel as though no one can help. I want to be there for those people, and change what they conclude about themselves and the world. By doing these, it can help others know that people are in need of help. They can get that help if we are there for them. I want his in my legacy so they can be a better person and know what is right in life. I yearn that they could others as I have in the past.”)

The writer employs good word choice to describe the legacy he/she wishes to leave behind for future

generations. (“I wish that my legacy would include that I am a very talented and inspirational musician. A dream I have yearned for is to become a professional viola player and play in front of the world. I am a very strong musician and I believe that I can achieve my goal. I chose this because it could inspire others to dream a little and wish to be like me. Because my offspring can differentiate the way of music or create a new style, but either way, they could be inspired by anybody. An experience I have gone through is the

story of my great grandfather. He was an incredible cellist and his songs were ‘full of life’ as my grandfather says. He had a dream like mine, to be famous and perform.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement, appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“When people were embarrassing a kid and humiliating him for no good reason, I was there for him. I made him feel satisfied with things, and I stopped the humiliations. That is what I desire my offspring to do.”)

Model Essay

Your Legacy

Having a legacy is something you should be proud of. Knowing that you will be part of a certain type of history can be the best thing ever. It is the feeling that you get when you know that people will remember you and it will last a lifetime. Many important figures such as George Washington, Martin Luther King Jr., John F. Kennedy, and Gandhi have all impacted us in our lifetime. That's what many people like to strive for in our lifetime, to make a global impact. The term legacy can be mean in any sort of different way.

Whether it is to help society like Martin Luther King or to harm it such as the terrorist group, Al-Qaeda, everyone has their own way of legacy.

My family does not have that much of a successful legacy. The only legacy that I could say is successful is that my father had gone through the Marines and had survived the ordeals. Other than that, no one in my family has done anything successful or have changed the world in any point in their lifetime. Many people in my family have said many times that I will be the difference and that they know I will turn out successful. Everyone tells me that I'm smart and hardworking but I have to prove them that I am able to do work.

I want to also leave a legacy before I die. I want people to remember me as a kind, normal, and understanding human being. My legacy would include helping human life and trying to make a better tomorrow. I want to become a journalist and I know that I'll be seeing and experiencing incredible things. I want to make people feel more aware that the world is not well-cared and kind as we think. To expose all these flaws in the world will help me show others how we live in our difficult society. After doing such task, I want to help the less fortunate by setting up charities and giving them full support for survival.

Leaving a legacy is also very hard to do. To actually leave a legacy will be a long road to achieve. In today's society, you have to do something extraordinary and something no has done. Being a journalist and letting people read and listen to you is not as easy as it looks. For me to actually make a huge impact on the world, I would have to risk my life on something such as other people who had left a legacy. If it is for the good of the Earth then I will do whatever it takes to make it better to live in.

In conclusion, when a person like me who had never had someone in his family have a good legacy, I want to have the best one. I want to people to realize that love and kindness can help impact the world. People will remember me as a good and understanding and willing to help less fortunate. Just to see people who are less fortunate than me makes me feel that i should do something. I do not care if that I have to risk my life to help others, if it makes me feel 100% then I'll do it no matter what. Knowing that I will be impacting the world would be the best legacy to have and to let my children be proud of for many generations.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer adequately asserts the kind of legacy he/she wants to leave behind to the intended audience. (“I want to also leave a legacy before I die. I want people to remember me as a kind, normal, and understanding human being. My legacy would include helping human life and trying to make a better

tomorrow.”)

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The essay is devoted to informing the readers of his/her legacy and provides details to illustrate it. (“I want to become a journalist and I know that I'll be seeing and experiencing incredible things. I want to make people feel more aware that the world is not well-cared and kind as we think. To expose all these flaws in the world will help me show others how we live in our difficult society. After doing such task, I want to help the less fortunate by setting up charities

and giving them full support for survival.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“I want to people to realize that love and kindness can help impact the world. People will remember me as a good and understanding and willing to help less fortunate. Just to see people who are less fortunate than me makes me feel that i should do something. I do not care if that I have to risk my life to help others, if it

makes me feel 100% then I'll do it no matter what.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support.

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“My family does not have that much of a successful legacy. The only legacy that I could say is successful is that my father had gone through the Marines and had survived the ordeals. Other than that, no one in my family has done anything successful or have changed the world in any point in their lifetime. Many people in my family have said many times that I will be the difference and that they know I will turn out successful. Everyone tells me that I'm smart and hardworking but I have to prove them that I am able to do work.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“I want to also leave a legacy before I die. I want people to remember me as a kind, normal, and understanding human being. My legacy would include helping human life and trying to make a better tomorrow. I want to become a journalist and I know that I'll be seeing and experiencing incredible things. I want to make people feel more aware that the world is not well-cared and kind as we think. To expose all these flaws in the world will help me show others how we live in our difficult society. After doing such task, I want to help

the less fortunate by setting up charities and giving them full support for survival.”)

The writer provides anecdotal examples that are relevant. (“Leaving a legacy is also very hard to do. To actually leave a legacy will be a long road to achieve. In today's society, you have to do something extraordinary and something no has done. Being a journalist and letting people read and listen to you is not as easy as it looks. For me to actually make a huge impact on the world, I would have to risk my life on something such as other people who had left a legacy. If it is for the good of the Earth then I will do

whatever it takes to make it better to live in.”)

Organization

The beginning of the essay demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by asserting that everyone has a legacy. The writer underscores this point by naming famous people who have left their

marks on the world. (“Having a legacy is something you should be proud of. Knowing that you will be part of a certain type of history can be the best thing ever. It is the feeling that you get when you know that people will remember you and it will last a lifetime. Many important figures such as George Washington, Martin Luther King Jr., John F. Kennedy, and Gandhi have all impacted us in our lifetime. That's what many people like to strive for in our lifetime, to make a global impact. The term legacy can be mean in any sort of different way. Whether it is to help society like Martin Luther King or to harm it such as the terrorist group, Al-Qaeda, everyone has their own way of legacy.”)

Subtle transitions are used to connect ideas. (“Leaving a legacy is also very hard to do. To actually leave a legacy will be a long road to achieve. In today's society, you have to do something extraordinary and something no has done. Being a journalist and letting people read and listen to you is not as easy as it looks. For me to actually make a huge impact on the world, I would have to risk my life on something such as other people who had left a legacy. If it is for the good of the Earth then I will do whatever it takes to make it better to live in.”) The writer should incorporate more transitions to connect the ideas in a more meaningful way.

The conclusion gives the readers a sense of closure. (“In conclusion, when a person like me who had never had someone in his family have a good legacy, I want to have the best one. I want to people to realize that love and kindness can help impact the world. People will remember me as a good and understanding and willing to help less fortunate. Just to see people who are less fortunate than me makes me feel that i should do something. I do not care if that I have to risk my life to help others, if it makes me feel 100% then I'll do it no matter what. Knowing that I will be impacting the world would be the best legacy to have and to let my children be proud of for many generations.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“In today's society, you have to do something extraordinary and something no has done. Being a journalist and letting people read and listen to you is not as easy as it looks.

For me to actually make a huge impact on the world, I would have to risk my life on something such as other people who had left a legacy.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the response. The writer provides language that

adequately describes his/her desired legacy to the intended audience. (“I want to also leave a legacy before I die. I want people to remember me as a kind, normal, and understanding human being. My legacy would include helping human life and trying to make a better tomorrow. I want to become a journalist and I know that I'll be seeing and experiencing incredible things. I want to make people feel more aware that the world is not well-cared and kind as we think. To expose all these flaws in the world will help me show others how we live in our difficult society. After doing such task, I want to help the less fortunate by setting up

charities and giving them full support for survival.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the essay. (“Many important figures such as George Washington, Martin Luther King Jr., John F. Kennedy, and Gandhi have all impacted us in our lifetime. That's what many people like to strive fo r in our lifetime, to make a global

impact. The term legacy can be mean in any sort of different way. Whether it is to help society like Martin Luther King or to harm it such as the terrorist group, Al-Qaeda, everyone has their own way of legacy.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

that I'm smart and hardworking but I have to prove them that I am able to do work.”)

Model Essay

Some legacy in my familys history would probably be trucking, not sure i would like to do it but its known as a common job in my family my dad is a big time trucker he use to travel around the united states to many different places his family members with him, trucking doesnt sound like a fun job but you are helping others get things they need done and also you are spending time with your family if they are aloud to be tagged along.

One of the legacys I would like to put in my family is probably being like something along the path of a high skilled job like doctor or nurse or a lowyer or something in thoes high standers. I want to be the second person in my family to graduate also my family is not the family that is often in the graduation zone. I think that the main legacy i want to be in my family is nursing because most of my family is girls and most nurses are girls!

Another reason i want nursing to be a legacy is because it is a good paying job and people actualy enjoy helping others with there problems. A legacy isnt really in my family the only main thing is trucking, and thats only because of my dad so if choosing a legacy for my family and sticking to it I would have to go along the edges of nursing or doctor!

This job is very specific in my personal view like most people should be looking up to growing up and being something like a nurse because its a well paying job and your thinking about more than just your self you are helping others with there needs and there familys with them knowing everything is going to be okay, because they have a good doctor and a nurse that knows what there doing, because they went to school for it.

It takes effort in becoming the thing you would like to be in life you have to work hard and live up to your exspectations and do all you can, if thats what you really want. Sometimes if thats what you really want to be then you work 24/7 to do what you have too, to get hired! Its not easy just saying you want to be somthing and growing up thinking your going to be that you have to go through all your school grades plus colage depending on your choices. I think any thing could be someones legacy if they put effort into working for it and they are for shore thats what they want in life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the essay. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she provides limited descriptions and details that may not give the readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Only some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The essay states the controlling idea in a very limited way. (“Some legacy in my familys history would probably be trucking, not sure i would like to do it but its known as a common job in my family my dad is a big time trucker he use to travel around the united states to many different places his family members with him, trucking doesnt sound like a fun job but you are helping others get things they need done and also you are spending time with your family if they are aloud to be tagged along.”)

The writer’s focus is limited. He/she focuses more on information about nursing and less on a lasting

legacy based on deeds. (“This job is very specific in my personal view like most people should be looking up to growing up and being something like a nurse because its a well paying job and your thinking about more than just your self you are helping others with there needs and there familys with them knowing everything is going to be okay, because they have a good doctor and a nurse that knows what there doing, because they went to school for it.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the essay and should include more meaningful examples to illustrate the legacy he/she wants to leave behind. Including accomplishments or deeds would help the readers picture the desired legacy in their minds. (“One of the legacys I would like to put in my family is probably being like something along the path of a high skilled job like doctor or nurse or a lowyer or

something in thoes high standers. I want to be the second person in my family to graduate also my family is not the family that is often in the graduation zone. I think that the main legacy i want to be in my family is nursing because most of my family is girls and most nurses are girls!”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The essay develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support.

The essay uses limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Another reason i want nursing to be a legacy is because it is a good paying job and people actualy enjoy helping others with there problems. A legacy isnt really in my family the only main thing is trucking, and thats only because of my dad so if choosing a

legacy for my family and sticking to it I would have to go along the edges of nursing or doctor!”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. (“This job is very specific in my personal view like most people should be looking up to growing up and being something like a nurse because its a well paying job and your thinking about more than just your self you are helping others with there needs and there familys with them knowing everything is going to be okay, because they have a good doctor and a nurse that knows what there doing, because they went to school for it.”)

The explanations and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“One of the legacys I would like to put in my family is probably being like something along the path of a high skilled job like doctor or nurse or a lowyer or something in thoes high standers. I want to be the second person in my family to graduate also my family is not the family that is often in the graduation zone. I think that the main legacy i want to be in my family is nursing because most of my family is girls and most

nurses are girls!”)

Organization

The essay’s introduction is unfocused and does not clearly assert what the writer will discuss in the essay. (“Some legacy in my familys history would probably be trucking, not sure i would like to do it but its known as a common job in my family my dad is a big time trucker he use to travel around the united states to many different places his family members with him, trucking doesnt sound like a fun job but you are helping others get things they need done and also you are spending time with your family if they are aloud to be tagged along.”)

Stronger transitions between paragraphs and between sentences are needed to enhance the flow of the

writer’s ideas. (“Another reason i want nursing to be a legacy is because it is a good paying job and people actualy enjoy helping others with there problems. A legacy isnt really in my family the only main thing is trucking, and thats only because of my dad so if choosing a legacy for my family and sticking to it I would have to go along the edges of nursing or doctor!”)

Although the concluding paragraph provides the readers with a sense of closure, it does not summarize the main ideas or leave readers with something to think about. (“I think any thing could be someones legacy if they put effort into working for it and they are for shore thats what they want in life.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates a limited use of language, voice, and style. The essay reveals simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, the word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

There are run-on sentences in the essay. (“This job is very specific in my personal view like most people should be looking up to growing up and being something like a nurse because its a well paying job and your thinking about more than just your self you are helping others with there needs and there familys with them knowing everything is going to be okay, because they have a good doctor and a nurse that knows what there doing, because they went to school for it.”)

Sentence structures are weak and word choices are simple and repetitive. (“I want to be the second person in my family to graduate also my family is not the family that is often in the graduation zone. I think that the main legacy i want to be in my family is nursing because most of my family is girls and most nurses are girls!”)

The sentences are too informal, and the word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“Another reason i want nursing to be a legacy is because it is a good paying job and people actualy enjoy helping others with there problems. A legacy isnt really in my family the only main thing is trucking, and thats only because of my dad so if choosing a legacy for my family and sticking to it I would have to go along the edges of nursing or doctor!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

skilled job like doctor or nurse or a lowyer or something in thoes high standers.”) The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

If i were to die today, i would want to be remembered by my peers as the person who could put a smile on everyone's face, the person who could brighten anyone's day. most people who know me can honestly say that i am a real easy going person and someone who loves to have a good time, whenever people are with me they always have a smile on their face. I also would want to be remembered as the person everyone could trust, because i am in fact a very trust worthy person, and it means a lot to me knowing people can trust me with anything.

I would want my family to remember me as the one who was always there to help them, to talk to, and someone who pushed everyone to try harder and not to stop until they have reached their goal. I want my girlfriends to remember me as the one who was the most romantic and kind hearted person they have ever met, and one of the very few who is completely faithful. I conclusion, i just want to be remembered as someone who made every situation a good one, a hard worker, kind hearted, and loyal.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. He/she suggests a controlling idea but demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. As a result, the writer completes few parts of the task.

The essay only minimally states a central/controlling idea. The writer misses the opportunity to elaborate on the specific things he/she will do to leave a lasting legacy. Providing more details at every turn in a

response creates a richly textured message that gives the readers a clear picture of the writer’s ideas.

(“If i were to die today, i would want to be remembered by my peers as the person who could put a smile on everyone's face, the person who could brighten anyone's day. most people who know me can honestly say that i am a real easy going person and someone who loves to have a good time, whenever people are with me they always have a smile on their face.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give the readers a true sense of the

legacy being described. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“I also would want to be remembered as the person everyone could trust, because i am in fact a very trust worthy person, and it means a lot to me knowing people can trust me with anything.”)

The writer’s details are minimally developed. (“I want my girlfriends to remember me as the one who was the most romantic and kind hearted person they have ever met, and one of the very few who is completely faithful.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal evidence of content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s thesis statement. (“I also would want to be remembered as the person everyone could trust, because i am in fact a very trust worthy person, and it means a lot to me knowing people can trust me with anything.”)

In this two-paragraph essay, the writer does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“I would want my family to remember me as the one who was always there to help them, to talk to, and someone who pushed everyone to try harder and not to stop until they have reached their goal.”)

Details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. Details should include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations that would give readers a clear picture of the legacy the writer wishes to leave behind. (“I want my girlfriends to remember me as the one who was the most romantic and kind hearted person they have ever met, and one of the very few who is completely faithful.”)

Organization

The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“If i were to die today, i would want to be remembered by my peers as the person who could put a smile on everyone's face, the person who could brighten anyone's day. most people who know me can honestly say that i am a real easy going person and someone who loves to have a good time, whenever people are with me they always have a smile on their face.”)

There is little evidence of transitional devices to help connect ideas. (“I also would want to be remembered as the person everyone could trust, because i am in fact a very trust worthy person, and it means a lot to me knowing people can trust me with anything.”)

The essay does little to include a strong conclusion. (“I conclusion, i just want to be remembered as someone who made every situation a good one, a hard worker, kind hearted, and loyal.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence structures are weak. (“If i were to die today, i would want to be remembered by my peers as the person who could put a smile on everyone's face, the person who could brighten anyone's day. most people who know me can honestly say that i am a real easy going person and someone who loves to have a good time, whenever people are with me they always have a smile on their face.”)

Exact words are missing, which can affect meaning. (“I conclusion, i just want to be remembered as someone who made every situation a good one, a hard worker, kind hearted, and loyal.”)

The writer relies on simple, repetitive word choices. (“I also would want to be remembered as the person everyone could trust, because i am in fact a very trust worthy person, and it means a lot to me knowing people can trust me with anything.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is minimal. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, which interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized essay. (“If i were to die today, i would want to be remembered by my peers as the person who could put a smile on everyone's face, the person who could brighten anyone's day. most people who know me can honestly say that i am a real easy going person and someone who loves to have a good time, whenever people are with me they always have a smile on their face.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Model Essay

i have a lot in life that i would like for people to know about me when i live this earth first i would like my son to know that i was a very respectful person to not only my parents put to my friends and other adults. i also was a very happy person no matter if i had a bad day or not. i never let people get me down when i was happy always be happy never let some one take your happyness form you.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is inadequate use of focus and meaning in the essay. The writer fails to sustain the controlling idea and demonstrates no understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience. The writer does not adequately complete any parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“i have a lot in life that i would like for people to know about me when i live this earth first i would like my son to know that i was a very respectful person to not only my parents put to my friends and other adults.”)

The essay does not clearly state a central/controlling idea. (“i also was a very happy person no matter if i had a bad day or not.”)

The essay’s lack of specific details renders the writer’s message ineffective and incomplete. (“i never let people get me down when i was happy always be happy never let some one take your happyness form you.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer neglects to develop ideas, using no details for support.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“i also was a very happy person no matter if i had a bad day or not.”)

In this one-paragraph response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs. At least three main ideas should be included as evidence. (“i have a lot in life that i would like for people to know about me when i live this earth first i would like my son to know that i was a very respectful person to not only my parents put to my friends and other adults. i also was a very happy person no matter if i had a bad day or not. i never let people get me down when i was happy always be happy never let some one take your happyness form you.”)

Details are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Details could include examples, facts, brief

narratives, or explanations to bring the writer’s ideas to life. (“i never let people get me down when i was happy always be happy never let some one take your happyness form you.”)

Organization

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“i have a lot in life that i would like for people to know about me when i live this earth first i would like my son to know that i was a very

respectful person to not only my parents put to my friends and other adults.”)

Transitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“i also was a very happy person no matter if i had a bad day or not.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“i never let people get me down when i was happy always be happy never let some one take your happyness form you.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style is inadequate. He/she demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentence structures are weak and repetitive. (“i also was a very happy person no matter if i had a bad day or not. i never let people get me down when i was happy always be happy never let some one take your happyness form you.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“i also was a very happy person no matter if i had a bad day or not.”)

The writer relies on simple sentences and word choices. (“i have a lot in life that i would like for people to know about me when i live this earth first i would like my son to know that i was a very respectful person to not only my parents put to my friends and other adults.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Each of us has a name that makes us unique and helps to identify who we are. Using books, the Internet, or other resources, research the etymology of your name, its use in mythology or religion, and the naming traditions of your family or culture.

Then, write a well-developed essay in which you discuss the meaning of your name, the naming traditions of your culture, and what your name means to you.

Model Essay

As human beings, once we're born, we receive our most cherished and prized possession: our name, which plays a significant role in one's identity. Although, in my opinion, I believe names are greater than letters being arranged to create a word- no, your name is a title, a unique gift, which allows you to be identified and distinguished amongst other people. And somewhat similar to your ordinary gift, this gift is wrapped with sentiment, yet when unraveled lies an intangible meaning. So, I began to quench my thirst for knowledge by investigating and learning where and whom my gift is from; however, my primary priority is to obtain the answer of my ultimate question: What does the name, Marcus, mean?

Initially, before discovering the additional meanings, of my name, I found this particular one to be the most intriguing and compelling. Fascinatingly, Marcus means marital, warlike; origin Latin. This specific meaning was derived from the mythological Roman God of War, Mars. Thus, another question was sparked: who's Mars? Mars was a well-renowned and treasured God of War; furthermore, he was praised by the Roman Legions. Although, prior to all of this popularity, Mars was the Roman god of fertility and vegetation and a protector of cattle. And to some extent, I, too, have been at the bottom of the ranks, but now, I have transitioned to the next phase in my life, the war; becoming warlike, relentlessly being prepared for the war of LIFE! Life is an eternal battlefield of constant struggle. Even though I've acquired and been equipped with the necessary skills for this everlasting fight, my demeanor may be belligerent and grouchy, yet I consider these traits you must possess so you won't feel inclined to submit to the other individuals. Personally, I believe these are, simply, a few characteristics of a soldier with tremendous willpower to survive in a society such as nowadays.

Secondly, the other meaning of Marcus I stumbled across was hammer; origin Gaelic. At first, I pondered what possible meaning could a hammer have. Afterwards, once digesting the word in its entirety, a meaning dawned on me. According to my research, Mark is originated in the word Marcus, and I, merely, used the denotation of the verb mark to determine the symbolism of the hammer. And according to the dictionary, mark means: impacting; applying force, leaving an impression upon. And, I know, without the slightest doubt, I can be wacky, hostile, a know-it-all, and I'm bound to remark where comments are least needed; however, these are some of the mental nails I have pounded into my peers, family, and other people's recollections of me.

Lastly, the third meaning of my name, which surfaced during my investigation, in a bible, was polite; shining; origin Latin. In the bible, instead of my actual name, Marcus being used, Mark is used instead. While reading the bible, there was an incident where Mark accompanied Paul and Barnabas, on their first missionary voyage. Later on, the three returned before completing their trip, and it stills remains a mystery why; followed by that Paul and Barnabas got into a verbal-altercation. Paul didn't want Mark to accompany him and Barnabas on another missionary, yet Barnabas defended his cousin. Unfortunately, it's ridiculous that it took the two, Mark and Paul, to be incarcerated, in Rome, for Paul to notice his faults and apologize. I was taught that in spite of what a person might have done, you remain warm and friendly because whomever wronged you are likely to notice the error of their ways, and to this day I refrain from my

ranting and raving; to be honest, what does it solve? Response: Nothing! Being polite emits a radiance of maturity.

In the long run, it might have taken me some time to unwrap my gift, but now I know it's from Gaelic and Latin, and I'm truly grateful for it. Undeniably, thieves are prevalent everywhere in this world. However, this is one possession that can't be stolen, unless you allow others the right to-do-so. In this gift lies more than just authority, respect, audacity, and sophistication; it lies ME! I learned it's not what you're called, but it's what you respond to, and I will only respond to Marcus.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are captured in this essay. It establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea, demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, completes all parts of the task, and may go beyond the limits of the task.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by very effectively using an interesting statement or a question in the beginning of the introduction. (“As human beings, once we're born, we receive our most cherished and prized possession: our name, which plays a significant role in one's identity. Although, in my opinion, I believe names are greater than letters being arranged to create a word- no, your name is a title, a unique gift, which allows you to be identified and distinguished amongst other people. And somewhat similar to your ordinary gift, this gift is wrapped with sentiment, yet when unraveled lies an intangible meaning. So, I began to quench my thirst for knowledge by investigating and learning where and whom my gift is from; however, my primary priority is to obtain the answer of my ultimate question: What does the name,

Marcus, mean?”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central idea very effectively. (“Secondly, the other meaning of Marcus I stumbled across was hammer; origin Gaelic.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“So, I began to quench my thirst for knowledge by investigating and learning where and whom my gift is from; however, my primary priority is to obtain the answer of my ultimate question: What does the name, Marcus, mean?”)

Content & Development

The essay contains very effective content and development. Ideas are developed fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details for support.

The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea.

(“Initially, before discovering the additional meanings, of my name, I found this particular one to be the most intriguing and compelling. Fascinatingly, Marcus means marital, warlike; origin Latin. This specific meaning was derived from the mythological Roman God of War, Mars. Thus, another question was sparked: who's Mars? Mars was a well-renowned and treasured God of War; furthermore, he was praised by the Roman Legions. Although, prior to all of this popularity, Mars was the Roman god of fertility and vegetation and a protector of cattle. And to some extent, I, too, have been at the bottom of the ranks, but now, I have transitioned to the next phase in my life, the war; becoming warlike, relentlessly being

prepared for the war of LIFE!”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (“Secondly, the other meaning of Marcus I stumbled across was hammer; origin Gaelic. At first, I pondered what possible meaning could a hammer have. Afterwards, once digesting the word in its entirety, a meaning dawned on me. According to my research, Mark is originated in the word Marcus, and I, merely, used the denotation of the verb mark to determine the symbolism of the hammer. And according to the dictionary, mark means: impacting; applying force, leaving an impression upon. And, I know, without the slightest doubt, I can be wacky, hostile, a know-it-all, and I'm bound to remark where comments are least needed; however, these are some of the mental nails I have pounded into my peers, family, and other people's recollections of me.”)

Specific information about the origin of the writer’s name is developed very effectively. (“Lastly, the third meaning of my name, which surfaced during my investigation, in a bible, was polite; shining; origin Latin. In the bible, instead of my actual name, Marcus being used, Mark is used instead. While reading the bible, there was an incident where Mark accompanied Paul and Barnabas, on their first missionary voyage. Later on, the three returned before completing their trip, and it stills remains a mystery why; followed by that Paul and Barnabas got into a verbal-altercation. Paul didn't want Mark to accompany him and Barnabas on another missionary, yet Barnabas defended his cousin. Unfortunately, it's ridiculous that it took the two, Mark and Paul, to be incarcerated, in Rome, for Paul to notice his faults and apologize. I was taught that in spite of what a person might have done, you remain warm and friendly because whomever wronged you are likely to notice the error of their ways, and to this day I refrain from my ranting and raving; to be honest, what does it solve? Response: Nothing! Being polite emits a radiance of maturity.”)

Organization

Very effective organization can be detected throughout the essay. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, effective use of paragraphing, and effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“As human beings, once we're born, we receive our most cherished and prized possession: our name, which plays a significant role in one's identity. Although, in my opinion, I believe names are greater than letters being arranged to create a word- no, your name is a title, a unique gift, which allows you to be identified and distinguished amongst other people. And somewhat similar to your ordinary gift, this gift is wrapped with sentiment, yet when unraveled lies an intangible meaning. So, I began to quench my thirst for knowledge by investigating and learning where and whom my gift is from; however, my primary priority is to obtain the answer of my ultimate question: What does the name, Marcus, mean?”)

The introduction includes very effective background information about the topic. (“As human beings, once we're born, we receive our most cherished and prized possession: our name, which plays a significant role in one's identity. Although, in my opinion, I believe names are greater than letters being arranged to create a word- no, your name is a title, a unique gift, which allows you to be identified and distinguished amongst other people. And somewhat similar to your ordinary gift, this gift is wrapped with sentiment, yet when unraveled lies an intangible meaning. So, I began to quench my thirst for knowledge by investigating and learning where and whom my gift is from; however, my primary priority is to obtain the answer of my

ultimate question: What does the name, Marcus, mean?”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“Initially, before discovering the additional meanings, of my name, I found this particular one to be the most intriguing and compelling. …Secondly, the other meaning of Marcus I stumbled across was hammer; origin Gaelic. … Lastly, the third meaning of my name, which surfaced during my investigation, in a bible, was polite; shining; origin Latin.”)

Language Use & Style

Very effective language use and style are conveyed through the essay. The writing demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience; well-structured and varied sentences are used as well.

The language and tone are consistent. (“Secondly, the other meaning of Marcus I stumbled across was hammer; origin Gaelic. At first, I pondered what possible meaning could a hammer have. Afterwards, once digesting the word in its entirety, a meaning dawned on me. According to my research, Mark is originated in the word Marcus, and I, merely, used the denotation of the verb mark to determine the symbolism of the hammer.”)

most intriguing and compelling. Fascinatingly, Marcus means marital, warlike; origin Latin. This specific meaning was derived from the mythological Roman God of War, Mars. Thus, another question was sparked: who's Mars? Mars was a well-renowned and treasured God of War; furthermore, he was praised by the Roman Legions. Although, prior to all of this popularity, Mars was the Roman god of fertility and vegetation and a protector of cattle. And to some extent, I, too, have been at the bottom of the ranks, but now, I have transitioned to the next phase in my life, the war; becoming warlike, relentlessly being prepared for the war of LIFE! Life is an eternal battlefield of constant struggle. Even though I've acquired and been equipped with the necessary skills for this everlasting fight, my demeanor may be belligerent and grouchy, yet I consider these traits you must possess so you won't feel inclined to submit to the other individuals. Personally, I believe these are, simply, a few characteristics of a soldier with tremendous

willpower to survive in a society such as nowadays. …Secondly, the other meaning of Marcus I stumbled across was hammer; origin Gaelic. At first, I pondered what possible meaning could a hammer have.

Afterwards, once digesting the word in its entirety, a meaning dawned on me. According to my research, Mark is originated in the word Marcus, and I, merely, used the denotation of the verb mark to determine the symbolism of the hammer. And according to the dictionary, mark means: impacting; applying force, leaving an impression upon. And, I know, without the slightest doubt, I can be wacky, hostile, a know-it- all, and I'm bound to remark where comments are least needed; however, these are some of the mental nails I have pounded into my peers, family, and other people's recollections of me.”)

The following complex sentence is used effectively: “Afterwards, once digesting the word in its entirety, a meaning dawned on me.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions. Few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling exist. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“Afterwards, once digesting the word in its entirety, a meaning dawned on me.”)

Model Essay

The simplicity of my name can fool many. Four letters, two syllables, and it is easily uttered. Do not be mistaken; there is more than meets the eye. Any form of pronunciation, from babies to kids to adults, the sound is always delightful. Olga is my name. It automatically springs forth like the bright colors of a cheerful clown. It conveys a sense of joy and excitement like a child anxiously awaiting a birthday party or a father awaiting the birth of his first new born son. My name derives from a Russian princess who was considered to be the first saint of the Russian Orthodox Church, which is why Olga means holy.

My name, the only thing I will always retain from my parents for as long as I live, is who I am. My father named me after a famous Hispanic artist. I guess he figured the name would suit me well, and it truly does. From beginning to end, Olga embodies my personality. It is simple and elegant like silver, yet can be as complex as tying a bow. A tint of black, some white shine, and thus silver is created; the perfect combination of colors to create a silver name. Compared to an object, the elegance of a bow clearly embodies my name. The steps in tying a bow are merely three, but the procedures take time. Three is the key number. The three precise steps in tying an extraordinary bow are to first create the loops, then tie the knot, and finally complete the bow. When pronouncing my name, the middle part, similar to tying the knot of a bow, is the hardest. The last two letters of my name are much easier to pronounce, even from a baby, similar to the completion of a bow, which simply falls into place.

The name Olga, according to an on-line name analysis website, embodies a person who "appreciates the finer things in life and looks for quality in her material possessions." I personally feel that my name truly does say everything needed to know about me. Four letters can definitely say much about a person.

As light and fluffy as the sweet taste of whip cream, as smooth yet sharp as the palpable touch of an underwater rock, and as spontaneous and mysterious as the sound of the whirling wind, my name fits me perfectly. It is the sweet aromatic smell of a hot delicious meal on a growling stomach and the cherry on top of a hot fudge sundae. I truly cannot complain about any aspect of the name Olga.

I feel as though my name suits me just right. I would never change my name to anything other than Olga. The simplicity structure of a four-letter word yet complex analysis captivates me and precisely captures my personality. I am completely satisfied with my name. I can proudly introduce myself as Olga to anyone.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay shows evidence of good focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience, completing most parts of the task.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by using an interesting statement or a question in the beginning of the introduction. (“The simplicity of my name can fool many. Four letters, two syllables, and it is easily uttered. Do not be mistaken; there is more than meets the eye. Any form of pronunciation, from babies to

kids to adults, the sound is always delightful. Olga is my name. It automatically springs forth like the bright colors of a cheerful clown. It conveys a sense of joy and excitement like a child anxiously awaiting a birthday party or a father awaiting the birth of his first new born son. My name derives from a Russian princess who was considered to be the first saint of the Russian Orthodox Church, which is why Olga

means holy.”)

The language of the thesis fits the effective examples very well. (“My name derives from a Russian princess who was considered to be the first saint of the Russian Orthodox Church, which is why Olga means holy.”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about the meaning of the writer’s name. (“The name Olga, according to an on-line name analysis website, embodies a person who ‘appreciates the finer things in life and looks for quality in her material possessions.’ I personally feel that my name truly does say everything needed to know about me. Four letters can definitely say much about a person.”)

Content & Development

The essay consists of good content and development. Ideas are developed clearly, using sufficient appropriate details as support.

The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“My name, the only thing I will always retain from my parents for as long as I live, is who I am. My father named me after a famous Hispanic artist. I guess he figured the name would suit me well, and it truly does. From beginning to end, Olga embodies my personality. It is simple and elegant like silver, yet can be as complex as tying a bow. A tint of black, some white shine, and thus silver is created; the perfect combination of colors to create a silver name. Compared to an object, the elegance of a bow clearly embodies my name. The steps in tying a bow are merely three, but the procedures take time. Three is the key number. The three precise steps in tying an extraordinary bow are to first create the loops, then tie the knot, and finally complete the bow. When pronouncing my name, the middle part, similar to tying the knot of a bow, is the hardest. The last two letters of my name are much easier to pronounce, even from a baby, similar to the completion of a bow, which simply falls into place.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“My name, the only thing I will always retain from my parents for as long as I live, is who I am. My father

named me after a famous Hispanic artist. I guess he figured the name would suit me well, and it truly does. From beginning to end, Olga embodies my personality. It is simple and elegant like silver, yet can be as complex as tying a bow. A tint of black, some white shine, and thus silver is created; the perfect combination of colors to create a silver name. Compared to an object, the elegance of a bow clearly embodies my name. The steps in tying a bow are merely three, but the procedures take time. Three is the key number. The three precise steps in tying an extraordinary bow are to first create the loops, then tie the knot, and finally complete the bow. When pronouncing my name, the middle part, similar to tying the knot of a bow, is the hardest. The last two letters of my name are much easier to pronounce, even from a baby, similar to the completion of a bow, which simply falls into place.”)

Specific information about how the writer’s name sounds is developed clearly. (“As light and fluffy as the sweet taste of whip cream, as smooth yet sharp as the palpable touch of an underwater rock, and as spontaneous and mysterious as the sound of the whirling wind, my name fits me perfectly. It is the sweet aromatic smell of a hot delicious meal on a growling stomach and the cherry on top of a hot fudge sundae. I truly cannot complain about any aspect of the name Olga.”)

Organization

Good organization is found in the essay. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and consistent use of transitional devices.

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“The simplicity of my name can fool many. Four letters, two syllables, and it is easily uttered. Do not be mistaken; there is more than meets the eye. Any form of pronunciation, from babies to kids to adults, the sound is always delightful. Olga is my name. It automatically springs forth like the bright colors of a cheerful clown. It conveys a sense of joy and excitement like a child anxiously awaiting a birthday party or a father awaiting the birth of his first new born son. My name derives from a Russian princess who was considered to be the first saint of the Russian Orthodox Church, which is why Olga means holy.”)

The introduction includes adequate background information about the topic. (“The simplicity of my name can fool many. Four letters, two syllables, and it is easily uttered. Do not be mistaken; there is more than meets the eye. Any form of pronunciation, from babies to kids to adults, the sound is always delightful.

Olga is my name. It automatically springs forth like the bright colors of a cheerful clown. It conveys a sense of joy and excitement like a child anxiously awaiting a birthday party or a father awaiting the birth of his first new born son. My name derives from a Russian princess who was considered to be the first saint of the Russian Orthodox Church, which is why Olga means holy.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“From beginning to end, Olga embodies my personality. It is simple and elegant like silver, yet can be as complex as tying a bow. A tint of black, some white shine, and thus silver is created; the perfect combination of colors to create a silver name. Compared to an object, the elegance of a bow clearly embodies my name.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style is good. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; well-structured sentences with some variety are used as well.

The descriptive language and tone are consistent. (“The name Olga, according to an on-line name analysis website, embodies a person who ‘appreciates the finer things in life and looks for quality in her material possessions.’ I personally feel that my name truly does say everything needed to know about me. Four letters can definitely say much about a person. …As light and fluffy as the sweet taste of whip cream, as smooth yet sharp as the palpable touch of an underwater rock, and as spontaneous and mysterious as the sound of the whirling wind, my name fits me perfectly. It is the sweet aromatic smell of a hot delicious meal on a growling stomach and the cherry on top of a hot fudge sundae. I truly cannot complain about any aspect of the name Olga.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the first and second body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“My name, the only thing I will always retain from my parents for as long as I live, is who I am. My father named me after a famous Hispanic artist. I guess he figured the name would suit me well, and it truly does. From beginning to end, Olga embodies my personality. It is simple and elegant like silver, yet can be as complex as tying a bow. A tint of black, some white shine, and thus silver is created; the perfect combination of colors to create a silver name. Compared to an object, the elegance of a bow clearly embodies my name. The steps in tying a bow are merely three, but the procedures take time. Three is the key number. The three precise steps in tying an extraordinary bow are to first create the loops, then tie the knot, and finally complete the bow. When pronouncing my name, the middle part, similar to tying the knot of a bow, is the hardest. The last two letters of my name are much easier to pronounce, even from a baby, similar to the completion of a bow, which simply falls into place. …The name Olga, according to an on- line name analysis website, embodies a person who "appreciates the finer things in life and looks for quality in her material possessions." I personally feel that my name truly does say everything needed to know about me. Four letters can definitely say much about a person.”)

The following compound sentence is used effectively: “The steps in tying a bow are merely three, but the procedures take time.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. Few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling do not interfere with the message. For example, most sentences have a subject

and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“A tint of black, some white shine, and thus silver is created; the perfect combination of colors to create a silver name. Compared to an object, the elegance of a bow clearly embodies my name.”)

Model Essay

My name is generic, and severely common. It is so common that when I state my name, people automatically think of someone else with the name. So I'm perceived as someone that I'm not based on my name. I have to be those people; with their characteristics and mannerisms. Due to the lack of my name being original, it put me in competition to be better than another person with the name. My name is like the number four, very balanced. Something like a standard basketball game, in that in has four even quarters. My name doesn't show the culture from which I derive from. It doesn't show the fried chicken and tamales. I feel that my name has robbed me of any past knowledge that I should have known about my culture.

My name is like a solid blue. My name creates a since of reliability and responsibility. It isn't too bright, and not too dull and boring. My name isn't a stand out kind of name. The name I have obtained tastes like a scrumptious slab of meat. My name isn't to crispy and hard, but at the same time, it isn't soft and raw in the middle. If my name were a basketball player, it'd be Dr. J. He was a great inside player, but at the same time, he had a sweet jumper. When you hear my name, you immediately forget it, due to its normality. My name is like a slow Wednesday at school. My name has no direct thoughts or emotions. Its clear, empty, and transparent. It doesn't answer any questions. My name leaves people clueless as to who I am. My name is like those trendy new navigation systems. They are all the same, regardless of spelling or pronunciations.

I obtained my name from the both of my grandparents. Well, my first name compared to my grandfather's name, is like a spin off show from a great sitcom. It has a shorter run, less flavor, minuscule content, and less popularity. My middle name somewhat defines me; because it has the potential to open up a new light in my culture. Unfortunately, I will never know that light; because I will never know my grandfather.

I am pretty content with my name. If I could, I would change my name to "infinite." That way, no one could ever limit me in what I can do. I wouldn't be confined to one label, I'd be everything!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Adequate focus and meaning are presented in the essay. The writer establishes a controlling idea and demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience while completing many parts of the task.

The thesis states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. (“My name is generic, and severely common. It is so common that when I state my name, people automatically think of someone else with the name. So I'm perceived as someone that I'm not based on my name. I have to be those people; with their characteristics and mannerisms. Due to the lack of my name being original, it put me in competition to be better than another person with the name. My name is like the number four, very balanced. Something like a standard basketball game, in that in has four even quarters. My name doesn't show the culture from which I derive from. It doesn't show the fried chicken and tamales. I feel that my name has robbed me of any past knowledge that I should have known about my culture.”)

The essay understands the intended audience adequately. (“My name is generic, and severely common. It is so common that when I state my name, people automatically think of someone else with the name. So I'm perceived as someone that I'm not based on my name. I have to be those people; with their characteristics and mannerisms. Due to the lack of my name being original, it put me in competition to be better than

another person with the name.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“I obtained my name from the both of my grandparents. Well, my first name compared to my grandfather's name, is like a spin off show from a great sitcom. It has a shorter run, less flavor, minuscule content, and less popularity. My middle name somewhat defines me; because it has the potential to open up a new light in my culture. Unfortunately, I will never know that light; because I will never know my grandfather.”)

Content & Development

Adequate content and development are found in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details as support.

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“I obtained my name from the both of my grandparents. Well, my first name compared to my grandfather's name, is like a spin off show from a great sitcom. It has a shorter run, less flavor, minuscule content, and less popularity. My middle name somewhat defines me; because it has the potential to open up a new light in my culture. Unfortunately, I will never know that light; because I will never know my grandfather.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“I obtained my name from the both of my grandparents. Well, my first name compared to my grandfather's name, is like a spin off show from a great sitcom. It has a shorter run, less flavor, minuscule content, and less popularity. My middle name somewhat defines me; because it has the potential to open up a new light in my culture. Unfortunately, I will never know that light; because I will never know my grandfather.”)

The essay includes facts, statistics, examples, brief narratives, or explanations about each of the main ideas. (“My name is like a solid blue. My name creates a since of reliability and responsibility. It isn't too bright, and not too dull and boring. My name isn't a stand out kind of name. The name I have obtained tastes like a scrumptious slab of meat. My name isn't to crispy and hard, but at the same time, it isn't soft and raw in the middle. If my name were a basketball player, it'd be Dr. J. He was a great inside player, but at the same time, he had a sweet jumper. When you hear my name, you immediately forget it, due to its normality. My name is like a slow Wednesday at school. My name has no direct thoughts or emotions. Its clear, empty, and transparent. It doesn't answer any questions. My name leaves people clueless as to who I am. My name

is like those trendy new navigation systems. They are all the same, regardless of spelling or pronunciations.”)

Organization

The essay is characterized by adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, inconsistent use of paragraphing, and inconsistent use of transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates a good introduction. (“My name is generic, and severely common. It is so common that when I state my name, people automatically think of someone else with the name. So I'm perceived as someone that I'm not based on my name. I have to be those people; with their characteristics and mannerisms. Due to the lack of my name being original, it put me in competition to be better than another person with the name. My name is like the number four, very balanced. Something like a standard basketball game, in that in has four even quarters. My name doesn't show the culture from which I derive from. It doesn't show the fried chicken and tamales. I feel that my name has robbed me of any past

knowledge that I should have known about my culture.”)

The introduction includes adequate background information about the topic. (“My name is generic, and severely common. It is so common that when I state my name, people automatically think of someone else with the name. So I'm perceived as someone that I'm not based on my name. I have to be those people; with their characteristics and mannerisms. Due to the lack of my name being original, it put me in competition to be better than another person with the name. My name is like the number four, very balanced. Something like a standard basketball game, in that in has four even quarters. My name doesn't show the culture from which I derive from. It doesn't show the fried chicken and tamales. I feel that my name has robbed me of

any past knowledge that I should have known about my culture.”)

The conclusion adequately leaves the readers with something to think about. (“I am pretty content with my name. If I could, I would change my name to ‘infinite.’ That way, no one could ever limit me in what I can do. I wouldn't be confined to one label, I'd be everything!”)

Language Use & Style

Language use and style within the essay are adequate. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, an awareness of audience and control of voice, and generally correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“My name is generic, and severely common. It is so common that when I state my name, people automatically think of someone else with the name. So I'm perceived as someone that I'm not based on my name. I have to be those people; with their characteristics and mannerisms. Due to the lack of my name being original, it put me in competition to be better than

another person with the name.”)

Exact and specific words, such as “culture” from the research and prompt task, are used adequately. (“My name doesn't show the culture from which I derive from. It doesn't show the fried chicken and tamales. I feel that my name has robbed me of any past knowledge that I should have known about my culture.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor. (“If my name were a basketball player, it'd be Dr. J. He was a great inside player, but at the same time, he had a sweet jumper.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Adequate control of mechanics and conventions is apparent in the essay. Some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with

a punctuation mark. (“My name isn't to crispy and hard, but at the same time, it isn't soft and raw in the middle. If my name were a basketball player, it'd be Dr. J.”)

Model Essay

The number four is well attributed to this name: short, simple, and boring. Yes, boring! Since everyone seems to have it, at least in Latin America. Practically every other guy has this name. I ask myself, couldn t moms be any unique for once? Why did my mother not think of some other name? Perhaps, in a nurse s rush to get things done, she came up with such a generic name for a boy like me. I'm not this name, nor any other four-letter name; I m much more than this. This name is too solid; it feels like black and white-simple and clear. It's not some muddy color nor some bright color, it's neutral! i'ts boredom. The name brings forth monotony. Repetition! That s what it is. A Hispanic alliteration that is found in the many birth certificates of many boys, with the exception of their last name.

The aroma of the stale, the unmixed comes to mind. Stagnant air. While its flavor, is of flour: chalky and too consistent. It feels like cotton: soft, yet boring...white!

What bothers me the most, not to the extent of being oh so irritating, is that it is religious. Much more in the English language it is one of the most repeated names in the bible, along with Mary. Translated, this name was the name of that man who along with Mary bore the savior to the world.

Would i change it? Yes! to some unique name, less common, less mentioned. A name deemed interesting, one that would appeal and be kept, stored in the person's memory. I am not being a stuck up, self-centered boy, I am just tirred of listening to the common, to the same beat repeatedly.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay shows evidence of limited focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience, completing only some parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“The aroma of the stale, the unmixed comes to mind. Stagnant air. While its flavor, is of flour: chalky and too consistent. It feels like cotton: soft, yet boring...white!”)

The essay states a limited central idea. (“The number four is well attributed to this name: short, simple, and boring. Yes, boring! Since everyone seems to have it, at least in Latin America. Practically every other guy has this name. I ask myself, couldn t moms be any unique for once? Why did my mother not think of some other name? Perhaps, in a nurse s rush to get things done, she came up with such a generic name for a boy like me. I'm not this name, nor any other four-letter name; I m much more than this. This name is too solid; it feels like black and white-simple and clear. It's not some muddy color nor some bright color, it's neutral! i'ts boredom. The name brings forth monotony. Repetition! That s what it is. A Hispanic alliteration that is found in the many birth certificates of many boys, with the exception of their last name.”)

In the introduction, only a limited supporting idea of the essay is stated. (“The number four is well attributed to this name: short, simple, and boring. Yes, boring! Since everyone seems to have it, at least in Latin America. Practically every other guy has this name. I ask myself, couldn t moms be any unique for once? Why did my mother not think of some other name? Perhaps, in a nurse s rush to get things done, she came up with such a generic name for a boy like me. I'm not this name, nor any other four-letter name; I m much more than this. This name is too solid; it feels like black and white-simple and clear. It's not some muddy color nor some bright color, it's neutral! i'ts boredom. The name brings forth monotony. Repetition!

That s what it is. A Hispanic alliteration that is found in the many birth certificates of many boys, with the exception of their last name.”)

Content & Development

Limited content and development are seen in the essay. Ideas are developed briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support.

The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“The aroma of the stale, the unmixed comes to mind. Stagnant air. While its flavor, is of flour: chalky and too consistent. It feels like cotton: soft, yet boring...white!”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“What bothers me the most, not to the extent of being oh so irritating, is that it is religious. Much more in the English language it is one of the most repeated names in the bible, along with Mary. Translated, this name was the name of that man who along with Mary bore the savior to the world.”)

Each paragraph does not include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“The aroma of the stale, the unmixed comes to mind. Stagnant air. While its flavor, is of flour: chalky and too consistent. It feels like cotton: soft, yet boring...white!”)

Organization

This essay is characterized by limited organization. It demonstrates some evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion and lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices.

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“The number four is well attributed to this name: short, simple, and boring. Yes, boring! Since everyone seems to have it, at least in Latin America. Practically every other guy has this name. I ask myself, couldn t moms be any unique for once? Why did my mother not think of some other name? Perhaps, in a nurse s rush to get things done, she came up with such a generic name for a boy like me. I'm not this name, nor any other four-letter name; I m much more than this. This name is too solid; it feels like black and white-simple and clear. It's not some muddy color nor some bright color, it's neutral! i'ts boredom. The name brings forth monotony. Repetition! That s what it is. A Hispanic alliteration that is found in the many birth certificates of many boys, with the

exception of their last name.”)

The introduction includes some background information about the topic. (“The number four is well attributed to this name: short, simple, and boring. Yes, boring! Since everyone seems to have it, at least in Latin America. Practically every other guy has this name. I ask myself, couldn t moms be any unique for once? Why did my mother not think of some other name? Perhaps, in a nurse s rush to get things done, she came up with such a generic name for a boy like me. I'm not this name, nor any other four-letter name; I m much more than this. This name is too solid; it feels like black and white-simple and clear. It's not some muddy color nor some bright color, it's neutral! i'ts boredom. The name brings forth monotony. Repetition! That s what it is. A Hispanic alliteration that is found in the many birth certificates of many boys, with the exception of their last name.”)

The conclusion attempts to leave readers with something to think about. (“Would i change it? Yes! to some unique name, less common, less mentioned. A name deemed interesting, one that would appeal and be kept, stored in the person's memory. I am not being a stuck up, self-centered boy, I am just tirred of

listening to the common, to the same beat repeatedly.”)

Language Use & Style

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“It's not some muddy color nor some bright color, it's neutral! …I am not being a stuck up, self-centered boy, I am just tirred of listening to the common, to the same beat

repeatedly.”)

The lengths of the sentences are short, and there are some fragments. (“to some unique name, less common, less mentioned.”)

Exact words are missing, particularly the word “more” between “any” and “unique” in the following sentence: “I ask myself, couldn t moms be any unique for once?”

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay shows limited control of mechanics and conventions. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“Would i change it? Yes! to some unique name, less common, less mentioned. A name deemed interesting, one that would appeal and be kept, stored in the person's memory. I am not being a stuck up, self-centered boy, I am just tirred of listening to the common, to the same beat

repeatedly.”)

Model Essay

Well just to start off my name is Bennett, he name Bennett comes from the Latin roots, it means blessed or blessed one. There are some good things about my name and then there is some down falls. The reason why my loving parents named me Bennett is because; well there is no story behind that, my mom just liked it.

Right now I'm going to talk about how I like my name. Like I said before, there is some good and there are some bad and really annoying things about my name. Fore instants I really like my name because of the fact that it is really, really unique, I have heard lots of people with the last name Bennett but never the first name. That is allso a down fall because when people say my name like off a roll or something, they say it like its hard to pronous, and also most everyone spells it like benit

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Focus and meaning within the essay are minimal. A controlling idea is suggested, but minimal understanding of the purpose and audience is demonstrated. Only few parts of the task are completed.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“Right now I'm going to talk about how I like my name. Like I said before, there is

some good and there are some bad and really annoying things about my name. Fore instants I really like my name because of the fact that it is really, really unique, I have heard lots of people with the last name Bennett but never the first name. That is allso a down fall because when people say my name like off a roll or something, they say it like its hard to pronous, and also most everyone spells it like benit”)

The essay does not state the central idea of the essay. (“Well just to start off my name is Bennett, he name Bennett comes from the Latin roots, it means blessed or blessed one. There are some good things about my name and then there is some down falls. The reason why my loving parents named me Bennett is because; well there is no story behind that, my mom just liked it.”)

In the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is not stated. (“Well just to start off my name is Bennett, he name Bennett comes from the Latin roots, it means blessed or blessed one. There are some good things about my name and then there is some down falls. The reason why my loving parents named me Bennett is because; well there is no story behind that, my mom just liked it.”)

Content & Development

Minimal content and development are found in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. (“The reason why my loving

parents named me Bennett is because; well there is no story behind that, my mom just liked it. …Right now I'm going to talk about how I like my name. Like I said before, there is some good and there are some bad and really annoying things about my name. Fore instants I really like my name because of the fact that it is really, really unique, I have heard lots of people with the last name Bennett but never the first name. That is allso a down fall because when people say my name like off a roll or something, they say it like its hard to pronous, and also most everyone spells it like benit”)

The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“Well just to start off my name is Bennett, he name Bennett comes from the Latin roots, it means blessed or blessed one. There are some good things about my name and then there is some down falls. The reason why my loving parents named me Bennett is because; well there is no story behind that, my mom just liked it. …Right now I'm going to talk about how I like my name. Like I said before, there is some good and there are some bad and really annoying things about my name. Fore instants I really like my name because of the fact that it is really, really unique, I have heard lots of people with the last name Bennett but never the first name. That is allso a down fall because when people say my name like off a roll or something, they say it like its hard to pronous, and also most everyone spells it like benit”)

Details are minimally used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Right now I'm going to talk about how I like my name. Like I said before, there is some good and there are some bad and really annoying things about my name. Fore instants I really like my name because of the fact that it is really, really unique, I have heard lots of people with the last name Bennett but never the first name. That is allso a down fall because when people say my name like off a roll or something, they say it like its hard to pronous, and also most

everyone spells it like benit”)

Organization

The essay is characterized by minimal organization. It demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion, as well as little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“Well just to start off my name is Bennett, he name Bennett comes from the Latin roots, it means blessed or blessed one. There are some good things about my name and then there is some down falls. The reason why my loving parents named me Bennett is because; well there is no story behind that, my mom just liked it.”)

The introduction includes little background information about the topic. (“Well just to start off my name is Bennett, he name Bennett comes from the Latin roots, it means blessed or blessed one. There are some good things about my name and then there is some down falls. The reason why my loving parents named me Bennett is because; well there is no story behind that, my mom just liked it.”)

The essay does little to include a strong conclusion. (“Right now I'm going to talk about how I like my name. Like I said before, there is some good and there are some bad and really annoying things about my name. Fore instants I really like my name because of the fact that it is really, really unique, I have heard lots of people with the last name Bennett but never the first name. That is allso a down fall because when people say my name like off a roll or something, they say it like its hard to pronous, and also most everyone spells it like benit”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style is minimal. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience; basic errors in sentence structure and usage are also made.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“Fore instants I really like my name because of the fact that it is really, really unique, I have heard lots of people with the last name Bennett but never the first name.”)

The writer should use more varied and appropriate transitions. (“Well just to start off my name is Bennett, he name Bennett comes from the Latin roots, it means blessed or blessed one. There are some good things about my name and then there is some down falls. The reason why my loving parents named me Bennett is because; well there is no story behind that, my mom just liked it.”)

The style is not formal. (“The reason why my loving parents named me Bennett is because; well there is no story behind that, my mom just liked it. …Like I said before, there is some good and there are some bad

and really annoying things about my name.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Minimal control of the mechanics and conventions of formal writing is seen in the essay. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“That is allso a down fall because when

people say my name like off a roll or something, they say it like its hard to pronous, and also most everyone spells it like benit”)

Model Essay

"I FEEL SO MEANING LESS" because anthony(my first name) and charles(my middle name) have no meaning and siconolfi(my last name) is italian and I am too! Us Italian fellers love good food. I am hard working and my name anthony is based on the roman family name of marc antony.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Inadequate focus and meaning are provided throughout the essay. The writer fails to establish a controlling idea, demonstrates no understanding of purpose and audience, and completes no parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“‘I FEEL SO MEANING LESS’ because anthony(my first name) and charles(my middle name) have no meaning and siconolfi(my last name) is italian and I am too! Us Italian fellers love good food. I am hard working and my name anthony is based on the roman family name of marc antony.”)

The essay does not state the central idea of the essay. (“‘I FEEL SO MEANING LESS’ because anthony(my first name) and charles(my middle name) have no meaning and siconolfi(my last name) is italian and I am too! Us Italian fellers love good food. I am hard working and my name anthony is based on the roman family name of marc antony.”)

In the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is not stated. (“‘I FEEL SO MEANING LESS’ because anthony(my first name) and charles(my middle name) have no meaning and siconolfi(my last name) is italian and I am too! Us Italian fellers love good food. I am hard working and my name

anthony is based on the roman family name of marc antony.”)

Content & Development

This brief student essay consists of inadequate content and development. The writer fails to develop ideas, using no details for support.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central idea of the essay. (“‘I FEEL SO MEANING LESS’ because anthony(my first name) and charles(my middle name) have no meaning and siconolfi(my last name) is italian and I am too! Us Italian fellers love good food. I am hard working and my name anthony is based on the roman family name of marc antony.”)

At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. (“‘I FEEL SO MEANING LESS’ because anthony(my first name) and charles(my middle name) have no meaning and siconolfi(my last name) is italian and I am too! Us Italian fellers love good food. I am hard working and my name anthony is based on the roman family name of marc antony.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“‘I FEEL SO MEANING LESS’ because anthony(my first name) and charles(my middle name) have no meaning and siconolfi(my last name) is italian and I am too! Us Italian fellers love good food. I am hard working and my name anthony is based on the roman family name of marc antony.”)

Organization

Inadequate organization is a feature of this essay. No evidence of a unified structure is demonstrated. There is no introduction or conclusion and no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a good introduction. (“‘I FEEL SO MEANING LESS’ because anthony(my first name) and charles(my middle name) have no meaning and siconolfi(my last name) is italian and I am too! Us Italian fellers love good food. I am hard working and my name anthony is based on the roman family name of marc antony.”)

Transitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“‘I FEEL SO MEANING LESS’ because anthony(my first name) and charles(my middle name) have no meaning and siconolfi(my last name) is italian and I am too! Us Italian fellers love good food. I am hard working and my name anthony is based on the roman family name of marc antony.”)

The essay does not include a conclusion. (“‘I FEEL SO MEANING LESS’ because anthony(my first name) and charles(my middle name) have no meaning and siconolfi(my last name) is italian and I am too! Us Italian fellers love good food. I am hard working and my name anthony is based on the roman family name of marc antony.”)

Language Use & Style

Inadequate language use and style are presented in the essay. The writing demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“Us Italian fellers love good food.”)

There is repetition, as the conjunction “and” is used several times in the following sentence: “‘I FEEL SO MEANING LESS’ because anthony(my first name) and charles(my middle name) have no meaning and siconolfi(my last name) is italian and I am too!”

Transitions are needed. (“‘I FEEL SO MEANING LESS’ because anthony(my first name) and charles(my middle name) have no meaning and siconolfi(my last name) is italian and I am too! Us Italian fellers love good food. I am hard working and my name anthony is based on the roman family name of marc antony.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s use of mechanics and conventions is inadequate. Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“Us Italian fellers love good food. I am hard working and my name anthony is based on the roman family name of marc antony.”)

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High_School_Informative_Models.doc

High School Informative Prompts ................................................................................................. 2

Model Essay

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Content & Development

Organization

Language Use & Style

Mechanics & Conventions

Model Essay

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Content & Development

Organization

Language Use & Style

Mechanics & Conventions

Model Essay

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Content & Development

Organization

Language Use & Style

Mechanics & Conventions

Model Essay

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Content & Development

Organization

Language Use & Style

Mechanics & Conventions

Model Essay

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Content & Development

Organization

Language Use & Style

Mechanics & Conventions

Model Essay

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Content & Development

Organization

Language Use & Style

Mechanics & Conventions

Model Essay

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Content & Development

Organization

Language Use & Style

Mechanics & Conventions

Model Essay

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Content & Development

Organization

Language Use & Style

Mechanics & Conventions

Model Essay

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Content & Development

Organization

Language Use & Style

Mechanics & Conventions

Model Essay

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Content & Development

Organization

Language Use & Style

Mechanics & Conventions

Model Essay

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Content & Development

Organization

Language Use & Style

Mechanics & Conventions