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Elementary Text-based Informational Prompts
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Elementary Text-based Informational Prompts
Table of Contents
Elementary Text-based Informational Prompts
An Invitation to Steven Spielberg
B e nefits of Daily Exercising for Young Children
Carefully read "A Remarkable Explorer." Then write a multi-paragraph essay in which you summarize the article. Be sure to use specific details and examples from the article to support your response.
Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
In general, we all think that Columbus was the first to sail to America in his three ships in the year 1492. In 1519 Magellan, from Portugal, started a 2 year journey across the world. Vasco de Gama sailed to Asia by going around Africa. But is it possible that someone else beat them to the new world? That someone discovered everything we saw before we even knew? According to the article, A Remarkable Explorer, a historian from Britain named Gavin Menzies proved that a sailor, Zheng He, reached America before Columbus. He said that it must have been at least seventy years before any other person achieved this. This wasn't discovered until the early 2000s.
Menzies worked for the navy so he had past experiences to help him navigate and travel around the world easily. His experiences came to use when he found a map while doing research. It showed all the regions of Africa and the Cape of Good Hope. The amazing thing is that Europe thought this land was unexplored! He suggested that it had come from China so he decided to further investigate. He learned that the Europeans found that land in 1497 by Gama's voyages. He found out that the reason for the Chinese to reach America first was because they had a big advantage. They had bigger ships and more modern technology like the compass to navigate better, the rudder to steer better, and compartments that didn't leak water. Since Zheng was a respected person in the navy, he was chosen to set out on an exploration to make China look powerful.
The map later on determined that he traveled to Asia, India, modern day Australia and many parts of the African coast. His trip in 1421 had enough food to last him two years at sea. There were over a hundred ships and most of them were huge. They also brought many trading items to bring profits and new products home with them.
In addition, the evidence that proves that Zheng traveled to the Caribbean and the Americas is that there were about nine shipwrecks found near the shores that seemed to be from the 1400s. This concludes that Christopher Columbus and Ferdinand Magellan were not the people that sailed around the world and discovered the Americas. Both these discoveries have been awarded to Zheng He and his crew members. It turns out that these places were just revisited and thought to be new. To credit Zheng, Menzies wrote a book to convince everyone, mostly historians, that he was really the man to thank.
Zheng He was a sailor in the Chinese navy and the first to sail around the world. Gavin Menize clams we need to rewrite our history books because European weren't the first to explore the Americas. Adminerial Zheng He had visited Americas many years before. In conclusion, Zheng He should be given credit for being the first explorer to discover the Americas.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay by demonstrating a deep understanding of the text and the purpose of the task. He/she makes insightful connections between the text and task through a clearly defined controlling idea or thesis statement. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience and effectively completes all parts of the task, which leaves the readers with a clear picture of the article, "A Remarkable Explorer."
The essay includes a very effective thesis statement. The writer cites the source of his/her information and provides some analysis that indicates to readers what is coming next. This background information helps readers who are unfamiliar with the prompt understand the purpose of the essay. (“ According to the article, A Remarkable Explorer, a historian from Britain named Gavin Menzies proved that a sailor, Zheng He, reached America before Columbus.”)
The writer has a strong awareness of audience. Readers are addressed in a formal manner. (“In general, we all think that Columbus was the first to sail to America in his three ships in the year 1492.”)
All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with details. There is little or no off-topic information. (“ To credit Zheng, Menzies wrote a book to convince everyone, mostly historians, that he was really the man to thank.”)
Content & Development
There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and clearly by providing specific and relevant details from the text. He/she uses a variety of methods to include credible information from the source text (e.g., paraphrasing, direct quotes, facts). Sources are cited correctly.
The writer refers back to the main text and cites specific information from it. (“ According to the article, A Remarkable Explorer, a historian from Britain named Gavin Menzies proved that a sailor, Zheng He, reached America before Columbus.”)
Several main ideas are used to explain the writer’s point of view and directly support his/her thesis, which states that Zheng He reached America as well as other continents around the world. (“The map later on determined that he traveled to Asia, India, modern day Australia and many parts of the African coast.”)
The essay includes facts and statistics, examples, brief narratives/explanations that tell a small story, people's actual words or quotes, or a definition of a difficult or important word about each of the main ideas. Details like these help the readers understand the topic better. (“ Menzies worked for the navy so he had past experiences to help him navigate and travel around the world easily.”)
Organization
The organization is very effective. The writer demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. There is effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout.
The introduction creatively grabs the readers' attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. The introduction also provides sufficient background information for readers so that they can understand the purpose of the essay. (“ In general, we all think that Columbus was the first to sail to America in his three ships in the year 1492. In 1519 Magellan, from Portugal, started a 2 year journey across the world. Vasco de Gama sailed to Asia by going around Africa. But is it possible that someone else beat them to the new world?”)
Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. Along with paragraph breaks, transitions help readers move between ideas easily. (“ In addition, the evidence that proves that Zheng traveled to the Caribbean and the Americas is that there were about nine shipwrecks found near the shores that seemed to be from the 1400s.”)
Finally, the essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion that summarizes some of the ideas presented and provides the readers with a sense of closure. (“ Zheng He was a sailor in the Chinese navy and the first to sail around the world. Gavin Menize clams we need to rewrite our history books because European weren't the first to explore the Americas.”)
Language Use & Style
The use of language, voice, and style is very effective. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choices, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the effectiveness of the writer’s response.
The language and tone are consistent. The writer uses no informal language or slang but keeps the description interesting by using well-structured phrases and sentences. (“ To credit Zheng, Menzies wrote a book to convince everyone, mostly historians, that he was really the man to thank.”)
Readers can thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. By using well-structured sentences, the readers can easily see how two related ideas are connected. In this case, the writer notes that shipwrecks indicate there were other visitors to America prior to Columbus and other explorers. (“ In addition, the evidence that proves that Zheng traveled to the Caribbean and the Americas is that there were about nine shipwrecks found near the shores that seemed to be from the 1400s. This concludes that Christopher Columbus and Ferdinand Magellan were not the people that sailed around the world and discovered the Americas.”)
Sentences are complex and well structured, and they are used very effectively. (“They had bigger ships and more modern technology like the compass to navigate better, the rudder to steer better, and compartments that didn't leak water.”)
There are no serious problems with fragmented sentences, although some sentences could be restructured to improve readability. (“Vasco de Gama sailed to Asia by going around Africa. But is it possible that someone else beat them to the new world?”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling.
For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and each sentence is indented when beginning a new paragraph. (“The map later on determined that he traveled to Asia, India, modern day Australia and many parts of the African coast.”)
There are some minor errors in spelling and punctuation, but this does not seriously damage the writer’s credibility. (“ Adminerial Zheng He had visited Americas many years before.”)
There are a few missing commas or incorrectly used words in the essay, but they do not interfere with the writer’s intent. In this case, the writer’s comma use is excellent and especially noteworthy. The writer uses commas correctly to separate clauses and to list ideas or details. (“The map later on determined that he traveled to Asia, India, modern day Australia and many parts of the African coast.”)
Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
If the voyages made by these famous explorers never happened then would humanity have been different or would it have changed and evolved differently? In 1492 Christopher Columbus reached the Caribbean islands and was the first to travel and reach the Americas. Ferdinand Magellan was a Portuguese explorer and he started a voyage to set around the world and it began on1519 and ended in 1521. These discoveries were outrageous to the Europeans at the time and were a great discovery for them, but this puts that into question.
In A Remarkable Explorer, it says that in 2002 Gavin Menzies, a British historian, claims that a chinese sailer named Zheng He reached America and sailed around the world about seventy years before Christopher Columbus made his voyage. Gavin Menzies got a interest in naval history and he began researching voyages from Italy near the years of 1400s. Gavin discovered a map that was dated 1459 and it is a map of south Africa of the Cape of Good Hope. Those areas were unknown at the time until Da Gama's voyage took place in 1497.
Next, the chinese were the masters at sea and had the largest navy since 1400s, and constructed the large ships before the Europeans. The emperor of the Ming dynasty made Zheng He admiral of Chinese navy. He was ordered to travel to countries past the atlantic until the end of the world. The Chinese wanted to show to others that they had power and control over others. Historians believe that Zheng HE traveled to southeast Asia, to india, to parts of Africa and to Australia.
Zheng He's important trip had over 100 ships and his own flagship was 440 feet long, the ships contained food that can last for two years and they also had treasures and goods such as silk and porcelain to trade with other people. There is evidence of 9 shipwrecks near the caribbean showing that Zheng He traveled there and across the Atlantic to mexico and back to China. He was the first to circumnavigate.
Gavin is creating a book to convience historians that the Chinese discovereied most of these places and the travels of Zheng He are correct. And with these we should give more credit to the chinese for the credit we are giving to European explorers that actually rediscovered these areas that were already discovered by Zheng He.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the essay. The writer demonstrates a complete understanding of the text and the purpose of the task. He/she makes clear connections between text and task through the controlling or central idea. The writer succeeds in satisfying most parts of the prompt task.
The essay includes a clear and effective thesis that tells the readers what the essay is about. (“ In A Remarkable Explorer, it says that in 2002 Gavin Menzies, a British historian, claims that a chinese sailer named Zheng He reached America and sailed around the world about seventy years before Christopher Columbus made his voyage.”)
All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. There are few or no off-topic ideas presented. (“ Historians believe that Zheng HE traveled to southeast Asia, to india, to parts of Africa and to Australia.”)
The essay is appropriate for any audience. When addressing a question to the audience, the writer uses language that is appropriate. (“If the voyages made by these famous explorers never happened then would humanity have been different or would it have changed and evolved differently?”)
Content & Development
There is good content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and develops ideas fully, providing specific and relevant details from the text.
The essay makes references to the article by summarizing its content. (“In A Remarkable Explorer, it says that in 2002 Gavin Menzies, a British historian, claims that a chinese sailer named Zheng He reached America and sailed around the world about seventy years before Christopher Columbus made his voyage.”)
There are several main ideas discussed that directly support the essay’s main idea. (“Next, the chinese were the masters at sea and had the largest navy since 1400s, and constructed the large ships before the Europeans.”)
Supporting details develop the example provided well. (“Historians believe that Zheng HE traveled to southeast Asia, to india, to parts of Africa and to Australia.”)
Overall, the essay successfully summarizes all of the main ideas in the passage. It also gives readers some additional insight into the topic, which can be inferred through the reading. (“And with these we should give more credit to the chinese for the credit we are giving to European explorers that actually rediscovered these areas that were already discovered by Zheng He.”)
Organization
The introduction ends with a good thesis statement. (“ These discoveries were outrageous to the Europeans at the time and were a great discovery for them, but this puts that into question.”)
Transitions within paragraphs or between sentences are used to move between ideas, although additional transitions would help improve readability even further. (“ Next, the chinese were the masters at sea and had the largest navy since 1400s, and constructed the large ships before the Europeans.”)
The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that provides a basic summary of the ideas discussed and provides readers with a sense of closure. (“ Gavin is creating a book to convience historians that the Chinese discovereied most of these places and the travels of Zheng He are correct.”)
Language Use & Style
The writer integrates good language use, voice, and style throughout the essay. A ppropriate language and word choice, good voice, and a clear sense of audience are demonstrated. The writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety .
The language and tone are consistent. The c oherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea/thesis statement of the essay. It also helps improve the writer’s credibility by maintaining a consistent, professional tone throughout the entire essay. (“ The emperor of the Ming dynasty made Zheng He admiral of Chinese navy. He was ordered to travel to countries past the atlantic until the end of the world.”)
There may be a few overly wordy or fragmented sentences, but they do not interfere with the writer’s intent. For an upper-elementary-level essay, it is effective. (“ And with these we should give more credit to the chinese for the credit we are giving to European explorers that actually rediscovered these areas that were already discovered by Zheng He.”)
Some sentences are too brief and could be improved with additional details. (“He was the first to circumnavigate.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The writer exhibits good control of mechanics and conventions throughout the essay. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.
For example, most sentences begin with a capital letter, m ost sentences have a subject and a verb, most sentences end with a punctuation mark, and most sentences are indented when beginning a new paragraph. (“ These discoveries were outrageous to the Europeans at the time and were a great discovery for them, but this puts that into question.”)
Comma use and period use is generally correct. (“Historians believe that Zheng HE traveled to southeast Asia, to india, to parts of Africa and to Australia.”)
There are a few capitalization and spelling errors present, but they do not interfere with the message. (“ The chinese were the masters at sea and had the largest navy since 1400s, and constructed the large ships before the Europeans.”)
Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
Could the history books that everyone has researched out of be wrong? From Christopher Columbus being the fist explorer to sail to America, to Ferdinand Magellan who was the first to sail around the southern tip of Africa. These facts could be false from what Gavin Menzies says to Geographical Society in England. I agree with the article the person who should be getting most of the real credit is the Chinese sailor named Zheng He.
It all started when Menzies finds an ancient map dated 1459. He did not find this randomly. He was a submarine commander in the British navy. Retiring from that he became interested in naval history and researched early voyaes from Italy at the 1400's. This map showed the southern tip of Africa and the Cape of Good Hope which was supposedly unknown in until Gama's voyage in 1497. This led him to believe it was from China. China was known to be the masters of the sea because of their advancements in both ships and navigation.
Mensies of course backed up his theory with some research. Exampls are written acounts and pieces of maps from some of his journey's. Another major example would have to be the evidence of the nine Chinese shipwrecks in the Caribbean that go back to the 1400's. Reason being is he is said to have sailed around the southern tip of Africa, on a major voyoge of more than 100 ships. He was heading to some islands in the Caribbean. He then sailed south around the southern tip of America and up the coast back to China. If this is true then Christopher would have to be in a second place to discover the Americas.
With all this information I would make a book too similar to what Menzies is working on now. If all his information is correct then thse historians are going to have a job ahead of them fixing up the history books. What gets me the most is that for my research project I had the task of researching Bartolomeu Dias. He was "suposedly" the on who found he Cape Of Good Hope but now I am having second thoughts
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The writer maintains adequate focus and meaning in the essay. The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the text and the purpose of the task. He/she implies connections between the text and task through the controlling or central idea. The writer provides descriptions and details that are relevant and completes many parts of the task.
The essay includes a thesis that adequately states the purpose of the essay. It also provides some background information to help readers understand the context of the thesis. (“ These facts could be false from what Gavin Menzies says to Geographical Society in England. I agree with the article the person who should be getting most of the real credit is the Chinese sailor named Zheng He.”)
The writer addresses the audience in an appropriate tone. (“ Could the history books that everyone has researched out of be wrong?”)
There is very little irrelevant information provided. The off-topic information that is present does not interfere with the writer’s message. In this case, the extra information helps to improve the writer’s credibility by making the information more interesting and relatable. (“ If all his information is correct then thse historians are going to have a job ahead of them fixing up the history books.”)
Content & Development
The development of ideas and content is adequate. The writer adequately develops ideas by providing specific and relevant details from the text. He/she uses predictable methods to include credible information from the text (e.g., paraphrasing and/or direct quotes). Most sources used for quotes and facts are cited correctly.
The details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. At least three details are stated about each main idea. (“ It all started when Menzies finds an ancient map dated 1459. He did not find this randomly. He was a submarine commander in the British navy.”)
The writer includes four to five supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“ Reason being is he is said to have sailed around the southern tip of Africa, on a major voyoge of more than 100 ships.”)
The writer makes some reference to the article being addressed. (“I agree with the article the person who should be getting most of the real credit is the Chinese sailor named Zheng He.”)
Organization
There is adequate organization in the essay. The writer provides an interesting opening to the response that keeps the readers reading. The essay generally flows smoothly from one idea to another with subtle transitions to support sequential development.
The introduction creatively grabs the readers' attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ Could the history books that everyone has researched out of be wrong?”)
Some background information is provided to help readers understand the purpose of the essay. (“From Christopher Columbus being the fist explorer to sail to America, to Ferdinand Magellan who was the first to sail around the southern tip of Africa. These facts could be false from what Gavin Menzies says to Geographical Society in England.”)
Paragraphing is used well, and there is adequate use of transitions, but the writer should use additional transitions to further help readers move between ideas. (“With all this information I would make a book too similar to what Menzies is working on now.”)
While a bit informal, the essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion by providing readers with something new to think about and providing a sense of closure. (“ If all his information is correct then thse historians are going to have a job ahead of them fixing up the history books.”)
Language Use & Style
The use of language, voice, and style is adequate. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, an awareness of audience, and control of voice. There is generally correct sentence structure with some variety .
Most of the sentences are clearly constructed and easy to understand. (“ It all started when Menzies finds an ancient map dated 1459. He did not find this randomly. He was a submarine commander in the British navy.”)
There are some fragmented sentences that could be rephrased to improve readability. (“From Christopher Columbus being the fist explorer to sail to America, to Ferdinand Magellan who was the first to sail around the southern tip of Africa.”)
Sentence lengths are adequately varied. Word choices are sometimes poor. (“ Reason being is he is said to have sailed around the southern tip of Africa, on a major voyoge of more than 100 ships.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The writer exhibits adequate control of mechanics and conventions through most of the essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.
In this case, many sentences begin with a capital letter, many sentences have a subject and a verb, many sentences end with a punctuation mark, and many sentences are indented when beginning a new paragraph. (“ It all started when Menzies finds an ancient map dated 1459. He did not find this randomly. He was a submarine commander in the British navy.”)
There are some significant spelling errors, but they do not interfere with the writer’s intent. (“ Exampls are written acounts and pieces of maps from some of his journey's.”)
Some periods and commas are missing, but readers can usually infer the writer’s intent without them. (“He was ‘suposedly’ the on who found he Cape Of Good Hope but now I am having second thoughts”)
Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
It was claime that Chinese sailor named Zheng He reached America and sailed around the world at least 70 years before Columbus. This was claimed by Gavin Menzies who was a submarine commander for the British. Gavin believes this because after retiring he decided to study maps and different voyages. He found the different maps and there wee some about 'the cape of good hope.'
The Chinese navy was the largest of all. They had been using stuff that the English people were just discovring. Zheng He was the admiral of the Chinese navy. The emperor had ordered him to find new lands and go to the end of the world to find them. Zheng He made seven journeys with about one hundred ships, these ship were realy very large. They packed them ful of new trasures form everywhere.
Gavin Menzies said that the Chinse went to Africa, the Atlantic, some Caribbean Islands, America, Mexico, across the Pacific Ocean to China. He discovered all of this because thereis Chinese shiwrecks. After his discoverie Menzies is work on a book about the, Zheng He's discoveries.If he is correct then they will rewrite the history book's stating that Zheng He was actual the first person to find these lands
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The focus and meaning are limited in the essay. The writer demonstrates a vague or incomplete understanding of the text and purpose of the task. He/she implies a few connections between the text and task through the controlling or central idea. The essay provides details that may not give the readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Only some of the prompt tasks are completed.
The essay includes a thesis but does not directly reference the text being discussed. The text is alluded to only briefly when the writer says, “It was claime.” The writer should make it more apparent where he/she is getting his/her information. (“ It was claime that Chinese sailor named Zheng He reached America and sailed around the world at least 70 years before Columbus.”)
The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas in the essay clear and convincing. The writer exhibits a somewhat informal writing style that may not be appropriate for every audience. Words like “stuff” may be appropriate for informal audiences, but they are inappropriate when speaking to a formal audience. (“The Chinese navy was the largest of all. They had been using stuff that the English people were just discovring.”)
There is little or no irrelevant or off-topic information, but there may be some information that is only tangentially related to the topic. In this case, the information is focused well on the main idea. (“If he is correct then they will rewrite the history book's stating that Zheng He was actual the first person to find these lands”)
Content & Development
The essay contains limited content and development. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, providing some specific and relevant details from the text. He/she uses limited methods to include credible information from the text (e.g., paraphrasing and direct quotes). Some sources used for quotes and facts are cited correctly.
The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“The emperor had ordered him to find new lands and go to the end of the world to find them.”)
Ideally, more details should be included to help augment each main idea. For example, the writer could briefly discuss what types of goods were carried on Zheng He’s ships or what they did with those goods after they were collected. (“Zheng He made seven journeys with about one hundred ships, these ship were realy very large. They packed them ful of new trasures form everywhere.”)
The writer only makes a passing reference to the main article, which is where most of the information comes from. He/she should make an effort to cite the source of his/her information. (“ It was claime that Chinese sailor named Zheng He reached America and sailed around the world at least 70 years before Columbus.”)
Organization
There is limited organization of main ideas and supporting details in the essay. The writer demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. There is limited use of paragraphing, and the essay lacks some transitional devices.
The essay demonstrates evidence of a good introduction. It is not very creative, but it summarizes the purpose of the essay and provides sufficient background information for readers to understand. (“ It was claime that Chinese sailor named Zheng He reached America and sailed around the world at least 70 years before Columbus.”)
Paragraphs are used to separate ideas, but transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are needed. (“ The Chinese navy was the largest of all.”)
The essay demonstrates evidence of a strong conclusion, but it does not give readers anything new to think about or provide any fresh or interesting details. (“ If he is correct then they will rewrite the history book's stating that Zheng He was actual the first person to find these lands.”)
Language Use & Style
The writer demonstrates a limited use of language, voice, and style. The essay reveals simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.
Some word choice is poor. Many sentences should be rephrased to improve the readers' understanding. (“ He found the different maps and there wee some about 'the cape of good hope.'”)
Sentences are sometimes too short or too long, though most are an appropriate length. (“Zheng He made seven journeys with about one hundred ships, these ship were realy very large. They packed them ful of new trasures form everywhere.”)
The tone is mostly appropriate for any audience, but it could be improved by including more complex language. (“They packed them ful of new trasures form everywhere.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The control of mechanics and conventions is limited in the essay. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.
The writer should make sure each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and each sentence is indented when beginning a new paragraph. In this case, mechanics and conventions are mostly correct, but there are enough noticeable errors to damage the writer’s credibility and interfere with meaning. (“ They packed them ful of new trasures form everywhere.”)
Spelling is often poor. The writer should reread the essay after writing it and look for typos or words that may be misspelled. (“ It was claime that Chinese sailor named Zheng He reached America and sailed around the world at least 70 years before Columbus.”)
There are some significant and noticeable errors that sometimes interfere with the message, but readers can usually infer the writer’s intent. (“ They packed them ful of new trasures form everywhere.”)
Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.
Model Essay
Most of the books in our school says that Christopher Columbus was the first explorer to sail to America. But do you know he's not the only one .Vasco da Gama and Admiral Zherg and may more that we don't no about yet. But i'm oly going to tell you about two of them this time.So let's get started..........
First, Vasco da Gama he was the man to sail Europe the tip Africa to India. And in November 22,1497 Vasco da Gama sailed arund the Cape of Good Hope in Africa ,that same year December 25 da Gama reached the coast of Natal
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. He/she demonstrates an unclear understanding of the text and the purpose of the writing task. The writer makes illogical and/or unnecessary connections between the text and task through the controlling or central idea. There is no awareness of audience, and as a result, the writer completes few parts of the task.
The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. There is little or no reference to the article being addressed, and there is no clear thesis.
There is some background information to help readers understand the purpose of the essay, but additional detail would improve the essay’s introduction further. (“ Most of the books in our school says that Christopher Columbus was the first explorer to sail to America. But do you know he's not the only one”)
Many statements do not adequately reflect the article that the writer is attempting to summarize. Some statements are accurate but fail to clarify the real purpose of the essay. (“ Most of the books in our school says that Christopher Columbus was the first explorer to sail to America. But do you know he's not the only one .”)
The writer does not have an awareness of audience. When addressing the readers, the style should be more formal. (“But i'm oly going to tell you about two of them this time.So let's get started.”)
Content & Development
There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and minimally. The writer provides few details from the text, some of which are not specific and relevant. He/she uses minimal methods to include credible information from the text (e.g., paraphrasing and direct quotes) . Many sources used for quotes and facts are less than credible and/or are not cited correctly.
There are no clear main ideas. There are only a few details, and without a clear thesis, they do not improve the readers' understanding. (“First, Vasco da Gama he was the man to sail Europe the tip Africa to India.”)
The writer should include a clear thesis that explains what the essay is about. Next, it should include at least three main ideas that support the thesis. Finally, it should include several details or examples to support each main idea.
There is no reference to the article being summarized. There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. There is only one supporting detail, and it does not provide the readers with the sufficient supporting information necessary to understand the article or its purpose. (“First, Vasco da Gama he was the man to sail Europe the tip Africa to India. And in November 22,1497 Vasco da Gama sailed arund the Cape of Good Hope in Africa ,that same year December 25 da Gama reached the coast of Natal”)
Organization
The organization of the essay is minimal as well. The writer provides an opening that minimally reveals the purpose of the prompt task. The response lacks effective transitional devices and paragraphing. Furthermore, the essay demonstrates little evidence of a strong ending.
There is little evidence of a good introduction. There is no reference to the article being discussed, and there is no clear thesis. There is some background information to help readers understand the purpose of the essay, but additional details are needed. (“But i'm oly going to tell you about two of them this time.So let's get started.”)
The writer should use more varied and appropriate transitions. (“ But i'm oly going to tell you about two of them this time.So let's get started..........”)
Paragraphing is somewhat ineffectively used. There are a few transitions, but they are not used well. (“ First, Vasco da Gama he was the man to sail Europe the tip Africa to India.”)
Language Use & Style
The use of language, voice, and style is minimal. The writer demonstrates simple language and word choice with little awareness of audience. The essay also displays basic errors in sentence structure and usage.
Sentences are often short and fragmented. The writer should make sure all sentences are complete and make sense. (“Vasco da Gama and Admiral Zherg and may more that we don't no about yet.”)
Word choice is poor, and the style is not formal. (“But i'm oly going to tell you about two of them this time.So let's get started.”)
Some poor word choices damage the writer’s credibility. While some of the transitions used are acceptable (“First”), more professional transitions would improve readability and understanding. Transitions used are limited. (“But do you know he's not the only one”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is minimal. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, which interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.
The writer does not end each sentence with appropriate punctuation marks. (“So let's get started..........”)
There are significant and numerous errors that distract the readers and often interfere with meaning. Periods and commas are often used incorrectly. (“And in November 22,1497 Vasco da Gama sailed arund the Cape of Good Hope in Africa ,that same year December 25 da Gama reached the coast of Natal”)
Spelling is especially poor and damages the writer’s credibility. Poor spelling may also make it difficult for readers to understand the writer’s intent. (“And in November 22,1497 Vasco da Gama sailed arund the Cape of Good Hope”)
Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
probly all of the hist books in our schools tack about or say that Christopher Columbus was he first to sail to America.And he was but how meney bots did he have? Well he had 3. Then about 5 years later a sailor named Vasco da was the first to sail to Europ. Whow tha is so cool.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
There is inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. The writer demonstrates little understanding of the text or the purpose of the task, and he/she makes little or no connection between the text and task by establishing a controlling or central idea. The writer lacks awareness of audience as well. The writer's essay does not satisfy any parts of the task.
A central/controlling idea is not stated. Ideas that are present do not make much sense. (“ probly all of the hist books in our schools tack about or say that Christopher Columbus was he first to sail to America.And he was but how meney bots did he have?”)
There is no reference to the main article being discussed. The ideas presentend are not focused on the real topic; instead, they focus on a peripheral concept unrelated to the thesis.
There is no awareness of audience. (“ Whow tha is so cool.”)
Content & Development
There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer provides virtually no details from the text. He/she uses little or no paraphrasing and/or direct quotes from the article in order to include credible information. Additionally, sources used for quotes and facts are not credible and/or are not cited correctly.
Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. Details that are provided make little sense even after being read repeatedly. (“ Well he had 3. Then about 5 years later a sailor named Vasco da was the first to sail to Europ.”)
At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. Details are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence, and any that are mentioned are unrelated to the thesis. (“ And he was but how meney bots did he have? Well he had 3.”)
There is no reference to the article being discussed or summarized.
Organization
The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate as well. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure, introduction, or conclusion. There is also no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.
The essay demonstrates no evidence of a good introduction. The writer should include a creative introduction that summarizes some of the ideas that are going to be discussed. The writer needs to include a thesis or a statement that describes the purpose of the essay.
T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. There is no use of paragraphing to separate ideas or to provide the readers with an indication that they are about to switch between ideas or pieces of evidence.
Finally, the writer does not attempt to provide a summarizing conclusion. (“ Then about 5 years later a sailor named Vasco da was the first to sail to Europ. Whow tha is so cool.”)
Language Use & Style
Language use and style are inadequate. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.
Sentences are too short, but in some cases they may be too long. There may be repetition. In this case, the essay is too brief to fully assess the writer’s capabilities.
Overall, the essay is far too informal and fragmented. Sentences barely make sense upon a first reading. (“ probly all of the hist books in our schools tack about or say that Christopher Columbus was he first to sail to America.”)
Some word choice is poor. Errors in use of language are so significant that readers may not be able to understand or guess the writer’s intent. (“ And he was but how meney bots did he have? Well he had 3.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is inadequate. There are noticeable e rrors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.
Each sentence does not begin with a capital letter. (“ probly all of the hist books in our schools tack about or say that Christopher Columbus was he first to sail to America.And he was but how meney bots did he have?”)
There is inconsistent use of periods and commas. Some sentences are fragmented. ( “ And he was but how meney bots did he have?”)
Spelling errors are especially noticeable and damage the writer’s credibility. There are so many mistakes present that the readers will probably have difficulty comprehending the writer’s intent. (“probly all of the hist books in our schools tack about or say that Christopher Columbus was he first to sail to America.”)
Write a letter to a friend persuading him or her to visit a rain forest. Be sure to include information from the passage to make your argument. Write your response to the task described. Your response should show how well you understand what you have read and how well you write about it.
Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
Dear Lauren,
Hi, how are you? How ’ s school? Have you ever read anything about the rain forest? Well, I just read this great article on the rain forest in Costa Rica and I thought you would love to hear about it, since you love animals and being outside. It ’ s fascinating at how many creatures come out at night. This article describes a man ’ s trip to the Costa Rica rain forest. The way he described the rain forest was amazing because he could see animals so close, that he could have probably touched them. I think it would be a great home video movie.
It sounds like there is no other place in the world like a tropical rain forest. The tropical rain forest that I read about was located on a mountaintop in Costa Rica .
I learned about the animals, insects, and plant life in the tropical rain forest. After reading the article it convinced me to tell you about this amazing place that I think we should go together and explore. I figured you would be interested because I remembered that your room is decorated with animals that live in the rain forest. So, I thought of you when I read the article.
I learned from the article that there are some animals that are out during the day and others that are nocturnal. Nocturnal means that the animal sleeps during the day and comes out at night. So many animals come out during the night because it is safer for them against their predators. With all of the animals that come out at night, making so much noise, it sounds like an animal party. If we were to go out at night like it talks about in the article, we could see how the nocturnal animals act during the night compared to how the act during the day. We would need to bring a flash light and move around the rainforest very carefully and of course with a guide who knows the rain forest. Most of them we probably would find sleeping during the day if we could find them at all. The types of animals that live in the rain forest talked about in the article are, monkeys, bats, birds, jaguars, frogs and other creatures that are not mentioned in the article. Over forty-two kinds of bats live in that one rain forest alone.
Besides the animals I mentioned, the article also talks about insects in the rain forest. There are insects like walking sticks that look kind of like grass hoppers and strange shaped katydids that make high whining calls. There are different colored moths, different spiders, tarantulas the size of a persons palm and, butterflies. The article describes the noises like the humming, buzzing, and the croaking that insects and frogs make. An amazing thing about the insects is also how they camouflage themselves from other predators.
Camouflage means to blend in with the surroundings, so not to be seen by predators. Insects like walking sticks camouflage themselves so well that they look just like a twig. The wonderful rain forest environment protects animals by allowing them to hide in so many different ways. One of the most amazing things that you can only really see during the day is the plant life. It ’ s such an enchanting sight that you would never see anywhere else. In the article it also tells you how many beautiful plant you pass by on just one hike. In the article it talks about how most plants look like they have just bloomed. If we were to visit the rain forest, at night, it would be like we were sleeping in a tree house because of the fabulous canopy all around us. The canopy is so thick that no trace of light from the stars above it passes through. What an amazing thought to visit such a place. The trees “ do have eyes ” though according to the article. At night the glow of animals eyes can be seen through the dense forest.
So, what do you think about an exciting adventure in the rain forest? It would be an adventure of a lifetime to see the amazing animals, insects, and plant life that only a tropical rain forest has. Maybe we could find out more about tropical rain forests and talk to people who have visited one. My English, and Social Studies teacher, Mr. Lightfeet has traveled to two rain forests so we could talk to him about it. Write back soon.
Your friend,
Alex
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
Addressing the intended audience, this letter clearly states and develops the author’s controlling idea (“Well, I just read this great article on the rain forest in Costa Rica and I thought you would love to hear about it, since you love animals and being outside. It ’ s fascinating at how many creatures come out at night ”). The author clearly understands the text, and without copying from the text directly, makes insightful connections between text and task through his/her controlling idea.
Content & Development
This letter is fully developed, supplying the reader with plenty of information about the plants and animals that inhabit the rain forest. The specific information presented by the author is quite detailed and ranges from the sounds the animals make ( “ So many animals come out during the night because it is safer for them against their predators. With all of the animals that come out at night, making so much noise, it sounds like an animal party ”) to the way they hide themselves from predators (“Camouflage means to blend in with the surroundings, so not to be seen by predators. Insects like walking sticks camouflage themselves so well that they look just like a twig ”).
Organization
This essay is effectively organized, maintaining a unified structure throughout. The first two paragraphs, which largely serve to introduce the letter, could be combined and streamlined since they repeat some of the same information (“I thought you would love to hear about it, since you love animals and being outside … I figured you would be interested because I remembered that your room is decorated with animals”). The conclusion is fine, suggesting the author has a good idea of the educational purpose of the writing prompt (“Maybe we could find out more about tropical rain forests and talk to people who have visited one”). The paragraphs in the body of the essay are tightly organized around themes and flow well from one to the other.
Language Use & Style
The author’s style of language is perfectly suited to this writing task. Correct both in terms of word choice and sentence structure, the essay uses language well to communicate the author’s controlling idea. Interestingly, the author even defines some of the more complicated words s/he uses to enhance the educational impact of this essay and further connect this response to the text (“Nocturnal means that the animal sleeps during the day and comes out at night”). Otherwise, the author’s voice is controlled and properly addresses the intended audience, a friend, without sounding too immature.
Mechanics & Conventions
The author’s control of the mechanics and conventions of writing is impeccable; few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are allowed to creep into the essay.
Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
Dear Eric,
How's it going, pal? I'm doing pretty good. I just got back from Costa Rica where I was visiting the rainforest! It was so awesome! You should really visit there sometime. I saw a lot of animals. I'm going to tell you all about it, then maybe you'll consider going to the rainforest someday.
First, we got on the plane and flew up to the mountaintop where the rainforest was located. Then, we took a hike through the forest. I saw many different and beautiful plants, and even some butterflies, birds, and a few monkeys! But it left me wondering: "Where are all the animals?" I was told that most of them were hiding. They hide during the day to stay safe from predators. Then they come out at night to get food. So, we decided that we would come back after sunset and experience the real rainforest nightlife for ourselves!
About an hour after sunset, we followed our guide back into the dark, damp forest. The forest was now full of life! I could hear frogs and insects all around me. Then came the biggest surprise of all. When I shone my flashlight on a cluster of trees and shrubs, I found myself looking into a group of insects, frogs, reptiles, spiders and many more! It looked as if the small creatures were having an all-night animal party! I saw amazing walking sticks the size of pencils and fascinating katydids of all sizes and colors. It was a time I will remember forever.
The animal I was looking for, however, lives in a burrow about the same size as a half dollar. We found one of these burrows, and standing at the entrance, there was a red-legged tarantula about as big as my palm, waiting patiently for a tasty meal to come along. A cockroach walked by, and the tarantula pounced. He dragged it down into his lair to feast on his freshly-caught prey. We had seen so many animals that before I knew it, my watch read 11 o' clock. So, we decided to head back to our camp. On the way there, we saw a sleeping bird called a tanager. I figured the bird had the right idea. I said goodnight to everyone, and went to sleep.
See? The rainforest is truly the greatest vacation spot in the world. So, maybe now you'll consider visiting the rainforest sometime. I had lots of fun, and I know that you will too.
Your friend,
Philip
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
This author writes from the perspective of having just recently visited the rain forest and includes information from the text to help develop this theme (“I'm going to tell you all about it, then maybe you'll consider going to the rainforest someday”). Remaining focused on the controlling idea, the author demonstrates a thorough understanding of the text and the purpose of the task and makes clear connections between text and task through his/her controlling or central idea.
Content & Development
This letter is highly developed, and uses plenty of details from the text to help the reader understand what life is like in the rain forest and why it is worth visiting. The author describes the way the forest comes to life at night (“When I shone my flashlight on a cluster of trees and shrubs, I found myself looking into a group of insects, frogs, reptiles, spiders and many more! It looked as if the small creatures were having an all-night animal party”) and then writes in greater detail about his/her favorite animal (“The animal I was looking for, however, lives in a burrow about the same size as a half dollar. We found one of these burrows, and standing at the entrance, there was a red-legged tarantula about as big as my palm, waiting patiently for a tasty meal to come along”).
Organization
This letter shows good organization. With five paragraphs tightly woven around the author’s theme, this essay flows effortlessly from beginning to end. The introduction and conclusion, while short, nonetheless focus the reader on the author’s theme (“How's it going, pal? I'm doing pretty good. I just got back from Costa Rica where I was visiting the rainforest! It was so awesome! You should really visit there sometime … See? The rainforest is truly the greatest vacation spot in the world”).
Language Use & Style
The author uses language that is appropriate for this writing task and applies well-chosen words and good sentence structure in this letter. The author’s voice, and apparent excitement about his/her recent trip, is up front in this letter and has the desired effect – to excite the reader about the rain forest.
Mechanics & Conventions
The author controls the conventions and mechanics of writing well. Few noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling are present to detract from the presentation of the author’s message.
Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
Dear Sarah,
I've always envied people who live in Florida , Hawii, or California . There states seem so exciting compared to boring Delaware . And you know you can't say you disagre. But then again those so called exciting states aren't the most thrilling places in the world. What would you think about going to the Rain Forset?
I know. I know you might not like the idea. And let me tell you, when I first heard the idea I didnt like it much either. Then I thought about all the excitement and adventure someone could get out of going there. I mean its everyones dream to go to such a special place. And just think about all the cute animals you'll incover.
The Rain Forest is a home to birds, buterflys, monkeys and more. You will be able to walk in a land of bright beautifle plants with life springinig up all around you. Don't be alarmed if you dont see many insects or animals at first. Some Rain forest creatures use camoflauge to blend in with it's soroundings. Animals or insects are able to stay more safe when they use this clever trick. Other animals that you can't seem to find are most likley nocturnal. In fact alot of creatures living in the Rain Forest are nocturnal.
Animals and insects that are nocturnal hide during the day and are awake at night. So if by some chance you do decide to visit the rain forest remember to go during the day and after sunset. Also remember to have a guide or a person with experiance in the Rain forest with you at all times. Just for memories I would bring a camera too.
Please think about all thats been said and do what you would like to do most. I wouldn't want you to regret anything, but I would just like you to remember that if you do go to the Rain Forest when you get back you'll be able to say "I've gone to a place more exciting then Florida , more exciting than Hawii, more excoting then California . I have gone to th Rain Forest !"
Your friend,
Francesca
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The author sets up an interesting comparison in the opening paragraph, positioning the rain forest as an interesting alternative to some states that are often considered exciting (“… Florida , Hawii, or California . There states seem so exciting compared to boring Delaware . And you know you can't say you disagre. But then again those so called exciting states aren't the most thrilling places in the world. What would you think about going to the Rain Forset”). The author then proceeds to cite information from the text to support the rain forest as an interesting place to visit. S/he s hows a basic understanding of the text and the purpose of the task, and makes some connections between text and task through his/her controlling idea.
Content & Development
The author references an adequate number of details from the text in the third and fourth paragraphs where s/he discusses some of the life in the rain forest (“The Rain Forest is a home to birds, buterflys, monkeys and more. You will be able to walk in a land of bright beautifle plants with life springinig up all around you”) and why it can be hard to find (“Animals and insects that are nocturnal hide during the day and are awake at night. So if by some chance you do decide to visit the rain forest remember to go during the day and after sunset”).
Organization
This essay is adequately organized. The beginning and end of the letter are handled by an introduction and conclusion that both try to highlight the beauty of the rain forest against the reputation of some of the U.S. states (“if you do go to the Rain Forest when you get back you'll be able to say "I've gone to a place more exciting then Florida, more exciting than Hawii, more excoting then California. I have gone to th Rain Forest ”). The rest of the essay is unified around the author’s controlling idea and transitions well from beginning to end.
Language Use & Style
The author’s language is mostly appropriate for this task. Sometimes simple, the author addresses the reader in a way that is common in a letter to a friend (“I know. I know you might not like the idea. And let me tell you, when I first heard the idea I didnt like it much either. Then I thought about all the excitement and adventure someone could get out of going there. I mean its everyones dream to go to such a special place”). The author’s key language challenge involves spelling. While most words appear to be accurately chosen, and the sentences show correct construction, the author’s inability to spell proficiently interferes with the presentation of this essay.
Mechanics & Conventions
This essay displays adequate control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Some errors in grammar (“There states seem so exciting compared to boring Delaware ”), mechanics, and punctuation (“its everyones dream”) are obvious to the reader. But the author’s key weakness is in spelling; numerous serious spelling errors mar the author’s ability to communicate with the reader (“disagre … incover … soroundings”).
Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
Dear Alma,
I want you to go visit the Rain Forest. I want you to go to the rain forest because you can see animals, insects, and plants and other diffrent things. I also want you to go because there are lease animals in the morning. Now I am going to give you three reasons why you should visit the Rain Forest.
The first reason you should go to the Rain Forest is because in the morning yuo can see alot of marvelous plants. You can also see birds, butterflies, insects, and monkeys. You can also see over forty-two diffrent kinsds of bats. You can also see what happening in the morning than in the night.
The second reason you should go visit the Rain Forest is because there are insects. You might like some of them. One type of of isect is the walking sticks. The other type of insects is the moths. The other type of insect is the Katydids. They have surprising shapes and they make whining calls.
The third reason you should go to the Rain Forest is because in the night time you can see more animals. You can see lizards , insects, frogs, and other small creatures. The moth's wings can range from bright orange to gray-blue from a tree trunk. You can see alot of bats flitte threw there.
Those are some reasons why you should go to the Rain Forest. I forgot to tell you that you might see beautyful parrots there. Well you might see other things there. I can tell you that you might like the Rain Forest. I hope I convinced you to go to the Rain Forest.
Your Friend,
Rosa
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
This letter is a limited response to the writing task. The author develops and maintains a relevant controlling idea (“ I want you to go visit the Rain Forest. I want you to go to the rain forest because you can see animals,insects,and plants and other diffrent things. I also want you to go because there are lease animals in the morning. Now I am going to give you three reasons why you should visit the Rain Forest ”) but presents it in an awkward manner that is vaguely derived from the text. Thus, the author only makes a few connections between the text and task through his/her controlling idea.
Content & Development
The author lists three key reasons to convince the reader to visit the rain forest, but provides limited support through details from the text for each (“in the morning yuo can see alot of marvelous plants. You can also see birds,butterflies,insects,and monkeys … because there are insects … because in the night time you can see more animals”). Through such short, colorless descriptions, it is unlikely that the reader will be able to develop a true picture of the beauty and diversity of the rain forest.
Organization
The organizational scheme in this essay is clear but simple. While each paragraph does what it is supposed to do – either introduce/conclude the controlling idea or present some details about one aspect of the rain forest – each task is approached in a simplistic manner (“I want you to go visit the Rain Forest. I want you to go to the rain forest because you can see animals,insects,and plants and other diffrent things … I can tell you that you might like the Rain Forest. I hope I convinced you to go to the Rain Forest”). The essay flows in a choppy manner due to the repetitious style of transitions used between each of the body paragraphs (“The first reason … The second reason … The third reason”).
Language Use & Style
This response is characterized by simple language that is frequently repetitious. Notice how, for example, the author uses the same phrase to open most of the sentences in the second body paragraph (“yuo can see alot of marvelous plants. You can also see birds,butterflies,insects,and monkeys. You can also see over forty-two diffrent kinsds of bats. You can also see what happening in the morning than in the night”). While the author addresses the intended audience of this task, the author’s voice emerges as undefined and overly simplistic.
Mechanics & Conventions
The author displays a minimal grasp of the co nventions and mechanics of writing. Many noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics (“ One type of of isect is the walking sticks. The other type of insects is the moths ” and “ You can see alot of bats flitte threw there ”), punctuation, and spelling are made that surely interfere with the communication of the author’s message.
Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.
Model Essay
Dear Sonny
I just won some tickets to a tropical rain forest on a top of a mountain in Costa Rica for a week. We get to hike up the mountain at night and for the rest of the week we get to walk around the rain forest. We might spot a snake, a monkey or two some birds and more. You might get to see some walking sticks lizards, frogs spiders and other amazing animals. On tuseday you will get to see a movie about the rain forest and it's tropical animals. I called the travel guide person said if we come to the rain forest he said to bring some bug repalant because there are ticks, meoqutosin this rain forest.
your friend
daniel
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
In the beginning of this letter, the author suggests a situation to the reader that could be very interesting (“I just won some tickets to a tropical rain forest on a top of a mountain in Costa Rica for a week”). Unfortunately, the author is ultimately unable to develop this theme in an interesting and meaningful way that is simultaneously connected to the text. Indeed, it is unclear if the author really understands the t ext or purpose of the task, since so few connections are made between the text and task through the author’s controlling idea.
Content & Development
The author supplies virtually no supporting details linked to the text to make this letter informative to the reader – perhaps only two sentences are used to describe the rich life in the rainforest (“We might spot a snake, a monkey or two some birds and more. You might get to see some walking sticks lizards, frogs spiders and other amazing animals”).
Organization
This essay is minimally organized. A brief opening remark that introduces the essay is followed by a short supporting body. No concluding remarks are written to provide closure for the reader. In such a short essay, there is little evidence of transitional devices being used to improve the flow of the author’s remarks.
Language Use & Style
The author’s style of language is poor and lacks the descriptive power needed to illuminate the true splendor of life in the rain forest. In addition, the author commits basic errors in sentence structure, word choice, and usage (“ We might spot a snake, a monkey or two some birds and more”).
Mechanics & Conventions
In this short essay, the author commits several obvious errors in grammar, mechanics (“ I called the travel guide person said if we come to the rain forest he said to bring some bug repalant because there are ticks, meoqutosin this rain forest ”), punctuation (“ You might get to see some walking sticks lizards, frogs spiders and other amazing animals ”), and spelling that substantially debase the author’s attempt to communicate an informative message.
Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
dear josh
I want to tell you that I went to a rainforest it was very nice . We all camp at night we saw of alot of knocktrunel animal. In the morning we were looking around and we saw alots of animal highberatin it was really fun I hope that you write me to me .
your friend,
lazaro
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
This letter shows little understanding of the text or the purpose of the task because it makes no connections to the text through its meager controlling idea (“I want to tell you that I went to a rainforest it was very nice”).
Content & Development
No details related to the text are presented to the reader to support the central idea. The author fails to mention or describe in any detail any of the life forms that were mentioned in the text and that could be encountered in the rain forest.
Organization
In such a short response, no true organizational structure can be discerned. Paragraphing techniques and transitional devices are notably absent, and the essay lacks a noticeable introduction, body, and conclusion.
Language Use & Style
The language used by the author is unclear and incoherent, and displays basic errors in sentence structure, word choice, and usage (“ In the morning we were looking around and we saw alots of animal highberatin it was really fun I hope that you write me to me”).
Mechanics & Conventions
Even in such a short essay, major errors in grammar, mechanics (“We all camp at night we saw of alot of knocktrunel animal”), punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the author’s message.
An Invitation to Steven Spielberg
Read the Biographical Sketch of Steven Spielberg.
Would Steven Spielberg be a good speaker for a school assembly? Write a letter convincing your principal that Steven Spielberg would or would not be a good speaker for an assembly at your school. Use information from the passage to support your argument.
Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
Dear Mr. Jancy,
At our school I hear we have many "Motivational Assemblies". Do these assemblies actually motivate everyone? If not I think we should have one that will really "motivate" everyone. Many of us probably have suggestions for someone who will motivate everyone (at least themselves), but I have an extra special person in mind. Steven Spielberg. Do you know him? If not here is some information on why you should invite him to come to our school and motivate us.
Everyone loves movies! Steven Spielberg has made many of the best movies ever produced and put on the big screen. He has made comedy movies, adventure movies, horror movies, and science fiction movies. One of the best comedy movies he has made was the animated/real people movie Who Framed Roger Rabbit? An awesome adventure movie series he has made was the one with the famous archeologist, Indiana Jones. My favorite science fiction movie was his with the lovable little alien E.T. This movie also kicked off Drew Barrymore's outstanding career. A super scary movie that is full suspense and super thrilling action is Jurassic Park . Not only has he done these types of movies, but he has done many other kinds of movies too, including documentaries and historical fiction movies which also stood out.
Ever since Spielberg was about our age he knew he had a knack for making movies. One of the first films he made was one where he had his Mom boil a cherry dessert in a pressure cooker until it had blown up and disintegrated! Then he was able to film the walls with a sticky, red, gooey substance that looked like blood. When he was twelve he set up a train crash which he filmed by putting two electric trains on a track, positioned so they would crash into each other. After he got his first movie camera he joined a photography program with the Boy Scouts. The very first movie he made for the Scouts was very descriptive, but only three minutes long! This western style movie won him his first real film making award, a Boy Scout Merrit badge. With this badge (and many other achievements) he became one of the youngest Eagle Scouts ever, at the age of only 13! These skills and achievements told young Spielberg that he was born to make movies.
Steven Speilberg is also famous in many people's minds because of all the awards he has won. He has won over 25 Oscars for his films which is a huge achievement for any director/producer. In addition, he was awarded the Best Director Oscar for the 1998 film Saving Private Ryan. Last year he was recognized for his work and was awarded The Director's Guild of American Achievement Award and the French Legion of Honour. Four years ago Queen Victoria of England gave him an honorary British Knighthood. Earlier this year he became part of the Science Fiction Hall of Fame, which is very cool. So not only were his movies loved by people but they have received many special achievement awards too.
Since he is now a role model to many people he takes more responsibility. No longer is he satisfied by entertaining us with edge of your seat thrillers, he also wants to educate us. Since Spielberg is Jewish he wants everyone to learn what happened in the past. Something that is very close to my heart and his, is the dreadful Holocaust. We both have some relatives who died during this time, and some that survived. His movies Shindler's List and The Shoah Project have helped many of us see the horrors of the Holocaust and want us to never, ever let anything like this happen again.
Just by reading all the things I wrote I am already motivated. So I know that if Steven Spielberg came to our school he would really get us going. Mr. Spielberg is a really accomplished producer/director because he follows his dreams. Maybe if he told us to follow our dreams, we would take our dreams to a whole new level. He started his career as a movie director/producer at a very young age. Knowing that, I want to start my career already so I can be successful. For the people who like video games something that would get them really motivated would be when he tells them that recently he just started working on three games with the company EA Games. Like some of us he too liked playing video games. If Steven Spielberg cannot motivate anyone, who can? So could you please oh please let Steven Spielberg come to our school.
Sincerely,
Donald
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
In this thoughtful essay, the author successfully demonstrates a deep understanding of the text and purpose of the task. The response centers on a focused controlling idea. (“Many of us probably have suggestions for someone who will motivate everyone [at least themselves], but I have an extra special person in mind. Steven Spielberg. Do you know him? If not here is some information on why you should invite him to come to our school and motivate us.”) The author clearly understands the text, and without copying from the text directly, makes insightful connections between text and task through his central idea.
Content & Development
This letter is fully developed, supplying the reader with a variety of important information from the text. The author uses specific instances and examples from the article to support his central idea. For example, in the third paragraph, the student fully elaborates on Spielberg’s ambition as a child. (“One of the first films he made was one where he had his Mom boil a cherry dessert in a pressure cooker until it had blown up and disintegrated! Then he was able to film the walls with a sticky, red, gooey substance that looked like blood. When he was twelve he set up a train crash which he filmed by putting two electric trains on a track, positioned so they would crash into each other.”)
Organization
This essay is exceptionally well organized. The introduction grabs the audience’s interest (“ At our school I hear we have many ‘Motivational Assemblies’. Do these assemblies actually motivate everyone?”) and proceeds to establish a strong central idea. Each subsequent paragraph begins with a focused topic sentence. (“Steven Speilberg is also famous in many people's minds because of all the awards he has won.”) The conclusion effectively sums up the author’s argument. (“Mr. Spielberg is a really accomplished producer/director because he follows his dreams. Maybe if he told us to follow our dreams, we would take our dreams to a whole new level. He started his career as a movie director/producer at a very young age. Knowing that, I want to start my career already so I can be successful.”)
Language Use & Style
This author demonstrates the ability to use effective language. Word choice is precise and artful (“disintegrated”, “suspense and super thrilling action”, and “knack for making movies”). The student’s defined voice is noticeable throughout the letter. (“Since he is now a role model to many people he takes more responsibility. No longer is he satisfied by entertaining us with edge of your seat thrillers, he also wants to educate us.”) Additionally, sentences are well-structured and varied. (“Not only has he done these types of movies, but he has done many other kinds of movies too, including documentaries and historical fiction movies which also stood out.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
While not completely free of errors in spelling (“ Speilberg” and “Merrit”) , punctuation, and grammar, this author demonstrates very effective control over the conventions and mechanics of standard written English.
Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
Dear Mr. Smith,
It will be exciting to invite people to the beach party. Steven Spielberg is especially exciting. I think a good school shouldn't just have good grades. It should also be a fun place. It's you and the teacher's job to make it a fun place. So far you and the teachers are doing an incredible job, of course, but it can be even better if you invite Steven Spielberg.( He is a fantastic film maker.)
First, of all he will be both qualified and interesting. He is both qualified, because he has achieved his goal and he is interesting because he made wonderful movies.The reason this makes him qualified is people who have achieved their goal are experienced in their goal, so they give good info. The reason this makes him interesting is if he made a lot of wonderful movies a lot of people would like to meet him and to know about his interesting life. It is pretty good to find someone both qualified and interesting. If someone is just interesting and not qualified he might give an exciting speech but doesn't contain a lot of information and not teach us a lot of things.Someone that is qualified and not interesting can give us a long and boring speech, and teach us a lot of things and contains a lot of information, but make us fall asleep. It is not easy to find someone both qualified and interesting.
Next, you might be thinking that this is a waste of time and that this might not even be educational. Well it is both educational and fun. It is educational because he can teach us what he films, how it works, and what he did. For example he can teach us how things look like they are flying, how explosions look so real, optical elusions, how people look like they' re walking on walls, how do people transform into monsters so quickly and etc. It will be fun because, all his info if very interesting and he can teach us no book can. You might think that we can just learn about him from books, but we can learn more from him in a funner way if he comes. It doesn't even have to take very long, just half an hour or one hour is enough.
Finally, Steven Spielberg has won a lot of prizes. He has won tons of oscars for what he filmed. He filmed " Schlinder's List" and "Raider's of Ark ". These films are very good and it will be wonderful if we can get someone to come to our school who has won so many prizes and made so many very good films. Not only that, but Steven Spielberg was once the youngest eagle scouts in boy scouts. Steven Spielberg is one of best film makers.
So if you invite Steven Spielberg to our school it will be great, educational and fun. We can learn loads of thing in a fun way. Our beach party will be much more fun with him.
Sincerely,
Cathy
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The author demonstrates a clear understanding of the text and the assigned task by establishing a strong controlling idea. (“It's you and the teacher's job to make it a fun place. So far you and the teachers are doing an incredible job, of course, but it can be even better if you invite Steven Spielberg.”) Remaining focused on the stated topic, the author demonstrates a complete understanding of the text and the purpose of the task and makes clear connections between text and task through her central idea.
Content & Development
This letter is well developed and uses many details from the text to help persuade the reader. The author describes what the students will learn by having Spielberg speak at their school. (“For example he can teach us how things look like they are flying, how explosions look so real, optical elusions, how people look like they' re walking on walls, how do people transform into monsters so quickly and etc.”) She then provides the principal with important information about the famous director’s career. (“He filmed " Schlinder's List" and "Raider's of Ark "…Not only that, but Steven Spielberg was once the youngest eagle scouts in boy scouts.”)
Organization
This letter shows good organization. The introductory paragraph is well-structured and ends with a strong controlling idea that pulls together the entire essay. Each body paragraph begins with a focused topic sentence and transitional device. (“Next, you might be thinking that this is a waste of time and that this might not even be educational. Well it is both educational and fun.”) The concluding paragraph appropriately restates this student’s plea. (“So if you invite Steven Spielberg to our school it will be great, educational and fun. We can learn loads of thing in a fun way.”)
Language Use & Style
The author demonstrates appropriate word choice and language use, as well as some evidence of voice. (“ If someone is just interesting and not qualified he might give an exciting speech but doesn't contain a lot of information and not teach us a lot of things.Someone that is qualified and not interesting can give us a long and boring speech, and teach us a lot of things and contains a lot of information, but make us fall asleep. It is not easy to find someone both qualified and interesting.”) Sentences are well-structured and demonstrate some variety. (“He is both qualified, because he has achieved his goal and he is interesting because he made wonderful movies.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
Generally, the response shows good control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. A few errors in spelling (“Schlinder's List”), grammar (“funner way”), and punctuation do appear, but they do not interfere with the message.
Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
Dear Mr. Jimson,
I think we should have a school assembly with Steven Spielberg, because he can tell us a lot about himself. One he tell us a lot of awards. Two he made a lot of different movies. Third he was an early beginner. Fourth he could give a lot of good advice.
First, Steven won a lot of awards. He won the Directors Guild of America Lifetime Achievement Award. Also the French Legion of Honour. He won seven oscars for "Schindler's List". Five oscars for "Raiders of the Lost Ark " and many many more. He won BAFTA too.
Secondly, he made a whole bunch of different movies for different people. Like if you like funny movies "who Framed Roger Rabbit" would be good for you. If you like futuristic movies "Back to the Future" is the movie for you. For scary movies " Jurassic Park " is perfect for you.
Thirdly, he was an an early beginner. He started when he was a young child. His first movie was his mom making a cherry dessert and having it explode. Then he made one with is electronic trains and then have then crash into each other. He then joined the boy scouts photography program, that is where he got his own camera. He had his friends dress up as cowboys. He won his first film making award (a boy scout merit badge at the age of 13 one of youngest scouts.
Fourthly, he could give a lot of good advice. Like never give up. Or follow your goal. I know because Steven made a goal and followed it and he was able to make great movies. Like "Back to the Future", "Jaws", "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" and lots more.
In conclusion, you should have Steven Spielberg for an assembly. One he won a lot of awards. Two he made tons of movies. Third he was an early beginner. Fourthly he could give a lot of good advice.
Sincerely,
Jenna
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
This essay demonstrates an adequate response to this prompt and establishes a basic understanding of the assigned task through a controlling idea. (“I think we should have a school assembly with Steven Spielberg, because he can tell us a lot about himself.”) This student cites suitable information from the text to support her argument, thereby showing a basic understanding of the purpose of the task. She makes some obvious connections between the text and the assignment.
Content & Development
This essay develops ideas adequately, by making appropriate references to the text. For example, in the second paragraph, the author discusses the awards Spielberg received. (“He won the Directors Guild of America Lifetime Achievement Award. Also the French Legion of Honour. He won seven oscars for "Schindler's List". Five oscars for "Raiders of the Lost Ark " and many many more. He won BAFTA too.”) In the third paragraph, his range of films is discussed. (“Like if you like funny movies ‘who Framed Roger Rabbit’ would be good for you. If you like futuristic movies ‘Back to the Future’ is the movie for you.”) Ample specific and relevant details are provided to support the author’s controlling idea.
Organization
This essay is constructed with a generally unified structure. The introduction provides an outline that helps organize the body of the response. (“One he tell us a lot of awards. Two he made a lot of different movies. Third he was an early beginner. Fourth he could give a lot of good advice.”) Each body paragraph begins with a focused topic sentence and transitional response. (“Secondly, he made a whole bunch of different movies for different people.”) The concluding paragraph mirrors the introduction by outlining the body paragraph in the essay. However, it could be improved by restating the central idea in a more unique way.
Language Use & Style
The author shows an adequate ability to use language to communicate with her intended audience. Most word choice is accurate, and the sentences, although simple, are correctly structured. (“Thirdly, he was an an early beginner. He started when he was a young child. His first movie was his mom making a cherry dessert and having it explode.”) Although language use is not overly sophisticated, it appropriately addresses the principal.
Mechanics & Conventions
This essay displays adequate control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Some errors in grammar (“Like never give up.”), spelling, and punctuation (“seven oscars“) are obvious to the reader, but they do not significantly interfere with the author’s message.
Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
Dear Mr.Jefferson,
I think that Steven Spielberg would not be a good speaker at a assembly. He would not be a good speaker because he did bad things. The principal would not want him to teach us bad things. He made two trains crash into each other. He took his dad's camera and filmed the crash. He also boiled cherry's and made them explode. When they exploded he filmed that to.
If he came to one of our assembly's he might encourage us to act like he did. If we acted like him we might get in trouble. He also would not be a good speaker because he snuck into Universal Studios. Ifhe came to our school he might tell us how he snuck into Universal Studios.
Also Steven would dress up each day with a suit and tie and carried a briefcase. He looked like an important studio worker so he walked right passed the guards. When he got past the guards he went right to an office. The office was not even his he just walked into the office and said it was his.
Now Steven Spielberg is one of Hollywood 's most famous directors. He made lots of movies like E.T. ,Jurassic Park and Twister.
Sincerely.
Jack
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
This letter is a limited response to the writing task . The author establishes a controlling idea (“ I think that Steven Spielberg would not be a good speaker at a assembly.”), but it is not fully maintained through the response. This student makes few connections between the text and the task and incompletely understands the purpose of the assignment and its intended audience.
Content & Development
Ideas in this essay are briefly and inconsistently developed. For example, in the first parag r aph, the student attempts to discourage the principal from inviting Spielberg by listing the “bad” things he did as a child. (“He made two trains crash into each other.He took his dad's camera and filmed the crash.He also boiled cherry's and made them explode.”) However, the full picture is never clear. The reader is still left wondering why Spielberg would act in such a way. An explanation is attempted (“When they exploded he filmed that to.”), but is not entirely understandable.
Organization
Although this response consists of four paragraphs, the organization is quite limited. The essay seems to lack logical and fluent transitions from one idea to the next. For example, the relationship between the second and third paragraphs is unclear. In the second paragraph, the author mentions that Spielberg snuck into Universal Studios, while in the next paragraph he describes how the director used to pretend to be a studio worker. The audience is left wondering whether or not both paragraphs discuss the same incident or two separate instances. Additionally, the conclusion to this response would be more appropriate if it tied back to the student’s controlling idea, which is to persuade the principal not to invite Spielberg to the school.
Language Use & Style
Although the language use in this response is not wholly inappropriate, it is quite simple. Sentence structure is unsophisticated and occasionally repetitive. (“If he came to one of our assembly's he might encourage us to act like he did.If we acted like him we might get in trouble.”) Word choice is also simple. (“He would not be a good speaker because he did bad things.The principal would not want him to teach us bad things.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The author of this essay demonstrates limited control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. There are frequent errors in spelling (“he walked right passed”), grammar, and punctuation (“Ifhe”); however, they usually do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.
Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.
Model Essay
I think steven spielberg would be a good speaker because he can tell people that you should always follow your dream and never give up. steven spielberg is someone you can look up to. He can tell us how hard it is to be a director and how difficult it gets. If you wanted to direct a movie you should really listed=n to him he might give good advice. Ithink steven is a great movie maker I love the movie E.T I think Aileen movies are cool I know that steven whouled like to talk to children because he knows he is being liked thats why I think steven spielberg It whouled be cool to have talk At ower horary assembly.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
This response shows an unclear understanding of the text and the task. An obvious attempt is made to establish a controlling idea (“I think steven spielberg would be a good speaker because he can tell people that you should always follow your dream and never give up.”), but it is not maintained in the development of the essay. The connections between the text and the assignment are vague and inadequate.
Content & Development
This response develops ideas incompletely and insufficiently. The author uses very few details from the text. (“ He can tell us how hard it is to be a director and how difficult it gets. If you wanted to direct a movie you should really listed=n to him he might give good advice. Ithink steven is a great movie maker I love the movie E.T”) The details he/she does incorporate are quite confusing, inaccurate, and irrelevant. (“T I think Aileen movies are cool I know that steven whouled like to talk to children because he knows he is being liked”) This essay fails to sufficiently develop a controlling idea with specific details and relevant examples.
Organization
Little evidence of structure is detected in this response. Although the letter begins with an introductory sentence (“ I think steven spielberg would be a good speaker because he can tell people that you should always follow your dream and never give up. “), the entire essay consists of a single paragraph. No concluding remarks are written to provide closure for the reader. In such a short essay, there is little evidence of transitional devices being used to improve the flow of the author’s remarks.
Language Use & Style
The author uses poor language to communicate his/her ideas and seems unaware of the audience. Problems with sentence structure and word choice detract from meaning. (“Ithink steven is a great movie maker I love the movie E.T I think Aileen movies are cool I know that steven whouled like to talk to children because he knows he is being liked thats why I think steven spielberg It whouled be cool to have talk At ower horary assembly.”) This student has very minimal skill in language use.
Mechanics & Conventions
Several very significant errors interfere with the message in this essay. Problems with punctuation (“steven spielberg”), grammar, and spelling (“Aileen“ and “ower horary”) question the author’s ability to control the conventions of writing.
Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
Dear Mrs.Mc.Cain,
Can we get Steven Spielberg for assembly.He made alot of movies like JAWS,STARWARS,and INDAINAJONES.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
This letter shows no understanding of the text or the purpose of the task because it makes no connections to the text through its poor controlling idea (“Can we get Steven Spielberg for assembly”).
Content & Development
This essay fails to develop any meaningful ideas and provides virtually no details from the text for support. (“He made alot of movies like JAWS,STARWARS,and INDAINAJONES.”)
Organization
The essay essentially consists of only two sentences. In such a short response, no true organizational structure can be discerned. Paragraphing techniques and transitional devices are notably absent, and the essay lacks a noticeable introduction, body, and conclusion.
Language Use & Style
It is difficult to discern the appropriateness of his/her language use in such a short response. However, the language used by the author lacks clarity and displays basic errors in sentence structure, word choice, and usage. (“ Can we get Steven Spielberg for assembly.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
Several significant errors somewhat interfere with the message in this essay. Problems with punctuation (“Mrs.Mc.Cain”), grammar (“alot”), and spelling (“INDAINAJONES“) question the author’s ability to control the conventions of writing.
Carefully read the selections "Hitching a Ride" and "Asteroid Away!". Write a multi-paragraph essay in which you explain how the information in "Asteroid Away!" would be helpful to Renata from "Hitching a Ride." What steps could Renata take to change the path of the asteroid? Be sure to include details from both texts to support your answer.
Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
"Look out!" In the selection "Asteroids Away" it says that a group of astronomers are tracking an asteroid they call "1950 DA" that they predict will collide with earth. Luckily they say this will happen in about 858 years. This prediction got them thinking for the people in the future who want know how to address this problem, they have so far come up with three ways to do so. All of these ways involve going up to space and catching a ride on the asteroid with enough time to do what you need to do, all of these methods are different in their own way yet all still efficient. One method is using explosives to blow up the surface of the asteroid creating a rough surface so the sun won't push it along. Another way is to coat the surface with a plastic so the rays of the sun reflect of the plastic. The last method they have come up with for now is to attach a rocket booster to the asteroid and have it push the asteroid off course. The second section "Hitching A ride" is about a woman named Renata whose rocket is low on fuel and she decides to "hitch a ride' on an asteroid and doesn't realize the danger she is in and how much danger the earth is in.
I think that the character Renata from "Hitching A Ride" could have indeed saved the world from a huge crater along with many deaths if she thought about the situation she was in. Though she probably wouldn't have known how to help if she hadn't read the first selection "Asteroids Away", but if she did read how to stop an asteroid from hitting earth then that would be a different case. If she had read the selection then she would have known and could have used one of the three methods on how to stop the asteroid from hitting the surface of the earth. If she used the method of using her rocket booster to redirect the asteroid then there would be a huge chance that she would drift into space on the asteroid because if she redirected it then it would lose most of its momentum. Though could lead to a fatal death this method is an efficient way of redirecting an asteroid.
Another way Renata from "Hitching A Ride" could set the asteroid that she "hitches a ride" on off course and into oblivion is again one of the ways listed in "Asteroid Away"; she could use explosives to change the depth in the surface of the asteroid which would reflect the sun UV rays and the asteroid would lose the power to continue. As a result of the explosion the craters could be made, but shrapnel from the explosion could hit one of the crew mates with tremendous force causing them to float into space. Though there is a chance for everyone to take cover in their rocket ship and use the blast from the explosion to push them away from the asteroid and into the earths atmosphere. This method may be able to save the crew and save the earth as well. If she used this way of redirecting the asteroid then she may have a chance to die, or she would live to see earth again. This is a method that could be fatal, but is still quite efficient.
There is one more method that could be used be Renata from "Hitching A Ride" that could be the most safest way to redirect the asteroid she is on, and also the way that is most likely to grant her wish of getting back to earth. This method involves using plastic to cover the surface of the asteroid that she and her crew are “hitching a ride" on and the plastic will act like a reflector. The plastic would reflect the suns UV rays and make the asteroid loose the power to continue its rampage towards earth. This is the way that almost certainly grants them a chance to get back onto earth, because the asteroid would slowly lose momentum and eventually stop close to earth. While in the position to take off, Renata powers up the engine and uses the last of her fuel to get to earth's atmosphere and gravity will do the rest. I think this is would be the most efficient way of completing her goal.
In summary, the methods I have just listed would be very effective in Renata's situation (assuming they work) and in the luckiest times you will get out unharmed. If Renata had known this information on how to stop an asteroid from reaching the earth's atmosphere then she most likely would have used the three methods from "Asteroids Away!" which are the methods I have just restated. She may have been able to set it off course and would have saved the earth from damage that wasn't needed to happen. If Renata used any of these methods for stopping the asteroid she and her crew were "hitching a ride on" from hitting earth then she would most likely succeed in the task of doing so.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay by demonstrating a deep understanding of the text and the purpose of the task. He/she makes insightful connections between text and task through a clearly defined controlling idea or thesis statement. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience and effectively completes all parts of the task, leaving the readers with a clear picture of how information from one selection ("Asteroid Away!") can help the character Renata in the other selection ("Hitching a Ride").
The language of the controlling idea or thesis statement fits the examples very effectively. (“ I think that the character Renata from ‘Hitching A Ride’ could have indeed saved the world from a huge crater along with many deaths if she thought about the situation she was in. ”)
The beginning of the essay focuses the readers’ attention on the two selections about asteroids, “Asteroids Away!” and “Hitching a Ride.” The controlling idea or thesis statement appears in the second paragraph, but it would define the purpose of the essay more clearly if it was placed in the introduction. (“ In the selection ‘Asteroids Away’ it says that a group of astronomers are tracking an asteroid they call ‘1950 DA’ that they predict will collide with earth. … The second section ‘Hitching A ride’ is about a woman named Renata whose rocket is low on fuel and she decides to ‘hitch a ride’ on an asteroid and doesn't realize the danger she is in and how much danger the earth is in. ”)
The writer maintains the focus by connecting all of the details used in the essay to the central/controlling idea very effectively. (“ Though she probably wouldn't have known how to help if she hadn't read the first selection ‘Asteroids Away’, but if she did read how to stop an asteroid from hitting earth then that would be a different case. If she had read the selection then she would have known and could have used one of the three methods on how to stop the asteroid from hitting the surface of the earth. If she used the method of using her rocket booster to redirect the asteroid then there would be a huge chance that she would drift into space on the asteroid because if she redirected it then it would lose most of its momentum. Though could lead to a fatal death this method is an efficient way of redirecting an asteroid. ”)
Content & Development
There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and clearly by providing specific and relevant details from the text, using paraphrasing to include credible information from the text. Sources used for facts are cited correctly.
Details and explanations from the text illustrate main ideas very effectively. (“ Another way Renata from ‘Hitching A Ride’ could set the asteroid that she ‘hitches a ride’ on off course and into oblivion is again one of the ways listed in ‘Asteroid Away’; she could use explosives to change the depth in the surface of the asteroid which would reflect the sun UV rays and the asteroid would lose the power to continue. As a result of the explosion the craters could be made, but shrapnel from the explosion could hit one of the crew mates with tremendous force causing them to float into space. Though there is a chance for everyone to take cover in their rocket ship and use the blast from the explosion to push them away from the asteroid and into the earths atmosphere. This method may be able to save the crew and save the earth as well. ”)
Relevant points explain and illustrate the methods for changing the course of the asteroid very effectively. (“ There is one more method that could be used be Renata from ‘Hitching A Ride’ that could be the most safest way to redirect the asteroid she is on, and also the way that is most likely to grant her wish of getting back to earth. This method involves using plastic to cover the surface of the asteroid that she and her crew are ‘hitching a ride’ on and the plastic will act like a reflector. The plastic would reflect the suns UV rays and make the asteroid loose the power to continue its rampage towards earth. ”)
Specific information from both text selections is developed very effectively. (“ This is the way that almost certainly grants them a chance to get back onto earth, because the asteroid would slowly lose momentum and eventually stop close to earth. While in the position to take off, Renata powers up the engine and uses the last of her fuel to get to earth's atmosphere and gravity will do the rest. I think this is would be the most efficient way of completing her goal. ”)
Organization
The organization is very effective. The writer demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. There is effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout the essay.
The writer captures the readers’ attention in the introduction by incorporating an interjection to create alarm about the predicted asteroid collision. (“‘ Look out!’ In the selection ‘Asteroids Away’ it says that a group of astronomers are tracking an asteroid they call ‘1950 DA’ that they predict will collide with earth. Luckily they say this will happen in about 858 years. This prediction got them thinking for the people in the future who want know how to address this problem, they have so far come up with three ways to do so. All of these ways involve going up to space and catching a ride on the asteroid with enough time to do what you need to do, all of these methods are different in their own way yet all still efficient. ”)
Transitions are used effectively to connect ideas between paragraphs. (“ Another way Renata from ‘Hitching A Ride’ could set the asteroid that she ‘hitches a ride’ on off course and into oblivion is again one of the ways listed in ‘Asteroid Away’; she could use explosives to change the depth in the surface of the asteroid which would reflect the sun UV rays and the asteroid would lose the power to continue. As a result of the explosion the craters could be made, but shrapnel from the explosion could hit one of the crew mates with tremendous force causing them to float into space. ”)
The writer includes an ending that provides the readers with a sense of closure. (“ In summary, the methods I have just listed would be very effective in Renata's situation (assuming they work) and in the luckiest times you will get out unharmed. If Renata had known this information on how to stop an asteroid from reaching the earth's atmosphere then she most likely would have used the three methods from ‘Asteroids Away!’ which are the methods I have just restated. She may have been able to set it off course and would have saved the earth from damage that wasn't needed to happen. If Renata used any of these methods for stopping the asteroid she and her crew were ‘hitching a ride on’ from hitting earth then she would most likely succeed in the task of doing so. ”)
Language Use & Style
The use of language, voice, and style is very effective. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choices, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the effectiveness of the writer’s response.
The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“ There is one more method that could be used be Renata from ‘Hitching A Ride’ that could be the most safest way to redirect the asteroid she is on, and also the way that is most likely to grant her wish of getting back to earth. ”)
The writer chooses descriptive words to effectively illustrate the movement of the asteroid. (“ This method involves using plastic to cover the surface of the asteroid that she and her crew are ‘hitching a ride’ on and the plastic will act like a reflector. The plastic would reflect the suns UV rays and make the asteroid loose the power to continue its rampage towards earth. This is the way that almost certainly grants them a chance to get back onto earth, because the asteroid would slowly lose momentum and eventually stop close to earth. ”)
The writer demonstrates a strong voice throughout the response. (“ she could use explosives to change the depth in the surface of the asteroid which would reflect the sun UV rays and the asteroid would lose the power to continue. As a result of the explosion the craters could be made, but shrapnel from the explosion could hit one of the crew mates with tremendous force causing them to float into space. Though there is a chance for everyone to take cover in their rocket ship and use the blast from the explosion to push them away from the asteroid and into the earths atmosphere. This method may be able to save the crew and save the earth as well. If she used this way of redirecting the asteroid then she may have a chance to die, or she would live to see earth again. ”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ One method is using explosives to blow up the surface of the asteroid creating a rough surface so the sun won't push it along. Another way is to coat the surface with a plastic so the rays of the sun reflect of the plastic. The last method they have come up with for now is to attach a rocket booster to the asteroid and have it push the asteroid off course. ”)
Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
Did you know that somewhere up in space there is an asteroid called 1950DA? There is a 1-in-300 chance that the asteroid will crash into Earth. This asteroid is almost a mile wide and if it did crash into earth than it would create a lot of damage. The good thing is that if Earth and the asteroid cross paths, than the asteroid would not come back for another super long 878 years. This gives scientists a time to think. A way to prevent the asteroid from crashing into earth is to cover it in shiny plastic. By covering the asteroid with plastic it will reflect the suns rays and change the direction of the asteroid because of how much heat energy comes from the sun. Another way to stop the asteroid was to ether put a layer of dirt or explosives to make rough spots on the surface. This would also change the path of the asteroid.
In the text "Hitching a Ride" a girl named Renata and the crew are up in space and need help getting down to earth because most of their fuel has run out. An asteroid shows up and they suddenly have an idea. They go over and cling their spacecraft onto the asteroid witch is heading to earth. Yes! Right? Not exactly, because there is just one problem. The asteroid will smash into Earth. Using the information from 'Asteroid Away' we, need to help Renata and her crew get back to earth.
One thing that she could do is get on her spacesuit, grab any plastic that she could possibly find, go out into space, and put the plastic all over the asteroid. The asteroid would change path because of the less heat the asteroid would get from the sun. Then get into the rocket, and zoom back to earth with the remaining fuel after they got the extra boost from the asteroid to finally reach home (Earth).
In conclusion, she could stop the asteroid from crashing into earth, and use the rest of the fuel to get back to earth safely. Also, it is better to think things through than to rush ahead. It may not be another 878 years, but thinking ahead is always the better solution than to wait for things to happen in the future. 1950DA is a big asteroid and if it did crash into Earth than it would make a lot of damage so always keep your heads up to the sky.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the essay. The writer demonstrates a complete understanding of the text and the purpose of the task. He/she makes clear connections between text and task through the controlling or central idea. The writer succeeds in satisfying most parts of the prompt task.
In the beginning of the essay, the controlling or central idea should clearly indicate the connection between “Asteroids Away!” and “Hitching a Ride.” Although the purpose of the essay is stated at the end of the second paragraph, the controlling or central idea would be clearer if it were placed in the introduction. (“ Using the information from 'Asteroid Away' we, need to help Renata and her crew get back to earth. ”)
Specific information from the text is used to keep the focus of the prompt task. (“ A way to prevent the asteroid from crashing into earth is to cover it in shiny plastic. By covering the asteroid with plastic it will reflect the suns rays and change the direction of the asteroid because of how much heat energy comes from the sun. Another way to stop the asteroid was to ether put a layer of dirt or explosives to make rough spots on the surface. This would also change the path of the asteroid. ”)
The writer shows understanding of the intended audience by giving the readers information from both texts. The writer effectively shows how Renata from “Hitching a Ride” can use information from “Asteroids Away!” to change the course of the asteroid. (“ One thing that she could do is get on her spacesuit, grab any plastic that she could possibly find, go out into space, and put the plastic all over the asteroid. The asteroid would change path because of the less heat the asteroid would get from the sun. Then get into the rocket, and zoom back to earth with the remaining fuel after they got the extra boost from the asteroid to finally reach home (Earth). ”)
Content & Development
There is good content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and develops ideas fully, providing specific and relevant details from the text. He/she uses paraphrasing to include credible information from the text. The writer effectively completes all parts of the task and leaves the readers with a clear picture of the dangers of asteroid 1950 DA and how Renata’s crew could keep it from hitting Earth.
Details explain and relate to the controlling or central idea. (“ This asteroid is almost a mile wide and if it did crash into earth than it would create a lot of damage. The good thing is that if Earth and the asteroid cross paths, than the asteroid would not come back for another super long 878 years. This gives scientists a time to think. A way to prevent the asteroid from crashing into earth is to cover it in shiny plastic. By covering the asteroid with plastic it will reflect the suns rays and change the direction of the asteroid because of how much heat energy comes from the sun. ”)
The details, including relevant information from the text, are connected to the main idea in the topic sentence. (“ In the text ‘Hitching a Ride’ a girl named Renata and the crew are up in space and need help getting down to earth because most of their fuel has run out. An asteroid shows up and they suddenly have an idea. They go over and cling their spacecraft onto the asteroid witch is heading to earth. Yes! Right? Not exactly, because there is just one problem. The asteroid will smash into Earth. Using the information from 'Asteroid Away' we, need to help Renata and her crew get back to earth. ”)
The content in the body paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain the main idea. (“ One thing that she could do is get on her spacesuit, grab any plastic that she could possibly find, go out into space, and put the plastic all over the asteroid. The asteroid would change path because of the less heat the asteroid would get from the sun. Then get into the rocket, and zoom back to earth with the remaining fuel after they got the extra boost from the asteroid to finally reach home (Earth). ”)
Organization
There is good organization of ideas and events throughout the essay. The writer demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. Additionally, consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices is reflected.
The writer uses a question to begin the essay, which can be effective, but he/she immediately moves into information about the first text without creating a separate introductory paragraph. (“ Did you know that somewhere up in space there is an asteroid called 1950DA? There is a 1-in-300 chance that the asteroid will crash into Earth. This asteroid is almost a mile wide and if it did crash into earth than it would create a lot of damage. The good thing is that if Earth and the asteroid cross paths, than the asteroid would not come back for another super long 878 years. This gives scientists a time to think. A way to prevent the asteroid from crashing into earth is to cover it in shiny plastic. By covering the asteroid with plastic it will reflect the suns rays and change the direction of the asteroid because of how much heat energy comes from the sun. Another way to stop the asteroid was to ether put a layer of dirt or explosives to make rough spots on the surface. This would also change the path of the asteroid. ”)
Transitions between paragraphs or sentences are used well. (“ One thing that she could do is get on her spacesuit, grab any plastic that she could possibly find, go out into space, and put the plastic all over the asteroid. The asteroid would change path because of the less heat the asteroid would get from the sun. Then get into the rocket, and zoom back to earth with the remaining fuel after they got the extra boost from the asteroid to finally reach home (Earth). ”)
The essay’s conclusion provides the readers with a sense of closure. (“ In conclusion, she could stop the asteroid from crashing into earth, and use the rest of the fuel to get back to earth safely. Also, it is better to think things through than to rush ahead. It may not be another 878 years, but thinking ahead is always the better solution than to wait for things to happen in the future. 1950DA is a big asteroid and if it did crash into Earth than it would make a lot of damage so always keep your heads up to the sky. ”)
Language Use & Style
The writer integrates good language use, voice, and style throughout the essay. A ppropriate language and word choice, good voice, and a clear sense of audience are demonstrated. The writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety .
The essay includes sentences with a variety of lengths and structures. (“ This asteroid is almost a mile wide and if it did crash into earth than it would create a lot of damage. The good thing is that if Earth and the asteroid cross paths, than the asteroid would not come back for another super long 878 years. This gives scientists a time to think. ”)
Language and tone are consistent. (“ In the text ‘Hitching a Ride’ a girl named Renata and the crew are up in space and need help getting down to earth because most of their fuel has run out. An asteroid shows up and they suddenly have an idea. They go over and cling their spacecraft onto the asteroid witch is heading to earth. Yes! Right? Not exactly, because there is just one problem. The asteroid will smash into Earth. Using the information from 'Asteroid Away' we, need to help Renata and her crew get back to earth. ”)
The writer employs good word choice to describe the flight of Renata’s spaceship. (“ Then get into the rocket, and zoom back to earth with the remaining fuel after they got the extra boost from the asteroid to finally reach home (Earth). ”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The writer exhibits good control of mechanics and conventions throughout the essay. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.
The writer should ensure all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and all new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks. Specifically, the writer should use “than” and “then” correctly. (“ This asteroid is almost a mile wide and if it did crash into earth than it would create a lot of damage. The good thing is that if Earth and the asteroid cross paths, than the asteroid would not come back for another super long 878 years. ”)
Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
After reading ''Hitching a ride'' and ''Asteroid away!'' I think information that will be helpful to Renata from ''Hitching a ride'' is when the astronomers from ''Asteroid away'' had an idea that they could use a rocket to steer the asteroid away from earth. Renata's ship is almost out of gas so she landed on the asteroid so she could get close tho earth. So if so if the asteroid gets to close to earth Renata can start the engines. But without getting of the asteroid so she can steer the asteroid away from earth and get close enough to earth. Then they will be free to land on earth
There is another thing that can be helpful for Renata when astronomers had an idea that they could cover part of the asteroid with shiny plastic. It's just like the rocket Renata's ship landed on the asteroid because they were almost out of gas. But instead of turning on the engines and steer the asteroid away from earth we cover the asteroid with plastic. Renata could use leftover supplies on the part that's facing the sun since the asteroid gets energy from the sun. The asteroid would float right past earth and Renata will get home
The steps that Renata can use to change the path of the asteroid are first land on the asteroid. Next get plastic or supplies. Cover the part of the asteroid with plastic. Last get of the asteroid and wait for it to lose power or energy.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The writer maintains adequate focus and meaning in the essay. The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the text and the purpose of the task and implies connections between text and task through the controlling or central idea. The writer provides descriptions and details that are relevant and completes many parts of the task.
The thesis states the controlling idea of the essay and the point of view of the writer adequately. (“After reading ‘Hitching a ride’ and ‘Asteroid away!’ I think information that will be helpful to Renata from ‘Hitching a ride’ is when the astronomers from ‘Asteroid away’ had an idea that they could use a rocket to steer the asteroid away from earth.”)
The writer makes connections between specific information from the passages and his/her ideas. (“So if so if the asteroid gets to close to earth Renata can start the engines. But without getting of the asteroid so she can steer the asteroid away from earth and get close enough to earth. Then they will be free to land on earth”)
The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The essay is devoted to informing the readers about how methods from “Asteroids Away!” can help Renata from “Hitching a Ride.” (“There is another thing that can be helpful for Renata when astronomers had an idea that they could cover part of the asteroid with shiny plastic. It's just like the rocket Renata's ship landed on the asteroid because they were almost out of gas. But instead of turning on the engines and steer the asteroid away from earth we cover the asteroid with plastic.”)
Content & Development
The development of ideas and content is adequate. The writer develops ideas adequately, providing specific and relevant details from the text. He/she uses a predictable pattern to include credible information from the text; e.g., paraphrasing. Most sources used for facts are cited.
The essay contains adequate details from the text to illustrate the main ideas. (“Renata's ship is almost out of gas so she landed on the asteroid so she could get close tho earth. So if so if the asteroid gets to close to earth Renata can start the engines.”)
The writer provides relevant anecdotal examples from the text. (“But without getting of the asteroid so she can steer the asteroid away from earth and get close enough to earth. Then they will be free to land on earth”)
The explanations and details used to illustrate the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. Providing more specific details would enhance the writer’s descriptions of how changes to the surface of the asteroid affect its path. (“It's just like the rocket Renata's ship landed on the asteroid because they were almost out of gas. But instead of turning on the engines and steer the asteroid away from earth we cover the asteroid with plastic. Renata could use leftover supplies on the part that's facing the sun since the asteroid gets energy from the sun. The asteroid would float right past earth and Renata will get home”)
Organization
There is adequate organization in the essay. The writer provides an interesting opening to the response that keeps the readers reading. The essay generally flows smoothly from one idea to another with subtle transitions to support sequential development.
The beginning of the essay demonstrates an adequate introduction to the texts about asteroids. (“ After reading ‘Hitching a ride’ and ‘Asteroid away!’ I think information that will be helpful to Renata from ‘Hitching a ride’ is when the astronomers from ‘Asteroid away’ had an idea that they could use a rocket to steer the asteroid away from earth. ”)
Subtle transitions are used to connect ideas. (“ There is another thing that can be helpful for Renata when astronomers had an idea that they could cover part of the asteroid with shiny plastic. It's just like the rocket Renata's ship landed on the asteroid because they were almost out of gas. But instead of turning on the engines and steer the asteroid away from earth we cover the asteroid with plastic.”)
The conclusion summarizes the main points of the response and leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“ The steps that Renata can use to change the path of the asteroid are first land on the asteroid. Next get plastic or supplies. Cover the part of the asteroid with plastic. Last get of the asteroid and wait for it to lose power or energy. ”)
Language Use & Style
The use of language, voice, and style is adequate. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, an awareness of audience, and control of voice. There is generally correct sentence structure with some variety .
The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the essay. (“ After reading ‘Hitching a ride’ and ‘Asteroid away!’ I think information that will be helpful to Renata from ‘Hitching a ride’ is when the astronomers from ‘Asteroid away’ had an idea that they could use a rocket to steer the asteroid away from earth. Renata's ship is almost out of gas so she landed on the asteroid so she could get close tho earth.”)
Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ There is another thing that can be helpful for Renata when astronomers had an idea that they could cover part of the asteroid with shiny plastic. It's just like the rocket Renata's ship landed on the asteroid because they were almost out of gas.”)
The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the response. He/she provides language that adequately describes how Renata can change the path of the asteroid. (“ But instead of turning on the engines and steer the asteroid away from earth we cover the asteroid with plastic. Renata could use leftover supplies on the part that's facing the sun since the asteroid gets energy from the sun. The asteroid would float right past earth and Renata will get home”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The writer exhibits adequate control of mechanics and conventions through most of the essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.
The writer should ensure that sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have subject-verb agreement, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, word selections are spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs are indicated with line breaks. (“ So if so if the asteroid gets to close to earth Renata can start the engines. But without getting of the asteroid so she can steer the asteroid away from earth and get close enough to earth.”)
Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
In 'Asteroid Away' it says an asteroid is almost a mile wide. In the writing one of the astronomers say that they should wrap the asteroid in shiny plastic. If the asteroid hit the water it would cause mager tidal waves and floods. The astronomers said there's nothing to worry about.also they said it sounds like its coming right from a scinence fiction story. It also says that some of the asteroids energy comes from the sun. In the story they say that there is a 1 in a 100 chance that the 1950 DA will crash into earth.
In ''Hitching A Ride'' the crew had been in space for more then a year. (the crew names Renata, Jose' , and Cynthia). They looked at the the fuel and it was almost empty. They saw a bright light and it was the asteroid. Jose' said he wants a home made meal. and Renata said that she wants to see her family. And Cynthia said she wanted the feel water
she could change the path by trying to cut it off. also she said they could wrap plastic around it. They could bump it to the side. Also they could bump it up. they also could let it move. that's how i think she could change the path.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The focus and meaning are limited in the essay. The writer demonstrates a vague or incomplete understanding of the text and the purpose of the task. He/she implies a few connections between text and task through the controlling or central idea. The essay provides details that may not give the readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Only some of the prompt tasks are completed.
The writer should improve the focus of the controlling or central idea by emphasizing the purpose of the prompt task and connecting the two text selections. (“ In 'Asteroid Away' it says an asteroid is almost a mile wide.”)
The writer’s focus is limited. The writer focuses on the selections "Hitching a Ride" and "Asteroid Away!" separately, and the description of how they are connected to each other is limited at best. (“ In ‘Hitching A Ride’ the crew had been in space for more then a year. (the crew names Renata, Jose' , and Cynthia).”)
The writer provides limited examples in the essay and should include more meaningful examples from the text to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“ she could change the path by trying to cut it off. also she said they could wrap plastic around it. They could bump it to the side. Also they could bump it up. they also could let it move. ”)
Content & Development
The essay contains limited content and development. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, providing some specific and relevant details from the text. He/she uses limited methods to include credible information from the text; e.g., paraphrasing and direct quotes. Some sources used for quotes and facts are cited correctly.
The essay contains limited details to illustrate the main ideas. More details are needed to reference the text information more effectively. (“ In 'Asteroid Away' it says an asteroid is almost a mile wide. In the writing one of the astronomers say that they should wrap the asteroid in shiny plastic. If the asteroid hit the water it would cause mager tidal waves and floods. The astronomers said there's nothing to worry about.also they said it sounds like its coming right from a scinence fiction story. ”)
The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the stated controlling idea of the essay. (“ In ‘Hitching A Ride’ the crew had been in space for more then a year. (the crew names Renata, Jose' , and Cynthia). They looked at the the fuel and it was almost empty. They saw a bright light and it was the asteroid. Jose' said he wants a home made meal. and Renata said that she wants to see her family. And Cynthia said she wanted the feel water ”)
The explanations and details used to illustrate the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. More references to the text would help to support the writer’s ideas. (“ she could change the path by trying to cut it off. also she said they could wrap plastic around it. They could bump it to the side. Also they could bump it up. they also could let it move. that's how i think she could change the path. ”)
Organization
There is limited organization of main ideas and supporting details in the essay. The writer demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. There is limited use of paragraphing, and the essay lacks some transitional devices.
The essay begins by discussing the article "Asteroid Away!" without first providing an introduction. (“ In 'Asteroid Away' it says an asteroid is almost a mile wide. In the writing one of the astronomers say that they should wrap the asteroid in shiny plastic. If the asteroid hit the water it would cause mager tidal waves and floods. The astronomers said there's nothing to worry about.”)
Strong transitions within paragraphs and between sentences are needed to enhance the flow of the writer’s ideas. (“ In ‘Hitching A Ride’ the crew had been in space for more then a year. (the crew names Renata, Jose' , and Cynthia). They looked at the the fuel and it was almost empty. They saw a bright light and it was the asteroid. ”)
The writer does not provide a conclusion in the essay. A strong conclusion would summarize main ideas and give the readers something to think about as the essay draws to a close. (“ she could change the path by trying to cut it off. also she said they could wrap plastic around it. They could bump it to the side. Also they could bump it up. they also could let it move. that's how i think she could change the path. ”)
Language Use & Style
The writer demonstrates a limited use of language, voice, and style. The essay reveals simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.
The style of the writing is choppy and impacts the voice of the writer. (“ The astronomers said there's nothing to worry about.also they said it sounds like its coming right from a scinence fiction story. It also says that some of the asteroids energy comes from the sun. In the story they say that there is a 1 in a 100 chance that the 1950 DA will crash into earth. ”)
The s tructure of many sentences is repetitive in style and does not effectively communicate the writer’s ideas to the intended audience. (“ They looked at the the fuel and it was almost empty. They saw a bright light and it was the asteroid. Jose' said he wants a home made meal. and Renata said that she wants to see her family. And Cynthia said she wanted the feel water ”)
Some sentence lengths are short. The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the language more interesting to the intended audience. (“ she could change the path by trying to cut it off. also she said they could wrap plastic around it. They could bump it to the side. Also they could bump it up. they also could let it move.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The control of mechanics and conventions is limited in the essay. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.
The writer should make sure each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with line breaks, and words are spelled and used correctly within the context of sentences. (“ In ‘Hitching A Ride’ the crew had been in space for more then a year. (the crew names Renata, Jose' , and Cynthia). ”)
The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.
Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.
Model Essay
As Renata was on the asteriod in her ship that was heading to Earth she had to find away to keep it from smashing into Earth. She can cover the asteriod with tinfiol. She could almost do everything to keep the earth safe. You know how parents say never put tinfiol in the microwaves. What if Renata did that but not in a microwave how about an asteriod so it will blow up. The heat from the motion the asteriods can make it go caboom! This is just one of my ideas.
There are lots of ways to get rid of that asteriod here's one you can shoot it. You can keep shooting it till it turns into a small baby rock. You can shoot it with a rocket. Rockets are really strong it can kill over a thousand people. Something haves to be able to get rid of it.
Everything can be solved but a asteriod is diferent. but it's ok. We live in a harsh world anyway. Those are my ideas to get rid of the asteriod. Know you can think of some.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. He/she demonstrates an unclear understanding of the text and the purpose of the task and makes illogical and/or unnecessary connections between text and task through the controlling or central idea. Additionally, the writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. As a result, the writer completes few parts of the task.
The essay only minimally states a controlling or central idea. The writer misses the opportunity to focus the essay on the relationship between the selection "Asteroid Away!" and the story "Hitching a Ride." (“ As Renata was on the asteriod in her ship that was heading to Earth she had to find away to keep it from smashing into Earth.”)
The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas through text references sufficiently enough to give the readers a true sense of how the two texts are connected in the prompt task. More details from the text are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“There are lots of ways to get rid of that asteriod here's one you can shoot it. You can keep shooting it till it turns into a small baby rock.”)
The essay does not illustrate an understanding of the purpose of the prompt task. The writer provides his/her own ideas to change the path of the asteroid instead of using information from the text. (“ Everything can be solved but a asteriod is diferent. but it's ok. We live in a harsh world anyway. Those are my ideas to get rid of the asteriod. Know you can think of some. ”)
Content & Development
There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and minimally, providing few details from the text, some of which are not specific and/or relevant. He/she uses minimal methods to include credible information from the text; e.g., paraphrasing and direct quotes .
In the brief essay, the writer does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“ She can cover the asteriod with tinfiol. … There are lots of ways to get rid of that asteriod here's one you can shoot it.”)
Details are needed to sufficiently explain and illustrate each main idea. Details should include examples, facts, brief narratives, or quotes from the text that give the readers a clear picture of the specific methods Renata could use to control the asteroid based on the selection "Asteroid Away!" (“She can cover the asteriod with tinfiol. She could almost do everything to keep the earth safe. You know how parents say never put tinfiol in the microwaves. What if Renata did that but not in a microwave how about an asteriod so it will blow up. The heat from the motion the asteriods can make it go caboom!”)
The writer’s details are minimally developed, and some supporting details are not relevant. (“There are lots of ways to get rid of that asteriod here's one you can shoot it. You can keep shooting it till it turns into a small baby rock. You can shoot it with a rocket. Rockets are really strong it can kill over a thousand people.”)
Organization
The essay’s organization is minimal as well. The writer provides an opening that minimally reveals the purpose of the prompt task. The essay lacks effective transitional devices and paragraphing; furthermore, it demonstrates little evidence of a strong ending.
The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ As Renata was on the asteriod in her ship that was heading to Earth she had to find away to keep it from smashing into Earth. She can cover the asteriod with tinfiol. ”)
There is little evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ There are lots of ways to get rid of that asteriod here's one you can shoot it. ”)
The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ Everything can be solved but a asteriod is diferent. but it's ok. We live in a harsh world anyway. Those are my ideas to get rid of the asteriod. Know you can think of some. ”)
Language Use & Style
The use of language, voice, and style is minimal. The writer demonstrates simple language and word choice with little awareness of audience. The essay also displays basic errors in sentence structure, spelling, and usage.
The essay contains run-on sentences. (“ As Renata was on the asteriod in her ship that was heading to Earth she had to find away to keep it from smashing into Earth. She can cover the asteriod with tinfiol. She could almost do everything to keep the earth safe. You know how parents say never put tinfiol in the microwaves. What if Renata did that but not in a microwave how about an asteriod so it will blow up.”)
The writer uses repetitive words and phrases in the essay. (“ There are lots of ways to get rid of that asteriod here's one you can shoot it. You can keep shooting it till it turns into a small baby rock. You can shoot it with a rocket.”)
The writer includes simple sentence structures and some informal word choices. (“ Everything can be solved but a asteriod is diferent. but it's ok. ”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is minimal. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.
The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized essay. (“Rockets are really strong it can kill over a thousand people. Something haves to be able to get rid of it.”)
The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.
Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
If captain Renata new how to stop it she would already be on earth. Also she knew how much time as left she would not have gone into space she would be at home right now watching TV chilling wit her fam clan like :D. So what im trying to say is she would be at home with her family just let her go home you know what im trying to say. would you no want to be with your family after being in space for a long time exactly, you would now wouldnt you?
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
There is inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. The writer demonstrates little understanding of the text or the purpose of the task and makes little or no connection between text and task through a controlling or central idea. The writer lacks awareness of audience as well. The essay does not satisfy any parts of the task.
The essay states a controlling or central idea , but the writer does not maintain the focus adequately through examples and descriptive details from the text. (“ If captain Renata new how to stop it she would already be on earth.”)
The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details from the text to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“ Also she knew how much time as left she would not have gone into space she would be at home right now watching TV chilling wit her fam clan like :D.”)
The essay’s lack of focus on details from the text renders the writer’s message ineffective and incomplete. (“would you no want to be with your family after being in space for a long time exactly, you would now wouldnt you?”)
Content & Development
There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer shows inadequate or no development of ideas, providing virtually no details from the text. He/she uses little or no paraphrasing and direct quotes to include credible information from the text.
Little or no evidence is used to explain the controlling or central idea of the essay. (“Also she knew how much time as left she would not have gone into space she would be at home right now watching TV chilling wit her fam clan like :D.”)
In the one-paragraph response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs. At least three main ideas should be included as evidence. (“If captain Renata new how to stop it she would already be on earth. Also she knew how much time as left she would not have gone into space she would be at home right now watching TV chilling wit her fam clan like :D. So what im trying to say is she would be at home with her family just let her go home you know what im trying to say. would you no want to be with your family after being in space for a long time exactly, you would now wouldnt you?”)
Details from the text are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Details could include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations to bring the writer’s ideas to life. (“So what im trying to say is she would be at home with her family just let her go home you know what im trying to say. would you no want to be with your family after being in space for a long time exactly, you would now wouldnt you?”)
Organization
The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate as well. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure, introduction, or conclusion. There is also no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.
The essay does not grab the readers’ attention with an introduction. (“ If captain Renata new how to stop it she would already be on earth.”)
T ransitional words are attempted but do not help connect ideas. (“ Also she knew how much time as left she would not have gone into space she would be at home right now watching TV chilling wit her fam clan like :D. So what im trying to say is she would be at home with her family just let her go home you know what im trying to say.”)
The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ would you no want to be with your family after being in space for a long time exactly, you would now wouldnt you?”)
Language Use & Style
Language use and style are inadequate. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.
The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ Also she knew how much time as left she would not have gone into space she would be at home right now watching TV chilling wit her fam clan like :D.”)
The writer relies on simple word choices and repetitive phrases. (“So what im trying to say is she would be at home with her family just let her go home you know what im trying to say.”)
The essay contains run-on sentences. (“ would you no want to be with your family after being in space for a long time exactly, you would now wouldnt you?”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is inadequate. There are noticeable e rrors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.
The writer needs to be sure that the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas. The essay is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“If captain Renata new how to stop it she would already be on earth. Also she knew how much time as left she would not have gone into space she would be at home right now watching TV chilling wit her fam clan like :D. So what im trying to say is she would be at home with her family just let her go home you know what im trying to say. would you no want to be with your family after being in space for a long time exactly, you would now wouldnt you?”)
The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.
Benefits of Daily Exercising for Young Children
Recent studies indicate that children today are not as physically fit as children were 30 years ago. Research the benefits of daily exercising for young children. Write a multi-paragraph essay discussing the benefits of daily exercise. Be sure to include details from your research to support your discussion.
Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
Daily exercise is very important. Also there are examples and helpful tips to stay fit. Exercise could also help you be strong and healthy in more ways than one.
The article states that there are many ways you can stay fit. One example is you can go canoeing and then if you get bored, you could also go fishing or swimming. Another example to stay fit are sports. You could play soccer, baseball and basketball. They don't even have to be a competition- it could just for fun. Also you can go to karate and dance classes to feel good and move your body instead of sitting on the couch and watching or playing video games. Not to mention, you can help out in the garden like mowing the lawn or planting flowers, or even food.
According to Joan O'Keefe, exercising is important for many reasons. One reason is the life time benefits. Many researchers discovered that many kids have not been exercising and instead they watch television and play video games etc. Another example is sleeping better because kids stay up late watching television and don't sleep that good for school. These things can change with daily exercise.
Furthermore, exercise benefits school performance, helps kids get good grades and other kids a better chance to not be left behind. Not to mention learning improves when kids exercise correctly because some kids that don't exercise when they get older won't be fit because they don't start exercising now.
In addition, people could get lower blood pressure by exercising or eating the right food. Another example is people that don't exercise have a better chance to get cancer or disease. Not to mention if you develop healthy habits now you would learn to love physical activity for the rest of your life.
Another thing is physical activity researchers have discovered that physical activity can boost your mood. Remember, when you get grumpy or frustrated, exercising could make you feel good or energized.
These are some healthy tips about why you should exercise. One reason is that it is fun because you can go outside and find something inspiring or exerting instead of being in the house. Adults could also help young kids; for example, your parents should show you what is good for you. In addition a health benefit lasts for life because building a strong foundation at a young age is so kids can take care of themselves as they grow up. Now that you've read this article you should know that exercising is important. Leave the remote and explore the world.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay by demonstrating a deep understanding of the text and the purpose of the task. He/she makes insightful connections between text and task through a clearly defined controlling idea or thesis statement. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience and effectively completes all parts of the task, leaving the readers with a clear picture of the many benefits that exercise can provide for a person’s physical and mental health.
The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ Daily exercise is very important. ”)
The writer focuses the readers’ attention in the beginning by clearly defining the topic of the essay. (“ Daily exercise is very important. Also there are examples and helpful tips to stay fit. Exercise could also help you be strong and healthy in more ways than one. ”)
The writer connects details from the text to the central/controlling idea very effectively. (“ According to Joan O'Keefe, exercising is important for many reasons. One reason is the life time benefits. Many researchers discovered that many kids have not been exercising and instead they watch television and play video games etc. Another example is sleeping better because kids stay up late watching television and don't sleep that good for school. These things can change with daily exercise. ”)
Content & Development
There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and clearly by providing specific and relevant details from the text, using credible information and paraphrasing.
Details from the text explain and illustrate main ideas very effectively. (“ The article states that there are many ways you can stay fit. One example is you can go canoeing and then if you get bored, you could also go fishing or swimming. Another example to stay fit are sports. You could play soccer, baseball and basketball. They don't even have to be a competition- it could just for fun. Also you can go to karate and dance classes to feel good and move your body instead of sitting on the couch and watching or playing video games. Not to mention, you can help out in the garden like mowing the lawn or planting flowers, or even food. ”)
Relevant points explain and illustrate benefits in school. (“ Furthermore, exercise benefits school performance, helps kids get good grades and other kids a better chance to not be left behind. Not to mention learning improves when kids exercise correctly because some kids that don't exercise when they get older won't be fit because they don't start exercising now. ”)
Specific information about a person’s physical health is developed very effectively. (“ In addition, people could get lower blood pressure by exercising or eating the right food. Another example is people that don't exercise have a better chance to get cancer or disease. Not to mention if you develop healthy habits now you would learn to love physical activity for the rest of your life. ”)
Organization
The organization is very effective. The writer demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. There is effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout.
The writer needs to capture the readers’ attention in the introduction by incorporating an interesting fact or quote in addition to stating the thesis. (“ Daily exercise is very important. Also there are examples and helpful tips to stay fit. Exercise could also help you be strong and healthy in more ways than one. ”)
Transitions are used effectively to connect ideas between paragraphs. (“ Furthermore, exercise benefits school performance, helps kids get good grades and other kids a better chance to not be left behind. Not to mention learning improves when kids exercise correctly because some kids that don't exercise when they get older won't be fit because they don't start exercising now. ”)
The writer includes an ending that provides the readers with a sense of closure. (“ These are some healthy tips about why you should exercise. One reason is that it is fun because you can go outside and find something inspiring or exerting instead of being in the house. Adults could also help young kids; for example, your parents should show you what is good for you. In addition a health benefit lasts for life because building a strong foundation at a young age is so kids can take care of themselves as they grow up. Now that you've read this article you should know that exercising is important. Leave the remote and explore the world. ”)
Language Use & Style
The use of language, voice, and style is very effective. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choices, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the effectiveness of the writer’s response.
The writer chooses descriptive words to effectively illustrate the changes that exercise can make in a person’s mood. (“ Another thing is physical activity researchers have discovered that physical activity can boost your mood. Remember, when you get grumpy or frustrated, exercising could make you feel good or energized. ”)
The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“ According to Joan O'Keefe, exercising is important for many reasons. One reason is the life time benefits. Many researchers discovered that many kids have not been exercising and instead they watch television and play video games etc. Another example is sleeping better because kids stay up late watching television and don't sleep that good for school. These things can change with daily exercise. ”)
The writer demonstrates use of strong voice throughout the response. (“ In addition, people could get lower blood pressure by exercising or eating the right food. Another example is people that don't exercise have a better chance to get cancer or disease. Not to mention if you develop healthy habits now you would learn to love physical activity for the rest of your life. ”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ Adults could also help young kids; for example, your parents should show you what is good for you. ”)
Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
The video, "Good Things First," tells how it is important to exercise every day and work out to stay healthy. Exercising is important to some people but not enough. Some parents have to be role models for their children so their children will see that they have to exercise and work out to stay healthy. Even if you don't like to play sports, there are lots of stuff that don't require teams and competition such as mowing the lawn or Frisbee. Some people feel that they just don't even have the energy to even start exercising. Other people just don't feel good.
The reason it is important to exercise is because it helps avoid serious health problems, and lightens your mood. It also makes you more alert. Some times you can come home from school kind of grumpy or glum. If so, try playing or running outside to lift your mood. Running outside or playing after school can also help focusing more and staying awake. It helps with school performance and improves learning in school. Lets hope you can stay awake after reading this essay!
Some examples of exercising are walking, running, dancing, swimming, and gymnastics. These are all good ways to exercise. They are good ways to exercise because you can lose weight. Not only is exercise fun, but it has a variety of lifetime benefits. Parents usually tell their kids to turn of the TV or computer and to go play outside. A bike is also another good way of exercising. You can ride with your parents or by yourself. Everyone has to remember to stay fit!
Exercising can help you by giving you the energy you need. All you have to do is find a sport or something to do that your body enjoys doing. There are many kinds of sports and things to choose from such as hiking or karate, or fishing and rock climbing. Lots of guys like skate boarding, and they have many skate parks around here. Just remember to be creative!
As you can see, exercising is a great way to stay fit and everyone has to do it! If you learn to love physical activity, you can feel great for the rest of your life!
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the essay. The writer demonstrates a complete understanding of the text and the purpose of the task. He/she makes clear connections between text and task through the controlling or central idea. The writer succeeds in satisfying most parts of the prompt task.
The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“ The video, ‘Good Things First,’ tells how it is important to exercise every day and work out to stay healthy. ”)
The essay focuses the readers’ attention in the introduction by discussing how different activities can be considered exercise and how there is something for everyone to try. (“ Exercising is important to some people but not enough. Some parents have to be role models for their children so their children will see that they have to exercise and work out to stay healthy. Even if you don't like to play sports, there are lots of stuff that don't require teams and competition such as mowing the lawn or Frisbee. ”)
Information from the text is used effectively to keep the focus of the thesis statement. (“ The reason it is important to exercise is because it helps avoid serious health problems, and lightens your mood. It also makes you more alert. ”)
Content & Development
There is good content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and develops ideas fully, providing specific and relevant details from the text. He/she includes credible information from the text by paraphrasing the source material. The writer effectively completes all parts of the task and leaves the readers with a clear picture of different types of exercise and how exercising can benefit a person’s health.
The content in the body paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain the main idea. (“ The reason it is important to exercise is because it helps avoid serious health problems, and lightens your mood. It also makes you more alert. Some times you can come home from school kind of grumpy or glum. If so, try playing or running outside to lift your mood. Running outside or playing after school can also help focusing more and staying awake. It helps with school performance and improves learning in school. Lets hope you can stay awake after reading this essay! ”)
The details, including relevant information from the text, are connected to the main idea in the topic sentence. (“ Some examples of exercising are walking, running, dancing, swimming, and gymnastics. These are all good ways to exercise. They are good ways to exercise because you can lose weight. Not only is exercise fun, but it has a variety of lifetime benefits. Parents usually tell their kids to turn of the TV or computer and to go play outside. A bike is also another good way of exercising. You can ride with your parents or by yourself. Everyone has to remember to stay fit! ”)
Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“ Exercising can help you by giving you the energy you need. All you have to do is find a sport or something to do that your body enjoys doing. There are many kinds of sports and things to choose from such as hiking or karate, or fishing and rock climbing. Lots of guys like skate boarding, and they have many skate parks around here. Just remember to be creative! ”)
Organization
There is good organization of ideas and events throughout the essay. The writer demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. Additionally, consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices is reflected.
The essay demonstrates a n effective introduction. (“ The video, ‘Good Things First,’ tells how it is important to exercise every day and work out to stay healthy. Exercising is important to some people but not enough. Some parents have to be role models for their children so their children will see that they have to exercise and work out to stay healthy. Even if you don't like to play sports, there are lots of stuff that don't require teams and competition such as mowing the lawn or Frisbee. Some people feel that they just don't even have the energy to even start exercising. Other people just don't feel good. ”)
Transitions between sentences are used well. (“ It also makes you more alert. Some times you can come home from school kind of grumpy or glum. If so, try playing or running outside to lift your mood. ”)
The essay’s conclusion provides the readers with a sense of closure. (“ As you can see, exercising is a great way to stay fit and everyone has to do it! If you learn to love physical activity, you can feel great for the rest of your life! ”)
Language Use & Style
The writer integrates good language use, voice, and style throughout the essay. A ppropriate language and word choice, good voice, and a clear sense of audience are demonstrated. The writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety .
The writer employs a variety of sentence structures to make the response more interesting. (“ Some examples of exercising are walking, running, dancing, swimming, and gymnastics. These are all good ways to exercise. They are good ways to exercise because you can lose weight. Not only is exercise fun, but it has a variety of lifetime benefits. ”)
The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“ Exercising can help you by giving you the energy you need. All you have to do is find a sport or something to do that your body enjoys doing. There are many kinds of sports and things to choose from such as hiking or karate, or fishing and rock climbing. ”)
The language and tone are consistent. (“ Running outside or playing after school can also help focusing more and staying awake. It helps with school performance and improves learning in school. Lets hope you can stay awake after reading this essay! ”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The writer exhibits good control of mechanics and conventions throughout the essay. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.
The writer should ensure all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“ Even if you don't like to play sports, there are lots of stuff that don't require teams and competition such as mowing the lawn or Frisbee. ”)
Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
Did you know that exercising can help you in many ways? If you don't its never to late to start.
Exercising is very important. According to the passage one, the science video, Good Things First: The way to wellness with Joan O Keefe Move your Body, exercising is important because it has many, many lifetime benefits. For example, exercising improves behavior. It also improves learning for example if your kind of felling bad you can go outside and go for a walk. Exercising is important because it makes you fell good and happy. It helps you boost your mood another example is going out and shooting one-hundred basketballs.
In the video, it gives some different examples of exercises. One example is canoeing. Canoeing helps you with your arms and hands. Another example is shooting basketballs. Shooting basketballs helps you boost your mood. A third example is you can go high roping. High roping helps you with climbing and your feet. The last example is going jogging to the the mountains. It helps you get better sleep.
As I read the passage, how exercising can help you. It helps get more coordinated and self-control. It can help you in school performance.
As you can see, exercising helps you.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The writer maintains adequate focus and meaning in the essay. He/she demonstrates a basic understanding of the text and the purpose of the task and implies connections between text and task through the controlling or central idea. The writer provides descriptions and details that are relevant and completes many parts of the task.
The thesis states the controlling idea of the essay and the point of view of the writer adequately. (“Did you know that exercising can help you in many ways? If you don't its never to late to start.”)
The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The essay is devoted to informing the readers about the many benefits of daily exercise. (“Exercising is very important. According to the passage one, the science video, Good Things First: The way to wellness with Joan O Keefe Move your Body, exercising is important because it has many, many lifetime benefits. For example, exercising improves behavior. It also improves learning for example if your kind of felling bad you can go outside and go for a walk.”)
The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“In the video, it gives some different examples of exercises. One example is canoeing. Canoeing helps you with your arms and hands. Another example is shooting basketballs. Shooting basketballs helps you boost your mood.”)
Content & Development
The development of ideas and content is adequate. The writer develops ideas adequately, providing specific and relevant details from the text. He/she includes credible information from the text by paraphrasing. Most sources used for facts are referenced.
The explanations and details used to illustrate the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate, although providing more specific details would enhance the writer’s descriptions of how exercise improves behavior and learning. (“Exercising is very important. According to the passage one, the science video, Good Things First: The way to wellness with Joan O Keefe Move your Body, exercising is important because it has many, many lifetime benefits. For example, exercising improves behavior. It also improves learning for example if your kind of felling bad you can go outside and go for a walk. Exercising is important because it makes you fell good and happy.”)
The essay contains adequate details from the text to illustrate the main ideas. (“In the video, it gives some different examples of exercises. One example is canoeing. Canoeing helps you with your arms and hands. Another example is shooting basketballs. Shooting basketballs helps you boost your mood.”)
The writer provides relevant anecdotal examples from the text. (“A third example is you can go high roping. High roping helps you with climbing and your feet. The last example is going jogging to the the mountains. It helps you get better sleep.”)
Organization
There is adequate organization in the essay. The writer provides an interesting opening to the response that keeps the readers reading. The essay generally flows smoothly from one idea to another with subtle transitions to support sequential development.
The beginning of the essay needs to grab the readers’ attention by providing an interesting statement or background information about the topic. (“ Did you know that exercising can help you in many ways? If you don't its never to late to start. ”)
Subtle transitions like “according to” and “for example” are used to connect ideas in a meaningful way. (“ According to the passage one, the science video, Good Things First: The way to wellness with Joan O Keefe Move your Body, exercising is important because it has many, many lifetime benefits. For example, exercising improves behavior.”)
The conclusion leaves the readers with a sense of closure, but it should also summarize the main points of the response. (“ As you can see, exercising helps you. ”)
Language Use & Style
The use of language, voice, and style is adequate. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, an awareness of audience, and control of voice. There is generally correct sentence structure with some variety .
Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ Exercising is very important. According to the passage one, the science video, Good Things First: The way to wellness with Joan O Keefe Move your Body, exercising is important because it has many, many lifetime benefits. For example, exercising improves behavior.”)
The writer’s voice is consistent throughout the response. He/she provides language that adequately describes the benefits of different kinds of exercise. (“ In the video, it gives some different examples of exercises. One example is canoeing. Canoeing helps you with your arms and hands. Another example is shooting basketballs. Shooting basketballs helps you boost your mood. A third example is you can go high roping. High roping helps you with climbing and your feet. The last example is going jogging to the the mountains. It helps you get better sleep.”)
The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the essay. (“
As I read the passage, how exercising can help you. It helps get more coordinated and self-control. It can help you in school performance.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The writer exhibits adequate control of mechanics and conventions through most of the essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.
The writer should ensure that sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have subject-verb agreement, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, word selections are spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs are indicated with line breaks. (“ For example, exercising improves behavior. It also improves learning for example if your kind of felling bad you can go outside and go for a walk. Exercising is important because it makes you fell good and happy.”)
Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
Good For Your Body, these are the things I want you to know is to keep your body in good shape.
First, I want you to know is to go running, because you can get in shape and you can run outside to get out of the house and think more for school to get smart. Like run a mile but go wit a grown-up for your mom to see that you're running to get out of the house and you can run with your dog. You can also run with friends to have them get out of the house to not play video games, eat junk food, or watch TV all day. Just go running and have fun to getting out of the house and finding your friends to run with you and bring a dog to run with you or your friends and it helps your body to get healthy in your bones so they won't brake and not get sick.
Second, go exercising in a park. You can do jump rope or exercise and you can do it with your family or with friends. But when you exercise you are in good shape because you get all of that junk food out of you and be free from all of that junk food and TV and video games. And get out of the house and not think of all of that junk food, video games, and TV. Here is an other way to exercise do cartwheels and handstands and drink lots of water and wear exercise.
Filially, play. Some times you could go outside and play with your dog and friends or family. I like playing with my family because they are taking my family on a trip. I know what is the trip is it is Knotts Berry Farm. And that's how to get out of the house for my family. Some times my family and I take pictures together.
That's my story to get out of the house and exercise.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The focus and meaning are limited in the essay. The writer demonstrates a vague or incomplete understanding of the text and the purpose of the task. He/she implies a few connections between text and task through the controlling or central idea. The essay provides details that may not give the readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Only some of the prompt tasks are completed.
The essay states the controlling idea in a very limited way. The writer should improve the focus of the controlling idea/thesis statement by referencing the text information more effectively. (“ Good For Your Body, these are the things I want you to know is to keep your body in good shape.”)
The writer’s focus is limited. The writer focuses mainly on getting out of the house, while the descriptions of the benefits of exercise are limited at best. (“ First, I want you to know is to go running, because you can get in shape and you can run outside to get out of the house and think more for school to get smart.”)
The writer provides limited examples in the essay and should include more meaningful connections from the text to illustrate how exercise benefits young children. (“ But when you exercise you are in good shape because you get all of that junk food out of you and be free from all of that junk food and TV and video games. And get out of the house and not think of all of that junk food, video games, and TV. ”)
Content & Development
The essay contains limited content and development. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, providing some specific and relevant details from the text. He/she uses limited methods to include credible information from the text; e.g., paraphrasing and direct quotes. Some sources used for facts are cited.
The essay contains limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“ First, I want you to know is to go running, because you can get in shape and you can run outside to get out of the house and think more for school to get smart. Like run a mile but go wit a grown-up for your mom to see that you're running to get out of the house and you can run with your dog. You can also run with friends to have them get out of the house to not play video games, eat junk food, or watch TV all day. Just go running and have fun to getting out of the house and finding your friends to run with you and bring a dog to run with you or your friends and it helps your body to get healthy in your bones so they won't brake and not get sick. ”)
The explanations and details used to illustrate the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. References to the text should connect points clearly to support the writer’s ideas. (“ Second, go exercising in a park. You can do jump rope or exercise and you can do it with your family or with friends. But when you exercise you are in good shape because you get all of that junk food out of you and be free from all of that junk food and TV and video games. And get out of the house and not think of all of that junk food, video games, and TV. Here is an other way to exercise do cartwheels and handstands and drink lots of water and wear exercise. ”)
The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. (“ Filially, play. Some times you could go outside and play with your dog and friends or family. I like playing with my family because they are taking my family on a trip. I know what is the trip is it is Knotts Berry Farm. And that's how to get out of the house for my family. Some times my family and I take pictures together. ”)
Organization
There is limited organization of main ideas and supporting details in the essay. The writer demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. There is limited use of paragraphing, and the essay lacks some transitional devices.
The essay demonstrates a limited introduction. (“ Good For Your Body, these are the things I want you to know is to keep your body in good shape.”)
Transitions between paragraphs enhance the flow of the writer’s ideas. (“ First, I want you to know is to go running, because you can get in shape and you can run outside to get out of the house and think more for school to get smart. … Second, go exercising in a park. You can do jump rope or exercise and you can do it with your family or with friends. … Filially, play. ”)
The writer does not provide a strong conclusion in the essay. A strong conclusion would summarize main ideas and give the readers something to think about as the essay draws to a close. (“ That's my story to get out of the house and exercise. ”)
Language Use & Style
The writer demonstrates a limited use of language, voice, and style. The essay reveals simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.
The writer uses repetitive words and phrases in the essay. (“ Like run a mile but go wit a grown-up for your mom to see that you're running to get out of the house and you can run with your dog. You can also run with friends to have them get out of the house to not play video games, eat junk food, or watch TV all day. Just go running and have fun to getting out of the house and finding your friends to run with you and bring a dog to run with you or your friends and it helps your body to get healthy in your bones so they won't brake and not get sick.”)
There are fragments and run-on sentences in the essay. (“ But when you exercise you are in good shape because you get all of that junk food out of you and be free from all of that junk food and TV and video games. And get out of the house and not think of all of that junk food, video games, and TV. Here is an other way to exercise do cartwheels and handstands and drink lots of water and wear exercise. ”)
The sentences are too informal, and the word choices are very basic. This combination does not effectively communicate the writer’s ideas to the intended audience. (“ I like playing with my family because they are taking my family on a trip. I know what is the trip is it is Knotts Berry Farm. And that's how to get out of the house for my family. Some times my family and I take pictures together. ”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The control of mechanics and conventions is limited in the essay. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.
The writer should make sure each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with line breaks, and that words are used and spelled correctly within the context of sentences. (“ Good For Your Body, these are the things I want you to know is to keep your body in good shape. ”)
The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.
Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.
Model Essay
exercise Reason kid should exercise and eat healthy.
Kids can exercise in many ways like running out side, play in the park, play sports, ride a bike or a skate board, dance. Next, they can eat healthy food like carrots, brallklie, they can even eat fruit but if they want to stay healthy do not eat hamburger, fries, cake, sandwich but if the sandwich have vegiblos that me it is helthy. kids should exexrsize eat healthy food eat fruit even stay in good shape stay healthy a way to be healthy go camping, play or join a sport, run round, mostly have fun.
being healthy exercise and eat health food is good like me i don't eat health food or fruit that means that i have a lot of wight.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. He/she demonstrates an unclear understanding of the text and the purpose of the task and makes illogical and/or unnecessary connections between text and task through the controlling or central idea. Additionally, the writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. As a result, the writer completes few parts of the task.
The essay only minimally states a central/controlling idea. (“ exercise Reason kid should exercise and eat healthy.”)
The controlling/central idea needs to be defined more effectively so the readers understand that the purpose of the essay is to discuss how exercise is beneficial. (“Kids can exercise in many ways like running out side, play in the park, play sports, ride a bike or a skate board, dance.”)
The writer does not maintain the focus on the controlling/central idea sufficiently; more text references are needed to give the readers a true sense of the beneficial effects of daily exercise. (“kids should exexrsize eat healthy food eat fruit even stay in good shape stay healthy a way to be healthy go camping, play or join a sport, run round, mostly have fun.”)
Content & Development
There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and minimally, providing few details from the text, some of which are not specific and relevant. He/she uses minimal methods to include credible information from the text; e.g., paraphrasing and direct quotes .
There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s thesis statement. Details that talk about healthy foods do not support ideas about exercise. (“Next, they can eat healthy food like carrots, brallklie, they can even eat fruit but if they want to stay healthy do not eat hamburger, fries, cake, sandwich but if the sandwich have vegiblos that me it is helthy.”)
In the brief essay, the writer does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“ Kids can exercise in many ways like running out side, play in the park, play sports, ride a bike or a skate board, dance. Next, they can eat healthy food like carrots, brallklie, they can even eat fruit but if they want to stay healthy do not eat hamburger, fries, cake, sandwich but if the sandwich have vegiblos that me it is helthy. kids should exexrsize eat healthy food eat fruit even stay in good shape stay healthy a way to be healthy go camping, play or join a sport, run round, mostly have fun.”)
Details are needed to sufficiently explain and illustrate each main idea. Details should include examples, facts, brief narratives, or quotes from the text that give the readers a clear picture of the specific health benefits that come from daily exercise. (“kids should exexrsize eat healthy food eat fruit even stay in good shape stay healthy a way to be healthy go camping, play or join a sport, run round, mostly have fun.”)
Organization
The essay’s organization is minimal as well. The writer provides an opening that minimally reveals the purpose of the prompt task. The response lacks effective transitional devices and paragraphing; furthermore, the essay demonstrates little evidence of a strong ending.
The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ exercise Reason kid should exercise and eat healthy. ”)
There is little evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. The writer uses one transition word in the essay (“next”). (“ Next, they can eat healthy food like carrots, brallklie, they can even eat fruit but if they want to stay healthy do not eat hamburger, fries, cake, sandwich but if the sandwich have vegiblos that me it is helthy. kids should exexrsize eat healthy food eat fruit even stay in good shape stay healthy a way to be healthy go camping, play or join a sport, run round, mostly have fun. ”)
The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ being healthy exercise and eat health food is good like me i don't eat health food or fruit that means that i have a lot of wight. ”)
Language Use & Style
The use of language, voice, and style is minimal. The writer demonstrates simple language and word choice with little awareness of audience. The essay also displays basic errors in sentence structure, spelling, and usage.
The awkward structure of many sentences impedes effective communication of ideas. (“ Next, they can eat healthy food like carrots, brallklie, they can even eat fruit but if they want to stay healthy do not eat hamburger, fries, cake, sandwich but if the sandwich have vegiblos that me it is helthy.”)
There is repetition in the essay. (“ kids should exexrsize eat healthy food eat fruit even stay in good shape stay healthy a way to be healthy go camping, play or join a sport, run round, mostly have fun.”)
The writer uses run-on sentences throughout the essay. (“ being healthy exercise and eat health food is good like me i don't eat health food or fruit that means that i have a lot of wight. ”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is minimal. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.
The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized essay. (“exercise Reason kid should exercise and eat healthy.”)
The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.
Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
Going to climb the makes you get stonger. You get to lift heavy stuff. You get to help people lift stuff that it heavy. You get to go to the gym to work out You get to lift heavy weights. You get to go lots of cool things being strong. You get to do lots of training.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
There is inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. The writer demonstrates little understanding of the text or the purpose of the task and makes little or no connection between text and task through a controlling or central idea. The writer lacks awareness of audience as well. The essay response does not satisfy any parts of the task.
The essay does not have a clearly defined controlling or central idea/ thesis statement. (“Going to climb the makes you get stonger.”)
The essay’s controlling/central idea relates to types of exercise but illustrates little understanding of the purpose of the task; the essay does not connect the activities you can do with the benefits of daily exercise. (“You get to lift heavy stuff. You get to help people lift stuff that it heavy.”)
In order to make the essay’s message more effective and complete, the writer needs to choose details from the text that would improve the focus, such as how exercise benefits physical, mental, and emotional health. (“You get to go lots of cool things being strong.”)
Content & Development
There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer shows inadequate or no development of ideas, providing virtually no details from the text. He/she uses little or no paraphrasing and direct quotes to include credible information from the text.
Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“You get to lift heavy stuff.”)
In the one-paragraph response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs. At least three main ideas should be included as evidence. (“Going to climb the makes you get stonger. You get to lift heavy stuff. You get to help people lift stuff that it heavy. You get to go to the gym to work out You get to lift heavy weights. You get to go lots of cool things being strong. You get to do lots of training.”)
Details from the text are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Details could include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations to bring the writer’s ideas to life. (“You get to go lots of cool things being strong.”)
Organization
The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate as well. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure, introduction, or conclusion. There is also no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.
The essay does not include an introduction. (“ Going to climb the makes you get stonger.”)
T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ You get to lift heavy stuff. You get to help people lift stuff that it heavy.”)
The essay does not include a conclusion. (“ You get to do lots of training.”)
Language Use & Style
Language use and style are inadequate. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.
Sentence lengths are short. (“ You get to lift heavy stuff.”)
The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ You get to go lots of cool things being strong.”)
The writer relies on repetitive sentence structures and word choices, beginning each sentence with the words “you get to…” (“You get to lift heavy stuff. You get to help people lift stuff that it heavy. You get to go to the gym to work out You get to lift heavy weights. You get to go lots of cool things being strong. You get to do lots of training.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is inadequate. There are noticeable e rrors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.
The writer needs to be sure that the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas. The essay is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“Going to climb the makes you get stonger. You get to lift heavy stuff. You get to help people lift stuff that it heavy. You get to go to the gym to work out You get to lift heavy weights. You get to go lots of cool things being strong. You get to do lots of training.”)
The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.
Watch the video "Harvesting Plants: Ripe" and read the selection “Grandpa's Garden” to learn about gardening and harvesting fruits and vegetables.
After reading the selection and viewing the video, write a multi-paragraph essay explaining what you've learned about choosing and preparing fresh fruits and vegetables. Be sure to use details from the video and the selection to support your explanation.
Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
Ripe Fruits and Vegetables
There are many ways to ripen fruits and vegetables, and to know when fruits and vegetables are ripe. Many questions that people have are, "How do I know when to harvest my fruits and vegetables?" and, "How do I know when they are ripe?" Both of these questions would be answered with one extra helping hand on how to keep your fruits and vegetables fresh and staying ripe for a longer time. Some of the examples of the fruits that are mentioned in this essay is a strawberry, a tomato, a peach, a cantaloupe, and a watermelon. Some examples of vegetables that are mentioned in this writing are sugar snap peas, green beans, broccoli, tomatoes, lettuce, corn, and gourds. If you were wondering why tomatoes are mentioned in the fruits' category and the vegetables' category, it is because some people say that tomatoes are fruits while others are saying that tomatoes are vegetables.
First of all the sound of the fruits and vegetables is one way to know if they are ripe. You should hear the crispy sound when you break the lettuce. The cantaloupe's seeds should move around when you shake it and you should hear the watermelon's thump when you knock on it. When you tear a piece of broccoli you should hear the crisp crack and if you snap the green beans in the middle and you hear a little snap, it's ready. When you hear these sounds, these fruits and vegetables are ripe and is ready to be harvested.
Second of all you don't only have to listen for the sounds, you could look and feel different fruits and vegetables too! Peaches should be looking a little pink, but it should not be squishy. If it is squishy, that means that it's over ripe. When strawberries are completely ripe, they would have a completely red color to it. If you put your finger nail inside the corn kernel, there should be juice coming out of it. If it is too hard for your finger nail to go inside of the kernel, it is too young and needs to grow more. For the broccoli, you have to see if there are flowers on the little "trees" of the broccoli. If there are flowers, it means that you've waited too long to pick it and you should have picked it long ago because it is old. Tomatoes have to feel firm, but not squishy. Also, if tomatoes are green, it means that you should wait a little longer to get ripe. Tomatoes also come in different shapes and sizes, but sometimes the different types of tomatoes have different uses. For example, the red tomatoes are used for salsa or ketchup.
Finally, you'll need some extra help to keep your fruits and vegetables fresh or to ripen more. If you want your fruits or vegetables fresh, you might want to put them in a Mason jar. Mason jars are supposed to keep products fresh. You'd want to slice the fruits or vegetables and place them in the jars. Then, you want to add salt for preservatives, or to keep it fresh longer. You could also put a whole fruit or vegetable in brown paper bags so that no insects could eat it up and so it could stay ripe. There is also a vegetable that you could plant, but you don't want to eat them. Instead, you could use them for different uses. One use that you could use it for is for a bird house. You could cut it and paint it. Then you could put it in your backyard for birds to live in.
Clearly, these are the many ways to keep fruits and vegetables ripe and to tell if they are ripe. Were your questions answered in this essay? If you forgot about what this was about, here are some of the main points for you. This essay was about how to keep your fruits and vegetables ripe and how to keep then ripe. The three main points were the fruits' and vegetables' sound, looks, feelings, and some extra explanations about it.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay by demonstrating a deep understanding of the text and the purpose of the task. He/she makes insightful connections between the text and task through a clearly defined thesis statement/controlling idea. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience. He/she effectively completes all parts of the task, leaving the readers with a clear picture of how to choose and prepare fresh fruits and vegetables.
The writer engages the readers in the introduction effectively illustrating the different ways that he/she is able to choose fresh fruits and vegetables. (“ There are many ways to ripen fruits and vegetables, and to know when fruits and vegetables are ripe. Many questions that people have are, ‘How do I know when to harvest my fruits and vegetables?’ and, ‘How do I know when they are ripe?’ Both of these questions would be answered with one extra helping hand on how to keep your fruits and vegetables fresh and staying ripe for a longer time. Some of the examples of the fruits that are mentioned in this essay is a strawberry, a tomato, a peach, a cantaloupe, and a watermelon. Some examples of vegetables that are mentioned in this writing are sugar snap peas, green beans, broccoli, tomatoes, lettuce, corn, and gourds. If you were wondering why tomatoes are mentioned in the fruits' category and the vegetables' category, it is because some people say that tomatoes are fruits while others are saying that tomatoes are vegetables. ”)
All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. (“ First of all the sound of the fruits and vegetables is one way to know if they are ripe. You should hear the crispy sound when you break the lettuce. The cantaloupe's seeds should move around when you shake it and you should hear the watermelon's thump when you knock on it. When you tear a piece of broccoli you should hear the crisp crack and if you snap the green beans in the middle and you hear a little snap, it's ready. When you hear these sounds, these fruits and vegetables are ripe and is ready to be harvested.”)
The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ Tomatoes have to feel firm, but not squishy. Also, if tomatoes are green, it means that you should wait a little longer to get ripe. Tomatoes also come in different shapes and sizes, but sometimes the different types of tomatoes have different uses. For example, the red tomatoes are used for salsa or ketchup. ”)
Content & Development
There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and clearly by providing specific and relevant details from the text, using a variety of methods to include credible information from the text (e.g., paraphrasing and direct quotes). Sources used for quotes and facts are cited correctly.
Relevant points explain and illustrate how to pick fresh fruits and vegetables very effectively. (“ Second of all you don't only have to listen for the sounds, you could look and feel different fruits and vegetables too! Peaches should be looking a little pink, but it should not be squishy. If it is squishy, that means that it's over ripe. When strawberries are completely ripe, they would have a completely red color to it. If you put your finger nail inside the corn kernel, there should be juice coming out of it. If it is too hard for your finger nail to go inside of the kernel, it is too young and needs to grow more. For the broccoli, you have to see if there are flowers on the little ‘trees’ of the broccoli. If there are flowers, it means that you've waited too long to pick it and you should have picked it long ago because it is old. ”)
Details from the text and video explain and illustrate the writer's main ideas very effectively. (“ First of all the sound of the fruits and vegetables is one way to know if they are ripe. You should hear the crispy sound when you break the lettuce. The cantaloupe's seeds should move around when you shake it and you should hear the watermelon's thump when you knock on it. When you tear a piece of broccoli you should hear the crisp crack and if you snap the green beans in the middle and you hear a little snap, it's ready. When you hear these sounds, these fruits and vegetables are ripe and is ready to be harvested. ”)
Specific information about preserving fruits and vegetables is developed very effectively. (“ Finally, you'll need some extra help to keep your fruits and vegetables fresh or to ripen more. If you want your fruits or vegetables fresh, you might want to put them in a Mason jar. Mason jars are supposed to keep products fresh. You'd want to slice the fruits or vegetables and place them in the jars. Then, you want to add salt for preservatives, or to keep it fresh longer. You could also put a whole fruit or vegetable in brown paper bags so that no insects could eat it up and so it could stay ripe. ”)
Organization
The organization is very effective. The essay demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. There is effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout.
The writer effectively captures the readers’ attention in the introduction by incorporating questions that people may have about picking fresh fruits and vegetables. (“ There are many ways to ripen fruits and vegetables, and to know when fruits and vegetables are ripe. Many questions that people have are, ‘How do I know when to harvest my fruits and vegetables?’ and, ‘How do I know when they are ripe?’ Both of these questions would be answered with one extra helping hand on how to keep your fruits and vegetables fresh and staying ripe for a longer time. Some of the examples of the fruits that are mentioned in this essay is a strawberry, a tomato, a peach, a cantaloupe, and a watermelon. Some examples of vegetables that are mentioned in this writing are sugar snap peas, green beans, broccoli, tomatoes, lettuce, corn, and gourds. If you were wondering why tomatoes are mentioned in the fruits' category and the vegetables' category, it is because some people say that tomatoes are fruits while others are saying that tomatoes are vegetables. ”)
Transitions are used effectively to connect ideas between sentences and paragraphs. (“ Second of all you don't only have to listen for the sounds, you could look and feel different fruits and vegetables too! Peaches should be looking a little pink, but it should not be squishy. If it is squishy, that means that it's over ripe. When strawberries are completely ripe, they would have a completely red color to it. If you put your finger nail inside the corn kernel, there should be juice coming out of it. If it is too hard for your finger nail to go inside of the kernel, it is too young and needs to grow more. ”)
The writer includes an ending that provides the readers with a sense of closure. (“ Clearly, these are the many ways to keep fruits and vegetables ripe and to tell if they are ripe. Were your questions answered in this essay? If you forgot about what this was about, here are some of the main points for you. This essay was about how to keep your fruits and vegetables ripe and how to keep then ripe. The three main points were the fruits' and vegetables' sound, looks, feelings, and some extra explanations about it. ”)
Language Use & Style
The use of language, voice, and style is very effective. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the effectiveness of the writer’s response.
The writer chooses descriptive words to effectively illustrate how to pick fresh fruits and vegetables. (“ Second of all you don't only have to listen for the sounds, you could look and feel different fruits and vegetables too! Peaches should be looking a little pink, but it should not be squishy. If it is squishy, that means that it's over ripe. When strawberries are completely ripe, they would have a completely red color to it. If you put your finger nail inside the corn kernel, there should be juice coming out of it. If it is too hard for your finger nail to go inside of the kernel, it is too young and needs to grow more. ”)
The coherent style and tone ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“ First of all the sound of the fruits and vegetables is one way to know if they are ripe. You should hear the crispy sound when you break the lettuce. The cantaloupe's seeds should move around when you shake it and you should hear the watermelon's thump when you knock on it. When you tear a piece of broccoli you should hear the crisp crack and if you snap the green beans in the middle and you hear a little snap, it's ready. When you hear these sounds, these fruits and vegetables are ripe and is ready to be harvested. ”)
The writer demonstrates strong voice throughout the response. (“ Finally, you'll need some extra help to keep your fruits and vegetables fresh or to ripen more. If you want your fruits or vegetables fresh, you might want to put them in a Mason jar. Mason jars are supposed to keep products fresh. You'd want to slice the fruits or vegetables and place them in the jars. Then, you want to add salt for preservatives, or to keep it fresh longer. You could also put a whole fruit or vegetable in brown paper bags so that no insects could eat it up and so it could stay ripe. ”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and words are spelled correctly. (“ Many questions that people have are, ‘How do I know when to harvest my fruits and vegetables?’ and, ‘How do I know when they are ripe?’ Both of these questions would be answered with one extra helping hand on how to keep your fruits and vegetables fresh and staying ripe for a longer time. Some of the examples of the fruits that are mentioned in this essay is a strawberry, a tomato, a peach, a cantaloupe, and a watermelon. ”)
Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
After watching Harvesting plants: Ripe and reading the article called Grandpa's Garden I learned about harvesting fruit and vegetables. Harvesting is when you pick plants and vegetables and eat them. I learned about harvesting in the video Harvesting plants: Ripe and I also learned about harvesting in the article Grandpa's garden.
I learned from the video Harvesting plants: Ripe about how to know when plants are ready to be picked and eaten. For example broccoli should be picked when young before the flowers bloom otherwise, it is too old to be eaten, also make sure it has a crisp sound when you break off a piece. Another example is corn should be picked and eaten when you press down on the corn kernels and a little juice comes out, but if you can't penetrate the kernel it is not ripe yet and not ready to be picked. A third example is a tomato which you should pick when they are nice and firm and not squishy. Finally, the last example is a watermelon which you should pick when you hit the watermelon you hear a thumping sound.
I learned from the article Grandpa's garden about when you should pick plants and fruit. One example is that you could pick peaches and tomatoes, but put then in brown paper bags which gives the fruit and vegetables a chance to ripen and sweeten before the bugs get the fruit and vegetables and eat them, and also decide what to do with them quickly like changing the ripe ones to a sauce while the less ripe ones can be made to relish. Also you can fruit and vegetables by boiling the vegetables and fruit and putting them into Mason jars with a teaspoon of salt (as a preservative) and then closing the jars tightly, finally putting the jar on a pressure cooker to suck the excess air out, which then can be placed in a cool area for five years. Another example for some fruit and vegetables that can be canned are cucumbers, potatoes, peppers, green beans, strawberries, and peaches. Also when you pick fruit you want to make sure they look right like getting peaches that a little pink, but not too soft. Finally, you should pick fruit "in season" like honeydew melon and strawberries.
To sum up, what I learned from the video Harvesting plants: Ripe and the article Grandpa's Garden, I learned about Harvesting fruit and vegetables. I learned about broccoli, corn, tomatoes, and watermelons in Harvesting plants: Ripe. Finally, I also learned about bagging and ripening, canning vegetables ad picking fruit "in season" in the article called Grandpa's Garden.
Focus & Meaning
The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the essay. The writer demonstrates a complete understanding of the text and the purpose of the task. He/she makes clear connections between text and task through the central/controlling idea. The writer succeeds in satisfying most parts of the prompt task.
The writer captures the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ After watching Harvesting plants: Ripe and reading the article called Grandpa's Garden I learned about harvesting fruit and vegetables. Harvesting is when you pick plants and vegetables and eat them. I learned about harvesting in the video Harvesting plants: Ripe and I also learned about harvesting in the article Grandpa's garden. ”)
Specific information from the text is used to effectively keep the focus of the thesis statement. (“ I learned from the video Harvesting plants: Ripe about how to know when plants are ready to be picked and eaten. For example broccoli should be picked when young before the flowers bloom otherwise, it is too old to be eaten, also make sure it has a crisp sound when you break off a piece. ”)
The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“ One example is that you could pick peaches and tomatoes, but put then in brown paper bags which gives the fruit and vegetables a chance to ripen and sweeten before the bugs get the fruit and vegetables and eat them, and also decide what to do with them quickly like changing the ripe ones to a sauce while the less ripe ones can be made to relish. ”)
Content & Development
There is good content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose of the task and develops ideas fully, providing specific and relevant details from the text. He/she uses more than one method to include credible information from the text (e.g., paraphrasing and direct quotes). Most sources used for quotes and facts are cited correctly. The writer effectively completes all parts of the task and leaves the readers with a clear picture of how to pick fresh fruits and vegetables.
The content in the body paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain the main idea. (“I learned from the video Harvesting plants: Ripe about how to know when plants are ready to be picked and eaten. For example broccoli should be picked when young before the flowers bloom otherwise, it is too old to be eaten, also make sure it has a crisp sound when you break off a piece. Another example is corn should be picked and eaten when you press down on the corn kernels and a little juice comes out, but if you can't penetrate the kernel it is not ripe yet and not ready to be picked.”)
The details, including relevant information from the text and video, are connected to the main idea in the topic sentence. (“A third example is a tomato which you should pick when they are nice and firm and not squishy. Finally, the last example is a watermelon which you should pick when you hit the watermelon you hear a thumping sound.”)
Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“ I learned from the article Grandpa's garden about when you should pick plants and fruit. One example is that you could pick peaches and tomatoes, but put then in brown paper bags which gives the fruit and vegetables a chance to ripen and sweeten before the bugs get the fruit and vegetables and eat them, and also decide what to do with them quickly like changing the ripe ones to a sauce while the less ripe ones can be made to relish. Also you can fruit and vegetables by boiling the vegetables and fruit and putting them into Mason jars with a teaspoon of salt (as a preservative) and then closing the jars tightly, finally putting the jar on a pressure cooker to suck the excess air out, which then can be placed in a cool area for five years. ”)
Organization
There is good organization of ideas and events throughout the essay. The essay demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. Additionally, consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices is reflected.
The essay demonstrates a n effective introduction. (“ After watching Harvesting plants: Ripe and reading the article called Grandpa's Garden I learned about harvesting fruit and vegetables. Harvesting is when you pick plants and vegetables and eat them. I learned about harvesting in the video Harvesting plants: Ripe and I also learned about harvesting in the article Grandpa's garden. ”)
Transitions between paragraphs or sentences are used well. (“ For example broccoli should be picked when young before the flowers bloom otherwise, it is too old to be eaten, also make sure it has a crisp sound when you break off a piece. Another example is corn should be picked and eaten when you press down on the corn kernels and a little juice comes out, but if you can't penetrate the kernel it is not ripe yet and not ready to be picked. A third example is a tomato which you should pick when they are nice and firm and not squishy. Finally, the last example is a watermelon which you should pick when you hit the watermelon you hear a thumping sound. ”)
The essay’s conclusion provides the readers with a sense of closure. (“ To sum up, what I learned from the video Harvesting plants: Ripe and the article Grandpa's Garden, I learned about Harvesting fruit and vegetables. I learned about broccoli, corn, tomatoes, and watermelons in Harvesting plants: Ripe. Finally, I also learned about bagging and ripening, canning vegetables ad picking fruit ‘in season’ in the article called Grandpa's Garden. ”)
Language Use & Style
The writer integrates good language use, voice, and style throughout the essay. A ppropriate language and word choice, good voice, and a clear sense of audience are demonstrated. The writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety .
The language and tone are consistent. (“ I learned from the article Grandpa's garden about when you should pick plants and fruit. One example is that you could pick peaches and tomatoes, but put then in brown paper bags which gives the fruit and vegetables a chance to ripen and sweeten before the bugs get the fruit and vegetables and eat them, and also decide what to do with them quickly like changing the ripe ones to a sauce while the less ripe ones can be made to relish. Also you can fruit and vegetables by boiling the vegetables and fruit and putting them into Mason jars with a teaspoon of salt (as a preservative) and then closing the jars tightly, finally putting the jar on a pressure cooker to suck the excess air out, which then can be placed in a cool area for five years.”)
The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the essay. (“ I learned from the video Harvesting plants: Ripe about how to know when plants are ready to be picked and eaten. For example broccoli should be picked when young before the flowers bloom otherwise, it is too old to be eaten, also make sure it has a crisp sound when you break off a piece.”)
The writer employs good word choice to describe how to pick fresh fruits and vegetables. (“ Another example is corn should be picked and eaten when you press down on the corn kernels and a little juice comes out, but if you can't penetrate the kernel it is not ripe yet and not ready to be picked. A third example is a tomato which you should pick when they are nice and firm and not squishy. ”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The writer exhibits good control of mechanics and conventions throughout the essay. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.
The writer should ensure that all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all words are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“ To sum up, what I learned from the video Harvesting plants: Ripe and the article Grandpa's Garden, I learned about Harvesting fruit and vegetables. I learned about broccoli, corn, tomatoes, and watermelons in Harvesting plants: Ripe. Finally, I also learned about bagging and ripening, canning vegetables ad picking fruit ‘in season’ in the article called Grandpa's Garden. ”)
Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
I know fruits and vegetables are healthy, but how do i know when they are ripe? I watched a video on when some fruit and vegetables are ripe. I also read a story on fruits and vegetables. When they are ripe, you can harvest them. There are many fruits and vegetables. Gloves are highly recommended because some plants have spikes on their stem and their can also be prickly okra growing nearby.
Harvesting is something important to learn. It is when you pick a ripe plant that you are able to eat. If you harvest late, your plant will spoil which is not good.
In this report, we will learn about vegetables before we learn about fruit. Green beans are ready to harvest if you snap the bean, it will make a snapping sound. Broccoli should have a crisp sound when you break it and if the broccoli has flowers growing on it, that means the broccoli is old and you shouldn't eat it. With corn, you should be able to dig your finger nails into the kernels deeply and also juice will come out of the kernels when ripe. Lettuce is just like broccoli. It should have a crisp breaking sound.
Now, on to fruit. Watermelons have a thumping sound when you knock on them. Cantaloupe will smell sweet and when you shake one, you should be able to hear the seeds. Some people don't know a tomato is a fruit. When you try to squish the tomato with you finger, it should not be squished. It should be firm. When you are harvesting strawberries, the whole fruit should be red.
In the end, fruits and vegetables are plants that can be harvested, but there will be thorns on some plants and there are bugs and arachnids lurking in your gardens so watch out. You might get bitten by a dangerous bug or spider. To protect against getting bitten, wear long pants, ankle socks, long sleeved shirts, and gloves.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The writer maintains adequate focus and meaning in the essay. The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the text and the purpose of the task and implies connections between them through the central/controlling idea. The writer provides descriptions and details that are relevant, and he/she completes many parts of the task.
The thesis states the supporting idea of the essay and the writer's viewpoint adequately. (“ I know fruits and vegetables are healthy, but how do i know when they are ripe? I watched a video on when some fruit and vegetables are ripe. I also read a story on fruits and vegetables. When they are ripe, you can harvest them. There are many fruits and vegetables. Gloves are highly recommended because some plants have spikes on their stem and their can also be prickly okra growing nearby. ”)
The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The writer is devoted to informing the readers about picking fresh fruits and vegetables. (“ In this report, we will learn about vegetables before we learn about fruit. Green beans are ready to harvest if you snap the bean, it will make a snapping sound. Broccoli should have a crisp sound when you break it and if the broccoli has flowers growing on it, ”)
The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“ Now, on to fruit. Watermelons have a thumping sound when you knock on them. Cantaloupe will smell sweet and when you shake one, you should be able to hear the seeds. Some people don't know a tomato is a fruit. When you try to squish the tomato with you finger, it should not be squished. It should be firm. When you are harvesting strawberries, the whole fruit should be red. ”)
Content & Development
The writer develops ideas and content adequately, providing specific and relevant details from the text. He/she uses a predictable pattern of methods to include credible information from the text (e.g., paraphrasing and direct quotes). Most sources used for quotes and facts are cited correctly.
The essay contains adequate details from the text to illustrate the main ideas. (“ In this report, we will learn about vegetables before we learn about fruit. Green beans are ready to harvest if you snap the bean, it will make a snapping sound. Broccoli should have a crisp sound when you break it and if the broccoli has flowers growing on it, that means the broccoli is old and you shouldn't eat it. With corn, you should be able to dig your finger nails into the kernels deeply and also juice will come out of the kernels when ripe. ”)
The explanations and details used to illustrate the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“ Now, on to fruit. Watermelons have a thumping sound when you knock on them. Cantaloupe will smell sweet and when you shake one, you should be able to hear the seeds. Some people don't know a tomato is a fruit. When you try to squish the tomato with you finger, it should not be squished. It should be firm. When you are harvesting strawberries, the whole fruit should be red. ”) Providing more specific details would enhance the writer’s descriptions of how to pick fresh fruits and vegetables.
The writer provides relevant anecdotal examples from the text. (“ I watched a video on when some fruit and vegetables are ripe. I also read a story on fruits and vegetables. When they are ripe, you can harvest them. There are many fruits and vegetables. Gloves are highly recommended because some plants have spikes on their stem and their can also be prickly okra growing nearby.”)
Organization
There is adequate organization in the essay. The writer provides an interesting opening to the response that keeps the readers reading. The essay generally flows smoothly from one idea to another with subtle transitions to support sequential development.
The beginning of the essay demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by asking a question. (“ I know fruits and vegetables are healthy, but how do i know when they are ripe? I watched a video on when some fruit and vegetables are ripe. I also read a story on fruits and vegetables. When they are ripe, you can harvest them. There are many fruits and vegetables. Gloves are highly recommended because some plants have spikes on their stem and their can also be prickly okra growing nearby. ”)
Subtle transitions are used to connect ideas. (“ Now, on to fruit. Watermelons have a thumping sound when you knock on them. Cantaloupe will smell sweet and when you shake one, you should be able to hear the seeds. Some people don't know a tomato is a fruit. When you try to squish the tomato with you finger, it should not be squished. ”) The writer should incorporate more transitions to connect his/her ideas in a more meaningful way.
The conclusion summarizes the main points of the response and leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“ In the end, fruits and vegetables are plants that can be harvested, but there will be thorns on some plants and there are bugs and arachnids lurking in your gardens so watch out. You might get bitten by a dangerous bug or spider. To protect against getting bitten, wear long pants, ankle socks, long sleeved shirts, and gloves. ”)
Language Use & Style
The use of language, voice, and style is adequate. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, an awareness of audience, and control of voice. There is generally correct sentence structure with some variety .
Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ In the end, fruits and vegetables are plants that can be harvested, but there will be thorns on some plants and there are bugs and arachnids lurking in your gardens so watch out. You might get bitten by a dangerous bug or spider. To protect against getting bitten, wear long pants, ankle socks, long sleeved shirts, and gloves. ”)
The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the response. He/she provides language that adequately describes how to pick fresh fruits and vegetables. (“ In this report, we will learn about vegetables before we learn about fruit. Green beans are ready to harvest if you snap the bean, it will make a snapping sound. Broccoli should have a crisp sound when you break it and if the broccoli has flowers growing on it, that means the broccoli is old and you shouldn't eat it. ”)
The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the essay. (“
Now, on to fruit. Watermelons have a thumping sound when you knock on them. Cantaloupe will smell sweet and when you shake one, you should be able to hear the seeds. Some people don't know a tomato is a fruit. When you try to squish the tomato with you finger, it should not be squished. It should be firm.
”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The writer exhibits adequate control of mechanics and conventions throughout most of the essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.
The writer should ensure that sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have subject-verb agreement, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are indicated with line breaks, and words are spelled and used correctly. (“ I know fruits and vegetables are healthy, but how do i know when they are ripe? I watched a video on when some fruit and vegetables are ripe. I also read a story on fruits and vegetables. When they are ripe, you can harvest them. There are many fruits and vegetables. Gloves are highly recommended because some plants have spikes on their stem and their can also be prickly okra growing nearby. ”)
Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
It is easy to learn if crops are ripe. Today I might talk about preparing veagtables and how to tell if ther ripe.
Preparing veagtables take a couple of steps. One of the steps are canning the veagtables. You have to boil the veagtables in order to put them in the jar. Once you do that you have to can them directly in a jar called the Mason jar. Then you put a teaspoon of salt. After that she closes the lid tightlly. Also she put the jar in a pressure cooker to get the compresed air out. Through those steps you put veagtables in a jar that would last 5 years. Also pick tomatos quickly. Insects crave for the tomatos. Also the racons like the yummy ripe tomatos.
There are some ways to tell if crops are ripe enough. One of the crop are corn. Here is one way you can tell if corn is ripe enouh stick your finger nail in a curnal and see if juice comes out. If it is to hard it is not ripe enouh . Another one is tomatos. tomatos should at least have a smoth texture. But if is squishy it is not ripe. Another one is the red strawberries. They should be all red. Also the juice watermelon. When you ceck you need to knock and see if it is a hard noise.
Obivouly, it is harder to learn how to check if a crop is ripe enough to pick. I talked about today how to prepare veagtables and how to tell if crops are ripe enough.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The focus and meaning are limited in the essay. The writer demonstrates a vague or incomplete understanding of the text and the purpose of the task. He/she implies few connections between text and task through the central/controlling idea. The writer provides details that may not give the readers a clear understanding of his/her message. Only some of the prompt tasks are completed.
The writer states the controlling idea in a very limited way. The writer should improve the focus of the thesis statement or controlling idea by referencing the text information more effectively. (“It is easy to learn if crops are ripe. Today I might talk about preparing veagtables and how to tell if ther ripe. ”)
The writer’s focus is limited. The writer only focuses on how to prepare fresh fruits and vegetables and does not take enough time to explain the correct way to harvest them. (“Preparing veagtables take a couple of steps. One of the steps are canning the veagtables. You have to boil the veagtables in order to put them in the jar. Once you do that you have to can them directly in a jar called the Mason jar. Then you put a teaspoon of salt. After that she closes the lid tightlly. Also she put the jar in a pressure cooker to get the compresed air out. Through those steps you put veagtables in a jar that would last 5 years. Also pick tomatos quickly. Insects crave for the tomatos. Also the racons like the yummy ripe tomatos. ”)
The writer provides limited examples in the essay and should include more meaningful examples from the text to illustrate the correct way to pick fruits and vegetables. (“ There are some ways to tell if crops are ripe enough. One of the crop are corn. Here is one way you can tell if corn is ripe enouh stick your finger nail in a curnal and see if juice comes out. If it is to hard it is not ripe enouh . ”)
Content & Development
The essay contains limited content and development. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, providing some specific and relevant details from the text. He/she uses limited methods to include credible information from the text (e.g., paraphrasing and direct quotes). Some sources used for quotes and facts are cited correctly.
The essay contains limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“ There are some ways to tell if crops are ripe enough. One of the crop are corn. Here is one way you can tell if corn is ripe enouh stick your finger nail in a curnal and see if juice comes out. If it is to hard it is not ripe enouh. ”)
The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. (“ Preparing veagtables take a couple of steps. One of the steps are canning the veagtables. You have to boil the veagtables in order to put them in the jar. Once you do that you have to can them directly in a jar called the Mason jar. ”)
The explanations and details used to illustrate the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. References to the text should connect ideas clearly to support the writer’s ideas. (“ Another one is tomatos. tomatos should at least have a smoth texture. But if is squishy it is not ripe. Another one is the red strawberries. They should be all red. Also the juice watermelon. When you ceck you need to knock and see if it is a hard noise. ”)
Organization
There is limited organization of main ideas and supporting details in the essay. The essay demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. There is limited use of paragraphing, and the essay lacks some transitional devices.
The essay demonstrates a limited introduction. (" It is easy to learn if crops are ripe. Today I might talk about preparing veagtables and how to tell if ther ripe. ")
Strong transitions within paragraphs and between sentences are needed to enhance the flow of the writer’s ideas. (“ Another one is tomatos. tomatos should at least have a smoth texture. But if is squishy it is not ripe. Another one is the red strawberries. They should be all red. Also the juice watermelon. ”)
The writer does not provide a conclusion in the essay. A strong conclusion would summarize the main ideas and give the readers something to think about as the essay draws to a close. (“ Obivouly, it is harder to learn how to check if a crop is ripe enough to pick. I talked about today how to prepare veagtables and how to tell if crops are ripe enough. ”)
Language Use & Style
The writer demonstrates a limited use of language, voice, and style. The essay reveals simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience, and a control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.
Some sentence lengths are short. (“ Another one is the red strawberries. They should be all red. Also the juice watermelon. ”) The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the response more interesting to the intended audience.
The sentence structure impedes the writer’s message. (“ There are some ways to tell if crops are ripe enough. One of the crop are corn. Here is one way you can tell if corn is ripe enouh stick your finger nail in a curnal and see if juice comes out. If it is to hard it is not ripe enouh . ”)
The sentences are too informal, and the word selections are very basic. This combination does not effectively communicate the writer’s ideas to the intended audience. (“ Also pick tomatos quickly. Insects crave for the tomatos. Also the racons like the yummy ripe tomatos. ”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The control of mechanics and conventions is limited in the essay. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.
The writer should make sure each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, line breaks are used to indicate new paragraphs, and words are used and spelled correctly within the context of sentences. (“ There are some ways to tell if crops are ripe enough. One of the crop are corn. Here is one way you can tell if corn is ripe enouh stick your finger nail in a curnal and see if juice comes out. If it is to hard it is not ripe enouh . Another one is tomatos. tomatos should at least have a smoth texture. ”)
The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.
Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.
Model Essay
What i have leared from this story is about picking good fruit. First you have to make sure its ripe, make sure its good for you and you can eat it. First is the watermelon. Its like the esiest one because all you have to do is knock on ti lik4e you are knocking on the door. You have to be able to hear a big ''THUMP''.And that is going to be a good apitite for you. A vegtable is easy too. The tomato, you have to pick it when its red, because when its yellow or white, it can't be pickd. There are also several reasons you have to pick it when its red and ripe, racoons can get it and eat it, and because some insects can come and eat it too.
The next veggie is lettuce. The way to know that it is ready to be picked and eaten, is the crack. When its stil atached to the ground, you get a piece of the lettuce and take it off slowly and a little fast, and you will be able to hear the cracking on the hard lettuce.
Thats what i have learned about fruits and vegtables.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. He/she demonstrates an unclear understanding of the text and the purpose of the task. The writer makes illogical and/or unnecessary connections between text and task through the central/controlling idea. Additionally, he/she does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. As a result, the writer completes few parts of the task.
The writer only minimally states a central/controlling idea. (“ What i have leared from this story is about picking good fruit. ”) The writer misses the opportunity to elaborate on specific details of how to pick fresh fruits and vegetables. By providing more details in a response, the writer creates a richly textured message that gives the readers a clear picture of harvesting fruits and vegetables.
The writer does not sufficiently maintain focus on supporting ideas through text references to give the readers a true sense of how to pick ripe fruits and vegetables. More details from the text are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“ First you have to make sure its ripe, make sure its good for you and you can eat it. First is the watermelon. Its like the esiest one because all you have to do is knock on ti lik4e you are knocking on the door. ”)
The writer’s details are minimally developed. (“ The next veggie is lettuce. The way to know that it is ready to be picked and eaten, is the crack. When its stil atached to the ground, you get a piece of the lettuce and take it off slowly and a little fast, and you will be able to hear the cracking on the hard lettuce. ”)
Content & Development
There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and minimally by providing few details from the text, some of which are not specific or relevant. He/she uses minimal methods to include credible information from the text (e.g., paraphrasing and direct quotes ). Many sources used for quotes and facts are less than credible and/or not cited correctly.
There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s thesis statement. (“ A vegtable is easy too. The tomato, you have to pick it when its red, because when its yellow or white, it can't be pickd. There are also several reasons you have to pick it when its red and ripe, racoons can get it and eat it, and because some insects can come and eat it too. ”)
In the essay, the writer does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“ What i have leared from this story is about picking good fruit. First you have to make sure its ripe, make sure its good for you and you can eat it. First is the watermelon. Its like the esiest one because all you have to do is knock on ti lik4e you are knocking on the door. You have to be able to hear a big ‘THUMP’.And that is going to be a good apitite for you. ”)
Details are needed to sufficiently explain and illustrate each main idea. Details should include examples, facts, brief narratives, or quotes from the text that give the readers a clear picture of how to pick fresh fruits and vegetables. (“ The next veggie is lettuce. The way to know that it is ready to be picked and eaten, is the crack. When its stil atached to the ground, you get a piece of the lettuce and take it off slowly and a little fast, and you will be able to hear the cracking on the hard lettuce. ”)
Organization
The essay’s organization is minimal as well. The writer provides an opening that minimally reveals the purpose of the prompt task. The response lacks effective transitional devices and paragraphing. Furthermore, the essay demonstrates little evidence of a strong ending.
The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ What i have leared from this story is about picking good fruit. First you have to make sure its ripe, make sure its good for you and you can eat it. First is the watermelon. Its like the esiest one because all you have to do is knock on ti lik4e you are knocking on the door. You have to be able to hear a big ‘THUMP’.And that is going to be a good apitite for you. A vegtable is easy too. The tomato, you have to pick it when its red, because when its yellow or white, it can't be pickd. There are also several reasons you have to pick it when its red and ripe, racoons can get it and eat it, and because some insects can come and eat it too. ”)
There is some evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ The next veggie is lettuce. The way to know that it is ready to be picked and eaten, is the crack. When its stil atached to the ground, you get a piece of the lettuce and take it off slowly and a little fast, and you will be able to hear the cracking on the hard lettuce. ”)
The writer does not include a strong conclusion. (“ Thats what i have learned about fruits and vegtables. ”)
Language Use & Style
The use of language, voice, and style is minimal. The writer demonstrates simple language and word choice with little awareness of audience. The essay also displays basic errors in sentence structure, spelling, and usage.
The minimal structure of many of the sentences impedes the effective communication of ideas. ( “ You have to be able to hear a big ‘THUMP’.And that is going to be a good apitite for you.” )
There is repetition in the essay. (“ The next veggie is lettuce. The way to know that it is ready to be picked and eaten, is the crack. When its stil atached to the ground, you get a piece of the lettuce and take it off slowly and a little fast, and you will be able to hear the cracking on the hard lettuce. ”)
The writer relies on simple sentence structure and word choice. (“ A vegtable is easy too. ”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is minimal. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.
The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas, and the correct spelling and usage of selected words. (“ Its like the esiest one because all you have to do is knock on ti lik4e you are knocking on the door. ”)
The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.
Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
The Garden
I leared that the fruit has to be picked at the right time or else the fruit or vestibel won't be good to eat. You could get sick if the fruit is not good because it has things inside that are really bad for you so you have to know when the fruits and vestibels so it is best to stick with the correct time that othere people know how to the time to pick the fruits and the veshtibels. So you should leave it to the profeshnols.
Thst is called harvisting wich is very important because the fruit would go bad so that is why it is importemt to harvised.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
There is inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. The writer demonstrates little understanding of the text or the purpose of the task and makes little or no connection between them through a central/controlling idea. The writer lacks awareness of audience as well. The essay response does not satisfy any parts of the task.
The writer states a central/controlling idea but does not develop the idea adequately through examples and descriptive details from the text. (“ I leared that the fruit has to be picked at the right time or else the fruit or vestibel won't be good to eat. ”)
The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience because he/she does not include relevant details from the text to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“ You could get sick if the fruit is not good because it has things inside that are really bad for you so you have to know when the fruits and vestibels so it is best to stick with the correct time that othere people know how to the time to pick the fruits and the veshtibels. ”)
The essay’s lack of specific details from the text renders the writer’s message ineffective and incomplete. (“ Thst is called harvisting wich is very important because the fruit would go bad so that is why it is importemt to harvised. ”)
Content & Development
The writer shows inadequate or no content and development of ideas, providing virtually no details from the text. He/she uses little or no paraphrasing or direct quotes to include credible information from the text. Additionally, sources used for quotes and facts are less than credible and/or not cited correctly.
Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“ You could get sick if the fruit is not good because it has things inside that are really bad for you so you have to know when the fruits and vestibels so it is best to stick with the correct time that othere people know how to the time to pick the fruits and the veshtibels. So you should leave it to the profeshnols. ”)
In the response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs. At least three main ideas should be included as evidence. (“ I leared that the fruit has to be picked at the right time or else the fruit or vestibel won't be good to eat. ”)
Details from the text are not used to explain and illustrate how to pick fruits and vegetables. Details could include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations to bring the writer’s ideas to life. (“ Thst is called harvisting wich is very important because the fruit would go bad so that is why it is importemt to harvised. ”)
Organization
The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate as well. The essay demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure, introduction, or conclusion. There is also no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.
The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ I leared that the fruit has to be picked at the right time or else the fruit or vestibel won't be good to eat. ”)
T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ You could get sick if the fruit is not good because it has things inside that are really bad for you so you have to know when the fruits and vestibels so it is best to stick with the correct time that othere people know how to the time to pick the fruits and the veshtibels. ”)
The writer does not include a strong conclusion. (“ Thst is called harvisting wich is very important because the fruit would go bad so that is why it is importemt to harvised. ”)
Language Use & Style
Language use and style are inadequate. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.
Sentence lengths are short. (“ So you should leave it to the profeshnols. ”)
The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ You could get sick if the fruit is not good because it has things inside that are really bad for you so you have to know when the fruits and vestibels so it is best to stick with the correct time that othere people know how to the time to pick the fruits and the veshtibels. ”)
The writer relies on simple sentences and word choices. (“ Thst is called harvisting wich is very important because the fruit would go bad so that is why it is importemt to harvised. ”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is inadequate. There are noticeable e rrors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.
The writer needs to be sure that the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas, and the correct spelling and usage of selected words. The essay is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“ Thst is called harvisting wich is very important because the fruit would go bad so that is why it is importemt to harvised. ”)
The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.
Carefully read "The Patient Peregrine." Then, write a summary of the article. Be sure to use significant details from the article in your response.
Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
In this article, "The Patient Peregrine" the author tells about a life of a special peregrine named Scarlett.
Scarlett was born in a special laboratory called the Hawk Barn. The Hawk Barn is a laboratory where scientists take peregrines out from the wild and into the Hawk Barn to mate. This helps the population of the peregrines grow since they were endanger. Then Scarlett hatched the scientists cared for her (they taught Scarlett how to survive in the wild). When Scarlett was ready to become free the scientists placed a name tag on her legs. Then she was set free.
One day Scarlett landed on a skyscraper in Baltimore . Workers in the building watched as Scarlett rested on the ledge and became worried that Scarlett might be sick. So they called a bird scientist. The bird scientist came to look at the bird. He new that this bird wasn't sick, but searching for a mate. If she nested on the skyscraper ledge she could see for miles around, so she would find a mate sooner or later.
Unfortunately, weeks', months, and years passed by and Scarrlett still didn't find a mate. Bird scientists brought Scarlett many mates, but the couples never worked out. Finally, Scarlett's patients paid off. A male peregrine spotted Scarlett on the skyscraper's ledge. He flew down to the ledge landed on it and took off again. Scarlett immediately took to the sky and flew by his side. Office workers were watching the two peregrines flying and new that Scarlett had found her mate. They decided to call him Beauregard. Before long Scarlett had laid four eggs. When the eggs hatched, Scarlett and Beaugard became the parents of the first wild peregrines born in the eastern United States in 30 years. Office workers as well as bird scientists were thrilled with Scarlett's and Beaugard's success.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
This author has cleverly constructed an insightful essay which shows a clear, complete understanding of the article stated through the main idea. (“In this article, "The Patient Peregrine" the author tells about a life of a special peregrine named Scarlett. Scarlett was born in a special laboratory called the Hawk Barn. The Hawk Barn is a laboratory where scientists take peregrines out from the wild and into the Hawk Barn to mate. This helps the population of the peregrines grow since they were endanger.”) This writer effectively summarizes the article by including only the most important details. (“One day Scarlett landed on a skyscraper in Baltimore . Workers in the building watched as Scarlett rested on the ledge and became worried that Scarlett might be sick. So they called a bird scientist. The bird scientist came to look at the bird. He new that this bird wasn't sick, but searching for a mate.”)
Content & Development
This author has written an essay that is well-developed, is solidly supported, and uses the perfect amount of facts from the article. (“Unfortunately, weeks', months, and years passed by and Scarrlett still didn't find a mate. Bird scientists brought Scarlett many mates, but the couples never worked out. Finally, Scarlett's patients paid off. A male peregrine spotted Scarlett on the skyscraper's ledge. He flew down to the ledge landed on it and took off again. Scarlett immediately took to the sky and flew by his side. Office workers were watching the two peregrines flying and new that Scarlett had found her mate.”) Th i s author creates a perfect paraphrase while using synonyms to make the content interesting to the reader. (“He new that this bird wasn't sick, but searching for a mate. If she nested on the skyscraper ledge she could see for miles around, so she would find a mate sooner or later.”)
Organization
This essay demonstrates a unified structure; it has a clear introduction (“In this article, "The Patient Peregrine" the author tells about a life of a special peregrine named Scarlett. Scarlett was born in a special laboratory called the Hawk Barn. The Hawk Barn is a laboratory where scientists take peregrines out from the wild and into the Hawk Barn to mate. This helps the population of the peregrines grow since they were endanger.”), a conclusion (“Before long Scarlett had laid four eggs. When the eggs hatched, Scarlett and Beaugard became the parents of the first wild peregrines born in the eastern United States in 30 years. Office workers as well as bird scientists were thrilled with Scarlett's and Beaugard's success”), and one main body paragraph. The body paragraph is a clear summary of the article.
Language Use & Style
The author’s summary is well-written and has proper paraphrasing. The author uses descriptive language and a variety of sentence structures to make the piece interesting for the reader. (“Bird scientists brought Scarlett many mates, but the couples never worked out. Finally, Scarlett's patients paid off. A male peregrine spotted Scarlett on the skyscraper's ledge. He flew down to the ledge landed on it and took off again. Scarlett immediately took to the sky and flew by his side.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
With minimal noticeable errors, this author’s writing demonstrates that he/she has very effective control over the conventions and mechanics of writing.
Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
About thirty years go, the Peregrine falcons were dying out. Scientist wanted to save these birds. The scientist created a laboratory called" Hawk Barn". The scientist raised peregrine falcons in this laboratory. They put tags around their legs to know that they were one of the falcons that they raised in the laboratory.
One fine day, a peregrine falcon landed on a skyscraper. The workers in the building started getting worried that the peregrine might be sick. The workers called a bird scientist to see what was going on. When they all got to the top the scientist saw the tag on its leg.
Immediately, the scientist knew that it was one of the falcons they raised in the laboratory. The scientist also knew that the peregrine was just looking for a mate. They also knew that the peregrine' s name was Scarlet. She was able to see far distances from up were she was nesting, but still no sign of a mate. Many months past and still no mate. The scientist tried to help by pairing her up with male peregrines from the laboratory, But their brilliant idea failed. Scarlet didn't' t care how much time it would take, even if it took her whole life, she didn't give up.
Finally, after five long years, up in the blue sky, a male peregrine spotted Scarlet and went straight toward her. It stopped down there for a While, then it left flying high above the sky with Scarlet right behind him. The workers decided to call the male, Beauregard.
After a while, they came back and Scarlet laid four eggs. At last, the eggs hatched and SScarlet and Beauregard were to busy to noticed that they were the first two Peregrines to have babies in a long time.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
This author strongly communicates a message to the intended audience by establishing and maintaining a clear controlling idea. (“About thirty years go, the Peregrine falcons were dying out. Scientist wanted to save these birds. The scientist created a laboratory called" Hawk Barn".”) In this essay, the author’s knowledge of the purpose and audience of the prompt is evident. This author covers the main points of the article completely, but adds in a few details that are not important for a summary. (“Finally, after five long years, up in the blue sky, a male peregrine spotted Scarlet and went straight toward her. It stopped down there for a While, then it left flying high above the sky with Scarlet right behind him.”)
Content & Development
In this essay, the author develops ideas clearly using sufficient and appropriate details. (“Immediately, the scientist knew that it was one of the falcons they raised in the laboratory. The scientist also knew that the peregrine was just looking for a mate. They also knew that the peregrine' s name was Scarlet. She was able to see far distances from up were she was nesting, but still no sign of a mate.”) The writer paraphrases each main point of the article effectively, but the essay lacks synonyms which would engage the reader and make the summary original.
Organization
In general, this essay demonstrates a mostly unified structure; it has a good introduction and three body paragraphs which provide supporting details for the thesis. The conclusion is adequate (“After a while, they came back and Scarlet laid four eggs. At last, the eggs hatched and SScarlet and Beauregard were to busy to noticed that they were the first two Peregrines to have babies in a long time.”) but could be more effective if the author tied it back to his/her thesis statement.
Language Use & Style
This author demonstrates appropriate language use, precise word choice, and a clearly defined voice. (“Finally, after five long years, up in the blue sky, a male peregrine spotted Scarlet and went straight toward her. It stopped down there for a While, then it left flying high above the sky with Scarlet right behind him. The workers decided to call the male, Beauregard.”) The author’s use of well-structured and varied sentences is evident in this essay.
Mechanics & Conventions
This author shows a clear understanding of the conventions and mechanics of standard, written English. Few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are evident, and they do not interfere with the message.
Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
This story discusses the cause and effect of saving the wild peregrines. The Untied States bird scientists had a plan. The plan was to save the peregrine falcons from dying out.
The scientist found wild peregrines. First, the scientists brought them to the special lab. The peregrines mated and laid eggs. The scientists cared for the baby birds. After, they put nametags on birds, they set them free. They found Scarlett and knew she was from the lab because she had a name tag on. Scarlett was looking for a mate. She was a very patient peregrine because she waited five years for a mate. Scarlett's patience paid off. She found a mate.They named him Beauregard. Scarlett and Beauregard took turns sitting on the eggs untill they hatched.
The Untied States plan to save the peregrine worked for the first time. Scarlett's patience finally paid off. She had babies in the wild. She found a mate named Beauregard. They were the first parents to have wild babies in 30 years.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
In this essay, the author adequately communicates a message to the intended audience. By establishing a controlling idea in the introduction (“This story discusses the cause and effect of saving the wild peregrines. The Untied States bird scientists had a plan. The plan was to save the peregrine falcons from dying out.”), the author demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience of the prompt.
Content & Development
This writer includes an adequate amount of ideas to support his/her clearly defined thesis. (“The scientist found wild peregrines. First, the scientists brought them to the special lab. The peregrines mated and laid eggs. The scientists cared for the baby birds. After, they put nametags on birds, they set them free.”) However, the author fails to develop his/her ideas fully.
Organization
This essay demonstrates a generally unified structure; it contains a noticeable introduction and conclusion. (“The Untied States plan to save the peregrine worked for the first time. Scarlett's patience finally paid off. She had babies in the wild. She found a mate named Beauregard. They were the first parents to have wild babies in 30 years.”) However, the body paragraph should be split into two discussions. The first discussion could focus on how the falcons were captured, cared for, and released, and the second discussion could detail how Scarlett survived in the wild trying to find a mate.
Language Use & Style
In this essay, the author demonstrates adequate language use and paraphrasing. The author writes in a style that is appropriate for the audience, and he/she generally uses correct sentences. However, the author’s sentence structure has minimal variety. (“Scarlett was looking for a mate. She was a very patient peregrine because she waited five years for a mate. Scarlett's patience paid off. She found a mate.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
This author maintains good control of the conventions of writing. Few errors in grammar, punctuation, or spelling (“Untied States”) are evident in this essay.
Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
years ago there was a large population of Peregrine falcons. They started dying out,so scientist to took them to a Hawk Barn. The scientists taught them how to survive. They were taught and set free.One Perigrin landed on a skyscraper in Baltimore.The workers called the scientists to see if it was sick.It was ok,she was waiting for a mate.She waited five years for a mate. One day she saw a male perigrine falcon.They became mates.She laid four eggs.The scientist were happy because it was the first Perigrine set in the wild,in thirty years.Hopefully,we will see more Perigrines because of Scarlet!
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
This essay only partially communicates a clear summary. The author establishes a controlling idea at the beginning of the paragraph (“50 years ago there was a large population of Peregrine falcons. They started dying out,so scientist to took them to a Hawk Barn.”) but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience. The author includes only some important points of the article.
Content & Development
The author supplies some details to support the central idea, but he/she develops ideas briefly and inconsistently. (“One Perigrin landed on a skyscraper in Baltimore.The workers called the scientists to see if it was sick.It was ok,she was waiting for a mate.She waited five years for a mate. One day she saw a male perigrine falcon.They became mates.”) In order for this essay to be successful, the author needs to discuss more relevant details from the article and paraphrase them effectively.
Organization
This short summary contains the introduction, supporting details, and conclusion in a single paragraph. (“She waited five years for a mate. One day she saw a male perigrine falcon.They became mates.She laid four eggs.The scientist were happy because it was the first Perigrine set in the wild,in thirty years.Hopefully,we will see more Perigrines because of Scarlet!”) This author would benefit from separating his/her main ideas into body paragraphs to better organize the essay.
Language Use & Style
This essay demonstrates simple language use and a minimal awareness of audience. (“One Perigrin landed on a skyscraper in Baltimore.The workers called the scientists to see if it was sick.It was ok,she was waiting for a mate.”) Sentence structure is weak and limited in variety, which could be improved upon by adding in more important details from the text.
Mechanics & Conventions
This author shows limited control over the conventions and mechanics of writing. Some noticeable errors in grammar (“The scientist were happy because it was the first Perigrine”), mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are evident. These errors somewhat impede meaning.
Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.
Model Essay
In the United States ,a group of bird scientists made a plan to save the Peregrines
The scientists found wild peregines and brought them to a special laboratory called the Hawk Barn. One day, one of these peregrines landed on a skyscraper ledge in the city of Baltimore . The office workers thought that she might be sick
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
This essay suggests a controlling idea (“In the United States,a group of bird scientists made a plan to save the Peregrines”) but demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience. The author completes few parts of the task; this piece is not a complete summary.
Content & Development
The author of this essay is unsuccessful at developing ideas completely and adequately. This essay lacks details to support ideas. (“The scientists found wild peregines and brought them to a special laboratory called the Hawk Barn. One day, one of these peregrines landed on a skyscraper ledge in the city of Baltimore .”)
Organization
This essay lacks a unified structure; it consists of only one paragraph. The author begins the essay with a controlling idea and two details from the article, but he/she fails to include enough details to create an adequate summary.
Language Use & Style
The language used in this essay is simple. There is limited paraphrasing, if any, as well as minimal sentence variety (“The scientists found wild peregines and brought them to a special laboratory called the Hawk Barn. One day, one of these peregrines landed on a skyscraper ledge in the city of Baltimore . The office workers thought that she might be sick”).
Mechanics & Conventions
The writer shows limited control over the conventions and mechanics of writing. Errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation (“The office workers thought that she might be sick”), and spelling are present and somewhat interfere with the communication of the message.
Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
Once, paragrines were almost instinked. Sciensetists would of hate to see this bird get instinked. Then they took them to hawk barn. They took care of them and fed them. After the poulation has been raisd up a noch, they let them go. After they let them go they put name tags on them. One falken named sharlet spoted a building to put her nest. She
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
In this essay, the writer makes an introductory statement (“Once, paragrines were almost instinked. Sciensetists would of hate to see this bird get instinked. Then they took them to hawk barn”) but does not support the idea fully. The author demonstrates minimal understanding of purpose and audience.
Content & Development
The writer begins to respond to the prompt but fails to summarize the article completely. (“Then they took them to hawk barn. They took care of them and fed them. After the poulation has been raisd up a noch, they let them go. After they let them go they put name tags on them.”) To fully engage the reader, this essay needs to contain coherent, paraphrased supporting details.
Organization
There is no evidence of a unified structure in this essay; it lacks a meaningful introduction and conclusion. The author states a thesis, but he/she fails to develop it into a multi-paragraph essay.
Language Use & Style
This author makes major errors in sentence structure and word choice. This essay has no evidence of paraphrasing, rather it seems to copy key concepts. (“Once, paragrines were almost instinked. Sciensetists would of hate to see this bird get instinked. Then they took them to hawk barn. They took care of them and fed them.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
Major errors in grammar (“Sciensetists would of hate to see this bird get instinked.”), mechanics, punctuation, and spelling (“instinked”) demonstrate this author’s lack of control over the conventions and mechanics of writing. These errors significantly interfere with the communication of the author’s message.