Zoos often have programs for families and individuals that allow them to "adopt" one of their animals. The donation collected for adopting an animal is used for its upkeep and care. What kind of zoo animal would you adopt if you were given this opportunity? Why would you choose that animal?

Write a well-developed essay to convince your family to adopt a particular animal at your local zoo. Include facts and details to support your selection.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Mom and Dad,

I would like to adopt a tiger from our local zoo and support it monetarily through the “Adopt a Zoo Animal” program being offered between now and the end of the year. I would really like to do this for several reasons. One reason is because in Chinese religions, they believe that any person born has an animal spirit living in them. Which animal resides in them depends on when the person is born. I was born on April 17, 1998, so my spirit is a tiger! What a coincidence! I also think adopting a tiger would be a good idea because tigers are almost at the point of extinction, so adopting one would contribute a great deal to their population and survival! So I think adopting a tiger would be a good idea.

Tigers are fascinating and magnificent creatures. We can't kill these creatures or take over their land because tigers need places to hunt. In the past, many people have killed tigers because they have wandered onto their land and have eaten their crops. Poachers have also been killing tigers for their fur. They then sell the fur for a hefty price to earn money. Cheetahs have been treated this way, too. Governmental laws have banned poachers from hunting, but poachers still hunt them illegally. Most tigers are put in reservations, but some tigers are not living in captivity. They have high chances of being killed by poachers or dying of starvation. I think adopting a tiger is a good idea to help preserve the dignity of these creatures.

Adopting a tiger would be beneficial because tigers are constantly losing food in the wild. Their prey can die of diseases or because of a bigger problem: the loss of their homes. Loggers have been cutting down trees because in the past few years, many people have been born and they need places to live. Female tigers raise cubs and their cubs can also die of starvation, too. Even just one adoption can make a huge difference. Some of the money can be used to make the tigers’ lives easier. More researchers should try to capture tigers and put them into captivity, in order to protect them and safeguard them from the dangers of man and extinction.

Tigers deserve their own personal space. They need places to hunt, take care of their young, and places to mate. Just like us, we need personal space, too. Like the Amazon Rainforest, people have been cutting down trees and that lessens places to hide, hunt, and play. Young tiger cubs need the space to develop their abilities to hunt before they depart with their mothers. Trees provide the right places to do these things. As I mentioned before, loggers have been cutting down trees; so this lack of tree space can be potentially devastating to the training of these animals for skills they will need in the wild.

Although you might be thinking that $200 could be too insufficient, even one donation helps the tigers' futures. We will not have to put a lot of money out and the donation is tax deductible! You may think, we are only one family, how can we stop all the things that are contributing to the tigers’ demise? Even though we can't stop loggers from cutting down trees, scientists and researchers can bring tigers into captivity. There, pregnant tigers can have an easier time of taking care of their young. All the money we donate can assist them in this project. The adoption can also be used for the food of tigers. When tigers are in captivity, they need food, but most of the time, they are put into national parks. Unlike tigers in captivity, tigers in national parks can hunt for themselves. Tigers in captivity can't. Even you could help these magnificent creatures by just donating $100.

Adopting tigers is a good idea because it helps the future of tigers. Tigers are dying out, or going extinct. Many tiger species are already extinct. Adoptions can save the ones that aren't extinct. Even just one adoption can make a big difference. So come on mom and dad, what do you say?

Sincerely,

Justin

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion to effectively persuade readers. The response reflects a thorough understanding of the purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

After the writer grabs the readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinionative statement. (“I would really like to do this for several reasons. One reason is because in Chinese religions, they believe that any person born has an animal spirit living in them. Which animal resides in them depends on when the person is born. I was born on April 17, 1998, so my spirit is a tiger! What a coincidence! I also think adopting a tiger would be a good idea because tigers are almost at the point of extinction, so adopting one would contribute a great deal to their population and survival! So I think adopting a tiger would be a good idea.”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Tigers deserve their own personal space. They need places to hunt, take care of their young, and places to mate. Just like us, we need personal space, too. Like the Amazon Rainforest, people have been cutting down trees and that lessens places to hide, hunt, and play. Young tiger cubs need the space to develop their abilities to hunt before they depart with their mothers. Trees provide the right places to do these things. As I mentioned before, loggers have been cutting down trees; so this lack of tree space can be potentially devastating to the training of these animals for skills they will need in the wild.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with supporting details, which directly relate to the writer’s assertion that without the assistance of the “Adopt a Zoo Animal” program, many tigers will die out and be threatened with extinction. (“Adopting a tiger would be beneficial because tigers are constantly losing food in the wild. Their prey can die of diseases or because of a bigger problem: the loss of their homes. Loggers have been cutting down trees because in the past few years, many people have been born and they need places to live. Female tigers raise cubs and their cubs can also die of starvation, too. Even just one adoption can make a huge difference. Some of the money can be used to make the tigers’ lives easier. More researchers should try to capture tigers and put them into captivity, in order to protect them and safeguard them from the dangers of man and extinction.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue of adopting a tiger. The essay addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“Although you might be thinking that $200 could be too insufficient, even one donation helps the tigers' futures. We will not have to put a lot of money out and the donation is tax deductible! You may think, we are only one family, how can we stop all the things that are contributing to the tigers’ demise? Even though we can't stop loggers from cutting down trees, scientists and researchers can bring tigers into captivity. There, pregnant tigers can have an easier time of taking care of their young. All the money we donate can assist them in this project. The adoption can also be used for the food of tigers. When tigers are in captivity, they need food, but most of the time, they are put into national parks. Unlike tigers in captivity, tigers in national parks can hunt for themselves. Tigers in captivity can't. Even you could help these magnificent creatures by just donating $100.”)

The writer effectively includes some personal anecdotes that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“One reason is because in Chinese religions, they believe that any person born has an animal spirit living in them. Which animal resides in them depends on when the person is born. I was born on April 17, 1998, so my spirit is a tiger! What a coincidence! I also think adopting a tiger would be a good idea because tigers are almost at the point of extinction, so adopting one would contribute a great deal to their population and survival! So I think adopting a tiger would be a good idea.”)

The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, examples, and/or anecdotes to illustrate his/her point of view. (“Tigers are fascinating and magnificent creatures. We can't kill these creatures or take over their land because tigers need places to hunt. In the past, many people have killed tigers because they have wandered onto their land and have eaten their crops. Poachers have also been killing tigers for their fur. They then sell the fur for a hefty price to earn money. Cheetahs have been treated this way, too. Governmental laws have banned poachers from hunting, but poachers still hunt them illegally. Most tigers are put in reservations, but some tigers are not living in captivity. They have high chances of being killed by poachers or dying of starvation. I think adopting a tiger is a good idea to help preserve the dignity of these creatures.”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. The writer demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. The effective use of paragraphs and transitional devices creates a unified and well-structured essay.

The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs readers’ attention. (“I would like to adopt a tiger from our local zoo and support it monetarily through the ‘Adopt a Zoo Animal’ program being offered between now and the end of the year. I would really like to do this for several reasons. One reason is because in Chinese religions, they believe that any person born has an animal spirit living in them. Which animal resides in them depends on when the person is born. I was born on April 17, 1998, so my spirit is a tiger! What a coincidence! I also think adopting a tiger would be a good idea because tigers are almost at the point of extinction, so adopting one would contribute a great deal to their population and survival! So I think adopting a tiger would be a good idea.”)

The writer uses subtle transitions to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Adopting a tiger would be beneficial because tigers are constantly losing food in the wild. Their prey can die of diseases or because of a bigger problem: the loss of their homes. Loggers have been cutting down trees because in the past few years, many people have been born and they need places to live. Female tigers raise cubs and their cubs can also die of starvation, too. Even just one adoption can make a huge difference.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument and leaves readers with a request to consider the writer’s points before arriving at a decision. (“Adopting tigers is a good idea because it helps the future of tigers. Tigers are dying out, or going extinct. Many tiger species are already extinct. Adoptions can save the ones that aren't extinct. Even just one adoption can make a big difference. So come on mom and dad, what do you say? Sincerely, Justin”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is very effective. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences contributes to the effectiveness of the response.

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“When tigers are in captivity, they need food, but most of the time, they are put into national parks. Unlike tigers in captivity, tigers in national parks can hunt for themselves. Tigers in captivity can't. Even you could help these magnificent creatures by just donating $100.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“I would really like to do this for several reasons. One reason is because in Chinese religions, they believe that any person born has an animal spirit living in them. Which animal resides in them depends on when the person is born. I was born on April 17, 1998, so my spirit is a tiger! What a coincidence! I also think adopting a tiger would be a good idea because tigers are almost at the point of extinction, so adopting one would contribute a great deal to their population and survival!”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“Young tiger cubs need the space to develop their abilities to hunt before they depart with their mothers. Trees provide the right places to do these things. As I mentioned before, loggers have been cutting down trees; so this lack of tree space can be potentially devastating to the training of these animals for skills they will need in the wild.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“Tigers deserve their own personal space. They need places to hunt, take care of their young, and places to mate. Just like us, we need personal space, too. Like the Amazon Rainforest, people have been cutting down trees and that lessens places to hide, hunt, and play.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Family,

Have you ever heard of adopting a pet at the zoo before? Well it's really fun! You don't take that animal home, but you give a donation to the zoo to help pay for its upkeep and care. This helps to make sure that the pet is content with its environment, and has the right amount of care it should have. Don't you think it would be just great to adopt a panda at the San Diego Zoo? I believe this would be the perfect pet to adopt because we could help an endangered species, help a nearby zoo, and we could visit our panda whenever we wanted to!

I don't know about you, but helping out an endangered species would make me feel really good inside. Not only would it help us feel very proud of ourselves, but it would also help the little panda, who is lucky to be at this zoo, and should get all the care it needs. Our donation would make sure that the little fellow's habitat was clean, and that he was treated properly for any illnesses he might have. It would ensure that extra care would go to it, so it could lead a happy life at the zoo. Helping an endangered species would make me happy, and at the same time, we would be helping a nearby zoo!

Helping a nearby zoo is a good deed that you will probably never forget doing! Helping a nearby zoo is like rewarding them for all of their hard work and care towards these animals. Of course, they get paid for it, but they sometimes save animal's lives, and provide care for those animals that need it. Not only would helping a nearby zoo make the workers there really happy, but it would make you happy too, because you would probably feel good inside about what you did. Besides seeing the people we helped, it will be fun to go and visit the animal that we helped as well. Since the San Diego Zoo is not really close, but closer than most zoos, we could probably go about every month to see how our little panda is doing. It would be really fun to go and see our little friend, and watch how our donation was helping it. I would be thrilled to adopt a panda, since it is my favorite animal, and we could learn so many things about it! The panda is a very interesting animal, and I know you all will love him.

Now I know you are probably a little concerned about the money involved in this endeavor. But I will split my allowance in half to contribute and help pay for the gas when we take the trip to go see our panda. I feel, and I hope you all agree with me by now, that a panda will be a great animal to adopt, and we will have lots of fun after adopting it.

I really hope that you like the thought of helping a zoo and an endangered species, and that you take my idea into consideration. I cannot wait to hear what your final decision will be on this matter!

Your family member,

Alexandra

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates good focus and meaning and satisfies most parts of the task. The writer establishes and maintains a clear position on the issue of adopting a zoo animal to persuade readers. Also, the writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer grabs readers’ attention by beginning with a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact. (“Dear Family, Have you ever heard of adopting a pet at the zoo before? Well it's really fun! You don't take that animal home, but you give a donation to the zoo to help pay for its upkeep and care. This helps to make sure that the pet is content with its environment, and has the right amount of care it should have. Don't you think it would be just great to adopt a panda at the San Diego Zoo?”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“I don't know about you, but helping out an endangered species would make me feel really good inside. Not only would it help us feel very proud of ourselves, but it would also help the little panda, who is lucky to be at this zoo, and should get all the care it needs. Our donation would make sure that the little fellow's habitat was clean, and that he was treated properly for any illnesses he might have. It would ensure that extra care would go to it, so it could lead a happy life at the zoo. Helping an endangered species would make me happy, and at the same time, we would be helping a nearby zoo!”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“Helping a nearby zoo is a good deed that you will probably never forget doing! Helping a nearby zoo is like rewarding them for all of their hard work and care towards these animals. Of course, they get paid for it, but they sometimes save animal's lives, and provide care for those animals that need it. Not only would helping a nearby zoo make the workers there really happy, but it would make you happy too, because you would probably feel good inside about what you did. Besides seeing the people we helped, it will be fun to go and visit the animal that we helped as well. ”)

Content & Development

The writer provides good development of ideas and content in the response. The essay develops arguments using some sufficient specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. The writer clearly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Now I know you are probably a little concerned about the money involved in this endeavor. But I will split my allowance in half to contribute and help pay for the gas when we take the trip to go see our panda. I feel, and I hope you all agree with me by now, that a panda will be a great animal to adopt, and we will have lots of fun after adopting it.”)

The writer’s details are convincing; however, including more relevant facts and statistics would strengthen the argument to more effectively convince readers to take the writer’s position. (“I don't know about you, but helping out an endangered species would make me feel really good inside. Not only would it help us feel very proud of ourselves, but it would also help the little panda, who is lucky to be at this zoo, and should get all the care it needs. Our donation would make sure that the little fellow's habitat was clean, and that he was treated properly for any illnesses he might have. It would ensure that extra care would go to it, so it could lead a happy life at the zoo. ”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“Besides seeing the people we helped, it will be fun to go and visit the animal that we helped as well. Since the San Diego Zoo is not really close, but closer than most zoos, we could probably go about every month to see how our little panda is doing. It would be really fun to go and see our little friend, and watch how our donation was helping it. I would be thrilled to adopt a panda, since it is my favorite animal, and we could learn so many things about it! The panda is a very interesting animal, and I know you all will love him.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. The writer demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing and subtle transitions that keep the flow of the argument smooth and consistent.

The writer clearly states the thesis at the end of the introduction. (“Don't you think it would be just great to adopt a panda at the San Diego Zoo? I believe this would be the perfect pet to adopt because we could help an endangered species, help a nearby zoo, and we could visit our panda whenever we wanted to!”)

The writer’s introduction gives background information to help readers understand the issue. (“Have you ever heard of adopting a pet at the zoo before? Well it's really fun! You don't take that animal home, but you give a donation to the zoo to help pay for its upkeep and care. This helps to make sure that the pet is content with its environment, and has the right amount of care it should have. ”)

Transitions help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Helping a nearby zoo is a good deed that you will probably never forget doing! Helping a nearby zoo is like rewarding them for all of their hard work and care towards these animals. Of course, they get paid for it, but they sometimes save animal's lives, and provide care for those animals that need it. Not only would helping a nearby zoo make the workers there really happy, but it would make you happy too, because you would probably feel good inside about what you did. Besides seeing the people we helped, it will be fun to go and visit the animal that we helped as well. ”)

The conclusion wraps up the argument and leaves readers with something to think about. (“I feel, and I hope you all agree with me by now, that a panda will be a great animal to adopt, and we will have lots of fun after adopting it. I really hope that you like the thought of helping a zoo and an endangered species, and that you take my idea into consideration. I cannot wait to hear what your final decision will be on this matter! Your family member, Alexandra”)

Language Use & Style

There is good use of language, voice, and style in the response. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, some evidence of voice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured sentences with some variety adds to the effectiveness of the writer’s argument.

The writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Don't you think it would be just great to adopt a panda at the San Diego Zoo? I believe this would be the perfect pet to adopt because we could help an endangered species, help a nearby zoo, and we could visit our panda whenever we wanted to!”)

The writer combines short sentences by using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. (“Not only would helping a nearby zoo make the workers there really happy, but it would make you happy too, because you would probably feel good inside about what you did. Besides seeing the people we helped, it will be fun to go and visit the animal that we helped as well. Since the San Diego Zoo is not really close, but closer than most zoos, we could probably go about every month to see how our little panda is doing. ”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. (“Besides seeing the people we helped, it will be fun to go and visit the animal that we helped as well. Since the San Diego Zoo is not really close, but closer than most zoos, we could probably go about every month to see how our little panda is doing. It would be really fun to go and see our little friend, and watch how our donation was helping it. I would be thrilled to adopt a panda, since it is my favorite animal, and we could learn so many things about it! The panda is a very interesting animal, and I know you all will love him.”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It may have a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling; however, errors do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and words are spelled correctly. (“Helping a nearby zoo is a good deed that you will probably never forget doing! Helping a nearby zoo is like rewarding them for all of their hard work and care towards these animals. Of course, they get paid for it, but they sometimes save animal's lives, and provide care for those animals that need it. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Mom and Dad,

Have you ever wanted to take a zoo animal home? Well, I know everybody in this town wants to adopt a pet. A zoo should allow people to interact a little with the animals. Well, nobody can if the zoo doesn't allow people to adopt the animals! So, since so many people were complaining, the zoo opened a program called "Adopt a Pet!" This program allows you to adopt a pet from the zoo and I was hoping you would allow me to adopt a koala! I mean, it's so cute and cuddly, and all you need to buy for it is some leaves to eat! I will take responsibility for everything. We can also help the zoo by giving it money!

Just take me to the zoo and I will go get us a koala. The friendly zoo keeper even said that he would give us a two month supply for only four dollars! If you are still not convinced, then listen to this. If we get a pet, the pet will teach me responsibility. I will become a more responsible and mature person for my age because I will do everything I can. I will feed it, give it a shower, and I will even comb its hair after I give it a shower.

Will you please let me get a pet? All of my friends’ parents gave them permission to adopt a pet! They said they don't mind at all. One of my friends got a koala and she said it was really easy to watch! You won't have to worry about a thing!

Please let me get a koala. It can really bring happiness to the family, that way when I'm bored I can play with my sweet, loving koala! I also know for sure that the koala will love you as much as you love me. So, please, I want a koala!

Your loving daughter,

Leona

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the response. The essay satisfies many parts of the prompt task. The writer establishes an opinion about adopting a koala from the zoo and adequately attempts to persuade readers . The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“Have you ever wanted to take a zoo animal home? Well, I know everybody in this town wants to adopt a pet. A zoo should allow people to interact a little with the animals. Well, nobody can if the zoo doesn't allow people to adopt the animals! So, since so many people were complaining, the zoo opened a program called ‘Adopt a Pet!’ This program allows you to adopt a pet from the zoo and I was hoping you would allow me to adopt a koala! I mean, it's so cute and cuddly, and all you need to buy for it is some leaves to eat! I will take responsibility for everything. We can also help the zoo by giving it money!”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Just take me to the zoo and I will go get us a koala. The friendly zoo keeper even said that he would give us a two month supply for only four dollars! If you are still not convinced, then listen to this. If we get a pet, the pet will teach me responsibility. I will become a more responsible and mature person for my age because I will do everything I can. I will feed it, give it a shower, and I will even comb its hair after I give it a shower.”)

The writer uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; the writer rarely or does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“Have you ever wanted to take a zoo animal home? Well, I know everybody in this town wants to adopt a pet. A zoo should allow people to interact a little with the animals. Well, nobody can if the zoo doesn't allow people to adopt the animals! So, since so many people were complaining, the zoo opened a program called ‘Adopt a Pet!’ This program allows you to adopt a pet from the zoo and I was hoping you would allow me to adopt a koala!”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some details to support the writer’s position. However, t he writer only briefly, and not explicitly, addresses the readers’ opposing counterarguments. Additionally, incorporating more specific, accurate, and relevant supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate main ideas would make the essay more convincing.

Most of the writer’s details are convincing. (“This program allows you to adopt a pet from the zoo and I was hoping you would allow me to adopt a koala! I mean, it's so cute and cuddly, and all you need to buy for it is some leaves to eat! I will take responsibility for everything. We can also help the zoo by giving it money!”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“Just take me to the zoo and I will go get us a koala. The friendly zoo keeper even said that he would give us a two month supply for only four dollars! If you are still not convinced, then listen to this. If we get a pet, the pet will teach me responsibility. I will become a more responsible and mature person for my age because I will do everything I can. I will feed it, give it a shower, and I will even comb its hair after I give it a shower.”)

The writer does not explicitly address counterarguments; however, it can be inferred that the writer’s parents may object to the cost, responsibility, and work involved in caring for the animal. A solid persuasive argument always addresses the counter viewpoints, and in this case, the writer could devote more content to a paragraph earmarked for opposing viewpoints. The writer can integrate statistics, examples, or experiences to bolster this section of the essay. (“Just take me to the zoo and I will go get us a koala. The friendly zoo keeper even said that he would give us a two month supply for only four dollars! If you are still not convinced, then listen to this. If we get a pet, the pet will teach me responsibility. I will become a more responsible and mature person for my age because I will do everything I can. I will feed it, give it a shower, and I will even comb its hair after I give it a shower. Will you please let me get a pet? All of my friends’ parents gave them permission to adopt a pet! They said they don't mind at all. One of my friends got a koala and she said it was really easy to watch! You won't have to worry about a thing!”)

Organization

The writer provides adequate organization in the essay. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is adequate use of paragraphing and transitional devices. Overall, the writer’s message is adequate for the task presented.

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs readers’ attention. (“Dear Mom and Dad, Have you ever wanted to take a zoo animal home? Well, I know everybody in this town wants to adopt a pet. A zoo should allow people to interact a little with the animals. Well, nobody can if the zoo doesn't allow people to adopt the animals! So, since so many people were complaining, the zoo opened a program called ‘Adopt a Pet!’ This program allows you to adopt a pet from the zoo and I was hoping you would allow me to adopt a koala!”)

The writer uses subtle transitions to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. (“Just take me to the zoo and I will go get us a koala. The friendly zoo keeper even said that he would give us a two month supply for only four dollars! If you are still not convinced, then listen to this. If we get a pet, the pet will teach me responsibility.”) Transitional words help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected.

The writer’s conclusion adequately wraps up his/her argument. (“Please let me get a koala. It can really bring happiness to the family, that way when I'm bored I can play with my sweet, loving koala! I also know for sure that the koala will love you as much as you love me. So, please, I want a koala! Your loving daughter, Leona”) The writer should consider restating some of his/her points and then guiding the readers to what they should think about or do next.

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits adequate language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. It generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“Well, nobody can if the zoo doesn't allow people to adopt the animals! So, since so many people were complaining, the zoo opened a program called ‘Adopt a Pet!’ This program allows you to adopt a pet from the zoo and I was hoping you would allow me to adopt a koala! I mean, it's so cute and cuddly, and all you need to buy for it is some leaves to eat!”)

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“Will you please let me get a pet? All of my friends’ parents gave them permission to adopt a pet! They said they don't mind at all. One of my friends got a koala and she said it was really easy to watch! You won't have to worry about a thing!”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments in the essay. (“Just take me to the zoo and I will go get us a koala. The friendly zoo keeper even said that he would give us a two month supply for only four dollars! If you are still not convinced, then listen to this. If we get a pet, the pet will teach me responsibility. I will become a more responsible and mature person for my age because I will do everything I can. I will feed it, give it a shower, and I will even comb its hair after I give it a shower.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates adequate control of mechanics and conventions . The essay contains some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), end with appropriate punctuation marks, and begin with capital letters. Paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and most word choices are spelled correctly. (“Just take me to the zoo and I will go get us a koala. The friendly zoo keeper even said that he would give us a two month supply for only four dollars! If you are still not convinced, then listen to this. If we get a pet, the pet will teach me responsibility.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I would like to have a pretty penguin if I could adopt a certain animal. I want a penguin because it will give me an opportunity to show my parents that I can be responsible. I wanted that penguin so bad and sometimes I wish I could have an awesome animal! My parents were still thinking about it. These penguins were cute, cuddly and they were the perfect pets for me. These are some reasons why I want the penguin.

One reason is it matches my personality because it is cute and it wobbles just like me. It is so cute because it is tiny, black and white, and I just love small penguins. It also wobbles just like me but I can't wobble as great as a penguin. He's like an animal in an awesome tuxedo. He's just like me and please let me have him. He isn't as messy as I. You can't help how cute he is.

I think the family would like an exotic animal in the house. He is a wonderful plesure in the house and I will watch him and I will help you buy everything that the penguin needs. Well, I explained everything that I could and I hope you will let me have the penguin. I asked my parents one more time and they said it was okay. I started jumping up and down. I was so excited. I got my penguin and I hugged him so tight. I love my new penguin. Now that I adopted it I love my beautiful penguin to death and I won't let it out of my sight.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion on the argument of adopting a penguin from the local zoo, but may be unclear or underdeveloped in providing supporting ideas. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“ I would like to have a pretty penguin if I could adopt a certain animal. I want a penguin because it will give me an opportunity to show my parents that I can be responsible. I wanted that penguin so bad and sometimes I wish I could have an awesome animal! My parents were still thinking about it. ”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument, but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“One reason is it matches my personality because it is cute and it wobbles just like me. It is so cute because it is tiny, black and white, and I just love small penguins. It also wobbles just like me but I can't wobble as great as a penguin. ”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer does attempt to address readers, but uses very limited persuasive terms to convince readers of his/her point of view. (“ I think the family would like an exotic animal in the house. He is a wonderful plesure in the house and I will watch him and I will help you buy everything that the penguin needs. Well, I explained everything that I could and I hope you will let me have the penguin. ”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the argument for adopting a penguin from the zoo. The writer does attempt to address readers, but does not integrate counterarguments into the essay.

The essay is limited in addressing readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“It also wobbles just like me but I can't wobble as great as a penguin. He's like an animal in an awesome tuxedo. He's just like me and please let me have him. He isn't as messy as I. You can't help how cute he is.”)

The writer includes a personal anecdote that attempts to explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“One reason is it matches my personality because it is cute and it wobbles just like me. It is so cute because it is tiny, black and white, and I just love small penguins. It also wobbles just like me but I can't wobble as great as a penguin. He's like an animal in an awesome tuxedo. He's just like me and please let me have him. He isn't as messy as I. You can't help how cute he is.”) Although this gives readers a limited amount of insight into the writer’s personal reasons for wanting a penguin, it is not an effective support for the argument.

The essay needs details that are clear, correct, and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas for watching the penguin and providing what it needs, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce the writer’s position on the issue. (“ I think the family would like an exotic animal in the house. He is a wonderful plesure in the house and I will watch him and I will help you buy everything that the penguin needs. Well, I explained everything that I could and I hope you will let me have the penguin. ”)

Organization

Organization of ideas in the essay is limited at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, incorporates the use of paragraphing, but lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The essay attempts to grab readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by asserting the kind of animal he/she would like to adopt from the zoo. (“I would like to have a pretty penguin if I could adopt a certain animal. I want a penguin because it will give me an opportunity to show my parents that I can be responsible. I wanted that penguin so bad and sometimes I wish I could have an awesome animal! My parents were still thinking about it. These penguins were cute, cuddly and they were the perfect pets for me. These are some reasons why I want the penguin.”)

Transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. Because of the lack of transitional devices, readers may not be led to a logical conclusion. (“One reason is it matches my personality because it is cute and it wobbles just like me. It is so cute because it is tiny, black and white, and I just love small penguins. It also wobbles just like me but I can't wobble as great as a penguin. He's like an animal in an awesome tuxedo. He's just like me and please let me have him. He isn't as messy as I. You can't help how cute he is.”) The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited way, but it does not restate arguments or leave readers with something to think about or tell them what to do next. (“I asked my parents one more time and they said it was okay. I started jumping up and down. I was so excited. I got my penguin and I hugged him so tight. I love my new penguin. Now that I adopted it I love my beautiful penguin to death and I won't let it out of my sight.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is limited. The writer demonstrates some awareness of audience and control of voice; however, the writer relies on simple language with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

The essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“I think the family would like an exotic animal in the house. He is a wonderful plesure in the house and I will watch him and I will help you buy everything that the penguin needs. Well, I explained everything that I could and I hope you will let me have the penguin. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. (“One reason is it matches my personality because it is cute and it wobbles just like me. It is so cute because it is tiny, black and white, and I just love small penguins. It also wobbles just like me but I can't wobble as great as a penguin. He's like an animal in an awesome tuxedo. He's just like me and please let me have him. He isn't as messy as I. You can't help how cute he is.”)

There is a limited variety of sentences in this essay. For example, the writer relies heavily on beginning numerous sentences with the word “He.” (“He's like an animal in an awesome tuxedo. He's just like me and please let me have him. He isn't as messy as I. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is limited control of mechanics and conventions in the essay. It has several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message.

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“I think the family would like an exotic animal in the house. He is a wonderful plesure in the house and I will watch him and I will help you buy everything that the penguin needs. Well, I explained everything that I could and I hope you will let me have the penguin. I asked my parents one more time and they said it was okay. I started jumping up and down. I was so excited. I got my penguin and I hugged him so tight. I love my new penguin. Now that I adopted it I love my beautiful penguin to death and I won't let it out of my sight.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear mom,

can I adopt a bear? But not any kind of bear, a black bear! It can a baby bear . I've got a name for him, it's Jeff. I'll love him and take very good care of him. Lots of people will love him.

First I'll buy him zoo, then buy food. I'll make him fat and very tall. he'll love us and his new home. he al so needs a bed. A xtra large bed. He can sleep inside, can't he? He'll be cold outside.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides minimal focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a minimal attempt at stating a position on the argument of adopting a bear from the zoo. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and, consequently, c ompletes few parts of the task.

The essay minimally states an opinion about the issue of adopting an animal from the zoo. (“ can I adopt a bear? But not any kind of bear, a black bear! ”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended readers. (“I've got a name for him, it's Jeff. I'll love him and take very good care of him. Lots of people will love him.”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“ First I'll buy him zoo, then buy food. I'll make him fat and very tall. he'll love us and his new home. he al so needs a bed. A xtra large bed. ”)

Content & Development

The writer does not provide specific or relevant content and development to convince the readers of his/her stance on the position of adopting an animal from the zoo. The essay lays out arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position. The writer does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, resulting in a one-sided essay that is minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion statement. (“ It can a baby bear . I've got a name for him, it's Jeff. I'll love him and take very good care of him. Lots of people will love him. ”)

Because the writer’s response to the prompt task is minimal, the essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. The writer should keep in mind that each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“First I'll buy him zoo, then buy food. I'll make him fat and very tall. he'll love us and his new home. he al so needs a bed. A xtra large bed. He can sleep inside, can't he? He'll be cold outside.”)

Organization

The essay contains minimal organization. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“Dear mom, can I adopt a bear? But not any kind of bear, a black bear! It can a baby bear . I've got a name for him, it's Jeff.”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position effectively. Also, transitions are minimally included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“ First I'll buy him zoo, then buy food. I'll make him fat and very tall. he'll love us and his new home. he al so needs a bed. A xtra large bed. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the main argument; it does not leave readers with something to think about, nor does it tell them what to do next. (“He can sleep inside, can't he? He'll be cold outside.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in MY Access! Word Bank. By incorporating more persuasive word choices into the essay, the writer would create a more effective argument. (“I'll make him fat and very tall. he'll love us and his new home. he al so needs a bed. A xtra large bed. He can sleep inside, can't he? He'll be cold outside.”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer employs short, choppy sentences that contain repetitive ideas. (“can I adopt a bear? But not any kind of bear, a black bear! It can a baby bear . I've got a name for him, it's Jeff. I'll love him and take very good care of him. Lots of people will love him.”)

The writer does not provide a clear voice that emphasizes his/her position on the argument of adopting a zoo animal. (“I'll make him fat and very tall. he'll love us and his new home.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization, many words are spelled incorrectly, and there are short, choppy sentences and sentence fragments. (“ First I'll buy him zoo, then buy food. I'll make him fat and very tall. he'll love us and his new home. he al so needs a bed. A xtra large bed. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

If I could adopt a Ball Python. I would name it Blane because I now that my brother would like that because he going to be just like Blake & Me because we love Reptiles. The cage would have coon skull for it to shed on & have a turtul shell to hide in the resoon I named it Blane because I had a brother named Blane but when he was born he died so now I have one brother& one sister.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate focus and meaning. The essay satisfies few requirements of the task. The writer demonstrates almost no effort at stating an opinion for the argument presented, and little effort is made to persuade readers in any way.

The essay reveals which animal the writer would like to adopt; however, the response fails to include a detailed supporting argument to persuade readers. (“ If I could adopt a Ball Python. I would name it Blane because I now that my brother would like that because he going to be just like Blake & Me because we love Reptiles. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate persuasive language. (“The cage would have coon skull for it to shed on & have a turtul shell to hide in the resoon I named it Blane because I had a brother named Blane but when he was born he died so now I have one brother& one sister.”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and the intended audience are not clearly identified. (“ If I could adopt a Ball Python. I would name it Blane because I now that my brother would like that because he going to be just like Blake & Me because we love Reptiles. ”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate content and development. The writer makes little attempt to use details to support the arguments and the writer ’s position on the issue of adopting a zoo animal. The essay does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. (“If I could adopt a Ball Python. I would name it Blane because I now that my brother would like that because he going to be just like Blake & Me because we love Reptiles. ”)

Since the one-paragraph response is so brief, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs. (“If I could adopt a Ball Python. I would name it Blane because I now that my brother would like that because he going to be just like Blake & Me because we love Reptiles. The cage would have coon skull for it to shed on & have a turtul shell to hide in the resoon I named it Blane because I had a brother named Blane but when he was born he died so now I have one brother& one sister.”) Additionally, at least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument.

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. The writer merely states how he/she wants a ball python and why the name of the snake would be significant. (“The cage would have coon skull for it to shed on & have a turtul shell to hide in the resoon I named it Blane because I had a brother named Blane but when he was born he died so now I have one brother& one sister.”)

Organization

The organization of the essay is inadequate . It demonstrates no evidence of structure and lacks a recognizable introduction and conclusion. Also, there is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices used in the essay.

The essay does not create effective supporting paragraphs. (“ I would name it Blane because I now that my brother would like that because he going to be just like Blake & Me because we love Reptiles. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay or leave readers with something to think about or tell them what to do next. (“The cage would have coon skull for it to shed on & have a turtul shell to hide in the resoon I named it Blane because I had a brother named Blane but when he was born he died so now I have one brother& one sister.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer does not integrate effective use of language, voice, or style into the essay. He/she demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“If I could adopt a Ball Python. I would name it Blane because I now that my brother would like that because he going to be just like Blake & Me because we love Reptiles. ”) Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things more effectively.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“The cage would have coon skull for it to shed on & have a turtul shell to hide in the resoon I named it Blane because I had a brother named Blane but when he was born he died so now I have one brother& one sister.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. The writer neglects to address opposing points of view and, as a result, leaves the argument insufficient at best. (“If I could adopt a Ball Python. I would name it Blane because I now that my brother would like that because he going to be just like Blake & Me because we love Reptiles. The cage would have coon skull for it to shed on & have a turtul shell to hide in the resoon I named it Blane because I had a brother named Blane but when he was born he died so now I have one brother& one sister.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. It has errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that significantly interferes with the communication of the writer’s message.

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“The cage would have coon skull for it to shed on & have a turtul shell to hide in the resoon I named it Blane because I had a brother named Blane but when he was born he died so now I have one brother& one sister.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Asking for a New Pet

A new pet can bring with it many great memories but also new challenges. Imagine that your parents are considering bringing a new pet into the family. What type of pet do you think your family should adopt? How will this pet change your family for the better and bring more fun into the household?

In a persuasive letter, write to your parents asking them to choose your idea for a new pet. Include facts and details to support your request.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

One of the things I have always wanted is a true friend that would never leave me and that I could call my own. Clearly, the best choice is to get a dog. I have three great reasons why I should be allowed to get a dog. First, science proves that if you have a pet you will live a longer healthier life. Also, it is a good way to learn to be more responsible. Lastly, they are good companions. As you read below I know you will find yourself buying me a dog later on.

As I told you before, getting a pet will help me to live a longer healthier life. Do you know why it helps? Well I will tell you, when you have a pet it decreases depression and increases happiness and I know you want me to be happy and not depressed later on in my life. Plus, depression is bad on your brain it causes stress on it and can cause me to get over whelmed in school. Now I know how upset you get when you here or see that I got a bad report card so lets not let that happen because I don't like getting bad grades either.

Now being happy leads into my net reason they are good companions. If I get board I can play with it. This way I will never get board. Getting a dog would change my schedule. I would be playing with the dog almost twenty four seven. Also, if I get angry (which wont happen when I get a dog) I can play with it and cool off. It not only helps me but it also helps you because you don't have to deal with me yelling at the top of my lungs. Finally, not only is all of this healthy for me but it is also healthy for the dog because it is getting company and getting played with. Everyone should have a companion to play with.

My last reason is that I will learn responsibility. I learn more about responsibility because I am taking care of another living thing. I am taking on responsibilities like washing the dog it will help me wash cars. I will be feeding it which later on will help me feed you when you get old. These are all life skills I will use later on in my life and all you have to do is get me a dog.

Now, I know that you have a whole different opinion about all of this. Before you ask, yes, I know the first argument you want to make is that “they are too expensive.” Well, what if I told you that if you get them at a pound they are less than $100? It’s true. Also, I will pay for the food, shampoo, brush, and any other things the dog will need with my allowance. Second, You might try to argue they are way too much work. Well, what if I told you that I will give it baths, wake up early to walk it, and feed it every day. Lastly, I promise that I won't let it interfere with my school work, because I will be giving it baths on the weekends and I will finish my homework at day care. I know that you might say that they are too messy or too stinky, but I promise that I will give it a bath every other week and we can also leave it outside. You might say that that they are loud, but not all dogs are like that and larger dogs don't bark as much.

So now that you have read my paper, the choice is all yours, but I am telling you that you would be making a big mistake by refusing. So remember getting a dog will help me in responsibility, it will give me a companion, and live better. Thank you for your time.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . It establishes and maintains an insightful opinion or thesis statement to effectively persuade the readers. It demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, completes all parts of the task, and may go beyond the limits of the task. The essay opens with a plea to allow the author to get a dog. The basic elements of the essay are effectively mapped out. The thesis is very effective. All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; the writer does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. Essays at this level will rarely, if ever, have any irrelevant information. (“ First, science proves that if you have a pet you will live a longer healthier life. Also, it is a good way to learn to be more responsible. Lastly, they are good companions. As you read below I know you will find yourself buying me a dog later on.”)

Content & Development

The essay has very effective content and development. It effectively develops arguments, u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. It convincingly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The essay addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with the author’s own opinion. The writer effectively restates questions and counterarguments as another detail to add to his/her reasons and support. The writer starts a paragraph with a counterargument and opposes it throughout the paragraph. The author effectively includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. The conclusion is effective and leaves readers with something to think about. Essays at this level may offer a call for action. Finally, the author offers an effective counterargument. (“ Now, I know that you have a whole different opinion about all of this so I am going to tell you that. Yes, I know the first one is always they are too expensive. Well what if I told you that if you get them at a pound they are less than $100. Also, I will pay for the food, shampoo, brush, and any other things with my allowance.”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. Effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices is evident throughout. The essay’s introduction effectively provides background information to help readers understand the issue. (“One of the things I have always wanted is a true friend that would never leave me and that I could call my own. Clearly, the best choice is to get a dog.”) Transitions are used effectively throughout the essay to move between ideas. Each paragraph has a topic sentence that is supported by several details within that paragraph. Reasons are presented in a logical order. (“My last reason is that I will learn responsibility. I learn more about responsibility because I am taking care of another living thing. I am taking on responsibilities like washing the dog it will help me wash cars.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has very effective language use and style. It demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, a clear sense of audience, and uses well-structured and varied sentences. The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. The language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“Now being happy leads into my net reason they are good companions. If I get board I can play with it. This way I will never get board. Getting a dog would change my schedule. I would be playing with the dog almost twenty four seven.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of conventions and mechanics. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break or indentation, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. Essays at the level for upper elementary may exhibit some errors in mechanics and conventions, but most essays at this level should be error free. (“ I know that you might say that they are too messy or too stinky, but I promise that I will give it a bath every other week and we can also leave it outside. You might say that that they are loud, but not all dogs are like that and larger dogs don't bark as much.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Arf! Arf! I look around the pet shop. German Shepherd? Golden Retriever? Arf! Arf! A dog is the perfect pet for me. Having a dog is a great way to learn responsibility, it is a new experience for me, and it will give me protection.

All kids need to learn responsibility and having a dog is the perfect way to learn it. I will learn how to take care of my animals, other than my fish. I would learn how to feed a dog, clean up after it and train it. And cleaning up after it is not a source of merriment. Plus lots of people have dogs, If I get one, I would be able to take care of my friend's dogs when they are out of town. Also, when you have responsibility, people will trust you more.

Doesn't everyone say that you should try new things? Well having a dog is a great new experience for me. I have never had a pet before besides a fish. What do fish do? They swim and eat. That's all. If I have a dog, my life would be elated. When nobody is at home I would have my dog with me. I could go out to my front or backyard and teach it tricks and play with it. Also, playing with it will give me a great amount of exercise. I also will not be alone. Don't you think that is a good idea for someone to keep me company when i'm alone? I think it is. A dog would be a great addition to our family.

There should be protection in the house at all times. An alarm is not enough. A dog could help. If I had a dog, it would know when someone is coming that is not a friend of ours. If robbers came, I would have my dog. It would bark and scare away the person. Also, if I am alone, i think it would be safer to have my dog right beside. It would make me less uneasy and make me more protected. I would train my dog to know family and friends from criminals. Having a dog would our life more elated and protected.

I understand that dogs can be expensive, but think of all the ways it could help us. It would be worth it. I am only a kid but i can handle the responsibility of taking care of a dog. Dogs need to go to the vet a lot when they are sick or if they are getting a shot, but if you know how to take care of one and keep it well fed and healthy, I am sure that the visits to the vet will be less frequent. Taking care of your dog will give you less time to do homework. Yes but feeding your dog will not that long and you probably do not have to clean you dog every day.

Getting a dog will increase responsibility, it is a new experience, and it provides protection.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has good focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains a clear thesis statement to persuade the readers. It d emonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience and completes most parts of the task. The essay establishes the thesis in the first paragraph. Despite the fact that it is very short, it does attempt to be creative. The essay maintains good focus throughout the essay. Essays at this level for upper elementary may occasionally offer one or two pieces of irrelevant information.

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. It develops arguments using sufficient specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. Readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments are clearly addressed. The essay addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with the thesis by directly offering a counterargument. The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“I understand that dogs can be expensive, but think of all the ways it could help us. It would be worth it. I am only a kid but i can handle the responsibility of taking care of a dog.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion and consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. The essay states the thesis at the end of the introduction. The essay could use more effective transitions, but it does not suffer too much from this absence. Reasons are presented in a logical order, with each paragraph making a different argument. There is a counterargument in the fifth paragraph, which is as well detailed as any of the others. Unfortunately, the essay is missing a substantive conclusion. It only briefly recaps the arguments presented in the essay. (“Getting a dog will increase responsibility, it is a new experience, and it provides protection.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has good language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience and uses well-structured sentences with some variety. The essay uses language to make the arguments more persuasive. The language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. While the essay is occasionally informal, the majority of the content is professional and on topic. (“Doesn't everyone say that you should try new things? Well having a dog is a great new experience for me. I have never had a pet before besides a fish. What do fish do? They swim and eat. That's all. If I have a dog, my life would be elated.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of conventions and mechanics. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, which do not interfere with the message. For example, most or all sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with a punctuation mark, paragraphs are distinguished by a line break or indentation, and sentences begin with a capital letter. Essays at this level for upper elementary will occasionally make errors with mechanics and conventions, but the vast majority of the content is correct, and it rarely, if ever, impedes meaning. (“There should be protection in the house at all times. An alarm is not enough. A dog could help. If I had a dog, it would know when someone is coming that is not a friend of ours. If robbers came, I would have my dog. It would bark and scare away the person.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Mom and Dad,

You know that I have been begging you guys for a dog. I think it's a good idea because I can show how responsible I can be and it would be a lot of fun. It would be a dog that the entire family would love and get to play with.

I would like to have a dog because I can teach him fun tricks. I can teach him how to catch a ball or how to run after a Frisbee. We can show him to other dogs and see if he is a good dog. This way we’ll know he’s well behaved. It would be nice to take him to the beach and teach him how to swim. We can also chase seagulls too!

It would be fun to take care of him. I would make sure I take it out for long walks at the park, giving him a bath, and feed him. I will make sure it has the best nutrition by buying the best food I can find for him. I won't even care about picking up his "mess!" You won’t have to worry about doing this yourself.

The only bad part is I need to worry about is when he gets sick. He could have a upset stomach, fleas, or a ton of other diseases that I don't want to mention. Luckily we can see a vet. He or she can take care of the problems that he has. Then, when he gets back, he will be as good as new!

I hope you agree to get a dog. I think it will be a lot of fun for us as a family.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It establishes an opinion/position/thesis statement and adequately attempts to persuade the readers. It also demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience and completes many parts of the task. Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. The thesis adequately states what the author believes about the issue. The language of the thesis fits the examples. The essay mostly uses words that are appropriate for the audience. It rarely or does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“I think it's a good idea because I can show how responsible I can be and it would be a lot of fun. It would be a dog that the entire family would love and get to play with.”)

Content & Development

Organization

The essay has adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion and inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. The introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. The introduction gives background information to help readers understand the issue. Transitional words are at least occasionally used to help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. Reasons are presented in a logical order. The conclusion adequately wraps up the argument.

Language Use & Style

The essay has adequate language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice and generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. Word choice is sometimes poor. The language and tone are mostly consistent throughout the essay. (“The only bad part is I need to worry about is when he gets sick. He could have a upset stomach, fleas, or a ton of other diseases that I don't want to mention. Luckily we can see a vet.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has adequate control of conventions and mechanics. It has some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb, many sentences end with a punctuation mark, many paragraphs are distinguished by a line break or indentation, and many sentences begin with a capital letter. This essay occasionally misses or misuses punctuation, but the errors that are present do not significantly interfere with the message. (“Luckily we can see a vet. He or she can take care of the problems that he has. Then, when he gets back, he will be as good as new!”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Mom and Dad,

Please, please, please, please!!! I need one I really do. What couldn't you like about them? Their so much fun!

Number One they are always fun and cuddly. Whenever you are sad they make you feel btter by cuddling with you because they try to make you happy. They always succeed.

Number two they are fun to play with when you are bored and have no one to play with. You can throw a ball and they catch it in their mouthand want you to throw it again for them. It is really fun to watch them swim for the ball when you throw it in the ocean for them. Their little paws make them swim really fast!

Number three it makes you laugh when they roll over on their little bellies and want you to rub it for them. It makes you happy when you come home and you see them roll over right infront of you. They look way to cute when they stretch!!!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It states an opinion/position/thesis statement, but it may be unclear or underdeveloped. It demonstrates limited understanding of the purpose and audience and completes some parts of the task. Essays at this level may not have a clear thesis or may not even have a thesis at all, depending on the level of detail provided in the rest of the essay. This essay does provide some hints as to what the author is talking about, but they never actually state what it is they are asking for. Not once in the entire essay do they state that they are seeking a dog, although contextual clues indicate that is the case. (“Please, please, please, please!!! I need one I really do. What couldn't you like about them? Their so much fun!”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. It develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support the writer’s position. The essay attempts to address readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The writer includes some facts, statistics, examples, or short stories that explain or illustrate his or her opinion. There is, however, a lack of detail when describing each argument. Some of the ideas presented are convincing, but they do not provide much detail. There is no attempt to counter the arguments a parent might make. (“It is really fun to watch them swim for the ball when you throw it in the ocean for them. Their little paws make them swim really fast!”)

Organization

The essay has limited organization. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion and lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices. The essay’s introduction is very limited and does not adequately state a thesis. They do attempt to separate ideas by paragraphs and each paragraph does attempt to address a reason why they should be allowed to get a pet. There are three such paragraphs, but there is no counterargument presented. There is no attempt at providing a conclusion. The author uses very basic transitions that attempt to list ideas, but they are not used effectively. (“Number three it makes you laugh when they roll over on their little bellies and want you to rub it for them. It makes you happy when you come home and you see them roll over right infront of you.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has limited language use and style. It demonstrates simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice. Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. Sentences in the essay lack well-developed structure. (“ Number two they are fun to play with when you are bored and have no one to play with.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has limited control of conventions and mechanics. It has several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. The essay should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing. Essays at this level begin to have errors that interfere with the author’s intended message. (“You can throw a ball and they catch it in their mouthand want you to throw it again for them. It is really fun to watch them swim for the ball when you throw it in the ocean for them.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Asking for a New Pet

Dear Mom and Dad,

I am Asking for a new pet. It well be a chang for melike I well give my new pet a walk. There is a lot I can do with my pet.It could bring more fun into the home.I think it well be good to have a new pet os let get one. I think we showed get a dog.here are soe things well do for the pet I can clean it if it make a mess. I can give it a bath I well do it.It could make the amiy happpy.I hope we can abopt a new pt. I don’t think it well run a away like my cat did. I like to play with Jennfer pet .I know a lot of kids areaking for a new pet like I am.I know I know a new pet is a lot to ask for. Hey mom and dad dd you wont a new pet ate my age os momdad we should get a new pet come on now. how come we can't get a new pet come on I am asking you for one thing am asking for a new pet how hard is it to say yes or no just say yes or no don't say may'b.say yes or n ok I rell.It would be nice to have a new pet I hope you say yes. Mom and Dad can e get a new pet?y

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. It demonstrates little attempt at stating an opinion. It demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and c ompletes few parts of the task. The essay provides a very short thesis at the very beginning, in which the author asks for a pet. They then proceed to offer several reasons why they should do so. In this way, the author does stay on topic. The essay does not provide a clever introduction. Although there is a consistent voice, the essay uses very informal language. (“Dear Mom and Dad, I am Asking for a new pet. It well be a chang for melike I well give my new pet a walk. There is a lot I can do with my pet.It could bring more fun into the home.I think it well be good to have a new pet os let get one.”)

Content & Development

The essay has minimal content and development. It develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position. Essays at this level may or may not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the opinion statement. The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. Each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. Details (specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are minimal, and important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“I can give it a bath I well do it.It could make the amiy happpy.I hope we can abopt a new pt. I don’t think it well run a away like my cat did.”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. It demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. There is virtually no organization in this particular essay. The author does not attempt to separate ideas or provide a substantive introduction or conclusion, and it does not make any effort to counter opposing arguments. (“I like to play with Jennfer pet .I know a lot of kids areaking for a new pet like I am.I know I know a new pet is a lot to ask for.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has minimal language use and style. It demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience. It also makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. Sentences are not well structured and can either be too long or too short. There is also a minimal variety of sentences. (“It could bring more fun into the home.I think it well be good to have a new pet os let get one. I think we showed get a dog.here are soe things well do for the pet I can clean it if it make a mess.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has minimal control of conventions and mechanics. It has patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. This essay has a serious number of mistakes to the point that readers can barely interpret what the author is trying to say. At the middle- and high-school levels, this would likely receive a score point of 1, but considering this is upper elementary, and the author does provide a few details and facts to support the thesis, it was given a score point of 2. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing. (“I hope we can abopt a new pt. I don’t think it well run a away like my cat did. I like to play with Jennfer pet .I know a lot of kids areaking for a new pet like I am.I know I know a new pet is a lot to ask for.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

oren johnson

writing eassy

I enjoy animals i have 2 cats in 6 dogs so i really have fun with them.

my mommy buy them them food in snacks for them we play tricks with them feed them in take them out.

my mom even run with them she walk dogs in my famliy also brush them with a doggy-brush .

we also take them a bath .I mean i never had fun like this befor my mom take them a ride in the cat in with the animals. so lets get another.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate or no focus and meaning. It demonstrates almost no effort at stating an opinion/position/thesis statement and little effort is made to persuade. It completes few or no parts of the task. The essay does not state a clearly defined position about the issue. The author does not illustrate an understanding of audience because he/she does not use appropriate language. The essay lacks awareness of audience by including slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. The essay is on topic in only the most basic way in that they are discussing animals. It would be marked as off topic if they did not mention the possibility of getting another at the end of the essay. (“I enjoy animals i have 2 cats in 6 dogs so i really have fun with them.my mommy buy them them food in snacks for them we play tricks with them feed them in take them out.”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate or no content and development. There is little or no attempt made to use details to support the arguments and the writer ’s position. It does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The essay does not or includes very few details to support the stated opinion. There are no main ideas in the body paragraphs. At least three main ideas are not included as supports for the argument. The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support each main idea.

Organization

The essay has inadequate or no organization. It demonstrates no evidence of structure with no introduction or conclusion and no evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. The essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. The writer does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact to hook the readers. The essay does not create effective supporting paragraphs. Transitional words were not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. The essay does not include a strong conclusion.

Language Use & Style

The essay has inadequate language use and style. It demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“I enjoy animals i have 2 cats in 6 dogs so i really have fun with them.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has inadequate or no control of conventions and mechanics. It has errors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message. The essay does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing. (“my mom even run with them she walk dogs in my famliy also brush them with a doggy-brush .we also take them a bath .I mean i never had fun like this befor my mom take them a ride in the cat in with the animals.”)

Backpacks in the Classroom

“The school district is deciding whether or not students should be permitted to bring backpacks into the classroom. Some individuals feel that students should be allowed to have backpacks in the classroom so that they have access to all their school materials. Others feel that carrying backpacks from classroom to classroom creates unnecessary confusion and presents a health risk to students.

Do you think that students should or should not be allowed to bring backpacks into classrooms? Write an essay to persuade the principal to agree with your position. Be sure to support your position with examples and facts from your experience and reading.”

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Mr. Teacher,

I believe backpacks should be allowed in the classroom because they allow student to have all supplies handy at a needed time. Also they keep items in one spot at all times, if we didn't have backpacks then what would we carry our paper, books, pencils, and other supplies. Backpacks keep students items safe and in one place at all times and we need them.

Items are easy to locate and keep organized in backpacks. Without them in the class students items would be everywhere. Children couldn't locate anything on their desk. Without backpacks with them noone could find pencils or other supplies. We would come unprepared to class all the time. The students that keep all provisions in their backpack at all times they may forget supplies in their backpack ad have to disrupt class to go out in the hallway to retrieve their items. For the students that loose or forget their homework at home on a regular basis and have the option of putting it in their backpack as soon as it's completed that option is taken away. Also the school would have to purchase a class set of books because students couldn't carry all books in their hands. Backpacks keep students organized and prepared for class.

If back packs were left in the hallway passing students could rummage through their peers backpacks. Keeping backpacks in the classroom keeps items safe. In the hallway students personal items are open for anyone to go through. How would you feel if teachers could walk into each others classrooms and go through their desks and take what they please? Why do students have to keep their supplies outside but teachers can keep their provisions in their desk? Students want to keep their backpacks in the classroom so why cant we?

I know that some people think that backpacks cause confusion and create a health hazard but bot these problems can be easily solved. If students placed a unique symbol or wrote their name on their backpack noone would get confused about which backpack belongs to them. Also if the school allowed students to keep their backpacks with them you would never have to leave your backpack so it couldn't get confused with another students. Backpacks would not cause a health hazard if students kept their backpacks under their chair or desk. This proposal would avoid any injury. How can people trip or fall if their out of the isle?

In conclusion backpacks aren't such a bad thing. They keep students items safe, keep items organized, help students stay prepared for class, and don't cause a problem. So if it were up to me I would let students keep their backpacks. I hope you consider my ideas. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Student A

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay’s focus and meaning are very effective. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful position to effectively persuade the reader that backpacks should be allowed in the classroom. (“I believe backpacks should be allowed in the classroom because they allow student to have all supplies handy at a needed time”). A thorough understanding of the purpose and audience is demonstrated. In addition, all parts of the task are completed effectively.

Content & Development

The content of this essay is developed very effectively. Arguments are fully developed, u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position that backpacks should be allowed in the classroom. The author also convincingly addresses the counterargument of why backpacks should not be allowed in the classroom. (“I know that some people think that backpacks cause confusion and create a health hazard but bot these problems can be easily solved.”)

Organization

This essay is organized very effectively, with a cohesive and unified, five-paragraph structure, a strong introduction and conclusion, and transitional devices throughout. (“In conclusion backpacks aren't such a bad thing. They keep students items safe, keep items organized, help students stay prepared for class, and don't cause a problem.”)

Language Use & Style

The author’s use of language and style is highly effective throughout this essay. For example, precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience are seen; sentences are also well- structured and varied. (“If back packs were left in the hallway passing students could rummage through their peers backpacks.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates very effective control of conventions and mechanics throughout this essay, with few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever heard any students complain about backpacks? Your answer is probably no. The issue of backpacks being a health risk is often talked about. But if nothing has happened up till now, why would it start happening? I think that backpacks should be allowed in class.

First of all, If it was a health risk, why is it still permitted? After all , many things such as field trips are based on whether or not it is healthy or not. Everyone is aware of the fact that backpacks aren't good for your back. For example, in the P.E locker room, there is an article posted about this issue, and tips to making back pack carrying more comfortable. Back packs are still worn , and no ones backs are breaking. Since this is so, how is it suddenly a health risk?

Secondly, it is a rule to come prepared to school, and you cannot without your needed supplies. If backpacks are left outside, then it would cause confusion to have to go all the way outside, come back in , and continue on. Doing this also would waste alot of useful time. Why should we do waste time when theres a pain free way to learn without time wasted?

Some may say it would make more room in the classroom, but no one is cramped when we go to school now. No one ever complained that they didnt have enough personal space. Backpacks are put underneath tables, or on the back of a chair. I believe backpacks would be a bigger issue if the actual students complained, but no one has said any thing .

Without doubt, back packs do not need to be left outside. Every one is aware and knows the risks but still carry them. Also it is a rule to come prepared to school, and you cant do that if you are hurring to get stuff from your backpack. Lastly, students dont complain about personal space. To make more space, students could put their backpacks under their tables, or on the backs of their chairs. Backpacks are not hazardous to us, and we dont complain about them.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

A good focus and meaning areis demonstrated throughout this essay, which e stablishes and maintains a clear position to persuade the reader that backpacks should be allowed in the classroom. (“ But if nothing has happened up till now, why would it start happening? I think that backpacks should be allowed in class.”).

In addition, this essay d emonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience and completes most parts of the task.

Content & Development

The content of this essay is developed well. Arguments are developed using sufficient specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position that backpacks should be allowed in the classroom. In addition, this essay clearly addresses the counterargument of why backpacks should not be allowed in the classroom. (“Some may say it would make more room in the classroom, but no one is cramped when we go to school now. No one ever complained that they didnt have enough personal space. Backpacks are put underneath tables, or on the back of a chair.”)

Organization

Good Oorganization is seen throughout this essay. A mostly unified, five-paragraph structure with a good introduction and conclusion and transitional devices are demonstrated by the author. (“Secondly, it is a rule to come prepared to school, and you cannot without your needed supplies.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style seen throughout this essay is good, as it uses appropriate language and word choice, with evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. Furthermore, sentences are well -structured with some variety. (“To make more space, students could put their backpacks under their tables, or on the backs of their chairs. Backpacks are not hazardous to us, and we dont complain about them.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author establishes good control of mechanics and conventions throughout this written work. Few Although there are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, they do not interfere with the author’s message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"Man that is a pickle." Our school district is deciding whether or not students should be permitted to bring backpacks into the classroom. People think that not bringing your backpacks could be better and safer, and other people think the other way. If I were to pick an opinion, I would say that, yes we should be permitted to bring our backpacks to school.

I say that because in your backpack you have little bit of privacy and all that good stuff. Your backpack is very helpful to, I mean you could store your books, binder, notebooks, pencils, and other objects that you carry around school campus. With out your backpack you have to carry objects in your hands and pockets. Their is people that use their backpacks to carry things that are not permitted in school like permitted markers to tag on walls, drugs, and candy to sell, but lets remember that theirs people that do use it in the right way.

I don't use a backpack. My older brother took it from me. I have to carry all my objects in my hands, and that is not cool. It really gets my hands tired, trust me. But I will get my backpacks soon. Not bringing backpacks does bring an interesting point. I mean, it could be safer. Their is people that could carry weapons, markers to tag, and other objects that could hurt you or offend you. But that cant stop us from bringing backpacks to school, they are very useful.

Well, that's what I think about backpacks. They can be use to do bad, inappropriate things, but they are very important to us students. That's what I would say if they ask me for my opinion. Backpacks rule!!!!!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay displays an adequate focus and meaning. It establishes a position and adequately attempts to persuade the reader that backpacks should be allowed in the classroom . (“If I were to pick an opinion, I would say that, yes we should be permitted to bring our backpacks to school”). Furthermore, this essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience and completes many parts of the task.

Content & Development

Adequate content and development are seen throughout this essay. Arguments using some specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position while briefly addressing the counterargument of why backpacks should not be allowed in the classroom. (“Not bringing backpacks does bring an interesting point. I mean, it could be safer. Their is people that could carry weapons, markers to tag, and other objects that could hurt you or offend you. But that cant stop us from bringing backpacks to school, they are very useful.”)

Organization

This essay is organized adequately. A generally unified, four-paragraph structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion is demonstrated, with little use of transitional devices, however. (“Well, that's what I think about backpacks. They can be use to do b ad, inappropriate things, but they are very important to us students.”)

Language Use & Style

The author’s use of language and style in this essay is adequate. Appropriate, but simpler, unsophisticated language and word choice are featured. There is some awareness of audience and control of voice, as well as generally correct sentence structure with some variety. (“Our school district is deciding whether or not students should be permitted to bring backpacks into the classroom. People think that not bringing your backpacks could be better and safer, and other people think the other way.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of conventions and mechanics throughout this essay is just adequate, as there are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. However, they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the a uthor’s message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The school distract is deciding whether or not students should be permitted to bring backpacks into the classroom. Some individuals feel that students should be allowed to have backpacks in the classroom so that they have access to all their school materials. Do you think we should have backpacks in the classroom? I think we shouldn't have backpacks at school because we don't want all our stuff to be crumbled up at the bottom of the backpack. Sometimes it is good and sometimes it is bad to have a backpack.

They're sometimes a problem to bring backpacks to school. Because teachers don't like them they think they distract as from learning. And most of the time the teachers trip. I feel that carrying backpacks from classroom to classroom creates unnecessary confusion and presents a health rick to students.

Anothers reason why we shouldn't bring backpacks to school is sometimes students bring items that aren't allowed at school or maybe they bring items that are illegal.Sometimes it's good and sometimes it's bad other people might say or think something different.But these are my facts.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of this essay is are limited. The author states his/her position that backpacks should not be allowed in the classroom, but it is unclear and underdeveloped, as opinions are stated with few relevant supporting details. (“I think we shouldn't have backpacks at school because we don't want all our stuff to be crumbled up at the bottom of the backpack. Sometimes it is good and sometimes it is bad to have a backpack”). In addition, this essay demonstrates limited understanding of the purpose and audience with only some parts of the task completed.

Content & Development

Limited content and development is are shown throughout this essay. Arguments are only developed briefly and inconsistently, using few and insufficient details to support the writer’s position that backpacks should not be allowed in the classroom. The writer does attempt to address the counterargument of why backpacks should be allowed in the classroom by saying that “sometimes it is good” to carry backpacks but without using sufficient details to support this opposing position. (“Sometimes it's good and sometimes it's bad other people might say or think something different.But these are my facts.”)

Organization

Organization is limited throughout this essay. There is some evidence of structure demonstrated within the three paragraphs with a noticeable introduction but uncertain conclusion; transitional devices are also lacking within the development of this essay. (“I think we shouldn't have backpacks at school because we don't want all our stuff to be crumbled up at the bottom of the backpack. Sometimes it is good and sometimes it is bad to have a backpack.”)

Language Use & Style

The author’s use of language and style within this essay is limited, as the writer relies on simple language and word choice. Some awareness of audience and control of voice is seen, but sentences are often simple with insufficient variety. Furthermore, the word “sometimes” is often used throughout the essay, which undermines the strength of the writer’s argument. (“They're sometimes a problem to bring backpacks to school. Because teachers don't like them they think they distract as from learning. And most of the time the teachers trip.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Limited control of conventions and mechanics is demonstrated by the writer of this essay. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the author’s message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

I think we should be able to bring bakpacks in th classroom. Not all kids can remember to bring all the items that are neededfor there class. Kids would interupt all the other students.kids would be crouded at the end of each class. there would just be to much interuption.

kids would constantly forget stuff.teachers would so frustrated after kid, after kid, after kid leaving the class to get stuff for the subject.there would need to be alot of passes made. kids wouldnt know what the teacher was saying wile the student was gone.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of this essay is are minimal, as there is little attempt at stating a strong position on the issue . (“ I think we should be able to bring bakpacks in th classroom”). The essay demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and c ompletes few parts of the task.

Content & Development

The content and development shown in this essay is are quite minimal with incompletely and inadequately developed arguments that use few details to support the writer’s position that backpacks should be used in the classroom. (“I think we should be able to bring bakpacks in th classroom. Not all kids can remember to bring all the items that are neededfor there class. Kids would interupt all the other students.kids would be crouded at the end of each class. there would just be to much interruption”). In addition, the writer does not make any attempt to address the counterargument.

Organization

Minimal organization is demonstrated in this essay, as there is little evidence of structure with no identifiable introduction and conclusion; instead, there are only two brief, underdeveloped paragraphs without the use of transitional devices. (“kids would constantly forget stuff.teachers would so frustrated after kid, after kid, after kid leaving the class to get stuff for the subject.there would need to be alot of passes made. kids wouldnt know what the teacher was saying wile the student was gone.”)

Language Use & Style

Minimal use of language and style is shown in this essay, which is dominated by poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience; basic errors are made in usage and sentence structure. (“kids would constantly forget stuff.teachers would so frustrated after kid, after kid, after kid leaving the class to get stuff for the subject.there would need to be alot of passes made. kids wouldnt know what the teacher was saying wile the student was gone.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates minimal control of mechanics and conventions. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the author’s message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I really like my backpack because I could carry my inprotent suff because I dont get tird with the backpacks.I really think that we should carry backpacks to school and I don't like to carry my folders and notebooks and the book because I get tird with the suff that I have to carry with me.I would not carry my book because they are to heve to carry to all the classes but things that we carry miet get wet because it is raining and sometime's people may bering the backpacks to bering drugs.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay contains an inadequate focus and meaning. Almost no effort is demonstrated in stating a position, and little effort is made to persuade the reader that backpacks should be allowed in the classroom, which appears to be the viewpoint of the author. (“I really think that we should carry backpacks to school and I don't like to carry my folders and notebooks and the book because I get tird with the suff that I have to carry with me”). Barely any parts of the task are completed.

Content & Development

The content and development of this essay is are inadequate. Little to no attempt is made in using details to support the writer’s position and the few, brief, often incoherent arguments. No attempt is made to address the counterargument. (“I really like my backpack because I could carry my inprotent suff because I dont get tird with the backpacks.I really think that we should carry backpacks to school and I don't like to carry my folders and notebooks and the book because I get tird with the suff that I have to carry with me.”)

Organization

This essay is organized inadequately, with no evidence of structure. The essay only consists of one paragraph with no apparent introduction or conclusion and no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices. (“I would not carry my book because they are to heve to carry to all the classes but things that we carry miet get wet because it is raining and sometime's people may bering the backpacks to bering drugs.”)

Language Use & Style

The author’s use of language and style throughout is inadequate and unclear. Language and word choice are incoherent with no apparent voice or awareness of audience and major errors in sentence structure and usage. (“I really like my backpack because I could carry my inprotent suff because I dont get tird with the backpacks.I really think that we should carry backpacks to school and I don't like to carry my folders and notebooks and the book because I get tird with the suff that I have to carry with me.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of conventions and mechanics in this essay is inadequate. Errors are so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the author’s message.

Career Day Speaker

Your principal has announced that students will choose this year's Career Day speaker by popular vote. Students will write an essay persuading classmates to vote for the person that they think has a career that will interest everyone. Who would you like to hear speak about a career? What would make this person's career interesting to your classmates?

In a detailed essay, convince your classmates to vote for the speaker of your choice. Include facts and details to support your selection.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Career day Speaker

Have you ever wondered what you need to do to actually become an astronaut? Do you know what I think will be the best career day speaker, an actual astronaut. They are very adventurous people, the astronaut will tell us about everything there is to know about space. Now you will be able to complete your dream of becoming a space man. He will also be able to tell you how to choose where to land. How long do you think a man is in a space shuttle on a normal mission? This person would also be one of a million people to actually be chosen to become an astronaut.

How many times have you been watching a show about space, then you wonder how are they doing all of those things with the space ship. Well, the astronaut will answer all of those questions you have. Like, how big is the actual space shuttle if you look at it from the inside? How many people can go into a space ship at one time? What does Earth look like from the window of the space shuttle? Many more questions will be answered about the space ship if you choose the astronaut.

The astronaut will be able to tell you what classes you have to take to join him in space. Have you ever wondered what you have to be capable of to become an astronaut? Well this is one of a thousand people who tried to make it to be an astronaut. But he was the one who actually made it through all of the tests and obstacles. He can help you complete your dreams of being a man in space and help take the satellites into orbit. Who knows, you might even be able to meet him up there in vast space. If you still aren't persuaded as I said before, keep on reading the rest of my writing.

The space man can tell you how and where you are permitted to land during a reenter sequence. Have you ever wondered how they plan the shuttle's landing course? I have, and this man will be able to tell you how. Also, how they choose where to land, in a desert, in the water, on the beach, there are so many possibilities. He can also tell you about how to know when to land if there is no communication in the area. I am pretty sure that I got you on my side but if you're not I can't do anything else and I respect your decision.

But the astronaut might not be the best person to choose for the career day speaker. Maybe you want a doctor, or a dentist to come in, and you want to ask them a few questions. Maybe the space man isn't the best job ever, because a doctor saves people's lives, the astronaut just goes into space and comes back down. But the astronaut will have so many things to explain that we don't know anything about.

Now that you have heard all of my reasons to choose an astronaut as the next career day speaker, what do you say? Will you choose the awesome space man or the other jobs there are. The astronaut will be able to teach us how to operate a space shuttle. He can tell you what you have to do to become an astronaut out of all the others who enter. Finally, he can tell you how to land a space shuttle. I bet this is the best pick of all the others, please vote to have a space man come in for career day.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion/position/thesis statement to argue the issue presented in the prompt task . The response reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of the purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

After the writer grabs the readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinionative statement. (“Do you know what I think will be the best career day speaker, an actual astronaut.”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“How many times have you been watching a show about space, then you wonder how are they doing all of those things with the space ship. Well, the astronaut will answer all of those questions you have. Like, how big is the actual space shuttle if you look at it from the inside? How many people can go into a space ship at one time? What does Earth look like from the window of the space shuttle? Many more questions will be answered about the space ship if you choose the astronaut.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion that an astronaut should be the career day speaker. (“The astronaut will be able to tell you what classes you have to take to join him in space. Have you ever wondered what you have to be capable of to become an astronaut? Well this is one of a thousand people who tried to make it to be an astronaut. But he was the one who actually made it through all of the tests and obstacles. He can help you complete your dreams of being a man in space and help take the satellites into orbit. Who knows, you might even be able to meet him up there in vast space. If you still aren't persuaded as I said before, keep on reading the rest of my writing.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, appropriate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue of an astronaut as a career day speaker. The essay aptly addresses the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“But the astronaut might not be the best person to choose for the career day speaker. Maybe you want a doctor, or a dentist to come in, and you want to ask them a few questions. Maybe the space man isn't the best job ever, because a doctor saves people's lives, the astronaut just goes into space and comes back down. But the astronaut will have so many things to explain that we don't know anything about.”)

The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, examples, and/or anecdotes to illustrate his/her point of view. (“The space man can tell you how and where you are permitted to land during a reenter sequence. Have you ever wondered how they plan the shuttle's landing course? I have, and this man will be able to tell you how. Also, how they choose where to land, in a desert, in the water, on the beach, there are so many possibilities. He can also tell you about how to know when to land if there is no communication in the area.”)

The details in the paragraphs make the essay more persuasive by including a challenge to the readers. (“The astronaut will be able to tell you what classes you have to take to join him in space. Have you ever wondered what you have to be capable of to become an astronaut? Well this is one of a thousand people who tried to make it to be an astronaut. But he was the one who actually made it through all of the tests and obstacles. He can help you complete your dreams of being a man in space and help take the satellites into orbit. Who knows, you might even be able to meet him up there in vast space. If you still aren't persuaded as I said before, keep on reading the rest of my writing.”) The writer successfully asks the readers to imagine a scenario and think about themselves in the same position, actively engaging them in the debate.

Organization

The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. (“Have you ever wondered what you need to do to actually become an astronaut? Do you know what I think will be the best career day speaker, an actual astronaut. They are very adventurous people, the astronaut will tell us about everything there is to know about space.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “to start off,” “moving along,” “arguably,” and “in conclusion,” to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Well this is one of a thousand people who tried to make it to be an astronaut. But he was the one who actually made it through all of the tests and obstacles. He can help you complete your dreams of being a man in space and help take the satellites into orbit. Who knows, you might even be able to meet him up there in vast space. If you still aren't persuaded as I said before, keep on reading the rest of my writing.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument and leaves the readers with a request to consider the writer’s points before arriving at a decision. (“Now that you have heard all of my reasons to choose an astronaut as the next career day speaker, what do you say? Will you choose the awesome space man or the other jobs there are. The astronaut will be able to teach us how to operate a space shuttle. He can tell you what you have to do to become an astronaut out of all the others who enter. Finally, he can tell you how to land a space shuttle. I bet this is the best pick of all the others, please vote to have a space man come in for career day.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is very effective. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choices, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences contributes to the effectiveness of the response.

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Have you ever wondered how they plan the shuttle's landing course? I have, and this man will be able to tell you how. Also, how they choose where to land, in a desert, in the water, on the beach, there are so many possibilities. He can also tell you about how to know when to land if there is no communication in the area.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“Well, the astronaut will answer all of those questions you have. Like, how big is the actual space shuttle if you look at it from the inside? How many people can go into a space ship at one time? What does Earth look like from the window of the space shuttle? Many more questions will be answered about the space ship if you choose the astronaut.”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“The space man can tell you how and where you are permitted to land during a reenter sequence. Have you ever wondered how they plan the shuttle's landing course? I have, and this man will be able to tell you how. Also, how they choose where to land, in a desert, in the water, on the beach, there are so many possibilities. He can also tell you about how to know when to land if there is no communication in the area.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“Have you ever wondered how they plan the shuttle's landing course? I have, and this man will be able to tell you how. Also, how they choose where to land, in a desert, in the water, on the beach, there are so many possibilities. He can also tell you about how to know when to land if there is no communication in the area. I am pretty sure that I got you on my side but if you're not I can't do anything else and I respect your decision.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Zoologists

Meow, bark, roar! The most exiting job on planet earth. At least that's what I think, and other people would to, after you read this paper. The job I am talking about is a career as a Zoologist. They are the most intelligent people I have ever seen! The things they do are amazing! They are like wildlife biologists. They study animal origins, behavior, and diseases plus more! I love this career partly because I love animals, also because I love science.

I think more people should learn about the animals on our ecosystem, because scientists today are working on technology more than earth's animals. And this job is for boys and girls. But they don't just give this out to random people, you have to have extensive skill, knowledge, and experience with animals. I hope I become a Zoologist when I grow up. I would like this person to come in to my class because they would know the unknown about animals. Also they help animals which is a great thing to do for living! They could defiantly benefit my class because we should learn about animals when were young!

Some people ask, "how can they possibly benefit your class?" Well, they help our world, how, they might ask. Because if we don't learn about animals people could severely get hurt. I mean how can we tell if an animal is harmful or poisonous? So this is no job or career. This is the real deal. So just for a recap, Zoologists are great and should come to my class. And they care and test (carefully) and they make sure that they are in a safe and healthy environment.

Animals are like people, without them, the world would not be the same. A person would be lonely without a dog. Or kids wouldn't get to go to the zoo. And without Zoologists those animals would be suffering to live. Thousands and millions would die from animals going berserk! I know that there are a lot of fun or exiting jobs out there, but I like, or even love the career of a Zoologist.

Now, I know what you're thinking if you're a boy, "THIS STUFF IS FOR GIRLS!" Well it is not, it is a career for any gender. Because sharks, alligators, and vicious animals are not for girls. And if you're a girl, you probably think you know everything about animals. Well I say "NO WAY!" Unless your name is Jane Goodoll you know nothing!

Now another recap, Zoologists are helping our world. And there geniuses. So I would really like to have them come into my class. You can learn so much from them!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in the essay are effective. The writer establishes and maintains a clear opinion/position/thesis statement to argue the issue and satisfies most parts of the prompt task. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer grabs the readers’ attention by beginning with an exclamation, a quotation, or a surprising fact. (“Meow, bark, roar! The most exiting job on planet earth. At least that's what I think, and other people would to, after you read this paper. The job I am talking about is a career as a Zoologist. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“I think more people should learn about the animals on our ecosystem, because scientists today are working on technology more than earth's animals. And this job is for boys and girls. But they don't just give this out to random people, you have to have extensive skill, knowledge, and experience with animals. I hope I become a Zoologist when I grow up. I would like this person to come in to my class because they would know the unknown about animals. ”)

The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. (“The job I am talking about is a career as a Zoologist. They are the most intelligent people I have ever seen! The things they do are amazing! They are like wildlife biologists. They study animal origins, behavior, and diseases plus more! I love this career partly because I love animals, also because I love science. ”)

Content & Development

The writer provides effective development of ideas and content in the essay. He/she develops arguments using specific and relevant details to support the stated position. Additionally, the writer clearly addresses the readers' opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own stance on the issue. (“Some people ask, ‘how can they possibly benefit your class?’ Well, they help our world, how, they might ask. Because if we don't learn about animals people could severely get hurt. I mean how can we tell if an animal is harmful or poisonous? So this is no job or career. This is the real deal. ”)

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that effectively argue that a zoologist should come to his/her school for career day. (“I think more people should learn about the animals on our ecosystem, because scientists today are working on technology more than earth's animals. And this job is for boys and girls. But they don't just give this out to random people, you have to have extensive skill, knowledge, and experience with animals. I hope I become a Zoologist when I grow up. ”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“Animals are like people, without them, the world would not be the same. A person would be lonely without a dog. Or kids wouldn't get to go to the zoo. And without Zoologists those animals would be suffering to live. Thousands and millions would die from animals going berserk! I know that there are a lot of fun or exiting jobs out there, but I like, or even love the career of a Zoologist. ”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing and subtle transitions that keep the flow of the argument smooth and consistent.

The writer’s introduction gives background information to help the readers understand the issue. (“The job I am talking about is a career as a Zoologist. They are the most intelligent people I have ever seen! The things they do are amazing! They are like wildlife biologists. They study animal origins, behavior, and diseases plus more! I love this career partly because I love animals, also because I love science. ”)

Transitions help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Some people ask, ‘how can they possibly benefit your class?’ Well, they help our world, how, they might ask. Because if we don't learn about animals people could severely get hurt. ”)

The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“Now another recap, Zoologists are helping our world. And there geniuses. So I would really like to have them come into my class. You can learn so much from them! ”)

Language Use & Style

There is good use of language, voice, and style in the essay. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, some evidence of voice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured sentences with some variety adds to the effectiveness of the writer’s argument.

The writer uses language to argue his/her position on the issue effectively. (“Now, I know what you're thinking if you're a boy, ‘THIS STUFF IS FOR GIRLS!’ Well it is not, it is a career for any gender. Because sharks, alligators, and vicious animals are not for girls. And if you're a girl, you probably think you know everything about animals. Well I say ‘NO WAY!’ Unless your name is Jane Goodoll you know nothing! ”)

The writer combines short sentences by using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet, also) or by adding more details. (“I love this career partly because I love animals, also because I love science. ”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view of having a Zoologist came to speak for career day. (“I would like this person to come in to my class because they would know the unknown about animals. Also they help animals which is a great thing to do for living! They could defiantly benefit my class because we should learn about animals when were young! ”) Coherent style and tone ensure the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and words are spelled correctly. (“Some people ask, ‘how can they possibly benefit your class?’ Well, they help our world, how, they might ask. Because if we don't learn about animals people could severely get hurt. I mean how can we tell if an animal is harmful or poisonous? ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I think that a photographer would be an amazing career day speaker. He or she could teach us, give us tips, and tell us reasons it is a good or bad job for you to choose. This essay is all about telling you why I think we should have a photographer be a career day speaker.

First of all, he or she could give us tips about photography. The photographer could tell us beautiful or exciting places to take pictures. That would be wonderful because you would know some great places to take photographs. The photographer could also tell us nice times of the day to take photos. If we knew great times of the day to take a picture, the picture could be much better.

Second, the photographer could teach how to take photography. One way he or she could do that is by teaching us how to use the camera correctly. If we didn't know how to use it right, we couldn't take pictures. The photographer would also tell us fun, pretty, and wonderful places to take photos. There are many more things that they could teach use too!

Finally, he, or she could talk about why a good choice is to be a photographer. The photographer could tell us why it is a fun job, or why it fits you well. It wouldn't be fun to be a photographer if the job didn't fit you, would it? She could also tell us why we shouldn't choose the job. If you didn't like photography you wouldn't want to have it as a job, obviously. That would be really nice!

I just gave you many reasons for my idea. I think this would be the best choice. They could talk about how it fits yourself and they could teach us tips. They could show us how to be a photographer! I think everyone would enjoy this. Hopefully a photographer will come to our school on career day!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes an opinion/position/thesis statement that a photographer should be the career day speaker at his/her school and adequately attempts to argue the issue presented in the prompt task . Additionally, the writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience and satisfies many parts of the prompt task.

The writer’s thesis adequately states that he/she believes a photographer should be the career day speaker at his/her school. (“This essay is all about telling you why I think we should have a photographer be a career day speaker.”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“First of all, he or she could give us tips about photography. The photographer could tell us beautiful or exciting places to take pictures. That would be wonderful because you would know some great places to take photographs. The photographer could also tell us nice times of the day to take photos. If we knew great times of the day to take a picture, the picture could be much better.”)

The writer uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience and rarely or does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“Second, the photographer could teach how to take photography. One way he or she could do that is by teaching us how to use the camera correctly. If we didn't know how to use it right, we couldn't take pictures.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some specific and relevant details to support the stated position. However, he/she only briefly addresses the readers’ opposing counterarguments. Incorporating more specific, appropriate, and relevant supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate main ideas would bolster the argument in a meaningful way.

Most of the writer’s details support the argument for a photographer as career day speaker. (“First of all, he or she could give us tips about photography. The photographer could tell us beautiful or exciting places to take pictures. That would be wonderful because you would know some great places to take photographs. The photographer could also tell us nice times of the day to take photos. If we knew great times of the day to take a picture, the picture could be much better.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“Second, the photographer could teach how to take photography. One way he or she could do that is by teaching us how to use the camera correctly. If we didn't know how to use it right, we couldn't take pictures. The photographer would also tell us fun, pretty, and wonderful places to take photos. There are many more things that they could teach use too!”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by attempting to respond to those who might disagree with his/her position on the issue. (“The photographer could tell us why it is a fun job, or why it fits you well. It wouldn't be fun to be a photographer if the job didn't fit you, would it? She could also tell us why we shouldn't choose the job. If you didn't like photography you wouldn't want to have it as a job, obviously. That would be really nice!”)

Organization

The writer provides adequate organization in the essay. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices, but overall, the writer’s message is adequate for the task presented.

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. (“I think that a photographer would be an amazing career day speaker. He or she could teach us, give us tips, and tell us reasons it is a good or bad job for you to choose. This essay is all about telling you why I think we should have a photographer be a career day speaker.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “first,” “second,” and “third,” which help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. (“First of all, he or she could give us tips about photography. … Second, the photographer could teach how to take photography.”) Transitional words help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected.

The writer’s conclusion adequately wraps up his/her argument. (“I just gave you many reasons for my idea. I think this would be the best choice. They could talk about how it fits yourself and they could teach us tips. They could show us how to be a photographer! I think everyone would enjoy this. Hopefully a photographer will come to our school on career day!”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits adequate language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals appropriate language and word choices with an awareness of audience and control of voice. It generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“One way he or she could do that is by teaching us how to use the camera correctly. If we didn't know how to use it right, we couldn't take pictures. The photographer would also tell us fun, pretty, and wonderful places to take photos. There are many more things that they could teach use too!”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments in the essay. (“The photographer could tell us why it is a fun job, or why it fits you well. It wouldn't be fun to be a photographer if the job didn't fit you, would it? She could also tell us why we shouldn't choose the job. If you didn't like photography you wouldn't want to have it as a job, obviously. That would be really nice!”)

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“The photographer could tell us beautiful or exciting places to take pictures. That would be wonderful because you would know some great places to take photographs. The photographer could also tell us nice times of the day to take photos. If we knew great times of the day to take a picture, the picture could be much better.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and most words are spelled correctly. (“It wouldn't be fun to be a photographer if the job didn't fit you, would it? She could also tell us why we shouldn't choose the job. If you didn't like photography you wouldn't want to have it as a job, obviously. That would be really nice!”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear classmates,

I think a Musician should speak on career day. He could teach us about all different kinds of instruments and how they work. They could teach us about different kinds of instruments and how it works. They could also show us some of his songs. They could maybe even play something on the piano for us. they could also tell us what inspired them to start writing songs.

Idea one: Different instruments. He could tell us about different instruments and how they work. And what noise they make.

Idea two: Their songs. and tell us what year he made them. He could also tell us what inspired him to make that song.

Idea three: words to his songs. Maybe he can teach us some songs he made up, and he can play along. It would be so much fun. He could also bring some instruments to show us. He could tell us how they work.

conclusion: So you see, a musician would be the best option to come and speak on career day. He could teach us so many things. And show us so many things. A musician would be perfect.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion /position/thesis statement on why a musician should be a career day speaker but may be unclear or underdeveloped in arguing the issue presented in the prompt task. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion /position/thesis statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“ I think a Musician should speak on career day. ”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“He could teach us about all different kinds of instruments and how they work. They could teach us about different kinds of instruments and how it works. They could also show us some of his songs. ”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer does attempt to address the readers but is very limited in the use of persuasive terms to convince the readers of the writer’s point of view. (“ Idea three: words to his songs. Maybe he can teach us some songs he made up, and he can play along. It would be so much fun. He could also bring some instruments to show us. He could tell us how they work. ”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the argument that a musician would be the best career day speaker. The writer does attempt to address readers' opposing points of view or counterarguments but does not integrate counterarguments into the essay.

The essay is limited in addressing the readers’ concerns. (“So you see, a musician would be the best option to come and speak on career day.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“Idea two: Their songs. and tell us what year he made them. He could also tell us what inspired him to make that song.”)

The essay needs details that are clear and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas as to why a musician should speak for career day, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce the writer’s position on the issue. (“Idea three: words to his songs. Maybe he can teach us some songs he made up, and he can play along. It would be so much fun. He could also bring some instruments to show us. He could tell us how they work.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay response is limited at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion and incorporates use of paragraphing, but lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by stating who he/she believes should speak at career day. (“ I think a Musician should speak on career day. ”)

Transitions are not included between paragraphs and between sentences. B ecause of the lack of transitional devices, the readers may not be led to a logical conclusion. (“Idea one: Different instruments. He could tell us about different instruments and how they work. And what noise they make. ”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited way, but it does not restate arguments or leave the readers with something to think about or tell them what to do next. (“ conclusion: So you see, a musician would be the best option to come and speak on career day. He could teach us so many things. And show us so many things. A musician would be perfect. ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is limited in the essay. The writer demonstrates some awareness of audience and control of voice; however, the writer relies on simple language with insufficient sentence variety and word choices.

The essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/position/thesis statement. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“I think a Musician should speak on career day. He could teach us about all different kinds of instruments and how they work. They could teach us about different kinds of instruments and how it works. They could also show us some of his songs. They could maybe even play something on the piano for us. they could also tell us what inspired them to start writing songs. ”)

Sentence lengths are short. (“Different instruments. He could tell us about different instruments and how they work. And what noise they make. ”)

There is a limited variety of sentences in the essay. For example, the writer relies heavily on beginning numerous sentences with the phrase “he could.” (“He could tell us about different instruments and how they work. … He could tell us how they work. … He could also tell us what inspired him to make that song. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and words are spelled correctly. (“conclusion: So you see, a musician would be the best option to come and speak on career day. He could teach us so many things. And show us so many things. A musician would be perfect.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

A architech is a very good job it makes good money.you could own your company or something.

The first reason why I chosed architech was to teach the class a great reason to be a architech.because there are many things to do like build your own houses.

The second reason why I chosed a architech is because you could live in a manshoin and have the car of your dream.somebody you know probly have a bad job and they come and ask you to help him out or give him a job.

The third reason why I chosed being a architech was that you could end up being a million air by building houses and alot of stuff.It's very cool you can desighn them whaterver shape you whant them to be.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides minimal focus and meaning. The writer d emonstrates little attempt at stating an opinion/position/thesis or arguing the issue presented in the prompt task. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and consequently, c ompletes few parts of the task.

The essay does not state a clearly defined opinion /position/thesis about the issue. (“ A architech is a very good job it makes good money.you could own your company or something. ”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended the readers. (“ The first reason why I chosed architech was to teach the class a great reason to be a architech. ”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“ The second reason why I chosed a architech is because you could live in a manshoin and have the car of your dream.somebody you know probly have a bad job and they come and ask you to help him out or give him a job. ”)

Content & Development

The writer develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer's position that an architect should come to his/her school for career day. The writer may not consider the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the essay response one-sided and minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion/position/thesis statement. (“ The first reason why I chosed architech was to teach the class a great reason to be a architech.because there are many things to do like build your own houses. ”)

Details are minimally used to explain and illustrate the writer’s point of view as to why an architect should come to his/her school to speak for career day. (“ The third reason why I chosed being a architech was that you could end up being a million air by building houses and alot of stuff.It's very cool you can desighn them whaterver shape you whant them to be. ”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization in the task response. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“A architech is a very good job it makes good money.you could own your company or something.”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position effectively. Also, transitions are minimal between paragraphs or between sentences. (“ The first reason why I chosed architech was to teach the class a great reason to be a architech.because there are many things to do like build your own houses. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay; it does not leave the readers with something to think about, nor does it tell them what to do next concerning the issue at hand. (“ The third reason why I chosed being a architech was that you could end up being a million air by building houses and alot of stuff.It's very cool you can desighn them whaterver shape you whant them to be. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/position/thesis statement effectively. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in MY Access! Word Bank. By incorporating more persuasive word choices into the essay response, the writer would create a more effective argument. (“A architech is a very good job it makes good money.you could own your company or something. ”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“The third reason why I chosed being a architech was that you could end up being a million air by building houses and alot of stuff.It's very cool you can desighn them whaterver shape you whant them to be. ”)

The writer does not provide a clear voice that emphasizes his/her position as to why an architect should be the career day speaker. (“The second reason why I chosed a architech is because you could live in a manshoin and have the car of your dream.somebody you know probly have a bad job and they come and ask you to help him out or give him a job.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization, many words are spelled incorrectly, there are run-on sentences, and there are several errors in subject-verb agreement. (“ The second reason why I chosed a architech is because you could live in a manshoin and have the car of your dream. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

My goal is for an airplane pilot to be a career day speakeer. They have an amazing job. they met new people every day.

tell us about their job. They tell us about the day they had. If they are scared or not. If you fly with your family.

tellus about people they meet.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates almost no effort at stating an opinion/position/thesis, and little effort is made to argue the issue presented in the prompt task. As a result, the essay satisfies few requirements of the task.

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on the issue but fails to include detailed, supporting ideas to argue the asserted position effectively. The writer doesn’t focus on how an airplane pilot would be a good career day speaker. (“My goal is for an airplane pilot to be a career day speakeer. They have an amazing job. they met new people every day.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. (“tell us about their job. They tell us about the day they had. If they are scared or not. If you fly with your family.”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“My goal is for an airplane pilot to be a career day speakeer.”)

Content & Development

The essay contains inadequate content and development. Little or no attempt is made to use details to support the arguments and the writer' s position on the issue of having an airplane pilot come to his/her school for career day. The writer does not consider the readers’ opposing points, leaving the response insufficient and inadequate.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. (“My goal is for an airplane pilot to be a career day speakeer. They have an amazing job. they met new people every day. ”)

Since the response is so brief, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs present in the essay. (“tell us about their job. They tell us about the day they had. If they are scared or not. If you fly with your family. ”) Additionally, at least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument.

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. (“They have an amazing job. they met new people every day. ”)

Organization

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. As a result, the essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“ My goal is for an airplane pilot to be a career day speakeer. ”)

Transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. (“ tell us about their job. They tell us about the day they had. If they are scared or not. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay, leaves the readers with something to think about, or tells them what to do next. (“tellus about people they meet.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer does not integrate effective use of language, voice, or style into the essay. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choices, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/position/thesis statement effectively. (“My goal is for an airplane pilot to be a career day speakeer. They have an amazing job. they met new people every day. ”) Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things more effectively.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“tellus about people they meet.”)

The style of the writing in the response is inadequate. Because the writer does not incorporate language that reflects an initiative to present a balanced argument on why an airplane pilot would be the best career day speaker, the voice of the writer is muted, and the effectiveness of the argument is lost. (“tell us about their job. They tell us about the day they had. If they are scared or not. If you fly with your family. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. It has errors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, and each word is spelled correctly. (“ My goal is for an airplane pilot to be a career day speakeer. They have an amazing job. they met new people every day. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Children Watch Too Much Television

“Young people today are watching far too much television. Some children spend hours watching TV after school and watch even more on weekends. It isn't healthy for their bodies to sit there all day long, and many of the shows send bad messages to our children. We should agree to limit the amount of time our children watch TV to about 30 minutes a day on weekdays and 1 hour a day on weekends and during vacations. This way, young people will spend more time with their families and will be able to get more exercise.” —A Concerned Parent

Read the excerpt above from a newspaper editorial written by a local parent. The writer suggests that children are watching too much television in their spare time, and parents should agree to limit their children's viewing time. In a multi-paragraph essay, discuss whether you agree or disagree with the position presented in the editorial. Be sure to support your discussion with facts and details from your experiences.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I believe that children in this community should be limited to how much time they should be allowed to watch television. I believe that parents and children should agree together due to different schedules. That would majorly affect children with parents that are busy. I also believe that they could also do an Equal Hour (I will explain more about an Equal Hour in the third paragraph). That would encourage them to learn while watching T.V. I also think that an exercise program or another family program could improve watching T.V. everyday.

I strongly believe that parents should agree with their children on how much time they receive to watch T.V. that day. Sometimes after school, my mother does not come home from her work until 5:30 PM. That does not leave me much time to spend with her, so my family could make a rule "No T.V. After Mom Comes Home." I usually have clubs, or different activities after school that I try to attend. This cuts my time of using T.V. a lot. At my house my family has agreed to not watch television or play computer games unless we have completed our homework. This effects my schedule so that I want to finish my work to be able to play more games or watch shows on the T.V. This practice helps me to not have as much work the rest of the week. This would help limit time for television.

Secondly, an Equal Hour would help children reduce television. An Equal Hour is when you watch one science movie and exercise for half-an-hour to be able to watch a half-an-hour of T.V. This would improve your education, and it would help you improve your physical strength. I know that many people actually like watching documentary films on anything they can get their hands on. I know this because I prefer watching documentaries on dogs and space. The Equal Hour would help all families, busy or not. This would improve homes across the community. If people are either learning or exerting their physical health then we would have a better town to live in. It would cut down on pollution and help plants and animals. It would increase our knowledge and our help to the world.

Finally, home programs could reduce the problem of obsessively watching T.V. If a child's time on the T.V. becomes limited then they will usually still want it. One family I know has a great program to access more video games or television. Each child receives a jar. Every time the child does something good, chores without asking, etc. then the child receives a marble. The marble will be put in their jar. The parents of the child will agree on how many marbles something is worth. The choices of objects may vary depending on what the parents agree. So if a child trades in ten marbles then they receive twenty minutes of television. Different households may have different trades for marbles. If my family agrees fifteen marbles with trade for a toy another family may choose twenty marbles for a new toy. This would also help decrease the amount of T.V. watched. I have tried to start an exercise program for myself. Some parents could interoperate T.V. with the exercise program. That would keep children fit and in shape.

I believe that children in our community should be limited to television time. Schedules are also important to all families. I think families should try different television schedules to corporate their time. The Equal Hour would also be educational and help keep young children healthy. My friend's family program will improve the new home that is now equipped with technology never had before. Other children may think that limiting your time that it is a bad action, but I believe that this action is a good idea. I believe that our families should take action in this matter. These are just a sample of the reasons why I strongly believe that we should limit our time with televisions.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion that effectively persuades readers. The essay reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue of children and their television viewing habits. (“I believe that children in this community should be limited to how much time they should be allowed to watch television.”)

The essay effectively stays focused on the central/controlling idea with supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion that children’s television viewing should be limited. Each paragraph develops a method for limiting television exposure and illustrates the resulting benefits. (“Secondly, an Equal Hour would help children reduce television. An Equal Hour is when you watch one science movie and exercise for half-an-hour to be able to watch a half-an-hour of T.V. This would improve your education, and it would help you improve your physical strength. I know that many people actually like watching documentary films on anything they can get their hands on. I know this because I prefer watching documentaries on dogs and space. The Equal Hour would help all families, busy or not. This would improve homes across the community. If people are either learning or exerting their physical health then we would have a better town to live in. It would cut down on pollution and help plants and animals. It would increase our knowledge and our help to the world.”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for the purpose of convincing his/her intended audience of the stated point of view. (“I believe that children in our community should be limited to television time. Schedules are also important to all families. I think families should try different television schedules to corporate their time. The Equal Hour would also be educational and help keep young children healthy. My friend's family program will improve the new home that is now equipped with technology never had before. Other children may think that limiting your time that it is a bad action, but I believe that this action is a good idea. I believe that our families should take action in this matter. These are just a sample of the reasons why I strongly believe that we should limit our time with televisions.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue of children watching too much television. The essay briefly addresses readers’ opposing points of view.

The writer uses a variety of facts, examples, and anecdotes to illustrate his/her point of view. A personal anecdote about the writer’s daily routine supports his/her main idea about limiting television time. (“I strongly believe that parents should agree with their children on how much time they receive to watch T.V. that day. Sometimes after school, my mother does not come home from her work until 5:30 PM. That does not leave me much time to spend with her, so my family could make a rule ‘No T.V. After Mom Comes Home.’ I usually have clubs, or different activities after school that I try to attend. This cuts my time of using T.V. a lot. At my house my family has agreed to not watch television or play computer games unless we have completed our homework. This effects my schedule so that I want to finish my work to be able to play more games or watch shows on the T.V. This practice helps me to not have as much work the rest of the week. This would help limit time for television.”)

Details in the paragraphs make the essay more persuasive by including or challenging its readers. The writer successfully asks readers to consider “home programs” that would encourage children to earn television time. (“Finally, home programs could reduce the problem of obsessively watching T.V. If a child's time on the T.V. becomes limited then they will usually still want it. One family I know has a great program to access more video games or television. Each child receives a jar. Every time the child does something good, chores without asking, etc. then the child receives a marble. The marble will be put in their jar. The parents of the child will agree on how many marbles something is worth. The choices of objects may vary depending on what the parents agree. So if a child trades in ten marbles then they receive twenty minutes of television. Different households may have different trades for marbles. If my family agrees fifteen marbles with trade for a toy another family may choose twenty marbles for a new toy. This would also help decrease the amount of T.V. watched. I have tried to start an exercise program for myself. Some parents could interoperate T.V. with the exercise program. That would keep children fit and in shape.”)

The writer attempts to address readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. A solid persuasive argument addresses the counter viewpoints, and in this case, the writer could devote more content for the opposing opinion. (“My friend's family program will improve the new home that is now equipped with technology never had before. Other children may think that limiting your time that it is a bad action, but I believe that this action is a good idea.”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction effectively provides background information to help readers understand the issue. The writer relates the topic of the essay to personal experiences that are relevant to readers. The implication is that every reader can benefit by reducing the amount of time he/she spends watching television. (“I believe that children in this community should be limited to how much time they should be allowed to watch television. I believe that parents and children should agree together due to different schedules. That would majorly affect children with parents that are busy. I also believe that they could also do an Equal Hour (I will explain more about an Equal Hour in the third paragraph). That would encourage them to learn while watching T.V. I also think that an exercise program or another family program could improve watching T.V. everyday.”)

The writer uses transitions, such as “secondly” and “finally,” to help him/her move from one paragraph to the next. Transitions help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Secondly, an Equal Hour would help children reduce television. An Equal Hour is when you watch one science movie and exercise for half-an-hour to be able to watch a half-an-hour of T.V. This would improve your education, and it would help you improve your physical strength.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument and leaves readers with a request to consider the writer’s points before arriving at a decision. The writer reviews family rules that can reduce television time. (“I believe that children in our community should be limited to television time. Schedules are also important to all families. I think families should try different television schedules to corporate their time. The Equal Hour would also be educational and help keep young children healthy. My friend's family program will improve the new home that is now equipped with technology never had before. Other children may think that limiting your time that it is a bad action, but I believe that this action is a good idea. I believe that our families should take action in this matter. These are just a sample of the reasons why I strongly believe that we should limit our time with televisions.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is very effective. He/she demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences contributes to the effectiveness of the essay.

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“I believe that children in this community should be limited to how much time they should be allowed to watch television. I believe that parents and children should agree together due to different schedules. That would majorly affect children with parents that are busy. I also believe that they could also do an Equal Hour (I will explain more about an Equal Hour in the third paragraph). That would encourage them to learn while watching T.V. I also think that an exercise program or another family program could improve watching T.V. everyday.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by combining sentences with conjunctions and by using complex sentence structures. (“I usually have clubs, or different activities after school that I try to attend. This cuts my time of using T.V. a lot. At my house my family has agreed to not watch television or play computer games unless we have completed our homework. This effects my schedule so that I want to finish my work to be able to play more games or watch shows on the T.V. This practice helps me to not have as much work the rest of the week. This would help limit time for television.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure that readers will thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the thesis statement/controlling idea of the essay. The writer discusses how television time can be limited by requiring children to “earn” it. (“Finally, home programs could reduce the problem of obsessively watching T.V. If a child's time on the T.V. becomes limited then they will usually still want it. One family I know has a great program to access more video games or television. Each child receives a jar. Every time the child does something good, chores without asking, etc. then the child receives a marble. The marble will be put in their jar. The parents of the child will agree on how many marbles something is worth. The choices of objects may vary depending on what the parents agree. So if a child trades in ten marbles then they receive twenty minutes of television. Different households may have different trades for marbles. If my family agrees fifteen marbles with trade for a toy another family may choose twenty marbles for a new toy. This would also help decrease the amount of T.V. watched.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with communication of the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, and each word is spelled correctly. (“Secondly, an Equal Hour would help children reduce television. An Equal Hour is when you watch one science movie and exercise for half-an-hour to be able to watch a half-an-hour of T.V. This would improve your education, and it would help you improve your physical strength.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Did you know that many kids watch hours of T.V a day? I didn't know, until now. I think that children should have limited T.V time. It is true that children are watching more than enough television shows. Parents would be frustrated when kids spend most of their time on the couch. I personally agree that children should only be permitted to watch up to 30 minutes of television on week days. Here is my reasoning why I think kids should have limited time in front of the T.V. Kids would get addicted, it would bring down the grades of the children, and it would ruin a family bond.

Like I said, kids could get addicted to watching television. Many kids think that watching educational shows will make you smarter, but most of the time, it teaches you nothing, the show makers just create a story and add a humorous twist. Not only that, but watching a lot of television could create a habit! It was scientifically proven that it takes 22 days to create a habit, and most kids watch television whenever they can! That is very upsetting news.

Secondly, watching a lot of T.V could bring down childrens grades. Some kids will not do their homework, but will watch T.V, that would lead to trouble. They make the mistake of playing before finishing their work. Kids also don't study for tests and quizzes, and that would mean even worse grades. When students watch T.V, they just forget about what they have to and gaze. Students won't stop watching T.V, once they start. They'll be upset and throw a temper when parents turn off the television while a show is in play. Kids would surly get bad grades.

Lastly, watching too much T.V would ruin a family bond. When children watch T.V, they intend to stay there no matter what. Then, it becomes dinner time, the family can't eat together because the child is in front of the T.V! Many parents try to eat together, so they bring the T.V in front of the dining table, but no conversation can be made because their child is not listening to them, but to the T.V. When a family bond cannot be made, the child won't know how to love. All of the child's friends won't enjoy being around him/her when he/she won't care for them.

Those are my reasons why I think that T.V time should be limited. Kids would end up being addicted, it would lower the grades of children, and it would ruin a family bond. I hope that children will be limited to watch only 30 minutes of T.V on week days.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates good focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains a clear position in order to convince readers that parents should limit the time their children watch television. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies most parts of the task.

The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the consequences of viewing too much television. (“Here is my reasoning why I think kids should have limited time in front of the T.V. Kids would get addicted, it would bring down the grades of the children, and it would ruin a family bond. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. Each paragraph addresses a negative consequence of over-exposure. (“Like I said, kids could get addicted to watching television. Many kids think that watching educational shows will make you smarter, but most of the time, it teaches you nothing, the show makers just create a story and add a humorous twist. Not only that, but watching a lot of television could create a habit! It was scientifically proven that it takes 22 days to create a habit, and most kids watch television whenever they can! That is very upsetting news. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. The writer cites specific examples of how television viewing can affect students’ grades. The writer reiterates his/her opinion that children need limits for television time. (“Secondly, watching a lot of T.V could bring down childrens grades. Some kids will not do their homework, but will watch T.V, that would lead to trouble. They make the mistake of playing before finishing their work. Kids also don't study for tests and quizzes, and that would mean even worse grades. When students watch T.V, they just forget about what they have to and gaze. Students won't stop watching T.V, once they start. They'll be upset and throw a temper when parents turn off the television while a show is in play. Kids would surly get bad grades. ”)

Content & Development

The writer provides good development of ideas and content in the essay response. The essay develops arguments using sufficient specific and relevant details to support the writer’s position. The writer clearly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Many kids think that watching educational shows will make you smarter, but most of the time, it teaches you nothing, the show makers just create a story and add a humorous twist. ”)

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, and explanations that explain or illustrate his/her position. Statistics about habit formation validate his/her opinion that most children are addicted to television. (“Not only that, but watching a lot of television could create a habit! It was scientifically proven that it takes 22 days to create a habit, and most kids watch television whenever they can! That is very upsetting news. ”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. The writer explains that television impacts personal interactions and keeps families from enjoying activities together. (“Lastly, watching too much T.V would ruin a family bond. When children watch T.V, they intend to stay there no matter what. Then, it becomes dinner time, the family can't eat together because the child is in front of the T.V! Many parents try to eat together, so they bring the T.V in front of the dining table, but no conversation can be made because their child is not listening to them, but to the T.V. When a family bond cannot be made, the child won't know how to love. All of the child's friends won't enjoy being around him/her when he/she won't care for them. ”)

Organization

The introduction provides background information to help readers understand the issue. (“Did you know that many kids watch hours of T.V a day? I didn't know, until now. I think that children should have limited T.V time. It is true that children are watching more than enough television shows. Parents would be frustrated when kids spend most of their time on the couch. I personally agree that children should only be permitted to watch up to 30 minutes of television on week days. Here is my reasoning why I think kids should have limited time in front of the T.V. Kids would get addicted, it would bring down the grades of the children, and it would ruin a family bond. ”)

Transitions between paragraphs and sentences help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Secondly, watching a lot of T.V could bring down childrens grades. Some kids will not do their homework, but will watch T.V, that would lead to trouble. They make the mistake of playing before finishing their work. Kids also don't study for tests and quizzes, and that would mean even worse grades. When students watch T.V, they just forget about what they have to and gaze. ”)

The conclusion summarizes the writer's argument and leaves readers with something to think about. (“Those are my reasons why I think that T.V time should be limited. Kids would end up being addicted, it would lower the grades of children, and it would ruin a family bond. I hope that children will be limited to watch only 30 minutes of T.V on week days. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer's use of language, voice, and style is good. He/she demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, some evidence of voice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured sentences with some variety adds to the effectiveness of the writer’s argument.

The writer combines short sentences by using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. (“Many kids think that watching educational shows will make you smarter, but most of the time, it teaches you nothing, the show makers just create a story and add a humorous twist. Not only that, but watching a lot of television could create a habit! It was scientifically proven that it takes 22 days to create a habit, and most kids watch television whenever they can! ”)

The language and tone of the essay are consistent with the writer’s point of view. Coherent style and tone ensure that readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the thesis statement/controlling idea of the essay. (“Lastly, watching too much T.V would ruin a family bond. When children watch T.V, they intend to stay there no matter what. Then, it becomes dinner time, the family can't eat together because the child is in front of the T.V! Many parents try to eat together, so they bring the T.V in front of the dining table, but no conversation can be made because their child is not listening to them, but to the T.V. When a family bond cannot be made, the child won't know how to love. All of the child's friends won't enjoy being around him/her when he/she won't care for them. ”)

The writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Those are my reasons why I think that T.V time should be limited. Kids would end up being addicted, it would lower the grades of children, and it would ruin a family bond. I hope that children will be limited to watch only 30 minutes of T.V on week days. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with communication of the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and words are spelled correctly. (“Parents would be frustrated when kids spend most of their time on the couch. I personally agree that children should only be permitted to watch up to 30 minutes of television on week days. Here is my reasoning why I think kids should have limited time in front of the T.V. Kids would get addicted, it would bring down the grades of the children, and it would ruin a family bond. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Well, I agree with the news article that kids TV time has limits because most children go home and don't do anything positive. I agree because most students go home and say they don't have any homework just to watch tv. I think they should have 30 minutes out of the week just to watch the news. Why i say just the news is because some shows that come on now are just drama, give bad messages and adult shows. The reason i say parents should give them 30 minutes to watch television because they should know what's going on around them. The shows that are out now are about negative things. Some shows that come on tv are good but they are old shows.

The shows that most people are watching are MTV, Adult Swim, and many more shows. The shows are not giving good messages to children. Most children who are 12 and up don't watch tv because their in sports. I still think children should watch tv at least 30 minutes after practice. I think they should watch television after practice because i know for a fact they go home tweet about their day and make a status about how it was not just that i know some thing on tv are more interning then things they see on facebook and twitter.

I also think we should have as much time as we want to watch tv on the weekend, because we don't have nothing else to do. The weekends are for us to do what we cant do doing the weekdays so we shouldn't have a time limit on the weekend . I agree and then again i disagree because on the weekend we should be able to do whatever we want. Overall I agree with the parents about the week days.

It's really not bad and it's really not good to just sit and watch tv all day. Most people got in habits of doing it. Obesity is not good nor healthy for your body. Limiting down the minutes and hours of TV time your kids watch, exercising and spending time with family is more important then sitting around eating and watching TV. Exercising should take a big part in your life. This is why exercising and spending time with your parents and family is important too.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes an opinion about children’s television viewing and adequately attempts to persuade readers . The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies many parts of the task.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue of children watching television too much of the time. (“Well, I agree with the news article that kids TV time has limits because most children go home and don't do anything positive.”)

The language of the thesis statement/controlling idea fits the examples well. Explanations support the writer’s assertion that some television shows are inappropriate for children. (“I think they should have 30 minutes out of the week just to watch the news. Why i say just the news is because some shows that come on now are just drama, give bad messages and adult shows. The reason i say parents should give them 30 minutes to watch television because they should know what's going on around them. The shows that are out now are about negative things. Some shows that come on tv are good but they are old shows.”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“The shows that most people are watching are MTV, Adult Swim, and many more shows. The shows are not giving good messages to children. Most children who are 12 and up don't watch tv because their in sports. I still think children should watch tv at least 30 minutes after practice. I think they should watch television after practice because i know for a fact they go home tweet about their day and make a status about how it was not just that i know some thing on tv are more interning then things they see on facebook and twitter.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some details to support his/her position on limiting television viewing. Incorporating more specific and relevant supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate main ideas would make the essay more convincing.

The explanations and details used to support the writer's main ideas are adequate. (“I also think we should have as much time as we want to watch tv on the weekend, because we don't have nothing else to do. The weekends are for us to do what we cant do doing the weekdays so we shouldn't have a time limit on the weekend . I agree and then again i disagree because on the weekend we should be able to do whatever we want. Overall I agree with the parents about the week days.”)

Most of the writer’s details are convincing. (“It's really not bad and it's really not good to just sit and watch tv all day. Most people got in habits of doing it. Obesity is not good nor healthy for your body. Limiting down the minutes and hours of TV time your kids watch, exercising and spending time with family is more important then sitting around eating and watching TV.”)

The writer includes some facts, statistics, examples, and explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“Most children who are 12 and up don't watch tv because their in sports. I still think children should watch tv at least 30 minutes after practice. I think they should watch television after practice because i know for a fact they go home tweet about their day and make a status about how it was not just that i know some thing on tv are more interning then things they see on facebook and twitter.”)

Organization

The essay has adequate organization. The writer demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices, but overall, the writer’s message is adequate for the task presented.

The introduction provides background information to help readers understand the issue. (“Well, I agree with the news article that kids watch too much TV because most children go home and don't do anything positive. I agree because most students go home and say they don't have any homework just to watch tv. I think they should have 30 minutes out of the week just to watch the news. Why i say just the news is because some shows that come on now are just drama, give bad messages and adult shows. The reason i say parents should give them 30 minutes to watch television because they should know what's going on around them. The shows that are out now are about negative things. Some shows that come on tv are good but they are old shows.”)

The writer uses transitions, such as “also,” “because,” and “overall,” which help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitions should also be included between paragraphs to help demonstrate how the writer’s main ideas are related or connected. (“I also think we should have as much time as we want to watch tv on the weekend, because we don't have nothing else to do. The weekends are for us to do what we cant do doing the weekdays so we shouldn't have a time limit on the weekend . I agree and then again i disagree because on the weekend we should be able to do whatever we want. Overall I agree with the parents about the week days.”)

The conclusion leaves readers with something to think about, but the writer needs to dedicate a separate paragraph to wrapping up his/her argument. (“Exercising should take a big part in your life. This is why exercising and spending time with your parents and family is important too.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer's use of language, voice, and style is adequate. He/she demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

The writer demonstrates adequate voice as he/she presents arguments in the essay. (“I think they should have 30 minutes out of the week just to watch the news. Why i say just the news is because some shows that come on now are just drama, give bad messages and adult shows. The reason i say parents should give them 30 minutes to watch television because they should know what's going on around them.”)

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. The writer combines sentences with conjunctions. (“The weekends are for us to do what we cant do doing the weekdays so we shouldn't have a time limit on the weekend . I agree and then again i disagree because on the weekend we should be able to do whatever we want.”)

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“Limiting down the minutes and hours of TV time your kids watch, exercising and spending time with family is more important then sitting around eating and watching TV. Exercising should take a big part in your life. This is why exercising and spending time with your parents and family is important too.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates adequate control of mechanics and conventions . It contains some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with communication of the writer's message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and most word choices are spelled correctly. (“Most children who are 12 and up don't watch tv because their in sports. I still think children should watch tv at least 30 minutes after practice. I think they should watch television after practice because i know for a fact they go home tweet about their day and make a status about how it was not just that i know some thing on tv are more interning then things they see on facebook and twitter.”) The writer needs to be consistent with capitalization.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

In this essay I am going to tell you why children should watch tv for 30 minutes.Also I would give reason and example to support my answer.

Children should watch tv for 30 minute because some children have homework and if they don't do it,there teachers would be angry because you didn't do at least one homework.Also if you don't do your homework for the hole school year,you would fail the test and go to summer school!

The second reason and example is that if you watch tv until 8:55pm,then you would read for 5 minutes.That's a little time!If the state test was today you would fail it!

My final reason and example is that if you don't do anything in school AND at home from the beginning of the year to April to the end of the school year,then definitely you would fail the state test.

These are the reasons why kids should only watch.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates limited focus and meaning. The writer states an opinion on the issue of children watching too much television, but the essay may be unclear or underdeveloped in providing supporting ideas. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of purpose and audience. The essay only completes some parts of the task.

The writer expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of purpose and intended audience. (“ In this essay I am going to tell you why children should watch tv for 30 minutes. ”)

There is a limited amount of details in the essay that relate to the writer’s opinion. He/she touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument, but the essay does not contain enough details for the argument to stand on its own. (“Children should watch tv for 30 minute because some children have homework and if they don't do it,there teachers would be angry because you didn't do at least one homework.Also if you don't do your homework for the hole school year,you would fail the test and go to summer school! ”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer does attempt to address readers but is very limited in the use of persuasive terms to convince readers of his/her point of view. (“ The second reason and example is that if you watch tv until 8:55pm,then you would read for 5 minutes.That's a little time!If the state test was today you would fail it! ”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the issue of television viewing for children. The writer does attempt to address readers but does not integrate counterarguments into the essay.

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“Children should watch tv for 30 minute because some children have homework and if they don't do it,there teachers would be angry because you didn't do at least one homework.Also if you don't do your homework for the hole school year,you would fail the test and go to summer school! ”)

The essay needs details that are clear and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas about how television time can compromise other activities, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce his/her position on the issue. (“ The second reason and example is that if you watch tv until 8:55pm,then you would read for 5 minutes.That's a little time!If the state test was today you would fail it! ”)

The writer includes a personal anecdote that attempts to explain or illustrate his/her opinion. Although this gives readers a limited amount of insight into the writer’s personal reasons for choosing not to watch too much television, it does not effectively support the argument . (“My final reason and example is that if you don't do anything in school AND at home from the beginning of the year to April to the end of the school year,then definitely you would fail the state test. ”)

Organization

The essay has limited organization at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. The essay includes paragraphing and some transitional devices to assist in flow and consistency.

The essay demonstrates limited evidence of an effective introduction. (“ In this essay I am going to tell you why children should watch tv for 30 minutes.Also I would give reason and example to support my answer. ”)

The writer uses some transitional devices to illustrate connections between ideas. (“The second reason and example is that if you watch tv until 8:55pm,then you would read for 5 minutes.That's a little time!If the state test was today you would fail it! ”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited way but does not restate arguments or leave readers with something to think about. (“These are the reasons why kids should only watch. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer's use of language, voice, and style is limited. He/she demonstrates some awareness of audience and control of voice but relies on simple language with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive. (“Children should watch tv for 30 minute because some children have homework and if they don't do it,there teachers would be angry because you didn't do at least one homework.Also if you don't do your homework for the hole school year,you would fail the test and go to summer school! ”)

Descriptive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer needs to use specific language to convey his/her ideas in order to increase the effectiveness of his/her message. (“My final reason and example is that if you don't do anything in school AND at home from the beginning of the year to April to the end of the school year,then definitely you would fail the state test. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates limited control of mechanics and conventions. It has several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with communication of the writer's message.

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and each word is spelled correctly. (“ there teachers would be angry because you didn't do at least one homework.Also if you don't do your homework for the hole school year,you would fail the test and go to summer school! ”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

It helps when your doing homework. when your doing homework and you wanna wach a show it helps when your done with homwork you can wach it with your familey. Wach it when your done you can lay down and relax, you love waching it for one hour, theres good shows on like full house. It's good when your tried, you can lay there waching it, sometimes it puts you too sleep, some shows are funny to make’s you laugh.

my opinion is tv is good, you love too laugh. someshows are really good there are funny and sad shows. you b etter go out to the store and get you a tv if you dont have one it better to wach football basket ball and baseball. get one and you will love it your kids whould love it more than anything your wife or huzband whould love it even your dogs.

TV IS BETTER THAN SCHOOL.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates minimal focus and meaning. The writer makes a minimal attempt at stating a position on the issue of children watching too much television . The essay reveals a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience. Consequently, it c ompletes few parts of the task.

The writer mistakenly focuses on the benefits of television viewing instead of presenting a position on whether or not children watch too much television. (“ It helps when your doing homework. when your doing homework and you wanna wach a show it helps when your done with homwork you can wach it with your familey. ”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support his/her thesis, which is minimally stated. (“ Wach it when your done you can lay down and relax, you love waching it for one hour, theres good shows on like full house. It's good when your tried, you can lay there waching it, sometimes it puts you too sleep, some shows are funny to make’s you laugh. ”)

The essay does not state a clearly defined opinion about the issue of whether children watch too much television or if parents should limit their viewing time. (“ my opinion is tv is good, you love too laugh. ”)

Content & Development

The writer does not provide specific or relevant content and development to convince the readers of his/her stance on whether or not children watch too much television. The essay lays out arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position.

Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. These details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. Providing these details would result in an essay that integrates solid evidence into the writer’s position. The writer states that you can watch television with your family, but he/she fails to elaborate on the idea. (“ when your doing homework and you wanna wach a show it helps when your done with homwork you can wach it with your familey. Wach it when your done you can lay down and relax, you love waching it for one hour, theres good shows on like full house. ”)

There are minimal details that explain or illustrate the writer’s point of view. (“ It's good when your tried, you can lay there waching it, sometimes it puts you too sleep, some shows are funny to make’s you laugh. ”)

Because the writer’s response to the prompt is minimal, it does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. The writer should keep in mind that each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“ my opinion is tv is good, you love too laugh. someshows are really good there are funny and sad shows. you b etter go out to the store and get you a tv if you dont have one it better to wach football basket ball and baseball. get one and you will love it your kids whould love it more than anything your wife or huzband whould love it even your dogs. ”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“ It helps when your doing homework. when your doing homework and you wanna wach a show it helps when your done with homwork you can wach it with your familey. ”)

The essay does not include supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position effectively. Also, there are no transitions between paragraphs or sentences. (“ you b etter go out to the store and get you a tv if you dont have one it better to wach football basket ball and baseball. get one and you will love it your kids whould love it more than anything your wife or huzband whould love it even your dogs. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay; it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“ TV IS BETTER THAN SCHOOL. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer's use of language, voice, and style is minimal. The essay reveals poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer employs run-on sentences that contain repetitive ideas. (“It helps when your doing homework. when your doing homework and you wanna wach a show it helps when your done with homwork you can wach it with your familey. ”)

The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to find additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words for effectively describing the opinions, people, places, and things within the essay. (“Wach it when your done you can lay down and relax, you love waching it for one hour, theres good shows on like full house. It's good when your tried, you can lay there waching it, sometimes it puts you too sleep, some shows are funny to make’s you laugh.”)

The writer should use the Thesaurus to replace words and phrases that are used too often with more specific words or phrases. (“my opinion is tv is good, you love too laugh. someshows are really good there are funny and sad shows.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates minimal control of mechanics and conventions. It has patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with communication of the writer's message.

The writer does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization, many words are spelled incorrectly, there are run-on sentences, and there are several errors in subject-verb agreement. (“ you b etter go out to the store and get you a tv if you dont have one it better to wach football basket ball and baseball. ”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

What no kids do not wach too much tv i think they can see how much tv they wont to i dont think we do i mean mabey we do just a littel but after. We wont be waching too much tv when we are bigger you used to wach too much tv when you were small too wehn you were just a kid. Just put your self in this if you were sitll a kid you would say the samething mabey its not good if you tv be you can learn beacuse sometimes it says. Stuff and it teaches you like how to be kind and yeah so i think we should watch more tv even if grown ups do like it thats okay because its a free country.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning. The writer makes almost no effort to state an opinion or persuade readers in any way. The essay satisfies few requirements of the task.

The essay does not state a clearly defined position about the issue of children watching too much television. The writer weakens his/her argument by agreeing with the opposing position in the same sentence. (“ What no kids do not wach too much tv i think they can see how much tv they wont to i dont think we do i mean mabey we do just a littel but after. ”)

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on the issue but fails to include detailed, supporting arguments to convince readers that children do not watch too much television. (“ We wont be waching too much tv when we are bigger you used to wach too much tv when you were small too wehn you were just a kid. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer uses slang instead of appropriate language. (“ Stuff and it teaches you like how to be kind and yeah so i think we should watch more tv even if grown ups do like it thats okay because its a free country. ”)

Content & Development

The writer provides inadequate content and development. He/she makes little attempt to use details for support.

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples for support. The writer merely states that you would agree if you were a kid. (“Just put your self in this if you were sitll a kid you would say the samething mabey its not good if you tv be you can learn beacuse sometimes it says. ”)

Since the one-paragraph response is so brief, there are no main ideas or body paragraphs in the essay. (“What no kids do not wach too much tv i think they can see how much tv they wont to i dont think we do i mean mabey we do just a littel but after. We wont be waching too much tv when we are bigger you used to wach too much tv when you were small too wehn you were just a kid. Just put your self in this if you were sitll a kid you would say the samething mabey its not good if you tv be you can learn beacuse sometimes it says. Stuff and it teaches you like how to be kind and yeah so i think we should watch more tv even if grown ups do like it thats okay because its a free country. ”) Additionally, the essay does not include at least three main ideas for support.

The essay does not include details that support a stated opinion. (“We wont be waching too much tv when we are bigger you used to wach too much tv when you were small too wehn you were just a kid. ”)

Organization

The essay has inadequate organization . It demonstrates no evidence of structure and lacks a recognizable introduction and conclusion. Also, the essay shows no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay does not capture the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. As a result, the essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“What no kids do not wach too much tv i think they can see how much tv they wont to i dont think we do i mean mabey we do just a littel but after.”)

The writer does not use transitions to illustrate connections between his/her ideas. (“Just put your self in this if you were sitll a kid you would say the samething mabey its not good if you tv be you can learn beacuse sometimes it says.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay or leaves readers with something to think about. (“Stuff and it teaches you like how to be kind and yeah so i think we should watch more tv even if grown ups do like it thats okay because its a free country.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“We wont be waching too much tv when we are bigger you used to wach too much tv when you were small too wehn you were just a kid. ”)

The writing style is inadequate. The writer attempts to incorporate persuasive language, but the effectiveness of the argument is lost when he/she creates doubt in the readers’ minds. (“What no kids do not wach too much tv i think they can see how much tv they wont to i dont think we do i mean mabey we do just a littel but after. ”)

Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. (“Stuff and it teaches you like how to be kind and yeah so i think we should watch more tv even if grown ups do like it thats okay because its a free country. ”) The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to find additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words for effectively describing the opinions, people, places, and things within the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. It has severe errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that significantly interfere with communication of the writer’s message.

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished with a line break, and each word is spelled correctly. (“ Just put your self in this if you were sitll a kid you would say the samething mabey its not good if you tv be you can learn beacuse sometimes it says. ”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Choose a Class President

Two of your classmates, Brad and Linda, are running for student class president. They have prepared speeches in which they promise to make some changes to the way your school is run.

Read the following campaign speeches from the two candidates. Write an essay arguing why your classmates should vote for the candidate you support. Be sure to address the points made in the speeches that make your candidate the better choice.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

After a few campaign speeches to the class, two sixth graders, Brad and Linda, will be up to vote to be this year's sixth grade president. Even though both sixth graders are great options, Brad seems as though he has better plans to enhance the school than his fellow candidate, Linda. He will try to change school lunches, get less homework, and have more time in the computer lab, but Linda has a few good ideas herself.

For instance, Brad would want to talk to the superintendent and principal about the school's bad food, and try to get actual good-tasting food. The lunches would be a good kind of interesting other than the cardboard with paint on top of it which they refer to as pizza. Ever been to a restaurant, because if you have, you might have noticed how delicious the food is. Brad says the food would resemble food from restaurants. Yes, the food might cost more, but think of it tasting unspoiled.

He'd also attempt to reduce the large amounts of homework students are given each night. No matter what age, children do not like having loads and loads of homework. Teachers expect students to get good nights of sleep, hang out with friends and family, exercise, and do after school activities; but how can they do all of that if they are doing their homework up until it's time for bed? Students spend most of their day learning, in fact, Smith Elementary School's students spend about seven hours at school, five days a week. That adds up to about 35 hours at school each week. From Brad's point of view, less homework would mean more time with friends and family. He doesn't think we should bring anymore work home with us because we already do so much at school already. Just think, do we really need lots of homework once we are done with school?

Yet another reason to vote for Brad is that he is ready to fight for even more time in the computer lab. According to Brad, more time on the computers, means more time learning new things and doing researching for projects. Since computers are the future, he believes that is extremely important that students get to know them. Computers are important for students to use because typing out essays is faster, easier for students and teachers, green, and more efficient than writing everything out on paper, then editing, then rewriting it on a new piece of paper. More computer usage at school is also important since some students might not have a computer to use at home, so the computer time given at school is the only time they have to work on typing or any other type of online assignment. The number one candidate, Brad, promises to work toward getting every student more time to educate themselves on the school's computers.

On the other hand, Linda has some great ideas, but they have quite a few problems. Linda wants students to have more fun at school, so she says she'll work her hardest to have a spring carnival. Linda's idea is great, but unless the school somehow receives a big chunk of money, it most likely can't happen. Her idea is in the moment and the students won't help in the future, but Brad's idea of having more computer time will benefit in the future. She also wants more field trips to the park or library, but that would mean each student would have to have a library card, and, depending if the students can walk there or take a bus, it would cost more money. A good idea of Linda's is to have more time in the gym. Childhood obesity is a huge problem right now, and more time exercising is a fabulous idea. One important fact that Linda forgot about is that students already have about forty minutes outside each day, at least one segment of P.E., and most kids play at least one sport after school. Teaching classes outside when the weather is good was yet another one of Linda's ideas. Some of the main problems with that idea are kids would get more sunburns, they would get overheated and possibly dehydrated, students would have to be able to transport their learning materials easily, and, with the new schedule, other kids would probably be playing outside while the students would be learning. Linda's thoughts would most likely end up costing more than Brad's, so it would be best if Brad is voted for class president.

Although Linda is focusing on the outdoors type of fun if she is voted class president, Brad's thoughts seem most possible and better for the school if he should be elected president. So using your vote on Brad would be the overall better option. Brad would be the better vote since he will try to assure better school lunches, not as much homework after school, and more computer time. Even though Linda has some keen ideas too, Brad is the more viable option when looking at the overall functionality of his campaign promises.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion/position/thesis statement to argue the issue presented in the prompt task . The essay reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of the purpose and intended audience. The writer satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“A good idea of Linda's is to have more time in the gym. Childhood obesity is a huge problem right now, and more time exercising is a fabulous idea. One important fact that Linda forgot about is that students already have about forty minutes outside each day, at least one segment of P.E., and most kids play at least one sport after school. Teaching classes outside when the weather is good was yet another one of Linda's ideas. Some of the main problems with that idea are kids would get more sunburns, they would get overheated and possibly dehydrated, students would have to be able to transport their learning materials easily, and, with the new schedule, other kids would probably be playing outside while the students would be learning. Linda's thoughts would most likely end up costing more than Brad's, so it would be best if Brad is voted for class president.”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for the purpose of convincing his/her intended audience of the stated point of view. (“Even though both sixth graders are great options, Brad seems as though he has better plans to enhance the school than his fellow candidate, Linda. He will try to change school lunches, get less homework, and have more time in the computer lab, but Linda has a few good ideas herself. For instance, Brad would want to talk to the superintendent and principal about the school's bad food, and try to get actual good-tasting food. The lunches would be a good kind of interesting other than the cardboard with paint on top of it which they refer to as pizza. Ever been to a restaurant, because if you have, you might have noticed how delicious the food is. Brad says the food would resemble food from restaurants. Yes, the food might cost more, but think of it tasting unspoiled.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion that Brad would make the better class president. (“Although Linda is focusing on the outdoors type of fun if she is voted class president, Brad's thoughts seem most possible and better for the school if he should be elected president. So using your vote on Brad would be the overall better option. Brad would be the better vote since he will try to assure better school lunches, not as much homework after school, and more computer time. Even though Linda has some keen ideas too, Brad is the more viable option when looking at the overall functionality of his campaign promises.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. He/she develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, appropriate, and relevant details to support the chosen candidate. The essay aptly addresses some of the other candidate’s campaign promises to round out the argument.

The writer addresses the campaign promises of the opposing candidate to add balance to the response. (“On the other hand, Linda has some great ideas, but they have quite a few problems. Linda wants students to have more fun at school, so she says she'll work her hardest to have a spring carnival. Linda's idea is great, but unless the school somehow receives a big chunk of money, it most likely can't happen. Her idea is in the moment and the students won't help in the future, but Brad's idea of having more computer time will benefit in the future.”)

The writer uses a variety of examples to illustrate his/her point of view. (“Yet another reason to vote for Brad is that he is ready to fight for even more time in the computer lab. According to Brad, more time on the computers, means more time learning new things and doing researching for projects. Since computers are the future, he believes that is extremely important that students get to know them. Computers are important for students to use because typing out essays is faster, easier for students and teachers, green, and more efficient than writing everything out on paper, then editing, then rewriting it on a new piece of paper. More computer usage at school is also important since some students might not have a computer to use at home, so the computer time given at school is the only time they have to work on typing or any other type of online assignment.”)

The writer asks the readers some pointed questions about the campaign promises mentioned in the speeches and their impact on the school, actively engaging them in the debate. (“He'd also attempt to reduce the large amounts of homework students are given each night. No matter what age, children do not like having loads and loads of homework. Teachers expect students to get good nights of sleep, hang out with friends and family, exercise, and do after school activities; but how can they do all of that if they are doing their homework up until it's time for bed? Students spend most of their day learning, in fact, Smith Elementary School's students spend about seven hours at school, five days a week. That adds up to about 35 hours at school each week. From Brad's point of view, less homework would mean more time with friends and family. He doesn't think we should bring anymore work home with us because we already do so much at school already. Just think, do we really need lots of homework once we are done with school?”)

Organization

There is very effective organization in the essay. The writer demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. The effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices creates a unified and well-structured essay.

The writer’s introduction provides some background information about each of the candidates to engage the readers’ attention. (“After a few campaign speeches to the class, two sixth graders, Brad and Linda, will be up to vote to be this year's sixth grade president. Even though both sixth graders are great options, Brad seems as though he has better plans to enhance the school than his fellow candidate, Linda. He will try to change school lunches, get less homework, and have more time in the computer lab, but Linda has a few good ideas herself.”)

The writer uses transitions to move from one idea to the next. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“According to Brad, more time on the computers, means more time learning new things and doing researching for projects. Since computers are the future, he believes that is extremely important that students get to know them. Computers are important for students to use because typing out essays is faster, easier for students and teachers, green, and more efficient than writing everything out on paper, then editing, then rewriting it on a new piece of paper.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument by weighing the main points for each candidate and restating which candidate will get the writer’s vote. (“Although Linda is focusing on the outdoors type of fun if she is voted class president, Brad's thoughts seem most possible and better for the school if he should be elected president. So using your vote on Brad would be the overall better option. Brad would be the better vote since he will try to assure better school lunches, not as much homework after school, and more computer time. Even though Linda has some keen ideas too, Brad is the more viable option when looking at the overall functionality of his campaign promises.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is very effective. He/she demonstrates precise language and word choices, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences contributes to the effectiveness of the essay.

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“For instance, Brad would want to talk to the superintendent and principal about the school's bad food, and try to get actual good-tasting food. The lunches would be a good kind of interesting other than the cardboard with paint on top of it which they refer to as pizza. Ever been to a restaurant, because if you have, you might have noticed how delicious the food is. Brad says the food would resemble food from restaurants. Yes, the food might cost more, but think of it tasting unspoiled.”)

The writer creates varied and complex sentence structures in the essay. (“Computers are important for students to use because typing out essays is faster, easier for students and teachers, green, and more efficient than writing everything out on paper, then editing, then rewriting it on a new piece of paper. More computer usage at school is also important since some students might not have a computer to use at home, so the computer time given at school is the only time they have to work on typing or any other type of online assignment.”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“On the other hand, Linda has some great ideas, but they have quite a few problems. Linda wants students to have more fun at school, so she says she'll work her hardest to have a spring carnival. Linda's idea is great, but unless the school somehow receives a big chunk of money, it most likely can't happen. Her idea is in the moment and the students won't help in the future, but Brad's idea of having more computer time will benefit in the future. She also wants more field trips to the park or library, but that would mean each student would have to have a library card, and, depending if the students can walk there or take a bus, it would cost more money.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“Teachers expect students to get good nights of sleep, hang out with friends and family, exercise, and do after school activities; but how can they do all of that if they are doing their homework up until it's time for bed? Students spend most of their day learning, in fact, Smith Elementary School's students spend about seven hours at school, five days a week. That adds up to about 35 hours at school each week.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I'm voting for Linda because I think she would be a great class president. Her ideas sound really great to me, and if she wins the election, school will be much more thrilling. The ideas she came up with sound really good for the school. Linda sounds like she would make a great president. Therefore, I think Linda should be the class president, instead of Brad.

Having a fair at our school would be spectacular! Sometimes the school system has one of those fun family nights, but having a fair with rides, games, and prizes is so much better. I would love to have my family come and help with the fair; that way, my family will have fun too. I'd definitely love to try and win some prizes, and go on rides with my friends. There would be a countless number of people there, having so much fun at the fair, if Linda was elected for president. The lunch I eat at school every day is pretty good. I don't mind if the lunch seems the same as usual. I go home eating chicken anyway, so I'm satisfied.

Spending more time outside sounds great. It would be awesome if my teacher could take my class outside and teach us what she has to teach in the bright, yellow sun. I agree having to take local field trips outside of our school. Going to the park would be fun. We would be playing on the playground, swinging on the swings, and climbing the jungle bar. The library would be a great place to go to select out some books every week. I hate having homework as other kids, but I do it anyway. Homework can be sometimes hard, but I figure out a way to solve the problem or answer the question. After having a hard time with homework, I just watch TV and relax.

Having longer gym classes would be a great thing for the school. We spend our whole day sitting at our desks. What we need is to get up and start exercising. I agree with Linda about making gym classes longer. What's the point in sitting at our desks for the whole day? We need to be more active to be in shape. Sitting at our desks the whole day is not going to get us the exercise we need. We need longer gym classes with fun activities that help us get into shape. Having PE is important. That's why the school district should increase the time we have for gym class. I already spend a lot of time on my lap top at home learning more about stuff I learned in school. We have lap tops to use at school anyway, so there is no need to increase computer lab time.

Clearly, these ideas sound really great for the school. School is about learning and all that, but what the school needs are fun activities. You can't just go to school and sit at your desk for about six hours and go home to do your homework. We should be able to go home and tell our parents what we learned and how much fun we had at school. School needs to have fun activities for kids to get in shape, and to have fun. Learning is cool, but you know what's cooler? Having to learn in the outdoors is cooler. I just don't think Brad's ideas for the school would create change. Voting for Linda would cause a great change to the school.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in the essay are effective. The writer establishes and maintains a clear opinion/position/thesis statement to argue the issue and satisfies most parts of the prompt task. Additionally, he/she is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience.

The writer clearly identifies the candidate he/she is supporting at the very beginning of the essay. (“I'm voting for Linda because I think she would be a great class president. Her ideas sound really great to me, and if she wins the election, school will be much more thrilling. The ideas she came up with sound really good for the school. Linda sounds like she would make a great president. Therefore, I think Linda should be the class president, instead of Brad.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Having longer gym classes would be a great thing for the school. We spend our whole day sitting at our desks. What we need is to get up and start exercising. I agree with Linda about making gym classes longer. What's the point in sitting at our desks for the whole day? We need to be more active to be in shape. Sitting at our desks the whole day is not going to get us the exercise we need. We need longer gym classes with fun activities that help us get into shape. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“Clearly, these ideas sound really great for the school. School is about learning and all that, but what the school needs are fun activities. You can't just go to school and sit at your desk for about six hours and go home to do your homework. We should be able to go home and tell our parents what we learned and how much fun we had at school. School needs to have fun activities for kids to get in shape, and to have fun. ”)

Content & Development

The writer provides effective content and development in the essay. He/she develops arguments using specific and relevant details to support the stated position. Furthermore, the writer references many of the ideas in the campaign speeches to support the assertion that Linda would be the better choice for class president.

The writer subtly addresses some of Brad’s campaign promises to bolster the advantages of voting for Linda instead. (“I already spend a lot of time on my lap top at home learning more about stuff I learned in school. We have lap tops to use at school anyway, so there is no need to increase computer lab time.”)

The writer’s details are comprehensive and well balanced. (“Having a fair at our school would be spectacular! Sometimes the school system has one of those fun family nights, but having a fair with rides, games, and prizes is so much better. I would love to have my family come and help with the fair; that way, my family will have fun too. I'd definitely love to try and win some prizes, and go on rides with my friends. There would be a countless number of people there, having so much fun at the fair, if Linda was elected for president. ”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“Spending more time outside sounds great. It would be awesome if my teacher could take my class outside and teach us what she has to teach in the bright, yellow sun. I agree having to take local field trips outside of our school. Going to the park would be fun. We would be playing on the playground, swinging on the swings, and climbing the jungle bar. ”)

Organization

The essay presents a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing and subtle transitions that keep the flow of the argument smooth and consistent.

The writer clearly states the thesis at the end of the introduction. (“I'm voting for Linda because I think she would be a great class president. Her ideas sound really great to me, and if she wins the election, school will be much more thrilling. The ideas she came up with sound really good for the school. Linda sounds like she would make a great president. Therefore, I think Linda should be the class president, instead of Brad.”)

Transitions help show how ideas are related or connected. The writer should consider using more transitions to promote the flow and the sequence of ideas in the essay. (“Clearly, these ideas sound really great for the school. School is about learning and all that, but what the school needs are fun activities. You can't just go to school and sit at your desk for about six hours and go home to do your homework. We should be able to go home and tell our parents what we learned and how much fun we had at school. School needs to have fun activities for kids to get in shape, and to have fun. ”)

The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“We should be able to go home and tell our parents what we learned and how much fun we had at school. School needs to have fun activities for kids to get in shape, and to have fun. Learning is cool, but you know what's cooler? Having to learn in the outdoors is cooler. I just don't think Brad's ideas for the school would create change. Voting for Linda would cause a great change to the school.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses good language to argue his/her position on the issue effectively. (“Having longer gym classes would be a great thing for the school. We spend our whole day sitting at our desks. What we need is to get up and start exercising. I agree with Linda about making gym classes longer. What's the point in sitting at our desks for the whole day? We need to be more active to be in shape. Sitting at our desks the whole day is not going to get us the exercise we need. We need longer gym classes with fun activities that help us get into shape. Having PE is important. That's why the school district should increase the time we have for gym class. ”)

The writer combines short sentences by using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. (“Having a fair at our school would be spectacular! Sometimes the school system has one of those fun family nights, but having a fair with rides, games, and prizes is so much better. I would love to have my family come and help with the fair; that way, my family will have fun too. I'd definitely love to try and win some prizes, and go on rides with my friends. ”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. (“The library would be a great place to go to select out some books every week. I hate having homework as other kids, but I do it anyway. Homework can be sometimes hard, but I figure out a way to solve the problem or answer the question. After having a hard time with homework, I just watch TV and relax.”) Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and words are spelled correctly. (“It would be awesome if my teacher could take my class outside and teach us what she has to teach in the bright, yellow sun. I agree having to take local field trips outside of our school. Going to the park would be fun. We would be playing on the playground, swinging on the swings, and climbing the jungle bar. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Vote for Brad, vote for Brad!

Who likes homework? I don't. Who likes computers? I love them! Who deserves better school lunches for their hard work? We do! Brad has promised us all that we can wish for in a school, so who wouldn't vote for him? If we vote for Brad, we'll come home happy and healthy.

Brad promised us less homework. If you adore homework, then don't vote, but if you like hanging out with friends and family, and going to fun places, then Brad's your class Chief Executive! Brad promised that no homework would be a blast, right? Well, it can if you vote him for class president. Linda promised outside lessons on that dirty, unforgiving soil. Brad promised little homework, and more fun! Now who sounds like a better class president so far?

Not only did Brad promise more fun and less work, he also decided that we would have better cafeteria food. Eating the same meals every week is dull, but now we may even have a whole day where McDonald's is being served ... with seconds! Imagine how disgusting the tacos and tortillas are now, but if we choose Brad to be class president, we might have tacos and tortillas straight from Mexico! Every day it's that boring slop that the lunch ladies call food, but with Brad as class president, we might have a four-course lobster meal every Friday! This food sounds persuading, and it makes me hungry, but if you think that a four-course lobster meal is a great deal, then you didn't hear Brad's last promise.

The last thing that Brad has ensured us of was more time in the computer lab. We all work so hard to do our work hand written, but for once, I think that we'd all like to do work and play games on a computer. Our hopefully future class Chief Executive, Brad, has promised us that we'll have fun at school, and if we vote him class president, we will! Who likes to play games? Well, if we choose Brad as class president, we'll be able to play games all that we want! We'll be able to play games on the computers, and we'll indubitably be able to do classwork on the computers. It's a double threat! That was Brad's final offer, absolutely intimidating, agree?

Brad has promised us less homework, better school lunches, and more computer lab time. With all of those offers, and the fact that most of the offers that Linda made were promising getting dirty and spending your allowance on washing clothes, then you can't turn down the offer to vote for Brad as class president. So exert yourself, and choose Brad for class Chief Executive.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes an opinion/position/thesis statement about who to vote for in the class election and adequately attempts to argue the issue presented in the prompt task . Additionally, the writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience and satisfies many parts of the prompt task.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“Vote for Brad, vote for Brad! Who likes homework? I don't. Who likes computers? I love them! Who deserves better school lunches for their hard work? We do! Brad has promised us all that we can wish for in a school, so who wouldn't vote for him? If we vote for Brad, we'll come home happy and healthy.”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Brad has promised us less homework, better school lunches, and more computer lab time. With all of those offers, and the fact that most of the offers that Linda made were promising getting dirty and spending your allowance on washing clothes, then you can't turn down the offer to vote for Brad as class president.”)

Most of the time, the writer uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; he/she does use some versions of informal language, but it reflects the writer’s chosen style rather than a lack of awareness of audience. (“Eating the same meals every week is dull, but now we may even have a whole day where McDonald's is being served ... with seconds! Imagine how disgusting the tacos and tortillas are now, but if we choose Brad to be class president, we might have tacos and tortillas straight from Mexico! Every day it's that boring slop that the lunch ladies call food, but with Brad as class president, we might have a four-course lobster meal every Friday!”)

Content & Development

The essay contains adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using specific and relevant details to support the stated position. Additionally, he/she addresses the advantages of voting for Brad that were mentioned in the text to bolster the argument.

The writer’s details support the argument for choosing Brad as the next class president. (“The last thing that Brad has ensured us of was more time in the computer lab. We all work so hard to do our work hand written, but for once, I think that we'd all like to do work and play games on a computer. Our hopefully future class Chief Executive, Brad, has promised us that we'll have fun at school, and if we vote him class president, we will! Who likes to play games? Well, if we choose Brad as class president, we'll be able to play games all that we want! We'll be able to play games on the computers, and we'll indubitably be able to do classwork on the computers. It's a double threat!”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“Not only did Brad promise more fun and less work, he also decided that we would have better cafeteria food. Eating the same meals every week is dull, but now we may even have a whole day where McDonald's is being served ... with seconds! Imagine how disgusting the tacos and tortillas are now, but if we choose Brad to be class president, we might have tacos and tortillas straight from Mexico! Every day it's that boring slop that the lunch ladies call food, but with Brad as class president, we might have a four-course lobster meal every Friday! This food sounds persuading, and it makes me hungry, but if you think that a four-course lobster meal is a great deal, then you didn't hear Brad's last promise.”)

The writer addresses the advantages of voting for Brad that were mentioned in the text to argue his/her position more effectively. (“Brad promised us less homework. If you adore homework, then don't vote, but if you like hanging out with friends and family, and going to fun places, then Brad's your class Chief Executive! Brad promised that no homework would be a blast, right? Well, it can if you vote him for class president. Linda promised outside lessons on that dirty, unforgiving soil. Brad promised little homework, and more fun! Now who sounds like a better class president so far?”)

Organization

The writer provides adequate organization in the essay. He/she demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices and, overall, the writer’s message is adequate for the task presented.

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. (“Vote for Brad, vote for Brad! Who likes homework? I don't. Who likes computers? I love them! Who deserves better school lunches for their hard work? We do! Brad has promised us all that we can wish for in a school, so who wouldn't vote for him? If we vote for Brad, we'll come home happy and healthy.”)

The writer uses subtle transitions to move from one idea to the next. (“Not only did Brad promise more fun and less work, he also decided that we would have better cafeteria food. Eating the same meals every week is dull, but now we may even have a whole day where McDonald's is being served ... with seconds! Imagine how disgusting the tacos and tortillas are now, but if we choose Brad to be class president, we might have tacos and tortillas straight from Mexico!”) Transitions help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected.

The writer’s conclusion adequately wraps up his/her argument. (“Brad has promised us less homework, better school lunches, and more computer lab time. With all of those offers, and the fact that most of the offers that Linda made were promising getting dirty and spending your allowance on washing clothes, then you can't turn down the offer to vote for Brad as class president. So exert yourself, and choose Brad for class Chief Executive.”)

Language Use & Style

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“Not only did Brad promise more fun and less work, he also decided that we would have better cafeteria food. Eating the same meals every week is dull, but now we may even have a whole day where McDonald's is being served ... with seconds! Imagine how disgusting the tacos and tortillas are now, but if we choose Brad to be class president, we might have tacos and tortillas straight from Mexico!”)

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“Brad promised us less homework. If you adore homework, then don't vote, but if you like hanging out with friends and family, and going to fun places, then Brad's your class Chief Executive! Brad promised that no homework would be a blast, right? Well, it can if you vote him for class president. Linda promised outside lessons on that dirty, unforgiving soil. Brad promised little homework, and more fun! Now who sounds like a better class president so far?”)

The writer expresses enthusiasm through his/her word choices and punctuation. (“Who likes to play games? Well, if we choose Brad as class president, we'll be able to play games all that we want! We'll be able to play games on the computers, and we'll indubitably be able to do classwork on the computers. It's a double threat! That was Brad's final offer, absolutely intimidating, agree?”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and most word choices are spelled correctly. (“We all work so hard to do our work hand written, but for once, I think that we'd all like to do work and play games on a computer. Our hopefully future class Chief Executive, Brad, has promised us that we'll have fun at school, and if we vote him class president, we will! Who likes to play games? Well, if we choose Brad as class president, we'll be able to play games all that we want!”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I would vote for Brad as our class president because he sounds like a good kid, and all of his reasons sound good and interesting. Linda on the other hand doesn't have that many great or persuasive reasons.

Brad should become the class president because he said all he things that I would wish our school had. It would be cool if we can have better food, less homework, and more time to search the Internet. If we had less homework then life would be so much easier because we wouldn't have to spend all day doing boring work that we already learned in class. Our school doesn't have the best food and it's not quality if we can have better food that tastes likes it from a restaurant, and if we can have more computer time then we would no more about technology and it's easier if all you have to do is look up something and it'll pop up in seconds. It would be much better if Brad was our class president and you should think that too.

I think that Brad should be our president and that you should vote for him. He sounds like a good person and maybe all the things that he says can actually happen less homework, more computers, and better food. Just think of it, school would actually be funner than usual and we can have an awesome school year.

I really consider that you vote for Brad and not Linda. What does Linda have thats so great more P.E. thats something cool and all, but would you rather have P.E. or less homework. She said that there would be a carnival, but Brad can do that if he wanted to. So maybe you should let Brad be the class president maybe not the choice is still yours though.

It would be niuce if you voted for Linda, but it would be much more better if you voted for Brad.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion /position/thesis statement on the argument of who would make a better class president but may be unclear or underdeveloped in arguing the issue presented in the prompt task. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The writer expresses a limited opinion /position/thesis statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“I would vote for Brad as our class president because he sounds like a good kid, and all of his reasons sound good and interesting. Linda on the other hand doesn't have that many great or persuasive reasons.”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“Our school doesn't have the best food and it's not quality if we can have better food that tastes likes it from a restaurant, and if we can have more computer time then we would no more about technology and it's easier if all you have to do is look up something and it'll pop up in seconds. It would be much better if Brad was our class president and you should think that too.”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer does attempt to address the readers but is very limited in the use of persuasive terms to convince the readers of the writer’s point of view. (“She said that there would be a carnival, but Brad can do that if he wanted to. So maybe you should let Brad be the class president maybe not the choice is still yours though.It would be niuce if you voted for Linda, but it would be much more better if you voted for Brad.”)

Content & Development

The essay contains limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the argument for or against the two candidates in the classroom election. The writer mentions some advantages in voting for Brad but does not develop them in meaningful ways.

The essay is limited in expanding on points that would explain Brad as the better candidate. (“I really consider that you vote for Brad and not Linda. What does Linda have thats so great more P.E. thats something cool and all, but would you rather have P.E. or less homework. She said that there would be a carnival, but Brad can do that if he wanted to.”)

The writer includes a personal anecdote that attempts to explain or illustrate his/her stance on the issue. (“I think that Brad should be our president and that you should vote for him. He sounds like a good person and maybe all the things that he says can actually happen less homework, more computers, and better food. Just think of it, school would actually be funner than usual and we can have an awesome school year.”) Although this gives the readers a limited amount of insight into the candidate’s character, it is not an effective support for the argument.

The essay needs details that are clear and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas for some of the things Brad would do for the school if elected president, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce the stated position on the issue. (“ Brad should become the class president because he said all he things that I would wish our school had. It would be cool if we can have better food, less homework, and more time to search the Internet. If we had less homework then life would be so much easier because we wouldn't have to spend all day doing boring work that we already learned in class. ”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is limited at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, incorporates use of paragraphing, but lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The introduction does not engage the readers nor does it convey the writer’s position on the class election effectively. (“I would vote for Brad as our class president because he sounds like a good kid, and all of his reasons sound good and interesting. Linda on the other hand doesn't have that many great or persuasive reasons. ”)

Transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. Because of the lack of transitional devices, the readers may not be led to a logical conclusion. (“Our school doesn't have the best food and it's not quality if we can have better food that tastes likes it from a restaurant, and if we can have more computer time then we would no more about technology and it's easier if all you have to do is look up something and it'll pop up in seconds. It would be much better if Brad was our class president and you should think that too. I think that Brad should be our president and that you should vote for him.”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited way, but it does not summarize arguments, leave the readers with something to think about, or tell them what to do next. (“It would be niuce if you voted for Linda, but it would be much more better if you voted for Brad.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is limited in the essay. The writer demonstrates some awareness of audience and control of voice but relies on simple language with insufficient sentence variety and word choices.

The essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/ position/ thesis statement. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“Brad should become the class president because he said all he things that I would wish our school had. It would be cool if we can have better food, less homework, and more time to search the Internet. If we had less homework then life would be so much easier because we wouldn't have to spend all day doing boring work that we already learned in class. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay response. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. (“Our school doesn't have the best food and it's not quality if we can have better food that tastes likes it from a restaurant, and if we can have more computer time then we would no more about technology and it's easier if all you have to do is look up something and it'll pop up in seconds. It would be much better if Brad was our class president and you should think that too.”)

Sentence structures are weak and do not effectively communicate the writer’s ideas to the intended audience. Additionally, there is informal language employed in many portions of the essay. (“I really consider that you vote for Brad and not Linda. What does Linda have thats so great more P.E. thats something cool and all, but would you rather have P.E. or less homework. She said that there would be a carnival, but Brad can do that if he wanted to. So maybe you should let Brad be the class president maybe not the choice is still yours though.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“He sounds like a good person and maybe all the things that he says can actually happen less homework, more computers, and better food. Just think of it, school would actually be funner than usual and we can have an awesome school year. I really consider that you vote for Brad and not Linda. What does Linda have thats so great more P.E. thats something cool and all, but would you rather have P.E. or less homework.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Have you have less time on the computer,eat same food everyday,and have lots of home and choose a class president that will help you well i have.

I like to vote for Brad because he is going to help and try to change it and have more time on the computer,eat different kinds of foods everyday and have less homework everyday.If Brad changes it like that it would make school easier.But its going to take time for everyone to vote and he might not be the class president so hope he does.Then if Brad is class president we can get more intresting medals like those you would see at real resturaunts.Plus Brad can probably be my friend at school for being class president and helping all of us. I like computers to learn in the internet and learn lots and lots of new things.Thats why I want Brad to be class president.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides minimal focus and meaning. The writer makes little attempt to state an opinion/position/thesis or argue the issue presented in the prompt task. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and, consequently, c ompletes few parts of the task.

The essay does not state a clearly defined opinion /position/thesis about the issue. (“Have you have less time on the computer,eat same food everyday,and have lots of home and choose a class president that will help you well i have.”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended the readers. (“ But its going to take time for everyone to vote and he might not be the class president so hope he does.Then if Brad is class president we can get more intresting medals like those you would see at real resturaunts.Plus Brad can probably be my friend at school for being class president and helping all of us. ”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“I like computers to learn in the internet and learn lots and lots of new things.Thats why I want Brad to be class president”)

Content & Development

The writer develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support his/her position on casting a vote for Brad. The writer would bolster the argument by clearly asserting an opinion that would lead the readers to a logical conclusion. The lack of support leaves the essay response minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion/position/thesis statement. (“ I like to vote for Brad because he is going to help and try to change it and have more time on the computer,eat different kinds of foods everyday and have less homework everyday.If Brad changes it like that it would make school easier.But its going to take time for everyone to vote and he might not be the class president so hope he does. ”)

Because the writer’s response to the prompt task is minimal, the essay does not contain at least three main ideas as evidence. The writer should keep in mind that each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“ Then if Brad is class president we can get more intresting medals like those you would see at real resturaunts.Plus Brad can probably be my friend at school for being class president and helping all of us. ”)

Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. These details can include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. Providing these details will result in an essay response that integrates solid evidence into the stated position on the issue. Without these details, the writer tends to repeat the same theme throughout the essay. (“Have you have less time on the computer,eat same food everyday,and have lots of home and choose a class president that will help you well i have. I like to vote for Brad because he is going to help and try to change it and have more time on the computer,eat different kinds of foods everyday and have less homework everyday.”)

Organization

There is minimal organization of ideas in the task response. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“Have you have less time on the computer,eat same food everyday,and have lots of home and choose a class president that will help you well i have.”)

The essay does not contain supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position effectively. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“ I like to vote for Brad because he is going to help and try to change it and have more time on the computer,eat different kinds of foods everyday and have less homework everyday.If Brad changes it like that it would make school easier.But its going to take time for everyone to vote and he might not be the class president so hope he does. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay. It does not leave the readers with something to think about, nor does it tell them what to do next concerning the issue at hand. (“I like computers to learn in the internet and learn lots and lots of new things.Thats why I want Brad to be class president.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer employs run-on sentences that contain repetitive ideas. (“Have you have less time on the computer,eat same food everyday,and have lots of home and choose a class president that will help you well i have. I like to vote for Brad because he is going to help and try to change it and have more time on the computer,eat different kinds of foods everyday and have less homework everyday.”)

The writer does not provide a clear voice that emphasizes his/her position on the argument of casting a vote for a particular class president. (“If Brad changes it like that it would make school easier.But its going to take time for everyone to vote and he might not be the class president so hope he does.”)

The writer does not incorporate effective persuasive terms to convince the readers to support the writer’s point of view on the issue being debated. The writer can click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover word choices that would emphasize his/her message in a more convincing way. (“Plus Brad can probably be my friend at school for being class president and helping all of us. I like computers to learn in the internet and learn lots and lots of new things.Thats why I want Brad to be class president. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates minimal control of mechanics and conventions. He/she commits patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the intended message.

The writer does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization, many words are spelled incorrectly, there are run-on sentences, and there are several errors in subject-verb agreement. (“ Then if Brad is class president we can get more intresting medals like those you would see at real resturaunts. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I vote for Linda becaues i like piaying kickball and Linda didnot say that we will get less homework i like homework. I wont more gym work that what Linda said but Brad didnot say that. So that why i didnot vote for Brad said that why do we take homework home that why it calld homeworks . I kind of like homework so that why i didnot like Brad' idea to not have homework . Linda didnot say nothing about haveing no homework that why I like Linda idea. that why i voted for Linda and didnot vote for Brad.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates almost no effort at stating an opinion/position/thesis, and little attempt is made to argue the issue presented in the prompt task. As a result, the essay satisfies few requirements of the task.

The writer reveals whom he/she will vote for but fails to include detailed, supporting ideas to argue the asserted position effectively. The writer merely focuses on what he/she likes about each candidate’s proposal. (“ I vote for Linda becaues i like piaying kickball and Linda didnot say that we will get less homework i like homework. I wont more gym work that what Linda said but Brad didnot say that. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. (“Linda didnot say nothing about haveing no homework that why I like Linda idea. that why i voted for Linda and didnot vote for Brad.”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“ I vote for Linda becaues i like piaying kickball and Linda didnot say that we will get less homework i like homework. ”)

Content & Development

The essay contains inadequate content and development. Little or no attempt is made to use details to support the argument for casting a vote for Linda. The writer does express an opinion, but his/her thoughts are so incoherent that it is difficult to determine the intended message.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. (“I wont more gym work that what Linda said but Brad didnot say that. ”)

Since the one-paragraph response is so brief, there are no main ideas presented in body paragraphs in the essay. (“So that why i didnot vote for Brad said that why do we take homework home that why it calld homeworks . I kind of like homework so that why i didnot like Brad' idea to not have homework . ”) Additionally, at least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument.

The essay does not contain facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the stated viewpoint. The writer’s repetitive ideas detract from the message and confuse the intended audience. (“Linda didnot say nothing about haveing no homework that why I like Linda idea. that why i voted for Linda and didnot vote for Brad.”)

Organization

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. As a result, the essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“ I vote for Linda becaues i like piaying kickball and Linda didnot say that we will get less homework i like homework. ”)

Transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. (“ I wont more gym work that what Linda said but Brad didnot say that. So that why i didnot vote for Brad said that why do we take homework home that why it calld homeworks . I kind of like homework so that why i didnot like Brad' idea to not have homework . ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay, leaves the readers with something to think about, or tells them what to do next. (“Linda didnot say nothing about haveing no homework that why I like Linda idea. that why i voted for Linda and didnot vote for Brad.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer does not integrate effective use of language, voice, or style into the essay. He/she demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choices, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/position/thesis statement effectively. (“I vote for Linda becaues i like piaying kickball and Linda didnot say that we will get less homework i like homework. I wont more gym work that what Linda said but Brad didnot say that. So that why i didnot vote for Brad said that why do we take homework home that why it calld homeworks . ”) Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things more effectively.

Sentences are not well structured. (“Linda didnot say nothing about haveing no homework that why I like Linda idea. that why i voted for Linda and didnot vote for Brad.”)

Word choices are repetitive, and the rushed tone of the response leaves the readers a bit confused. (“ I wont more gym work that what Linda said but Brad didnot say that. So that why i didnot vote for Brad said that why do we take homework home that why it calld homeworks . ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. The essay has errors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the intended message.

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Contest Winner

You have won a contest and can go anywhere in the world on a trip with a friend or relative. You can designate both the person and the location of the trip. Where is the one place you would really like to go? Why is this such a good place?

Write a letter to your family persuading them to let you go.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

November 8, 2005

Dear Mom and Dad,

Guess what I've just won? I've won a trip to anywhere on earth for a vacation, and I think I'll go to Japan . I won this trip by winning an award in a writing contest. They say that it's a free trip for two people. This means I can take another person with me! I would pick one of you, but that wouldn't be fair, so I selected my friend, Jessica to come with me. I know she would love to go to Japan with me since she loves to gorge down exotic food, and Japan has many unique, tasty, and diverse kinds of food. She also has a Shiba Inu, a dog that originated in Japan . I'm sure she would die for an opportunity to see the place where the Shiba Inu came from. She will also enjoy going to a fresh, interesting land. She has never been out of the United States so going to Japan will excite her. I will go to Japan during my summer break. If I go there early in the summer, then it would be less crowded since summer vacation starts later in Japan than it does here.

There are many good reasons for you to allow me to go on this trip.

Japan has beautiful settings. You do want us to visit a good place, right? It has ancient castles and lovely beaches. The castles are aged and very elaborate. The castles are excellent places to visit in Japan . We might be able to get a hotel room in a sleepy part of Japan , and just stay there during our trip. In the village surrounding the castle, we may find ghosts lurking around looking for some innocent tourists. We can listen to the solitary ghosts, and stay up late. We'll tell frightful ghost stories that will put chills on anyone's spine. I know we will horrify ourselves. That's the merriment part of it! Only the castles polished wood and a ghostly atmosphere will encompass us in our room. In the morning when it is less threatening outside, we will search through the ruins. We might find something precious. The beaches in Japan have aqua blue water with white sand that has clear sparkles. The beaches of Japan always seem to be packed with people like a can of sardines. Jessica and I would be clever, and we will find more secluded and less preferred beaches. I heard there are some out there. We would float in the ocean on our surfboards and do nothing for a change. The beaches in Japan will also have many kinds of sea life, and it would be amazing to look at them. We could find jellyfishes, shellfish, and maybe even a tiny fish or two. By visiting the castles, we would learn about old Japanese lifestyle and culture. We can also learn about the materials with which castles are made from, and what happened inside of them. We will see the heavy armor that brave Japanese soldiers wore. We will also see old swords that were actually used in wars.

Jessica would love this next part of Japan more than any other part. It's Japanese food that she drools over. Japanese people consume lots of rice. They mostly eat sticky white rice- fried rice is considered to be Chinese food. Another huge Japanese favorite is miso soup. Miso soup is made from soybean paste, green onions, and/or seaweed. Sometimes they add tofu in it. It is very healthy soup to eat. Many other things can be added to miso soup to add personal flavor. Grilled fish also appear to be Japanese people's favorite. Red snapper, mackerel, and salmon are just a few examples of fish they grill. One of the most popular international Japanese food is sushi. Sushi is made with raw fish and rice. It is sometimes wrapped in seaweed. Vegetables, like cucumbers can take the place of raw fish. Sukiyaki is a one-pot meal, and its main ingredient is very thinly sliced beef. The quality of the beef is essential to a good sukiyaki. Jessica would start packing her bags if she heard about everything Japan can offer. In fact, I bet she would insist on staying in a hotel next to a fabulous restaurant in Japan . She has such devotion to eating! We would like to learn about what Japanese people eat, and what ingredients they use, and how to make the dishes. When Jessica and I are done admiring the landmarks, ancient castles, and Japanese food, we'll see what is in the big cities of Japan .

Japan has history going far back, but many of the cities in Japan have evolved into metropolitan cities, like Tokyo and Osaka . Some cities, like Kyoto and Nara , take pride in their ancient history. They show their pride with lots of museums about Japanese history. Nara was Japan 's capital from 710-784 AD, and has four temples. The Todai-ji Temple is the largest wooden building in the world. The Nara National Museum exhibits Buddhist arts. Nara Park was once wasteland, but now is a living ecosystem complete with about 1,000 deer. The deer are sacred symbols of the shrine Kasuga Taisha. We can feed the deer in the park. Special food for the deer is sold in the park for tourists. After feeding the deer, we would like to see some Buddhist arts and the four famous temples in Nara . Tokyo is the capital of Japan and is a very contemporary city. Tokyo has a miniature tree park called Bonsai Park . Bonsai is a really tiny tree in a tray of soil. The Ginza and Sony building are some of the most favored shopping complexes in Tokyo .

They have the most expensive and modern shops, nightclubs, and restaurants. The Sony building has many floors displaying state-of-the-art technologies. Tokyo is one of the most densely populated areas of the world. There are several hundred square miles of historical parks called The Imperial Palace. This is where the Japanese royal family lives. It's a peaceful break in a noisy city. The International Aquarium has many unusual species of fish like customary electric eels, sea horses, and local tropical life. We would walk around and talk for a bit in The Imperial Palace, if we are allowed to go in. We will learn a lot about Japanese history and modern Japanese cities, too.

Do you think I can handle this responsibility with Jessica? I would always lock the hotel door, and keep track of where we are. I heard that Japan is a trustworthy place to walk around, even at night. I would also watch out for Jessica. I will make sure she doesn't wander away or get hurt. I'm mature enough to take these responsibilities because I always do my homework and projects without you or the teachers yelling at me. I will also look both ways before crossing the streets, a key survival tip in Japan , since Japan is very crowded with cars and people. I will make sure that Jessica doesn't jump into the road or something. Most importantly, I will act mature. I won't whine or cry or have tantrums. I've outgrown that baby stuff, anyway. So may I please go to Japan for the summer with Jessica? I will be responsible and mature. Japan is a nice and safe place to visit with all the castles, beaches, museums, great food, and parks. Visiting Japan is an educational experience, too.

Your excited daughter,

Laura

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates a very effective focus and expresses a clear meaning. The author establishes a strong and effective controlling idea in the introduction. (“I've won a trip to anywhere on earth for a vacation, and I think I'll go to Japan . I won this trip by winning an award in a writing contest.”) This student has a clear understanding of the task and her audience. (“There are many good reasons for you to allow me to go on this trip.”) This response demonstrates the writer’s ability to persuade her readers by effectively developing support, addressing the audience, and thoroughly completing all parts of the assigned task.

Content & Development

This essay effectively develops the author’s arguments using many specific and relevant details. What makes this response so persuasive and effective is the wide variety of supporting information the author offers. It is obvious that this student is knowledgeable and uses what she has learned to maintain her argument. (“Some cities, like Kyoto and Nara , take pride in their ancient history. They show their pride with lots of museums about Japanese history. Nara was Japan 's capital from 710-784 AD, and has four temples. The Todai-ji Temple is the largest wooden building in the world. The Nara National Museum exhibits Buddhist arts. Nara Park was once wasteland, but now is a living ecosystem complete with about 1,000 deer.”) Such detailed and thoughtful particulars succeed in persuading the reader.

Organization

This response demonstrates an entirely unified organizational structure. The introductory paragraph starts off strong by attracting the reader’s attention. (“Guess what I've just won?”) Each body paragraph is focused and contains strong and appropriate transitional devices and topic sentences. (“ Japan has history going far back, but many of the cities in Japan have evolved into metropolitan cities, like Tokyo and Osaka .“) The concluding paragraph effectively continues to attempt to persuade her parents. (“I'm mature enough to take these responsibilities because I always do my homework and projects without you or the teachers yelling at me. I will also look both ways before crossing the streets, a key survival tip in Japan , since Japan is very crowded with cars and people. I will make sure that Jessica doesn't jump into the road or something. Most importantly, I will act mature.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay is composed using appropriate and effective language. Not only is word choice precise and very effective for this student’s grade level, but the student also demonstrates a defined voice. (“I know she would love to go to Japan with me since she loves to gorge down exotic food, and Japan has many unique, tasty, and diverse kinds of food. “) Additionally, sentences are well-structured and varied. (“By visiting the castles, we would learn about old Japanese lifestyle and culture. We can also learn about the materials with which castles are made from, and what happened inside of them.”) Through the use of such effective words and sentences, it is obvious that this student has a clear sense of the audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

While not without errors in mechanics and conventions, the few mistakes do not interfere with the intended message. This response demonstrates the author’s effective control over standard written English.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Mom and Dad,

November 9, 2005

Do you remember the modeling contest I tried out for? Well, I won! They said that I can go anywhere in the whole entire world of my choice! Now, I have the big job of making some important decisions. The judge of the contest said I can choose a companion to join me. The person I choose can be a relative or a friend! But, before I can do any of this, she said, "I need your permission!"

I would like to go to Hawaii. The reason I want to go to Hawaii is because it has nice sandy beaches and beautiful views. Also, because the water there is so warm and delightful! Some other things that I look forward to doing are traveling around and looking at all of the wildlife, going to the beaches to tan, and of course swimming! I think I would learn a lot by going to Hawaii . Hawaii is known as a paradise, it would be such a treat to see the beauty that God has given to us! Also learning how Hawiian people live, eat, and what their houses look like! I do remember you saying you went to Hawaii for your honeymoon, and saying how beautiful it was. So I think you guys would like for me to experience it as well!

The timing is all up to you guys, but I was thinking about leaving in a couple of weeks. I think that would allow me enough time to plan what I want to do, when I will do it, and still have enough time to pack all of my clothes! We probably will need to get airplane tickets, hotel reservations, and restaurant information together as soon as possible. Keep in mind that the modeling company pays for everything. In my opinion I think this is a great opportunity for me, and it is a great deal for you guys, too!

Now, for who I was thinking about bringing. I was thinking about bringing Lydia because it has been both of our dreams to go to Hawaii ! If you guys don't like that idea that is fine, because I haven't asked Lydia yet. So, it is all up to you!

Please let me go! This has been my dream! So will you please talk about it and e-mail me when you have the answer! I love you and keep that in your mind when you think about it! I think I will learn a lot if I go there!

Sincerly,

Jasmine

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay establishes a clear controlling idea designed to articulate the author’s opinion and convince the reader. (“Do you remember the modeling contest I tried out for? Well, I won! They said that I can go anywhere in the whole entire world of my choice!”) Throughout the essay, the thesis is successfully maintained and supported, which demonstrates the student’s ability to understand the purpose of this assignment. (“But, before I can do any of this, she said, ‘I need your permission!’”) This essay aptly completes most parts of the task.

Content & Development

This essay develops ideas using specific and relevant details and examples. For example, in the second paragraph, the student explains the variety of things she’d like to experience in Hawaii . (“Some other things that I look forward to doing are traveling around and looking at all of the wildlife, going to the beaches to tan, and of course swimming! I think I would learn a lot by going to Hawaii .”) Each supporting paragraph provides accurate and relevant reasoning and elaboration. Sufficient content development is exhibited in this response.

Organization

This response demonstrates a mostly unified structure. The introductory paragraph attempts to grab the reader’s attention and establishes a purpose for the letter. Each body paragraph is focused around a key idea, and transitional devices are incorporated (“Also”, “So”, Now,”). The conclusion summarizes the essay’s most important points and attempts to persuade the reader one final time. (“This has been my dream! So will you please talk about it and e-mail me when you have the answer! I love you and keep that in your mind when you think about it! I think I will learn a lot if I go there!”)

Language Use & Style

The author’s language use and style are suitable for the assigned task. This response conveys, for the most part, strong and appropriate word choice and sentence structure. (“ Hawaii is known as a paradise, it would be such a treat to see the beauty that God has given to us! Also learning how Hawiian people live, eat, and what their houses look like! I do remember you saying you went to Hawaii for your honeymoon, and saying how beautiful it was. So I think you guys would like for me to experience it as well!”) Even some evidence of voice is noticeable in this response.

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates good control of the conventions and mechanics of standard written English. While a few minor errors in grammar, punctuation, or spelling (“Hawiian“ and “Sincerely”) are detectable, they do not detract from the overall presentation of the message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Mom and Dad,

I am so excited because I have just won a trip to any were in the world that I want. I know it's allot to take in but just here me out. I went to school today and they announced that any won with distinguished honors or just plain old honors come to mr.Kennedys office, when I got there he told us that the school was paying to let all the kids who had gotten no lower then a C to go to any place in the world they wont and can take one person along. I was thinking that I would go to Hawaii with Aunt Jen. I think that this is reasonable because Aunt Jen is very responsible.

I was thinking that we could go to Hawaii during the Summer. That way I would not haft to miss any school,and Aunt Jen would not haft to mis work. If I was able to go to Hawaii I would be able to learn about a whole different cloture and how they live out there life. Some things that I would want to learn are there hobbies and then maybe I could try them. Some of these hobbies are surfing and hula dancing. I also would love to try there food. I do not think that I have ever had any Hawaiian food before. This would be a good opportunity to try something new.

Some places that I would like to visit are volcano sights and hula dancing shows. Both of these will show how much different there life is from ours. I am sure that this is going to be the best trip ever! I really hope that you will approve of this and let me go on this amazing trip. I have really thought this through and made sure that I could do every thing in my power to make this easy for both of you.

So you do what you feel is right, and please ether write back or you can just come by my room! And once again I would really love it if I was able to go to Hawaii .

Love

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay can best be described as an adequate completion of the task. The student establishes a controlling idea (“I was thinking that I would go to Hawaii with Aunt Jen. I think that this is reasonable because Aunt Jen is very responsible.”) and demonstrates a basic understanding of the assignment. The central idea is maintained throughout the essay and demonstrates the student’s general understanding of the purpose of this task and the intended audience. Many parts of the assignment are completed.

Content & Development

This author develops her thesis using some accurate and relevant arguments. (“Some places that I would like to visit are volcano sights and hula dancing shows. Both of these will show how much different there life is from ours. I am sure that this is going to be the best trip ever!”) Although the arguments could be further developed with more specific details and examples, the author’s reasoning remains adequate and persuasive.

Organization

This essay demonstrates a satisfactory organizational structure. The introduction attempts to grab the reader’s interest and addresses the writing prompt. (“I am so excited because I have just won a trip to any were in the world that I want.”) Each body paragraph is centered around a particular key idea but could be further improved by incorporating more transitional devices. The conclusion is noticeable and appropriately attempts to persuade the audience one final time. (“And once again I would really love it if I was able to go to Hawaii .”)

Language Use & Style

While the author’s writing style is not sophisticated, the language use is appropriate for this task. Correct sentence structure and word choice are seen in this response. (“I also would love to try there food. I do not think that I have ever had any Hawaiian food before. This would be a good opportunity to try something new.”) The style is adequate for the audience and assignment.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author displays adequate control of conventions and mechanics, even though there are some errors. These mistakes in spelling (“haft to”), punctuation (“mr.Kennedys office”), and grammar (“inbetween“) do not significantly interfere with the author’s message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear,Dad

since I won the contest I want to go to New York with my friend.You know Ruben from next door him and the contest said if you win you can take any friend any were you want so I pick him. And if you do not Aggrey with me then lat me give you some reason.My First reason is why is New York a good place to ,and what will I do for you if you let me go and how will I make you hear are my reasons.

I think New York is a good place to go because we have alot of family there and it is alms Christmas so what a good time of welcoming.And we will have some were good to stay so you wont have some one stay with us like my brother and you have to pay for it.What Imam trying to say is we can go to Mather my brothers house or your sisters house or Jr's house.So we have no problem staying there and the drive to New York it is not that long it is only two hours if you take stops.That is why I think going to New York is a good place to go.

If you let me I will promos you that I will clean my room for a whole week and wash the dishes for two hole weeks .And that I will not bother you will you are sleeping and that if I go to new York I will bring you back a souvenir.And a nosher thing is I will do all my chores when it is my tern and I will try to behave mor at home and do better in school

so I hope you say yes and I got perraison to go.

love

Jeremiah

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author attempts to establish an opinion in response to the prompt. (“since I won the contest I want to go to New York with my friend.You know Ruben from next door him and the contest said if you win you can take any friend any were you want so I pick him.”) However, the thesis is not completely clear or developed. The argument is limited and demonstrates mediocre persuasive capabilities. This response only completes some parts of the task.

Content & Development

The arguments in this essay are briefly and inconsistently developed. The author suggests several reasons to support his/her main idea but does not adequately develop them. For example, some of the ideas in the second paragraph are unclear and limited. (“And we will have some were good to stay so you wont have some one stay with us like my brother and you have to pay for it.What Imam trying to say is we can go to Mather my brothers house or your sisters house or Jr's house.So we have no problem staying there and the drive to New York it is not that long it is only two hours if you take stops.”)

Organization

This essay is constructed with limited organization. There are three paragraphs but they are limited in their focus and structure. The controlling idea in the introduction is unclear thereby hindering the effectiveness of the paragraph. (“My First reason is why is New York a good place to ,and what will I do for you if you let me go and how will I make you hear are my reasons.”) The supporting paragraphs could be improved with greater focus, clearer topic sentences, and transitional devices. The conclusion is lacking because it consists of only one sentence. (“so I hope you say yes and I got perraison to go.”)

Language Use & Style

The author’s language is limited and unsophisticated. Word choice and sentence structure demonstrate this simplicity. (“And that I will not bother you will you are sleeping and that if I go to new York I will bring you back a souvenir.And a nosher thing is I will do all my chores when it is my tern and I will try to behave mor at home and do better in school”) Overall, the language use is problematic and could be significantly improved.

Mechanics & Conventions

The response demonstrates a limited control of the conventions and mechanics of standard written English. There are several noticeable errors in grammar (“alot”), punctuation (“My First reason”), and spelling (“if you do not Aggrey with me” and “I will promos you”) that somewhat interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Madison,

Last week I won a contest to go to California with a friend to sing with Jesse McCartney. I picked you because, your my favorite cousin. I know your in love with him so that's why I chose you. The date to go is August 3, 2005. The time to be there is 2:30pm. We are leaving at 1:00am. It wi l l be about a 5 hour plain ride. We will get there at about 6:00am.

Bring your hottest cloths, we want to look good don't we. I'm going to wear my long black D.A.R.E T-shirt, & my blue jean shorts. You should whare your, green tank top, & your white acrobatic shorts. Maby we can do one of our dances form dance class, maby we can even b e in a music video.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay is limited in its ability to communicate a meaningful message to the reader. The author demonstrates some misunderstanding of the purpose of the assignment. Rather than writing to the family for permission, this student is writing to his/her friend. (“Last week I won a contest to go to California with a friend to sing with Jesse McCartney. I picked you because, your my favorite cousin.”) There is only minimal understanding of the audience due to the lack of development and persuasiveness. This student completes only a few parts of the task.

Content & Development

The author’s position is incompletely and minimally argued. While some details are present (“The date to go is August 3, 2005. The time to be there is 2:30pm. We are leaving at 1:00am. It will be about a 5 hour plain ride. We will get there at about 6:00am.”), they are not persuasive nor do they adequately respond to the prompt or audience.

Organization

This essay demonstrates only minimal organization and little evidence of structure. The response consists of only two paragraphs. While there are two paragraphs, it is hard to discern the characteristics of an introduction or a body within them. The essay lacks organization and could be greatly improved with a proper introduction, conclusion, structured body paragraphs, and transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

While the language use is not wholly inappropriate, it lacks effective sentence structure and variety. (“I picked you because, your my favorite cousin. I know your in love with him so that's why I chose you. The date to go is August 3, 2005.”) Word choice is simple and unremarkable but not problematic. (“Bring your hottest cloths, we want to look good don't we. I'm going to wear my long black D.A.R.E T-shirt, & my blue jean shorts.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Several significant errors are easily detected in this essay. Mistakes in spelling (“whare” and “5 hour plain ride “), punctuation (“I know your in love “), and grammar substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

yes'' i win a contest and i get to pick any place i went to go and some one to go w i th me so i pick my sister.I would really really like to go see b2k and get a pictuare with them. I think it is a good place cause j boog is going to be there

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Overall, this response fails to complete any parts of the task. The author makes almost no effort in stating a position. (“yes'' i win a contest and i get to pick any place i went to go and some one to go with me so i pick my sister”) A controlling idea is not developed or maintained. No parts of this assignment are appropriately completed.

Content & Development

The essay fails to develop any effective arguments or provide support with details and examples. Inappropriate and irrelevant reasons are the only arguments offered. (“I would really really like to go see b2k and get a pictuare with them. I think it is a good place cause j boog is going to be there“) The content isn’t cohesive, developed, or meaningful.

Organization

In the space of three lines, the reader cannot discern any evidence of an organizational structure. The essay lacks an introduction, body paragraphs, transitional devices, and a conclusion. Thus, the essay is inadequately organized.

Language Use & Style

The author’s language use and style are unclear and incoherent. (“yes’' i win a contest and i get to pick any place i went to go and some one to go with me”) Word choice and sentence structure contain major errors and are inadequate.

Mechanics & Conventions

This response demonstrates no control of the conventions of standard written English. The errors in grammar (“it is a good place cause”), punctuation (“i win a contest”), and spelling (“pictuare”) substantially detract from the author’s message.

Create a New School Holiday

Most students like school holidays. Think about a new school holiday that could be created. Write a letter to your principal about the new holiday you would like your school to create.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Principal,

Wow! It's definitely time for a new school holiday. We, the students and the teachers, have been working really hard for the first hundred days of school! The teachers and students would surely be very happy for a holiday. Say, that's a really good idea! We should have a new school holiday. A holiday should be made to celebrate the first hundred days of school, and for the effort put in by students and teachers for completing them. A hundredth day of school holiday would make a great one because it is a chance to relax, have fun, maybe go on a school outing, so it would still be educational.

One reason that students should have a chance to relax is that they have been working hard for the first hundred days of school. Kids are always looking for time to get a chance to do what they really want. Both teachers and students should have a chance to celebrate all the hard effort that went into the work they did for those days. The students really need a chance to relax, have a lot of fun, and get a chance to do what they really love and want to do. The teachers deserve a break as well. They have been working very hard to teach the students. They should definitely have a chance to relax, too. Teachers would be able to kick back and unwind for a few days. Lots of teachers have hobbies too, and they would get even less time to pursue those than the students. Two or three day to relax and catch up on their favorite activity would be much appreciated.

Another great reason to have this hundredth day of school holiday is that the students would have a chance to pursue the hobbies they love. If they like sports, it would be chance to go out and get exercise. Kids could go play with their friends. Playing with their friends gives students the chance to combine ideas with friends and use their imaginations to create an adventure together. Students need a chance to use their imagination more often. Playing board or card games with friends also helps students develop strategy. Playing outside gives them a chance to exercise and have fun. Doing crafts with friends help students and their friends find talents and help each other develop them.

Some student's parents and teachers may not think that this school holiday is a good idea at all because their students will not be learning about anything and it's a waste of time. This excuse is simply not true. It is a great idea to go on an outing during the holiday to a really fun and interesting place. Museums are a great idea, because students would enjoy the displays and have fun to look at things in museums, and the students would still be learning. There are several types of museums that each have different information to offer. There art museums where you can learn about art in different time periods. There are museums that show ancient animals. Students can see all sorts of animals and learn about them. They could discover all sorts of intriguing things they never dreamed about. Zoos would also be a great way for the kids to get their exercise and learn about interesting animals in nature. Swimming pools would be a great idea, too because it gives students the chance to interact with one another, as well as having fun, interacting, and getting their exercise. They would still be learning something, and they would be having fun with one another.

So, you see that this holiday is a perfect one. It has absolutely everything a holiday should have to offer. It allows a chance for students and teachers to relax. It gives students a chance to do what they really love to do. It offers them a chance for their imagination and creativeness to grow and it is a chance for them to find out what skills they really have and need to work on. They would be interacting with their friends and fellow classmates. And, most importantly, it offers the student a chance to learn more in a really fun and interesting way. This holiday is sure to be a good one.

Sincerely,

Student A

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion to effectively persuade readers. The response reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of the purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

After the writer grabs the readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinionative statement. (“Wow! It's definitely time for a new school holiday. We, the students and the teachers, have been working really hard for the first hundred days of school! The teachers and students would surely be very happy for a holiday. Say, that's a really good idea! We should have a new school holiday. A holiday should be made to celebrate the first hundred days of school, and for the effort put in by students and teachers for completing them.”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“A holiday should be made to celebrate the first hundred days of school, and for the effort put in by students and teachers for completing them. A hundredth day of school holiday would make a great one because it is a chance to relax, have fun, maybe go on a school outing, so it would still be educational.”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for the purpose of convincing the intended audience of the stated point of view. (“Another great reason to have this hundredth day of school holiday is that the students would have a chance to pursue the hobbies they love. If they like sports, it would be chance to go out and get exercise. Kids could go play with their friends. Playing with their friends gives students the chance to combine ideas with friends and use their imaginations to create an adventure together.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue of a new holiday at school. The essay aptly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“Some student's parents and teachers may not think that this school holiday is a good idea at all because their students will not be learning about anything and it's a waste of time. This excuse is simply not true. It is a great idea to go on an outing during the holiday to a really fun and interesting place.”)

The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, examples, and/or anecdotes to illustrate his/her point of view. (“Museums are a great idea, because students would enjoy the displays and have fun to look at things in museums, and the students would still be learning. There are several types of museums that each have different information to offer. There art museums where you can learn about art in different time periods. There are museums that show ancient animals. Students can see all sorts of animals and learn about them. They could discover all sorts of intriguing things they never dreamed about.”)

The details in the paragraphs make the essay more persuasive by including a challenge to readers. (“Teachers would be able to kick back and unwind for a few days. Lots of teachers have hobbies too, and they would get even less time to pursue those than the students. Two or three day to relax and catch up on their favorite activity would be much appreciated.”) The writer successfully asks the readers to imagine a scenario and think about themselves in the same position, actively engaging them in the debate.

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. The writer demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. Paragraphs and transitional devices are used effectively to create a unified and well-structured essay.

The introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. (“Wow! It's definitely time for a new school holiday. We, the students and the teachers, have been working really hard for the first hundred days of school! The teachers and students would surely be very happy for a holiday. Say, that's a really good idea! We should have a new school holiday. A holiday should be made to celebrate the first hundred days of school, and for the effort put in by students and teachers for completing them. A hundredth day of school holiday would make a great one because it is a chance to relax, have fun, maybe go on a school outing, so it would still be educational.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “to start off,” “moving along,” “arguably,” and “in conclusion” to help move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Another great reason to have this hundredth day of school holiday is that the students would have a chance to pursue the hobbies they love.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument and leaves readers with a request to consider the writer’s points before arriving at a decision. (“So, you see that this holiday is a perfect one. It has absolutely everything a holiday should have to offer. It allows a chance for students and teachers to relax. It gives students a chance to do what they really love to do. It offers them a chance for their imagination and creativeness to grow and it is a chance for them to find out what skills they really have and need to work on. They would be interacting with their friends and fellow classmates. And, most importantly, it offers the student a chance to learn more in a really fun and interesting way. This holiday is sure to be a good one.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“They could discover all sorts of intriguing things they never dreamed about. Zoos would also be a great way for the kids to get their exercise and learn about interesting animals in nature. Swimming pools would be a great idea, too because it gives students the chance to interact with one another, as well as having fun, interacting, and getting their exercise.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“Wow! It's definitely time for a new school holiday. We, the students and the teachers, have been working really hard for the first hundred days of school! The teachers and students would surely be very happy for a holiday. Say, that's a really good idea!”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“One reason that students should have a chance to relax is that they have been working hard for the first hundred days of school. Kids are always looking for time to get a chance to do what they really want. Both teachers and students should have a chance to celebrate all the hard effort that went into the work they did for those days.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“Some student's parents and teachers may not think that this school holiday is a good idea at all because their students will not be learning about anything and it's a waste of time. This excuse is simply not true.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Principal,

I am a fifth grader at my elementary school and I believe that we should have Grandparents' Day off from school. First, it will give students time to buy or make last minute gifts. Second, it will give students a nice day off if their grandparents live out of state or they don't have any. Lastly, it will allow students to spend a whole day with their grandparents.

Most people give gifts to their grandparents on Grandparents' Day. Having a whole day off will allow the students time to buy or make gifts for their grandparents. I know my grandpa really likes homemade gifts and treats. If we had Grandparents' Day off I would actually have time to make these favorites of his.

Having Grandparents' Day off would let students who don't have grandparents or their grandparents live out of state, kick back and relax. This will let students take a load off and have a fun day away from school. It will also let students do activities with other family members like bowling or just hanging out at their house. Having Grandparents' Day off will provide students time to spend with their family and friends. It's great quality time for everyone.

Now, I know that my grandpa loves spending time with his children and grandchildren so having Grandparents' Day off would be a great thing to do because then kids can spend the whole day with their grandparents. This will allow students to get to know their grandparents a little bit better. Say your grandpa likes fishing and he has dreamed of taking you fishing for ages, well then the day off would be a great time. Or like in my mom's case, when she was a girl she always loved going to her grandparents' house because they had this crazy little Chihuahua. If she had Grandparents' Day off then she could stay at their house with the Chihuahua all day.

I understand that having a different day off could be better for the school and other students would like that day better, but overall I believe that we should have Grandparents' Day off.

Sincerely,

An Interested Student

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the essay are good. The essay satisfies most parts of the task. The writer establishes and maintains a clear position on the issue of creating a new school holiday in honor of grandparents to persuade readers. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“First, it will give students time to buy or make last minute gifts. Second, it will give students a nice day off if their grandparents live out of state or they don't have any. Lastly, it will allow students to spend a whole day with their grandparents. ”)

The thesis states what the writer believes about the issue. (“I am a fifth grader at my elementary school and I believe that we should have Grandparents' Day off from school. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“I am a fifth grader at my elementary school and I believe that we should have Grandparents' Day off from school. First, it will give students time to buy or make last minute gifts. Second, it will give students a nice day off if their grandparents live out of state or they don't have any. Lastly, it will allow students to spend a whole day with their grandparents. ”)

Content & Development

The writer provides good development of content and ideas in the essay. Arguments are developed using sufficient specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. The writer clearly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“I understand that having a different day off could be better for the school and other students would like that day better, but overall I believe that we should have Grandparents' Day off. ”)

Details are convincing. (“Now, I know that my grandpa loves spending time with his children and grandchildren so having Grandparents' Day off would be a great thing to do because then kids can spend the whole day with their grandparents. This will allow students to get to know their grandparents a little bit better. Say your grandpa likes fishing and he has dreamed of taking you fishing for ages, well then the day off would be a great time. ”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“Most people give gifts to their grandparents on Grandparents' Day. Having a whole day off will allow the students time to buy or make gifts for their grandparents. I know my grandpa really likes homemade gifts and treats. If we had Grandparents' Day off I would actually have time to make these favorites of his. ”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. The writer demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. Paragraphs and subtle transitions are used consistently to keep the flow of the argument smooth.

The writer clearly states the thesis in the introduction. (“I am a fifth grader at my elementary school and I believe that we should have Grandparents' Day off from school. First, it will give students time to buy or make last minute gifts. Second, it will give students a nice day off if their grandparents live out of state or they don't have any. Lastly, it will allow students to spend a whole day with their grandparents.”)

Transitions help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Now, I know that my grandpa loves spending time with his children and grandchildren so having Grandparents' Day off would be a great thing to do because then kids can spend the whole day with their grandparents. ”)

The conclusion wraps up the writer’s argument and leaves readers with something to think about. (“I understand that having a different day off could be better for the school and other students would like that day better, but overall I believe that we should have Grandparents' Day off. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Now, I know that my grandpa loves spending time with his children and grandchildren so having Grandparents' Day off would be a great thing to do because then kids can spend the whole day with their grandparents. This will allow students to get to know their grandparents a little bit better. ”)

The writer combines short sentences by using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. (“I understand that having a different day off could be better for the school and other students would like that day better, but overall I believe that we should have Grandparents' Day off. ”)

Language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. (“Having Grandparents' Day off would let students who don't have grandparents or their grandparents live out of state, kick back and relax. This will let students take a load off and have a fun day away from school. It will also let students do activities with other family members like bowling or just hanging out at their house. Having Grandparents' Day off will provide students time to spend with their family and friends. It's great quality time for everyone. ”) Coherent use of style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Ms. Principal,

I have a great new school holiday! It's called Off for Your Birthday. The title says the whole meaning of the new school holiday. It's a day where you get out of school on your birthday. Now all it needs is your approval. I just know it will be exemplary.

First, you can celebrate your birthday without going to school. What kid doesn't like that idea? I think everybody does. You can go wherever, and do whatever you want, after all it is your birthday. Have you ever had kids walk by you in a bad mood? Well, with this holiday they won't be irate because they didn't have to go to school on their birthday. They will be in the best mood they ever have been in. They will be hard-working and ready to learn the next day at school.

Second, it's not a problem if their one of those people that have to get perfect attendance. It's not a problem because it's a school holiday. That means the school let you miss that day of school. So that way they can still get their perfect attendance. Now they or their parents won't be cantankerous because they didn't get perfect attendance.

Next, they can still make up work so, they won't miss anything. That way they will still know everything that they missed when they were gone. They will still know everything they need to know for the benchmark.

Last, I know people might disagree with this holiday, but they just miss one day. It's just like being sick one day. There won't be that much make-up work to do. I missed one day and I only had five pages to make-up, out of five classes.

That is my new school holiday. I hope you like it, I know I do. I think it will be exemplary!

Sincerely,

Student B

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay response. The essay satisfies many parts of the prompt task. The writer establishes an opinion about implementing a new school holiday where students have his/her birthday off every year and adequately attempts to persuade readers . The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The thesis adequately states what the writer believes about the issue. (“It's called Off for Your Birthday. The title says the whole meaning of the new school holiday. It's a day where you get out of school on your birthday. Now all it needs is your approval.”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“First, you can celebrate your birthday without going to school. What kid doesn't like that idea? I think everybody does. You can go wherever, and do whatever you want, after all it is your birthday.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“Second, it's not a problem if their one of those people that have to get perfect attendance. It's not a problem because it's a school holiday. That means the school let you miss that day of school. So that way they can still get their perfect attendance.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some details to support the writer’s position. However, t he writer only briefly addresses the readers’ opposing counterarguments. Incorporating more specific, accurate, and relevant supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate main ideas would make the essay more convincing.

Most of the writer’s details are convincing. (“First, you can celebrate your birthday without going to school. What kid doesn't like that idea? I think everybody does. You can go wherever, and do whatever you want, after all it is your birthday. Have you ever had kids walk by you in a bad mood? Well, with this holiday they won't be irate because they didn't have to go to school on their birthday. They will be in the best mood they ever have been in. They will be hard-working and ready to learn the next day at school.”)

The details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“Next, they can still make up work so, they won't miss anything. That way they will still know everything that they missed when they were gone. They will still know everything they need to know for the benchmark.”)

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. A solid persuasive argument always addresses the counter viewpoints, and in this case, the writer could devote more content to the paragraph earmarked for the opposing viewpoints. The writer can integrate statistics, examples, or experiences to bolster this section of the essay. (“Last, I know people might disagree with this holiday, but they just miss one day. It's just like being sick one day. There won't be that much make-up work to do. I missed one day and I only had five pages to make-up, out of five classes.”)

Organization

The introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. (“I have a great new school holiday! It's called Off for Your Birthday. The title says the whole meaning of the new school holiday. It's a day where you get out of school on your birthday. Now all it needs is your approval. I just know it will be exemplary.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “first,” “second,” and “third,” which help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. (“Next, they can still make up work so, they won't miss anything. That way they will still know everything that they missed when they were gone. They will still know everything they need to know for the benchmark… Last, I know people might disagree with this holiday, but they just miss one day. It's just like being sick one day. There won't be that much make-up work to do. I missed one day and I only had five pages to make-up, out of five classes.”) Transitional words help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected.

The conclusion adequately wraps up the writer’s argument. (“Last, I know people might disagree with this holiday, but they just miss one day. It's just like being sick one day. There won't be that much make-up work to do. I missed one day and I only had five pages to make-up, out of five classes…. That is my new school holiday. I hope you like it, I know I do. I think it will be exemplary!”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“First, you can celebrate your birthday without going to school. What kid doesn't like that idea? I think everybody does. You can go wherever, and do whatever you want, after all it is your birthday. Have you ever had kids walk by you in a bad mood? Well, with this holiday they won't be irate because they didn't have to go to school on their birthday.”)

Language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“Well, with this holiday they won't be irate because they didn't have to go to school on their birthday. They will be in the best mood they ever have been in. They will be hard-working and ready to learn the next day at school.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments in the essay. (“Last, I know people might disagree with this holiday, but they just miss one day. It's just like being sick one day. There won't be that much make-up work to do. I missed one day and I only had five pages to make-up, out of five classes.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and most word choices are spelled correctly. (“Have you ever had kids walk by you in a bad mood? Well, with this holiday they won't be irate because they didn't have to go to school on their birthday.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

People in our economy should have a new holiday to celebrate. The holiday should be named Environment Day.It is called this because you go to a place and help clean it up.This holiday is useful for many reasons.It follows good citizenship, excercises your body, and doesn't harm our enviroment.

My first reason, it follows citizenship, is for a main reasons.It respects the people in your environment or neighboorhood.My second reason is excercises your body.You can move your body when you pick up trash.Last,it doesn't harm our enviroment because trash gets stuck on plants or animals.

People should celebrate Environment Day with many ways.First, it lets you earn good citizenship,by participating in protecting the environment,etc.Second, you can get some good excercise by picking up trash.Finally, it doesen't harm our environment when we protect it.Hope it someday became an official holiday!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion on the argument of creating a new school holiday to celebrate the environment, but it may be unclear or underdeveloped in providing supporting ideas. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“ The holiday should be named Environment Day.It is called this because you go to a place and help clean it up. ”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“This holiday is useful for many reasons.It follows good citizenship, excercises your body, and doesn't harm our enviroment. ”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer attempts to address readers but is very limited in the use of persuasive terms to convince readers of his/her point of view. (“ My first reason, it follows citizenship, is for a main reasons.It respects the people in your environment or neighboorhood. ”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the argument to create a school holiday that celebrates the environment. The writer attempts to address readers but does not integrate counterarguments into the essay.

In the essay, each supporting reason should be the main topic sentence of each body paragraph. The writer just lists the three main ideas in one paragraph. (“My first reason, it follows citizenship, is for a main reasons.It respects the people in your environment or neighboorhood.My second reason is excercises your body.You can move your body when you pick up trash.Last,it doesn't harm our enviroment because trash gets stuck on plants or animals. ”)

The essay needs details that are clear, correct, and specific. (“My second reason is excercises your body.You can move your body when you pick up trash. ”) Although this gives readers a limited amount of insight into the writer’s reasons for wanting to establish a holiday to celebrate the environment, it is not an effective support for the argument .

The essay needs details that are clear, correct, and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas for Environment Day, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce the writer’s position on the issue. (“My first reason, it follows citizenship, is for a main reasons.It respects the people in your environment or neighboorhood.My second reason is excercises your body.You can move your body when you pick up trash.Last,it doesn't harm our enviroment because trash gets stuck on plants or animals.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay response is limited at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure, an uncertain introduction and conclusion, incorporates use of paragraphing, but lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The essay demonstrates limited evidence of an effective introduction. In this case, the writer merely states that people should celebrate Environment Day. (“People in our economy should have a new holiday to celebrate. The holiday should be named Environment Day.”)

Transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. B ecause of the lack of transitional devices, readers may not be led to a logical conclusion. (“My first reason, it follows citizenship, is for a main reasons.It respects the people in your environment or neighboorhood.My second reason is excercises your body.You can move your body when you pick up trash.Last,it doesn't harm our enviroment because trash gets stuck on plants or animals.”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited way, but it does not restate arguments or leave readers with something to think about or tell them what to do next. (“People should celebrate Environment Day with many ways.First, it lets you earn good citizenship,by participating in protecting the environment,etc.Second, you can get some good excercise by picking up trash.Finally, it doesen't harm our environment when we protect it.Hope it someday became an official holiday!”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is limited in the essay response. The writer demonstrates some awareness of audience and control of voice; however, the writer relies on simple language with insufficient sentence variety and word choices.

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. (“This holiday is useful for many reasons.It follows good citizenship, excercises your body, and doesn't harm our enviroment…My first reason, it follows citizenship, is for a main reasons.It respects the people in your environment or neighboorhood.My second reason is excercises your body.You can move your body when you pick up trash.Last,it doesn't harm our enviroment because trash gets stuck on plants or animals.”)

There is a limited variety of sentences in this essay. Sentences lack well-developed structure.

(“My second reason is excercises your body.You can move your body when you pick up trash.Last,it doesn't harm our enviroment because trash gets stuck on plants or animals.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ Last,it doesn't harm our enviroment because trash gets stuck on plants or animals. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I beleve we need to have holiday called Sport Day. My first reson is more family time because if you're busy,you can't talk to your parents. Family time can make students less worried. If we have more family time can make kids less streesed . If we spend more family time together it can increas the amount of divorces in the United States.

My next reason is more social skills. If you don't have social skills ,you won't have anything in society. Social skills help you communicate with people. Social skills help you make friends. If you do have social skills you'll be an outcast.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides minimal focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a minimal attempt at stating a position on the argument of creating a new school holiday called Sport Day. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and, consequently, c ompletes few parts of the task.

The essay does not state a clearly defined opinion about the issue. (“ I beleve we need to have holiday called Sport Day. ”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended readers. (“If you do have social skills you'll be an outcast.”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“ I beleve we need to have holiday called Sport Day. My first reson is more family time because if you're busy,you can't talk to your parents. ”)

Content & Development

The writer does not provide specific or relevant content and development to convince the readers of his/her stance on the position of implementing a new school holiday called Sport Day. The essay lays out arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position. The writer does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the essay response one-sided and minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion statement. (“ My next reason is more social skills. If you don't have social skills ,you won't have anything in society. Social skills help you communicate with people. ”)

Because the writer’s response to the prompt task is minimal, the essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. The writer should keep in mind that each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“My first reson is more family time because if you're busy,you can't talk to your parents. Family time can make students less worried. If we have more family time can make kids less streesed . If we spend more family time together it can increas the amount of divorces in the United States…My next reason is more social skills.”)

Minimal details are used to explain and illustrate the writer’s point of view on the issue of creating Sport Day. (“ My next reason is more social skills. If you don't have social skills ,you won't have anything in society. Social skills help you communicate with people. Social skills help you make friends. ”)

Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. These details can include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. Providing these details will result in an essay response that integrates solid evidence into the writer’s position on the issue. Without these details, the writer tends to repeat the same theme throughout the essay. (“My first reson is more family time because if you're busy,you can't talk to your parents. Family time can make students less worried. If we have more family time can make kids less streesed . If we spend more family time together it can increas the amount of divorces in the United States.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“ I beleve we need to have holiday called Sport Day. ”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position effectively. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“Social skills help you communicate with people. Social skills help you make friends. If you do have social skills you'll be an outcast.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay. It does not leave readers with something to think about, and it does not tell them what to do next concerning the issue at hand. (“If you do have social skills you'll be an outcast.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in MY Access! Word Bank. By incorporating more persuasive word choices into the essay response, the writer would create a more effective argument. (“My next reason is more social skills. If you don't have social skills ,you won't have anything in society. Social skills help you communicate with people. Social skills help you make friends. If you do have social skills you'll be an outcast.”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer employs run-on sentences that contain repetitive ideas. (“Social skills help you communicate with people. Social skills help you make friends. If you do have social skills you'll be an outcast. ”)

The writer does not provide a clear voice that emphasizes his/her position on the argument of the new school holiday Sport Day. (“I beleve we need to have holiday called Sport Day. My first reson is more family time because if you're busy,you can't talk to your parents. Family time can make students less worried. If we have more family time can make kids less streesed . If we spend more family time together it can increas the amount of divorces in the United States.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has minimal control of mechanics and conventions. The writer commits patterns of error in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the intended message.

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear principal

My Idea for a holiday is do it your self-day. Where you can make your own holiday on this day Exmaple like a dinner and then do something special it won't be that hard and your doing it your self it easy.So on I have mostly bengin the dat for this holiday in my town but it seem to me that if it going be a town holiday then make it national.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate focus and meaning. The essay satisfies few requirements of the task. The writer demonstrates almost no effort at stating an opinion statement for the argument presented, and little effort is made to persuade readers in any way.

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on the issue but fails to include detailed, supporting arguments to convince readers of creating a new school holiday. (“ Where you can make your own holiday on this day Exmaple like a dinner and then do something special it won't be that hard and your doing it your self it easy. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. (“ So on I have mostly bengin the dat for this holiday in my town but it seem to me that if it going be a town holiday then make it national. ”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“ My Idea for a holiday is do it your self-day. ”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate content and development. The writer makes little attempt to use details to support the arguments and the writer ’s position on the issue of creating a holiday called "do it your self-day." The essay does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. (“…Exmaple like a dinner and then do something special it won't be that hard and your doing it your self it easy. ”)

Since the one-paragraph response is so brief, no main ideas in body paragraphs are present in the essay. (“My Idea for a holiday is do it your self-day. ”) Additionally, at least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument.

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. (“So on I have mostly bengin the dat for this holiday in my town but it seem to me that if it going be a town holiday then make it national. ”)

Organization

The essay does not create effective supporting paragraphs. (“My Idea for a holiday is do it your self-day. Where you can make your own holiday on this day Exmaple like a dinner and then do something special it won't be that hard and your doing it your self it easy.So on I have mostly bengin the dat for this holiday in my town but it seem to me that if it going be a town holiday then make it national.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay or leave readers with something to think about or tell them what to do next. (“ So on I have mostly bengin the dat for this holiday in my town but it seem to me that if it going be a town holiday then make it national. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer does not integrate effective use of language, voice, or style into the essay. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“My Idea for a holiday is do it your self-day. Where you can make your own holiday on this day… ”) Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things more effectively.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“Where you can make your own holiday on this day Exmaple like a dinner and then do something special it won't be that hard and your doing it your self it easy. ”)

The style of the writing in the response is inadequate. Because the writer does not incorporate language that reflects an initiative to persuade the readers to agree with having a "do it your self-day," the voice of the writer is muted, and the effectiveness of the argument is lost. (“So on I have mostly bengin the dat for this holiday in my town but it seem to me that if it going be a town holiday then make it national. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and spelling of chosen words is checked. (“… Exmaple like a dinner and then do something special it won't be that hard and your doing it your self it easy. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Designing a Toy

Imagine that a major toy company has just announced that they will take one school student's toy design and actually manufacture and sell it. The rules of the contest are that you must create a sketch of the toy and write a detailed essay stating why the company should use your idea.

In a well-written letter, persuade a toy company to develop your toy idea. Include reasons to support your argument.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Company,

As a typical student, I want to present to you a new toy design for you to manufacture. This toy is a type of robot that can act like a human and treat kids fairly well. This toy should be known as the Robo-Man. In this letter, I will list my reasons why you should manufacture my idea into an actual toy. First, I will state what this toy can do and why kids of all ages will love it. Next, I will provide the information about the form of the Robo-Man that is wholly beneficial for the customer to use. Finally, I will demonstrate the features that will really grab the purchaser's attention and why it will make a great bargain. This is my first reason.

Do you want a toy that is able to do a majority of things that are both beneficial and, at the same time, entertaining? I can clearly guarantee that the Robo-Man will grab all children's attention because of all the behaviors the Robo-Man can do with a simple push of its remote control. For instance, the Robo-man can actually act human, which is why this product is called the Robo-Man. There are lots of similarly human acts that this toy can do that will really be amusing and profitable. For instance, if a lonely girl needs a partner to dance with in her prom, she can push the "Dance" button on the Robo-Man's remote, and let the Robo-Man be her partner. Another benefit of the Robo-Man is acting like a robot of the future; to serve kids, teenagers, and even adults as its master. This is why the Robo-Man can make a beneficial toy for children. When an energetic boy wakes up, the Robo-Man will automatically sense this. The Robo-Man will give him a friendly greeting, or serve him breakfast. One more form of entertainment and benefit the Robo-Man has is that the Robo-Man can be like a child's best friend. This is good for kids who don't have any friends or siblings. For example, if an emotional girl cries over being bullied a lot, the Robo-Man will immediately sense her crying, and instantly fetch a handkerchief to wipe away her tears. These are three of the demonstartions showing why children will adore the Robo-Man.

Do you want a toy that is salutary in its own form? There is also a huge benefit in the Robo-Man that is shown in its basic form. One part of the Robo-Man that is beneficial is the electrical units. This toy is solar powered, which is a good way to save electricity and a good way to stop wasting money on batteries. One can just leave the toy out in the sunshine for five to ten minutes, and it will be active for an entire week. There are absolutely no batteries needed! Another profit of the Robo-Man is the custom design keep-in-touch. The child can plug the Robo-Man into their computer, and they can start making the Robo-Man to look like a human. For instance, a boy can plug the Robo-Man into his computer, and he can use a picture of a cartoon character to create a robot version of the character. One more benefit located within the Robo-Man is the ability to use the robot as one's computer. This is good for children who do not have any Internet. For example, a sneaky girl can plug the Robo-Man into the computer. She has the opportunity to either set up her robot's personality, or virtually train her robot in a little game. These are three reasons why the Robo-Man is wholly beneficial.

Lastly, this toy has riveting features that will truly absorb children's attention. One of these extraordinary features includes a built-in MP3 player. It can be used by all the children who plainly love listening to music. For instance, if there is a naughty boy who is grounded in his room, he can plug his MP3 into his Robo-Man and listen to music the whole time he is grounded. Another one of these special features is its built-in solar electronic charger. This can be used to charge cell phones, game consoles, and other electronics with solar charge. For example, if a resourceful girl needs to charge her cell phone, she can plug her cell phone into her Robo-Man, leave the Robo-Man in sunlight, and her phone will be fully charged. One more intriguing feature built within the Robo-Man is the automatic camera eyes, which can be used with a flip of a switch on the Robo-Man's remote. This feature should be used by children who do not have cameras, but need to take pictures and videos. For instance, if a desperate boy needs to take pictures of his science project, he can flip the "Camera" switch on the remote, and take pictures using his Robo-Man. These are three of the features that should be established in the Robo-Man.

This is my simple idea for an incredible toy design. Please use this letter to help direct your designs of creating this new toy. Thank you for reading my letter about my idea. I hope you liked my idea a whole lot!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . It establishes and maintains an insightful opinion or thesis statement to effectively persuade the readers. It demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, completes all parts of the task, and may go beyond the limits of the task. While the introduction is not particularly creative, it effectively explains the purpose of the essay. (“In this letter, I will list my reasons why you should manufacture my idea into an actual toy.”) The tone is appropriate for the audience. The author remembers to address the readers as though they are a toy company holding a contest. Finally, essays at this level never contain irrelevant information, although they may occasionally contain information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information does not impede meaning.

Content & Development

The essay has very effective content and development. It effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant detail to support the writer’s position. It convincingly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, examples, and/or anecdotes. (“One more benefit located within the Robo-Man is the ability to use the robot as one's computer. This is good for children who do not have any Internet.”) The ideas are reasonably well thought out, and specific examples are included for support. (“For instance, if a desperate boy needs to take pictures of his science project, he can flip the "Camera" switch on the remote, and take pictures using his Robo-Man.”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure, an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, and effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout. Essays at this level always use paragraphing to separate ideas. The author uses paragraphing and transitions very effectively to move between ideas. They are somewhat simplistic, but it works well for an elementary-level writer. (“ Lastly, this toy has riveting features that will truly absorb children's attention.”) The conclusion is brief, but the author does provide the readers with a sense of closure. (“This is my simple idea for an incredible toy design. Please use this letter to help direct your designs of creating this new toy.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has very effective language use and style. It demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, a clear sense of audience, and well-structured and varied sentences. The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“ One can just leave the toy out in the sunshine for five to ten minutes, and it will be active for an entire week. There are absolutely no batteries needed!’) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. Essays at this level rarely have minor errors in language usage or style, and the majority of the content is clear and correct. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors that are present never impede meaning.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of conventions and mechanics. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break or indentation, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. Essays at this level rarely have errors in mechanics and conventions, and errors that are present rarely impede meaning and readers can infer the author’s intent. (“ These are three of the demonstartions showing why children will adore the Robo-Man.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Toy Company:

Have you ever thought of combining a PS4 with a DSI? Well wouldn't that be totally awesome, fun, and exciting? Well this is what this entire essay is about, and by the end, your face will be full of awe. You, one of the best and most fantastic toy companies in the whole entire world, are having a humongous contest to see who will be the winner! So I have this amazing video game idea. The amazing and the ultimate gaming device, the DSPI! I strongly believe that you should pick my gaming device, the DSPI, as the winner of the contest and begin building them immediately.

I strongly believe that you should pick my gaming device, the DSPI, as the winner of the contest because it has multiple screens. You might be confused because it is the only gaming system that has four screens. One of the screens is like a DS, a touch screen. The second screen is a movie screen, except that it has better quality and it is the same size as the touch screen. Last but not least, it has a screen that is a built in I-Phone, it can do anything a platinum I-Phone could do, and more. Is that not what every kid would want to have fun?

Not only does it have multiple screens, but I strongly that you should pick my gaming device, the DSPI, as the winner of the contest because just above the touch screen is a hologram. Projectors produce the holograms, like it does in a movie theater. Unlike the computer, laptop, or I-Phone it can not be interfered. Did you know that you can touch the hologram to play games, or to choose options just like the touch screen. Is this not completely new and unprecedented way of playing video games, because I sure have not!

Finally, I strongly believe that you should pick my gaming device, the DSPI, as the winner of the contest because it has wi-fi. By wi-fi I mean that it can connect with other DSPI just like a Nintendo DSI or a Nintendo DS Lite. It can go online just like a I-Phone or a PSP, and it will be very simple because it has a text pad when you are typing in the name of the website you want to go to. One of the best reason is that it does not lag, and that means that it takes forever to load into a website, game, or anything else. You can become very irritated because not everyone can be very patient. Is that not qualities of the ultimate gaming system?

It has multiple screens that are never seen before, it can project never-before seen holograms, and it has essential or fantastic wi-fi. Are those not signs of the best gaming system? Well, I think they are, and wouldn't you say that too? I strongly believe that you should pick my gaming deice, the DSPI, as the winner or the contest. Will you please consider picking my idea? Thank you very much for your time, and cooperation!

Sincerely,

Kevin

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has good focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains a clear thesis statement to persuade readers. It d emonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience and completes most parts of the task. The essay mostly uses words that are appropriate for the audience. Some language may be a little bit informal, even for this level, but the majority of the content is appropriate for the audience. (“Well wouldn't that be totally awesome, fun, and exciting?”) Essays at this level never contain irrelevant information, although they may occasionally contain information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information does not impede meaning.

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. It develops arguments using sufficient specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. He/she clearly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The essay addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with the thesis by directly offering a counterargument. The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that illustrate his/her opinion. Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“The second screen is a movie screen, except that it has better quality and it is the same size as the touch screen.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure, a good introduction and conclusion, and consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. Essays at this level almost always use paragraphing to help separate ideas, usually with a clearly defined topic sentence at the beginning that helps define that paragraph’s content. (“Not only does it have multiple screens, but I strongly that you should pick my gaming device, the DSPI, as the winner of the contest because just above the touch screen is a hologram.”) The writer attempts to provide a creative and engaging introduction. (“Have you ever thought of combining a PS4 with a DSI? Well wouldn't that be totally awesome, fun, and exciting?”) Transitions are somewhat effective and are mostly subtle. Finally, the conclusion summarizes some of the essay and provides readers with a sense of closure. (“ Will you please consider picking my idea? Thank you very much for your time, and cooperation!”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has good language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience, and uses well-structured sentences with some variety. The essay uses language to make the arguments more persuasive. (“Projectors produce the holograms, like it does in a movie theater. Unlike the computer, laptop, or I-Phone it can not be interfered.”) The language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. Essays at this level rarely have minor errors in language usage or style, and the majority of the content is clear and correct. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors that are present never impede meaning.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of conventions and mechanics. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, most or all sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with a punctuation mark, paragraphs are distinguished by a line break or indentation, and sentences begin with a capital letter. Essays at this level rarely have errors in mechanics and conventions. Errors that are present never impede meaning. (“Finally, I strongly believe that you should pick my gaming device, the DSPI, as the winner of the contest because it has wi-fi.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"Handy Player"

Have you ever design a toy before and then sold it to a company? Well, I am going write to the major toy company that my toy the Handy Player will be the best to sale. First, I will explain why I named it the Handy Player. Second, I will write what does the Handy Player do. Last, I will write what you need to charge it, how long it last, and an insertions how to do it.

I, called it the Handy Player because say you want o play with someone, and want to play with your mom, or your dad, but they need to do something, so you get out the Handy Player, and it will play with you as long as you want even all the twenty-four hours, and when you are doing your homework, and it is boring the Handy Player will make it easier and much more fun to do. Sometimes when you are doing chores the Handy Player will help you, but in a fun way.

The, Handy Player can play things like basket ball, hand ball, broad games, dress up dolls. Besides that it even helps you with certain things like when you are doing your chores, or homework the Handy Player will help you and at the same time it will play with you. It will play sports, video games, and more stuff that girls and boys will want to do.

The why you charge it is with water. There will be a box you will open it then there will be a shape as a square you, open the square and then take out the tube in side and then you just pour it. Shake it for three minutes, and it will last up to a week

I can concluded that the Handy Player can be used for a lot of kids that need a companion, or a friend.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It establishes an opinion/position/thesis statement and adequately attempts to persuade the readers. A basic understanding of the purpose and audience completes many parts of the task. The author attempts to engage readers with a somewhat interesting introduction in the form of a question. (“ Have you ever design a toy before and then sold it to a company?”) Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. The language of the thesis fits the examples. Essays at this level rarely have irrelevant information, although they may occasionally contain information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information rarely impedes meaning, but it may occasionally distract from the thesis.

Content & Development

Organization

The essay has adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure, a noticeable introduction and conclusion, and inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. Essays at this level almost always use some form of paragraphing to help separate ideas, although it is not absolutely essential if the ideas are clearly separated through transitions or other methods of organization. The introduction explains the purpose of the essay and summarizes the main ideas the author plans to address. (“ Last, I will write what you need to charge it, how long it last, and an insertions how to do it.”) The use of transitions and paragraphing is adequate. The conclusion is present, but it is very brief. (“I can concluded that the Handy Player can be used for a lot of kids that need a companion, or a friend.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has adequate language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, an awareness of audience and control of voice, and generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. Word choices are sometimes poor. The language and tone are mostly consistent throughout the essay. Essays at this level occasionally have minor errors in language usage or style and the majority of the content is clear and correct. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors that are present rarely impede meaning. In this case, the essay has a run-on sentence, but it may simply be missing a period. Either way, the readers can infer the author’s intent. (“Besides that it even helps you with certain things like when you are doing your chores, or homework the Handy Player will help you and at the same time it will play with you.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb, many sentences end with a punctuation mark, many paragraphs are distinguished by a line break or indentation, and many sentences begin with a capital letter. Essays at this level contain few errors in mechanics and conventions. Errors that are present rarely impede meaning. (“ Besides that it even helps you with certain things like when you are doing your chores, or homework the Handy Player will help you and at the same time it will play with you.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Toy Company

Are you looking for a new toy? I just invented a brand new toy that inspires kids to get out the house. When grown-ups want to have alone time, this is a great toy for it. With out a doubt this will be the greatest toy in this century!

The hover board is a fun thing to ride. Its a magical board that floats in the air. It has a seat warmer to get in the mood. It has a music player to listen to when driving. Last but not least, it has extra wheels when it ia on the ground.

To the kids it is a fun thing to ride. To grown ups it is a one in a life time chance to get your kids out of the house. It will only cost $25.00.

I think we will both make a lot of money. You won’t regret investing in this toy! This toy can stop little kids to get off the game or get off there buts from watching TV. Now that you know about my toy I hope you make it a real life thing.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It states an opinion, position, or thesis statement, but it may be unclear or underdeveloped. A limited understanding of the purpose and audience is demonstrated, but the writer does complete some parts of the task. The essay expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of purpose and audience. The author is also perceptive. He or she appeals to the bias of some readers who want children to be more active outside. (“Are you looking for a new toy? I just invented a brand new toy that inspires kids to get out the house.”) Essays at this level occasionally contain irrelevant information, although usually it is information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information sometimes impedes meaning, but more often, it simply distracts from the thesis. In this case, the author seems to have an adequate focus and tone, but the essay is too brief to fully assess.

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. It develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support the writer’s position. The essay attempts to address readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The essay is limited in addressing readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with the author’s opinion. It tries to anticipate concerns about children spending too much time inside but doesn’t directly address those concerns. Some details are significantly underdeveloped. (“To grown ups it is a one in a life time chance to get your kids out of the house. It will only cost $25.00.”)

Organization

The essay has limited organization. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion and lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices. Essays at this level usually use some form of paragraphing to help separate ideas. The essay demonstrates limited evidence of an effective introduction. It isn’t very creative, but it does introduce readers to a topic they may not know much about. (“Are you looking for a new toy? I just invented a brand new toy that inspires kids to get out the house.”) The use of paragraphing and transitions is present but is not very effective. (“Last but not least, it has extra wheels when it ia on the ground.”) Finally, there is a conclusion, but it does not summarize ideas and provides limited closure for readers. (“Now that you know about my toy I hope you make it a real life thing.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has limited language use and style. It demonstrates simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice. The essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“The hover board is a fun thing to ride. Its a magical board that floats in the air.”) Essays at this level have some errors in language usage and style. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors that are present may impede meaning. Some statements are not explained well. (“It has a seat warmer to get in the mood.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has limited control of conventions and mechanics. It has several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing. Essays at this level have some errors in mechanics and conventions, and errors that are present may impede meaning. In this case, errors are very minor. (“ With out a doubt this will be the greatest toy in this century!”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

I would like to give you guys a idea of a toy. And I think a lot of kids will like it. It will help you with a lot of things. It will help you with a lot of things because you can put your homework in your backpack and forget to do it. But it will do your homework for you and it can clean your room when it's messy. And I like to call it FINISH YOUR TO DO LIST.

It will do a lot of things for you and it can give you a nice cup of hot coffee. And maybe it has your favorite kind of coffee. I t could do all sorts of homework so come on down and get your Finish yoyur to do list today and it is a 90$ value your for 20 persent off. Number is 555-9236 call today. Or get on the internet and we will ship it to you for no extera cost so call now.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. It demonstrates little attempt at stating an opinion. It demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and c ompletes few parts of the task. The essay has a thesis, but it is very basic and only minimally draws readers in. (“I would like to give you guys a idea of a toy. And I think a lot of kids will like it.”) The tone is somewhat appropriate, but more professional language would be helpful. (“And I like to call it FINISH YOUR TO DO LIST.”) Essays at this level may or may not contain irrelevant information. This type of additional information sometimes impedes meaning, but more often, it simply distracts from the thesis.

Content & Development

The essay has minimal content and development. It develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position. The essay may or may not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the opinion statement. (“It will do a lot of things for you and it can give you a nice cup of hot coffee.”) Ideas that are presented do not provide additional details that explain how this feature is useful to a toy company. Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea.

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. It demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. There is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. Essays at this level may or may not use paragraphing to separate ideas. In this case, there is some paragraphing but very little use of transitions. The introduction is very basic. The thesis is hard to locate. (“And I think a lot of kids will like it. It will help you with a lot of things.”) There are some concluding remarks, which provide closure for the essay, but they are very simplistic and do not provide the readers with anything to think about. (“Or get on the internet and we will ship it to you for no extera cost so call now.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has minimal language use and style. It demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience and makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. Essays at this level often have errors in language usage and style. Poorly phrased sentences and other errors that are present may impede meaning. In this case, the language use is so fragmented that readers need to reread some sentences multiple times in order to understand the author’s intent. (“I t could do all sorts of homework so come on down and get your Finish yoyur to do list today and it is a 90$ value your for 20 persent off.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

meep is a toy that is sopost to make a kid have fun and play with meep. meephas brown fur, he is an ovel,he looks like a potato.he has arms and feet. He has a white mask and walks like a robot and talks like a chimpmunk. meep can talk and these are the words he says:yay!lets go! it's playtime! and that is what meep can say. meep can walk,he can crawl,and he can jump.meep smiles and i think that if a kid plays with my toy they would have fun together.and that is why i wan't the toy compeny to use meep.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate or no focus and meaning. It demonstrates almost no effort at stating an opinion/position/thesis statement, and little effort is made to persuade. It completes few or no parts of the task. In this case, the author identifies a toy by name, but he/she does a poor job of explaining its uses or why it would appeal to the audience. (“meep is a toy that is sopost to make a kid have fun and play with meep.”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate or no content and development. L ittle or no attempt is made to use details to support the arguments and the writer ’s position. It does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The essay does not or includes very few details to support the stated opinion. There are no main ideas discussed. Instead the author moves between poorly formed details that provide little or no useful description of the toy. (“He has a white mask and walks like a robot and talks like a chimpmunk.”)

Organization

The essay has inadequate or no organization. It demonstrates no evidence of structure with no introduction or conclusion along with no evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. There is little or no evidence of an introduction or a thesis statement. Readers unfamiliar with the prompt or the purpose of the letter would not understand the author’s intent. There is no use of paragraphing or transitional devices between ideas. Finally, there is only a brief and underdeveloped conclusion. (“and that is why i wan't the toy compeny to use meep.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has inadequate language use and style. It demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. Sentences in the essay are not well structured. Sentences in the essay are too long and have too many ideas, or they are too short and provide no supporting detail. There are some repetitious statements. (“meep can talk and these are the words he says:yay!lets go! it's playtime! and that is what meep can say.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has inadequate or no control of conventions and mechanics. It has errors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing. Essays at this level have errors in mechanics and conventions that often impede meaning. (“meephas brown fur, he is an ovel,he looks like a potato.he has arms and feet.”)

Do Cats Have Nine Lives?

Read the passage "Here Kitty, Kitty...." and watch the video "A Cat's Nine Lives" to learn about amazing circumstances that cats can survive.

After reading the article and viewing the video, write a multi-paragraph essay to present your opinion on why cats have the ability to survive amazing circumstances. Be sure to use specific details and examples from the article and video to support your point of view.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Does a Cat Have 9 Lives

Have you ever heard the saying that a cat has nine lives? Don't take it seriously, though. A cat does not have nine lives; it does have agility, determination, and balance to escape from remarkable situations. In the following essay, you will learn how a cat can survive many dangerous situations from falling out of a building to surviving in unlivable conditions.

First of all, in the article "Tigger's Story," a cat was trapped in a landslide for a month with no food and only the water from its coat (fur). Eventually, it managed to slim down and slip through a crevice in the dirt. Once found, Tigger was taken to a veterinarian and was reunited with its long lost owner, Ceridwen Jones. In the article you just read it shows the determination of Tigger fighting for life. In another article, "Polly's Story," it tells the tale of a cat stuck underground. On a summer day in 2001 Polly wandered away from her house in England. Her owner thought Polly was gone, gone for good, but Polly was just a little stuck, that's all! Apparently, Polly had gone under the floor of a new home being built. For six weeks Polly was under that concrete. I doubt that she had any food or water. After all, she was under cement! When a couple went to check out the house they heard noises under their feet. At their request, a worker made a hole in the cement and pulled out a worn out cat, Polly! Polly was returned to her owner, and now she's fine and plump. Both cats showed determination, the determination to live!

In addition, have you ever seen the results of a cat after it just fell out of a 100 foot tall building? You'd be surprised. A cat that falls from a long way up is most likely to have less injuries than a cat that falls from a lesser distance. Surprising, don't you think? Veterinarians say that the reason this happens is because the cat seems to reach free fall and it becomes calmer. It hunches its back to reduce the force of impact, and it balances itself and comes out with only a fracture or a broken leg. This is called High Rise Syndrome. Most cats fall out of the window in the first place because they are attracted to moving prey like birds. Also, most cats fall out of unscreened windows. Because of these dangers, a cat needs agility and balance both to survive the wild and in modern cities.

Obviously, a cat needs all of these things to survive. A cat's ancestors have adapted to the modern world. A cat's ancestors may be a cheetah, lion or any wild cats. All cats have agility, balance, determination, and claws, sometimes really sharp claws! This should tell you how a cat can walk out of a disaster almost unharmed. Cats, like I said, don't have nine lives; the saying came about because of the way a cat survives many dangerous situations and comes out fine, as if it gets another chance at life!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion/position/thesis statement to discuss the issue presented in the prompt task . The response reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of the purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

After the writer grabs the readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinionative statement. (“Have you ever heard the saying that a cat has nine lives? Don't take it seriously, though. A cat does not have nine lives; it does have agility, determination, and balance to escape from remarkable situations.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion that cats can survive in seemingly unlivable situations. (“On a summer day in 2001 Polly wandered away from her house in England. Her owner thought Polly was gone, gone for good, but Polly was just a little stuck, that's all! Apparently, Polly had gone under the floor of a new home being built. For six weeks Polly was under that concrete. I doubt that she had any food or water. After all, she was under cement! When a couple went to check out the house they heard noises under their feet. At their request, a worker made a hole in the cement and pulled out a worn out cat, Polly! Polly was returned to her owner, and now she's fine and plump. Both cats showed determination, the determination to live!”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for the purpose of convincing his/her intended audience of the stated point of view. (“This should tell you how a cat can walk out of a disaster almost unharmed. Cats, like I said, don't have nine lives; the saying came about because of the way a cat survives many dangerous situations and comes out fine, as if it gets another chance at life!”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, appropriate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue of a cat’s ability to survive adverse conditions. The essay addresses readers who disagree and believe that cats have nine lives.

The writer effectively includes some anecdotes from the text that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“First of all, in the article ‘Tigger's Story,’ a cat was trapped in a landslide for a month with no food and only the water from its coat (fur). Eventually, it managed to slim down and slip through a crevice in the dirt. Once found, Tigger was taken to a veterinarian and was reunited with its long lost owner, Ceridwen Jones. In the article you just read it shows the determination of Tigger fighting for life.”)

The writer engages the readers and makes the essay more persuasive by challenging them to think about how a cat can survive a fall. (“In addition, have you ever seen the results of a cat after it just fell out of a 100 foot tall building? You'd be surprised. A cat that falls from a long way up is most likely to have less injuries than a cat that falls from a lesser distance. Surprising, don't you think? Veterinarians say that the reason this happens is because the cat seems to reach free fall and it becomes calmer. It hunches its back to reduce the force of impact, and it balances itself and comes out with only a fracture or a broken leg. This is called High Rise Syndrome. Most cats fall out of the window in the first place because they are attracted to moving prey like birds. Also, most cats fall out of unscreened windows. Because of these dangers, a cat needs agility and balance both to survive the wild and in modern cities.”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“Cats, like I said, don't have nine lives; the saying came about because of the way a cat survives many dangerous situations and comes out fine, as if it gets another chance at life!”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. (“Have you ever heard the saying that a cat has nine lives? Don't take it seriously, though. A cat does not have nine lives; it does have agility, determination, and balance to escape from remarkable situations. In the following essay, you will learn how a cat can survive many dangerous situations from falling out of a building to surviving in unlivable conditions.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “first of all,” “in addition,” and “obviously” to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“First of all, in the article ‘Tigger's Story,’ a cat was trapped in a landslide for a month with no food and only the water from its coat (fur). Eventually, it managed to slim down and slip through a crevice in the dirt. Once found, Tigger was taken to a veterinarian and was reunited with its long lost owner, Ceridwen Jones. In the article you just read it shows the determination of Tigger fighting for life. In another article, ‘Polly's Story,’ it tells the tale of a cat stuck underground.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument and leaves the readers with a request to consider the writer’s points before arriving at a decision. (“Obviously, a cat needs all of these things to survive. A cat's ancestors have adapted to the modern world. A cat's ancestors may be a cheetah, lion or any wild cats. All cats have agility, balance, determination, and claws, sometimes really sharp claws! This should tell you how a cat can walk out of a disaster almost unharmed. Cats, like I said, don't have nine lives; the saying came about because of the way a cat survives many dangerous situations and comes out fine, as if it gets another chance at life!”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“Have you ever heard the saying that a cat has nine lives? Don't take it seriously, though. A cat does not have nine lives; it does have agility, determination, and balance to escape from remarkable situations. In the following essay, you will learn how a cat can survive many dangerous situations from falling out of a building to surviving in unlivable conditions.”)

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more passionate and persuasive. (“Her owner thought Polly was gone, gone for good, but Polly was just a little stuck, that's all! Apparently, Polly had gone under the floor of a new home being built. For six weeks Polly was under that concrete. I doubt that she had any food or water. After all, she was under cement! When a couple went to check out the house they heard noises under their feet. At their request, a worker made a hole in the cement and pulled out a worn out cat, Polly! Polly was returned to her owner, and now she's fine and plump. Both cats showed determination, the determination to live!”)

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“In addition, have you ever seen the results of a cat after it just fell out of a 100 foot tall building? You'd be surprised. A cat that falls from a long way up is most likely to have less injuries than a cat that falls from a lesser distance. Surprising, don't you think? Veterinarians say that the reason this happens is because the cat seems to reach free fall and it becomes calmer. It hunches its back to reduce the force of impact, and it balances itself and comes out with only a fracture or a broken leg. This is called High Rise Syndrome. Most cats fall out of the window in the first place because they are attracted to moving prey like birds. Also, most cats fall out of unscreened windows. Because of these dangers, a cat needs agility and balance both to survive the wild and in modern cities.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, and words are spelled correctly. (“First of all, in the article ‘Tigger's Story,’ a cat was trapped in a landslide for a month with no food and only the water from its coat (fur). Eventually, it managed to slim down and slip through a crevice in the dirt. Once found, Tigger was taken to a veterinarian and was reunited with its long lost owner, Ceridwen Jones.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Cats Ability to Survive in Amazing Circumstances

Have you ever seen stories about cats surviving in dangerous conditions on the news? I think that it is amazing that cats can survive in areas where not many animals can survive. Cats can have a special body type, they can survive falling down from high places, and they can survive living in dangerous situations without food.

First, the cat has a special type of body. From the video "A Cat's Nine Lives" the cat has a spinal twist. A spinal twist is when the cat is falling down and it tuns around making the spine twist. The cat has an arched back. The arched back acts like a parachute when a cat is falling down from a high or low place. Cats also have claws. Claws help cats climb up trees and other structures.

Next cats can survive falling from high places. From the video "A Cat's Nine Lives" there are steps when the cats fall. They first turn their head to the right. Then the spine turns making the back part of the cat's body straight with the front part of the body. The movement of the spine is called the spinal twist. When a cat falls from a high area, it is less injured. Cats also are calmer when they fall from a high place because they have more time to turn around. If a cat falls from a shorter place, it has a higher chance to get more injuries like broken bones. Cats are also more traumatized when falling a shorter distance because there is less time to turn around and land on their feet.

Finally, they can survive living in dangerous situations without food. From the article "Here, Kitty, Kitty..." cats can go through small places. They are also flexible enough to do twists and turns. From the passage "Tigger's Story", Tigger survived being under a pile of dirt and rocks for a month. He survived by licking the moister from his fur. From the passage "Polly's Story,'' she had wandered to a new building site before the concrete was poured. Polly was trapped under the concrete for six weeks. When a family decided to buy the house they, herd meowing and scratching coming from the ground. The business man cut out a hole and out came Polly. She survived on the water dripping to the floor.

In conclusion, cats are amazing for living in dangerous conditions where many other animals can't. Cats have a special type of body, and they can survive falling down from high places. Cats also can survive living in dangerous situations without food.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in the essay are effective. The writer establishes and maintains a clear opinion/position/thesis statement about the issue and satisfies most parts of the prompt task. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer focuses the readers’ attention on the issue by beginning with a relevant question that leads to the thesis statement. (“Have you ever seen stories about cats surviving in dangerous conditions on the news? I think that it is amazing that cats can survive in areas where not many animals can survive. Cats can have a special body type, they can survive falling down from high places, and they can survive living in dangerous situations without food. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“First, the cat has a special type of body. From the video ‘A Cat's Nine Lives’ the cat has a spinal twist. A spinal twist is when the cat is falling down and it tuns around making the spine twist. The cat has an arched back. The arched back acts like a parachute when a cat is falling down from a high or low place. Cats also have claws. Claws help cats climb up trees and other structures.”)

The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. (“I think that it is amazing that cats can survive in areas where not many animals can survive. Cats can have a special body type, they can survive falling down from high places, and they can survive living in dangerous situations without food. ”)

Content & Development

The writer provides effective development of ideas and content in the essay. He/she uses specific and relevant details to support his/her stated opinion.

The writer includes facts and explanations that effectively support his/her stated point of view. (“Next cats can survive falling from high places. From the video ‘A Cat's Nine Lives’ there are steps when the cats fall. They first turn their head to the right. Then the spine turns making the back part of the cat's body straight with the front part of the body. The movement of the spine is called the spinal twist. When a cat falls from a high area, it is less injured. Cats also are calmer when they fall from a high place because they have more time to turn around. If a cat falls from a shorter place, it has a higher chance to get more injuries like broken bones. Cats are also more traumatized when falling a shorter distance because there is less time to turn around and land on their feet. ”)

The writer’s details are comprehensive and well-balanced. (“Finally, they can survive living in dangerous situations without food. From the article ‘Here, Kitty, Kitty...’ cats can go through small places. They are also flexible enough to do twists and turns. From the passage ‘Tigger's Story’, Tigger survived being under a pile of dirt and rocks for a month. He survived by licking the moister from his fur. From the passage ‘Polly's Story,’ she had wandered to a new building site before the concrete was poured. Polly was trapped under the concrete for six weeks. When a family decided to buy the house they, herd meowing and scratching coming from the ground. The business man cut out a hole and out came Polly. She survived on the water dripping to the floor. ”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“First, the cat has a special type of body. From the video ‘A Cat's Nine Lives’ the cat has a spinal twist. A spinal twist is when the cat is falling down and it tuns around making the spine twist. The cat has an arched back. The arched back acts like a parachute when a cat is falling down from a high or low place. Cats also have claws. Claws help cats climb up trees and other structures. ”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction engages the readers by asking a question and providing a preview of the main points of the essay. (“Have you ever seen stories about cats surviving in dangerous conditions on the news? I think that it is amazing that cats can survive in areas where not many animals can survive. Cats can have a special body type, they can survive falling down from high places, and they can survive living in dangerous situations without food. ”)

Transitions help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Next cats can survive falling from high places. From the video ‘A Cat's Nine Lives’ there are steps when the cats fall. They first turn their head to the right. Then the spine turns making the back part of the cat's body straight with the front part of the body. ”)

The writer’s conclusion restates his/her reasons for believing that cats can survive amazing circumstances. (“In conclusion, cats are amazing for living in dangerous conditions where many other animals can't. Cats have a special type of body, and they can survive falling down from high places. Cats also can survive living in dangerous situations without food. ”)

Language Use & Style

The complex sentence is used effectively throughout the essay. (“When a cat falls from a high area, it is less injured. Cats also are calmer when they fall from a high place because they have more time to turn around. If a cat falls from a shorter place, it has a higher chance to get more injuries like broken bones. Cats are also more traumatized when falling a shorter distance because there is less time to turn around and land on their feet. ”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“Finally, they can survive living in dangerous situations without food. From the article ‘Here, Kitty, Kitty...’ cats can go through small places. They are also flexible enough to do twists and turns. From the passage ‘Tigger's Story’, Tigger survived being under a pile of dirt and rocks for a month. He survived by licking the moister from his fur. From the passage ‘Polly's Story,’ she had wandered to a new building site before the concrete was poured. Polly was trapped under the concrete for six weeks. When a family decided to buy the house they, herd meowing and scratching coming from the ground. The business man cut out a hole and out came Polly. She survived on the water dripping to the floor. ”)

The writer uses a variety of sentences, some of which utilize conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) to connect thoughts and add more details. (“In conclusion, cats are amazing for living in dangerous conditions where many other animals can't. Cats have a special type of body, and they can survive falling down from high places. Cats also can survive living in dangerous situations without food. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and words are spelled correctly. (“First, the cat has a special type of body. From the video ‘A Cat's Nine Lives’ the cat has a spinal twist. A spinal twist is when the cat is falling down and it tuns around making the spine twist. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Nine Lives

by Mariam

Cats actually jump from 100 feet and don't get hurt, but jump from 50 feet and do get hurt. Although, cats get into horrible accidents, they still find a way to get out of it. Cats use their flexibility, strength, and confidence to survive.

First, cats use their flexibility to help them move their body. In "A Cats Nine Lives" it states that when cats fall of really high buildings they have a certain routine they do so they do not get injured as much. They twist there spine, spread out their hands, and push down to loosen the impact. If cats fall from higher buildings, it's better for them because they have time to do the routine of jumping. And if they don't fall from high buildings they cant get there body into shape before they land.

Next, cats use their strength to survive. They use the power of their sharp claws, in the article "Here, Kitty, Kitty" the author tells us a story about how a cat named Polly got trapped under cement so when a couple came near the area they heard sharp nail strokes from the other side of the cement, so the construction builders cut open a hole, and Polly came out. They also need really good balance in their body to survive. They need balance because when they fall cats need to balance themselves and stay focused.

Finally, cats need intelligent minds, because in the article the author states that a cat named Trigger went missing. Where did he go? He was buried alive in his neighbors backyard after a couple of days he had freed himself by using his intelligent mind. Cats also never give up Trigger could of not tried getting out of the dirt and gave up, but he knew he can't. Having a positive attitude is also very good for a cat so they have courage. Cats have confidence so they could survive because a cat in the video "A Cats Nine Lives" jumped out of a window. Don't you think you will need alot of courage to do that.

Clearly, cats live under crazy circumstances because of their flexibility, strength , and intelligent minds.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes an opinion/position/thesis statement about why cats are able to survive horrible accidents and adequately focuses on the issue presented in the prompt task . Additionally, the writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience, and satisfies many parts of the prompt task.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“Cats use their flexibility, strength, and confidence to survive.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“First, cats use their flexibility to help them move their body. In ‘A Cats Nine Lives’ it states that when cats fall of really high buildings they have a certain routine they do so they do not get injured as much. They twist there spine, spread out their hands, and push down to loosen the impact.”)

Most of the details used in the essay focus on the writer’s opinion. (“Finally, cats need intelligent minds, because in the article the author states that a cat named Trigger went missing. Where did he go? He was buried alive in his neighbors backyard after a couple of days he had freed himself by using his intelligent mind.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some specific and relevant details to support the stated position. Incorporating more specific, appropriate, and relevant details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate main ideas would add meaningful support to the writer’s point of view.

Most of the details in the essay support the writer’s opinion that flexibility, strength, and intelligence are attributes that allow cats to survive mishaps. (“First, cats use their flexibility to help them move their body. In ‘A Cats Nine Lives’ it states that when cats fall of really high buildings they have a certain routine they do so they do not get injured as much. They twist there spine, spread out their hands, and push down to loosen the impact. If cats fall from higher buildings, it's better for them because they have time to do the routine of jumping. And if they don't fall from high buildings they cant get there body into shape before they land.”)

The explanations and details used to develop the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“Next, cats use their strength to survive. They use the power of their sharp claws, in the article ‘Here, Kitty, Kitty’ the author tells us a story about how a cat named Polly got trapped under cement so when a couple came near the area they heard sharp nail strokes from the other side of the cement, so the construction builders cut open a hole, and Polly came out. They also need really good balance in their body to survive. They need balance because when they fall cats need to balance themselves and stay focused.”)

The writer includes some examples from the text that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“Finally, cats need intelligent minds, because in the article the author states that a cat named Trigger went missing. Where did he go? He was buried alive in his neighbors backyard after a couple of days he had freed himself by using his intelligent mind. Cats also never give up Trigger could of not tried getting out of the dirt and gave up, but he knew he can't. Having a positive attitude is also very good for a cat so they have courage. Cats have confidence so they could survive because a cat in the video ‘A Cats Nine Lives’ jumped out of a window. Don't you think you will need alot of courage to do that.”)

Organization

The writer provides adequate organization in the essay. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices, and overall, the writer’s message is adequate for the task presented.

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. (“Cats actually jump from 100 feet and don't get hurt, but jump from 50 feet and do get hurt. Although, cats get into horrible accidents, they still find a way to get out of it. Cats use their flexibility, strength, and confidence to survive.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “first,” “next,” and “finally,” which help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. In the essay, subtle transitions help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Next, cats use their strength to survive. They use the power of their sharp claws, in the article ‘Here, Kitty, Kitty’ the author tells us a story about how a cat named Polly got trapped under cement so when a couple came near the area they heard sharp nail strokes from the other side of the cement, so the construction builders cut open a hole, and Polly came out. They also need really good balance in their body to survive. They need balance because when they fall cats need to balance themselves and stay focused.”)

The brief conclusion restates the writer’s position but fails to leave the readers with something to think about . (“Clearly, cats live under crazy circumstances because of their flexibility, strength , and intelligent minds.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits adequate use of language, voice, and style. The essay reveals appropriate language and word choices with an awareness of audience and control of voice. It generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“First, cats use their flexibility to help them move their body. In ‘A Cats Nine Lives’ it states that when cats fall of really high buildings they have a certain routine they do so they do not get injured as much. They twist there spine, spread out their hands, and push down to loosen the impact. If cats fall from higher buildings, it's better for them because they have time to do the routine of jumping. And if they don't fall from high buildings they cant get there body into shape before they land.”)

The writer’s use of language and tone is consistent throughout the essay. (“They use the power of their sharp claws, in the article ‘Here, Kitty, Kitty’ the author tells us a story about how a cat named Polly got trapped under cement so when a couple came near the area they heard sharp nail strokes from the other side of the cement, so the construction builders cut open a hole, and Polly came out. They also need really good balance in their body to survive. They need balance because when they fall cats need to balance themselves and stay focused.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice when presenting his/her opinion in the essay. (“Cats also never give up Trigger could of not tried getting out of the dirt and gave up, but he knew he can't. Having a positive attitude is also very good for a cat so they have courage. Cats have confidence so they could survive because a cat in the video ‘A Cats Nine Lives’ jumped out of a window. Don't you think you will need alot of courage to do that.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and most words are spelled correctly. (“He was buried alive in his neighbors backyard after a couple of days he had freed himself by using his intelligent mind. Cats also never give up Trigger could of not tried getting out of the dirt and gave up, but he knew he can't.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Do Cat's Have Nine Lives?

In my opion I believe that cats have the ability to survive amazing circumstances. Even though cats are seen as house pets they can survive on their own. For example, falling from high building's, trap in small places, and hunt on ground or on trees.

First falling from high buildings. When cats fall from high building's the first step they do is roate their head, then arms, and last their body. I believe cats can fall one hundred feet, and I also believe when cats fall not that high they have less time to twist their body.

Next, get trapped in small places. Cats can survive in small places for about six weeks, they lick the moisture to drink from their fur. another example ''Tigger story'' He was trapped under ground by a mud slide, but once-chubby he slimmed down enough to squeeze through.

Last, they hunt on ground, or on trees. They need claws to clime and hunt. They also need aptitude, and balance to help hunt, and clime trees.

All in all cats get into terrible trouble, such as being buried alive by a land slide or stuck under concrete for six weeks, and get out of it alive.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion /position/thesis statement on the issue of cats surviving dangerous circumstances, but the essay may be unclear or underdeveloped. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The writer establishes a limited opinion /position/thesis statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“ In my opion I believe that cats have the ability to survive amazing circumstances. Even though cats are seen as house pets they can survive on their own. ”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer does attempt to address the readers but is very limited in the use of persuasive terms to convince the readers of his/her point of view. (“ First falling from high buildings. When cats fall from high building's the first step they do is roate their head, then arms, and last their body. I believe cats can fall one hundred feet, and I also believe when cats fall not that high they have less time to twist their body. ”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support his/her stated position but does not go into enough detail to adequately support his/her opinion. (“Next, get trapped in small places. Cats can survive in small places for about six weeks, they lick the moisture to drink from their fur. another example ‘Tigger story’ He was trapped under ground by a mud slide, but once-chubby he slimmed down enough to squeeze through. ”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position about why cats can survive extraordinary events.

The details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“First falling from high buildings. When cats fall from high building's the first step they do is roate their head, then arms, and last their body. I believe cats can fall one hundred feet, and I also believe when cats fall not that high they have less time to twist their body.”)

Although the writer includes an anecdote from the text that attempts to explain or illustrate his/her point of view on the issue, he/she does not provide enough detail to effectively support the position . (“Next, get trapped in small places. Cats can survive in small places for about six weeks, they lick the moisture to drink from their fur. another example ‘Tigger story’ He was trapped under ground by a mud slide, but once-chubby he slimmed down enough to squeeze through. ”)

The essay needs details that are clear and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas about how cats survive, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce the writer’s position on the issue. (“ Last, they hunt on ground, or on trees. They need claws to clime and hunt. They also need aptitude, and balance to help hunt, and clime trees. ”)

Organization

Although the writer exhibits evidence of structure in the essay, t he organization and flow of ideas in the response is limited.

The writer attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the essay by presenting interesting facts and previewing his/her reasons that cats can survive. (“ In my opion I believe that cats have the ability to survive amazing circumstances. Even though cats are seen as house pets they can survive on their own. For example, falling from high building's, trap in small places, and hunt on ground or on trees. ”)

The transitions included between paragraphs may indicate another main point, but they do not show a relationship between the writer’s ideas that would lead readers toward a logical conclusion. (“Next, get trapped in small places. Cats can survive in small places for about six weeks, they lick the moisture to drink from their fur. another example ‘Tigger story’ He was trapped under ground by a mud slide, but once-chubby he slimmed down enough to squeeze through. ”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited way, but it does not restate arguments or leave readers with something to think about. (“ All in all cats get into terrible trouble, such as being buried alive by a land slide or stuck under concrete for six weeks, and get out of it alive. ”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“When cats fall from high building's the first step they do is roate their head, then arms, and last their body. I believe cats can fall one hundred feet, and I also believe when cats fall not that high they have less time to twist their body. ”)

There is a limited variety of sentences in the essay, and it contains fragments and run-on sentences. (“Next, get trapped in small places. Cats can survive in small places for about six weeks, they lick the moisture to drink from their fur. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. (“Last, they hunt on ground, or on trees. They need claws to clime and hunt. They also need aptitude, and balance to help hunt, and clime trees. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and words are spelled correctly. (“ another example ‘Tigger story’ He was trapped under ground by a mud slide, but once-chubby he slimmed down enough to squeeze through. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Cat's has amazing Circumstances

Although many cats has amazing circumstances and has nine lives. There are many thing to learn about Tigger's story, Polly's story, and A cats nine lives.

One example, There are many thing to learn about Tigger's story. Tigger got stuck under a pile of dirt and rocks in a neighbor's yard. One time when I was walking I saw a cat in dirt's and rocks were coming to the cat and I had to help the cat because I felt bad for the cat and my mom told me to. Tigger story was weather had caused a landslide in the yard and buried the poor cat alive. One time in my neighborhood there was a man and he had a cat and he buried a poor cat alive to. When Tigger got buried he had nothing to eat and only the moisture he licked from his fur to drink. Tigger slipped into the neighbors house when Tiggers was terribly weak and thin.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides minimal focus and meaning. The writer d emonstrates little attempt at stating an opinion about the issue presented in the prompt task. T he writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience, and consequently c ompletes few parts of the task.

The essay does not state a clearly defined opinion about the issue. (“ Although many cats has amazing circumstances and has nine lives. There are many thing to learn about Tigger's story, Polly's story, and A cats nine lives. ”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended readers. (“ One time when I was walking I saw a cat in dirt's and rocks were coming to the cat and I had to help the cat because I felt bad for the cat and my mom told me to. Tigger story was weather had caused a landslide in the yard and buried the poor cat alive. One time in my neighborhood there was a man and he had a cat and he buried a poor cat alive to. ”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to maintain the essay’s focus. (“ When Tigger got buried he had nothing to eat and only the moisture he licked from his fur to drink. Tigger slipped into the neighbors house when Tiggers was terribly weak and thin. ”)

Content & Development

The writer develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer's position on why cats are able to survive in extreme circumstances. T he essay is minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion/position/thesis statement. (“ One example, There are many thing to learn about Tigger's story. Tigger got stuck under a pile of dirt and rocks in a neighbor's yard. One time when I was walking I saw a cat in dirt's and rocks were coming to the cat and I had to help the cat because I felt bad for the cat and my mom told me to. ”)

Minimal details are used to explain and illustrate the writer’s point of view on the issue of a cat’s ability to survive in extreme conditions. (“ When Tigger got buried he had nothing to eat and only the moisture he licked from his fur to drink. ”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“ Although many cats has amazing circumstances and has nine lives. There are many thing to learn about Tigger's story, Polly's story, and A cats nine lives. ”)

The writer does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect his/her opinion effectively. Also, transitions are not used effectively between paragraphs or between sentences. (“ One example, There are many thing to learn about Tigger's story. Tigger got stuck under a pile of dirt and rocks in a neighbor's yard. One time when I was walking I saw a cat in dirt's and rocks were coming to the cat and I had to help the cat because I felt bad for the cat and my mom told me to. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the writer’s opinion; it ends abruptly without leaving the readers with something to think about. (“Tigger slipped into the neighbors house when Tiggers was terribly weak and thin.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The writer does not provide a clear voice that emphasizes his/her opinion about the reasons that cats are able to survive in extraordinary circumstances. (“Although many cats has amazing circumstances and has nine lives. There are many thing to learn about Tigger's story, Polly's story, and A cats nine lives.”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer employs run-on sentences that contain repetitive ideas. (“One time when I was walking I saw a cat in dirt's and rocks were coming to the cat and I had to help the cat because I felt bad for the cat and my mom told me to. ”)

The writer does not incorporate effective persuasive terms to convince the readers to support the writer’s point of view on the issue being debated. The writer can click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover word choices that would emphasize his/her message in a more convincing way. (“When Tigger got buried he had nothing to eat and only the moisture he licked from his fur to drink. Tigger slipped into the neighbors house when Tiggers was terribly weak and thin. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization in the essay. Many words in the essay are spelled incorrectly, and there are run-on sentences and several errors in subject-verb agreement. (“ Although many cats has amazing circumstances and has nine lives. There are many thing to learn about Tigger's story, Polly's story, and A cats nine lives. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

why do cats need nine lives so they can stay forever so stif they get hurt they will be belive.

one reson is that if they fall off they will get hurt they stay alive if they fall off of a big building on the top they get a litte cut if your lower they will breck there arm. on story that i herd that was a cat got stuck in the gutter then came out at the water fount. one time they were redoing there house for there son the cat got stuck like a statue but it still ate it got out in a year.

my neighbor a cat it ate all my mice out of the house. my aunt has to cats every time i go over there there is brid guts every.

cat are smart because the can attack brids and mouse i see alot on

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates almost no effort at stating an opinion about the issue presented in the prompt task. As a result, the essay satisfies few requirements of the task.

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“why do cats need nine lives so they can stay forever so stif they get hurt they will be belive.”)

The essay reveals the writer’s belief that cats have “nine lives,” but he/she fails to include detailed supporting ideas to explain why cats are able to survive extraordinary situations. (“one reson is that if they fall off they will get hurt they stay alive if they fall off of a big building on the top they get a litte cut if your lower they will breck there arm. on story that i herd that was a cat got stuck in the gutter then came out at the water fount. one time they were redoing there house for there son the cat got stuck like a statue but it still ate it got out in a year.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. (“cat are smart because the can attack brids and mouse i see alot on”)

Content & Development

The essay contains inadequate content and development. Little or no attempt is made to use details to support the writer' s opinion on the issue of why cats have the ability to survive amazing circumstances . The response is insufficient and inadequate.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. (“ my neighbor a cat it ate all my mice out of the house. my aunt has to cats every time i go over there there is brid guts every.”)

Since the response is so brief, there are few main ideas presented as body paragraphs in the essay. At least three main ideas should be included as support for the writer’s opinion. (“ one reson is that if they fall off they will get hurt they stay alive if they fall off of a big building on the top they get a litte cut if your lower they will breck there arm. on story that i herd that was a cat got stuck in the gutter then came out at the water fount. one time they were redoing there house for there son the cat got stuck like a statue but it still ate it got out in a year.”)

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. The writer merely states that cats are smart. (“ cat are smart because the can attack brids and mouse i see alot on”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“why do cats need nine lives so they can stay forever so stif they get hurt they will be belive.”)

Supporting paragraphs with three or more details are needed to support the writer’s opinion. The essay is simply too short to convey a well-rounded, convincing argument. (“my neighbor a cat it ate all my mice out of the house. my aunt has to cats every time i go over there there is brid guts every.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the writer’s opinion or leaves readers with something to think about. (“cat are smart because the can attack brids and mouse i see alot on”)

Language Use & Style

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“ why do cats need nine lives so they can stay forever so stif they get hurt they will be belive.”)

The style of the writing in the response is inadequate. Because the writer does not incorporate language that explains the writer’s ideas, the voice of the writer is muted, and the effectiveness of his/her point of view is lost. (“ one reson is that if they fall off they will get hurt they stay alive if they fall off of a big building on the top they get a litte cut if your lower they will breck there arm.”)

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion effectively. (“ on story that i herd that was a cat got stuck in the gutter then came out at the water fount. one time they were redoing there house for there son the cat got stuck like a statue but it still ate it got out in a year.”) Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things more effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Do Children Need Their Own Phones?

Read “Advice to Parents” and “Young Children Should Have Cell Phones.” Do you believe that children under the age of 12 should or should not have cell phones?

In a multi-paragraph essay, support your position on whether children under the age of 12 should or should not have cell phones. Refer to “Advice to Parents” and “Young Children Should Have Cell Phones” to support your position.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Children under the age of twelve need a cell phone. First, parents can reach their children. Second, children can contact their parents. Third, children do not have to bug their parents to use a cell phone. Finally, children can have their own phone number to free up their parents' lines and learn responsibility.

First, parents can reach their children at all times. If a parent is late or knows that they will be late from work, they can call their children and let them know they will be late and make new plans meet. Parents' plans often change and it would be better if they could tell their children what to do as changes happen. Being able to talk to their children will keep them safe.

Second, children can contact their parents. On the first day of school, I did not know where to get off the bus. I did not have a cell phone to call my mom to let her know I needed help. If I had a cell phone, I could have avoided getting lost and having such a bad experience. There are many times when children and parents are not together like school or sports. Parents would be more comfortable knowing that their children were safe even when they are not together.

Third, children do not have to bug their parents to use a cell phone. It would be easier for everyone if children had their own phone. I know that my parents get tired of my asking to use their cell phone. They use their phones for work and play and do not want to share or lose their cell phones because their children want to use them. Having a phone of my own would solve this problem. The use of cell is becoming more important as they replace more traditional forms of communication.

Finally, children can have their own phone number to free up their parents' lines and learn responsibility. Parents do not like it when children tie up their phone line and they miss their important calls. If children had their own phones, then parents would not have to worry about this. Children would also have to be responsible to make sure they do not go over their minutes. This helps children learn responsibility because they will work hard not to lose their phone by breaking the rules and going over their minutes.

Some people think that children under the age of twelve should not have a cell phone. They argue that parents usually know where their children are or communicate to them in advance what is expected. Parents are concerned that children might abuse their cell phone or be bullied by other children. This can be avoided with proper planning and education. There are good and bad things about this issue. Individual families must decide if their children will have a cell phone or not.

However, the good things outweigh the bad things when children under the age of twelve have cell phones. First, parents can call them so they know where their children are at all times. Second, children can get in contact with their parents when needed. Third, they also do not have to bug their parents to use a cell phone. Lastly, children are not tying up their parents' phone lines so they miss important calls while also learning responsibility. All of these reasons help children to be safe. Furthermore, having a cell phone is becoming a standard way of life. Parents should consider these reasons as they make their own choices for their families.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer’s opinionative statement is direct and clearly stated at the beginning of the response. (“Children under the age of twelve need a cell phone. First, parents can reach their children. Second, children can contact their parents. Third, children do not have to bug their parents to use a cell phone. Finally, children can have their own phone number to free up their parents' lines and learn responsibility.”) However, the writer should add a scenario, interesting fact, or anecdote prior to the thesis statement to engage the readers in a more meaningful way.

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“First, parents can reach their children at all times. If a parent is late or knows that they will be late from work, they can call their children and let them know they will be late and make new plans meet. Parents' plans often change and it would be better if they could tell their children what to do as changes happen. Being able to talk to their children will keep them safe.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion that children under the age of twelve need a cell phone. (“Second, children can contact their parents. On the first day of school, I did not know where to get off the bus. I did not have a cell phone to call my mom to let her know I needed help. If I had a cell phone, I could have avoided getting lost and having such a bad experience. There are many times when children and parents are not together like school or sports. Parents would be more comfortable knowing that their children were safe even when they are not together. Third, children do not have to bug their parents to use a cell phone. It would be easier for everyone if children had their own phone.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. He/she develops arguments u sing specific, appropriate, and relevant details to support the asserted position on the issue of children having their own phones. The essay aptly addresses the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“Some people think that children under the age of twelve should not have a cell phone. They argue that parents usually know where their children are or communicate to them in advance what is expected. Parents are concerned that children might abuse their cell phone or be bullied by other children. This can be avoided with proper planning and education. There are good and bad things about this issue. Individual families must decide if their children will have a cell phone or not.”)

The writer uses a personal anecdote to illustrate his/her point of view. (“On the first day of school, I did not know where to get off the bus. I did not have a cell phone to call my mom to let her know I needed help. If I had a cell phone, I could have avoided getting lost and having such a bad experience. There are many times when children and parents are not together like school or sports. Parents would be more comfortable knowing that their children were safe even when they are not together.”)

The details in the paragraphs support the writer’s stance on the issue effectively. (“Finally, children can have their own phone number to free up their parents' lines and learn responsibility. Parents do not like it when children tie up their phone line and they miss their important calls. If children had their own phones, then parents would not have to worry about this. Children would also have to be responsible to make sure they do not go over their minutes. This helps children learn responsibility because they will work hard not to lose their phone by breaking the rules and going over their minutes.”)

Organization

There is very effective organization. The writer provides a cohesive and unified essay structure, with a clear introduction and a strong conclusion. Effective paragraphing and transitional devices create a unified and well-structured essay.

The essay's introduction is direct and clearly reveals the writer's stance on the issue. (“Children under the age of twelve need a cell phone. First, parents can reach their children. Second, children can contact their parents. Third, children do not have to bug their parents to use a cell phone. Finally, children can have their own phone number to free up their parents' lines and learn responsibility.”)

The writer uses transitions to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Finally, children can have their own phone number to free up their parents' lines and learn responsibility. Parents do not like it when children tie up their phone line and they miss their important calls. If children had their own phones, then parents would not have to worry about this. Children would also have to be responsible to make sure they do not go over their minutes.”)

The conclusion effectively summarizes the argument and leaves the readers with a request to consider the writer’s points before arriving at a decision. (“… All of these reasons help children to be safe. Furthermore, having a cell phone is becoming a standard way of life. Parents should consider these reasons as they make their own choices for their families.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Finally, children can have their own phone number to free up their parents' lines and learn responsibility. Parents do not like it when children tie up their phone line and they miss their important calls. If children had their own phones, then parents would not have to worry about this. Children would also have to be responsible to make sure they do not go over their minutes. This helps children learn responsibility because they will work hard not to lose their phone by breaking the rules and going over their minutes.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by writing or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“If a parent is late or knows that they will be late from work, they can call their children and let them know they will be late and make new plans meet. Parents' plans often change and it would be better if they could tell their children what to do as changes happen. Being able to talk to their children will keep them safe.”)

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“Second, children can contact their parents. On the first day of school, I did not know where to get off the bus. I did not have a cell phone to call my mom to let her know I needed help. If I had a cell phone, I could have avoided getting lost and having such a bad experience. There are many times when children and parents are not together like school or sports. Parents would be more comfortable knowing that their children were safe even when they are not together.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay shows the writer’s very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, and words are spelled correctly. (“Some people think that children under the age of twelve should not have a cell phone. They argue that parents usually know where their children are or communicate to them in advance what is expected. Parents are concerned that children might abuse their cell phone or be bullied by other children.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

In my opinion, I think children under the age of 12 should not have cell phones. Starting off with cell phones cost a lot of money. Secondly, during school they could cheat. Third, kids might play them at school and not pay attention to the teacher. To end with, children could text all night and not get any sleep. Read the rest to find out all of the important details of why I think children under 12 should not have cell phones.

Starting off, cell phones could be a lot of money for children under 12. The cell phone will probably not get a lot of use from the children. They are almost always with an adult. They might not be responsible for a cell phone yet. Like if they were just walking home from school they could drop it and they couldn't use it any more. So they would be wasting a lot of money. Cell phones are too much money for kids.

Next, they could cheat with their phone at school or anywhere. They could get all of thieir math problems from their calculater. A lot of kids could find answers from a website on Google. The teacher might give them credit, but really they just got it from a website. When they are trying to look something up something bad could pop up. Teachers don't want their students to cheat on tests assignments and more.

Also, children could be texting or playing a game at night and not get any sleep. They could be getting in trouble because they fall asleep at school. Day dreaming could cause them to not learn any thing in class. No sleeping can cause serious health problems. It says in an article, "Texting or phoning instead of sleeping causes children to suffer poor health problems at school." Children need their sleep at home.

Students could play their cell phones at school and could not learn anything. Instead of heading to class they could be playing them and be late to class and miss important things. They could text and play their phone instead of listening to their teacher. Students could play their phone during tests and instead of doing assignments. Students will have late assignments because of doing their work. Teachers would be happier if students didn't play their phones.

Some people think that children 12 and under should have cell phones. In the article, "Young children should have cell phones" it said, "Both parents and children will feel better if a child has a cell phone." It is not about feeling good about it, it is about safety and other things. There is no scientific proof that children 12 and under should have cell phones.

In conclusion, kids 12 and under should't have cell phones. First of all, they might not be responsible enough to have an expensive device. Then, they could cheat with their phones. After that, they could have health problems because they are texting at night and not getting any sleep. At last, if kids play them at school, they won't learn anything. Children don't need cell phones, they want them.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is good focus and meaning in the essay. The writer establishes and maintains a clear opinion/position/thesis statement to argue the issue and satisfies most parts of the prompt task. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer asserts his/her stance on the issue from the very beginning. (“In my opinion, I think children under the age of 12 should not have cell phones. Starting off with cell phones cost a lot of money. Secondly, during school they could cheat. Third, kids might play them at school and not pay attention to the teacher. To end with, children could text all night and not get any sleep. Read the rest to find out all of the important details of why I think children under 12 should not have cell phones.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Also, children could be texting or playing a game at night and not get any sleep. They could be getting in trouble because they fall asleep at school. Day dreaming could cause them to not learn any thing in class. No sleeping can cause serious health problems. It says in an article, ‘Texting or phoning instead of sleeping causes children to suffer poor health problems at school.’ Children need their sleep at home. Students could play their cell phones at school and could not learn anything. Instead of heading to class they could be playing them and be late to class and miss important things. They could text and play their phone instead of listening to their teacher.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“Starting off, cell phones could be a lot of money for children under 12. The cell phone will probably not get a lot of use from the children. They are almost always with an adult. They might not be responsible for a cell phone yet. Like if they were just walking home from school they could drop it and they couldn't use it any more. So they would be wasting a lot of money. Cell phones are too much money for kids. Next, they could cheat with their phone at school or anywhere. They could get all of thieir math problems from their calculater. A lot of kids could find answers from a website on Google. The teacher might give them credit, but really they just got it from a website. When they are trying to look something up something bad could pop up. Teachers don't want their students to cheat on tests assignments and more.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides sufficient development of ideas in the essay. He/she develops arguments using some specific and relevant details to support the stated position. Additionally, the writer clearly addresses the readers' opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own stance on the issue. (“Some people think that children 12 and under should have cell phones. In the article, ‘Young children should have cell phones’ it said, ‘Both parents and children will feel better if a child has a cell phone.’ It is not about feeling good about it, it is about safety and other things. There is no scientific proof that children 12 and under should have cell phones.”)

The writer’s details are relevant to the issue presented in the prompt task. (“Next, they could cheat with their phone at school or anywhere. They could get all of thieir math problems from their calculater. A lot of kids could find answers from a website on Google. The teacher might give them credit, but really they just got it from a website. When they are trying to look something up something bad could pop up. Teachers don't want their students to cheat on tests assignments and more. Also, children could be texting or playing a game at night and not get any sleep. They could be getting in trouble because they fall asleep at school.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“Students could play their cell phones at school and could not learn anything. Instead of heading to class they could be playing them and be late to class and miss important things. They could text and play their phone instead of listening to their teacher. Students could play their phone during tests and instead of doing assignments. Students will have late assignments because of doing their work. Teachers would be happier if students didn't play their phones.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. There is good use of paragraphing and some subtle transitions that keeps the flow of the argument smooth and consistent.

The writer clearly states his/her thesis in the introduction. (“In my opinion, I think children under the age of 12 should not have cell phones. Starting off with cell phones cost a lot of money. Secondly, during school they could cheat. Third, kids might play them at school and not pay attention to the teacher. To end with, children could text all night and not get any sleep. Read the rest to find out all of the important details of why I think children under 12 should not have cell phones.”)

Transitions help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Next, they could cheat with their phone at school or anywhere. They could get all of thieir math problems from their calculater. A lot of kids could find answers from a website on Google. The teacher might give them credit, but really they just got it from a website. When they are trying to look something up something bad could pop up. Teachers don't want their students to cheat on tests assignments and more.”) The writer should use more transitions, especially between sentences, to improve the flow of ideas in the essay.

The conclusion summarizes the writer's argument and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“In conclusion, kids 12 and under should't have cell phones. First of all, they might not be responsible enough to have an expensive device. Then, they could cheat with their phones. After that, they could have health problems because they are texting at night and not getting any sleep. At last, if kids play them at school, they won't learn anything. Children don't need cell phones, they want them.”)

Language Use & Style

There is good use of language, voice, and style in the essay. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choices, some evidence of voice, and a clear sense of audience. Sentence variety is evident, but the writer could improve sentence structures to create a more effective message to the intended audience.

The writer uses language to argue his/her position on the issue effectively. (“Students could play their cell phones at school and could not learn anything. Instead of heading to class they could be playing them and be late to class and miss important things. They could text and play their phone instead of listening to their teacher. Students could play their phone during tests and instead of doing assignments. Students will have late assignments because of doing their work. Teachers would be happier if students didn't play their phones.”)

Sentences tend to be short. By combining short sentences using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) and adding more details, the writer could create complex sentence structures that would improve the communication of the overall message. (“In conclusion, kids 12 and under should't have cell phones. First of all, they might not be responsible enough to have an expensive device. Then, they could cheat with their phones. ”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. (“Also, children could be texting or playing a game at night and not get any sleep. They could be getting in trouble because they fall asleep at school. Day dreaming could cause them to not learn any thing in class. No sleeping can cause serious health problems. It says in an article, ‘Texting or phoning instead of sleeping causes children to suffer poor health problems at school.’ Children need their sleep at home.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay reveals good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and most words are spelled correctly. (“Some people think that children 12 and under should have cell phones. In the article, ‘Young children should have cell phones’ it said, ‘Both parents and children will feel better if a child has a cell phone.’ It is not about feeling good about it, it is about safety and other things. There is no scientific proof that children 12 and under should have cell phones.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

To whom it may concern,

I don't think kids under 12 should have a phone. I am going to give you 4 reasons why. First, phones are a lot of money. Second, kids aren't responsible. Third, kids have competitions. Fourth, it's a distraction at school. Children under 12 should not have a phone.

For starters, phones cost a lot of money. While your parents are busy paying off the house, their child comes and says that they want a phone. Phones are $200 to $300 plus tax. You have to pay the monthly due. Parents need their money to get food and to get the bills done.

Next, kids our ages aren't responsible. If we are at school and we are running around we might drop it and step on it or just lose it. You tell your parents who spent $300 on your phone. Who needed that money for school or bills and they will get really mad. They have to spend more $300 on your phone again.

After that, kids have competitions. What I mean by competitions is like when they got their phone. So they say," I got my phone when I was 3." They do that to make people jealous. If you tell your friend when you got it your guys will have an argument. You won't be friends anymore. Even teenagers will fight over it.

Last but not least, the phone is a distraction at school. Some kids that are taking a test you might take out their phones with the sound on and that would be annoying. If the sound was off, you would the little clicking noise from the phone. If you put your phone on vibrate in your desk, you would hear the vibration noise or in your backpack you could hear it.

I know phones can used to help with emergencies and to contact your parents any time. But, texting overates us when we need to speak face to face. We loose our sleep. Plus, we could become bullies. That is why kids shouldn't have phones under 12.

In conclusion, that is why I don't think kids under 12 should have phones. First, phones cost a lot of money. Next, kids aren't responsible. Thirdly, we have competitions. Last but not least, it is a distraction at school. Those are my reasons why I think kids shouldn't have phones who are under 12.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes an opinion/position/thesis statement concerning children having their own cell phones and adequately attempts to argue the issue presented in the prompt task . Additionally, the writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience and satisfies many parts of the prompt task.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“To whom it may concern, I don't think kids under 12 should have a phone. I am going to give you 4 reasons why. First, phones are a lot of money. Second, kids aren't responsible. Third, kids have competitions. Fourth, it's a distraction at school. Children under 12 should not have a phone.”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Next, kids our ages aren't responsible. If we are at school and we are running around we might drop it and step on it or just lose it. You tell your parents who spent $300 on your phone. Who needed that money for school or bills and they will get really mad. They have to spend more $300 on your phone again. After that, kids have competitions. What I mean by competitions is like when they got their phone. So they say, ‘I got my phone when I was 3.’ They do that to make people jealous. If you tell your friend when you got it your guys will have an argument. You won't be friends anymore. Even teenagers will fight over it.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“I don't think kids under 12 should have a phone. I am going to give you 4 reasons why. First, phones are a lot of money. Second, kids aren't responsible. Third, kids have competitions. Fourth, it's a distraction at school. Children under 12 should not have a phone. For starters, phones cost a lot of money. While your parents are busy paying off the house, their child comes and says that they want a phone. Phones are $200 to $300 plus tax. You have to pay the monthly due. Parents need their money to get food and to get the bills done.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some specific and relevant details to support the stated position. However, ideas could be further developed to give the readers a better understanding of the overall argument. Incorporating more specific, appropriate, and relevant supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate main ideas would bolster the argument in a meaningful way.

Most of the writer’s details adequately support the argument against children having their own cell phones. (“For starters, phones cost a lot of money. While your parents are busy paying off the house, their child comes and says that they want a phone. Phones are $200 to $300 plus tax. You have to pay the monthly due. Parents need their money to get food and to get the bills done.”)

The explanations and details used in the body paragraphs are adequate, but additional details could create a more comprehensive response for the intended readers. (“Last but not least, the phone is a distraction at school. Some kids that are taking a test you might take out their phones with the sound on and that would be annoying. If the sound was off, you would the little clicking noise from the phone. If you put your phone on vibrate in your desk, you would hear the vibration noise or in your backpack you could hear it.”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her position on the issue. (“I know phones can used to help with emergencies and to contact your parents any time. But, texting overates us when we need to speak face to face. We loose our sleep. Plus, we could become bullies. That is why kids shouldn't have phones under 12.”)

Organization

The writer provides adequate organization in the essay. He/she demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices, but overall, the writer’s message is adequate for the task presented.

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. (“To whom it may concern,

The writer uses transitions to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. (“After that, kids have competitions. What I mean by competitions is like when they got their phone. So they say, ‘I got my phone when I was 3.’ They do that to make people jealous. If you tell your friend when you got it your guys will have an argument. You won't be friends anymore. Even teenagers will fight over it. Last but not least, the phone is a distraction at school…”)

The conclusion adequately restates the writer's argument and gives the readers a sense of closure. (“In conclusion, that is why I don't think kids under 12 should have phones. First, phones cost a lot of money. Next, kids aren't responsible. Thirdly, we have competitions. Last but not least, it is a distraction at school. Those are my reasons why I think kids shouldn't have phones who are under 12.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“Last but not least, the phone is a distraction at school. Some kids that are taking a test you might take out their phones with the sound on and that would be annoying. If the sound was off, you would the little clicking noise from the phone. If you put your phone on vibrate in your desk, you would hear the vibration noise or in your backpack you could hear it.”)

The writer’s use of language and tone is consistent throughout the essay. (“For starters, phones cost a lot of money. While your parents are busy paying off the house, their child comes and says that they want a phone. Phones are $200 to $300 plus tax. You have to pay the monthly due. Parents need their money to get food and to get the bills done. Next, kids our ages aren't responsible. If we are at school and we are running around we might drop it and step on it or just lose it. You tell your parents who spent $300 on your phone. Who needed that money for school or bills and they will get really mad. They have to spend more $300 on your phone again.”)

The writer employs adequate word choices to argue his/her position on the issue of children having their own cell phones. (“After that, kids have competitions. What I mean by competitions is like when they got their phone. So they say, ‘I got my phone when I was 3.’ They do that to make people jealous. If you tell your friend when you got it your guys will have an argument. You won't be friends anymore. Even teenagers will fight over it.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and most words are spelled correctly. (“I know phones can used to help with emergencies and to contact your parents any time. But, texting overates us when we need to speak face to face. We loose our sleep.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Yes, I think children do need cell phones keep on reading to find out why I think that kids under 12 need phones.

To begin, I think children under 12 need phones. If a childs gets lost in a mall or another place, what would the child do? How would they contact their mom or dad? the childs would have to do something. The mom could leave the area without knowing their child is lost. If that happened, someone bad could kidnap them, or do something evil two them.

Next, what if they go to a party or a sleep over? they would have to contact them or talk to them or send a message. what if they don't know what their doing? and it's something they don't let the childs do. mom can actually call the police if they don't return their childs and then theyre could be a big issue.

last, what if the mom or dad doesn't pick them up from the school or there late and they forgot about them. the child could be left a lone they have to call their mom or dad. then the child would have to walk home and the mom would probally be driving to go pick her or he up then they would past each other and when the mom arrives she would be worried that she can't find her daughter or son then there could be a problem.

all in all, that is why I think kids under 12 should have cell phones and the parent will feel more safer about their child.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion /position/thesis on the argument of children having their own phones but may be unclear or underdeveloped in arguing the issue presented in the prompt task. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The writer expresses a limited opinion /position/thesis statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“Yes, I think children do need cell phones keep on reading to find out why I think that kids under 12 need phones.”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“last, what if the mom or dad doesn't pick them up from the school or there late and they forgot about them. the child could be left a lone they have to call their mom or dad. then the child would have to walk home and the mom would probally be driving to go pick her or he up then they would past each other and when the mom arrives she would be worried that she can't find her daughter or son then there could be a problem.”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer does attempt to address the readers but is very limited in the use of persuasive terms to convince the readers of his/her point of view. (“all in all, that is why I think kids under 12 should have cell phones and the parent will feel more safer about their child.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position for or against children having their own phones. The writer attempts to address the readers, but the lack of focus on supporting details renders the response limited and often very difficult to follow.

The writer is limited in developing ideas to support his/her stance on the issue presented in the prompt task. (“I think children under 12 need phones. If a childs gets lost in a mall or another place, what would the child do? How would they contact their mom or dad? the childs would have to do something. The mom could leave the area without knowing their child is lost. If that happened, someone bad could kidnap them, or do something evil two them.”)

The writer includes scenarios and questions to illustrate his/her stance on the issue. Although this gives the readers a limited amount of insight into the writer’s reasons for supporting children having their own cell phones, it is not effective support for the argument. (“Next, what if they go to a party or a sleep over? they would have to contact them or talk to them or send a message. what if they don't know what their doing? and it's something they don't let the childs do. mom can actually call the police if they don't return their childs and then theyre could be a big issue.”)

The essay needs details that are relevant and specific. Details could include clear examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. (“last, what if the mom or dad doesn't pick them up from the school or there late and they forgot about them. the child could be left a lone they have to call their mom or dad. then the child would have to walk home and the mom would probally be driving to go pick her or he up then they would past each other and when the mom arrives she would be worried that she can't find her daughter or son then there could be a problem.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas is limited at best. The essay exhibits evidence of structure but with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. The writer incorporates the use of paragraphing, but the essay lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The writer does little to engage the readers in the essay's introduction. (“Yes, I think children do need cell phones keep on reading to find out why I think that kids under 12 need phones.”)

The writer manages to employ transitions between paragraphs but not between sentences. (“To begin, I think children under 12 need phones. If a childs gets lost in a mall or another place, what would the child do? How would they contact their mom or dad? the childs would have to do something. The mom could leave the area without knowing their child is lost. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited way, but it does not restate arguments, leave the readers with something to think about, or tell the readers what to do next. (“all in all, that is why I think kids under 12 should have cell phones and the parent will feel more safer about their child.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/position/thesis statement. (“Yes, I think children do need cell phones keep on reading to find out why I think that kids under 12 need phones.”)

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. (“Next, what if they go to a party or a sleep over? they would have to contact them or talk to them or send a message. what if they don't know what their doing? and it's something they don't let the childs do. mom can actually call the police if they don't return their childs and then theyre could be a big issue.”)

There is a limited variety of sentences in the essay. For example, the writer relies heavily on beginning numerous sentences with the phrase “what if.” (“…what if they go to a party or a sleep over? they would have to contact them or talk to them or send a message. what if they don't know what their doing? and it's something they don't let the childs do. mom can actually call the police if they don't return their childs and then theyre could be a big issue. last, what if the mom or dad doesn't pick them up from the school or there late and they forgot about them.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and words are spelled correctly. (“they would have to contact them or talk to them or send a message. what if they don't know what their doing? and it's something they don't let the childs do. mom can actually call the police if they don't return their childs and then theyre could be a big issue.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I think that kids should have celphones at school. I think they need celphones in case of an emergency.

First reason,Like if there is a fire or a earth quak at school and the office dosen't know your moms or your dads number. Then no one could pick you up from school. With a celphone you could call any one in your family that lives close and far away witch is a good thing. So it would help a kid having a celphone.

kindergardeners and first graders and second graders do not need them because they haft to wait behind the gates for people who are older then them. Like their parents and there big brothers and big sisters. Truly,I think that kids in third grade and up should have celphones.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay exhibits minimal focus and meaning. The writer d emonstrates little attempt at stating an opinion/position/thesis or arguing the issue presented in the prompt task. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and consequently c ompletes few parts of the task.

The writer's opinion /position/thesis statement about the issue is minimally defined. (“I think that kids should have celphones at school. I think they need celphones in case of an emergency.”)

The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended readers. (“Then no one could pick you up from school. With a celphone you could call any one in your family that lives close and far away witch is a good thing. So it would help a kid having a celphone.”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“kindergardeners and first graders and second graders do not need them because they haft to wait behind the gates for people who are older then them. Like their parents and there big brothers and big sisters. Truly,I think that kids in third grade and up should have celphones.”)

Content & Development

The writer develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support his/her position on whether or not children should have their own cell phones. The writer does not demonstrate a strong awareness of audience and does not satisfy many parts of the prompt task.

There is minimal evidence presented that explains or supports the writer’s opinion/position/thesis statement. (“ First reason,Like if there is a fire or a earth quak at school and the office dosen't know your moms or your dads number. Then no one could pick you up from school. With a celphone you could call any one in your family that lives close and far away witch is a good thing. ”)

Minimal details are used to explain and illustrate the writer’s point of view. (“ kindergardeners and first graders and second graders do not need them because they haft to wait behind the gates for people who are older then them. Like their parents and there big brothers and big sisters. ”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“I think that kids should have celphones at school. I think they need celphones in case of an emergency.”)

The writer does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect his/her stance on the issue effectively. Also, transitions are minimally included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“ First reason,Like if there is a fire or a earth quak at school and the office dosen't know your moms or your dads number. Then no one could pick you up from school. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“Truly,I think that kids in third grade and up should have celphones.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/position/thesis statement effectively. (“I think that kids should have celphones at school. I think they need celphones in case of an emergency.”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“kindergardeners and first graders and second graders do not need them because they haft to wait behind the gates for people who are older then them. Like their parents and there big brothers and big sisters. ”)

The writer does not provide a clear voice that emphasizes his/her position on the argument of whether or not children should have their own cell phones. (“First reason,Like if there is a fire or a earth quak at school and the office dosen't know your moms or your dads number. Then no one could pick you up from school. With a celphone you could call any one in your family that lives close and far away witch is a good thing.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits minimal control of mechanics and conventions. He/she commits patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the intended message.

The essay does not display appropriate punctuation and capitalization, many words are spelled incorrectly, there are run-on sentences, and there are several errors in subject-verb agreement. (“ First reason,Like if there is a fire or a earth quak at school and the office dosen't know your moms or your dads number. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I think that they should have a phone because maybe be it could enemergensy or maybe the perents for got that it was early day and thay can call them to tell them and they will no. and if the perent let them go to the park and they got lost and they call you. I would have a phone so i can text and call. i would text to and they will text back and it is faster like calling to and you can text so you can tell them what you are doing and it can be for enemergensy to. gust like a calling and you can text when your perents let you and you can anlony text and call so your perent no's what you are doing so you are safe and that is why you need a phone to text and call on it so anlony use it when you relly need it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on the issue but fails to include detailed, supporting ideas to argue the asserted position effectively. (“ I think that they should have a phone because maybe be it could enemergensy or maybe the perents for got that it was early day and thay can call them to tell them and they will no. and if the perent let them go to the park and they got lost and they call you. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. (“gust like a calling and you can text when your perents let you and you can anlony text and call so your perent no's what you are doing so you are safe and that is why you need a phone to text and call on it so anlony use it when you relly need it.”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“ I think that they should have a phone because maybe be it could enemergensy or maybe the perents for got that it was early day and thay can call them to tell them and they will no. ”)

Content & Development

The essay contains inadequate content and development. Little effort is made to use relevant details to support the argument presented in the prompt task. The writer’s ideas are repetitive and ramble on, making the communication of his/her ideas inadequate for the task presented.

The essay does not include relevant details to support the stated opinion. (“…it could enemergensy or maybe the perents for got that it was early day and thay can call them to tell them and they will no. and if the perent let them go to the park… ”)

Since the one-paragraph response is so brief, there are no main ideas presented as body paragraphs in the essay. (“I would have a phone so i can text and call. i would text to and they will text back and it is faster like calling to and you can text so you can tell them what you are doing and it can be for enemergensy to. gust like a calling and you can text when your perents let you and you can anlony text and call so your perent no's what you are doing...”)

The writer does not develop examples to support his/her viewpoint adequately. (“I think that they should have a phone because maybe be it could enemergensy or maybe the perents for got that it was early day and thay can call them to tell them and they will no. and if the perent let them go to the park and they got lost and they call you. I would have a phone so i can text and call. i would text to and they will text back and it is faster like calling to and you can text so you can tell them what you are doing and it can be for enemergensy to. ”)

Organization

The organization of the essay is inadequate . The essay demonstrates no evidence of structure and lacks a recognizable introduction and conclusion. Also, there is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The writer does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ I think that they should have a phone because maybe be it could enemergensy or maybe the perents for got that it was early day and thay can call them to tell them and they will no. ”)

Transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. (“ and if the perent let them go to the park and they got lost and they call you. I would have a phone so i can text and call. ”)

The writer does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument or leaves the readers with something to think about as the essay draws to a close. (“ gust like a calling and you can text when your perents let you and you can anlony text and call so your perent no's what you are doing so you are safe and that is why you need a phone to text and call on it so anlony use it when you relly need it. ”)

Language Use & Style

There are run-on sentences in the essay. (“gust like a calling and you can text when your perents let you and you can anlony text and call so your perent no's what you are doing so you are safe and that is why you need a phone to text and call on it so anlony use it when you relly need it.”)

Word choices are simple and repetitive. (“I would have a phone so i can text and call. i would text to and they will text back and it is faster like calling to and you can text so you can tell them what you are doing and it can be for enemergensy to. ”)

The style of writing is inadequate. (“I think that they should have a phone because maybe be it could enemergensy or maybe the perents for got that it was early day and thay can call them to tell them and they will no. and if the perent let them go to the park and they got lost and they call you. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated by the use of line breaks, and words are spelled correctly. (“ I think that they should have a phone because maybe be it could enemergensy or maybe the perents for got that it was early day and thay can call them to tell them and they will no. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Eliminating Recess

“Your principal is considering eliminating recess so that there is more time for learning. Do you think that getting rid of recess is a good idea or a bad idea? Write a letter to your principal explaining your opinion on this issue and convincing him or her to agree with you.”

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Principal:

Why would you want to take away recess? I respect your opinion but I like recess. Recess is important because if you have problems in school work you can ask your teacher to help you at recess, you might need to clear up a problem, and have time to think about it. I know you just want us to have the best education but we need recess. If recess is taken away, then we would work nonstop and get exhausted. We need to exercise our legs and arms. We might have to much schoolwork.

One reason is that we need time to relax. We do all of our work to have a good education. We have to have recess to relax because we need to get out of focus on school work to rest our brains. We can go back to schoolwork more focused and maybe more determined to get a good education. Some kids are not having a good time without recess. Recess in school is fun and we enjoy being together. But school may become boring without recess.

Another reason to have recess is to have even more fun than just school work. We work on tests and after we are done we need a little bit of relaxation and more fun. We work on the tests and need a little bit more fun and clear our heads. We can and should have recess. It will benefit our school's education and we might become better of a school with recess. I know we can do anything but we need recess. We are number one but we need the world to see that we have fun and a good education.

Last but not least is if your plan works and takes away recess it will hurt you and the students because we need physical education more than just learning and gym. We need to stretch our legs. We need recess to have more physical education. You could hurt our future. Some of us want to go on to a main sport to go to the professional sport. So we need physical movement to go on to the professional sport. We have good sports at the school but we need a lot of physical education and not just gym but recess to get fresh air.

I like recess and so do other. Please do not take away recess. I will make a note and have everybody vote one paper for you to see how many like recess and that will include the teachers. Life is not fair so make recess fair and count us in on this please.Mr.Principal this is serious this is no game Mr.Principal just make it fair. If your plan works just tell us why you took away recess. We will understand but we will understand more if your let us have recess. That is my opinion and reasons about recess and why you should not take it away.

Sincerely,

Your Student

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author takes the issue presented in the writing prompt head on. Establishing and maintaining an insightful thesis (“ Recess is important because if you have problems in school work you can ask your teacher to help you at recess, you might need to clear up a problem, and have time to think about it. I know you just want us to have the best education but we need recess. If recess is taken away, then we would work nonstop and get exhausted. We need to exercise our legs and arms. ”), the author endeavors to persuade the reader with his/her position. Clearly, the author understands the purpose of the assignment and co mpletes all parts of the task.

Content & Development

The author makes several points in support of his/her position in this essay. For example, in the second paragraph, he/she addresses how recess allows students to take a break so they can be more focused in the classroom. (“We do all of our work to have a good education. We have to have recess to relax because we need to get out of focus on school work to rest our brains. We can go back to schoolwork more focused and maybe more determined to get a good education.”) In the fourth paragraph, the student also makes a point to show that recess is a form of physical education. (“Last but not least is if your plan works and takes away recess it will hurt you and the students because we need physical education more than just learning and gym. We need to stretch our legs. We need recess to have more physical education. You could hurt our future. Some of us want to go on to a main sport to go to the professional sport.”) The author cites relevant information that supports his/her position.

Organization

This essay is organized and shows a unified structure. In the opening paragraph, the author clearly states a position on this issue and remains focused on it. (“I know you just want us to have the best education but we need recess. If recess is taken away, then we would work nonstop and get exhausted. We need to exercise our legs and arms. We might have to much schoolwork.”) The body of the essay is appropriately organized using proper paragraphing and topic sentences. However, the conclusion fails to effectively summarize the writer's arguments.

Language Use & Style

The author displays effective language use and style. Sentence structure and word choice are correct and varied. (“Some of us want to go on to a main sport to go to the professional sport. So we need physical movement to go on to the professional sport. We have good sports at the school but we need a lot of physical education and not just gym but recess to get fresh air.”) The student’s voice is defined and identifiable throughout the response. (“I like recess and so do other. Please do not take away recess. I will make a note and have everybody vote one paper for you to see how many like recess and that will include the teachers. Life is not fair so make recess fair and count us in on this please.”) This author has a clear sense of the audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

This author demonstrates very effective control over the conventions and mechanics of writing. While this essay is not without errors, the errors that are present are minor and do not take away from the author’s message.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Mr.Principal,

Is it possible to get rid of recess? I think that recess is great. Mr. Principal, you want to eliminate recess to make us learn more. That is going to be a dreadful, humongous problem because we need exercise and somewhere to lose all that energy.

One reason why we need to keep recess is that we need to lose all that extra energy. If we don't we will have a little too much energy and we will not be able to sit still in class because we will be energized. We'll be jumping all over the room because we will be energized. Also, we will be a tiny bit mean because we want to be able to move around.

Another reason to keep recess is that we need time to relax our brains. If we don't we will have bad headaches. We could even have trouble learning because our heads will hurt. We will be grumpy and may not talk nice to our friends and teachers.

The most important reason is that we need time to exercise. If we don't we will be getting over weight. We will get really fat because we can't move around. We'll also be too fat to move around because we need recess and we have PE only once a week. Also we might be sluggish and have trouble concentrating.

I think that recess is great. If you give our recess back we will work harder. If you don't, I will come and talk to you again about the reasons I believe we need to have recess. We should also talk to the Superintendent about taking recess away from students. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely, the student body president

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author responds to this writing prompt by taking a distinct position. (“I think that recess is great. Mr. Principal, you want to eliminate recess to make us learn more. That is going to be a dreadful, humongous problem because we need exercise and somewhere to lose all that energy. ”) The author remains focused on this position and works to persuade the reader to accept it. Demonstrating a general understanding of the audience and purpose of this prompt, the author completes most parts of the assigned task.

Content & Development

The author develops his/her arguments in some detail using specific reasons. (“The most important reason is that we need time to exercise. If we don't we will be getting over weight. We will get really fat because we can't move around. We'll also be too fat to move around because we need recess and we have PE only once a week. Also we might be sluggish and have trouble concentrating.”) This essay could be improved if the author provided more specific information for the reader.

Organization

In a mostly unified manner, the author responds to the issue presented in the writing prompt by asking a key question in the opening paragraph. (“Is it possible to get rid of recess?” ) From there, the author’s argument unfolds and is summarized in the conclusion with a persuasive statement. (“ I think that recess is great. If you give our recess back we will work harder. If you don't, I will come and talk to you again about the reasons I believe we need to have recess. We should also talk to the Superintendent about taking recess away from students. ”)

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is mostly appropriate for this assignment, and he/she demonstrates adequate word choice. (“Another reason to keep recess is that we need time to relax our brains. If we don't we will have bad headaches. We could even have trouble learning because our heads will hurt. We will be grumpy and may not talk nice to our friends and teachers. ”) Overall, the author controls his/her voice, but he/she needs to keep the audience in mind.

Mechanics & Conventions

There are a few distracting errors in grammar (“If we don't we will be getting over weight.”), mechanics, punctuation, and spelling in this essay, but they do not interfere with the author’s message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Mrs. Principal,

I would reconsider the thought about eliminating recess. The kids learn a lot even with recess going on. Their mothers and fathers all give them homework to do after school. So banning recess is not my opinion, but it's up to you to make the decision. Here are some more reasons that getting rid of recess is a bad thing to do.

First of all, some kids don't have freedom at all after school because they have to do homework and do the other things they have to do. So those kids should get at least a little play time, and that comes during recess.

Second of all, kids need time to let out their energy from sitting down all the time and not moving their legs. During recess they can let out all of their energy and can stretch out their legs, and do whatever they want to do.

And last of the teachers all so need to relax and get some fresh air after teaching all morning and afternoon. Or if they need to finish doing something in class, recess is the time.

That is why keeping recess is a good idea. And if you can't make your decision, you can have the school vote. Thank you for letting me explain about my opinion.

Sincerely,

Your student

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this rather straightforward essay, the author takes a clear position. (“So banning recess is not my opinion, but it's up to you to make the decision. Here are some more reasons that getting rid of recess is a bad thing to do. ”) This author establishes and pursues his/her opinion throughout the essay in an attempt to persuade the reader. However, the author does not deeply develop the various reasons that support his/her position. Thus, the author adequately completes the assigned task

Content & Development

This essay is adequately developed. Using three body paragraphs, the author discusses the key reasons behind why recess should stay in schools but fails to support these ideas fully. (“Second of all, kids need time to let out their energy from sitting down all the time and not moving their legs. During recess they can let out all of their energy and can stretch out their legs, and do whatever they want to do.”)

Organization

This essay is adequately organized. The introduction quickly spells out the author's opinion for the reader. (“I would reconsider the thought about eliminating recess ”) The main body paragraphs are dedicated to supporting this position. While the concluding sentences do accurately sum up the author’s opinion, they are too short and lack detail. (“That is why keeping recess is a good idea. And if you can't make your decision, you can have the school vote. Thank you for letting me explain about my opinion.”)

Language Use & Style

This author’s use of language and style is simple and unpersuasive. However, this essay does have an

awareness of the intended audience, and this author has control over his/her voice. (“ And last of the teachers all so need to relax and get some fresh air after teaching all morning and afternoon. Or if they need to finish doing something in class, recess is the time. That is why keeping recess is a good idea. And if you can't make your decision, you can have the school vote. Thank you for letting me explain about my opinion. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Few major errors in grammar (“And last of the teachers all so need”), mechanics, punctuation, or spelling are present in this essay. These errors do not interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Mr. Principal,

Why would you eliminate recess? It is the only time we get a break from learning. We learn seven and a half hours a day. Why can we not have a half an hour break? We are just kids you know.

It is only a half an hour. We need fresh air. If we do not run, our energy level we will be really hyper and we would be pretty much bouncing off the wall in class. It is one of the things we look forward to through the day. Give us a break for peat sake. We are only kids and we need to run. Not only that we should have time to talk with our friends and play games with them. Can we please keep our recess, please? This is our time to be kids.

I say we keep recess and I am sure that most everyone will agree with me that we should keep recess. At least let us have recess for one day a week. Let's all sign a petition. So what do you say. I say we keep recess.

Sincerely,

Your best student

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This is a short, simple essay that sustains a consistent stand on the issue presented in the writing prompt, but it only partially communicates the author’s position to the intended audience. (“Why would you eliminate recess? It is the only time we get a break from learning. We learn seven and a half hours a day. Why can we not have a half an hour break?”) The author is ultimately unable to be persuasive precisely because his/her position is underdeveloped; thus, the author fails to entirely complete the assigned task.

Content & Development

The author states a few arguments briefly but supplies insufficient details to support them. Each reason is only a single sentence long; therefore, while the reader can surely understand the author’s point, it is unlikely that he or she would be swayed to accept it. (“It is only a half an hour. We need fresh air. If we do not run, our energy level we will be really hyper and we would be pretty much bouncing off the wall in class. It is one of the things we look forward to through the day. Give us a break for peat sake. We are only kids and we need to run. Not only that we should have time to talk with our friends and play games with them.”)

Organization

The organization of this essay is limited. The first paragraph introduces the author’s opinion but does not state a clear thesis, and the last sentences are an inadequate attempt at a conclusion. (“I say we keep recess and I am sure that most everyone will agree with me that we should keep recess. At least let us have recess for one day a week. Let's all sign a petition. So what do you say. I say we keep recess. ”) In the body of the essay, the author offers reasons to support his/her position but does not go into great detail.

Language Use & Style

This author’s ability to use language to engage the reader is adequate. The word choice is appropriate, and sentence structure is varied. This student also has a clear sense of voice and an awareness of the audience. (“It is one of the things we look forward to through the day. Give us a break for peat sake. We are only kids and we need to run. Not only that we should have time to talk with our friends and play games with them. Can we please keep our recess, please? This is our time to be kids.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

A few errors in grammar, punctuation (“So what do you say.”), a nd spelling are evident, but they do not interfere with the communication of the author’s message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

My principal is thinking about eliminating recess, I disagree with her because we need to exercise. When all us kids get older we will not have enough time to exercise also if we don't get are energy out we will not pay attention to the teacher. We would be moving around and not focusing. Next if we don't exercise are body will hurt. But if we had a longer recess we would not be as wild in the class room. So the teachers will have more time to get the stuff done that they wanted to get done. Please Mrs. Principal, do not take away recess.!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This simple essay states an argument on the issue presented in the writing prompt, but it is limited in its communication of the author’s position. (“My principal is thinking about eliminating recess, I disagree with her because we need to exercise.”) The author’s position on whether or not to eliminate recess is underdeveloped; thus, the author fails to entirely complete the assigned task.

Content & Development

The author shares three reasons why recess should be kept, but he/she supplies insufficient details to support them. Each reason is minimally developed; this student would have an adequate essay if each of the three supporting reasons was explained in a separate, detailed paragraph. (“When all us kids get older we will not have enough time to exercise also if we don't get are energy out we will not pay attention to the teacher. We would be moving around and not focusing. Next if we don't exercise are body will hurt. But if we had a longer recess we would not be as wild in the class room. So the teachers will have more time to get the stuff done that they wanted to get done.”)

Organization

The organization of this essay is limited. It consists of a single paragraph, which does not provide enough room for an adequate progression of the author's argument. The first sentence introduces the author’s opinion, and the last sentence restates it. In betwee n these two sentences, the author offers reasons to support the position but does not further explain them in body paragraphs.

Language Use & Style

The author’s ability to use language to engage the reader is limited. It is appropriate to the task and usually correct but simple and limited in its descriptive value. Still, the author properly addresses the a udience (“ Please Mrs. Principal ”).

Mechanics & Conventions

This author commits few errors in grammar (“Next if we don't exercise are body will hurt.”), punctuation, and spelling. The errors that exist do not interfere with the author’s message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I think you should not eliminate minutes from snack and lunch because that is the only time we have to talk to our friends. Sometimes we dont have alot of time. Some girls and boys in class just talk and dont pay attention to the teacher. If they talk in class girls and boys are not going to learn anything. Those are my reasons why Mr. Principal shouldn't eliminate recess.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

A controlling opinion is stated at the beginning of this essay, but the author is unable to remained focused on it or mold it into a persuasive argument. (“I think you should not eliminate minutes from snack and lunch because that is the only time we have to talk to our friends.”) In the end, this author fails to properly complete the assigned task.

Content & Development

Any support provided for the author’s opinion is unclear and shallow. (“Some girls and boys in class just talk and dont pay attention to the teacher. If they talk in class girls and boys are not going to learn anything.”) There is simply not enough information provided in this essay for the reader to reasonably accept the author’s position.

Organization

In this short essay, no organizational scheme can be implemented. Other than a single sentence, the author has made no attempt to introduce the reader to his/her position; no concluding remarks whatsoever have been supplied. The body itself is too short to express a unified structure.

Language Use & Style

While this essay is limited in its content, the language use is not wholly inappropriate. This author's word choice is short and simple, and his/her sentences are varied with some sense of audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

This author displays minimal control over the conventions and mechanics of writing. Errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation (“dont”), and spelling somewhat interfere with the communication of the message.

Favorite Book

Your pen pal writes to you and asks if you can suggest a good book to read for a report he or she has to give to the class. Before you begin to write, think about what you liked best about the book. Did it have exciting adventures? What was most memorable about the characters and the setting? Remember to write about the reasons your pen pal should choose this book to read. Do not just retell the story.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Lost Boy written by Dave Pelzer is a non-fiction book filled with dramatic times, action-packed scenes, and suspenseful moments. This book reveals the hardships endured by Dave Pelzer. Fighting abuse of his drunken mother. Pelzer writes about his experience of running from abuse and living in a foster home to escape his mother's cruel unjust measures.

The Lost Boy includes both the dramatic and emotional times of Dave Pelzer’s life. One example of such drama is when Pelzer had an option of either staying with his mother or being placed in a foster home. While in court, Pelzer chose to live in a foster home. Another example of Pelzer’s emotional life occurs whenever he finally is comfortable in a home, another tragedy would prevail. Pelzer then thrust to find another foster home. Lastly, when Pelzer attempts to locate his dad; Pelzer had found him drunk and homeless.

Throughout the book Pelzer runs into his mom in places such as stores, schools, and down the street from his foster home. In one chapter, before Pelzer is placed in a foster home, he runs away from his parent’s home. Dave decided to run to the lake where his family had taken him when he was a little boy. On the way he hears a car following him; so he thinks it is his mother's old station wagon. Pelzer is too nervous to look back. Cautiously, he turns and sees the vehicle is only a police car. This incident is suspenseful because it keeps me on the edge of my seat waiting to find out what will happen next. Lastly, when Pelzer attends a school across the street from his former school. So he decides to go over there and take a look around. When he is walking through the halls he sees his brother and his mom standing behind him. Pelzer is so scared he rushes away. His mother chases him throughout the halls and the school parking lot. Reading about Pelzer being chased throughout the school makes me nervous and has me curious if his mother catches him.

The Lost Boy is not only suspenseful and dramatic, but is action-packed, too. Although Pelzer’s story is sad and troubling, there is never a dull moment. First, Pelzer struggles through so much growing up, from abuse by his mom to surviving alone in the world. Later, Pelzer enters a foster home. The rules of the foster home are at age eighteen the kids were to move out. When Pelzer turns eighteen, he struggles for a job and a place to live in. Later on, Pelzer finds a good paying job at and antique store and a home to live in. Most people do not grow up amidst so much turmoil. His story included many action-packed moments.

In conclusion, The Lost Boy is a number one best seller; it attracts teen readers by the dramatic, suspenseful and, action-packed moments. The Lost Boy is one of the greatest books I have ever read and I believe I speak for some others as well. It is breathtaking to read about a boy, Pelzer, who goes through all those tough times. This book will make you be thankful for what a good life you may have. You may not realize it now, but once you read this book then you will.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the writer maintains a very effective focus and meaning, providing a number of reasons to read this particular book . The author establishes and maintains an insightful position and writes convincingly to persuade his/her pen pal to read this book, as demonstrated by the following: “ The Lost Boy written by Dave Pelzer is a non-fiction book filled with dramatic times, action-packed scenes, and suspenseful moments .”

Content & Development

The content throughout this essay is very effective and well developed. The writer effectively develops strong and insightful arguments by addressing the reader’s concerns and includes a number of specific, accurate, and relevant details and examples to support his/her opinion regarding why his/her pen pal should read this book. (“ The Lost Boy includes both the dramatic and emotional times of Dave Pelzer’s life. One example of such drama is when Pelzer had an option of either staying with his mother or being placed in a foster home. While in court, Pelzer chose to live in a foster home. Another example of Pelzer’s emotional life occurs whenever he finally is comfortable in a home, another tragedy would prevail. Pelzer then thrust to find another foster home. ”)

Organization

The author of this essay demonstrates very effective organization in his/her writing. This essay is well organized with a cohesive and unified structure consisting of three well-developed body paragraphs, an engaging introduction, and a strong conclusion. ( In conclusion, The Lost Boy is a number one best seller; it attracts teen readers by the dramatic, suspenseful and, action-packed moments. The Lost Boy is one of the greatest books I have ever read and I believe I speak for some others as well. It is breathtaking to read about a boy, Pelzer, who goes through all those tough times. This book will make you be thankful for what a good life you may have. You may not realize it now, but once you read this book then you will.) Lastly, although some transitional devices are used, this writer should consider using more effective transitions to further strengthen the organization.

Language Use & Style

The writer of this essay effectively demonstrates sophisticated language use and style in his/her writing. Readers of this essay will find precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. Sentences are also well structured and varied, as demonstrated by the following: (“ This book reveals the hardships endured by Dave Pelzer. … Pelzer writes about his experience of running from abuse and living in a foster home to escape his mother's cruel unjust measures. ”) In order to make this essay even better, the writer should use clear and exact words.

Mechanics & Conventions

Very effective control of conventions and mechanics is demonstrated in this essay, with only few er rors in grammar, mechanics, and punctuation. (“It is breathtaking to read about a boy, Pelzer, who goes through all those tough times.”) This writer should work on totally eliminating errors in punctuation, grammar, and mechanics in his/her writing.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Pen Pal,

I just got your letter and I’ve got a great book for you called The Kingdom Keepers. You have to read this book! This book is available at almost any bookstore or library. You might even be able to get it for a lower price on eBay. There are three reasons why you have to read The Kingdom Keepers: because of all the action and excitement, how much it teaches you, and its kind of scary on some parts.

First of all, the entire book contains a lot of adventures and action. It's always one awesome adventure after another. Since the author puts so many actions in the book you always want to read on and see what happens next. This book will give you a lot of interesting things to talk about in your presentation. If you read this book I guaranty you’ll get an A+. Plus, it’s awesome that the author uses so many descriptive sentences to make you feel as if your actually there.

Secondly, reading this book will help you become a better writer. The book will help you a lot with descriptive sentences. This book could teach you how to keep the reader hooked and make them want to read more. Also, The Kingdom Keepers can help a lot with spelling. Plus, the author makes you feel like your actually their with all of the wonderful words that describe the characters and places.

Finally, this book may get a little scary on some parts, but the author keeps you really hooked on the book. You can get nightmars on the really scary parts, so I recommend that you read more in the morning or afternoon so this will prevent the nightmares and trust me, its worth it!

Therefore you must read The Kingdom Keepers! If you read this book there will be loads of action, it will teach you a lot, and its kind of scary, but really worth it! Look in your mailbox tomorrow and you just might find a surprise!

Sincerely your Pen Pal,

Madison

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the writer maintains a good focus and meaning. The author e stablishes and maintains a clear position to persuade his/her pen pal to read this book, as the writer states: “ There are three reasons why you have to read The Kingdom Keepers: because of all the action and excitement, how much it teaches you, and its kind of scary on some parts. ” Lastly, a general understanding of the purpose and audience is also apparent. In this essay, the writer completes most parts of the task.

Content & Development

This essay displays good content and development throughout. Arguments are d eveloped using sufficient specific, accurate, and relevant reasons and details to support the writer’s opinion as to why this book should be chosen for a book report. However, this writer may want to address the reader’s concerns, as well as list more details to support the reasons provided. (“ Secondly, reading this book will help you become a better writer. The book will help you a lot with descriptive sentences. This book could teach you how to keep the reader hooked and make them want to read more. Also, The Kingdom Keepers can help a lot with spelling. ”)

Organization

This essay establishes good organization throughout with evidence of transitional devices used, as demonstrated by the following: “ First of all, the entire book contains a lot of adventures and action. ” In addition, there is a mostly unified, five-paragraph structure with three main points set forth in the introduction that are explained in the three body paragraphs. (“ There are three reasons why you have to read The Kingdom Keepers: because of all the action and excitement, how much it teaches you, and its kind of scary on some parts.” ) However, there are still improvements that can be made in the organization of the essay in order to give it a more detailed introduction and conclusion and a strong body to maintain flow.

Language Use & Style

The author of this essay demonstrates good use of language and style throughout his/her writing. Language and word choice are appropriate, with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; sentences are well structured with some variety. (“Since the author puts so many actions in the book you always want to read on and see what happens next. This book will give you a lot of interesting things to talk about in your presentation. ”) In order to make this writer’s essay even stronger, he/she should remember to use words that are clear, exact, and powerful and use varied sentences.

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of conventions and mechanics is shown in this essay. There are a f ew errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, but they do not interfere with the author’s message. (“ If you read this book I guaranty you'll get an A+.”) This writer should work on eliminating errors in spelling, punctuation, grammar, and mechanics in his/her writing.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The first book I would say would be ‘The Adventures of George Washington.’ The book is based on the true adventures of our first president. The book has exciting adventures and interesting facts about George Washington and Martha Washington. It even has a map that shows Washington ’s path. The book shows a gun to represent where Washington was almost shot by an Indian who was leading them away from Virginia .

Washington was very brave during the book. He lead armies to the French territories (very bravely). The French would not move out though. He was not afraid to face them. He was also very brave when the Indian almost shot him (and another man). Washington lead armies heroically.

The book tells how heroic, brave, and intelligent he is. His courage is what made him colonel and our first president. It also tells how his men acted so heroically during the battles in the wins and the fails. The book tells no lies; just the events that happened. The book also has information on his wife, Martha Washington, too.

In conclusion, I would say this book (The Adventures of George Washington) because it has many adventures of our first president. It has interesting information on him and his wife. You can follow the map in the book. It has a symbol (for example the gun that shows when Washington was almost shot) to show what happened. It shows how brave were Washington, his wife (Martha Washington), and his men. To respect George Washington they made a chapter of his death; the name of the chapter is ‘good-bye.’

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates an adequate focus and meaning. The writer states his/her opinion and provides several reasons why his/her pen pal should read the book on George Washington. The writer establishes a basic idea of the selected book; however, the writer should state his/her opinion more clearly, as demonstrated by the following: “ In conclusion, I would say this book (The Adventures of George Washington) because it has many adventures of our first president.” A basic understanding of the purpose and audience is also seen in this essay, but could be stronger. Overall, this essay completes many parts of the task.

Content & Development

Adequate content and development are seen in this essay. Arguments are d eveloped using some specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s intent to persuade his/her pen pal to read this book. However, it would benefit this writer to include more reasons for his/her opinion and more details to support these reasons. (“ Washington was very brave during the book. He lead armies to the French territories (very bravely). The French would not move out though. He was not afraid to face them. He was also very brave when the Indian almost shot him (and another man).”)

Organization

This essay is organized adequately throughout. A generally unified four-paragraph structure is apparent, although a more basic and less focused introduction and conclusion are seen. (“The first book I would say would be ‘The Adventures of George Washington.’ The book is based on the true adventures of our first president. The book has exciting adventures and interesting facts about George Washington and Martha Washington. It even has a map that shows Washington’s path. The book shows a gun to represent where Washington was almost shot by an Indian who was leading them away from Virginia.”) In addition, the writer uses some transitional devices between sentences and ideas. The writer of this essay can still, however, make improvements to give this essay a good introduction, a strong body, and a well-written conclusion.

Language Use & Style

An adequate use of language and style is seen in this essay, which demonstrates appropriate language and word choice and an awareness of audience and control of voice. Correct sentence structure is seen as well, although sentences occasionally sound choppy with less variety. (“Washington was very brave during the book. He lead armies to the French territories (very bravely). The French would not move out though. He was not afraid to face them.”) In order to improve the language use and style in his/her writing, this writer should remember to use words effectively and use well-structured and varied sentences.

Mechanics & Conventions

There is adequate control of mechanics and conventions within this essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the author’s message, as seen here: “Washington lead armies heroically.” This writer should work on eliminating errors in spelling, punctuation, grammar, and mechanics in his/her writing.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Chris,

A good book I suggest is The Outsiders. It’s about a troubled teenager named Ponyboy Curtis. Both of his parents died in a car accident and now all he has is his two older brothers Sodapop and Darrell. The setting takes place in a poor neighbor hood so small that everybody knows each other. The most memorable thing about the book was when Ponyboy saved a group of children from the fire and the fight at the end of the book.

The reason you should chose this book is because this book will not bore you. This book also teaches you a lesson about a brother hood and trust. This book is also covered with action and mischief. This book is great it’s funny, sad, action packed, and a tension builder. when I read the very the first page got hooked to the book.

That is the book I recommend. If you do read it I hope you ennjoy it

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates a limited focus and meaning. The writer states his/her opinion by mentioning the book that he/she suggests in the introduction, yet the focus is unclear and underdeveloped. However, this writer states his/her opinion more clearly than what is seen in the lower-scoring essays, as the writer provides actual reasons why this book would be a good choice for a book report. (“ A good book I suggest is The Outsiders. It’s about a troubled teenager named Ponyboy Curtis. Both of his parents died in a car accident and now all he has is his two older brothers Sodapop and Darrell. The setting takes place in a poor neighbor hood so small that everybody knows each other. The most memorable thing about the book was when Ponyboy saved a group of children from the fire and the fight at the end of the book .”) Therefore, this essay’s purpose and audience is closely understood, yet improvements can certainly be made in this area. Overall, the essay completes only some parts of the task.

Content & Development

The author demonstrates limited content and development in this essay. Although this writer includes reasons to support his/her opinion, arguments are developed briefly and inconsistently in only one full body paragraph. Supporting details are also scattered and underdeveloped. (“The reason you should chose this book is because this book will not bore you. This book also teaches you a lesson about a brother hood and trust. This book is also covered with action and mischief. This book is great it’s funny, sad, action packed, and a tension builder. ”) This writer should include more reasons to support his/her opinion and more details to support those reasons.

Organization

Throughout this essay, the limited organization is apparent to the reader, as the essay only consists of two complete paragraphs and a brief, two-sentence conclusion that reads: “ That is the book I recommend. If you do read it I hope you ennjoy it.” Although this essay is developed with an introduction, body, and conclusion, these paragraphs can be made stronger. The introduction fails to provide an overview of the student’s essay and, instead, provides a summary of the recommended book. Also, the supporting details in the body paragraph do not refer back to the topic sentence. In addition, the writer fails to use transitional devices consistently; the only one seen is “also.” (“ The reason you should chose this book is because this book will not bore you. This book also teaches you a lesson about a brother hood and trust. This book is also covered with action and mischief. This book is great it’s funny, sad, action packed, and a tension builder. when I read the very the first page got hooked to the book. ”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates a limited use of language and style. The writer uses simple language, shows a lack of variety in word choice, relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety, and establishes only some awareness of audience and control of voice. (“The reason you should chose this book is because this book will not bore you. This book also teaches you a lesson about a brother hood and trust. This book is also covered with action and mischief. ”) In order to improve the language use and style in his/her writing, this writer should use words more effectively and use well-structured and varied sentences.

Mechanics & Conventions

There is limited control of mechanics and conventions in this essay. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the author’s message. (“ This book is great it’s funny, sad, action packed, and a tension builder. when I read the very the first page got hooked to the book.”) This writer should work on eliminating errors in spelling, punctuation, grammar, and mechanics in his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Hi I am going to tell you about my favorite book and it is Harry Potter and the Chamber of secrets. The reason I like this book because I like when Harry kept burning the two faced freak. And my other favorite part is when Dudley falls through the snake pit and then the glass comes back. And I like when Hag rid makes a little pig tail pop out from Dudley bottom. I also like when Harry had to get his wand and when he got the wrong wand avery thing ales fell off the shelves.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates minimal focus and meaning, as the writer is merely telling the pen pal about his/her favorite book rather than persuading the pen pal to read it. The writer’s opinion is stated and developed, but the writer’s opinion regarding the reasons why the pen pal should read this book can be stated more clearly. Therefore, the writer’s understanding of the purpose and audience is also limited. (“ Hi I am going to tell you about my favorite book and it is Harry Potter and the Chamber of secrets. The reason I like this book because I like when Harry kept burning the two faced freak.”)

Content & Development

The writer of this essay demonstrates minimal content and development. Arguments are incompletely developed, and there are few reasons provided in support of the writer’s opinion, as illustrated by the following: “Hi I am going to tell you about my favorite book and it is Harry Potter and the Chamber of secrets. The reason I like this book because I like when Harry kept burning the two faced freak. And my other favorite part is when Dudley falls through the snake pit and then the glass comes back. And I like when Hag rid makes a little pig tail pop out from Dudley bottom. I also like when Harry had to get his wand and when he got the wrong wand avery thing ales fell off the shelves.” However, this writer can certainly improve by including more reasons to support his/her opinion, as well as more details.

Organization

In this essay, the main idea is minimally developed. The writer shows little evidence of structure with only one unfocused paragraph and no clear introduction and conclusion. Transitional devices are rarely used; the only one seen is the use of “also” in the last sentence. (“ Hi I am going to tell you about my favorite book and it is Harry Potter and the Chamber of secrets. The reason I like this book because I like when Harry kept burning the two faced freak. And my other favorite part is when Dudley falls through the snake pit and then the glass comes back. And I like when Hag rid makes a little pig tail pop out from Dudley bottom. I also like when Harry had to get his wand and when he got the wrong wand avery thing ales fell off the shelves.”) The writer should give his/her essay a good introduction, a strong body, and a well-written conclusion in order to improve the organization.

Language Use & Style

There is minimal use of language and style in this essay. The author demonstrates generally simple and poor language, a lack of variety in word choice, and little awareness of audience. In addition, basic errors in sentence structure and usage are made. (“ Hi I am going to tell you about my favorite book and it is Harry Potter and the Chamber of secrets. The reason I like this book because I like when Harry kept burning the two faced freak. And my other favorite part is when Dudley falls through the snake pit and then the glass comes back. And I like when Hag rid makes a little pig tail pop out from Dudley bottom. I also like when Harry had to get his wand and when he got the wrong wand avery thing ales fell off the shelves.”) In order to help improve the language use and style of his/her writing, this writer should use descriptive and persuasive words effectively and use well-structured and varied sentences.

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I have an answer to your book report problem. You should read Joey Pigza Loses Control by Jack Gantos. It is an awsome book. The magority of my class picked it. Some parts are boring but every time there is a part that is boring something exsiting is going to happe

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates an inadequate focus and meaning. The writer informs his/her pen pal of a book to choose for the report, but fails to state his/her opinion clearly. (“ I have an answer to your book report problem. You should read Joey Pigza Loses Control by Jack Gantos. It is an awsome book. The magority of my class picked it. Some parts are boring but every time there is a part that is boring something exsiting is going to happ e.”) The writer’s understanding of the purpose and audience is also weak, so a recommendation would be to develop a stronger awareness of the purpose and audience of this essay. Overall, this writer completes very few parts of the required task.

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development throughout this essay. Very little attempt is made to include reasons to support the writer’s opinion and to include details to support the reasons . This essay is merely just one paragraph with three complete sentences and a fourth unfinished sentence. (“ I have an answer to your book report problem. You should read Joey Pigza Loses Control by Jack Gantos. It is an awsome book. The magority of my class picked it. Some parts are boring but every time there is a part that is boring something exsiting is going to happe. ”)

Organization

This essay is organized inadequately; the main idea is not developed. There is also no evidence of structure, with only one paragraph and no evidence of transitional devices used. (“ I have an answer to your book report problem. You should read Joey Pigza Loses Control by Jack Gantos. It is an awsome book. The magority of my class picked it. Some parts are boring but every time there is a part that is boring something exsiting is going to happe. ”) In order to work on organizing the ideas in this essay, the writer needs to give his/her essay a strong body and a good introduction and conclusion.

Language Use & Style

The writer of this essay demonstrates poor language use and style. Language and word choice are simple, there is no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage are obvious to the reader. (“I have an answer to your book report problem. You should read Joey Pigza Loses Control by Jack Gantos. It is an awsome book. The magority of my class picked it. Some parts are boring but every time there is a part that is boring something exsiting is going to happe.”) In order to improve the language use and style in this essay, this writer should choose his/her words carefully and use well-structured sentences.

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates an inadequate control of conventions and mechanics. Severe errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the author’s message. (“ It is an awsome book. The magority of my class picked it. Some parts are boring but every time there is a part that is boring something exsiting is going to happe.”) This writer should work on eliminating errors in spelling, punctuation, grammar, and mechanics in his/her writing.

Favorite Part of the Holiday Season

Each year, the fall brings with it the return to school, the changing color of the leaves, and the onset of the holiday season. We look forward to celebrating Halloween and Thanksgiving, and Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa. What is, to you, the best part of the holiday season? Is it the excitement in opening gifts, eating delectable food, or experiencing family traditions?

In a detailed essay, persuade your reader to believe your favorite part of the holiday season is the best. Provide examples of your personal experiences during the holidays to support your argument.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The month of December rolls around and one can feel the excitement begin to rise. Lights, trees, and Santa Claus imposters begin to pop up everywhere. All around the town green and white, blue and yellow shine brightly from different houses. Families are reuniting from the months apart; gifts are being given to show the love for each other, food is being eaten all around even feasts in some homes. As one can see December is without a doubt the best time of the year. The best part of these holidays though is without a doubt the amazing, delicious, delectable, scrumptious food. The delectable pieces of chocolate that melt in ones mouth, the turkey with gravy that seems too good to be true, and the most magnificent dessert ever created, the one, the only apple pie.

As the first piece of dark chocolate melts into ones mouth they realize that this dessert is almost unsurpassable. With each bite the sugar rushes in ones mouth, the chocolate forcing taste buds to dance and jump with joy. White, dark, milk chocolates in the store what to buy it is almost impossible for one to decide. White with its rich, sweet savor decorated in the shapes of snowflakes and stockings. Milk chocolate, sugary and mouth-watering, formed into Christmas trees and Santa Claus'. Finally, the conventional dark chocolate, which is surpassed by none other, formed into shapes of crosses and Hanukkah menorahs. Each individual chocolate brings its own unique flavor into each year of Christmas and makes it all the more enjoyable.

Then comes the turkey and gravy dinner bringing each separated family and turning them into one whole unit. Together they prepare the turkey placing it into the oven in thinly cut slices ready for the timer to ring letting them know the turkey is ready to be wolfed down by the entire family. DING!! The turkey is ready and one's family places it upon the middle of the table staring at it with pride of what they have accomplished together. After a short time it is time for the turkey to be finished off. The family puts the gravy with the scent only fit for a king onto the turkey and begins their feast. The turkey never had a chance, with each morsel of turkey slowly being put into ones mouth and gravy flowing down one's throat. The turkey is finally finished by the family, and they realize that they finished it as one and each family leaves going their separate ways.

The apple pie is the final stage to a magnificent feast with one's family. Filled with apples and covered by delicious crust the apple pie is the center of the dessert table. Within seconds it is gone and none is left for fellow family members. The warmth of the pie with a little ice cream on top gives a delectable taste which can be matched by no other. After the delicious pie is scoffed down in little less than a minute then it is time to say good bye to family and friends. The apple pie is just another wonderful part to a wonderful day and a wonderful way to say goodbye.

December is the best holiday month of the year. There's Hanukkah, Kwanza , and even Christmas. All of these involve the family and show how much family means to each of us. The thing that brings family together though is without a doubt the wonderful food that is served at the superb dinner table. Without this meal December holidays would not feel complete.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning . It establishes and maintains an insightful opinion to effectively persuade readers. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, completes all parts of the task, and may go beyond the limits of the task.

After the writer grabs the readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinionative statement. (“The month of December rolls around and one can feel the excitement begin to rise. Lights, trees, and Santa Claus imposters begin to pop up everywhere. All around the town green and white, blue and yellow shine brightly from different houses. Families are reuniting from the months apart; gifts are being given to show the love for each other, food is being eaten all around even feasts in some homes. As one can see December is without a doubt the best time of the year. The best part of these holidays though is without a doubt the amazing, delicious, delectable, scrumptious food. The delectable pieces of chocolate that melt in ones mouth, the turkey with gravy that seems too good to be true, and the most magnificent dessert ever created, the one, the only apple pie.”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“The apple pie is the final stage to a magnificent feast with one's family. Filled with apples and covered by delicious crust the apple pie is the center of the dessert table. Within seconds it is gone and none is left for fellow family members. The warmth of the pie with a little ice cream on top gives a delectable taste which can be matched by no other. After the delicious pie is scoffed down in little less than a minute then it is time to say good bye to family and friends. The apple pie is just another wonderful part to a wonderful day and a wonderful way to say goodbye.”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; the writer does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“As the first piece of dark chocolate melts into ones mouth they realize that this dessert is almost unsurpassable. With each bite the sugar rushes in ones mouth, the chocolate forcing taste buds to dance and jump with joy.”)

The writer’s thesis creatively states what he/she believes about the issue. (“The delectable pieces of chocolate that melt in ones mouth, the turkey with gravy that seems too good to be true, and the most magnificent dessert ever created, the one, the only apple pie.”)

Content & Development

This essay is characterized by very effective content and development. Arguments are effectively developed u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant detail to support the writer’s position.

The writer effectively includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that illustrate his/her opinion. (“As the first piece of dark chocolate melts into ones mouth they realize that this dessert is almost unsurpassable. With each bite the sugar rushes in ones mouth, the chocolate forcing taste buds to dance and jump with joy. White, dark, milk chocolates in the store what to buy it is almost impossible for one to decide. White with its rich, sweet savor decorated in the shapes of snowflakes and stockings. Milk chocolate, sugary and mouth-watering, formed into Christmas trees and Santa Claus'. Finally, the conventional dark chocolate, which is surpassed by none other, formed into shapes of crosses and Hanukkah menorahs. Each individual chocolate brings its own unique flavor into each year of Christmas and makes it all the more enjoyable.”)

The writer’s details are convincing. (“The apple pie is the final stage to a magnificent feast with one's family. Filled with apples and covered by delicious crust the apple pie is the center of the dessert table. Within seconds it is gone and none is left for fellow family members. The warmth of the pie with a little ice cream on top gives a delectable taste which can be matched by no other. After the delicious pie is scoffed down in little less than a minute then it is time to say good bye to family and friends. The apple pie is just another wonderful part to a wonderful day and a wonderful way to say goodbye.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (“The apple pie is the final stage to a magnificent feast with one's family. Filled with apples and covered by delicious crust the apple pie is the center of the dessert table. Within seconds it is gone and none is left for fellow family members. The warmth of the pie with a little ice cream on top gives a delectable taste which can be matched by no other. After the delicious pie is scoffed down in little less than a minute then it is time to say good bye to family and friends. The apple pie is just another wonderful part to a wonderful day and a wonderful way to say goodbye.”)

Organization

Very effective organization is evident in the essay. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. Effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices is also evident throughout.

The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. (“The month of December rolls around and one can feel the excitement begin to rise. Lights, trees, and Santa Claus imposters begin to pop up everywhere. All around the town green and white, blue and yellow shine brightly from different houses. Families are reuniting from the months apart; gifts are being given to show the love for each other, food is being eaten all around even feasts in some homes. As one can see December is without a doubt the best time of the year. The best part of these holidays though is without a doubt the amazing, delicious, delectable, scrumptious food. The delectable pieces of chocolate that melt in ones mouth, the turkey with gravy that seems too good to be true, and the most magnificent dessert ever created, the one, the only apple pie.”)

The writer effectively uses clever ways to lead his/her readers from one idea or event to the next. (“As the first piece of dark chocolate melts into ones mouth they realize that this dessert is almost unsurpassable. …Then comes the turkey and gravy dinner bringing each separated family and turning them into one whole unit.”)

The writer’s conclusion effectively wraps up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about or something to do. (“December is the best holiday month of the year. There's Hanukkah, Kwanza , and even Christmas. All of these involve the family and show how much family means to each of us. The thing that brings family together though is without a doubt the wonderful food that is served at the superb dinner table. Without this meal December holidays would not feel complete.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay conveys very effective use of language and style. The writing demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. Well-structured and varied sentences are also used.

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“As the first piece of dark chocolate melts into ones mouth they realize that this dessert is almost unsurpassable. With each bite the sugar rushes in ones mouth, the chocolate forcing taste buds to dance and jump with joy. White, dark, milk chocolates in the store what to buy it is almost impossible for one to decide. White with its rich, sweet savor decorated in the shapes of snowflakes and stockings. Milk chocolate, sugary and mouth-watering, formed into Christmas trees and Santa Claus'. Finally, the conventional dark chocolate, which is surpassed by none other, formed into shapes of crosses and Hanukkah menorahs. Each individual chocolate brings its own unique flavor into each year of Christmas and makes it all the more enjoyable.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“Families are reuniting from the months apart; gifts are being given to show the love for each other, food is being eaten all around even feasts in some homes. …DING!! The turkey is ready and one's family places it upon the middle of the table staring at it with pride of what they have accomplished together.”)

The following compound sentence is used effectively: “ The turkey is finally finished by the family, and they realize that they finished it as one and each family leaves going their separate ways.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“December is the best holiday month of the year. There's Hanukkah, Kwanza , and even Christmas. All of these involve the family and show how much family means to each of us.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

My favorite part about holidays is meeting my relatives. There are a few reasons why I like meeting my relatives during the holidays. First, when I see my relatives I get to eat delicious food. Second, my relatives bring me wonderful presents. Lastly, I get to play with relatives.

Meeting my relatives is the best thing about holidays because I get to eat delicious food. Delicious food always leads to extreme happiness. If I eat a lot of the delicious food, my stomach usually digests more easily, so I do not get any stomach aches. The more I eat, the more energy I have. I always have a good time playing when my family holds a holiday party. I remember that one day that my family had the turkey for Thanksgiving. I can still taste its wonderful taste. I had a great time that day as well. The more delicious food I eat, the more I will be happy.

Not only do I get to eat good food but meeting my relatives is the best thing about holidays because I get wonderful presents. When I get wonderful gifts, I have more toys to play with than the old boring ones I already have. My mom also does not have to spend money on my toys for a long time. With the new toys, I would not have to borrow toys from my relatives. If I keep borrowing my relatives' toys, they would most likely get very annoyed. Last year, on Christmas I got a big red Nerf gun. It had intense power in the bullets and it was very cool. It was the coolest Nerf gun I ever saw before.

Finally, meeting my relatives is the best thing about holidays because I get to play with my younger/older relatives. I a lot of fun playing video games and watching television with my relatives. I have the whole day to play with my relatives, because there is usually no school during holidays. I also get to know the relative more. I remember the great time I had during the Fourth of July with my grandma. It was a very wonderful experience. We went to the Huntington Library, Aquarium of the Pacific in Long Beach , Disneyland, and Las Vegas . I am looking forward to another day like this.

Some people think that meeting your relatives in the holidays is a bad thing, however meeting my relatives is the best thing about the holidays. I might get in a fight with my cousin or younger cousins might break my toys. Even though these events may happen, I still think that meeting my relatives is the best thing about holidays.

These reasons explain why meeting relatives during holidays is the best. Meeting my relatives is truly the best thing about holidays. I hope that people can agree with me and start meeting their relatives during the holidays.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are apparent in this essay. The writer establishes and maintains a clear opinion to persuade readers. Additionally, the writer d emonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience and completes most parts of the task.

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Not only do I get to eat good food but meeting my relatives is the best thing about holidays because I get wonderful presents. When I get wonderful gifts, I have more toys to play with than the old boring ones I already have. My mom also does not have to spend money on my toys for a long time. With the new toys, I would not have to borrow toys from my relatives. If I keep borrowing my relatives' toys, they would most likely get very annoyed. Last year, on Christmas I got a big red Nerf gun. It had intense power in the bullets and it was very cool. It was the coolest Nerf gun I ever saw before.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“There are a few reasons why I like meeting my relatives during the holidays. First, when I see my relatives I get to eat delicious food. Second, my relatives bring me wonderful presents. Lastly, I get to play with relatives.”)

The writer mostly uses words that are appropriate for the audience; he/she does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“Meeting my relatives is the best thing about holidays because I get to eat delicious food. Delicious food always leads to extreme happiness. If I eat a lot of the delicious food, my stomach usually digests more easily, so I do not get any stomach aches. The more I eat, the more energy I have. I always have a good time playing when my family holds a holiday party. I remember that one day that my family had the turkey for Thanksgiving. I can still taste its wonderful taste. I had a great time that day as well. The more delicious food I eat, the more I will be happy.”)

Content & Development

The essay consists of good content and development. Arguments are developed fully using sufficient specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. The essay also clearly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Some people think that meeting your relatives in the holidays is a bad thing, however meeting my relatives is the best thing about the holidays. I might get in a fight with my cousin or younger cousins might break my toys. Even though these events may happen, I still think that meeting my relatives is the best thing about holidays.”)

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that illustrate his/her opinion. (“I remember the great time I had during the Fourth of July with my grandma. It was a very wonderful experience. We went to the Huntington Library, Aquarium of the Pacific in Long Beach , Disneyland, and Las Vegas . I am looking forward to another day like this.”)

The writer’s details are convincing. (“Not only do I get to eat good food but meeting my relatives is the best thing about holidays because I get wonderful presents. When I get wonderful gifts, I have more toys to play with than the old boring ones I already have. My mom also does not have to spend money on my toys for a long time. With the new toys, I would not have to borrow toys from my relatives. If I keep borrowing my relatives' toys, they would most likely get very annoyed. Last year, on Christmas I got a big red Nerf gun. It had intense power in the bullets and it was very cool. It was the coolest Nerf gun I ever saw before.”)

Organization

Good organization is seen in this essay. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, as well as consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Not only do I get to eat good food but meeting my relatives is the best thing about holidays because I get wonderful presents. … Finally, meeting my relatives is the best thing about holidays because I get to play with my younger/older relatives.”)

Details in each paragraph relate to the paragraph’s topic sentence. (“Meeting my relatives is the best thing about holidays because I get to eat delicious food. Delicious food always leads to extreme happiness. If I eat a lot of the delicious food, my stomach usually digests more easily, so I do not get any stomach aches. The more I eat, the more energy I have. I always have a good time playing when my family holds a holiday party. I remember that one day that my family had the turkey for Thanksgiving. I can still taste its wonderful taste. I had a great time that day as well. The more delicious food I eat, the more I will be happy.”)

The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about or something to do. (“These reasons explain why meeting relatives during holidays is the best. Meeting my relatives is truly the best thing about holidays. I hope that people can agree with me and start meeting their relatives during the holidays.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay shows evidence of good language use and style. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. Well-structured sentences with some variety are also used.

The writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“I remember the great time I had during the Fourth of July with my grandma. It was a very wonderful experience. We went to the Huntington Library, Aquarium of the Pacific in Long Beach , Disneyland, and Las Vegas . I am looking forward to another day like this.”)

The writer combines short sentences using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. (“If I eat a lot of the delicious food, my stomach usually digests more easily, so I do not get any stomach aches.”)

The following complex sentence is used well: “Even though these events may happen, I still think that meeting my relatives is the best thing about holidays.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay shows good control of the use of mechanics and conventions of formal writing. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, most or all sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“Some people think that meeting your relatives in the holidays is a bad thing, however meeting my relatives is the best thing about the holidays. I might get in a fight with my cousin or younger cousins might break my toys. Even though these events may happen, I still think that meeting my relatives is the best thing about holidays.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

My favorite part of the holiday season is spending time with my family. I like to do this because we get to do some really fun things. One of the things I really like to do is visit family members and have dinner . I like going to my grandma's and grandpa's house and having family parties too! when we do that I like to play and talk to my cousins.

And the when it is time to go we ask our moms if we can have a sleepover. Sometimes we have one at our grandma's house. And I like it when our cousins that are married,live faraway,or just don't have time for anything come and visit everybody during the holidays! And it helps because then my little brothers don't have to ask who one of our cousins are when they come to visit!

Another thing I like about the holiday season is the food. My grandma's and aunts and my uncles cook really good things! One of my favorites is my grandma's creamed peas. I also like my aunts walnut carmel . Mmmmmmmmmmmmm! My favorite. My grandpa always buys pop for drinks! My favorite kinds are grape, pineapple,root beer, and there is another one but I forgot what it is called.

I also like it when we all get together and play board games. My grandma and grandpa lots of fun games like "Trouble,"Sorry, and some other ones.Both of my grandma's have a huge closet filled with games! But sometimes it gets cold in them . We also like to play ''Hide-and -go seek. Everyone loves that game. We like to hide in the weirdest places. We also like playing it in the dark because it gets scary and it makes it harder for the people to see you. Then when find everyone they get to choose who goes next. That is what I like about the holiday season.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay has adequate focus and meaning. It establishes an opinion , adequately attempts to persuade readers, demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes many parts of the task.

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“ And the when it is time to go we ask our moms if we can have a sleepover. Sometimes we have one at our grandma's house. And I like it when our cousins that are married,live faraway,or just don't have time for anything come and visit everybody during the holidays! And it helps because then my little brothers don't have to ask who one of our cousins are when they come to visit!”)

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“ My favorite part of the holiday season is spending time with my family.”)

The writer mostly uses words that are appropriate for the audience; he/she rarely or does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“ My favorite part of the holiday season is spending time with my family. I like to do this because we get to do some really fun things. One of the things I really like to do is visit family members and have dinner . I like going to my grandma's and grandpa's house and having family parties too! when we do that I like to play and talk to my cousins.”)

Content & Development

Adequate content and development are found in this persuasive essay. It develops arguments using some specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position.

The writer includes some facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that illustrate his/her opinion. (“ I also like it when we all get together and play board games. My grandma and grandpa lots of fun games like ‘Trouble,’Sorry, and some other ones.Both of my grandma's have a huge closet filled with games! But sometimes it gets cold in them . We also like to play ‘Hide-and -go seek. Everyone loves that game. We like to hide in the weirdest places. We also like playing it in the dark because it gets scary and it makes it harder for the people to see you. Then when find everyone they get to choose who goes next. That is what I like about the holiday season.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“ And the when it is time to go we ask our moms if we can have a sleepover. Sometimes we have one at our grandma's house. And I like it when our cousins that are married,live faraway,or just don't have time for anything come and visit everybody during the holidays! And it helps because then my little brothers don't have to ask who one of our cousins are when they come to visit!”)

Most details are clear, correct, and specific. (“ I also like it when we all get together and play board games. My grandma and grandpa lots of fun games like ‘Trouble,’Sorry, and some other ones.Both of my grandma's have a huge closet filled with games! But sometimes it gets cold in them . We also like to play ‘Hide-and -go seek. Everyone loves that game. We like to hide in the weirdest places. We also like playing it in the dark because it gets scary and it makes it harder for the people to see you. Then when find everyone they get to choose who goes next. That is what I like about the holiday season.”)

Organization

Adequate organization is apparent in this essay. It demonstrates a generally unified structure, a noticeable introduction and conclusion, and inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The writer’s introduction gives background information to help readers understand the issue. (“ My favorite part of the holiday season is spending time with my family. I like to do this because we get to do some really fun things. One of the things I really like to do is visit family members and have dinner . I like going to my grandma's and grandpa's house and having family parties too! when we do that I like to play and talk to my cousins.”)

The writer includes some transitions between paragraphs and between sentences. (“ Another thing I like about the holiday season is the food. …I also like it when we all get together and play board games.”)

Details in each paragraph relate to the paragraph’s topic sentence. (“ Another thing I like about the holiday season is the food. My grandma's and aunts and my uncles cook really good things! One of my favorites is my grandma's creamed peas. I also like my aunts walnut carmel . Mmmmmmmmmmmmm! My favorite. My grandpa always buys pop for drinks! My favorite kinds are grape, pineapple,root beer, and there is another one but I forgot what it is called.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in this essay is adequate. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. Correct sentence structure with some variety is also generally used.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ We also like playing it in the dark because it gets scary and it makes it harder for the people to see you! Then when find everyone they get to choose who goes next. That is what I like about the holiday season.”)

The writer sometimes uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“ I like going to my grandma's and grandpa's house and having family parties too!”)

Word choices are sometimes poor; for example, many sentences begin with “we.” (“ We also like to play ‘Hide-and -go seek. …We like to hide in the weirdest places. We also like playing it in the dark because it gets scary and it makes it harder for the people to see you.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Adequate control of mechanics and conventions is exhibited in this essay. Some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ We also like playing it in the dark because it gets scary and it makes it harder for the people to see you. Then when find everyone they get to choose who goes next. That is what I like about the holiday season.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

My favorite part of the holiday season is Christmas. I like Christmas because we get out a school for like two weeks. That means that there would be no home work and that's a good thing. Then I can go and be with my friends and we can go hang out. That mean I can sleep in on all a those day I don't have school.

The a there thing I like about christmas is presents. That day when you get to open the presents is the best day. When I open my presents I open them very fast. To see what is in side a the presents. Then after I have opened all a my presents I like to go play with them all and have fun playing with the ones I like. When it comes to cleaning up the house it is not fun to do it by your self.

The next thing i like about Christmas is the cooking that my mom dose. I love the cookies my mom makes the neighbors but I all was eat some a there cookies for them. Then she makes some for us and me and me and my dad site and eat them all faster then she can make them. That all ways makes her mad and fast then we are gone. In a hour we come back and eat the rest a them and then its all good.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

L imited focus and meaning are apparent to the readers of this essay. It states an opinion, but it may be unclear or underdeveloped. The writer demonstrates limited understanding of the purpose and audience and completes only some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of purpose and audience. (“My favorite part of the holiday season is Christmas. I like Christmas because we get out a school for like two weeks. That means that there would be no home work and that's a good thing. Then I can go and be with my friends and we can go hang out. That mean I can sleep in on all a those day I don't have school.”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. (“ The a there thing I like about christmas is presents. That day when you get to open the presents is the best day. When I open my presents I open them very fast. To see what is in side a the presents. Then after I have opened all a my presents I like to go play with them all and have fun playing with the ones I like. When it comes to cleaning up the house it is not fun to do it by your self.”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience by using some inappropriate or informal language to address the intended readers. (“In a hour we come back and eat the rest a them and then its all good.”)

The essay’s limited awareness of audience is exhibited by including slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“That mean I can sleep in on all a those day I don't have school.”)

Content & Development

The essay uses limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position.

The writer includes some facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that illustrate his/her opinion. (“ The next thing i like about Christmas is the cooking that my mom dose. I love the cookies my mom makes the neighbors but I all was eat some a there cookies for them. Then she makes some for us and me and me and my dad site and eat them all faster then she can make them. That all ways makes her mad and fast then we are gone. In a hour we come back and eat the rest a them and then its all good.”)

Some of the writer’s details are convincing. (“ The next thing i like about Christmas is the cooking that my mom dose. I love the cookies my mom makes the neighbors but I all was eat some a there cookies for them. Then she makes some for us and me and me and my dad site and eat them all faster then she can make them. That all ways makes her mad and fast then we are gone.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“ The a there thing I like about christmas is presents. That day when you get to open the presents is the best day. When I open my presents I open them very fast. To see what is in side a the presents. Then after I have opened all a my presents I like to go play with them all and have fun playing with the ones I like. When it comes to cleaning up the house it is not fun to do it by your self.”)

Organization

Limited organization is seen in this essay. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion; furthermore, the essay lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices.

The writer’s introduction gives some background information to help readers understand the issue. (“ My favorite part of the holiday season is Christmas. I like Christmas because we get out a school for like two weeks. That means that there would be no home work and that's a good thing. Then I can go and be with my friends and we can go hang out. That mean I can sleep in on all a those day I don't have school.”)

There is evidence of some transitional devices to illustrate connections between ideas. (“The next thing i like about Christmas is the cooking that my mom dose.”)

The essay does not include a conclusion; instead, the essay ends with just the second body paragraph. (“The next thing i like about Christmas is the cooking that my mom dose. I love the cookies my mom makes the neighbors but I all was eat some a there cookies for them. Then she makes some for us and me and me and my dad site and eat them all faster then she can make them. That all ways makes her mad and fast then we are gone. In a hour we come back and eat the rest a them and then its all good.”)

Language Use & Style

Use of language and style in the essay is limited. The writing demonstrates simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and a reliance on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

The essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“ The next thing i like about Christmas is the cooking that my mom dose. I love the cookies my mom makes the neighbors but I all was eat some a there cookies for them. Then she makes some for us and me and me and my dad site and eat them all faster then she can make them. That all ways makes her mad and fast then we are gone. In a hour we come back and eat the rest a them and then its all good.”)

Sentences in the essay lack well-developed structure. (“ The a there thing I like about christmas is presents. That day when you get to open the presents is the best day. When I open my presents I open them very fast. To see what is in side a the presents. Then after I have opened all a my presents I like to go play with them all and have fun playing with the ones I like. When it comes to cleaning up the house it is not fun to do it by your self.”)

There is a limited variety of sentences in this essay. (“ My favorite part of the holiday season is Christmas. I like Christmas because we get out a school for like two weeks. That means that there would be no home work and that's a good thing. Then I can go and be with my friends and we can go hang out. That mean I can sleep in on all a those day I don't have school.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Limited control of mechanics and conventions is apparent to readers of this essay. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“When I open my presents I open them very fast. To see what is in side a the presents. Then after I have opened all a my presents I like to go play with them all and have fun playing with the ones I like.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

My favorite holiday would have to be Halloween because on Halloween we get a lot of candy. well it is the month of my birthday and i get to scare people and little people that come and went candy. but the funniest part of Halloween is that well my adopted/ weird cousin comes over and we take his little brother treak or treading and we just have fun like that because well we go out and go all around Treamonton Street and I well I just have fun.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay shows evidence of minimal focus and meaning. It demonstrates little attempt at stating an opinion and demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience, c ompleting few parts of the task.

The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using inappropriate or informal language to address the intended readers. (“My favorite holiday would have to be Halloween because on Halloween we get a lot of candy. well it is the month of my birthday and i get to scare people and little people that come and went candy. but the funniest part of Halloween is that well my adopted/ weird cousin comes over and we take his little brother treak or treading and we just have fun like that because well we go out and go all around the Street and I well I just have fun.”)

The essay lacks awareness of audience by including slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“My favorite holiday would have to be Halloween because on Halloween we get a lot of candy. well it is the month of my birthday and i get to scare people and little people that come and went candy. but the funniest part of Halloween is that well my adopted/ weird cousin comes over and we take his little brother treak or treading and we just have fun like that because well we go out and go all around the Street and I well I just have fun.”)

The purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“My favorite holiday would have to be Halloween because on Halloween we get a lot of candy. well it is the month of my birthday and i get to scare people and little people that come and went candy. but the funniest part of Halloween is that well my adopted/ weird cousin comes over and we take his little brother treak or treading and we just have fun like that because well we go out and go all around the Street and I well I just have fun.”)

Content & Development

The essay is developed with minimal content. It develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the opinion statement. (“My favorite holiday would have to be Halloween because on Halloween we get a lot of candy. well it is the month of my birthday and i get to scare people and little people that come and went candy. but the funniest part of Halloween is that well my adopted/ weird cousin comes over and we take his little brother treak or treading and we just have fun like that because well we go out and go all around the Street and I well I just have fun.”)

The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“My favorite holiday would have to be Halloween because on Halloween we get a lot of candy. well it is the month of my birthday and i get to scare people and little people that come and went candy. but the funniest part of Halloween is that well my adopted/ weird cousin comes over and we take his little brother treak or treading and we just have fun like that because well we go out and go all around the Street and I well I just have fun.”)

Minimal details are used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“My favorite holiday would have to be Halloween because on Halloween we get a lot of candy. well it is the month of my birthday and i get to scare people and little people that come and went candy. but the funniest part of Halloween is that well my adopted/ weird cousin comes over and we take his little brother treak or treading and we just have fun like that because well we go out and go all around the Street and I well I just have fun.”)

Organization

The essay consists of minimal organization. It demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion, as well as little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“My favorite holiday would have to be Halloween because on Halloween we get a lot of candy. well it is the month of my birthday and i get to scare people and little people that come and went candy. but the funniest part of Halloween is that well my adopted/ weird cousin comes over and we take his little brother treak or treading and we just have fun like that because well we go out and go all around the Street and I well I just have fun.”)

The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact to hook the readers. (“My favorite holiday would have to be Halloween because on Halloween we get a lot of candy.”)

The essay does not create effective supporting paragraphs since the essay consists of only one paragraph. (“My favorite holiday would have to be Halloween because on Halloween we get a lot of candy. well it is the month of my birthday and i get to scare people and little people that come and went candy. but the funniest part of Halloween is that well my adopted/ weird cousin comes over and we take his little brother treak or treading and we just have fun like that because well we go out and go all around the Street and I well I just have fun.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in this essay is minimal at best. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience. Basic errors in sentence structure and usage are also made.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“but the funniest part of Halloween is that well my adopted/ weird cousin comes over and we take his little brother treak or treading and we just have fun like that because well we go out and go all around the Street and I well I just have fun.”)

Sentences in the essay are too long and have too many ideas. (“but the funniest part of Halloween is that well my adopted/ weird cousin comes over and we take his little brother treak or treading and we just have fun like that because well we go out and go all around the Street and I well I just have fun.”)

There is a minimal variety of sentences in this essay. (“My favorite holiday would have to be Halloween because on Halloween we get a lot of candy. well it is the month of my birthday and i get to scare people and little people that come and went candy. but the funniest part of Halloween is that well my adopted/ weird cousin comes over and we take his little brother treak or treading and we just have fun like that because well we go out and go all around the Street and I well I just have fun.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Minimal control of mechanics and conventions is demonstrated in this essay. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“well it is the month of my birthday and i get to scare people and little people that come and went candy. but the funniest part of Halloween is that well my adopted/ weird cousin comes over and we take his little brother treak or treading and we just have fun like that because well we go out and go all around the Street and I well I just have fun.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

One christmas ev I was playing games With my family and then we had to eat and I was the first one there. I couldn't wait to dig in. there was patatos and turkey and chicen I ate so muc and I almos didnt have room for disert But I couldn't resist the pie and cake and stuff.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay shows inadequate focus and meaning. It demonstrates almost no effort at stating an opinion, and little effort is made to persuade. Few parts of the task are completed.

The essay does not state a clearly defined position about the issue. (“One christmas ev I was playing games With my family and then we had to eat and I was the first one there. I couldn't wait to dig in. there was patatos and turkey and chicen I ate so muc and I almos didnt have room for disert But I couldn't resist the pie and cake and stuff.”)

The position or argument of the essay is not stated. (“One christmas ev I was playing games With my family and then we had to eat and I was the first one there. I couldn't wait to dig in. there was patatos and turkey and chicen I ate so muc and I almos didnt have room for disert But I couldn't resist the pie and cake and stuff.”)

The purpose of the essay and its intended audience is not clearly identified. (“One christmas ev I was playing games With my family and then we had to eat and I was the first one there. I couldn't wait to dig in. there was patatos and turkey and chicen I ate so muc and I almos didnt have room for disert But I couldn't resist the pie and cake and stuff.”)

Content & Development

I nadequate content and development are seen in the essay. L ittle attempt is made to use details to support the arguments and the writer ’s position.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. (“One christmas ev I was playing games With my family and then we had to eat and I was the first one there. I couldn't wait to dig in. there was patatos and turkey and chicen I ate so muc and I almos didnt have room for disert But I couldn't resist the pie and cake and stuff.”)

At least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument. (“One christmas ev I was playing games With my family and then we had to eat and I was the first one there. I couldn't wait to dig in. there was patatos and turkey and chicen I ate so muc and I almos didnt have room for disert But I couldn't resist the pie and cake and stuff.”)

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support each main idea. (“One christmas ev I was playing games With my family and then we had to eat and I was the first one there. I couldn't wait to dig in. there was patatos and turkey and chicen I ate so muc and I almos didnt have room for disert But I couldn't resist the pie and cake and stuff.”)

Organization

The essay has inadequate organization. It demonstrates no evidence of structure with no introduction or conclusion and no evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“One christmas ev I was playing games With my family and then we had to eat and I was the first one there. I couldn't wait to dig in. there was patatos and turkey and chicen I ate so muc and I almos didnt have room for disert But I couldn't resist the pie and cake and stuff.”)

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact to hook the readers. (“One christmas ev I was playing games With my family and then we had to eat and I was the first one there. I couldn't wait to dig in. there was patatos and turkey and chicen I ate so muc and I almos didnt have room for disert But I couldn't resist the pie and cake and stuff.”)

Transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. (“One christmas ev I was playing games With my family and then we had to eat and I was the first one there. I couldn't wait to dig in. there was patatos and turkey and chicen I ate so muc and I almos didnt have room for disert But I couldn't resist the pie and cake and stuff.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion or any conclusion at all. (“One christmas ev I was playing games With my family and then we had to eat and I was the first one there. I couldn't wait to dig in. there was patatos and turkey and chicen I ate so muc and I almos didnt have room for disert But I couldn't resist the pie and cake and stuff.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay conveys inadequate use of language and style. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“ One christmas ev I was playing games With my family and then we had to eat and I was the first one there. I couldn't wait to dig in. there was patatos and turkey and chicen I ate so muc and I almos didnt have room for disert But I couldn't resist the pie and cake and stuff.”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“ One christmas ev I was playing games With my family and then we had to eat and I was the first one there. I couldn't wait to dig in. there was patatos and turkey and chicen I ate so muc and I almos didnt have room for disert But I couldn't resist the pie and cake and stuff.”)

Sentences in the essay are too long and have too many ideas. (“ there was patatos and turkey and chicen I ate so muc and I almos didnt have room for disert But I couldn't resist the pie and cake and stuff.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay exhibits inadequate control of the mechanics and conventions of formal writing. Errors are so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“One christmas ev I was playing games With my family and then we had to eat and I was the first one there. I couldn't wait to dig in. there was patatos and turkey and chicen I ate so muc and I almos didnt have room for disert But I couldn't resist the pie and cake and stuff.”)

Going Alone

Convince your parents or guardian why you should be permitted to attend an event, or do an activity, without their supervision.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Independence is always a major topic among parents and children because there is the question of when the appropriate time is to give children their freedom. Parents ask the questions, "Is my child ready?" or "What if my child ends up in trouble?" but what they don't realize is that children have had the opportunities to obtain all that they need to be independent. Independence is an important aspect of childhood, and kids should be allowed to have more of it. People do not need to watch over children at all times, because at my age, they should be able to watch over themselves.

Giving a viewpoint from a child, I can say that I am capable of managing my own problems because of the lessons I have learned from my past experiences. With the amount of learning that we have had up to now, parents should trust that we will not make bad decisions. Parents, teachers, siblings, and other influential people have all had an impact on my learning and the wisdom from them instructs me in what I attempt. An example of this was during the 18th century, when the colonists in the United States wanted freedom from Britain. They were willing to fight for their independence and with their hard work and careful planning, they were finally able to win it. Although fighting for independence is a drastic move, independence is something that is important to me, and I will persuade my parents to give me what I have earned.

Being independent means a lot to me because it symbolizes that I can go to places without adults watching over me. This means that I can make my own, educated decisions. One reason I should be allowed independence is because I am growing up and I need more time to interact with my friends. Being able to hang out with my friends ensures that I have time to learn from my peers as well. This will help me obtain certain life lessons, like how to be a good friend and earning trust. Also, friends provide a different environment for learning, which is essential in becoming a well-rounded person. Therefore, it is necessary sometimes for parents to step out of the picture and allow their children to fend for themselves.

Sometimes, a parent will take over for their child and not allow them to say what they want, thus hindering their growth and independence. Parents feel like they are wiser and that it will make their children look better if they are given specific instructions. However, this can be counter-intuitive, leading to the under development of the child. It takes a lot of courage for a parent to allow their children to grow by themselves, but eventually every parent needs to understand that it is time for their children to be independent. They should trust that the knowledge they themselves have imparted on their children will help them make smart choices. Once a kid is ten or older, he is considered grown up and can protect himself and go to places with his friends.

The opportunity to acquire freedom is very favorable, but with that freedom a large amount of responsibility also comes with it. Sometimes, with that independence, people make decisions that they regret later on in life or that put them in the way of danger. I have to make sure I make smart decisions and that I keep myself safe. I cannot allow myself to become injured or addicted to drugs because this would show that I have not learned much and that I have made bad choices.

However, even with all these challenges, growing up is still very exciting and I look forward to my independence. Having independence now will help me be prepared for my future because I will have time to become accustomed to life as an adult, and will make my life a successful one.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

After the writer captures the readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinionative statement. (“Independence is always a major topic among parents and children because there is the question of when the appropriate time is to give children their freedom. Parents ask the questions, ‘Is my child ready?’ or ‘What if my child ends up in trouble?’ but what they don't realize is that children have had the opportunities to obtain all that they need to be independent. Independence is an important aspect of childhood, and kids should be allowed to have more of it. People do not need to watch over children at all times, because at my age, they should be able to watch over themselves.”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for the purpose of convincing his/her intended audience of the stated point of view. (“Sometimes, a parent will take over for their child and not allow them to say what they want, thus hindering their growth and independence. Parents feel like they are wiser and that it will make their children look better if they are given specific instructions. However, this can be counter-intuitive, leading to the under development of the child. It takes a lot of courage for a parent to allow their children to grow by themselves, but eventually every parent needs to understand that it is time for their children to be independent. They should trust that the knowledge they themselves have imparted on their children will help them make smart choices.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion that independence is crucial for a child’s development. (“The opportunity to acquire freedom is very favorable, but with that freedom a large amount of responsibility also comes with it. Sometimes, with that independence, people make decisions that they regret later on in life or that put them in the way of danger. I have to make sure I make smart decisions and that I keep myself safe. I cannot allow myself to become injured or addicted to drugs because this would show that I have not learned much and that I have made bad choices. However, even with all these challenges, growing up is still very exciting and I look forward to my independence. Having independence now will help me be prepared for my future because I will have time to become accustomed to life as an adult, and will make my life a successful one.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue of independence. The essay subtly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“Sometimes, a parent will take over for their child and not allow them to say what they want, thus hindering their growth and independence. Parents feel like they are wiser and that it will make their children look better if they are given specific instructions. However, this can be counter-intuitive, leading to the under development of the child. It takes a lot of courage for a parent to allow their children to grow by themselves, but eventually every parent needs to understand that it is time for their children to be independent. They should trust that the knowledge they themselves have imparted on their children will help them make smart choices. Once a kid is ten or older, he is considered grown up and can protect himself and go to places with his friends.”)

The writer effectively includes a historical anecdote to bolster his/her opinion. (“Parents, teachers, siblings, and other influential people have all had an impact on my learning and the wisdom from them instructs me in what I attempt. An example of this was during the 18th century, when the colonists in the United States wanted freedom from Britain. They were willing to fight for their independence and with their hard work and careful planning, they were finally able to win it. Although fighting for independence is a drastic move, independence is something that is important to me, and I will persuade my parents to give me what I have earned.”)

The details in the paragraphs make the essay more persuasive by including examples that readers can identify with in their own experiences. (“Being able to hang out with my friends ensures that I have time to learn from my peers as well. This will help me obtain certain life lessons, like how to be a good friend and earning trust. Also, friends provide a different environment for learning, which is essential in becoming a well-rounded person. Therefore, it is necessary sometimes for parents to step out of the picture and allow their children to fend for themselves.”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. The writer demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. Effective use of paragraphs and transitional devices creates a unified and well-structured essay.

The writer’s introduction is insightful and clearly expresses an opinion to the intended audience. (“Independence is always a major topic among parents and children because there is the question of when the appropriate time is to give children their freedom. Parents ask the questions, ‘Is my child ready?’ or ‘What if my child ends up in trouble?’ but what they don't realize is that children have had the opportunities to obtain all that they need to be independent. Independence is an important aspect of childhood, and kids should be allowed to have more of it. People do not need to watch over children at all times, because at my age, they should be able to watch over themselves.”)

The writer uses transitions to help move from one idea to the next and to show how these ideas are connected. (“Being able to hang out with my friends ensures that I have time to learn from my peers as well. This will help me obtain certain life lessons, like how to be a good friend and earning trust. Also, friends provide a different environment for learning, which is essential in becoming a well-rounded person. Therefore, it is necessary sometimes for parents to step out of the picture and allow their children to fend for themselves.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument and leaves readers with a sense of closure. (“However, even with all these challenges, growing up is still very exciting and I look forward to my independence. Having independence now will help me be prepared for my future because I will have time to become accustomed to life as an adult, and will make my life a successful one.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses language effectively to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Being independent means a lot to me because it symbolizes that I can go to places without adults watching over me. This means that I can make my own, educated decisions. One reason I should be allowed independence is because I am growing up and I need more time to interact with my friends. Being able to hang out with my friends ensures that I have time to learn from my peers as well. This will help me obtain certain life lessons, like how to be a good friend and earning trust.”)

The writer uses varied sentence structures in the essay. (“It takes a lot of courage for a parent to allow their children to grow by themselves, but eventually every parent needs to understand that it is time for their children to be independent. They should trust that the knowledge they themselves have imparted on their children will help them make smart choices. Once a kid is ten or older, he is considered grown up and can protect himself and go to places with his friends.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“The opportunity to acquire freedom is very favorable, but with that freedom a large amount of responsibility also comes with it. Sometimes, with that independence, people make decisions that they regret later on in life or that put them in the way of danger. I have to make sure I make smart decisions and that I keep myself safe. I cannot allow myself to become injured or addicted to drugs because this would show that I have not learned much and that I have made bad choices.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“Sometimes, a parent will take over for their child and not allow them to say what they want, thus hindering their growth and independence. Parents feel like they are wiser and that it will make their children look better if they are given specific instructions. However, this can be counter-intuitive, leading to the under development of the child.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Cooking

How would you feel if you could not do one single task without someone watching every single move you make? Well, you would feel like me when my parents supervise me when I am even near the kitchen. That is why I should be able to cook without parental supervision. My three reasons to support my thoughts are that I am mature enough, I can make meals for my parents and guests, and last but not least, I need experience for when I get older.

To begin, I should be able to cook because I am fairly mature. I can't believe that you're not letting me do one simple action, like cooking; despite the fact I have proven to you over and over again that I am responsible! People say I act like a teen, even though I am eleven. Even you say that! Also, I always get good grades. I have never ever done anything to break your trust. So why won't you let me cook?

Moreover, you should be able to trust me enough to let me cook because I could make meals for you and guests. Mom, you always joke around with me saying that your dream is to wake up in the morning and see your favorite breakfast dish waiting for you on the table. Your dream might become a reality if I learn how to cook. Imagine if I make dinner, breakfast, and lunch. How about when guests visit? They can be in the living room chatting and they can smell the sweet aroma of my dinner cooking. I am sure I'll be a good chef and people will be dazzled by my cooking, inspired by my mom, the world's best cook! Arguably, mom, you don't have to spend the whole day trapped in the kitchen because I'll be doing all the cooking. Doesn't that sound tempting?

Lastly, I should be permitted to cook because I need experience for when I am older. When I am about twenty-one, I will live on my own and be independent. During that time, I will need to know how to cook so I will not starve to death. Also, imagine if at my new house, all my friends come over and I have nothing to feed them. Dad, you always say the best time to learn something is when you are young. That is why I should learn to cook now, while I am still young enough to exhibit the enthusiasm necessary to achieve my goals.

To summarize, I need to learn how to cook without parental supervision. After all this, I hope you agree with me. I think that because I am quite mature, I need experience for when I am older, and I can cook for you. Please, let me cook!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the essay are good. The essay satisfies most parts of the task. The writer establishes and maintains a clear position on the issue of cooking on his/her own to persuade readers. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience.

The writer grabs readers’ attention by beginning with a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact. (“How would you feel if you could not do one single task without someone watching every single move you make? ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Lastly, I should be permitted to cook because I need experience for when I am older. When I am about twenty-one, I will live on my own and be independent. During that time, I will need to know how to cook so I will not starve to death.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“They can be in the living room chatting and they can smell the sweet aroma of my dinner cooking. I am sure I'll be a good chef and people will be dazzled by my cooking, inspired by my mom, the world's best cook! Arguably, mom, you don't have to spend the whole day trapped in the kitchen because I'll be doing all the cooking. Doesn't that sound tempting?”)

Content & Development

The writer provides good development of ideas and content in the response. The essay develops arguments using relevant details to support the writer’s position. However, the writer needs to clearly address readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments to round out the persuasive argument.

The writer’s details are convincing. (“Moreover, you should be able to trust me enough to let me cook because I could make meals for you and guests. Mom, you always joke around with me saying that your dream is to wake up in the morning and see your favorite breakfast dish waiting for you on the table. Your dream might become a reality if I learn how to cook. Imagine if I make dinner, breakfast, and lunch. How about when guests visit? They can be in the living room chatting and they can smell the sweet aroma of my dinner cooking. I am sure I'll be a good chef and people will be dazzled by my cooking, inspired by my mom, the world's best cook! Arguably, mom, you don't have to spend the whole day trapped in the kitchen because I'll be doing all the cooking. Doesn't that sound tempting?”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“Lastly, I should be permitted to cook because I need experience for when I am older. When I am about twenty-one, I will live on my own and be independent. During that time, I will need to know how to cook so I will not starve to death. Also, imagine if at my new house, all my friends come over and I have nothing to feed them. Dad, you always say the best time to learn something is when you are young. That is why I should learn to cook now, while I am still young enough to exhibit the enthusiasm necessary to achieve my goals.”)

The writer needs to address readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. This would create a balanced argument to persuade readers to agree with the writer’s way of thinking. (“To begin, I should be able to cook because I am fairly mature. I can't believe that you're not letting me do one simple action, like cooking; despite the fact I have proven to you over and over again that I am responsible! People say I act like a teen, even though I am eleven. Even you say that! ”)

Organization

The writer clearly states the thesis in the introduction. (“How would you feel if you could not do one single task without someone watching every single move you make? Well, you would feel like me when my parents supervise me when I am even near the kitchen. That is why I should be able to cook without parental supervision. My three reasons to support my thoughts are that I am mature enough, I can make meals for my parents and guests, and last but not least, I need experience for when I get older.”)

Transitions help show how the writer’s ideas are connected. (“To begin, I should be able to cook because I am fairly mature. I can't believe that you're not letting me do one simple action, like cooking; despite the fact I have proven to you over and over again that I am responsible! People say I act like a teen, even though I am eleven. Even you say that! Also, I always get good grades. I have never ever done anything to break your trust. So why won't you let me cook?”)

The conclusion wraps up the writer’s argument and leaves readers with a call to action. (“To summarize, I need to learn how to cook without parental supervision. After all this, I hope you agree with me. I think that because I am quite mature, I need experience for when I am older, and I can cook for you. Please, let me cook!”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Moreover, you should be able to trust me enough to let me cook because I could make meals for you and guests. Mom, you always joke around with me saying that your dream is to wake up in the morning and see your favorite breakfast dish waiting for you on the table. ”)

Short sentences are combined using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. (“They can be in the living room chatting and they can smell the sweet aroma of my dinner cooking. I am sure I'll be a good chef and people will be dazzled by my cooking, inspired by my mom, the world's best cook! ”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“Arguably, mom, you don't have to spend the whole day trapped in the kitchen because I'll be doing all the cooking. Doesn't that sound tempting? Lastly, I should be permitted to cook because I need experience for when I am older. When I am about twenty-one, I will live on my own and be independent. During that time, I will need to know how to cook so I will not starve to death.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and words are spelled correctly. (“Your dream might become a reality if I learn how to cook. Imagine if I make dinner, breakfast, and lunch. How about when guests visit? ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Mom and Dad,

There are many different activities available to teens now-a-days. Sometimes it is best enjoyed when there are several chaperones that are not your own parents. I am getting older, and I think that the chaperones for the church lock-in are responsible. Shouldn't I be able to go to the lock-in with Megan... no parents?

Smith Congregational Church is one of my favorite places to be. I know the building and most of the people really well. I would be perfectly fine on my own, especially with Harry as a chaperone. I would be with kids I know, probably mostly my close friends. Harry makes sure any games we play are at least mildly safe. My ride there would be fine, too. Megan's parents offered to drive the two of us to the church.

Sometimes, it is easier to have fun with your friends without your parents (no offense) breathing down your neck. As us teens get older, we like more privacy time with my friends. It is not that we are doing anything bad or I do not love you, rather I live with you 24-7. It helps to once in a while let out some stress by goofing off with vervacious friends and stay up all night because we are sugar high. It allows me to get exercise because I am laughing so much and dodging finger rockets for hours.

You see, I will be perfectly safe and have lots of fun if you just let me go alone. Harry is experienced, seeing as he has been chaperoning for years. I will also be able to have more fun and be more relaxed. The only thing you have to worry about is whether I come home as hyper as a monkey who just discovered chocolate.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. The essay satisfies many parts of the prompt task. The writer establishes an opinion about going somewhere without his/her parents and adequately attempts to persuade readers . The essay reveals a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“There are many different activities available to teens now-a-days. Sometimes it is best enjoyed when there are several chaperones that are not your own parents. I am getting older, and I think that the chaperones for the church lock-in are responsible. Shouldn't I be able to go to the lock-in with Megan... no parents?”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Smith Congregational Church is one of my favorite places to be. I know the building and most of the people really well. I would be perfectly fine on my own, especially with Harry as a chaperone. I would be with kids I know, probably mostly my close friends. Harry makes sure any games we play are at least mildly safe. My ride there would be fine, too. Megan's parents offered to drive the two of us to the church.”)

The writer uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; word selections do not include slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“It helps to once in a while let out some stress by goofing off with vervacious friends and stay up all night because we are sugar high. It allows me to get exercise because I am laughing so much and dodging finger rockets for hours. You see, I will be perfectly safe and have lots of fun if you just let me go alone. Harry is experienced, seeing as he has been chaperoning for years. I will also be able to have more fun and be more relaxed.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some details to support the position. However, t he essay does not address readers’ potential opposing views. Incorporating more specific, accurate, and relevant supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate main ideas would make the essay more convincing.

Some of the writer’s details are convincing. (“Smith Congregational Church is one of my favorite places to be. I know the building and most of the people really well. I would be perfectly fine on my own, especially with Harry as a chaperone. I would be with kids I know, probably mostly my close friends. Harry makes sure any games we play are at least mildly safe. My ride there would be fine, too. Megan's parents offered to drive the two of us to the church.”)

The details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“Sometimes, it is easier to have fun with your friends without your parents (no offense) breathing down your neck. As us teens get older, we like more privacy time with my friends. It is not that we are doing anything bad or I do not love you, rather I live with you 24-7. It helps to once in a while let out some stress by goofing off with vervacious friends and stay up all night because we are sugar high. It allows me to get exercise because I am laughing so much and dodging finger rockets for hours.”)

The writer does not address readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with the stated opinion. A solid persuasive argument always addresses the counter viewpoints, and in this case, the writer should devote content to a paragraph earmarked for opposing viewpoints. The writer can integrate statistics, examples, or experiences to bolster this section of the essay. (“There are many different activities available to teens now-a-days. Sometimes it is best enjoyed when there are several chaperones that are not your own parents. I am getting older, and I think that the chaperones for the church lock-in are responsible. Shouldn't I be able to go to the lock-in with Megan... no parents?”)

Organization

The writer provides adequate organization in the essay. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is appropriate use of paragraphing and transitional devices. Overall, the writer’s message is adequate for the task presented.

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs readers’ attention. (“Dear Mom and Dad, There are many different activities available to teens now-a-days. Sometimes it is best enjoyed when there are several chaperones that are not your own parents. I am getting older, and I think that the chaperones for the church lock-in are responsible. Shouldn't I be able to go to the lock-in with Megan... no parents?”)

The writer uses some transitions to help move from one idea to the next. Using more transitional words would help show how ideas are connected. (“Sometimes, it is easier to have fun with your friends without your parents (no offense) breathing down your neck. As us teens get older, we like more privacy time with my friends.”)

The conclusion adequately wraps up the argument. (“You see, I will be perfectly safe and have lots of fun if you just let me go alone. Harry is experienced, seeing as he has been chaperoning for years. I will also be able to have more fun and be more relaxed. The only thing you have to worry about is whether I come home as hyper as a monkey who just discovered chocolate.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“Sometimes, it is easier to have fun with your friends without your parents (no offense) breathing down your neck. As us teens get older, we like more privacy time with my friends. It is not that we are doing anything bad or I do not love you, rather I live with you 24-7.”)

The writer’s use of language and tone is consistent throughout the essay. (“Smith Congregational Church is one of my favorite places to be. I know the building and most of the people really well. I would be perfectly fine on my own, especially with Harry as a chaperone. I would be with kids I know, probably mostly my close friends. Harry makes sure any games we play are at least mildly safe.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments. (“You see, I will be perfectly safe and have lots of fun if you just let me go alone. Harry is experienced, seeing as he has been chaperoning for years. I will also be able to have more fun and be more relaxed.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and most word choices are spelled correctly. (“It helps to once in a while let out some stress by goofing off with vervacious friends and stay up all night because we are sugar high. It allows me to get exercise because I am laughing so much and dodging finger rockets for hours.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I should be able to go to pizza hut alone because Im always doing work at the house all day and every day. I can be responsible when I'm alone, so I would be safe at pizza hut. First, cell phone. I would use it for right when I would get there I would call my mom so she knows that Im there so then she wont get get mad that I did not call them so they know that I was there and I was ok. I would need it for if I need to find were I need to go some where.e or I would need it if I needed to find were the bathroom is just kidding if I need ed to fine were to go if I was walking. Emergenoy if there is trouble. If I needed to find out what they needed me to get or what to get them.

Next, money. When Im there I would get food because I would maybe be walking and all of that or I could just be there to get food for my family so they can some thing to eat . And i would need to pay the cab so I don't haft to walk all the way there. I can pay the cab if I take it there.

Finally, A cab. So I would get there fast because maybe my family will really wont food.And i don't really wont to walk all the there because it is really far from my house. It will be much more safer so maybe I wont get stolen because that would be really bad because then I would not be able to give my family there food. And they would never let me walk any were again after when i move and that is going to be a long time.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Focus and meaning are limited in the essay. The writer states an opinion on the argument of going somewhere alone, but it may be unclear or underdeveloped in providing supporting ideas. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“ I should be able to go to pizza hut alone because Im always doing work at the house all day and every day. I can be responsible when I'm alone, so I would be safe at pizza hut. ”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument, but the response does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“Next, money. When Im there I would get food because I would maybe be walking and all of that or I could just be there to get food for my family so they can some thing to eat . And i would need to pay the cab so I don't haft to walk all the way there. I can pay the cab if I take it there.”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer attempts to address readers but is very limited in the use of persuasive terms to convince readers of his/her point of view. (“ I can be responsible when I'm alone, so I would be safe at pizza hut. First, cell phone. I would use it for right when I would get there I would call my mom so she knows that Im there so then she wont get get mad that I did not call them so they know that I was there and I was ok. I would need it for if I need to find were I need to go some where. ”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the argument for going somewhere alone. The writer does attempt to address readers but does not integrate counterarguments into the essay.

The writer is limited in addressing readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“I can be responsible when I'm alone, so I would be safe at pizza hut. First, cell phone. I would use it for right when I would get there I would call my mom so she knows that Im there so then she wont get get mad that I did not call them so they know that I was there and I was ok. ”)

The writer includes reasons that are rambling in nature and does not fully support his/her main ideas in the body paragraphs. (“Finally, A cab. So I would get there fast because maybe my family will really wont food.And i don't really wont to walk all the there because it is really far from my house. It will be much more safer so maybe I wont get stolen because that would be really bad because then I would not be able to give my family there food. And they would never let me walk any were again after when i move and that is going to be a long time.”)

The essay needs details that are clear, correct, and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas to support his/her ability to go somewhere alone, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce the writer’s position on the issue. (“First, cell phone. I would use it for right when I would get there I would call my mom so she knows that Im there so then she wont get get mad that I did not call them so they know that I was there and I was ok. I would need it for if I need to find were I need to go some where.e or I would need it if I needed to find were the bathroom is just kidding if I need ed to fine were to go if I was walking. Emergenoy if there is trouble. If I needed to find out what they needed me to get or what to get them.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is limited at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. The use of paragraphing is incorporated, but the essay lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The writer’s introduction offers a limited attempt to grab readers’ attention by offering an opinion on where he/she wants to go alone. (“ I should be able to go to pizza hut alone because Im always doing work at the house all day and every day. ”)

Transitions included between paragraphs and sentences are limited and may not lead readers to a logical conclusion. The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

(“Next, money. When Im there I would get food because I would maybe be walking and all of that or I could just be there to get food for my family so they can some thing to eat . And i would need to pay the cab so I don't haft to walk all the way there. I can pay the cab if I take it there.”)

The writer neglects to include a conclusion in the essay. A strong conclusion should restate the writer’s position and leave readers with something to think about or tell them what to do next. The writer needs to include a strong conclusion to wrap up his/her argument. (“And they would never let me walk any were again after when i move and that is going to be a long time.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is limited. The essay reflects some awareness of audience and control of voice; however, the writer relies on simple language with insufficient sentence variety and word choices.

The essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“First, cell phone. I would use it for right when I would get there I would call my mom so she knows that Im there so then she wont get get mad that I did not call them so they know that I was there and I was ok. I would need it for if I need to find were I need to go some where.e or I would need it if I needed to find were the bathroom is just kidding if I need ed to fine were to go if I was walking. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. (“Finally, A cab. So I would get there fast because maybe my family will really wont food.And i don't really wont to walk all the there because it is really far from my house. It will be much more safer so maybe I wont get stolen because that would be really bad because then I would not be able to give my family there food. ”)

Sentence fragments and run-on sentences are present in the essay response. The writer should structure sentences effectively to enhance the communication of the argument. (“I would need it for if I need to find were I need to go some where.e or I would need it if I needed to find were the bathroom is just kidding if I need ed to fine were to go if I was walking. Emergenoy if there is trouble. If I needed to find out what they needed me to get or what to get them.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ When Im there I would get food because I would maybe be walking and all of that or I could just be there to get food for my family so they can some thing to eat . And i would need to pay the cab so I don't haft to walk all the way there. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear mom and dad,

I know that you guys are in between yes and no on me going to science camp. But, in this paper I'm going to persuade you guys to let me go. Here are three reasons that hopefully make an impact on your decision.

One reason is that it will teach me responsibility. I know your thinking I can't take care of myself and my things. Your thinking I can't do my own hair. Don't you think I can learn how to? I am mot the same little girl walking into Kindergarten!! I am a RESPONSIBLE fifth grader!! One day I'm going to leave home this a good time to practice.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides minimal focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a minimal attempt at stating a position on the argument of going to space camp alone, without parental supervision. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience, consequently c ompleting few parts of the task.

The essay minimally states an opinion about the issue. (“I know that you guys are in between yes and no on me going to science camp. But, in this paper I'm going to persuade you guys to let me go. Here are three reasons that hopefully make an impact on your decision.”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended readers. (“ I am mot the same little girl walking into Kindergarten!! I am a RESPONSIBLE fifth grader!! ”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support her opinion. (“ One reason is that it will teach me responsibility. I know your thinking I can't take care of myself and my things. ”)

Content & Development

The writer does not provide specific or relevant content and development to convince readers of her stance on the position of going to space camp alone. The essay lays out arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position. The writer does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the essay one-sided and minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion statement. (“ One reason is that it will teach me responsibility. I know your thinking I can't take care of myself and my things. Your thinking I can't do my own hair. Don't you think I can learn how to? ”)

Because the response to the prompt task is minimal, the essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. The writer should keep in mind that each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“One reason is that it will teach me responsibility. I know your thinking I can't take care of myself and my things. Your thinking I can't do my own hair. Don't you think I can learn how to? I am mot the same little girl walking into Kindergarten!! I am a RESPONSIBLE fifth grader!! One day I'm going to leave home this a good time to practice.”)

Details are minimal to explain and illustrate the writer’s point of view on the issue of attending space camp on her own. (“I know that you guys are in between yes and no on me going to science camp. But, in this paper I'm going to persuade you guys to let me go. Here are three reasons that hopefully make an impact on your decision. One reason is that it will teach me responsibility.”)

Organization

The essay provides minimal organization. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“I know that you guys are in between yes and no on me going to science camp. But, in this paper I'm going to persuade you guys to let me go. Here are three reasons that hopefully make an impact on your decision.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay. It does not leave readers with something to think about, and it does not tell them what to do next concerning the issue at hand. (“One day I'm going to leave home this a good time to practice.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in MY Access! Word Bank. By incorporating more persuasive word choices into the essay, the writer would create a more effective argument. (“Don't you think I can learn how to? I am mot the same little girl walking into Kindergarten!! ”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“One day I'm going to leave home this a good time to practice.”)

The writer does not provide a clear voice that emphasizes sufficient reasons why going to space camp on her own is a good idea. (“Your thinking I can't do my own hair. Don't you think I can learn how to? I am mot the same little girl walking into Kindergarten!! I am a RESPONSIBLE fifth grader!!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has minimal control of mechanics and conventions. The writer commits patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the intended message. (“I know your thinking I can't take care of myself and my things. Your thinking I can't do my own hair.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Mom and Dad,

I was wondering if I could go to California with Chelsea all by our selves. Trust me we will call you every like hour to tell you where we aer and what were doing. Look, i'm a tennager and I think that Chelsea and I should be able to go alone.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on the issue, but it fails to include detailed, supporting arguments to convince readers of his/her ability to go to California alone. (“Look, i'm a tennager and I think that Chelsea and I should be able to go alone.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. (“ Trust me we will call you every like hour to tell you where we aer and what were doing. ”)

In the beginning, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are only briefly identified. (“Dear Mom and Dad, I was wondering if I could go to California with Chelsea all by our selves.”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate content and development. The writer makes little attempt to use details to support the argument on the issue of going to California alone without parental supervision. The essay does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. (“Trust me we will call you every like hour to tell you where we aer and what were doing. ”)

Since this one-paragraph response is so brief, there are no main ideas presented in body paragraphs. Additionally, at least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument. (“I was wondering if I could go to California with Chelsea all by our selves. Trust me we will call you every like hour to tell you where we aer and what were doing. Look, i'm a tennager and I think that Chelsea and I should be able to go alone.”)

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. The writer merely states how he/she will keep in contact while away from home. (“Trust me we will call you every like hour to tell you where we aer and what were doing. ”)

Organization

The organization of the essay is inadequate . The writer demonstrates no evidence of structure and lacks a recognizable introduction and conclusion. Also, there is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices used in the essay.

The essay does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. As a result, the essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“Dear Mom and Dad, I was wondering if I could go to California with Chelsea all by our selves.”)

Transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. (“ Trust me we will call you every like hour to tell you where we aer and what were doing. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay or leaves readers with something to think about or tell them what to do next. (“Look, i'm a tennager and I think that Chelsea and I should be able to go alone.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer does not integrate effective use of language, voice, or style into the essay. The writing demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“I was wondering if I could go to California with Chelsea all by our selves. ”) Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things more effectively.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“Trust me we will call you every like hour to tell you where we aer and what were doing. ”)

The style of the writing in the response is inadequate. Because the writer does not incorporate language that reflects an initiative to persuade readers to agree with his/her point of view, the voice of the writer is muted, and the effectiveness of the argument is lost. (“Look, i'm a tennager and I think that Chelsea and I should be able to go alone.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. It contains errors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and words are spelled correctly. (“ Trust me we will call you every like hour to tell you where we aer and what were doing. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Google Glass Explorers

Your teacher just found out that Google is looking for young students to be Google Glass Explorers for free. To select students for this opportunity, your teacher wants students to write an essay stating their opinion about whether or not they would like to become a Google Glass Explorer.

After researching the Google Glass Explorer program, write a well-developed essay in which you state your opinion about whether you would like to become a Google Glass Explorer. Include the reasons for your opinion, and use details and facts from your research to support your reasons.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

If you asked any kid what the future of technology is, they would probably say it has something to do with futuristic glasses and voice command. The future is here! It is called the Google Glass. Google is selecting Google Glass Explorers and our teacher is picking them based on whether or not we want to be one or not. I would like to become a Google Glass Explorer because there are so many ways that we can use the Google Glass to make people's lives better. We could use it to help sick children who are unable to leave the hospital visit the zoo; we can use voice command so we won't have to move, and it helps people do things easier. Would Google Glass Explorers help make peoples' lives easier? Of course it would! There are so many reasons why.

To start, in Houston, Texas, there are many sick kids that are unable to leave the hospital. I would like to become a Google Glass Explorer because I want to bring happiness to even more kids who are in hospitals. I could enable the kids to experience the zoo and famous landmarks. I know it will work because it was done in Houston. "This allows children to not only 'visit' the zoo, but go behind the scenes with zookeepers." They participate in a "double Glass hangout." One boy named Jayden always wanted to see the zoo. He always looked out of the window in hope if seeing some animals. With the help of Google Glass and the Google Glass Explorers, he was able to do just that. Just imagine what I could do if we introduced it to hospitals around the U.S.

Second, I would like to be chosen to be a Google Glass Explorer because it can be used to help people do things easier. For example in article number 4 called "Everything You Need to Know About Google Glass," it states, "You can get step by step instructions for a recipe from Glass." You can also use voice command to read e-mails and answer calls. The possibilities are endless! It even has its own store with apps and programs. Users of Google Glass can wake up this amazing device by looking up. With its unique design, you can google just about anything! There is even a touch pad on the side for navigation. You can swipe it or touch it.

In addition, I would like to become a Google Glass Explorer because I have an amazing idea for a redesign for this amazing device. I would lower the screen so we can look straight out. It hurts your eyes to look up a lot. Your eyes might even adjust to monocular vision. This means that both of your eyes are moving separately, sort of like a chameleon. I would try to make a light to show when someone is recording or taking a picture. That is one of the reasons why it is not out on the market; people are so concerned about privacy. I would make it black because black looks more futuristic. I would put better voice sensitivity and a nicer touch pad. Another thing I would do to it is make it lighter. In the article, it states that, "It is like wearing a heavier pair of glasses." I would make it as heavy as regular glasses. That is a challenge, but I believe that I can do it.

One last way we could use it is for police officers and law enforcement. The explorers could make a special edition for them. It would be super cool! It will be a great way to stop criminals, bank robbers and swindlers. It has proven that hospitals can use it, so why not the police force?

One day, I hope these reasons become a reality. I hope that one day the Google Glass will help many people. I believe that I could make an amazing Google Glass Explorer. I am responsible, I get good grades, and I am super creative. I could help think of new ways for the Google Glass to be better and more powerful. As it gets better, I hope we will start seeing more smiles from the people who use them. All in all, I hope I get chosen to be the next Google Glass Explorer. Until I get chosen, I guess I better go charge my phone.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

After the writer grabs the readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinionative statement about becoming a Google Glass Explorer. (“If you asked any kid what the future of technology is, they would probably say it has something to do with futuristic glasses and voice command. The future is here! It is called the Google Glass. Google is selecting Google Glass Explorers and our teacher is picking them based on whether or not we want to be one or not. I would like to become a Google Glass Explorer because there are so many ways that we can use the Google Glass to make people's lives better.”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for the purpose of convincing his/her intended audience of the stated point of view. (“I could enable the kids to experience the zoo and famous landmarks. I know it will work because it was done in Houston. ‘This allows children to not only 'visit' the zoo, but go behind the scenes with zookeepers.’ They participate in a ‘double Glass hangout.’ One boy named Jayden always wanted to see the zoo. He always looked out of the window in hope if seeing some animals. With the help of Google Glass and the Google Glass Explorers, he was able to do just that. Just imagine what I could do if we introduced it to hospitals around the U.S.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion that he/she should be chosen to be a Google Glass Explorer. (“In addition, I would like to become a Google Glass Explorer because I have an amazing idea for a redesign for this amazing device. I would lower the screen so we can look straight out. It hurts your eyes to look up a lot. Your eyes might even adjust to monocular vision. This means that both of your eyes are moving separately, sort of like a chameleon. I would try to make a light to show when someone is recording or taking a picture. That is one of the reasons why it is not out on the market; people are so concerned about privacy.”)

Content & Development

The writer uses a variety of facts, examples, and anecdotes to illustrate his/her point of view. (“To start, in Houston, Texas, there are many sick kids that are unable to leave the hospital. I would like to become a Google Glass Explorer because I want to bring happiness to even more kids who are in hospitals. I could enable the kids to experience the zoo and famous landmarks. I know it will work because it was done in Houston. ‘This allows children to not only 'visit' the zoo, but go behind the scenes with zookeepers.’ They participate in a ‘double Glass hangout.’ One boy named Jayden always wanted to see the zoo. He always looked out of the window in hope if seeing some animals. With the help of Google Glass and the Google Glass Explorers, he was able to do just that. Just imagine what I could do if we introduced it to hospitals around the U.S.”)

The writer effectively includes some personal anecdotes that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. The writer’s ideas about redesigning the product and offering feedback to the Google Glass production team provide compelling reasons to become an Explorer in the trial program. (“In addition, I would like to become a Google Glass Explorer because I have an amazing idea for a redesign for this amazing device. I would lower the screen so we can look straight out. It hurts your eyes to look up a lot. Your eyes might even adjust to monocular vision. This means that both of your eyes are moving separately, sort of like a chameleon. I would try to make a light to show when someone is recording or taking a picture. That is one of the reasons why it is not out on the market; people are so concerned about privacy. I would make it black because black looks more futuristic. I would put better voice sensitivity and a nicer touch pad. Another thing I would do to it is make it lighter. In the article, it states that, ‘It is like wearing a heavier pair of glasses.’ I would make it as heavy as regular glasses. That is a challenge, but I believe that I can do it.”)

The details in the paragraphs make the essay more persuasive by including a challenge to the readers. The writer successfully asks the readers to imagine a scenario and think about novel uses for Google Glass; this actively engages them in the debate. (“One last way we could use it is for police officers and law enforcement. The explorers could make a special edition for them. It would be super cool! It will be a great way to stop criminals, bank robbers and swindlers. It has proven that hospitals can use it, so why not the police force?”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. The effective use of paragraphs and transitional devices creates a unified and well-structured essay.

The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. (“If you asked any kid what the future of technology is, they would probably say it has something to do with futuristic glasses and voice command. The future is here! It is called the Google Glass. Google is selecting Google Glass Explorers and our teacher is picking them based on whether or not we want to be one or not. I would like to become a Google Glass Explorer because there are so many ways that we can use the Google Glass to make people's lives better. We could use it to help sick children who are unable to leave the hospital visit the zoo; we can use voice command so we won't have to move, and it helps people do things easier. Would Google Glass Explorers help make peoples' lives easier? Of course it would! There are so many reasons why.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “to start,” “in addition,” “second,” and “one day” to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Second, I would like to be chosen to be a Google Glass Explorer because it can be used to help people do things easier. For example in article number 4 called ‘Everything You Need to Know About Google Glass,’ it states, ‘You can get step by step instructions for a recipe from Glass.’ You can also use voice command to read e-mails and answer calls. The possibilities are endless!”)

The conclusion effectively summarizes the argument and leaves the readers with a request to consider the writer’s points before arriving at a decision. (“One day, I hope these reasons become a reality. I hope that one day the Google Glass will help many people. I believe that I could make an amazing Google Glass Explorer. I am responsible, I get good grades, and I am super creative. I could help think of new ways for the Google Glass to be better and more powerful. As it gets better, I hope we will start seeing more smiles from the people who use them. All in all, I hope I get chosen to be the next Google Glass Explorer. Until I get chosen, I guess I better go charge my phone.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by including sentences with exclamations and questions and by combining sentences with conjunctions and semicolons. (“I would like to become a Google Glass Explorer because there are so many ways that we can use the Google Glass to make people's lives better. We could use it to help sick children who are unable to leave the hospital visit the zoo; we can use voice command so we won't have to move, and it helps people do things easier. Would Google Glass Explorers help make peoples' lives easier? Of course it would! There are so many reasons why.”)

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“I would like to become a Google Glass Explorer because I want to bring happiness to even more kids who are in hospitals. I could enable the kids to experience the zoo and famous landmarks. I know it will work because it was done in Houston.”)

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“Second, I would like to be chosen to be a Google Glass Explorer because it can be used to help people do things easier. For example in article number 4 called ‘Everything You Need to Know About Google Glass,’ it states, ‘You can get step by step instructions for a recipe from Glass.’ You can also use voice command to read e-mails and answer calls. The possibilities are endless! It even has its own store with apps and programs. Users of Google Glass can wake up this amazing device by looking up. With its unique design, you can google just about anything! There is even a touch pad on the side for navigation. You can swipe it or touch it.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. The essay has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“To start, in Houston, Texas, there are many sick kids that are unable to leave the hospital. I would like to become a Google Glass Explorer because I want to bring happiness to even more kids who are in hospitals. I could enable the kids to experience the zoo and famous landmarks. I know it will work because it was done in Houston. ‘This allows children to not only 'visit' the zoo, but go behind the scenes with zookeepers.’”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

There are 3 reasons I do not want to be a Google Glass Explorer. The three reasons I do not want to be a Google Glass Explorer is it is uncomfortable to wear in public, vision, and the cost.

First, the Google Glasses is uncomfortable in public. A stranger can wear their Google Glasses and they can be secretly recording you or taking pictures of you. Also, when you wear it at the movie theater, they can kick you out because they think you are recording the movie, but you are not actually recording it. In the park, the stranger who is wearing the Google Glasses can invade your privacy, while you don't even know the stranger is doing it. Also, you can get assaulted, or beat up because the stranger thinks you are recording them, but your actually not. So, wearing Google Glasses in public can be very dangerous. A quote from the article that says it's uncomfortable in public is on page 5 and it says, " Google Glass, Google's first entry into the wearable tech market, is back in the news this week after a Glass user reported being assaulted for wearing her device in public". Another quote from the article that states wearing Google Glasses is uncomfortable to wear in public is on page 4 and it say, " Since Google Glass provides an entirely private computing experience, it's impossible to see whether a stranger in a community playground or park, is recording children or simply checking the weather". Wearing the Google Glasses can be very, very dangerous to use in public.

Next, the Google Glasses can cause some problems for your eyesight. When you wear the Google Glasses, it uses monocular vision, which means that one eye is looking at the little screen up top and the other eye is looking around the room. An example of this is on the little screen is your email and the other eye is focusing around the room. It causes damage for your eyes because we are all binocular, which means we have two eyes, but we can see only one image. Also, the monocular vision can cause your eyes to weaken. If you already have eye problems and you wear the Google Glasses, it can cause more problems for your eyes and it can make it worse. A quote from the article that says the Google Glasses cause problems for your eyesight is on page 3 and it says, " But if your kids have certain eye problems, be wary of doing so. In children with focusing problems, prolonged near viewing can make these problems worse". So, children with eye problems, or even children with no eye problems, the Google Glass can hurt the children's eyesight or worse.

Last, the Google Glasses is very, very expensive. The cost of one pair of Google Glasses is $1,500! It's super expensive. When you are a Google Glass Explorer, you have to pay for the Glass to be one. When you give on to a child, they can break it or do something worse with it. So, it's your responsibility to repair it or buy a new one, which is also really expensive when you want to repair it. It's really not safe for children under 13, because otherwise, they can break it. So, you always tell your child to be careful with it. A quote from this article that tells the Google Glasses are really expensive is on page 6 and it says, " You have to apply to become one of those explorers, and it comes at a steep price: $1,500". Google Glass can actually can break easily, when you take it off and put it on a table, it might drop and break. So, you have to be very careful. So, the Google Glasses can break easily and are very expensive overall.

All in all, the Google Glasses can be harmful for children, even grown-ups. It can be harmful for eyesight for children and it can be harmful for adults to use it in the public.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer’s thesis clearly states why he/she is against wearing Google Glass. (“The three reasons I do not want to be a Google Glass Explorer is it is uncomfortable to wear in public, vision, and the cost. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“Another quote from the article that states wearing Google Glasses is uncomfortable to wear in public is on page 4 and it say, ‘ Since Google Glass provides an entirely private computing experience, it's impossible to see whether a stranger in a community playground or park, is recording children or simply checking the weather’. Wearing the Google Glasses can be very, very dangerous to use in public. ”)

The writer uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience and purpose. The essay is effectively focused on convincing the public that Google Glass is not a safe or desirable product. (“When you are a Google Glass Explorer, you have to pay for the Glass to be one. When you give on to a child, they can break it or do something worse with it. So, it's your responsibility to repair it or buy a new one, which is also really expensive when you want to repair it. It's really not safe for children under 13, because otherwise, they can break it. ”)

Content & Development

The writer provides effective development of ideas and content in the essay. He/she develops arguments using specific and relevant details to support the stated position.

The writer’s details are comprehensive and well balanced. (“First, the Google Glasses is uncomfortable in public. A stranger can wear their Google Glasses and they can be secretly recording you or taking pictures of you. Also, when you wear it at the movie theater, they can kick you out because they think you are recording the movie, but you are not actually recording it. In the park, the stranger who is wearing the Google Glasses can invade your privacy, while you don't even know the stranger is doing it. Also, you can get assaulted, or beat up because the stranger thinks you are recording them, but your actually not. So, wearing Google Glasses in public can be very dangerous. A quote from the article that says it's uncomfortable in public is on page 5 and it says, ‘ Google Glass, Google's first entry into the wearable tech market, is back in the news this week after a Glass user reported being assaulted for wearing her device in public’. Another quote from the article that states wearing Google Glasses is uncomfortable to wear in public is on page 4 and it say, ‘ Since Google Glass provides an entirely private computing experience, it's impossible to see whether a stranger in a community playground or park, is recording children or simply checking the weather’. ”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“Next, the Google Glasses can cause some problems for your eyesight. When you wear the Google Glasses, it uses monocular vision, which means that one eye is looking at the little screen up top and the other eye is looking around the room. An example of this is on the little screen is your email and the other eye is focusing around the room. It causes damage for your eyes because we are all binocular, which means we have two eyes, but we can see only one image. Also, the monocular vision can cause your eyes to weaken. If you already have eye problems and you wear the Google Glasses, it can cause more problems for your eyes and it can make it worse. A quote from the article that says the Google Glasses cause problems for your eyesight is on page 3 and it says, ‘ But if your kids have certain eye problems, be wary of doing so. In children with focusing problems, prolonged near viewing can make these problems worse’. ”)

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, quotes, and/or explanations that effectively argue the stated position. (“Last, the Google Glasses is very, very expensive. The cost of one pair of Google Glasses is $1,500! It's super expensive. When you are a Google Glass Explorer, you have to pay for the Glass to be one. When you give on to a child, they can break it or do something worse with it. So, it's your responsibility to repair it or buy a new one, which is also really expensive when you want to repair it. It's really not safe for children under 13, because otherwise, they can break it. So, you always tell your child to be careful with it. A quote from this article that tells the Google Glasses are really expensive is on page 6 and it says, ‘ You have to apply to become one of those explorers, and it comes at a steep price: $1,500’. Google Glass can actually can break easily, when you take it off and put it on a table, it might drop and break. ”)

Organization

The writer clearly states the thesis at the end of the introduction, but he/she needs to grab the readers’ attention by beginning with a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact about the issue. (“There are 3 reasons I do not want to be a Google Glass Explorer. The three reasons I do not want to be a Google Glass Explorer is it is uncomfortable to wear in public, vision, and the cost. ”)

Transitions within paragraphs and between sentences help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“First, the Google Glasses is uncomfortable in public. A stranger can wear their Google Glasses and they can be secretly recording you or taking pictures of you. Also, when you wear it at the movie theater, they can kick you out because they think you are recording the movie, but you are not actually recording it. In the park, the stranger who is wearing the Google Glasses can invade your privacy, while you don't even know the stranger is doing it. Also, you can get assaulted, or beat up because the stranger thinks you are recording them, but your actually not. ”)

The writer’s conclusion summarizes his/her argument and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“All in all, the Google Glasses can be harmful for children, even grown-ups. It can be harmful for eyesight for children and it can be harmful for adults to use it in the public. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer combines short sentences using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) to create compound sentences, and he/she uses complex sentence structures. (“A stranger can wear their Google Glasses and they can be secretly recording you or taking pictures of you. Also, when you wear it at the movie theater, they can kick you out because they think you are recording the movie, but you are not actually recording it. In the park, the stranger who is wearing the Google Glasses can invade your privacy, while you don't even know the stranger is doing it. Also, you can get assaulted, or beat up because the stranger thinks you are recording them, but your actually not. ”)

The writer uses language to argue his/her position on the issue effectively. (“If you already have eye problems and you wear the Google Glasses, it can cause more problems for your eyes and it can make it worse. A quote from the article that says the Google Glasses cause problems for your eyesight is on page 3 and it says, ‘ But if your kids have certain eye problems, be wary of doing so. In children with focusing problems, prolonged near viewing can make these problems worse’. So, children with eye problems, or even children with no eye problems, the Google Glass can hurt the children's eyesight or worse. ”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s viewpoint. The coherent style and tone ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the writer’s position against using Google Glass. (“It's really not safe for children under 13, because otherwise, they can break it. So, you always tell your child to be careful with it. A quote from this article that tells the Google Glasses are really expensive is on page 6 and it says, ‘ You have to apply to become one of those explorers, and it comes at a steep price: $1,500’. Google Glass can actually can break easily, when you take it off and put it on a table, it might drop and break. So, you have to be very careful. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer has good control of mechanics and conventions. The essay has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“Next, the Google Glasses can cause some problems for your eyesight. When you wear the Google Glasses, it uses monocular vision, which means that one eye is looking at the little screen up top and the other eye is looking around the room. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Do you really need technology that does the same thing as your phone? Google has extended and invented a device called Google Glass. It's a device that allows you to call, text, and do what a phone does for you without your hands. In my opinion I would not want to participate in being a Google Glass Explorer.

First of all, Google Glass is glasses that do the same thing as a phone. One reason I'm against Google Glass is because it invades peoples privacy. People could be talking pictures, and recording you when you walk by and you don't know it. according to the article ''Everything You Need to Know About Google Glass'' you can pass by someone who is recording you, but not know it because your not looking at their glasses.

Another reason I'm against Google Glass is because it can effect children's vision. Children under the age of thirteen can have a hard time developing vision. Your eyes work together to see, so when they're looking in different directions you can strain your eyes and have a hard time seeing.

The last reason I'm against Google Glass because it's a distraction. If used well driving it can distract the user or driver and cause deaths or injuries. When you are walking or riding your bike using Google Glass can distract you. You could possibly get hurt because of Google Glass and not be watching where your going. You could run into someone or walk in the middle of the street.

All in all, Google Glass is just another piece of technology that can be a distraction, something to invades peoples privacy and cause a hard time developing vision.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes an opinion/position/thesis statement about the Google Glass Explorer program and adequately attempts to argue the issue presented in the prompt task . Additionally, the writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience and satisfies many parts of the prompt task.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she thinks about the issue. (“In my opinion I would not want to participate in being a Google Glass Explorer.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. The examples in each paragraph relate to the writer’s opinion statement. (“One reason I'm against Google Glass is because it invades peoples privacy… Another reason I'm against Google Glass is because it can effect children's vision… The last reason I'm against Google Glass because it's a distraction.”)

The writer uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience. Throughout the essay, the writer maintains his/her position against the Explorer program by describing dangerous outcomes that could occur while using Google Glass. (“When you are walking or riding your bike using Google Glass can distract you. You could possibly get hurt because of Google Glass and not be watching where your going. You could run into someone or walk in the middle of the street.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some specific and relevant details to support the stated position. Incorporating more specific, appropriate, and relevant supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate main ideas would bolster the argument in a meaningful way.

Most of the writer’s details support the argument against wearing Google Glass. (“One reason I'm against Google Glass is because it invades peoples privacy. People could be talking pictures, and recording you when you walk by and you don't know it. according to the article ‘Everything You Need to Know About Google Glass’ you can pass by someone who is recording you, but not know it because your not looking at their glasses.”)

The examples and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“Another reason I'm against Google Glass is because it can effect children's vision. Children under the age of thirteen can have a hard time developing vision. Your eyes work together to see, so when they're looking in different directions you can strain your eyes and have a hard time seeing.”)

The writer includes facts, examples, and anecdotes that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“The last reason I'm against Google Glass because it's a distraction. If used well driving it can distract the user or driver and cause deaths or injuries. When you are walking or riding your bike using Google Glass can distract you. You could possibly get hurt because of Google Glass and not be watching where your going. You could run into someone or walk in the middle of the street.”)

Organization

The writer provides adequate organization in the essay. The essay demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. Overall, the writer’s message is adequate for the task presented.

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. (“Do you really need technology that does the same thing as your phone? Google has extended and invented a device called Google Glass. It's a device that allows you to call, text, and do what a phone does for you without your hands. In my opinion I would not want to participate in being a Google Glass Explorer.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “first of all,” “another reason,” and “all in all,” which help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. (“Another reason I'm against Google Glass is because it can effect children's vision. Children under the age of thirteen can have a hard time developing vision.”) Transitional words help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected.

The writer’s conclusion adequately summarizes his/her argument. (“All in all, Google Glass is just another piece of technology that can be a distraction, something to invades peoples privacy and cause a hard time developing vision.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“Do you really need technology that does the same thing as your phone? Google has extended and invented a device called Google Glass. It's a device that allows you to call, text, and do what a phone does for you without your hands. In my opinion I would not want to participate in being a Google Glass Explorer.”)

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“One reason I'm against Google Glass is because it invades peoples privacy. People could be talking pictures, and recording you when you walk by and you don't know it. according to the article ‘Everything You Need to Know About Google Glass’ you can pass by someone who is recording you, but not know it because your not looking at their glasses.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments in the essay. (“The last reason I'm against Google Glass because it's a distraction. If used well driving it can distract the user or driver and cause deaths or injuries. When you are walking or riding your bike using Google Glass can distract you. You could possibly get hurt because of Google Glass and not be watching where your going. You could run into someone or walk in the middle of the street.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and most word choices are spelled correctly. (“All in all, Google Glass is just another piece of technology that can be a distraction, something to invades peoples privacy and cause a hard time developing vision.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I would love to be a Google glass explorer these are the good and bad facts about being a Google glass explorer these are the good and bad reasons of being an explorer.

I think I would be a Google Glass would be a awesome experience because I would want to travel farther without gas mileage no flights no more money to explore. I also wouldn't have to ask my parents when is vacation I could just go virtually the whole family could do it at once say if one of your family members live in Washington to go to the parade with the president, but you were sick so you were sick so you couldn't come so you called her on Google and it was like you were in the parade with your family member. Another way it helps is that it is like a phone in glasses so you can call, text, record, and take pictures. One perfect reason is that it can help children.

There is one back fire about Google Glass is that people could be recording you at any time or even spying on you taking pictures of you when you don't want them to. one other backfire is that parents should read how good it is for kids health if this product comes to stores it could be bad in many reasons such as health, addiction, eye problem. one question is I think the world wants to know is that how much will they have to invest to buy this product. One other thing to think about is how will they effect the life of the future. will this be the beginning of technology taking over. will everything turn virtual will cars fly will we move to different planets anything could happen.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion /position/thesis statement about joining the Google Glass Explorers, but he/she may be unclear or underdeveloped in arguing the issue presented in the prompt task. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The writer expresses a limited opinion /position/thesis statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“ I would love to be a Google glass explorer these are the good and bad facts about being a Google glass explorer these are the good and bad reasons of being an explorer. ”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer attempts to address the readers but is very limited in the use of persuasive terms to convince the readers of the writer’s point of view. (“ one other backfire is that parents should read how good it is for kids health if this product comes to stores it could be bad in many reasons such as health, addiction, eye problem. ”)

The writer does not maintain focus on the Google Glass program throughout the essay. He/she introduces other futuristic ideas that do not relate to his/her position on becoming an Explorer. (“One other thing to think about is how will they effect the life of the future. will this be the beginning of technology taking over. will everything turn virtual will cars fly will we move to different planets anything could happen. ”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the issue. The writer attempts to address the readers' opposing viewpoints or counterarguments but does not integrate counterarguments into the essay.

The essay needs details that are clear and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas for visiting places “virtually,” but the supporting examples are unclear in explaining how Google Glass makes this experience possible. (“ I think I would be a Google Glass would be a awesome experience because I would want to travel farther without gas mileage no flights no more money to explore. I also wouldn't have to ask my parents when is vacation I could just go virtually the whole family could do it at once say if one of your family members live in Washington to go to the parade with the president, but you were sick so you were sick so you couldn't come so you called her on Google and it was like you were in the parade with your family member. ”)

There is a limited amount of detail in the essay to explain the writer’s stance on the issue. (“Another way it helps is that it is like a phone in glasses so you can call, text, record, and take pictures. One perfect reason is that it can help children. ”)

The writer is limited in addressing the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her stated position. (“There is one back fire about Google Glass is that people could be recording you at any time or even spying on you taking pictures of you when you don't want them to. one other backfire is that parents should read how good it is for kids health if this product comes to stores it could be bad in many reasons such as health, addiction, eye problem. ”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is limited at best. The essay exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, and it incorporates the use of paragraphing yet lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The essay demonstrates limited evidence of an effective introduction. The writer merely introduces the topic without providing a “hook” to grab the readers’ attention. (“ I would love to be a Google glass explorer these are the good and bad facts about being a Google glass explorer these are the good and bad reasons of being an explorer. ”)

Although transitions are attempted within paragraphs and between sentences, they are repetitive and create the effect of a list instead of a cohesive argument. B ecause of the lack of effective transitional devices, the readers may not be led to a logical conclusion. (“There is one back fire about Google Glass is that people could be recording you at any time or even spying on you taking pictures of you when you don't want them to. one other backfire is that parents should read how good it is for kids health if this product comes to stores it could be bad in many reasons such as health, addiction, eye problem. ”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The writer does not include a separate paragraph for the conclusion. The conclusion should restate the writer’s position and his/her reasons for wanting to join the Google Glass Explorers. (“ One other thing to think about is how will they effect the life of the future. will this be the beginning of technology taking over. will everything turn virtual will cars fly will we move to different planets anything could happen. ”)

Language Use & Style

Sentences in the essay are too long and have too many ideas. (“ I think I would be a Google Glass would be a awesome experience because I would want to travel farther without gas mileage no flights no more money to explore. I also wouldn't have to ask my parents when is vacation I could just go virtually the whole family could do it at once say if one of your family members live in Washington to go to the parade with the president, but you were sick so you were sick so you couldn't come so you called her on Google and it was like you were in the parade with your family member.”)

The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things within the essay more effectively. (“Another way it helps is that it is like a phone in glasses so you can call, text, record, and take pictures. One perfect reason is that it can help children. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. (“one other backfire is that parents should read how good it is for kids health if this product comes to stores it could be bad in many reasons such as health, addiction, eye problem. one question is I think the world wants to know is that how much will they have to invest to buy this product. One other thing to think about is how will they effect the life of the future. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ will this be the beginning of technology taking over. will everything turn virtual will cars fly will we move to different planets anything could happen. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Google Glasses

Did you know, that google is making glasses that have a little screen the corner and it can do many thins such as recording and taking pictures. Google is tring to make glasses but if people buy them they have to put rules on the glasses because it can be in the the hands of a bad person.

Google is having problems with the glasses because people do not like the rules there putting on them so they stopped building them maybe if a bad guy buys one it can cause really bad things if a bad guy gets they can spy and maybe murrder. They say its bad for kids under 13 can get an infection in there eyes i don't like this idea so thank god there not making them anymore.

If you say "okay glassssss" it can take pictures and take a video and many other thing and call people.

this is why i like and do not like the glass.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides minimal focus and meaning. The writer d emonstrates little attempt at stating an opinion/position/thesis or arguing the issue presented in the prompt task. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience, and consequently c ompletes few parts of the task.

The writer does not state a clearly defined opinion /position about the issue of becoming a Google Glass Explorer. (“ this is why i like and do not like the glass. ”)

The details in the essay do not sufficiently focus on the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“ Did you know, that google is making glasses that have a little screen the corner and it can do many thins such as recording and taking pictures. Google is tring to make glasses but if people buy them they have to put rules on the glasses because it can be in the the hands of a bad person. ”)

The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended readers. (“ Google is having problems with the glasses because people do not like the rules there putting on them so they stopped building them maybe if a bad guy buys one it can cause really bad things if a bad guy gets they can spy and maybe murrder. They say its bad for kids under 13 can get an infection in there eyes i don't like this idea so thank god there not making them anymore. ”)

Content & Development

The writer develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer's position on joining the Google Glass Explorer program.

Because the writer’s response to the prompt task is minimal, the essay does not contain at least three main ideas as evidence. The writer needs to keep in mind that each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“Google is having problems with the glasses because people do not like the rules there putting on them so they stopped building them maybe if a bad guy buys one it can cause really bad things if a bad guy gets they can spy and maybe murrder. They say its bad for kids under 13 can get an infection in there eyes i don't like this idea so thank god there not making them anymore… If you say ‘okay glassssss’ it can take pictures and take a video and many other thing and call people.”)

Details are used minimally to explain and illustrate the writer’s reasons for wanting to become an Explorer. (“ If you say ‘okay glassssss’ it can take pictures and take a video and many other thing and call people. ”)

Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. These details can include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. Providing these details will result in an essay that integrates solid evidence into the writer’s position on the issue. Without these details, the readers cannot determine which side of the issue the writer supports. (“Google is having problems with the glasses because people do not like the rules there putting on them so they stopped building them maybe if a bad guy buys one it can cause really bad things if a bad guy gets they can spy and maybe murrder.”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The writer attempts to use a question to grab the readers’ attention, but he/she does not effectively engage the readers with a position on the issue in the prompt task. (“ Did you know, that google is making glasses that have a little screen the corner and it can do many thins such as recording and taking pictures. Google is tring to make glasses but if people buy them they have to put rules on the glasses because it can be in the the hands of a bad person. ”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position effectively. Also, transitions are not included within paragraphs or between sentences. (“ Google is having problems with the glasses because people do not like the rules there putting on them so they stopped building them maybe if a bad guy buys one it can cause really bad things if a bad guy gets they can spy and maybe murrder. They say its bad for kids under 13 can get an infection in there eyes i don't like this idea so thank god there not making them anymore. ”)

The writer does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay; he/she does not leave the readers with something to think about. (“ this is why i like and do not like the glass. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer employs run-on sentences that contain repetitive ideas. (“Google is having problems with the glasses because people do not like the rules there putting on them so they stopped building them maybe if a bad guy buys one it can cause really bad things if a bad guy gets they can spy and maybe murrder. ”)

The writer does not provide a clear voice that emphasizes his/her position on the argument of becoming a Google Glass Explorer. (“If you say ‘okay glassssss’ it can take pictures and take a video and many other thing and call people.”)

The writer does not incorporate effective persuasive terms to convince the readers to support the writer’s point of view on the issue being debated. The writer can click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover word choices that would emphasize his/her message in a more convincing way. (“They say its bad for kids under 13 can get an infection in there eyes i don't like this idea so thank god there not making them anymore. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization, many words are spelled incorrectly, and there are run-on sentences. (“ Did you know, that google is making glasses that have a little screen the corner and it can do many thins such as recording and taking pictures. Google is tring to make glasses but if people buy them they have to put rules on the glasses because it can be in the the hands of a bad person. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Google glass is a eyeglass that you can wear and you can talk into it so like say ok glass take a picture and ok glass send a massage to dad. But you have to 13 or higher for developing. but you can not have certain eye problems before were. google glass was very warable tech in market and google glass was very smart to developers. They wanted a recipe for making tech zombies and it was for notification or even e mails to see anything impotant. Happies for kids that are very sick and to bring stuff animals so they can fill more happy insted sad in the hospital. or they can take them to the zoo to see all the incradble animals.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Although the essay reveals the topic of Google Glass, the writer does not take a stance on the issue of becoming a Google Glass Explorer. He/she fails to argue a position and merely focuses on describing the functions of the new technology. (“ Google glass is a eyeglass that you can wear and you can talk into it so like say ok glass take a picture and ok glass send a massage to dad. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language to convince the readers of his/her opinion. (“ But you have to 13 or higher for developing. but you can not have certain eye problems before were. ”)

The purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“ google glass was very warable tech in market and google glass was very smart to developers. They wanted a recipe for making tech zombies and it was for notification or even e mails to see anything impotant. ”)

Content & Development

The essay contains inadequate content and development. Little or no attempt is made to use details to support the writer' s position on the issue of becoming a Google Glass Explorer.

The writer does not include details to support an opinion. The details included do not clearly indicate if the Explorers program is a desirable opportunity for the writer. (“But you have to 13 or higher for developing. but you can not have certain eye problems before were. ”)

Since the one-paragraph response is so brief, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs present in the essay. (“Google glass is a eyeglass that you can wear and you can talk into it so like say ok glass take a picture and ok glass send a massage to dad. But you have to 13 or higher for developing. but you can not have certain eye problems before were. google glass was very warable tech in market and google glass was very smart to developers. They wanted a recipe for making tech zombies and it was for notification or even e mails to see anything impotant. Happies for kids that are very sick and to bring stuff animals so they can fill more happy insted sad in the hospital. or they can take them to the zoo to see all the incradble animals. ”) Additionally, at least three distinct main ideas are not included as support for the argument.

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. The writer merely states that sick kids are being helped, but the example does not explain how this affects his/her opinion about becoming an Explorer. (“Happies for kids that are very sick and to bring stuff animals so they can fill more happy insted sad in the hospital. or they can take them to the zoo to see all the incradble animals. ”)

Organization

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. As a result, the essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“ Google glass is a eyeglass that you can wear and you can talk into it so like say ok glass take a picture and ok glass send a massage to dad. ”)

Transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. (“ But you have to 13 or higher for developing. but you can not have certain eye problems before were. google glass was very warable tech in market and google glass was very smart to developers. They wanted a recipe for making tech zombies and it was for notification or even e mails to see anything impotant. ”)

The writer does not include a conclusion that restates the argument of the essay or leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ Happies for kids that are very sick and to bring stuff animals so they can fill more happy insted sad in the hospital. or they can take them to the zoo to see all the incradble animals. ”)

Language Use & Style

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to make an effective opinion/position/statement. (“google glass was very warable tech in market and google glass was very smart to developers. They wanted a recipe for making tech zombies and it was for notification or even e mails to see anything impotant. ”) Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things more effectively.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“But you have to 13 or higher for developing. but you can not have certain eye problems before were. ”)

The style of the writing in the response is inadequate. Because the writer does not incorporate language that presents a balanced argument on the issue of the Google Glass Explorer program, the voice of the writer is muted, and the effectiveness of the essay is lost. (“Happies for kids that are very sick and to bring stuff animals so they can fill more happy insted sad in the hospital. or they can take them to the zoo to see all the incradble animals. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should begin each sentence with a capital letter, ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, and check the spelling of chosen words. (“ Google glass is a eyeglass that you can wear and you can talk into it so like say ok glass take a picture and ok glass send a massage to dad. But you have to 13 or higher for developing. but you can not have certain eye problems before were. google glass was very warable tech in market and google glass was very smart to developers. They wanted a recipe for making tech zombies and it was for notification or even e mails to see anything impotant. Happies for kids that are very sick and to bring stuff animals so they can fill more happy insted sad in the hospital. or they can take them to the zoo to see all the incradble animals. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Loyalists vs. Patriots

Imagine you are a colonist living during the time of the American Revolution. There are two sides battling each other for power: the Patriots, who support independence for the colonies, and the Loyalists, who support the king. Which side do you plan to support?

Write a multi-paragraph letter to your neighbor that persuades him or her to take your position as a Loyalist or a Patriot. Be sure to support your position with historical facts and details.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I can't believe it! The British Army is now recruiting Native Americans to assist in the handling of the rebelling colonists. I was deluded into thinking that they were trying to protect us from them! I'm so glad I became a Patriot now! Pardon me, Mr. Smith. I'm very sorry. I should have started this letter properly. I know it's a little too late for me not to appear rude, but here goes, anyway. I hope this letter finds you in good health. As you are well aware, there is currently a conflict (to put it mildly) with Great Britain (although, in the eyes of many colonists including myself, Britain can no longer be considered great). Of course, as active members of society, you already know this. Who doesn't? However, it has come to my attention that you are a Neutralist, someone who is neither Patriot nor Loyalist. I inform you now, as no longer an active Patriot, but as a friend, that in the coming months ahead, you may be forced to choose a side. I also say as a worried neighbor, that you would do well to become a Patriot. Yes, I am advising you to become a Patriot. I know this may come as an awful shock. If it were you writing to me, I would have thought you very rude. I would not be offended at all if you thought the same of me (and by now, you probably do). However, I sincerely hope you keep reading, for the sake of the colonies. Britain has gone too far this time! Whispers of war are everywhere, so I strongly urge you to become a Patriot, before it is too late.

My first point has to do with the Proclamation of 1763. This Proclamation was just unjust! After the French and Indian War, many Native Americans were upset about colonists moving into their territory. Honestly, I don't blame them. The land belonged to them first. To "protect" us, Britain made the Proclamation of 1763, stating that the Native Americans could have all the land west of the Appalachian Mountains and that no colonists could move there. Not only did they give away a great deal of land intended for the colonists, but they did not even ask the colonies if they cared. You may be thinking they were only trying to do what was best for the colonies. Yes, they did try to protect us. On the other hand, they made a law that directly affected us, and in a huge way, and they didn't once even think to ask themselves "Hmm. What would the people, whom we are depriving land, think about this?" Two long years later, in 1765, the Quartering Act was passed. This law now stated that to "protect us against Native Americans and Spanish settlers" we had to give homes, food, and transportation to British soldiers coming to the colonies to apparently "help us" with problems with Native Americans and the Spanish. Again, they tried to protect us and only managed to hassle us. Basically, these soldiers came, invaded our homes, and demanded that we serve them. However, I'm forgetting that you experienced this. You know this. You know how unfair it is. I am just reminding you of all of Britain 's unfairness. I'm only stating the facts.

As you may have observed, Britain keeps trying to protect us from Native Americans. Surprisingly enough, when talk of a war for independence occurs, they start recruiting Native Americans for their army. Wasn't it for them that the soldiers came to the colonies in the first place? It infuriates me greatly. As I write this, I am seething with rage, but that's beside the point. I know you very well, Mr. Smith. We have been neighbors for a very long time. You are a person who needs more persuading than just those small tidbits. Now let me go back for a moment, to 1770.

I assume you remember the tragic event that occurred in 1770, on that bitter March evening, that later came to be known as "the Boston Massacre." In case you have forgotten what happened on that awful night, allow me to remind you. To the best of my knowledge, a British soldier was standing guard in the town of Boston , just ahead of the Customs House, where they collect taxes. A crowd of angry people gathered. They were mad about these soldiers coming into their homes uninvited, and demanding service. Of course, this was because of the Quartering Act, and I'm sure the soldiers were not happy about it, either. Having to be the unfortunate soldier forced to stand guard at the Custom House (which was, at this point, thoroughly disliked because who would like the place where they had to go to pay those outrageous taxes?) didn't help matters. The crowd threw snow and ice at the soldier, calling him names like "lobsterback," for his red jacket. The soldier called for the help of Captain Thomas Preston and seven other soldiers. No one is exactly sure of the events that followed, as it all happened in the excitement of a moment, but the soldiers fired their weapons, killing five citizens and injuring six. Is the murder of defenseless, unarmed people not heartlessly cruel? Are these soldiers not monstrous excuses for human beings to do such a horrible thing? These people in the crowd were agitated and annoyed at these soldiers. They had valid reasons to taunt them. They should not have hurt them with ice and snow, maybe, but that still doesn't make it right for the soldiers to shoot, thereby killing us, when it is their job to protect us; it is just cruel.

If you wanted me to, I could give you countless more examples of British cruelty towards the colonies. Unfortunately, as my candle burns lower and lower, I realize I have not enough light left to continue writing. I hope what I said has been enough to convince you to become a Patriot. I truly believe we can govern ourselves. Besides, it would be too hard for the King to rule. It takes many months for ships to come from Britain . What if a famine struck and the King was not alerted soon enough? What would become of us then? The King cannot rule from overseas. If you want what is best for our colony, become a Patriot. Thank you for listening, and please remember that Patriots and independence are what is best for America .

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . The writer establishes and maintains an insightful opinion to persuade readers. The response reflects the writer’s thorough understanding of the purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

After the writer grabs readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinionated statement. (“I can't believe it! The British Army is now recruiting Native Americans to assist in the handling of the rebelling colonists. I was deluded into thinking that they were trying to protect us from them! I'm so glad I became a Patriot now!”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“As you are well aware, there is currently a conflict (to put it mildly) with Great Britain (although, in the eyes of many colonists including myself, Britain can no longer be considered great). Of course, as active members of society, you already know this. Who doesn't? However, it has come to my attention that you are a Neutralist, someone who is neither Patriot nor Loyalist. I inform you now, as no longer an active Patriot, but as a friend, that in the coming months ahead, you may be forced to choose a side. I also say as a worried neighbor, that you would do well to become a Patriot. Yes, I am advising you to become a Patriot.”)

The writer uses words that are appropriate for the purpose of convincing his/her intended audience of the stated point of view. (“If you wanted me to, I could give you countless more examples of British cruelty towards the colonies. Unfortunately, as my candle burns lower and lower, I realize I have not enough light left to continue writing. I hope what I said has been enough to convince you to become a Patriot. I truly believe we can govern ourselves. Besides, it would be too hard for the King to rule. It takes many months for ships to come from Britain .”)

The essay is very focused on the controlling idea with supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion that fighting for the Patriots’ side is the right thing to do in order for the American colonies to prosper. (“I truly believe we can govern ourselves. Besides, it would be too hard for the King to rule. It takes many months for ships to come from Britain . What if a famine struck and the King was not alerted soon enough? What would become of us then? The King cannot rule from overseas. If you want what is best for our colony, become a Patriot. Thank you for listening, and please remember that Patriots and independence are what is best for America .”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. The writer develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue of being a Patriot. The essay aptly addresses readers’ opposing points of view, or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“My first point has to do with the Proclamation of 1763. This Proclamation was just unjust! After the French and Indian War, many Native Americans were upset about colonists moving into their territory. Honestly, I don't blame them. The land belonged to them first. To ‘protect’ us, Britain made the Proclamation of 1763, stating that the Native Americans could have all the land west of the Appalachian Mountains and that no colonists could move there. Not only did they give away a great deal of land intended for the colonists, but they did not even ask the colonies if they cared. You may be thinking they were only trying to do what was best for the colonies. Yes, they did try to protect us. On the other hand, they made a law that directly affected us, and in a huge way, and they didn't once even think to ask themselves ‘Hmm. What would the people, whom we are depriving land, think about this?’”)

The writer includes some personal anecdotes that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“Two long years later, in 1765, the Quartering Act was passed. This law now stated that to ‘protect us against Native Americans and Spanish settlers’ we had to give homes, food, and transportation to British soldiers coming to the colonies to apparently ‘help us’ with problems with Native Americans and the Spanish. Again, they tried to protect us and only managed to hassle us. Basically, these soldiers came, invaded our homes, and demanded that we serve them. However, I'm forgetting that you experienced this. You know this. You know how unfair it is. I am just reminding you of all of Britain 's unfairness. I'm only stating the facts.”)

The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, examples, and/or anecdotes to illustrate his/her point of view. (“I assume you remember the tragic event that occurred in 1770, on that bitter March evening, that later came to be known as ‘the Boston Massacre.’ In case you have forgotten what happened on that awful night, allow me to remind you. To the best of my knowledge, a British soldier was standing guard in the town of Boston , just ahead of the Customs House, where they collect taxes. A crowd of angry people gathered. They were mad about these soldiers coming into their homes uninvited, and demanding service. Of course, this was because of the Quartering Act, and I'm sure the soldiers were not happy about it, either. Having to be the unfortunate soldier forced to stand guard at the Custom House (which was, at this point, thoroughly disliked because who would like the place where they had to go to pay those outrageous taxes?) didn't help matters. The crowd threw snow and ice at the soldier, calling him names like ‘lobsterback,’ for his red jacket. The soldier called for the help of Captain Thomas Preston and seven other soldiers. No one is exactly sure of the events that followed, as it all happened in the excitement of a moment, but the soldiers fired their weapons, killing five citizens and injuring six.”)

The details in the paragraphs make the essay more persuasive by including a challenge to readers. (“However, I sincerely hope you keep reading, for the sake of the colonies. Britain has gone too far this time! Whispers of war are everywhere, so I strongly urge you to become a Patriot, before it is too late.”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. The writer demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. The thoughtful use of paragraphs and transitional devices creates a unified and well-structured essay.

The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs readers’ attention. (“I can't believe it! The British Army is now recruiting Native Americans to assist in the handling of the rebelling colonists. I was deluded into thinking that they were trying to protect us from them! I'm so glad I became a Patriot now! Pardon me, Mr. Smith. I'm very sorry. I should have started this letter properly. I know it's a little too late for me not to appear rude, but here goes, anyway.”)

The writer uses transitional phrases to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“As you may have observed, Britain keeps trying to protect us from Native Americans. Surprisingly enough, when talk of a war for independence occurs, they start recruiting Native Americans for their army. Wasn't it for them that the soldiers came to the colonies in the first place? It infuriates me greatly. As I write this, I am seething with rage, but that's beside the point. I know you very well, Mr. Smith. We have been neighbors for a very long time. You are a person who needs more persuading than just those small tidbits. Now let me go back for a moment, to 1770.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument and leaves readers with a request to consider the writer’s points before arriving at a decision. (“If you wanted me to, I could give you countless more examples of British cruelty towards the colonies. Unfortunately, as my candle burns lower and lower, I realize I have not enough light left to continue writing. I hope what I said has been enough to convince you to become a Patriot. I truly believe we can govern ourselves. Besides, it would be too hard for the King to rule. It takes many months for ships to come from Britain . What if a famine struck and the King was not alerted soon enough? What would become of us then? The King cannot rule from overseas. If you want what is best for our colony, become a Patriot. Thank you for listening, and please remember that Patriots and independence are what is best for America .”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style are very effective. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choices, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences contributes to the effectiveness of the response.

The writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“However, it has come to my attention that you are a Neutralist, someone who is neither Patriot nor Loyalist. I inform you now, as no longer an active Patriot, but as a friend, that in the coming months ahead, you may be forced to choose a side. I also say as a worried neighbor, that you would do well to become a Patriot. Yes, I am advising you to become a Patriot. I know this may come as an awful shock. If it were you writing to me, I would have thought you very rude. I would not be offended at all if you thought the same of me (and by now, you probably do). However, I sincerely hope you keep reading, for the sake of the colonies.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by including sentences with exclamations or questions or combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“No one is exactly sure of the events that followed, as it all happened in the excitement of a moment, but the soldiers fired their weapons, killing five citizens and injuring six. Is the murder of defenseless, unarmed people not heartlessly cruel? Are these soldiers not monstrous excuses for human beings to do such a horrible thing? These people in the crowd were agitated and annoyed at these soldiers. They had valid reasons to taunt them. They should not have hurt them with ice and snow, maybe, but that still doesn't make it right for the soldiers to shoot, thereby killing us, when it is their job to protect us; it is just cruel.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the thesis statement/controlling idea of the essay. (“In case you have forgotten what happened on that awful night, allow me to remind you. To the best of my knowledge, a British soldier was standing guard in the town of Boston , just ahead of the Customs House, where they collect taxes. A crowd of angry people gathered. They were mad about these soldiers coming into their homes uninvited, and demanding service. Of course, this was because of the Quartering Act, and I'm sure the soldiers were not happy about it, either. Having to be the unfortunate soldier forced to stand guard at the Custom House (which was, at this point, thoroughly disliked because who would like the place where they had to go to pay those outrageous taxes?) didn't help matters.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and words are spelled correctly. (“If you wanted me to, I could give you countless more examples of British cruelty towards the colonies. Unfortunately, as my candle burns lower and lower, I realize I have not enough light left to continue writing. I hope what I said has been enough to convince you to become a Patriot. I truly believe we can govern ourselves. Besides, it would be too hard for the King to rule. It takes many months for ships to come from Britain . What if a famine struck and the King was not alerted soon enough? What would become of us then?”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Neighbor,

I am writing to you concerning positions of the war fighting Britain that I am sure you are familiar with. Many colonists are divided into two sides, Loyalists, who are loyal to the king, and Patriots, who want independence. I have heard that you have not made up your mind yet of which side to be on. Right now, I urge you to join my side and become a Loyalist. My family and I are certainly loyal to the king and will be until the end of our days. The king has taken care of us for many years, and he will for many more. Still not convinced? Keep reading and learn why being a Loyalist is definitely the best side to be on.

The first issue I will explain is the issue of government. Patriots have complained that they should be able to choose their own governor and rulers. They argue that they should not be ruled by someone across the ocean. I, along with many other Loyalists disagree. Why do the Patriots believe they can govern themselves? The king is wiser and more experienced than they are, and he knows what will be good for the colonies and their government. Some complain that the king is too far away from the colonies to know what we need. However, the king is wise beyond his years. Surely, he will be able to understand what we need and how much of it. Our king deserves better respect and loyalty. How would you feel if your own country abandoned you, even though you took so much time and care to provide for them and protect them? This is one reason why I remain loyal to our king.

Some Patriots complain that the king taxes them unfairly. They believe the king should tax only the wealthy and not take money from the poor folks. However, I find this argument completely idiotic. I don't understand how you can say it is fair to tax some people and not others when they are using the same supplies and living close to the same lifestyle! This is definitely an invalid argument.

Another reason I am a Loyalist is a matter of the church. It is common knowledge that the king's power comes from God. God approves of the king because it was he himself who gave the king his power. Therefore, by disobeying our king, these small-minded Patriots are disobeying God! If they would only think about what they are saying and doing, they would realize how they are disobeying the laws of our church. My family and I, however, love God and we pay strict attention to church matters. I stand firm in Loyalist beliefs.

The Patriots act as if the king has done nothing for us-as if he has treated us like some prop. This is utterly untrue. The king has saved the colonies from many different attacks. He has provided deftly and generously for us, being both generous and considerate. He has cared for us and protected us through all the danger of other countries that were jealous of us and our king. Now his citizens, for whom he has risked life and limb, are turning against him, being both unfaithful and harshly cruel. I, however, am not ungrateful. I have pledged my loyalty to the king, and I will keep that pledge until I am deceased. I urge you to be convinced, and join the Loyalists in protecting this kind man who has protected us in the same way for all these years. I am a Loyalist, and I beg you to join me.

Sincerely,

Loyal to Our King

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the essay are good. The essay satisfies most parts of the task. The writer establishes and maintains a clear position on the issue of being a Loyalist versus a Patriot to persuade readers. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose and intended audience of the task.

The writer grabs the readers’ attention by beginning with a statement that clearly identifies the writer’s position and the uncommitted status of the intended readers. (“I am writing to you concerning positions of the war fighting Britain that I am sure you are familiar with. Many colonists are divided into two sides, Loyalists, who are loyal to the king, and Patriots, who want independence. I have heard that you have not made up your mind yet of which side to be on. Right now, I urge you to join my side and become a Loyalist. My family and I are certainly loyal to the king and will be until the end of our days. The king has taken care of us for many years, and he will for many more. Still not convinced? Keep reading and learn why being a Loyalist is definitely the best side to be on.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Why do the Patriots believe they can govern themselves? The king is wiser and more experienced than they are, and he knows what will be good for the colonies and their government. Some complain that the king is too far away from the colonies to know what we need. However, the king is wise beyond his years. Surely, he will be able to understand what we need and how much of it. Our king deserves better respect and loyalty. ”)

The thesis states what the writer believes about the issue. (“My family and I are certainly loyal to the king and will be until the end of our days. The king has taken care of us for many years, and he will for many more. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“God approves of the king because it was he himself who gave the king his power. Therefore, by disobeying our king, these small-minded Patriots are disobeying God! If they would only think about what they are saying and doing, they would realize how they are disobeying the laws of our church. My family and I, however, love God and we pay strict attention to church matters. I stand firm in Loyalist beliefs.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides good development of ideas and content in the essay response. The essay develops arguments using sufficient specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. The writer clearly addresses counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“The first issue I will explain is the issue of government. Patriots have complained that they should be able to choose their own governor and rulers. They argue that they should not be ruled by someone across the ocean. I, along with many other Loyalists disagree. Why do the Patriots believe they can govern themselves? The king is wiser and more experienced than they are, and he knows what will be good for the colonies and their government. Some complain that the king is too far away from the colonies to know what we need. ”)

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“Another reason I am a Loyalist is a matter of the church. It is common knowledge that the king's power comes from God. God approves of the king because it was he himself who gave the king his power. Therefore, by disobeying our king, these small-minded Patriots are disobeying God! If they would only think about what they are saying and doing, they would realize how they are disobeying the laws of our church. My family and I, however, love God and we pay strict attention to church matters. I stand firm in Loyalist beliefs.”)

The writer’s details are convincing. (“The Patriots act as if the king has done nothing for us-as if he has treated us like some prop. This is utterly untrue. The king has saved the colonies from many different attacks. He has provided deftly and generously for us, being both generous and considerate. He has cared for us and protected us through all the danger of other countries that were jealous of us and our king. Now his citizens, for whom he has risked life and limb, are turning against him, being both unfaithful and harshly cruel. I, however, am not ungrateful. I have pledged my loyalty to the king, and I will keep that pledge until I am deceased. ”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“Some Patriots complain that the king taxes them unfairly. They believe the king should tax only the wealthy and not take money from the poor folks. However, I find this argument completely idiotic. I don't understand how you can say it is fair to tax some people and not others when they are using the same supplies and living close to the same lifestyle! This is definitely an invalid argument.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. The writer demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a solid introduction and conclusion. The consistent use of paragraphing and subtle transitions keeps the flow of the argument smooth and coherent.

The writer clearly states the thesis throughout the introduction of the essay response. (“I am writing to you concerning positions of the war fighting Britain that I am sure you are familiar with. Many colonists are divided into two sides, Loyalists, who are loyal to the king, and Patriots, who want independence. I have heard that you have not made up your mind yet of which side to be on. Right now, I urge you to join my side and become a Loyalist. My family and I are certainly loyal to the king and will be until the end of our days. The king has taken care of us for many years, and he will for many more. Still not convinced? Keep reading and learn why being a Loyalist is definitely the best side to be on. ”)

Transitions between sentences and paragraphs help show how the writer’s ideas are connected. (“Another reason I am a Loyalist is a matter of the church. It is common knowledge that the king's power comes from God. God approves of the king because it was he himself who gave the king his power. Therefore, by disobeying our king, these small-minded Patriots are disobeying God! If they would only think about what they are saying and doing, they would realize how they are disobeying the laws of our church. My family and I, however, love God and we pay strict attention to church matters. I stand firm in Loyalist beliefs.”)

The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about. (“The Patriots act as if the king has done nothing for us-as if he has treated us like some prop. This is utterly untrue. The king has saved the colonies from many different attacks. He has provided deftly and generously for us, being both generous and considerate. He has cared for us and protected us through all the danger of other countries that were jealous of us and our king. Now his citizens, for whom he has risked life and limb, are turning against him, being both unfaithful and harshly cruel. I, however, am not ungrateful. I have pledged my loyalty to the king, and I will keep that pledge until I am deceased. I urge you to be convinced, and join the Loyalists in protecting this kind man who has protected us in the same way for all these years. I am a Loyalist, and I beg you to join me.”)

Language Use & Style

There is good use of language, voice, and style in the essay response. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, some evidence of voice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured sentences with some variety adds to the effectiveness of the writer’s argument.

The writer uses persuasive language to make his/her writing more convincing. (“I have heard that you have not made up your mind yet of which side to be on. Right now, I urge you to join my side and become a Loyalist. My family and I are certainly loyal to the king and will be until the end of our days. The king has taken care of us for many years, and he will for many more. Still not convinced? Keep reading and learn why being a Loyalist is definitely the best side to be on. ”)

The writer provides well-structured and richly detailed sentences. (“The king has saved the colonies from many different attacks. He has provided deftly and generously for us, being both generous and considerate. He has cared for us and protected us through all the danger of other countries that were jealous of us and our king. Now his citizens, for whom he has risked life and limb, are turning against him, being both unfaithful and harshly cruel. ”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. (“Patriots have complained that they should be able to choose their own governor and rulers. They argue that they should not be ruled by someone across the ocean. I, along with many other Loyalists disagree. Why do the Patriots believe they can govern themselves? The king is wiser and more experienced than they are, and he knows what will be good for the colonies and their government. Some complain that the king is too far away from the colonies to know what we need. However, the king is wise beyond his years. Surely, he will be able to understand what we need and how much of it. Our king deserves better respect and loyalty. ”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and words are spelled correctly. (“The Patriots act as if the king has done nothing for us-as if he has treated us like some prop. This is utterly untrue. The king has saved the colonies from many different attacks. He has provided deftly and generously for us, being both generous and considerate. He has cared for us and protected us through all the danger of other countries that were jealous of us and our king. Now his citizens, for whom he has risked life and limb, are turning against him, being both unfaithful and harshly cruel. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Judith,

I believe that you should join me in taking the position of a Patriot. Being a Patriot has many benefits one of those many being that if you are a Patriot you have you work for a fair government. Two more benefits are that Patriots get freedom to make their own choices and that Patriots will not stand for taxation without representation. In the following text you will see how being a Loyalist will not make our lives better. There is no question about being a Patriot it is the way to go. Being a Patriot is the only fair way to live as you will soon find out.

Being a Patriot means working to have your own government. Patriots are making a fair government that is by the people for the people and that means there is no dictatorship. The King doesn't have any government for the people and doesn't rule fairly as our government does and so by being a Loyalist you are following the King's unfair rule. If you choose to be a Patriot you will get the freedom of your own religion and freedom in many more things. You get to make your own choices and do things the way you want to do them. As a Loyalist, you will not get any choices and you will have to live forever under the King's rules no matter how unfair they are. As you can see being a Loyalist will not get you the freedom you wish to have, being a Patriot will.

Patriots are strong enough to tax fairly while the King taxes unfairly, and all Loyalists have to follow the King's rules which will mean you will have to pay unfair taxes. Taxation without representation isn't fair and Loyalists all stand for it. If you are a Loyalist, you need to follow the King's rule and if he taxes you then it is only expected that you pay him. If you are a Patriot, you do not stand for taxation without representation and you will not pay without a fair price to pay. To me that is being strong.

Judith, as you can see being a Patriot is beneficial and the best choice for you to make. You should be a Patriot because of all the reasons I have explained above. If you choose not to be a Patriot, in the near future you will regret it. You should become a Patriot for your own good. Being a Loyalist will only make you miserable and hate living life. This choice is so important your life may depend on it so make the right choice by becoming a Patriot.

Make the best decision,

Isabella

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay response. The essay satisfies many parts of the prompt task. The writer establishes an opinion concerning which side to choose and adequately attempts to persuade readers . The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“I believe that you should join me in taking the position of a Patriot. Being a Patriot has many benefits one of those many being that if you are a Patriot you have you work for a fair government. Two more benefits are that Patriots get freedom to make their own choices and that Patriots will not stand for taxation without representation. In the following text you will see how being a Loyalist will not make our lives better. There is no question about being a Patriot it is the way to go. Being a Patriot is the only fair way to live as you will soon find out.”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Being a Patriot means working to have your own government. Patriots are making a fair government that is by the people for the people and that means there is no dictatorship. The King doesn't have any government for the people and doesn't rule fairly as our government does and so by being a Loyalist you are following the King's unfair rule.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“If you choose to be a Patriot you will get the freedom of your own religion and freedom in many more things. You get to make your own choices and do things the way you want to do them. As a Loyalist, you will not get any choices and you will have to live forever under the King's rules no matter how unfair they are. As you can see being a Loyalist will not get you the freedom you wish to have, being a Patriot will.”)

The writer uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; the writer rarely or does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“Patriots are strong enough to tax fairly while the King taxes unfairly, and all Loyalists have to follow the King's rules which will mean you will have to pay unfair taxes. Taxation without representation isn't fair and Loyalists all stand for it. If you are a Loyalist, you need to follow the King's rule and if he taxes you then it is only expected that you pay him.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some details to support his/her position. To address the possible counterarguments of the conflict, t he writer briefly explores the pros and predominant cons to being a Loyalist. By incorporating specific, accurate, and relevant supporting details in each paragraph, the writer explains and illustrates main ideas more convincingly.

Most of the writer’s details are convincing. (“If you choose to be a Patriot you will get the freedom of your own religion and freedom in many more things. You get to make your own choices and do things the way you want to do them. As a Loyalist, you will not get any choices and you will have to live forever under the King's rules no matter how unfair they are. As you can see being a Loyalist will not get you the freedom you wish to have, being a Patriot will.”)

The details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“Patriots are strong enough to tax fairly while the King taxes unfairly, and all Loyalists have to follow the King's rules which will mean you will have to pay unfair taxes. Taxation without representation isn't fair and Loyalists all stand for it. If you are a Loyalist, you need to follow the King's rule and if he taxes you then it is only expected that you pay him. If you are a Patriot, you do not stand for taxation without representation and you will not pay without a fair price to pay.”)

The writer adequately addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. A solid persuasive argument always addresses the counter viewpoints. (“If you are a Loyalist, you need to follow the King's rule and if he taxes you then it is only expected that you pay him. If you are a Patriot, you do not stand for taxation without representation and you will not pay without a fair price to pay. To me that is being strong.”)

Organization

The writer provides adequate organization in the essay. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is adequate use of paragraphing, although the writer should employ more effective transitional devices. Overall, the writer’s message is adequate for the task presented.

The writer makes an effort to grab readers’ attention in the introduction. (“Dear Judith, I believe that you should join me in taking the position of a Patriot. Being a Patriot has many benefits one of those many being that if you are a Patriot you have you work for a fair government. Two more benefits are that Patriots get freedom to make their own choices and that Patriots will not stand for taxation without representation.”)

The writer should use more effective transitions to move from one reason or idea to the next. (“If you are a Loyalist, you need to follow the King's rule and if he taxes you then it is only expected that you pay him. If you are a Patriot, you do not stand for taxation without representation and you will not pay without a fair price to pay.”) Transitional words help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are connected.

The writer is somewhat successful in wrapping up his/her argument in the conclusion. (“Judith, as you can see being a Patriot is beneficial and the best choice for you to make. You should be a Patriot because of all the reasons I have explained above. If you choose not to be a Patriot, in the near future you will regret it. You should become a Patriot for your own good. Being a Loyalist will only make you miserable and hate living life. This choice is so important your life may depend on it so make the right choice by becoming a Patriot.

Make the best decision, Isabella”)

Language Use & Style

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“Patriots are strong enough to tax fairly while the King taxes unfairly, and all Loyalists have to follow the King's rules which will mean you will have to pay unfair taxes. Taxation without representation isn't fair and Loyalists all stand for it. If you are a Loyalist, you need to follow the King's rule and if he taxes you then it is only expected that you pay him. If you are a Patriot, you do not stand for taxation without representation and you will not pay without a fair price to pay. To me that is being strong.”)

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“Judith, as you can see being a Patriot is beneficial and the best choice for you to make. You should be a Patriot because of all the reasons I have explained above. If you choose not to be a Patriot, in the near future you will regret it. You should become a Patriot for your own good. Being a Loyalist will only make you miserable and hate living life. This choice is so important your life may depend on it so make the right choice by becoming a Patriot.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments in the essay response. (“Being a Patriot means working to have your own government. Patriots are making a fair government that is by the people for the people and that means there is no dictatorship. The King doesn't have any government for the people and doesn't rule fairly as our government does and so by being a Loyalist you are following the King's unfair rule. If you choose to be a Patriot you will get the freedom of your own religion and freedom in many more things. You get to make your own choices and do things the way you want to do them.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates adequate control of mechanics and conventions. The essay contains some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and most words are spelled correctly. (“I believe that you should join me in taking the position of a Patriot. Being a Patriot has many benefits one of those many being that if you are a Patriot you have you work for a fair government. Two more benefits are that Patriots get freedom to make their own choices and that Patriots will not stand for taxation without representation. In the following text you will see how being a Loyalist will not make our lives better. There is no question about being a Patriot it is the way to go. Being a Patriot is the only fair way to live as you will soon find out.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I would like to be a patriot because I would like to be able to share my land with others.Here are three other reasons why I am a patriot.

My first reason is because the colonies throw Britains tea in boston harbor. And my second reason is the Boston massacre. We didn't like it when innocent people were killed by the British. And my third reason is the stamp act. Because they made us pay taxes on everything made of paper and play card.

For these reasons, I am a patriot. I think the British have shown they are against us with the Boston tea party, Boston massacre and the stanp act. Another reason I would like to be a patriot because the souldiers always took our food out your houses. So we called them Lobsterbackes.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion on the argument of being a Patriot, but it may be unclear or lacking sufficient supporting ideas. Additionally, the writer demonstrates limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“ I would like to be a patriot because I would like to be able to share my land with others.Here are three other reasons why I am a patriot. ”)

A limited number of details are used to relate the writer’s opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument, but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“My first reason is because the colonies throw Britains tea in boston harbor. And my second reason is the Boston massacre. We didn't like it when innocent people were killed by the British. And my third reason is the stamp act. Because they made us pay taxes on everything made of paper and play card.”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer does not attempt to address readers appropriately, use persuasive terms, or examine counterarguments. (“ For these reasons, I am a patriot. I think the British have shown they are against us with the Boston tea party, Boston massacre and the stanp act. Another reason I would like to be a patriot because the souldiers always took our food out your houses. ”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the argument of whether to remain loyal or rebel against King George. Though some attempt to address readers is made, the writer does not integrate counterarguments into the essay response.

The essay does not attempt to address readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“I think the British have shown they are against us with the Boston tea party, Boston massacre and the stanp act. Another reason I would like to be a patriot because the souldiers always took our food out your houses. So we called them Lobsterbackes.”)

The writer includes several personal reasons that attempt to explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“My first reason is because the colonies throw Britains tea in boston harbor. And my second reason is the Boston massacre. We didn't like it when innocent people were killed by the British. And my third reason is the stamp act. Because they made us pay taxes on everything made of paper and play card.”) Although this gives readers some insight into the writer’s personal reasons for choosing to fight on the Patriots’ side , it is not an effective support for the argument.

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay response is limited at best. The writer makes some attempt at structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion and incorporates use of paragraphing, but neglects effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The essay does not attempt to grab readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by offering an interesting fact, question, or quotation. The writer unceremoniously reveals his/her choice and devotes the rest of this short response to listing reasons for the choice. (“I would like to be a patriot because I would like to be able to share my land with others.Here are three other reasons why I am a patriot.”)

Transitions between paragraphs and sentences are limited and do not help lead the reader to a logical conclusion. (“For these reasons, I am a patriot. I think the British have shown they are against us with the Boston tea party, Boston massacre and the stanp act. Another reason I would like to be a patriot because the souldiers always took our food out your houses. So we called them Lobsterbackes.”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited way, but it does not restate arguments or leave readers with something to think about or tell them what to do next. (“For these reasons, I am a patriot. I think the British have shown they are against us with the Boston tea party, Boston massacre and the stanp act. Another reason I would like to be a patriot because the souldiers always took our food out your houses. So we called them Lobsterbackes.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits a lack of descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in the MY Access! Word Bank that would improve the essay significantly. (“I would like to be a patriot because I would like to be able to share my land with others.Here are three other reasons why I am a patriot.”)

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay response. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. (“My first reason is because the colonies throw Britains tea in boston harbor. And my second reason is the Boston massacre. We didn't like it when innocent people were killed by the British. And my third reason is the stamp act. Because they made us pay taxes on everything made of paper and play card. For these reasons, I am a patriot.”)

There is a limited variety of sentences in this essay. For example, the writer incorrectly begins some sentences with the word “and.” (“And my second reason is the Boston massacre. We didn't like it when innocent people were killed by the British. And my third reason is the stamp act. Because they made us pay taxes on everything made of paper and play card.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is limited control of mechanics and conventions in the essay. The response has several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message.

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), ends with a punctuation mark, begins with a capital letter, and contains no misspelled words. (“I think the British have shown they are against us with the Boston tea party, Boston massacre and the stanp act. Another reason I would like to be a patriot because the souldiers always took our food out your houses. So we called them Lobsterbackes.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I know that you have to decide if you are going to be a Patriot or a Loyalist. But please come to the Patriot side because, if you are a Loyalist that means that you have to be loyal to the king. That would not be the best thing, because he has been giving us unfair laws and taxing us on no good things. He won't even let us be represented in Parliament.

If you come to the Patriot side you will be able to fight for your rights and you would have independence. So, please come to Patriot side and join us for our Patriotic battles. So that is why you should come to the Patriot side and not the Loyalist side.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay exhibits minimal focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a minimal attempt to state a position on whether Americans should remain loyal to the British or fight to gain independence. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and, consequently, c ompletes few parts of the task.

The essay minimally defines an opinion about the issue. (“ I know that you have to decide if you are going to be a Patriot or a Loyalist. But please come to the Patriot side because, if you are a Loyalist that means that you have to be loyal to the king. ”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended readers. (“ If you come to the Patriot side you will be able to fight for your rights and you would have independence. So, please come to Patriot side and join us for our Patriotic battles. ”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“That would not be the best thing, because he has been giving us unfair laws and taxing us on no good things. He won't even let us be represented in Parliament.”)

Content & Development

The writer does not provide specific or relevant content or development to convince the readers to join the Patriots. The essay lays out arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position. The writer does not consider readers’ opposing points of view, leaving the essay response one-sided and minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion statement. (“ If you come to the Patriot side you will be able to fight for your rights and you would have independence. ”)

The writer’s response to the prompt task is minimal and fails to include least three main ideas as evidence. The writer should keep in mind that each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“I know that you have to decide if you are going to be a Patriot or a Loyalist. But please come to the Patriot side because, if you are a Loyalist that means that you have to be loyal to the king. That would not be the best thing, because he has been giving us unfair laws and taxing us on no good things. He won't even let us be represented in Parliament.”)

The writer uses minimal details explain and illustrate his/her position on the argument. (“If you come to the Patriot side you will be able to fight for your rights and you would have independence. So, please come to Patriot side and join us for our Patriotic battles. So that is why you should come to the Patriot side and not the Loyalist side.”)

Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. These details can include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. Providing these details will result in an essay response that integrates solid evidence into the writer’s position on the issue. Without these details, the writer tends to repeat the same theme throughout the essay response. (“If you come to the Patriot side you will be able to fight for your rights and you would have independence. So, please come to Patriot side and join us for our Patriotic battles. So that is why you should come to the Patriot side and not the Loyalist side.”)

Organization

The essay exhibits minimal organization . The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. There is little evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The writer makes only a minimal attempt to introduce the thesis. (“ I know that you have to decide if you are going to be a Patriot or a Loyalist. But please come to the Patriot side because, if you are a Loyalist that means that you have to be loyal to the king. ”)

The essay does not contain supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position effectively. The writer also neglects to use transitions between paragraphs or sentences. (“That would not be the best thing, because he has been giving us unfair laws and taxing us on no good things. He won't even let us be represented in Parliament. If you come to the Patriot side you will be able to fight for your rights and you would have independence.”)

The essay lacks a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay. It does not leave readers with something to think about, nor does it tell them what to do next concerning the issue at hand. (“If you come to the Patriot side you will be able to fight for your rights and you would have independence. So, please come to Patriot side and join us for our Patriotic battles. So that is why you should come to the Patriot side and not the Loyalist side.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in MY Access! Word Bank that would improve the essay significantly. By incorporating more persuasive word choices into the essay response, the writer would create a more effective argument. (“But please come to the Patriot side because, if you are a Loyalist that means that you have to be loyal to the king. ”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer employs simple sentences that contain repetitive ideas. (“If you come to the Patriot side you will be able to fight for your rights and you would have independence. So, please come to Patriot side and join us for our Patriotic battles. So that is why you should come to the Patriot side and not the Loyalist side.”)

The writer does not exhibit a clear voice that emphasizes his/her support of the Patriots’ side of the cause. (“But please come to the Patriot side because, if you are a Loyalist that means that you have to be loyal to the king.”)

The essay does not incorporate effective persuasive terms to convince readers to support the writer’s point of view on the issue being debated. The writer can click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover word choices that would emphasize his/her message in a more convincing way. (“If you come to the Patriot side you will be able to fight for your rights and you would have independence. So, please come to Patriot side and join us for our Patriotic battles. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay exhibits some control of mechanics and conventions, but contains errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the intended message . (But please come to the Patriot side because, if you are a Loyalist that means that you have to be loyal to the king).

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing in order to avoid the repetitive nature and simplicity of the essay’s tone and structure. (“If you come to the Patriot side you will be able to fight for your rights and you would have independence. So, please come to Patriot side and join us for our Patriotic battles. So that is why you should come to the Patriot side and not the Loyalist side.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

i would be a patriot so i could stay loyal to the colinist. i wouldent want to be bossed around by the king and pay extra taxes just so he can have money. i would fight for my freedom and be strong to fight back and support indapendence for my country.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate focus and meaning. The essay satisfies few requirements of the task. The writer manages to make an effort to state an opinion regarding the argument presented, but little effort is made to persuade readers in any way.

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on the issue, but does not contain detailed, supporting arguments to convince readers of the compelling reasons for joining the Patriots’ side of the struggle. The writer merely focuses on what he would do, but does not attempt to persuade others to join the cause. (“ i would be a patriot so i could stay loyal to the colinist. i wouldent want to be bossed around by the king and pay extra taxes just so he can have money. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not incorporate any persuasive language to convince readers to support his/her side of the argument. (“i would fight for my freedom and be strong to fight back and support indapendence for my country.”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“ i would be a patriot so i could stay loyal to the colinist. i wouldent want to be bossed around by the king and pay extra taxes just so he can have money. ”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate content and development. The writer makes little attempt to use supporting details and does not address counterarguments.

The essay only includes brief reasons to support the stated opinion, with no supporting details. (“i would be a patriot so i could stay loyal to the colinist. i wouldent want to be bossed around by the king and pay extra taxes just so he can have money. ”)

Since the one-paragraph response is so brief, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs present in the essay. (“i would be a patriot so i could stay loyal to the colinist. i wouldent want to be bossed around by the king and pay extra taxes just so he can have money. i would fight for my freedom and be strong to fight back and support indapendence for my country.”) The writer fails to include three main ideas in support of the argument.

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. The writer merely states what he/she would do if faced with the decision to choose a side. (“ i would fight for my freedom and be strong to fight back and support indapendence for my country.”)

Organization

The organization of the essay is inadequate . The response demonstrates no evidence of structure and lacks a recognizable introduction and conclusion. The writer does not use paragraphs or transitional devices to organize ideas.

The essay does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by presenting a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. As a result, the essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“ i would be a patriot so i could stay loyal to the colinist. ”)

The essay is not organized into effective paragraphs. (“i would be a patriot so i could stay loyal to the colinist. i wouldent want to be bossed around by the king and pay extra taxes just so he can have money. i would fight for my freedom and be strong to fight back and support indapendence for my country.”)

Transitional words are not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. (“ i would be a patriot so i could stay loyal to the colinist. i wouldent want to be bossed around by the king and pay extra taxes just so he can have money. ”)

Supporting paragraphs are needed with three or more details to support the essay’s thesis. The essay response is simply too short to convey a well-rounded, convincing argument. (“i would be a patriot so i could stay loyal to the colinist. i wouldent want to be bossed around by the king and pay extra taxes just so he can have money. i would fight for my freedom and be strong to fight back and support indapendence for my country.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay or leaves readers with something to think about or a call for action. (“. i would fight for my freedom and be strong to fight back and support indapendence for my country.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer does not integrate effective use of language, voice, or style into the essay response. The writer employs unclear or incoherent language and word choices, exhibits no awareness of audience, and commits errors in sentence structure and usage.

The writer does not use descriptive or persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement. (“i would be a patriot so i could stay loyal to the colinist. ”) Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe opinions, people, places, and things more effectively.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“i would be a patriot so i could stay loyal to the colinist. i wouldent want to be bossed around by the king and pay extra taxes just so he can have money. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. The writer neglects to address opposing points of view, and as a result, the argument is insufficient at best. (“i would be a patriot so i could stay loyal to the colinist. i wouldent want to be bossed around by the king and pay extra taxes just so he can have money. i would fight for my freedom and be strong to fight back and support indapendence for my country.”)

The writing style in the response is inadequate. Because the writer does not incorporate language that reflects an initiative to persuade the readers to agree to join the Patriots’ side of the struggle, the voice of the writer is muted, and the effectiveness of the argument is lost. (“i would fight for my freedom and be strong to fight back and support indapendence for my country.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. It has errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

To make this essay more effective, the writer should be sure to give each sentence a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs using line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and spell words correctly. (“i would be a patriot so i could stay loyal to the colinist. i wouldent want to be bossed around by the king and pay extra taxes just so he can have money. i would fight for my freedom and be strong to fight back and support indapendence for my country.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Pick Me!

Halloween is coming! Pretend you are a pumpkin in a pumpkin patch. Today is the day that you have either been awaiting or dreading. A child is coming to the patch to pick out his or her pumpkin for October 31st. It is up to you to persuade that child to either choose you or leave you behind.

Write a well-developed essay persuading the child to either pick you or leave you behind. Be sure to include support for each of your reasons.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Put me down Jack! Don't you know better than waking up a sixty year old pumpkin like me? If you were an old pumpkin like me, would you like being taken from your home on a nice evening? I have in this rusty old New Jersey pumpkin patch since I was a seedling on a vine and I like it that way. There is a reason I stay here and that is because I'm not selfish. Pumpkins like me let other young pumpkins have the opportunity to be carved into scary faces and baked into mouthwatering, delicious pumpkin pie. There is no reason whatsoever you should pick me because I'm tart, bitter, peppery, unappetizing, sour, and to top that off I am moldy. I beg of you don't recommend me to your parents.

One specific reason that you should not pick me is that I'm obviously too old and nasty looking. If you put me next to your door people will laugh and say you have a hideous pumpkin. Of course my mold will make me weak so I'll collapse and that won't be fantastic at all, will it? Also look at me, I'm the strangest pumpkin here. The color of my outsides is auburn and my stem is black. There is nothing you can do to make me scary on Halloween night. Don't even try to put spooky cobwebs on me or cut me out. I'm completely impossible to turn frightening so just stop looking at me, I'm too hideous. You know I am not your kind of pumpkin.

Another reason you should not pick me is that I'm way too hard for a child or a parent to carve. Just look how long my grey beard is, that would take a day to trim shorter. I've been growing it for 40 years and you think you are going to be able to trim it off? Haven't you noticed how fat I am too? I have never dieted in my life, and I'm definitely not starting now. To get as thick like me I was only allowed to eat extra fat fertilizer for my whole life. The farmer last year make his medieval sword as sharp as it could be and he tried with all his strength to cut me open but he couldn't because I am to over weight. You would have to get burning hot metal to slice me in half. I don't think you want to have a pumpkin like that.

To think all of that was bad enough, you won't pick me no matter what after I tell you this horrifying detail. I am a nauseating tasting pumpkin! Don't try cooking me because my whole body is fire repellent and that includes every single seed in my shell. I know you love delicious pie but with me you are certain to get a tart pie that tastes worst than brusslesprouts. It may sound strange but have you ever smelled a pumpkin? Don't try sniffing me after you bake me because I have the worst smell in the world. The reason I smell so bad is that I haven't taken a shower since 1950 and I'm not planning on taking one any time soon. Are you sure you want a pumpkin that smells as terrifying me?

It is obvious enough I shouldn't be your pumpkin. Just look at me once more and figure out I'm not your kind. If you are to get a pumpkin here I recommend you pick someone like Isaac or Harrison because they are desperate to be picked. I do apologize if you wanted me but we are not right for each other at all. Pumpkins like me are a shameful disgrace to Halloween night so don't put up a fight just mouth just move along. If you don't find the perfect pumpkin here you could go south to Jimmy's pumpkin patch. I've heard they have the plumpest pumpkins on the east coast.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning . It establishes and maintains an insightful opinion to effectively persuade the readers not to choose the pumpkin. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, completes all parts of the task, and may go beyond the limits of the task.

The writer grabs the readers’ attention by effectively using a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact in the beginning of the introduction. (“Put me down Jack! Don't you know better than waking up a sixty year old pumpkin like me? If you were an old pumpkin like me, would you like being taken from your home on a nice evening? I have in this rusty old New Jersey pumpkin patch since I was a seedling on a vine and I like it that way. There is a reason I stay here and that is because I'm not selfish. Pumpkins like me let other young pumpkins have the opportunity to be carved into scary faces and baked into mouthwatering, delicious pumpkin pie. There is no reason whatsoever you should pick me because I'm tart, bitter, peppery, unappetizing, sour, and to top that off I am moldy. I beg of you don't recommend me to your parents.”)

After the writer grabs the readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinionative statement. (“Put me down Jack! Don't you know better than waking up a sixty year old pumpkin like me? If you were an old pumpkin like me, would you like being taken from your home on a nice evening? I have in this rusty old New Jersey pumpkin patch since I was a seedling on a vine and I like it that way. There is a reason I stay here and that is because I'm not selfish. Pumpkins like me let other young pumpkins have the opportunity to be carved into scary faces and baked into mouthwatering, delicious pumpkin pie. There is no reason whatsoever you should pick me because I'm tart, bitter, peppery, unappetizing, sour, and to top that off I am moldy. I beg of you don't recommend me to your parents.”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Another reason you should not pick me is that I'm way too hard for a child or a parent to carve. Just look how long my grey beard is, that would take a day to trim shorter. I've been growing it for 40 years and you think you are going to be able to trim it off? Haven't you noticed how fat I am too? I have never dieted in my life and I'm definitely not starting now.”)

Content & Development

The essay shows very effective content and development. Arguments are developed effectively, u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant detail to support the writer’s position.

The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, examples, and/or anecdotes. (“To think all of that was bad enough, you won't pick me no matter what after I tell you this horrifying detail. I am a nauseating tasting pumpkin! Don't try cooking me because my whole body is fire repellent and that includes every single seed in my shell. I know you love delicious pie but with me you are certain to get a tart pie that tastes worst than brusslesprouts. It may sound strange but have you ever smelled a pumpkin? Don't try sniffing me after you bake me because I have the worst smell in the world. The reason I smell so bad is that I haven't taken a shower since 1950 and I'm not planning on taking one any time soon. Are you sure you want a pumpkin that smells as terrifying me?”)

The writer’s details are convincing. (“It is obvious enough I shouldn't be your pumpkin. Just look at me once more and figure out I'm not your kind. If you are to get a pumpkin here I recommend you pick someone like Isaac or Harrison because they are desperate to be picked. I do apologize if you wanted me but we are not right for each other at all. Pumpkins like me are a shameful disgrace to Halloween night so don't put up a fight just mouth just move along. If you don't find the perfect pumpkin here you could go south to Jimmy's pumpkin patch. I've heard they have the plumpest pumpkins on the east coast.”)

The writer asks questions to get the readers’ attention, or even challenges readers to formulate a better idea or solution. (“Don't try sniffing me after you bake me because I have the worst smell in the world. The reason I smell so bad is that I haven't taken a shower since 1950 and I'm not planning on taking one any time soon. Are you sure you want a pumpkin that smells as terrifying me?”)

Organization

This essay is characterized by very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, as well as effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout.

The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. (“Put me down Jack! Don't you know better than waking up a sixty year old pumpkin like me? If you were an old pumpkin like me, would you like being taken from your home on a nice evening? I have in this rusty old New Jersey pumpkin patch since I was a seedling on a vine and I like it that way. There is a reason I stay here and that is because I'm not selfish. Pumpkins like me let other young pumpkins have the opportunity to be carved into scary faces and baked into mouthwatering, delicious pumpkin pie. There is no reason whatsoever you should pick me because I'm tart, bitter, peppery, unappetizing, sour, and to top that off I am moldy. I beg of you don't recommend me to your parents.”)

The writer’s introduction poses a question or gives an unusual or surprising statement to its readers. (“Put me down Jack! Don't you know better than waking up a sixty year old pumpkin like me? If you were an old pumpkin like me, would you like being taken from your home on a nice evening?”)

The writer includes transitions between paragraphs and between sentences. (“Another reason you should not pick me is that I'm way too hard for a child or a parent to carve.”)

The writer’s conclusion is effective and either leaves readers with something to think about, and/or offers a call for action (telling the readers what to do next). (“It is obvious enough I shouldn't be your pumpkin. Just look at me once more and figure out I'm not your kind. If you are to get a pumpkin here I recommend you pick someone like Isaac or Harrison because they are desperate to be picked. I do apologize if you wanted me but we are not right for each other at all. Pumpkins like me are a shameful disgrace to Halloween night so don't put up a fight just mouth just move along. If you don't find the perfect pumpkin here you could go south to Jimmy's pumpkin patch. I've heard they have the plumpest pumpkins on the east coast.”)

Language Use & Style

Very effective language use and style are exhibited in this essay. The writing demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience; well-structured and varied sentences are also used.

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“There is nothing you can do to make me scary on Halloween night. Don't even try to put spooky cobwebs on me or cut me out. I'm completely impossible to turn frightening so just stop looking at me, I'm too hideous. You know I am not your kind of pumpkin.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“To think all of that was bad enough, you won't pick me no matter what after I tell you this horrifying detail. I am a nauseating tasting pumpkin! Don't try cooking me because my whole body is fire repellent and that includes every single seed in my shell. I know you love delicious pie but with me you are certain to get a tart pie that tastes worst than brusslesprouts. It may sound strange but have you ever smelled a pumpkin?”)

The following compound sentence is used effectively: “ I have never dieted in my life, and I'm definitely not starting now.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“You would have to get burning hot metal to slice me in half. I don't think you want to have a pumpkin like that.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Today is the best day of my life! Many families are coming to the patch today. My name is Zen Man And I'm a mighty strong pumpkin. This year I'm confident that someone will pick me to carve as scary as can be. Last year a bunch of other nice looking pumpkins stole my spotlight from under me, but this year it's not a great competition. I want to be chosen because I've never been chosen in my pumpkin years. I'm also demanding to be chosen because I'm finally going to have a mouth and eyes.I also want all the trick-o treaters who come to the doorstep to look at me and say, "WoW!"

Any family will be thankful they picked me because although I'm big annd strong, I'm very easy to carve. I'm easy to carve because I have a thin skin. Also I'm very soft, but it does'nt mean I'm rotten. I'm also easy to carve because when your done carving the pumpkin you wont get messy because I don't have any meat inside of me. But I still have the seeds inside of me for you to eat.

People would also die for me because I never become rotten. The cool thing about never becoming rotten is that you never have to replace me or throw me away. I'm imortal, I'm fresh forever. Also if the kids like me still on every halloween you could just take me outside and show the kids and I'll still be living. If you like kids you will want to pick me because attract kids to the door by having look at my scary face.

The best thing about me is that I can change colors. I'm not like those other pumpkins that just stay orange. When I turn mad or angry I turn as red as hot lava. When I'm sad I turn blue. Also when I'm happy I turn as yellow as the sun. But when I want to scare people I turn black as the sky at night.

Every two years at halloween, one pumpkin is blessed with magical powers. Being super strong, never rotting and be able to change colors. Well that pumpkin for this year is me.So you should get in your car right now come pick me up before some one else does!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are apparent in this essay. It establishes and maintains a clear opinion to persuade readers why they should pick the pumpkin. Additionally, the essay d emonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience while completing most parts of the task.

The writer grabs the readers’ attention by beginning with a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact. (“ Today is the best day of my life! Many families are coming to the patch today. My name is Zen Man And I'm a mighty strong pumpkin. This year I'm confident that someone will pick me to carve as scary as can be. Last year a bunch of other nice looking pumpkins stole my spotlight from under me, but this year it's not a great competition. I want to be chosen because I've never been chosen in my pumpkin years. I'm also demanding to be chosen because I'm finally going to have a mouth and eyes.I also want all the trick-o treaters who come to the doorstep to look at me and say, ‘WoW!’”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“ Any family will be thankful they picked me because although I'm big annd strong, I'm very easy to carve. I'm easy to carve because I have a thin skin. Also I'm very soft, but it does'nt mean I'm rotten. I'm also easy to carve because when your done carving the pumpkin you wont get messy because I don't have any meat inside of me. But I still have the seeds inside of me for you to eat.”)

The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. (“ I want to be chosen because I've never been chosen in my pumpkin years.”)

Content & Development

The essay shows evidence of good content and development. Arguments are developed using sufficient, specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position.

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that illustrate his/her opinion. (“ Today is the best day of my life! Many families are coming to the patch today. My name is Zen Man And I'm a mighty strong pumpkin. This year I'm confident that someone will pick me to carve as scary as can be. Last year a bunch of other nice looking pumpkins stole my spotlight from under me, but this year it's not a great competition. I want to be chosen because I've never been chosen in my pumpkin years. I'm also demanding to be chosen because I'm finally going to have a mouth and eyes.I also want all the trick-o treaters who come to the doorstep to look at me and say, ‘WoW!’”)

The writer’s details are convincing. (“ Every two years at halloween, one pumpkin is blessed with magical powers. Being super strong, never rotting and be able to change colors. Well that pumpkin for this year is me.So you should get in your car right now come pick me up before some one else does!”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“ The best thing about me is that I can change colors. I'm not like those other pumpkins that just stay orange. When I turn mad or angry I turn as red as hot lava. When I'm sad I turn blue. Also when I'm happy I turn as yellow as the sun. But when I want to scare people I turn black as the sky at night.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion and consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. (“ Today is the best day of my life! Many families are coming to the patch today. My name is Zen Man And I'm a mighty strong pumpkin. This year I'm confident that someone will pick me to carve as scary as can be. Last year a bunch of other nice looking pumpkins stole my spotlight from under me, but this year it's not a great competition. I want to be chosen because I've never been chosen in my pumpkin years. I'm also demanding to be chosen because I'm finally going to have a mouth and eyes.I also want all the trick-o treaters who come to the doorstep to look at me and say, ‘WoW!’”)

The writer’s introduction gives background information to help readers understand the issue. (“ Today is the best day of my life! Many families are coming to the patch today. My name is Zen Man And I'm a mighty strong pumpkin. This year I'm confident that someone will pick me to carve as scary as can be. Last year a bunch of other nice looking pumpkins stole my spotlight from under me, but this year it's not a great competition. I want to be chosen because I've never been chosen in my pumpkin years. I'm also demanding to be chosen because I'm finally going to have a mouth and eyes.I also want all the trick-o treaters who come to the doorstep to look at me and say, ‘WoW!’”)

Details in each paragraph relate to the paragraph’s topic sentence. (“ The best thing about me is that I can change colors. I'm not like those other pumpkins that just stay orange. When I turn mad or angry I turn as red as hot lava. When I'm sad I turn blue. Also when I'm happy I turn as yellow as the sun. But when I want to scare people I turn black as the sky at night.”)

The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about or something to do. (“ Every two years at halloween, one pumpkin is blessed with magical powers. Being super strong, never rotting and be able to change colors. Well that pumpkin for this year is me.So you should get in your car right now come pick me up before some one else does!”)

Language Use & Style

This writer shows good use of language and style in the essay. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. Well-structured sentences with some variety are also seen throughout.

The writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“ I want to be chosen because I've never been chosen in my pumpkin years. I'm also demanding to be chosen because I'm finally going to have a mouth and eyes.I also want all the trick-o treaters who come to the doorstep to look at me and say, ‘WoW!’”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“ Today is the best day of my life! Many families are coming to the patch today. My name is Zen Man And I'm a mighty strong pumpkin. …I'm also demanding to be chosen because I'm finally going to have a mouth and eyes.I also want all the trick-o treaters who come to the doorstep to look at me and say, ‘WoW!’”)

The writer combines short sentences using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. (“ Last year a bunch of other nice looking pumpkins stole my spotlight from under me, but this year it's not a great competition.”)

The following compound sentence is used well: “ Last year a bunch of other nice looking pumpkins stole my spotlight from under me, but this year it's not a great competition.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay shows good control of mechanics and conventions. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, which do not interfere with the message. For example, most or all sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ Every two years at halloween, one pumpkin is blessed with magical powers. Being super strong, never rotting and be able to change colors. Well that pumpkin for this year is me.So you should get in your car right now come pick me up before some one else does!”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Hey! You! My names is tough Pumpkin. I am trying to get a child to pick me to take home from the pumpkin patch. You should pick me I am the prettiest pumpkin here in the pumpkin patch. I am orange the color of shine gold. I am the biggest and strongest pumpkin here. Heard that is what you are looking for. I am very good to eat for pumpkin pie any kind of pie just choose me. I like to hang out play games and things like that. I like to have fun! I am also bored here.

I am the most prettiest pumpkin here I am orange the color of shinny gold. Every one is just plan orange and I am more than that. Don't you want that ? To be different if you do than pick me. I stand out I think that is cool. I love to dress up like make up and thing like that. I am also bored here every one is always doing nothing. There all just looking around. So just quickly pick someone!

I am the biggest and strongest pumpkin here. I will never break when you drop me. Don't you want to stand out if you take me home. I am pretty shore that is what every one want. I am tough if it was between a pumpkin and me I will crush then it will only me. So come on quick and get me before some one else does.

I will be a good pumpkin pie. You can make me with anything. You can mix me with apple juice, lemonade any kind of drink. Also with any kind of food. Just pick me, pick me! I want to get out of this place. I don't want to be here for ever you know. Remember pick me before someone else does!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates adequate focus and meaning. It establishes an opinion and adequately attempts to persuade readers why they should pick the pumpkin. Furthermore, the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience and completes many parts of the task.

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“I am the most prettiest pumpkin here I am orange the color of shinny gold. Every one is just plan orange and I am more than that. Don't you want that ? To be different if you do than pick me. I stand out I think that is cool. I love to dress up like make up and thing like that. I am also bored here every one is always doing nothing. There all just looking around. So just quickly pick someone!”)

This essay demonstrates adequate understanding of purpose and audience. (“Hey! You! My names is tough Pumpkin. I am trying to get a child to pick me to take home from the pumpkin patch. You should pick me I am the prettiest pumpkin here in the pumpkin patch. I am orange the color of shine gold. I am the biggest and strongest pumpkin here. Heard that is what you are looking for. I am very good to eat for pumpkin pie any kind of pie just choose me. I like to hang out play games and things like that. I like to have fun! I am also bored here.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples. (“You should pick me I am the prettiest pumpkin here in the pumpkin patch.”)

Content & Development

The essay exhibits adequate content and development. It develops arguments using some specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position.

Most of the writer’s details are convincing. (“I am the biggest and strongest pumpkin here. I will never break when you drop me. Don't you want to stand out if you take me home. I am pretty shore that is what every one want. I am tough if it was between a pumpkin and me I will crush then it will only me. So come on quick and get me before some one else does.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“I am the most prettiest pumpkin here I am orange the color of shinny gold. Every one is just plan orange and I am more than that. Don't you want that ? To be different if you do than pick me. I stand out I think that is cool. I love to dress up like make up and thing like that. I am also bored here every one is always doing nothing. There all just looking around. So just quickly pick someone!”)

Most details are clear, correct, and specific. (“I am the biggest and strongest pumpkin here. I will never break when you drop me. Don't you want to stand out if you take me home. I am pretty shore that is what every one want. I am tough if it was between a pumpkin and me I will crush then it will only me. So come on quick and get me before some one else does.”)

Organization

The essay is comprised of adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, inconsistent use of paragraphing, and transitional devices.

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. (“Hey! You! My names is tough Pumpkin. I am trying to get a child to pick me to take home from the pumpkin patch. You should pick me I am the prettiest pumpkin here in the pumpkin patch. I am orange the color of shine gold. I am the biggest and strongest pumpkin here. Heard that is what you are looking for. I am very good to eat for pumpkin pie any kind of pie just choose me. I like to hang out play games and things like that. I like to have fun! I am also bored here.”)

Details in each paragraph relate to the paragraph’s topic sentence. (“I am the biggest and strongest pumpkin here. I will never break when you drop me. Don't you want to stand out if you take me home. I am pretty shore that is what every one want. I am tough if it was between a pumpkin and me I will crush then it will only me. So come on quick and get me before some one else does.”)

The writer’s conclusion adequately wraps up his/her argument. (“I will be a good pumpkin pie. You can make me with anything. You can mix me with apple juice, lemonade any kind of drink. Also with any kind of food. Just pick me, pick me! I want to get out of this place. I don't want to be here for ever you know. Remember pick me before someone else does!”)

Language Use & Style

Adequate use of language and style is conveyed in this essay. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, an awareness of audience and control of voice, and generally correct sentence structure with some variety.

The writer sometimes uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“Just pick me, pick me! I want to get out of this place. I don't want to be here for ever you know. Remember pick me before someone else does!”)

Word choices are sometimes poor; for example, slang terms such as “cool” and the generic term “thing” are seen in the essay. (“I stand out I think that is cool. I love to dress up like make up and thing like that.”)

The persuasive language and tone are mostly consistent throughout the essay. (“I will be a good pumpkin pie. You can make me with anything. You can mix me with apple juice, lemonade any kind of drink. Also with any kind of food. Just pick me, pick me! I want to get out of this place. I don't want to be here for ever you know. Remember pick me before someone else does!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions in the essay is adequate. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“I am trying to get a child to pick me to take home from the pumpkin patch. You should pick me I am the prettiest pumpkin here in the pumpkin patch. I am orange the color of shine gold. I am the biggest and strongest pumpkin here.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever been to a pumpkin patch? Well, I live in one. You should pick me because I'm the biggest, most tasteful, and I have one million really big seeds. I'm the coolest of them all.

First, I'm the biggest one so why wouldn't any body want to take me home? I'm the biggest because I was watered five times a day seven days a week. So, that is why I'm so big.

Second, I'm the most tasteful because how big I am. If you make me into a pumpkin pie I will be really yummy because I'm so fat.

Finally I have one million really big seeds. So you can make me into salted, or carmel pumpkin seeds. I believe you should pick me. I would not rot away. Please pick me I'm the biggest, most tasteful, and I have one million big pumpkin seeds. So, pick me!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It states an opinion, but it may be unclear or underdeveloped. Limited understanding of the purpose and audience is demonstrated; only some parts of the task are completed.

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. (“Have you ever been to a pumpkin patch? Well, I live in one. You should pick me because I'm the biggest, most tasteful, and I have one million really big seeds. I'm the coolest of them all.”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and the intended audience are not clearly identified. (“Have you ever been to a pumpkin patch? Well, I live in one. You should pick me because I'm the biggest, most tasteful, and I have one million really big seeds. I'm the coolest of them all.”)

In the introduction, only a limited point of view or argument of the essay is stated. (“Have you ever been to a pumpkin patch? Well, I live in one. You should pick me because I'm the biggest, most tasteful, and I have one million really big seeds. I'm the coolest of them all.”)

Content & Development

The essay consists of limited content and development. It develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support the writer’s position.

The writer includes some facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that illustrate his/her opinion. (“ Finally I have one million really big seeds. So you can make me into salted, or carmel pumpkin seeds. I believe you should pick me. I would not rot away. Please pick me I'm the biggest, most tasteful, and I have one million big pumpkin seeds. So, pick me!”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“ Second, I'm the most tasteful because how big I am. If you make me into a pumpkin pie I will be really yummy because I'm so fat.”)

The essay needs details ( specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) that are clear, correct, and specific. (“First, I'm the biggest one so why wouldn't any body want to take me home? I'm the biggest because I was watered five times a day seven days a week. So, that is why I'm so big.”)

Organization

O rganization within the essay is limited. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion and lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates limited evidence of an effective introduction. (“Have you ever been to a pumpkin patch? Well, I live in one. You should pick me because I'm the biggest, most tasteful, and I have one million really big seeds. I'm the coolest of them all.”)

There is evidence of some transitional devices to illustrate connections between ideas. (“First, I'm the biggest one so why wouldn't any body want to take me home? …Second, I'm the most tasteful because how big I am. …Finally I have one million really big seeds.”)

The conclusion of the essay attempts to convince the readers with a summation of restated arguments. (“ Finally I have one million really big seeds. So you can make me into salted, or carmel pumpkin seeds. I believe you should pick me. I would not rot away. Please pick me I'm the biggest, most tasteful, and I have one million big pumpkin seeds. So, pick me!”)

Language Use & Style

Limited use of language and style is apparent in the essay. It demonstrates simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and a reliance on simple sentences, and insufficient sentence variety.

Sentences in the essay lack well-developed structure. (“ Please pick me I'm the biggest, most tasteful, and I have one million big pumpkin seeds.”)

Sentences in the essay are too short. (“ Well, I live in one. …I'm the coolest of them all.”)

There is a limited variety of sentences in this essay. (“ First, I'm the biggest one so why wouldn't any body want to take me home? I'm the biggest because I was watered five times a day seven days a week. So, that is why I'm so big.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates limited control of the mechanics and conventions of formal writing. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“Finally I have one million really big seeds. So you can make me into salted, or carmel pumpkin seeds. I believe you should pick me. I would not rot away. Please pick me I'm the biggest, most tasteful, and I have one million big pumpkin seeds. So, pick me!”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

I am a pumpkin and i need them to pike me up from the garden because when you are little you are still there then when you get bigger they pike you up. they need pumpkin's for they can put them like jackolanter's for they can scare the kid's in halloween. they can use the pumpkin's to eat them to. they can make pie's and cakes so they can make a party. they can make some thing else like doing some thing for there grandma like if she's sick .

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. Little attempt is made to state an opinion. Minimal understanding of the purpose and audience is demonstrated, and few parts of the task are completed.

The essay does not state a clearly defined opinion about the issue. (“I am a pumpkin and i need them to pike me up from the garden because when you are little you are still there then when you get bigger they pike you up. they need pumpkin's for they can put them like jackolanter's for they can scare the kid's in halloween. they can use the pumpkin's to eat them to. they can make pie's and cakes so they can make a party. they can make some thing else like doing some thing for there grandma like if she's sick .”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using inappropriate or informal language to address the intended readers. (“I am a pumpkin and i need them to pike me up from the garden because when you are little you are still there then when you get bigger they pike you up. they need pumpkin's for they can put them like jackolanter's for they can scare the kid's in halloween. they can use the pumpkin's to eat them to. they can make pie's and cakes so they can make a party. they can make some thing else like doing some thing for there grandma like if she's sick .”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and the intended audience are not clearly identified. (“I am a pumpkin and i need them to pike me up from the garden because when you are little you are still there then when you get bigger they pike you up. they need pumpkin's for they can put them like jackolanter's for they can scare the kid's in halloween. they can use the pumpkin's to eat them to. they can make pie's and cakes so they can make a party. they can make some thing else like doing some thing for there grandma like if she's sick .”)

Content & Development

The essay shows evidence of minimal content and development. It develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the opinion statement. (“I am a pumpkin and i need them to pike me up from the garden because when you are little you are still there then when you get bigger they pike you up. they need pumpkin's for they can put them like jackolanter's for they can scare the kid's in halloween. they can use the pumpkin's to eat them to. they can make pie's and cakes so they can make a party. they can make some thing else like doing some thing for there grandma like if she's sick .”)

The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“I am a pumpkin and i need them to pike me up from the garden because when you are little you are still there then when you get bigger they pike you up. they need pumpkin's for they can put them like jackolanter's for they can scare the kid's in halloween. they can use the pumpkin's to eat them to. they can make pie's and cakes so they can make a party. they can make some thing else like doing some thing for there grandma like if she's sick .”)

Details are minimally used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“I am a pumpkin and i need them to pike me up from the garden because when you are little you are still there then when you get bigger they pike you up. they need pumpkin's for they can put them like jackolanter's for they can scare the kid's in halloween. they can use the pumpkin's to eat them to. they can make pie's and cakes so they can make a party. they can make some thing else like doing some thing for there grandma like if she's sick .”)

Organization

Minimal organization is seen in this essay. It demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion as well as little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction or any introduction at all. (“I am a pumpkin and i need them to pike me up from the garden because when you are little you are still there then when you get bigger they pike you up. they need pumpkin's for they can put them like jackolanter's for they can scare the kid's in halloween. they can use the pumpkin's to eat them to. they can make pie's and cakes so they can make a party. they can make some thing else like doing some thing for there grandma like if she's sick .”)

The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact to hook the readers. (“I am a pumpkin and i need them to pike me up from the garden because when you are little you are still there then when you get bigger they pike you up. they need pumpkin's for they can put them like jackolanter's for they can scare the kid's in halloween. they can use the pumpkin's to eat them to. they can make pie's and cakes so they can make a party. they can make some thing else like doing some thing for there grandma like if she's sick .”)

Transitions are not included between paragraphs and between sentences. (“I am a pumpkin and i need them to pike me up from the garden because when you are little you are still there then when you get bigger they pike you up. they need pumpkin's for they can put them like jackolanter's for they can scare the kid's in halloween. they can use the pumpkin's to eat them to. they can make pie's and cakes so they can make a party. they can make some thing else like doing some thing for there grandma like if she's sick .”)

Language Use & Style

The essay’s use of language and style is minimal. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in MY Access! Word Bank.) (“I am a pumpkin and i need them to pike me up from the garden because when you are little you are still there then when you get bigger they pike you up. they need pumpkin's for they can put them like jackolanter's for they can scare the kid's in halloween. they can use the pumpkin's to eat them to. they can make pie's and cakes so they can make a party. they can make some thing else like doing some thing for there grandma like if she's sick .”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“I am a pumpkin and i need them to pike me up from the garden because when you are little you are still there then when you get bigger they pike you up. they need pumpkin's for they can put them like jackolanter's for they can scare the kid's in halloween. they can use the pumpkin's to eat them to. they can make pie's and cakes so they can make a party. they can make some thing else like doing some thing for there grandma like if she's sick .”)

Sentences in the essay are too long and have too many ideas. (“I am a pumpkin and i need them to pike me up from the garden because when you are little you are still there then when you get bigger they pike you up. they need pumpkin's for they can put them like jackolanter's for they can scare the kid's in halloween. they can use the pumpkin's to eat them to. they can make pie's and cakes so they can make a party. they can make some thing else like doing some thing for there grandma like if she's sick .”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay shows minimal control of mechanics and conventions. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“I am a pumpkin and i need them to pike me up from the garden because when you are little you are still there then when you get bigger they pike you up. they need pumpkin's for they can put them like jackolanter's for they can scare the kid's in halloween. they can use the pumpkin's to eat them to. they can make pie's and cakes so they can make a party. they can make some thing else like doing some thing for there grandma like if she's sick .”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

if i was a pumkin a little girl or boy shod pick mebe cuze i will be shiny orange coler.and i wood look scary or funny as one of thos.and the kide who pickt me wood get me for 2doller's.and usuly the pumkin's cost 5doller's. and wine you put a candole in me i wood be happy but you wood not know that i am.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits inadequate focus and meaning. It demonstrates almost no effort at stating an opinion, little effort is made to persuade, and few parts of the task are completed.

The essay does not state a clearly defined position about the issue. (“if i was a pumkin a little girl or boy shod pick mebe cuze i will be shiny orange coler.and i wood look scary or funny as one of thos.and the kide who pickt me wood get me for 2doller's.and usuly the pumkin's cost 5doller's. and wine you put a candole in me i wood be happy but you wood not know that i am.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by using appropriate language. (“if i was a pumkin a little girl or boy shod pick mebe cuze i will be shiny orange coler.and i wood look scary or funny as one of thos.and the kide who pickt me wood get me for 2doller's.and usuly the pumkin's cost 5doller's. and wine you put a candole in me i wood be happy but you wood not know that i am.”)

The essay lacks awareness of audience by including slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“if i was a pumkin a little girl or boy shod pick mebe cuze i will be shiny orange coler.and i wood look scary or funny as one of thos.and the kide who pickt me wood get me for 2doller's.and usuly the pumkin's cost 5doller's. and wine you put a candole in me i wood be happy but you wood not know that i am.”)

Content & Development

C ontent and development within the essay are inadequate. L ittle attempt is made to use details to support the arguments and the writer ’s position.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. (“if i was a pumkin a little girl or boy shod pick mebe cuze i will be shiny orange coler.and i wood look scary or funny as one of thos.and the kide who pickt me wood get me for 2doller's.and usuly the pumkin's cost 5doller's. and wine you put a candole in me i wood be happy but you wood not know that i am.”)

At least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument. (“if i was a pumkin a little girl or boy shod pick mebe cuze i will be shiny orange coler.and i wood look scary or funny as one of thos.and the kide who pickt me wood get me for 2doller's.and usuly the pumkin's cost 5doller's. and wine you put a candole in me i wood be happy but you wood not know that i am.”)

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support each main idea. (“if i was a pumkin a little girl or boy shod pick mebe cuze i will be shiny orange coler.and i wood look scary or funny as one of thos.and the kide who pickt me wood get me for 2doller's.and usuly the pumkin's cost 5doller's. and wine you put a candole in me i wood be happy but you wood not know that i am.”)

Organization

The essay features inadequate organization. It demonstrates no evidence of structure with no introduction or conclusion and no evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“if i was a pumkin a little girl or boy shod pick mebe cuze i will be shiny orange coler.and i wood look scary or funny as one of thos.and the kide who pickt me wood get me for 2doller's.and usuly the pumkin's cost 5doller's. and wine you put a candole in me i wood be happy but you wood not know that i am.”)

Transitions are not included between paragraphs and between sentences. (“if i was a pumkin a little girl or boy shod pick mebe cuze i will be shiny orange coler.and i wood look scary or funny as one of thos.and the kide who pickt me wood get me for 2doller's.and usuly the pumkin's cost 5doller's. and wine you put a candole in me i wood be happy but you wood not know that i am.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion or any conclusion at all. (“if i was a pumkin a little girl or boy shod pick mebe cuze i will be shiny orange coler.and i wood look scary or funny as one of thos.and the kide who pickt me wood get me for 2doller's.and usuly the pumkin's cost 5doller's. and wine you put a candole in me i wood be happy but you wood not know that i am.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style is inadequate. The writing demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“if i was a pumkin a little girl or boy shod pick mebe cuze i will be shiny orange coler.and i wood look scary or funny as one of thos.and the kide who pickt me wood get me for 2doller's.and usuly the pumkin's cost 5doller's. and wine you put a candole in me i wood be happy but you wood not know that i am.”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“if i was a pumkin a little girl or boy shod pick mebe cuze i will be shiny orange coler.and i wood look scary or funny as one of thos.and the kide who pickt me wood get me for 2doller's.and usuly the pumkin's cost 5doller's. and wine you put a candole in me i wood be happy but you wood not know that i am.”)

Sentences in the essay are too long and contain too many ideas. (“if i was a pumkin a little girl or boy shod pick mebe cuze i will be shiny orange coler.and i wood look scary or funny as one of thos.and the kide who pickt me wood get me for 2doller's.and usuly the pumkin's cost 5doller's. and wine you put a candole in me i wood be happy but you wood not know that i am.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay illustrates inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. Errors are so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“if i was a pumkin a little girl or boy shod pick mebe cuze i will be shiny orange coler.and i wood look scary or funny as one of thos.and the kide who pickt me wood get me for 2doller's.and usuly the pumkin's cost 5doller's. and wine you put a candole in me i wood be happy but you wood not know that i am.”)

Robot Teacher

Some schools in South Korea are using robots as teachers. Would you want to have a robot for a teacher? What might be some advantages to having a robot for a teacher? What might be some disadvantages?

In a detailed essay, defend your position on the use of robots as teachers. Include facts, details, and examples to support your position.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

What would you do if you had a robot, or rather, what if that robot was your teacher? Rumor has it that in South Korea robots are actually teaching. Is this a possible alternative we will see in our future? Will a robot teacher effect one's education? I believe robots should not replace human teachers because of major drawbacks that come with robot technology. Robots show no emotions that could feed a student's desire to learn. Also robots can't discipline correctly or address a personal problem of an individual.

Robots don't have emotions that can help a student's enjoyment of learning. Most students would probably prefer a teacher who makes learning fun. A monotone, droning robot could make a student lose interest in learning. Though fun learning is always needed, strict teachers help keep students in line. Robots can't be fun or strict. In fact, robots don't show any emotions at all. Imagine a student in need of learning. He is front of a robot teacher who is droning on and on. He is bored, and is starting to lose interest in the lesson. Is this student really learning? Now picture the same child in front of a robot that isn't strict. The whole class is playing, laughing, and running around. Even the students who try to pay attention are getting easily distracted. Is anyone learning here either? Most students aren't most likely learning. If this happens students would become reckless, and how would the robot handle that?

Robots don't have any disciplinary motives. When a child gets out of control, only other humans could stop him/her. Robots could only repeatedly warn them while the student just ignores it. If the robot could do something, it could be a method that most would disagree with, like a shock or a whack on the head. Students could also find ways to tamper with, confuse, or just plain out destroy a robot without it being able to do anything. The robots wouldn't have any consequences set out for deeds like this. Even if they did, the robot wouldn't be able to do a thing. Only human teachers could cover a student's personal problems.

Human teachers are able to help an individual as well as a class. Robots have specific instructions they need to carry out. Any changes of the subject wouldn't be in the robot's data base. The off subject learning helps a student understand the main concept well. Any emotional or physical problems couldn't be handled by a robot, whose only goal is to teach the students. Only teachers could talk one-on-one with a needy student and set things straight. For example, if a student had a mental disability, and needed different methods of teaching, the robot would treat him/her like any other student. The needy child wouldn't learn anything and be confused about the subject. He/she might even not know what was going on. Only a human teacher could address his problems and use different methods of teaching to help him/her. Also, what if one student asks a question that a robot isn't programmed to know? Only humans would have the right amount of schema to answer those questions.

There are some people that disagree. Some say robots are cheaper than the salaries we need to pay teachers. However, human teachers are still needed more than robots in society because the economy will fall because of the job losses. The economy would create bigger costs than the salaries do today. Also the salaries that we would normally be paying teachers will go to maintenance men and programmers. This would create the economy's price plus the salaries and plus the robot's cost. This would create bigger costs than what we have to pay now.

Therefore, robots are not suitable for what the teaching of students requires. This is because robots have no emotions, they don't have appropriate discipline measures, and they can't address an individual's problems. So, unless robot technologies get better, never support the replacement of humans by robots.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning . It establishes and maintains an insightful opinion or thesis statement to effectively persuade readers. It demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, completes all parts of the task, and may go beyond the limits of the task. The writer grabs the readers’ attention by effectively using a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact at the beginning of the introduction. (“What would you do if you had a robot, or rather, what if that robot was your teacher?”) Background information helps the readers understand the purpose of the response. (“Rumor has it that in South Korea robots are actually teaching.”) All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience and does not use slang or other versions of informal language. Essays at this level rarely, if ever, contain irrelevant information, although they may occasionally contain information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information does not impede meaning.

Content & Development

The essay has very effective content and development. It effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant detail to support the writer’s position. The essay convincingly addresses readers’ opposing points of view, counterarguments, or concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. The writer begins a paragraph with a counterargument and opposes it throughout the paragraph. (“There are some people that disagree. Some say robots are cheaper than the salaries we need to pay teachers.”) Overall, details are convincing. (“A monotone, droning robot could make a student lose interest in learning.”) The writer shows strong insights into the various outcomes that could result from having a robot teacher.

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. There is effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout. Essays at this level always use paragraphs to separate ideas. The introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. The essay effectively uses transitional devices to lead his/her readers to the conclusion. (“Therefore, robots are not suitable for what the teaching of students requires.”) Paragraphs are used very effectively and are presented in a logical order.

Language Use & Style

The essay has very effective language use and style. It demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, a clear sense of audience, and uses well-structured and varied sentences. The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“For example, if a student had a mental disability, and needed different methods of teaching, the robot would treat him/her like any other student.”) Essays at this level rarely contain minor errors in language usage or style, and the majority of the content is clear and correct. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors that are present rarely, if ever, impede meaning, and readers can usually infer the author’s intent.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of conventions and mechanics. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break or indentation, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. Essays at this level rarely contain errors in mechanics and conventions, and errors that are present never impede meaning. In this case, the author occasionally forgets to use proper punctuation like commas. (“Also robots can't discipline correctly or address a personal problem of an individual.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

What would you do if you walked into class, and a robot was in the teacher's seat? Schools in South Korea are actually replacing real teachers with robots! I think humans should be teachers because, having a robot teacher would be terrible! It, doesn't have any feelings and couldn't help anyone with certain problems, like emotional ones, the voice it has is so not encouraging and it is probably not programmed to have emotions. A human doesn't cost as much as a robot with all its parts and electronics. A robot couldn't discipline or control so with someone causing mayhem it wouldn't be able to stop that person, and a student could turn into the worst possible student ever.

Human teachers can actually discipline a student accordingly which is good for us. A robot can't have disciplinary actions, so the class can go wild and learn bad manners. Whereas a human teacher can stop a wretched student from being disruptive and a robot could just be like, "Stop and return to your seat." Like that would help. Maybe a human could send that person to detention, and the student could realize his or her mistake and not do it again.

If someone has a problem, like a personal or emotional one, a robot is not where to go to. Say; a student's parents fight, a robot might not understand because feelings can't be put into a machine, the robot might say something else that isn't relevant, or the robot could say the wrong thing and make that person feel worse.

Robots are also very expensive. One robot could cost as much as ten humans, maybe more or maybe less. The time used to make robots is consuming, and the parts that are needed to create a robot could be used to make other, more useful things, and the robot might not work if you don't know what you're doing, and all the time and money spent just goes down the drain.

Some people say humans cost more than robots and robots are superior. However, robots are actually more expensive than multiple humans. Human teachers are better than robot teachers because humans have feelings and can get to know you, a real teacher could discipline bad students, and robots cost more than humans.

So humans are better than robots because a human has feelings and could help with problems a robot couldn't help with, humans don't cost as much as robots do (a human takes a few months to be born, and a robot could take years to be built). They are expensive. And they are not better than teachers.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has good focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains a clear thesis statement to persuade the readers. It d emonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience and completes most parts of the task. All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. The language of the thesis fits the examples well. The author does use some sarcasm, but it is in context and does not distract from the message. (“Like that would help.”) The majority of the content is clear and professional. Essays at this level never contain irrelevant information, although they may occasionally contain information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information does not impede meaning.

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. It develops arguments using sufficient specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. It clearly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The essay addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with the thesis by directly offering a counterargument. (“Some people say humans cost more than robots and robots are superior.”) The author attempts to provide evidence to counter this opinion. (“Human teachers are better than robot teachers because humans have feelings and can get to know you, a real teacher could discipline bad students, and robots cost more than humans.”) Real-world examples like this help to improve the essay’s credibility.

Organization

The essay has good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. Essays at this level almost always use paragraphing to help separate ideas, usually with a clearly defined topic sentence at the beginning to help define that paragraph’s content. The introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. (“What would you do if you walked into class, and a robot was in the teacher's seat?”) The introduction gives background information to help readers understand the issue. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Robots are also very expensive.”) The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about. It provides readers with some sense of closure, but it does not end as smoothly as the level 6 essay. (“They are expensive. And they are not better than teachers.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has good language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, some evidence of voice, a clear sense of audience, and well-structured sentences with some variety. The essay uses language to make the arguments more persuasive. Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. Essays at this level rarely contain minor errors in language usage or style, and the majority of the content is clear and correct. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors that are present never impede meaning. In this case, the author occasionally uses some fragmented or run-on sentences, but readers can infer the author’s intent. (“The time used to make robots is consuming, and the parts that are needed to create a robot could be used to make other, more useful things, and the robot might not work if you don't know what you're doing, and all the time and money spent just goes down the drain.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of conventions and mechanics. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, most or all sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with a punctuation mark, paragraphs are distinguished by a line break or indentation, and sentences begin with a capital letter. Essays at this level rarely contain errors in mechanics and conventions, and errors that are present never impede meaning.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Do you want a robot as a teacher? Robots would make bad teachers. A problem with robots as teachers would be they might malfunction. They would also use no expressions to help you understand. Robots are not as creative as humans.

Robots would not use expressions. So when you are not being good robots can't get mad at you. Robot can't help you when you are feeling sad. When you are doing a good job a robot cant smile at you.

Next it would be hard for robots to be creative. Robots would not be creative. When they are not creative, lessons get very boring. Some fun stories help you learn. Some students want to be creative, but it is difficult to when your teacher is not creative.

Furthermore robots would have a chance to malfunction. Robots might malfunction then it would take a while to fix them. Students might get out of control, and robots can't discipline them. Robots can't fix themselves. So if they say something wrong they won't even notice. Robots don't know everything. Only the information their programmer put in them.

Some people who disagree think it is good to have new technology in the classroom. However robots would not make as good teachers. The new technogloy would distract the students.

Robots would make bad teachers. Robots might malfunction. They are also not as creative. Robots can't use facial expressions. So I think human are better teachers. So lets make sure that we give students a chance and make sure no robots are teachers.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It establishes an opinion/position or thesis statement and adequately attempts to persuade the readers . It demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience and completes many parts of the task. The introduction is not particularly creative, but it does provide readers with a clue as to the purpose of the essay. (“ Do you want a robot as a teacher? Robots would make bad teachers.”) The language of the thesis fits the examples. The essay mostly uses words that are appropriate for the audience and rarely or does not use slang or other versions of informal language. Essays at this level rarely contain irrelevant information, although they may occasionally contain information that is only tangentially related to the topic. This type of additional information rarely impedes meaning, but it may occasionally distract from the thesis. Most or all of the information is clearly on topic.

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. It develops arguments using some specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. It adequately addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The writer includes some facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that illustrate his/her opinion. (“So when you are not being good robots can't get mad at you.”) Supporting details help to improve the main ideas in each paragraph. (“When you are doing a good job a robot cant smile at you.”) Finally, the author attempts to directly refute criticism. (“Some people who disagree think it is good to have new technology in the classroom.” “However robots would not make as good teachers. The new technogloy would distract the students.”) Additional details would improve the essay’s credibility.

Organization

The essay has adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion and inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. Essays at this level almost always use some form of paragraphing to help separate ideas, although it is not absolutely essential if the ideas are clearly separated through transitions or other methods of organization. The introduction is not very creative, but it does help readers understand the purpose of the essay. (“ Do you want a robot as a teacher? Robots would make bad teachers.”) Transitions are used throughout with some effectiveness. (“However robots would not make as good teachers.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has adequate language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, an awareness of audience and control of voice, and generally correct sentence structure with some variety. Sentence lengths are adequately varied. The writer sometimes uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. Word choices are sometimes poor, and some sentences are a bit simplistic. (“Robots would not be creative.”) Essays at this level occasionally contain minor errors in language usage or style, but the majority of the content in this essay is clear and correct. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors that are present rarely impede meaning, and readers can usually infer the author’s intent. (“However robots would not make as good teachers.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb, many sentences end with a punctuation mark, many paragraphs are distinguished by a line break or indentation, and many sentences begin with a capital letter. Essays at this level contain few errors in mechanics and conventions, and errors that are present rarely impede meaning. (“ The new technogloy would distract the students.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I would like a robot for a teacher. Her name would be Mrs.Dunning. Than we can learn about electronics more. We could have more fun. We could have more resses.

Then we can learn more about electronics since Mrs.Dunning is electronic! She's electronic so, more electronic. More electronics more fun.

We could have more fun... Like science projects in side the class room, and maybe make them explode! More resses, maybe on a micanical playground! More explosive science project's! More fun, more exsersise.

We could have more resess... More resses more fun! Mrs. Dunning’s just going to give us home work for home, the rest resses! Then when we get home the homework robot will do our home work for us!

Then we can learn more about electronics. We mite be able to have more fun? We could have more resses. See having a robot for a teacher is not all bad. In fact it's quit fun.

The Mrs.Dunning mite be strict like, really strict!

P.S. This mite change you mind about having a robot for a teacher. So what do you think? What I think, it would be fun to have a robot for a teacher. The robot teacher mite give us donuts.Or other candy, but you never know.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It states an opinion/position or thesis statement, but it may be unclear or underdeveloped. The writer also demonstrates limited understanding of the purpose and audience but does complete some parts of the task. For example, the author provides an introduction that clearly establishes the purpose of the essay. (“I would like a robot for a teacher.”) However, additional background information to help readers understand the origin of the essay is not provided. The language is somewhat informal. Occasionally, there may be some off-topic information that isn’t clearly linked to the main idea. (“Then we can learn more about electronics. We mite be able to have more fun?”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. It develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support the writer’s position. Many of the ideas are repeated. (“ Then we can learn more about electronics since Mrs.Dunning is electronic!”) New ideas are necessary to provide the essay with credibility. Other ideas are not fully developed and have few, if any, supporting details. (“The Mrs.Dunning mite be strict like, really strict!”) Little or no attempt is made to directly address the concerns of other students or faculty.

Organization

The essay has limited organization. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. It may lack paragraphing and some transitional devices. Essays at this level usually use some form of paragraphing to help separate ideas. In this case, the author does provide some paragraph breaks, but they do not successfully separate ideas into clearly defined sections. Many ideas are repeated throughout the essay. Transitions are rare. Finally, the essay has a poorly constructed conclusion that does little to provide the readers with a sense of closure. (“ P.S. This mite change you mind about having a robot for a teacher.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has limited language use and style. It demonstrates simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice. The essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. Sentences in the essay lack well-developed structure. (“We could have more resess... More resses more fun!”) Essays at this level tend to have significant errors in language usage and style. Oddly phrased sentences and other errors that are present may impede meaning.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has limited control of conventions and mechanics. It has several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence is indented when beginning a new paragraph, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing. Essays at this level contain some errors in mechanics and conventions, and errors that are present may impede meaning. (“ The Mrs.Dunning mite be strict like, really strict!”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

I don't like the idea of robot teachers. Here are some reasons. Robots will take jobs, so people won't have jobs. So then people won't have get the money they need. Also they might brake. Then kids will go crazy. Also if schools aren't using their money the right way, they could go bankrupt. Then the school will shut down. Also they might get a virus and explode, then kill someone.

The main reason is they can explode and kill someone.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. It demonstrates little attempt at stating an opinion. It demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and c ompletes few parts of the task. The essay does include a thesis, but it does not provide readers with much background information to understand the essay’s purpose. (“I don't like the idea of robot teachers. Here are some reasons.”) The language is often informal. Many of the ideas introduced are only tangentially related to the main idea, or ideas are not fully explained. (“Also if schools aren't using their money the right way, they could go bankrupt.”) The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using inappropriate or informal language to address the intended readers.

Content & Development

The essay has minimal content and development. It develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position. The essay may or may not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the opinion statement. The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. Each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. Minimal details are used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“The main reason is they can explode and kill someone.”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. It demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion as well as little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. Essays at this level may or may not use paragraphing to separate ideas. The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact to hook the readers. There is very little use of paragraphing. There are no transitions. Finally, there is no conclusion, and the essay ends very abruptly. (“ The main reason is they can explode and kill someone.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has minimal language use and style. It demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage. The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. Sentences in the essay are not well-structured. Many sentences are either fragmented or are very simplistic. (“Also they might brake. Then kids will go crazy.”) Essays at this level often have problems in language usage and style. Poorly phrased sentences and other errors that are present may impede meaning.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has minimal control of conventions and mechanics. It has patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not ensure each sentence contains a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence is indented when beginning a new paragraph, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing. Essays at this level contain errors in mechanics and conventions, and errors that are present may impede meaning. In this case, there are some fragmented sentences and inconsistent comma usage. (“Also they might get a virus and explode, then kill someone.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Good thin about having a robot teacher are it saves money for some peope. The kids can turn them on and off, (program them).They have no emotions at all. They nver gie homework I think having a robot teacher would be awesome, because they would be nie.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate or no focus and meaning. It demonstrates almost no effort at stating an opinion/position or thesis statement, and little effort is made to persuade. It completes few or no parts of the task. The essay does not state a clearly defined position about the issue. It is very difficult to understand the author’s intent without prior knowledge of the prompt. Information that is provided is very simplistic. (“Good thin about having a robot teacher are it saves money for some peope.”) The tone is largely inappropriate for the audience. Some information may be off topic.

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate or no content and development. There is little or no attempt is made to use details to support the arguments and the writer ’s position. It does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The essay does not or includes very few details to support the stated opinion. There are no main ideas in the body paragraphs. At least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument. The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support each main idea. The few ideas that are presented are not supported with additional details. (“They have no emotions at all.”)

Organization

The essay has inadequate or no organization. It demonstrates no evidence of structure with no introduction or conclusion. It has no evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. Some essays at this level may include a few of these features, but in this case, the author fails to organize the information in any way. There is no introduction or conclusion. Background information is not provided. (“Good thin about having a robot teacher are it saves money for some peope.”) Transitions and paragraph breaks are not used.

Language Use & Style

The essay has inadequate language use and style. It demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. Sentences in the essay are not well-structured. Sentences are often too short and provide very little supporting detail. (“The kids can turn them on and off.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has inadequate or no control of conventions and mechanics. It has errors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence is indented when beginning of a new paragraph, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing. Essays at this level contain errors in mechanics and conventions, and errors that are present often impede meaning. (“They nver gie homework.”)

Save My Favorite Show

Your local television network has just announced plans to take your favorite television show off the air. Write a persuasive letter to the network and state why your show should be kept on the air. Be sure to discuss what makes your show special for you and everyone else.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Local Television Network,

Remember when you were a little kid and you had a favorite T.V. show? Well, think about it; how you would have felt if it was in danger of being canceled? Your local television network has just announced their plans to take my favorite T.V. show, Make It or Break It, off the air. Even though your network thinks my show should be canceled, there are many valid reasons why Make It or Break It should remain on television. As can be seen, everyone has a favorite T.V. show that if canceled, would cause them deep, emotional pain. Please do not let me be one of your cancellation casualties.

Primarily, Make It or Break It is worthy of saving because it is very entertaining. To entertain means to receive and provide for as hosted. The most entertaining thing is that you get to watch all of the gymnasts compete. Make It or Break It is when the girls went to the Olympics and Payson (the best gymnast out of all of the girls) fell off of bars and broke her back. All of the drama between the girls at her gym is also very entertaining. To explain the most entertaining part about the T.V. show is when the girls' coach does a layout. A layout is when one jumps up in the air and flips backwards and stays straight the whole time. To summarize, this writer thinks that Make It or Break It should stay on television because it is so entertaining.

The girls at the gym are very dramatic. There is always new drama starting up at the gym, and anywhere else they go! When the girls at the gym got a gym buddy, it weaved a complicated web of new drama and dynamics between all of them. Also, when the new girl started training, the other girls started to get jealous because she was notably talented. The girls did not like the new girl, Emily, so they tried so many different ways to get her ostracized from the gym. Sadly, none of their plans came to fruition. To conclude, having some drama in a T.V. show keeps it interesting and leaving you wanting to come back for more.

Make It or Break It is somewhat a serious gymnastics T.V. show. For example, when one is a gymnast then they have to be serious at all times and very hard working at the gym. If working on a routine in gymnastics, there is no room or time for any mistakes. To explain when a gymnast falls off of bars, or beam, or even does something wrong, they do not get up and start laughing. One sees them get back up and do it again. In brief, Make It or Break It should remain on television because it is just that good and serious; especially for the devoted gymnasts out there who aspire to great things in their field of interest.

Though I feel there are many reasons why Make It or Break It should be saved, the television network senses there are several valid reasons why it should be canceled. The television network may think that Make It or Break It should be canceled because the girls use inappropriate language. This writer, however, knows that taking Make It or Break It off of T.V.is an abhorrent decision. Excluding this show from the network line up because of the language and style of conversation belittles the culture teenagers and devoted gymnasts deal with in their real lives. Another reason why your T.V. network might want to take it off air is because the girls are setting a bad example for little kids by going to illegal drinking parties. However, when the girls are portrayed as going to these parties, they do not drink because they know that it will hurt their gymnastics career, goals, and aspirations. If anything, this would serve as a public service announcement to denounce the evils of drinking and other anti-youth activities. In conclusion, your television network feels that Make It or Break It should be canceled; the writer adamantly does not feel that way.

There are many reasons why Make It or Break It should remain on television because it is very entertaining it is somewhat dramatic, and it is very serious. Make it or Break It is very entertaining because of all of the gymnastics. It should also remain on television because the girls are a little bit dramatic, and a little bit of drama is always good. One more reason is because it is very serious. Due to the reasons stated above, I strongly feel that my favorite T.V. show, Make It or Break It, should be saved from cancellation. Please consider all my points as representative of many fine athletes who are out here pleading with you to do the right thing: save our show!

Sincerely,

Sarah

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

After the writer grabs the readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinionative statement. (“Remember when you were a little kid and you had a favorite T.V. show? Well, think about it; how you would have felt if it was in danger of being canceled? Your local television network has just announced their plans to take my favorite T.V. show, Make It or Break It, off the air. Even though your network thinks my show should be canceled, there are many valid reasons why Make It or Break It should remain on television. As can be seen, everyone has a favorite T.V. show that if canceled, would cause them deep, emotional pain. Please do not let me be one of your cancellation casualties.”)

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Make It or Break It is somewhat a serious gymnastics T.V. show. For example, when one is a gymnast then they have to be serious at all times and very hard working at the gym. If working on a routine in gymnastics, there is no room or time for any mistakes. To explain when a gymnast falls off of bars, or beam, or even does something wrong, they do not get up and start laughing. One sees them get back up and do it again. In brief, Make It or Break It should remain on television because it is just that good and serious; especially for the devoted gymnasts out there who aspire to great things in their field of interest.”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for the purpose of convincing the intended audience of his/her point of view. (“However, when the girls are portrayed as going to these parties, they do not drink because they know that it will hurt their gymnastics career, goals, and aspirations. If anything, this would serve as a public service announcement to denounce the evils of drinking and other anti-youth activities. In conclusion, your television network feels that Make It or Break It should be canceled; the writer adamantly does not feel that way.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion that his/her favorite television show, Make It or Break It , should not be canceled. (“The girls at the gym are very dramatic. There is always new drama starting up at the gym, and anywhere else they go! When the girls at the gym got a gym buddy, it weaved a complicated web of new drama and dynamics between all of them. Also, when the new girl started training, the other girls started to get jealous because she was notably talented. The girls did not like the new girl, Emily, so they tried so many different ways to get her ostracized from the gym. Sadly, none of their plans came to fruition. To conclude, having some drama in a T.V. show keeps it interesting and leaving you wanting to come back for more.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue of saving the television show Make It or Break It . The essay aptly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“Though I feel there are many reasons why Make It or Break It should be saved, the television network senses there are several valid reasons why it should be canceled. The television network may think that Make It or Break It should be canceled because the girls use inappropriate language. This writer, however, knows that taking Make It or Break It off of T.V.is an abhorrent decision. Excluding this show from the network line up because of the language and style of conversation belittles the culture teenagers and devoted gymnasts deal with in their real lives. Another reason why your T.V. network might want to take it off air is because the girls are setting a bad example for little kids by going to illegal drinking parties. However, when the girls are portrayed as going to these parties, they do not drink because they know that it will hurt their gymnastics career, goals, and aspirations. If anything, this would serve as a public service announcement to denounce the evils of drinking and other anti-youth activities. In conclusion, your television network feels that Make It or Break It should be canceled; the writer adamantly does not feel that way.”)

The writer effectively includes some personal anecdotes that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“Make It or Break It is somewhat a serious gymnastics T.V. show. For example, when one is a gymnast then they have to be serious at all times and very hard working at the gym. If working on a routine in gymnastics, there is no room or time for any mistakes. To explain when a gymnast falls off of bars, or beam, or even does something wrong, they do not get up and start laughing. One sees them get back up and do it again. In brief, Make It or Break It should remain on television because it is just that good and serious; especially for the devoted gymnasts out there who aspire to great things in their field of interest.”)

The details in the paragraphs make the essay more persuasive by including a challenge to readers. (“Due to the reasons stated above, I strongly feel that my favorite T.V. show, Make It or Break It, should be saved from cancellation. Please consider all my points as representative of many fine athletes who are out here pleading with you to do the right thing: save our show!”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction is creative and grabs readers’ attention. (“Remember when you were a little kid and you had a favorite T.V. show? Well, think about it; how you would have felt if it was in danger of being canceled? Your local television network has just announced their plans to take my favorite T.V. show, Make It or Break It, off the air. Even though your network thinks my show should be canceled, there are many valid reasons why Make It or Break It should remain on television. As can be seen, everyone has a favorite T.V. show that if canceled, would cause them deep, emotional pain. Please do not let me be one of your cancellation casualties.”)

The writer uses transitions to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Primarily, Make It or Break It is worthy of saving because it is very entertaining. To entertain means to receive and provide for as hosted. The most entertaining thing is that you get to watch all of the gymnasts compete. Make It or Break It is when the girls went to the Olympics and Payson (the best gymnast out of all of the girls) fell off of bars and broke her back. All of the drama between the girls at her gym is also very entertaining.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument and leaves readers with a request to consider the writer’s points before arriving at a decision. (“Due to the reasons stated above, I strongly feel that my favorite T.V. show, Make It or Break It, should be saved from cancellation. Please consider all my points as representative of many fine athletes who are out here pleading with you to do the right thing: save our show! Sincerely, Sarah”)

Language Use & Style

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Your local television network has just announced their plans to take my favorite T.V. show, Make It or Break It, off the air. Even though your network thinks my show should be canceled, there are many valid reasons why Make It or Break It should remain on television. As can be seen, everyone has a favorite T.V. show that if canceled, would cause them deep, emotional pain. Please do not let me be one of your cancellation casualties.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“When the girls at the gym got a gym buddy, it weaved a complicated web of new drama and dynamics between all of them. Also, when the new girl started training, the other girls started to get jealous because she was notably talented. The girls did not like the new girl, Emily, so they tried so many different ways to get her ostracized from the gym. Sadly, none of their plans came to fruition. To conclude, having some drama in a T.V. show keeps it interesting and leaving you wanting to come back for more.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“There are many reasons why Make It or Break It should remain on television because it is very entertaining it is somewhat dramatic, and it is very serious. Make it or Break It is very entertaining because of all of the gymnastics. It should also remain on television because the girls are a little bit dramatic, and a little bit of drama is always good. One more reason is because it is very serious. Due to the reasons stated above, I strongly feel that my favorite T.V. show, Make It or Break It, should be saved from cancellation. Please consider all my points as representative of many fine athletes who are out here pleading with you to do the right thing: save our show!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“Though I feel there are many reasons why Make It or Break It should be saved, the television network senses there are several valid reasons why it should be canceled. The television network may think that Make It or Break It should be canceled because the girls use inappropriate language. This writer, however, knows that taking Make It or Break It off of T.V.is an abhorrent decision.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

How could you cancel the best show ever? First of all, what would you replace the show with, a 60's show or something? Before you take Survivor off the air, I have some suggestions to switch your decision. The show, Survivor, is excellent entertainment because it shows the contestants testing themselves, and it shows how people from all over the country can bond and assimilate to the tropical weather. It also teaches the viewer that when people lie, they shouldn't win, and they usually don't.

First off, if you don't let people test themselves, they probably think they can't accomplish anything. First, it is hard for them to find food on the island. They have to climb trees to get coconuts and they also have to go into the ocean to get fish and other shellfish. During Survivor, they have physical challenges that test the contestants to see how strong they are. Lastly, I think sleeping without shelter when it is raining is harsh, and sometimes they have to do it. All in all, I think Survivor is a terrific show because it tests people to find food, make shelter, and to win hard challenges.

Secondly, it has people on the show from all over the country. It shows people from different backgrounds and how they can work together on team challenges just to survive. Each person uses their different skills. Survivor is also like the U.S.A. The U.S.A. is made up of different kinds of people: different kinds of religions, different races, rich, and poor. If they get along, they can have a nice camp and win challenges. I just think that is just so amazing how they can come together, win challenges, and overcome so many different obstacles.

Some might disagree and say the show should be canceled because there is too much lying to win. Most people think you have to lie to win. But all you have to do to win is be friends with people, and as a team, win challenges. I agree that dishonesty is never the way to win. Lying people should never win good things. Sometimes contestants lie to vote people out or for the lying person, to stay in the game longer. If you lie too much, people won't vote you to win the million dollars. Even though people lie on the show, they don't get the prize they were lying for.

Survivor is a great show. It can teach us great things and how to get along. Therefore, you can't cancel Survivor. If you get rid of this show, you would get rid of people testing themselves, showing different people from all over the country getting along and winning challenges, and showing that lying people should never win. We HAVE to contact CBS to keep Survivor on the air. And if they deny, I will keep arguing until they say, "Okay we will keep Survivor on the air." After that statement, I will be so relieved.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the essay are good. The essay satisfies most parts of the task. The writer establishes and maintains a clear position on the issue of saving the television show Survivor to persuade readers. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer grabs readers’ attention by beginning with a question, a quotation, or a surprising fact. (“How could you cancel the best show ever? First of all, what would you replace the show with, a 60's show or something? Before you take Survivor off the air, I have some suggestions to switch your decision. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“The show, Survivor, is excellent entertainment because it shows the contestants testing themselves, and it shows how people from all over the country can bond and assimilate to the tropical weather. It also teaches the viewer that when people lie, they shouldn't win, and they usually don't.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“Some might disagree and say the show should be canceled because there is too much lying to win. Most people think you have to lie to win. But all you have to do to win is be friends with people, and as a team, win challenges. I agree that dishonesty is never the way to win. Lying people should never win good things. Sometimes contestants lie to vote people out or for the lying person, to stay in the game longer. If you lie too much, people won't vote you to win the million dollars. Even though people lie on the show, they don't get the prize they were lying for.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides good development of ideas and content. The essay develops arguments using sufficient specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. The writer clearly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Some might disagree and say the show should be canceled because there is too much lying to win. Most people think you have to lie to win. But all you have to do to win is be friends with people, and as a team, win challenges. I agree that dishonesty is never the way to win. Lying people should never win good things. Sometimes contestants lie to vote people out or for the lying person, to stay in the game longer. If you lie too much, people won't vote you to win the million dollars. Even though people lie on the show, they don't get the prize they were lying for.”)

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“First off, if you don't let people test themselves, they probably think they can't accomplish anything. First, it is hard for them to find food on the island. They have to climb trees to get coconuts and they also have to go into the ocean to get fish and other shellfish. During Survivor, they have physical challenges that test the contestants to see how strong they are. Lastly, I think sleeping without shelter when it is raining is harsh, and sometimes they have to do it. All in all, I think Survivor is a terrific show because it tests people to find food, make shelter, and to win hard challenges.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“Secondly, it has people on the show from all over the country. It shows people from different backgrounds and how they can work together on team challenges just to survive. Each person uses their different skills. Survivor is also like the U.S.A. The U.S.A. is made up of different kinds of people: different kinds of religions, different races, rich, and poor. If they get along, they can have a nice camp and win challenges. I just think that is just so amazing how they can come together, win challenges, and overcome so many different obstacles.”)

Organization

The writer clearly states the thesis during the introduction. (“How could you cancel the best show ever? First of all, what would you replace the show with, a 60's show or something? Before you take Survivor off the air, I have some suggestions to switch your decision. The show, Survivor, is excellent entertainment because it shows the contestants testing themselves, and it shows how people from all over the country can bond and assimilate to the tropical weather. It also teaches the viewer that when people lie, they shouldn't win, and they usually don't. ”)

Transitions between paragraphs and between sentences help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“First off, if you don't let people test themselves, they probably think they can't accomplish anything. First, it is hard for them to find food on the island. They have to climb trees to get coconuts and they also have to go into the ocean to get fish and other shellfish. During Survivor, they have physical challenges that test the contestants to see how strong they are. Lastly, I think sleeping without shelter when it is raining is harsh, and sometimes they have to do it. All in all, I think Survivor is a terrific show because it tests people to find food, make shelter, and to win hard challenges.”)

The conclusion wraps up the writer’s argument and leaves readers with something to think about. (“Survivor is a great show. It can teach us great things and how to get along. Therefore, you can't cancel Survivor. If you get rid of this show, you would get rid of people testing themselves, showing different people from all over the country getting along and winning challenges, and showing that lying people should never win. We HAVE to contact CBS to keep Survivor on the air. And if they deny, I will keep arguing until they say, ‘Okay we will keep Survivor on the air.’ After that statement, I will be so relieved.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“How could you cancel the best show ever? First of all, what would you replace the show with, a 60's show or something? Before you take Survivor off the air, I have some suggestions to switch your decision. The show, Survivor, is excellent entertainment because it shows the contestants testing themselves, and it shows how people from all over the country can bond and assimilate to the tropical weather. It also teaches the viewer that when people lie, they shouldn't win, and they usually don't.”)

The writer combines short sentences using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or adds more details. (“First off, if you don't let people test themselves, they probably think they can't accomplish anything. First, it is hard for them to find food on the island. They have to climb trees to get coconuts and they also have to go into the ocean to get fish and other shellfish. During Survivor, they have physical challenges that test the contestants to see how strong they are. Lastly, I think sleeping without shelter when it is raining is harsh, and sometimes they have to do it. All in all, I think Survivor is a terrific show because it tests people to find food, make shelter, and to win hard challenges.”)

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. (“Secondly, it has people on the show from all over the country. It shows people from different backgrounds and how they can work together on team challenges just to survive. Each person uses their different skills. Survivor is also like the U.S.A. The U.S.A. is made up of different kinds of people: different kinds of religions, different races, rich, and poor. If they get along, they can have a nice camp and win challenges. I just think that is just so amazing how they can come together, win challenges, and overcome so many different obstacles.”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and words are spelled correctly. (“First off, if you don't let people test themselves, they probably think they can't accomplish anything. First, it is hard for them to find food on the island. They have to climb trees to get coconuts and they also have to go into the ocean to get fish and other shellfish. During Survivor, they have physical challenges that test the contestants to see how strong they are. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Save My Favorite Show

Please save my favorite show called Mysterious Lake! I have noticed that you haven't been playing it for a while, then, I found out that you weren't playing it for good! I used to watch it every day after homework. It was at the perfect time after everything I had to do, like homework, typing, and showering. It ended right before dinner.

Mysterious Lake was everything I have ever wanted. It was about three kids, whom, by the way, happen to be my three favorite kid actors. They went to the lake to study for a math test, and on the way home, they got lost. They have been there ever since. The lake is haunted and the kids always think that they have found the ghost that haunts the lake, but they never do.

Mysterious Lake WAS my friends and I favorite show of all time! I was planning to have a Mysterious Lake birthday party at Lake Park and have all my friends come, and record all the episodes and watch them at the sleepover. Now I have to think of another theme before November! My mom and I had all the invitations ready and we were going to deliver them next week!

Mysterious Lake was combined with mystery, intensity, horror, science, and math. It was the PERFECT television show for kids. It was an educational show that taught kids how to solve problems, and to agree with each other. Because it is an educational show, I beat my brother that's in ninth grade at a multiplication contest and I'm only in fifth grade!

At the end of each episode, they show a new way to eat healthy, do math better, and last but not least, exercise daily. At the beginning of each episode, it shows a way to make a craft that they had to make when they were making the set. They also give a two minute interview with the director or the stars of the show.

You must reconsider this decision for my good and the good of all your viewers. Please, will you please save my favorite show?

Sadly,

Henry

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. It satisfies many parts of the prompt task. The writer establishes an opinion about saving his/her favorite show and adequately attempts to persuade readers . The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“Please save my favorite show called Mysterious Lake! I have noticed that you haven't been playing it for a while, then, I found out that you weren't playing it for good! I used to watch it every day after homework. It was at the perfect time after everything I had to do, like homework, typing, and showering. It ended right before dinner.”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Mysterious Lake was everything I have ever wanted. It was about three kids, whom, by the way, happen to be my three favorite kid actors. They went to the lake to study for a math test, and on the way home, they got lost. They have been there ever since. The lake is haunted and the kids always think that they have found the ghost that haunts the lake, but they never do.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“Mysterious Lake was combined with mystery, intensity, horror, science, and math. It was the PERFECT television show for kids. It was an educational show that taught kids how to solve problems, and to agree with each other. Because it is an educational show, I beat my brother that's in ninth grade at a multiplication contest and I'm only in fifth grade!”)

The writer uses words that are appropriate for the audience; the writer rarely or does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“At the end of each episode, they show a new way to eat healthy, do math better, and last but not least, exercise daily. At the beginning of each episode, it shows a way to make a craft that they had to make when they were making the set. They also give a two minute interview with the director or the stars of the show. You must reconsider this decision for my good and the good of all your viewers. Please, will you please save my favorite show?”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some details to support the writer’s position. However, t he writer neglects to address possible counterarguments. Additionally, incorporating more specific, accurate, and relevant supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate main ideas would make the essay more convincing.

Most of the writer’s details are relevant for the argument presented. (“Mysterious Lake was combined with mystery, intensity, horror, science, and math. It was the PERFECT television show for kids. It was an educational show that taught kids how to solve problems, and to agree with each other. Because it is an educational show, I beat my brother that's in ninth grade at a multiplication contest and I'm only in fifth grade!”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“At the end of each episode, they show a new way to eat healthy, do math better, and last but not least, exercise daily. At the beginning of each episode, it shows a way to make a craft that they had to make when they were making the set. They also give a two minute interview with the director or the stars of the show.”)

The writer does not address readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. A solid persuasive argument should always address the counter viewpoints, and in this case, the writer needs to devote content to a paragraph earmarked for the opposing viewpoints. The writer can integrate statistics, examples, or experiences to bolster this necessary section of the essay. (“You must reconsider this decision for my good and the good of all your viewers. Please, will you please save my favorite show? Sadly, Henry”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs readers’ attention. (“Please save my favorite show called Mysterious Lake! I have noticed that you haven't been playing it for a while, then, I found out that you weren't playing it for good! I used to watch it every day after homework. It was at the perfect time after everything I had to do, like homework, typing, and showering. It ended right before dinner.”)

The writer needs to incorporate transitions to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. (“Mysterious Lake was combined with mystery, intensity, horror, science, and math. It was the PERFECT television show for kids. It was an educational show that taught kids how to solve problems, and to agree with each other. Because it is an educational show, I beat my brother that's in ninth grade at a multiplication contest and I'm only in fifth grade!”) Transitional words help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected.

Although it is too brief, the writer’s conclusion gives readers a sense of closure. The writer should consider reiterating the main points of the argument and include a stronger call to action at the conclusion of the essay. (“You must reconsider this decision for my good and the good of all your viewers. Please, will you please save my favorite show? Sadly, Henry”)

Language Use & Style

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“It was an educational show that taught kids how to solve problems, and to agree with each other. Because it is an educational show, I beat my brother that's in ninth grade at a multiplication contest and I'm only in fifth grade!”)

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“At the end of each episode, they show a new way to eat healthy, do math better, and last but not least, exercise daily. At the beginning of each episode, it shows a way to make a craft that they had to make when they were making the set. They also give a two minute interview with the director or the stars of the show.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments. (“Mysterious Lake was everything I have ever wanted. It was about three kids, whom, by the way, happen to be my three favorite kid actors. They went to the lake to study for a math test, and on the way home, they got lost. They have been there ever since. The lake is haunted and the kids always think that they have found the ghost that haunts the lake, but they never do.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and most word choices are spelled correctly. (“Because it is an educational show, I beat my brother that's in ninth grade at a multiplication contest and I'm only in fifth grade!”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear MTV Network

I saw that u were going to cancel The Buried Life.Pease don't cancel the show because it is my favorite show.

My first reason that I don't want u to cancel the Buried Life is because its telling us a big message.The message is that we should follow after our dreams and if we fail we should never give up.Also because I like the episode of when they wanted to play basketball with Barrack Obama.But they didn't get to play with him cause barrack obama gave up the challenge.Guess what they didn't give up until they went to talk to his supervisor and to barrack obama's vice president.

The reason that I don't want u to cancel the show is because it has like a bunch of new episodes that I haven't even seen.Like I want to see this episode when they try to make a soccer team to help the kids in need to be in a soccer team.Or because this is the first show I ever watched on this netwok.So please don't cancel the show cause it is like the best show they ever made,and cause they don't curse. And that's why its also my favorite show.

Also because this show reminds me of when I went outside and I tried to do a back flip and I almost did it cause I only did like half of the backflip Then it also reminds me of that cause they tried to join the krumping contest and they almost didn't until they saw these to little girls krumping and they went to them and they thought the girls could help them but instead there mom tough them to krump and the guy that created the krumping.But instead they made it and they won the whole contest. So thats why it reminds me of it.Mostly thats whyI dont want u to cancel The Buried Life.

In conclusion I don't want u to cancel it ,cause its my favorite show.Especialy because mostly kids like us want to watch it all the time and cause we want u to keep it on the air.Also because it reminds me of when I had went to this party and the police came to tell us to keep it down.It also reminds me of that cause in a episode I saw they had made a big,giant party for a bunch of people and then the police came to.

Sincerely Eddie

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion on the argument of saving his/her favorite TV show, but may be unclear or underdeveloped in providing supporting ideas. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“Dear MTV Network I saw that u were going to cancel The Buried Life.Pease don't cancel the show because it is my favorite show.”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument, but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“My first reason that I don't want u to cancel the Buried Life is because its telling us a big message.The message is that we should follow after our dreams and if we fail we should never give up.Also because I like the episode of when they wanted to play basketball with Barrack Obama.But they didn't get to play with him cause barrack obama gave up the challenge.Guess what they didn't give up until they went to talk to his supervisor and to barrack obama's vice president.”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer does attempt to address readers, but is severely lacking in the use of persuasive terms to convince readers of the writer’s point of view. (“The reason that I don't want u to cancel the show is because it has like a bunch of new episodes that I haven't even seen.Like I want to see this episode when they try to make a soccer team to help the kids in need to be in a soccer team.Or because this is the first show I ever watched on this netwok.So please don't cancel the show cause it is like the best show they ever made,and cause they don't curse. And that's why its also my favorite show.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support. The writer does attempt to address readers, but does not integrate counterarguments into the essay.

The essay is limited in addressing readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. The writer solely focuses on his/her own reasons. (“The reason that I don't want u to cancel the show is because it has like a bunch of new episodes that I haven't even seen.Like I want to see this episode when they try to make a soccer team to help the kids in need to be in a soccer team.Or because this is the first show I ever watched on this netwok.So please don't cancel the show cause it is like the best show they ever made,and cause they don't curse. And that's why its also my favorite show.”)

The writer includes a very brief personal anecdote that attempts to explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“Also because this show reminds me of when I went outside and I tried to do a back flip and I almost did it cause I only did like half of the backflip Then it also reminds me of that cause they tried to join the krumping contest and they almost didn't until they saw these to little girls krumping and they went to them and they thought the girls could help them but instead there mom tough them to krump and the guy that created the krumping.But instead they made it and they won the whole contest. So thats why it reminds me of it.Mostly thats whyI dont want u to cancel The Buried Life.”) Although this gives readers a limited amount of insight into the writer’s personal reasons for wanting the show to remain on the air, it is not an effective support for the argument.

The essay needs details that are clear, correct, and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas for keeping the program on the air, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce the writer’s position on the issue. (“My first reason that I don't want u to cancel the Buried Life is because its telling us a big message.The message is that we should follow after our dreams and if we fail we should never give up.Also because I like the episode of when they wanted to play basketball with Barrack Obama.But they didn't get to play with him cause barrack obama gave up the challenge.Guess what they didn't give up until they went to talk to his supervisor and to barrack obama's vice president.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is limited at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. The response incorporates the use of paragraphing, but lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The essay does not attempt to grab readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by offering an interesting fact, anecdote, or background information. (“I saw that u were going to cancel The Buried Life.Pease don't cancel the show because it is my favorite show.”)

Effective transitions are not included between paragraphs and between sentences. Because of the lack of transitional devices, readers may not be led to a logical conclusion. (“The reason that I don't want u to cancel the show is because it has like a bunch of new episodes that I haven't even seen.Like I want to see this episode when they try to make a soccer team to help the kids in need to be in a soccer team.Or because this is the first show I ever watched on this netwok.So please don't cancel the show cause it is like the best show they ever made,and cause they don't curse. And that's why its also my favorite show.”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited way, but it does not effectively restate arguments or leave readers with something to think about or tell them what to do next. (“In conclusion I don't want u to cancel it ,cause its my favorite show.Especialy because mostly kids like us want to watch it all the time and cause we want u to keep it on the air.Also because it reminds me of when I had went to this party and the police came to tell us to keep it down.It also reminds me of that cause in a episode I saw they had made a big,giant party for a bunch of people and then the police came to.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“The reason that I don't want u to cancel the show is because it has like a bunch of new episodes that I haven't even seen.Like I want to see this episode when they try to make a soccer team to help the kids in need to be in a soccer team.Or because this is the first show I ever watched on this netwok.So please don't cancel the show cause it is like the best show they ever made,and cause they don't curse. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. (“Also because this show reminds me of when I went outside and I tried to do a back flip and I almost did it cause I only did like half of the backflip Then it also reminds me of that cause they tried to join the krumping contest and they almost didn't until they saw these to little girls krumping and they went to them and they thought the girls could help them but instead there mom tough them to krump and the guy that created the krumping.But instead they made it and they won the whole contest. So thats why it reminds me of it.Mostly thats whyI dont want u to cancel The Buried Life.”)

There is a limited variety of sentences in this essay. For example, the writer relies heavily on beginning numerous sentences with the word “also.” (“Especialy because mostly kids like us want to watch it all the time and cause we want u to keep it on the air.Also because it reminds me of when I had went to this party and the police came to tell us to keep it down.It also reminds me of that cause in a episode I saw they had made a big,giant party for a bunch of people and then the police came to.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“So thats why it reminds me of it.Mostly thats whyI dont want u to cancel The Buried Life. In conclusion I don't want u to cancel it ,cause its my favorite show.Especialy because mostly kids like us want to watch it all the time and cause we want u to keep it on the air.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

They should not band the show The Simpsons out because it is very funny and alot more, one of the amazing character: Bart Simpson, he is the very funny one in this show. One reason is that when Bart went to his trip and learned how to do karate and he went home and tried a move on his dad Homer called ''The Karate Chop'' and on accident he made Homer go to the doctor because Bart did it very hard, and ended up saying '' sorry for doing that to you dad'' and Homer choked Bart very hard just like bart did to him and i started to laugh alot.

Another reason is when Bart went to summer camp and he made a nerd suffer by throwing a rock at him by a fling shooter. he fell off the cliff and then thought that he was dead. but he wasn't dead at all because when they got home and saw him on the ground looking at the night sky and Bart and Lisa said ''what?''. I started to laugh alot and I really thought he was really dead.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides minimal focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a minimal attempt at stating a position on the argument of saving his/her favorite show. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and, consequently, c ompletes few parts of the task.

The essay states a minimally defined opinion about the issue. (“ They should not band the show The Simpsons out because it is very funny and alot more, one of the amazing character: Bart Simpson, he is the very funny one in this show. ”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended readers. (“Another reason is when Bart went to summer camp and he made a nerd suffer by throwing a rock at him by a fling shooter. he fell off the cliff and then thought that he was dead. but he wasn't dead at all because when they got home and saw him on the ground looking at the night sky and Bart and Lisa said ‘what?’. I started to laugh alot and I really thought he was really dead.”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. (“They should not band the show The Simpsons out because it is very funny and alot more, one of the amazing character: Bart Simpson, he is the very funny one in this show. One reason is that when Bart went to his trip and learned how to do karate and he went home and tried a move on his dad Homer called ‘The Karate Chop’ and on accident he made Homer go to the doctor because Bart did it very hard, and ended up saying ’sorry for doing that to you dad’ and Homer choked Bart very hard just like bart did to him and i started to laugh alot.”)

Content & Development

The writer does not provide specific or relevant content and development to convince the readers of his/her stance on the position of saving his/her favorite show. The essay lays out arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer’s position. The writer does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the essay one-sided and minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion statement. (“One reason is that when Bart went to his trip and learned how to do karate and he went home and tried a move on his dad Homer called ‘The Karate Chop’ and on accident he made Homer go to the doctor because Bart did it very hard, and ended up saying ‘sorry for doing that to you dad’ and Homer choked Bart very hard just like bart did to him and i started to laugh alot.”)

Because the writer’s response to the prompt task is minimal, the essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. The writer should keep in mind that each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“ Another reason is when Bart went to summer camp and he made a nerd suffer by throwing a rock at him by a fling shooter. he fell off the cliff and then thought that he was dead. but he wasn't dead at all because when they got home and saw him on the ground looking at the night sky and Bart and Lisa said ‘what?’. ”)

Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. These details can include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. Providing these details will result in an essay response that integrates solid evidence into the writer’s position on the issue. Without these details, the writer tends to repeat the same theme throughout the essay. (“Another reason is when Bart went to summer camp and he made a nerd suffer by throwing a rock at him by a fling shooter. he fell off the cliff and then thought that he was dead. but he wasn't dead at all because when they got home and saw him on the ground looking at the night sky and Bart and Lisa said ‘what’. I started to laugh alot and I really thought he was really dead.”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“ They should not band the show The Simpsons out because it is very funny and alot more, one of the amazing character: Bart Simpson, he is the very funny one in this show. ”)

The essay does not create effective supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position of saving his/her favorite show. Also, transitions are minimally included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“One reason is that when Bart went to his trip and learned how to do karate and he went home and tried a move on his dad Homer called ‘The Karate Chop’ and on accident he made Homer go to the doctor because Bart did it very hard, and ended up saying ‘sorry for doing that to you dad’ and Homer choked Bart very hard just like bart did to him and i started to laugh alot.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay; it does not leave readers with something to think about, nor does it tell them what to do next. (“I started to laugh alot and I really thought he was really dead.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. By incorporating more persuasive word choices into the essay, the writer would create a more effective argument. (“They should not band the show The Simpsons out because it is very funny and alot more, one of the amazing character: Bart Simpson, he is the very funny one in this show. ”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer employs run-on sentences that contain unrelated ideas. (“One reason is that when Bart went to his trip and learned how to do karate and he went home and tried a move on his dad Homer called ‘The Karate Chop’ and on accident he made Homer go to the doctor because Bart did it very hard, and ended up saying ‘sorry for doing that to you dad’ and Homer choked Bart very hard just like bart did to him and i started to laugh alot.”)

The writer does not provide a clear voice that emphasizes his/her position on the argument of saving his/her favorite show. (“Another reason is when Bart went to summer camp and he made a nerd suffer by throwing a rock at him by a fling shooter. he fell off the cliff and then thought that he was dead. but he wasn't dead at all because when they got home and saw him on the ground looking at the night sky and Bart and Lisa said ‘what?’.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should use appropriate punctuation and capitalization, check for correct spelling of chosen words, avoid run-on sentences, and assure subject-verb agreement. (“ he fell off the cliff and then thought that he was dead. but he wasn't dead at all because when they got home and saw him on the ground looking at the night sky and Bart and Lisa said ‘what?’. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

It is an old show but don't cancel it is so funny with Barney he is the best and Andy he is the sheriff and they keep the town safe it is a classic comedy and all the old folks they want watch it. if you cancel they will have to watch THE MONSTERS is a dumb show that should be candled instead. cancel the monsters even Phillip thinks it should be canceled its dumb.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on the issue, but fails to include detailed, supporting arguments to convince readers of the importance of keeping the show on the air. The writer merely focuses on how “dumb” it would be to replace his/her favorite show with another show. (“It is an old show but don't cancel it is so funny with Barney he is the best and Andy he is the sheriff and they keep the town safe it is a classic comedy and all the old folks they want watch it. if you cancel they will have to watch THE MONSTERS is a dumb show that should be candled instead. cancel the monsters even Phillip thinks it should be canceled its dumb.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. (“cancel the monsters even Phillip thinks it should be canceled its dumb.”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“ It is an old show but don't cancel it is so funny with Barney he is the best and Andy he is the sheriff and they keep the town safe it is a classic comedy and all the old folks they want watch it. ”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate content and development. The writer neglects to use details to support the arguments and the writer ’s position on the issue of saving his/her favorite show. Additionally, the essay does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The essay does not include convincing details to support the stated opinion. (“It is an old show but don't cancel it is so funny with Barney he is the best and Andy he is the sheriff and they keep the town safe it is a classic comedy and all the old folks they want watch it. ”)

Since the one-paragraph response is so brief, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs present in the essay. (“It is an old show but don't cancel it is so funny with Barney he is the best and Andy he is the sheriff and they keep the town safe it is a classic comedy and all the old folks they want watch it. if you cancel they will have to watch THE MONSTERS is a dumb show that should be candled instead. cancel the monsters even Phillip thinks it should be canceled its dumb.”) Additionally, at least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument.

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. The writer merely states how “dumb” it would be to cancel the show. (“if you cancel they will have to watch THE MONSTERS is a dumb show that should be candled instead. cancel the monsters even Phillip thinks it should be canceled its dumb.”)

Organization

The essay does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. As a result, the essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“ It is an old show but don't cancel it is so funny with Barney he is the best and Andy he is the sheriff and they keep the town safe it is a classic comedy and all the old folks they want watch it. ”)

In this one-paragraph response, the writer does not create effective, supporting paragraphs. (“It is an old show but don't cancel it is so funny with Barney he is the best and Andy he is the sheriff and they keep the town safe it is a classic comedy and all the old folks they want watch it. if you cancel they will have to watch THE MONSTERS is a dumb show that should be candled instead. cancel the monsters even Phillip thinks it should be canceled its dumb.”)

Transitional words were not used to illustrate connections between ideas in the essay. (“if you cancel they will have to watch THE MONSTERS is a dumb show that should be candled instead. cancel the monsters even Phillip thinks it should be canceled its dumb.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay or leave readers with something to think about or tell them what to do next. (“cancel the monsters even Phillip thinks it should be canceled its dumb.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“It is an old show but don't cancel it is so funny with Barney he is the best and Andy he is the sheriff and they keep the town safe it is a classic comedy and all the old folks they want watch it. if you cancel they will have to watch THE MONSTERS is a dumb show that should be candled instead. ”) D escriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things more effectively.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“It is an old show but don't cancel it is so funny with Barney he is the best and Andy he is the sheriff and they keep the town safe it is a classic comedy and all the old folks they want watch it. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of audience. The writer neglects to address opposing points of view, and as a result, leaves the argument insufficient at best. (“cancel the monsters even Phillip thinks it should be canceled its dumb”)

The style of the writing in the response is inadequate. Because the writer does not incorporate language that reflects an initiative to persuade the readers to agree with his/her stance on saving the show, the voice of the writer is subdued, and the effectiveness of the argument is lost. (“if you cancel they will have to watch THE MONSTERS is a dumb show that should be candled instead. cancel the monsters even Phillip thinks it should be canceled its dumb.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“ if you cancel they will have to watch THE MONSTERS is a dumb show that should be candled instead. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Sixth Grade: Middle School or Elementary School?

Imagine you are a fifth grade student at an elementary school that houses students in grades K-5. However, due to overcrowding in the local high school and middle school, school administrators are considering moving students in the sixth grade back to the elementary school.

As a soon-to-be sixth grader, how do you feel about this new policy? Do you feel that it is a good idea for sixth graders to be kept in the elementary school due to this overcrowding? Or, do you feel that it is crucial that sixth graders attend middle school?

Write an essay to the superintendent of your school district persuading him/her either to keep sixth graders in the middle schools or to move sixth graders to the elementary schools. Provide details and examples to support your response.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Superintendent,

As you know, there have recently been discussions about overcrowding at the middle schools and high schools in our district. One proposed solution to this problem is to keep sixth graders in elementary school and, therefore, lessen the number of students in the upper grade levels. I believe this is a counterproductive idea. Sixth graders should advance to middle school instead of staying in elementary school because they will learn important social skills, receive a better education, and be more mature and responsible in a middle school environment.

As a current fifth grader, I believe that keeping students in elementary school from kindergarten through sixth grade is an atrocious way to solve the problem of overcrowding. Forcing fifth graders to remain an extra year in elementary school will delay maturity. By allowing students to move up to middle school, they will be able to participate in many more social activities and experiences such as group projects, class discussions, and interactions with other, more mature students. One of the largest differences between elementary and middle school is moving from classroom to classroom multiple times a day. Learning in various classrooms with different classmates, instead of the same group of students in one class all day, places students in social situations that are crucial to personal development. Pupils must learn to manage their time, interact with different classmates in different settings, and learn from instructors with different personalities and varying teaching styles. This change of settings results in student maturation. From these more sophisticated relationships, children, consequently, will become more confident while socializing with others. Also, placing students in a larger school will force them to interact with more of their fellow students, administrative staff, counselors, teachers, and assistants. This gives them a broader range of learning. Holding sixth graders back in elementary school will have an everlasting negative effect on their social abilities and life skills which will adversely affect them in later life.

Originally, educational enhancement was the reason for placing sixth graders in middle school. To reverse this learning trend is an unwise decision and will disadvantage students. This is because the students forced to complete sixth grade in elementary school will not receive the same quality education as those before them. A single elementary school teacher will not have the ability to teach multiple subjects as thoroughly as educators who specialize in specific subjects. Additionally, students are guaranteed to receive a dedicated hour of each core subject daily. In elementary school, the teacher will not be able to meet all the requirements set for the students to master the curriculum because the instructor has multiple subjects to teach in one day. If this happens, the students' knowledge will suffer, as well as the district's test scores.

Besides academics, middle school promotes the development of personal responsibility. In everyday middle school life, different tasks are performed by students that require maturity. Many extra responsibilities accompany a middle school student such as more homework, additional independent learning, and time management skills. These abilities must be acquired during life, and middle school is the perfect atmosphere for doing so. Responsibility is an important skill to gain during life, and middle school is a great place to grow and learn. When my sister started sixth grade, she was extremely immature. However, after just a few days she became more responsible and reliable by watching and learning from the older students. If sixth grade students stay in elementary school, they will miss the opportunity to watch and learn from older and more mature students.

Admittedly, there exist some benefits to keeping sixth graders in elementary school for an extra year. Some students may not be ready for the substantially larger amount of homework, and various other requirements that must be met in middle school. Also, some sixth grade students still need the one-on-one time that only an elementary school teacher can offer. Even though a small group of students may not be prepared for middle school, the larger percentage should not lose a greater opportunity.

Ultimately, it is my opinion that sixth graders should advance to middle school instead of staying in elementary school for an extra year. If sixth graders can stay in middle school, they will gain more social experiences, a better education, and will acquire a higher level of maturity. Please consider all of the information I have submitted and allow the soon-to-be sixth graders to advance to middle school. Overall, everyone will benefit if the sixth graders remain in middle school, where they will flourish.

Sincerely,

Student

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

After the writer grabs the readers’ attention by explaining the issue for debate, he/she follows with an opinion statement. (“As you know, there have recently been discussions about overcrowding at the middle schools and high schools in our district. One proposed solution to this problem is to keep sixth graders in elementary school and, therefore, lessen the number of students in the upper grade levels. I believe this is a counterproductive idea. Sixth graders should advance to middle school instead of staying in elementary school because they will learn important social skills, receive a better education, and be more mature and responsible in a middle school environment.”)

The essay effectively stays focused on the central/controlling idea with supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion that sixth grade students should move to the middle school. Each paragraph develops a specific reason why students will benefit from the current structure. (“As a current fifth grader, I believe that keeping students in elementary school from kindergarten through sixth grade is an atrocious way to solve the problem of overcrowding. Forcing fifth graders to remain an extra year in elementary school will delay maturity. By allowing students to move up to middle school, they will be able to participate in many more social activities and experiences such as group projects, class discussions, and interactions with other, more mature students. One of the largest differences between elementary and middle school is moving from classroom to classroom multiple times a day. Learning in various classrooms with different classmates, instead of the same group of students in one class all day, places students in social situations that are crucial to personal development. Pupils must learn to manage their time, interact with different classmates in different settings, and learn from instructors with different personalities and varying teaching styles. This change of settings results in student maturation. From these more sophisticated relationships, children, consequently, will become more confident while socializing with others. Also, placing students in a larger school will force them to interact with more of their fellow students, administrative staff, counselors, teachers, and assistants.”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for persuading his/her intended audience. (“Ultimately, it is my opinion that sixth graders should advance to middle school instead of staying in elementary school for an extra year. If sixth graders can stay in middle school, they will gain more social experiences, a better education, and will acquire a higher level of maturity. Please consider all of the information I have submitted and allow the soon-to-be sixth graders to advance to middle school. Overall, everyone will benefit if the sixth graders remain in middle school, where they will flourish.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. He/she effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue of elementary school versus middle school placement for sixth grade. The essay aptly addresses the readers’ opposing views or counterarguments.

The details in the paragraphs make the essay more persuasive by including a challenge to readers. The writer successfully asks the readers to imagine a scenario and consider the long-term consequences of the school board decision, actively engaging them in the debate. (“Originally, educational enhancement was the reason for placing sixth graders in middle school. To reverse this learning trend is an unwise decision and will disadvantage students. This is because the students forced to complete sixth grade in elementary school will not receive the same quality education as those before them. A single elementary school teacher will not have the ability to teach multiple subjects as thoroughly as educators who specialize in specific subjects. Additionally, students are guaranteed to receive a dedicated hour of each core subject daily. In elementary school, the teacher will not be able to meet all the requirements set for the students to master the curriculum because the instructor has multiple subjects to teach in one day. If this happens, the students' knowledge will suffer, as well as the district's test scores.”)

The writer uses a variety of facts, examples, and/or anecdotes to illustrate his/her point of view. The writer supports his/her main idea with a specific anecdote about his/her sister benefiting from the middle school experience. (“Besides academics, middle school promotes the development of personal responsibility. In everyday middle school life, different tasks are performed by students that require maturity. Many extra responsibilities accompany a middle school student such as more homework, additional independent learning, and time management skills. These abilities must be acquired during life, and middle school is the perfect atmosphere for doing so. Responsibility is an important skill to gain during life, and middle school is a great place to grow and learn. When my sister started sixth grade, she was extremely immature. However, after just a few days she became more responsible and reliable by watching and learning from the older students. If sixth grade students stay in elementary school, they will miss the opportunity to watch and learn from older and more mature students.”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“Admittedly, there exist some benefits to keeping sixth graders in elementary school for an extra year. Some students may not be ready for the substantially larger amount of homework, and various other requirements that must be met in middle school. Also, some sixth grade students still need the one-on-one time that only an elementary school teacher can offer. Even though a small group of students may not be prepared for middle school, the larger percentage should not lose a greater opportunity.”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction effectively provides background information to help readers understand the issue. (“As you know, there have recently been discussions about overcrowding at the middle schools and high schools in our district. One proposed solution to this problem is to keep sixth graders in elementary school and, therefore, lessen the number of students in the upper grade levels. I believe this is a counterproductive idea. Sixth graders should advance to middle school instead of staying in elementary school because they will learn important social skills, receive a better education, and be more mature and responsible in a middle school environment.”)

The writer uses transitions between and within paragraphs to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitions such as “originally,” “additionally,” “besides,” and “ultimately” help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Originally, educational enhancement was the reason for placing sixth graders in middle school. To reverse this learning trend is an unwise decision and will disadvantage students. This is because the students forced to complete sixth grade in elementary school will not receive the same quality education as those before them. A single elementary school teacher will not have the ability to teach multiple subjects as thoroughly as educators who specialize in specific subjects. Additionally, students are guaranteed to receive a dedicated hour of each core subject daily. In elementary school, the teacher will not be able to meet all the requirements set for the students to master the curriculum because the instructor has multiple subjects to teach in one day. If this happens, the students' knowledge will suffer, as well as the district's test scores.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument and leaves readers with a request to consider the writer’s points before arriving at a decision. (“Ultimately, it is my opinion that sixth graders should advance to middle school instead of staying in elementary school for an extra year. If sixth graders can stay in middle school, they will gain more social experiences, a better education, and will acquire a higher level of maturity. Please consider all of the information I have submitted and allow the soon-to-be sixth graders to advance to middle school. Overall, everyone will benefit if the sixth graders remain in middle school, where they will flourish.”)

Language Use & Style

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the thesis statement/controlling idea of the essay. The writer discusses how the middle school environment encourages students’ social development and sense of personal responsibility. (“Pupils must learn to manage their time, interact with different classmates in different settings, and learn from instructors with different personalities and varying teaching styles. This change of settings results in student maturation. From these more sophisticated relationships, children, consequently, will become more confident while socializing with others. Also, placing students in a larger school will force them to interact with more of their fellow students, administrative staff, counselors, teachers, and assistants. This gives them a broader range of learning. Holding sixth graders back in elementary school will have an everlasting negative effect on their social abilities and life skills which will adversely affect them in later life.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by combining thoughts with conjunctions and a variety of complex/compound structures. (“Besides academics, middle school promotes the development of personal responsibility. In everyday middle school life, different tasks are performed by students that require maturity. Many extra responsibilities accompany a middle school student such as more homework, additional independent learning, and time management skills. These abilities must be acquired during life, and middle school is the perfect atmosphere for doing so. Responsibility is an important skill to gain during life, and middle school is a great place to grow and learn. When my sister started sixth grade, she was extremely immature. However, after just a few days she became more responsible and reliable by watching and learning from the older students. If sixth grade students stay in elementary school, they will miss the opportunity to watch and learn from older and more mature students.”)

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Ultimately, it is my opinion that sixth graders should advance to middle school instead of staying in elementary school for an extra year. If sixth graders can stay in middle school, they will gain more social experiences, a better education, and will acquire a higher level of maturity. Please consider all of the information I have submitted and allow the soon-to-be sixth graders to advance to middle school. Overall, everyone will benefit if the sixth graders remain in middle school, where they will flourish.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, and each word is spelled correctly. (“Admittedly, there exist some benefits to keeping sixth graders in elementary school for an extra year. Some students may not be ready for the substantially larger amount of homework, and various other requirements that must be met in middle school. Also, some sixth grade students still need the one-on-one time that only an elementary school teacher can offer. Even though a small group of students may not be prepared for middle school, the larger percentage should not lose a greater opportunity.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Sixth Grade Equals Middle School

Dear superintendent,

There are many reasons that sixth graders should be in middle school rather than elementary school. Some of the reasons are, the kids need to be introduced to more people and a new school, the kids are more mature to move up into a new school, and it will prepare the kids for high school. I think that it is a much better idea to keep sixth graders in middle school.

Sixth graders need to stay in middle school because they need to be introduced to a new school, more people and new teachers. Coming in to middle school as sixth graders and being the youngest, means you will be introduced to older kids, which means the sixth graders will be able to learn from the seventh and eighth graders. In middle school you will be introduced to kids outside of your neighborhood school. Middle school draws students from many schools in the area, bringing the kids together under one school roof. This in turn allows the students to make more friends.

In elementary school they are at the top level, and now they are ready for middle school as they are more mature. Being in middle school means they have to be organized and very prepared. They have to be able to organize their time when they move from class to class in order to not be late. They will have to understand the bell schedule in order to know when the classes begin and end. In elementary school the teacher would give them a homework assignment and the date that it was due, it is pretty much the same in middle school. When the teacher gives them an assignment, they have to be prepared and copy it down and be responsible for getting it done and bringing it back to class. Since they were used to that in elementary school it will be easy for them in middle school.

Middle school is great preparation for high school. In elementary school the kids have only one class. The kids in middle school will have many classes, like the kids in high school. Having many classes in middle school will prepare them for high school at an earlier age, so they will be used to it and not have to worry when they are in high school. Another different thing from elementary school and middle school is that instead of one teacher you may have anywhere from six to nine teachers. Since middle school is almost the same as high school, when they enter high school they will not have to worry about remembering all of the teachers' names, as they will be used to it. In middle school there are many more responsibilities such as working independently and remembering to bring all the needed material.

Some people might think that sixth graders will get bullied in middle school. The kids will have to learn to handle these things at some point. Besides, they might bully the fifth graders if they stay in the elementary school.

I hope you take my opinion seriously as I strongly think it is in the kids' best interest. My opinion for this matter is that sixth graders must stay in middle school no matter what. I think it is a must because I am a sixth grader and I really want to stay in middle school!

From,

A Student

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates good focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains a clear position on the issue of sixth grade placement to persuade readers. The writer is successful in d emonstrating a general understanding of purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies most parts of the task.

The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. (“There are many reasons that sixth graders should be in middle school rather than elementary school. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“Some of the reasons are, the kids need to be introduced to more people and a new school, the kids are more mature to move up into a new school, and it will prepare the kids for high school. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. The writer cites specific examples of the benefits that middle school offers to students. He/she reiterates his/her opinion that sixth graders need new challenges. (“Sixth graders need to stay in middle school because they need to be introduced to a new school, more people and new teachers. Coming in to middle school as sixth graders and being the youngest, means you will be introduced to older kids, which means the sixth graders will be able to learn from the seventh and eighth graders. In middle school you will be introduced to kids outside of your neighborhood school. Middle school draws students from many schools in the area, bringing the kids together under one school roof. This in turn allows the students to make more friends. ”)

Content & Development

The writer provides good content and development. He/she develops arguments using sufficient specific, accurate, and relevant details for support. The essay clearly addresses the readers’ opposing views or counterarguments.

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. The example about homework assignments validates the fact that middle school requires greater responsibility. (“In elementary school they are at the top level, and now they are ready for middle school as they are more mature. Being in middle school means they have to be organized and very prepared. They have to be able to organize their time when they move from class to class in order to not be late. They will have to understand the bell schedule in order to know when the classes begin and end. In elementary school the teacher would give them a homework assignment and the date that it was due, it is pretty much the same in middle school. When the teacher gives them an assignment, they have to be prepared and copy it down and be responsible for getting it done and bringing it back to class. Since they were used to that in elementary school it will be easy for them in middle school. ”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. The writer explains that students will juggle a number of classes which will prepare them for high school. (“Middle school is great preparation for high school. In elementary school the kids have only one class. The kids in middle school will have many classes, like the kids in high school. Having many classes in middle school will prepare them for high school at an earlier age, so they will be used to it and not have to worry when they are in high school. Another different thing from elementary school and middle school is that instead of one teacher you may have anywhere from six to nine teachers. Since middle school is almost the same as high school, when they enter high school they will not have to worry about remembering all of the teachers' names, as they will be used to it. In middle school there are many more responsibilities such as working independently and remembering to bring all the needed material. ”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. (“Some people might think that sixth graders will get bullied in middle school. The kids will have to learn to handle these things at some point. Besides, they might bully the fifth graders if they stay in the elementary school. ”)

Organization

The introduction provides background information to help readers understand the issue. (“There are many reasons that sixth graders should be in middle school rather than elementary school. Some of the reasons are, the kids need to be introduced to more people and a new school, the kids are more mature to move up into a new school, and it will prepare the kids for high school. I think that it is a much better idea to keep sixth graders in middle school.”)

Transitions between sentences help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. The essay should include transitional devices between paragraphs as well. (“Having many classes in middle school will prepare them for high school at an earlier age, so they will be used to it and not have to worry when they are in high school. Another different thing from elementary school and middle school is that instead of one teacher you may have anywhere from six to nine teachers. Since middle school is almost the same as high school, when they enter high school they will not have to worry about remembering all of the teachers' names, as they will be used to it.”)

The conclusion wraps up the writer's argument and leaves readers with a call to action. (“I hope you take my opinion seriously as I strongly think it is in the kids' best interest. My opinion for this matter is that sixth graders must stay in middle school no matter what. I think it is a must because I am a sixth grader and I really want to stay in middle school! ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Sixth graders need to stay in middle school because they need to be introduced to a new school, more people and new teachers. Coming in to middle school as sixth graders and being the youngest, means you will be introduced to older kids, which means the sixth graders will be able to learn from the seventh and eighth graders. In middle school you will be introduced to kids outside of your neighborhood school. Middle school draws students from many schools in the area, bringing the kids together under one school roof. This in turn allows the students to make more friends. ”)

The writer combines short sentences by using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. (“In elementary school they are at the top level, and now they are ready for middle school as they are more mature. Being in middle school means they have to be organized and very prepared. They have to be able to organize their time when they move from class to class in order to not be late. They will have to understand the bell schedule in order to know when the classes begin and end. In elementary school the teacher would give them a homework assignment and the date that it was due, it is pretty much the same in middle school. When the teacher gives them an assignment, they have to be prepared and copy it down and be responsible for getting it done and bringing it back to class. Since they were used to that in elementary school it will be easy for them in middle school. ”)

The language and tone of the essay are consistent with the writer’s point of view. Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the thesis statement/controlling idea of the essay. (“Middle school is great preparation for high school. In elementary school the kids have only one class. The kids in middle school will have many classes, like the kids in high school. Having many classes in middle school will prepare them for high school at an earlier age, so they will be used to it and not have to worry when they are in high school. Another different thing from elementary school and middle school is that instead of one teacher you may have anywhere from six to nine teachers. Since middle school is almost the same as high school, when they enter high school they will not have to worry about remembering all of the teachers' names, as they will be used to it. In middle school there are many more responsibilities such as working independently and remembering to bring all the needed material. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with communication of the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and words are spelled correctly. (“I hope you take my opinion seriously as I strongly think it is in the kids' best interest. My opinion for this matter is that sixth graders must stay in middle school no matter what. I think it is a must because I am a sixth grader and I really want to stay in middle school! ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Middle School

Should sixth grade exist in Middle School or Elementary school? I’m, a fifth grader and I want to go to middle school because they have a verity of choices for lunch. Next reason why I want to go to middle school is that they provide you with p.e. every day. Last but not least I want to go to middle school because is that you get to act more mature and see what 7th and 8th graders life is going to be when you move from 6th. I think it's going to be harder than elementary.

First, if we have a variety of choices for lunch, the middle schools staffs will have waste to throw away. We will eat most of the food. That is why we will have a lot of energy. We will also eat healthier because of all the healthy choices will make us stronger and live longer. Also it will make students bodies stronger than they were before. If people eat healthier they will live longer. Unless you want to die your choice.

Secondly, to have P E every day will keep kids, sixth graders, in shape and decreases obesity. Also, kids will want to eat healthier to improve their P E skills. We will also learn new sports and become a new and improved better person.

Lastly, kids will mature more by having more choices for their self and their education and life. We, all fifth graders, will make more choices for ourselves. We will transport ourselves home, and we will be more responsible to attend to class quickly. We will be as responsible as grown ups even more responsible which is the best thing that can happen to you if you go to middle school.

Those are the reasons are why I picked middle school to enter the 6th grade. Even though you can pick elementary so you can see your former teachers that you really respect and like, I still pick middle school because it is more entertaining and it gives us more responsibility. It is a whole new planet and you will never forget middle school. It is like glue stuck to your hand that can never come off. That is why I have chosen middle school instead of elementary school.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes an opinion and adequately attempts to persuade readers . The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of purpose and intended audience. The essay satisfies many parts of the task.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about retaining sixth grade in the elementary schools versus moving students to middle schools. (“Should sixth grade exist in Middle School or Elementary school? I’m, a fifth grader and I want to go to middle school because they have a verity of choices for lunch.”)

The language of the thesis statement/controlling idea fits the examples well. Explanations support the writer’s assertion that transitioning to middle school will provide a healthier and more challenging environment for students. (“Next reason why I want to go to middle school is that they provide you with p.e. every day. Last but not least I want to go to middle school because is that you get to act more mature and see what 7th and 8th graders life is going to be when you move from 6th. I think it's going to be harder than elementary.”)

The writer uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language are never or rarely used. (“Even though you can pick elementary so you can see your former teachers that you really respect and like, I still pick middle school because it is more entertaining and it gives us more responsibility. It is a whole new planet and you will never forget middle school. It is like glue stuck to your hand that can never come off. That is why I have chosen middle school instead of elementary school.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides adequate content and development. He/she develops arguments using some details for support. However, the essay only briefly addresses the readers’ counterarguments. Incorporating more specific, accurate, and relevant supporting details in each paragraph would make the essay more convincing.

The explanations and details used to support the writer's main ideas are adequate. (“First, if we have a variety of choices for lunch, the middle schools staffs will have waste to throw away. We will eat most of the food. That is why we will have a lot of energy. We will also eat healthier because of all the healthy choices will make us stronger and live longer. Also it will make students bodies stronger than they were before. If people eat healthier they will live longer. Unless you want to die your choice.”)

Most of the writer’s details are convincing. (“Lastly, kids will mature more by having more choices for their self and their education and life. We, all fifth graders, will make more choices for ourselves. We will transport ourselves home, and we will be more responsible to attend to class quickly. We will be as responsible as grown ups even more responsible which is the best thing that can happen to you if you go to middle school.”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own opinion. However, the writer could devote more content and earmark a paragraph for opposing views. The writer can bolster this section of the essay by integrating statistics, examples, or experiences. (“Those are the reasons are why I picked middle school to enter the 6th grade. Even though you can pick elementary so you can see your former teachers that you really respect and like, I still pick middle school because it is more entertaining and it gives us more responsibility.”)

Organization

The introduction provides background information to help readers understand the issue. (“Should sixth grade exist in Middle School or Elementary school? I’m, a fifth grader and I want to go to middle school because they have a verity of choices for lunch. Next reason why I want to go to middle school is that they provide you with p.e. every day. Last but not least I want to go to middle school because is that you get to act more mature and see what 7th and 8th graders life is going to be when you move from 6th. I think it's going to be harder than elementary.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “first,” “secondly,” and “lastly,” which help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitions help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Secondly, to have P E every day will keep kids, sixth graders, in shape and decreases obesity. Also, kids will want to eat healthier to improve their P E skills. We will also learn new sports and become a new and improved better person.”)

The conclusion adequately wraps up the writer's argument and leaves readers with something to think about. (“Those are the reasons are why I picked middle school to enter the 6th grade. Even though you can pick elementary so you can see your former teachers that you really respect and like, I still pick middle school because it is more entertaining and it gives us more responsibility. It is a whole new planet and you will never forget middle school. It is like glue stuck to your hand that can never come off. That is why I have chosen middle school instead of elementary school.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. The writer combines sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“That is why we will have a lot of energy. We will also eat healthier because of all the healthy choices will make us stronger and live longer. Also it will make students bodies stronger than they were before. If people eat healthier they will live longer.”)

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“Secondly, to have P E every day will keep kids, sixth graders, in shape and decreases obesity. Also, kids will want to eat healthier to improve their P E skills. We will also learn new sports and become a new and improved better person.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice as he/she presents arguments in the essay. (“Lastly, kids will mature more by having more choices for their self and their education and life. We, all fifth graders, will make more choices for ourselves. We will transport ourselves home, and we will be more responsible to attend to class quickly. We will be as responsible as grown ups even more responsible which is the best thing that can happen to you if you go to middle school.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and most word choices are spelled correctly. (“Also it will make students bodies stronger than they were before. If people eat healthier they will live longer. Unless you want to die your choice.”) The writer needs to review rules for comma use.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I think that students should go to middle school because we got to move to a new type of school . We should go so we can learn different things and subjects.

I want to go to middle school to meet new friends and teachers . I think all the students should go because at middle school you got seven teachers and if you stay here you will only have one.

I feel that the new policy that sixth graders stay at elementary is wrong. I don't care if the middle school is crowded that's were I want go to middle school. We should go to middle school to learn to be responsible and learn to do things by ourselves like learn to keep up with our books ,or no running in the halls,and learn not to do the wrong things. I think we should go to middle schools to have our different classes. That should be the new school policy that sixth grader go to middle school no matter what even if the school is crowded even if we have to sit on the floor that should be the policy. Sixth graders need to move on to middle school instead of staying in elementary that should be the policy.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates limited focus and meaning. The writer states his/her opinion, but the essay may be unclear or underdeveloped in providing supporting ideas. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of purpose and audience. The essay only completes some parts of the task.

The writer expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of purpose and intended audience. (“ I think that students should go to middle school because we got to move to a new type of school . ”)

There is a limited amount of details that relate to the writer’s opinion. He/she touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument, but the essay does not contain enough details for the argument to stand on its own. (“I feel that the new policy that sixth graders stay at elementary is wrong. I don't care if the middle school is crowded that's were I want go to middle school. We should go to middle school to learn to be responsible and learn to do things by ourselves like learn to keep up with our books ,or no running in the halls,and learn not to do the wrong things. I think we should go to middle schools to have our different classes. ”)

The essay reveals a limited understanding of audience. Although the writer does attempt to use persuasive language, he/she demands the readers to agree with his/her position instead of convincing them to agree with the argument by providing appropriate details. (“ That should be the new school policy that sixth grader go to middle school no matter what even if the school is crowded even if we have to sit on the floor that should be the policy. Sixth graders need to move on to middle school instead of staying in elementary that should be the policy. ”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. He/she develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support. The writer does attempt to address readers but does not integrate counterarguments into the essay.

The writer includes a personal anecdote that attempts to explain or illustrate his/her opinion. Although this gives readers a limited amount of insight into the writer’s personal reasons for wanting to attend a middle school in sixth grade, it does not effectively support the argument . (“I want to go to middle school to meet new friends and teachers . I think all the students should go because at middle school you got seven teachers and if you stay here you will only have one. ”)

The essay needs details that are clear, correct, and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer describes a few benefits for students, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce his/her position on the issue. (“ We should go to middle school to learn to be responsible and learn to do things by ourselves like learn to keep up with our books ,or no running in the halls,and learn not to do the wrong things. I think we should go to middle schools to have our different classes. ”)

The writer is limited in responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. (“That should be the new school policy that sixth grader go to middle school no matter what even if the school is crowded even if we have to sit on the floor that should be the policy. ”)

Organization

The essay has limited organization at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. The essay includes paragraphing but lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The introduction gives some background information to help readers understand the writer’s position on the issue of attending middle school. (“ I think that students should go to middle school because we got to move to a new type of school . We should go so we can learn different things and subjects. ”)

The writer uses few transitional devices to illustrate connections between ideas. (“I think all the students should go because at middle school you got seven teachers and if you stay here you will only have one. ”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited way but does not restate arguments or leave readers with something to think about. (“Sixth graders need to move on to middle school instead of staying in elementary that should be the policy. ”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence variety is limited. For example, the writer relies heavily on beginning sentences with the word “I.” (“I want to go to middle school to meet new friends and teachers . I think all the students should go because at middle school you got seven teachers and if you stay here you will only have one. ”)

Descriptive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer needs to use specific language to convey his/her ideas in order to increase the effectiveness of his/her message. (“I feel that the new policy that sixth graders stay at elementary is wrong. I don't care if the middle school is crowded that's were I want go to middle school. We should go to middle school to learn to be responsible and learn to do things by ourselves like learn to keep up with our books ,or no running in the halls,and learn not to do the wrong things. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive. (“I think we should go to middle schools to have our different classes. That should be the new school policy that sixth grader go to middle school no matter what even if the school is crowded even if we have to sit on the floor that should be the policy. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and each word is spelled correctly. (“ Sixth graders need to move on to middle school instead of staying in elementary that should be the policy. ”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Superintendent,

How would you react if you fond out a six-grader that the school disrict has decited to move you back to elemantary school. An advantage of elamentary school is recces, get to play in the class room,talk,snack and story time,feld day,and leave early. A disadvantage of middle school is recces

I trully enjoyed having recess with my friends exchanging notes from classes that we enjoy or not. It give us time to exchange thought of what was going on in different class rooms. We has more time to relax. We enjoy gym because we get toghrther and have ablast. The disadvantage of middle school is that all the work is being pressured and to much home work. I spent so much time in school and have to come home and spent another two hour of homework.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates minimal focus and meaning. The writer makes a minimal attempt at stating a position . The essay reveals a minimal understanding of purpose and audience, and consequently, it c ompletes few parts of the task.

The essay does not state a clearly defined opinion about the issue. (“ How would you react if you fond out a six-grader that the school disrict has decited to move you back to elemantary school. ”)

The writer mistakenly focuses on the advantages and disadvantages of the school levels instead of presenting a position on whether sixth grade should be moved back to the elementary school. (“ An advantage of elamentary school is recces, get to play in the class room,talk,snack and story time,feld day,and leave early. A disadvantage of middle school is recces ”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support his/her thesis, which is minimally stated. (“ I trully enjoyed having recess with my friends exchanging notes from classes that we enjoy or not. It give us time to exchange thought of what was going on in different class rooms. We has more time to relax. ”)

Content & Development

The writer does not provide specific or relevant content and development. He/she lays out arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support. The writer does not consider the readers’ opposing views or counterarguments, leaving the essay one-sided and minimally developed at best.

Because the writer’s response to the prompt is minimal, it does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. The writer should keep in mind that each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“ The disadvantage of middle school is that all the work is being pressured and to much home work. I spent so much time in school and have to come home and spent another two hour of homework. ”)

There are minimal details that explain or illustrate the writer’s point of view. (“ An advantage of elamentary school is recces, get to play in the class room,talk,snack and story time,feld day,and leave early. A disadvantage of middle school is recces ”)

Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. These details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. Providing these details would result in an essay that integrates solid evidence into the writer’s argument. The writer states that he/she enjoyed aspects of elementary school, but he/she fails to elaborate on whether sixth grade should be included. (“ I trully enjoyed having recess with my friends exchanging notes from classes that we enjoy or not. It give us time to exchange thought of what was going on in different class rooms. We has more time to relax. We enjoy gym because we get toghrther and have ablast. ”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“ How would you react if you fond out a six-grader that the school disrict has decited to move you back to elemantary school. ”)

The essay does not include supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the argument effectively. Also, there are no transitions between paragraphs or sentences. (“ I trully enjoyed having recess with my friends exchanging notes from classes that we enjoy or not. It give us time to exchange thought of what was going on in different class rooms. We has more time to relax. We enjoy gym because we get toghrther and have ablast. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay; it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“ I spent so much time in school and have to come home and spent another two hour of homework. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer's use of language, voice, and style is minimal. The essay reveals poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer uses awkward sentence construction that does not effectively convey his/her ideas. (“How would you react if you fond out a six-grader that the school disrict has decited to move you back to elemantary school. An advantage of elamentary school is recces, get to play in the class room,talk,snack and story time,feld day,and leave early. ”)

The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe and support an opinion statement effectively. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in MY Access! Word Bank. (“I trully enjoyed having recess with my friends exchanging notes from classes that we enjoy or not. It give us time to exchange thought of what was going on in different class rooms.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization, many words are spelled incorrectly, there are run-on sentences, and there are several errors in subject-verb agreement. (“ The disadvantage of middle school is that all the work is being pressured and to much home work. I spent so much time in school and have to come home and spent another two hour of homework. ”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I dont think its a good idea. because they would get picked on and they would be called heartfull names and they would get trashed caned. They should because some kids are good enough to play on the football and basket ball so there is a couple good reasons and a holl lot of bad so i dont think its a good thing to do but it would be awsome.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning. The writer makes almost no effort to state an opinion or persuade readers in any way. The essay satisfies few requirements of the task.

The writer fails to identify his/her position on the issue mentioned in the prompt. The essay seems to address both sides of the argument without taking a definitive position on whether sixth grade should be in elementary school or middle school. (“ I dont think its a good idea. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer uses slang instead of appropriate language. (“ so there is a couple good reasons and a holl lot of bad so i dont think its a good thing to do but it would be awsome. ”)

The purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. The essay lacks an opinion statement. (“ They should because some kids are good enough to play on the football and basket ball so there is a couple good reasons and a holl lot of bad ”)

Content & Development

The writer provides inadequate content and development. He/she makes little attempt to use details for support. He/she does not consider the readers’ opposing views or counterarguments.

The essay does not include details that support a stated opinion. (“because they would get picked on and they would be called heartfull names and they would get trashed caned. ”)

Since the one-paragraph response is so brief, there are no main ideas or body paragraphs in the essay. (“I dont think its a good idea. because they would get picked on and they would be called heartfull names and they would get trashed caned. They should because some kids are good enough to play on the football and basket ball so there is a couple good reasons and a holl lot of bad so i dont think its a good thing to do but it would be awsome. ”) Additionally, the essay does not include at least three main ideas for support.

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples for support. The writer merely makes a vague statement about team sports. (“They should because some kids are good enough to play on the football and basket ball ”)

Organization

The thesis statement/controlling idea cannot be found at the beginning of the essay. (“I dont think its a good idea. because they would get picked on and they would be called heartfull names and they would get trashed caned.”)

The writer does not use transitions to illustrate connections between his/her ideas. (“They should because some kids are good enough to play on the football and basket ball so there is a couple good reasons and a holl lot of bad”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay or leaves readers with something to think about. (“so i dont think its a good thing to do but it would be awsome.”)

Language Use & Style

Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. (“I dont think its a good idea. ”) The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to find additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words for effectively describing the opinions, people, places, and things within the essay.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“because they would get picked on and they would be called heartfull names and they would get trashed caned. ”)

The writing style is inadequate. Because the writer does not explain what the administrators “should” do, his/her voice is muted, and the effectiveness of the argument is lost. (“They should because some kids are good enough to play on the football and basket ball ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished with a line break, and each word is spelled correctly. (“ I dont think its a good idea. because they would get picked on and they would be called heartfull names and they would get trashed caned. They should because some kids are good enough to play on the football and basket ball so there is a couple good reasons and a holl lot of bad so i dont think its a good thing to do but it would be awsome. ”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Sports Teams

Both boys and girls play sports at school. Some students feel that boys and girls should play on the same team, while other students feel it is better for boys and girls to be on different teams. Do you think it is a good idea to have boys and girls on the same team or do you think that boys and girls should play on different teams? Write an essay that convinces your school principal that girls and boys should or should not play on the same team.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Girls and boys should each play together in teams to build up teamwork in a way they might not like but in the future will have to. Sports are exciting and sometimes even invigorating and competitive. Girls are (usually) a little weaker than boys. Maybe if girls had some boys on their team their chances of winning would be increased even higher. If the boys had a few girls on their team it would make their chances pretty even. We could learn from each other and have a great time too!

Agility is a big concern in sports and sometimes girls have more agility than boys. I'd like to make my opinion as clear as possible and I highly harmonize that it's hard to make this decision. I think it would be appropriate for girls and boys to interact together in any sport whether it's considered a sport for boys or a sport for girls. Boys and girls are equally capable to play sports together. When stuck in a situation where the boys don't want to play games with the girls or the girls don't want to play with boys simply describe the facts. Inform the good things about the situations and how it would help the girls to have boys on their team and the same thing to the boys. Once they have thought about it they'll most likely agree that joining forces would be fun and would encourage good sportsmanship.

Now try to let the girls pick which boys they want on their teams that you think is necessary and do the same with the boys. Try to consider the idea of allowing boys and girls to interact together. It will bring them closer together not just as a team but also as friends and get them more comfortable with people they don' t like or know, and most of all it will give them all a better understanding of the strength and power of working and getting along together. Working and participating with each other whether you're alike or different is one of the main goals in life!

If boys and girls would have an opportunity to play sports together they had might as well take it. I've played in games were it was boys vs. girls and we lost by one! Maybe if there was a boy on our team, the odds of succeeding and surpassing our goal would be possible. When it comes to sports, age doesn't always matter, neither does it matter whether you're a boy or a girl, it's teamwork that matters and boys and girls work best when playing with each other. Even if they seem to be enemies, just because they're the opposite gender, they may even become best friends if they're forced to work together. No matter how you think of it, boys will always be the opposite of girls and girls will always be the opposite of boys, but deep down, they're really not that different after all.

Sincerely, Jennifer

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author takes the issue presented in the writing prompt head on. Establishing and maintaining an insightful thesis (“Girls and boys should each play together in teams to build up teamwork in a way they might not like but in the future will have to…”), the author endeavors to persuade the reader of his/her position. Clearly, the author understands the purpose of the assignment and completes all parts of the task.

Content & Development

The author makes several arguments in support of his/her position in this essay. For example, in the second paragraph, the student addresses the advantages girls have over boys in sports. (“Agility is a big concern in sports and sometimes girls have more agility than boys.”) In the third paragraph, the student also makes a point of describing how playing together on a team will help all students in social situations. (“Try to consider the idea of allowing boys and girls to interact together. It will bring them closer together not just as a team but also as friends and get them more comfortable with people they don' t like or know, and most of all it will give them all a better understanding of the strength and power of working and getting along together.”) The author cites relevant information that supports his/her position.

Organization

This essay is organized and sustains a cohesive and unified structure. In the opening paragraph, the author clearly takes a position on the issue and remains focused on it. (“Girls are (usually) a little weaker than boys. Maybe if girls had some boys on their team their chances of winning would be increased even higher. If the boys had a few girls on their team it would make their chances pretty even.”) The body of the essay is appropriately organized using proper paragraphing and topic sentences. The conclusion effectively summarizes the student’s arguments. (“Even if they seem to be enemies, just because they're the opposite of each other, they may even become best friends if they're forced to work together. No matter how you think of it, boys will always be the opposite of girls and girls will always be the opposite of boys, but deep down, they're really not that different after all.”)

Language Use & Style

The author displays effective language use and style. Sentence structure and word choice are correct and varied. (“Sports are exciting and sometimes even invigorating and competitive. “) The student’s voice is defined and identifiable throughout the response. (“Working and participating with each other weather you' re alike or different is one of the main goals in life!”) The author displays a clear sense of his/her audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

This author demonstrates very effective control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. While this essay is not without errors, the errors that are present are mostly minor and do not impede the author’s message.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Some boys think that girls can't do what boys can do in sports. Boys like to do girl things sometimes and people might say your a girl or if girls do boy things they get called a tomboy. Girls can do what boys can do it is just that we are not aloud to because some boys think they are better then girls. Girls are very strong to play sports and some girls are stronger then boys. Why can't boy’s signup for girl sports or girl’s signup for boy’s sports?

Girls and boys can do the same things and they are the same size, and both can get hurt. When girls and boys play together they have more fun than playing by there selves. We learn from each other both how to get along and how to be good teammated. At school we can be on the same team but that is because we have to but we have a lot of fun. There is no reason why we can’t be on the same team.

It's not fair that girls can't be in football or boys can't be in volleyball. The only time boys and girls are on the same team is when they are in soccer teams and cheerleading. Another thing that girls can't be in is baseball. WE can play those sports or atleast deserve a chance to try. Why can only boys play?

Girls are equal to boys and boys are equal to girls. Girls might be weaker than boys but they can still do the same things that boys do. Some girls and boys are shorter or taller but that doesn't make a difference to a lot of people.WE can still play together.

I think boys and girls should join sports together because it is not as fun to play alone. Also us boys and girls are equal and we can all get hurt. I think no one is better and worse and we should all be a good player and be on the same team. Boys and girls together would make a great team!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author responds to this writing prompt by taking the position that “I think no one is better and worse and we should all be a good player and be on the same team.” The author remains focused on this position and works to persuade the reader to accept it. Demonstrating a general understanding of the audience and purpose of this prompt, the author completes most parts of the assigned task.

Content & Development

The author develops his/her arguments in some detail using specific reasons. (“Wh e n girls and boys play together they have more fun than playing by there selves … It's not fair that girls can't be in football or boys can't be in volleyball .. Some girls and boys are shorter or taller but that doesn't make a difference to a lot of people.”) This essay could be improved if more specific information were provided to the reader.

Organization

In a mostly unified manner, the author responds to the issue presented in the writing prompt by asking a key question in the opening paragraph (“Why can't boys signup for girl sports or girls signup for boys sports?). From there, the author’s argument unfolds and is summarized in the conclusion (“I think boys and girls should join sports together because it is not as fun to play alone. Also us boys and girls are equal and we can all get hurt. I think no one is better and worse and we should all be a good player and be on the same team”).

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language use is mostly appropriate for this assignment, but several ins t ances of poor word choice and awkward sentence structure could be improved (“we are not aloud to,” “they have more fun than playing by there selves,” and “At school we can be on the same team but that is because we have to but we have a lot of fun”). Overall, the author controls his/her voice (“Why can't boys signup for girl sports or girls signup for boys sports?”) and has a clear sense of audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

There are few distracting errors in grammar (“Also us boys and girls are equal and we can all get hurt”), mechanics, punctuation, or spelling in this essay. The author’s chief challenge seems to be related to crafting correct sentence structures (“Another thing that girls can't be in is baseball”).

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I think young men and women athletes should be on the same team. Students my age have the same abilities. Some people think boys and girls should not be on the same team. But I think they should be on the same team. There are some young women who want to be on the same team as the young men.

All athletes should be treated the same way in sports. Most women are able to play most sports that men play. People do not think they should play football. In football, some people do not want them to play that because they think they would get hurt or break a leg. This is not true. In our school there is a girl that plays football and boys treat her like a teammate and no one cares. Some boys get to participate in gymnastics because they like it and no one cares about that either.

My point is it does not matter if girls want to play boy sports and boys want to play girl sports.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this rather straightforward essay, the author takes the position that “young men and women athletes should be on the same team.” While not deeply developed per se, the author nonetheless establishes and pursues his/her opinion throughout the essay in an attempt to persuade the reader. Thus, the author adequately completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

This essay is adequately developed. In the main body paragraph, the author discusses the key reason why girls and boys should be allowed on the same team (“All athletes should be treated the same way in sports. Most women are able to play most sports that men play”), citing a real-world example to support it (“In our school there is a girl that plays football and boys treat her like a teammate and no one cares”).

Organization

This essay is adequately organized. The introduction quickly spells out for the reader the author’s opinion on this matter (“There are some young women who want to be on the same team as the young men”). The main body paragraph is dedicated to supporting this position. The concluding sentence, while it does accurately sum up the author’s opinion, is too short and could be improved by being lengthened (“My point is it does not matter if girls want to play boy sports and boys want to play girl sports”).

Language Use & Style

The best way to describe this author’s language style is as simple and frequently repetitive. In the space of the first paragraph, for example, the author uses the phrase “on the same team” a total of four times. The essay certainly uses appropriate language and evinces an awareness of the audience and control of voice.

Mechanics & Conventions

Few major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling are present in this essay to interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Yes I think boy's and girls should play on the same sporting team because if a girl wants to play on a boy's team they should be looked at the same. But I don't think they should play certain kinds of sports such as hockey , and football because in those sports boy's are aggressive maybe even too agressive fore some girls .I think that was a trick question because boy's are stronger than some girls and girls are better than boy's in some things.Some girls can play better than boy's but more physical than girl. My other opion is that it's a free country girls should be aloud to play sports with boy's. I myself have played with girls in alot different sports and some of them were better than some of the boy's on my team.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This is a short, simple essay that sustains a consistent stand on the issue presented in the writing prompt, but it only partially communicates the author’s position to the intended audience (“Yes I think boy's and girls should play on the same sporting team because if a girl wants to play on a boy's team they should be looked at the same”). The author is ultimately unable to be persuasive precisely because his/her position is underdeveloped; thus, the author fails to entirely complete the assigned task.

Content & Development

The author states a few arguments briefly, but supplies insufficient details to support them. Each reason is only a single sentence long, so, while the reader can surely understand the author’s point, it is unlikely that the reader would be swayed to accept it (“But I don't think they should play certain kinds of sports such as hockey , and football because in those sports boy's are aggressive maybe even too agressive fore some girls”).

Organization

The organization of this essay is limited. In the single paragraph written, the first sentence introduces the author’s opinion, and the last sentence is a minimal attempt at a concluding sentence. (“ I myself have played with girls in alot different sports and some of them were better than some of the boy's on my team.”) In between, the author offers reasons to support the position but does not go into great detail.

Language Use & Style

The author’s ability to use language to engage the reader is limited. It is appropriate to the task and usually correct but simple and limited in its descriptive value. The author also fails to properly address the audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

Few errors in grammar, punctuation, and spelling (“agressive” and “opion”) are evident, but they do not interfere with the communication of the author’s message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I think that we should have two different teams one for boys and one for girls.

The reason for this is that boys are stronger than girls. Another reason is that the teams can practice against each other. Also some boys say that girls can't play sports. If girls bet the boys then they will learn a lesson. Also I think that girls should stay away from football because girls might get takeled by the boys.

My name is Sara and that's what I think.

Commentay and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This is a short, simple essay that sustains a consistent stand on the issue presented in the writing prompt, but it only partially communicates the author’s position to the intended audience (“I think that we should have two different teams one for boys and one for girls”). The author is ultimately unable to be persuasive precisely because his/her position is underdeveloped; thus, the author fails to entirely complete the assigned task.

Content & Development

The author states a few arguments briefly, but supplies insufficient details to support them. Each reason is only a single sentence long, so, while the reader can surely understand the author’s point, it is unlikely that the reader would be swayed to accept it (“The reason for this is that boys are stronger than girls. Another reason is that the teams can practice against each other. Also some boys say that girls can't play sports”).

Organization

The organization of this essay is limited. In the single paragraph written, the first sentence introduces the author’s opinion and the last sentence restates it. In between, the author offers reasons to support the position. The transitions among these reasons are awkward and repetitive (“The reason … Another reason … Also … Also”).

Language Use & Style

The author’s ability to use language to engage the reader is limited. It is appropriate to the task and usually correct, but simple and limited in its descriptive value.

Mechanics & Conventions

Few grammatical errors have been committed in this essay, other than a spelling error towards the end (“takeled”).

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I think that girls and boys should play on the same teams. Because in elementry little kids both boys and girls play with each other all the time. For instance kidds like to play soccer and it dosent have to be girls against boys, it can be tjat ther on the same team and still have as much fun and maby more.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

A controlling opinion is stated at the very start of this essay, but the author is unable to remained focused on it or mold it into a persuasive argument (“I think that girls and boys should play on the same teams”). In the end, the author fails to properly complete the assigned task.

Content & Development

Any support provided for the author’s opinion is unclear and shallow (“Because in elementry little kids both boys and girls play with each other all the time”). There is simply not enough information provided in this essay for the reader to reasonably accept the author’s position.

Organization

In this short essay, no organizational scheme can be implemented. Other than a single sentence, the author has made no attempt to introduce the reader to this essay; no concluding remarks whatsoever have been supplied. The body itself is too short to expressive a unified structure.

Language Use & Style

Basic errors in word choice and sentence construction plague this essay (“For instance kidds like to play soccer and it dosent have to be girls against boys, it can be tjat ther on the same team and still have as much fun and maby more”).

Mechanics & Conventions

This author displays minimal control of the conventions and mechanics in writing. Persistent patterns of error in grammar (“Because in elementry little kids both boys and girls play with each other all the time”), mechanics, punctuation (“and it dosent have to be”), and spelling (“tjat ther”) substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

Student Leader

A national student government organization is inviting student leaders to a meeting to be held in Washington , D.C. Your school has been asked to send one student to the meeting. You have been asked to choose the student that your school will send to the meeting. Write an essay that convinces your school principal why the person you have chosen should be sent to the meeting in Washington D.C. As you write your essay, be sure to include convincing details about the personal characteristics and accomplishments of the student you have chosen so that my principal will agree with you.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Principal,

I think the school should choose Susan as the student leader of our school and send her to the meeting that will be held in Washington D.C. I think Susan should be sent to Washington D.C bacause she is a good student and a good example to everybody. Susan is always ready to learn and study in class. She is never late to classes and she is prepared to work and learn. She follows the school's classroom expectations. Susan tries her best to get the most education she can. So she will be a great reflection of our school in the meeting if she was chosen to be sent to Washington D.C.

She has a good personality and she is very intelligent. She is very nice to everypeople and she never treats people unfairly. She not only studies hard but incourages other student to study hard. Susan helps her friend whenever they need help. She gets good grades in her classes like history, science, math, and language arts. I think she learns 10 things when she is taught 1thing is a good way to describe her. She has a good attitude towards everything. Susan has good manners. She doesn't use improper languages and uses indoor voices at all times. She is also very respectable to her parents, her teachers and other adults.

Susan is very responsible with all her work. She takes her works or assignments seriously and puts her best efforts in her works. She is also good at working in a group. She cooperates and participate in activities and does her best. Susan is a very helpful teammember. She knows how to respects others and she treat other people fairly. She can handle problems and situations well. Susan stops or tries to prevent fights when she can. She makes good choices and she knows whats good for others and her. She is very thoughtful. She thinks first before she acts.

I know that Susan will do well in the meeting in Washington D.C if she is sent there because she knows how to express her thoughts to others. Susan will easily understand what the meeting is for and she will know what to say. Susan will not lack anything to be in a meeting and talk with the adults in the meeting. In my opinion, there is nobody that fits better as a student leader to Washington D.C more than Susan.

Sincerely,

Joan

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author’s mission in this essay is to convince the school principal that Susan should be chosen to go to the student leader conference. This mission is accomplished. The author establishes and maintains an insightful thesis (“I think the school should choose Susan as the student leader of our school and send her to the meeting that will be held in Washington D.C. ”) and delivers it in a manner that is persuasive to the intended audience. Through its clear focus, the response is able to maintain its position and complete all parts of the task.

Content & Development

The author develops several arguments for the selection of her candidate that are detailed, relevant, and convincing. (“She gets good grades in her classes like history, science, math, and language arts. I think she learns 10 things when she is taught 1thing is a good way to describe her. She has a good attitude towards everything.”) Additionally, the writer provides sufficient examples to further support her position. (“She is also good at working in a group. She cooperates and participate in activities and does her best. Susan is a very helpful teammember. She knows how to respects others and she treat other people fairly.”)

Organization

This essay exhibits very effective organization. The introduction appropriately establishes a strong controlling idea (“Susan tries her best to get the most education she can. So she will be a great reflection of our school in the meeting if she was chosen to be sent to Washington D.C. ”) Additionally, proper paragraphing and transitional devices are seen throughout the body of the response. The conclusion leaves the reader with a final persuasive point. (“I know that Susan will do well in the meeting in Washington D.C if she is sent there because she knows how to express her thoughts to others.”)

Language Use & Style

In this essay, the author’s language use and style are effective. Although the sentences could benefit from further variety (“She can handle problems and situations well. Susan stops or tries to prevent fights when she can. She makes good choices and she knows whats good for others and her.”), they are well-structured. Additionally, the student uses appropriate words. (“I think Susan should be sent to Washington D.C bacause she is a good student and a good example to everybody. Susan is always ready to learn and study in class. She is never late to classes and she is prepared to work and learn.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This author demonstrates effective control of the mechanics of writing. While this essay is not completely without errors in grammar (“She takes her works”), punctuation, and spelling (“everypeople” and “incourages”), the errors that are present are mostly minor and do not impede the author’s message.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

If you want a good representative you should pick James. He's been here for 3 years and he never got in trouble once. James almost got in trouble once but it was some other guy that got in trouble. James is in student counsel he organizes dances and other activities.

James should go to Washington D.C as our schools representative because he is a straight A student. He never got lower then a B in his whole live. James is in football but when his not there his home doing extra crated home work or studding for a test. He helps others when he gets done with his work. James tutors people after school. James got students of the year they only pick one person thought the whole year and theirs about 400 kids at Todd County Middle School .

James donates old books two the home l shelter and old clothes so that's why he should go because he is a good person. He always doses his work first before he doses some thing else even when it's! Loud he done get distended. He got a failing student up to B in two nights. He helps the teachers make there lesson plan. Helps the teachers when ever he can before school artery his work is done or after school. He is done before every one else most of the time.

He made office refuels go down by 10% and grade went 17% all in just 1 weekend. James did that all by him self by getting the kids with all there work done and no office refuels. There was 100 every week now it down to 90 or below. There was only about 45 going out of 400 now theirs 107 every week now. Now the office has more time to get there work done to the teachers to

So that's why I think that James should be the one that goes to Washington. He will make a good student leader. James isn't sacred to speak in big crowds. James dose stuff for the school and others like teachers'. So that's why I'm electing James.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay strongly communicates the author’s opinion to the intended audience. Clearly establishing and maintaining a focused position (“If you want a good representative you should pick James. He's been here for 3 years and he never got in trouble once”), the author shows the reader that he/she has put a lot of thought into the recommendation that he/she makes in this essay. This essay completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

The author uses detailed body paragraphs to describe three reasons, with supporting facts, why James should go to Washington D.C. (“He made office refuels go down by 10% and grade went 17% all in just 1 weekend. James did that all by him self by getting the kids with all there work done and no office refuels. There was 100 every week now it down to 90 or below.”) This author proves James’ worthiness to go to the conference.

Organization

The author uses an appropriate, five-paragraph structure to adequately persuade the audience. A clear introduction and conclusion are given (“So that's why I think that James should be the one that goes to Washington . He will make a good student leader. James isn't sacred to speak in big crowds. James dose stuff for the school and others like teachers'.So that's why I'm electing James”), as well as three supporting body paragraphs.

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is appropriate to the task. The author’s choice to list the candidate’s qualities conveys the message to the reader, but it is not as interesting or compelling as it could be. Still, the writer displays a clear sense of the audience and uses generally correct sentences with some variety.

Mechanics & Conventions

This author’s control of conventions and mechanics is adequate. Few obvious errors in grammar (“James got students”), mechanics, punctuation, or spelling (“crated”) can be found in this essay, but they do not interfere with the intended message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Mr. B,

I have been asked to choose who will be going to the meeting in Washington , D.C. I had a hard time between three people but I finally have it. I think that we should send Whitney. She is a very responsible 5th grader and is in student council. I know because I too am in Student Council, and am in her class.

She gets good grades, she can handle a lot of work, and she gets along with everybody. Whitney is a talented young girl and is running for Vice President of Student Council. She turns in all of her work in on time, gets good grades on all of it. You can trust her to tell you any information that you need to know and she stays on top of everything she needs to. You know she is good when she is picked to go, out of every student in Mokapu. Well, she is great.

That is why I have chosen Whitney to go to the meeting in Washington D.C. And don't worry if she cannot go, I have set up 2 extra backups. They are Lindsey, and Patrick. They are all very responsible but Whitney is the best for the job, and I hope that I have given you enough information to send Whitney to Washington D.C, she deserves it. Thank you for your time and allowing me to choose the lucky person to go to D.C.. ALOHA!

Sincerely,

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay adequately communicates the author’s opinion to the intended audience. Establishing and maintaining a clear position (“I have been asked to choose who will be going to the meeting in Washington , D.C. I had a hard time between three people but I finally have it. I think that we should send Whitney”) the author shows the reader that s/he has put a lot of thought into the recommendation that s/he makes in this essay. This essay aptly completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

The author devotes the second paragraph to a detailed listing of the qualities that make Whitney an outstanding candidate to attend the conference (“She gets good grades, she can handle a lot of work, and she gets along with everybody”). Interestingly, in attempting to cover all of his/her bases, the author suggests a few additional names in the final paragraph in case Whitney is unable to attend the conference (“And don't worry if she cannot go, I have set up 2 extra backups”).

Organization

In three paragraphs, the author presents a coherent and unified essay to the reader. Both the introduction and conclusion focus the reader’s attention on the author’s position (“Whitney is the best for the job, and I hope that I have given you enough information to send Whitney to Washington D.C, she deserves it. Thank you for your time and allowing me to choose the lucky person to go to D.C.. ALOHA”), while the middle paragraph states the reasons that the author’s position ought to be accepted. Transitional devices help the reader flow from one idea to the next (“That is why I have chosen Whitney”).

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is appropriate to the task, yet it emerges as somewhat repetitive in the second paragraph. The author’s style of listing the candidate’s qualities conveys the message to the reader, but it is not as interesting or compelling as it could be. Still, the writer displays a clear sense of the audience and uses generally correct sentences with some variety.

Mechanics & Conventions

This author’s control of the mechanics and conventions is solid. Few obvious errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling can be found in this essay.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Harris,

I think Evelyn should be chosen to be the student leader in our school. I know that she is honest because when she is in trouble she tells me or she tells another person. When she brakes something, she tells me or she picks it up. Evelyn is responsible too. I know she is responsible because I do not have to tell her that she have to do her homework. When I tell her that she has to do her shore she does it by her self.

Evelyn is smart. She get good grades on her school work and on her report card too. She help some of the student that need help on part of their work. You can trust Evelyn. When you tell her, do something for you she does it. When I need her to babysit with out me she calls of her other friends and asks her if they can babysit with her. This was about if you can choose Evelyn for student leader.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay partially establishes the author’s position (“I think Evelyn should be chosen to be the student leader in our school”) and attempts to persuade the reader to accept it. The author shows a basic understanding of the audience and completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

The author lists many reasons why the reader should send Evelyn to the meeting. Some details are used to enhance and support these reasons (“Evelyn is responsible too. I know she is responsible because I do not have to tell her that she have to do her homework. When I tell her that she has to do her shore she does it by her self”).

Organization

Within two paragraphs, the author attempts to organize his/her response logically. Introductory and concluding remarks (“I think Evelyn should be chosen to be the student leader in our school … This was about if you can choose Evelyn for student leader”) surround the author’s arguments. While logical, the author could make better use of paragraphing and transitional devices to improve the organization of this essay.

Language Use & Style

While generally appropriate for the task and audience, the author’s style of language is simple and reveals several instances of poor word choice and sentence structure (“When I tell her that she has to do her shore she does it by her self” and “When she brakes something”).

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of the conventions and mechanics of writing is adequate for the task. Some errors are present in grammar (“I do not have to tell her that she have to do her homework” and “She get good grades on her school work”), mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Hi my name is Richard. I am one of the student leaders. us as the student body have choose Bill to go to Washington , D.C. The reson why we choose Bill because he is the presendet of the student body of our school. Bill is also the smartest one out of all of us.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response does little to persuade the intended audience to accept the author’s position. There is an attempt to state a position on the issue raised in the writing prompt (“us as the student body have choose Bill to go to Washington, D.C”), but the author shows little understanding of the audience and purpose of the prompt and fails to adequately support his/her position. Thus, this response fails to complete the assigned task.

Content & Development

The author states two reasons for his/her recommendation (“we choose Bill because he is the presendet of the student body of our school. Bill is also the smartest one out of all of us”), but supplies no additional details or information to support them. Inadequate development of this nature leaves the author’s argument weak and unconvincing.

Organization

In the single paragraph provided, no evidence of a unified structure is present. Neither an introduction nor conclusion focuses the reader on the author’s arguments, and the author’s arguments are too short to benefit from any additional paragraphing or transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is poor, with little awareness of audience and basic errors in sentence structure and usage (“us as the student body have choose Bill to go to Washington , D.C”).

Mechanics & Conventions

Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling (“presendet”) highlight the author’s inability to control the mechanics and conventions of writing and make it difficult for the reader to understand the author’s message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Pick Jane to go to Washington , D.C. She is smart. She is a good listener. She would be really good for the job. Don't you think? I do and thnk u shld pick her. It wood be a good choice. Think about it

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The shortness of this essay shows that the author has made almost no effort to state an opinion on the issue presented in the writing prompt or to persuade the intended audienc e (“Pick Jane to go to Washington , D.C”). This essay fails to complete any of the assigned tasks.

Content & Development

No meaningful development of the author’s position can be found in this essay. The author merely suggests a few of the candidate’s personal characteristics (“She is smart. She is a good listener. She would be really good for the job. Don't you think?”). Asking a question of the reader is an interesting literary technique, but it does not substitute for providing solid reasons supported by facts and details to persuade the reader.

Organization

This response demonstrates no evidence of structure with no introduction or conclusion and no use of paragraphing or transitional devices to improve the flow of the essay.

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is simple and does not meet the needs of this writing prompt. The author shows little awareness of audience and does not attempt to use words or sentences to enhance the meaning of this essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author commits few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling in the context of this short response.

The Necessity of Homework

Some parents at your school have started a campaign to limit the amount of homework that teachers can give to students. Teachers at your school have argued that all of that homework is necessary. Do you think that there should be a limit on homework? How many hours of homework per night do you think a student should have to do?

Write a letter to the editor of your local newspaper stating your position on the need for homework. Support your opinion with convincing reasons, details, and examples.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

6161 Northwest 185th St.

Aspen, CO 19060

May 11, 2010

Mrs. Penny Lane, News Editor

2821 Peaches Street

Pasadena CA 19016

Dear Mrs. Lane:

Ah homework, one of the finer things in life. You know the thing that cramps your hand and absorbs all your free time? I just love it, don't you? Of course you don't, well not too much of it at least. My name is Colbert Yakimo, I am 11 years old, and I am a fifth grader at Chevelle Orchid School. I am writing this letter because I am one of the many that has suffered from way too much homework. I also think that someone needs to put an end to too much homework. Here are some reasons why teachers should limit homework; too much of it just causes a big sticky mess for everyone, not all of the students have enough time to finish, and also, too much homework can cause some serious health problems.

To begin with, my first reason for shortening homework is we're going to end up with a mess. Why you ask? Parents, teachers, and students all get affected and bothered by too much homework. Students obviously get affected because they are the ones who have to do all the homework. Parents can also get bothered because they are the ones being pestered with endless and difficult questions about the homework. Finally, the teachers are affected and bothered because they are the ones having to grade the never, and I mean never, ending piles of homework. Do you really want everyone to suffer from too much homework?

Not all students have enough time to finish their homework. I know, you probably think that all students have enough time, and some just don't use it wisely. For some students, this may be very true, but for others, the problem is other activities. For example, some may include after school, sports and instruments that require lots and lots of practice. I should know, as I play the viola and I have to practice 30 minutes a day, at least. By the time this gets done, do you think that there will be time to finish homework or to have some free time for yourself?

Finally, too much homework can cause some serious health problems. Having to read tons and tons of microscopic print can be fatal for your eyes. Also, when kids stay up all night to finish homework, they don't get the required amount of rest that they need, which is 10 hours for growing children our age. Because of all this homework, kids who don't play sports don't get enough of the exercise they need to stay fit and to be healthy. Do you really want out next generation to suffer? Please, think of the children of the future.

I know that there are others who would not like homework to be limited, especially teachers. Some reasons why are because the parents of kids who don't have anything to do after school want to keep their kids occupied, due to the risk of eternal boredom. Trust me, I speak from experience, and I am not that eager to go through it again. Also, you could get more practice on things that you did not really understand in class. For example, once I needed to reread the lesson that taught you the area of triangles a couple times before I understood the material and how to do it. This type of review may be good to a couple students, and even I on some rare occasions. Still, it should not be all the time.

In conclusion, I really think that there should be a restriction on how much homework teachers give. After all, we learned that too much causes trouble for everyone, not many have the time to finish, and can cause some serious health problems. There may be many who won't want this but I can tell you right now, if teachers limit homework, you are going to see a change in happiness for a lot of kids. Thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to read this letter.

Sincerely,

Colbert Yakimo

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer grabs the readers’ attention by effectively using an interesting statement, as well as a question, at the beginning of the introduction. (“Ah homework, one of the finer things in life. You know the thing that cramps your hand and absorbs all your free time? I just love it, don't you? Of course you don't, well not too much of it at least.”)

After the essay grabs the readers’ attention, the author follows with an opinionative statement. This statement is the foundation for the controlling idea of the essay. (“My name is Colbert Yakimo, I am 11 years old, and I am a fifth grader at Chevelle Orchid School. I am writing this letter because I am one of the many that has suffered from way too much homework. I also think that someone needs to put an end to too much homework. Here are some reasons why teachers should limit homework; too much of it just causes a big sticky mess for everyone, not all of the students have enough time to finish, and also, too much homework can cause some serious health problems.”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience. The writer does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“Also, when kids stay up all night to finish homework, they don't get the required amount of rest that they need, which is 10 hours for growing children our age. Because of all this homework, kids who don't play sports don't get enough of the exercise they need to stay fit and to be healthy.”)

Content & Development

Very effective content and development are present in the essay. It effectively develops arguments while u sing a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. Further, the writer convincingly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The essay addresses readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with the author’s own opinion. (“I know that there are others who would not like homework to be limited, especially teachers. Some reasons why are because the parents of kids who don't have anything to do after school want to keep their kids occupied, due to the risk of eternal boredom. Trust me, I speak from experience, and I am not that eager to go through it again. Also, you could get more practice on things that you did not really understand in class. For example, once I needed to reread the lesson that taught you the area of triangles a couple times before I understood the material and how to do it. This type of review may be good to a couple students, and even I on some rare occasions. Still, it should not be all the time.”)

The writer effectively restates questions and counterarguments to further develop his/her reasons and support. (“Not all students have enough time to finish their homework. I know, you probably think that all students have enough time, and some just don't use it wisely. For some students, this may be very true, but for others, the problem is other activities. For example, some may include after school, sports and instruments that require lots and lots of practice. I should know, as I play the viola and I have to practice 30 minutes a day, at least. By the time this gets done, do you think that there will be time to finish homework or to have some free time for yourself?”)

Facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that clarify or illustrate the writer’s opinion are included effectively. (“For example, some may include after school, sports and instruments that require lots and lots of practice. I should know, as I play the viola and I have to practice 30 minutes a day, at least. By the time this gets done, do you think that there will be time to finish homework or to have some free time for yourself?”)

The writer’s details are convincing and explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (“Parents, teachers, and students all get affected and bothered by too much homework. Students obviously get affected because they are the ones who have to do all the homework. Parents can also get bothered because they are the ones being pestered with endless and difficult questions about the homework. Finally, the teachers are affected and bothered because they are the ones having to grade the never, and I mean never, ending piles of homework.”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction, a strong conclusion, and effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The introduction poses a question or makes an unusual or surprising statement. (“Ah homework, one of the finer things in life. You know the thing that cramps your hand and absorbs all your free time? I just love it, don't you?”)

The writer effectively uses clever ways to lead his/her readers from one idea or event to the next. (“By the time this gets done, do you think that there will be time to finish homework or to have some free time for yourself…Finally, too much homework can cause some serious health problems. Having to read tons and tons of microscopic print can be fatal for your eyes. Also, when kids stay up all night to finish homework, they don't get the required amount of rest that they need, which is 10 hours for growing children our age. Because of all this homework, kids who don't play sports don't get enough of the exercise they need to stay fit and to be healthy.”)

Reasons are presented in a logical order. (“In conclusion, I really think that there should be a restriction on how much homework teachers give. After all, we learned that too much causes trouble for everyone, not many have the time to finish, and can cause some serious health problems. There may be many who won't want this but I can tell you right now, if teachers limit homework, you are going to see a change in happiness for a lot of kids.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has very effective language use and style. It demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, a clear sense of audience, and uses well-structured and varied sentences.

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“Parents can also get bothered because they are the ones being pestered with endless and difficult questions about the homework. Finally, the teachers are affected and bothered because they are the ones having to grade the never, and I mean never, ending piles of homework.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in the essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“Because of all this homework, kids who don't play sports don't get enough of the exercise they need to stay fit and to be healthy. Do you really want out next generation to suffer? Please, think of the children of the future.”)

The complex sentence, “Trust me, I speak from experience, and I am not that eager to go through it again,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of conventions and mechanics. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. Each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“Finally, too much homework can cause some serious health problems. Having to read tons and tons of microscopic print can be fatal for your eyes. Also, when kids stay up all night to finish homework, they don't get the required amount of rest that they need, which is 10 hours for growing children our age. Because of all this homework, kids who don't play sports don't get enough of the exercise they need to stay fit and to be healthy. Do you really want out next generation to suffer? Please, think of the children of the future.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

January 5, 2009

Dear Editor:

Did you ever think that children just have too much homework? My name is Claire Restin and I'm in fifth grade in Splashton Heights Elementary School. I'm 11 years old and I am writing to you from Santa Monica, CA. My position is that there is just too much homework! I agree with the parents and think there should be a limit on homework hours each day. I think it should be like this so students could have time. I have three reasons for you; time in school for students to do homework, a limit of how many hours for students to do homework, and less homework to do for students.

My first reason is time in school to do homework. If this happens then students can have less homework to do in their house and parents will not have to argue about having too much homework for students. Also if this happens then students can do after school activities or extracurricular activities because they can finish their homework quick; this is why there should be time in school for students to do their homework.

The second reason I have is a limit on how many hours for students to do homework. There should be a limit of 1-3 hours for kids to do their homework. This way, students could both do athletic activities or extracurricular activities and other things. Also if students finish this, they could do their chores, after school work and other things like playing their computer. So, the parents will be calm and relaxed instead of talking about major looking problems to teachers!

My last reason is lessening homework for students. This should happen so students will not break their backs. Have you ever when students are walking back to home, groaning because they have too much homework? It's not just about their homework, it's also about how students could get hurt and end up going to the hospital just because of a loaded backpack. This could all be avoided. If we don't have that much homework, it could make students much safer and happier.

Some opponents say that after school homework is important, and it can help you make your brain smarter. However, after school homework also makes you stay up late at night and not make you be focused in school the next day. Well, if we didn't have to do the after school homework, then students could be focused in school and not have to be tired all day and whine to their parents.

I'm with the pros and my reasons are time in school for students to do homework, a limit of how many hours for students to do homework, and less homework to do for students. Thanks for your consideration reading my letter.

Sincerely,

Claire Restin

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are presented in the essay. It establishes and maintains a clear thesis statement to persuade readers. It also d emonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience while completing most parts of the task.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by beginning with a question. (“Did you ever think that children just have too much homework?”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“My first reason is time in school to do homework. If this happens then students can have less homework to do in their house and parents will not have to argue about having too much homework for students.”)

The essay includes words that are mostly appropriate for the audience. The writer does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“I'm with the pros and my reasons are time in school for students to do homework, a limit of how many hours for students to do homework, and less homework to do for students. Thanks for your consideration reading my letter.”)

Content & Development

There is good use of content and development in the essay. It develops arguments using sufficient specific, accurate, and relevant details to support the writer’s position. The writer clearly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The essay addresses readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with the thesis by directly offering a counterargument. (“Some opponents say that after school homework is important, and it can help you make your brain smarter. However, after school homework also makes you stay up late at night and not make you be focused in school the next day. Well, if we didn't have to do the after school homework, then students could be focused in school and not have to be tired all day and whine to their parents.”)

The writer’s details are convincing. (“There should be a limit of 1-3 hours for kids to do their homework. This way students could both do athletic activities or extracurricular activities and other things. Also if students finish this, they could do their chores, after school work and other things like playing their computer. So, the parents will be calm and relaxed instead of talking about major looking problems to teachers!”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“My last reason is lessening homework for students. This should happen so students will not break their backs. Have you ever when students are walking back to home, groaning because they have too much homework? It's not just about their homework, it's also about how students could get hurt and end up going to the hospital just because of a loaded backpack. This could all be avoided. If we don't have that much homework, it could make students much safer and happier.”)

Organization

This essay has good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion and consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The introduction gives background information to help readers understand the issue. (“My position is that there is just too much homework! I agree with the parents and think there should be a limit on homework hours each day. I think it should be like this so students could have time. I have three reasons for you; time in school for students to do homework, a limit of how many hours for students to do homework, and less homework to do for students.”)

The essay uses clever ways to lead his/her readers from one idea or event to the next. Transitional words further help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Also if students finish this, they could do their chores, after school work and other things like playing their computer. So, the parents will be calm and relaxed instead of talking about major looking problems to teachers....My last reason is lessening homework for students. This should happen so students will not break their backs.”)

Reasons are presented in a logical order. The following excerpt from the passage demonstrates this strength: “My last reason is lessening homework for students. This should happen so students will not break their backs. Have you ever when students are walking back to home, groaning because they have too much homework? It's not just about their homework, it's also about how students could get hurt and end up going to the hospital just because of a loaded backpack. This could all be avoided. If we don't have that much homework, it could make students much safer and happier.

Language Use & Style

The essay contains good language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. Additionally, the writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety.

The writer uses language to make the arguments more persuasive. (“This should happen so students will not break their backs. Have you ever when students are walking back to home, groaning because they have too much homework? It's not just about their homework, it's also about how students could get hurt and end up going to the hospital just because of a loaded backpack. This could all be avoided. If we don't have that much homework, it could make students much safer and happier.”)

Language and tone are consistent. (“However, after school homework also makes you stay up late at night and not make you be focused in school the next day. Well, if we didn't have to do the after school homework, then students could be focused in school and not have to be tired all day and whine to their parents.”)

The compound-complex sentence, “Well, if we didn't have to do the after school homework, then students could be focused in school and not have to be tired all day and whine to their parents,” is used well.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of conventions and mechanics. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. Paragraphs are distinguished by a line break, and most or all sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter. (“Did you ever think that children just have too much homework? My name is Claire Restin and I'm in fifth grade in Splashton Heights Elementary School. I'm 11 years old and I am writing to you from Santa Monica, CA. My position is that there is just too much homework! I agree with the parents and think there should be a limit on homework hours each day. I think it should be like this so students could have time. I have three reasons for you; time in school for students to do homework, a limit of how many hours for students to do homework, and less homework to do for students.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Mr. Thomason,

My name is Jon Grants and I am a fifth grader in Wind Hills Elementary. I am writing this to explain whether we should have homework or not.

I think that we should not have any homework because without it gives us more time to do recreational activities. Such as: basketball and other healthful activities. It also causes unneeded confusion if you forget your homework. Such as writing this. If I forgot this though none would be able to read this and decide.

There is no essential meaning of homework except to keep you busy and your brain "alive." But doing activities help to keep you busy. Homework is not absolutely needed since it does not value as much credit as quizzes or tests. Everyone also hates homework because sometimes they procrastinate and have to stay up all night so they can finish their homework.

If they did not have any homework they would have more time to do life's essentials. Such as instruments and family time. Some people are seething because they have homework that they cannot finish. They also are frustrated and stressed because of this reason. Some people just throw the homework away and say it was too hard! For the most part I think that homework causes unneeded tension.

Evidently, some people do apparently desire the thought of doing homework because of the fact that they have to waste this time to do the homework. Also teachers do not want to waste supplies by making more copies if they forget anything. A majority of the teachers pay for their own supplies and especially because of the tightening of the school budget!

I know some people who have not even done some homework due a month ago! I have read that a teacher killed a student with rib smashing force because he didn't do his homework! In conclusion, you should not have homework because: It causes unneeded tension, it wastes time, people hate it, and it is not an essential to life.

Regards,

John Grants

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It establishes an opinion/position/thesis statement and then adequately attempts to persuade readers . The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience and completes many parts of the task.

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“There is no essential meaning of homework except to keep you busy and your brain "alive." But doing activities help to keep you busy. Homework is not absolutely needed since it does not value as much credit as quizzes or tests.”)

The thesis adequately states what the author believes about the issue. (“I think that we should not have any homework because without it gives us more time to do recreational activities.”)

The essay mostly uses words that are appropriate for the audience. It rarely or does not include slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“Evidently, some people do apparently desire the thought of doing homework because of the fact that they have to waste this time to do the homework. Also teachers do not want to waste supplies by making more copies if they forget anything.”)

Content & Development

The writer includes some facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that clarify or illustrate his/her opinion.

Most of the writer’s details are convincing. The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate and generally convincing. (“There is no essential meaning of homework except to keep you busy and your brain ‘alive.’ But doing activities help to keep you busy. Homework is not absolutely needed since it does not value as much credit as quizzes or tests. Everyone also hates homework because sometimes they procrastinate and have to stay up all night so they can finish their homework.”)

At least three details are stated about each main idea. (“If they did not have any homework they would have more time to do life's essentials. Such as instruments and family time. Some people are seething because they have homework that they cannot finish. They also are frustrated and stressed because of this reason. Some people just throw the homework away and say it was too hard! For the most part I think that homework causes unneeded tension.”)

Most details are clear, correct, and specific. (“Also teachers do not want to waste supplies by making more copies if they forget anything. A majority of the teachers pay for their own supplies and especially because of the tightening of the school budget!”)

Organization

The essay has adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, but it has inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay uses transitions that help move from one reason or idea to the next. (“Some people just throw the homework away and say it was too hard! For the most part I think that homework causes unneeded tension…Evidently, some people do apparently desire the thought of doing homework because of the fact that they have to waste this time to do the homework. Also teachers do not want to waste supplies by making more copies if they forget anything.”)

Reasons are presented in a logical order. (“There is no essential meaning of homework except to keep you busy and your brain "alive." But doing activities help to keep you busy. Homework is not absolutely needed since it does not value as much credit as quizzes or tests. Everyone also hates homework because sometimes they procrastinate and have to stay up all night so they can finish their homework.

The conclusion adequately wraps up the argument. (“In conclusion, you should not have homework because: It causes unneeded tension, it wastes time, people hate it, and it is not an essential to life.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay has adequate language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, an awareness of audience and control of voice, and generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“There is no essential meaning of homework except to keep you busy and your brain "alive." But doing activities help to keep you busy. Homework is not absolutely needed since it does not value as much credit as quizzes or tests.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor. (“I am writing this to explain whether we should have homework or not.”)

There are a few specific words related to the research. (“Also teachers do not want to waste supplies by making more copies if they forget anything. A majority of the teachers pay for their own supplies and especially because of the tightening of the school budget!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has adequate control of conventions and mechanics. It has some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter, and many paragraphs are distinguished by a line break or indentation. (“I know some people who have not even done some homework due a month ago! I have read that a teacher killed a student with rib smashing force because he didn't do his homework! In conclusion, you should not have homework because: It causes unneeded tension, it wastes time, people hate it, and it is not an essential to life.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

7509 Limber Kiwanis Blvd.

Brighten Beach City, CA 12238

March 17, 2009

Ms. Nixel, Principle

19 Elkgloat Rd

Albertsville, Ca 00376

Dear Ms. Nixel:

I am Luigi Jacksoni at Longley Way elementary school. I am in the fifth grade. I am writing this letter because I think we should have less homework. I have three reasons why we should have less homework.

My first reason is because the present of amount of homework they will finish slower and not accomplish even at home OnTime. So when they don't turn it in, there grades will go down to a two or maybe even a one. So they will be very sad because there parents will get mad at them.

My second reason is because they will have to take summer school and if you don't, you cant take cooking or band or orchestra. So if they don't, they will have to take another class of English or math. So there parents will be mad so they will make you guys go to after school and the kids will be sad. The parents will be sad and angry for not returing the homework on time. The kids will want to ditch school.

My third reason is because they will want to try to ditch school because he or she is failing every grade. If you skip school the police will try to find you and put you back in school.

Regards,

Luigi Jacksoni

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It states an opinion, position, or thesis statement, but it may be unclear or underdeveloped. It demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and completes some parts of the task.

A limited opinion statement with some understanding of purpose and audience is expressed. (“I am writing this letter because I think we should have less homework.”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. (“My second reason is because they will have to take summer school and if you don't, you cant take cooking or band or orchestra. So if they don't, they will have to take another class of English or math.”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience by using some inappropriate or informal language to address the intended readers. (“The kids will want to ditch school.”)

Content & Development

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“My third reason is because they will want to try to ditch school because he or she is failing every grade. If you skip school the police will try to find you and put you back in school.”)

Some of the writer’s details are convincing. (“My first reason is because the present of amount of homework they will finish slower and not accomplish even at home OnTime. So when they don't turn it in, there grades will go down to a two or maybe even a one.”)

The essay needs three to five supporting details in each body paragraph to explain and illustrate each main idea. It also requires more details (specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) that are clear, correct, and specific. (“My second reason is because they will have to take summer school and if you don't, you cant take cooking or band or orchestra. So if they don't, they will have to take another class of English or math. So there parents will be mad so they will make you guys go to after school and the kids will be sad. The parents will be sad and angry for not returing the homework on time. The kids will want to ditch school.”)

Organization

There is limited organization. The essay demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. It also lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices.

Limited evidence of an effective introduction is demonstrated. (“I am Luigi Jacksoni at Longley Way elementary school. I am in the fifth grade. I am writing this letter because I think we should have less homework. I have three reasons why we should have less homework.”)

The essay exhibits limited supporting paragraphs. (“My third reason is because they will want to try to ditch school because he or she is failing every grade. If you skip school the police will try to find you and put you back in school.”)

The limited use of transitional devices may not lead readers to a logical conclusion. (“So if they don't, they will have to take another class of English or math. So there parents will be mad so they will make you guys go to after school and the kids will be sad. The parents will be sad and angry for not returing the homework on time. The kids will want to ditch school.”)

Language Use & Style

There is limited use of language and style in the essay. It demonstrates simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

The writer should use the Thesaurus to replace words and phrases used too often with synonyms or more specific words or phrases. (“So they will be very sad because there parents will get mad at them.”)

Sentences in the essay lack well-developed structure. (“So when they don't turn it in, there grades will go down to a two or maybe even a one. So they will be very sad because there parents will get mad at them.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has limited control of conventions and mechanics. It has several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, ends with a punctuation mark, and begins with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing. (“My first reason is because the present of amount of homework they will finish slower and not accomplish even at home OnTime. So when they don't turn it in, there grades will go down to a two or maybe even a one.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

To the Editor of the Herald,

I think we should have less or at least 1 hour of homework a day from school for several reasons. First, I would like to finish my homework at a fair and reasonable time. Next, I would like to finish with enough time for me to call a friend. Finally, I want enough time to just relax or have some time to take a nap or to catch up on my reading. So my facts should help who ever is reading this to make up his/her mind to decide weather or not to have more or less homework from school.

I think we should have less or at least 1 hour of homework a night.

From, Jack Sloan

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. It demonstrates little attempt at stating an opinion, minimal understanding of the purpose and audience, and c ompletes few parts of the task.

The writer lacks awareness of audience by including slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“Finally, I want enough time to just relax or have some time to take a nap or to catch up on my reading.”)

The position or argument of the essay is not stated in a clear or convincing way in the introduction. (“I think we should have less or at least 1 hour of homework a day from school for several reasons.”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and the intended audience are not clearly identified. (“I think we should have less or at least 1 hour of homework a day from school for several reasons. First, I would like to finish my homework at a fair and reasonable time.”)

Content & Development

This essay has minimal content and development. It develops arguments incompletely and inadequately by using few details to support the writer’s position. The essay may or may not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the opinion statement. Additionally, each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“First, I would like to finish my homework at a fair and reasonable time. Next, I would like to finish with enough time for me to call a friend. Finally, I want enough time to just relax or have some time to take a nap or to catch up on my reading.”)

Minimal details explain and illustrate the evidence. (“First, I would like to finish my homework at a fair and reasonable time.”)

Important details (specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“Next, I would like to finish with enough time for me to call a friend.”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. It demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

Little evidence of an effective introduction is demonstrated. It also does little to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact to hook the readers. (“I think we should have less or at least 1 hour of homework a day from school for several reasons.”)

Effective supporting paragraphs are not created. In fact, the essay is only one full paragraph in length. (“I think we should have less or at least 1 hour of homework a day from school for several reasons. First, I would like to finish my homework at a fair and reasonable time. Next, I would like to finish with enough time for me to call a friend. Finally, I want enough time to just relax or have some time to take a nap or to catch up on my reading. So my facts should help who ever is reading this to make up his/her mind to decide weather or not to have more or less homework from school.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“I think we should have less or at least 1 hour of homework a night.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has minimal language use and style. It demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience. Additionally, the writer makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. This would make the following sentence much more effective: “Next, I would like to finish with enough time for me to call a friend.”

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“So my facts should help who ever is reading this to make up his/her mind to decide weather or not to have more or less homework from school.”)

There is a minimal variety of sentences in this essay. (“I think we should have less or at least 1 hour of homework a day from school for several reasons…I think we should have less or at least 1 hour of homework a night.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

August 21, 2010

Dear Editor,

I do not think i should have homework be caouse it is not nesseray pulus we do it all at school. But if you need more help in math then may be you should get a home work paper to do at home. Then you can get better at it.

From,

Barry

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay has inadequate or no focus and meaning. It demonstrates almost no effort at stating an opinion, position, or thesis statement, and little effort is made to persuade. It completes few or no parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by using appropriate language. (“ I do not think i should have homework be caouse it is not nesseray pulus we do it all at school.”)

The position or argument of the essay is not stated in the introduction. (“ I do not think i should have homework be caouse it is not nesseray pulus we do it all at school.”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“ I do not think i should have homework be caouse it is not nesseray pulus we do it all at school. But if you need more help in math then may be you should get a home work paper to do at home. Then you can get better at it.”)

Content & Development

There are no main ideas in the body paragraphs. In fact, no body paragraphs are written. There is only a short, confusing introduction that attempts to make an argument. (“ I do not think i should have homework be caouse it is not nesseray pulus we do it all at school. But if you need more help in math then may be you should get a home work paper to do at home. Then you can get better at it.”)

At least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument. (“ But if you need more help in math then may be you should get a home work paper to do at home.”)

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support each main idea. (“ Then you can get better at it.”)

Organization

Inadequate or no organization is shown in the essay. It demonstrates no evidence of structure with no introduction or conclusion and no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“ I do not think i should have homework be caouse it is not nesseray pulus we do it all at school. But if you need more help in math then may be you should get a home work paper to do at home. Then you can get better at it.”)

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact to hook the readers. (“ I do not think i should have homework be caouse it is not nesseray pulus we do it all at school.”)

Supporting paragraphs are needed with three or more details to support the opinion or thesis of the essay. (“ But if you need more help in math then may be you should get a home work paper to do at home. Then you can get better at it.”)

A strong conclusion is not included; in fact, no conclusion exists. (“ Then you can get better at it.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has inadequate language use and style. It demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“ I do not think i should have homework be caouse it is not nesseray pulus we do it all at school.”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“ But if you need more help in math then may be you should get a home work paper to do at home.”)

Sentences in the essay are too short. (“ Then you can get better at it.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has inadequate or no control of conventions and mechanics. It has errors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, ends with a punctuation mark, begins with a capital letter, or is indented when beginning a new paragraph. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing. (“I do not think i should have homework be caouse it is not nesseray pulus we do it all at school. ”)

Top Vacation Place

Choose a favorite place you like to visit or go to on vacation and write an essay that convinces students your age to visit that place. Remember to give reasons why your readers should travel to the place you picked.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

On the shores of the beautiful Chesapeake Bay in Maryland there is a family resort called Sandy Cove. When our family takes vacations there we have an awesome time. Apart from the gorgeous views and fun-filled atmosphere, it is also a time of growing spiritually.

Every morning after a delicious breakfast served by the staff we attended a service where there was a short message, prayers, and praise and worship. This time was very special and it helped the day to get off to a great start. After this time was over, all the kids were dismissed to their separate classes and the adults could go attend workshops or whatever they wished.

In my class there were 3 teachers. Every day we had a lesson and prayers, then we were free to play fun activities. Some of the days they took our class to the large recreation center of Sandy Cove where there was a basketball court, volleyball net, ping-pong tables, and air-hockey tables. Another day we were allowed to do the rock-climbing wall. Also, out in the surrounding woods there was the high and low ropes, and other challenging games. The large swimming pool also offered a morning of great fun and exercise.

When lunchtime arrived everyone was allowed to go and meet their families to eat. Again this meal was also provided by the Sandy Cove staff. After lunch there were many activities to choose from that the whole family could participate in. There was the zip line, mini-golf course, baseball and tennis courts, and a mile's hike away from the resort was a lighthouse that we could visit. Of course, the beautiful waters of Chesapeake Bay surrounded us. So as you can imagine, there were many boating activities available as well. Paddle boats, canoes, motorboats, and large pontoon boats all provided exciting and thrilling rides. Close to the resort there was also a small section of water roped off for actual swimming in the bay. For a dip in clean water, the swimming pool was open too. The whole family could also go to the recreation center. There were also many learning workshops offered throughout the afternoon for all ages.

After another good meal for supper provided by the staff, our family would take walks along the shore. As the sun would dip down low and touch the edge of the water on the horizon we watched the breathtaking sunsets. Then we would head inside as the weather got chilly and get to bed. Our days were busy and we had many times together as a family. So as our week at Sandy Cove ended I cherished every moment of it, so as not to forget our wonderful vacation. Sandy Cove had given us an awesome experience and I would tell any family that it is the choice place for a fun-filled vacation that will not leave learning behind.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This author establishes and maintains an insightful opinion on where a family should go on vacation. (“On the shores of the beautiful Chesapeake Bay in Maryland there is a family resort called Sandy Cove. When our family takes vacations there we have an awesome time. Apart from the gorgeous views and fun-filled atmosphere, it is also a time of growing spiritually.”) The author has a thorough understanding of purpose and audience which is evidenced by the opening paragraph. This student completes all parts of the task and includes three descriptive reasons with supporting details. (“Apart from the gorgeous views and fun-filled atmosphere, it is also a time of growing spiritually.”)

Content & Development

This essay very effectively develops arguments by using a wide variety of relevant details to support the writer’s thesis. This writer even includes descriptive examples to entice the reader to visit this location. (“After another good meal for supper provided by the staff, our family would take walks along the shore. As the sun would dip down low and touch the edge of the water on the horizon we watched the breathtaking sunsets.”) This allows the audience to visualize the vacation spot and imagine it as if they were there.

Organization

This essay demonstrates a unified structure with a clear introduction (“On the shores of the beautiful Chesapeake Bay in Maryland there is a family resort called Sandy Cove. When our family takes vacations there we have an awesome time. Apart from the gorgeous views and fun-filled atmosphere, it is also a time of growing spiritually.”), a conclusion, and varied body paragraphs, each with a unique supporting detail. The body paragraphs transition well from one supporting detail to the next; to accomplish this, the author uses sequential transitions.

Language Use & Style

The author’s language use can be described as descriptive and accurately chosen. The author wants the reader to focus on the details that support the thesis. (“There was the zip line, mini-golf course, baseball and tennis courts, and a mile's hike away from the resort was a lighthouse that we could visit. Of course, the beautiful waters of Chesapeake Bay surrounded us. So as you can imagine, there were many boating activities available as well. Paddle boats, canoes, motorboats, and large pontoon boats all provided exciting and thrilling rides. Close to the resort there was also a small section of water roped off for actual swimming in the bay. For a dip in clean water, the swimming pool was open too.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Committing minimal errors in grammar (“Also, out in the surrounding woods there was the high and low ropes”), spelling, and punctuation, this author demonstrates very effective control over the conventions and mechanics of standard, written English

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dolly Wood has to be one of the top family amusement parks and it is so much fun for the entire family! It is a great place to visit with your friends and relatives.

There is so much to see and do, like riding awesome rides. The Tennessee Tornado, a roller coaster, with three loops and a drop of one hundred twenty eight feet going seventy miles per hour is one of the most thrilling rides in the park. Then there is the Thunder Head, another coaster, which drops one hundred feet and goes at the speed of fifty-five mph and is my favorite. The Mountain Sidewinder, a giant water slide,takes place on a small mountain with up to six passengers riding in log shaped rafts. Then away they go swerving from side to side all the way down.

If anyone fills the need to shop there are plenty of stores to choose from in Dolly Wood.Lid'l Dollies Dresses is a great place for little girls looking for an adorable frilly dress.Also,at Custom Glass Works shoppers can actually watch the products of the store being made in the good old-fashioned way!The Grist Mill is another good store to visit they have plenty of kitchen decorations plus numerous kinds of bread,cookies and other delicious treats.

Anyone who needs a good laugh should stop over at David Talents Magic Show where David's hilarious tricks and good-natured humor can all ways send everyone away with a smile.Right next door is his magic shop full of tricks and pranks that will fill any home with laughter.The largest store ,Dolly Wood Emporium is on the way out of the park,it has some of the best selections of purchases in Dolly Wood.All the way from stylish clothes to a wide selection of preserves.

Some of my most favorite restaurants are Aunt Granny's Buffet,Backstage Theater ,and Victoria's Pizzas.So when the family starts to get hungary stop by one of these restaurants or one of the many others in the park.There are many different festivals in Dolly Wood one of them is Kid Fest during this time characters such as Veggie Tales,Garfield and others come for a visit. It's a great time for kids!Another kind is the Festival of Nations groups from all over the world come to Dolly Wood where they do acrobats,dances,and music all from their country.People can even shop at little booths outside filled with all sorts of things from that particular country.

Overall Dolly Wood is a great amusement park for all ages I definitely recommend it!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This author strongly communicates a message to the intended audience by establishing and maintaining a clear controlling idea. (“Dolly Wood has to be one of the top family amusement parks and it is so much fun for the entire family! It is a great place to visit with your friends and relatives.”) Knowledge of the purpose and audience of the prompt is evident; the author directly addresses the reader.

Content & Development

In this essay, ideas are developed clearly by using sufficient, appropriate details. This author addresses four reasons behind why a student and his/her family would benefit from visiting Dollywood. (“There is so much to see and do, like riding awesome rides…. If anyone fills the need to shop there are plenty of stores to choose from in Dolly Wood… Anyone who needs a good laugh should stop over at David Talents Magic Show where David's hilarious tricks and good-natured humor can all ways send everyone away with a smile…. There are many different festivals in Dolly Wood one of them is Kid Fest during this time characters such as Veggie Tales,Garfield and others come for a visit.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a short introduction and conclusion. This author chose to use four body paragraphs, all of which are very detailed. (“There is so much to see and do, like riding awesome rides. The Tennessee Tornado, a roller coaster, with three loops and a drop of one hundred twenty eight feet going seventy miles per hour is one of the most thrilling rides in the park. Then there is the Thunder Head, another coaster, which drops one hundred feet and goes at the speed of fifty-five mph and is my favorite.”) This author does not, however, use transitional devices, which would help the essay flow from one body paragraph to the next.

Language Use & Style

This author demonstrates appropriate language use and word choice and uses a clearly defined voice. (“Some of my most favorite restaurants are Aunt Granny's Buffet,Backstage Theater ,and Victoria's Pizzas.So when the family starts to get hungary stop by one of these restaurants or one of the many others in the park.”) The use of well-structured, varied sentences is evident.

Mechanics & Conventions

This author shows a clear understanding of the conventions and mechanics of standard, written English. Few errors in grammar, punctuation (“The largest store ,Dolly Wood Emporium”), and spelling are evident, but they do not interfere with the message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

When you go to the beach in Golf Shores , Alabama you will a relaxing and enjoyable time. You can go with family for a summer break. You can go for a week or two.

The sand there is soft and very white. There were many neat looking shells to collect. You can make sandcastles, and dig big holes. The water is very warm. Since the water is warm you never have to worry about getting cold. It has good waves to surf in. It is very delightful to swim in.

Many people stay in condos. They are right on the beach. You do not have to walk very far to get to the water. The rooms are very pleasing. The condos have nice decks that you can just sit and relax.

You can feed the seagulls your leftover food. Sometimes they will come right up to you. It is funny to see them fight over the food. The evenings are cool and pleasant. You can go for many walks. You can see water birds on your walk. The sunsets are beautiful. If you like to fish, it is a good place. Many people catch a bunch. There are many in the water that are swimming around.

Therefore, I would encourage everyone to go Gulf Shores for summer break. It is very pleasant and enjoyable for a summer break. If any of you go, I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author adequately communicates his/her message to the intended audience. By establishing a controlling idea in the introduction (“When you go to the beach in Golf Shores , Alabama you will a relaxing and enjoyable time. You can go with family for a summer break. You can go for a week or two.”), the author demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience of the prompt.

Content & Development

The writer adequately develops ideas which support the clearly defined thesis. (“The sand there is soft and very white. There were many neat looking shells to collect. You can make sandcastles, and dig big holes. The water is very warm”) This author fails, though, to develop his/her ideas fully with relevant and descriptive supporting details.

Organization

This essay demonstrates a generally unified structure, a noticeable introduction that briefly discusses the top place to visit, as well as a concluding paragraph which simply repeats what was stated in the introduction. The story is not persuasive because it does not restate reasons to visit the Gulf shores. (“Therefore, I would encourage everyone to go Gulf Shores for summer break. It is very pleasant and enjoyable for a summer break. If any of you go, I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.”) This author also fails to use transitional phrases in the body paragraphs.

Language Use & Style

In this essay, the author demonstrates appropriate language use and word choice. The author writes in a style that is appropriate for this audience, but he/she composes sentences with minimal variety. (“Many people stay in condos. They are right on the beach. You do not have to walk very far to get to the water. The rooms are very pleasing. The condos have nice decks that you can just sit and relax.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This author maintains adequate control of the conventions of writing. Few errors in grammar (“you will a relaxing”), punctuation, or spelling are evident in this essay, and they do not interfere with the author’s intended message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I believe that the best vacation place is Williamsburg Virginia . One of my reasons is that it is a very historic place. It is like a huge museum, only outside, and there are people who pretend to be in colonial times. There are about five taverns in Colonial Williamsburg. The best one, Shields, serves adelicious corn chowder. A really fun thing, is the maze behind the Governor's house. The maze, built out of hedges is a very tricky maze at first, but after the first time going through it; it is very easy, but its always going to be fun.

Also, there is the three Smiths the Silversmith, the Blacksmith, and the Gunsmith. My favorite is the Silversmith, because I like the little tinging noise the Silversmith makes when he hammers. Another place to go is the carpenters' shop. I enjoy going to the carpenter's wood shop particularly, because he had lots of wood working tools, and saws; I also liked the smell of the wood shop. The theater is another interesting thing in Colonial Williamsburg.The theater puts on a hilarious play; the best part is that its only thirty minuets long! After all I have written it proves that Williamsburg Virginia , is the best place to go on vacation on the planet.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay only partially communicates a clear message to the audience. The author establishes a controlling idea (“I believe that the best vacation place is Williamsburg Virginia . One of my reasons is that it is a very historic place. It is like a huge museum, only outside, and there are people who pretend to be in colonial times.”) but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience. The author reveals what he/she did on vacation but is not persuasive as to why others should want to visit there as well. The focus of the essay is too narrow.

Content & Development

The author supplies some details to support his/her central idea, but he/she develops these details briefly and inconsistently. (“A really fun thing, is the maze behind the Governor's house. The maze, built out of hedges is a very tricky maze at first, but after the first time going through it; it is very easy, but its always going to be fun.”) In order for this essay to be successful, the author needs to discuss more in-depth reasons to visit Williamsburg , besides the few minor points already listed.

Organization

This essay contains a clear introduction, but just one concluding sentence is found in the only body paragraph. The main ideas should be separated into their own body paragraphs, but they lack adequate supporting details and are subsequently bunched together. (“Also, there is the three Smiths the Silversmith, the Blacksmith, and the Gunsmith. My favorite is the Silversmith, because I like the little tinging noise the Silversmith makes when he hammers. Another place to go is the carpenters' shop. I enjoy going to the carpenter's wood shop particularly, because he had lots of wood working tools, and saws; I also liked the smell of the wood shop. The theater is another interesting thing in Colonial Williamsburg.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates simple language use and limited awareness of audience. (“The theater is another interesting thing in Colonial Williamsburg.The theater puts on a hilarious play; the best part is that its only thirty minuets long! After all I have written it proves that Williamsburg Virginia , is the best place to go on vacation on the planet.”) Because the essay is only two paragraphs long, it lacks use of transitional devices to help it flow smoothly.

Mechanics & Conventions

This author shows limited control over the conventions and mechanics of writing. Several noticeable errors in grammar (“Also, there is the three”), mechanics (“its”), and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Iguazu Falls are the widest waterfalls in the world and also are a positively wonderful spot to vacation. These falls are on the borders of Argentina , Brazil , and Paraguay . One of many advantages of vacationing here is a first hand experience with wildlife. Coatis, crocodiles, armadillos, capybaras, and many other animals live by the falls. Another advantage is a ride on a motorboat that zooms up close to the waterfalls at top speeds. If you buy a larger package, you can also tour the jungle on a jeep.

Other attractive things to do there are: buying wood animals, walking by the different falls, and riding the jungle train. Iguazu Falls is an exquisite spot to visit, and I hope you will visit it someday.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay suggests a controlling idea (“ Iguazu Falls are the widest waterfalls in the world and also are a positively wonderful spot to vacation. These falls are on the borders of Argentina , Brazil , and Paraguay . One of many advantages of vacationing here is a first hand experience with wildlife.”), but it demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience. The author completes few parts of the task.

Content & Development

The author of this essay is unsuccessful at developing ideas completely and adequately. This essay lacks details to support ideas. (“Another advantage is a ride on a motorboat that zooms up close to the waterfalls at top speeds. If you buy a larger package, you can also tour the jungle on a jeep. Other attractive things to do there are: buying wood animals, walking by the different falls, and riding the jungle train.”) While the essay lists three main reasons to visit Iguaza F alls , they are poorly supported and are not persuasive.

Organization

This essay lacks a unified structure; it consists of a single introductory paragraph which also functions as a body paragraph and a two sentence conclusion. The introduction includes a strong thesis but fails to elaborate with equally strong supporting details in the body of the essay. There is no evidence of a developed conclusion, only a simple closing remark. (“ Iguazu Falls is an exquisite spot to visit, and I hope you will visit it someday.”)

Language Use & Style

The language used in this essay is adequate, but much like the essay, it is short and underdeveloped. The author, however, does vary his/her sentence structure and word choice. (“These falls are on the borders of Argentina , Brazil , and Paraguay . One of many advantages of vacationing here is a first hand experience with wildlife. Coatis, crocodiles, armadillos, capybaras, and many other animals live by the falls. Another advantage is a ride on a motorboat that zooms up close to the waterfalls at top speeds. If you buy a larger package, you can also tour the jungle on a jeep.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer shows adequate control over the conventions and mechanics of writing. Few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling (“Coatis”) are evident, and they do not interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I am going to tell you the grates vacation place is Delaware . One reason I picked Delaware is because I like the beach. If you like the beach with the yellow sand and the dark blue water you should go but if you do not like the beach there are shops to hit. Second there are hotels if you don't like the hotel you can look forward to the pool if you have a pool at the hotel.If not you can read a book or play.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the writer makes the introductory statement (“I am going to tell you the grates vacation place is Delaware.”) but does not further this idea with supporting details. The author demonstrates minimal understanding of purpose and audience.

Content & Development

The writer begins to respond to the prompt but fails to develop ideas completely. (“One reason I picked Delaware is because I like the beach. If you like the beach with the yellow sand and the dark blue water you should go but if you do not like the beach there are shops to hit.”) This essay lacks coherent supporting details that directly address the prompt. (“Second there are hotels if you don't like the hotel you can look forward to the pool if you have a pool at the hotel.If not you can read a book or play.”)

Organization

There is no evidence of a unified structure in this essay; it lacks a meaningful introduction and conclusion. The author states a thesis but fails to develop it into a multi-paragraph essay

Language Use & Style

Using very simple language, this author fails to provide varied sentence structure and word choice. (“I am going to tell you the grates vacation place is Delaware . One reason I picked Delaware is because I like the beach.”) The author addresses the audience but fails to provide the reader with an adequate essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

This author demonstrates minimal control over the conventions and mechanics of written English. There are minor errors in grammar (“hotels if you don't like the hotel”), punctuation, and spelling (“grates”) in this piece.

Underground Railroad

Think about the stories you read in the "Civil War" unit and the challenges people faced during that time. Imagine your friend has asked you to help (him or her) make a decision whether or not to escape to the North using the Underground Railroad.

Write a multiple-paragraph position paper to help persuade your friend and influence the decision that will be made. Decide on a clear position regarding whether or not your friend should go. Support your position with arguments and with relevant and logical evidence and details for each argument. Remember to address your friend's concerns.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

It has come to my attention that you have been taking into consideration the idea of abandoning your role as a slave on Mr. Whipper's plantation. While I could understand how alluring the idea of freedom would be for you right now, I have decided to write to you in an attempt to persuade you otherwise. At the present moment, I would consider your quest for freedom to be both irresponsible, dangerous, and honestly just a general foolish choice. I cannot stress enough the dangers and general uselessness that would come from abandoning your plantation. And I hope you will come to understand my reasoning.

Firstly, the danger in doing that would come from attempting to escape. Friend, we are in the middle of a war; if a Confederate soldier on patrol were to find you, of which there are many, it would surely mean your death. Maybe previous to these events I would consider suggesting you look for freedom, but not now. Although even then, without all of the troops, the trek to freedom is a dangerous one. Think of all that could happen. If you hurt yourself out there who could help you? What if you starve or get attacked by an animal? All of these scenarios could wind up happening, and most likely will. The risk does not yet outweigh the reward at this time. To leave now would almost assuredly mean your demise, and they are all much more dangerous than the situation you are currently in. The best thing for you to do right now is try and avoid all of these dangers. And I very much hope that you will.

Furthermore, what would happen to your family, your wife and two children? You are the very reason they still have the motivation to get up and continue to live each day. How would they ever go on without you? And this isn't even factoring in the possibility that they would be convicted for helping you escape, even if they had nothing to do with your quest for freedom. Even if you did plan on coming back and rescuing them, they would rather unfortunately most likely be dead. I assure you, it would be best for you to remain at the plantation and tend to your family.

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, is the fact you do not have to attempt to escape to gain your freedom. The Union army is closing in on the Confederates. The Confederate army is pushed deep into the south, and Robert E Lees' army has been facing defeat after defeat, while the Union army is continuing to press on. You very well know, with them comes freedom. It would be totally pointless for you to search for freedom right now, as you and your entire family will soon be facing liberation, all of your people. Putting yourself and your family in the way of harm just for a taste of freedom too early would be foolish. And I could do nothing to suggest that you just be patient, as soon the entire idea of slavery will be forgotten about. You and your entire family will be able to live free and without fear of persecution.

I hope after reading this I have effectively convinced you to remain at Mr. Whipper's plantation, although just for a bit longer. As I had said before, freedom is going to come soon enough. Hopefully, you will take this into consideration and the well being of both yourself and your family. Before you ever consider abandoning them, consider their safety. So please, friend, I hope that you will consider staying there, and keeping yourself and your family safe, and just simply wait. Wait for the freedom that is inevitable.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

After the writer grabs the readers’ attention, he/she follows with an opinionative statement. (“It has come to my attention that you have been taking into consideration the idea of abandoning your role as a slave on Mr. Whipper's plantation. While I could understand how alluring the idea of freedom would be for you right now, I have decided to write to you in an attempt to persuade you otherwise. At the present moment, I would consider your quest for freedom to be both irresponsible, dangerous, and honestly just a general foolish choice.”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for the purpose of convincing his/her intended audience of the stated point of view. (“Think of all that could happen. If you hurt yourself out there who could help you? What if you starve or get attacked by an animal? All of these scenarios could wind up happening, and most likely will. The risk does not yet outweigh the reward at this time. To leave now would almost assuredly mean your demise, and they are all much more dangerous than the situation you are currently in. The best thing for you to do right now is try and avoid all of these dangers. And I very much hope that you will.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea and uses supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion that trying to escape would be an unnecessary risk and a futile effort. (“The Confederate army is pushed deep into the south, and Robert E Lees' army has been facing defeat after defeat, while the Union army is continuing to press on. You very well know, with them comes freedom. It would be totally pointless for you to search for freedom right now, as you and your entire family will soon be facing liberation, all of your people. Putting yourself and your family in the way of harm just for a taste of freedom too early would be foolish.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, appropriate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue of escaping from slavery. The essay aptly addresses the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, examples, and/or anecdotes to illustrate his/her point of view. (“Firstly, the danger in doing that would come from attempting to escape. Friend, we are in the middle of a war; if a Confederate soldier on patrol were to find you, of which there are many, it would surely mean your death. Maybe previous to these events I would consider suggesting you look for freedom, but not now. Although even then, without all of the troops, the trek to freedom is a dangerous one. Think of all that could happen. If you hurt yourself out there who could help you? What if you starve or get attacked by an animal? All of these scenarios could wind up happening, and most likely will.”)

The writer effectively includes a personal anecdote that illustrates his/her opinion. He/she proposes that an escape may endanger the lives of family members left behind. (“Furthermore, what would happen to your family, your wife and two children? You are the very reason they still have the motivation to get up and continue to live each day. How would they ever go on without you? And this isn't even factoring in the possibility that they would be convicted for helping you escape, even if they had nothing to do with your quest for freedom. Even if you did plan on coming back and rescuing them, they would rather unfortunately most likely be dead. I assure you, it would be best for you to remain at the plantation and tend to your family.”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. He/she assures the readers that staying on the plantation will not be terrible because slavery will end soon, and there are too many risks involved in fleeing. (“Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, is the fact you do not have to attempt to escape to gain your freedom. The Union army is closing in on the Confederates. The Confederate army is pushed deep into the south, and Robert E Lees' army has been facing defeat after defeat, while the Union army is continuing to press on. You very well know, with them comes freedom. It would be totally pointless for you to search for freedom right now, as you and your entire family will soon be facing liberation, all of your people. Putting yourself and your family in the way of harm just for a taste of freedom too early would be foolish. And I could do nothing to suggest that you just be patient, as soon the entire idea of slavery will be forgotten about. You and your entire family will be able to live free and without fear of persecution.”)

Organization

The essay's introduction is creative and grabs the readers’ attention. (“It has come to my attention that you have been taking into consideration the idea of abandoning your role as a slave on Mr. Whipper's plantation. While I could understand how alluring the idea of freedom would be for you right now, I have decided to write to you in an attempt to persuade you otherwise. At the present moment, I would consider your quest for freedom to be both irresponsible, dangerous, and honestly just a general foolish choice. I cannot stress enough the dangers and general uselessness that would come from abandoning your plantation. And I hope you will come to understand my reasoning.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “firstly,” “furthermore,” and “lastly” to help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“Firstly, the danger in doing that would come from attempting to escape. Friend, we are in the middle of a war; if a Confederate soldier on patrol were to find you, of which there are many, it would surely mean your death. Maybe previous to these events I would consider suggesting you look for freedom, but not now. Although even then, without all of the troops, the trek to freedom is a dangerous one.”)

The conclusion effectively wraps up the argument and leaves the readers with a request to consider the writer’s points before arriving at a decision. (“I hope after reading this I have effectively convinced you to remain at Mr. Whipper's plantation, although just for a bit longer. As I had said before, freedom is going to come soon enough. Hopefully, you will take this into consideration and the well being of both yourself and your family. Before you ever consider abandoning them, consider their safety. So please, friend, I hope that you will consider staying there, and keeping yourself and your family safe, and just simply wait. Wait for the freedom that is inevitable.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“While I could understand how alluring the idea of freedom would be for you right now, I have decided to write to you in an attempt to persuade you otherwise. At the present moment, I would consider your quest for freedom to be both irresponsible, dangerous, and honestly just a general foolish choice. I cannot stress enough the dangers and general uselessness that would come from abandoning your plantation. And I hope you will come to understand my reasoning.”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences that ask questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and semicolons. (“If you hurt yourself out there who could help you? What if you starve or get attacked by an animal? All of these scenarios could wind up happening, and most likely will. The risk does not yet outweigh the reward at this time. To leave now would almost assuredly mean your demise, and they are all much more dangerous than the situation you are currently in. The best thing for you to do right now is try and avoid all of these dangers. And I very much hope that you will.”)

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement. (“Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, is the fact you do not have to attempt to escape to gain your freedom. The Union army is closing in on the Confederates. The Confederate army is pushed deep into the south, and Robert E Lees' army has been facing defeat after defeat, while the Union army is continuing to press on. You very well know, with them comes freedom. It would be totally pointless for you to search for freedom right now, as you and your entire family will soon be facing liberation, all of your people. Putting yourself and your family in the way of harm just for a taste of freedom too early would be foolish.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, and words are spelled correctly. (“It has come to my attention that you have been taking into consideration the idea of abandoning your role as a slave on Mr. Whipper's plantation. While I could understand how alluring the idea of freedom would be for you right now, I have decided to write to you in an attempt to persuade you otherwise. At the present moment, I would consider your quest for freedom to be both irresponsible, dangerous, and honestly just a general foolish choice.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dear Sasha,

I have heard about your plans to escape from your plantation through the underground railway. I believe that you should not escape. There are multiple reasons as to why you shouldn't escape. The first reason is that you would have to leave your kids behind, unless you think you are strong enough to bring them along. The second reason is the journey is very long and you will come across natural barriers and you may not make it all the way to the North. If you are caught, the consequences will be harsh. The last reason is that your plantation owner treats you well, unlike some slave owners.

You should stay on the plantation for the love of your kids. If you plan on leaving, you will have to leave your children, unless you are capable of carrying four kids with you for around 600 miles to freedom. Many women have tried to take the hike with their kids and they have proven that it is not an easy task, for most of them have been caught. You and your children will most definitely get hungry, and there will be no one to provide you with food. Do not force your kids to have to deal with not having their mother around or going through the treacherous conditions of the wild outdoors.

Like I said before, the journey is 600 miles or more! You will come in contact with wild animals and natural barriers, such as rivers, lakes, mountains, etc. Also weather conditions will be another obstacle you will have to overcome, it may be very hot or very cold depending on when you plan on leaving. If you are caught there will be serious consequences. You will be lashed 300 times or more, and your children could possibly be sold.

My final reason is that your plantation owner treats you well. Some slaves are beaten by their owners and women are abused by their owners. Your owner doesn't hurt you in any way except making you work long hours, just like any ordinary slave. You are not suffering from malnutrition or sick from any diseases. The man even lets you sleep in his home in a bed, it may be old, but it's a bed!

You should now realize that you it would not be in your favor to run away. Your kids will be happy with their ordinary slave lives as long as you are their to comfort them. The Journey is very long and it is a slim chance that you will make it half way to the North. You're a lucky woman due to the fact that your owner is so caring towards you. Don't try to escape! The escape will not work!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue of escaping from slavery. (“I have heard about your plans to escape from your plantation through the underground railway. I believe that you should not escape. There are multiple reasons as to why you shouldn't escape. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“The first reason is that you would have to leave your kids behind, unless you think you are strong enough to bring them along. The second reason is the journey is very long and you will come across natural barriers and you may not make it all the way to the North. If you are caught, the consequences will be harsh. The last reason is that your plantation owner treats you well, unlike some slave owners. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“You should stay on the plantation for the love of your kids. If you plan on leaving, you will have to leave your children, unless you are capable of carrying four kids with you for around 600 miles to freedom. Many women have tried to take the hike with their kids and they have proven that it is not an easy task, for most of them have been caught. You and your children will most definitely get hungry, and there will be no one to provide you with food. Do not force your kids to have to deal with not having their mother around or going through the treacherous conditions of the wild outdoors. ”)

Content & Development

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that effectively argue the stated position. (“Like I said before, the journey is 600 miles or more! You will come in contact with wild animals and natural barriers, such as rivers, lakes, mountains, etc. Also weather conditions will be another obstacle you will have to overcome, it may be very hot or very cold depending on when you plan on leaving. If you are caught there will be serious consequences. You will be lashed 300 times or more, and your children could possibly be sold. ”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own stance on the issue. (“My final reason is that your plantation owner treats you well. Some slaves are beaten by their owners and women are abused by their owners. Your owner doesn't hurt you in any way except making you work long hours, just like any ordinary slave. You are not suffering from malnutrition or sick from any diseases. The man even lets you sleep in his home in a bed, it may be old, but it's a bed! ”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“You should stay on the plantation for the love of your kids. If you plan on leaving, you will have to leave your children, unless you are capable of carrying four kids with you for around 600 miles to freedom. Many women have tried to take the hike with their kids and they have proven that it is not an easy task, for most of them have been caught. You and your children will most definitely get hungry, and there will be no one to provide you with food. Do not force your kids to have to deal with not having their mother around or going through the treacherous conditions of the wild outdoors. ”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing and subtle transitions, which keeps the flow of the argument smooth and consistent.

The essay's introduction includes a salutation indicating that the writer is addressing a friend in a letter. It also provides a preview of the writer’s reasons for staying on the plantation and not attempting an escape. (“Dear Sasha… I have heard about your plans to escape from your plantation through the underground railway. I believe that you should not escape. There are multiple reasons as to why you shouldn't escape. The first reason is that you would have to leave your kids behind, unless you think you are strong enough to bring them along. The second reason is the journey is very long and you will come across natural barriers and you may not make it all the way to the North. If you are caught, the consequences will be harsh. The last reason is that your plantation owner treats you well, unlike some slave owners. ”)

Transitions help show how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“My final reason is that your plantation owner treats you well. Some slaves are beaten by their owners and women are abused by their owners. Your owner doesn't hurt you in any way except making you work long hours, just like any ordinary slave. You are not suffering from malnutrition or sick from any diseases. The man even lets you sleep in his home in a bed, it may be old, but it's a bed! ”)

The conclusion wraps up the writer's argument and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“You should now realize that you it would not be in your favor to run away. Your kids will be happy with their ordinary slave lives as long as you are their to comfort them. The Journey is very long and it is a slim chance that you will make it half way to the North. You're a lucky woman due to the fact that your owner is so caring towards you. Don't try to escape! The escape will not work! ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses language to argue his/her position on the issue effectively. (“You should stay on the plantation for the love of your kids. If you plan on leaving, you will have to leave your children, unless you are capable of carrying four kids with you for around 600 miles to freedom. Many women have tried to take the hike with their kids and they have proven that it is not an easy task, for most of them have been caught. You and your children will most definitely get hungry, and there will be no one to provide you with food. Do not force your kids to have to deal with not having their mother around or going through the treacherous conditions of the wild outdoors. ”)

The language and tone in the essay are consistent with the writer’s point of view. The writer's use of coherent style and tone ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“Like I said before, the journey is 600 miles or more! You will come in contact with wild animals and natural barriers, such as rivers, lakes, mountains, etc. Also weather conditions will be another obstacle you will have to overcome, it may be very hot or very cold depending on when you plan on leaving. If you are caught there will be serious consequences. You will be lashed 300 times or more, and your children could possibly be sold. ”)

The writer combines short sentences by using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. (“My final reason is that your plantation owner treats you well. Some slaves are beaten by their owners and women are abused by their owners. Your owner doesn't hurt you in any way except making you work long hours, just like any ordinary slave. You are not suffering from malnutrition or sick from any diseases. The man even lets you sleep in his home in a bed, it may be old, but it's a bed! ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, and words are spelled correctly. (“You should now realize that you it would not be in your favor to run away. Your kids will be happy with their ordinary slave lives as long as you are their to comfort them. The Journey is very long and it is a slim chance that you will make it half way to the North. You're a lucky woman due to the fact that your owner is so caring towards you. Don't try to escape! The escape will not work! ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I think that you should run away from being a slave because you can be free. Also you don't have to do someone's else's work. Maybe you can travel with your family. The last reason to run away is that you can explore.

The first reason to run away is that you can be free. Many people think that black people look like slaves, and they think slavery is fun, but some people think slavery is not fun and they are right. It is not fair, and it is not fun. If you can escape and find a home, you can be free, but you have to know the trails to get to freedom.

The second reason to escape from slavery is that you won't have to work for someone else anymore. You don't have to plant seeds in the garden, weed the garden, clean in the house, and stuff like that. When you run away, you don't have to do someone's else's work. When you find a home, you still have to work in your own garden and house, but you are not owned by anyone. You can choose what you want to do and not let your owner pick it for you.

The third reason to run away is that maybe you can travel with your family. Sometimes families don't get separated, so they can escape together. If you don't have your family, or your family gets separated, then you have to travel by yourself. You have to believe that your family still loves you in their hearts. Also you would need to learn about the trails, so you know where to go. Some families believe that if you follow the north star it will led you to freedom. A lot of slaves believe in God. Some slave families have special quilts that have special pictures on it, so they can tell other slaves that they are running away.

The last reason for not wanting to be a slave is that you can explore. You can discover new lands and see and discover new things that you never knew about before. If you want to come back and save some other slaves, you will know what trails to go on because you have been on it before. Also you would have to learn about the trails, so you know where to go. If you follow the north star, people say that it will lead you to freedom. To get through the woods, you have to learn special things. You need to know how to swim, and you have to know how to walk through the woods without making a sound.

You may not think that running away is not a good idea, but I think running away would be hard, but a good idea if you want to be free.

I strongly believe that you should run away. You can be free; you do not have to do someone else's work; you can travel with your family; you can explore and see new things.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes an opinion/position/thesis statement about whether or not it is a good idea to escape from slavery and adequately attempts to argue the issue presented in the prompt task . Additionally, the writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and intended audience, which satisfies many parts of the prompt task.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“I think that you should run away from being a slave because you can be free.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“The first reason to run away is that you can be free. Many people think that black people look like slaves, and they think slavery is fun, but some people think slavery is not fun and they are right. It is not fair, and it is not fun. If you can escape and find a home, you can be free, but you have to know the trails to get to freedom.”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“I strongly believe that you should run away. You can be free; you do not have to do someone else's work; you can travel with your family; you can explore and see new things.”)

Content & Development

Most of the writer’s details support the argument for running away. The essay explains that determining one’s own life course is better than following the orders of a slave owner. (“The second reason to escape from slavery is that you won't have to work for someone else anymore. You don't have to plant seeds in the garden, weed the garden, clean in the house, and stuff like that. When you run away, you don't have to do someone's else's work. When you find a home, you still have to work in your own garden and house, but you are not owned by anyone. You can choose what you want to do and not let your owner pick it for you.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“The third reason to run away is that maybe you can travel with your family. Sometimes families don't get separated, so they can escape together. If you don't have your family, or your family gets separated, then you have to travel by yourself. You have to believe that your family still loves you in their hearts. Also you would need to learn about the trails, so you know where to go. Some families believe that if you follow the north star it will led you to freedom. A lot of slaves believe in God. Some slave families have special quilts that have special pictures on it, so they can tell other slaves that they are running away.”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her position on the issue. A solid persuasive argument always addresses the counter viewpoints, and in this case, the writer could devote more content to the paragraph earmarked for the opposing viewpoints. The writer can integrate statistics, examples, or experiences to bolster this section of the essay. (“You may not think that running away is not a good idea, but I think running away would be hard, but a good idea if you want to be free.”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction adequately previews the writer’s reasons for encouraging his/her friend to escape. (“I think that you should run away from being a slave because you can be free. Also you don't have to do someone's else's work. Maybe you can travel with your family. The last reason to run away is that you can explore.”)

The writer uses transitions such as “the first reason,” “the second reason,” and “the last reason,” which help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitional words help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected. (“The last reason for not wanting to be a slave is that you can explore. You can discover new lands and see and discover new things that you never knew about before. If you want to come back and save some other slaves, you will know what trails to go on because you have been on it before. Also you would have to learn about the trails, so you know where to go. If you follow the north star, people say that it will lead you to freedom. To get through the woods, you have to learn special things. You need to know how to swim, and you have to know how to walk through the woods without making a sound.”)

The essay's conclusion adequately wraps up the writer's argument. (“I strongly believe that you should run away. You can be free; you do not have to do someone else's work; you can travel with your family; you can explore and see new things.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments in the essay. (“The second reason to escape from slavery is that you won't have to work for someone else anymore. You don't have to plant seeds in the garden, weed the garden, clean in the house, and stuff like that. When you run away, you don't have to do someone's else's work. When you find a home, you still have to work in your own garden and house, but you are not owned by anyone. You can choose what you want to do and not let your owner pick it for you.”)

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“The third reason to run away is that maybe you can travel with your family. Sometimes families don't get separated, so they can escape together. If you don't have your family, or your family gets separated, then you have to travel by yourself. You have to believe that your family still loves you in their hearts. Also you would need to learn about the trails, so you know where to go. Some families believe that if you follow the north star it will led you to freedom. A lot of slaves believe in God. Some slave families have special quilts that have special pictures on it, so they can tell other slaves that they are running away.”)

The writer’s use of language and tone is consistent throughout the essay. (“The last reason for not wanting to be a slave is that you can explore. You can discover new lands and see and discover new things that you never knew about before. If you want to come back and save some other slaves, you will know what trails to go on because you have been on it before. Also you would have to learn about the trails, so you know where to go. If you follow the north star, people say that it will lead you to freedom. To get through the woods, you have to learn special things. You need to know how to swim, and you have to know how to walk through the woods without making a sound.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

the underground railroad

I'm going to tell you the time I made a decision whether my friend should go through slavery or not. And I said he should go because he should leave slavery, get his freedom, and he should escape using the underground railroad. Now I am going to give you my reasons why he should go through the underground railroad to escape slavery or not.

The first reason I want kenye to escape slavery is so that he wont get hurt by his master, he will make it to the northern states, and so he can find his family. I don't want kenye to get hurt by his master because if you get hurt you will have bruises everywhere. I want kenye to make it to the northern states because the north is free states. I want kenye to escape so he can find his family because if you find your family you will be happy.

The last reason I want kenye to escape slavery is so that he will be in a better place. The better place I want kenye to be in is a safe house. I want kenye to live in a safe house because no whites can go in there. The second idea that I want kenye to escape slavery is so he can live in a city and so he can get an education at a brand new school.

That is why I want my freind to escape slavery. It's a good thing slavery is gone.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion /position/thesis statement on the argument of whether or not to escape slavery and flee to the North, but the essay may be unclear or underdeveloped in arguing the issue presented in the prompt task. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The essay expresses a limited opinion /position/thesis statement with some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. (“ I'm going to tell you the time I made a decision whether my friend should go through slavery or not. And I said he should go because he should leave slavery, get his freedom, and he should escape using the underground railroad. ”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer does attempt to persuade the readers, but he/she fails to address the letter to the friend who is seeking advice about the Underground Railroad. Instead the writer speaks about Kenye in the third person and simply describes his/her reasons for encouraging an escape. (“ The first reason I want kenye to escape slavery is so that he wont get hurt by his master, he will make it to the northern states, and so he can find his family… The last reason I want kenye to escape slavery is so that he will be in a better place. ”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument, but he/she does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. (“I don't want kenye to get hurt by his master because if you get hurt you will have bruises everywhere. I want kenye to make it to the northern states because the north is free states. I want kenye to escape so he can find his family because if you find your family you will be happy. ”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the advantages and disadvantages of escaping from slavery. The writer does attempt to address readers' opposing points of view or counterarguments, but he/she does not integrate counterarguments into the essay.

The essay is limited in addressing the friend’s concerns and merely implies what will happen if the friend stays in his/her current position. (“The first reason I want kenye to escape slavery is so that he wont get hurt by his master, he will make it to the northern states, and so he can find his family. I don't want kenye to get hurt by his master because if you get hurt you will have bruises everywhere.”)

The essay needs details that are clear and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few reasons to attempt escape, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce the writer’s position on the issue. (“I want kenye to make it to the northern states because the north is free states. I want kenye to escape so he can find his family because if you find your family you will be happy.”)

Although the writer includes some facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that illustrate his/her stance on the issue of escape, the essay is limited in providing effective support for the writer’s advice. (“The last reason I want kenye to escape slavery is so that he will be in a better place. The better place I want kenye to be in is a safe house. I want kenye to live in a safe house because no whites can go in there. The second idea that I want kenye to escape slavery is so he can live in a city and so he can get an education at a brand new school.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is limited at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure but with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. He/she incorporates the use of paragraphing in the essay, but it may lack effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The writer’s introduction gives some background information to help readers understand the issue. In this case, the writer offers his/her opinion that his/her friend should flee from a life of slavery. (“ I'm going to tell you the time I made a decision whether my friend should go through slavery or not. And I said he should go because he should leave slavery, get his freedom, and he should escape using the underground railroad. Now I am going to give you my reasons why he should go through the underground railroad to escape slavery or not. ”)

Transitions are included between paragraphs, but the writer needs to use them between sentences to connect ideas. B ecause of the lack of transitional devices, the readers may not be led to a logical conclusion. (“The first reason I want kenye to escape slavery is so that he wont get hurt by his master, he will make it to the northern states, and so he can find his family. I don't want kenye to get hurt by his master because if you get hurt you will have bruises everywhere. I want kenye to make it to the northern states because the north is free states. I want kenye to escape so he can find his family because if you find your family you will be happy. ”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. The conclusion restates the writer’s position in a limited way, but it does not restate arguments, leave the readers with something to think about, or tell them what to do next. (“ That is why I want my freind to escape slavery. It's a good thing slavery is gone. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. (“The last reason I want kenye to escape slavery is so that he will be in a better place. The better place I want kenye to be in is a safe house. I want kenye to live in a safe house because no whites can go in there. The second idea that I want kenye to escape slavery is so he can live in a city and so he can get an education at a brand new school. ”)

The essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/position/thesis statement. If the writer used phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” to directly address his/her friend, it would create a sense of urgency and present a more effective message. (“I'm going to tell you the time I made a decision whether my friend should go through slavery or not. And I said he should go because he should leave slavery, get his freedom, and he should escape using the underground railroad. Now I am going to give you my reasons why he should go through the underground railroad to escape slavery or not. ”)

There is a limited variety of sentences in the essay. For example, the writer relies heavily on beginning numerous sentences with the word “I.” (“I don't want kenye to get hurt by his master because if you get hurt you will have bruises everywhere. I want kenye to make it to the northern states because the north is free states. I want kenye to escape so he can find his family because if you find your family you will be happy. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and words are spelled correctly. (“ The first reason I want kenye to escape slavery is so that he wont get hurt by his master, he will make it to the northern states, and so he can find his family. I don't want kenye to get hurt by his master because if you get hurt you will have bruises everywhere. I want kenye to make it to the northern states because the north is free states. I want kenye to escape so he can find his family because if you find your family you will be happy. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

The, Underground Railroad is a lady that helps people that are slaves. they would use the underground railroad and some of them would stay and some of them would go with the lady and would get away with her. and they would get away and the saves would tell her that they don't want to go and so the others went with her in tell night they went and they take the underground railroad. and the would get a way and she came back and asked the saves now do u want to leave and they said yes, then she come on then she said were taking the underground railroad and she keeps get more and more saves and she keeps going back and forth.

and she gets all the slaves And when she gets some of them and some of them were killed and some are locked up in the jail and can't get out.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does not state a clearly defined opinion /position/thesis about the issue. (“ The, Underground Railroad is a lady that helps people that are slaves. ”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is inferred by the readers. (“ they would use the underground railroad and some of them would stay and some of them would go with the lady and would get away with her. and they would get away and the saves would tell her that they don't want to go and so the others went with her in tell night they went and they take the underground railroad. ”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended the readers. (“ and the would get a way and she came back and asked the saves now do u want to leave and they said yes, then she come on then she said were taking the underground railroad and she keeps get more and more saves and she keeps going back and forth. ”)

Content & Development

The writer develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the writer's position on escaping slavery. The writer may not consider the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the essay one-sided and minimally developed at best.

Minimal details are used to explain and illustrate the writer’s point of view on whether or not a slave should try to escape from his/her owner. (“ and she gets all the slaves And when she gets some of them and some of them were killed and some are locked up in the jail and can't get out. ”)

Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. These details can include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. Providing these details will result in an essay that integrates solid evidence into the writer’s position on the issue. Without these details, the writer tends to repeat the same theme throughout the essay. (“ they would use the underground railroad and some of them would stay and some of them would go with the lady and would get away with her. and they would get away and the saves would tell her that they don't want to go and so the others went with her in tell night they went and they take the underground railroad. ”)

Because the writer’s response to the prompt task is minimal, the essay does not contain at least three main ideas as evidence. The writer should keep in mind that each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“and the would get a way and she came back and asked the saves now do u want to leave and they said yes, then she come on then she said were taking the underground railroad and she keeps get more and more saves and she keeps going back and forth.”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. The writer provides a minimal structure that has a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“ The, Underground Railroad is a lady that helps people that are slaves. they would use the underground railroad and some of them would stay and some of them would go with the lady and would get away with her. ”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position effectively. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“ and they would get away and the saves would tell her that they don't want to go and so the others went with her in tell night they went and they take the underground railroad. and the would get a way and she came back and asked the saves now do u want to leave and they said yes, then she come on then she said were taking the underground railroad and she keeps get more and more saves and she keeps going back and forth. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay. The conclusion does not leave the readers with something to think about, nor does it tell them what to do next concerning the issue at hand. (“ and she gets all the slaves And when she gets some of them and some of them were killed and some are locked up in the jail and can't get out. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/position/thesis statement effectively. Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in MY Access! Word Bank. By incorporating more persuasive word choices into the essay, the writer would create a more effective argument. (“The, Underground Railroad is a lady that helps people that are slaves. they would use the underground railroad and some of them would stay and some of them would go with the lady and would get away with her. ”)

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer employs run-on sentences that contain repetitive ideas. (“and they would get away and the saves would tell her that they don't want to go and so the others went with her in tell night they went and they take the underground railroad. ”)

The writer does not provide a clear voice that emphasizes his/her position on whether or not it is advisable to escape by the Underground Railroad. (“and she gets all the slaves And when she gets some of them and some of them were killed and some are locked up in the jail and can't get out.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization, many words are spelled incorrectly, there are run-on sentences, and there are several errors in subject-verb agreement. (“ and the would get a way and she came back and asked the saves now do u want to leave and they said yes, then she come on then she said were taking the underground railroad and she keeps get more and more saves and she keeps going back and forth. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Harriet Tubman was a nice lady becuase she help her family escape from slavery and well. she helped others'' and on her way her mom died so I thing that her mom is proud of harriet tubman. becuase she help people escape from slavery so that's why I think that she is proud of her i am proud of her to.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“ Harriet Tubman was a nice lady becuase she help her family escape from slavery and well. ”)

The essay fails to include detailed supporting ideas to argue an asserted position effectively. The writer merely focuses on how Harriet Tubman helped slaves escape. (“ she helped others'' and on her way her mom died so I thing that her mom is proud of harriet tubman. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. (“ becuase she help people escape from slavery so that's why I think that she is proud of her i am proud of her to. ”)

Content & Development

The essay contains inadequate content and development. Little or no attempt is made to use details to support the arguments and the writer' s position on whether or not his/her friend should escape to the North using the Underground Railroad. The writer does not consider the opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the response insufficient and inadequate.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. (“Harriet Tubman was a nice lady becuase she help her family escape from slavery and well. ”)

Since the one-paragraph response is so brief, there are no main ideas presented as body paragraphs in the essay. (“Harriet Tubman was a nice lady becuase she help her family escape from slavery and well. she helped others'' and on her way her mom died so I thing that her mom is proud of harriet tubman. becuase she help people escape from slavery so that's why I think that she is proud of her i am proud of her to. ”) Additionally, at least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument.

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. The writer merely states that Tubman helped others escape, but without describing how they escaped. (“she helped others'' and on her way her mom died so I thing that her mom is proud of harriet tubman. ”)

Organization

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. As a result, the essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“ Harriet Tubman was a nice lady becuase she help her family escape from slavery and well. ”)

The writer needs to include supporting paragraphs with three or more details that support the opinion/position/thesis statement of the essay. The essay is simply too short to convey a well-rounded, convincing argument. (“ Harriet Tubman was a nice lady becuase she help her family escape from slavery and well. she helped others'' and on her way her mom died so I thing that her mom is proud of harriet tubman. becuase she help people escape from slavery so that's why I think that she is proud of her i am proud of her to. ”)

The writer does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay, leaves the readers with something to think about, or tells them what to do next. (“ becuase she help people escape from slavery so that's why I think that she is proud of her i am proud of her to. ”)

Language Use & Style

The style of the writing in the response is inadequate. Because the writer does not incorporate language that presents an argument on the issue of whether or not a friend should escape from slavery, the voice of the writer is muted, and the effectiveness of the essay is lost. (“Harriet Tubman was a nice lady becuase she help her family escape from slavery and well. ”)

The essay does not effectively exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the consequences of remaining a slave versus attempting to escape. (“she helped others'' and on her way her mom died so I thing that her mom is proud of harriet tubman. ”) Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinion, people, places, and things more effectively.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“becuase she help people escape from slavery so that's why I think that she is proud of her i am proud of her to. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. The essay contains errors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Windmills on Drear Bay

The community around Drear Bay is in disagreement over whether or not windmills should be built off the coast. Read “Letter A” and “Letter B” to find out more about the opinions of some Drear Bay community members.

After reading Letters A and B, state your position on building windmills off the coast of Drear Bay. Include facts and details from the letters to support your position.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Windmills on Drear Bay

I agree that windmills should be built on the coast of Drear Bay. There are many reasons that they should build them and here are some of them.

To begin, windmills should be built because without the windmills, they will continue using oil for their energy needs. If they built windmills they wouldn't have to hurt the environment that they live in or the environments that they are buying from that could be home to much wildlife. Using the windmills will also reduce the cost of electricity in Drear Bay. The windmills would also be able to keep history of Drear Bay alive. The windmills that were used years ago could be used once again in Drear Bay.

To continue, the windmills can help but they can also hurt. Those problems can always be fixed. The lights instead of being put on the windmill generator shaft could be put on the rotors. The lights would not only keep planes from crashing into the windmills, but also stop birds from being attracted to the lights. The spinning lights would stop birds from coming too close and would stop them from injuring themselves. The lights would also be able to be seen through fog and storms so the fishermen would not accidentally destroy the windmills while fishing for their families.

To continue further, the windmills will not make a joke out of the shore. It will make Drear bay look more modern. Some may joke but others will compliment. Windmills could lower the value of Drear Bay because of the view, but the windmills will at the same time raise the value of the shore. The electricity produced would be a good use to the residents so more will want to come. Even if the project would cost very much money, it would be worth it. The windmills would attract people to buy property for the nearly free electricity.

To conclude, I do agree that the windmills should be built for the many reasons that were listed above. The windmills will help the environment, economy, and the residents as well.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. The writer points out residents “wouldn't have to hurt the environment that they live in or the environments that they are buying from that could be home to much wildlife.” Using the windmills would “reduce the cost of electricity in Drear Bay.” The writer even suggests solutions to the objections for the use of windmills. (“The lights instead of being put on the windmill generator shaft could be put on the rotors.” “The lights would also be able to be seen through fog and storms so the fishermen would not accidentally destroy the windmills while fishing for their families.”)

The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for the purpose of convincing his/her intended audience of the stated point of view. (“If they built windmills they wouldn't have to hurt the environment….” “Using the windmills will also reduce the cost of electricity in Drear Bay.” “The windmills would attract people and buy property for the nearly free electricity.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with supporting details that directly relate to the writer’s assertion that there should be windmills built on the coast of Drear Bay. The writer first addresses the energy issues. (“To begin, windmills should be built because without the windmills, they will continue using oil for their energy needs.”) Then the writer addresses the objections to the building of the windmills because of harm that can befall birds and fishermen. (“To continue, the windmills can help but they can also hurt. Those problems can always be fixed.”) Lastly, the writer addresses the final objections to the building of the windmills—making a joke of the community and devaluing property. (“To continue further, the windmills will not make a joke out of the shore.” “The windmills would attract people and buy property for the nearly free electricity.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments u sing a wide variety of specific, appropriate, and relevant details to support his/her position on the issue of building windmills on Drear Bay. The essay aptly addresses the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments.

The writer uses details from the prompt passages (Letter A and Letter B) to support his/her position on the issue. He/she writes that because of the windmills people “ wouldn't have to hurt the environment” and that “ windmills will also reduce the cost of electricity.”

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by effectively responding to those who might disagree with his/her opinion. The writer specifically addresses the concerns in Letter B that birds and fishermen could be hurt by the windmills and that the value of shore properties will be affected. (“To continue, the windmills can help but they can also hurt. Those problems can always be fixed.”)

The writer uses a variety of facts, statistics, examples, and/or anecdotes to illustrate his/her point of view. For example, the writer proposes that a different type of light on the windmills could solve the problem of injuries to birds and fishermen. (“The spinning lights would stop birds from coming to close and would stop them from injuring themselves. The lights would also be able to be seen through fog and storms so the fishermen. . . .”)

Organization

The writer uses transitions such as “to begin” and “to continue” that help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Although these transitions are repetitive, they are very effective in progressing from paragraph to paragraph.

The writer includes transitions between paragraphs and between sentences. (“If they built windmills. . . .” “Even if the project would cost very much money, . . .”)

Reasons are presented in a logical order as they refer back to the arguments in Letters A and B. The writer begins strongly by presenting his/her support of the windmills (“wouldn't have to hurt the environment,” “reduce the cost of electricity”). The writer then proceeds to dispute the arguments in Letter B (“spinning lights would stop birds from coming to,” “windmills would attract people”).

Language Use & Style

The writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“would not only…but also” “will at the same time”)

The writer uses varied sentences in his/her essay by making or adding sentences with exclamations or questions, or by combining sentences with conjunctions and/or semicolons. (“If they built windmills they wouldn't have to hurt the environment. . . .” “Even if the project would cost very much money, it would be worth it.”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“The lights would not only keep planes from crashing into the windmills, but also stop birds from being attracted to the lights. The spinning lights would stop birds from coming too close and would stop them from injuring themselves. The lights would also be able to be seen through fog and storms so the fishermen would not accidentally destroy the windmills while fishing for their families.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“The lights instead of being put on the windmill generator shaft could be put on the rotors. The lights would not only keep planes from crashing into the windmills, but also stop birds from being attracted to the lights.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

A community is arguing if they should put windmills on the coast of Drear Bay. Lots of people think they should put windmills, but some think they shouldn't. I think they should put windmills.

Some reason they should get windmills is because they cost less than actual electricity. They are also very important, without them they wouldn't have homes. The windmills were used to grind grain so people could live and make homes were they are now. Another reason is because windmills don't use earth's resources.

Some people think there will be problems with the windmills. Some people think fishermen will bump into them when there's fog or thunder, or they think that since their so tall planes can crash into them. If they get lights birds will attract to them and get hit by the blades. There are some answers to these problems. Fishermen don't have to fish in fog or thunder. If they do they should put some lights that fishermen and planes can see, but not so bright lights so birds don't attract.

In the meeting they can tell everyone the solutions. After that I'm pretty sure a couple more people will start wanting windmills. When the meeting is done if more people will like the ideas, they will definitely get them.

If they do end up getting windmills their life will be so much better because they won’t spend so much money on electricity and use that money on other things they need. That's why I think they should place windmills on the coast of Drear Bay.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue of windmills on Drear Bay. (“A community is arguing if they should put windmills on the coast of Drear Bay. Lots of people think they should put windmills, but some think they shouldn't. I think they should put windmills. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. After reading the introductory paragraph, the readers know that there is a debate surrounding the building of windmills off the coast of Drear Bay, and that the writer believes that the windmills should be built. The writer builds the body paragraphs around the reasons for wanting windmills (“they cost less than actual electricity . . . , ” “ windmills don't use earth's resources . . .” ) and addresses the arguments against building the windmills (“ There are some answers to these problems.”).

All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“they cost less than actual

electricity . . ., ” “ windmills don't use earth's resources . . .,” “Fishermen don't have to fish in fog or thunder. If they do they should put some lights that fishermen and planes can see, but not so bright lights so birds don't attract.” )

Content & Development

The writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and/or explanations that effectively argue the stated position. (“Some reason they should get windmills is because they cost less than actual electricity. ” “ Another reason is because windmills don't use earth's resources.” )

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her own stance on the issue. The writer begins the third paragraph with, “Some people think there will be problems with the windmills.” The paragraph contains suggestions to address the objections to the windmills. (“There are some answers to these problems. Fishermen don't have to fish in fog or thunder. If they do they should put some lights that fishermen and planes can see, but not so bright lights so birds don't attract. ”)

The writer uses details that explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“Some people think fishermen will bump into them when there's fog or thunder, or they think that since their so tall planes can crash into them. If they get lights birds will attract to them and get hit by the blades. There are some answers to these problems. Fishermen don't have to fish in fog or thunder. If they do they should put some lights that fishermen and planes can see, but not so bright lights so birds don't attract. ”)

Organization

The writer clearly states the thesis at the end of the introduction. The introduction is short, but the readers have a very clear sense of the purpose of the essay. (“A community is arguing if they should put windmills on the coast of Drear Bay. Lots of people think they should put windmills, but some think they shouldn't. I think they should put windmills. ”)

The writer uses transitions to help show how his/her ideas are related or connected. (“Some reason they should get windmills. . . . ” “Another reason is because . . . .”) The writer uses a sentence mid-paragraph (“ There are some answers to these problems.”) that transitions from the arguments, to the solutions, and then back to the arguments.

Reasons are presented in a logical order. The writer begins with his/her opinion in the first paragraph (“Some reason they should get windmills is because . . . .”), follows with addressing the counterarguments (“Some people think there will be problems with the windmills.”), and then mentions details included in Letter B (“In the meeting they can tell everyone the solutions. ”).

Language Use & Style

The writer uses language to argue his/her position on the issue effectively. (“Some reason they should get windmills is because . . . , ” “ They are also very important . . . .” “There are some answers to these problems.” )

The writer combines short sentences by using conjunctions (and, or, but, for, nor, so, yet) or by adding more details. (“Some people think fishermen will bump into them when there's fog or thunder, or they think that since their so tall planes can crash into them. ” “ If they do end up getting windmills their life will be so much better because they won’t spend so much money on electricity and use that money on other things they need.” )

The language and tone are consistent with the writer’s point of view. (“Some reason they should get windmills . . . . ” “ There are some answers to these problems.” “That's why I think they should place windmills on the coast of Drear Bay.” ) Use of c oherent style and tone ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and words are spelled correctly. (“Some people think fishermen will bump into them when there's fog or thunder, or they think that since their so tall planes can crash into them. ” “ When the meeting is done if more people will like the ideas, they will definitely get them.” )

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Windmills on Drear Bay

These are reasons why I think we should put windmills on Drear Bay. They produce energy for towns' and people, wont harm birds if we work together, it will lessen the need to drill for oil.

First, I think they should put windmills on Drear Bay is that they produce energy for towns and people. If we don't put them in people will have to find another way for more energy. People who use that energy will have to beg for that energy. I think windmills are a good source of energy and they should be there.

Next, I think they should put windmills on Drear Bay because they cant harm birds. We can work together and that will stop it from hurting the birds. So that means that problem can be worked out. I bet those birds would appreciate that.

Last, I think we should build windmills on Drear Bay because it will prevent the cause of drilling for oil. Drilling can cause great harm to the environment. It would be terrible to harm the beautiful wilderness areas.

Therefore I think they should put windmills on Drear Bay because they produce energy, they don't harm birds, and they prevent the cause of drilling for oil.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes an opinion/position/thesis statement about putting windmills in Drear Bay and adequately attempts to argue the issue presented in the prompt task . Additionally, the writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience and satisfies many parts of the prompt task.

The writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. The brief introduction includes the writer’s position (approves of the windmills) and the reasons he/she approves of them. (“These are reasons why I think we should put windmills on Drear Bay. They produce energy for towns' and people, wont harm birds if we work together, it will lessen the need to drill for oil.”)

Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. The writer devotes a paragraph to each of the three reasons mentioned in the introduction. (“. . . they produce energy for towns and people.” “. . . they cant harm birds.” “. . . it will prevent the cause of drilling for oil.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples well. The writer uses the same language in the introduction as in the body paragraphs, effectively guiding the readers through the issue. (“produce energy” “harm birds” “drilling for oil”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some specific and relevant details to support the stated position. However, he/she only briefly addresses the readers’ counterarguments. Incorporating more specific, appropriate, and relevant supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate main ideas would bolster the argument in a meaningful way.

Most of the writer’s details support the argument for windmills in Drear Bay. The writer occasionally repeats details instead of supplementing details to support his/her position. (“We can work together and that will stop it from hurting the birds. So that means that problem can be worked out.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. Additional details could be provided. For example, how will the windmills “prevent the cause of drilling for oil”? (“Last, I think we should build windmills on Drear Bay because it will prevent the cause of drilling for oil. Drilling can cause great harm to the environment. It would be terrible to harm the beautiful wilderness areas.”)

The writer addresses the readers’ concerns by responding to those who might disagree with his/her position on the issue. A solid persuasive argument always addresses the counter viewpoints, and in this case, the writer could devote more content to the paragraph earmarked for the opposing viewpoints. The writer could integrate statistics, examples, or experiences to bolster this section of the essay. The writer could also describe the harm to the birds caused by the lights that are necessary on the windmills. (“Next, I think they should put windmills on Drear Bay because they cant harm birds. We can work together and that will stop it from hurting the birds. So that means that problem can be worked out. I bet those birds would appreciate that.”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction adequately grabs the readers’ attention. The three reasons for approving of the windmills give readers an idea of what to expect in the essay and leave them wondering how the harm to birds and drilling for oil can be avoided. (“They produce energy for towns' and people, wont harm birds if we work together, it will lessen the need to drill for oil.”)

The writer uses transitions (“first,” “next,” “last,” and “therefore”), which help him/her move from one reason or idea to the next. Transitions help demonstrate how the writer’s ideas are related or connected.

The writer’s conclusion adequately wraps up his/her argument. (“Therefore I think they should put windmills on Drear Bay because they produce energy, they don't harm birds, and they prevent the cause of drilling for oil.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits adequate language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals appropriate language and word choices with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. The writer uses both simple and compound sentences. (“Next, I think they should put windmills on Drear Bay because they cant harm birds. We can work together and that will stop it from hurting the birds. So that means that problem can be worked out”)

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“We can work together and that will stop it from hurting the birds.” “Last, I think we should build windmills on Drear Bay because it will prevent the cause of drilling for oil.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice in the presentation of arguments in the essay. There is both emphatic and sympathetic language. (“It would be terrible. . . .” “I think windmills are a good source of energy and they should be there.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, paragraphs are distinguished by line breaks, sentences begin with capital letters, and most word choices are spelled correctly. There are occasional punctuation errors. (“Next, I think they should put windmills on Drear Bay because they cant harm birds.” “They produce energy for towns' and people, wont harm birds if we work together, it will lessen the need to drill for oil.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

The people are angry because of the wind mills. Some people it for electricity and then some say they are dangerous for birds,sailors,veiws of homes and I am going to tell you my opinion about the wind mills.

First, I think it's a bad idea for them to put the wind mills in the sea. The people have rights if they want it or don't but I don't think it's good. The people have good reasons to say they don't like them.

Second, The wind mill is bad for birds. They say that birds are attracted and the wind mill can kill the birds with its blades. And the birds could possiblily be instinct.Thats also why they shouldn't build the wind mills in Dear bay .

Finnaly,they also say that sailors might crash and sink. And also some fisher men and its because they depend on this area to earn a living .They could also run into some fog or stormy weather .And they may never get back or wash up in a desserted in an island and there family will miss them .

Thats my opion of if they should put it or not put it .

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. The writer states an opinion /position/thesis statement on the argument of windmills on Drear Bay but may be unclear or underdeveloped in arguing the issue presented in the prompt task. Additionally, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only manages to complete some parts of the task.

The writer’s limited opinion /position/thesis statement exhibits some understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. The readers do not see the writer’s position until the second paragraph, and then the writer does not provide support or reasons for the position. (“First, I think it's a bad idea for them to put the wind mills in the sea. The people have rights if they want it or don't but I don't think it's good. The people have good reasons to say they don't like them.”)

There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. The writer touches upon a few ideas that could potentially support the argument but does not go into enough detail for the argument to stand on its own. The writer has two reasons for opposing the windmills: “bad for birds” and “sailors might crash and sink.” The support for these two reasons is minimal and, in the case of the harm to fishermen, it is not connected to the texts. (“Finnaly,they also say that sailors might crash and sink. And also some fisher men and its because they depend on this area to earn a living .They could also run into some fog or stormy weather .And they may never get back or wash up in a desserted in an island and there family will miss them .”)

The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience. The writer does attempt to address the readers and is very limited in the use of persuasive terms to convince the readers of his/her point of view. The writer uses weak persuasive language like “bad idea” and “good reasons.” (“First, I think it's a bad idea for them to put the wind mills in the sea. The people have rights if they want it or don't but I don't think it's good. The people have good reasons to say they don't like them.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support his/her position on the argument for or against windmills in Drear Bay. The writer does attempt to address readers' opposing points of view or counterarguments but does not integrate counterarguments into the essay.

The essay is limited in addressing the readers’ concerns and responding to those who might disagree with his/her stated position. The writer only briefly nods at opposing viewpoints in the introductory paragraph, and he/she does not address any of the counterarguments provided in the texts. (“Some people it for electricity. . . .”)

The writer includes a limited personal anecdote that attempts to explain or illustrate his/her stance on the issue. (“Finnaly,they also say that sailors might crash and sink. And also some fisher men and its because they depend on this area to earn a living .They could also run into some fog or stormy weather .And they may never get back or wash up in a desserted in an island and there family will miss them . ”) Although this gives the readers a limited amount of insight into the writer’s personal reasons for opposing windmills on Drear Bay, it does not provide effective support for the argument .

The essay needs details that are clear and specific. Details could include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer provides a few ideas for opposing building windmills in Drear Bay, but the supporting examples are too limited to reinforce his/her position on the issue. (“Second, The wind mill is bad for birds. They say that birds are attracted and the wind mill can kill the birds with its blades. And the birds could possiblily be instinct.Thats also why they shouldn't build the wind mills in Dear bay .”) At the very least, the writer could include details on how or why the birds are attracted to the windmills.

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is limited at best. The writer exhibits evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion and some use of paragraphing, but the essay lacks effective transitional devices that would assist in flow and consistency.

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by offering an interesting fact. In this case, the writer briefly hints at three of the reasons presented as arguments against building windmills in Drear Bay. However, there is not enough information to catch the readers’ attention. (“The people are angry because of the wind mills. Some people it for electricity and then some say they are dangerous for birds,sailors,veiws of homes and I am going to tell you my opinion about the wind mills.”)

Transitions are not included between paragraphs and between sentences. B ecause of the lack of transitional devices, the readers may not be led to a logical conclusion. The writer uses “First,” “Second,” and “Finnaly” [sic] as transitions between paragraphs. The writer uses “and” as a transition within paragraphs. (“They say that birds are attracted and the wind mill can kill the birds with its blades. And the birds could possiblily be instinct. ”) The writer should click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover more effective transitions.

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/position/thesis statement. (“I think . . . . ” “Thats my opion. . . .”) Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The writer does not demonstrate a strong voice in the essay. Many of the supporting ideas lose their focus, and the style in which ideas are presented is weak and repetitive in nature. The writer uses compound sentences and the word “and” too frequently. (“Finnaly,they also say that sailors might crash and sink. And also some fisher men and its because they depend on this area to earn a living .They could also run into some fog or stormy weather .And they may never get back or wash up in a desserted in an island and there family will miss them . ”)

There is a limited variety of sentences in the essay. For example, the writer relies heavily on beginning numerous sentences with the word “they.” (“Finnaly,they also say that sailors might crash and sink. And also some fisher men and its because they depend on this area to earn a living .They could also run into some fog or stormy weather .And they may never get back or wash up in a desserted in an island and there family will miss them . ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To write an effective essay, the writer must ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“Second, The wind mill is bad for birds. They say that birds are attracted and the wind mill can kill the birds with its blades. And the birds could possiblily be instinct.Thats also why they shouldn't build the wind mills in Dear bay .”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in the communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Unnecessary

I think it is a bad idea of getting windmills because it is Dangerous, it will destroy things, and it is to big. I think it is dangerous because if it tips over it can hit your house or your neighbors house. Also you need to get lights so airplanes doesn't hit it. Also you shouldn't get it because it harms the birds. Also you shouldn't get it because when it is winter it will freeze then you cant use it and it can fall on you because it is frozen. Also you shouldn't get it because it can destroy your property. Also it destroys your view and your neighbor's view. Also it will destroy your backyard. Also because it is so big and nobody will have space for it. Also it might not look good in your backyard. Also its to heavy to put in your backyard. And who would want to take hours and hours to put that in your backyard. And thats why I dont want that in my backyard.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does not state a clearly defined opinion /position/thesis about the issue. The first sentence acts as the introduction/thesis statement, in which the writer’s position is stated, but it is difficult to understand. (“ I think it is a bad idea of getting windmills because it is Dangerous, it will destroy things, and it is to big. ”)

The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using informal, repetitive language to address the intended the readers. The writer continuously refers to the readers as “you,” as if the readers were residents of the Drear Bay area. (“I think it is dangerous because if it tips over it can hit your house or your neighbors house. Also you need to get lights so airplanes doesn't hit it. Also you shouldn't get it because it harms the birds. Also you shouldn't get it because when it is winter it will freeze then you cant use it and it can fall on you because it is frozen.”)

The writer does not use sufficient details to support the thesis, which is minimally stated. Each sentence continues an “argument” with no supporting details or further explanation. (“Also you shouldn't get it because it harms the birds. Also you shouldn't get it because when it is winter it will freeze then you cant use it and it can fall on you because it is frozen. Also you shouldn't get it because it can destroy your property.”)

Content & Development

The writer develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support his/her position about windmills on Drear Bay. The writer may not consider the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the essay one-sided and minimally developed at best.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s opinion/position/thesis statement. Each sentence presents an idea, but the writer does not provide the details to support or explain the statement. (“ Also it will destroy your backyard. Also because it is so big and nobody will have space for it. Also it might not look good in your backyard. Also its to heavy to put in your backyard. ”)

Because the writer’s response to the prompt task is minimal, the essay does not contain at least three main ideas as evidence. The writer should keep in mind that each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. The writer does not separate thoughts or arguments into body paragraphs, making it difficult for the readers to sort out the details and ideas being presented. (“ Also you need to get lights so airplanes doesn't hit it. Also you shouldn't get it because it harms the birds. Also you shouldn't get it because when it is winter it will freeze then you cant use it and it can fall on you because it is frozen. Also you shouldn't get it because it can destroy your property. Also it destroys your view and your neighbor's view. ”)

There are minimal details that explain and illustrate the writer’s point of view on the issue of windmills on Drear Bay. (“ Also you need to get lights so airplanes doesn't hit it. ”) Letter A mentions that the windmills’ height makes it necessary to have lights for airplane safety. However, it is not the fact that there must be lights that is an issue, but the fact that birds are attracted to the lights and are hurt by the windmills’ blades. The writer does not make the connection between the lights and the danger to birds.

Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. These details can include specific examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. Providing these details will result in an essay response that integrates solid evidence into the writer’s position on the issue. Without these details, the writer tends to repeat the same theme throughout the essay response. The writer discusses windmills in the readers’ backyards, although Letter A contains an argument against the windmills because of the effect on the view from coast properties, not because of the windmills destroying the property. (“ Also it will destroy your backyard. Also because it is so big and nobody will have space for it. Also it might not look good in your backyard. Also its to heavy to put in your backyard. And who would want to take hours and hours to put that in your backyard. ”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. The introduction is essentially one sentence. (“ I think it is a bad idea of getting windmills because it is Dangerous, it will destroy things, and it is to big. ”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the writer’s stance on the position effectively. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. The entire essay is one paragraph, with no separation of ideas into body paragraphs. The word “also” is used repeatedly as a transition between sentences. (“ Also you shouldn't get it because it harms the birds. Also you shouldn't get it because when it is winter it will freeze then you cant use it and it can fall on you because it is frozen. Also you shouldn't get it because it can destroy your property. Also it destroys your view and your neighbor's view. Also it will destroy your backyard. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay; it does not leave the readers with something to think about, nor does it tell them what to do next concerning the issue at hand. The conclusion is one sentence, with no mention of the writer’s reasons for his/her position on the building of windmills on Drear Bay. (“And thats why I dont want that in my backyard.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits minimal language use, voice, and style. The essay reveals poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion/position/thesis statement effectively. (“Also it will destroy your backyard. Also because it is so big and nobody will have space for it. Also it might not look good in your backyard. ”) Phrases such as “you must,” “you should,” “you need to,” “right now,” and “don’t wait” are just some of the suggestions found in MY Access! Word Bank. By incorporating more persuasive word choices into the essay, the writer would create a more effective argument.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer employs run-on sentences that contain repetitive ideas. The writer begins most sentences with “Also you” or “Also it.” (“Also you shouldn't get it because it harms the birds. Also you shouldn't get it because when it is winter it will freeze then you cant use it and it can fall on you because it is frozen. Also you shouldn't get it because it can destroy your property. Also it destroys your view and your neighbor's view. Also it will destroy your backyard. ”)

The writer does not provide a clear voice that emphasizes his/her position on the argument of Windmills on Drear Bay. Readers are confused as to whether the writer is convincing them or himself/herself, since the concluding sentence says that the writer would not want a windmill in his/her backyard. (“Also it might not look good in your backyard. Also its to heavy to put in your backyard. And who would want to take hours and hours to put that in your backyard. And thats why I dont want that in my backyard.”)

The writer does not incorporate effective persuasive terms to convince the readers to support the writer’s point of view on the issue being debated. (“. . . you shouldn't. . . . ”) The writer can click on the MY Access! Word Bank to discover word choices that would emphasize his/her message in a more convincing way.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay does not use appropriate punctuation and capitalization, many words are spelled incorrectly, there are run-on sentences, and there are several errors in subject-verb agreement. (“ I think it is dangerous because if it tips over it can hit your house or your neighbors house. Also you need to get lights so airplanes doesn't hit it. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

whould be ugly. it whould atract birds on a foggy night and they whould fly into the sharp blades and die. it whould ruin pepoles lives by geting rid of the fish for there living/mony.

so they thould not put windmiills there for many reasons.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay reveals the writer’s stance on the issue but fails to include detailed, supporting ideas to argue the asserted position effectively. The writer merely focuses on listing what the windmills would do. (“ whould be ugly. ” “ it whould atract birds. . . .” “it whould ruin pepoles lives. . . .” )

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not use appropriate language. The writer does not state his/her position until the last sentence, and the readers are not given a complete picture of the issue. (“whould be ugly. it whould atract birds on a foggy night and they whould fly into the sharp blades and die. it whould ruin pepoles lives by geting rid of the fish for there living/mony. . . . so they thould not put windmiills there for many reasons.”)

In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“whould be ugly. it whould atract birds on a foggy night and they whould fly into the sharp blades and die. it whould ruin pepoles lives by geting rid of the fish for there living/mony.”)

Content & Development

The essay contains inadequate content and development. Little or no attempt is made to use details to support the arguments and the writer' s position on the issue of windmills on Drear Bay. The writer does not consider the readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments, leaving the response insufficient and inadequate.

The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion. (“whould be ugly. it whould atract birds on a foggy night and they whould fly into the sharp blades and die. it whould ruin pepoles lives by geting rid of the fish for there living/mony. ”)

Since this one-paragraph response is so brief, there are no main ideas presented in body paragraphs in the essay. (“whould be ugly. it whould atract birds on a foggy night and they whould fly into the sharp blades and die. it whould ruin pepoles lives by geting rid of the fish for there living/mony. ”) Additionally, at least three main ideas are not included to support the argument.

The essay does not provide facts, experiences, or specific examples to support the writer’s viewpoint. The writer merely states how the windmills are “ugly,” “attract birds,” and “would ruin peoples lives.” (“whould be ugly. it whould atract birds on a foggy night and they whould fly into the sharp blades and die. it whould ruin pepoles lives by geting rid of the fish for there living/mony. ”)

Organization

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the introduction by posing a question, an exclamation, or an interesting fact. As a result, the essay demonstrates no evidence of an effective introduction. (“whould be ugly. it whould atract birds on a foggy night and they whould fly into the sharp blades and die. it whould ruin pepoles lives by geting rid of the fish for there living/mony.”)

The essay does not create effective supporting paragraphs. (“whould be ugly. it whould atract birds on a foggy night and they whould fly into the sharp blades and die. it whould ruin pepoles lives by geting rid of the fish for there living/mony.”)

Supporting paragraphs with three or more details are needed to support the opinion/position/thesis statement of the essay. The essay response is simply too short to convey a well-rounded, convincing argument. (“whould be ugly. it whould atract birds on a foggy night and they whould fly into the sharp blades and die. it whould ruin pepoles lives by geting rid of the fish for there living/mony.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that restates the argument of the essay, leaves the readers with something to think about, or tells them what to do next. (“so they thould not put windmiills there for many reasons.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases that describe the opinion/position/thesis statement effectively. (“so they thould not put windmiills there for many reasons. ”) Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. The writer should use the MY Access! Word Bank to utilize additional adjectives, adverbs, and sensory words to describe the opinions, people, places, and things more effectively.

Sentences in the essay are not well structured. The writer uses the same structure, with errors that are distracting to the readers. (“whould be ugly. it whould atract birds on a foggy night and they whould fly into the sharp blades and die. ”)

The style of the writing in the response is inadequate. Because the writer does not incorporate language that reflects an initiative to present a balanced argument on the issue of windmills on Drear Bay, the voice of the writer is muted, and the effectiveness of the argument is lost. (“whould be ugly. it whould atract birds on a foggy night and they whould fly into the sharp blades and die. it whould ruin pepoles lives by geting rid of the fish for there living/mony. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check the spelling of chosen words. (“whould be ugly. it whould atract birds on a foggy night and they whould fly into the sharp blades and die. it whould ruin pepoles lives by geting rid of the fish for there living/mony.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Your Favorite Early American Colony

Each colony in the New World had unique characteristics. The colony’s culture and way of life were affected by such things as geography, the background of the people establishing the colony, and the climate. If you lived in 1700s America , which colony would you have chosen to live in?

In a well-developed essay, convince your family to move to one of the thirteen colonies. Include facts and examples to support your argument.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Family,

Life in England for the past eleven years has been really boring and dull. Now, you may have noticed that many people are opening to new and fresh opportunities by traveling to the Americas , and I strongly believe that we should travel there, too. I want to live in the Pennsylvania because there are many rich farmlands, busy port cities to trade with, and many religious and social events taking place. Here are my supporting reasons to prove that living in the Pennsylvania is a way better place to live than plain, old England .

First of all, in Pennsylvania there is access to many port cities, thus allowing us to trade. Philadelphia and New York City are two of the most important nearby port cities of all because they have the deepest waters and the biggest and busiest populations. Now since we have a lot of grain, wheat, and rye at home, we could trade them and receive many goods in return, such as: watches, mugs, and silver plates. Wouldn't that be grand? We can also trade and get salted and juicy meat, sturdy lumber, and warm and cozy furs for the winter. With all those wonderful tools, we would be supplied for almost the whole year, so we would have to risk poor starvation during the winter.

Secondly, unlike England , in Pennsylvania there would be many religious groups and churches. Also, there would be many social events that we could attend. In Pennsylvania they have different churches to attend to, since religious freedom is a big and major part of the colony itself. With that said, we could meet new people, exchange news, and learn about each others’ culture. Also, in the winter, we could go ice skating and sledding. Wouldn't that be just pure fun? In the spring, possibly we could watch horse racing. Finally, the biggest social event is the barn raising event. Now you may think, “What in the name of chickens, is a barn raising event?!” A barn raising event is when people come together to raise a new frame for the farm. Later, everyone will enjoy a big, enormous feast! Doesn't that just sound just wonderful and charming?

Lastly, in Pennsylvania there is a lot of rich and fertile soil. There is also a great climate perfect for all the crops. We can grow many crops such as, corn, wheat, rye, grain, potatoes, and much more ravishing food. Plus, there are many abundant resources such as wood from trees and many fruit trees in the forest. How does that sound? Can you imagine a nice green meadow swaying against the wind and it is all peaceful, except the chirping of the birds and the sound of all the barn animals? I could just die just to be there. But wait, there is more! Best of all, with the purchase of land, the real-state agent will include dairy cows, berries, acorns, and hogs, and I know how you like free things, father. And later with all the crops and livestock, we would take many trips to the market or port cities, and earn many gold and silver coins. We will soon be very rich and wealthy, and you could buy those fancy silk lacy dresses you have been dreading to have, mother—well if we move to Pennsylvania , that is.

So thank you for taking time to read this letter. I really appreciate it, I really do. And I promise, if we do move to Pennsylvania , you guys won't regret it. Remember, moving to the Pennsylvania will mean more fertile soil which will be easier to feed the animals and raise lots of crops. There will be more fun, religious, and social events to attend to, and port cities to trade crops, goods, and livestock in. Again, thank you dearly. Thank you!

Your loving daughter,

Nicole

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits very effective focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful position, stated to effectively persuade readers. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, and the writer completes all parts of the task. Specifically, the writer’s thesis effectively states what he/she believes about the issue. (“Now, you may have noticed that many people are opening to new and fresh opportunities by traveling to the Americas , and I strongly believe that we should travel there, too. I want to live in the Pennsylvania because there are many rich farmlands, busy port cities to trade with, and many religious and social events taking place.”) All of the details used in the essay effectively relate to the writer’s opinion. (“Lastly, in Pennsylvania there is a lot of rich and fertile soil. There is also a great climate perfect for all the crops. We can grow many crops such as, corn, wheat, rye, grain, potatoes, and much more ravishing food. Plus, there are many abundant resources such as wood from trees and many fruit trees in the forest.”) The writer effectively uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; there is little use of slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“Also, there would be many social events that we could attend. In Pennsylvania they have different churches to attend to, since religious freedom is a big and major part of the colony itself.”)

Content & Development

This essay exhibits very effective content and development. The writer effectively develops arguments, using a wide variety of specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position. Furthermore, the writer convincingly addresses readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. In particular, the writer effectively includes facts, statistics, examples, and explanations that illustrate his/her opinion. (“ Philadelphia and New York City are two of the most important nearby port cities of all because they have the deepest waters and the biggest and busiest populations. Now since we have a lot of grain, wheat, and rye at home, we could trade them and receive many goods in return, such as: watches, mugs, and silver plates.”) The writer’s details are convincing. (“We can grow many crops such as, corn, wheat, rye, grain, potatoes, and much more ravishing food. Plus, there are many abundant resources such as wood from trees and many fruit trees in the forest. How does that sound?”) Details in the paragraphs make the essay more persuasive by including its readers. (“Finally, the biggest social event is the barn raising event. Now you may think, ‘What in the name of chickens, is a barn raising event?!’ A barn raising event is when people come together to raise a new frame for the farm.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates very effective organization. The essay exhibits a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion; also, effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices is seen throughout. In particular, the writer’s introduction is creative and grabs readers’ attention. (“Life in England for the past eleven years has been really boring and dull. Now, you may have noticed that many people are opening to new and fresh opportunities by traveling to the Americas , and I strongly believe that we should travel there, too.”) The writer includes transitions between paragraphs and between sentences. (“First of all, in Pennsylvania there is access to many port cities. . . Secondly, unlike England , in Pennsylvania there would be many religious groups and churches.”) The writer’s conclusion effectively wraps up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about or something to do. (“So thank you for taking time to read this letter. I really appreciate it, I really do. And I promise, if we do move to Pennsylvania , you guys won't regret it. Remember, moving to the Pennsylvania will mean more fertile soil which will be easier to feed the animals and raise lots of crops. There will be more fun, religious, and social events to attend to, and port cities to trade crops, goods, and livestock in.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay exhibits very effective language use and style. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience; in addition, he/she uses well-structured and varied sentences throughout. T he writer effectively uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“But wait, there is more! Best of all, with the purchase of land, the real-state agent will include dairy cows, berries, acorns, and hogs, and I know how you like free things, father.”) The writer uses varied sentences. (“Now since we have a lot of grain, wheat, and rye at home, we could trade them and receive many goods in return, such as: watches, mugs, and silver plates. Wouldn't that be grand? We can also trade and get salted and juicy meat, sturdy lumber, and warm and cozy furs for the winter.”) The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout. (“In Pennsylvania they have different churches to attend to, since religious freedom is a big and major part of the colony itself. With that said, we could meet new people, exchange news, and learn about each others’ culture. Also, in the winter, we could go ice skating and sledding. Wouldn't that be just pure fun?”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates very effective control of conventions and mechanics. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ First of all, in Pennsylvania there is access to many port cities, thus allowing us to trade. Philadelphia and New York City are two of the most important nearby port cities of all because they have the deepest waters and the biggest and busiest populations. Now since we have a lot of grain, wheat, and rye at home, we could trade them and receive many goods in return, such as: watches, mugs, and silver plates. Wouldn't that be grand?”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I think that New Jersey is the greatest colony to live in. There is great farmland, it's by the coast, and has really smooth land. I love animals and I'm sure that you'll like it here. We could have a brand new life and a new experience. We'll have an amazing time in New Jersey . I promise that we'll have a blast together. We could have a nice little cabin, but of course there are still the countries that own the land. New England has property over us. I am sure that we could still have a tone of fun together.

The first reason is that there is plenty of farmland. Together our family can grow corn, maize, and other fruits and vegetables. We could have great dinners and lunches if we grow this kind of food. In addition, we could raise all kinds of animals like cow, sheep, and other animals. We can really use this opportunity to learn and be responsible by raising animals. Think of it this way, we won't run out of food unless it is winter and all of it is taken. We could all survive in New Jersey .

Another reason is that New Jersey is by the coast. Our family can have a lot of advantages living next to the ocean. We could swim often when it's hot and dry outside. We could also get fresh water whenever we need it by going to the Atlantic Ocean . That way we never run out of water for when we get thirsty. The water can also help us if we want to boil water. If we make the proper tools for fishing we could always go to the coast. We could have good dinners and lunches every day. That is why we should go to New Jersey because of the coast.

The last reason is that there is a lot of smooth land. There are a lot of good examples that has to do with the smooth land. Smooth land is so much easier to stand on than to stand on bumpy, rocky land. If you have bumpy, rocky land than you could fall or trip when you might have something important or special in your hand. When you have smooth land it helps when you have plenty of farmland so that it is easier to raise animals, and for when you want to grow crops in the fields. Usually when you have smooth land you can have more fun running on hills and on curvy turns. I know that we'll have a ton of fun with smooth land around our house, cabin, or any other parts of shelter. Smooth land is another terrific reason why we should move to New Jersey .

We should move to New Jersey because it has great farmland, it's by the coast, and it has smooth land. New Jersey can really help our family by changing all of our lives. Our family would have so many more advantages moving to a better place that can help us with work. I really think that we should move to New Jersey . I really wish you could accept my reasons and move.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits very good focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains a clear opinion to persuade readers. The essay also demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience, and the writer completes most parts of the task. In particular, the writer’s thesis states what he/she believes about the issue. (“I think that New Jersey is the greatest colony to live in. There is great farmland, it's by the coast, and has really smooth land.”) The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“Another reason is that New Jersey is by the coast. Our family can have a lot of advantages living next to the ocean. We could swim often when it's hot and dry outside.”) All of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“When you have smooth land it helps when you have plenty of farmland so that it is easier to raise animals, and for when you want to grow crops in the fields. Usually when you have smooth land you can have more fun running on hills and on curvy turns. I know that we'll have a ton of fun with smooth land around our house, cabin, or any other parts of shelter.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates good content and development. The writer develops arguments using specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position. Specifically, the writer includes facts, statistics, examples, short stories, and explanations that illustrate his/her opinion. (“Smooth land is so much easier to stand on than to stand on bumpy, rocky land. If you have bumpy, rocky land than you could fall or trip when you might have something important or special in your hand. When you have smooth land it helps when you have plenty of farmland so that it is easier to raise animals, and for when you want to grow crops in the fields.”) The writer’s details are convincing. (“The first reason is that there is plenty of farmland. Together our family can grow corn, maize, and other fruits and vegetables. We could have great dinners and lunches if we grow this kind of food.”) Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“Another reason is that New Jersey is by the coast. Our family can have a lot of advantages living next to the ocean. We could swim often when it's hot and dry outside. We could also get fresh water whenever we need it by going to the Atlantic Ocean .”)

Organization

This essay exhibits good organization. The essay demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. There is also consistent use of paragraphing devices throughout. Initially, the writer’s introduction is creative and grabs readers’ attention. (“I think that New Jersey is the greatest colony to live in. There is great farmland, it's by the coast, and has really smooth land. I love animals and I'm sure that you'll like it here. We could have a brand new life and a new experience. We'll have an amazing time in New Jersey . I promise that we'll have a blast together.”) Details in each paragraph relate to the paragraph’s topic sentence. (“Another reason is that New Jersey is by the coast. Our family can have a lot of advantages living next to the ocean. We could swim often when it's hot and dry outside.”) The writer’s conclusion wraps up his/her argument and leaves readers with something to think about or something to do. (“We should move to New Jersey because it has great farmland, it's by the coast, and it has smooth land. New Jersey can really help our family by changing all of our lives. Our family would have so many more advantages moving to a better place that can help us with work. I really think that we should move to New Jersey . I really wish you could accept my reasons and move.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates good language use and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; additionally, well-structured sentences with some variety are present. Specifically, the writer uses language to make his/her writing more persuasive. (“ We can really use this opportunity to learn and be responsible by raising animals. Think of it this way, we won't run out of food unless it is winter and all of it is taken. We could all survive in New Jersey .”) The language and tone are consistent throughout. (“ We could have a brand new life and a new experience. We'll have an amazing time in New Jersey . I promise that we'll have a blast together. We could have a nice little cabin, but of course there are still the countries that own the land. ”) Compound and complex sentences are used well. (“We should move to New Jersey because it has great farmland, it's by the coast, and it has smooth land.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay exhibits good control of conventions and mechanics. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the writer’s message. For example, sentences contain a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with a punctuation mark, sentences begin with a capital letter, and paragraphs are distinguished by a line break. (“ We should move to New Jersey because it has great farmland, it's by the coast, and it has smooth land. New Jersey can really help our family by changing all of our lives. Our family would have so many more advantages moving to a better place that can help us with work. I really think that we should move to New Jersey . I really wish you could accept my reasons and move.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Rhode Island : every time I hear that name, it fills my heart with joy. Rhode Island was founded so that people could practice different religions freely. A man named Roger Williams fought against the government of Massachusetts . He believed that people who were not rich should not be treated badly. Eventually, he was forced to leave. Later on he moved to Rhode Island . Also in Rhode Island the jobs are good. Their is a good goverment. And all people can vote. I believe our family should move to Rhode Island .

The climate in Rhode Island is ok. There are lots of rivers nearby that provide fish, transportation, and trade. Many animals were trapped for their fur. The forests provide timber. The soil is good for farming. Some winters are harsh, but many are not. Summer rains are good enough to grow healthy crops.

Some colonists in Rhode Island are either farmers or traders. Colonists grow corn, tobacco, and beans on small farms. Some ships from Rhode Island carry rum, sugar, wool, and beef to buyers in New England and the West Indies . Some colonists became rich by trading in African slaves, even though some of them were slaves themselves.

Rhode Island is one of the most democratic colonies. Everyone can vote. And people who own property can vote. These are the reasons why I think Rhode Island is good place to move to.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes a thesis statement and adequately attempts to persuade readers; furthermore, the writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience and completes many parts of the task. Specifically, the writer’s thesis adequately states what he/she believes about the issue. (“I believe our family should move to Rhode Island .”) Most of the details used in the essay relate to the writer’s opinion. (“The climate in Rhode Island is ok. There are lots of rivers nearby that provide fish, transportation, and trade.”) The writer mostly uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience. (“ Rhode Island is one of the most democratic colonies. Everyone can vote. And people who own property can vote. These are the reasons why I think Rhode Island is good place to move to.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates adequate content and development. The writer develops arguments using some specific, accurate, and relevant details to support his/her position. Specifically, the writer includes some facts that explain or illustrate his/her opinion. (“The forests provide timber. The soil is good for farming. Some winters are harsh, but many are not. Summer rains are good enough to grow healthy crops.”) Most of the writer’s details are convincing. (“ Rhode Island is one of the most democratic colonies. Everyone can vote. And people who own property can vote. These are the reasons why I think Rhode Island is good place to move to.”) Most details are clear, correct, and specific. (“A man named Roger Williams fought against the government of Massachusetts . He believed that people who were not rich should not be treated badly. Eventually, he was forced to leave. Later on he moved to Rhode Island .”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates adequate organization. The essay exhibits a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion; also, there is evidence of transitional and paragraphing devices.

In particular, the writer’s introduction grabs readers’ attention. (“ Rhode Island : every time I hear that name, it fills my heart with joy. Rhode Island was founded so that people could practice different religions freely. A man named Roger Williams fought against the government of Massachusetts .”) The writer states his/her thesis at the end of the introduction. (“I believe our family should move to Rhode Island .”) The writer’s conclusion adequately wraps up the argument. (“ Rhode Island is one of the most democratic colonies. Everyone can vote. And people who own property can vote. These are the reasons why I think Rhode Island is good place to move to.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay exhibits adequate language use and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice; in addition, the writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“The soil is good for farming. Some winters are harsh, but many are not. Summer rains are good enough to grow healthy crops.”) Word choices and sentence structure, however, are sometimes poor. (“Later on he moved to Rhode Island . Also in Rhode Island the jobs are good. Their is a good goverment. And all people can vote.”) The language and tone are mostly consistent throughout the essay. (“Some ships from Rhode Island carry rum, sugar, wool, and beef to buyers in New England and the West Indies . Some colonists became rich by trading in African slaves, even though some of them were slaves themselves.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates adequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), many sentences end with a punctuation mark, many paragraphs are distinguished by a line break, and many sentences begin with a capital letter. (“Some colonists in Rhode Island are either farmers or traders. Colonists grow corn, tobacco, and beans on small farms. Some ships from Rhode Island carry rum, sugar, wool, and beef to buyers in New England and the West Indies . Some colonists became rich by trading in African slaves, even though some of them were slaves themselves.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

My favorite colony is Georgia because it was founded to help poor people out of debtors prison and give them a home. The wealthy people would also give the poor people money to pay there bills.

They had swampland for grewing crops like rice, indigo plants, tobacco, and cotton. They had forests so they could cut down trees and make lumber for houses. The winters were mild and it was hot in the summer wich was good for farming.

There were alot of jobs like farming, traders, black smiths, and crafts men wich incuded shoe makers, potters, and brick layers.

Georgia also had an assembly for the goverment and there laws one of there good laws was that they did not like slavery. They wanted to give poor people jobs and houses and they could also be safe in Georgia . And that is why Georgia is my favorite colony.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates limited focus and meaning. The writer states an opinion, but it is unclear and underdeveloped. Furthermore, the writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose and audience and only completes some parts of the task. The essay expresses a limited opinion statement with some understanding of purpose and audience. (“ My favorite colony is Georgia because it was founded to help poor people out of debtors prison and give them a home. The wealthy people would also give the poor people money to pay there bills. ”) There is a limited amount of detail used to relate the writer’s opinion. (“They had swampland for grewing crops like rice, indigo plants, tobacco, and cotton. They had forests so they could cut down trees and make lumber for houses .”) The essay demonstrates a limited understanding of audience by using some informal language to address intended readers. (“ There were alot of jobs like farming, traders, black smiths, and crafts men wich incuded shoe makers, potters, and brick layers .”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates limited content and development. The writer develops arguments briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support the writer’s position. In particular, the writer includes some facts and explanations that illustrate his/her opinion. (“They had swampland for grewing crops like rice, indigo plants, tobacco, and cotton. They had forests so they could cut down trees and make lumber for houses. ”) However, the explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“The winters were mild and it was hot in the summer wich was good for farming .”) The essay needs details that are clear and specific. (“ Georgia also had an assembly for the goverment and there laws one of there good laws was that they did not like slavery. They wanted to give poor people jobs and houses and they could also be safe in Georgia . ”)

Organization

This essay exhibits limited organization. The writing demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion; the essay also lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices. Specifically, the essay demonstrates limited evidence of an effective introduction. (“ My favorite colony is Georgia because it was founded to help poor people out of debtors prison and give them a home. The wealthy people would also give the poor people money to pay there bills .”) The limited use of transitional devices may not lead readers to a logical conclusion. (“There were alot of jobs like farming, traders, black smiths, and crafts men wich incuded shoe makers, potters, and brick layers. ”) The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ They wanted to give poor people jobs and houses and they could also be safe in Georgia . And that is why Georgia is my favorite colony. ”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates limited language use and style. The essay exhibits simple language and word choice with some awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice. In particular, the essay exhibits limited descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“My favorite colony is Georgia because it was founded to help poor people out of debtors prison and give them a home. The wealthy people would also give the poor people money to pay there bills.”) Sentences in the essay lack well-developed structure. (“ Georgia also had an assembly for the goverment and there laws one of there good laws was that they did not like slavery. They wanted to give poor people jobs and houses and they could also be safe in Georgia .”) There is a limited variety of sentences in the essay. (“They had swampland for grewing crops like rice, indigo plants, tobacco, and cotton. They had forests so they could cut down trees and make lumber for houses. The winters were mild and it was hot in the summer wich was good for farming.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates a limited control of conventions and mechanics. It contains several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. (“ Georgia also had an assembly for the goverment and there laws one of there good laws was that they did not like slavery. They wanted to give poor people jobs and houses and they could also be safe in Georgia . And that is why Georgia is my favorite colony .”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

My favorite colony is the New York colony. It was fur trading posts they have great harbor,hot summers but bad cold winters. The most popular jobs from New York are farming, mining, lumbering, sailing, trapping, trading and craft.

Only a powerful governor appointed by british royalty who chose other officials and enforced laws. Do you like the british because this colony is controled by them. Thes colony is a joy to live in. Please come to live in this colony. if you like hot summers and cold winters you will love this colony! holland originaly controled it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits minimal focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates little attempt at stating an opinion and demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience. The writer completes few parts of the task. The essay does not state a clearly defined opinion about the issue. (“My favorite colony is the New York colony. It was fur trading posts they have great harbor,hot summers but bad cold winters.”) The essay demonstrates a minimal understanding of audience by using inappropriate or informal language to address intended readers. (“Thes colony is a joy to live in. Please come to live in this colony. if you like hot summers and cold winters you will love this colony!”) In the introduction, the purpose of the essay and its intended audience are not clearly identified. (“My favorite colony is the New York colony. It was fur trading posts they have great harbor,hot summers but bad cold winters. The most popular jobs from New York are farming, mining, lumbering, sailing, trapping, trading and craft.”)

Content & Development

The essay demonstrates minimal content and development. The writer develops arguments incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support his/her position. The writer should consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. Specifically, there is minimal evidence that explains or supports the opinion statement. (“Only a powerful governor appointed by british royalty who chose other officials and enforced laws. Do you like the british because this colony is controled by them. Thes colony is a joy to live in.”) Details are minimal to explain and illustrate the evidence that is provided. (“Please come to live in this colony. if you like hot summers and cold winters you will love this colony! holland originaly controled it.”) Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“The most popular jobs from New York are farming, mining, lumbering, sailing, trapping, trading and craft.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates minimal organization. The essay exhibits little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion; moreover, there is little evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices. Specifically, the essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“ My favorite colony is the New York colony. It was fur trading posts they have great harbor,hot summers but bad cold winters. ”) The essay does not contain effective supporting paragraphs. (“ Only a powerful governor appointed by british royalty who chose other officials and enforced laws. Do you like the british because this colony is controled by them. ”) The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ Please come to live in this colony. if you like hot summers and cold winters you will love this colony! holland originaly controled it .”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates minimal language use and style. The writer uses poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience. In addition, the writer makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. Specifically, the essay exhibits minimal descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. (“My favorite colony is the New York colony. It was fur trading posts they have great harbor,hot summers but bad cold winters. The most popular jobs from New York are farming, mining, lumbering, sailing, trapping, trading and craft.”) Sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“Only a powerful governor appointed by british royalty who chose other officials and enforced laws. Do you like the british because this colony is controled by them. Thes colony is a joy to live in.”) The variety of sentences in this essay is minimal. (“Please come to live in this colony. if you like hot summers and cold winters you will love this colony! holland originaly controled it.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is minimal control of conventions and mechanics in this essay. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. The writer does not consistently compose sentences with a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, or follow capitalization conventions. (“Only a powerful governor appointed by british royalty who chose other officials and enforced laws. Do you like the british because this colony is controled by them. Thes colony is a joy to live in. Please come to live in this colony. if you like hot summers and cold winters you will love this colony! holland originaly controled it.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I think Pennsylvania is the best colony because they have lot's of jobs like minning,farming,craftsman and other jobs. in Pennsylvainia we have alot of timber so you can build you own house and make a fire so you can cook your food. and you can buy more timber with a cupon that says buy four peases of timber free.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates almost no effort at stating a position and little effort is made to persuade readers. The writer completes few or no parts of the task. Specifically, the essay does not state a clearly defined position about the issue, and the essay lacks awareness of audience by including slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“I think Pennsylvania is the best colony because they have lot's of jobs like minning,farming,craftsman and other jobs. in Pennsylvainia we have alot of timber so you can build you own house and make a fire so you can cook your food. and you can buy more timber with a cupon that says buy four peases of timber free.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates inadequate content and development. The writer makes little or no attempt to use details to support his/her position. Furthermore, the writer does not consider readers’ opposing points of view or counterarguments. The essay does not include details to support the stated opinion, there are no main ideas in the body paragraphs, and at least three main ideas are not included as support for the argument. (“I think Pennsylvania is the best colony because they have lot's of jobs like minning,farming,craftsman and other jobs. in Pennsylvainia we have alot of timber so you can build you own house and make a fire so you can cook your food. and you can buy more timber with a cupon that says buy four peases of timber free.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates inadequate organization. The essay contains no evidence of structure because there is no introduction or conclusion. Also, there is no evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices within the essay. Specifically, the essay does not contain an effective introduction, effective supporting paragraphs, or a strong conclusion. (“I think Pennsylvania is the best colony because they have lot's of jobs like minning,farming,craftsman and other jobs. in Pennsylvainia we have alot of timber so you can build you own house and make a fire so you can cook your food. and you can buy more timber with a cupon that says buy four peases of timber free.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay exhibits inadequate language use and style. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice with no awareness of audience. The essay also contains major errors in sentence structure and usage. The essay does not exhibit descriptive and persuasive words and phrases to describe the opinion statement effectively. Descriptive and persuasive word choices are needed to answer questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how within the essay. Also, sentences in the essay are not well structured. (“I think Pennsylvania is the best colony because they have lot's of jobs like minning,farming,craftsman and other jobs. in Pennsylvainia we have alot of timber so you can build you own house and make a fire so you can cook your food. and you can buy more timber with a cupon that says buy four peases of timber free.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates inadequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are errors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. In particular, the writer needs to make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, and follow capitalization conventions. (“I think Pennsylvania is the best colony because they have lot's of jobs like minning,farming,craftsman and other jobs. in Pennsylvainia we have alot of timber so you can build you own house and make a fire so you can cook your food. and you can buy more timber with a cupon that says buy four peases of timber free.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Page tree

Elementary_Persuasive_Models_February_2019 revised.doc

Elementary Persuasive/Argument Prompts