You and a group of students from school are on a school bus. Your teacher tells you that you can take the bus and the students anywhere you want to go. Where would you choose to go? Write a story for your teacher about where you go and the journey that you take. Describe what you see, where you stop, and what part of the trip the students enjoy the most.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

We decided to go to Zion 's National Park, because it is a very beautiful place . As we were driving, we stopped in Nephi, for lunch. We were all chatting when Mrs. Smith told us we had to get on the bus. So we grabbed our food and hopped back on.

We were all enjoying the scenery, even if it was from a school bus on the freeway. At first we were seeing lots of trees, grass, bushes and billboards. As we drove more, we started to see all of the beautiful red rocks and the formations that wind and water had made. A lot of this stretch we spent in silence, just admiring the redness of the rock that came so close to the freeway. We were so lucky to see how beautiful this state was.

We had just passed Kanab, when we thought we should go see if there was a pile of petrified wood that Mrs. Smith had told us about. So we back tracked for a couple of minutes, then got out and started walking. We soon got tired and decided to head back to the bus, and save our energy for the Zion hikes.

We got to Zion at about 4:00 and decided we had time to do one-short hike. We decided on the Emerald Pools hike and finished at 6:00, just in time for dinner. Kelsey and I went to the Visitor's Center, to ask where we should eat. They recommended the lodge's cafe, or that we drive into St. George and find something else. Kelsey and I went back to the lodge and told Brandey and Arty what the lodge told us. We all decided we did not want to be seen driving around St. George in a bus, so we head for the lodge.

After a long day of riding in a bus and hiking we decided to go upstairs to our hotel rooms, and clean up, before we went to dinner. We all met in the lobby and went in to the cafe together. There were a lot of choices on the menu, but we were each able to get what we wanted. Because it had been a long day, Brandey and I went upstairs to the room we were sharing, and discussed our favorite things of that day while we were getting ready for bed.

I decided that my favorite part was all of the tadpoles at the second pool on our hike. Brandey said her favorite part was trying to find the stack of petrified wood Mrs. Smith had told us about. We stayed up and talked for a few minutes, before Arty and Chelmsy came in. I asked Arty what her favorite part of the day was, and she said that it was being with all of her friends, even if they had to ride on the bus for five hours. Chelmsy told us that the best thing for her was the hike, because she had never hiked before.

In the morning we hiked up Angel's Landing, and it was very hard, but it was worth it. The view was terrific, but frightening at the same time. It was a 1300 foot drop, and everyone got a little paranoid. When we started to descend and everyone started to feel better.

After our hike, we had to get on the bus and start driving home. We did so, but we wished that we did not have to go, because we had really enjoyed ourselves. But maybe we will get lucky and get to come again.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this particular essay, the author establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea (“ We decided to go to Zion 's National Park, because it is a very beautiful place ”) that remains the center of the author’s focus. The narrative the author has written responds well to the purpose and audience of the prompt and completes all parts of the assigned task.

Content & Development

In this story, the author provides a plot that is filled with details to help the reader appreciate the students’ bus trip. The author handily sets up an opportunity for the characters to discuss their day (“ Because it had been a long day, Brandey and I went upstairs to the room we were sharing, and discussed our favorite things of that day while we were getting ready for bed ”) and describes some of the events vividly (“ The view was terrific, but frightening at the same time. It was a 1300 foot drop, and everyone got a little paranoid. When we started to descend and everyone started to feel better”).

Organization

In the opening paragraph, the author quickly c aptures the reader’s attention through a clever opening to the story (“ We were all chatting when Mrs. Smith told us we had to get on the bus. So we grabbed our food and hopped back on ”). Throughout, the story flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development. At the end, a conclusion aptly pulls the entire story together (“ After our hike, we had to get on the bus and start driving home. We did so, but we wished that we did not have to go, because we had really enjoyed ourselves ”).

Language Use & Style

The author’s ability with language is appropriate for this task. The author’s word use is precise and descriptive and the sentences show some complexity (“ As we drove more, we started to see all of the beautiful red rocks and the formations that wind and water had made. A lot of this stretch we spent in silence, just admiring the redness of the rock that came so close to the freeway ”). The author’s voice is defined and addresses the audience appropriately.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author’s control of the conventions and mechanics is very good. Few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling are allowed to interfere with the author’s narrative.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

On the bus, it happened. We were riding along when our bus driver told us that we could go anywhere. There was a flood of responses. "Hold it! Hold it! Why don't we do this in a sophisticated way and vote on where we should go," someone shouted.

We stopped the bus and got a list of places to go to. Then we voted. It came out that most of the kids wanted to go to Bryce Canyon . So, we started off.

It took us about three hours to get to Bryce Canyon , but when we got there, everyone started gasping. Bryce Canyon is one of the most beautiful places in Utah , and now we were seeing it! I don't know how we did it, but our bus just kept driving on through the canyon.

We all started picking out different shapes in the rock. We found a lot of figures that looked like people. When we were driving through, we even saw a rabbit. It was really cool.

We were so engulfed in the trip that when someone finally looked at their watch, it was three o'clock. "What are we going to do about lunch?!?!"

"Oh, I've got that all planned out," the bus driver said. The bus driver told us to get out a big cooler with our lunches in it. Then we all had a great lunch. After lunch, we continued our drive.

After a while, the bus driver announced that we all had to go home now. So, we headed home (of course after we had all our complaining and booing). No one told their parents about any of this. This was our secret, and also our ride on the bus.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author e stablishes and maintains a clear controlling idea throughout this narrative (“ It took us about three hours to get to Bryce Canyon , but when we got there, everyone started gasping. Bryce Canyon is one of the most beautiful places in Utah , and now we were seeing it ”). Addressing the intended audience, the author demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose of this task and completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

In this story, the author provides a well-developed plot and setting and shares vivid details to illustrate the beautiful natural scenery the students encounter (“ We all started picking out different shapes in the rock. We found a lot of figures that looked like people. When we were driving through, we even saw a rabbit. It was really cool ”). Dialogue is also used effectively – and correctly – to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Organization

This essay exhibits g ood organization. The opening of the story sets the stage for the rest of the narrative (“ On the bus, it happened. We were riding along when our bus driver told us that we could go anywhere. There was a flood of responses. ‘Hold it! Hold it! Why don't we do this in a sophisticated way and vote on where we should go,’ someone shouted ”). The story flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions, and the conclusion leaves the reader feeling as if s/he was lucky to hear about the students’ special bus trip (“ After a while, the bus driver announced that we all had to go home now. So, we headed home (of course after we had all our complaining and booing). No one told their parents about any of this. This was our secret, and also our ride on the bus ”) .

Language Use & Style

The author demonstrates appropriate word choice and sentence structure in this narrative (“We were so engulfed in the trip that when someone finally looked at their watch, it was three o'clock. ‘What are we going to do about lunch?!?!’”). This language style makes reading the essay more enjoyable for the audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author maintains good control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling are committed in the course of the story.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

If I could go anywhere with my friends from school, I would take us all to Lagoon. When we get there, we would split up into groups, and then, we would go on various rides. My group would go ride on a roller coaster first, and then ride on other rides like the Rocket.

We would be the only people in the park, so it wouldn't be crowded, and there would be no lines to wait in. And after we went on the Rocket, we would just go on other rides like the Spider, and the Samurai. We would then all meet for lunch, and everyone would get to eat whatever they wanted.

After lunch, we would go on rides for several more hours, and we would continuously ride the Rocket, because that would be everyone's favorite ride. We would also go to swimming in Lagoona Beach . And after Lagoon closes for the day, we all go see Pirates of the Carribean, while eating all the popcorn and candy that we want.

After the movie, it would be time go, and we would all get back on the bus, go home, and fall asleep after a terrific day.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author adequately communicates a meaningful narrative to the intended audience. Establishing a controlling idea (“ If I could go anywhere with my friends from school, I would take us all to Lagoon ”), the writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience of the writing prompt, and adequately completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

In this story, the author provides a reasonably developed plot and setting, although it notably lacks detail. The author could certainly describe a day at an amusement park more thoroughly, for example, by describing what the rides are like or how the kids horsed around (“ After lunch, we would go on rides for several more hours, and we would continuously ride the Rocket, because that would be everyone's favorite ride. We would also go to swimming in Lagoona Beach ”).

Organization

The story is a dequately organized. The introduction and conclusion adequately focus the reader on the central theme of the story (“ After the movie, it would be time go, and we would all get back on the bus, go home, and fall asleep after a terrific day ”). In between, the story generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transition to support sequential development.

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is generally appropriate for this writing task, yet it strikes the reader as simple and sometimes repetitious (“ we went on the Rocket, we would just go on other rides like the Spider, and the Samurai. We would then all meet for lunch ”). The words and sentences used in the story are mostly correct and show some variety, and they appropriately address the intended audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

Despite the simplicity of this story, the author retains good control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling find their way into this story.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

If I had a change to take the bus with the class to go anywhere I would go under the sea. I would like to go there because is so beautiful. I would get to see the fish and the dolphin. They would like to go there to because it will be cool. After that I would like to see the fish. The class was big there were like 30 people. They were a lot of people. To me there were a lot.

Then after that I would take them to eat some where. They will like to eat there because they get to choose here they want to go. Then after that they could tell me were they want to go. I will go there so they could have fun. They could have fun there. Until they are tired and when they want to go home.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author of this story introduces what could be a fascinating controlling idea (“ If I had a change to take the bus with the class to go anywhere I would go under the sea ”), but is unable to develop its potential. The author addresses the intended audience and shows some appreciation for the purpose of this writing task, which is partially completed by this essay.

Content & Development

The author provides a partially developed plot in this essay, but lacks sufficient detail to make this more than a summary of what happens in the story (“ I would like to go there because is so beautiful. I would get to see the fish and the dolphin. They would like to go there to because it will be cool. After that I would like to see the fish ”). No dialogue or other information has been used to help the reader understand the students or how they felt about this special bus trip.

Organization

This essay demonstrates limited organization. The opening and closing sentiments in this essay are brief and weak (“ If I had a change to take the bus with the class to go anywhere I would go under the sea … Until they are tired and when they want to go home ”). The first paragraph flows sequentia l ly, but the second paragraph is out of place and adds little to the overall presentation of the story.

Language Use & Style

The author’s ability to use the English language to communicate effectively is limited. The author frequently commits basic errors in word choice and sentence structure (“ The class was big there were like 30 people. They were a lot of people. To me there were a lot ”), and occasionally comes close to the level of incoherence (“ Then after that they could tell me were they want to go. I will go there so they could have fun. They could have fun there ”).

Mechanics & Conventions

The author’s control of the conventions and mechanics of writing is limited. Several noticeable errors in grammar (“ I would like to go there because is so beautiful ”), mechanics, punctuation, and spelling interfere with the communication of the author’s message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

If I could go anywere on a bus I would go to Six Flags with my friend Cortney. Obiencly, I would go to Six Flags because it is one of the best theme parks in the world. I would go to so I could go on Giliath. One of the scarias ride in Six Flags Then I would go back on the bus and party. I would go eat at a restraunt called Tocobell to eat . Therefore that is were I would go on a bus trip

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay is only minimally focused. The author suggests a controlling idea (“ If I could go anywere on a bus I would go to Six Flags with my friend Cortney ”) but demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose – a class bus trip – and audience. In the end, the author has not produced an essay that completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

In this story, the author provides a minimally developed plot and setting – few details are supplied to help the reader understand what the kids did on their special bus trip (“ Obiencly, I would go to Six Flags because it is one of the best theme parks in the world. I would go to so I could go on Giliath. One of the scarias ride in Six Flags ”). The characters are insufficiently developed and don’t share their thoughts or feelings with the audience through dialogue.

Organization

The author fails to organize this essay in a unified and logical manner. In the few sentences that have been provided, the author fails to excite the reader by presenting an interesting opening or profound closing (“ Therefore that is were I would go on a bus trip ”). In the body of the essay, too little has been written to allow the story to f low smoothly from one event to another.

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is poor. Numerous basic errors in word choice and sentence structure detract from the author’s ability to communicate with the intended audience (“ Therefore that is were I would go on a bus trip ” and “ I would go eat at a restraunt called Tocobell to eat”). The author also shows little sensitivity to the audience of this prompt (“Then I would go back on the bus and party”).

Mechanics & Conventions

The author’s control of the conventions and mechanics of writing can best be described as minimal. Patterns of errors in grammar (“ One of the scarias ride in Six Flags Then I would go back on the bus and party ”), mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

i lick sckoolbusesgo fast and go places like to muzemms and to the parck too I go to bak on this feld trip withe my frends iget mony from the bank and spend it on we whant. we would see a lot of people at the bank when we go to the banck we would go to the bnk anbd see a gard at door and he has a gun and he protectsafter the banck we go to eat to eat sum lunchand thense go to banck and there is a gard thear and he protects and shoots at peoplebut not at me i get burgers and that is a fun field trip cuz i lick to eat al lot with my frends

most of the kids like lunch best part of all to becuz we all lick to eat together. I beer get feld trip pass signed up.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Content & Development

This response demonstrates virtually no content or development. The plot is inadequate and unidentifiable. (“ I go to bak on this feld trip withe my frends iget mony from the bank and spend it on we whant. we would see a lot of people at the bank when we go to the banck we would go to the bnk anbd see a gard at door and he has a gun and he protectsafter the banck we go to eat to eat sum lunchand thense go to banck and there is a gard thear and he protects and shoots at peoplebut not at me”)

Organization

This response is too short to demonstrate any evidence of an organizational structure. This essay shows no evidence of a structure, lacks an introduction and conclusion, and contains no effective transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

Using unclear or incoherent language, the author demonstrates no awareness of the audience. The entire essay consists of two run-on sentences, which contain severe errors in structure, word choice, and usage.

Mechanics & Conventions

This writer demonstrates inadequate control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation (“ sckoolbusesgo”) , and spelling (“ muzemms“, “banck”, and “cuz i lick to eat al lot”) significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

A Day at the Zoo

The local zoo has asked you to take care of George, a young monkey. Write a story about the day you spent taking care of George. Before you begin to write, think about all the things you did with George. Now tell the story about the day you spent taking care of George.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The morning I woke up, I realized it was the day to take care of George the monkey at our local zoo. I got up and rode my bike to the zoo. I found George jumping and hopping around in his cage. It was going to be a busy day.

When I got the key from the zoo manager he told me, "Make sure you keep a good eye on George. Once he spots things that he has never seen before, he will go after them and will try to figure out what they do. It will cause alot of trouble." "Ok," I said.

So I got out George and I put him on the handle bars of my bike. We rode off down the rocky street heading toward the sandy beach. I was riding full speed on my bike with George and then he saw something that made him leap. But I caught him by the tail. "That was close!" I said. When we arrived at the beach, George clung to my back, horrified of the crashing waves in the ocean. "It is alright, the waves will not hurt you," I said. But still he clung to my back, even stronger than before. It is going to take a while for him not to be frightened.

I sat down on the sand and started digging. With curiosity, he started to dig too. He was as fast as a tornado, and he dug as deep as the deepest parts of the ocean. Soon the hole we dug began to fill up with water, dunking me and the monkey completely under water! The monkey screamed with loud shrieking noises that I have never heard before.

I grabbed the monkey right before he started to sink to the bottom. The monkey was grasping for air, but after a few minutes he was fine.

It was already noon so we got on my bike and rode to Nick's Sandwich store. But, when we got there the sign said "No animals of any kind!". In disappointment we left. We got on my bike and looked for somewhere to eat that allowed monkeys. I looked across the street and saw a produce stand on the side of the street. We parked my bike against a tree and walked up to the stand. I picked up a bundle of bananas and put it in a bag. "Now what am I going to eat?" I said. Looking around, I found an apple and some strawberries.

I had just enough money to buy them. The lady at the register said my little monkey was cute. With a smile I said, "he is more than cute, he is a handful." She smiled back. George and I got on the bike again and started riding down the rocky street.

We stopped at Dixie 's Park to eat our fruit. George chowed down loudly on his bananas, while I bit into my apple and plopped the strawberries into my mouth. When we were done we went on the monkey bars ( which George loved) and swung on them for a little while. Then, we went down the slide which George do not really like.

I looked at my watch and it was already three o'clock." We have been here awhile. " I think we should go somewhere else," I said to George.

We rode down the rocky road and came back up to the zoo. " How about we go and look at the different kinds of animals that live around you?" I said. So, we parked the bike and walked up to the entrance. George went wild! He didn't want to go back to his cage in the zoo. "We're just going to take a look at all the different animals," I said.

First we looked at the giraffes. They where fascinating. Then we looked at the Elephants. I think they were George's favorite animal at the zoo. Then we looked at the gorillas, and last but not least, the lions! George made faces at them and then they roared at him. But George didn't care. It was time to put George back in his cage . He clung to my back and he clung hard! "I promise I will come back and see you here at the zoo," I said as I hugged George goodbye and put him in his cage. It was sad to see him go, but I had to put him back in his cage. Both of us will never forget what happened today. I had so much fun with George.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the writer communicates with a very effective, engaging, and consistent focus. This written work clearly demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose of the essay and properly addresses the audience and task. (“First, I got up at 6:15 a.m. to get ready to go to the zoo. When I got to the zoo I got my instructions from Bill, the monkey trainer. He told me to; feed him, groom him, play with him, and most of all, do not let him get bored. I took note of all these things and went right to work, by grooming him. It took a few hours, till about eight o'clock , because he kept on squirming and I had to catch him!”) All descriptions and details are effective and relevant to the writer’s account of the events of the day.

Content & Development

The content and overall development of this essay can best be described as creative, descriptive, and very effective. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed narrative about his/her day with George and uses specific and artful descriptions. (“I had just enough money to buy them. The lady at the register said my little monkey was cute. With a smile I said, "he is more than cute, he is a handful." She smiled back. George and I got on the bike again and started riding down the rocky street.”) The essay contains complex characters that effectively establish the writer’s argument. This piece contains an in-depth analysis that engages the reader.

Organization

The author's organization of this essay is effective. The written work engages the reader with a clever opening, and the piece remains entertaining in the supporting and closing paragraphs. (“It was time to put George back in his cage . He clung to my back and he clung hard! "I promise I will come back and see you here at the zoo," I said as I hugged George goodbye and put him in his cage. It was sad to see him go, but I had to put him back in his cage. Both of us will never forget what happened today. I had so much fun with George.”) This essay flows very smoothly due to the use of excellent transitions that support its sequential development.

Language Use & Style

Due to the author's use of creative language and precise word choice, this essay demonstrates a very effective use of language and style. The author cleverly describes his/her day at the zoo with George. Throughout the essay, the writer establishes a defined v oice, a strong sense of audience, and an engaging mix of varied sentences. (“ It was already noon so we got on my bike and rode to Nick's Sandwich store. But, when we got there the sign said "No animals of any kind!". In disappointment we left. We got on my bike and looked for somewhere to eat that allowed monkeys. I looked across the street and saw a produce stand on the side of the street. We parked my bike against a tree and walked up to the stand. I picked up a bundle of bananas and put it in a bag. "Now what am I going to eat?" I said. Looking around, I found an apple and some strawberries.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

In this essay, the writer demonstrates a very effective control over conventions and mechanics. The written work contains very f ew er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. (“I sat down on the sand and started digging. With curiosity, he started to dig too. He was as fast as a tornado, and he dug as deep as the deepest parts of the ocean. Soon the hole we dug began to fill up with water, dunking me and the monkey completely under water!”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

It was an interesting day. I watched George, a young monkey. This is how the day went.

First, I got up at 6:15 a.m. to get ready to go to the zoo. When I got to the zoo I got my instructions from Bill, the monkey trainer. He told me to; feed him, groom him, play with him, and most of all, do not let him get bored. I took note of all these things and went right to work, by grooming him. It took a few hours, till about eight o'clock, because he kept on squirming and I had to catch him! We finally finished.

That's when things took a surprising turn.

I took him to the animal cafeteria. He seemed to know the way, so I let him go. Big mistake! He took off at speed that looked impossible, straight toward an ice cream stand that was being set up. With a screech he jumped onto it, and started pounding the metal above where the ice cream was. He seemed to know where it was. I tried to grab him but he just jumped away and started running again, right toward the exit of the zoo! This scared me, I knew that right out of the entrance there was a very busy road, so busy that seemingly there was always at least 20 cars roaring down it at top speed. Because of this, I knew I had to run after George in the hope that I could catch him before he got there so that's what I did. I ran as fast as my athletic body would let me. I didn't get him. Luckily, a staff member saw what was happening and closed all the gates to the zoo. Still, George led me and about a half dozen others in a merry chase around the zoo, almost killing himself on the way. He went past the lions, bears, and tigers, and out of surprise they all tried to get him! We finally got him, but it was 12:30 when we did.

I brought him to the animal cafeteria, this time keeping a firm hold on him the entire time. Then he started screeching like a mad man! I didn't know what to do, so I started wrestling him. Now, we just got into the cafeteria, and once the other monkeys saw this, (for there were quite a few) they started wrestling each other, pigs, humans, almost any living thing they saw! As you could imagine, this created chaos, something you always try to avoid, and probably most in a zoo! Again, everyone else and I there got it under control, but not until the animals broke about 500 dollars worth in items. By now it was 4:00 p.m. Slowly, I brought George, who had seemed to have a lovely time, back to his cage, and kept him there till 7:00 p.m., the time for the zoo to close. I cleaned everything up, and prepared myself to see Bill again, who wanted a report on what happened today. I told him everything, apologized, and left with a heavy heart. I did not do things well.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the author writes with a very clear focus and meaning that remains consistent and clear. This writer demonstrates a fairly good understanding of the purpose of the essay and properly addresses the audience and task. All of the author’s descriptions and details are relevant to the event of taking care of George for the day. (“I took him to the animal cafeteria. He seemed to know the way, so I let him go. Big mistake! He took off at speed that looked impossible, straight toward an ice cream stand that was being set up. With a screech he jumped onto it, and started pounding the metal above where the ice cream was.”)

Content & Development

This essay contains creative content, and this content is developed descriptively. The writer provides the reader with a well- developed narrative on a day at the zoo, and he/she uses specific details to enhance communication on how to care for George. (“First, I got up at 6:15 a.m. to get ready to go to the zoo. When I got to the zoo I got my instructions from Bill, the monkey trainer. He told me to; feed him, groom him, play with him, and most of all, do not let him get bored. I took note of all these things and went right to work, by grooming him. It took a few hours, till about eight o'clock , because he kept on squirming and I had to catch him!”) The characters are believable and aid the writer’s argument. This essay engages the reader.

Organization

In this essay, the writer clearly defines the progression of events concerning George’s day at the zoo. The writer establishes a cohesive, effective opening paragraph, and he/she follows it with effective supporting and closing paragraphs. (“By now it was 4:00 p.m. Slowly, I brought George, who had seemed to have a lovely time, back to his cage, and kept him there till 7:00 p.m. , the time for the zoo to close. I cleaned everything up, and prepared myself to see Bill again, who wanted a report on what happened today. I told him everything, apologized, and left with a heavy heart. I did not do things well.”) The passages of the essay flow smoothly due to good transitions that support the sequential development of the essay.

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language remains creative, artful, and appropriate. The writer establishes some evidence of v oice and a clear sense of audience. This essay showcases the use of well-structured, varied sentences. (“ Now, we just got into the cafeteria, and once the other monkeys saw this, [for there were quite a few] they started wrestling each other, pigs, humans, almost any living thing they saw! As you could imagine, this created chaos, something you always try to avoid, and probably most in a zoo! Again, everyone else and I there got it under control, but not until the animals broke about 500 dollars worth in items.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

About seven fifteen, I awoke to the sound of my phone ringing. When I answered it, the zookeeper was there. He wanted me to take care of one of their monkeys named George! I said, "I will be there at nine." That gave me plenty of time to get ready.

When I got to the zoo, I had two Gameboys (I couldn't find any Gamemonkeys), a mop, a T.V., and a rock identifier. The first thing I did was check in. Then a zoo person showed me to George's cage and went about his business. After that I asked George, "Do you want me to teach you how to watch T.V.?" I figured George would like that, so I set up my T.V. and took George to the furniture store to look for a couch.

In the furniture store we saw so many couches that it took us forty-five minutes to pick. We finally decided on a couch with footballs on it.

When we got back to the zoo it was nearly lunch, so we got some lunch. While we were eating, I flipped the T.V. to football and relaxed some. At two, I decided to get out the Gameboys. George had just gotten bored with the television. After a while George figured out how to make the monkey move. (I had given him a Curious George game). At five we got hungry, so, I took George to Pizza Hut.

There George ordered banana pizza, and I ordered pepperoni pizza with olives. After dinner I got George a bouncy ball.

When we got back we cleaned up George's cage. At seven I had to leave. I let George keep a Gameboy and I told him I would visit him in the zoo, then I left.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning developed throughout this essay can best be described as adequate. (“About seven fifteen , I awoke to the sound of my phone ringing. When I answered it, the zookeeper was there. He wanted me to take care of one of their monkeys named George! I said, "I will be there at nine." That gave me plenty of time to get ready.”) The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task of the essay. The author uses relevant descriptions and details, but the essay could benefit from more specific, sensory details.

Content & Development

The content of this essay is fairly descriptive and clear. (“The first thing I did was check in. Then a zoo person showed me to George's cage and went about his business. After that I asked George, "Do you want me to teach you how to watch T.V.?" I figured George would like that, so I set up my T.V. and took George to the furniture store to look for a couch.”) The writer provides a basic narrative concerning George and their day at the zoo. The characters are believable and generally establish the writer’s argument. The essay manages to engage the reader and uses an internal dialogue to reveal the author’s thoughts.

Organization

This essay exhibits fairly clear opening, supporting, and closing paragraphs. The events in this author’s narrative generally flow due to somewhat consistent transitions that support the essay’s overall development. (“When we got back to the zoo it was nearly lunch, so we got some lunch. While we were eating, I flipped the T.V. to football and relaxed some. At two, I decided to get out the Gameboys. George had just gotten bored with the television. After a while George figured out how to make the monkey move.”)

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language remains adequate and appropriate. The author does demonstrate some awareness of v oice and creates a functional narrative essay. This author uses correct, somewhat varied sentences and chooses words that generally hold the reader’s interest. (“At five we got hungry, so, I took George to Pizza Hut. There George ordered banana pizza, and I ordered pepperoni pizza with olives. After dinner I got George a bouncy ball.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This author has an adequate control over conventions and mechanics. (When we got back we cleaned up George's cage. At seven I had to leave. I let George keep a Gameboy and I told him I would visit him in the zoo, then I left.”) Errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I went to the zoo. I looked at the monkeys. I was being very nice to them and all of a suden a zookeeper came up to me and said, "Would you like to take care of a monkey?" I said, "Yes" He took me to a monkey cage. He said, "This is George. The zookeeper said to me take good care of him.

I took him on a train. He saw a tiger and he screamed loudly. He went on the floor and hugged my leg. So tite. I patted his back and showed him a bird. The zookeeper saw me but I didn't know but he told me. George pointed at it and jumped up and down.

The train came to a stop and we got off. The zookeeper came to me and said that I was really responsible. He asked me if I wanted a job there taking care of George. I said yes!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits a limited focus and meaning. The writer provides a somewhat vague argument in the essay’s opening, supporting, and closing paragraphs. The author also has a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task of the essay. Descriptions and details are relevant to the author’s narrative, but the narrative is too brief and does not focus exclusively on the author's experience with George.. (“I was being very nice to them and all of a suden a zookeeper came up to me and said, "Would you like to take care of a monkey?" I said, "Yes" He took me to a monkey cage.”)

Content & Development

This essay contains a limited amount of content related to the author spending the day with George. The writer does an adequate job of developing the plot, setting, and chosen characters; however, this essay lacks sufficient support and detail. (“ I took him on a train. He saw a tiger and he screamed loudly. He went on the floor and hugged my leg. So tite. I patted his back and showed him a bird.”) This author does not use dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts or to further the narrative.

Organization

The organization of this essay is limited. The writer provides adequate opening, supporting, and closing paragraphs; however, the flow of the essay contains elements of inconsistency and choppiness. The writer’s use of transitional devices is often weak, and he/she struggles to connect with the overall task at hand. (“George pointed at it and jumped up and down. The train came to a stop and we got off. The zookeeper came to me and said that I was really responsible.”)

Language Use & Style

This writer uses simplistic language. Throughout the essay, the writer demonstrates a limited awareness of v oice and a poor sense of audience. This author uses basic, unvaried sentences and insufficient word choice to narrate. (“The zookeeper came to me and said that I was really responsible. He asked me if I wanted a job there taking care of George. I said yes!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Throughout this essay, the writer demonstrates a limited control over mechanics and conventions. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. (“I took him on a train. He saw a tiger and he screamed loudly. He went on the floor and hugged my leg. So tite.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

One day we went to the zoo and I adopted a monkey I named him George because he was strong, smart, cool, nice and funny. I like how he swings from to tree to tree and how he shouts and sometimes when he eats and he throws his food. In the evening we saw more monkeys and at 5:30pm we saw an ant eater.

We went to get a souvenir at the souvenir shop. At 7pm the zoo fed them dinner and George throws some more food. At 8pm we went home because they were closing. Then at 8:30pm the zoo keepers come out.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of this essay demonstrates the author’s minimal understanding of the given task. The writer struggles to express his/her ideas of how to take care of George and has diff i culty understanding the overall purpose and audience of the task. (“I like how he swings from to tree to tree and how he shouts and sometimes when he eats and he throws his food.”)

Content & Development

The writer establishes a vague plot and setting. The events of the day are not fully developed, and the essay lacks a sufficient amount of support and detail. This essay does not contain dialogue, which could have been used to reveal characters’ thoughts. (“I like how he swings from to tree to tree and how he shouts and sometimes when he eats and he throws his food. In the evening we saw more monkeys and at 5:30pm we saw an ant eater.”)

Organization

In this essay, any specific information regarding the author’s day with George is limited. Overall, this essay shows little evidence of an organized structure; the essay lacks consistent opening, supporting, and closing paragraphs. The essay may be difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. (“ In the evening we saw more monkeys and at 5:30pm we saw an ant eater. We went to get a souvenir at the souvenir shop. At 7pm the zoo fed them dinner and George throws some more food.”) This author’s use of transitions is inconsistent, and his/her arguments remain brief, uncertain, and conflicting

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language remains simple and limited. The author analyzes his/her chosen events using generic, non-descriptive words. (“At 7pm the zoo fed them dinner and George throws some more food. At 8pm we went home because they were closing. Then at 8:30pm the zoo keepers come out.”) The writer also makes basic errors in grammar and sentence structure. However, this author demonstrates some awareness of an audience, and his/her voice is occasionally apparent.

Mechanics & Conventions

This author demonstrates a minimal control over conventions and mechanics. The essay contains patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. (“One day we went to the zoo and I adopted a monkey I named him George because he was strong, smart, cool, nice and funny. I like how he swings from to tree to tree and how he shouts and sometimes when he eats and he throws his food.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I would feed him . And I would play with him.And I took him for a walk and I would give him blankets so he can go to bed in them.And when he gets up I feed him breakfast In then we would go out side and play.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in this essay are inadequate. The author maintains a confused and incomplete focus while writing, and he/she makes a poor attempt to discuss a day at the zoo with George. (“I would feed him . And I would play with him.And I took him for a walk”) The author also demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose and audience of the task.

Content & Development

The content of this essay is insufficient. The author’s descriptions contain no detail and do not fully address the prompt. The author introduces ideas briefly and does not develop them . The writer also establishes no structured argument. (“ And when he gets up I feed him breakfast In then we would go out side and play.”)

Organization

In this essay, the author includes little information regarding how he/she would spend a day with George. The writer's descriptions are brief, lack detail, and are incomplete (“I would give him blankets so he can go to bed in them.And when he gets up I feed him breakfast”). Transitions between ideas and paragraphs are few in number, and they do not support the writer’s argument.

Language Use & Style

In this piece, the author showcases a poor use of language and overall style. The author makes an attempt to describe how he/she spent the day with George but is unsuccessful. The writer also displays little awareness of audience and voice, and he/she commits basic errors in sentence structure, word choice , and usage (“ And I took him for a walk and I would give him blankets so he can go to bed in them.And when he gets up I feed him breakfast”).

Mechanics & Conventions

Throughout this essay, the author demonstrates an inadequate control over conventions and mechanics. (“In then we would go out side and play.”) The writer commits severe errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

A Day with Columbus, Pilgrims, or Native Americans

When we learn about life long ago, it seems very different, but some things were just the same. Just like us today, people had to live somewhere, find food, work, and play. Pretend you are sailing with Christopher Columbus, living with the Pilgrims, or living in an indigenous village. Write a short story about a day in your life. Be sure to talk about the work, clothes, games, and festivals in your life.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

I woke up to the sound of stew cooking in other log cabins. Then I remembered it was Thanksgiving. I groaned and dragged myself out of bed. I needed to help my mother cook the big feast for the village. There was lots of work to do. I pulled on my work clothes and my shoes. This festival is hard work. It was also fun even though we didn't have time to rest. I heard my sister scream my name. I quickly ran out of the cabin. This day was not starting out well. I suspected that later on, I would have to do chores that I didn't even know excited.

I dragged myself out of the cabin and followed my sister to my mom. She was churning butter. I ran up to her, and asked her what I had to do. "You are late," she said. "Sorry mother. I think I over slept last night. I was so sleepy. Although I think it is good to sleep more, because I can get a better rest for a day like today." "Go on and help your father cut the wood." I sighed and went to go help him. “Rose, mom said you need to go get the roses for the decorations, and after that, go help father get the turkey." This was very tiresome. "Rose," What now I thought. "Here, it's a To Do list." I carefully studied the list. It said help father get turkey. Then go to the stream, and fetch some water. Next, pick roses for decorations. When you are done, go help father cut wood. At the end of the day, all these chores better be worth it.

After I was done, I went into the cabin, and changed into my best dress. It was black that went perfectly with a nice white vest. It had a small little black bow, which was recently put onto the dress. I got out my shoes with the golden buckles and squeezed my feet inside them. Next, I put my cotton bonnet on and tied the 2 ends of the lace. I was about to walk out the door, when I felt sweat at my feet. Then I remembered I had forgotten to put on socks on. I went to my drawer and got out my white knee high socks and my white ribbons. I carefully put on my socks and made a bow with the ribbons to keep my socks in place. Mother would be wearing a beautiful black gown with a graceful bow to keep her hair out of her eyes. Father would have his best breeches and vest, which matched his hat. My sister would be wearing a dress similar to mine. The only difference was the vest, because hers was a different design. I hope I wouldn't get dirt on my vest or my socks.

I headed out of the cabin and into the kitchen. It was full of women from the village. This festival was very hard work, but I had to help. If I didn't, who knew what might happen. I asked mother what I had to do. She told me to help make the bread. After I was done smoothing out the dough, I went with my little brother Charlie. He was playing with some rocks, dirt, and twigs. I noticed a smudged on his vest I took him inside and changed him. For this holiday, we had to be as clean and fancy as possible. Everyone in our village knew that we had to be dressed in nice clothes and procure getting dirty. We also had to get the food ready for everyone. While the adults talked all the children would play games, or do a quiet activity. I liked making slingshots with Charlie.

This festival was very hard work. Even though it was very hard to get ready, we all had a great time. Next year when we do it, I won't be so grumpy. I really wasn't too angry; it's just that I was kind of lazy. This was very fun. If I had slept, I would have missed out on all the fun. This was a great day that I will always remember for as long as I live.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This story conveys very effective focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task, while providing description and details that are all relevant to the story.

The story states the main event very effectively. (“I woke up to the sound of stew cooking in other log cabins. Then I remembered it was Thanksgiving. I groaned and dragged myself out of bed. I needed to help my mother cook the big feast for the village.”)

All of the details in the story focus on the main event. (“ I dragged myself out of the cabin and followed my sister to my mom. She was churning butter. I ran up to her, and asked her what I had to do. ‘You are late,’ she said. ‘Sorry mother. I think I over slept last night. I was so sleepy. Although I think it is good to sleep more, because I can get a better rest for a day like today.’ ‘Go on and help your father cut the wood.’ I sighed and went to go help him. ‘Rose, mom said you need to go get the roses for the decorations, and after that, go help father get the turkey.’ This was very tiresome. ‘Rose,’ What now I thought. ‘Here, it's a To Do list.’ I carefully studied the list. It said help father get turkey. Then go to the stream, and fetch some water. Next, pick roses for decorations. When you are done, go help father cut wood. At the end of the day, all these chores better be worth it.”)

In the beginning, what happened before the main event is demonstrated very effectively. (“ I woke up to the sound of stew cooking in other log cabins. Then I remembered it was Thanksgiving. I groaned and dragged myself out of bed. I needed to help my mother cook the big feast for the village. There was lots of work to do. I pulled on my work clothes and my shoes. This festival is hard work. It was also fun even though we didn't have time to rest. I heard my sister scream my name. I quickly ran out of the cabin. This day was not starting out well. I suspected that later on, I would have to do chores that I didn't even know excited.”)

The details of the story support the topic and purpose very effectively. (“ I headed out of the cabin and into the kitchen. It was full of women from the village. This festival was very hard work, but I had to help. If I didn't, who knew what might happen. I asked mother what I had to do. She told me to help make the bread. After I was done smoothing out the dough, I went with my little brother Charlie. He was playing with some rocks, dirt, and twigs. I noticed a smudged on his vest I took him inside and changed him. For this holiday, we had to be as clean and fancy as possible. Everyone in our village knew that we had to be dressed in nice clothes and procure getting dirty. We also had to get the food ready for everyone. While the adults talked all the children would play games, or do a quiet activity. I liked making slingshots with Charlie.”)

Content & Development

Content and development are very effective in the narrative. The story provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting along with the creation of complex characters. Tension, conflict, or a problem is clearly established that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue is used very effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

There is very effective sensory detail about the setting (how it looks, smells, feels, etc.). (“I woke up to the sound of stew cooking in other log cabins. Then I remembered it was Thanksgiving.”)

Dialogue is used very effectively to illustrate the problem or conflict. (“I dragged myself out of the cabin and followed my sister to my mom. She was churning butter. I ran up to her, and asked her what I had to do. ‘You are late,’ she said. ‘Sorry mother. I think I over slept last night. I was so sleepy. Although I think it is good to sleep more, because I can get a better rest for a day like today.’ ‘Go on and help your father cut the wood.’ I sighed and went to go help him. ‘Rose, mom said you need to go get the roses for the decorations, and after that, go help father get the turkey.’ This was very tiresome. ‘Rose,’ What now I thought. ‘Here, it's a To Do list.’ I carefully studied the list. It said help father get turkey. Then go to the stream, and fetch some water. Next, pick roses for decorations. When you are done, go help father cut wood. At the end of the day, all these chores better be worth it.”)

The plot is very effectively developed. (“I headed out of the cabin and into the kitchen. It was full of women from the village. This festival was very hard work, but I had to help. If I didn't, who knew what might happen. I asked mother what I had to do. She told me to help make the bread. After I was done smoothing out the dough, I went with my little brother Charlie. He was playing with some rocks, dirt, and twigs. I noticed a smudged on his vest I took him inside and changed him. For this holiday, we had to be as clean and fancy as possible. Everyone in our village knew that we had to be dressed in nice clothes and procure getting dirty. We also had to get the food ready for everyone. While the adults talked all the children would play games, or do a quiet activity. I liked making slingshots with Charlie.”)

Organization

Very effective organization is shown throughout the story. It captures the readers’ attention with a clever opening. The narrative flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development and an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The story very effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“I woke up to the sound of stew cooking in other log cabins. Then I remembered it was Thanksgiving. I groaned and dragged myself out of bed. I needed to help my mother cook the big feast for the village. There was lots of work to do. I pulled on my work clothes and my shoes. This festival is hard work. It was also fun even though we didn't have time to rest. I heard my sister scream my name. I quickly ran out of the cabin. This day was not starting out well. I suspected that later on, I would have to do chores that I didn't even know excited.”)

The mood in the beginning is set very effectively with sensory words (feels, smells, looks, sounds, etc.). (“I woke up to the sound of stew cooking in other log cabins. Then I remembered it was Thanksgiving. I groaned and dragged myself out of bed. I needed to help my mother cook the big feast for the village. There was lots of work to do. I pulled on my work clothes and my shoes. This festival is hard work. It was also fun even though we didn't have time to rest. I heard my sister scream my name. I quickly ran out of the cabin. This day was not starting out well. I suspected that later on, I would have to do chores that I didn't even know excited.”)

Transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“After I was done, I went into the cabin, and changed into my best dress. …Next, I put my cotton bonnet on and tied the 2 ends of the lace. I was about to walk out the door, when I felt sweat at my feet. Then I remembered I had forgotten to put on socks on.”)

The ending very effectively includes details about the resolution and main character’s feelings. (“This festival was very hard work. Even though it was very hard to get ready, we all had a great time. Next year when we do it, I won't be so grumpy. I really wasn't too angry; it's just that I was kind of lazy. This was very fun. If I had slept, I would have missed out on all the fun. This was a great day that I will always remember for as long as I live.”)

Language Use & Style

The story demonstrates very effective use of language and style. Language and word choice are precise. T he writing conveys a defined v oice and a clear sense of audience. Sentences are well structured and varied.

The introductory paragraph is aligned well with the first body paragraph through descriptive language with sensory details relating to how the character feels. (“ I woke up to the sound of stew cooking in other log cabins. Then I remembered it was Thanksgiving. I groaned and dragged myself out of bed. I needed to help my mother cook the big feast for the village. There was lots of work to do. I pulled on my work clothes and my shoes. This festival is hard work. It was also fun even though we didn't have time to rest. I heard my sister scream my name. I quickly ran out of the cabin. This day was not starting out well. I suspected that later on, I would have to do chores that I didn't even know excited. …I dragged myself out of the cabin and followed my sister to my mom. She was churning butter. I ran up to her, and asked her what I had to do. ‘You are late,’ she said. ‘Sorry mother. I think I over slept last night. I was so sleepy. Although I think it is good to sleep more, because I can get a better rest for a day like today.’ ‘Go on and help your father cut the wood.’ I sighed and went to go help him. ‘Rose, mom said you need to go get the roses for the decorations, and after that, go help father get the turkey.’ This was very tiresome. ‘Rose,’ What now I thought. ‘Here, it's a To Do list.’ I carefully studied the list. It said help father get turkey. Then go to the stream, and fetch some water. Next, pick roses for decorations. When you are done, go help father cut wood. At the end of the day, all these chores better be worth it.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the first and second body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“ I dragged myself out of the cabin and followed my sister to my mom. She was churning butter. I ran up to her, and asked her what I had to do. ‘You are late,’ she said. ‘Sorry mother. I think I over slept last night. I was so sleepy. Although I think it is good to sleep more, because I can get a better rest for a day like today.’ ‘Go on and help your father cut the wood.’ I sighed and went to go help him. ‘Rose, mom said you need to go get the roses for the decorations, and after that, go help father get the turkey.’ This was very tiresome. ‘Rose,’ What now I thought. ‘Here, it's a To Do list.’ I carefully studied the list. It said help father get turkey. Then go to the stream, and fetch some water. Next, pick roses for decorations. When you are done, go help father cut wood. At the end of the day, all these chores better be worth it. …After I was done, I went into the cabin, and changed into my best dress. It was black that went perfectly with a nice white vest. It had a small little black bow, which was recently put onto the dress. I got out my shoes with the golden buckles and squeezed my feet inside them. Next, I put my cotton bonnet on and tied the 2 ends of the lace. I was about to walk out the door, when I felt sweat at my feet. Then I remembered I had forgotten to put on socks on. I went to my drawer and got out my white knee high socks and my white ribbons. I carefully put on my socks and made a bow with the ribbons to keep my socks in place. Mother would be wearing a beautiful black gown with a graceful bow to keep her hair out of her eyes. Father would have his best breeches and vest, which matched his hat. My sister would be wearing a dress similar to mine. The only difference was the vest, because hers was a different design. I hope I wouldn't get dirt on my vest or my socks.”)

The following compound sentence is used effectively: “ This festival was very hard work, but I had to help.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates very effective control over the use of mechanics and conventions in formal writing. Few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling exist. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ I dragged myself out of the cabin and followed my sister to my mom. She was churning butter. I ran up to her, and asked her what I had to do.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

We lived in a small area and it was my turn to wash the clothes. It's was early and everyone was awake watering their crops. Everyone always came to me for help. We were running out of food and finally Indians came and helped us. It wasn't far because they got the food, but we had to cook it. It was very hard living in the winter. Many little people survive the cold winters. Most of the time the village was very busy working and very boring. The Indians were very help full and really cared for us. Finally then village grew and now we live in a place called America . We had old clothes with patches clothes. Are games and festivals are always the best as well. We all work hard for everything we've done.

In order for this to be a successful Thanks giving, you need to work hard and prepare for the big day. Also you can never forget about the turkey. The Villagers went to get the fattest Turkey the village. They brought it and killed. While everyone was cooking all the men ran out and went fishing. After we went to go get corn and all other things that we could eat. We came back and we had to clean the house before all the guest arrived. The dead turkey took a long time to cook so we had to wait for hours. Are turkey was so big that we needed two ovens to bake it.

In addition the pilgrims including myself are making the best Thanksgiving feast. We wore the nicest clothes such as boys were long black pants and a black shirt with a belt. The girls have to wear long dresses and a bonnet. The clothes are very special to wear on Thanksgiving. Addition to this every one must be well behaved. This is what we wore on special occasion.

The games we play on this special day are pin the tail on the chicken and kick the acorn. These games are very special to everyone. These games were made later on in the years. All the games are very fun and can be childish. These are the game that we played on special occasions. Most of these games are traditional.

Thanksgiving is very special and has many fun activities. The clothes, the work, and the games are very special on days like these. Thanksgiving is very special because that day you give thanks for everything you have. The work is so you can have the best thanksgiving ever. The clothes are so you can look good and the games are for fun and entertainment. This is why we celebrate Thanksgiving.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are presented in the story. The narrative demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task, and provides description and details that are all relevant to the story.

The parts of the story relate to the main event, which is Thanksgiving dinner among the pilgrims and the Indians. (“In order for this to be a successful Thanks giving, you need to work hard and prepare for the big day. Also you can never forget about the turkey. The Villagers went to get the fattest Turkey the village. They brought it and killed. While everyone was cooking all the men ran out and went fishing. After we went to go get corn and all other things that we could eat. We came back and we had to clean the house before all the guest arrived. The dead turkey took a long time to cook so we had to wait for hours. Are turkey was so big that we needed two ovens to bake it.”)

In the beginning, what happened before the main event is stated effectively. (“We lived in a small area and it was my turn to wash the clothes. It's was early and everyone was awake watering their crops. Everyone always came to me for help. We were running out of food and finally Indians came and helped us. It wasn't far because they got the food, but we had to cook it. It was very hard living in the winter. Many little people survive the cold winters. Most of the time the village was very busy working and very boring. The Indians were very help full and really cared for us. Finally then village grew and now we live in a place called America . We had old clothes with patches clothes. Are games and festivals are always the best as well. We all work hard for everything we've done.”)

The details of the story support the topic and purpose effectively. (“In addition the pilgrims including myself are making the best Thanksgiving feast. We wore the nicest clothes such as boys were long black pants and a black shirt with a belt. The girls have to wear long dresses and a bonnet. The clothes are very special to wear on Thanksgiving. Addition to this every one must be well behaved. This is what we wore on special occasion. …The games we play on this special day are pin the tail on the chicken and kick the acorn. These games are very special to everyone. These games were made later on in the years. All the games are very fun and can be childish. These are the game that we played on special occasions. Most of these games are traditional.”)

Content & Development

Good content and development are provided in this story. There is a well-developed plot and setting with believable characters created. Tension, conflict, or a problem that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story is also established. Dialogue is used effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

The writer uses effective sensory detail (how something looks, smells, and feels, etc.) to develop the characters regarding the types of clothes they wore. (“In addition the pilgrims including myself are making the best Thanksgiving feast. We wore the nicest clothes such as boys were long black pants and a black shirt with a belt. The girls have to wear long dresses and a bonnet. The clothes are very special to wear on Thanksgiving. Addition to this every one must be well behaved. This is what we wore on special occasion.”)

The plot is effectively developed. (“We lived in a small area and it was my turn to wash the clothes. It's was early and everyone was awake watering their crops. Everyone always came to me for help. We were running out of food and finally Indians came and helped us. It wasn't far because they got the food, but we had to cook it. It was very hard living in the winter. Many little people survive the cold winters. Most of the time the village was very busy working and very boring. The Indians were very help full and really cared for us. Finally then village grew and now we live in a place called America . We had old clothes with patches clothes. Are games and festivals are always the best as well. We all work hard for everything we've done.”)

There is effective information about what happened before the event. (“We lived in a small area and it was my turn to wash the clothes. It's was early and everyone was awake watering their crops. Everyone always came to me for help. We were running out of food and finally Indians came and helped us. It wasn't far because they got the food, but we had to cook it. It was very hard living in the winter. Many little people survive the cold winters. Most of the time the village was very busy working and very boring. The Indians were very help full and really cared for us. Finally then village grew and now we live in a place called America . We had old clothes with patches clothes. Are games and festivals are always the best as well. We all work hard for everything we've done.”)

Organization

The narrative contains good organization. The opening excites readers to continue reading. The story flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. Additionally, the ending provides readers with a sense of completeness.

Transitions are used effectively to connect events in the story. (“ In addition the pilgrims including myself are making the best Thanksgiving feast.”)

The beginning includes effective background information about the event. (“ We lived in a small area and it was my turn to wash the clothes. It's was early and everyone was awake watering their crops. Everyone always came to me for help. We were running out of food and finally Indians came and helped us. It wasn't far because they got the food, but we had to cook it. It was very hard living in the winter. Many little people survive the cold winters. Most of the time the village was very busy working and very boring. The Indians were very help full and really cared for us. Finally then village grew and now we live in a place called America . We had old clothes with patches clothes. Are games and festivals are always the best as well. We all work hard for everything we've done.”)

The story includes an effective ending. (“ Thanksgiving is very special and has many fun activities. The clothes, the work, and the games are very special on days like these. Thanksgiving is very special because that day you give thanks for everything you have. The work is so you can have the best thanksgiving ever. The clothes are so you can look good and the games are for fun and entertainment. This is why we celebrate Thanksgiving.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates good use of language and style in the story. It contains appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice, a clear sense of audience, and w ell-structured sentences with some variety .

The language and tone are consistent in providing a detailed picture of what the Thanksgiving between the pilgrims and Indians was like. (“ We lived in a small area and it was my turn to wash the clothes. It's was early and everyone was awake watering their crops. Everyone always came to me for help. We were running out of food and finally Indians came and helped us. It wasn't far because they got the food, but we had to cook it. It was very hard living in the winter. Many little people survive the cold winters. Most of the time the village was very busy working and very boring. The Indians were very help full and really cared for us. Finally then village grew and now we live in a place called America . We had old clothes with patches clothes. Are games and festivals are always the best as well. We all work hard for everything we've done.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the second and third body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“ In addition the pilgrims including myself are making the best Thanksgiving feast. We wore the nicest clothes such as boys were long black pants and a black shirt with a belt. The girls have to wear long dresses and a bonnet. The clothes are very special to wear on Thanksgiving. Addition to this every one must be well behaved. This is what we wore on special occasion. …The games we play on this special day are pin the tail on the chicken and kick the acorn. These games are very special to everyone. These games were made later on in the years. All the games are very fun and can be childish. These are the game that we played on special occasions. Most of these games are traditional.”)

The following compound sentence is used effectively: “ It wasn't far because they got the food, but we had to cook it.”

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of mechanics and conventions is provided in the narrative. There are f ew errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, most sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ The Indians were very help full and really cared for us. Finally then village grew and now we live in a place called America .”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

This morning I woke up with a pilgrim family. It was very interesting, since I wore different clothes, and had different chores.The things I liked the most were the games!

I got up from the bed that I shared with another girl, and I put on my worn dress, stockings, shoes, and an old bonnet. Then I left to help with breakfast. After everyone at that house had had something to eat, I sat down to help the mother mend some clothes. While I fixed some pants, she started to make special Christmas clothes, even though it was only late November.

Then I went out to help the younger children in the garden. We weeded, and then made sure that there was nothing left on the plants. After we finished gardening, we gathered in the small house for a bite of lunch.

Afterwords, the little kids went outside to play, while the mother and I stayed in to do more sewing. Her stitches were small and neat, but mine were large and awkward. When the sunlight began to fade, we gathered everyone inside once more. We had a small dinner, and then went to our beds. When I woke up in the morning, I was back in 2008.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story provides adequate focus and meaning. Demonstrated is a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task with description and details that are relevant to the story.

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“Then I went out to help the younger children in the garden. We weeded, and then made sure that there was nothing left on the plants. After we finished gardening, we gathered in the small house for a bite of lunch.”)

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are adequate. (“I got up from the bed that I shared with another girl, and I put on my worn dress, stockings, shoes, and an old bonnet. Then I left to help with breakfast. After everyone at that house had had something to eat, I sat down to help the mother mend some clothes. While I fixed some pants, she started to make special Christmas clothes, even though it was only late November.”)

The sensory words (words that describe how something looks, tastes, sound, feels, or smells) are adequately developed. (“ Her stitches were small and neat, but mine were large and awkward. When the sunlight began to fade, we gathered everyone inside once more.”)

Content & Development

Adequate content and development are shown. The narrative provides a reasonably developed plot and setting and creates believable characters. The writer establishes tension, conflict, or a problem that holds the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

There is adequate sensory detail about the setting (how it looks, smells, feels, etc.). (“ When the sunlight began to fade, we gathered everyone inside once more.”)

The plot is adequately developed. (“I got up from the bed that I shared with another girl, and I put on my worn dress, stockings, shoes, and an old bonnet. Then I left to help with breakfast. After everyone at that house had had something to eat, I sat down to help the mother mend some clothes. While I fixed some pants, she started to make special Christmas clothes, even though it was only late November.”)

Details adequately describe the story’s solution. (“Afterwords, the little kids went outside to play, while the mother and I stayed in to do more sewing. Her stitches were small and neat, but mine were large and awkward. When the sunlight began to fade, we gathered everyone inside once more. We had a small dinner, and then went to our beds. When I woke up in the morning, I was back in 2008.”)

Organization

Adequate organization can be found in this narrative. It provides an interesting opening that keeps the readers reading. The story generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transitions to support sequential development.

The story grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ This morning I woke up with a pilgrim family. It was very interesting, since I wore different clothes, and had different chores.The things I liked the most were the games!”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. (“ Afterwords, the little kids went outside to play, while the mother and I stayed in to do more sewing.”)

The beginning and the ending are connected adequately, as the character in the story wakes up in another time period among the pilgrims in the beginning of the story, and later wakes up the next morning back in present time. (“ This morning I woke up with a pilgrim family. It was very interesting, since I wore different clothes, and had different chores.The things I liked the most were the games! …When I woke up in the morning, I was back in 2008.”)

Language Use & Style

Adequate use of language and style is exhibited in the story. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer also generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ I got up from the bed that I shared with another girl, and I put on my worn dress, stockings, shoes, and an old bonnet. Then I left to help with breakfast. After everyone at that house had had something to eat, I sat down to help the mother mend some clothes. While I fixed some pants, she started to make special Christmas clothes, even though it was only late November.”)

Exact and specific words, such as “pilgrim” from the prompt task, are used adequately. (“ This morning I woke up with a pilgrim family.”)

Word choice is sometimes poor; for example, the word “different” is used twice in the following sentence: “ It was very interesting, since I wore different clothes, and had different chores.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer conveys adequate control of mechanics and conventions in the story. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, m any sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ Afterwords, the little kids went outside to play, while the mother and I stayed in to do more sewing. Her stitches were small and neat, but mine were large and awkward.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

Once when I was sailing with Christopher Columbus, we crossed mountain ridge, and stopped for lunch at a sandwich saloon. I had a bologne sandwich, and Columbus had a turkey sandwich. Once lunch was over, we sailed back to shore.

We went to an old time taylor to buy some old time clothes. We hang out with the Indians all day and all night, weekends and holidays too. For work we dug up gold and sold it for money. So once we were done partying, I went home. Christopher Columbus waved good-bye saying don't you cry, I'll be back again someday. So he went back to Ohio .

But we went back to Ohio to play some games. We played rocked socked and I taught them hockey. so I went home to go to bed. And thats how I spent my day with Christopher Columbus.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This narrative presents a limited focus and meaning. It demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task, while providing description and details that may not be relevant.

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are limitedly stated. (“Once when I was sailing with Christopher Columbus, we crossed mountain ridge, and stopped for lunch at a sandwich saloon. I had a bologne sandwich, and Columbus had a turkey sandwich. Once lunch was over, we sailed back to shore.”)

Details about characters are limited. (“Once when I was sailing with Christopher Columbus, we crossed mountain ridge, and stopped for lunch at a sandwich saloon. I had a bologne sandwich, and Columbus had a turkey sandwich. Once lunch was over, we sailed back to shore.”)

There is limited use of dialogue. (“Christopher Columbus waved good-bye saying don't you cry, I'll be back again someday. So he went back to Ohio .”)

Content & Development

This story consists of limited content and development. The writer provides an adequately developed plot, setting, and characters, but lacks sufficient detail to make this more than just a summary of what happens in the story. Tension, conflict, or a problem may be stated, but not developed. Some dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Limited detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“We went to an old time taylor to buy some old time clothes. We hang out with the Indians all day and all night, weekends and holidays too. For work we dug up gold and sold it for money. So once we were done partying, I went home. Christopher Columbus waved good-bye saying don't you cry, I'll be back again someday. So he went back to Ohio .”)

The setting is developed in only limited detail. (“ Once when I was sailing with Christopher Columbus, we crossed mountain ridge, and stopped for lunch at a sandwich saloon.”)

The dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud) is limited. (“ Christopher Columbus waved good-bye saying don't you cry, I'll be back again someday.”)

The plot is limited. (“But we went back to Ohio to play some games. We played rocked socked and I taught them hockey. so I went home to go to bed. And thats how I spent my day with Christopher Columbus.”)

Organization

The story is limited in its organization. The narrative provides an adequate opening that may not hold the readers’ attention. The flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Transitions may be weak, but readers are provided with some sense of closure.

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story and lead readers through the plot. (“ Once lunch was over, we sailed back to shore.”)

The beginning includes only limited background information about the event. (“ Once when I was sailing with Christopher Columbus, we crossed mountain ridge, and stopped for lunch at a sandwich saloon. I had a bologne sandwich, and Columbus had a turkey sandwich. Once lunch was over, we sailed back to shore.”)

The story includes a limited ending. (“ But we went back to Ohio to play some games. We played rocked socked and I taught them hockey. so I went home to go to bed. And thats how I spent my day with Christopher Columbus.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in the story is adequate. The writing demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and a reliance on simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety and word choice.

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ So he went back to Ohio .”)

There is repetition, as the word “sandwich” is used three times in the following excerpt: “ Once when I was sailing with Christopher Columbus, we crossed mountain ridge, and stopped for lunch at a sandwich saloon. I had a bologne sandwich, and Columbus had a turkey sandwich.”

The story should use more varied and appropriate transitions. (“ But we went back to Ohio to play some games. We played rocked socked and I taught them hockey. so I went home to go to bed. And thats how I spent my day with Christopher Columbus.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The student’s control over the use of mechanics and conventions in the story is limited. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“so I went home to go to bed. And thats how I spent my day with Christopher Columbus.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Story

once I has a dream about I am went back to past and spent a day with pilgrims. The dream become trune when I woke up I was in a wooden house. I saw there was lots of pilgrims are working very hard. I ask a little boy why they are working so hard. He said thanks giving is torromow we are pearping. later i am going to hunt turkey want come with me? first we need went to forest and a find turkey. are wepon is bow and arrowa.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Minimal focus and meaning can be found in this narrative. It demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides description and details that may stray from the point of the story.

The story only minimally states the main event. (“once I has a dream about I am went back to past and spent a day with pilgrims. The dream become trune when I woke up I was in a wooden house. I saw there was lots of pilgrims are working very hard. I ask a little boy why they are working so hard. He said thanks giving is torromow we are pearping. later i am going to hunt turkey want come with me? first we need went to forest and a find turkey. are wepon is bow and arrowa.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“once I has a dream about I am went back to past and spent a day with pilgrims. The dream become trune when I woke up I was in a wooden house. I saw there was lots of pilgrims are working very hard. I ask a little boy why they are working so hard. He said thanks giving is torromow we are pearping. later i am going to hunt turkey want come with me? first we need went to forest and a find turkey. are wepon is bow and arrowa.”)

The audience for the story is often not clear. (“once I has a dream about I am went back to past and spent a day with pilgrims. The dream become trune when I woke up I was in a wooden house. I saw there was lots of pilgrims are working very hard. I ask a little boy why they are working so hard. He said thanks giving is torromow we are pearping. later i am going to hunt turkey want come with me? first we need went to forest and a find turkey. are wepon is bow and arrowa.”)

Content & Development

This story consists of minimally developed content. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. Furthermore, there is a lack of tension or conflict to make the story interesting. Little dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Minimal detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“once I has a dream about I am went back to past and spent a day with pilgrims. The dream become trune when I woke up I was in a wooden house. I saw there was lots of pilgrims are working very hard. I ask a little boy why they are working so hard. He said thanks giving is torromow we are pearping. later i am going to hunt turkey want come with me? first we need went to forest and a find turkey. are wepon is bow and arrowa.”)

The setting is not developed in detail. (“once I has a dream about I am went back to past and spent a day with pilgrims. The dream become trune when I woke up I was in a wooden house. I saw there was lots of pilgrims are working very hard. I ask a little boy why they are working so hard. He said thanks giving is torromow we are pearping. later i am going to hunt turkey want come with me? first we need went to forest and a find turkey. are wepon is bow and arrowa.”)

The characters are not developed in detail. (“once I has a dream about I am went back to past and spent a day with pilgrims. The dream become trune when I woke up I was in a wooden house. I saw there was lots of pilgrims are working very hard. I ask a little boy why they are working so hard. He said thanks giving is torromow we are pearping. later i am going to hunt turkey want come with me? first we need went to forest and a find turkey. are wepon is bow and arrowa.”)

Organization

Minimal organization is apparent to readers of this story. It provides an opening that may repeat the title of the prompt. The flow of the narrative may be difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. Additionally, little evidence of an ending is demonstrated.

The story does not effectively grab the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“once I has a dream about I am went back to past and spent a day with pilgrims. The dream become trune when I woke up I was in a wooden house. I saw there was lots of pilgrims are working very hard. I ask a little boy why they are working so hard. He said thanks giving is torromow we are pearping. later i am going to hunt turkey want come with me? first we need went to forest and a find turkey. are wepon is bow and arrowa.”)

The beginning includes only minimal background information about the event. (“once I has a dream about I am went back to past and spent a day with pilgrims. The dream become trune when I woke up I was in a wooden house. I saw there was lots of pilgrims are working very hard. I ask a little boy why they are working so hard. He said thanks giving is torromow we are pearping. later i am going to hunt turkey want come with me? first we need went to forest and a find turkey. are wepon is bow and arrowa.”)

The story only minimally includes an ending. (“once I has a dream about I am went back to past and spent a day with pilgrims. The dream become trune when I woke up I was in a wooden house. I saw there was lots of pilgrims are working very hard. I ask a little boy why they are working so hard. He said thanks giving is torromow we are pearping. later i am going to hunt turkey want come with me? first we need went to forest and a find turkey. are wepon is bow and arrowa.”)

Language Use & Style

Minimal use of language and style is evident in the story. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“ The dream become trune when I woke up I was in a wooden house. I saw there was lots of pilgrims are working very hard. I ask a little boy why they are working so hard. He said thanks giving is torromow we are pearping.”)

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ are wepon is bow and arrowa.”)

Exact words are missing, such as “to” in the following excerpt: “ later i am going to hunt turkey want come with me?”

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer shows minimal control over the correct use of the mechanics and conventions of standard written English. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“once I has a dream about I am went back to past and spent a day with pilgrims. The dream become trune when I woke up I was in a wooden house. I saw there was lots of pilgrims are working very hard. I ask a little boy why they are working so hard. He said thanks giving is torromow we are pearping. later i am going to hunt turkey want come with me? first we need went to forest and a find turkey. are wepon is bow and arrowa.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

This is my first day with the native Americans. it is fun because we played with and i through it the farthest. gess how far i through it. i through it 15 feet. that is not all i did. i found a bear and the chaef killed it. we are having it fo dinner. the luckily

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This brief story includes an inadequate focus and meaning. It demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task, while providing very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story.

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is not stated. (“This is my first day with the native Americans. it is fun because we played with and i through it the farthest. gess how far i through it. i through it 15 feet. that is not all i did. i found a bear and the chaef killed it. we are having it fo dinner. the luckily”)

The audience for the story is not clear. (“This is my first day with the native Americans. it is fun because we played with and i through it the farthest. gess how far i through it. i through it 15 feet. that is not all i did. i found a bear and the chaef killed it. we are having it fo dinner. the luckily”)

All parts of the story do not relate to the main event. (“This is my first day with the native Americans. it is fun because we played with and i through it the farthest. gess how far i through it. i through it 15 feet. that is not all i did. i found a bear and the chaef killed it. we are having it fo dinner. the luckily”)

Content & Development

Content and development within the story are inadequate. The narrative l acks an identifiable plot and setting. Characters are introduced, but are not developed. Furthermore, a lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow.

The setting is not developed in detail. (“This is my first day with the native Americans. it is fun because we played with and i through it the farthest. gess how far i through it. i through it 15 feet. that is not all i did. i found a bear and the chaef killed it. we are having it fo dinner. the luckily”)

The characters are not developed in detail. (“This is my first day with the native Americans. it is fun because we played with and i through it the farthest. gess how far i through it. i through it 15 feet. that is not all i did. i found a bear and the chaef killed it. we are having it fo dinner. the luckily”)

There is no dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud). (“This is my first day with the native Americans. it is fun because we played with and i through it the farthest. gess how far i through it. i through it 15 feet. that is not all i did. i found a bear and the chaef killed it. we are having it fo dinner. the luckily”)

Organization

The story shows evidence of inadequate organization. It may have an opening that does no more than repeat the title of the prompt. The story lacks basic organization (beginning, middle, and end) with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“This is my first day with the native Americans. it is fun because we played with and i through it the farthest. gess how far i through it. i through it 15 feet. that is not all i did. i found a bear and the chaef killed it. we are having it fo dinner. the luckily”)

The beginning does not include background information about the event. (“This is my first day with the native Americans. it is fun because we played with and i through it the farthest. gess how far i through it. i through it 15 feet. that is not all i did. i found a bear and the chaef killed it. we are having it fo dinner. the luckily”)

Events are not clearly in order. (“This is my first day with the native Americans. it is fun because we played with and i through it the farthest. gess how far i through it. i through it 15 feet. that is not all i did. i found a bear and the chaef killed it. we are having it fo dinner. the luckily”)

The story includes no ending. (“This is my first day with the native Americans. it is fun because we played with and i through it the farthest. gess how far i through it. i through it 15 feet. that is not all i did. i found a bear and the chaef killed it. we are having it fo dinner. the luckily”)

Language Use & Style

Language use and style, as seen in this story, are clearly inadequate. The writing demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“This is my first day with the native Americans. it is fun because we played with and i through it the farthest. gess how far i through it. i through it 15 feet. that is not all i did. i found a bear and the chaef killed it. we are having it fo dinner. the luckily”)

Exact words are missing. (“This is my first day with the native Americans. it is fun because we played with and i through it the farthest. gess how far i through it. i through it 15 feet. that is not all i did. i found a bear and the chaef killed it. we are having it fo dinner. the luckily”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate any purpose to the intended audience. (“This is my first day with the native Americans. it is fun because we played with and i through it the farthest. gess how far i through it. i through it 15 feet. that is not all i did. i found a bear and the chaef killed it. we are having it fo dinner. the luckily”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story exhibits inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. Errors are so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“This is my first day with the native Americans. it is fun because we played with and i through it the farthest. gess how far i through it. i through it 15 feet. that is not all i did. i found a bear and the chaef killed it. we are having it fo dinner. the luckily”)

A Funny Thing

Each person has had an instance when something funny or out of the ordinary happened. Write an essay describing the funniest thing that ever happened to you in your own life.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Two weekends ago a couple of my friends, Tori, Alex, Bonnie and I decided to have a little get together. We all went to the football game together, but after half time was over we decided to go home. We only stayed for half time to see who would be homecoming queen. After that was over, Tori's mom took us home. We stopped at my house on the way there to get High School Musical and my camera.

When we got home Mrs. Smith was making her special halloween desert. It was this chocolate pudding stuff with little cool whip ghosts on it and it had candy corn on it. I had brought some magazines along and we decided to look at them. We were looking at them for no more than five minutes when we decided to dance to Queen(I had brought the CD along because we like to listen to them.) We went downstairs into the basement and started to blare it! We took turns dancing and we would be judged from 1 to 10. Tori went first and danced to Another One Bites the Dust. She got an overall score of 25 points. Then it was my turn. I forget the song that I danced to, but I got an overall score of 25 also. Bonnie was up next. She danced to Bohemian Rap City . She got an overall score of 27. Her dance was pretty funny and good. Last but not least it was Alex's turn. She danced to Another One Bites the Dust too. She got an overall score of 25. After that was over we changed into our warm pajamas, even though we we're so hot.

When we we're finally situated we went upstairs to have some of the delicious brownies I made(they we're pretty good) and some of Mrs. Smith’s halloween desert(that was yummy too)! Then we went back downstairs and played truth or dare. Bonnie dared Tori to pie herself with some of the pudding. Knowing Tori, I knew she would do it. And of course she did. She took some of the cold chocolate pudding desert and put it into a bowl and she stuck her whole face into the bowl! When she lifted her face up, her face was covered in choclate pudding and cool whip. She started to scream for Mrs. Smith." Mrs. Smith, Mrs. Smith, I can't see!" Alex, Bonnie and I could not stop laughing, it was so funny! Mrs. Smith came down the stairs and when she saw Tori she started to laugh also. She went back up stairs to go get paper towels for her. Tori whipped her face and went up stairs to wash her face off. We followed her up the stairs cracking up. It was so funny. Once she washed her face off, we went back down to watch The Little Mermaid, one of my all time favorite movies! We didn't get through more than half the movie when Bonnie took it out and put High School Musical in. We all started singing along to the songs. Then we took it out and just sat there in the dark(with a night light), talking. I was laying right next to the light, and it started to bother me, so I turned it off and Alex, Bonnie and Tori started to scream so loud. " What's the matter?" , I asked. " Turn it back on", they screamed. It was so dark I couldn't see where it was and I didn't want to go searching for it in the dark. So Bonnie got up and crawled on top of everyone and turned the light back on. Tori finally said, " Why don't we go upstairs to Alex's room?" They all agreed but me, I wanted to stay down there and sleep but they wanted to go upstairs. So I did too. We we're up there and I feel asleep right away. They stayed up for a little longer.

In the morning we all got up and laid ther for a while watching T.V. Alex got up to go to the bathroom, so I got up and took her spot in the middle. When she came back she tried to squeeze between Bonnie and I, but we wouldn't let her. She kept trying to get her spot back, but Bonnie and I were as tight as a rock.

When we went down for breakfast, we all had cereal. Alex had some of the pudding from the night before. Tori said she would pie herself again. So she took a big bowl of the pudding and stuck her face in it. She took a paper towel to wipe most of the chocolate off. Then she said I should pie myself and I did. The pudding was SO COLD! I took a paper towel and wiped some of the chocolate off my face. Tori and I went upstairs and washed our faces off with warm water.

After that we all got dressed and packed up our things. I wasn't ready to leave all the fun we were having. But eventually we had to leave. I got many funny pictures. That night was the funniest night ever!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the writer communicates with a very effective, engaging, and consistent focus and meaning. This written work clearly demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose of the essay and how to properly address the audience and task. All descriptions and details are effective and relevant to the idea of a humorous event that occurred in the writer’s life. (“When we went down for breakfast, we all had cereal. Alex had some of the pudding from the night before. Tori said she would pie herself again. So she took a big bowl of the pudding and stuck her face in it. She took a paper towel to wipe most of the chocolate off. Then she said I should pie myself and I did. The pudding was SO COLD! I took a paper towel and wiped some of the chocolate off my face. Tori and I went upstairs and washed our faces off with warm water.”)

Content & Development

The content and overall development of this essay can best be described as creative, descriptive, and very effective. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed narrative of his/her chosen humorous event and uses specific and artful descriptions. (“In the morning we all got up and laid ther for a while watching T.V. Alex got up to go to the bathroom, so I got up and took her spot in the middle. When she came back she tried to squeeze between Bonnie and I, but we wouldn't let her. She kept trying to get her spot back, but Bonnie and I were as tight as a rock.”) The essay contains complex characters that effectively establish the writer’s argument. The piece contains an in-depth analysis that engages the reader, and dialogue is used to heighten tension or reveal characters’ thoughts.

Organization

The organization throughout this essay is effective. The written work engages the reader with a clever opening, and it remains entertaining in the following supportive and closing paragraphs. The events covered in the essay flow very smoothly due to the use of excellent transitions that support the sequential development of the essay. (“After that was over we changed into our warm pajamas, even though we we're so hot…When we we're finally situated we went upstairs to have some of the delicious brownies I made(they we're pretty good) and some of Mrs. Smith’s halloween desert(that was yummy too)!”)

Language Use & Style

Due to the use of creative language and precise word choice, this essay demonstrates a very effective use of language and style. The author cleverly describes in detail a humorous event that occurred in his/her life. (“We followed her up the stairs cracking up. It was so funny. Once she washed her face off, we went back down to watch The Little Mermaid, one of my all time favorite movies! We didn't get through more than half the movie when Bonnie took it out and put High School Musical in. We all started sing i ng along to the songs.”) Throughout the essay, the writer establishes a defined v oice, a strong sense of audience, and an engaging mix of varied sentences.

Mechanics & Conventions

In this essay, the writer demonstrates a very effective control over conventions and mechanics. The written work contains f ew or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. (“What's the matter?" , I asked. " Turn it back on", they screamed. It was so dark I couldn't see where it was and I didn't want to go searching for it in the dark. So Bonnie got up and crawled on top of everyone and turned the light back on. Tori finally said, " Why don't we go upstairs to Alex's room?")

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Something funny that happened to me is that when I was eight and I just broke my arm. " What is so funny about breaking your arm?" Well In the hospital and I would NOT go to sleep to the medicine. They gave me. While I was waiting for the test to come back, to see how long I would need my cast on, they said if i got tired to go lay on the bed. Than Then when they left a girl from my school comes in my room. She has a broken arm. SO they needed the bed for her.Because her arm was worse than mine.

Than they took the bed brought another in so if I tired I could lay down. A few minutes later another girl came in and needed the room and the bed but they let us stay in because there was no other room. So when the doctors moved over I found out it was another girl from my school. You might not think that it is funny but the funny thing was we all were in the same grade, same school, and the reason we broke our arms was the same reason we all fell off the rings.

I think that is real funny in my life because we had so many similarities. So that is funny.When I found out I told my mom and she though it was funny.But breaking our arms. So back to the story when I got back to school My cousin told me about the other students who had broken their arms.I told her I knew. She asked how. So I told her. But when I got my cast off they said they should of put the hard cast on but they didn't like everyone else.. So again there is something that is the same. I thought they should of gave me the hard cast but they didn't. They told me it was sprained. It wasn't when they looked at it again to decide if I should get it off early They found out it was broken.

I never thought that would be funny story to write. Until I found out that there were other people that broke their arms. Same way, same school, same hosptital. I think you would have to be there to think it is funny. to me it is like going to the wrong class you think it is embarrising than you look back and you think it is funny. If you think of the whole story than it is funny. If you just think of breaking a bone than it is not funny.When I fell off the rings I was the the only one who could not do the rings. I got half way than I fell off. Than I broke it.I went and got ice and she said that i should get it x-rayed. I got to the hospital and they said it was broken.

I think about it today and I laugh.Because now I can do the rings and it is easy. I use to see how I broke my arm but now I do. If I tell people they laugh and I laugh with them.I wanted to share it because it was the only thing I could think of.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the author writes with a very clear focus and meaning. The focus of the essay remains consistent throughout the opening, closing, and supporting paragraphs. This written work demonstrates a fairly good understanding of the purpose of the essay and how to properly address the audience and task. (“So when the doctors moved over I found out it was another girl from my school. You might not think that it is funny but the funny thing was we all were in the same grade, same school, and the reason we broke our arms was the same reason we all fell off the rings.”) All of the author’s descriptions and details are relevant to the idea of a humorous event.

Content & Development

This essay contains creative content and is developed descriptively. The writer provides the reader with a well- developed narrative on a humorous event, and he/she uses specific details to enhance communication. The characters are believable and aid the writer’s argument. This essay also engages the reader, and the author uses dialogue to clearly reveal characters’ thoughts. (“But when I got my cast off they said they should of put the hard cast on but they didn't like everyone else.. So again there is something that is the same. I thought they should of gave me the hard cast but they didn't. They told me it was sprained. It wasn't when they looked at it again to decide if I should get it off early They found out it was broken.”)

Organization

In this essay, the writer clearly defines his/her argument concerning a humorous event. The writer establishes a cohesive, effective opening paragraph and then follows it with effective support i ng and closing paragraphs. The passages of the essay flow smoothly due to good transitions that support the sequential development of the essay. (“A few minutes later another girl came in and needed the room and the bed but they let us stay in because there was no other room. So when the doctors moved over I found out it was another girl from my school.”)

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language remains creative, artful, and appropriate. (“I never thought that would be funny story to write. Until I found out that there were other people that broke their arms. Same way, same school, same hosptital. I think you would have to be there to think it is funny.”) The writer establishes some evidence of v oice and a clear sense of audience. This essay showcases the use of well-structured, varied sentences.

Mechanics & Conventions

This author has good control over conventions and mechanics. The essay contains few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. These errors do not interfere with the writer’s account of a humorous event . (“ to me it is like going to the wrong class you think it is embarrising than you look back and you think it is funny.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

We all have really funny things that happen in our lives. Or at least I hope you have one moderately funny thing. Your life would be very boring if you don't. Anyway, it is best to record these funny things so you can share their amusement with others. So, here I record the astonishing events of what I call The Five Bears...

One summer day, I was sitting inside, trying to escape the heat. I believe I was at the computer doing something, I can't recall what. And the front door was open, letting a breeze in and the screen door was closed. Then I saw the most interesting picture reflected in the window. I rubbed my eyes. I must be seeing something!

I still saw the horrific reflection, and I describe it here: My neighbor, Betsy, was talking to a woman. The woman was walking five dogs. Five, black dogs. Five, drooling, large, hairy, black dogs. Actually, I don't think they looked much like dogs. More like big hairy bears. One of them, that's quite a lot of... dog. But five! I like dogs, and people who take on big things but of all dogs to have so many of! I wonder how the lady even tells them apart. She must have to buy each of them a ten-pound bag of dog food each day. And what about the vet bills?! Expensive, very very very expensive.

So that was my funny, or rather odd, experience. Scary, huh? What funny, or odd... or weird things have happened to you? I suggest you write them down, you never know who'll want to read them.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning developed throughout this essay can best be described as adequate. The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task of the essay. The author uses relevant descriptions and details, but the essay could benefit from more specific, sensory details. (“One summer day, I was sitting inside, trying to escape the heat. I believe I was at the computer doing something, I can't recall what. And the front door was open, letting a breeze in and the screen door was closed. Then I saw the most interesting picture reflected in the window.”)

Content & Development

The content of this essay is fairly descriptive and clear. The writer provides a basic narrative using some specific and accurate events. The characters are believable and generally establish the writer’s argument. The essay does manage to engage the reader, and uses an internal dialogue to reveal the author’s thoughts. (“I like dogs, and people who take on big things but of all dogs to have so many of! I wonder how the lady even tells them apart. She must have to buy each of them a ten-pound bag of dog food each day.”)

Organization

This essay exhibits fairly clear opening, supporting, and closing paragraphs. The events in this author’s narrative generally flow due to somewhat consistent transitions that support the essay’s overall development. (“So that was my funny, or rather odd, experience. Scary, huh? What funny, or odd... or weird things have happened to you? I suggest you write them down, you never know who'll want to read them.”)

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language remains adequate and appropriate. The author does demonstrate some awareness of v oice and a sense of audience. (“The woman was walking five dogs. Five, black dogs. Five, drooling, large, hairy, black dogs. Actually, I don't think they looked much like dogs. More like big hairy bears.”) This author uses correct, somewhat varied sentences and chooses words that generally hold the reader’s interest.

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates the author’s adequate control over conventions and mechanics. Errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

When I was a little kid I fell off the bike and I was laughed so heard I had to cry. When I grow up I went to the skate rink and I fell and I went to the skate park I fell there and when I fell people make fun of me and I did not like that what so ever.

Just last Saturday I fell when I was doing my trick I fell and I get back up and I try to do it and I did it and I got butter at it and I can do it and I am good at because I keep try it and I try and I did it so I got better and I did not stop trying and and I did not quit I keep doing it and I doing so much better on skate some time I fell here little bit and I was get to learn a lot of stuff.

I meet a lot of people and they are my friend. And I was fell off the skateboard and I got a big black and blue it hurt for 2 weeks. When I was skating I fell I got a black and blue it hurt about 1week.and I allreader and i fell when I was in high hill and it was heard to do it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits a limited focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a somewhat vague argument in the essay’s opening, supporting, and closing paragraphs (“ Just last Saturday I fell when I was doing my trick I fell and I get back up and I try to do it and I did it and I got butter at it”). The author also has a somewhat vague understanding of the purpose, audience, and task of the essay. Descriptions and details are relevant to the author’s narrative, but the narrative does not focus on the idea of a humorous event.

Content & Development

This essay contains a limited amount of content related to the author’s humorous event. The writer does an adequate job of developing the plot, setting, and chosen characters, but this essay lacks sufficient support and detail to make it more than a summary. (“When I was a little kid I fell off the bike and I was laughed so heard I had to cry. When I grow up I went to the skate rink and I fell and I went to the skate park I fell there and when I fell people make fun of me and I did not like that what so ever.”) This author does not use dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Organization

The organization in this essay remains limited. The writer provides adequate beginning, supporting, and closing paragraphs; however, the flow of the essay contains elements of inconsistency or choppiness. The writer’s use of transitional devices is often weak. (“I went to the skate rink and I fell and I went to the skate park I fell there and when I fell people make fun of me and I did not like that what so ever.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer establishes a simple use of language and style. Throughout the essay, the writer demonstrates a limited awareness of v oice and a poor sense of audience. (“I meet a lot of people and they are my friend. And I was fell off the skateboard and I got a big black and blue it hurt for 2 weeks.”) The writer uses basic, unvaried sentences and insufficient word choice to narrate his/her story.

Mechanics & Conventions

Throughout this essay, the writer demonstrates limited control over mechanics and conventions. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. (“When I was skating I fell I got a black and blue it hurt about 1week.and I allreader and i fell when I was in high hill and it was heard to do it.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Mr. S class last year.Mr. S dropped the map on his head!Everyone was laughing!It was during Social Studies.We were talking about sivel rights that day.When he droped it on his head we were talking about what sivel rights ment.After it fell he had to call Mr. M to put it back up.Mr. M had to call the repair man to fix it.I think that was the funniest day in fith grade.Also that is the funniest day ever so far.What is your funniest day ever????????

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of this essay demonstrates the author’s minimal understanding of the given task. The writer also struggles to express his/her idea of a humorous event and has difficulty understanding the overall purpose and audience. (“We were talking about sivel rights that day.When he droped it on his head we were talking about what sivel rights ment.”)

Content & Development

The writer establishes a minimally developed plot and setting. The writer’s chosen event is somewhat apparent, but it lacks a sufficient amount of support and detail to make it more than a vague summary. (“Mr. M had to call the repair man to fix it.I think that was the funniest day in fith grade.”) This essay does not contain dialogue, which could have been used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Organization

In this essay, any specific information regarding the humorous event is limited. Overall, the writer provides little evidence of a structured essay; this piece lacks consistent opening, supporting, and closing paragraphs. The flow of essay may be difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. The author’s use of transitions is inconsistent, and his/her arguments remain brief, uncertain, or conflicting . (“Mr. S class last year.Mr. S dropped the map on his head!Everyone was laughing!”)

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language remains simple and limited. The author analyzes his/her chosen event using generic, non-descriptive words. The writer also struggles by making basic errors in grammar and sentence structure. (“Also that is the funniest day ever so far.What is your funniest day ever????????”) The author demonstrates some awareness of an audience, and his/her voice is occasionally apparent.

Mechanics & Conventions

This author demonstrates a minimal control over conventions and mechanics. The essay contains patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling (“We were talking about sivel rights”) that substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

One time when I was 2 something very odd happen. My parents had taken me to the fair and I wanted to pet the goose.As you poribly know the goose would bite me and it did. A month ago I looked in my.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in this essay is inadequate. The author maintains a confused and incomplete focus while writing, and he/she makes almost no attempt to analyze a funny event in his/her life. The author also demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, or task. (“As you poribly know the goose would bite me and it did.”)

Content & Development

The content of this essay can be described as insufficient. The author’s descriptions contain no detail and are not developed in ways that fully address the main ideas of the essay. (“My parents had taken me to the fair and I wanted to pet the goose.”) The author introduces ideas briefly and does not develop them. The writer also establishes no structured argument and fails to create humor for the reader.

Organization

In this essay, the author includes little information regarding a humorous event in his/her life. Descriptions are brief, lack detail, and are incomplete. Transitions between ideas and paragraphs are few in number, and they do not support the writer’s argument. (“goose would bite me and it did. A month ago I looked in my.”)

Language Use & Style

In this piece, the author showcases a poor use of language and style. The author makes an attempt to describe a funny event in his/her life, but he/she does so in a minimal fashion and uses non-descriptive language. (“One time when I was 2 something very odd happen.”) The author displays little awareness of audience and voice, and he/she commits basic errors in sentence structure, word choice , and usage . Transitions between ideas and paragraphs are few in number, and they do not support the writer’s argument.

Mechanics & Conventions

A Good Deed

Everyone has done something to help another person. Think about a time when you did something that helped someone else. Now write a story about a time when you did something that helped someone else.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Doing good deeds is what separates men and women from animals. Animals do good deeds only to their children, and that is only so that their species will survive. If something tries to harm their children, the parents will try to kill whatever it was. Humans usually aren't that brutal. But many times, humans are unkind. Humans who were unkind sometimes started battles or wars. Kindness is one of the most important traits that we have. Using it to perform good deeds takes it to the next level.

First off, an example of a good deed is shown in the following story that came from the Everyday News. A woman was driving home one day and had to go under an overpass to get there. When she was about to go under it, a frozen turkey flew through her windshield and into her face. It tore her face into shredded pieces. She was rushed to the hospital, where plastic surgeons used metal plates to piece her face together like a jigsaw puzzle. It was extremely painful.

Additionally, the boy who perpetrated the crime was arrested and put on trial for second-hand assault. The boy could have gone to prison for five to ten years, but the woman insisted on offering a plea bargain with the bewildered boy. He pleaded guilty, and was sentenced to a year in jail and an additional six months of probation. This repercussion was significantly less than what the charges would have been, had the woman not generously performed this good deed of enormous charity and forgiveness. The grateful boy thanked the woman, who said that she didn't want revenge. Her good deed saved him a great deal of prison time and a mark against his permanent record.

Seemingly, that story is a near perfect example of doing a good deed for another human being. Unfortunately, most people are not so forgiving. Most people would seek revenge, hold grudges, and hope for the worst for them. When I was in the sixth grade, I was going to my science class when someone bumped me into a metal pole, ripping my left ear open. I had to get taken to the doctor quickly, where I had stitches put in to keep my ear shut. For the next few days, I was extremely angry with the person who had done this unkind deed to me. I wasn't able to do a lot of things until the stitches were off, including basketball, my favorite activity. But after the stitches were taken out, I realized that the person meant no purposeful harm to me. He probably did not intend to rip my ear open, so my good deed was performed in forgiving him and not being angry anymore.

As a result of these reflections, I stopped holding a grudge and started acting normally with him again. I didn't leave the sixth grade with a grudge against him. I'm glad about this. I've realized that a grudge never helps anyone; it simply hurts the person who has it, and usually hurts the person whom it's against. This shows that good deeds of kindness have a bigger impact on everyone than we know. We should try not to be mean. We especially shouldn't try to get revenge, which usually backfires anyway. Kindness helped me, and it should help others too.

Finally, everyone, including me, should try to perform good deeds for everyone else. Everyone is human, and everyone makes mistakes. You shouldn't try to get revenge on those who cause you harm; they usually do not do it intentionally anyway. If you forgive everyone, others tend to forgive you too. In any situation, if you try to be kind and do good deeds, so will everyone around you. Being kind is contagious and can have a sort of domino effect. Performing good deeds never hurts anyone, and I don't know of anyone who was made unpopular for being nice. If everyone would follow this advice, the world would be a much better place than it is today. Do good deeds and let’s make this world a better place to be, for all of us!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay response. Through the narrative, the writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer uses descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story. The writer reflectively showcases moments when demonstrations of good deeds had positive results in the community and in his/her own life.

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. Throughout the story, the writer builds anticipation for what happens before and during the good deeds. Readers are focused on discovering what the good deeds are and how they affect all the characters involved. (“Additionally, the boy who perpetrated the crime was arrested and put on trial for second-hand assault. The boy could have gone to prison for five to ten years, but the woman insisted on offering a plea bargain with the bewildered boy. He pleaded guilty, and was sentenced to a year in jail and an additional six months of probation. This repercussion was significantly less than what the charges would have been, had the woman not generously performed this good deed of enormous charity and forgiveness. ”)

All of the details in the story focus on the main event. Readers are pulled into the good deed scenarios and relevant, effective details are provided to enhance the writer’s experience. The writer succeeds in describing the circumstances and the subsequent good deed choices made by the characters involved. (“When I was in the sixth grade, I was going to my science class when someone bumped me into a metal pole, ripping my left ear open. I had to get taken to the doctor quickly, where I had stitches put in to keep my ear shut. For the next few days, I was extremely angry with the person who had done this unkind deed to me. I wasn't able to do a lot of things until the stitches were off, including basketball, my favorite activity. But after the stitches were taken out, I realized that the person meant no purposeful harm to me. He probably did not intend to rip my ear open, so my good deed was performed in forgiving him and not being angry anymore.”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. All of the writer’s supporting details very effectively communicate the writer’s experience. (“Seemingly, that story is a near perfect example of doing a good deed for another human being. Unfortunately, most people are not so forgiving. Most people would seek revenge, hold grudges, and hope for the worst for them. When I was in the sixth grade, I was going to my science class when someone bumped me into a metal pole, ripping my left ear open. I had to get taken to the doctor quickly, where I had stitches put in to keep my ear shut. For the next few days, I was extremely angry with the person who had done this unkind deed to me. ”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with supporting characters that round out the narrative. The writer clearly establishes a build up to the revelation of the good deeds and subsequent outcomes. In doing so, the writer heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story.

The characters included in the writer’s examples are relevant and believable. (“Additionally, the boy who perpetrated the crime was arrested and put on trial for second-hand assault. The boy could have gone to prison for five to ten years, but the woman insisted on offering a plea bargain with the bewildered boy. He pleaded guilty, and was sentenced to a year in jail and an additional six months of probation. This repercussion was significantly less than what the charges would have been, had the woman not generously performed this good deed of enormous charity and forgiveness. The grateful boy thanked the woman, who said that she didn't want revenge. Her good deed saved him a great deal of prison time and a mark against his permanent record.”)

There is very effective information about what happened before the event. (“First off, an example of a good deed is shown in the following story that came from the Everyday News. A woman was driving home one day and had to go under an overpass to get there. When she was about to go under it, a frozen turkey flew through her windshield and into her face. It tore her face into shredded pieces. She was rushed to the hospital, where plastic surgeons used metal plates to piece her face together like a jigsaw puzzle. It was extremely painful.”)

There is very effective information about what happened during the event. (“Additionally, the boy who perpetrated the crime was arrested and put on trial for second-hand assault. The boy could have gone to prison for five to ten years, but the woman insisted on offering a plea bargain with the bewildered boy. He pleaded guilty, and was sentenced to a year in jail and an additional six months of probation. This repercussion was significantly less than what the charges would have been, had the woman not generously performed this good deed of enormous charity and forgiveness. The grateful boy thanked the woman, who said that she didn't want revenge. Her good deed saved him a great deal of prison time and a mark against his permanent record.”)

Organization

The essay’s organization is very effective. The writer captures readers’ attention by providing a clever opening to the story. The writing flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development, and the writer provides an ending that pulls the entire story together, citing lessons we can all learn and live by.

The story very effectively grabs readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer skillfully paints a picture of an event that garnered an opportunity to perform a good deed. (“First off, an example of a good deed is shown in the following story that came from the Everyday News. A woman was driving home one day and had to go under an overpass to get there. When she was about to go under it, a frozen turkey flew through her windshield and into her face. It tore her face into shredded pieces. She was rushed to the hospital, where plastic surgeons used metal plates to piece her face together like a jigsaw puzzle. It was extremely painful. Additionally, the boy who perpetrated the crime was arrested and put on trial for second-hand assault. The boy could have gone to prison for five to ten years, but the woman insisted on offering a plea bargain with the bewildered boy.”)

Transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“ Seemingly, that story is a near perfect example of doing a good deed for another human being. Unfortunately, most people are not so forgiving. Most people would seek revenge, hold grudges, and hope for the worst for them. ”)

The story demonstrates a very effective ending, emphasizing the narrator’s notions of the lessons that can be learned from these examples of good deeds and their effects on others. (“Finally, everyone, including me, should try to perform good deeds for everyone else. Everyone is human, and everyone makes mistakes. You shouldn't try to get revenge on those who cause you harm; they usually do not do it intentionally anyway. If you forgive everyone, others tend to forgive you too. In any situation, if you try to be kind and do good deeds, so will everyone around you. Being kind is contagious and can have a sort of domino effect. Performing good deeds never hurts anyone, and I don't know of anyone who was made unpopular for being nice. If everyone would follow this advice, the world would be a much better place than it is today. Do good deeds and let’s make this world a better place to be, for all of us!”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is very effective in the essay response. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of intended audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the effectiveness of the story.

The writer makes precise language choices to effectively illustrate the examples of good deeds in the narrative. (“ Additionally, the boy who perpetrated the crime was arrested and put on trial for second-hand assault. The boy could have gone to prison for five to ten years, but the woman insisted on offering a plea bargain with the bewildered boy. He pleaded guilty, and was sentenced to a year in jail and an additional six months of probation. This repercussion was significantly less than what the charges would have been, had the woman not generously performed this good deed of enormous charity and forgiveness. The grateful boy thanked the woman, who said that she didn't want revenge. Her good deed saved him a great deal of prison time and a mark against his permanent record.”)

The writer’s coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the story. (“ Doing good deeds is what separates men and women from animals. Animals do good deeds only to their children, and that is only so that their species will survive. If something tries to harm their children, the parents will try to kill whatever it was. Humans usually aren't that brutal. But many times, humans are unkind. Humans who were unkind sometimes started battles or wars. Kindness is one of the most important traits that we have. Using it to perform good deeds takes it to the next level.”)

There is strong voice from the writer throughout the story. Readers can feel the writer’s convictions about performing good deeds as he/she cites an example from the community as well as an example from personal experience. (“ Finally, everyone, including me, should try to perform good deeds for everyone else. Everyone is human, and everyone makes mistakes. You shouldn't try to get revenge on those who cause you harm; they usually do not do it intentionally anyway. If you forgive everyone, others tend to forgive you too. In any situation, if you try to be kind and do good deeds, so will everyone around you. Being kind is contagious and can have a sort of domino effect. Performing good deeds never hurts anyone, and I don't know of anyone who was made unpopular for being nice. If everyone would follow this advice, the world would be a much better place than it is today. Do good deeds and let’s make this world a better place to be, for all of us!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ Additionally, the boy who perpetrated the crime was arrested and put on trial for second-hand assault. The boy could have gone to prison for five to ten years, but the woman insisted on offering a plea bargain with the bewildered boy. He pleaded guilty, and was sentenced to a year in jail and an additional six months of probation. This repercussion was significantly less than what the charges would have been, had the woman not generously performed this good deed of enormous charity and forgiveness. ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

"I won!" I panted to my friends after a long, hard race. Everybody crashed to the ground. We were so tired. Suddenly, one of my friends yelled. I jumped up to see that my friend had fallen on some trash! As we looked around, we could see that the whole park was spotted with trash. "How did all this trash get here?" I wondered. It had been so clean a month ago, when we had last played. As we looked around, I thought, "How can we play if there is so much trash here? All the other people who come over to this trashy place will go right away."

One of my friends said that she wanted people to like this park, which had once been beautiful. All of us thought hard about what to do. I took action and stated, "Friends, why don't we do a good deed for the environment and clean up this park? We could also raise money and buy more trash cans to help people throw away their trash." Everybody agreed that the park was really messy with all the trash on the ground, not just on the ground, but on the tables. The trash was even in the trees! This was a park that needed a lot of clean-up. Every one of us knew that it was up to us to clean this once-beautiful park.

We all worked long and hard on our good deed. This deed was hard because everyone hated to pick up trash, but even so, we did it for the sake of our park. We used our bare hands, but some of my friends used one of those handy machines. The work was really hard, but we kept doing it. Our work on our good deed paid off after a while, and we had cleaned everything up. Once more, everyone fell to the ground from exhaustion. We were tired again. But all of my tiredness went away when I thought happily about all the people who would turn their frowns upside-down when they saw the clean park, instead of the dirty one. It was all really tiring, but when we thought a little about all the happy people who would see the park the next day, we forgot all about our tiredness, and we kept doing our good deed.

It was pretty hard, because some mean, big kids came over and threw trash all over the place, on purpose. It was so discouraging to leave the park clean the day before, but come back the next day to find the park ruined. But even so, we forced ourselves to have perseverance and we kept at it. Even when we came back with a frown on our faces to find the park ruined, we still did it. We had perseverance. The bullies didn't. We knew that we wouldn't give up, and that the bullies eventually would. I was always discouraged, and my hopes were really low, none of my hopes for the park would come true. I was afraid that the bullies would never give up, but then I remembered that we were doing a good deed. The thought made my hope grow strong again. "The bullies will give up." I thought. They will give up because we are doing a good deed and they are not. So we kept on working long and hard on our good deed.

Everyday, whenever we had spare time, we worked on the park. Some of my friends didn't have as much perseverance, but I still made them do it. The big kids finally gave up, and our good deed was completed! Now, whenever I go the park I look around to make sure that there aren't any pieces of debris left on the ground, because you never know, when your good deed will spoil! The park is always clean now, and whenever I go there, I think about the good deed, the good deed that I did.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the story. The writer demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story.

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are well stated. (“ One of my friends said that she wanted people to like this park, which had once been beautiful. All of us thought hard about what to do. I took action and stated, ‘Friends, why don't we do a good deed for the environment and clean up this park? We could also raise money and buy more trash cans to help people throw away their trash.’ ”)

The parts of the story relate to the main event. (“ This deed was hard because everyone hated to pick up trash, but even so, we did it for the sake of our park. We used our bare hands, but some of my friends used one of those handy machines. The work was really hard, but we kept doing it. Our work on our good deed paid off after a while, and we had cleaned everything up. Once more, everyone fell to the ground from exhaustion. ”)

Details in the story focus on the main event. (“ It was pretty hard, because some mean, big kids came over and threw trash all over the place, on purpose. It was so discouraging to leave the park clean the day before, but come back the next day to find the park ruined. But even so, we forced ourselves to have perseverance and we kept at it. Even when we came back with a frown on our faces to find the park ruined, we still did it. We had perseverance. ”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the essay response. The writer provides a well-developed plot and setting. The writer introduces readers to believable characters who impact the story. Dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Details are used to develop the main events of the story effectively. The writer consistently reveals the reasons why the good deed was performed, the problems associated with accomplishing the task, and the ultimate outcome and impact of the kindly gesture. (“ The bullies didn't. We knew that we wouldn't give up, and that the bullies eventually would. I was always discouraged, and my hopes were really low, none of my hopes for the park would come true. I was afraid that the bullies would never give up, but then I remembered that we were doing a good deed. The thought made my hope grow strong again. ”)

The setting is effectively developed with details. (“ ’I won!’ I panted to my friends after a long, hard race. Everybody crashed to the ground. We were so tired. Suddenly, one of my friends yelled. I jumped up to see that my friend had fallen on some trash! As we looked around, we could see that the whole park was spotted with trash. ‘How did all this trash get here?’ I wondered. It had been so clean a month ago, when we had last played. ”)

The plot is effectively developed. (“One of my friends said that she wanted people to like this park, which had once been beautiful. All of us thought hard about what to do. I took action and stated, ‘Friends, why don't we do a good deed for the environment and clean up this park? We could also raise money and buy more trash cans to help people throw away their trash.’ Everybody agreed that the park was really messy with all the trash on the ground, not just on the ground, but on the tables. The trash was even in the trees! This was a park that needed a lot of clean-up. Every one of us knew that it was up to us to clean this once-beautiful park.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas and events is good throughout the story. The opening of the story excites readers to continue reading. The writing flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. The ending provides readers with a sense of completeness.

The story effectively grabs readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ ’I won!’ I panted to my friends after a long, hard race. Everybody crashed to the ground. We were so tired. Suddenly, one of my friends yelled. I jumped up to see that my friend had fallen on some trash! As we looked around, we could see that the whole park was spotted with trash. ‘How did all this trash get here?’ I wondered. ”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect events in the story. (“ It was pretty hard, because some mean, big kids came over and threw trash all over the place, on purpose. It was so discouraging to leave the park clean the day before, but come back the next day to find the park ruined. But even so, we forced ourselves to have perseverance and we kept at it. Even when we came back with a frown on our faces to find the park ruined, we still did it. ”)

The story includes an effective ending. (“ Everyday, whenever we had spare time, we worked on the park. Some of my friends didn't have as much perseverance, but I still made them do it. The big kids finally gave up, and our good deed was completed! Now, whenever I go the park I look around to make sure that there aren't any pieces of debris left on the ground, because you never know, when your good deed will spoil! The park is always clean now, and whenever I go there, I think about the good deed, the good deed that I did.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good language use, voice, and style throughout the essay response. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with good voice and a clear sense of audience. There are also well-structured sentences with some variety .

The language and tone are consistent. (“ We all worked long and hard on our good deed. This deed was hard because everyone hated to pick up trash, but even so, we did it for the sake of our park. We used our bare hands, but some of my friends used one of those handy machines. The work was really hard, but we kept doing it. Our work on our good deed paid off after a while, and we had cleaned everything up. Once more, everyone fell to the ground from exhaustion. ”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the story. (“ But even so, we forced ourselves to have perseverance and we kept at it. Even when we came back with a frown on our faces to find the park ruined, we still did it. We had perseverance. The bullies didn't. We knew that we wouldn't give up, and that the bullies eventually would. I was always discouraged, and my hopes were really low, none of my hopes for the park would come true. I was afraid that the bullies would never give up, but then I remembered that we were doing a good deed. The thought made my hope grow strong again.”)

The writer employs good word choices to convey the message of the importance of the good deed performed. (“ Now, whenever I go the park I look around to make sure that there aren't any pieces of debris left on the ground, because you never know, when your good deed will spoil! The park is always clean now, and whenever I go there, I think about the good deed, the good deed that I did.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits good control of mechanics and conventions throughout the story. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“ It was pretty hard, because some mean, big kids came over and threw trash all over the place, on purpose. It was so discouraging to leave the park clean the day before, but come back the next day to find the park ruined. But even so, we forced ourselves to have perseverance and we kept at it. Even when we came back with a frown on our faces to find the park ruined, we still did it. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

I haven't done too many good deeds, but this one was a really good one. I was over at my cousins' house and our caretaker fell asleep. There were four little girls plus my brother. Since I was the oldest,I had to take over and be a sort of a baby-sitter.

First of all, it was morning and they hadn't been fed breakfast yet, so I grabbed them and set them around the small eating table. I poured them some cereal. The three year old threw her cereal in the trash and said chips! Then I grabbed a bag of barbeque flavored potato chips and she gobbled them up.

After breakfast, I decided I only had to entertain them until about eleven o'clock, because then I should heat up the hot dogs for lunch. We watched Televison until eleven. At eleven I told them that it was indeed time for lunch. I heated up a package of hot dogs in the microwave and put the bags of chips on the table. I got their drink orders and soon everyone was eating happily when suddenly I listened to a cry. Evidently someone had upset the baby then I saw the six year old had an extra hot dog than the last time I checked, so I told her to apologize and to give back the hot dog to the crying one.

At first, she protested, but behaved well after I promised her if she didn't shape up I'd put her in the corner where she would stay for six minutes (the time outs depend on their age) After lunch we played Barbies in the three year olds room. Apparently, she thinks dogs are giant in the Barbie world because she kept on screaming Oh No! Well, the two year old at the time had been eating gummy bears and when three year old said Oh No, she thought that was wildly funny and spat a mouthful of gummy bears on the eight year old's shirt. I honestly thought she would scream but instead, she just picked the baby up and cooed. Little Trinity and I sighed with relief. Elizabeth suggested we watch television. I cleaned when our show went off. I washed the dishes, swept the floor, wiped the table and counters, and mopped the floor. Then my mom got there. The two older ones were to spend the night, so my job wasn't over until the next day.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains adequate focus and meaning in the essay response. The essay reveals a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides descriptions and details that are relevant to the story.

The writer states the main event of the story adequately. First, the writer sets a scene that puts readers in the home where the good deeds would take place. (“I haven't done too many good deeds, but this one was a really good one. I was over at my cousins' house and our caretaker fell asleep. There were four little girls plus my brother. Since I was the oldest,I had to take over and be a sort of a baby-sitter.”)

The writer elaborates on the main event of caring for the small children throughout the essay. (“We watched Televison until eleven. At eleven I told them that it was indeed time for lunch. I heated up a package of hot dogs in the microwave and put the bags of chips on the table. I got their drink orders and soon everyone was eating happily when suddenly I listened to a cry.”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. The writer uses consistent story-telling techniques to reveal the good deed performed. (“At first, she protested, but behaved well after I promised her if she didn't shape up I'd put her in the corner where she would stay for six minutes (the time outs depend on their age) After lunch we played Barbies in the three year olds room.”)

Details in the story focus on the main event. (“First of all, it was morning and they hadn't been fed breakfast yet, so I grabbed them and set them around the small eating table. I poured them some cereal. The three year old threw her cereal in the trash and said chips! Then I grabbed a bag of barbeque flavored potato chips and she gobbled them up.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate in the response. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting with relevant and believable characters. The writer’s troubles caring for these young children do create a sense of conflict within the narrative that holds readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. The writer shares characters’ thoughts, but not in the form of dialogue. This limits the effect of the intended message.

The setting is adequately developed with details. The writer is able to put the readers in the hub of the home (the kitchen) to help them picture the young ones clamoring for their food. (“…so I grabbed them and set them around the small eating table. I poured them some cereal. The three year old threw her cereal in the trash and said chips! Then I grabbed a bag of barbeque flavored potato chips and she gobbled them up. After breakfast, I decided I only had to entertain them until about eleven o'clock, because then I should heat up the hot dogs for lunch. We watched Televison until eleven. At eleven I told them that it was indeed time for lunch. I heated up a package of hot dogs in the microwave and put the bags of chips on the table. ”)

The writer’s use of dialogue in the narrative is sparse. The writer should employ more dialogue between the characters to assist in revealing their thoughts or what they say aloud to each other in the story. (“Apparently, she thinks dogs are giant in the Barbie world because she kept on screaming Oh No! Well, the two year old at the time had been eating gummy bears and when three year old said Oh No, she thought that was wildly funny and spat a mouthful of gummy bears on the eight year old's shirt.”)

Details adequately describe the writer’s troubles watching and caring for the children and how he/she manages to solve these problems. For example, when the baby is crying, the writer shares his/her assessment of the situation, and the resolution. (“I got their drink orders and soon everyone was eating happily when suddenly I listened to a cry. Evidently someone had upset the baby then I saw the six year old had an extra hot dog than the last time I checked, so I told her to apologize and to give back the hot dog to the crying one.”)

Organization

There is adequate organization in the essay. The writer provides an adequate opening to the story that keeps readers reading. The story generally flows smoothly from one event to another with adequate transitions to support sequential development. The story’s ending is adequate, but it needs to give the readers a sense of closure, and in this case, the writer’s lack of summary and thoughts about lessons learned leaves the readers with nothing much to think about.

The beginning demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab readers’ attention by admitting that good deeds are not a common occurrence for this writer, but he/she did manage to do something noteworthy. (“ I haven't done too many good deeds, but this one was a really good one. I was over at my cousins' house and our caretaker fell asleep. There were four little girls plus my brother. Since I was the oldest,I had to take over and be a sort of a baby-sitter.”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. (“ At first, she protested, but behaved well after I promised her if she didn't shape up I'd put her in the corner where she would stay for six minutes (the time outs depend on their age) After lunch we played Barbies in the three year olds room. Apparently, she thinks dogs are giant in the Barbie world because she kept on screaming Oh No! Well, the two year old at the time had been eating gummy bears and when three year old said Oh No, she thought that was wildly funny and spat a mouthful of gummy bears on the eight year old's shirt.”) By incorporating transitions throughout the narrative, the writer assists readers by carrying the story’s events to their ultimate conclusion.

The story’s ending lacks a summary or lesson learned that would give the intended audience a sense of closure. The writer only shares that the good deed lasted well into the next day. (“ Elizabeth suggested we watch television. I cleaned when our show went off. I washed the dishes, swept the floor, wiped the table and counters, and mopped the floor. Then my mom got there. The two older ones were to spend the night, so my job wasn't over until the next day.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is adequate. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The essay generally reveals correct sentence structure with some variety .

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ At eleven I told them that it was indeed time for lunch. I heated up a package of hot dogs in the microwave and put the bags of chips on the table. I got their drink orders and soon everyone was eating happily when suddenly I listened to a cry. Evidently someone had upset the baby then I saw the six year old had an extra hot dog than the last time I checked, so I told her to apologize and to give back the hot dog to the crying one.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the essay. The writer provides language that adequately describes the conflicts and resolutions included in performing his/her good deed to the intended audience. (“ Well, the two year old at the time had been eating gummy bears and when three year old said Oh No, she thought that was wildly funny and spat a mouthful of gummy bears on the eight year old's shirt. I honestly thought she would scream but instead, she just picked the baby up and cooed. Little Trinity and I sighed with relief.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the story. (“ At first, she protested, but behaved well after I promised her if she didn't shape up I'd put her in the corner where she would stay for six minutes (the time outs depend on their age) After lunch we played Barbies in the three year olds room. Apparently, she thinks dogs are giant in the Barbie world because she kept on screaming Oh No!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits adequate control of mechanics and conventions throughout most of the story. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

The one good deed that I would want to talk about is when I helped my family. The person that I help that I would like to talk about is my mom. I always helped my mom by always helping her clean. I always help my her by doing errands like getting the food at the market when she gets tired, so what she does is drops me off at the market and gives me some money and I get all things she asks for.

Or sometimes I make dinner when she's busy or tired, when she is busy I sometimes make spaghetti, or sometimes I make chicken, or I make some chicken soup. Another thing that I help my mom is by when she is gone at work and when I sometimes come back from school I sometimes cook dinner, or sometimes when she's tired I cook lunch.I love my mom, my grandmother always says don't say you love your mother, show her you love her. So I always show my mom I love her sooooo much.

Shes the best mom I could ever ask her.She is the only person that I can talk to, so she does a good for me, and I do one for her. The other good deed I would like to talk about is helping people in need. I had gone to India . Me and my mom had a good idea of getting things for charity. we got toys, pens, diaries. I also think that they were very happy that they got Christmas. Its a joy to see people happy,and that's what i think a good deed is.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in this essay. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides limited descriptions and details that may not give readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The writer states the main event of the story in a very limited way. (“ The one good deed that I would want to talk about is when I helped my family. The person that I help that I would like to talk about is my mom.”)

The writer’s focus is limited in the essay response. The writer focuses limited details on the assorted ways he/she performs good deeds for his/her mom, then veers off briefly, discussing how he/she helps other people, outside his/her family circle. This writer’s focus seems divided and this minimizes the overall effect the intended message has on readers. (“ Or sometimes I make dinner when she's busy or tired, when she is busy I sometimes make spaghetti, or sometimes I make chicken, or I make some chicken soup…The other good deed I would like to talk about is helping people in need. I had gone to India .”)

The writer provides limited examples in the essay response. The writer seems to provide more of an itemized list of what he/she does for his/her mom in the story, rather than developing a well-rounded narrative that could also include the impact that the good deed has on the other characters. In doing so, readers will be able to fully appreciate the story unfolding in the writer’s mind. (“I always helped my mom by always helping her clean. I always help my her by doing errands like getting the food at the market when she gets tired, so what she does is drops me off at the market and gives me some money and I get all things she asks for. Or sometimes I make dinner when she's busy or tired, when she is busy I sometimes make spaghetti, or sometimes I make chicken, or I make some chicken soup.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The essay reveals a very limited plot, setting, and characters, and lacks sufficient details to make this more than a summary of good deeds performed in the writer’s life. The writer includes examples of good deeds, but does not include a problem in the story. The writer does not implement the use of dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts. By omitting the use of dialogue, the writer misses the chance to elaborate on the meaning of these good deeds in a more significant way.

Although the writer provides a brief sentence stating the purpose of the narrative, limited details are used to develop the main events of the story. (“ Another thing that I help my mom is by when she is gone at work and when I sometimes come back from school I sometimes cook dinner, or sometimes when she's tired I cook lunch.”)

The details about characters in the story are limited. The writer introduces the mom and grandmother in the family, but does not describe them in any way. (“I love my mom, my grandmother always says don't say you love your mother, show her you love her. So I always show my mom I love her sooooo much.”)

The writer does not implement the use of dialogue in the narrative. By including dialogue, the writer can share the thoughts of characters in the story. (“I always help my her by doing errands like getting the food at the market when she gets tired, so what she does is drops me off at the market and gives me some money and I get all things she asks for.”)

Organization

There is limited organization of main ideas and supporting details in the essay response. The writer provides an opening that reflects the prompt task but it may not hold readers’ attention. The flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Transitions are evident, but may be weak. The writer manages to provide readers with some sense of closure.

The beginning of the narrative does not grab readers’ attention in a way that would entice them to continue reading. The writer simply goes into a list of good deeds performed on behalf of his/her mother. (“ The one good deed that I would want to talk about is when I helped my family. The person that I help that I would like to talk about is my mom. I always helped my mom by always helping her clean. I always help my her by doing errands like getting the food at the market when she gets tired, so what she does is drops me off at the market and gives me some money and I get all things she asks for.”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story and lead readers through the essay. (“ Or sometimes I make dinner when she's busy or tired, when she is busy I sometimes make spaghetti, or sometimes I make chicken, or I make some chicken soup. Another thing that I help my mom is by when she is gone at work and when I sometimes come back from school I sometimes cook dinner, or sometimes when she's tired”)

The story demonstrates a limited ending that attempts to summarize the writer’s feelings about doing good deeds. (“ I also think that they were very happy that they got Christmas. Its a joy to see people happy,and that's what i think a good deed is.”) However, the writer needs to provide more details, including what the impact of performing good deeds has on others in his/her life.

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates a limited use of language, voice, and style in the essay response. The essay reveals simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, the word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

The lengths of some of the sentences are short. (“ The one good deed that I would want to talk about is when I helped my family. The person that I help that I would like to talk about is my mom. I always helped my mom by always helping her clean.”) The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the story more interesting to the intended audience.

Oftentimes, the writer uses the same words within sentences. For example, the writer’s use of “I” and “sometimes” is glaringly repetitive. (“ Or sometimes I make dinner when she's busy or tired, when she is busy I sometimes make spaghetti, or sometimes I make chicken, or I make some chicken soup. Another thing that I help my mom is by when she is gone at work and when I sometimes come back from school I sometimes cook dinner, or sometimes when she's tired I cook lunch.”)

The sentences are too informal and word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“ I also think that they were very happy that they got Christmas. Its a joy to see people happy,and that's what i think a good deed is.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The control of mechanics and conventions is limited in the essay response. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, begin each sentence with a capital letter, indicate new paragraphs with line breaks, check for correct spelling of words, and ensure proper usage of words within the context of sentences. (“Shes the best mom I could ever ask her.She is the only person that I can talk to, so she does a good for me, and I do one for her. The other good deed I would like to talk about is helping people in need. I had gone to India . Me and my mom had a good idea of getting things for charity. we got toys, pens, diaries. I also think that they were very happy that they got Christmas. Its a joy to see people happy,and that's what i think a good deed is.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

I remeber when i first done something GENEROUS to someone. it was a girl her name is mary.She is a fourth grade student in a school called Happy Elementry school.she is a nice person to. One morning she called me and told me if i could go to a party with her i told that i had to ask my mom and she said ok fine.So I did she told me that i could so i'm like yes.I called her back i told her everything she told me she wll meet me there.

It was saturday afternoon i got dressed up for the party my friend picked me up from my house we went to the party after we cut the cake a girl slipped and almost put her face on the cake.When i went up there and saved her but instead of she puting head in the cake it was me so she gave me a present and i told her i couldn't except it and she said ok.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay response. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Additionally, the essay reveals some details that may stray from the point of the story.

The story only minimally states the main event of the story. (“ I remeber when i first done something GENEROUS to someone. it was a girl her name is mary.She is a fourth grade student in a school called Happy Elementry school.she is a nice person to.”) The writer misses the opportunity to elaborate on the good deed he/she performed on behalf of the other child, Mary.

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give readers a true sense of the good deed performed. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“…after we cut the cake a girl slipped and almost put her face on the cake.When i went up there and saved her but instead of she puting head in the cake it was me…”) Additionally, some parts of the story often do not relate to the main event. (“One morning she called me and told me if i could go to a party with her i told that i had to ask my mom and she said ok fine.So I did she told me that i could so i'm like yes.I called her back i told her everything she told me she wll meet me there.”)

The writer’s details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“It was saturday afternoon i got dressed up for the party my friend picked me up from my house we went to the party after we cut the cake a girl slipped and almost put her face on the cake.When i went up there and saved her but instead of she puting head in the cake it was me so she gave me a present and i told her i couldn't except it and she said ok.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay response. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. The story lacks tension or conflict to make the story interesting. Little to no dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Only minimal details are used to develop the main events of the story. The plot is only minimally developed. The writer briefly addresses the good deed performed at the party, but these ideas are not developed in a way that enhances the writer’s message. (“…after we cut the cake a girl slipped and almost put her face on the cake.When i went up there and saved her but instead of she puting head in the cake it was me so she gave me a present and i told her i couldn't except it and she said ok.”)

The writer does not provide a narrative that includes a detailed setting or characters. At one point in the story, the writer mentions going to a party at a friend’s house, but there is no description to assist readers in visualizing the scene. Additionally, the narrator is the only voice in the story. (“It was saturday afternoon i got dressed up for the party my friend picked me up from my house we went to the party after we cut the cake a girl slipped and almost put her face on the cake.When i went up there and saved her but instead of she puting head in the cake it was me so she gave me a present and i told her i couldn't except it and she said ok.”)

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is not developed. Only at the end of the story does the writer reveal a response to a gift offering, but dialogue is not recognizably incorporated into the story. (“When i went up there and saved her but instead of she puting head in the cake it was me so she gave me a present and i told her i couldn't except it and she said ok.”)

Organization

The essay’s organization is also minimal. The writer provides an opening that minimally reveals the theme of the story. The flow of the story is very difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. Furthermore, the essay demonstrates little evidence of a strong ending.

The story does not effectively grab readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer misses the opportunity to create a scenario so readers can be pulled into the story from the very beginning. (“ I remeber when i first done something GENEROUS to someone. it was a girl her name is mary.She is a fourth grade student in a school called Happy Elementry school.she is a nice person to.”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. (“ One morning she called me and told me if i could go to a party with her i told that i had to ask my mom and she said ok fine.So I did…”) By including more effective transitions, the writer can create an effective flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence.

The story minimally demonstrates an ending. (“ When i went up there and saved her but instead of she puting head in the cake it was me so she gave me a present and i told her i couldn't except it and she said ok.”) The essay fails to reveal insightful lessons the writer may have learned through the experiences in the story, and it does not attempt to leave readers with too much to think about once the story is over.

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is minimal in the essay response. The writer demonstrates simple language and word choice with little awareness of audience. The essay also displays basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Exact words are missing and errors in syntax are evident. These errors impede readers’ ability to follow the writer’s narrative with understanding. (“ When i went up there and saved her but instead of she puting head in the cake it was me so she gave me a present and i told her i couldn't except it and she said ok.”)

There are several run-on sentences in the essay response. The writer needs to phrase ideas in an effective way to clearly communicate events throughout the narrative. (“ It was saturday afternoon i got dressed up for the party my friend picked me up from my house we went to the party after we cut the cake a girl slipped and almost put her face on the cake.When i went up there and saved her but instead of she puting head in the cake it was me so she gave me a present and i told her i couldn't except it and she said ok.”)

The language is simple and repetitive. Word choices and sentence structure do not effectively communicate the writer’s story to the intended audience. (“ One morning she called me and told me if i could go to a party with her i told that i had to ask my mom and she said ok fine.So I did she told me that i could so i'm like yes.I called her back i told her everything she told me she wll meet me there.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is minimal in the essay response. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized task response. (“I remeber when i first done something GENEROUS to someone. it was a girl her name is mary.She is a fourth grade student in a school called Happy Elementry school.she is a nice person to. One morning she called me and told me if i could go to a party with her i told that i had to ask my mom and she said ok fine.So I did she told me that i could so i'm like yes.I called her back i told her everything she told me she wll meet me there.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Some of the good deeds I did were that I take out the trash for my grandma and aunt so the wont hurt and I walk my grandma's dogs. I also mow people lawns in the summer and shovel snow in the winter. When it is soft ball season me and my cousin go and pick up the home run and we went to go get them and I held a door open for some one in a whel char.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the essay are inadequate in the task response. The writer demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story. The essay does not satisfy the main components of the task.

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is stated, but the writer abruptly provides disjointed examples of times good deeds were performed. For readers, it is very difficult to follow. (“ Some of the good deeds I did were that I take out the trash for my grandma and aunt so the wont hurt and I walk my grandma's dogs.”)

The audience for the story is not clear. Because the essay’s brief ideas are not connected to each other, the essay reads more like a list for the writer, with no intention of providing a narrative for the intended audience. (“When it is soft ball season me and my cousin go and pick up the home run and we went to go get them and I held a door open for some one in a whel char.”)

All parts of the story do not relate to the purpose of the task. (“ When it is soft ball season me and my cousin go and pick up the home run and we went to go get them…”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay response. The writer does not provide an identifiable plot and setting. Characters are introduced, but not developed. The lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow; in other words, not much happens.

The setting is not developed in detail, and providing details about the characters’ surroundings helps readers imagine the scene in his/her mind. (“ I also mow people lawns in the summer and shovel snow in the winter.”)

The writer mentions characters in the story, but they are not developed in detail. (“ Some of the good deeds I did were that I take out the trash for my grandma and aunt so the wont hurt and I walk my grandma's dogs. ”)

There is no dialogue that reveals what the characters may think or say aloud. (“When it is soft ball season me and my cousin go and pick up the home run and we went to go get them and I held a door open for some one in a whel char.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning because it does not clearly focus on telling a story that would reveal, in great detail, a good deed performed on behalf of the writer. (“ Some of the good deeds I did were that I take out the trash for my grandma and aunt so the wont hurt and I walk my grandma's dogs.”)

Events are not clearly in order. There are significant gaps in time sequence that hinder the flow of events in the story. The examples of good deeds are so disjointed, it makes following the narrative very difficult. (“ I also mow people lawns in the summer and shovel snow in the winter. When it is soft ball season me and my cousin go and pick up the home run and we went to go get them and I held a door open for some one in a whel char.”)

The story includes no identifiable ending that summarizes the theme of the prompt task. (“ When it is soft ball season me and my cousin go and pick up the home run and we went to go get them and I held a door open for some one in a whel char.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is inadequate in the essay response. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice with no a wareness of audience and noticeable errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are incorrect word choices employed within the context of some sentences. (“ I take out the trash for my grandma and aunt so the wont hurt…”) Exact words are missing, which creates some sentence fragments. (“ I also mow people lawns in the summer … ”) The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ When it is soft ball season me and my cousin go and pick up the home run and we went to go get them and I held a door open for some one in a whel char.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is inadequate in the essay response. There are noticeable e rrors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized response. The essay is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“I also mow people lawns in the summer and shovel snow in the winter. When it is soft ball season me and my cousin go and pick up the home run and we went to go get them and I held a door open for some one in a whel char.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

A New Invention or Discovery

Imagine that one day you created a new invention or made a new discovery. Write a multi-paragraph story about your experiences creating this invention or making this discovery. Be sure to include details to make your narrative interesting .

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Harold was a great, albeit, eccentric inventor. He was only twelve years old, with a blue afro, and green freckles scattered around his face like sprinkles on a cupcake. Many of his marvelous inventions were made for students. Because most kids spent nearly all of their time at school, Harold wanted to make it enjoyable for them. Students knew him well, not just because of how he looked, but because of how he genuinely cared to make their lives a whole lot easier. It was 7:30 on Friday morning in Providence , Rhode Island . The lustrous, golden sun was already shimmering high in the sky, lighting the town like a glistening Christmas tree. On this particular day, Harold slipped into his purple sweatshirt and walked over to his transformed orange backpack. Tired of hurting his back with heavy books, he had created his orange backpack to float next to him, scientifically sensing his path. As it traveled beside him, Harold began to walk towards the bus stop.

As he descended off the bus, Harold approached the worn, iron gates of his school, admiring his massive improvements. He had given every child a floating backpack, each one very different, to match their individual likings and personalities. Harold had even created floating briefcases for his teachers! When the loud, annoying bell rang, students and their backpacks scurried to their first classes. Harold sauntered on over to Social Studies.

"Hello class!" Mr. Wiggle, the Social Studies teacher said cheerfully. "Today, we will be taking so many notes on ancient Rome , we could write a novel!"Surprisingly, he had barely exaggerated! By the end of class, they had written eleven full pages of notes. Later that day, in math class, their old and ugly teacher, Mr. Newton, said, "We're reviewing multiplication, so you guys have one hour to make a multiplication table, facts 1-100." Language Arts did not go any better. Mr. Smith said, "Why, hello folks! We are going to be writing good, old-fashioned stories! I need at least ten pages by the end of class." The loathing of the class began; by the end of class, they had written over twenty-four pages of hard work. By the time physical education came around, every child was somnolent and worn out. They could not throw balls or do push-ups with their aching hands. It seemed like forever through the sore pain when the bell finally dismissed them from school. Harold's small best friend, Pedro, walked over to him, with his hands frozen, as if he were holding a pencil. "If my hands ever hurt this freaking bad again, I'm going to sue!" he exclaimed irascibly. "Dude, Don't sue yet. I totally just got a wicked, sweet idea! I have to go work on it. See you!" Harold replied as he turned his back and headed home.

Harold stayed in his room all weekend, forming his new invention. On Monday morning, he was ready with the finished product to tell his classmates all about it. "Hey guys! I created something that will totally make our lives easier. I call it a magic writing utensil! It will record whatever is being said by itself and you never need to sharpen it. I think it is going to be totally awesome!" Kids nearly knocked Harold over, rushing to grab a Magic Writing Utensil. It worked perfectly too, well, at least in the beginning.

Two weeks later in Social Studies, a kid named John was taking a test. "Why the heck does Mr. Wiggle always given us these tests?" He thought to himself. "And why does he have such a baby name like Wiggle?" Without any explanation, the Magic Writing Utensil began to write down everything John had just said inside his head. John was not aware of this and turned in his test." "John, you stymied me. Can you explain why you insulted me on your assessment? I happen to love my name!" Mr. Wiggle later stated. John glanced at the test, suddenly realizing what had happened. "Oh no! The Magic Writing Utensil wrote my thoughts!" He ran to tell Harold.

John later found out that this had happened to everybody. They said and thought everything terrible that they could and the pencil wrote it down at a quick speed. It was decided then that the crowd would burn the pencils and give their papers to poor, unsuspecting Harold. He was so mortified by the failure of his latest invention that they say he ran away to Chicago and was never seen again. Legend has it that none of those students ever saw Harold again!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay. Throughout the narrative, the writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer uses descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story. The writer creates a whimsical main character who keeps readers interested as the events in the story unfold.

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. Throughout the story, the writer builds anticipation for what will happen as a result of the invention Harold created. Readers are drawn into these experiences and feel as though they are sitting in class alongside the other students, as they discover how Harold’s invention is getting the whole student body into trouble. (“Without any explanation, the Magic Writing Utensil began to write down everything John had just said inside his head. John was not aware of this and turned in his test. ‘John, you stymied me. Can you explain why you insulted me on your assessment? I happen to love my name!’ Mr. Wiggle later stated. John glanced at the test, suddenly realizing what had happened. ‘Oh no! The Magic Writing Utensil wrote my thoughts!’ He ran to tell Harold.”)

All of the details in the story focus on the main event. Readers are pulled into the school scenarios, and relevant, effective details are provided to enhance the writer’s story. The writer succeeds in describing the circumstances and the subsequent experiences of the main character, who is inventing things that are supposed to enhance, not harm, the students and teachers at the school. (“The loathing of the class began; by the end of class, they had written over twenty-four pages of hard work. By the time physical education came around, every child was somnolent and worn out. They could not throw balls or do push-ups with their aching hands. It seemed like forever through the sore pain when the bell finally dismissed them from school. Harold's small best friend, Pedro, walked over to him, with his hands frozen, as if he were holding a pencil. ‘If my hands ever hurt this freaking bad again, I'm going to sue!’ he exclaimed irascibly. ‘Dude, Don't sue yet. I totally just got a wicked, sweet idea! I have to go work on it. See you!’ Harold replied as he turned his back and headed home.”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. All of the writer’s supporting details very effectively communicate the main character’s experience. (“As he descended off the bus, Harold approached the worn, iron gates of his school, admiring his massive improvements. He had given every child a floating backpack, each one very different, to match their individual likings and personalities. Harold had even created floating briefcases for his teachers! When the loud, annoying bell rang, students and their backpacks scurried to their first classes. Harold sauntered on over to Social Studies.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with supporting characters that round out the narrative. The writer clearly establishes a build up to the revelation of the invention and the subsequent fallout when the invention backfires. In doing so, the writer heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story.

The characters included in the writer’s examples are relevant and believable. For example, the writer includes a main character who, despite being a little eccentric, is well liked and appreciated for his clever ideas. (“Harold was a great, albeit, eccentric inventor. He was only twelve years old, with a blue afro, and green freckles scattered around his face like sprinkles on a cupcake. Many of his marvelous inventions were made for students. Because most kids spent nearly all of their time at school, Harold wanted to make it enjoyable for them. Students knew him well, not just because of how he looked, but because of how he genuinely cared to make their lives a whole lot easier.”)

There is very effective information about what happened before the event. In the beginning of the story, the writer is admiring the invention that provided students with floating backpacks and teachers with floating briefcases. (“On this particular day, Harold slipped into his purple sweatshirt and walked over to his transformed orange backpack. Tired of hurting his back with heavy books, he had created his orange backpack to float next to him, scientifically sensing his path. As it traveled beside him, Harold began to walk towards the bus stop. As he descended off the bus, Harold approached the worn, iron gates of his school, admiring his massive improvements. He had given every child a floating backpack, each one very different, to match their individual likings and personalities. Harold had even created floating briefcases for his teachers!”)

There is very effective information about what happened during the event. The writer provides relevant details about the problem that developed in the story, and how the idea for an invention to solve the problem emerged. (“‘Why, hello folks! We are going to be writing good, old-fashioned stories! I need at least ten pages by the end of class.’ The loathing of the class began; by the end of class, they had written over twenty-four pages of hard work. By the time physical education came around, every child was somnolent and worn out. They could not throw balls or do push-ups with their aching hands. It seemed like forever through the sore pain when the bell finally dismissed them from school. Harold's small best friend, Pedro, walked over to him, with his hands frozen, as if he were holding a pencil. ‘If my hands ever hurt this freaking bad again, I'm going to sue!’ he exclaimed irascibly. ‘Dude, Don't sue yet. I totally just got a wicked, sweet idea! I have to go work on it. See you!’ Harold replied as he turned his back and headed home.”)

Organization

The essay’s organization is very effective. The writer captures the readers’ attention by providing a clever opening to the story. The writing flows very smoothly because of transitions that support sequential development, and the writer provides an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The story very effectively grabs readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer skillfully paints a picture of a young boy whose creative nature adds excitement to the lives of the children and teachers in his school. (“Harold was a great, albeit, eccentric inventor. He was only twelve years old, with a blue afro, and green freckles scattered around his face like sprinkles on a cupcake. Many of his marvelous inventions were made for students. Because most kids spent nearly all of their time at school, Harold wanted to make it enjoyable for them. Students knew him well, not just because of how he looked, but because of how he genuinely cared to make their lives a whole lot easier.”)

Subtle transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“Two weeks later in Social Studies, a kid named John was taking a test. ‘Why the heck does Mr. Wiggle always given us these tests?’ He thought to himself. ‘And why does he have such a baby name like Wiggle?’ Without any explanation, the Magic Writing Utensil began to write down everything John had just said inside his head. John was not aware of this and turned in his test."”)

The story demonstrates an unexpected ending, emphasizing the unknown fate of the main character, who left town after his invention failed to bring joy to his friends and teachers. (“John later found out that this had happened to everybody. They said and thought everything terrible that they could and the pencil wrote it down at a quick speed. It was decided then that the crowd would burn the pencils and give their papers to poor, unsuspecting Harold. He was so mortified by the failure of his latest invention that they say he ran away to Chicago and was never seen again. Legend has it that none of those students ever saw Harold again!”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is very effective in the essay. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of intended audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the effectiveness of the story.

The writer makes precise language choices to effectively illustrate the experiences of the main character in the narrative. (“ Harold stayed in his room all weekend, forming his new invention. On Monday morning, he was ready with the finished product to tell his classmates all about it. ‘Hey guys! I created something that will totally make our lives easier. I call it a magic writing utensil! It will record whatever is being said by itself and you never need to sharpen it. I think it is going to be totally awesome!’ Kids nearly knocked Harold over, rushing to grab a Magic Writing Utensil. It worked perfectly too, well, at least in the beginning.”)

The writer’s coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the story. (“ It was 7:30 on Friday morning in Providence , Rhode Island . The lustrous, golden sun was already shimmering high in the sky, lighting the town like a glistening Christmas tree. On this particular day, Harold slipped into his purple sweatshirt and walked over to his transformed orange backpack. Tired of hurting his back with heavy books, he had created his orange backpack to float next to him, scientifically sensing his path. As it traveled beside him, Harold began to walk towards the bus stop.”)

There is strong voice from the writer throughout the story. (“ Two weeks later in Social Studies, a kid named John was taking a test. ‘Why the heck does Mr. Wiggle always given us these tests?’ He thought to himself. ‘And why does he have such a baby name like Wiggle?’ Without any explanation, the Magic Writing Utensil began to write down everything John had just said inside his head. John was not aware of this and turned in his test. ’John, you stymied me. Can you explain why you insulted me on your assessment? I happen to love my name!’ Mr. Wiggle later stated. John glanced at the test, suddenly realizing what had happened. ‘Oh no! The Magic Writing Utensil wrote my thoughts!’ He ran to tell Harold.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ Harold was a great, albeit, eccentric inventor. He was only twelve years old, with a blue afro, and green freckles scattered around his face like sprinkles on a cupcake. Many of his marvelous inventions were made for students. Because most kids spent nearly all of their time at school, Harold wanted to make it enjoyable for them.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Dr. Edwards was running through the dense Amazon forest and foolishly ran into a clearing in the trees. He slowly cocked his head and saw a medium-sized, phenomenal creature. It was a vile, crab-like insect. He pulled out the Super Book of Animal Kingdoms and vigorously flipped through the pages. The insect wasn't even in there. Dr. Edwards’s adrenaline pumped up to an extremely high level and he thought to himself, "I just made a new discovery!" Just as he started to get his cage out, the creature raised its claw and cut right through the pure, diamond cage! Dr. Edwards has learned always to have a stronger and bigger cage.

"Its claws were amazingly strong,” thought Dr. Edwards, dodging its claws. He aptly pulled out an insect tranquilizer and shot it. The colossal insect toppled to the ground. When it woke up, the crazy Dr. Edwards was performing weird experiments on it. He was giving it acid spit and altering its wings to make it travel at the speed of light. Dr. Edwards felt great that he was now a famous entomologist. Dr. Edwards named the insect, Colossus Insectus. Still, the insect hated being locked up, and usually got out, wreaking havoc on the city by burning down buildings with its acid spit. Entomologists everywhere were asking, "How did you find the insect?" Even the CNN Newscast came and interviewed him. What was heard around the world was another big step for mankind.

Dr. Edwards made a grave mistake by taking the insect away from its habitat. As Dr. Edwards was writing the new animal kingdom book, a purple slash flew right at him and injured his legs. Another slash came, a blue slash, which opened a time portal. Dr. Edwards didn't know insects could open time portals. The insect's wings spread out and it went at the speed of light through time and space. Our hero scientist had a morbid feeling, but hopped into the portal on his bad leg anyway. When he caught up to the bug, he was sweating hard. As a last attempt, he threw a tracking device on the insect. Dr. Edwards slowly floated back through the portal; the bug flew away from him, escaping in the opposite direction.

When his eyes opened, the determined entomologist was back in his laboratory with no giant insect in sight. Dr. Edwards walked over to his lab table and picked up the Mega Animal Kingdom book that he had just written. He flipped to a picture of the insect he had discovered. Dr. Edwards's jovial feeling came back. He thought to himself, "I discovered that insect!"

After all that was over, Dr. Edwards thought, "I didn't capture the insect, but I did do the right thing." He started to hear an annoying, buzzing sound and he bustled over to the table. Dr. Edwards opened the drawer and saw a peculiar thing. An extreme feeling of happiness came over him as he looked into the drawer at a crystal clear screen of a computer tracking device. It read, "Colossus Insectus present in the Amazon Forest ". Dr. Edwards thought, "I never really lost the insect, it just went back to its natural habitat." Just as he was walking away, he thought, "Keep every animal in its natural habitat, or total destruction will come upon you."

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the story and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story.

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are well stated. The writer focuses the narrative completely on the discovery of an insect and the problems it brings for the scientist in the story. (“Dr. Edwards was running through the dense Amazon forest and foolishly ran into a clearing in the trees. He slowly cocked his head and saw a medium-sized, phenomenal creature. It was a vile, crab-like insect. He pulled out the Super Book of Animal Kingdoms and vigorously flipped through the pages. The insect wasn't even in there. Dr. Edwards’s adrenaline pumped up to an extremely high level and he thought to himself, ‘I just made a new discovery!’”)

All the parts of the story relate to the main event. (“‘Its claws were amazingly strong,’ thought Dr. Edwards, dodging its claws. He aptly pulled out an insect tranquilizer and shot it. The colossal insect toppled to the ground. When it woke up, the crazy Dr. Edwards was performing weird experiments on it. He was giving it acid spit and altering its wings to make it travel at the speed of light.”)

The details in the story focus on the main event. Additionally, the writer develops ideas in such a way that the readers can appreciate why a discovery like this would be so important to a scientist. (“Dr. Edwards felt great that he was now a famous entomologist. Dr. Edwards named the insect, Colossus Insectus. Still, the insect hated being locked up, and usually got out, wreaking havoc on the city by burning down buildings with its acid spit. Entomologists everywhere were asking, ‘How did you find the insect?’ Even the CNN Newscast came and interviewed him. What was heard around the world was another big step for mankind.”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer provides a well-developed plot and setting. The writer introduces readers to believable characters who impact the story. Dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Details are used to develop the main events of the story effectively. The writer consistently reveals the experiences of the main character as he makes the discovery of a rare insect in the Amazon forest. (“Just as he started to get his cage out, the creature raised its claw and cut right through the pure, diamond cage! Dr. Edwards has learned always to have a stronger and bigger cage. ‘Its claws were amazingly strong,’ thought Dr. Edwards, dodging its claws. He aptly pulled out an insect tranquilizer and shot it. The colossal insect toppled to the ground.”)

The setting is mentioned, but the writer misses the opportunity to elaborate with descriptive details that would assist readers in picturing the setting of the story in their minds. (“ Dr. Edwards was running through the dense Amazon forest and foolishly ran into a clearing in the trees. He slowly cocked his head and saw a medium-sized, phenomenal creature. It was a vile, crab-like insect.”)

The plot is effectively developed. (“Dr. Edwards made a grave mistake by taking the insect away from its habitat. As Dr. Edwards was writing the new animal kingdom book, a purple slash flew right at him and injured his legs. Another slash came, a blue slash, which opened a time portal. Dr. Edwards didn't know insects could open time portals. The insect's wings spread out and it went at the speed of light through time and space. Our hero scientist had a morbid feeling, but hopped into the portal on his bad leg anyway. When he caught up to the bug, he was sweating hard. As a last attempt, he threw a tracking device on the insect. Dr. Edwards slowly floated back through the portal; the bug flew away from him, escaping in the opposite direction.”)

Organization

The story effectively grabs readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ Dr. Edwards was running through the dense Amazon forest and foolishly ran into a clearing in the trees. He slowly cocked his head and saw a medium-sized, phenomenal creature. It was a vile, crab-like insect. He pulled out the Super Book of Animal Kingdoms and vigorously flipped through the pages. The insect wasn't even in there. Dr. Edwards’s adrenaline pumped up to an extremely high level and he thought to himself, ‘I just made a new discovery!’ Just as he started to get his cage out, the creature raised its claw and cut right through the pure, diamond cage!”)

Subtle transitions are used to connect events in the story. The writer should attempt to incorporate more effective transitions to promote the flow of the story. (“ When his eyes opened, the determined entomologist was back in his laboratory with no giant insect in sight. Dr. Edwards walked over to his lab table and picked up the Mega Animal Kingdom book that he had just written. He flipped to a picture of the insect he had discovered. Dr. Edwards's jovial feeling came back. He thought to himself, ‘I discovered that insect!’”)

The story includes an effective ending. (“ After all that was over, Dr. Edwards thought, ‘I didn't capture the insect, but I did do the right thing.’ He started to hear an annoying, buzzing sound and he bustled over to the table. Dr. Edwards opened the drawer and saw a peculiar thing. An extreme feeling of happiness came over him as he looked into the drawer at a crystal clear screen of a computer tracking device. It read, ‘Colossus Insectus present in the Amazon Forest ’. Dr. Edwards thought, ‘I never really lost the insect, it just went back to its natural habitat.’ Just as he was walking away, he thought, ‘Keep every animal in its natural habitat, or total destruction will come upon you.’”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good language use, voice, and style throughout the essay. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with good voice and a clear sense of audience. There are also well-structured sentences with some variety .

The language and tone are consistent. (“ He slowly cocked his head and saw a medium-sized, phenomenal creature. It was a vile, crab-like insect. He pulled out the Super Book of Animal Kingdoms and vigorously flipped through the pages. The insect wasn't even in there. Dr. Edwards’s adrenaline pumped up to an extremely high level and he thought to himself, ‘I just made a new discovery!’”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the story. (“‘ Its claws were amazingly strong,’ thought Dr. Edwards, dodging its claws. He aptly pulled out an insect tranquilizer and shot it. The colossal insect toppled to the ground. When it woke up, the crazy Dr. Edwards was performing weird experiments on it. He was giving it acid spit and altering its wings to make it travel at the speed of light. Dr. Edwards felt great that he was now a famous entomologist. Dr. Edwards named the insect, Colossus Insectus.”)

The writer employs good word choices to convey the excitement of the discovery, and the subsequent challenges in trying to study the rare creature. (“ Entomologists everywhere were asking, ‘How did you find the insect?’ Even the CNN Newscast came and interviewed him. What was heard around the world was another big step for mankind. Dr. Edwards made a grave mistake by taking the insect away from its habitat. As Dr. Edwards was writing the new animal kingdom book, a purple slash flew right at him and injured his legs. Another slash came, a blue slash, which opened a time portal. Dr. Edwards didn't know insects could open time portals. The insect's wings spread out and it went at the speed of light through time and space.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“ When his eyes opened, the determined entomologist was back in his laboratory with no giant insect in sight. Dr. Edwards walked over to his lab table and picked up the Mega Animal Kingdom book that he had just written. He flipped to a picture of the insect he had discovered. Dr. Edwards's jovial feeling came back. He thought to himself, ‘I discovered that insect!’ After all that was over, Dr. Edwards thought, ‘I didn't capture the insect, but I did do the right thing.’ He started to hear an annoying, buzzing sound and he bustled over to the table. Dr. Edwards opened the drawer and saw a peculiar thing.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

"Awe" I said when it started to rain, "I wish I had an umbrella with me." I was walking home from school with a friend. She had no umbrella. She too said that if one of us had an umbrella, that would be great. That's when I got a great idea. I was going to make a two-person-umbrella. I thought that because that way if two people are walking in rain, only one has an umbrella, it could be big enough for two people!

My friend approved my idea and she said it was the best idea in the world. I asked if she could come home with me to see if we could make one. She agreed and so we went home and found a giant tarp, a long fat bamboo stick, a couple of little bamboo sticks, and some duck tape. We started to put the umbrella together, then when we were done we went outside to test it out. It worked! Then we went outside we both stood under it and the rain didn't soak through.

After testing, we returned and surveyed our work. I personally thought we did a good job on it. Then my mom came out to see what we were doing. When she saw our umbrella she said, "Whoa!" She thought it was the greatest thing she had ever seen! We might have won an award for "Most Shocking Moment for Adults." It was awesome!

My invention is a two person umbrella. It is very tall. It is also wide where the pole is. The umbrella is a great thing to use with two people on a rainy day. The umbrella also feels heavy. I feel very excited and exuberant from all this work. It is an umbrella invention to be proud of. Now I feel like I can invent anything. My umbrella invention may become popular, then I'll be very glad I came up with this invention. My umbrella is very round and narrow, too. The pole is straight also. These are just some reasons I decided to invent something.

Therefor, my invention would be a two person umbrella. My invention will help two people under one umbrella. Inventing a two person umbrella is a great help to people who have kids. Maybe, next time it rains I can use it with a friend to see if it helps. It maybe a funny invention but I think it will actually work with two people.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains adequate focus and meaning in the response. The essay reveals a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides descriptions and details that are relevant to the story.

The writer states the main event of the story adequately. (“I was walking home from school with a friend. She had no umbrella. She too said that if one of us had an umbrella, that would be great. That's when I got a great idea. I was going to make a two-person-umbrella.”)

The writer focuses on the main event of inventing a two-person umbrella throughout the essay. (“She agreed and so we went home and found a giant tarp, a long fat bamboo stick, a couple of little bamboo sticks, and some duck tape. We started to put the umbrella together, then when we were done we went outside to test it out. It worked! Then we went outside we both stood under it and the rain didn't soak through.”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“My invention is a two person umbrella. It is very tall. It is also wide where the pole is. The umbrella is a great thing to use with two people on a rainy day. The umbrella also feels heavy. I feel very excited and exuberant from all this work. It is an umbrella invention to be proud of. Now I feel like I can invent anything.”)

Details in the story focus on the main event. (“After testing, we returned and surveyed our work. I personally thought we did a good job on it. Then my mom came out to see what we were doing. When she saw our umbrella she said, "Whoa!" She thought it was the greatest thing she had ever seen! We might have won an award for "Most Shocking Moment for Adults." It was awesome!”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate in the response. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting with relevant and believable characters. The essay adequately holds readers’ interest for what will happen in the story. The writer shares characters’ thoughts through the use of some dialogue.

The writer uses some dialogue to share the feelings of characters, but could use more to make the narrative richer and more interesting. (“‘Awe’ I said when it started to rain, ‘I wish I had an umbrella with me.’ I was walking home from school with a friend.”)

The writer provides adequate details that all relate to the main event. (“My invention is a two person umbrella. It is very tall. It is also wide where the pole is. The umbrella is a great thing to use with two people on a rainy day. The umbrella also feels heavy. I feel very excited and exuberant from all this work. It is an umbrella invention to be proud of. Now I feel like I can invent anything. My umbrella invention may become popular, then I'll be very glad I came up with this invention. My umbrella is very round and narrow, too. The pole is straight also. These are just some reasons I decided to invent something.”)

The writer briefly provides a conflict in the story when the girls get caught in the rain without any protection from the weather. Out of this momentary problem, the invention is born. (“‘Awe’ I said when it started to rain, ‘I wish I had an umbrella with me.’ I was walking home from school with a friend. She had no umbrella. She too said that if one of us had an umbrella, that would be great. That's when I got a great idea.”)

Organization

The beginning demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab readers’ attention by detailing the moments leading up to the idea to make a two-person umbrella. (“ ‘Awe’ I said when it started to rain, ‘I wish I had an umbrella with me.’ I was walking home from school with a friend. She had no umbrella. She too said that if one of us had an umbrella, that would be great. That's when I got a great idea. I was going to make a two-person-umbrella. I thought that because that way if two people are walking in rain, only one has an umbrella, it could be big enough for two people!”)

The writer needs to use effective transitions to connect events in the story. By incorporating transitions throughout the narrative, the writer can assist the readers by carrying the story’s events to their ultimate conclusion. (“After testing, we returned and surveyed our work. I personally thought we did a good job on it. Then my mom came out to see what we were doing. When she saw our umbrella she said, "Whoa!" She thought it was the greatest thing she had ever seen! We might have won an award for "Most Shocking Moment for Adults." It was awesome!”)

The story’s conclusion is adequate and gives the intended audience a sense of closure. (“ Therefor, my invention would be a two person umbrella. My invention will help two people under one umbrella. Inventing a two person umbrella is a great help to people who have kids. Maybe, next time it rains I can use it with a friend to see if it helps. It maybe a funny invention but I think it will actually work with two people.”)

Language Use & Style

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ My friend approved my idea and she said it was the best idea in the world. I asked if she could come home with me to see if we could make one. She agreed and so we went home and found a giant tarp, a long fat bamboo stick, a couple of little bamboo sticks, and some duck tape. We started to put the umbrella together, then when we were done we went outside to test it out. It worked! Then we went outside we both stood under it and the rain didn't soak through.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the essay. The writer provides language that adequately describes the experiences of creating a new invention. (“ My invention is a two person umbrella. It is very tall. It is also wide where the pole is. The umbrella is a great thing to use with two people on a rainy day. The umbrella also feels heavy. I feel very excited and exuberant from all this work. It is an umbrella invention to be proud of. Now I feel like I can invent anything.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the story. (“ My invention will help two people under one umbrella. Inventing a two person umbrella is a great help to people who have kids. Maybe, next time it rains I can use it with a friend to see if it helps.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits adequate control of mechanics and conventions through most of the story. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should ensure sentences have subject-verb agreement, end with appropriate punctuation marks, and begin with capital letters. Word selections should also be spelled and used correctly and paragraphs should be indicated with line breaks. (“ Therefor, my invention would be a two person umbrella. My invention will help two people under one umbrella. Inventing a two person umbrella is a great help to people who have kids. Maybe, next time it rains I can use it with a friend to see if it helps. It maybe a funny invention but I think it will actually work with two people.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

One night I just got this crazy feeling about making something new, something that would become famous or make me rich. So that night I set out in to the wilderness hoping I would find some sort of tools to macke my invention. But I had no luck in the world trying to find a new discovery so I set off back home where the inventions were popcorn and ice cream.

I know I can find a new invention I just had to look harder but the next night I found some old wires in the trash can and then right there I had found my new invention I was going to make a flying car. I know it sounds crazy but with a little help from my uncle and dad it'll be hear in now time. Sure I needing more equipment for the car but my dad know were all the parts all.

I grabbed a pen and an old napkin and I wrote down all the parts we needed for this great discovery. It wasn't much, it only needed seats tires an engine some paint, wires, radio, ac, heater and some other things I would think of later. But right know I was going to make the invention with the things I already have. The first thing I wanted to start on was the seats, I was thinking dark leather.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer states the main event of the story in a very limited way. (“One night I just got this crazy feeling about making something new, something that would become famous or make me rich. So that night I set out in to the wilderness hoping I would find some sort of tools to macke my invention.”)

The writer’s focus is limited in the essay. The writer focuses limited details on the character’s experiences creating the new invention. (“It wasn't much, it only needed seats tires an engine some paint, wires, radio, ac, heater and some other things I would think of later. But right know I was going to make the invention with the things I already have. The first thing I wanted to start on was the seats, I was thinking dark leather.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the essay. For example, the writer initiates the story with a scene in the wilderness, but cuts it short and provides no relevant details to move that part of the story forward. In providing more relevant details, readers will be able to fully appreciate the story unfolding in the writer’s mind. (“So that night I set out in to the wilderness hoping I would find some sort of tools to macke my invention. But I had no luck in the world trying to find a new discovery so I set off back home where the inventions were popcorn and ice cream.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The essay reveals a very limited plot, setting, and characters and lacks sufficient details to make this more than a summary of a character searching to invent or discover something. The writer discusses his/her idea for the invention of a flying car, but does not include sufficient details to clearly communicate a message to the intended audience. Additionally, the writer does not implement the use of dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Although the writer provides brief information to state the purpose of the narrative, limited details are used to develop the main events of the story. (“One night I just got this crazy feeling about making something new, something that would become famous or make me rich. So that night I set out in to the wilderness hoping I would find some sort of tools to macke my invention. But I had no luck in the world trying to find a new discovery so I set off back home where the inventions were popcorn and ice cream.”)

The details about characters in the story are limited. The writer introduces his/her father and uncle into the narrative, but does not describe them in any way. (“I know it sounds crazy but with a little help from my uncle and dad it'll be hear in now time. Sure I needing more equipment for the car but my dad know were all the parts all.”)

The writer does not implement any use of dialogue in the narrative. By including dialogue, the writer can share the thoughts of characters in the story. (“Sure I needing more equipment for the car but my dad know were all the parts all.”)

Organization

There is limited organization of main ideas and supporting details in the essay. The writer provides an opening that may hold readers’ attention. The flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Subtle transitions are evident, but may be weak. The writer does not provide readers with some sense of closure.

The beginning of the narrative attempts to grab readers’ attention in a way that would entice them to continue reading. The writer creates an initial scenario in the wilderness, but does not remain focused on the scene long enough to keep the readers engaged. (“ One night I just got this crazy feeling about making something new, something that would become famous or make me rich. So that night I set out in to the wilderness hoping I would find some sort of tools to macke my invention. But I had no luck in the world trying to find a new discovery so I set off back home where the inventions were popcorn and ice cream.”)

Transitions are not used to connect events in the story and lead readers through the essay. (“ I grabbed a pen and an old napkin and I wrote down all the parts we needed for this great discovery. It wasn't much, it only needed seats tires an engine some paint, wires, radio, ac, heater and some other things I would think of later. But right know I was going to make the invention with the things I already have.”)

The writer does not provide an ending that gives readers a sense of closure. (“ But right know I was going to make the invention with the things I already have. The first thing I wanted to start on was the seats, I was thinking dark leather.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates a limited use of language, voice, and style. The essay reveals simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. At times, the writer creates sentences that run on and make the essay difficult to follow. W ord selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

The lengths of some of the sentences are too long and contain too many ideas. The result is an essay that is difficult for readers to follow. (“ I know I can find a new invention I just had to look harder but the next night I found some old wires in the trash can and then right there I had found my new invention I was going to make a flying car.”) The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the story more interesting and carefully construct sentences that best communicate these ideas to the intended audience.

Oftentimes, the writer uses the same words within sentences. For example, the writer’s use of “I” is glaringly repetitive. (“ I know I can find a new invention I just had to look harder but the next night I found some old wires in the trash can and then right there I had found my new invention I was going to make a flying car. I know it sounds crazy but with a little help from my uncle and dad it'll be hear in now time. Sure I needing more equipment for the car but my dad know were all the parts all.”)

The sentences are too informal and word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“ I was going to make a flying car. I know it sounds crazy but with a little help from my uncle and dad it'll be hear in now time. Sure I needing more equipment for the car but my dad know were all the parts all.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The control of mechanics and conventions is limited in the essay. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, begin each sentence with a capital letter, indicate new paragraphs with line breaks, check for correct spelling of words, and ensure proper usage of words within the context of sentences. (“I know I can find a new invention I just had to look harder but the next night I found some old wires in the trash can and then right there I had found my new invention I was going to make a flying car. I know it sounds crazy but with a little help from my uncle and dad it'll be hear in now time. Sure I needing more equipment for the car but my dad know were all the parts all.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

Today while I was digging in the dirt I discovered a bone. It looked like a dinosaur bone. Maybe it was a Tyrranosuarus rex. I thought if I should keep it or give it to a scientis. Then I decided to keep it.

Then I took it out from the ground. Then I hid it so no one will take it. Then I went in the house to get something to eat. Then when I came back out I got the bone and started brushing all the dirt off. Then I noticed my mom coming. I quickly hid the bone.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The essay does not satisfy most of the elements of the prompt task.

The story only minimally states the main event of the story. (“Today while I was digging in the dirt I discovered a bone.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give readers a true sense of the discovery experience. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“Then I took it out from the ground. Then I hid it so no one will take it. Then I went in the house to get something to eat.”)

The writer’s details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“Then when I came back out I got the bone and started brushing all the dirt off. Then I noticed my mom coming. I quickly hid the bone.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are merely mentioned rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. The story lacks tension or conflict to make it interesting. Little to no dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Only minimal details are used to develop the main events of the story. The plot is only minimally developed. The writer briefly addresses the discovery of a dinosaur bone, but supporting ideas are not developed in a way that enhances the writer’s message. (“Today while I was digging in the dirt I discovered a bone. It looked like a dinosaur bone. Maybe it was a Tyrranosuarus rex. I thought if I should keep it or give it to a scientis. Then I decided to keep it.”)

The writer does not provide a narrative that includes a detailed setting or characters. There are no descriptions of the setting and the writer does not attempt to describe the characters in any way. (“Then I took it out from the ground. Then I hid it so no one will take it. Then I went in the house to get something to eat. Then when I came back out I got the bone and started brushing all the dirt off. Then I noticed my mom coming. I quickly hid the bone.”)

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is not employed at all. (“Maybe it was a Tyrranosuarus rex. I thought if I should keep it or give it to a scientis. Then I decided to keep it. Then I took it out from the ground. Then I hid it so no one will take it.”)

Organization

The story attempts to grab readers’ attention in the beginning by revealing an exciting discovery, but lacks sufficient details to keep the readers interested. (“ Today while I was digging in the dirt I discovered a bone. It looked like a dinosaur bone. Maybe it was a Tyrranosuarus rex. I thought if I should keep it or give it to a scientis. Then I decided to keep it.”)

Transitions are not used to connect events in the story. (“ Today while I was digging in the dirt I discovered a bone. It looked like a dinosaur bone. Maybe it was a Tyrranosuarus rex. I thought if I should keep it or give it to a scientis. Then I decided to keep it.”) By including transitions, the writer can create an effective flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence.

The story minimally demonstrates an ending. (“ Then when I came back out I got the bone and started brushing all the dirt off. Then I noticed my mom coming. I quickly hid the bone.”) The essay fails to reveal insightful lessons the writer may have learned through the experiences in the story, and it does not attempt to leave readers with too much to think about once the story is over.

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is minimal in the essay. The writer demonstrates simple language and word choice with little awareness of audience. The essay also displays basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The writer relies on short, choppy sentences to express ideas in the essay. (“ Then I took it out from the ground. Then I hid it so no one will take it. Then I went in the house to get something to eat.”)

The writer lacks a command of voice and style, as reflected in the repetitive nature of sentences used in the essay. (“ Then I took it out from the ground. Then I hid it so no one will take it. Then I went in the house to get something to eat. Then when I came back out I got the bone and started brushing all the dirt off. Then I noticed my mom coming. I quickly hid the bone.”)

The language is simple and repetitive. Word choice and sentence structure do not effectively communicate the writer’s story to the intended audience. (“ Today while I was digging in the dirt I discovered a bone. It looked like a dinosaur bone. Maybe it was a Tyrranosuarus rex. I thought if I should keep it or give it to a scientis. Then I decided to keep it.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is minimal in the essay. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized task response. (“Maybe it was a Tyrranosuarus rex. I thought if I should keep it or give it to a scientis. Then I decided to keep it.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

If I where to make a new invention it would be a invention that we could also help us in the future. I would call it a robotron i can see it now the robotron helping people with all there problems nlike a cat stuck up in a tree. And I could be a mojor telavishion star and I would be fomous and everybody would want to be fomous.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the essay are inadequate. The writer demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story. The essay does not satisfy the main components of the task.

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is stated, but the writer does not focus details to elaborate on the main theme of the story. (“ If I where to make a new invention it would be a invention that we could also help us in the future. I would call it a robotron i can see it now the robotron helping people with all there problems nlike a cat stuck up in a tree.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of intended audience. (“And I could be a mojor telavishion star and I would be fomous and everybody would want to be fomous.”)

The writer does not provide details that satisfy the purpose of the task. (“I would call it a robotron i can see it now the robotron helping people with all there problems nlike a cat stuck up in a tree.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer does not provide an identifiable plot and setting, and no characters are introduced. The lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow; in other words, not much happens.

The setting is not developed and providing details about the characters’ surroundings helps readers imagine the scene in his/her mind. (“ I would call it a robotron i can see it now the robotron helping people with all there problems nlike a cat stuck up in a tree.”)

Aside from the narrator, the writer does not introduce characters into the story. (“If I where to make a new invention it would be a invention that we could also help us in the future.”)

With the absence of characters in the narrative, no dialogue is available to reveal what any characters may have thought or said aloud during the story. (“And I could be a mojor telavishion star and I would be fomous and everybody would want to be fomous”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning because it does not clearly focus on telling a story that would reveal, in great detail, the events leading to the new invention or discovery. (“ If I where to make a new invention it would be a invention that we could also help us in the future.”)

Events are not clearly in order. There are significant gaps in time sequence that hinder the flow of events in the story. (“ I would call it a robotron i can see it now the robotron helping people with all there problems nlike a cat stuck up in a tree.”)

The story includes no identifiable ending that summarizes the theme of the prompt task. (“ And I could be a mojor telavishion star and I would be fomous and everybody would want to be fomous.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is inadequate in the essay. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice with no a wareness of audience and noticeable errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are incorrect word choices employed within the context of some sentences. (“ If I where to make a new invention it would be a invention that we could also help us in the future.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ And I could be a mojor telavishion star and I would be fomous and everybody would want to be fomous.”)

There is no style reflected on the part of the writer in terms of word choices, organization, or sentence structure in the essay. (“If I where to make a new invention it would be a invention that we could also help us in the future. I would call it a robotron i can see it now the robotron helping people with all there problems nlike a cat stuck up in a tree.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is inadequate in the essay. There are noticeable e rrors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized response. The essay is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“I would call it a robotron i can see it now the robotron helping people with all there problems nlike a cat stuck up in a tree. And I could be a mojor telavishion star and I would be fomous and everybody would want to be fomous.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

A Special Day

Is there a day or an event in your life that was so special that you wish you could live it over again? What day would you like to relive? What happened that made it so special? Write a story about this special event or special day.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

My special day was when I Made a movie called The Rejects . The reason why I liked it so much was because everybody saw it and laughed and liked it so much. I felt proud that I made the movie that it made everyone laugh. I also was proud because it was a comedy movie and it was supposed to make people laugh. When they all laughed I thought to my self “good job Catherine.” This is how it started.

The kids in my neighborhood, my brother, and I decided to make a movie so we did. We were wondering how to make it funny and everything like that so then I thought why don't we make a movie and it can be about rejects and have them do weird stuff. So we all agreed on my idea. That night my brother and I were making a script; I did most of the work since it was my movie idea and my video camera. We made a really funny movie, obviously cause I mostly did all the work and we thought our friends are going to love it and sure they did.

So then next what happened was it was time to pick out clothes and do the nerds hair. It was the funniest thing - I got to do the hair and give my brother and my friends ideas on clothes. Danny, he wore these dress pants pulled up really high and then he put on a plaid shirt and tucked it in his pants and then wore skateboarding shoes. He also put underwear over his pants so he looked really funny. Steven, he had the same thing on as Danny except he didn't have underwear over his pants. Then he wore this visor I have and it is girlish so it looked funny. My brother looked like them except he didn't have the underwear or the visor on - he had a piece of hair on his head that was sticking up. Chris and Colin had on regular clothes because they were popular kids. I had my regular clothes on too because I was a popular kid. Everyone had their own names except me; I changed my name in the movie to Stacy. I picked that name because I had always liked that name.

The movie was about nerds that were trying to get in the popular group because they lost a member so they were doing tryouts to get in. This one nerd his name was Justin and he was on an all star basketball team for preschoolers but he obulisly didn't get in. Then there was another guy named Steven and he took a bike and said look at what I can do and he started to ride the bike and fell off on purpose. When he stood up he put his hands over his head and said “YEAH!” and all of the nerds started to do that to. Then three more nerds tried out and none got in. Then a popular girl came her name was Stacy {me} and I was the one who made it.

The nerds have a group in a treehouse so us popular kids went up there and started making fun of them so they ran down and started to chase them all around the yard and tackled Chris {one of the popular kids} and it was really funny it cracked me up. Then there was a talent show where kids went and showed off their talent and if they won then they would get to put on a movie for the whole school so the nerds all tried out. Then they sang a song about a rainy day and then the popular kids started to throw water at them and then one of the nerds {he had underwear over his pants his name in the movie was Danny} he was like don't do that and he was like it isn't funny – “STOP NOW!!” So the popular kids said ok chill so he did and the popular kids walked away. Then we went to our popular kids only hangout and saw the nerds outside and we started to make fun of them. So they did this thing and they were like losers and they shaped their fingers like an L and then the popular kids fell down and they made a noise like “ahhh!” It would be funnier if you saw it.

So then everybody gathered up and then watched the movie and everyone loved it and laughed and so did I. So that was my special day and I will never forget it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author tells an interesting story in this narrative about his/her experience making a movie (“My special day was when I Made a movie called The Rejects . The reason why I liked it so much was because everybody saw it and laughed and liked it so much. I felt proud that I made the movie that it made everyone laugh”). Staying focused on this controlling idea, the author relates this story in detail to the intended audience. This essay clearly completes all parts of the assigned task.

Content & Development

In this narrative, the author provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting. Interestingly, the story that the author tells is about the author creating and filming a story with her friends ! In great detail, the author allows the movie to unfold for the reader through the actions of the characters. One drawback of this essay is the clumsy manner in which the author manages the characters’ dialogue – this aspect of the essay could be expanded and more effectively developed (“ When he stood up he put his hands over his head and said “YEAH!” and all of the nerds started to do that to ”).

Organization

This story is effectively organized. The opening and closing of the story are not extensive, but they do focus the reader on the author’s controlling idea. The body of the story is logically organized into paragraphs that focus on key events and fl ows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development.

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is appropriate to this writing task. While not overly descriptive, the author uses words and sentences effectively in conveying meaning to the intended audience. Still, the author’s biggest challenge is to revise a number of awkward sentences – while these sentences don’t generally detract from the communication of the author’s message, they could nonetheless be improved (“ The movie was about nerds that were trying to get in the popular group because they lost a member so they were doing tryouts to get in. This one nerd his name was Justin and he was on an all star basketball team for preschoolers but he obulisly didn't get in ”).

Mechanics & Conventions

With a few exceptions, the author controls the conventions and mechanics of writing. A few, mostly minor, errors in grammar, mechanics (“ So they did this thing and they were like losers and they shaped their fingers like an L and then the popular kids fell down and they made a noise like “ahhh!” ”), punctuation (“ So the popular kids said ok chill so he did ”), and spelling (“ obulisly ”) remain uncorrected in this essay.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Hello I am Nicole. I'm going to tell you about a very special day I had. Read on for more details. I always think about this day when I am having a bad time.

The main characters are my cousins, my sister and, I. This story takes place in Geneve , Switzerland . One day I was visiting my cousins. We were talking about what we were going to do. My sister decided to say how about we go hiking down to Lake Geneve . We all got on our boots because it had rained the night before. Then, my cousin Sandra said "Let's bring our bathing suits so we can get in the lake."

So my cousins, my sister, and I all just threw are bathing suits on. We walked down the steps of Aunt Katie's apartment complex. My cousins and I had walked at least thirteen blocks down St. Jean Av. Then we got to my favorite park - The Dean. I sat on an extremely large bench. My cousins all got up to get some ice cream, so I came along. I took some Vanilla Bean ice cream; we all took the same kind. The ice cream was so delicious. My cousins and I left the park and kept on hiking. After that, I got to a tree the size of a Red Wood. Then, there was Lake Geneve . It was the most gorgeous lake and in the middle their was a water fountain. I stared in disbelief. I took my clothes off so my bathing suit was showing then I jumped into the lake. When the water splashed on to me it felt so refreshing after hiking in the hot blazing sun all afternoon. I felt so great. My cousins came one after another into the lake. After being in the water for a while we all got out and sat on the side of the lake. My cousins and I all dunked are feet in the lake.

This is the story of one of the days I spent in Switzerland . I have remembered this day for a very long time. It was one of the best days of my life. I think will go back to Geneve this summer and do this all over again. Thank you for listening to my story.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This story is about the author’s trip to Switzerland and one of his/her experiences there. The author quickly e stablishes and remains focused on a clear controlling idea (“ This story takes place in Geneve , Switzerland . One day I was visiting my cousins. We were talking about what we were going to do. My sister decided to say how about we go hiking down to Lake Geneve . We all got on our boots because it had rained the night before. Then, my cousin Sandra said ‘Let's bring our bathing suits so we can get in the lake’ ”) which is appropriately directed at the intended audience. This essay completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

The plot of this story is simple, yet well developed and interesting. The author expends some energy describing the trip to the lake and the swim that follows (“ When the water splashed on to me it felt so refreshing after hiking in the hot blazing sun all afternoon. I felt so great. My cousins came one after another into the lake ”). More could be said about the characters, their relationships, and the conversations they had on their way to the lake – surely, there must be some interesting interactions between the author and her cousins in Switzerland !

Organization

This essay displays good organization. In the opening, the author drops a hint to the reader that suggests this story is going to be a powerful one (“ I always think about this day when I am having a bad time ”). This serves to keep the reader interested in reading the rest of the essay. Otherwise, the story flows logically from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. In the conclusion, the author provides the reader with a sense of completeness and lets on that this may be a trip s/he plans to try again.

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is appropriate to this writing task. Through the use of appropriate language and well-structured sentences, the author is able to create an interesting story for the intended audience (“ My cousins all got up to get some ice cream, so I came along. I took some Vanilla Bean ice cream; we all took the same kind. The ice cream was so delicious. My cousins and I left the park and kept on hiking ”).

Mechanics & Conventions

The author’s control of the conventions and mechanics of writing is strong. Few noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are present to interfere with the communication of the author’s message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

A couple of years ago, when I was nine years old, I went to Colorado with some of my bests friends and with my family. It was my first time that I could actually see or touch the snow, (by the way it is very cold) so my sister and I were very happy. She was so happy to see the snow that she did’t care if it was cold or hot and grabbed it with her hands with out any gloves! She screamed: "Mom! My hands are so cold, I can’t feel them." and she started to cry. My friends and I were laughing so loud that mom said to us: "Don’t be mean with her so stop laughing!"

When we arrived at the hotel my sister, my friends and I went to the garden and made a huge snowman, even though it was not the best, it was very cute. We also made a snow war but it finished very quickly because some snow went into one of my friend’s eye.

That afternoon our moms told us to get ready because they had prepared a surprise for us. When we were ready, they took us to a place where there was a big hill covered of snow, there where other kids that seemed to be having a great time. Few minutes later the kids that were having a great time were us.

During all day I had so much fun that I wish I could live it over again! This was a very special day!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This story adequately communicates the author’s controlling idea. The main theme (“A couple of years ago, when I was nine years old, I went to Colorado with some of my bests friends and with my family. It was my first time that I could actually see or touch the snow”) developed by the author suggests some very interesting possibilities, but, while the author remains focused on communicating this theme, s/he is not able to develop it fully enough to realize many of those possibilities. Still, the author clearly understands the purpose and audience of this writing task and completes the assignment.

Content & Development

The plot is reasonably developed, supported by some details and dialogue that help the reader understand the story (“ When we arrived at the hotel my sister, my friends and I went to the garden and made a huge snowman, even though it was not the best, it was very cute. We also made a snow war but it finished very quickly because some snow went into one of my friend’s eye ”). In the third paragraph, the author could say more about the activity that was so exciting to the kids – Were they skiing? Sledding? What was the exciting activity their moms had prepared for them?

Organization

This story is adequately organized. The story opens with the author quickly stating his/her main theme (“ A couple of years ago, when I was nine years old, I went to Colorado with some of my bests friends and with my family ”) and ends in much the same way (“ During all day I had so much fun that I wish I could live it over again! This was a very special day! ”). Though simple, these segments of the story are adequate. The body is short, but it flows smoothly from one event to another, with transitions that support the story’s sequential development (“ When we arrived at the hotel … That afternoon our moms told us ”).

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is appropriate for this task. Sentence structures are mostly correct, as is the word choice. A few minor errors remain, however (“ Few minutes later the kids that were having a great time were us ”).

Mechanics & Conventions

Only minor errors in grammar (“ I went to Colorado with some of my bests friends and with my family ”), mechanics, punctuation (“ snow went into one of my friend´s eye ”), and spelling can be observed in this response. Otherwise, the author’s control of the conventions and mechanics of writing is tight.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

When I went to Argentina the first time, it was the happiest time of my life. I Went with my father, mother, sister and my grandmother. During my trip to Argentina I visited my grandfather, and other members of the family, which I hadn't seen since a long time ago.

Once I was there, I went to restaurants and to museums too, to the zoo and to the supermarkets. Then I recored the Pink House were the president from Argentina works. Afterwords we were hungry, so we whent to a famous restaurant named Albamonte.

We were so, tired that we whent to the hotel, to rest because this has been a wonderful but exausted day.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author has developed a narrative that is sparsely developed, although it is properly focused on the issue raised by this writing assignment. The author’s controlling idea (“W hen I went to Argentina the first time, it was the happiest time of my life ”) conveys little information to the intended audience. Thus, the author only partially completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

The plot developed by this author is only partially developed, marked by a lack of sufficient detail to make this essay more than a summary of what actually happened to the author (“ Once I was there, I went to restaurants and to museums too, to the zoo and to the supermarkets. Then I recored the Pink House were the president from Argentina works. Afterwords we were hungry, so we whent to a famous restaurant named Albamonte ”). No characters are introduced to the reader, and the story lacks any meaningful dialogue or communication among the participants.

Organization

This story is organized logically. Beginning with a brief, unremarkable introductory statement (“During my trip to Argentina I visited my grandfather, and other members of the family, which I hadn't seen since a long time ago”), the author then proceeds to quickly move through the story and close it with a short, uninteresting conclusion (“We were so, tired that we whent to the hotel, to rest because this has been a wonderful but exausted day”) .

Language Use & Style

The author’s language style is appropriate to the task, but overly simple and lacking in descriptive power – simple words and phrases comprise the bulk of this story, and basic errors and ambiguities are prevalent (“ Then I recored the Pink House were the president from Argentina works ”).

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer of this essay shows limited control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Several noticeable errors in grammar (“ We were so, tired that we whent to the hotel, to rest because this has been a wonderful but exausted day ”), mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are in evidence and interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's mess a ge.

Model Essay

When I went to California that was my special day. And that was my best day of my life. And I ready like that day because it was fun because we got to see our famliy there to. And we got to see the animals there to because my mom said at night

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay barely communicates a meaningful narrative to the intended audience. The author s uggests a controlling idea (“ When I went to California that was my special day. And that was my best day of my life ”) but appears unable to weave this idea into a narrative for the intended audience. Thus, this essay largely fails to complete the assigned task.

Content & Development

The plot of this story is inadequately developed. The characters, events, and setting are all neglected in the few sentences supplied by the author (“ And I ready like that day because it was fun because we got to see our famliy there to ”). It is simply not possible for the reader to understand what the author did or why it was so special.

Organization

The organizational format of this essay does little to enhance the meaning of this essay. The first two sentences do serve as a sort of simple opening, although they repeat one another and fail to adequately grasp the reader’s attention. Little development follows in the body of the essay, which seemingly trails off without a conclusion being provided.

Language Use & Style

The author’s language style is mostly inappropriate for this writing task. Poor word choice and sentence structures lead to numerous basic errors in language use (“ And I ready like that day because it was fun because we got to see our famliy there to ”).

Mechanics & Conventions

The author’s grasp of the mechanics and conventions of writing is weak, at best. Persistent patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics (“ And we got to see the animals there to because my mom said at n i ght”), punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

My Special day is when I went to Disneland. I got to eat. I got to bay things. I went to tommys. I got a lt of stuff fro fun. I went with my prnts and my brother and my sister and we all had lots of fn. It was a lot fo fun.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author maintains inadequate focus and fails to communicate a meaningful narrative to the appropriate audience. No controlling idea is present, and the author fails to adequately complete the assigned task. There is an attempt to discuss a special day. Essays at this level have details that are inadequate or non existent. (“I went with my prnts and my brother and my sister and we all had lots of fn. It was a lot fo fun.”)

Content & Development

This response demonstrates virtually no content or development. The plot is inadequate and unidentifiable. (“ I got to eat. I got to bay things. I went to tommys.”) The length of the essay is just long enough to avoid being marked as nonscorable.

Organization

This response is too short to demonstrate any evidence of an organizational structure. This essay also lacks an introduction and conclusion and contains no effective transitional devices. There’s no introduction, conclusion or body paragraph to introduce or separate ideas. Essays at this level do not seem to indicate any understanding of organizing or structuring ideas.

Language Use & Style

In such a short response, it is difficult to assess the student’s language use and style. However, it is evident that this writer’s word choice and sentence structure are overly simplistic. (“ I got to eat. I got to bay things.”) Sentences are short and often meaningless in the context of what the rest of the essay is discussing. (“I went to tommys.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This writer demonstrates inadequate control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are visible in this exceedingly short response. The text is comprehendible enough to receive a score, but is inadequate in every other way. (“I went with my prnts and my brother and my sister and we all had lots of fn. It was a lot fo fun.”)

A Train That Can Go Anywhere! (AIMS Practice Prompt)

Imagine a train that could take you anywhere on Earth! You have a ticket in your hand for a trip that can make stops at any three places. Write a story about what happens from the time you get on the train until it returns to your hometown.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

As I looked out my window, snow was falling gracefully in the wonderful winter lands of Virginia . I was on the Boardway train, and I was sitting by myself in pitch black darkness, having no idea of where I was going. "All aboard!" I heard the conductor yell as the train doors slammed like thunder against my ears.

"May I have your ticket?" the conductor requested kindly while walking by the rows.

"Here it is. Just one ticket for me."

"Aw, I see. So, where are you heading?"

"I don't know wherever this train is going to take me."

"Alright, just wait and see. You'll be surprised. We'll be departing the station at 10:30."

"Okay. Thank you," I politely replied to the conductor standing almost two feet taller than me.

My heart was purified with happiness, but yet, fear and wonder at the same time. I had no idea where I was going, but I didn't care. Choo-Choo. Chukka,chukka,chukka,chukka. The mysterious train was off, gaining speed by the second. The whole way, I listened to the chukka, chukka of the train's wheels against the rusty, old track, and it was as if I blinked and I was at the first stop. Choo-Choo, the train whistle screamed coming to an immediate halt. "First stop here!" was the last I heard.

"First stop, Germany , during World War II!" the conductor yelled. I slowly hopped off the train and I was in total amazement. I was in the middle of World War II. Guns fired everywhere just missing me in the line of fire, and my luggage was gone. Only frightening weapons and gear for war were weighing me down from the back. Boom, boom. Guns fired incessantly missing me all by no more than a foot. I could feel the wind from the bullets go by my ears like a train blowing by me only a few feet away, and just as I thought that, the Boardway train was back. "All aboard!" the conductor yelled just as it stopped. "Choo- Choo," the whistle blew, and the train was off.

"Second stop Orlando , Florida !" the conductor yelled as the train doors opened suddenly. I walked out, and I was in line for the best roller coaster at Disney World, in Orlando Florida . People were scrambling and screaming everywhere. "I've always wanted to come here," I thought silently. "All my friends have talked so much about it, and now I'm here. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, people screamed as the ride took off faster than a bolt of lightning. My stomach felt like it was frozen, and my heart, beating faster than ever; I felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. "Aaahhh!" Everyone was screaming louder than ever. It was the best roller coaster of my life, but sadly, I saw the Boardway train again, and it was time to go. "All aboard!" The conductor yelled, and I was on to my third and final stop.

Choo-Choo, the train was here. Third and final stop, the Beijing Olympics! I slowly stepped out of the train, and I was there. I was at the Bird's Nest at the Beijing Olympics, and I was in total awe. "I've seen it so much on TV, and I've always wanted to see it in person. Now here I am," I thought. It was true. "Whoa! Hooray!" the crowd screamed just as Sean Johnson, the gymnast, took the gold medal. I saw her. I saw Sean Johnson, and I was so excited. It felt like it wasn't real, but I knew it was. People bumped by my side trying to get through the enormous crowd. I was caught in the middle of the huge stampede of people, but I didn't care. I was at the Beijing Olympics. "What else could I ask for?" I thought. This was the best time of my life, but it eventually had to end. Sadly, I saw the Boardway train again, and I knew my moment of pure happiness and excitement was over. "All aboard," the conductor exclaimed. I was back on the rusty train, and I was exactly where I had started.

As I looked out my window, I was sitting in pitch black darkness. "Choo-Choo" the train whistle fired. I was back where I came from. It was my home sweet home of Virginia . Once again, I stepped out of the Boardway train, and I felt the cold, winter weather blowing through me. It felt to me like my trip to World War II, Disney World, and the Beijing Olympics was like a dream. "It couldn't have been," I stated aloud, looking back at the train. "The Boardway train," I read off the side in large letters. "All aboard! It'll take you to any three places you want," I silently finished reading off the train. I knew it wasn't a dream because it was real. I stepped back away from the Boardway train, and the wind of it gaining speed blew by me like the winds during fall blowing through the trees. It soon disappeared into the pitch black darkness, and the magical Boardway train was gone.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay response. Throughout the narrative, the writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer uses descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story. The writer reflectively showcases his/her adventures on a train that can go anywhere!

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. Throughout the story, the writer builds anticipation for where the train is going and what happens when the train arrives at the three destinations. Readers are drawn into these experiences and can feel as though they are on the train ride alongside the narrator. (“My heart was purified with happiness, but yet, fear and wonder at the same time. I had no idea where I was going, but I didn't care. Choo-Choo. Chukka,chukka,chukka,chukka. The mysterious train was off, gaining speed by the second. The whole way, I listened to the chukka, chukka of the train's wheels against the rusty, old track, and it was as if I blinked and I was at the first stop. Choo-Choo, the train whistle screamed coming to an immediate halt. ‘First stop here!’ was the last I heard.”)

All of the details in the story focus on the main event. Readers are pulled into the train ride scenarios, and relevant, effective details are provided to enhance the writer’s experience. The writer succeeds in describing the circumstances and the subsequent experiences in each of the three destinations. (“’First stop, Germany , during World War II!’ the conductor yelled. I slowly hopped off the train and I was in total amazement. I was in the middle of World War II. Guns fired everywhere just missing me in the line of fire, and my luggage was gone. Only frightening weapons and gear for war were weighing me down from the back. Boom, boom. Guns fired incessantly missing me all by no more than a foot. I could feel the wind from the bullets go by my ears like a train blowing by me only a few feet away, and just as I thought that, the Boardway train was back.”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. All of the writer’s supporting details very effectively communicate the writer’s experience. (“’Second stop Orlando , Florida !’ the conductor yelled as the train doors opened suddenly. I walked out, and I was in line for the best roller coaster at Disney World, in Orlando Florida . People were scrambling and screaming everywhere. ‘I've always wanted to come here,’ I thought silently. ‘All my friends have talked so much about it, and now I'm here.’)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with supporting characters that round out the narrative. The writer clearly establishes a build up to the revelation of the three destinations and the writer’s experiences in each location. In doing so, the writer heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story.

The characters included in the writer’s examples are relevant and believable. For example, the writer includes the conductor as a supporting character who guides the narrator and picks him/her up when it is time to go. (“’May I have your ticket?’ the conductor requested kindly while walking by the rows. ‘Here it is. Just one ticket for me.’ ‘Aw, I see. So, where are you heading?’ ‘I don't know wherever this train is going to take me.’ ‘Alright, just wait and see. You'll be surprised. We'll be departing the station at 10:30.’ ‘Okay. Thank you,’ I politely replied to the conductor standing almost two feet taller than me.”)

There is very effective information about what happened before the event. In the beginning of the story, we find the writer is already on the train admiring the view out the window, sharing with the readers that he/she has no idea where he/she is headed. (“As I looked out my window, snow was falling gracefully in the wonderful winter lands of Virginia . I was on the Boardway train, and I was sitting by myself in pitch black darkness, having no idea of where I was going. ‘All aboard!’ I heard the conductor yell as the train doors slammed like thunder against my ears.”)

There is very effective information about what happened during the event. The writer provides relevant details about the places the train takes him/her throughout the narrative. (“Choo-Choo, the train was here. Third and final stop, the Beijing Olympics! I slowly stepped out of the train, and I was there. I was at the Bird's Nest at the Beijing Olympics, and I was in total awe. ‘I've seen it so much on TV, and I've always wanted to see it in person. Now here I am,’ I thought. It was true. ‘Whoa! Hooray!’ the crowd screamed just as Sean Johnson, the gymnast, took the gold medal. I saw her.”)

Organization

The essay’s organization is very effective. The writer captures the readers’ attention by providing a clever opening to the story. The writing flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development, and the writer provides an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The story very effectively grabs readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer skillfully paints a picture of a character admiring the view out of the window of the train as he/she reveals that the destination for the train ride is unknown. (“As I looked out my window, snow was falling gracefully in the wonderful winter lands of Virginia . I was on the Boardway train, and I was sitting by myself in pitch black darkness, having no idea of where I was going. ‘All aboard!’ I heard the conductor yell as the train doors slammed like thunder against my ears.”)

Subtle transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“As I looked out my window, I was sitting in pitch black darkness. "Choo-Choo" the train whistle fired. I was back where I came from. It was my home sweet home of Virginia . Once again, I stepped out of the Boardway train, and I felt the cold, winter weather blowing through me. It felt to me like my trip to World War II, Disney World, and the Beijing Olympics was like a dream.”)

The story demonstrates a very effective ending, emphasizing the narrator’s notions that his/her experience was not a dream but a real adventure. (“It felt to me like my trip to World War II, Disney World, and the Beijing Olympics was like a dream. ‘It couldn't have been,’ I stated aloud, looking back at the train. ‘The Boardway train,’ I read off the side in large letters. ‘All aboard! It'll take you to any three places you want,’ I silently finished reading off the train. I knew it wasn't a dream because it was real. I stepped back away from the Boardway train, and the wind of it gaining speed blew by me like the winds during fall blowing through the trees. It soon disappeared into the pitch black darkness, and the magical Boardway train was gone.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes precise language choices to effectively illustrate his/her experiences riding on a train that could go anywhere. (“ ’First stop, Germany , during World War II!’ the conductor yelled. I slowly hopped off the train and I was in total amazement. I was in the middle of World War II. Guns fired everywhere just missing me in the line of fire, and my luggage was gone. Only frightening weapons and gear for war were weighing me down from the back. Boom, boom. Guns fired incessantly missing me all by no more than a foot. I could feel the wind from the bullets go by my ears like a train blowing by me only a few feet away, and just as I thought that, the Boardway train was back.”)

The writer’s coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the story. (“ As I looked out my window, I was sitting in pitch black darkness. ‘Choo-Choo’ the train whistle fired. I was back where I came from. It was my home sweet home of Virginia . Once again, I stepped out of the Boardway train, and I felt the cold, winter weather blowing through me. It felt to me like my trip to World War II, Disney World, and the Beijing Olympics was like a dream. ‘It couldn't have been,’ I stated aloud, looking back at the train.”)

There is strong voice from the writer throughout the story. Readers can feel the writer’s excitement as he/she experiences the horrors of war, the joys of Disney, and the competition of the Beijing Olympics. (“ ’I've always wanted to come here,’ I thought silently. ‘All my friends have talked so much about it, and now I'm here. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, people screamed as the ride took off faster than a bolt of lightning. My stomach felt like it was frozen, and my heart, beating faster than ever; I felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. ‘Aaahhh!’ Everyone was screaming louder than ever. It was the best roller coaster of my life, but sadly, I saw the Boardway train again, and it was time to go.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ I was caught in the middle of the huge stampede of people, but I didn't care. I was at the Beijing Olympics. ‘What else could I ask for?’ I thought. This was the best time of my life, but it eventually had to end. Sadly, I saw the Boardway train again, and I knew my moment of pure happiness and excitement was over. ‘All aboard,’ the conductor exclaimed. I was back on the rusty train, and I was exactly where I had started.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Sally Williams was an exceedingly normal girl with dark-brown hair, hazel eyes, and purple glasses to top it all off. She was running quickly home from school one sunny day when she heard a low rumbling. It grew louder and louder. Her legs felt wobbly. Suddenly, Sally spotted a not-so-normal thing: a yellow, beat-up train gliding smoothly (and strangely) on top of the asphalt. It was gliding straight towards her!

It stopped right next to her. A door creaked open, and a conductor quickly stepped out. He handed her three silver tickets that sparkled like diamonds in the sunlight like diamonds. "If you could go to any three places in the world, what would they be?" he asked in a deep, gravely voice.

"Well, can I go to the Gold Rush in Sutter's Creek?" she asked. His eyes twinkled.

"Sure," he replied.

They were off! When they arrived to their destination, the gold rush, she was kindly given a metal, rusty pan. She sprung swiftly over to a huge, crystal-clear river. She scooped up some sand into her pan and swirled it around. "A golden nugget!" she exclaimed. She walked back to the train and said, "Off to Bethlehem !"

After that, she hopped excitingly on board, clutching two silver tickets and a golden nugget. The scenery zipped by. In a few hours, she arrived at Bethlehem . One lone star twinkled and shone right above a stable. She walked over and peered inside, heart thumping like crazy. Thump-thump. Thump-thump. Inside, a woman and husband clutched a tiny baby. He stared up at them lovingly. She smiled and walked back over to the train, stooping to pick up a piece of hay that had been blown out of the stable. She tucked it into her pocket with the one silver ticket and golden nugget.

"Where to next?" he asked with that twinkle in his eye. She thought for a moment before answering, " South Korea ."

The train seemed to glide right through time. At that point, she stepped out and looked around, when she spotted her Aunt Mary and Uncle John! They were holding a baby boy with black hair and shining eyes. "They must be adopting my cousin, Jimmy!" she whispered. She smiled and ran rapidly back to the amazing train for the last time, stopping to pick a beautiful, pink flower from a patch of grass. The train dropped her off at her house, and the conductor tipped his hat at her. She walked off and turned around to thank him, but the train was gone!

Sally walked inside of her house. Jimmy ran towards her. "Where were you, Sally?" he asked.

What could she say? She could say, "Oh, I traveled back in time and saw the Gold Rush, Jesus' birth, and your adoption!" Instead, she smiled and answered, "Oh, I just went on a quick trip."

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are well stated. The writer focuses the narrative completely on the mysterious train that can go anywhere. (“Suddenly, Sally spotted a not-so-normal thing: a yellow, beat-up train gliding smoothly (and strangely) on top of the asphalt. It was gliding straight towards her! It stopped right next to her. A door creaked open, and a conductor quickly stepped out. He handed her three silver tickets that sparkled like diamonds in the sunlight like diamonds. ‘If you could go to any three places in the world, what would they be?’ he asked in a deep, gravely voice.”)

The parts of the story relate to the main event. (“They were off! When they arrived to their destination, the gold rush, she was kindly given a metal, rusty pan. She sprung swiftly over to a huge, crystal-clear river. She scooped up some sand into her pan and swirled it around. ‘A golden nugget!’ she exclaimed. She walked back to the train and said, ‘Off to Bethlehem !’”)

The details in the story focus on the main event. The writer provides three creative destinations that keep the readers interested in the main character’s journey. (“The scenery zipped by. In a few hours, she arrived at Bethlehem . One lone star twinkled and shone right above a stable. She walked over and peered inside, heart thumping like crazy. Thump-thump. Thump-thump. Inside, a woman and husband clutched a tiny baby. He stared up at them lovingly. She smiled and walked back over to the train, stooping to pick up a piece of hay that had been blown out of the stable. She tucked it into her pocket with the one silver ticket and golden nugget.”)

Content & Development

Details are used to develop the main events of the story effectively. The writer consistently reveals the experiences of the main character as she journeys to each of her selected destinations. (“’Where to next?’ he asked with that twinkle in his eye. She thought for a moment before answering, ‘ South Korea .’ The train seemed to glide right through time. At that point, she stepped out and looked around, when she spotted her Aunt Mary and Uncle John! They were holding a baby boy with black hair and shining eyes. ‘They must be adopting my cousin, Jimmy!’ she whispered. She smiled and ran rapidly back to the amazing train for the last time, stopping to pick a beautiful, pink flower from a patch of grass.”)

The setting is effectively developed with details. (“ The scenery zipped by. In a few hours, she arrived at Bethlehem . One lone star twinkled and shone right above a stable. She walked over and peered inside, heart thumping like crazy. Thump-thump. Thump-thump. Inside, a woman and husband clutched a tiny baby. He stared up at them lovingly. She smiled and walked back over to the train, stooping to pick up a piece of hay that had been blown out of the stable.”)

The plot is effectively developed. (“She was running quickly home from school one sunny day when she heard a low rumbling. It grew louder and louder. Her legs felt wobbly. Suddenly, Sally spotted a not-so-normal thing: a yellow, beat-up train gliding smoothly (and strangely) on top of the asphalt. It was gliding straight towards her! It stopped right next to her. A door creaked open, and a conductor quickly stepped out. He handed her three silver tickets that sparkled like diamonds in the sunlight like diamonds. ‘If you could go to any three places in the world, what would they be?’ he asked in a deep, gravely voice.”)

Organization

The story effectively grabs readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ Sally Williams was an exceedingly normal girl with dark-brown hair, hazel eyes, and purple glasses to top it all off. She was running quickly home from school one sunny day when she heard a low rumbling. It grew louder and louder. Her legs felt wobbly. Suddenly, Sally spotted a not-so-normal thing: a yellow, beat-up train gliding smoothly (and strangely) on top of the asphalt. It was gliding straight towards her! It stopped right next to her. A door creaked open, and a conductor quickly stepped out. He handed her three silver tickets that sparkled like diamonds in the sunlight like diamonds. ‘If you could go to any three places in the world, what would they be?’ he asked in a deep, gravely voice.”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. The writer should attempt to incorporate more effective transitions to promote the flow of the story. (“ After that, she hopped excitingly on board, clutching two silver tickets and a golden nugget. The scenery zipped by. In a few hours, she arrived at Bethlehem .”)

The story includes an effective ending. (“ The train dropped her off at her house, and the conductor tipped his hat at her. She walked off and turned around to thank him, but the train was gone! Sally walked inside of her house. Jimmy ran towards her. ‘Where were you, Sally?’ he asked. What could she say? She could say, ‘Oh, I traveled back in time and saw the Gold Rush, Jesus' birth, and your adoption!’ Instead, she smiled and answered, ‘Oh, I just went on a quick trip.’”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent. (“ After that, she hopped excitingly on board, clutching two silver tickets and a golden nugget. The scenery zipped by. In a few hours, she arrived at Bethlehem . One lone star twinkled and shone right above a stable. She walked over and peered inside, heart thumping like crazy. Thump-thump. Thump-thump. Inside, a woman and husband clutched a tiny baby. He stared up at them lovingly. She smiled and walked back over to the train, stooping to pick up a piece of hay that had been blown out of the stable. She tucked it into her pocket with the one silver ticket and golden nugget.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the story. (“ ’Well, can I go to the Gold Rush in Sutter's Creek?’ she asked. His eyes twinkled. ‘Sure,’ he replied. They were off! When they arrived to their destination, the gold rush, she was kindly given a metal, rusty pan. She sprung swiftly over to a huge, crystal-clear river. She scooped up some sand into her pan and swirled it around. ‘A golden nugget!’ she exclaimed.”)

The writer employs good word choices to convey the many adventures experienced on the train that could go anywhere. (“ ’Where to next?’ he asked with that twinkle in his eye. She thought for a moment before answering, ‘ South Korea .’ The train seemed to glide right through time. At that point, she stepped out and looked around, when she spotted her Aunt Mary and Uncle John! They were holding a baby boy with black hair and shining eyes. ‘They must be adopting my cousin, Jimmy!’ she whispered. She smiled and ran rapidly back to the amazing train for the last time, stopping to pick a beautiful, pink flower from a patch of grass. The train dropped her off at her house, and the conductor tipped his hat at her.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“ Sally Williams was an exceedingly normal girl with dark-brown hair, hazel eyes, and purple glasses to top it all off. She was running quickly home from school one sunny day when she heard a low rumbling. It grew louder and louder. Her legs felt wobbly. Suddenly, Sally spotted a not-so-normal thing: a yellow, beat-up train gliding smoothly (and strangely) on top of the asphalt. It was gliding straight towards her! It stopped right next to her.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

"I'm bored out of my mind!" TJ thought to himself, as he sat daydreaming of watching the Dallas Cowboys play football in Texas . "I've got it!" yelled Austin as he rushed into my room, nearly out of breath. "What do you have?" TJ asked. "I just got... two tickets to the Cowboy's game in Texas !" "Who are they playing?" TJ exclaimed. "The Patriots", Austin said in a thrilled tone of voice. "Cool, who's going with you?" TJ dared to ask. "Do you wanna go?" Austin responded. "Yeah!" TJ yelled in a deafening voice. Their excitement quickly escaped them, as they realized they had no transportation to the game.

Whooo, whooo! Both boys heard the clickety clank of the train in the distance. They both wondered what the noice was that they heard. "Uh, TJ, is that a train?" Austin asked TJ in a frightened voice. "I don't know", TJ stated as his hyperactive mind started exploding with ideas. "Let's take the train to Texas ", they exclaimed in unison. "Welcome, TJ and Austin, this is the Texas Express", beamed the conductor. TJ and Austin sat on the train playing cards, until the man walked up to them and screamed, "Everybody off"! The man was two feet away from us, yet he was still yelling very swiftly. "We'd like to go to Texas Stadium, sir." Home of the Cowboys, eh? "Yup", TJ exclaimed. "All Aboard!" The man screamed. Now he was hawking spit.

Chug, chug, chug, chug, the smoky train barreled down the tracks. Our 1st stop would be Texas Stadium, our 2nd stop, Longhorn Stadium, and our 3rd stop, the Oklahoma Sooner's Stadium. "Here we are at Texas Stadium!" "Touchdown, Cowboys!" “Yeah, Cowboys!" TJ screeched loudly. Now the Cowboys had their 4th touchdown of the night. After one more quarter. "Cowboys win!"

"Now for Longhorn Stadium", yelled the conductor deafeningly. A tour was given, but not much was seen. The Sooners also won. The score of both the Cowboys and the Sooners was 71-63. But when we got home, it was nearly dinnertime.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer states the main event of the story adequately. (“TJ dared to ask.’Do you wanna go?’ Austin responded. ‘Yeah!’ TJ yelled in a deafening voice. Their excitement quickly escaped them, as they realized they had no transportation to the game. Whooo, whooo!!! Both boys heard the clickety clank of the train in the distance. They both wondered what the noice was that they heard. ‘Uh, TJ, is that a train?’ Austin asked TJ in a frightened voice. ‘I don't know’, TJ stated as his hyperactive mind started exploding with ideas. ‘Let's take the train to Texas ", they exclaimed in unison.’)

The writer focuses on the main event of the boys riding on the train to the football game throughout the essay. (“’Welcome, TJ and Austin, this is the Texas Express’, beamed the conductor. TJ and Austin sat on the train playing cards, until the man walked up to them and screamed, ‘Everybody off’! The man was two feet away from us, yet he was still yelling very swiftly. ‘We'd like to go to Texas Stadium, sir.’ Home of the Cowboys, eh? ‘Yup’, TJ exclaimed. ‘All Aboard!’ The man screamed. Now he was hawking spit.”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“Chug, chug, chug, chug, the smoky train barreled down the tracks. Our 1st stop would be Texas Stadium, our 2nd stop, Longhorn Stadium, and our 3rd stop, the Oklahoma Sooner's Stadium. ‘Here we are at Texas Stadium!’ ‘Touchdown, Cowboys!’ ‘Yeah, Cowboys!’ TJ screeched loudly. Now the Cowboys had their 4th touchdown of the night. After one more quarter. ‘Cowboys win!’”)

Details in the story focus on the main event. (“Whooo, whooo!!! Both boys heard the clickety clank of the train in the distance. They both wondered what the noice was that they heard. ‘Uh, TJ, is that a train?’ Austin asked TJ in a frightened voice. ‘I don't know’, TJ stated as his hyperactive mind started exploding with ideas. ‘Let's take the train to Texas ’, they exclaimed in unison. ‘Welcome, TJ and Austin , this is the Texas Express’, beamed the conductor.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate in the response. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting with relevant and believable characters. The characters’ tones of excitement about the prospect of seeing the Dallas Cowboys football team play holds readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story.

The writer shares characters’ thoughts through the use of dialogue, but use of dialogue in the narrative is adequate. (“’I'm bored out of my mind!’, TJ thought to himself, as he sat daydreaming of watching the Dallas Cowboys play football in Texas . ‘I've got it!’ yelled Austin as he rushed into my room, nearly out of breath. ‘What do you have?’ TJ asked. ‘I just got... two tickets to the Cowboy's game in Texas !’ ‘Who are they playing?’ TJ exclaimed. ‘The Patriots’, Austin said in a thrilled tone of voice. ‘Cool, who's going with you?’ TJ dared to ask.”)

The writer provides adequate details that all relate to the main event. However, the writer should provide more relevant details to describe the characters’ experiences on the train that can go anywhere. The writer only briefly describes the events at the three locations. The writer misses the opportunity to elaborate on the specific experiences at each destination. (“’Here we are at Texas Stadium!’ ‘Touchdown, Cowboys!’ ‘Yeah, Cowboys!’ TJ screeched loudly. Now the Cowboys had their 4th touchdown of the night. After one more quarter. ‘Cowboys win!’ ‘Now for Longhorn Stadium’, yelled the conductor deafeningly. A tour was given, but not much was seen. The Sooners also won. The score of both the Cowboys and the Sooners was 71-63.”)

The writer briefly provides a conflict in the story when the boys realize they do not have a way to get to the Dallas Cowboys’ football game. (“’I just got... two tickets to the Cowboy's game in Texas !’ ‘Who are they playing?’ TJ exclaimed. ‘The Patriots’, Austin said in a thrilled tone of voice. ‘Cool, who's going with you?’ TJ dared to ask. ‘Do you wanna go?’ Austin responded. ‘Yeah!’ TJ yelled in a deafening voice. Their excitement quickly escaped them, as they realized they had no transportation to the game.”)

Organization

The beginning demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab readers’ attention by detailing the excitement of the characters as they relieve their boredom with a train trip to go see a Dallas Cowboys football game. (“ ’I'm bored out of my mind!’ TJ thought to himself, as he sat daydreaming of watching the Dallas Cowboys play football in Texas . ‘I've got it!’ yelled Austin as he rushed into my room, nearly out of breath. ‘What do you have?’ TJ asked. ‘I just got... two tickets to the Cowboy's game in Texas !’ ‘Who are they playing?’ TJ exclaimed. ‘The Patriots’, Austin said in a thrilled tone of voice. ‘Cool, who's going with you?’ TJ dared to ask. ‘Do you wanna go?’ Austin responded. ‘Yeah! TJ yelled in a deafening voice.”)

The writer did not incorporate many transitions into the narrative. The writer needs to use effective transitions to connect events in the story. By incorporating transitions throughout the narrative, the writer can assist the readers by carrying the story’s events to their ultimate conclusion. (“’Now for Longhorn Stadium’, yelled the conductor deafeningly. A tour was given, but not much was seen. The Sooners also won. The score of both the Cowboys and the Sooners was 71-63. But when we got home, it was nearly dinnertime.”)

The story comes to a very abrupt end and lacks a summary or lesson learned that would give the intended audience a sense of closure. (“ A tour was given, but not much was seen. The Sooners also won. The score of both the Cowboys and the Sooners was 71-63. But when we got home, it was nearly dinnertime.”)

Language Use & Style

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ ’I don't know’, TJ stated as his hyperactive mind started exploding with ideas. ‘Let's take the train to Texas ’, they exclaimed in unison. ‘Welcome, TJ and Austin , this is the Texas Express’, beamed the conductor. TJ and Austin sat on the train playing cards, until the man walked up to them and screamed, ‘Everybody off’! The man was two feet away from us, yet he was still yelling very swiftly.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the essay. The writer provides language that adequately describes the boys’ trip to the different football stadiums. (“ Chug, chug, chug, chug, the smoky train barreled down the tracks. Our 1st stop would be Texas Stadium, our 2nd stop, Longhorn Stadium, and our 3rd stop, the Oklahoma Sooner's Stadium. ‘Here we are at Texas Stadium!’ ‘Touchdown, Cowboys!’ ‘Yeah, Cowboys!’ TJ screeched loudly. Now the Cowboys had their 4th touchdown of the night. After one more quarter. ‘Cowboys win!’”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the story. (“ Whooo, whooo! Both boys heard the clickety clank of the train in the distance. They both wondered what the noice was that they heard. ‘Uh, TJ, is that a train?’ Austin asked TJ in a frightened voice. ‘I don't know’, TJ stated as his hyperactive mind started exploding with ideas. ‘Let's take the train to Texas ’, they exclaimed in unison. ‘Welcome, TJ and Austin , this is the Texas Express’, beamed the conductor. TJ and Austin sat on the train playing cards, until the man walked up to them and screamed, ‘Everybody off’!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure sentences have subject-verb agreement, end with appropriate punctuation marks, and begin with capital letters. Word selections should also be spelled and used correctly and paragraphs should be indicated with line breaks. (“ ’Cool, who's going with you?’ TJ dared to ask. ‘Do you wanna go?’ Austin responded. ‘Yeah!’ TJ yelled in a deafening voice. Their excitement quickly escaped them, as they realized they had no transportation to the game. Whooo, whooo! Both boys heard the clickety clank of the train in the distance.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

On one boring old rainy I was playing with my cat, Angel when all of the sudden ,''BUMP''. I shouted Mom what was that big bump. She replied what big bump. You didn't hear it mom, how could you not hear it. So I decided to go investigate.

First, I lurking up the stairs I thought,why am I going up here, this noise came from the garage. I was in the garage when I this sort of jelloy portal appears I am curious so I poke it with my finger. My cat is curious too so she walks right in I ran to close the garage door so my family doesn't hear and then I scrambled into the portal to get Angel. Then I run into the conductor and fell to the floor.

He asks me ''whatcha doing down there''. I didn't respond. He gives Angel back, gives me a silver ticket ,snaps and disappears.I through Angel back into the garage carefully, next I started to read the ticket,it read ''who ever is to find this magic ticket say your name, and snap.'' I said to myself ''AWESOME.'' so said '' Madison '', and snapped. I appeared in an all-out awesome train.This time the conductor asked me where would you like to go miss. I said, '' Italy , for sure'',then off we go.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer states the main event of the story in a very limited way. (“My cat is curious too so she walks right in I ran to close the garage door so my family doesn't hear and then I scrambled into the portal to get Angel. Then I run into the conductor and fell to the floor. He asks me ‘whatcha doing down there’. I didn't respond. He gives Angel back, gives me a silver ticket ,snaps and disappears.”)

The writer’s focus is limited in the essay response. The writer focuses limited details on the discovery of the ticket and does not reveal any details about the actual ride or destinations. (“I appeared in an all-out awesome train.This time the conductor asked me where would you like to go miss. I said, ‘ Italy , for sure’,then off we go.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the essay response. The writer devotes most of the narrative to the discovery of the ticket but does not develop the story to the point where the readers experience the ride and destinations alongside the main character. In providing more relevant details, readers will be able to fully appreciate the story unfolding in the writer’s mind. (“He asks me ‘whatcha doing down there’. I didn't respond. He gives Angel back, gives me a silver ticket ,snaps and disappears.I through Angel back into the garage carefully, next I started to read the ticket,it read ‘who ever is to find this magic ticket say your name, and snap.’ I said to myself ‘AWESOME.’ so said ‘ Madison ’, and snapped. I appeared in an all-out awesome train.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The essay reveals a very limited plot, setting, and characters, and lacks sufficient details to make this more than a summary of a character receiving a train ticket from a mysterious conductor who enters the home through a portal. The writer discusses a train ticket, but does not include a problem in the story. The writer implements only a limited use of dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Although the writer provides brief information to state the purpose of the narrative, limited details are used to develop the main events of the story. (“First, I lurking up the stairs I thought,why am I going up here, this noise came from the garage. I was in the garage when I this sort of jelloy portal appears I am curious so I poke it with my finger. My cat is curious too so she walks right in I ran to close the garage door so my family doesn't hear and then I scrambled into the portal to get Angel. Then I run into the conductor and fell to the floor. ”)

The details about characters in the story are limited. The writer introduces a mom, conductor, and cat into the narrative, but does not describe them in any way. (“On one boring old rainy I was playing with my cat, Angel when all of the sudden ,’BUMP’. I shouted Mom what was that big bump. She replied what big bump. You didn't hear it mom, how could you not hear it. So I decided to go investigate.”)

The writer does not implement sufficient use of dialogue in the narrative. By including dialogue, the writer can share the thoughts of characters in the story. (“I said to myself ‘AWESOME.’ so said ‘ Madison ’, and snapped. I appeared in an all-out awesome train.This time the conductor asked me where would you like to go miss. I said, ‘ I taly , for sure’,then off we go.”)

Organization

There is limited organization of main ideas and supporting details in the essay response. The writer provides an opening that may hold readers’ attention. The flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Subtle transitions are evident, but may be weak. The writer does not provide readers with some sense of closure.

The beginning of the narrative attempts to grab readers’ attention in a way that would entice them to continue reading. The writer creates an initial mystery with a mysterious “bumping” sound coming from the garage. (“ On one boring old rainy I was playing with my cat, Angel when all of the sudden ,’BUMP’. I shouted Mom what was that big bump. She replied what big bump. You didn't hear it mom, how could you not hear it. So I decided to go investigate.”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story and lead readers through the essay. (“ First, I lurking up the stairs I thought,why am I going up here, this noise came from the garage. I was in the garage when I this sort of jelloy portal appears I am curious so I poke it with my finger.”)

The writer does not provide an ending that gives the readers a sense of closure. On the contrary, at the very end of the story, the writer reveals the train’s destination to be Italy and ends the story there. In essence, the narrative leaves the readers wondering what experiences may occur in Italy . (“ I said to myself ‘AWESOME.’ so said ‘ Madison ’, and snapped. I appeared in an all-out awesome train.This time the conductor asked me where would you like to go miss. I said, ‘ Italy , for sure’,then off we go.”)

Language Use & Style

The lengths of some of the sentences are short. (“ I shouted Mom what was that big bump. She replied what big bump. You didn't hear it mom, how could you not hear it. So I decided to go investigate.”) The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the story more interesting to the intended audience.

Oftentimes, the writer uses the same words within sentences. The writer’s use of “I,” for example, is glaringly repetitive. (“ First, I lurking up the stairs I thought,why am I going up here, this noise came from the garage. I was in the garage when I this sort of jelloy portal appears I am curious so I poke it with my finger.”)

The sentences are too informal and word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“ He asks me ‘whatcha doing down there’. I didn't respond. He gives Angel back, gives me a silver ticket ,snaps and disappears.I through Angel back into the garage carefully, next I started to read the ticket,it read ‘who ever is to find this magic ticket say your name, and snap.’”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, begin each sentence with a capital letter, indicate new paragraphs with line breaks, check for correct spelling of words, and ensure proper usage of words within the context of sentences. (“First, I lurking up the stairs I thought,why am I going up here, this noise came from the garage. I was in the garage when I this sort of jelloy portal appears I am curious so I poke it with my finger.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

On the last day of summer my friend Coral and I was going to her house,than a big dog trian poped in frount of us dog came out and said want a ride we said,"sure."This trian was full of dogs!

Our first stop was at Siena Itlay so beatieful,it had so many people too they set up the buildings were amazing.You can here all the people talking like a roket was going to land! Then we wednt to Kanas City was a big place,its in the United Staes too.There are really big buildings too.The sky was as blue as the ocean.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay response. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The essay does not satisfy most of the elements of the prompt task.

The writer only minimally states the main event of the story. (“On the last day of summer my friend Coral and I was going to her house,than a big dog trian poped in frount of us dog came out and said want a ride we said,’sure.’ This trian was full of dogs!”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give readers a true sense of the adventure on the train. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“Our first stop was at Siena Itlay so beatieful,it had so many people too they set up the buildings were amazing.You can here all the people talking like a roket was going to land!”)

The writer’s details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“Our first stop was at Siena Itlay so beatieful,it had so many people too they set up the buildings were amazing.You can here all the people talking like a roket was going to land! Then we wednt to Kanas City was a big place,its in the United Staes too.There are really big buildings too.The sky was as blue as the ocean.”)

Content & Development

Only minimal details are used to develop the main events of the story. The plot is only minimally developed. The writer briefly addresses the experiences on the train, but these ideas are not developed in a way that enhances the writer’s message. (“Our first stop was at Siena Itlay so beatieful,it had so many people too they set up the buildings were amazing.You can here all the people talking like a roket was going to land! Then we wednt to Kanas City was a big place,its in the United Staes too.”)

The writer does not provide a narrative that includes a detailed setting or characters. There are no descriptions of the setting and the writer does not attempt to describe the characters in any way. (“On the last day of summer my friend Coral and I was going to her house,than a big dog trian poped in frount of us dog came out and said want a ride we said,"sure."This trian was full of dogs!”)

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is not sufficiently developed. (“On the last day of summer my friend Coral and I was going to her house,than a big dog trian poped in frount of us dog came out and said want a ride we said,"sure."This trian was full of dogs!”)

Organization

The story attempts to grab readers’ attention in the beginning; however, the plot is confusing since the writer does not explain how the train is being run by dogs. (“ On the last day of summer my friend Coral and I was going to her house,than a big dog trian poped in frount of us dog came out and said want a ride we said,’sure.’This trian was full of dogs!”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. (“ Our first stop was at Siena Itlay so beatieful,it had so many people too they set up the buildings were amazing.You can here all the people talking like a roket was going to land! Then we wednt to Kanas City was a big place,its in the United Staes too.”) By including more effective transitions, the writer can create an effective flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence.

The story minimally demonstrates an ending. (“ Then we wednt to Kanas City was a big place,its in the United Staes too.There are really big buildings too.The sky was as blue as the ocean.”) The essay fails to reveal insightful lessons the writer may have learned through the experiences in the story, and it does not attempt to leave readers with too much to think about once the story is over.

Language Use & Style

Exact words are missing and errors in syntax are evident. These errors impede readers’ ability to follow the writer’s narrative with understanding. (“ On the last day of summer my friend Coral and I was going to her house,than a big dog trian poped in frount of us dog came out and said want a ride we said,’sure.’”)

There are several run-on sentences in the essay response. The writer needs to phrase ideas in an effective way to clearly communicate events throughout the narrative. (“ Our first stop was at Siena Itlay so beatieful,it had so many people too they set up the buildings were amazing.You can here all the people talking like a roket was going to land! Then we wednt to Kanas City was a big place,its in the United Staes too.”)

The language is simple and repetitive. Word choices and sentence structure do not effectively communicate the writer’s story to the intended audience. (“ On the last day of summer my friend Coral and I was going to her house,than a big dog trian poped in frount of us dog came out and said want a ride we said,’sure.’This trian was full of dogs! Our first stop was at Siena Itlay so beatieful,it had so many people too they set up the buildings were amazing.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized task response. (“On the last day of summer my friend Coral and I was going to her house,than a big dog trian poped in frount of us dog came out and said want a ride we said,’sure.’ This trian was full of dogs! Our first stop was at Siena Itlay so beatieful,it had so many people too they set up the buildings were amazing.You can here all the people talking like a roket was going to land!”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Well It was time to go and I was getting on a train and I was going to south caralinea. I was just getting on the train and the conduckter called all abord in engilsh that means time to go or your stock hear. Well I got on the train and everything was going well Than the conduckter walled around and asked for tickets and Istarted to lock.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is stated, but the writer does not focus details to elaborate on the main theme of the story. (“ Well It was time to go and I was getting on a train and I was going to south caralinea.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of intended audience. (“Well I got on the train and everything was going well.”)

The writer does not provide details that satisfy the purpose of the task. (“Well I got on the train and everything was going well Than the conduckter walled around and asked for tickets and Istarted to lock.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and inadequate development of ideas in the essay response. The writer does not provide an identifiable plot and setting. Characters are introduced but not developed. The lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow; in other words, not much happens.

The setting is not developed and providing details about the characters’ surroundings helps readers imagine the scene in his/her mind. (“ Well It was time to go and I was getting on a train and I was going to south caralinea. I was just getting on the train and the conduckter called all abord in engilsh…”)

The writer mentions characters in the story, but they are not developed in detail. (“Than the conduckter walled around and asked for tickets and Istarted to lock.”)

There is no dialogue that reveals what the characters may think or say aloud. (“I was just getting on the train and the conduckter called all abord in engilsh that means time to go or your stock hear. Well I got on the train and everything was going well.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning because it does not clearly focus on telling a story that would reveal, in great detail, an adventure on a train with three destinations. (“ Well It was time to go and I was getting on a train and I was going to south caralinea.”)

Events are not clearly in order. There are significant gaps in time and sequence that hinder the flow of events in the story. (“ Well I got on the train and everything was going well Than the conduckter walled around and asked for tickets and Istarted to lock.”)

The story includes no identifiable ending that summarizes the theme of the prompt task. (“ Than the conduckter walled around and asked for tickets and Istarted to lock.”)

Language Use & Style

There are incorrect word choices employed within the context of some sentences. (“ I was just getting on the train and the conduckter called all abord in engilsh that means time to go or your stock hear.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ I was just getting on the train and the conduckter called all abord in engilsh that means time to go or your stock hear. Well I got on the train and everything was going well.”)

There is no style reflected on the part of the writer in terms of word choices, organization, or sentence structure in the essay response. (“I was just getting on the train and the conduckter called all abord in engilsh that means time to go or your stock hear. Well I got on the train and everything was going well Than the conduckter walled around and asked for tickets and Istarted to lock.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized response. The essay is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“Well It was time to go and I was getting on a train and I was going to south caralinea. I was just getting on the train and the conduckter called all abord in engilsh that means time to go or your stock hear. Well I got on the train and everything was going well Than the conduckter walled around and asked for tickets and Istarted to lock.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

A Trunk in the Attic

Imagine that you found an old trunk in your grandparent's attic. What would you like to find in the trunk? Explain the reasons for your choices. As you write your story, remember to describe what you found and give details to explain your discovery.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

One dark, stormy night, when thunder rolled all around and lightning was always in sight, I stepped out of my parents' car into a puddle of mud. Then I trudged up the walkway to my grandparents' mansion. My mother and father were going to California and leaving me with my grandmother and grandfather. As I walked in, my grandparents greeted me, hugged me, and asked me every question about myself that they could possibly think to ask. Suddenly and unexpectedly, all the lights flickered and went out. Then, before I knew it, I had a lantern in my hand and I was walking up the long dark hallway to the attic to retrieve some flashlights. As I walked, floorboards creaked and rats scurried behind mounds of dust. At each noise, my heart seemed to skip a beat. I tried to keep my attention on the flickering flame that was eye level to me, so as not to think about the noises that sent a shiver down my spine. Then, after what seemed to be at least an hour, I reached the door. It was old and had splinters sticking out at awkward angles. With trembling fingers, I opened the door by the rusted handle and stepped inside. My vision was automatically filled with dust and I was blinded. I stumbled forward and tried to clean my eyes, as rats scurried between my shaking feet. Then I took another step and tripped on a loose floorboard, thus throwing forward me into some old, purple curtains. In my haste to free myself, my hand hit something hard beneath a blanket. I uncovered it and found a trunk with what appeared to be a world of wonderful treasures just waiting to be discovered. So I ventured to do just that.

I dug and dug, and then dug some more. It seemed to go on forever! Then, out of the blue, something caught my eye. There were some old pieces of parchment, and the remarkable thing was, they had my name printed on them! I couldn't believe it! Then naturally, curiosity kicked in and took hold of me. I lifted the papers carefully out of the trunk and turned each page as if they were made of glass and would shatter at the wrong touch. I soon found that the writing was too small for my eye to read alone without some assistance, so I looked up, and sitting on top of the trunk of treasures was an old magnifying glass! I quickly scooped it up and dusted off the cracked lens. Then I studied the paper as if I had to memorize each one, word for word. I found that I was a member of the D.A.R. I had no idea what that meant though, so I studied further, and when I found what the real meaning of D.A.R. meant, I almost fainted. It meant Daughter of the American Revolution. That was hardly the amazing part though. What I found after that was too much of a dream! I discovered that I was a descendant of none other than Arthur St.Clair himself! I, an ordinary eleven-year-old girl, was a descendant of a famous general! I couldn’t believe it, but I had to, for it was true. After that moment, I found that I held my head a little higher.

As I continued digging through the trunk, I found what must have been the dirtiest and oldest thing in the entire trunk! I had to dust it for what must have been fifteen minutes! Then I revealed that it was an old, white candlestick. I focused my eyes and found some small indentions that were sparking gold! As I studied and thought more about it, I discovered that it was some sort of different language! From my knowledge of languages, I concluded that it was Gaelic. I then thought deeper into it and concluded that the little candle belonged to one of my ancestors that had migrated here from Ireland . As I studied it, I discovered that the old, black wick had been lit numerous times.

Therefore, I concluded that this candle, old and ragged as it seemed, brightened spirits and lit the way for a very lucky family member before me. Then I squeezed it tightly, and with twinkling eyes, tucked it away in my back pocket. Then I searched on, moving each object and revealing the treasures beneath, waiting anxiously until something undiscovered caught my eye.

My wish came true and something did catch my eye. It was something sparkling beneath an old cloth bag. I removed the bag and carefully picked up the sparkling item. As I stared open- mouthed at it, I discovered that it was a pearl necklace with diamonds set carefully in each pearl! I was immediately caught up in its beauty. As I turned it over, studying each individual pearl, I found a name delicately engraved with gold letters inside the largest pearl on the necklace. As I stared at the name, I realized that it was none other than my mother's name! I couldn't believe it! My eyes gleamed with pride to have found something of such beauty that had belonged to a member of my family. I carefully placed the necklace around my neck and marveled at its unique beauty.

Suddenly, I heard a faint voice calling my name. It was my grandmother! I had lost track of time and had been up in the attic for an hour! I quickly jumped to my feet, making sure my treasures were safe in my pocket. I looked around, found the flashlights under some old table linens, and darted down the stairs. Later that night, as I lay awake in bed staring out into the starry night sky, I thought about the three items. I wondered how on earth these three little treasures could change my life so dramatically. The little, white candlestick, the wrinkled, old papers, and the gorgeous, shimmering necklace all had their effect on me! As I drifted off to sleep, I wondered what else was in that old trunk. I pushed away the covers, put on my slippers, and thought, "I will find out."

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay response. Throughout the narrative, the writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer uses descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story. The writer reflectively showcases the special pieces discovered while searching through the trunk in the grandparents’ attic.

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. The writer artfully reveals the discovery of the trunk and the hidden treasures waiting within it. (“My vision was automatically filled with dust and I was blinded. I stumbled forward and tried to clean my eyes, as rats scurried between my shaking feet. Then I took another step and tripped on a loose floorboard, thus throwing forward me into some old, purple curtains. In my haste to free myself, my hand hit something hard beneath a blanket. I uncovered it and found a trunk with what appeared to be a world of wonderful treasures just waiting to be discovered.”)

All of the details in the story focus on the main event. The writer includes very descriptive language so the readers feel as though they are also in the attic alongside the main character. (“Then, before I knew it, I had a lantern in my hand and I was walking up the long dark hallway to the attic to retrieve some flashlights. As I walked, floorboards creaked and rats scurried behind mounds of dust. At each noise, my heart seemed to skip a beat. I tried to keep my attention on the flickering flame that was eye level to me, so as not to think about the noises that sent a shiver down my spine. Then, after what seemed to be at least an hour, I reached the door. It was old and had splinters sticking out at awkward angles. With trembling fingers, I opened the door by the rusted handle and stepped inside.”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. All of the writer’s supporting details very effectively communicate the writer’s experiences navigating through the attic and discovering the treasures inside the old trunk. (“As I continued digging through the trunk, I found what must have been the dirtiest and oldest thing in the entire trunk! I had to dust it for what must have been fifteen minutes! Then I revealed that it was an old, white candlestick. I focused my eyes and found some small indentions that were sparking gold! As I studied and thought more about it, I discovered that it was some sort of different language!”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay response. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with supporting characters that round out the narrative. The writer clearly establishes a build-up to the discoveries in the attic and the main character’s reactions to the pieces that mean the most.

Although the use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is not used in the conventional sense of character-to-character interaction, the writer manages to reveal thoughts through the skillful storytelling style and language depicted throughout the narrative. (“Suddenly, I heard a faint voice calling my name. It was my grandmother! I had lost track of time and had been up in the attic for an hour! I quickly jumped to my feet, making sure my treasures were safe in my pocket. I looked around, found the flashlights under some old table linens, and darted down the stairs. Later that night, as I lay awake in bed staring out into the starry night sky, I thought about the three items. I wondered how on earth these three little treasures could change my life so dramatically. The little, white candlestick, the wrinkled, old papers, and the gorgeous, shimmering necklace all had their effect on me! As I drifted off to sleep, I wondered what else was in that old trunk. I pushed away the covers, put on my slippers, and thought, ‘I will find out.’”)

There is very effective information about what happened during the event. (“I dug and dug, and then dug some more. It seemed to go on forever! Then, out of the blue, something caught my eye. There were some old pieces of parchment, and the remarkable thing was, they had my name printed on them! I couldn't believe it! Then naturally, curiosity kicked in and took hold of me. I lifted the papers carefully out of the trunk and turned each page as if they were made of glass and would shatter at the wrong touch. I soon found that the writing was too small for my eye to read alone without some assistance, so I looked up, and sitting on top of the trunk of treasures was an old magnifying glass! I quickly scooped it up and dusted off the cracked lens.”)

The writer refers back to details from the beginning of the story to wrap up the narrative in the end. (“As I walked in, my grandparents greeted me, hugged me, and asked me every question about myself that they could possibly think to ask. Suddenly and unexpectedly, all the lights flickered and went out. Then, before I knew it, I had a lantern in my hand and I was walking up the long dark hallway to the attic to retrieve some flashlights… Suddenly, I heard a faint voice calling my name. It was my grandmother! I had lost track of time and had been up in the attic for an hour! I quickly jumped to my feet, making sure my treasures were safe in my pocket. I looked around, found the flashlights under some old table linens, and darted down the stairs.”)

Organization

The essay’s organization is very effective. The writer captures the readers’ attention by cleverly opening the story. The story flows very smoothly because of subtle transitions that support sequential development. The writer provides an ending that pulls the entire story together and leaves the readers to wonder what additional discoveries will be made by the main character after the story is over.

The story very effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer skillfully paints a picture of a curious child who ventures in the dark in search of flashlights and makes a life-changing discovery in the process. (“One dark, stormy night, when thunder rolled all around and lightning was always in sight, I stepped out of my parents' car into a puddle of mud. Then I trudged up the walkway to my grandparents' mansion. My mother and father were going to California and leaving me with my grandmother and grandfather. As I walked in, my grandparents greeted me, hugged me, and asked me every question about myself that they could possibly think to ask. Suddenly and unexpectedly, all the lights flickered and went out. Then, before I knew it, I had a lantern in my hand and I was walking up the long dark hallway to the attic to retrieve some flashlights. As I walked, floorboards creaked and rats scurried behind mounds of dust. At each noise, my heart seemed to skip a beat. I tried to keep my attention on the flickering flame that was eye level to me, so as not to think about the noises that sent a shiver down my spine.”)

Transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“From my knowledge of languages, I concluded that it was Gaelic. I then thought deeper into it and concluded that the little candle belonged to one of my ancestors that had migrated here from Ireland . As I studied it, I discovered that the old, black wick had been lit numerous times. Therefore, I concluded that this candle, old and ragged as it seemed, brightened spirits and lit the way for a very lucky family member before me. Then I squeezed it tightly, and with twinkling eyes, tucked it away in my back pocket.”)

The story demonstrates a very effective ending, emphasizing how the narrator feels, and her late-night ponderings of what other hidden treasures are still waiting to be discovered. (“Later that night, as I lay awake in bed staring out into the starry night sky, I thought about the three items. I wondered how on earth these three little treasures could change my life so dramatically. The little, white candlestick, the wrinkled, old papers, and the gorgeous, shimmering necklace all had their effect on me! As I drifted off to sleep, I wondered what else was in that old trunk. I pushed away the covers, put on my slippers, and thought, ‘I will find out.’”)

Language Use & Style

The writer chooses descriptive words to effectively illustrate the scenes. In doing so, readers are invited to picture each scene, as the writer discovers the treasures hiding in the grandparents’ attic. (“ I tried to keep my attention on the flickering flame that was eye level to me, so as not to think about the noises that sent a shiver down my spine. Then, after what seemed to be at least an hour, I reached the door. It was old and had splinters sticking out at awkward angles. With trembling fingers, I opened the door by the rusted handle and stepped inside. My vision was automatically filled with dust and I was blinded. I stumbled forward and tried to clean my eyes, as rats scurried between my shaking feet. Then I took another step and tripped on a loose floorboard, thus throwing forward me into some old, purple curtains. In my haste to free myself, my hand hit something hard beneath a blanket. I uncovered it and found a trunk with what appeared to be a world of wonderful treasures just waiting to be discovered. So I ventured to do just that.”)

The writer’s coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling theme of the story. (“ My wish came true and something did catch my eye. It was something sparkling beneath an old cloth bag. I removed the bag and carefully picked up the sparkling item. As I stared open- mouthed at it, I discovered that it was a pearl necklace with diamonds set carefully in each pearl! I was immediately caught up in its beauty. As I turned it over, studying each individual pearl, I found a name delicately engraved with gold letters inside the largest pearl on the necklace. As I stared at the name, I realized that it was none other than my mother's name! I couldn't believe it! My eyes gleamed with pride to have found something of such beauty that had belonged to a member of my family. I carefully placed the necklace around my neck and marveled at its unique beauty.”)

There is strong voice from the writer throughout the story. Readers can feel the narrator’s excitement and nostalgia as they discover the pieces in the trunk that are very meaningful to him/her. (“ I found that I was a member of the D.A.R. I had no idea what that meant though, so I studied further, and when I found what the real meaning of D.A.R. meant, I almost fainted. It meant Daughter of the American Revolution. That was hardly the amazing part though. What I found after that was too much of a dream! I discovered that I was a descendant of none other than Arthur St.Clair himself! I, an ordinary eleven-year-old girl, was a descendant of a famous general! I couldn’t believe it, but I had to, for it was true. After that moment, I found that I held my head a little higher.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions in the essay response. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ As I studied and thought more about it, I discovered that it was some sort of different language! From my knowledge of languages, I concluded that it was Gaelic. I then thought deeper into it and concluded that the little candle belonged to one of my ancestors that had migrated here from Ireland . As I studied it, I discovered that the old, black wick had been lit numerous times.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Here I am again on another Sunday afternoon at my grandparents' house. But this afternoon was different. My grandpa promised me that he would take me to the park to play basketball. I said, "Grandpa, I'm ready!" He said, "Well someone has to go and get the basketball!" Once again, I had to volunteer. I would not have volunteered myself to do it if I had known that the ball was in the attic. As I was walking up the creepy, dark stairs, I came across spiders, cobwebs, and huge dust balls. When I finally came to the top of the stairs, I was facing a dark, wooden door. I opened it deliberately. I was looking all over the room for the basketball when I came across a sheet. I yanked the sheet off and underneath it was an ancient looking trunk with dust all over it. As I wiped the thick layers of dust off, I discovered my grandparents' initials carved intricately into the wood.

As I opened the trunk, I was thinking, "What could be in it?" Once the trunk was fully opened, this huge puff of dust filled my eyes. I wasn't so sure if I wanted to lift anything up out of the trunk, but the curious person that I am lifted the first thing I could grab. It was an old, ripped up movie theater ticket. I was thinking to myself, "Why would it be in here? It's just a movie ticket." But when I turned the ticket over, there was a caption that read "our first movie." As I thought about it, I realized that my grandparents might have gone to see this particular movie when they were first married. Who knows? I was very happy to find the ticket because I could have it someday when I get older or if they pass away, I would have something to remember them by. So I decided that I had better let my curious hands put the ticket back in the trunk and see what else was in the trunk. Dear reader, you would not believe what I found!

As I rummaged through the trunk, I found one more special item. It was my baby blanket. One time I saw it in a photograph that my mom had given to me. The blanket was very special because when I was little, my mom used to wrap me safely and securely inside of the blanket and it made me feel nice and warm when I was out in the cold on snowy, winter days. The satin that was around the edge of the blanket was all ripped and torn apart. I thought about sewing it back to the way it was when I first got it, but I figured that it was very unique just the way it was. I gently set the torn blanket back in the trunk. Then I heard a creeking noise and soon realized who it was it was. It was my grandma! I soon started to worry and I could feel my face getting as red as a cherry. As soon as she called for me, I shut the trunk as silently as I possibly could, and darted down the stairs. My grandma told me that I had to clean the attic the following day. I smiled as big a smile as I could get and said, "Oh Grandmom, that's fine!"

The very next morning, as I started cleaning the stairs one by one, I slowly made my way to the top. I opened the door to the attic and darted straight to the trunk. Carefully, I opened it, and found old pictures. I was trying to use what I knew about my family to piece the mystery together. Once I put two and two together, it was my grandparents' and their family. I was really glad that I found them because I had great- great uncles, aunts, and even grandparents. When I was looking at them, it made me feel warm and special inside. When I pulled out some more pictures, one was torn on the corner. It was missing part of somebody's head. I was very upset about that because now I couldn't tell who in the world it was. After looking at all of the pictures, I finally realized who the person with her head cut off it was. It was my mom when she was little. I decided to keep that picture because it was too special to put back in the trunk.

After looking at the old movie ticket, my blanket, and the pictures, I realized that my grandparents had treasures! When I grow up to be as old as them, I hope that I will have the same treasures that my grandparents had. Then I will hide the treasures in my attic where my grandchildren can find them and experience the same adventure I did.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are stated well. (“ Here I am again on another Sunday afternoon at my grandparents' house. But this afternoon was different. My grandpa promised me that he would take me to the park to play basketball. I said, ‘Grandpa, I'm ready!’ He said, ‘Well someone has to go and get the basketball!’ Once again, I had to volunteer. I would not have volunteered myself to do it if I had known that the ball was in the attic. As I was walking up the creepy, dark stairs, I came across spiders, cobwebs, and huge dust balls. When I finally came to the top of the stairs, I was facing a dark, wooden door. ”)

The parts of the story relate to the main event. (“As I opened the trunk, I was thinking, ‘What could be in it?’ Once the trunk was fully opened, this huge puff of dust filled my eyes. I wasn't so sure if I wanted to lift anything up out of the trunk, but the curious person that I am lifted the first thing I could grab. It was an old, ripped up movie theater ticket. I was thinking to myself, ‘Why would it be in here? It's just a movie ticket.’”)

Details in the story focus on the main event. (“ The very next morning, as I started cleaning the stairs one by one, I slowly made my way to the top. I opened the door to the attic and darted straight to the trunk. Carefully, I opened it, and found old pictures. I was trying to use what I knew about my family to piece the mystery together. Once I put two and two together, it was my grandparents' and their family. I was really glad that I found them because I had great- great uncles, aunts, and even grandparents. ”)

Content & Development

Details are used to develop the main events of the story effectively. (“When I pulled out some more pictures, one was torn on the corner. It was missing part of somebody's head. I was very upset about that because now I couldn't tell who in the world it was. After looking at all of the pictures, I finally realized who the person with her head cut off it was. It was my mom when she was little. I decided to keep that picture because it was too special to put back in the trunk.”)

The dialogue is effectively developed to reveal the characters’ thoughts in the story. (“As I opened the trunk, I was thinking, ‘What could be in it?’ Once the trunk was fully opened, this huge puff of dust filled my eyes. I wasn't so sure if I wanted to lift anything up out of the trunk, but the curious person that I am lifted the first thing I could grab. It was an old, ripped up movie theater ticket. I was thinking to myself, ‘Why would it be in here? It's just a movie ticket.’ But when I turned the ticket over, there was a caption that read ‘our first movie.’”)

The plot is effectively developed. (“Then I heard a creeking noise and soon realized who it was it was. It was my grandma! I soon started to worry and I could feel my face getting as red as a cherry. As soon as she called for me, I shut the trunk as silently as I possibly could, and darted down the stairs. My grandma told me that I had to clean the attic the following day. I smiled as big a smile as I could get and said, ‘Oh Grandmom, that's fine!’ The very next morning, as I started cleaning the stairs one by one, I slowly made my way to the top. I opened the door to the attic and darted straight to the trunk.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas and events is good throughout the essay. The opening excites readers to continue reading. The story flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. The ending provides readers with a sense of completeness.

The story effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ Here I am again on another Sunday afternoon at my grandparents' house. But this afternoon was different. My grandpa promised me that he would take me to the park to play basketball. I said, ‘Grandpa, I'm ready!’ He said, ‘Well someone has to go and get the basketball!’ Once again, I had to volunteer. I would not have volunteered myself to do it if I had known that the ball was in the attic. As I was walking up the creepy, dark stairs, I came across spiders, cobwebs, and huge dust balls. When I finally came to the top of the stairs, I was facing a dark, wooden door. I opened it deliberately. ”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect events in the story. (“ The very next morning, as I started cleaning the stairs one by one, I slowly made my way to the top. I opened the door to the attic and darted straight to the trunk. Carefully, I opened it, and found old pictures. I was trying to use what I knew about my family to piece the mystery together. Once I put two and two together, it was my grandparents' and their family. ”)

The story includes an effective ending. (“ After looking at the old movie ticket, my blanket, and the pictures, I realized that my grandparents had treasures! When I grow up to be as old as them, I hope that I will have the same treasures that my grandparents had. Then I will hide the treasures in my attic where my grandchildren can find them and experience the same adventure I did.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good language use, voice, and style throughout the essay response. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with good voice and a clear sense of audience and uses well-structured sentences with some variety .

The language and tone are consistent in the narrative. (“ As I thought about it, I realized that my grandparents might have gone to see this particular movie when they were first married. Who knows? I was very happy to find the ticket because I could have it someday when I get older or if they pass away, I would have something to remember them by. So I decided that I had better let my curious hands put the ticket back in the trunk and see what else was in the trunk. Dear reader, you would not believe what I found!”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the story. (“ The blanket was very special because when I was little, my mom used to wrap me safely and securely inside of the blanket and it made me feel nice and warm when I was out in the cold on snowy, winter days. The satin that was around the edge of the blanket was all ripped and torn apart. I thought about sewing it back to the way it was when I first got it, but I figured that it was very unique just the way it was. I gently set the torn blanket back in the trunk. ”)

The writer employs good word choices to convey the message that discovering the trunk in the attic was a very moving and meaningful experience for the main character. (“ After looking at the old movie ticket, my blanket, and the pictures, I realized that my grandparents had treasures! When I grow up to be as old as them, I hope that I will have the same treasures that my grandparents had. Then I will hide the treasures in my attic where my grandchildren can find them and experience the same adventure I did.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer can ensure that all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and finally, that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“ As I was walking up the creepy, dark stairs, I came across spiders, cobwebs, and huge dust balls. When I finally came to the top of the stairs, I was facing a dark, wooden door. I opened it deliberately. I was looking all over the room for the basketball when I came across a sheet. I yanked the sheet off and underneath it was an ancient looking trunk with dust all over it. As I wiped the thick layers of dust off, I discovered my grandparents' initials carved intricately into the wood.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

One dark and cloudy night, I was at my grandparent's house which was very creepy and scary. While I was watching television, I heard a frightening noise coming from the attic. I got a flash light and pulled down the ladder from the hide away and crawled up into the attic. I found bats, bees’ nests, and other disgusting things. Something in the corner caught my eye. It was a trunk that had my great grandpa's name carved on the front of it.

The first thing I found in my great grandpa's trunk was a diary. It was his from World War 2. The diary was about him and his friends on the USS Oklahoma. It was very dusty and contained a few of his badges. I read that while on the USS Oklahoma, He was the guy who fired the huge guns. There were pictures of him and his buddies. I am glad I found this diary because now I know what it was like for him on the USS Oklahoma in World War 2.

The next thing I found in the trunk was my great grandfather's uniform. The uniform was plain green and had no pockets except for two just in front of the hips. The green uniform was for the mechanics who worked on the huge guns on the ship. The suit had black greese stains, smelled, and was very dusty, too. This suit was important to me because I found out what kind of clothes he wore in World War 2.

The last the last thing I found in my great-grandfather's trunk was a shoe box with about one hundred letters. The letters were written to his family in Hawaii . Some of the letters contained my Grandfather’s wishes. In one letter he said, "I love you very much and if I die take all the money and the car and go to Florida ." He said that he was fighting the war in the Pacific. These letters are important to me because he wrote back to his family and told them where he was during the war.

All those things I found in my great-grandfathers trunk were very special to me because he died and I found out what it was like for him in World War 2. He was a big support in the D-Day invasion. He nocked down some of the mountians to try and get the ground forces up the hills, so they could get some of the germans. that is all the details that I have to tell you about my great-grandfather’s trunk and what I found in the trunk.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer states the main event of the story adequately. To start off, the writer sets a scene that puts readers inside his/her grandparents’ home and up into the attic to discover hidden treasures there. (“One dark and cloudy night, I was at my grandparent's house which was very creepy and scary. While I was watching television, I heard a frightening noise coming from the attic. I got a flash light and pulled down the ladder from the hide away and crawled up into the attic. I found bats, bees’ nests, and other disgusting things. Something in the corner caught my eye. It was a trunk that had my great grandpa's name carved on the front of it.”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. The writer uses relevant details to reveal some of the treasures discovered in the trunk in the attic. (“The next thing I found in the trunk was my great grandfather's uniform. The uniform was plain green and had no pockets except for two just in front of the hips. The green uniform was for the mechanics who worked on the huge guns on the ship. The suit had black greese stains, smelled, and was very dusty, too. This suit was important to me because I found out what kind of clothes he wore in World War 2.”)

Details in the story adequately focus on the main event. (“The last the last thing I found in my great-grandfather's trunk was a shoe box with about one hundred letters. The letters were written to his family in Hawaii . Some of the letters contained my Grandfather’s wishes. In one letter he said, ‘I love you very much and if I die take all the money and the car and go to Florida .’ He said that he was fighting the war in the Pacific. These letters are important to me because he wrote back to his family and told them where he was during the war.”)

Content & Development

The setting is mentioned, but needs to be developed more adequately with additional, sensory details. (“One dark and cloudy night, I was at my grandparent's house which was very creepy and scary. While I was watching television, I heard a frightening noise coming from the attic. I got a flash light and pulled down the ladder from the hide away and crawled up into the attic. I found bats, bees’ nests, and other disgusting things.”)

The writer’s use of dialogue in the narrative is sparse. The writer should employ more dialogue between the characters to assist in revealing their thoughts or what they say aloud to each other in the story. (“ Some of the letters contained my Grandfather’s wishes. In one letter he said, ‘I love you very much and if I die take all the money and the car and go to Florida .’ He said that he was fighting the war in the Pacific. ”)

Details adequately contribute to the story’s plot. (“Something in the corner caught my eye. It was a trunk that had my great grandpa's name carved on the front of it. The first thing I found in my great grandpa's trunk was a diary. It was his from World War 2. The diary was about him and his friends on the USS Oklahoma. It was very dusty and contained a few of his badges. I read that while on the USS Oklahoma, He was the guy who fired the huge guns. There were pictures of him and his buddies. I am glad I found this diary because now I know what it was like for him on the USS Oklahoma in World War 2.”)

Organization

There is adequate organization in the essay response. The writer provides an interesting opening to the story that keeps readers reading. The story generally flows smoothly from one event to another with subtle transitions to support sequential development. The conclusion of the narrative provides readers with a sense of closure.

The beginning demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention with details by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. In this case, the writer sets up the scenario where the main character discovers the trunk in his/her grandfather’s attic. (“ One dark and cloudy night, I was at my grandparent's house which was very creepy and scary. While I was watching television, I heard a frightening noise coming from the attic. I got a flash light and pulled down the ladder from the hide away and crawled up into the attic. I found bats, bees’ nests, and other disgusting things. Something in the corner caught my eye. It was a trunk that had my great grandpa's name carved on the front of it.”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. (“ The first thing I found in my great grandpa's trunk was a diary. It was his from World War 2. The diary was about him and his friends on the USS Oklahoma. It was very dusty and contained a few of his badges. I read that while on the USS Oklahoma, He was the guy who fired the huge guns. ”) The writer should incorporate more transitions throughout the narrative to carry the events to their ultimate conclusion.

The writer includes an adequate ending that reveals the main character’s feelings about the importance of the items saved in his/her grandfather’s trunk in the attic. (“ All those things I found in my great-grandfathers trunk were very special to me because he died and I found out what it was like for him in World War 2. He was a big support in the D-Day invasion. He nocked down some of the mountians to try and get the ground forces up the hills, so they could get some of the germans. that is all the details that I have to tell you about my great-grandfather’s trunk and what I found in the trunk.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is adequate in the essay response. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, an awareness of audience, and control of voice. The essay generally reveals correct sentence structure with some variety .

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ While I was watching television, I heard a frightening noise coming from the attic. I got a flash light and pulled down the ladder from the hide away and crawled up into the attic. I found bats, bees’ nests, and other disgusting things. Something in the corner caught my eye. ”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the story. The writer provides language that adequately describes the many meaningful treasures discovered in the trunk in the attic. (“ The uniform was plain green and had no pockets except for two just in front of the hips. The green uniform was for the mechanics who worked on the huge guns on the ship. The suit had black greese stains, smelled, and was very dusty, too.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the story. (“ The last the last thing I found in my great-grandfather's trunk was a shoe box with about one hundred letters. The letters were written to his family in Hawaii . Some of the letters said, ‘I love you very much and if I die take all the money and the car and go to Florida .’ He said that he was fighting the war in the Pacific. These letters are important to me because he wrote back to his family and told them where he was during the war.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure that sentences have subject-verb agreement, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences begin with capital letters, word selections are spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs are indicated with line breaks throughout the narrative. (“ He nocked down some of the mountians to try and get the ground forces up the hills, so they could get some of the germans. that is all the details that I have to tell you about my great-grandfather’s trunk and what I found in the trunk.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

One day in June I went up my grandmothers attic. I notice things that my mom had as a child and things that her siblings had. While I was up there I took in a good whiff the air. The air smelled like old rotting wood or of a dead animal. I let out a small cough. The sun was gleaming through a small window on the north side of the house. The sun's rays were pointing to a green trunk that was shut tight. I opened up the chest with a metal bar. What I found was astounding.

The items that I found was like gold to a little child. There were little bottle caps, pieces of clothing, dolls, instruments. I picked up each one and thinking of my mom playing with one of them. At one time I notice a picture of the whole family having a great time. The picture had to be about twenty years old, because my mom was just a little kid. The reason why I no this is that I have seen pictures of my mom as a kid. I went back to playing with the toys of the treasure chest.

I started hearing someone come up the latter. I threw all the toys back into the chest and slammed it shut. My mom noticed me on the floor looking at this green chest of hers and asked me what I was doing. I replied," Nothing, just looking around." I told myself while leaving with my mom that one day I will return to this trunk of hers. We just left afterwards.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning is limited in the essay response. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides limited descriptions and details that may not give the readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The story states the main event of the story in a very limited way. (“ One day in June I went up my grandmothers attic. I notice things that my mom had as a child and things that her siblings had. ”)

The writer’s focus is limited in the essay response. The writer provides limited details on a few of the items discovered in the attic. The writer should attempt to elaborate on the discovered treasures and their meanings, not only to him/her, but to other characters in the narrative as well. (“ The items that I found was like gold to a little child. There were little bottle caps, pieces of clothing, dolls, instruments. I picked up each one and thinking of my mom playing with one of them. ”)

The writer provides limited examples in the essay response. The writer needs to include more meaningful examples to illustrate, for example, why these items were so important that they were saved in a trunk in the attic all those years. In doing so, the readers will fully appreciate the story unfolding in the writer’s mind. (“The picture had to be about twenty years old, because my mom was just a little kid. The reason why I no this is that I have seen pictures of my mom as a kid. I went back to playing with the toys of the treasure chest.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development in the essay. The essay reveals an adequately developed plot, setting, and characters, but lacks sufficient details to make this more than a summary of what happens in the narrative. Additionally, the writer does not implement the use of dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts. By omitting the use of dialogue, the writer misses the chance to illuminate on the experiences in a more significant way.

Although the writer provides a relevant plot to reflect the prompt task, there is limited detail used to develop the main events of the story. (“ The items that I found was like gold to a little child. There were little bottle caps, pieces of clothing, dolls, instruments. I picked up each one and thinking of my mom playing with one of them. At one time I notice a picture of the whole family having a great time. The picture had to be about twenty years old, because my mom was just a little kid. ”)

The details about characters in the story are limited. For example, the writer introduces his/her mother, but does not describe her in any way. (“I started hearing someone come up the latter. I threw all the toys back into the chest and slammed it shut. My mom noticed me on the floor looking at this green chest of hers and asked me what I was doing. I replied,’ Nothing, just looking around.’”)

The writer does not implement the use of effective dialogue in the narrative. By including dialogue, the writer can share the thoughts of characters in the story. (“I threw all the toys back into the chest and slammed it shut. My mom noticed me on the floor looking at this green chest of hers and asked me what I was doing. I replied,’ Nothing, just looking around.’ I told myself while leaving with my mom that one day I will return to this trunk of hers. We just left afterwards.”)

Organization

There is limited organization of main ideas and supporting details in the essay response. The writer provides an adequate opening that may not hold the readers’ attention. The flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Transitions are evident, but may be weak. The writer manages to provide the readers with some sense of closure.

The story attempts to grab the readers’ attention with details in the beginning of the story. (“ One day in June I went up my grandmothers attic. I notice things that my mom had as a child and things that her siblings had. While I was up there I took in a good whiff the air. The air smelled like old rotting wood or of a dead animal. I let out a small cough. The sun was gleaming through a small window on the north side of the house. The sun's rays were pointing to a green trunk that was shut tight. I opened up the chest with a metal bar. What I found was astounding.”)

Transitions are lacking in the essay response and should be used to connect events in the story and lead readers through the plot. (“ There were little bottle caps, pieces of clothing, dolls, instruments. I picked up each one and thinking of my mom playing with one of them. At one time I notice a picture of the whole family having a great time. The picture had to be about twenty years old, because my mom was just a little kid. The reason why I no this is that I have seen pictures of my mom as a kid. I went back to playing with the toys of the treasure chest.”)

The story demonstrates a limited ending that gives readers a sense of closure. (“ I started hearing someone come up the latter. I threw all the toys back into the chest and slammed it shut. My mom noticed me on the floor looking at this green chest of hers and asked me what I was doing. I replied, ’Nothing, just looking around.’ I told myself while leaving with my mom that one day I will return to this trunk of hers. We just left afterwards.”)

Language Use & Style

There is a limited variety of sentences used in the essay response and the sentences are structured in a very elementary fashion. (“I opened up the chest with a metal bar. What I found was astounding. The items that I found was like gold to a little child.”)

Oftentimes, the writer uses the same group of words to begin sentences. For instance, many of the writer’s sentences begin with “I.” (“ I started hearing someone come up the latter. I threw all the toys back into the chest and slammed it shut. My mom noticed me on the floor looking at this green chest of hers and asked me what I was doing. I replied," Nothing, just looking around." I told myself while leaving with my mom that one day I will return to this trunk of hers.”) The writer needs to incorporate a variety of well-structured sentences to assist in telling the story more effectively.

The sentences are too informal and the word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“ I started hearing someone come up the latter. I threw all the toys back into the chest and slammed it shut. My mom noticed me on the floor looking at this green chest of hers and asked me what I was doing. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, begin each sentence with a capital letter, indicate new paragraphs with line breaks, check for correct spelling of word choices, and ensure proper usage of words within the context of sentences. (“ The items that I found was like gold to a little child. There were little bottle caps, pieces of clothing, dolls, instruments. I picked up each one and thinking of my mom playing with one of them. At one time I notice a picture of the whole family having a great time. The picture had to be about twenty years old, because my mom was just a little kid. The reason why I no this is that I have seen pictures of my mom as a kid. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

It all started when Mr. and Mrs.Frankinfield died. They were absolutely mean. They locked all the doors, garage, and windows. So when the Frankinfields died nobody got to burry them or destroy the house.

Then one day a window was open and I climbed in. I was afraid at first, but a couple minutes later I was calm. Something popped in my head. Maybe I will search the house. When I was searching the house. I found a huge trunk. It looked liked indons carved it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story only minimally states the main event of the story. (“When I was searching the house. I found a huge trunk. It looked liked indons carved it.”) The writer misses the opportunity to elaborate on the treasures found in the trunk. Providing more details at every turn in a story creates a richly textured plot and story line.

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give the readers a true sense of the main character’s adventure into the abandoned house and the treasures hidden within the trunk. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“ I was afraid at first, but a couple minutes later I was calm. Something popped in my head. Maybe I will search the house. ”)

The writer’s details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“It all started when Mr. and Mrs.Frankinfield died. They were absolutely mean. They locked all the doors, garage, and windows. So when the Frankinfields died nobody got to burry them or destroy the house.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay response. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The story lacks tension or conflict to make it interesting. Little to no dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Only minimal details are used to develop the main events of the story. The plot is only minimally developed. The writer briefly addresses the idea of discovering a trunk in an abandoned house, but these ideas are not developed in a way that enhances the writer’s message. (“I was afraid at first, but a couple minutes later I was calm. Something popped in my head. Maybe I will search the house. When I was searching the house. I found a huge trunk. It looked liked indons carved it.”)

The writer does not provide a narrative that includes a detailed setting or characters. The story introduces two deceased characters who lived in the neighborhood, but the writer does not provide sensory details to create a mental image of what these characters were like. (“It all started when Mr. and Mrs.Frankinfield died. They were absolutely mean. They locked all the doors, garage, and windows. So when the Frankinfields died nobody got to burry them or destroy the house.”)

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is not incorporated into the narrative. (“ I was afraid at first, but a couple minutes later I was calm. Something popped in my head. Maybe I will search the house.”)

Organization

The essay’s organization is minimal as well. The writer provides an opening that minimally reveals the theme of the story. The flow of the story is very difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. Furthermore, the essay demonstrates little evidence of a strong ending.

The story does not effectively grab the readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer misses the opportunity to create a descriptive scene with enticing characters so that readers can be pulled into the story from the very beginning. (“ It all started when Mr. and Mrs.Frankinfield died. They were absolutely mean. They locked all the doors, garage, and windows. So when the Frankinfields died nobody got to burry them or destroy the house.”)

Transitions are not used to connect events in the story. (“ It all started when Mr. and Mrs.Frankinfield died. They were absolutely mean. They locked all the doors, garage, and windows. So when the Frankinfields died nobody got to burry them or destroy the house.”) By including more effective transitions, the writer can create an effective flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence.

The story’s ending does not give a sense of closure to readers. The writer does not reveal what may or may not have been discovered in the trunk. The task response, in essence, is incomplete. (“ When I was searching the house. I found a huge trunk. It looked liked indons carved it.”)

Language Use & Style

Selected words are misspelled and errors in syntax are evident. These errors impede the readers’ ability to follow the writer’s narrative with understanding. (“ When I was searching the house. I found a huge trunk. It looked liked indons carved it.”)

There is repetition of ideas in the essay response. The writer needs to phrase ideas in an effective way to clearly communicate events throughout the narrative. (“ It all started when Mr. and Mrs.Frankinfield died. They were absolutely mean. They locked all the doors, garage, and windows. So when the Frankinfields died nobody got to burry them or destroy the house.”)

The language is simple and repetitive. The word choices and sentence structure do not effectively communicate the writer’s story to the intended audience. (“ Then one day a window was open and I climbed in. I was afraid at first, but a couple minutes later I was calm. Something popped in my head. Maybe I will search the house. When I was searching the house. I found a huge trunk. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is minimal in the essay response. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, which interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized task response. (“I was afraid at first, but a couple minutes later I was calm. Something popped in my head. Maybe I will search the house. When I was searching the house. I found a huge trunk. It looked liked indons carved it.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

If I found an old trunk in my grandma's attic, I would find a $1,000,000 bill. I find a old peir of pans and some shoe and caps and some games. I find some more sofe and a old peter and a old bear. i went down sesr and aet some ice-cream.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the essay are inadequate in the task response. The writer demonstrates inadequate understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides very few details that would address the many questions presented in the task prompt. The essay does not satisfy the main components of the task.

The writer does not provide adequate details that would elaborate on the discoveries in the trunk. The writer simply lists the items with no sense of storytelling infused into the narrative. (“If I found an old trunk in my grandma's attic, I would find a $1,000,000 bill. I find a old peir of pans and some shoe and caps and some games.”)

The writer does not exhibit an awareness of audience. (“ I find some more sofe and a old peter and a old bear. i went down sesr and aet some ice-cream.”)

The essay’s limited focus is evident in the brevity of the response. (“If I found an old trunk in my grandma's attic, I would find a $1,000,000 bill. I find a old peir of pans and some shoe and caps and some games. I find some more sofe and a old peter and a old bear. i went down sesr and aet some ice-cream.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay response. The writer does not provide an identifiable plot and setting. Characters are introduced but not developed. The lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow; in other words, not much happens.

The setting is not developed in detail. (“If I found an old trunk in my grandma's attic…”)

The characters are not developed in any way. The sole character introduced to readers is the narrator, but we do not have any sensory details about him/her. (“ I find some more sofe and a old peter and a old bear. i went down sesr and aet some ice-cream.”)

There is no dialogue implemented in the narrative to reveal what the characters think or say aloud. (“If I found an old trunk in my grandma's attic, I would find a $1,000,000 bill. I find a old peir of pans and some shoe and caps and some games. I find some more sofe and a old peter and a old bear.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The beginning does not include background information about the event. (“ If I found an old trunk in my grandma's attic, I would find a $1,000,000 bill.”)

Details, words, or phrases are inadequate in the narrative to engage the readers or to address the questions posed in the prompt task, which deal with the experiences of discovering a trunk in an attic. (“ I find a old peir of pans and some shoe and caps and some games. I find some more sofe and a old peter and a old bear. i went down sesr and aet some ice-cream.”)

The story demonstrates no recognizable ending. (“ i went down sesr and aet some ice-cream.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is inadequate in the essay response. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and noticeable errors in sentence structure, spelling, and usage.

The essay exhibits major errors in syntax that interfere with the message the writer is attempting to convey. (“ I find a old peir of pans and some shoe and caps and some games.”) The lengths of the sentences are often short, with some being fragments rather than complete thoughts. (“ I find some more sofe and a old peter and a old bear.”) The sentences are too informal and riddled with errors to effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“ i went down sesr and aet some ice-cream.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is inadequate in the essay response. There are noticeable e rrors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, which significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure that the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized task response. The essay is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“If I found an old trunk in my grandma's attic, I would find a $1,000,000 bill. I find a old peir of pans and some shoe and caps and some games. I find some more sofe and a old peter and a old bear. i went down sesr and aet some ice-cream.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

A Vivid Childhood Memory

We all have experienced something in our childhood that has impacted our lives. Think of a vivid memory from your childhood. Do you remember the first time you rode a school bus? Do you remember your first best friend? Do you remember when you learned to ride a bicycle? Do you remember the first time you earned enough money to buy something that you really wanted?

In a multi-paragraph essay, narrate the events related to a vivid childhood memory. Be sure to use details and examples so that your readers will understand what makes your memory so important.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

We all have memories that stay with us throughout our lives. I have one such vivid memory. All I have to do is close my eyes, and I relive it all over again…"Come on, don't be a chicken," my six-year-old cousin commanded, "just go and take it." I looked nervously towards the table with sweets on it. I turned back to my cousin as he nodded, knowing he had convinced me. My cousin was only six, but he was the head honcho of all the kids. He convinced my brother that pigs fly and my four-year-old cousins that fairies exist. You may think that they are only little kids, so they believe everything. The way he explained it, it would almost seem obvious that fairies exist. To this day, I still believe, but enough about that. I snapped out my thoughts and rushed over to the table. I picked up the can top, and ran over to my cousin. He gave me a devilish smile, and snatched it out my hand.

The game was a simple kind of frisbee. We threw the metal can top among all eight of us. Every one of us was careful not to scratch ourselves, or any else for that matter. Everyone was laughing and shouting comments at one another. Suddenly, the can top landed on the floor, and everybody lunged for it; everyone except the head honcho, of course. Mary, the fairy-believer, won the can top and threw it back to the head honcho. He caught it and said, "This one is for Beth," and he threw it. I opened my arms, but my brother pushed me. The can top was heading straight for my face! In desperation, I blocked it with the inside of my left elbow. I felt a claw piercing me, and a sharp scratching noise filled the air.

I looked bewildered, wondering what had happened. I felt a sharp, piercing pain on my elbow. I looked around, and everyone looked stunned. I looked toward the head honcho, for he seemed like someone just slapped him. Then I felt it…the warm, liquidly stuff going down my elbow, all the way down to my pants. I didn't dare to look. I stood up quickly, and rushed over to my parents. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw red. “Blood!” I thought, with mixed feelings of worry, anger, and strangely enough, curiosity. When my mom saw me, her eyes widened with fear.

My mom called everyone, and I mean EVERYONE. Soon the whole place was filled with cries of fear and a lot of questions. I just sat there. My aunt brought paper towels and wrapped all the paper towels around my arm. My other aunt brought an egg, and cracked it opened. She then spread it around the cut. Out of nowhere, the cries and questions turned to anger. My parents were then shouting "You are dumb," they shouted, "why did you do that?" My grandma and uncle were shouting, "You are going to die!" That comment did sink in. That phrase repeated in my mind. “Kids don't die”, I thought, with little confidence now, “or do they?” I suddenly felt the air tightening in my chest, everything closing-in, the panic was setting in. I started to cry. My parents did little to comfort me, for they were still angry. After about one hour, it was finally decided that we would go to the doctor.

At the doctor's office, my mom completely OVERREACTED. My mom was half yelling and half talking. The waiting room was packed and everyone was now looking at me. Even this one kid who came in throwing-up was now smiling. The doctor looked attentive and interested. Every once in a while, a smile would spread across his face. After I completely turned into a red tomato, the doctor finally said," Okay, it’s time to get stitches." Just my luck. My parents had to drag me, but I wasn't crying. The doctor told me to sit down on the operating table, and to sit still. He got out the needle and thread, and washed my elbow of all the dry blood. He barely started to move towards my elbow, and I started to cry before the needle made it to within an inch of my elbow. He started to dig in, and my parents were holding me now. I couldn't take it any longer, so I decided to shout, "Stop, I don't want stitches!" He immediately stopped and my parents nodded. The doctor finished the last stitch and we went home.

When I got home, it was like I had been in the hospital for months (possibly years), for everyone was giving me hugs, kisses, and treats. They asked me questions that didn't make sense (probably because I had less air in my lungs). Then about an hour and half into the "Family Reunion", everyone sat down and talked. The conversation started out as the “Drive to the Hospital” then came “the experience”. It seemed to me that I was getting redder every word that my parents said. Did they have to tell a room full of people that I cried like a baby? After the novel of my "accident" was told, things got complicated. My mom started to turn a little red, okay maybe not a little. I suddenly felt the urge to run, but I couldn't because the head honcho was blocking the exit, my aunt was holding my hand, and I was afraid of that jump I would have to take to get to the door. It was almost as if they had planned this whole thing. I'm so dead, I thought. Think of something, anything! My eyes dashed to the head honcho. Huh, he was the one who threw the lid. A mischievous smile spread across my face. "He did it!" I yelled, and pointed at him. Everyone laughed. Even the head honcho.

After they explained everything, they told me that I shouldn't be playing with sharps things. All the eyes turned to the head honcho. He turned red. They gave him a lecture, but I didn't listen. I was too happy to do so. After about nine years, I still have that scar. That embarrassing time in the hospital showed me that moms do overreact, and cannot be trusted with hospital secrets. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, and don't play with sharp things.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay. Throughout the narrative, the writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer uses descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story. The writer reflectively showcases a vivid childhood memory where the pain and humiliation of an injury stays with her to the present day.

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. Throughout the story, the writer builds anticipation for what will happen after sustaining an elbow injury. Readers are drawn into these experiences and feel as though they are in the room watching the events unfold. (“At the doctor's office, my mom completely OVERREACTED. My mom was half yelling and half talking. The waiting room was packed and everyone was now looking at me. Even this one kid who came in throwing-up was now smiling. The doctor looked attentive and interested. Every once in a while, a smile would spread across his face. After I completely turned into a red tomato, the doctor finally said,’ Okay, it’s time to get stitches.’ Just my luck. My parents had to drag me, but I wasn't crying. The doctor told me to sit down on the operating table, and to sit still. He got out the needle and thread, and washed my elbow of all the dry blood. He barely started to move towards my elbow, and I started to cry before the needle made it to within an inch of my elbow. He started to dig in, and my parents were holding me now.”)

All of the details in the story focus on the main event. Readers are pulled into the scenario, and relevant, effective details are provided to enhance the writer’s experience. The writer succeeds in describing the circumstances and the subsequent experiences after sustaining an elbow injury while fooling around with cousins during a family get-together. (“‘This one is for Beth,’ and he threw it. I opened my arms, but my brother pushed me. The can top was heading straight for my face! In desperation, I blocked it with the inside of my left elbow. I felt a claw piercing me, and a sharp scratching noise filled the air. I looked bewildered, wondering what had happened. I felt a sharp, piercing pain on my elbow. I looked around, and everyone looked stunned. I looked toward the head honcho, for he seemed like someone just slapped him. Then I felt it…the warm, liquidly stuff going down my elbow, all the way down to my pants. I didn't dare to look. I stood up quickly, and rushed over to my parents. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw red. ‘Blood!’ I thought, with mixed feelings of worry, anger, and strangely enough, curiosity. When my mom saw me, her eyes widened with fear.”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. All of the supporting details very effectively communicate the writer’s experience. (“After the novel of my ‘accident’ was told, things got complicated. My mom started to turn a little red, okay maybe not a little. I suddenly felt the urge to run, but I couldn't because the head honcho was blocking the exit, my aunt was holding my hand, and I was afraid of that jump I would have to take to get to the door. It was almost as if they had planned this whole thing. I'm so dead, I thought. Think of something, anything! My eyes dashed to the head honcho. Huh, he was the one who threw the lid. A mischievous smile spread across my face. ‘He did it!’ I yelled, and pointed at him. Everyone laughed. Even the head honcho.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with supporting characters that round out the narrative. The writer clearly establishes a build-up to the revelation of the injury incurred during a Frisbee game and her experiences in the doctor’s office afterward. In doing so, the writer heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story.

The characters included in the writer’s examples are relevant and believable. For example, the writer includes an antagonist in the form of her six-year-old cousin, who manages to get the other children to make questionable choices and believe tall tales. (“‘Come on, don't be a chicken,’ my six-year-old cousin commanded, ‘just go and take it.’ I looked nervously towards the table with sweets on it. I turned back to my cousin as he nodded, knowing he had convinced me. My cousin was only six, but he was the head honcho of all the kids. He convinced my brother that pigs fly and my four-year-old cousins that fairies exist. You may think that they are only little kids, so they believe everything. The way he explained it, it would almost seem obvious that fairies exist. To this day, I still believe, but enough about that. I snapped out my thoughts and rushed over to the table. I picked up the can top, and ran over to my cousin. He gave me a devilish smile, and snatched it out my hand.”)

There is very effective information about what happened before the event. In the beginning of the story, we find the writer and her cousins are starting a questionable game of Frisbee with a metal can top. (“The game was a simple kind of frisbee. We threw the metal can top among all eight of us. Every one of us was careful not to scratch ourselves, or any else for that matter. Everyone was laughing and shouting comments at one another. Suddenly, the can top landed on the floor, and everybody lunged for it; everyone except the head honcho, of course. Mary, the fairy-believer, won the can top and threw it back to the head honcho. He caught it and said, ‘This one is for Beth,’ and he threw it. I opened my arms, but my brother pushed me. The can top was heading straight for my face! In desperation, I blocked it with the inside of my left elbow. I felt a claw piercing me, and a sharp scratching noise filled the air.”)

There is very effective information about what happened during the event. The writer provides relevant details about the injury and reactions of family members after the injury throughout the narrative. (“My mom called everyone, and I mean EVERYONE. Soon the whole place was filled with cries of fear and a lot of questions. I just sat there. My aunt brought paper towels and wrapped all the paper towels around my arm. My other aunt brought an egg, and cracked it opened. She then spread it around the cut. Out of nowhere, the cries and questions turned to anger. My parents were then shouting ‘You are dumb,’ they shouted, ‘why did you do that?’ My grandma and uncle were shouting, ‘You are going to die!’ That comment did sink in. That phrase repeated in my mind. ‘Kids don't die’, I thought, with little confidence now, ‘or do they?’ I suddenly felt the air tightening in my chest, everything closing-in, the panic was setting in. I started to cry. My parents did little to comfort me, for they were still angry. After about one hour, it was finally decided that we would go to the doctor.”)

Organization

The essay’s organization is very effective. The writer captures the readers’ attention by providing a clever opening to the story. The writing flows very smoothly because of subtle transitions that support sequential development, and the writer provides an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The story very effectively grabs readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer skillfully paints a picture of the scenario leading to the injury to her elbow. (“We all have memories that stay with us throughout our lives. I have one such vivid memory. All I have to do is close my eyes, and I relive it all over again… ‘Come on, don't be a chicken,’ my six-year-old cousin commanded, ‘just go and take it.’ I looked nervously towards the table with sweets on it. I turned back to my cousin as he nodded, knowing he had convinced me. My cousin was only six, but he was the head honcho of all the kids. He convinced my brother that pigs fly and my four-year-old cousins that fairies exist. You may think that they are only little kids, so they believe everything. The way he explained it, it would almost seem obvious that fairies exist. To this day, I still believe, but enough about that. I snapped out my thoughts and rushed over to the table. I picked up the can top, and ran over to my cousin. He gave me a devilish smile, and snatched it out my hand.”)

Subtle transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“After I completely turned into a red tomato, the doctor finally said,’ Okay, it’s time to get stitches.’ Just my luck. My parents had to drag me, but I wasn't crying. The doctor told me to sit down on the operating table, and to sit still. He got out the needle and thread, and washed my elbow of all the dry blood. He barely started to move towards my elbow, and I started to cry before the needle made it to within an inch of my elbow. He started to dig in, and my parents were holding me now. I couldn't take it any longer, so I decided to shout, ‘Stop, I don't want stitches!’ He immediately stopped and my parents nodded. The doctor finished the last stitch and we went home.”)

The story demonstrates a very effective ending, emphasizing a few observations the writer made after the harrowing experience. (“After they explained everything, they told me that I shouldn't be playing with sharps things. All the eyes turned to the head honcho. He turned red. They gave him a lecture, but I didn't listen. I was too happy to do so. After about nine years, I still have that scar. That embarrassing time in the hospital showed me that moms do overreact, and cannot be trusted with hospital secrets. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, and don't play with sharp things.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is very effective. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of intended audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the effectiveness of the story.

The writer makes precise language choices to effectively illustrate her experience with an injury during a family get-together. (“ The game was a simple kind of frisbee. We threw the metal can top among all eight of us. Every one of us was careful not to scratch ourselves, or any else for that matter. Everyone was laughing and shouting comments at one another. Suddenly, the can top landed on the floor, and everybody lunged for it; everyone except the head honcho, of course. Mary, the fairy-believer, won the can top and threw it back to the head honcho. He caught it and said, ‘This one is for Beth,’ and he threw it. I opened my arms, but my brother pushed me. The can top was heading straight for my face! In desperation, I blocked it with the inside of my left elbow. I felt a claw piercing me, and a sharp scratching noise filled the air.”)

The writer’s coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the story. (“ My mom called everyone, and I mean EVERYONE. Soon the whole place was filled with cries of fear and a lot of questions. I just sat there. My aunt brought paper towels and wrapped all the paper towels around my arm. My other aunt brought an egg, and cracked it opened. She then spread it around the cut. Out of nowhere, the cries and questions turned to anger. My parents were then shouting ‘You are dumb,’ they shouted, ‘why did you do that?’ My grandma and uncle were shouting, ‘You are going to die!’ That comment did sink in. That phrase repeated in my mind. ‘Kids don't die’, I thought, with little confidence now, ‘or do they?’”)

There is strong voice from the writer throughout the story. Readers can feel the writer’s humiliation as everyone makes such a fuss about the injury to her elbow. (“ When I got home, it was like I had been in the hospital for months (possibly years), for everyone was giving me hugs, kisses, and treats. They asked me questions that didn't make sense (probably because I had less air in my lungs). Then about an hour and half into the ‘Family Reunion’, everyone sat down and talked. The conversation started out as the ‘Drive to the Hospital’ then came ‘the experience’. It seemed to me that I was getting redder every word that my parents said. Did they have to tell a room full of people that I cried like a baby?”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ My mom was half yelling and half talking. The waiting room was packed and everyone was now looking at me. Even this one kid who came in throwing-up was now smiling. The doctor looked attentive and interested.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

I have many vivid favorite childhood memories. One of my favorite memories was the day before Easter. It was a cold morning when the Jones kids woke up. They had all been worried that it was going to be too cold to roll Easter Eggs at White Sands this year. Mom had said if it was too cold outside that we wouldn't be rolling eggs this year. We were all upset about that because that had been our family tradition for a long time. So we all waited and waited until one in the afternoon and it was still windy and stormy outside. We were all just so anxious to roll Easter Eggs so we went to mom and Jim said, "Mom, are we going to roll Easter Eggs today?" Mom looked at us and said, "Kids, I know how much you want to go to roll Easter Eggs, but I don't think that we can go this year." Mom must have seen the disappointment in our faces because she got a sad look on her face and said, "Sorry guys."

For a long time we all moped around the house wishing we were outside rolling Easter eggs when mom got an idea. She came over to us and told us to go get all the toilet paper and paper towel tubes that we could find. We all asked why, but she just told us to go look for some. So we separated and went on a search for tubes. We looked in every bathroom, bedroom, closet, drawer, and cupboard. While we were on our search, we weren't paying much attention to what mom was doing. Little did we know, she had been boiling eggs while we were on the tube hunt. But when we had gathered up all the tubes we could possibly find, mom said to cut them in half and tape them together to make a trail. So we did as mom told us and cut all the tubes and taped them together to make little trails.

After we did that, mom said that we could put the trails we made and set them on the stairs and roll the eggs down that. Mom told us to go in the kitchen and there was a surprise on the counter. We were all anxious to see what she had in the kitchen for us. We went in the kitchen, and there on the table, were a dozen white eggs that had been boiled. We all got so excited; we ran up to the play room and got all of the crayons and markers we could find. We found all sorts of colors to decorate the eggs.

After we decorated the eggs, Jim, Tom, and I got pillows and put them at the bottom of the stairs for padding so that when the eggs hit the bottom, they wouldn't break. We brought the eggs to the top of the stairs and started rolling them. On the first egg we rolled, it jumped off of the trail and splattered all over the floor. We took a look at the trail and realized it had a huge dent in the side, so we got the tape and fixed it up, so the dent was gone. We got another egg and rolled it down the trail. This time, it went straight down from the top to the bottom without a single crash. We were having such a good time that we did it for hours until the trail got so worn out, the eggs would just stop in the middle of the trail. Mom decided we had better quit before we made a huge mess with the eggs. So we cleaned up the pillow, eggs, and the trail.

After the mess was cleaned up, we went over to mom, gave her a hug, and thanked her for letting us make the trail and roll the eggs. She looked down at us and said with a smile, "I am glad that your Easter Egg Roll wasn't spoiled just because of a little rain." We all smiled and laughed. We had a very fun day! To this day, we all remember that indoor Easter Egg Roll. This is, and probably always will be, one of my favorite childhood memories.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are well stated. The writer focuses the narrative completely on the Easter egg hunt that was moved indoors due to inclement weather. (“Mom must have seen the disappointment in our faces because she got a sad look on her face and said, ‘Sorry guys.’ For a long time we all moped around the house wishing we were outside rolling Easter eggs when mom got an idea. She came over to us and told us to go get all the toilet paper and paper towel tubes that we could find. We all asked why, but she just told us to go look for some. So we separated and went on a search for tubes. We looked in every bathroom, bedroom, closet, drawer, and cupboard. While we were on our search, we weren't paying much attention to what mom was doing. Little did we know, she had been boiling eggs while we were on the tube hunt.”)

The parts of the story relate to the main event. (“After we did that, mom said that we could put the trails we made and set them on the stairs and roll the eggs down that. Mom told us to go in the kitchen and there was a surprise on the counter. We were all anxious to see what she had in the kitchen for us. We went in the kitchen, and there on the table, were a dozen white eggs that had been boiled. We all got so excited; we ran up to the play room and got all of the crayons and markers we could find. We found all sorts of colors to decorate the eggs.”)

The details in the story focus on the main event. The writer provides relevant details that outline the ways in which the children and their mom were able to simulate the egg-rolling experience indoors. (“After we decorated the eggs, Jim, Tom, and I got pillows and put them at the bottom of the stairs for padding so that when the eggs hit the bottom, they wouldn't break. We brought the eggs to the top of the stairs and started rolling them. On the first egg we rolled, it jumped off of the trail and splattered all over the floor. We took a look at the trail and realized it had a huge dent in the side, so we got the tape and fixed it up, so the dent was gone. We got another egg and rolled it down the trail. This time, it went straight down from the top to the bottom without a single crash. We were having such a good time that we did it for hours until the trail got so worn out, the eggs would just stop in the middle of the trail. Mom decided we had better quit before we made a huge mess with the eggs. So we cleaned up the pillow, eggs, and the trail.”)

Content & Development

Details are used to develop the main events of the story effectively. The writer consistently reveals the experiences of the family as they attempt to salvage a rainy day. (“For a long time we all moped around the house wishing we were outside rolling Easter eggs when mom got an idea. She came over to us and told us to go get all the toilet paper and paper towel tubes that we could find. We all asked why, but she just told us to go look for some. So we separated and went on a search for tubes. We looked in every bathroom, bedroom, closet, drawer, and cupboard. While we were on our search, we weren't paying much attention to what mom was doing. Little did we know, she had been boiling eggs while we were on the tube hunt. But when we had gathered up all the tubes we could possibly find, mom said to cut them in half and tape them together to make a trail. So we did as mom told us and cut all the tubes and taped them together to make little trails.”)

The setting is effectively developed with details. (“After we did that, mom said that we could put the trails we made and set them on the stairs and roll the eggs down that. Mom told us to go in the kitchen and there was a surprise on the counter. We were all anxious to see what she had in the kitchen for us. We went in the kitchen, and there on the table, were a dozen white eggs that had been boiled. We all got so excited; we ran up to the play room and got all of the crayons and markers we could find. We found all sorts of colors to decorate the eggs.”)

The plot is developed effectively. (“It was a cold morning when the Jones kids woke up. They had all been worried that it was going to be too cold to roll Easter Eggs at White Sands this year. Mom had said if it was too cold outside that we wouldn't be rolling eggs this year. We were all upset about that because that had been our family tradition for a long time. So we all waited and waited until one in the afternoon and it was still windy and stormy outside. We were all just so anxious to roll Easter Eggs so we went to mom and Jim said, ‘Mom, are we going to roll Easter Eggs today?’ Mom looked at us and said, ‘Kids, I know how much you want to go to roll Easter Eggs, but I don't think that we can go this year.’ Mom must have seen the disappointment in our faces because she got a sad look on her face and said, ‘Sorry guys.’”)

Organization

The story effectively grabs readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ I have many vivid favorite childhood memories. One of my favorite memories was the day before Easter. It was a cold morning when the Jones kids woke up. They had all been worried that it was going to be too cold to roll Easter Eggs at White Sands this year. Mom had said if it was too cold outside that we wouldn't be rolling eggs this year. We were all upset about that because that had been our family tradition for a long time. So we all waited and waited until one in the afternoon and it was still windy and stormy outside. We were all just so anxious to roll Easter Eggs so we went to mom and Jim said, ‘Mom, are we going to roll Easter Eggs today?’ Mom looked at us and said, ‘Kids, I know how much you want to go to roll Easter Eggs, but I don't think that we can go this year.’ Mom must have seen the disappointment in our faces because she got a sad look on her face and said, ‘Sorry guys.’”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. The writer should attempt to incorporate more effective transitions to promote the flow of the story. (“ After we did that, mom said that we could put the trails we made and set them on the stairs and roll the eggs down that. Mom told us to go in the kitchen and there was a surprise on the counter. We were all anxious to see what she had in the kitchen for us. We went in the kitchen, and there on the table, were a dozen white eggs that had been boiled. We all got so excited; we ran up to the play room and got all of the crayons and markers we could find. We found all sorts of colors to decorate the eggs.”)

The story includes an effective ending. (“ After the mess was cleaned up, we went over to mom, gave her a hug, and thanked her for letting us make the trail and roll the eggs. She looked down at us and said with a smile, ‘I am glad that your Easter Egg Roll wasn't spoiled just because of a little rain.’ We all smiled and laughed. We had a very fun day! To this day, we all remember that indoor Easter Egg Roll. This is, and probably always will be, one of my favorite childhood memories.”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent. (“ For a long time we all moped around the house wishing we were outside rolling Easter eggs when mom got an idea. She came over to us and told us to go get all the toilet paper and paper towel tubes that we could find. We all asked why, but she just told us to go look for some. So we separated and went on a search for tubes. We looked in every bathroom, bedroom, closet, drawer, and cupboard. While we were on our search, we weren't paying much attention to what mom was doing. Little did we know, she had been boiling eggs while we were on the tube hunt.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the story. (“ After we decorated the eggs, Jim, Tom, and I got pillows and put them at the bottom of the stairs for padding so that when the eggs hit the bottom, they wouldn't break. We brought the eggs to the top of the stairs and started rolling them. On the first egg we rolled, it jumped off of the trail and splattered all over the floor. We took a look at the trail and realized it had a huge dent in the side, so we got the tape and fixed it up, so the dent was gone. We got another egg and rolled it down the trail.”)

The writer employs good word choices to convey the memory that is so vivid and cherished in his/her mind. (“ After the mess was cleaned up, we went over to mom, gave her a hug, and thanked her for letting us make the trail and roll the eggs. She looked down at us and said with a smile, ‘I am glad that your Easter Egg Roll wasn't spoiled just because of a little rain.’ We all smiled and laughed. We had a very fun day! To this day, we all remember that indoor Easter Egg Roll. This is, and probably always will be, one of my favorite childhood memories.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“ Little did we know, she had been boiling eggs while we were on the tube hunt. But when we had gathered up all the tubes we could possibly find, mom said to cut them in half and tape them together to make a trail. So we did as mom told us and cut all the tubes and taped them together to make little trails.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

When I was in kindergarten, I met this girl named Hannah. She was just one year older than me. We became friends after only a couple of weeks. Then one day at recess , she asked me if I would like to come over and spend the night. Of course, I had to ask my mom if I could because I was only five years old. My mom said yes. The next day at school, I told her I could spend the night at her house. She was so happy. I was scared because I had never spent the night at someone's house. This would be my very first sleepover!

On Saterday I went over to her house to spend the night. It was really fun. We had ham and pineapple pizza for dinner. After dinner, we watched Mulan, a movie about a Japanese girl. Then we went up to Hannah's room and played with her Barbies and painted mesh butterflies with glitter paint. She had a TV in her room, so we watched TV for a little while. Then we got ready for bed. We went into her room and watched a movie and then some more TV. We went to bed in her bunk beds and woke up on Sunday morning My teacher and Hannah's mom, Miss Beth, made us the best breakfast I ever had of mixed fruit, orange juice, and buttermilk pancakes with maple syrup and butter. After breakfast, we went outside to play on Hannah’s water slide. It was so much fun! We went back inside and watched some TV and drew and colored some pictures. Then my mom picked me up at noon, and I went home. My mom asked me if I had a good time at Hannah's house. I said I did. I went over to Hannah's a couple more times during the school year.

Hannah and I are still friends to this day. I live in a different state, but we are still friends. It's been about two years since we've seen each other. The last time I saw Hannah was when I was nine. We haven't seen each other ever since that one summer when she surprised me. She came over to my grandma's house, and we swam will her brother and my brother. Then we had a great lunch of hot dogs, hamburgers, soda, lemonade, and ice cream.

Hannah is one of my best friends. I don't know when we will see each other again, but we will always be friends. We may see each other today, tomorrow, maybe in a week, or in a month or two. Whenever we see each other again, if we ever do, this is a story I will always have to remember forever. This was the first time I ever had a best friend who would be with me forever. We have known each other for eight years, and hopefully, for many more years to come.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer states the main event of the story adequately. (“When I was in kindergarten, I met this girl named Hannah. She was just one year older than me. We became friends after only a couple of weeks. Then one day at recess , she asked me if I would like to come over and spend the night. Of course, I had to ask my mom if I could because I was only five years old. My mom said yes. The next day at school, I told her I could spend the night at her house. She was so happy. I was scared because I had never spent the night at someone's house. This would be my very first sleepover!”)

The writer focuses on the main event of the friends’ sleepover and subsequent friendship throughout the essay. (“We went to bed in her bunk beds and woke up on Sunday morning My teacher and Hannah's mom, Miss Beth, made us the best breakfast I ever had of mixed fruit, orange juice, and buttermilk pancakes with maple syrup and butter. After breakfast, we went outside to play on Hannah’s water slide. It was so much fun! We went back inside and watched some TV and drew and colored some pictures. Then my mom picked me up at noon, and I went home. My mom asked me if I had a good time at Hannah's house. I said I did. I went over to Hannah's a couple more times during the school year.”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“Hannah and I are still friends to this day. I live in a different state, but we are still friends. It's been about two years since we've seen each other. The last time I saw Hannah was when I was nine. We haven't seen each other ever since that one summer when she surprised me. She came over to my grandma's house, and we swam will her brother and my brother. Then we had a great lunch of hot dogs, hamburgers, soda, lemonade, and ice cream.”)

Details in the story focus on the main event. (“On Saterday I went over to her house to spend the night. It was really fun. We had ham and pineapple pizza for dinner. After dinner, we watched Mulan, a movie about a Japanese girl. Then we went up to Hannah's room and played with her Barbies and painted mesh butterflies with glitter paint. She had a TV in her room, so we watched TV for a little while. Then we got ready for bed.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate in the response. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting with relevant and believable characters. The response gives specific details to give the readers a clear picture of the fun the girls had during their first sleepover and throughout the course of their friendship.

The writer provides adequate details that all relate to the main event. (“On Saterday I went over to her house to spend the night. It was really fun. We had ham and pineapple pizza for dinner. After dinner, we watched Mulan, a movie about a Japanese girl. Then we went up to Hannah's room and played with her Barbies and painted mesh butterflies with glitter paint. She had a TV in her room, so we watched TV for a little while. Then we got ready for bed. We went into her room and watched a movie and then some more TV. We went to bed in her bunk beds and woke up on Sunday morning.”)

The writer briefly provides a surprise in the story when the writer’s friend surprised her with a visit, after she had moved away. (“Hannah and I are still friends to this day. I live in a different state, but we are still friends. It's been about two years since we've seen each other. The last time I saw Hannah was when I was nine. We haven't seen each other ever since that one summer when she surprised me. She came over to my grandma's house, and we swam will her brother and my brother. Then we had a great lunch of hot dogs, hamburgers, soda, lemonade, and ice cream.”)

The writer expands on many of the activities the friends did together during their first sleepover. (“My teacher and Hannah's mom, Miss Beth, made us the best breakfast I ever had of mixed fruit, orange juice, and buttermilk pancakes with maple syrup and butter. After breakfast, we went outside to play on Hannah’s water slide. It was so much fun! We went back inside and watched some TV and drew and colored some pictures. Then my mom picked me up at noon, and I went home.”)

Organization

There is adequate organization in the essay. The writer provides an adequate opening to the story that keeps readers reading. The essay generally flows smoothly from one event to another with adequate transitions to support sequential development. There is also an adequate ending to the story.

The beginning demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab readers’ attention by detailing the vivid childhood memory of best friends having a sleepover for the first time. (“ When I was in kindergarten, I met this girl named Hannah. She was just one year older than me. We became friends after only a couple of weeks. Then one day at recess , she asked me if I would like to come over and spend the night. Of course, I had to ask my mom if I could because I was only five years old. My mom said yes. The next day at school, I told her I could spend the night at her house. She was so happy. I was scared because I had never spent the night at someone's house. This would be my very first sleepover!”)

The writer needs to use effective transitions to connect events in the story. By incorporating transitions throughout the narrative, the writer can assist the readers by carrying the story’s events to their ultimate conclusion. (“Hannah and I are still friends to this day. I live in a different state, but we are still friends. It's been about two years since we've seen each other. The last time I saw Hannah was when I was nine. We haven't seen each other ever since that one summer when she surprised me. She came over to my grandma's house, and we swam will her brother and my brother. Then we had a great lunch of hot dogs, hamburgers, soda, lemonade, and ice cream.”)

The essay provides an adequate conclusion that gives the readers a sense of closure. (“ Hannah is one of my best friends. I don't know when we will see each other again, but we will always be friends. We may see each other today, tomorrow, maybe in a week, or in a month or two. Whenever we see each other again, if we ever do, this is a story I will always have to remember forever. This was the first time I ever had a best friend who would be with me forever. We have known each other for eight years, and hopefully, for many more years to come. ”)

Language Use & Style

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ My teacher and Hannah's mom, Miss Beth, made us the best breakfast I ever had of mixed fruit, orange juice, and buttermilk pancakes with maple syrup and butter. After breakfast, we went outside to play on Hannah’s water slide. It was so much fun!”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the essay. The writer provides language that adequately describes the vivid memory of a best friend and a memorable sleepover. (“ On Saterday I went over to her house to spend the night. It was really fun. We had ham and pineapple pizza for dinner. After dinner, we watched Mulan, a movie about a Japanese girl. Then we went up to Hannah's room and played with her Barbies and painted mesh butterflies with glitter paint.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the story. (“ Hannah is one of my best friends. I don't know when we will see each other again, but we will always be friends. We may see each other today, tomorrow, maybe in a week, or in a month or two. Whenever we see each other again, if we ever do, this is a story I will always have to remember forever. This was the first time I ever had a best friend who would be with me forever.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure sentences have subject-verb agreement, end with appropriate punctuation marks, begin with capital letters, and that words are spelled correctly. (“ On Saterday I went over to her house to spend the night. It was really fun. We had ham and pineapple pizza for dinner. After dinner, we watched Mulan, a movie about a Japanese girl.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

My first pet was a cute, little hamster. I got it when I was 8. My mom bought it because it looked so cute and nice. When I first saw it I was so excited. I was also scared a little bit because I never had a pet before. My big sister, Joyce and I named him, Sniffles because he likes to sniff.

At first I didn't touch the hamster because I was afraid he would bite or scratch me. My sister was brave enough to hold it, also because she LOVES animals. Then I got used to Sniffles and I only felt his back but I didn't hold him. After a few days I can hold Sniffles.He felt soft, furry, and warm. The hamster did not bite or scratch me. Sniffles was playful and full of energy.After that Joyce and I fed Sniffles some hamster food. It was green, red, brown and yellow. It smelled as bad as cows. Sniffles is also very picky.

I'm glad my mom bought Sniffles. He lived for a long time. He lived for almost 3 years. He is a very lucky hamster, but he got old though. Now he is lazy and fat. He bites sometimes. I still love Sniffles though. I hope he lives forever.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer states the main event of the story in a very limited way. (“My first pet was a cute, little hamster. I got it when I was 8. My mom bought it because it looked so cute and nice.”)

The writer’s focus is limited in the essay. The writer focuses limited details on the events surrounding the time spent with his/her pet hamster. (“At first I didn't touch the hamster because I was afraid he would bite or scratch me. My sister was brave enough to hold it, also because she LOVES animals. Then I got used to Sniffles and I only felt his back but I didn't hold him. After a few days I can hold Sniffles.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the essay. The writer does not provide enough information for the readers to grasp why this is such a vivid childhood memory. By providing more relevant details, readers will be able to fully appreciate the story unfolding in the writer’s mind. (“The hamster did not bite or scratch me. Sniffles was playful and full of energy.After that Joyce and I fed Sniffles some hamster food. It was green, red, brown and yellow. It smelled as bad as cows. Sniffles is also very picky.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The essay reveals a very limited plot, setting, and characters, and lacks sufficient details to make this more than a brief synopsis of what the writer’s pet was like when the writer was younger. The writer discusses a vivid childhood memory, but does not include a problem in the story. The writer does not implement the use of dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Although the writer provides brief information to state the purpose of the narrative, limited details are used to develop the main events of the story. (“My first pet was a cute, little hamster. I got it when I was 8. My mom bought it because it looked so cute and nice. When I first saw it I was so excited. I was also scared a little bit because I never had a pet before. My big sister, Joyce and I named him, Sniffles because he likes to sniff.”)

The details about characters in the story are limited. The writer introduces a mom and a sister into the narrative, but does not describe them in any way. (“My mom bought it because it looked so cute and nice. When I first saw it I was so excited. I was also scared a little bit because I never had a pet before. My big sister, Joyce and I named him, Sniffles because he likes to sniff.”)

The writer does not implement the use of dialogue in the narrative. By including dialogue, the writer can share the thoughts of characters in the story. (“I'm glad my mom bought Sniffles. He lived for a long time. He lived for almost 3 years. He is a very lucky hamster, but he got old though. Now he is lazy and fat. He bites sometimes. I still love Sniffles though. I hope he lives forever.”)

Organization

The beginning of the narrative attempts to grab readers’ attention in a way that would entice them to continue reading. The writer creates an initial interest by describing his/her first pet received as a child. (“ My first pet was a cute, little hamster. I got it when I was 8. My mom bought it because it looked so cute and nice. When I first saw it I was so excited. I was also scared a little bit because I never had a pet before. My big sister, Joyce and I named him, Sniffles because he likes to sniff.”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story and lead readers through the essay. (“ At first I didn't touch the hamster because I was afraid he would bite or scratch me. My sister was brave enough to hold it, also because she LOVES animals. Then I got used to Sniffles and I only felt his back but I didn't hold him.”)

The writer provides a limited ending with a sense of closure, but does not give the audience anything to think about once the response has concluded. (“ I'm glad my mom bought Sniffles. He lived for a long time. He lived for almost 3 years. He is a very lucky hamster, but he got old though. Now he is lazy and fat. He bites sometimes. I still love Sniffles though. I hope he lives forever.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates a limited use of language, voice, and style in the response. The essay reveals simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, the word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

The lengths of some of the sentences are short. (“ After a few days I can hold Sniffles.He felt soft, furry, and warm. The hamster did not bite or scratch me. Sniffles was playful and full of energy.”) The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the story more interesting to the intended audience.

Oftentimes, the writer uses the same words within sentences. The writer’s use of “ He ,” for example, is glaringly repetitive. (“ He lived for a long time. He lived for almost 3 years. He is a very lucky hamster, but he got old though. Now he is lazy and fat.”)

The sentences are too informal and word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“ My first pet was a cute, little hamster. I got it when I was 8. My mom bought it because it looked so cute and nice. When I first saw it I was so excited. I was also scared a little bit because I never had a pet before. My big sister, Joyce and I named him, Sniffles because he likes to sniff.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), ensure tense agreement throughout the essay, end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, begin each sentence with a capital letter, indicate new paragraphs with line breaks, check for correct spelling of words, and ensure proper usage of words. (“After that Joyce and I fed Sniffles some hamster food. It was green, red, brown and yellow. It smelled as bad as cows. Sniffles is also very picky.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

I was packing up my clothes to go to the beach. Because the beach was going to have a martigras peraid. As I finished packing up my bag my sister was already to go, I went out side and we left. On the way there we saw a crockadile about to eat a bird. We finaly got to the beach and it was as hot as the sun.

There was an hour until the peraid started, so we went to this big store that was actuly named The Big Store. At the store we bought some bread, eggs, and milk. We went to the beach house to put up the stuff we bought from the store. By the time we were finished putting up the stuff we bought from the store it was time to go to the peraid.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The main event of the story is only minimally stated. (“I was packing up my clothes to go to the beach. Because the beach was going to have a martigras peraid. As I finished packing up my bag my sister was already to go, I went out side and we left.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give readers a true sense of the vivid childhood memory he/she is attempting to share. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“On the way there we saw a crockadile about to eat a bird. We finaly got to the beach and it was as hot as the sun.”)

The writer’s details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“There was an hour until the peraid started, so we went to this big store that was actuly named The Big Store. At the store we bought some bread, eggs, and milk. We went to the beach house to put up the stuff we bought from the store. By the time we were finished putting up the stuff we bought from the store it was time to go to the peraid.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. The story lacks tension or conflict to make the story interesting. Little to no dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Only minimal details are used to develop the main events of the story. The plot is only minimally developed. The writer briefly addresses the experiences on the way to the beach, but these ideas are not developed in a way that enhances the writer’s message. (“On the way there we saw a crockadile about to eat a bird. We finaly got to the beach and it was as hot as the sun. There was an hour until the peraid started, so we went to this big store that was actuly named The Big Store. At the store we bought some bread, eggs, and milk.”)

The writer does not provide a narrative that includes a detailed setting or characters. There are no descriptions of the setting and the writer does not attempt to describe the characters in any way. (“I was packing up my clothes to go to the beach. Because the beach was going to have a martigras peraid. As I finished packing up my bag my sister was already to go, I went out side and we left.”)

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is not employed by the writer in the essay. (“As I finished packing up my bag my sister was already to go, I went out side and we left. On the way there we saw a crockadile about to eat a bird. We finaly got to the beach and it was as hot as the sun.”)

Organization

The story attempts to grab readers’ attention in the beginning; however, the plot is confusing since the writer does not explain how or why this particular day is so memorable. (“ I was packing up my clothes to go to the beach. Because the beach was going to have a martigras peraid. As I finished packing up my bag my sister was already to go, I went out side and we left.”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. (“ As I finished packing up my bag my sister was already to go, I went out side and we left. On the way there we saw a crockadile about to eat a bird.”) By including more effective transitions, the writer can create an effective flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence.

The story minimally demonstrates an ending. (“ By the time we were finished putting up the stuff we bought from the store it was time to go to the peraid.”) The essay fails to reveal insightful reasons as to why the writer feels this memory is so vivid in his/her mind.

Language Use & Style

The writer does not exhibit strong voice or style in the essay. (“ There was an hour until the peraid started, so we went to this big store that was actuly named The Big Store. At the store we bought some bread, eggs, and milk. We went to the beach house to put up the stuff we bought from the store.”)

The sentences are not well structured in the essay response. The writer needs to phrase ideas in an effective way to clearly communicate events throughout the narrative. (“ Because the beach was going to have a martigras peraid. As I finished packing up my bag my sister was already to go, I went out side and we left.”)

The language is simple and repetitive. Word choices and sentence structure do not effectively communicate the writer’s story to the intended audience. (“ We went to the beach house to put up the stuff we bought from the store. By the time we were finished putting up the stuff we bought from the store it was time to go to the peraid.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is minimal. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized task response. (“On the way there we saw a crockadile about to eat a bird. We finaly got to the beach and it was as hot as the sun.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

A chlidhood memory that I know is that I said mommy and that is why I think I love her so much but that dose not meay that I do not love dad. Daddy was the other word that I said. I iove him to. Another Childhood memory was when I got my first I got a little dog my dog is so cute he is my little babby. Another word that I said was Paki he is my cusin but he is like a brother to me and I am like a sister to him.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is stated, but the writer does not focus details to elaborate on the main theme of the story. (“ A chlidhood memory that I know is that I said mommy and that is why I think I love her so much but that dose not meay that I do not love dad.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of intended audience. (“Daddy was the other word that I said. I iove him to.”)

The writer does not provide details that satisfy the purpose of the task. (“Another Childhood memory was when I got my first I got a little dog my dog is so cute he is my little babby. Another word that I said was Paki he is my cusin but he is like a brother to me and I am like a sister to him.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer does not provide an identifiable plot and setting. Characters are introduced, but not developed. The lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow; in other words, not much happens.

The setting is not developed, and providing details about the characters’ surroundings helps readers imagine the scene in his/her mind. (“ A chlidhood memory that I know is that I said mommy and that is why I think I love her so much but that dose not meay that I do not love dad.”)

The writer mentions characters in the story, but they are not developed in detail. (“Another Childhood memory was when I got my first I got a little dog my dog is so cute he is my little babby. Another word that I said was Paki he is my cusin but he is like a brother to me and I am like a sister to him.”)

There is no dialogue that reveals what the characters may think or say aloud. (“A chlidhood memory that I know is that I said mommy and that is why I think I love her so much but that dose not meay that I do not love dad. Daddy was the other word that I said. I iove him to.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning because it does not clearly focus on telling a story that would reveal, in great detail, a vivid childhood memory. (“ A chlidhood memory that I know is that I said mommy and that is why I think I love her so much but that dose not meay that I do not love dad.”)

Events are not clearly in order. There are significant gaps in time sequence that hinder the flow of events in the story. (“ Another Childhood memory was when I got my first I got a little dog my dog is so cute he is my little babby. Another word that I said was Paki he is my cusin but he is like a brother to me and I am like a sister to him.”)

The story includes no identifiable ending that summarizes the theme of the prompt task. (“ Another word that I said was Paki he is my cusin but he is like a brother to me and I am like a sister to him.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is inadequate. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice with no a wareness of audience and noticeable errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are incorrect word choices employed within the context of some sentences. (“ I iove him to. Another Childhood memory was when I got my first I got a little dog my dog is so cute he is my little babby.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ A chlidhood memory that I know is that I said mommy and that is why I think I love her so much but that dose not meay that I do not love dad. Daddy was the other word that I said.”)

There is no style reflected on the part of the writer in terms of word choices, organization, or sentence structure. (“Another word that I said was Paki he is my cusin but he is like a brother to me and I am like a sister to him.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is inadequate. There are noticeable e rrors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphs with line breaks to separate and organize ideas. The essay is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“A chlidhood memory that I know is that I said mommy and that is why I think I love her so much but that dose not meay that I do not love dad.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

A World without Gravity

Imagine you wake up one day in a world without gravity. Write a story about what happens throughout the day.

Be sure to include specific details and examples in your essay.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

My eyes are closed. I roll over, feeling the moment coming. "Oh here we go again," I thought to myself. I wonder what my head will find to crash up against this time. I started to fall off the bed and held my breath. But nothing happened. I rolled over again to intentionally fall. But I was still at that same level. I finally opened my eyes in shock. I was floating, and so were my blankets. Am I dreaming? Not only my blankets and I were floating, but everything seemed to be. I went to get up and walk but I just ended up twirling around in one big circle. I must have looked like a freak. I finally held myself still and got my control of things. I slowly moved my arms and legs to maneuver myself to the doorway. Soon enough, it seemed like I was swimming in the air. What was happening? Well, I was pretty sure it was a dream, so I might as well make the best of it.

I "swam" to the bathroom, which looked even more distorted than my bedroom. The water in the toilet was even floating. Okay, that's just gross. I turned myself cautiously not to bump into anything, and looked at myself in the mirror. My hair looked crazy since I hadn't brushed it. I tried to push it down for it was floating also. But it didn't do much. I finally grabbed a hair tie and put it into a pony tail. Now that my hair was out the way, I moon walked over to the kitchen. I was parched, so I grabbed a glass that just so happened to swing by me, and turned on the faucet. But I didn't get any water in my cup. Instead, it shot straight up. "Eh, I wasn't that thirsty anyway."

As I woke up even more, I started to realize that this might be real life. This can't be a dream at all. How could this happen though? There's no gravity! I tried to run outside in a panic, but I was just whirling around in this one small area of air I was in. So I carefully went to the front door and opened it. I was amazed at how cartoonish the whole world looked. Dogs were running free off their leashes trying to make an effort to get free from life. Their owners were trying to go after them with a hopeless and scared look of fear on their faces. Children were making the most of it by climbing tall trees and jumping down. Cars were useless in the still air. It was still air, until the wind blew. Leaves went everywhere; they didn't have the usual sound of them lightly scraping against the pavement. It was completely silent when the wind blew. It was hard to get away from the leaves. They were everywhere!

I once again "swam" to the nearest street. I entered into a McDonald's fast food restaurant. As people ordered their food, they all started arguing. There seemed to be a hold up at the beginning of the line. A poor young boy was frantically trying his hardest to place the customer's order onto the tray. Another girl who worked there was trying to make a cheeseburger but when she squirted out the ketchup, it would just stay there and not stick onto the bun. "So much for eating," I thought to myself.

Well, I had one more option. I could have a nice day at the beach. I was over the bridge soon enough. Men who were fishing were frustrated because they couldn't cast out their fishing lines. I got to the pier. They weren't having much luck with the whole food thing either. But the ocean was the most extraordinary thing. As the waves would come in and crash up, they wouldn't crash back down. There was water drifting everywhere in the air. As I looked at my hair and clothes, I realized that I was soaked, drenched in salt water. I didn't like this at all. All the water above us was blocking out the sun. I got a mouth full of salt water in my mouth. I tried to spit it out, but my spit didn't travel far. It was right in front of me. I lunged away so it wouldn't get on me.

At the end of the day, I was a little depressed. I couldn't do just about anything with this whole new no-gravity arrangement. I wanted the things the way they used to be. I wasn't used to this kind of change and apparently no one else was either. As I floated there above my bed, I drifted off into a deep sleep. I had nightmares of not eating for days and bumping into things all over the place. As the sun began to shine on me through my window, I rolled over. "Here we go again," I thought to myself. I intentionally rolled over to fall, as I do every morning, and surprisingly, I did. My head hit my dresser and I sat up on the floor in astonishment. I've never been so happy to fall and hit my head in my whole life. After so many unusual, gravity-free days, this day was going to be a wonderfully normal day! At last!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay. Throughout the narrative, the writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer uses descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story. The writer reflectively showcases his/her experiences navigating through the world without gravity.

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. Throughout the story, the writer describes how everything is affected by the lack of gravity in the world. (“I ‘swam’ to the bathroom, which looked even more distorted than my bedroom. The water in the toilet was even floating. Okay, that's just gross. I turned myself cautiously not to bump into anything, and looked at myself in the mirror. My hair looked crazy since I hadn't brushed it. I tried to push it down for it was floating also. But it didn't do much. I finally grabbed a hair tie and put it into a pony tail. Now that my hair was out the way, I moon walked over to the kitchen. I was parched, so I grabbed a glass that just so happened to swing by me, and turned on the faucet. But I didn't get any water in my cup. Instead, it shot straight up.”)

All of the details in the story focus on the main event. Readers are pulled into the different scenarios, and relevant, effective details are provided to enhance the writer’s experience. The writer succeeds in describing the circumstances and the subsequent experiences in a world free from gravity. (“As I woke up even more, I started to realize that this might be real life. This can't be a dream at all. How could this happen though? There's no gravity! I tried to run outside in a panic, but I was just whirling around in this one small area of air I was in. So I carefully went to the front door and opened it. I was amazed at how cartoonish the whole world looked. Dogs were running free off their leashes trying to make an effort to get free from life. Their owners were trying to go after them with a hopeless and scared look of fear on their faces. Children were making the most of it by climbing tall trees and jumping down. Cars were useless in the still air. It was still air, until the wind blew. Leaves went everywhere; they didn't have the usual sound of them lightly scraping against the pavement. It was completely silent when the wind blew. It was hard to get away from the leaves. They were everywhere!”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. All of the writer’s supporting details very effectively communicate the writer’s experience. (“At the end of the day, I was a little depressed. I couldn't do just about anything with this whole new no-gravity arrangement. I wanted the things the way they used to be. I wasn't used to this kind of change and apparently no one else was either. As I floated there above my bed, I drifted off into a deep sleep. I had nightmares of not eating for days and bumping into things all over the place. As the sun began to shine on me through my window, I rolled over. ‘Here we go again,’ I thought to myself. I intentionally rolled over to fall, as I do every morning, and surprisingly, I did. My head hit my dresser and I sat up on the floor in astonishment. I've never been so happy to fall and hit my head in my whole life.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with supporting characters that round out the narrative. The writer clearly establishes a build-up to the revelation of the world without gravity and the writer’s experiences coping in a gravity-free world. In doing so, the writer heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story.

The characters included in the writer’s examples are relevant and believable. For example, the writer includes a scenario at a fast food restaurant where people are frustrated with the problems that come with having no gravity in the world. (“I once again ‘swam’ to the nearest street. I entered into a McDonald's fast food restaurant. As people ordered their food, they all started arguing. There seemed to be a hold up at the beginning of the line. A poor young boy was frantically trying his hardest to place the customer's order onto the tray. Another girl who worked there was trying to make a cheeseburger but when she squirted out the ketchup, it would just stay there and not stick onto the bun. ‘So much for eating,’ I thought to myself.”)

There is very effective information about what happened before the event. In the beginning of the story, we find the writer is still in bed, quickly discovering that “falling out” of bed this particular morning was not going to happen. (“My eyes are closed. I roll over, feeling the moment coming. ‘Oh here we go again,’ I thought to myself. I wonder what my head will find to crash up against this time. I started to fall off the bed and held my breath. But nothing happened. I rolled over again to intentionally fall. But I was still at that same level. I finally opened my eyes in shock. I was floating, and so were my blankets. Am I dreaming? Not only my blankets and I were floating, but everything seemed to be. I went to get up and walk but I just ended up twirling around in one big circle. I must have looked like a freak.”)

There is very effective information about what happened during the event. The writer provides relevant details about the experiences living in a gravity-free world throughout the narrative. (“Well, I had one more option. I could have a nice day at the beach. I was over the bridge soon enough. Men who were fishing were frustrated because they couldn't cast out their fishing lines. I got to the pier. They weren't having much luck with the whole food thing either. But the ocean was the most extraordinary thing. As the waves would come in and crash up, they wouldn't crash back down. There was water drifting everywhere in the air. As I looked at my hair and clothes, I realized that I was soaked, drenched in salt water. I didn't like this at all.”)

Organization

The essay’s organization is very effective. The writer captures the reader’s attention by providing a clever opening to the story. The writing flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development, and the writer provides an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The story very effectively grabs readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer skillfully paints a picture of the moments leading up to the narrator’s realization that he/she has awoken to a world without gravity. (“My eyes are closed. I roll over, feeling the moment coming. ‘Oh here we go again,’ I thought to myself. I wonder what my head will find to crash up against this time. I started to fall off the bed and held my breath. But nothing happened. I rolled over again to intentionally fall. But I was still at that same level. I finally opened my eyes in shock. I was floating, and so were my blankets. Am I dreaming? Not only my blankets and I were floating, but everything seemed to be. I went to get up and walk but I just ended up twirling around in one big circle. I must have looked like a freak. I finally held myself still and got my control of things. I slowly moved my arms and legs to maneuver myself to the doorway. Soon enough, it seemed like I was swimming in the air. What was happening? Well, I was pretty sure it was a dream, so I might as well make the best of it.”)

Subtle transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“Now that my hair was out the way, I moon walked over to the kitchen. I was parched, so I grabbed a glass that just so happened to swing by me, and turned on the faucet. But I didn't get any water in my cup. Instead, it shot straight up. ‘Eh, I wasn't that thirsty anyway.’ As I woke up even more, I started to realize that this might be real life. This can't be a dream at all. How could this happen though? There's no gravity! I tried to run outside in a panic, but I was just whirling around in this one small area of air I was in. So I carefully went to the front door and opened it. I was amazed at how cartoonish the whole world looked.”)

The story demonstrates a very effective conclusion, emphasizing the narrator’s desire to have things go back to normal, and then having the wish granted for a happy ending. (“At the end of the day, I was a little depressed. I couldn't do just about anything with this whole new no-gravity arrangement. I wanted the things the way they used to be. I wasn't used to this kind of change and apparently no one else was either. As I floated there above my bed, I drifted off into a deep sleep. I had nightmares of not eating for days and bumping into things all over the place. As the sun began to shine on me through my window, I rolled over. ‘Here we go again,’ I thought to myself. I intentionally rolled over to fall, as I do every morning, and surprisingly, I did. My head hit my dresser and I sat up on the floor in astonishment. I've never been so happy to fall and hit my head in my whole life. After so many unusual, gravity-free days, this day was going to be a wonderfully normal day! At last!”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes precise language choices to effectively illustrate his/her experiences in a world without gravity. (“ As I woke up even more, I started to realize that this might be real life. This can't be a dream at all. How could this happen though? There's no gravity! I tried to run outside in a panic, but I was just whirling around in this one small area of air I was in. So I carefully went to the front door and opened it. I was amazed at how cartoonish the whole world looked. Dogs were running free off their leashes trying to make an effort to get free from life. Their owners were trying to go after them with a hopeless and scared look of fear on their faces.”)

The writer’s coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the story. (“ My hair looked crazy since I hadn't brushed it. I tried to push it down for it was floating also. But it didn't do much. I finally grabbed a hair tie and put it into a pony tail. Now that my hair was out the way, I moon walked over to the kitchen. I was parched, so I grabbed a glass that just so happened to swing by me, and turned on the faucet. But I didn't get any water in my cup. Instead, it shot straight up. ‘Eh, I wasn't that thirsty anyway.’”)

There is strong voice from the writer throughout the story. Readers can feel the writer’s frustration and amusement at the situation he/she finds when waking to a world with no gravity. (“ I once again ‘swam’ to the nearest street. I entered into a McDonald's fast food restaurant. As people ordered their food, they all started arguing. There seemed to be a hold up at the beginning of the line. A poor young boy was frantically trying his hardest to place the customer's order onto the tray. Another girl who worked there was trying to make a cheeseburger but when she squirted out the ketchup, it would just stay there and not stick onto the bun. ‘So much for eating,’ I thought to myself.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ As I looked at my hair and clothes, I realized that I was soaked, drenched in salt water. I didn't like this at all. All the water above us was blocking out the sun. I got a mouth full of salt water in my mouth. I tried to spit it out, but my spit didn't travel far. It was right in front of me. I lunged away so it wouldn't get on me.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

One warm summer morning, I woke up to the sound of birds chirping and the smell of flowers blooming. After I had laid in my bed for a while, I decided to get out of bed. But when I put my feet out of bed to get up, they didn't touch the ground! I looked down to see why my feet didn't touch the floor. What I discovered was that my bed and all of my furniture in my room was floating in the air! I was wondering what was going on! I knew I would have to get out of bed sometime and so I decided to do it right then. So I shut my eyes really tight and jumped!

After about a minute after I had jumped, (still closing my eyes), I realized that I had never touched the ground. I was so anxious to see what was happening. So I took a little peek out of my left eye and my feet weren't on the ground; I was floating in the air, not just my furniture, but me as well! I was floating! While I was floating around trying to catch all the candy that had escaped from my night stand jar, I realized that I was very hungry, but I knew my mom would be mad if I ate candy for breakfast. So I pushed myself toward the door and flew out the door. When I got to the kitchen, the table wasn't on the ground; it was also floating in the air, so was my breakfast for that matter!

I asked my mom, "How am I going to eat my breakfast?"

"I don't know, just figure something out. I have to go right now or I'm going to be late," she said.

"Okay, bye" I said as she scurried out the door. When she left, I turned around to see my little brother floating behind me.

"Hi Brit!" Tyler said.

"Wow!" I thought, "I guess right now it doesn't matter that he can't walk with his broken leg."

So I ate my breakfast while I was floating and it was especially hard to do because my eggs and my bacon kept floating away from me!

When I finished my breakfast it was past time to leave for school! So I flew to my room and I got dressed as fast as I could. After that, I dashed out of my room, grabbed my lunch, and flew out the door. Once I got to the bus stop, I realized that I didn't need to go on the bus; I could fly myself to school!

When I got to school, it was floating too. But there was a sign on it that said, "There will be no school today"! I was so excited! I flew back home and told my brother.

"Wow!" he said "This will be a fun day!"

"Yeah!"

We played all day. We jousted each other in the air, (that's a new invention!), and we rode bikes, scooters, and my ripstick in the air! We had a blast!

By dinnertime, my parents had gotten home and were making dinner. "Wow!" my mom said, "this has been the weirdest day ever!"

"Yeah!" we all agreed.

We ate dinner and got ready for bed. I was very comfortable to be floating about while I was in bed. We had a very good night's rest that night. We all dreamed about lollipops and sugar plums.

The next morning when I woke up, I jumped out of bed and to my surprise, I landed on the ground! But that's another story!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are well stated. The writer focuses the narrative completely on a day spent in a world without gravity. (“One warm summer morning, I woke up to the sound of birds chirping and the smell of flowers blooming. After I had laid in my bed for a while, I decided to get out of bed. But when I put my feet out of bed to get up, they didn't touch the ground! I looked down to see why my feet didn't touch the floor. What I discovered was that my bed and all of my furniture in my room was floating in the air! I was wondering what was going on! I knew I would have to get out of bed sometime and so I decided to do it right then. So I shut my eyes really tight and jumped!”)

The parts of the story relate to the main event. (“While I was floating around trying to catch all the candy that had escaped from my night stand jar, I realized that I was very hungry, but I knew my mom would be mad if I ate candy for breakfast. So I pushed myself toward the door and flew out the door. When I got to the kitchen, the table wasn't on the ground; it was also floating in the air, so was my breakfast for that matter!”)

The details in the story focus on the main event. The writer provides examples of some of the difficulties the character faces as she tries to cope with living in a world without gravity. (“So I ate my breakfast while I was floating and it was especially hard to do because my eggs and my bacon kept floating away from me!

Content & Development

Details are used to develop the main events of the story effectively. The writer consistently reveals the experiences of the main character as she navigates her way through a day without gravity. (“We played all day. We jousted each other in the air, (that's a new invention!), and we rode bikes, scooters, and my ripstick in the air! We had a blast! By dinnertime, my parents had gotten home and were making dinner. ‘Wow!’ my mom said, ‘this has been the weirdest day ever!’ ‘Yeah!’ we all agreed.”)

The setting is effectively developed with details. (“After about a minute after I had jumped, (still closing my eyes), I realized that I had never touched the ground. I was so anxious to see what was happening. So I took a little peek out of my left eye and my feet weren't on the ground; I was floating in the air, not just my furniture, but me as well! I was floating! While I was floating around trying to catch all the candy that had escaped from my night stand jar, I realized that I was very hungry, but I knew my mom would be mad if I ate candy for breakfast. So I pushed myself toward the door and flew out the door. When I got to the kitchen, the table wasn't on the ground; it was also floating in the air, so was my breakfast for that matter!”)

The plot is effectively developed. (“When I got to the kitchen, the table wasn't on the ground; it was also floating in the air, so was my breakfast for that matter! I asked my mom, ‘How am I going to eat my breakfast?’ ‘I don't know, just figure something out. I have to go right now or I'm going to be late,’ she said. ‘Okay, bye’ I said as she scurried out the door. When she left, I turned around to see my little brother floating behind me. ‘Hi Brit!’ Tyler said. ‘Wow!’ I thought, ‘I guess right now it doesn't matter that he can't walk with his broken leg.’ So I ate my breakfast while I was floating and it was especially hard to do because my eggs and my bacon kept floating away from me!”)

Organization

The story effectively grabs readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ One warm summer morning, I woke up to the sound of birds chirping and the smell of flowers blooming. After I had laid in my bed for a while, I decided to get out of bed. But when I put my feet out of bed to get up, they didn't touch the ground! I looked down to see why my feet didn't touch the floor. What I discovered was that my bed and all of my furniture in my room was floating in the air! I was wondering what was going on! I knew I would have to get out of bed sometime and so I decided to do it right then. So I shut my eyes really tight and jumped!”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. (“ After about a minute after I had jumped, (still closing my eyes), I realized that I had never touched the ground. I was so anxious to see what was happening. So I took a little peek out of my left eye and my feet weren't on the ground; I was floating in the air, not just my furniture, but me as well! I was floating! While I was floating around trying to catch all the candy that had escaped from my night stand jar, I realized that I was very hungry, but I knew my mom would be mad if I ate candy for breakfast.”)

The story includes an effective ending. (“ By dinnertime, my parents had gotten home and were making dinner. ‘Wow!’ my mom said, ‘this has been the weirdest day ever!’ ‘Yeah!’ we all agreed. We ate dinner and got ready for bed. I was very comfortable to be floating about while I was in bed. We had a very good night's rest that night. We all dreamed about lollipops and sugar plums. The next morning when I woke up, I jumped out of bed and to my surprise, I landed on the ground! But that's another story!”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good language use, voice, and style throughout the response. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with good voice and a clear sense of audience. There are also well-structured sentences with some variety .

The language and tone are consistent. (“ What I discovered was that my bed and all of my furniture in my room was floating in the air! I was wondering what was going on! I knew I would have to get out of bed sometime and so I decided to do it right then. So I shut my eyes really tight and jumped!”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the story. (“ While I was floating around trying to catch all the candy that had escaped from my night stand jar, I realized that I was very hungry, but I knew my mom would be mad if I ate candy for breakfast. So I pushed myself toward the door and flew out the door. When I got to the kitchen, the table wasn't on the ground; it was also floating in the air, so was my breakfast for that matter!”)

The writer employs good word choices to convey the excitement of the main character as she experiences a world without gravity. (“ When I finished my breakfast it was past time to leave for school! So I flew to my room and I got dressed as fast as I could. After that, I dashed out of my room, grabbed my lunch, and flew out the door. Once I got to the bus stop, I realized that I didn't need to go on the bus; I could fly myself to school!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“ I was so anxious to see what was happening. So I took a little peek out of my left eye and my feet weren't on the ground; I was floating in the air, not just my furniture, but me as well! I was floating!”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

One day, I woke up and my lamp bumped my head. Actually, I realized that I bumped the lamp; I was floating!

I wanted to go to the restroom, but my bed was blocking it. I thought how I would get over it. Then I thought when there's no gravity, wouldn't the bed be so light? When I tried to lift it up, it floated so high in the air it looked like it jumped on a trampoline. I did a frog-style and soon enough, I was at the bathroom. Then, I brushed my teeth and headed downstairs to the kitchen. When I tried to pour the milk in the bowl, it kept floating away from me!

Next, I swam outside to take a walk. Cars zoomed in the air by our house, every so quietly. Soon, I walked over to Mrs. Pie’s fence, and watched her water her garden, but the water wouldn't go down. She had to jump. Wait, she jumped! She always walked with a cane, and she never did any exercise, just water her plants. She thought that was a sport! I was amazed by everything I saw.

There was Mr. Sean walking his dog. I was in a daze because they were running in thin air. I stared while Mr. Sean waved at me, "It's a nice day isn't it?" I asked him, "Don't you think today's a little weird?" He replied, "No, but my dog was acting very awkward." Then he walked away. I slapped myself to see if I was dreaming, I wasn't. I decided to go back home and take an early nap.

Trying to sleep on the floor isn't very easy, so I slept on the ceiling! At first, I started to lie on the ceiling, then, I noticed that my pillow was floating around. I quickly grabbed my pillow and bed, then, I started to go to sleep. After about five minutes, I fell asleep. After an hour, I was under the bed! I realized that the gravity was working again! I was so happy!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains adequate focus and meaning in the essay. It reveals a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides descriptions and details that are relevant to the story.

The writer states the main event of the story adequately. (“One day, I woke up and my lamp bumped my head. Actually, I realized that I bumped the lamp; I was floating!”)

The writer focuses on the main event, the day the world was without gravity, throughout the essay. (“I wanted to go to the restroom, but my bed was blocking it. I thought how I would get over it. Then I thought when there's no gravity, wouldn't the bed be so light? When I tried to lift it up, it floated so high in the air it looked like it jumped on a trampoline. I did a frog-style and soon enough, I was at the bathroom.”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“Next, I swam outside to take a walk. Cars zoomed in the air by our house, every so quietly. Soon, I walked over to Mrs. Pie’s fence, and watched her water her garden, but the water wouldn't go down. She had to jump. Wait, she jumped! She always walked with a cane, and she never did any exercise, just water her plants. She thought that was a sport! I was amazed by everything I saw.”)

Details in the story focus on the main event. (“Trying to sleep on the floor isn't very easy, so I slept on the ceiling! At first, I started to lie on the ceiling, then, I noticed that my pillow was floating around. I quickly grabbed my pillow and bed, then, I started to go to sleep.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate in the response. The writer provides an adequately developed plot and setting with relevant and believable characters. The writer should elaborate with more descriptive details to make the story’s setting and characters more vivid in the readers’ mind. Although the details are adequate in the essay response, more emphasis on specific events and characters would enhance the overall story. The writer shares characters’ thoughts through some use of dialogue.

The writer’s use of dialogue in the narrative is adequate. (“Mr. Sean waved at me, ‘It's a nice day isn't it?’ I asked him, ‘Don't you think today's a little weird?’ He replied, ‘No, but my dog was acting very awkward.’ Then he walked away.”)

The writer provides adequate details that all relate to the main event. (“Trying to sleep on the floor isn't very easy, so I slept on the ceiling! At first, I started to lie on the ceiling, then, I noticed that my pillow was floating around. I quickly grabbed my pillow and bed, then, I started to go to sleep. After about five minutes, I fell asleep. After an hour, I was under the bed! I realized that the gravity was working again!”)

The writer briefly provides conflict in the story when the main character struggles to do everyday things like eating and getting to the restroom. (“I wanted to go to the restroom, but my bed was blocking it. I thought how I would get over it. Then I thought when there's no gravity, wouldn't the bed be so light? When I tried to lift it up, it floated so high in the air it looked like it jumped on a trampoline. I did a frog-style and soon enough, I was at the bathroom. Then, I brushed my teeth and headed downstairs to the kitchen. When I tried to pour the milk in the bowl, it kept floating away from me!”)

Organization

The brief introduction demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab readers’ attention by detailing the main character’s circumstance right from the beginning. (“ One day, I woke up and my lamp bumped my head. Actually, I realized that I bumped the lamp; I was floating!”)

The writer needs to use effective transitions to connect events in the story. By incorporating transitions throughout the narrative, the writer can assist the readers by carrying the story’s events to their ultimate conclusion. (“Next, I swam outside to take a walk. Cars zoomed in the air by our house, every so quietly. Soon, I walked over to Mrs. Pie’s fence, and watched her water her garden, but the water wouldn't go down. She had to jump. Wait, she jumped! She always walked with a cane, and she never did any exercise, just water her plants. She thought that was a sport! I was amazed by everything I saw. There was Mr. Sean walking his dog.”)

The story comes to a very abrupt end and lacks a summary or explanation that would give the intended audience a sense of how and why the gravity returned. (“ After about five minutes, I fell asleep. After an hour, I was under the bed! I realized that the gravity was working again! I was so happy!”)

Language Use & Style

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ I wanted to go to the restroom, but my bed was blocking it. I thought how I would get over it. Then I thought when there's no gravity, wouldn't the bed be so light? When I tried to lift it up, it floated so high in the air it looked like it jumped on a trampoline. I did a frog-style and soon enough, I was at the bathroom.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the essay. The writer provides language that adequately describes his/her encounters with others in the neighborhood coping in a world without gravity. (“ Next, I swam outside to take a walk. Cars zoomed in the air by our house, every so quietly. Soon, I walked over to Mrs. Pie’s fence, and watched her water her garden, but the water wouldn't go down. She had to jump. Wait, she jumped! She always walked with a cane, and she never did any exercise, just water her plants. She thought that was a sport! I was amazed by everything I saw.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the story. (“ Trying to sleep on the floor isn't very easy, so I slept on the ceiling! At first, I started to lie on the ceiling, then, I noticed that my pillow was floating around. I quickly grabbed my pillow and bed, then, I started to go to sleep. After about five minutes, I fell asleep. After an hour, I was under the bed! I realized that the gravity was working again!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure sentences have subject-verb agreement, end with appropriate punctuation marks, and begin with capital letters. Word selections should also be spelled and used correctly and paragraphs should be indicated with line breaks. (“ There was Mr. Sean walking his dog. I was in a daze because they were running in thin air. I stared while Mr. Sean waved at me, ‘It's a nice day isn't it?’ I asked him, ‘Don't you think today's a little weird?’ He replied, ‘No, but my dog was acting very awkward.’ Then he walked away. I slapped myself to see if I was dreaming, I wasn't. I decided to go back home and take an early nap.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

One day I woke up and I saw my bed floating in mid air. I was Shocked but then I saw everything in slow motion I think i have super powers I said self . I said I think I am dreaming but I was not .It was real life. I never saw this coming in whole life. Then I went out side cars were on trees dogs were on cars the school was up side down. It was weird one so many different levels.

It was not the great days of my life. It was awesome I was like a super hero every one was it was so cool somehow I made it to school when I got to room 10 I saw every body floating in there desk and MS.Gaspardo reading no taking in the air. every thing was the same cam'ron was still cam'ron but Aladdin he was not taking at all .Donovan was not taking that was I bit weird It was like being in an scary movie . It was like it was like any other day it was not cool . when it was lunch time it was kind of weird ms Gaspardo said we can live without gravity . The weird thing was last week we would have a story about a world without gravity it was like she mad this happen then i asked ms Gaspardo she said I don't know what is happening if i know i would tell but i don't Francisco. Then i heard people say it was the end of the world it was crazy the other people said that it was a army experiment I thought . I thought it was cool.

The next day there was still no gravity but at exactly 5:00 there was gravity it is like somebody just turned it off. But it was so cool having no gravity for one day. I wonder if it would be happening next year . That would be so cool if happens.

So that is the story about the world with out gravity . But i hope that one day it will happen that would be the best day ever. It would be back to normal but that is how I like it. so that was the end of that story that was so cool; being without gravity.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer states the main event of the story in a very limited way. (“One day I woke up and I saw my bed floating in mid air. I was Shocked but then I saw everything in slow motion I think i have super powers I said self .”)

Focus is limited in the essay. The writer focuses limited details on the experiences had at school and at home on a day when the force of gravity is not present. (“I made it to school when I got to room 10 I saw every body floating in there desk and MS.Gaspardo reading no taking in the air. every thing was the same cam'ron was still cam'ron but Aladdin he was not taking at all .Donovan was not taking that was I bit weird It was like being in an scary movie .”)

The writer provides limited examples in the essay. Because the writer touches upon ideas briefly and moves on to other thoughts so quickly, readers cannot thoughtfully grasp the full intent of the writer’s message. In providing more relevant details, readers will be able to fully appreciate the story unfolding in the writer’s mind. (“It was like it was like any other day it was not cool . when it was lunch time it was kind of weird ms Gaspardo said we can live without gravity . The weird thing was last week we would have a story about a world without gravity it was like she mad this happen then i asked ms Gaspardo she said I don't know what is happening if i know i would tell but i don't Francisco. Then i heard people say it was the end of the world it was crazy the other people said that it was a army experiment I thought . I thought it was cool.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The essay reveals a very limited plot, setting, and characters, and lacks sufficient details to make this more than a summary of a character experiencing a day without gravity. The writer discusses what happens at home and in school, but does not include enough relevant details to develop the plot and sequence of the story. Additionally, the writer does not implement the use of dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts in the narrative.

Although the writer provides brief information to state the purpose of the narrative, limited details are used to develop the main events of the story. (“One day I woke up and I saw my bed floating in mid air. I was Shocked but then I saw everything in slow motion I think i have super powers I said self . I said I think I am dreaming but I was not .It was real life. I never saw this coming in whole life. Then I went out side cars were on trees dogs were on cars the school was up side down.”)

The details about characters in the story are limited. The writer introduces his teacher and some classmates into the narrative, but does not describe them in any way. (“It was awesome I was like a super hero every one was it was so cool somehow I made it to school when I got to room 10 I saw every body floating in there desk and MS.Gaspardo reading no taking in the air. every thing was the same cam'ron was still cam'ron but Aladdin he was not taking at all .Donovan was not taking that was I bit weird It was like being in an scary movie .”)

The writer does not implement the use of dialogue in the narrative. By including dialogue, the writer can share the thoughts of characters in the story. (“The weird thing was last week we would have a story about a world without gravity it was like she mad this happen then i asked ms Gaspardo she said I don't know what is happening if i know i would tell but i don't Francisco. Then i heard people say it was the end of the world it was crazy the other people said that it was a army experiment I thought . I thought it was cool.”)

Organization

There is limited organization of main ideas and supporting details in the essay response. The writer provides an opening that may hold readers’ attention. The flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Subtle transitions are evident, but may be weak. The writer provides readers with only a limited sense of closure.

The beginning of the narrative attempts to grab readers’ attention in a way that would entice them to continue reading. The writer attempts to describe what he feels and sees as he awakes to a day without gravity. (“ One day I woke up and I saw my bed floating in mid air. I was Shocked but then I saw everything in slow motion I think i have super powers I said self . I said I think I am dreaming but I was not .It was real life. I never saw this coming in whole life. Then I went out side cars were on trees dogs were on cars the school was up side down. It was weird one so many different levels.”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story and lead readers through the essay. (“ The next day there was still no gravity but at exactly 5:00 there was gravity it is like somebody just turned it off. But it was so cool having no gravity for one day. I wonder if it would be happening next year . That would be so cool if happens. So that is the story about the world with out gravity . But i hope that one day it will happen that would be the best day ever. It would be back to normal but that is how I like it. so that was the end of that story that was so cool; being without gravity.”)

The writer does not provide an ending that gives the readers a strong sense of closure. The writer also misses the opportunity to share lessons learned or give the readers something to consider as the response draws to a close. (“ So that is the story about the world with out gravity . But i hope that one day it will happen that would be the best day ever. It would be back to normal but that is how I like it. so that was the end of that story that was so cool; being without gravity.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates a limited use of language, voice, and style in the essay. The essay reveals simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, the word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

The lengths of some of the sentences are short. (“ I said I think I am dreaming but I was not .It was real life. I never saw this coming in whole life.”) The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the story more interesting to the intended audience.

Oftentimes, the writer uses the same words within sentences. This repetition limits the writer’s ability to paint a clear picture of the events happening in the story. (“ Donovan was not taking that was I bit weird It was like being in an scary movie . It was like it was like any other day it was not cool . when it was lunch time it was kind of weird ms Gaspardo said we can live without gravity . The weird thing was last week we would have a story about a world without gravity it was like she mad this happen then i asked ms Gaspardo she said I don't know what is happening if i know i would tell but i don't Francisco. Then i heard people say it was the end of the world it was crazy the other people said that it was a army experiment I thought . I thought it was cool.”)

The sentences are too informal and word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“ The next day there was still no gravity but at exactly 5:00 there was gravity it is like somebody just turned it off. But it was so cool having no gravity for one day. I wonder if it would be happening next year . That would be so cool if happens.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, begin each sentence with a capital letter, indicate new paragraphs with line breaks, check for correct spelling of words, and ensure proper usage of words within the context of sentences. (“I was Shocked but then I saw everything in slow motion I think i have super powers I said self . I said I think I am dreaming but I was not .It was real life. I never saw this coming in whole life. Then I went out side cars were on trees dogs were on cars the school was up side down. It was weird one so many different levels.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

If there was no gravity I would float in the air, and difficualt to live.

If I was in a world with no gravity, I would float in the air. for example, My day would start like this, wake up in the morning by my alarm, and I hit my face on the ciling, then I will try to get dresed for school, but my cloth are floting every where it will maybe take me five minutes to get it, ( wasting my time ) then I would float to the kitchen, and poar milk on the floor and expect it to go up to my bowl, after that I would get a butterflynet, and catch the cirial, then eat it, by the time I wake up my mom and literalt fly to school. I would think Im late but every one was late, so they would probably change the school hours, living with no gravity would difficualt to go to the restroom, so someone probably invented a toilet on the ciling. I could only imagin an earthquake, instaid of everything crushing to the ground everything would be crushing to the air, and when its a huracane everything would be coming down to the ground instaid of up to the surface, I will never ride on an air plane again because it would probably spin around like crazy.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story only minimally states the main event of the story. (“If there was no gravity I would float in the air, and difficualt to live.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently enough to give readers a true sense of life without gravity. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“…then I would float to the kitchen, and poar milk on the floor and expect it to go up to my bowl, after that I would get a butterflynet, and catch the cirial, then eat it, by the time I wake up my mom and literalt fly to school. I would think Im late but every one was late, so they would probably change the school hours, living with no gravity would difficualt to go to the restroom, so someone probably invented a toilet on the ciling.”)

The writer’s details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“If I was in a world with no gravity, I would float in the air. for example, My day would start like this, wake up in the morning by my alarm, and I hit my face on the ciling, then I will try to get dresed for school, but my cloth are floting every where it will maybe take me five minutes to get it, ( wasting my time ) then I would float to the kitchen, and poar milk on the floor and expect it to go up to my bowl, after that I would get a butterflynet, and catch the cirial, then eat it, by the time I wake up my mom and literalt fly to school. I would think Im late but every one was late, so they would probably change the school hours, living with no gravity would difficualt to go to the restroom, so someone probably invented a toilet on the ciling.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. The story lacks tension or conflict to make it interesting. Little to no dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Only minimal details are used to develop the main events of the story. The plot is only minimally developed. The writer briefly addresses some experiences without gravity, but these ideas are not developed in a way that enhances the writer’s message. (“If I was in a world with no gravity, I would float in the air. for example, My day would start like this, wake up in the morning by my alarm, and I hit my face on the ciling, then I will try to get dresed for school, but my cloth are floting every where it will maybe take me five minutes to get it, ( wasting my time ) then I would float to the kitchen, and poar milk on the floor and expect it to go up to my bowl...”)

The writer does not provide a narrative that includes a detailed setting or characters. There are no descriptions of the setting, and the writer does not attempt to describe characters in any way. (“If there was no gravity I would float in the air, and difficualt to live. If I was in a world with no gravity, I would float in the air. for example, My day would start like this, wake up in the morning by my alarm, and I hit my face on the ciling, then I will try to get dresed for school, but my cloth are floting every where it will maybe take me five minutes to get it, ( wasting my time ) then I would float to the kitchen, and poar milk on the floor and expect it to go up to my bowl, after that I would get a butterflynet, and catch the cirial, then eat it, by the time I wake up my mom and literalt fly to school. I would think Im late but every one was late…”)

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is not employed in this essay. (“I could only imagin an earthquake, instaid of everything crushing to the ground everything would be crushing to the air, and when its a huracane everything would be coming down to the ground instaid of up to the surface, I will never ride on an air plane again because it would probably spin around like crazy.”)

Organization

The story attempts to grab readers’ attention in the beginning, however, the writer does not provide enough focused details to tell an engaging story about life in a world without gravity. (“ If there was no gravity I would float in the air, and difficualt to live. If I was in a world with no gravity, I would float in the air.”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. (“ If I was in a world with no gravity, I would float in the air. for example, My day would start like this, wake up in the morning by my alarm, and I hit my face on the ciling, then I will try to get dresed for school, but my cloth are floting every where it will maybe take me five minutes to get it, ( wasting my time ) then I would float to the kitchen, and poar milk on the floor and expect it to go up to my bowl, after that I would get a butterflynet, and catch the cirial, then eat it, by the time I wake up my mom and literalt fly to school.”) By including more effective transitions, the writer can create an effective flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence.

The story minimally demonstrates an ending. (“ I could only imagin an earthquake, instaid of everything crushing to the ground everything would be crushing to the air, and when its a huracane everything would be coming down to the ground instaid of up to the surface, I will never ride on an air plane again because it would probably spin around like crazy.”) The essay fails to reveal insightful lessons the writer may have learned through the experiences in the story, and it does not attempt to leave readers with too much to think about once the story is over.

Language Use & Style

Severe errors in syntax are evident. These errors impede readers’ ability to follow the writer’s narrative with understanding. (“ I could only imagin an earthquake, instaid of everything crushing to the ground everything would be crushing to the air, and when its a huracane everything would be coming down to the ground instaid of up to the surface, I will never ride on an air plane again because it would probably spin around like crazy.”)

There are several run-on sentences in the essay. The writer needs to phrase ideas in an effective way to clearly communicate events throughout the narrative. (“ If I was in a world with no gravity, I would float in the air. for example, My day would start like this, wake up in the morning by my alarm, and I hit my face on the ciling, then I will try to get dresed for school, but my cloth are floting every where it will maybe take me five minutes to get it, ( wasting my time ) then I would float to the kitchen, and poar milk on the floor and expect it to go up to my bowl, after that I would get a butterflynet, and catch the cirial, then eat it, by the time I wake up my mom and literalt fly to school.”)

The language is simple and repetitive. Word choices and sentence structure do not effectively communicate the writer’s story to the intended audience. (“ If there was no gravity I would float in the air, and difficualt to live. If I was in a world with no gravity, I would float in the air. for example, My day would start like this, wake up in the morning by my alarm, and I hit my face on the ciling, then I will try to get dresed for school, but my cloth are floting every where it will maybe take me five minutes to get it, ( wasting my time ) then I would float to the kitchen...”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized response. (“If I was in a world with no gravity, I would float in the air. for example, My day would start like this, wake up in the morning by my alarm, and I hit my face on the ciling, then I will try to get dresed for school, but my cloth are floting every where it will maybe take me five minutes to get it, ( wasting my time ) then I would float to the kitchen, and poar milk on the floor and expect it to go up to my bowl, after that I would get a butterflynet, and catch the cirial, then eat it, by the time I wake up my mom and literalt fly to school.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

If I woke up in a wold whith out gravity, I would go back to sleep and try to sleep and try to get back in the normal world. If we dont have no gravity the things that we drop it float and that will be pretty weard. And then people will think that we are magic I do wake back up in the right world I will tell my mom that is the weardes thing happened to me.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is stated, but the writer does not focus details to elaborate on the main theme of the story. (“ If I woke up in a wold whith out gravity, I would go back to sleep and try to sleep and try to get back in the normal world.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of intended audience. (“And then people will think that we are magic I do wake back up in the right world I will tell my mom that is the weardes thing happened to me.”)

The writer does not provide details that satisfy the purpose of the task. (“If I woke up in a wold whith out gravity, I would go back to sleep and try to sleep and try to get back in the normal world. If we dont have no gravity the things that we drop it float and that will be pretty weard. And then people will think that we are magic I do wake back up in the right world I will tell my mom that is the weardes thing happened to me.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer does not provide an identifiable plot and setting. Characters are introduced but not developed. The lack of events, tension, or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow; in other words, not much happens.

The setting is not developed and providing details about the characters’ surroundings helps readers imagine the scene in his/her mind. (“ If I woke up in a wold whith out gravity, I would go back to sleep and try to sleep and try to get back in the normal world. If we dont have no gravity the things that we drop it float and that will be pretty weard.”)

The writer mentions characters in the story, but they are not developed in detail. (“And then people will think that we are magic I do wake back up in the right world I will tell my mom that is the weardes thing happened to me.”)

There is no dialogue that reveals what the characters may think or say aloud. (“…I will tell my mom that is the weardes thing happened to me.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning because it does not clearly focus on telling a story that would reveal, in great detail, what the world would be like without gravity. (“ If I woke up in a wold whith out gravity, I would go back to sleep and try to sleep and try to get back in the normal world.”)

Events are severely lacking, and there are significant gaps in time sequence that hinder the flow of the story. (“ If we dont have no gravity the things that we drop it float and that will be pretty weard. And then people will think that we are magic I do wake back up in the right world I will tell my mom that is the weardes thing happened to me.”)

The story includes no identifiable ending that summarizes the theme of the prompt task. (“ And then people will think that we are magic I do wake back up in the right world I will tell my mom that is the weardes thing happened to me.”)

Language Use & Style

There are incorrect word choices employed within the context of some sentences. (“ If we dont have no gravity the things that we drop it float and that will be pretty weard. And then people will think that we are magic…”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ And then people will think that we are magic I do wake back up in the right world I will tell my mom that is the weardes thing happened to me.”)

There is no style reflected on the part of the writer in terms of word choices, organization, or sentence structure. (“If I woke up in a wold whith out gravity, I would go back to sleep and try to sleep and try to get back in the normal world. If we dont have no gravity the things that we drop it float and that will be pretty weard. And then people will think that we are magic I do wake back up in the right world I will tell my mom that is the weardes thing happened to me.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized response. The essay is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“If I woke up in a wold whith out gravity, I would go back to sleep and try to sleep and try to get back in the normal world. If we dont have no gravity the things that we drop it float and that will be pretty weard.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Adventure in a Blackout

Imagine that there is a thunderstorm one night, which causes a blackout for the whole town. The street lights are out, and people everywhere are in the dark. Everyone in the town has to use either a flashlight or a candle in order to see anything at all.

Write a story about an adventure that takes place during a blackout in your town.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

"Crackle, crackle!" Streaks of yellow, zigzagged lightning flashes across the midnight blue sky. Everything is perfectly normal with my dad watching TV, my sisters on computers, and my mom reading the newspaper. "Ring, ring!" My phone rings. My mom picks it up and commands, "Hello? Sydney ! It's for you!" I pick up the phone and it's my friend, Briana, asking for homework. All of a sudden another big streak of lightning flashes and everything is dark. My phone beeps then continually stops.

"Hello, hello?" I shout into the phone. Nothing. "Oops!" My sister bumps clumsily into me. My dad gets flashlights and hands each of us one. One of my sisters complains about how she can't do her homework on the computer. We all ignore her silently. Our neighbors came out to their front yard and looked into the sky. The lightning is intense with numerous streaks of lightning. We look up into the sky, too.

It's already been an hour with the blackout. Who knows when electricity will be back? Soon enough a police driving a car comes and warns us to not drive out because it's very dangerous with all of the streetlights out. He drives past our house and warns our neighbors, then disappears into the night. My sisters don't seem as concerned as my parents. Then the police comes back and shouts,"They predict that electricity will come back in about 5 hours!" Once again he disappears into the night. "5 hours!" Me and my sisters exclaim in disappointment.

It was exactly 5:07 p.m. when it happened. Across my house was my elementary school and I saw a couple of people. I told my parents and we went over. They were rowdy teenagers fooling around. We turned around not showing interest in them. We see our neighbor so we immediately open the door. "Come in, come in!" My mom welcomes them. My parents talk noisy to them about the blackout as I quietly go to my room and lay on my bed.

I grab my book. I read my book and watch my sister read on the bed, too. My eyes were hypnotized on the decorative glowing stars through the window. I kept looking at the stars when my mom popped out from the door and said, "Do you want any sandwiches?" She munched loudly while she talked. I quickly replied, "Sure." I took a sandwich and took tiny bites, every bite I took, I looked at the stars. All a sudden, I cried, " A shooting star!" My sister made a wish, then I made a wish, too. I wished that the blackout would end. I stared with a blank expression in my face as I read my book. I fell into my bed, going to sleep.

I suddenly woke up not remembering I fell asleep. Lights flashed into eyes. "There's no blackout!" I shouted happily as I jumped up. "What blackout?" My sister asks as usual. "Never mind." I say. I walk out of the room as the phone rings. My mom picks it up and commands, "Hello? Sydney ! It's for you!" I pick up the phone and it's my friend, Briana, asking for homework. "Again?" I thought in my mind. Then it's black again. It's a blackout again! "Deja vu!" I shout. I frown into the sky.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This writer establishes very effective focus and meaning. The story demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task, even going beyond the limits of the task, and provides description and details that are all relevant.

The story states the main event very effectively. (“It's already been an hour with the blackout. Who knows when electricity will be back?”)

In the beginning, the purpose of the story (to entertain) is clear. (“ ‘Crackle, crackle!’ Streaks of yellow, zigzagged lightning flashes across the midnight blue sky. Everything is perfectly normal with my dad watching TV, my sisters on computers, and my mom reading the newspaper. ‘Ring, ring!’ My phone rings. My mom picks it up and commands, ‘Hello? Sydney ! It's for you!’ I pick up the phone and it's my friend, Briana, asking for homework. All of a sudden another big streak of lightning flashes and everything is dark. My phone beeps then continually stops.”)

The setting (where and when the story takes place) is developed very effectively. (“ Our neighbors came out to their front yard and looked into the sky. The lightning is intense with numerous streaks of lightning. We look up into the sky, too. It's already been an hour with the blackout. Who knows when electricity will be back? Soon enough a police driving a car comes and warns us to not drive out because it's very dangerous with all of the streetlights out. He drives past our house and warns our neighbors, then disappears into the night.”)

The sensory words (words that describe how something looks, tastes, sounds, feels, or smells) are developed very effectively. (“‘Crackle, crackle!’ Streaks of yellow, zigzagged lightning flashes across the midnight blue sky.”)

Content & Development

Very effective content and development are provided in this story, with a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting and complex characters created. Furthermore, the writer clearly establishes tension, conflict, or a problem that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue is also used very effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

There is very effective sensory detail about the setting (how it looks, smells, feels, etc.). (“I grab my book. I read my book and watch my sister read on the bed, too. My eyes were hypnotized on the decorative glowing stars through the window.”)

Dialogue is used very effectively to illustrate the conflict. (“Then the police comes back and shouts, ‘They predict that electricity will come back in about 5 hours!’ Once again he disappears into the night. ‘5 hours!’ Me and my sisters exclaim in disappointment.”)

The plot is very effectively developed. (“It's already been an hour with the blackout. Who knows when electricity will be back? Soon enough a police driving a car comes and warns us to not drive out because it's very dangerous with all of the streetlights out. He drives past our house and warns our neighbors, then disappears into the night. My sisters don't seem as concerned as my parents. Then the police comes back and shouts, ‘They predict that electricity will come back in about 5 hours!’ Once again he disappears into the night. ‘5 hours!’ Me and my sisters exclaim in disappointment.”)

Details very effectively describe the problem in the story and why it is a problem. (“‘Hello, hello?’ I shout into the phone. Nothing. ‘Oops!’ My sister bumps clumsily into me. My dad gets flashlights and hands each of us one. One of my sisters complains about how she can't do her homework on the computer. We all ignore her silently. Our neighbors came out to their front yard and looked into the sky. The lightning is intense with numerous streaks of lightning. We look up into the sky, too.”)

Organization

Very effective organization is shown; the story captures readers’ attention with a clever opening. The story flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development, and it has an ending that pulls the entire story together, leaving readers with something to think about.

The beginning demonstrates a very effective attempt to grab readers’ attention with detail by including an exclamation. (“‘Crackle, crackle!’ Streaks of yellow, zigzagged lightning flashes across the midnight blue sky. Everything is perfectly normal with my dad watching TV, my sisters on computers, and my mom reading the newspaper. ‘Ring, ring!’ My phone rings. My mom picks it up and commands, ‘Hello? Sydney ! It's for you!’ I pick up the phone and it's my friend, Briana, asking for homework. All of a sudden another big streak of lightning flashes and everything is dark. My phone beeps then continually stops.”)

The mood in the beginning is set very effectively with sensory words (feels, smells, looks, sounds, etc.). (“Our neighbors came out to their front yard and looked into the sky. The lightning is intense with numerous streaks of lightning. We look up into the sky, too.”)

Transitions are very effectively used to make the beginning creative and exciting. (“All of a sudden another big streak of lightning flashes and everything is dark. My phone beeps then continually stops.”)

The ending very effectively includes a twist or surprise. (“I suddenly woke up not remembering I fell asleep. Lights flashed into eyes. ‘There's no blackout!’ I shouted happily as I jumped up. ‘What blackout?’ My sister asks as usual. ‘Never mind.’ I say. I walk out of the room as the phone rings. My mom picks it up and commands, ‘Hello? Sydney ! It's for you!’ I pick up the phone and it's my friend, Briana, asking for homework. ‘Again?’ I thought in my mind. Then it's black again. It's a blackout again! ‘Deja vu!’ I shout. I frown into the sky.”)

Language Use & Style

Very effective language use and style are conveyed throughout this story. The writing demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience; additionally, well-structured and varied sentences are seen throughout.

The second paragraph is aligned well with the first paragraph through language and tone. (“ ‘Crackle, crackle!’ Streaks of yellow, zigzagged lightning flashes across the midnight blue sky. Everything is perfectly normal with my dad watching TV, my sisters on computers, and my mom reading the newspaper. ‘Ring, ring!’ My phone rings. My mom picks it up and commands, ‘Hello? Sydney ! It's for you!’ I pick up the phone and it's my friend, Briana, asking for homework. All of a sudden another big streak of lightning flashes and everything is dark. My phone beeps then continually stops. …‘Hello, hello?’ I shout into the phone. Nothing. ‘Oops!’ My sister bumps clumsily into me. My dad gets flashlights and hands each of us one. One of my sisters complains about how she can't do her homework on the computer. We all ignore her silently. Our neighbors came out to their front yard and looked into the sky. The lightning is intense with numerous streaks of lightning. We look up into the sky, too.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the third and fourth paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“ It's already been an hour with the blackout. Who knows when electricity will be back? Soon enough a police driving a car comes and warns us to not drive out because it's very dangerous with all of the streetlights out. He drives past our house and warns our neighbors, then disappears into the night. My sisters don't seem as concerned as my parents. Then the police comes back and shouts, ‘They predict that electricity will come back in about 5 hours!’ Once again he disappears into the night. ‘5 hours!’ Me and my sisters exclaim in disappointment. …It was exactly 5:07 p.m. when it happened. Across my house was my elementary school and I saw a couple of people. I told my parents and we went over. They were rowdy teenagers fooling around. We turned around not showing interest in them. We see our neighbor so we immediately open the door. ‘Come in, come in!’ My mom welcomes them. My parents talk noisy to them about the blackout as I quietly go to my room and lay on my bed.”)

The compound sentence, “ All of a sudden another big streak of lightning flashes and everything is dark,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

This writer demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions with f ew er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ I read my book and watch my sister read on the bed, too. My eyes were hypnotized on the decorative glowing stars through the window.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

Crash ! The thunderstorm outside was crashing and flashing lightning. The rain splashed on the roof heavily above. It sounded as if someone was dropping marbles on it. All of a sudden, the light above me flickered and died. I took a few heavy deep breaths trying not to panic. I decided to get a flashlight. As if finding the cabinet in the dark wasn't enough, the flashlight didn't have any batteries. I had to struggle back to the living room and get a candle lit! The candle was nowhere near as good as a flashlight, but it still gave out a faint glow in the pitch black room. This was going to be difficult. Moving through the house with a candle, all night!!!

I tried to sleep. I really did. But I just couldn’t. The rain, the thunder, and the lightning kept me awake. So I decided to get a midnight snack. But as I made my way to the kitchen I realized that the fridge wasn't on. But then I heard a loud creaking sound coming through the side door. It was so slow. I froze cold. I wanted to run out of the house and and scream for help. But I could not. There was a shadow that darted across the room. I finally unfroze, rushing to the garage, and grabbing a golf club. I was ready when it came through the door. Finally the black figure came through the door! I raised my weapon, ready to strike. But then I realized what it was.

The next day, I returned my neighbor's cat. It had gotten through the half open side door. The electrical company also fixed the downed power lines. That was some night I thought to myself!

But that night, while I was laying in bed, the noise came again. But this time, it was louder. All of a sudden, the power went off again, but no storm. Then I heard footsteps coming down the long white hallway...to my room. My door started to creak, a little more every second. Seconds seemed like hours. I pinched my hand. I was not dreaming. The door slamed open in a flash! A tall dark figure approached me. I closed my eyes, waiting for something painful to happen. But what happens next is a big surprise. The figure took off his ski mask and he said ,"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!" I almost fainted. It was my best friend, Jeff. He remembered. But I really did not care, because at the end of the month, my electric bill was huge!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are demonstrated in this story. A general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task is conveyed to readers. Lastly, the story provides description and details that are all relevant.

The story states the main event well. (“ Crash ! The thunderstorm outside was crashing and flashing lightning. The rain splashed on the roof heavily above. It sounded as if someone was dropping marbles on it. All of a sudden, the light above me flickered and died. I took a few heavy deep breaths trying not to panic.”)

In the beginning, the purpose of the story (to entertain) is clear. (“Crash ! The thunderstorm outside was crashing and flashing lightning. The rain splashed on the roof heavily above. It sounded as if someone was dropping marbles on it. All of a sudden, the light above me flickered and died. I took a few heavy deep breaths trying not to panic. I decided to get a flashlight. As if finding the cabinet in the dark wasn't enough, the flashlight didn't have any batteries. I had to struggle back to the living room and get a candle lit! The candle was nowhere near as good as a flashlight, but it still gave out a faint glow in the pitch black room. This was going to be difficult. Moving through the house with a candle, all night!!!”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are developed well. (“I tried to sleep. I really did. But I just couldn’t. The rain, the thunder, and the lightning kept me awake. So I decided to get a midnight snack. But as I made my way to the kitchen I realized that the fridge wasn't on. But then I heard a loud creaking sound coming through the side door. It was so slow. I froze cold. I wanted to run out of the house and and scream for help. But I could not. There was a shadow that darted across the room. I finally unfroze, rushing to the garage, and grabbing a golf club. I was ready when it came through the door. Finally the black figure came through the door! I raised my weapon, ready to strike. But then I realized what it was.”)

The sensory words (words that describe how something looks, tastes, sounds, feels, or smells) are developed effectively. (“ Crash ! The thunderstorm outside was crashing and flashing lightning. The rain splashed on the roof heavily above. It sounded as if someone was dropping marbles on it.”)

Content & Development

Readers will notice good use of content and development within this story, as the writer provides a well-developed plot and setting and creates believable characters. The story also establishes tension/conflict/problem that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Some dialogue is used effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Detail is effectively used to develop the main events of the story. (“I tried to sleep. I really did. But I just couldn’t. The rain, the thunder, and the lightning kept me awake. So I decided to get a midnight snack. But as I made my way to the kitchen I realized that the fridge wasn't on. But then I heard a loud creaking sound coming through the side door. It was so slow. I froze cold. I wanted to run out of the house and and scream for help. But I could not. There was a shadow that darted across the room. I finally unfroze, rushing to the garage, and grabbing a golf club. I was ready when it came through the door. Finally the black figure came through the door! I raised my weapon, ready to strike. But then I realized what it was.”)

There is effective sensory detail about the setting (how it looks, smells, feels, etc.). (“ Crash ! The thunderstorm outside was crashing and flashing lightning. The rain splashed on the roof heavily above. It sounded as if someone was dropping marbles on it.”)

The dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud) is developed effectively. (“But what happens next is a big surprise. The figure took off his ski mask and he said , ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!’ I almost fainted. It was my best friend, Jeff. He remembered. But I really did not care, because at the end of the month, my electric bill was huge!”)

The outcome/resolution is effectively described. (“But that night, while I was laying in bed, the noise came again. But this time, it was louder. All of a sudden, the power went off again, but no storm. Then I heard footsteps coming down the long white hallway...to my room. My door started to creak, a little more every second. Seconds seemed like hours. I pinched my hand. I was not dreaming. The door slamed open in a flash! A tall dark figure approached me. I closed my eyes, waiting for something painful to happen. But what happens next is a big surprise. The figure took off his ski mask and he said , ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!’ I almost fainted. It was my best friend, Jeff. He remembered. But I really did not care, because at the end of the month, my electric bill was huge!”)

Organization

Good organization is seen throughout this story. The opening excites readers to continue reading. The story flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development and an ending that provides readers with a sense of completeness.

The beginning demonstrates an effective attempt to grab readers’ attention with detail by including an exclamation. (“ Crash ! The thunderstorm outside was crashing and flashing lightning. The rain splashed on the roof heavily above. It sounded as if someone was dropping marbles on it. All of a sudden, the light above me flickered and died. I took a few heavy deep breaths trying not to panic. I decided to get a flashlight. As if finding the cabinet in the dark wasn't enough, the flashlight didn't have any batteries. I had to struggle back to the living room and get a candle lit! The candle was nowhere near as good as a flashlight, but it still gave out a faint glow in the pitch black room. This was going to be difficult. Moving through the house with a candle, all night!!!”)

The mood in the beginning is set effectively with sensory words (feels, smells, looks, sounds, etc.). (“ Crash ! The thunderstorm outside was crashing and flashing lightning. The rain splashed on the roof heavily above. It sounded as if someone was dropping marbles on it. All of a sudden, the light above me flickered and died. I took a few heavy deep breaths trying not to panic. I decided to get a flashlight. As if finding the cabinet in the dark wasn't enough, the flashlight didn't have any batteries. I had to struggle back to the living room and get a candle lit! The candle was nowhere near as good as a flashlight, but it still gave out a faint glow in the pitch black room. This was going to be difficult. Moving through the house with a candle, all night!!!”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect events in the story. (“ The next day, I returned my neighbor's cat. It had gotten through the half open side door. The electrical company also fixed the downed power lines. That was some night I thought to myself! But that night, while I was laying in bed, the noise came again.”)

The story’s ending is creative. (“ But that night, while I was laying in bed, the noise came again. But this time, it was louder. All of a sudden, the power went off again, but no storm. Then I heard footsteps coming down the long white hallway...to my room. My door started to creak, a little more every second. Seconds seemed like hours. I pinched my hand. I was not dreaming. The door slamed open in a flash! A tall dark figure approached me. I closed my eyes, waiting for something painful to happen. But what happens next is a big surprise. The figure took off his ski mask and he said , ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!’ I almost fainted. It was my best friend, Jeff. He remembered. But I really did not care, because at the end of the month, my electric bill was huge!”)

Language Use & Style

Good use of language and style is apparent in this story. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; in addition, well-structured sentences with some variety are seen.

The language and tone are consistent in the writer’s use of creative word choice and variety in sentence length. (“ I tried to sleep. I really did. But I just couldn’t. The rain, the thunder, and the lightning kept me awake. So I decided to get a midnight snack. But as I made my way to the kitchen I realized that the fridge wasn't on. But then I heard a loud creaking sound coming through the side door. It was so slow. I froze cold. I wanted to run out of the house and and scream for help. But I could not. There was a shadow that darted across the room. I finally unfroze, rushing to the garage, and grabbing a golf club. I was ready when it came through the door. Finally the black figure came through the door! I raised my weapon, ready to strike. But then I realized what it was.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the second and third paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“ I tried to sleep. I really did. But I just couldn’t. The rain, the thunder, and the lightning kept me awake. So I decided to get a midnight snack. But as I made my way to the kitchen I realized that the fridge wasn't on. But then I heard a loud creaking sound coming through the side door. It was so slow. I froze cold. I wanted to run out of the house and and scream for help. But I could not. There was a shadow that darted across the room. I finally unfroze, rushing to the garage, and grabbing a golf club. I was ready when it came through the door. Finally the black figure came through the door! I raised my weapon, ready to strike. But then I realized what it was. …The next day, I returned my neighbor's cat. It had gotten through the half open side door. The electrical company also fixed the downed power lines. That was some night I thought to myself!”)

The complex sentence, “ All of a sudden, the light above me flickered and died,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of mechanics and conventions is demonstrated within this story. Few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling do not interfere with the message. For example, most sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ The next day, I returned my neighbor's cat. It had gotten through the half open side door. The electrical company also fixed the downed power lines. That was some night I thought to myself!”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

It was a day in August. I was walking home form the park. Over my head I saw some thunder clouds. "Oh no looks like there might be a thunder storm coming." After a couple minutes it started to rain and there was some light thunder. I hurried home and rang the door bell. Ding dong my Mom opened the door. "Jake you're soaking whet we need to get you in the shower" "Okay."

After I took a shower the storm was at full force, thunder was cracking, lightning was flashing and it was pouring down rain. Just as we were siting down for dinner there was a loud crack of thunder and purple thunder. ZZZZ the power went out. "Mom Dad were are you?" "Were in the kitchen." "OK, I'll find you." Click! My Mom turned on the flash light. "Jake get your laptop and check how long the blackout will last." "OK."

After I looked at it I played Gaia. "Burr it is cold." My sister said. "OK we will make a fire." My Dad got a lighter and lit the logs they were engulfed in flames. The fire illuminated the whole room. "Ah that's better." Since we did not have to eat dinner, we decided to have some bagels. My dad got some skewer and we put bagels on them. They tasted a little bit smoky, but it was good. Then my Mom boiled some water and put it fridge.

A little bit later some people were outside fixing the power line that fell down and the power was fixed by mourning. Over all the entire black out was kind of scary but a good experience.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Adequate focus and meaning are conveyed in this story, which demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Description and details are provided that are relevant to the story.

The story states the main event adequately. (“A little bit later some people were outside fixing the power line that fell down and the power was fixed by mourning. Over all the entire black out was kind of scary but a good experience.”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“After I took a shower the storm was at full force, thunder was cracking, lightning was flashing and it was pouring down rain. Just as we were siting down for dinner there was a loud crack of thunder and purple thunder. ZZZZ the power went out. ‘Mom Dad were are you?’ ‘Were in the kitchen.’ ‘OK, I'll find you.’ Click! My Mom turned on the flash light. ‘Jake get your laptop and check how long the blackout will last.’ ‘OK.’”)

The sensory words (words that describe how something looks, tastes, sound, feels, or smells) are adequately developed. (“After I looked at it I played Gaia. ‘Burr it is cold.’ My sister said. ‘OK we will make a fire.’ My Dad got a lighter and lit the logs they were engulfed in flames. The fire illuminated the whole room. ‘Ah that's better.’ Since we did not have to eat dinner, we decided to have some bagels. My dad got some skewer and we put bagels on them. They tasted a little bit smoky, but it was good. Then my Mom boiled some water and put it fridge.”)

There is adequate use of dialogue. (“After I took a shower the storm was at full force, thunder was cracking, lightning was flashing and it was pouring down rain. Just as we were siting down for dinner there was a loud crack of thunder and purple thunder. ZZZZ the power went out. ‘Mom Dad were are you?’ ‘Were in the kitchen.’ ‘OK, I'll find you.’ Click! My Mom turned on the flash light. ‘Jake get your laptop and check how long the blackout will last.’ ‘OK.’”)

Content & Development

The writer’s use of content and development is adequate. The story provides a reasonably developed plot and setting and creates believable characters. Furthermore, it establishes tension, conflict, or a problem that holds the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Some dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Details adequately describe the problem in the story. (“It was a day in August. I was walking home form the park. Over my head I saw some thunder clouds. ‘Oh no looks like there might be a thunder storm coming.’ After a couple minutes it started to rain and there was some light thunder. I hurried home and rang the door bell. Ding dong my Mom opened the door. ‘Jake you're soaking whet we need to get you in the shower’ ‘Okay.’”)

The setting is adequately developed with details. (“ It was a day in August. I was walking home form the park. Over my head I saw some thunder clouds. ‘Oh no looks like there might be a thunder storm coming.’ After a couple minutes it started to rain and there was some light thunder. I hurried home and rang the door bell.”)

The dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud) is developed adequately. (“After I took a shower the storm was at full force, thunder was cracking, lightning was flashing and it was pouring down rain. Just as we were siting down for dinner there was a loud crack of thunder and purple thunder. ZZZZ the power went out. ‘Mom Dad were are you?’ ‘Were in the kitchen.’ ‘OK, I'll find you.’ Click! My Mom turned on the flash light. ‘Jake get your laptop and check how long the blackout will last.’ ‘OK.’”)

The plot is adequately developed. (“After I looked at it I played Gaia. ‘Burr it is cold.’ My sister said. ‘OK we will make a fire.’ My Dad got a lighter and lit the logs they were engulfed in flames. The fire illuminated the whole room. ‘Ah that's better.’ Since we did not have to eat dinner, we decided to have some bagels. My dad got some skewer and we put bagels on them. They tasted a little bit smoky, but it was good. Then my Mom boiled some water and put it fridge.”)

Organization

This story features adequate use of organization. The writer provides an interesting opening to the story that keeps readers reading. The story also generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transitions to support sequential development.

The story grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ It was a day in August. I was walking home form the park. Over my head I saw some thunder clouds. ‘Oh no looks like there might be a thunder storm coming.’ After a couple minutes it started to rain and there was some light thunder. I hurried home and rang the door bell. Ding dong my Mom opened the door. ‘Jake you're soaking whet we need to get you in the shower’ ‘Okay.’”)

The mood in the beginning is set with sensory words (feels, smells, looks, sounds, etc.). (“ After I took a shower the storm was at full force, thunder was cracking, lightning was flashing and it was pouring down rain. Just as we were siting down for dinner there was a loud crack of thunder and purple thunder. ZZZZ the power went out.”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. (“ After I took a shower the storm was at full force, thunder was cracking, lightning was flashing and it was pouring down rain. Just as we were siting down for dinner there was a loud crack of thunder and purple thunder. … After I looked at it I played Gaia. … A little bit later some people were outside fixing the power line that fell down and the power was fixed by mourning.”)

The ending states a lesson the writer learned after completing the story. (“ A little bit later some people were outside fixing the power line that fell down and the power was fixed by mourning. Over all the entire black out was kind of scary but a good experience.”)

Language Use & Style

Adequate language use and style are featured in this story. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer also generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ It was a day in August. I was walking home form the park. Over my head I saw some thunder clouds. …After I took a shower the storm was at full force, thunder was cracking, lightning was flashing and it was pouring down rain. Just as we were siting down for dinner there was a loud crack of thunder and purple thunder. ZZZZ the power went out.”)

Exact and specific words such as “blackout” from the research and prompt task are used adequately. (“ A little bit later some people were outside fixing the power line that fell down and the power was fixed by mourning. Over all the entire black out was kind of scary but a good experience.”)

Although word choices are sometimes poor (“ A little bit later some people were outside fixing the power line that fell down and the power was fixed by mourning. Over all the entire black out was kind of scary but a good experience.”), there is some good use of word choice in the story. (“My Dad got a lighter and lit the logs they were engulfed in flames. The fire illuminated the whole room.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This story displays adequate control of mechanics and conventions. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, m any sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ A little bit later some people were outside fixing the power line that fell down and the power was fixed by mourning.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

One night I was playing video games and it suddenly the light turned off I got scared because we couldn't see but I heard my mom calling my name but after that we weren't scared any more because my dad found a flash light so he found us and took us out side because my mom was out side. a yard was big so my brother and I wouldn't trip over stuff or brake anything in side. My little brother was scared because my mom or dad wasn't with us wine the light went off. My little brother was so happy because my dad and mom found us. I was scared too because we couldn't see nothing all we saw was black because it was so dark.

Each time I tell my little brother about the black out he starts laughing because how scared we were that day. that day was the scariest day in my life. The next day every one was taking how scared they were that day. My mom and dad weren't scared but they were worried about us because they couldn't find us they that we were lost. Wine I hared my mom saying my little brothers name and my name we tried to follow her voice and she tried to follow our voice too. All the suddenly I felt some thing and the some thing was my mom.

The next day my uncle came back from Mexico and my mom tolled him what happen at night he was lucky he wasn't here wine that happen at night because if he was he would be tripping over stuff. He was happy that he wasn't here at night.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This story demonstrates limited focus and meaning with a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Description and details are provided that may not be relevant to the story.

The writer states the main event. (“ One night I was playing video games and it suddenly the light turned off I got scared because we couldn't see but I heard my mom calling my name but after that we weren't scared any more because my dad found a flash light so he found us and took us out side because my mom was out side.”)

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are limitedly stated. (“One night I was playing video games and it suddenly the light turned off I got scared because we couldn't see but I heard my mom calling my name but after that we weren't scared any more because my dad found a flash light so he found us and took us out side because my mom was out side. a yard was big so my brother and I wouldn't trip over stuff or brake anything in side. My little brother was scared because my mom or dad wasn't with us wine the light went off. My little brother was so happy because my dad and mom found us. I was scared too because we couldn't see nothing all we saw was black because it was so dark.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“Each time I tell my little brother about the black out he starts laughing because how scared we were that day. that day was the scariest day in my life. The next day every one was taking how scared they were that day. My mom and dad weren't scared but they were worried about us because they couldn't find us they that we were lost. Wine I hared my mom saying my little brothers name and my name we tried to follow her voice and she tried to follow our voice too. All the suddenly I felt some thing and the some thing was my mom.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development within the story. A dequately developed plot, setting, and characters are shown, but the story lacks sufficient detail to make it more than just a summary of what happens. Tension, conflict, or a problem may be stated but not developed. Little or no dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Limited detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“Each time I tell my little brother about the black out he starts laughing because how scared we were that day. that day was the scariest day in my life. The next day every one was taking how scared they were that day. My mom and dad weren't scared but they were worried about us because they couldn't find us they that we were lost. Wine I hared my mom saying my little brothers name and my name we tried to follow her voice and she tried to follow our voice too. All the suddenly I felt some thing and the some thing was my mom.”)

The setting is developed in only limited detail. (“One night I was playing video games and it suddenly the light turned off I got scared because we couldn't see but I heard my mom calling my name but after that we weren't scared any more because my dad found a flash light so he found us and took us out side because my mom was out side. a yard was big so my brother and I wouldn't trip over stuff or brake anything in side. My little brother was scared because my mom or dad wasn't with us wine the light went off. My little brother was so happy because my dad and mom found us. I was scared too because we couldn't see nothing all we saw was black because it was so dark.”)

The plot is limited. (“The next day my uncle came back from Mexico and my mom tolled him what happen at night he was lucky he wasn't here wine that happen at night because if he was he would be tripping over stuff. He was happy that he wasn't here at night.”)

Organization

Limited organization is evident in this story. The writer provides an adequate opening that may not hold the readers’ attention. The flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Transitions may be weak, although readers are provided with some sense of closure.

The beginning demonstrates a limited attempt to grab readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ One night I was playing video games and it suddenly the light turned off I got scared because we couldn't see but I heard my mom calling my name but after that we weren't scared any more because my dad found a flash light so he found us and took us out side because my mom was out side. a yard was big so my brother and I wouldn't trip over stuff or brake anything in side. My little brother was scared because my mom or dad wasn't with us wine the light went off. My little brother was so happy because my dad and mom found us. I was scared too because we couldn't see nothing all we saw was black because it was so dark.”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story and lead readers through the plot. (“ The next day my uncle came back from Mexico and my mom tolled him what happen at night he was lucky he wasn't here wine that happen at night because if he was he would be tripping over stuff.”)

The story includes a limited ending. (“ The next day my uncle came back from Mexico and my mom tolled him what happen at night he was lucky he wasn't here wine that happen at night because if he was he would be tripping over stuff. He was happy that he wasn't here at night.”)

Language Use & Style

Language use and style, as displayed within the content of this story, appear to be limited. The writing demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice and some awareness of audience and control of voice. Furthermore, it relies on simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“ One night I was playing video games and it suddenly the light turned off I got scared because we couldn't see but I heard my mom calling my name but after that we weren't scared any more because my dad found a flash light so he found us and took us out side because my mom was out side. a yard was big so my brother and I wouldn't trip over stuff or brake anything in side. My little brother was scared because my mom or dad wasn't with us wine the light went off. My little brother was so happy because my dad and mom found us. I was scared too because we couldn't see nothing all we saw was black because it was so dark.”)

Exact words are missing, such as the word “of” in the following sentence: “ Each time I tell my little brother about the black out he starts laughing because how scared we were that day.”

There is repetition, with the word “scared” used consistently. (“ Each time I tell my little brother about the black out he starts laughing because how scared we were that day. that day was the scariest day in my life. The next day every one was taking how scared they were that day. My mom and dad weren't scared but they were worried about us because they couldn't find us they that we were lost.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This story conveys limited control over the correct use of mechanics and conventions in standard written English. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message. For example, sentences do not all have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, or end with a punctuation mark. (“a yard was big so my brother and I wouldn't trip over stuff or brake anything in side. My little brother was scared because my mom or dad wasn't with us wine the light went off. My little brother was so happy because my dad and mom found us. I was scared too because we couldn't see nothing all we saw was black because it was so dark.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Story

I was at the rec center in af then, every thing went BLACK. I was in the steam room. Hey no steam. Whats up with that. lets get out of here i thought i heard someone yell for help. I was walking then all of the sudden plop found the pool. I thought i was the only one in the pool. I was not my friends were some were. Probably crieing. I swam around until I hit the wall. So then I got out. Nick came up and hit me. Oh its youisn't it nick. Doy. I am hungry o so am i.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Minimal focus and meaning are conveyed in this story. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides description and details that may stray from the point of the story.

The story only minimally states the main event. (“I was at the rec center in af then, every thing went BLACK. I was in the steam room. Hey no steam. Whats up with that. lets get out of here i thought i heard someone yell for help. I was walking then all of the sudden plop found the pool. I thought i was the only one in the pool. I was not my friends were some were. Probably crieing. I swam around until I hit the wall. So then I got out. Nick came up and hit me. Oh its youisn't it nick. Doy. I am hungry o so am i.”)

The events in the story are often not consistent with the prompt. (“I was walking then all of the sudden plop found the pool. I thought i was the only one in the pool. I was not my friends were some were. Probably crieing. I swam around until I hit the wall. So then I got out. Nick came up and hit me. Oh its youisn't it nick. Doy. I am hungry o so am i.”)

The audience for the story is often not clear. (“I was at the rec center in af then, every thing went BLACK. I was in the steam room. Hey no steam. Whats up with that. lets get out of here i thought i heard someone yell for help. I was walking then all of the sudden plop found the pool. I thought i was the only one in the pool. I was not my friends were some were. Probably crieing. I swam around until I hit the wall. So then I got out. Nick came up and hit me. Oh its youisn't it nick. Doy. I am hungry o so am i.”)

Content & Development

This story shows evidence of minimal content and development. It provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. In addition, the story lacks tension or conflict to create interest. Little or no dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Minimal detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“I was at the rec center in af then, every thing went BLACK. I was in the steam room. Hey no steam. Whats up with that. lets get out of here i thought i heard someone yell for help. I was walking then all of the sudden plop found the pool. I thought i was the only one in the pool. I was not my friends were some were. Probably crieing. I swam around until I hit the wall. So then I got out. Nick came up and hit me. Oh its youisn't it nick. Doy. I am hungry o so am i.”)

The setting is not developed in detail. (“ I was at the rec center in af then, every thing went BLACK. I was in the steam room. Hey no steam. Whats up with that.”)

The characters are not developed in detail. (“I swam around until I hit the wall. So then I got out. Nick came up and hit me. Oh its youisn't it nick. Doy. I am hungry o so am i.”)

The dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud) is not developed. (“I was at the rec center in af then, every thing went BLACK. I was in the steam room. Hey no steam. Whats up with that. lets get out of here i thought i heard someone yell for help. I was walking then all of the sudden plop found the pool. I thought i was the only one in the pool. I was not my friends were some were. Probably crieing. I swam around until I hit the wall. So then I got out. Nick came up and hit me. Oh its youisn't it nick. Doy. I am hungry o so am i.”)

Organization

This story is organized minimally. The flow may be difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. The story also shows little evidence of an appropriate ending.

The story does not effectively grab the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“I was at the rec center in af then, every thing went BLACK. I was in the steam room. Hey no steam. Whats up with that. lets get out of here i thought i heard someone yell for help. I was walking then all of the sudden plop found the pool. I thought i was the only one in the pool. I was not my friends were some were. Probably crieing. I swam around until I hit the wall. So then I got out. Nick came up and hit me. Oh its youisn't it nick. Doy. I am hungry o so am i.”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. (“ So then I got out. Nick came up and hit me.”)

The ending does not teach the readers a lesson. (“ So then I got out. Nick came up and hit me. Oh its youisn't it nick. Doy. I am hungry o so am i.”)

Language Use & Style

This story demonstrates minimal use of language and style. The writing shows evidence of poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience; additionally, basic errors in sentence structure and usage are present.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“I was at the rec center in af then, every thing went BLACK. I was in the steam room. Hey no steam. Whats up with that. lets get out of here i thought i heard someone yell for help. I was walking then all of the sudden plop found the pool. I thought i was the only one in the pool. I was not my friends were some were. Probably crieing. I swam around until I hit the wall. So then I got out. Nick came up and hit me. Oh its youisn't it nick. Doy. I am hungry o so am i.”)

Transitions are needed. (“I was at the rec center in af then, every thing went BLACK. I was in the steam room. Hey no steam. Whats up with that. lets get out of here i thought i heard someone yell for help. I was walking then all of the sudden plop found the pool. I thought i was the only one in the pool. I was not my friends were some were. Probably crieing. I swam around until I hit the wall.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate any purpose to the intended audience. (“I was at the rec center in af then, every thing went BLACK. I was in the steam room. Hey no steam. Whats up with that. lets get out of here i thought i heard someone yell for help. I was walking then all of the sudden plop found the pool. I thought i was the only one in the pool. I was not my friends were some were. Probably crieing. I swam around until I hit the wall. So then I got out. Nick came up and hit me. Oh its youisn't it nick. Doy. I am hungry o so am i.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Minimal control of mechanics and conventions is apparent in this story. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

The story does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), does not begin each sentence with a capital letter, and does not end each sentence with a punctuation mark. (“I was at the rec center in af then, every thing went BLACK. I was in the steam room. Hey no steam. Whats up with that. lets get out of here i thought i heard someone yell for help. I was walking then all of the sudden plop found the pool. I thought i was the only one in the pool. I was not my friends were some were. Probably crieing. I swam around until I hit the wall. So then I got out. Nick came up and hit me. Oh its youisn't it nick. Doy. I am hungry o so am i.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

It was a dark stormy night. Not fit out for man of beast. I was walking home from soccer practis. When I opened the door, my two youger sibelings jumped on me. My brothers 7 and his name Nico. My sister is 5 and her name is stephanie. and then

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of this story are inadequate. It demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story.

The story does not state the main event. (“It was a dark stormy night. Not fit out for man of beast. I was walking home from soccer practis. When I opened the door, my two youger sibelings jumped on me. My brothers 7 and his name Nico. My sister is 5 and her name is stephanie. and then”)

The audience for the story is not clear. (“It was a dark stormy night. Not fit out for man of beast. I was walking home from soccer practis. When I opened the door, my two youger sibelings jumped on me. My brothers 7 and his name Nico. My sister is 5 and her name is stephanie. and then”)

All parts of the story do not relate to the main event. (“It was a dark stormy night. Not fit out for man of beast. I was walking home from soccer practis. When I opened the door, my two youger sibelings jumped on me. My brothers 7 and his name Nico. My sister is 5 and her name is stephanie. and then”)

Content & Development

The content and development provided in this story are inadequate. The story l acks an identifiable plot and setting. Characters are introduced but not developed. Lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow.

The setting is not developed in detail. (“It was a dark stormy night. Not fit out for man of beast. I was walking home from soccer practis. When I opened the door, my two youger sibelings jumped on me. My brothers 7 and his name Nico. My sister is 5 and her name is stephanie. and then”)

The characters are not developed in detail. (“It was a dark stormy night. Not fit out for man of beast. I was walking home from soccer practis. When I opened the door, my two youger sibelings jumped on me. My brothers 7 and his name Nico. My sister is 5 and her name is stephanie. and then”)

There is no dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud). (“It was a dark stormy night. Not fit out for man of beast. I was walking home from soccer practis. When I opened the door, my two youger sibelings jumped on me. My brothers 7 and his name Nico. My sister is 5 and her name is stephanie. and then”)

Organization

This story demonstrates inadequate organization. It lacks basic organization (beginning, middle, and end) with serious gaps in sequencing of brief ideas. The lack of content also hinders the organization.

The beginning does not include background information about the event. (“It was a dark stormy night. Not fit out for man of beast. I was walking home from soccer practis. When I opened the door, my two youger sibelings jumped on me. My brothers 7 and his name Nico. My sister is 5 and her name is stephanie. and then”)

The story fails to include an appropriate ending. (“It was a dark stormy night. Not fit out for man of beast. I was walking home from soccer practis. When I opened the door, my two youger sibelings jumped on me. My brothers 7 and his name Nico. My sister is 5 and her name is stephanie. and then”)

The beginning and ending are not connected. (“It was a dark stormy night. Not fit out for man of beast. I was walking home from soccer practis. When I opened the door, my two youger sibelings jumped on me. My brothers 7 and his name Nico. My sister is 5 and her name is stephanie. and then”)

Language Use & Style

Inadequate language use and style are seen within the brief content of this story. The writing demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“It was a dark stormy night. Not fit out for man of beast. I was walking home from soccer practis. When I opened the door, my two youger sibelings jumped on me. My brothers 7 and his name Nico. My sister is 5 and her name is stephanie. and then”)

The story uses the same word (“my”) to begin two consecutive sentences. (“ My brothers 7 and his name Nico. My sister is 5 and her name is stephanie.”)

Exact words are missing. (“ My brothers 7 and his name Nico.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control over the use of mechanics and conventions in this brief story is inadequate. Errors are so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), does not begin each sentence with a capital letter, and does not end each sentence with a punctuation mark. (“It was a dark stormy night. Not fit out for man of beast. I was walking home from soccer practis. When I opened the door, my two youger sibelings jumped on me. My brothers 7 and his name Nico. My sister is 5 and her name is stephanie. and then”)

Adventures in a Haunted Mansion

Imagine that you are walking to school with a friend when you find yourselves in front of the scariest haunted mansion ever. You and your friend cannot resist the adventure, and you enter the mansion with only the contents of your backpacks to defend yourselves against any monsters you may find. As you roam through the mansion, you meet several monsters, but you and your friend are able to successfully defend yourselves and escape the mansion unharmed.

Write a creative story about your adventures fighting monsters in the scariest haunted mansion ever. Remember to use only items that might be in your backpack to defend yourself, and include sensory details to make your story come to life.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

A Building unlike Any Other

As Leila, my best friend, and I were talking about the houses we were passing by, Leila said, "I'm tired. Let's take a shortcut. "

"Okay," I replied back.

I let her lead the way through the unknown street. As we kept walking and talking, we were stopped by a sign. It read: BEWARE OF CREATURES LURKING. STAY OUT OF DARK PLACES. We looked at each other. Then we looked ahead. It was a horror. There was a dark path of cobblestone that was surrounded by blood-curdling trees. The path leads into the mist. A shiver ran down my spine.

"What do you think is in there?" I breathed.

"Let's find out." she answered. Before I could stop her, she was skipping towards the mist. I sighed and ran to catch up to her.

As we go far enough to see through the mist, an uninviting and murky house came into view. Slowly, we held hands and one step at a time we tip-toed up the steps. The door creaked open.

Something flew by my face. Was it a ghost? I didn't know. The walls were run down but some of them looked newer than the other ones. Luckily, there were some lit candles.

"Hello?" I echoed through the deserted building. No answer. Leila and I decided to explore and we suddenly arrived in a hallway. As we walked along the walls, our heads turned; we were intrigued. On the walls, there were many pictures and paintings of unknown people. I heard a sound. I tensed. "Did you hear that, Leila?" I whispered. "What noise?" Leila said. There was a glow. Suddenly something flew at me and hit my face. I got up right away and saw Leila right beside me. I saw a ghost. But it wasn't an ordinary ghost. This one was on fire. The fire flickered then disappeared. Then it came back again then it turned off. It was constantly flickering on and off.

"Leila," I said, "hand me my backpack." She reached down and handed me my backpack. I pulled my zipper of the backpack open and pulled out my social studies textbook, my heaviest book. I threw my backpack on the floor. I ran towards the ghost, as I ran I made up a name for that 'species'. Flamewrath I would call them. I whacked that Flamewrath with all my might. He fell to the floor and disappeared. I ran back to where Leila was standing and I grabbed her hand. I pulled her along as we went through the maze of doors, finding our way out. We opened the last door. Abruptly, a swarm of bats flew past my face. I pulled Leila close to me. The line of bats stopped Leila and I lifted up heads. But that was not all the monsters. Pairs of nauseating and glowing eyes filled the darkness of the room. Then, there was squeaking noises. Then I realized it was just rats. Leila and I pulled out our cheese sticks and got on the dusty chairs. We then threw the cheese far from the door. The rats scrambled desperately to the cheese. We entered the dark room. I pulled out a flashlight from my backpack.

"Just in case." I inquired, reading the confused expression on Leila's face.

The room was only illuminated by my flashlight, so we could only see a close distance. As I walked holding Leila's hand, I felt something or someone breathing on me. Leila and I turned around in sync. There stood a hideous monster spying on us. We ran. The monster followed. The room became a hall. When we ran far enough to catch my breath, Leila pulled and umbrella out of her backpack. I didn't even bother asking why she had that. She pressed a button on the handle and it expanded greatly. When finished expanding, it filled up the whole hall. She pressed another button and the umbrella became a force field. The monster banged and bashed on the force field but the force field wouldn't budge. The monster gave up and walked through the wall.

"You better keep that umbrella." I told Leila with a smirk.

We finally found a door that lead the room that we beforehand. We briskly ran down the path we came and dashed towards our houses.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and communicates ideas in a meaningful way. Throughout the narrative, the writer establishes and maintains an insightful central idea and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she completes all parts of the task using descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story and may go beyond the limits of the task.

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. Throughout the story, the writer builds anticipation for the adventures occurring in the haunted mansion. Readers are drawn into these experiences and can feel as though they are with the main characters as they battle the monsters. (“I ran back to where Leila was standing and I grabbed her hand. I pulled her along as we went through the maze of doors, finding our way out. We opened the last door. Abruptly, a swarm of bats flew past my face. I pulled Leila close to me. The line of bats stopped Leila and I lifted up heads. But that was not all the monsters. Pairs of nauseating and glowing eyes filled the darkness of the room. Then, there was squeaking noises. Then I realized it was just rats. Leila and I pulled out our cheese sticks and got on the dusty chairs. We then threw the cheese far from the door. The rats scrambled desperately to the cheese. We entered the dark room. I pulled out a flashlight from my backpack.”)

All of the details in the story focus on the main event. The readers are pulled into the scenarios, and relevant, effective details are provided to enhance the adventures occurring in the haunted mansion. (“There stood a hideous monster spying on us. We ran. The monster followed. The room became a hall. When we ran far enough to catch my breath, Leila pulled and umbrella out of her backpack. I didn't even bother asking why she had that. She pressed a button on the handle and it expanded greatly. When finished expanding, it filled up the whole hall. She pressed another button and the umbrella became a force field. The monster banged and bashed on the force field but the force field wouldn't budge. The monster gave up and walked through the wall.”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. All of the writer’s supporting details very effectively communicate the characters’ experiences in the haunted mansion. (“As we go far enough to see through the mist, an uninviting and murky house came into view. Slowly, we held hands and one step at a time we tip-toed up the steps. The door creaked open. Something flew by my face. Was it a ghost? I didn't know. The walls were run down but some of them looked newer than the other ones. Luckily, there were some lit candles. ‘Hello?’ I echoed through the deserted building. No answer. Leila and I decided to explore and we suddenly arrived in a hallway. As we walked along the walls, our heads turned; we were intrigued. On the walls, there were many pictures and paintings of unknown people. I heard a sound. I tensed. ‘Did you hear that, Leila?’ I whispered. ‘What noise?’ Leila said. There was a glow.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the narrative. The writer provides an engaging plot with complex characters that round out the narrative. The writer clearly establishes tension/conflict/a problem and builds to the revelation of the monsters hiding in the haunted mansion and the nail-biting experiences the main characters have in trying to escape. In doing so, the writer heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Additionally, dialogue may be used very effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

The characters included in the narrative are relevant and believable. (“As Leila, my best friend, and I were talking about the houses we were passing by, Leila said, ‘I'm tired. Let's take a shortcut.’ ‘Okay,’ I replied back. I let her lead the way through the unknown street. As we kept walking and talking, we were stopped by a sign. It read: BEWARE OF CREATURES LURKING. STAY OUT OF DARK PLACES. We looked at each other. Then we looked ahead. It was a horror. There was a dark path of cobblestone that was surrounded by blood-curdling trees. The path leads into the mist. A shiver ran down my spine. ‘What do you think is in there?’ I breathed. ‘Let's find out.’ she answered. Before I could stop her, she was skipping towards the mist. I sighed and ran to catch up to her.”)

There is very effective information about what happened before the event. In the beginning of the story, the readers find the main characters casually walking and talking, but then they suddenly realize that something menacing is coming into view. (“As we kept walking and talking, we were stopped by a sign. It read: BEWARE OF CREATURES LURKING. STAY OUT OF DARK PLACES. We looked at each other. Then we looked ahead. It was a horror. There was a dark path of cobblestone that was surrounded by blood-curdling trees. The path leads into the mist. A shiver ran down my spine. ‘What do you think is in there?’ I breathed. ‘Let's find out.’ she answered.”)

The writer provides relevant details about the monsters in the haunted mansion and the unique ways that the children try to fight them. (“Leila and I turned around in sync. There stood a hideous monster spying on us. We ran. The monster followed. The room became a hall. When we ran far enough to catch my breath, Leila pulled and umbrella out of her backpack. I didn't even bother asking why she had that. She pressed a button on the handle and it expanded greatly. When finished expanding, it filled up the whole hall. She pressed another button and the umbrella became a force field. The monster banged and bashed on the force field but the force field wouldn't budge.”)

Organization

The organization in the narrative is very effective. The writer captures the readers’ attention by providing a clever opening to the story. The writing flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development. Notably, the writer needs to provide an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The writer captures the readers’ attention by adding an element of suspense from the very beginning. (“As Leila, my best friend, and I were talking about the houses we were passing by, Leila said, ‘I'm tired. Let's take a shortcut.’ ‘Okay,’ I replied back. I let her lead the way through the unknown street. As we kept walking and talking, we were stopped by a sign. It read: BEWARE OF CREATURES LURKING. STAY OUT OF DARK PLACES. We looked at each other. Then we looked ahead. It was a horror. There was a dark path of cobblestone that was surrounded by blood-curdling trees. The path leads into the mist. A shiver ran down my spine.”)

Subtle transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“‘Hello?’ I echoed through the deserted building. No answer. Leila and I decided to explore and we suddenly arrived in a hallway. As we walked along the walls, our heads turned; we were intrigued. On the walls, there were many pictures and paintings of unknown people. I heard a sound. I tensed. ‘Did you hear that, Leila?’ I whispered. ‘What noise?’ Leila said. There was a glow. Suddenly something flew at me and hit my face.”)

The writer ends the story too abruptly. He/she should include additional details to lead the readers to a logical conclusion. (“We finally found a door that lead the room that we beforehand. We briskly ran down the path we came and dashed towards our houses.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is very effective in the narrative. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of intended audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the effectiveness of the story.

The writer incorporates precise language choices to effectively illustrate his/her experiences in a haunted mansion. By doing so, the readers can picture the scenarios in their minds. (“Abruptly, a swarm of bats flew past my face. I pulled Leila close to me. The line of bats stopped Leila and I lifted up heads. But that was not all the monsters. Pairs of nauseating and glowing eyes filled the darkness of the room. Then, there was squeaking noises. Then I realized it was just rats. Leila and I pulled out our cheese sticks and got on the dusty chairs. We then threw the cheese far from the door. The rats scrambled desperately to the cheese. We entered the dark room. I pulled out a flashlight from my backpack. ”)

Many of the sentence structures are short and choppy in portions of the story. By combining details that relate to one another, the writer can create a more richly crafted and effective narrative for the intended audience. (“The door creaked open. Something flew by my face. Was it a ghost? I didn't know. The walls were run down but some of them looked newer than the other ones. Luckily, there were some lit candles. ”)

There is strong voice from the writer throughout the story. The readers can feel the writer’s anticipation for what will come next in the haunted mansion. (“The room was only illuminated by my flashlight, so we could only see a close distance. As I walked holding Leila's hand, I felt something or someone breathing on me. Leila and I turned around in sync. There stood a hideous monster spying on us. We ran. The monster followed. The room became a hall. When we ran far enough to catch my breath, Leila pulled and umbrella out of her backpack. I didn't even bother asking why she had that. She pressed a button on the handle and it expanded greatly. When finished expanding, it filled up the whole hall. She pressed another button and the umbrella became a force field. The monster banged and bashed on the force field but the force field wouldn't budge. The monster gave up and walked through the wall. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“‘Hello?’ I echoed through the deserted building. No answer. Leila and I decided to explore and we suddenly arrived in a hallway. As we walked along the walls, our heads turned; we were intrigued. On the walls, there were many pictures and paintings of unknown people. I heard a sound. I tensed. ‘Did you hear that, Leila?’ I whispered. ‘What noise?’ Leila said. There was a glow. Suddenly something flew at me and hit my face. I got up right away and saw Leila right beside me. I saw a ghost. But it wasn't an ordinary ghost. This one was on fire. ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

The Mysterious House

One chilly October Monday, my friend Mary and I were walking to school glumly. We trudged along the dirt road, but paused suddenly in front of a crooked fence. That house looked as dirty as a mud puddle! Mary and I ignored school and decided to go in the mysterious house.

We tiptoed, silent as a mouse, up to the tall brown door that stood upon us. All I had in my school backpack was a hand-crank flashlight, my cell phone, a paper clip, pepper/garlic spray, and some sharpened pencils. I was frightened and intrested by this haunted-mansion-like house. I built up a courage and slid in the giant door. We looked from right to left and left to right. scritch scratch scitch scratch. The noise from our feet dragged along the damp floor and I stared at a flowing spiral staircase which seemed to reach the moon. I stopped at a red velvet door. I jiggled the door's delicate doorknob. I was not suprised that it was locked. The house seemed quite unusual. I searched for a key and didn't seem to find one. I thought about how I would open the locked door. I finally thought about the resources I had in my backpack. The paperclip! Of course, why didn't I think of that before!? I kindly asked Mary to help me pull my paper clip out. I pulled it into a thin line and jiggled again. The door opened with a creeeeaaaakkkk. I was nervous and I opened the door. RRROOAARR!! The sound was louder than a giant rocket. Out stepped a raging mad ogre! Aaaaahhh!!

Mary and I got really scared and quickly pulled out the flashlight and shined it bright on the massive ogre. It shrieked in horror and disapeared into the dark corner of the room. We rushed out of the room and quickly shut the door behind us. We both suggested to go up the silver staircase and opened the goldplated door. This time I knew exactly how to open the door. I took out the paperclip and let Mary open the door this time. She looked scared but agreed to open it. After a few moments, Mary whispered that she couldn't open the door. Now I just had to try. I shook and jiggled and wiggled and wobbled the door. It still wouldn't budge! Then I tried just pushing some circles on the door and something clicked. I turned the doorknob and it opened! Out popped a bat! No, wait, bat's don't have cape's right? Oh my gosh! It was a ferocious vampire! Now I was not as frightened by this monster but I still kind of panicked. I screamed for Mary to pull out the pepper and garlic spray out of my handy school backpack. I sprayed the dust on the creature and I heard a sizzle and closed my eyes. I was to petrified to look. I felt my way out the room and was terrified.

We both looked in my backpack and stared at my cell phone. This time I checked the time and it was already 12:13! Mary and I get out of school at 1:00 and we didn't want to worry our parents so we thought we would have enough time for one more door. By the time I put my phone away I heard a crumble, then a rumble, then a great big roar! As I bent down trying to find my balance, Mary tapped on me and we could tell the rumbling was over. Suddenly, with a gigantic boom, the most terrifying, bone shattering, creature we could ever imagine stood upon us. It was the. . . (drum roll please) mummy! It was filled with rolls of paper and was very grumpy. We raced down the stairs knowing the mummy could not run as fast as us but we were still too scared to take that risk. I clung on to Mary's hand as we scurried out of the door like we were on fire! When we made it to the tall brown door that towered over us and shut it. The door was too heavy and the mummy was catching up! Mary and I pushed and pushed as hard as we could to stop the mummy from getting out. With a final jerk of my hand I pushed the door to it's closed position and got to keep the mummy locked inside. Our backs were on the door pushing so the mummy couldn't open it. The pounding on the door finally stopped and we relaxed enough to let go.

After we got back on the sidewalk, we started walking to head home. We were relieved to finally get home and we couldn't have been any happier to return home and get a giant hug from my parents. I told them everything that happened and I couldn't get it out of my head. I wish I could show my family that mysterious house.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains good focus and communicates ideas meaningfully throughout the story. The writer establishes and maintains a clear central idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story and completes most parts of the task.

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are well stated. The writer focuses the narrative completely on adventures occurring in a haunted mansion. (“One chilly October Monday, my friend Mary and I were walking to school glumly. We trudged along the dirt road, but paused suddenly in front of a crooked fence. That house looked as dirty as a mud puddle! Mary and I ignored school and decided to go in the mysterious house.”)

All parts of the story relate to the main event. (“When we made it to the tall brown door that towered over us and shut it. The door was too heavy and the mummy was catching up! Mary and I pushed and pushed as hard as we could to stop the mummy from getting out. With a final jerk of my hand I pushed the door to it's closed position and got to keep the mummy locked inside. Our backs were on the door pushing so the mummy couldn't open it. The pounding on the door finally stopped and we relaxed enough to let go.”)

The writer illustrates the scenarios with descriptive details to assist the readers in imagining the adventures in their minds. (“We rushed out of the room and quickly shut the door behind us. We both suggested to go up the silver staircase and opened the goldplated door. This time I knew exactly how to open the door. I took out the paperclip and let Mary open the door this time. She looked scared but agreed to open it. After a few moments, Mary whispered that she couldn't open the door. Now I just had to try. I shook and jiggled and wiggled and wobbled the door. It still wouldn't budge! Then I tried just pushing some circles on the door and something clicked. I turned the doorknob and it opened! Out popped a bat! No, wait, bat's don't have cape's right? Oh my gosh! It was a ferocious vampire!”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer provides a well-developed plot and setting and introduces the readers to believable characters who impact the story. The writer establishes tension/conflict/a problem that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Additionally, dialogue may be used effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

The writer reveals the thoughts and experiences of the main characters through paraphrasing. However, incorporating actual dialogue between characters would provide more meaningful content and lead the readers through the story more effectively. (“Mary and I got really scared and quickly pulled out the flashlight and shined it bright on the massive ogre. It shrieked in horror and disapeared into the dark corner of the room. We rushed out of the room and quickly shut the door behind us. We both suggested to go up the silver staircase and opened the goldplated door. This time I knew exactly how to open the door. I took out the paperclip and let Mary open the door this time. She looked scared but agreed to open it. After a few moments, Mary whispered that she couldn't open the door. Now I just had to try. I shook and jiggled and wiggled and wobbled the door. It still wouldn't budge!”)

The setting is effectively developed with details that assist the readers in imagining the haunted mansion in their minds. (“We tiptoed, silent as a mouse, up to the tall brown door that stood upon us. All I had in my school backpack was a hand-crank flashlight, my cell phone, a paper clip, pepper/garlic spray, and some sharpened pencils. I was frightened and intrested by this haunted-mansion-like house. I built up a courage and slid in the giant door. We looked from right to left and left to right. scritch scratch scitch scratch. The noise from our feet dragged along the damp floor and I stared at a flowing spiral staircase which seemed to reach the moon. I stopped at a red velvet door. I jiggled the door's delicate doorknob. I was not suprised that it was locked. ”)

The plot is effectively developed and consistently reflects the requirements of the prompt task. (“We both looked in my backpack and stared at my cell phone. This time I checked the time and it was already 12:13! Mary and I get out of school at 1:00 and we didn't want to worry our parents so we thought we would have enough time for one more door. By the time I put my phone away I heard a crumble, then a rumble, then a great big roar! As I bent down trying to find my balance, Mary tapped on me and we could tell the rumbling was over. Suddenly, with a gigantic boom, the most terrifying, bone shattering, creature we could ever imagine stood upon us. It was the. . . (drum roll please) mummy! It was filled with rolls of paper and was very grumpy. We raced down the stairs knowing the mummy could not run as fast as us but we were still too scared to take that risk. I clung on to Mary's hand as we scurried out of the door like we were on fire!”)

Organization

There is good organization of ideas and events throughout the story. The opening of the story excites the readers to continue reading. The writing flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. The ending provides the readers with a sense of completeness.

The writer effectively engages the readers’ attention in the beginning of the story. (“One chilly October Monday, my friend Mary and I were walking to school glumly. We trudged along the dirt road, but paused suddenly in front of a crooked fence. That house looked as dirty as a mud puddle! Mary and I ignored school and decided to go in the mysterious house. ”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. However, the writer should incorporate more effective transitions to promote flow and sequence of events occurring in the story. (“As I bent down trying to find my balance, Mary tapped on me and we could tell the rumbling was over. Suddenly, with a gigantic boom, the most terrifying, bone shattering, creature we could ever imagine stood upon us. It was the. . . (drum roll please) mummy! It was filled with rolls of paper and was very grumpy. We raced down the stairs knowing the mummy could not run as fast as us but we were still too scared to take that risk. I clung on to Mary's hand as we scurried out of the door like we were on fire! When we made it to the tall brown door that towered over us and shut it. The door was too heavy and the mummy was catching up! ”)

The story contains a brief ending that gives the readers a sense of closure. (“After we got back on the sidewalk, we started walking to head home. We were relieved to finally get home and we couldn't have been any happier to return home and get a giant hug from my parents. I told them everything that happened and I couldn't get it out of my head. I wish I could show my family that mysterious house. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good language use, voice, and style throughout the narrative. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with good voice and a clear sense of audience. There are also well-structured sentences with some variety .

The language and tone are consistent. The writer describes some of the more terrifying events with descriptive details. (“It was a ferocious vampire! Now I was not as frightened by this monster but I still kind of panicked. I screamed for Mary to pull out the pepper and garlic spray out of my handy school backpack. I sprayed the dust on the creature and I heard a sizzle and closed my eyes. I was to petrified to look. I felt my way out the room and was terrified. ”)

The writer’s sentences tend to be short and choppy in portions of the narrative. The writer should consider creating more complex sentence structures to effectively convey some of the scary moments occurring in the haunted mansion. (“After a few moments, Mary whispered that she couldn't open the door. Now I just had to try. I shook and jiggled and wiggled and wobbled the door. It still wouldn't budge! Then I tried just pushing some circles on the door and something clicked. I turned the doorknob and it opened! Out popped a bat! No, wait, bat's don't have cape's right? Oh my gosh! It was a ferocious vampire! Now I was not as frightened by this monster but I still kind of panicked. I screamed for Mary to pull out the pepper and garlic spray out of my handy school backpack. ”)

The writer employs good word choices to convey some of the adventures occurring in the haunted house. (“As I bent down trying to find my balance, Mary tapped on me and we could tell the rumbling was over. Suddenly, with a gigantic boom, the most terrifying, bone shattering, creature we could ever imagine stood upon us. It was the. . . (drum roll please) mummy! It was filled with rolls of paper and was very grumpy. We raced down the stairs knowing the mummy could not run as fast as us but we were still too scared to take that risk. I clung on to Mary's hand as we scurried out of the door like we were on fire! ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“Mary and I got really scared and quickly pulled out the flashlight and shined it bright on the massive ogre. It shrieked in horror and disapeared into the dark corner of the room. We rushed out of the room and quickly shut the door behind us. We both suggested to go up the silver staircase and opened the goldplated door. This time I knew exactly how to open the door. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

The Haunted Mansion

One day on a bright afternoon a girl named Cara was getting ready for Cara's younger sister's birthday party, who was turning 5. When she was almost done with making the egg salad, cheese pizza, and red velvet cupcakes, Cara's mom shouted from the living room to the kitchen "Cara's please go to Public and buy some pink napkins and plates." Cara answered by saying "Okay mom." When she closed the front door she put her tiny backpack that had 4 pockets, a few books, also pencils, and her water bottle. As she walked to Public when Cara, saw a strange mansion that made the brightness of the day make it so gloomy instead. Cara thought to herself and said "maybe I can check the place out after I get the pink napkins and plates for the party." So after she, got the stuff she needed she put them in her backpack and went to the gloomy mansion's front door.

Knock Knock! Cara banged on the front door with her fist. When nobody answered she tried to open the door as it swung right open. Then as Cara walked in, she saw a grand staircase right in front of her. She was excited to see what was upstairs. As she climbed up the stairs she, felt like someone was watching her and someone was. When she got to the top of the staircase something, caught her eye. It looked like 3 scary sculptures of werewolves but then the sculptures of werewolves lunged at Cara. "Stop chasing me!" Cara screamed as she ran like crazy when an idea popped in her head. So she took out her books and threw them at the werewolves. It slowed them but enough time for Cara to hide in a bedroom when she saw 2 female pictures of vampires.

As Cara walked closer, the 2 female vampires jumped out of the picture and started to chase Cara and joined the werewolves. Cara was so scared to see 5 really scary monsters chasing her. Cara ran down the stairs, left and right, but the monsters were still on her tail. When Cara thought and thought of a plan to make sure that she could find a really good hiding spot and when the coast was clear would run out of this spooky mansion and go home. Another wonderful and brilliant idea had just popped into her smart little head. Cara reached into her backpack and pulled out all of the sharpest pencils in the whole universe. She threw all of them at the spooky and scary monsters but that only stopped them for a minute or two. She ran to an empty room full of jewelry.

When all of a sudden 2 zombies came out of the window and said ''ugh.'' "Again!" Cara murmured to herself and ran out of the room as the 2 zombies joined the rest of the group of monsters. All of a sudden the most spectacular idea popped into her head. Cara poured her water out of her water bottle. As she did, all the monster slipped and fell. Cara ran out of the door with all of her might until she came home. Her dad said "Where have you been?" Cara just said "Oh nowhere." She put the napkins and plates on the dining room table and then went outside to celebrate with her family for her younger sister's birthday.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and communicates ideas in a fairly meaningful way in the narrative. He/she establishes and maintains a central idea by providing descriptions and details that are relevant to the story. By doing so, the writer reveals a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and adequately completes many parts of the task.

The writer states the main event of the story adequately. (“When she closed the front door she put her tiny backpack that had 4 pockets, a few books, also pencils, and her water bottle. As she walked to Public when Cara, saw a strange mansion that made the brightness of the day make it so gloomy instead. Cara thought to herself and said ‘maybe I can check the place out after I get the pink napkins and plates for the party.’ So after she, got the stuff she needed she put them in her backpack and went to the gloomy mansion's front door.”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. The writer creates an adventure occurring in a haunted mansion with adequate focus and details. (“Knock Knock! Cara banged on the front door with her fist. When nobody answered she tried to open the door as it swung right open. Then as Cara walked in, she saw a grand staircase right in front of her. She was excited to see what was upstairs. As she climbed up the stairs she, felt like someone was watching her and someone was. When she got to the top of the staircase something, caught her eye. It looked like 3 scary sculptures of werewolves but then the sculptures of werewolves lunged at Cara. ‘Stop chasing me!’ Cara screamed as she ran like crazy when an idea popped in her head.”)

Details in the story focus on the main event. (“Another wonderful and brilliant idea had just popped into her smart little head. Cara reached into her backpack and pulled out all of the sharpest pencils in the whole universe. She threw all of them at the spooky and scary monsters but that only stopped them for a minute or two. She ran to an empty room full of jewelry.”)

Content & Development

The content and development of ideas is adequate in the narrative. The story includes a reasonably developed plot and setting with relevant and believable characters. The writer establishes tension/conflict/a problem that holds the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Additionally, he/she shares characters’ thoughts through the use of dialogue.

The writer’s use of dialogue in the narrative is adequate. (“One day on a bright afternoon a girl named Cara was getting ready for Cara's younger sister's birthday party, who was turning 5. When she was almost done with making the egg salad, cheese pizza, and red velvet cupcakes, Cara's mom shouted from the living room to the kitchen ‘Cara's please go to Public and buy some pink napkins and plates.’ Cara answered by saying ‘Okay mom.’ When she closed the front door she put her tiny backpack that had 4 pockets, a few books, also pencils, and her water bottle. As she walked to Public when Cara, saw a strange mansion that made the brightness of the day make it so gloomy instead. Cara thought to herself and said ‘maybe I can check the place out after I get the pink napkins and plates for the party.’”)

The writer provides adequate details that all relate to the main event. (“As Cara walked closer, the 2 female vampires jumped out of the picture and started to chase Cara and joined the werewolves. Cara was so scared to see 5 really scary monsters chasing her. Cara ran down the stairs, left and right, but the monsters were still on her tail. When Cara thought and thought of a plan to make sure that she could find a really good hiding spot and when the coast was clear would run out of this spooky mansion and go home.”)

The writer briefly provides a conflict in the story when the monsters continue to advance and Cara has to think quickly to defeat them with her backpack supplies. (“When all of a sudden 2 zombies came out of the window and said ‘ugh.’ ‘Again!’ Cara murmured to herself and ran out of the room as the 2 zombies joined the rest of the group of monsters. All of a sudden the most spectacular idea popped into her head. Cara poured her water out of her water bottle. As she did, all the monster slipped and fell. Cara ran out of the door with all of her might until she came home.”)

Organization

There is adequate organization in the narrative. The writer provides an interesting opening that keeps the readers reading. The story generally flows smoothly from one event to another with adequate transitions to support sequential development. The story’s ending gives the readers a sense of closure.

The beginning of the story demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by detailing the circumstances that brought the main character to the haunted mansion. (“One day on a bright afternoon a girl named Cara was getting ready for Cara's younger sister's birthday party, who was turning 5. When she was almost done with making the egg salad, cheese pizza, and red velvet cupcakes, Cara's mom shouted from the living room to the kitchen ‘Cara's please go to Public and buy some pink napkins and plates.’ Cara answered by saying ‘Okay mom.’ When she closed the front door she put her tiny backpack that had 4 pockets, a few books, also pencils, and her water bottle. As she walked to Public when Cara, saw a strange mansion that made the brightness of the day make it so gloomy instead. ”)

The writer needs to use more effective transitions to connect events occurring in the story. By incorporating transitions throughout the narrative, the writer can assist the readers by carrying the story’s events to their ultimate conclusion. (“When all of a sudden 2 zombies came out of the window and said ‘ugh.’ ‘Again!’ Cara murmured to herself and ran out of the room as the 2 zombies joined the rest of the group of monsters. All of a sudden the most spectacular idea popped into her head. Cara poured her water out of her water bottle. As she did, all the monster slipped and fell.”)

The story contains a very abrupt ending and lacks a summary or lesson learned that would give the intended audience a stronger sense of closure. (“Her dad said ‘Where have you been?’ Cara just said ‘Oh nowhere.’ She put the napkins and plates on the dining room table and then went outside to celebrate with her family for her younger sister's birthday. ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is adequate. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The narrative generally reveals correct sentence structure with some variety .

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“Knock Knock! Cara banged on the front door with her fist. When nobody answered she tried to open the door as it swung right open. Then as Cara walked in, she saw a grand staircase right in front of her. She was excited to see what was upstairs. ”)

The writer’s voice and style are adequately maintained throughout the narrative. He/she provides some sensory details that adequately describe the events occurring in the haunted mansion. This assists the readers in imagining the scenarios in their minds. (“One day on a bright afternoon a girl named Cara was getting ready for Cara's younger sister's birthday party, who was turning 5. When she was almost done with making the egg salad, cheese pizza, and red velvet cupcakes, Cara's mom shouted from the living room to the kitchen ‘Cara's please go to Public and buy some pink napkins and plates.’ Cara answered by saying ‘Okay mom.’ When she closed the front door she put her tiny backpack that had 4 pockets, a few books, also pencils, and her water bottle. As she walked to Public when Cara, saw a strange mansion that made the brightness of the day make it so gloomy instead. Cara thought to herself and said ‘maybe I can check the place out after I get the pink napkins and plates for the party.’ So after she, got the stuff she needed she put them in her backpack and went to the gloomy mansion's front door. ”)

There is some repetitive, informal language that should be avoided. Phrases like “All of a sudden the most spectacular idea popped into her head…” are distracting and affect the credibility of the writer. (“When Cara thought and thought of a plan to make sure that she could find a really good hiding spot and when the coast was clear would run out of this spooky mansion and go home. Another wonderful and brilliant idea had just popped into her smart little head.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure sentences have subject-verb agreement, end with appropriate punctuation marks, and begin with capital letters. Word selections should also be spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs should be indicated with line breaks. (“‘Again!’ Cara murmured to herself and ran out of the room as the 2 zombies joined the rest of the group of monsters. All of a sudden the most spectacular idea popped into her head. Cara poured her water out of her water bottle. As she did, all the monster slipped and fell. Cara ran out of the door with all of her might until she came home. Her dad said ‘Where have you been?’ Cara just said ‘Oh nowhere.’ She put the napkins and plates on the dining room table and then went outside to celebrate with her family for her younger sister's birthday. ”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

"That House"

As Ethan and I were walking back home from school we thought about "that house" on the end of the street. We were wondering if we dare enter. Since it was minimum day and our parents forgot we might as well go in. We moved up the old jagged stairs to find our selfs in front of a giant door. For some reason the door open ajar by its self.

We steped in and looked around us there were old books and all the windows were covered with old torn up cloth. We saw one humgus paniting of a man who looked like he was from the eighteenth cenurary. Below it said "In god we trust". Just as I finished read we heared a very high pich screem. We followed it to its source and we found Justin tied up! It looked like a giant spider about to eat him! Justin screemed, "Your just in time"!

I told Ethan to hold my backpack while I pulled out a pair of scissors and choped off the spiders legs one by one. The spider layed spraled out on the floor while me and Ethan untied Justin. The three of us escaped from the room and we tired to open the door but we couldn't. An eary voice said "If your trying to escape like everyone else you will have to find anther way. We had no other choice but to open every door posible. When we opened the first door we found skletons around the room.

We all had no idea what reason there were here for. We soon then knew, out of thin air there was a ghost. It faintly looked a man. Then I rembered the ghost looked like the man in the giant painting.

Ethan and I pulled out our sharpest pencils I also handed one to Justin. We all tried to cut through him but we just went through. The ghost just stood there like nothing happend. I then remembered about the sentence. "In god we trust" then the ghost faded away. All through the house all the rooms looked the same as the first.

Just about as we were about to give up sunlight peeked through the door we were all so releaved to be finally out. All three of us ran home as fast as we could. We made it home just when we were suppoesd to be home.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the narrative. The writer establishes and maintains a limited central idea and demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she provides limited descriptions and details that may not be relevant to the story or that would give the readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The writer states the main event of the story in a very limited way. (“As Ethan and I were walking back home from school we thought about ‘that house’ on the end of the street. We were wondering if we dare enter. Since it was minimum day and our parents forgot we might as well go in. We moved up the old jagged stairs to find our selfs in front of a giant door. For some reason the door open ajar by its self.”)

The writer devotes limited details to some events occurring in the story. For example, when the children first enter the haunted mansion, they rescue another child named Justin. This scene leaves the readers wondering who the child is and how he got there. (“We steped in and looked around us there were old books and all the windows were covered with old torn up cloth. We saw one humgus paniting of a man who looked like he was from the eighteenth cenurary. Below it said ‘In god we trust’. Just as I finished read we heared a very high pich screem. We followed it to its source and we found Justin tied up! It looked like a giant spider about to eat him! Justin screemed, ‘Your just in time’!”)

The writer needs to provide more relevant details so the readers will be able to fully appreciate the story unfolding in the writer’s mind. (“Just about as we were about to give up sunlight peeked through the door we were all so releaved to be finally out. All three of us ran home as fast as we could. We made it home just when we were suppoesd to be home.”)

Content & Development

The narrative reveals limited content and development. The writer provides an adequately developed plot, setting, and characters, but lacks sufficient details to make this more than a summary of what happens in the story. A problem may be stated but is not developed sufficiently. Some dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Although the writer provides brief information to state the purpose of the narrative, limited details are used to develop the main events of the story. (“We steped in and looked around us there were old books and all the windows were covered with old torn up cloth. We saw one humgus paniting of a man who looked like he was from the eighteenth cenurary. Below it said ‘In god we trust’. Just as I finished read we heared a very high pich screem. We followed it to its source and we found Justin tied up! It looked like a giant spider about to eat him! Justin screemed, ‘Your just in time’!”)

The details about characters in the story are limited. The writer introduces a character named Justin, but does not describe him or his connection to the other characters in any way. (“I told Ethan to hold my backpack while I pulled out a pair of scissors and choped off the spiders legs one by one. The spider layed spraled out on the floor while me and Ethan untied Justin. The three of us escaped from the room and we tired to open the door but we couldn't.”)

The writer does not implement sufficient use of dialogue in the narrative. By including dialogue, the writer can share the thoughts of characters in the story. (“Ethan and I pulled out our sharpest pencils I also handed one to Justin. We all tried to cut through him but we just went through. The ghost just stood there like nothing happend. I then remembered about the sentence. ‘In god we trust’ then the ghost faded away. All through the house all the rooms looked the same as the first.”)

Organization

There is limited organization of main ideas and supporting details in the narrative. The writer provides an opening that may hold the readers’ attention. The flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Subtle transitions are evident but may be weak. The writer does not provide the readers with some sense of closure.

The writer grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning by creating an initial scenario that entices the readers to continue reading. (“As Ethan and I were walking back home from school we thought about ‘that house’ on the end of the street. We were wondering if we dare enter. Since it was minimum day and our parents forgot we might as well go in. We moved up the old jagged stairs to find our selfs in front of a giant door. For some reason the door open ajar by its self. ”)

Transitions were not used to effectively connect events in the story. (“I told Ethan to hold my backpack while I pulled out a pair of scissors and choped off the spiders legs one by one. The spider layed spraled out on the floor while me and Ethan untied Justin. The three of us escaped from the room and we tired to open the door but we couldn't. An eary voice said ‘If your trying to escape like everyone else you will have to find anther way. We had no other choice but to open every door posible. When we opened the first door we found skletons around the room. ”)

The writer does not provide an interesting ending that gives the readers a strong sense of closure. At the very end of the story, the writer simply reveals that the children went home. (“Just about as we were about to give up sunlight peeked through the door we were all so releaved to be finally out. All three of us ran home as fast as we could. We made it home just when we were suppoesd to be home. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited use of language, voice, and style in the narrative. The story reveals simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience, and some control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, the word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

The lengths of some of the sentences are short. The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the story more interesting to the intended audience. (“We all tried to cut through him but we just went through. The ghost just stood there like nothing happend. I then remembered about the sentence. ‘In god we trust’ then the ghost faded away. All through the house all the rooms looked the same as the first. ”)

Sentence structures are weak, and they do not effectively communicate the writer’s ideas to the intended audience. (“The spider layed spraled out on the floor while me and Ethan untied Justin. The three of us escaped from the room and we tired to open the door but we couldn't. ”)

The re is repetition in portions of the narrative. (“Just about as we were about to give up sunlight peeked through the door we were all so releaved to be finally out. All three of us ran home as fast as we could. We made it home just when we were suppoesd to be home. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The control of mechanics and conventions is limited in the narrative. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, begin each sentence with a capital letter, indicate new paragraphs with line breaks, check for correct spelling of words, and ensure proper usage of words within the context of sentences. (“We steped in and looked around us there were old books and all the windows were covered with old torn up cloth. We saw one humgus paniting of a man who looked like he was from the eighteenth cenurary. Below it said ‘In god we trust’. Just as I finished read we heared a very high pich screem.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

One morning Charles and I werewalking to school when we came to a mansion. It was very big and scary. We thought we could go and check it out. But first we had to check what was in our backpacks. We had scizzors, glue, pencils, paper, binder, and crayons.

After we seen what was in are backpack we went in and opened the door we seen a bookshelf. On the bookshelf was a big monster that was green. Charles was going to grab something out of his backpack he made a noise. Then the monster looked at him and Charles hit him with a book and knocked him out.

Then we ran from it to another room. Then we seen another monster and then I reached into my backpack then I grabbed a pair of scizzors and poked him in the eye then we ran to the kitchen table.

Then I seen a huge monster in the laundry room so I grabbed my pencil and pocked him in his leg then I seen a back door and I ran out of it and went to school.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the narrative. He/she establishes a vague central idea and demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The narrative includes descriptions and details that may stray from the point of the story. On the whole, the writer completes few parts of the task.

The writer only minimally states the main event of the story. (“One morning Charles and I werewalking to school when we came to a mansion. It was very big and scary.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give the readers a true sense of the adventure occurring in the haunted mansion. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“We thought we could go and check it out. But first we had to check what was in our backpacks. We had scizzors, glue, pencils, paper, binder, and crayons.”)

The writer’s details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event do not help to maintain the focus on the controlling idea of the story. (“Then we ran from it to another room. Then we seen another monster and then I reached into my backpack then I grabbed a pair of scizzors and poked him in the eye then we ran to the kitchen table. Then I seen a huge monster in the laundry room so I grabbed my pencil and pocked him in his leg then I seen a back door and I ran out of it and went to school.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include information that detracts from the story. The story lacks tension or conflict to make the story interesting. Little to no dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Only minimal details are used to develop the main events of the story. The plot is only minimally developed. The writer briefly addresses the monsters in the haunted house and how the characters fight them off, but these ideas are not developed in a way that enhances the overall message. (“After we seen what was in are backpack we went in and opened the door we seen a bookshelf. On the bookshelf was a big monster that was green. Charles was going to grab something out of his backpack he made a noise. Then the monster looked at him and Charles hit him with a book and knocked him out.”)

The writer does not provide a narrative that includes a detailed setting or characters. There are minimal descriptions of the setting, and the writer does not attempt to describe the characters in any way. (“One morning Charles and I werewalking to school when we came to a mansion. It was very big and scary. We thought we could go and check it out. But first we had to check what was in our backpacks. We had scizzors, glue, pencils, paper, binder, and crayons.”)

The writer misses the opportunity to incorporate dialogue into the story to reveal what the characters think or say aloud. (“Then we ran from it to another room. Then we seen another monster and then I reached into my backpack then I grabbed a pair of scizzors and poked him in the eye then we ran to the kitchen table.

Then I seen a huge monster in the laundry room so I grabbed my pencil and pocked him in his leg then I seen a back door and I ran out of it and went to school.”)

Organization

The narrative’s organization is also minimal. The writer provides an opening that minimally reveals the theme of the story. The flow of the story is very difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. Furthermore, the narrative demonstrates little evidence of a strong ending.

The writer attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the story by briefly describing the setting; however, the opening minimally reveals the theme of the story. (“One morning Charles and I werewalking to school when we came to a mansion. It was very big and scary. We thought we could go and check it out. But first we had to check what was in our backpacks. We had scizzors, glue, pencils, paper, binder, and crayons. ”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. (“After we seen what was in are backpack we went in and opened the door we seen a bookshelf. On the bookshelf was a big monster that was green. Charles was going to grab something out of his backpack he made a noise. Then the monster looked at him and Charles hit him with a book and knocked him out. ”) By including more effective transitions, the writer can create an effective flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence.

The story’s ending is minimal as well. The writer does not attempt to leave the readers with too much to think about once the story ends and fails to give the readers a sense of closure. (“Then I seen a huge monster in the laundry room so I grabbed my pencil and pocked him in his leg then I seen a back door and I ran out of it and went to school.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is minimal in the narrative. The writer demonstrates simple language and word choice with little awareness of audience. The narrative also displays basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Words are used incorrectly and errors in syntax are evident. These errors impede the readers’ ability to follow the writer’s narrative with understanding. (“After we seen what was in are backpack we went in and opened the door we seen a bookshelf. ”)

There are several run-on sentences in the narrative. The writer needs to phrase ideas in an effective way to clearly communicate events occurring throughout the narrative. (“Then I seen a huge monster in the laundry room so I grabbed my pencil and pocked him in his leg then I seen a back door and I ran out of it and went to school. ”)

The language is simple and repetitive. Word choices and sentence structures do not effectively communicate the writer’s story to the intended audience. (“Then we ran from it to another room. Then we seen another monster and then I reached into my backpack then I grabbed a pair of scizzors and poked him in the eye then we ran to the kitchen table. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is minimal in the narrative. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the narrative exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized and meaningful story. (“We had scizzors, glue, pencils, paper, binder, and crayons. After we seen what was in are backpack we went in and opened the door we seen a bookshelf.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Haunted House

On Halloween me and my friend was walking to school around the houses intill we saw a Haunted House. For no reason we walk in the haunted house we saw that it was so drity the house was rickey the kitchen water was runing then we went to the table and it was broken we saw that the chairs were broken and then we saw the book shelf it had a creepy black spider. heard a nosie in the basement we went to go look at it we saw a creepy thing it had BIG yellow teeth and BIG feet it had claws that was scary it had GLOWING eyes and a pointy nose with alot of fur on his legs. he had BIG FAT ears and the color was DARK BROWN with a little bit of black it looked really nasty it was eating GREEN STUFF. Me and my friend walk really slowly intill I triped I made a LOUD nosie he got up and we RAN down the stairs. My friend said he is going to eat ussssss

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is inadequate focus and meaning in the narrative. The writer establishes little or no central idea and d emonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story. Overall, the writer barely completes any parts of the task.

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is marginally stated and the writer does not focus details to elaborate on the main theme of the story. (“On Halloween me and my friend was walking to school around the houses intill we saw a Haunted House. ”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of the intended audience. (“heard a nosie in the basement we went to go look at it we saw a creepy thing it had BIG yellow teeth and BIG feet it had claws that was scary it had GLOWING eyes and a pointy nose with alot of fur on his legs.”)

The writer does not provide details that satisfy the purpose of the task. For example, he/she does not reveal the items in the backpack that would help him/her ward off the monsters in the haunted house. (“Me and my friend walk really slowly intill I triped I made a LOUD nosie he got up and we RAN down the stairs. My friend said he is going to eat ussssss”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer does not provide an identifiable plot and setting, and characters are introduced but not developed. The lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow; in other words, not much happens.

The setting is not developed adequately; providing clear details about the characters’ surroundings helps the readers imagine the scenes in their minds. (“On Halloween me and my friend was walking to school around the houses intill we saw a Haunted House. For no reason we walk in the haunted house we saw that it was so drity the house was rickey the kitchen water was runing then we went to the table and it was broken we saw that the chairs were broken and then we saw the book shelf it had a creepy black spider. ”)

The writer mentions characters in the story, but they are not developed in detail. (“he had BIG FAT ears and the color was DARK BROWN with a little bit of black it looked really nasty it was eating GREEN STUFF. Me and my friend walk really slowly intill I triped I made a LOUD nosie he got up and we RAN down the stairs.”)

There is no dialogue that reveals what the characters may think or say aloud. (“My friend said he is going to eat ussssss”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the narrative is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end with serious gaps in the sequencing of ideas.

The introduction does not successfully engage the readers’ attention. (“On Halloween me and my friend was walking to school around the houses intill we saw a Haunted House. For no reason we walk in the haunted house we saw that it was so drity the house was rickey the kitchen water was runing then we went to the table and it was broken we saw that the chairs were broken and then we saw the book shelf it had a creepy black spider. ”)

Because the narrative is so short, the writer does not develop a timeline of events occurring in the story that would lead the readers to a logical ending. (“heard a nosie in the basement we went to go look at it we saw a creepy thing it had BIG yellow teeth and BIG feet it had claws that was scary it had GLOWING eyes and a pointy nose with alot of fur on his legs. he had BIG FAT ears and the color was DARK BROWN with a little bit of black it looked really nasty it was eating GREEN STUFF. ”)

The story includes no identifiable ending that gives the readers a sense of closure. (“Me and my friend walk really slowly intill I triped I made a LOUD nosie he got up and we RAN down the stairs. My friend said he is going to eat ussssss ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is inadequate in the narrative. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice with no a wareness of audience, and there are noticeable errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on sentences. (“For no reason we walk in the haunted house we saw that it was so drity the house was rickey the kitchen water was runing then we went to the table and it was broken we saw that the chairs were broken and then we saw the book shelf it had a creepy black spider. ”)

Because sentences are poorly structured, they do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“heard a nosie in the basement we went to go look at it we saw a creepy thing it had BIG yellow teeth and BIG feet it had claws that was scary it had GLOWING eyes and a pointy nose with alot of fur on his legs. he had BIG FAT ears and the color was DARK BROWN with a little bit of black it looked really nasty it was eating GREEN STUFF. ”)

There is no style reflected on the part of the writer in terms of word choices, organization, or sentence structure in the narrative. (“Me and my friend walk really slowly intill I triped I made a LOUD nosie he got up and we RAN down the stairs. My friend said he is going to eat ussssss”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the narrative exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling, and multiple paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized story. The narrative is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“Me and my friend walk really slowly intill I triped I made a LOUD nosie he got up and we RAN down the stairs. My friend said he is going to eat ussssss”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

An Exciting or Funny Experience

Think about a time something exciting or funny happened. Write about the exciting or funny experience and what happened.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Crack! The ball went flying through the air, it's back, it's way back and it's a homerun! My brother, mom, dad, and I went to Arizona for Spring Training on Spring Break.

"Come on it's time to go," my mom shouted. My family and I picked up our luggage hopped in the car and started on our six hour trip to Arizona. The first ten minutes seemed to take forever but when we got on the freeway we played some games. One game we played was the ABC game. What you do is call out the letter when you see a word that starts with the letter you are on. After an hour of playing that game I saw the Colorado River. When we went right over it I took a few pictures. "Bathroom break," my dad exclaimed as he pulled over to a rest area. I got outside and it was boiling. I used the bathroom then sat on a bench and waited for the others. When we were all done we looked for lizards but couldn't find any. We got back in the car turned the air on full blast. We drove the rest of the freeway, went down the road, and got to the hotel.

We went in the hotel, walked to our rooms, and then fell on our beds. It felt so good. For the rest of the day we went in the pool; it was so fun. We played in there for the rest of the day until dinner. We went to the Texas Roadhouse. It turned out that we made the right choice. For the appetizer we got the best bagels in the world, topped with delicious cinnamon butter! For the dinner I got some juicy steak. After we had paid, the waitress gave us about 12 extra bagels with butter! We walked back to the hotel and watched T.V until about 9:30 then went to bed. The next morning I woke up and knew that we would be going to some baseball games.

The first game we went to was a Minor Leage game. In the game there was one Major Leage pitcher getting practice. When he was done I got his autograph! After the game we walked back to the hotel and ate a bagel or two. The next game was the one I had been waiting for, the Angel game! I was so excited when I walked through the gate. We got some seats really close to the dugout. Before the game my brother and I went around the stadium getting autographs! The game was good, and I forget if they won or lost, but I had fun. We left the stadium and went to the Kansas City Royals batting practice. There were a lot of people on the other side of the fence trying to catch home runs. I got about 20 balls!

Finally, we went to the hotel and played in the pool for the rest of the day. We went back to our rooms, and after a little bit went to bed. I woke up the next morning, got dressed, and then ate breakfast with the rest of the family in the lobby of the hotel. When we were done we went to one last game, but first we went to the Diamondbacks batting practice. I didn't get any balls, but it was still fun. We went in the stadium to see the Cubs play. For the Cubs game we stood on the grass beyond the center field wall. The game ended and we went back to the hotel, started packing, and at last we left.

I had a great time at Arizona. In the end, I got about 18 autographs and 30 balls. That was the most exciting trip that I have ever taken.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the narrative. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful central idea and consistently demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she completes all parts of the task by using description and details that are relevant to the story, and he/she may go beyond the limits of the task. The writer reflectively showcases his/her family trip to Spring Training in Arizona.

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. Throughout the story, the writer builds anticipation for arriving at the Spring Training Camp. Readers are drawn into these experiences and can feel as though they are riding in the car, anxiously awaiting their arrival at the destination. (“‘Come on it's time to go,’ my mom shouted. My family and I picked up our luggage hopped in the car and started on our six hour trip to Arizona. The first ten minutes seemed to take forever but when we got on the freeway we played some games. One game we played was the ABC game. What you do is call out the letter when you see a word that starts with the letter you are on. After an hour of playing that game I saw the Colorado River. When we went right over it I took a few pictures. ‘Bathroom break,’ my dad exclaimed as he pulled over to a rest area. I got outside and it was boiling. I used the bathroom then sat on a bench and waited for the others. When we were all done we looked for lizards but couldn't find any. We got back in the car turned the air on full blast. We drove the rest of the freeway, went down the road, and got to the hotel.”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. All of the writer’s supporting details very effectively communicate his/her experience. Even the time spent at the hotel and restaurant is exciting. (“We went in the hotel, walked to our rooms, and then fell on our beds. It felt so good. For the rest of the day we went in the pool; it was so fun. We played in there for the rest of the day until dinner. We went to the Texas Roadhouse. It turned out that we made the right choice. For the appetizer we got the best bagels in the world, topped with delicious cinnamon butter! For the dinner I got some juicy steak. After we had paid, the waitress gave us about 12 extra bagels with butter! We walked back to the hotel and watched T.V until about 9:30 then went to bed. The next morning I woke up and knew that we would be going to some baseball games.”)

All of the details in the story focus on the main event. The readers are pulled into the stadium scenarios, and relevant, effective details are provided to enhance the writer’s experience. The writer succeeds in describing the circumstances and the subsequent experiences of collecting autographs and home run baseballs. (“The first game we went to was a Minor Leage game. In the game there was one Major Leage pitcher getting practice. When he was done I got his autograph! After the game we walked back to the hotel and ate a bagel or two. The next game was the one I had been waiting for, the Angel game! I was so excited when I walked through the gate. We got some seats really close to the dugout. Before the game my brother and I went around the stadium getting autographs! The game was good, and I forget if they won or lost, but I had fun. We left the stadium and went to the Kansas City Royals batting practice. There were a lot of people on the other side of the fence trying to catch home runs. I got about 20 balls!”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the narrative. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with complex characters that round out the narrative. The writer clearly establishes the tension of anticipation and builds on it through the arrival at the destination in Arizona and the exciting experiences at Spring Training. By doing this, the writer heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Additionally, dialogue is used very effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

The characters included in the writer’s examples are relevant and believable. For example, the writer includes his mother, father, and brother on a road trip to Spring Training. (“‘Come on it's time to go,’ my mom shouted. My family and I picked up our luggage hopped in the car and started on our six hour trip to Arizona. The first ten minutes seemed to take forever but when we got on the freeway we played some games. One game we played was the ABC game. What you do is call out the letter when you see a word that starts with the letter you are on. After an hour of playing that game I saw the Colorado River. When we went right over it I took a few pictures. ‘Bathroom break,’ my dad exclaimed as he pulled over to a rest area. I got outside and it was boiling. I used the bathroom then sat on a bench and waited for the others. When we were all done we looked for lizards but couldn't find any. We got back in the car turned the air on full blast. We drove the rest of the freeway, went down the road, and got to the hotel.”)

There is very effective information about what happened before the main event. In the beginning of the story, we find the writer is enjoying amenities at the hotel, which increases the anticipation for the baseball games the next day. (“We went in the hotel, walked to our rooms, and then fell on our beds. It felt so good. For the rest of the day we went in the pool; it was so fun. We played in there for the rest of the day until dinner. We went to the Texas Roadhouse. It turned out that we made the right choice. For the appetizer we got the best bagels in the world, topped with delicious cinnamon butter! For the dinner I got some juicy steak. After we had paid, the waitress gave us about 12 extra bagels with butter! We walked back to the hotel and watched T.V until about 9:30 then went to bed. The next morning I woke up and knew that we would be going to some baseball games.”)

There is very effective information about what happened during the event. The writer provides relevant details about watching the baseball games throughout the narrative. (“The first game we went to was a Minor Leage game. In the game there was one Major Leage pitcher getting practice. When he was done I got his autograph! After the game we walked back to the hotel and ate a bagel or two. The next game was the one I had been waiting for, the Angel game! I was so excited when I walked through the gate. We got some seats really close to the dugout. Before the game my brother and I went around the stadium getting autographs! The game was good, and I forget if they won or lost, but I had fun. We left the stadium and went to the Kansas City Royals batting practice. There were a lot of people on the other side of the fence trying to catch home runs. I got about 20 balls!”)

Organization

The narrative’s organization is very effective. The writer captures the readers' attention by providing a clever opening to the story. The writing flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development, and the writer provides an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The story very effectively captures the readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer skillfully paints a picture of someone hitting a home run in the game of baseball. (“Crack! The ball went flying through the air, it's back, it's way back and it's a homerun! My brother, mom, dad, and I went to Arizona for Spring Training on Spring Break.”)

Subtle transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“Finally, we went to the hotel and played in the pool for the rest of the day. We went back to our rooms, and after a little bit went to bed. I woke up the next morning, got dressed, and then ate breakfast with the rest of the family in the lobby of the hotel. When we were done we went to one last game, but first we went to the Diamondbacks batting practice. I didn't get any balls, but it was still fun. We went in the stadium to see the Cubs play. For the Cubs game we stood on the grass beyond the center field wall. The game ended and we went back to the hotel, started packing, and at last we left.”)

The story demonstrates a very effective ending, emphasizing the writer’s activities during his/her trip. (“I had a great time at Arizona. In the end, I got about 18 autographs and 30 balls. That was the most exciting trip that I have ever taken.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes precise language choices to effectively illustrate how he/she experiences the Arizona heat. (“ ‘Bathroom break,’ my dad exclaimed as he pulled over to a rest area. I got outside and it was boiling. I used the bathroom then sat on a bench and waited for the others. When we were all done we looked for lizards but couldn't find any. We got back in the car turned the air on full blast.”)

There is strong voice from the writer throughout the story. The readers can feel the writer’s excitement of watching major league baseball players and collecting mementos to take home. (“ In the game there was one Major Leage pitcher getting practice. When he was done I got his autograph! After the game we walked back to the hotel and ate a bagel or two. The next game was the one I had been waiting for, the Angel game! I was so excited when I walked through the gate. We got some seats really close to the dugout. Before the game my brother and I went around the stadium getting autographs! The game was good, and I forget if they won or lost, but I had fun. We left the stadium and went to the Kansas City Royals batting practice. There were a lot of people on the other side of the fence trying to catch home runs. I got about 20 balls!”)

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ Finally, we went to the hotel and played in the pool for the rest of the day. We went back to our rooms, and after a little bit went to bed. I woke up the next morning, got dressed, and then ate breakfast with the rest of the family in the lobby of the hotel. When we were done we went to one last game, but first we went to the Diamondbacks batting practice. I didn't get any balls, but it was still fun. We went in the stadium to see the Cubs play. For the Cubs game we stood on the grass beyond the center field wall. The game ended and we went back to the hotel, started packing, and at last we left.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and words are spelled correctly. (“ We went in the hotel, walked to our rooms, and then fell on our beds. It felt so good. For the rest of the day we went in the pool; it was so fun. We played in there for the rest of the day until dinner. We went to the Texas Roadhouse. It turned out that we made the right choice. For the appetizer we got the best bagels in the world, topped with delicious cinnamon butter!”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Have you ever had an exciting or funny experience in your life? While lit me tell you about my funny experience. The whole thing started about one year ago at the rec. I was done with my homework like the rest of the group when ms. Jones ask us if we wanted to out side because it was freezing inside. Next everyone came in the gym, so we can line up to go outside.

When I reached to open the door and looked up in the blue sky the big shiny sun shined in my eyes and it really burned. Some of the older children rushed past my with a crate full of footballs, basketballs and other things and started to play with them. Knowing my self I grab the first basketball I could see and walked to the court to shot around my sister. After she won I, saw that my friends were playing a game of football so I ask if they would let me play with them and they told me to pick a team. I chose the team with the lest people on it. The next thing I know the ball was in my hands and I was running for a touch down. When these boy started to charge right at me, so I ran even faster. The boy was about three feet away from me still charging at me. Finally, I was right at the field goal when I tripped over my own shoes and landed right on my face. Then I got up. I felt a breeze on the back of my legs so I looked at the back of my pants and there was a hole. Everyone started to laugh at me. even I thought that was a little funny. So I went to Ms. Jones and ask if I could use her phone to call my mom and tell her to bring me a pair of pans when she picks me up. I sat with Ms.Jones and waited until she arrived at the rec. When she gave me my pants, I rushed to the restroom and put them on and threw the other ones away.

Finally, I went back to playing with my friends and everything was all right. Everything but them laughing at me for about one week but it was still okay. That was my funny experience in my life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the story. The writer establishes and maintains a clear central idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story and completes most parts of the task.

In the beginning, the writer focuses the narrative completely on a funny experience that happened at the recreation center. (“Have you ever had an exciting or funny experience in your life? While lit me tell you about my funny experience. The whole thing started about one year ago at the rec.”)

The parts of the story relate to the main event by establishing the background for the funny experience. (“When I reached to open the door and looked up in the blue sky the big shiny sun shined in my eyes and it really burned. Some of the older children rushed past my with a crate full of footballs, basketballs and other things and started to play with them. Knowing my self I grab the first basketball I could see and walked to the court to shot around my sister. After she won I, saw that my friends were playing a game of football so I ask if they would let me play with them and they told me to pick a team. I chose the team with the lest people on it.”)

The details in the story focus on the main event. The writer provides information about playing football that leads up to the climax of the story. (“The next thing I know the ball was in my hands and I was running for a touch down. When these boy started to charge right at me, so I ran even faster. The boy was about three feet away from me still charging at me. Finally, I was right at the field goal when I tripped over my own shoes and landed right on my face. Then I got up. I felt a breeze on the back of my legs so I looked at the back of my pants and there was a hole. Everyone started to laugh at me. even I thought that was a little funny.”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer provides a well-developed plot and setting and introduces the readers to believable characters who impact the story. The writer establishes tension/conflict/a problem that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Additionally, dialogue is used effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Effective details are used to develop the main events of the story. The writer consistently reveals his/her experiences during an ordinary day that ended with a humorous twist. (“The whole thing started about one year ago at the rec. I was done with my homework like the rest of the group when ms. Jones ask us if we wanted to out side because it was freezing inside. Next everyone came in the gym, so we can line up to go outside.”)

The setting is effectively developed with details. (“ When I reached to open the door and looked up in the blue sky the big shiny sun shined in my eyes and it really burned. Some of the older children rushed past my with a crate full of footballs, basketballs and other things and started to play with them. Knowing my self I grab the first basketball I could see and walked to the court to shot around my sister.”)

The plot is effectively developed. (“After she won I, saw that my friends were playing a game of football so I ask if they would let me play with them and they told me to pick a team. I chose the team with the lest people on it. The next thing I know the ball was in my hands and I was running for a touch down. When these boy started to charge right at me, so I ran even faster. The boy was about three feet away from me still charging at me. Finally, I was right at the field goal when I tripped over my own shoes and landed right on my face.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas and events is good throughout the story. The opening of the story excites the readers to continue reading. The writing flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. The ending provides the readers with a sense of completeness.

The story effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ Have you ever had an exciting or funny experience in your life? While lit me tell you about my funny experience. The whole thing started about one year ago at the rec. I was done with my homework like the rest of the group when ms. Jones ask us if we wanted to out side because it was freezing inside. Next everyone came in the gym, so we can line up to go outside.”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect events and promote the flow of the story. (“ After she won I, saw that my friends were playing a game of football so I ask if they would let me play with them and they told me to pick a team. I chose the team with the lest people on it. The next thing I know the ball was in my hands and I was running for a touch down. When these boy started to charge right at me, so I ran even faster. The boy was about three feet away from me still charging at me. Finally, I was right at the field goal when I tripped over my own shoes and landed right on my face. Then I got up.”)

The story includes an effective ending. (“ Finally, I went back to playing with my friends and everything was all right. Everything but them laughing at me for about one week but it was still okay. That was my funny experience in my life.”)

Language Use & Style

The coherent style and tone ensure that the readers thoroughly understand how the supporting points are related and how they strengthen the thesis statement/controlling idea of the story. (“ Have you ever had an exciting or funny experience in your life? While lit me tell you about my funny experience. The whole thing started about one year ago at the rec. I was done with my homework like the rest of the group when ms. Jones ask us if we wanted to out side because it was freezing inside. Next everyone came in the gym, so we can line up to go outside.”)

The writer employs good word choices to convey the action occurring on the field while the children are playing football. (“ The boy was about three feet away from me still charging at me. Finally, I was right at the field goal when I tripped over my own shoes and landed right on my face. Then I got up. I felt a breeze on the back of my legs so I looked at the back of my pants and there was a hole. Everyone started to laugh at me. even I thought that was a little funny.”)

The language and tone are consistent. (“ So I went to Ms. Jones and ask if I could use her phone to call my mom and tell her to bring me a pair of pans when she picks me up. I sat with Ms. Jones and waited until she arrived at the rec. When she gave me my pants, I rushed to the restroom and put them on and threw the other ones away… Finally, I went back to playing with my friends and everything was all right. Everything but them laughing at me for about one week but it was still okay. That was my funny experience in my life.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“ While lit me tell you about my funny experience. The whole thing started about one year ago at the rec. I was done with my homework like the rest of the group when ms. Jones ask us if we wanted to out side because it was freezing inside.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

My funny experience was when it was Christmas we didn't celebrate. But we put our Christmas tree up but we didn't get presents but i got a prank up my mind. So i rapped a phone book in paper and then i put it under the Christmas tree the next morning. she woke up then she opened it. then she was like what is it ? Then I said it's a phone book and then I laughed hahaha ! I like my funny experience cause it was a prank for my sister. It was like a joke too. And I like my sister cause she is my only sister.

My exciting story is when we was at home we was playing a game like put the tail on the pony or try to get the apple out of the water it was so fun. at the time every body went home we had to clean up the house then I'd play a little game with my sister we play hide in seek. then i hide in the basement then she came and look for me then i was like here she was like where are you? then 30 minute pass she found me- it was funny . When we was cleaning a made her my made then she was obeying my orders. Then i said please get me my game this she said yes sir then came back then. We were playing a game. We were playing big hunter it was fun. Then i was laughing. She said why are you laughing? I said cause you couldn't find me when we were playing hide in seek.

Next celebration I was with my uncle. We were going to the ymca so we went swimming. It was so funny cause my uncle sliped when he was about to go in the water. Then i did a canon boom! then the water got on my uncle then we was laughing for fun. when we enter to the ymca we to pose to have a card a ymca card to get in the gym it was fun then we went home. It was fun when we went to the ymca.

Next we went to the musem; we saw big dinosaurs then we were going in the butter fly room. I saw a blue butterfly and my uncle said o my god there goes a dead one. I said it aint dead. watch this roar then the butterfly went away. Then I was laughing hahaha!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the narrative. He/she establishes and maintains a central idea by providing descriptions and details that are relevant to the story. By doing so, the writer reveals a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task, and adequately completes many parts of the task.

The writer states the main event of the story adequately. (“My funny experience was when it was Christmas we didn't celebrate.”)

Details in the story focus on the main event. (“But we put our Christmas tree up but we didn't get presents but i got a prank up my mind. So i rapped a phone book in paper and then i put it under the Christmas tree the next morning. she woke up then she opened it. then she was like what is it ? Then I said it's a phone book and then I laughed hahaha ! I like my funny experience cause it was a prank for my sister. It was like a joke too.”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt and describe both exciting and funny experiences in the writer’s life. (“My exciting story is when we was at home we was playing a game like put the tail on the pony or try to get the apple out of the water it was so fun. at the time every body went home we had to clean up the house then I'd play a little game with my sister we play hide in seek… Next celebration I was with my uncle. We were going to the ymca so we went swimming. It was so funny cause my uncle sliped when he was about to go in the water.”)

Content & Development

The writer briefly provides a conflict in the story when he/she describes playing a prank on a sibling. (“But we put our Christmas tree up but we didn't get presents but i got a prank up my mind. So i rapped a phone book in paper and then i put it under the Christmas tree the next morning. she woke up then she opened it. then she was like what is it ? Then I said it's a phone book and then I laughed hahaha ! I like my funny experience cause it was a prank for my sister. It was like a joke too.”)

The writer’s use of dialogue in the narrative is adequate, although proper punctuation is necessary to aid the readers’ understanding. (“Then i said please get me my game this she said yes sir then came back then. We were playing a game. We were playing big hunter it was fun. Then i was laughing. She said why are you laughing? I said cause you couldn't find me when we were playing hide in seek.”)

There is adequate information about what happened during one of the main events. (“Next celebration I was with my uncle. We were going to the ymca so we went swimming. It was so funny cause my uncle sliped when he was about to go in the water. Then i did a canon boom! then the water got on my uncle then we was laughing for fun. when we enter to the ymca we to pose to have a card a ymca card to get in the gym it was fun then we went home. It was fun when we went to the ymca.”)

Organization

The beginning demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by explaining the contradictory notion of setting up a Christmas tree but not celebrating Christmas. The writer continues to pique the readers’ interest by referring to a prank. (“ My funny experience was when it was Christmas we didn't celebrate. But we put our Christmas tree up but we didn't get presents but i got a prank up my mind.”)

Transitions used to connect events in the story are repetitious. The writer needs to incorporate a variety of transitions throughout the narrative, which can assist the readers by carrying the story’s events to their ultimate conclusion. (“My exciting story is when we was at home we was playing a game like put the tail on the pony or try to get the apple out of the water it was so fun. at the time every body went home we had to clean up the house then I'd play a little game with my sister we play hide in seek. then i hide in the basement then she came and look for me then i was like here she was like where are you? then 30 minute pass she found me- it was funny.”)

The story comes to a very abrupt end and lacks a summary or lesson learned that would give the intended audience a sense of closure. (“ Next we went to the musem; we saw big dinosaurs then we were going in the butter fly room. I saw a blue butterfly and my uncle said o my god there goes a dead one. I said it aint dead. watch this roar then the butterfly went away. Then I was laughing hahaha!”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ My funny experience was when it was Christmas we didn't celebrate. But we put our Christmas tree up but we didn't get presents but i got a prank up my mind. So i rapped a phone book in paper and then i put it under the Christmas tree the next morning. she woke up then she opened it. then she was like what is it ? Then I said it's a phone book and then I laughed hahaha ! I like my funny experience cause it was a prank for my sister. It was like a joke too. And I like my sister cause she is my only sister.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the story. (“ Next celebration I was with my uncle. We were going to the ymca so we went swimming. It was so funny cause my uncle sliped when he was about to go in the water. Then i did a canon boom! then the water got on my uncle then we was laughing for fun.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the narrative. He/she provides language that describes a trip to a museum. (“ Next we went to the musem; we saw big dinosaurs then we were going in the butter fly room. I saw a blue butterfly and my uncle said o my god there goes a dead one. I said it aint dead. watch this roar then the butterfly went away. Then I was laughing hahaha!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure sentences begin with capital letters, have subject-verb agreement, and end with appropriate punctuation marks. Words should also be spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs should be indicated with line breaks. (“ My exciting story is when we was at home we was playing a game like put the tail on the pony or try to get the apple out of the water it was so fun. at the time every body went home we had to clean up the house then I'd play a little game with my sister we play hide in seek. then i hide in the basement then she came and look for me then i was like here she was like where are you?”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

An exciting time in my in my life is when my little sister was born. My mom found out she was pregnant and was freaking out about it so did my dad. I didn't. She was do In November. It turns out she did come in November but she came one week early.

It was one day when I was in school. I was checked out of school by my grandfather.

I asked him why he checked me out. He said, ?your mom was having my sister?. Then started to freak out. My grandfather was laughing at me. When I got to the hospital I Was there until 11:00. Then I found out she had to go into sea section. I had to my best Fried Mathew's house for two weeks. Then my mom came home on a Friday. I was Very exited when she came home. I got to see my baby sister. She was very cute.

Now she is Thirteen months old. Her favorite word is mama. That is My the exciting moment in life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the narrative. The writer establishes and maintains a limited central idea and demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she provides limited descriptions and details that may not be relevant to the story or give the readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The writer states the main event of the story in a limited way. (“An exciting time in my in my life is when my little sister was born.”)

The writer’s focus is limited in the narrative. He/she focuses limited details on the events leading up to his/her sibling’s birth. (“It was one day when I was in school. I was checked out of school by my grandfather… I asked him why he checked me out. He said, ?your mom was having my sister?. Then started to freak out. My grandfather was laughing at me.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the narrative. He/she fails to describe the anticipation and excitement of waiting for the baby to be born. In providing more relevant details, the readers will be able to fully appreciate the story unfolding in the writer’s mind. (“When I got to the hospital I Was there until 11:00. Then I found out she had to go into sea section. I had to my best Fried Mathew's house for two weeks. Then my mom came home on a Friday.”)

Content & Development

The narrative reveals limited content and development. The writer provides an adequately developed plot, setting, and characters, but the content lacks sufficient detail to make it more than a summary of what happens in the story. Tension/conflict/a problem may be stated but not developed sufficiently. Some dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

The details about characters in the story are limited. The writer introduces his/her parents into the narrative but does not describe them in any way. (“My mom found out she was pregnant and was freaking out about it so did my dad. I didn't. She was do In November. It turns out she did come in November but she came one week early.”)

The writer does not implement sufficient use of dialogue in the narrative. By including dialogue, the writer can share the thoughts of characters in the story. (“I asked him why he checked me out. He said, ?your mom was having my sister?.”)

Although the writer provides brief information to state the purpose of the narrative, limited details are used to develop the main events of the story. (“I had to my best Fried Mathew's house for two weeks. Then my mom came home on a Friday. I was Very exited when she came home. I got to see my baby sister. She was very cute.”)

Organization

The beginning of the narrative attempts to grab the readers’ attention in a way that would entice them to continue reading. The writer creates an initial emotional response through the reactions of his/her parents to the unexpected news of a pregnancy. (“ An exciting time in my in my life is when my little sister was born. My mom found out she was pregnant and was freaking out about it so did my dad. I didn't. She was do In November. It turns out she did come in November but she came one week early.”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story to lead the readers through the narrative. (“ When I got to the hospital I Was there until 11:00. Then I found out she had to go into sea section. I had to my best Fried Mathew's house for two weeks.”)

The writer does not provide an ending that gives the readers a sense of closure. At the very end of the story, the writer reveals that his/her baby sister is now over a year old, but he/she fails to connect that fact with the exciting experience of her birth. (“ Now she is Thirteen months old. Her favorite word is mama. That is My the exciting moment in life.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited use of language, voice, and style in the narrative. The story reveals simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, the word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

Some sentences are short. The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the story more interesting to the intended audience. (“ I was Very exited when she came home. I got to see my baby sister. She was very cute.”)

The writer often uses the same word to begin sentences. The writer’s use of “then,” for example, is repetitive. (“ Then started to freak out. My grandfather was laughing at me. When I got to the hospital I Was there until 11:00. Then I found out she had to go into sea section. I had to my best Fried Mathew's house for two weeks. Then my mom came home on a Friday.”)

The sentences are too informal, and word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“ I asked him why he checked me out. He said, ?your mom was having my sister?. Then started to freak out. My grandfather was laughing at me. When I got to the hospital I Was there until 11:00.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should make sure each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated using line breaks, and that words are spelled correctly and used properly within the context of sentences. (“Now she is Thirteen months old. Her favorite word is mama. That is My the exciting moment in life.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

one of my funniest day i ever had. one time me and my little sister and i went to Chuck cheese and we got in they play park and we got stuck in the back of the play park then we ask serenity can she show us the slide and guess what. she was lost to so. then the other little girl i ask was shakier she said i don't know so. i said well guess i will have to find somebody else to show me where the slide is. so finally i found the slide after i turned to my left beam. there was the slide i said so loud THANK YOU JESUS. that i found the the slide so then i said i will always remember where the slide is so then i said. that's the funnies day i ever had.

the end

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story only minimally states the main event of the story. (“one of my funniest day i ever had. one time me and my little sister and i went to Chuck cheese and we got in they play park and we got stuck in the back of the play park then we ask serenity can she show us the slide and guess what.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give the readers a true sense of the situation and how being lost was a funny experience. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“i said well guess i will have to find somebody else to show me where the slide is. so finally i found the slide after i turned to my left beam.”)

The writer’s details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“there was the slide i said so loud THANK YOU JESUS. that i found the the slide so then i said i will always remember where the slide is so then i said. that's the funnies day i ever had.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. The story lacks tension or conflict to make it interesting. Little to no dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

The writer does not provide a narrative that includes a detailed setting or characters. There are no descriptions of the setting, and the writer does not attempt to describe the characters in any way. (“one of my funniest day i ever had. one time me and my little sister and i went to Chuck cheese and we got in they play park and we got stuck in the back of the play park then we ask serenity can she show us the slide and guess what. she was lost to so.”)

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is not sufficiently developed. (“then the other little girl i ask was shakier she said i don't know so. i said well guess i will have to find somebody else to show me where the slide is.”)

Only minimal details are used to develop the main events of the story. The plot is only minimally developed. The writer briefly addresses searching for the slide in a play park, but these ideas are not developed in a way that enhances his/her message. (“so finally i found the slide after i turned to my left beam. there was the slide i said so loud THANK YOU JESUS. that i found the the slide so then i said i will always remember where the slide is so then i said.”)

Organization

The story attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning; however, the writer fails to describe something funny. (“ one of my funniest day i ever had. one time me and my little sister and i went to Chuck cheese and we got in they play park and we got stuck in the back of the play park”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. (“ so finally i found the slide after i turned to my left beam. there was the slide i said so loud THANK YOU JESUS.”) By including more effective transitions, the writer can create an effective flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence.

The story minimally demonstrates an ending. (“ that's the funnies day i ever had… the end”) The narrative fails to reveal insightful lessons the writer may have learned through the experiences in the story, and it does not attempt to leave the readers with too much to think about once the story is over.

Language Use & Style

There are several run-on sentences in the narrative. The writer needs to phrase ideas in an effective way to clearly communicate events throughout the narrative. (“ one time me and my little sister and i went to Chuck cheese and we got in they play park and we got stuck in the back of the play park then we ask serenity can she show us the slide and guess what.”)

Exact words are missing, and errors in syntax are evident. These errors impede the readers’ ability to follow the writer’s narrative with understanding. (“ she was lost to so. then the other little girl i ask was shakier she said i don't know so. i said well guess i will have to find somebody else to show me where the slide is.”)

The language is simple and repetitive. Word choices and sentence structure do not effectively communicate the writer’s story to the intended audience. (“ so finally i found the slide after i turned to my left beam. there was the slide i said so loud THANK YOU JESUS. that i found the the slide so then i said i will always remember where the slide is so then i said.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the narrative exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and the use of multiple paragraphs with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized and meaningful story. (“one time me and my little sister and i went to Chuck cheese and we got in they play park and we got stuck in the back of the play park then we ask serenity can she show us the slide and guess what.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

i was in mr smith class we had gim we playing a game my freinds were play first. then i was so scared the gym teacher rolled i ran than i kicked it than my shoe came of than every one laffed.

I was net again then i kick. ed it my shoe came of again.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the narrative are inadequate. The writer establishes little or no central idea and d emonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story. Overall, the writer barely completes any parts of the task.

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is not stated, and the writer provides very little detail to elaborate on the main theme of the story. (“ i was in mr smith class we had gim we playing a game my freinds were play first.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of the intended audience. (“then i was so scared the gym teacher rolled i ran than i kicked it than my shoe came of than every one laffed.”)

The writer does not provide details that satisfy the purpose of the task. (“I was net again then i kick. ed it my shoe came of again.”)

Content & Development

The setting is mentioned but not developed; providing details about the characters’ surroundings helps the readers imagine the scene in their minds. (“ i was in mr smith class we had gim we playing a game my freinds were play first.”)

The writer mentions characters in the story, but they are not developed in detail. (“then i was so scared the gym teacher rolled i ran than i kicked it than my shoe came of than every one laffed.”)

There is no dialogue that reveals what the characters may think or say aloud. (“I was net again then i kick. ed it my shoe came of again.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the narrative is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of ideas.

The story does not direct the readers’ attention in the beginning because it does not clearly focus on telling a story that would reveal, in great detail, an exciting or funny experience. (“ i was in mr smith class we had gim we playing a game my freinds were play first.”)

Events are presented in order, but the lack of supporting details hinders the flow of the story. (“ then i was so scared the gym teacher rolled i ran than i kicked it than my shoe came of than every one laffed.”)

The story does not include an identifiable ending that summarizes the theme of the prompt task or gives the readers a sense of closure. (“ I was net again then i kick. ed it my shoe came of again.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is inadequate in the narrative. The writer demonstrates use of unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and noticeable errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“ i was in mr smith class we had gim we playing a game my freinds were play first.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ then i was so scared the gym teacher rolled i ran than i kicked it than my shoe came of than every one laffed.”)

The writer does not reflect style in terms of word choices, organization, or sentence structure in the narrative. (“I was net again then i kick. ed it my shoe came of again.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is inadequate in the narrative. There are noticeable e rrors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the narrative exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphs with line breaks to separate ideas and organize the story. The narrative is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“i was in mr smith class we had gim we playing a game my freinds were play first. then i was so scared the gym teacher rolled i ran than i kicked it than my shoe came of than every one laffed… I was net again then i kick. ed it my shoe came of again.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

An Exciting Time

We all h ave things that we believe are exciting. Think of something you have done that was exciting to you. It might be winning a ball game, getting a new pet, or riding a bike. Write a story about a time when you felt excit ed.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

I can still remember the fresh smell of the park. Fresh cut grass and chlorinated water will always bring back memories for me of one of the most exciting days of my life! I will never forget that day when the teacher told us that we were going to Little Chute. Everyone was rejoicing, saying, "What is that?" The teacher told us that it was a special place; she was born there and there is a public pool on the grounds that she and her family own. We were scheduled to leave at 7:45 a.m. in exactly two weeks from the day she surprised us with the news of the trip. Two weeks went by, and the day had finally arrived!

When I arrived at school, I was right on time. All my friends were there. My best friend, Maria, greeted me. "Hi" said Maria "I can't believe the day has finally come. You look unhappy. What's wrong?" I said, "Nothing! I am just tired! I woke up at 4:00!" "Really! I woke up at 6:00!" said Maria. Ms.Landers came and said to follow her. We followed her and we waited for the bus. Everyone who was supposed to be there was there. We waited for about fifteen minutes. The grass was wet because it had just stopped raining. I think the humidity was 90%. The bus had finally arrived! "Finally!" Maria said. Ms.Landers wanted to be polite, so she ordered each of us to say good morning to the bus driver as we boarded the greyhound. "Good Morning!" I said. The bus driver was not polite in return. He just looked at us with a blank stare.

It was obvious to everyone that Ms.Landers was in a very good mood. I mean, why wouldn't she be? So, she let us sit wherever we wanted. Maria and I decided that we would each have our own seat, but we then changed our minds and decided to sit right next to each other. Ms.Landers brought her friend Tony along. Everyone in the class made fun of them both. She knows us, so she said if we make fun of her, we will get a detention. Everyone got quiet very quickly. "Good. Oh here comes Tony!" said Ms. Landers. Tony was a stocky man with brown hair. He was wearing a sweater with some shorts. He was carrying a bag. "Well, ready to go guys?" said Tony. There was no response. "Tough bus!" said Tony. Everyone laughed. "Okay, let's get out of here!!!"

Two hours later, we heard what we had been waiting to hear. "We're here!" said Ms. Landers. "Maria wake up!! We're here, well, we are not near the pool yet, but we are here in Little Chute!" Maria woke up. Ms. Landers told us where her grandmother lived, where her mother lived, and where her aunt lived. I saw the park and then I saw the swimming pool! "Okay I want all of the girls to go to the changing room to change and all the boys to go to the bathroom." said Ms. Landers. "Why do we get the bathroom and the girls get the changing room?" asked a boy sitting way in the back. "Because the girls are special!" said the bus driver. Ms. Landers laughed.

Fifteen minutes later, I found myself jumping into the pool the minute I was in my bathing suit. The water was so warm. Carlos wet me with his water gun. Maria tried to scare me by faking she was going to drown me! "Maria!" I said "What?" "Hey, do you want to go to the slide?" "I don't know. It looks pretty deep." I said. Then there was some silence. I broke the ice. "Okay fine! Let's go!"I said. We went down the slide together, alone, and sometimes we let someone join us. We went down the slide what felt like a hundred times. Then we got tired. We left the slide area and to our surprise, Ms.Landers had ordered pizza for all of us so we ate that. Then we had to get ready to go home! When we were all dressed, we took a class picture. We took it near the pool. What a mistake! Our friend, Camilo, accidently fell in the pool when the picture was taken. We had to fish him out of the pool! It was all so exciting!

When we left, Maria and I said goodbye. Then we hopped on the bus! I went right to sleep. When I woke up, we were barely in Madison , so I watched a video from my VideoNow to pass the time. Eventually, we arrived back home. Aside from being a near perfect day, it was one of the most exciting times of my life!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay. Throughout the narrative, the writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer uses descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story. The writer reflectively showcases her exciting time on a class trip with her teacher and classmates.

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. Throughout the story, the writer builds anticipation for the exciting things that happened on the class trip. Readers are drawn into these experiences and can feel as though they are along for the ride. (“Two hours later, we heard what we had been waiting to hear. ‘We're here!’ said Ms. Landers. ‘Maria, wake up!! We're here, well, we are not near the pool yet, but we are here in Little Chute!’ Maria woke up. Ms. Landers told us where her grandmother lived, where her mother lived, and where her aunt lived. I saw the park and then I saw the swimming pool! ‘Okay I want all of the girls to go to the changing room to change and all the boys to go to the bathroom.’ said Ms. Landers. ’Why do we get the bathroom and the girls get the changing room?’ asked a boy sitting way in the back. ‘Because the girls are special!’ said the bus driver. Ms. Landers laughed.”)

All of the details in the story focus on the main event. Readers are pulled into the class trip scenario, and relevant, effective details are provided to enhance the writer’s experience. The writer succeeds in describing the circumstances and the subsequent experiences on the bus and at Little Chute Park. (“We went down the slide together, alone, and sometimes we let someone join us. We went down the slide what felt like a hundred times. Then we got tired. We left the slide area and to our surprise, Ms.Landers had ordered pizza for all of us so we ate that. Then we had to get ready to go home! When we were all dressed, we took a class picture. We took it near the pool. What a mistake! Our friend, Camilo, accidently fell in the pool when the picture was taken. We had to fish him out of the pool! It was all so exciting!”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. All of the writer’s supporting details very effectively communicate the writer’s experience. (“When I arrived at school, I was right on time. All my friends were there. My best friend, Maria, greeted me. ‘Hi’ said Maria ‘I can't believe the day has finally come. You look unhappy. What's wrong?’ I said, ‘Nothing! I am just tired! I woke up at 4:00!’ ‘Really! I woke up at 6:00!’ said Maria. Ms.Landers came and said to follow her. We followed her and we waited for the bus. Everyone who was supposed to be there was there. We waited for about fifteen minutes. The grass was wet because it had just stopped raining. I think the humidity was 90%. The bus had finally arrived! ‘Finally!’ Maria said.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with supporting characters that round out the narrative. The writer clearly establishes a build-up to the revelation of the exciting time and the writer’s experiences at the special park. In doing so, the writer heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story.

The characters included in the writer’s examples are relevant and believable. For example, the writer includes a teacher, classmates, a boyfriend, and bus driver who all serve to move the story forward. (“Ms.Landers brought her friend Tony along. Everyone in the class made fun of them both. She knows us, so she said if we make fun of her, we will get a detention. Everyone got quiet very quickly. ‘Good. Oh here comes Tony!’ said Ms. Landers. Tony was a stocky man with brown hair. He was wearing a sweater with some shorts. He was carrying a bag. ‘Well, ready to go guys?’ said Tony. There was no response. ‘Tough bus!’ said Tony. Everyone laughed. ‘Okay, let's get out of here!!!’”)

There is very effective information about what happened before the event. In the beginning of the story, we find the writer reminiscing about the day she learned of her teacher’s planned trip for the class. (“I can still remember the fresh smell of the park. Fresh cut grass and chlorinated water will always bring back memories for me of one of the most exciting days of my life! I will never forget that day when the teacher told us that we were going to Little Chute. Everyone was rejoicing, saying, ‘What is that?’ The teacher told us that it was a special place; she was born there and there is a public pool on the grounds that she and her family own. We were scheduled to leave at 7:45 a.m. in exactly two weeks from the day she surprised us with the news of the trip. Two weeks went by, and the day had finally arrived!”)

There is very effective information about what happened during the event. The writer provides relevant details about the activities she experienced while enjoying the day at Little Chute. (“Fifteen minutes later, I found myself jumping into the pool the minute I was in my bathing suit. The water was so warm. Carlos wet me with his water gun. Maria tried to scare me by faking she was going to drown me! ‘Maria!’ I said ‘What?’ ‘Hey, do you want to go to the slide?’ ‘I don't know. It looks pretty deep.’ I said. Then there was some silence. I broke the ice. ‘Okay fine! Let's go!’I said. We went down the slide together, alone, and sometimes we let someone join us. We went down the slide what felt like a hundred times. Then we got tired. We left the slide area and to our surprise, Ms.Landers had ordered pizza for all of us so we ate that. Then we had to get ready to go home! When we were all dressed, we took a class picture. We took it near the pool. What a mistake! Our friend, Camilo, accidently fell in the pool when the picture was taken. We had to fish him out of the pool! It was all so exciting!”)

Organization

The story very effectively grabs readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer skillfully paints a picture of her memories of the day she learned of the special class trip. (“I can still remember the fresh smell of the park. Fresh cut grass and chlorinated water will always bring back memories for me of one of the most exciting days of my life! I will never forget that day when the teacher told us that we were going to Little Chute. Everyone was rejoicing, saying, ‘What is that?’ The teacher told us that it was a special place; she was born there and there is a public pool on the grounds that she and her family own. We were scheduled to leave at 7:45 a.m. in exactly two weeks from the day she surprised us with the news of the trip. Two weeks went by, and the day had finally arrived!”)

Subtle transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“It was obvious to everyone that Ms.Landers was in a very good mood. I mean, why wouldn't she be? So, she let us sit wherever we wanted. Maria and I decided that we would each have our own seat, but we then changed our minds and decided to sit right next to each other. Ms.Landers brought her friend Tony along. Everyone in the class made fun of them both. She knows us, so she said if we make fun of her, we will get a detention. Everyone got quiet very quickly.”)

The story demonstrates an effective ending by emphasizing the end of an exciting time in the writer’s life and by giving the readers a sense of closure. (“When we left, Maria and I said goodbye. Then we hopped on the bus! I went right to sleep. When I woke up, we were barely in Madison , so I watched a video from my VideoNow to pass the time. Eventually, we arrived back home. Aside from being a near perfect day, it was one of the most exciting times of my life!”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes precise language choices to effectively illustrate his/her experiences at Little Chute Park. (“ Fifteen minutes later, I found myself jumping into the pool the minute I was in my bathing suit. The water was so warm. Carlos wet me with his water gun. Maria tried to scare me by faking she was going to drown me! ‘Maria!’ I said ‘What?’ ‘Hey, do you want to go to the slide?’ ‘I don't know. It looks pretty deep.’ I said. Then there was some silence. I broke the ice. ‘Okay fine! Let's go!’I said. We went down the slide together, alone, and sometimes we let someone join us. We went down the slide what felt like a hundred times.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the story. (“ Ms.Landers came and said to follow her. We followed her and we waited for the bus. Everyone who was supposed to be there was there. We waited for about fifteen minutes. The grass was wet because it had just stopped raining. I think the humidity was 90%. The bus had finally arrived! ‘Finally!’ Maria said. Ms.Landers wanted to be polite, so she ordered each of us to say good morning to the bus driver as we boarded the greyhound. ‘Good Morning!’ I said. The bus driver was not polite in return. He just looked at us with a blank stare.”)

There is strong voice from the writer throughout the story. Readers can feel the writer’s excitement as she enjoys the special day with her friend Maria. (“ ‘Maria wake up!! We're here, well, we are not near the pool yet, but we are here in Little Chute!’ Maria woke up. Ms. Landers told us where her grandmother lived, where her mother lived, and where her aunt lived. I saw the park and then I saw the swimming pool!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ We left the slide area and to our surprise, Ms.Landers had ordered pizza for all of us so we ate that. Then we had to get ready to go home! When we were all dressed, we took a class picture. We took it near the pool. What a mistake!”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

The sun had just set, and there was total silence in my house. I was at the kitchen table, reading one of my favorite books when all of a sudden there was noise coming from outside. I ignored the noise and continued reading. All of a sudden, the noise got louder and louder and I started to worry because I didn't know what was happening outside. I got scared and I took a peek outside my window.

One of my dogs was staring at me when I heard the noise again; I knocked on the window to see if my other dog, Luna, was there. I heard the noise again, and I started to worry. Since my dog Luna was pregnant, I thought that my dog was already going to have her puppies. I was worried that maybe one of her puppies might die, or that something bad might happen to the puppies. I ran to my sister's room and told her that Luna was making a weird noise and that I thought that she was going to have her puppies. She went to see what was happening, and she agreed with me that Luna was having her puppies. We both went to my parents' room and told them about it. My dad went outside and saw that Luna was having her puppies.

At this moment, my dad seemed like a doctor. He was taking the puppies out, and was petting and keeping an eye out for them. When he was taking the puppies out you could see that there was a lot of blood coming out, and it seemed scary, but it was interesting and exciting at the same time! By the time they came out, I was even more worried that one of them might not survive and they might even die. I didn't want either one of those things to happen. I was thrilled about this moment. I had never experienced a day like this before, and now that I was experiencing this moment, I felt very excited and happy for my dogs.

A few minutes later, one puppy was born. Every few minutes one by one the litter grew. There were only four puppies born. The puppies were so adorable and very small. There were two black and two that were brown and white. We stayed up all night with them. They cried a lot, and we were very sleepy, but it was worth it. Now that it was over and that they were all born, I wasn't worried anymore. I was so full of happiness.

This was a very exciting day for me because I had never seen one of my dogs have puppies. Also it was exciting because I have never seen puppies born this way. Now that this happened, I want my dogs to have more and more puppies because it is exciting and interesting to experience this wonderful moment. I will always remember this day, and even though it might not be so exciting to a lot of people, it is still exciting for me because my dogs are very special and they mean a lot to me.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are well stated. The writer focuses the narrative completely on the moments leading up to and including the birth of his/her dog’s four puppies. (“Since my dog Luna was pregnant, I thought that my dog was already going to have her puppies. I was worried that maybe one of her puppies might die, or that something bad might happen to the puppies. I ran to my sister's room and told her that Luna was making a weird noise and that I thought that she was going to have her puppies. She went to see what was happening, and she agreed with me that Luna was having her puppies. We both went to my parents' room and told them about it. My dad went outside and saw that Luna was having her puppies.”)

The parts of the story relate to the main event. (“At this moment, my dad seemed like a doctor. He was taking the puppies out, and was petting and keeping an eye out for them. When he was taking the puppies out you could see that there was a lot of blood coming out, and it seemed scary, but it was interesting and exciting at the same time! By the time they came out, I was even more worried that one of them might not survive and they might even die. I didn't want either one of those things to happen.”)

The details in the story focus on the main event. The writer provides details that describe his/her feelings during this exciting time. (“This was a very exciting day for me because I had never seen one of my dogs have puppies. Also it was exciting because I have never seen puppies born this way. Now that this happened, I want my dogs to have more and more puppies because it is exciting and interesting to experience this wonderful moment.”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer provides a well-developed plot and setting. The writer introduces readers to believable characters who impact the story. The writer includes a problem in the story that leads the readers to a happy ending.

Details are used to develop the main events of the story effectively. The writer consistently reveals the experiences of the main character as he/she and the family struggle to help their dog deliver her puppies. (“A few minutes later, one puppy was born. Every few minutes one by one the litter grew. There were only four puppies born. The puppies were so adorable and very small. There were two black and two that were brown and white. We stayed up all night with them. They cried a lot, and we were very sleepy, but it was worth it. Now that it was over and that they were all born, I wasn't worried anymore.”)

The setting is effectively developed with details. (“ The sun had just set, and there was total silence in my house. I was at the kitchen table, reading one of my favorite books when all of a sudden there was noise coming from outside. I ignored the noise and continued reading. All of a sudden, the noise got louder and louder and I started to worry because I didn't know what was happening outside. I got scared and I took a peek outside my window.”)

The plot is effectively developed. (“One of my dogs was staring at me when I heard the noise again; I knocked on the window to see if my other dog, Luna, was there. I heard the noise again, and I started to worry. Since my dog Luna was pregnant, I thought that my dog was already going to have her puppies. I was worried that maybe one of her puppies might die, or that something bad might happen to the puppies. I ran to my sister's room and told her that Luna was making a weird noise and that I thought that she was going to have her puppies. She went to see what was happening, and she agreed with me that Luna was having her puppies.”)

Organization

There is good organization of ideas and events throughout the story. The opening of the story excites readers to continue reading. The writing flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. The ending provides readers with a sense of completeness.

The story effectively grabs readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ The sun had just set, and there was total silence in my house. I was at the kitchen table, reading one of my favorite books when all of a sudden there was noise coming from outside. I ignored the noise and continued reading. All of a sudden, the noise got louder and louder and I started to worry because I didn't know what was happening outside. I got scared and I took a peek outside my window.”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. The writer should attempt to incorporate more effective transitions to promote the flow of the story. (“ At this moment, my dad seemed like a doctor. He was taking the puppies out, and was petting and keeping an eye out for them. When he was taking the puppies out you could see that there was a lot of blood coming out, and it seemed scary, but it was interesting and exciting at the same time! By the time they came out, I was even more worried that one of them might not survive and they might even die. I didn't want either one of those things to happen. I was thrilled about this moment.”)

The story includes an effective ending. (“ Now that this happened, I want my dogs to have more and more puppies because it is exciting and interesting to experience this wonderful moment. I will always remember this day, and even though it might not be so exciting to a lot of people, it is still exciting for me because my dogs are very special and they mean a lot to me.”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent. (“ I ran to my sister's room and told her that Luna was making a weird noise and that I thought that she was going to have her puppies. She went to see what was happening, and she agreed with me that Luna was having her puppies. We both went to my parents' room and told them about it. My dad went outside and saw that Luna was having her puppies.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the story. (“ By the time they came out, I was even more worried that one of them might not survive and they might even die. I didn't want either one of those things to happen. I was thrilled about this moment. I had never experienced a day like this before, and now that I was experiencing this moment, I felt very excited and happy for my dogs.”)

The writer employs good word choices to convey the excitement of the moment the puppies were born. (“ At this moment, my dad seemed like a doctor. He was taking the puppies out, and was petting and keeping an eye out for them. When he was taking the puppies out you could see that there was a lot of blood coming out, and it seemed scary, but it was interesting and exciting at the same time! By the time they came out, I was even more worried that one of them might not survive and they might even die.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“ A few minutes later, one puppy was born. Every few minutes one by one the litter grew. There were only four puppies born.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

One day my aunt called and exclaimed, "We are going to Alaska !" We went there on a cruise for a week, and we visited Juneau , Sitka , and Ketchikan . Our first stop was in Juneau , the capital of Alaska . While we were in Juneau , one of the tours that we took was the gold panning tour.

We met panner Paul on port. Panner Paul was our tour guide. He had a big beard, and a brown, old, and wet looking hat. He looked just like the people that searched for gold a long time ago. The place where we looked for gold was a small stream on the mountainside, in the middle of a forest. There were a lot of rocks with minerals in them. The water was very cold.

To find gold, we first took a pan and scooped up some sand and rocks, added water in the pan and swished it around taking some of the sand, small pebbles, and water out of the pan. The idea was to have gold left over on the bottom of the pan. Gold is heavier than the sand and small pebbles, so it would stay at the bottom of the pan. As we continued to swish the pan around several times, the gold would stay at the bottom. The gold that remained in the pan was taken to panner Paul. He used a dropper to suck up the gold and put it into a small flask for us to take home.

It was very exciting because a lot of people were looking for gold, and I wanted to be the first one to find it! We were able to take home the gold that we found, and we also got a certificate that said that we owned one square inch of land, with the condition that we had to go to that exact place in Juneau every year! I do not own that land anymore because we did not go back to Juneau a year later, but it was a very exciting time for me, and I will never forget it!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer states the main event of the story adequately. (“One day my aunt called and exclaimed, ‘We are going to Alaska !’ We went there on a cruise for a week, and we visited Juneau , Sitka , and Ketchikan . Our first stop was in Juneau , the capital of Alaska . While we were in Juneau , one of the tours that we took was the gold panning tour.”)

The writer focuses on the main event of the trip to Alaska , specifically, the gold panning tour, throughout the essay. (“As we continued to swish the pan around several times, the gold would stay at the bottom. The gold that remained in the pan was taken to panner Paul. He used a dropper to suck up the gold and put it into a small flask for us to take home.”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. Readers can feel the writer’s excitement for participating in the gold panning tour. (“It was very exciting because a lot of people were looking for gold, and I wanted to be the first one to find it! We were able to take home the gold that we found, and we also got a certificate that said that we owned one square inch of land, with the condition that we had to go to that exact place in Juneau every year!”)

Details in the story focus on the main event. (“To find gold, we first took a pan and scooped up some sand and rocks, added water in the pan and swished it around taking some of the sand, small pebbles, and water out of the pan. The idea was to have gold left over on the bottom of the pan. Gold is heavier than the sand and small pebbles, so it would stay at the bottom of the pan.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate in the response. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting with relevant and believable characters. Readers can imagine the scenario in their minds and look forward to what may happen in the story. The writer should share characters’ thoughts through the use of more detailed dialogue.

The writer should use more dialogue in the narrative to enhance the development of characters and move the story forward. (“One day my aunt called and exclaimed, ‘We are going to Alaska !’ We went there on a cruise for a week, and we visited Juneau , Sitka , and Ketchikan ”)

The writer provides adequate details that all relate to the main event. (“It was very exciting because a lot of people were looking for gold, and I wanted to be the first one to find it! We were able to take home the gold that we found, and we also got a certificate that said that we owned one square inch of land, with the condition that we had to go to that exact place in Juneau every year! I do not own that land anymore because we did not go back to Juneau a year later, but it was a very exciting time for me, and I will never forget it!”)

The essay provides adequate descriptions of the setting and characters in the story. (“We met panner Paul on port. Panner Paul was our tour guide. He had a big beard, and a brown, old, and wet looking hat. He looked just like the people that searched for gold a long time ago. The place where we looked for gold was a small stream on the mountainside, in the middle of a forest. There were a lot of rocks with minerals in them. The water was very cold.”)

Organization

The beginning demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab readers’ attention by detailing the announced family trip. (“ One day my aunt called and exclaimed, ‘We are going to Alaska !’ We went there on a cruise for a week, and we visited Juneau , Sitka , and Ketchikan . Our first stop was in Juneau , the capital of Alaska . While we were in Juneau , one of the tours that we took was the gold panning tour.”)

The writer needs to use effective transitions frequently to connect events in the story. By incorporating transitions throughout the narrative, the writer can assist the readers by carrying the story’s events to their ultimate conclusion. (“To find gold, we first took a pan and scooped up some sand and rocks, added water in the pan and swished it around taking some of the sand, small pebbles, and water out of the pan. The idea was to have gold left over on the bottom of the pan. Gold is heavier than the sand and small pebbles, so it would stay at the bottom of the pan. As we continued to swish the pan around several times, the gold would stay at the bottom.”)

The story’s ending is adequate and gives the intended audience a sense of closure. (“ It was very exciting because a lot of people were looking for gold, and I wanted to be the first one to find it! We were able to take home the gold that we found, and we also got a certificate that said that we owned one square inch of land, with the condition that we had to go to that exact place in Juneau every year! I do not own that land anymore because we did not go back to Juneau a year later, but it was a very exciting time for me, and I will never forget it!”)

Language Use & Style

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ To find gold, we first took a pan and scooped up some sand and rocks, added water in the pan and swished it around taking some of the sand, small pebbles, and water out of the pan. The idea was to have gold left over on the bottom of the pan. Gold is heavier than the sand and small pebbles, so it would stay at the bottom of the pan.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the essay. The writer provides language that adequately describes the exciting time panning for gold in Alaska . (“ It was very exciting because a lot of people were looking for gold, and I wanted to be the first one to find it! We were able to take home the gold that we found, and we also got a certificate that said that we owned one square inch of land, with the condition that we had to go to that exact place in Juneau every year! I do not own that land anymore because we did not go back to Juneau a year later, but it was a very exciting time for me, and I will never forget it!”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the story. (“ As we continued to swish the pan around several times, the gold would stay at the bottom. The gold that remained in the pan was taken to panner Paul. He used a dropper to suck up the gold and put it into a small flask for us to take home. It was very exciting because a lot of people were looking for gold, and I wanted to be the first one to find it!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits adequate control of mechanics and conventions through most of the story. There may be some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

It all started out like this. We were originaly going to Mexico for a vacation but a huricane direct hit the hotel we were going to stay at. Me, my family and my cousins were all upset. It was going to be our third trip there. Then everyone started trying to plan out other vacation. At the end, we were going to the Dominican Republic !

My uncle, my aunt, and my cousins had already been to this hotel but it was knew to my family. The resort was very nice. The ocean was very clear (most of the time) And the swimming pool was huge. Every morning there was a breakfast buffet. And every night there was a dinner buffet. I had 1 or 2 steaks every night.

One of the days, there was a rifle shooting contest. I got a bulls eye my first shot! I was amazed! Brian won the contest. He was upset because all he one was a hat. He gave it to me so now its on a shelf in my room.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Focus and meaning are limited in this essay. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides limited descriptions and details that may not give readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The writer states the main event of the story in a very limited way. (“It all started out like this. We were originaly going to Mexico for a vacation but a huricane direct hit the hotel we were going to stay at.”)

The writer’s focus is limited in the essay. The writer focuses limited details on the exciting time going on vacation with his/her family. (“My uncle, my aunt, and my cousins had already been to this hotel but it was knew to my family. The resort was very nice. The ocean was very clear (most of the time) And the swimming pool was huge. Every morning there was a breakfast buffet. And every night there was a dinner buffet. I had 1 or 2 steaks every night.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the essay. The writer briefly describes a problem in the story, and in a limited way, reveals the excitement of getting a bull’s eye in a game. In providing more relevant details, readers will be able to fully appreciate the events unfolding in the writer’s mind. (“One of the days, there was a rifle shooting contest. I got a bulls eye my first shot! I was amazed! Brian won the contest. He was upset because all he one was a hat. He gave it to me so now its on a shelf in my room.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The essay has limited plot, setting, and characters, and lacks sufficient details to make this more than a summary of a character on vacation with his/her family. The writer discusses the excitement of a game while on vacation with family, but does not include an engaging conflict in the story. Additionally, the writer does not implement the use of dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Although the writer provides brief information to state the purpose of the narrative, limited details are used to develop the main events of the story. (“It all started out like this. We were originaly going to Mexico for a vacation but a huricane direct hit the hotel we were going to stay at. Me, my family and my cousins were all upset. It was going to be our third trip there. Then everyone started trying to plan out other vacation. At the end, we were going to the Dominican Republic !”)

The details about characters in the story are limited. The writer introduces family members briefly into the narrative, but does not describe them in any way. (“Brian won the contest. He was upset because all he one was a hat. He gave it to me so now its on a shelf in my room.”)

The writer does not implement the use of dialogue in the narrative. By including dialogue, the writer can share the thoughts of characters in the story. (“One of the days, there was a rifle shooting contest. I got a bulls eye my first shot! I was amazed! Brian won the contest. He was upset because all he one was a hat.”)

Organization

The beginning of the narrative attempts to grab readers’ attention in a way that would entice them to continue reading. The writer creates an initial crisis of sorts, but does not maintain focus with details that would enhance the scope of the situation. (“ It all started out like this. We were originaly going to Mexico for a vacation but a huricane direct hit the hotel we were going to stay at. Me, my family and my cousins were all upset. It was going to be our third trip there. Then everyone started trying to plan out other vacation. At the end, we were going to the Dominican Republic !”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story and lead readers through the essay. (“ One of the days, there was a rifle shooting contest. I got a bulls eye my first shot! I was amazed! Brian won the contest.”)

The writer does not provide an ending that gives the readers a sense of closure. (“ He was upset because all he one was a hat. He gave it to me so now its on a shelf in my room.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates a limited use of language, voice, and style in the essay. It reveals simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, the word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

The lengths of some of the sentences are short. (“ I got a bulls eye my first shot! I was amazed! Brian won the contest.”) The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the story more interesting to the intended audience.

The writer’s style and voice are limited in the essay. (“ My uncle, my aunt, and my cousins had already been to this hotel but it was knew to my family. The resort was very nice. The ocean was very clear (most of the time) And the swimming pool was huge. Every morning there was a breakfast buffet.”)

The sentences are too informal and word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“ Me, my family and my cousins were all upset. It was going to be our third trip there. Then everyone started trying to plan out other vacation.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

i went skydiving. It was such a rush! At first I was so scared. i wanted to do it and still didn't want to do it too. It's like I just wasn't sure if I could actually handle it.

The plane go fast and way up high. the first part of the jump never seemed to end. at fist, we just fall and fall. I was scared about this feeling of falling and falling. My stomak went into my throats.

I'm so hoping that I does this again. I wanted to do this again.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story only minimally states the main event of the story. (“i went skydiving. It was such a rush!”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give readers a true sense of the excitement of skydiving. The writer expresses the fear and feelings of falling minimally. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“at fist, we just fall and fall. I was scared about this feeling of falling and falling. My stomak went into my throats.”)

The writer’s details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“i went skydiving. It was such a rush! At first I was so scared. i wanted to do it and still didn't want to do it too. It's like I just wasn't sure if I could actually handle it.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. The main character is only mentioned, rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. The story lacks tension or conflict to make it interesting. Little to no dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Only minimal details are used to develop the main events of the story. The plot is only minimally developed. The writer briefly addresses the character’s indecision of skydiving and the fear of falling, but these ideas are not developed in a way that enhances the writer’s message. (“At first I was so scared. i wanted to do it and still didn't want to do it too. It's like I just wasn't sure if I could actually handle it. The plane go fast and way up high. the first part of the jump never seemed to end. at fist, we just fall and fall. I was scared about this feeling of falling and falling.”)

The writer does not provide a narrative that includes a detailed setting or characters. There are no descriptions of the setting, and the writer does not attempt to introduce or describe characters in any way. (“The plane go fast and way up high. the first part of the jump never seemed to end. at fist, we just fall and fall.”)

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is not sufficiently developed. (“i went skydiving. It was such a rush! At first I was so scared. i wanted to do it and still didn't want to do it too. It's like I just wasn't sure if I could actually handle it.”)

Organization

The story attempts to grab readers’ attention in the beginning by opening with an exclamatory remark. (“ i went skydiving. It was such a rush!”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. By including more effective transitions, the writer can create an effective flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence. (“ It's like I just wasn't sure if I could actually handle it. The plane go fast and way up high. the first part of the jump never seemed to end. at fist, we just fall and fall. I was scared about this feeling of falling and falling. My stomak went into my throats.”)

The story minimally demonstrates an ending. The essay’s conclusion fails to reveal insightful lessons the writer may have learned through the experiences in the story, and it does not attempt to leave readers with too much to think about once the story is over. (“ I'm so hoping that I does this again. I wanted to do this again.”)

Language Use & Style

Exact words are missing and errors in syntax are evident. These errors impede the readers’ abilities to follow the writer’s narrative with understanding. (“ The plane go fast and way up high. the first part of the jump never seemed to end. at fist, we just fall and fall.”)

The writer does not demonstrate strong voice or style in the essay. The writer needs to phrase ideas in an effective way to clearly communicate events throughout the narrative. (“ My stomak went into my throats. I'm so hoping that I does this again. I wanted to do this again.”)

The language is simple and repetitive in the essay. Word choices and sentence structure do not effectively communicate the writer’s story to the intended audience. (“ at fist, we just fall and fall. I was scared about this feeling of falling and falling. My stomak went into my throats. I'm so hoping that I does this again. I wanted to do this again.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized response. (“The plane go fast and way up high. the first part of the jump never seemed to end. at fist, we just fall and fall. I was scared about this feeling of falling and falling. My stomak went into my throats.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

One exciting time I had was play paintball. I am having my party there. I don't know how many friends I can invite. I hope it doesn't cost much. I hope I get to invite Caleb, Ryan, Jamaal, and Austin A.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the essay are inadequate in the response. The writer demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story. The essay does not satisfy the main components of the task.

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is stated, but the writer does not focus details to elaborate on the main theme of the story. (“ One exciting time I had was play paintball. “)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of intended audience. (“I am having my party there. I don't know how many friends I can invite. I hope it doesn't cost much.”)

The writer does not provide details that satisfy the purpose of the task. (“One exciting time I had was play paintball. I am having my party there. I don't know how many friends I can invite.”)

Content & Development

The setting is not developed; providing details about the characters’ surroundings helps readers imagine the scene in his/her mind. (“ One exciting time I had was play paintball. I am having my party there.”)

The writer mentions characters in the story, but they are not developed in detail. (“I hope I get to invite Caleb, Ryan, Jamaal, and Austin A.”)

There is no dialogue that reveals what the characters may think or say aloud. (“I hope it doesn't cost much. I hope I get to invite Caleb, Ryan, Jamaal, and Austin A.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning because it does not clearly focus on telling a story that would reveal, in great detail, the exciting experience of the writer learning to play paintball games. (“ One exciting time I had was play paintball. I am having my party there.”)

Events are not clearly in order. There are significant gaps in time sequence that hinder the flow of events in the story. (“ One exciting time I had was play paintball. I am having my party there. I don't know how many friends I can invite. I hope it doesn't cost much.”)

The story includes no identifiable ending that summarizes the theme of the prompt task. (“ I hope I get to invite Caleb, Ryan, Jamaal, and Austin A.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is inadequate in the essay. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and noticeable errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are incorrect word choices employed within the context of some sentences. (“ One exciting time I had was play paintball.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ I am having my party there. I don't know how many friends I can invite. I hope it doesn't cost much.”)

There is no style reflected on the part of the writer in terms of word choice, organization, or sentence structure. (“One exciting time I had was play paintball. I am having my party there. I don't know how many friends I can invite. I hope it doesn't cost much. I hope I get to invite Caleb, Ryan, Jamaal, and Austin A.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is inadequate in the essay. There are e rrors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized response. The essay is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“One exciting time I had was play paintball. I am having my party there. I don't know how many friends I can invite. I hope it doesn't cost much. I hope I get to invite Caleb, Ryan, Jamaal, and Austin A.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Bad Manners

Manners are like laws that set a standard for behavior, but they are unlike laws in that there is no formal system of punishment for bad manners. Examples of bad manners include not saying "please" and "thank you," keeping your elbows on the table while you are eating, and talking when someone else is talking. Have you ever used bad manners? Have you ever experienced someone's disapproval because you or a friend used bad manners?

Write a story about an experience you had with bad manners.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Today, I was at my cousin, Chelsea's, birthday party at Chuck-E. Cheese, or as I like to call it, C.E.C. It wasn't a big surprise that it was her Birthday because all she ever talked about was her birthday; it was always birthday here, and birthday there. Anyway, she and her bad manners arrived in Chuck-E. Cheese and she just shoved me out of the way and looked at her right hand that touched me and looked disgusted.

"Out of the way! VIP coming through!" she said. I stared at her and she just twirled around, took one look at me and snidely said, "Are you wearing rags?" She looked at herself wearing a pink dress, a princess tiara and exclaimed, "At least I'm precious." She walked forward with pink high heels, and flipped her hair to show crystal earrings, bragging that she's "so precious." She crowed that she was worth "a million crystals the size of a whale," and could do anything in the world. Chelsea then looked at the floor of C.E.C. and screamed, "Who cleans these dirt tops?!" as a small red ant exited the door. Everybody in the room stared hard at Chelsea; she stuck out her tongue. I then felt eyes bore into me like ice picks; I quickly moved away from Chelsea's dagger eyes, to make sure I wasn't being stared at. Yet, the party was more of a torture.

We all walked to the food counter and Chelsea caterwauled, "I want spicy wings and pepperoni pizza and make it before five minutes or I cancel my order!" "Chelsea that's enough!" her mom thundered after a crowd of people started to stare. Chelsea's mom turned, and said softly to the staring cashier, "We'll just take a large combo and Um," she started to count how many people were at the party, "6 cups, please." Chelsea crossed her scrawny arms and grumbled, "It's my party," she kept muttering to herself.

We waited at the cleanest tables and at last, the food was served. Chelsea just looked at the waiter and said, "You have a zit," the waiter look offended and skulked away silently. Chelsea used her fingers filled with a frosty pink nail polish to pick at all the chicken. She wanted to see if it was moldy. Then the ice queen poked the pizza, as if to see if it would come alive under her frigid fingers. Outrageously, she put her elbows on the tables and said that only she can put her "pretty" (scrawny) arms on it, because she's "the princess." Swiftly, she picked up the piece of chicken and devoured the meat until it was only a bone. I reached out to seize a chicken and a predatory hand hit mine. The pain filled my hand and I noticed a small, but noticeable, bruise forming in the middle of my palm. I looked up, and Chelsea was red faced with anger and shrieked, "The princess eats first!" "Chelsea!" her mom impatiently said, "Lower your voice!" "Why?" Chelsea said stubbornly, "I'm the birthday girl and YOU aren't."

Inevitably, Chelsea's answer to her mom was enough to make her speechless with rage. "You will do what I say because I am your mother!" The entire place was as silent as an empty cave. Chelsea's mom stood up and pulled Chelsea's porcine ear and her bad manners out the door. Chelsea's mom tried to say a sentence through gritted teeth; I only caught the words, "Sorry...This will never happen again...Um, goodbye." I stared at Chelsea and as they walked away, she began shouting, "Ow, ow, my precious ear!" Chelsea's mom was still pulling till they reached their sedan.

Chelsea and her mom disappeared as they drove away. My mom stared at the direction they disappeared and then she asked me, "Chicken?"

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the narrative. Throughout the narrative, the writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer uses descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story. The writer reflectively showcases his/her experience with bad manners.

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. Throughout the story, the writer builds anticipation for the bad manners that the character Chelsea exhibits. Readers are drawn into these experiences and can feel as though they are witnessing the events through the narrator’s eyes. (“‘Out of the way! VIP coming through!’ she said. I stared at her and she just twirled around, took one look at me and snidely said, ‘Are you wearing rags?’”)

All of the details in the story focus on the main event. Readers are pulled into the horrifying scenario, and relevant, effective details concerning the characters and setting are provided to enhance the readers’ experience. The writer succeeds in describing the circumstances and the subsequent experiences at the restaurant. (“Anyway, she and her bad manners arrived in Chuck-E. Cheese…Chelsea then looked at the floor of C.E.C. and screamed, ‘Who cleans these dirt tops?!’ as a small red ant exited the door. Everybody in the room stared hard at Chelsea; she stuck out her tongue.”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. All of the supporting details very effectively communicate the writer’s experience as a witness to bad manners. (“We all walked to the food counter and Chelsea caterwauled, ‘I want spicy wings and pepperoni pizza and make it before five minutes or I cancel my order!’”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the narrative. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with supporting characters that round out the narrative. The writer clearly establishes a build up to the climax of a character’s bad manners and the writer’s experiences in witnessing them. In doing so, the writer heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story.

The characters included in the writer’s examples are relevant and believable. For example, the writer includes specific and related details about her individual experience with her cousin’s bad manners. (“Swiftly, she picked up the piece of chicken and devoured the meat until it was only a bone. I reached out to seize a chicken and a predatory hand hit mine. The pain filled my hand and I noticed a small, but noticeable, bruise forming in the middle of my palm. I looked up, and Chelsea was red faced with anger and shrieked, ‘The princess eats first!’”)

There is very effective information about what happened before the event. In the beginning of the story, we find the writer is reluctantly attending his/her cousin’s birthday party at a restaurant, Chuck-E. Cheese. (“Today, I was at my cousin, Chelsea's, birthday party at Chuck-E. Cheese, or as I like to call it, C.E.C. It wasn't a big surprise that it was her Birthday because all she ever talked about was her birthday; it was always birthday here, and birthday there. Anyway, she and her bad manners arrived in Chuck-E. Cheese…”)

There is very effective information about what happened during the event. The writer provides relevant details about his/her cousin’s bad manners throughout the narrative. (“‘Chelsea!’ her mom impatiently said, ‘Lower your voice!’ ‘Why?’ Chelsea said stubbornly, ‘I'm the birthday girl and YOU aren't.’”)

Organization

The narrative’s organization is very effective. The writer captures the readers ’ attention by providing a clever opening to the story. The writing flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development, and the writer provides an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The story very effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer skillfully creates a picture of the ill-mannered character, Chelsea. (“…and she just shoved me out of the way and looked at her right hand that touched me and looked disgusted.”)

Subtle transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story and promote a sense of flow. (“Inevitably, Chelsea's answer to her mom was enough to make her speechless with rage.”)

The story demonstrates a very effective ending, emphasizing a comical sense of relief once the person exhibiting bad manners is removed from the narrative. (“I stared at Chelsea and as they walked away, she began shouting, ‘Ow, ow, my precious ear!’ Chelsea's mom was still pulling till they reached their sedan. Chelsea and her mom disappeared as they drove away. My mom stared at the direction they disappeared and then she asked me, ‘Chicken?’”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes precise language choices to effectively illustrate his/her experiences with his/her ill-mannered friend. (“Then the ice queen poked the pizza, as if to see if it would come alive under her frigid fingers. ”) Words such as “ice queen” and “frigid fingers” help to develop a sense of the ill-mannered character, Chelsea.

The writer’s coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the story. (“I then felt eyes bore into me like ice picks; I quickly moved away from Chelsea's dagger eyes, to make sure I wasn't being stared at. Yet, the party was more of a torture. ”)

There is strong voice from the writer throughout the story. Readers can feel the writer’s unease with his/her bad-mannered friend. (“Swiftly, she picked up the piece of chicken and devoured the meat until it was only a bone. I reached out to seize a chicken and a predatory hand hit mine. The pain filled my hand and I noticed a small, but noticeable, bruise forming in the middle of my palm. I looked up, and Chelsea was red faced with anger and shrieked, ‘The princess eats first!’ ”) The writer effectively paints a picture of his/her ill-mannered friend as an animal by using words such as, “devoured,” “predatory,” and “shrieked.”

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Last week, my sister and I went to a school supplies shop to buy some lead pencils for school. Ominously, my friend warned me, and said, "That store is the meanest store in the world!" I brushed the warning off; I didn't care about it. My sister collected $5.50 worth of lead pencil supplies, as well as a Hello Kitty purse that she wanted to buy.

When we reached to the store's register, there was one mean-looking grandma seated on the store's dirty tile floor. Looking up with her wrinkled brow, she said "What do you want?! Hurry up! I don't have a time for this!" she screeched like a doomed hen.

My plucky sister said, "You're so mean to people!" The old, mean-looking grandma hit us with a skinny broomstick and said, "Do not talk back, you chicken!" She had terrible manners.

We just picked up the lead pencil supplies, ready to buy. That grandma said, "Do not touch the merchandise! If you touch it, then you cannot come into this store ever again!" At that time, I wanted to hit that old-bag-lady with a car because of her awful manners.

Finally, my sister got $5.50 worth of lead pencil supplies. That old lady said, "There is no change. You need to give me $20.00. You cannot run away!" We just ran away from that horrible store. That store's grandma held the meanest person I ever encountered. I think she is sub-human.

That night, we determinedly made plans to go and buy my sister's lead pencil supplies. My sister said, "Let's just get a tape and roll it around that old lady's mouth!" I told her, we can't hurt her, even though that old lady had terrible manners. She was the meanest; a filthy animal! Not human!" We had one idea to fix that filthy lady's brain.

The next day, we got a tape player and recorded that old lady talking; we were going to take our documentation to the police! When she saw us, she said, "You cannot spy on an older person like that!" She kicked us with her elderly, slippered foot, and then we ran away.

There was just one way to stop this. We wanted get tape and roll it round her mouth, run away and never look back. We wanted some sticky, silver tape to trundle up her nasty mouth. We wanted her bad manners trussed up like a goose. However, we asked our parents to take us to the store. That evening, with our parents by our sides, we bought my sister’s pencils and kept our good manners. After that day, I never saw that old lady again.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are well stated. (“The old, mean-looking grandma hit us with a skinny broomstick and said, ‘Do not talk back, you chicken!’ She had terrible manners.”) The writer establishes a focal point within the narrative through the character of the bad-mannered shopkeeper.

The parts of the story relate to the main event. (“That grandma said, ‘Do not touch the merchandise! If you touch it, then you cannot come into this store ever again!’ At that time, I wanted to hit that old-bag-lady with a car because of her awful manners.”) The writer consistently utilizes negative language, such as “old-bag-lady,” to describe the bad-tempered shopkeeper, which helps to maintain the focus of the central idea of the response.

The details in the story focus on the main event. (“The next day, we got a tape player and recorded that old lady talking; we were going to take our documentation to the police! When she saw us, she said, ‘You cannot spy on an older person like that!’ She kicked us with her elderly, slippered foot, and then we ran away.”) The writer provides the readers with a humorous sequence of events that support the notion that the shopkeeper mentioned in the narrative exhibited bad manners.

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer provides a well-developed plot and setting. The writer introduces readers to believable characters who impact the story. Dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Details are used to develop the main events of the story effectively. The writer consistently reveals the experiences of the main character as frightening. (“That old lady said, ‘There is no change. You need to give me $20.00. You cannot run away!’ We just ran away from that horrible store. That store's grandma held the meanest person I ever encountered. I think she is sub-human.”) He/she uses short, staccato dialogue to create a disjointed and uncomfortable mood.

The setting is effectively developed with details. (“When we reached to the store's register, there was one mean-looking grandma seated on the store's dirty tile floor. Looking up with her wrinkled brow, she said ‘ What do you want?! Hurry up! I don't have a time for this! ’ she screeched like a doomed hen. ”) The writer effectively describes the main character of the shopkeeper by using speech tags (“…she screeched like a doomed hen.”) and physical descriptors (“wrinkled brow”).

The plot is effectively developed. (“My plucky sister said, ‘You're so mean to people!’ The old, mean-looking grandma hit us with a skinny broomstick and said, ‘Do not talk back, you chicken!’ She had terrible manners.”) The writer successfully creates a man vs. man plot: The narrator and the character of the sister are engaged in a conflict with a bad-mannered shopkeeper.

Organization

The story effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning by using the technique of foreshadowing. (“Last week, my sister and I went to a school supplies shop to buy some lead pencils for school. Ominously, my friend warned me, and said, ‘That store is the meanest store in the world!’ I brushed the warning off; I didn't care about it. ”) The narrator ignores a warning by a friend that he/she is likely to run into trouble if he/she shops at a local school supplies store.

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. (“That night, we determinedly made plans… The next day, we got a tape player… ”)

The story includes an effective ending. (“That evening, with our parents by our sides, we bought my sister’s pencils and kept our good manners. After that day, I never saw that old lady again. ”) The narrator indicates that the main conflict in the story is bad manners. Therefore, the writer creates a contrast between the ill-mannered old lady and the narrator by indicating that the narrator and the character of the sister “kept our [their] good manners.”

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent. (“‘Do not touch the merchandise! If you touch it, then you cannot come into this store ever again!’ ”) The writer uses short, stilted, and exclamatory dialogue to show how the bad-mannered shop keeper bullied the children who entered her store.

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the story. (“My sister said, ‘Let's just get a tape and roll it around that old lady's mouth!’ I told her, ‘We can't hurt her, even though that old lady had terrible manners. She was the meanest; a filthy animal! Not human!’ ”)

The writer employs good word choices to convey characterization. (“…she screeched like a doomed hen…. trussed up like a goose… ”) He/she compares the bad-mannered “old lady” to a grouchy bird by using phrases such as “screeched liked a doomed hen” and “trussed up like a goose.”

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

"Nicole, sit up straight or you will have to do company" yelled my mom. "OK" I said. Oh brother! I always get yelled for manners, but my brother doesn't. It is such a pain in the butt, being yelled at for manners.

We were eating our spaghetti, and oh no! Something hit me. I knew I was going to be yelled at for elbows on the table! "Nicole elbows," said my dad. “NICOLE I SAID ELBOWS OFF THE TABLE!!!" my dad screamed with rage. I got sent up to my room for bad manners, because I was spewing spaghetti from my mouth. Spaghetti came out of my nose from laughing to hard.

I was humiliated because my favorite person (Mr.Gueido) was there. I was about to scream with rage because my brother made a funny joke. I got sent to my room. I slammed the door shut. My dad came upstairs and said he “had enough.” I heard my mom say, “Nicole normally doesn't act like this, it is because of a social studies test, I think. I'm so sorry!”

"It's okay; it is amusing if this happens at my house. my wife sends them up to there room so they know better." “You sure?” my mom asked. "It's okay" he said with a stern but jolly voice.

"Nicole you can come back to eat" my mom said. "Okay" I moaned. I crawled downstairs and said "I'm sorry for everything everybody." “It's okay” everybody replied.

I learned my lessons about bad manners.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains adequate focus and meaning in the narrative. The narrative reveals a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides descriptions and details that are relevant to the story.

The writer states the main event of the story adequately. (“I always get yelled for manners…”)

The writer focuses on the consequences of his/her poor table manners throughout the narrative. (“I knew I was going to be yelled at for elbows on the table!”)

The writer utilizes the first-person point of view to relate each character’s actions and to maintain the focus of the events within the narrative. (“I got sent up to my room for bad manners, because I was spewing spaghetti from my mouth.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate in the narrative. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting with relevant and believable characters. The story of the narrator’s bad manners holds the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. The writer shares characters’ thoughts through the use of dialogue.

The writer’s use of dialogue in the narrative is adequate. (“‘Nicole elbows,’ said my dad. ‘NICOLE I SAID ELBOWS OFF THE TABLE!!!’ my dad screamed with rage.”) Since the character of “dad” is not fully developed, the writer’s use of dialogue seems disconnected from the story. The writer should focus on adding more details about the characters who are speaking in order to connect them to the narrative.

The writer provides adequate details that all relate to the main event. (“Spaghetti came out of my nose from laughing to hard.”) In order to fully develop the narrative, the writer should focus on using clear, sufficient, and appropriate details to fully support his/her ideas.

The writer briefly provides a conflict in the story when a character of importance, “Mr. Gueido,” is introduced. He/she becomes humiliated not only because of his/her behavior, but also because he/she was reprimanded in front of an important guest. (“I was humiliated because my favorite person (Mr.Gueido) was there.”)

Organization

There is adequate organization in the narrative. The writer provides an adequate opening to the story that keeps readers reading. The story generally flows smoothly from one event to another with adequate transitions to support sequential development. The story’s ending is adequate in the narrative response.

The beginning demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by providing dialogue that highlights the central conflict. (“‘Nicole, sit up straight or you will have to do company’ yelled my mom. ”)

The story comes to a very abrupt end and lacks a summary or lesson learned that would give the intended audience a sense of closure. (“I learned my lessons about bad manners. ”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“‘You sure?’ my mom asked. ‘It's okay’ he said with a stern but jolly voice. ”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the narrative. The writer provides language that adequately describes the humiliation felt when having to apologize for his/her bad manners. (“‘Okay’ I moaned. I crawled downstairs and said ‘I'm sorry for everything everybody. ’)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of bad manners. (“I slammed the door shut. My dad came upstairs and said he ‘had enough.’ ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure sentences begin with capital letters, have subject-verb agreement, and end with appropriate punctuation marks. Word selections should also be spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs should be indicated with line breaks. (“I learned my lessons about bad manners. ”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

It was a hot summer day. The sky was blue, the ocean was green, it was a hot yet nice day. I was with my friends Nick and Ben at the burger joint, Stuffed Surfer, on the sand in Newport Beach, C.A. while waiting for our food, we started kicking sand on the boardwalk. then we hear a voice from a man asking to stop. We ignored him; we were just being boys and kept kicking sand on the boardwalk.

Then we heard the voice again: "Stop, stop kicking sand." we still ignored him the man kept saying "Stop" until we got our food. when I was done I started kicking sand again! Then the strange man started walking over and I got scared and rode on my bike away. I rode down the boardwalk very fast.

Right when I think the man is not going to chase me he started to chase me. now I was really freaked out! He only chased me on the boardwalk when I went in the alley he was gone. The next day, Nick's mom got a call from the city involving our bad manners.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the narrative. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides limited descriptions and details that may not give readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The writer states the main event of the story in a very limited way. (“We ignored him; we were just being boys and kept kicking sand on the boardwalk.”)

The writer’s focus is limited in the narrative. The writer focuses limited details about the consequences of having bad manners. (“then we hear a voice from a man asking to stop.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the narrative. In providing more relevant details, readers will be able to fully appreciate the story unfolding in the writer’s mind. (“Then the strange man started walking over and I got scared and rode on my bike away.”) For example, the writer refers to a “strange man” within the response but does not explain what made the man ‘strange,’ thereby leaving the readers confused as to the character’s importance within the narrative.

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The narrative reveals very limited plot, setting, and characters, and lacks sufficient details to make this more than a summary of a character’s experience with bad manners. The writer discusses bad manners, but the importance of the problem in the story is lacking. The writer implements only a limited use of dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Although the writer provides brief information to state the purpose of the narrative, limited details are used to develop the main events of the story. (“then we hear a voice from a man asking to stop. We ignored him; we were just being boys and kept kicking sand on the boardwalk.”)

The details about characters in the story are limited. The writer introduces his/her friends, “Nick and Ben,” into the narrative but does not describe them in any way. (“I was with my friends Nick and Ben at the burger joint, Stuffed Surfer, on the sand in Newport Beach, C.A. while waiting for our food, we started kicking sand on the boardwalk.”)

The writer does not implement sufficient use of dialogue in the narrative. By including dialogue, the writer can share the thoughts of characters in the story. (“Then we heard the voice again: ‘Stop, stop kicking sand.’ we still ignored him the man kept saying ‘Stop’ until we got our food.”) Although the writer does utilize some dialogue, he/she does not use dialogue to reveal the personality of the character speaking.

Organization

The beginning of the narrative attempts to grab the readers’ attention in a way that would entice them to continue reading. The writer initially refers to the setting of the narrative in order to create mood for the readers. (“It was a hot summer day. ”)

The writer’s elementary transitional words and phrases are sometimes used to connect events in the story and lead readers through the narrative. (“now I was really freaked out! ”) He/she should use the “Quarter to Fifty Dollar” word bank in the MY Access! Resource and Training Center to help him/her choose more sophisticated transitional words and phrases in order to promote a sense of flow within the response.

The writer does not provide an ending that gives the readers a sense of closure. At the very end of the story, the writer implies that there was a consequence for his/her bad manners, but the conclusion is abrupt and leaves the readers with a sense that the narrative is incomplete. (“The next day, Nick's mom got a call from the city involving our bad manners. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates a limited use of language, voice, and style in the narrative. The narrative reveals simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, the word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

Some sentences are short. (“I rode down the boardwalk very fast. ”) The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the story more interesting to the intended audience.

Oftentimes, the writer uses the same words within sentences. The writer’s use of the word “Then,” for example, is glaringly repetitive. (“Then we heard the voice again… Then the strange man started walking over… ”)

The sentences are too informal, and word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“when I was done I started kicking sand again! ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should make sure each sentence begins with a capital letter, has a subject and a verb (an action), and ends with an appropriate punctuation mark. New paragraphs should be indicated with line breaks, and the writer should check for the correct spelling of words and ensure proper usage of words within the context of sentences. (“then we hear a voice from a man asking to stop.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

i have bad manners. i saw a boy stick out his tongue and spit rasberries at the teacher. That was verry rude! my cousin was talks and he spit all over my clothes and my face. After he spit on me, he just went on talking as if nothing happened. while I was playing on my laptop, he spit all over my laptop too he just walked away as if nothing happened and he didn't do anything. it took me 20 minutes to clean up my laptop. myy cousin has very bad manners.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the narrative. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The narrative does not satisfy most of the elements of the prompt task.

The story only minimally states the main event of the story. (“my cousin was talks and he spit all over my clothes and my face. … myy cousin has very bad manners.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give readers a true sense of his/her experience with bad manners. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“i saw a boy stick out his tongue and spit rasberries at the teacher. … my cousin was talks and he spit all over my clothes and my face.”)

The writer’s details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“my cousin was talks and he spit all over my clothes and my face. … myy cousin has very bad manners..”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. The story lacks tension or conflict to make it interesting. Little to no dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Only minimal details are used to develop the main events of the story. The plot is only minimally developed. The writer briefly addresses his/her experiences with bad manners, but these ideas are not developed in a way that enhances the writer’s message. (“i have bad manners. …myy cousin has very bad manners.”)

The writer does not provide a narrative that includes a detailed setting or characters. There are no descriptions of the setting, and the writer does not attempt to describe the characters in any way. (“my cousin was talks and he spit all over my clothes and my face. After he spit on me, he just went on talking as if nothing happened.”)

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is not sufficiently developed. (“while I was playing on my laptop, he spit all over my laptop too he just walked away as if nothing happened and he didn't do anything. it took me 20 minutes to clean up my laptop.”)

Organization

The story attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning with a simple declarative statement. (“i have bad manners. ”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. (“i saw a boy stick out his tongue and spit rasberries at the teacher. …my cousin was talks and he spit all over my clothes and my face. ”) By including more effective transitions, the writer can create an effective flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence.

The story minimally demonstrates an ending. (“myy cousin has very bad manners. ”) The narrative fails to reveal insightful lessons the writer may have learned through the experiences in the story, and it does not attempt to leave readers with too much to think about once the story is over.

Language Use & Style

Exact words are missing, and errors in syntax are evident. These errors impede the readers’ ability to follow the writer’s narrative with understanding. (“my cousin was talks and he spit all over my clothes and my face.”)

There are several run-on sentences in the narrative. The writer needs to phrase ideas in an effective way to clearly communicate events throughout the narrative. (“while I was playing on my laptop, he spit all over my laptop too he just walked away as if nothing happened and he didn't do anything. ”)

The language is simple and repetitive. Word choices and sentence structure do not effectively communicate the writer’s story to the intended audience. (“i have bad manners. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

One day at school I had some bad maners. i was talking to my friend when the teacher was talking and it was about our feild trip at IOLANI PALACE. i was just talking to my friend. so on that feid trip i whent to the ofice because i was bad so that is bad manners.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the narrative are inadequate. The writer demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story. The narrative does not satisfy the main components of the task.

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is stated, but the writer does not focus details to elaborate on the main theme of the story. (“One day at school I had some bad maners.” )

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of intended audience. (“i was talking to my friend when the teacher was talking and it was about our feild trip at IOLANI PALACE.”)

The writer does not provide details that satisfy the purpose of the task. (“i was just talking to my friend.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer does not provide an identifiable plot and setting. Characters are introduced but not developed. The lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow; in other words, not much happens.

The setting is not developed , and providing details about the characters’ surroundings helps each reader imagine the scene in his/her mind. (“so on that feid trip i whent to the ofice because i was bad so that is bad manners. ”)

The writer mentions characters in the story, but they are not developed in detail. (“i was just talking to my friend.”)

There is no dialogue that reveals what the characters may think or say aloud. (“i was talking to my friend when the teacher was talking and it was about our feild trip at IOLANI PALACE.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the narrative is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning because it does not clearly focus on telling a story that would reveal, in great detail, an incident where one has bad manners. (“One day at school I had some bad maners. ”)

Events are not clearly in order. There are significant gaps in time sequence that hinder the flow of events in the story. (“i was just talking to my friend. so on that feid trip i whent to the ofice because i was bad so that is bad manners. ”)

The story includes no identifiable ending that summarizes the theme of the prompt task. (“so on that feid trip i whent to the ofice because i was bad so that is bad manners. ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is inadequate in the narrative. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice with no a wareness of audience and noticeable errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are incorrect word choices employed within the context of some sentences. (“so on that feid trip i whent to the ofice because i was bad so that is bad manners. ”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“i was just talking to my friend. ”)

There is no style reflected on the part of the writer in terms of word choices, organization, or sentence structure. (“i was talking to my friend when the teacher was talking and it was about our feild trip at IOLANI PALACE.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Celebrating a Special Day with Family Traditions

People celebrate special days by doing things their families have done for many years. This is called following a tradition. For example, in America , many families have a big turkey with pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving Day. What traditions are followed in your family? Choose one and describe it so we can all imagine we are right there with you.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

I stare at the turkey roasting in the oven. It looked so delicious and scrumptious. I could just taste the lemon-glazed turkey touching my tongue and my taste buds exploding with rich laughter and my head spinning with confusion. I could just taste the creamy mashed potatoes in a river of gravy flowing into my mouth with the grace of a swan flying over a sea of fruit punch that drowns my mouth in happiness. I sigh and glance over at my mother chopping onions for the stuffing. I decided join her by chopping peppers and garlic cloves. I shot a glance at my brother sitting on the stair steps stuffing his face with a piece of home-made pumpkin pie straight from the oven. He claimed he was helping my dad decorate when everybody knew that laziness was a well-known feature of Logan .

Ding! The timer beeped and I hastily grabbed my oven mitts and carefully took the turkey out of the oven. The smell of lemon turkey filled my senses and I breathe in. Ah. I feel like drifting off into a dream when my oven mitt slips off and I burn myself. "Ouch!" I exclaim. I put the turkey on the counter and slip my oven mitt back on. I then decide to go check on things with my dad. I walked into the hallway and see glittering tinsel hanging from the ceiling, giant candy cane posters attached to the wall, and a million Santa's dancing around my fingertips. It was a winter wonderland. I swiftly turn my head and see my dad hanging red and green streamers across the stair handles. I walk over to my dad and look into the big box of Christmas tree ornaments. "Dad," I said. "Yes?" "I was wondering, didn't you use these for the tree?" "Oh, Uh, yeah, those were just extras." "Can I see the tree, dad?" It was coming to be very suspicious. "Yeah, it's just in the living room. Hey Honey, come see the tree while I show Isabella!" He walked through the hallway and made a twirl. My mom entered the room and my dad opened the door. "I call it Christmas Tree of Glee." I stared in bewilderment. "It's not that good, is it?" "Dad, you, you didn't get the tree!" My father stared into the empty room. Here, it's the 24 of December, the day before Christmas, it's 7:00 p.m., and my dad didn't get the tree yet.

My mom and I have our mouths agape. "What can we do?" My mom wondered, panicking. "I have an idea." I say, mischievously. "What?" Mother questions. "We can go and try to get a Christmas tree right this very minute, then decorate it when we get back." "That is a great idea. Dad, you stay here while we go get the tree." We bound into our shiny midnight black Lexus and pell-mell to the 48th street. We slam on the brakes and get out as we see the giant blowup Santa Clause. We enter the huge white dome and ask the lady if there are any trees left. "No, we do not have any trees, sorry." She handed me a candy cane and wished us a Merry Christmas. We again slammed on the gas as we drove to the 65th street. The same thing happened there and at 78th and 93rd. I had collected candy-canes at each one and had been wished a great Christmas by at least 10 people. We finally decided to give up and go home.

When we were home we reported the news. My face was slightly more of a frown. I plopped down on the couch and looked over the events of the night. My brother bounded into the room and told me something that I wanted to hear. We had found a solution. I leaped out of my chair and raced over to the living room. There, my mother, father, and brother were all decorating our fake tree. I looked at them and smiled. I joined in by putting a red bulb on the right side and completed it with the star.

After we were done, we re-heated the food in the micro-wave and ate up! "This is delicious!" I commented on my mom's cherry pie. "Thank you for the compliment." She answered. My smile was so bright that it could have over-lit the sun. I could hardly wait until the next day. I went to bed and dreamed about a smorgasbord of presents under our tree. I dreamed about sugarplums and candy-canes. I dreamed about ripping open present after present, checking off everything on my list, and getting more. I woke up to a blood-curdling scream filled with joy. It was my sister. I ran down to the living room, and I saw her standing there, mouth agape, staring at a pink bike with pompoms hanging off the ends. I ripped open my first present. An i-pod! The second one, a phone! It just kept getting better! The third one, a way-cool Hollister jacket, fourth, a make-up kit! I bolted into my parents' room and woke them up. We all opened stockings and had fun together. It turns out everything was what I wanted, and more!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are found in this narrative. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Furthermore, the writer provides description and details that are all relevant to the story.

The setting (where and when the story takes places) is developed very effectively. (“I walked into the hallway and see glittering tinsel hanging from the ceiling, giant candy cane posters attached to the wall, and a million Santa's dancing around my fingertips. It was a winter wonderland. I swiftly turn my head and see my dad hanging red and green streamers across the stair handles.”)

The sensory words (words that describe how something looks, tastes, sounds, feels, or smells) are developed very effectively. (“I stare at the turkey roasting in the oven. It looked so delicious and scrumptious. I could just taste the lemon-glazed turkey touching my tongue and my taste buds exploding with rich laughter and my head spinning with confusion. I could just taste the creamy mashed potatoes in a river of gravy flowing into my mouth with the grace of a swan flying over a sea of fruit punch that drowns my mouth in happiness.”)

The details of the story support the topic and purpose very effectively. (“ I ran down to the living room and I saw her standing there, mouth agape, staring at a pink bike with pompoms hanging off the ends. I ripped open my first present. An i-pod! The second one, a phone! It just kept getting better! The third one, a way-cool Hollister jacket, fourth, a make-up kit! I bolted into my parents' room and woke them up. We all opened stockings and had fun together. It turns out everything was what I wanted, and more!”)

Content & Development

The content and development in this story are very effective. The narrative provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting and creates complex characters. The writer clearly establishes tension, conflict, or a problem that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used very effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Detail is used to develop the main events of the story very effectively. (“When we were home we reported the news. My face was slightly more of a frown. I plopped down on the couch and looked over the events of the night. My brother bounded into the room and told me something that I wanted to hear. We had found a solution. I leaped out of my chair and raced over to the living room. There, my mother, father, and brother were all decorating our fake tree. I looked at them and smiled. I joined in by putting a red bulb on the right side and completed it with the star.”)

There is very effective sensory detail about the setting (how it looks, smells, feels, etc.). (“I put the turkey on the counter and slip my oven mitt back on. I then decide to go check on things with my dad. I walked into the hallway and see glittering tinsel hanging from the ceiling, giant candy cane posters attached to the wall, and a million Santa's dancing around my fingertips. It was a winter wonderland. I swiftly turn my head and see my dad hanging red and green streamers across the stair handles.”)

Dialogue is used very effectively to illustrate the problem or conflict. (“My mom and I have our mouths agape. ‘What can we do?’ My mom wondered, panicking. ‘I have an idea.’ I say, mischievously. ‘What?’ Mother questions. ‘We can go and try to get a Christmas tree right this very minute, then decorate it when we get back.’ ‘That is a great idea. Dad, you stay here while we go get the tree.’ We bound into our shiny midnight black Lexus and pell-mell to the 48th street. We slam on the brakes and get out as we see the giant blowup Santa Clause. We enter the huge white dome and ask the lady if there are any trees left. ‘No, we do not have any trees, sorry.’ She handed me a candy cane and wished us a Merry Christmas. We again slammed on the gas as we drove to the 65th street. The same thing happened there and at 78th and 93rd. I had collected candy-canes at each one and had been wished a great Christmas by at least 10 people. We finally decided to give up and go home.”)

The outcome or resolution is very effectively described. (“After we were done, we re-heated the food in the micro-wave and ate up! ‘This is delicious!’ I commented on my mom's cherry pie. ‘Thank you for the compliment.’ She answered. My smile was so bright that it could have over-lit the sun. I could hardly wait until the next day. I went to bed and dreamed about a smorgasbord of presents under our tree. I dreamed about sugarplums and candy-canes. I dreamed about ripping open present after present, checking off everything on my list, and getting more. I woke up to a blood-curdling scream filled with joy. It was my sister. I ran down to the living room and I saw her standing there, mouth agape, staring at a pink bike with pompoms hanging off the ends. I ripped open my first present. An i-pod! The second one, a phone! It just kept getting better! The third one, a way-cool Hollister jacket, fourth, a make-up kit! I bolted into my parents' room and woke them up. We all opened stockings and had fun together. It turns out everything was what I wanted, and more!”)

Organization

The story demonstrates very effective organization. The writer captures the readers’ attention by cleverly opening the story. The narrative flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development and an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The mood in the beginning is set very effectively with sensory words (feels, smells, looks, sounds, etc.). (“I stare at the turkey roasting in the oven. It looked so delicious and scrumptious. I could just taste the lemon-glazed turkey touching my tongue and my taste buds exploding with rich laughter and my head spinning with confusion. I could just taste the creamy mashed potatoes in a river of gravy flowing into my mouth with the grace of a swan flying over a sea of fruit punch that drowns my mouth in happiness. I sigh and glance over at my mother chopping onions for the stuffing. I decided join her by chopping peppers and garlic cloves. I shot a glance at my brother sitting on the stair steps stuffing his face with a piece of home-made pumpkin pie straight from the oven. He claimed he was helping my dad decorate when everybody knew that laziness was a well-known feature of Logan .”)

The story very effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“I stare at the turkey roasting in the oven. It looked so delicious and scrumptious. I could just taste the lemon-glazed turkey touching my tongue and my taste buds exploding with rich laughter and my head spinning with confusion. I could just taste the creamy mashed potatoes in a river of gravy flowing into my mouth with the grace of a swan flying over a sea of fruit punch that drowns my mouth in happiness. I sigh and glance over at my mother chopping onions for the stuffing. I decided join her by chopping peppers and garlic cloves. I shot a glance at my brother sitting on the stair steps stuffing his face with a piece of home-made pumpkin pie straight from the oven. He claimed he was helping my dad decorate when everybody knew that laziness was a well-known feature of Logan .”)

Transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“When we were home we reported the news. … After we were done, we re-heated the food in the micro-wave and ate up!”)

The ending very effectively includes details about the resolution and main character’s feelings. (“After we were done, we re-heated the food in the micro-wave and ate up! ‘This is delicious!’ I commented on my mom's cherry pie. ‘Thank you for the compliment.’ She answered. My smile was so bright that it could have over-lit the sun. I could hardly wait until the next day. I went to bed and dreamed about a smorgasbord of presents under our tree. I dreamed about sugarplums and candy-canes. I dreamed about ripping open present after present, checking off everything on my list, and getting more. I woke up to a blood-curdling scream filled with joy. It was my sister. I ran down to the living room and I saw her standing there, mouth agape, staring at a pink bike with pompoms hanging off the ends. I ripped open my first present. An i-pod! The second one, a phone! It just kept getting better! The third one, a way-cool Hollister jacket, fourth, a make-up kit! I bolted into my parents' room and woke them up. We all opened stockings and had fun together. It turns out everything was what I wanted, and more!”)

Language Use & Style

The story displays very effective use of language and style. The writing demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience; well-structured and varied sentences are used as well.

The second body paragraph is aligned well with the third body paragraph through the following language and tone: “ I stare at the turkey roasting in the oven. It looked so delicious and scrumptious. I could just taste the lemon-glazed turkey touching my tongue and my taste buds exploding with rich laughter and my head spinning with confusion. I could just taste the creamy mashed potatoes in a river of gravy flowing into my mouth with the grace of a swan flying over a sea of fruit punch that drowns my mouth in happiness. I sigh and glance over at my mother chopping onions for the stuffing. I decided join her by chopping peppers and garlic cloves. I shot a glance at my brother sitting on the stair steps stuffing his face with a piece of home-made pumpkin pie straight from the oven. He claimed he was helping my dad decorate when everybody knew that laziness was a well-known feature of Logan . …Ding! The timer beeped and I hastily grabbed my oven mitts and carefully took the turkey out of the oven. The smell of lemon turkey filled my senses and I breathe in. Ah. I feel like drifting off into a dream when my oven mitt slips off and I burn myself. ‘Ouch!’ I exclaim. I put the turkey on the counter and slip my oven mitt back on. I then decide to go check on things with my dad. I walked into the hallway and see glittering tinsel hanging from the ceiling, giant candy cane posters attached to the wall, and a million Santa's dancing around my fingertips. It was a winter wonderland. I swiftly turn my head and see my dad hanging red and green streamers across the stair handles. I walk over to my dad and look into the big box of Christmas tree ornaments. ‘Dad,’ I said. ‘Yes?’ ‘I was wondering, didn't you use these for the tree?’ ‘Oh, Uh, yeah, those were just extras.’ ‘Can I see the tree, dad?’ It was coming to be very suspicious. ‘Yeah, it's just in the living room. Hey Honey, come see the tree while I show Isabella!’ He walked through the hallway and made a twirl. My mom entered the room and my dad opened the door. ‘I call it Christmas Tree of Glee.’ I stared in bewilderment. ‘It's not that good, is it?’ ‘Dad, you, you didn't get the tree!’ My father stared into the empty room. Here, it's the 24 of December, the day before Christmas, it's 7:00 p.m., and my dad didn't get the tree yet.”

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the last two paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“ When we were home we reported the news. My face was slightly more of a frown. I plopped down on the couch and looked over the events of the night. My brother bounded into the room and told me something that I wanted to hear. We had found a solution. I leaped out of my chair and raced over to the living room. There, my mother, father, and brother were all decorating our fake tree. I looked at them and smiled. I joined in by putting a red bulb on the right side and completed it with the star. …After we were done, we re-heated the food in the micro-wave and ate up! ‘This is delicious!’ I commented on my mom's cherry pie. ‘Thank you for the compliment.’ She answered. My smile was so bright that it could have over-lit the sun. I could hardly wait until the next day. I went to bed and dreamed about a smorgasbord of presents under our tree. I dreamed about sugarplums and candy-canes. I dreamed about ripping open present after present, checking off everything on my list, and getting more. I woke up to a blood-curdling scream filled with joy. It was my sister. I ran down to the living room, and I saw her standing there, mouth agape, staring at a pink bike with pompoms hanging off the ends. I ripped open my first present. An i-pod! The second one, a phone! It just kept getting better! The third one, a way-cool Hollister jacket, fourth, a make-up kit! I bolted into my parents' room and woke them up. We all opened stockings and had fun together. It turns out everything was what I wanted, and more!”)

The following compound-complex sentence is used effectively: “ I ran down to the living room, and I saw her standing there, mouth agape, staring at a pink bike with pompoms hanging off the ends.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The story conveys very effective control of mechanics and conventions with f ew or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, e ach sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ When we were home we reported the news. My face was slightly more of a frown. I plopped down on the couch and looked over the events of the night. My brother bounded into the room and told me something that I wanted to hear. We had found a solution.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

Clang! Clang! Clang! Cymbals clang in the air as I stare at a lion dancing over poles. It is Chinese New Year and me my mom and my two little sisters are in Chinatown to celebrate this Chinese holiday.

As I watch the lion dance with happiness filling my body, I leap with astonishment as someone throws a pop-pop on the concrete ground. A firecrackers hanging in the air crack with madness and the sound fills my ear as I see the lion take another step. Celebrating Chinese New Year is fun and exiting, but also tiring.

After the lion dancer gets tired, they switch with another lion dancer that is waiting to dance. When the new lion dancers go on, they dance on the pole again. Lion dancers rarely fall off the poles, but just in case they fall off, people put soft mats beside the poles.

Drumming rings in my ears as the lion dancers climb onto the poles. A lion dancer climbs onto the bigger lion dancer's shoulder until they are as tall as they can be. They show themselves by turning in circles. When the dancers gets off the poles, they go around the crowd to collect money from people.

When the dancer comes by me and I put my hand in its mouth to give the dancer the money, he bites and holds my hand until I can break free. It was fun but used some energy. He does that with other people, but with young people and parents it is scary, but not with me.

The lion dancer controlling the head flips the eyes up and down and flips the lights on and off. That person also flips the ears too. That person flaps open its mouth when someone gives them money.

The dancer controlling the lion tail shakes the tail and the lion's behind. That person has to crouch down on the ground and move about while shaking the tail so the behind is hard to do.

Playing with the tail and the soft fur is fun to do. You can touch the fur on the lion's body or play with the tail on the lion's behind. The head part is hard and stiff, but the body and the behind is soft and comfortable.

Unique detail and colors flash in my eyes when I look at the lions. There are blue lions, red lions, black lions and even yellow lions and there are more different colored lions too. They have real fur on the lions and people say that these lion dances will scare bad luck and evil away from you for the whole year.

That's a culture I celebrate, Chinese New Year and it is fun so you should celebrate it too. You can watch lion dances and play with fireworks and you will hear instruments play too.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story shows evidence of good focus and meaning. The narrative demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task, while providing description and details that are all relevant to the story.

The story states the main event well. (“Clang! Clang! Clang! Cymbals clang in the air as I stare at a lion dancing over poles. It is Chinese New Year and me my mom and my two little sisters are in Chinatown to celebrate this Chinese holiday.”)

Details in the story focus on the main event. (“As I watch the lion dance with happiness filling my body, I leap with astonishment as someone throws a pop-pop on the concrete ground. A firecrackers hanging in the air crack with madness and the sound fills my ear as I see the lion take another step. Celebrating Chinese New Year is fun and exiting, but also tiring. …After the lion dancer gets tired, they switch with another lion dancer that is waiting to dance. When the new lion dancers go on, they dance on the pole again. Lion dancers rarely fall off the poles, but just in case they fall off, people put soft mats beside the poles.”)

The sensory words (words that describe how something looks, tastes, sounds, feels, or smells) are developed effectively. (“Clang! Clang! Clang! Cymbals clang in the air as I stare at a lion dancing over poles. It is Chinese New Year and me my mom and my two little sisters are in Chinatown to celebrate this Chinese holiday.”)

Content & Development

Good content and development are seen in this narrative. The writer provides a well-developed plot and setting with believable characters. Furthermore, tension, conflict, or a problem is established that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Detail is used to develop the main events of the story effectively. (“Playing with the tail and the soft fur is fun to do. You can touch the fur on the lion's body or play with the tail on the lion's behind. The head part is hard and stiff, but the body and the behind is soft and comfortable. …Unique detail and colors flash in my eyes when I look at the lions. There are blue lions, red lions, black lions and even yellow lions and there are more different colored lions too. They have real fur on the lions and people say that these lion dances will scare bad luck and evil away from you for the whole year. …That's a culture I celebrate, Chinese New Year and it is fun so you should celebrate it too. You can watch lion dances and play with fireworks and you will hear instruments play too.”)

There is effective sensory detail about the setting (how it looks, smells, feels, etc.). (“Clang! Clang! Clang! Cymbals clang in the air as I stare at a lion dancing over poles. It is Chinese New Year and me my mom and my two little sisters are in Chinatown to celebrate this Chinese holiday. …As I watch the lion dance with happiness filling my body, I leap with astonishment as someone throws a pop-pop on the concrete ground. A firecrackers hanging in the air crack with madness and the sound fills my ear as I see the lion take another step. Celebrating Chinese New Year is fun and exiting, but also tiring.”)

There is effective information about what happened during the event. (“When the dancer comes by me and I put my hand in its mouth to give the dancer the money, he bites and holds my hand until I can break free. It was fun but used some energy. He does that with other people, but with young people and parents it is scary, but not with me.”)

Organization

Good organization is apparent in the story. The opening excites readers to continue reading. The story flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development, while the ending provides readers with a sense of completeness.

The beginning demonstrates an effective attempt to grab readers’ attention with detail by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, an exclamation, a flashback, or foreshadowing. (“ Clang! Clang! Clang! Cymbals clang in the air as I stare at a lion dancing over poles. It is Chinese New Year and me my mom and my two little sisters are in Chinatown to celebrate this Chinese holiday.”)

The mood in the beginning is set effectively with sensory words (feels, smells, looks, sounds, etc.). (“ Clang! Clang! Clang! Cymbals clang in the air as I stare at a lion dancing over poles. It is Chinese New Year and me my mom and my two little sisters are in Chinatown to celebrate this Chinese holiday. …As I watch the lion dance with happiness filling my body, I leap with astonishment as someone throws a pop-pop on the concrete ground. A firecrackers hanging in the air crack with madness and the sound fills my ear as I see the lion take another step.”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect events in the story. (“ After the lion dancer gets tired, they switch with another lion dancer that is waiting to dance. When the new lion dancers go on, they dance on the pole again. Lion dancers rarely fall off the poles, but just in case they fall off, people put soft mats beside the poles.”)

The beginning and the ending are connected effectively. (“ Clang! Clang! Clang! Cymbals clang in the air as I stare at a lion dancing over poles. It is Chinese New Year and me my mom and my two little sisters are in Chinatown to celebrate this Chinese holiday. …That's a culture I celebrate, Chinese New Year and it is fun so you should celebrate it too. You can watch lion dances and play with fireworks and you will hear instruments play too.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in this narrative is good. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; well-structured sentences with some variety are also seen.

The language and tone are consistent in the use of sensory words, transitions, and an upbeat tone. (“ Clang! Clang! Clang! Cymbals clang in the air as I stare at a lion dancing over poles. It is Chinese New Year and me my mom and my two little sisters are in Chinatown to celebrate this Chinese holiday. …As I watch the lion dance with happiness filling my body, I leap with astonishment as someone throws a pop-pop on the concrete ground. A firecrackers hanging in the air crack with madness and the sound fills my ear as I see the lion take another step. Celebrating Chinese New Year is fun and exiting, but also tiring.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the first and second body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“ As I watch the lion dance with happiness filling my body, I leap with astonishment as someone throws a pop-pop on the concrete ground. A firecrackers hanging in the air crack with madness and the sound fills my ear as I see the lion take another step. Celebrating Chinese New Year is fun and exiting, but also tiring. …After the lion dancer gets tired, they switch with another lion dancer that is waiting to dance. When the new lion dancers go on, they dance on the pole again. Lion dancers rarely fall off the poles, but just in case they fall off, people put soft mats beside the poles.”)

The following complex sentence is used effectively: “ As I watch the lion dance with happiness filling my body, I leap with astonishment as someone throws a pop-pop on the concrete ground.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of the mechanics and conventions of formal writing. There are a f ew errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, but they do not interfere with the message . For example, m ost sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ The lion dancer controlling the head flips the eyes up and down and flips the lights on and off. That person also flips the ears too. That person flaps open its mouth when someone gives them money.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

My family tradition is Thanksgiving. On Thanksgiving I usually go to Connecticut . When I go to connecticut I go to my aunts house. My aunt is really nice. She usually does a really big dinner. She makes really good food. I also love the deserts.

And sometimes the kids will play in the play room downstairs. There's also a pool table downstairs too. When the dinner is ready we all sit down at the table ready to eat turkey. Turkey is one of my favorite foods! And then we have to clean up.

And after turkey and all the dinner food, we get to have desert. The aroma of pies and deserts fill the kitchen. But on thanksgiving my favorite desert is pumpkin pie with whipped topping! And for a drink we get to have apple cider. We can either have warm or cold cider.

But my all time favorite part of thanksgiving is playing with friends and cousins. I get to go to connecticut on Thursday. And get to see my cousins. My cousins are nice too. Thats my favorite part of thanksgiving.

After spending a long time there, I'm exausted. And I'm ready to drift off to a good night sleep. I had a good time there. And that's what I do on thanksgiving.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This story has an adequate focus and meaning and demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Additionally, the writer provides description and details that are relevant to the story.

The story states the main event adequately. (“My family tradition is Thanksgiving. On Thanksgiving I usually go to Connecticut . When I go to connecticut I go to my aunts house. My aunt is really nice. She usually does a really big dinner. She makes really good food. I also love the deserts.”)

In the beginning, the purpose of the story (to entertain, to make a statement, etc.) is adequate. (“My family tradition is Thanksgiving. On Thanksgiving I usually go to Connecticut . When I go to connecticut I go to my aunts house. My aunt is really nice. She usually does a really big dinner. She makes really good food. I also love the deserts.”)

The parts of the story relate to the main event. (“And after turkey and all the dinner food, we get to have desert. The aroma of pies and deserts fill the kitchen. But on thanksgiving my favorite desert is pumpkin pie with whipped topping! And for a drink we get to have apple cider. We can either have warm or cold cider.”)

Content & Development

Adequate content and development are seen in this narrative. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting, as well as believable characters. Also established is tension, conflict, or a problem that holds the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Adequate detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“And after turkey and all the dinner food, we get to have desert. The aroma of pies and deserts fill the kitchen. But on thanksgiving my favorite desert is pumpkin pie with whipped topping! And for a drink we get to have apple cider. We can either have warm or cold cider. …But my all time favorite part of thanksgiving is playing with friends and cousins. I get to go to connecticut on Thursday. And get to see my cousins. My cousins are nice too. Thats my favorite part of thanksgiving.”)

The plot is adequately developed. (“And after turkey and all the dinner food, we get to have desert. The aroma of pies and deserts fill the kitchen. But on thanksgiving my favorite desert is pumpkin pie with whipped topping! And for a drink we get to have apple cider. We can either have warm or cold cider. …But my all time favorite part of thanksgiving is playing with friends and cousins. I get to go to connecticut on Thursday. And get to see my cousins. My cousins are nice too. Thats my favorite part of thanksgiving.”)

Details adequately describe the story’s solution. (“After spending a long time there, I'm exausted. And I'm ready to drift off to a good night sleep. I had a good time there. And that's what I do on thanksgiving.”)

Organization

Adequate organization is provided in the story. The writer creates an interesting opening that keeps the readers reading. The story generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transitions to support sequential development.

The beginning includes only adequate background information about the event. (“ My family tradition is Thanksgiving. On Thanksgiving I usually go to Connecticut . When I go to connecticut I go to my aunts house. My aunt is really nice. She usually does a really big dinner. She makes really good food. I also love the deserts.”)

Events are clearly in order. (“ And sometimes the kids will play in the play room downstairs. There's also a pool table downstairs too. When the dinner is ready we all sit down at the table ready to eat turkey. Turkey is one of my favorite foods! And then we have to clean up. …And after turkey and all the dinner food, we get to have desert. The aroma of pies and deserts fill the kitchen. But on thanksgiving my favorite desert is pumpkin pie with whipped topping! And for a drink we get to have apple cider. We can either have warm or cold cider.”)

The story includes an adequate ending. (“ After spending a long time there, I'm exausted. And I'm ready to drift off to a good night sleep. I had a good time there. And that's what I do on thanksgiving.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in this story is adequate. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice; additionally, the writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ And after turkey and all the dinner food, we get to have desert. The aroma of pies and deserts fill the kitchen. But on thanksgiving my favorite desert is pumpkin pie with whipped topping! And for a drink we get to have apple cider. We can either have warm or cold cider.”)

Exact and specific words, such as “family” and “tradition” from the research and prompt task, are used adequately. (“ My family tradition is Thanksgiving.”)

Word choice is sometimes poor. For example, words are often too simple, such as “nice,” which is used more than once in the story. (“ My aunt is really nice. … My cousins are nice too.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer of this story conveys adequate control over the use of mechanics and conventions of standard written English. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, m any sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ There's also a pool table downstairs too. When the dinner is ready we all sit down at the table ready to eat turkey. Turkey is one of my favorite foods!”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

On thanksgiving I like to go to my aunts house and my dad is there so are my cousins and friends and my uncle.

I like to eat turkey, apple pie,ribs, mash, yams, green beans, gravy, corn, stuffing, rice with pork chops, fried chicken, and mild wings. I like thanks giving because the smell of the turkey and yams in the oven and when i see all the food on the table I just can not wait to eat.I hear talking and i taste the good turkey and more i like the smell of food. I like touching the raw foods when I help my mom cook the chicken. I like to celebrate thanks giving because it brings the family together we like to play video games and board games all the time and dance to music. It also shows family fun and get to see people you did not see in a long time like friends or family. You can see people like aunts or uncles or cousins and friends.It is always fun on Thanks giving and fun to spend it with the family.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The narrative presents a limited focus and meaning. The story demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides description and details that may not be relevant.

The writer states the main event. (“On thanksgiving I like to go to my aunts house and my dad is there so are my cousins and friends and my uncle.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“I like to eat turkey, apple pie,ribs, mash, yams, green beans, gravy, corn, stuffing, rice with pork chops, fried chicken, and mild wings. I like thanks giving because the smell of the turkey and yams in the oven and when i see all the food on the table I just can not wait to eat.I hear talking and i taste the good turkey and more i like the smell of food. I like touching the raw foods when I help my mom cook the chicken. I like to celebrate thanks giving because it brings the family together we like to play video games and board games all the time and dance to music. It also shows family fun and get to see people you did not see in a long time like friends or family. You can see people like aunts or uncles or cousins and friends.It is always fun on Thanks giving and fun to spend it with the family.”)

Details about characters are limited. (“I like to eat turkey, apple pie,ribs, mash, yams, green beans, gravy, corn, stuffing, rice with pork chops, fried chicken, and mild wings. I like thanks giving because the smell of the turkey and yams in the oven and when i see all the food on the table I just can not wait to eat.I hear talking and i taste the good turkey and more i like the smell of food. I like touching the raw foods when I help my mom cook the chicken. I like to celebrate thanks giving because it brings the family together we like to play video games and board games all the time and dance to music. It also shows family fun and get to see people you did not see in a long time like friends or family. You can see people like aunts or uncles or cousins and friends.It is always fun on Thanks giving and fun to spend it with the family.”)

Content & Development

The story provides limited content and development with an adequately developed plot, setting, and characters, yet lacks sufficient detail to make this more than just a summary of what happens in the story. Tension, conflict, or a problem may be stated but not developed. Some dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

There is limited sensory detail about the setting (how it looks, smells, feels, etc.). (“I like to eat turkey, apple pie,ribs, mash, yams, green beans, gravy, corn, stuffing, rice with pork chops, fried chicken, and mild wings. I like thanks giving because the smell of the turkey and yams in the oven and when i see all the food on the table I just can not wait to eat.I hear talking and i taste the good turkey and more i like the smell of food. I like touching the raw foods when I help my mom cook the chicken. I like to celebrate thanks giving because it brings the family together we like to play video games and board games all the time and dance to music. It also shows family fun and get to see people you did not see in a long time like friends or family. You can see people like aunts or uncles or cousins and friends.It is always fun on Thanks giving and fun to spend it with the family.”)

The characters are developed in only limited detail. (“I like to eat turkey, apple pie,ribs, mash, yams, green beans, gravy, corn, stuffing, rice with pork chops, fried chicken, and mild wings. I like thanks giving because the smell of the turkey and yams in the oven and when i see all the food on the table I just can not wait to eat.I hear talking and i taste the good turkey and more i like the smell of food. I like touching the raw foods when I help my mom cook the chicken. I like to celebrate thanks giving because it brings the family together we like to play video games and board games all the time and dance to music. It also shows family fun and get to see people you did not see in a long time like friends or family. You can see people like aunts or uncles or cousins and friends.It is always fun on Thanks giving and fun to spend it with the family.”)

The plot is limited. (“I like to eat turkey, apple pie,ribs, mash, yams, green beans, gravy, corn, stuffing, rice with pork chops, fried chicken, and mild wings. I like thanks giving because the smell of the turkey and yams in the oven and when i see all the food on the table I just can not wait to eat.I hear talking and i taste the good turkey and more i like the smell of food. I like touching the raw foods when I help my mom cook the chicken. I like to celebrate thanks giving because it brings the family together we like to play video games and board games all the time and dance to music. It also shows family fun and get to see people you did not see in a long time like friends or family. You can see people like aunts or uncles or cousins and friends.It is always fun on Thanks giving and fun to spend it with the family.”)

Organization

Limited organization can be found in the story. The writer provides an adequate opening that may not hold the readers’ attention. The flow of the narrative also may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Transitions may be weak; yet, the story provides readers with some sense of closure.

The beginning demonstrates a limited attempt to grab the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ On thanksgiving I like to go to my aunts house and my dad is there so are my cousins and friends and my uncle.”)

The beginning includes only limited background information about the event. (“ On thanksgiving I like to go to my aunts house and my dad is there so are my cousins and friends and my uncle.”)

The story includes a limited ending. (“I like to eat turkey, apple pie,ribs, mash, yams, green beans, gravy, corn, stuffing, rice with pork chops, fried chicken, and mild wings. I like thanks giving because the smell of the turkey and yams in the oven and when i see all the food on the table I just can not wait to eat.I hear talking and i taste the good turkey and more i like the smell of food. I like touching the raw foods when I help my mom cook the chicken. I like to celebrate thanks giving because it brings the family together we like to play video games and board games all the time and dance to music. It also shows family fun and get to see people you did not see in a long time like friends or family. You can see people like aunts or uncles or cousins and friends.It is always fun on Thanks giving and fun to spend it with the family.”)

Language Use & Style

Limited language use and style are apparent in the narrative. The writing demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and a reliance on simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety and word choice.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“ I like to celebrate thanks giving because it brings the family together we like to play video games and board games all the time and dance to music.”)

The story uses the same group of words (“I like”) to start the two sentences in the beginning of the second paragraph. (“ I like to eat turkey, apple pie,ribs, mash, yams, green beans, gravy, corn, stuffing, rice with pork chops, fried chicken, and mild wings. I like thanks giving because the smell of the turkey and yams in the oven and when i see all the food on the table I just can not wait to eat.”)

Exact words are missing. (“ It also shows family fun and get to see people you did not see in a long time like friends or family.”)

There is repetition, as many sentences in the story begin with “I” and “I like.” (“ I like to eat turkey, apple pie,ribs, mash, yams, green beans, gravy, corn, stuffing, rice with pork chops, fried chicken, and mild wings. I like thanks giving because the smell of the turkey and yams in the oven and when i see all the food on the table I just can not wait to eat.I hear talking and i taste the good turkey and more i like the smell of food. I like touching the raw foods when I help my mom cook the chicken. I like to celebrate thanks giving because it brings the family together we like to play video games and board games all the time and dance to music.”)

Transitions are needed. (“I like to eat turkey, apple pie,ribs, mash, yams, green beans, gravy, corn, stuffing, rice with pork chops, fried chicken, and mild wings. I like thanks giving because the smell of the turkey and yams in the oven and when i see all the food on the table I just can not wait to eat.I hear talking and i taste the good turkey and more i like the smell of food. I like touching the raw foods when I help my mom cook the chicken. I like to celebrate thanks giving because it brings the family together we like to play video games and board games all the time and dance to music. It also shows family fun and get to see people you did not see in a long time like friends or family. You can see people like aunts or uncles or cousins and friends.It is always fun on Thanks giving and fun to spend it with the family.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions in the story is limited. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ I like to eat turkey, apple pie,ribs, mash, yams, green beans, gravy, corn, stuffing, rice with pork chops, fried chicken, and mild wings. I like thanks giving because the smell of the turkey and yams in the oven and when i see all the food on the table I just can not wait to eat.I hear talking and i taste the good turkey and more i like the smell of food.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Story

my tradition is very complex. when i do my Christmas tradition i go snow speeding. and then we go drink hot cocoa. then we rush outside, and build a fortress and have a snowball fight we build snow guards to protect the towers if it is destroyed you take the treasure. then me and my cousin meet up and open presents its wicked fun and guess what i won. i just adore Christmas. i hope to get platinum for a game system.and some toxic and man eating plants.i love christmas.....

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Minimal focus and meaning are seen in this story. The narrative demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Description and details are provided that may stray from the point of the story.

The story only minimally states the main event. (“ my tradition is very complex. when i do my Christmas tradition i go snow speeding. and then we go drink hot cocoa.”)

The audience for the story is often not clear. (“my tradition is very complex. when i do my Christmas tradition i go snow speeding. and then we go drink hot cocoa. then we rush outside, and build a fortress and have a snowball fight we build snow guards to protect the towers if it is destroyed you take the treasure. then me and my cousin meet up and open presents its wicked fun and guess what i won. i just adore Christmas. i hope to get platinum for a game system.and some toxic and man eating plants.i love christmas.....”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“my tradition is very complex. when i do my Christmas tradition i go snow speeding. and then we go drink hot cocoa. then we rush outside, and build a fortress and have a snowball fight we build snow guards to protect the towers if it is destroyed you take the treasure. then me and my cousin meet up and open presents its wicked fun and guess what i won. i just adore Christmas. i hope to get platinum for a game system.and some toxic and man eating plants.i love christmas.....”)

Content & Development

This story contains minimal content and development. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting with characters that are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. Furthermore, the narrative lacks tension or conflict to make it interesting, while little dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Minimal detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“my tradition is very complex. when i do my Christmas tradition i go snow speeding. and then we go drink hot cocoa. then we rush outside, and build a fortress and have a snowball fight we build snow guards to protect the towers if it is destroyed you take the treasure. then me and my cousin meet up and open presents its wicked fun and guess what i won. i just adore Christmas. i hope to get platinum for a game system.and some toxic and man eating plants.i love christmas.....”)

The setting is not developed in detail. (“my tradition is very complex. when i do my Christmas tradition i go snow speeding. and then we go drink hot cocoa. then we rush outside, and build a fortress and have a snowball fight we build snow guards to protect the towers if it is destroyed you take the treasure. then me and my cousin meet up and open presents its wicked fun and guess what i won. i just adore Christmas. i hope to get platinum for a game system.and some toxic and man eating plants.i love christmas.....”)

The characters are not developed in detail. (“my tradition is very complex. when i do my Christmas tradition i go snow speeding. and then we go drink hot cocoa. then we rush outside, and build a fortress and have a snowball fight we build snow guards to protect the towers if it is destroyed you take the treasure. then me and my cousin meet up and open presents its wicked fun and guess what i won. i just adore Christmas. i hope to get platinum for a game system.and some toxic and man eating plants.i love christmas.....”)

The plot is only minimally developed. (“my tradition is very complex. when i do my Christmas tradition i go snow speeding. and then we go drink hot cocoa. then we rush outside, and build a fortress and have a snowball fight we build snow guards to protect the towers if it is destroyed you take the treasure. then me and my cousin meet up and open presents its wicked fun and guess what i won. i just adore Christmas. i hope to get platinum for a game system.and some toxic and man eating plants.i love christmas.....”)

There is little important information about what happened before the event. (“my tradition is very complex. when i do my Christmas tradition i go snow speeding. and then we go drink hot cocoa. then we rush outside, and build a fortress and have a snowball fight we build snow guards to protect the towers if it is destroyed you take the treasure. then me and my cousin meet up and open presents its wicked fun and guess what i won. i just adore Christmas. i hope to get platinum for a game system.and some toxic and man eating plants.i love christmas.....”)

Organization

Minimal organization is apparent in the story. The narrative provides an opening that may repeat the title of the prompt. The flow of the story may also be difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. Lastly, the story demonstrates little evidence of an ending.

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. (“my tradition is very complex. when i do my Christmas tradition i go snow speeding. and then we go drink hot cocoa. then we rush outside, and build a fortress and have a snowball fight we build snow guards to protect the towers if it is destroyed you take the treasure. then me and my cousin meet up and open presents its wicked fun and guess what i won. i just adore Christmas. i hope to get platinum for a game system.and some toxic and man eating plants.i love christmas.....”)

The story does not effectively grab the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“my tradition is very complex. when i do my Christmas tradition i go snow speeding. and then we go drink hot cocoa. then we rush outside, and build a fortress and have a snowball fight we build snow guards to protect the towers if it is destroyed you take the treasure. then me and my cousin meet up and open presents its wicked fun and guess what i won. i just adore Christmas. i hope to get platinum for a game system.and some toxic and man eating plants.i love christmas.....”)

The story only minimally demonstrates an ending. (“my tradition is very complex. when i do my Christmas tradition i go snow speeding. and then we go drink hot cocoa. then we rush outside, and build a fortress and have a snowball fight we build snow guards to protect the towers if it is destroyed you take the treasure. then me and my cousin meet up and open presents its wicked fun and guess what i won. i just adore Christmas. i hope to get platinum for a game system.and some toxic and man eating plants.i love christmas.....”)

The ending does not teach the readers a lesson the writer learned from completing the story. (“my tradition is very complex. when i do my Christmas tradition i go snow speeding. and then we go drink hot cocoa. then we rush outside, and build a fortress and have a snowball fight we build snow guards to protect the towers if it is destroyed you take the treasure. then me and my cousin meet up and open presents its wicked fun and guess what i won. i just adore Christmas. i hope to get platinum for a game system.and some toxic and man eating plants.i love christmas.....”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style in the story appears to be minimal. The narrative demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience; basic errors in sentence structure and usage are also found.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“ then we rush outside, and build a fortress and have a snowball fight we build snow guards to protect the towers if it is destroyed you take the treasure.”)

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ i just adore Christmas. i hope to get platinum for a game system.and some toxic and man eating plants.i love christmas.....”)

There is repetition, as many sentences begin with “I.” (“ i just adore Christmas. i hope to get platinum for a game system.and some toxic and man eating plants.i love christmas.....”)

The story should use more varied and appropriate transitions. (“ my tradition is very complex. when i do my Christmas tradition i go snow speeding. and then we go drink hot cocoa. then we rush outside, and build a fortress and have a snowball fight we build snow guards to protect the towers if it is destroyed you take the treasure. then me and my cousin meet up and open presents its wicked fun and guess what i won. i just adore Christmas. i hope to get platinum for a game system.and some toxic and man eating plants.i love christmas.....”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Minimal control of mechanics and conventions is demonstrated in this story. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“and some toxic and man eating plants.i love christmas.....”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

on the night befor crismas i would go to my grandparents house.when i get there i would fore my cousens to come.when all of my reltives come we have ower feast.then when everowne is done eating we would do sekrit santia.then we would ushly watch tv.then we open presents.we open presents by age oder.and last me and my cousens play with ower presents.crismas is my favfr

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in this story are inadequate. The narrative demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The story provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant.

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are not stated. (“on the night befor crismas i would go to my grandparents house.when i get there i would fore my cousens to come.when all of my reltives come we have ower feast.then when everowne is done eating we would do sekrit santia.then we would ushly watch tv.then we open presents.we open presents by age oder.and last me and my cousens play with ower presents.crismas is my favfr”)

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is not stated. (“on the night befor crismas i would go to my grandparents house.when i get there i would fore my cousens to come.when all of my reltives come we have ower feast.then when everowne is done eating we would do sekrit santia.then we would ushly watch tv.then we open presents.we open presents by age oder.and last me and my cousens play with ower presents.crismas is my favfr”)

The audience for the story is not clear. (“on the night befor crismas i would go to my grandparents house.when i get there i would fore my cousens to come.when all of my reltives come we have ower feast.then when everowne is done eating we would do sekrit santia.then we would ushly watch tv.then we open presents.we open presents by age oder.and last me and my cousens play with ower presents.crismas is my favfr”)

Content & Development

The story consists of inadequate content and development. The narrative l acks an identifiable plot and setting. Characters are introduced but not developed. Lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow.

The setting is not developed in detail. (“on the night befor crismas i would go to my grandparents house.when i get there i would fore my cousens to come.when all of my reltives come we have ower feast.then when everowne is done eating we would do sekrit santia.then we would ushly watch tv.then we open presents.we open presents by age oder.and last me and my cousens play with ower presents.crismas is my favfr”)

The characters are not developed in detail. (“on the night befor crismas i would go to my grandparents house.when i get there i would fore my cousens to come.when all of my reltives come we have ower feast.then when everowne is done eating we would do sekrit santia.then we would ushly watch tv.then we open presents.we open presents by age oder.and last me and my cousens play with ower presents.crismas is my favfr”)

There is no dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud). (“on the night befor crismas i would go to my grandparents house.when i get there i would fore my cousens to come.when all of my reltives come we have ower feast.then when everowne is done eating we would do sekrit santia.then we would ushly watch tv.then we open presents.we open presents by age oder.and last me and my cousens play with ower presents.crismas is my favfr”)

Organization

The organization of the story is also inadequate. The narrative may have an opening that does no more than repeat the title of the prompt. The story, furthermore, lacks basic organization (beginning, middle, and end) with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The beginning does not creatively grab the readers’ attention because it does not include a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“on the night befor crismas i would go to my grandparents house.when i get there i would fore my cousens to come.when all of my reltives come we have ower feast.then when everowne is done eating we would do sekrit santia.then we would ushly watch tv.then we open presents.we open presents by age oder.and last me and my cousens play with ower presents.crismas is my favfr”)

The beginning does not include background information about the event. (“on the night befor crismas i would go to my grandparents house.when i get there i would fore my cousens to come.when all of my reltives come we have ower feast.then when everowne is done eating we would do sekrit santia.then we would ushly watch tv.then we open presents.we open presents by age oder.and last me and my cousens play with ower presents.crismas is my favfr”)

The story demonstrates no ending. (“on the night befor crismas i would go to my grandparents house.when i get there i would fore my cousens to come.when all of my reltives come we have ower feast.then when everowne is done eating we would do sekrit santia.then we would ushly watch tv.then we open presents.we open presents by age oder.and last me and my cousens play with ower presents.crismas is my favfr”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in the story is inadequate. The writing demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“on the night befor crismas i would go to my grandparents house.when i get there i would fore my cousens to come.when all of my reltives come we have ower feast.then when everowne is done eating we would do sekrit santia.then we would ushly watch tv.then we open presents.we open presents by age oder.and last me and my cousens play with ower presents.crismas is my favfr”)

Exact words are missing. (“ on the night befor crismas i would go to my grandparents house.when i get there i would fore my cousens to come.”)

There is repetition, as the word “when” is used repeatedly. (“ when i get there i would fore my cousens to come.when all of my reltives come we have ower feast.then when everowne is done eating we would do sekrit santia.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Control over the use of mechanics and conventions in formal writing appears to be inadequate in this story. Errors are so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“on the night befor crismas i would go to my grandparents house.when i get there i would fore my cousens to come.when all of my reltives come we have ower feast.then when everowne is done eating we would do sekrit santia.then we would ushly watch tv.then we open presents.we open presents by age oder.and last me and my cousens play with ower presents.crismas is my favfr”)

Continue This Story

While out exploring the woods one day, you hear the clouds start to rumble and small drops of rain begin to fall. As you turn to return home, you hear a twig snap in the woods behind you. When you turn around, you see nothing, but you get the feeling that you are being followed.

Write a story in which you describe what happens as you return home. You might consider adding people, creatures, or a surprise ending to help make your story more interesting. Be sure to use details to help readers imagine what is happening in your story.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

The winds bristled through my wet chestnut brown hair. I had an eerie feeling that I'm being followed. Out of the corner of my eye, a dark shadow tipped toed silently behind me. "Ha!" I cried as I lurched around. There was not a single object in sight. Droplets of rain pounded harder, so I quickly lumbered home. As soon as I hurled myself out of the gloom of the forest's trees, SWISH! A rusty old bag appeared over my head. All was dark, and I could only hear the mumbles of my captor.

"We're here little princess...” my holder announced slyly. He launched me onto a comity queen sized bed. When he pulled the bag off my head, I quickly tried to dash across the room towards the door, but my legs felt wobbly like jelly. "You're not going anywhere, little princess. The boat ride sure was hard for you," my holder proclaimed with a raspy voice. He was a tall man with blonde straight hair, and a black tuxedo. Now why was he calling me little princess? I thought. About a zillion questions swirled around in my head, but the man put duct tape on my mouth. "Look, if I take the tape off, will you scream?" He asked. I nodded my head saying, no. He slowly took it off, as if afraid I would bit his hand off. "There, Alicia. Now don't try to run away little princess!" The man nodded, but then took off.

I was about to say, "My name isn't Alicia, and who in the world are you," but my mouth felt as if it was stinted by a bumble bee. How am I going to get out of here? I thought. The winter white door stood in front of me, so I turned the knob, and of course, it didn't open. A tinted window was located on the side of the room. Castles, kings, queens, and soldiers were encrusted onto the glass. It was high above me. Therefore, I grabbed a pile of books and leaned them below the window like a staircase. I tip-toed on it to the top and made it to the window. I pulled the latch to see almost forty feet of jumping below me, and some guards. "Oh, no! I am so not going to jump into a horde of guards!" I cried. I slumped back in bed.

CRACK! The door opened a bit, and a young girl slid out. It was like looking in a mirror. She was as surprised as I was. The girl was a bit taller than me with long chestnut hair, blue eyes, and a diamond face. I leaped off the bed, and the girl tilted her head. "Who are you?" she questioned with a squeaky voice. "The question is, who are you?" I corrected. "Alicia the third," she responded. I snorted at her princess like tone. "I'm Millie the first," I mimicked her. She scowled. "Do you have any idea why these people say that I'm the little princess or Alicia?" I asked. She pointed to a mirror, and I observed it. Alicia and I were like twins, but I had brilliant blue eyes, and she had dull aqua ones. That was why the guy thought I was Alicia! You could tell Alicia was the elegant one because she had a blue dress, and I had some soaked jeans, with a pink T-shirt.

"Will you tell me why this guy in a tuxedo is acting as if I had run away"? I questioned. Alicia sighed, but answered, "I could be described mischievous, and I just simply hate the royal life. I decided to run away, and only managed to go a few miles to the south. So they hunted me down, I guess, and instead found you." I nodded my head, but asked another question, "Why did you come back then?" "I can't survive in the wild. I didn't know how to find food or clean water. Like most people, I want to live, and this is the only way." Alicia explained. "Will you help me get out of this"? I asked. We glanced at the open door, and nodded. We were going to leave using the old fashioned way, sneaking our way out. I slithered through the open hallway, and blended in with the wall's shadow when a maid passed by. Quickly, we reached the front entrance, and saw the person I least expected to find. The man that I had met earlier stood in front of me paralyzed at the sight of Alicia and me.

Next thing I knew, I was being stuck in the room I was in before. Amos, the man's name, was talking with Alicia. Amos came in with a wide grin. "Sorry for this mistake. We will assign you back home to Smithville, Florida." He announced. Before you could say Mississippi, I was back in my cottage home. I compared it to the palace. It was definitely different, but in a good way. "Home sweet home," I proclaimed to myself.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the narrative. Throughout the narrative, the writer establishes and maintains an insightful central idea and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she completes all parts of the task by using description and details that are all relevant to the story, and he/she may go beyond the limits of the task. The writer showcases his/her imagination with a tale of mistaken identity.

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. Throughout the story, the writer builds suspense as Millie is being stalked in the woods and abducted for no known reason. Readers are drawn into these experiences and can feel as though they are trying to solve the mystery with her. (“The winds bristled through my wet chestnut brown hair. I had an eerie feeling that I'm being followed. Out of the corner of my eye, a dark shadow tipped toed silently behind me. ‘Ha!’ I cried as I lurched around. There was not a single object in sight. Droplets of rain pounded harder, so I quickly lumbered home. As soon as I hurled myself out of the gloom of the forest's trees, SWISH! A rusty old bag appeared over my head. All was dark, and I could only hear the mumbles of my captor.”)

All of the details in the story focus on the main event. The readers are pulled into the kidnapping scenario, and relevant, effective details are provided to enhance the story. The writer succeeds in describing the circumstances and Millie’s subsequent experiences of trying to escape and get home. (“I was about to say, ‘My name isn't Alicia, and who in the world are you,’ but my mouth felt as if it was stinted by a bumble bee. How am I going to get out of here? I thought. The winter white door stood in front of me, so I turned the knob, and of course, it didn't open. A tinted window was located on the side of the room. Castles, kings, queens, and soldiers were encrusted onto the glass. It was high above me. Therefore, I grabbed a pile of books and leaned them below the window like a staircase. I tip-toed on it to the top and made it to the window. I pulled the latch to see almost forty feet of jumping below me, and some guards. ‘Oh, no! I am so not going to jump into a horde of guards!’ I cried. I slumped back in bed.”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. All of the writer’s supporting details very effectively communicate the characters’ experience. (“‘Do you have any idea why these people say that I'm the little princess or Alicia?’ I asked. She pointed to a mirror, and I observed it. Alicia and I were like twins, but I had brilliant blue eyes, and she had dull aqua ones. That was why the guy thought I was Alicia! You could tell Alicia was the elegant one because she had a blue dress, and I had some soaked jeans, with a pink T-shirt.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the narrative. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with complex characters that round out the narrative. The writer clearly establishes tension/conflict/a problem and builds to the revelation of mistaken identity and the main character’s experiences in a strange castle. By doing this, the writer heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Additionally, dialogue may be used very effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

There is very effective information leading up to the event. In the beginning of the story, we find the writer is caught in a thunderstorm and then captured by an unknown assailant. (“The winds bristled through my wet chestnut brown hair. I had an eerie feeling that I'm being followed. Out of the corner of my eye, a dark shadow tipped toed silently behind me. ‘Ha!’ I cried as I lurched around. There was not a single object in sight. Droplets of rain pounded harder, so I quickly lumbered home. As soon as I hurled myself out of the gloom of the forest's trees, SWISH! A rusty old bag appeared over my head. All was dark, and I could only hear the mumbles of my captor.”)

The characters included in the writer’s examples are relevant and believable. For example, the writer includes dialogue that embodies each girl’s personality. (“The girl was a bit taller than me with long chestnut hair, blue eyes, and a diamond face. I leaped off the bed, and the girl tilted her head. ‘Who are you?’ she questioned with a squeaky voice. ‘The question is, who are you?’ I corrected. ‘Alicia the third,’ she responded. I snorted at her princess like tone. ‘I'm Millie the first,’ I mimicked her. She scowled. ‘Do you have any idea why these people say that I'm the little princess or Alicia?’ I asked. She pointed to a mirror, and I observed it. Alicia and I were like twins, but I had brilliant blue eyes, and she had dull aqua ones.”)

There is very effective information about what happened during the event. The writer provides relevant background details that explain why Millie was captured. (“‘Will you tell me why this guy in a tuxedo is acting as if I had run away’? I questioned. Alicia sighed, but answered, ‘I could be described mischievous, and I just simply hate the royal life. I decided to run away, and only managed to go a few miles to the south. So they hunted me down, I guess, and instead found you.’ I nodded my head, but asked another question, ‘Why did you come back then?’ ‘I can't survive in the wild. I didn't know how to find food or clean water. Like most people, I want to live, and this is the only way.’ Alicia explained. ‘Will you help me get out of this’? I asked. We glanced at the open door, and nodded.”)

Organization

The organization is very effective. The writer captures the readers' attention by providing a clever opening to the story. The writing flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development. The writer provides an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The writer captures the readers’ attention in the beginning of the story very effectively. The writer skillfully paints a picture of being spooked in the forest. (“The winds bristled through my wet chestnut brown hair. I had an eerie feeling that I'm being followed. Out of the corner of my eye, a dark shadow tipped toed silently behind me. ‘Ha!’ I cried as I lurched around. There was not a single object in sight. Droplets of rain pounded harder, so I quickly lumbered home. As soon as I hurled myself out of the gloom of the forest's trees, SWISH! A rusty old bag appeared over my head. All was dark, and I could only hear the mumbles of my captor.”)

Subtle transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“How am I going to get out of here? I thought. The winter white door stood in front of me, so I turned the knob, and of course, it didn't open. A tinted window was located on the side of the room. Castles, kings, queens, and soldiers were encrusted onto the glass. It was high above me. Therefore, I grabbed a pile of books and leaned them below the window like a staircase. I tip-toed on it to the top and made it to the window. I pulled the latch to see almost forty feet of jumping below me, and some guards. ‘Oh, no! I am so not going to jump into a horde of guards!’ I cried. I slumped back in bed.”)

The story demonstrates a very effective ending that emphasizes how the mystery is solved and how Millie is freed. (“Next thing I knew, I was being stuck in the room I was in before. Amos, the man's name, was talking with Alicia. Amos came in with a wide grin. ‘Sorry for this mistake. We will assign you back home to Smithville, Florida.’ He announced. Before you could say Mississippi, I was back in my cottage home. I compared it to the palace. It was definitely different, but in a good way. ‘Home sweet home,’ I proclaimed to myself.”)

Language Use & Style

There is strong voice from the writer throughout the story. The readers can feel the main character’s incomprehension and panic as she faces her captor. (“ ‘We're here little princess...’ my holder announced slyly. He launched me onto a comity queen sized bed. When he pulled the bag off my head, I quickly tried to dash across the room towards the door, but my legs felt wobbly like jelly. ‘You're not going anywhere, little princess. The boat ride sure was hard for you,’ my holder proclaimed with a raspy voice. He was a tall man with blonde straight hair, and a black tuxedo. Now why was he calling me little princess? I thought. About a zillion questions swirled around in my head, but the man put duct tape on my mouth. ‘Look, if I take the tape off, will you scream?’ He asked. I nodded my head saying, no. He slowly took it off, as if afraid I would bit his hand off. ‘There, Alicia. Now don't try to run away little princess!’ The man nodded, but then took off.”)

The writer makes precise language choices to effectively illustrate Millie’s impressions of the castle in which she is being held. (“ How am I going to get out of here? I thought. The winter white door stood in front of me, so I turned the knob, and of course, it didn't open. A tinted window was located on the side of the room. Castles, kings, queens, and soldiers were encrusted onto the glass. It was high above me. Therefore, I grabbed a pile of books and leaned them below the window like a staircase. I tip-toed on it to the top and made it to the window. I pulled the latch to see almost forty feet of jumping below me, and some guards. ‘Oh, no! I am so not going to jump into a horde of guards!’ I cried. I slumped back in bed.”)

The coherent style and tone of the story ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement. (“ ‘Will you tell me why this guy in a tuxedo is acting as if I had run away’? I questioned. Alicia sighed, but answered, ‘I could be described mischievous, and I just simply hate the royal life. I decided to run away, and only managed to go a few miles to the south. So they hunted me down, I guess, and instead found you.’ I nodded my head, but asked another question, ‘Why did you come back then?’ ‘I can't survive in the wild. I didn't know how to find food or clean water. Like most people, I want to live, and this is the only way.’ Alicia explained. ‘Will you help me get out of this’? I asked. We glanced at the open door, and nodded. We were going to leave using the old fashioned way, sneaking our way out. I slithered through the open hallway, and blended in with the wall's shadow when a maid passed by. Quickly, we reached the front entrance, and saw the person I least expected to find. The man that I had met earlier stood in front of me paralyzed at the sight of Alicia and me.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and words are spelled correctly. (“ ‘Do you have any idea why these people say that I'm the little princess or Alicia?’ I asked. She pointed to a mirror, and I observed it. Alicia and I were like twins, but I had brilliant blue eyes, and she had dull aqua ones. That was why the guy thought I was Alicia! You could tell Alicia was the elegant one because she had a blue dress, and I had some soaked jeans, with a pink T-shirt.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Into the woods

I took another step then, "Snap!" Another twig has been demolished. I looked down to my feet but, no stick was there. I craned my neck backwards and, imagined a monster creeping up on me with glowing red eyes. Shaking, I quickly shook the thought out. I heard a soft sad whine I had never heard of. The sound was so sad it almost made cry. There was a rustle in the bushes. I snapped out of my trance and stood alert. Out of the brush emerged a poor scratched red bone hound. It was thin and lame. It limped to me and stared at me with its stormy gray eyes. In those unblinking eyes he told me his story.

It had an owner, a good caring owner. They were out hunting together as good partners when they ran into a pack of wolves. The dog having a strong bond to its owner stood up to the pack. They got attacked by a pack of wolves. Not seeing its owner it wandered off to here where we were now. His story seemed to be true so I decided to believe it. This hound- it was strong, it was old. I knew we had to find its owner soon but, we couldn't return him in this condition. With a tremendous amount of strength, I carried the poor hound back to my home. I told my mom and dad what had happened to the poor hound. We gave the hound food and he ate until he could eat no more. We bathed until his fur was glittering.

The moment we let go of him he dashed to the door. He kept raking his claws against the screen until I pulled him away. Even that wouldn't stop his effort to get to the door. I suspected that he wanted to get back to the woods. My parents suggested to bring him to the humane society. After dark, I grabbed a flash light and, a backpack full of the things I thought it would become handy. I was all ready to go with my new partner.

Again I saw the flashes of the horrid monsters from before. I stuck with the hound as he sniffed his way to its owner. Along the way I heard owls hoot and, coyotes' howl. I heard many strange sounds until I heard a low moan. It was the cry of pain and despair from a person. It was pleading me to come to help. As I flashed my light here and there I finally, found what I had heard. The hound tore away from my hand and ran to the person. I could see why he had been so desperate for help. He was lying on a blanket of some sort. The owner (I assumed he was the owner) had scratches and cut with blood seeping out. I thought there was no hope left, but suddenly my back felt heavier. I remembered my backpack. Rummaging through my pack I found a cloth, water bottle and some bandages. I searched through my other pockets in the pack. I found, energy bars, an ice pack and a medium sized towel. I used the cloth and the water to clean out his wounds and used the bandages to seal the scars. While I worked, I wondered what had happened to him. I asked him and he were too weak to respond. I handed out some energy bars and put ice pack on his head. I wrapped the towel around his body. He felt a little better. "I fought the wolves." He said. "Where is Blaze?" "He is fine and well fed." I responded kindly to him. At this moment, I felt like hero. I had saved two lives at this very moment.

"Blaze" returned to his owner safely. The rain was drizzling, the night was still dark, but my heart was pumping with pride and love. I felt the heroism of my great deed. I fell on my bed feeling enlightened by this night.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are well stated. The writer focuses the narrative completely on a mystery in the woods. (“I took another step then, ‘Snap!’ Another twig has been demolished. I looked down to my feet but, no stick was there. I craned my neck backwards and, imagined a monster creeping up on me with glowing red eyes. Shaking, I quickly shook the thought out. I heard a soft sad whine I had never heard of. The sound was so sad it almost made cry. There was a rustle in the bushes. I snapped out of my trance and stood alert. Out of the brush emerged a poor scratched red bone hound.”)

The parts of the story relate to the main event. (“This hound- it was strong, it was old. I knew we had to find its owner soon but, we couldn't return him in this condition. With a tremendous amount of strength, I carried the poor hound back to my home. I told my mom and dad what had happened to the poor hound. We gave the hound food and he ate until he could eat no more. We bathed until his fur was glittering.”)

The details in the story focus on the main event. The writer provides a valid reason for the main character to return to the spooky woods. (“Again I saw the flashes of the horrid monsters from before. I stuck with the hound as he sniffed his way to its owner. Along the way I heard owls hoot and, coyotes' howl. I heard many strange sounds until I heard a low moan. It was the cry of pain and despair from a person. It was pleading me to come to help. As I flashed my light here and there I finally, found what I had heard. The hound tore away from my hand and ran to the person. I could see why he had been so desperate for help. He was lying on a blanket of some sort. The owner (I assumed he was the owner) had scratches and cut with blood seeping out.”)

Content & Development

Details are effectively used to develop the main events of the story. The writer consistently reveals the experiences of the main character as he/she discovers a hound in the woods and works to unravel the mystery. (“It had an owner, a good caring owner. They were out hunting together as good partners when they ran into a pack of wolves. The dog having a strong bond to its owner stood up to the pack. They got attacked by a pack of wolves. Not seeing its owner it wandered off to here where we were now. His story seemed to be true so I decided to believe it. This hound- it was strong, it was old. I knew we had to find its owner soon but, we couldn't return him in this condition. With a tremendous amount of strength, I carried the poor hound back to my home. I told my mom and dad what had happened to the poor hound. We gave the hound food and he ate until he could eat no more. We bathed until his fur was glittering.”)

The plot is effectively developed. (“The moment we let go of him he dashed to the door. He kept raking his claws against the screen until I pulled him away. Even that wouldn't stop his effort to get to the door. I suspected that he wanted to get back to the woods. My parents suggested to bring him to the humane society. After dark, I grabbed a flash light and, a backpack full of the things I thought it would become handy. I was all ready to go with my new partner.”)

The writer effectively develops the setting by using details. (“ I stuck with the hound as he sniffed his way to its owner. Along the way I heard owls hoot and, coyotes' howl. I heard many strange sounds until I heard a low moan. It was the cry of pain and despair from a person. It was pleading me to come to help. As I flashed my light here and there I finally, found what I had heard. The hound tore away from my hand and ran to the person. I could see why he had been so desperate for help. He was lying on a blanket of some sort. The owner (I assumed he was the owner) had scratches and cut with blood seeping out.”)

Organization

The story effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ I took another step then, ‘Snap!’ Another twig has been demolished. I looked down to my feet but, no stick was there. I craned my neck backwards and, imagined a monster creeping up on me with glowing red eyes. Shaking, I quickly shook the thought out. I heard a soft sad whine I had never heard of. The sound was so sad it almost made cry. There was a rustle in the bushes. I snapped out of my trance and stood alert. Out of the brush emerged a poor scratched red bone hound. It was thin and lame. It limped to me and stared at me with its stormy gray eyes. In those unblinking eyes he told me his story.”)

Subtle transitions are used to connect events in the story and to promote the flow of the story. (“ Again I saw the flashes of the horrid monsters from before. I stuck with the hound as he sniffed his way to its owner. Along the way I heard owls hoot and, coyotes' howl. I heard many strange sounds until I heard a low moan. It was the cry of pain and despair from a person. It was pleading me to come to help. As I flashed my light here and there I finally, found what I had heard.”)

The story includes an effective ending. (“ ‘Blaze’ returned to his owner safely. The rain was drizzling, the night was still dark, but my heart was pumping with pride and love. I felt the heroism of my great deed. I fell on my bed feeling enlightened by this night.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good use of language, voice, and style throughout the narrative. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with good voice and a clear sense of audience. There are also well-structured sentences with some variety .

The writer employs good word choices to convey the character’s fear of unexplained noises in the woods. (“ I took another step then, ‘Snap!’ Another twig has been demolished. I looked down to my feet but, no stick was there. I craned my neck backwards and, imagined a monster creeping up on me with glowing red eyes. Shaking, I quickly shook the thought out. I heard a soft sad whine I had never heard of. The sound was so sad it almost made cry. There was a rustle in the bushes. I snapped out of my trance and stood alert. Out of the brush emerged a poor scratched red bone hound. It was thin and lame. It limped to me and stared at me with its stormy gray eyes. In those unblinking eyes he told me his story.”)

The coherent style and tone of the story ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“ Rummaging through my pack I found a cloth, water bottle and some bandages. I searched through my other pockets in the pack. I found, energy bars, an ice pack and a medium sized towel. I used the cloth and the water to clean out his wounds and used the bandages to seal the scars. While I worked, I wondered what had happened to him. I asked him and he were too weak to respond. I handed out some energy bars and put ice pack on his head. I wrapped the towel around his body. He felt a little better. ‘I fought the wolves.’ He said. ‘Where is Blaze?’ ‘He is fine and well fed.’ I responded kindly to him. At this moment, I felt like hero. I had saved two lives at this very moment.”)

The language and tone are consistent. (“ It had an owner, a good caring owner. They were out hunting together as good partners when they ran into a pack of wolves. The dog having a strong bond to its owner stood up to the pack. They got attacked by a pack of wolves. Not seeing its owner it wandered off to here where we were now. His story seemed to be true so I decided to believe it. This hound- it was strong, it was old. I knew we had to find its owner soon but, we couldn't return him in this condition. With a tremendous amount of strength, I carried the poor hound back to my home. I told my mom and dad what had happened to the poor hound. We gave the hound food and he ate until he could eat no more. We bathed until his fur was glittering.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure that all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all words are used and spelled correctly, and line breaks are used to indicate new paragraphs. (“ I asked him and he were too weak to respond. I handed out some energy bars and put ice pack on his head. I wrapped the towel around his body. He felt a little better. ‘I fought the wolves.’ He said. ‘Where is Blaze?’ ‘He is fine and well fed.’ I responded kindly to him.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Click! I heard as I walked by the biggest tree I ever saw. I look back to see nothing there. So I continued to walk click! I heard it again I turned around to see a black shadow. I stepped a little closer to see a pale boy sitting on the ground rocking back and forth. "What's wrong with you? I asked nothing I'm just lost will you help me get back to my house. I looked at him and said how did you get here? I was walking in the woods looking for my baseball because me and my friends were playing baseball by my house. So you live around here? Duh he said . I live right outside the woods you can't miss it. So why you still here? Because I'm scared to leave the woods. I whispered you scared me when you were snapping those twigs.

I asked the boy his name he told me it was Zachary. I'll call you Zach. Okay fine with me. "How did you get in the woods? I was taking my morning walk I do it every morning. Cool. Why are you so scared of leaving the woods? Because there are wolves in the woods. Zachary are you serious? Wolves? I felt pretty bad for him. Are you trying to get out? Yes but there is no way I can. Let me see if I can find a way I said.

When I came back I discovered he was eating dirt. Why are you eating dirt? Because there is nothing else to eat what do you want me to do starve? I didn't say but eating dirt. So what is your name, I never got it. It's Skylar. Skylar I like it. Thanks. Since every morning you take a walk do you know where to get some food? I think so I'll be right back.

So I came back with some fish and logs to start a fire. I noticed that Zachary wasn't there. Zachary! Where are you? I ran until I saw him. Zachary where were you? He didn't answer. So I went up to him. I saw he was getting pretty angry. I heard him growling at me. I felt disturb about what i was seeing. I couldn't believe he became mad. I have to help him get out of these woods.

I helped him get up. I asked him which way did you come in. He still didn't answer. If you really wanted to get out of the woods you wold open your mouth to tell me where is your house! So i guess me yelling at him made him come back to his senses. I came in through the left. So as we walk and walk we come a stop, it was a big house that was really outside of the woods. Then he said that is it. that's my house. I rang the doorbell. A lady answered so I'm guessing that is his mother. Thank you for returning my little Zach Zach. She handed me a $100 bill. What is this for? I had a reward for his disapearence. Thank you. You are so welcome. I could see the family gathering around him. I'm so glad I did what I did.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer adequately states the main event of the story. (“Click! I heard as I walked by the biggest tree I ever saw. I look back to see nothing there. So I continued to walk click! I heard it again I turned around to see a black shadow. I stepped a little closer to see a pale boy sitting on the ground rocking back and forth. ‘What's wrong with you? I asked nothing I'm just lost will you help me get back to my house. I looked at him and said how did you get here? I was walking in the woods looking for my baseball because me and my friends were playing baseball by my house. So you live around here? Duh he said . I live right outside the woods you can't miss it. So why you still here? Because I'm scared to leave the woods. I whispered you scared me when you were snapping those twigs.”)

The writer focuses on the main event of discovering a lost boy throughout the narrative. (“I asked the boy his name he told me it was Zachary. I'll call you Zach. Okay fine with me. ‘How did you get in the woods? I was taking my morning walk I do it every morning. Cool. Why are you so scared of leaving the woods? Because there are wolves in the woods. Zachary are you serious? Wolves? I felt pretty bad for him. Are you trying to get out? Yes but there is no way I can. Let me see if I can find a way I said.”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“So I came back with some fish and logs to start a fire. I noticed that Zachary wasn't there. Zachary! Where are you? I ran until I saw him. Zachary where were you? He didn't answer. So I went up to him. I saw he was getting pretty angry. I heard him growling at me. I felt disturb about what i was seeing. I couldn't believe he became mad. I have to help him get out of these woods.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development of ideas in the narrative. The story includes a reasonably developed plot and setting with relevant and believable characters. The writer establishes tension/conflict/a problem that holds the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Additionally, the writer shares the characters’ thoughts through the use of dialogue.

The writer briefly provides a conflict in the story when the boys realize that they are lost the woods. (“‘How did you get in the woods? I was taking my morning walk I do it every morning. Cool. Why are you so scared of leaving the woods? Because there are wolves in the woods. Zachary are you serious? Wolves? I felt pretty bad for him. Are you trying to get out? Yes but there is no way I can. Let me see if I can find a way I said.”)

The writer uses adequate dialogue in the narrative. (“Why are you eating dirt? Because there is nothing else to eat what do you want me to do starve? I didn't say but eating dirt. So what is your name, I never got it. It's Skylar. Skylar I like it. Thanks. Since every morning you take a walk do you know where to get some food? I think so I'll be right back.”)

The writer provides adequate details that relate to the main event. (“So I came back with some fish and logs to start a fire. I noticed that Zachary wasn't there. Zachary! Where are you? I ran until I saw him. Zachary where were you? He didn't answer. So I went up to him. I saw he was getting pretty angry. I heard him growling at me. I felt disturb about what i was seeing. I couldn't believe he became mad. I have to help him get out of these woods.”)

Organization

The beginning demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by detailing unexplained noises in the woods and setting a mysterious tone. (“ Click! I heard as I walked by the biggest tree I ever saw. I look back to see nothing there. So I continued to walk click! I heard it again I turned around to see a black shadow. I stepped a little closer to see a pale boy sitting on the ground rocking back and forth. ‘What's wrong with you? I asked nothing I'm just lost will you help me get back to my house. I looked at him and said how did you get here?”)

The writer needs to use effective transitions to connect events in the story. By incorporating transitions throughout the narrative, the writer can assist the readers by carrying the story’s events to their ultimate conclusion. (“So I came back with some fish and logs to start a fire. I noticed that Zachary wasn't there. Zachary! Where are you? I ran until I saw him. Zachary where were you? He didn't answer. So I went up to him. I saw he was getting pretty angry. I heard him growling at me. I felt disturb about what i was seeing. I couldn't believe he became mad. I have to help him get out of these woods.”)

Although the story comes to a very abrupt end, it attempts to offer a lesson learned that would give the intended audience a sense of closure. (“ I rang the doorbell. A lady answered so I'm guessing that is his mother. Thank you for returning my little Zach Zach. She handed me a $100 bill. What is this for? I had a reward for his disapearence. Thank you. You are so welcome. I could see the family gathering around him. I'm so glad I did what I did.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the spooky theme of the story. (“ Click! I heard as I walked by the biggest tree I ever saw. I look back to see nothing there. So I continued to walk click! I heard it again I turned around to see a black shadow. I stepped a little closer to see a pale boy sitting on the ground rocking back and forth. ‘What's wrong with you? I asked”)

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ I looked at him and said how did you get here? I was walking in the woods looking for my baseball because me and my friends were playing baseball by my house. So you live around here? Duh he said . I live right outside the woods you can't miss it. So why you still here? Because I'm scared to leave the woods. I whispered you scared me when you were snapping those twigs.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the narrative. He/she provides language that adequately describes Zachary’s mental state. (“ I saw he was getting pretty angry. I heard him growling at me. I felt disturb about what i was seeing. I couldn't believe he became mad. I have to help him get out of these woods.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have subject-verb agreement, and sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks. Word selections should also be spelled and used correctly, and each paragraph should be indicated with a line break. Importantly, the writer needs to use quotation marks consistently to denote dialogue. (“ When I came back I discovered he was eating dirt. Why are you eating dirt? Because there is nothing else to eat what do you want me to do starve? I didn't say but eating dirt. So what is your name, I never got it.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

I walked out the house and said bye to my mom and dad to go to the mall. I was walking there was thunder and rain and I heard a crack but I turned around and there was nobody there. I turned back and ran home crying ''Mommy''.

I got home I opened the door and ran into my room to turn on my light but the wire was cut. And thunder and rain struct and I quikly grabed out a flashlight because it was a blackout. I ran down stairsbut all of a sudden I heard noises and I called mom. But I heard noises in the kitchen so I ran to the kitchen when I turned on the light there was nobody there. When I looked around the front door opened and when I turned around the grudge was right in my face. My baby brother called me so I went to go see him, I saw him the grudge was holding him and my baby brother was dead.

I went to the basement because someone was calling me. I went and called mom. So I saw candle's and there was the grudge. I took his mask off and it was my big brother and my little brother drinking fruit punch. I said HI my brother's and my mom and dad popped right in front of me and said Happy Birthday honey. They turned on the lights but I said I thought the light wire was cut and they said my light bulb was dead. So we lived happy ever after. The End.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the narrative. The writer establishes and maintains a limited central idea and demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she provides limited descriptions and details that may not be relevant to the story or give the readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The writer states the main event of the story in a very limited way. (“I walked out the house and said bye to my mom and dad to go to the mall. I was walking there was thunder and rain and I heard a crack but I turned around and there was nobody there. I turned back and ran home crying ‘Mommy’.”)

The writer’s focus is limited in the narrative. He/she focuses limited details on being followed in the woods. (“I got home I opened the door and ran into my room to turn on my light but the wire was cut. And thunder and rain struct and I quikly grabed out a flashlight because it was a blackout. I ran down stairsbut all of a sudden I heard noises and I called mom. But I heard noises in the kitchen so I ran to the kitchen when I turned on the light there was nobody there.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the narrative. He/she fails to provide an emotional response to any of the strange and frightening occurrences in the story. In providing more relevant details, the readers will be able to fully appreciate the story unfolding in the writer’s mind. (“When I looked around the front door opened and when I turned around the grudge was right in my face. My baby brother called me so I went to go see him, I saw him the grudge was holding him and my baby brother was dead… I went to the basement because someone was calling me. I went and called mom. So I saw candle's and there was the grudge.”)

Content & Development

The narrative reveals limited content and development. The writer provides an adequately developed plot, setting, and characters, but the narrative lacks sufficient detail to make this more than a summary of what happens in the story. Tension/conflict/a problem may be stated but not developed sufficiently. Some dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Although the writer provides brief information to set the mood of the narrative, limited details are used to develop the main events of the story. More details are needed in order to understand the sequence of events. (“I walked out the house and said bye to my mom and dad to go to the mall. I was walking there was thunder and rain and I heard a crack but I turned around and there was nobody there. I turned back and ran home crying ‘Mommy’.”)

The details about characters in the story are limited. The writer introduces the character “Grudge” into the narrative, but he/she does not describe the character in any way. (“When I looked around the front door opened and when I turned around the grudge was right in my face. My baby brother called me so I went to go see him, I saw him the grudge was holding him and my baby brother was dead… I went to the basement because someone was calling me. I went and called mom. So I saw candle's and there was the grudge.”)

The writer does not implement sufficient use of dialogue in the narrative. The writer should include dialogue so he/she can share the thoughts of characters in the story. (“I said HI my brother's and my mom and dad popped right in front of me and said Happy Birthday honey. They turned on the lights but I said I thought the light wire was cut and they said my light bulb was dead.”)

Organization

The beginning of the narrative attempts to grab the readers’ attention in a way that would entice them to continue reading. The writer creates an initial scene of a sudden thunderstorm and strange noises. (“ I walked out the house and said bye to my mom and dad to go to the mall. I was walking there was thunder and rain and I heard a crack but I turned around and there was nobody there. I turned back and ran home crying ‘Mommy’.”)

Subtle transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story and lead readers through the narrative. (“ I got home I opened the door and ran into my room to turn on my light but the wire was cut. And thunder and rain struct and I quikly grabed out a flashlight because it was a blackout. I ran down stairsbut all of a sudden I heard noises and I called mom. But I heard noises in the kitchen so I ran to the kitchen when I turned on the light there was nobody there. When I looked around the front door opened and when I turned around the grudge was right in my face.”)

The writer does not provide an ending that gives the readers a sense of closure. At the very end of the story, the writer reveals that the noises were part of an elaborate hoax by the family. (“ I said HI my brother's and my mom and dad popped right in front of me and said Happy Birthday honey. They turned on the lights but I said I thought the light wire was cut and they said my light bulb was dead. So we lived happy ever after. The End.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited use of language, voice, and style in the narrative. The story reveals use of simple l anguage and word choice, along with some awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, the word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

The sentence structure is repetitive, and many sentences begin with “I.” (“ I walked out the house and said bye to my mom and dad to go to the mall. I was walking there was thunder and rain and I heard a crack but I turned around and there was nobody there. I turned back and ran home crying ‘Mommy’… I got home I opened the door and ran into my room to turn on my light but the wire was cut. And thunder and rain struct and I quikly grabed out a flashlight because it was a blackout. I ran down stairsbut all of a sudden I heard noises and I called mom.”)

The writer should elaborate with more descriptive language to make the story more interesting to the intended audience. (“ When I looked around the front door opened and when I turned around the grudge was right in my face. My baby brother called me so I went to go see him, I saw him the grudge was holding him and my baby brother was dead.”)

S entences are too informal, and word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“ I went to the basement because someone was calling me. I went and called mom. So I saw candle's and there was the grudge. I took his mask off and it was my big brother and my little brother drinking fruit punch. I said HI my brother's and my mom and dad popped right in front of me and said Happy Birthday honey. They turned on the lights but I said I thought the light wire was cut and they said my light bulb was dead. So we lived happy ever after.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should make sure each sentence begins with a capital letter, has a subject and a verb, and ends with an appropriate punctuation mark. The writer should ensure new paragraphs are indicated with line breaks, words are spelled correctly, and words are used properly within the context of sentences. (“I got home I opened the door and ran into my room to turn on my light but the wire was cut. And thunder and rain struct and I quikly grabed out a flashlight because it was a blackout. I ran down stairsbut all of a sudden I heard noises and I called mom. But I heard noises in the kitchen so I ran to the kitchen when I turned on the light there was nobody there.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

A walk in the woods

When I get mad I tack a walk in the woods. today I got mad at Elle and stormed outside and went in the woods to tack a walk. When he got fare in the woods I decided to head back home gust before I was about to go he heard a snap behind me and started to run. I trip and fell in a muddy puddle and I heard laughter in the distant I yield at and said Elle then I ran back to where I was but now one was there but I had a feeling there was some one was there. I look cosheily I look behind a bush I saw a angry mom raccoon and I back up slowly step back were ds and bump in to Elle and the angry mom was hissing at them and they started to run home. and Oscar wanted to scare them when they came back he saw them running tords the house he was waiting for them and when he pop out they trampled over him and slammed the door and said were home

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story only minimally states the main event of the story. (“When I get mad I tack a walk in the woods. today I got mad at Elle and stormed outside and went in the woods to tack a walk. When he got fare in the woods I decided to head back home gust before I was about to go he heard a snap behind me and started to run.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently enough to give the readers a true sense of the character’s fear and confusion in the woods. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“I trip and fell in a muddy puddle and I heard laughter in the distant I yield at and said Elle then I ran back to where I was but now one was there but I had a feeling there was some one was there. I look cosheily I look behind a bush I saw a angry mom raccoon and I back up slowly step back were ds and bump in to Elle and the angry mom was hissing at them and they started to run home.”)

The writer’s details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“and Oscar wanted to scare them when they came back he saw them running tords the house he was waiting for them and when he pop out they trampled over him and slammed the door and said were home”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting, and characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. The story lacks tension or conflict to make it interesting. Little to no dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Only minimal details are used to develop the main events of the story. The plot is only minimally developed. The writer briefly addresses the character taking a walk in the woods, but these ideas are not developed in a way that enhances the story. (“When I get mad I tack a walk in the woods. today I got mad at Elle and stormed outside and went in the woods to tack a walk. When he got fare in the woods I decided to head back home gust before I was about to go he heard a snap behind me and started to run.”)

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is not sufficiently developed. (“I trip and fell in a muddy puddle and I heard laughter in the distant I yield at and said Elle then I ran back to where I was but now one was there but I had a feeling there was some one was there.”)

The writer does not provide a narrative that includes a detailed setting or characters. There are no descriptions of the setting, and the writer does not attempt to describe the characters in any way. (“and Oscar wanted to scare them when they came back he saw them running tords the house he was waiting for them and when he pop out they trampled over him and slammed the door and said were home”)

Organization

The story attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning; however, the reasons for the character’s actions are not sufficiently explained. (“ When I get mad I tack a walk in the woods. today I got mad at Elle and stormed outside and went in the woods to tack a walk.”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. By including more effective transitions, the writer can create an effective flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence. (“ I look cosheily I look behind a bush I saw a angry mom raccoon and I back up slowly step back were ds and bump in to Elle and the angry mom was hissing at them and they started to run home.”)

The story minimally demonstrates an ending. The conclusion is confusing and fails to reveal insightful lessons the characters may have learned through their experiences in the story. (“ and Oscar wanted to scare them when they came back he saw them running tords the house he was waiting for them and when he pop out they trampled over him and slammed the door and said were home”)

Language Use & Style

The language is simple and repetitive. Word choices and sentence structure do not effectively communicate the writer’s story to the intended audience. (“ When I get mad I tack a walk in the woods. today I got mad at Elle and stormed outside and went in the woods to tack a walk.”)

Exact words are missing, and errors in syntax are evident. These errors impede the readers’ ability to follow and understand the narrative. (“ I trip and fell in a muddy puddle and I heard laughter in the distant I yield at and said Elle then I ran back to where I was but now one was there but I had a feeling there was some one was there.”)

There are several run-on sentences in the narrative. The writer needs to phrase ideas in an effective way that clearly communicates the events. (“ and Oscar wanted to scare them when they came back he saw them running tords the house he was waiting for them and when he pop out they trampled over him and slammed the door and said were home”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the narrative exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphs with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized and meaningful story. (“I look cosheily I look behind a bush I saw a angry mom raccoon and I back up slowly step back were ds and bump in to Elle and the angry mom was hissing at them and they started to run home.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

one day i was coming home. when i herd a stick break in the woods than i turnd around then i kep walking i got to the door i heardsome thing i lit a candil and i took it outside by the power chords and all o them were cut and i found a nail. a very shap nail then i herd a stick break a nother time so i ran in my house then some then knoked on my door i went tolook what it was and there was a hole in the door so i invited some friends over to my house as they came out. of the woods

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is suggested, but the writer does not focus details to elaborate on the story's main theme. (“ one day i was coming home. when i herd a stick break in the woods than i turnd around then i kep walking i got to the door i heardsome thing”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of intended audience. (“i lit a candil and i took it outside by the power chords and all o them were cut and i found a nail. a very shap nail then i herd a stick break a nother time so i ran in my house then some then knoked on my door”)

All parts of the story do not relate to the main event. (“i went tolook what it was and there was a hole in the door so i invited some friends over to my house as they came out. of the woods”)

Content & Development

The setting is not developed; providing details about the characters’ surroundings will help the readers imagine the scene in their minds. (“ one day i was coming home. when i herd a stick break in the woods than i turnd around then i kep walking i got to the door”)

There is no dialogue that reveals what the characters may think or say aloud. (“heardsome thing i lit a candil and i took it outside by the power chords and all o them were cut and i found a nail. a very shap nail then i herd a stick break a nother time so i ran in my house”)

The writer mentions characters in the story, but they are not developed in detail. (“then some then knoked on my door i went tolook what it was and there was a hole in the door so i invited some friends over to my house as they came out. of the woods”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the narrative is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of ideas.

The story does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning because it does not clearly focus on telling a story that would reveal, in great detail, a spooky mystery in the woods. (“ one day i was coming home. when i herd a stick break in the woods than i turnd around then i kep walking i got to the door”)

Events are not clearly in order. There are significant gaps in time sequence that hinder the flow of events in the story. (“ i heardsome thing i lit a candil and i took it outside by the power chords and all o them were cut and i found a nail. a very shap nail then i herd a stick break a nother time so i ran in my house”)

The story includes no identifiable ending that summarizes the theme of the prompt task or gives the readers a sense of closure. (“ then some then knoked on my door i went tolook what it was and there was a hole in the door so i invited some friends over to my house as they came out. of the woods”)

Language Use & Style

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ one day i was coming home. when i herd a stick break in the woods than i turnd around then i kep walking i got to the door i heardsome thing”)

There are incorrect word choices employed within the context of some sentences. (“ i lit a candil and i took it outside by the power chords and all o them were cut and i found a nail. a very shap nail then i herd a stick break a nother time”)

There is no style reflected on the part of the writer in terms of word choices, organization, or sentence structure in the narrative. (“so i ran in my house then some then knoked on my door i went tolook what it was and there was a hole in the door so i invited some friends over to my house as they came out. of the woods”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the narrative exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphs with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized story. The narrative is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“one day i was coming home. when i herd a stick break in the woods than i turnd around then i kep walking i got to the door i heardsome thing i lit a candil and i took it outside by the power chords and all o them were cut and i found a nail. a very shap nail then i herd a stick break a nother time so i ran in my house then some then knoked on my door i went tolook what it was and there was a hole in the door so i invited some friends over to my house as they came out. of the woods”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Favorite Character

Imagine you could be a character in any book. What character would you choose to be? If you could be this character, how would your life be different?

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

“All right, our homework is done! This is awesome, Brenton!” Hello my name is Cory. This is a story that’s about my favorite character. Actually, I will be my favorite character. My favorite character is Brenton! He is a character from The Homework Machine ! Do you want to hear some things about the story? So, can you tell that there is a homework machine involved? Brenton invented this homework machine that does your homework for you. It is a secret from everyone with the exception of three kids that found out about the helpful contraption. Let’s just let you in on my story and forget about the nonessential details! Focus on the idea that this story is about being my favorite character, Brenton, and how it would change my life. So keep reading if you would like to hear about how this discovery would change my life!

So if I was Brenton, then I would not have to do my homework every single day! So when I come home from school with three of my friends, we just wait until our homework pops out of the machine! We just hang out doing things like playing games, watching television, eating snacks, and many other things! So basically, our schedule involves coming home, putting our homework in the machine, and just starting to do anything! “Hey guys, what would you like to do while we are waiting for our homework to be finished?” My school day is fun! I like this homework machine because it does my homework and I get much more power! More power means I won’t be “the geek” anymore! No more hearing the kids teasing, “Hey Geek, why do you carry so many books around wherever you go? You are a little bookworm!” People will not call me anything anymore because I will have tons and tons of respect! Maybe I will be famous at school. “Hey that’s the kid with the homework machine! Isn’t he awesome?” Even older kids will respect me if I permit them to use my homework machine! “Dude, you are pretty cool for a little kid!”

One day the guys and I were just sitting around waiting for our assignments to be completed. Like a bolt of lightening, it came to me. “I can’t believe this! I have the greatest idea in the world! Maybe we could have people pay one dollar for every piece of homework we complete for them!” I could see it so clearly in my mind. “I can imagine doing this! We will be rich!” I figured that this was one way to make money. There were many ways we could start up this new business. First, with my money, I would buy a miniature house. In the house, there would be three schoolwork machines! A student would pay up front and then I would feed the work into the machine! By doing all this in a secret area, there would be no way to get caught! “Is that a great idea or what? I think it is a fantastic idea!” I exclaimed.

“Can you imagine what it would be like with a homework machine?” I, Corey, am back and here to ask you, “Would you like to have a homework machine?” Some of you may say yes, and some of you may say no. “Would you like to persuade me why you said your answer?” The yes people said yes because it would do the homework for them! “We need a break,” the overworked students cried. “So what do you say no people?” The No’s responded, “We say it is just wrong!” “This is a close one,” I said. “I will figure it out!”

I have already said the good things about having a homework machine. Now I will talk about the negative sides of using one of those things. One bad thing is, on tests, we don’t know much because we don’t do our homework. Also, if we do poorly on tests, we will get bad grades. If we get bad grades, this calls for tutoring! We all hate tutoring. Second of all, if we get caught, we will all get into big trouble. “So there are good things and bad things,” Brenton said. “This is a tough decision, but I think I will go on with what I have been doing.” My life would be easier and more difficult at the same time. I am willing to take the chance.

I know I cannot really be my favorite character but I do notice some things that are the same and different about us. I have learned that one similarity is that we both are sort of smart. Another similarity is for me, to be honest, my friends and I would really like a real homework machine too. Those are some similarities! I also learned that we have differences! One difference is that Brenton is sort of a geek person and I am sort of sporty. So those were some differences and similarities between us!

“Hello, it’s me, Cory, talking again! So did you like me being my favorite character?” If this could be real, it would be awesome. But the only bad thing is that if I got caught, I would get in trouble. What if we all knew that being Brenton would really change our lives? Would every kid want to be him? There would be many good things and bad things about having a life like Brenton has! Anyway, thank you for listening to my story! I hope that you liked it! Now give it some thought. If given the chance, would you want a homework machine?”

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay’s focus and meaning are very effective. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story.

The writer directs the readers’ attention from the very first paragraph, using the introduction to set up the focus of the essay, which is consistent with the prompt task. (“Let’s just let you in on my story and forget about the nonessential details! Focus on the idea that this story is about being my favorite character, Brenton, and how it would change my life. So keep reading if you would like to hear about how this discovery would change my life!”)

All of the events in the essay are consistent with the prompt. (“So if I was Brenton, then I would not have to do my homework every single day! So when I come home from school with three of my friends, we just wait until our homework pops out of the machine! We just hang out doing things like playing games, watching television, eating snacks, and many other things! So basically, our schedule involves coming home, putting our homework in the machine, and just starting to do anything! “Hey guys, what would you like to do while we are waiting for our homework to be finished?” My school day is fun! I like this homework machine because it does my homework and I get much more power! More power means I won’t be “the geek” anymore! No more hearing the kids teasing, “Hey Geek, why do you carry so many books around wherever you go? You are a little bookworm!” People will not call me anything anymore because I will have tons and tons of respect! Maybe I will be famous at school. “Hey that’s the kid with the homework machine! Isn’t he awesome?” Even older kids will respect me if I permit them to use my homework machine! “Dude, you are pretty cool for a little kid!”)

The details of the essay support the topic and purpose very effectively. (“ I have already said the good things about having a homework machine. Now I will talk about the negative sides of using one of those things. One bad thing is, on tests, we don’t know much because we don’t do our homework. Also, if we do poorly on tests, we will get bad grades. If we get bad grades, this calls for tutoring! We all hate tutoring. Second of all, if we get caught, we will all get into big trouble. “So there are good things and bad things,” Brenton said. “This is a tough decision, but I think I will go on with what I have been doing.” My life would be easier and more difficult at the same time. I am willing to take the chance.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the response. The writer provides a detailed and developed plot and setting. The main character is speaking directly to the audience to clearly establish the conflict that occurs when a youngster is tempted by the workings of a homework machine. This heightens the readers’ suspense for what choices the character may make in the story. Dialogue may be used very effectively to reveal the main character’s thoughts.

Detail is used to develop the main events in the essay very effectively. (“One day the guys and I were just sitting around waiting for our assignments to be completed. Like a bolt of lightening, it came to me. “I can’t believe this! I have the greatest idea in the world! Maybe we could have people pay one dollar for every piece of homework we complete for them!” I could see it so clearly in my mind. “I can imagine doing this! We will be rich!” I figured that this was one way to make money. There were many ways we could start up this new business. First, with my money, I would buy a miniature house. In the house, there would be three schoolwork machines! A student would pay up front and then I would feed the work into the machine! By doing all this in a secret area, there would be no way to get caught! “Is that a great idea or what? I think it is a fantastic idea!” I exclaimed.”)

The dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud) is developed very effectively and illustrates the problem or conflict in the essay. (“…If this could be real, it would be awesome. But the only bad thing is that if I got caught, I would get in trouble. What if we all knew that being Brenton would really change our lives? Would every kid want to be him? There would be many good things and bad things about having a life like Brenton has! Anyway, thank you for listening to my story! I hope that you liked it! Now give it some thought. If given the chance, would you want a homework machine?”)

Details very effectively describe the problem in the essay and why it is a problem. (“I have already said the good things about having a homework machine. Now I will talk about the negative sides of using one of those things. One bad thing is, on tests, we don’t know much because we don’t do our homework. Also, if we do poorly on tests, we will get bad grades. If we get bad grades, this calls for tutoring! We all hate tutoring. Second of all, if we get caught, we will all get into big trouble. “So there are good things and bad things,” Brenton said. “This is a tough decision, but I think I will go on with what I have been doing.” My life would be easier and more difficult at the same time. I am willing to take the chance.”)

Organization

The essay response is organized very effectively. The writer captures the readers’ attention with a clever opening. The essay flows very smoothly with the use of subtle transitions that support the sequential development of the response. The essay provides an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The essay very effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning. In this case, the writer uses a quotation from the story they chose to discuss and then provides background information to introduce readers to a debate of sorts, as to whether the use of a homework machine is something readers would consider for themselves. (“All right, our homework is done! This is awesome, Brenton!” Hello my name is Cory. This is a story that’s about my favorite character. Actually, I will be my favorite character. My favorite character is Brenton! He is a character from The Homework Machine ! Do you want to hear some things about the story? So, can you tell that there is a homework machine involved? Brenton invented this homework machine that does your homework for you. It is a secret from everyone with the exception of three kids that found out about the helpful contraption. Let’s just let you in on my story and forget about the nonessential details! Focus on the idea that this story is about being my favorite character, Brenton, and how it would change my life. So keep reading if you would like to hear about how this discovery would change my life!”)

The writer organizes the main ideas and events in the essay in a clear, sequential manner. (“I have already said the good things about having a homework machine. Now I will talk about the negative sides of using one of those things. One bad thing is, on tests, we don’t know much because we don’t do our homework. Also, if we do poorly on tests, we will get bad grades. If we get bad grades, this calls for tutoring! We all hate tutoring. Second of all, if we get caught, we will all get into big trouble. “So there are good things and bad things,” Brenton said. “This is a tough decision, but I think I will go on with what I have been doing.” My life would be easier and more difficult at the same time. I am willing to take the chance.”)

The ending demonstrates a very effective attempt to leave the readers with something to think about; for example, how to find out more about the subject or to consider whether the machine is something they would use in their daily lives. (“Hello, it’s me, Cory, talking again! So did you like me being my favorite character?” If this could be real, it would be awesome. But the only bad thing is that if I got caught, I would get in trouble. What if we all knew that being Brenton would really change our lives? Would every kid want to be him? There would be many good things and bad things about having a life like Brenton has! Anyway, thank you for listening to my story! I hope that you liked it! Now give it some thought. If given the chance, would you want a homework machine?”)

Language Use & Style

The essay provides very effective language use, voice, and style. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the effectiveness of the response.

The writer’s coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ One day the guys and I were just sitting around waiting for our assignments to be completed. Like a bolt of lightening, it came to me. “I can’t believe this! I have the greatest idea in the world! Maybe we could have people pay one dollar for every piece of homework we complete for them!” I could see it so clearly in my mind. “I can imagine doing this! We will be rich!” I figured that this was one way to make money. There were many ways we could start up this new business. First, with my money, I would buy a miniature house. In the house, there would be three schoolwork machines! A student would pay up front and then I would feed the work into the machine! By doing all this in a secret area, there would be no way to get caught! “Is that a great idea or what? I think it is a fantastic idea!” I exclaimed.”)

A clearly defined voice offers readers a clear sense of the writer’s intentions and thoughts in the essay response. (““Can you imagine what it would be like with a homework machine?” I, Corey, am back and here to ask you, “Would you like to have a homework machine?” Some of you may say yes, and some of you may say no. “Would you like to persuade me why you said your answer?” The yes people said yes because it would do the homework for them! “We need a break,” the overworked students cried. “So what do you say no people?” The No’s responded, “We say it is just wrong!” “This is a close one,” I said. “I will figure it out!””)

The writer’s word selections are effective and add to the tone of the response. (“ Brenton invented this homework machine that does your homework for you. It is a secret from everyone with the exception of three kids that found out about the helpful contraption. Let’s just let you in on my story and forget about the nonessential details! Focus on the idea that this story is about being my favorite character, Brenton, and how it would change my life. So keep reading if you would like to hear about how this discovery would change my life!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of conventions and mechanics. There are f ew or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ I know I cannot really be my favorite character but I do notice some things that are the same and different about us. I have learned that one similarity is that we both are sort of smart. Another similarity is for me, to be honest, my friends and I would really like a real homework machine too. Those are some similarities!”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

“Hmm...I like books about secrets!” I thought to myself. I went to the book store and chose a book called “Sixth Grade Secrets.” It made me think, “I wonder what secrets sixth graders have?” Since I was soon going to be in a sixth grade myself, I grabbed the book and asked my mom if I could get the book and read it. She bought it for me! With curious thoughts, I started to read this book as soon as I got back home. It turned out that it became my favorite book. Within the pages of this tale, my favorite character emerged. I will tell you about the main character in this story and why she is my most favorite character ever!

My favorite character is Laura. She is the main character in the book called the "Sixth Grade Secrets" by Louis Sachar. I like her because she was a cool girl and she really knew how to help people do things very well like writing, calling, or showing stuff that can be secrets. She has a cool secret club that she allows anyone to join. She has imaginative friends and they share their secrets with each other. She is pretty and smart. Laura’s life seems fun and full of excitement and adventure.

I wish I was Laura. If I were Laura, my life would so different. It would definitely be more interesting! I think that because she possesses unusual things like a box that looks like a treasure chest and she puts the club’s secrets in that box. Only club members can look at those secrets and I would be one of the few who could know the club secrets. Kids would say, “Hey Laura, tell me the club secrets!” “I cannot reveal them. Sorry!” I would reply. Laura’s life is really exciting and fun in secret clubs. She called the secret club “ Pig City ”. I think I would name it something more fun like, “Mystery Club”. To me, Laura is someone that I would like to be. I would love to live in her life. It seems so interesting and more fun than mine. She is very pretty and has long hair. Her mom always wants her to cut it shorter but Laura likes her hair longer. I would like to look just like Laura because I want to be pretty and have long hair too.

I would like to be a six grader just like her. I want to live in the place that she lives and the school that she goes to. I don’t like her school though, because her teacher makes his students copy and write a page from a dictionary. I would hate to do that because my hand would burn and in addition, I hate writing. I can imagine complaining to my friends, “I wish the dictionary page did not have so many words on it! My hand is burning!” I would try to be like her though, study hard and become smart like her. I would keep on studying and memorize all my vocabulary, pay attention in class, ask for help when I don't understand something, and just keep on trying. My parents would say, “Oh we are so proud of how smart you are!”

Laura is my favorite character because she has good friends. She also has cool things and she never lies to anyone. I think those are good qualities to have in a person. I think Laura and I could be best friends and have lots of fun together. It will be fun to be her friend. Don’t get me wrong, I like my life just the way it is because I have a nicer teacher than she does, and friends like her, and a better family. I just think it would be more exciting because the book was fun and I would like to be in the secret club that she made named Pig City .

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay’s focus and meaning are good. The writer demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The response provides description and details that are all relevant to the story.

The events in the essay are consistent with the prompt. (“I will tell you about the main character in this story and why she is my most favorite character ever! My favorite character is Laura. She is the main character in the book called the "Sixth Grade Secrets" by Louis Sachar. I like her because she was a cool girl and she really knew how to help people do things very well like writing, calling, or showing stuff that can be secrets. She has a cool secret club that she allows anyone to join. She has imaginative friends and they share their secrets with each other. She is pretty and smart. Laura’s life seems fun and full of excitement and adventure. I wish I was Laura. If I were Laura, my life would so different. It would definitely be more interesting! I think that because she possesses unusual things like a box that looks like a treasure chest and she puts the club’s secrets in that box. Only club members can look at those secrets and I would be one of the few who could know the club secrets.”)

The writer focuses on the intended audience throughout the essay. (“Don’t get me wrong, I like my life just the way it is because I have a nicer teacher than she does, and friends like her, and a better family. I just think it would be more exciting because the book was fun and I would like to be in the secret club that she made named Pig City .”)

The details of the essay support the topic and purpose effectively. (“I would like to be a six grader just like her. I want to live in the place that she lives and the school that she goes to. I don’t like her school though, because her teacher makes his students copy and write a page from a dictionary. I would hate to do that because my hand would burn and in addition, I hate writing. I can imagine complaining to my friends, “I wish the dictionary page did not have so many words on it! My hand is burning!” I would try to be like her though, study hard and become smart like her. I would keep on studying and memorize all my vocabulary, pay attention in class, ask for help when I don't understand something, and just keep on trying. My parents would say, “Oh we are so proud of how smart you are!”)

Content & Development

The content and development of ideas in the essay are good. The writer provides sound ideas for why the character is her favorite and how her life could be different if she was the main character. The character presented by the writer is believable because many young girls often express the wish to be someone else. The writer employs the use of occasional dialogue to reveal the main character’s thoughts or the thoughts of the writer herself.

Detail is used to develop the main events in the essay effectively. (“ I would like to be a six grader just like her. I want to live in the place that she lives and the school that she goes to. I don’t like her school though, because her teacher makes his students copy and write a page from a dictionary. I would hate to do that because my hand would burn and in addition, I hate writing. I can imagine complaining to my friends, “I wish the dictionary page did not have so many words on it! My hand is burning!” I would try to be like her though, study hard and become smart like her. I would keep on studying and memorize all my vocabulary, pay attention in class, ask for help when I don't understand something, and just keep on trying.”)

The main character is developed in effective detail. (“My favorite character is Laura. She is the main character in the book called the "Sixth Grade Secrets" by Louis Sachar. I like her because she was a cool girl and she really knew how to help people do things very well like writing, calling, or showing stuff that can be secrets. She has a cool secret club that she allows anyone to join. She has imaginative friends and they share their secrets with each other. She is pretty and smart. Laura’s life seems fun and full of excitement and adventure.”)

The dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud) is developed effectively. (“ Only club members can look at those secrets and I would be one of the few who could know the club secrets. Kids would say, “Hey Laura, tell me the club secrets!” “I cannot reveal them. Sorry!” I would reply. Laura’s life is really exciting and fun in secret clubs. She called the secret club “ Pig City ”. I think I would name it something more fun like, “Mystery Club”.”)

Organization

There is good organization demonstrated by the writer in the essay response. The opening of essay excites readers to continue reading. The essay generally flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. The ending provides readers with a sense of completeness.

The essay effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ “Hmm...I like books about secrets!” I thought to myself. I went to the book store and chose a book called “Sixth Grade Secrets.” It made me think, “I wonder what secrets sixth graders have?” Since I was soon going to be in a sixth grade myself, I grabbed the book and asked my mom if I could get the book and read it. She bought it for me! With curious thoughts, I started to read this book as soon as I got back home. It turned out that it became my favorite book. Within the pages of this tale, my favorite character emerged.”)

The mood in the beginning is set effectively, and subtle transitions are used to connect events. (“ I wish I was Laura. If I were Laura, my life would so different. It would definitely be more interesting! I think that because she possesses unusual things like a box that looks like a treasure chest and she puts the club’s secrets in that box. Only club members can look at those secrets and I would be one of the few who could know the club secrets. Kids would say, “Hey Laura, tell me the club secrets!” “I cannot reveal them. Sorry!” I would reply. Laura’s life is really exciting and fun in secret clubs. She called the secret club “ Pig City ”. I think I would name it something more fun like, “Mystery Club”. To me, Laura is someone that I would like to be. I would love to live in her life. It seems so interesting and more fun than mine.”)

The ending effectively includes details about the resolution and the character’s feelings. (“ Laura is my favorite character because she has good friends. She also has cool things and she never lies to anyone. I think those are good qualities to have in a person. I think Laura and I could be best friends and have lots of fun together. It will be fun to be her friend. Don’t get me wrong, I like my life just the way it is because I have a nicer teacher than she does, and friends like her, and a better family. I just think it would be more exciting because the book was fun and I would like to be in the secret club that she made named Pig City .”)

Language Use & Style

The essay provides good use of language, voice, and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choices, has some evidence of voice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured sentences with some variety adds to the effectiveness of the writer’s response .

The language and tone of the response are consistent. (“ My favorite character is Laura. She is the main character in the book called the "Sixth Grade Secrets" by Louis Sachar. I like her because she was a cool girl and she really knew how to help people do things very well like writing, calling, or showing stuff that can be secrets. She has a cool secret club that she allows anyone to join. She has imaginative friends and they share their secrets with each other.”)

The writer’s coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point or thesis statement of the essay. (“ I wish I was Laura. If I were Laura, my life would so different. It would definitely be more interesting! I think that because she possesses unusual things like a box that looks like a treasure chest and she puts the club’s secrets in that box. Only club members can look at those secrets and I would be one of the few who could know the club secrets. Kids would say, “Hey Laura, tell me the club secrets!” “I cannot reveal them. Sorry!” I would reply.”)

The writer has a keen awareness of the intended audience and the purpose of the task. (“With curious thoughts, I started to read this book as soon as I got back home. It turned out that it became my favorite book. Within the pages of this tale, my favorite character emerged. I will tell you about the main character in this story and why she is my most favorite character ever!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of conventions and mechanics in the essay. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that do not interfere with the writer’s intended message .

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, and sentences begin with capital letters. (“ I wish I was Laura. If I were Laura, my life would so different. It would definitely be more interesting! I think that because she possesses unusual things like a box that looks like a treasure chest and she puts the club’s secrets in that box.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Wiz! An arrow went racing by my head. “It is the sheriff’s men - Hide!” I yelled. My men and I ducked behind some bushes. The sheriff and his men could not see us. “Maybe they hid behind some trees?” the sheriff asked. “That was close!” I said. “Very close.” said Little John. Little John is one of my best men. I am so glad he was with me.

My name is Robin Hood. I am in charge of a band of merry men. We live in the forest, and we all dress in Lincoln green to blend in with the foliage. We live in the forest because the sheriff is looking for us. He is mad that I take money from the rich, and give it to the poor. The king and the sheriff consider me an outlaw. The sheriff was hired by the king to hunt me down, so I have to stay hidden.

I have fooled the sheriff many times. My favorite was the time I won the golden arrow. Little John had told me that the sheriff had created a shooting match, and the prize was an arrow made of gold. I am the best archer around, so I decided that I wanted to be a contestant in the shooting match. So I disguised myself as a stranger and went to the contest.

There were three contestants: Gil O’ Cap, Adam O’ Dell, and a stranger with an eye patch. (Who was really me.) It was Gil O’ Cap’s turn to aim and shoot. He hit the target, but not the center. Adam O’ Dell hit the dead center. It was my turn, so I took careful aim, and fired. My arrow split Adam O’Dell’s arrow. I had won! The sheriff gave me the arrow. I thanked him and left.

“What is this?” asked the sheriff as an arrow with a note whizzed by him. He read the note. It said, “AT THE SHOOTING MATCH, YOU GAVE THE GOLDEN ARROW TO ROBIN HOOD.” The sheriff was furious because he knew he had been tricked again.

Even though it is fun to play tricks on the sheriff, it can be tough to be an outlaw. I don’t like having to stay hidden all the time. I know that I need to keep doing what is right even though it means becoming an outlaw. Being an outlaw is worth it when I know it means helping others.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. Through the writer’s response, he/she demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose, intended audience, and components of the task. The writer provides descriptions and details that are relevant to the story.

The narrative states the main event in the essay adequately. (“My name is Robin Hood. I am in charge of a band of merry men. We live in the forest, and we all dress in Lincoln green to blend in with the foliage. We live in the forest because the sheriff is looking for us. He is mad that I take money from the rich, and give it to the poor. The king and the sheriff consider me an outlaw. The sheriff was hired by the king to hunt me down, so I have to stay hidden.”)

The events in the essay are consistent with the prompt. (“I have fooled the sheriff many times. My favorite was the time I won the golden arrow. Little John had told me that the sheriff had created a shooting match, and the prize was an arrow made of gold. I am the best archer around, so I decided that I wanted to be a contestant in the shooting match. So I disguised myself as a stranger and went to the contest. There were three contestants: Gil O’ Cap, Adam O’ Dell, and a stranger with an eye patch. (Who was really me.) It was Gil O’ Cap’s turn to aim and shoot. He hit the target, but not the center. Adam O’ Dell hit the dead center. It was my turn, so I took careful aim, and fired. My arrow split Adam O’Dell’s arrow. I had won! The sheriff gave me the arrow. I thanked him and left.”)

There is adequate use of dialogue in the response, but the writer could have easily incorporated more action and dialogue into the telling of his/her story. (“It is the sheriff’s men - Hide!” I yelled. My men and I ducked behind some bushes. The sheriff and his men could not see us. “Maybe they hid behind some trees?” the sheriff asked. “That was close!” I said. “Very close.” said Little John. Little John is one of my best men. I am so glad he was with me.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development of ideas and events in the narrative. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting. The writer introduces the audience to a legendary, believable character and supporting characters. The essay provides adequate tension between Robin Hood and the sheriff and develops the conflict between them, which holds the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue, although limited, is used to reveal the thoughts of the main characters.

Although the writer missed the opportunities to elaborate in greater sensory detail about the characters and setting, the plot is adequately developed. (“My name is Robin Hood. I am in charge of a band of merry men. We live in the forest, and we all dress in Lincoln green to blend in with the foliage. We live in the forest because the sheriff is looking for us. He is mad that I take money from the rich, and give it to the poor. The king and the sheriff consider me an outlaw. The sheriff was hired by the king to hunt me down, so I have to stay hidden. I have fooled the sheriff many times. My favorite was the time I won the golden arrow. Little John had told me that the sheriff had created a shooting match, and the prize was an arrow made of gold.”)

There is adequate information about what happens before the main event. The background information helps readers understand why there is tension between the main characters in the narrative. (“Wiz! An arrow went racing by my head. “It is the sheriff’s men - Hide!” I yelled. My men and I ducked behind some bushes. The sheriff and his men could not see us. “Maybe they hid behind some trees?” the sheriff asked. “That was close!” I said. “Very close.” said Little John. Little John is one of my best men. I am so glad he was with me. My name is Robin Hood. I am in charge of a band of merry men. We live in the forest, and we all dress in Lincoln green to blend in with the foliage. We live in the forest because the sheriff is looking for us. He is mad that I take money from the rich, and give it to the poor. The king and the sheriff consider me an outlaw. The sheriff was hired by the king to hunt me down, so I have to stay hidden.”)

The writer provides adequate information about what happens during and after the main event. (“I have fooled the sheriff many times. My favorite was the time I won the golden arrow. Little John had told me that the sheriff had created a shooting match, and the prize was an arrow made of gold. I am the best archer around, so I decided that I wanted to be a contestant in the shooting match. So I disguised myself as a stranger and went to the contest. There were three contestants: Gil O’ Cap, Adam O’ Dell, and a stranger with an eye patch. (Who was really me.) It was Gil O’ Cap’s turn to aim and shoot. He hit the target, but not the center. Adam O’ Dell hit the dead center. It was my turn, so I took careful aim, and fired. My arrow split Adam O’Dell’s arrow. I had won! The sheriff gave me the arrow. I thanked him and left. “What is this?” asked the sheriff as an arrow with a note whizzed by him. He read the note. It said, “AT THE SHOOTING MATCH, YOU GAVE THE GOLDEN ARROW TO ROBIN HOOD.” The sheriff was furious because he knew he had been tricked again.”)

Organization

The organization of events and ideas in the essay is adequate. The writer provides an interesting opening that keeps readers reading. The essay generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transitions that support sequential development.

The introduction demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. In this case, the writer chooses some sensory descriptions of arrows whizzing past the main character’s head. The opening of the essay is effective enough to adequately get the readers’ attention. (“ Wiz! An arrow went racing by my head. “It is the sheriff’s men - Hide!” I yelled. My men and I ducked behind some bushes. The sheriff and his men could not see us. “Maybe they hid behind some trees?” the sheriff asked. “That was close!” I said. “Very close.” said Little John.”) The use of dialogue in the introduction also serves to provide readers with hints concerning the relationship between Robin Hood and the law.

Although events are clearly in order, the lack of transitional devices impedes the flow and sequence to connect the events in the essay more effectively. (“There were three contestants: Gil O’ Cap, Adam O’ Dell, and a stranger with an eye patch. (Who was really me.) It was Gil O’ Cap’s turn to aim and shoot. He hit the target, but not the center. Adam O’ Dell hit the dead center. It was my turn, so I took careful aim, and fired. My arrow split Adam O’Dell’s arrow. I had won! The sheriff gave me the arrow. I thanked him and left.”) The writer can employ transitions from the MY Access! Word Bank to enhance the effectiveness of the essay.

The ending includes details about the resolution in the story and about the characters’ feelings. (“ Even though it is fun to play tricks on the sheriff, it can be tough to be an outlaw. I don’t like having to stay hidden all the time. I know that I need to keep doing what is right even though it means becoming an outlaw. Being an outlaw is worth it when I know it means helping others.”) The ending easily leaves the readers with something to think about; for example, readers could argue for or against the moral conflicts involved in breaking the law for what they believe is a good reason. The writer can get his/her audience to contemplate ideas such as, “Is there ever a time where breaking the law can be justified?”

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits adequate language use, voice, and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The narrative generally reflects correct sentence structure with some variety .

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ Wiz! An arrow went racing by my head. “It is the sheriff’s men - Hide!” I yelled. My men and I ducked behind some bushes. The sheriff and his men could not see us. “Maybe they hid behind some trees?” the sheriff asked. “That was close!” I said. “Very close.” said Little John. Little John is one of my best men. I am so glad he was with me.”)

The writer demonstrates adequate voice by narrating the essay through the eyes and experiences of his/her favorite character. (“ I have fooled the sheriff many times. My favorite was the time I won the golden arrow. Little John had told me that the sheriff had created a shooting match, and the prize was an arrow made of gold. I am the best archer around, so I decided that I wanted to be a contestant in the shooting match. So I disguised myself as a stranger and went to the contest.”)

The writer makes adequate use of the intended audience by choosing details that keep the reader hanging on and by making them wonder what may happen next. (““What is this?” asked the sheriff as an arrow with a note whizzed by him. He read the note. It said, “AT THE SHOOTING MATCH, YOU GAVE THE GOLDEN ARROW TO ROBIN HOOD.” The sheriff was furious because he knew he had been tricked again.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The control of conventions and mechanics in the essay is adequate. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

The essay adequately provides sentences that have subject-verb agreement, correct punctuation and capitalization, and appropriate and varied word selection. (“ Even though it is fun to play tricks on the sheriff, it can be tough to be an outlaw. I don’t like having to stay hidden all the time. I know that I need to keep doing what is right even though it means becoming an outlaw. Being an outlaw is worth it when I know it means helping others.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Hey! Do you know anything about John Henry? Well, I do. This is why I would like to be John Henry.

I would be John Henry because he is strong. They even say that he out-drilled a steam drill. He was thought to have a hammer in his hand when he was born. Just imagine a baby holding a hammer! He was also persistent and brave, and When John beat the steam drill, his poor little heart broke, thus John Henry died. He was buried in the lawn of the White House while the president and his wife were asleep.

If I was him I would have bigger muscles, and be a kid body builder. I could also win all the fights I purposely started. I would have incredible power. I could also have a hammer. I would be the strongest boy in school. “Watch out for me guys. I am the strongest kid in the school! No one better mess around with me!”

That is why I would like to be John Henry. Now you know a little bit more about John Henry. Now you can boast to your friends.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning in the essay. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Although the writer provides descriptions and details that are relevant to the story, his/her focus is not sustained on ideas long enough for readers to truly grasp the importance of the character to the writer.

In the beginning, the purpose of the essay is limited. The writer gives a limited amount of background information on his/her favorite character, but pays very little attention to the task of sharing how life would be different for the writer if he/she was the character. (“Hey! Do you know anything about John Henry? Well, I do. This is why I would like to be John Henry.”)

The details about the writer’s favorite character are limited. (“I would be John Henry because he is strong. They even say that he out-drilled a steam drill. He was thought to have a hammer in his hand when he was born. Just imagine a baby holding a hammer! He was also persistent and brave, and When John beat the steam drill, his poor little heart broke, thus John Henry died. He was buried in the lawn of the White House while the president and his wife were asleep.”)

There is limited use of dialogue in the essay. The writer strays from creating a narrative and instead produces a response that is more informative in tone and presentation. (“I would be the strongest boy in school. “Watch out for me guys. I am the strongest kid in the school! No one better mess around with me!”)

Content & Development

The essay exhibits limited development of content and lacks supporting ideas to make this an effective response. The writer was on the way to providing an adequately developed plot, setting, and character, but lacks sufficient details to make this more than a summary of some of the character’s background. The writer is limited in expressing how life would be different if he/she was the chosen character, so the essay lacks tension/conflict or a clearly stated problem that would need a resolution. There is also very little dialogue used to reveal the character’s thoughts in the response.

The plot is limited. (“ If I was him I would have bigger muscles, and be a kid body builder. I could also win all the fights I purposely started. I would have incredible power.”)

The dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud) is limited. (“Watch out for me guys. I am the strongest kid in the school! No one better mess around with me!”)

There is no sensory detail about the setting (how it looks, smells, feels, etc.), and the character is developed in only limited detail. (“I would be John Henry because he is strong. They even say that he out-drilled a steam drill. He was thought to have a hammer in his hand when he was born. Just imagine a baby holding a hammer! He was also persistent and brave, and When John beat the steam drill, his poor little heart broke, thus John Henry died. He was buried in the lawn of the White House while the president and his wife were asleep.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is limited. The writer provides an adequate opening that may not hold the readers’ attention. The flow of the essay may be broken by gaps in time and sequence, and transitions may be weak. The essay manages to provide readers with some sense of closure.

The beginning demonstrates a limited attempt to grab the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. In this case, a question is posed to the intended audience. (“ Hey! Do you know anything about John Henry? Well, I do. This is why I would like to be John Henry.”)

The writer should have incorporated transitional devices into the essay that would have contributed to a greater sense of flow and sequence. (“ He was also persistent and brave, and When John beat the steam drill, his poor little heart broke, thus John Henry died. He was buried in the lawn of the White House while the president and his wife were asleep.”) Transitions can be very effective in connecting events and lead readers through the plot.

The essay demonstrates a limited ending and does not leave the readers with something to think about or how to find out more about the character. (“ That is why I would like to be John Henry. Now you know a little bit more about John Henry. Now you can boast to your friends.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style in the response is limited. The writer demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice with some awareness of audience and control of voice. The essay relies on simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety and word choice.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ He was also persistent and brave, and When John beat the steam drill, his poor little heart broke, thus John Henry died.”)

In some instances, the lengths of the sentences are too short. (“ He was thought to have a hammer in his hand when he was born. Just imagine a baby holding a hammer!”)

The writer uses the same group of words to begin many sentences in a paragraph. (“ I would have bigger muscles, and be a kid body builder. I could also win all the fights I purposely started. I would have incredible power. I could also have a hammer. I would be the strongest boy in school.”)

There is occasional repetition. (“ This is why I would like to be John Henry. I would be John Henry because he is strong.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ That is why I would like to be John Henry. Now you know a little bit more about John Henry. Now you can boast to your friends.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates a limited control of conventions and mechanics in the narrative. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer should always make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with appropriate punctuation marks, use correct capitalization, and check the spelling of chosen words. (“ He was thought to have a hammer in his hand when he was born. Just imagine a baby holding a hammer! He was also persistent and brave, and When John beat the steam drill, his poor little heart broke, thus John Henry died.”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I read a book called The Boxcar Children by Gertrude Chandler Warner. If I could be any person in the book I would be Benny. Benny lives in a box. Jessie and Violet made the food for Henry and Benny. Benny Acts like a goof ball. He can’t touch the letter "F" before Watch did.

He makes people laugh by shaving off Watch’s . Likes cherrys. If I were Benny my life would be very different. He don’t play games. He don’t play on the playground.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is minimal focus and meaning in the essay. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The essay provides descriptions and details that are too brief. Therefore, the essay leaves readers with a minimal sense of the importance of the character or how living a day in the character’s life would be a different experience for the writer.

The writer only minimally states the main event of the essay. (“ Benny lives in a box. Jessie and Violet made the food for Henry and Benny.”)

The events in the essay are often not consistent with the prompt. (“Benny Acts like a goof ball. He can’t touch the letter "F" before Watch did. He makes people laugh by shaving off Watch’s . Likes cherrys.”)

The details of the essay (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“I read a book called The Boxcar Children by Gertrude Chandler Warner. If I could be any person in the book I would be Benny. Benny lives in a box. Jessie and Violet made the food for Henry and Benny. Benny Acts like a goof ball. He can’t touch the letter "F" before Watch did. He makes people laugh by shaving off Watch’s . Likes cherrys. If I were Benny my life would be very different. He don’t play games. He don’t play on the playground.”)

Content & Development

The content and development of ideas in the essay are minimal at best. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The essay includes some details or information that detracts from the story. The response lacks tension or conflict to make the essay interesting. No dialogue is incorporated into the essay. As a result, the essay does little to reveal thoughts that the characters may have.

The details used to develop the main events of the essay are very minimal and have no effect on the development of the narrative. (“Jessie and Violet made the food for Henry and Benny. Benny Acts like a goof ball. He can’t touch the letter "F" before Watch did.”)

The setting is not developed in detail. (“ Benny lives in a box.”)

The characters are not developed in detail, and dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud) is never incorporated into the essay. (“ He makes people laugh by shaving off Watch’s . Likes cherrys.”)

The plot is only minimally developed, with no clear indication of what important events may have occurred in the essay. (“He makes people laugh by shaving off Watch’s . Likes cherrys. If I were Benny my life would be very different. He don’t play games. He don’t play on the playground.”)

Organization

The organization of the thesis and supporting details in the essay are minimal and do not provide a flow necessary for readers to comprehend the writer’s response. The writer provides an opening to the response, but quickly loses focus on supporting the thesis. The flow of the essay is difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. The narrative also demonstrates little evidence of an ending.

The beginning of the essay does not effectively grab the readers’ attention and includes only minimal background information about the event. (“ I read a book called The Boxcar Children by Gertrude Chandler Warner. If I could be any person in the book I would be Benny. Benny lives in a box. Jessie and Violet made the food for Henry and Benny.”)

There are very little to no transitions used to connect events in the essay; therefore, events are often not clearly in order. (“ If I were Benny my life would be very different. He don’t play games. He don’t play on the playground.”)

The essay fails to demonstrate an ending. It does not summarize the points made, nor does it attempt to teach the readers a lesson or encourage them to learn more about the character. (“ I read a book called The Boxcar Children by Gertrude Chandler Warner. If I could be any person in the book I would be Benny. Benny lives in a box. Jessie and Violet made the food for Henry and Benny. Benny Acts like a goof ball. He can’t touch the letter "F" before Watch did. He makes people laugh by shaving off Watch’s . Likes cherrys. If I were Benny my life would be very different. He don’t play games. He don’t play on the playground.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style on the part of the writer is minimal. The essay demonstrates poor language and word choice with very little awareness of audience. Basic errors in sentence structure and usage are also evident.

The lengths of some of the sentences are too short. The writer misses the opportunity to elaborate on ideas by using more complex and well-structured sentences. (“ He don’t play games. He don’t play on the playground.”)

Exact words are missing in sentences. This adds to the lack of clarity in the essay. (“ He makes people laugh by shaving off Watch’s . Likes cherrys.”)

The sentences in the narrative are too informal and grammatically incorrect. The essay response does not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ I read a book called The Boxcar Children by Gertrude Chandler Warner. If I could be any person in the book I would be Benny. Benny lives in a box. Jessie and Violet made the food for Henry and Benny. Benny Acts like a goof ball. He can’t touch the letter "F" before Watch did. He makes people laugh by shaving off Watch’s . Likes cherrys. If I were Benny my life would be very different. He don’t play games. He don’t play on the playground.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is minimal control of conventions and mechanics in the essay. The patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

In many instances, the writer may not use appropriate subject-verb agreement, use appropriate punctuation and capitalization, or incorporate correct spelling of chosen words. (“He makes people laugh by shaving off Watch’s . Likes cherrys. If I were Benny my life would be very different. He don’t play games. He don’t play on the playground.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

My favorite character is Spider Man. If you want to see me look for me movie. I am Spider Man so my life

is change! I could get things more fast climb to any high place and I could jump more farther. I could make a spider web too!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the essay are inadequate to effectively express the writer’s response to the task. The writer demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The essay provides very little detail and no dialogue to enhance the narrative or to give the reader a genuine look at how the writer’s life would be different as his/her favorite character.

In the beginning, the purpose of the essay is not stated. The writer does not assert a clear thesis that reflects the components of the writing task. (“ My favorite character is Spider Man. If you want to see me look for me movie.”)

The essay does not recognize the audience and makes no attempt to tell a narrative. The writer does not provide information that would reveal setting, characters, or plot. No dialogue is used in the response. (“ I am Spider Man so my life is change! I could get things more fast climb to any high place and I could jump more farther.”)

The introduction does little to grab the readers’ attention or give sufficient background to convey the significance of the character to the readers. (“My favorite character is Spider Man. If you want to see me look for me movie. I am Spider Man so my life is change!”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development in the essay. The response lacks an identifiable plot and setting. The main character is introduced, but not developed in any way. The lack of tension or conflict makes the essay uninteresting to follow. The writer submits a response in which not much happens.

The character presented in the essay is not developed. There are no sensory details about the character; for instance, how he looks, smells, feels, etc. (“ My favorite character is Spider Man. If you want to see me look for me movie.”)

There is no clearly developed setting provided in the essay. (“If you want to see me look for me movie.”)

The writer provides inadequate details to convey the ways his/her life would change if given the chance to be his/her favorite character. (“I could get things more fast climb to any high place and I could jump more farther. I could make a spider web too!”)

There is no dialogue used in the essay. The writer does not reveal what the characters think or say aloud in the very brief response to the writing task. (“ My favorite character is Spider Man. If you want to see me look for me movie. I am Spider Man so my life is change! I could get things more fast climb to any high place and I could jump more farther. I could make a spider web too!”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate. The essay has an opening that simply states who the writer’s favorite character is, with no attempt to engage the reader from the outset or provide background information to add meaning to the writer’s choice. The essay lacks basic organization (beginning, middle, and end) with serious gaps noted in the sequencing of the writer’s brief ideas.

The beginning does not creatively grab the readers’ attention because the writer does not include a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ My favorite character is Spider Man. ”)

The writer does not attempt to develop ideas using body paragraphs lead by main ideas. There is very little detail to support ideas, and no dialogue was employed to reveal the character’s thoughts and feelings.

Additionally, the response is too brief to use effective transitions to move the story from one event to the next. (“My favorite character is Spider Man. If you want to see me look for me movie. I am Spider Man so my life is change! I could get things more fast climb to any high place and I could jump more farther. I could make a spider web too!”)

The essay response has no recognizable conclusion. Consequently, readers are not given anything to think about and would not be motivated to learn more about this character. (“ I am Spider Man so my life is change! I could get things more fast climb to any high place and I could jump more farther. I could make a spider web too!”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style are inadequate for this response. The essay demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Exact words are missing from sentences in the response. (“ If you want to see me look for me movie.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ If you want to see me look for me movie. I am Spider Man so my life is change!”)

The essay exhibits no sense of voice or style to engage readers in the story. (“I could get things more fast climb to any high place and I could jump more farther. I could make a spider web too!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is inadequate control of conventions and mechanics in the essay. The errors are quite severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

The essay does not ensure that each sentence has subject-verb agreement. (“ I am Spider Man so my life is change!”)

The essay exhibits sentences that are unclear and oftentimes incoherent. (“ I could get things more fast climb to any high place and I could jump more farther.”)

The essay does provide correct punctuation and capitalization, but contains some spelling errors that impede understanding. (“ My favorite character is Spider Man. If you want to see me look for me movie. I am Spider Man so my life is change! I could get things more fast climb to any high place and I could jump more farther. I could make a spider web too!”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Fractured Fairy Tales

Choose a well-known fairy tale. Retell the story in first person from the point of view of one of the characters. Be sure to use descriptive language and dialogue so that the plot, setting, and conflict of the story are clear to the reader.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

The Real Story of the Pied Piper

You know the story of the Pied Piper, right? That means you know how the piper came and got rid of all the rats in the town, but didn't receive any pay; instead, he took the townspeople's children. I happen to be a bystander rat, and, well, none of this is true. The whole last part never even happened. This is the real story.

In the town of Hamelin there was a terrible plague of rats. They were in bathrooms, kitchens, basements, and wherever a rat could fit. So one day, a man had heard about the rat problem and thought if he could get rid of the rats, then the town would pay him. The Piper was running out of money, so he quickly ran to Hamelin so he could take care of the rats.

When he got there, he told the Mayor that he can get rid of the rats. "Oh thank you! The town will pay you a dollar every rat you kill," said the Mayor. The Piper was pleased with this deal. He then went to the square, which was in the middle of town, and started to play his pipe. He expected to see the rats flooding from the buildings, drawn to the beautiful notes he was playing.

He played for five more minutes until he was out of breath. "Why isn't this working?" he said to himself.

"Well it's a pipe, it won't do much but play music," said a voice. The Piper looked up and saw a rat staring at him.

"Did you just talk?" asked the Piper.

"Of course I did," said the rat. "There's no one else here."

The square was indeed empty.

"Can other rats talk too?"

"Yep. Didn't you know that?" said the rat. The Piper shook his head. He had to think of a new plan.

The next day he could not think of anything. He thought of luring the rats with big chunks of cheese, but he had no money and the rats had stolen all the cheese from the market. The Piper was about to give up when he felt something poke his ankle. He looked down and saw the rat from yesterday.

"Excuse me sir," said the rat politely. "Do you still play that pipe of yours?"

"Yes. That's why they call me a Piper," said the Piper rudely.

"Oh, well I really liked the music you were playing yesterday and I wanted you to play for my friends," said the rat.

The Piper was about to tell the rat to buzz off, but he quickly thought of an idea.

He forced a smile on his face. "I would love to play for your rat friends," he lied. "In fact, I have an idea. How about you gather all of your little rat friends and we'll have a big party right outside of town." The little rat looked excided. He was too young to know that you should never trust a human.

"Okay! I'll get all my friends!" said the rat and ran off. "Stupid rat," muttered the Piper.

Later that evening, the little rat brought 252 friends with him. "We're here!" the rat said. "Good," said the Piper. His plan was working. "Let's go, everyone." He began to play his flute and the rats began to follow.

The Piper led them from town to his trap by the river. The rats walked right onto the net. Now! The Piper pulled the rope and the rats were caught. "What's going on?!" yelled the little rat. "Let us out!" The Piper laughed. "I did it! I just made an easy 252 dollars!" The young rats were frightened. They realized that they were going to be killed. Luckily for them, one very small rat managed not to get caught and ran back to town to get help.

The Piper was heading towards the river to drown them, but then he felt the Earth rumble underneath his feet. He turned around and saw 974 adult rats charging right at him. The Piper screamed and tried to run for it, but the rats got him. They pinned him down while the others freed their children. "He tried to kill us! He's a bad man! He wanted to drown us in the river!" shouted the rat children. The leader of all the rats held up his paw. "Take the net and tie him up and then we'll decide what to do with him."

"Come on, guys, I was only playing with you. You can take a joke, right?" said the Piper but no one listened to him. Once the rats had fully bound him, the leader rat faced the Piper. "For endangering our children, you will face the same fate that you wanted to inflict on our children." "What?" asked the Piper. But just then all the rats picked him up and tossed him into the river.

So that's the real story; the rats never left town, the Piper was a treacherous knave and the townspeople were wimpy weasels. But soon, the rats got tired of living with the humans, so they chased them away. And the rats of Hamelin lived happily ever after.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story demonstrates very effective focus and meaning. It also exhibits a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Furthermore, the writer provides description and details that are all relevant to the story. Primarily, all of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“ You know the story of the Pied Piper, right? That means you know how the piper came and got rid of all the rats in the town, but didn't receive any pay; instead, he took the townspeople's children. I happen to be a bystander rat, and, well, none of this is true. The whole last part never even happened. This is the real story. ”) In the beginning, the supporting events are well stated. (“ In the town of Hamelin there was a terrible plague of rats. They were in bathrooms, kitchens, basements, and wherever a rat could fit. ”) The audience is thoroughly understood. (“ The next day he could not think of anything. He thought of luring the rats with big chunks of cheese, but he had no money and the rats had stolen all the cheese from the market. The Piper was about to give up when he felt something poke his ankle. ”)

Content & Development

The story exhibits very effective content and development. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting, and the writer creates complex characters. Also, the story clearly establishes tension that heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story, and dialogue is used very effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts. Specifically, detail is used to develop the main events very effectively. (“He forced a smile on his face. ‘I would love to play for your rat friends,’ he lied. ‘In fact, I have an idea. How about you gather all of your little rat friends and we'll have a big party right outside of town.’”) The dialogue in the following excerpt is developed very effectively: “‘Come on, guys, I was only playing with you. You can take a joke, right?’ said the Piper but no one listened to him. Once the rats had fully bound him, the leader rat faced the Piper.” There is very effective sensory detail about the setting. (“In the town of Hamelin there was a terrible plague of rats. They were in bathrooms, kitchens, basements, and wherever a rat could fit. So one day, a man had heard about the rat problem and thought if he could get rid of the rats, then the town would pay him. ”)

Organization

The story demonstrates very effective organization. The writer captures readers’ attention by providing a clever opening. Also, the writing flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development. The writer provides an ending that pulls the entire story together. In particular, the mood in the beginning is set very effectively with sensory words. (“The Piper was pleased with this deal. He then went to the square, which was in the middle of town, and started to play his pipe. He expected to see the rats flooding from the buildings, drawn to the beautiful notes he was playing.”) Events are clearly in order. (“Later that evening, the little rat brought 252 friends with him. ‘We're here!’ the rat said. ‘Good,’ said the Piper. His plan was working. ‘Let's go, everyone.’ He began to play his flute and the rats began to follow.”) The ending very effectively includes details about the story’s resolution. (“So that's the real story; the rats never left town, the Piper was a treacherous knave and the townspeople were wimpy weasels. But soon, the rats got tired of living with the humans, so they chased them away. And the rats of Hamelin lived happily ever after.”)

Language Use & Style

The story exhibits very effective language use and style. It demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience; in addition, the writer uses well-structured and varied sentences. In particular, paragraphs are aligned well with each other in terms of language and tone. (“ Later that evening, the little rat brought 252 friends with him . . . . The Piper was heading towards the river to drown them, but then he felt the Earth rumble underneath his feet. He turned around and saw 974 adult rats charging right at him .”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the focus of the story. (“ ‘Come on, guys, I was only playing with you. You can take a joke, right?’ said the Piper but no one listened to him. Once the rats had fully bound him, the leader rat faced the Piper. ”) Compound and complex sentences are used effectively. (“ The Piper was heading towards the river to drown them, but then he felt the Earth rumble underneath his feet. He turned around and saw 974 adult rats charging right at him. The Piper screamed and tried to run for it, but the rats got him. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story demonstrates very effective control of conventions and mechanics. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, e ach sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and paragraphs are distinguished by a line break. (“ The next day he could not think of anything. He thought of luring the rats with big chunks of cheese, but he had no money and the rats had stolen all the cheese from the market. The Piper was about to give up when he felt something poke his ankle. He looked down and saw the rat from yesterday. ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

This is the story of Little Red Riding Hood told from my point of view. Hi, I'm Little Red. My story begins on a beautiful day in the spring. My granny was sick and my mother thought that some cookies would cheer her up. I pulled my red cape over my shoulders and skipped down the cobblestone path and into the woods swinging a wicker basket in one hand. My mother had told me not to waste time along the way. Mother said that horrible things happened to people that weren't careful in the woods.

I walked along the path to granny's house, and soon came across a wolf. He was wearing a suit, and he looked like one of the things mother had told me to look out for. I tried to go around him like he wasn't there, but he stepped out in front of me. “Where might you be going?”, he asked me. I gulped, and answered, “To my Granny's house, she is sick.” He grinned a terrible grin, and said, “Why don't you pick her some pretty flowers? She would really like that.” I frowned, and set my basket on the ground. I guessed that he might just keep going down the path if I took his suggestion. I picked flowers and watched as he hurried down the path. I shrugged, and picked up my basket, setting the flowers inside.

I soon came to the clearing near Granny's house. I opened the front door, and headed down the hall to her bedroom. I gently knocked on the door. “Come in!” I swung open the door to see my granny sitting in bed with her checkered night cap on her head. I came a little closer and peered at her. She had long shaggy black hair. My granny had short white hair. I looked at her yellow eyes. My granny had soft blue eyes. I grabbed the edge of the blanket and jerked it off the bed.

All of the sudden, the wolf pounced at me. I screamed and ran inside the closet. Inside, I found my real granny sitting in the back of the closet in an old rocking chair. I ran to her and threw my arms around her. She held on to me and we sat together thinking of a plan. As soon as we settled on one, we went to our places. I opened the door and crept down the hall. As soon as the wolf heard me, he rushed out and grabbed me. My granny snuck up behind him and hit him hard on the head with a frying pan. He let go of me, and slumped onto the floor. My granny grabbed her knitting basket and tied his legs and mouth with strong twine.

We found a phone book, and called the animal control service, and soon a truck came with a cage on the back of it. The wolf looked at us angrily the entire time while the truck drove away down the road. My granny laughed, and drove me home in her old-fashioned car. My mother cried and laughed through the whole story. She then said that all is well that ends well. This is the real story of Little Red Riding Hood.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story exhibits good focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Also, the writer provides description and details that are all relevant to the story. The main event is stated well. (“My story begins on a beautiful day in the spring. My granny was sick and my mother thought that some cookies would cheer her up . . . . My mother had told me not to waste time along the way. Mother said that horrible things happened to people that weren't careful in the woods.”) In the beginning, the supporting events are well stated. (“I walked along the path to granny's house, and soon came across a wolf. He was wearing a suit, and he looked like one of the things mother had told me to look out for. I tried to go around him like he wasn't there, but he stepped out in front of me.”) The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“We found a phone book, and called the animal control service, and soon a truck came with a cage on the back of it. The wolf looked at us angrily the entire time while the truck drove away down the road. My granny laughed, and drove me home in her old-fashioned car.”)

Content & Development

The story exhibits good content and development. The writer provides a well-developed plot and setting and creates believable characters. The writer also establishes tension that heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. In particular, the characters are developed in effective detail. (“ I came a little closer and peered at her. She had long shaggy black hair. My granny had short white hair. I looked at her yellow eyes. My granny had soft blue eyes. I grabbed the edge of the blanket and jerked it off the bed.”) The plot is effectively developed. (“ All of the sudden, the wolf pounced at me. I screamed and ran inside the closet. Inside, I found my real granny sitting in the back of the closet in an old rocking chair. I ran to her and threw my arms around her . . . . My granny grabbed her knitting basket and tied his legs and mouth with strong twine.”) Details effectively describe the story’s solution. (“ My granny laughed, and drove me home in her old-fashioned car. My mother cried and laughed through the whole story. She then said that all is well that ends well. This is the real story of Little Red Riding Hood.”)

Organization

This story demonstrates good organization. The opening excites readers to continue reading. The text flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. The ending provides readers with a sense of completeness. Specifically, the beginning demonstrates an effective attempt to grab readers’ attention by including an interesting fact. (“ This is the story of Little Red Riding Hood told from my point of view. Hi, I'm Little Red. My story begins on a beautiful day in the spring.”) The beginning includes effective background information about the event. (“ My granny was sick and my mother thought that some cookies would cheer her up. I pulled my red cape over my shoulders and skipped down the cobblestone path and into the woods swinging a wicker basket in one hand.”) The ending effectively includes details about the resolution and the main character’s feelings. (“ We found a phone book, and called the animal control service, and soon a truck came with a cage on the back of it. The wolf looked at us angrily the entire time while the truck drove away down the road. My granny laughed, and drove me home in her old-fashioned car. My mother cried and laughed through the whole story. She then said that all is well that ends well. This is the real story of Little Red Riding Hood.”)

Language Use & Style

This story demonstrates good language use and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; additionally, the writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety . The language and tone are consistent throughout. (“ I walked along the path to granny's house, and soon came across a wolf. He was wearing a suit, and he looked like one of the things mother had told me to look out for. I tried to go around him like he wasn't there, but he stepped out in front of me.”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“ All of the sudden, the wolf pounced at me. I screamed and ran inside the closet. Inside, I found my real granny sitting in the back of the closet in an old rocking chair. I ran to her and threw my arms around her. She held on to me and we sat together thinking of a plan.”) Compound and complex sentences are used effectively. (“ I walked along the path to granny's house, and soon came across a wolf. He was wearing a suit, and he looked like one of the things mother had told me to look out for. I tried to go around him like he wasn't there, but he stepped out in front of me.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This story exhibits good control of conventions and mechanics. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, but they do not interfere with the writer’s message. Sentences have a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter; line breaks are used to separate paragraphs. (“ I soon came to the clearing near Granny's house. I opened the front door, and headed down the hall to her bedroom. I gently knocked on the door. ‘Come in!’ I swung open the door to see my granny sitting in bed with her checkered night cap on her head. I came a little closer and peered at her. She had long shaggy black hair. My granny had short white hair. I looked at her yellow eyes. My granny had soft blue eyes. I grabbed the edge of the blanket and jerked it off the bed.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

The dead princess and the pea

Once upon a time in a far away kingdom there lived a king, queen, and there handsome son. The king and queen loved their son, and wanted him to marry a smart, beautiful women. The queen decided she was going to hold a challenge for the girls to win her son's heart, and she did. The day came and the prince was not excited.

The girls arrived at the castle. The queen introduced herself and the obstacles began. First was Princess Isabella she tried to swim upstream with sharks and failed. Princess Ella was next, she couldn't run the mile with two pounds of potatoes on her back, so she also failed. Next was Princess Victoria she failed to climb up the mountain with spiders. The queen was starting to give up, the day was almost over and she still had not found a princess.

Time passed and passed and passed .Then all of a sudden a beautiful girl entered; the queen gave her the challenge to wrestle a bull. She did and she accomplished it. The queen was ecstatic and told Princess Rose to come join them for dinner and then stay the night in her finest bed. The princess agreed.

Dinner came and the princess joined the king and queen, they ate and then the servant showed the princess to her room. Before dinner was over the queen ordered the servant to go put a tiny pea under thirty mattresses, she would then know if the princess was a good enough for her son, if she had felt the pea she was, if not then she would fail.

She entered the room and looked around she saw a very tall bed with a ladder, a little white desk and a glass of water. She was very tired and decided to go to bed. She climbed up the latter, and went to bed. She could not sleep and couldn't figure out why. She was so tired then it came to her something was under the mattresses so she rolled around and rolled around and rolled around some more and while she was rolling one last time she fell off and died.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This story demonstrates adequate focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer also provides description and details that are relevant to the story. The main event of the story is adequately stated. (“ Once upon a time in a far away kingdom there lived a king, queen, and there handsome son. The king and queen loved their son, and wanted him to marry a smart, beautiful women. The queen decided she was going to hold a challenge for the girls to win her son's heart, and she did.”) The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“ Before dinner was over the queen ordered the servant to go put a tiny pea under thirty mattresses, she would then know if the princess was a good enough for her son, if she had felt the pea she was, if not then she would fail.”) Details focus on the main event. (“ She was very tired and decided to go to bed. She climbed up the latter, and went to bed. She could not sleep and couldn't figure out why.”)

Content & Development

This story exhibits adequate content and development. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot, setting, and believable characters. The writer also establishes a problem that holds readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Specifically, adequate detail is used to develop the main events. (“ The girls arrived at the castle. The queen introduced herself and the obstacles began. First was Princess Isabella she tried to swim upstream with sharks and failed. Princess Ella was next, she couldn't run the mile with two pounds of potatoes on her back, so she also failed.”) There is adequate information about what happened before the event. (“ Once upon a time in a far away kingdom there lived a king, queen, and there handsome son. The king and queen loved their son, and wanted him to marry a smart, beautiful women.”) Details adequately describe the story’s solution. (“ She was very tired and decided to go to bed. She climbed up the latter, and went to bed. She could not sleep and couldn't figure out why. She was so tired then it came to her something was under the mattresses so she rolled around and rolled around and rolled around some more and while she was rolling one last time she fell off and died.”)

Organization

The story demonstrates adequate organization. The writer provides an interesting opening that holds the readers’ attention. The essay generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transitions to support sequential development. The beginning includes adequate background information about the event. (“ The queen decided she was going to hold a challenge for the girls to win her son's heart, and she did. The day came and the prince was not excited.”) Events are clearly in order. (“ Time passed and passed and passed .Then all of a sudden a beautiful girl entered; the queen gave her the challenge to wrestle a bull.”) The story includes an adequate ending. (“ She was very tired and decided to go to bed. She climbed up the latter, and went to bed. She could not sleep and couldn't figure out why. She was so tired then it came to her something was under the mattresses so she rolled around and rolled around and rolled around some more and while she was rolling one last time she fell off and died.”)

Language Use & Style

The story exhibits adequate language use and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice; additionally, the writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ Time passed and passed and passed .Then all of a sudden a beautiful girl entered; the queen gave her the challenge to wrestle a bull. She did and she accomplished it.”) Exact and specific words from the research are used adequately. (“ Before dinner was over the queen ordered the servant to go put a tiny pea under thirty mattresses . . .”) However, word choices are sometimes poor and incorrect. (“ Once upon a time in a far away kingdom there lived a king, queen, and there handsome son. The king and queen loved their son, and wanted him to marry a smart, beautiful women . . . . She climbed up the latter . . . .”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story demonstrates adequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter; line breaks are used to separate paragraphs. (“ Once upon a time in a far away kingdom there lived a king, queen, and there handsome son. The king and queen loved their son, and wanted him to marry a smart, beautiful women. The queen decided she was going to hold a challenge for the girls to win her son's heart, and she did. The day came and the prince was not excited.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

Once upon a time there lived a dwarf his name was Grumpy. He lived with his five other dwarf brothers, dwarf sister, and his mother, Snow White. She was the prettiest girl in the village. The leader of the village was Queen Edna. She was determined to kill Snow White because she was jealous of her. Edna sent out a very handsome prince to try to make Snow White fall in love. Grumpy knew this because he snuck out of his house because he was so mad at his brother Doc. He just left in the middle of the night to the queen's castle. He overheard the queen talking to her evil twin daughters. She was saying how she poisoned the cake, and put a pell on the prince. She was bragging to her children about how she would soon be the prettiest girl in the village. Her daughters stared at her in awe.

He snuck back into his cottage and went to bed. When he woke up the next morning Snow White was gone. Doc pointed out that she was breathing.

Grumpy threw her over her shoulder and ran back to the cottage, followed by his brothers when they got into the house she woke up. She thanked them for saving her life because the evil prince was going to kill her before she woke up. Grumpy was just in time to save the day and they lived happily ever after.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story demonstrates limited focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Also, the writer provides description and details that may not be relevant to the story. Specifically, in the beginning, the supporting events in the story are limited. (“ Once upon a time there lived a dwarf his name was Grumpy. He lived with his five other dwarf brothers, dwarf sister, and his mother, Snow White. She was the prettiest girl in the village. The leader of the village was Queen Edna. ”) Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“ Grumpy knew this because he snuck out of his house because he was so mad at his brother Doc. He just left in the middle of the night to the queen's castle. He overheard the queen talking to her evil twin daughters. She was saying how she poisoned the cake, and put a pell on the prince. ”) The audience for the story is not always clear. (“ Grumpy threw her over her shoulder and ran back to the cottage, followed by his brothers when they got into the house she woke up. She thanked them for saving her life because the evil prince was going to kill her before she woke up. ”)

Content & Development

The story demonstrates limited content and development. A dequately developed plot, setting, and characters may be provided, but the composition lacks sufficient detail to make it more than a summary of what happens in the story. Tension or a problem may be stated, but it is not developed. In particular, limited detail is used to develop the main events. (“He snuck back into his cottage and went to bed. When he woke up the next morning Snow White was gone. Doc pointed out that she was breathing.”) The characters are developed in only limited detail. (“The leader of the village was Queen Edna. She was determined to kill Snow White because she was jealous of her. Edna sent out a very handsome prince to try to make Snow White fall in love.”) There is limited development about what happened before the event. (“Once upon a time there lived a dwarf his name was Grumpy. He lived with his five other dwarf brothers, dwarf sister, and his mother, Snow White. She was the prettiest girl in the village.”)

Organization

The story demonstrates limited organization. The writer provides an adequate opening that may not hold readers’ attention. The flow of the story is broken by gaps in time and sequence, and transitions are weak. The story may or may not provide its readers with some sense of closure. In particular, the beginning includes only limited background information about the event. (“ Once upon a time there lived a dwarf his name was Grumpy. He lived with his five other dwarf brothers, dwarf sister, and his mother, Snow White. She was the prettiest girl in the village. The leader of the village was Queen Edna. She was determined to kill Snow White because she was jealous of her.”) Events are sometimes not clearly in order. (“ He snuck back into his cottage and went to bed. When he woke up the next morning Snow White was gone. Doc pointed out that she was breathing.”) The story demonstrates a limited ending. (“ Grumpy threw her over her shoulder and ran back to the cottage, followed by his brothers when they got into the house she woke up. She thanked them for saving her life because the evil prince was going to kill her before she woke up. Grumpy was just in time to save the day and they lived happily ever after.”)

Language Use & Style

The story exhibits limited language use and style. The writer demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and relies on simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety. There are run-on portions in the story. (“ Grumpy threw her over her shoulder and ran back to the cottage, followed by his brothers when they got into the house she woke up.”) Exact words are missing. (“ He overheard the queen talking to her evil twin daughters. She was saying how she poisoned the cake, and put a pell on the prince.”) The style is repetitious. (“ Grumpy threw her over her shoulder and ran back to the cottage, followed by his brothers when they got into the house she woke up. She thanked them for saving her life because the evil prince was going to kill her before she woke up.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This story demonstrates limited control of conventions and mechanics. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. For example, each sentence should contain a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter. (“Grumpy threw her over her shoulder and ran back to the cottage, followed by his brothers when they got into the house she woke up. She thanked them for saving her life because the evil prince was going to kill her before she woke up. Grumpy was just in time to save the day and they lived happily ever after.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Story

One beautiful night Prince Jason was sitting on top of the castle when huge clouds appeared in the sky!Then it started to rain. Rain turned into hail and it started to thunder and lightening! Prince Jason tried to go in the castle but it had been destoyed. So he ran to another castle and begged to come in.

The queen let him in and introduced him to the princess.She said that he could sleep there for the night. He thanked her and went to bed. His bed was pieled with mattreses. He climbed up and went to bed. when he awoke he told the queen he slept horribie!and then she said you're a real prince! And he married the princess and became King!!!!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This story exhibits minimal focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer may also provide description and details that may stray from the point of the story. The story only minimally states the main event of the story. (“Rain turned into hail and it started to thunder and lightening! Prince Jason tried to go in the castle but it had been destoyed. So he ran to another castle and begged to come in.”) In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are stated only minimally. (“One beautiful night Prince Jason was sitting on top of the castle when huge clouds appeared in the sky!Then it started to rain.”) The audience for the story is often unclear. (“His bed was pieled with mattreses. He climbed up and went to bed. when he awoke he told the queen he slept horribie!and then she said you're a real prince! And he married the princess and became King!!!!”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates minimal content and development. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include information or details that detract from the story. The composition lacks tension or conflict to make the story interesting, and no dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts. Minimal detail is used to develop the main events. (“The queen let him in and introduced him to the princess.She said that he could sleep there for the night. He thanked her and went to bed. His bed was pieled with mattreses.”) There is little important information about what happened before the event. (“One beautiful night Prince Jason was sitting on top of the castle when huge clouds appeared in the sky!Then it started to rain. Rain turned into hail and it started to thunder and lightening! Prince Jason tried to go in the castle but it had been destoyed. So he ran to another castle and begged to come in.”) The plot is only minimally developed. (“He climbed up and went to bed. when he awoke he told the queen he slept horribie!and then she said you're a real prince! And he married the princess and became King!!!!”)

Organization

The story exhibits minimal organization. The flow of story may be difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. The narrative demonstrates little evidence of an ending. Specifically, the story does not effectively grab readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ One beautiful night Prince Jason was sitting on top of the castle when huge clouds appeared in the sky!Then it started to rain.”) Events are often not clearly in order. (“ The queen let him in and introduced him to the princess.She said that he could sleep there for the night. He thanked her and went to bed. His bed was pieled with mattreses.”) The story includes only a minimal ending. (“ He climbed up and went to bed. when he awoke he told the queen he slept horribie!and then she said you're a real prince! And he married the princess and became King!!!!”)

Language Use & Style

The story demonstrates minimal language use and style. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience; also, the writer makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. For example, the lengths of the sentences are short. (“ His bed was pieled with mattreses. He climbed up and went to bed. when he awoke he told the queen he slept horribie!”) Exact words are missing. (“ His bed was pieled with mattreses.”) Additionally, the style is not formal. (“ He climbed up and went to bed. when he awoke he told the queen he slept horribie!and then she said you're a real prince! And he married the princess and became King!!!!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story demonstrates minimal control of conventions and mechanics. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. For example, each sentence should contain a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter. (“The queen let him in and introduced him to the princess.She said that he could sleep there for the night. He thanked her and went to bed. His bed was pieled with mattreses. He climbed up and went to bed. when he awoke he told the queen he slept horribie!and then she said you're a real prince! And he married the princess and became King!!!!”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

This is story is about a princess. She was very nice to every body. Her only freinds were animals. This story is wonderful there is happieness and freindship. She was hiding from any sping wheels. This is how the story began. Long ago there was a new baby princess who was really cool and pretty.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This story demonstrates inadequate or no focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The story provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the plot. The story does not clearly state the main event or supporting events, and the audience for the story is unclear. (“What This is story is about a princess. She was very nice to every body. Her only freinds were animals. This story is wonderful there is happieness and freindship. She was hiding from any sping wheels. This is how the story began. Long ago there was a new baby princess who was really cool and pretty.”)

Content & Development

This story demonstrates inadequate or no content and development. The story lacks an identifiable plot and setting. Characters are introduced but not developed, and lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow. The setting is not developed in detail, dialogue is minimally developed, and the characters are not developed in detail. (“This is story is about a princess. She was very nice to every body. Her only freinds were animals. This story is wonderful there is happieness and freindship. She was hiding from any sping wheels. This is how the story began. Long ago there was a new baby princess who was really cool and pretty.”)

Organization

The story exhibits inadequate or no organization. The story may have an opening that does no more than repeat the title of the prompt. The story also lacks basic organization (beginning, middle, and end) with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas. The beginning does not include background information about the event, e vents are not clearly in order, and the story includes an inadequate ending. (“This is story is about a princess. She was very nice to every body. Her only freinds were animals. This story is wonderful there is happieness and freindship. She was hiding from any sping wheels. This is how the story began. Long ago there was a new baby princess who was really cool and pretty.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits inadequate language use and style. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice. There is no a wareness of audience and there are major errors in sentence structure and usage. There are run-on portions in the story, exact words are missing, and the style is not formal. (“This is story is about a princess. She was very nice to every body. Her only freinds were animals. This story is wonderful there is happieness and freindship. She was hiding from any sping wheels. This is how the story began. Long ago there was a new baby princess who was really cool and pretty.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story demonstrates inadequate or no control of conventions and mechanics. There are errors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. Each sentence should contain a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter. (“This is story is about a princess. She was very nice to every body. Her only freinds were animals. This story is wonderful there is happieness and freindship. She was hiding from any sping wheels. This is how the story began. Long ago there was a new baby princess who was really cool and pretty.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Fun During a Break From School

During the year, students are given several breaks from school. Think about the times you have been out of school on these breaks. Write about a time when you had fun during a break from school.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

This summer I went to a lot of amazing places that I didn't expect to go to. It was very adventurous and intense! I went to Lagoon, Raging Waters, Boondocks, Classic skating, and Hollywood connections. This was one of the best summers I had ever had in my entire life, especially because I spent it with my family, friends, and my boyfriend.

First, we went to a theme park called Lagoon. I went on a lot of rides, but the best one was one called Wicked! After the rides my family and I went to the swimming pool. It was all going well until I jumped into the pool, because my ankle landed wrong when I fell in and hit the bottom of the pool. We had to go to the hospital right away to check if anything was broken because my ankle had gone purple. Turned out that my ankle had popped out of place, so I had to wear a cast for a while.

Then about a month and a half later I got my cast off and my family and I went to Raging Waters and Boondocks. Nothing interesting happened at Raging Waters. Although I did push my dad into the pool. As he fell in he pulled me in. Boondocks got very intense! Me and my dad went on the race cars. He said he was going to beat me. So we made a bet that if he won me I would buy him food but if I won him he would have to buy me food, But guess what? I won! Near the end I nearly crashed into him. Then I won in mini golf! He had to buy me food because I won in both games.

Classic Skating was even more fun because it was like a friend's night out. Crystal and I love the bounce house! My friend Kate bushed me down on the one where you have to stand on the little stool thing and make your opponent fall off, and when I fall back I bounced back up. It was fun! Then we went to the skating rink thing to skate. I fell like about five times. Then finally the DJ did snowball. There were a bunch of kids ready for it. This boy named Jay came to asked me to skate with him. That kind of went well. Not as I planned, but it went well. Soon that kid and I became best friends.

Finally, we went to Hollywood Connections. It was a blast! The bumper cars are the best. I love the balloons also. It was like a family fun night mixed with a friend's night out. My mom met all my friends including my boyfriend. That was way awkward. It went well though and I kind of shocked, but happy at the same time because my mom had liked him and said she approved him. We went home and I got the biggest surprise, my grandma whom I hadn't seen in like four or five years was in my living room. Seeing her brought tears to my eyes because she had been like my mom until she moved away.

That was how I spent my summer vacation. It was exciting and I got a chance to see things that I normally don't get to see. I hope to return real soon. So, how did you spend your summer vacation?

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning. It shows a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details that are relevant to the narrative.

The author describes the purpose of the essay early in the response. The author also hints at many of the details that will be discussed later in the narrative. (“This was one of the best summers I had ever had in my entire life, especially because I spent it with my family, friends, and my boyfriend.”) This information gives readers something to look forward to and engages readers who may be initially uninterested in the prompt.

The tone of the essay is appropriate for the audience. Informal language is rarely, if ever, used. The author’s style engages readers and helps keep their interest throughout the essay. (“Near the end I nearly crashed into him. Then I won in mini golf! He had to buy me food because I won in both games.”)

The author does not provide irrelevant details or unnecessary information. All details relate directly to the author’s vacation. (“It was exciting and I got a chance to see things that I normally don't get to see.”)

Content & Development

The essay has very effective content and development. It provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting. The author creates complex characters and establishes a clear sense of tension or a conflict or problem that heightens readers' suspense. Dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts in an effective way.

The author uses details to develop the main events of the narrative effectively. For example, the author uses clear and interesting imagery to help readers understand the narrative. (“ Turned out that my ankle had popped out of place, so I had to wear a cast for a while.”)

Small personal details help improve the credibility of the narrative. (“This boy named Jay came to asked me to skate with him. That kind of went well. Not as I planned, but it went well. Soon that kid and I became best friends.”)

The author attempts to provide an emotional connection with readers. (“Seeing her brought tears to my eyes because she had been like my mom until she moved away.”)

The setting is developed effectively with the use of details. (“First, we went to a theme park called Lagoon. I went on a lot of rides, but the best one was one called Wicked!”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates effective organization. It captures readers' attention with a clever introduction. The narrative flows smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development of ideas and events. The essay ends with a conclusion that pulls the entire narrative together.

The introduction demonstrates an effective attempt to grab readers' attention with interesting details and language. (“This summer I went to a lot of amazing places that I didn't expect to go to. It was very adventurous and intense!”)

Paragraphing is used effectively throughout the essay. Each location that the author visits is separated by a paragraph break. This helps readers to understand where events in the narrative take place.

Transitions are used throughout the essay to help readers move between various locations and activities. (“Finally, we went to Hollywood Connections. It was a blast!”)

The author does not attempt to provide a moral lesson, but the end of the essay does provide readers with a sense of closure. (“It was exciting and I got a chance to see things that I normally don't get to see. I hope to return real soon.”)

The conclusion is brief, but it effectively prompts readers to think about their own experiences. (“I hope to return real soon. So, how did you spend your summer vacation?”)

Language Use & Style

The essay makes effective use of language and style. It demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience; it uses well-structured and varied sentences.

In most cases, sentences are neither too long nor too short. The author keeps readers' attention by using well-developed sentences with interesting imagery. (“Although I did push my dad into the pool. As he fell in he pulled me in.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure that readers can thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the narrative.

A few sentences are too informal and should be rewritten to ensure they are clear to all audiences. (“ Turned out that my ankle had popped out of place, so I had to wear a cast for a while.”) Also, some sentences need to revised for proper subject-verb agreement. However, most of the content throughout the essay is clear and correct.

Some informal language is used, but it is minimal and does not impede meaning. (“I fell like about five times.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling.

Each sentence begins with a capital letter, has a subject and a verb (i.e., an action), and ends with a punctuation mark. Each paragraph is distinguished by a line break or indentation. (“ Boondocks got very intense! Me and my dad went on the race cars.”)

Errors that are present do not impede meaning. Readers can easily infer the author’s intent. (“ Turned out that my ankle had popped out of place, so I had to wear a cast for a while.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

Hi, my name is Angelle and I had a magnificent summer break! I went to Colorado and spent time with my dad Armando, grandma's, and my aunt's and uncle's. I also went to California with my mom Laura and my brother RJ. I even spent the night at my friend Nadiya's house and it was really fun. This is what I am going to talk to you about over my summer break.

First, I went to Denver Colorado and watched the Broncos play. When I got there I went swimming with with my grandma Elena and my dad Armando. I also went to a place called Lakeside with my grandma Dorthy, my cousins Josiah and Nathaniel, and my brother RJ. There's a lot of cool rides like there's a ride called The Tornado and this ride was really scary, but fun, and another one called The Go Karts. That's what I did in Denver Colorado, I had so much fun!!!

Then, I went to California with my mom Laura and my brother RJ. First we went to a beach called Paridise Cove, at first the water was cold but once you were in the water for a while you got used to it. The waves were splashing on my face, I got knocked down a couple of times but it was so much fun! Then out of nowhere my mom said "Let's go to Sea World guys!"

So we went. It was so much fun. I got to swim with the dolphins , and feed them too! Then we went back to our hotel and took a little nap and then we went out to dinner and it was a nice dinner too. I would like to have had some desert too, but I was way too full. That's what I did in California with my family!

After that I spent the night at my friend Nadiya's house. It was for her birthday so when everybody left it was jusy her, her step sister. Then we had a balloon fight at night. It was a lot of fun. After that we ate candy and watched T.V. Then, we woke up really late because we stayed up really late. That's what I did at my friend Nadiya"s house.

So now you know why my summer break was magnificent. I went to Colorado. I also went to California. I even spent the night at my friend Nadiya's house. I had the best summer break ever with my family and friends!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has good focus and meaning. It demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details that are relevant to the narrative.

The essay states the main event effectively. While the introduction is not very creative, it does successfully grab readers' attention. (“Hi, my name is Angelle and I had a magnificent summer break!”)

The author provides some background information to introduce the topic to readers unfamiliar with the prompt. (“This is what I am going to talk to you about over my summer break.”)

The events in the narrative are consistent with the prompt. There is little or no irrelevant information. In addition, the author maintains a tone appropriate for the audience. Overly informal language is kept to a minimum. (“There's a lot of cool rides like there's a ride called The Tornado and this ride was really scary, but fun, and another one called The Go Karts.”)

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. The author provides a well-developed plot and setting as well as believable characters. Dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts in an effective way.

The author uses several main ideas to develop the narrative. (“After that I spent the night at my friend Nadiya's house.”)

Detail is used to develop the main events of the narrative effectively. (“Then we had a balloon fight at night. It was a lot of fun.”)

The author does not attempt to provide a point of tension or conflict, but setbacks are used somewhat effectively to help the author connect with readers. (“I would like to have had some desert too, but I was way too full.”)

Sensory details help to improve the quality of the response and draw in readers. (“Then we went back to our hotel and took a little nap and then we went out to dinner and it was a nice dinner too.”)

Essays at this level should have about three or four main ideas with several supporting details for each idea.

Organization

The essay has good organization. The opening paragraph entices readers to continue reading. The narrative flows smoothly from one event to the next with effective transitions that support sequential development. The essay's conclusion provides readers with a sense of closure.

T he introduction is not particularly creative, but it does provide adequate background information for readers unfamiliar with the prompt. This helps to draw in readers and keep their attention. (“ I went to Colorado and spent time with my dad Armando, grandma's, and my aunt's and uncle's.”)

Transitions are used effectively to make the introduction more fluid, summarizing many of the ideas to be discussed later in the essay. (“ I also went to California with my mom Laura and my brother RJ.”)

Paragraphing is used throughout the essay, usually denoting a change in setting. (“ After that I spent the night at my friend Nadiya's house.”)

Finally, the author provides a strong conclusion which helps summarize the main ideas of the essay and provides a sense of closure for readers. (“So now you know why my summer break was magnificent. I went to Colorado. I also went to California. I even spent the night at my friend Nadiya's house. I had the best summer break ever with my family and friends!”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has good language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, with a clear sense of audience and some evidence of voice; the essay also uses well-structured sentences with some variety .

The language and tone are consistent. The author’s tone remains excited and joyous throughout the narrative, which gives the essay a light-hearted and enjoyable tone. (“ Then we had a balloon fight at night. It was a lot of fun. After that we ate candy and watched T.V.”)

There are few, if any, fragmented sentences. Word choice is consistent with a light-hearted narrative about a summer vacation. (“ Then out of nowhere my mom said ‘Let's go to Sea World guys!’”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates good control of conventions and mechanics. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling; the few errors that are present do not interfere with the communication of the author's message. (“First we went to a beach called Paridise Cove, at first the water was cold but once you were in the water for a while you got used to it.”)

Most sentences begin with a capital letter, have a subject and a verb, and end with a punctuation mark. Most paragraphs are distinguished by a line break and indentation. (“ I also went to a place called Lakeside with my grandma Dorthy, my cousins Josiah and Nathaniel, and my brother RJ.”)

There are some noticeable typos and spelling errors, but the mistakes present do not interfere with meaning and have only a minimal effect on the author’s credibility. (“It was for her birthday so when everybody left it was jusy her, her step sister,“)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

It was December 2011 and it ends at January 2012. It was 3:00 pm at school bell rang and I was so excited. I ran home as fast as possible. I was about to witness the best winter break in my life.

The next day it was Christmas! Boy was I excited. I got exactly what I wanted. I got a snuggy and it was soft. I also got a case for my slot car, a remote control toy car. I played for a little bit and watched a bit of TV too.

Next I had a sleepover with my friend Josh. He is easily my best friend. We played video games all night. We had ice cream. We stayed up all night until sunrise. I was tired the next day. We had lots of fun.

Next on January 15, 2012 it was my birthday. We went to my favorite restaurant, kesho. We had lots of fun. The next day it was time to say bi to my friend. We had lots and lots of fun.

The next day it was time for school. I went to school and it was fun playing with my friend and having my birthday and having the best holiday of the year. I think that this really was the best winter break ever. I hope it was yours to.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details that are relevant to the story.

The essay states the main event adequately. It also provides readers with a somewhat creative introduction by setting the story at the end of the school day. (“It was 3:00 pm at school bell rang and I was so excited. I ran home as fast as possible. I was about to witness the best winter break in my life.”)

The events in the narrative are consistent with the prompt. There is little or no off-topic information. Sometimes it is unclear how ideas work together, but most of the content is consistent with that of a narrative about a winter break. (“We went to my favorite restaurant, kesho. We had lots of fun.”)

The tone is appropriate for the audience. Overly informal language is not present. (“Next I had a sleepover with my friend Josh. He is easily my best friend.”)

Content & Development

The essay demonstrates adequate content and development. It provides a reasonably developed plot and setting with believable characters. It may establish a sense of tension or a conflict or problem that creates suspense for readers. Dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

The essay provides several main points of interest about the author's winter break, with additional details to support them. (“We went to my favorite restaurant, kesho. We had lots of fun.”)

Ideally, the author should attempt to include more dialogue. Dialogue helps draw readers into the story and provides characterization, though the use of dialogue is not essential to receive a good score.

The author does not attempt to provide much dramatic detail. However, some minor setbacks and regrets are discussed. (“We stayed up all night until sunrise. I was tired the next day.”) The prompt does not require the author to include examples of conflict, setbacks, or dramatic action, but they do improve the quality of the response and help keep readers' attention.

Organization

The essay has adequate organization. It provides an interesting introduction that keeps readers engaged in the narrative. The essay generally flows smoothly from one event to the next with transitions to support sequential development.

The beginning of the essay demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab readers' attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ It was December 2011 and it ends at January 2012. It was 3:00 pm at school bell rang and I was so excited.”)

The introduction ends with a clear indication of the purpose of the narrative. (“I ran home as fast as possible. I was about to witness the best winter break in my life.”)

The author uses transitions adequately, although they are somewhat repetitive. (“ The next day it was Christmas!”)

Paragraphing is used consistently to distinguish the time and location of events. (“ Next on January 15, 2012 it was my birthday.”)

Finally, the author includes an adequate conclusion which gives readers a sense of closure. (“I think that this really was the best winter break ever. I hope it was yours to.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has adequate language use and style. The author demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, awareness of audience, and control of voice; also, the author generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied for an elementary-level narrative, but lengthier sentences would improve the essay. (“ I was tired the next day. We had lots of fun.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor. Occasionally, the narrative may include some fragmented sentences, but readers can still infer the author’s intent. (“ Boy was I excited. I got exactly what I wanted. I got a snuggy and it was soft.”)

There is some repetition in the language used. The essay needs more varied transitions. (“ The next day it was time for school. I went to school and it was fun playing with my friend and having my birthday and having the best holiday of the year.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates adequate control of conventions and mechanics. It has some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the author's message. (“ Boy was I excited.”)

All sentences have a subject and a verb, and punctuation is generally correct. Most or all sentences end with a punctuation mark. Errors that are present are minor and do not interfere with the author’s message. (“Next I had a sleepover with my friend Josh. He is easily my best friend.”)

Most sentences have appropriate capitalization and spelling. Mistakes that are present do not impede meaning. (“ We went to my favorite restaurant, kesho.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

Hey! I'm Michael and I'm here to tell you what I did over the summer. What has 4-wheels and is not motorized? If you said skateboard your right. I did some skateboarding in Tallahassee. Guess what! I learned how to ollie. The next thing I did was go swimming alot I repeat alot.

We went swimming in public pools in it was a golf ball. We also went in neighbors pools, and the beach. Last but not lease I went to. Wait for it wait for it. Tah-dah! I went to Miami! I saw tall buildings,fast trains,incredable humgongis malls like 4or5 stories high.

I saw a man roller bladeing, I went to my friend Gioni's house,and got frozen yougurt! I had a wild time in Miami. Oh I almost forgot I saw Miami Heat stadiam and got a LeBrone James t-shirt.

All in all I had a great time in Miami,skateboarding,and going swimming. I love summer vacation!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details that may not be relevant to the narrative.

The essay states the main event. (“I'm Michael and I'm here to tell you what I did o ver the summer.”)

The author attempts to provide a somewhat creative and engaging introduction. (“ What has 4-wheels and is not motorized? If you said skateboard your right.”)

The events in the narrative are not always consistent with the prompt. However, there is little or no off-topic information.

While a light-hearted tone is appropriate for this prompt, the sentence structure is still too informal. The author should remove language that prompts readers to guess or wait for necessary information. (“Last but not lease I went to. Wait for it wait for it. Tah-dah! I went to Miami!”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. The author provides an adequately developed plot, setting, and characters, but the essay lacks sufficient detail to make the narrative more than a simple summary. The tension, conflict, or problem may be stated, but not developed.

Limited detail is used to develop the main events of the narrative. (“Tah-dah! I went to Miami!”)

The setting is developed in limited detail. (“I saw tall buildings,fast trains,incredable humgongis malls like 4or5 stories high.”)

There is no attempt to introduce conflict, dialogue, or characterization in the narrative. The essay is merely a retelling of mostly uninteresting events. Characters are introduced but not developed. (“I saw a man roller bladeing. I went to my friend Gioni's house,and got frozen yougurt!”)

Organization

The essay has limited organization. It provides an adequate opening that may not hold readers' attention. The flow of the narrative may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Its transitions may be weak. However, the essay does provide readers with some sense of closure.

Paragraphing is used to some effect. Ideas and places are distinguished somewhat consistently, but there may be some confusion for readers . (“We went swimming in public pools in it was a golf ball.”)

The introduction demonstrates a limited attempt to grab readers' attention, but it is not very creative or interesting. (“ Hey! I'm Michael and I'm here to tell you what I did over the summer”)

The essay includes few or no transitions. (“ All in all I had a great time in Miami,skateboarding,and going swimming.”)

The conclusion is brief. It does not summarize any of the ideas presented. It only provides readers with a limited sense of closure. (“ All in all I had a great time in Miami,skateboarding,and going swimming. I love summer vacation!”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has limited language use and style. It demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice and some awareness of audience and control of voice; it relies on sim ple sentences with insufficient s entence variety and word choice.

There are run-on sentences in the narrative. Sentence lengths are short, and some sentences are fragmented. Such problems are severe enough that they may impede meaning. (“ The next thing I did was go swimming alot I repeat alot.”)

There is repetition both in the ideas presented and in the author's word choice. (“ I went to Miami! I saw tall buildings.”)

While the author does have a strong and engaging voice, the style is often too informal for the audience. (“The next thing I did was go swimming alot I repeat alot.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has limited control of conventions and mechanics. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the author's message.

The author should make sure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, has a subject and a verb (i.e., an action), and ends with a punctuation mark. New paragraphs should be indented.

Some sentences lack proper punctuation, like periods. (“The next thing I did was go swimming alot I repeat alot.”)

In some sentences, the errors are so severe that they significantly damage the author’s credibility and impede meaning. (“I saw tall buildings,fast trains,incredable humgongis malls like 4or5 stories high.”)

The author should access MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Story

Hi my name is Marc and I’m 10 years old. my vacation was fun we went to my uncles house we spent a night and my brother and I played Basketball, Football pool we ate pizza got on the computer.

We celabrated my BirthDay but I got a chance to see every one have a grate time the only thing that could have made happier was to see my dad but he was at work he gave me a gift I did not care. I wontted to see him I locked myself in the room mad I just wont to see my family together again. then we went to bed. The next day we woke up I brushed my teeth and washed my face we went to church I sung songs. that my favorit part.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. It demonstra tes a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details that may stray from the point of the narrative.

The essay only minimally states the main event and supporting details. (“my vacation was fun we went to my uncles house we spent a night and my brother and I played Basketball, Football pool we ate pizza got on the computer.”)

The audience for the narrative is often not clear. Some language may be too informal for readers. Some parts of the essay do not relate to the main event. (“I wontted to see him I locked myself in the room mad I just wont to see my family together again.”)

There may be some information that is unrelated, or has only a tangential relationship, to the narrative. (“The next day we woke up I brushed my teeth and washed my face we went to church I sung songs. that my favorit part.”)

Content & Development

The essay has minimal content and development. It provides a minimally developed plot and setting; characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the main events. The author needs to provide more tension or conflict to make the narrative interesting and engaging for readers. The author could also use dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts.

There is very little background information or other details that explain the purpose of the narrative. (“my vacation was fun we went to my uncles house we spent a night and my brother and I played Basketball, Football pool we ate pizza got on the computer.”)

Dialogue and characterization is completely absent. However, there are some hints about the author’s internal conflict. Additional details about these issues would have improved the essay. (“I wontted to see him I locked myself in the room mad I just wont to see my family together again.”)

Minimal detail is used to develop the main events of the narrative. Ideas presented are often difficult to understand. (“We celabrated my BirthDay but I got a chance to see every one have a grate time the only thing that could have made happier was to see my dad but he was at work he gave me a gift I did not care.”)

Details about the main event (such as who, what, when, why, or how) are minimally developed. There is no sensory information or dialogue to help provide readers with a strong sense of setting or characterization. (“The next day we woke up I brushed my teeth and washed my face we went to church I sung songs.”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. It provides an opening that may repeat the title of the prompt. The flow of the narrative may be difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. There is little evidence of a conclusion.

The opening paragraph only minimally grabs readers' attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ Hi my name is Marc and I’m 10 years old.”)

Events often lack a clear order. (“ I wontted to see him I locked myself in the room mad I just wont to see my family together again. then we went to bed.”)

There are no transitions. There is little or no evidence of a conclusion. (“ that my favorit part.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has minimal language use and style. It demonstrates poor language and word choice, with little awareness of audience. There are basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on sentences in the essay. (“I wontted to see him I locked myself in the room mad I just wont to see my family together again.”)

Sentence lengths are often too short or too long. (“ that my favorit part.”)

The style is consistently informal and does not address the audience in an appropriate manner.

Language problems are so serious that they often interfere with the author’s message and damage the author's credibility. (“ We celabrated my BirthDay but I got a chance to see every one have a grate time the only thing that could have made happier was to see my dad but he was at work he gave me a gift I did not care.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has minimal control of conventions and mechanics. Errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the author's message.

The author needs to make sure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, has a subject and a verb, and ends with a punctuation mark. New paragraphs should be indented.

The author should access MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

5,4,3,2,1, SCHOOLS OUT AND TIME FOR SPRING BREAK. mny kids lie about how their spring break but i promise not to tell a lie,but heres how i spent it. just sitting around and reading.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate focus and meaning. It demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, or task. The author provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the prompt.

The narrative has only one event. (“just sitting around and reading.”)

The tone is not sufficiently formal. The author's countdown to spring break is not well-executed. (“5,4,3,2,1, SCHOOLS OUT AND TIME FOR SPRING BREAK.”)

There is an attempt to address readers in an interesting way. (“mny kids lie about how their spring break but i promise not to tell a lie,but heres how i spent it.”)

Essays at this level may have completely irrelevant or off-topic information, but most are simply too brief to provide much detail.

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate content and development. It lacks an identifiable plot and setting. Characters are introduced but not developed. There is a lack of tension or conflict that makes the story uninteresting and hard to follow.

There is little attempt to provide readers with background information. Some of the information provided makes little or no sense. (“5,4,3,2,1, SCHOOLS OUT AND TIME FOR SPRING BREAK.”)

There is no detail used to develop the main events of the narrative. The author could have easily discussed what he/she was reading or what effect it had on him/her, but there is no such detail provided. (“just sitting around and reading.”)

In addition, the essay lacks sensory information or dialogue to make the story interesting for readers.

Organization

The essay has inadequate organization. There is little or no attempt to distinguish ideas.

The author attempts to be creative with a countdown in the introduction, but it is implemented in a confusing way. Some readers may not understand the author’s intent. (“5,4,3,2,1, SCHOOLS OUT AND TIME FOR SPRING BREAK.”)

There is no use of paragraphing or transitions to help readers move between ideas.

There is no conclusion.

Language Use & Style

The essay has inadequate language use and style. It demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on sentences in the essay. (“mny kids lie about how their spring break but i promise not to tell a lie,but heres how i spent it.”)

The author should use more varied and appropriate transitions.

The style is often informal.

Errors in language use are often severe enough to seriously damage the author’s credibility. (“mny kids lie about how their spring break but i promise not to tell a lie,but heres how i spent it.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has inadequate or no control of conventions and mechanics. Errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are so severe that they significantly impede the communication of the author's message.

The author needs to make sure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, has a subject and a verb, and ends with a punctuation mark. New paragraphs should be indented. (“ mny kids lie about how their spring break but i promise not to tell a lie,but heres how i spent it. ”)

Errors in mechanics and conventions are often serious enough to seriously damage the author’s credibility.

The author should access MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Greek Mythological Figure for a Day

A unit on Greek Mythology would include various Greek mythological figures, such as Zeus, Aphrodite, Apollo, Athena, Hades, and Cronus. Think about the unique characteristics of the Greek mythological figures, such as their personalities, their symbols, and what they represent. Do any of them remind you of yourself? If you could be any Greek mythological figure for a day, which one would you choose and why?

In a detailed essay, explain why you chose this particular Greek mythological figure, including what you like about him or her.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"The Unseen One," "The Invisible One," "grim and fearsome," "cruel and unpitying," "fierce and inexorable," a name mortals refused to utter; Hades has some terrifying attraction. I would choose to be Hades for a day, precisely because it would be only one day, during which I could be someone so unlike myself. I would have great wealth, the power to be invisible, and get a view of the afterlife, knowing that I could still return to earth. To be Hades' more positive side, a fair and just god, with the awesome responsibility of helping those who died transition into death, would also be interesting to try on for a day.

Hades' fearsome, dark and morbid personality led him to be comfortable in the Underworld, preferring it to the earth or even Mount Olympus where he rarely went, but he was not evil or unfair. Like Hades, I enjoy time to myself, alone, and not distracted. I respect how seriously Hades took his job of keeping the balance between the worlds of the living and the dead. While fearsome and without mercy, ironically Hades was not evil, as he was seen as the most fair and just of the gods, and tried to fit the right punishment to the crime and was creative in doing it. Hades came up with the famous punishment of Sisyphus, who had to push a heavy rock to the top of a mountain, at which point it would roll back down and he'd have to start all over again. I think I would enjoy, for one day, coming up with creative punishments for crimes.

Hades was also a god of great wealth and power - contained in the riches of the earth and his magical helmet. Hades' invisibility helmet, which he is usually shown wearing, called "The Helm of Darkness," was gifted to him by the Cyclopes. When I think about what super power I'd like to have, the first one that pops into my head is always invisibility! I could play pranks on people, go places without anyone knowing, or even spy on people.

While immense wealth and invisibility are things that would make me want to be Hades for a day, it is also his role as "Good Counselor" to those who have died which draws me to him. By being Hades, I would emerge from the Underworld admiring the god who helped people make the awful transition from life to death and, in turn, I think I would be more appreciative of my own life. It was part of Hades' job to show the spirits of dead people that a life lived more internally, without the distractions of the outside world, could be a good one, and that there are riches in our inner voices and in the quiet. I feel like I already appreciate that, and that I'm more internally focused than some other kids.

Of all the Greek gods I could choose to be for a day, Hades seems like the unlikeliest choice. After all, he is the god most disliked by mortals' and immortals alike. It might seem strange to be the only god who didn't live on Olympus, and who lorded over the dead. Yet, Hades was the only god with an invisibility helmet and immense riches, and I can imagine the other gods would be extremely jealous of him. Hades also had an immense responsibility as a god, helping the dead transition into the afterlife. I could terrorize mortals for the last time as I rode out of the underworld on my fearsome black chariot, my eyes burning into them underneath The Helm of Darkness. Then, as the portal to the Underworld closed, I would return to my regular, mortal life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience. He/she effectively completes all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task . Notably, the writer leaves readers with a clear picture of why he/she chose Hades as a Greek mythological figure.

The essay's introduction grabs the readers' attention by very effectively using different adjectives that describe Hades. (" 'The Unseen One,' 'The Invisible One,' 'grim and fearsome,' 'cruel and unpitying,' 'fierce and inexorable, ' a name mortals refused to utter; Hades has some terrifying attraction. ")

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. (" Hades was also a god of great wealth and power - contained in the riches of the earth and his magical helmet. Hades' invisibility helmet, which he is usually shown wearing, called 'The Helm of Darkness,' was gifted to him by the Cyclopes. When I think about what super power I'd like to have, the first one that pops into my head is always invisibility! I could play pranks on people, go places without anyone knowing, or even spy on people. ")

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (" I would choose to be Hades for a day, precisely because it would be only one day, during which I could be someone so unlike myself. I would have great wealth, the power to be invisible, and get a view of the afterlife, knowing that I could still return to earth. To be Hades' more positive side, a fair and just god, with the awesome responsibility of helping those who died transition into death, would also be interesting to try on for a day. ")

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully, using a wide variety of appropriate details for support.

Relevant points effectively explain and illustrate why the writer chose the Greek mythological figure, Hades. (" While immense wealth and invisibility are things that would make me want to be Hades for a day, it is also his role as 'Good Counselor' to those who have died which draws me to him. By being Hades, I would emerge from the Underworld admiring the god who helped people make the awful transition from life to death and, in turn, I think I would be more appreciative of my own life. It was part of Hades' job to show the spirits of dead people that a life lived more internally, without the distractions of the outside world, could be a good one, and that there are riches in our inner voices and in the quiet. I feel like I already appreciate that, and that I'm more internally focused than some other kids. ")

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (" While fearsome and without mercy, ironically Hades was not evil, as he was seen as the most fair and just of the gods, and tried to fit the right punishment to the crime and was creative in doing it. Hades came up with the famous punishment of Sisyphus, who had to push a heavy rock to the top of a mountain, at which point it would roll back down and he'd have to start all over again. I think I would enjoy, for one day, coming up with creative punishments for crimes. ")

Specific information about the similarities between Hades and the writer is developed very effectively. (" Hades' fearsome, dark and morbid personality led him to be comfortable in the Underworld, preferring it to the earth or even Mount Olympus where he rarely went, but he was not evil or unfair. Like Hades, I enjoy time to myself, alone, and not distracted. ")

Organization

The organization is very effective. The essay demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. There is effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout the essay.

The writer effectively grabs readers' attention in the introduction by describing the many characteristics of Hades. ("'The Unseen One,' 'The Invisible One,' 'grim and fearsome,' 'cruel and unpitying,' 'fierce and inexorable,' a name mortals refused to utter; Hades has some terrifying attraction. I would choose to be Hades for a day, precisely because it would be only one day, during which I could be someone so unlike myself. I would have great wealth, the power to be invisible, and get a view of the afterlife, knowing that I could still return to earth. To be Hades' more positive side, a fair and just god, with the awesome responsibility of helping those who died transition into death, would also be interesting to try on for a day.")

Transitions are used effectively to connect ideas between paragraphs. (" While immense wealth and invisibility are things that would make me want to be Hades for a day, it is also his role as 'Good Counselor' to those who have died which draws me to him. By being Hades, I would emerge from the Underworld admiring the god who helped people make the awful transition from life to death and, in turn, I think I would be more appreciative of my own life. ")

The writer includes an ending that explains his/her reason for choosing Hades and provides readers with a sense of closure. (" Of all the Greek gods I could choose to be for a day, Hades seems like the unlikeliest choice. After all, he is the god most disliked by mortals' and immortals alike. It might seem strange to be the only god who didn't live on Olympus, and who lorded over the dead. Yet, Hades was the only god with an invisibility helmet and immense riches, and I can imagine the other gods would be extremely jealous of him. Hades also had an immense responsibility as a god, helping the dead transition into the afterlife. I could terrorize mortals for the last time as I rode out of the underworld on my fearsome black chariot, my eyes burning into them underneath The Helm of Darkness. Then, as the portal to the Underworld closed, I would return to my regular, mortal life. ")

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is very effective. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choices, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the effectiveness of the writer's response.

The writer chooses descriptive words to effectively describe the Greek mythological figure, Hades. (" Hades' fearsome, dark and morbid personality led him to be comfortable in the Underworld, preferring it to the earth or even Mount Olympus where he rarely went, but he was not evil or unfair. ")

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (" Hades was also a god of great wealth and power - contained in the riches of the earth and his magical helmet. Hades' invisibility helmet, which he is usually shown wearing, called 'The Helm of Darkness,' was gifted to him by the Cyclopes. When I think about what super power I'd like to have, the first one that pops into my head is always invisibility! I could play pranks on people, go places without anyone knowing, or even spy on people. ")

The writer demonstrates use of strong voice throughout the response. (" While immense wealth and invisibility are things that would make me want to be Hades for a day, it is also his role as 'Good Counselor' to those who have died which draws me to him. By being Hades, I would emerge from the Underworld admiring the god who helped people make the awful transition from life to death and, in turn, I think I would be more appreciative of my own life. It was part of Hades' job to show the spirits of dead people that a life lived more internally, without the distractions of the outside world, could be a good one, and that there are riches in our inner voices and in the quiet. I feel like I already appreciate that, and that I'm more internally focused than some other kids. ")

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and words are spelled correctly. (" After all, he is the god most disliked by mortals' and immortals alike. It might seem strange to be the only god who didn't live on Olympus, and who lorded over the dead. Yet, Hades was the only god with an invisibility helmet and immense riches, and I can imagine the other gods would be extremely jealous of him. ")

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever heard the story of the God who helped the humans? Who even outsmarted the great leader of the Gods, Zeus? He changed the history of the humans and earth forever, and his name was Prometheus. I like the characteristics of the Greek mythological figure Prometheus and we have many similarities.

Prometheus was one of the original Gods and was around when Cronus ruled. When the great war of the Titans against the Gods happened, Prometheus sided with Zeus. Not because he liked what he was doing, but because he could see into the future that the Cronus' reign was coming to an end. After Zeus had won the war he was angered by Prometheus because he wouldn't tell Zeus which women that he married would give birth to a son stronger than him. Later Prometheus's brother, Epimetheus, had created the Earth and the animals that inhabited it. After giving the animals so much stuff he didn't have anything left over for the humans, except the gift of curiosity. Prometheus saw that the humans needed an edge so he asked Zeus to give them the gift of fire. After Zeus declined, Prometheus was angered, so he stole it from Zeus and showed the humans how to use it to their advantage. When Zeus saw that the humans were evolving with the gift of fire he was furious with Prometheus. So, for his crimes he tied Prometheus on a mountain while being tortured by vultures eating his insides.

Prometheus and I are both alike because I believe in what is right. Because he saw that not giving the humans an edge over the animals was wrong, so he made it right. We are also both very smart because I've been getting straight A's in school. Then, Prometheus was so smart that he even outsmarted the great God, Zeus. Finally, we both care about the planet Earth because I try to recycle whenever I can to be eco-friendly and Prometheus made the humans evolve partly because he wanted them to protect the Earth.

If I could be Prometheus for a day, the first thing I'd do is use his knowledge of the past and his ability to see into the future to uncover the greatest secrets of the Earth and find out what is to come of Earth, like when it will end or if it will ever end. I would also try to go up to Olympus to see Zeus and the other Gods, and to see what their palace looks like and see what their throne looks like in person. Then the third thing I'd do as Prometheus is to travel the world so I could see all the species of animals and to learn the cultures of different people.

So, as you can see Prometheus was a very daring and intelligent God. He stood up for what was right and didn't care about what people thought of him for standing up for the humans. He took some major risks but in the end he changed the course of history and gave the humans hope and that was why I picked him.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the essay. The writer establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience. The writer satisfies most parts of the prompt task.

The essay's introduction grabs the readers' attention by asking a question. (" Have you ever heard the story of the God who helped the humans? Who even outsmarted the great leader of the Gods, Zeus? He changed the history of the humans and earth forever, and his name was Prometheus. ")

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. (" Prometheus and I are both alike because I believe in what is right. Because he saw that not giving the humans an edge over the animals was wrong, so he made it right. We are also both very smart because I've been getting straight A's in school. ")

The language of the thesis fits the examples very well. (" If I could be Prometheus for a day, the first thing I'd do is use his knowledge of the past and his ability to see into the future to uncover the greatest secrets of the Earth and find out what is to come of Earth, like when it will end or if it will ever end. I would also try to go up to Olympus to see Zeus and the other Gods, and to see what their palace looks like and see what their throne looks like in person. ")

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development of ideas. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient and appropriate details to support the writer's reasoning for choosing the Greek mythological figure, Prometheus.

The content in the body of the paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain the main idea. (" If I could be Prometheus for a day, the first thing I'd do is use his knowledge of the past and his ability to see into the future to uncover the greatest secrets of the Earth and find out what is to come of Earth, like when it will end or if it will ever end. I would also try to go up to Olympus to see Zeus and the other Gods, and to see what their palace looks like and see what their throne looks like in person. Then the third thing I'd do as Prometheus is to travel the world so I could see all the species of animals and to learn the cultures of different people.")

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea in the topic sentence. (" Prometheus and I are both alike because I believe in what is right. Because he saw that not giving the humans an edge over the animals was wrong, so he made it right. We are also both very smart because I've been getting straight A's in school. Then, Prometheus was so smart that he even outsmarted the great God, Zeus. Finally, we both care about the planet Earth because I try to recycle whenever I can to be eco-friendly and Prometheus made the humans evolve partly because he wanted them to protect the Earth. ")

Details explain and illustrate specific characteristics of Prometheus. (" Prometheus was one of the original Gods and was around when Cronus ruled. When the great war of the Titans against the Gods happened, Prometheus sided with Zeus. Not because he liked what he was doing, but because he could see into the future that the Cronus' reign was coming to an end. After Zeus had won the war he was angered by Prometheus because he wouldn't tell Zeus which women that he married would give birth to a son stronger than him. ")

Organization

There is good organization of ideas and events throughout the essay. The essay demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay has a n effective introduction. (" Have you ever heard the story of the God who helped the humans? Who even outsmarted the great leader of the Gods, Zeus? He changed the history of the humans and earth forever, and his name was Prometheus. I like the characteristics of the Greek mythological figure Prometheus and we have many similarities. ")

Transitions between paragraphs or sentences are used well. (" Then, Prometheus was so smart that he even outsmarted the great God, Zeus. Finally, we both care about the planet Earth because I try to recycle whenever I can to be eco-friendly and Prometheus made the humans evolve partly because he wanted them to protect the Earth. ")

The essay's conclusion provides readers with a sense of closure. (" So, as you can see Prometheus was a very daring and intelligent God. He stood up for what was right and didn't care about what people thought of him for standing up for the humans. He took some major risks but in the end he changed the course of history and gave the humans hope and that was why I picked him. ")

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good language use, voice, and style throughout the essay. He/she demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, good voice, and a clear sense of audience. Additionally, the writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety .

The language and tone are consistent in the essay. (" Prometheus saw that the humans needed an edge so he asked Zeus to give them the gift of fire. After Zeus declined, Prometheus was angered, so he stole it from Zeus and showed the humans how to use it to their advantage. When Zeus saw that the humans were evolving with the gift of fire he was furious with Prometheus. So, for his crimes he tied Prometheus on a mountain while being tortured by vultures eating his insides. ")

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (" Prometheus and I are both alike because I believe in what is right. Because he saw that not giving the humans an edge over the animals was wrong, so he made it right. We are also both very smart because I've been getting straight A's in school. Then, Prometheus was so smart that he even outsmarted the great God, Zeus. ")

The writer employs good word choices to describe Prometheus and his past experiences. (" Prometheus was one of the original Gods and was around when Cronus ruled. When the great war of the Titans against the Gods happened, Prometheus sided with Zeus. Not because he liked what he was doing, but because he could see into the future that the Cronus' reign was coming to an end. After Zeus had won the war he was angered by Prometheus because he wouldn't tell Zeus which women that he married would give birth to a son stronger than him. ")

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer's message.

The writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, has a subject and a verb, and ends with an appropriate punctuation mark; also, each paragraph should be indicated by a line break, and words should be spelled correctly. (" So, as you can see Prometheus was a very daring and intelligent God. He stood up for what was right and didn't care about what people thought of him for standing up for the humans. He took some major risks but in the end he changed the course of history and gave the humans hope and that was why I picked him. ")

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

There are many different Greek Gods in Greek mythology such as Zeus, Hades, Athena, and Demeter. Yet if I were to be a Greek god for a day, I would want to be Poseidon.

Poseidon has a wide range of skills. He is a sea god who shakes the Earth with his earthquakes and likes horses. I too have a variety of likes and skills. I am a good athlete, and excellent saxophone player, a good student, and I like cats. I enjoy the sea and water, and I love its gifts of seafood and fishing experience, much like Poseidon, who is the God of the Sea. Although I don't like to experience earthquakes, plate tectonics intrigue me for I enjoy learning about the Earth's history. Since plate tectonics are closely linked with earthquakes, I suppose that Poseidon, who creates earthquakes, is a master on the subject. I also think that Poseidon's weapon, the Trident, is an awesome tool of destruction.

Poseidon has a lot of power, and I would like to get in on some of it. Tsunamis, which are caused when Poseidon's two major powers, the sea and earthquakes, combine are extremely destructive and could rip apart an entire coastal city! Water is also dangerous for its tendency to drown people who dare to trespass on to Poseidon's territory. Water controls life too, for our bodies are 90% water, and without water to drink, we would die from dehydration. Yes, Poseidon is very powerful indeed!

If I were to be a Greek god for a day, I would be Poseidon because of his amazing powers over seas and earthquakes. I would not want to be Poseidon for more than a day though, for I would hate to have to argue with the violent Zeus and the pretty Aphrodite over godly politics. I guess it's all part of the life of a God.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains adequate focus and meaning in the essay. A controlling idea and a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task are revealed. The writer provides descriptions and details that are relevant and completes many parts of the task.

The thesis statement presents the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view of the writer adequately. (" Yet if I were to be a Greek god for a day, I would want to be Poseidon.")

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The essay is devoted to informing the readers about the Greek mythological figure, Poseidon. ("Poseidon has a lot of power, and I would like to get in on some of it. Tsunamis, which are caused when Poseidon's two major powers, the sea and earthquakes, combine are extremely destructive and could rip apart an entire coastal city!")

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. ("If I were to be a Greek god for a day, I would be Poseidon because of his amazing powers over seas and earthquakes. I would not want to be Poseidon for more than a day though, for I would hate to have to argue with the violent Zeus and the pretty Aphrodite over godly politics. I guess it's all part of the life of a God.")

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content in the essay is adequate. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support.

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. ("Poseidon has a lot of power, and I would like to get in on some of it. Tsunamis, which are caused when Poseidon's two major powers, the sea and earthquakes, combine are extremely destructive and could rip apart an entire coastal city! Water is also dangerous for its tendency to drown people who dare to trespass on to Poseidon's territory. Water controls life too, for our bodies are 90% water, and without water to drink, we would die from dehydration. Yes, Poseidon is very powerful indeed!")

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. ("Poseidon has a wide range of skills. He is a sea god who shakes the Earth with his earthquakes and likes horses. I too have a variety of likes and skills.") Providing more specific details would enhance the writer's descriptions of Poseidon and his similarities to the writer.

The writer provides anecdotal examples that are relevant. ("I enjoy the sea and water, and I love its gifts of seafood and fishing experience, much like Poseidon, who is the God of the Sea. Although I don't like to experience earthquakes, plate tectonics intrigue me for I enjoy learning about the Earth's history. Since plate tectonics are closely linked with earthquakes, I suppose that Poseidon, who creates earthquakes, is a master on the subject. I also think that Poseidon's weapon, the Trident, is an awesome tool of destruction.")

Organization

There is adequate organization in the essay. The writer provides an interesting opening to the essay that keeps readers reading. The essay generally flows smoothly from one idea to another with subtle transitions to support sequential development.

The beginning of the essay demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers' attention by providing a statement about the many Greek mythological figures. (" There are many different Greek Gods in Greek mythology such as Zeus, Hades, Athena, and Demeter. Yet if I were to be a Greek god for a day, I would want to be Poseidon. ")

Subtle transitions are used to connect ideas. (" Since plate tectonics are closely linked with earthquakes, I suppose that Poseidon, who creates earthquakes, is a master on the subject. I also think that Poseidon's weapon, the Trident, is an awesome tool of destruction.") The writer should incorporate more transitions to connect the ideas in a more meaningful way.

The writer's conclusion neglects to summarize the main points of the response and does not leave the readers with too much to think about. However, readers do acquire a sense of closure. The writer should consider enhancing the conclusion with a summary of ideas and attempt to leave the readers with something to think about. (" If I were to be a Greek god for a day, I would be Poseidon because of his amazing powers over seas and earthquakes. I would not want to be Poseidon for more than a day though, for I would hate to have to argue with the violent Zeus and the pretty Aphrodite over godly politics. I guess it's all part of the life of a God. ")

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is adequate. The writer demonstrates appropriate language use and word choice, an awareness of audience, and control of voice. There is generally correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (" Poseidon has a wide range of skills. He is a sea god who shakes the Earth with his earthquakes and likes horses. I too have a variety of likes and skills. I am a good athlete, and excellent saxophone player, a good student, and I like cats. I enjoy the sea and water, and I love its gifts of seafood and fishing experience, much like Poseidon, who is the God of the Sea. Although I don't like to experience earthquakes, plate tectonics intrigue me for I enjoy learning about the Earth's history.")

The writer's voice is adequately maintained throughout the response. He/she provides language that adequately describes Poseidon to the intended audience. (" Poseidon has a lot of power, and I would like to get in on some of it. Tsunamis, which are caused when Poseidon's two major powers, the sea and earthquakes, combine are extremely destructive and could rip apart an entire coastal city!")

The writer's word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the essay. (" Although I don't like to experience earthquakes, plate tectonics intrigue me for I enjoy learning about the Earth's history. Since plate tectonics are closely linked with earthquakes, I suppose that Poseidon, who creates earthquakes, is a master on the subject. I also think that Poseidon's weapon, the Trident, is an awesome tool of destruction. ")

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits adequate control of mechanics and conventions through most of the essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer's message.

The writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, has a subject and a verb, and ends with an appropriate punctuation mark; also, each paragraph should be indicated by a line break, and words should be spelled correctly. (" Poseidon has a lot of power, and I would like to get in on some of it. Tsunamis, which are caused when Poseidon's two major powers, the sea and earthquakes, combine are extremely destructive and could rip apart an entire coastal city!")

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

If I had to choose a Greek mythological character, I would choose Athena because she is a female and because she is strong. I consider myself a really strong person, just like her. She is also courageous.

Athena represents wisdom and justice. She also represents skill. She is a very smart and pretty goddess. I like the pretty olive leaves that she wears on her head. That is like me because I like to wear things in my hair.

Another thing that represents her is an owl. In pictures the owl is always standing by her side on her shoulder. I think owls are pretty and wise birds. The dress that she wears is also beautiful. Like me, I love to wear dresses and skirts. We both like to wear long dresses.

In conclusion, I think I is most like Athena because we both are strong. Also, we like owls and wear things in our hair. Besides we love to wear dresses. That's why I would like to be her for one day, because all the things in common.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in the essay are limited. The writer establishes a limited controlling idea and demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she provides limited descriptions and details that may not give the readers a clear understanding of the writer's message. Only some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The essay reveals the controlling idea in a very limited way. (" If I had to choose a Greek mythological character, I would choose Athena because she is a female and because she is strong.")

The writer's focus is limited. The writer focuses on the beauty of the Greek mythological figure Athena, but the description is limited at best. (" Athena represents wisdom and justice. She also represents skill. She is a very smart and pretty goddess. I like the pretty olive leaves that she wears on her head. That is like me because I like to wear things in my hair.")

The writer provides limited examples in the essay and should include more meaningful examples to illustrate why he/she chose the Greek mythological figure Athena. ("Another thing that represents her is an owl. In pictures the owl is always standing by her side on her shoulder. I think owls are pretty and wise birds. The dress that she wears is also beautiful. Like me, I love to wear dresses and skirts. We both like to wear long dresses.")

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development of ideas. The essay develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support.

The essay uses limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (" Another thing that represents her is an owl. In pictures the owl is always standing by her side on her shoulder. I think owls are pretty and wise birds. The dress that she wears is also beautiful. Like me, I love to wear dresses and skirts. We both like to wear long dresses.")

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. ("The dress that she wears is also beautiful. Like me, I love to wear dresses and skirts. We both like to wear long dresses.")

The explanations and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (" Athena represents wisdom and justice. She also represents skill. She is a very smart and pretty goddess. I like the pretty olive leaves that she wears on her head.")

Organization

There is limited organization of main ideas and supporting details in the essay. The writer demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. There is limited use of paragraphing, and the essay lacks some transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates a limited introduction. The writer discloses that he/she would choose Athena, but with limited background information and descriptive details, readers struggle to picture Athena in their minds. (" If I had to choose a Greek mythological character, I would choose Athena because she is a female and because she is strong. I consider myself a really strong person, just like her. She is also courageous.")

Stronger transitions between paragraphs and between sentences are needed to enhance the flow of the writer's ideas. (" Another thing that represents her is an owl. In pictures the owl is always standing by her side on her shoulder. I think owls are pretty and wise birds. The dress that she wears is also beautiful.")

Although the conclusion of the essay provides readers with a sense of closure, it does not summarize the main ideas or leave readers with something to think about. (" In conclusion, I think I is most like Athena because we both are strong. Also, we like owls and wear things in our hair. Besides we love to wear dresses. That's why I would like to be her for one day, because all the things in common.")

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited use of language, voice, and style. The essay reveals simple l anguage and word choice, with some awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, the word choices are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer's message.

Some sentences are short. (" Athena represents wisdom and justice. She also represents skill. She is a very smart and pretty goddess.") The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the essay more interesting to the intended audience.

Oftentimes, the writer uses the same group of words to begin sentences. (" She is also courageous. …She also represents skill. She is a very smart and pretty goddess.")

The sentences are too informal , and the word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (" Also, we like owls and wear things in our hair. Besides we love to wear dresses.")

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to live on Mount Olympus? If I was Zeus the Greek god, the king of all gods, Mount Olympus would be my home. Zeus has many qualities that I like. To be Zeus for a day would be cool. I would get to rule a world and tell people what to do and do what I want to do when I want to do it. The first thing I would not do is go to school. the reason I would not want to go to school is I would have to much to do and not enough time to go to school

My second reason I would like to be Zeus the Greek god of all gods for a day is I would have different powers like super straight and litning bolts and other stuff like that.The third reason I would like to be Zeus the Greek god of all gods is that no one cane boss me around I am the ruler of all gods so I can do what I want wen I wont.My conclusion is that's why I would like to be Zeus Greek kining of all god's.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes a vague controlling idea and demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. As a result, the writer completes few parts of the task.

The essay only minimally includes a central/controlling idea. (" Zeus has many qualities that I like. To be Zeus for a day would be cool. I would get to rule a world and tell people what to do and do what I want to do when I want to do it. The first thing I would not do is go to school. the reason I would not want to go to school is I would have to much to do and not enough time to go to school") The writer misses the opportunity to elaborate on the specific Greek mythological figure. Providing more details in the essay would create a richly textured message and a clear picture of Zeus for readers.

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give readers a true sense of the Greek mythological figure, Zeus. More details are needed to enhance the writer's message for the intended audience. ("My second reason I would like to be Zeus the Greek god of all gods for a day is I would have different powers like super straight and litning bolts and other stuff like that.")

The writer's details are minimally developed. ("The third reason I would like to be Zeus the Greek god of all gods is that no one cane boss me around I am the ruler of all gods so I can do what I want wen I wont.")

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer's thesis statement. ("If I was Zeus the Greek god, the king of all gods, Mount Olympus would be my home. Zeus has many qualities that I like. To be Zeus for a day would be cool.")

In the two-paragraph essay, the writer does not elaborate on the main ideas that are presented. (" My second reason I would like to be Zeus the Greek god of all gods for a day is I would have different powers like super straight and litning bolts and other stuff like that.The third reason I would like to be Zeus the Greek god of all gods is that no one cane boss me around I am the ruler of all gods so I can do what I want wen I wont.")

Details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. Details should include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations that give readers a clear picture of why the writer admires the Greek mythological figure, Zeus. (" To be Zeus for a day would be cool. I would get to rule a world and tell people what to do and do what I want to do when I want to do it.")

Organization

The essay's organization is minimal. The writer provides an opening that minimally reveals the purpose of the prompt task. The essay lacks effective transitional devices and paragraphing and, furthermore, demonstrates little evidence of a strong ending.

The writer attempts to grab readers' attention in the introduction. (" Have you ever wondered what it would be like to live on Mount Olympus? If I was Zeus the Greek god, the king of all gods, Mount Olympus would be my home. Zeus has many qualities that I like. ")

There is little evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (" My second reason I would like to be Zeus the Greek god of all gods for a day is I would have different powers like super straight and litning bolts and other stuff like that.The third reason I would like to be Zeus the Greek god of all gods is that no one cane boss me around I am the ruler of all gods so I can do what I want wen I wont. ")

The writer does little to include a strong conclusion. (" My conclusion is that's why I would like to be Zeus Greek kining of all god's. ")

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is minimal. The writer demonstrates simple language and word choice with little awareness of audience. The essay also displays basic errors in sentence structure, spelling, and usage.

Sentences are short and, in some cases, fragmented. (" Zeus has many qualities that I like. To be Zeus for a day would be cool.")

Exact words are missing, which can affect meaning. (" My conclusion is that's why I would like to be Zeus Greek kining of all god's.")

The writer relies on simple sentence structures and word choices. (" I would get to rule a world and tell people what to do and do what I want to do when I want to do it. The first thing I would not do is go to school. the reason I would not want to go to school is I would have to much to do and not enough time to go to school ")

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer's control of mechanics and conventions is minimal. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, which interfere with the communication of the writer's message.

The writer should make sure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, has a subject and a verb, and ends with a punctuation mark. He/she should also indicate new paragraphs with line breaks, check for the correct spelling of words, and ensure the proper usage of words within the context of sentences. ("My second reason I would like to be Zeus the Greek god of all gods for a day is I would have different powers like super straight and litning bolts and other stuff like that.The third reason I would like to be Zeus the Greek god of all gods is that no one cane boss me around I am the ruler of all gods so I can do what I want wen I wont.")

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Artemis

I am Artemiss hunting in the woods.I am the best hunter in the world .I am at a goddess use a bow and a spire.And I represent the moon and hunting.Some of my symbols are the wolf,bears and cats.

I am hunting a wolf.I am hunting for it fur.But the wolf is a moon wolf .

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. The writer establishes little or no controlling idea and demonstrates little or no understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. The writer barely completes any parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (" I am Artemiss hunting in the woods.I am the best hunter in the world .")

The writer states a central/controlling idea but does not develop it adequately through examples and descriptive details. (" I am Artemiss hunting in the woods.")

The essay's lack of specific details renders the writer's message ineffective and incomplete. ("I am Artemiss hunting in the woods.I am the best hunter in the world .I am at a goddess use a bow and a spire.And I represent the moon and hunting.Some of my symbols are the wolf,bears and cats.")

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer neglects to develop ideas, using little or no details to support why he/she chose Artemis.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. ("I am Artemiss hunting in the woods.I am the best hunter in the world .I am at a goddess use a bow and a spire.And I represent the moon and hunting.Some of my symbols are the wolf,bears and cats.")

In the essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs. The writer needs to include at least three main ideas as evidence. ("I am hunting a wolf.I am hunting for it fur.But the wolf is a moon wolf .")

Details are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Details could include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations to bring the writer's ideas to life. (" I am the best hunter in the world .I am at a goddess use a bow and a spire.And I represent the moon and hunting")

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate. The essay demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure, introduction, or conclusion; in addition, there is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay does not grab the readers' attention in the introduction. (" I am Artemiss hunting in the woods.")

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (" I am hunting a wolf.I am hunting for it fur.But the wolf is a moon wolf .")

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (" But the wolf is a moon wolf .")

Language Use & Style

The writer's language use, voice, and style are inadequate. The essay reveals unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences are short. (" I am Artemiss hunting in the woods.I am the best hunter in the world .")

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer's purpose to the intended audience. (" I am at a goddess use a bow and a spire.And I represent the moon and hunting.")

The writer relies on simple sentences and word choices. ("I am hunting a wolf.I am hunting for it fur.But the wolf is a moon wolf .")

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer's control of mechanics and conventions is inadequate. There are noticeable e rrors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, which significantly interfere with the communication of the writer's message.

The writer should make sure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, has a subject and a verb, and ends with a punctuation mark. He/she should also indicate new paragraphs with line breaks, check for the correct spelling of words, and ensure the proper usage of words within the context of sentences. The essay is too short to evaluate many of these aspects effectively. ("I am hunting a wolf.I am hunting for it fur.But the wolf is a moon wolf .")

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

If I Had 100 Dollars

Imagine that you have $100 to use in any way that you would like. What would you do with the money and why?

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Do you like getting money? I really like getting money, and I also like spending it. I am going to write an essay about a dream I had about getting a hundred dollars. I got the money from my mom and I was really happy. Here is what I did from when my mom gave me the money to what I did with it. One thing that you should remember is that this was only a dream.

One day when I was sleeping I had a dream about getting a hundred dollars. My mom earned a hundred dollars from her work and she gave all of it to me for free. I was so happy when she gave it to me that I ran to my room and got my wallet out to see how much money I had there was nothing in it and so I only had a hundred dollars that my mom gave me to spend. I was a little grumpy too because I just realized that my mom bought me some toys and I had to pay her for it. The money I spent for the toys was about sixty dollars. That was why I did not have any money in my wallet.

The next day in my dream was a good and happy day because it was a Saturday. Every Saturday I go to the video games store to buy cool games that my friends have and like. Finally when my mom was done having a shower, we could finally go to the video games store. When my mom and I got there, I tried to pick video games that I wanted. That was a hard decision because my friends have about a hundred games that they tease me because I don't have them. I only have about thirty video games to play with. In the store their are about a hundred games, and every game is worth approximately thirty dollars. I had to calculate in my mind how many games I could buy for a hundred dollars. When I finished calculating in my mind I got the answer which was three games with ten dollars extra. With the extra ten dollars I could probably get a cheap memory card to save my game files. Then the hard part came. I had to look for three game I wanted to buy. I looked and looked at every row in the shop and finally after ten minuets I found it. The games were called, "Starwars Battlefront 2", "Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire" and," Madden Football 2." All my friends did not have any of these games and so I could brag at them at school. Then I went to the cashier to buy my games. I felt so good to get three games that my friends did not have.

After returning from the store I ran to my phone to call my friends. Once I finished telling my speech about getting the games, They got mad of me and they also hung up on me too. I was still happy though because my mom said I could play for one hour. Since I got three new games the first game I started to play was "Starwars Battlefront 2." It started of pretty boring but then it got better and better. One mission was when I was a rookie and I could fly on a plane to destroy my enemy called the Rebels. Eventually I got bored of the game and started to play my second favorite game.

It was called "Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire." Like the first one it started really boring but then it was so hard to beat that I started getting mad. The part that got me really mad was when one of the characters named Harry Potter had to capture a gigantic egg and the creature who was defending it was a large meat eating dragon. I had to sneak up behind the terrifying dragon and grab the precious egg when the time struck 4:00 I knew that forty-five minuets past I started playing my football video game.

My football video game was called "Madden Football 2. The team I played as was the Philadelphia Eagles and my opponent was the Pittsburgh Stealers. I won at the end and made three touchdowns and two interceptions. Right when I won the football game on the computer I heard a loud yell and woke up from my awesome dream. It was my mom yelling at me because I was still sleeping and the school bus was already here. I suddenly woke up and started to smile because I thought that I actually had all the games I bought in my dream.

That was my dream of getting a hundred dollars and buying four things with it. This is probably what you would have done if you had a hundred dollars. I hope someday you would get a hundred dollars and enjoy buying things with it. If it is not a dream.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the writer communicates with a very effective, engaging, and consistent focus and meaning. This author clearly demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose of the essay and properly addresses the audience and task. (“I had to calculate in my mind how many games I could buy for a hundred dollars. When I finished calculating in my mind I got the answer which was three games with ten dollars extra. With the extra ten dollars I could probably get a cheap memory card to save my game files. Then the hard part came. I had to look for three game I wanted to buy. I looked and looked at every row in the shop and finally after ten minuets I found it. The games were called, "Starwars Battlefront 2", "Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire" and," Madden Football 2." All my friends did not have any of these games and so I could brag at them at school.”) In this written work, all descriptions and details are effective and relevant to the idea of how the writer would spend one hundred dollars.

Content & Development

The content and overall development of this essay can best be described as creative, descriptive, and very effective. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed narrative about finding one hundred dollars and uses specific and artful descriptions. The essay contains characters that effectively develop the writer’s argument. This piece contains an in-depth analysis that engages the reader. (“After returning from the store I ran to my phone to call my friends. Once I finished telling my speech about getting the games, They got mad of me and they also hung up on me too. I was still happy though because my mom said I could play for one hour. Since I got three new games the first game I started to play was "Starwars Battlefront 2." It started of pretty boring but then it got better and better.”)

Organization

This essay is organized effectively. The written work engages the reader with a clever introduction, and the piece remains entertaining in the supporting and closing paragraphs. This essay flows very smoothly due to the author's use of excellent transitions that support its sequential development. (“The next day in my dream was a good and happy day because it was a Saturday. Every Saturday I go to the video games store to buy cool games that my friends have and like. Finally when my mom was done having a shower, we could finally go to the video games store. When my mom and I got there, I tried to pick video games that I wanted. That was a hard decision because my friends have about a hundred games that they tease me because I don't have them. I only have about thirty video games to play with.”)

Language Use & Style

Due to the author's use of creative language and precise word choice, this essay demonstrates a very effective use of language and style. The author cleverly describes the particular ways he or she would spend one hundred dollars. (“My football video game was called "Madden Football 2. The team I played as was the Philadelphia Eagles and my opponent was the Pittsburgh Stealers. I won at the end and made three touchdowns and two interceptions. Right when I won the football game on the computer I heard a loud yell and woke up from my awesome dream. It was my mom yelling at me because I was still sleeping and the school bus was already here.”) Throughout the essay, the writer establishes a defined v oice and a strong sense of audience. This essay contains an engaging mix of varied sentences.

Mechanics & Conventions

In this essay, the writer demonstrates a very effective control over conventions and mechanics. The written work contains f ew or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. (“That was my dream of getting a hundred dollars and buying four things with it. This is probably what you would have done if you had a hundred dollars. I hope someday you would get a hundred dollars and enjoy buying things with it.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

If I had a hundred dollars I would throw my mom a suprise party. With $20.00 dollars I would buy the goodies or treats. With $30.00 dollars I would buy the decorations. I would throw my mom a suprise party because she is the best. My mom is the best person in the world. That's why I am going to throw her a suprise party with my $100.00 dollars.

When I throw my mom a suprise party only the people who are nice to my mom are going to come to her party. Most of the other people are going to come when my mom invites them. With the other $50.00 dollars I have I will give it to my mom to go shopping with for mothers day. If I really had one hundred dollars I would take my mom to a restaurant to eat a special dinner. The reason why I am doing this is because I really love my mom and I wish I really did have $100.00 dollars to show her that I really care for her.

If my wish really comes true then I will give my mom something to show her how much I really do love her. She is the most important person to me and, I do care about my mom. This mothers day I Am going to show my mother that I care for her a lot by buying her the best mothers day gift of all. This is why I really do wish that I had one hundred dollars. Cause If I did this is what I would do.

If I really wanted to do this for my mom I would have to get allot of help from some of my friends. I really want to do this for my mom and that's why I am going to. She has the type of experience to see how much I really do care about getting the $ 100.00 dollars for her suprise party. Do I really want for this to happen yes because she would really thank me for doing this for her.

With the money that I have from the $100.00 dollars I would give It to my mom In an envelope and put It under her mattress to suprise her because she looks under her mattress ever night to get her wallet to go to the store and get some snacks. Then my mom would ask me where did the money come from? My mom would be very happy to have that much money. I would be a special girl to my mom If I really gave her $100.00 dollars because she Is the best mom and I know that because she gives me allot of things when I want them. Also that's why I'm going to give my mom all that she ask me for because she Is the one that gives me all that I want. I would really like to give my mom what she wants to have because she Is the best person In my life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the author writes with a very clear focus and meaning. The focus of the essay remains consistent throughout the opening, closing, and supporting paragraphs. (“When I throw my mom a suprise party only the people who are nice to my mom are going to come to her party. Most of the other people are going to come when my mom invites them. With the other $50.00 dollars I have I will give it to my mom to go shopping with for mothers day. If I really had one hundred dollars I would take my mom to a restaurant to eat a special dinner. The reason why I am doing this is because I really love my mom and I wish I really did have $100.00 dollars to show her that I really care for her.”) This writer demonstrates a fairly good understanding of the purpose of the task and properly addresses the audience. All of the author’s descriptions and details are relevant and stay focused on what he/she would do with one hundred dollars.

Content & Development

This essay contains creative content and is developed descriptively. The writer provides the reader with a well- developed narrative, and he/she uses specific details to enhance communication. The characters are believable and aid the writer’s argument. This essay engages the reader. (“If I really wanted to do this for my mom I would have to get allot of help from some of my friends. I really want to do this for my mom and that's why I am going to. She has the type of experience to see how much I really do care about getting the $ 100.00 dollars for her suprise party. Do I really want for this to happen yes because she would really thank me for doing this for her.”)

Organization

In this essay, the writer clearly defines his/her argument for how he/she would spend one hundred dollars. The writer establishes a cohesive, effective opening paragraph, and he/she follows it with effective supporting and closing paragraphs. (“I would be a special girl to my mom If I really gave her $100.00 dollars because she Is the best mom and I know that because she gives me allot of things when I want them. Also that's why I'm going to give my mom all that she ask me for because she Is the one that gives me all that I want. I would really like to give my mom what she wants to have because she Is the best person In my life.”) The passages of the essay flow smoothly due to good transitions that support the sequential development of the essay.

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language remains creative, artful, and appropriate. (“With the money that I have from the $100.00 dollars I would give It to my mom In an envelope and put It under her mattress to suprise her because she looks under her mattress ever night to get her wallet to go to the store and get some snacks.”) The writer establishes some evidence of v oice and a clear sense of audience. This essay showcases the use of well-structured, varied sentences.

Mechanics & Conventions

This author has good control over conventions and mechanics. The essay contains few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. These errors do not interfere with the writer’s narrative. (“ If my wish really comes true then I will give my mom something to show her how much I really do love her. She is the most important person to me and, I do care about my mom. This mothers day I Am going to show my mother that I care for her a lot by buying her the best mothers day gift of all. This is why I really do wish that I had one hundred dollars. Cause If I did this is what I would do.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Wow, I never thought I can find one hundred dollars right next to a enormous building called Bank of America. I was shocked I didn't know what to do. I decided I will buy my mom a bracelet and a necklace because she likes jewelery. I will get my dad a exercise machine because he has been working out alot. I'm going to get my older sister memory cards for her Digital camera because she loves taking pictures, and I will get my other sister a statue of her dog.

I went to go get my mom the necklace and the bracelet, I walked to a store called Daniel's Jewelery. They had beautiful rings, necklaces but no bracelets, if i find a perfect necklace it would have real diamonds .I finally found a necklace it had real diamonds plus it was shiny, and i got a ring that had a real pearl in the middle with little white diamonds in the side.

I went to a store called Big 5, there were so many machines I didn't know which one to pick. There was some that were enormous and some that were small. My dad has been working out so I decided to get a extremely good one. It was enormous it carried weights with a barbell, and it had a box with little weights.

I went to a mall called Robinsons May, there was a store inside called Digital. I found a memory card that holds two hundred pictures, and i bougt to of them for fifteen dollars. It wasn't expensive it was pretty cheap if you ask me, i decided to buy a other one because she loves taking pictures, and she has been acting pretty good to me.

Finally, I went to a store called Dog Memories, I took a picture of my sister's dog. They will make it into a BIG statue, in 3 days. It was a Thyursday that i went back to the store and there it was. It was beautiful, it was shiny and it looked exactly like the dog. It had Goofy ingraved in it's collar because Goofy was it's name.

My mom loved the naecklace and the ring, and my dad said Thank you thats what he has wanted for a long time. My sister gave me kisses all around my face just because I got her memory cards and my other sister started to cry because she rememmbered the good memories.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning developed throughout this essay can best be described as adequate. The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task of the essay. The author uses relevant descriptions and details of how he/she would spend one hundred dollars, but the essay would benefit from more specific, sensory details. (“I went to go get my mom the necklace and the bracelet, I walked to a store called Daniel's Jewelery. They had beautiful rings, necklaces but no bracelets, if i find a perfect necklace it would have real diamonds .I finally found a necklace it had real diamonds plus it was shiny, and i got a ring that had a real pearl in the middle with little white diamonds in the side.”)

Content & Development

The content of this essay is fairly descriptive and clear. The writer provides a basic narrative using some specific and accurate events. The characters are believable and generally establish the writer’s argument. The essay manages to engage the reader and uses an internal dialogue to reveal the author’s thoughts. (“Wow, I never thought I can find one hundred dollars right next to a enormous building called Bank of America. I was shocked I didn't know what to do. I decided I will buy my mom a bracelet and a necklace because she likes jewelery.”)

Organization

This essay exhibits fairly clear opening, supporting, and closing paragraphs. The events in this author’s narrative generally flow due to somewhat consistent transitions that support the essay’s overall development. (“Finally, I went to a store called Dog Memories, I took a picture of my sister's dog. They will make it into a BIG statue, in 3 days. It was a Thyursday that i went back to the store and there it was. It was beautiful, it was shiny and it looked exactly like the dog. It had Goofy ingraved in it's collar because Goofy was it's name.”)

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language remains adequate and appropriate. The author does demonstrate some awareness of v oice and a sense of audience. (“I went to a store called Big 5, there were so many machines I didn't know which one to pick. There was some that were enormous and some that were small. My dad has been working out so I decided to get a extremely good one. It was enormous it carried weights with a barbell, and it had a box with little weights.”) This author uses correct, somewhat varied sentences and chooses words that generally hold the reader’s interest.

Mechanics & Conventions

This author has an adequate control over conventions and mechanics. Errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. (“My mom loved the naecklace and the ring, and my dad said Thank you thats what he has wanted for a long time. My sister gave me kisses all around my face just because I got her memory cards and my other sister started to cry because she rememmbered the good memories.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

If I had One Hundred Dollars I would spend it at Old Navy.I would only spend fifty dollars and the other in Claries,which is a lip gloss store store in Jersey Garden Mall.First I would have a shopping spree all for me.I would also but me lip gloss in every color and the thirty dollars I would buy me a pair of sneakers that are on sale.With one hundred dollars I wouldn't buy much but I would spend the money in what I need the most.My next idea if I had a hundred dollars I would buy me four tickets to Mamia,Florida and i would take my mom,dad,my brother and my best best friend of all Jamie.I would visit my grandparents and go to the beach,meet new people,or make new friends and also go shopping all around the plazas.I would go to my grandmothers pool in her backyard.

I would go swimming everyday with my friend Jaymie and have cold sodas by the pool.Then after that iI would go meet up with my cosins Lester and kathy.We would all go to the beach called Banana Beach with no waves and with very warm water.I would also go to resterants with my grandparents and have dinner or go to a fun place called Adventures Rides with alot of people and alot of people and alot of bored games.If I had one hundred dollars i would spend it in one of these ideas

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits a limited focus and meaning. The writer provides a somewhat vague, confused argument in the essay’s opening, supporting, and closing paragraphs.(“ I would also but me lip gloss in every color and the thirty dollars I would buy me a pair of sneakers that are on sale.With one hundred dollars I wouldn't buy much but I would spend the money in what I need the most.My next idea if I had a hundred dollars I would buy me four tickets to Mamia,Florida and i would take my mom,dad,my brother and my best best friend of all Jamie. ”) The author also has a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task of the essay. Descriptions and details are relevant to the author’s narrative, but the narrative itself does not focus on how the author would spend one hundred dollars.

Content & Development

This essay contains a limited amount of content related to how the author would spend one hundred dollars. The writer does an adequate job of developing the plot, setting, and chosen characters, but this essay lacks sufficient support and detail to make it more than a general summary. This author does not use dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts. (“I would go swimming everyday with my friend Jaymie and have cold sodas by the pool.Then after that iI would go meet up with my cosins Lester and kathy.We would all go to the beach called Banana Beach with no waves and with very warm water.I would also go to resterants with my grandparents and have dinner or go to a fun place called Adventures Rides with alot of people and alot of people and alot of bored games.”)

Organization

(“if I had a hundred dollars I would buy me four tickets to Mamia,Florida and i would take my mom,dad,my brother and my best best friend of all Jamie.I would visit my grandparents and go to the beach,meet new people,or make new friends and also go shopping all around the plazas.”)

Language Use & Style

This writer establishes a simple use of language and style. Throughout the essay, the writer demonstrates a limited awareness of v oice and a poor sense of audience. This author uses basic, unvaried sentences and insufficient word choice to narrate his/her story. (“I would also go to resterants with my grandparents and have dinner or go to a fun place called Adventures Rides with alot of people and alot of people and alot of bored games.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Throughout this essay, the writer demonstrates a limited control over mechanics and conventions. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. (“If I had One Hundred Dollars I would spend it at Old Navy.I would only spend fifty dollars and the other in Claries,which is a lip gloss store store in Jersey Garden Mall.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

If I Had A Hundred dollars

If I had a hundred dollars I would go to the store and buy a bunch of toys and model cars that actually run. By then I would probably only have sixty bucks. What now should I buy? Now I would go to the lava lamp section and get the coolest one. But now I probably have only fifty bucks. What now should I by? Now I go to the bike section and get the bike my size. But now I only have twenty dollars. What now should I buy now? I go to the sleeping bag section. Now I buy the one that costs twenty dollars. Now I have what I wanted and now I am happy.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of this essay demonstrate the author’s minimal understanding of the given task. The writer struggles to express how he/she would spend one hundred dollars (“If I had a hundred dollars I would go to the store and buy a bunch of toys and model cars that actually run. By then I would probably only have sixty bucks. What now should I buy? Now I would go to the lava lamp section and get the coolest one. But now I probably have only fifty bucks. What now should I by?”) and has difficulty understanding the overall purpose and audience of the task.

Content & Development

The writer establishes a minimally developed plot and setting. The author creates a limited narrative about spending one hundred dollars, but the essay lacks a sufficient amount of support and detail. (“Now I would go to the lava lamp section and get the coolest one. But now I probably have only fifty bucks. What now should I by? Now I go to the bike section and get the bike my size. But now I only have twenty dollars.”) This essay does not contain dialogue, which could have been used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Organization

In this essay, any specific information regarding how the author spends one hundred dollars is limited. Overall, this essay has little evidence of structure; the essay lacks consistent opening, supporting, and closing paragraphs. (“I go to the sleeping bag section. Now I buy the one that costs twenty dollars. Now I have what I wanted and now I am happy.”) The flow of essay may be difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. The author’s use of transitions is inconsistent, and his/her arguments remain brief, uncertain, and conflicting.

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language remains simple and limited. The author expresses how he/she would spend the money, using generic, non-descriptive words. The writer also makes basic errors in grammar and sentence structure. (“What now should I by? Now I go to the bike section and get the bike my size. But now I only have twenty dollars. What now should I buy now?”) The author demonstrates some awareness of an audience, and his/her voice is occasionally apparent.

Mechanics & Conventions

This author demonstrates a minimal control over conventions and mechanics. (“What now should I buy now? I go to the sleeping bag section. Now I buy the one that costs twenty dollars. Now I have what I wanted and now I am happy.”) The essay contains patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I was walking home from school . I found a hundred dollors bill by the walk way. I have fine a hundred dollors at school today. My mom said how did u find it .I said that it was on the walk way . My mom said that i have to go back to school and as the teacher did thy have a hundred dollors on the ground .

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in this essay are inadequate. The author maintains a confused and incomplete focus (“I found a hundred dollors bill by the walk way. I have fine a hundred dollors at school today. My mom said how did u find it.”) while writing and makes almost no attempt to discuss how he/she would spend one hundred dollars. The author also demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose and audience of the task.

Content & Development

The content of this essay is insufficient. The author’s descriptions contain no detail and do not fu l ly address the main ideas of the essay. The author introduces ideas briefly and does not develop them . (“My mom said how did u find it .I said that it was on the walk way . My mom said that i have to go back to school and as the teacher did thy have a hundred dollors on the ground.”) The writer also establishes no structured argument.

Organization

In this essay, the author includes little information regarding how he/she would spend one hund r ed dollars. The writer's descriptions are brief, lack detail, and are incomplete. (“My mom said that i have to go back to school and as the teacher did thy have a hundred dollors on the ground.”) Transitions between ideas and paragraphs are few in number, and they do not support the writer’s argument.

Language Use & Style

In this piece, the author showcases a poor use of language and style. The author makes an attempt to describe what he/she would do with 100 dollars but does so in a minimal fashion. The writer also displays little awareness of audience and voice, and he/she commits basic errors in sentence structure, word choice , and usage . (“ I was walking home from school . I found a hundred dollors bill by the walk way. I have fine a hundred dollors at school today.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Throughout this essay, the author demonstrates an inadequate control over conventions and mechanics. The writer commits severe errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the message. (“My mom said how did u find it .I said that it was on the walk way . My mom said that i have to go back to school and as the teacher did thy have a hundred dollors on the ground.”)

Influencing an American Hero

How would history have been different if Abraham Lincoln or Martin Luther King, Jr. had not spoken up for people's rights? Imagine if they had decided that it was all too risky and too hard to change the way people thought. It would have been much easier if someone from the future had been able to go back in time to encourage them to make the right decision. Imagine that you could be the one to do that. Write a story about your time-travel adventure when you went back in time to an American hero's side to encourage him or her to take a risk to secure freedom for others. Describe what you took back with you to show your hero the future consequences of his or her actions.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

It was an average school day. I was bored out of my mind until something happened that would change the way I look at things forever. It all started in my middle school English class. My teacher was giving a boring lecture about the Civil Rights Act, but I wasn't listening to a single thing. The only words I heard were "segregation" and many names like "Martin Luther King Junior" and "Abraham Lincoln." I thought about how hard it must have been for Abraham to speak to a large crowd when he gave the Gettysburg Address. I started to doze off, and soon enough, I was asleep.

What felt like two hours later, I woke up lying on the steps of a house that looked like it was made in the 1800's. I thought to myself, "How did I get here?" Suddenly, I saw a crowd of people marching down the street and carrying signs that said, "Blacks matter too!" and "Segregation is nonsense!" Acting on instinct, I quickly hid behind a large bush so I wouldn't risk getting into trouble. A few moments later, I peeked outside of the bush and realized they were gone. I sat in a large rocking chair on someone's porch and thought about how I would get home. I was really stressed and was asking myself so many unanswered questions.

While I was thinking, I heard someone's voice in the distance. I looked around and saw someone I thought I would never see. Abraham Lincoln, the man I was thinking about in my English class. He was talking to some reporters while others were snapping photos of him. Was this a dream? I was really confused. In my mind, I wanted to run right up to him and ask him so many questions and tell him about everything in the future. But, what if I told Abraham about the future and altered time? I got out of the chair and walked in another direction. Suddenly, I heard the words, "Young man. Yes, you." I turned around, thinking he was talking to another young man, but there was no one behind me. I couldn't believe that THE Abraham Lincoln, our sixteenth president, was talking to ME. "Could you fetch me a pen?" I stood there for a few seconds, in awe. But, I didn't want to look like a fool, so I did what I was told. I found a pen sitting on a side table. I ran up to him and gave him the pen. He signed a few autographs and turned in my direction and said, "I thank you my good man." "It was a pleasure," I replied. "Could I ask a few questions?" "I'm sorry, but I'm in a rush. I have to put the finishing touches on my speech I'll be giving tomorrow. You should come. I've come up with the title, 'The Gettysburg Address.' It fits it perfectly, don't you think?" At that instant, I realized where I was. Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, 1863. "I'll definitely be there," I said.

It was getting pretty late, and the sun was beginning to set. I figured that I would have to find somewhere to sleep overnight. I walked down the streets as quiet as I could, so I wouldn't disturb anyone. About an hour later, the sun had already set, and few people were still on the streets of the town, when I finally found a few bales of hay that looked comfy enough to sleep on for the night. Fortunately, I also found a large tarp sitting next to the hay bale that I used as a blanket. It wasn't the best sleep I'd had and it wasn't the worst either. The next day, I woke up and heard clacking below me and it felt like I was moving. It was then I realized that I was being pulled by a horse and heading towards a large stage. Someone must have put the hay bales in a wagon to bring them to the speech. I quickly hopped out of the wagon and hid behind the stage. Then, I saw a familiar face.

Abraham Lincoln was standing by the stage and talking to his wife, Mary Todd Lincoln. He was telling her, "I don't know if I should do this. I think it might be too risky. What if it doesn't help end racial segregation? What if the listeners start a riot? What if..." "Abe, you'll do fine. I'm confident that this speech will have a large impact on everyone who's listening." She gave him a kiss on the cheek and walked away. He sat down in a chair and was thinking. No one could know what was on his mind. He had a worried expression on his face. I knew I had to do something. I walked over to him and waved. "Why, if it isn't the young man I saw in town yesterday. I never caught your name." "Christopher. Christopher Smith," I replied. "I have to tell you something." "Yes?" I'm from the future." "That's why you have such unique attire," he said. "The point is, you have to give this speech. If you don't, racial segregation might still be allowed in the future." Suddenly, I pulled out my iPod from my pocket. I scrolled through and found a picture of my class. "What a technological device," Abraham said. "It's something that's invented in the future. Do you see that there are many races in my class and no one is separated." "I do see." "That's why you have to give this speech. Without it, schools could be separated by race and there could still be racism throughout America." Just like in your own words, "The best way to predict the future is to create it."

"Thank you for the inspiring advice, Christopher, Christopher, Christopher, CHRISTOPHER!" In an instant, I was back in my English class. "You have to give the speech!" I yelled. "What speech?" my teacher said. "Oh, never mind. Continue on your lecture. I find it most interesting." "That's a first," my teacher said. "Normally, other students find this lecture to be quite boring." "Not after the experience I had. I got to meet THE Abraham Lincoln." My classmates giggled. "I'm getting a feeling that you had a pretty good dream." "Yes ma'am," I said.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer establishes a central idea in the beginning of the story that very effectively leads to the main event. (“It all started in my middle school English class. My teacher was giving a boring lecture about the Civil Rights Act, but I wasn't listening to a single thing. The only words I heard were ‘segregation’ and many names like ‘Martin Luther King Junior’ and ‘Abraham Lincoln.’ I thought about how hard it must have been for Abraham to speak to a large crowd when he gave the Gettysburg Address. I started to doze off, and soon enough, I was asleep.”)

All of the details in the story relate to the main event. The writer succeeds in describing the circumstances of the narrator’s real or imagined time-travel adventure and the character’s subsequent experiences in Gettysburg. (“While I was thinking, I heard someone's voice in the distance. I looked around and saw someone I thought I would never see. Abraham Lincoln, the man I was thinking about in my English class. He was talking to some reporters while others were snapping photos of him. Was this a dream? I was really confused. In my mind, I wanted to run right up to him and ask him so many questions and tell him about everything in the future. But, what if I told Abraham about the future and altered time? I got out of the chair and walked in another direction. Suddenly, I heard the words, ‘Young man. Yes, you.’ I turned around, thinking he was talking to another young man, but there was no one behind me. I couldn't believe that THE Abraham Lincoln, our sixteenth president, was talking to ME.”)

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. The writer very effectively communicates the series of events by having the narrator encourage Abraham Lincoln to complete the Gettysburg Address and show him the future results of his political efforts. (“Suddenly, I pulled out my iPod from my pocket. I scrolled through and found a picture of my class. ‘What a technological device,’ Abraham said. ‘It's something that's invented in the future. Do you see that there are many races in my class and no one is separated.’ ‘I do see.’ ‘That's why you have to give this speech. Without it, schools could be separated by race and there could still be racism throughout America.’ Just like in your own words, ‘The best way to predict the future is to create it.’”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the narrative. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with complex characters that round out the narrative. The writer clearly establishes tension/conflict/a problem and builds to the revelation of the importance of historical events. In doing so, the writer heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Additionally, dialogue may be used very effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

There is very effective information about what happened before the event. In the beginning of the story, the writer sets up the conflict between a student’s perception of a history lesson as boring and the excitement of the actual events experienced later in the story. (“It was an average school day. I was bored out of my mind until something happened that would change the way I look at things forever. It all started in my middle school English class. My teacher was giving a boring lecture about the Civil Rights Act, but I wasn't listening to a single thing.”)

The characters included in the story are relevant and believable. For example, the writer includes Abraham Lincoln and his wife, Mary Todd Lincoln. (“Abraham Lincoln was standing by the stage and talking to his wife, Mary Todd Lincoln. He was telling her, ‘I don't know if I should do this. I think it might be too risky. What if it doesn't help end racial segregation? What if the listeners start a riot? What if...’ ‘Abe, you'll do fine. I'm confident that this speech will have a large impact on everyone who's listening.’ She gave him a kiss on the cheek and walked away. He sat down in a chair and was thinking. No one could know what was on his mind. He had a worried expression on his face. I knew I had to do something. I walked over to him and waved. ‘Why, if it isn't the young man I saw in town yesterday. I never caught your name.’”)

There is very effective information about what happened during the event. The writer provides relevant details about the narrator’s encounters with Abraham Lincoln throughout the narrative. (“I turned around, thinking he was talking to another young man, but there was no one behind me. I couldn't believe that THE Abraham Lincoln, our sixteenth president, was talking to ME. ‘Could you fetch me a pen?’ I stood there for a few seconds, in awe. But, I didn't want to look like a fool, so I did what I was told. I found a pen sitting on a side table. I ran up to him and gave him the pen. He signed a few autographs and turned in my direction and said, ‘I thank you my good man.’ ‘It was a pleasure,’ I replied. ‘Could I ask a few questions?’ ‘I'm sorry, but I'm in a rush. I have to put the finishing touches on my speech I'll be giving tomorrow. You should come. I've come up with the title, 'The Gettysburg Address.' It fits it perfectly, don't you think?’ At that instant, I realized where I was. Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, 1863. ‘I'll definitely be there,’ I said.”)

Organization

The narrative’s organization is very effective. The writer captures the reader’s attention by providing a clever opening to the story. The writing flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development and the writer provides an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The story very effectively captures the readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer skillfully foreshadows that something life-changing is going to happen to the narrator. (“It was an average school day. I was bored out of my mind until something happened that would change the way I look at things forever. It all started in my middle school English class. My teacher was giving a boring lecture about the Civil Rights Act, but I wasn't listening to a single thing. The only words I heard were ‘segregation’ and many names like ‘Martin Luther King Junior’ and ‘Abraham Lincoln.’ I thought about how hard it must have been for Abraham to speak to a large crowd when he gave the Gettysburg Address. I started to doze off, and soon enough, I was asleep.”)

Subtle transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“It was getting pretty late, and the sun was beginning to set. I figured that I would have to find somewhere to sleep overnight. I walked down the streets as quiet as I could, so I wouldn't disturb anyone. About an hour later, the sun had already set, and few people were still on the streets of the town, when I finally found a few bales of hay that looked comfy enough to sleep on for the night. Fortunately, I also found a large tarp sitting next to the hay bale that I used as a blanket. It wasn't the best sleep I'd had and it wasn't the worst either. The next day, I woke up and heard clacking below me and it felt like I was moving. It was then I realized that I was being pulled by a horse and heading towards a large stage. Someone must have put the hay bales in a wagon to bring them to the speech. I quickly hopped out of the wagon and hid behind the stage. Then, I saw a familiar face.”)

The story demonstrates a very effective ending by seamlessly transitioning from Lincoln’s voice in the past to the teacher’s voice in the present. (“‘Thank you for the inspiring advice, Christopher, Christopher, Christopher, CHRISTOPHER!’ In an instant, I was back in my English class. ‘You have to give the speech!’ I yelled. ‘What speech?’ my teacher said. ‘Oh, never mind. Continue on your lecture. I find it most interesting.’ ‘That's a first,’ my teacher said. ‘Normally, other students find this lecture to be quite boring.’ ‘Not after the experience I had. I got to meet THE Abraham Lincoln.’ My classmates giggled. ‘I'm getting a feeling that you had a pretty good dream.’ ‘Yes ma'am,’ I said.”)

Language Use & Style

There is strong voice from the writer throughout the story. The readers can feel the narrator’s confusion and fear. (“ What felt like two hours later, I woke up lying on the steps of a house that looked like it was made in the 1800's. I thought to myself, ‘How did I get here?’ Suddenly, I saw a crowd of people marching down the street and carrying signs that said, ‘Blacks matter too!’ and ‘Segregation is nonsense!’ Acting on instinct, I quickly hid behind a large bush so I wouldn't risk getting into trouble. A few moments later, I peeked outside of the bush and realized they were gone. I sat in a large rocking chair on someone's porch and thought about how I would get home. I was really stressed and was asking myself so many unanswered questions.”)

Complex sentence structures and sentence variety add to the sophistication of the overall message. (“I walked down the streets as quiet as I could, so I wouldn't disturb anyone. About an hour later, the sun had already set, and few people were still on the streets of the town, when I finally found a few bales of hay that looked comfy enough to sleep on for the night. Fortunately, I also found a large tarp sitting next to the hay bale that I used as a blanket. It wasn't the best sleep I'd had and it wasn't the worst either. The next day, I woke up and heard clacking below me and it felt like I was moving. It was then I realized that I was being pulled by a horse and heading towards a large stage. Someone must have put the hay bales in a wagon to bring them to the speech. I quickly hopped out of the wagon and hid behind the stage. Then, I saw a familiar face.”)

The writer’s coherent style and tone ensure the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the central idea of the story. (“ He sat down in a chair and was thinking. No one could know what was on his mind. He had a worried expression on his face. I knew I had to do something. I walked over to him and waved. ‘Why, if it isn't the young man I saw in town yesterday. I never caught your name.’ ‘Christopher. Christopher Smith,’ I replied. ‘I have to tell you something.’ ‘Yes?’ I'm from the future.’ ‘That's why you have such unique attire,’ he said. ‘The point is, you have to give this speech. If you don't, racial segregation might still be allowed in the future.’ Suddenly, I pulled out my iPod from my pocket. I scrolled through and found a picture of my class. ‘What a technological device,’ Abraham said. ‘It's something that's invented in the future. Do you see that there are many races in my class and no one is separated.’ ‘I do see.’ ‘That's why you have to give this speech. Without it, schools could be separated by race and there could still be racism throughout America.’ Just like in your own words, ‘The best way to predict the future is to create it.’”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“‘ I'm sorry, but I'm in a rush. I have to put the finishing touches on my speech I'll be giving tomorrow. You should come. I've come up with the title, 'The Gettysburg Address.' It fits it perfectly, don't you think?’ At that instant, I realized where I was. Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, 1863. ‘I'll definitely be there,’ I said.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

It was a boring Tuesday in Florida. Mrs. Smith's fifth grade class was in an American History museum. We turned left and entered The Woman's History section. There I saw, Helen Keller, Harriet Tubman, Sojourner Truth. My mouth dropped open in shock. The Amelia Earhart table was gone! All there was left was a picture of her grave. I turned around to ask my friend Laura about the missing podium. "Who? What are you talking about? Who in the world is Amelia Earhart?" she responded. Then I reached the empty podium and grabbed the picture. Finally, everything went dark.

I open my eyes. All I see is a woman talking to a guy on the phone. "What do you mean I can't fly across the world? Oh, so just because I'm a woman means I don't have the right to live my life? Fine, be that way!" she said. Then, she turned around, and I recognized her as the famous Amelia Earhart. "Yes little girl, what would you like?" she asked. I explained to her what happened back in 2013 and the future she was supposed to have. She said that the president wouldn't allow her to even fly to Boston, Massachusetts, and how could she attempt a risk so big. So I pulled my fourth grade textbook out of my bookbag and showed Amelia her biography.

After she read her biography, she got a little extra courage to fly. She took my hand and pulled me to her backyard. In her backyard there was a humongous blue tool shed. She opened the white doors, and I see a huge brown biplane. "I've been wanting to ride this puppy since I was 4 years old," she explained. It was getting late, so Amelia invited me to stay at her place. I put on one of her leftover pajamas and went to sleep in a chair.

The next morning I woke up and Amelia Earhart was gone. Then I heard a deep rumbling in the backyard. I rushed out there and saw Amelia on the biplane which she called The Flying Laboratory. She was flying above me over the Atlantic Ocean. "I knew she would do it!" I said, crying tears of joy. I zoomed back into Amelia's house and touched the picture. Then everything went black again.

I was back in the museum. My classmates looked at me like if I was a mutant fly. I looked back at the picture and smiled. In it was Amelia's biplane and her sweet face smiling. After that, I returned back to my class and we went to the Men's History section. I looked for my favorite man, Martin Luther King Jr. I didn't find him anywhere. I saw a little picture on his podium, so I went to go touch it. Then the room went black. Not again!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides effective focus in the narrative and communicates ideas in a meaningful way . The writer establishes and maintains a clear central idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story and completes most parts of the task.

In the beginning, the central idea in the story is well-established. The writer focuses the narrative completely on how history was changed by the narrator’s time-travel adventure. (“It was a boring Tuesday in Florida. Mrs. Smith's fifth grade class was in an American History museum. We turned left and entered The Woman's History section. There I saw, Helen Keller, Harriet Tubman, Sojourner Truth. My mouth dropped open in shock. The Amelia Earhart table was gone! All there was left was a picture of her grave. I turned around to ask my friend Laura about the missing podium. ‘Who? What are you talking about? Who in the world is Amelia Earhart?’ she responded. Then I reached the empty podium and grabbed the picture. Finally, everything went dark.”)

The parts of the story relate to the main event. (“I open my eyes. All I see is a woman talking to a guy on the phone. ‘What do you mean I can't fly across the world? Oh, so just because I'm a woman means I don't have the right to live my life? Fine, be that way!’ she said. Then, she turned around, and I recognized her as the famous Amelia Earhart.”)

The writer demonstrates understanding of the purpose. He/she creates an inventive method for the narrator to travel back in time to correct something that has gone wrong in history. (“After she read her biography, she got a little extra courage to fly. She took my hand and pulled me to her backyard. In her backyard there was a humongous blue tool shed. She opened the white doors, and I see a huge brown biplane. ‘I've been wanting to ride this puppy since I was 4 years old,’ she explained. … She was flying above me over the Atlantic Ocean. ‘I knew she would do it!’ I said, crying tears of joy.”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer provides a well-developed plot and setting and introduces the readers to believable characters who impact the story. The writer establishes tension/conflict/a problem that heightens the suspense for what will happen in the story. Additionally, dialogue may be used effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

The setting is effectively developed with details. (“ In her backyard there was a humongous blue tool shed. She opened the white doors, and I see a huge brown biplane. ‘I've been wanting to ride this puppy since I was 4 years old,’ she explained. It was getting late, so Amelia invited me to stay at her place. I put on one of her leftover pajamas and went to sleep in a chair.”)

Details are used to develop the main events of the story effectively. The writer consistently reveals the experiences of the main character as she moves back and forth through time. (“The next morning I woke up and Amelia Earhart was gone. Then I heard a deep rumbling in the backyard. I rushed out there and saw Amelia on the biplane which she called The Flying Laboratory. She was flying above me over the Atlantic Ocean. ‘I knew she would do it!’ I said, crying tears of joy. I zoomed back into Amelia's house and touched the picture. Then everything went black again.”)

The plot is effectively developed, and the writer provides a storyline that continues beyond the end of the narrative. (“I was back in the museum. My classmates looked at me like if I was a mutant fly. I looked back at the picture and smiled. In it was Amelia's biplane and her sweet face smiling. After that, I returned back to my class and we went to the Men's History section. I looked for my favorite man, Martin Luther King Jr. I didn't find him anywhere. I saw a little picture on his podium, so I went to go touch it. Then the room went black. Not again!”)

Organization

The story effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning. The story starts out with a scene of a boring field trip at a history museum, but it quickly becomes a mystery. (“ It was a boring Tuesday in Florida. Mrs. Smith's fifth grade class was in an American History museum. We turned left and entered The Woman's History section. There I saw, Helen Keller, Harriet Tubman, Sojourner Truth. My mouth dropped open in shock. The Amelia Earhart table was gone!”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. The writer incorporates effective transitions to promote the flow of the story. (“ The next morning I woke up and Amelia Earhart was gone. Then I heard a deep rumbling in the backyard. I rushed out there and saw Amelia on the biplane which she called The Flying Laboratory. She was flying above me over the Atlantic Ocean.”)

The story includes an effective ending. (“ After that, I returned back to my class and we went to the Men's History section. I looked for my favorite man, Martin Luther King Jr. I didn't find him anywhere. I saw a little picture on his podium, so I went to go touch it. Then the room went black. Not again!”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent. (“ The Amelia Earhart table was gone! All there was left was a picture of her grave. I turned around to ask my friend Laura about the missing podium. ‘Who? What are you talking about? Who in the world is Amelia Earhart?’ she responded. Then I reached the empty podium and grabbed the picture. Finally, everything went dark.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the central idea of the story. (“ Then, she turned around, and I recognized her as the famous Amelia Earhart. ‘Yes little girl, what would you like?’ she asked. I explained to her what happened back in 2013 and the future she was supposed to have. She said that the president wouldn't allow her to even fly to Boston, Massachusetts, and how could she attempt a risk so big. So I pulled my fourth grade textbook out of my bookbag and showed Amelia her biography.”)

The writer employs good word choices to convey the character’s experiences and emotions. (“ Then I heard a deep rumbling in the backyard. I rushed out there and saw Amelia on the biplane which she called The Flying Laboratory. She was flying above me over the Atlantic Ocean. ‘I knew she would do it!’ I said, crying tears of joy. I zoomed back into Amelia's house and touched the picture.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. Specifically, the writer should maintain consistent verb tense without going back and forth between past tense and present tense verb forms. (“ I open my eyes. All I see is a woman talking to a guy on the phone. … She took my hand and pulled me to her backyard. In her backyard there was a humongous blue tool shed. She opened the white doors, and I see a huge brown biplane.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

My Day With The Amazing Rosa Parks!

Have you ever thought of going back in time to give Rosa Parks courage to do what's right? Well I have and that day is today. Wish me luck.

As I walked into my fathers science lab, I spotted a little statue of Mrs. Parks on his desk. So it grabbed it and ran through the transporter. As I walked out I saw people walk into the bus and one of them was Mrs. Parks. Can you believe that? I started to run into the bus before the doors closed, but right when I stepped on, the bus driver said "you got to pay to ride." As I slowly pulled out a $5.00 bill he shouted "it's $10.00!"

Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared at him. He trembled and said "I mean $10.00 please." There was only one seat left and that was next to Mrs. Parks. I sat down, and spoke quickly and said "Hi Rosa Parks, I'm Jennifer Smith from the future. I came to give you courage for something that gives you rights." She started giggling and said "You actually think you're from the future, and I could do something that gives people rights?"

Then right when she didn't believe me I pulled out the statue of her and said "Then why do I have a statue of you?" She mumbled "Oh my god I am really important." I stood up and moved to another seat. Right when I sat down a white man walked in and said to Mrs. Parks "Get up so I can sit down." She just sat there quietly and ignored him so he told the driver to call the police. They arrested her and put her in jail but she just waited patiently. Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat and was able to do what was right.

That is what I would do if I transported back in time to give courage to Rosa Parks, who fought for rights. This began the move for African American freedom and that's why she is my American Hero.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer states the central idea of the story adequately. (“Have you ever thought of going back in time to give Rosa Parks courage to do what's right? Well I have and that day is today. Wish me luck.”)

Throughout the narrative, the writer maintains focus on the idea of traveling back in time. (“As I walked into my fathers science lab, I spotted a little statue of Mrs. Parks on his desk. So it grabbed it and ran through the transporter. As I walked out I saw people walk into the bus and one of them was Mrs. Parks. Can you believe that?”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt task. (“Then right when she didn't believe me I pulled out the statue of her and said ‘Then why do I have a statue of you?’ She mumbled ‘Oh my god I am really important.’ I stood up and moved to another seat. Right when I sat down a white man walked in and said to Mrs. Parks ‘Get up so I can sit down.’ She just sat there quietly and ignored him so he told the driver to call the police. They arrested her and put her in jail but she just waited patiently. Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat and was able to do what was right.”)

Content & Development

The content and development of ideas is adequate in the narrative. The story includes a reasonably developed plot and setting with relevant and believable characters. The writer establishes tension/conflict/a problem that creates suspense for what will happen in the story. Additionally, he/she shares characters’ thoughts through the use of dialogue.

The writer provides adequate details that all relate to the main event. (“As I walked into my fathers science lab, I spotted a little statue of Mrs. Parks on his desk. So it grabbed it and ran through the transporter. As I walked out I saw people walk into the bus and one of them was Mrs. Parks. Can you believe that? I started to run into the bus before the doors closed, but right when I stepped on, the bus driver said ‘you got to pay to ride.’”)

The writer’s use of dialogue in the narrative is adequate. (“I sat down, and spoke quickly and said ‘Hi Rosa Parks, I'm Jennifer Smith from the future. I came to give you courage for something that gives you rights.’ She started giggling and said ‘You actually think you're from the future, and I could do something that gives people rights?’”)

The writer briefly provides a conflict in the story when Rosa Parks has to decide whether to move from her seat or defy the authorities. (“Right when I sat down a white man walked in and said to Mrs. Parks ‘Get up so I can sit down.’ She just sat there quietly and ignored him so he told the driver to call the police. They arrested her and put her in jail but she just waited patiently. Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat and was able to do what was right.”)

Organization

There is adequate organization in the narrative. The writer provides an interesting opening that motivates the readers to continue reading the story. The story generally flows smoothly from one event to another with adequate transitions to support sequential development. The story’s ending gives the readers a sense of closure.

Although the beginning demonstrates an adequate attempt to express the central idea of the story, the writer should grab the readers’ attention by detailing the necessity of possibly altering history. (“ Have you ever thought of going back in time to give Rosa Parks courage to do what's right? Well I have and that day is today. Wish me luck.”)

The writer needs to use effective transitions to connect events in the story. By incorporating transitions throughout the narrative, the writer can assist the readers by carrying the story’s events to their ultimate conclusion. (“Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared at him. He trembled and said ‘I mean $10.00 please.’ There was only one seat left and that was next to Mrs. Parks.”)

The story comes to an abrupt end, but it includes a lesson learned that gives the intended audience a sense of closure. (“ That is what I would do if I transported back in time to give courage to Rosa Parks, who fought for rights. This began the move for African American freedom and that's why she is my American Hero.”)

Language Use & Style

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ As I walked into my fathers science lab, I spotted a little statue of Mrs. Parks on his desk. So it grabbed it and ran through the transporter. As I walked out I saw people walk into the bus and one of them was Mrs. Parks. Can you believe that? I started to run into the bus before the doors closed, but right when I stepped on, the bus driver said ‘you got to pay to ride.’”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the narrative. He/she provides language that adequately describes the unassuming, yet strong, character of Rosa Parks. (“ She just sat there quietly and ignored him so he told the driver to call the police. They arrested her and put her in jail but she just waited patiently. Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat and was able to do what was right.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the story. (“ That is what I would do if I transported back in time to give courage to Rosa Parks, who fought for rights. This began the move for African American freedom and that's why she is my American Hero.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Influence an American Hero

Have you heard of the revolutionary war. well in this story you are going to learn a lot about James Armistead. James was a hard worker he worked as a slave. he also did many things as a slave and also sent messages he was also a spy he was one of the best spy in York Town. when he was a spy he was a guide for the roads.

He became a spy by going to the American camp and ask them for a job but asking for freedom. And after a couple of days they gave him the job. after years of benning a spy he become one of the best spys in York Town. He spyed on benedict Arnold and lord Charles corn Wallis. He sent messages on a piece a paper to the American army.

One night i was wondering how it would be in a time machine to actually go in the future or in the past. To really see James Armisted to tell him theirs a war going on at there that's why i will built a time machine.

I told James Armisted to not quit the war to keep on trying. If he didn't we would have not had had freedom. He was a young hared worker that gave us freedom. He risked his life to give us freedom he was benign chase by the British army and was risking he life to gave us our freedom that we need. He also did not quit the war cause everyone was counting on him to give us the freedom that we disseve. But after a while the battles of the Revolution were overcause Corn Wallis did not ride out with his troops on the day of the surrender.

I learned that the war is important. And that the person that gave us freedom was James Armisted. And that James Armisted De Lafaytte took the name of the Marquis De Lafayette.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides limited focus and communication of ideas in the narrative. The writer establishes and maintains a limited central idea and demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she provides limited descriptions and details that may not be relevant to the story or that would not give the readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The writer states the central idea of the story in a very limited way. (“Have you heard of the revolutionary war. well in this story you are going to learn a lot about James Armistead.”)

The writer’s focus is limited in the narrative. He/she focuses limited details on the time-travel adventure; the narrator built a time machine in one sentence and was talking to James Armistead in the next. (“One night i was wondering how it would be in a time machine to actually go in the future or in the past. To really see James Armisted to tell him theirs a war going on at there that's why i will built a time machine.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the narrative. He/she talks about the heroic efforts of James Armistead but provides little narrative about being there and encouraging him to make the right decision. In providing more relevant details, the readers will be able to fully appreciate the story unfolding in the writer’s mind. (“I told James Armisted to not quit the war to keep on trying. If he didn't we would have not had had freedom. He was a young hared worker that gave us freedom. He risked his life to give us freedom he was benign chase by the British army and was risking he life to gave us our freedom that we need. He also did not quit the war cause everyone was counting on him to give us the freedom that we disseve.”)

Content & Development

The narrative reveals limited content and development. The writer provides an adequately developed plot, setting, and characters, but lacks sufficient detail to make this more than a summary of what happens in the story. Tension, conflict, or a problem may be stated but is not developed sufficiently. Some dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Although the writer provides brief information to state the purpose of the narrative, limited details are used to develop the main events of the story. (“He became a spy by going to the American camp and ask them for a job but asking for freedom. And after a couple of days they gave him the job. after years of benning a spy he become one of the best spys in York Town. He spyed on benedict Arnold and lord Charles corn Wallis. He sent messages on a piece a paper to the American army.”)

The details about characters in the story are limited. The writer introduces the narrator and James Armistead but does not describe them as characters in the story. (“I told James Armisted to not quit the war to keep on trying. If he didn't we would have not had had freedom. He was a young hared worker that gave us freedom.”)

The writer does not implement sufficient use of dialogue in the narrative. By including dialogue, the writer can share the thoughts of characters in the story. (“He also did not quit the war cause everyone was counting on him to give us the freedom that we disseve. But after a while the battles of the Revolution were overcause Corn Wallis did not ride out with his troops on the day of the surrender.”)

Organization

There is limited organization of main ideas and supporting details in the narrative. The writer provides an opening that may hold the readers’ attention. The flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Subtle transitions are evident, but may be weak. The writer does not provide the readers with a sense of closure.

The beginning of the narrative sounds more like the introduction for an informational report than a story. The writer should grab the readers’ attention with dialogue from the characters or description of a setting in the story. (“ Have you heard of the revolutionary war. well in this story you are going to learn a lot about James Armistead. James was a hard worker he worked as a slave. he also did many things as a slave and also sent messages he was also a spy he was one of the best spy in York Town. when he was a spy he was a guide for the roads.”)

Few transitions are used to connect events in the story to lead the readers through the narrative. (“ He became a spy by going to the American camp and ask them for a job but asking for freedom. And after a couple of days they gave him the job. after years of benning a spy he become one of the best spys in York Town. He spyed on benedict Arnold and lord Charles corn Wallis. He sent messages on a piece a paper to the American army.”)

The writer does not provide an ending that gives the readers a sense of closure. At the very end of the story, the writer reveals what he/she learned about Armistead but does not explain how the narrator returns home after his/her visit to the past. (“ I learned that the war is important. And that the person that gave us freedom was James Armisted. And that James Armisted De Lafaytte took the name of the Marquis De Lafayette.”)

Language Use & Style

S entences are too informal and word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the writer’s ideas to the intended audience. (“ Have you heard of the revolutionary war. well in this story you are going to learn a lot about James Armistead. James was a hard worker he worked as a slave. he also did many things as a slave and also sent messages he was also a spy he was one of the best spy in York Town.”)

Oftentimes, the writer uses the same words within sentences. The writer’s use of “spy,” for example, is glaringly repetitive. (“ He became a spy by going to the American camp and ask them for a job but asking for freedom. And after a couple of days they gave him the job. after years of benning a spy he become one of the best spys in York Town. He spyed on benedict Arnold and lord Charles corn Wallis. He sent messages on a piece a paper to the American army.”)

The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the story more interesting to the intended audience. He/she should describe the setting and how the events unfold as the narrator spends time in the past. (“ I told James Armisted to not quit the war to keep on trying. If he didn't we would have not had had freedom. He was a young hared worker that gave us freedom. He risked his life to give us freedom he was benign chase by the British army and was risking he life to gave us our freedom that we need.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. He/she should also indicate new paragraphs with line breaks, check for correct spelling of words, and ensure proper usage of words within the context of sentences. (“One night i was wondering how it would be in a time machine to actually go in the future or in the past. To really see James Armisted to tell him theirs a war going on at there that's why i will built a time machine.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

My story is about Martin Luther King Jr. frist when i traveled back into time a told martin that i know its the right thing to protest and say speeches about slavery but it is very dangorus en peolpe hear or see your protests or speeches they might get mad.

Then he said "Idont care i want to end slavery no matter who ever dies or what it takes but im not stoping untill slavery is finally done!"

After that he went outside and led his march for the rest of the day but when he came back he said you were right i should stop saying speeches and leading protest becuase them white folks are crazy one of them tried to run me over with there car.

Then i told him "I thought you wanted to end slavery know your wimping out and wanting to stop all of this welll its not that easy becuase alot of people have hope of finally ending slavery and were so close of finally ending slavery and im not going to let you ruin it know you started this and know your ending this and i dont care what it will take"

Then after that he said “your right I want slavery to end since I was a little boy". after that he went outside an gave "I have a dream " speech in the lincoln mamorial and finally ended slavery.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story only minimally states the main event of the story. (“My story is about Martin Luther King Jr. frist when i traveled back into time a told martin that i know its the right thing to protest and say speeches about slavery but it is very dangorus en peolpe hear or see your protests or speeches they might get mad.”)

The writer’s ideas are confusing. In the beginning, it sounds like the narrator is discouraging Martin Luther King, Jr. from his activism. The central idea is not sufficiently established to show that the time traveler’s purpose is to encourage the work of a freedom fighter in history. (“After that he went outside and led his march for the rest of the day but when he came back he said you were right i should stop saying speeches and leading protest becuase them white folks are crazy one of them tried to run me over with there car.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event do not help maintain the focus on the central idea of the story. (“Then he said ‘Idont care i want to end slavery no matter who ever dies or what it takes but im not stoping untill slavery is finally done!’”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. The story lacks tension or conflict to make the story interesting. Little to no dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Only minimal details are used to develop the main events of the story. The plot is only minimally developed. The writer states that the narrator traveled back in time, but there is no plot line that describes how the narrator found Martin Luther King, Jr. (“My story is about Martin Luther King Jr. frist when i traveled back into time a told martin that i know its the right thing to protest and say speeches about slavery but it is very dangorus en peolpe hear or see your protests or speeches they might get mad.”)

The writer does not provide a narrative that includes a detailed setting or characters. There are no descriptions of the setting, and the writer does not attempt to describe the characters in any way. (“After that he went outside and led his march for the rest of the day but when he came back he said you were right i should stop saying speeches and leading protest becuase them white folks are crazy one of them tried to run me over with there car.”)

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is present in the story but not effectively developed. (“Then i told him ‘I thought you wanted to end slavery know your wimping out and wanting to stop all of this welll its not that easy becuase alot of people have hope of finally ending slavery and were so close of finally ending slavery and im not going to let you ruin it know you started this and know your ending this and i dont care what it will take’”)

Organization

The story begins with a statement and does little to grab the readers’ attention. (“ My story is about Martin Luther King Jr. frist when i traveled back into time a told martin that i know its the right thing to protest and say speeches about slavery but it is very dangorus en peolpe hear or see your protests or speeches they might get mad.”)

Simple transitions are used to connect events in the story. By including more effective transitions, the writer can create an effective flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence. (“ Then he said ‘Idont care i want to end slavery no matter who ever dies or what it takes but im not stoping untill slavery is finally done!’”)

The story minimally demonstrates an ending. The narrative fails to reveal insightful lessons the writer may have learned through the experiences in the story, and it does not leave the readers with much to think about in terms of the narrator’s impact on history. (“ Then after that he said ‘your right I want slavery to end since I was a little boy’. after that he went outside an gave ‘I have a dream’ speech in the lincoln mamorial and finally ended slavery.”)

Language Use & Style

Exact words are missing and errors in syntax are evident. These errors impede the readers’ ability to follow the writer’s narrative with understanding. (“ My story is about Martin Luther King Jr. frist when i traveled back into time a told martin that i know its the right thing to protest and say speeches about slavery but it is very dangorus en peolpe hear or see your protests or speeches they might get mad.”)

There are several run-on sentences in the narrative. The writer needs to phrase ideas in an effective way to clearly communicate events throughout the narrative. (“ After that he went outside and led his march for the rest of the day but when he came back he said you were right i should stop saying speeches and leading protest becuase them white folks are crazy one of them tried to run me over with there car.”)

The language is simple and repetitive. Word choices and sentence structures do not effectively communicate the writer’s story to the intended audience. (“ Then i told him ‘I thought you wanted to end slavery know your wimping out and wanting to stop all of this welll its not that easy becuase alot of people have hope of finally ending slavery and were so close of finally ending slavery and im not going to let you ruin it know you started this and know your ending this and i dont care what it will take’”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the narrative exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized and meaningful story. (“Then after that he said ‘your right I want slavery to end since I was a little boy’. after that he went outside an gave ‘I have a dream’ speech in the lincoln mamorial and finally ended slavery.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Frist my adventure would be the best because i would have a blast going back in time to he time were Abraham Lincoln cause he was a good Presedents keeped the U.S good during the civil war. Lincoln was a good civil right person. Lincoln thought that everybody deserves to be equal and that's what happend every body got equal but today were going.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the narrative are inadequate. The writer establishes little or no central idea and d emonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, or task. He/she provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story. Overall, the writer barely completes any parts of the task.

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is stated, but the writer does not focus details to elaborate on the central idea of the story. The writer does not describe his/her adventure. (“ Frist my adventure would be the best because i would have a blast going back in time to he time were Abraham Lincoln cause he was a good Presedents keeped the U.S good during the civil war.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of intended audience. (“Lincoln was a good civil right person.”)

The writer does not provide details that satisfy the purpose of the task. (“Lincoln thought that everybody deserves to be equal and that's what happend every body got equal but today were going.”)

Content & Development

The setting is not developed. The writer indicates going back in time to the days of the Civil War but does not describe the place; providing details about the characters’ surroundings helps the readers imagine the scenes in their minds. (“ Frist my adventure would be the best because i would have a blast going back in time to he time were Abraham Lincoln cause he was a good Presedents keeped the U.S good during the civil war.”)

The writer mentions Abraham Lincoln in the story, but his character is not developed in detail. (“Lincoln was a good civil right person.”)

There is no dialogue that reveals what the characters may think or say aloud. (“Lincoln thought that everybody deserves to be equal and that's what happend every body got equal but today were going.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the narrative is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end with serious gaps in the sequencing of ideas.

The story does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning; it does not clearly focus on telling a story that would reveal, in great detail, a problem in the past that must be corrected through time travel. (“ Frist my adventure would be the best because i would have a blast going back in time to he time were Abraham Lincoln cause he was a good Presedents keeped the U.S good during the civil war.”)

There are no events described in the story to create a sequence or flow of action. (“ Lincoln was a good civil right person.”)

The story includes no identifiable ending that gives the readers a sense of closure. (“ Lincoln thought that everybody deserves to be equal and that's what happend every body got equal but today were going.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is inadequate in the narrative. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice with no a wareness of audience; also, there are noticeable errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are incorrect word choices employed within the context of some sentences. (“ Frist my adventure would be the best because i would have a blast going back in time to he time were Abraham Lincoln cause he was a good Presedents keeped the U.S good during the civil war.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ Lincoln was a good civil right person.”)

There is no style reflected on the part of the writer in terms of word choices, organization, or sentence structure in the narrative. (“Lincoln thought that everybody deserves to be equal and that's what happend every body got equal but today were going.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is inadequate in the narrative. There are noticeable e rrors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling which significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the narrative exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized story. The narrative is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“Frist my adventure would be the best because i would have a blast going back in time to he time were Abraham Lincoln cause he was a good Presedents keeped the U.S good during the civil war. Lincoln was a good civil right person. Lincoln thought that everybody deserves to be equal and that's what happend every body got equal but today were going.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Learning a New Skill

Think of a time when you learned how to do something new or taught someone a new skill. Maybe it was a new sport or playing a new instrument. What happened? What did you find difficult about learning or teaching this new skill? Write a story about learning or teaching a new skill.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

When I was little, I had a bike. The only problem was that I didn't know how to ride it. One day when my brother was trying to teach me how to ride, I fell and my bike broke. I was devastated. I thought that since my bike broke I would never learn how to ride and I would never be like the cool kids on T.V.. Oh! how wrong I was!

A few years later I was still bikless. It was the middle of spring and I was in the fourth grade. My mom met this one other girls mom. The girls mom made an offer my mom couldn't refuse. I would stay at the girls house until my mom got off work. I agreed, so we went.

After a few days I got bored. There was nothing to do at their house. Soon I noticed that the girl had two bikes. A little bike, and a medium bike. I didn't even bother to even try riding them. I was to embarrassed to even try. I didn't want to make a fool of myself in front of everyone. I just let them be.

A short time after that, the girl's mom wanted me to go outside to get some fresh air. I guess she just didn't get the fact that I am not an outdoors kind of person. Anyway, when I went outside I saw some other kids playing on their bikes with the girl and her friends. I wanted to play too. At that precise moment I realized that if I wanted to play with them I would have to face my fears about being so embarrassed and at least try to learn how to ride a bike.

I asked one of the girls out there if I could use her bike. She let me use it and I had a little trouble getting steady but I soon got it still. I tried to just start riding but I kept on falling. The other girl I was staying with laughed at me and said I couldn't do it. I got really mad and I thought of nothing else but proving the girl wrong. I got on the bike while my brother held one side of it. I started pedaling but my brother still hung on. I peddled a few more yards when suddenly my brother let go of the bike. I thought I was going to fall but I didn't. It took a few seconds but soon I realized that I was actually riding a bike by myself.

The girl I was staying with looked really mad but I was happy. I proved everyone wrong. My mom had already come and was just talking to the girls mom. When she came outside I shouted, " Hey, mom, look at me!" For a second she looked confused but then she started smiling. I was so proud of myself.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author of this essay has completed all parts of the assigned task. The response establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience.

Content & Development

The author of this essay provides a wide variety of appropriate details to support the ideas presented. The reader is given a very clear picture of what new skill was learned and why it was a challenge. The author’s emotions are described artfully in this essay (from “ I was devastated ” to “ I was so proud of myself ”).

Organization

The author of this response has written a cohesive and unified essay with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion; transitional devices (“ A few years later ” and “ A short time after that ”) are used throughout.

Language Use & Style

This essay reveals precise language use, artful word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience; the sentences, ranging from simple to complex, are well-structured and varied.

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay exhibits very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. The few errors that are present, such as the lack of an apostrophe indicating possession in “ The girls mom,” do not detract from the presentation of the author’s position.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I once had a hard time teaching my younger sister, Aimee, how to swim. Aimee was frightened; swimming on the three feet pool, because she did not know how to swim. We, as in my dad and I decided to help her. Teaching something new to somebody is hard, yet rewarding. Sure, we all get a good feeling about helping others, but sometimes it is a pain in the neck! We worked hard to help my sister in her fear.

My little sister had a hard time when my mom or dad would take us to the pool. Aimee, was around six, when a boy in her class, started to harass her, about what she had to were in order to be safe. When, they made fun of her, she would cry everywhere, on the way to the house and in the house. A lot of times, instead of a bathing-suit and a towel, she would bring a picture book and her glasses, and look at them over and over. When Aimee did go in the water, she would stay at the stairs, and just sit there looking at us.

When we went to the pool, my dad and I would help her with the basic items. I would try to help her on it, but she was very frightened. We kept doing the same things over and over; for two summers. She was eight years old, when she ate a courage pill or something. That summer, she started to swim in the deep parts. I was so proud of my sister. She was also very amazed she kept yelling at us, I did it, I did it! From that day she kept working on it, and Aimee turns out to be a great swimmer.

My dad and I worked harder with her and helped her. Now, when we race, she sometimes beats me! When we get together, we trade swimming techniques. One of the techniques that this experience gave me was the technique of learning not to turn into a frustrated person, because that will not work well with the person being taught. Also, the reward I will receive for my frustration is to see how well how she has succeeded. I had a delightful time seeing my sister learn how to swim.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Overall, this essay completes the task assigned: it establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience.

Content & Development

The author of this essay d evelops supporting ideas clearly and with sufficient appropriate details. For example, the difficulty involved in teaching the younger sister how to swim, along with the sister’s feeling of elation when she does learn how to swim, are described well.

Organization

This response is well organized, starting with a good introduction (“Sure, we all get a good feeling about helping others, but sometimes it is a pain in the neck”), then describing the learning process in some detail, and finally wrapping up with a strong conclusion (“I had a delightful time seeing my sister learn how to swim”).

Language Use & Style

The author of this essay shows appropriate language use and word choice, with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. While the essay is not without error – note the improper substitution of “ she had to were ” for the word “wear” – the author’s language style shows some sophistication.

Mechanics & Conventions

This response reveals few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. Several sentences could be reworked, such as the fragment “ swimming on the three feet pool, because she did not know how to swim,” but these mistakes do not substantially interfere with the author’s message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

One time I tutored my friend Adrianna in mathematics. It was very new to me, difficult, and it toke a lot of responsibility. But when all the grumpiness, teaching, and tiredness was over with I felt unselfish and felt like smiling because I put a smile on some ones face.

The responsibility of teaching Adrianna was immense. I had to make sure she knew what she was doing and make sure I wasn't misleading her. Soon I started to grow exhausted and dreaded her arrival at my house. I was difficult to not to slack off and to put my foot down and say "no!" when she wanted to play. I also couldn't be that mean to her because it would break our friendship. I'll tell you being a teacher isn't a piece of cake.

But with the bad comes the sweet. When everything was over with I felt fantastic. When the math test came up she aced it and thanked me and told me I made a difference. After that I was very pleased with my self.

So helping others pays you back. Maybe not right away but you still feel great. It feels great to know you helped somebody excel and master something.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Overall, this essay establishes a controlling idea and delivers a basic response to the task. The author suggests a deeper understanding of the task (“ But with the bad comes the sweet ”), but does not deliver an essay that reflects this understanding to the reader. With substantial additions of narrative material, this could be a superior essay.

Content & Development

The supporting details used to illustrate the author’s narrative are a dequate. This essay could be improved if additional detail were supplied. The reader is told, for example, that “ The responsibility of teaching Adrianna was immense,” but more detail about this responsibility could be provided.

Organization

The author has written an essay that demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion and some use of transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

This response demonstrates appropriate language use and word choice. Some very descriptive words are used (“ unselfish,” “grumpiness,” and “master”). The sentences are generally well structured and correct.

Mechanics & Conventions

This author maintains adequate control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are present, such as the substitution of the word “toke” for the word “took,” but these do not significantly interfere with the communication of the author’s message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

When I first learned how to dive it was a little hard. First I had to crouch down and dive like that. Then I had to learn how to stand and dive it was scary and hard. Sometimes I would bellyflop. Acually I bellyfloped alot. It hurts really bad! I think I need to practice more on my diving so I don't bellyflop anymore.

It's hard to try not to. When I would have to dive I would have to push off really strong so I would go deep down in the water. It was hard and I need more practice. The reason why I can't go very deep in the water is beacause I'm not a deep swimmer. The reason why I like to dive is beacause it's fun. I think diving is cool, beacause I would watch people dive and I thoght that it was cool how they would just jump in without being scared and without bellyfloping. It was fun learning how to dive and I'm glad I did.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Overall, this essay establishes a controlling idea (“ When I first learned how to dive it was a little hard ”) but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience and completes some parts of the task.

Content & Development

In this essay, the author develops supportive ideas briefly, simply, and inconsistently, offering some repetitive observations (“ It was hard ” and “ The reason why ”).

Organization

This essay shows some evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction, but it lacks an effective conclusion and the sequence of events presented is somewhat disjointed.

Language Use & Style

The language used in this essay tends to be simple. The author writes, “ It hurts really bad ” and “ I think diving is cool ,” but fails to highlight these feelings with more descriptive and interesting language.

Mechanics & Conventions

While readable, this essay is dominated by misspelled words (“ beacause ,” “ thoght ,” and “ alot ”) and poorly constructed sentences (“ Then I had to learn how to stand and dive it was scary and hard ”) that detract from the presentation of the author’s narrative.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

The hardest skill I learned to do is use a computer keyboard because my fingers where to small. So I always had to put one of my fingers on the letter I wanted to with. But with help from my family I laerned how to type. T

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Overall, while this essay suggests a controlling idea (“The hardest skill I learned to do is use a computer keyboard”), it does not complete the task assigned and fails to adequately describe for the reader a situation where a new skill was learned.

Content & Development

The support provided to this author’s narrative is both incomplete and inadequate; no details are provided to help the reader understand the author’s point.

Organization

This essay shows no evidence of a unified structure and lacks a functional introduction and conclusion.

Language Use & Style

This essay utilizes only the most basic language in telling the story of learning a new skill. Basic errors in word choice and sentence structure (“ The hardest skill I learned to do ”) remain.

Mechanics & Conventions

In this short essay, the author maintains only a minimal control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Many errors in spelling (“laerned”) and grammar (“on the letter I wanted to with”) do interfere with the communication of the author’s message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I remeber I lernd A new skill and it was playing basketball I laernd how to shoot the ball in the basket and I laernd how to dribble up and the court then I laernd how to do A lup and no how toshoot from down court.And I gout better plaing basketball and thats how Ilearnd A new skill.THE END

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Content & Development

This response demonstrates virtually no content or development. The plot is inadequate and unidentifiab l e. (“ basketball I laernd how to shoot the ball in the basket and I laernd how to dribble up and the court then I laernd how to do A lup and no how toshoot from down court.”)

Organization

In the space of only four lines, this response is too short to demonstrate any evidence of an organizat i onal structure. This essay also lacks an introduction and conclusion and contains no effective transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

Using unclear or incoherent language, the author demonstrates no awareness of the audience. The entire essay consists of two very poorly constructed sentences that contain severe errors in structure, word choice, and usage.

Mechanics & Conventions

This writer demonstrates inadequate control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling (“ gout “, “ lup ”, and “ Ilearnd ”) significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Locked in a Department Store

Gabrielle and her two friends are shopping at the local mall. While shopping in a department store, they notice that it starts getting late. They are told that the mall is closing, but they lose track of time. Now the exit doors are locked, and they are locked in the store with no way out!

Think about the girls being locked in the department store, and write a story about what happens next.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Locked in Paradise

"The mall will be closing in one minute!"The speaker alarmed us. "One minute!"Gabriella screamed. "We have to get to the exits!"Ben hesitated. "Let's go!"Seth commanded. They ran swiftly, speedily, and expeditiously as fast as their legs could pump. "Do you think we'll make it?"Gabriella questioned. "I hope so!"Ben pleaded. "SLAM!"The doors struck shut as hard as a jail cell closes. "I guess we spoke too soon."Seth exclaimed.

A few minutes later, we were worrying and pacing around in circles. "Everything will be fine, guys. We will look back at this time a year from now and laugh."Gabriella explained. "That's a year from now, not right at this time!" Seth disapprovingly said. "We might be on the news." Ben uttered. "Look at the bright side of the situation. It will only be a few hours until the mall is open again. Also, we have the whole entire, spacious mall to ourselves!" Gabriella explained. "Let's make the best of it! We'll have so much fun and when it's time to leave, it will be a horrible thing, instead of a wonderful thing!" Ben chimed in.

Next, they went browsing and milling around the mall and stopped at the sight of a white, decorative mattress store. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Seth asked Gabriella. "Pillow fight!" Gabriella shouted. They all rushed and deserted the hall of the mall to go into the mattress store, sprang to a good, fluffy as a feather pillow, and attacked each other. "You can't get me!" Gabriella instigated Seth. "You can't get me either!" Seth taunted. "Then let's see who can hit each other, first." Ben calmly stated. "Fine! But you know it will be me who hits you first!"Gabriella boasted. "WHIP!" Gabriella thrashed Seth, knocking him rocketing through the air as fast as an eagle flying at full speed, and landing onto what felt like a cloud, but was actually a mattress. "You hit me well!" Seth complimented. "Thanks!" Gabriella said politely.

After the pillow fight was over, they pondered what to do. They eventually came upon an immense, beige colored, "Build-a- Bear Workshop." Next, after deciding what to do, they finally ventured into it. "Hey, guys!" Seth got their undivided attention. "What?" They asked in unison. "Do you want to have a stuffing party?" Ben questioned like it was an ordinary thing to do. "A what?" Seth and Gabriella asked. "With the stuffing that fills all the animals, do you want to have a party in it?" Ben replied. "Why wouldn't we?" After that, they all burst, shot, and sprinted over to the stuffing machine, and creaked it open. Secondly, they all stuck their wrinkly hands into the fluffy stuffing, and poured and planted it onto the ground, and started partying. "This is too much fun!" Gabriella shouted. "I absolutely agree!" Ben and Gabriella screamed. They threw the stuffing in the air, flung it at each other, and jumped into the sea of stuffing.

After some more minutes of having so much fun that someone could cry from having, they eventually got out of the stuffing, and saw a great, colossal, gorgeous, fountain. That fountain was glimmering, gleaming, beaming, and shining with water. "Do you see that huge fountain over there?"Seth asked and pointed a bony, scrawny finger over to the fountain. "Yes."Gabriella answered. "I definitely see it!"Ben sarcastically said. "Let's go swimming!"Seth bellowed. "Are you joking?"Gabriella questioned. "No!"Seth answered. At that very moment, Ben, Seth, and Gabriella shot over to the fountain, and flew into the water with a huge shower of water. They still had their clothes on, the same they were just a minute ago. They swam, laughed, and had a terrific time! "We should get trapped in the mall more often!"Ben joyfully stated. "I should have brought my scuba diving gear!"Seth remembered. "I can't believe how big this fountain is!"Gabriella said.

"FREEZE with your hands in the air!"A cop boomed all of the sudden. "What did we do wrong?"Seth asked. "You are in a store that closed. We think you're shoplifting!"The cop looked at us like we were zany. "We tried to get out of the mall in time but we only had one minute!"Gabriella protested. "I don't want to go to jail!"Ben screamed, annoying us. "Those speakers don't really give a lot of warning."The cop confirmed us. "I have the keys to the mall right in my pocket." "It's time to go home, guys."Seth added. So in a few minutes, sopping, dripping, and mopping the floors without actually mopping them, they were escorted out of the mall.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the narrative. Throughout the story, the writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer uses descriptions and details that are all relevant. He/she reflectively showcases the characters’ experiences while locked in a department store with vivid and relevant descriptions.

All of the events in the narrative are consistent with the prompt. Throughout the story, the writer crafts creative experiences for the characters as they endure their time locked in a department store. Readers are drawn into these experiences and feel as though they are alongside the characters, having a great deal of fun. (“After some more minutes of having so much fun that someone could cry from having, they eventually got out of the stuffing, and saw a great, colossal, gorgeous, fountain. That fountain was glimmering, gleaming, beaming, and shining with water. ‘Do you see that huge fountain over there?’Seth asked and pointed a bony, scrawny finger over to the fountain. …At that very moment, Ben, Seth, and Gabriella shot over to the fountain, and flew into the water with a huge shower of water. They still had their clothes on, the same they were just a minute ago. They swam, laughed, and had a terrific time!”)

All of the details in the story focus on the main event. Readers are pulled into the vivid scenarios, and relevant, effective details are provided to enhance the characters’ experiences. The writer succeeds in describing the circumstances and the subsequent experiences in the department store. (“Next, they went browsing and milling around the mall and stopped at the sight of a white, decorative mattress store. ‘Are you thinking what I'm thinking?’ Seth asked Gabriella. ‘Pillow fight!’ Gabriella shouted. They all rushed and deserted the hall of the mall to go into the mattress store, sprang to a good, fluffy as a feather pillow, and attacked each other. ‘You can't get me!’ Gabriella instigated Seth. ‘You can't get me either!’ Seth taunted.”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. All of the supporting details very effectively communicate the characters’ experiences. (“‘FREEZE with your hands in the air!’A cop boomed all of the sudden. ‘What did we do wrong?’Seth asked. ‘You are in a store that closed. We think you're shoplifting!’The cop looked at us like we were zany. ‘We tried to get out of the mall in time but we only had one minute!’Gabriella protested. ‘I don't want to go to jail!’Ben screamed, annoying us. ‘Those speakers don't really give a lot of warning.’The cop confirmed us. ‘I have the keys to the mall right in my pocket.’ ‘It's time to go home, guys.’Seth added. So in a few minutes, sopping, dripping, and mopping the floors without actually mopping them, they were escorted out of the mall.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the narrative. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with supporting characters that round out the narrative. The writer clearly establishes the problem in the story and provides relevant details to convey the characters’ experiences while locked in the department store. In doing so, this heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story.

The characters included in the writer’s examples are relevant and believable. (“‘FREEZE with your hands in the air!’A cop boomed all of the sudden. ‘What did we do wrong?’Seth asked. ‘You are in a store that closed. We think you're shoplifting!’The cop looked at us like we were zany. ‘We tried to get out of the mall in time but we only had one minute!’Gabriella protested. ‘I don't want to go to jail!’Ben screamed, annoying us.”)

There is very effective information about what happened before the event. In the beginning of the story, we find the friends scurrying to get out of the department store before the doors lock. (“‘The mall will be closing in one minute!’The speaker alarmed us. ‘One minute!’Gabriella screamed. ‘We have to get to the exits!’Ben hesitated. ‘Let's go!’Seth commanded. They ran swiftly, speedily, and expeditiously as fast as their legs could pump. ‘Do you think we'll make it?’Gabriella questioned. ‘I hope so!’Ben pleaded. ‘SLAM!’The doors struck shut as hard as a jail cell closes. ‘I guess we spoke too soon.’Seth exclaimed.”)

There is very effective information about what happened during the event. The writer provides relevant details about the many ways the friends kept each other occupied throughout the narrative. (“After that, they all burst, shot, and sprinted over to the stuffing machine, and creaked it open. Secondly, they all stuck their wrinkly hands into the fluffy stuffing, and poured and planted it onto the ground, and started partying. ‘This is too much fun!’ Gabriella shouted. ‘I absolutely agree!’ Ben and Gabriella screamed. They threw the stuffing in the air, flung it at each other, and jumped into the sea of stuffing. After some more minutes of having so much fun that someone could cry from having, they eventually got out of the stuffing, and saw a great, colossal, gorgeous, fountain. That fountain was glimmering, gleaming, beaming, and shining with water. ‘Do you see that huge fountain over there?’Seth asked and pointed a bony, scrawny finger over to the fountain. ‘Yes.’Gabriella answered. ‘I definitely see it!’Ben sarcastically said. ‘Let's go swimming!’ Seth bellowed.”)

Organization

Organization is very effective. The writer captures readers’ attention by providing an enticing opening to the story. The writing flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development, and the writer provides an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The story very effectively captures readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer skillfully paints a suspenseful picture of friends who suddenly realize they are locked in a department store. (“‘The mall will be closing in one minute!’The speaker alarmed us. ‘One minute!’Gabriella screamed. ‘We have to get to the exits!’Ben hesitated. ‘Let's go!’Seth commanded. They ran swiftly, speedily, and expeditiously as fast as their legs could pump. ‘Do you think we'll make it?’Gabriella questioned. ‘I hope so!’Ben pleaded. ‘SLAM!’The doors struck shut as hard as a jail cell closes. ‘I guess we spoke too soon.’Seth exclaimed.”)

Subtle transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“After the pillow fight was over, they pondered what to do. They eventually came upon an immense, beige colored, ‘Build-a- Bear Workshop.’ Next, after deciding what to do, they finally ventured into it. ‘Hey, guys!’ Seth got their undivided attention. ‘What?’ They asked in unison. ‘Do you want to have a stuffing party?’ Ben questioned like it was an ordinary thing to do.”)

The story demonstrates a very effective ending that emphasizes the moment the friends are discovered and their fears of what would happen at the end of their adventure. (“‘FREEZE with your hands in the air!’A cop boomed all of the sudden. ‘What did we do wrong?’Seth asked. ‘You are in a store that closed. We think you're shoplifting!’The cop looked at us like we were zany. ‘We tried to get out of the mall in time but we only had one minute!’Gabriella protested. ‘I don't want to go to jail!’Ben screamed, annoying us. ‘Those speakers don't really give a lot of warning.’The cop confirmed us. ‘I have the keys to the mall right in my pocket.’ ‘It's time to go home, guys.’Seth added. So in a few minutes, sopping, dripping, and mopping the floors without actually mopping them, they were escorted out of the mall.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes precise language choices to effectively illustrate the experiences of friends locked in a department store. (“ After the pillow fight was over, they pondered what to do. They eventually came upon an immense, beige colored, ‘Build-a- Bear Workshop.’ Next, after deciding what to do, they finally ventured into it. ‘Hey, guys!’ Seth got their undivided attention. ‘What?’ They asked in unison. ‘Do you want to have a stuffing party?’ Ben questioned like it was an ordinary thing to do. ‘A what?’ Seth and Gabriella asked. ‘With the stuffing that fills all the animals, do you want to have a party in it?’ Ben replied. ‘Why wouldn't we?’ After that, they all burst, shot, and sprinted over to the stuffing machine, and creaked it open.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“‘ FREEZE with your hands in the air!’A cop boomed all of the sudden. ‘What did we do wrong?’Seth asked. ‘You are in a store that closed. We think you're shoplifting!’The cop looked at us like we were zany. ‘We tried to get out of the mall in time but we only had one minute!’Gabriella protested. ‘I don't want to go to jail!’Ben screamed, annoying us.”)

There is strong voice from the writer throughout the story. Readers can feel the writer’s excitement for the possibilities presented when the friends are locked in a department store. (“ After some more minutes of having so much fun that someone could cry from having, they eventually got out of the stuffing, and saw a great, colossal, gorgeous, fountain. That fountain was glimmering, gleaming, beaming, and shining with water. ‘Do you see that huge fountain over there?’Seth asked and pointed a bony, scrawny finger over to the fountain. ‘Yes.’Gabriella answered. ‘I definitely see it!’Ben sarcastically said. ‘Let's go swimming!’Seth bellowed. ‘Are you joking?’Gabriella questioned. ‘No!’Seth answered. At that very moment, Ben, Seth, and Gabriella shot over to the fountain, and flew into the water with a huge shower of water.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, and begins with a capital letter. Also, paragraphs are indicated with line breaks, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ A few minutes later,we were worrying and pacing around in circles. ‘Everything will be fine, guys. We will look back at this time a year from now and laugh.’ Gabriella explained. ‘That's a year from now, not right at this time!’ Seth disapprovingly said. ‘We might be on the news.’ Ben uttered. ‘Look at the bright side of the situation. It will only be a few hours until the mall is open again. Also, we have the whole entire, spacious mall to ourselves!’ Gabriella explained.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

"The mall will be closing in five minutes," the manager of the mall said over the loudspeaker. Gabrielle, Kim, and Jacqueline were ignoring any announcement because they were in Aeropostale looking around at all the expensive, cool clothes in the store. "You should get this," Kim said to Gabrielle holding up a white skirt with beautiful ruffles in it. "It looks cool," Kim said. "I know that it looks cool," Gabrielle said thinking if she was going to buy it. "The mall will be closing in two minutes," the manager said over the loudspeaker again. Still, they were ignoring the loudspeaker as they were looking at all of their clothing. "Let's go to the back where all the jackets are," Jacqueline said, walking over to them. "The mall is now closed," the manager said again, as the girls heard a click that meant that the doors were locked. "Did you guys hear that?" Kim questioned. "No," the other two said. "The mall is closing!" she screamed to Jacqueline and Gabrielle. "Come on, we have to go to the front doors before they get locked!"

As they ran to the back of the mall to the front of the mall, they ran about half a mile to find out that the doors were already locked. "Look at us; we got ourselves locked in a mall for a night!" "Well, if you look on the bright side, the stores aren't locked so we can go into any one that we want to go in," Kim told the others. "That is true," Gabrielle said.

Ten minutes had passed and they had not budged because they thought that they were being watched by the manager. Finally, Jacqueline said, “Let’s go to McDonald’s because I'm starving to death," "Me too," exclaimed Gabrielle and Kim. As they walked to McDonald’s, they noticed some shops that they could stop into when they got their meals. "We can go to Hollister and Abercrombie," Jacqueline said. "We could even run a fashion show of our own. Just like on TV." Also, while they were walking, they saw a pet store, a GIANT trampoline, Sleepy's, and a fountain filled with pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters in it.

When they arrived at McDonald’s, Kim, Gabrielle and Jacqueline all made the same thing, drinks, root beer, French fries, not all that salty, and hamburgers, without ketchup. They sat down to eat and talk about what they were going to go to next. "Can we go to the pet store?" questioned Kim. "Sure" Gabrielle and Jacqueline both said. Then, when they were done, they got up and went to the pet store, Petstopia. They looked at all the animals, dogs, cats, birds, mice, gunea pigs, hamsters, snakes, fish, rats, and ferrats. "My dog looks just like that," Kim said. "All beige with black stripes like a deer, which is why her name is ..." "We know, Bambi." Gabrielle said. "You've said it enough times since you got her."

Soon it was 7:30, and they were going to go to Hollister. As they entered, they saw a lot of clothes. Jackets over there, sweaters over here sweat pants in that room and a whole bunch of other stuff. They were not so amazed at everything because they were used to those big stores with all the fancy stuff in them. There was an open hallway that no shirts, shoes or shorts were in, so that was the hallway that they used for their fashion show. "I'm first" said Kim with confidence that they would love her outfit. As she walked into the dressing room, Jacqueline and Gabrielle pretended that there were other people doing the show and they were the judges. "Yes, yes, keep walking, keep walking" Gabrielle said with laughter. "Gabrielle, what do you give for a score on that outfit. "I give it a nine and a half" she said.

Just then, Kim walked out in a white tank top with a blue shirt over top of it. Also a pair of torn up jeans and a pair of white flip-flops to top it all off. As she walked down the "runway", Gabrielle and Jacqueline cheered like they had never cheered before. Then, they gave their scores. Gabrielle said, "nine and a half" and Jacqueline said, "ten." "Thank you, thank you all!" Kim said, with the expression of someone who just won first place. "Me next" said Jacqueline. She was in the dressing room before you could say she's in the dressing room. She came out wearing a pair of jeans under a short red, sparkly dress. She didn't even have to walk down the runway before they started to cheer. "Ten!" "Ten!"

Then, it was about 9:30 and they had done a lot of activities. They went to the fountain, Sleepy's, Hollister, Petstopia, Aeropostale, the elevator, the escalator, and Abercrombie. Just then, their parents walked up to the front door with the manager at their side. They were complaining in a very loud voice. Then the manager opened the door and let the girls out. The girls and parents thanked him and went home. They got grounded because of their loss of time, but at least everyone was safe. After that incident, the manager never let it happen again.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the narrative. He/she demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story.

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are well stated. The writer focuses the narrative completely on the experiences of young girls locked in a department store. (“Ten minutes had passed and they had not budged because they thought that they were being watched by the manager. Finally, Jacqueline said, ‘Let’s go to McDonald’s because I'm starving to death,’ ‘Me too,’ exclaimed Gabrielle and Kim. As they walked to McDonald’s, they noticed some shops that they could stop into when they got their meals. ‘We can go to Hollister and Abercrombie,’ Jacqueline said. ‘We could even run a fashion show of our own. Just like on TV.’ Also, while they were walking, they saw a pet store, a GIANT trampoline, Sleepy's, and a fountain filled with pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters in it.”)

The parts of the story relate to the main event. (“When they arrived at McDonald’s, Kim, Gabrielle and Jacqueline all made the same thing, drinks, root beer, French fries, not all that salty, and hamburgers, without ketchup. They sat down to eat and talk about what they were going to go to next. ‘Can we go to the pet store?’ questioned Kim. ‘Sure’ Gabrielle and Jacqueline both said. Then, when they were done, they got up and went to the pet store, Petstopia. They looked at all the animals, dogs, cats, birds, mice, gunea pigs, hamsters, snakes, fish, rats, and ferrats.”)

The details in the story focus on the main event. The writer provides details to show how the girls spend their time locked in a department store. (“Just then, Kim walked out in a white tank top with a blue shirt over top of it. Also a pair of torn up jeans and a pair of white flip-flops to top it all off. As she walked down the ‘runway’, Gabrielle and Jacqueline cheered like they had never cheered before. Then, they gave their scores. Gabrielle said, ‘nine and a half’ and Jacqueline said, ‘ten.’ ‘Thank you, thank you all!’ Kim said, with the expression of someone who just won first place. ‘Me next’ said Jacqueline. She was in the dressing room before you could say she's in the dressing room. She came out wearing a pair of jeans under a short red, sparkly dress. She didn't even have to walk down the runway before they started to cheer. ‘Ten!’ ‘Ten!’”)

Content & Development

Details are used to develop the main events of the story effectively. The writer consistently reveals the experiences of the characters as they deal with being locked in a department store. (“Ten minutes had passed and they had not budged because they thought that they were being watched by the manager. Finally, Jacqueline said, ‘Let’s go to McDonald’s because I'm starving to death,’ ‘Me too,’ exclaimed Gabrielle and Kim. As they walked to McDonald’s, they noticed some shops that they could stop into when they got their meals. ‘We can go to Hollister and Abercrombie,’ Jacqueline said. ‘We could even run a fashion show of our own. Just like on TV.’ Also, while they were walking, they saw a pet store, a GIANT trampoline, Sleepy's, and a fountain filled with pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters in it.”)

The setting is effectively developed with details. (“ When they arrived at McDonald’s, Kim, Gabrielle and Jacqueline all made the same thing, drinks, root beer, French fries, not all that salty, and hamburgers, without ketchup. They sat down to eat and talk about what they were going to go to next. ‘Can we go to the pet store?’ questioned Kim. ‘Sure’ Gabrielle and Jacqueline both said. Then, when they were done, they got up and went to the pet store, Petstopia. They looked at all the animals, dogs, cats, birds, mice, gunea pigs, hamsters, snakes, fish, rats, and ferrats.”)

The plot is effectively developed. (“Soon it was 7:30, and they were going to go to Hollister. As they entered, they saw a lot of clothes. Jackets over there, sweaters over here sweat pants in that room and a whole bunch of other stuff. They were not so amazed at everything because they were used to those big stores with all the fancy stuff in them. There was an open hallway that no shirts, shoes or shorts were in, so that was the hallway that they used for their fashion show. ‘I'm first’ said Kim with confidence that they would love her outfit. As she walked into the dressing room, Jacqueline and Gabrielle pretended that there were other people doing the show and they were the judges. ‘Yes, yes, keep walking, keep walking’ Gabrielle said with laughter. ‘Gabrielle, what do you give for a score on that outfit. ‘I give it a nine and a half ‘she said.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas and events is good throughout the narrative. The opening of the story excites readers to continue reading. The writing flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. The ending provides readers with a sense of completeness.

The story effectively captures readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ Still, they were ignoring the loudspeaker as they were looking at all of their clothing. ‘Let's go to the back where all the jackets are,’ Jacqueline said, walking over to them. ‘The mall is now closed,’ the manager said again, as the girls heard a click that meant that the doors were locked. ‘Did you guys hear that?’ Kim questioned. ‘No,’ the other two said. ‘The mall is closing!’ she screamed to Jacqueline and Gabrielle. ‘Come on, we have to go to the front doors before they get locked!’”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. The writer should attempt to incorporate more effective transitions to promote the flow of the story. (“ Just then, Kim walked out in a white tank top with a blue shirt over top of it. Also a pair of torn up jeans and a pair of white flip-flops to top it all off. As she walked down the ‘runway’, Gabrielle and Jacqueline cheered like they had never cheered before. Then, they gave their scores.”)

The story includes an ending that gives readers a sense of completeness. (“ Then, it was about 9:30 and they had done a lot of activities. They went to the fountain, Sleepy's, Hollister, Petstopia, Aeropostale, the elevator, the escalator, and Abercrombie. Just then, their parents walked up to the front door with the manager at their side. They were complaining in a very loud voice. Then the manager opened the door and let the girls out. The girls and parents thanked him and went home. They got grounded because of their loss of time, but at least everyone was safe. After that incident, the manager never let it happen again.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good language use, voice, and style throughout the narrative. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with good voice and a strong sense of audience. There are also well-structured sentences with some variety .

Language and tone are consistent. (“‘ The mall will be closing in two minutes,’ the manager said over the loudspeaker again. Still, they were ignoring the loudspeaker as they were looking at all of their clothing. ‘Let's go to the back where all the jackets are,’ Jacqueline said, walking over to them. ‘The mall is now closed,’ the manager said again, as the girls heard a click that meant that the doors were locked. ‘Did you guys hear that?’ Kim questioned. ‘No,’ the other two said. ‘The mall is closing!’ she screamed to Jacqueline and Gabrielle. ‘Come on, we have to go to the front doors before they get locked!’”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the story. (“ Ten minutes had passed and they had not budged because they thought that they were being watched by the manager. Finally, Jacqueline said, ‘Let’s go to McDonald’s because I'm starving to death,’ ‘Me too, ‘exclaimed Gabrielle and Kim. As they walked to McDonald’s, they noticed some shops that they could stop into when they got their meals. ‘We can go to Hollister and Abercrombie,’ Jacqueline said. ‘We could even run a fashion show of our own. Just like on TV.’ Also, while they were walking, they saw a pet store, a GIANT trampoline, Sleepy's, and a fountain filled with pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters in it.”)

The writer employs good word choices to convey the many activities the girls participated in while locked in the department store. (“‘ Thank you, thank you all!’ Kim said, with the expression of someone who just won first place. ‘Me next’ said Jacqueline. She was in the dressing room before you could say she's in the dressing room. She came out wearing a pair of jeans under a short red, sparkly dress. She didn't even have to walk down the runway before they started to cheer. ‘Ten!’ ‘Ten!’”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits good control of mechanics and conventions throughout the narrative. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“ They looked at all the animals, dogs, cats, birds, mice, gunea pigs, hamsters, snakes, fish, rats, and ferrats. ‘My dog looks just like that,’ Kim said. ‘All beige with black stripes like a deer, which is why her name is ...’ ‘We know, Bambi.’ Gabrielle said. ‘You've said it enough times since you got her.’”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Imagine you go to the mall with some of your friends to hangout, and you find this really cool store that has everything that you think is awesome. You are having so much fun that you lose track of time, none of you hear the notification that the store closes in five minutes. When you finally try to leave, the door will not open and you realize you are locked in a department store.

The day started out nicely. I woke up and had a nice breakfast of eggs, toast, and bacon, my favorite; my mouth was watering like a faucet left on. I was wondering why a special breakfast was made but then it hit me, it was my birthday. I do not know how I forgot but that explained why there was a big breakfast. “Happy Birthday!" My mom said “We are going to buy some new shoes and stuff later, so get ready!" When we get to the store, there was literally everything from shoes to computers.

I was so caught up in all of the cool things that I never noticed what time it was. By the time I checked, it was almost closing time. I ran to the door as fast as I could. As I went to turn the handle, it didn't move; it stayed in place like a statue. I realized I was locked in! My heart started to race and I started to panic. But I knew I had to wait until morning, so I should make the best of my time. The good thing was that the power still worked so I headed over to the televisions and put in a movie, ate some popcorn, although I was still afraid. I knew there was more fun to be had, so I headed over to the bikes and took the coolest bike I could find: black with white stripes. I rode all around the store doing wheelies and bunny hops.

I was having so much fun that I never wanted to leave. During my childhood, my mother was so protective. I wasn't able to leave the house to ride my bike unless I was covered in bubble wrap. I would feel like a human burrito. But here, in this moment, I was free, as free as a bird. As I rode down the aisles, I felt the air conditioning blow through my hair. I knew that I would have the most fun here than I've had in my entire life. Once I was done riding the bike, I headed over to the book department where they had the newest and the top-selling books. They even had my favorite book, Green Eggs and Ham.

Next, I headed over to the toy section and I took out the largest dart gun I could find, I set up multiple targets and just kept shooting darts all over the place. As daylight was approaching, I knew I had to clean up, so I found the scissor lift, found all the darts, and repackaged all of the toys. I put back the DVD and the bike. I waited in in one of the cloths racks until the store opened so I could exit without raising suspicion.

When I got home, my mom gave me a big hug and cried, "I was so worried about you!" Although on the inside I was thinking, "I wasn't really worried; I just had the most fun I've had in years.”

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer states the main event of the story adequately. (“Imagine you go to the mall with some of your friends to hangout, and you find this really cool store that has everything that you think is awesome. You are having so much fun that you lose track of time, none of you hear the notification that the store closes in five minutes. When you finally try to leave, the door will not open and you realize you are locked in a department store.”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“I realized I was locked in! My heart started to race and I started to panic. But I knew I had to wait until morning, so I should make the best of my time. The good thing was that the power still worked so I headed over to the televisions and put in a movie, ate some popcorn, although I was still afraid. I knew there was more fun to be had, so I headed over to the bikes and took the coolest bike I could find: black with white stripes. I rode all around the store doing wheelies and bunny hops.”)

Details in the story focus on the main event. (“I was having so much fun that I never wanted to leave. During my childhood, my mother was so protective. I wasn't able to leave the house to ride my bike unless I was covered in bubble wrap. I would feel like a human burrito. But here, in this moment, I was free, as free as a bird. As I rode down the aisles, I felt the air conditioning blow through my hair. I knew that I would have the most fun here than I've had in my entire life. Once I was done riding the bike, I headed over to the book department where they had the newest and the top-selling books. They even had my favorite book, Green Eggs and Ham.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate in the narrative. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting with relevant and believable characters. The sequential events hold readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. The writer shares characters’ thoughts through the use of some dialogue.

The writer’s use of dialogue in the narrative is adequate. (“I was wondering why a special breakfast was made but then it hit me, it was my birthday. I do not know how I forgot but that explained why there was a big breakfast. ‘Happy Birthday!’ My mom said ‘We are going to buy some new shoes and stuff later, so get ready!’ When we get to the store, there was literally everything from shoes to computers.”)

The writer provides adequate details that all relate to the main event. (“I was having so much fun that I never wanted to leave. During my childhood, my mother was so protective. I wasn't able to leave the house to ride my bike unless I was covered in bubble wrap. I would feel like a human burrito. But here, in this moment, I was free, as free as a bird. As I rode down the aisles, I felt the air conditioning blow through my hair. I knew that I would have the most fun here than I've had in my entire life. Once I was done riding the bike, I headed over to the book department where they had the newest and the top-selling books. They even had my favorite book, Green Eggs and Ham.”)

The writer provides descriptive details that allow readers to imagine the scenario in their minds. (“Next, I headed over to the toy section and I took out the largest dart gun I could find, I set up multiple targets and just kept shooting darts all over the place. As daylight was approaching, I knew I had to clean up, so I found the scissor lift, found all the darts, and repackaged all of the toys. I put back the DVD and the bike. I waited in in one of the cloths racks until the store opened so I could exit without raising suspicion.”)

Organization

The beginning demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by asking them to imagine the scenario of being locked in a department store. (“ Imagine you go to the mall with some of your friends to hangout, and you find this really cool store that has everything that you think is awesome. You are having so much fun that you lose track of time, none of you hear the notification that the store closes in five minutes. When you finally try to leave, the door will not open and you realize you are locked in a department store.”)

The writer needs to use effective transitions to connect events in the story. By incorporating transitions throughout the narrative, the writer can assist the readers by carrying the story’s events to their ultimate conclusion. (“Next, I headed over to the toy section and I took out the largest dart gun I could find, I set up multiple targets and just kept shooting darts all over the place. As daylight was approaching, I knew I had to clean up, so I found the scissor lift, found all the darts, and repackaged all of the toys.”)

The story comes to a very abrupt end but gives readers a sense of closure. (“ When I got home, my mom gave me a big hug and cried, ‘I was so worried about you!’ Although on the inside I was thinking, ‘I wasn't really worried; I just had the most fun I've had in years.’”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ I was so caught up in all of the cool things that I never noticed what time it was. By the time I checked, it was almost closing time. I ran to the door as fast as I could. As I went to turn the handle, it didn't move; it stayed in place like a statue. I realized I was locked in!”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the narrative. The writer provides language that adequately describes the character’s experiences being locked in a department store. (“ I was having so much fun that I never wanted to leave. During my childhood, my mother was so protective. I wasn't able to leave the house to ride my bike unless I was covered in bubble wrap. I would feel like a human burrito. But here, in this moment, I was free, as free as a bird. As I rode down the aisles, I felt the air conditioning blow through my hair. I knew that I would have the most fun here than I've had in my entire life. Once I was done riding the bike, I headed over to the book department where they had the newest and the top-selling books. They even had my favorite book, Green Eggs and Ham.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the story. (“ I was so caught up in all of the cool things that I never noticed what time it was. By the time I checked, it was almost closing time. I ran to the door as fast as I could. As I went to turn the handle, it didn't move; it stayed in place like a statue. I realized I was locked in! My heart started to race and I started to panic. But I knew I had to wait until morning, so I should make the best of my time. The good thing was that the power still worked so I headed over to the televisions and put in a movie, ate some popcorn, although I was still afraid. I knew there was more fun to be had, so I headed over to the bikes and took the coolest bike I could find: black with white stripes. I rode all around the store doing wheelies and bunny hops.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

This boring dull birthday became an exciting adventure at the mall. I went to the mall with a girl named Lesly to buy an outfit for my party for the next day. Lesly told me that we should look at the cute clothes. I was about to try on some tops when the security guard told us that they were closing in 20 minutes. So we started putting the clothes back when the lights when off so we started to head for the door when Lesly tried to open the door but it would not bugde. Lesly found an emergency switch we pulled it together and the lights came on.

I started to panic but stoped because I heard laughing Lesly and me went running to find out who or what was laughing. The people who laughing were Ana and Brenda. Lesly and I yelled hey what are you doing here? They both screamed in surprise very loud. I said to them oh my gosh you're here to? I said this is so cool !

When we started to put on some more fabulous sunglasses a security guard came so we hid in clothes the security guard did not find us and we said whoo that was close! After that we were getting hungry and wanted a pretzel and a Slushie. Thank fully Lesly knew how to make pretzels. So we ate and then all of us went to the movies in the mall and watched the movie. During the film we fell asleep sitting on the movie seats. When we woke up the lights were on and the security guard was coming. So we called are parents and they were very relieved and dissapointed with us. Ana, Brenda ,Lesly and me were never going to stay over night at the mall again.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in the narrative are limited. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides limited descriptions and details that may not give readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The writer states the main event of the story in a very limited way. (“This boring dull birthday became an exciting adventure at the mall. I went to the mall with a girl named Lesly to buy an outfit for my party for the next day. Lesly told me that we should look at the cute clothes. I was about to try on some tops when the security guard told us that they were closing in 20 minutes. So we started putting the clothes back when the lights when off so we started to head for the door when Lesly tried to open the door but it would not bugde.”)

The focus in the narrative is limited. The writer focuses limited details on the initial experiences that lead the girls to be locked in the department store, as well as the experiences during and after the main event. (“Thank fully Lesly knew how to make pretzels. So we ate and then all of us went to the movies in the mall and watched the movie. During the film we fell asleep sitting on the movie seats.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the narrative. He/she mentions some of the girls’ activities during the event but should provide more relevant details so readers will be able to fully appreciate the story unfolding in his/her mind. (“When we started to put on some more fabulous sunglasses a security guard came so we hid in clothes the security guard did not find us and we said whoo that was close! After that we were getting hungry and wanted a pretzel and a Slushie.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The narrative reveals a very limited plot, setting, and characters and lacks sufficient details to make this more than a summary of characters in an unusual predicament. The writer discusses some of the events that occur while the characters are locked in a department store but does not fully develop the experiences in the story. The writer implements only a limited use of dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Although the writer provides brief information to state the purpose of the narrative, limited details are used to develop the main events of the story. (“When we started to put on some more fabulous sunglasses a security guard came so we hid in clothes the security guard did not find us and we said whoo that was close! After that we were getting hungry and wanted a pretzel and a Slushie. Thank fully Lesly knew how to make pretzels. So we ate and then all of us went to the movies in the mall and watched the movie.”)

The details about characters in the story are limited. The writer introduces supporting characters into the narrative but does not describe them in any way. (“I went to the mall with a girl named Lesly to buy an outfit for my party for the next day. Lesly told me that we should look at the cute clothes. I was about to try on some tops when the security guard told us that they were closing in 20 minutes.”)

The writer does not implement sufficient use of dialogue in the narrative. By including dialogue, the writer can share the thoughts of characters in the story. (“I started to panic but stoped because I heard laughing Lesly and me went running to find out who or what was laughing. The people who laughing were Ana and Brenda. Lesly and I yelled hey what are you doing here? They both screamed in surprise very loud. I said to them oh my gosh you're here to? I said this is so cool !”)

Organization

There is limited organization of main ideas and supporting details in the narrative. The writer provides an opening that may hold readers’ attention. The flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Subtle transitions are evident, but they may be weak. The writer provides readers with a limited sense of closure.

The beginning of the narrative attempts to grab readers’ attention in a way that would entice them to continue reading. The writer creates an initial scenario that outlines the girls’ problem while shopping at the mall. (“ This boring dull birthday became an exciting adventure at the mall. I went to the mall with a girl named Lesly to buy an outfit for my party for the next day. Lesly told me that we should look at the cute clothes. I was about to try on some tops when the security guard told us that they were closing in 20 minutes. So we started putting the clothes back when the lights when off so we started to head for the door when Lesly tried to open the door but it would not bugde. Lesly found an emergency switch we pulled it together and the lights came on.”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story and lead readers through the narrative. (“ When we started to put on some more fabulous sunglasses a security guard came so we hid in clothes the security guard did not find us and we said whoo that was close! After that we were getting hungry and wanted a pretzel and a Slushie.”)

The writer provides an ending that gives the readers a limited sense of closure. (“ When we woke up the lights were on and the security guard was coming. So we called are parents and they were very relieved and dissapointed with us. Ana, Brenda ,Lesly and me were never going to stay over night at the mall again.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are short. The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the story more interesting to the intended audience. (“ This boring dull birthday became an exciting adventure at the mall. I went to the mall with a girl named Lesly to buy an outfit for my party for the next day. Lesly told me that we should look at the cute clothes.”)

Oftentimes, the writer uses the same words within sentences. (“ I started to panic but stoped because I heard laughing Lesly and me went running to find out who or what was laughing. The people who laughing were Ana and Brenda.”)

The sentences are too informal and word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“ I said to them oh my gosh you're here to? I said this is so cool !”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, and begins with a capital letter. New paragraphs should be indicated with line breaks, and the writer should check for correct spelling of words while ensuring proper usage of words within the context of sentences. (“So we started putting the clothes back when the lights when off so we started to head for the door when Lesly tried to open the door but it would not bugde. Lesly found an emergency switch we pulled it together and the lights came on. I started to panic but stoped because I heard laughing Lesly and me went running to find out who or what was laughing.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

Gabrielle, and her two friends Danielle and Chealsy are locked in Walmart so we wandered off to the toy section than we went to the hunting section then we got a little hungry so we went to subway. We were all ridding bikes and playing with toy's. Then at the hunting section we were all looking at targets and the deer hanging off the wall. Then at subway we made as three extra large sand which with every thing on it and got cookies.

We got caught by a surveillance camera and then we had to tell our moms and dads. My mom and dad dint react very well because I was home late and they had to bey some toys because we broke them.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the narrative. He/she demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The narrative does not satisfy most of the elements of the prompt task.

The story only minimally states the main event. (“Gabrielle, and her two friends Danielle and Chealsy are locked in Walmart so we wandered off to the toy section than we went to the hunting section then we got a little hungry so we went to subway.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give readers a true sense of the characters’ experiences while locked in the department store. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“Then at the hunting section we were all looking at targets and the deer hanging off the wall. Then at subway we made as three extra large sand which with every thing on it and got cookies.”)

The writer’s details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“We got caught by a surveillance camera and then we had to tell our moms and dads. My mom and dad dint react very well because I was home late and they had to bey some toys because we broke them.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are introduced but not developed. The narrative may include details and/or information that detract from the story. The story lacks tension or conflict to make it interesting. Little to no dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Only minimal details are used to develop the main events of the story. The plot is only minimally developed. The writer briefly addresses the experiences in the department store, but these ideas are not developed in a way that enhances the writer’s message. (“We were all ridding bikes and playing with toy's. Then at the hunting section we were all looking at targets and the deer hanging off the wall. Then at subway we made as three extra large sand which with every thing on it and got cookies.”)

The writer does not provide a narrative that includes a detailed setting or characters. There are no descriptions of the setting, and the writer does not attempt to describe the characters in any way. (“Gabrielle, and her two friends Danielle and Chealsy are locked in Walmart so we wandered off to the toy section than we went to the hunting section then we got a little hungry so we went to subway. We were all ridding bikes and playing with toy's.”)

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is not employed in the narrative. (“We got caught by a surveillance camera and then we had to tell our moms and dads. My mom and dad dint react very well because I was home late and they had to bey some toys because we broke them.”)

Organization

Organization is minimal. The writer provides an opening that minimally reveals the theme of the story. The flow of the story is very difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. Furthermore, the narrative demonstrates little evidence of a strong ending.

The story attempts to grab readers’ attention in the beginning; however, the rambling nature of ideas creates a rushed response to the prompt task. (“ Gabrielle, and her two friends Danielle and Chealsy are locked in Walmart so we wandered off to the toy section than we went to the hunting section then we got a little hungry so we went to subway. We were all ridding bikes and playing with toy's.”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. By including more effective transitions, the writer can create an effective flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence. (“ Then at the hunting section we were all looking at targets and the deer hanging off the wall. Then at subway we made as three extra large sand which with every thing on it and got cookies.”)

The story minimally demonstrates an ending. The narrative fails to reveal insightful lessons the main character may have learned through the experiences in the story, and it does not attempt to leave readers with too much to think about once the story is over. (“ We got caught by a surveillance camera and then we had to tell our moms and dads. My mom and dad dint react very well because I was home late and they had to bey some toys because we broke them.”)

Language Use & Style

Exact words are missing, and errors in syntax are evident. These errors impede the readers’ ability to follow the writer’s narrative with understanding. (“ Then at subway we made as three extra large sand which with every thing on it and got cookies.”)

There are run-on sentences in the narrative. The writer needs to phrase ideas in an effective way to clearly communicate events throughout the narrative. (“ Gabrielle, and her two friends Danielle and Chealsy are locked in Walmart so we wandered off to the toy section than we went to the hunting section then we got a little hungry so we went to subway.”)

Language is simple and repetitive. Word choices and sentence structure do not effectively communicate the writer’s story to the intended audience. (“ My mom and dad dint react very well because I was home late and they had to bey some toys because we broke them.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the narrative exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphs with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized, sequential story. (“Gabrielle, and her two friends Danielle and Chealsy are locked in Walmart so we wandered off to the toy section than we went to the hunting section then we got a little hungry so we went to subway. We were all ridding bikes and playing with toy's.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

If I was locked in department I will try calling the police if that won't work i will start to kick for them to come and help me.i will try to brake down the door and i will play the game and wait for them to come and help. i got platstation3. i will brake the window. and try to jump out of it. it might be hot. they should send a inmerency ladderup. for to clim out of it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is stated, but the writer does not focus details to elaborate on the main theme. (“ If I was locked in department I will try calling the police if that won't work i will start to kick for them to come and help me.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of intended audience. (“it might be hot. they should send a inmerency ladderup. for to clim out of it.”)

The writer does not provide details that satisfy the purpose of the task. (“i will try to brake down the door and i will play the game and wait for them to come and help. i got platstation3.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer does not provide an identifiable plot and setting. Characters are vaguely introduced and not developed. The lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow; in other words, not much happens.

The setting is not developed. Providing details about the characters’ surroundings helps readers imagine the scene in his/her mind. (“ If I was locked in department I will try calling the police if that won't work i will start to kick for them to come and help me.”)

The writer mentions a main character in the story, but he/she is not developed in any way. (“i will try to brake down the door and i will play the game and wait for them to come and help. i got platstation3.”)

There is no dialogue that reveals what the character may think or say aloud. (“i will brake the window. and try to jump out of it. it might be hot. they should send a inmerency ladderup. for to clim out of it.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the narrative is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning because it does not clearly focus on telling a story that would reveal, in great detail, a time when the character(s) got locked in a department store. (“ If I was locked in department I will try calling the police if that won't work i will start to kick for them to come and help me.”)

Events are not clearly in order. There are significant gaps in time and sequence that hinder the flow of events in the story. (“ i got platstation3. i will brake the window.”)

The story includes no identifiable ending that summarizes the theme of the prompt task. (“ it might be hot. they should send a inmerency ladderup. for to clim out of it.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is inadequate in the narrative. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and noticeable errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are incorrect word choices employed within the context of some sentences. (“ i will brake the window.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ they should send a inmerency ladderup. for to clim out of it.”)

There is no style reflected on the part of the writer in terms of word choices, organization, or sentence structure. (“If I was locked in department I will try calling the police if that won't work i will start to kick for them to come and help me.i will try to brake down the door and i will play the game and wait for them to come and help.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Only Ten Inches Tall

What would happen if you woke up and discovered that you were only 10 inches tall? How did you become so small? How did you spend your day? What did you do? Where did you go? What were some problems you faced as a small person? How did it feel to be so small? How did you return to your normal size?

Write a story about your day as a really small person in a way that allows the reader to understand what it feels like to be a tiny person in a giant world.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

When a comet passed over our house, I was still thinking of my favorite book, The Tiny, a story about a family of tiny people that were the size of dolls. I wondered how it would feel if I was a miniature kid, shorter than a foot. I wished that when I woke up the next morning, I wouldn't be my size anymore, but a person shrunk to the size of a ruler.

The next morning, the bed seemed awfully big, which was strange. I was outgrowing my bed and my feet were supposed to be dangling over the edge. I sat up and tried to push the blanket away. It seemed oddly heavy and noticeably suffocating. When I finally shoved it away, I felt tired, like that simple task wiped out all of my strength. I swung my legs and feet towards the edge of my bed. I tried to put my feet on the ground, but I couldn't seem to make contact with the hard surface beneath me. I thought, "That's funny, did my bed grow taller? Did everything grow bigger, like my blanket?" I finally jumped out of bed and landed painfully on my feet. I looked up and saw the room looking bigger, like it had stretched or the alternative, which was that I had shrunk. I thought back to my wish and asked myself, "Could it really have happened? Did I really shrink down to the size of a doll?" My ruler was lying on the floor, so I went forward and pulled it up. I leaned next to the ruler and tried to see how tall I was. It showed ten inches.

"Ten inches," I exclaimed, "how did it happen?" I started panicking and then moved on to hyperventilating. I couldn't be ten inches in height; it was impossible! I must still be in peaceful slumber and dreaming right now. I finally calmed down when a new thought entered my head. I said to myself, "Why don't you explore the house and see things in the point of view as a doll-sized person would? You can see how it feels to be small. It will also be fun to swim in the sink as if it was a swimming pool." That cheered me up immensely.

After I came out of the bathroom, I climbed down the stairs and into the kitchen. My mom was cooking breakfast and it smelled like sausages. She started humming and dancing around the floor. I stood near the table leg and stared up, watching her. I was so intently focused on her, that I didn't notice my dad coming in and pulling up a chair right next to me. His shoes were right above me and if I hadn't shifted to the left just a millimeter, I would've been squashed already. Scared, I ran back to my room. I was lucky that it was a holiday and we didn't have any school, otherwise, I would be explaining to my parents why I couldn't go to school.

So, maybe exploring the house wasn't such a good idea after all. But, I knew a better place to go, the park. I walked over to the park, making sure that I was aware, so that no one would step on me. It was really cool; I never knew that everything looked so big and tall. When I got to the park, I saw that a dog was staring at me. I thought, "Uh oh." The tenacious dog barked and started running after me. I ran away, running like I never did before. The dog finally gave up after he chased me around the park twice. I paused, catching my breath. That was one reason being small was such a pain. I gave up on the park and decided to just go back home. While walking home, I felt an urgent need to change back to my usual five feet height. I didn't want to live the rest of my life as a miniature doll, even smaller than a three-year-old.

When I got back home, it was already dark and menacing outside. I climbed into bed and hoped that when I awoke the next morning, I would be my normal size. That night, I had a dream. I dreamed that something was pulling and stretching me, like salt water taffy at the seashore. In the morning, I saw everything was back to normal and no one was the wiser. I would probably have to explain to my parents where I was all day yesterday, but, I never felt happier to be at a normal size after shrinking down to ten inches. You won't hear me making wishes out loud, well, at least until the next time!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay response. Throughout the narrative, the writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer uses descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story. The writer reflectively showcases specific experiences a person could have if he/she woke up one morning and was unexpectedly ten inches tall.

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. The writer artfully reveals his/her initial reaction to being small, along with some creative adventures, and finally how the main character is restored to normal size. (“I thought, ‘That's funny, did my bed grow taller? Did everything grow bigger, like my blanket?’ I finally jumped out of bed and landed painfully on my feet. I looked up and saw the room looking bigger, like it had stretched or the alternative, which was that I had shrunk. I thought back to my wish and asked myself, ‘Could it really have happened? Did I really shrink down to the size of a doll?’ My ruler was lying on the floor, so I went forward and pulled it up. I leaned next to the ruler and tried to see how tall I was. It showed ten inches.”)

All of the details in the story focus on the main event. The writer includes some funny moments where being small generated a few close calls. (“My mom was cooking breakfast and it smelled like sausages. She started humming and dancing around the floor. I stood near the table leg and stared up, watching her. I was so intently focused on her, that I didn't notice my dad coming in and pulling up a chair right next to me. His shoes were right above me and if I hadn't shifted to the left just a millimeter, I would've been squashed already. Scared, I ran back to my room.”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. All of the writer’s supporting details very effectively communicate the writer’s experiences navigating through a large world in such a small body. (“It was really cool; I never knew that everything looked so big and tall. When I got to the park, I saw that a dog was staring at me. I thought, ‘Uh oh.’The tenacious dog barked and started running after me. I ran away, running like I never did before. The dog finally gave up after he chased me around the park twice. I paused, catching my breath. That was one reason being small was such a pain. I gave up on the park and decided to just go back home.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay response. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with supporting characters that round out the narrative. The writer clearly establishes a build up to the resolution of a day spent being ten inches tall.

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is effectively developed. When the main character realizes that he/she really did shrink during the night, the readers can hear the panic building within the character through the use of dialogue. The readers also get to hear how the character calms down after the discovery as well. (“’Ten inches,’ I exclaimed, ‘how did it happen?’I started panicking and then moved on to hyperventilating. I couldn't be ten inches in height; it was impossible! I must still be in peaceful slumber and dreaming right now. I finally calmed down when a new thought entered my head. I said to myself, ‘Why don't you explore the house and see things in the point of view as a doll-sized person would? You can see how it feels to be small. It will also be fun to swim in the sink as if it was a swimming pool.’ That cheered me up immensely.”)

There is very effective information about what happened during the event. (“The next morning, the bed seemed awfully big, which was strange. I was outgrowing my bed and my feet were supposed to be dangling over the edge. I sat up and tried to push the blanket away. It seemed oddly heavy and noticeably suffocating. When I finally shoved it away, I felt tired, like that simple task wiped out all of my strength. I swung my legs and feet towards the edge of my bed. I tried to put my feet on the ground, but I couldn't seem to make contact with the hard surface beneath me. I thought, ‘That's funny, did my bed grow taller? Did everything grow bigger, like my blanket?’ I finally jumped out of bed and landed painfully on my feet. I looked up and saw the room looking bigger, like it had stretched or the alternative, which was that I had shrunk. I thought back to my wish and asked myself, ‘Could it really have happened? Did I really shrink down to the size of a doll?’ My ruler was lying on the floor, so I went forward and pulled it up. I leaned next to the ruler and tried to see how tall I was. It showed ten inches.”)

The writer refers back to details from the beginning of the story to wrap up the narrative in the end. (“When a comet passed over our house, I was still thinking of my favorite book, The Tiny, a story about a family of tiny people that were the size of dolls. I wondered how it would feel if I was a miniature kid, shorter than a foot. I wished that when I woke up the next morning, I wouldn't be my size anymore, but a person shrunk to the size of a ruler… In the morning, I saw everything was back to normal and no one was the wiser. I would probably have to explain to my parents where I was all day yesterday, but, I never felt happier to be at a normal size after shrinking down to ten inches. You won't hear me making wishes out loud, well, at least until the next time!”)

Organization

The story very effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer skillfully paints a picture of a curious child who wonders how it would feel to be a miniature kid, the size of a doll, just like the characters he/she learned about in a favorite book. (“When a comet passed over our house, I was still thinking of my favorite book, The Tiny, a story about a family of tiny people that were the size of dolls. I wondered how it would feel if I was a miniature kid, shorter than a foot. I wished that when I woke up the next morning, I wouldn't be my size anymore, but a person shrunk to the size of a ruler.”)

Transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“While walking home, I felt an urgent need to change back to my usual five feet height. I didn't want to live the rest of my life as a miniature doll, even smaller than a three-year-old. When I got back home, it was already dark and menacing outside. I climbed into bed and hoped that when I awoke the next morning, I would be my normal size. That night, I had a dream.”)

The story demonstrates a very effective ending, emphasizing the problem’s resolution, how the narrator feels, and what may have been learned from the experience. (“When I got back home, it was already dark and menacing outside. I climbed into bed and hoped that when I awoke the next morning, I would be my normal size. That night, I had a dream. I dreamed that something was pulling and stretching me, like salt water taffy at the seashore. In the morning, I saw everything was back to normal and no one was the wiser. I would probably have to explain to my parents where I was all day yesterday, but, I never felt happier to be at a normal size after shrinking down to ten inches. You won't hear me making wishes out loud, well, at least until the next time!”)

Language Use & Style

The writer chooses descriptive words to effectively illustrate the scenes. In doing so, readers are invited to picture each scene, as the writer discovers what it is like to spend the day as a small person. (“ So, maybe exploring the house wasn't such a good idea after all. But, I knew a better place to go, the park. I walked over to the park, making sure that I was aware, so that no one would step on me. It was really cool; I never knew that everything looked so big and tall. When I got to the park, I saw that a dog was staring at me. I thought, ‘Uh oh.’ The tenacious dog barked and started running after me. I ran away, running like I never did before. The dog finally gave up after he chased me around the park twice. I paused, catching my breath. That was one reason being small was such a pain.”)

The writer’s coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling theme of the story. (“ ’Ten inches,’ I exclaimed, ‘how did it happen?’ I started panicking and then moved on to hyperventilating. I couldn't be ten inches in height; it was impossible! I must still be in peaceful slumber and dreaming right now. I finally calmed down when a new thought entered my head. I said to myself, ‘Why don't you explore the house and see things in the point of view as a doll-sized person would? You can see how it feels to be small. It will also be fun to swim in the sink as if it was a swimming pool.’ That cheered me up immensely.”)

There is strong voice from the writer throughout the story. Readers can feel the excitement and panic as the narrator navigates through a large world with no one around to help him/her. (“ I tried to put my feet on the ground, but I couldn't seem to make contact with the hard surface beneath me. I thought, ‘That's funny, did my bed grow taller? Did everything grow bigger, like my blanket?’ I finally jumped out of bed and landed painfully on my feet. I looked up and saw the room looking bigger, like it had stretched or the alternative, which was that I had shrunk. I thought back to my wish and asked myself, ‘Could it really have happened? Did I really shrink down to the size of a doll?’ My ruler was lying on the floor, so I went forward and pulled it up. I leaned next to the ruler and tried to see how tall I was. It showed ten inches.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions in the essay response. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ I started panicking and then moved on to hyperventilating. I couldn't be ten inches in height; it was impossible! I must still be in peaceful slumber and dreaming right now. I finally calmed down when a new thought entered my head. I said to myself, ‘Why don't you explore the house and see things in the point of view as a doll-sized person would? You can see how it feels to be small. It will also be fun to swim in the sink as if it was a swimming pool.’ That cheered me up immensely.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

I woke up in my bed and smiled. It was 4:30, but I woke up early for a reason. All my days had been hard and stressful. I just had a feeling this was going to be the best day ever! I went downstairs and found my brother in his lab creating potions and mixes. I was his tester only because he always had an antidote. "Here, try this," he said to me. I grabbed the sparkling purple liquid from him and drank it all down. Then, my body shook. All of a sudden, I was falling! Well, I wasn't really falling. I was actually shrinking!

"What!" I cried. My voice was small and squeaky. My brother got a ruler from his desk and measured me. "Wow! Less than an inch!" he hollered. I got angry. "Give me the antidote now!" I said. "Uh, oh!" he said. "I think I forgot." I went out the back door taking with me a string and a magnet just in case. I kept on having to jump over sticks and small piles of dirt. If I was bigger, I could have crushed them easily. This was turning out to be the worst day ever!

Now, I had to jump over the fence, but how? A light bulb flashed in my head. I carefully tied the string to the magnet. The magnet was heavy, so it would be able to hold my weight. I threw the magnet over the fence as I held on tight to the other end of the string. Then I started pulling myself up. After that, I hopped down onto a bed of soft leaves. I was just beginning my journey.

I was getting tangled up in the grass. Suddenly, a praying mantis approached me. I quickly untangled myself and ran away, dodging ants. I sat down on a leaf to rest. At least I thought it was a leaf! The leaf was actually a big green grasshopper. It looked at me closely with its big beady eyes. It turned out to be very curious. I jumped onto its back as it bounced away. As I rode it, I started to get a lonely feeling. I even felt kind of sad. The grasshopper stopped at my house. The door was open, and I went inside.

"I've got it! I've got it!" my brother yelled. The antidote was a murky blue color with small yellow balls the size of a grain of sand. I dipped my hand in and got a handful with a couple yellow balls. "I hope this works!" I yelled. I shoved it into my mouth. Moments later, I was back to normal size again. "Thank you so much!" I yelled. Then I gave him a BIG hug.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are stated well. (“I woke up in my bed and smiled. It was 4:30, but I woke up early for a reason. All my days had been hard and stressful. I just had a feeling this was going to be the best day ever! I went downstairs and found my brother in his lab creating potions and mixes. I was his tester only because he always had an antidote. ‘Here, try this,’ he said to me. I grabbed the sparkling purple liquid from him and drank it all down. Then, my body shook. All of a sudden, I was falling! Well, I wasn't really falling. I was actually shrinking!”)

The parts of the story relate to the main event. (“I was getting tangled up in the grass. Suddenly, a praying mantis approached me. I quickly untangled myself and ran away, dodging ants. I sat down on a leaf to rest. At least I thought it was a leaf! The leaf was actually a big green grasshopper. It looked at me closely with its big beady eyes. It turned out to be very curious. I jumped onto its back as it bounced away. As I rode it, I started to get a lonely feeling. I even felt kind of sad. The grasshopper stopped at my house.”)

Details in the story focus on the main event. (“Now, I had to jump over the fence, but how? A light bulb flashed in my head. I carefully tied the string to the magnet. The magnet was heavy, so it would be able to hold my weight. I threw the magnet over the fence as I held on tight to the other end of the string. Then I started pulling myself up. After that, I hopped down onto a bed of soft leaves. I was just beginning my journey.”)

Content & Development

Details are used to develop the main events of the story effectively. (“’Here, try this,’ he said to me. I grabbed the sparkling purple liquid from him and drank it all down. Then, my body shook. All of a sudden, I was falling! Well, I wasn't really falling. I was actually shrinking! ‘What!’ I cried. My voice was small and squeaky. My brother got a ruler from his desk and measured me. ‘Wow! Less than an inch!’ he hollered. I got angry. ‘Give me the antidote now!’ I said. ‘Uh, oh!’ he said.”)

The dialogue is effectively developed to reveal the conflict of the story. (“’What!’ I cried. My voice was small and squeaky. My brother got a ruler from his desk and measured me. ‘Wow! Less than an inch!’ he hollered. I got angry. ‘Give me the antidote now!’ I said. ‘Uh, oh!’ he said. ‘I think I forgot.’”)

The plot is effectively developed. (“The leaf was actually a big green grasshopper. It looked at me closely with its big beady eyes. It turned out to be very curious. I jumped onto its back as it bounced away. As I rode it, I started to get a lonely feeling. I even felt kind of sad. The grasshopper stopped at my house. The door was open, and I went inside. ‘I've got it! I've got it!’ my brother yelled. The antidote was a murky blue color with small yellow balls the size of a grain of sand. I dipped my hand in and got a handful with a couple yellow balls. ‘I hope this works!’ I yelled.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas and events is good throughout the story. The opening of the story excites readers to continue reading. The story flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. The ending provides readers with a sense of completeness.

The story effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ I woke up in my bed and smiled. It was 4:30, but I woke up early for a reason. All my days had been hard and stressful. I just had a feeling this was going to be the best day ever! I went downstairs and found my brother in his lab creating potions and mixes. I was his tester only because he always had an antidote. ‘Here, try this,’ he said to me. I grabbed the sparkling purple liquid from him and drank it all down. Then, my body shook. All of a sudden, I was falling! Well, I wasn't really falling. I was actually shrinking!”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect events in the story. (“ Now, I had to jump over the fence, but how? A light bulb flashed in my head. I carefully tied the string to the magnet. The magnet was heavy, so it would be able to hold my weight. I threw the magnet over the fence as I held on tight to the other end of the string. Then I started pulling myself up. After that, I hopped down onto a bed of soft leaves. I was just beginning my journey.”)

The story includes an effective ending. (“ ’I've got it! I've got it!’ my brother yelled. The antidote was a murky blue color with small yellow balls the size of a grain of sand. I dipped my hand in and got a handful with a couple yellow balls. ‘I hope this works!’ I yelled. I shoved it into my mouth. Moments later, I was back to normal size again. ‘Thank you so much!’ I yelled. Then I gave him a BIG hug.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good language use, voice, and style throughout the essay response. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with good voice and a clear sense of audience. The writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety .

The language and tone are consistent in the narrative. (“ ’What!’ I cried. My voice was small and squeaky. My brother got a ruler from his desk and measured me. ‘Wow! Less than an inch!’he hollered. I got angry. ‘Give me the antidote now!’ I said. ‘Uh, oh!’ he said. ‘I think I forgot.’ I went out the back door taking with me a string and a magnet just in case. I kept on having to jump over sticks and small piles of dirt. If I was bigger, I could have crushed them easily. This was turning out to be the worst day ever!”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the story. (“ Now, I had to jump over the fence, but how? A light bulb flashed in my head. I carefully tied the string to the magnet. The magnet was heavy, so it would be able to hold my weight. I threw the magnet over the fence as I held on tight to the other end of the string. Then I started pulling myself up. After that, I hopped down onto a bed of soft leaves. I was just beginning my journey.”)

The writer employs good word choices to convey the message that being a small person in a giant world can be quite daunting. (“ I was getting tangled up in the grass. Suddenly, a praying mantis approached me. I quickly untangled myself and ran away, dodging ants. I sat down on a leaf to rest. At least I thought it was a leaf! The leaf was actually a big green grasshopper. It looked at me closely with its big beady eyes. It turned out to be very curious. I jumped onto its back as it bounced away.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer can ensure that all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and finally, that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“ ’What!’ I cried. My voice was small and squeaky. My brother got a ruler from his desk and measured me. ‘Wow! Less than an inch!’ he hollered. I got angry. ‘Give me the antidote now!’ I said. ‘Uh, oh!’ he said. ‘I think I forgot.’ I went out the back door taking with me a string and a magnet just in case. I kept on having to jump over sticks and small piles of dirt. If I was bigger, I could have crushed them easily. This was turning out to be the worst day ever!”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

One peaceful Saturday morning, I woke at 8:00 a.m. as I normally do. But for some strange reason everything seemed bigger. I reached for the mirror close to my bed, but I couldn't! Instead I fell right out of bed. I looked around. Then I realized nothing was bigger, but I was smaller. I needed to find a way to cure myself, but how? Maybe drinking Powerade would cure it, but how would I be able to get a sip in my mouth. Anyway, last time I checked Powerade didn't make me grow. I just hope my mom does not find out because she might hyperventilate.

It felt weird walking. I sort of liked it. It felt like every step I took my legs got tickled. Since I was so small, only a few people could find out how small I was. Those people needed to be very trustworthy. Also, I will need a couple family members and two friends. I especially need Matthew.

I'll need Noah because he can keep a secret, and this has happened to him before. I was on my way to Noah's house when my dog got out! Too bad he was a fast runner. He chased me all the way to Noah's house. Luckly, Noah and Matthew were playing outside together. Matthew saw me then my dog. Then he scooped me up and scared my dog.

''Thanks!'' I squeaked. We started trying medicines and potions as soon as we got in the house. One medicine made me shoot up into the air, and came down head first into the hard marble floor. ''Nice going!'' I shouted. ''Sorry,'' Noah said shiley. Another potion made me really hiper and I destroyed everything in the room.

I was about to give up when I accidently drank some Powerade. I was right the first time! I was so glad to be normal again.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer states the main event of the story adequately. To start off, the writer sets a scene that puts readers in the home the morning he/she wakes up in a shrunken state. (“One peaceful Saturday morning, I woke at 8:00 a.m. as I normally do. But for some strange reason everything seemed bigger. I reached for the mirror close to my bed, but I couldn't! Instead I fell right out of bed. I looked around. Then I realized nothing was bigger, but I was smaller. I needed to find a way to cure myself, but how?”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. The writer uses relevant details to reveal some of the experiences of being small in a giant world. (“I'll need Noah because he can keep a secret, and this has happened to him before. I was on my way to Noah's house when my dog got out! Too bad he was a fast runner. He chased me all the way to Noah's house. Luckly, Noah and Matthew were playing outside together. Matthew saw me then my dog. Then he scooped me up and scared my dog.”) Additionally, the writer provides adequate details of what he/she did to solve the dilemma of being small. (“We started trying medicines and potions as soon as we got in the house. One medicine made me shoot up into the air, and came down head first into the hard marble floor. ‘Nice going!’ I shouted. ‘Sorry,’ Noah said shiley. Another potion made me really hiper and I destroyed everything in the room.”)

Details in the story focus on the main event. (“One peaceful Saturday morning, I woke at 8:00 a.m. as I normally do. But for some strange reason everything seemed bigger. I reached for the mirror close to my bed, but I couldn't! Instead I fell right out of bed. I looked around. Then I realized nothing was bigger, but I was smaller. I needed to find a way to cure myself, but how? Maybe drinking Powerade would cure it, but how would I be able to get a sip in my mouth. Anyway, last time I checked Powerade didn't make me grow. I just hope my mom does not find out because she might hyperventilate.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content provided is adequate in the essay response. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting with relevant and believable characters. The writer needs to find a cure for the sudden ‘smallness’, which creates a sense of conflict within the narrative that holds the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. The writer uses dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts, but in a limited way.

The setting is mentioned, but needs to be developed more adequately with additional, sensory details. (“One peaceful Saturday morning, I woke at 8:00 a.m. as I normally do. But for some strange reason everything seemed bigger. I reached for the mirror close to my bed, but I couldn't! Instead I fell right out of bed.”)

The writer’s use of dialogue in the narrative is sparse. The writer should employ more dialogue between the characters to assist in revealing their thoughts or what they say aloud to each other in the story. (“’Thanks!’ I squeaked. We started trying medicines and potions as soon as we got in the house. One medicine made me shoot up into the air, and came down head first into the hard marble floor. ‘Nice going!’ I shouted. ‘Sorry,’ Noah said shiley. Another potion made me really hiper and I destroyed everything in the room.”)

Details adequately describe the story’s problem and ultimate resolution. (“I was on my way to Noah's house when my dog got out! Too bad he was a fast runner. He chased me all the way to Noah's house. Luckly, Noah and Matthew were playing outside together. Matthew saw me then my dog. Then he scooped me up and scared my dog. ‘Thanks!’ I squeaked. We started trying medicines and potions as soon as we got in the house. One medicine made me shoot up into the air, and came down head first into the hard marble floor. ‘Nice going!’ I shouted. ‘Sorry,'’ Noah said shiley. Another potion made me really hiper and I destroyed everything in the room. I was about to give up when I accidently drank some Powerade. I was right the first time! I was so glad to be normal again.”)

Organization

The beginning demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention with details by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. In this case, the writer sets up the scenario where the main character discovers he/she is not as big as he/she was before going to bed the previous night. (“ One peaceful Saturday morning, I woke at 8:00 a.m. as I normally do. But for some strange reason everything seemed bigger. I reached for the mirror close to my bed, but I couldn't! Instead I fell right out of bed. I looked around. Then I realized nothing was bigger, but I was smaller. I needed to find a way to cure myself, but how?”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. (“ It felt weird walking. I sort of liked it. It felt like every step I took my legs got tickled. Since I was so small, only a few people could find out how small I was. Those people needed to be very trustworthy. Also, I will need a couple family members and two friends. I especially need Matthew.”) The writer should incorporate more transitions throughout the narrative to carry the events to their ultimate conclusion.

The narrative’s ending includes a resolution to the main conflict of the story; however, the writer should elaborate on details in the conclusion, summarize the main points, and leave the readers with something to think about. (“ I was about to give up when I accidently drank some Powerade. I was right the first time! I was so glad to be normal again.”)

Language Use & Style

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ Then I realized nothing was bigger, but I was smaller. I needed to find a way to cure myself, but how? Maybe drinking Powerade would cure it, but how would I be able to get a sip in my mouth. Anyway, last time I checked Powerade didn't make me grow.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the story. The writer provides language that adequately describes the experiences of suddenly being small to the intended audience. (“ It felt weird walking. I sort of liked it. It felt like every step I took my legs got tickled. Since I was so small, only a few people could find out how small I was. Those people needed to be very trustworthy. Also, I will need a couple family members and two friends. I especially need Matthew. I'll need Noah because he can keep a secret, and this has happened to him before. I was on my way to Noah's house when my dog got out! Too bad he was a fast runner. He chased me all the way to Noah's house. Luckly, Noah and Matthew were playing outside together. Matthew saw me then my dog. Then he scooped me up and scared my dog.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the story. (“ ’Thanks!’ I squeaked. We started trying medicines and potions as soon as we got in the house. One medicine made me shoot up into the air, and came down head first into the hard marble floor. ‘Nice going!’ I shouted. ‘Sorry,’ Noah said shiley. Another potion made me really hiper and I destroyed everything in the room.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure that sentences have subject-verb agreement, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences begin with capital letters, word selections are spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs are indicated with line breaks throughout the narrative. (“ I was on my way to Noah's house when my dog got out! Too bad he was a fast runner. He chased me all the way to Noah's house. Luckly, Noah and Matthew were playing outside together. Matthew saw me then my dog. Then he scooped me up and scared my dog.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

One morning I woke up and went to school me and my friend Aaron went to pick up are other Joey ,Heid.b , Audri ,Hobo. Then we went to school and were all in the same class. Then we went to lunch and went home did my schoolwork and went to bed. When I woke up the next morning I was only 10 inches tall when my friend came to pike me up my said she could not find me.My mom called the cops and they could not find me ether.

When they leave my room they almost step on me and after that I go out to the kitchen. A knife almost hit me and then went in the back yard and got chased by my dog. I was lost in the back yard it was like a forest I had many task to do like I had to fight a huge ant well it was only big because I was 10 inches tall. I finely got back to my house. When I got back to my house my mom was eating cereal and she almost ate me it really stunk I got dumb down the sank I had to climb back up the drain.

My mom found me and took me to the doctor and he told me to take a pill so I did be for I went to bed I had a dream that I was not going to turn back too normal and that I was going to be ten inches tall forever.I would never get to get back to skate boreding and people would have to make really small cloths and I would not have any friend or anyone like me. but when i wake up im back to nomal.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story states the main event of the story in a very limited way. (“When I woke up the next morning I was only 10 inches tall when my friend came to pike me up my said she could not find me.My mom called the cops and they could not find me ether.”)

The writer’s focus is limited in the essay response. The writer merely provides limited details on the experiences he/she has as a small person in a giant world. The writer should attempt to elaborate on the problems faced as a tiny person, as well as how it felt to be so small. (“I was lost in the back yard it was like a forest I had many task to do like I had to fight a huge ant well it was only big because I was 10 inches tall. I finely got back to my house. When I got back to my house my mom was eating cereal and she almost ate me it really stunk I got dumb down the sank I had to climb back up the drain.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the essay response. The writer needs to include more meaningful examples to illustrate, for example, how he/she became so small or how he/she came to return to normal size, in greater detail. In doing so, the readers will fully appreciate the story unfolding in the writer’s mind. (“My mom found me and took me to the doctor and he told me to take a pill so I did be for I went to bed I had a dream that I was not going to turn back too normal and that I was going to be ten inches tall forever.I would never get to get back to skate boreding and people would have to make really small cloths and I would not have any friend or anyone like me. but when i wake up im back to nomal.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development in the essay. The essay reveals an adequately developed plot, setting, and characters, but lacks sufficient details to make this more than a summary of what happens in the narrative. The writer includes a problem in the story, but it is simply stated and accepted, not fully developed. Additionally, the writer does not implement the use of dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts. By omitting the use of dialogue, the writer misses the chance to illuminate on the experiences of being so small in such a big world in a more significant way.

Although the writer provides a brief sentence stating the problem in the narrative, limited detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“One morning I woke up and went to school me and my friend Aaron went to pick up are other Joey ,Heid.b , Audri ,Hobo. Then we went to school and were all in the same class. Then we went to lunch and went home did my schoolwork and went to bed. When I woke up the next morning I was only 10 inches tall when my friend came to pike me up my said she could not find me.My mom called the cops and they could not find me ether.”)

The details about characters in the story are limited. The writer introduces the parents and other children in the story, but does not describe them in any way. (“One morning I woke up and went to school me and my friend Aaron went to pick up are other Joey ,Heid.b , Audri ,Hobo. Then we went to school and were all in the same class. Then we went to lunch and went home did my schoolwork and went to bed.”)

The writer does not implement the use of dialogue in the narrative. By including dialogue, the writer can share the thoughts of characters in the story. (“My mom found me and took me to the doctor and he told me to take a pill so I did be for I went to bed…”)

Organization

The story attempts to grab the readers’ attention with details in the beginning of the story. (“ One morning I woke up and went to school me and my friend Aaron went to pick up are other Joey ,Heid.b , Audri ,Hobo. Then we went to school and were all in the same class. Then we went to lunch and went home did my schoolwork and went to bed. When I woke up the next morning I was only 10 inches tall when my friend came to pike me up my said she could not find me.My mom called the cops and they could not find me ether.”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story and lead readers through the plot. (“ Then we went to lunch and went home did my schoolwork and went to bed. When I woke up the next morning I was only 10 inches tall when my friend came to pike me up my said she could not find me.My mom called the cops and they could not find me ether.”)

The story demonstrates a limited ending that gives readers a sense of closure. (“ My mom found me and took me to the doctor and he told me to take a pill so I did be for I went to bed I had a dream that I was not going to turn back too normal and that I was going to be ten inches tall forever.I would never get to get back to skate boreding and people would have to make really small cloths and I would not have any friend or anyone like me. but when i wake up im back to nomal.”)

Language Use & Style

The lengths of some of the sentences are too long, and without appropriate punctuation, they become run-on sentences. (“ My mom found me and took me to the doctor and he told me to take a pill so I did be for I went to bed I had a dream that I was not going to turn back too normal and that I was going to be ten inches tall forever.”)

Oftentimes, the writer uses the same group of words to begin sentences. For example, the writer uses the word “I” at the beginning of many sentences in the narrative. (“ I was lost in the back yard it was like a forest I had many task to do like I had to fight a huge ant well it was only big because I was 10 inches tall. I finely got back to my house.”)

The sentences are too informal and the word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“ I finely got back to my house. When I got back to my house my mom was eating cereal and she almost ate me it really stunk I got dumb down the sank I had to climb back up the drain.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, begin each sentence with a capital letter, indicate new paragraphs with line breaks, check for correct spelling of word choices, and ensure proper usage of words within the context of sentences. (“My mom found me and took me to the doctor and he told me to take a pill so I did be for I went to bed I had a dream that I was not going to turn back too normal and that I was going to be ten inches tall forever.I would never get to get back to skate boreding and people would have to make really small cloths and I would not have any friend or anyone like me. but when i wake up im back to nomal.”)

The student can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Story

One day Ms. Bunton decided that we would watch a movie. The day when I was getting the movie ready Ms. Bunton was making popcorn and she found a potion that shrank any body that drank it and she hats me so she put it in my popcorn. then she sad every body come and get your popcorn. I was the first one there to get my popcorn she gave me my popcorn so I started to eat my popcorn and about 10 seconds' later I started to shrink.

I didn't notice until I sranke about 4 inch and then I started to freek out and I started to say what is going on. I im srenkeing,im srenkeing and while I was srenken Ms.Bunton was lafing and saying whahahahahahahahaha you obay me know I say. I sad no I well never serve you. I mite only be 10 inch tall but I im knot going to serve you. Ms.Bunton says I will give you one week to do what you what but in one week I well

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The story only minimally states the main event of the story. (“The day when I was getting the movie ready Ms. Bunton was making popcorn and she found a potion that shrank any body that drank it and she hats me so she put it in my popcorn. then she sad every body come and get your popcorn.”) The writer misses the opportunity to elaborate on the specific reasons why the teacher may not like the narrator. Providing more details at every turn in a story creates a richly textured plot and story line.

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give the readers a true sense of the ups and downs experienced by a person whom is suddenly ten inches tall, living in a land of giants. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“I sad no I well never serve you. I mite only be 10 inch tall but I im knot going to serve you. Ms.Bunton says I will give you one week to do what you what but in one week I well”)

The writer’s details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“I was the first one there to get my popcorn she gave me my popcorn so I started to eat my popcorn and about 10 seconds' later I started to shrink.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay response. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. The story lacks tension or conflict to make it interesting. Little to no dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Only minimal details are used to develop the main events of the story. The plot is only minimally developed. The writer briefly addresses the experiences of shrinking and becoming ten inches tall, but these ideas are not developed in a way that enhances the writer’s message. (“I didn't notice until I sranke about 4 inch and then I started to freek out and I started to say what is going on. I im srenkeing,im srenkeing and while I was srenken Ms.Bunton was lafing and saying whahahahahahahahaha you obay me know I say.”)

The writer does not provide a narrative that includes a detailed setting or characters. At one point in the story, the writer mentions setting up a movie, but the readers are left to wonder, is the narrator at school, at a babysitter, or somewhere else? Additionally, the story introduces only one other supporting character, Ms. Bunton, but there are no sensory details provided to give readers a mental picture of this character. (“One day Ms. Bunton decided that we would watch a movie. The day when I was getting the movie ready Ms. Bunton was making popcorn…”)

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is not fully developed. The writer expresses some dialogue, but it is misspelled, and the lack of quotation marks to indicate dialogue is not evident. (“I im srenkeing,im srenkeing and while I was srenken Ms.Bunton was lafing and saying whahahahahahahahaha you obay me know I say.”)

Organization

The story does not effectively grab the readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer misses the opportunity to create a descriptive scene with enticing characters so that readers can be pulled into the story from the very beginning. (“ One day Ms. Bunton decided that we would watch a movie. The day when I was getting the movie ready Ms. Bunton was making popcorn and she found a potion that shrank any body that drank it and she hats me so she put it in my popcorn.”)

Transitions are not used to connect events in the story. (“ I was the first one there to get my popcorn she gave me my popcorn so I started to eat my popcorn and about 10 seconds' later I started to shrink.”) By including more effective transitions, the writer can create an effective flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence.

The story’s ending does not give a sense of closure to readers. (“ I sad no I well never serve you. I mite only be 10 inch tall but I im knot going to serve you. Ms.Bunton says I will give you one week to do what you what but in one week I well”) The essay also fails to reveal insightful lessons the writer may have learned through the experiences in the story, and it does not attempt to leave readers with too much to think about.

Language Use & Style

Selected words are severely misspelled and errors in syntax are evident. These errors impede the readers’ ability to follow the writer’s narrative with understanding. (“ I im srenkeing,im srenkeing and while I was srenken Ms.Bunton was lafing and saying whahahahahahahahaha you obay me know I say. I sad no I well never serve you.”)

There is repetition of ideas in the essay response. The writer needs to phrase ideas in an effective way to clearly communicate events throughout the narrative. (“ The day when I was getting the movie ready Ms. Bunton was making popcorn and she found a potion that shrank any body that drank it and she hats me so she put it in my popcorn. then she sad every body come and get your popcorn. I was the first one there to get my popcorn she gave me my popcorn so I started to eat my popcorn and about 10 seconds' later I started to shrink.”)

The language is simple and repetitive. The word choices and sentence structure do not effectively communicate the writer’s story to the intended audience. (“ I mite only be 10 inch tall but I im knot going to serve you. Ms.Bunton says I will give you one week to do what you what but in one week I well”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized task response. (“I didn't notice until I sranke about 4 inch and then I started to freek out and I started to say what is going on. I im srenkeing,im srenkeing and while I was srenken Ms.Bunton was lafing and saying whahahahahahahahaha you obay me know I say.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

one day I was inventing a shrinking ray to make me smal then it was time to go to bed. I lefed on my sisters bed the wen my sister bed then she pointed on my bed and shoted. the nex day I wok up and I was ten inches I was sow small my water cup was like my pool and my regler pool was like a big big river. I speent the day. I swim for an houer I saw cames then I saw som snakes.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer does not provide adequate details that would allow the readers to understand how it would feel to be a tiny person in a giant world. (“the nex day I wok up and I was ten inches I was sow small my water cup was like my pool and my regler pool was like a big big river. I speent the day. I swim for an houer I saw cames then I saw som snakes.”)

The writer does not exhibit an awareness of audience. (“one day I was inventing a shrinking ray to make me smal then it was time to go to bed.”)

The essay neglects to address main ideas such as the problems faced by a small person, or how the character returned to normal size. (“one day I was inventing a shrinking ray to make me smal then it was time to go to bed. I lefed on my sisters bed the wen my sister bed then she pointed on my bed and shoted. the nex day I wok up and I was ten inches I was sow small my water cup was like my pool and my regler pool was like a big big river. I speent the day. I swim for an houer I saw cames then I saw som snakes.”)

Content & Development

The setting is not developed in detail. (“the nex day I wok up and I was ten inches I was sow small my water cup was like my pool and my regler pool was like a big big river.”)

The characters are not developed in any way. The sole character introduced to readers is the narrator’s sister, but we do not have any sensory details about her. (“I lefed on my sisters bed the wen my sister bed then she pointed on my bed and shoted.”)

There is no dialogue implemented in the narrative to reveal what the characters think or say aloud. (“one day I was inventing a shrinking ray to make me smal then it was time to go to bed. I lefed on my sisters bed the wen my sister bed then she pointed on my bed and shoted.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The beginning does not include background information about the event. (“ one day I was inventing a shrinking ray to make me smal then it was time to go to bed.”)

Details, words, or phrases are inadequate in the narrative to engage the readers, or address the questions posed in the prompt task, that deal with the experiences of imagining being ten inches tall. (“ the nex day I wok up and I was ten inches I was sow small my water cup was like my pool and my regler pool was like a big big river.”)

The story demonstrates no recognizable ending. (“ I speent the day. I swim for an houer I saw cames then I saw som snakes.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits major errors in syntax that interfere with the message the writer is attempting to convey. (“ I lefed on my sisters bed the wen my sister bed then she pointed on my bed and shoted.”) The lengths of the sentences are often short, with some being fragments rather than complete thoughts. (“ I speent the day.”) The sentences are too informal and riddled with errors to effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“ I swim for an houer I saw cames then I saw som snakes.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is inadequate in the essay response. There are noticeable e rrors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure that the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized task response. The essay is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“I lefed on my sisters bed the wen my sister bed then she pointed on my bed and shoted. the nex day I wok up and I was ten inches I was sow small my water cup was like my pool and my regler pool was like a big big river.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Spaceship Trip Through the Universe

Imagine a spaceship that could take you anywhere in the universe. You have a ticket for this spaceship and can make several stops during your trip.

Write a story about what happens from the time you get on the spaceship until it returns to Earth. Include descriptions of the stops you make along the way.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

It was pitch dark outside and I was sleeping, dreaming, in my bed for the night. The moon was full and shining and it stood out in the treacherous dark sky. I had promised myself that I would never venture up in that sky, never go up and get swallowed up in the great depths of space, but yet, I had always wanted to see what it would be like. To be called an astronaut.

I got up and walked over to my window. What was out there? I scanned the horizon until the rumbling became louder and louder... It was hard not to fall over as the vibrations became so fierce. The rumbling was now deafening to one's ear. I ran into my parent's room. I could imagine them saying "We are sorry we never believed you. We should have listened to you." I pictured them huddled up on the bed in shock and terror. But as I entered through their door, my jaw dropped when I saw that my parents were still sleeping! How could any normal human being sleep through this?! I closed the door and decided to walk outside.

I took a couple of steps back but before I could break out into a run of screaming terror, the figure emerged from the fog. It was just an ordinary man!

"So?" He snapped and kept staring at me. I looked at him confused. What did he want?

"What?"

"Are you just going to sit there all day and drool all over my ship or are you coming?"

"Coming? Where are we going?"

"Space! Where else does a space rocket go to?"

I turned back around and nodded my head yes, I wanted to go. "Great. That'll be one ticket, please." I looked around. I didn't have a ticket. I told the strange man so. "You don't? That is a problem. Have you checked your pockets?" "Why would I check my pockets?" I asked confused. "Just do it!" He said impatiently. I felt a sharp little pain in my finger as I pulled it back out to see a paper cut. But amazingly, the thing that gave me the paper cut was a ruffled ticket that had a strange un-humanly logo on it and I looked up at the man in surprise.

"Yes, that would be the ticket. Can I see it please?"

I shuffled forward trying to move my stubborn legs and handed the man the ticket.

"Where are we going first?" My voice was cracking. I didn't know what to expect.

"To Mars." He said it with a gleam in his eye that I would never understand.

All of the sudden an intercom came on and said "3...2...1... Blastoff!"

Everything was so blurry I couldn't even see Cornelius's face. My heart was up in my throat and all this excitement was making it hard to breath.

But as fast as it had begun, it stopped. Cornelius stepped out of the ship but I hesitated.

"Don't you need like a whole astronaut costume and an air tank?"

"Not when you travel with Cornelius," he replied, "now come on."

I gingerly and carefully stepped out of the rocket. We were walking around when I noticed that I was getting shorter. I was usually up to Cornelius's shoulders, but now I was almost down to his elbow! I told him so and he pointed out that I was in fact standing in quick-mud. My feet started to sink deeper and deeper into the mucky mud. It was now up to my knees and Cornelius tried to pull me out of the mud. I realized that he wasn't strong enough and that the mud had pulled me in too deep to pull me out.

"Cornelius!" I was screaming. I could now tell that he didn't know what he was doing.

"Just hold still!" Cornelius shouted.

I still squirmed and struggled. "I said hold still!" he shouted once more but this time he sounded serious. I stopped squirming and I found myself being spat out by this mud hole. "Alright, we are done with Mars. Moving on." He shoved me back in the rocket. Cornelius flipped on a switch and that can't see-can't breathe feeling came back to me as we headed for another planet. Except this voyage took much longer. I thought it took about ten or fifteen minutes in that shooting off feeling before we landed. The space rocket opened up and I didn't need to shield my eyes. It was actually very dark at this planet. I wondered why.

"This is Pluto!" Cornelius said, satisfied as we stepped out of the rocket. I couldn’t believe my eyes. This is when I knew my adventure had only just begun…

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the narrative. Throughout the story, the writer establishes and maintains an insightful central idea and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she completes all parts of the task using description and details that are all relevant to the story and may go beyond the limits of the task. The writer reflectively showcases his/her spaceship trip through the universe.

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. Throughout the story, the writer builds anticipation for the events that will occur on his/her spaceship trip though the universe. Readers are drawn into these experiences and can feel as though they are also about to travel through space. (“I turned back around and nodded my head yes, I wanted to go. ‘Great. That'll be one ticket, please.’ I looked around. I didn't have a ticket. I told the strange man so. ‘You don't? That is a problem. Have you checked your pockets?’ ‘Why would I check my pockets?’ I asked confused. ‘Just do it!’ He said impatiently. I felt a sharp little pain in my finger as I pulled it back out to see a paper cut. But amazingly, the thing that gave me the paper cut was a ruffled ticket that had a strange un-humanly logo on it and I looked up at the man in surprise.”)

All of the details in the story focus on the main event. The readers are pulled into the different space scenarios, and relevant, effective details are provided to enhance the writer’s experience. The writer succeeds in describing the circumstances and the subsequent experiences in his/her spaceship trip though the universe. (“Everything was so blurry I couldn't even see Cornelius's face. My heart was up in my throat and all this excitement was making it hard to breath. …But as fast as it had begun, it stopped. Cornelius stepped out of the ship but I hesitated. …‘Don't you need like a whole astronaut costume and an air tank?’

…‘Not when you travel with Cornelius,’ he replied, ‘now come on.’ …I gingerly and carefully stepped out of the rocket. We were walking around when I noticed that I was getting shorter. I was usually up to Cornelius's shoulders, but now I was almost down to his elbow! I told him so and he pointed out that I was in fact standing in quick-mud. My feet started to sink deeper and deeper into the mucky mud.”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. All of the writer’s supporting details very effectively communicate his/her experience. (“‘Yes, that would be the ticket. Can I see it please?’ …I shuffled forward trying to move my stubborn legs and handed the man the ticket. …‘Where are we going first?’ My voice was cracking. I didn't know what to expect. …‘To Mars.’ He said it with a gleam in his eye that I would never understand. …All of the sudden an intercom came on and said ‘3...2...1... Blastoff!’”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the narrative. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with complex characters that round out the narrative. The writer clearly establishes tension, conflict, or a problem . In doing so, the writer heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Additionally, dialogue may be used very effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

The characters included in the writer’s examples are relevant and believable. For example, the writer includes a character named Cornelius. (“I gingerly and carefully stepped out of the rocket. We were walking around when I noticed that I was getting shorter. I was usually up to Cornelius's shoulders, but now I was almost down to his elbow! I told him so and he pointed out that I was in fact standing in quick-mud. My feet started to sink deeper and deeper into the mucky mud. It was now up to my knees and Cornelius tried to pull me out of the mud. I realized that he wasn't strong enough and that the mud had pulled me in too deep to pull me out. …‘Cornelius!’ I was screaming. I could now tell that he didn't know what he was doing. …‘Just hold still!’ Cornelius shouted. …I still squirmed and struggled. ‘I said hold still!’ he shouted once more but this time he sounded serious. I stopped squirming and I found myself being spat out by this mud hole.”)

There is very effective information about what happened before the event. In the beginning of the story, readers find that the writer is very interested in becoming an astronaut. (“It was pitch dark outside and I was sleeping, dreaming, in my bed for the night. The moon was full and shining and it stood out in the treacherous dark sky. I had promised myself that I would never venture up in that sky, never go up and get swallowed up in the great depths of space, but yet, I had always wanted to see what it would be like. To be called an astronaut.”)

There is very effective information about what happened during the event. The writer provides relevant details about the different places the characters stop on the spaceship trip through the universe. (“‘Moving on.’ He shoved me back in the rocket. Cornelius flipped on a switch and that can't see-can't breathe feeling came back to me as we headed for another planet. Except this voyage took much longer. I thought it took about ten or fifteen minutes in that shooting off feeling before we landed. The space rocket opened up and I didn't need to shield my eyes. It was actually very dark at this planet. I wondered why.”)

Organization

The story very effectively captures the readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer skillfully paints a picture of the setting. (“It was pitch dark outside and I was sleeping, dreaming, in my bed for the night. The moon was full and shining and it stood out in the treacherous dark sky. I had promised myself that I would never venture up in that sky, never go up and get swallowed up in the great depths of space, but yet, I had always wanted to see what it would be like. To be called an astronaut.”)

Subtle transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“I gingerly and carefully stepped out of the rocket. We were walking around when I noticed that I was getting shorter. I was usually up to Cornelius's shoulders, but now I was almost down to his elbow! I told him so and he pointed out that I was in fact standing in quick-mud. My feet started to sink deeper and deeper into the mucky mud. It was now up to my knees and Cornelius tried to pull me out of the mud. I realized that he wasn't strong enough and that the mud had pulled me in too deep to pull me out.”)

The story demonstrates a very effective ending, leaving the readers on the edge of their seats. (“‘This is Pluto!’ Cornelius said, satisfied as we stepped out of the rocket. I couldn’t believe my eyes. This is when I knew my adventure had only just begun…”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes precise language choices to effectively illustrate his/her spaceship trip experiences. (“ I turned back around and nodded my head yes, I wanted to go. ‘Great. That'll be one ticket, please.’ I looked around. I didn't have a ticket. I told the strange man so. ‘You don't? That is a problem. Have you checked your pockets?’ ‘Why would I check my pockets?’ I asked confused. ‘Just do it!’ He said impatiently. I felt a sharp little pain in my finger as I pulled it back out to see a paper cut. But amazingly, the thing that gave me the paper cut was a ruffled ticket that had a strange un-humanly logo on it and I looked up at the man in surprise.”)

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the story. (“ I took a couple of steps back but before I could break out into a run of screaming terror, the figure emerged from the fog. It was just an ordinary man! …‘So?’ He snapped and kept staring at me. I looked at him confused. What did he want? …‘What?’ …‘Are you just going to sit there all day and drool all over my ship or are you coming?’ …‘Coming? Where are we going?’ …‘Space! Where else does a space rocket go to?’”)

There is strong voice from the writer throughout the story. (“ I gingerly and carefully stepped out of the rocket. We were walking around when I noticed that I was getting shorter. I was usually up to Cornelius's shoulders, but now I was almost down to his elbow! I told him so and he pointed out that I was in fact standing in quick-mud. My feet started to sink deeper and deeper into the mucky mud. It was now up to my knees and Cornelius tried to pull me out of the mud. I realized that he wasn't strong enough and that the mud had pulled me in too deep to pull me out.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and words are spelled correctly. (“ I turned back around and nodded my head yes, I wanted to go. ‘Great. That'll be one ticket, please.’ I looked around. I didn't have a ticket. I told the strange man so. ‘You don't? That is a problem. Have you checked your pockets?’ ‘Why would I check my pockets?’ I asked confused. ‘Just do it!’ He said impatiently.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

This story is about me, Jane Doe. I was in line to see what this Bus to Space thing was about. I was about to get out of line when a lady asked,"Do you want a free ticket to the Bus to Space?" Well, I do like free stuff. So I took it and on the ticket was when you could use it. What? It was for tomorrow. I have school tomorrow! I guess I will have to fake sick. On Monday I played sick and my mother fell for it. I went to Lucky Lane. But the bus was not there for 15 minutes! Finally, the bus came, but I was the only one there. It felt a little weird that no one was there and the bus was 15 minutes late. Nervously I got on to the bus. When I stepped inside, the first thing I noticed was the driver. He had clammy skin, hair that was everywhere, and teeth that where yellow. I didn't want to but I asked,"Where are we going and is there going to be any one else on this bus?" I didn't get an answer. I guess he does not talk. When I went to go sit down I noticed that the seats where made out of a substance that was like jello. But I still sat in it.

The first stop was in the middle of nowhere. I thought I was going to die. Then at the other side of me I realized that there was a big, bright star. The door in the back opened. In came a girl that looked similar to the driver. I was wondering where she was from. What if she was from that star? That would mean that she was a . a . .Alien! No! They're going to dissect my brain! What if I die out here! What if I never go back to earth!

While I was thinking the alien next to me discovered I was pale faced and looked scared. Surprisingly, she said, "Are you from earth?" As I turned around I heard another voice. It was the bus driver, apparently he does talk. "How are you doing Sally, going to your grandma's?" yelled the bus driver. Sally exclaimed back, "Yes, Sir. Sorry, are you from earth?" As I tried to digest what was happening I finally said,"Yes." When Sally was about to talk the bus stopped unexpectedly. "Sorry, asteroids they always get in my way!" said the driver. "Well I know this place good enough so I could show you around," Sally said. "I don't know this place so, yes," I said thinking.

The next stop was Mars. Sally said that Mars didn't have any thing but craters. Then came Jupiter, we stopped here because there were many museums. The first museum was called Storms it was all about Jupiter's Storms. I was so fascinated that we spent 2 hours there. Sally said that we better go back to the bus if where going to go to Saturn. When we got back to the bus there was still nobody on the bus. I guess people don't take the bus. The bus ride was bumpy and there was a bunch of asteroids. When we got there the first thing I noticed was that it smelled like gas. Sally said that it was because of the cars. I also noticed that there was a building that was 20 feet tall. Sally exclaimed, "This is the heart of the people of the Milky way!" I thought it looked like New York. We went to lunch and ate a soup like thing. After that we looked around the town. When we went back we got on the bus.

The next stop was Uranus. Sally said that it was where most people live. It was very peaceful, and I noticed that there was weird looking houses. They were made out of mud but didn't have any doors! I asked how people got in. She said that the door was hidden. When we looked close we saw a keyhole. It was very fascinating. Finally Sally said we would have to get back to the bus.

When we got to the bus Sally said that that was the end and that there was a few stars that we will pass. I went to sleep on the way to Earth. It took about 2 hours to get there. Finally, we got to Sally's star. I said goodbye and that I hope to come back. Next stop, Earth! When I got home I was bittersweet. I hope I get to go again.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are well stated. (“This story is about me, Jane Doe. I was in line to see what this Bus to Space thing was about. I was about to get out of line when a lady asked, ‘Do you want a free ticket to the Bus to Space?’ Well, I do like free stuff. So I took it and on the ticket was when you could use it. What? It was for tomorrow. I have school tomorrow! I guess I will have to fake sick. On Monday I played sick and my mother fell for it. I went to Lucky Lane. But the bus was not there for 15 minutes! Finally, the bus came, but I was the only one there. It felt a little weird that no one was there and the bus was 15 minutes late. Nervously I got on to the bus. When I stepped inside, the first thing I noticed was the driver. He had clammy skin, hair that was everywhere, and teeth that where yellow. I didn't want to but I asked, ‘Where are we going and is there going to be any one else on this bus?’ I didn't get an answer. I guess he does not talk. When I went to go sit down I noticed that the seats where made out of a substance that was like jello. But I still sat in it.”)

The parts of the story relate to the main event. (“While I was thinking the alien next to me discovered I was pale faced and looked scared. Surprisingly, she said, ‘Are you from earth?’ As I turned around I heard another voice. It was the bus driver, apparently he does talk. ‘How are you doing Sally, going to your grandma's?’ yelled the bus driver. Sally exclaimed back, ‘Yes, Sir. Sorry, are you from earth?’ As I tried to digest what was happening I finally said, ‘Yes.’ When Sally was about to talk the bus stopped unexpectedly. ‘Sorry, asteroids they always get in my way!’ said the driver. ‘Well I know this place good enough so I could show you around,’ Sally said. ‘I don't know this place so, yes,’ I said thinking.”)

The details in the story focus on the main idea. The writer provides detail of his/her spaceship trip through space. (“The next stop was Uranus. Sally said that it was where most people live. It was very peaceful, and I noticed that there was weird looking houses. They were made out of mud but didn't have any doors! I asked how people got in. She said that the door was hidden. When we looked close we saw a keyhole. It was very fascinating. Finally Sally said we would have to get back to the bus.”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer provides a well-developed plot and setting and introduces the readers to believable characters who impact the story. The writer establishes tension, conflict, or a problem that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Additionally, dialogue may be used effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

The plot is effectively developed. (“The first stop was in the middle of nowhere. I thought I was going to die. Then at the other side of me I realized that there was a big, bright star. The door in the back opened. In came a girl that looked similar to the driver. I was wondering where she was from. What if she was from that star? That would mean that she was a . a . .Alien! No! They're going to dissect my brain! What if I die out here! What if I never go back to earth!”)

Details are used to effectively develop the main events of the story. The writer consistently reveals his/her experiences as he/she travels through space. (“The next stop was Uranus. Sally said that it was where most people live. It was very peaceful, and I noticed that there was weird looking houses. They were made out of mud but didn't have any doors! I asked how people got in. She said that the door was hidden. When we looked close we saw a keyhole. It was very fascinating. Finally Sally said we would have to get back to the bus.”)

The writer uses details to effectively develop the setting. (“ The next stop was Mars. Sally said that Mars didn't have any thing but craters. Then came Jupiter, we stopped here because there were many museums. The first museum was called Storms it was all about Jupiter's Storms. I was so fascinated that we spent 2 hours there. Sally said that we better go back to the bus if where going to go to Saturn. When we got back to the bus there was still nobody on the bus. I guess people don't take the bus. The bus ride was bumpy and there was a bunch of asteroids.”)

Organization

The story effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ This story is about me, Jane Doe. I was in line to see what this Bus to Space thing was about. I was about to get out of line when a lady asked, ‘Do you want a free ticket to the Bus to Space?’ Well, I do like free stuff. So I took it and on the ticket was when you could use it. What? It was for tomorrow. I have school tomorrow! I guess I will have to fake sick. On Monday I played sick and my mother fell for it. I went to Lucky Lane. But the bus was not there for 15 minutes! Finally, the bus came, but I was the only one there. It felt a little weird that no one was there and the bus was 15 minutes late. Nervously I got on to the bus. When I stepped inside, the first thing I noticed was the driver. He had clammy skin, hair that was everywhere, and teeth that where yellow. I didn't want to but I asked, ‘Where are we going and is there going to be any one else on this bus?’ I didn't get an answer.”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. The writer should attempt to incorporate more effective transitions to promote the flow of the story. (“ The next stop was Uranus. Sally said that it was where most people live. It was very peaceful, and I noticed that there was weird looking houses. They were made out of mud but didn't have any doors! I asked how people got in. She said that the door was hidden. When we looked close we saw a keyhole. It was very fascinating. Finally Sally said we would have to get back to the bus.”)

The story includes an effective ending. (“ When we got to the bus Sally said that that was the end and that there was a few stars that we will pass. I went to sleep on the way to Earth. It took about 2 hours to get there. Finally, we got to Sally's star. I said goodbye and that I hope to come back. Next stop, Earth! When I got home I was bittersweet. I hope I get to go again.”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent. (“ The next stop was Mars. Sally said that Mars didn't have any thing but craters. Then came Jupiter, we stopped here because there were many museums. The first museum was called Storms it was all about Jupiter's Storms. I was so fascinated that we spent 2 hours there. Sally said that we better go back to the bus if where going to go to Saturn. When we got back to the bus there was still nobody on the bus.”)

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the story. (“ The next stop was Uranus. Sally said that it was where most people live. It was very peaceful, and I noticed that there was weird looking houses. They were made out of mud but didn't have any doors! I asked how people got in. She said that the door was hidden. When we looked close we saw a keyhole. It was very fascinating. Finally Sally said we would have to get back to the bus.”)

The writer employs good word choices to convey how he/she is feeling. (“ Nervously I got on to the bus. When I stepped inside, the first thing I noticed was the driver. He had clammy skin, hair that was everywhere, and teeth that where yellow. I didn't want to but I asked, ‘Where are we going and is there going to be any one else on this bus?’ I didn't get an answer. I guess he does not talk. When I went to go sit down I noticed that the seats where made out of a substance that was like jello. But I still sat in it.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all words are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks used to indicate new paragraphs. (“ While I was thinking the alien next to me discovered I was pale faced and looked scared. Surprisingly, she said, ‘Are you from earth?’ As I turned around I heard another voice. It was the bus driver, apparently he does talk. ‘How are you doing Sally, going to your grandma's?’ yelled the bus driver. Sally exclaimed back, ‘Yes, Sir. Sorry, are you from earth?’”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Spaceship Trip Through the Universe

I went through the universe in a spaceship. The spaceship was white, with a red nose on the top. My first stop is at Mars. On Mars, I spotted an alien. The alien was purple, with three legs, and one humongous eye. It looked ugly. When I spotted this alien, I was so scared that I ran back to my ship and took off for Pluto.

When I got to Pluto, it was so cold that I literally turned into a popsicle. Pluto is the farthest planet away from Earth. The temperature on Pluto is very cold. Its one million degrees below zero. I got back on my rocket ship quickly to thaw out my frozen body. I was going to go look around Pluto but I decided that I needed more clothes. I needed a faster way to get around so I put on rocket boots. I used the boots to keep my feet warm. When I got done looking around, I went back to the space ship. On the way to the spaceship, I seen a giant snake. It was made of ice. Its venom was apple cider. The worst part was It bit me!!!! I tasted apple cider because the snake bit me. It was really good. It was the only time that I was happy to be bitten by a snake. I decided to get back on my ship and headed to Mercury.

Soon as I got to Mercury, I went outside my spaceship. I realized that it was really close to the sun because it was very hot on Mercury. I was looking around and seen a big deer with antlers made of fire. The big deer started to charge at me but before he got to me, I quickly moved out of the way and he hit the side of the spaceship. There was a big black dent in the spaceship. I went into the forest that was made out of fire. While I was in there, I seen some squirrels up in a fire tree. When I got near the squirrels, they threw acorns made of lava at me. I ran back to the spaceship and headed to Neptune.

I went to Neptune. I seen dust on Neptune.I realized the sad part was that Neptune was not really made of water. So don't be fooled by its looks! I was looking around and fount a humongous cave. Inside the cave I fount a torch while I was in the cave I fount a huge monkey. It was throwing humongous bananas at me! The monkey was brown with a yellow face and the biggest glowing red eyes I have ever seen. It had humongous sharp and pointy fangs. The fangs were as white as a tooth. I decided to go back to earth.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer states the main event of the story adequately. (“I went through the universe in a spaceship. The spaceship was white, with a red nose on the top. My first stop is at Mars. On Mars, I spotted an alien. The alien was purple, with three legs, and one humongous eye. It looked ugly. When I spotted this alien, I was so scared that I ran back to my ship and took off for Pluto.”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“When I got to Pluto, it was so cold that I literally turned into a popsicle. Pluto is the farthest planet away from Earth. The temperature on Pluto is very cold. Its one million degrees below zero. I got back on my rocket ship quickly to thaw out my frozen body. I was going to go look around Pluto but I decided that I needed more clothes. I needed a faster way to get around so I put on rocket boots. I used the boots to keep my feet warm. When I got done looking around, I went back to the space ship. On the way to the spaceship, I seen a giant snake. It was made of ice. Its venom was apple cider. The worst part was It bit me!!!! I tasted apple cider because the snake bit me. It was really good. It was the only time that I was happy to be bitten by a snake. I decided to get back on my ship and headed to Mercury.”)

Details in the story focus on the main event. (“Soon as I got to Mercury, I went outside my spaceship. I realized that it was really close to the sun because it was very hot on Mercury. I was looking around and seen a big deer with antlers made of fire. The big deer started to charge at me but before he got to me, I quickly moved out of the way and he hit the side of the spaceship. There was a big black dent in the spaceship. I went into the forest that was made out of fire. While I was in there, I seen some squirrels up in a fire tree. When I got near the squirrels, they threw acorns made of lava at me. I ran back to the spaceship and headed to Neptune.”)

Content & Development

The content and development of ideas are adequate in the narrative. The story includes a reasonably developed plot and setting with relevant and believable characters. The writer establishes tension, conflict, or a problem that holds the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Additionally, he/she shares characters’ thoughts through the use of dialogue.

The writer should use dialogue to enhance the narrative. (“I was going to go look around Pluto but I decided that I needed more clothes. I needed a faster way to get around so I put on rocket boots. I used the boots to keep my feet warm. When I got done looking around, I went back to the space ship. On the way to the spaceship, I seen a giant snake. It was made of ice. Its venom was apple cider. The worst part was It bit me!!!! I tasted apple cider because the snake bit me. It was really good. It was the only time that I was happy to be bitten by a snake. I decided to get back on my ship and headed to Mercury.”)

The writer provides adequate details that all relate to the main event. (“Soon as I got to Mercury, I went outside my spaceship. I realized that it was really close to the sun because it was very hot on Mercury. I was looking around and seen a big deer with antlers made of fire. The big deer started to charge at me but before he got to me, I quickly moved out of the way and he hit the side of the spaceship. There was a big black dent in the spaceship. I went into the forest that was made out of fire. While I was in there, I seen some squirrels up in a fire tree. When I got near the squirrels, they threw acorns made of lava at me. I ran back to the spaceship and headed to Neptune.”)

The writer briefly provides conflict in the story by stating that he/she is bit by a snake on Pluto. (“On the way to the spaceship, I seen a giant snake. It was made of ice. Its venom was apple cider. The worst part was It bit me!!!! I tasted apple cider because the snake bit me. It was really good. It was the only time that I was happy to be bitten by a snake. I decided to get back on my ship and headed to Mercury.”)

Organization

The beginning demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by detailing the start of his/her spaceship trip through the universe. (“ I went through the universe in a spaceship. The spaceship was white, with a red nose on the top. My first stop is at Mars. On Mars, I spotted an alien. The alien was purple, with three legs, and one humongous eye. It looked ugly. When I spotted this alien, I was so scared that I ran back to my ship and took off for Pluto.”)

The writer needs to use effective transitions to connect events in the story. By incorporating transitions throughout the narrative, the writer can assist the readers by carrying the story’s events to their ultimate conclusion. (“Soon as I got to Mercury, I went outside my spaceship. I realized that it was really close to the sun because it was very hot on Mercury. I was looking around and seen a big deer with antlers made of fire. The big deer started to charge at me but before he got to me, I quickly moved out of the way and he hit the side of the spaceship.”)

The story comes to a very abrupt end and lacks a summary or lesson learned that would give the intended audience a sense of closure. (“ I went to Neptune. I seen dust on Neptune.I realized the sad part was that Neptune was not really made of water. So don't be fooled by its looks! I was looking around and fount a humongous cave. Inside the cave I fount a torch while I was in the cave I fount a huge monkey. It was throwing humongous bananas at me! The monkey was brown with a yellow face and the biggest glowing red eyes I have ever seen. It had humongous sharp and pointy fangs. The fangs were as white as a tooth. I decided to go back to earth.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentences are short. (“ I went through the universe in a spaceship. The spaceship was white, with a red nose on the top. My first stop is at Mars. On Mars, I spotted an alien. The alien was purple, with three legs, and one humongous eye. It looked ugly.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the narrative. He/she provides language that adequately describes his/her spaceship trip through the universe. (“ Soon as I got to Mercury, I went outside my spaceship. I realized that it was really close to the sun because it was very hot on Mercury. I was looking around and seen a big deer with antlers made of fire. The big deer started to charge at me but before he got to me, I quickly moved out of the way and he hit the side of the spaceship.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the story. (“ Pluto is the farthest planet away from Earth. The temperature on Pluto is very cold. Its one million degrees below zero. I got back on my rocket ship quickly to thaw out my frozen body. I was going to go look around Pluto but I decided that I needed more clothes. I needed a faster way to get around so I put on rocket boots. I used the boots to keep my feet warm. When I got done looking around, I went back to the space ship.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure sentences begin with capital letters, have subject-verb agreement, and end with appropriate punctuation marks. The writer's word selections should also be spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs should be indicated with line breaks. (“ I went to Neptune. I seen dust on Neptune.I realized the sad part was that Neptune was not really made of water. So don't be fooled by its looks! I was looking around and fount a humongous cave. Inside the cave I fount a torch while I was in the cave I fount a huge monkey.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Hey My name is John I am ten years old and when I grow up to be a adult I want to become a astronaut when I grow up. I want to explore the dark and quiet space and maybe find some new planets, hopefully find a new kind of living creature. Hi mom when I grow up I want to become a astronaut and explore space. "Sure you do honey and I want to win the lottery not going to happen baby". Moms right why do I even try. Your moms right give up on your dream. No never give up on your dream, I'm your angel. So that means..... yup Im the devil alright. By guys I think I will just go with my gut.

Twenty years later... mom was right Im never going to become a astronaut. " Hi folks my name is joe Smith and too days wining numbers are 21, 34,and 92". I won yes in your face mom maybe I didn't become a astronaut but I sure can offered a trip to space now. Hello my name is Mr. Jones and will be taking you to space . Excuse me sir t I am the only person here at the moment. By the way I will like to go to jupiter and to the moon.

Wow the moon is huge. Look its Neil Armstrong's foot print thats so cool. Is that a alien. Why yes it appears so the cool thing is they know how to speak english. Hi alien how are today. "Hi my name is Ted, are you from earth. Why yes I am. " Well then I must destroy you on a count of three. Run for your lives. Get in the spaceship. We have to warn every one on earth.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the narrative. The writer establishes and maintains a limited central idea and demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she provides limited descriptions and details that may not be relevant to the story or that may not give the readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The writer states the main event of the story in a very limited way. (“Hi mom when I grow up I want to become a astronaut and explore space. ‘Sure you do honey and I want to win the lottery not going to happen baby’. Moms right why do I even try. Your moms right give up on your dream. No never give up on your dream, I'm your angel. So that means..... yup Im the devil alright. By guys I think I will just go with my gut.”)

The writer’s focus is limited in the narrative. He/she focuses limited details on the spaceship trip through the universe. (“Twenty years later... mom was right Im never going to become a astronaut. ‘ Hi folks my name is joe Smith and too days wining numbers are 21, 34,and 92’. I won yes in your face mom maybe I didn't become a astronaut but I sure can offered a trip to space now. Hello my name is Mr. Jones and will be taking you to space . Excuse me sir t I am the only person here at the moment. By the way I will like to go to jupiter and to the moon.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the narrative. He/she briefly describes his/her experiences through space. In providing more relevant details, the readers will be able to fully appreciate the story unfolding in the writer’s mind. (“Wow the moon is huge. Look its Neil Armstrong's foot print thats so cool. Is that a alien. Why yes it appears so the cool thing is they know how to speak english. Hi alien how are today. ‘Hi my name is Ted, are you from earth. Why yes I am. ‘ Well then I must destroy you on a count of three. Run for your lives. Get in the spaceship. We have to warn every one on earth.”)

Content & Development

The narrative reveals limited content and development. The writer provides an adequately developed plot, setting, and characters, but it lacks sufficient detail to make this more than a summary of what happens in the story. Tension, conflict, or a problem may be stated but not developed sufficiently. Some dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Although the writer provides brief information to state the purpose of the narrative, limited details are used to develop the main events of the story. (“Twenty years later... mom was right Im never going to become a astronaut. ‘ Hi folks my name is joe Smith and too days wining numbers are 21, 34,and 92’. I won yes in your face mom maybe I didn't become a astronaut but I sure can offered a trip to space now. Hello my name is Mr. Jones and will be taking you to space”)

The details about the characters in the story are limited. The writer introduces his/her mother into the narrative but does not describe her in any way. (“Hey My name is John I am ten years old and when I grow up to be a adult I want to become a astronaut when I grow up. I want to explore the dark and quiet space and maybe find some new planets, hopefully find a new kind of living creature. Hi mom when I grow up I want to become a astronaut and explore space. ‘Sure you do honey and I want to win the lottery not going to happen baby’. Moms right why do I even try. Your moms right give up on your dream. No never give up on your dream, I'm your angel. So that means..... yup Im the devil alright. By guys I think I will just go with my gut.”)

The writer does not implement sufficient use of dialogue in the narrative. By including dialogue, the writer can share the thoughts of characters in the story. (“'Hi my name is Ted, are you from earth. Why yes I am. ’ Well then I must destroy you on a count of three. Run for your lives.”)

Organization

The beginning of the narrative attempts to grab the readers’ attention in a way that would entice them to continue reading. (“ Hey My name is John I am ten years old and when I grow up to be a adult I want to become a astronaut when I grow up. I want to explore the dark and quiet space and maybe find some new planets, hopefully find a new kind of living creature. Hi mom when I grow up I want to become a astronaut and explore space. ‘Sure you do honey and I want to win the lottery not going to happen baby’. Moms right why do I even try. Your moms right give up on your dream. No never give up on your dream, I'm your angel. So that means..... yup Im the devil alright. By guys I think I will just go with my gut.”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story and lead the readers through the narrative. (“ Twenty years later... mom was right Im never going to become a astronaut. ‘ Hi folks my name is joe Smith and too days wining numbers are 21, 34,and 92’. I won yes in your face mom maybe I didn't become a astronaut but I sure can offered a trip to space now.”)

The writer does not provide an ending that gives the readers a sense of closure. (“ Wow the moon is huge. Look its Neil Armstrong's foot print thats so cool. Is that a alien. Why yes it appears so the cool thing is they know how to speak english. Hi alien how are today. ‘Hi my name is Ted, are you from earth. Why yes I am. ’ Well then I must destroy you on a count of three. Run for your lives. Get in the spaceship. We have to warn every one on earth.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited use of language, voice, and style in the narrative. The story reveals simple l anguage and word choice, and some awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, selected words are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

Some sentences are short. (“ Wow the moon is huge. Look its Neil Armstrong's foot print thats so cool. Is that a alien.”) The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the story more interesting to the intended audience.

Oftentimes, the writer uses the same words inside of his/her sentences. The writer’s use of “Hi,” for example, is glaringly repetitive. (“ Hi mom when I grow up I want to become a astronaut and explore space. …Hi alien how are today. ‘Hi my name is Ted, are you from earth. Why yes I am. ’”)

The sentences are too informal, and word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“ Hi mom when I grow up I want to become a astronaut and explore space. ‘Sure you do honey and I want to win the lottery not going to happen baby’. Moms right why do I even try. Your moms right give up on your dream.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should begin each sentence with a capital letter, make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with line breaks, check for the correct spelling of words, and ensure the proper usage of words within the context of sentences. (“Wow the moon is huge. Look its Neil Armstrong's foot print thats so cool. Is that a alien. Why yes it appears so the cool thing is they know how to speak english. Hi alien how are today. ‘Hi my name is Ted, are you from earth. Why yes I am. ’ Well then I must destroy you on a count of three. Run for your lives. Get in the spaceship. We have to warn every one on earth.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

One day I was in a rocket going through space.Then sudenly I looked aroud out the space window you wont belive what I saw. I saw Mars it looked like a big ball of fire. then I went to mars not bad there when I was on mars I thought I was an alein. It was realy red there. Then I peeked around the corner of a rock I saw a another humon her name was sannah. She was really nice we went on all trips together.

Then we went to the sun. It was fun. We made hot cocoa.It was good Yum!.

We also went to saturn to get some icy rings. It was realy pretty there. It is also big. I hope GO BACK

Well we ended are trip to some planets. i hope I come back sometime. It is awesome in space now its time to return home.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer only minimally states the main event of the story. (“One day I was in a rocket going through space.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently enough to give the readers a true sense of the adventures he/she experienced during his/her spaceship trip through the universe. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“We also went to saturn to get some icy rings. It was realy pretty there. It is also big. I hope GO BACK”)

The writer’s details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“Then we went to the sun. It was fun. We made hot cocoa.It was good Yum!.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. The story lacks tension or conflict to make the story interesting. Little to no dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Only minimal details are used to develop the main events of the story. The plot is only minimally developed. The writer briefly addresses the places he/she visited on his/her spaceship trip through the universe, but these ideas are not developed in a way that enhances the writer's message. (“We also went to saturn to get some icy rings. It was realy pretty there. It is also big. I hope GO BACK”)

The writer does not provide a narrative that includes a detailed setting or characters. There are minimal descriptions of the setting, and the writer does not attempt to describe the characters in any way. (“I saw Mars it looked like a big ball of fire. then I went to mars not bad there when I was on mars I thought I was an alein. It was realy red there. Then I peeked around the corner of a rock I saw a another humon her name was sannah. She was really nice we went on all trips together.”)

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is not sufficiently developed. (“Then we went to the sun. It was fun. We made hot cocoa.It was good Yum!.”)

Organization

The story attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ One day I was in a rocket going through space.”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. (“ Then we went to the sun. It was fun. We made hot cocoa.It was good Yum!”) By including more effective transitions, the writer can create an effective flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence.

The story minimally demonstrates an ending. (“ Well we ended are trip to some planets. i hope I come back sometime. It is awesome in space now its time to return home”) The narrative fails to reveal insightful lessons that the writer may have learned through his/her experiences in the story. Also, it does not attempt to leave the readers with too much to think about once the story is over.

Language Use & Style

Exact words are missing, and errors in syntax are evident. These errors impede the readers’ ability to follow the writer’s narrative with understanding. (“ We also went to saturn to get some icy rings. It was realy pretty there. It is also big. I hope GO BACK”)

Sentences are short. The writer needs to phrase ideas in an effective way to clearly communicate events throughout the narrative. (“ Well we ended are trip to some planets. i hope I come back sometime. It is awesome in space now its time to return home.”)

The language is simple and repetitive. Word choices and sentence structure do not effectively communicate the writer’s story to the intended audience. (“ Then we went to the sun. It was fun. We made hot cocoa.It was good Yum!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the narrative exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphs with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized and meaningful story. (“It was realy red there. Then I peeked around the corner of a rock I saw a another humon her name was sannah.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Once upon a time I went on a trip. I bought a spaceship it was a lot of money. So I took off in space. And I stopped at the moon I staedb one nitgh then I took off then i stoped at venus and ispind a night and the next day i took of to satren then it took all day to get thaere. then istade thaere for seven days then i took of i wentt to difrent planets then i went home. the end.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is stated, but the writer does not focus details to elaborate on the main theme of the story. (“ Once upon a time I went on a trip. I bought a spaceship it was a lot of money.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of the intended audience. (“And I stopped at the moon I staedb one nitgh then I took off then i stoped at venus and ispind a night and the next day i took of to satren then it took all day to get thaere.”)

The writer does not provide details that satisfy the purpose of the task. (“then istade thaere for seven days then i took of i wentt to difrent planets then i went home.”)

Content & Development

The setting is not developed, and providing details about the characters’ surroundings helps the readers imagine the scenes in their minds. (“ And I stopped at the moon I staedb one nitgh then I took off then i stoped at venus and ispind a night and the next day i took of to satren then it took all day to get thaere.”)

The writer does not mention any characters besides the narrator in the story. (“I bought a spaceship it was a lot of money. So I took off in space.”)

There is no dialogue that reveals what the characters may think or say aloud. (“Once upon a time I went on a trip. I bought a spaceship it was a lot of money. So I took off in space.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the narrative is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of ideas.

The story does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning because it does not clearly focus on telling a story that would reveal, in great detail, a spaceship trip through the universe. (“ Once upon a time I went on a trip.”)

Events are not clearly in order. There are significant gaps in time sequence that hinder the flow of events in the story. (“ So I took off in space. And I stopped at the moon I staedb one nitgh then I took off then i stoped at venus and ispind a night and the next day i took of to satren then it took all day to get thaere. then istade thaere for seven days then i took of i wentt to difrent planets then i went home.”)

The story includes no identifiable ending to summarize the theme of the prompt task or give the readers a sense of closure. (“ then istade thaere for seven days then i took of i wentt to difrent planets then i went home. the end.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is inadequate in the narrative. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, with no a wareness of audience, and noticeable errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are incorrect word choices employed within the context of some sentences. (“ then istade thaere for seven days then i took of i wentt to difrent planets then i went home.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ And I stopped at the moon I staedb one nitgh then I took off then i stoped at venus and ispind a night and the next day i took of to satren then it took all day to get thaere.”)

The writer does not reflect any use of style when it comes to word choices, organization, or sentence structure in the narrative. (“Once upon a time I went on a trip. I bought a spaceship it was a lot of money. So I took off in space.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Stranded On an Island

Imagine that you and your friends are stranded on an island. What would you do to find food? How would you get water? Where would you live? Write a story in which you describe how you and your friends would work together to help each other survive.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

As the airplane circled over the small tropical island, my friends, Becca, Rachael, Hannah and Jenna, and I all waved our flags excitedly. We hoped the white flags with the pieces of tin foil on them would attract the plane, but no, the plane was too far up and was headed to the North where there was a big resort on a big island. My friends and I had been planning to go there, on a boat, but the boat had run into a reef, and got a big hole in it. We had paddled in the lifeboat until we came to the small island we were on now. Hannah had been training to be a captain of a cruise ship, so she had taken us out on her own boat for practice. We had taken enough supplies with us for five days, and we were already on day number four.

We decided to see if there was anything edible on the island, we found some strange looking fruit, but Jenna, who was training to be a botanist, said the fruit was starfruit. The starfruit kept us from starving for two more days, during that time we got some big banana leaves together and made a shelter with the leaves and some driftwood, we used my bubble gum to stick it together. I had brought twelve packs of bubble gum with me, each pack contained six pieces, it was just enough to hold the house together, with a half a stick left for me. The bubble gum was with me because I got nervous before the trip and I remembered when I was younger I would chew gum for nervousness, so I taken some with me on the trip.

After we built the shelter, we used one of the fishing poles that had been in the lifeboat. We caught two fish that Jenna identified as tuna. We cooked them up and ate them with the starfruit, it was the first time I had not been hungry after a meal in days. That night we slept under our shelter with banana leaves and blankets from the boat to keep us warm. Each one of us took one and a half hours to keep watch during the night. As I lay in my bed after Rachael had relieved me, I thought about how thankful I was that we were all alive and together.

The next day, we decided to explore what little land there was on the island, the island was about two miles long and one mile wide. We found coconuts and bananas that were ripe enough to pick. Then we went all the way down to the other side of the island to see if there were any other islands near by. Hannah took out her binoculars and saw one island way out in the distance. She calculated it was about sixty miles away. At that distance we could have reached it in one afternoon in the motor boat that had crashed, but we did not think we could do it in the little life boat. Besides we weren't even sure if that island was big enough to have people and maybe an airport.

So that night we made up a plan of things we could do to get off the island, first of course we had to gather a substantial amount of food. We decided that all of us would go for food the next day, in two groups, Jenna and Becca and Rachael, Hannah and me. We also decided that we would try and make a sail of something, so we could put the sail on the lifeboat and make it go faster. After this we ate some bananas and coconuts for supper and went to bed.

The next day we split up into groups and searched for food. When we returned late that afternoon we had coconuts, starfruit, bananas, papayas, and clams. We did our best to smoke the clams over our fire, using a stripped palm branch to hang the clams on, two of us worked on the clams while the other three worked on the fruit. Dried fruit was going to be a necessity and since I worked as a cook at a restaurant on weekends, I was chosen to be the head of making our food. I had tried to make my own dried fruit before, it was okay, but I had not dried it in the sun like we were doing, so I decided that we should peel the fruit and cut it into pieces before drying it. Then we put the fruit on platforms made of banana leaves and sticks, and we put a great number on our roof. The next morning I checked the fruit and it was still damp, so I let it dry for the rest of the morning and afternoon when the sun was hottest. Then after they were dry we took the fruit and coated it with a sugar water mixture to preserve it. That took another day to dry.

The next day we packed up our dried fruit and clams and put them in our lifeboat, which we had constructed into a sailboat. We took the few belongings we had left and loaded them onto the boat. We also left a white flag on the beach and a note, in case anyone saw the flag from a plane and landed on the island, the flag was also there so we could find our way back if need be. Well, we did not need to find our way back, it took approximately thirty- eight hours to get to the bigger island. That island just happened to be the one we were going to in the first place. We vacationed there a few days and then took a plane back home. I think the most fun I had on that trip was being with my friends for about two weeks, on an island all to ourselves. It took courage to survive there by ourselves but we did it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay has very effective focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task, providing description and vivid details regarding the plot and characters that are all relevant to the story. (“I think the most fun I had on that trip was being with my friends for about two weeks, on an island all to our selves. It took courage to survive there by ourselves but we did it.”)

Content & Development

The content of this essay, which consists of seven paragraphs, is very effective and well developed. The plot and setting are thoroughly developed and detailed . (“As the airplane circled over the small tropical island, my friends, Becca, Rachael, Hannah and Jenna, and I all waved our flags excitedly. We hoped the white flags with the pieces of tin foil on them would attract the plane, but no, the plane was too far up and was headed to the North where there was a big resort on a big island.”) The writer clearly establishes a conflict that heightens the reader’s suspense for what will happen in the story. (“We decided to see if there was anything edible on the island, we found some strange looking fruit, but Jenna, who was training to be a botanist, said the fruit was starfruit. The starfruit kept us from starving for two more days, during that time we got some big banana leaves together and made a shelter with the leaves and some driftwood, we used my bubble gum to stick it together.”)

Organization

This essay is organized very effectively with a number of paragraphs. The author captures the reader’s attention with a clever opening to the story. The story flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development. (“The next day, we decided to explore what little land there was on the island, the island was about two miles long and one mile wide.”) The conclusion pulls the entire story together and fills in any gaps for the reader.

Language Use & Style

The writer of this essay demonstrates very effective use of language and style. Precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience are evident to the reader of this essay. In addition, sentences are well structured and varied. (“As I lay in my bed after Rachael had relieved me, I thought about how thankful I was that we were all alive and together .”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Very effective control of conventions and mechanics is demonstrated in this essay, with almost no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. (“The next day we packed up our dried fruit and clams and put them in our lifeboat, which we had constructed into a sailboat.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I. Josh, am writing in my diary the recordings of my friends and I stranded on this unknown islands. My friends were John, Alexander, Dustin, Daniel and my brother Luke.

A shipwreck was the disaster that caused us to be on this forsaken island. We were lucky we got to land in one piece, we were all kids there was not one adult among us.

Our first needs were water, shelter, fire and food. We split up into groups of two, Alex and I went to the east side of the island and Daniel and JP went to the west side. Everyone else stayed behind to set a camp up. Daniel and JP were sent out to get food I and Alex went to try and find some water. Alex and I found a spring and filled buckets of water made out of bamboo that we made. We had the time because we were already on the island a whole day. We needed food and we looked for it but Alex and I could not find any so we headed back to camp. We returned to camp and found a whole gazelle for us to eat that Daniel and JP found. Daniel said it was because of JPs immense speed so they could capture it. The camp looked beautiful with spears, shelters and beds made out of leaves and dirt. There were also three hammocks hanging between the palm trees.

The next thing we needed was fire, all of us rubbed wood against wood until our hands bled. Finally I got the fire going on my two pieces of wood. Alex and I put leaves on the fire and soon we had a fire pit with flames two feet high. It took us one day to make fire and finally after that we feasted on the gazelle over the fire and we had plenty of water to drink. As we went to bed that night we knew little about what lurked in the jungle.

That night was a peculiar night not a sound except in the jungle. We could hear tigers and lions what we heard frightened us. Dustin, Alex, Daniel and I all went into the jungle to see what was making the noises. We saw something move in the underbrush but that was only a bird. we heard something in the tree but that was only an owl. We kept walking and something zoomed out of the trees and first jumped at Dustin. We saw the fiercest animal, the Lion of the island of El Dante . It suddenly took off after it jumped on Dustin. Luckily, Dustin was okay. We knew it was this lion from the brand he wore on his side. He was sent to this island because he was the most meat-loving ravenous lion and he would kill at his very own will. We needed to capture him. The brand on his side said El Dante. It came to me that if we could capture the lion we would become millionaires if we ever got off the island. I told the plan to my friends and the next thing we decided to do was capture the lion.

In the morning we got ready to capture the lion. All of us had a net and a spear as our weapon to capture the lion and some fresh meat for our bait. We set out for the jungle on a scorching morning with insects and flies everywhere. In the jungle we saw footprints in the coarse sand leading to a dark, brimstone cave. We were all ready for the lion but we wondered if we would come out of the jungle alive. JP and I went into the cave first then there was a roar and everyone else charged in. We all fought fearlessly and after two hours of the hard battle we came out of the cave with the lion.

After we had captured the lion we needed help to get off the island but none came. Five years passed by. We had kept the lion in a wooden box and fed him fresh meat that we had captured.

I was fifteen before we got of the island it was a sunny day. We built a fire a thousand feet high. We had all lost hope but then JP said, I see a ship! We were so grateful to get off the island and back to our home in Canada .

We did not forget the lion of El Dante we sold him to a museum and we all became millionaires. We never forgot though about the island of El Dante and the great adventure we had.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of this essay are good. The essay demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The plot is described, and relevant details regarding the main characters’ experience on the island are discussed. (“We returned to camp and found a whole gazelle for us to eat that Daniel and JP found. Daniel said it was because of JPs immense speed so they could capture it……It took us one day to make fire and finally after that we feasted on the gazelle over the fire and we had plenty of water to drink.”)

Content & Development

The content and development of this essay are good. A well-developed plot and setting are provided in detailed paragraphs. (“Alex and I found a spring and filled buckets of water made out of bamboo that we made. . . The camp looked beautiful with spears, shelters and beds made out of leaves and dirt. There were also three hammocks hanging between the palm trees.”)

Organization

This essay is organized well. It includes a proper opening and suitable concluding paragraphs. The opening of the story excites readers to continue reading. The story flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. (“The next thing we needed was fire, all of us rubbed wood against wood until our hands bled. Finally I got the fire going on my two pieces of wood. Alex and I put leaves on the fire and soon we had a fire pit with flames two feet high. It took us one day to make fire and finally after that we feasted on the gazelle over the fire and we had plenty of water to drink. As we went to bed that night we knew little about what lurked in the jungle.”) The conclusion provides the reader with a sense of completeness, in which any gaps in the story are filled.

Language Use & Style

There is good use of language and style in this essay. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. Sentences are well structured with some variety. (“Dustin, Alex, Daniel and I all went into the jungle to see what was making the noises…… He was sent to this island because he was the most meat-loving ravenous lion and he would kill at his very own will.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of conventions and mechanics is shown in this essay. There are no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. (“In the jungle we saw footprints in the coarse sand leading to a dark, brimstone cave.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

A day I'll never forget.I was when people from our school have been selected to go on a trip when school was over. The people who got to go were Samantha,Lea,Anahi,Me(Anyssa),Alex, Omini,Chance, Seibastian,Alias.We went on a plane most of us were scared.As all of us were talking the pilot told us that we would probably be there in about 30 minutes.Soon after that alarms came on and off everybody was scared. Oxygen mask came out. The fly detandant said don't panic were just running out of fuel. Then suddenly next thing we crash. The plane laid across the sand. Most of the girls belts were stuck but the guys helped us. when everybody gt out seibastian said lets go in to the jungle and find some food and make a tent or something. Anyssa,Samantha,Omini,Chance you look for fruit. Anahi, Lea,Alias,Alex, and me will go look for branches and palm trees and more.

? So all us split up in to groups and went to go find what was needed. Soon we came to a tree that had lots of scrumptious fruit. Samantha and me got some fruit and give it to omini and chance. When we were done picking the fruit we headed back to the beach. The other group was already there making the shelter to sleep under in the night. All the the boys went out to the ocean and sea if they can catch any fish.When they came back they caught at least 20 fish all together. My friend samantha said she didn't like fish.So we said you don't have to eat it you can just eat fruit then. Then she said fine then I'll just eat fruit then.After awhile she asked us if she could have some fish then we gave her some fish.When she bit a little piece and throw up then she said I'll just stick to the fruit.

later that night all of us went to sleep in the little shelter.When everybody was asleep I got up and went closer to the water.When I went next to the water it calmed me down and then I went back to the little shelter and went back to sleep. When everybody woke up we all changed into are bathing suits. When we were done playing we got dried up then Lea saw a helicopter, so we made a fire so they would come and save us. The helicopter came and some men came out and said did you folks come from the plane crash. Then we said yes we need a ride to Hawaii . We came here for the school vacation.So the men gave us a ride to Hawaii.And that was the days of are lives.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of this essay are adequate. A basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task is demonstrated by the writer. Relevant descriptions and details are provided, regarding the characters’ experience on the island. (“When we were done picking the fruit we headed back to the beach. The other group was already there making the shelter to sleep under in the night. All the boys went out to the ocean and sea if they can catch any fish.”)

Content & Development

This essay contains adequate content and development. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting that is believable and holds the reader’s suspense for what will happen in the story. The writer uses an appropriate number of details when discussing the characters’ hunt for food. (“So all us split up in to groups and went to go find what was needed. Soon we came to a tree that had lots of scrumptious fruit. Samantha and me got some fruit and give it to omini and chance. When we were done picking the fruit we headed back to the beach.”)

Organization

The organization of this essay is adequate. The author provides an interesting opening to the story that keeps the reader’s attention. (“Soon after that alarms came on and off everybody was scared. Oxygen mask came out. The fly detandant said don't panic were just running out of fuel. Then suddenly next thing we crash.”) The story generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transitions to support sequential development. An ample conclusion is also provided. (“The helicopter came and some men came out and said did you folks come from the plane crash. Then we said yes we need a ride to Hawaii . We came here for the school vacation.So the men gave us a ride to Hawaii.And that was the days of are lives.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay’s use of language and style is adequate. A ppropriate language and word choice, with an awareness of audience and control of voice, is apparent within this essay. Sentence structure is generally correct with some variety. (“As all of us were talking the pilot told us that we would probably be there in about 30 minutes. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is adequate control of mechanics and conventions within this essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the author’s message. (“My friend samantha said she didn't like fish.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

It was a dark and stormy night, seven of us were stranded on an island with no food or water. We were three girls and four guys. We didn't have no place to live. It was cold and kind of spooky. My friends and I decided to look for woods to make up the fire, others decided to look for food.In a group they took there way to look for it. While I was with my two friends looking for woods, the sky started to get foggy. We could nearly see where we were going. One of them got lost and the other one was getting scared. The four of my friends came along and began to scream to at least try to find us.While my friend was nervous I hold her hand and got with the rest of them.

Our four friends notice that one was missing then we began to make a group of two and try to look for the one that is missing. Later on the sky was clearing on. It was more easier to look. My friend and I kept on looking when all of the sudden we had found her stuck on a hole.We tried to help her out but it was to complicated.The other ones came and began to help.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay is limited in its focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. There are few details and descriptions used in the essay. The details and descriptions that are used are not relevant to the story. (“While I was with my two friends looking for woods, the sky started to get foggy.”)

Content & Development

The content and development of this essay are limited. The plot, setting, and characters are only adequately developed, and the essay lacks sufficient detail to make it more than a summary of what happens in the story. The conflict of the story is stated, but not fully developed. (“It was a dark and stormy night, seven of us were stranded on an island with no food or water. We were three girls and four guys. We didn't have no place to live. It was cold and kind of spooky. My friends and I decided to look for woods to make up the fire, others decided to look for food. ”)

Organization

There is limited organization in this essay. A brief, adequate opening is provided. Transitions are few and weak, and the reader is provided with a real limited sense of closure. (“My friend and I kept on looking when all of the sudden we had found her stuck on a hole.We tried to help her out but it was to complicated.The other ones came and began to help.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay is limited in its use of language and style. It demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice and some awareness of audience and control of voice. The essay also relies on simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety and word choice. (“The other ones came and began to help.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is limited control of mechanics and conventions in this essay. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, but they do not interfere with the communication of the author’s message. (“Later on the sky was clearing on. It was more easier to look.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

If my friends and I were stranded on an island we would have to find food water and shlter.First we'll look for food.We'll start by huting animals so we can kill them.We try to cach some fish to eat. Afther we eat our food we will look arownd the island.We will try to see if we can find anybody in the island.If we find anyone we will ask them how to get out of hear.And if we don't we will have to find a way to survive by are sells.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of this essay are minimal. A minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task is demonstrated. Details about finding food are somewhat accomplished. (“We'll start by huting animals so we can kill them.We try to cach some fish to eat.”) In addition, the writer merely discusses how he/she is going to survive on the island.

Content & Development

This essay’s content is developed minimally. The writer merely discusses his/her ideas of how they are going to survive on the island. The essay lacks character development and a decent plot. The first four sentences of this eight-sentence essay talk about food. (“If my friends and I were stranded on an island we would have to find food water and shlter.First we'll look for food.We'll start by huting animals so we can kill them.We try to cach some fish to eat. Afther we eat our food we will look arownd the island.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates no organization, as it only consists of one paragraph. A proper opening and closing are not provided. (“If my friends and I were stranded on an island we would have to find food water and shlter.First we'll look for food.We'll start by huting animals so we can kill them.We try to cach some fish to eat. Afther we eat our food we will look arownd the island.We will try to see if we can find anybody in the island.If we find anyone we will ask them how to get out of hear.And if we don't we will have to find a way to survive by are sells.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in this essay are minimal . It lacks good word choice and has little awareness of audience. Basic errors in sentence structure and usage are apparent. (“We'll start by huting animals so we can kill them.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Minimal control of conventions and mechanics is shown in this essay, as there are p atterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. However, this does not interfere with the communication of the author’s message. (“We try to cach some fish to eat.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

If I was trap in a Island with my two best friend it will be one girls and one boy we will have to make a door for the cave we found. And I will make fire with stick because we can be hot.And we have to find a lake to take a shawer then put are clotheingclose to the fire to get driy and hot and warm.And in the murning we well make anther fire to be sived

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay’s focus and meaning are inadequate. A lmost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task is demonstrated, and very few details are provided in the story. (“If I was trap in a Island with my two best friend it will be one girls and one boy we will have to make a door for the cave we found.”)

Content & Development

The content and development of this essay are inadequate. It l acks an identifiable plot, as only a bit of the setting is described. Characters are never introduced, and the author writes from his/her point of view only. Lack of conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow. (“If I was trap in a Island with my two best friend it will be one girls and one boy we will have to make a door for the cave we found. And I will make fire with stick because we can be hot.And we have to find a lake to take a shawer then put are clotheingclose to the fire to get driy and hot and warm.And in the murning we well make anther fire to be sived.”)

Organization

This essay’s organization is inadequate, as it only consists of one paragraph without a formal introduction or conclusion. Furthermore, the story lacks basic organization, as there is no clear beginning, middle, or end. (“If I was trap in a Island with my two best friend it will be one girls and one boy we will have to make a door for the cave we found. And I will make fire with stick because we can be hot.And we have to find a lake to take a shawer then put are clotheingclose to the fire to get driy and hot and warm.And in the murning we well make anther fire to be sived”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style in this essay is inadequate. U nclear language and word choice is demonstrated, in addition to a lack of audience awareness. There are major errors in usage and sentence structure, as there are only four sentences in the whole essay. (“If I was trap in a Island with my two best friend it will be one girls and one boy we will have to make a door for the cave we found. And I will make fire with stick because we can be hot.And we have to find a lake to take a shawer then put are clotheingclose to the fire to get driy and hot and warm.And in the murning we well make anther fire to be sived”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates an inadequate control of conventions and mechanics. Errors are so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that it interferes with the communication of the author’s message. (“And I will make fire with stick because we can be hot.And we have to find a lake to take a shawer then put are clotheingclose to the fire to get driy and hot and warm.And in the murning we well make anther fire to be sived.”)

When Someone Helped Me

Throughout our lives, we all need help from others from time to time. Think about a time when you needed help. Who helped you?

Write a story about a time when a person helped you when you were struggling or in trouble.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever had a crisis in your life, or an injury, that needed another person’s help? I have. I know that I can’t take care of everything by myself. Other people can reach out to me to help me in different needs and times. I will now tell about an experience when someone helped me.

It was a bright summer afternoon. I was bored out of my mind in the house, so I wandered downstairs. There I met Maddie my sister who was playing a game. She too was bored so we decided to play Barbies. Slowly I began to lose interest. I asked Maddie what she wanted to do. She answered that she didn’t know. For the next few minutes we brainstormed when I came up with an idea. I told Maddie that I was going to play Rokenbok, and if she wanted to she could too. I got down the little remotes, the “station” and the remote-control cars. Rokenbok is the name of the brand that makes these remote control cars. There are little blocks, sort of like legos, and you can build platforms and ramps for the cars. Afterward you can drive the cars around them and up them. This is what Maddie and I spent the hour doing.

I started tiring of the game, and started thinking of ways to annoy Maddie. Maddie is annoyed easily and I know just what bugs her the most. Each time her back was turned, I would pull out her cord connected to her remote. At first Maddie didn’t know what was going on. Then one time, she saw me. She asked me politely to stop. I told her I would and we kept on playing. I pulled the cord again when I thought she wasn’t looking, but she saw me again. She politely, but firmly, told me to stop. I told Maddie I would and we kept on playing. This went on for several times and each time Maddie got sicker and sicker of it. She yelled at me to quit it and I said I would, but as soon as her back was turned I pulled the cord. Of course by now Maddie knew who was pulling the cord, so this time would be my last.

Maddie turned around and hit me straight in the forhead with her remote. I gasped and fell against the couch, my pain was so intense. I started to cry, and Maddie realized she had made a huge mistake. She started to ask me what was the matter, as if she didn’t know, and tried to rub my back. I had meanwhile put my hands up to my head and was holding the wound. I lifted my hands, and was startled by their appearance. What I saw was my two hands I saw that they were covered in blood. I didn’t know that my head had that much blood in them! I started crying again, more like bawling, and I ran upstairs.

Maddie was close on my heels as I ran into the kitchen and tried to make out what had happened. As soon as Mom and Dad saw the gash and the blood, they sat me down on a chair and pressed a towel onto the wound. As Mom hurried around the kitchen getting bandages, medicine, and gauze, I tried to tell Dad what had happened. Maddie stood close by my chair and hoped she wouldn’t be majorly punished. Dad was very angry when I told him that Maddie was the cause of this owie. She hung her head and felt terrible. Dad started giving Maddie a lecture all the while fixing up my forehead. Dad pressed the wound to make sure that it didn’t bleed that much any more. Then he washed it, and applied some antiseptic. After that was through he put on a bandage and pronounced me “healed”. I didn’t feel very healed, but I went along with it.

Dad talked to Maddie after he was done with me. I heard every word, and was astonished when Dad said he might ground Maddie. I had a very big heart and when I saw Maddie start to cry I begged Dad not to punish her that badly. Dad hesitated, then said he wouldn’t ground her, but there still would be some punishment. Maddie looked at me and said thank you with relief. Dad told her to, but even then she would have said thank you. After this whole affair, Dad went outside to start dinner and life returned to normal. Maddie and I have been the best of friends ever since.

That is my story when someone helped me. The person that helped me was my Dad. If he hadn’t been around, my mom would have probably driven me to the hospital! Instead my Dad could fix me up and make my head feel better. Some people are too proud to be helped, but I know that people want to help people when others are in need. I am glad that we can help people, and I look forward to helping many more people to come.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning. It establishes a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides description and details that are all relevant to the task.

In the beginning, what happened before the main event is demonstrated very effectively. (“ It was a bright summer afternoon. I was bored out of my mind in the house, so I wandered downstairs. There I met Maddie my sister who was playing a game. She too was bored so we decided to play Barbies. Slowly I began to lose interest. I asked Maddie what she wanted to do. She answered that she didn’t know. For the next few minutes we brainstormed when I came up with an idea. I told Maddie that I was going to play Rokenbok, and if she wanted to she could too. I got down the little remotes, the “station” and the remote-control cars. Rokenbok is the name of the brand that makes these remote control cars. There are little blocks, sort of like legos, and you can build platforms and ramps for the cars. Afterward you can drive the cars around them and up them. This is what Maddie and I spent the hour doing.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are developed very effectively. (“ Dad talked to Maddie after he was done with me. I heard every word, and was astonished when Dad said he might ground Maddie. I had a very big heart and when I saw Maddie start to cry I begged Dad not to punish her that badly. Dad hesitated, then said he wouldn’t ground her, but there still would be some punishment. Maddie looked at me and said thank you with relief. Dad told her to, but even then she would have said thank you. After this whole affair, Dad went outside to start dinner and life returned to normal. Maddie and I have been the best of friends ever since.”)

The sensory words (words that describe how something looks, tastes, sound, feels, or smells) are developed very effectively. (“ Maddie turned around and hit me straight in the forhead with her remote. I gasped and fell against the couch, my pain was so intense. I started to cry, and Maddie realized she had made a huge mistake. She started to ask me what was the matter, as if she didn’t know, and tried to rub my back. I had meanwhile put my hands up to my head and was holding the wound. I lifted my hands, and was startled by their appearance. What I saw was my two hands I saw that they were covered in blood. I didn’t know that my head had that much blood in them! I started crying again, more like bawling, and I ran upstairs.”)

Content & Development

The essay has very effective content and development. It provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting and creates complex characters. The essay clearly establishes conflict that heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used very effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

The plot is very effectively developed. (“Maddie was close on my heels as I ran into the kitchen and tried to make out what had happened. As soon as Mom and Dad saw the gash and the blood, they sat me down on a chair and pressed a towel onto the wound. As Mom hurried around the kitchen getting bandages, medicine, and gauze, I tried to tell Dad what had happened. Maddie stood close by my chair and hoped she wouldn’t be majorly punished. Dad was very angry when I told him that Maddie was the cause of this owie. She hung her head and felt terrible. Dad started giving Maddie a lecture all the while fixing up my forehead. Dad pressed the wound to make sure that it didn’t bleed that much any more. Then he washed it, and applied some antiseptic. After that was through he put on a bandage and pronounced me “healed”. I didn’t feel very healed, but I went along with it.”)

There is very effective information about what happened before the event. (“Maddie turned around and hit me straight in the forhead with her remote. I gasped and fell against the couch, my pain was so intense. I started to cry, and Maddie realized she had made a huge mistake. She started to ask me what was the matter, as if she didn’t know, and tried to rub my back. I had meanwhile put my hands up to my head and was holding the wound. I lifted my hands, and was startled by their appearance. What I saw was my two hands I saw that they were covered in blood. I didn’t know that my head had that much blood in them! I started crying again, more like bawling, and I ran upstairs.”)

Details very effectively describe the problem in the essay and why it is a problem, and details very effectively describe the solution. (“Maddie was close on my heels as I ran into the kitchen and tried to make out what had happened. As soon as Mom and Dad saw the gash and the blood, they sat me down on a chair and pressed a towel onto the wound. As Mom hurried around the kitchen getting bandages, medicine, and gauze, I tried to tell Dad what had happened. Maddie stood close by my chair and hoped she wouldn’t be majorly punished. Dad was very angry when I told him that Maddie was the cause of this owie. She hung her head and felt terrible. Dad started giving Maddie a lecture all the while fixing up my forehead. Dad pressed the wound to make sure that it didn’t bleed that much any more. Then he washed it, and applied some antiseptic. After that was through he put on a bandage and pronounced me “healed”. I didn’t feel very healed, but I went along with it. …Dad talked to Maddie after he was done with me. I heard every word, and was astonished when Dad said he might ground Maddie. I had a very big heart and when I saw Maddie start to cry I begged Dad not to punish her that badly. Dad hesitated, then said he wouldn’t ground her, but there still would be some punishment. Maddie looked at me and said thank you with relief. Dad told her to, but even then she would have said thank you. After this whole affair, Dad went outside to start dinner and life returned to normal. Maddie and I have been the best of friends ever since. …That is my story when someone helped me. The person that helped me was my Dad. If he hadn’t been around, my mom would have probably driven me to the hospital! Instead my Dad could fix me up and make my head feel better. Some people are too proud to be helped, but I know that people want to help people when others are in need. I am glad that we can help people, and I look forward to helping many more people to come.”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. It captures readers’ attention with a clever opening. The essay flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development, and the conclusion pulls everything together.

The beginning demonstrates a very effective attempt to grab readers’ attention with details by including a question. (“Have you ever had a crisis in your life, or an injury, that needed another person’s help? I have. I know that I can’t take care of everything by myself. Other people can reach out to me to help me in different needs and times. I will now tell about an experience when someone helped me.”)

The ending very effectively includes details about the resolution and main character’s feelings. (“That is my story when someone helped me. The person that helped me was my Dad. If he hadn’t been around, my mom would have probably driven me to the hospital! Instead my Dad could fix me up and make my head feel better. Some people are too proud to be helped, but I know that people want to help people when others are in need. I am glad that we can help people, and I look forward to helping many more people to come.”)

The beginning and the ending are connected very effectively. In the introduction, the writer indicates that he/she will write about a person that once helped him/her, and the conclusion returns to this idea. (“Have you ever had a crisis in your life, or an injury, that needed another person’s help? I have. I know that I can’t take care of everything by myself. Other people can reach out to me to help me in different needs and times. I will now tell about an experience when someone helped me. … That is my story when someone helped me. The person that helped me was my Dad. If he hadn’t been around, my mom would have probably driven me to the hospital! Instead my Dad could fix me up and make my head feel better. Some people are too proud to be helped, but I know that people want to help people when others are in need. I am glad that we can help people, and I look forward to helping many more people to come.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has very effective language use and style. It demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience; well-structured and varied sentences are also used.

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“ Dad talked to Maddie after he was done with me. I heard every word, and was astonished when Dad said he might ground Maddie. I had a very big heart and when I saw Maddie start to cry I begged Dad not to punish her that badly. Dad hesitated, then said he wouldn’t ground her, but there still would be some punishment. Maddie looked at me and said thank you with relief. Dad told her to, but even then she would have said thank you. After this whole affair, Dad went outside to start dinner and life returned to normal. Maddie and I have been the best of friends ever since.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ Maddie was close on my heels as I ran into the kitchen and tried to make out what had happened. As soon as Mom and Dad saw the gash and the blood, they sat me down on a chair and pressed a towel onto the wound. As Mom hurried around the kitchen getting bandages, medicine, and gauze, I tried to tell Dad what had happened. Maddie stood close by my chair and hoped she wouldn’t be majorly punished. Dad was very angry when I told him that Maddie was the cause of this owie. She hung her head and felt terrible. Dad started giving Maddie a lecture all the while fixing up my forehead. Dad pressed the wound to make sure that it didn’t bleed that much any more. Then he washed it, and applied some antiseptic. After that was through he put on a bandage and pronounced me “healed”. I didn’t feel very healed, but I went along with it. …Dad talked to Maddie after he was done with me. I heard every word, and was astonished when Dad said he might ground Maddie. I had a very big heart and when I saw Maddie start to cry I begged Dad not to punish her that badly. Dad hesitated, then said he wouldn’t ground her, but there still would be some punishment. Maddie looked at me and said thank you with relief. Dad told her to, but even then she would have said thank you. After this whole affair, Dad went outside to start dinner and life returned to normal. Maddie and I have been the best of friends ever since.”)

The complex sentence, “ As Mom hurried around the kitchen getting bandages, medicine, and gauze, I tried to tell Dad what had happened,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions with few er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling.

Each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action). (“ I started to cry, and Maddie realized she had made a huge mistake.”)

Each sentence ends with a punctuation mark. (“ I didn’t feel very healed, but I went along with it.”)

Each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ That is my story when someone helped me.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

One time when I was four I fell asleep next to a Bourne Identity movie case. It was blue and was very dusty. I am highly allergic to dust. I fell asleep at eight pm and woke up at ten pm. When I woke up I was coughing like a dog bark. It was loud and rough, it hurt like a finger nail cutting into my throat. It was getting worse, I couldn’t breathe! I was so scared! I thought I as going to die then and there. My parents were scared too. They put me in the car and left my fourteen year old sister and my eleven year old sister alone.

My mom buckled me into my green and blue checker booster seat. My dad quickly jumped into the drivers seat of our white astro van. My dad drove at about eight miles an hour into the neighboring city of Huntington Beach , Newport Beach . We drove up this windy road with no street lights. I stuck my head out of the window thinking since we were going so fast it would push air into my coughing mouth and down my throat to my lungs. When we got to Hoag Hospital my dad couldn’t find parking. My mom and dad traded places, my mom was in the drivers seat. My dad hurridly unbuckled me and carried me into the hospital while my mom found a parking spot.

There was a waiting room when we first walked in. I saw this man who was weasing. He looked like he was eighty years old. My dad went up to the lady at the front desk. Her desk was a dark metal on the bottom and a light wood on the top.

My dad said, “My daughter can’t breath!”

I remember my mom coming in and her hugging me. I was laid down on a bed on wheels and rolled down a hallway. This nice lady was looking down on me, I think she was a doctor. I passed out untill about two am. I woke up in a room with hanging cloth walls. They were pea green and looked like they should be on a tent. I had an oxygen mask on. It was clean air. It smelt crisp mand cool, it feel wonderful when it tickled my throat. I had to get a shot ,and later I went home.

My parents helped me. My parents helped by getting me there and being there when I woke up because they could have saved my life, who knows what would had happened with out them. I am lucky to have people to help me.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer establishes good focus and meaning. The essay demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The essay provides description and details that are all relevant to the story of an incident when the writer received help from someone.

The essay states the main event well. (“One time when I was four I fell asleep next to a Bourne Identity movie case. It was blue and was very dusty. I am highly allergic to dust. I fell asleep at eight pm and woke up at ten pm. When I woke up I was coughing like a dog bark. It was loud and rough, it hurt like a finger nail cutting into my throat. It was getting worse, I couldn't breathe! I was so scared! I thought I as going to die then and there. My parents were scared too. They put me in the car and left my fourteen year old sister and my eleven year old sister alone.”)

The setting (where and when the event takes place) is developed effectively. (“ My mom buckled me into my green and blue checker booster seat. My dad quickly jumped into the drivers seat of our white astro van. My dad drove at about eight miles an hour into the neighboring city of Huntington Beach , Newport Beach . We drove up this windy road with no street lights.”)

The sensory words (words that describe how something looks, tastes, sound, feels, or smells) are developed effectively. (“One time when I was four I fell asleep next to a Bourne Identity movie case. It was blue and was very dusty. I am highly allergic to dust. I fell asleep at eight pm and woke up at ten pm. When I woke up I was coughing like a dog bark. It was loud and rough, it hurt like a finger nail cutting into my throat. It was getting worse, I couldn’t breathe! I was so scared! I thought I as going to die then and there. My parents were scared too. They put me in the car and left my fourteen year old sister and my eleven year old sister alone.”)

The details of the essay support the topic and purpose effectively. (“I remember my mom coming in and her hugging me. I was laid down on a bed on wheels and rolled down a hallway. This nice lady was looking down on me, I think she was a doctor. I passed out untill about two am. I woke up in a room with hanging cloth walls. They were pea green and looked like they should be on a tent. I had an oxygen mask on. It was clean air. It smelt crisp mand cool, it feel wonderful when it tickled my throat. I had to get a shot and later I went home.”)

Content & Development

This essay shows evidence of good content and development. It provides a well-developed plot and setting and creates believable characters. The essay establishes tension that heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Detail is used to develop the main events of the essay effectively. (“My mom buckled me into my green and blue checker booster seat. My dad quickly jumped into the drivers seat of our white astro van. My dad drove at about eight miles an hour into the neighboring city of Huntington Beach , Newport Beach . We drove up this windy road with no street lights. I stuck my head out of the window thinking since we were going so fast it would push air into my coughing mouth and down my throat to my lungs. When we got to Hoag Hospital my dad couldn’t find parking. My mom and dad traded places, my mom was in the drivers seat. My dad hurridly unbuckled me and carried me into the hospital while my mom found a parking spot.”)

Dialogue is used effectively to illustrate the problem. (“My dad said, ‘My daughter can’t breath!’”)

Details effectively describe the essay’s problem and why it is a problem. (“ One time when I was four I fell asleep next to a Bourne Identity movie case. It was blue and was very dusty. I am highly allergic to dust. I fell asleep at eight pm and woke up at ten pm. When I woke up I was coughing like a dog bark. It was loud and rough, it hurt like a finger nail cutting into my throat. It was getting worse, I couldn’t breathe! I was so scared!”)

The resolution is effectively described. (“I remember my mom coming in and her hugging me. I was laid down on a bed on wheels and rolled down a hallway. This nice lady was looking down on me, I think she was a doctor. I passed out untill about two am. I woke up in a room with hanging cloth walls. They were pea green and looked like they should be on a tent. I had an oxygen mask on. It was clean air. It smelt crisp mand cool, it feel wonderful when it tickled my throat. I had to get a shot and later I went home. …My parents helped me. My parents helped by getting me there and being there when I woke up because they could have saved my life, who knows what would had happened with out them. I am lucky to have people to help me.”)

Organization

This essay shows evidence of good organization. The opening excites readers to continue reading. The essay flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development, including a conclusion that provides readers with a sense of completeness.

The mood in the beginning is set effectively with sensory words (feels, smells, looks, sounds, etc.). (“ One time when I was four I fell asleep next to a Bourne Identity movie case. It was blue and was very dusty. I am highly allergic to dust. I fell asleep at eight pm and woke up at ten pm. When I woke up I was coughing like a dog bark. It was loud and rough, it hurt like a finger nail cutting into my throat. It was getting worse, I couldn’t breathe! I was so scared! I thought I as going to die then and there. My parents were scared too. They put me in the car and left my fourteen year old sister and my eleven year old sister alone.”)

The essay effectively grabs readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ One time when I was four I fell asleep next to a Bourne Identity movie case. It was blue and was very dusty. I am highly allergic to dust. I fell asleep at eight pm and woke up at ten pm. When I woke up I was coughing like a dog bark. It was loud and rough, it hurt like a finger nail cutting into my throat. It was getting worse, I couldn’t breathe! I was so scared! I thought I as going to die then and there. My parents were scared too. They put me in the car and left my fourteen year old sister and my eleven year old sister alone.”)

The ending effectively includes details about the resolution and character’s feelings. (“ My parents helped me. My parents helped by getting me there and being there when I woke up because they could have saved my life, who knows what would had happened with out them. I am lucky to have people to help me.”)

Language Use & Style

There is good use of language and style in this essay. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; the writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety .

The language and tone are consistent. (“ My mom buckled me into my green and blue checker booster seat. My dad quickly jumped into the drivers seat of our white astro van. My dad drove at about eight miles an hour into the neighboring city of Huntington Beach , Newport Beach . We drove up this windy road with no street lights. I stuck my head out of the window thinking since we were going so fast it would push air into my coughing mouth and down my throat to my lungs. When we got to Hoag Hospital my dad couldn’t find parking. My mom and dad traded places, my mom was in the drivers seat. My dad hurridly unbuckled me and carried me into the hospital while my mom found a parking spot.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ I remember my mom coming in and her hugging me. I was laid down on a bed on wheels and rolled down a hallway. This nice lady was looking down on me, I think she was a doctor. I passed out untill about two am. I woke up in a room with hanging cloth walls. They were pea green and looked like they should be on a tent. I had an oxygen mask on. It was clean air. It smelt crisp mand cool, it feel wonderful when it tickled my throat. I had to get a shot ,and later I went home. …My parents helped me. My parents helped by getting me there and being there when I woke up because they could have saved my life, who knows what would had happened with out them. I am lucky to have people to help me.”)

The following compound sentence is used effectively: “ I had to get a shot, and later I went home.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates good control of conventions and mechanics. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, which do not interfere with the message.

Most sentences have a subject and a verb. (“ My dad drove at about eight miles an hour into the neighboring city of Huntington Beach , Newport Beach .”)

Most sentences end with a punctuation mark. (“ They put me in the car and left my fourteen year old sister and my eleven year old sister alone.

Most sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ They put me in the car and left my fourteen year old sister and my eleven year old sister alone.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

When someone helped me I needed help in riding a bike. I could not ride a bike for anything in the world. Everytime I would try I would fall off the bike and just quit.

Then I would have just ran in the house and was mad at myself for quitting. My mother asked me what was the matter, I told her, “I could not ride a bike. She said, That’s not nothing to be mad at, Robena. She told me go back outside and keep trying and if you don’t get it then get back on the bike and try again until you get it. My mothers words were very encouraing so I went back outside and got on the bike again. I did not know if I could really get back on my bike.

I had got on the bike, pushed myself a little and started pedaling very slowly with a little bit of enthusiasum. But then I realized I was riding my bike without stumbaling or falling. I was so excited for myself . It was like I never rode a bike before without someone helping me get up when I fell off my bike. The real problem was that when I would get on a bike my weight was not balanced right and that’s what made me fall off. So when I finished my acomplishment I was delighted and I ran back in the house and told my mother that I do not have any more troubles about riding my bike.

Now when my friend Zhane’ tell me Do I want to come outside to ride our bikes the word is going to be Yeah! Then I could have fun with all my friends and not have to ride the scooter again. My mother was very proud of me and my best friend Zhane’. I could ride my bike to the store and to the park instead of walking with my friend.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides description and details that are relevant to the story of an incident when the writer received help from someone.

The writer states the main event adequately. (“When someone helped me I needed help in riding a bike. I could not ride a bike for anything in the world. Everytime I would try I would fall off the bike and just quit.”)

The events in the essay are consistent with the prompt. (“Then I would have just ran in the house and was mad at myself for quitting. My mother asked me what was the matter, I told her, “I could not ride a bike. She said, That’s not nothing to be mad at, Robena. She told me go back outside and keep trying and if you don’t get it then get back on the bike and try again until you get it. My mothers words were very encouraing so I went back outside and got on the bike again. I did not know if I could really get back on my bike. …I had got on the bike, pushed myself a little and started peadiling very slowly with a little bit of enthusiasum. But then I realized I was riding my bike without stumbaling or falling. I was so excited for myself . It was like I never rode a bike before without someone helping me get up when I fell off my bike. The real problem was that when I would get on a bike my weight was not balanced right and that’s what made me fall off. So when I finished my acomplishment I was delighted and I ran back in the house and told my mother that I do not have any more troubles about riding my bike.”)

The parts of the essay relate to the main event. (“ I had got on the bike, pushed myself a little and started pedaling very slowly with a little bit of enthusiasum. But then I realized I was riding my bike without stumbaling or falling. I was so excited for myself . It was like I never rode a bike before without someone helping me get up when I fell off my bike. The real problem was that when I would get on a bike my weight was not balanced right and that’s what made me fall off. So when I finished my acomplishment I was delighted and I ran back in the house and told my mother that I do not have any more troubles about riding my bike.”)

Content & Development

Adequate content and development are seen in this essay. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting. The essay creates believable characters and establishes the problem that holds readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Adequate detail is used to develop the main events of the essay. (“I had got on the bike, pushed myself a little and started pedaling very slowly with a little bit of enthusiasum. But then I realized I was riding my bike without stumbaling or falling. I was so excited for myself . It was like I never rode a bike before without someone helping me get up when I fell off my bike. The real problem was that when I would get on a bike my weight was not balanced right and that’s what made me fall off. So when I finished my acomplishment I was delighted and I ran back in the house and told my mother that I do not have any more troubles about riding my bike.”)

Details adequately describe the essay’s problem (that the writer has trouble riding a bike). (“Then I would have just ran in the house and was mad at myself for quitting. My mother asked me what was the matter, I told her, “I could not ride a bike. She said, That’s not nothing to be mad at, Robena. She told me go back outside and keep trying and if you don’t get it then get back on the bike and try again until you get it. My mothers words were very encouraing so I went back outside and got on the bike again. I did not know if I could really get back on my bike.”)

Details adequately describe the essay’s solution. (“I had got on the bike, pushed myself a little and started pedaling very slowly with a little bit of enthusiasum. But then I realized I was riding my bike without stumbaling or falling. I was so excited for myself . It was like I never rode a bike before without someone helping me get up when I fell off my bike. The real problem was that when I would get on a bike my weight was not balanced right and that’s what made me fall off. So when I finished my acomplishment I was delighted and I ran back in the house and told my mother that I do not have any more troubles about riding my bike.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates adequate organization. It provides an interesting opening that keeps readers reading. The essay generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transitions to support sequential development.

Transitions are used subtly in the essay to connect events. (“ Now when my friend Zhane’ tell me Do I want to come outside to ride our bikes the word is going to be Yeah! Then I could have fun with all my friends and not have to ride the scooter again.”)

Events are clearly in order. (“ When someone helped me I needed help in riding a bike. I could not ride a bike for anything in the world. Everytime I would try I would fall off the bike and just quit. …Then I would have just ran in the house and was mad at myself for quitting. My mother asked me what was the matter, I told her, “I could not ride a bike. She said, That’s not nothing to be mad at, Robena. She told me go back outside and keep trying and if you don’t get it then get back on the bike and try again until you get it. My mothers words were very encouraing so I went back outside and got on the bike again. I did not know if I could really get back on my bike. …I had got on the bike, pushed myself a little and started pedaling very slowly with a little bit of enthusiasum. But then I realized I was riding my bike without stumbaling or falling. I was so excited for myself . It was like I never rode a bike before without someone helping me get up when I fell off my bike. The real problem was that when I would get on a bike my weight was not balanced right and that’s what made me fall off. So when I finished my acomplishment I was delighted and I ran back in the house and told my mother that I do not have any more troubles about riding my bike.”)

The essay includes an adequate ending. (“ Now when my friend Zhane’ tell me Do I want to come outside to ride our bikes the word is going to be Yeah! Then I could have fun with all my friends and not have to ride the scooter again. My mother was very proud of me and my best friend Zhane’. I could ride my bike to the store and to the park instead of walking with my friend. ”)

The ending includes details about the resolution and characters’ feelings. (“ Now when my friend Zhane’ tell me Do I want to come outside to ride our bikes the word is going to be Yeah! Then I could have fun with all my friends and not have to ride the scooter again. My mother was very proud of me and my best friend Zhane’. I could ride my bike to the store and to the park instead of walking with my friend. ”)

Language Use & Style

The essay shows evidence of adequate language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice; the writer also generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ I had got on the bike, pushed myself a little and started pedaling very slowly with a little bit of enthusiasum. But then I realized I was riding my bike without stumbaling or falling. I was so excited for myself . It was like I never rode a bike before without someone helping me get up when I fell off my bike. The real problem was that when I would get on a bike my weight was not balanced right and that’s what made me fall off. So when I finished my acomplishment I was delighted and I ran back in the house and told my mother that I do not have any more troubles about riding my bike.”)

Exact and specific words from the research and the prompt task are used adequately. (“ When someone helped me I needed help in riding a bike. I could not ride a bike for anything in the world. Everytime I would try I would fall off the bike and just quit.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor, as the word “mad” is used and repeated twice within the following paragraph: “ Then I would have just ran in the house and was mad at myself for quitting. My mother asked me what was the matter, I told her, “I could not ride a bike. She said, That’s not nothing to be mad at, Robena. She told me go back outside and keep trying and if you don’t get it then get back on the bike and try again until you get it.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates adequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Many sentences have a subject and a verb. (“ I could ride my bike to the store and to the park instead of walking with my friend.”)

Many sentences end with a punctuation mark. (“ I did not know if I could really get back on my bike.”)

Many sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ I was so excited for myself .”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

When someone helped me I was 9 years old. They helped me because was screaming so loud and that I had broken my arm. They helped me a lot. I was cring so loud they heard me. I cried a lot when I was 9 years oldand he did help me.

It all started when I was doing slam dunks off my dog’s dogglue. On my the third dunk the ball hit the rim and I fell. When I fell , I landed on my hand and my arm strate up. When that happend I knew I broke my arm. Then my nabour came ovre and helped me. After all of that Iwent to a walk in doctor. It turned out that I was right , I did have a broken arm.

i was so glad that I had my naboure . I still dont know how to thank him , but I cant thank him because he moved before I could reily thank him. I wont ever forget him or what he did. I’m so greatful for what he did for me. I can’t belive he did what he did. Someone did help me and I am greatful for that.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides description and details that may not be relevant to the story in the essay.

The main event is stated in the essay. (“When someone helped me I was 9 years old. They helped me because was screaming so loud and that I had broken my arm. They helped me a lot. I was cring so loud they heard me. I cried a lot when I was 9 years oldand he did help me.”)

In the beginning, the supporting events in the essay are stated limitedly. (“When someone helped me I was 9 years old. They helped me because was screaming so loud and that I had broken my arm. They helped me a lot. I was cring so loud they heard me. I cried a lot when I was 9 years oldand he did help me.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“It all started when I was doing slam dunks off my dog’s dogglue. On my the third dunk the ball hit the rim and I fell. When I fell , I landed on my hand and my arm strate up. When that happend I knew I broke my arm. Then my nabour came ovre and helped me. After all of that Iwent to a walk in doctor. It turned out that I was right , I did have a broken arm.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. It provides an adequately developed plot, setting, and characters, but lacks sufficient detail to make this more than a summary of what happens in the essay. The problem may be stated, but it is not developed.

Limited detail is used to develop the main events in the essay. (“It all started when I was doing slam dunks off my dog’s dogglue. On my the third dunk the ball hit the rim and I fell. When I fell , I landed on my hand and my arm strate up. When that happend I knew I broke my arm. Then my nabour came ovre and helped me. After all of that Iwent to a walk in doctor. It turned out that I was right , I did have a broken arm.”)

The characters are developed in only limited detail. (“i was so glad that I had my naboure . I still dont know how to thank him , but I cant thank him because he moved before I could reily thank him. I wont ever forget him or what he did. I’m so greatful for what he did for me. I can’t belive he did what he did. Someone did help me and I am greatful for that.”)

The plot is limited, as it includes only one short body paragraph. (“It all started when I was doing slam dunks off my dog’s dogglue. On my the third dunk the ball hit the rim and I fell. When I fell , I landed on my hand and my arm strate up. When that happend I knew I broke my arm. Then my nabour came ovre and helped me. After all of that Iwent to a walk in doctor. It turned out that I was right , I did have a broken arm.”)

Organization

Limited organization is apparent in this essay. The writing provides just an adequate opening that may not hold readers’ attention. The flow of the essay may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Its transitions may be weak, and the conclusion provides readers with some sense of closure.

The beginning demonstrates a limited attempt to grab readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“It all started when I was doing slam dunks off my dog’s dogglue. On my the third dunk the ball hit the rim and I fell. When I fell , I landed on my hand and my arm strate up. When that happend I knew I broke my arm. Then my nabour came ovre and helped me. After all of that Iwent to a walk in doctor. It turned out that I was right , I did have a broken arm.”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the essay and lead readers through the plot. (“ Then my nabour came ovre and helped me. After all of that Iwent to a walk in doctor.”)

The essay demonstrates a limited ending. (“ i was so glad that I had my naboure . I still dont know how to thank him , but I cant thank him because he moved before I could reily thank him. I wont ever forget him or what he did. I’m so greatful for what he did for me. I can’t belive he did what he did. Someone did help me and I am greatful for that.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates limited language use and style. It shows evidence of simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and a reliance on simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety and word choice.

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ When someone helped me I was 9 years old. They helped me because was screaming so loud and that I had broken my arm. They helped me a lot. I was cring so loud they heard me. I cried a lot when I was 9 years oldand he did help me.”)

The writer uses the same word or group of words to begin the two sentences in the paragraph, such as the word “I.” (“ i was so glad that I had my naboure . I still dont know how to thank him , but I cant thank him because he moved before I could reily thank him. I wont ever forget him or what he did. I’m so greatful for what he did for me. I can’t belive he did what he did. Someone did help me and I am greatful for that.”)

There is repetition. (“ i was so glad that I had my naboure . I still dont know how to thank him , but I cant thank him because he moved before I could reily thank him. I wont ever forget him or what he did. I’m so greatful for what he did for me. I can’t belive he did what he did. Someone did help me and I am greatful for that.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates limited control of conventions and mechanics. It contains several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message.

The essay should include sentences with correctly spelled words. (“I was so glad that I had my naboure . I still dont know how to thank him , but I cant thank him because he moved before I could reily thank him. I wont ever forget him or what he did. I’m so greatful for what he did for me. I can’t belive he did what he did. Someone did help me and I am greatful for that.”)

Apostrophes should be included when necessary. (“ I still dont know how to thank him , but I cant thank him because he moved before I could reily thank him. I wont ever forget him or what he did.”)

Each sentence should begin with a capital letter. (“ i was so glad that I had my naboure .”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

One day when i was five i got a jaw braker form my uncle. And it was purpul and i choked on it . so my mom had to beat me and “hak hak”bang it came out . and thin my mom sead thank god i thot you were going to die . but you did not so im happy and your happy because you made it so she helped me up . and thats who helped me.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay has minimal focus and meaning. It demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides description and details that may stray from the point of the essay.

The writer only minimally states the main event. (“One day when i was five i got a jaw braker form my uncle. And it was purpul and i choked on it . so my mom had to beat me and “hak hak”bang it came out . and thin my mom sead thank god i thot you were going to die . but you did not so im happy and your happy because you made it so she helped me up . and thats who helped me.”)

The audience for the essay is often not clear. (“One day when i was five i got a jaw braker form my uncle. And it was purpul and i choked on it . so my mom had to beat me and “hak hak”bang it came out . and thin my mom sead thank god i thot you were going to die . but you did not so im happy and your happy because you made it so she helped me up . and thats who helped me.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“One day when i was five i got a jaw braker form my uncle. And it was purpul and i choked on it . so my mom had to beat me and “hak hak”bang it came out . and thin my mom sead thank god i thot you were going to die . but you did not so im happy and your happy because you made it so she helped me up . and thats who helped me.”)

Content & Development

This essay shows evidence of minimal content and development. It provides a minimally developed plot and setting. The characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story in the essay and lacks tension or conflict to make it interesting. Little dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Minimal detail is used to develop the main events. (“One day when i was five i got a jaw braker form my uncle. And it was purpul and i choked on it . so my mom had to beat me and “hak hak”bang it came out . and thin my mom sead thank god i thot you were going to die . but you did not so im happy and your happy because you made it so she helped me up . and thats who helped me.”)

The setting is not developed in detail. (“One day when i was five i got a jaw braker form my uncle. And it was purpul and i choked on it . so my mom had to beat me and “hak hak”bang it came out . and thin my mom sead thank god i thot you were going to die . but you did not so im happy and your happy because you made it so she helped me up . and thats who helped me.”)

The characters are not developed in detail. (“One day when i was five i got a jaw braker form my uncle. And it was purpul and i choked on it . so my mom had to beat me and “hak hak”bang it came out . and thin my mom sead thank god i thot you were going to die . but you did not so im happy and your happy because you made it so she helped me up . and thats who helped me.”)

The plot is only minimally developed. (“One day when i was five i got a jaw braker form my uncle. And it was purpul and i choked on it . so my mom had to beat me and “hak hak”bang it came out . and thin my mom sead thank god i thot you were going to die . but you did not so im happy and your happy because you made it so she helped me up . and thats who helped me.”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. The flow of the essay may be difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. It demonstrates little evidence of a conclusion.

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the essay. (“One day when i was five i got a jaw braker form my uncle. And it was purpul and i choked on it . so my mom had to beat me and “hak hak”bang it came out . and thin my mom sead thank god i thot you were going to die . but you did not so im happy and your happy because you made it so she helped me up . and thats who helped me.”)

The writer does not effectively grab readers’ attention in the beginning. (“One day when i was five i got a jaw braker form my uncle. And it was purpul and i choked on it . so my mom had to beat me and “hak hak”bang it came out . and thin my mom sead thank god i thot you were going to die . but you did not so im happy and your happy because you made it so she helped me up . and thats who helped me.”)

The essay minimally demonstrates an ending. (“One day when i was five i got a jaw braker form my uncle. And it was purpul and i choked on it . so my mom had to beat me and “hak hak”bang it came out . and thin my mom sead thank god i thot you were going to die . but you did not so im happy and your happy because you made it so she helped me up . and thats who helped me.”)

Language Use & Style

Minimal use of language and style is seen in the essay. It demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience. There are also ba sic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There is repetition, with the word “and” used several times to begin a new sentence. (“One day when i was five i got a jaw braker form my uncle. And it was purpul and i choked on it . so my mom had to beat me and “hak hak”bang it came out . and thin my mom sead thank god i thot you were going to die . but you did not so im happy and your happy because you made it so she helped me up . and thats who helped me.”)

The writer should use more varied and appropriate transitions. (“One day when i was five i got a jaw braker form my uncle. And it was purpul and i choked on it . so my mom had to beat me and “hak hak”bang it came out . and thin my mom sead thank god i thot you were going to die . but you did not so im happy and your happy because you made it so she helped me up . and thats who helped me.”)

The style is not formal. (“One day when i was five i got a jaw braker form my uncle. And it was purpul and i choked on it . so my mom had to beat me and “hak hak”bang it came out . and thin my mom sead thank god i thot you were going to die . but you did not so im happy and your happy because you made it so she helped me up . and thats who helped me.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has minimal control of conventions and mechanics. The essay has errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer does not avoid the use of conjunctions at the beginning of each sentence. (“One day when i was five i got a jaw braker form my uncle. And it was purpul and i choked on it . so my mom had to beat me and “hak hak”bang it came out . and thin my mom sead thank god i thot you were going to die . but you did not so im happy and your happy because you made it so she helped me up . and thats who helped me.”)

The sentences in the essay do not include correctly spelled words. (“One day when i was five i got a jaw braker form my uncle. And it was purpul and i choked on it . so my mom had to beat me and “hak hak”bang it came out . and thin my mom sead thank god i thot you were going to die . but you did not so im happy and your happy because you made it so she helped me up . and thats who helped me.”)

The writer does not begin each sentence with a capital letter. (“ but you did not so im happy and your happy because you made it so she helped me up .”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

one time I was at the restroom. I brought my homework with me my cousin send if I need help I set yes .thin he told me how to count 81-16=65 I thank he never helpt me ever ugin in his hole lief .he shoed me everythang. i wus hapy.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay has inadequate focus and meaning. It demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The essay provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story.

In the beginning, the purpose of the essay is not stated. (“one time I was at the restroom. I brought my homework with me my cousin send if I need help I set yes .thin he told me how to count 81-16=65 I thank he never helpt me ever ugin in his hole lief .he shoed me everythang. i wus hapy.”)

The intended audience is not clear. (“ one time I was at the restroom. I brought my homework with me my cousin send if I need help I set yes .thin he told me how to count 81-16=65 I thank he never helpt me ever ugin in his hole lief .he shoed me everythang. i wus hapy.”)

All parts of the essay do not relate to the main event. (“one time I was at the restroom. I brought my homework with me my cousin send if I need help I set yes .thin he told me how to count 81-16=65 I thank he never helpt me ever ugin in his hole lief .he shoed me everythang. i wus hapy.”)

Content & Development

The essay demonstrates inadequate content and development. It lacks an identifiable plot and setting. The characters are introduced, but they are not developed. In addition, there is a lack of tension or conflict to make the essay interesting to follow.

The setting is not developed in detail. (“one time I was at the restroom. I brought my homework with me my cousin send if I need help I set yes .thin he told me how to count 81-16=65 I thank he never helpt me ever ugin in his hole lief .he shoed me everythang. i wus hapy.”)

The characters are not developed in detail. (“one time I was at the restroom. I brought my homework with me my cousin send if I need help I set yes .thin he told me how to count 81-16=65 I thank he never helpt me ever ugin in his hole lief .he shoed me everythang. i wus hapy.”)

There is no dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud). (“one time I was at the restroom. I brought my homework with me my cousin send if I need help I set yes .thin he told me how to count 81-16=65 I thank he never helpt me ever ugin in his hole lief .he shoed me everythang. i wus hapy.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates inadequate organization. It lacks basic structure (beginning, middle, and end) with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas. Transitional devices are also lacking.

The essay does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning. (“one time I was at the restroom. I brought my homework with me my cousin send if I need help I set yes .thin he told me how to count 81-16=65 I thank he never helpt me ever ugin in his hole lief .he shoed me everythang. i wus hapy.”)

The beginning does not include background information about the event. (“one time I was at the restroom. I brought my homework with me my cousin send if I need help I set yes .thin he told me how to count 81-16=65 I thank he never helpt me ever ugin in his hole lief .he shoed me everythang. i wus hapy.”)

The ending does not leave readers with something to think about, for example, how to find out more about the subject. (“one time I was at the restroom. I brought my homework with me my cousin send if I need help I set yes .thin he told me how to count 81-16=65 I thank he never helpt me ever ugin in his hole lief .he shoed me everythang. i wus hapy.”)

Language Use & Style

Inadequate language use and style are apparent in this essay. The writing demonstrates unclear language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ I brought my homework with me my cousin send if I need help I set yes .thin he told me how to count 81-16=65 I thank he never helpt me ever ugin in his hole lief .”)

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ he shoed me everythang. i wus hapy.”)

The style is not formal. (“one time I was at the restroom. I brought my homework with me my cousin send if I need help I set yes .thin he told me how to count 81-16=65 I thank he never helpt me ever ugin in his hole lief .he shoed me everythang. i wus hapy.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has inadequate control of conventions and mechanics. E rrors are so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer does not watch for run-on sentences. (“I brought my homework with me my cousin send if I need help I set yes .thin he told me how to count 81-16=65 I thank he never helpt me ever ugin in his hole lief .”)

The writer does not use punctuation correctly. (“one time I was at the restroom. I brought my homework with me my cousin send if I need help I set yes .thin he told me how to count 81-16=65 I thank he never helpt me ever ugin in his hole lief .he shoed me everythang. i wus hapy.”)

The writer does not begin each sentence with a capital letter. (“one time I was at the restroom.”)

Your Life as a Drop of Water

You are a water drop. Write a story that describes your life as a gas, a liquid, and a solid. Start from the time you were water vapor in the clouds, and then describe what it was like to fall to the ground as rain. Finally, tell the reader how you then became an icicle!

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

On a pleasant day life was just normal. It was a perfect day the sun shining and the cotton candy in the sky as fluffy as ever. Hello! I am Splash, the raindrop, aka "Ladies Man", and this is my family: Dropette my sister, and my twin brothers, Con and Dense. My mother and father died on a heroic quest to save the city Cumulusville from the evil Stratus; the sad part is that they did not succeed and the city fell to Stratus. So, we’re a lot like orphans. But it is not so bad. I mean we are the kin of great heroes, and we live in a room at a hotel that Dropette paid for with her savings. The room has three water beds to sleep in, a water purifier to bathe ourselves with, and a huge navy blue water clock.

On a bland morning, my sister and I went for a long and peaceful walk. All of a sudden, a dark sky was coming over head; this almost never happens. The residents of our town were bustling and dripping past each other. The mysterious sky was right over head, it started turning everything a depressing gray even the ground beneath us changed the boring color. Then everybody in the group began to shout and drizzle away. I could not focus in the mad mob of water drops. After everyone sprinted away, I noticed what all the commotion was about, Stratus is here. An evil hiss came from above, and the ground started to fall out from under me. I screamed out for Dropette, but she was nowhere to be seen. Then everything disappeared, the city in which I lived, the towns folk, everything was gone. My body started to descend into the blackness below, faster and faster I went. An amazing sight occurred, the people screaming as they fell. I thought I spotted Con, or was it Dense, I do not know, they look so much alike. Well, then again they are twins. I tried yelling out for them, but they could not hear with all of the ruckus coming from the people. Down and down I went until the ground was still several feet below. Then everything went black as I hit the dirt.

When I regained consciousness, I pried my eyes open with the fingers hanging on to my palm. My head swiveled around looking at a vast and vacant plain. no one was in sight. I think I am on a rough cloud because when I fall over I get all scratched up. It is on a slant too. I got up and began to move around, I felt terrible. When I actually started trotting around and fell head over heels tumbling down the slope. I saw a transparent blue shape at the bottom. Trying to slow myself down, I hit the strange object. It released a shock of pain. Once my vision cleared I realized that I had just run into Dropette. She looked different, like she fell in glossy liquid. Instead of a very dense vapor she was a liquid. That would explain why I was not used to the new state. Neither Con or dense was with her. She was now the only one I could see.

We were very joyous and embraced each other. The next week it was beginning to get colder on our journey across the rough terrain. We began to move slower and slower as it got colder. It was in late November. The both of us saw more liquidated people, some of them we recognized. All of them were moving at a very slow pace also. Most of us slid down to the edge of the rough cloud where we saw a great white ravine. Some shouted as they fell into the short height of the gap. As the group of us moved on I looked up at the horizon and saw little particles falling from the sky. They came closer every second, much like me falling. When one of the objects hit the ground, part of the group gathered around it; it was white and looked a lot like one of our people. In fact a closer look proved that it was, but just frozen. It started to get colder as more of them fell down. I was terrified when I hit one of the frozen white flakes to see Dense stuck in it. The people started freezing as it got colder. When it was my turn to freeze, I just stood there as calm as I could and became a solid like everybody else.

As spring came I started to defrost. I was so relieved. I found Dropette and Dense but could not seek out Con. The sun rose faster than you could say “raindrops,” heating up the bumpy terrain faster than normal. Eventually, people began to degrade as fast as the frozen people came from the sky. I started to rise like an alien ship beaming me up and turning into my normal gas-like state. Eventually, after a couple of hours I landed on the solid ground that is where I came from and with a tear in my eye said, "I am home" with a slightly traumatized voice. Stratus went on terrorizing the world. We finally found Con restlessly sleeping in the water bed at our hotel for some odd reason and life was like it had been before this mad cycle of my life had occurred.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the narrative. Throughout the narrative, the writer establishes and maintains an insightful central idea and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she completes all parts of the task using description and details that are all relevant to the story, and may go beyond the limits of the task. The writer showcases his/her creativity with a story about the water cycle from the perspective of a raindrop.

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. Throughout the story, the writer builds anticipation for the inevitable release of raindrops from the clouds and their subsequent adventures on the ground. Readers are drawn into these experiences and can feel as though they are a part of the chaos. (“The mysterious sky was right over head, it started turning everything a depressing gray even the ground beneath us changed the boring color. Then everybody in the group began to shout and drizzle away. I could not focus in the mad mob of water drops. After everyone sprinted away, I noticed what all the commotion was about, Stratus is here. An evil hiss came from above, and the ground started to fall out from under me. I screamed out for Dropette, but she was nowhere to be seen. Then everything disappeared, the city in which I lived, the towns folk, everything was gone. My body started to descend into the blackness below, faster and faster I went. An amazing sight occurred, the people screaming as they fell. I thought I spotted Con, or was it Dense, I do not know, they look so much alike. Well, then again they are twins. I tried yelling out for them, but they could not hear with all of the ruckus coming from the people. Down and down I went until the ground was still several feet below. Then everything went black as I hit the dirt.”)

All of the details in the story maintain the focus on the main event. The readers are pulled into the first-person scenarios, and relevant, effective details are provided to enhance the readers’ experience. The writer succeeds in describing the circumstances and experiences in the life of a raindrop. (“When I regained consciousness, I pried my eyes open with the fingers hanging on to my palm. My head swiveled around looking at a vast and vacant plain. no one was in sight. I think I am on a rough cloud because when I fall over I get all scratched up. It is on a slant too. I got up and began to move around, I felt terrible. When I actually started trotting around and fell head over heels tumbling down the slope. I saw a transparent blue shape at the bottom. Trying to slow myself down, I hit the strange object. It released a shock of pain. Once my vision cleared I realized that I had just run into Dropette. She looked different, like she fell in glossy liquid. Instead of a very dense vapor she was a liquid. That would explain why I was not used to the new state. Neither Con or dense was with her. She was now the only one I could see.”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. All of the writer’s supporting details very effectively communicate the character’s experience of the ongoing water cycle. (“As spring came I started to defrost. I was so relieved. I found Dropette and Dense but could not seek out Con. The sun rose faster than you could say ‘raindrops,’ heating up the bumpy terrain faster than normal. Eventually, people began to degrade as fast as the frozen people came from the sky. I started to rise like an alien ship beaming me up and turning into my normal gas-like state. Eventually, after a couple of hours I landed on the solid ground that is where I came from and with a tear in my eye said, ‘I am home’ with a slightly traumatized voice. Stratus went on terrorizing the world. We finally found Con restlessly sleeping in the water bed at our hotel for some odd reason and life was like it had been before this mad cycle of my life had occurred.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the narrative. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with complex characters that round out the narrative. The writer clearly establishes tension/conflict/a problem and builds to the revelation of the character’s understanding of the water cycle and his experiences of changing forms throughout the story. In doing so, the writer heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story.

There is very effective information about what happened before the event. In the beginning of the story, we are introduced to the world of Splash, the raindrop, and we learn about his family history. (“On a pleasant day life was just normal. It was a perfect day the sun shining and the cotton candy in the sky as fluffy as ever. Hello! I am Splash, the raindrop, aka ‘Ladies Man’, and this is my family: Dropette my sister, and my twin brothers, Con and Dense. My mother and father died on a heroic quest to save the city Cumulusville from the evil Stratus; the sad part is that they did not succeed and the city fell to Stratus. So, we’re a lot like orphans. But it is not so bad. I mean we are the kin of great heroes, and we live in a room at a hotel that Dropette paid for with her savings. The room has three water beds to sleep in, a water purifier to bathe ourselves with, and a huge navy blue water clock.”)

There is very effective information about what happened during the event. Throughout the narrative, the writer provides relevant details as seen through the character’s eyes, such as landing on a rooftop and slowly heading toward a rain gutter. (“When I regained consciousness, I pried my eyes open with the fingers hanging on to my palm. My head swiveled around looking at a vast and vacant plain. no one was in sight. I think I am on a rough cloud because when I fall over I get all scratched up. It is on a slant too. I got up and began to move around, I felt terrible. When I actually started trotting around and fell head over heels tumbling down the slope. I saw a transparent blue shape at the bottom. Trying to slow myself down, I hit the strange object. It released a shock of pain. Once my vision cleared I realized that I had just run into Dropette. She looked different, like she fell in glossy liquid. Instead of a very dense vapor she was a liquid. That would explain why I was not used to the new state. Neither Con or dense was with her. She was now the only one I could see.”)

The characters included in the writer’s story are relevant and believable. For example, the writer includes descriptions of the characters’ emotions when the brother and sister raindrops are reunited; also, Splash is terrified of the unknown as he changes to a solid for the first time. (“We were very joyous and embraced each other. The next week it was beginning to get colder on our journey across the rough terrain. We began to move slower and slower as it got colder. It was in late November. The both of us saw more liquidated people, some of them we recognized. All of them were moving at a very slow pace also. Most of us slid down to the edge of the rough cloud where we saw a great white ravine. Some shouted as they fell into the short height of the gap. As the group of us moved on I looked up at the horizon and saw little particles falling from the sky. They came closer every second, much like me falling. When one of the objects hit the ground, part of the group gathered around it; it was white and looked a lot like one of our people. In fact a closer look proved that it was, but just frozen. It started to get colder as more of them fell down. I was terrified when I hit one of the frozen white flakes to see Dense stuck in it. The people started freezing as it got colder. When it was my turn to freeze, I just stood there as calm as I could and became a solid like everybody else.”)

Organization

The story very effectively captures the readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer personifies a family of raindrops and skillfully paints a picture of a world in the clouds. (“On a pleasant day life was just normal. It was a perfect day the sun shining and the cotton candy in the sky as fluffy as ever. Hello! I am Splash, the raindrop, aka ‘Ladies Man’, and this is my family: Dropette my sister, and my twin brothers, Con and Dense. My mother and father died on a heroic quest to save the city Cumulusville from the evil Stratus; the sad part is that they did not succeed and the city fell to Stratus. So, we’re a lot like orphans. But it is not so bad. I mean we are the kin of great heroes, and we live in a room at a hotel that Dropette paid for with her savings. The room has three water beds to sleep in, a water purifier to bathe ourselves with, and a huge navy blue water clock.”)

Subtle transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“On a bland morning, my sister and I went for a long and peaceful walk. All of a sudden, a dark sky was coming over head; this almost never happens. The residents of our town were bustling and dripping past each other. The mysterious sky was right over head, it started turning everything a depressing gray even the ground beneath us changed the boring color. Then everybody in the group began to shout and drizzle away. I could not focus in the mad mob of water drops. After everyone sprinted away, I noticed what all the commotion was about, Stratus is here. An evil hiss came from above, and the ground started to fall out from under me. I screamed out for Dropette, but she was nowhere to be seen. Then everything disappeared, the city in which I lived, the towns folk, everything was gone.”)

The story demonstrates a very effective ending, emphasizing Splash’s evaporation into a gas once more and the return to his home in the clouds. (“I started to rise like an alien ship beaming me up and turning into my normal gas-like state. Eventually, after a couple of hours I landed on the solid ground that is where I came from and with a tear in my eye said, ‘I am home’ with a slightly traumatized voice. Stratus went on terrorizing the world. We finally found Con restlessly sleeping in the water bed at our hotel for some odd reason and life was like it had been before this mad cycle of my life had occurred.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes precise language choices to effectively illustrate Splash’s experiences as he lands, confused, on a rooftop. (“ When I regained consciousness, I pried my eyes open with the fingers hanging on to my palm. My head swiveled around looking at a vast and vacant plain. no one was in sight. I think I am on a rough cloud because when I fall over I get all scratched up. It is on a slant too. I got up and began to move around, I felt terrible. When I actually started trotting around and fell head over heels tumbling down the slope. I saw a transparent blue shape at the bottom. Trying to slow myself down, I hit the strange object. It released a shock of pain. Once my vision cleared I realized that I had just run into Dropette. She looked different, like she fell in glossy liquid. Instead of a very dense vapor she was a liquid. ” )

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the supporting points of all body paragraphs are related, and how they strengthen the central idea of the story. (“ We were very joyous and embraced each other. The next week it was beginning to get colder on our journey across the rough terrain. We began to move slower and slower as it got colder. It was in late November. The both of us saw more liquidated people, some of them we recognized. All of them were moving at a very slow pace also. Most of us slid down to the edge of the rough cloud where we saw a great white ravine. Some shouted as they fell into the short height of the gap. As the group of us moved on I looked up at the horizon and saw little particles falling from the sky. They came closer every second, much like me falling. When one of the objects hit the ground, part of the group gathered around it; it was white and looked a lot like one of our people. In fact a closer look proved that it was, but just frozen. It started to get colder as more of them fell down. I was terrified when I hit one of the frozen white flakes to see Dense stuck in it. The people started freezing as it got colder. When it was my turn to freeze, I just stood there as calm as I could and became a solid like everybody else.”)

There is strong voice from the writer throughout the story. The readers can feel the character’s panic and terror as a stratus cloud appears and releases the raindrops from the sky. (“ I could not focus in the mad mob of water drops. After everyone sprinted away, I noticed what all the commotion was about, Stratus is here. An evil hiss came from above, and the ground started to fall out from under me. I screamed out for Dropette, but she was nowhere to be seen. Then everything disappeared, the city in which I lived, the towns folk, everything was gone. My body started to descend into the blackness below, faster and faster I went. An amazing sight occurred, the people screaming as they fell. I thought I spotted Con, or was it Dense, I do not know, they look so much alike. Well, then again they are twins. I tried yelling out for them, but they could not hear with all of the ruckus coming from the people. Down and down I went until the ground was still several feet below. Then everything went black as I hit the dirt.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and words are spelled correctly. (“ Hello! I am Splash, the raindrop, aka ‘Ladies Man’, and this is my family: Dropette my sister, and my twin brothers, Con and Dense. My mother and father died on a heroic quest to save the city Cumulusville from the evil Stratus; the sad part is that they did not succeed and the city fell to Stratus. So, we’re a lot like orphans. But it is not so bad. I mean we are the kin of great heroes, and we live in a room at a hotel that Dropette paid for with her savings. The room has three water beds to sleep in, a water purifier to bathe ourselves with, and a huge navy blue water clock.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

My Life: An Autobiography of Ray N. Drop

Hello, my name is Ray N. Drop. I am a little drop of water, born in a cloud. I lived there with my family and friends for a very long time... until the big cold came.

When at first I was a gas particle, I was full of energy and was very energetic because my particles were moving very fast. As I grew older I was less and less energetic. My particles were slowing down. They slowed until I became a drop of water. Then one day, I fell... into a giant lake along with my family and friends. I lost them, but I made lots and lots of new friends. Everything was beautiful. The grass, the birds, the sky, even ourselves! We were sparkly and the sun reflected off of us. But the wind was jealous of our beauty. So he made the temperature drop, and our particles slowed down even more. We soon became a big, slushy, mess. What was worse, the cars passing by caused us to turn brown, and we were very ugly. We did not know that it was the wind that was causing us to become this way, and we begged him to make us into pretty water again. So when his pleasure at our humiliation was satisfied, he turned us back into water. We thanked him because he had freed us from our slower state of matter. But then he blew us across the ocean, somewhere far, far away. He blew us all the way to the North Pole.

After a few minutes, we had frozen. Everybody's molecules were slow, and we felt crowded in. We were all squished together and we barely had any room. The wind had gotten revenge. We had become a gigantic iceberg.

While in our solid state of matter, we were very miserable. We could not move anywhere because we were packed so tightly. Sometimes the polar bears came down out of their caves, and stepped on us and made us crack. We all got separated from our newly-made friends. We pleaded with the sun to have compassion on us and melt us so we could return to our elegant liquid form, and to our old lives. The sun felt terribly bad for us, so she turned us back into a liquid. But she melted us so much, that we became a gas, and we floated up into the air and formed a cloud. The cloud then took us on a journey. We saw many splendid sights, including the Eiffel Tower, Mount Everest, and the great palaces of China. He carried us until he could carry us no more, and then he dropped us. We fell into a lake, and made many more friends. We were beautiful as ever. As the sun reflected off of us, we glowed radiantly, and lived happily ever after.

The End

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are well stated. The writer focuses the narrative completely on the life events of a drop of water. (“Hello, my name is Ray N. Drop. I am a little drop of water, born in a cloud. I lived there with my family and friends for a very long time... until the big cold came… When at first I was a gas particle, I was full of energy and was very energetic because my particles were moving very fast. As I grew older I was less and less energetic. My particles were slowing down. They slowed until I became a drop of water. Then one day, I fell... into a giant lake along with my family and friends. I lost them, but I made lots and lots of new friends.”)

The parts of the story relate to the main event. (“But the wind was jealous of our beauty. So he made the temperature drop, and our particles slowed down even more. We soon became a big, slushy, mess. What was worse, the cars passing by caused us to turn brown, and we were very ugly. We did not know that it was the wind that was causing us to become this way, and we begged him to make us into pretty water again. So when his pleasure at our humiliation was satisfied, he turned us back into water. We thanked him because he had freed us from our slower state of matter. But then he blew us across the ocean, somewhere far, far away. He blew us all the way to the North Pole.”)

The details in the story focus on the main event. The writer provides descriptions of how each event affects the molecules in the water drop. (“After a few minutes, we had frozen. Everybody's molecules were slow, and we felt crowded in. We were all squished together and we barely had any room. The wind had gotten revenge. We had become a gigantic iceberg… While in our solid state of matter, we were very miserable. We could not move anywhere because we were packed so tightly. Sometimes the polar bears came down out of their caves, and stepped on us and made us crack. We all got separated from our newly-made friends. We pleaded with the sun to have compassion on us and melt us so we could return to our elegant liquid form, and to our old lives.”)

Content & Development

The setting is effectively developed with details. (“ Then one day, I fell... into a giant lake along with my family and friends. I lost them, but I made lots and lots of new friends. Everything was beautiful. The grass, the birds, the sky, even ourselves! We were sparkly and the sun reflected off of us. But the wind was jealous of our beauty. So he made the temperature drop, and our particles slowed down even more. We soon became a big, slushy, mess. What was worse, the cars passing by caused us to turn brown, and we were very ugly.”)

Details are used to develop the main events of the story effectively. The writer consistently reveals the experiences of the main character, as Ray N. Drop goes through the states of matter in the water cycle. (“After a few minutes, we had frozen. Everybody's molecules were slow, and we felt crowded in. We were all squished together and we barely had any room. The wind had gotten revenge. We had become a gigantic iceberg… While in our solid state of matter, we were very miserable. We could not move anywhere because we were packed so tightly. Sometimes the polar bears came down out of their caves, and stepped on us and made us crack. We all got separated from our newly-made friends. We pleaded with the sun to have compassion on us and melt us so we could return to our elegant liquid form, and to our old lives.”)

The plot is effectively developed. (“The sun felt terribly bad for us, so she turned us back into a liquid. But she melted us so much, that we became a gas, and we floated up into the air and formed a cloud. The cloud then took us on a journey. We saw many splendid sights, including the Eiffel Tower, Mount Everest, and the great palaces of China. He carried us until he could carry us no more, and then he dropped us. We fell into a lake, and made many more friends. We were beautiful as ever.”)

Organization

The story effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning. The introduction makes readers wonder about the nature of “the big cold” and how it will impact the characters in the story. (“ Hello, my name is Ray N. Drop. I am a little drop of water, born in a cloud. I lived there with my family and friends for a very long time... until the big cold came.”)

The writer should organize sentences more effectively into cohesive paragraphs and incorporate more effective transitions between paragraphs to promote the flow of the story. (“ While in our solid state of matter, we were very miserable. We could not move anywhere because we were packed so tightly. Sometimes the polar bears came down out of their caves, and stepped on us and made us crack. We all got separated from our newly-made friends. We pleaded with the sun to have compassion on us and melt us so we could return to our elegant liquid form, and to our old lives. The sun felt terribly bad for us, so she turned us back into a liquid. But she melted us so much, that we became a gas, and we floated up into the air and formed a cloud. The cloud then took us on a journey.”)

The story includes an effective ending that illustrates the ongoing cycle of water. (“ We saw many splendid sights, including the Eiffel Tower, Mount Everest, and the great palaces of China. He carried us until he could carry us no more, and then he dropped us. We fell into a lake, and made many more friends. We were beautiful as ever. As the sun reflected off of us, we glowed radiantly, and lived happily ever after.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good use of language, voice, and style throughout the narrative response. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, with good voice and a clear sense of audience. There are also well-structured sentences with some variety in the essay .

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related, and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the story. (“ When at first I was a gas particle, I was full of energy and was very energetic because my particles were moving very fast. As I grew older I was less and less energetic. My particles were slowing down. They slowed until I became a drop of water. Then one day, I fell... into a giant lake along with my family and friends. I lost them, but I made lots and lots of new friends. Everything was beautiful. The grass, the birds, the sky, even ourselves! We were sparkly and the sun reflected off of us.”)

The writer employs good word choices to convey the cruel personality of the wind. (“ But the wind was jealous of our beauty. So he made the temperature drop, and our particles slowed down even more. We soon became a big, slushy, mess. What was worse, the cars passing by caused us to turn brown, and we were very ugly. We did not know that it was the wind that was causing us to become this way, and we begged him to make us into pretty water again. So when his pleasure at our humiliation was satisfied, he turned us back into water.”)

The language and tone are consistent. (“ We pleaded with the sun to have compassion on us and melt us so we could return to our elegant liquid form, and to our old lives. The sun felt terribly bad for us, so she turned us back into a liquid. But she melted us so much, that we became a gas, and we floated up into the air and formed a cloud. The cloud then took us on a journey. We saw many splendid sights, including the Eiffel Tower, Mount Everest, and the great palaces of China. He carried us until he could carry us no more, and then he dropped us. We fell into a lake, and made many more friends. We were beautiful as ever. As the sun reflected off of us, we glowed radiantly, and lived happily ever after.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure that all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all words are used and spelled correctly, and line breaks are used to indicate new paragraphs. (“ When at first I was a gas particle, I was full of energy and was very energetic because my particles were moving very fast. As I grew older I was less and less energetic. My particles were slowing down. They slowed until I became a drop of water. Then one day, I fell... into a giant lake along with my family and friends. I lost them, but I made lots and lots of new friends. Everything was beautiful. The grass, the birds, the sky, even ourselves! We were sparkly and the sun reflected off of us. But the wind was jealous of our beauty. So he made the temperature drop, and our particles slowed down even more. We soon became a big, slushy, mess.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

There I stood very bored,cold, and my atoms close together. What could I do? this was my least favorite part of the cycle. Then I guess I should tell you what I did to end up as an icicle.

I was haveing the best time in my life at about four O'clock because I was in the party clouds dancing with the cool drops. You are probably really confused so let me tell you who I am. I'm a water droplet because I had two oxygen and one hydrogen in me. I wish that I was lava droplet but I would need way different elements to become fast. Well I guess to many joined the party and all of a sudden some of the cool droplets went and went down to earth to do something else. Well after the cool drops left the other people followed because after the cool droplets leave the others follow. Well so many droplets were shoving me and shoved me down to the big fall as a liquid

Being changed into a gas into a liquid is actually pretty disturbing. When you are a gas you can barley notice your atoms, but now I can see them closer and are more noticeable. While I turned into a liquid completely, I fell down to the ground witch takes a while. This part is suprisingly relaxing because when you fall you fell in peace. Then THUD! I hit the earth with a very loud sound to us. I landed in the sidewalk and flowed down to the gutter with other droplets. I have no idea how this happened, but next thing I know I was in a bucket. I think someone must've put it there.

I think weeks maybe even months past. My atoms got closer as it got colder, and next thing I knew I was an Icicle in the bucket. Now you know how I became an icicle. I know you are still wondering what happens after I turned into an icicle so let me tell. months, maybe even a half of a year past, then all of a sudden It got hoter and hoter and my atoms got father and father away, and boom! I became a liquid again and got out of that terrible bucket! I flowed with my buddies that I have talked for months and hit the lake. Then the sun came out and my atoms got farther and farther away I became a gas and joined the party in the clouds with my buddies. Here I go again.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer states the main event of the story adequately. (“I was haveing the best time in my life at about four O'clock because I was in the party clouds dancing with the cool drops. You are probably really confused so let me tell you who I am. I'm a water droplet because I had two oxygen and one hydrogen in me.”)

The writer focuses on the main event by illustrating the phases of the water cycle throughout the narrative. (“Being changed into a gas into a liquid is actually pretty disturbing. When you are a gas you can barley notice your atoms, but now I can see them closer and are more noticeable. While I turned into a liquid completely, I fell down to the ground witch takes a while. This part is suprisingly relaxing because when you fall you fell in peace. Then THUD! I hit the earth with a very loud sound to us. I landed in the sidewalk and flowed down to the gutter with other droplets.”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“I think weeks maybe even months past. My atoms got closer as it got colder, and next thing I knew I was an Icicle in the bucket. Now you know how I became an icicle. I know you are still wondering what happens after I turned into an icicle so let me tell.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer includes a reasonably developed plot and setting in the essay, with relevant and believable characters. The writer establishes tension/conflict/a problem that holds the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Additionally, he/she shares characters’ thoughts through the use of first-person narrative.

The writer briefly provides a conflict in the story when the water droplet gets pushed out of the cloud. (“Well I guess to many joined the party and all of a sudden some of the cool droplets went and went down to earth to do something else. Well after the cool drops left the other people followed because after the cool droplets leave the others follow. Well so many droplets were shoving me and shoved me down to the big fall as a liquid”)

The writer provides adequate details that all relate to the main event. (“Then THUD! I hit the earth with a very loud sound to us. I landed in the sidewalk and flowed down to the gutter with other droplets. I have no idea how this happened, but next thing I know I was in a bucket. I think someone must've put it there.”)

The writer uses sensory details about the character to describe the heating up of the droplet’s atoms and subsequent evaporation. (“months, maybe even a half of a year past, then all of a sudden It got hoter and hoter and my atoms got father and father away, and boom! I became a liquid again and got out of that terrible bucket! I flowed with my buddies that I have talked for months and hit the lake. Then the sun came out and my atoms got farther and farther away I became a gas and joined the party in the clouds with my buddies.”)

Organization

At the beginning, the writer demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by making puzzling statements about the character to stir the readers’ curiosity. (“ There I stood very bored,cold, and my atoms close together. What could I do? this was my least favorite part of the cycle. Then I guess I should tell you what I did to end up as an icicle.”)

The writer needs to use effective transitions to connect events in the story. By incorporating transitions throughout the narrative, the writer can assist the readers by carrying the story’s events to their ultimate conclusion. (“Being changed into a gas into a liquid is actually pretty disturbing. When you are a gas you can barley notice your atoms, but now I can see them closer and are more noticeable. While I turned into a liquid completely, I fell down to the ground witch takes a while. This part is suprisingly relaxing because when you fall you fell in peace. Then THUD!”)

The story comes to a very abrupt end and lacks a sense of completeness. At the end of the story, the character returns to the party in the clouds, and this alludes to the water cycle starting over again, which ties into the narrative’s introduction. By elaborating on the events at the end, the story’s resolution will be clearer and more effective. (“ I flowed with my buddies that I have talked for months and hit the lake. Then the sun came out and my atoms got farther and farther away I became a gas and joined the party in the clouds with my buddies. Here I go again.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the story. (“ I'm a water droplet because I had two oxygen and one hydrogen in me. I wish that I was lava droplet but I would need way different elements to become fast. Well I guess to many joined the party and all of a sudden some of the cool droplets went and went down to earth to do something else. Well after the cool drops left the other people followed because after the cool droplets leave the others follow. Well so many droplets were shoving me and shoved me down to the big fall as a liquid”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the narrative. He/she provides language that adequately describes the droplet’s fall to earth and its surprisingly abrupt landing. (“ While I turned into a liquid completely, I fell down to the ground witch takes a while. This part is suprisingly relaxing because when you fall you fell in peace. Then THUD! I hit the earth with a very loud sound to us. I landed in the sidewalk and flowed down to the gutter with other droplets.”)

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ I think weeks maybe even months past. My atoms got closer as it got colder, and next thing I knew I was an Icicle in the bucket. Now you know how I became an icicle. I know you are still wondering what happens after I turned into an icicle so let me tell. months, maybe even a half of a year past, then all of a sudden It got hoter and hoter and my atoms got father and father away, and boom! I became a liquid again and got out of that terrible bucket!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have subject-verb agreement, and sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks. Words should also be spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs should be indicated with line breaks. (“ months, maybe even a half of a year past, then all of a sudden It got hoter and hoter and my atoms got father and father away, and boom!”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Hi my name is drip drop. i'm going to be telling you about my lifestyle. My first face is an ice icle. how i turn into an ice icicle is from cold weather, first i start out as water and when cold weather comes i turn into an icicle icicle. im really old because its been reallly cold lately my particles are really smooshed together.

When the warm weather starts to come i turn into a puddle of water. i dont really like this one because all the little like to jump in my puddle, and spring has really pretty flowers and it has really nice weather, my particles are slowly moving away from eachother.

My next phase is gas. How i turn into gas is when im a puddle of water evaporation turns me into a gas. this is really fun because i get to float in the air cause of evaporation my particles are really far from each other.

My favortie phase was to be a puddle of water because kids love to play in me and i start out as an ice icicle and melt and turn into a puddle of water and the weathers really warm and my particles are slowly moving away from eachtoher and there not to close or not to far away from eachother.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the narrative. The writer establishes and maintains a limited central idea and demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides limited descriptions and details that may not be relevant to the story or give readers a clear understanding of his/her message. Some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The writer states the main event of the story in a very limited way. (“Hi my name is drip drop. i'm going to be telling you about my lifestyle.”)

The writer’s focus is limited in the narrative. He/she focuses limited details on how water changes from one form to another. (“My first face is an ice icle. how i turn into an ice icicle is from cold weather, first i start out as water and when cold weather comes i turn into an icicle icicle. im really old because its been reallly cold lately my particles are really smooshed together.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the narrative. The writer gives a glimpse of life as a water drop, but he/she should provide more relevant details to allow the readers to fully appreciate the story unfolding in the writer’s mind. (“When the warm weather starts to come i turn into a puddle of water. i dont really like this one because all the little like to jump in my puddle, and spring has really pretty flowers and it has really nice weather, my particles are slowly moving away from eachother.”)

Content & Development

The narrative reveals limited content and development. The writer provides an adequately developed plot, setting, and characters, but the essay lacks sufficient detail to make this more than a summary of what happens in the story. Tension, conflict, or a problem may be stated but not developed sufficiently. Some dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Although the writer provides brief information to state the purpose of the narrative, limited details are used to develop the main events of the story. (“My next phase is gas. How i turn into gas is when im a puddle of water evaporation turns me into a gas. this is really fun because i get to float in the air cause of evaporation my particles are really far from each other.”)

The details about characters in the story are limited. The writer introduces “Drip Drop” into the narrative but describes the character in a limited way. (“Hi my name is drip drop. i'm going to be telling you about my lifestyle. My first face is an ice icle. how i turn into an ice icicle is from cold weather, first i start out as water and when cold weather comes i turn into an icicle icicle. im really old because its been reallly cold lately my particles are really smooshed together.”)

The writer does not implement sufficient use of dialogue in the narrative. By including dialogue, the writer can share the thoughts of characters in the story. (“When the warm weather starts to come i turn into a puddle of water. i dont really like this one because all the little like to jump in my puddle, and spring has really pretty flowers and it has really nice weather, my particles are slowly moving away from eachother.”)

Organization

The beginning of the narrative includes only limited background information about the event. The writer introduces the main character but fails to adequately set the background for the scenario. (“ Hi my name is drip drop. i'm going to be telling you about my lifestyle. My first face is an ice icle. how i turn into an ice icicle is from cold weather, first i start out as water and when cold weather comes i turn into an icicle icicle. im really old because its been reallly cold lately my particles are really smooshed together.”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story in order to lead the readers through the narrative. (“ My next phase is gas. How i turn into gas is when im a puddle of water evaporation turns me into a gas. this is really fun because i get to float in the air cause of evaporation my particles are really far from each other.”)

The writer does not provide an ending that gives the readers a sense of closure. At the very end of the story, the character reveals his/her favorite phase of the water cycle but continues by retelling portions of the story. (“ My favortie phase was to be a puddle of water because kids love to play in me and i start out as an ice icicle and melt and turn into a puddle of water and the weathers really warm and my particles are slowly moving away from eachtoher and there not to close or not to far away from eachother.”)

Language Use & Style

The sentences are too informal, and word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“ When the warm weather starts to come i turn into a puddle of water. i dont really like this one because all the little like to jump in my puddle, and spring has really pretty flowers and it has really nice weather, my particles are slowly moving away from eachother.”)

The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the story more interesting to the intended audience. (“ My next phase is gas. How i turn into gas is when im a puddle of water evaporation turns me into a gas. this is really fun because i get to float in the air cause of evaporation my particles are really far from each other.”)

Oftentimes, the writer uses run-on sentences. (“ My favortie phase was to be a puddle of water because kids love to play in me and i start out as an ice icicle and melt and turn into a puddle of water and the weathers really warm and my particles are slowly moving away from eachtoher and there not to close or not to far away from eachother.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should make sure each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with line breaks, and words are spelled and used correctly within the context of sentences. (“My first face is an ice icle. how i turn into an ice icicle is from cold weather, first i start out as water and when cold weather comes i turn into an icicle icicle. im really old because its been reallly cold lately my particles are really smooshed together.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

MY LIFE AS A DROP OF WATER

As I was moving into a gas I was up in a cloud and I looked around while I was in there it looked all white and a few minutes later it started to get all black and I new that It was starting to rain. I was looking from above the serves I was falling I noticed that I was snow and landed In a place called Smithtown it hasn't snowed there in thirty years. I fall on a boy and he said its snowing. AND I got up I was rising up and I noticed that I was going threw the water cycle and Idid all of it over and over again untill finaley the sun came out. AND I went though the it alot and that is my life of a drop of water.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer’s details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event reveal minimal understanding of the purpose of the prompt. (“As I was moving into a gas I was up in a cloud and I looked around while I was in there it looked all white and a few minutes later it started to get all black and I new that It was starting to rain.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently enough to give the readers a true sense of events in the life of a water drop. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“I was looking from above the serves I was falling I noticed that I was snow and landed In a place called Smithtown it hasn't snowed there in thirty years.”)

The story only minimally states the central idea of the story. (“AND I got up I was rising up and I noticed that I was going threw the water cycle and Idid all of it over and over again untill finaley the sun came out.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. The story lacks tension or conflict to make it interesting. Little to no dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

The writer does not provide a narrative that includes a detailed setting or characters. There are no descriptions of the setting, and the writer does not attempt to describe the characters in any way. (“As I was moving into a gas I was up in a cloud and I looked around while I was in there it looked all white and a few minutes later it started to get all black and I new that It was starting to rain.”)

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is not sufficiently developed. (“I was looking from above the serves I was falling I noticed that I was snow and landed In a place called Smithtown it hasn't snowed there in thirty years. I fall on a boy and he said its snowing.”)

Only minimal details are used to develop the main events of the story; the plot is only minimally developed. The writer briefly addresses the cycle of ongoing changes in a drop of water, but these ideas are not developed in a way that enhances his/her message. (“AND I got up I was rising up and I noticed that I was going threw the water cycle and Idid all of it over and over again untill finaley the sun came out. AND I went though the it alot and that is my life of a drop of water.”)

Organization

The story attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning by personifying a drop of water; however, there are not enough details about the setting or the character for the readers to understand the theme of the story. (“ As I was moving into a gas I was up in a cloud and I looked around while I was in there it looked all white and a few minutes later it started to get all black and I new that It was starting to rain.”)

The writer fails to use transitions to connect events in the story. By including transitions, the writer can create an effective flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence. (“ I was looking from above the serves I was falling I noticed that I was snow and landed In a place called Smithtown it hasn't snowed there in thirty years. I fall on a boy and he said its snowing. AND I got up I was rising up and I noticed that I was going threw the water cycle and Idid all of it over and over again untill finaley the sun came out.”)

The story minimally demonstrates an ending. The narrative fails to reveal insightful lessons the writer may have learned through the experiences in the story, and it does not attempt to leave the readers with too much to think about once the story is over. (“ AND I went though the it alot and that is my life of a drop of water.”)

Language Use & Style

Exact words are missing, and errors in syntax are evident. These errors impede the readers’ ability to follow the writer’s narrative with understanding. (“ AND I went though the it alot and that is my life of a drop of water.”)

There are several run-on sentences in the narrative. The writer needs to phrase ideas in an effective way to clearly communicate events throughout the narrative. (“ I was looking from above the serves I was falling I noticed that I was snow and landed In a place called Smithtown it hasn't snowed there in thirty years.”)

The language is simple and repetitive. Word choices and sentence structure do not effectively communicate the writer’s story to the intended audience. (“ AND I got up I was rising up and I noticed that I was going threw the water cycle and Idid all of it over and over again untill finaley the sun came out.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the narrative exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphs with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized and meaningful story. (“I fall on a boy and he said its snowing. AND I got up I was rising up and I noticed that I was going threw the water cycle and Idid all of it over and over again untill finaley the sun came out. AND I went though the it alot and that is my life of a drop of water.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

when i was a drop of water i was at the sky then when i fell. it felt fun because the air made my stomach fell funny and alsome because it was high then it was cold and it begain to fall snow and then i was a snow cube. it was alsome because with the wind i could slide then it was hot and i begain to melt it was furry because the water tickeled me then i was dry and my day was over.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the beginning of the story, the writer identifies the main character as a water drop, but he/she does not focus story details on the water cycle, and this makes the main theme of the story difficult to follow. (“ when i was a drop of water i was at the sky then when i fell. it felt fun because the air made my stomach fell funny and alsome because it was high then it was cold and it begain to fall snow and then i was a snow cube.”)

The writer does not provide details that satisfy the purpose of the task. (“it was alsome because with the wind i could slide then it was hot and i begain to melt it was furry because the water tickeled me then i was dry and my day was over.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of intended audience. (“it felt fun because the air made my stomach fell funny and alsome because it was high then it was cold and it begain to fall snow and then i was a snow cube.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer does not provide an identifiable plot and setting. Likewise, characters are introduced but not developed. The lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow; in other words, not much happens.

The writer mentions characters in the story, but they are not developed in detail. (“when i was a drop of water i was at the sky then when i fell.”)

The setting is not developed, and the essay does not provide details about the characters’ surroundings that would help the readers imagine the scenes in their minds. (“ it felt fun because the air made my stomach fell funny and alsome because it was high then it was cold and it begain to fall snow and then i was a snow cube.”)

There is no dialogue that reveals what the characters may think or say aloud. (“it was alsome because with the wind i could slide then it was hot and i begain to melt it was furry because the water tickeled me then i was dry and my day was over.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the narrative is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of ideas.

The story does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning because it does not excite the readers to experience events in the life of a drop of water. (“ when i was a drop of water i was at the sky then when i fell.”)

Events are not clearly in order. There are significant gaps in time sequence that hinder the flow of events in the story. (“ when i was a drop of water i was at the sky then when i fell. it felt fun because the air made my stomach fell funny and alsome because it was high then it was cold and it begain to fall snow and then i was a snow cube. it was alsome because with the wind i could slide then it was hot and i begain to melt it was furry because the water tickeled me then i was dry and my day was over.”)

The story comes to an abrupt close that fails to summarize the theme of the prompt task or pull the story together. (“ then i was dry and my day was over.”)

Language Use & Style

There is no style reflected on the part of the writer in terms of word choices, organization, or sentence structure in the narrative. (“when i was a drop of water i was at the sky then when i fell.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ it felt fun because the air made my stomach fell funny and alsome because it was high then it was cold and it begain to fall snow and then i was a snow cube. it was alsome because with the wind i could slide”)

There are incorrect word choices employed within the context of some sentences. (“ then it was hot and i begain to melt it was furry because the water tickeled me then i was dry and my day was over.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the narrative exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphs with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized story. The narrative is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“when i was a drop of water i was at the sky then when i fell. it felt fun because the air made my stomach fell funny and alsome because it was high then it was cold and it begain to fall snow and then i was a snow cube. it was alsome because with the wind i could slide then it was hot and i begain to melt it was furry because the water tickeled me then i was dry and my day was over.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

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Elementary_Narrative_Models_March_2016.doc

Elementary Narrative Prompts

A New Invention or Discovery

Mechanics & Conventions

A Train That Can Go Anywhere! (AIMS Practice Prompt)