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Elementary Literary Prompts
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Elementary Literary Prompts
Table of Contents
Tuck Everlasting by Natalie Babbitt
After carefully reading "A Hard Choice," write a multi-paragraph essay in which you explain your understanding of the story. Be sure to use specific details and examples from the story to support your response.
Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
"A Hard Choice "
After reading "A Hard Choice", I knew that that the boys were getting a little greedy for money. For instance, Shaquille didn't want to do any hard work. They planned a garage sale, and I think that was a great idea for them to do. What worried me though in the beginning was they were too lazy. Ty kept on blurting out ideas, but Shaquille just wanted to get fast money from the look of it. Another example, he kept on saying how that was hard and this will take to long. I didn't think this would be a happy story about good work to others with little boys, but then something raised my spirits. My understanding of the story is now that this is a story about not sitting around doing nothing.
When the story said that there dad was listening in the den, I felt like this story was about to change. If I were the dad, I would give them some good hard teamwork jobs, which is exactly what the dad did not do. He knew they would wine with something hard working. Instead he gave them an easy sit and watch people buy your stuff day, a yard sale. I now understand this story would get lazier because the boys would probably say,” bringing this stuff up is to hard, you do it dad." But I was later relieved when I found out they carried all the stuff up by themselves. Then the story would change, again.
The next morning the boys made paper signs and hung them up all over the town, now that's hard work! The signs were all saying the same thing, a garage sale. That is what the story said, and I thought that maybe this way to earn money wasn't so lazy after all. So far, so good, a great story about not being lazy. I know that the boys wanted a CD, so a garage sale was sounding more humane like, but the garage sale came quicker than ever the next morning.
"Boys get up and have breakfast. Customers will be here in an hour!" Dad said. Those words were said in the story. I thought at that moment, smart dad, he's getting his kids to have and energizing breakfast before the yard sale. That also encourages us to not be lazy, it fits perfectly with the problem and the answer, and gives me knowledge that the boys were learning. My understanding of the story is now that you can get rid of laziness with a little bit of work to it. But all that was soon to change when they turned on the radio and heard something shocking. I think that gave me a feeling of laziness breaking through, I knew that something bad was going to happen, like every other piece of shocking news.
"A terrible apartment fire happened last night and left over one hundred homeless and without belongings." Those were the words they heard. I could picture their faces in shock, and all the people on the streets watching as their homes and belongings were destroyed with fire. Then there dad said, "Boys, could you do something hard with me?" After that, I knew that this story wasn't about not being lazy, it was about a hard choice to help the homeless, (the extreme homeless.) and I would bet that the boys would help by giving the garage sale items to charity for those who lost their homes by fire the other night. (The night before) And I bet that after that, the boys gave everything to the homeless, but it wasn't the kind of right ending for a story to leave everything else out.
I think this story gives good examples and knowledge about how we will have hard choices when we grow up, and how we shouldn't be lazy to help the homeless. That is how my real understanding of the story is now.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The essay has very effective focus and meaning. It establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea. The essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. In this particular essay, the student is very opinionated with regards to the boys’ perception of hard work. The author repeats this theme several times throughout the essay. The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. Essays at this level will rarely if ever have completely irrelevant information, although some essays for elementary prompts may occasionally offer some information that is only tangentially related to the main idea. (“ They planned a garage sale, and I think that was a great idea for them to do. What worried me though in the beginning was they were too lazy. Ty kept on blurting out ideas, but Shaquille just wanted to get fast money from the look of it. Another example, he kept on saying how that was hard and this will take to long. I didn't think this would be a happy story about good work to others with little boys, but then something raised my spirits.”)
Content & Development
The essay has very effective content and development. It develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text. The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. The essay often mentions the boys’ relationship with their father and how they plan to succeed in their mission. These facts almost always relate back to the main idea of the essay. Essays at this level may or may not include quotations to help explain ideas (better essays tend to provide them). In addition, the essay uses a few quotations to provide substantive details. (“’Boys get up and have breakfast. Customers will be here in an hour!’ Dad said. Those words were said in the story. I thought at that moment, smart dad, he's getting his kids to have and energizing breakfast before the yard sale. That also encourages us to not be lazy, it fits perfectly with the problem and the answer, and gives me knowledge that the boys were learning.”)
Organization
The essay has very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. There is also effective use of transitional devices throughout. The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. The essay demonstrates a very effective introduction. Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion. The conclusion summarizes the main points of the essay very effectively. Ideally, the concluding paragraph would have a more substantive recount of ideas, but for upper elementary, this is sufficient to score a 6 when you consider the other more successful elements of the essay. (“ I think this story gives good examples and knowledge about how we will have hard choices when we grow up, and how we shouldn't be lazy to help the homeless. That is how my real understanding of the story is now.”)
Language Use & Style
The essay has very effective language use and style. It demonstrates precise language use, artful word choice, a defined voice, a clear sense of audience, and uses well-structured and varied sentences. The language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. Essays at this level may occasionally have awkward phrasing, but it does not impede meaning. (“ That also encourages us to not be lazy, it fits perfectly with the problem and the answer, and gives me knowledge that the boys were learning.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The essay has very effective control of conventions and mechanics. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. Each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence is indented when a new paragraph begins or a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. Essays at this level may have some improper comma or period usage or other minor problems, but the vast majority of the essay uses proper mechanics and conventions. (“ The next morning the boys made paper signs and hung them up all over the town, now that's hard work! The signs were all saying the same thing, a garage sale. That is what the story said, and I thought that maybe this way to earn money wasn't so lazy after all.”)
Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
In the story A Hard Choice, the main theme was helping others. I think that the main theme is helping because towards the end of the story, the boys helped the 132 residents of Gatewood Apartments on North Avenue, there was a fire. Shaquille and Ty wanted to help. So, somehow in this awkward way, Dad told them that they had to do something difficult. Clearly the dad wanted them to help these people. I think they learned a very important lesson about helping others.
It all began when Shaquille and Ty went to the mailbox, and saw the ad for a baseball CD named Baseball Dreams CD, and they wanted to buy it for $49.99+tax. Ty started listing a couple things of what they can do to earn $49.99. Ty thought maybe they can do some pet-sitting business while Mr. Petra walked by with his dog, but Shaquille replied that it was too much responsibility. Meanwhile, Ty thought about another one, when he saw the trees that were changing colors. He told Shaquille that they can maybe rake their neighbor's leaves. Again, Shaquille replied that it was too much work. Dad overheard them talking about it, so he told them that they have a lot of things that they don't need. So, Dad told them that they can have a garage sale the following day. In the morning, Dad woke them up. Dad was listening to the radio when he heard that a night fire burned down apartments at the Gatewood Apartments. It also exclaimed that all 132 residents escaped, but lost most of their things in the house. The announcer also replied that the need a bunch of donations donated at Hoover High School today and tomorrow. Dad spoke and told the boys that they were going to have to do something else.
In this story, I was usually more like Ty. I wanted to earn money in some way. Sometimes, I was also like Shaquille. I just liked to relax, be lazy, and do my own thing. From this story, this also links on to something that I have read before and it's called: Diary of a Wimpy Kid. The characters in there were also like the ones in this story. In this story, I was also sometimes like Dad because I liked to help kids to do what they need to do. After I read this book, I felt like that I shouldn't be more like Shaquille and be able to find a way to earn money just like Ty. Another reason I should also be like Ty is because when I grow up, I have to find a way to make money.
I think that the main theme is helping because at the ending, The announcer exclaimed that things needed to be donated so the people have enough to survive. I think that the author's message was that the author wanted people to know that you should help donate things if you don't use anymore. I also think that the author is also trying to show that people should help and be friendlier. I think this mattered because if you help someone, then next time, people will help you too.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The essay has good focus and meaning. It establishes a thorough analysis of the text and makes clear connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea. Although the essay is not as clearly defined as the level 6 essay, the thesis is still clear and the author stays on topic throughout the entire essay. The essay rarely or never introduces irrelevant information. The essay communicates the analysis of the essay question and literary selection well. The language of the thesis fits the effective examples well. The author also included some personal experiences
Content & Development
The essay has good content and development. It develops ideas fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text. The essay uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. The author uses many details to help relate to the idea of using the power you have to help others. Essays at this level may or may not use dialogue, but the better essays tend to use it to a limited degree. The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain the paragraph’s main idea. Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“ I also think that the author is also trying to show that people should help and be friendlier. I think this mattered because if you help someone, then next time, people will help you too.”)
Organization
The essay has good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction, a good conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and consistent use of transitional devices. Essays at this level will almost always use paragraphing to separate ideas. Each paragraph is devoted to a particular idea followed by evidence to support it. The essay has a good introduction that provides some background information and gives readers a basic idea of what happens in the plot of the story. An effective conclusion is also provided. Essays at this level usually sum up the ideas presented in the rest of the essay, although they may simply provide readers with something else to think about instead. The conclusion effectively teaches readers a lesson and attempts to connect ideas between the story and the real world. (“ In this story, I was also sometimes like Dad because I liked to help kids to do what they need to do. After I read this book, I felt like that I shouldn't be more like Shaquille and be able to find a way to earn money just like Ty. Another reason I should also be like Ty is because when I grow up, I have to find a way to make money.”)
Language Use & Style
The essay has good language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. Well-structured sentences with some variety are also used. The language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ So, somehow in this awkward way, Dad told them that they had to do something difficult. Clearly the dad wanted them to help these people. I think they learned a very important lesson about helping others.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The essay has good control of conventions and mechanics. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. Most sentences have a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, and are indented when a new paragraph begins. A line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. Most sentences start with a capital letter. Essays at this level may have a few minor errors, but they do not interfere with the author’s message. (“ It also exclaimed that all 132 residents escaped, but lost most of their things in the house. The announcer also replied that the need a bunch of donations donated at Hoover High School today and tomorrow. Dad spoke and told the boys that they were going to have to do something else.”)
Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
Have you ever worked to earn money for something you wanted, and then use it on something else? Well that is what happened to Shaquillie and Ty.They had saw an ad in a magazine and wanted to get a video game called baseball dreams Cd. The boys thought and thought. Then they came up with a great idea, they started a garage sale. They had sold plenty of stuff and they were getting close to raising enough money to by the game, but then something terrible happened. There was a fire and 132 people lost their homes. The three themes the author wanted us to know are responsibility, money, and teamwork.
Shaquille and Ty were raising money to by this video game called baseball dreams cd. They decided to do a garage sale and sell all of the stuff they didn't need anymore. They sold toys, games, clothes really anything they almost raised enough that wasn’t useful to them. They almost saved enough money to buy the video game. Only one more day till the game, they both thought.
Team work is a main key in this story and this is why. The two boys worked together and shared the money. They also did half of the work in the garage sale and they both helped each other out. Also they did not fight and worked together. They also used team work in a different way. The helped the 132 residents who lost everything in that horrible fire.Teamwork is very useful but it is always nice to be a little bit responsible don't you think?
Shaquille thought that all of the ideas ty had come up with had to much responsibility. They were also responsible to take the time and have a garage sale. Also they were responsible by taking the money and only using it for one pourpose not spend the mooney on something else.
Money, teamwork, and responseibility are very very important and we all should take the time to really understand them. for example is I am not like those boys, once I get money I like to spend it but then two weeks later there is a even cooler toy out. I loved this story I think the way the author describes these three themes is wonderful. I would most deffenetlly recomened this book to anyone who knows what it feels like to save their money wisely.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea. The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The essay’s response adequately focuses on the question asked in the writing prompt. The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. The essay includes details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The thesis statement states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. Essays at this level will occasionally offer irrelevant information, but the vast majority of the content is focused and on topic. The author successfully reminds readers of what the story is about in a succinct and accurate way. (“They had sold plenty of stuff and they were getting close to raising enough money to by the game, but then something terrible happened. There was a fire and 132 people lost their homes. The three themes the author wanted us to know are responsibility, money, and teamwork.”)
Content & Development
The essay has adequate content and development. It develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text. The essay generally uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. It also includes adequate details that connect the essay question to the text. The writer supports the thesis by providing an example for each paragraph that contains several facts from the story. (“The helped the 132 residents who lost everything in that horrible fire.Teamwork is very useful but it is always nice to be a little bit responsible don't you think?”)
Organization
The essay has adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is inconsistent use of paragraphing and inconsistent use of transitional devices. The essay demonstrates a good introduction and ends with an adequate thesis statement. Each paragraph addresses a particular element of the thesis and supports it with adequate details. Adequate use of transitions may or may not be used at this level for upper-elementary students, but better essays tend to have them. The conclusion adequately summarizes the main points of the story and connects it with ideas readers might be able to relate to in real life. (“ Money, teamwork, and responseibility are very very important and we all should take the time to really understand them. for example is I am not like those boys, once I get money I like to spend it but then two weeks later there is a even cooler toy out. I loved this story I think the way the author describes these three themes is wonderful.”)
Language Use & Style
The essay has adequate language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. Word choices are sometimes poor, but the vast majority of the content is appropriate for the audience and generally makes sense. Essays at this level may have some sentences that are poorly structured, but they usually do not impede meaning. Sentences may be a bit shorter than higher-level essays or essays you would see at the middle and high school levels. (“ The two boys worked together and shared the money. They also did half of the work in the garage sale and they both helped each other out. Also they did not fight and worked together. They also used team work in a different way. The helped the 132 residents who lost everything in that horrible fire.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The essay has adequate control of conventions and mechanics. It has some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb, many sentences end with a punctuation mark, many sentences are indented when a new paragraph begins, or a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. Many sentences begin with a capital letter. Essays at this level may have a few errors in mechanics and conventions, but it usually does not impede meaning. (“ Money, teamwork, and responseibility are very very important and we all should take the time to really understand them. for example is I am not like those boys, once I get money I like to spend it but then two weeks later there is a even cooler toy out. I loved this story I think the way the author describes these three themes is wonderful.”)
Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
In, " A Hard Coice," two boys Ty and Shaquille have to decide whether they should do something very nice and donate thei clothes and other things to people who need them after a large fire like their dad asked tem to, or sell them for money so they can save up to buy he new, "Baseball Dreams Video Game." Throghout the story, the boys ave minds that constantly nip and bite at them telling them about the video gme and making them want it more and more after every econd.The plot int he story is that the two boys( as you know really want the game) but didn't exactly have the money. To rais the $49.99 dollars they needed for te game, the boys decided to put on a sale that they got from their father after evesdropping a little bit and knowing they could not think of a job. This story has characters that experience a sense of loss, surviva, and choices.
The theme loss was used by a large amount of people in a building who experienced a terrible and almost fadle fire that burned down almost anything anyone had. Luckily they aved themselves. They were very close to dying and losing themselves. Also, Ty and Shaquille lost all of their clothes by selling them, or did they. Read the story to find out. This was one out of three temes n the story.
Another one of those themes is survival. The ravishing fire( when people were trying to get out of the building) almost killed people.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The essay has limited focus and meaning. It establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes only few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea. The essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. While the author does attempt to communicate some of the ideas presented, decoding the themes presented or the underlying message of the story is touched on only very briefly. This essay includes some important details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. In the introduction, only a limited point of view or argument of the essay is stated. At this level, the writing style may not always be appropriate for the audience. (“To rais the $49.99 dollars they needed for te game, the boys decided to put on a sale that they got from their father after evesdropping a little bit and knowing they could not think of a job. This story has characters that experience a sense of loss, surviva, and choices.”)
Content & Development
The essay has limited content and development. It develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text. The writer uses a limited number of details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. The essay includes limited or few details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. Details are limited to describe what is important about the main characters. There is limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the writer’s thesis. The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“The theme loss was used by a large amount of people in a building who experienced a terrible and almost fadle fire that burned down almost anything anyone had. Luckily they aved themselves. They were very close to dying and losing themselves.”)
Organization
The essay has limited organization. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, lacks paragraphing, and lacks some transitional devices. There is an attempt to provide an introduction and there are paragraph breaks, but the organization of this essay is lacking in that each paragraph does not focus on one particular topic. Essays at this level may have transitions, but typically they do not. There does appear to be an attempt at providing a conclusion, but it does not adequately sum up the ideas presented in the rest of the essay. (“Another one of those themes is survival. The ravishing fire( when people were trying to get out of the building) almost killed people.”)
Language Use & Style
The essay has limited language use and style. It demonstrates simple language use, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice. There are short sentences, repetition, and poor style. Essays at this level are often inadequate at communicating the message. The essay is often informal. At this level, poor language usage is often a determining factor in determining why a student will receive an inadequate grade, since the prompt task is simply recounting the events of the story. (“ Also, Ty and Shaquille lost all of their clothes by selling them, or did they. Read the story to find out. This was one out of three temes n the story.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The essay has limited control of conventions and mechanics. It has several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. Each sentence should have a subject and a verb and end with a punctuation mark. Sentences may not be consistently indented when a new paragraph begins. Line breaks may not be consistently used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. Each sentence should begin with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing. (“Throghout the story, the boys ave minds that constantly nip and bite at them telling them about the video gme and making them want it more and more after every econd.”)
Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.
Model Essay
A hard choice
Some times you have to make choices on hard work. If you want to be successful you have to work hard and make smart choices . If you do you will succeeded.
Some times choices cn be difficult. People can make good and atrocious choices. Shaquille and Ty made the choice not wrk hard . I made that choice in school and it effected my report card. Shaquille and Ty did not want to work hard. Some times hrd work is what u have to do. Hard work can show/effect on some things. When I worked had in school it reflectd on my report card. When I did not work hard it also refected on my report card just as well.
The authors note is "If you make choics on things, good things might happen and hard work is the way to work
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The essay has minimal focus and meaning. It establishes a confused or incomplete analysis of the text and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea. One of the essay’s main strong points is that it addresses the prompt task by identifying some of the key themes in the story, remaining on topic throughout. It has an introduction that sums up the main ideas of the story, although it doesn’t name the story specifically. The main body paragraph provides most of the details in the story. Most essays at this level provide irrelevant information or only briefly touch on the topic in question. (“ Some times you have to make choices on hard work. If you want to be successful you have to work hard and make smart choices . If you do you will succeeded.”)
Content & Development
The essay has minimal content and development. It develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references to the text. The essay uses minimal details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. Each main idea should be written as topic sentence in its own body paragraph. Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are minimally used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. The essay is seriously lacking in supporting ideas and the details to back them up. Essays at this level rarely have more than one or two supporting arguments. (“Some times choices cn be difficult. People can make good and atrocious choices. Shaquille and Ty made the choice not wrk hard . I made that choice in school and it effected my report card. Shaquille and Ty did not want to work hard.”)
Organization
The essay has minimal organization. It demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction, a poor conclusion, and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. T he essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. The introduction includes little background information about the topic. The first sentence of the introduction does not include a question, a quotation, or an interesting fact or statistic. It does little to include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. There is little evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. The conclusion does not leave the readers with something to think about or teach readers a lesson. (“ The authors note is "If you make choics on things, good things might happen and hard work is the way to work”)
Language Use & Style
The essay has minimal language use and style. It demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience. It makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. There are run-on portions in the essay. The lengths of the sentences are short. The essay uses the same group of words to begin two sentences in the paragraph. Transitions are needed. The essay should use more varied and appropriate transitions. The style is not formal. (“ Hard work can show/effect on some things. When I worked had in school it reflectd on my report card. When I did not work hard it also refected on my report card just as well.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The essay has minimal control of conventions and mechanics. It has patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. Each sentence in the essay does not consistently have a subject and a verb. Each sentence does not end with a punctuation mark. Indents or line breaks are not used to begin new paragraphs, and each sentence does not begin with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve the writing. (“Hard work can show/effect on some things. When I worked had in school it reflectd on my report card. When I did not work hard it also refected on my report card just as well.”)
Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
Hard choice has three diferent thems one is money, two is work three is family.money to buy basball dreams but it was $49.99. They needed money for it but they don't have any money so they made a garage sale.
They had to do so many things to do they had to clean up the house take all toys that they just got and sold them.e old toys and clothes to the front of the house.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The essay has inadequate or no focus and meaning. It fails to establish an analysis of the text and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea. The essay inadequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer does not keep the same focus throughout the writing and does not state the central/controlling idea of the essay. In the introduction, the supporting idea of the essay is inadequate or is not stated. Essays at this level are just barely considered on topic. The author discusses the story, but offers little insight as to what happened. (“They had to do so many things to do they had to clean up the house take all toys that they just got and sold them.e old toys and clothes to the front of the house.”)
Content & Development
The essay has inadequate or no content and development. It fails to develop ideas, using no meaningful references to the text. The essay uses inadequate or no details that relate to the theme of the story, including details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. The essay includes inadequate or no details that connect the essay question to the text. The writer uses inadequate or no details to describe what is important about the main characters. At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. There are inadequate or no main ideas in the body paragraphs. Essays at this level are extremely brief and do not attempt to offer details to support the few ideas that are presented.
Organization
The essay has inadequate or no organization. It demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion and no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices. There is no introduction, and there are no body paragraphs or concluding remarks. Essays at this level may or may not have paragraph breaks; in this essay there is little attempt to properly separate the ideas presented. (“They needed money for it but they don't have any money so they made a garage sale.”)
Language Use & Style
The essay has inadequate language use and style. It demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. Essays at this level may have run-on sentences that are too long, sentences that are too short, repetitious statements, and informal language. The writer makes no attempt to include transitions. The content is often difficult to understand. (“ Hard choice has three diferent thems one is money, two is work three is family.money to buy basball dreams but it was $49.99. They needed money for it but they don't have any money so they made a garage sale.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The essay has inadequate or no control of conventions and mechanics. It has major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not include a subject and a verb in every sentence, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent or use line breaks when beginning new paragraphs, or begin each sentence with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing. (“ Hard choice has three diferent thems one is money, two is work three is family.money to buy basball dreams but it was $49.99. They needed money for it but they don't have any money so they made a garage sale.”)
Think about a character from a story you have read. What traits make that character likeable or unlikeable to you?
In a multi-paragraph essay, describe the character and discuss the traits that make the character likeable or unlikeable. Be sure to include specific examples of this character's behavior from the story so readers can picture his/her traits.
Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
My most admired character from the Hunger Games is the passionate Katniss Everdeen. She possesses multiple likable qualities such as: reaching any length to care for others and her willingness to sacrifice her life for the sake of others. Katniss is an exceedingly agile and skilled athlete.
No matter what the circumstances were, Katniss helped others before herself. When Rue, a 12 year girl, tragically died, Katniss covered her with beautiful flowers to show her sorrow and sympathy for her. She also sang her a simple, calm lullaby that her dad had taught her when she was little. Katniss had not sung since her father died, but she wanted to fulfill Rue's last wish which was for Katniss to sing to her. Another example that Katniss demonstrates is when she aids Peeta's wounded leg. Peeta, the Bakers' son, had been severely injured in the Hunger Games. His wounds needed great care, so Katniss gently spread the ointment on his cuts. She made sure that the medicine did not burn him. Selflessness is a trait that was exhibited by Katniss when she used her own sponsor to heal Peeta's pain. Katniss models an excellent example of someone who is constantly being kind when she took Rue in as an ally. Since Rue had a scarce amount of food, Katniss considerately provided her with some of her own. Even though Katniss loved others, she wasn't afraid to risk her life.
As the story unfolds, Katniss is a willing risk taker even if it means putting her life in jeopardy. She was noble to a degree, when she courageously volunteered to participate in the Hunger Games for the sake of her little sister, Primrose. Even though she knew all the dangers of doing this, she non hesitantly offered her life. She couldn't even think about putting her sister's life in harm’s way. It was just unthinkable for Katniss. In the beginning of the Hunger Games, Katniss did not put her life at stake. Even though the thought of fighting for the useful weapons was tempting, she forced herself not to attempt it. Katniss knew that this could be the cause of her death in the matter of seconds. Almost every day, Katniss and a good friend of hers, Gale, went hunting in the woods of District 12. This was forbidden, but they had to hunt in order to prevent their family from starving. If they were caught, a public whipping was held or something much worse. When Katniss and Peeta were the only two tributes left, they decided to defy their government. Every Hunger Games was qualified to have only one winner, but Katniss did not want to obey this rule. The tributes were going to eat poisonous nightlock berries to kill themselves. When doing this, they would make sure that this Hunger Games didn't have a winner. Katniss wanted the Capitol to know that they didn't own her and they have no control over her. When braveness wasn't the key to success, Katniss's skills were.
Another quality Katniss Everdeen shows is being an exceptionally impressive fighter when she took her place in the annual Hunger Games. When Katniss went hunting in the woods of District 12, she would shoot almost every animal straight in the eye. It must have taken great skill and many years of practice to accomplish this task. The bow and arrow was the only weapon that Katniss thought was right for her. She had shocking talent with this weapon. In the middle of the Hunger Games, Katniss spots a tracker jacker nest when she was sitting in a tree. A group of other tributes were right beneath her, so she instinctively started sawing the hive. One sting from a tracker jacker could kill you in seconds. Her remarkable strategies and profound methods helped her achieve this. No matter what the situation was like, Katniss was always steadfast in her actions. Her ability to conceive prominent ideas helped her throughout the Games.
Katniss Everdeen acquires numerous traits that are alluring. She has the ability to constantly be affectionate, to heroically self-sacrifice her life, and to strategize many significant plans. She is my ultimate hero and role model.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay. An in-depth analysis of the text is established, and the writer makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the story, and the perspective of the characters through a controlling or central idea.
The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. Each subsequent paragraph addresses a specific character trait. (“ She possesses multiple likable qualities such as: reaching any length to care for others and her willingness to sacrifice her life for the sake of others. Katniss is an exceedingly agile and skilled athlete.”)
The essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer clearly illustrates some of the more poignant moments in the story with very descriptive details. (“Another example that Katniss demonstrates is when she aids Peeta's wounded leg. Peeta, the Bakers' son, had been severely injured in the Hunger Games. His wounds needed great care, so Katniss gently spread the ointment on his cuts. She made sure that the medicine did not burn him. Selflessness is a trait that was exhibited by Katniss when she used her own sponsor to heal Peeta's pain. Katniss models an excellent example of someone who is constantly being kind when she took Rue in as an ally. Since Rue had a scarce amount of food, Katniss considerately provided her with some of her own. Even though Katniss loved others, she wasn't afraid to risk her life.”)
The writer’s response clearly focuses on describing the traits that make a character likeable or unlikeable. (“As the story unfolds, Katniss is a willing risk taker even if it means putting her life in jeopardy. She was noble to a degree, when she courageously volunteered to participate in the Hunger Games for the sake of her little sister, Primrose. Even though she knew all the dangers of doing this, she non hesitantly offered her life. She couldn't even think about putting her sister's life in harm’s way. It was just unthinkable for Katniss.”)
Content & Development
There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text.
The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the character analysis, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“No matter what the circumstances were, Katniss helped others before herself. When Rue, a 12 year girl, tragically died, Katniss covered her with beautiful flowers to show her sorrow and sympathy for her. She also sang her a simple, calm lullaby that her dad had taught her when she was little. Katniss had not sung since her father died, but she wanted to fulfill Rue's last wish which was for Katniss to sing to her.”)
This essay includes important details that highlight Katniss’s specific actions and thoughts that connect the essay question to the text. (“When Katniss and Peeta were the only two tributes left, they decided to defy their government. Every Hunger Games was qualified to have only one winner, but Katniss did not want to obey this rule. The tributes were going to eat poisonous nightlock berries to kill themselves. When doing this, they would make sure that this Hunger Games didn't have a winner. Katniss wanted the Capitol to know that they didn't own her and they have no control over her. When braveness wasn't the key to success, Katniss's skills were.”)
The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“Another quality Katniss Everdeen shows is being an exceptionally impressive fighter when she took her place in the annual Hunger Games. When Katniss went hunting in the woods of District 12, she would shoot almost every animal straight in the eye. It must have taken great skill and many years of practice to accomplish this task. The bow and arrow was the only weapon that Katniss thought was right for her. She had shocking talent with this weapon. In the middle of the Hunger Games, Katniss spots a tracker jacker nest when she was sitting in a tree. A group of other tributes were right beneath her, so she instinctively started sawing the hive. One sting from a tracker jacker could kill you in seconds. Her remarkable strategies and profound methods helped her achieve this. No matter what the situation was like, Katniss was always steadfast in her actions. Her ability to conceive prominent ideas helped her throughout the Games.”)
Organization
The writer is successful in organizing his/her ideas in a very effective way. A cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion is demonstrated, as well as an effective use of transitional devices throughout.
The introduction grabs the readers’ attention by describing the character of Katniss Everdeen. The writer could expand the introduction with a more creative “hook.” (“ My most admired character from the Hunger Games is the passionate Katniss Everdeen. She possesses multiple likable qualities such as: reaching any length to care for others and her willingness to sacrifice her life for the sake of others. Katniss is an exceedingly agile and skilled athlete.”)
Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ As the story unfolds, Katniss is a willing risk taker even if it means putting her life in jeopardy. She was noble to a degree, when she courageously volunteered to participate in the Hunger Games for the sake of her little sister, Primrose. Even though she knew all the dangers of doing this, she non hesitantly offered her life. She couldn't even think about putting her sister's life in harm’s way. It was just unthinkable for Katniss. In the beginning of the Hunger Games, Katniss did not put her life at stake. Even though the thought of fighting for the useful weapons was tempting, she forced herself not to attempt it. Katniss knew that this could be the cause of her death in the matter of seconds.”)
The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ Katniss Everdeen acquires numerous traits that are alluring. She has the ability to constantly be affectionate, to heroically self-sacrifice her life, and to strategize many significant plans. She is my ultimate hero and role model.”)
Language Use & Style
The essay exhibits very effective language use, voice, and style. The writer demonstrates precise language use, artful word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of the intended audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the cohesiveness and clarity of the writer’s message.
The writer’s use of sophisticated word choice and descriptive detail adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“No matter what the circumstances were, Katniss helped others before herself. When Rue, a 12 year girl, tragically died, Katniss covered her with beautiful flowers to show her sorrow and sympathy for her. She also sang her a simple, calm lullaby that her dad had taught her when she was little. Katniss had not sung since her father died, but she wanted to fulfill Rue's last wish which was for Katniss to sing to her. Another example that Katniss demonstrates is when she aids Peeta's wounded leg. Peeta, the Bakers' son, had been severely injured in the Hunger Games. His wounds needed great care, so Katniss gently spread the ointment on his cuts. She made sure that the medicine did not burn him.”)
The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the more significant events in the story that illustrate Katniss’s likeable traits. ( “ Selflessness is a trait that was exhibited by Katniss when she used her own sponsor to heal Peeta's pain. Katniss models an excellent example of someone who is constantly being kind when she took Rue in as an ally. Since Rue had a scarce amount of food, Katniss considerately provided her with some of her own. Even though Katniss loved others, she wasn't afraid to risk her life.”)
The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. The writer paints a picture of the character’s traits so that by the end of the essay, the readers understand why the writer likes this character. ( “ Another quality Katniss Everdeen shows is being an exceptionally impressive fighter when she took her place in the annual Hunger Games. When Katniss went hunting in the woods of District 12, she would shoot almost every animal straight in the eye. It must have taken great skill and many years of practice to accomplish this task. The bow and arrow was the only weapon that Katniss thought was right for her. She had shocking talent with this weapon. In the middle of the Hunger Games, Katniss spots a tracker jacker nest when she was sitting in a tree. A group of other tributes were right beneath her, so she instinctively started sawing the hive. One sting from a tracker jacker could kill you in seconds. Her remarkable strategies and profound methods helped her achieve this. No matter what the situation was like, Katniss was always steadfast in her actions. Her ability to conceive prominent ideas helped her throughout the Games.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
There is very effective control of mechanics and conventions in the essay. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would impede the writer’s message or purpose in any way.
For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ Katniss Everdeen acquires numerous traits that are alluring. She has the ability to constantly be affectionate, to heroically self-sacrifice her life, and to strategize many significant plans. She is my ultimate hero and role model.”)
Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
A Very Likable Character
Out of all the books I have read and all the characters in them, a character from the series Cirque Du Freak named Darren Shan is the most likable of them all. Darren has qualities and virtues that make him a good, respectable, admirable character. Such traits are: Courage, selflessness, and helpfulness. These traits are what make him the likable character he is now. Darren is extraordinary indeed!
Darren Shan’s courage is one of his best traits. This specific virtue is what let him face a vampire no matter how dangerous or tricky it was. Darren's courage is also what allowed him to confront a dark and dangerous man named Desmond Tiny, a.k.a. Des Tiny or Mr.Destiny. Darren argued until threatened by Desmond Tiny. Also, Darren was courageous enough to fight alongside his friend, Sam Grest, against the murderous wolfman.
Darren is selfless, he will stand up for a person in need, or risk his life for others. For example, when his best friend Steve was bitten by an extremely rare and poisonous spider, Darren went to Larten Crepsley, a vampire, to get the antidote. In exchange for that Darren had to become a half-vampire. To save Steve, Darren did just that. Once again, when Sam Grest was facing the savage wolfman, Darren did not care if he lost his life, he wanted to save Sam. Darren protects others. For example, even though it would hurt him, Darren refused to drink human blood as to not hurt others.
Also, Darren is very helpful. He helps Evra Von, Darren's snakeboy friend, with his chores at the Cirque Du Freak. Chores at the Cirque are hard, very hard. Darren also helps the Little People, a mysterious, carnivorous group that sometimes travel with the Cirque, hunt for food. Since he is a half-vampire he can hunt for them. As I said before, when Sam was in trouble with the fearsome wolfman, Darren was a good ally and stuck with Sam the whole way. Although Darren could not save Sam from death, Darren was a helpful ally and a friend through and through all the way.
Darren Shan is indeed a most likable character. His virtues make him a respectable role model who sets good examples. He is also admirable by having control and use of his traits. These traits make him unique and special character. As said before Darren Shan is respectable, admirable, and most of all, likable. Darren Shan Is a very, very likable character.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The essay has good focus and meaning. The writer establishes a good analysis of the text and makes clear connections between the task, the ideas in the text, and the literary theme through a controlling or central idea.
The writer chooses to focus on the qualities and virtues that make Darren Shan a likeable character. The writer is effective in this approach and cleverly keeps that same focus throughout the writing. (“ Out of all the books I have read and all the characters in them, a character from the series Cirque Du Freak named Darren Shan is the most likable of them all. Darren has qualities and virtues that make him a good, respectable, admirable character. Such traits are: Courage, selflessness, and helpfulness. These traits are what make him the likable character he is now. Darren is extraordinary indeed!”)
The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about Shan’s best traits, one of which is courage. (“ Darren Shan’s courage is one of his best traits. This specific virtue is what let him face a vampire no matter how dangerous or tricky it was. Darren's courage is also what allowed him to confront a dark and dangerous man named Desmond Tiny, a.k.a. Des Tiny or Mr.Destiny. Darren argued until threatened by Desmond Tiny. Also, Darren was courageous enough to fight alongside his friend, Sam Grest, against the murderous wolfman.”)
The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, character, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ Darren is selfless, he will stand up for a person in need, or risk his life for others. For example, when his best friend Steve was bitten by an extremely rare and poisonous spider, Darren went to Larten Crepsley, a vampire, to get the antidote. In exchange for that Darren had to become a half-vampire. To save Steve, Darren did just that. ”)
Content & Development
The essay provides good content and development that connect the writer’s ideas to the text. The writer develops the ideas fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence from the story to support his/her thesis.
The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“Darren Shan’s courage is one of his best traits. This specific virtue is what let him face a vampire no matter how dangerous or tricky it was. Darren's courage is also what allowed him to confront a dark and dangerous man named Desmond Tiny, a.k.a. Des Tiny or Mr.Destiny. Darren argued until threatened by Desmond Tiny. Also, Darren was courageous enough to fight alongside his friend, Sam Grest, against the murderous wolfman.”)
The writer uses details that relate to the character analysis, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“Also, Darren is very helpful. He helps Evra Von, Darren's snakeboy friend, with his chores at the Cirque Du Freak. Chores at the Cirque are hard, very hard. Darren also helps the Little People, a mysterious, carnivorous group that sometimes travel with the Cirque, hunt for food. Since he is a half-vampire he can hunt for them.”)
The essay includes specific details and paraphrasing of dialogue (by or about the main characters) with clear references to the characters’ actions. (“Darren is selfless, he will stand up for a person in need, or risk his life for others. For example, when his best friend Steve was bitten by an extremely rare and poisonous spider, Darren went to Larten Crepsley, a vampire, to get the antidote. In exchange for that Darren had to become a half-vampire. To save Steve, Darren did just that. Once again, when Sam Grest was facing the savage wolfman, Darren did not care if he lost his life, he wanted to save Sam. Darren protects others. For example, even though it would hurt him, Darren refused to drink human blood as to not hurt others. ”)
Organization
The writer demonstrates good organization in the essay. The essay presents a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. The writer’s consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices assists in conveying an effective message to the intended audience.
The introduction grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning of the essay. (“ Out of all the books I have read and all the characters in them, a character from the series Cirque Du Freak named Darren Shan is the most likable of them all. Darren has qualities and virtues that make him a good, respectable, admirable character. Such traits are: Courage, selflessness, and helpfulness. These traits are what make him the likable character he is now. Darren is extraordinary indeed!”)
Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ Also, Darren is very helpful. He helps Evra Von, Darren's snakeboy friend, with his chores at the Cirque Du Freak. Chores at the Cirque are hard, very hard. Darren also helps the Little People, a mysterious, carnivorous group that sometimes travel with the Cirque, hunt for food. Since he is a half-vampire he can hunt for them. As I said before, when Sam was in trouble with the fearsome wolfman, Darren was a good ally and stuck with Sam the whole way. Although Darren could not save Sam from death, Darren was a helpful ally and a friend through and through all the way. ”)
The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“ Darren Shan is indeed a most likable character. His virtues make him a respectable role model who sets good examples. He is also admirable by having control and use of his traits. These traits make him unique and special character. As said before Darren Shan is respectable, admirable, and most of all, likable. Darren Shan Is a very, very likable character.”)
Language Use & Style
The writer exhibits good use of language, voice, and style in the essay. There is appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. The writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety.
The writer makes good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“ Darren Shan’s courage is one of his best traits. This specific virtue is what let him face a vampire no matter how dangerous or tricky it was. Darren's courage is also what allowed him to confront a dark and dangerous man named Desmond Tiny, a.k.a. Des Tiny or Mr.Destiny. Darren argued until threatened by Desmond Tiny. Also, Darren was courageous enough to fight alongside his friend, Sam Grest, against the murderous wolfman. ”)
The writer demonstrates strong voice in the response. (“ Since he is a half-vampire he can hunt for them. As I said before, when Sam was in trouble with the fearsome wolfman, Darren was a good ally and stuck with Sam the whole way. Although Darren could not save Sam from death, Darren was a helpful ally and a friend through and through all the way. ” )
Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ Darren Shan is indeed a most likable character. His virtues make him a respectable role model who sets good examples. He is also admirable by having control and use of his traits. These traits make him unique and special character. As said before Darren Shan is respectable, admirable, and most of all, likable. ”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.
For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, and sentences use line breaks to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. (“ He helps Evra Von, Darren's snakeboy friend, with his chores at the Cirque Du Freak. Chores at the Cirque are hard, very hard. Darren also helps the Little People, a mysterious, carnivorous group that sometimes travel with the Cirque, hunt for food. ”)
Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
When thirteen year old Brian is flying to see his dad, the pilot suffers a heart attack and the plane crashes into a lake. He is alone in the Canadian wilderness with an injured leg and nobody to help him. he has to make a fire to survive. Three characteristics that make Brian a likable character is he was smart, tough, and resourceful.
One characteristic that makes Brian a likable character is he was smart. Brian showed his intelligence when he learned how to make a fire using a hatchet to create sparks and ignite a flame. He, also showed he was smart when he remembered that flames needed oxygen so he blew on the flame. The final way he showed he was smart is he searched for food and got berries.
Another reason that made Brian a likable character is he was tough. Brian showed he was tough when he was lost in the middle of the Canadian wilderness he did not give up hope. He also showed he was tough when he got porcupine needles stuck in his leg he did not cry. The final reason he showed he was tough is when he could not figure out a way to make fire he kept on trying.
The last reason why Brian is a likable character is he's resourceful. One way how he showed he was resourceful is he ripped up a twenty dollar bill to start the fire. Brian also used twigs and branches to feed the fire so, the flames would not run out.
I have read many stories with many likable characters but Brian is clearly the most likable character because he is smart, tough, and resourceful.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the response. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.
The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer selects three traits that make Brian a likeable character and provides adequate details so the readers can imagine the character in their minds. (“When thirteen year old Brian is flying to see his dad, the pilot suffers a heart attack and the plane crashes into a lake. He is alone in the Canadian wilderness with an injured leg and nobody to help him. he has to make a fire to survive. Three characteristics that make Brian a likable character is he was smart, tough, and resourceful.”)
The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“He also showed he was tough when he got porcupine needles stuck in his leg he did not cry. The final reason he showed he was tough is when he could not figure out a way to make fire he kept on trying.”)
The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. The writer explains why he likes the character in the story. (“The last reason why Brian is a likable character is he's resourceful. One way how he showed he was resourceful is he ripped up a twenty dollar bill to start the fire. Brian also used twigs and branches to feed the fire so, the flames would not run out.”)
Content & Development
There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific, accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.
The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“One characteristic that makes Brian a likable character is he was smart. Brian showed his intelligence when he learned how to make a fire using a hatchet to create sparks and ignite a flame. He, also showed he was smart when he remembered that flames needed oxygen so he blew on the flame. The final way he showed he was smart is he searched for food and got berries.”)
The essay generally uses details that relate to the thoughts and behavior of the selected character. (“Another reason that made Brian a likable character is he was tough. Brian showed he was tough when he was lost in the middle of the Canadian wilderness he did not give up hope. He also showed he was tough when he got porcupine needles stuck in his leg he did not cry.”)
The main ideas of the body paragraphs explain Brian’s likeable character traits, which clearly support the thesis. (“The last reason why Brian is a likable character is he's resourceful. One way how he showed he was resourceful is he ripped up a twenty dollar bill to start the fire. Brian also used twigs and branches to feed the fire so, the flames would not run out.”)
Organization
The organization of content is adequate in the essay. The writer demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. In addition, there is consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout.
The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ When thirteen year old Brian is flying to see his dad, the pilot suffers a heart attack and the plane crashes into a lake. He is alone in the Canadian wilderness with an injured leg and nobody to help him. he has to make a fire to survive. Three characteristics that make Brian a likable character is he was smart, tough, and resourceful.”)
Although the writer employs transitions between sentences, they are repetitive in each paragraph. The writer may select from a variety of t ransitional devices from the MY Access! Word Bank to adequately connect ideas. (“ Brian showed his intelligence when he learned how to make a fire using a hatchet to create sparks and ignite a flame. He, also showed he was smart when he remembered that flames needed oxygen so he blew on the flame. The final way he showed he was smart is he searched for food and got berries.”)
The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“ I have read many stories with many likable characters but Brian is clearly the most likable character because he is smart, tough, and resourceful. ”)
Language Use & Style
The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is adequate in the essay. The writer provides appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.
Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“ One characteristic that makes Brian a likable character is he was smart. Brian showed his intelligence when he learned how to make a fire using a hatchet to create sparks and ignite a flame. He, also showed he was smart when he remembered that flames needed oxygen so he blew on the flame.”)
Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ The last reason why Brian is a likable character is he's resourceful. One way how he showed he was resourceful is he ripped up a twenty dollar bill to start the fire. Brian also used twigs and branches to feed the fire so, the flames would not run out.”)
The writer maintains adequate voice as he/she writes to describe personal preferences. (“
I have read many stories with many likable characters but Brian is clearly the most likable character because he is smart, tough, and resourceful.
”)
Mechanics & Conventions
There is adequate control of mechanics and conventions in the response. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not interfere with the communication of the message.
The writer adequately ensures that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, and chosen words are spelled correctly. (“ When thirteen year old Brian is flying to see his dad, the pilot suffers a heart attack and the plane crashes into a lake. He is alone in the Canadian wilderness with an injured leg and nobody to help him.”) The writer should proofread carefully and correct remaining errors.
Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
Qui-Gon Jinn is a Jedi Master from STAR WARS Secrets of the Jedi. I think that Qui-Gon is a likable person.
One reason that Qui-Gon is a likable person is that he is a Jedi Master because he's been training hard to become one. He started since he was a little kid. After that he became a Padawan Then he was a rank called a Jedi Knight. he was ranked Jedi Master.
he has a lot of wisdom. One example of that is that he can slow down time. He also knows when an enemy's going to attack. Master Qui-Gon Jinn can also meditate deeply. he can sense when someone is in danger.
Last, He is strong by blocking attacks. Hes also strong by turning defense to offense. He is finnaly is strong by using the force to his advantage.
All in all, Qui-Gon Jinn is a very likable person.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The writer demonstrates limited focus and meaning in the essay. The response establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes only few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.
The essay states a limited central/controlling idea. (“I think that Qui-Gon is a likable person.”)
The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection in a limited way. By describing Qui-Gon as a Jedi Master, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, the lack of details renders the essay limited at best. (“One reason that Qui-Gon is a likable person is that he is a Jedi Master because he's been training hard to become one. He started since he was a little kid. After that he became a Padawan Then he was a rank called a Jedi Knight. he was ranked Jedi Master.”)
The writer uses some limited details that relate to the character analysis, including specific information about the character’s abilities. (“he has a lot of wisdom. One example of that is that he can slow down time. He also knows when an enemy's going to attack. Master Qui-Gon Jinn can also meditate deeply. he can sense when someone is in danger.”)
Content & Development
The content and development of ideas are limited in the essay. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.
The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Last, He is strong by blocking attacks. Hes also strong by turning defense to offense. He is finnaly is strong by using the force to his advantage.”)
This essay includes limited or few details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“One reason that Qui-Gon is a likable person is that he is a Jedi Master because he's been training hard to become one. He started since he was a little kid. After that he became a Padawan Then he was a rank called a Jedi Knight. he was ranked Jedi Master.”)
The essay uses few specific details that discuss the character’s traits as likeable or unlikeable. The writer provides limited support from the text. (“he has a lot of wisdom. One example of that is that he can slow down time. He also knows when an enemy's going to attack. Master Qui-Gon Jinn can also meditate deeply. he can sense when someone is in danger.”)
Organization
There is limited organization in the essay. The writer demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, lacks effective paragraphing, and uses transitional devices in a very limited way.
The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Qui-Gon Jinn is a Jedi Master from STAR WARS Secrets of the Jedi. I think that Qui-Gon is a likable person. ”)
There is some evidence of subtle t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ One reason that Qui-Gon is a likable person is that he is a Jedi Master because he's been training hard to become one. He started since he was a little kid. After that he became a Padawan Then he was a rank called a Jedi Knight. he was ranked Jedi Master. ”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) will help the essay move from one main idea to the next.
The conclusion only serves to restate the writer’s central assertion and does not summarize or give the readers something to think about. (“ All in all, Qui-Gon Jinn is a very likable person. ”)
Language Use & Style
The writer demonstrates limited language use and style in the response. The essay reveals simple language use, some awareness of audience, and control of voice, but relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.
The essay uses the same group of words to begin sentences. (“ Last, He is strong by blocking attacks. Hes also strong by turning defense to offense. He is finnaly is strong by using the force to his advantage. ”)
There is weak structure of many sentences in the essay, and the writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“ He started since he was a little kid. After that he became a Padawan Then he was a rank called a Jedi Knight. he was ranked Jedi Master.”)
The writer should use more varied and appropriate transitions between sentences to more effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience . (“ he has a lot of wisdom. One example of that is that he can slow down time. He also knows when an enemy's going to attack. Master Qui-Gon Jinn can also meditate deeply. he can sense when someone is in danger. ”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The essay demonstrates limited control of mechanics and conventions. It has numerous errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, which may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.
To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, and the spelling of chosen words is checked. (“ Hes also strong by turning defense to offense. He is finnaly is strong by using the force to his advantage. ”)
The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.
Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.
Model Essay
Squeaky has an old brother named Raymond. everybody thinks raymond is her lil brother because she looks after him at all time. Raymond is really off sometimes when ain't feeling rite. Lupe's attitade help her to win a mable championship. She prestence choosing a sport to compete, willing to train her body/thumb. Lupe acceptance of support of her family. Im think the main charder lupe is not a quitter, she is somewant like me. the first reason i like someone like her because she doesnt give up. Another reason is lupe is smart. The last reason is I like the story, lupe and my mom is like the some becous they are smart never quit.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. A controlling idea is minimally suggested, but the writer demonstrates little understanding of the purpose of the writing task and the intended audience. Therefore, the essay satisfies few components of the task.
The essay does little to state the central/controlling idea of the essay. The writer mentions two seemingly unrelated characters. Consequently, because of weak details and confusing chronology, the response is very difficult for the readers to follow. (“Squeaky has an old brother named Raymond. everybody thinks raymond is her lil brother because she looks after him at all time. Raymond is really off sometimes when ain't feeling rite. Lupe's attitade help her to win a mable championship.”)
The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow readers to understand the writer’s ideas for Lupe’s likeable or unlikeable character traits. (“She prestence choosing a sport to compete, willing to train her body/thumb. Lupe acceptance of support of her family.”)
The writer provides minimal meaningful examples to support and explain the character’s traits. (“ The last reason is I like the story, lupe and my mom is like the some becous they are smart never quit.”)
Content & Development
There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the text for support.
This essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to explain why he/she likes Lupe but falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers understand the character. (“Im think the main charder lupe is not a quitter, she is somewant like me. the first reason i like someone like her because she doesnt give up.”)
Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Another reason is lupe is smart. The last reason is I like the story, lupe and my mom is like the some becous they are smart never quit.”)
Due to the brevity of this one-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“Squeaky has an old brother named Raymond. everybody thinks raymond is her lil brother because she looks after him at all time. Raymond is really off sometimes when ain't feeling rite. Lupe's attitade help her to win a mable championship. She prestence choosing a sport to compete, willing to train her body/thumb. Lupe acceptance of support of her family. Im think the main charder lupe is not a quitter, she is somewant like me. the first reason i like someone like her because she doesnt give up. Another reason is lupe is smart. The last reason is I like the story, lupe and my mom is like the some becous they are smart never quit.”)
Organization
The writer provides minimal organization in the task response. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.
The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. In fact, the beginning of the essay appears unrelated to the rest of the response. (“Squeaky has an old brother named Raymond. everybody thinks raymond is her lil brother because she looks after him at all time. Raymond is really off sometimes when ain't feeling rite.”)
The writer does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the reasons that Lupe is a likeable or unlikeable character. Some transitions are attempted between sentences. (“Im think the main charder lupe is not a quitter, she is somewant like me. the first reason i like someone like her because she doesnt give up.”)
The essay does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the main ideas of the essay, and it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“ The last reason is I like the story, lupe and my mom is like the some becous they are smart never quit. ”)
Language Use & Style
The use of language and style is minimal in the essay. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and commits basic errors in sentence structure and usage.
There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ Im think the main charder lupe is not a quitter, she is somewant like me.”)
Exact words are missing, and incorrect word selections are employed in many of the sentences in the essay. (“ Raymond is really off sometimes when ain't feeling rite.”)
The essay contains unclear language and awkward sentence structures. (“ She prestence choosing a sport to compete, willing to train her body/thumb. Lupe acceptance of support of her family.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The essay demonstrates minimal control of mechanics and conventions. It has significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, which interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.
To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, and the spelling of chosen words is checked. (“ everybody thinks raymond is her lil brother because she looks after him at all time. Raymond is really off sometimes when ain't feeling rite. ”)
The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.
Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.
Model Essay
The story I read was about a mouse he ride a bike that character was sometime mad an he say he sorry or forgive them and he is exiting and he had a adventure because there was two guys wanted to find the mouse and get rid of them. And there a boy that find him. And the main characterhe might be cool he really like his bike because he likes riding on it he does like cool stunt.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The writer demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. The essay fails to support the writer’s assertions with analysis from the text. Additionally, there are no connections among the task, the writer’s ideas, and literary elements through a controlling or central idea.
The essay does not state a central/controlling idea. It is difficult to determine what character traits the writer is conveying from the text. The essay is unfocused, and ideas are unorganized. (“The story I read was about a mouse he ride a bike that character was sometime mad an he say he sorry or forgive them and he is exiting and he had a adventure because there was two guys wanted to find the mouse and get rid of them.”)
The essay reveals inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“And there a boy that find him.”)
The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay leaves readers feeling a bit confused. (“And the main characterhe might be cool he really like his bike because he likes riding on it he does like cool stunt.”)
Content & Development
The essay’s content and development are glaringly inadequate. The response lacks effective development of ideas and uses no meaningful references to the text to support the writer’s assertions that the character is likeable or unlikable in the context of the selection.
The essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address the character’s personality traits but does not develop the ideas. (“The story I read was about a mouse he ride a bike that character was sometime mad an he say he sorry or forgive them”)
Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“and he is exiting and he had a adventure because there was two guys wanted to find the mouse and get rid of them. And there a boy that find him.”)
Due to the brevity of this one-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“The story I read was about a mouse he ride a bike that character was sometime mad an he say he sorry or forgive them and he is exiting and he had a adventure because there was two guys wanted to find the mouse and get rid of them. And there a boy that find him. And the main characterhe might be cool he really like his bike because he likes riding on it he does like cool stunt.”)
Organization
The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no recognizable introduction or conclusion. Additionally, the writer does not employ the use of paragraphing or transitional devices to create a cohesive, effective message for the intended audience.
The introductory paragraph is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ The story I read was about a mouse he ride a bike that character was sometime mad an he say he sorry or forgive them and he is exiting and he had a adventure because there was two guys wanted to find the mouse and get rid of them.”)
T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ because there was two guys wanted to find the mouse and get rid of them. And there a boy that find him.”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.
The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ And the main characterhe might be cool he really like his bike because he likes riding on it he does like cool stunt.”)
Language Use & Style
There is inadequate language use and style provided in the essay. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.
The structure of some of the sentences combines thoughts and ideas that are unrelated to one another. This contributes to a confused, almost rushed response to the writing task. (“ The story I read was about a mouse he ride a bike that character was sometime mad an he say he sorry or forgive them and he is exiting and he had a adventure because there was two guys wanted to find the mouse and get rid of them.”)
The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ And the main characterhe might be cool he really like his bike because he likes riding on it he does like cool stunt.”)
There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ The story I read was about a mouse he ride a bike that character was sometime mad an he say he sorry or forgive them and he is exiting and he had a adventure because there was two guys wanted to find the mouse and get rid of them.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The essay demonstrates inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. It has significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, which interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.
To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, and chosen words are spelled correctly. (“And there a boy that find him.”)
The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.
Read the selection "Grandpa's Garden." What does Jimmy learn about gardening from Grandpa? Use details from the story to support your answer.
Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.
Model Essay
"This is my pride and joy!" Grandpa told Jimmy one day while working in the garden. Grandpa's Garden is a great short story by an unknown author. This story is about a boy who learns a tremendous amount about gardening from his grandfather. Every time Jimmy goes to his grandpa's house, they always do things in the garden. They even have a special order that they follow. “We pick the peaches first, and then we pick the tomatoes. After that, we pick the cucumbers, beans, peppers, potatoes, green beans, and then the corn. Finally, we pick the watermelon, honeydew, and strawberries.” I think the big idea is that anyone can garden if they put their minds to it. This statement is proven when Jimmy, a young boy, and his grandfather, an older man, and his grandmother, an older lady, all help each other plant, pick, and care for a lovely garden.
Jimmy is a young boy who really enjoys learning a lot. He enjoys learning from his grandparents the best. He has brown hair, blue eyes, and he loves his grandparents. Since he loves his grandparents so much, his mom, a nice, young, and intelligent lady, drives him to their house whenever it can be arranged. His mom also supports that Jimmy loves his grandparents and that he likes to spend time with them, and the rest of his family.
Jimmy learns so much from his grandfather over the course of his lifetime. He learns what to use for gardening, how to pick the items that are grown, how to care for them, and what to do with all the crops at a young age. He learns to always have leather gloves when he is working. To help the peaches, he must pick the ones that are a little pink, but not too soft, and make them ripen in a brown bag and in the house. This gives the crops an opportunity to get sweet and it stops insects from getting into them. To pick the tomatoes, you must pick every color, except green, and make them ripen in a brown bag. Tomatoes are important to pick in a timely fashion for several reasons. They are home to many insects, and raccoons eat them right off the vine. Consequently, it is crucial to get to the tomatoes before these other creatures do. The ripe ones that they pick can be made into savory sauce, while the other ones can be made into a delectable relish. The reason you wear the protective gloves is for the prickly items like cucumbers, potatoes, peppers, green beans, and corn. These items can be canned in jars. Next, we pick the fruit that is "in season." The fruits are watermelons, honeydew, melons, and strawberries. The fruits that are best for canning are strawberries and peaches. Jimmy also learns how to can fruits and vegetables from his Grandmother. First, she boils them, puts them into Mason jars, and adds a teaspoon of salt to each can. In doing this, she preserves the life of each jar, which is approximately five years!
He also learns about the vegetables Grandpa has hanging on a chained linked fence. The item you find on the fence, you cannot eat. It is called a gourd. These vegetables can't be eaten so Jimmy and his Grandpa like to use them to make birdhouses. First, they cut the gourds off the vine and then dry the gourds out. They then sand them down on the outside so they are very smooth. Then, they paint each one and cut out a small hole, about two inches in diameter. Next, they attach a rope to the top of the gourd and secure a small stick beneath the hole. Lastly, they carefully hang it from a tree. A special type of bird, called a Mosquito bird, loves the birdhouses, and sometimes they have their babies in there. Everyone wins in this arrangement. The birds get a home and Grandpa gets natural exterminators who eat the mosquitoes as part of their food chain!
I'm sure that the day will come when Jimmy's grandparents are no longer with him. This will be a sad time. But Jimmy will know how to take care of their garden. He can also help his mom with their garden, if they have one, and when he is old enough, he can choose to start one of his own that he can take care in the spirit of his grandparents’ endeavors. He can live out the lessons of his grandparents; that anyone can garden if they just get to it and believe in themselves. The moral of the story and his grandparents' lessons is to believe in yourself and what you can do.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The writer very effectively provides strong focus and meaning. The essay establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. The writer successfully completes all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.
The essay grabs the readers’ attention by very effectively using an interesting statement or a question at the beginning of the introduction. The writer opts to quote the young boy’s grandfather to effectively set up the scene in the garden. (“ ’This is my pride and joy!’ Grandpa told Jimmy one day while working in the garden. Grandpa's Garden is a great short story by an unknown author. This story is about a boy who learns a tremendous amount about gardening from his grandfather. ”) By using this opening, readers are poised to focus on the lessons of gardening, and understand the greater meaning of the character’s experience.
The essay’s introduction and first paragraph are very effectively focused on the controlling idea with information about the character’s background (in terms of the situation he found himself in), and what lessons Jimmy learns from his grandfather in the garden. (“ Every time Jimmy goes to his grandpa's house, they always do things in the garden. They even have a special order that they follow. ‘We pick the peaches first, and then we pick the tomatoes. After that, we pick the cucumbers, beans, peppers, potatoes, green beans, and then the corn. Finally, we pick the watermelon, honeydew, and strawberries.’ I think the big idea is that anyone can garden if they put their minds to it. ”)
The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. The details focus on the “tremendous amount” of things Jimmy learns while working with grandpa in the garden. (“ Jimmy learns so much from his grandfather over the course of his lifetime. He learns what to use for gardening, how to pick the items that are grown, how to care for them, and what to do with all the crops at a young age. He learns to always have leather gloves when he is working. To help the peaches, he must pick the ones that are a little pink, but not too soft, and make them ripen in a brown bag and in the house. This gives the crops an opportunity to get sweet and it stops insects from getting into them.”)
Content & Development
The writer provides very effective content and development in the essay. The key ideas are developed fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details to support the writer’s thoughts on the many things Jimmy learns from his grandparents about the art of gardening.
The writer very effectively provides relevant points to explain and illustrate the important things Jimmy learns about gardening. For example, he learns about the process of harvesting and preserving foods picked from the garden. (“Next, we pick the fruit that is ‘in season.’ The fruits are watermelons, honeydew, melons, and strawberries. The fruits that are best for canning are strawberries and peaches. Jimmy also learns how to can fruits and vegetables from his Grandmother. First, she boils them, puts them into Mason jars, and adds a teaspoon of salt to each can. In doing this, she preserves the life of each jar, which is approximately five years!”)
The content in the body paragraphs contains a variety of details that explain the paragraph’s main idea. For example, the paragraph that explains how grandpa uses an inedible vegetable to help keep pests from the garden, clearly and effectively supports the main idea contained in that portion of the essay. (“He also learns about the vegetables Grandpa has hanging on a chained linked fence. The item you find on the fence, you cannot eat. It is called a gourd. These vegetables can't be eaten so Jimmy and his Grandpa like to use them to make birdhouses. First, they cut the gourds off the vine and then dry the gourds out. They then sand them down on the outside so they are very smooth. Then, they paint each one and cut out a small hole, about two inches in diameter. Next, they attach a rope to the top of the gourd and secure a small stick beneath the hole. Lastly, they carefully hang it from a tree. A special type of bird, called a Mosquito bird, loves the birdhouses, and sometimes they have their babies in there. Everyone wins in this arrangement. The birds get a home and Grandpa gets natural exterminators who eat the mosquitoes as part of their food chain!”)
The writer includes specific examples throughout the essay; additionally, he/she provides a brief narrative showing a connection between what Jimmy learns now and how it can be used in the future. (“ I'm sure that the day will come when Jimmy's grandparents are no longer with him. This will be a sad time. But Jimmy will know how to take care of their garden. He can also help his mom with their garden, if they have one, and when he is old enough, he can choose to start one of his own that he can take care in the spirit of his grandparents’ endeavors. He can live out the lessons of his grandparents; that anyone can garden if they just get to it and believe in themselves. ”)
Organization
This essay exhibits very effective organization. The writer demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. There is also effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices.
The first sentence of the introduction includes a very effective quotation that engages readers at the very start of the essay. (“‘ This is my pride and joy!’ Grandpa told Jimmy one day while working in the garden. Grandpa's Garden is a great short story by an unknown author. This story is about a boy who learns a tremendous amount about gardening from his grandfather. Every time Jimmy goes to his grandpa's house, they always do things in the garden. ”)
Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively to provide a smooth flow of ideas. (“ First, they cut the gourds off the vine and then dry the gourds out. They then sand them down on the outside so they are very smooth. Then, they paint each one and cut out a small hole, about two inches in diameter. Next, they attach a rope to the top of the gourd and secure a small stick beneath the hole. Lastly, they carefully hang it from a tree. ”)
The conclusion very effectively reveals that the bigger lesson Jimmy learns in spending time with his grandparents is that anyone can achieve anything, if he/she puts thought and effort into it. The writer poses that someday, Jimmy will be without his grandparents, and he will have the knowledge to carry on their tradition on his own. (“ I'm sure that the day will come when Jimmy's grandparents are no longer with him. This will be a sad time. But Jimmy will know how to take care of their garden. He can also help his mom with their garden, if they have one, and when he is old enough, he can choose to start one of his own that he can take care in the spirit of his grandparents’ endeavors. He can live out the lessons of his grandparents; that anyone can garden if they just get to it and believe in themselves. The moral of the story and his grandparents' lessons is to believe in yourself and what you can do.”)
Language Use & Style
The writer employs very effective language use and style. The essay reflects precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the overall effectiveness of the essay.
The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. At times, word choices reveal a sentimental tone from the writer. (“ He can also help his mom with their garden, if they have one, and when he is old enough, he can choose to start one of his own that he can take care in the spirit of his grandparents’ endeavors. He can live out the lessons of his grandparents; that anyone can garden if they just get to it and believe in themselves. The moral of the story and his grandparents' lessons is to believe in yourself and what you can do.”)
The use of varied and well-structured sentences is very effective in conveying the writer’s message. (“ To pick the tomatoes, you must pick every color, except green, and make them ripen in a brown bag. Tomatoes are important to pick in a timely fashion for several reasons. They are home to many insects, and raccoons eat them right off the vine. Consequently, it is crucial to get to the tomatoes before these other creatures do. ”)
The writer employs a skillful style to enhance the main ideas of the essay. (“He can live out the lessons of his grandparents; that anyone can garden if they just get to it and believe in themselves. The moral of the story and his grandparents' lessons is to believe in yourself and what you can do.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
There is very effective control of mechanics and conventions in the essay. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ The fruits are watermelons, honeydew, melons, and strawberries. The fruits that are best for canning are strawberries and peaches. Jimmy also learns how to can fruits and vegetables from his Grandmother. First, she boils them, puts them into Mason jars, and adds a teaspoon of salt to each can. In doing this, she preserves the life of each jar, which is approximately five years!”)
Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.
Model Essay
Jimmy goes to his grandparent's house on the weekend. He would remember that Grandpa would always say," I would rather stay in my garden than do anything else. It doesn't matter what time of year or season. This place is my pride and joy." Jimmy knew his Grandpa had quite a feeling for nature. He also knew his Grandma had a feeling for nature also. She was a gardening person like Grandpa. From both of them, Jimmy learned many things about the art of gardening.
When he went to Grandpa's house not much had changed. Jimmy still saw that Grandma and Grandpa had lived off the land. As soon as the sun came out, the three of them went to the garden for a nice morning walk through the crops. After the walk, the three of them grabbed a bucket and a pair of leather gloves to grab and pick with. The three of them walked to the peach tree. They picked peaches that were a little pink, not too soft. Grandpa let them ripen inside the house in paper bags. In the bags, they will get sweet, and insects won't get them when they're in the house. Now Jimmy knows how to ripen peaches in a different way.
Next, the three of them go to the tomatoes. They will pick every color, except green. They too, can ripen in a brown bag. After they are ripe, you decide what to do with them. The ripe ones can be made into a sauce. The less ripe ones can be made into a relish. Now Jimmy knows what to do with the tomatoes when they are ripe. Next, all the fruit in season gets canned. The fruits that can be canned are watermelon, honeydew melon, and strawberries. Only strawberries and peaches are good for canning.
Grandma is a pro at canning vegetables. First, she boils the vegetables and then she" cans" the veggies in special jars called Mason jars; they help keep everything staying fresh. Now Jimmy knows about canning veggies. Later, Grandpa cuts some four foot long gourd off the vine of a metal, chain-linked fence, dries them out, and sands them very smoothly on the outside. Then he makes a birdhouse. Mosquito-eating Martin birds quickly make their home there. Grandpa builds them to keep mosquitos out by the Martin birds eating them. Jimmy now knows what gourds are and how to make a birdhouse out of them.
Jimmy loves his Grandpa and Grandma a lot. Now when Jimmy comes back to his grandparents he can do a lot of things with them. He can help ripen tomatoes and peaches. He can help can fruits and veggies. He can also make birdhouses out of gourds. Jimmy just wishes he could get other people to see the beautiful garden. It is so peaceful and full of life. Jimmy sure has learned a lot from both Grandma and Grandpa, like he learned how not to depend on grocery stores. Now he can use natural resources, and have a healthy hobby.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The writer provides good focus and meaning in the essay. The essay delivers a clear, controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose of the task. The writer establishes an awareness of the intended audience and completes most parts of the task.
The essay grabs the readers’ attention by using an interesting and engaging statement, quotation, or question in the beginning of the introduction. In this case, the writer chooses to quote Jimmy’s grandfather and set the scene for the experiences working in the garden. (“ Jimmy goes to his grandparent's house on the weekend. He would remember that Grandpa would always say,’ I would rather stay in my garden than do anything else. It doesn't matter what time of year or season. This place is my pride and joy.’ ”)
The writer’s central idea clearly reflects the purpose of the prompt task. (“ Jimmy knew his Grandpa had quite a feeling for nature. He also knew his Grandma had a feeling for nature also. She was a gardening person like Grandpa. From both of them, Jimmy learned many things about the art of gardening.”)
All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. The writer remains focused on the primary task of revealing the things Jimmy learns how to do while working in the garden. The supporting details all relate to these things. (“ Grandma is a pro at canning vegetables. First, she boils the vegetables and then she ‘cans’ the veggies in special jars called Mason jars; they help keep everything staying fresh. Now Jimmy knows about canning veggies. Later, Grandpa cuts some four foot long gourd off the vine of a metal, chain-linked fence, dries them out, and sands them very smoothly on the outside. Then he makes a birdhouse. Mosquito-eating Martin birds quickly make their home there. Grandpa builds them to keep mosquitos out by the Martin birds eating them. Jimmy now knows what gourds are and how to make a birdhouse out of them.”)
Content & Development
The essay exhibits good content and development. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient, appropriate details to support the central/controlling theme of the essay.
The content in the body paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain the paragraph’s main idea. The writer explores the many lessons Jimmy learned from both grandparents as he worked in the garden. (“ Jimmy loves his Grandpa and Grandma a lot. Now when Jimmy comes back to his grandparents he can do a lot of things with them. He can help ripen tomatoes and peaches. He can help can fruits and veggies. He can also make birdhouses out of gourds. ”)
The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. The writer maintains a balance in the essay by providing details that always lead back to the main objective of the task, which is to reveal the things Jimmy learns as he works alongside both of his grandparents in the garden. (“They picked peaches that were a little pink, not too soft. Grandpa let them ripen inside the house in paper bags. In the bags, they will get sweet, and insects won't get them when they're in the house. Now Jimmy knows how to ripen peaches in a different way. Next, the three of them go to the tomatoes. They will pick every color, except green. They too, can ripen in a brown bag. After they are ripe, you decide what to do with them. The ripe ones can be made into a sauce. The less ripe ones can be made into a relish. Now Jimmy knows what to do with the tomatoes when they are ripe.”)
Specific information about Jimmy’s lessons in the garden is developed clearly. (“As soon as the sun came out, the three of them went to the garden for a nice morning walk through the crops. After the walk, the three of them grabbed a bucket and a pair of leather gloves to grab and pick with. The three of them walked to the peach tree. They picked peaches that were a little pink, not too soft. Grandpa let them ripen inside the house in paper bags. In the bags, they will get sweet, and insects won't get them when they're in the house. Now Jimmy knows how to ripen peaches in a different way. Next, the three of them go to the tomatoes. They will pick every color, except green. They too, can ripen in a brown bag. After they are ripe, you decide what to do with them. The ripe ones can be made into a sauce. The less ripe ones can be made into a relish. Now Jimmy knows what to do with the tomatoes when they are ripe. Next, all the fruit in season gets canned. The fruits that can be canned are watermelon, honeydew melon, and strawberries. Only strawberries and peaches are good for canning.”)
Organization
The writer provides good organization in the essay. The essay exhibits a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. The consistent use of paragraphing and transitions makes the essay unified and cohesive.
The essay demonstrates an effective introduction that provides enough information for the readers to understand the connection between the background information and the thesis statement. (“ Jimmy goes to his grandparent's house on the weekend. He would remember that Grandpa would always say,’I would rather stay in my garden than do anything else. It doesn't matter what time of year or season. This place is my pride and joy.’ Jimmy knew his Grandpa had quite a feeling for nature. He also knew his Grandma had a feeling for nature also. She was a gardening person like Grandpa. From both of them, Jimmy learned many things about the art of gardening.”)
The writer uses subtle transitions within the essay. Although these subtle transitions do work in maintaining the flow of the essay, using the “quarter” and “dollar” to “five-dollar” and “fifty-dollar” transitions from the MY Access! Word Bank is highly recommended to effectively connect the writer’s ideas. (“ As soon as the sun came out, the three of them went to the garden for a nice morning walk through the crops. After the walk, the three of them grabbed a bucket and a pair of leather gloves to grab and pick with. ”)
The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion. The writer leaves readers with a sense that the young boy not only loves his grandparents, but learns valuable life lessons he will carry with him into adulthood. (“ Jimmy loves his Grandpa and Grandma a lot. Now when Jimmy comes back to his grandparents he can do a lot of things with them. He can help ripen tomatoes and peaches. He can help can fruits and veggies. He can also make birdhouses out of gourds. Jimmy just wishes he could get other people to see the beautiful garden. It is so peaceful and full of life. Jimmy sure has learned a lot from both Grandma and Grandpa, like he learned how not to depend on grocery stores. Now he can use natural resources, and have a healthy hobby.”)
Language Use & Style
The use of language and style in the essay is good. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured sentences is evident as well.
The language and tone in the essay are consistent. The writer’s voice comes through within the essay. Specific word choices exhibit a desire on the writer’s part to reveal how much Jimmy’s time spent learning from his grandparents really means to him. (“ Jimmy loves his Grandpa and Grandma a lot. Now when Jimmy comes back to his grandparents he can do a lot of things with them. He can help ripen tomatoes and peaches. He can help can fruits and veggies. He can also make birdhouses out of gourds. Jimmy just wishes he could get other people to see the beautiful garden. It is so peaceful and full of life. Jimmy sure has learned a lot from both Grandma and Grandpa, like he learned how not to depend on grocery stores. Now he can use natural resources, and have a healthy hobby.”)
The writer has a clear sense of the intended audience. As the writer goes through the lessons Jimmy learns, the audience can relate to the character and imagine the family working together in the garden. (“ Next, the three of them go to the tomatoes. They will pick every color, except green. They too, can ripen in a brown bag. After they are ripe, you decide what to do with them. The ripe ones can be made into a sauce. The less ripe ones can be made into a relish. Now Jimmy knows what to do with the tomatoes when they are ripe. Next, all the fruit in season gets canned. The fruits that can be canned are watermelon, honeydew melon, and strawberries. Only strawberries and peaches are good for canning.”)
The writer’s ability to construct effective sentences is good. The language use and style are appropriate, but the author should begin sentences in a variety of ways to keep the essay rich and less predictable. (“ Next, the three of them go to the tomatoes. They will pick every color, except green. They too, can ripen in a brown bag. After they are ripe, you decide what to do with them. The ripe ones can be made into a sauce. The less ripe ones can be made into a relish. Now Jimmy knows what to do with the tomatoes when they are ripe. Next, all the fruit in season gets canned. ”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The writer exhibits good control of mechanics and conventions. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not interfere with the writer’s message.
For example, most sentences have a subject and a verb, most sentences end with a punctuation mark, and most sentences begin with a capital letter. (“
Mosquito-eating Martin birds quickly make their home there. Grandpa builds them to keep mosquitos out by the Martin birds eating them. Jimmy now knows what gourds are and how to make a birdhouse out of them.”)
Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.
Model Essay
Life isn't just about technology and cool cars, it's mostly about doing something you love and enjoy. In the story, "Grandpa's Garden," a boy named Jimmy visits his grandpa and grandma who live off the land. They harvest everything from cucumbers to peaches. It's truly amazing, that even at their age, they do not have to rely on any one else.
As Jimmy visits, he helps his grandpa harvest. As soon as the sun is up, Jimmy and grandpa grab a bucket and a pair of leather gloves. They pick peaches that are a little pink, tomatoes of every color except green, prickly orka, cucumbers, potato, the hottest of peppers, leafy green beans, and fresh corn. Next, they have to pick a wide variety of fruits that are "in season." They include watermelon, honeydew, melon, and fresh strawberries Jimmy's grandma, is a pro at canning vegetables. She boils them and puts the warm veggies directly in a jar called Mason jars, which helps everything stay fresh. Than she adds a teaspoon of salt to to preserve the veggies and they last up to five years only strawberries and peaches are good fruits to canning.
This story includes many messages, but I think the main message is that no matter how prickly life can be there is still at least one sweet peach in the basket. This story was great because of the peace that was coming from the family like a sweet aroma it was like a living sweet tooth and I have learned a lot from it, but it kept going on a about fruit and I wish that it would give more detail. Still, like the garden, the story grew to my liking.
So even if your playing in the dirt or harvesting vegetables, you will always find peace in the garden. Once you read this, you will wish more people could visit the garden so everyone could share the peace, and have the experience of their lives.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The writer’s focus and meaning are adequate. The essay provides a controlling idea and demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience. The writer addresses many parts of the task.
The thesis statement expresses the main idea of the essay and the point of view of the writer adequately. (“ Life isn't just about technology and cool cars, it's mostly about doing something you love and enjoy. ”)
The introduction adequately gains the readers’ attention by introducing the characters, and then guides the readers to consider the gardening scenario. (“ In the story, "Grandpa's Garden," a boy named Jimmy visits his grandpa and grandma who live off the land. They harvest everything from cucumbers to peaches. It's truly amazing, that even at their age, they do not have to rely on any one else.”)
The writer understands the intended audience adequately, as the writer informs the audience adequately about things Jimmy does and learns while working in the garden. (“ As Jimmy visits, he helps his grandpa harvest. As soon as the sun is up, Jimmy and grandpa grab a bucket and a pair of leather gloves. They pick peaches that are a little pink, tomatoes of every color except green, prickly orka, cucumbers, potato, the hottest of peppers, leafy green beans, and fresh corn. ”)
Content & Development
The writer provides adequate content and development in the essay. The ideas are adequately developed, using sufficient details to support the writer’s ideas.
The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“ Next, they have to pick a wide variety of fruits that are "in season." They include watermelon, honeydew, melon, and fresh strawberries Jimmy's grandma, is a pro at canning vegetables. She boils them and puts the warm veggies directly in a jar called Mason jars, which helps everything stay fresh. ”)
The main ideas of each body paragraph support the writer’s thesis. The writer even includes some personal connections and reflects on the value of Jimmy’s experience. (“This story includes many messages, but I think the main message is that no matter how prickly life can be there is still at least one sweet peach in the basket. This story was great because of the peace that was coming from the family like a sweet aroma it was like a living sweet tooth and I have learned a lot from it, but it kept going on a about fruit and I wish that it would give more detail. Still, like the garden, the story grew to my liking.”)
Most of the details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. However, the writer should provide at least three details about each main idea in a body paragraph. In the essay, the writer succeeds in meeting that goal in only one paragraph. (“As Jimmy visits, he helps his grandpa harvest. As soon as the sun is up, Jimmy and grandpa grab a bucket and a pair of leather gloves. They pick peaches that are a little pink, tomatoes of every color except green, prickly orka, cucumbers, potato, the hottest of peppers, leafy green beans, and fresh corn. Next, they have to pick a wide variety of fruits that are "in season." They include watermelon, honeydew, melon, and fresh strawberries Jimmy's grandma, is a pro at canning vegetables. She boils them and puts the warm veggies directly in a jar called Mason jars, which helps everything stay fresh. Than she adds a teaspoon of salt to to preserve the veggies and they last up to five years only strawberries and peaches are good fruits to canning.”)
Organization
The writer adequately organizes the content of the essay. There is a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is adequate use of paragraphing and transitional devices to give the essay the necessary flow to accomplish its purpose.
The essay demonstrates a good introduction that includes adequate background information about the topic. (“ Life isn't just about technology and cool cars, it's mostly about doing something you love and enjoy. In the story, "Grandpa's Garden," a boy named Jimmy visits his grandpa and grandma who live off the land. They harvest everything from cucumbers to peaches. It's truly amazing, that even at their age, they do not have to rely on any one else. As Jimmy visits, he helps his grandpa harvest.”)
The writer needs to employ t ransitional devices such as “first,” “second,” “even though,” and “finally” from the MY Access! Word Bank to connect the writer’s ideas. The essay fails to reveal adequate use of transitional devices. (“ They pick peaches that are a little pink, tomatoes of every color except green, prickly orka, cucumbers, potato, the hottest of peppers, leafy green beans, and fresh corn. Next, they have to pick a wide variety of fruits that are "in season." They include watermelon, honeydew, melon, and fresh strawberries Jimmy's grandma, is a pro at canning vegetables. She boils them and puts the warm veggies directly in a jar called Mason jars, which helps everything stay fresh. Than she adds a teaspoon of salt to to preserve the veggies and they last up to five years only strawberries and peaches are good fruits to canning.”)
The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. The writer also invites readers to discover the peace that comes from the experience of working with the land. (“ So even if your playing in the dirt or harvesting vegetables, you will always find peace in the garden. Once you read this, you will wish more people could visit the garden so everyone could share the peace, and have the experience of their lives.”)
Language Use & Style
The essay exhibits adequate language use, voice, and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The essay generally displays correct sentence structure with some variety.
The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. However, in some instances, the writer combines thoughts that should be separated into individual sentences. (“ This story was great because of the peace that was coming from the family like a sweet aroma it was like a living sweet tooth and I have learned a lot from it, but it kept going on a about fruit and I wish that it would give more detail. Still, like the garden, the story grew to my liking.”)
The writer uses adequate word choices to express ideas in each body paragraph. (“ They harvest everything from cucumbers to peaches. It's truly amazing, that even at their age, they do not have to rely on any one else.”)
The writer has adequate control of voice throughout the essay. (“This story was great because of the peace that was coming from the family like a sweet aroma it was like a living sweet tooth and I have learned a lot from it, but it kept going on a about fruit and I wish that it would give more detail. Still, like the garden, the story grew to my liking.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
There is adequate control of mechanics and conventions in the essay. Some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling may appear, but they do not interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. For example, sentences have subject and verb agreement, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, and sentences begin with capital letters. (“ They pick peaches that are a little pink, tomatoes of every color except green, prickly orka, cucumbers, potato, the hottest of peppers, leafy green beans, and fresh corn. ”)
Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.
Model Essay
Have you ever been so passionate about something that you would never give it up? In the story "Grandpa's Garden" Jimmy's Grandpa loves his garden. Jimmy's Grandpa loves his garden so much that his Grandpa said he would rather garden than do anything else. Jimmy loves the farm alot too! Just like his Grandpa. Also Jimmy's Grandma also loves the farm and she does her part too. Grandma puts the vegetables in Mason jars. Mason jars help the vegetables stay fresh. On the farm they have many fruits and vegetables like peaches, tomatoes, okra, cucumbers, potatoes, peppers, green beans, and corn.
First they start at the peaches. But before they start they put on gloves and grab a bucket. they only pick the pink peaches that are not too soft but not too hard. next they go to the tomatos, they pick the ripest redest tomatos they can. Then they go to the okra. They wear gloves for the okra because its prickly
Jimmy's favorite fruit is not edible. It is a gourd. A gourd is like a giant cucumber that hangs on the fence. Jimmy's grandpa makes mousquito houses out of them. This is a wonderful story and you should never give up something that you love.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The essay exhibits limited focus and meaning. The writer establishes a controlling idea, but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience. The essay does satisfy some parts of the task.
The writer states a limited central/controlling idea in the essay. However, the thesis does not adequately reflect the purpose of the writing task. (“ Have you ever been so passionate about something that you would never give it up? In the story "Grandpa's Garden" Jimmy's Grandpa loves his garden.”)
The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The writer speaks in very general terms and offers limited elaboration of ideas. (“Also Jimmy's Grandma also loves the farm and she does her part too. Grandma puts the vegetables in Mason jars. Mason jars help the vegetables stay fresh.”)
In the introduction, only a limited point of view is stated. Although the writer acknowledges that the main character, Jimmy, is working on his grandparents’ farm, the essay does not succeed in offering the many lessons Jimmy learns that could be expanded upon further along in the essay. (“First they start at the peaches. But before they start they put on gloves and grab a bucket. they only pick the pink peaches that are not too soft but not too hard. next they go to the tomatos, they pick the ripest redest tomatos they can. Then they go to the okra. They wear gloves for the okra because its prickly”)
Content & Development
There is limited content and development in this essay. The writer develops ideas very briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support ideas.
The explanations and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. The writer needs to elaborate specifically on the process of canning fruits and vegetable so the readers can understand the lessons Jimmy learns from his grandmother. ( “ Also Jimmy's Grandma also loves the farm and she does her part too. Grandma puts the vegetables in Mason jars. Mason jars help the vegetables stay fresh.”) The writer could also cite examples as to why grandpa makes mosquito houses. This would serve to assist readers in understanding how mosquitoes can be pests to a farmer and his crops.
The essay should include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate each main idea. The writer did not include relevant points that explain and illustrate, for example, exactly what grandpa does to make birdhouses from gourds and how doing so assists in the health and growth of his crops. (“ A gourd is like a giant cucumber that hangs on the fence. Jimmy's grandpa makes mousquito houses out of them.”) The readers are left to draw conclusions without clear, supporting evidence. The writer misses the opportunity to inform the readers and expand on briefly stated main ideas.
The essay’s details prove to be insufficient for the writing task’s purposes. The writer needs to provide well-chosen examples with rich details to give readers a greater sense of the things Jimmy learns while working on the farm. Expanding on the things Jimmy learns would satisfy the main component of the writing task. (“First they start at the peaches. But before they start they put on gloves and grab a bucket. they only pick the pink peaches that are not too soft but not too hard. next they go to the tomatos, they pick the ripest redest tomatos they can. Then they go to the okra. They wear gloves for the okra because its prickly”) This example illustrates the insufficient details provided in the essay.
Organization
The organization of the essay is limited. The writer demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, but lacks effective paragraphing and does not employ transitional devices to make the essay flow from one idea to another.
The introduction attempts to grab the readers by posing a question, but it does not include a sentence that explains what the essay is about. The writer states, “ Have you ever been so passionate about something that you would never give it up? In the story "Grandpa's Garden", Jimmy's Grandpa loves his garden. Jimmy's Grandpa loves his garden so much that his Grandpa said he would rather garden than do anything else. Jimmy loves the farm alot too!”, but this does little to reveal to readers what the essay will attempt to do. As reflected in the writing task, the essay should reveal the many things Jimmy learns as he works in the garden with his grandparents. The introduction is limited in revealing this purpose to readers.
The writer limits his/her use of transitions in the essay response. The writer should employ more transitional devices to improve the flow of ideas presented in the essay. (“Also Jimmy's Grandma also loves the farm and she does her part too. Grandma puts the vegetables in Mason jars. Mason jars help the vegetables stay fresh. On the farm they have many fruits and vegetables like peaches, tomatoes, okra, cucumbers, potatoes, peppers, green beans, and corn. First they start at the peaches.”) Using transitional devices such as “first,” “second,” “third,” “next,” “in addition,” “however,” “on the other hand,” and “as a result,” will help the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transitions between sentences will allow for more variety in sentences as well. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.
The conclusion does not attempt to summarize the lessons Jimmy learns working in the garden. Additionally, the limited nature of the conclusion leaves readers with nothing to think about, or no insight into lessons that can be learned from the character’s experience. (“ This is a wonderful story and you should never give up something that you love.”)
Language Use & Style
The essay provides a limited use of language, voice, and style. The writer demonstrates simple language, and there is some awareness of audience and control of voice, but the writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.
The essay uses the same group of words to begin many sentences in the essay. (“ In the story ‘Grandpa's Garden’ Jimmy's Grandpa loves his garden. Jimmy's Grandpa loves his garden so much that his Grandpa said he would rather garden than do anything else. Jimmy loves the farm alot too! Just like his Grandpa. Also Jimmy's Grandma also loves the farm and she does her part too.”) By using a variety of sentences, the writer could make the essay more interesting and unpredictable.
There is repetition in the ideas presented. The writer uses the idea of “ they do this and they do that” too often and misses the opportunity to choose more vivid words to express ideas. (“ First they start at the peaches. But before they start they put on gloves and grab a bucket. they only pick the pink peaches that are not too soft but not too hard. next they go to the tomatos, they pick the ripest redest tomatos they can. Then they go to the okra. They wear gloves for the okra because its prickly”) The writer could refer to the MY Access! Word Bank for more effective word choices.
Further exploration into the processes the grandparents use in the garden and why they use them (canning, harvesting times, etc.) to harvest a good crop, would have given the writer a greater voice in the essay. The limited elaboration makes statements such as, “ Grandma puts the vegetables in Mason jars. Mason jars help the vegetables stay fresh.” show promise, but fail to be effective in the overall message of the essay.
Mechanics & Conventions
The control of mechanics and conventions in the essay is limited. The lack of content in the essay does not adequately provide for a satisfactory evaluation of the writer’s control of mechanics and conventions.
As part of an effective writing process, the writer should always make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. (“they only pick the pink peaches that are not too soft but not too hard. next they go to the tomatos, they pick the ripest redest tomatos they can. Then they go to the okra. They wear gloves for the okra because its prickly”)
The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.
Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.
Model Essay
I visit grandpa and help with his garden. Grandpa works hard but he do it cause he loving it. I visiting grandpa this weeks end. Grandpa and grandma still lives of the land. They planted lot of cucumbers and peaches. They are tuly amazing. They dont need to rely on someone else for nothing for the food.
We walk every time when the sun is up. we grab a bucket and a some of gloves. We walk to peach tree. We pick the pink. Grandpa makes the ripe ones in the brown bag. Now it is the tomatoes. We do not pick the green ones and it can be inside the brown too. It's important to pick the right one on several season. The racoons eat the ones off the vines so we get them right away. The tomatoes grow on the ground.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in this essay. A controlling idea is minimally suggested, but the writer demonstrates little understanding of the purpose of the writing task and the intended audience. Therefore, the essay satisfies few components of the task.
The essay does little to state the central/controlling idea of the essay. The writer mentions that he helps out in the garden on his weekend visit, but the essay only minimally reveals some of the things Jimmy learns as he works in the garden with his grandfather. (“ We do not pick the green ones and it can be inside the brown too. It's important to pick the right one on several season. ”)
The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow readers to understand the writer’s ideas for lessons Jimmy learns from his grandfather. (“The racoons eat the ones off the vines so we get them right away. The tomatoes grow on the ground.”)
Additionally, the writer does not provide meaningful examples to support and explain the lessons learned working in the garden. (“We do not pick the green ones and it can be inside the brown too. It's important to pick the right one on several season. The racoons eat the ripe ones off the vines so we get them right away. The tomatoes grow on the ground.”)
Content & Development
There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support ideas.
Because the writer’s purpose is not clearly defined in the essay, there is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. (“ I visit grandpa and help with his garden. Grandpa works hard but he do it cause he loving it. I visiting grandpa this weeks end. Grandpa and grandma still lives of the land. ”)
The essay fails to expand on at least three main ideas as evidence. If the writer had expanded on three main details, each main idea could be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. Following these suggestions would make for a more clear and effective delivery of the writer’s message. For example, the writer could have the first body paragraph explain the story and the character’s situation. The second body paragraph can reveal the lessons Jimmy learns about gardening. The third body paragraph could be devoted to the personal connections and experiences of the writer, perhaps with a time he may have attempted gardening with someone in his/her family. This two-paragraph essay is too short to successfully address the writing task. (“ We walk every time when the sun is up. we grab a bucket and a some of gloves. We walk to peach tree. ”)
The writer needs important details (examples, facts, explanations, or brief narratives) to explain and illustrate each main idea. The essay mentions some things Jimmy learns about gardening minimally, but, if expanded upon, the writer could express his/her ideas more effectively. (“Grandpa and grandma still lives of the land. They planted lot of cucumbers and peaches. They are tuly amazing. They dont need to rely on someone else for nothing for the food.”)
Organization
The writer provides minimal organization in the essay. The essay reveals little evidence of effective structure with a weak introduction, an omitted conclusion, and minimal evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.
The essay demonstrates little evidence of a good introduction. The introduction fails to include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. The writer does not provide a thesis that reflects the prompt task. (“ I visiting grandpa this weeks end. Grandpa and grandma still lives of the land. ”)
Because the writer offers minimal content to illustrate supporting ideas, the use of transitions cannot serve to connect ideas that were never presented. If the writer had provided more specific supports and details, then the use of transitional devices would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. (“ We walk to peach tree. We pick the pink. Grandpa makes the ripe ones in the brown bag. Now it is the tomatoes. ”)
The essay does little to include a conclusion. There is no opportunity to summarize the writer’s points because only a minimal amount of the prompt task is addressed. (“ It's important to pick the right one on several season. The racoons eat the ripe ones off the vines so we get them right away. The tomatoes grow on the ground. ”)
Language Use & Style
The language use and style in the essay are minimal at best. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of the intended audience. The essay exhibits basic errors in sentence structure and usage.
The essay contains sentences that lack effective structure. For example, a few sentence fragments that lack noun-verb agreement are detected. (“ Grandpa and grandma still lives of the land. ”) Additionally, the writer employs short, choppy sentences that do not convey ideas effectively. (“ We walk to peach tree. We pick the pink. Grandpa makes the ripe ones in the brown bag. Now it is the tomatoes. ”)
The writer makes incorrect word choices to express particular ideas. (“ It's important to pick the right one on several season. ”)
The writer loses sight of the intended audience as the essay proceeds. The writer seems to begin the essay with a minimal purpose, but lists lessons learned in such a disjointed way, that connections between ideas cannot be made. (“We walk to peach tree. We pick the pink. Grandpa makes the ripe ones in the brown bag. Now it is the tomatoes. We do not pick the green ones and it can be inside the brown too. It's important to pick the right one on several season. The racoons eat the ripe ones off the vines so we get them right away. The tomatoes grow on the ground.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The writer exhibits minimal control of mechanics and conventions in the essay. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.
The essay contains some sentences that do not have noun-verb agreement, as well as other sentence structure issues. Additionally, there are some spelling errors and incorrect word choices. (“I visiting grandpa this weeks end. Grandpa and grandma still lives of the land. They planted lot of cucumbers and peaches. They are tuly amazing. They dont need to rely on someone else for nothing for food.”)
The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.
Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.
Model Essay
It's been awhile since I have seen him but I'm going to visit him today and his garden. He loves that garden although he doesn't spend much time with grandma he always tries. We get out at 7:00 is and he grabs a pail and starts we go to the green beans and pick some he doesn't put in a brown bag.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The focus and meaning of the essay are inadequate. The writer addresses the setting with the boy in the garden with his grandfather. However, the essay fails to establish a clear, controlling idea that would serve to inform the readers of what Jimmy learns about gardening in subsequent body paragraphs. The writer demonstrates no understanding of the purpose of the task or the intended audience. Therefore, the writer completes no parts of the task.
The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The readers are given a glimpse into Jimmy’s experience in the garden, but the writer does not convey to readers the things Jimmy learns from his grandfather as they work in the garden. (“We get out at 7:00 is and he grabs a pail and starts we go to the green beans and pick some he doesn't put in a brown bag.”)
The essay does not state the central/controlling idea of the essay. The essay only states that Jimmy is visiting his grandparents and working in the garden, but never provides a thesis that reflects the point of the writing task, which is to provide insights as to the things Jimmy learns about gardening during his stay with his grandparents. (“It's been awhile since I have seen him but I'm going to visit him today and his garden.”)
The introduction fails to exhibit the writer’s point of view or argument. In essence, it is an extremely brief summary of the story that fails to address any of the requirements of the writing task. (“It's been awhile since I have seen him but I'm going to visit him today and his garden. He loves that garden although he doesn't spend much time with grandma he always tries. We get out at 7:00 is and he grabs a pail and starts we go to the green beans and pick some he doesn't put in a brown bag.”)
Content & Development
In this one-paragraph essay, the writer makes no attempt to develop content to support ideas. The essay uses no details and fails to support and develop ideas.
Because the central/controlling idea of the essay is missing, there is no evidence provided to explain the main idea of the essay. The writer needs a thesis and at least three main ideas to be included as evidence. (“It's been awhile since I have seen him but I'm going to visit him today and his garden. He loves that garden although he doesn't spend much time with grandma he always tries.”)
Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) should have been used to explain and illustrate the evidence that would support the controlling idea. (“We get out at 7:00 is and he grabs a pail and starts we go to the green beans and pick some he doesn't put in a brown bag.”)
Since there are no body paragraphs, main ideas within those paragraphs cannot be identified or used as supports to a controlling thesis. The essay fails to deliver on all aspects of the task. (“It's been awhile since I have seen him but I'm going to visit him today and his garden. He loves that garden although he doesn't spend much time with grandma he always tries. We get out at 7:00 is and he grabs a pail and starts we go to the green beans and pick some he doesn't put in a brown bag.”)
Organization
Because the essay is only one paragraph in length, no formal organization is detected in the essay. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure and does not include a recognizable introduction or conclusion. Furthermore, the writer does not incorporate the use of paragraphing or transitional devices.
The introduction does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. Because the essay only reflects a brief story summary, the writer never addresses the prompt task of identifying the things Jimmy learns when he gardens with grandfather during his visit. (“ We get out at 7:00 is and he grabs a pail and starts we go to the green beans and pick some he doesn't put in a brown bag.”)
T ransitional devices cannot be used to help connect ideas because the writer does not have enough content to employ them. (“ He loves that garden although he doesn't spend much time with grandma he always tries. We get out at 7:00 is and he grabs a pail and starts we go to the green beans and pick some he doesn't put in a brown bag.”)
The essay does not include a conclusion. The writer provides a very sketchy introduction, and no other organization is evident. (“It's been awhile since I have seen him but I'm going to visit him today and his garden. He loves that garden although he doesn't spend much time with grandma he always tries. We get out at 7:00 is and he grabs a pail and starts we go to the green beans and pick some he doesn't put in a brown bag.”)
Language Use & Style
The writer exhibits inadequate language use and style in this very short, one-paragraph essay. The essay demonstrates simple language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and errors in sentence structure that interfere with the brief response to the writing task.
There are too few sentences to determine the voice or style of the writer. (“It's been awhile since I have seen him but I'm going to visit him today and his garden. He loves that garden although he doesn't spend much time with grandma he always tries. We get out at 7:00 is and he grabs a pail and starts we go to the green beans and pick some he doesn't put in a brown bag.”)
The writer exhibits no awareness of the intended audience. Readers anticipate a story that would reveal the many things Jimmy learns about gardening, and instead, get only a brief synopsis of the storyline. (“ It's been awhile since I have seen him but I'm going to visit him today and his garden. He loves that garden although he doesn't spend much time with grandma he always tries.”)
Transitions cannot be incorporated into the essay because it is too brief. (“ He loves that garden although he doesn't spend much time with grandma he always tries. We get out at 7:00 is and he grabs a pail and starts we go to the green beans and pick some he doesn't put in a brown bag.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
There is inadequate control of mechanics and conventions in the essay. The errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the very brief message offered by the writer.
The essay does not have enough content to adequately evaluate the mechanics and conventions of the essay. However, the errors in sentence structure detract from the brief message the writer attempts to convey. (“He loves that garden although he doesn't spend much time with grandma he always tries. We get out at 7:00 is and he grabs a pail and starts we go to the green beans and pick some he doesn't put in a brown bag.”)
The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.
In the story The Big Wave by Pearl S. Buck, Jiya experiences a terrible tragedy. Demonstrate your understanding of the story by writing an essay that answers the following question:
What steps must Jiya take to overcome his tragic situation?
Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.
Model Essay
Have you ever had an astonishing time when things just seem as terrible as they can get and you personally think your entire life is over? In the realistic fiction novel, The Big Wave, Pearl S. Buck expresses that "to live in the presence of death makes us brave and strong". This excellent story is heartbreaking and yet teaches us a few valuable lessons at the same time.
Jiya experiences a terrible tragedy right after his entire family has died due to a huge tidal wave. When he gets carried out of a drenched beach by his generous friend Kino, they carry him to Kino’s home. Before the devastating tidal wave hits the strong Earth, Jiya’s father tells him to climb up a colossal mountain to survive the risky tsunami. When Jiya realizes that he has lost his entire family in a tsunami, he feels like his tragic life is all over.
However, Jiya takes a few short and pleasing steps to overcome his tragic and a heartbreaking situation with the help of his very close and amicable friend, Kino. Kino was the only person left when Jiya’s compassionate family died rapidly by an immense and terrible tsunami.
Jiya’s first crucial step is to keep on crying noisily for a lengthy period of time. He should be very tired, because he climbed the mountain his dad told him to climb. He should also sleep comfortably for as many countless hours in the long lasting days as he needs to sleep. He is also not to talk. Jiya must eat lots of white rice which is warm, and lots of delicious and orange chicken which is like heaven because it is warm. Kino, Jiya’s best friend, generously gives the rice and chicken to him.
Also, he must know very quickly that his best friend Kino and Kino’s family are now a part of his new family. Jiya must always remember there will be good times when he will be happy and bad times when he will be sad. For an example, Jiya lost his entire family due to an enormous tsunami. He must open up his eyes and be thankful for what he has for himself. Jiya should never give up no matter how bad the situation is. Jiya must learn rapidly to keep living his tragic life as happy as he did when his understanding family was alive even though he was very sad most of the time. He must also take care of himself, because he has been unconcious for a long lasting time in the days that followed the tsunami. Jiya must always carry the wonderful thoughts from his peaceful family for as long as he lives. Most importantly, he should live a happy life and carry many wonderful thoughts from his new, kind and gracious family he now has today, into his life as a grownup.
"To live in the midst of danger is to know how great life is" in the end. In this tremendous story, Jiya’s family was very special to him and he loved them very dearly. The horrible tidal wave killed his family as fast as a wink and forced Jiya to look at his life in a new way. He had to take steps to overcome this horrible event in his life. I too, had my favorite grandpa die just like in The Big Wave. It was a very terrible time. Even though I was very sad on that meaningful day, I went on to live a happy and memorable childhood. After all, this is what our loved ones would want us to do.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The writer very effectively provides strong focus and meaning in this essay. The essay establishes and maintains an insightful, controlling idea. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. The writer successfully completes all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.
The essay grabs the readers’ attention by very effectively using an interesting, engaging statement or a question at the beginning of the introduction. The writer poses a question that we all ponder when something terrible happens in our lives. (“ Have you ever had an astonishing time when things just seem as terrible as they can get and you personally think your entire life is over?”) By using this question, readers are poised to focus on a life-altering event and experience the greater meaning of the character’s experience.
The essay’s introduction and first paragraph are very effectively focused on the controlling idea with information about the character’s background (in terms of the situation he found himself in), and how lessons can be learned in the face of tragedy. (“ In the realistic fiction novel, The Big Wave, Pearl S. Buck expresses that "to live in the presence of death makes us brave and strong". This excellent story is heartbreaking and yet teaches us a few valuable lessons at the same time. Jiya experiences a terrible tragedy right after his entire family has died due to a huge tidal wave. When he gets carried out of a drenched beach by his generous friend Kino, they carry him to Kino’s home. Before the devastating tidal wave hits the strong Earth, Jiya’s father tells him to climb up a colossal mountain to survive the risky tsunami. When Jiya realizes that he has lost his entire family in a tsunami, he feels like his tragic life is all over.”)
The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. For example, in the brief excerpt of what initially happens in the small village, the writer puts the readers in the scene and the character’s anguish can be easily imagined. (“ When Jiya realizes that he has lost his entire family in a tsunami, he feels like his tragic life is all over.”)
Content & Development
The writer provides very effective content and development in the essay. The key ideas are developed fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details to support the writer’s thoughts on the steps Jiya needs to take to move on with his life.
The writer very effectively provides relevant points to explain and illustrate the steps Jiya needs to take to overcome his tragic situation. The essay has two body paragraphs devoted to the steps that the writer views as “crucial” to the main character’s recovery. (“Jiya’s first crucial step is to keep on crying noisily for a lengthy period of time. He should be very tired, because he climbed the mountain his dad told him to climb. He should also sleep comfortably for as many countless hours in the long lasting days as he needs to sleep. He is also not to talk…”)
The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain the paragraph’s main idea. For example, the writer is specific in some of the steps Jiya must take to overcome his tremendous loss. (“He must open up his eyes and be thankful for what he has for himself. Jiya should never give up no matter how bad the situation is. Jiya must learn rapidly to keep living his tragic life as happy as he did when his understanding family was alive even though he was very sad most of the time. He must also take care of himself, because he has been unconcious for a long lasting time in the days that followed the tsunami. Jiya must always carry the wonderful thoughts from his peaceful family for as long as he lives.”)
The writer includes specific examples, and he/she provides a brief narrative showing a connection between Jiya’s experience with loss to his/her own experience. By sharing his/her story, the writer provides greater insight into his/her shared experience of what the main character has lost. (“I too, had my favorite grandpa die just like in The Big Wave. It was a very terrible time. Even though I was very sad on that meaningful day, I went on to live a happy and memorable childhood.”)
Organization
This essay exhibits very effective organization. The writer demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. There is also effective use of paragraphs and transitional devices.
The first sentence of the introduction includes a very effective question that engages readers at the very start of the essay. (“ Have you ever had an astonishing time when things just seem as terrible as they can get and you personally think your entire life is over? In the realistic fiction novel, The Big Wave, Pearl S. Buck expresses that "to live in the presence of death makes us brave and strong". This excellent story is heartbreaking and yet teaches us a few valuable lessons at the same time.”)
Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively to provide a smooth flow of ideas. (“ Also, he must know very quickly that his best friend Kino and Kino’s family are now a part of his new family. Jiya must always remember there will be good times when he will be happy and bad times when he will be sad. For an example, Jiya lost his entire family due to an enormous tsunami. He must open up his eyes and be thankful for what he has for himself.”)
The conclusion very effectively teaches the readers a lesson the writer learned from completing the essay. The writer poses that overcoming loss is crucial because in the end, he/she believes that this is what our lost loved ones would want from us. (“ The horrible tidal wave killed his family as fast as a wink and forced Jiya to look at his life in a new way. He had to take steps to overcome this horrible event in his life. I too, had my favorite grandpa die just like in The Big Wave. It was a very terrible time. Even though I was very sad on that meaningful day, I went on to live a happy and memorable childhood. After all, this is what our loved ones would want us to do.”)
Language Use & Style
The writer employs very effective language use and style. The essay reflects precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the overall effectiveness of the essay.
The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The word choices reveal an almost urgent tone from the writer—that the main character must follow certain steps in order to move on with his life. (“ Jiya’s first crucial step is to keep on crying noisily for a lengthy period of time. He should be very tired, because he climbed the mountain his dad told him to climb. He should also sleep comfortably for as many countless hours in the long lasting days as he needs to sleep. He is also not to talk. Jiya must eat lots of white rice which is warm, and lots of delicious and orange chicken which is like heaven because it is warm. Kino, Jiya’s best friend, generously gives the rice and chicken to him.”)
The use of varied and well-structured sentences is very effective in conveying the writer’s message. (“ In this tremendous story, Jiya’s family was very special to him and he loved them very dearly. The horrible tidal wave killed his family as fast as a wink and forced Jiya to look at his life in a new way. He had to take steps to overcome this horrible event in his life. I too, had my favorite grandpa die just like in The Big Wave. It was a very terrible time. Even though I was very sad on that meaningful day, I went on to live a happy and memorable childhood.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
There is very effective control of conventions and mechanics in the essay. The essay has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and each sentence starts with a capital letter. (“ Jiya experiences a terrible tragedy right after his entire family has died due to a huge tidal wave. When he gets carried out of a drenched beach by his generous friend Kino, they carry him to Kino’s home.”)
Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.
Model Essay
Have you ever experienced something as tragic as a tidal wave? The Big Wave written by Pearl S.Buck explains how a tidal wave causes an event that changes a boy’s life forever. There once was a small fishing villiage, in which Jiya and his family lived. When a volcano in the distance erupts, it causes a tidal wave. Jiya’s dad makes him climb to a nearby mountain for safety. He climbs to the farm of his friend Kino’s family. From the mountain, Jiya watches as the wave demolishes his town. The wave takes his whole family with it. This event leaves Jiya all alone in the world and in need of a plan to get through this horrible tragedy.
Jiya collapses to the ground after seeing what happens to his family. His best friend Kino carries him all the way back to his house. Because Jiya had lost his family he will need to take steps to overcome this tragedy. Kino’s family takes Jiya as one of their children because Jiya just lost his family. Jiya must sleep a lot. Every time he wakes up he just needs to eat and then go back to sleep. He is very tired all the time and all he does is sleep. He should get as much rest as his body needs.
Jiya will have to accept his parents’ death as a part of his life. It will take a very long time for Jiya to move on without his family. Because he lost his family, life will be hard for Jiya. Since Kino’s family accepted Jiya as one of their children, it will be really weird for Jiya to live with this family. He will never live in his own home where he grew up. He will never see his mother or father again. He must look at Kino’s family now as his own. Kino’s family will take care of Jiya when he is in need. Kino’s mom rubs Jiya’s feet and makes him food.
Jiya is living a hard life because he just lost his family, and he will need to take it easy for a little bit .He will need to rest. Hopefully when Jiya feels better he can find something to keep his mind off things. Everybody dies eventually, we live with it. But when we are living we have to learn how to love life. Jiya will get better eventually, all he has to do is follow these steps slowly, and in time, he will be loving life again.
Even though the family Jiya lives with isn’t his real family, he will still work with them and love life with them. His family is watching down on Jiya, they are in heaven. It is the best place outside of earth. Jiya’s parents aren’t gone forever, when Jiya dies he will see them again. But Jiya will enjoy life while he is alive.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The writer provides good focus and meaning in the essay. The essay delivers a clear controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose of the task. The writer establishes an awareness of the intended audience and completes most parts of the task.
The essay grabs the readers’ attention by using an interesting, engaging statement or a question in the beginning of the introduction. In this case, the writer chooses to pose a question to get readers thinking right from the start. (“ Have you ever experienced something as tragic as a tidal wave? The Big Wave written by Pearl S.Buck explains how a tidal wave causes an event that changes a boy’s life forever.”)
All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. The writer remains focused on the primary task of revealing what specific steps Jiya must take to overcome his tragedy. The supporting details all relate to the things Jiya must do in order to move on with his life. (“ Because Jiya had lost his family he will have to take steps to overcome this tragedy. Kino’s family takes Jiya as one of their children because Jiya just lost his family. Jiya must sleep a lot…”)
The language of the thesis fits the effective examples very well. The writer employs exact word choices such as must , should, and needs to in order to illustrate how critical it is that Jiya follow specific steps if he is to move on to a happier life without his family. The writer gives readers the sense that he/she could be speaking directly to Jiya, instructing him on how to get through this horrible tragedy. (“ Jiya must sleep a lot. Every time he wakes up he just needs to eat and then go back to sleep. He is very tired all the time and all he does is sleep. He should get as much rest as his body needs.”)
Content & Development
The essay exhibits good content and development. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient appropriate details to support the central, controlling theme of the essay.
The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain the paragraph’s main idea. The writer explores the physical and emotional needs of the boy and what he must do to take care of himself. The writer emphasizes this by stating that Jiya will need to let his “new” family take care of both his physical and emotional needs. (“Since Kino’s family accepted Jiya as one of their children, it will be really weird for Jiya to live with this family. He will never live in his own home where he grew up. He will never see his mother or father again. He must look at Kino’s family now as his own. Kino’s family will take care of Jiya when he is in need. Kino’s mom rubs Jiya’s feet and makes him food.”)
The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. The writer maintains a balance in the essay by providing details that always lead back to the main objective of the task, which is to reveal steps that the young boy must follow in order to overcome his adversity. (“Jiya will get better eventually, all he has to do is follow these steps slowly, and in time, he will be loving life again. Even though the family Jiya lives with isn’t his real family, he will still work with them and love life with them.”)
Specific information about the steps Jiya needs to take to overcome his tragic situation are developed clearly. For example, the writer spends a great deal of the essay instructing Jiya on the things he needs to do to overcome the loss of his family. (“Jiya will have to accept his parents’ death as a part of his life. It will take a very long time for Jiya to move on without his family. Because he lost his family, life will be hard for Jiya. Since Kino’s family accepted Jiya as one of their children, it will be really weird for Jiya to live with this family. He will never live in his own home where he grew up. He will never see his mother or father again. He must look at Kino’s family now as his own. Kino’s family will take care of Jiya when he is in need. Kino’s mom rubs Jiya’s feet and makes him food.”)
Organization
The writer provides good organization in the essay. The essay exhibits a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. The consistent use of paragraphing and transitions makes the essay unified and cohesive.
The writer uses subtle transitions within the essay. Although these subtle transitions do work in maintaining the flow of the essay, using the “quarter” and “dollar” to “five” and “fifty” -dollar transitions from the MY Access! Word Bank is highly recommended to effectively connect the writer’s ideas. (“ Because he lost his family, life will be hard for Jiya. Since Kino’s family accepted Jiya as one of their children, it will be really weird for Jiya to live with this family.”)
The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion. The writer leaves readers with a sense that the young boy will move on with his life and have his family look over him from heaven. The writer offers hope to Jiya that he will see his family again! (“ Even though the family Jiya lives with isn’t his real family, he will still work with them and love life with them. His family is watching down on Jiya, they are in heaven. It is the best place outside of earth. Jiya’s parents aren’t gone forever, when Jiya dies he will see them again. But Jiya will enjoy life while he is alive.”)
Language Use & Style
The use of language and style in the essay is good. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured sentences is evident, but the writer could have used a bit more variety in how sentences were started. Not every sentence needs to start with the character’s name.
The language and tone in the essay are consistent. The writer’s voice comes through within the essay. Specific word choices exhibit a desire on the writer’s part to guide the character through the necessary steps to recovery. (“ Jiya must sleep a lot. Every time he wakes up he just needs to eat and then go back to sleep. He is very tired all the time and all he does is sleep. He should get as much rest as his body needs.”)
The writer has a clear sense of the intended audience. As the writer goes through the steps Jiya must take to overcome this horrible event, the readers can be compelled to agree or mentally offer additional suggestions of their own. Because loss is a universal experience for everyone, the audience can relate to the character and imagine what they would do if they were in Jiya’s shoes. (“ Everybody dies eventually, we live with it. But when we are living we have to learn how to love life. Jiya will get better eventually, all he has to do is follow these steps slowly, and in time, he will be loving life again.”)
The writer’s ability to construct effective sentences is good. The language use and style are appropriate, but caution should be taken to begin sentences in a variety of ways to keep the essay rich and less predictable. (“When a volcano in the distance erupts, it causes a tidal wave. Jiya’s dad makes him climb to a nearby mountain for safety. He climbs to the farm of his friend Kino’s family. From the mountain, Jiya watches as the wave demolishes his town. The wave takes his whole family with it. This event leaves Jiya all alone in the world and in need of a plan to get through this horrible tragedy.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The writer exhibits good control of conventions and mechanics. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not interfere with the writer’s message. For example, most sentences have a subject and a verb, most sentences end with a punctuation mark, and most sentences start with a capital letter. (“ Kino’s family takes Jiya as one of their children because Jiya just lost his family. Jiya must sleep a lot. Every time he wakes up he just needs to eat and then go back to sleep. He is very tired all the time and all he does is sleep.”)
Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.
Model Essay
Imagine a huge tidal wave headed straight for you and your family! What would you do? In the realistic fiction story, The Big Wave by Pearl S. Buck, a nearby volcano erupts and a huge tidal wave starts. A little boy named Jiya and his family lived very close to the volcano. Unfortunately, Jiya’s family died. Jiya had climbed to his friend Kino’s farm like his father instructed him to do. Because of this, he was not killed. But he saw his family die and he fell to the ground. His friend Kino carries him to safety. Eventually, Jiya would have to live in the house of his best friend, Kino. Jiya will have to start a new life with Kino’s family. There are steps he will need to take to overcome the horrible death of his family.
First, Jiya must get lots of rest. Jiya can do this by not running around, not rushing around, and he should not go to too many places outside. Seeing the ocean and the volcano might make him think of his family that has passed away. Secondly, he should also have his own personal space to rest. Jiya can get lots of sleep if he isn’t bothered by anyone in his new family. Jiya can do this by going to bed early and get at least 9 hours of sleep. Jiya can also do this by waking up a little later then normal. Finally, he should get plenty of food to give his body nourishment. Kino’s family feeds him hot things like soup and rice to keep him warm.
What lessons can be learned from this story? A lesson I learned is be happy for what you have. Jiya should be happy that he didn’t die in the tragic situation. Even though he must miss his real family terribly, Jiya should be happy that he can live with a new family, the family of his best friend. He can also be happy that he lived even though he was unconscious for many, many days.
The theme of this story is to persevere. Jiya persevered when he had to live with Kino’s family. He also persevered when he had to start a new life without his other family who passed away in the tragic tidal wave. The author’s message in the story is love what you have. Jiya must now love his new family and Kino’s family must love him too.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The writer’s focus and meaning in the essay are adequate. The essay provides a controlling idea and demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience. The writer addresses many parts of the task.
The thesis statement expresses the main idea of the essay and the point of view of the writer adequately. (“Jiya will have to start a new life with Kino’s family. There are steps he will need to take to overcome the horrible death of his family.”)
The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question that guides the readers to consider the “What would you do?” scenario. This allows the writer to proceed smoothly into an adequately stated thesis statement. (“ Imagine a huge tidal wave headed straight for you and your family! What would you do…There are steps he will need to take to overcome the horrible death of his family.”)
The essay understands the intended audience adequately. The writer informs the audience adequately about the conflict in the story, the specific steps the main character needs to take to deal with his grief, and provides views on lessons that can be learned and the themes found in the story. (“What lessons can be learned from this story? A lesson I learned is be happy for what you have. .. The theme of this story is to persevere. Jiya persevered when he had to live with Kino’s family. He also persevered when he had to start a new life without his other family who passed away in the tragic tidal wave.”)
Content & Development
The writer provides adequate content and development in the essay. The ideas are adequately developed, using sufficient details to support the writer’s ideas.
The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“First, Jiya must get lots of rest. Jiya can do this by not running around, not rushing around, and he should not go to too many places outside. Seeing the ocean and the volcano might make him think of his family that has passed away. Secondly, he should also have his own personal space to rest. Jiya can get lots of sleep if he isn’t bothered by anyone in his new family. Jiya can do this by going to bed early and get at least 9 hours of sleep. Jiya can also do this by waking up a little later then normal.”)
The main ideas of each body paragraph support the writer’s thesis. The writer includes steps to overcome grief, but also expresses thoughts about lessons that can be learned when tragedy strikes and the value of perseverance in very difficult situations. (“Finally, he should get plenty of food to give his body nourishment. Kino’s family feeds him hot things like soup and rice to keep him warm…What lessons can be learned from this story? A lesson I learned is be happy for what you have…Jiya persevered when he had to live with Kino’s family. He also persevered when he had to start a new life without his other family who passed away in the tragic tidal wave.”)
The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. However, the writer should provide at least three details about each main idea in a body paragraph. In the essay, the writer succeeds in meeting that goal in only one paragraph. (“First, Jiya must get lots of rest. Jiya can do this by not running around, not rushing around, and he should not go to too many places outside. Seeing the ocean and the volcano might make him think of his family that has passed away. Secondly, he should also have his own personal space to rest. Jiya can get lots of sleep if he isn’t bothered by anyone in his new family. Jiya can do this by going to bed early and get at least 9 hours of sleep. Jiya can also do this by waking up a little later then normal. Finally, he should get plenty of food to give his body nourishment. Kino’s family feeds him hot things like soup and rice to keep him warm.”)
Organization
The writer adequately organizes the content of the essay. There is a generally unified structure demonstrated, with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is adequate use of paragraphing and transitional devices to give the essay the necessary flow to accomplish its purpose.
The essay demonstrates a good introduction that includes adequate background information about the topic. (“ Imagine a huge tidal wave headed straight for you and your family! What would you do? In the realistic fiction story, The Big Wave by Pearl S. Buck, a nearby volcano erupts and a huge tidal wave starts. A little boy named Jiya and his family lived very close to the volcano. Unfortunately, Jiya’s family died. Jiya had climbed to his friend Kino’s farm like his father instructed him to do. Because of this, he was not killed. But he saw his family die and he fell to the ground. His friend Kino carries him to safety. Eventually, Jiya would have to live in the house of his best friend, Kino. Jiya will have to start a new life with Kino’s family. There are steps he will need to take to overcome the horrible death of his family.”)
T ransitional devices such as first , second , even though , and finally from the MY Access! Word Bank adequately connects the writer’s ideas. Additionally, these transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. (“ First, Jiya must get lots of rest. Jiya can do this by not running around, not rushing around, and he should not go to too many places outside. Seeing the ocean and the volcano might make him think of his family that has passed away. Secondly, he should also have his own personal space to rest. Jiya can get lots of sleep if he isn’t bothered by anyone in his new family. Jiya can do this by going to bed early and get at least 9 hours of sleep. Jiya can also do this by waking up a little later then normal. Finally, he should get plenty of food to give his body nourishment. Kino’s family feeds him hot things like soup and rice to keep him warm.”)
The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. The writer adequately generalizes what the character and his new family need to do together to help Jiya overcome his tragedy. The writer concludes that perseverance is what will ultimately pull him through. (“ The theme of this story is to persevere. Jiya persevered when he had to live with Kino’s family. He also persevered when he had to start a new life without his other family who passed away in the tragic tidal wave. The author’s message in the story is love what you have. Jiya must now love his new family and Kino’s family must love him too.”)
Language Use & Style
The essay exhibits adequate language use, voice, and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The essay generally displays correct sentence structure with some variety.
The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ What lessons can be learned from this story? A lesson I learned is be happy for what you have. Jiya should be happy that he didn’t die in the tragic situation. Even though he must miss his real family terribly, Jiya should be happy that he can live with a new family, the family of his best friend. He can also be happy that he lived even though he was unconscious for many, many days.”)
The writer uses adequate word choices to express ideas in each body paragraph. For example, in the last paragraph, the writer expresses his view of the theme of the story. (“ The theme of this story is to persevere. Jiya persevered when he had to live with Kino’s family. He also persevered when he had to start a new life without his other family who passed away in the tragic tidal wave. The author’s message in the story is love what you have.”)
The writer has adequate control of voice throughout the essay. (“What lessons can be learned from this story? A lesson I learned is be happy for what you have. Jiya should be happy that he didn’t die in the tragic situation. Even though he must miss his real family terribly, Jiya should be happy that he can live with a new family, the family of his best friend.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
There is adequate control of conventions and mechanics in the essay. Some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation or spelling may appear, but they do not interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. For example, sentences have subject and verb agreement, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, and sentences start with capital letters. (“ Imagine a huge tidal wave headed straight for you and your family! What would you do? In the realistic fiction story, The Big Wave by Pearl S. Buck, a nearby volcano erupts and a huge tidal wave starts. A little boy named Jiya and his family lived very close to the volcano. Unfortunately, Jiya’s family died.”)
Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.
Model Essay
Jiya must overcome what has happened to his family friends and niebor’s. What happened is bad but it can get better. He will have a new father, mother, brother and little brother. He just has to believe that things will get better.
The steps he must take will be to forgive what has happened and then he must think is it better that I am still alive and now I a new family. He must be happy the gift that god has givin. He has given Jiya another chance mother, father, brother and little brother. He can do the steps. I think that Jiya doesn’t want a new family because he doesn’t want to lose them in a storm too. He will soon be hungry and come to eat then feel a little bit better after from the warmth.
Jiya will understand that his family and friends will not come back. He will find what he must do to feel better. He must think of his parents going away as a good thing. They are in a better place now. The family of Jiya is very nice Jiya should think of how lucky he is to have a home after his was destroyed.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The essay exhibits limited focus and meaning. The writer establishes a controlling idea, but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience. The essay does satisfy some parts of the task.
The writer states a limited central/controlling idea in the essay. (“ Jiya must overcome what has happened to his family friends and niebor’s… The steps he must take will be to forgive what has happened and then he must think is it better that I am still alive…”)
The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The writer speaks in very general terms and offers limited elaboration of ideas. (“Jiya must overcome what has happened to his family friends and niebor’s. What happened is bad but it can get better. He will have a new father, mother, brother and little brother. He just has to believe that things will get better.”)
In the introduction, only a limited point of view or argument of the essay is stated. Although the writer acknowledges that the main character “must overcome what has happened to his family,” the essay does not succeed in offering specific steps that will be expanded upon further along in the essay. (“ The steps he must take will be to forgive what has happened and then he must think is it better that I am still alive and now I a new family.”)
Content & Development
There is limited content and development in this essay. The writer develops ideas very briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support ideas.
The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“ Jiya will understand that his family and friends will not come back. He will find what he must do to feel better. He must think of his parents going away as a good thing. They are in a better place now. The family of Jiya is very nice”) The writer needs to elaborate specifically on the steps Jiya needs to take to overcome his misfortune. The writer could also cite examples of how Jiya’s family is being “nice.” This would serve to assist readers in imagining how the main character is being treated by his “new” family.
The essay should include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate each main idea.
The writer did not include relevant points that explain and illustrate, for example, exactly what happened to Jiya’s family. (“ What happened is bad but it can get better.”) The readers are left to wonder, “What happened?” and “Why is this boy suddenly all alone in the world?” The writer misses the opportunity to inform the readers and expand on briefly stated main ideas.
The essay’s details prove to be insufficient for the writing task’s purposes. The writer needs to provide well-chosen examples with rich details to give readers a greater sense of the character’s plight. Additionally, expanding on the necessary steps needed for the main character to heal should be included to satisfy the main component of the writing task. (“He will have a new father, mother, brother and little brother. He just has to believe that things will get better.”) This example illustrates the insufficient details provided in the essay.
Organization
The organization of the essay is limited. The writer demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, but lacks effective paragraphing and does not employ transitional devices to make the essay flow from one idea to another.
The introduction attempts to include a sentence that explains what the essay is about. The writer states, (“ Jiya must overcome what has happened to his family friends and niebor’s.”), but this does little to reveal to readers what the essay will attempt to do. As reflected in the writing task, the essay should outline steps to help Jiya overcome his tragedy. The introduction is limited in revealing this purpose to readers.
The writer does not employ any transitional devices to improve the flow of ideas presented in the essay. (“The steps he must take will be to forgive what has happened and then he must think is it better that I am still alive and now I a new family. He must be happy the gift that god has givin. He has given Jiya another chance mother, father, brother and little brother. He can do the steps.”)
Using transitional devices such as first , second , third , next , in addition , however , on the other hand , and as a result would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transitions between sentences would allow for more variety in sentences as well.
Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.
The conclusion attempts to summarize some of the points presented in the essay. However, the limited nature of the conclusion leaves readers with nothing to think about, or insights into lessons that can be learned from the character’s ordeal. (“ Jiya will understand that his family and friends will not come back. He will find what he must do to feel better. He must think of his parents going away as a good thing. They are in a better place now. The family of Jiya is very nice Jiya should think of how lucky he is to have a home after his was destroyed.”)
Language Use & Style
The essay provides a limited use of language, voice, and style. The writer demonstrates simple language and word choices. There is some awareness of audience and control of voice, but the writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.
The essay uses the same group of words to begin the many sentences in the essay. (“ He must be happy the gift that god has givin. He has given Jiya another chance mother, father, brother and little brother. He can do the steps.”) By using a variety of sentences, the writer could make the essay more interesting and unpredictable.
There is repetition in the ideas presented. The writer uses the idea of “getting better” too often and misses the opportunity to choose more vivid words to express ideas. (“ What happened is bad but it can get better. He will have a new father, mother, brother and little brother. He just has to believe that things will get better.”) The writer could refer to the MY Access! Word Bank for more effective word choices.
Further exploration into the writer’s insights concerning Jiya’s ordeal would have given the writer a greater voice in the essay. The limited elaboration makes statements such as (“ I think that Jiya doesn’t want a new family because he doesn’t want to lose them in a storm too.”) show promise, but fails to be effective in the overall message of the essay.
Mechanics & Conventions
The control of conventions and mechanics in the essay is limited. The lack of content in the essay does not adequately provide for a satisfactory evaluation of the writer’s control of conventions and mechanics.
As part of an effective writing process, the writer should always make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, and start each sentence with a capital letter. (“ The steps he must take will be to forgive what has happened and then he must think is it better that I am still alive and now I a new family. He must be happy the gift that god has givin. He has given Jiya another chance mother, father, brother and little brother. He can do the steps.”)
The writer should go to MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.
Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.
Model Essay
Have you ever experienced loosing a family member? In the story ''The Big Wave'' Pearl S. Buck explains how Jiya can overcome his terrible tragic. Jiya should first know that he can still be happy again without his family and with somebody else. Have fun and still know about it but keep it way back in your memories. I myself have gone through this situation before and I still know about that time and I put it way back in my memories.
As Jiya is, take many naps and rest. Make hot soup every day and warm drinks, stay in bead. The next morning you will think it happened a year ago
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in this essay. A controlling idea is minimally suggested, but the writer demonstrates little understanding of the purpose of the writing task and the intended audience. Therefore, the essay satisfies few components of the task.
The essay does little to state the central/controlling idea of the essay. The writer mentions that Pearl S. Buck explains how Jiya overcomes tragedy in the story, The Big Wave , but the essay only minimally reveals the specific steps the writer feels are crucial to the main character’s recovery. (“In the story ''The Big Wave'' Pearl S. Buck explains how Jiya can overcome his terrible tragic. Jiya should first know that he can still be happy again without his family and with somebody else. Have fun and still know about it but keep it way back in your memories.”)
The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow readers to understand the writer’s ideas for Jiya’s recovery. (“As Jiya is, take many naps and rest. Make hot soup every day and warm drinks, stay in bead. The next morning you will think it happened a year ago”)
Additionally, the writing style is not appropriate for the audience. The writer initiates the essay with an informative tone in the third person, and then switches to a first-person instructional tone addressing the main character. Not only does the writer lose focus of the intended audience, he/she loses focus of the primary objective of the writing task. (“In the story ''The Big Wave'' Pearl S. Buck explains how Jiya can overcome his terrible tragic. Jiya should first know that he can still be happy again without his family and with somebody else. Have fun and still know about it but keep it way back in your memories. I myself have gone through this situation before and I still know about that time and I put it way back in my memories. As Jiya is, take many naps and rest. Make hot soup every day and warm drinks, stay in bead. The next morning you will think it happened a year ago”)
Content & Development
There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support ideas.
Because the writer’s purpose is not clearly defined in the essay, there is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. (“In the story ''The Big Wave'' Pearl S. Buck explains how Jiya can overcome his terrible tragic…take many naps and rest. Make hot soup every day and warm drinks, stay in bead. The next morning you will think it happened a year ago”)
This two-paragraph essay is too short to successfully address the writing task. The essay fails to expand on at least three main ideas as evidence. If the writer had expanded on three main details, each main idea could be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. Following these suggestions would make for a more clear and effective delivery of the writer’s message. For example, the writer could have the first body paragraph explain the story and the character’s situation. The second body paragraph can reveal the specific steps Jiya should take to overcome his tragedy. The third body paragraph could be devoted to the personal connections and experiences of the writer. (“Have you ever experienced loosing a family member? In the story ''The Big Wave'' Pearl S. Buck explains how Jiya can overcome his terrible tragic. Jiya should first know that he can still be happy again without his family and with somebody else. Have fun and still know about it but keep it way back in your memories. I myself have gone through this situation before and I still know about that time and I put it way back in my memories.”)
The writer needs important details to explain and illustrate each main idea. (Details may include examples, facts, brief narratives or explanations.) The essay mentions steps Jiya could take to overcome his tragedy minimally, and if expanded upon, the writer could express his/her ideas more effectively. (“As Jiya is, take many naps and rest. Make hot soup every day and warm drinks, stay in bead.”)
Organization
The writer provides minimal organization in the essay. The essay reveals little evidence of effective structure with a poor introduction, an omitted conclusion, and minimal evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.
The essay demonstrates little evidence of a good introduction. Although the essay does attempt to grab the readers’ attention with a question, the introduction includes little background information about how Jiya lost his family. It also fails to include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. The writer does not provide a thesis that reflects the prompt task. (“ Have you ever experienced loosing a family member? In the story ''The Big Wave'' Pearl S. Buck explains how Jiya can overcome his terrible tragic. Jiya should first know that he can still be happy again without his family and with somebody else. Have fun and still know about it but keep it way back in your memories.”)
Because the writer offers minimal content to illustrate supporting ideas, the use of transitions cannot serve to connect ideas that were never presented. If the writer had provided more specific supports and details, then the use of transitional devices would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. (“ Jiya should first know that he can still be happy again without his family and with somebody else. Have fun and still know about it but keep it way back in your memories. I myself have gone through this situation before and I still know about that time and I put it way back in my memories.”)
The essay does little to include a conclusion. The writer offers some brief suggestions and shares that within a day, the character will feel like the event happened a long time ago. There is no opportunity to summarize the writer’s points because only a minimal amount of the prompt task is addressed. (“ Make hot soup every day and warm drinks, stay in bead. The next morning you will think it happened a year ago”)
Language Use & Style
The language use and style in the essay are minimal at best. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of the intended audience. The essay exhibits basic errors in sentence structure and usage.
The essay contains sentences that lack structure. For example, a few sentence fragments that lack noun-verb agreement are detected. (“ Have fun and still know about it but keep it way back in your memories.”) (“Make hot soup every day and warm drinks, stay in bead. “)
Some of the writer’s thoughts in a sentence should be divided into two sentences. (“ I myself have gone through this situation before and I still know about that time and I put it way back in my memories.”)
The writer makes incorrect word choices to express particular ideas. (“ Have you ever experienced loosing a family member? In the story ''The Big Wave'' Pearl S. Buck explains how Jiya can overcome his terrible tragic.”)
The writer loses sight of the intended audience as the essay proceeds. The writer seems to begin the essay with an awareness of audience, but in the second paragraph, addresses the main character with brief instructions on steps to take to overcome tragedy. Keeping the essay in the third person would make the purpose and audience clearer. (“As Jiya is, take many naps and rest. Make hot soup every day and warm drinks, stay in bead. The next morning you will think it happened a year ago”)
The sentences in the second paragraph are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose of the task to the intended audience. (“ As Jiya is, take many naps and rest. Make hot soup every day and warm drinks, stay in bead. The next morning you will think it happened a year ago”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The writer exhibits minimal control of conventions and mechanics in the essay. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.
The essay does not make sure each sentence ends with a punctuation mark (“The next morning you will think it happened a year ago “), and some sentences do not have noun-verb agreement. (“Make hot soup every day and warm drinks, stay in bead”) Additionally, there are some spelling errors and incorrect word usage. (“Have you ever experienced loosing a family member? In the story ''The Big Wave'' Pearl S. Buck explains how Jiya can overcome his terrible tragic .”)
The writer should go to MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.
Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.
Model Essay
The story "The Big Wave” by Pearl s. Buck tells about a tragette that happends to a little boy named Jiya. As a boy Jiya hast to over come a big tragette. A volcano erupes and makes a giant tidal wave.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The focus and meaning of the essay are inadequate. While the writer suggests that Jiya has to overcome a tragedy, the essay fails to establish a clear, controlling idea that would serve as the thesis for subsequent body paragraphs. The writer demonstrates no understanding of the purpose of the task or the intended audience. Therefore, the writer completes no parts of the task.
The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The readers are given a glimpse into the tragedy in the story, but the writer does not convey to the readers that the steps to overcoming Jiya’s tragedy will be revealed in the essay. (“As a boy Jiya hast to over come a big tragette.”)
The essay does not state the central/controlling idea of the essay. The essay only states that there is a tragedy, but never provides a thesis that reflects the point of the writing task, which is to provide specific steps Jiya must take to overcome his tragic situation. (“The story "The Big Wave " by Pearl s. Buck tells about a tragette that happends to a little boy named Jiya. As a boy Jiya hast to over come a big tragette.”)
The introduction fails to exhibit the writer’s point of view or argument. In essence, it is an extremely brief summary of the story that fails to address any of the requirements of the writing task. (“The story "The Big Wave " by Pearl s. Buck tells about a tragette that happends to a little boy named Jiya. As a boy Jiya hast to over come a big tragette. A volcano erupes and makes a giant tidal wave.”)
Content & Development
In this one-paragraph essay, the writer makes no attempt to develop content to support ideas. The essay uses no details and fails to support and develop ideas.
Because the central/controlling idea of the essay is missing, there is no evidence provided to explain the main idea of the essay. The writer needs a thesis and at least three main ideas to be included as evidence. (The story "The Big Wave" by Pearl s. Buck tells about a tragette that happends to a little boy named Jiya. As a boy Jiya hast to over come a big tragette.”)
Details should have been used to explain and illustrate the evidence that would support the controlling idea. (Details include examples, facts, brief narratives or explanations.) (“A volcano erupes and makes a giant tidal wave.”)
Since there are no body paragraphs, main ideas within those paragraphs cannot be identified or used as supports to a controlling thesis. The essay fails to deliver on all aspects of the task. (“The story "The Big Wave” by Pearl s. Buck tells about a tragette that happends to a little boy named Jiya. As a boy Jiya hast to over come a big tragette. A volcano erupes and makes a giant tidal wave.”)
Organization
Because the essay is only one paragraph in length, no formal organization is detected in the essay. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure and does not include a recognizable introduction or conclusion. Furthermore, the writer does not incorporate the use of paragraphing or transitional devices.
The introduction does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. Because the essay only reflects a brief story summary, the writer never addresses the prompt’s task of suggesting the steps Jiya must take to overcome his tragedy. (“ As a boy Jiya hast to over come a big tragette. A volcano erupes and makes a giant tidal wave.”)
T ransitional devices cannot be used to help connect ideas because the writer does not have enough content to employ them. (“ The story "The Big Wave” by Pearl s. Buck tells about a tragette that happends to a little boy named Jiya. As a boy Jiya hast to over come a big tragette. A volcano erupes and makes a giant tidal wave.”)
The essay does not include a conclusion. The writer provides a very sketchy introduction and no other organization is evident. (“The story "The Big Wave” by Pearl s. Buck tells about a tragette that happends to a little boy named Jiya. As a boy Jiya hast to over come a big tragette. A volcano erupes and makes a giant tidal wave.”)
Language Use & Style
The writer exhibits inadequate language use and style in this very short, one-paragraph essay. The essay demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in spelling that interfere with the brief response to the writing task.
There are too few sentences to determine the voice or style of the writer. (“The story "The Big Wave” by Pearl s. Buck tells about a tragette that happends to a little boy named Jiya. As a boy Jiya hast to over come a big tragette. A volcano erupes and makes a giant tidal wave.”)
The writer exhibits no awareness of the intended audience. Readers anticipate specific steps that the boy should take to overcome a tragedy and instead, get only a brief synopsis of the storyline. (“ The story "The Big Wave” by Pearl s. Buck tells about a tragette that happends to a little boy named Jiya. As a boy Jiya hast to over come a big tragette. A volcano erupes and makes a giant tidal wave.”)
Transitions cannot be incorporated into the essay response because it is too brief. (“ The story "The Big Wave” by Pearl s. Buck tells about a tragette that happends to a little boy named Jiya. As a boy Jiya hast to over come a big tragette. A volcano erupes and makes a giant tidal wave.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
There is inadequate control of conventions and mechanics in the essay. The major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or, in this case, spelling, significantly interfere with the communication of the very brief message offered by the writer.
The essay does not have enough content to adequately evaluate the mechanics and conventions of the essay. However, the spelling errors greatly detract from the brief message the writer attempts to convey. (“The story "The Big Wave” by Pearl s. Buck tells about a tragette that happends to a little boy named Jiya. As a boy Jiya hast to over come a big tragette. A volcano erupes and makes a giant tidal wave.”)
The writer should go to MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.
Tuck Everlasting by Natalie Babbitt
What do you think it would be like to live forever and never grow old? Decide whether you think it would be good to live forever, or not. Write a speech that you could read (or speak aloud) to your classmates. In your speech, tell what you think is good, or not good, about living forever. Give reasons to support your ideas.
Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.
Model Essay
“That’s funny, we have all the time in the world.” That quote was from the spectacular book, Tuck Everlasting, written by Natalie Babbitt. In the book, a family drinks water out of a spring, and the water makes them live forever. There are many different opinions, good and bad, as to whether living forever is a valuable thing or a detrimental one. I don’t know about you, but I would hate to live forever. Just like any reasonable argument, I have reasons from the book to back up my opinion.
How would you feel if you never aged and never grew older? Many of the main characters hate living forever. Jesse is one of the only characters in the story that believes having all the time in the world to do whatever you want would be great. He even asked a girl, Winnie, to drink the water too because he loved the “living forever lifestyle.” Most of the other characters like Mae thought it was very repetitive. In her eyes, Mae felt that spending your life, day after day, not going through changes like everybody else, seemed like a tortuous way to live.
Think about how bored you are during the last few weeks of summer, endlessly waiting for school to start up again. You would be living those few weeks for the rest of your life (till the end of time). You can also relate to how the Tucks feel by remembering the feeling when you are so excited to get something and you keep waiting and waiting until you realize you are not going to get it. That is how the Tucks feel, awaiting change in their lives that never comes. Tuck, another character in the book, believes it is not good to live forever, and says that “people are on a wheel”, and suddenly, his family is not on the wheel anymore. They stopped aging and growing. In addition, they have to keep that secret from everybody they know. This ultimately makes them feel guilty about not telling people.
In the book Tuck Everlasting , someone finds out about the spring. He was the man in the yellow suit. He wanted to market the water and sell it to the highest bidder. The Tuck family thought that his idea was very dangerous, and they ended up killing him. Put yourself in the Tucks’ shoes for a moment. You would constantly have to move away from your friends and family so they would not find out that you are going to live forever. Miles had two children and a wife; he had to keep the secret from them. When Miles had to leave, he missed his family so much he regretted the day he made the mistake of drinking the water. If the people in your community found out about the life water, they could think you were doing witchcraft. People become very frightened of things they do not understand. When Miles was injured a few times, he did not get hurt. Miles' family started to get suspicious when he should have gotten hurt, but he didn’t. He and the rest of his family had to leave their children and go away. Even if their friends were okay with it, they would feel weird having children the same age as them. How would you feel if eventually your wife or husband became the same age as your mother?
Furthermore, if you sat there and watched all of your loved ones die, you would eventually envy them and want to die too. They all get to be together in heaven and you would be left all alone on Earth forever. It would be too lonely for any one person to stand. When Mae had to kill the man because he knew their secret, Tuck envied him. He reached a point where he felt it is way better to go through the cycle of life than to be “stuck like a rock on the side of the road”. Besides, if you had to go through times like the “Great Depression”, world wars, or the end of time, you would have to live miserably forever. Most of the characters helped me decide who to side with. I am with Mae and Tuck on this one. I would not want to live forever.
In the end of the book, the family does find a friend they can share their secret with. Her name is Winnie. Even though they made this loyal friend they could trust, they still had to move because she had all of their secrets resting in her soul. Even though they knew she would not tell about the water, they did not want to put her life in danger with the secret she carried for them. Many years later, they come back to see their friends. To their dismay and great sadness, they discovered that Winnie had passed away many years before. She never chose to drink the water because the Tucks told her not to. Since the Tucks were so miserable living forever, they advised the girl not to drink the water. Jesse was the only one who wanted her to drink it because he was in love with her and wanted her to live with him forever. She actually ended up giving the water to save a toad. I would advise people to read this book if they have to make a decision about anything as important as wanting to live forever. This story really makes you think twice about what is real and what is not. This book has taught me it would not be as much fun as it seems to live forever. At first thought, it may seem to be a great idea. Being young, never getting hurt or sick, going wherever you want and so on. But not enjoying all the things that come with living a full life like childhood, being a teenager, entering adulthood, becoming a parent, then a grandparent, then of course, dying. I would want to experience the cycle of life. Think about it. What would you do? Before you take that drink, you better think long and hard about what you would want for your life.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
This essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the story, and the personal views of the writer through a controlling or central idea.
This essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“That’s funny, we have all the time in the world.” That quote was from the spectacular book, Tuck Everlasting, written by Natalie Babbitt. In the book, a family drinks water out of a spring, and the water makes them live forever. There are many different opinions, good and bad, as to whether living forever is a valuable thing or a detrimental one. I don’t know about you, but I would hate to live forever. Just like any reasonable argument, I have reasons from the book to back up my opinion.”)
The essay’s response clearly focuses on the question asked in the writing prompt. (“When Mae had to kill the man because he knew their secret, Tuck envied him. He reached a point where he felt it is way better to go through the cycle of life than to be “stuck like a rock on the side of the road”. Besides, if you had to go through times like the "Great Depression", world wars, or the end of time, you would have to live miserably forever. Most of the characters helped me decide who to side with. I am with Mae and Tuck on this one. I would not want to live forever.”)
The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ There are many different opinions, good and bad, as to whether living forever is a valuable thing or a detrimental one. I don’t know about you, but I would hate to live forever. Just like any reasonable argument, I have reasons from the book to back up my opinion. How would you feel if you never aged and never grew older?”)
Content & Development
There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence in the text.
The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“How would you feel if you never aged and never grew older? Many of the main characters hate living forever. Jesse is one of the only characters in the story that believes having all the time in the world to do whatever you want would be great. He even asked a girl, Winnie, to drink the water too because he loved the “living forever lifestyle.” Most of the other characters like Mae thought it was very repetitive. In her eyes, Mae felt that spending your life, day after day, not going through changes like everybody else, seemed like a tortuous way to live.”)
This essay includes important details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, dialogue, and ideas, which connect the essay question to the text. (“Think about how bored you are during the last few weeks of summer, endlessly waiting for school to start up again. You would be living those few weeks for the rest of your life (till the end of time). You can also relate to how the Tucks feel by remembering the feeling when you are so excited to get something and you keep waiting and waiting until you realize you are not going to get it. That is how the Tucks feel, awaiting change in their lives that never comes. Tuck, another character in the book, believes it is not good to live forever, and says that “people are on a wheel”, and suddenly, his family is not on the wheel anymore. They stopped aging and growing.”)
The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“In the book Tuck Everlasting , someone finds out about the spring. He was the man in the yellow suit. He wanted to market the water and sell it to the highest bidder. The Tuck family thought that his idea was very dangerous, and they ended up killing him. Put yourself in the Tucks’ shoes for a moment. You would constantly have to move away from your friends and family so they would not find out that you are going to live forever. Miles had two children and a wife; he had to keep the secret from them. When Miles had to leave, he missed his family so much he regretted the day he made the mistake of drinking the water. If the people in your community found out about the life water, they could think you were doing witchcraft.”)
Organization
The writer is successful in organizing his/her ideas in a very effective way. A cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion is demonstrated. There is also an effective use of transitional devices throughout the essay.
The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. In this case, the writer chooses a direct quote from the story to get the reader focused on the ideas to come. (“ That’s funny, we have all the time in the world.” That quote was from the spectacular book, Tuck Everlasting, written by Natalie Babbitt. In the book, a family drinks water out of a spring, and the water makes them live forever. There are many different opinions, good and bad, as to whether living forever is a valuable thing or a detrimental one. I don’t know about you, but I would hate to live forever.”)
Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ In the end of the book, the family does find a friend they can share their secret with. Her name is Winnie. Even though they made this loyal friend they could trust, they still had to move because she had all of their secrets resting in her soul. Even though they knew she would not tell about the water, they did not want to put her life in danger with the secret she carried for them. Many years later, they come back to see their friends. To their dismay and great sadness, they discovered that Winnie had passed away many years before.”)
The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ This story really makes you think twice about what is real and what is not. This book has taught me it would not be as much fun as it seems to live forever. At first thought, it may seem to be a great idea. Being young, never getting hurt or sick, going wherever you want and so on. But not enjoying all the things that come with living a full life like childhood, being a teenager, entering adulthood, becoming a parent, then a grandparent, then of course, dying. I would want to experience the cycle of life. Think about it. What would you do? Before you take that drink, you better think long and hard about what you would want for your life. “)
Language Use & Style
The essay exhibits very effective language use, voice, and style. The writer demonstrates precise language use, artful word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of the intended audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the cohesiveness and clarity of the writer’s message.
The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores both sides of the issue and cites clearly his/her decision about living forever. (“ I would advise people to read this book if they have to make a decision about anything as important as wanting to live forever. This story really makes you think twice about what is real and what is not. This book has taught me it would not be as much fun as it seems to live forever. At first thought, it may seem to be a great idea. Being young, never getting hurt or sick, going wherever you want and so on. But not enjoying all the things that come with living a full life like childhood, being a teenager, entering adulthood, becoming a parent, then a grandparent, then of course, dying. I would want to experience the cycle of life.”)
The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. The essay poses questions throughout the essay that are meant to get the readers thinking about what they would do in the same situation. Expressing his/her views and getting the readers to explore their own, is a very effective tool that the writer implements. (“ If the people in your community found out about the life water, they could think you were doing witchcraft. People become very frightened of things they do not understand. When Miles was injured a few times, he did not get hurt. Miles' family started to get suspicious when he should have gotten hurt, but he didn’t. He and the rest of his family had to leave their children and go away. Even if their friends were okay with it, they would feel weird having children the same age as them. How would you feel if eventually your wife or husband became the same age as your mother?”)
Mechanics & Conventions
There is very effective control of conventions and mechanics in the essay. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not impede the writer’s message or purpose.
For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and each sentence starts with a capital letter. (“ How would you feel if you never aged and never grew older? Many of the main characters hate living forever. Jesse is one of the only characters in the story that believes having all the time in the world to do whatever you want would be great.”)
Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.
Model Essay
“What we Tucks got, you can’t call it living. We’re just like rocks beside the road.” That is what Angus Tuck thinks of everlasting life in the story Tuck Everlasting, by Natalie Babbitt, a fantasy fiction, that portrays the themes of everlasting life and a circle. In the story, a girl named Winnie is kidnapped by the mysterious Tuck family and ultimately befriends them when they tell her their story about drinking from a magical spring and getting everlasting life. Little do they know a stranger in a yellow suit is following them, and dire consequences form when he tells the Tucks and Winnie his plan to market the spring for a fortune. Through the story, it becomes clear that everlasting life is two-sided. Some people would choose living forever and doing everything they wanted with all the time in the world to do them. Others would choose to die; the thought of not going to heaven or being with their loved ones in eternity would be too much to bear. There are multiple sides to the issue of everlasting life.
The bright side of everlasting life is you could live forever and do any thing you want. It is clear that Jesse loves everlasting life because of this, for he states, “Just think of all the things we’ve seen in the world, all the things we will see!” He also says, “Wait till I show you the Eiffel Tower!” That is clearly a statement of having all the time in the world.
Conversely, taking the dark side of everlasting life, you couldn’t go to heaven. An example of this is when the Man in the Yellow Suit is hit in the head with the shotgun, Tuck is envious of him. A quote from the text states, “But Tuck was not looking at her. Instead he was gazing at the body on the ground, leaning forward slightly, his brows were drawn, his mouth a little open. It was as if he were entranced and - yes, envious - like a starving man looking threw the window at a banquet.” Tuck wants to go to heaven; he wants to die like everyone else. Also, if you committed homicide, and you wanted to die for remorse, or you had a death sentence , you couldn’t die. A quote from the constable states this, “Make out. You people beat all. If this feller dies, you'll get the gallows, that’s what you’ll get, if that’s what you mean by get out.”
My last reason everlasting life has two-sides is explaining the paradox of everlasting life. For one, you could accomplish all of life’s goals, but what then? Also, you couldn’t die, but you wouldn’t exactly live. As Tuck states in the story, “We Tucks aren’t dead. But what we Tucks got, you can’t call it living. We just are. Like rocks beside the road. Off the wheel of life.”
The two-sides of everlasting life are well explained in the story. It is good for being able to live life forever and never dying. Jesse loves this because he has all the time in the world to do anything he wants to. But everlasting life is bad also, especially for Miles. His wife left him when he wasn’t growing any older because she believed he had sold his soul to the devil. It is your choice if you want to live forever, if you want to be rocks beside the road, like the Tucks, or die to live happily in heaven with your loved ones forever. Forever is a long time. Think about it.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The essay has good focus and meaning. The writer establishes a good analysis of the text and makes clear connections between the task, the ideas in the text, and the literary theme through a controlling or central idea.
The writer chooses to focus on the positive and negative aspects of the issue of living forever. Although the writing task directs the writer to discuss his/her personal choice, the essay addresses both sides of the issue. The writer is effective in this approach only because the essay keeps that same focus throughout the writing. (“ Through the story, it becomes clear that everlasting life is two-sided. Some people would choose living forever and doing everything they wanted with all the time in the world to do them. Others would choose to die; the thought of not going to heaven or being with their loved ones in eternity would be too much to bear. There are multiple sides to the issue of everlasting life.”) All writers should be mindful of the requirements of a prompt task and make every attempt to follow the directives of the task explicitly.
The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, character, dialogue, and ideas, which connect the essay question to the text. (“ An example of this is when the Man in the Yellow Suit is hit in the head with the shotgun, Tuck is envious of him. A quote from the text states, “But Tuck was not looking at her. Instead he was gazing at the body on the ground, leaning forward slightly, his brows were drawn, his mouth a little open. It was as if he were entranced and - yes, envious - like a starving man looking threw the window at a banquet.” Tuck wants to go to heaven, he wants to die like everyone else.”)
The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about both sides of the issue of living forever. (“ The two-sides of everlasting life are well explained in the story. It is good for being able to live life forever and never dying. Jesse loves this because he has all the time in the world to do anything he wants to. But everlasting life is bad also, especially for Miles…”)
Content & Development
The essay provides good content and development that connects the writer’s ideas to the text. The writer develops the ideas fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence from the story to support his/her thesis.
The essay uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“The bright side of everlasting life is you could live forever and do any thing you want. It is clear that Jesse loves everlasting life because of this, for he states, “Just think of all the things we’ve seen in the world, all the things we will see!” He also says, “Wait till I show you the Eiffel Tower!” That is clearly a statement of having all the time in the world.”)
The essay includes specific details and quotations (by or about the main characters) with clear references to the story. (“ Tuck is envious of him. A quote from the text states, “But Tuck was not looking at her. Instead he was gazing at the body on the ground, leaning forward slightly, his brows were drawn, his mouth a little open. It was as if he were entranced and - yes, envious - like a starving man looking threw the window at a banquet.” Tuck wants to go to heaven, he wants to die like everyone else.”)
The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“My last reason everlasting life has two-sides is explaining the paradox of everlasting life. For one, you could accomplish all of life’s goals, but what then? Also, you couldn’t die, but you wouldn’t exactly live. As Tuck states in the story, “We Tucks aren’t dead. But what we Tucks got, you can’t call it living. We just are. Like rocks beside the road. Off the wheel of life.”)
Organization
The writer demonstrates good organization in the essay. The essay presents a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. The writer’s consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices assists in conveying an effective argument for both sides of the issue.
The introduction grabs the readers’ attention by including a quotation from one of the main characters. (“ What we Tucks got, you can’t call it living. We’re just like rocks beside the road.” That is what Angus Tuck thinks of everlasting life in the story Tuck Everlasting, by Natalie Babbitt, a fantasy fiction, that portrays the themes of everlasting life and a circle.”)
Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used effectively. (“ Conversely, taking the dark side of everlasting life, you couldn’t go to heaven. An example of this is when the Man in the Yellow Suit is hit in the head with the shotgun, Tuck is envious of him. A quote from the text states, “But Tuck was not looking at her. Instead he was gazing at the body on the ground, leaning forward slightly, his brows were drawn, his mouth a little open. It was as if he were entranced and - yes, envious - like a starving man looking threw the window at a banquet.” Tuck wants to go to heaven, he wants to die like everyone else. Also, if you committed homicide…”)
The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with something to think about.
(“It is your choice if you want to live forever, if you want to be rocks beside the road, like the Tucks, or die to live happily in heaven with your loved ones forever. Forever is a long time. Think about it.”)
Language Use & Style
The writer exhibits good use of language, voice, and style in the essay. There is appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. The writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety.
The writer makes good word choices and selects some sophisticated vocabulary in the essay. This gives the essay consistent language and tone. (“ Also, if you committed homicide, and you wanted to die for remorse… My last reason for everlasting life has two-sides is explaining the paradox of everlasting life…”)
Coherent style and tone ensure that the reader can thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related, and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ Little do they know a stranger in a yellow suit is following them, and dire consequences form when he tells the Tucks and Winnie his plan to market the spring for a fortune. Through the story, it becomes clear that everlasting life is two-sided. Some people would choose living forever and doing everything they wanted with all the time in the world to do them. Others would choose to die; the thought of not going to heaven or being with their loved ones in eternity would be too much to bear. There are multiple sides to the issue of everlasting life.”)
The writer demonstrates a strong voice in the writing response. The writer consistently informs the reader throughout the essay that the writer is exploring both sides of the issue. The writer lends his/her voice to examining all sides so the reader can think about what they would do if they were in the characters’ position. (“ It is your choice if you want to live forever, if you want to be rocks beside the road, like the Tucks, or die to live happily in heaven with your loved ones forever. Forever is a long time. Think about it.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The writer demonstrates good control of conventions and mechanics. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.
For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences have a line break used to separate and distinguish between the paragraphs, and sentences begin with capital letters.
Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.
Model Essay
Would you want to live forever from a drink of water from a magical spring? I wouldn’t want to live forever. Imagine living forever. No, you would not want to live forever! You will make a horrible choose from drinking the water from the magical spring.
Some people think it is good living forever when I think it would not be good to live forever. It is not good because if you drink some of the water that can keep you alive you would see people aging and you’re not aging. If you drink the water at a young age you would miss out on a lot of things. You could miss out on a lot of things like getting married, having a family, and driving. What if you are 800 years old and you look like you are twelve years old still? That would not be good. Once you drink the water, you would soon think you should not have had a drink of it.
In the good book, Tuck Everlasting, the whole family drank the water. Most of the Tuck family would want to die. Angus Tuck wants to be like every other man in the world. He wants to be in the life cycle. He wants to die. Miles Tuck had a family that left him because they were getting older and he was staying the same age. His kids were older than him. Mae Tuck just wants to die like everyone else, but she can’t. Jesse Tuck, the youngest one, doesn’t mind staying alive forever or staying the same age. Angus Tuck had been bitten by a snake and he didn’t die. Jesse had fallen out of a tree. He did not get hurt. He had also ate a poisoned frog. He did not get sick or die. The horse was shot by some hunters and it didn’t die.
If only you drink the water and your family doesn’t, you will be all alone. Your family will die and you will just stay the same age and will be on your own. I would miss my family a lot if I was the only one alive after a long time. I would not want to see all my family members die and I am still the same. People would be suspicious and you will have to keep on moving. Also, if you know about the water you would probably want to keep it a secret because imagine everyone staying the same age and not dying.
Don’t drink the water because of all those good reasons. Imagine the water from the magical spring is a drink that you hate the most so you won’t drink it. Make sure you don’t drink the water because sooner or later you will regret staying alive forever. Make sure you make the right decision and don’t drink the water.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The focus and meaning of the essay are adequate enough to convey the writer’s opinion on the issue of living forever. The writer establishes a very basic analysis of the story. The essay also conveys implied connections between the task, the ideas in the story, and the literary theme through a controlling or central idea.
The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. From the very beginning of the essay, the writer clearly indicates his/her opinion on living forever. (“Would you want to live forever from a drink of water from a magical spring? I wouldn’t want to live forever. Imagine living forever. No, you would not want to live forever! You will make a horrible choose from drinking the water from the magical spring.”)
The writer adequately uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“In the good book, Tuck Everlasting, the whole family drank the water. Most of the Tuck family would want to die. Angus Tuck wants to be like every other man in the world. He wants to be in the life cycle. He wants to die. Miles Tuck had a family that left him because they were getting older and he was staying the same age. His kids were older than him. Mae Tuck just wants to die like everyone else, but she can’t. Jesse Tuck, the youngest one, doesn’t mind staying alive forever or staying the same age. Angus Tuck had been bitten by a snake and he didn’t die. Jesse had fallen out of a tree. He did not get hurt. He had also ate a poisoned frog. He did not get sick or die. The horse was shot by some hunters and it didn’t die.”)
The essay understands the intended audience adequately. The writer seems to plead with the readers to make a wise choice and never drink the magical water. (“Don’t drink the water because of all those good reasons. Imagine the water from the magical spring is a drink that you hate the most so you won’t drink it. Make sure you don’t drink the water because sooner or later you will regret staying alive forever. Make sure you make the right decision and don’t drink the water.”)
Content & Development
The writer provides adequate content and development in the essay. Ideas are developed adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence from the story. The essay would have been more effective if additional examples, details, and dialogue from the text were employed throughout.
The essay includes adequate details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“In the good book, Tuck Everlasting, the whole family drank the water. Most of the Tuck family would want to die. Angus Tuck wants to be like every other man in the world. He wants to be in the life cycle. He wants to die. Miles Tuck had a family that left him because they were getting older and he was staying the same age. His kids were older than him. Mae Tuck just wants to die like everyone else, but she can’t. Jesse Tuck, the youngest one, doesn’t mind staying alive forever or staying the same age. Angus Tuck had been bitten by a snake and he didn’t die. Jesse had fallen out of a tree. He did not get hurt. He had also ate a poisoned frog. He did not get sick or die. The horse was shot by some hunters and it didn’t die.”)
The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“If only you drink the water and your family doesn’t, you will be all alone. Your family will die and you will just stay the same age and will be on your own. I would miss my family a lot if I was the only one alive after a long time. I would not want to see all my family members die and I am still the same. People would be suspicious and you will have to keep on moving. Also, if you know about the water you would probably want to keep it a secret because imagine everyone staying the same age and not dying.”)
The explanations and details used by the writer to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. However, at least three details should be stated about each main idea, and the writing should include four to five supporting details in each paragraph to explain and illustrate each main idea. The writer misses many opportunities to elaborate on ideas to make them more than just adequate in the response. (“ Some people think it is good living forever when I think it would not be good to live forever. It is not good because if you drink some of the water that can keep you alive you would see people aging and you’re not aging. If you drink the water at a young age you would miss out on a lot of things.”)
Organization
The organization of ideas in the essay is adequate. The writer demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is adequate use of paragraphing, but an inconsistent use of transitional devices on the part of the writer.
The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ Would you want to live forever from a drink of water from a magical spring? I wouldn’t want to live forever. Imagine living forever. No, you would not want to live forever! You will make a horrible choose from drinking the water from the magical spring.”)
The writer did not demonstrate a use of transitions in the essay. Transitional devices between paragraphs or between sentences should be used to connect ideas. The writer should consult the MY Access! Word Bank and implement “Quarter” and “Dollar” to “Five” and “Fifty” -dollar transitions from the MY Access! Word Bank, which will contribute to the flow and sequence of the essay. (“ People would be suspicious and you will have to keep on moving. Also, if you know about the water you would probably want to keep it a secret because imagine everyone staying the same age and not dying.”)
The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ Don’t drink the water because of all those good reasons. Imagine the water from the magical spring is a drink that you hate the most so you won’t drink it. Make sure you don’t drink the water because sooner or later you will regret staying alive forever. Make sure you make the right decision and don’t drink the water.”)
Language Use & Style
Adequate language use, voice, and style are exhibited in the essay. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The essay generally presents correct sentence structure with some variety.
The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ What if you are 800 years old and you look like you are twelve years old still? That would not be good. Once you drink the water, you would soon think you should not have had a drink of it.”)
The writer demonstrates an adequate awareness of audience. (“
If only you drink the water and your family doesn’t, you will be all alone. Your family will die and you will just stay the same age and will be on your own.”)
The voice of the writer is consistent throughout the task response. (“I would miss my family a lot if I was the only one alive after a long time. I would not want to see all my family members die and I am still the same. People would be suspicious and you will have to keep on moving. Also, if you know about the water you would probably want to keep it a secret because imagine everyone staying the same age and not dying. Don’t drink the water because of all those good reasons. Imagine the water from the magical spring is a drink that you hate the most so you won’t drink it. Make sure you don’t drink the water because sooner or later you will regret staying alive forever. Make sure you make the right decision and don’t drink the water.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
There is adequate control of conventions and mechanics on the part of the writer in the task response. Some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling are evident, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.
A proficient writer exercises good proofreading and editing skills in order to produce a written response that conveys an effective and compelling message to the intended audience. The writer wants to be sure that sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences begin with a capital letters, and line breaks are used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. (“ What if you are 800 years old and you look like you are twelve years old still? That would not be good. Once you drink the water, you would soon think you should not have had a drink of it.”)
Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.
Model Essay
If people lived forever and never got old the people would always be the same age. People would see their kids die and their friends but they would never die. Living forever would have it’s goods and the not’s so good.
For starters people are scared of dying, some people would love to Live Forever. Some people would travel the world, or risk your lives because you can’t die. In Tuck Everlasting, The Tucks show us how it is terrible to live forever. May Tuck even killed someone to prevent Winnie from drinking the water and showing "The Man in The Yellow suit" where the water was.
Living Forever was something they did on an accident they didn’t want anyone to have the same accident. So you can decide for yourselves if living forever is good or bad, But I think If you want to live live your life and not forever.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
In the essay, the writer’s focus and meaning are quite limited. The essay falls short in establishing a basic analysis of the text. It makes only a few vague connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and the main literary theme through a controlling or central idea.
In the introduction, only a limited point of view or argument of the essay is stated. (“Living forever would have it’s goods and the not’s so good.”) The writer does not seem to take a stand on either side of the argument. The thesis is unclear and does not reflect the main element of the writing task.
The essay only includes limited details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, dialogue, and ideas, which connect the essay question to the text. (“In Tuck Everlasting, The Tucks show us how it is terrible to live forever. May Tuck even killed someone to prevent Winnie from drinking the water and showing "The Man in The Yellow suit" where the water was.”) This example demonstrates the only reference the writer makes to the text in his/her argument. To have a more clear and convincing point of view, more specific details are needed.
The essay illustrates a limited understanding of the writing task and some awareness of the intended audience. The writer is limited in his/her efforts to convince the reader of the point of view being presented. (“Living Forever was something they did on an accident they didn’t want anyone to have the same accident. So you can decide for yourselves if living forever is good or bad, But I think If you want to live live your life and not forever.”)
Content & Development
The content and development of main ideas are limited in the essay. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and accurate evidence from the text.
This essay includes limited or few details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, dialogue, and ideas, which connect the essay question to the text. (“For starters people are scared of dying, some people would love to Live Forever. Some people would travel the world, or risk your lives because you can’t die. In Tuck Everlasting, The Tucks show us how it is terrible to live forever. May Tuck even killed someone to prevent Winnie from drinking the water and showing "The Man in The Yellow suit" where the water was. Living Forever was something they did on an accident they didn’t want anyone to have the same accident.”)
The main ideas of the body paragraphs are so brief that they do not fully support the writer’s thesis. The writer uses this idea in the introduction of the essay, (“If people lived forever and never got old the people would always be the same age. People would see their kids die and their friends but they would never die.”), but it could have been a main idea in a body paragraph with specific supporting details from the text. These two brief sentences begin a strong argument against living forever, but the writer abandons the ideas before they are fully developed.
The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. The essay should include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate each main idea. For example, in the second paragraph of the essay, the writer could have provided the reader with very rich, specific examples from the text to illustrate the many ways the characters demonstrated how terrible it would be to live forever. (“Some people would travel the world, or risk your lives because you can’t die. In Tuck Everlasting, The Tucks show us how it is terrible to live forever.”)
Organization
The organization of the writer’s ideas in the essay is limited at best. The essay demonstrates some evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and a brief conclusion. Although the writer manages to employ the use of paragraphing in the essay, it lacks some transitional devices, which would have assisted in the flow and sequence of the writer’s message.
The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction with a few interesting insights and a brief sentence that explains what the essay is about. It fails, however, to provide any background information about the topic from the text to assist the reader in understanding the context in which the argument is being made. (“ If people lived forever and never got old the people would always be the same age. People would see their kids die and their friends but they would never die. Living forever would have it’s goods and the not’s so good.”)
There is very little evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect the writer’s ideas. Using transitional devices (first, second, third, for example, next, in addition, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. In this example, the writer employs his/her one and only recognizable transition word. (“ For starters people are scared of dying, some people would love to Live Forever. Some people would travel the world, or risk your lives because you can’t die.”) Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.
The conclusion does not summarize the main points of the essay, but it does attempt to leave the readers with something to think about. (“ So you can decide for yourselves if living forever is good or bad, But I think If you want to live live your life and not forever.”)
Language Use & Style
There is limited use of language, voice, and style. The essay reflects simple language use, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice. The writer’s response to the prompt task does not convey a clear, effective point of view to the intended audience.
The writer uses repetition in word choices. For example, he/she continuously refers to “people” in the essay. (“ If people lived forever and never got old the people would always be the same age. People would see their kids die and their friends but they would never die… For starters people are scared of dying, some people would love to Live Forever. Some people…”) The writer should consult the MY Access! Word Bank to find synonyms to help them make more varied word selections.
The writer exhibits a limited awareness of audience; however, changing from first person to third person would clearly define the purpose of the essay and the intended audience. (“ Living Forever was something they did on an accident they didn’t want anyone to have the same accident. So you can decide for yourselves if living forever is good or bad, But I think If you want to live live your life and not forever.”) The writer moves between third person and first person throughout the essay and should commit to third person for clarity and effectiveness.
The style of the essay is not formal. The writer does not convey an informative approach and leaves the reader wondering exactly what his/her position is on the topic of living forever. Without specific supporting details from the text, the essay delivers nothing more than a brief, simple opinion that does not reflect the necessary components of the writing task. (“ Living forever would have it’s goods and the not’s so good.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The essay demonstrates limited control of conventions and mechanics on the part of the writer. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message.
The essay should include sentences that have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences that end with appropriate punctuation marks, and sentences with correct capitalization. (“ So you can decide for yourselves if living forever is good or bad, But I think If you want to live live your life and not forever.”)
The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.
Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.
Model Essay
If I lived for ever it will be not so good imagine if the world ends you will be still living were by your self that will be not okay .Like in Winnie Foster she had the disicion for living for ever then she thinked about but she did not drink it because she thought about the tuck family they are unhappy because they live for ever.
Then after she thought of the problem she did not drink it and lived a normal life .In tyhat book tuck everlasting was really interesting when she found the spring that makes you live for ever then she got by one of the tuck family.
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The writer’s focus and meaning in the essay are minimal. At best, the essay establishes a confused or incomplete analysis of the text. The writer makes insufficient connections between the task, the ideas in the text, and the literary theme through a controlling or central idea.
The essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“If I lived for ever it will be not so good imagine if the world ends you will be still living were by your self that will be not okay.”) The writer misses the opportunity to clearly state his/her position on the issue and to support the thesis with specific details from the text.
The essay’s response does not focus completely on the question asked in the writing prompt. (“Then after she thought of the problem she did not drink it and lived a normal life .In tyhat book tuck everlasting was really interesting when she found the spring that makes you live for ever then she got by one of the tuck family.”) The writer retells small portions of the story instead of using the evidence from the text to support his/her own position on living forever.
The essay does not keep the same focus throughout the text. (“If I lived for ever it will be not so good imagine if the world ends you will be still living were by your self that will be not okay .Like in Winnie Foster she had the disicion for living for ever then she thinked about but she did not drink it because she thought about the tuck family they are unhappy because they live for ever.”) The writer does little to focus on his/her position and support it with evidence from the text.
Content & Development
There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references to the text.
The essay uses minimal details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“Like in Winnie Foster she had the disicion for living for ever then she thinked about but she did not drink it because she thought about the tuck family they are unhappy because they live for ever.”)
The essay uses minimal details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“In tyhat book tuck everlasting was really interesting when she found the spring that makes you live for ever then she got by one of the tuck family.”)
There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s thesis statement. Since the essay does not include at least three main ideas in separate body paragraphs, no important details (including examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) were provided to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“If I lived for ever it will be not so good imagine if the world ends you will be still living were by your self that will be not okay .Like in Winnie Foster she had the disicion for living for ever then she thinked about but she did not drink it because she thought about the tuck family they are unhappy because they live for ever.
Then after she thought of the problem she did not drink it and lived a normal life .In tyhat book tuck everlasting was really interesting when she found the spring that makes you live for ever then she got by one of the tuck family.”)
Organization
The ideas presented in this essay are minimally organized. The essay demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and no clear conclusion. There is minimal use of paragraphing, and no transitional devices are evident within the essay.
The essay demonstrates little evidence of a good introduction. The writer fails to grab the readers’ attention because they did not include a question, quotation, or an interesting fact or statistic. (“ If I lived for ever it will be not so good imagine if the world ends you will be still living were by your self that will be not okay.”)
The introduction only includes minimal background information about the topic. The writer did not provide connections from the text before addressing the components of the writing task. Readers who are unfamiliar with the text will be unable to appreciate the arguments that are attempted by the writer. (“ Like in Winnie Foster she had the disicion for living for ever then she thinked about but she did not drink it because she thought about the tuck family they are unhappy because they live for ever.”)
There is little evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. Using transitional devices (first, second, third, for example, next, in addition, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. (“ If I lived for ever it will be not so good imagine if the world ends you will be still living were by your self that will be not okay .Like in Winnie Foster she had the disicion for living for ever then she thinked about but she did not drink it because she thought about the tuck family they are unhappy because they live for ever.”)
The essay does little to include a strong conclusion. The writer does not summarize the main points of the essay, and he/she does not leave the readers with something to think about. (“ In tyhat book tuck everlasting was really interesting when she found the spring that makes you live for ever then she got by one of the tuck family.”)
Language Use & Style
The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is minimal. The essay demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of an intended audience. There are basic errors in sentence structure and usage, rendering the essay ineffective in its ability to convey a meaningful message.
There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ Like in Winnie Foster she had the disicion for living for ever then she thinked about but she did not drink it because she thought about the tuck family they are unhappy because they live for ever.”)
The essay should use more varied and appropriate word choices. For example, the writer continuously uses the pronoun “she,” which makes it difficult for the readers to determine who is being referred to from the text. (“ Then after she thought of the problem she did not drink it and lived a normal life .In tyhat book tuck everlasting was really interesting when she found the spring that makes you live for ever then she got by one of the tuck family.”)
The sentences in the essay are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. In essence, the writer’s voice is lost in the poor language and word choices selected for the essay. (“ If I lived for ever it will be not so good imagine if the world ends you will be still living were by your self that will be not okay.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
There is minimal control of conventions and mechanics in the essay. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message are exhibited.
The essay does not demonstrate proper sentence structure since many of the sentences in the essay are run-on sentences. (“If I lived for ever it will be not so good imagine if the world ends you will be still living were by your self that will be not okay.”)
The writer commits many spelling errors that significantly interfere with the message of the essay. (“Like in Winnie Foster she had the disicion for living for ever then she thinked about but she did not drink it because she thought about the tuck family they are unhappy because they live for ever.”)
The essay does not demonstrate capitalization of proper nouns. (“In tyhat book tuck everlasting was really interesting when she found the spring that makes you live for ever then she got by one of the tuck family.”)
Due to these and other distracting errors, the writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.
Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.
Model Essay
There are resons I would want to live forever and reson i wouldn’t like if I where to live forever all my friends and family would die. But there are some good reasons too. like if i where to live forever I can see whole citys change. In the story, the main
Commentary and Analysis
Focus & Meaning
The focus and meaning of the essay are inadequate. The essay fails to establish an analysis of the text. The writer makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, or the main literary theme through a controlling or central idea.
In the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is inadequate. One of the primary elements of the task is to choose between living forever and not living forever. The writer does not make that choice. The essay very briefly explores an aspect from each side of the argument. The essay does not complete any parts of the writing task successfully. (“There are resons I would want to live forever and reson i wouldn’t like if I where to live forever all my friends and family would die. But there are some good reasons too. like if i where to live forever I can see whole citys change.”)
The essay inadequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer briefly states that he/she would and would not like to live forever. The writer does not take a stand on the issue. The essay never connects any portions of the text to the ideas presented by the writer. The essay essentially fails to complete any parts of the task. (“There are resons I would want to live forever and reson i wouldn’t like if I where to live forever all my friends and family would die. But there are some good reasons too. like if i where to live forever I can see whole citys change.”)
The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. Since the essay does not state a central/controlling idea, the readers do not have a clear picture of the writer’s position on the issue of living forever and no sense of the experiences of the characters in the story. (“There are resons I would want to live forever and reson i wouldn’t like if I where to live forever all my friends and family would die. But there are some good reasons too. like if i where to live forever I can see whole citys change.”)
Content & Development
The content and development of the essay are inadequate. The essay fails to develop ideas, making no meaningful references to the text.
The essay uses inadequate details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“There are resons I would want to live forever and reson i wouldn’t like if I where to live forever all my friends and family would die.”) The writer does not commit to a thesis, does not outline main points to be elaborated upon, and never makes any references to the story.
Because the writer does not refer to the text in any way, the essay uses no details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“But there are some good reasons too. like if i where to live forever I can see whole citys change.”)
Due to the lack of a central/controlling idea in the essay, no evidence is used to support it. If the writer had established a clear thesis in the introduction, followed by a statement of main ideas in body paragraphs with at least three supporting details, then the essay would have conveyed a stronger message to the reader. (“There are resons I would want to live forever and reson i wouldn’t like if I where to live forever all my friends and family would die. But there are some good reasons too. like if i where to live forever I can see whole citys change.”)
Details are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence in the essay. (Details include examples, facts, brief narratives or explanations.) The writer employed no information or references to the text at all. (“There are resons I would want to live forever and reson i wouldn’t like if I where to live forever all my friends and family would die. But there are some good reasons too. like if i where to live forever I can see whole citys change.”)
Organization
There is little to no organization provided in the essay. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with an inadequate introduction and no conclusion. Additionally, no use of paragraphing or transitional devices is evident.
The essay demonstrates no evidence of a good introduction. It does not grab the readers’ attention in any way, and it does not include a clear sentence that establishes a thesis or explains what the essay is about. (“ There are resons I would want to live forever and reson i wouldn’t like if I where to live forever all my friends and family would die.”)
The essay is too brief to employ transitional devices. However, if more content was provided, then t ransitional devices could be used to help connect ideas. (“ But there are some good reasons too. like if i where to live forever I can see whole citys change.”)
The essay fails to summarize the main points of the essay and does not leave the readers with something to think about. The essay does not include any conclusion at all. (“ There are resons I would want to live forever and reson i wouldn’t like if I where to live forever all my friends and family would die. But there are some good reasons too. like if i where to live forever I can see whole citys change.”)
Language Use & Style
The writer’s use of language, voice, and style in the essay is inadequate. The essay exhibits unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.
There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ There are resons I would want to live forever and reson i wouldn’t like if I where to live forever all my friends and family would die.”)
The lengths of other sentences in the essay are short. (“ But there are some good reasons too.”)
The sentences are not well structured, and they do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ like if i where to live forever I can see whole citys change.”)
Mechanics & Conventions
The writer’s control of conventions and mechanics is inadequate. There are major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.
The essay does not exhibit consistent and appropriate capitalization, punctuation, and subject-verb agreement. (“like if i where to live forever I can see whole citys change.”)
The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.