Everyone has made a clumsy mistake in the past such as falling down at the worst possible time or spilling something on a favorite shirt. Have you ever made a clumsy mistake? How did everyone around you react? Were people involved embarrassed, or did everyone have a good laugh?

In a detailed essay, write about a time when you did something clumsy .

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Clumsy. The word that fits me perfectly. I'm the clumsiest person in my perfect family. My brother is the careful one in the family. I don't get it. Every time he knocks over a glass, he always gets it before it falls. But when I drop a glass, boy do I make a huge mistake. The glass breaks into pieces before my feet, spearing them like rose thorns. I guess I was just born that way. But that isn't the worst mistake I've made. Let me tell you of the time when I was being so clumsy, that I could have died of embarrassment, shock, and guilt.

I was about nine years old at the time, and was at my cousin's Halloween party in the year 2006. The fall night's wind was crisp, making my lips chapped as the Sahara desert. The night was quiet, children swarmed the streets, like little revelers. It was a full moon that night, which meant that all the make believe creatures came to life, looking even more grim than before. But I wasn't a creature, I was an evil god. I was the devil. My costume was perfect. It was made out of smooth red velvet, and was short in the front, but long in the back. Red sparkles were dancing in my hair, looking a lot a like my two twisted horns attached to a strap that went around my head. To be honest, I thought I was going to be the best costume there. I also thought I was going to do something clumsy, but I pushed that thought out of my head so I could stay positive. But I had a strong thought that something might happen, and that it was going to be my fault.

I was at my cousin's Halloween party for one reason and one reason only. For candy. It's not that I don't like my cousin's, I just never really get much candy. But my cousin's always have loads and loads of candy stashed away somewhere in the mysterious house. The easy part would be to get away from the crowd. But the hardest part would be finding the most valuable thing on Halloween. The most irresistible piece of sweet, sugary, candy.

The very first place I looked was in the basement. They usually keep a bunch of junk down there like old Christmas decorations and other holiday things. It's got to be here somewhere, I thought. I looked all over the place, behind everything and under anything. But the candy was no where. Now I was getting frustrated. The basement was dark, only a small light on the ceiling. Their washer and dryer were in the corner of the puny basement, covered in a cape of darkness. Christmas and other decorations were scattered among the floor, and also stacked in boxes up to the ceiling. I had been looking all over the basement for over a half an hour. Why couldn't I find any candy? They always have some hidden to eat in the night, I thought. Bingo! I knew where the candy was. I rushed up the cold stairs, shivering from the coldness of the small basement. But what I didn't know, was what I would meet at the top of the stairs.

As I came to the top of the stairs, my cousin came and jumped out at me with his goblin mask, scaring me to death. It was a forest green color, looking forbidding. Fake yellow teeth came out of the goblins mouth, in a sort of zig-zag pattern. He chuckled, but I ignored his little joke and feverishly ran out the front door and on to the polished wooden deck. I peeked into their fake pitch black cauldron, held by a gruesome zombie and gave a big smirk. Jackpot.

There was loads and loads of gorgeous candy. Gumdrops, suckers, gum and more. Finally my work paid off. Rapidly I sped through the house, dodging obstacles such as my family members the dog. Speeding through the creaky house I grabbed my Halloween bucket shaped like a pumpkin I had forgotten from downstairs, sprinted back up the stairs, got some pudding from the counter, (I was hungry. It takes a long time to find candy.) and finally out on the porch to a horrifying surprise.

I reached into the pitch black cauldron and grabbed a handful of colored candy. But all of a sudden the green, slimy, zombie- who was my uncle- gripped my free hand so tightly that I threw the chocolate pudding- right into his face, tripped over the deck, and got caught in the spider webs draped over the post. Yuck!! The spider webs covered my body from head to toe, coating me in thick white ooze. My uncle looked like he had fallen in a pile of mud with all of that pudding smeared all over him. He took his finger, put it to his face, then ate the pudding. Everybody came out to the deck immediately, looking at me and laughing there heads off. Even I admit I did deserve that for trying to steal candy. Finally my mom helped me out of the disgusting webs. I'm glad that was over, I thought. But now I know never to steal candy, no matter how much I want it, ever again.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea, demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes all parts of the task, even going beyond the limits of the task.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by very effectively using an engaging statement in the beginning of the introduction. (“ Clumsy. The word that fits me perfectly. I'm the clumsiest person in my perfect family. My brother is the careful one in the family. I don't get it. Every time he knocks over a glass, he always gets it before it falls. But when I drop a glass, boy do I make a huge mistake. The glass breaks into pieces before my feet, spearing them like rose thorns. I guess I was just born that way. But that isn't the worst mistake I've made. Let me tell you of the time when I was being so clumsy, that I could have died of embarrassment, shock, and guilt.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the controlling idea very effectively. (“ I reached into the pitch black cauldron and grabbed a handful of colored candy. But all of a sudden the green, slimy, zombie- who was my uncle- gripped my free hand so tightly that I threw the chocolate pudding- right into his face, tripped over the deck, and got caught in the spider webs draped over the post. Yuck!! The spider webs covered my body from head to toe, coating me in thick white ooze. My uncle looked like he had fallen in a pile of mud with all of that pudding smeared all over him. He took his finger, put it to his face, then ate the pudding. Everybody came out to the deck immediately, looking at me and laughing there heads off.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ Let me tell you of the time when I was being so clumsy, that I could have died of embarrassment, shock, and guilt.”)

Content & Development

Very effective content and development are shown in this essay. Ideas are developed fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details for support.

The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“As I came to the top of the stairs, my cousin came and jumped out at me with his goblin mask, scaring me to death. It was a forest green color, looking forbidding. Fake yellow teeth came out of the goblins mouth, in a sort of zig-zag pattern. He chuckled, but I ignored his little joke and feverishly ran out the front door and on to the polished wooden deck. I peeked into their fake pitch black cauldron, held by a gruesome zombie and gave a big smirk. Jackpot.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph very effectively develop the main idea of the topic sentence. (“The very first place I looked was in the basement. They usually keep a bunch of junk down there like old Christmas decorations and other holiday things. It's got to be here somewhere, I thought. I looked all over the place, behind everything and under anything. But the candy was no where. Now I was getting frustrated. The basement was dark, only a small light on the ceiling. Their washer and dryer were in the corner of the puny basement, covered in a cape of darkness. Christmas and other decorations were scattered among the floor, and also stacked in boxes up to the ceiling. I had been looking all over the basement for over a half an hour. Why couldn't I find any candy? They always have some hidden to eat in the night, I thought. Bingo! I knew where the candy was. I rushed up the cold stairs, shivering from the coldness of the small basement. But what I didn't know, was what I would meet at the top of the stairs.”)

The essay includes brief narratives or explanations that tell a small story. (“As I came to the top of the stairs, my cousin came and jumped out at me with his goblin mask, scaring me to death. It was a forest green color, looking forbidding. Fake yellow teeth came out of the goblins mouth, in a sort of zig-zag pattern. He chuckled, but I ignored his little joke and feverishly ran out the front door and on to the polished wooden deck. I peeked into their fake pitch black cauldron, held by a gruesome zombie and gave a big smirk. Jackpot.”)

Organization

The essay shows evidence of very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, effective use of paragraphing, and effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ Clumsy. The word that fits me perfectly. I'm the clumsiest person in my perfect family. My brother is the careful one in the family. I don't get it. Every time he knocks over a glass, he always gets it before it falls. But when I drop a glass, boy do I make a huge mistake. The glass breaks into pieces before my feet, spearing them like rose thorns. I guess I was just born that way. But that isn't the worst mistake I've made. Let me tell you of the time when I was being so clumsy, that I could have died of embarrassment, shock, and guilt.”)

The introduction ends with a very effective thesis statement. (“ Let me tell you of the time when I was being so clumsy, that I could have died of embarrassment, shock, and guilt.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ As I came to the top of the stairs, my cousin came and jumped out at me with his goblin mask, scaring me to death.”)

The conclusion very effectively teaches the readers a lesson the writer learned after completing the essay. (“ Even I admit I did deserve that for trying to steal candy. Finally my mom helped me out of the disgusting webs. I'm glad that was over, I thought. But now I know never to steal candy, no matter how much I want it, ever again.”)

Language Use & Style

Very effective use of language and style is conveyed in this essay. The writing demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. Well-structured and varied sentences are also used.

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay in the presence of strong voice and variety in sentence length. (“ Clumsy. The word that fits me perfectly. I'm the clumsiest person in my perfect family. My brother is the careful one in the family. I don't get it. Every time he knocks over a glass, he always gets it before it falls. But when I drop a glass, boy do I make a huge mistake. The glass breaks into pieces before my feet, spearing them like rose thorns. I guess I was just born that way. But that isn't the worst mistake I've made. Let me tell you of the time when I was being so clumsy, that I could have died of embarrassment, shock, and guilt.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the first two paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ Clumsy. The word that fits me perfectly. I'm the clumsiest person in my perfect family. My brother is the careful one in the family. I don't get it. Every time he knocks over a glass, he always gets it before it falls. But when I drop a glass, boy do I make a huge mistake. The glass breaks into pieces before my feet, spearing them like rose thorns. I guess I was just born that way. But that isn't the worst mistake I've made. Let me tell you of the time when I was being so clumsy, that I could have died of embarrassment, shock, and guilt. …I was about nine years old at the time, and was at my cousin's Halloween party in the year 2006. The fall night's wind was crisp, making my lips chapped as the Sahara desert. The night was quiet, children swarmed the streets, like little revelers. It was a full moon that night, which meant that all the make believe creatures came to life, looking even more grim than before. But I wasn't a creature, I was an evil god. I was the devil. My costume was perfect. It was made out of smooth red velvet, and was short in the front, but long in the back. Red sparkles were dancing in my hair, looking a lot a like my two twisted horns attached to a strap that went around my head. To be honest, I thought I was going to be the best costume there. I also thought I was going to do something clumsy, but I pushed that thought out of my head so I could stay positive. But I had a strong thought that something might happen, and that it was going to be my fault.”)

The complex sentence, “ The fall night's wind was crisp, making my lips chapped as the Sahara desert,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

Very effective control of mechanics and conventions is demonstrated within the essay in question. Few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling can be detected. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ The basement was dark, only a small light on the ceiling. Their washer and dryer were in the corner of the puny basement, covered in a cape of darkness.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I am going to tell you a story of when I was being clumsier than a little boy who has had no sleep in two days. It all happened when I was doing my essay, and I went to get a drink and there were some chairs that were in my way. So I thought that I would try and jump over them. That did not work out to well. I ended up on the ground with a lot of rug burns. They hurt a lot and they had a lot of burns that hurt a lot! I ended up having to put this gross stuff that looked like it was going to take over my body and never let me out of its gooey messy gross body. It was totally disgusting! I am not talking about the kind of disgusting I mean major disguting. It was so foul smelling I almost passed out because it had such a foul scent. My personal opinion was that it was the most smelly thing more smelly than a sunk plus rotten garbage. It was out of the imagination. It was gross out of the imagination.

I felt so embarrassed! In my head I felt like a crazy person who didn't know how to work my body. I felt as if my head were going to explode and that I would not have to ever show my face again. That would have been a good thing! I was so embarrassed because it was common sense to move the chairs to the side. I hated that because I was suppose to be the smarter person of my class. I think that was very stupid that I did not move the chairs. I mean come on humans cannot fly without machinery. I wish I could go home and go to bed wake up and it was all dreams and that no one would ever talk about it again. But of course that did not happen. With something that embarrassing no one would forget in just one day. I just hope that they do forget about it soon. I just wish no one would ever tell me about this thing ever again. But knowing my class they will never forget it.

Thing that was very embarrassing was that everyone started laughing even my teacher. They thought that it was the most funny thing that ever happened. I was so embarrassed that I wished that I could just re-wind my life and try to do it better over and over until I got it right. Almost everyone talked about it for a long time after that none forgetful moment. Then they named my stupid move Super Man. After that few minutes everyone knew about the move Super Man.

From that day on I never tried to fly over the chairs ever again. Ever since everyone still remembers the funniest move that I ever pulled. I hope that that same thing never comes around again. I never want to have to do that ever again. It was so scary!! The burns that I got from the thing hurt a lot. I do not mean a little I mean a lot. I never want to have to try and fly like a bird ever again!!!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are conveyed in the essay. It establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience. Most parts of the task are completed.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by using an interesting statement in the beginning of the introduction. (“ I am going to tell you a story of when I was being clumsier than a little boy who has had no sleep in two days. It all happened when I was doing my essay and I went to get a drink and there were some chairs that were in my way.”)

The language of the thesis fits the effective examples very well. (“ I am going to tell you a story of when I was being clumsier than a little boy who has had no sleep in two days.”)

The writer is focused on the controlling idea with details about his/her clumsy mistake. (“ It all happened when I was doing my essay and I went to get a drink and there were some chairs that were in my way. So I thought that I would try and jump over them. That did not work out to well. I ended up on the ground with a lot of rug burns. They hurt a lot and they had a lot of burns that hurt a lot! I ended up having to put this gross stuff that looked like it was going to take over my body and never let me out of its gooey messy gross body. It was totally disgusting! I am not talking about the kind of disgusting I mean major disguting. It was so foul smelling I almost passed out because it had such a foul scent. My personal opinion was that it was the most smelly thing more smelly than a sunk plus rotten garbage. It was out of the imagination. It was gross out of the imagination. …I felt so embarrassed! In my head I felt like a crazy person who didn't know how to work my body. I felt as if my head were going to explode and that I would not have to ever show my face again. That would have been a good thing!”)

Content & Development

Good content and development are apparent in this essay. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient appropriate details to support ideas.

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“I felt so embarrassed! In my head I felt like a crazy person who didn't know how to work my body. I felt as if my head were going to explode and that I would not have to ever show my face again. That would have been a good thing! I was so embarrassed because it was common sense to move the chairs to the side. I hated that because I was suppose to be the smarter person of my class. I think that was very stupid that I did not move the chairs. I mean come on humans cannot fly without machinery. I wish I could go home and go to bed wake up and it was all dreams and that no one would ever talk about it again. But of course that did not happen. With something that embarrassing no one would forget in just one day. I just hope that they do forget about it soon. I just wish no one would ever tell me about this thing ever again. But knowing my class they will never forget it.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“Thing that was very embarrassing was that everyone started laughing even my teacher. They thought that it was the most funny thing that ever happened. I was so embarrassed that I wished that I could just re-wind my life and try to do it better over and over until I got it right. Almost everyone talked about it for a long time after that none forgetful moment. Then they named my stupid move Super Man. After that few minutes everyone knew about the move Super Man.”)

Specific information about the writer’s clumsy mistake is developed clearly. (“I am going to tell you a story of when I was being clumsier than a little boy who has had no sleep in two days. It all happened when I was doing my essay and I went to get a drink and there were some chairs that were in my way. So I thought that I would try and jump over them. That did not work out to well. I ended up on the ground with a lot of rug burns. They hurt a lot and they had a lot of burns that hurt a lot! I ended up having to put this gross stuff that looked like it was going to take over my body and never let me out of its gooey messy gross body. It was totally disgusting!”)

Organization

The essay in question displays good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and consistent use of transitional devices.

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ I am going to tell you a story of when I was being clumsier than a little boy who has had no sleep in two days.”)

The introduction includes a good sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ I am going to tell you a story of when I was being clumsier than a little boy who has had no sleep in two days.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ From that day on I never tried to fly over the chairs ever again. Ever since everyone still remembers the funniest move that I ever pulled.”)

The conclusion effectively teaches the readers a lesson the writer learned after completing the essay. (“ From that day on I never tried to fly over the chairs ever again. Ever since everyone still remembers the funniest move that I ever pulled. I hope that that same thing never comes around again. I never want to have to do that ever again. It was so scary!! The burns that I got from the thing hurt a lot. I do not mean a little I mean a lot. I never want to have to try and fly like a bird ever again!!!”)

Language Use & Style

Good language use and style are seen in this essay. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. In addition, the writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety.

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay, especially regarding the writer’s use of humor and voice. (“ I am going to tell you a story of when I was being clumsier than a little boy who has had no sleep in two days. It all happened when I was doing my essay, and I went to get a drink and there were some chairs that were in my way. So I thought that I would try and jump over them. That did not work out to well. I ended up on the ground with a lot of rug burns. They hurt a lot and they had a lot of burns that hurt a lot! I ended up having to put this gross stuff that looked like it was going to take over my body and never let me out of its gooey messy gross body. It was totally disgusting! …I felt so embarrassed! In my head I felt like a crazy person who didn't know how to work my body. I felt as if my head were going to explode and that I would not have to ever show my face again. That would have been a good thing! I was so embarrassed because it was common sense to move the chairs to the side.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the first two paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ I am going to tell you a story of when I was being clumsier than a little boy who has had no sleep in two days. It all happened when I was doing my essay, and I went to get a drink and there were some chairs that were in my way. So I thought that I would try and jump over them. That did not work out to well. I ended up on the ground with a lot of rug burns. They hurt a lot and they had a lot of burns that hurt a lot! I ended up having to put this gross stuff that looked like it was going to take over my body and never let me out of its gooey messy gross body. It was totally disgusting! …I felt so embarrassed! In my head I felt like a crazy person who didn't know how to work my body. I felt as if my head were going to explode and that I would not have to ever show my face again. That would have been a good thing! I was so embarrassed because it was common sense to move the chairs to the side. I hated that because I was suppose to be the smarter person of my class. I think that was very stupid that I did not move the chairs. I mean come on humans cannot fly without machinery. I wish I could go home and go to bed wake up and it was all dreams and that no one would ever talk about it again. But of course that did not happen.”)

The compound sentence, “ It all happened when I was doing my essay, and I went to get a drink and there were some chairs that were in my way,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains good control of mechanics and conventions in this essay. A few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are present that do not interfere with the message. For example, most sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ I hated that because I was suppose to be the smarter person of my class. I think that was very stupid that I did not move the chairs.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever made a clumsy mistake? What was it that happened to you? I probaly make a mistake every day.My clumsiest mistake was when I went to this new restraunt that opened up in this mini mall. It was called the CRAZY BUFFET. First I had to make sure it wasn't that "crazy", but it really wasn't.It ended up making me crazy.

Instead of getting little servings at a time to try everything, I got huge servings that were overflowing my plate. My little brother was waddling around & I tripped over him! My plate went flying across the room & broke! I was so embarrassed & so was my dad. My dad was very furious! Luckily, I didn't have to leave the restraunt for what I did. I felt really bad about what I did. After that big mess, we all ate dinner & enjoyed the rest of the night.

Then a new problem came to my attention, Igot the same amount of food that I had last time & couldn't eat it all. I guess my eyes were bigger than my stomache. Did you ever feel that way? So the waitress came & got the food. A few minutes later I was hungry again, but this time my stomache was bigger than my eyes. I wasted two good plates full of food & a glass plate. That made me sad, but it made my dad mad.

Really, what was it that happened to you? What was your feeling inside? My feeling was being embarrassed & I also felt bad for what I did. Don't feel embarrassed for what you did, if you tell what your clumsy mistake was maybe you wont feel bad after all. Everybody has their clumsy mistakes happened to them. If you want you could tell everybody you could even tell the world. Really, that is your opinion, if it was me that's what I would do.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates adequate focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea, demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes many parts of the task.

The thesis statement states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. (“ My clumsiest mistake was when I went to this new restraunt that opened up in this mini mall.”)

The essay understands the intended audience adequately. (“Have you ever made a clumsy mistake? What was it that happened to you? I probaly make a mistake every day.My clumsiest mistake was when I went to this new restraunt that opened up in this mini mall. It was called the CRAZY BUFFET. First I had to make sure it wasn't that ‘crazy’, but it really wasn't.It ended up making me crazy.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience. (“ Really, what was it that happened to you? What was your feeling inside? My feeling was being embarrassed & I also felt bad for what I did. Don't feel embarrassed for what you did, if you tell what your clumsy mistake was maybe you wont feel bad after all. Everybody has their clumsy mistakes happened to them. If you want you could tell everybody you could even tell the world. Really, that is your opinion, if it was me that's what I would do”)

Content & Development

Adequate content and development are evident within this essay. Ideas are developed adequately, using sufficient details for support.

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Then a new problem came to my attention, Igot the same amount of food that I had last time & couldn't eat it all. I guess my eyes were bigger than my stomache. Did you ever feel that way? So the waitress came & got the food. A few minutes later I was hungry again, but this time my stomache was bigger than my eyes. I wasted two good plates full of food & a glass plate. That made me sad, but it made my dad mad.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. At least three details are stated about each main idea. (“Instead of getting little servings at a time to try everything,I got huge servings that were overflowing my plate. My little brother was waddling around & I tripped over him! My plate went flying across the room & broke! I was so embarrassed & so was my dad. My dad was very furious! Luckily, I didn't have to leave the restraunt for what I did. I felt really bad about what I did. After that big mess, we all ate dinner & enjoyed the rest of the night.”)

The essay includes brief narratives or explanations about each of the main ideas. (“Instead of getting little servings at a time to try everything,I got huge servings that were overflowing my plate. My little brother was waddling around & I tripped over him! My plate went flying across the room & broke! I was so embarrassed & so was my dad. My dad was very furious! Luckily, I didn't have to leave the restraunt for what I did. I felt really bad about what I did. After that big mess, we all ate dinner & enjoyed the rest of the night.”)

Organization

This essay is adequately organized. The writing demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion and inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ Have you ever made a clumsy mistake? What was it that happened to you? I probaly make a mistake every day.My clumsiest mistake was when I went to this new restraunt that opened up in this mini mall. It was called the CRAZY BUFFET. First I had to make sure it wasn't that ‘crazy’, but it really wasn't.It ended up making me crazy.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. (“ First I had to make sure it wasn't that ‘crazy’, but it really wasn't. …Then a new problem came to my attention, Igot the same amount of food that I had last time & couldn't eat it all.”)

The conclusion adequately teaches the readers a lesson the writer learned after completing the essay. (“ Really, what was it that happened to you? What was your feeling inside? My feeling was being embarrassed & I also felt bad for what I did. Don't feel embarrassed for what you did, if you tell what your clumsy mistake was maybe you wont feel bad after all. Everybody has their clumsy mistakes happened to them. If you want you could tell everybody you could even tell the world. Really, that is your opinion, if it was me that's what I would do.”)

Language Use & Style

Language use and style are adequate. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. Generally correct sentence structure with some variety is seen throughout the essay.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ Have you ever made a clumsy mistake? What was it that happened to you? I probaly make a mistake every day.My clumsiest mistake was when I went to this new restraunt that opened up in this mini mall. It was called the CRAZY BUFFET. First I had to make sure it wasn't that ‘crazy’, but it really wasn't.It ended up making me crazy.”)

Exact and specific words, such as “clumsy” from the research and prompt task, are used adequately. (“ Have you ever made a clumsy mistake? What was it that happened to you? I probaly make a mistake every day.My clumsiest mistake was when I went to this new restraunt that opened up in this mini mall.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor. For example, “sad” and “mad” from the following excerpt are very general words, and stronger words should be used. (“ That made me sad, but it made my dad mad.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay conveys adequate control over the use of mechanics and conventions. Some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ Have you ever made a clumsy mistake? What was it that happened to you? I probaly make a mistake every day.My clumsiest mistake was when I went to this new restraunt that opened up in this mini mall.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

It was one day and my class was going to do an experiment, so I got my beaker, ingredients, spoon to mix it with, and then I sat at my desk and laid every thing out in front of me. Then my teacher walked in and showed us what ingredient to do first, to last. So I did the steps right except for the last one! I put to much of the ingredient! I was suppost to do two and a half cups but I did three cups! So it right away it shot right up and hit the cilling and when it went back down it made a huge mess! You should of seen my class gasp at the exploding volcano! It went all over my desk and the floor! All it was suppost to do was to overflow on the side of the beaker but I put so much more it didn't do what it was suppost to do. So the rest of my class time I was going to have to clean it up.

The resion why this is a clumsy mistake is that was not suppost to exsplod up and it also made a huge mess!

I am almost glad that I had made that mistake because I learned from it and I will never make that silly mistake again!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay at hand demonstrates limited focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience and only completes some parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“You should of seen my class gasp at the exploding volcano!It went all over my desk and the floor! All it was suppost to do was to overflow on the side of the beaker but I put so much more it didn't do what it was suppost to do. So the rest of my class time I was going to have to clean it up.

…The resion why this is a clumsy mistake is that was not suppost to exsplod up and it also made a huge mess! …I am almost glad that I had made that mistake because I learned from it and I will never make that silly mistake again!”)

The essay states a limited controlling idea of the essay. (“It was one day and my class was going to do an experiment, so I got my beaker, ingredients, spoon to mix it with, and then I sat at my desk and laid every thing out in front of me. Then my teacher walked in and showed us what ingredient to do first, to last. So I did the steps right except for the last one! I put to much of the ingredient! I was suppost to do two and a half cups but I did three cups! So it right away it shot right up and hit the cilling and when it went back down it made a huge mess! …The resion why this is a clumsy mistake is that was not suppost to exsplod up and it also made a huge mess!”)

In the introduction, only a limited supporting idea of the essay is stated. (“It was one day and my class was going to do an experiment, so I got my beaker, ingredients, spoon to mix it with, and then I sat at my desk and laid every thing out in front of me. Then my teacher walked in and showed us what ingredient to do first, to last. So I did the steps right except for the last one! I put to much of the ingredient! I was suppost to do two and a half cups but I did three cups! So it right away it shot right up and hit the cilling and when it went back down it made a huge mess! You should of seen my class gasp at the exploding volcano!It went all over my desk and the floor! All it was suppost to do was to overflow on the side of the beaker but I put so much more it didn't do what it was suppost to do. So the rest of my class time I was going to have to clean it up.”)

Content & Development

This essay consists of limited content and development. Ideas are developed briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details as support.

The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“It was one day and my class was going to do an experiment, so I got my beaker, ingredients, spoon to mix it with, and then I sat at my desk and laid every thing out in front of me. Then my teacher walked in and showed us what ingredient to do first, to last. So I did the steps right except for the last one! I put to much of the ingredient! I was suppost to do two and a half cups but I did three cups! So it right away it shot right up and hit the cilling and when it went back down it made a huge mess! …The resion why this is a clumsy mistake is that was not suppost to exsplod up and it also made a huge mess! …I am almost glad that I had made that mistake because I learned from it and I will never make that silly mistake again!”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“The resion why this is a clumsy mistake is that was not suppost to exsplod up and it also made a huge mess! …I am almost glad that I had made that mistake because I learned from it and I will never make that silly mistake again!”)

The essay does not include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“It was one day and my class was going to do an experiment, so I got my beaker, ingredients, spoon to mix it with, and then I sat at my desk and laid every thing out in front of me. Then my teacher walked in and showed us what ingredient to do first, to last. So I did the steps right except for the last one! I put to much of the ingredient! I was suppost to do two and a half cups but I did three cups! So it right away it shot right up and hit the cilling and when it went back down it made a huge mess! …The resion why this is a clumsy mistake is that was not suppost to exsplod up and it also made a huge mess! …I am almost glad that I had made that mistake because I learned from it and I will never make that silly mistake again!”)

Organization

The essay features limited organization. The writing demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, as well as a lack in paragraphing and some transitional devices.

The introduction includes some background information about the topic. (“ It was one day and my class was going to do an experiment, so I got my beaker, ingredients, spoon to mix it with, and then I sat at my desk and laid every thing out in front of me. Then my teacher walked in and showed us what ingredient to do first, to last. So I did the steps right except for the last one! I put to much of the ingredient!”)

Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. (“ You should of seen my class gasp at the exploding volcano!It went all over my desk and the floor! All it was suppost to do was to overflow on the side of the beaker but I put so much more it didn't do what it was suppost to do. So the rest of my class time I was going to have to clean it up. …The resion why this is a clumsy mistake is that was not suppost to exsplod up and it also made a huge mess! …I am almost glad that I had made that mistake because I learned from it and I will never make that silly mistake again!”)

The conclusion attempts to teach readers a lesson the writer learned from his/her experience. (“ I am almost glad that I had made that mistake because I learned from it and I will never make that silly mistake again!”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in this essay is limited. The writing demonstrates simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and a reliance on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There is repetition, as the phrase “suppost to do” is repeated twice within two consecutive sentences. (“ All it was suppost to do was to overflow on the side of the beaker but I put so much more it didn't do what it was suppost to do.”)

The essay should use more varied and appropriate transitions. (“ All it was suppost to do was to overflow on the side of the beaker but I put so much more it didn't do what it was suppost to do. So the rest of my class time I was going to have to clean it up. …The resion why this is a clumsy mistake is that was not suppost to exsplod up and it also made a huge mess! …I am almost glad that I had made that mistake because I learned from it and I will never make that silly mistake again!”)

The style is not formal. (“ The resion why this is a clumsy mistake is that was not suppost to exsplod up and it also made a huge mess! …I am almost glad that I had made that mistake because I learned from it and I will never make that silly mistake again!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Limited control of mechanics and conventions is apparent in this essay. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“You should of seen my class gasp at the exploding volcano! It went all over my desk and the floor! All it was suppost to do was to overflow on the side of the beaker but I put so much more it didn't do what it was suppost to do. So the rest of my class time I was going to have to clean it up. …The resion why this is a clumsy mistake is that was not suppost to exsplod up and it also made a huge mess!”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

one day when i was four years old i went to school and i had a lot of milk and it was good.When I was there i had to go to the bathroom and i didn't go.When i when to class i rely had to go but i couldn't go because my teacher didn't let me i had to wait till recess but that was like in one hour! After that i told my teacher if i could go and she said no.Then i couldn't hold it so i peed in my pants . And i was embarrassed .everyone was laughing and i whent to the office if i could call

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Minimal focus and meaning are illustrated in this essay. The writer suggests a controlling idea, but demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and completes few parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“one day when i was four years old i went to school and i had a lot of milk and it was good.When I was there i had to go to the bathroom and i didn't go.When i when to class i rely had to go but i couldn't go because my teacher didn't let me i had to wait till recess but that was like in one hour! After that i told my teacher if i could go and she said no.Then i couldn't hold it so i peed in my pants . And i was embarrassed .everyone was laughing and i whent to the office if i could call”)

The essay does not state the controlling idea of the essay. (“one day when i was four years old i went to school and i had a lot of milk and it was good.When I was there i had to go to the bathroom and i didn't go.When i when to class i rely had to go but i couldn't go because my teacher didn't let me i had to wait till recess but that was like in one hour! After that i told my teacher if i could go and she said no.Then i couldn't hold it so i peed in my pants . And i was embarrassed .everyone was laughing and i whent to the office if i could call”)

The writing style is not appropriate for the audience. (“one day when i was four years old i went to school and i had a lot of milk and it was good.When I was there i had to go to the bathroom and i didn't go.When i when to class i rely had to go but i couldn't go because my teacher didn't let me i had to wait till recess but that was like in one hour! After that i told my teacher if i could go and she said no.Then i couldn't hold it so i peed in my pants . And i was embarrassed .everyone was laughing and i whent to the office if i could call”)

Content & Development

Content within this essay is minimally developed. Ideas are developed incompletely and inadequately, using few details as support.

The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“one day when i was four years old i went to school and i had a lot of milk and it was good.When I was there i had to go to the bathroom and i didn't go.When i when to class i rely had to go but i couldn't go because my teacher didn't let me i had to wait till recess but that was like in one hour! After that i told my teacher if i could go and she said no.Then i couldn't hold it so i peed in my pants . And i was embarrassed .everyone was laughing and i whent to the office if i could call”)

Each main idea should be written as topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“one day when i was four years old i went to school and i had a lot of milk and it was good.When I was there i had to go to the bathroom and i didn't go.When i when to class i rely had to go but i couldn't go because my teacher didn't let me i had to wait till recess but that was like in one hour! After that i told my teacher if i could go and she said no.Then i couldn't hold it so i peed in my pants . And i was embarrassed .everyone was laughing and i whent to the office if i could call”)

Details are minimally used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“one day when i was four years old i went to school and i had a lot of milk and it was good.When I was there i had to go to the bathroom and i didn't go.When i when to class i rely had to go but i couldn't go because my teacher didn't let me i had to wait till recess but that was like in one hour! After that i told my teacher if i could go and she said no.Then i couldn't hold it so i peed in my pants . And i was embarrassed .everyone was laughing and i whent to the office if i could call”)

Organization

Minimal organization is evident within the essay. It demonstrates little evidence of structure with no discernible introduction and conclusion, as well as little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of a good introduction. (“one day when i was four years old i went to school and i had a lot of milk and it was good.When I was there i had to go to the bathroom and i didn't go.When i when to class i rely had to go but i couldn't go because my teacher didn't let me i had to wait till recess but that was like in one hour! After that i told my teacher if i could go and she said no.Then i couldn't hold it so i peed in my pants . And i was embarrassed .everyone was laughing and i whent to the office if i could call”)

The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“one day when i was four years old i went to school and i had a lot of milk and it was good.When I was there i had to go to the bathroom and i didn't go.When i when to class i rely had to go but i couldn't go because my teacher didn't let me i had to wait till recess but that was like in one hour! After that i told my teacher if i could go and she said no.Then i couldn't hold it so i peed in my pants . And i was embarrassed .everyone was laughing and i whent to the office if i could call”)

The essay does little to include a strong conclusion. (“one day when i was four years old i went to school and i had a lot of milk and it was good.When I was there i had to go to the bathroom and i didn't go.When i when to class i rely had to go but i couldn't go because my teacher didn't let me i had to wait till recess but that was like in one hour! After that i told my teacher if i could go and she said no.Then i couldn't hold it so i peed in my pants . And i was embarrassed .everyone was laughing and i whent to the office if i could call”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in this essay is minimal. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ When i when to class i rely had to go but i couldn't go because my teacher didn't let me i had to wait till recess but that was like in one hour!”)

Exact words are missing, as in the following incomplete sentence taken from the essay: “ And i was embarrassed .everyone was laughing and i whent to the office if i could call.”

The style is not formal. (“ one day when i was four years old i went to school and i had a lot of milk and it was good.When I was there i had to go to the bathroom and i didn't go.When i when to class i rely had to go but i couldn't go because my teacher didn't let me i had to wait till recess but that was like in one hour! After that i told my teacher if i could go and she said no.Then i couldn't hold it so i peed in my pants . And i was embarrassed .everyone was laughing and i whent to the office if i could call”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s grasp of the mechanics and conventions of standard written English is minimal. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. The essay does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“one day when i was four years old i went to school and i had a lot of milk and it was good. …And i was embarrassed .everyone was laughing and i whent to the office if i could call”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

you see i had gon to my frind's house and on my way home but a ladygot in my way. i went to the left she whent to my left i ran her over and she got all mad i feel into a dog's yare the dog bit me on my buttoks that was the waost day of my life that hurt my but. i had fun ther.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning within this essay are inadequate. The writer fails to establish a controlling idea and demonstrates no understanding of purpose and audience. No parts of the task are completed.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“you see i had gon to my frind's house and on my way home but a ladygot in my way. i went to the left she whent to my left i ran her over and she got all mad i feel into a dog's yare the dog bit me on my buttoks that was the waost day of my life that hurt my but. i had fun ther.”)

The essay does not state the controlling idea of the essay. (“you see i had gon to my frind's house and on my way home but a ladygot in my way. i went to the left she whent to my left i ran her over and she got all mad i feel into a dog's yare the dog bit me on my buttoks that was the waost day of my life that hurt my but. i had fun ther.”)

In the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is not stated. (“you see i had gon to my frind's house and on my way home but a ladygot in my way. i went to the left she whent to my left i ran her over and she got all mad i feel into a dog's yare the dog bit me on my buttoks that was the waost day of my life that hurt my but. i had fun ther.”)

Content & Development

The content and development within this brief essay are inadequate. The writer fails to develop ideas, using few, if any, details as support.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the controlling idea of the essay. (“you see i had gon to my frind's house and on my way home but a ladygot in my way. i went to the left she whent to my left i ran her over and she got all mad i feel into a dog's yare the dog bit me on my buttoks that was the waost day of my life that hurt my but. i had fun ther.”)

At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. (“you see i had gon to my frind's house and on my way home but a ladygot in my way. i went to the left she whent to my left i ran her over and she got all mad i feel into a dog's yare the dog bit me on my buttoks that was the waost day of my life that hurt my but. i had fun ther.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“you see i had gon to my frind's house and on my way home but a ladygot in my way. i went to the left she whent to my left i ran her over and she got all mad i feel into a dog's yare the dog bit me on my buttoks that was the waost day of my life that hurt my but. i had fun ther.”)

Organization

The essay contains inadequate organization. It demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion, as well as no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a good introduction. (“you see i had gon to my frind's house and on my way home but a ladygot in my way. i went to the left she whent to my left i ran her over and she got all mad i feel into a dog's yare the dog bit me on my buttoks that was the waost day of my life that hurt my but. i had fun ther.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“you see i had gon to my frind's house and on my way home but a ladygot in my way. i went to the left she whent to my left i ran her over and she got all mad i feel into a dog's yare the dog bit me on my buttoks that was the waost day of my life that hurt my but. i had fun ther.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“you see i had gon to my frind's house and on my way home but a ladygot in my way. i went to the left she whent to my left i ran her over and she got all mad i feel into a dog's yare the dog bit me on my buttoks that was the waost day of my life that hurt my but. i had fun ther.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in the essay is inadequate. The writing demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ i went to the left she whent to my left i ran her over and she got all mad i feel into a dog's yare the dog bit me on my buttoks that was the waost day of my life that hurt my but. i had fun ther.”)

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ i had fun ther.”)

Exact words are missing. (“you see i had gon to my frind's house and on my way home but a ladygot in my way. i went to the left she whent to my left i ran her over and she got all mad i feel into a dog's yare the dog bit me on my buttoks that was the waost day of my life that hurt my but. i had fun ther.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“you see i had gon to my frind's house and on my way home but a ladygot in my way. i went to the left she whent to my left i ran her over and she got all mad i feel into a dog's yare the dog bit me on my buttoks that was the waost day of my life that hurt my but. i had fun ther.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay conveys inadequate control over the use of mechanics and conventions in standard written English. Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“you see i had gon to my frind's house and on my way home but a ladygot in my way. i went to the left she whent to my left i ran her over and she got all mad i feel into a dog's yare the dog bit me on my buttoks that was the waost day of my life that hurt my but. i had fun ther.”)

A Day at Home

Imagine that a major storm is in your area, and all school and work is canceled for the day. You and your family now have a chance to spend the day together at home. What are some fun activities you would do to make this day special?

In a well-developed essay, describe the activities that you would do with your family on a day that you have off from school and work because of a major storm. Include examples and details to support your description.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Plop,plop,plop.....I hear the sound of the rain drops hitting my roof. As a big lightning bolt strikes the gray, gloomy clouds, the dark sky lightens. The sky is like a busy city, filled with grayness, thunder, lightning, and rain. I see my dad’s dark blue truck covered in rain drops. The short, green grass is drowning in a tall layer of mud. Down along the road, like a little stream, runs the trickling water. Everyone is home today! The storm is keeping our family huddled in our home, sort of like prisoners, but not really that bad. Both of my parents are home due to the weather. My Dad has decided to work from home and my mom will keep us occupied. A stormy day is always something out of the ordinary for our family.

"Erin!" my mom yells, "Come on, we’re going to start baking our cookies!" I ran out onto the tiled floor kitchen and slid across the room with my fuzzy blue socks. The blue bag of flour, the cold tan eggs, the medium-sized peach bowl, the semi-sweet chocolate chips, and all the other ingredients sat on the counter next to the oven that was in the middle of pre-heating. I went over to the closet where I knew the mixer was stored and searched for it. I took it and laid it next to the eggs. I then took a measuring cup and filled it with flour. I handed it to Ian, my little brother, and he poured it in. Emily, my older sister, then cracked the eggs. All of the other ingredients were then equally poured in, and they were ready for baking. I got the two, large, shiny, silver cookie sheets out and my mom put the little cookie dough balls on. We all sat around the table and talked, while the cookies were baking.

Decidedly, we were devising a plan for the day that would keep us occupied during the storm. The plan would have to include things that everyone would like: games, songs, snacks, and movies. For games, we would play cards and board games. We would sing songs that you hear around a campfire like "Old MacDonald" and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star". The snacks were my favorite part and with our sweet, chocolate chip cookies already sizzling in the oven, I could just look forward to the tall glasses of cold milk that would be served with them later in the day. I was hoping that we would cap off the day with a viewing of my favorite movie, "Finding Nemo". I knew it would be a good choice because my baby brother could watch it too.

Finally, when the cookies were finished baking and sitting on a cooling rack, we got out a deck of cards. Emily took the white cards out with the little red designs all over, and started shuffling the deck. She dealt them, giving us seven cards each, and we started playing. We were playing "Go Fish" because it was the only game Ian knew how to play. After the first game, my dad came out from the computer room and joined us. We played several games, over and over again. After the ninth game, the bright, yellow, kitchen light above our heads started to flicker on and off. Ian got scared, stopped playing cards, and ran to the gray couch to curl up in blankets. He did not want to look out from under his blankets. Fear was now the only thing he could see. When the flickering stopped, my mom went around, lighting a candle in each room. Emily and I went through the house looking for flashlights. Ten minutes later, the lights flickered again, and all the power went out.

Not surprisingly, all the digital clocks quickly turned to black. Darkness surrounded us like the cold, blue water when you jump into a swimming pool. I walked into the living room and from there I could see where the computer was. The screen was dark like the night sky. The sun gave us very little light because it was hiding behind the big, dark, gray clouds. The majority of the light we did have was coming from the flickering candles in the rooms. I went back into the kitchen searching for a flashlight that I just recently used. Once I found it, my mom called me out to the porch. She wanted me to listen to the big raindrops hit the roof and see the big strikes of lightning charge up the sky. It was quite a display of light and sound! The rain was pouring out of the heavens pretty hard now, and it almost looked like it was the middle of the night outside. After an hour or so, we returned inside because it started to get chilly. Ian then ran upstairs and returned, stumbling back down with three board games. The pile of games seemed almost taller than he was! The five of us sat down and played the games while enjoying our milk and scrumptious cookies we had made earlier.

My day at home was fun, even with the rain pouring down and the lights out. I enjoyed the cookies the most and the time I spent with my family. That is my day at home with a major storm in my area. Even though the occurrence of storms is not frequent where I live, I really soaked up the love and attention I received at home that day. I can’t wait for the storm clouds to roll back in on another day!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides very effective focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience. The essay satisfies all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task.

The essay grabs readers’ attention by very effectively using an interesting statement, a question, or an engaging statement in the beginning of the introduction. The writer uses very descriptive language to put readers in the scene and reveals later in the introduction that “Everyone is home today!” (“ Plop,plop,plop.....I hear the sound of the rain drops hitting my roof. As a big lightning bolt strikes the gray, gloomy clouds, the dark sky lightens. The sky is like a busy city, filled with grayness, thunder, lightning, and rain. I see my dad’s dark blue truck covered in rain drops. The short, green grass is drowning in a tall layer of mud. Down along the road, like a little stream, runs the trickling water. Everyone is home today!”)

The writer maintains focus on the purpose of the writing task throughout the entire response. All of the details used in the essay relate to the central idea very effectively. (“ Decidedly, we were devising a plan for the day that would keep us occupied during the storm. The plan would have to include things that everyone would like: games, songs, snacks, and movies. For games, we would play cards and board games. We would sing songs that you hear around a campfire like "Old MacDonald" and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star". The snacks were my favorite part and with our sweet, chocolate chip cookies already sizzling in the oven, I could just look forward to the tall glasses of cold milk that would be served with them later in the day.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ The storm is keeping our family huddled in our home, sort of like prisoners, but not really that bad. Both of my parents are home due to the weather. My Dad has decided to work from home and my mom will keep us occupied. A stormy day is always something out of the ordinary for our family.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea, using details about the specific activities the family chooses to participate in together. (“ Finally, when the cookies were finished baking and sitting on a cooling rack, we got out a deck of cards. Emily took the white cards out with the little red designs all over, and started shuffling the deck. She dealt them, giving us seven cards each, and we started playing. We were playing "Go Fish" because it was the only game Ian knew how to play. After the first game, my dad came out from the computer room and joined us. We played several games, over and over again.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development of ideas in the essay response. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details to support his/her ideas.

Relevant points very effectively explain and illustrate the activities, problems, and solutions the family in the essay experience. For example, readers can easily imagine the fear the youngest child experiences as the power goes out in the house. (“After the ninth game, the bright, yellow, kitchen light above our heads started to flicker on and off. Ian got scared, stopped playing cards, and ran to the gray couch to curl up in blankets. He did not want to look out from under his blankets. Fear was now the only thing he could see. When the flickering stopped, my mom went around, lighting a candle in each room. Emily and I went through the house looking for flashlights. Ten minutes later, the lights flickered again, and all the power went out.”)

The writer provides supporting details that develop the examples well. (“Not surprisingly, all the digital clocks quickly turned to black. Darkness surrounded us like the cold, blue water when you jump into a swimming pool. I walked into the living room and from there I could see where the computer was. The screen was dark like the night sky. The sun gave us very little light because it was hiding behind the big, dark, gray clouds. The majority of the light we did have was coming from the flickering candles in the rooms.”)

The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain the paragraph’s main idea. The writer provides very descriptive scenarios that assist readers in really “seeing” what the day is like for the family in the essay. (“I went back into the kitchen searching for a flashlight that I just recently used. Once I found it, my mom called me out to the porch. She wanted me to listen to the big raindrops hit the roof and see the big strikes of lightning charge up the sky. It was quite a display of light and sound! The rain was pouring out of the heavens pretty hard now, and it almost looked like it was the middle of the night outside. After an hour or so, we returned inside because it started to get chilly.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph very effectively develop the main idea of the topic sentence. The writer creates scenes that readers can easily relate to. For example, many children can recall stormy days where being stuck in the house meant an afternoon of baking and playing games. (“Come on, we’re going to start baking our cookies!" I ran out onto the tiled floor kitchen and slid across the room with my fuzzy blue socks. The blue bag of flour, the cold tan eggs, the medium-sized peach bowl, the semi-sweet chocolate chips, and all the other ingredients sat on the counter next to the oven that was in the middle of pre-heating. I went over to the closet where I knew the mixer was stored and searched for it. I took it and laid it next to the eggs. I then took a measuring cup and filled it with flour. I handed it to Ian, my little brother, and he poured it in. Emily, my older sister, then cracked the eggs. All of the other ingredients were then equally poured in, and they were ready for baking. I got the two, large, shiny, silver cookie sheets out and my mom put the little cookie dough balls on. We all sat around the table and talked, while the cookies were baking.”)

Organization

The organization of this essay is very effective. The writer demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. The effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout the response provides flow and sequence.

The essay demonstrates a very effective introduction and includes very descriptive background information to set the scene for readers. (“ Plop,plop,plop.....I hear the sound of the rain drops hitting my roof. As a big lightning bolt strikes the gray, gloomy clouds, the dark sky lightens. The sky is like a busy city, filled with grayness, thunder, lightning, and rain. I see my dad’s dark blue truck covered in rain drops. The short, green grass is drowning in a tall layer of mud. Down along the road, like a little stream, runs the trickling water. Everyone is home today! The storm is keeping our family huddled in our home, sort of like prisoners, but not really that bad. Both of my parents are home due to the weather. My Dad has decided to work from home and my mom will keep us occupied. A stormy day is always something out of the ordinary for our family.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ Finally, when the cookies were finished baking and sitting on a cooling rack, we got out a deck of cards. Emily took the white cards out with the little red designs all over, and started shuffling the deck. She dealt them, giving us seven cards each, and we started playing. We were playing "Go Fish" because it was the only game Ian knew how to play. After the first game, my dad came out from the computer room and joined us.”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion. (“ My day at home was fun, even with the rain pouring down and the lights out. I enjoyed the cookies the most and the time I spent with my family. That is my day at home with a major storm in my area. Even though the occurrence of storms is not frequent where I live, I really soaked up the love and attention I received at home that day. I can’t wait for the storm clouds to roll back in on another day!”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is very effective in the essay response. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of his/her intended audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences enhances the effectiveness of the essay response.

The language and tone of the writer’s examples are consistent throughout the essay. (“ Not surprisingly, all the digital clocks quickly turned to black. Darkness surrounded us like the cold, blue water when you jump into a swimming pool. I walked into the living room and from there I could see where the computer was. The screen was dark like the night sky. The sun gave us very little light because it was hiding behind the big, dark, gray clouds. The majority of the light we did have was coming from the flickering candles in the rooms. I went back into the kitchen searching for a flashlight that I just recently used. Once I found it, my mom called me out to the porch.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling thesis statement of the essay. (“ My day at home was fun, even with the rain pouring down and the lights out. I enjoyed the cookies the most and the time I spent with my family. That is my day at home with a major storm in my area. Even though the occurrence of storms is not frequent where I live, I really soaked up the love and attention I received at home that day. I can’t wait for the storm clouds to roll back in on another day!”)

The compound/complex sentences are used very effectively. (“ All of the other ingredients were then equally poured in, and they were ready for baking. I got the two, large, shiny, silver cookie sheets out and my mom put the little cookie dough balls on. We all sat around the table and talked, while the cookies were baking.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of conventions and mechanics. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s overall message.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each new paragraph is identified by a line break, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ Ian then ran upstairs and returned, stumbling back down with three board games. The pile of games seemed almost taller than he was! The five of us sat down and played the games while enjoying our milk and scrumptious cookies we had made earlier.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I woke up and I saw the ground completely white and sparkly with at least a foot of snow on the ground. The trees around my house looked like they were about to fall over due to all the thick, white, powdery snow. I heard soft quiet voices from the kitchen. It was my mom and my dad. I wandered out into the kitchen only to discover that my parents were also covered in snow! I asked them why they were home. Well, I knew why they were all white off course. Shoveling the driveway and clearing the walkways had proven futile for both of them. I knew they should have been at work. They told me that they couldn’t even get down the driveway due to the massive amounts of snow. They told me that they would be stuck at home all day long due to the weather and that they had all ready called into work to say they would not be able to make it.

I had figured out on my own that we would not have school so I had a whole day with my mom, dad, and my brother. The first thing we did was eat a delicious breakfast. For breakfast, we had eggs, bacon, and orange juice, along with my dad’s special potatoes with seasonings. My, were they good! We had a really hardy breakfast because my parents were home and they had the time to cook it, unlike working days when they normally could not. After we all cleaned up from breakfast, we all sat down together and played a game of Life. My dad won the game because he got to the end of the road first.

For lunch, we had toasted cheese sandwiches and tomato soup to keep us warm. After we cleaned up, we decided that we should go watch a movie downstairs on the TV. My brother and I were allowed to pick the movie. We chose Because of Winn Dixie. We all fell asleep during the movie because we were so relaxed and comfortable. For the rest of the afternoon we played a game of monopoly. The game was so prolonged that nobody even won and it was time for my mom to make dinner for us.

We had a great dinner! It was grilled cheeseburgers from the griddle. We also had French fries with our dinner. After our dinner, we cleaned up and looked through our backpacks for school. We finally got our showers, cleaned up, and got ready for bed. We all put on our pajamas and packed our lunches for the next day. Before we knew it, it was 9:30 pm and time to go to bed.

All in all, we had a great day at home trying to survive the long day off. I had a great day with my family. Out of all the wonderful activities we did together, playing the game of Life was the best. I really hope that we have another massive snow storm again soon so that I can relive this day with my family all over again.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides good focus and meaning in this task response. The writer establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose of his/her intended audience. The essay satisfies most parts of the prompt task.

The essay grabs readers’ attention by using an engaging scenario at the beginning of the introduction. (“ I woke up and I saw the ground completely white and sparkly with at least a foot of snow on the ground. The trees around my house looked like they were about to fall over due to all the thick, white, powdery snow. I heard soft quiet voices from the kitchen. It was my mom and my dad. I wandered out into the kitchen only to discover that my parents were also covered in snow!”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central controlling idea. (“ Shoveling the driveway and clearing the walkways had proven futile for both of them. I knew they should have been at work. They told me that they couldn’t even get down the driveway due to the massive amounts of snow. They told me that they would be stuck at home all day long due to the weather and that they had all ready called into work to say they would not be able to make it.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very well. (“ I had figured out on my own that we would not have school so I had a whole day with my mom, dad, and my brother. The first thing we did was eat a delicious breakfast. For breakfast, we had eggs, bacon, and orange juice, along with my dad’s special potatoes with seasonings. My, were they good! We had a really hardy breakfast because my parents were home and they had the time to cook it, unlike working days when they normally could not.”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea, using details about the activities the family participates in to pass the hours on a day at home due to a storm. (“ For lunch, we had toasted cheese sandwiches and tomato soup to keep us warm. After we cleaned up, we decided that we should go watch a movie downstairs on the TV. My brother and I were allowed to pick the movie. We chose Because of Winn Dixie. We all fell asleep during the movie because we were so relaxed and comfortable. For the rest of the afternoon we played a game of monopoly. The game was so prolonged that nobody even won and it was time for my mom to make dinner for us.”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development in the essay response. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient appropriate details to support his/her ideas.

There are good supporting details that develop each of the writer’s examples well. (“We had a great dinner! It was grilled cheeseburgers from the griddle. We also had French fries with our dinner. After our dinner, we cleaned up and looked through our backpacks for school. We finally got our showers, cleaned up, and got ready for bed. We all put on our pajamas and packed our lunches for the next day. Before we knew it, it was 9:30 pm and time to go to bed.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“All in all, we had a great day at home trying to survive the long day off. I had a great day with my family. Out of all the wonderful activities we did together, playing the game of Life was the best. I really hope that we have another massive snow storm again soon so that I can relive this day with my family all over again.”)

Specific details about the way the family spends their day are developed clearly. (“I had figured out on my own that we would not have school so I had a whole day with my mom, dad, and my brother. The first thing we did was eat a delicious breakfast. For breakfast, we had eggs, bacon, and orange juice, along with my dad’s special potatoes with seasonings. My, were they good! We had a really hardy breakfast because my parents were home and they had the time to cook it, unlike working days when they normally could not. After we all cleaned up from breakfast, we all sat down together and played a game of Life. My dad won the game because he got to the end of the road first.”)

Organization

There is good organization of main ideas and supporting details in the essay. The writer demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices used in the essay, which assist in the flow of the story and support sequential development.

The essay adequately grabs readers’ attention in the introduction and includes adequate background information about the topic. (“ I woke up and I saw the ground completely white and sparkly with at least a foot of snow on the ground. The trees around my house looked like they were about to fall over due to all the thick, white, powdery snow. I heard soft quiet voices from the kitchen. It was my mom and my dad. I wandered out into the kitchen only to discover that my parents were also covered in snow! I asked them why they were home. Well, I knew why they were all white off course. Shoveling the driveway and clearing the walkways had proven futile for both of them. I knew they should have been at work. They told me that they couldn’t even get down the driveway due to the massive amounts of snow. They told me that they would be stuck at home all day long due to the weather and that they had all ready called into work to say they would not be able to make it.”)

T ransitional devices such as “after,” “before,” and “all in all” from the MY Access! Word Bank adequately connect the writer’s ideas between sentences. (“ After our dinner, we cleaned up and looked through our backpacks for school. We finally got our showers, cleaned up, and got ready for bed. We all put on our pajamas and packed our lunches for the next day. Before we knew it, it was 9:30 pm and time to go to bed. All in all, we had a great day at home trying to survive the long day off. I had a great day with my family. Out of all the wonderful activities we did together, playing the game of Life was the best.”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion. (“ All in all, we had a great day at home trying to survive the long day off. I had a great day with my family. Out of all the wonderful activities we did together, playing the game of Life was the best. I really hope that we have another massive snow storm again soon so that I can relive this day with my family all over again.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay provides good language use, voice, and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of his/her intended audience. The use of well-structured sentences with some variety is also evident.

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“ I woke up and I saw the ground completely white and sparkly with at least a foot of snow on the ground. The trees around my house looked like they were about to fall over due to all the thick, white, powdery snow. I heard soft quiet voices from the kitchen. It was my mom and my dad. I wandered out into the kitchen only to discover that my parents were also covered in snow! I asked them why they were home. Well, I knew why they were all white off course. Shoveling the driveway and clearing the walkways had proven futile for both of them.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling thesis statement of the essay. (“ I knew they should have been at work. They told me that they couldn’t even get down the driveway due to the massive amounts of snow. They told me that they would be stuck at home all day long due to the weather and that they had all ready called into work to say they would not be able to make it. I had figured out on my own that we would not have school so I had a whole day with my mom, dad, and my brother. The first thing we did was eat a delicious breakfast.”)

The writer effectively creates compound/complex sentences to express his/her experiences. (“ Out of all the wonderful activities we did together, playing the game of Life was the best. I really hope that we have another massive snow storm again soon so that I can relive this day with my family all over again.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits good control of conventions and mechanics in the essay response. There are only a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have subject-verb agreement, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences begin with capital letters, and correct spelling is applied. (“We had a really hardy breakfast because my parents were home and they had the time to cook it, unlike working days when they normally could not. After we all cleaned up from breakfast, we all sat down together and played a game of Life. My dad won the game because he got to the end of the road first.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

One of the best days was when we had a snowstorm. It was up to my knees and so cold. I was lucky because I got to have my cousins over for a week. The people that were there were Mom, Kyle, Brandi, my two brothers Caden and Devan, Jarrett, and me. When we all heard that there was no school, we were glad that we didn’t have to go into the harsh weather. On the television it said that thirteen car accidents had already occurred. One of the accidents went into the river and all the people died. I wish that I didn’t hear about it.

We were all very hungry so the girls made a breakfast buffet for breakfast. In the buffet there was bacon, cinnamon rolls, eggs, sausage, pancakes, fruit, and toast. It was really delicious. We all were starving. After that, we played all the games that we liked. We played Monopoly, Phase 10, Play Station 2, and magnets where you could use the magnets and make faces. It was really fun.

I wish the fun did not end. When mom was tired and fell asleep, Brandi and I would watch Caden while watching a movie. Everything was calm, and also very quiet. Brandi, Kyle, and Jarrett were excited about staying every night for the whole week. They had to, because the doors would not open. They were covered with ice, as were our windows too. There was no getting in or out of our house.

The really nasty thing about this week was that we couldn’t use clean bathwater. It was awesome that we weren’t that dirty. It took three men to get the ice off the doors and the windows. After they did that, we were finally freed! Brandi, Kyle, and Jarrett left the next day after dinner. It was time for them to go home. The house was so quiet after they left. I got bored and went back to bed. When I woke up, I went to see if mom was there. She was downstairs; she was just sleeping. I guess she was tired by all of us and all the winter fun we had!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is adequate focus and meaning provided in the response. The writer establishes a controlling idea and demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience. The essay satisfies many parts of the task.

The thesis statement reveals the controlling idea of the essay and the point of view of the writer adequately. (“ One of the best days was when we had a snowstorm. It was up to my knees and so cold. I was lucky because I got to have my cousins over for a week.”)

The essay understands the intended audience adequately. (“When we all heard that there was no school, we were glad that we didn’t have to go into the harsh weather. On the television it said that thirteen car accidents had already occurred. One of the accidents went into the river and all the people died. I wish that I didn’t hear about it.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“ We were all very hungry so the girls made a breakfast buffet for breakfast. In the buffet there was bacon, cinnamon rolls, eggs, sausage, pancakes, fruit, and toast. It was really delicious. We all were starving.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content provided in this essay is adequate. The writer develops ideas adequately by using sufficient details to support ideas.

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“We were all very hungry so the girls made a breakfast buffet for breakfast. In the buffet there was bacon, cinnamon rolls, eggs, sausage, pancakes, fruit, and toast. It was really delicious. We all were starving. After that, we played all the games that we liked. We played Monopoly, Phase 10, Play Station 2, and magnets where you could use the magnets and make faces. It was really fun.”)

The main idea of each body paragraph supports the thesis adequately. (“I wish the fun did not end. When mom was tired and fell asleep, Brandi and I would watch Caden while watching a movie. Everything was calm, and also very quiet. Brandi, Kyle, and Jarrett were excited about staying every night for the whole week. They had to, because the doors would not open. They were covered with ice, as were our windows too. There was no getting in or out of our house.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. However, the writer should keep in mind that there should be at least three details stated about each main idea. In doing so, the writer will provide a clearer picture for readers of his/her experiences. For example, the writer mentions a problem with water during the storm, but misses the opportunity to elaborate further about why the water was dirty in the first place. (“ The really nasty thing about this week was that we couldn’t use clean bathwater. It was awesome that we weren’t that dirty. It took three men to get the ice off the doors and the windows. After they did that, we were finally freed!”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is adequate. The writer demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is adequate use of paragraphing and subtle transitional devices, which maintain sequence and flow throughout the essay.

The essay demonstrates a good introduction. (“ One of the best days was when we had a snowstorm. It was up to my knees and so cold. I was lucky because I got to have my cousins over for a week. The people that were there were Mom, Kyle, Brandi, my two brothers Caden and Devan, Jarrett, and me. When we all heard that there was no school, we were glad that we didn’t have to go into the harsh weather.”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. However, the writer should go to the MY Access! Word Bank to discover stronger transitions. (“ After that, we played all the games that we liked. We played Monopoly, Phase 10, Play Station 2, and magnets where you could use the magnets and make faces. It was really fun.”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“ It was time for them to go home. The house was so quiet after they left. I got bored and went back to bed. When I woke up, I went to see if mom was there. She was downstairs; she was just sleeping. I guess she was tired by all of us and all the winter fun we had!”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is adequate. The essay provides appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ The house was so quiet after they left. I got bored and went back to bed. When I woke up, I went to see if mom was there. She was downstairs; she was just sleeping. I guess she was tired by all of us and all the winter fun we had!”)

The writer often chooses simple words to convey ideas. The writer should go to the MY Access! Word Bank to gather more words to enhance his/her writing.

The writer maintains adequate voice and awareness of audience throughout the essay. (“ The really nasty thing about this week was that we couldn’t use clean bathwater. It was awesome that we weren’t that dirty. It took three men to get the ice off the doors and the windows. After they did that, we were finally freed!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is adequate control of conventions and mechanics in the essay. There may be some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should ensure sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with punctuation marks, sentences are indented or show line breaks when beginning a new paragraph, and sentences begin with capital letters. (“ I wish the fun did not end. When mom was tired and fell asleep, Brandi and I would watch Caden while watching a movie. Everything was calm, and also very quiet. Brandi, Kyle, and Jarrett were excited about staying every night for the whole week. They had to, because the doors would not open. They were covered with ice, as were our windows too. There was no getting in or out of our house.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

"Kirsten it is time to get up and remember to were warm cloths ok." said mom kirsten said. "Ok mom." So I got up and got ready for the day. "Kirsten you aren’t going to school today because its it is a snow storm out side so mom and I are going to have every one stay home and play games and do what ever you whont ok." said Dad "Ok, so can we play High school Musical sing it?" asked Kirsten Dad said "thats ok if you let me play." Kirsten said "Of coarse you can play every one can play." So we played High School Musical sing it, then we played D.D.R and the disney D.D.R, then we ate lunch and we ate sandwiches and chips that was a go sandwich and thows were some good chips.

" Hay mom can we play Dill or no Dill?" asked Brooke "Of coarse we can." said Mom. "Ok lets play, but can I be Howie." asked Kirsten "Yes you can." said Derek. So we played dill or no Dill for the next hower , then we wocht a movie and the movie was called The Game Plan and that was so much fun because that was the frist time we wocht that movie I thot it was so good and sad at some parts. Then we had dinner and then we played the last game and it was called clue. After that we got ready for bed. And we went to bed.

"Mom I cant go to sleep." said kirsten "just try Kirsten." Mom said "Ok mom good night." said Kirsten. So the next morning we got ready for school and my mom and dad said that we can go to school to day because it was not as bad as yesterday. So when I whent to school everyone was talking abut yesterday. "Hay Amanda that was a bad snow storm yesterday." said Kirsten Amanda said "I know we just played games yesterday." "same here." said kirsten "My mom said that if it gets wors then she will check me out." said Kirsten.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer’s ability to provide focus and meaning in the essay is limited. The writer establishes a controlling idea, but demonstrates little understanding of the complete purpose of the writing task and intended audience. However, the writer does manage to satisfy some parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the writer does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay seems to be a simple recollection of a few conversations during the course of a day at home, rather than painting a picture for the audience of what a day at home during a storm is like for this writer. (“ "Hay mom can we play Dill or no Dill?" asked Brooke "Of coarse we can." said Mom. "Ok lets play, but can I be Howie." asked Kirsten "Yes you can." said Derek.”)

The essay states a limited central/controlling idea of the essay. (“ "Kirsten you aren’t going to school today because its it is a snow storm out side so mom and I are going to have every one stay home and play games and do what ever you whont ok." said Dad”)

The writing style is not always appropriate for the audience. (“So we played High School Musical sing it, then we played D.D.R and the disney D.D.R, then we ate lunch and we ate sandwiches and chips that was a go sandwich and thows were some good chips.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas with supporting details and content is limited in the essay response. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support ideas.

The essay uses limited detail to illustrate the main ideas. For example, in revealing some of the activities the family participated in during the storm, the writer misses opportunities to elaborate in greater detail about the things they did together as a family. Instead, readers are provided with a list of activities rather than a story with rich supporting details. (“So we played High School Musical sing it, then we played D.D.R and the disney D.D.R, then we ate lunch and we ate sandwiches and chips that was a go sandwich and thows were some good chips.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. The writer strays from the day at home to discuss events the following day at school and uses a whole body paragraph to do so. (“ So the next morning we got ready for school and my mom and dad said that we can go to school to day because it was not as bad as yesterday. So when I whent to school everyone was talking abut yesterday.”)

The explanations and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“ "Hay mom can we play Dill or no Dill?" asked Brooke "Of coarse we can." said Mom. "Ok lets play, but can I be Howie." asked Kirsten "Yes you can." said Derek.”) The writer could have gone into greater detail about how the game was played, revealed some of the dialogue during the game, or told readers whose team won. Instead, the writer provides only a simple statement that the game was played by the family. The writer should include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate each main idea. In doing so, the writer will provide a clearer picture for readers of what a day at home is like.

Organization

The essay’s organization is limited. Although the writer demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, it lacks effective paragraphing and transitional devices, which would enhance the flow and sequence of the writer’s response.

The essay attempts to grab readers’ attention in the introduction by including a quotation from the main character. By using this opening, the writer immediately puts readers in the middle of the main character’s home and the situation that has led to the day at home. (“ "Kirsten it is time to get up and remember to were warm cloths ok." said mom kirsten said. "Ok mom." So I got up and got ready for the day. "Kirsten you aren’t going to school today because its it is a snow storm out side so mom and I are going to have every one stay home and play games and do what ever you whont ok." said Dad”)

Although there is some evidence of subtle t ransitional devices used between sentences to help connect ideas within paragraphs, the writer would benefit from using more obvious transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) to help the essay move from one main idea to the next, especially between paragraphs. (“ Then we had dinner and then we played the last game and it was called clue. After that we got ready for bed. And we went to bed.”) Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a strong conclusion. In the essay response, the writer does not summarize the main points of the essay. In fact, readers could get a sense that the writer was not quite finished writing the story because the ideas were not wrapped up in any way. (“ "Hay Amanda that was a bad snow storm yesterday." said Kirsten Amanda said "I know we just played games yesterday." "same here." said kirsten "My mom said that if it gets wors then she will check me out." said Kirsten.”)

Language Use & Style

There is limited language use, voice, and style presented in the essay. The writer demonstrates simple language and word choices and some awareness of audience and control of voice, but relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ So we played dill or no Dill for the next hower , then we wocht a movie and the movie was called The Game Plan and that was so much fun because that was the frist time we wocht that movie I thot it was so good and sad at some parts.”)

The lengths of some of the sentences are short. (“ After that we got ready for bed. And we went to bed.”)

The essay uses the same group of words to begin sentences in the story. The writer should strive to create sentences that have more variety in word choice and structure. (“… "Ok mom."… "Ok, so can we play…. "Ok lets play, but…"Ok mom good night."”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ So we played High School Musical sing it, then we played D.D.R and the disney D.D.R, then we ate lunch and we ate sandwiches and chips that was a go sandwich and thows were some good chips.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits limited control of conventions and mechanics in the essay. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The essay should be proofread for spelling errors. In addition, the writer needs to make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. (“ So we played dill or no Dill for the next hower , then we wocht a movie and the movie was called The Game Plan and that was so much fun because that was the frist time we wocht that movie I thot it was so good and sad at some parts.”)

Clicking on MY Editor will assist the writer in discovering more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I’m in my house sitting and watching T.V. while a storm running. The house is freezing so we drink hot choclate to keep us warm. My brother has a basket ball game but it is snowing so it will probly be called off. I really like days that I dont have school because we have no homework. Thats very good but the weather is not good.

My brother and I play videogames. We are champions in them. We love them. They are very good. They are very cool.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is minimal focus and meaning in the essay response. The writer suggests a controlling idea, but demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose of the writing task and the intended audience. The writer completes few parts of the task.

The essay does not state the controlling idea of the essay clearly. (“I’m in my house sitting and watching T.V. while a storm running.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“The house is freezing so we drink hot choclate to keep us warm. My brother has a basket ball game but it is snowing so it will probly be called off.”)

The writing style is not appropriate for the audience. The writer does not provide meaningful focus on the activities he/she would participate in if the weather forced the writer to spend a day at home with his/her family. The writer’s ability to inform his/her readers falls short in the response. (“My brother and I play videogames. We are champions in them. We love them. They are very good. They are very cool.”)

Content & Development

The content and development of ideas in the essay are minimal at best. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using very few details to support his/her ideas.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s thesis statement. (“I really like days that I dont have school because we have no homework. Thats very good but the weather is not good.”)

In this two-paragraph essay response, the writer does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. Each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“I’m in my house sitting and watching T.V. while a storm running. The house is freezing so we drink hot choclate to keep us warm. My brother has a basket ball game but it is snowing so it will probly be called off. I really like days that I dont have school because we have no homework. Thats very good but the weather is not good.”)

Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. The writer can include details in the form of examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The use of these forms of evidence will create a more effective, enriching message for the intended audience. (“My brother and I play videogames. We are champions in them. We love them. They are very good. They are very cool.”)

Organization

The writer provides minimal organization in the essay response. The essay exhibits little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. The lack of effective paragraphing and transitional devices is also evident.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of a good introduction. The writer does little to grab readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ I’m in my house sitting and watching T.V. while a storm running. The house is freezing so we drink hot choclate to keep us warm.”) The writer does not clearly state the purpose or controlling idea of the essay in the introductory paragraph.

There is no evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) can help the essay move from one main idea to the next. Instead, the essay consists of short sentences that leave the response choppy, inconsistent, and ineffective. (“ My brother has a basket ball game but it is snowing so it will probly be called off. I really like days that I dont have school because we have no homework. Thats very good but the weather is not good.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. It does not summarize the main points of the essay or leave the readers with something to think about. (“ My brother and I play videogames. We are champions in them. We love them. They are very good. They are very cool.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style on the part of the writer is minimal in the essay response. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience. There are basic errors in sentence structure and usage that interfere with the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

The lengths of some of the sentences are short, and the writer chooses very simple vocabulary to express his/her experiences. (“ We love them. They are very good.”) These choices do not allow for more elaborate details to create a mental picture for readers of what the writer’s day at home is really like. The response lacks a strong voice to reveal the writer’s thoughts and experiences.

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience.

(“ Thats very good but the weather is not good.”) The writer misses opportunities to elaborate on ideas that could have assisted readers in understanding and appreciating the writer’s experiences.

The writer does not employ a tone or style to the essay response. Readers are given very general details that do not effectively convey the types of activities or experiences the writer has with his/her family during a day at home. The writer loses sight of the intended audience by providing details that are too sketchy for readers to appreciate or visualize. Readers cannot share in the writer’s experiences because there are simply not enough details to support the writer’s ideas. (“My brother has a basket ball game but it is snowing so it will probly be called off. I really like days that I dont have school because we have no homework.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is minimal control of conventions and mechanics in the essay. The writer commits patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

Although the writer provides appropriate capitalization and punctuation in the essay response, there are spelling errors and lack of appropriately placed apostrophes, which detract from the quality of the response. (“The house is freezing so we drink hot choclate to keep us warm. My brother has a basket ball game but it is snowing so it will probly be called off. I really like days that I dont have school because we have no homework. Thats very good but the weather is not good.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

if there was ever a storm i wouldnt stay at home. i would probally go out and hang with my freinds. so first i would probally go hang with my freind zach and we would go out and do some snow drifting in the moarning for a couple hours. then I would come back home and play some ps2 for a while. finally i would get bored and go to a freinds house and chill for the rest of the nite.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. The essay fails to establish a controlling idea and reflects very little understanding of the purpose of the prompt task and audience. In essence, the writer does not satisfy the requirements of the writing task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“ if there was ever a storm i wouldnt stay at home. i would probally go out and hang with my freinds.”)

The essay does state a very brief controlling idea, but does not discuss a day at home. Rather, the writer discusses a day away from home. (“ if there was ever a storm i wouldnt stay at home. i would probally go out and hang with my freinds.”)

The essay lacks meaningful experiences that would serve to enlighten readers as to what the writer would do with an opportunity to spend time with his/her family during a storm. (“ i would probally go hang with my freind zach and we would go out and do some snow drifting in the moarning for a couple hours.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content in the essay is inadequate at best. The essay fails to develop ideas, using no details for support. The writer misses the opportunity to elaborate with examples of activities he/she would do with his/her family to pass the time at home during a storm.

There is little evidence used to explain the central idea of the essay. (“ i would probally go out and hang with my freinds. so first i would probally go hang with my freind zach and we would go out and do some snow drifting in the moarning for a couple hours.”)

Details are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Details could include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations. The writer did not choose to elaborate or provide enriching examples to convey his/her experiences to the intended audience. (“finally i would get bored and go to a freinds house and chill for the rest of the nite.”)

There are no main ideas in body paragraphs because the writer produced a response that is only one paragraph in length. (“if there was ever a storm i wouldnt stay at home. i would probally go out and hang with my freinds. so first i would probally go hang with my freind zach and we would go out and do some snow drifting in the moarning for a couple hours. then I would come back home and play some ps2 for a while. finally i would get bored and go to a freinds house and chill for the rest of the nite.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no engaging introduction or conclusion. There is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices to promote sequential development of ideas throughout the essay response. The essay demonstrates no evidence of a good introduction. It does not grab readers’ attention in any way because it does not include a question, a quotation, or an interesting fact or statistic. (“ if there was ever a storm i wouldnt stay at home. i would probally go out and hang with my freinds.”)

T ransitional devices are used, although scarcely, to help connect ideas. Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) helps the essay move from one main idea to the next. Effective transitional devices could have been used if the essay response contained more content, details, and examples to illustrate the writer’s experiences. (“ then I would come back home and play some ps2 for a while. finally i would get bored and go to a freinds house and chill for the rest of the nite.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that leaves readers with something to think about. (“ finally i would get bored and go to a freinds house and chill for the rest of the nite.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style in the essay is inadequate. The essay presents unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay uses the same words to express the writer’s activities on a day off. The content is repetitious. (“ i would probally go out and hang with my freinds. so first i would probally go hang with my freind zach …”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose of the task to the intended audience. (“ i would get bored and go to a freinds house and chill for the rest of the nite.”)

The writer does not demonstrate strong voice or awareness of audience in the essay response. (“if there was ever a storm i wouldnt stay at home. i would probally go out and hang with my freinds.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The control of conventions and mechanics in the essay is inadequate. There are major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s intended message.

Although the writer employs subject-verb agreement and appropriate punctuation, the spelling and capitalization errors detract from the overall quality and message of the response. (“if there was ever a storm i wouldnt stay at home. i would probally go out and hang with my freinds. so first i would probally go hang with my freind zach and we would go out and do some snow drifting in the moarning for a couple hours. then I would come back home and play some ps2 for a while. finally i would get bored and go to a freinds house and chill for the rest of the nite.”)

An effective essay should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and that each sentence begins with a capital letter.

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Ancient Civilizations

Think about an ancient civilization you have studied. What was life like? How was it similar to life today? How was it different?

Write an essay in which you describe the civilization you chose and compare it to life today.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Ancient Egypt and the U.S. today are very different subjects to talk about. For instance, people do not realize the many differences and similarities these two time periods and places have. Some may know about ancient Egypt and the U.S. today, but never see how they connect if they are so far from each other in location and time. There are both similarities and differences between the U.S. today and Ancient Egypt in writing, homes, funerals, government, and art.

Firstly, writing is a common bond between everyone. Some are writing right this moment. Many have wondered where writing came from. Well writing came from ancient Egypt . In ancient Egypt writers were called scribes. Back then they used symbols, hieroglyphics, and cuneiform to send a message or record something important. They used material called papyrus to write on. The material was like paper. Papyrus is made of a reed plant. Today, people do not use all the symbols and confusing writing. People use letters to communicate and drawings. The paper is no longer made from papyrus, it is made from trees. Ink is used to put writing on paper.

Secondly, the houses of Ancient Egypt and the United States today are also very different. Today, most people live in houses made of cement and wood. Ancient Egyptians, on the other hand, used mud bricks, straw, and more mud. Mud bricks were made out of mud, and Egyptians put straw with the mud bricks to make them stronger. They dried out the mud bricks, and they put them together with more mud. Today, stone bricks are used, and instead of mud people use cement to put them together. Wood and nails are also used for building houses. The wood is held together by the nails and is formed in many ways.

Next, the funerals in modern U.S. and Ancient Egypt are very different. In the U.S. coffins are used to put people in them. Clothes are also put on the body so they could look nice when they are put in their coffins. The coffin gets buried, and the people who go to the funerals wear black. In Egypt , it is more complicated than that. They take all of the person’s organs and brain out. After that is done they put all the organs and brain material in a jar. Egyptians used a material called linen to wrap the body of the dead person. Sometimes the mummies wore masks made of gold.

Government is another topic where similarities and differences exist. In the U.S. there have been many people in charge for centuries. Those people are called presidents. Before the president can become president he has to do many things. He needs to run for president. That means the person needs to get the most votes all over the country than his or her opponents. He also needs to have good ideas. On the other hand, in Egypt the ruler only had to do one thing to become ruler. He or she had to come from a line of rulers. The ruler was called a pharaoh. The pharaoh did not have to have good ideas to be pharaoh. Sometimes the pharaoh was really unfair. It did not matter because he was in charge.

Finally, art is something that was very important in Ancient Egypt. Art is also very common in the U.S. Some of the examples of art are sculptures, paintings, and clay models. In the U.S. art is for showing, using, or wearing. In Egypt artists were called artisans. Pharaohs in Egypt were the ones who had most of the art made. Pharaohs had jewelry made for them. They also used art for decorating their homes. There was a machine called a potter's wheel that was used for sculpting clay. People today still use the potter's wheel for the fun of it, but there are more advanced machines that do the sculptures better and faster.

Although there are many differences between Ancient Egypt and the U.S. today, you can see that there are also many similarities. It might have been neat to live back in the days of Egypt , but I think I’ll take modern times.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are conveyed in this essay. It establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea, demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes all parts of the task, even going beyond the limits of the task.

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central idea very effectively. (“ Firstly, writing is a common bond between everyone. Some are writing right this moment. Many have wondered where writing came from. Well writing came from ancient Egypt . In ancient Egypt writers were called scribes. Back then they used symbols, hieroglyphics, and cuneiform to send a message or record something important. They used material called papyrus to write on. The material was like paper. Papyrus is made of a reed plant. Today, people do not use all the symbols and confusing writing. People use letters to communicate and drawings. The paper is no longer made from papyrus, it is made from trees. Ink is used to put writing on paper.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ There are both similarities and differences between the U.S. today and Ancient Egypt in writing, homes, funerals, government, and art.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with details about the similarities and differences between Ancient Egypt and the U.S. today. (“ Secondly, the houses of Ancient Egypt and the United States today are also very different. Today, most people live in houses made of cement and wood. Ancient Egyptians, on the other hand, used mud bricks, straw, and more mud. Mud bricks were made out of mud, and Egyptians put straw with the mud bricks to make them stronger. They dried out the mud bricks, and they put them together with more mud. Today, stone bricks are used, and instead of mud people use cement to put them together. Wood and nails are also used for building houses. The wood is held together by the nails and is formed in many ways.”)

Content & Development

This essay consists of very effective content and development. Ideas are developed fully and artfully using a wide variety of appropriate details for support.

The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“Government is another topic where similarities and differences exist. In the U.S. there have been many people in charge for centuries. Those people are called presidents. Before the president can become president he has to do many things. He needs to run for president. That means the person needs to get the most votes all over the country than his or her opponents. He also needs to have good ideas. On the other hand, in Egypt the ruler only had to do one thing to become ruler. He or she had to come from a line of rulers. The ruler was called a pharaoh. The pharaoh did not have to have good ideas to be pharaoh. Sometimes the pharaoh was really unfair. It did not matter because he was in charge.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (“Next, the funerals in modern U.S. and Ancient Egypt are very different. In the U.S. coffins are used to put people in them. Clothes are also put on the body so they could look nice when they are put in their coffins. The coffin gets buried, and the people who go to the funerals wear black. In Egypt , it is more complicated than that. They take all of the person’s organs and brain out. After that is done they put all the organs and brain material in a jar. Egyptians used a material called linen to wrap the body of the dead person. Sometimes the mummies wore masks made of gold.”)

Specific information about Ancient Egyptian culture is developed very effectively. (“Finally, art is something that was very important in Ancient Egypt. Art is also very common in the U.S. Some of the examples of art are sculptures, paintings, and clay models. In the U.S. art is for showing, using, or wearing. In Egypt artists were called artisans. Pharaohs in Egypt were the ones who had most of the art made. Pharaohs had jewelry made for them. They also used art for decorating their homes. There was a machine called a potter's wheel that was used for sculpting clay. People today still use the potter's wheel for the fun of it, but there are more advanced machines that do the sculptures better and faster.”)

Organization

Very effective organization is seen in this essay. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, effective use of paragraphing, and effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The introduction ends with a very effective thesis statement. (“ There are both similarities and differences between the U.S. today and Ancient Egypt in writing, homes, funerals, government, and art.”)

The introduction includes very effective background information about the topic. (“ Ancient Egypt and the U.S. today are very different subjects to talk about. For instance, people do not realize the many differences and similarities these two time periods and places have. Some may know about ancient Egypt and the U.S. today, but never see how they connect if they are so far from each other in location and time. There are both similarities and differences between the U.S. today and Ancient Egypt in writing, homes, funerals, government, and art.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ Finally, art is something that was very important in Ancient Egypt.”)

Language Use & Style

Very effective use of language and style is apparent in the essay. The writing demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience; well-structured and varied sentences are also used.

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“ Secondly, the houses of Ancient Egypt and the United States today are also very different. Today, most people live in houses made of cement and wood. Ancient Egyptians, on the other hand, used mud bricks, straw, and more mud. Mud bricks were made out of mud, and Egyptians put straw with the mud bricks to make them stronger. They dried out the mud bricks, and they put them together with more mud. Today, stone bricks are used, and instead of mud people use cement to put them together. Wood and nails are also used for building houses. The wood is held together by the nails and is formed in many ways. …Next, the funerals in modern U.S. and Ancient Egypt are very different. In the U.S. coffins are used to put people in them. Clothes are also put on the body so they could look nice when they are put in their coffins. The coffin gets buried, and the people who go to the funerals wear black. In Egypt , it is more complicated than that. They take all of the person’s organs and brain out. After that is done they put all the organs and brain material in a jar. Egyptians used a material called linen to wrap the body of the dead person. Sometimes the mummies wore masks made of gold.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the first two body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ Firstly, writing is a common bond between everyone. Some are writing right this moment. Many have wondered where writing came from. Well writing came from ancient Egypt . In ancient Egypt writers were called scribes. Back then they used symbols, hieroglyphics, and cuneiform to send a message or record something important. They used material called papyrus to write on. The material was like paper. Papyrus is made of a reed plant. Today, people do not use all the symbols and confusing writing. People use letters to communicate and drawings. The paper is no longer made from papyrus, it is made from trees. Ink is used to put writing on paper. …Secondly, the houses of Ancient Egypt and the United States today are also very different. Today, most people live in houses made of cement and wood. Ancient Egyptians, on the other hand, used mud bricks, straw, and more mud. Mud bricks were made out of mud, and Egyptians put straw with the mud bricks to make them stronger. They dried out the mud bricks, and they put them together with more mud. Today, stone bricks are used, and instead of mud people use cement to put them together. Wood and nails are also used for building houses. The wood is held together by the nails and is formed in many ways.”)

The following compound sentence is used effectively: “ Mud bricks were made out of mud, and Egyptians put straw with the mud bricks to make them stronger.”

Mechanics & Conventions

Very effective control of mechanics and conventions is demonstrated in the essay. Few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling exist. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ Government is another topic where similarities and differences exist. In the U.S. there have been many people in charge for centuries. Those people are called presidents.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

One ancient civilization I have studied is ancient Greece . This civilization is very similar to our modern America . And yet, it is so unique. We share so many things with it such as drama, warfare, the Olympics, philosophy, and architecture. Our own capitol bases it's architecture on Greece . But really, there is so much more to Greece than people may think.

Before we can understand Greece , we must understand it's geography. Greece was not one nation. It was many city states, or polis'. It was what you would call maritime. Not one part of Greece is more than eighty miles away from the sea! The mainland of Greece was a series of penninsulas. Wow!

The Greeks were polytheistic, meaning, they believed in many gods. The gods played a very important role in this civilization. When people didn't fully understand something, they used the gods as an explaination. This helped create some wonderful literature such as Homer's The Oddessy, myths. But today, hardly anyone is Polytheistic. The Olympics, which take place today, were religous festivals for the god Zeus. Now, they are just for entertainent. Also, the Greeks came together once every four years for it. There was an "Olympic peace," this meant no polis' or city states could fight with each other. The Olympics included many games such as the very popular race in armor, no-rules wrestling, javelin, and many more. These games also served as a training for war. Only free Greek men could attend, and rich foreinners, who bribed the preists who ran it.

The Greeks had one major crop that served them for everything; the olive. They used it for everything! Soaps, oils, food, they used the leaves to make crowns for the Olympics. They enjoyed everything beautiful. Beautiful mind, beautiful body. And also, Americans, enjoy beauty. There were many philosophers from that time. Three are Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato, they each had their own beliefs. Today, like the Greeks, we have many philosophers, but unlike that time, they are greatly valued. In ancient Greece people did not like the philosophers.

The Greeks invented drama, something we have today. But they didn't have all of the different types as we do such as comedy, reality, science fiction, musicals, and much more. Oh no, the Greeks had only two; comedies and tradgedies. And unfortuntely, women were not allowed to act in the plays. Because of this, men had to play all the roles. So, to keep it belivable, everyone wore masks. That's where the two masks come from for the symbol of drama.

As you can see, we get a lot from the Greeks. They are very similar and very different from us. Thank you Greece !

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay shows evidence of good focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea, demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes most parts of the task.

The essay understands the intended audience well. (“ The Greeks had one major crop that served them for everything; the olive. They used it for everything! Soaps, oils, food, they used the leaves to make crowns for the Olympics. They enjoyed everything beautiful. Beautiful mind, beautiful body. And also, Americans, enjoy beauty. There were many philosophers from that time. Three are Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato, they each had their own beliefs. Today, like the Greeks, we have many philosophers, but unlike that time, they are greatly valued. In ancient Greece people did not like the philosophers.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the controlling idea regarding the similarities and differences between Ancient Greece and the U.S. today. (“ The Greeks invented drama, something we have today. But they didn't have all of the different types as we do such as comedy, reality, science fiction, musicals, and much more. Oh no, the Greeks had only two; comedies and tradgedies. And unfortuntely, women were not allowed to act in the plays. Because of this, men had to play all the roles. So, to keep it belivable, everyone wore masks. That's where the two masks come from for the symbol of drama.”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea, which includes details about the similarities and differences between an ancient civilization, Greece , and the modern U.S. (“ The Greeks had one major crop that served them for everything; the olive. They used it for everything! Soaps, oils, food, they used the leaves to make crowns for the Olympics. They enjoyed everything beautiful. Beautiful mind, beautiful body. And also, Americans, enjoy beauty. There were many philosophers from that time. Three are Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato, they each had their own beliefs. Today, like the Greeks, we have many philosophers, but unlike that time, they are greatly valued. In ancient Greece people did not like the philosophers.”)

Content & Development

Content and development contained within this essay are good. Ideas are developed clearly using sufficient, appropriate details as support.

The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“The Greeks were polytheistic, meaning, they believed in many gods. The gods played a very important role in this civilization. When people didn't fully understand something, they used the gods as an explaination. This helped create some wonderful literature such as Homer's The Oddessy, myths. But today, hardly anyone is Polytheistic. The Olympics, which take place today, were religous festivals for the god Zeus. Now, they are just for entertainent. Also, the Greeks came together once every four years for it. There was an ‘Olympic peace,’ this meant no polis' or city states could fight with each other. The Olympics included many games such as the very popular race in armor, no-rules wrestling, javelin, and many more. These games also served as a training for war. Only free Greek men could attend, and rich foreinners, who bribed the preists who ran it.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of each topic sentence. (“The Greeks invented drama, something we have today. But they didn't have all of the different types as we do such as comedy, reality, science fiction, musicals, and much more. Oh no, the Greeks had only two; comedies and tradgedies. And unfortuntely, women were not allowed to act in the plays. Because of this, men had to play all the roles. So, to keep it belivable, everyone wore masks. That's where the two masks come from for the symbol of drama.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“The Greeks were polytheistic, meaning, they believed in many gods. The gods played a very important role in this civilization. When people didn't fully understand something, they used the gods as an explaination. This helped create some wonderful literature such as Homer's The Oddessy, myths. But today, hardly anyone is Polytheistic. The Olympics, which take place today, were religous festivals for the god Zeus. Now, they are just for entertainent. Also, the Greeks came together once every four years for it. There was an ‘Olympic peace,’ this meant no polis' or city states could fight with each other. The Olympics included many games such as the very popular race in armor, no-rules wrestling, javelin, and many more. These games also served as a training for war. Only free Greek men could attend, and rich foreinners, who bribed the preists who ran it.”)

Organization

Good organization is apparent in this essay. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and consistent use of transitional devices.

The introduction includes adequate background information about the topic. (“ One ancient civilization I have studied is ancient Greece . This civilization is very similar to our modern America . And yet, it is so unique. We share so many things with it such as drama, warfare, the Olympics, philosophy, and architecture. Our own capitol bases it's architecture on Greece . But really, there is so much more to Greece than people may think.”)

The introduction includes a good sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ One ancient civilization I have studied is ancient Greece . This civilization is very similar to our modern America . And yet, it is so unique. We share so many things with it such as drama, warfare, the Olympics, philosophy, and architecture. Our own capitol bases it's architecture on Greece . But really, there is so much more to Greece than people may think.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ Before we can understand Greece , we must understand it's geography.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates good use of language and style. The essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; well-structured sentences with some variety are also used.

The language and tone are consistent. (“ Before we can understand Greece , we must understand it's geography. Greece was not one nation. It was many city states, or polis'. It was what you would call maritime. Not one part of Greece is more than eighty miles away from the sea! The mainland of Greece was a series of penninsulas. Wow! … As you can see, we get a lot from the Greeks. They are very similar and very different from us. Thank you Greece !”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the first and second body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ Before we can understand Greece , we must understand it's geography. Greece was not one nation. It was many city states, or polis'. It was what you would call maritime. Not one part of Greece is more than eighty miles away from the sea! The mainland of Greece was a series of penninsulas. Wow! ...The Greeks were polytheistic, meaning, they believed in many gods. The gods played a very important role in this civilization. When people didn't fully understand something, they used the gods as an explaination. This helped create some wonderful literature such as Homer's The Oddessy, myths. But today, hardly anyone is Polytheistic. The Olympics, which take place today, were religous festivals for the god Zeus. Now, they are just for entertainent. Also, the Greeks came together once every four years for it. There was an ‘Olympic peace,’ this meant no polis' or city states could fight with each other. The Olympics included many games such as the very popular race in armor, no-rules wrestling, javelin, and many more. These games also served as a training for war. Only free Greek men could attend, and rich foreinners, who bribed the preists who ran it.”)

The following compound-complex sentence is used effectively: “ Today, like the Greeks, we have many philosophers, but unlike that time, they are greatly valued.”

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of mechanics and conventions is seen in this essay. Few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling do not interfere with the message. For example, m ost sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ The Greeks had one major crop that served them for everything; the olive. They used it for everything!”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Life in the ancient civilization days was different than today because they had no medicines, no electricity, and their religion was different. But instead years went buy life became more civilized.

Myan's life wasn’t always easy because when people were sick, injured, or down with the flu they had to have came up with their own medicines. In the ancient days it was discovered that the ancient Egyptians were among the first to use certain herbs and drugs as a form of medicines. But in the days that we live in today its easy to just go to a clinic nearby and get cough syrup or a medicine we need without having to make it.

With no electricity back than the myans used candles. They made alot of candles by scratch, they also built all sorts of other things. Unlike today electricity's a very big thing and people all over the world use it .Instead of us making things by scratch we have factories and large machines that do that for us.

The ancient civilizatons living was not as good as ours today now we have electricity, medicines, and everyone gets to decide what religion they want. But the myans lives were crazy because they were always sacrificing. If we do that today will probably go to jail or get sentenced to death. Today’s laws were different, but back in the ancient days they were free to do whatever they wanted whenever they wanted.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Adequate focus and meaning are conveyed in this essay about the Mayan civilization. The writer establishes a controlling idea, demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes many parts of the task.

The thesis states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. (“Life in the ancient civilization days was different than today because they had no medicines, no electricity,and their religion was different. But instead years went buy life became more civilized.”)

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. (“Myan's life wasn’t always easy because when people were sick, injured, or down with the flu they had to have came up with their own medicines. In the ancient days it was discovered that the ancient Egyptians were among the first to use certain herbs and drugs as a form of medicines. But in the days that we live in today its easy to just go to a clinic nearby and get cough syrup or a medicine we need without having to make it.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“ Life in the ancient civilization days was different than today because they had no medicines, no electricity, and their religion was different.”)

Content & Development

The essay is made up of adequate content and development. The writer develops ideas adequately using sufficient details for support.

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Myan's life wasn’t always easy because when people were sick, injured, or down with the flu they had to have came up with their own medicines. In the ancient days it was discovered that the ancient Egyptians were among the first to use certain herbs and drugs as a form of medicines. But in the days that we live in today its easy to just go to a clinic nearby and get cough syrup or a medicine we need without having to make it.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“Myan's life wasn’t always easy because when people were sick, injured, or down with the flu they had to have came up with their own medicines. In the ancient days it was discovered that the ancient Egyptians were among the first to use certain herbs and drugs as a form of medicines. But in the days that we live in today its easy to just go to a clinic nearby and get cough syrup or a medicine we need without having to make it.”)

The essay includes facts and statistics, examples, brief narratives, or explanations about each of the main ideas. (“Myan's life wasn’t always easy because when people were sick, injured, or down with the flu they had to have came up with their own medicines. In the ancient days it was discovered that the ancient Egyptians were among the first to use certain herbs and drugs as a form of medicines. But in the days that we live in today its easy to just go to a clinic nearby and get cough syrup or a medicine we need without having to make it.”)

Organization

The essay exhibits adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, inconsistent use of paragraphing, and inconsistent use of transitional devices.

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. (“ In the ancient days it was discovered that the ancient Egyptians were among the first to use certain herbs and drugs as a form of medicines. But in the days that we live in today its easy to just go to a clinic nearby and get cough syrup or a medicine we need without having to make it.”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“ The ancient civilizatons living was not as good as ours today now we have electricity, medicines, and everyone gets to decide what religion they want. But the myans lives were crazy because they were always sacrificing. If we do that today will probably go to jail or get sentenced to death. Today’s laws were different, but back in the ancient days they were free to do whatever they wanted whenever they wanted.”)

The conclusion adequately leaves readers with something to think about. (“ The ancient civilizatons living was not as good as ours today now we have electricity, medicines, and everyone gets to decide what religion they want. But the myans lives were crazy because they were always sacrificing. If we do that today will probably go to jail or get sentenced to death. Today’s laws were different, but back in the ancient days they were free to do whatever they wanted whenever they wanted.”)

Language Use & Style

Language use and style seen in this essay are adequate. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice; correct sentence structure with some variety is also generally used.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ With no electricity back than the myans used candles. They made alot of candles by scratch, they also built all sorts of other things. Unlike today electricity's a very big thing and people all over the world use it .Instead of us making things by scratch we have factories and large machines that do that for us.”)

Exact and specific words, such as “different” and “civilization” from the research and prompt task, are used adequately. (“ Life in the ancient civilization days was different than today because they had no medicines, no electricity, and their religion was different. But instead years went buy life became more civilized.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor; for example, the use of the generic term “thing” in the second body paragraph: “ Unlike today electricity's a very big thing and people all over the world use it .Instead of us making things by scratch we have factories and large machines that do that for us.”

Mechanics & Conventions

Adequate control of mechanics and conventions is shown in this essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, m any sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ Myan's life wasn’t always easy because when people were sick, injured, or down with the flu they had to have came up with their own medicines.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In Ancient China, they had lots of things that was different and similar to us today. Their life was more difficult than us right now. Clothing was one of the things that was different. Ancient China had lots of other things that was similar and different from like we have today.

Back then in Ancient China, they wore toonics (long t-shirts). Women wore long toonics that go all the way to the ground with belts and men wore shorter ones that go down all the way to their knees. Sometimes they wore jacket over their toonics. In the winter people wore padded jackets over the toonics and sometimes pants under them. They don't really have a choice of what to wear everyday but maybe the emperor got to choose what type of color and style. Poor people have to wear either black or blue and only rich people get to wear colors. Now, you acctually get to wear almost whatever you want. No matter what if you are rich or poor you get your choice to wear any color unless you are under this rule or something. Women and men have a choice of what they wear, not just tunics. In the winter, they wear big jackets that keep you really warm.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay shows limited focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea, but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience, completing only some parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“They don't really have a choice of what to wear everyday but maybe the emperor got to choose what type of color and style.”)

In the introduction, only a limited supporting idea of the essay is stated. (“In Ancient China, they had lots of things that was different and similar to us today. Their life was more difficult than us right now. Clothing was one of the things that was different. Ancient China had lots of other things that was similar and different from like we have today.”)

The point of view or argument of the essay is only limitedly stated in the introduction. (“In Ancient China, they had lots of things that was different and similar to us today. Their life was more difficult than us right now. Clothing was one of the things that was different. Ancient China had lots of other things that was similar and different from like we have today.”)

Content & Development

The essay consists of limited content and development. Ideas are developed briefly and inconsistently using insufficient details as support.

The essay uses limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Back then in Ancient China, they wore toonics (long t-shirts). Women wore long toonics that go all the way to the ground with belts and men wore shorter ones that go down all the way to their knees. Sometimes they wore jacket over their tunics. In the winter people wore padded jackets over the toonics and sometimes pants under them. They don't really have a choice of what to wear everyday but maybe the emperor got to choose what type of color and style. Poor people have to wear either black or blue and only rich people get to wear colors. Now, you acctually get to wear almost whatever you want. No matter what if you are rich or poor you get your choice to wear any color unless you are under this rule or something. Women and men have a choice of what they wear, not just tunics. In the winter, they wear big jackets that keep you really warm.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“Back then in Ancient China, they wore toonics (long t-shirts). Women wore long toonics that go all the way to the ground with belts and men wore shorter ones that go down all the way to their knees. Sometimes they wore jacket over their tunics. In the winter people wore padded jackets over the toonics and sometimes pants under them.”)

The writer includes relevant points only regarding the similarities and differences in clothing between Ancient China and today. (“Back then in Ancient China, they wore toonics (long t-shirts). Women wore long toonics that go all the way to the ground with belts and men wore shorter ones that go down all the way to their knees. Sometimes they wore jacket over their tunics. In the winter people wore padded jackets over the toonics and sometimes pants under them. They don't really have a choice of what to wear everyday but maybe the emperor got to choose what type of color and style. Poor people have to wear either black or blue and only rich people get to wear colors. Now, you acctually get to wear almost whatever you want. No matter what if you are rich or poor you get your choice to wear any color unless you are under this rule or something. Women and men have a choice of what they wear, not just tunics. In the winter, they wear big jackets that keep you really warm.”)

Organization

This essay shows evidence of limited organization. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, but lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices.

The introduction includes some background information about the topic. (“ In Ancient China, they had lots of things that was different and similar to us today. Their life was more difficult than us right now. Clothing was one of the things that was different. Ancient China had lots of other things that was similar and different from like we have today.”)

There is some evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ Now, you acctually get to wear almost whatever you want.”)

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a conclusion. (“Back then in Ancient China, they wore toonics (long t-shirts). Women wore long toonics that go all the way to the ground with belts and men wore shorter ones that go down all the way to their knees. Sometimes they wore jacket over their tunics. In the winter people wore padded jackets over the toonics and sometimes pants under them. They don't really have a choice of what to wear everyday but maybe the emperor got to choose what type of color and style. Poor people have to wear either black or blue and only rich people get to wear colors. Now, you acctually get to wear almost whatever you want. No matter what if you are rich or poor you get your choice to wear any color unless you are under this rule or something. Women and men have a choice of what they wear, not just tunics. In the winter, they wear big jackets that keep you really warm.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates limited use of language and style. The writing demonstrates simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and a reliance on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ In Ancient China, they had lots of things that was different and similar to us today. Their life was more difficult than us right now. Clothing was one of the things that was different.”)

Exact words are missing. (“ Ancient China had lots of other things that was similar and different from like we have today.”)

There is repetition; the misspelled word “toonics” is repeated several times. (“ Back then in Ancient China, they wore toonics (long t-shirts). Women wore long toonics that go all the way to the ground with belts and men wore shorter ones that go down all the way to their knees. Sometimes they wore jacket over their toonics. In the winter people wore padded jackets over the toonics and sometimes pants under them.”)

The style is not formal. (“ No matter what if you are rich or poor you get your choice to wear any color unless you are under this rule or something.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Limited control of mechanics and conventions is demonstrated in the essay. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“In Ancient China, they had lots of things that was different and similar to us today. Their life was more difficult than us right now. Clothing was one of the things that was different. Ancient China had lots of other things that was similar and different from like we have today.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

The egypts planted next to a river called,''The Nilo''.They planted next to a river so they won't have to carry the water all the way to there home.Peret was the growing season and is from November to February. Water had to be in the irrigation flowing.Shemu was a period in the middle of March and June, crops were arvested. Children worked too!They worked by picking up the ears of wheat or barely missed by the harvesters.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This brief essay conveys minimal focus and meaning. It suggests a controlling idea, but demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and completes few parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“The egypts planted next to a river called, ‘The Nilo’.They planted next to a river so they won't have to carry the water all the way to there home.Peret was the growing season and is from November to February. Water had to be in the irrigation flowing.Shemu was a period in the middle of March and June, crops were arvested. Children worked too!They worked by picking up the ears of wheat or barely missed by the harvesters.”)

The writer does not state the controlling idea of the essay. (“The egypts planted next to a river called, ‘The Nilo’.They planted next to a river so they won't have to carry the water all the way to there home.Peret was the growing season and is from November to February. Water had to be in the irrigation flowing.Shemu was a period in the middle of March and June, crops were arvested. Children worked too!They worked by picking up the ears of wheat or barely missed by the harvesters.”)

In the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is not stated. (“The egypts planted next to a river called, ‘The Nilo’.They planted next to a river so they won't have to carry the water all the way to there home.Peret was the growing season and is from November to February. Water had to be in the irrigation flowing.Shemu was a period in the middle of March and June, crops were arvested. Children worked too!They worked by picking up the ears of wheat or barely missed by the harvesters.”)

Content & Development

Content and development within this essay are minimal at best. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately using few details for support.

The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“The egypts planted next to a river called, ‘The Nilo’.They planted next to a river so they won't have to carry the water all the way to there home.Peret was the growing season and is from November to February. Water had to be in the irrigation flowing.Shemu was a period in the middle of March and June, crops were arvested. Children worked too!They worked by picking up the ears of wheat or barely missed by the harvesters.”)

Each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“The egypts planted next to a river called, ‘The Nilo’.They planted next to a river so they won't have to carry the water all the way to there home.Peret was the growing season and is from November to February. Water had to be in the irrigation flowing.Shemu was a period in the middle of March and June, crops were arvested. Children worked too!They worked by picking up the ears of wheat or barely missed by the harvesters.”)

Details are minimally used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“The egypts planted next to a river called, ‘The Nilo’.They planted next to a river so they won't have to carry the water all the way to there home.Peret was the growing season and is from November to February. Water had to be in the irrigation flowing.Shemu was a period in the middle of March and June, crops were arvested. Children worked too!They worked by picking up the ears of wheat or barely missed by the harvesters.”)

Organization

Minimal organization can be detected in the essay. It demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion, as well as little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of a good introduction. (“The egypts planted next to a river called, ‘The Nilo’.They planted next to a river so they won't have to carry the water all the way to there home.Peret was the growing season and is from November to February. Water had to be in the irrigation flowing.Shemu was a period in the middle of March and June, crops were arvested. Children worked too!They worked by picking up the ears of wheat or barely missed by the harvesters.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are needed. (“The egypts planted next to a river called, ‘The Nilo’.They planted next to a river so they won't have to carry the water all the way to there home.Peret was the growing season and is from November to February. Water had to be in the irrigation flowing.Shemu was a period in the middle of March and June, crops were arvested. Children worked too!They worked by picking up the ears of wheat or barely missed by the harvesters.”)

The writer does little to include a strong conclusion or any conclusion at all. (“The egypts planted next to a river called, ‘The Nilo’.They planted next to a river so they won't have to carry the water all the way to there home.Peret was the growing season and is from November to February. Water had to be in the irrigation flowing.Shemu was a period in the middle of March and June, crops were arvested. Children worked too!They worked by picking up the ears of wheat or barely missed by the harvesters.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in this essay is minimal. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience; basic errors in sentence structure and usage are made.

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ The egypts planted next to a river called, ‘The Nilo’.They planted next to a river so they won't have to carry the water all the way to there home.Peret was the growing season and is from November to February. Water had to be in the irrigation flowing.”)

Exact words are missing. (“ Shemu was a period in the middle of March and June, crops were arvested.”)

Transitions are needed. (“ Water had to be in the irrigation flowing.Shemu was a period in the middle of March and June, crops were arvested. Children worked too!They worked by picking up the ears of wheat or barely missed by the harvesters.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Minimal control of mechanics and conventions is exhibited in the essay. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“The egypts planted next to a river called, ‘The Nilo’.They planted next to a river so they won't have to carry the water all the way to there home.Peret was the growing season and is from November to February. Water had to be in the irrigation flowing.Shemu was a period in the middle of March and June, crops were arvested.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The o,odons and the ho,hodons play toka and they use a stick and a puck only women can play. There is another game for the men.To play you have to get sap to make ball and you dond,t have to use your hands and feet and they have to dig little holes.They cut big fruit

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Focus and meaning in the essay are inadequate. The writer fails to establish a controlling idea, demonstrates no understanding of purpose and audience, and completes no parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“The o,odons and the ho,hodons play toka and they use a stick and a puck only women can play. There is another game for the men.To play you have to get sap to make ball and you dond,t have to use your hands and feet and they have to dig little holes.They cut big fruit”)

The writer does not state the central idea of the essay. (“The o,odons and the ho,hodons play toka and they use a stick and a puck only women can play. There is another game for the men.To play you have to get sap to make ball and you dond,t have to use your hands and feet and they have to dig little holes.They cut big fruit”)

In the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is not stated. (“The o,odons and the ho,hodons play toka and they use a stick and a puck only women can play. There is another game for the men.To play you have to get sap to make ball and you dond,t have to use your hands and feet and they have to dig little holes.They cut big fruit”)

Content & Development

Content and development in the essay are inadequate. The writer fails to develop ideas by using no details as support.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the controlling idea of the essay. (“The o,odons and the ho,hodons play toka and they use a stick and a puck only women can play. There is another game for the men.To play you have to get sap to make ball and you dond,t have to use your hands and feet and they have to dig little holes.They cut big fruit”)

At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. (“The o,odons and the ho,hodons play toka and they use a stick and a puck only women can play. There is another game for the men.To play you have to get sap to make ball and you dond,t have to use your hands and feet and they have to dig little holes.They cut big fruit”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“The o,odons and the ho,hodons play toka and they use a stick and a puck only women can play. There is another game for the men.To play you have to get sap to make ball and you dond,t have to use your hands and feet and they have to dig little holes.They cut big fruit”)

Organization

There is inadequate organization in this essay. No evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion is demonstrated; there is also no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a good introduction. (“The o,odons and the ho,hodons play toka and they use a stick and a puck only women can play. There is another game for the men.To play you have to get sap to make ball and you dond,t have to use your hands and feet and they have to dig little holes.They cut big fruit”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“The o,odons and the ho,hodons play toka and they use a stick and a puck only women can play. There is another game for the men.To play you have to get sap to make ball and you dond,t have to use your hands and feet and they have to dig little holes.They cut big fruit”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion or any conclusion at all. (“The o,odons and the ho,hodons play toka and they use a stick and a puck only women can play. There is another game for the men.To play you have to get sap to make ball and you dond,t have to use your hands and feet and they have to dig little holes.They cut big fruit”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in this essay is inadequate. The writing demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ The o,odons and the ho,hodons play toka and they use a stick and a puck only women can play. There is another game for the men.To play you have to get sap to make ball and you dond,t have to use your hands and feet and they have to dig little holes.”)

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ There is another game for the men.”)

Transitions are needed. (“The o,odons and the ho,hodons play toka and they use a stick and a puck only women can play. There is another game for the men.To play you have to get sap to make ball and you dond,t have to use your hands and feet and they have to dig little holes.They cut big fruit”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Inadequate control of mechanics and conventions is evident in the essay. Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ There is another game for the men.To play you have to get sap to make ball and you dond,t have to use your hands and feet and they have to dig little holes.They cut big fruit”)

An Empty Room

There is an empty room in your school that is not currently being used. There are many ways that this room could be used. What do you think would be the best way to use this room? Explain to your principal how you would recommend using this room and how you feel it would benefit the students. Be sure to use specific details in describing the room and how it would be used.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Ms. Smith,

The school board asked for the student council to find a use for the empty room on the west side of the school building. After thinking about it for a while, and discussing it among ourselves, we have come up with what we believe to be the best use for this room, a store. There are a few ideas that we have for the setting up and running of the store as well as the advantages academically.

The student council is willing to undertake the responsibility of the store although we need funding from the school. We, the student council, will remodel and set up the room and for at least the first half of the school year, the student council will run the store. After that, it could be handed over to a group of students, either volunteers or a class. The items sold at this store would be things like snacks, sweat pants, T-shirts and tote bags or backpacks, not to mention school supplies and school spirit items. It is these items that we use part of the funding. The other part of the funding we will use for the materials bought to remodel the room. Using the profits from the store, the student council will reimburse the school half of funds used.

When thinking about the running of a store, the hours of operation must be considered. Having a store will allow students to get unattainable items during school hours. Although it would only be open before school, during lunch and after school, it will give students a chance during the day to replace ruined or forgotten items. Although we are not opposed to the store being open any other times but those times seem the most logical to us. Another option is using the store as a refreshment stand during basketball games.

Academically, the students will benefit, since it will teach a multitude of skills. One skill taught is accounting, since they have to keep track of the money earned and the money used to buy items. Managing is another skill and would teach them how to run things smoothly and put the correct people in the correct jobs. Also, a store will teach organization since the arrangement of the store helps people buy things quickly and how the stock must be easy to find things so they can replace a bought out item quickly. It will also teach the value of being courteous to people since these people would be customers and not just schoolmates. These skills, and any others learned from this store that I have not mentioned, are useful in the world around us, and almost any student can benefit from the knowledge of them.

I hope the board will let us go ahead with our project to remodel this empty room, since we believe that a store would not only be to the student council's advantage but also to the advantage of every student in our school.

Sincerely,

Susan

Secretary of the student council

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the student establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea, demonstrating a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience. (“ After thinking about it for a while, and discussing it among ourselves, we have come up with what we believe to be the best use for this room, a store. There are a few ideas that we have for the setting up and running of the store as well as the advantages academically.”) This response very effectively completes all parts of the assigned task.

Content & Development

In this essay, the author provides a wide variety of significant and detailed supporting information to maintain his/her position. For example, the second paragraph explains how the student council will manage the school store. (“ The items sold at this store would be things like snacks, sweat pants, T-shirts and tote bags or backpacks, not to mention school supplies and school spirit items.”) The last body paragraph examines the numerous skills students will gain from having a school store. (“One skill taught is accounting, since they have to keep track of the money earned and the money used to buy items. Managing is another skill and would teach them how to run things smoothly and put the correct people in the correct jobs.”)

Organization

The author demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure. The first paragraph appropriately introduces the task to readers. (“ The school board asked for the student council to find a use for the empty room on the west side of the school building.”) Each body paragraph begins with a strong topic sentence. (“Academically, the students will benefit, since it will teach a multitude of skills.”) Additionally, the conclusion asks the school board to consider a school store and its benefits.

Language Use & Style

The author demonstrates effective language use and style. The student uses exceptional sentence structure and word choice. (“Having a store will allow students to get unattainable items during school hours. Although it would only be open before school, during lunch and after school, it will give students a chance during the day to replace ruined or forgotten items.”) A defined and appropriate voice is also seen throughout the response. (“Although we are not opposed to the store being open any other times but those times seem the most logical to us. Another option is using the store as a refreshment stand during basketball games.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This author demonstrates exceptional control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. While this essay is not entirely without errors in grammar and punctuation, the mistakes are minor and do not interfere with the author’s message at all. (“I hope the board will let us go ahead with our project to remodel this empty room, since we believe that a store would not only be to the student council's advantage but also to the advantage of every student in our school. ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Mr. Smith,

Mr. Smith, do you know that there is an empty room in our school that is not currently being used? Well if you do I think we should use it for a computer lab. I think it should be a computer lab because it would help the kids a lot. We could create power points and other neat things. We could also use it for a special event too.

We might even be able to put 35 computers in the room. It is the biggest room in the school. If we had it for a special event then we could learn a lot in that little time we have. We would have a different lesson each day. When we go to computer lab we could start a power point. Our teacher could give us each a state to work on. In that period we could make our computer skills a whole lot better. Each time we would go to the lab we would learn something new. We could also learn Word Art, coloring the background, how to draw, and how to get pictures. All of this that we would be doing would be academic. It would not just be fun and games. I am sure all of the teachers would agree with what I am trying to say.

So Mr. Smith, I think the empty room should be a computer lab. The whole school agrees with me. So please make the empty room a computer lab.

Your fellow student,

Tommy

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Overall, the author strongly communicates the intended message (“ I think it should be a computer lab because it would help the kids a lot ”) to the appropriate audience (“ Dear Mr. Smith ”). The prompt is clearly addressed, and the author makes a variety of suggestions on what to do with the empty room. Although short, the essay’s focus is consistent. The essay’s use of language in the thesis fits the examples used later effectively. (“ Our teacher could give us each a state to work on. In that period we could make our computer skills a whole lot better. Each time we would go to the lab we would learn something new. We could also learn Word Art, coloring the background, how to draw, and how to get pictures.”)

Content & Development

This author develops supporting ideas clearly, providing the readers with sufficient appropriate details to understand the author’s proposed recommendation for the empty room. The body paragraph provides various examples the room could be used for. Details explain and illustrate each idea very effectively. The essay goes on to ease teachers’ fears about what the room will be used for by suggesting the learning experience will be varied and educational. (“ All of this that we would be doing would be academic. It would not just be fun and games. I am sure all of the teachers would agree with what I am trying to say.”)

Organization

In this essay, the author has created a mostly unified structure. An introduction and conclusion have been provided, while the main body paragraph is focused on describing the potential use and value of the empty room. After explaining the value of the room to the students, the author then addresses fears anticipated that the teachers might have with regard to using the room as a computer lab. While the introduction and conclusion are not creative, they do effectively detail the author’s position on what to do with the empty room. (“ So Mr. Smith, I think the empty room should be a computer lab. The whole school agrees with me. So please make the empty room a computer lab.”)

Language Use & Style

This response demonstrates appropriate language use and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. While the length of some sentences is short, most sentences are well structured and show some variety. The language and tone are consistent. (“ It is the biggest room in the school. If we had it for a special event then we could learn a lot in that little time we have. We would have a different lesson each day. When we go to computer lab we could start a power point. Our teacher could give us each a state to work on.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

In this essay, the author maintains effective control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Few distracting errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are present. (“ We could also learn Word Art, coloring the background, how to draw, and how to get pictures. All of this that we would be doing would be academic. It would not just be fun and games. I am sure all of the teachers would agree with what I am trying to say.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Did you know that there is an empty room in our school? We should probably use it, because we do not want to have an empty room in our school. So I think we should make it into a game room.

Now what we need to do is get two pool tables in the middle. Then we should put a ping pong table in the corner but not too close to it. Then we should get some board games and put them on the shelf. If there is still an empty space, we probably should get an Air Hockey table. We will put it right there by the side wall.

The kids should only be permitted to use it when the kids are done with their work, recesses, and during rainy days. Then we need to get a few teachers. They will need to supervise and help.

The kids will get to take a break in this room, but not that much time to play but they still get a good break. I also think that they will get a little bit of fun out of it.

I really think that we need this room because the kids will have better recesses and just have more fun.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This author adequately communicates a message to the intended audience. A controlling idea (“ I think we should make it into a game room ”) is established and maintained. The thesis statement suggesting a game room is consistent with the prompt task and provides little or no unnecessary information. The essay understands the intended audience adequately. (“The kids should only be permitted to use it when the kids are done with their work, recesses, and during rainy days. Then we need to get a few teachers. They will need to supervise and help.”)

Content & Development

This author d evelops ideas adequately, using sufficient details to support ideas. The author both describes how the empty room should be set up and why this arrangement would benefit the students at the school (“ I also think that they will get a little bit of fun out of it ”). Each paragraph has its own topic concerning the use of the room, such as what will be in the room, when it can be used, and what activities are allowed in the room. The details used in the body paragraphs are adequately developed and there are at least a few details per idea. The essay should attempt to provide four or five details per paragraph. (“Now what we need to do is get two pool tables in the middle. Then we should put a ping pong table in the corner but not too close to it. Then we should get some board games and put them on the shelf. If there is still an empty space, we probably should get an Air Hockey table.”)

Organization

This essay essentially d emonstrates a generally unified structure. It is organized around an introduction and conclusion and three body paragraphs that focus on three key parts of the author’s central theme. The essay does provide an adequate introduction. Different ideas are in separate paragraphs. Finally, there is an attempt made at providing some concluding statements. Although short, this is sufficient for a score point of 4 at the elementary level. (“Did you know that there is an empty room in our school? We should probably use it, because we do not want to have an empty room in our school. So I think we should make it into a game room.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates appropriate language use and word choice addressed to the desired audience. However, some errors in sentence structure are evident. (“T he kids will get to take a break in this room, but not that much time to play but they still get a good break.”) The essay is generally consistent in style and flows between ideas successfully. However, the essay could use additional transitions and additional creative imagery. (“ The kids should only be permitted to use it when the kids are done with their work, recesses, and during rainy days. Then we need to get a few teachers. They will need to supervise and help.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This author maintains a dequate control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. While some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling can be detected, they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. (“If there is still an empty space, we probably should get an Air Hockey table. We will put it right there by the side wall.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

There is an empty room and no one is using it. I think we should have a room it can have a karaoke machine.

In the back of the room their is one window, lots of closets, and a dance floor on the other side.

You can use the stage with the karaoke. We'll use that to do a talent show or sing or tell some joke's. When someone sing's the kids can listen or dance.

The kids can eat a small snack. We can Learn to dance or they can share jokes. We can share singing. They can have fun and relax and share some song's.

They should have the karaoke room so we can meet other kids or have fun or take a brake.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author establishes a controlling idea (“They should have the karaoke room so we can meet other kids or have fun or take a brake”) and remains focused upon it, but only partially communicates a complete message to the audience. It establishes a controlling idea, but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience and completes only some parts of the task. In the introduction, only a limited point of view or argument of the essay is stated. The essay states there should be a “karaoke machine” but does not provide any reasoning in the introduction. (“There is an empty room and no one is using it. I think we should have a room it can have a karaoke machine.”)

Content & Development

This writer d evelops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support ideas. Notice that the author describes the room and how it could be used and mentions why this would be beneficial to the students (“ They can have fun and relax and share s om e song's ”), but provides only limited details to support and describe each key idea.

Organization

This essay is divided into several paragraphs and presents e vidence of structure. Both an introduction and conclusion are present, although each is weak. The essay also lacks effective transitional devices. (“The kids can eat a small snack. We can Learn to dance or they can share jokes. We can share singing.”)

Language Use & Style

This writer uses mainly simple language with some awareness of audience and control of voice. The essay relies on simple sentences (“ The kids can eat a small snack ”) with insufficient sentence variety, and the author makes some errors in word choice (“ In the back of the room their is ”). Most essays at this level begin to suffer from a lack of clarity, poor word choice, and a disregard for audience. This essay does manage to maintain good language use and style, but the lack of content hurts the essay overall. (“In the back of the room their is one window, lots of closets, and a dance floor on the other side. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Many noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics (“ I think we should have a room it can have a karaoke machine”), punctuation (“ joke's ”), and spelling (“ Carex ”) interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. These problems interfere with the message of the essay. The author should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. (“ We can share singing. They can have fun and relax and share some song's.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

I was thinking that we should used the Empty room for a computer lab,because it has a lot of space and would benefit all the students in the school.I also think we should make this room look nice and perfect for everyone.

we can painted with a white paint and some red on the top,and we can put a T.V,phone,tables,ETR.I think that everyone would be agree with us.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay is limited in its communication of a complete idea. While the author suggests a controlling idea (“I was thinking that we should used the Empty room for a computer lab,because it has a lot of space and would benefit all the students in the school”), this idea is not sufficiently supported with details. The author only completes a few parts of the task. (“I also think we should make this room look nice and perfect for everyone.”)

Content & Development

In this essay, the author suggests how to use the room and what he/she would do to it, but this idea is not developed further. Thus, the writer inadequately supports the central idea with no more than one supporting detail. (“we can painted with a white paint and some red on the top,and we can put a T.V,phone,tables,ETR.I think that everyone would be agree with us.”)

Organization

Written in the form of two paragraphs, this essay demonstrates little evidence of a unified structure. The introduction consists of two simple sentences (“I was thinking that we should used the Empty room for a computer lab,because it has a lot of space and would benefit all the students in the school.I also think we should make this room look nice and perfect for everyone”), and there is only a start of a body paragraph for support. No conclusion has been written, and no use of transitional devices is evident.

Language Use & Style

In this essay, the author demonstrates adequate language with some awareness of audience. The author uses some sentence variety, but his/her usage and word choice are limited. At this level, essays often have sentences that make little sense. The lack of clarity easily interferes with the author’s message. (“we can put a T.V,phone,tables,ETR.I think that everyone would be agree with us.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer of this essay maintains limited control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Some errors in grammar (“we can painted with”), mechanics, punctuation, and spelling interfere with the communication of the message. Serious problems with mechanics and conventions appear at this stage, so much so that the topic of discussion may be in dispute. It’s clear here the essay is suggesting a computer lab, but all details relating to the suggestion are barely comprehensible. (“we can painted with a white paint and some red on the top,and we can put a T.V,phone,tables,ETR.I think that everyone would be agree with us.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

At our school we have lot's of classes and all of them are full of stuff or students. But I was walking and saw a midium size room. I told my priciple what I saw and she said I have to do somthing to the room so I saiad I could do FCAT in ther. I could make it a study room, I could make it a Reading room.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay is inadequate in its communication of a complete idea. While the author suggests a controlling idea (“I could do FCAT in ther. I could make it a study room, I could make it a Reading room”), these ideas are left undeveloped and unsupported. Thus, the author has completed few parts of the assigned task. The essay is on topic so far as to discuss an empty room, but the essay does not state a suggestion until the final sentence. If it were the first paragraph in a larger essay, it might be acceptable, but a lack of any follow up hurts the focus irreparably. The essay is barely scorable.

Content & Development

In this essay, the author suggests possible uses for the room, but does not explain how the room could be put to those uses or why it would be beneficial to the students. Thus, the writer incompletely and inadequately supports the central idea, citing few details to support ideas. (“I could make it a study room, I could make it a Reading room.”)

Organization

Written in the form of a single paragraph, this writer demonstrates little evidence of a unified structure. The introduction consists of little more than a sentence (“she said I have to do somthing to the room”). No conclusion has been written and there is no evidence of transitional devices. There is no attempt made to expand upon ideas in a body paragraph or to conclude them either. The final sentence does not seem to indicate the author understands the purpose of a conclusion or a thesis. (“I could make it a study room, I could make it a Reading room.”)

Language Use & Style

In this essay, the author demonstrates poor language use with little awareness of audience. The essay is characterized by basic errors in sentence structure (“I could make it a study room, I could make it a Reading room”), word choice (“But I was walking”), and usage. Essays at this level have an informal style and tend to be repetitious. There is little or no attempt to transition between ideas. (“I told my priciple what I saw and she said I have to do somthing to the room so I saiad I could do FCAT in ther. I could make it a study room, I could make it a Reading room.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer of this essay maintains minimal control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation (“lot's”), and spelling (“midium” and “priciple”) substantially interfere with the communication of the message. The text may or may not be indented when beginning a new paragraph and sentences may not begin with a capital letter. (“ I told my priciple what I saw and she said I have to do somthing to the room so I saiad I could do FCAT in ther.”)

A New Student

There is a new fifth-grade student at your school who grew up in another country. What should this student do to be successful in fifth grade?

Explain what this student should do and how this student should act in order to be successful in fifth grade.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

New hallways, new classrooms, new teachers, new friends, etc., is what you will probably find if you are a new fifth grade who has just started to go to a different school. Do you want to be a successful student? There are many ways to thrive in the fifth grade. You should be nice to everyone in your class, be yourself, respect other people, and socialize with your peers.

One way to be victorious in the fifth grade is to be kind to everyone in your class. You should never make fun of or laugh at one of your peers or teachers because this is not a nice thing to do. It hurts other people and makes then feel terrible. You should also think about what you say before speaking it. For example, if you say something that is intended to be funny, but it ends up hurting someone’s feelings. This would be very ghastly, so you should always think about what you say and what the consequences of your words are before you speak. A big part of being kind is respecting other people. You should respect other people’s feelings because everyone is entitled to their own opinion. If you want to be kind, you also have to lend a helping hand to anyone in need such as when someone has dropped their possessions in the school hallway, you should help them pick it up, instead of just walking by.

Another way to be triumphant in the fifth grade is to be yourself. You should not give in to peer pressure because you should make your own decisions. For example, if all of your friends like “The Suite Life of Zack and Cody,” it doesn't mean you have to like it too. Do what you think is right and don't be afraid to voice your opinion about a topic. Only do the things that you want to do. For instance, if all of your friends want to chat with a stranger on the Internet, you shouldn’t do it because you know that it is not the right thing to do.

Also, you should respect your teachers and peers. One way to do this to not interrupt others when they are speaking. You should never laugh at someone else’s ideas because it just hurts other people’s feelings. Try to avoid saying mean things to your teachers or fellow classmates and treat other people the way you would want to be treated.

Last but not least, in order to be successful in the fifth grade, you have to socialize with your peers. You can do this by having a conversation with your friends during lunch or playing around and having a good time with your peers at recess. Another thing that is great to do is going to an extra curricular activity that you enjoy. By doing this, you will make friends with people who like the same things as you. You shouldn’t tune yourself out and not talk or play with anyone else because this would only make you feel like a ghost because nobody will notice you and you will have a boring life.

In conclusion, now that you have these tips, those new hallways, new classrooms, new teachers, and new friends won’t seem quite as scary to you. When I was a new student, I followed these tips, and it really worked. I have a lot of friends and am very happy at school. If you want to be successful in the fifth grade, follow these wonderful tips and you will sure to be a victorious fifth grade student!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea by discussing ways in which a student can be successful in fifth grade, demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes all parts of the task, even going beyond the limits of the task.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by very effectively using an interesting statement and a question in the beginning of the introduction. (“ New hallways, new classrooms, new teachers, new friends, etc., is what you will probably find if you are a new fifth grade who has just started to go to a different school. Do you want to be a successful student? There are many ways to thrive in the fifth grade. You should be nice to everyone in your class, be yourself, respect other people, and socialize with your peers.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central idea very effectively. (“ Another way to be triumphant in the fifth grade is to be yourself. You should not give in to peer pressure because you should make your own decisions. For example, if all of your friends like “The Suite Life of Zack and Cody,” it doesn't mean you have to like it too. Do what you think is right and don’t be afraid to voice your opinion about a topic. Only do the things that you want to do. For instance, if all of your friends want to chat with a stranger on the Internet, you shouldn’t do it because you know that it is not the right thing to do.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ You should be nice to everyone in your class, be yourself, respect other people, and socialize with your peers.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with details about the ways in which a new student can be successful in the fifth grade. (“ One way to be victorious in the fifth grade is to be kind to everyone in your class. You should never make fun of or laugh at one of your peers or teachers because this is not a nice thing to do. It hurts other people and makes then feel terrible. You should also think about what you say before speaking it. For example, if you say something that is intended to be funny, but it ends up hurting someone’s feelings.”)

Content & Development

Very effective content and development are evident in this essay. Ideas are developed fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details to support ideas. The writer uses four supporting details in his/her explanation of how a new student can be successful in the fifth grade.

The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“Last but not least, in order to be successful in the fifth grade, you have to socialize with your peers. You can do this by having a conversation with your friends during lunch or playing around and having a good time with your peers at recess. Another thing that is great to do is going to an extra curricular activity that you enjoy. By doing this, you will make friends with people who like the same things as you. You shouldn’t tune yourself out and not talk or play with anyone else because this would only make you feel like a ghost because nobody will notice you and you will have a boring life.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph very effectively develop the main idea of each topic sentence. (“One way to be victorious in the fifth grade is to be kind to everyone in your class. You should never make fun of or laugh at one of your peers or teachers because this is not a nice thing to do. It hurts other people and makes then feel terrible. You should also think about what you say before speaking it. For example, if you say something that is intended to be funny, but it ends up hurting someone’s feelings. This would be very ghastly, so you should always think about what you say and what the consequences of your words are before you speak. A big part of being kind is respecting other people. You should respect other people’s feelings because everyone is entitled to their own opinion. If you want to be kind, you also have to lend a helping hand to anyone in need such as when someone has dropped their possessions in the school hallway, you should help them pick it up, instead of just walking by.”)

The essay includes examples about each of the main ideas. (“Another way to be triumphant in the fifth grade is to be yourself. You should not give in to peer pressure because you should make your own decisions. For example, if all of your friends like “The Suite Life of Zack and Cody,” it doesn't mean you have to like it too. Do what you think is right and don't be afraid to voice your opinion about a topic. Only do the things that you want to do. For instance, if all of your friends want to chat with a stranger on the Internet, you shouldn’t do it because you know that it is not the right thing to do.”)

Organization

Very effective organization is displayed in this essay. The writing demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, effective use of paragraphing, and effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question. (“ New hallways, new classrooms, new teachers, new friends, etc., is what you will probably find if you are a new fifth grade who has just started to go to a different school. Do you want to be a successful student? There are many ways to thrive in the fifth grade. You should be nice to everyone in your class, be yourself, respect other people, and socialize with your peers.”)

The introduction includes a very effective sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ You should be nice to everyone in your class, be yourself, respect other people, and socialize with your peers.”)

T ransitional devices such as “also,” “last but not least,” and “in conclusion” from the MY Access! Word Bank very effectively connect ideas. (“ Also, you should respect your teachers and peers. One way to do this to not interrupt others when they are speaking. You should never laugh at someone else’s ideas because it just hurts other people’s feelings. Try to avoid saying mean things to your teachers or fellow classmates and treat other people the way you would want to be treated. …Last but not least, in order to be successful in the fifth grade, you have to socialize with your peers. …In conclusion, now that you have these tips, those new hallways, new classrooms, new teachers, and new friends won’t seem quite as scary to you.”)

The introduction and conclusion are very effectively connected, demonstrating an understanding of the idea regarding the various aspects of a new school and how those aspects could appear overwhelming to a new fifth-grade student. (“ In conclusion, now that you have these tips, those new hallways, new classrooms, new teachers, and new friends won’t seem quite as scary to you. When I was a new student, I followed these tips, and it really worked. I have a lot of friends and am very happy at school. If you want to be successful in the fifth grade, follow these wonderful tips and you will sure to be a victorious fifth grade student!”)

Details, words, or phrases in the introduction and conclusion very effectively engage the readers’ interests. (“ There are many ways to thrive in the fifth grade. …If you want to be successful in the fifth grade, follow these wonderful tips and you will sure to be a victorious fifth grade student!”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates very effective language use and style with precise language and word choice, a defined voice, a clear sense of audience, and well-structured and varied sentences.

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay, with the use of several engaging words to attract the readers’ attention and hold their interest. (“ This would be very ghastly , so you should always think about what you say and what the consequences of your words are before you speak. … Another way to be triumphant in the fifth grade is to be yourself. … If you want to be successful in the fifth grade, follow these wonderful tips and you will sure to be a victorious fifth grade student!”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of each paragraph are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ One way to be victorious in the fifth grade is to be kind to everyone in your class. You should never make fun of or laugh at one of your peers or teachers because this is not a nice thing to do. It hurts other people and makes then feel terrible. You should also think about what you say before speaking it. For example, if you say something that is intended to be funny, but it ends up hurting someone’s feelings. This would be very ghastly, so you should always think about what you say and what the consequences of your words are before you speak. A big part of being kind is respecting other people. You should respect other people’s feelings because everyone is entitled to their own opinion. If you want to be kind, you also have to lend a helping hand to anyone in need such as when someone has dropped their possessions in the school hallway, you should help them pick it up, instead of just walking by.”)

The compound sentence, “ This would be very ghastly, so you should always think about what you say and what the consequences of your words are before you speak,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

Very effective control of conventions and mechanics is seen in this essay with few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling.

For example:

Each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action). (“ You should never make fun of or laugh at one of your peers or teachers because this is not a nice thing to do.”)

Each sentence ends with a punctuation mark. (“ You should not give in to peer pressure because you should make your own decisions.”)

Each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ It hurts other people and makes then feel terrible.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Hopefully if you are reading this right now you are a new student at our elementary school. This will be your guide of every thing you need to know. This essay will inform you of what you will need to know about being a successful 5th grade student at our elementary school.

One thing you will need to know is how to work computers. We do allot of thing on computers like Success Maker, My Access, Games, PowerPoint’s, and how to use a computer software called Word. If you have never seen or been on a computer, We will show you how to work them in our really cool computer class. If you already know how to work on a computer you will be able to access in our computer class when we have grades on what we can do.

When you go to recess these are some helpful hints. Everyone wants to be popular, but don’t expect to be popular in your first week, because you will be new here just take sometime to make friends. Your friends will help you fit in better. I know our stile will be different than the stile you used to have. When picking your friend make sure you would feel comfortable hanging out with them.

Something else you will need to know is how to do your homework. I know that the teachers do not all give the same amount homework. All the teachers will like it if you do your homework. They will know that you AR dependable, and you will be able to help your teacher more often. They will know that you can be dependable. I know from my own experience that homework gets easier the more you do it.

The last thing you will need to know about is how to dress. Our school uniform is kind of strict. You can only have a navy blue jacket. Red, White, Blue, or Light Blue are the only color tops you can where. Blue or white bottoms, and no shoes without backs. The can’t he flip-flops. You can not have any big ear ring, (no longer than 1/4 inch) There is way more, but those are the basic things you will needs to know. I would not recommend for you to break any of the rules, because they can be were mean about were wrong things.

Now that you know a little about the things that will make you successful at our elementary school, you are ready to start. I know that you will be successful because you know about homework, recess, uniforms, and computers. Hopefully this essay gave you the whole infomation you will need to know.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are apparent in this essay, which establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea regarding what a student should know to be successful in the fifth grade at elementary school. It also demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience and completes most parts of the task.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by using an interesting statement in the beginning of the introduction. (“ Hopefully if you are reading this right now you are a new student at our elementary school. This will be your guide of every thing you need to know. This essay will inform you of what you will need to know about being a successful 5th grade student at our elementary school.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the controlling idea. (“ This will be your guide of every thing you need to know. This essay will inform you of what you will need to know about being a successful 5th grade student at our elementary school.”) Details are effectively used in the essay. (“One thing you will need to know is how to work computers. We do allot of thing on computers like Success Maker, My Access, Games, PowerPoint’s, and how to use a computer software called Word. If you have never seen or been on a computer, We will show you how to work them in our really cool computer class. If you already know how to work on a computer you will be able to access in our computer class when we have grades on what we can do.”)

The language of the thesis fits the effective examples very well. (“ This essay will inform you of what you will need to know about being a successful 5th grade student at our elementary school.”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about ways in which a new student can have a successful year in the fifth grade. (“ One thing you will need to know is how to work computers. … When you go to recess these are some helpful hints. … Something else you will need to know is how to do your homework. … The last thing you will need to know about is how to dress.”)

Content & Development

Good content and development are seen in this essay. Ideas are developed clearly, using sufficient, appropriate details to support ideas. The writer uses four supporting details for his/her explanation of how to be successful in the fifth grade at the elementary school .

The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“The last thing you will need to know about is how to dress. Our school uniform is kind of strict. You can only have a navy blue jacket. Red, White, Blue, or Light Blue are the only color tops you can where. Blue or white bottoms, and no shoes without backs. The can’t he flip-flops. You can not have any big ear ring, (no longer than 1/4 inch) There is way more, but those are the basic things you will needs to know. I would not recommend for you to break any of the rules, because they can be were mean about were wrong things.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“One thing you will need to know is how to work computers. We do allot of thing on computers like Success Maker, My Access, Games, PowerPoint’s, and how to use a computer software called Word. If you have never seen or been on a computer, We will show you how to work them in our really cool computer class. If you already know how to work on a computer you will be able to access in our computer class when we have grades on what we can do.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“When you go to recess these are some helpful hints. Everyone wants to be popular, but don't expect to be popular in your first week, because you will be new here just take sometime to make friends. Your friends will help you fit in better. I know our stile will be different than the stile you used to have. When picking your friend make sure you would feel comfortable hanging out with them.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates good organization, along with a mostly unified structure that includes a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and consistent use of transitional devices.

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ Now that you know a little about the things that will make you successful at our elementary school, you are ready to start.”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion. (“ Now that you know a little about the things that will make you successful at our elementary school, you are ready to start. I know that you will be successful because you know about homework, recess, uniforms, and computers. Hopefully this essay gave you the whole infomation you will need to know.”)

The introduction and the conclusion are connected through the introduction’s mentioning of the essay as a guide for the student and the conclusion’s reference to this idea. (“Hopefully if you are reading this right now you are a new student at our elementary school. This will be your guide of every thing you need to know. This essay will inform you of what you will need to know about being a successful 5th grade student at our elementary school. …Now that you know a little about the things that will make you successful at our elementary school, you are ready to start. I know that you will be successful because you know about homework, recess, uniforms, and computers. Hopefully this essay gave you the whole infomation you will need to know.”)

Language Use & Style

Good use of language and style is evident in this essay. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, along with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. Well-structured sentences with some variety are also used.

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“ When you go to recess these are some helpful hints. Everyone wants to be popular, but don’t expect to be popular in your first week, because you will be new here just take sometime to make friends. Your friends will help you fit in better. I know our stile will be different than the stile you used to have. When picking your friend make sure you would feel comfortable hanging out with them.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ Something else you will need to know is how to do your homework. I know that the teachers do not all give the same amount homework. All the teachers will like it if you do your homework. They will know that you AR dependable, and you will be able to help your teacher more often. They will know that you can be dependable. I know from my own experience that homework gets easier the more you do it.”)

The complex sentence, “ Now that you know a little about the things that will make you successful at our elementary school, you are ready to start,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

There is good control of conventions and mechanics in this essay. There are, however, a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the message.

For example:

Most sentences have a subject and a verb (an action). (“ Your friends will help you fit in better.”)

Most sentences end with a punctuation mark. (“ This will be your guide of every thing you need to know.”)

Most sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ Something else you will need to know is how to do your homework.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

As a new student at a school you should first show how good a student you can be, but at the same time try to make friends. There are many ways to make new friends and get good grades. To make friends look for people that have the same interests as you. To be a good student listen to the teacher and have good behavior. Here are my tips for making new friends and getting new grades to have a successful fith grade year.

One thing to do at first is be friendly. Do not get in any arguments or act weird to get attention. Also be a good sport, people will want to be on your team. If you play a game and lose or even win do not get angry or boast about your win. Also try to play with people who don't have any friends. Last of all you should be respectful. Do not call anybody names or take things without asking.

Now that we have talked about friends lets talk about grades and behavior. Your teacher will always love good handwriting. Try never to forget to put your name. Always listen when the teacher is teaching. To get good grades you must study all the time. Good behavior also means good grades. Make sure you have your homework every day. Your parents may even reward you for making good grades. You will look forward to recess each day but to get recess you have to have good behavior.

So if you are new at a school use these tips. You should get good grades while also being frienly and making new friends in the fith grade. I’m sure these tips will work. They worked for me. Have fun in the fifth grade!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Adequate focus and meaning are apparent in this essay. It establishes a controlling idea regarding how to be a successful fifth-grade student, demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes many parts of the task.

The thesis statement states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. (“ As a new student at a school you should first show how good a student you can be, but at the same time try to make friends.”)

The essay understands the intended audience adequately, as shown in the introduction. (“As a new student at a school you should first show how good a student you can be, but at the same time try to make friends. To make friends look for people that have the same interests as you.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“Now that we have talked about friends lets talk about grades and behavior. Your teacher will always love good handwriting. Try never to forget to put your name. Always listen when the teacher is teaching. To get good grades you must study all the time. Good behavior also means good grades. Make sure you have your homework every day. Your parents may even reward you for making good grades. You will look forward to recess each day but to get recess you have to have good behavior.”)

Content & Development

This essay displays adequate content and development. Ideas are developed adequately, using sufficient details to support ideas. The writer focuses on the ideas of how to get good grades and make new friends.

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Now that we have talked about friends lets talk about grades and behavior. Your teacher will always love good handwriting. Try never to forget to put your name. Always listen when the teacher is teaching. To get good grades you must study all the time. Good behavior also means good grades. Make sure you have your homework every day. Your parents may even reward you for making good grades. You will look forward to recess each day but to get recess you have to have good behavior.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraph support the thesis. (“One thing to do at first is be friendly. Do not get in any arguments or act weird to get attention. Also be a good sport, people will want to be on your team. If you play a game and lose or even win do not get angry or boast about your win. Also try to play with people who don't have any friends. Last of all you should be respectful. Do not call anybody names or take things without asking.”)

The essay includes brief explanations about the main ideas. (“One thing to do at first is be friendly. Do not get in any arguments or act weird to get attention. Also be a good sport, people will want to be on your team. If you play a game and lose or even win do not get angry or boast about your win. Also try to play with people who don't have any friends. Last of all you should be respectful. Do not call anybody names or take things without asking.”)

Organization

Adequate organization is evident in this essay. The writing demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, inconsistent use of paragraphing, and inconsistent use of transitional devices.

The introduction includes adequate background information about the topic. (“ As a new student at a school you should first show how good a student you can be, but at the same time try to make friends. There are many ways to make new friends and get good grades. To make friends look for people that have the same interests as you. To be a good student listen to the teacher and have good behavior. Here are my tips for making new friends and getting new grades to have a successful fith grade year.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. (“ One thing to do at first is be friendly. … Now that we have talked about friends lets talk about grades and behavior.”)

The conclusion adequately teaches readers a lesson. (“ So if you are new at a school use these tips. You should get good grades while also being frienly and making new friends in the fith grade. I’m sure these tips will work. They worked for me. Have fun in the fifth grade!”)

The introduction and the conclusion are connected through the idea of the writer giving the student several tips on making new friends and getting good grades in the fifth grade. (“ As a new student at a school you should first show how good a student you can be, but at the same time try to make friends. There are many ways to make new friends and get good grades. To make friends look for people that have the same interests as you. To be a good student listen to the teacher and have good behavior. Here are my tips for making new friends and getting new grades to have a successful fith grade year. … So if you are new at a school use these tips. You should get good grades while also being frienly and making new friends in the fith grade. I’m sure these tips will work. They worked for me. Have fun in the fifth grade!”)

Language Use & Style

Adequate language use and style are shown in this essay. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice; furthermore, correct sentence structure with some variety is generally used.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ One thing to do at first is be friendly. Do not get in any arguments or act weird to get attention. Also be a good sport, people will want to be on your team. If you play a game and lose or even win do not get angry or boast about your win. Also try to play with people who don't have any friends. Last of all you should be respectful. Do not call anybody names or take things without asking.”)

Exact and specific phrases and sentences such as, “ Here are my tips for making new friends and getting new grades to have a successful fith grade year,” from the research and the prompt task are used adequately.

Word choices are sometimes poor, as the word “good” is used consistently. More specific and vivid words would improve word choice. (“ Now that we have talked about friends lets talk about grades and behavior. Your teacher will always love good handwriting. Try never to forget to put your name. Always listen when the teacher is teaching. To get good grades you must study all the time. Good behavior also means good grades. Make sure you have your homework every day. Your parents may even reward you for making good grades. You will look forward to recess each day but to get recess you have to have good behavior.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Adequate control of conventions and mechanics is seen throughout this essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

For example:

Many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action). (“ Your parents may even reward you for making good grades.”)

Many sentences end with a punctuation mark. (“ One thing to do at first is be friendly.”)

Many sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ Your teacher will always love good handwriting.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

There is a new student in fifth grade. The student is from a different country and the student needs to do three things to be successful. These things are to learn English, make some friends, and make good grades.

The first thing he needs to do is to learn English. He needs to learn English so he can understand everyone. The second thing he needs to do is make new friends. He needs to make friends so he is not a lone at recess. The final thing he needs to do is make good grades. He needs good grades so he can move up a grade at the end of the school year.

A student can be successful when they try real hard. try hard cause not everything comes easy

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay provides a limited focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea regarding how to be successful in the fifth grade, but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience and only completes some parts of the task.

The essay states a limited controlling idea of the essay. (“There is a new student in fifth grade. The student is from a different country and the student needs to do three things to be successful. These things are to learn English, make some friends, and make good grades.”)

In the introduction, only a limited supporting idea of the essay is stated. (“There is a new student in fifth grade. The student is from a different country and the student needs to do three things to be successful. These things are to learn English, make some friends, and make good grades.”)

In the introduction, only a limited point of view or argument of the essay is stated. (“There is a new student in fifth grade. The student is from a different country and the student needs to do three things to be successful. These things are to learn English, make some friends, and make good grades.”)

Content & Development

Limited content and development are seen in this essay. Ideas are developed briefly and inconsistently, using few and insufficient details to support ideas.

The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“The first thing he needs to do is to learn English. He needs to learn English so he can understand everyone. The second thing he needs to do is make new friends. He needs to make friends so he is not a lone at recess. The final thing he needs to do is make good grades. He needs good grades so he can move up a grade at the end of the school year.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. (“The first thing he needs to do is to learn English. He needs to learn English so he can understand everyone. The second thing he needs to do is make new friends. He needs to make friends so he is not a lone at recess. The final thing he needs to do is make good grades. He needs good grades so he can move up a grade at the end of the school year.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs is limited. (“The first thing he needs to do is to learn English. He needs to learn English so he can understand everyone. The second thing he needs to do is make new friends. He needs to make friends so he is not a lone at recess. The final thing he needs to do is make good grades. He needs good grades so he can move up a grade at the end of the school year.”)

Organization

This essay establishes limited organization throughout. The writing demonstrates some evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, one body paragraph, and lacks strong transitional devices.

The introduction attempts to include a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ These things are to learn English, make some friends, and make good grades.”)

Although weak, there is some evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ The first thing he needs to do is to learn English. He needs to learn English so he can understand everyone. The second thing he needs to do is make new friends. He needs to make friends so he is not a lone at recess. The final thing he needs to do is make good grades. He needs good grades so he can move up a grade at the end of the school year.”)

The conclusion attempts to teach readers a lesson. (“ A student can be successful when they try real hard. try hard cause not everything comes easy”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates limited use of language and style. It demonstrates simple language and word choice with some awareness of audience and control of voice; furthermore, the essay relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety.

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ There is a new student in fifth grade. The student is from a different country and the student needs to do three things to be successful. These things are to learn English, make some friends, and make good grades.”)

The essay uses the same group of words to begin the sentences in the body paragraph. (“ The first thing he needs to do is to learn English. He needs to learn English so he can understand everyone. The second thing he needs to do is make new friends. He needs to make friends so he is not a lone at recess. The final thing he needs to do is make good grades. He needs good grades so he can move up a grade at the end of the school year.”)

There is repetition, as the phrase “he needs” is consistently repeated. (“ The first thing he needs to do is to learn English. He needs to learn English so he can understand everyone. The second thing he needs to do is make new friends. He needs to make friends so he is not a lone at recess. The final thing he needs to do is make good grades. He needs good grades so he can move up a grade at the end of the school year.”)

The essay should use more varied and appropriate transitions. (“ The first thing he needs to do is to learn English. He needs to learn English so he can understand everyone. The second thing he needs to do is make new friends. He needs to make friends so he is not a lone at recess. The final thing he needs to do is make good grades. He needs good grades so he can move up a grade at the end of the school year.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is a limited control of conventions and mechanics in this essay. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message.

The essay should:

Make sure pronoun-antecedent agreement is correct. (“ A student can be successful when they try real hard.”)

End each sentence with a punctuation mark. (“ try hard cause not everything comes easy ”)

Begin each sentence with a capital letter. (“ try hard cause not everything comes easy”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

If there were a new kid from a differnt countrycoming to our school like Japan or something, he would have to learn loads of things, like our language and how to dress like an American. And tons of other stuff! And he would have get some new friends, he would have to learn to wright like us instead of writing in Japeneese or what ever you call it.And of course he would have to learn how to get in trouble!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Minimal focus and meaning are exhibited in this essay. The writer suggests a controlling idea, but demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and completes few parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“If there were a new kid from a differnt countrycoming to our school like Japan or something, he would have to learn loads of things, like our language and how to dress like an American. And tons of other stuff! And he would have get some new friends, he would have to learn to wright like us instead of writing in Japeneese or what ever you call it.And of course he would have to learn how to get in trouble!”)

The essay does not state the central idea of the essay. (“If there were a new kid from a differnt countrycoming to our school like Japan or something, he would have to learn loads of things, like our language and how to dress like an American. And tons of other stuff! And he would have get some new friends, he would have to learn to wright like us instead of writing in Japeneese or what ever you call it.And of course he would have to learn how to get in trouble!”)

In the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is not stated. (“If there were a new kid from a differnt countrycoming to our school like Japan or something, he would have to learn loads of things, like our language and how to dress like an American. And tons of other stuff! And he would have get some new friends, he would have to learn to wright like us instead of writing in Japeneese or what ever you call it.And of course he would have to learn how to get in trouble!”)

The writing style is not appropriate for the audience. (“If there were a new kid from a differnt countrycoming to our school like Japan or something, he would have to learn loads of things, like our language and how to dress like an American. And tons of other stuff! And he would have get some new friends, he would have to learn to wright like us instead of writing in Japeneese or what ever you call it.And of course he would have to learn how to get in trouble!”)

Content & Development

The content and development in this essay are minimal. Ideas are developed incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support ideas.

The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“If there were a new kid from a differnt countrycoming to our school like Japan or something, he would have to learn loads of things, like our language and how to dress like an American. And tons of other stuff! And he would have get some new friends, he would have to learn to wright like us instead of writing in Japeneese or what ever you call it.And of course he would have to learn how to get in trouble!”)

Each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“If there were a new kid from a differnt countrycoming to our school like Japan or something, he would have to learn loads of things, like our language and how to dress like an American. And tons of other stuff! And he would have get some new friends, he would have to learn to wright like us instead of writing in Japeneese or what ever you call it.And of course he would have to learn how to get in trouble!”)

Important details (including examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“If there were a new kid from a differnt countrycoming to our school like Japan or something, he would have to learn loads of things, like our language and how to dress like an American. And tons of other stuff! And he would have get some new friends, he would have to learn to wright like us instead of writing in Japeneese or what ever you call it.And of course he would have to learn how to get in trouble!”)

Organization

Minimal organization is evident in this essay. It demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The introduction does little to include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. In fact, the essay really only consists of one paragraph. (“If there were a new kid from a differnt countrycoming to our school like Japan or something, he would have to learn loads of things, like our language and how to dress like an American. And tons of other stuff! And he would have get some new friends, he would have to learn to wright like us instead of writing in Japeneese or what ever you call it.And of course he would have to learn how to get in trouble!”)

There is little evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“If there were a new kid from a differnt countrycoming to our school like Japan or something, he would have to learn loads of things, like our language and how to dress like an American. And tons of other stuff! And he would have get some new friends, he would have to learn to wright like us instead of writing in Japeneese or what ever you call it.And of course he would have to learn how to get in trouble!”)

The essay does little to include a strong conclusion. The essay only consists of one paragraph with no clear introduction or conclusion. (“If there were a new kid from a differnt countrycoming to our school like Japan or something, he would have to learn loads of things, like our language and how to dress like an American. And tons of other stuff! And he would have get some new friends, he would have to learn to wright like us instead of writing in Japeneese or what ever you call it.And of course he would have to learn how to get in trouble!”)

Language Use & Style

Minimal language use and style are apparent in this essay. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience and makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ And he would have get some new friends, he would have to learn to wright like us instead of writing in Japeneese or what ever you call it.”)

The writer uses the same word, “and,” to begin three sentences in the essay. (“ And tons of other stuff! And he would have get some new friends, he would have to learn to wright like us instead of writing in Japeneese or what ever you call it.And of course he would have to learn how to get in trouble!”)

The essay should use more varied and appropriate transitions. (“If there were a new kid from a differnt countrycoming to our school like Japan or something, he would have to learn loads of things, like our language and how to dress like an American. And tons of other stuff! And he would have get some new friends, he would have to learn to wright like us instead of writing in Japeneese or what ever you call it.And of course he would have to learn how to get in trouble!”)

The sentences in this essay are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“If there were a new kid from a differnt countrycoming to our school like Japan or something, he would have to learn loads of things, like our language and how to dress like an American. And tons of other stuff! And he would have get some new friends, he would have to learn to wright like us instead of writing in Japeneese or what ever you call it.And of course he would have to learn how to get in trouble!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Minimal control of conventions and mechanics is shown in this essay. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

The essay does not:

Make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action). (“ And tons of other stuff!”)

Make sure each sentence in the essay consists of words spelled correctly. (“If there were a new kid from a differnt countrycoming to our school like Japan or something, he would have to learn loads of things, like our language and how to dress like an American. And tons of other stuff! And he would have get some new friends, he would have to learn to wright like us instead of writing in Japeneese or what ever you call it.And of course he would have to learn how to get in trouble!”)

Begin each sentence with a word other than “and.” (“ And tons of other stuff! And he would have get some new friends, he would have to learn to wright like us instead of writing in Japeneese or what ever you call it.And of course he would have to learn how to get in trouble!”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

oneday a new student came he was from a nothere contry I went to say hi. then I tolde him how to be succesfull this is what i said he shoud do lestin to the theacher and study what the teacher gave him and to be Respecfull and No talkingback my name is ALEX iam nine.he asked me if this school was graet and I said yes.he diden't new all the ruels but he memorize them.he is steal hear

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in this essay are inadequate. The essay fails to establish a controlling idea, demonstrates no understanding of purpose and audience, and completes no parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“oneday a new student came he was from a nothere contry I went to say hi. then I tolde him how to be succesfull this is what i said he shoud do lestin to the theacher and study what the teacher gave him and to be Respecfull and No talkingback my name is ALEX iam nine.he asked me if this school was graet and I said yes.he diden't new all the ruels but he memorize them.he is steal hear”)

The essay does not state the controlling idea of the essay. (“oneday a new student came he was from a nothere contry I went to say hi. then I tolde him how to be succesfull this is what i said he shoud do lestin to the theacher and study what the teacher gave him and to be Respecfull and No talkingback my name is ALEX iam nine.he asked me if this school was graet and I said yes.he diden't new all the ruels but he memorize them.he is steal hear”)

The point of view or argument of the essay is not stated. (“oneday a new student came he was from a nothere contry I went to say hi. then I tolde him how to be succesfull this is what i said he shoud do lestin to the theacher and study what the teacher gave him and to be Respecfull and No talkingback my name is ALEX iam nine.he asked me if this school was graet and I said yes.he diden't new all the ruels but he memorize them.he is steal hear”)

Content & Development

Content and development in this essay are inadequate. The essay fails to develop ideas, using no details to support ideas.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the controlling idea of the essay. (“oneday a new student came he was from a nothere contry I went to say hi. then I tolde him how to be succesfull this is what i said he shoud do lestin to the theacher and study what the teacher gave him and to be Respecfull and No talkingback my name is ALEX iam nine.he asked me if this school was graet and I said yes.he diden't new all the ruels but he memorize them.he is steal hear”)

At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. (“oneday a new student came he was from a nothere contry I went to say hi. then I tolde him how to be succesfull this is what i said he shoud do lestin to the theacher and study what the teacher gave him and to be Respecfull and No talkingback my name is ALEX iam nine.he asked me if this school was graet and I said yes.he diden't new all the ruels but he memorize them.he is steal hear”)

Details (including examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate evidence. (“oneday a new student came he was from a nothere contry I went to say hi. then I tolde him how to be succesfull this is what i said he shoud do lestin to the theacher and study what the teacher gave him and to be Respecfull and No talkingback my name is ALEX iam nine.he asked me if this school was graet and I said yes.he diden't new all the ruels but he memorize them.he is steal hear”)

Organization

Inadequate organization is evident in this essay. The writing demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion, no evidence of paragraphing, and no transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a good introduction. (“oneday a new student came he was from a nothere contry I went to say hi. then I tolde him how to be succesfull this is what i said he shoud do lestin to the theacher and study what the teacher gave him and to be Respecfull and No talkingback my name is ALEX iam nine.he asked me if this school was graet and I said yes.he diden't new all the ruels but he memorize them.he is steal hear”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“oneday a new student came he was from a nothere contry I went to say hi. then I tolde him how to be succesfull this is what i said he shoud do lestin to the theacher and study what the teacher gave him and to be Respecfull and No talkingback my name is ALEX iam nine.he asked me if this school was graet and I said yes.he diden't new all the ruels but he memorize them.he is steal hear”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“oneday a new student came he was from a nothere contry I went to say hi. then I tolde him how to be succesfull this is what i said he shoud do lestin to the theacher and study what the teacher gave him and to be Respecfull and No talkingback my name is ALEX iam nine.he asked me if this school was graet and I said yes.he diden't new all the ruels but he memorize them.he is steal hear”)

Language Use & Style

Inadequate language use and style are apparent in this essay. The writing demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ oneday a new student came he was from a nothere contry I went to say hi.”)

Exact words are missing, as in the following sentence: “ he diden't new all the ruels but he memorize them.”

Transitions are needed. (“oneday a new student came he was from a nothere contry I went to say hi. then I tolde him how to be succesfull this is what i said he shoud do lestin to the theacher and study what the teacher gave him and to be Respecfull and No talkingback my name is ALEX iam nine.he asked me if this school was graet and I said yes.he diden't new all the ruels but he memorize them.he is steal hear”)

The style is not formal. (“oneday a new student came he was from a nothere contry I went to say hi. then I tolde him how to be succesfull this is what i said he shoud do lestin to the theacher and study what the teacher gave him and to be Respecfull and No talkingback my name is ALEX iam nine.he asked me if this school was graet and I said yes.he diden't new all the ruels but he memorize them.he is steal hear”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Control of conventions and mechanics in this essay is inadequate. Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

The essay does not:

Make sure each sentence contains words that are spelled correctly. (“oneday a new student came he was from a nothere contry I went to say hi. then I tolde him how to be succesfull this is what i said he shoud do lestin to the theacher and study what the teacher gave him and to be Respecfull and No talkingback my name is ALEX iam nine.he asked me if this school was graet and I said yes.he diden't new all the ruels but he memorize them.he is steal hear”)

End each sentence with a punctuation mark. (“ he asked me if this school was graet and I said yes.he diden't new all the ruels but he memorize them.he is steal hear”)

Begin each sentence with a capital letter. (“ a new student came he was from a nothere contry I went to say hi.”)

A Person You Admire

Think of a person whom you look up to and admire. What do you admire about this person? How has this person had an influence on you? Explain why you chose this person, what qualities you admire in this person, and explain how this person has influenced you.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I admire my god sister, Jenna. Her and her mom fight a lot, and it does make me feel uncomfortable when they argue in front of me, but nobody is perfect. Jenna is a fourteen year old in high school, and is a very good listener. I can tell her all my problems without worrying that she's going to call me stupid or that she's going to tell my parents or my sister. Sometimes she even asks me if I have a problem. She isn't embarrassed to have me with her, even if all of her friends are around. She'll try her best to get me involved in the conversation, but if her friends have a problem with me, she'll ditch them instead of me.

I chose Jenna because I've known her all my life and I hope she always will be there. I think she cares about me more than anyone else. She even said, "Watch, when I'm eighteen, I'm going to adopt you and your sister." I remember this one time I was wearing her huge earring, and she accidentally pulled on one of them. My ear was barley bleeding, but she removed the earring and went downstairs to get some disinfecting stuff. When she returned she put some of the liquid on a cotton ball, and she told me to put it on my ear. I really admire her kindness to me. I also admire the way she says "sorry" for small things she does. For example, if she drops a slice of bread on the floor she'll say "sorry" for that. I most admire the way she takes the blame for things she didn’t do. I once left a mess in the living room and my mom seriously flipped out. Jenna entered the room, and she took the blame.

Jenna has influenced me by making me sit down so she could talk to me. We would talk about a problem I was having, and she would give me advice on how to make the right choice. She influenced me to do the right thing, even if nobody is with me. Jenna has also influenced me by demonstrating what I should be doing. She'll do something wrong just to show me it was wrong. Most of the time I got the hint that she was role-playing, but not all the time. One day, when I was about five years old, Jenna was arguing with her cousin, only to show me that when I argue with someone I shouldn't yell my lungs out at them; instead I should speak to them calmly. I watched the first half of their argument, when they were yelling at each other, but then they started speaking calmly. I got bored and left. Jenna finally realized, came after me, and asked me, "What was the whole point of our fight?" I replied, “ Erin shouldn't have taken your glasses." Jenna laughed a little bit, and then she explained to me what the point was.

I'm glad Jenna is here for and with me. Without her I might not be that person I am today. She has influenced me, taught me, and we both enjoyed the time we spent together. Her guidance has helped me a lot. I have learned from her mistakes and the mistakes I have made that she has pointed out to me. She has gotten me out of both major problems and simple problems. I really hope Jenna will stay the same way forever. If she does change in a bad way, at least I'll have my memories when she was the way she is right now.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This is a very effective response. It maintains an insightful controlling idea, demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes all parts of the task. The essay grabs the readers’ attention by very effectively using an interesting statement, a question, or an engaging statement in the beginning of the introduction. All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea. Although the author does have a small amount of unnecessary information, the vast majority of the details are focused on explaining the author’s relationship with his or her god sister. The author’s comments are insightful and thought provoking throughout. (“ She isn't embarrassed to have me with her, even if all of her friends are around. She'll try her best to get me involved in the conversation, but if her friends have a problem with me, she'll ditch them instead of me.”)

Content & Development

In this response, the author develops supporting ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details to support ideas. For instance, the author writes, “ I think she cares about me more than anyone else,” and then goes further by providing a touching story that conveys the true meaning of “caring.” The author uses supporting details very well. Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. The essay includes facts and statistics, examples, brief narratives, or explanations to tell a small story. The writer also includes characters’ actual actions, words, or quotes. (“Jenna has influenced me by making me sit down so she could talk to me. We would talk about a problem I was having, and she would give me advice on how to make the right choice.”)

Organization

This response maintains a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. The author then begins to break ideas into their own separate paragraphs. The author uses transitions to effectively move between ideas. The essay concludes by summarizing the ideas discussed and by providing some sense of closure on the topic. (“ I'm glad Jenna is here for and with me. Without her I might not be that person I am today. She has influenced me, taught me, and we both enjoyed the time we spent together. Her guidance has helped me a lot.”)

Language Use & Style

This author uses language effectively, demonstrating precise language use, artful word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. The author’s use of dialogue is especially effective in conveying the main character’s relationship with Jenna. The language and tone are consistent, and the author uses a coherent style throughout. (“Jenna has influenced me by making me sit down so she could talk to me. We would talk about a problem I was having, and she would give me advice on how to make the right choice. She influenced me to do the right thing, even if nobody is with me. Jenna has also influenced me by demonstrating what I should be doing. She'll do something wrong just to show me it was wrong.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay uses very effective control of conventions and mechanics. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence is indented when beginning a new paragraph, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ She isn't embarrassed to have me with her, even if all of her friends are around. She'll try her best to get me involved in the conversation, but if her friends have a problem with me, she'll ditch them instead of me.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

This essay is not only about a person I admire, but also a person that is very important to me and my life. This person means a lot. I mean a whole lot. A person that I admire is my dad.

I admire my dad because he is cool. He is cool because he loves riding dirt bikes in the sand and playing video games with my family. My dad is a cool person also because he works in the garge building and fixing things and then he gets all dirty. Once I got to help him make a bow to put our dirt bike helmets in. It worked for a while, but we went over a bump and it fell of the trailer and broke. So we got out and picked up the helmets and continued our drive home.

My dad is also very intelligent. My dad is bright because he always seems to fix the computer when ever it freezes, falls apart, etc. My dad can cook really tasty hamburgers. He cooks them for a long time and then he marinates them. It makes your mouth water when you stand by the stove and smell or stare at them. When they are done they are big and juicy and you would want more. My dad is very good at riding dirt bikes. He knows how high he should jump to do a trick and he knows all the safety rules. I think he shouls race dirt bikes.

My dad is also nice. He helps my brother and I on our homework even if he doesn't understand it. My dad likes to play video games with me after school when I do my homework of course. He plays Ghost Recon and SSX3. I think he is better at Ghost Recon because no one in my neighborhood can beat him. My dad always helps people when they need help. Like if a homeless person asked for a dollar he would give them ten dollars. He says he doesn't mind giving them money but why do they have to find me?

In conclusion, my dad is the greatest and I hope everyone has a dad like him in their life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This author maintains a central idea (“ A person that I admire is my dad ”) and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose of the prompt and the intended audience. Most parts of the task, with the exception of a fully detailed conclusion, are completed in this essay. The author rarely, if ever, provides irrelevant information. (“I admire my dad because he is cool. He is cool because he loves riding dirt bikes in the sand and playing video games with my family. My dad is a cool person also because he works in the garge building and fixing things and then he gets all dirty.”)

Content & Development

Overall, this essay develops ideas clearly, using sufficient appropriate details to support ideas. For example, the author expresses well the simple yet powerful qualities that are admired in his/her father. However, the author should say more about how the father has influenced the author. Does the author desire, for example, to be a father like the one described? The essay does provide a successful and effective introduction. Transitions are used effectively for an elementary student. The conclusion, while short, does attempt to sum up an overall feeling that is represented in the rest of the essay. (“In conclusion, my dad is the greatest and I hope everyone has a dad like him in their life. ”)

Organization

This essay is generally well organized. While an introduction and conclusion are present, the ideas in each paragraph do not always relate to each other. (“ My dad is also very intelligent. My dad is bright because he always seems to fix the computer when ever it freezes, falls apart, etc. My dad can cook really tasty hamburgers.”) Also, the conclusion is noticeably short. A revision of this essay should include a more substantive conclusion that ties the essay together and presents readers with closure.

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates appropriate language use and word choice, with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. The language and tone are consistent and allow readers to easily connect ideas with the topic. (“My dad is very good at riding dirt bikes. He knows how high he should jump to do a trick and he knows all the safety rules. I think he shouls race dirt bikes.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This author maintains good control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. While several spelling errors (“ garge ”) can be detected, they are few and far in between. For the most part, the author adheres to the rules of grammar and punctuation. (“This essay is not only about a person I admire, but also a person that is very important to me and my life. This person means a lot. I mean a whole lot. A person that I admire is my dad.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

My grandpa is the one that I admire the most in my family. I look up to him not only because he is 6'8, but also because of his many good qualities. He is a hard worker even though he is retired. My grandpa is 57 years old, his name is Joe R. Smith. He is my hero.

Whenever I am in a bind of any sort, my grandpa is always there for me no matter what. If something in my house breaks, he is there to fix it. And he does it with a smile. He is what you might call a handyman because he can fix almost anything. Not only is he a good repairman, he is also a good friend. Once I was having an argument with one of my peers and he hit me. Luckily my grandpa saw it, (it was after school) and he was furious! So he walked up to the office and complained for me.

When I grow up, I want to be just like my grandpa. A hard-working, loving individual who cares deeply about his family. Have you ever heard the metaphor, "God could not be everwhere so he invented grandpas?" I think that perfectly describes him. I someday hope to have grandkids so I can be there for them as often as he is there for me. That is why my grandpa is my hero.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Overall, this author establishes a controlling idea (“ He is my hero ”) and demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience. The task is essentially completed when the author concludes, “ That is why my grandpa is my hero .” The writer understands the audience adequately and provides enough information to prove he or she understands what readers are expecting. (“I someday hope to have grandkids so I can be there for them as often as he is there for me. That is why my grandpa is my hero.”) Essays at this level should have no or very few contradictions and should provide little or no irrelevant information. (“Have you ever heard the metaphor, "God could not be everwhere so he invented grandpas?" I think that perfectly describes him.”)

Content & Development

In this response, the author develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details to support ideas. The readers are given enough information to form an image of the admired person’s good qualities and how they have impacted the author. (“When I grow up, I want to be just like my grandpa. A hard-working, loving individual who cares deeply about his family.”) This essay could be improved with the addition of more supporting details. For example, the author could supply an interesting story of how the grandfather has had to fix something around the house. The author does provide a substantive introduction and conclusion as well as a number of adequate examples.

Organization

This essay demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and meaningful conclusion. There is effective use of humor to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction: “ I look up to him not only because he is 6'8….” The essay’s body paragraph then proceeds to detail examples of how the grandfather is a good role model. The author provides a creative conclusion by giving the readers something to think about. (“ Have you ever heard the metaphor, ‘God could not be everwhere so he invented grandpas?’ I think that perfectly describes him.”)

Language Use & Style

Overall, this essay reveals appropriate language use and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. There are generally correct sentences, with the exception of the fragment, “ A hard-working, loving individual who cares deeply about his family, ” which show some variety. (“He is what you might call a handyman because he can fix almost anything. Not only is he a good repairman, he is also a good friend.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This author adequately controls the conventions and mechanics of writing. A few errors are detectable—notice the spelling oversight “ everwhere ”—but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. Most sentences have a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and most sentences begin with a capital letter. (“Once I was having an argument with one of my peers and he hit me. Luckily my grandpa saw it, (it was after school) and he was furious! So he walked up to the office and complained for me.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The person I most admire is my mom. She is a very hard working person. She is very important to me in my life and to me.

I admire my mom beacause she is a single mom, and she takes care of me and the bills. That is amazing to do and be a single mother. She finds time to take me to school, wash the car, and make breakfeast, lunch, and dinner. Her job is very tireing to her. She doesent even have help from people. I think she is the best mom in the world to me. She is very proud of what she does in her life.

With all the hard work my mom does it made me think about my future. I should stay in school and get good grades. Wich will lead to a good job, and a good future in life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay establishes a controlling idea (“ The person I most admire is my mom ”) and partially completes the assigned task. This essay would benefit from additional detail; for example, the admirable qualities the author’s mother possesses and how they have impacted the author. The essay is generally focused throughout, but the lack of content hinders the ability to judge whether or not there is truly sufficient focus. (“I think she is the best mom in the world to me. She is very proud of what she does in her life.”)

Content & Development

This author develops supporting ideas briefly and shows some understanding of the deeper purpose of the task. In the final paragraph, the author superficially delves into the ways this most admired person has affected the author’s life (“ it made me think about my future ”). However, there is a limited amount of content, and the author provides an incomplete conclusion and a limited introduction.

Organization

The beginnings of an organized structure are evident in this essay. A basic introduction, body, and conclusion are provided. Ideally, the author should incorporate additional transitions to help move between ideas. Each body paragraph should explore a different aspect of the topic with several details explained. (“ I admire my mom beacause she is a single mom, and she takes care of me and the bills. That is amazing to do and be a single mother.”)

Language Use & Style

This author’s language remains simple. Several sentences begin in a repetitive manner (“She is,” “She finds,” “She doesent,” etc.), although the author does demonstrate an awareness of audience. Words can be repetitive and sentences are often very short. (“Her job is very tireing to her. She doesent even have help from people. I think she is the best mom in the world to me. She is very proud of what she does in her life.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

In this essay, the author demonstrates limited control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation (“ doesent ”), and spelling (“ beacause ”) detract from the communication of the message and should be improved. Essays at this level are often considerably worse than an essay of a score point 4, since mechanics and conventions are often critical to prove understanding. In this case, the author has errors consistent with an adequate upper elementary essay, but a significant lack of content brings the essay down.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

A person I amire is mike. mike is 10 years old. He has blue eyes, and brown hair. He is four feet tall. But the reasen I amire mike is because He influence me to do my very best. He has influnce me to do my work. The most thing that I like about him is because he is my friend that helps every one.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response remains focused on a controlling idea, namely the person who the author admires, but provides only a minimal response to the prompt. In the end, much of the writing task remains incomplete. (“He has influnce me to do my work. The most thing that I like about him is because he is my friend that helps every one.”)

Content & Development

The ideas presented to support this author’s central thesis are simple and lack depth. The author provides some physical descriptions of the “admired person,” but says little about the qualities that matter most, which include the fact that “ He has influnce me to do my work. ” The author should expend more energy on developing this theme. The essay can further be expanded by providing a proper introduction and conclusion. Still, there is some indication that the author is prepared to expand upon ideas. (“The most thing that I like about him is because he is my friend that helps every one. ”)

Organization

There is little evidence of a unifying organizational structure in this essay. No meaningful introduction or conclusion is provided for readers. Ideas presented are not broken up by either paragraphing or effective transitions. (“ A person I amire is mike. mike is 10 years old. He has blue eyes, and brown hair. He is four feet tall.”)

Language Use & Style

This response is composed of simple language and sentences that contain many errors (“ mike is 10 years old ” and “ He is four feet tall ”). The sentences are often short and there is little indication that the author understands the audience. Essays at this level often show no use of transitions. Simple words and phrases are used and sentences can be too short or too long, often making the essay incomprehensible. (“But the reasen I amire mike is because He influence me to do my very best.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This response exemplifies the author’s m inimal control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Significant errors in grammar (“ The most thing that I like about him is because… ”), mechanics, punctuation, and spelling (“ reasen ” and “ influnce ”) substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I like my siter Jennifer. cause she is nice and tall and scinny. she play me she houe woke. she take me some will to for. birthtay. I know it ws ns for her. Ti was fun and I hope I can go be wit her again soon. Maybe bye.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Although the author makes an attempt at establishing a thesis (“I like my siter Jennifer. cause she is nice and tall and scinny.”), he/she fails to create any relevant meaning or focus. The author demonstrates little understanding of the purpose of the assignment and, therefore, completes few parts of the task.

Content & Development

This essay fails to develop support for its thesis. Even though the author lists a few ideas (“she play me she houe woke. she take me some will to for. birthtay. ”), they are unclear and lack elaboration. This response does not inform the readers with sufficient information. The essay is barely long enough to receive a score, but it is on topic and it does provide enough information for readers to determine that the author understands the assignment. (“ I like my siter Jennifer. cause she is nice and tall and scinny. she play me she houe woke. she take me some will to for. birthtay.”)

Organization

No reasonable organizational structure can be detected in this short response. It is closer to the origins of a paragraph than an essay. It is missing an introduction, body, conclusion, and transitional devices. (“I like my siter Jennifer. cause she is nice and tall and scinny. she”)

Language Use & Style

Using unclear or incoherent language, the author demonstrates no awareness of the audience. The entire essay consists of two very poor sentences, which contain major errors in structure, word choice, and usage.

Mechanics & Conventions

This writer demonstrates inadequate control of the conven t ions and mechanics of writing. Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation (“I like my siter Jennifer. she is nice and tall and scinny. ”) , and spelling (“birthtay “) significantly interfere with the communication of the message. At times, the essay is barely comprehensible and only receives a score because other parts of the essay redeem it. (“she take me some will to for. birthtay. I know it ws ns for her.”)

Being a Responsible Student

While speaking to a group of our nation's students in 2009, President Barack Obama said the following: “But at the end of the day, we can have the most dedicated teachers, the most supportive parents, and the best schools in the world and none of it will matter unless all of you fulfill your responsibilities.”

As a student, how can you fulfill the responsibilities President Obama discusses? For example, can you complete your homework, be respectful to your classmates, or help your teacher(s) with tasks in the classroom?

Write a detailed, multi-paragraph letter to the president describing how you are a responsible student or what you plan to do to become a more responsible student. Be as descriptive and detailed as possible.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear President Obama,

If you can take the time to recall back to your back to school speech you might remember when you said that it all comes down to us and our responsibilities. I was touched by your speech and in this heartfelt letter I will explain what I do help my self grow and contribute to the child agriculture program known as school. The three things I find most important are respect for your teachers, completion of homework, focus, concentration and above all the motivation to strive to greater hights. These qualities are what I think every student should strive to achieve.

The number one thing in my opinion is to have respect for your teachers. This is the cherry on top of the sundae of learning. I know from experience that a good relationship with your teachers is essential. If you a good relationship with your teachers than you will have a positive feeling toward school. I know from experience that if you like something you tend to work harder on it. Also you must think to the future, where you will have to work with tons of different people. You might get along with all of them and you might not. If your attitude toward school immediately becomes negative then your ability to learn is greatly decreased. The whole point of school is to learn and when you lose your desire to learn, you are a bird without wings.

The second value I have is completion of homework. I think this is more important than school work itself. It exhibits independence and that the student can fend for him or herself. When you do your own homework it prepares you for the real world. School is not about getting help from peers or teachers. Getting help is not a bad thing but in the office environment you may not be so lucky. Homework is like training. When you learn an instrument you will never get any better unless you practice. Homework simply, is just practice. If this rule is not followed the children who are out of shape and have not practiced will hold up the other students. Everyone is affected by other students' behavior.

My third and final point of interest is concentration. This is a trait I fail to see in my peers and is something that I think is gravely underrated. I think the classroom would be a better environment if every one was focused and concentrated on their work. I think of the class room as a pool of water and when the distraction of an unfocused student is thrown into the middle, the whole pool is disturbed. Others begin to talk, soon the ripple effect takes its toll and the whole classroom is sunk. This must be avoided so our classroom can become more efficient. For is the meaning of life nothing more than to refine ourselves in our own ways? School is here to guide us but if we get distracted than we will amount to nothing (which will just not do). So yes staying focused is key.

One final value I have is motivation. This is one of the most imprtant things that one can have. If you have no meaning to strive to do better than you wont do better. when you have meaning to do well such as a dream job then the thought of that dream gives you the power to take on any adversary. Another thing that goes hand in hand with this is determination. I used a great amount of determination while writing this letter. The computers score kept going down as my writing got better. This may have been some cruel way to build character, but I had the determination and motivation to strive to do better. My score new score may be worse than the last but deep inside I know it is better.

The ideas I have just outlined are the fertilizer that helps every seed of a student to grow (can you tell I'm a farmer?). If every student completed his or her homework, everyone paid attention, respected their teachers, and motivated themselves to do better, then the world would be a better place. Quite frankly you and all other coming presidents would have a much easier job. So there you have it. This is my credo and unlike many other kids I do want to have a future in politics, I do want to go to law school and I just might want to be the president. Without the values I have listed and adhere to as a student, I would never amount to anything.I hope to God that one day these traits will get me to where you are now.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea, demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, completes all parts of the task, and may even go beyond the limits of the task. The essay grabs the readers’ attention by very effectively using an interesting statement, a question, or an engaging statement at the beginning of the introduction. (“ I was touched by your speech and in this heartfelt letter I will explain what I do help my self grow and contribute to the child agriculture program known as school.”) All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. The tone is appropriate for this type of letter. The author uses creative phrases to keep readers’ attention. (“ This is the cherry on top of the sundae of learning.”) Essays at this level rarely have completely irrelevant information, but they may occasionally contain information that is only tangentially related to the main idea.

Content & Development

The essay develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details for support. Relevant points explain and illustrate very effectively. Supporting details develop the example well. (“You might get along with all of them and you might not. If your attitude toward school immediately becomes negative then your ability to learn is greatly decreased.”) In general, the details go above and beyond what is required by the prompt. Details are vivid enough for readers to easily understand the author’s intent. (“ I think of the class room as a pool of water and when the distraction of an unfocused student is thrown into the middle, the whole pool is disturbed.”) The essay includes facts and statistics, examples, brief narratives or explanations that tell a small story, actual words or quotes, or a definition of a difficult or important word about each of the main ideas.

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, effective use of paragraphing, and effective use of transitional devices throughout. The introduction creatively grabs readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ I was touched by your speech and in this heartfelt letter I will explain what I do help my self grow and contribute to the child agriculture program known as school.”) Since this essay is also a letter, the author tries to draw readers in by thanking the president for his speech. The author also provides background information for other readers unfamiliar with the prompt. Transitions are used well for an elementary-level writer. (“ One final value I have is motivation.”) The conclusion sums up the ideas presented and provides closure. (“Without the values I have listed and adhere to as a student, I would never amount to anything.I hope to God that one day these traits will get me to where you are now.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, a clear sense of audience, and uses well-structured and varied sentences. The language and tone are consistent. It is friendly yet professional. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ It exhibits independence and that the student can fend for him or herself. When you do your own homework it prepares you for the real world.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay uses very effective control of conventions and mechanics. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb, ends with a punctuation mark, is indented when beginning a new paragraph, and begins with a capital letter. There are a few minor errors throughout the response, but they do not impede meaning. (“ The three things I find most important are respect for your teachers, completion of homework, focus, concentration and above all the motivation to strive to greater hights.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Mr. President,

In your speech to American schoolchildren, you said "at the end of the day, we can have the most dedicated teachers, the most supportive parents, and the best schools in the world- and none of it will matter anless all of you fulfill your responsibilities." I, an American schoolchild, am writing to you to tell you what it is that I am doing to fulfill my responsibilities, and what I might need to do better.

To start with the positive, I would say that I'm fulfilling my most basic responsibilities. I show up at school daily, and sustain relatively god grades in my core subjects. (If I had to average out all my grades for the year, I would say that I would get an A-.) I also do basic chores around the house, (cleaning the cat box, etc.), and get along well with my parents.

But one can never be even close to perfect, and I am glad to say that being a human being, I will never truly run out of things to work on. Here are some of them.

First off, there is the large issue of procrastination. Procrastination, my dad says, runs in the family, and both my parents, have told me of their problems with it in the past. I seem to have inherited the procrastination gene, for almost every day, Dad has to remind me to do the things I have to do before the things I want to do. Almost every morning, I cause my family varying degrees of stress because I lounge around in bed and then have to scramble to get out the door. I even put off writing this letter until thelast allotted day! It seems to me that the only way to solve this problem is through continuously practicing good habits. Procrastinating is something that one can (and should) try to just stop doing.

Another issue is that of computer game use. In the evenings, I find that I have to struggle, not only to play games after doing the things I have to do, but to regulate the amount of time that I spend "gaming." Not only does playing more than 45 minutes on a certain day eats up too much of my time, I have found that it also over-stimulates me, and prevents me from having a restful sleep that night. The repercussions of this are obvious. I am working on limiting my "screen time," and have found that the use of timers greatly helps me set limits for myself.

I may have an abundance of things to work on (of which the two examples that I gave are but a few), but Mr. President, I assure you that like countless other American schoolchildren, I am trying my best to be the best person I can be, and fulfill my responsabilities.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient appropriate details for support. Supporting details develop the example well. The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. They are interesting and keep the readers’ attention throughout the essay. (“ I seem to have inherited the procrastination gene, for almost every day, Dad has to remind me to do the things I have to do before the things I want to do.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and consistent use of transitional devices. The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. It ends with a compelling thesis that effectively explains the purpose of the essay. (“ I, an American schoolchild, am writing to you to tell you what it is that I am doing to fulfill my responsibilities, and what I might need to do better.”) Transitions between paragraphs or sentences are used well. Finally, the conclusion is brief, but it provides some closure. The author promises to improve his or her commitments.

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice, a clear sense of audience, and uses well-structured sentences with some variety. The language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. Language is creative and interesting. (“ Almost every morning, I cause my family varying degrees of stress because I lounge around in bed and then have to scramble to get out the door.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay uses good control of conventions and mechanics. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, m ost sentences have a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and begin with a capital letter. There are some errors, but they are minor and do not interfere with meaning. (“ I even put off writing this letter until thelast allotted day!”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Mr. President,

I am a middle schooler and this is what I think a responsible student is. A responsible student does things like doing their homework, staying on task in school, being polite to your teachers and classmates, come to class on time prepared and remembering to ask for permission from a teacher.

The first thing I think you need to do to be a trustworthy student, is doing your homework even if you don't want to. Doing your homework is a big part in your grade and a way to practice what you learned in class so if you want to be a good student, doing your homework is a good way to show it. I think I get most of my homework on time by doing my homework when I get home and early in the morning.

Another suggestion is to stay on task in school. Paying attention to the teacher and what other kids have to say is a good way to stay on task. If you don't pay attention you mite not know what to do or get in trouble. I am dependable that I am staying on task in school and I know that because I am listening to the teacher, not having side conversations.

The next one I recommend is being polite to the teachers, because it is not vary well-mannered to call names, be sarcastic or swear at teachers. You could get yourself suspended by doing that. A way to be polite to teachers is to help them pick up, listen to what they say and follow the rules that the teacher has. I would volunteer sometimes to turn off the lights, or what ever.

Coming to class on time is also vary important because if you get multiple tardy you could again get suspended for coming to class on time. To come to class on time you could get your stuff you need and go to the class, sit down, wait for the teacher or the other students to sit down.

All the reasons I gave you are what I think a reasonable student is and what I am as one.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea, demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes many parts of the task. The thesis states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. (“I am a middle schooler and this is what I think a responsible student is.”) It is not creative or engaging in any way and does not provide readers with any background information, but it does sufficiently notify readers of the author’s intent. The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience. (“The next one I recommend is being polite to the teachers, because it is not vary well-mannered to call names, be sarcastic or swear at teachers.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. It develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support. The main ideas of the body paragraph support the thesis. (“Another suggestion is to stay on task in school.”) The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. At least three details are stated about each main idea. (“ Paying attention to the teacher and what other kids have to say is a good way to stay on task.”) Additional ideas would help enhance the argument, but the details the author provides are adequate.

Organization

The essay uses adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, but there is inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. The introduction does not creatively grab the readers’ attention, but it does provide a direct and clear thesis. (“ A responsible student does things like doing their homework, staying on task in school, being polite to your teachers and classmates, come to class on time prepared and remembering to ask for permission from a teacher.”) Transitions between paragraphs or sentences are used adequately. (“ The next one I recommend is being polite to the teachers, because it is not vary well-mannered to call names, be sarcastic or swear at teachers.”) The conclusion is very brief and is not sufficiently developed, but it does provide closure. (“ All the reasons I gave you are what I think a reasonable student is and what I am as one.”) Overall, it is still adequate for this grade level.

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. S entence lengths are adequately varied. Word choices are sometimes poor. Some of the content is well phrased and appropriate for the audience. (“ The next one I recommend is being polite to the teachers, because it is not vary well-mannered to call names, be sarcastic or swear at teachers.”) However, there are some responses that are too informal. (“I would volunteer sometimes to turn off the lights, or what ever.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates adequate control of mechanics and conventions. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and begin with a capital letter. There are some mistakes with spelling and grammar, but readers can usually infer the author’s intent. (“ Coming to class on time is also vary important because if you get multiple tardy you could again get suspended for coming to class on time”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Mr. Obama:

In my fifth grade class we have learned about having good responsibility. We watched your speech at school. I know that you want us to focus on this more. Teachers, parents, and some kids say the same thing too.

To me to be responsible is to carry all of your duties and act wieldy. In my class some students don't act responsible. When the teacher tells students to take care of something they really can't follow directions. They go on and on how they did something but, didn't listen. This skill will be important in life because when you get older you face many things and you will have to learn how to take care of them. Like when you go to the bank and take mney out of your bank account, you will have to carry the money carefully. That's a part of responsible.

Some things I can do to be responsible is to have good behavior,do my work on time, and listens to adults. It will be good to listen to adults because adults and other people because thay can tell and give us imporant tips in life. To have good behavior is a really good reponsibility because, when a teacher wants you to have behavior you have to try your best to handle yourself. To me this is a very responsible method in responsibility.

Many people in my clss wold love to hear your opion. Please send us your ideas on being responsable. I remember you told u that we can be anything we want to be as long as we get our education. You also said," But at the end of he day, we can have the most dedicated teachers, the most supportive parents, and the best schols in te world-and none of it will mter unles all of you fulfill your responsibilities." Also, thanks to you President Obama I became a more responsible student. After all of the kind and encourging words you spoke and gave us, I will be the"Best I Can Be!!!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience and completes only some parts of the task. The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. For example, the thesis is only somewhat clear. Still, there is some background information provided. (“We watched your speech at school. I know that you want us to focus on this more.”) The writing style is not always appropriate for the audience. It is clear that the author intends to be formal and respectful to the audience, but he/she needs to improve sentence structure in order to convince the audience of his/her credibility. (“To have good behavior is a really good reponsibility because, when a teacher wants you to have behavior you have to try your best to handle yourself.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. It develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support ideas. The essay uses some details to illustrate the main ideas, but more specifics would strengthen the argument. (“Some things I can do to be responsible is to have good behavior,do my work on time, and listens to adults.”) Many of the ideas presented are very general. (“To have good behavior is a really good reponsibility because, when a teacher wants you to have behavior you have to try your best to handle yourself.”) The response is somewhat repetitious.

Organization

The essay has limited organization. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. It also lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices. The essay demonstrates evidence of a good introduction by providing some basic background information and a thesis. (“ In my fifth grade class we have learned about having good responsibility.”) The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. There are few transitions used throughout, and the ones used are very basic. The conclusion does little to summarize the ideas presented, but it does provide closure. (“ After all of the kind and encourging words you spoke and gave us, I will be the’Best I Can Be!!!”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates simple language and word choice and some awareness of audience and control of voice. The biggest problem in this essay is poor language use. Sentences are far too informal. (“ Some things I can do to be responsible is to have good behavior,do my work on time, and listens to adults.”) Fragmented sentences disrupt the readers’ ability to comprehend the message, and many sentences are oddly phrased. (“ After all of the kind and encourging words you spoke and gave us, I will be the’Best I Can Be!!!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. The author should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. In this response, errors in mechanics and conventions are especially common. The author’s intent is not always clear. Even when readers can infer the author’s intent, it is very distracting to have this many spelling and mechanical errors. (“ Many people in my clss wold love to hear your opion.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

I can help my class Room by being a president like you. Sometime I help teacher out like if they need me to cry thing to they car I will. Aim a faintest role model for people. I am I good work, I turn in the homework. I makes sure is everybody O.K. Sometime I help my people at math time. President Barack Obama I want to be like you when I grow up because you were success full when you where a kid. Sometimes I don't be a role model for the kids. They got good grader because of you i follow your step to the road of success. One day I'll be.

I will be by my class in time when it time for learn. Some people in my class are not a good kid. The kids that do there are going to having a good job not couplet cans off the grass.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. The writer suggests a controlling idea but demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and completes few parts of the task. The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“ I can help my class Room by being a president like you. Sometime I help teacher out like if they need me to cry thing to they car I will.”) The writing style is not appropriate for the audience.

Content & Development

The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support. There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. (“ They got good grader because of you i follow your step to the road of success. One day I'll be.”) The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea.

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. There is little or no background information. (“ I can help my class Room by being a president like you. Sometime I help teacher out like if they need me to cry thing to they car I will.”) Transitions are not used. There is some use of paragraphing, but there is no clear conclusion or body paragraph.

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience. The author makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. Sentence lengths are short and often incomprehensible. The style is not formal. Sentences are fragmented to such a degree that they are difficult to understand. (“ They got good grader because of you i follow your step to the road of success. One day I'll be.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not end each sentence with a punctuation mark or begin each sentence with a capital letter. Large sections of text have very little control over the basics of punctuation or spelling, but readers can still understand the author’s intent if they make an effort. (“Sometime I help my people at math time. President Barack Obama I want to be like you when I grow up because you were success full when you where a kid. Sometimes I don't be a role model for the kids.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

dear barack obama,

in my school we could have the most dedicated techers in the school and the most nice parents.me as a studient id be respectful to my friend and to other people and magors. im respectful to others i dont wet in fights nither in troubel but i as a studient i hafe the nice teacher in the world and my parents are the best. about work, someties i have mising asigments but i try to bring them the the sone as posible. im resposible of my work i nebeer have to call my mom to come because i didt did my home work.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer fails to establish a controlling idea, demonstrates no understanding of purpose and audience, and completes no parts of the task. T he essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay does not state the central/controlling idea of the essay. It is clear the author wants to be a more respectful student, but there is still no thesis. (“me as a studient id be respectful to my friend and to other people and magors. im respectful to others i dont wet in fights nither in troubel but i as a studient i hafe the nice teacher in the world and my parents are the best.”) In general, the essay is too informal.

Content & Development

The writer fails to develop ideas and uses no details for support. Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. Details are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. There are no main ideas in the body paragraphs. Ideas that are presented are incomplete. (“ im resposible of my work i nebeer have to call my mom to come because i didt did my home work.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion and no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices. The essay demonstrates no evidence of a good introduction. Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are needed. The essay does not include a strong conclusion. Basically, there is no organization at all except for the first sentence, which serves to establish the meaning of the essay. By praising the teacher’s abilities, the student does provide a somewhat engaging introduction, but there are few other redeeming qualities in the essay. (“ in my school we could have the most dedicated techers in the school and the most nice parents.me as a studient id be respectful to my friend and to other people and magors.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. S entence lengths are short, there is repetition, and t ransitions are needed. The writer should use more varied and appropriate transitions. The style is not formal. Changing from first person to third person would make the purpose and audience clearer. The sentence structure is so poor that it is difficult to understand the author’s intent. The essay is barely scoreable. (“im resposible of my work i nebeer have to call my mom to come because i didt did my home work.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the message. The text is not indented when beginning a new paragraph, and each sentence does not begin with a capital letter. There is virtually no control over spelling, comma, and period usage or other basic essentials of the written language. (“im respectful to others i dont wet in fights nither in troubel but i as a studient i hafe the nice teacher in the world and my parents are the best. about work, someties i have mising asigments but i try to bring them the the sone as posible.”)

Compare and Contrast a Product

A comparison and contrast essay is one in which the writer identifies the similarities and differences between two people, places, things, or ideas in order to inform, persuade, or express an opinion. Select two different brands of a product that you use or enjoy (e.g., two different magazines, brands of potato chips, types of candy, etc.). Think about how these products are the same yet different.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Fashion magazines have varied throughout the world for centuries. They were made to discuss the latest fashion of the season, who's wearing what, advertise major high fashion brands, etc. Two main magazines that seem to catch the eye of young women interested in the fashion world are Seventeen magazine and Vogue magazine. Seventeen and Vogue has been around for a while now and definitely got their names famous around the world. Both aim for the same purpose which is style. Although they strive for the same goal, many similarities and differences are shown between the two well-known magazines.

Seventeen and Vogue both share the idea of fashion, but aim towards different audiences. Seventeen magazine was the first American magazine for teens. Their magazine is mainly directed to age's twelve to nineteen. Like Vogue itself, Seventeen is a helpful guide when informing teen about the latest in-style fashion, however it also contains more than that. Seventeen magazine has also been known as a magazine that provides the latest celebrity gossip, personal teenage stories, and quizzes to help keep their young audience interested and entertained. What teenage girl wouldn't enjoy quizzes that determine whether her perfect match is a jock, musician, hopeless romantic, or honor student? Vogue on the other hand directs more towards the older audience, like those wanting to succeed in a fashion career. Vogue magazine contains more of the high top fashion brands, articles written by professional fashion bloggers, and if there ever is any celebrity gossip it's mainly about what they're wearing in order to keep the older, more professional audience interested.

Both fashion magazines have grown miraculously over the past few years, growing along with the fashion too. Different than Seventeen however, Vogue is older and often chosen as an international favorite due to its longer history. Vogue was first established in the year 1892, where as Seventeen was established in the year 1944. Vogue is mainly chosen as the "better" magazine, and often read more because of how well-known it has become. From top fashion models, to top brands, Vogue has had it all on their covers, in their articles, and in their ads. The long-lasting magazine does have a bigger audience which consists of 11. 3 million reads, and an average of 1. 6 million online audience members. The magazine itself covers more fashion based topics, and even through the changing years, they've always had their traditional feel according to long term fans. Seventeen magazine does have a large audience as well, but because of its earlier age, it's not as well known and isn't often chosen over the classic Vogue magazine, which stands for "in-style" in French.

Similar to Vogue, Seventeen does have a large variety of inspiring articles, helpful tips, and promotes fashion icons. With all that, Seventeen does lack the more professional appearance Vogue succeeds in. Being that Vogue does have an older audience who tends to be a bit more professional, their appearance has more of a classier, more organized look. Unlike Vogue magazine, Seventeen likes to keep their appearance young and spontaneous. It's a way of keeping their younger audience entertained with the many colors and celebrity faces. Seventeen magazine tends to use almost every text feature in the book, where as Vogue keeps it more simple. Seventeen and vogue both have appearances to keep their audiences interested in the fashion and articles they are writing for their magazines.

Although Seventeen magazine and Vogue magazine have differences whether it's their appearance or the age of their audience, they both strive for the same goal, which is to keep their audience interested and educated towards today's in-style fashion. Both magazines have become worldwide successes in the departments of romance, fashion, celebrities, and more. They've gone far with published books consisting of fashion and beauty tips, winning awards, and being promoted by major companies. Together they continue to grow along with today's fashion, and their fans.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning by establishing and maintaining an insightful controlling idea and demonstrating a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience. He/she effectively completes all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task . Notably, the writer leaves readers with a clear picture of the similarities and differences between two popular magazine brands.

The writer’s introduction effectively directs the readers’ focus to a comparison of two popular magazine brands. (“Fashion magazines have varied throughout the world for centuries. They were made to discuss the latest fashion of the season, who's wearing what, advertise major high fashion brands, etc. Two main magazines that seem to catch the eye of young women interested in the fashion world are Seventeen magazine and Vogue magazine. Seventeen and Vogue has been around for a while now and definitely got their names famous around the world. Both aim for the same purpose which is style. Although they strive for the same goal, many similarities and differences are shown between the two well-known magazines.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. (“Seventeen and Vogue both share the idea of fashion, but aim towards different audiences. Seventeen magazine was the first American magazine for teens. Their magazine is mainly directed to age's twelve to nineteen. Like Vogue itself, Seventeen is a helpful guide when informing teen about the latest in-style fashion, however it also contains more than that. Seventeen magazine has also been known as a magazine that provides the latest celebrity gossip, personal teenage stories, and quizzes to help keep their young audience interested and entertained.”)

The writer delivers content that continually focuses on the requirements of the prompt task. (“Both fashion magazines have grown miraculously over the past few years, growing along with the fashion too. Different than Seventeen however, Vogue is older and often chosen as an international favorite due to its longer history. Vogue was first established in the year 1892, where as Seventeen was established in the year 1944. Vogue is mainly chosen as the ‘better’ magazine, and often read more because of how well-known it has become. From top fashion models, to top brands, Vogue has had it all on their covers, in their articles, and in their ads.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully, using a wide variety of appropriate details to support ideas.

The writer points out the differences in the target audience for each magazine with clarity. (“Like Vogue itself, Seventeen is a helpful guide when informing teen about the latest in-style fashion, however it also contains more than that. Seventeen magazine has also been known as a magazine that provides the latest celebrity gossip, personal teenage stories, and quizzes to help keep their young audience interested and entertained. What teenage girl wouldn't enjoy quizzes that determine whether her perfect match is a jock, musician, hopeless romantic, or honor student? Vogue on the other hand directs more towards the older audience, like those wanting to succeed in a fashion career.”)

The writer provides some statistics to illustrate the readership numbers between the two magazines. This kind of detail adds depth to the overall essay response. (“From top fashion models, to top brands, Vogue has had it all on their covers, in their articles, and in their ads. The long-lasting magazine does have a bigger audience which consists of 11. 3 million reads, and an average of 1. 6 million online audience members. The magazine itself covers more fashion based topics, and even through the changing years, they've always had their traditional feel according to long term fans. Seventeen magazine does have a large audience as well, but because of its earlier age, it's not as well known and isn't often chosen over the classic Vogue magazine, which stands for ‘in-style’ in French.”)

All of the writer’s body paragraphs contribute to a well-rounded response that supports the thesis statement and the requirements of the prompt task. (“Similar to Vogue, Seventeen does have a large variety of inspiring articles, helpful tips, and promotes fashion icons. With all that, Seventeen does lack the more professional appearance Vogue succeeds in. Being that Vogue does have an older audience who tends to be a bit more professional, their appearance has more of a classier, more organized look. Unlike Vogue magazine, Seventeen likes to keep their appearance young and spontaneous. It's a way of keeping their younger audience entertained with the many colors and celebrity faces. Seventeen magazine tends to use almost every text feature in the book, where as Vogue keeps it more simple.”)

Organization

The essay’s organization is very effective as well. The writer demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. There is effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout the essay response.

The writer effectively captures the readers’ attention in the introduction by clearly asserting a thesis that will carry the readers from start to finish with a sense of purpose. (“Fashion magazines have varied throughout the world for centuries. They were made to discuss the latest fashion of the season, who's wearing what, advertise major high fashion brands, etc. Two main magazines that seem to catch the eye of young women interested in the fashion world are Seventeen magazine and Vogue magazine. Seventeen and Vogue has been around for a while now and definitely got their names famous around the world. Both aim for the same purpose which is style. Although they strive for the same goal, many similarities and differences are shown between the two well-known magazines.”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect ideas between paragraphs and between sentences. (“Like Vogue itself, Seventeen is a helpful guide when informing teen about the latest in-style fashion, however it also contains more than that. Seventeen magazine has also been known as a magazine that provides the latest celebrity gossip, personal teenage stories, and quizzes to help keep their young audience interested and entertained. What teenage girl wouldn't enjoy quizzes that determine whether her perfect match is a jock, musician, hopeless romantic, or honor student? Vogue on the other hand directs more towards the older audience, like those wanting to succeed in a fashion career.”)

The writer includes an ending that summarizes the main similarities and differences between the two magazines and also provides readers with a sense of closure. (“Although Seventeen magazine and Vogue magazine have differences whether it's their appearance or the age of their audience, they both strive for the same goal, which is to keep their audience interested and educated towards today's in-style fashion. Both magazines have become worldwide successes in the departments of romance, fashion, celebrities, and more. They've gone far with published books consisting of fashion and beauty tips, winning awards, and being promoted by major companies. Together they continue to grow along with today's fashion, and their fans.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is very effective. He/she demonstrates precise language and word choices, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the effectiveness of the writer’s response.

The writer chooses descriptive words to effectively illustrate many features that can be found in each women’s magazine. (“Seventeen magazine has also been known as a magazine that provides the latest celebrity gossip, personal teenage stories, and quizzes to help keep their young audience interested and entertained. What teenage girl wouldn't enjoy quizzes that determine whether her perfect match is a jock, musician, hopeless romantic, or honor student? Vogue on the other hand directs more towards the older audience, like those wanting to succeed in a fashion career. Vogue magazine contains more of the high top fashion brands, articles written by professional fashion bloggers, and if there ever is any celebrity gossip it's mainly about what they're wearing in order to keep the older, more professional audience interested.”)

The writer employs some sophisticated word choices to enhance the overall message for the intended audience. (“Unlike Vogue magazine, Seventeen likes to keep their appearance young and spontaneous. It's a way of keeping their younger audience entertained with the many colors and celebrity faces. Seventeen magazine tends to use almost every text feature in the book, where as Vogue keeps it more simple. Seventeen and vogue both have appearances to keep their audiences interested in the fashion and articles they are writing for their magazines. ”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice throughout the essay response. The writer asserts information with authority, which strengthens his/her credibility with the intended audience. (“Both fashion magazines have grown miraculously over the past few years, growing along with the fashion too. Different than Seventeen however, Vogue is older and often chosen as an international favorite due to its longer history. Vogue was first established in the year 1892, where as Seventeen was established in the year 1944. Vogue is mainly chosen as the ‘better’ magazine, and often read more because of how well-known it has become. From top fashion models, to top brands, Vogue has had it all on their covers, in their articles, and in their ads. The long-lasting magazine does have a bigger audience which consists of 11. 3 million reads, and an average of 1. 6 million online audience members. The magazine itself covers more fashion based topics, and even through the changing years, they've always had their traditional feel according to long term fans.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the intended message in any way. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“Seventeen and Vogue both share the idea of fashion, but aim towards different audiences. Seventeen magazine was the first American magazine for teens. Their magazine is mainly directed to age's twelve to nineteen. Like Vogue itself, Seventeen is a helpful guide when informing teen about the latest in-style fashion, however it also contains more than that. Seventeen magazine has also been known as a magazine that provides the latest celebrity gossip, personal teenage stories, and quizzes to help keep their young audience interested and entertained. ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

TCBY's Frozen Yogurt vs. Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream

TCBY's frozen yogurt and Ben and Jerry's ice cream are both toothsome treats that are greatly enjoyed by millions of people. Whether it's the cool, refreshing taste or the sugary sweetness, we just can't get enough of these two items. On the other hand, have you ever wondered if these two products have any differences at all? Some may even argue that these desserts are exactly the same. What they don't know is that TCBY's frozen yogurt and Ben and Jerry's ice cream possess an abundance of differences; health benefits, texture, and ingredients being a few of the many. Both desserts have many similarities, but not as much as they have differences.

First, the ingredients in the frozen yogurt and ice cream are similar and differ greatly. There is no cream in TCBY's frozen yogurt, unlike Ben and Jerry's ice cream, they only use yogurt which is why the yogurt has a tart flavor. Ben and Jerry's Ice cream include condensed skim milk, liquid sugar cane giving it a sweet taste. The ice cream also includes chunks of chocolate, brownies, cookies, etc. Both products also contain calcium, high levels of protein, and vitamins. They also have a great deal of sugar, but TCBY's yogurt uses less sugar or, in some cases, a sweetener.

Since many of the ingredients in ice cream aren't nearly as beneficial as the ones in frozen yogurt, TCBY's are usually thought of as the healthy replacement. The yogurt contains live bacteria which are good for our immune system and enzymes that break down lactose allowing lactose intolerant people to enjoy this dessert. TCBY's yogurt is also low in fats and sugar. Ben and Jerry's ice cream, however, are usually high in fat and sugar. This is mainly because they include chunks of unhealthy treats in their ice cream. For example, in Ben and Jerry's Chubby Hubby ice cream contains pretzels covered in fudge and infused with peanut butter causing the ice cream to be 35, 310 calories per pint. This just proves that Ben and Jerry's ice cream aren't close to as beneficial as TCBY's frozen yogurt.

Not only does TCBY's frozen yogurt and Ben and Jerry's ice cream differ in ingredients and health benefits, but also in texture. Since TCBY's frozen yogurt doesn't use cream it has a hard, icy feel. When you eat the yogurt you'll notice that it isn't as soft as it appears. You may feel chunks of the yogurt instead of a smooth consistency. Although, Ben and Jerry's ice cream has a creamy texture because the ice cream is churned more than once. TCBY's frozen yogurt also freezes at a higher temperature which adds on to the icy texture so it won't melt as fast as ice cream.

In conclusion, TCBY's frozen yogurt and Ben and Jerry's ice cream aren't as similar as many people think. Ben and Jerry's ice cream aren't as healthy as TCBY's frozen dessert, both have different textures, and their ingredients aren't completely the same. At sight these products look the same but under the surface there are an abundance of differences. Even though there are many differences, that won't erase the fact that these two products are dessert favorites and will continue to be.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is good focus and meaning maintained throughout the essay. The writer establishes a clear controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience. The writer satisfies most parts of the prompt task.

The writer focuses quite clearly on the requirements of the prompt task by comparing and contrasting two brands of desserts. (“First, the ingredients in the frozen yogurt and ice cream are similar and differ greatly. There is no cream in TCBY's frozen yogurt, unlike Ben and Jerry's ice cream, they only use yogurt which is why the yogurt has a tart flavor. Ben and Jerry's Ice cream include condensed skim milk, liquid sugar cane giving it a sweet taste. The ice cream also includes chunks of chocolate, brownies, cookies, etc. Both products also contain calcium, high levels of protein, and vitamins. They also have a great deal of sugar, but TCBY's yogurt uses less sugar or, in some cases, a sweetener.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. (“Not only does TCBY's frozen yogurt and Ben and Jerry's ice cream differ in ingredients and health benefits, but also in texture. Since TCBY's frozen yogurt doesn't use cream it has a hard, icy feel. When you eat the yogurt you'll notice that it isn't as soft as it appears. You may feel chunks of the yogurt instead of a smooth consistency. Although, Ben and Jerry's ice cream has a creamy texture because the ice cream is churned more than once. TCBY's frozen yogurt also freezes at a higher temperature which adds on to the icy texture so it won't melt as fast as ice cream.”)

The writer remains focused on comparing and contrasting the two brands of desserts throughout the entire essay; this reveals a strong sense of audience awareness as well. (“Since many of the ingredients in ice cream aren't nearly as beneficial as the ones in frozen yogurt, TCBY's are usually thought of as the healthy replacement. The yogurt contains live bacteria which are good for our immune system and enzymes that break down lactose allowing lactose intolerant people to enjoy this dessert. TCBY's yogurt is also low in fats and sugar. Ben and Jerry's ice cream, however, are usually high in fat and sugar. This is mainly because they include chunks of unhealthy treats in their ice cream. For example, in Ben and Jerry's Chubby Hubby ice cream contains pretzels covered in fudge and infused with peanut butter causing the ice cream to be 35, 310 calories per pint. This just proves that Ben and Jerry's ice cream aren't close to as beneficial as TCBY's frozen yogurt.”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient and appropriate details to support ideas.

The writer includes a variety of details that explain the differences between TCBY's frozen yogurt and Ben and Jerry's ice cream. (“The yogurt contains live bacteria which are good for our immune system and enzymes that break down lactose allowing lactose intolerant people to enjoy this dessert. TCBY's yogurt is also low in fats and sugar. Ben and Jerry's ice cream, however, are usually high in fat and sugar. This is mainly because they include chunks of unhealthy treats in their ice cream. For example, in Ben and Jerry's Chubby Hubby ice cream contains pretzels covered in fudge and infused with peanut butter causing the ice cream to be 35, 310 calories per pint.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea in the topic sentence. (“First, the ingredients in the frozen yogurt and ice cream are similar and differ greatly. There is no cream in TCBY's frozen yogurt, unlike Ben and Jerry's ice cream, they only use yogurt which is why the yogurt has a tart flavor. Ben and Jerry's Ice cream include condensed skim milk, liquid sugar cane giving it a sweet taste. The ice cream also includes chunks of chocolate, brownies, cookies, etc. Both products also contain calcium, high levels of protein, and vitamins. They also have a great deal of sugar, but TCBY's yogurt uses less sugar or, in some cases, a sweetener.”)

The writer provides specific descriptions of each dessert’s texture to further underscore the differences between the two brands. (“Not only does TCBY's frozen yogurt and Ben and Jerry's ice cream differ in ingredients and health benefits, but also in texture. Since TCBY's frozen yogurt doesn't use cream it has a hard, icy feel. When you eat the yogurt you'll notice that it isn't as soft as it appears. You may feel chunks of the yogurt instead of a smooth consistency. Although, Ben and Jerry's ice cream has a creamy texture because the ice cream is churned more than once. TCBY's frozen yogurt also freezes at a higher temperature which adds on to the icy texture so it won't melt as fast as ice cream.”)

Organization

There is good organization of ideas throughout the essay. The writer demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. Additionally, consistent use of paragraphing and subtle transitional devices is reflected.

The writer provides a very descriptive introduction that engages the readers from the very beginning. (“TCBY's frozen yogurt and Ben and Jerry's ice cream are both toothsome treats that are greatly enjoyed by millions of people. Whether it's the cool, refreshing taste or the sugary sweetness, we just can't get enough of these two items. On the other hand, have you ever wondered if these two products have any differences at all? Some may even argue that these desserts are exactly the same. What they don't know is that TCBY's frozen yogurt and Ben and Jerry's ice cream possess an abundance of differences; health benefits, texture, and ingredients being a few of the many. Both desserts have many similarities, but not as much as they have differences.”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs are used well; however, the response could benefit from more effective transitions between sentences to improve the flow and sequence of ideas. (“Not only does TCBY's frozen yogurt and Ben and Jerry's ice cream differ in ingredients and health benefits, but also in texture. Since TCBY's frozen yogurt doesn't use cream it has a hard, icy feel. When you eat the yogurt you'll notice that it isn't as soft as it appears. You may feel chunks of the yogurt instead of a smooth consistency. Although, Ben and Jerry's ice cream has a creamy texture because the ice cream is churned more than once.”)

The essay’s conclusion provides the readers with a sense of closure. (“In conclusion, TCBY's frozen yogurt and Ben and Jerry's ice cream aren't as similar as many people think. Ben and Jerry's ice cream aren't as healthy as TCBY's frozen dessert, both have different textures, and their ingredients aren't completely the same. At sight these products look the same but under the surface there are an abundance of differences. Even though there are many differences, that won't erase the fact that these two products are dessert favorites and will continue to be.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good language use, voice, and style throughout the essay. He/she demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, good voice, and a clear sense of audience. Additionally, the writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety .

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay response. (“Not only does TCBY's frozen yogurt and Ben and Jerry's ice cream differ in ingredients and health benefits, but also in texture. Since TCBY's frozen yogurt doesn't use cream it has a hard, icy feel. When you eat the yogurt you'll notice that it isn't as soft as it appears. You may feel chunks of the yogurt instead of a smooth consistency. ”)

The writer creates some complex sentence structures to give the response a sense of sophistication. (“Ben and Jerry's ice cream, however, are usually high in fat and sugar. This is mainly because they include chunks of unhealthy treats in their ice cream. For example, in Ben and Jerry's Chubby Hubby ice cream contains pretzels covered in fudge and infused with peanut butter causing the ice cream to be 35, 310 calories per pint. This just proves that Ben and Jerry's ice cream aren't close to as beneficial as TCBY's frozen yogurt. ”)

The writer employs good word choices to describe the similarities and differences between the ingredients and benefits of TCBY’s frozen yogurt and Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. (“There is no cream in TCBY's frozen yogurt, unlike Ben and Jerry's ice cream, they only use yogurt which is why the yogurt has a tart flavor. Ben and Jerry's Ice cream include condensed skim milk, liquid sugar cane giving it a sweet taste. The ice cream also includes chunks of chocolate, brownies, cookies, etc. Both products also contain calcium, high levels of protein, and vitamins. They also have a great deal of sugar, but TCBY's yogurt uses less sugar or, in some cases, a sweetener.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits good control of mechanics and conventions throughout the essay. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all sentences contain appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“Since many of the ingredients in ice cream aren't nearly as beneficial as the ones in frozen yogurt, TCBY's are usually thought of as the healthy replacement. The yogurt contains live bacteria which are good for our immune system and enzymes that break down lactose allowing lactose intolerant people to enjoy this dessert. TCBY's yogurt is also low in fats and sugar. Ben and Jerry's ice cream, however, are usually high in fat and sugar. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

IPADS OR KINDLES

Which one do you prefer, a kindle or an IPad? Is one better than the other? If you do not know, then we need to research it. Luckily, I have already, which means that all you need to do is read this debate. Let us find out by learning the differences and comparisons of these two electronics that seem so similar.

An IPad and kindle can be alike in some ways. For example, they both involve technology. They are both very thin, and you could read with both of these electronics. However, regular kindles are very limited. You can only do one thing, read. It may not be much, but for many people, a good book is all they need.

Regular kindles cannot take photos, unlike the IPad. On a kindle, you cannot video chat. A good advantage about the kindle is it is small and portable, while the IPad is bigger. Regular kindles were made for reading classic, fantasy and other genres of books. You can read a book of a genre you please, and watch the words of the book flash underneath the screen of your kindle, without being tempted to look at your email, or look at the latest fashion updates. Regular Kindles are very thin and small. They are normally white and have many buttons. It has a smooth texture.

Let us not forget about the IPad. It has plenty of great and fantastic qualities too. For example, the IPad allows you to take as many photos as you want. The IPad lets you video chat all the time, and you can get many different applications. It can help you with your complicated homework that you have trouble with. You can go and purchase a fun-looking cover that matches your personality type. The IPad is technically a portable computer, which allows you to access the Internet anywhere in the world. The IPad is very thin and large. It usually is black. No, you cannot fit it in your pocket. The IPad can be educational too. If hooked up to the right equipment, you can teach your classroom any subject. You can download music of your taste. You can enjoy your favorite movies and television shows. You can do so much on the IPad. The possibilities are endless! From apple to neuropraxia, the IPad has everything you could think of.

Now you can see both of the good and bad qualities. The real question is, which one will you choose? IPad or Kindle? If you cannot decide, you might hurt your brain. I already know what one I want. It is the one that has more things you can do on it and it is black, although it comes in more colors, it is normally black.

Both of these electronics are great inventions, but I personally would prefer the IPad because you can do so much more than read. Although I love to read, I like playing games a little bit more.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains adequate focus and meaning in the essay. A controlling idea and a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task are revealed. The writer provides descriptions and details that are relevant and completes many parts of the task.

The thesis statement presents the controlling idea of the essay and the point of view of the writer adequately. (“Which one do you prefer, a kindle or an IPad? Is one better than the other? If you do not know, then we need to research it. Luckily, I have already, which means that all you need to do is read this debate. Let us find out by learning the differences and comparisons of these two electronics that seem so similar. ”)

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The essay is devoted to comparing and contrasting two brands of electronic tablets. (“Which one do you prefer, a kindle or an IPad? Is one better than the other? If you do not know, then we need to research it. Luckily, I have already, which means that all you need to do is read this debate. Let us find out by learning the differences and comparisons of these two electronics that seem so similar. An IPad and kindle can be alike in some ways. For example, they both involve technology. They are both very thin, and you could read with both of these electronics. However, regular kindles are very limited. You can only do one thing, read. It may not be much, but for many people, a good book is all they need.”)

The writing style is mostly appropriate for the audience; however, the writer should be mindful not to use any informal language with the intended audience. (“Now you can see both of the good and bad qualities. The real question is, which one will you choose? IPad or Kindle? If you cannot decide, you might hurt your brain. I already know what one I want.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas is adequate in the essay response. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support.

The essay contains some adequate details to illustrate the features of each electronic tablet for comparison purposes. (“Regular kindles cannot take photos, unlike the IPad. On a kindle, you cannot video chat. A good advantage about the kindle is it is small and portable, while the IPad is bigger. Regular kindles were made for reading classic, fantasy and other genres of books. You can read a book of a genre you please, and watch the words of the book flash underneath the screen of your kindle, without being tempted to look at your email, or look at the latest fashion updates. Regular Kindles are very thin and small. They are normally white and have many buttons. It has a smooth texture.”)

The details used to explain the differences between the two brands are adequate. (“The IPad is technically a portable computer, which allows you to access the Internet anywhere in the world. The IPad is very thin and large. It usually is black. No, you cannot fit it in your pocket. The IPad can be educational too. If hooked up to the right equipment, you can teach your classroom any subject. You can download music of your taste. You can enjoy your favorite movies and television shows. You can do so much on the IPad. The possibilities are endless! From apple to neuropraxia, the IPad has everything you could think of.”)

The writer should include more details about similarities between the two products to balance the information provided in the essay response. (“An IPad and kindle can be alike in some ways. For example, they both involve technology. They are both very thin, and you could read with both of these electronics. However, regular kindles are very limited. You can only do one thing, read. It may not be much, but for many people, a good book is all they need.”)

Organization

There is adequate organization in the essay. The writer provides an interesting opening to the response that keeps the readers reading. The essay generally flows smoothly from one idea to another with subtle transitions to support sequential development.

The beginning of the essay demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by posing a few questions to encourage the readers to examine their preferences between the two electronic tablets. (“Which one do you prefer, a kindle or an IPad? Is one better than the other? If you do not know, then we need to research it. Luckily, I have already, which means that all you need to do is read this debate. Let us find out by learning the differences and comparisons of these two electronics that seem so similar.”)

Subtle transitions are used to connect ideas. (“An IPad and kindle can be alike in some ways. For example, they both involve technology. They are both very thin, and you could read with both of these electronics. However, regular kindles are very limited. You can only do one thing, read. It may not be much, but for many people, a good book is all they need. ”) The writer should incorporate more transitions to connect the ideas in a more meaningful way.

The writer neglects to summarize the main points of the response in the conclusion; additionally, he/she does not leave the readers with too much to think about or give the readers a strong sense of closure. The writer should consider enhancing the conclusion with a summary of ideas and attempt to leave the readers with something to think about. (“Both of these electronics are great inventions, but I personally would prefer the IPad because you can do so much more than read. Although I love to read, I like playing games a little bit more.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is adequate. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, an awareness of audience, and control of voice. There is generally correct sentence structure with some variety .

Many sentences are short and choppy, containing singular thoughts. Creating some complex sentence structures with more descriptive details would engage the readers in a more meaningful way. (“The IPad is very thin and large. It usually is black. No, you cannot fit it in your pocket. The IPad can be educational too. ”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the response. He/she provides language that adequately describes the similarities and differences between the Kindle and IPad to the intended audience. (“You can read a book of a genre you please, and watch the words of the book flash underneath the screen of your kindle, without being tempted to look at your email, or look at the latest fashion updates. Regular Kindles are very thin and small. They are normally white and have many buttons. It has a smooth texture.

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the essay. (“The IPad can be educational too. If hooked up to the right equipment, you can teach your classroom any subject. You can download music of your taste. You can enjoy your favorite movies and television shows. You can do so much on the IPad. The possibilities are endless! From apple to neuropraxia, the IPad has everything you could think of. Now you can see both of the good and bad qualities. The real question is, which one will you choose? ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits adequate control of mechanics and conventions through most of the essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should ensure that sentences have subject-verb agreement, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences begin with capital letters, word selections are spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs are indicated with line breaks. (“A good advantage about the kindle is it is small and portable, while the IPad is bigger. Regular kindles were made for reading classic, fantasy and other genres of books. You can read a book of a genre you please, and watch the words of the book flash underneath the screen of your kindle, without being tempted to look at your email, or look at the latest fashion updates. ”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Dr. Pepper VS Cream Soda

In this essay there will be similarities and differences with Dr. Pepper and Cream Soda. Cream soda and Dr. Pepper have many reason why the are alike and different such are, there cost, there looks, and there taste.

The looks on the Cream Soda and the Dr. Pepper cans are very important. My opinion on witch soda looks better is, I think that the cream soda looks better because the cream soda has that look that is old fashion with the gold cans with the AW right in the center. I believe that the Dr. Pepper can is very nice just that the can is very boring and it is all red with the word Dr. Pepper only in white nothing else. When Cream Soda is all gold with white swirled all over it and than it has the big white AW right in the center. Cream soda is more fancy but still causal with the colors.

The taste is the most important part of the soda. Dr. Pepper has a very strong taste like ice tea is very strong but still sweet at the same time. Dr. Pepper has a lot of fizz and makes it feel like its sour but its not it is just the fizz. Cream soda is very sweet and refreshing. It is something that you can drink all day and not be dehydrated and needing something else to drink. Cream Soda is very lite. It is not a strong taste so I think of it as it of being lite.

Cream soda and Dr. Pepper have a very similar price rang. The price for Dr. Pepper for a twenty four pack of cans is $17.00. Cream soda is cheaper. Cream Soda is only $15.00. Most people rather spend less money so if i were the owner of the Dr. Pepper's company who is competing with all the other soda brand I would make the soda price cheaper.

Clearly I showed you several similarities and differences about Cream Soda and Dr. Pepper. Some are, The cost, the taste, and the look.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the essay. The writer establishes a limited controlling idea and demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she provides limited descriptions and details that may not give the readers a complete understanding of the intended message. Only some of the prompt’s tasks are addressed.

The essay reveals the controlling idea in a very limited way. (“In this essay there will be similarities and differences with Dr. Pepper and Cream Soda. Cream soda and Dr. Pepper have many reason why the are alike and different such are, there cost, there looks, and there taste. ”)

The writer attempts to focus on the differences in cost, look, and taste of each soda brand, but the descriptions are limited at best. (“Cream soda and Dr. Pepper have a very similar price rang. The price for Dr. Pepper for a twenty four pack of cans is $17.00. Cream soda is cheaper. Cream Soda is only $15.00. Most people rather spend less money so if i were the owner of the Dr. Pepper's company who is competing with all the other soda brand I would make the soda price cheaper. ”)

The writer should include more meaningful examples to illustrate the similarities and differences between Dr. Pepper and cream soda. The limited nature of the writer’s response leaves the readers with questions; they do not fully appreciate the similarities and differences that may exist between the two brands of soda. (“The looks on the Cream Soda and the Dr. Pepper cans are very important. My opinion on witch soda looks better is, I think that the cream soda looks better because the cream soda has that look that is old fashion with the gold cans with the AW right in the center. I believe that the Dr. Pepper can is very nice just that the can is very boring and it is all red with the word Dr. Pepper only in white nothing else. When Cream Soda is all gold with white swirled all over it and than it has the big white AW right in the center. Cream soda is more fancy but still causal with the colors.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. He/she develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support ideas.

The writer uses limited details to illustrate the main ideas. For example, the writer misses the opportunity to descriptively compare and contrast the way each product is packaged. By providing more information and descriptions, the readers could more fully appreciate the writer’s comparison of how each product looks and how appealing each may be to the intended audience. (“The looks on the Cream Soda and the Dr. Pepper cans are very important. My opinion on witch soda looks better is, I think that the cream soda looks better because the cream soda has that look that is old fashion with the gold cans with the AW right in the center. I believe that the Dr. Pepper can is very nice just that the can is very boring and it is all red with the word Dr. Pepper only in white nothing else. When Cream Soda is all gold with white swirled all over it and than it has the big white AW right in the center. Cream soda is more fancy but still causal with the colors. ”)

The main ideas in the body paragraphs support the thesis in very limited ways. Additionally, the repetitive nature of the writer’s support leaves the readers with many questions. (“Cream soda and Dr. Pepper have a very similar price rang. The price for Dr. Pepper for a twenty four pack of cans is $17.00. Cream soda is cheaper. Cream Soda is only $15.00. Most people rather spend less money so if i were the owner of the Dr. Pepper's company who is competing with all the other soda brand I would make the soda price cheaper.”)

The details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“The taste is the most important part of the soda. Dr. Pepper has a very strong taste like ice tea is very strong but still sweet at the same time. Dr. Pepper has a lot of fizz and makes it feel like its sour but its not it is just the fizz. Cream soda is very sweet and refreshing. It is something that you can drink all day and not be dehydrated and needing something else to drink. Cream Soda is very lite. It is not a strong taste so I think of it as it of being lite. ”)

Organization

There is limited organization of main ideas and supporting details in the essay. The writer demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. There is limited use of paragraphing, and the essay lacks some transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates a limited introduction. The writer discloses the two products he/she will be comparing and contrasting, but with limited background information and descriptive details, the readers struggle to picture the two soda products in their minds. (“In this essay there will be similarities and differences with Dr. Pepper and Cream Soda. Cream soda and Dr. Pepper have many reason why the are alike and different such are, there cost, there looks, and there taste. ”)

Strong transitions between paragraphs and between sentences are needed to enhance the flow of the writer’s ideas. Without these transitions, the writer’s ideas seem unrelated and disconnected from the overall thesis. (“The taste is the most important part of the soda. Dr. Pepper has a very strong taste like ice tea is very strong but still sweet at the same time. Dr. Pepper has a lot of fizz and makes it feel like its sour but its not it is just the fizz. Cream soda is very sweet and refreshing. It is something that you can drink all day and not be dehydrated and needing something else to drink. Cream Soda is very lite. It is not a strong taste so I think of it as it of being lite. ”)

The writer’s conclusion does not provide the readers with a sense of closure; additionally, it does not summarize the main ideas or leave readers with something to think about. (“Clearly I showed you several similarities and differences about Cream Soda and Dr. Pepper. Some are, The cost, the taste, and the look. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited use of language, voice, and style. The essay reveals simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, the word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

The lengths of some sentences are very short. This gives a short, choppy feel to the writer’s overall message. (“Cream soda and Dr. Pepper have a very similar price rang. The price for Dr. Pepper for a twenty four pack of cans is $17.00. Cream soda is cheaper. Cream Soda is only $15.00. ”) The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the response more interesting to the intended audience.

The sentences are not structured well; in some portions of the essay, there are run-on sentences. (“Most people rather spend less money so if i were the owner of the Dr. Pepper's company who is competing with all the other soda brand I would make the soda price cheaper. ”)

The writer’s word choices are very basic and repetitive. (“The looks on the Cream Soda and the Dr. Pepper cans are very important. My opinion on witch soda looks better is, I think that the cream soda looks better because the cream soda has that look that is old fashion with the gold cans with the AW right in the center. I believe that the Dr. Pepper can is very nice just that the can is very boring and it is all red with the word Dr. Pepper only in white nothing else. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The control of mechanics and conventions is limited in the essay response. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, new paragraphs are indicated with line breaks, the correct spelling of words is checked, and the proper use of words within the context of sentences is ensured. (“ When Cream Soda is all gold with white swirled all over it and than it has the big white AW right in the center. Cream soda is more fancy but still causal with the colors. ”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I will tell you about two cereals combined together. and those to cereals will taste good beacause it is honey nut cheerios and lucky charms.

honey nut cheerios has alot of sugar in it. and there is no chrosteral in it. but there is serving cups in it. also it has alot of flavor, and it is also hard to buy in store's also it has alot of calories in not have that much sodium. it may also have ingredients but not bad ingredients. cheerios also has vitamins in it like vitamins a, b, c, d. and honey nut cheerios to me is healthy. and the sugar. I think will make me really hipper. for when I eat that cereal.

cheerios was made by the company general mills. to me honey nut cheerios are the same. but I think that lucky charms is not sweet. hard to buy. has more sodium. also less calories and has a little bit of serving size cups. the ingredients. don't have nothing bad it has alot of flavor it has all of it's flavor. lucky charms's chrosteral is not that bad. the vitamins in it the vitamins are a, b, c, d those are good vitamins but does luky charms and cheerios has have that much in it beacause to me it dose'nt look like it needed to be four vitamins in it also. I think that they are both good.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes a vague controlling idea and demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. As a result, the writer completes few parts of the task.

The writer only minimally includes a central/controlling idea. (“I will tell you about two cereals combined together. and those to cereals will taste good beacause it is honey nut cheerios and lucky charms. ”)

The writer misses the opportunity to elaborate on the specific similarities and differences between the two brands of cereal. By neglecting to adequately compare and contrast various aspects of the brands, the response leaves the readers with many questions. (“it may also have ingredients but not bad ingredients. cheerios also has vitamins in it like vitamins a, b, c, d. and honey nut cheerios to me is healthy. and the sugar. I think will make me really hipper. for when I eat that cereal.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give the readers a true sense of the two brands of cereal being described. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“lucky charms's chrosteral is not that bad. the vitamins in it the vitamins are a, b, c, d those are good vitamins but does luky charms and cheerios has have that much in it beacause to me it dose'nt look like it needed to be four vitamins in it also. I think that they are both good.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support ideas.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s thesis statement. The writer attempts to compare and contrast two cereals; however, the information provided is fragmented and incoherent in many portions of the essay response. (“and the sugar. I think will make me really hipper. for when I eat that cereal. cheerios was made by the company general mills. to me honey nut cheerios are the same. but I think that lucky charms is not sweet. hard to buy. has more sodium. also less calories and has a little bit of serving size cups.”)

In this minimal response, the writer does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“honey nut cheerios has alot of sugar in it. and there is no chrosteral in it. but there is serving cups in it. also it has alot of flavor, and it is also hard to buy in store's also it has alot of calories in not have that much sodium. it may also have ingredients but not bad ingredients. ”)

Details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. Details should include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations that give the readers a clearer picture of the similarities and differences between these two brands of cereal. (“lucky charms's chrosteral is not that bad. the vitamins in it the vitamins are a, b, c, d those are good vitamins but does luky charms and cheerios has have that much in it beacause to me it dose'nt look like it needed to be four vitamins in it also. ”)

Organization

The essay’s organization is minimal as well. The writer provides an opening that minimally reveals the purpose of the prompt task. The response lacks effective transitional devices and paragraphing; furthermore, the writer provides little evidence of a strong ending.

The writer does not effectively grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“I will tell you about two cereals combined together. and those to cereals will taste good beacause it is honey nut cheerios and lucky charms.”)

There is no evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“cheerios also has vitamins in it like vitamins a, b, c, d. and honey nut cheerios to me is healthy. and the sugar. I think will make me really hipper. for when I eat that cereal.”)

The writer does little to include a strong conclusion. Summarizing ideas and leaving the readers with something to consider would bolster this section of the essay. (“I think that they are both good.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is minimal. The writer demonstrates simple, repetitive language and word choice with little awareness of audience. The essay also displays severe errors in sentence structure, syntax, and usage.

There is repetition in many portions of the essay response. (“the ingredients. don't have nothing bad it has alot of flavor it has all of it's flavor. lucky charms's chrosteral is not that bad. the vitamins in it the vitamins are a, b, c, d those are good vitamins but does luky charms and cheerios has have that much in it beacause to me it dose'nt look like it needed to be four vitamins in it also. ”)

Sentence fragments and syntax issues affect meaning for the readers. (“and there is no chrosteral in it. but there is serving cups in it. also it has alot of flavor, and it is also hard to buy in store's also it has alot of calories in not have that much sodium. ”)

The writer relies on short, choppy sentences and simple word choices. This negatively impacts the credibility of the writer for the intended audience. (“cheerios also has vitamins in it like vitamins a, b, c, d. and honey nut cheerios to me is healthy. and the sugar. I think will make me really hipper. for when I eat that cereal.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is minimal. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling which interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized essay. (“lucky charms's chrosteral is not that bad. the vitamins in it the vitamins are a, b, c, d those are good vitamins but does luky charms and cheerios has have that much in it beacause to me it dose'nt look like it needed to be four vitamins in it also.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I will be comparing potato chips the potato chips will be lays and have the same shape ruffles cheese the first thing that will compare them first. lays are flat and ruffles is the same shape as lays and lays is salter than ruffles but they are both very delicius. The differences lay are more thin and lighter than ruffles. ruffles are not thin and has ridges going own and up. lays do not have that going through up and down. and lays are yellow and ruffles are orange they are the same shape but they taste different two lays taste salty but ruffles taste cheesy those are comparing and contrasting.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. The writer does not establish an effective controlling idea and demonstrates little understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. The writer barely completes any parts of the task.

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience because he/she does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The writer attempts to compare two brands of potato chips, but his/her ideas are simple and repetitive. (“lays do not have that going through up and down. and lays are yellow and ruffles are orange they are the same shape but they taste different two lays taste salty but ruffles taste cheesy those are comparing and contrasting. ”)

The essay contains a vague central/controlling idea, which is not developed adequately through examples and descriptive details. (“I will be comparing potato chips the potato chips will be lays and have the same shape ruffles cheese the first thing that will compare them first. lays are flat and ruffles is the same shape as lays and lays is salter than ruffles but they are both very delicius. ”)

The essay’s lack of specific details renders the writer’s message ineffective and incomplete. (“The differences lay are more thin and lighter than ruffles. ruffles are not thin and has ridges going own and up. lays do not have that going through up and down.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer neglects to develop ideas, using few details to support ideas.

Little evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“The differences lay are more thin and lighter than ruffles. ruffles are not thin and has ridges going own and up. lays do not have that going through up and down.”)

In the one-paragraph response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs. At least three main ideas should be included as evidence. (“I will be comparing potato chips the potato chips will be lays and have the same shape ruffles cheese the first thing that will compare them first. lays are flat and ruffles is the same shape as lays and lays is salter than ruffles but they are both very delicius. The differences lay are more thin and lighter than ruffles. ruffles are not thin and has ridges going own and up. lays do not have that going through up and down. and lays are yellow and ruffles are orange they are the same shape but they taste different two lays taste salty but ruffles taste cheesy those are comparing and contrasting.”)

Details are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Details could include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations to bring the writer’s ideas to life. (“lays are flat and ruffles is the same shape as lays and lays is salter than ruffles but they are both very delicius. ”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate as well. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure, introduction, or conclusion; additionally, there is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“I will be comparing potato chips the potato chips will be lays and have the same shape ruffles cheese the first thing that will compare them first. ”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“lays are flat and ruffles is the same shape as lays and lays is salter than ruffles but they are both very delicius. The differences lay are more thin and lighter than ruffles. ruffles are not thin and has ridges going own and up. ”)

The essay does not contain a strong conclusion. (“…those are comparing and contrasting. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s language use, voice, and style are inadequate. He/she demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on sentences in many portions of the essay response. (“lays do not have that going through up and down. and lays are yellow and ruffles are orange they are the same shape but they taste different two lays taste salty but ruffles taste cheesy those are comparing and contrasting. ”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“I will be comparing potato chips the potato chips will be lays and have the same shape ruffles cheese the first thing that will compare them first. ”)

There are syntax issues that affect meaning for the readers. (“The differences lay are more thin and lighter than ruffles. ruffles are not thin and has ridges going own and up.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is inadequate. There are noticeable e rrors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, which significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Create an Animal

Create a new animal that could live in one of the regions of your state. Your animal must have physical and behavioral characteristics that will allow it to survive in the region's environment.

In a multi-paragraph essay, describe a new animal and the characteristics that allow it to survive in one of your state's regions. Include details that will enable the reader to picture and understand your animal.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Did you know the jumping skunk fish is part fish and it can stay underwater for a whole week? This is an adaptation because when it goes underwater, it has to have enough oxygen in its body to survive underwater. All animals have structural and behavioral adaptations. A structural adaptation is something that is in or on its body to help it live; for example, the jumping skunk fish's strong legs allow it to do things like jumping and swimming. On the other hand, a behavioral adaptation is a behavior animals have to survive; for example, the jumping skunk fish can spray a horrible smelling liquid out of its body. The jumping skunk fish is an amphibian that could live in the piedmont region of North Carolina because of its very special adaptations.

The jumping skunk fish has a white stripe going along both sides of its body. It has poisonous skin so I would watch out! The jumping skunk fish has a tail like a skunk, legs like a frog, and the body of a fish. Even though it spends most of its time underwater, it can still get you, but you are lucky if you don't live in the marsh, because that's the only place it lives. It jumps, runs, and swims; it also makes a hissing noise.

The albino jumping skunk fish is harmless, so if you see one and it is all white, it's harmless. The piedmont region of North Carolina is where the jumping skunk fish lives. It makes nests in hollow trees and sometimes it lives in abandoned burrows from moles and other animals. The other animals that live there are moles, fish, squirrels, snakes, turtles, alligators, raccoons, and numerous bugs like ants. Its main predator is the alligator. Guess what? If the alligator eats it, the poisonous skin will permeate its insides and make it die too! It has a mouth that can stretch to two feet long in length and two feet in height. Nature is an amazing thing!!

My animal, the jumping skunk fish, is an omnivore. It eats natural selections like berries, fish, small plants, and smaller animals. Its predators are humans and alligators. An omnivore, by definition, is someone or something that eats both plants and meat. My animal eats mostly meat, but in times when it is ill, it will eat plants. The places it gets its food from are underneath the marsh waters and on land.

The jumping skunk fish uses its strong front and back legs, its gigantic mouth, poison, and the horrible smelling liquid that will knock out anyone or anything in a matter of seconds, although not underwater.

When underwater, the liquid will just float in the water and disappear, so it has to use its big mouth and razor-like teeth. It also has a really thin and long tongue. While using its very long tongue, it can catch birds on tree branches, bobbing in the water, and sometimes right out of the sky. The ways it finds food isn't via camouflage; its mimicry. It stalks its prey so when it turns around, it moves too; it keeps stalking it until the prey comes to a stop, then stretches out its really big mouth, and eats it whole. Mission accomplished!

The jumping skunk fish really knows how to survive in its habitat. It uses all its inherent mechanisms to deal with its surroundings on a daily basis! They are a wonder of nature!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience. The writer effectively completes all parts of the task and leaves readers with a clear picture of the structural and behavioral adaptations of his/her imaginary animal.

The essay captures the readers’ attention by very effectively defining adaptations to begin the introduction. (“ Did you know the jumping skunk fish is part fish and it can stay underwater for a whole week? This is an adaptation because when it goes underwater, it has to have enough oxygen in its body to survive underwater. All animals have structural and behavioral adaptations. A structural adaptation is something that is in or on its body to help it live; for example, the jumping skunk fish's strong legs allow it to do things like jumping and swimming. On the other hand, a behavioral adaptation is a behavior animals have to survive; for example, the jumping skunk fish can spray a horrible smelling liquid out of its body. The jumping skunk fish is an amphibian that could live in the piedmont region of North Carolina because of its very special adaptations. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. (“ The albino jumping skunk fish is harmless, so if you see one and it is all white, it's harmless. The piedmont region of North Carolina is where the jumping skunk fish lives. It makes nests in hollow trees and sometimes it lives in abandoned burrows from moles and other animals. The other animals that live there are moles, fish, squirrels, snakes, turtles, alligators, raccoons, and numerous bugs like ants. Its main predator is the alligator. Guess what? If the alligator eats it, the poisonous skin will permeate its insides and make it die too! It has a mouth that can stretch to two feet long in length and two feet in height. Nature is an amazing thing!! ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ The ways it finds food isn't via camouflage; its mimicry. It stalks its prey so when it turns around, it moves too; it keeps stalking it until the prey comes to a stop, then stretches out its really big mouth, and eats it whole. Mission accomplished! The jumping skunk fish really knows how to survive in its habitat. It uses all its inherent mechanisms to deal with its surroundings on a daily basis! They are a wonder of nature! ”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details for support.

Relevant points explain and illustrate the features of the made-up animal very effectively. (“The jumping skunk fish has a white stripe going along both sides of its body. It has poisonous skin so I would watch out! The jumping skunk fish has a tail like a skunk, legs like a frog, and the body of a fish. Even though it spends most of its time underwater, it can still get you, but you are lucky if you don't live in the marsh, because that's the only place it lives. It jumps, runs, and swims; it also makes a hissing noise.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (“The albino jumping skunk fish is harmless, so if you see one and it is all white, it's harmless. The piedmont region of North Carolina is where the jumping skunk fish lives. It makes nests in hollow trees and sometimes it lives in abandoned burrows from moles and other animals. The other animals that live there are moles, fish, squirrels, snakes, turtles, alligators, raccoons, and numerous bugs like ants. Its main predator is the alligator. Guess what? If the alligator eats it, the poisonous skin will permeate its insides and make it die too! It has a mouth that can stretch to two feet long in length and two feet in height. Nature is an amazing thing!!”)

Specific information about the jumping skunk fish is developed very effectively. (“The jumping skunk fish uses its strong front and back legs, its gigantic mouth, poison, and the horrible smelling liquid that will knock out anyone or anything in a matter of seconds, although not underwater. When underwater, the liquid will just float in the water and disappear, so it has to use its big mouth and razor-like teeth. It also has a really thin and long tongue. While using its very long tongue, it can catch birds on tree branches, bobbing in the water, and sometimes right out of the sky. The ways it finds food isn't via camouflage; its mimicry. It stalks its prey so when it turns around, it moves too; it keeps stalking it until the prey comes to a stop, then stretches out its really big mouth, and eats it whole. Mission accomplished!”)

Organization

The essay’s organization is very effective. The writer demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. There is effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout.

The writer effectively captures the readers’ attention in the introduction by posing a question to the intended audience. (“ Did you know the jumping skunk fish is part fish and it can stay underwater for a whole week? This is an adaptation because when it goes underwater, it has to have enough oxygen in its body to survive underwater. ”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect ideas. (“The jumping skunk fish uses its strong front and back legs, its gigantic mouth, poison, and the horrible smelling liquid that will knock out anyone or anything in a matter of seconds, although not underwater. When underwater, the liquid will just float in the water and disappear, so it has to use its big mouth and razor-like teeth. It also has a really thin and long tongue. While using its very long tongue, it can catch birds on tree branches, bobbing in the water, and sometimes right out of the sky.”)

The writer includes an ending that is somewhat brief, but it also provides readers with a sense of closure. (“The jumping skunk fish really knows how to survive in its habitat. It uses all its inherent mechanisms to deal with its surroundings on a daily basis! They are a wonder of nature!”) The essay would benefit from a conclusion that summarizes main ideas and offers some additional thoughts for readers to consider.

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is very effective. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choices, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the effectiveness of the writer’s response.

The writer chooses descriptive words to effectively describe some of the interesting facts about the imaginary animal. (“ The albino jumping skunk fish is harmless, so if you see one and it is all white, it's harmless. The piedmont region of North Carolina is where the jumping skunk fish lives. It makes nests in hollow trees and sometimes it lives in abandoned burrows from moles and other animals. The other animals that live there are moles, fish, squirrels, snakes, turtles, alligators, raccoons, and numerous bugs like ants. Its main predator is the alligator. Guess what? If the alligator eats it, the poisonous skin will permeate its insides and make it die too! ”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“ My animal, the jumping skunk fish, is an omnivore. It eats natural selections like berries, fish, small plants, and smaller animals. Its predators are humans and alligators. An omnivore, by definition, is someone or something that eats both plants and meat. My animal eats mostly meat, but in times when it is ill, it will eat plants. The places it gets its food from are underneath the marsh waters and on land.”)

The writer demonstrates use of strong voice throughout the response. (“ While using its very long tongue, it can catch birds on tree branches, bobbing in the water, and sometimes right out of the sky. The ways it finds food isn't via camouflage; its mimicry. It stalks its prey so when it turns around, it moves too; it keeps stalking it until the prey comes to a stop, then stretches out its really big mouth, and eats it whole. Mission accomplished! ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ Did you know the jumping skunk fish is part fish and it can stay underwater for a whole week? This is an adaptation because when it goes underwater, it has to have enough oxygen in its body to survive underwater. All animals have structural and behavioral adaptations. A structural adaptation is something that is in or on its body to help it live; for example, the jumping skunk fish's strong legs allow it to do things like jumping and swimming. ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Splash! A Northeastern Sapper jumps four feet out of the water! This is one fast fish! But wait! It's not a fish! It jumps out of the water and bolts up a tree with amazing agility and precision! It's a squirrel! Now it stopped all the way at the top of the tree. What will it do next? It jumps from the tree and hurdles toward earth. Well, I guess it's the end for that little guy…but look! It lifts its arms up and starts to glide toward the water again! It's flying! It's a flying squirrel! But it can also swim! Now it hits the water and comes back up with a small fish in its mouth. Then it bolts back up the tree! That's one cool animal!

The Northeastern Sapper lives in the forests of northeastern Illinois. Its main diet is fish in the summer, so it needs constant contact with a lake or stream. It lives in nests in a tall tree close to the water so it can glide down on top of a fish. The Sapper gets its name from how they build their nests. The Sappers use the sap from trees as an epoxy to build their nests.

The Sapper’s diet varies. In the winter, it will store nuts and eat small animals. In the spring, it will eat fish. In the summer, it will also eat fish and some berries. And in the fall, it will eat nuts. It will sometimes clean the fish it kills because it is very picky about germs. Sappers are very picky about their food. When a Sapper catches a fish, it will de-skin it, de-bone it, and gut it. This is why they don't have rabies. The Sapper will wash its meat in a lake to clean it from parasitic infestations. That is why it is the least rabid animal in North America.

The Sapper’s amazing gliding ability allows it to fly over the water and when it spots a fish from the air, it will stop gliding and dive on the fish and cut slivers in the fish's neck to kill it quickly. The Sapper has amazing ability and agility to get from tree to tree. This is why it has the most nuts stored up for the winter. It can sometimes jump a fifteen foot gap from one tree to another. In the summer, its fur is black or brown and in the winter, it turns white for camouflage. This little creature needs all the protection it can get!

When Sappers encounter other squirrels, they like to have friendly competitions for a nut or berry like tag, or a race from one tree to another. Squirrels' mating time is in late spring. One mother can give birth to up to 2 sports (short for baby Sapper). Sports take long to master the trees. The mother and father always stay together for life and support each other.

In conclusion, if you ever see a Northeastern Sapper, then be sure to take a picture of it flying from tree to tree and swimming in lakes, because these animals are amazing sights to see!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the essay. The writer establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience. The writer satisfies most parts of the prompt task.

The essay effectively captures the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Splash! A Northeastern Sapper jumps four feet out of the water! This is one fast fish! But wait! It's not a fish! It jumps out of the water and bolts up a tree with amazing agility and precision! It's a squirrel! Now it stopped all the way at the top of the tree. What will it do next? It jumps from the tree and hurdles toward earth. Well, I guess it's the end for that little guy…but look! ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. (“ The Northeastern Sapper lives in the forests of northeastern Illinois. Its main diet is fish in the summer, so it needs constant contact with a lake or stream. It lives in nests in a tall tree close to the water so it can glide down on top of a fish. The Sapper gets its name from how they build their nests. The Sappers use the sap from trees as an epoxy to build their nests. ”)

The writer focuses on illustrating the different features that make the animal so fascinating. (“ The Sapper’s amazing gliding ability allows it to fly over the water and when it spots a fish from the air, it will stop gliding and dive on the fish and cut slivers in the fish's neck to kill it quickly. The Sapper has amazing ability and agility to get from tree to tree. This is why it has the most nuts stored up for the winter. It can sometimes jump a fifteen foot gap from one tree to another. In the summer, its fur is black or brown and in the winter, it turns white for camouflage. This little creature needs all the protection it can get! ”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas clearly, using appropriate details for support.

The writer’s content uses a variety of details that explain the main idea. (“The Sapper’s amazing gliding ability allows it to fly over the water and when it spots a fish from the air, it will stop gliding and dive on the fish and cut slivers in the fish's neck to kill it quickly. The Sapper has amazing ability and agility to get from tree to tree. This is why it has the most nuts stored up for the winter. It can sometimes jump a fifteen foot gap from one tree to another. In the summer, its fur is black or brown and in the winter, it turns white for camouflage. This little creature needs all the protection it can get!”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea in the topic sentence. (“The Sapper’s diet varies. In the winter, it will store nuts and eat small animals. In the spring, it will eat fish. In the summer, it will also eat fish and some berries. And in the fall, it will eat nuts. It will sometimes clean the fish it kills because it is very picky about germs. Sappers are very picky about their food. When a Sapper catches a fish, it will de-skin it, de-bone it, and gut it. This is why they don't have rabies. The Sapper will wash its meat in a lake to clean it from parasitic infestations. That is why it is the least rabid animal in North America.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“The Northeastern Sapper lives in the forests of northeastern Illinois. Its main diet is fish in the summer, so it needs constant contact with a lake or stream. It lives in nests in a tall tree close to the water so it can glide down on top of a fish. The Sapper gets its name from how they build their nests. The Sappers use the sap from trees as an epoxy to build their nests.”)

Organization

There is good organization of ideas throughout the essay. The writer demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. However, the conclusion needs to summarize ideas and give readers something to think about as the essay draws to a close.

The essay demonstrates a n effective introduction. (“ Splash! A Northeastern Sapper jumps four feet out of the water! This is one fast fish! But wait! It's not a fish! It jumps out of the water and bolts up a tree with amazing agility and precision! It's a squirrel! Now it stopped all the way at the top of the tree. What will it do next? It jumps from the tree and hurdles toward earth. Well, I guess it's the end for that little guy…but look! It lifts its arms up and starts to glide toward the water again! It's flying! It's a flying squirrel! But it can also swim! Now it hits the water and comes back up with a small fish in its mouth. Then it bolts back up the tree! That's one cool animal! ”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or sentences are used well. (“ The Sapper’s diet varies. In the winter, it will store nuts and eat small animals. In the spring, it will eat fish. In the summer, it will also eat fish and some berries. And in the fall, it will eat nuts. It will sometimes clean the fish it kills because it is very picky about germs. Sappers are very picky about their food. When a Sapper catches a fish, it will de-skin it, de-bone it, and gut it. This is why they don't have rabies. ”)

The essay’s brief conclusion provides the readers with a sense of closure; however, it also needs to offer a summary of the main ideas and give readers something to think about as the essay draws to a close. (“ In conclusion, if you ever see a Northeastern Sapper, then be sure to take a picture of it flying from tree to tree and swimming in lakes, because these animals are amazing sights to see! ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good use of language, voice, and style throughout the essay. A ppropriate language and word choice, good voice, and a clear sense of audience are demonstrated. The writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety .

The language and tone are consistent. (“ The Northeastern Sapper lives in the forests of northeastern Illinois. Its main diet is fish in the summer, so it needs constant contact with a lake or stream. It lives in nests in a tall tree close to the water so it can glide down on top of a fish. The Sapper gets its name from how they build their nests. The Sappers use the sap from trees as an epoxy to build their nests.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“ The Sapper’s amazing gliding ability allows it to fly over the water and when it spots a fish from the air, it will stop gliding and dive on the fish and cut slivers in the fish's neck to kill it quickly. The Sapper has amazing ability and agility to get from tree to tree. This is why it has the most nuts stored up for the winter. It can sometimes jump a fifteen foot gap from one tree to another. ”)

The writer employs good word choices to describe the many abilities and adaptations of the created animal. (“ When a Sapper catches a fish, it will de-skin it, de-bone it, and gut it. This is why they don't have rabies. The Sapper will wash its meat in a lake to clean it from parasitic infestations. That is why it is the least rabid animal in North America. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement, appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“ The Sapper gets its name from how they build their nests. The Sappers use the sap from trees as an epoxy to build their nests.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

The par-cat is one of the most unique animals in the world. The par-cat has a white kittens body and tail, yet it has wings and a beak of a parrot. It is a beautiful small creature that is only the size of a large rat and it only weighs 2 pounds the most. Even though its size is small, its strength is strong enough to take down a two hundred pound grizzly bear. They are also one of the fastest creatures in the world. They can run 4,550 miles an hour and fly 5,437 miles an hour.

They live in the mountains where it is filled with white snow. The snow keeps their body cool, but it is not too cold for them because of their white fur. Usually though, they travel to the coastal area in the spring, so if they do get too cold, they can warm up before the upcoming month.

They eat seeds, fruits, fish, and other small animals. Even though they are not nocturnal they wake up in the middle of the night to hunt for their food. The par-cats eat their food in a certain manner. When it is fruit they cut it open with their claws to check if it's poisonous by smelling it. When it's a type of animal, they open it, take out the animal’s bones and organs, and then eat the meat. Their predators are bears, eagles, and snakes. The way they can take down such a fast and strong creature is when the par-cat is all alone or too busy to realize the predators are there. The predators, pounce on and suffocate them till they pass and then they eat them.

Par-cats are safe animals to be around to have as a pet. If you abuse them though, they will bite you with their sharp teeth or scratch you with their claws. They are a good pet for children of all ages. Par-cats can live up to 27 years. The Par-cat is the perfect animal.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer adequately states the topic of the essay in the very beginning of the response. (“The par-cat is one of the most unique animals in the world. The par-cat has a white kittens body and tail, yet it has wings and a beak of a parrot. It is a beautiful small creature that is only the size of a large rat and it only weighs 2 pounds the most. Even though its size is small, its strength is strong enough to take down a two hundred pound grizzly bear. They are also one of the fastest creatures in the world. They can run 4,550 miles an hour and fly 5,437 miles an hour.”)

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The essay is devoted to informing the readers about a created animal and its adaptations to its environment. (“They live in the mountains where it is filled with white snow. The snow keeps their body cool, but it is not too cold for them because of their white fur. Usually though, they travel to the coastal area in the spring, so if they do get too cold, they can warm up before the upcoming month. They eat seeds, fruits, fish, and other small animals. Even though they are not nocturnal they wake up in the middle of the night to hunt for their food.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“Their predators are bears, eagles, and snakes. The way they can take down such a fast and strong creature is when the par-cat is all alone or too busy to realize the predators are there. The predators, pounce on and suffocate them till they pass and then they eat them.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support.

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“The par-cats eat their food in a certain manner. When it is fruit they cut it open with their claws to check if it's poisonous by smelling it. When it's a type of animal, they open it, take out the animal’s bones and organs, and then eat the meat.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“They live in the mountains where it is filled with white snow. The snow keeps their body cool, but it is not too cold for them because of their white fur. Usually though, they travel to the coastal area in the spring, so if they do get too cold, they can warm up before the upcoming month.”) Providing more specific details would enhance the writer’s descriptions of the created animal and its adaptations to its habitat.

The writer provides relevant information about the created animal to give readers a mental picture of the animal being described. (“The par-cat is one of the most unique animals in the world. The par-cat has a white kittens body and tail, yet it has wings and a beak of a parrot. It is a beautiful small creature that is only the size of a large rat and it only weighs 2 pounds the most. Even though its size is small, its strength is strong enough to take down a two hundred pound grizzly bear. They are also one of the fastest creatures in the world. They can run 4,550 miles an hour and fly 5,437 miles an hour.”)

Organization

The beginning of the essay demonstrates an adequate attempt to capture the readers’ attention by describing the physical features of the created animal and providing an interesting fact about the animal’s strength. (“ The par-cat is one of the most unique animals in the world. The par-cat has a white kittens body and tail, yet it has wings and a beak of a parrot. It is a beautiful small creature that is only the size of a large rat and it only weighs 2 pounds the most. Even though its size is small, its strength is strong enough to take down a two hundred pound grizzly bear. They are also one of the fastest creatures in the world. They can run 4,550 miles an hour and fly 5,437 miles an hour. ”)

Subtle transitions are used to connect ideas. (“ The snow keeps their body cool, but it is not too cold for them because of their white fur. Usually though, they travel to the coastal area in the spring, so if they do get too cold, they can warm up before the upcoming month.”) The writer should incorporate more transitions to connect the ideas in a more meaningful way.

The writer’s conclusion falls short on summarizing the main points of the essay. However, it does attempt to get readers to consider the possibility that these animals could make good pets. (“ Par-cats are safe animals to be around to have as a pet. If you abuse them though, they will bite you with their sharp teeth or scratch you with their claws. They are a good pet for children of all ages. Par-cats can live up to 27 years. The Par-cat is the perfect animal. ”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ They eat seeds, fruits, fish, and other small animals. Even though they are not nocturnal they wake up in the middle of the night to hunt for their food. The par-cats eat their food in a certain manner. When it is fruit they cut it open with their claws to check if it's poisonous by smelling it. When it's a type of animal, they open it, take out the animal’s bones and organs, and then eat the meat.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the response. The writer provides language that adequately describes the created animal to the intended audience. (“ They live in the mountains where it is filled with white snow. The snow keeps their body cool, but it is not too cold for them because of their white fur. Usually though, they travel to the coastal area in the spring, so if they do get too cold, they can warm up before the upcoming month.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the essay. (“ Their predators are bears, eagles, and snakes. The way they can take down such a fast and strong creature is when the par-cat is all alone or too busy to realize the predators are there. The predators, pounce on and suffocate them till they pass and then they eat them.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure that sentences have subject-verb agreement, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences begin with capital letters, word selections are spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs are indicated with line breaks. (“ The par-cat has a white kittens body and tail, yet it has wings and a beak of a parrot. It is a beautiful small creature that is only the size of a large rat and it only weighs 2 pounds the most.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

There're many wild cats in the world. It lives in Colorado, to be specific, in the Rockie Mountains, it is the Fire Tiger. Only one exists in the world and is six feet in height and 16 feet in length. With red eyes and white with black stripes, it is an endangered specie. This mammal is the largest cat in the world and weighs 1,125 pounds.

The Fire Tiger can eat anything that lurks around it. It could easily eat squrrels,racoons,deer,and antelope. It could even eat a bear with ease! This mammal will not hurt humans. Nobody actually knows why, it is very unusual.

This large cat could hear and smell anything from a mile away. The Fire Tiger could survive without shelter for two whole years. This wild cat could even store its food when it knows it's in danger. they could also survive in climates from -10F to 120F!This mammal could also see two miles away from where it is! The name Fire Tiger was given because of its fury and red amazing eyes.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Focus and meaning are limited in the essay. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides limited descriptions and details that may not give the readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Only some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The essay states the controlling idea in a very limited way. (“ There're many wild cats in the world. It lives in Colorado, to be specific, in the Rockie Mountains, it is the Fire Tiger.”)

The writer’s focus is limited. The writer focuses on an animal, but the descriptions of the animal and its behavioral and structural adaptations are limited at best. (“Only one exists in the world and is six feet in height and 16 feet in length. With red eyes and white with black stripes, it is an endangered specie. This mammal is the largest cat in the world and weighs 1,125 pounds.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the essay and should include more meaningful examples to illustrate the structural and behavioral adaptations his/her animal utilizes to survive in its habitat. Including more specific details of the animal’s habitat and the adaptations necessary to survive in it would help the readers visualize the subject of the essay in their minds. (“This large cat could hear and smell anything from a mile away. The Fire Tiger could survive without shelter for two whole years. This wild cat could even store its food when it knows it's in danger. they could also survive in climates from -10F to 120F!”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The essay develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support.

The essay uses limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“ This large cat could hear and smell anything from a mile away. The Fire Tiger could survive without shelter for two whole years. This wild cat could even store its food when it knows it's in danger.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. (“This mammal could also see two miles away from where it is! The name Fire Tiger was given because of its fury and red amazing eyes.”)

The explanations and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“ they could also survive in climates from -10F to 120F!This mammal could also see two miles away from where it is!”)

Organization

The writer is limited in his/her ability to engage the readers with an introduction that could captivate them and entice them to continue reading. (“ There're many wild cats in the world. It lives in Colorado, to be specific, in the Rockie Mountains, it is the Fire Tiger.”)

Strong transitions between paragraphs and between sentences are needed to enhance the flow of the writer’s ideas. (“ The Fire Tiger can eat anything that lurks around it. It could easily eat squrrels,racoons,deer,and antelope. It could even eat a bear with ease! This mammal will not hurt humans. Nobody actually knows why, it is very unusual.”)

The conclusion of the essay provides the readers with little sense of closure; it does not summarize the main ideas or leave readers with something to think about. (“ The name Fire Tiger was given because of its fury and red amazing eyes.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates a limited use of language, voice, and style. The essay reveals simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, the word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

Some sentence lengths are short. (“ This large cat could hear and smell anything from a mile away. The Fire Tiger could survive without shelter for two whole years.”) The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the response more interesting to the intended audience.

Oftentimes, the writer uses the same group of words to begin sentences. For example, many sentences begin with “this” and “the.” (“ This large cat could hear and smell anything from a mile away. The Fire Tiger could survive without shelter for two whole years. This wild cat could even store its food when it knows it's in danger. they could also survive in climates from -10F to 120F!This mammal could also see two miles away from where it is! The name Fire Tiger was given because of its fury and red amazing eyes.”)

The sentences are too informal, and the word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“ There're many wild cats in the world. It lives in Colorado, to be specific, in the Rockie Mountains, it is the Fire Tiger.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The control of mechanics and conventions is limited in the essay. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, begin each sentence with a capital letter, indicate new paragraphs with line breaks, check for correct spelling of words, and ensure proper usage of words within the context of sentences. (“It lives in Colorado, to be specific, in the Rockie Mountains, it is the Fire Tiger. Only one exists in the world and is six feet in height and 16 feet in length. With red eyes and white with black stripes, it is an endangered specie.”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

An animal that lives in the mountain is called snurf .it has sharp teeth for chewing meat. it is a predator and it has big ears like a wolf for hearing. He has thick fur to keep him warm in the mountains; his fur is black. it has for legs; his eye are in the front like a predator and has very good eye site to see his pray from far. He is very fast like a cheetah. he has a really good sense of smell. he is really big like a lion. he is nocturnal

He has great beavior. He hunts in a pack so he won't get hurt hunt big animals. he hunts at night so he can camouflage in the dark. he sleeps in a caved at day time. he isn't frighten easily

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. The writer suggests a controlling idea but demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. As a result, the writer completes few parts of the task.

The essay only minimally states a central/controlling idea. (“An animal that lives in the mountain is called snurf . ”) The writer misses the opportunity to elaborate on the specific, adaptive features of the animal. Providing more details at every turn in a response creates a richly textured message that gives the readers a clear picture of the animal being described.

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give the readers a true sense of the animal being described. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“ he has a really good sense of smell. he is really big like a lion. he is nocturnal ”)

The writer’s details are minimally developed. (“He has great beavior.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s thesis statement. (“An animal that lives in the mountain is called snurf .it has sharp teeth for chewing meat. it is a predator and it has big ears like a wolf for hearing.”)

In this two-paragraph essay response, the writer does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“An animal that lives in the mountain is called snurf .it has sharp teeth for chewing meat. it is a predator and it has big ears like a wolf for hearing. He has thick fur to keep him warm in the mountains; his fur is black. it has for legs; his eye are in the front like a predator and has very good eye site to see his pray from far. He is very fast like a cheetah. he has a really good sense of smell. he is really big like a lion. he is nocturnal He has great beavior. He hunts in a pack so he won't get hurt hunt big animals. he hunts at night so he can camouflage in the dark. he sleeps in a caved at day time. he isn't frighten easily ”)

Details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. Details should include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations that give readers a clear picture of the animal created and the features it possesses to adapt to its environment. (“He has great beavior. He hunts in a pack so he won't get hurt hunt big animals. he hunts at night so he can camouflage in the dark. he sleeps in a caved at day time. he isn't frighten easily ”)

Organization

The essay’s organization is minimal. The writer provides an opening that minimally reveals the purpose of the prompt task. The response lacks effective transitional devices and paragraphing; furthermore, the essay demonstrates little evidence of a strong ending.

The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ An animal that lives in the mountain is called snurf . ”)

There is little evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ He has thick fur to keep him warm in the mountains; his fur is black. it has for legs; his eye are in the front like a predator and has very good eye site to see his pray from far. He is very fast like a cheetah. he has a really good sense of smell. ”)

The writer neglects to include a strong conclusion. (“ he sleeps in a caved at day time. he isn't frighten easily ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is minimal. The writer demonstrates simple language and word choice with little awareness of audience. The essay also displays basic errors in sentence structure, spelling, and usage.

Sentence lengths are short and, in some cases, fragmented. (“ he sleeps in a caved at day time. he isn't frighten easily ”)

The essay lacks sentence variety; many sentences begin in the same way, which gives the essay a repetitive tone. (“ He is very fast like a cheetah. he has a really good sense of smell. he is really big like a lion. he is nocturnal ”)

The writer relies on simple sentence structure and word choices. (“ he is really big like a lion. he is nocturnal He has great beavior. He hunts in a pack so he won't get hurt hunt big animals. he hunts at night so he can camouflage in the dark. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized essay. (“ it has for legs; his eye are in the front like a predator and has very good eye site to see his pray from far. He is very fast like a cheetah. he has a really good sense of smell. he is really big like a lion. he is nocturnal ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

The animal kingdom is very uniqe but not like this one. This animal is called the RBS rootser boxed snake.Thm rbs lives in COLRADO but the southern part such as the border of NEWMEXICO .The discription of the RBS is it has fethers and a long tiall and can grow up to 1-2 feet . Also some scales on its belly .Its pertetion is its poisen from its mouth . The RBS diet is it eats fish,gekos and insects. this is a very carative animal

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. The writer fails to sustain the controlling idea and demonstrates no understanding of the purpose of the task and his/her intended audience. The writer does not adequately complete any parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“Its pertetion is its poisen from its mouth . The RBS diet is it eats fish,gekos and insects. this is a very carative animal”)

The essay states a vague central/controlling idea and does not develop ideas adequately through examples and descriptive details. (“ The animal kingdom is very uniqe but not like this one. This animal is called the RBS rootser boxed snake.”)

The essay’s lack of specific details renders the writer’s message ineffective and incomplete. (“this is a very carative animal”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer neglects to develop ideas, using no details for support.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“The animal kingdom is very uniqe but not like this one. This animal is called the RBS rootser boxed snake.”)

In this one-paragraph response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs. At least three main ideas should be included as evidence. (“The animal kingdom is very uniqe but not like this one. This animal is called the RBS rootser boxed snake.Thm rbs lives in COLRADO but the southern part such as the border of NEWMEXICO .The discription of the RBS is it has fethers and a long tiall and can grow up to 1-2 feet . Also some scales on its belly .Its pertetion is its poisen from its mouth . The RBS diet is it eats fish,gekos and insects. this is a very carative animal”)

Details are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Details could include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations to bring the writer’s ideas to life. (“ Its pertetion is its poisen from its mouth .”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate as well. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure, introduction, or conclusion; in addition, there is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ The animal kingdom is very uniqe but not like this one.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ Thm rbs lives in COLRADO but the southern part such as the border of NEWMEXICO .The discription of the RBS is it has fethers and a long tiall and can grow up to 1-2 feet .”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ this is a very carative animal”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s language use and style are inadequate. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Some sentence lengths are short. (“ Also some scales on its belly .Its pertetion is its poisen from its mouth.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ The RBS diet is it eats fish,gekos and insects. this is a very carative animal”)

The writer relies on simple sentences and word choices. (“The discription of the RBS is it has fethers and a long tiall and can grow up to 1-2 feet . Also some scales on its belly .”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Creating a New Candy Bar

The Hershey Company was founded on February 9, 1894. Since that date, they have created many types of candy bars. If the president of The Hershey Company asked you to create a new Hershey's candy bar, what would it be? What ingredients would you put into it? How would you package it and name it?

In a well-developed essay, describe the new candy bar that you would create for The Hershey Company. Include details to support your description.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

My idea of a wonderful candy bar is one with a mouthwatering taste, and a catchy, exciting, and fun name. That should always be your main idea when making a candy bar. The wrapper should be beautiful, with decorations that reflect the idea of your candy bar. I am very lucky to have an assignment to make this amazing candy bar. Read on to discover the superb qualities of this exhilarating chocolate treat.

I plan to name my new candy bar Carmel Crunch! The candy bar will have a line of peanuts in the center, engulfed with caramel on both sides. Then the bar will follow a pattern of sticky, gooey caramel followed by chocolate for five light, delicious layers. Finally, crushed chocolate chip cookie crumbs would finish the bar, sealed in melt-in-the-mouth chocolate! The Carmel Crunch candy bar will be about eight inches long, two inches wide, and nearly one inch in depth. I am planning to question the man in charge of Hershey's if I can make a "super-size," which would be double the size of the normal Carmel Crunch. I will charge ninety cents for a normal Carmel Crunch, and a dollar fifty for a super size. I draw the conclusion that the average store would like to make at least a five cent gain on each bar they sell. This leads me to believe that the normal bar may sell (in stores) for up to a dollar! I estimate that it will cost me sixty-seven cents to make a Carmel Crunch, so I would make a twenty-three cent profit on each Carmel Crunch. For a eleven year old kid, that's truly amazing.

I plan to use my knowledge to appear on television. I have a scheduled appointment with the local station to appear on the six-o'clock news as the youngest employee of Hershey's. My mother has called my aunt, uncle, and grandmother, explaining what time I will appear on the television.

"The best way to draw customers to a certain food is to make it a delightful pastime. People who are dieting want to use their daily calories on something pleasurable, not distasteful. To reach this timeless goal, wonderful, fresh ingredients is crucial to your success. At Hershey's chocolate factory we use only fresh, in-community ingedince, mixed with our dilecatable chocolate. I hope everyone buys fresh Hershey's every chance they get." This was the speech I plan to say on tevision.

I think that the most important part of a candy bar is customer satisfaction. If your customer isn't totally satisfied with every aspect of your bar, they won't buy it again. In other words, less money, less profit, more getting yelled at by your boss. Nobody wants that. So you need a line dissatisfied customers can call and give there opinion of what we can change. So, I think all candy companies should have a twenty-four hour help line for not fully happy customers.

I personally believe that every candy bar should have a motto. If I had to choose one for Carmel Crunch, I would select "Once a chocolate lover, always a chocolate lover!" I think this motto fits this candy bar best because there is a lot of chocolate in this candy bar. Also, the main reason this bar is irresistible is because of the chocolate.

On the outside of the wrapper I would have a streaky, irresistible creation of carmel/chocolate colors, so people would know what was in the bar. It would be swirled so it appealed to any potential buyer, child or adult, male or female. Then, in cherry red, I would write the name of the candy bar, Caramel Crunch, with a fancy cursive flourish. I would write it in red to offset the carmel/chocolate color mix, and so the name pops out against competing brands. It would be in a fancy type also to stand out against competing brands, such as Ben and Jerry's ice cream store. On the top of the wrapper, also in cherry red, I would write "Hershey Chocolate Company." Finally, I would claim that their were seven grams of protein, so parents would let their children buy the product. I would add one more fun twist so kids would buy the candy bar. On the inside of the wrapper there would be a puzzle to solve, such as a crossword, or word search. I think that this is a creative idea that would draw more potential buyers.

If the president of Hershey's allowed me to make a commercial to advertise my bar, it would include many irresistible images. There would be pictures of the process of creating the bar, and all the while a person is talking in the background, telling you all about the bar. For example, he might tell you about the process of layering the bar while a video is showing that. I think that this would turn out to be an informative commercial for someone who wanted to learn more about the delicious, full of protein Carmel Crunch.

I would name the candy bar Carmel Crunch for several reasons, but the most important is the crushed cookie crumbs make the crunch, and there is lots of caramel. In other words, Carmel Crunch is a great name, because of the carmel and crunch. I also think this would be an appealing name for children, the main consumers of my product. I will be really excited when my candy bar appeared on the shelf!!! I planned to make a budget, and I discovered that if sales go accordingly, I will be making nearly eighty dollars a month for Hershey's. I think that is exceedingly amazing, considering I am only twelve years old!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay conveys very effective focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea, demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes all parts of the task, even going beyond the limits of the task.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by very effectively using a question or an engaging statement in the beginning of the introduction. (“ My idea of a wonderful candy bar is one with a mouthwatering taste, and a catchy, exciting, and fun name. That should always be your main idea when making a candy bar. The wrapper should be beautiful, with decorations that reflect the idea of your candy bar. I am very lucky to have an assignment to make this amazing candy bar. Read on to discover the superb qualities of this exhilarating chocolate treat.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central idea very effectively. (“ I plan to name my new candy bar Carmel Crunch! The candy bar will have a line of peanuts in the center, engulfed with caramel on both sides. Then the bar will follow a pattern of sticky, gooey caramel followed by chocolate for five light, delicious layers. Finally, crushed chocolate chip cookie crumbs would finish the bar, sealed in melt-in-the-mouth chocolate! The Carmel Crunch candy bar will be about eight inches long, two inches wide, and nearly one inch in depth. I am planning to question the man in charge of Hershey's if I can make a ‘super-size,’ which would be double the size of the normal Carmel Crunch. I will charge ninety cents for a normal Carmel Crunch, and a dollar fifty for a super size. I draw the conclusion that the average store would like to make at least a five cent gain on each bar they sell. This leads me to believe that the normal bar may sell (in stores) for up to a dollar! I estimate that it will cost me sixty-seven cents to make a Carmel Crunch, so I would make a twenty-three cent profit on each Carmel Crunch. For a eleven year old kid, that's truly amazing.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with details about the ingredients and packaging of the candy bar, as well as ideas for marketing and advertising the product, such as a television commercial. (“ If the president of Hershey's allowed me to make a commercial to advertise my bar, it would include many irresistible images. There would be pictures of the process of creating the bar, and all the while a person is talking in the background, telling you all about the bar. For example, he might tell you about the process of layering the bar while a video is showing that. I think that this would turn out to be an informative commercial for someone who wanted to learn more about the delicious, full of protein Carmel Crunch.”)

Content & Development

Content and development are highly effective. This informative essay develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details to support ideas. The student has many creative ideas regarding his/her candy bar, which go above and beyond the requirements of the prompt.

Relevant points explain and illustrate the packaging of the writer’s candy bar very effectively. (“On the outside of the wrapper I would have a streaky, irresistible creation of carmel/chocolate colors, so people would know what was in the bar. It would be swirled so it appealed to any potential buyer, child or adult, male or female. Then, in cherry red, I would write the name of the candy bar, Caramel Crunch, with a fancy cursive flourish. I would write it in red to offset the carmel/chocolate color mix, and so the name pops out against competing brands. It would be in a fancy type also to stand out against competing brands, such as Ben and Jerry's ice cream store. On the top of the wrapper, also in cherry red, I would write ‘Hershey Chocolate Company.’ Finally, I would claim that their were seven grams of protein, so parents would let their children buy the product. I would add one more fun twist so kids would buy the candy bar. On the inside of the wrapper there would be a puzzle to solve, such as a crossword, or word search. I think that this is a creative idea that would draw more potential buyers.”)

The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain the paragraph’s main idea. (“If the president of Hershey's allowed me to make a commercial to advertise my bar, it would include many irresistible images. There would be pictures of the process of creating the bar, and all the while a person is talking in the background, telling you all about the bar. For example, he might tell you about the process of layering the bar while a video is showing that. I think that this would turn out to be an informative commercial for someone who wanted to learn more about the delicious, full of protein Carmel Crunch.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (“I think that the most important part of a candy bar is customer satisfaction. If your customer isn't totally satisfied with every aspect of your bar, they won't buy it again. In other words, less money, less profit, more getting yelled at by your boss. Nobody wants that. So you need a line dissatisfied customers can call and give there opinion of what we can change. So, I think all candy companies should have a twenty-four hour help line for not fully happy customers.”)

Organization

Very effective organization is seen in this essay. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. There is also an effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout.

The introduction includes very effective background information about the topic. (“ My idea of a wonderful candy bar is one with a mouthwatering taste, and a catchy, exciting, and fun name. That should always be your main idea when making a candy bar. The wrapper should be beautiful, with decorations that reflect the idea of your candy bar. I am very lucky to have an assignment to make this amazing candy bar. Read on to discover the superb qualities of this exhilarating chocolate treat.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ Then the bar will follow a pattern of sticky, gooey caramel followed by chocolate for five light, delicious layers. Finally, crushed chocolate chip cookie crumbs would finish the bar, sealed in melt-in-the-mouth chocolate!”)

The conclusion very effectively leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ I will be really excited when my candy bar appeared on the shelf!!! I planned to make a budget, and I discovered that if sales go accordingly, I will be making nearly eighty dollars a month for Hershey's. I think that is exceedingly amazing, considering I am only twelve years old!”)

Language Use & Style

Very effective use of language and style is apparent in this essay. The writing demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. Well-structured and varied sentences are also seen.

The language and tone are consistent, with the author using a persuasive voice and variety in sentence length. (“ I think that the most important part of a candy bar is customer satisfaction. If your customer isn't totally satisfied with every aspect of your bar, they won't buy it again. In other words, less money, less profit, more getting yelled at by your boss. Nobody wants that. So you need a line dissatisfied customers can call and give there opinion of what we can change. So, I think all candy companies should have a twenty-four hour help line for not fully happy customers.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the first two paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“My idea of a wonderful candy bar is one with a mouthwatering taste, and a catchy, exciting, and fun name. That should always be your main idea when making a candy bar. The wrapper should be beautiful, with decorations that reflect the idea of your candy bar. I am very lucky to have an assignment to make this amazing candy bar. Read on to discover the superb qualities of this exhilarating chocolate treat. …I plan to name my new candy bar Carmel Crunch! The candy bar will have a line of peanuts in the center, engulfed with caramel on both sides. Then the bar will follow a pattern of sticky, gooey caramel followed by chocolate for five light, delicious layers. Finally, crushed chocolate chip cookie crumbs would finish the bar, sealed in melt-in-the-mouth chocolate! The Carmel Crunch candy bar will be about eight inches long, two inches wide, and nearly one inch in depth.”)

The compound sentence, “ I estimate that it will cost me sixty-seven cents to make a Carmel Crunch, so I would make a twenty-three cent profit on each Carmel Crunch,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

Very effective control of mechanics and conventions is demonstrated in this essay, as there are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ My idea of a wonderful candy bar is one with a mouthwatering taste, and a catchy, exciting, and fun name. That should always be your main idea when making a candy bar.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear President of The Hershey Company,

I have a brilliant thought that will not only WOW you but the world as well. I have created a candy bar that is not only good but healthy too. It is a bar that people could use as a tool to loose weight instead of exercising. As you know almost over half of the population loves and eats Hersheys, but how many can say that they lost weight by eating your candy bar daily?? I'm sorry but not many sir. So now I’m going to tell you about a new and improved Hersheys candy bar that is heathly.

In the candy bar it will have cookie and chocolate with little green spinkles on the top. This candy bar will be called Hersheys The EARTHQUAKE. The earthquake will go with two things about this whole candy. One will be losing weight. Its like a earthquake. The other will be because we are having trouble with our economy. As the people look at the wrapping we are hoping that more and more people will start to care about the economy and help somehow. I will get into that more at the bottom though. The Earthquake will a taste like a regular bar however everyone will know its different because of the special unique VERY good taste. Just because it is healthy doesnt mean it should taste "Suger Free" or "Low Suger", because not everyone likes that taste.

This is how you should make this terrific bar. First you should preheat your oven at 350.Then stir often as the caramel slowly melts. When the mixture is smooth, add 3/4 cup of powdered sugar. Use a candy thermometer to bring the mixture to exactly 230 degrees, stirring often, then turn off the heat. Keep mixing until the candy cools and thickens and can no longer be mixed. That should take a minute or two. Let the candy cool in the pan for 10 to 15 minutes, or until it can be touched. Don't let it sit too long - you want the candy to still be warm and pliable when you shape it. If you work fast this caramel will stay warm while you make the candy bars. Now when you're candy bars are done sprinkle green sprinkles on top and your candy bar is done.

Now time for your wrapper. The wrapper should be green with littles quotea saying "Help economy" and stuff like that. Dark blue should be added on the wrapper as well to have the earth colors expressed on the wrapper. If you do choose this candy bar sir I am asking if you do this the way I ask.

Thanks for reading this letter and i surely hope that you will consider it because it really is a good candy bar.

Sincerely,

Your New Partner

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are exhibited in this essay. The writer establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience, thereby completing most parts of the task.

The writer grabs the readers’ attention by using an interesting statement or a question in the beginning of the introduction. (“ I have a brilliant thought that will not only WOW you but the world as well. I have created a candy bar that is not only good but healthy too. It is a bar that people could use as a tool to loose weight instead of exercising. As you know almost over half of the population loves and eats Hersheys, but how many can say that they lost weight by eating your candy bar daily?? I'm sorry but not many sir. So now I’m going to tell you about a new and improved Hersheys candy bar that is heathly.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central idea regarding the writer’s creation of a candy bar that is both tasty and healthy. (“ In the candy bar it will have cookie and chocolate with little green spinkles on the top. This candy bar will be called Hersheys The EARTHQUAKE. The earthquake will go with two things about this whole candy. One will be losing weight. Its like a earthquake. The other will be because we are having trouble with our economy. As the people look at the wrapping we are hoping that more and more people will start to care about the economy and help somehow. I will get into that more at the bottom though. The Earthquake will a taste like a regular bar however everyone will know its different because of the special unique VERY good taste. Just because it is healthy doesnt mean it should taste ‘Suger Free’ or ‘Low Suger’, because not everyone likes that taste.”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about how the candy bar is made, as well as how it is packaged. (“ This is how you should make this terrific bar. First you should preheat your oven at 350.Then stir often as the caramel slowly melts. When the mixture is smooth, add 3/4 cup of powdered sugar. Use a candy thermometer to bring the mixture to exactly 230 degrees, stirring often, then turn off the heat. Keep mixing until the candy cools and thickens and can no longer be mixed. …Now when you're candy bars are done sprinkle green sprinkles on top and your candy bar is done. …Now time for your wrapper. The wrapper should be green with littles quotea saying ‘Help economy’ and stuff like that. Dark blue should be added on the wrapper as well to have the earth colors expressed on the wrapper. If you do choose this candy bar sir I am asking if you do this the way I ask.”)

Content & Development

This essay displays good use of content and development. Ideas are developed clearly, using sufficient, appropriate details to support ideas.

The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“This is how you should make this terrific bar. First you should preheat your oven at 350.Then stir often as the caramel slowly melts. When the mixture is smooth, add 3/4 cup of powdered sugar. Use a candy thermometer to bring the mixture to exactly 230 degrees, stirring often, then turn off the heat. Keep mixing until the candy cools and thickens and can no longer be mixed. That should take a minute or two. Let the candy cool in the pan for 10 to 15 minutes, or until it can be touched. Don't let it sit too long - you want the candy to still be warm and pliable when you shape it. If you work fast this caramel will stay warm while you make the candy bars. Now when you're candy bars are done sprinkle green sprinkles on top and your candy bar is done.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“Now time for your wrapper. The wrapper should be green with littles quotea saying ‘Help economy’ and stuff like that. Dark blue should be added on the wrapper as well to have the earth colors expressed on the wrapper. If you do choose this candy bar sir I am asking if you do this the way I ask.”)

Specific information about how the candy bar is made is developed clearly. (“This is how you should make this terrific bar. First you should preheat your oven at 350.Then stir often as the caramel slowly melts. When the mixture is smooth, add 3/4 cup of powdered sugar. Use a candy thermometer to bring the mixture to exactly 230 degrees, stirring often, then turn off the heat. Keep mixing until the candy cools and thickens and can no longer be mixed. That should take a minute or two. Let the candy cool in the pan for 10 to 15 minutes, or until it can be touched. Don't let it sit too long - you want the candy to still be warm and pliable when you shape it. If you work fast this caramel will stay warm while you make the candy bars. Now when you're candy bars are done sprinkle green sprinkles on top and your candy bar is done.”)

Organization

Good organization is shown in this essay. The writing demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and consistent use of transitional devices.

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ I have a brilliant thought that will not only WOW you but the world as well. I have created a candy bar that is not only good but healthy too. It is a bar that people could use as a tool to loose weight instead of exercising. As you know almost over half of the population loves and eats Hersheys, but how many can say that they lost weight by eating your candy bar daily?? I'm sorry but not many sir. So now I’m going to tell you about a new and improved Hersheys candy bar that is heathly.”)

The introduction includes adequate background information about the topic. (“ I have a brilliant thought that will not only WOW you but the world as well. I have created a candy bar that is not only good but healthy too. It is a bar that people could use as a tool to loose weight instead of exercising.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ First you should preheat your oven at 350.Then stir often as the caramel slowly melts.”)

Language Use & Style

Good use of language and style is demonstrated within this piece of writing. The essay utilizes appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; additionally, well-structured sentences with some variety are seen.

The language and tone are consistently in a strong voice. Variety in sentence length is also consistent. (“ I have a brilliant thought that will not only WOW you but the world as well. I have created a candy bar that is not only good but healthy too. It is a bar that people could use as a tool to loose weight instead of exercising. As you know almost over half of the population loves and eats Hersheys, but how many can say that they lost weight by eating your candy bar daily?? I'm sorry but not many sir. So now I’m going to tell you about a new and improved Hersheys candy bar that is heathly.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the second and third body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ This is how you should make this terrific bar. First you should preheat your oven at 350.Then stir often as the caramel slowly melts. When the mixture is smooth, add 3/4 cup of powdered sugar. Use a candy thermometer to bring the mixture to exactly 230 degrees, stirring often, then turn off the heat. Keep mixing until the candy cools and thickens and can no longer be mixed. That should take a minute or two. Let the candy cool in the pan for 10 to 15 minutes, or until it can be touched. Don't let it sit too long - you want the candy to still be warm and pliable when you shape it. If you work fast this caramel will stay warm while you make the candy bars. Now when you're candy bars are done sprinkle green sprinkles on top and your candy bar is done. …Now time for your wrapper. The wrapper should be green with littles quotea saying ‘Help economy’ and stuff like that. Dark blue should be added on the wrapper as well to have the earth colors expressed on the wrapper. If you do choose this candy bar sir I am asking if you do this the way I ask.”)

The complex sentence, “ When the mixture is smooth, add 3/4 cup of powdered sugar,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of mechanics and conventions is demonstrated within this essay. A few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are present that do not interfere with the message. For example, most sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ The earthquake will go with two things about this whole candy. One will be losing weight. Its like a earthquake.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Hi! I work for The Hershey Company. One day, the president of the company asked me to create a new Hershey's candy bar. Of course, I said I'd start working on it right away. So I went into my office and came up with my candy bar. I called it Rose. The Rose has three, very thin, delicious milk chocolate bars in it. The top of each bar has beautiful roses engraved in it. The backs of the bars are smooth like glass. In between each bar, there is a see through piece of plastic to separate them. Like most candy bars, they are rectangularly shaped.

The packaging for The Rose bars is plastic. The plastic is a metallic red, so when you hold it up to a light and move it around, it shines like a night time star. The word Rose is written in a somewhat light brown in cursive. In the same brown, there are twisting vines around the word Rose.

After I had designed everything for the Rose, I had a proto-type for my entire idea made. I took my new creation to the president and she loved the Rose! She said it looked peaceful and tasted like nothing that she had ever tasted before. The president also told me that thin chocolate was a great idea and how mouth watering it looked. I told her that I was glad that she was happy with the Rose. Then she told me that the would have more made right away and that I would get half the profits. I was extremely excited that the Rose was going to be an official Hershey's chocolate bar.

I hope you enjoy the Rose!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay conveys adequate focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea and demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience; many parts of the task are completed.

The essay states an adequate controlling idea of the essay. (“ So I went into my office and came up with my candy bar. I called it Rose. The Rose has three, very thin, delicious milk chocolate bars in it. The top of each bar has beautiful roses engraved in it.”)

The essay understands the intended audience adequately. (“Hi! I work for The Hershey Company. One day, the president of the company asked me to create a new Hershey's candy bar. Of course, I said I'd start working on it right away. So I went into my office and came up with my candy bar. I called it Rose. The Rose has three, very thin, delicious milk chocolate bars in it. The top of each bar has beautiful roses engraved in it. The backs of the bars are smooth like glass. In between each bar, there is a see through piece of plastic to separate them. Like most candy bars, they are rectangularly shaped.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“The packaging for The Rose bars is plastic. The plastic is a metallic red, so when you hold it up to a light and move it around, it shines like a night time star. The word Rose is written in a somewhat light brown in cursive. In the same brown, there are twisting vines around the word Rose.”)

Content & Development

This essay’s content and development are adequate. Ideas are developed adequately, using sufficient details to support ideas.

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“The packaging for The Rose bars is plastic. The plastic is a metallic red, so when you hold it up to a light and move it around, it shines like a night time star. The word Rose is written in a somewhat light brown in cursive. In the same brown, there are twisting vines around the word Rose.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. At least three details are stated about each main idea. (“The packaging for The Rose bars is plastic. The plastic is a metallic red, so when you hold it up to a light and move it around, it shines like a night time star. The word Rose is written in a somewhat light brown in cursive. In the same brown, there are twisting vines around the word Rose.”)

The essay includes facts and statistics, examples, brief narratives, or explanations about each of the main ideas. (“After I had designed everything for the Rose, I had a proto-type for my entire idea made. I took my new creation to the president and she loved the Rose! She said it looked peaceful and tasted like nothing that she had ever tasted before. The president also told me that thin chocolate was a great idea and how mouth watering it looked. I told her that I was glad that she was happy with the Rose. Then she told me that the would have more made right away and that I would get half the profits. I was extremely excited that the Rose was going to be an official Hershey's chocolate bar.”)

Organization

Adequate organization is apparent in this essay. The writing demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion and inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Hi! I work for The Hershey Company. One day, the president of the company asked me to create a new Hershey's candy bar. Of course, I said I'd start working on it right away. So I went into my office and came up with my candy bar. I called it Rose. The Rose has three, very thin, delicious milk chocolate bars in it. The top of each bar has beautiful roses engraved in it. The backs of the bars are smooth like glass. In between each bar, there is a see through piece of plastic to separate them. Like most candy bars, they are rectangularly shaped.”)

The introduction includes adequate background information about the topic. (“ Hi! I work for The Hershey Company. One day, the president of the company asked me to create a new Hershey's candy bar. Of course, I said I'd start working on it right away. So I went into my office and came up with my candy bar. I called it Rose. The Rose has three, very thin, delicious milk chocolate bars in it. The top of each bar has beautiful roses engraved in it. The backs of the bars are smooth like glass. In between each bar, there is a see through piece of plastic to separate them. Like most candy bars, they are rectangularly shaped.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. (“ One day, the president of the company asked me to create a new Hershey's candy bar. Of course, I said I'd start working on it right away. … After I had designed everything for the Rose, I had a proto-type for my entire idea made.”)

Language Use & Style

Adequate language use and style are seen in this essay. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. Sentences with correct structure and some variety are also generally used.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ Hi! I work for The Hershey Company. One day, the president of the company asked me to create a new Hershey's candy bar. Of course, I said I'd start working on it right away. So I went into my office and came up with my candy bar. I called it Rose. The Rose has three, very thin, delicious milk chocolate bars in it. The top of each bar has beautiful roses engraved in it. The backs of the bars are smooth like glass. In between each bar, there is a see through piece of plastic to separate them. Like most candy bars, they are rectangularly shaped.”)

Exact and specific words, such as “Hershey Company,” “Hershey bar,” and “president” from the research and prompt task are used adequately. (“ I work for The Hershey Company. One day, the president of the company asked me to create a new Hershey's candy bar.”)

Although there is some good use of word choice demonstrated in the essay (“ proto-type” and “mouth watering” ), the name of the candy bar, “The Rose,” is repeated multiple times, and pronouns could have been used to avoid this repetition. (“ After I had designed everything for the Rose, I had a proto-type for my entire idea made. I took my new creation to the president and she loved the Rose! She said it looked peaceful and tasted like nothing that she had ever tasted before. The president also told me that thin chocolate was a great idea and how mouth watering it looked. I told her that I was glad that she was happy with the Rose. Then she told me that the would have more made right away and that I would get half the profits. I was extremely excited that the Rose was going to be an official Hershey's chocolate bar. …I hope you enjoy the Rose!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Adequate control of mechanics and conventions is conveyed within this essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ Then she told me that the would have more made right away and that I would get half the profits.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I am a new worker at the Hershey's factory and I have been told to invent a new candy bar to increase the money that Hershey's is earning. The bar will be called the take 25 in the name of take 5. Then bar will have nothing that the hershey bar ever had. This bar will have sugar and it will put a big fizz in your mouth like pop rocks does. If you want to know what it looks like so you can buy it look for a bar with a black front rapper and a brown rapper on the back.

This bar will come in four different ways one will be in a ball form like a jawbreaker. Except instead of just sugar it will have chocolate in the middle of the ball.

the third formThe second shape is in the regular bar form. the third form is in cubes the are little squares with sugar chocolate the tastes great. the fourth is in a cylinder you suck on it and its like drinking but its a little gooey

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay conveys limited focus and meaning. The writer establishes a controlling idea but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience; only some parts of the task are completed.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“This bar will come in four different ways one will be in a ball form like a jawbreaker. Except instead of just sugar it will have chocolate in the middle of the ball. …the third formThe second shape is in the regular bar form. the third form is in cubes the are little squares with sugar chocolate the tastes great. the fourth is in a cylinder you suck on it and its like drinking but its a little gooey”)

The essay states a limited controlling idea of the essay. (“I am a new worker at the Hershey's factory and I have been told to invent a new candy bar to increase the money that Hershey's is earning.”)

In the introduction, only a limited point of view of the essay is stated. (“I am a new worker at the Hershey's factory and I have been told to invent a new candy bar to increase the money that Hershey's is earning. The bar will be called the take 25 in the name of take 5. Then bar will have nothing that the hershey bar ever had. This bar will have sugar and it will put a big fizz in your mouth like pop rocks does. If you want to know what it looks like so you can buy it look for a bar with a black front rapper and a brown rapper on the back.”)

Content & Development

The essay demonstrates limited content and development. Ideas are developed briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support ideas.

The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“This bar will come in four different ways one will be in a ball form like a jawbreaker. Except instead of just sugar it will have chocolate in the middle of the ball. …the third formThe second shape is in the regular bar form. the third form is in cubes the are little squares with sugar chocolate the tastes great. the fourth is in a cylinder you suck on it and its like drinking but its a little gooey”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“This bar will come in four different ways one will be in a ball form like a jawbreaker. Except instead of just sugar it will have chocolate in the middle of the ball. …the third formThe second shape is in the regular bar form. the third form is in cubes the are little squares with sugar chocolate the tastes great. the fourth is in a cylinder you suck on it and its like drinking but its a little gooey”)

The essay does not include enough relevant points that explain and illustrate how the candy bar is made and packaged. (“This bar will come in four different ways one will be in a ball form like a jawbreaker. Except instead of just sugar it will have chocolate in the middle of the ball. …the third formThe second shape is in the regular bar form. the third form is in cubes the are little squares with sugar chocolate the tastes great. the fourth is in a cylinder you suck on it and its like drinking but its a little gooey”)

Organization

Limited organization is exhibited in the essay. There is some evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. There is also a lack in paragraphing and few transitional devices used.

The introduction includes some background information about the topic. (“ I am a new worker at the Hershey's factory and I have been told to invent a new candy bar to increase the money that Hershey's is earning. The bar will be called the take 25 in the name of take 5. Then bar will have nothing that the hershey bar ever had. This bar will have sugar and it will put a big fizz in your mouth like pop rocks does. If you want to know what it looks like so you can buy it look for a bar with a black front rapper and a brown rapper on the back.”)

The introduction attempts to include a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ I am a new worker at the Hershey's factory and I have been told to invent a new candy bar to increase the money that Hershey's is earning.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are needed. (“ This bar will come in four different ways one will be in a ball form like a jawbreaker. Except instead of just sugar it will have chocolate in the middle of the ball.”)

Language Use & Style

Limited use of language and style is seen throughout this essay. The writing demonstrates simple language and word choice and only some awareness of audience and control of voice. Simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice are also generally seen throughout.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ the third formThe second shape is in the regular bar form. the third form is in cubes the are little squares with sugar chocolate the tastes great. the fourth is in a cylinder you suck on it and its like drinking but its a little gooey”)

The essay uses the same group of words to begin the three sentences in the introduction. (“ The bar will be called the take 25 in the name of take 5. Then bar will have nothing that the hershey bar ever had. This bar will have sugar and it will put a big fizz in your mouth like pop rocks does.”)

Exact words are missing. (“ the third formThe second shape is in the regular bar form.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates limited control of mechanics and conventions. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message. The writer should make sure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“the third formThe second shape is in the regular bar form. the third form is in cubes the are little squares with sugar chocolate the tastes great. the fourth is in a cylinder you suck on it and its like drinking but its a little gooey”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

MY amazing chocolate steak bar.My chocolate steak bar is soooooo good! because it has delicious grilled steak with creamy chocolate on the outside. In my factory I have fat robo men that get steak from WALMART and get the chocolate from TARGET.I made it so kids could get a healthy snack.My fat robo men cook the steak on their huge stomachs that get up to 1,000 degrees.

How you cook the candy bar,you cook it by putting steak on a grill and cook it for 30 minutes then you cook it for 5 more minutes then you cook it for 5

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Focus and meaning within this essay are shown to be minimal. The essay suggests a controlling idea but demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and completes few parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“MY amazing chocolate steak bar.My chocolate steak bar is soooooo good! because it has delicious grilled steak with creamy chocolate on the outside. In my factory I have fat robo men that get steak from WALMART and get the chocolate from TARGET.I made it so kids could get a healthy snack.My fat robo men cook the steak on their huge stomachs that get up to 1,000 degrees.”)

The essay does not state the controlling idea of the essay. (“MY amazing chocolate steak bar.My chocolate steak bar is soooooo good! because it has delicious grilled steak with creamy chocolate on the outside. In my factory I have fat robo men that get steak from WALMART and get the chocolate from TARGET.I made it so kids could get a healthy snack.My fat robo men cook the steak on their huge stomachs that get up to 1,000 degrees.”)

The writing style is not appropriate for the audience. (“MY amazing chocolate steak bar.My chocolate steak bar is soooooo good! because it has delicious grilled steak with creamy chocolate on the outside. In my factory I have fat robo men that get steak from WALMART and get the chocolate from TARGET.I made it so kids could get a healthy snack.My fat robo men cook the steak on their huge stomachs that get up to 1,000 degrees. …How you cook the candy bar,you cook it by putting steak on a grill and cook it for 30 minutes then you cook it for 5 more minutes then you cook it for 5”)

Content & Development

Minimal display of content and development is shown in this essay. Ideas are developed incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support ideas.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. (“MY amazing chocolate steak bar.My chocolate steak bar is soooooo good! because it has delicious grilled steak with creamy chocolate on the outside. In my factory I have fat robo men that get steak from WALMART and get the chocolate from TARGET.I made it so kids could get a healthy snack.My fat robo men cook the steak on their huge stomachs that get up to 1,000 degrees. …How you cook the candy bar,you cook it by putting steak on a grill and cook it for 30 minutes then you cook it for 5 more minutes then you cook it for 5”)

The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“MY amazing chocolate steak bar.My chocolate steak bar is soooooo good! because it has delicious grilled steak with creamy chocolate on the outside. In my factory I have fat robo men that get steak from WALMART and get the chocolate from TARGET.I made it so kids could get a healthy snack.My fat robo men cook the steak on their huge stomachs that get up to 1,000 degrees. …How you cook the candy bar,you cook it by putting steak on a grill and cook it for 30 minutes then you cook it for 5 more minutes then you cook it for 5”)

Details are minimally used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“MY amazing chocolate steak bar.My chocolate steak bar is soooooo good! because it has delicious grilled steak with creamy chocolate on the outside. In my factory I have fat robo men that get steak from WALMART and get the chocolate from TARGET.I made it so kids could get a healthy snack.My fat robo men cook the steak on their huge stomachs that get up to 1,000 degrees. …How you cook the candy bar,you cook it by putting steak on a grill and cook it for 30 minutes then you cook it for 5 more minutes then you cook it for 5”)

Organization

Minimal use of organization is apparent within this essay. The writing demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion, as well as little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of a good introduction. (“ MY amazing chocolate steak bar.My chocolate steak bar is soooooo good! because it has delicious grilled steak with creamy chocolate on the outside. In my factory I have fat robo men that get steak from WALMART and get the chocolate from TARGET.I made it so kids could get a healthy snack.My fat robo men cook the steak on their huge stomachs that get up to 1,000 degrees.”)

The introduction does little to include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ MY amazing chocolate steak bar.My chocolate steak bar is soooooo good! because it has delicious grilled steak with creamy chocolate on the outside. In my factory I have fat robo men that get steak from WALMART and get the chocolate from TARGET.I made it so kids could get a healthy snack.My fat robo men cook the steak on their huge stomachs that get up to 1,000 degrees.”)

There is little evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“MY amazing chocolate steak bar.My chocolate steak bar is soooooo good! because it has delicious grilled steak with creamy chocolate on the outside. In my factory I have fat robo men that get steak from WALMART and get the chocolate from TARGET.I made it so kids could get a healthy snack.My fat robo men cook the steak on their huge stomachs that get up to 1,000 degrees. …How you cook the candy bar,you cook it by putting steak on a grill and cook it for 30 minutes then you cook it for 5 more minutes then you cook it for 5”)

Language Use & Style

Use of language and style in this essay is minimal. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience. Basic errors in sentence structure and usage are also seen throughout.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ How you cook the candy bar,you cook it by putting steak on a grill and cook it for 30 minutes then you cook it for 5 more minutes then you cook it for 5”)

There is repetition. (“ How you cook the candy bar,you cook it by putting steak on a grill and cook it for 30 minutes then you cook it for 5 more minutes then you cook it for 5”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“ MY amazing chocolate steak bar.My chocolate steak bar is soooooo good! because it has delicious grilled steak with creamy chocolate on the outside. In my factory I have fat robo men that get steak from WALMART and get the chocolate from TARGET.I made it so kids could get a healthy snack.My fat robo men cook the steak on their huge stomachs that get up to 1,000 degrees.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The use of mechanics and conventions in this essay is minimal. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not make sure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“MY amazing chocolate steak bar.My chocolate steak bar is soooooo good! because it has delicious grilled steak with creamy chocolate on the outside. … How you cook the candy bar,you cook it by putting steak on a grill and cook it for 30 minutes then you cook it for 5 more minutes then you cook it for 5”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Will do you really want to no the desigh of my candybar . Will it is a new versin of hershey bar is the best candy bar you will ever taste in your life hershey's with penutbutter in the middle with a lot of peenutsfilled. it is so delicius you will say yumm with every bite!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay provides readers with inadequate focus and meaning. The writer fails to establish a controlling idea and demonstrates no understanding of purpose and audience, therefore, completing no parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“ Will do you really want to no the desigh of my candybar . Will it is a new versin of hershey bar is the best candy bar you will ever taste in your life hershey's with penutbutter in the middle with a lot of peenutsfilled. it is so delicius you will say yumm with every bite”)

The writer does not state the central idea of the essay. (“ Will do you really want to no the desigh of my candybar . Will it is a new versin of hershey bar is the best candy bar you will ever taste in your life hershey's with penutbutter in the middle with a lot of peenutsfilled. it is so delicius you will say yumm with every bite”)

In the introduction, the supporting idea of the essay is not stated. (“ Will do you really want to no the desigh of my candybar . Will it is a new versin of hershey bar is the best candy bar you will ever taste in your life hershey's with penutbutter in the middle with a lot of peenutsfilled. it is so delicius you will say yumm with every bite”)

Content & Development

Content and development are inadequate within this brief essay. The writer fails to develop ideas, using no details for support.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the controlling idea of the essay. (“ Will do you really want to no the desigh of my candybar . Will it is a new versin of hershey bar is the best candy bar you will ever taste in your life hershey's with penutbutter in the middle with a lot of peenutsfilled. it is so delicius you will say yumm with every bite”)

At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. (“ Will do you really want to no the desigh of my candybar . Will it is a new versin of hershey bar is the best candy bar you will ever taste in your life hershey's with penutbutter in the middle with a lot of peenutsfilled. it is so delicius you will say yumm with every bite”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“ Will do you really want to no the desigh of my candybar . Will it is a new versin of hershey bar is the best candy bar you will ever taste in your life hershey's with penutbutter in the middle with a lot of peenutsfilled. it is so delicius you will say yumm with every bite”)

Organization

Inadequate organization is apparent within the essay. The writing demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion. Furthermore, no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices can be discerned.

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ Will do you really want to no the desigh of my candybar . Will it is a new versin of hershey bar is the best candy bar you will ever taste in your life hershey's with penutbutter in the middle with a lot of peenutsfilled. it is so delicius you will say yumm with every bite”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ Will do you really want to no the desigh of my candybar . Will it is a new versin of hershey bar is the best candy bar you will ever taste in your life hershey's with penutbutter in the middle with a lot of peenutsfilled. it is so delicius you will say yumm with every bite”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion or any conclusion at all. (“ Will do you really want to no the desigh of my candybar . Will it is a new versin of hershey bar is the best candy bar you will ever taste in your life hershey's with penutbutter in the middle with a lot of peenutsfilled. it is so delicius you will say yumm with every bite”)

Language Use & Style

Inadequate use of language and style is seen within this brief essay. It demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ Will do you really want to no the desigh of my candybar . Will it is a new versin of hershey bar is the best candy bar you will ever taste in your life hershey's with penutbutter in the middle with a lot of peenutsfilled. it is so delicius you will say yumm with every bite”)

Exact words are missing. (“ Will do you really want to no the desigh of my candybar . Will it is a new versin of hershey bar is the best candy bar you will ever taste in your life hershey's with penutbutter in the middle with a lot of peenutsfilled. it is so delicius you will say yumm with every bite”)

There is repetition, as the word “will” (used in place of “well”) is used to begin the first two sentences. (“ Will do you really want to no the desigh of my candybar . Will it is a new versin of hershey bar is the best candy bar you will ever taste in your life hershey's with penutbutter in the middle with a lot of peenutsfilled. it is so delicius you will say yumm with every bite”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control over mechanics and conventions in this essay is inadequate. Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer does not make sure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ Will do you really want to no the desigh of my candybar . Will it is a new versin of hershey bar is the best candy bar you will ever taste in your life hershey's with penutbutter in the middle with a lot of peenutsfilled. it is so delicius you will say yumm with every bite”)

Dressing for Halloween

Imagine that you are hosting a large Halloween party and have invited all of your friends to the party. What costume would you choose to wear, and what would you like to see your friends and family dressed as? In a detailed essay, discuss the Halloween costumes at your party.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Food Source!

I am hosting a Halloween Party and I decided to have a very specific theme to my party. My theme is about various kinds of food. Ideally, I would want to have all sorts of different kinds of food represented. Some of it would be healthy food and some of it would probably be more like junk food. Everyone would be very impressed by our creativity and the detail of the costumes.

The first people that showed up were my best pals and they were all wearing a basket filled with fake French fries and they had fake salt and pepper to. The costumes looked great.

So after they came I told them to go and sit on the couch. Next when my family saw my friends wearing there costumes they went to put there's on. When they came out they were all dressed up as deserts like ice-cream, chocolate fudge, and cookies. After they came the rest of my friends popped in and they were dressed up as the main dishes like fried rice, chicken, spam musubi , fried noodles, steak, chili fries, chili and rice, chicken patty filled with gravy, and beef stew.

When all my family members came they were dressed up as things like salad, crackers, and drinks. Last of all there is me. I was dressed up as a giant hamburger with a crown on since I was running the party. After that we started to eat and we had to by the actual food every one was wearing. So the person next to you what ever they were wearing you would have to eat unless you don't like it or can't have it. For me since I was running the party I got to eat what ever food I wanted.

After every one was finished eating, we were finally able to go trick or treating. We walked around for at least 3 hours and we got 49 big bags filled to the top. It was only 8:30 when we had the 49 bags filled so we decided to still keep on trick or treating. After we were down we must have filled 100 bags and walked 75 blocks.

When we got back to the house we duped out all of are candy and ate over half of it before we all got a stomach ache. Except for one of my friends he kept eating for about 2 more minutes before he gave up trying to eat all the candy.

On the next day all of us kids find out that we were signed up to see a dentist. When we went there all of us wished that we didn't eat all of the candy. I’m pretty sure it was worth it though. Actually we didn't even finish it there are still about 24 more bags left. All of us together had at least 172 bad teeth. So that is the end of the Halloween party.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea, demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, completes all parts of the task, and may even go beyond the limits of the task. The essay grabs the readers’ attention by very effectively using an interesting statement, a question, and an engaging statement at the beginning of the introduction. (“ My theme is about various kinds of food. Ideally, I would want to have all sorts of different kinds of food represented.”) All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with details. (“ The first people that showed up were my best pals and they were all wearing a basket filled with fake French fries and they had fake salt and pepper to. The costumes looked great.”) Essays at this level may occasionally offer information that is only tangentially related to the main topic, but most of the content is directly related to the thesis. The author creatively provides additional detail about the party by also discussing what happens after the party. (“After every one was finished eating we were able to go trick or treating. We walked around for at least 3 hours and we got 49 big bags filled to the top.”)

Content & Development

The essay develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details to support ideas. The essay’s relevant points explain and illustrate very effectively. Supporting details develop the example well. (“ Last of all there is me. I was dressed up as a giant hamburger with a crown on since I was running the party.”) The details that are included in each paragraph very effectively develop the main idea of the topic sentence. (“ After they came the rest of my friends popped in and they were dressed up as the main dishes like fried rice, chicken, spam musubi , fried noodles, steak, chili fries, chili and rice, chicken patty filled with gravy, and beef stew.”) Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. The essay includes facts, statistics, examples, brief narratives, explanations to tell a small story, people's actual words or quotes, or writes a definition of a difficult or important word about each of the main ideas.

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, effective use of paragraphing, and effective use of transitional devices throughout. The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ I am hosting a Halloween Party and I decided to have a very specific theme to my party. My theme is about various kinds of food.”) While not especially creative, it is direct and gives readers a good idea of what to expect form the essay. The body paragraphs address various elements of the party and the trick or treating afterward. There is some use of effective transitions. (“After every one was finished eating, we were finally able to go trick or treating.”) The essay ends with a creative conclusion that gives readers something else to think about. (“On the next day all of us kids find out that we were signed up to see a dentist. When we went there all of us wished that we didn't eat all of the candy.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, a clear sense of audience, and uses well-structured and varied sentences. The language and tone are consistent. Sentences are occasionally short, but they are clear. Readers can easily understand the author’s intent. (“ So after they came I told them to go and sit on the couch. Next when my family saw my friends wearing there costumes they went to put there's on.”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. There are some awkwardly placed sentences, but most of the content is clear and necessary. (“ So that is the end of the Halloween party.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay uses very effective control of conventions and mechanics. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence is indented when beginning a new paragraph, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. However, there are a few minor problems with mechanics and conventions littered throughout the essay. (“ So the person next to you what ever they were wearing you would have to eat unless you don't like it or can't have it. For me since I was running the party I got to eat what ever food I wanted.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

You’re invited to my Halloween party and this is what my friends and you’ll never be able to guess what I will be wearing. I'll be wearing a hockey mask with Freddy's claws. That’s a mix of different costumes if you didn’t know. I'll also have a bloody machete. To put it all together I'll be wearing a brown leather bicker jacket. It will have a big skull on the right shoulder. For a real scare I’ll have a black coat that shows my ribs and every thing inside of them. Yuck!

My friend David will be wearing a Jason costume from the Friday movies. He’ll have a hockey mask with a brown blood stained butcher coat with a bloody machete. He'll be the one that comes out and scares every body. He'll also have arrows and swords coming out of him. He’ll come in with an ax sticking out of his back since that type of thing doesn’t hurt Jason. It’ll probably have to be the bloodiest of all the costumes for that reason. I can’t wait to see how much bigger he looks as Jason. It’ll be really scary.

I hope Ben be a chicken. He always acts so silly. If he is a chicken he'll be the one running around. I really hope he's a chicken. That will have blue feathers and a bloody butcher knife sticking out of him. His costume is going to be really silly, but I think it would be a lot of fun, not only for him, but for us as well. I can’t wait to see that.

Later my cousin will arrive. His costume will be bloody scream. He'll be the one who screams before David comes in. He'll be the one who crawl's in without a body. That'll get the crowd going real good and they’ll be all excited for the party.

Then you come in you'll be the one who shows up in the fire wearing a bloody costume. You'll start burning the other actors wearing the zombie costumes that have knives and axes coming out of their head. I told no one else to wear zombie costumes. Don't worry the actors will be wearing fire proof costumes so no one is going to get hurt.

The scariest costume will win $18 trillion! The cutest costume will win a truck full of candy! Finally the weirdest costume will win Halloween stuff like costumes.

Thanks for coming to my party and seeing all that we have to show you. I Hope you enjoy the catacombs of doom. Ha ha ha!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay uses good focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea, demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes most parts of the task . The essay grabs the readers’ attention by using an interesting statement, a question, and an engaging statement at the beginning of the introduction. (“ You’re invited to my Halloween party and this is what my friends and you’ll never be able to guess what I will be wearing.”) All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. The language used fits the effective examples very well. Some of the language is a bit informal, but it is not completely inappropriate considering the subject matter. (“ For a real scare I’ll have a black coat that shows my ribs and every thing inside of them. Yuck!”) Essays at this level rarely have completely irrelevant information, but some of the content may only be tangentially related to the thesis. Still, these additional details do not impede meaning. The essay doesn’t have an obvious thesis statement, but the nature of the prompt does not necessarily require a traditional essay format. However, the readers fully understand the purpose of the essay by the end of the first paragraph.

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient appropriate details to support ideas. Supporting details develop the example well. (“ I hope Ben be a chicken. He always acts so silly. If he is a chicken he'll be the one running around.”) The content in the body paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain the paragraph’s main idea. (“ Then you come in you'll be the one who shows up in the fire wearing a bloody costume. You'll start burning the other actors wearing the zombie costumes that have knives and axes coming out of their head.”) Essays at this level should have at least a few additional details for each main idea discussed.

Organization

The essay has good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and consistent use of transitional devices. The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ You’re invited to my Halloween party and this is what my friends and you’ll never be able to guess what I will be wearing.”) The introduction could use a clearer thesis statement, but readers should have a good idea what the essay is about by the end of the first paragraph. Transitions are used to some degree of success. (“ Later my cousin will arrive. His costume will be bloody scream.”) The conclusion is brief, but provides the readers with some sense of closure. (“Thanks for coming to my party and seeing all that we have to show you. I Hope you enjoy the catacombs of doom. Ha ha ha!”) Essays at this level almost always have paragraphs. Although this essay contains very brief paragraphs, they are still used effectively for an elementary-level writer.

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice, a clear sense of audience, and uses well-structured sentences with some variety. Even though it is a bit informal, the language and tone are consistent. (“ He'll also have arrows and swords coming out of him. He’ll come in with an ax sticking out of his back since that type of thing doesn’t hurt Jason.”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. Sentences are brief and direct, but for elementary writers, they are still used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I had a Halloween party and it was awesome! There was a costume contest, a dance contest, and bobbing for apples. I thought all my friends’ costumes were great. I was a vampire and it was so cool. My friends were a devil, witch, and a pirate.

I was the judge for the costume contest and I tried looking for the best costume. My costume is red and black, the footless leggings are black, the choker is black, the gloves are black, the shoes are also black, but the chest is red with little sparkles that were black, I love my costume. Kayla's costume is so funny. She’s going to be a pirate. The costume is red, brown, and white , the pants are brown, the vest is red, the shirt is white, and the shoes are brown. Clarissa costume is also cool, She's going to be a witch. Clarissa costume is black and purple, the hat is purple and black, the chest is purple, the dress is black, the leggings are purple, and the shoes are black. I love her costume. Marissa's costume is so cute she's going to be a devil its red and black, the dress is red. The dress looked like a fresh apple, the bow is black, the leggings are black, the horns are red, the shoes are both red and black. I loved all their costumes.

The Halloween party was amazing. So many people came but I only described my best friends outfit. So guess who won the costume? MARISSA, her costume was the best . I loved her costume the costume was so cute. I think every body had fun. But guess who won the dance contest? CLARISSA and she rocked the floor. Also Kayla won the bobbing for apples it was so funny because she got all wet. I WON THE SCAVENGER HUNT! Kailee I found about ten items together. It was so much fun. One time Marissa and I found something at the same , but I got it. Haha. It started to rain shortly after, so we went inside to have something to eat.

Finally, all the food was gone at 10:30 and the party started only an hour ago. The party ends at midnight. A lot of people were hungry, so we had to make food like every hour. It was crazy! I had a great time. I wish the day hadn't come to an end. I Hope everybody had fun!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea, demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes many parts of the task. The thesis states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. It is short, but it clearly explains what the essay is going to be about. (“ I had a Halloween party and it was awesome!”) The essay understands the intended audience adequately. The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience. There is some use of slang, but it isn’t grossly inappropriate considering the levity of the subject matter. (“ I was a vampire and it was so cool.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. It develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support. The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. The main ideas of the body paragraph support the thesis. (“ But guess who won the dance contest? CLARISSA and she rocked the floor.”) The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. At least three details are stated about each main idea. Some of the ideas are repetitive, but there is enough original and substantive content to receive an adequate score at the elementary level. (“ I found something at the same , but I got it. Haha. It started to rain shortly after, so we went inside to have something to eat.”)

Organization

The essay uses adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, but there is inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. The introduction attempts to grab the readers’ attention with a declarative statement. It isn’t especially effective, but it is adequate for an elementary-level writer. (“ I was a vampire and it was so cool. My friends were a devil, witch, and a pirate.”) Transitions are used to some effect, but more subtle transitions would improve the flow of the essay. (“Finally, all the food was gone at 10:30 and the party started only an hour ago.”) The essay includes paragraphing and adequately separates the different parts of the essay.

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied, but generally, they are shorter than is preferable. There is some repetitious language that indicates the author needs to expand his or her vocabulary, but it is still adequate for an elementary-level essay. (“ A lot of people were hungry, so we had to make food like every hour. It was crazy!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates adequate control of mechanics and conventions. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb, many sentences end with a punctuation mark, many sentences are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and many sentences begin with a capital letter. The essay has some problems with comma and period usage, but readers can usually infer the writer’s intent. (“ Clarissa costume is also cool, she's going to be a witch.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Im hosting a Halloween party at my house. I am going to invite all my friends and family. everyone has to wear a Halloween costume and dress up.I want to have fun so I will have candy, food. and drinks. I will also give out candy bags with pencils.

I will have the best costume awrd show. then we will play games like name the costume or like or ghost tag and play scary games in the dark. I want to see my friens dress as a monster or cerelebity like ciara or beyonce or mariah carey or more.

I want to see my family were funny stuff so I will ask them to where something funny or scary . I will decorate my house by putting carve Pumpkins, stones, Skelton, and pictures. if you ring the doorbell you will hear a scary voice. Later you will carve pumkins and who ever carve the pumpkins the best you will a prize. After that we will dance to some music. And when you will be dancing it will be a table full candy, punch, chips and more. And here goes the best part. The lights will turn off and people will be scared. Then sounds will come in saying boom boom. Its going to be a monster that will pop out . then we will go trick a treating. then I will pick four people to stay for my Halloween sleepover. then we will scare one of them when they go to sleep. after e will watch a scary movie and eat snacks. The next day I will Have another party because it is Halloween.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea, but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience and completes only some parts of the task. The essay does have a thesis, but it is brief and shows a lack of complexity. (“ Im hosting a Halloween party at my house. I am going to invite all my friends and family.”) The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. Some ideas do not make sense. (“I will also give out candy bags with pencils.”) The writing style is not always appropriate for the audience. (“Then sounds will come in saying boom boom.”) Most of the content does relate to the thesis in some way, but the author fails to qualify all of the content. Much of the content is related to the thesis, but there is a significant amount of irrelevant details that detract from the main message. Much of the content is confusing. (“The next day I will Have another party because it is Halloween.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. It develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support ideas. Most essays at this level have a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. This essay has a lot of details, but much of the content is confusing. (“The next day I will Have another party because it is Halloween.”) Some of the content’s relevance is questionable. (“I will also give out candy bags with pencils.”) The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs is limited. Essays at this level generally have content that is repetitious and shallow.

Organization

There is limited organization in the essay. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, lacks paragraphing, and lacks some transitional devices. The essay demonstrates evidence of a good introduction that does have a thesis, but it is too brief and simplistic. (“ Im hosting a Halloween party at my house. I am going to invite all my friends and family.”) There are some transitions used throughout the essay, but they do not move between ideas. Instead, they make the essay appear very repetitive. (“then I will pick four people to stay for my Halloween sleepover. then we will scare one of them when they go to sleep. after e will watch a scary movie and eat snacks. The next day I will Have another party because it is Halloween.”) There is no concluding paragraph, but there is one short sentence that does attempt to provide readers with some sense of closure. (“ The next day I will Have another party because it is Halloween.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The lengths of the sentences are short and repetitious. The language is overly simplistic, even for an elementary-level writer. (“ I want to have fun so I will have candy, food. and drinks. I will also give out candy bags with pencils.”) The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“ And here goes the best part. The lights will turn off and people will be scared.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. The author should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. Some sentences are fragmented, and there are numerous spelling errors that often impede meaning. (“ I will have the best costume awrd show. then we will play games like name the costume or like or ghost tag and play scary games in the dark.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Once it was halloween night and I was a spiderman boy and I was acting like a spider boy. It was fun being that for halloween. We do not suppose to celabrate halloweenbecause that is the devil's birthday and we don't suppose to like him But we still go trick or treating just to get candy for people and for ourselves. If we keep eating to much candy our teths are going to rotten a lot and we are not going to have any teeth to eat with for thanksgivingday. I want to have teeth to eat with. We need teeth to bite things with like food, we suppose to eat. We love to celabrte halloween like I dress up like a spider to scare everybody in the whole wide world e so scared.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. The writer suggests a controlling idea, but demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and completes few parts of the task. There is no clear thesis, although there is an attempt to generally discuss the prompt task. (“ Once it was halloween night and I was a spiderman boy and I was acting like a spider boy.”) The essay does not state the central/controlling idea of the essay. The writing style is not appropriate for the audience. The author’s statements about Halloween might be confusing to some readers. The author does not qualify opinionated statements with sufficient background information. (“ We do not suppose to celabrate halloweenbecause that is the devil's birthday and we don't suppose to like him But we still go trick or treating just to get candy for people and for ourselves.”)

Content & Development

The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support. There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. Much of the content is confusing, but readers can sometimes infer the author’s intent. (“ We love to celabrte halloween like I dress up like a spider to scare everybody in the whole wide world e so scared.”) The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. Each main idea should be written as topic sentence in its own body paragraph. This particular essay needs significantly more details and ideas to be considered an adequate essay.

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. The essay demonstrates little evidence of a good introduction. The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction, which includes little background information about the topic. Transitions are not used. There is no attempt to separate ideas using paragraphing. There are some closing remarks, but they do not take the form of a traditional conclusion. It gives the readers little to think about going forward. (“ We love to celabrte halloween like I dress up like a spider to scare everybody in the whole wide world e so scared.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience. Basic errors in sentence structure and usage are made. The lengths of the sentences are short and often fragmented. The language is often repetitious and informal. (“ If we keep eating to much candy our teths are going to rotten a lot and we are not going to have any teeth to eat with for thanksgivingday. I want to have teeth to eat with. We need teeth to bite things with like food, we suppose to eat.”) Transitions are not used. Much of the content is convoluted because of many different ideas being addressed at once. (“We do not suppose to celabrate halloweenbecause that is the devil's birthday and we don't suppose to like him But we still go trick or treating just to get candy for people and for ourselves.”) The author should concentrate on making simple declarative statements instead of trying to provide numerous details all at once. The writer needs to have a strong understanding of sentence structure before forming complex statements.

Mechanics & Conventions

There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not end each sentence with a punctuation mark or begin each sentence with a capital letter. Spelling errors are common in essays at this level. Also, comma and period usage needs serious attention. Many sentences are fragmented. (“We love to celabrte halloween like I dress up like a spider to scare everybody in the whole wide world e so scared.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"hello!" I shouted at my party customers. I was wearing Cleopatra costume, with no glasses. Neo, my little brother, was wearing bumble bee costume. My friends, Sage, Andy, Angella, and I call my other friends. Sage was wearing a fire fighter costasme. It was so gret I loved it want tod o party again.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer fails to establish a controlling idea, demonstrates no understanding of purpose and audience, and completes no parts of the task. There is no thesis, and readers unfamiliar with the prompt have few contextual clues to figure out what the writer is trying to convey. (“’hello!’ I shouted at my party customers. I was wearing Cleopatra costume, with no glasses.”) The language used may or may not be informal. Although this essay does have sufficiently formal language for an elementary writer discussing Halloween, additional audience awareness would vastly improve the essay’s ability to convey the message. (“ It was so gret I loved it want tod o party again.”)

Content & Development

The writer fails to develop ideas and uses no details for support. Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. The author does address some of the requirements in the prompt, such as describing the costumes of the author and his or her friends, but the essay provides little or no additional details. It barely has enough content to be considered on topic. Essays at this level provide no main ideas but usually address some basic elements of the prompt task. In this case, the author does attempt to address the costumes of his or her guests. (“Sage was wearing a fire fighter costasme.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion and no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices. The essay demonstrates no evidence of a good introduction. There is an attempt to get readers’ attention, but it is primitive and ineffective. (“ ’hello!’ I shouted at my party customers.”) The introduction does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. There is no conclusion, but the author does provide what appears to be a closing statement. (“ It was so gret I loved it want tod o party again.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. The lengths of the sentences are short, transitions are needed, and the style is often informal. There is some evidence that the author can write effectively, but the lack of content prevents accurate assessment of the author’s abilities. (“ Neo, my little brother, was wearing bumble bee costume.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Favorite Cartoon or Animated Movie Character

Think about a cartoon or animated movie character that you like. It can be from a past or current cartoon or animated film. Why do you like this character? Do character strengths or weaknesses make her/him likable?

Write a detailed essay about a specific cartoon or animated feature film character that you like, and explain why he/she is your favorite.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

What animated cartoon character is your favorite? Before you answer, let me tell you my favorite cartoon character so that you will have a better idea of your favorite animated cartoon character. My favorite animated cartoon character is Woody from the movie, Toy Story. Here are some of the reasons he's my favorite cartoon character. The first reason is that he is a great leader. The second reason is that even though Woody is just a toy, he is just like a normal person. The third reason is that he has lots of friends. The last reason I like Woody is because I really enjoyed the movie.

First off, Woody is a great leader. He is like the president of Andy's toys. He tells them everything that's happening around the house. For instance, when Andy’s family was moving, Woody informed all of the other toys that, they needed a “moving buddy” so that no one would get left behind. There was also the time that Andy's birthday party got rescheduled, so Woody had to tell everyone. You’re probably wondering why this is such a big deal? For toys, this is a crucial problem. You see, toys worry so much if they will be getting replaced with a new, shinier, more technologically advanced toy. So, when he told everyone about the potential for new presents at the birthday party, they were all worried. So, he informed them that if he sends down an expedition of troops, which are little green toy soldiers, the soldiers could see what Andy had gotten for his birthday. Woody is always solving problems! There's another time when Woody commanded an expedition with toys to save Buzz Lightyear, (another toy) from Sid, a kid who is mean to all toys. Woody is also a great leader when he worries about all the other toys. For example, when Andy and Woody were going to a cowboy camp, he told Buzz not to forget to take care of all the toys like he does. That proves that Woody does all of those things every day.

Second, even though Woody is a toy, he is just like a normal person. This is because he comes to life. How? I don't know, but he can do anything we can do like run, walk, jump, talk, climb, think, feel, hear, and smell. He seems very human. One time, when he fell off the bed, he started coughing because he whiffed too much dust. When Buzz and Woody started to fight, he got hurt with all the punches and kicks that were exchanged. When Buzz closed his helmet on Woody’s finger, he again felt human pain, because the next thing you hear is Woody screaming out loud. When they tried to catch up to the moving truck, he did lots of human things like running, jumping, and climbing; he also got hurt with Sid's dog biting him. Like us, he gets hurt with highs too, for example, when he was “toynapped”, he could have just jumped out the building if it wouldn't hurt him. Well, right now I'm just talking about his physical hurts, but he also gets hurt mentally and has feelings like all of us. When Buzz came along, Woody felt jealous because Andy was playing with Buzz more than him, and some toys in Andy’s room liked Buzz better. That experience with Woody helped me learn that it's okay to share the spotlight. Once Andy accidentally ripped Woody’s arm; he felt sad because he thought he would never be played with again. At the end of the first movie, he was happy, because he had a new friend in Buzz. Then at the end of the second movie, he was really happy he had made two new friends, Jessie and Bullseye.

Along with that, Woody has lots of friends like Buzz, Jessie, Bullseye, Slinky, Rex, Hamm, Mr. Potato Head, RC, Wheezy, Etch, Mr. Speller, Baby face, Ducky, Hand-in-The- Box, Legs, and Sarge. Buzz is Woody's best friend. Buzz and Woody weren't always friends. When Buzz first arrived in Andy’s room, Woody was jealous and angry. It wasn't until Buzz was attached to Sid’s rocket that Woody said sorry and told Buzz he should be the one stuck to the rocket, not Buzz. From then, they became outstanding friends. They became such outstanding friends that when Woody got “toynapped”, Buzz led an expedition to find him. Woody met Jessie and Bullseye while he was toynapped. Once he came, they felt free because they didn't have to be stored in the wickedness of the dark boxes. One time, Woody told them he couldn't go to Japan; he had to go back to Andy’s room. Jessie got mad. At the end, Woody saved Jessie from going to Japan; they became dear friends. Slinky is one of the loyal friends to Woody; when everyone thought Woody was lying, Slinky was one of the few toys who believed him. So did Rex, but he is too scared to say what he thinks. Mr. Potato Head isn't that great of a friend, but he is still a friend. Hamm is still a better friend than Mr. Potato head. RC is the remote control car that Woody uses to save Buzz from Sid's dog. Wheezy was the toy Woody saved right before he got toynapped. Mr. Speller and Etch helped find Woody; Mr. Speller told Etch to draw a map to find Woody. The mutant toys like Baby Face, Ducky, Hand-in-the Box, and Legs helped Woody on the expedition to save Buzz from Sid. This showed me that friends are really important.

Last, it is clear I like Woody because I liked the movie. When I was little, I watched Toy Story over and over again. I liked the movie so much. When we went to the store I tried looking for the original Buzz and Woody. The story showed me lots of things, like it is okay to share the spotlight, the value of friends, and sometimes, true friends fight.

In conclusion, Woody is my favorite animated cartoon character. First, he is a great leader. Second, even though he is a toy, he is like a normal person. Third, he has lots of friends. Last, I like him because I liked the movie. That's why I like him so much. Now who is your favorite animated cartoon character? Tell me! I am all ears!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer offers a clear statement addressing the prompt task and the supporting details that will follow in the response. (“ What animated cartoon character is your favorite? Before you answer, let me tell you my favorite cartoon character so that you will have a better idea of your favorite animated cartoon character. My favorite animated cartoon character is Woody from the movie, Toy Story. Here are some of the reasons he's my favorite cartoon character. The first reason is that he is a great leader. The second reason is that even though Woody is just a toy, he is just like a normal person. The third reason is that he has lots of friends. The last reason I like Woody is because I really enjoyed the movie. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. (“ Last, it is clear I like Woody because I liked the movie. When I was little, I watched Toy Story over and over again. I liked the movie so much. When we went to the store I tried looking for the original Buzz and Woody. The story showed me lots of things, like it is okay to share the spotlight, the value of friends, and sometimes, true friends fight. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ Woody is always solving problems! There's another time when Woody commanded an expedition with toys to save Buzz Lightyear, (another toy) from Sid, a kid who is mean to all toys. Woody is also a great leader when he worries about all the other toys. For example, when Andy and Woody were going to a cowboy camp, he told Buzz not to forget to take care of all the toys like he does. That proves that Woody does all of those things every day. ”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details for support.

Relevant points explain and illustrate each of the character’s positive qualities very effectively. (“ Like us, he gets hurt with highs too, for example, when he was ‘toynapped’, he could have just jumped out the building if it wouldn't hurt him. Well, right now I'm just talking about his physical hurts, but he also gets hurt mentally and has feelings like all of us. When Buzz came along, Woody felt jealous because Andy was playing with Buzz more than him, and some toys in Andy’s room liked Buzz better. That experience with Woody helped me learn that it's okay to share the spotlight. Once Andy accidentally ripped Woody’s arm; he felt sad because he thought he would never be played with again. ”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (“Woody is always solving problems! There's another time when Woody commanded an expedition with toys to save Buzz Lightyear, (another toy) from Sid, a kid who is mean to all toys. Woody is also a great leader when he worries about all the other toys. For example, when Andy and Woody were going to a cowboy camp, he told Buzz not to forget to take care of all the toys like he does. That proves that Woody does all of those things every day.”)

Specific information about Woody’s friendships with other characters is developed very effectively. (“ Woody met Jessie and Bullseye while he was toynapped. Once he came, they felt free because they didn't have to be stored in the wickedness of the dark boxes. One time, Woody told them he couldn't go to Japan; he had to go back to Andy’s room. Jessie got mad. At the end, Woody saved Jessie from going to Japan; they became dear friends. Slinky is one of the loyal friends to Woody; when everyone thought Woody was lying, Slinky was one of the few toys who believed him. So did Rex, but he is too scared to say what he thinks. ”)

Organization

The organization is very effective. The writer demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. There is effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout.

The writer effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction by clearly outlining the things that make Woody his/her favorite animated movie character. (“What animated cartoon character is your favorite? Before you answer, let me tell you my favorite cartoon character so that you will have a better idea of your favorite animated cartoon character. My favorite animated cartoon character is Woody from the movie, Toy Story. Here are some of the reasons he's my favorite cartoon character. The first reason is that he is a great leader. The second reason is that even though Woody is just a toy, he is just like a normal person. The third reason is that he has lots of friends. The last reason I like Woody is because I really enjoyed the movie.”)

Transitions are effectively used to connect ideas between paragraphs. (“ First off, Woody is a great leader. He is like the president of Andy's toys. He tells them everything that's happening around the house. For instance, when Andy’s family was moving, Woody informed all of the other toys that, they needed a ‘moving buddy’ so that no one would get left behind. There was also the time that Andy's birthday party got rescheduled, so Woody had to tell everyone. You’re probably wondering why this is such a big deal? For toys, this is a crucial problem. You see, toys worry so much if they will be getting replaced with a new, shinier, more technologically advanced toy. So, when he told everyone about the potential for new presents at the birthday party, they were all worried. ”)

The writer includes an ending that, although brief, provides readers with a sense of closure. (“In conclusion, Woody is my favorite animated cartoon character. First, he is a great leader. Second, even though he is a toy, he is like a normal person. Third, he has lots of friends. Last, I like him because I liked the movie. That's why I like him so much. Now who is your favorite animated cartoon character? Tell me! I am all ears!”)

Language Use & Style

The writer chooses descriptive words to effectively describe traits that make Woody similar to a real person. (“ Second, even though Woody is a toy, he is just like a normal person. This is because he comes to life. How? I don't know, but he can do anything we can do like run, walk, jump, talk, climb, think, feel, hear, and smell. He seems very human. One time, when he fell off the bed, he started coughing because he whiffed too much dust. When Buzz and Woody started to fight, he got hurt with all the punches and kicks that were exchanged. When Buzz closed his helmet on Woody’s finger, he again felt human pain, because the next thing you hear is Woody screaming out loud. ”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“ Along with that, Woody has lots of friends like Buzz, Jessie, Bullseye, Slinky, Rex, Hamm, Mr. Potato Head, RC, Wheezy, Etch, Mr. Speller, Baby face, Ducky, Hand-in-The- Box, Legs, and Sarge. Buzz is Woody's best friend. Buzz and Woody weren't always friends. When Buzz first arrived in Andy’s room, Woody was jealous and angry. It wasn't until Buzz was attached to Sid’s rocket that Woody said sorry and told Buzz he should be the one stuck to the rocket, not Buzz. From then, they became outstanding friends. ”)

The writer provides strong voice throughout the response. (“ Last, it is clear I like Woody because I liked the movie. When I was little, I watched Toy Story over and over again. I liked the movie so much. When we went to the store I tried looking for the original Buzz and Woody. The story showed me lots of things, like it is okay to share the spotlight, the value of friends, and sometimes, true friends fight. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

My favorite cartoon character is Jerry, from Tom and Jerry, created by Joseph Barbara and William Hanna and produced at MGM cartoon studio in Hollywood, California. Jerry is my favorite cartoon character because he is always so smart whenever he needs to think. Jerry can escape any time, he is adorable, and he is nice to a lot of small animal friends when there is need to escape from Tom the cat. In the next paragraphs, I will share with you more about why my favorite cartoon character is Jerry.

Jerry is always very smart because he can always find a way to escape Tom's traps and tricks. Jerry usually ends the cartoon by annoying Tom or tricking him. He is quick at thinking up plans to trap Tom or escape from him. He is nimble and speedy during any type of action. In the film short, Safety Second, Jerry is quick at thinking up things to prevent his nephew Nibbles from flaring up firecrackers and making them blow up.

Jerry can escape whenever he wishes to. He can fool Tom into doing anything or thinking anything that would make Tom get in trouble. For instance, in the story Excellent Mouse, Jerry becomes El Excellent and he dances to the music and steals food from the kitchen. The mouse-catching world champion, Tom, appears in the story and tries to get rid of El Excellent, but El Excellent always returns to the houses. He is always determined to accomplish his goals.

Jerry is very small and adorable. He is a milk chocolate-colored mouse with a cocoa colored stomach with legs that are speedy and fast at running. Also, he can trick Tom's owner into thinking that Tom did all sorts of bad things. Jerry also has cute, big eyes with long eyelashes. Jerry has flashing white teeth that nibble on cheese. He has a nose for food and news. That is why I really like Jerry.

Jerry is nice to a lot of small animals like him and helps them to escape from Tom. He helps them not get eaten by Tom. In the story, That's My Mommy, Jerry helps the small duck run away from Tom, although the small duck does not realize that Tom is not his mom. He also sometimes does things that an animal might not enjoy, but Jerry knows that it is right. Jerry has an open mind to help other animals and is always planning for the future.

In conclusion, I have shared with you more about why Jerry is my favorite cartoon character. The cartoon, Tom and Jerry, is extremely funny. I think that if you saw Tom and Jerry, you would agree with me on why he is a very nice and cute character in the cartoon. Someday, I hope that I can make a cartoon that is similar to Tom and Jerry that could be a positive presence in the lives of others.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by using an engaging statement in the introduction. (“ My favorite cartoon character is Jerry, from Tom and Jerry, created by Joseph Barbara and William Hanna and produced at MGM cartoon studio in Hollywood, California. Jerry is my favorite cartoon character because he is always so smart whenever he needs to think. Jerry can escape any time, he is adorable, and he is nice to a lot of small animal friends when there is need to escape from Tom the cat. In the next paragraphs, I will share with you more about why my favorite cartoon character is Jerry. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. (“ Jerry is always very smart because he can always find a way to escape Tom's traps and tricks. Jerry usually ends the cartoon by annoying Tom or tricking him. He is quick at thinking up plans to trap Tom or escape from him. He is nimble and speedy during any type of action. In the film short, Safety Second, Jerry is quick at thinking up things to prevent his nephew Nibbles from flaring up firecrackers and making them blow up. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very well. (“ Jerry is my favorite cartoon character because he is always so smart whenever he needs to think. Jerry can escape any time, he is adorable, and he is nice to a lot of small animal friends when there is need to escape from Tom the cat. In the next paragraphs, I will share with you more about why my favorite cartoon character is Jerry. ”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient appropriate details for support.

The content in the body paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain the main idea. (“Jerry is always very smart because he can always find a way to escape Tom's traps and tricks. Jerry usually ends the cartoon by annoying Tom or tricking him. He is quick at thinking up plans to trap Tom or escape from him. He is nimble and speedy during any type of action. In the film short, Safety Second, Jerry is quick at thinking up things to prevent his nephew Nibbles from flaring up firecrackers and making them blow up.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea in the topic sentence. (“Jerry is very small and adorable. He is a milk chocolate-colored mouse with a cocoa colored stomach with legs that are speedy and fast at running. Also, he can trick Tom's owner into thinking that Tom did all sorts of bad things. Jerry also has cute, big eyes with long eyelashes. Jerry has flashing white teeth that nibble on cheese. He has a nose for food and news. That is why I really like Jerry.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“Jerry is nice to a lot of small animals like him and helps them to escape from Tom. He helps them not get eaten by Tom. In the story, That's My Mommy, Jerry helps the small duck run away from Tom, although the small duck does not realize that Tom is not his mom. He also sometimes does things that an animal might not enjoy, but Jerry knows that it is right. Jerry has an open mind to help other animals and is always planning for the future.”)

Organization

There is good organization of ideas and events throughout the essay. The writer demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. Additionally, consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices is reflected.

The essay demonstrates a n effective introduction. (“ My favorite cartoon character is Jerry, from Tom and Jerry, created by Joseph Barbara and William Hanna and produced at MGM cartoon studio in Hollywood, California. Jerry is my favorite cartoon character because he is always so smart whenever he needs to think. Jerry can escape any time, he is adorable, and he is nice to a lot of small animal friends when there is need to escape from Tom the cat. In the next paragraphs, I will share with you more about why my favorite cartoon character is Jerry. ”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or sentences are used well. (“ Jerry can escape whenever he wishes to. He can fool Tom into doing anything or thinking anything that would make Tom get in trouble. For instance, in the story Excellent Mouse, Jerry becomes El Excellent and he dances to the music and steals food from the kitchen. The mouse-catching world champion, Tom, appears in the story and tries to get rid of El Excellent, but El Excellent always returns to the houses. He is always determined to accomplish his goals. ”)

The essay’s conclusion provides the readers with a sense of closure and a summary of the things that make Jerry a favorite character for this writer. (“ In conclusion, I have shared with you more about why Jerry is my favorite cartoon character. The cartoon, Tom and Jerry, is extremely funny. I think that if you saw Tom and Jerry, you would agree with me on why he is a very nice and cute character in the cartoon. Someday, I hope that I can make a cartoon that is similar to Tom and Jerry that could be a positive presence in the lives of others. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good use of language, voice, and style throughout the essay. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, good voice, and a clear sense of audience. The writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety .

The language and tone are consistent. (“ Jerry is very small and adorable. He is a milk chocolate-colored mouse with a cocoa colored stomach with legs that are speedy and fast at running. Also, he can trick Tom's owner into thinking that Tom did all sorts of bad things. Jerry also has cute, big eyes with long eyelashes. Jerry has flashing white teeth that nibble on cheese. He has a nose for food and news. That is why I really like Jerry.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“ Jerry is always very smart because he can always find a way to escape Tom's traps and tricks. Jerry usually ends the cartoon by annoying Tom or tricking him. He is quick at thinking up plans to trap Tom or escape from him. He is nimble and speedy during any type of action. In the film short, Safety Second, Jerry is quick at thinking up things to prevent his nephew Nibbles from flaring up firecrackers and making them blow up.”)

The writer employs good word choices to describe Jerry’s physical features as well as the scenarios he finds himself in during various episodes of the cartoon. (“ Jerry is nice to a lot of small animals like him and helps them to escape from Tom. He helps them not get eaten by Tom. In the story, That's My Mommy, Jerry helps the small duck run away from Tom, although the small duck does not realize that Tom is not his mom. He also sometimes does things that an animal might not enjoy, but Jerry knows that it is right. Jerry has an open mind to help other animals and is always planning for the future. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement, appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“ The mouse-catching world champion, Tom, appears in the story and tries to get rid of El Excellent, but El Excellent always returns to the houses. He is always determined to accomplish his goals.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

"Ha,ha" I laughed at the TV. Everyone has a favorite cartoon from an animated film. My favorite cartoon character is Spongebob Squarepants for a variety of reasons; now keep on reading to figure out why SpongeBob Squarepants is my favorite cartoon character.

I'm 100% positive I like this character because he always gets himself in some kind of trouble. For example, just last week, Spongebob went to the top of a cliff and jumped off after getting in a fight with his best friend Patrick. They got into a fight because Spongebob did not want to go back to bikini bottom. There was also the time he and Patrick started a chocolate business and everything was going wrong until they started to lie to the customers to help them sell the chocolates. For example, they told a bald customer that by eating their chocolate, he would grow hair. They also told a dumb farmer that eating their chocolates would make him smarter. Of course, neither claim was true.

My character has both strengths and weaknesses that make him likable. His strength is that he is always happy and laughing, he has a good sense of humor no matter what happens to him. His weakness is that he loves his job so much that Mr. Krabs, his boss, takes advantage of him by paying him very little money and making him work a lot of hours. For example, there was a time where Spongebob mentioned his salary and it was only a nickel a year. If I were Spongebob, I would quit the job and find a better job with a better deal. Spongebob also shows his strengths when he laughs even when someone says an insult about him like when Squidward calls him something rude.

To wrap it all up, Spongebob is my favorite cartoon character because he always gets himself into trouble and he has strengths and weaknesses. Who is your favorite cartoon character?

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The thesis statement provides the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view of the writer adequately. (“‘Ha,ha’ I laughed at the TV. Everyone has a favorite cartoon from an animated film. My favorite cartoon character is Spongebob Squarepants for a variety of reasons; now keep on reading to figure out why SpongeBob Squarepants is my favorite cartoon character.”)

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The essay is devoted to informing the readers about Spongebob, his strengths, and his weaknesses. (“My character has both strengths and weaknesses that make him likable. His strength is that he is always happy and laughing, he has a good sense of humor no matter what happens to him. His weakness is that he loves his job so much that Mr. Krabs, his boss, takes advantage of him by paying him very little money and making him work a lot of hours. For example, there was a time where Spongebob mentioned his salary and it was only a nickel a year. If I were Spongebob, I would quit the job and find a better job with a better deal. Spongebob also shows his strengths when he laughs even when someone says an insult about him like when Squidward calls him something rude.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“To wrap it all up, Spongebob is my favorite cartoon character because he always gets himself into trouble and he has strengths and weaknesses. Who is your favorite cartoon character?”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support.

In many areas of the essay, the writer uses adequate details to illustrate some of the main ideas. (“There was also the time he and Patrick started a chocolate business and everything was going wrong until they started to lie to the customers to help them sell the chocolates. For example, they told a bald customer that by eating their chocolate, he would grow hair. They also told a dumb farmer that eating their chocolates would make him smarter. Of course, neither claim was true.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“For example, there was a time where Spongebob mentioned his salary and it was only a nickel a year. If I were Spongebob, I would quit the job and find a better job with a better deal. Spongebob also shows his strengths when he laughs even when someone says an insult about him like when Squidward calls him something rude.”) Providing more specific details would enhance the writer’s descriptions of the character and explain why Spongebob is so meaningful to him/her in more relevant terms.

The writer provides anecdotal examples that are relevant. (“His weakness is that he loves his job so much that Mr. Krabs, his boss, takes advantage of him by paying him very little money and making him work a lot of hours. For example, there was a time where Spongebob mentioned his salary and it was only a nickel a year. If I were Spongebob, I would quit the job and find a better job with a better deal. Spongebob also shows his strengths when he laughs even when someone says an insult about him like when Squidward calls him something rude.”)

Organization

There is adequate organization in the essay. The writer provides an interesting opening to the response that keeps the intended audience reading. The essay generally flows smoothly from one idea to another with subtle transitions to support sequential development.

The beginning of the essay demonstrates an adequate attempt to capture the readers’ attention. (“ "Ha,ha" I laughed at the TV. Everyone has a favorite cartoon from an animated film. My favorite cartoon character is Spongebob Squarepants for a variety of reasons; now keep on reading to figure out why SpongeBob Squarepants is my favorite cartoon character. ”)

Subtle transitions are used to connect ideas. (“ I'm 100% positive I like this character because he always gets himself in some kind of trouble. For example, just last week, Spongebob went to the top of a cliff and jumped off after getting in a fight with his best friend Patrick. They got into a fight because Spongebob did not want to go back to bikini bottom.”) The writer should incorporate more transitions to connect the ideas in a more meaningful way.

The writer’s conclusion needs to provide a sense of closure by including a summary of his/her favorite cartoon character’s strengths and weaknesses, as well as thoughts for the readers to consider. As it stands, the conclusion falls short in providing these to readers. (“ To wrap it all up, Spongebob is my favorite cartoon character because he always gets himself into trouble and he has strengths and weaknesses. Who is your favorite cartoon character? ”)

Language Use & Style

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ His weakness is that he loves his job so much that Mr. Krabs, his boss, takes advantage of him by paying him very little money and making him work a lot of hours.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the response. The writer provides language that adequately describes his/her favorite cartoon character to the intended audience. (“ I'm 100% positive I like this character because he always gets himself in some kind of trouble. For example, just last week, Spongebob went to the top of a cliff and jumped off after getting in a fight with his best friend Patrick. They got into a fight because Spongebob did not want to go back to bikini bottom.”)

Word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the essay. (“ If I were Spongebob, I would quit the job and find a better job with a better deal. Spongebob also shows his strengths when he laughs even when someone says an insult about him like when Squidward calls him something rude.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure sentences have subject-verb agreement, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences begin with capital letters, word selections are spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs are indicated with line breaks. (“ My character has both strengths and weaknesses that make him likable. His strength is that he is always happy and laughing, he has a good sense of humor no matter what happens to him.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Stewie Griffin is small and evil. He have a brother and sister, his brother is Chris he's fat and dumb, but he's nice and kindly hearted. Chris has a closet with evil monkey he always scarying Chris so he can run away. And his sister is Meg, she's a girl who's not attractive, sometimes her friends laugh at her. Stewie have a lovely parents too there name is Peter and Louise. What I like about Stewie is that he's scary and dangerous.

Stewie makes me laugh alot. I like watching him because he acts evil. Stewie is always get in trouble by his mom. He does pranks on Chris. He lives with a big house with his dad, mom, his sister and his brother. Stewie has a one friend his name is Bryan, Bryan is a white dog and he's smart he lives in Stewie's house they always hang out each other and they do something too. Well Stewie has no many friends at all.

Stewie has a lovely bear his name is Rupert, Stewie really loves Rupert. My cousin and I like to watch "Family Guy " and friends like to watch too. We always watch family guy at Cartoon Network. It's really fun to watch " Family Guy " it's so funny. Well I have my favorite episodes at " Family Guy " is the movie about Star Wars Stewie is dark vader and his family is his enemy I really love that episode is so funny.

Stewie's voice is so different his voice is not a baby his voice is look like an old man. He have a football head and small body.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay states the controlling idea in a very limited way. (“Stewie Griffin is small and evil. He have a brother and sister, his brother is Chris he's fat and dumb, but he's nice and kindly hearted. Chris has a closet with evil monkey he always scarying Chris so he can run away. And his sister is Meg, she's a girl who's not attractive, sometimes her friends laugh at her. Stewie have a lovely parents too there name is Peter and Louise. What I like about Stewie is that he's scary and dangerous.”)

The writer’s focus is limited. The writer focuses on Stewie and the supporting characters, but the descriptions are limited at best. (“He lives with a big house with his dad, mom, his sister and his brother. Stewie has a one friend his name is Bryan, Bryan is a white dog and he's smart he lives in Stewie's house they always hang out each other and they do something too. Well Stewie has no many friends at all.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the essay. The writer should include more meaningful examples to illustrate the positive and negative attributes of this character and to explain why Stewie is so appealing. Including more relevant examples would help the readers picture the subject of the essay in their minds. (“Well I have my favorite episodes at ‘Family Guy’ is the movie about Star Wars Stewie is dark vader and his family is his enemy I really love that episode is so funny.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The essay develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support.

The essay uses limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Stewie makes me laugh alot. I like watching him because he acts evil. Stewie is always get in trouble by his mom. He does pranks on Chris. He lives with a big house with his dad, mom, his sister and his brother. Stewie has a one friend his name is Bryan, Bryan is a white dog and he's smart he lives in Stewie's house they always hang out each other and they do something too. Well Stewie has no many friends at all.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. (“Stewie's voice is so different his voice is not a baby his voice is look like an old man. He have a football head and small body.”)

The explanations and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“Chris has a closet with evil monkey he always scarying Chris so he can run away. And his sister is Meg, she's a girl who's not attractive, sometimes her friends laugh at her. Stewie have a lovely parents too there name is Peter and Louise. What I like about Stewie is that he's scary and dangerous.”)

Organization

There is limited organization of main ideas and supporting details. The writer demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. There is limited use of paragraphing, and the essay lacks some transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates a limited introduction. The writer discloses his/her favorite character but provides limited background information and descriptive details. (“ Stewie Griffin is small and evil. He have a brother and sister, his brother is Chris he's fat and dumb, but he's nice and kindly hearted. Chris has a closet with evil monkey he always scarying Chris so he can run away. And his sister is Meg, she's a girl who's not attractive, sometimes her friends laugh at her. Stewie have a lovely parents too there name is Peter and Louise. What I like about Stewie is that he's scary and dangerous.”)

Strong transitions between paragraphs and between sentences are needed to enhance the flow of the writer’s ideas. (“ Stewie has a lovely bear his name is Rupert, Stewie really loves Rupert. My cousin and I like to watch ‘Family Guy’ and friends like to watch too. We always watch family guy at Cartoon Network. It's really fun to watch ‘Family Guy’ it's so funny.”)

The conclusion of the essay does not provide readers with a sense of closure; it does not summarize the main ideas or leave readers with something to think about. (“ Stewie's voice is so different his voice is not a baby his voice is look like an old man. He have a football head and small body.”)

Language Use & Style

Some sentence lengths are short. (“ Stewie makes me laugh alot. I like watching him because he acts evil. Stewie is always get in trouble by his mom. He does pranks on Chris.”) The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the response more interesting.

Oftentimes, the writer demonstrates run-on sentences. (“ Well I have my favorite episodes at ‘Family Guy‘ is the movie about Star Wars Stewie is dark vader and his family is his enemy I really love that episode is so funny.”)

The sentences are too informal, and the word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“ He lives with a big house with his dad, mom, his sister and his brother. Stewie has a one friend his name is Bryan, Bryan is a white dog and he's smart he lives in Stewie's house they always hang out each other and they do something too. Well Stewie has no many friends at all.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, begin each sentence with a capital letter, indicate new paragraphs with line breaks, check for correct spelling of words, and ensure proper usage of words within the context of sentences. (“He have a brother and sister, his brother is Chris he's fat and dumb, but he's nice and kindly hearted. Chris has a closet with evil monkey he always scarying Chris so he can run away.”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

My favorite show is family guy. Family guy is funny. My favorite characters are Peter,Brian,and Stewie. My favorite movie was when robbers was an their house. They had came back from going out to eat. They was all lazy and full.

When they walked in the house. Peter forgot to locked the doors. Thats when the robbers came in. Then the family stated spiting on Megan so she can go down the vent to call the police. One robber saw Megan eating a sandwich in the kitchen The rest of them was upstairs in the camera room. Brian saw them on the camera. Thats when the robbers wrote a note telling them that they have Megan. It said we your son then Peter said on the microphone. Megan finally got away. The police can an arrested the robbers. They all lived happy.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay only minimally states a central/controlling idea. (“My favorite show is family guy. Family guy is funny. My favorite characters are Peter,Brian,and Stewie. My favorite movie was when robbers was an their house. They had came back from going out to eat. They was all lazy and full.”) The writer misses the opportunity to elaborate on the specific attributes of the cartoon or animated movie character. Providing more details at every turn in a response creates a richly textured message that gives the readers a clear picture of the character and the strengths and weaknesses he/she possesses.

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give the readers a true sense of the specific characters being described. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“Thats when the robbers wrote a note telling them that they have Megan. It said we your son then Peter said on the microphone. Megan finally got away.”)

Details are minimally developed. (“The police can an arrested the robbers. They all lived happy.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s thesis statement. (“When they walked in the house. Peter forgot to locked the doors. Thats when the robbers came in. Then the family stated spiting on Megan so she can go down the vent to call the police. One robber saw Megan eating a sandwich in the kitchen The rest of them was upstairs in the camera room.”)

In this two-paragraph essay, the writer does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“When they walked in the house. Peter forgot to locked the doors. Thats when the robbers came in. Then the family stated spiting on Megan so she can go down the vent to call the police. One robber saw Megan eating a sandwich in the kitchen The rest of them was upstairs in the camera room. Brian saw them on the camera. Thats when the robbers wrote a note telling them that they have Megan. It said we your son then Peter said on the microphone. Megan finally got away. The police can an arrested the robbers. They all lived happy.”)

Details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. Details should include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations that give the readers a clear picture of the characters, their strengths, and their weaknesses. (“My favorite characters are Peter,Brian,and Stewie. My favorite movie was when robbers was an their house. They had came back from going out to eat. They was all lazy and full.”)

Organization

The organization of the essay is minimal. The writer provides an opening that minimally reveals the purpose of the prompt task. The response lacks effective transitional devices and paragraphing and demonstrates little evidence of a strong ending.

The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ My favorite show is family guy. Family guy is funny. ”)

There is little evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ When they walked in the house. Peter forgot to locked the doors. Thats when the robbers came in. Then the family stated spiting on Megan so she can go down the vent to call the police. ”)

The writer does not attempt to include a strong conclusion. (“ Peter said on the microphone. Megan finally got away. The police can an arrested the robbers. They all lived happy. ”)

Language Use & Style

The lengths of the sentences are short and, in some cases, fragmented. (“ When they walked in the house. Peter forgot to locked the doors. Thats when the robbers came in.”)

Sentences are repetitive. (“ My favorite show is family guy. Family guy is funny. My favorite characters are Peter,Brian,and Stewie. My favorite movie was when robbers was an their house.”)

The writer relies on simple sentence structure and word choices. (“ One robber saw Megan eating a sandwich in the kitchen The rest of them was upstairs in the camera room. Brian saw them on the camera. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is minimal. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

My favarite cartoon charter is BettyBoo is my favarite cartoon charter sevral resson's. the first resson bettyboo is the best cartoon charter is because she is the funnyies preson on boomarang and she is famous she has a team she work's with to. The next resson bettyboo is my favarite cartoon charter because i love all heer outfit's and she has a specail team. My best friend is like bettyboo.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“ My favarite cartoon charter is BettyBoo is my favarite cartoon charter sevral resson's. the first resson bettyboo is the best cartoon charter is because she is the funnyies preson on boomarang and she is famous she has a team she work's with to.”)

The essay states a central/controlling idea but does not develop it adequately through examples and descriptive details. (“ The next resson bettyboo is my favarite cartoon charter because i love all heer outfit's and she has a specail team.”)

The essay’s lack of specific details renders the writer’s message ineffective and incomplete. (“My best friend is like bettyboo.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer neglects to develop ideas and uses no details for support.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“the first resson bettyboo is the best cartoon charter is because she is the funnyies preson on boomarang and she is famous she has a team she work's with to.”)

In this one-paragraph response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs. At least three main ideas should be included as evidence. (“My favarite cartoon charter is BettyBoo is my favarite cartoon charter sevral resson's. the first resson bettyboo is the best cartoon charter is because she is the funnyies preson on boomarang and she is famous she has a team she work's with to. The next resson bettyboo is my favarite cartoon charter because i love all heer outfit's and she has a specail team. My best friend is like bettyboo.”)

Details are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Details could include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations to bring the writer’s ideas to life. (“ My best friend is like bettyboo.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure, introduction, or conclusion, and there is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ My favarite cartoon charter is BettyBoo is my favarite cartoon charter sevral resson's.”)

T ransitional devices are used, but they are not used effectively to help connect ideas. (“ the first resson bettyboo is the best cartoon charter is because she is the funnyies preson on boomarang and she is famous she has a team she work's with to.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ My best friend is like bettyboo.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are short. (“ My best friend is like bettyboo.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ The next resson bettyboo is my favarite cartoon charter because i love all heer outfit's and she has a specail team.”)

The writer relies on simple sentences and word choices. (“My favarite cartoon charter is BettyBoo is my favarite cartoon charter sevral resson's.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Favorite Dessert

Your local newspaper is having a contest to see who can write the most effective description of a favorite dessert. Write an entry for the newspaper contest in which you describe your favorite dessert. Remember to describe the dessert clearly so the judges will know exactly what it is like.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

My favorite dessert in the world is frozen yogurt. Frozen yogurt is made out of yogurt. Even though it tastes like ice cream its really just yogurt! There's a lot of different flavors out there, they're really tasty and they're a lot healthier than other foods.

One of the best things about frozen yogurt is that you have a gigantic variety of flavors and toppings. So you can get a yogurt sundae or maybe just a scoop. There are lots of flavors there its not just the basic flavors like vanilla, chocolate and strawberry. They have like mango and other really weird but delicious things you wouldn't expect. The toppings are just unbelievable. They have everything Coldstone (it's a ice cream store) has but it goes beyond. They have chocolates and gummies but does Coldstone have ice cold, mouth-watering fruit? I don't think so because I've been there before. The fruits are so unusually delicious it's kind of hard to explain the taste. I'd say it was sour but it was just sour enough so the yogurt won't be to sweet.

But when you're really trying it it's like a Fourth of July of taste. You feel hot and then suddenly its like your in heaven. You're just overwhelmed by the explosion of taste from the yogurt. The yogurt is just the right sweetness and its just so creamy it actually taste soft and you haven't even got to the toppings yet. If you choose the perfect toppings to match your yogurt then it'll be incredible. Because if you choose the sundae. Then get the three basic flavors of ice cream. And you pick gummy bears, strawberries, and the last one (feel free to choose) for toppings. Then the tiny sourness of the strawberry makes you go "WOW." because it's just sour enough so you can barely taste it. Then the gummy bears of course become frozen because it's put in the yogurt, so you really have to chew it. But if you chew it slowly then you get the full flavor of it. And the last one can be chocolate (but it's your choice) which melts like ice cream in an oven.

One of the best way to make your parents buy it for you is its a lot healthier than just sugary ice cream. For one you can have fruits on it. Plus you can have different kinds like nonfat and all the other things people eat nowadays. And when you're eating your sundae (if you buy it) then you have to eat the banana at the bottom. So if it's a hot day and you want ice cream go to Ace Yogurt.

One of the most natural problems when dealing with good desserts is the cost. True frozen yogurt isn't cheap but it isn't expensive either. If you save up about 5 dollars you could get anything almost. The second that comes up most often is but it becomes so sticky after my child eats it. That matter is easily resolved if you cant properly eat frozen yogurt its then you have to wear a bib or a napkin or you could where nice old smelly shirt and pants and when your done just dump in the hamper. The third is, " but it's to far away." That one is hard to resolve but it can be done, you could just go there on special occasions. This way your mom saves more cash to buy more yogurt for you.

So there is variety, it taste good and is good for you. What’s not to like? Anyway, those are all my ideas and opinions about frozen yogurt. I hope you try it some someday.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Content & Development

The essay develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details to support ideas. The essay’s relevant points explain and illustrate the writer’s favorite dessert very effectively. The supporting details are well developed by the examples provided. The content of the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that effectively explain each body paragraph’s main idea. (“One of the best way to make your parents buy it for you is its a lot healthier than just sugary ice cream. For one you can have fruits on it. Plus you can have different kinds like nonfat and all the other things people eat nowadays.”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, effective use of paragraphing, and effective use of transitional devices throughout. The essay demonstrates a strong introduction and a very effective thesis statement. The essay grabs readers’ attention in the introduction, which includes very effective background information about the topic. There is a strong conclusion that summarizes the main points of the essay.

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, a clear sense of audience, and uses well-structured and varied sentences. The language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“My favorite dessert in the world is frozen yogurt. Frozen yogurt is made out of yogurt. Even though it tastes like ice cream its really just yogurt! There's a lot of different flavors out there, they're really tasty and they're a lot healthier than other foods.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay uses very effective control of conventions and mechanics. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence is indented when beginning a new paragraph, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ One of the best way to make your parents buy it for you is its a lot healthier than just sugary ice cream. For one you can have fruits on it. Plus you can have different kinds like nonfat and all the other things people eat nowadays.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Doesn't everyone like sweet desserts? I like all kinds of desserts. My favorite is chocolate ice cream at 31 Flavors. I like the taste, and the looks of ice cream, but most of all I like to eat it anytime.

The taste of chocolate ice cream is delicious. I like the way the ice cream makes my mouth and tongues feel so cold, and the way the coldness feels when it is going down my throat. The ice cream goes down, like a cold wintry snowy day sliding down a steep slippery hill on my sled. It's very refreshing. The rich chocolate in the ice cream smells like a big box of sweet chocolate candy. I really crave all kinds of chocolate.

My favorite place to get chocolate ice cream is 31 Flavors. They have it in big 5 gallon's tubs. I could eat the whole tub, but then I would be a sicker than a dog. At 31 Flavors the ice cream is so soft and creamy. It's the best. I like it either in an ice cream cone, two or three scoops of course, or I can have it in a large bowl. In my opinion, it does not need any sprinkles or any thing else on top. The chocolate is ice cream so delicious all by myself.

The best time for me to enjoy chocolate ice cream is almost all the time, especially on hot summer days. It's very refreshing. Sometimes my Mom lets me have it for my snacks. It's a good energy break when I am doing my home work. I love it.

As a family, after our dinner, we all enjoy having chocolate ice cream. I could have it everyday, but my Mom says I need to try other things, like chocolate cake, or chocolate pudding. Anything with chocolate is wonderful to me. My whole family loves chocolate too. Having chocolate ice cream is my families favorite dessert, it a great tasty treat.

All desserts are good, but chocolate ice cream is the best. I recommend everyone should go try the chocolate ice cream at 31 Flavors. It will surely satisfied your chocolate craving.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay uses good focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience and completes most parts of the task . The essay grabs readers’ attention by using an interesting statement, a question, or an engaging statement in the beginning of the introduction. All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. The language of the thesis fits the effective examples very well. (“ As a family, after our dinner, we all enjoy having chocolate ice cream. I could have it everyday, but my Mom says I need to try other things, like chocolate cake, or chocolate pudding. Anything with chocolate is wonderful to me.”)

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient, appropriate details to support ideas. Well-developed details are also used to support the example given. The content in the body paragraphs contains a variety of details that explain the paragraph’s main idea. The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. It is not as detailed as a 6-point essay, but it maintains a strong level of specificity. (“ The best time for me to enjoy chocolate ice cream is almost all the time, especially on hot summer days. It's very refreshing. Sometimes my Mom lets me have it for my snacks. It's a good energy break when I am doing my home work. I love it.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and consistent use of transitional devices. The introduction creatively grabs readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. The essay demonstrates a n effective introduction. The introduction provides enough information for readers to understand the connection between the background information and the thesis statement. The conclusion provides some closure and recaps at least some of the main points of the essay well. (“ All desserts are good, but chocolate ice cream is the best. I recommend everyone should go try the chocolate ice cream at 31 Flavors. It will surely satisfied your chocolate craving.”)

Language Use & Style

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ At 31 Flavors the ice cream is so soft and creamy. It's the best. I like it either in an ice cream cone, two or three scoops of course, or I can have it in a large bowl. In my opinion, it does not need any sprinkles or any thing else on top.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay uses good control of conventions and mechanics. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, m ost sentences have a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and begin with a capital letter. (“ The taste of chocolate ice cream is delicious. I like the way the ice cream makes my mouth and tongues feel so cold, and the way the coldness feels when it is going down my throat. The ice cream goes down, like a cold wintry snowy day sliding down a steep slippery hill on my sled.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I like many desserts infact sweets are my favorite thing to eat. At the top of my sweet dessert list is the scumtious beautiful and dilitious banana splits. Banana split have many great tasting topping and ice cream to eat.

Actully there are three reasons why I love banana splits. The first reason why is that the bananas are fresh, soft, tasty. They use one or two bananas, they cut them in half and lay the in a special dish just made for banana splits.

When making a banana split, you can choose any three different scoops of ice cream. I like cookies n cream in one scoop, another scoop of strawbarry ice cream and mint ice cream. I like the way you can really taste the different flavors. The cookies n cream is one of my favorite ice cream because the oreos gives it an extra boost of tast. Strawbarry ice cream has strawbarrys inside that give its dilitious kick. Mint ice cream has its outstandding, refreshing mint flavor to cool your mouth in a hot, warm day.

Also while making a banana split you need to choose any kind of toppings you want. There are three toppings I like on my scrumtious banana split. The first one is bit of creamy plane chocolate that has its melt in your mouth taste. Next are sweet juicy bluebarries scattered around the delitious dessert. The last topping is last but not leest whipe cream smothered all on top of it.

So next time you are out give the banana split a try. You won’t regret it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea and demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience and completes many parts of the task. The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“ Actully there are three reasons why I love banana splits. The first reason why is that the bananas are fresh, soft, tasty. They use one or two bananas, they cut them in half and lay the in a special dish just made for banana splits.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. It develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support. The main ideas of the body paragraphs support the thesis , and t he details used to explain the main ideas are adequate. The essay includes facts and statistics, examples, brief narratives, or explanations about each of the main ideas. (“ When making a banana split, you can choose any three different scoops of ice cream. I like cookies n cream in one scoop, another scoop of strawbarry ice cream and mint ice cream. I like the way you can really taste the different flavors.”)

Organization

The essay uses adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, but there is inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. The essay demonstrates an adequate introduction, which ends with an adequate thesis statement. The introduction also includes adequate background information about the topic. (“ Banana split have many great tasting topping and ice cream to eat.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice, but word choices are sometimes poor. (“ The cookies n cream is one of my favorite ice cream because the oreos gives it an extra boost of tast. Strawbarry ice cream has strawbarrys inside that give its dilitious kick. Mint ice cream has its outstandding, refreshing mint flavor to cool your mouth in a hot, warm day.”) The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety, and t he lengths of sentences are adequately varied.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates adequate control of mechanics and conventions. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb, many sentences end with a punctuation mark, many sentences are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and many sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ When making a banana split, you can choose any three different scoops of ice cream. I like cookies n cream in one scoop, another scoop of strawbarry ice cream and mint ice cream. I like the way you can really taste the different flavors. The cookies n cream is one of my favorite ice cream because the oreos gives it an extra boost of tast.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I will be telling you about my favorite dessert and it is cake.Cake is a fluffy and spungy dessert.I like cake because of its tastes, frosting, and its looks.

Cake has a nice vanilla or chocolate tastes that makes me just fall in love with it.If I just were to take a bite out of it I would just drown into it.When I am eating it I am hypnotized by the fantastic tastes from it.

The best part about the cake is the frosting.Cake has all kinds of scrumptious flavors of frosting. Just thinking of it makes my mouth water.

Before eating the cake,you look at it.When I see cake I glare at it,it makes me lick my lips and get hungry again.When it is opened and cut I lust an drule for a piece.Cake is a fascinating dessert ,just thinking of it makes me want a piece. Do you think you should try this wonderful cake.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea, but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience and completes only some parts of the task. The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay states a limited central/controlling idea of the essay. In the introduction, only a limited supporting idea of the essay is stated. The writing style is not always appropriate for the audience. (“I will be telling you about my favorite dessert and it is cake.Cake is a fluffy and spungy dessert.I like cake because of its tastes, frosting, and its looks.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. It develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support ideas. The writer uses limited detail and explanation to illustrate the main ideas in the body paragraphs. (“The best part about the cake is the frosting.Cake has all kinds of scrumptious flavors of frosting. Just thinking of it makes my mouth water.”)

Organization

There is limited organization in this essay. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, lacks paragraphing, and lacks some transitional devices. The essay demonstrates evidence of a good introduction, but it is short and does not provide an attempt to get readers’ attention. The conclusion attempts to summarize the main points of the essay. (“ When it is opened and cut I lust an drule for a piece.Cake is a fascinating dessert ,just thinking of it makes me want a piece. Do you think you should try this wonderful cake.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates simple language and word choice and some awareness of audience and control of voice. The lengths of the sentences are short and transitions are needed. (“ Cake has a nice vanilla or chocolate tastes that makes me just fall in love with it.If I just were to take a bite out of it I would just drown into it.When I am eating it I am hypnotized by the fantastic tastes from it.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. The author should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. (“ Before eating the cake,you look at it.When I see cake I glare at it,it makes me lick my lips and get hungry again.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

My favorite dessert is Alyssa's fudgey Whip Cream delight. I made it myself. The main ingredients is chocolate and whip cream. It has a hand full of chocolate chips that add the real good part. One oatmeal cream pie and a fudge round that is crumbled up into little pieces that is one of my favorite part. A hand full of very fluffy marshmallows. A pinch of nuts all over the whip cream and a pinch of rainbow spiracles all over the whip cream as well. The nuts and spiracles add the pretty part. After you put the spiracles on the whip cream you repeat the ingredients. That is my favorite dessert.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. The writer suggests a controlling idea, but demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and completes few parts of the task. The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay does not state the central/controlling idea of the essay. In the introduction, the supporting idea of the essay is not stated. In the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is not stated. The writing style is not appropriate for the audience. (“ My favorite dessert is Alyssa's fudgey Whip Cream delight. I made it myself. The main ingredients is chocolate and whip cream. It has a hand full of chocolate chips that add the real good part.”)

Content & Development

The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support ideas. There is minimal evidence used to explain or support the thesis statement. The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. Each main idea should be written as topic sentence in its own body paragraph. Details are minimally used to explain and illustrate the evidence. The essay is very short and amounts to only one or two paragraphs of material. (“ A pinch of nuts all over the whip cream and a pinch of rainbow spiracles all over the whip cream as well. The nuts and spiracles add the pretty part.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion with little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. The essay demonstrates little evidence of a good introduction, which does little to grab readers’ attention. The introduction includes little background information about the topic, and the first sentence does little to include a question, quotation, or an interesting fact or statistic. Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are needed. There is little attempt at providing a conclusion to the essay. (“ After you put the spiracles on the whip cream you repeat the ingredients. That is my favorite dessert.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience and makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. The lengths of the sentences are short, and the style is not formal. (“ The nuts and spiracles add the pretty part. After you put the spiracles on the whip cream you repeat the ingredients. That is my favorite dessert.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

hot fude cake is my fvorite desert. it is wam as it tubles down your throat. It sends a shiver down your throt as you bite into it it taste like heven on Earth. The fdge is so wrm. The cake is ric choclate. it is pictue perfct as it stemes up into the air. It maks you crave it mre and more.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer fails to establish a controlling idea, demonstrates no understanding of purpose and audience, and completes no parts of the task. T he essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include many relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“ hot fude cake is my fvorite desert. it is wam as it tubles down your throat.”)

Content & Development

The writer fails to develop ideas and uses no details to support ideas. Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. At least three main ideas are not included as evidence, and there are no main ideas in the body paragraphs. (“ It sends a shiver down your throt as you bite into it it taste like heven on Earth. The fdge is so wrm.”) Details (including examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence.

Organization

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion and no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices. The essay demonstrates very little or no evidence of a good introduction. The essay does not grab readers’ attention in the introduction. The first sentence of the introduction does not include a question, a quotation, or an interesting fact or statistic. The essay includes little or no evidence of a conclusion. (“The cake is ric choclate. it is pictue perfct as it stemes up into the air. It maks you crave it mre and more.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. The lengths of the sentences are short; more varied, appropriate transitions are needed. Also, t he style of the essay is not formal. (“ The fdge is so wrm. The cake is ric choclate. it is pictue perfct as it stemes up into the air. It maks you crave it mre and more.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Favorite Pet

Think about a pet you own or would like to own. Before you begin to write, think about what the pet looks like, how it feels, what type of sound it makes, and how it acts. Now write a letter to a friend that describes your favorite pet.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Hello,

My family has recently acquired a yellow Indian Runner duck. We named him Puddles! He has the cutest webbed feet, a long, flat bill, and a brown splotch on his head. We got our new pet at IFA (International Farmer's Association). This is where we always get our chicks, although this is our first year getting a duckling. My friends said that ducks are three times as messy as chickens, but my mom is sure she wants the duck. It will be interesting to see what will happen, because my mother got rid of our older chickens because they were too messy. They would get into the garden, raid the flower beds, and make messes on the patio. They were the masterminds of Chicken World, because no matter what kind of fence or barrier we put up, they would always find a way to get in.

You've seen a cute and fluffy baby chick right? Well, a baby duck is twice as cute, and triple times as fluffy. And of course you know how small and fragile the baby chicken's beak is! Because the duck is an Indian Runner, instead of waddling flat, our duck walks almost straight up! These ducks are widely known because when they are big enough to live outside (ours is a week old), people would dress them up! They would also put their duck on a leash, and take them on a walk. Also, some people teach their ducks to fetch! I don't plan on dressing our duck, but the fetching sounds fun.

When Puddles "squeaks," it is really high pitched, and really short. You've probably heard your dog whine, and that is what Puddles sounds like. When we received him, we also got two Bard Rock chickens. When the three of them all chirp at once, they can get quite annoying! Puddle's chirp is the highest of the three birds. All day long our house chirps like a soprano choir, occasionally stopping for a quick drink, a short meal, or a brief nap.

Chickens and ducks sometimes drink by slurping water into their beaks (or bills), and then flinging their head back to swallow. This is quite a sight, and fairly common among Puddles and the chickens. We will keep them in a large cardboard box until they are old enough to be outside and not freeze during the cold nights. When we watch them, we lean up against the box, and watch them slurp up the water, and peck at their food. When Puddles is satisfied (after he eats, finishes drinking, or wakes up from a nap), he will stand up, stretch out his tiny wings, and shake his tail! It almost looks like he's vibrating, because when he shakes his tail, his whole body shakes! It is really funny, and will never get old.

In fact, yesterday we filled up a small container, and set Puddles in it. He looked like a fish out of water! He would peck at the water, and then stand on one leg while scratching his beak with the other. He actually fell over a couple times. As he eventually got used to the water, he stopped panicking, and just started to walk around the container. But even though he could of, he did not swim! We took video of him splashing water all over the kitchen floor, and pictures of him looking like a movie star in his own film. I'm sure he thinks we're nuts the way we swooned over him, especially since we're giants in his small world. But I think he liked the attention, although the chicks probably disagree, because all while we were upstairs watching Puddles splash around, the chicks were chirping louder than ever! They were probably wondering where their friend was.

You should come and visit us and meet Puddles and the chicks!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Content & Development

The essay develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details for support. Relevant points explain and illustrate very effectively. Supporting details develop the example well. (“ Because the duck is an Indian Runner, instead of waddling flat, our duck walks almost straight up!”) The essay includes facts and statistics, examples, brief narratives or explanations that tell a small story, people's actual words or quotes, or a definition of a difficult or important word about each of the main ideas.

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, effective use of paragraphing, and effective use of transitional devices throughout. The essay demonstrates a very effective introduction and thesis statement. It is a little bit disorganized at first, but the author very effectively uses paragraphing and subtle transitions to move between ideas successfully. (“ When Puddles "squeaks," it is really high pitched, and really short. You've probably heard your dog whine, and that is what Puddles sounds like.”) Finally, the author ends with a brief conclusion. A longer conclusion would have been much more effective, but overall, the organization is very clear for the elementary level. (“You should come and visit us and meet Puddles and the chicks.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, a clear sense of audience, and uses well-structured and varied sentences. Language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. The sentence structure is very effective for the elementary level. (“ Puddle's chirp is the highest of the three birds. All day long our house chirps like a soprano choir, occasionally stopping for a quick drink, a short meal, or a brief nap.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay uses very effective control of conventions and mechanics. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence is indented when beginning a new paragraph, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. Comma usage is particularly successful. (“ When we received him, we also got two Bard Rock chickens. When the three of them all chirp at once, they can get quite annoying!”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Megan,

Do you have a favorite pet? Well, I do and it's my aunt's pet Daisy. In the following essay, I'm going to tell you what she looks like, feel like, the noises she makes, and her personality. Daisy has allotted of nicknames like Doodles and Chubs. We call her Doodles because she is so funny; the reason we call her Chubs is because she is chubby and cute. Daisy is the cutest dog I have every met.

Daisy is an Apple Head Toy Chihuahua she looks like a little toy. You may think she has a potty nose, but she does not she has an apple nose. That means she has a round nose like any other dog. Daisy skin colors are brown and white, and her stomach is white and her back is brown. Daisy's nose is always very wet and shiny it is so adorable. She looks extremely lovable.

Daisy's hair feels as smooth as a baby's bottom. She feels like one of the cuddliest pets in the whole world. Daisy is always’s fond of cuddling between your legs. My aunt's dog is warm blooded, so every time you hold her in your arms she feels as hot as fire. She is very pleasant. She is my tiny adorable teddy bear.

Daisy makes a lot of different noises. She growls and barks every time she sees strangers. I never mind though because I know she is just trying the protect us. Daisy's collar has a bell on it so very time she runs you know it her because you hear it jingle. Daisy also makes many more different sounds, but these are the ones that caught my mind.

Daisy has many unique personalities. She is very playful so I love to play fetch with her. My aunt's dog is very hyper every time you ring the door bell or walk in the house she will jump on you like crazy. She also has her calm and friendly times. She is so friendly that you can just go up to her and pet her. Daisy would not growl or bite you. She is very relaxing, I know this because every time I lay with her I falls asleep. You will probably enjoy her friendly times.

I recommend that you get an Apple Head Toy Chihuahua. They make great pets. I would love to have one, but my parent will not let me. If you get one, trust me you would be tremendously glad. They are one of the most easyest dog to take care of. I hope you think about getting an Apple Head Toy Chihuahua.

Sincerely,

Susan

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay uses good focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea, demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes most parts of the task . The introduction is somewhat simplistic, but it does give readers some specific details to help them understand the purpose of the essay. (“ We call her Doodles because she is so funny; the reason we call her Chubs is because she is chubby and cute. Daisy is the cutest dog I have every met.”) Overall, the content is clear and on topic. In addition, the author uses little to no slang or other informal language that would not be appropriate for the audience.

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient appropriate details for support. Main ideas are somewhat interesting. (“Daisy is an Apple Head Toy Chihuahua she looks like a little toy.”) Supporting details help develop and explain these details well. (“ You may think she has a potty nose, but she does not she has an apple nose. That means she has a round nose like any other dog.”) Overall, for an elementary-level essay, the author succeeds in providing strong positions with substantive supporting details.

Organization

The essay has good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and consistent use of transitional devices. The introduction attempts to grab the readers’ attention by including a question that gives them something to think about. (“ Do you have a favorite pet?”) Transitions are not particularly common in this essay (first, next, then), but the author does successfully move between different ideas through paragraphing and more direct language. (“Daisy makes a lot of different noises.” and “Daisy has many unique personalities.”) Finally, the author provides some concluding remarks that provide some closure for the readers. (“I recommend that you get an Apple Head Toy Chihuahua. They make great pets.”) In addition, the essay gives some additional insight into the topic not previously disclosed in the rest of the essay. (“I would love to have one, but my parent will not let me.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice, a clear sense of audience, and well-structured sentences with some variety. The language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. There are some errors in language use on occasion, but readers can still understand the author’s intent. (“ She is very relaxing; I know this because every time I lay with her I falls asleep. You will probably enjoy her friendly times.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay uses good control of conventions and mechanics. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, m ost sentences have a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and begin with a capital letter. The author uses the semicolon correctly. (“ We call her Doodles because she is so funny; the reason we call her Chubs is because she is chubby and cute.”) There are occasionally some errors in mechanics and conventions, but readers can still infer the author’s intent. (“They are one of the most easyest dog to take care of”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

My favorite pet was my dog Bear. He was so awesome, funny, and sweet. Then we moved. But we had to gave him to our neighbor. I really do miss him. Well, now I am going to give more wonderful details.

Bear was so awsome because of the cuter little thing he did. When I got him on Christmas and I was six. He was a small, black, cozy ball of hair. I also remember one time my father called him and he turned around looked at my dad. Bear's ears went straight up. HOW CUTE!

When I use to come home from school me and my dog Bear would dance and he was really good. We even use to talk. He just does the most funniest things ever. My daddy toke him fishing and guess what? HE CAUGHT A FISH! So my father called out "Bear" so he turned around and posed for the camera. I really do miss thosedays back in Orlando.

I know your probally wondering why I miss him, I miss Bear because when wemoved where we weren't able to have cats nor dogs. So we gave to our well knowned neighbor. And finally moved to Daytona after two years without bear. then we found out he had kids, and was at a farm. So thats why i missed him.

Now i have shared my good time story wuth tou about my favorite pet dog name Bear. A black, small, cozy ball of hair. Also weird, crazy, and does funny things. Like dancing, my favorite! Well those are my favorite things about mu wonderful, favorite dog Bear. but don't forget CUTE!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea, demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes many parts of the task. The thesis states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. (“ My favorite pet was my dog Bear. He was so awesome, funny, and sweet. Then we moved.”) This simple series of sentences provides the readers with quite a lot of information in a very short period of time. It also draws the readers in, encouraging them to read more. In addition, most of the content is sufficiently formal. Some sentences are a bit too informal, but it does not significantly detract from the main idea. (“Bear's ears went straight up. HOW CUTE!”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. It develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support. The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. The main ideas of the body paragraphs support the thesis. The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. At least three details are stated about each main idea. The details provided are interesting and engaging, and they give the author a clear image of what is happening. (“ So my father called out "Bear" so he turned around and posed for the camera. I really do miss those days back in Orlando.”) The writing includes sufficient details for the elementary level, but ideally, the author should include additional details.

Organization

The essay uses adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, but there is inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. The author begins by introducing the topic in a direct way. It isn’t very creative, but it does adequately introduce the topic to readers unfamiliar with the prompt and directly indicates the purpose of the essay. (“My favorite pet was my dog Bear. He was so awesome, funny, and sweet.”) Effective transitions are not often used, but the author does clearly attempt to move between ideas. (“Now i have shared my good time story wuth tou about my favorite pet dog name Bear.”) In addition, paragraphing successfully separates different ideas. Finally, the author attempts to provide some closing remarks in the concluding paragraph. (“Well those are my favorite things about mu wonderful, favorite dog Bear.”) Overall, the essay’s organization is very basic, but it does adequately organize the ideas presented.

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. Sentence lengths are adequately varied. Exact and specific words from the research and the prompt task are used adequately; h owever, word choices are sometimes poor. (“ He just does the most funniest things ever.”) Most of the content is clear and correct, but some errors do occasionally distract the readers and may impede meaning.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates adequate control of mechanics and conventions. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb, many sentences end with a punctuation mark, many sentences are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and many sentences begin with a capital letter. Overall, there are some noticeable errors in mechanics and conventions, but they rarely impede meaning. Readers can usually infer the author’s intent. (“ Now i have shared my good time story wuth tou about my favorite pet dog name Bear.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

A lot of people prefer different animals as pets. Some people choose dogs; some choose cats and others like pigs, horses, ducks, turtles, fish, and birds. I like dogs and cats, but, I really like dogs. Because my dog is soft,(plus sheds a lot of hair), warns you by barking but they are little spoiled brats.

Well somehow she always getting like when she runs outside, she always roll in the mud. And relaxes in it then I have to clean her. Then after she is done getting clean I give her melted cheese and she gets dirty again.

When people come bye she will bark and sometimes she will bite you. She will scratch the door until she gets that person. She bites hard,

My dog is very spoiled and sometimes a brat. She gets everything she wants. When she goes to Petco

She gets the whole store toys. But she never uses them. She gets all these types of cheese, I mean like I can't even eat it. She has Italian cheese, fat free cheese, mozzarella, white cheese, and the singles.

I would choose a this as a pet because they are so small. That's why I like dogs. So you should go get one right this second.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience and completes only some parts of the task. The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. Many of the ideas are not fully explained. Readers unfamiliar with the prompt or the subject matter may be confused. (“She gets all these types of cheese, I mean like I can't even eat it.”) The essay shows evidence of a thesis, but it is poorly structured and does not fully explain the purpose of the essay. (“I like dogs and cats, but, I really like dogs. Because my dog is soft,[plus sheds a lot of hair], warns you by barking but they are little spoiled brats.”) Essays at this level also tend to be too informal. This essay is sufficiently formal for an elementary school student writing about their pet, but more sophisticated language would improve the quality of the essay.

Content & Development

The essay demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. It may lack proper use of paragraphing and some transitional devices. The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. Details that are provided are not sufficiently explained. In addition, some of the ideas do not relate to the thesis or the main ideas of the paragraphs. (“She has Italian cheese, fat free cheese, mozzarella, white cheese, and the singles.”) Also, the author should include more details that help explain the author’s affection for his or her pet.

Organization

The essay has limited organization. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. It lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices. The essay demonstrates evidence of a good introduction, but it is brief and does not fully explain the purpose of the essay to uninformed readers. (“ I like dogs and cats, but, I really like dogs. Because my dog is soft,[plus sheds a lot of hair], warns you by barking but they are little spoiled brats.”) The author does use transitions, but they are ineffective at smoothly moving between ideas. (“Well somehow she always getting like when she runs outside, she always roll in the mud.”) Also, the author attempts to provide some concluding statements, but they are too brief and simplistic. (“That's why I like dogs. So you should go get one right this second.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates simple language and word choice and some awareness of audience and control of voice. Sentence lengths are often very short. The author should provide more complex sentences that would improve readability. (“ She gets everything she wants. When she goes to Petco

She gets the whole store toys. But she never uses them.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. The author should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. In this case, the author’s use of mechanics and conventions is adequate, but there are some noticeable errors that distract the readers. (“ When people come bye she will bark and sometimes she will bite you.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Amber,

I would like to have a cat for a pet. They don't smell and they're cuddly. They look like tiger but in a smaller version. The cats behavior is very good. I would like to name the cat twinkle if it's a girl, and for a boy I would name it Fluffy. The cat that I like is very sweet. He or she doesn't bite. I t will be orange and white. The cat will feel soft and like you don't want to put it down. I hope you will love him.

From Ashley

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. The writer suggests a controlling idea but demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and completes few parts of the task. The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay does have a brief thesis. (“ I would like to have a cat for a pet. They don't smell and they're cuddly.”) While the author does attempt to provide some details about the pet, they are not organized in a clear and concise way. Overall, the author does have sufficient focus, but additional details are needed to fully assess the writer’s capabilities.

Content & Development

The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support. There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. Details that are provided are very general and do not help readers understand what the author is trying to say. (“ The cats behavior is very good.”) Ideally, an essay for the elementary level should have at least three main ideas as evidence and several supporting details within those paragraphs.

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. The essay demonstrates little evidence of a good introduction. There is only one brief sentence that seems to be part of the introduction and thesis. The rest of the essay includes random facts about the pet. (“ I would like to have a cat for a pet. They don't smell and they're cuddly.”) There are no transitions or paragraphs, and there is very little evidence of a conclusion. (“I hope you will love him.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience and makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. Sentence lengths are short, and there are no transitions. Overall, while technically proficient, the language used is not detailed or interesting. (“ The cat that I like is very sweet. He or she doesn't bite. I t will be orange and white.”) Additional content is necessary to fully assess the writer’s capabilities.

Mechanics & Conventions

There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. The essay may not end each sentence with a punctuation mark or begin each sentence with a capital letter. In this case, the author has fair control over mechanics and conventions, but some mistakes are present that undercut the author’s credibility. (“The cats behavior is very good.”) While the author makes few obvious errors in mechanics and conventions, additional content is necessary to fully assess the writer’s capabilities.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

mi favroite pet is a dog becus ther soft. they can brake lowdr tan a cat and they can bit hord. They can protect you from somone . and someone braking in your howse and they mak good pats. if you no how to takarov one and you need to feed ham and tran ham vary wall. ad take him out so he kan yows the bathroom outside.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Content & Development

The writer fails to develop ideas and uses no details for support. Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. Details are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (Details include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations.) Ideas that are presented are underdeveloped. (“ They can protect you from somone . and someone braking in your howse and they mak good pats.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates little or no evidence of a unified structure, with no introduction or conclusion, and little or no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices. The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. The first sentence of the introduction does not include a question, a quotation, or an interesting fact. Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are needed. The essay does not include a strong conclusion and ends abruptly. (“ ad take him out so he kan yows the bathroom outside.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. Sentence lengths are short. The essay may be repetitious. The writer should use more varied and appropriate transitions. In this case, the essay’s problems with language use are so common that it is difficult to determine exactly what the author is trying to communicate. It is barely scoreable. (“ if you no how to takarov one and you need to feed ham and tran ham vary wall.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the message. The text may not be indented when beginning a new paragraph, and each sentence may not begin with a capital letter. Essays at this level tend to have many errors that seriously impede the essay’s readability and the author’s credibility. Like the author’s use of language, the mechanics and conventions are similarly difficult to interpret. The problems are so severe that the message is almost completely lost. (“mi favroite pet is a dog becus ther soft.”)

Favorite Toy

In the story The Velveteen Rabbit , the Skin Horse says to the Velveteen Rabbit, "When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become real."

Write about the one toy you have had at any time in your life that you have loved the most.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

There are many toys in the world that kids can play with. Out of all the toys that exist, there are many that I like. However, my favorite toys include my bike, my soft air gun and also my computers. I think these toys are very fun in many ways. I can ride really fast on my bike, have soft air wars with my soft air gun, and play on-line games with my friends on my computer. You might think the toys I am talking about are boring, but I have reasons to prove they are fun.

My bike is one of my favorite toys. The reason why my bike is one of my favorite toys is because I can go really fast on it and get to other places very quickly. My bike is the fastest bike in my community. It is also very light and I can jump off ramps while riding my bike. It is really fun to ride on a really fast bike like mine. These are reasons why my bike is one of my favorite toys.

My soft air gun is another one of my favorite toys. The reason why my soft air gun is very fun is because my friends and I like to have wars and we like to practice shooting the target. Also, guns are fascinating, because they can protect you. I think soft air guns are very fun because you have to be a prudent person when using the guns. You have to be wise when using a gun because you need to make sure you do not shoot somebody from your own team. You also have to move very swift and expeditiously. That is why I think my soft air gun is one of my favorite toys.

Lastly, my computer is one of my favorite toys. The reason why I like my computer so much is because I can play on-line games with my friends. I can also send and receive message through my email. By having a computer, I can also fix my writing for essays in many ways. By typing my essay on the computer, I can make it very neat and I can also fix my spelling errors. The computer has many good websites to browse through. The website I use the most frequently is http://www.dictionary.com. This website is an on-line dictionary, and it helps me with all the definitions I need to know. That is why I think the computer is fun.

There are many good toys that I can play with. However, the bike, soft air gun, and the computer are the most significant in my life. They give me significant enjoyment all day long. I never get even a little bit bored with these things around to keep me busy and out of my parent’s hair. These toys also help me in my everyday life, and I appreciate getting the chance to play with them!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea, demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, completes all parts of the task, and may even go beyond the limits of the task. The essay grabs the readers’ attention by very effectively using an interesting statement or a question at the beginning of the introduction. It isn’t particularly creative, but for an elementary-level writer, it is very effective. (“ There are many toys in the world that kids can play with.”) The content is focused on describing these different items and how they relate to the author’s life. None of the information is completely irrelevant. There may be some information that is only tangentially related to the topic, but the majority of the content is clear, correct, and on topic. (“By typing my essay on the computer, I can make it very neat and I can also fix my spelling errors.”) Tone is very appropriate for the audience.

Content & Development

The essay develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details for support. The essay’s relevant points explain and illustrate very effectively. (“The reason why my bike is one of my favorite toys is because I can go really fast on it and get to other places very quickly.”) Specific examples are also useful and help readers visualize what the author is talking about. (“ The website I use the most frequently is http://www.dictionary.com. This website is an on-line dictionary, and it helps me with all the definitions I need to know.”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, effective use of paragraphing, and effective use of transitional devices throughout. While the introduction is not particularly creative, it does provide a very clear thesis. Readers immediately know what the author is trying to convey. (“ think these toys are very fun in many ways. I can ride really fast on my bike, have soft air wars with my soft air gun, and play on-line games with my friends on my computer.”) The author transitions very effectively into explaining why these items are entertaining for him or her. (“You might think the toys I am talking about are boring, but I have reasons to prove they are fun.”) The essay concludes with a very effective summary of the ideas discussed throughout the essay without using language that is too repetitive. (“There are many good toys that I can play with. However, the bike, soft air gun, and the computer are the most significant in my life.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, a clear sense of audience, and uses well-structured and varied sentences. The language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ It is also very light and I can jump off ramps while riding my bike.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay uses very effective control of conventions and mechanics. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence is indented when beginning a new paragraph, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ The reason why I like my computer so much is because I can play on-line games with my friends.”) There may be some sentences with minor errors, but they do not interfere with meaning.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

When I am asked what my favorite toy is, one thing pops into my head. Everyone had or has a favorite toy. There is no doubt in my mind that legos are the best toy ever created.

Legos are a lot of fun. When I used to play with legos, I played for a long time. I think they are addicting and when you start to play with them, you do not take your hands off them. My brother, Brian, and I played with them for hours. We used to sit in our play room we had down stairs and build for hours. We once built a McDonalds and a bank. Brian made the bank, I made the McDonalds. One day we actually started to make a whole city, but we ran out of legos.

Legos, an exciting toy, are for ages 5 and up. Anyone can play with them. If you want to build things when your older, they can help you. If your one of those types of people that do not have patience, I don't think legos are the right toy for you. You have to have the patience and the ability to sit down for a few hours if you want to play with them.

The Lego company is very smart. They made every color of lego and all different sizes and shapes. You can make anything you want to make if you take the time and got the right pieces to make it. Legos can be used for a lot of things. For example, Construction companies can use them to make designs for houses and office buildings. They can also be used for enjoyment. You really cannot take them everywhere you go because you can lose the pieces.

Finally, who ever made legos is very smart. They knew that if they made them, people will love them. Once someone makes something, they do not want to take it apart. If they run out of legos while making things, they have to go out and buy more. That makes the company a lot of money. Spending it on advertisements is the smart thing to do. That is why legos were so popular.

To me, when I was young, legos where the best. To this day, I still like playing with them.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay uses good focus and meaning. The author establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea, demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes most parts of the task . The essay grabs readers’ attention by using an interesting statement, a question, or an engaging statement at the beginning of the introduction. (“ When I am asked what my favorite toy is, one thing pops into my head.”) All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. The language of the thesis fits the effective examples very well. No irrelevant information is present. Although some essays at this level may contain some tangential information, this essay does a good job of staying on topic.

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient appropriate details for support. Supporting details develop the example well. The content in the body paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“ The Lego company is very smart. They made every color of lego and all different sizes and shapes.”) The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“ For example, Construction companies can use them to make designs for houses and office buildings. They can also be used for enjoyment.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and consistent use of transitional devices. The introduction creatively grabs readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ When I am asked what my favorite toy is, one thing pops into my head.”) The introduction ends with a good thesis statement. (“ There is no doubt in my mind that legos are the best toy ever created.”) There are some transitions used throughout the essay. (“Finally, who ever made legos is very smart.”) The conclusion does summarize the content, but it is very brief. (“ To me, when I was young, legos where the best. To this day, I still like playing with them.”) Overall, the organization is effective.

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice, a clear sense of audience, and uses well-structured sentences with some variety. The language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ You can make anything you want to make if you take the time and got the right pieces to make it.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I have a lot of toy but my first brat doll is my favorite toy because it was my first. One reason it is my favorite because I got it on Christmas. Another reason t is my best toy because I love to play with it. Last but not least I like her brown , hair snap on feet and,I like her blue jeans and white shirt.

I got her on Christmas from my dad and I loved my new bratz doll. When I got it about two years ago. I asked him on Christmas eve but he yawned no. I really wanted to know what it was I asked my mom "Do you know what dad got me?" "Yes" she replied.

Her hair shined brown and with a touch of blond. Her shoes snap on she had high heels. Her blue jeans and white shirt go together perfectly. The jeans have a butterfly on the left leg ,and the shirt had a butterfly in the middle. I loved that brat.

It is exciting to play with course I can make halares voices for her. I can also make it move in a silly direction like in a circil. I can make her bowl ,do keraty and more. I like to braid her hair or curl it. I put her in her p.j's because she is a night time girl.

I have a billions of bratz but the first brat doll got was my favorite because she was my first. I got it on Christmas, it’s really pretty and I can play with it all day. That’s why it’s my absolute favorite toy.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea, demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes many parts of the task. The thesis states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. (“ I have a lot of toy but my first brat doll is my favorite toy because it was my first.”) The essay understands the intended audience adequately. Although it could be a little more formal, it is still appropriate for an elementary-level writer. There is some information that doesn’t seem to directly compliment the thesis, but not much. Most of the information augments the main idea.

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. It develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support. The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. The main ideas of the body paragraph support the thesis. The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. At least three details are stated about each main idea. There is very little background information provided. The essay includes facts and statistics, examples, brief narratives, or explanations about each of the main ideas. (“ Her shoes snap on she had high heels. Her blue jeans and white shirt go together perfectly.”) Additional details would help readers visualize the dolls in question and support the arguments.

Organization

The essay uses adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, but there is inconsistent use of paragraphing and inconsistent use of transitional devices. The introduction is not very creative or engaging. (“ I have a lot of toy but my first brat doll is my favorite toy because it was my first.”) Items discussed are properly separated into their own paragraphs. There are few, if any, transitions. Finally, the conclusion provides some closure for the essay, but it is not especially lengthy or involved. (“ That’s why it’s my absolute favorite toy.”) The organization is very basic, but is adequate for an elementary-level writer.

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. Exact and specific words from the research and the prompt task are used adequately. Word choices are sometimes poor, but the majority of the content is appropriately phrased for an elementary-level writer. There are some sentences that are very well structured, and if there were more of these, this essay might have received a higher score. (“ Her hair shined brown and with a touch of blond. Her shoes snap on she had high heels. Her blue jeans and white shirt go together perfectly.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates adequate control of mechanics and conventions. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb, many sentences end with a punctuation mark, many sentences are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and many sentences begin with a capital letter. Sometimes meaning is impaired by poor spelling or word choice, but most of the content does not suffer from this problem. (“ It is exciting to play with course I can make halares voices for her.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

This is a few things about my favorite toy. His name is Triton. He is a teddy bear. Triton came from Wal-Mart. My mom got him for me. He cost five dollars. July 3, 2006, is when I got him. I got him because I asked my mom for him. Happy is how I felt when I got him. One day I saw him on a TV commercial.

Triton lights up in all different kind of clors. He's very soft. His eyes are blue. They blink on and off. Blue and red is the color of his jacket. His jacket has strips too. The stripes on his jacket are red. Blue is the color of the rest of his jacket. His shirt and pants are the same as his jacket.

He is my favorite because he helps me go sleep. When I am sad if I look at him he makes me smile. I think he is cool.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience and completes only some parts of the task. It starts with an oddly phrased sentence that doesn’t tell us much about the prompt. (“ This is a few things about my favorite toy.”) The author should avoid stating what the essay is going to be about and instead begin the essay right away. The author states the thesis in several brief sentences. (“His name is Triton. He is a teddy bear. Triton came from Wal-Mart. My mom got him for me.”) The author does not provide us with much of an idea of what to expect from the rest of the essay.

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. It develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support ideas. The essay includes limited details to illustrate the main ideas. The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“Triton lights up in all different kind of clors. He's very soft. His eyes are blue.”) Additional details would be helpful. Instead, the author provides only the most basic information about the toy and does not relate these details to the thesis adequately.

Organization

There is limited organization in the essay. There is evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. The essay lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices. There is some attempt to provide an introduction, body, and conclusion, but the paragraphs contain very little organization. The conclusion attempts to provide some closure, but it does not provide an adequate summary or give readers something new to consider. (“He is my favorite because he helps me go sleep. When I am sad if I look at him he makes me smile. I think he is cool.”) There is no attempt made to provide structure or good organization within the body of the essay, and there are no transitions.

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates simple language and word choice and some awareness of audience and control of voice. Sentence lengths are short . (“ His eyes are blue. They blink on and off.”) There is repetition, tra nsitions are needed, and the style is not sufficiently formal. (“ I think he is cool.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. The author should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. The response contains a few spelling mistakes, but overall its low score has more to do with a lack of content rather than mechanical errors. (“ Triton lights up in all different kind of clors.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

I have a baby doll. She is my favorite toy! I have had her ever since I was a little girl. We hav nevar been separated from one another for a very long time. When I was little I use to drag her around every where I went! Then when I got sad I would tell everything! When I evar had anyone to play with I would get her!

Ever since then I have left her in great care, and still do some of the stuff I Have listed above!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. The writer suggests a controlling idea but demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and completes few parts of the task. The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay does seem to have a thesis, but it is very basic and does not indicate what the essay is really about beyond what toy is his or her favorite. (“ I have a baby doll. She is my favorite toy!”) The writing style is not always appropriate for the audience.

Content & Development

The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support. There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. Each main idea should be written as topic sentence in its own body paragraph. Important details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“ When I evar had anyone to play with I would get her!”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. The essay isn’t very creative or engaging, there are no transitions, and there is no conclusion. The essay demonstrates little evidence of a good introduction. It does contain a thesis, but it is very brief and provides very little background information about the toy. (“ I have a baby doll. She is my favorite toy!”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience and makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ I have a baby doll. She is my favorite toy!”) Transitions are needed. The style is not formal. The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. The author does not end each sentence with a punctuation mark or begin each sentence with a capital letter. Mistakes that are present sometimes interfere with the message. In this case, readers should be able to infer the overall meaning. (“When I evar had anyone to play with I would get her!”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The N64 has a limit of four players that can play at a time The paddles have three handles a joystick an arrow pad Cdown Cleft Cright and Cup buttons, a start button, A and B buttons an r button and an l and a z button.It is not a very new game system, but it has some of the best games ever on it. And that is Why I love my N64.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer fails to establish a controlling idea, demonstrates no understanding of purpose and audience, and completes no parts of the task. T he essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The toy may or may not mean anything depending on the readers. Some readers may not know what a N64 is. There are some contextual clues, but more information is required. There is no thesis statement, but it is somewhat on topic. (“ The N64 has a limit of four players that can play at a time”) The author should begin the essay with more background information about the toy. In general, the tone is inappropriate for any audience.

Content & Development

The writer fails to develop ideas and uses no details for support. Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Ideas presented are very unclear and underdeveloped. (“ The paddles have three handles a joystick an arrow pad Cdown Cleft Cright and Cup buttons, a start button, A and B buttons an r button and an l and a z button.”) Again, the author needs to include background information for uninitiated readers.

Organization

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion and no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices. There is little or no attempt to organize any of the information. It has no thesis, paragraphing, or transitions. It has no clear introduction, and the conclusion is barely present. (“And that is Why I love my N64.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. Sentence lengths are short. Transitions are needed . The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. Many sentences have little control over word choice. The result is a very confusing style. (“ The paddles have three handles a joystick an arrow pad Cdown Cleft Cright and Cup buttons, a start button, A and B buttons an r button and an l and a z button.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the message. The text is not indented when beginning a new paragraph, and each sentence does not begin with a capital letter. The mistakes in this response are so numerous that the essay is barely readable. The author needs to concentrate on proper period and comma usage. (“ The paddles have three handles a joystick an arrow pad Cdown Cleft Cright and Cup buttons, a start button, A and B buttons an r button and an l and a z button.”)

Handling a Bully

Almost everyone has had to deal with a situation involving a bully. School districts, teachers, and parents have become more aware of the amount of bullying that occurs and the effect it has on students. What are different ways that a bullying situation can be handled? When do parents and teachers need to get involved?

In a well-developed essay, discuss different ways that bullying situations at school can be handled. Include facts, details, and examples to support your discussion.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Bullying has become a big problem today in our society. These bullies are not kind or loving at all to others. People today bully for different reasons, which are not important reasons. Today, people bully everywhere like school or even in just in our society today. People who bully may think that they will fit in or be popular. Situations of bullying can come to be very bad and if an adult is not aware of this, this situation may get worse. If you are ever being bullied, you must try to get an adult involved, so that they can put an end to it. They do not think of how that person might feel about being bullied by someone they do not know at all. These things can be minor problems, and then turn out to be major problems.

The biggest place of bullying is happening at school. Bullies may think that they have to bully to get something they want. Some bullies just want something from another person and may just steal from them. The main reasons that people bully are to be popular and fit in with everyone else. If this ever happens to you at school, you must get an adult involved, such as a parent, your counselor, a teacher, and maybe even your principal. If they get involved, this bullying will stop and you will not have to worry anymore about going to recess and getting bullied, but it can start out very small, and then it may turn out to be a really big problem for you and the student that you are bullying. There are different situations where you might be the bully, or you are the person being bullied. These small things can be handled in a well-mannered way. If these things are not being handled well, you may have to get a counselor or teacher involved.

At school, you may see someone getting bullied. I think you should stand up for that person. Think of the person who is getting bullied. How do you think they feel? I suggest that you tell the bully to stop or I will get someone involved in this. If they will not stop, you should definitely get an adult involved. You may think that you are not being bullied, but sometimes we are and we don't realize it. Bullying counts as name calling, being laughed at, harassing, and even gossiping. These small things can lead you to being a bully. Another way this can be handled is to tell your counselor to talk to the bully and they may stop after being talked to. Your counselor would be more than happy to talk them out of bullying. These things have different effects on kids. Some kids may think it is funny or cool to be bullied, but others may think it is just wrong. Bullies do these things for no reason, and I do not understand why they do it.

Bullying may not just occur at school. It may happen in your neighborhood or maybe even you family members. If your neighborhood has a person who bullies you, you have a problem. This may not happen to everyone, but if it does, you need to contact an adult. There are people, which are bullies who do this for non-important ways. They do it to be known, or some think that it might be fun. These things can lead to very bad habits and may be your reputation. You don't want your reputation to be cruel, mean, and rude. If you bully, that's what your reputation might be. Bullying is wrong and I don't know why kids do it. Even the smallest things can be taken as harassment or just rude comments. People do this for no reason.

Things like this have gotten worse. I have heard that people have been changing things about them, so that they will not get bullied. One little girl had gotten her ears flattened out because everyone at her school made fun of her ears because they curved in. This little girl's situation had gone way too far.

Bullying has become a large problem in our world today. There are bullies at school, and maybe even where you live. Bullying is something that you have to look away from. If someone is getting bullied, then you should tell that bully to stop. If you are ever thinking of picking on someone or bullying, then tell yourself no. You just have to think how you would feel if you were being bullied or purposely being laughed at. Sometimes it gets very bad, and adults have to get involved. This behavior can be stopped and no one will have to worry about being bullied if everyone would try to be respectful.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective use of focus and meaning is conveyed in this model essay. It establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea, demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, completes all parts of the task, and may go beyond the limits of the task.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by very effectively using an interesting statement or a question at the beginning of the introduction. (“ Bullying has become a big problem today in our society. These bullies are not kind or loving at all to others. People today bully for different reasons, which are not important reasons. Today, people bully everywhere like school or even in just in our society today. People who bully may think that they will fit in or be popular. Situations of bullying can come to be very bad and if an adult is not aware of this, this situation may get worse. If you are ever being bullied, you must try to get an adult involved, so that they can put an end to it. They do not think of how that person might feel about being bullied by someone they do not know at all. These things can be minor problems, and then turn out to be major problems.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central or controlling idea very effectively. (“ Bullying may not just occur at school. It may happen in your neighborhood or maybe even you family members. If your neighborhood has a person who bullies you, you have a problem. This may not happen to everyone, but if it does, you need to contact an adult. There are people, which are bullies who do this for non-important ways. They do it to be known, or some think that it might be fun. These things can lead to very bad habits and may be your reputation. You don't want your reputation to be cruel, mean, and rude. If you bully, that's what your reputation might be. Bullying is wrong and I don't know why kids do it. Even the smallest things can be taken as harassment or just rude comments. People do this for no reason.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with details about how to handle a bully. (“ At school, you may see someone getting bullied. I think you should stand up for that person. Think of the person who is getting bullied. How do you think they feel? I suggest that you tell the bully to stop or I will get someone involved in this. If they will not stop, you should definitely get an adult involved.”)

Content & Development

This essay is comprised of very effective content and development. Ideas are developed fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details as support.

Relevant points explain and illustrate how to handle a bully very effectively. (“The biggest place of bullying is happening at school. Bullies may think that they have to bully to get something they want. Some bullies just want something from another person and may just steal from them. The main reasons that people bully are to be popular and fit in with everyone else. If this ever happens to you at school, you must get an adult involved, such as a parent, your counselor, a teacher, and maybe even your principal. If they get involved, this bullying will stop and you will not have to worry anymore about going to recess and getting bullied, but it can start out very small, and then it may turn out to be a really big problem for you and the student that you are bullying. There are different situations where you might be the bully, or you are the person being bullied. These small things can be handled in a well-mannered way. If these things are not being handled well, you may have to get a counselor or teacher involved.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (“Bullying may not just occur at school. It may happen in your neighborhood or maybe even you family members. If your neighborhood has a person who bullies you, you have a problem. This may not happen to everyone, but if it does, you need to contact an adult. There are people, which are bullies who do this for non-important ways. They do it to be known, or some think that it might be fun. These things can lead to very bad habits and may be your reputation. You don't want your reputation to be cruel, mean, and rude. If you bully, that's what your reputation might be. Bullying is wrong and I don't know why kids do it. Even the smallest things can be taken as harassment or just rude comments. People do this for no reason.”)

Specific information about how to handle a bully is developed very effectively. (“At school, you may see someone getting bullied. I think you should stand up for that person. Think of the person who is getting bullied. How do you think they feel? I suggest that you tell the bully to stop or I will get someone involved in this. If they will not stop, you should definitely get an adult involved. You may think that you are not being bullied, but sometimes we are and we don't realize it. Bullying counts as name calling, being laughed at, harassing, and even gossiping. These small things can lead you to being a bully. Another way this can be handled is to tell your counselor to talk to the bully and they may stop after being talked to. Your counselor would be more than happy to talk them out of bullying. These things have different effects on kids. Some kids may think it is funny or cool to be bullied, but others may think it is just wrong. Bullies do these things for no reason, and I do not understand why they do it.”)

Organization

Very effective organization is evident to readers of this essay. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, as well as effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout.

The introduction includes very effective background information about the topic. (“ Bullying has become a big problem today in our society. These bullies are not kind or loving at all to others. People today bully for different reasons, which are not important reasons. Today, people bully everywhere like school or even in just in our society today. People who bully may think that they will fit in or be popular. Situations of bullying can come to be very bad and if an adult is not aware of this, this situation may get worse. If you are ever being bullied, you must try to get an adult involved, so that they can put an end to it. They do not think of how that person might feel about being bullied by someone they do not know at all. These things can be minor problems, and then turn out to be major problems.”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion. (“ Bullying has become a large problem in our world today. There are bullies at school, and maybe even where you live. Bullying is something that you have to look away from. If someone is getting bullied, then you should tell that bully to stop. If you are ever thinking of picking on someone or bullying, then tell yourself no. You just have to think how you would feel if you were being bullied or purposely being laughed at. Sometimes it gets very bad, and adults have to get involved. This behavior can be stopped and no one will have to worry about being bullied if everyone would try to be respectful.”)

The conclusion very effectively teaches readers a lesson the writer learned after completing the essay. (“ Bullying has become a large problem in our world today. There are bullies at school, and maybe even where you live. Bullying is something that you have to look away from. If someone is getting bullied, then you should tell that bully to stop. If you are ever thinking of picking on someone or bullying, then tell yourself no. You just have to think how you would feel if you were being bullied or purposely being laughed at. Sometimes it gets very bad, and adults have to get involved. This behavior can be stopped and no one will have to worry about being bullied if everyone would try to be respectful.”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent throughout. (“ At school, you may see someone getting bullied. I think you should stand up for that person. Think of the person who is getting bullied. How do you think they feel? I suggest that you tell the bully to stop or I will get someone involved in this. If they will not stop, you should definitely get an adult involved. You may think that you are not being bullied, but sometimes we are and we don't realize it.”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers can thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the last two body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ At school, you may see someone getting bullied. I think you should stand up for that person. Think of the person who is getting bullied. How do you think they feel? I suggest that you tell the bully to stop or I will get someone involved in this. If they will not stop, you should definitely get an adult involved. You may think that you are not being bullied, but sometimes we are and we don't realize it. Bullying counts as name calling, being laughed at, harassing, and even gossiping. These small things can lead you to being a bully. Another way this can be handled is to tell your counselor to talk to the bully and they may stop after being talked to. Your counselor would be more than happy to talk them out of bullying. These things have different effects on kids. Some kids may think it is funny or cool to be bullied, but others may think it is just wrong. Bullies do these things for no reason, and I do not understand why they do it. …Bullying may not just occur at school. It may happen in your neighborhood or maybe even you family members. If your neighborhood has a person who bullies you, you have a problem. This may not happen to everyone, but if it does, you need to contact an adult. There are people, which are bullies who do this for non-important ways. They do it to be known, or some think that it might be fun. These things can lead to very bad habits and may be your reputation. You don't want your reputation to be cruel, mean, and rude. If you bully, that's what your reputation might be. Bullying is wrong and I don't know why kids do it. Even the smallest things can be taken as harassment or just rude comments. People do this for no reason.”)

The following compound sentence is used effectively: “ Some kids may think it is funny or cool to be bullied, but others may think it is just wrong.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions. Few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are present. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ If your neighborhood has a person who bullies you, you have a problem. This may not happen to everyone, but if it does, you need to contact an adult.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In school almost everyone has had to deal with a bully. Recently, teachers and parents have been told about this and are helping and dealing with this problem. They are aware of this situation and are trying to prevent kids being bullied. Bullying should be stopped, especially in schools. With bullying gone it will be one less problem to deal with.

In my opinion, there should be a rule that bullying is not aloud. Sometimes when someone sees another person bullying someone else, they might think that it is cool and that it is okay, so they might do it to others and it can go on and on. To prevent this I suggest that when one sees another person bullying someone they know or not to tell a duty if it is happening during recess, or a teacher or parent or the Principle, who was doing the bullying, the person who was being bullied, and where it was happening. If they tell all of this information, they will be able to find where it was happening and find the people and deal with it.

Another way to deal with this situation is you can ask the person that is being bullied if they can have a word with you. Then tell the person who is bullying that they will be right back and to stay where they are. When you ''go have a word'' with them you go tell a parent, teacher, duty, or your guardian what was happening and where the bully is, and then they will go to the bully and deal with the situation.

A way to prevent bullying is to ask your teacher if they can have a talk with the class about bullying. They should tell the class that it is not a good thing to do and if they do it they will have to go through the consequences, and maybe even tell the class a few of the consequences. That will hopefully give them the idea of what will happen if they do it and it is not a very good thing to do.

If none of these ideas work, (which they should), then ask a teacher about what you should do about it. In my opinion these are good ideas and should work. Bullying is not nice and doesn't make a good impression to others. You should never bully and try to avoid being bullied. I hope bullying will be put to a stop soon. When it does this world will be a better place.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are evident to readers of this essay. It establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience, completing most parts of the task.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by using an interesting statement or a question at the beginning of the introduction. (“ In school almost everyone has had to deal with a bully. Recently, teachers and parents have been told about this and are helping and dealing with this problem. They are aware of this situation and are trying to prevent kids being bullied. Bullying should be stopped, especially in schools. With bullying gone it will be one less problem to deal with.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central or controlling idea. (“ Another way to deal with this situation is you can ask the person that is being bullied if they can have a word with you and tell the person who is bullying that they will be right back and to stay where they are. When you ‘go have a word’ with them you go tell a parent, teacher, duty, or your guardian what was happening and where the bully is, and then they will go to the bully and deal with the situation.”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about ways to handle or prevent bullying. (“ A way to prevent bullying is to ask your teacher if they can have a talk with the class about bullying and that it is not a good thing to do and if they do it they will have to go through the consequences, and maybe even tell the class a few of the consequences. That will hopefully give them the idea of what will happen if they do it and it is not a very good thing to do.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides good content and development in this essay. Ideas are developed clearly, using sufficient, appropriate details for support.

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“A way to prevent bullying is to ask your teacher if they can have a talk with the class about bullying. They should tell the class that it is not a good thing to do and if they do it they will have to go through the consequences, and maybe even tell the class a few of the consequences. That will hopefully give them the idea of what will happen if they do it and it is not a very good thing to do.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“Another way to deal with this situation is you can ask the person that is being bullied if they can have a word with you. Then tell the person who is bullying that they will be right back and to stay where they are. When you ‘go have a word’ with them you go tell a parent, teacher, duty, or your guardian what was happening and where the bully is, and then they will go to the bully and deal with the situation.”)

Specific information about methods for handling bullies is developed clearly. (“In my opinion, there should be a rule that bullying is not aloud. Sometimes when someone sees another person bullying someone else, they might think that it is cool and that it is okay, so they might do it to others and it can go on and on. To prevent this I suggest that when one sees another person bullying someone they know or not to tell a duty if it is happening during recess, or a teacher or parent or the Principle, who was doing the bullying, the person who was being bullied, and where it was happening. If they tell all of this information, they will be able to find where it was happening and find the people and deal with it.”)

Organization

Good organization is shown throughout the essay. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and consistent use of transitional devices.

The essay has a n effective introduction. (“ In school almost everyone has had to deal with a bully. Recently, teachers and parents have been told about this and are helping and dealing with this problem. They are aware of this situation and are trying to prevent kids being bullied. Bullying should be stopped, especially in schools. With bullying gone it will be one less problem to deal with.”)

The introduction includes adequate background information about the topic. (“ In school almost everyone has had to deal with a bully. Recently, teachers and parents have been told about this and are helping and dealing with this problem. They are aware of this situation and are trying to prevent kids being bullied. Bullying should be stopped, especially in schools. With bullying gone it will be one less problem to deal with.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ In my opinion, there should be a rule that bullying is not aloud. …Another way to deal with this situation is you can ask the person that is being bullied if they can have a word with you.”)

The conclusion effectively connects the information in the essay with something that is happening in the world. (“ If none of these ideas work, [which they should], then ask a teacher about what you should do about it. In my opinion these are good ideas and should work. Bullying is not nice and doesn't make a good impression to others. You should never bully and try to avoid being bullied. I hope bullying will be put to a stop soon. When it does this world will be a better place.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style throughout the essay is good. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. Well-structured sentences with some variety are also present in the essay.

The language and informative tone are consistent throughout. (“ If none of these ideas work, [which they should], then ask a teacher about what you should do about it. In my opinion these are good ideas and should work. Bullying is not nice and doesn't make a good impression to others. You should never bully and try to avoid being bullied. I hope bullying will be put to a stop soon. When it does this world will be a better place.”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers can thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the first two body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ In my opinion, there should be a rule that bullying is not aloud. Sometimes when someone sees another person bullying someone else, they might think that it is cool and that it is okay, so they might do it to others and it can go on and on. To prevent this I suggest that when one sees another person bullying someone they know or not to tell a duty if it is happening during recess, or a teacher or parent or the Principle, who was doing the bullying, the person who was being bullied, and where it was happening. If they tell all of this information, they will be able to find where it was happening and find the people and deal with it. …Another way to deal with this situation is you can ask the person that is being bullied if they can have a word with you. Then tell the person who is bullying that they will be right back and to stay where they are. When you ‘go have a word’ with them you go tell a parent, teacher, duty, or your guardian what was happening and where the bully is, and then they will go to the bully and deal with the situation.”)

The following complex sentence is used effectively: “ Bullying should be stopped, especially in schools.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay exhibits good control of mechanics and conventions. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, and any that are present do not interfere with the message. For example, m ost sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with an appropriate punctuation mark. (“ If none of these ideas work, [which they should], then ask a teacher about what you should do about it. In my opinion these are good ideas and should work. Bullying is not nice and doesn't make a good impression to others. You should never bully and try to avoid being bullied. I hope bullying will be put to a stop soon. When it does this world will be a better place.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever been bullied before, and you didn't know how to Handel it? you are in luck because I am going to write about how to stop bullying the proper way. Let's get started! If you get bullied in school, you have so many responsible people to go to. For example, if you are being bullied during recces go to an adult, and tell them what happened. Don't ever think you can Handel it on your own. I, promise you they will take care of everything.

Now, it you do tell an adult, but the bully keeps on doing it to you, and now he or she bullies other kids as well, that's when you tell your parents. Then your parents will go to the principal. Maybe he or she will call the bully's parents. What if the principlal talked with the parents, and the bully keeps on bothering you like crazy, you have to be very strong, and have the courage to stand up to the bully.

If you get nervous to stand up to him or her, then you can go with a group of friends. But you have to approach at the right time. Don't approach them if they are in a hurry because they are late for class, and don't approach them is they are with a huge group of thier friends. You should approach them before or after school. When they are alone you approach in a proper way. Don't look mad or don't clutch your fists at them. When you finally get to talk to them always use "I" language.

Always keep your patients no matter what they do. Also let them know how you feel when they bully you. Let them know that they are hurting you, and that they are hurting themselves. Always remember one thing don't ever sink to there level of disrespect, try to make peace with them. Hopefully, I gave you good advice on how to take care of a bully. And hopefully this will never happen to you.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides adequate focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea and demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience, thereby completing many parts of the task.

The thesis states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. (“Have you ever been bullied before, and you didn't know how to Handel it? you are in luck because I am going to write about how to stop bullying the proper way. Let's get started! If you get bullied in school, you have so many responsible people to go to. For example, if you are being bullied during recces go to an adult, and tell them what happened. Don't ever think you can Handel it on your own. I, promise you they will take care of everything.”)

The essay understands the intended audience adequately. (“Have you ever been bullied before, and you didn't know how to Handel it? you are in luck because I am going to write about how to stop bullying the proper way. Let's get started! If you get bullied in school, you have so many responsible people to go to. For example, if you are being bullied during recces go to an adult, and tell them what happened. Don't ever think you can Handel it on your own. I, promise you they will take care of everything.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“ Always keep your patients no matter what they do. Also let them know how you feel when they bully you. Let them know that they are hurting you, and that they are hurting themselves.”)

Content & Development

This essay exhibits adequate content and development of ideas. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support.

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Now, it you do tell an adult, but the bully keeps on doing it to you, and now he or she bullies other kids as well, that's when you tell your parents. Then your parents will go to the principal. Maybe he or she will call the bully's parents. What if the principlal talked with the parents, and the bully keeps on bothering you like crazy, you have to be very strong, and have the courage to stand up to the bully.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. At least three details are stated about each main idea. (“If you get nervous to stand up to him or her, then you can go with a group of friends. But you have to approach at the right time. Don't approach them if they are in a hurry because they are late for class, and don't approach them is they are with a huge group of thier friends. You should approach them before or after school. When they are alone you approach in a proper way. Don't look mad or don't clutch your fists at them. When you finally get to talk to them always use ‘I’ language.”)

The essay includes facts, statistics, examples, brief narratives, or explanations about each of the main ideas. (“If you get nervous to stand up to him or her, then you can go with a group of friends. But you have to approach at the right time. Don't approach them if they are in a hurry because they are late for class, and don't approach them is they are with a huge group of thier friends. You should approach them before or after school. When they are alone you approach in a proper way. Don't look mad or don't clutch your fists at them. When you finally get to talk to them always use ‘I’ language.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates adequate organization. There is a generally unified structure, with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, yet inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ Have you ever been bullied before, and you didn't know how to Handel it? you are in luck because I am going to write about how to stop bullying the proper way. Let's get started! If you get bullied in school, you have so many responsible people to go to. For example, if you are being bullied during recces go to an adult, and tell them what happened. Don't ever think you can Handel it on your own. I, promise you they will take care of everything.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. (“ Now, it you do tell an adult, but the bully keeps on doing it to you, and now he or she bullies other kids as well, that's when you tell your parents. … Hopefully, I gave you good advice on how to take care of a bully. And hopefully this will never happen to you.”)

The conclusion adequately teaches readers a lesson. (“ Always keep your patients no matter what they do. Also let them know how you feel when they bully you. Let them know that they are hurting you, and that they are hurting themselves. Always remember one thing don't ever sink to there level of disrespect, try to make peace with them. Hopefully, I gave you good advice on how to take care of a bully. And hopefully this will never happen to you.”)

Language Use & Style

Adequate use of language and style is found in this essay. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, an awareness of audience and control of voice, and correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ Always keep your patients no matter what they do. Also let them know how you feel when they bully you. Let them know that they are hurting you, and that they are hurting themselves. Always remember one thing don't ever sink to there level of disrespect, try to make peace with them. Hopefully, I gave you good advice on how to take care of a bully. And hopefully this will never happen to you.”)

Exact and specific words, such as “handle” and “parents” from the research and the prompt task, are used adequately. (“ Have you ever been bullied before, and you didn't know how to Handel it? …Now, it you do tell an adult, but the bully keeps on doing it to you, and now he or she bullies other kids as well, that's when you tell your parents.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor, as the verb “approach” is repeated multiple times in the following excerpt: “ But you have to approach at the right time. Don't approach them if they are in a hurry because they are late for class, and don't approach them is they are with a huge group of thier friends. You should approach them before or after school. When they are alone you approach in a proper way.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates adequate control of mechanics and conventions in this essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, m any sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ Now, it you do tell an adult, but the bully keeps on doing it to you, and now he or she bullies other kids as well, that's when you tell your parents. Then your parents will go to the principal. Maybe he or she will call the bully's parents. What if the principlal talked with the parents, and the bully keeps on bothering you like crazy, you have to be very strong, and have the courage to stand up to the bully.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Well, in my opinion I think that bulling is not right, but on the other hand a little name calling here and there is under stand able because kids will be kids and not everyone you meet is going to like you. Bu if there is going to be any physical violence that's were I draw the line.

I can tolerate being called names and people with a tone of voice that is mean, or rude, but if it goes even one fifth past that I would go talk to someone weather it would be your mom, dad, Aunt, Uncle, grandma, grandpa or any one you can trust to help get out of trouble with the bully. You could even tell your teacher, and it is probably more of a good idea to tell an adult instead of just a friend.

If you tell a friend you wont get the help that you need. But if you tell an adult you are most likely to get the help that you need and stop the bully from picking on you and or your friends.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay conveys limited focus and meaning. Although the writer establishes a controlling idea, little understanding of the purpose and audience is demonstrated. In all, the essay completes only some parts of the task.

The essay states a limited central or controlling idea. (“Well, in my opinion I think that bulling is not right, but on the other hand a little name calling here and there is under stand able because kids will be kids and not everyone you meet is going to like you. Bu if there is going to be any physical violence that's were I draw the line.”)

In the introduction, only a limited point of view or argument of the essay is stated. (“Well, in my opinion I think that bulling is not right, but on the other hand a little name calling here and there is under stand able because kids will be kids and not everyone you meet is going to like you. Bu if there is going to be any physical violence that's were I draw the line.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“I can tolerate being called names and people with a tone of voice that is mean, or rude, but if it goes even one fifth past that I would go talk to someone weather it would be your mom, dad, Aunt, Uncle, grandma, grandpa or any one you can trust to help get out of trouble with the bully. You could even tell your teacher, and it is probably more of a good idea to tell an adult instead of just a friend.”)

Content & Development

The essay features limited content and development. Ideas are developed briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support.

Limited details are used to illustrate the main ideas. (“I can tolerate being called names and people with a tone of voice that is mean, or rude, but if it goes even one fifth past that I would go talk to someone weather it would be your mom, dad, Aunt, Uncle, grandma, grandpa or any one you can trust to help get out of trouble with the bully. You could even tell your teacher, and it is probably more of a good idea to tell an adult instead of just a friend. …If you tell a friend you wont get the help that you need. But if you tell an adult you are most likely to get the help that you need and stop the bully from picking on you and or your friends.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. (“I can tolerate being called names and people with a tone of voice that is mean, or rude, but if it goes even one fifth past that I would go talk to someone weather it would be your mom, dad, Aunt, Uncle, grandma, grandpa or any one you can trust to help get out of trouble with the bully. You could even tell your teacher, and it is probably more of a good idea to tell an adult instead of just a friend.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“I can tolerate being called names and people with a tone of voice that is mean, or rude, but if it goes even one fifth past that I would go talk to someone weather it would be your mom, dad, Aunt, Uncle, grandma, grandpa or any one you can trust to help get out of trouble with the bully. You could even tell your teacher, and it is probably more of a good idea to tell an adult instead of just a friend.”)

Organization

Limited organization is apparent when reading the essay. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, and furthermore, it lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices.

The introduction attempts to include a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ Well, in my opinion I think that bulling is not right, but on the other hand a little name calling here and there is under stand able because kids will be kids and not everyone you meet is going to like you. Bu if there is going to be any physical violence that's were I draw the line.”)

There is some evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ Bu if there is going to be any physical violence that's were I draw the line. …But if you tell an adult you are most likely to get the help that you need and stop the bully from picking on you and or your friends.”)

The conclusion attempts to teach readers a lesson. (“ If you tell a friend you wont get the help that you need. But if you tell an adult you are most likely to get the help that you need and stop the bully from picking on you and or your friends.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in the essay is limited. The writing demonstrates simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and a reliance on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ I can tolerate being called names and people with a tone of voice that is mean, or rude, but if it goes even one fifth past that I would go talk to someone weather it would be your mom, dad, Aunt, Uncle, grandma, grandpa or any one you can trust to help get out of trouble with the bully.”)

There is repetition, as the verb “tell” is used repeatedly. (“ You could even tell your teacher, and it is probably more of a good idea to tell an adult instead of just a friend. …If you tell a friend you wont get the help that you need. But if you tell an adult you are most likely to get the help that you need and stop the bully from picking on you and or your friends.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“ Well, in my opinion I think that bulling is not right, but on the other hand a little name calling here and there is under stand able because kids will be kids and not everyone you meet is going to like you. Bu if there is going to be any physical violence that's were I draw the line.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There appears to be limited control of mechanics and conventions in the essay. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer should, but does not always, make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“Well, in my opinion I think that bulling is not right, but on the other hand a little name calling here and there is under stand able because kids will be kids and not everyone you meet is going to like you. Bu if there is going to be any physical violence that's were I draw the line.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

I think the when people bully other ti makes a big inpacton then because they cant help it if there cloths are big or if they are bigger than another does not mean we can bully other people. And i think that it is a good idea that teachers are more aware for bullying. And if it is a serious case then we need to just tell an adult and stop it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There seems to be minimal focus and meaning in this essay. Although a controlling idea is suggested, the essay demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience. Few parts of the task are completed.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“I think the when people bully other ti makes a big inpacton then because they cant help it if there cloths are big or if they are bigger than another does not mean we can bully other people. And i think that it is a good idea that teachers are more aware for bullying. And if it is a serious case then we need to just tell an adult and stop it.”)

The essay does not state the central or controlling idea. (“I think the when people bully other ti makes a big inpacton then because they cant help it if there cloths are big or if they are bigger than another does not mean we can bully other people. And i think that it is a good idea that teachers are more aware for bullying. And if it is a serious case then we need to just tell an adult and stop it.”)

In the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is not stated. (“I think the when people bully other ti makes a big inpacton then because they cant help it if there cloths are big or if they are bigger than another does not mean we can bully other people. And i think that it is a good idea that teachers are more aware for bullying. And if it is a serious case then we need to just tell an adult and stop it.”)

Content & Development

The essay consists of minimal content and development of ideas. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details as support.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. (“I think the when people bully other ti makes a big inpacton then because they cant help it if there cloths are big or if they are bigger than another does not mean we can bully other people. And i think that it is a good idea that teachers are more aware for bullying. And if it is a serious case then we need to just tell an adult and stop it.”)

The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“I think the when people bully other ti makes a big inpacton then because they cant help it if there cloths are big or if they are bigger than another does not mean we can bully other people. And i think that it is a good idea that teachers are more aware for bullying. And if it is a serious case then we need to just tell an adult and stop it.”)

Details are minimally used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“I think the when people bully other ti makes a big inpacton then because they cant help it if there cloths are big or if they are bigger than another does not mean we can bully other people. And i think that it is a good idea that teachers are more aware for bullying. And if it is a serious case then we need to just tell an adult and stop it.”)

Organization

Minimal organization is evident to readers. The essay demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion, as well as little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of a good introduction. (“I think the when people bully other ti makes a big inpacton then because they cant help it if there cloths are big or if they are bigger than another does not mean we can bully other people. And i think that it is a good idea that teachers are more aware for bullying. And if it is a serious case then we need to just tell an adult and stop it.”)

The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“I think the when people bully other ti makes a big inpacton then because they cant help it if there cloths are big or if they are bigger than another does not mean we can bully other people. And i think that it is a good idea that teachers are more aware for bullying. And if it is a serious case then we need to just tell an adult and stop it.”)

There is little evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“I think the when people bully other ti makes a big inpacton then because they cant help it if there cloths are big or if they are bigger than another does not mean we can bully other people. And i think that it is a good idea that teachers are more aware for bullying. And if it is a serious case then we need to just tell an adult and stop it.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in the essay is minimal at best. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience; basic errors in sentence structure and usage are also present.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“I think the when people bully other ti makes a big inpacton then because they cant help it if there cloths are big or if they are bigger than another does not mean we can bully other people.”)

There is repetition, as two consecutive sentences in the essay begin with “I think.” (“I think the when people bully other ti makes a big inpacton then because they cant help it if there cloths are big or if they are bigger than another does not mean we can bully other people. And i think that it is a good idea that teachers are more aware for bullying.”)

The essay should include more varied and appropriate transitions. (“I think the when people bully other ti makes a big inpacton then because they cant help it if there cloths are big or if they are bigger than another does not mean we can bully other people. And i think that it is a good idea that teachers are more aware for bullying. And if it is a serious case then we need to just tell an adult and stop it.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay shows minimal control of the mechanics and conventions of formal writing. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“I think the when people bully other ti makes a big inpacton then because they cant help it if there cloths are big or if they are bigger than another does not mean we can bully other people.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

bully's they will make you feal ofile. like you are useless. but you are not useless. here is a story that will make you feal good about your self. one day a boy named bob. bob was bullied cuz of his name. by a boy named drake. drake made fun of bobs name every day.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Focus and meaning within this essay are inadequate. The writer fails to establish a controlling idea, demonstrates no understanding of purpose and audience, and completes no parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“bully's they will make you feal ofile. like you are useless. but you are not useless. here is a story that will make you feal good about your self. one day a boy named bob. bob was bullied cuz of his name. by a boy named drake. drake made fun of bobs name every day.”)

The essay does not state the central or controlling idea. (“bully's they will make you feal ofile. like you are useless. but you are not useless. here is a story that will make you feal good about your self. one day a boy named bob. bob was bullied cuz of his name. by a boy named drake. drake made fun of bobs name every day.”)

In the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is not stated. (“bully's they will make you feal ofile. like you are useless. but you are not useless. here is a story that will make you feal good about your self. one day a boy named bob. bob was bullied cuz of his name. by a boy named drake. drake made fun of bobs name every day.”)

Content & Development

The essay contains inadequate or no content and development. It fails to develop ideas, using no details for support.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central or controlling idea of the essay. (“bully's they will make you feal ofile. like you are useless. but you are not useless. here is a story that will make you feal good about your self. one day a boy named bob. bob was bullied cuz of his name. by a boy named drake. drake made fun of bobs name every day.”)

At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. (“bully's they will make you feal ofile. like you are useless. but you are not useless. here is a story that will make you feal good about your self. one day a boy named bob. bob was bullied cuz of his name. by a boy named drake. drake made fun of bobs name every day.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“bully's they will make you feal ofile. like you are useless. but you are not useless. here is a story that will make you feal good about your self. one day a boy named bob. bob was bullied cuz of his name. by a boy named drake. drake made fun of bobs name every day.”)

Organization

There is inadequate or no organization in this essay. It demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion, and no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a good introduction. (“bully's they will make you feal ofile. like you are useless. but you are not useless. here is a story that will make you feal good about your self. one day a boy named bob. bob was bullied cuz of his name. by a boy named drake. drake made fun of bobs name every day.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“bully's they will make you feal ofile. like you are useless. but you are not useless. here is a story that will make you feal good about your self. one day a boy named bob. bob was bullied cuz of his name. by a boy named drake. drake made fun of bobs name every day.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“bully's they will make you feal ofile. like you are useless. but you are not useless. here is a story that will make you feal good about your self. one day a boy named bob. bob was bullied cuz of his name. by a boy named drake. drake made fun of bobs name every day.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay’s use of language and style is clearly inadequate. It demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentence lengths are short. (“bully's they will make you feal ofile. like you are useless. but you are not useless. here is a story that will make you feal good about your self.”)

Transitions are needed. (“bully's they will make you feal ofile. like you are useless. but you are not useless. here is a story that will make you feal good about your self. one day a boy named bob. bob was bullied cuz of his name. by a boy named drake. drake made fun of bobs name every day.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“bully's they will make you feal ofile. like you are useless. but you are not useless. here is a story that will make you feal good about your self. one day a boy named bob. bob was bullied cuz of his name. by a boy named drake. drake made fun of bobs name every day.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates inadequate or no control of mechanics and conventions. Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“here is a story that will make you feal good about your self. one day a boy named bob. bob was bullied cuz of his name. by a boy named drake. drake made fun of bobs name every day.”)

How Can You Help Our World?

Each and every person is responsible for looking after our world. Think about how you could help protect our environment, such as the air, water, plant life, or wildlife.

Write a multi-paragraph essay describing how you could take better care of our world. Make sure to use specific examples and details to support your response.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Gross! Look at that water! It's disgusting! If you're wondering how it got that way, look all around you. You will see many causes of all different types of pollution. All of this pollution can be helped if people would just care more about the environment.

Though there are many other types of pollution, water pollution is one of the most dangerous to the ecosystem. For example, if water is polluted, it eventually evaporates into the air causing the air to be polluted. Pollution in the air can cause acid rain which will harm plant life. If there is no plant life because of acid rain, animals will eventually die and the earth will become uninhabited. Just because of water being polluted it harmed at least four other things that are very important to our earth: animals, plant life, the good ozone layer, high above the earth, and humans. Water is also a nonrenewable resource which means that if we use too much, it will not return after it's gone. Did you know that if you keep the water on while you're brushing your teeth, you use up to ten times more water than you regularly would? That may not seem like a lot, but with water, that's eighty pounds of water wasted. This problem can be solved without adults having to do much. We kids can just make sure we don't use so much un-needed water. Keeping the water on while you're brushing your teeth or washing your hands means that you're using about as much extra water as a fifth to sixth-grader weighs. We need to all try much harder on conserving our water.

Now that you've learned about water, let's talk about improving our air quality. Polluted air also causes much harm to our environment. Just as easily as the evaporated water can harm the air quality, the air can harm the water quality. Did you know that twenty to forty percent of the pollution found in water actually comes from the air? Most of that pollution is coming from cars' exhaust fumes and factories' smoke stacks. If I work in a factory when I grow up, I'll make sure that it has very effective scrubbers. What's in the air will eventually come down into the water. It doesn't always land in water though. It can also fall onto land. That brings me to my next topic, plant life and wildlife.

Plant life is very important to all inhabitants of earth. It not only helps us breathe, but it is also used as food. If somehow all plant life died, we and all the animals including marine life would die also. Speaking about marine life, did you know that farmers can cause a lot of harm to all marine life? This happens because their animals graze near water and some waste goes into the water and follows the current downstream. The waste is then used as fertilizer for all of the algae. The algae will grow too plentiful. It eventually dies, taking all the oxygen in the water wit h it. This causes most, if not all marine life and underwater plant life to die. If I become a farmer when I grow up, I won't ever let that happen.

You may be thinking, "Okay that's what other people like adults can do. I guess that I can't do anything," but that's not true. Kids can do things as well as adults. We just need to do simpler things such as planting trees, not wasting water, and using forms of transportation (bikes, walking, etc.). Others probably have given up on our world looking really nice, but I haven't. I hope you haven't either. If everyone gives a little effort, we'll all be happier and will live in a beautiful place again. So let's get out there and help our world!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are presented in this essay. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea, demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, completes all parts of the task, and may go beyond the limits of the task.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by very effectively using an interesting statement or a question in the beginning of the introduction. (“ Gross! Look at that water! It's disgusting! If you're wondering how it got that way, look all around you. You will see many causes of all different types of pollution. All of this pollution can be helped if people would just care more about the environment.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central or controlling idea very effectively. (“ Though there are many other types of pollution, water pollution is one of the most dangerous to the ecosystem. For example, if water is polluted, it eventually evaporates into the air causing the air to be polluted. Pollution in the air can cause acid rain which will harm plant life. If there is no plant life because of acid rain, animals will eventually die and the earth will become uninhabited.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with details about the different types of pollution and what the public can do to help. (“ Though there are many other types of pollution, water pollution is one of the most dangerous to the ecosystem. For example, if water is polluted, it eventually evaporates into the air causing the air to be polluted. Pollution in the air can cause acid rain which will harm plant life. If there is no plant life because of acid rain, animals will eventually die and the earth will become uninhabited. Just because of water being polluted it harmed at least four other things that are very important to our earth: animals, plant life, the good ozone layer, high above the earth, and humans. Water is also a nonrenewable resource which means that if we use too much, it will not return after it's gone. Did you know that if you keep the water on while you're brushing your teeth, you use up to ten times more water than you regularly would? That may not seem like a lot, but with water, that's eighty pounds of water wasted. This problem can be solved without adults having to do much. We kids can just make sure we don't use so much un-needed water. Keeping the water on while you're brushing your teeth or washing your hands means that you're using about as much extra water as a fifth to sixth-grader weighs. We need to all try much harder on conserving our water.”)

Content & Development

Very effective content and development are shown in this essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details for support.

The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“Though there are many other types of pollution, water pollution is one of the most dangerous to the ecosystem. For example, if water is polluted, it eventually evaporates into the air causing the air to be polluted. Pollution in the air can cause acid rain which will harm plant life. If there is no plant life because of acid rain, animals will eventually die and the earth will become uninhabited. Just because of water being polluted it harmed at least four other things that are very important to our earth: animals, plant life, the good ozone layer, high above the earth, and humans. Water is also a nonrenewable resource which means that if we use too much, it will not return after it's gone.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (“Now that you've learned about water, let's talk about improving our air quality. Polluted air also causes much harm to our environment. Just as easily as the evaporated water can harm the air quality, the air can harm the water quality. Did you know that twenty to forty percent of the pollution found in water actually comes from the air? Most of that pollution is coming from cars' exhaust fumes and factories' smoke stacks. If I work in a factory when I grow up, I'll make sure that it has very effective scrubbers. What's in the air will eventually come down into the water. It doesn't always land in water though. It can also fall onto land. That brings me to my next topic, plant life and wildlife.”)

Specific information about various types of pollution is developed very effectively. (“Though there are many other types of pollution, water pollution is one of the most dangerous to the ecosystem. For example, if water is polluted, it eventually evaporates into the air causing the air to be polluted. Pollution in the air can cause acid rain which will harm plant life. If there is no plant life because of acid rain, animals will eventually die and the earth will become uninhabited. Just because of water being polluted it harmed at least four other things that are very important to our earth: animals, plant life, the good ozone layer, high above the earth, and humans. Water is also a nonrenewable resource which means that if we use too much, it will not return after it's gone. Did you know that if you keep the water on while you're brushing your teeth, you use up to ten times more water than you regularly would? That may not seem like a lot, but with water, that's eighty pounds of water wasted.”)

Organization

This model essay uses very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, effective use of paragraphing, and effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ Gross! Look at that water! It's disgusting! If you're wondering how it got that way, look all around you. You will see many causes of all different types of pollution. All of this pollution can be helped if people would just care more about the environment.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ Though there are many other types of pollution, water pollution is one of the most dangerous to the ecosystem. For example, if water is polluted, it eventually evaporates into the air causing the air to be polluted. …Now that you've learned about water, let's talk about improving our air quality.”)

The conclusion very effectively teaches the readers a lesson the writer learned after completing the essay. (“ You may be thinking, ‘Okay that's what other people like adults can do. I guess that I can't do anything,’ but that's not true. Kids can do things as well as adults. We just need to do simpler things such as planting trees, not wasting water, and using forms of transportation (bikes, walking, etc.). Others probably have given up on our world looking really nice, but I haven't. I hope you haven't either. If everyone gives a little effort, we'll all be happier and will live in a beautiful place again. So let's get out there and help our world!”)

Language Use & Style

This writer demonstrates very effective use of language and style in the essay. The writing demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. Well-structured and varied sentences are used as well.

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay, appearing to readers as both informative and enthusiastic. (“ Now that you've learned about water, let's talk about improving our air quality. Polluted air also causes much harm to our environment. Just as easily as the evaporated water can harm the air quality, the air can harm the water quality. Did you know that twenty to forty percent of the pollution found in water actually comes from the air?”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the first and second body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ Though there are many other types of pollution, water pollution is one of the most dangerous to the ecosystem. For example, if water is polluted, it eventually evaporates into the air causing the air to be polluted. Pollution in the air can cause acid rain which will harm plant life. If there is no plant life because of acid rain, animals will eventually die and the earth will become uninhabited. Just because of water being polluted it harmed at least four other things that are very important to our earth: animals, plant life, the good ozone layer, high above the earth, and humans. Water is also a nonrenewable resource which means that if we use too much, it will not return after it's gone. Did you know that if you keep the water on while you're brushing your teeth, you use up to ten times more water than you regularly would? That may not seem like a lot, but with water, that's eighty pounds of water wasted. This problem can be solved without adults having to do much. We kids can just make sure we don't use so much un-needed water. Keeping the water on while you're brushing your teeth or washing your hands means that you're using about as much extra water as a fifth to sixth-grader weighs. We need to all try much harder on conserving our water. …Now that you've learned about water, let's talk about improving our air quality. Polluted air also causes much harm to our environment. Just as easily as the evaporated water can harm the air quality, the air can harm the water quality. Did you know that twenty to forty percent of the pollution found in water actually comes from the air? Most of that pollution is coming from cars' exhaust fumes and factories' smoke stacks. If I work in a factory when I grow up, I'll make sure that it has very effective scrubbers. What's in the air will eventually come down into the water. It doesn't always land in water though. It can also fall onto land. That brings me to my next topic, plant life and wildlife.”)

The following complex sentence is used effectively: “ Just as easily as the evaporated water can harm the air quality, the air can harm the water quality.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates very effective control over the correct use of mechanics and conventions. Few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling exist. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ Now that you've learned about water, let's talk about improving our air quality. Polluted air also causes much harm to our environment. Just as easily as the evaporated water can harm the air quality, the air can harm the water quality.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Our world is a place that we live on. It is our home planet. When clean, it is probably the most beautiful planet in our solar system. It has beautiful trees, lovely lakes and streams, mountains of tremendous hights, and when it is close to night time, the sunset is beautiful with all it's bright colors in the sky. But when we don't take care of our earth, it can be a very ugly place, and also very dangerous. Here are some of the things we can do to preserve the beauty of our earth, and keep it nice and safe to live on.

Polution is a problem that the world has. When you polute, you throw out a peice of trash on the street or grass, insted of the trash can. That kind of polution is called land pollution. Land pollution can make the world look really disgusting, and also make the earth smell bad. I don't want that to happen. Another kind of pollution is called air pollution. Air pollution is when a type of gas, like smoke, rises up in to the air, and causes the air to turn gray. The smoke can come from cars and some large factories in big cities. We should stop polluting so we can keep the wonderful environment safe.

Another way we could help our world, is by keepig the environment healthy! Excamples of this are planting trees, planting new grass not polluting, cleaning up pollution in our area, and many more. These are all things you can do to keep your environment healthy.

Finally, you could keep our environment safe for us, and the animals that live arond us. When you throw away a plastic six pack container iinto the ocean or the lake, a fish can get cought in it! tThe fish could die for someone being lazy and careless. Another thing people do is leave trash on the ground, likie I said littering. An animal could think your plastic candy rapper or bottle cap is food, and then eat it and choke, or eat it and get very sick.

Our world is very special. It holds life, not only ours, but the life of the plants and the animals. Those are all living things! If you keep our world safe and healthy, we and the animals can live and prosper together with us!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central or controlling idea. (“ Polution is a problem that the world has. When you polute, you throw out a peice of trash on the street or grass, insted of the trash can. That kind of polution is called land pollution. Land pollution can make the world look really disgusting, and also make the earth smell bad. I don't want that to happen. Another kind of pollution is called air pollution. Air pollution is when a type of gas, like smoke, rises up in to the air, and causes the air to turn gray. The smoke can come from cars and some large factories in big cities. We should stop polluting so we can keep the wonderful environment safe.”)

The language of the thesis fits the effective examples very well. (“ Here are some of the things we can do to preserve the beauty of our earth, and keep it nice and safe to live on.”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about ways to preserve the environment. (“ Another way we could help our world, is by keepig the environment healthy! Excamples of this are planting trees, planting new grass not polluting, cleaning up pollution in our area, and many more. These are all things you can do to keep your environment healthy.”)

Content & Development

This sample essay contains good content and development. Ideas are developed clearly, using sufficient appropriate details as support.

The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“Polution is a problem that the world has. When you polute, you throw out a peice of trash on the street or grass, insted of the trash can. That kind of polution is called land pollution. Land pollution can make the world look really disgusting, and also make the earth smell bad. I don't want that to happen. Another kind of pollution is called air pollution. Air pollution is when a type of gas, like smoke, rises up in to the air, and causes the air to turn gray. The smoke can come from cars and some large factories in big cities. We should stop polluting so we can keep the wonderful environment safe.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“Finally, you could keep our environment safe for us, and the animals that live arond us. When you throw away a plastic six pack container iinto the ocean or the lake, a fish can get cought in it! tThe fish could die for someone being lazy and careless. Another thing people do is leave trash on the ground, likie I said littering. An animal could think your plastic candy rapper or bottle cap is food, and then eat it and choke, or eat it and get very sick.”)

Specific information about pollution is developed clearly. (“Polution is a problem that the world has. When you polute, you throw out a peice of trash on the street or grass, insted of the trash can. That kind of polution is called land pollution. Land pollution can make the world look really disgusting, and also make the earth smell bad. I don't want that to happen. Another kind of pollution is called air pollution. Air pollution is when a type of gas, like smoke, rises up in to the air, and causes the air to turn gray. The smoke can come from cars and some large factories in big cities. We should stop polluting so we can keep the wonderful environment safe.”)

Organization

Good organization is apparent throughout the essay. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and consistent use of transitional devices.

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Our world is a place that we live on. It is our home planet. When clean, it is probably the most beautiful planet in our solar system. It has beautiful trees, lovely lakes and streams, mountains of tremendous hights, and when it is close to night time, the sunset is beautiful with all it's bright colors in the sky. But when we don't take care of our earth, it can be a very ugly place, and also very dangerous. Here are some of the things we can do to preserve the beauty of our earth, and keep it nice and safe to live on.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ Another way we could help our world, is by keepig the environment healthy! …Finally, you could keep our environment safe for us, and the animals that live arond us.”)

The conclusion effectively teaches readers a lesson. (“ Our world is very special. It holds life, not only ours, but the life of the plants and the animals. Those are all living things! If you keep our world safe and healthy, we and the animals can live and prosper together with us!”)

Language Use & Style

Good use of language and style is shown within the essay. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience, and well-structured sentences with some variety.

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“ Another way we could help our world, is by keepig the environment healthy! Excamples of this are planting trees, planting new grass not polluting, cleaning up pollution in our area, and many more. These are all things you can do to keep your environment healthy. …Finally, you could keep our environment safe for us, and the animals that live arond us. When you throw away a plastic six pack container iinto the ocean or the lake, a fish can get cought in it! tThe fish could die for someone being lazy and careless. Another thing people do is leave trash on the ground, likie I said littering. An animal could think your plastic candy rapper or bottle cap is food, and then eat it and choke, or eat it and get very sick.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the first and second body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ Polution is a problem that the world has. When you polute, you throw out a peice of trash on the street or grass, insted of the trash can. That kind of polution is called land pollution. Land pollution can make the world look really disgusting, and also make the earth smell bad. I don't want that to happen. Another kind of pollution is called air pollution. Air pollution is when a type of gas, like smoke, rises up in to the air, and causes the air to turn gray. The smoke can come from cars and some large factories in big cities. We should stop polluting so we can keep the wonderful environment safe. …Another way we could help our world, is by keepig the environment healthy! Excamples of this are planting trees, planting new grass not polluting, cleaning up pollution in our area, and many more. These are all things you can do to keep your environment healthy.”)

The following complex sentence is used effectively: “ When you polute, you throw out a peice of trash on the street or grass, insted of the trash can.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates a good handle of mechanics and conventions in this essay. Few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling do not interfere with the message. For example, m ost sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ Our world is a place that we live on. It is our home planet. When clean, it is probably the most beautiful planet in our solar system.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

There are many ways to help the environment. Helping the environment is good so the world doesn't look like a dump, and so animals don't die. There are many things in the world we have to protect. Some things we have to take good care of are water, pollution, animals, plants, and the air.

First we can start by keeping the world clean. Not so many many people like the streets clean or recycle. When people keep streets clean they are helping the environment because the animals don't die as much by trying to eat it because they are hungry. It also helps so the world doesn't look dirty and smells like a trash can. Nobody likes a dirty world or neighborhood.

Next we can help the environment by having clean air. One way to help is to limiting what we burn because when we burn something such as burning fossil fuels, trash, and plastic can cause carbon dioxide, and global warming. If we breath air pollution to much we can get cancer. This is really important because we can probably die.

Last we have to save animals. Animals are very important in our lives, they produce food like eggs, milk, cream, cheese, and lots more. People hunt animals and more and more animals are dying an the woods, jungles, and forests.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Adequate focus and meaning are found in this essay. The writer establishes a controlling idea, demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes many parts of the task.

The thesis states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. (“Some things we have to take good care of are water, pollution, animals, plants, and the air.”)

The essay understands the intended audience adequately. (“There are many ways to help the environment. Helping the environment is good so the world doesn't look like a dump, and so animals don't die. There are many things in the world we have to protect. Some things we have to take good care of are water, pollution, animals, plants, and the air.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“ Next we can help the environment by having clean air. One way to help is to limiting what we burn because when we burn something such as burning fossil fuels, trash, and plastic can cause carbon dioxide, and global warming.”)

Content & Development

This essay consists of adequate content and development. Ideas are developed adequately, using sufficient details for support.

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“First we can start by keeping the world clean. Not so many many people like the streets clean or recycle. When people keep streets clean they are helping the environment because the animals don't die as much by trying to eat it because they are hungry. It also helps so the world doesn't look dirty and smells like a trash can. Nobody likes a dirty world or neighborhood.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs support the thesis. (“Next we can help the environment by having clean air. One way to help is to limiting what we burn because when we burn something such as burning fossil fuels, trash, and plastic can cause carbon dioxide, and global warming. If we breath air pollution to much we can get cancer. This is really important because we can probably die.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“First we can start by keeping the world clean. Not so many many people like the streets clean or recycle. When people keep streets clean they are helping the environment because the animals don't die as much by trying to eat it because they are hungry. It also helps so the world doesn't look dirty and smells like a trash can. Nobody likes a dirty world or neighborhood.”)

Organization

This essay is characterized by adequate organization. The writer demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, inconsistent use of paragraphing, and inconsistent use of transitional devices.

The introduction ends with an adequate thesis statement. (“ There are many ways to help the environment. Helping the environment is good so the world doesn't look like a dump, and so animals don't die. There are many things in the world we have to protect. Some things we have to take good care of are water, pollution, animals, plants, and the air.”)

The introduction includes adequate background information about the topic. (“ There are many ways to help the environment. Helping the environment is good so the world doesn't look like a dump, and so animals don't die. There are many things in the world we have to protect. Some things we have to take good care of are water, pollution, animals, plants, and the air.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. (“ First we can start by keeping the world clean. …Next we can help the environment by having clean air. …Last we have to save animals.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in this essay is adequate. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice; correct sentence structure with some variety is generally used.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ There are many ways to help the environment. Helping the environment is good so the world doesn't look like a dump, and so animals don't die. There are many things in the world we have to protect. Some things we have to take good care of are water, pollution, animals, plants, and the air.”)

Exact and specific words, such as “help,” “environment,” “air,” and “water,” from the research and the prompt task are used adequately.

Word choices are sometimes poor; for example, the slang term “dump” is used in the following paragraph: “ There are many ways to help the environment. Helping the environment is good so the world doesn't look like a dump, and so animals don't die.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates adequate control over the use of mechanics and conventions. Some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, m any sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ Last we have to save animals. Animals are very important in our lives, they produce food like eggs, milk, cream, cheese, and lots more. People hunt animals and more and more animals are dying an the woods, jungles, and forests.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

We can help are world and make it a better place by, not littering. Littering is a very unkind thing to do. I think it is nasty and hurtful when somebody just through a piece of trash out of there window. We can do a better job than that and you know it!

We could make this better by having trash cans in all sorts of places like parks and stores. So people don't through trash on the ground instead you could you put it in the trash can right next to you. Why I think this is important because we will have a very dirty world if you don't take care of it. I think we should take care of are world because it is our home.

The reason I wrote this was because I really wanted to stop littering and I hope that I made a difference in the world. and that some people understand what im trying to say. In other words STOP LITTERING!!!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This student essay demonstrates limited focus and meaning. The writer establishes a controlling idea but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience, completing only some parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“We could make this better by having trash cans in all sorts of places like parks and stores. So people don't through trash on the ground instead you could you put it in the trash can right next to you. Why I think this is important because we will have a very dirty world if you don't take care of it. I think we should take care of are world because it is our home.”)

The essay states a limited central or controlling idea. (“We can help are world and make it a better place by, not littering. Littering is a very unkind thing to do. I think it is nasty and hurtful when somebody just through a piece of trash out of there window. We can do a better job than that and you know it!”)

The writing style is not always appropriate for the audience. (“We can help are world and make it a better place by, not littering. Littering is a very unkind thing to do. I think it is nasty and hurtful when somebody just through a piece of trash out of there window. We can do a better job than that and you know it!”)

Content & Development

Limited content and development are apparent within this essay. Ideas are developed briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support.

The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“We could make this better by having trash cans in all sorts of places like parks and stores. So people don't through trash on the ground instead you could you put it in the trash can right next to you. Why I think this is important because we will have a very dirty world if you don't take care of it. I think we should take care of are world because it is our home.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. (“We could make this better by having trash cans in all sorts of places like parks and stores. So people don't through trash on the ground instead you could you put it in the trash can right next to you. Why I think this is important because we will have a very dirty world if you don't take care of it. I think we should take care of are world because it is our home.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“We could make this better by having trash cans in all sorts of places like parks and stores. So people don't through trash on the ground instead you could you put it in the trash can right next to you. Why I think this is important because we will have a very dirty world if you don't take care of it. I think we should take care of are world because it is our home.”)

Organization

The writer demonstrates limited use of organization in this essay. There is some evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, as well as a lack of paragraphing and some transitional devices.

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ We can help are world and make it a better place by, not littering. Littering is a very unkind thing to do. I think it is nasty and hurtful when somebody just through a piece of trash out of there window. We can do a better job than that and you know it!”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are needed. (“ We could make this better by having trash cans in all sorts of places like parks and stores. So people don't through trash on the ground instead you could you put it in the trash can right next to you. Why I think this is important because we will have a very dirty world if you don't take care of it. I think we should take care of are world because it is our home. …The reason I wrote this was because I really wanted to stop littering and I hope that I made a difference in the world. and that some people understand what im trying to say. In other words STOP LITTERING!!!”)

The conclusion attempts to teach readers a lesson. (“ The reason I wrote this was because I really wanted to stop littering and I hope that I made a difference in the world. and that some people understand what im trying to say. In other words STOP LITTERING!!!”)

Language Use & Style

This essay’s use of language and style is limited. The writing demonstrates simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and a reliance on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ So people don't through trash on the ground instead you could you put it in the trash can right next to you.”)

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ and that some people understand what im trying to say. In other words STOP LITTERING!!!”)

The style is not formal. (“ I think it is nasty and hurtful when somebody just through a piece of trash out of there window. We can do a better job than that and you know it!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Limited control of mechanics and conventions is evident in this essay. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“The reason I wrote this was because I really wanted to stop littering and I hope that I made a difference in the world. and that some people understand what im trying to say.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Four ways we can help the enviorment is by saving trees and making the air much more fresh and the water more nicer, also no littering.

To make the air fresh is that when people smoke it causes the smoke to go in other people who are walking by smell the smoke that is coming near them. Also whe the air is nice and cool outside then you can play outside with some of the friends you know.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Minimal focus and meaning are conveyed in this essay. It suggests a controlling idea but demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience; few parts of the task are completed.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“To make the air fresh is that when people smoke it causes the smoke to go in other people who are walking by smell the smoke that is coming near them. Also whe the air is nice and cool outside then you can play outside with some of the friends you know.”)

In the introduction, the supporting idea of the essay is not stated. (“Four ways we can help the enviorment is by saving trees and making the air much more fresh and the water more nicer, also no littering.”)

In the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is not stated. (“Four ways we can help the enviorment is by saving trees and making the air much more fresh and the water more nicer, also no littering.”)

Content & Development

Content and development within this essay are minimal at best. Ideas are developed incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. (“To make the air fresh is that when people smoke it causes the smoke to go in other people who are walking by smell the smoke that is coming near them. Also whe the air is nice and cool outside then you can play outside with some of the friends you know.”)

Details are used minimally to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“To make the air fresh is that when people smoke it causes the smoke to go in other people who are walking by smell the smoke that is coming near them. Also whe the air is nice and cool outside then you can play outside with some of the friends you know.”)

Important details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“To make the air fresh is that when people smoke it causes the smoke to go in other people who are walking by smell the smoke that is coming near them. Also whe the air is nice and cool outside then you can play outside with some of the friends you know.”)

Organization

Minimal organization is found in this essay. It demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion, along with little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Four ways we can help the enviorment is by saving trees and making the air much more fresh and the water more nicer, also no littering.”)

There is little evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ To make the air fresh is that when people smoke it causes the smoke to go in other people who are walking by smell the smoke that is coming near them. Also whe the air is nice and cool outside then you can play outside with some of the friends you know.”)

The essay does little to include a strong conclusion. (“ To make the air fresh is that when people smoke it causes the smoke to go in other people who are walking by smell the smoke that is coming near them. Also whe the air is nice and cool outside then you can play outside with some of the friends you know.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style, as evidenced by this essay, is minimal. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience; basic errors in sentence structure and usage are made.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ Four ways we can help the enviorment is by saving trees and making the air much more fresh and the water more nicer, also no littering.”)

Exact words are missing. (“ To make the air fresh is that when people smoke it causes the smoke to go in other people who are walking by smell the smoke that is coming near them.”)

Transitions are needed. (“ To make the air fresh is that when people smoke it causes the smoke to go in other people who are walking by smell the smoke that is coming near them. Also whe the air is nice and cool outside then you can play outside with some of the friends you know.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer appears to have minimal control of mechanics and conventions in the essay. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“Four ways we can help the enviorment is by saving trees and making the air much more fresh and the water more nicer, also no littering.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Hi, i am going to give you some ideas so that you can help us to keep our Earth clean and also were we live.We are going to talk about how you can keep the wild life,air,and the water.You can stop smoking to keep the air clean.You can stop litering to

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay consists of inadequate focus and meaning. It fails to establish a controlling idea, demonstrates no understanding of purpose and audience, and completes no parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“Hi, i am going to give you some ideas so that you can help us to keep our Earth clean and also were we live.We are going to talk about how you can keep the wild life,air,and the water.You can stop smoking to keep the air clean.You can stop litering to”)

The essay does not state a central or controlling idea. (“Hi, i am going to give you some ideas so that you can help us to keep our Earth clean and also were we live.We are going to talk about how you can keep the wild life,air,and the water.You can stop smoking to keep the air clean.You can stop litering to”)

In the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is not stated. (“Hi, i am going to give you some ideas so that you can help us to keep our Earth clean and also were we live.We are going to talk about how you can keep the wild life,air,and the water.You can stop smoking to keep the air clean.You can stop litering to”)

Content & Development

Inadequate content and development are present in this essay. The writer fails to develop ideas, using no details as support.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central or controlling idea of the essay. (“Hi, i am going to give you some ideas so that you can help us to keep our Earth clean and also were we live.We are going to talk about how you can keep the wild life,air,and the water.You can stop smoking to keep the air clean.You can stop litering to”)

At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. (“Hi, i am going to give you some ideas so that you can help us to keep our Earth clean and also were we live.We are going to talk about how you can keep the wild life,air,and the water.You can stop smoking to keep the air clean.You can stop litering to”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Hi, i am going to give you some ideas so that you can help us to keep our Earth clean and also were we live.We are going to talk about how you can keep the wild life,air,and the water.You can stop smoking to keep the air clean.You can stop litering to”)

Organization

Organization within this brief essay appears to be inadequate. The essay demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure, no introduction or conclusion, and no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The first sentence of the introduction does not include a question, a quotation, or an interesting fact or statistic. (“ Hi, i am going to give you some ideas so that you can help us to keep our Earth clean and also were we live.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“Hi, i am going to give you some ideas so that you can help us to keep our Earth clean and also were we live.We are going to talk about how you can keep the wild life,air,and the water.You can stop smoking to keep the air clean.You can stop litering to”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“Hi, i am going to give you some ideas so that you can help us to keep our Earth clean and also were we live.We are going to talk about how you can keep the wild life,air,and the water.You can stop smoking to keep the air clean.You can stop litering to”)

Language Use & Style

The language use and style of this essay are inadequate as well. The writing demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ You can stop smoking to keep the air clean.You can stop litering to”)

Exact words are missing. (“ We are going to talk about how you can keep the wild life,air,and the water.”)

Transitions are needed. (“Hi, i am going to give you some ideas so that you can help us to keep our Earth clean and also were we live.We are going to talk about how you can keep the wild life,air,and the water.You can stop smoking to keep the air clean.You can stop litering to”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The student’s control of the use of mechanics and conventions in the essay is inadequate. Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“Hi, i am going to give you some ideas so that you can help us to keep our Earth clean and also were we live.We are going to talk about how you can keep the wild life,air,and the water.You can stop smoking to keep the air clean.You can stop litering to”)

Ideal Field Trips

Field trips can help students learn more about the things they learn in class. If you could choose a field trip for you and your class, where would you go? Describe the field trip you would plan for your class. Explain what things you would do, and what you might learn on the field trip.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Field trips can be very educational, and fun at the same time. I think a good place to go would be the Franklin Institute, for science class. There are many fascinating exhibits there, like a giant heart and the Fels Planetarium. In this essay, I will explain about the many things to do at the Franklin Institute, and the educational purposes of these activities.

The Franklin Institute is probably most famous for its Giant Heart Display. It is a huge fake heart, made of plaster and paper mache over metal lathe. It's the same size as the heart of a 220-ft tall person! It has been an exhibit there since January 29, 1954. This display was called "The Engine of Life" many years ago, and that is very true about the heart. Our science class could learn many things about this very important organ at the Franklin Institute.

There's also a place called the Fels Planetarium there. It has incredible displays, like "SonicVision," which is showed on Fridays and Saturdays. There's also a classic planetarium presentation, called 'The Sky Tonight." This show even changes with the seasons, so that the audience can try to locate the same constellations at home, after they see the show! Did you know that the Fels Planetarium was the second planetarium in the country? It was built in 1933, with funds from a man named Samuel S. Fels.

Another great exhibit at the Franklin Institute is the Franklin Air Show, which reopened in 2003 after renovation. They have many incredible displays there, like an aircraft hanger, a pilot training area, and a midway. The most important display there is probably their 1911 Wright Model B Flyer.

Our class could go to the Franklin Institute on Tuesday, at 9:30 A.M., because that's when the science center opens on weekdays. First, we could go to the Giant Heart exhibit, and explore the wonders of one of the most important internal organs in the human body. We could learn more about how the heart works, and look at the exhibit's full size recreation of a surgical theater! After that, we could go to the Franklin Air Show display, where they have many displays about flight. The Franklin Institute even has planes and a hanger there! When we're done with that exhibit, the class could go to the Fels Planetarium and see Infinity Express, a show about the universe, or to the Electricity Hall, and view the electricity demonstration in "Ben's Curiosity Show."

I think the Franklin Institute would be a great place for a field trip for science, because there's so much information about so many science topics there! I hope we can go sometime soon.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response establishes an insightful controlling idea that provides an overview of what the remainder of the essay will discuss. (“ In this essay, I will explain about the many things to do at the Franklin Institute, and the educational purposes of these activities.”) Through the development of this idea, the author demonstrates an understanding of the task and the audience. This essay completed all parts of the assigned task.

Content & Development

In this essay, the author uses a wide variety of appropriate and accurate details to support the controlling idea. For example, in the second paragraph, the author thoroughly describes the Giant Heart display at The Franklin Institute. (“ It is a huge fake heart, made of plaster and paper mache over metal lathe. It's the same size as the heart of a 220-ft tall person! It has been an exhibit there since January 29, 1954. This display was called "The Engine of Life" many years ago, and that is very true about the heart.”) This student uses examples and facts very effectively in developing this essay.

Organization

This essay is very cohesively organized. The introduction engages the reader in the subject and establishes an effective controlling idea. Each body paragraph begins with a focused topic sentence and transition. (“ Another great exhibit at the Franklin Institute is the Franklin Air Show, which reopened in 2003 after renovation.”) The fourth paragraph even suggests a plan for the field trip. (“Our class could go to the Franklin Institute on Tuesday, at 9:30 A.M., because that's when the science center opens on weekdays. First, we could go to the Giant Heart exhibit, and explore the wonders of one of the most important internal organs in the human body.”) The concluding paragraph summarizes the author’s main point.

Language Use & Style

The essay is composed using appropriate and effective language. Not only is word choice precise and very effective for this student’s grade level, but the student also demonstrates a defined voice. (“ There's also a classic planetarium presentation, called 'The Sky Tonight." This show even changes with the seasons, so that the audience can try to locate the same constellations at home, after they see the show!”) Additionally, sentences are well-structured and varied. (“Did you know that the Fels Planetarium was the second planetarium in the country? It was built in 1933, with funds from a man named Samuel S. Fels.”) Through the use of such effective words and sentences, it is obvious that this student has a clear sense of the audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

While not without errors in mechanics and conventions, the mistakes do not interfere with the intended message. This response demonstrates the author’s effective control over standard written English.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I think a field trip to the zoo would be educational and fun. You can see the unique creatures of the world. You can discover how much reptiles eat a year; you can learn what is the tallest bird in the world, and what’s the heaviest animal. You learn biology, geography, and about the environment.

If you visit the striped Tigers, you could find out that tigers are on the verge of extinction, which means they are dying off. Unfortunately, they are being hunted for the price of their fur.

You may learn about camouflage and survival skills. Chameleons are one of the best animals when it comes to camouflage. They change colors with their surroundings, and move with the wind. Other animals camouflage differently for example leaf tailed geckos look like a bark-covered lizard, so they stay on trees.

Animals live all over the world: polar bears live in the freezing temperatures of Antarctica, tigers live in the mountains and flatlands of Asia, chameleons live in Madagascar , off the coast of Africa, lions live under the burning hot sun of Africa, crocodiles live in the swamplands of Australia .

Fierce animals are sometimes nice to babies. Crocodiles are meat-eating machines but they are gentle loving parents. Lions, bears, and cheetahs are also protective and caring to their babies.

Everybody will like at least something at the zoo, and you probably will learn a lot too. Whether you like scaly snakes, hairy spiders, colorful birds or fluffy bunnies, the zoo has something for you.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author strongly communicates a clear controlling idea. (“I think a field trip to the zoo would be educational and fun.”) This concept is developed and maintained throughout this response. The author obviously understands the purpose of this task and its intended audience. Most parts of this task are completed.

Content & Development

This essay develops ideas using specific and relevant details and examples. For example, when the author describes what the class can learn from chameleons, he/she doesn’t just say that these animals are educational, but goes so far as to explain why. (“ Chameleons are one of the best animals when it comes to camouflage. They change colors with their surroundings, and move with the wind. Other animals camouflage differently for example leaf tailed geckos look like a bark

Organization

This essay demonstrates good organization through a mostly unified structure. The introduction establishes the student’s controlling idea. Each body paragraph, for the most part, is focused and contains a topic sentence. (“ You may learn about camouflage and survival skills.”) The last two body paragraphs, however, could be improved with greater focus. The conclusion addresses why the zoo is really for everyone. (“ Whether you like scaly snakes, hairy spiders, colorful birds or fluffy bunnies, the zoo has something for you.”)

Language Use & Style

This response demonstrates appropriate and effective language use. Sentences are well-structured and varied. (“If you visit the striped Tigers, you could find out that tigers are on the verge of extinction, which means they are dying off.”) Word choice is good for this student’s grade level (“Fierce” and “protective”). This student clearly understands his/her audience and uses language that is suitable for the assigned task.

Mechanics & Conventions

This response is not error-free . There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and

spelling, but they do not interfere with the message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The ideal field trip for my class would be to go to Big Bear Mountains . The students will love the snow and how to snow ski and snowboard, they might of never experienced that. If they never had snow skied or snowboard on Big Bear then it would be cool for us to learn. Many students haven't snow boarded or snow skied yet so they have to learn and try it. Afterthey learn how to snowboard or we can go off the big mountains. Now you can see when we go to Big Bear everyone will know how to snowboard and snow ski.

Going to Big Bear to go snowboarding and snow skiing with my classmates, would be the best field trip because many students haven't learned how to snowboard and snow ski. It would be great if they snow boarded or snow skied, then we could do the hard jumps and the big mountains. If my classmates learned then they won't be scared then we can do the pro races, snowboarding and snow skiing off the big mountains. I know if they learn how to snowboard or snow ski they will be happy.

In conclusion, going to Big Bear to go snowboard and snow ski would be the perfect field trip for my classmates. If we don't go to Big Bear my classmates won't experience their best day of their life. We could snowboard and ski for a while. If we don't we can play with the snow. Then we can go on a downhill skiing . That will be the best field trip for my classmates and my teacher.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay can best be described as an adequate completion of the task. The student establishes a controlling idea (“The ideal field trip for my class would be to go to Big Bear Mountains.”) and demonstrates a basic understanding of the assignment. The central idea is maintained throughout the essay and demonstrates the student’s general understanding of the purpose of this task and the intended audience. Many parts of the assignment are completed.

Content & Development

This author develops his/her controlling idea adequately, using sufficient details to support the reasons presented. In the body paragraph, the author provides some explanations as to why it is a good idea to go to Big Bear. (“ It would be great if they snow boarded or snow skied, then we could do the hard jumps and the big mountains. If my classmates learned then they won't be scared then we can do the pro races, snowboarding and snow skiing off the big mountains.”) To further improve this essay, however, this student could have provided more details and examples in the explanation.

Organization

This author creates an adequate three-paragraph structure for this essay. The introductory paragraph addresses the writing prompt and establishes the controlling idea. The second paragraph, which acts as the body of the essay, establishes reasons for this field trip. In the third paragraph, the conclusion, the author briefly restates his/her controlling idea and main points. (“ In conclusion, going to Big Bear to go snowboard and snow ski would be the perfect field trip for my classmates.”)

Language Use & Style

The author writes in a style that is generally appropriate for this task. Word choice and sentence structure are adequate and somewhat varied. (“ Going to Big Bear to go snowboarding and snow skiing with my classmates, would be the best field trip because many students haven't learned how to snowboard and snow ski.”) Some sentences, however, tend to be repetitive. (“The students will love the snow and how to snow ski and snowboard, they might of never experienced that. If they never had snow skied or snowboard on Big Bear then it would be cool for us to learn. Many students haven't snow boarded or snow skied yet so they have to learn and try it.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author commits errors in grammar (“If they never had snow skied or snowboard was basketball”) and punctuation (“Afterthey”). However, these mistakes do not significantly interfere with the author’s intended message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Hi my name Justin and I like to go '' Banning Park ''. I think " Banning Park '' is a great feild trip for fith grade.

I think it is a good trip for fith grade because the children need a break from school because they work to hard at finishing there homework every day even weekends.It should be 9.05 to 1.45 .So I think we sould have this field trip.

You think it is not egetion but it is. I think it is because we can catch fish. I said that because we were doing a project on a fish . Some people can talk about kind of stuff we do in school that is there their favorite subect in school they want to do. After they eat there snack they can play games that they can play with their friends. When they got on the bus they were loud

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this response, the author develops a controlling idea and remains focused on it. (“Hi my name Justin and I like to go '' Banning Park ''. I think " Banning Park '' is a great feild trip for fith grade.”) However, the essay is limited in how this message is communicated to the audience. The content development is only partially adequate, thereby limiting the meaning of this essay.

Content & Development

Although the author does attempt to include some details to support his position, the arguments are insufficiently developed. For example, in the second paragraph the author tries to explain that students work very hard and need a break on occasion. (“ I think it is a good trip for fith grade because the children need a break from school because they work to hard at finishing there homework every day even weekends.”) However, this idea does not come across very clearly because it lacks further support and development.

Organization

This essay is constructed with limited organization. There are three paragraphs but they are limited in their focus and structure. There is an introduction that establishes the controlling idea, but the paragraph is only two sentences in length and is clearly underdeveloped. The reader can infer that the second paragraph is the body of the essay, but it is only three lines long. The majority of this essay’s development is in the third paragraph, seemingly the response’s conclusion. The essay could be improved with a more focused, cohesive, and logical organizational structure.

Language Use & Style

The author’s language is limited and unsophisticated. Word choice and sentence structure demonstrate this simplicity. (“You think it is not egetion but it is. I t hink it is because we can catch fish. I said that because we were doing a project on a fish .”) Overall, the language use is simple and could be significantly improved.

Mechanics & Conventions

The response demonstrates a limited control of the conventions and mechanics of standard written English. There are several noticeable errors in grammar (“ Some people can talk about kind of stuff we do in school”) , punctuation, and spelling (“ egetion”) that somewhat interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

If I could go on a field trip I will go to sixfags we would ride the almost all of the rides I can . I will have the time of my life . I would get on the roller coater and the new one it says that its the most scary one in the state . That will be the most fun I would have all my life. It will like my guts flew in my head and my bones went to my belly. When we stop it felt like my brain came out. It was a crazy feeling that I had going upsidedown.

One time I hit my head on a pole it didn't hurt that bad but it did hurt I don't know how it happen I went on it two times.Thats the idea field trip

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay is limited in its ability to communicate a meaningful message to the reader. The author demonstrates some understanding of the purpose of the assignment (“ If I could go on a field trip I will go to sixfags.”), but shows a failure to understand the audience because of the lack of development and coherence. This student completes only a few parts of the task.

Content & Development

This response develops ideas incompletely and inadequately. The author briefly addresses what she/he would do at Six Flags, but fails to explain why the class should be allowed to go. (“ I would get on the roller coater and the new one it says that its the most scary one in the state . That will be the most fun I would have all my life.”) This response lacks specific and accurate details and examples to appropriately support the controlling idea.

Organization

This essay demonstrates only minimal organization and little evidence of structure. The response consists of only two paragraphs. It is unclear if the first paragraph is the introduction or the body of the essay. It establishes a controlling idea briefly and goes on to list a couple of activities this student would participate in at Six Flags. The second paragraph is only two lines long. This essay lacks a proper introduction, conclusion, and transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

The language use in this response may be weak, but it is not wholly inappropriate. The author plays around with voice by using very vivid descriptors. (“ It will like my guts flew in my head and my bones went to my belly. When we stop it felt like my brain came out. “) Some sentences are poorly structured and basic errors are noticeable. (“I would get on the roller coater and the new one it says that its the most scary one in the state.”) Word choice and usage are often incorrect as well. (“ Thats the idea field trip”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Several significant errors are easily detected in this essay. Mistakes in spelling (“Thats the idea”), punctuation (“ sixfags”) , and grammar substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

If I could plan a field trip I would plan to go to the zoo. The zoo is a great place for kids to learn about animals. It is very educational. The zoo has many things to see like pandas, lions, and a lot more things to see. it

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Although the author makes an attempt at establishing a thesis (“If I could plan a field trip I would plan to go to the zoo.”), he/she fails to create any relevant meaning or focus. The author demonstrates no understanding of the purpose of the assignment and, therefore, completes no parts of the task.

Content & Development

This essay fails to develop support for its thesis. Even though the author lists a few ideas (“The zoo is a great place for kids to learn about animals. It is very educational. The zoo has many things to see like pandas, lions, and a lot more things to see. ”), they are not elaborated. This response does not inform the reader with sufficient information.

Organization

No reasonable organizational structure can be detected in this short, two-line response. It is closer to the origins of a paragraph than an essay. It is missing an introduction, body, conclusion, and transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

In such a short response, it is difficult to properly assess the language use and style. Although the author’s sentences and words are simple, they do not appear to be wholly inadequate. (“ It is very educational. The zoo has many things to see like pandas, lions, and a lot more things to see. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

In the space of two lines, it is difficult to understand whether or not this student has an ability to control the mechanics and conventions of standard written English. However, it seems as though in this exceedingly short response, there are not many errors in grammar, punctuation, and spelling.

Invent a Holiday

Each year, the average American celebrates more than fifteen different holidays. Imagine that you have been asked to help create a special holiday just for your town. What would your new holiday include and why would the town want to celebrate it?

Write a multi-paragraph essay describing your new holiday and why the town should adopt it. Be sure to include specific details to help support your idea.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Don't you just love it when it first snows? Or how soothing hot chocolate tastes after a chilly day? If you do, you are guaranteed to love Winterfrost Day! This holiday is celebrated on the thirty-first of January. Many people should celebrate this convivial, glorious, enthusiastic holiday because every year when it first snows, many children gather around joy filled hearts! A lot of people also like to play in the snow, like sledding, building snow forts, having snowball fights, and more. If you have never celebrated this holiday you are in for a ton of fun!

To begin with, you will learn about the delectable dishes of food and beverages that will be served at your hometown festival. For food you may have winter colored food, like vanilla ice-cream. Or you may have traditional foods, perhaps fresh baked gingerbread cookies right out the oven, or holiday pastries. If these types of food don't sound very appetizing to you, you may try your own traditional recipes or try to find any winter colored food or winter shaped foods. For beverages there will be a couple choices. Some examples are: Sprite, water, flavored water, milk, and most definitely hot chocolate! If you are allergic or may not have a beverage or food there will be exceptions.

Furthermore, the chiming music and decorations are next to be told. For music, you can shop at your local music shop. You should be able to find the Winterfrost album of 2010. If that is sold out, then you may try to find anything similar music to the Winterfrost album, in the holiday section. Now for the decorations, you can put gleaming blue and white lights outside your house. In addition, you may hang banners up celebrating this grand, snowy holiday! You may choose to decorate the inside of your house. If you do, you can make paper snowflakes or put sparkly white ribbons up! These are just a few ideas that you can try to make. There are certainly more ideas of decorating, so be creative!

Warm clothing for Winterfrost Day is a must; you should wear blue and white colors or just winter colors. If you have a holiday dress, it would be perfect for this holiday especially if the dress is white or blue. If you go to your local clothing shop, they will most likely have long sleeves for this holiday. Those who do not have any clothing like the things mentioned, I would suggest buying some. Also, as a rule for clothing, please do not wear any shirt that represents another season. If you do, you will be shown the way out of the festival.

Finally, the recreation or games can be played in the snow or just warm up for the big race. You can get with your sled race teams as the warm ups and practice before the race. Now comes the big race. It is when all the citizens of your neighborhood race. It is when all the citizens of your neighborhood choose to join in a sled race. The race goes for about forty minutes. The players will switch back and forth like a relay. The sled team that zooms to the bottom gets the flag, hurries back to the top for the next person to retrieve the second flag, and so on. Each person runs down on a sled once, and ten people go per team. The team that retrieves all ten flags first wins. The first place winner will receive the Winterfrost Trophy. Each member will also receive mini gold medals and one free sled along with two hundred dollars in cash. Second place winners will receive a free sled and a hundred and fifty dollars for each member. Third place winners will get a free sled and a hundred dollars for each member. Remember, there are many other entertaining games that you can play on this remarkable holiday, Winterfrost Day!

Now remember when it first snows on January thirty-first remember this holiday! Or when everybody gathers around with joy filled hearts, remember this holiday! Additionally, when you drink hot chocolate by the fire, remember the majestic holiday, Winterfrost Day!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ Many people should celebrate this convivial, glorious, enthusiastic holiday because every year when it first snows, many children gather around joy filled hearts! ”)

The essay very effectively focuses the readers’ attention on the topic of winter and a holiday that celebrates it. The opening question reminds readers of the excitement of the first snowfall of the season. (“ Don't you just love it when it first snows? Or how soothing hot chocolate tastes after a chilly day? If you do, you are guaranteed to love Winterfrost Day! This holiday is celebrated on the thirty-first of January. Many people should celebrate this convivial, glorious, enthusiastic holiday because every year when it first snows, many children gather around joy filled hearts! A lot of people also like to play in the snow, like sledding, building snow forts, having snowball fights, and more.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. The writer maintains his/her focus on the festival offerings throughout the essay. (“ To begin with, you will learn about the delectable dishes of food and beverages that will be served at your hometown festival. For food you may have winter colored food, like vanilla ice-cream. Or you may have traditional foods, perhaps fresh baked gingerbread cookies right out the oven, or holiday pastries. If these types of food don't sound very appetizing to you, you may try your own traditional recipes or try to find any winter colored food or winter shaped foods. For beverages there will be a couple choices. Some examples are: Sprite, water, flavored water, milk, and most definitely hot chocolate! If you are allergic or may not have a beverage or food there will be exceptions. ”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details for support.

Relevant points very effectively explain and illustrate the writer’s ideas for creating a charming holiday atmosphere. The writer provides specific suggestions for music and decorations. (“ Furthermore, the chiming music and decorations are next to be told. For music, you can shop at your local music shop. You should be able to find the Winterfrost album of 2010. If that is sold out, then you may try to find anything similar music to the Winterfrost album, in the holiday section. Now for the decorations, you can put gleaming blue and white lights outside your house. In addition, you may hang banners up celebrating this grand, snowy holiday! You may choose to decorate the inside of your house. If you do, you can make paper snowflakes or put sparkly white ribbons up! These are just a few ideas that you can try to make. There are certainly more ideas of decorating, so be creative! ”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. The writer gives detailed descriptions of the type of clothing that should be worn for this holiday festival. (“ Warm clothing for Winterfrost Day is a must; you should wear blue and white colors or just winter colors. If you have a holiday dress, it would be perfect for this holiday especially if the dress is white or blue. If you go to your local clothing shop, they will most likely have long sleeves for this holiday. Those who do not have any clothing like the things mentioned, I would suggest buying some. Also, as a rule for clothing, please do not wear any shirt that represents another season. If you do, you will be shown the way out of the festival. ”)

Specific information about the festival is discussed in the essay, and it is developed very effectively. The writer explains the relay sled race in detail so that readers can picture the sequence of events. (“ Finally, the recreation or games can be played in the snow or just warm up for the big race. You can get with your sled race teams as the warm ups and practice before the race. Now comes the big race. It is when all the citizens of your neighborhood race. It is when all the citizens of your neighborhood choose to join in a sled race. The race goes for about forty minutes. The players will switch back and forth like a relay. The sled team that zooms to the bottom gets the flag, hurries back to the top for the next person to retrieve the second flag, and so on. Each person runs down on a sled once, and ten people go per team. The team that retrieves all ten flags first wins. The first place winner will receive the Winterfrost Trophy. Each member will also receive mini gold medals and one free sled along with two hundred dollars in cash. Second place winners will receive a free sled and a hundred and fifty dollars for each member. Third place winners will get a free sled and a hundred dollars for each member. Remember, there are many other entertaining games that you can play on this remarkable holiday, Winterfrost Day! ”)

Organization

The writer effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction by incorporating questions and statements to evoke images of winter entertainment and enjoyment . (“ Don't you just love it when it first snows? Or how soothing hot chocolate tastes after a chilly day? If you do, you are guaranteed to love Winterfrost Day! This holiday is celebrated on the thirty-first of January. Many people should celebrate this convivial, glorious, enthusiastic holiday because every year when it first snows, many children gather around joy filled hearts! A lot of people also like to play in the snow, like sledding, building snow forts, having snowball fights, and more. If you have never celebrated this holiday you are in for a ton of fun! ”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect ideas between paragraphs and between sentences. (“ Furthermore, the chiming music and decorations are next to be told. For music, you can shop at your local music shop. You should be able to find the Winterfrost album of 2010. If that is sold out, then you may try to find anything similar music to the Winterfrost album, in the holiday section. Now for the decorations, you can put gleaming blue and white lights outside your house. In addition, you may hang banners up celebrating this grand, snowy holiday! ”)

The conclusion very effectively acknowledges the writer’s enthusiasm for Winterfrost Day, and it also provides readers with a sense of closure and urgency. (“ Now remember when it first snows on January thirty-first remember this holiday! Or when everybody gathers around with joy filled hearts, remember this holiday! Additionally, when you drink hot chocolate by the fire, remember the majestic holiday, Winterfrost Day! ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer chooses descriptive verbs to effectively describe the relay sled race. (“ The sled team that zooms to the bottom gets the flag, hurries back to the top for the next person to retrieve the second flag, and so on. Each person runs down on a sled once, and ten people go per team. The team that retrieves all ten flags first wins. The first place winner will receive the Winterfrost Trophy. ”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“ To begin with, you will learn about the delectable dishes of food and beverages that will be served at your hometown festival. For food you may have winter colored food, like vanilla ice-cream. Or you may have traditional foods, perhaps fresh baked gingerbread cookies right out the oven, or holiday pastries. If these types of food don't sound very appetizing to you, you may try your own traditional recipes or try to find any winter colored food or winter shaped foods. For beverages there will be a couple choices. Some examples are: Sprite, water, flavored water, milk, and most definitely hot chocolate! ”)

The writer demonstrates use of strong voice throughout the response. (“ Many people should celebrate this convivial, glorious, enthusiastic holiday because every year when it first snows, many children gather around joy filled hearts! A lot of people also like to play in the snow, like sledding, building snow forts, having snowball fights, and more. If you have never celebrated this holiday you are in for a ton of fun! ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ Warm clothing for Winterfrost Day is a must; you should wear blue and white colors or just winter colors. If you have a holiday dress, it would be perfect for this holiday especially if the dress is white or blue. If you go to your local clothing shop, they will most likely have long sleeves for this holiday. Those who do not have any clothing like the things mentioned, I would suggest buying some. Also, as a rule for clothing, please do not wear any shirt that represents another season. If you do, you will be shown the way out of the festival. ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Eclipse Day!

Eclipse Day is a day where Smithtown celebrates the day whenever the moon blocks out the sun. This day doesn't happen very often when the moon blocks out the sun, so it could be three or more years before another eclipse could come. It would be a two day holiday. It's a day where you don't have to go to school and adults don't have to work for 2 days, one when the eclipse is happening and one after the eclipse ends. This holiday will be celebrated everywhere in Smithtown.

The city Smithtown should adopt it because first of all, this day rarely happens. Second of all it is a day where we party outside while the sun is blocked out by the moon and play hide and seek in a maze with trap doors and many hiding spot where kids fall in a trap they are out. They will land in a bouncy trampoline and slide down underground then up to a house where you can walk out or wait in there for the next game. If they hide in a trap spot, they will be transported out of the maze in a rollercoaster. It would be hard to find someone in the darkness so it could take more than one hr to find a person. You will be equipped with special glasses so you don't get hurt. The last reason is that people can party at the Smithtown All You Can Eat Buffet; it only opens during the eclipse. So, we kind have to clean the place up when the eclipse is on.

Eclipse Day is a holiday where adults and children can have fun. Male adults might want to relax in the Manly Hotel or play with their kids in the maze or any fun activity that is available. Female might want to shop in stores that have their prices for clothing and jewelry cut in half or by 50%. Or they just want to relax in the female place called, The Female Hotel. This occasion also include The Sports Coliseum. It's a place with the sports football, soccer, basketball, tennis, and volleyball. The sports such as dodgeball are not going to be in the Sports Coliseum. The dodgeball will be in the Miniature Sports Coliseum just beside the other one.

The citizens of Smithtown will vote for new events to be added. Events can't exceed 300 events because Smithtown doesn't have that much land to celebrate it. Video Games and Movies will be in the Super Technology Workshop. The Arts and Craft Workshop is a place where you can draw pictures and make statues; this is one of the places where kids have to be supervised. This day will be so fun that even the President and his family can't resist. People can give people presents and feel the joy of giving. Kids don't get scolded for doing minor mistakes, and they will get gifts from your parents and from the made up character, Sandy Moon. It's a male.

This holiday is a very, very special holiday because it’s rare and fun for both adults and kids. People might think this day is unhealthy because of the video games and T.V., but it is not a repeated day and kids and adults need to relax for at least 2 days. This will also include many activities that will fit for anyone. People that like nature can spend their time in the parks and water parks. If you don't like any of the occasions, you can vote for it on the vote for new activities every time.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The language of the thesis fits the examples very well. (“ Eclipse Day is a day where Smithtown celebrates the day whenever the moon blocks out the sun. ”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about the frequency and duration of the holiday. The writer continues the essay with descriptions of activities for Eclipse Day and the location of events. (“Eclipse Day is a day where Smithtown celebrates the day whenever the moon blocks out the sun. This day doesn't happen very often when the moon blocks out the sun, so it could be three or more years before another eclipse could come. It would be a two day holiday. It's a day where you don't have to go to school and adults don't have to work for 2 days, one when the eclipse is happening and one after the eclipse ends. This holiday will be celebrated everywhere in Smithtown.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. (“ Second of all it is a day where we party outside while the sun is blocked out by the moon and play hide and seek in a maze with trap doors and many hiding spot where kids fall in a trap they are out. They will land in a bouncy trampoline and slide down underground then up to a house where you can walk out or wait in there for the next game. If they hide in a trap spot, they will be transported out of the maze in a rollercoaster. It would be hard to find someone in the darkness so it could take more than one hr to find a person. You will be equipped with special glasses so you don't get hurt. ”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient appropriate details for support.

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea in the topic sentence. (“Eclipse Day is a holiday where adults and children can have fun. Male adults might want to relax in the Manly Hotel or play with their kids in the maze or any fun activity that is available. Female might want to shop in stores that have their prices for clothing and jewelry cut in half or by 50%. Or they just want to relax in the female place called, The Female Hotel.”)

Details explain and illustrate each event well. (“This occasion also include The Sports Coliseum. It's a place with the sports football, soccer, basketball, tennis, and volleyball. The sports such as dodgeball are not going to be in the Sports Coliseum. The dodgeball will be in the Miniature Sports Coliseum just beside the other one.”)

The content in each body paragraph includes a variety of details that explain the paragraph’s main idea. The writer describes different activities and events in which people can participate for Eclipse Day. (“The citizens of Smithtown will vote for new events to be added. Events can't exceed 300 events because Smithtown doesn't have that much land to celebrate it. Video Games and Movies will be in the Super Technology Workshop. The Arts and Craft Workshop is a place where you can draw pictures and make statues; this is one of the places where kids have to be supervised. This day will be so fun that even the President and his family can't resist. People can give people presents and feel the joy of giving. Kids don't get scolded for doing minor mistakes, and they will get gifts from your parents and from the made up character, Sandy Moon. It's a male.”)

Organization

The essay effectively introduces the topic of a new holiday . (“ Eclipse Day is a day where Smithtown celebrates the day whenever the moon blocks out the sun. This day doesn't happen very often when the moon blocks out the sun, so it could be three or more years before another eclipse could come. It would be a two day holiday. It's a day where you don't have to go to school and adults don't have to work for 2 days, one when the eclipse is happening and one after the eclipse ends. This holiday will be celebrated everywhere in Smithtown. ”)

Transitions within paragraphs or sentences are used well. The writer should also use transitions to connect ideas between paragraphs. (“ The city Smithtown should adopt it because first of all, this day rarely happens. Second of all it is a day where we party outside while the sun is blocked out by the moon and play hide and seek in a maze with trap doors and many hiding spot where kids fall in a trap they are out. They will land in a bouncy trampoline and slide down underground then up to a house where you can walk out or wait in there for the next game. If they hide in a trap spot, they will be transported out of the maze in a rollercoaster. It would be hard to find someone in the darkness so it could take more than one hr to find a person. You will be equipped with special glasses so you don't get hurt. The last reason is that people can party at the Smithtown All You Can Eat Buffet; it only opens during the eclipse. So, we kind have to clean the place up when the eclipse is on. ”)

The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points of the essay and restates the importance of celebrating Eclipse Day . (“ This holiday is a very, very special holiday because it’s rare and fun for both adults and kids. People might think this day is unhealthy because of the video games and T.V., but it is not a repeated day and kids and adults need to relax for at least 2 days. This will also include many activities that will fit for anyone. People that like nature can spend their time in the parks and water parks. If you don't like any of the occasions, you can vote for it on the vote for new activities every time. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good use of language, voice, and style throughout the essay. The writer also demonstrates a clear sense of audience along with well-structured sentences with some variety .

Language and tone are consistent. (“ Eclipse Day is a holiday where adults and children can have fun. Male adults might want to relax in the Manly Hotel or play with their kids in the maze or any fun activity that is available. Female might want to shop in stores that have their prices for clothing and jewelry cut in half or by 50%. Or they just want to relax in the female place called, The Female Hotel. This occasion also include The Sports Coliseum. It's a place with the sports football, soccer, basketball, tennis, and volleyball. The sports such as dodgeball are not going to be in the Sports Coliseum. The dodgeball will be in the Miniature Sports Coliseum just beside the other one.”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the theme of a new community celebration for the town of Smithtown. (“The citizens of Smithtown will vote for new events to be added. Events can't exceed 300 events because Smithtown doesn't have that much land to celebrate it. Video Games and Movies will be in the Super Technology Workshop. The Arts and Craft Workshop is a place where you can draw pictures and make statues; this is one of the places where kids have to be supervised. This day will be so fun that even the President and his family can't resist. People can give people presents and feel the joy of giving. Kids don't get scolded for doing minor mistakes, and they will get gifts from your parents and from the made up character, Sandy Moon. It's a male.”)

The writer employs good word choice to describe one of the holiday activities. (“ They will land in a bouncy trampoline and slide down underground then up to a house where you can walk out or wait in there for the next game. If they hide in a trap spot, they will be transported out of the maze in a rollercoaster. It would be hard to find someone in the darkness so it could take more than one hr to find a person. You will be equipped with special glasses so you don't get hurt. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences are complete thoughts and contain appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“ Female might want to shop in stores that have their prices for clothing and jewelry cut in half or by 50%. Or they just want to relax in the female place called, The Female Hotel. This occasion also include The Sports Coliseum.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Have you ever forgiven someone on a special day? Well on "Forgiveness Day" you may forgive those you have anger, and depressed. A dedicated day to forgive others on March 3rd. All are welcome to particaptate on this wonderful day. to forgive those who have done bad. People will have a feast and forgive at what they have done and give grace and eat. The feast includes the main dish a well cooked ham with a side of salad and green beans and many more things. People than spend the time with a family activity.

Our town of Smithville celebrates this holiday and is proud of doing so. Smithville will adopted this holiday due to its good meaning and family bonding. I think other cities as well will adopt this holiday maybe even states, and maybe even continets, Such as Europe and South America. I think this holiday can build character, communication, and relationships. This holiday has a lot of good meaning, and this may build great personalitys as well.

For Tradition, will commonly eat ham, beans, and salad. And before eating the great well cooked food. They will say grace and forgive what they have done in the past. They will then eat the food with good table manners and have a great time doing so. The holiday is normally being spent with family. People later then spend a family activity as it is tradition. Some people do not like ham, and normally do not want to eat it. It is fine when some people do not like meat. Some are vegetarian and we should respect it.

Now the whole purpose of this holiday is to obviously forgive those who have done bad, and that it why it’s called "Forgiveness day". Other reasons why they celebrate this holiday is that forgiveness heals the guilt and pain inside you. It cleanses your body from emotions, guilt, pain, and much more. It's to get rid of the bad things going on, And that is why you have a good family activity with your loved ones and have a wonderful feast.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The thesis states the controlling idea of the essay and the point of view of the writer adequately. (“Well on ‘Forgiveness Day’ you may forgive those you have anger, and depressed.”)

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The essay is devoted to informing the readers about the purpose and traditions of the new holiday, “Forgiveness Day.” (“All are welcome to particaptate on this wonderful day. to forgive those who have done bad. People will have a feast and forgive at what they have done and give grace and eat. The feast includes the main dish a well cooked ham with a side of salad and green beans and many more things. People than spend the time with a family activity.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“The holiday is normally being spent with family. People later then spend a family activity as it is tradition. Some people do not like ham, and normally do not want to eat it. It is fine when some people do not like meat. Some are vegetarian and we should respect it.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support.

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. Details provide information about the purpose of the holiday. (“Our town of Smithville celebrates this holiday and is proud of doing so. Smithville will adopted this holiday due to its good meaning and family bonding. I think other cities as well will adopt this holiday maybe even states, and maybe even continets, Such as Europe and South America. I think this holiday can build character, communication, and relationships. This holiday has a lot of good meaning, and this may build great personalitys as well.”)

The writer provides anecdotal examples that are relevant. (“Other reasons why they celebrate this holiday is that forgiveness heals the guilt and pain inside you. It cleanses your body from emotions, guilt, pain, and much more. It's to get rid of the bad things going on,”)

The writer includes at least three details about each main idea. (“For Tradition, will commonly eat ham, beans, and salad. And before eating the great well cooked food. They will say grace and forgive what they have done in the past. They will then eat the food with good table manners and have a great time doing so. The holiday is normally being spent with family. People later then spend a family activity as it is tradition. Some people do not like ham, and normally do not want to eat it. It is fine when some people do not like meat. Some are vegetarian and we should respect it.”)

Organization

The beginning of the essay demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by including a question. (“ Have you ever forgiven someone on a special day? Well on ‘Forgiveness Day’ you may forgive those you have anger, and depressed. A dedicated day to forgive others on March 3rd. All are welcome to particaptate on this wonderful day. to forgive those who have done bad. People will have a feast and forgive at what they have done and give grace and eat. The feast includes the main dish a well cooked ham with a side of salad and green beans and many more things. People than spend the time with a family activity. ”)

Although transitions within paragraphs are used adequately to connect ideas, t ransitional devices from the MY Access! Word Bank can also help establish connections between paragraphs. (“And before eating the great well cooked food. They will say grace and forgive what they have done in the past. They will then eat the food with good table manners and have a great time doing so. The holiday is normally being spent with family. People later then spend a family activity as it is tradition.”)

The conclusion adequately leaves the readers with something to think about; for example, the writer promotes the health benefits of celebrating this holiday. (“ Now the whole purpose of this holiday is to obviously forgive those who have done bad, and that it why it’s called ‘Forgiveness day’. Other reasons why they celebrate this holiday is that forgiveness heals the guilt and pain inside you. It cleanses your body from emotions, guilt, pain, and much more. It's to get rid of the bad things going on, And that is why you have a good family activity with your loved ones and have a wonderful feast. ”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ Our town of Smithville celebrates this holiday and is proud of doing so. Smithville will adopted this holiday due to its good meaning and family bonding. I think other cities as well will adopt this holiday maybe even states, and maybe even continets, Such as Europe and South America. I think this holiday can build character, communication, and relationships. This holiday has a lot of good meaning, and this may build great personalitys as well.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the response. The writer provides language that adequately describes his/her view that sharing a meal creates a strong sense of community among people. (“ All are welcome to particaptate on this wonderful day. to forgive those who have done bad. People will have a feast and forgive at what they have done and give grace and eat. The feast includes the main dish a well cooked ham with a side of salad and green beans and many more things. People than spend the time with a family activity.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect forgiveness as a way to self-improve and strengthen relationships. (“ Other reasons why they celebrate this holiday is that forgiveness heals the guilt and pain inside you. It cleanses your body from emotions, guilt, pain, and much more.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences begin with capital letters, word selections are spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs are indicated with line breaks. (“ For Tradition, will commonly eat ham, beans, and salad. And before eating the great well cooked food. They will say grace and forgive what they have done in the past.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

There are many holidays in the United States and around the world. If I could make for Smithville, it would be Love of Music. There are three reasons why people would want this holiday, it would include free stuff, a concert, and a huge party.

The reason why my city would want this holiday because it is should honor the love of music, Smithville would like this holiday because everybody who loves music could have a career. It would help people live there dreams. Plus it would help them not give up what they want to be in life.

Another reason, why they would like this holiday, because there would be free Ipods, CD's, and more. I would sponsor a commercial for the local people who love music. I would throw a huge party too. That would be a good thing to do for people who want to live there dreams.

Last reason is I would have a concert. One reason, It would help them perform on stage when they have a concert in the future.They know what there doing when they are performing on stage. That is the reason why I would have a concert. I love to help people with performing on stage.

If I had an opportunity to make up a holiday it would be Love of Music. The reason I came up with this holiday I am also inspired by music just like others.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the essay. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides limited descriptions and details that may not give the readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Only some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The essay states the controlling idea in a very limited way. (“If I could make for Smithville, it would be Love of Music. There are three reasons why people would want this holiday, it would include free stuff, a concert, and a huge party.”)

The writer’s focus is limited. The essay focuses on the reasons for creating this new holiday, but the description of each reason is limited at best. (“The reason why my city would want this holiday because it is should honor the love of music, Smithville would like this holiday because everybody who loves music could have a career. It would help people live there dreams. Plus it would help them not give up what they want to be in life.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. For example, including more detailed explanations for the sponsored commercial would help the readers understand which “local people” are eligible for the commercial and how it would help their careers. (“Another reason, why they would like this holiday, because there would be free Ipods, CD's, and more. I would sponsor a commercial for the local people who love music. I would throw a huge party too. That would be a good thing to do for people who want to live there dreams.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The essay develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support.

The main ideas of the body paragraphs support the thesis in a limited way. (“The reason why my city would want this holiday because it is should honor the love of music, Smithville would like this holiday because everybody who loves music could have a career. It would help people live there dreams. Plus it would help them not give up what they want to be in life.”)

The details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“Another reason, why they would like this holiday, because there would be free Ipods, CD's, and more. I would sponsor a commercial for the local people who love music. I would throw a huge party too. That would be a good thing to do for people who want to live there dreams.”)

The essay uses limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Last reason is I would have a concert. One reason, It would help them perform on stage when they have a concert in the future.They know what there doing when they are performing on stage. That is the reason why I would have a concert. I love to help people with performing on stage.”)

Organization

There is limited organization of main ideas and supporting details in the essay. The writer demonstrates evidence of structure but with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. There is limited use of paragraphing, and the essay lacks some transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates a limited introduction. The writer names his/her holiday “Love of Music,” but with limited background information and descriptive details, the readers may question the format and scope of activities. (“There are many holidays in the United States and around the world. If I could make for Smithville, it would be Love of Music. There are three reasons why people would want this holiday, it would include free stuff, a concert, and a huge party.”)

Transitions between paragraphs and between sentences are used to assist the flow of the writer’s ideas. (“ Last reason is I would have a concert. One reason, It would help them perform on stage when they have a concert in the future.They know what there doing when they are performing on stage. That is the reason why I would have a concert. I love to help people with performing on stage.”)

Although the conclusion of the essay provides the readers with a sense of closure, it merely repeats the main ideas without leaving readers with something to think about. (“If I had an opportunity to make up a holiday it would be Love of Music. The reason I came up with this holiday I am also inspired by music just like others.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates a limited use of language, voice, and style. The essay reveals simple l anguage and word choice and some awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, the word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

Some sentences show limited awareness of audience. The writer should elaborate with specific word choices to make the response more interesting to the intended audience. (“ The reason why my city would want this holiday because it is should honor the love of music, Smithville would like this holiday because everybody who loves music could have a career. It would help people live there dreams. Plus it would help them not give up what they want to be in life.”)

The writer uses the same words repeatedly, which limits the writer’s voice in the essay. (“ Last reason is I would have a concert. One reason, It would help them perform on stage when they have a concert in the future.They know what there doing when they are performing on stage. That is the reason why I would have a concert. I love to help people with performing on stage.”)

The sentences are too informal, and the word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“ I would sponsor a commercial for the local people who love music. I would throw a huge party too. That would be a good thing to do for people who want to live there dreams.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), ends with a punctuation mark, and begins with a capital letter. Also, new paragraphs should be indicated with line breaks, the correct spelling of words should be checked, and the writer should ensure proper usage of words within the context of sentences. (“Last reason is I would have a concert. One reason, It would help them perform on stage when they have a concert in the future.They know what there doing when they are performing on stage.”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

My new holiday is a day that is on agust 9.That is a day called history day.On history day the things that you can do on that day is history stoff like doing what ever happend in back in the day.the most inportant thing in the day is that we have a feast after everything is almost over.And the exact time you are soposed to be ther is at 12:00 pm before the gate closes.At 2;00 it will be time for the dress as a past tenss president time.That is a thing where you can ack like your presedent that you dressed up like and alsodo one of ther dances if you want to.

The holiday ends at exacly 5;00 at five;o clock everybody goes home to rest. But before it ends the parents can bring ther kids so they can play in the big yard or stay inside and play in the jump houses and eat there to and dont forget ther is desart ther to.After everybody is done eating they can do what ever they whant to do.Ther is a game room,a lounge room and a tv room in a big manchen around the block.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay only minimally states a central/controlling idea. (“My new holiday is a day that is on agust 9.That is a day called history day.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give the readers a true sense of the purpose of this holiday. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“On history day the things that you can do on that day is history stoff like doing what ever happend in back in the day.the most inportant thing in the day is that we have a feast after everything is almost over.And the exact time you are soposed to be ther is at 12:00 pm before the gate closes.”)

The writer’s details are minimally focused on history, and no explanation is provided about why the town should adopt this holiday. (“ But before it ends the parents can bring ther kids so they can play in the big yard or stay inside and play in the jump houses and eat there to and dont forget ther is desart ther to.After everybody is done eating they can do what ever they whant to do.Ther is a game room,a lounge room and a tv room in a big manchen around the block. ”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s thesis statement. (“And the exact time you are soposed to be ther is at 12:00 pm before the gate closes.At 2;00 it will be time for the dress as a past tenss president time.That is a thing where you can ack like your presedent that you dressed up like and alsodo one of ther dances if you want to.”)

In this two-paragraph response, the writer does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. In neglecting to do so, he/she provides a minimal response that leaves the readers with many questions. (“On history day the things that you can do on that day is history stoff like doing what ever happend in back in the day.the most inportant thing in the day is that we have a feast after everything is almost over.”)

More details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. The writer misses the opportunity to relate holiday activities to a specific person or time period in history. Providing more details at every turn in a response creates a richly textured message that gives the readers a clear picture of what the writer imagines. (“at five;o clock everybody goes home to rest. But before it ends the parents can bring ther kids so they can play in the big yard or stay inside and play in the jump houses and eat there to and dont forget ther is desart ther to.After everybody is done eating they can do what ever they whant to do.Ther is a game room,a lounge room and a tv room in a big manchen around the block.”)

Organization

The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ My new holiday is a day that is on agust 9.That is a day called history day.On history day the things that you can do on that day is history stoff like doing what ever happend in back in the day. ”)

There is minimal evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ The holiday ends at exacly 5;00 at five;o clock everybody goes home to rest. But before it ends the parents can bring ther kids so they can play in the big yard or stay inside and play in the jump houses and eat there to and dont forget ther is desart ther to. ”)

The essay does little to include a strong conclusion. (“ After everybody is done eating they can do what ever they whant to do.Ther is a game room,a lounge room and a tv room in a big manchen around the block. ”)

Language Use & Style

The essay does not demonstrate exact language and word choice, which would more effectively communicate the writer’s message. (“At 2;00 it will be time for the dress as a past tenss president time.That is a thing where you can ack like your presedent that you dressed up like and alsodo one of ther dances if you want to.”)

There are run-on sentences in the essay . (“ The holiday ends at exacly 5;00 at five;o clock everybody goes home to rest. But before it ends the parents can bring ther kids so they can play in the big yard or stay inside and play in the jump houses and eat there to and dont forget ther is desart ther to.”)

Language in the essay is too informal and does not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience . (“ On history day the things that you can do on that day is history stoff like doing what ever happend in back in the day.the most inportant thing in the day is that we have a feast after everything is almost over.And the exact time you are soposed to be ther is at 12:00 pm before the gate closes.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, as well as correct spelling and usage of selected words. (“The holiday ends at exacly 5;00 at five;o clock everybody goes home to rest. But before it ends the parents can bring ther kids so they can play in the big yard or stay inside and play in the jump houses and eat there to and dont forget ther is desart ther to.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

The holiday is animal apperception week it is calibrate May 1 st -10 Th. each week the owner and the animal due some thing sp on the first day get free toy,treats,collers,leash ,and foods. On the second day they go to the park and play all they want and on the third day they visit family , friends the four day they get plane ride to any place in the word ,and on the fifth day they get to eat at fancy place,on the six day they get free animal from the panned it the one time of the year at animals get apperception for what they do people and there pets get to go to a canvas at end of each week their would be games,rides,food, and other stuff.The eight day they play at the beach and get free swimming lessons on the nine day they go to the carnal and play games on the tens they have a party.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer states a central/controlling idea but does not develop it adequately through examples and descriptive details. (“The holiday is animal apperception week it is calibrate May 1 st -10 Th.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The writer lists an activity for each day, but he/she fails to elaborate. (“each week the owner and the animal due some thing sp on the first day get free toy,treats,collers,leash ,and foods. On the second day they go to the park and play all they want and on the third day they visit family , friends”)

The lack of specific details renders the writer’s message ineffective and incomplete. (“the four day they get plane ride to any place in the word ,and on the fifth day they get to eat at fancy place,on the six day they get free animal from the panned”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer neglects to develop the ideas by using no details for support.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“it the one time of the year at animals get apperception for what they do people and there pets get to go to a canvas at end of each week their would be games,rides,food, and other stuff.”)

In this one-paragraph response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs. At least three main ideas should be included as evidence. (“The holiday is animal apperception week it is calibrate May 1 st -10 Th. each week the owner and the animal due some thing sp on the first day get free toy,treats,collers,leash ,and foods. On the second day they go to the park and play all they want and on the third day they visit family , friends the four day they get plane ride to any place in the word ,and on the fifth day they get to eat at fancy place,on the six day they get free animal from the panned it the one time of the year at animals get apperception for what they do people and there pets get to go to a canvas at end of each week their would be games,rides,food, and other stuff.The eight day they play at the beach and get free swimming lessons on the nine day they go to the carnal and play games on the tens they have a party.”)

Details are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Details could include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations to bring the writer’s ideas to life. (“The eight day they play at the beach and get free swimming lessons on the nine day they go to the carnal and play games on the tens they have a party.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate as well. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure, introduction, or conclusion, and there is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ The holiday is animal apperception week it is calibrate May 1 st -10 Th.”)

Although the writer lists the days sequentially, transitional devices are not used to help make a connection between main ideas. (“each week the owner and the animal due some thing sp on the first day get free toy,treats,collers,leash ,and foods. On the second day they go to the park and play all they want and on the third day they visit family , friends”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ The eight day they play at the beach and get free swimming lessons on the nine day they go to the carnal and play games on the tens they have a party.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style is inadequate. He/she demonstrates unclear language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on sentences in the essay. (“ on the six day they get free animal from the panned it the one time of the year at animals get apperception for what they do people and there pets get to go to a canvas at end of each week their would be games,rides,food, and other stuff.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ The eight day they play at the beach and get free swimming lessons on the nine day they go to the carnal and play games on the tens they have a party.”)

Exact words are missing, which makes the writer’s message unclear. (“The holiday is animal apperception week it is calibrate May 1 st -10 Th. each week the owner and the animal due some thing sp on the first day get free toy,treats,collers,leash ,and foods.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Make One Wish

If you could be granted any wish in the world, what would it be? Would you use this wish on friends and family or would you use it to get something you have always wanted?

In a detailed essay, describe what you would wish for and why you would choose to make this wish.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

If I was granted any wish that I wanted, I would wish for a billion dollars to help people all around the world. This amount of money would be amazing to have. If I was granted this money, I certainly wouldn't waste it. As you can imagine, I would want a billion dollars for a lot of different reasons. First, I could help my family with their bills and payments. Another reason it would be useful is that it could be donated to certain charities to help many people. My final reason is it could be used to make some people's lives easier by allowing them to purchase gadgets and tools.

First, I could help my family with their payments. Paying off these types of things would completely change their lives. By payments I mean loans, mortgages, and many others. Paying off things like that would make their lives much easier. If my family continued to pay these bills they wouldn't be able to enjoy many things in life such as, vacations, or anything else they have ever dreamed of doing. They could relax and not worry when the next bill is coming. The first thing I would do is help my family with their bills. This would bring great change to their lives.

Next, some of the money could be donated to certain charities and make a real difference in the lives of people all around the country. For example, with this money, many diseases and other health problems might be able to be cured. With these diseases cured the change that it would bring to anyone's lives would be tremendous! Also, remember that donating money would help people get many things that they might have lost from a natural disaster or something that might have ruined their lives. If money is donated toward charities the world could become much more secure. People could take more risk and not feel that they were being foolish because they would have a safety net to help them in case something bad happened. With money being donated to the environment and the economy, everyone's lives could become much safer and cause many people to get their lives back if something that happened to them. This way, they could live their lives the same way they did before the disaster.

Finally, people’s lives could be made much easier with this money. People could afford lots of interesting gadgets that would help them accomplish complex tasks. As I said before, this money could be used toward charities which helps cure diseases and gives things that people need to survive in such a harsh and unforgiving world. In addition, the money could be given away to people that are greatly in need of it. Another way is it could make everyone's life easier is giving it to some businesses that also give away money to people in need. As you can see, this money is very useful. I could use this money to protect people's lives which enable them to be able to enjoy things they never had before. The gadgets they could purchase would also help them to avoid medical problems or get better jobs.

My wish is very useful towards anyone's lives. I would be giving it to people I don't even know that are in great need of it and it could change their lives. It would be used to help my family have an easier, more relaxed life. Also it would be donated towards charities to help save a large amount of lives. The last thing it would be used for is to make lives easier and more relaxed. If I had one wish, it would be used to help a tremendous amount of people and cause their lives to be greater than they could ever hope it would be.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea, demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, completes all parts of the task, and may even go beyond the limits of the task. The essay grabs the readers’ attention by very effectively using an interesting statement, a question, and an engaging statement at the beginning of the introduction. (“ If I was granted any wish that I wanted, I would wish for a billion dollars to help people all around the world. This amount of money would be amazing to have.”) All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. The response does not have unnecessary or irrelevant content. Finally, the tone is appropriate for the wish the writer selects; it is lighthearted without being insulting to the intelligence of the readers. (“ With these diseases cured the change that it would bring to anyone's lives would be tremendous!”)

Content & Development

The essay develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details for support. The writer makes relevant points that explain and illustrate very effectively. Details help augment the overall arguments. (“ People could take more risk and not feel that they were being foolish because they would have a safety net to help them in case something bad happened.”) The essay includes facts, statistics, examples, brief narratives or explanations to tell a small story, people's actual words or quotes, or a definition of a difficult or important word about each of the main ideas. (“ If my family continued to pay these bills they wouldn't be able to enjoy many things in life such as, vacations, or anything else they have ever dreamed of doing.”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, effective use of paragraphing, and effective use of transitional devices throughout. The introduction isn’t particularly creative, but it is effective at introducing readers to the topic. (“ If I was granted any wish that I wanted, I would wish for a billion dollars to help people all around the world.”) Transitions are used very effectively throughout the entire essay. (“As you can see, this money is very useful.”) The conclusion summarizes the main points of the essay very effectively. (“ If I had one wish, it would be used to help a tremendous amount of people and cause their lives to be greater than they could ever hope it would be.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, a clear sense of audience, and uses well-structured and varied sentences. The language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. Some sentences are a bit too brief, but the meaning is clear. (“ The first thing I would do is help my family with their bills. This would bring great change to their lives.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay uses very effective control of conventions and mechanics. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence is indented when beginning a new paragraph, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ Also, remember that donating money would help people get many things that they might have lost from a natural disaster or something that might have ruined their lives.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

If I could make one wish, it would be that I would want to be truly happy. I would wish that I didn't have to worry about the problems in the world, that I didn't have to be upset and that I would no longer get angry.

One thing that would allow me to be happy is that I didn't have to worry. For a 13 year old girl, I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I'm always worrying about if my family has enough money to pay the bills. I'm always worrying about what people think of me. I'm always worrying if my hair is straight enough, if I match and if I'm too fat because that is sadly how people think of you. They think of what your outside looks like.

I always have to worry about if my friends are okay, I have always have the fear that one of my friends just overdosed. I always have the fear that people don't like me anymore. It seems I always have a fear of something. I always have to worry about what the person I like thinks of me. I always have to worry about who will be friends with me because people judge me by the way I dress, the way I think, the way I respond to them, my sexuality, everything. It’s a nightmare.

Unfortunately, it seems as though I am always upset at something. Often, I am upset because something happened to one of my friends or I am upset because of my father who can be very judgmental. Sometimes, I am upset because of someone's opinion of me. I am also upset because of stress and annoyances which are caused more and more every day. I have a lot of things that I get upset about.

I am also angry at a lot of things. Often, I am angry at myself. I am angry about people's perspective of me. I am angry about people's judgment of me. I am angry about people's judgments of everyone else. I think that when people make judgments they are immoral. When I have anger, it often leads to stress which causes me more sadness and worry.

As you can see, I have a lot of stress in my life. If I had one wish, it would be to be truly happy. It would be that I didn't have to worry so much, that I wasn't always so upset, and that I wasn't always so angry. I want a life that isn't so stressful. I want to be happy. I want to be in love. I want my reality to finally be better than my dreams. This is my one wish.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay uses good focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience and completes most parts of the task . The essay grabs the readers’ attention by using an interesting statement, a question, and an engaging statement at the beginning of the introduction. All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. (“ It seems I always have a fear of something.”) The language of the thesis fits the effective examples very well. (“ I am also upset because of stress and annoyances which are caused more and more every day.”)

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient appropriate details for support. The example is developed well with s upporting details. (“ I am also upset because of stress and annoyances which are caused more and more every day.”) There is some repetition in the response, but it is acceptable for an elementary-level writer. (“I am angry about people's judgment of me. I am angry about people's judgments of everyone else.”) The supporting details are described well. (“I think that when people make judgments they are immoral.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and consistent use of transitional devices. Each paragraph is devoted to a particular idea, which is consistently addressed throughout. Strong personal statements like the following help to engage the readers. (“It seems I always have a fear of something. I always have to worry about what the person I like thinks of me. I always have to worry about who will be friends with me because people judge me by the way I dress, the way I think, the way I respond to them, my sexuality, everything.”) The author should consider using more statements like these earlier in the essay to help draw readers in. However, the writer does attempt to provide readers with an idea of what the response is about. There are minimal transitions used, which help readers move between ideas. Even at the elementary level, this essay still has effective organization. The conclusion is effective at summarizing the essay. (“If I had one wish, it would be to be truly happy. It would be that I didn't have to worry so much, that I wasn't always so upset, and that I wasn't always so angry.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice, a clear sense of audience, and uses well-structured sentences with some variety. The language and tone are consistent, although they are also somewhat repetitious. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ I'm always worrying if my hair is straight enough, if I match and if I'm too fat because that is sadly how people think of you.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay uses good control of conventions and mechanics. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, m ost sentences have a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and most sentences begin with a capital letter. There is some awkward usage of periods and commas, but most of the content is clear and correct. Mistakes that are made do not impede meaning. (“ I am also upset because of stress and annoyances which are caused more and more every day. I have a lot of things that I get upset about.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Imagine, having one wish. Having one wish to wish for anything you always wanted. That sounds amazing doesn't it? If I had one wish I would wish that my mom would quit smoking cigarettes. They're really bad for her and it upsets me that she uses them. So I hope she stops.

My mom has been smoking since she was in high school. It's so bad that she goes through a whole pack in two days! In the morning she smokes, in the car, at work and even at the dinner table. It's not only hurting her but its hurting my sister and me. When I get to school I smell like an ashtray. I feel my heart becoming weaker so I know that my mom's heart is even worse. When I breathe in that nasty smoke I cough very loud and it hurts.

When my mom smokes her "cancer stick” they are killing her, slowly. I always show her the facts and tell her what I know but she says, "It's too hard." She has tried plenty of times but I guess she gives up after awhile. My mom could die. My sister and I could die of lung cancer and we don't even smoke! I don't want my mom to die of something that she could change. Every time she takes a puff of that cigarettes she killing herself. She's making her heart weaker, her lungs all black and filled with smoke, her teeth yellow, and even her nails turn yellow.

I would put my wish towards my loving mom. Saving my mom's life is more important than any material thing in the world.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea and demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience and completes many parts of the task. The author has a very strong voice that is maintained throughout the response. The focus is clearly the strongest element of the essay. (“ I feel my heart becoming weaker so I know that my mom's heart is even worse. When I breathe in that nasty smoke I cough very loud and it hurts.”) The thesis is a bit weak and simplistic. The author should have expanded upon the main idea of the essay. (“So I hope she stops.”) It is consistently on topic and there is no off-topic information. If the response included additional details, the author could have achieved a higher grade based on the quality of the focus.

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support. The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“ She's making her heart weaker, her lungs all black and filled with smoke, her teeth yellow, and even her nails turn yellow.”) Additional details could be used to augment the argument. These might include specific examples of how the smoking hurts or upsets the author. Most of the arguments create a clear picture in the readers’ minds, but there are too few of them to be much more than adequate. The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. At least three details are stated about each main idea. (“ I always show her the facts and tell her what I know but she says, ‘It's too hard.’”)

Organization

The essay uses adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, but there is inconsistent use of paragraphing and inconsistent use of transitional devices. The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ That sounds amazing doesn't it? If I had one wish I would wish that my mom would quit smoking cigarettes.”) The introduction ends with an adequate thesis statement. (“ They're really bad for her and it upsets me that she uses them. So I hope she stops.”) The conclusion is brief, but it does provide readers with a sense of closure. (“I would put my wish towards my loving mom. Saving my mom's life is more important than any material thing in the world.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. Exact and specific words from the research and the prompt task are used adequately. Word choices are sometimes poor, but generally the author’s intent is clear. The language used is direct and attempts to provoke an emotional response from the readers. (“ My sister and I could die of lung cancer and we don't even smoke!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates adequate control of mechanics and conventions. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb, many sentences end with a punctuation mark, many sentences are indented at the start of a new paragraph, and many sentences begin with a capital letter. In this case, the author successfully uses punctuation throughout the response. Essays at this level may have some noticeable errors in punctuation, but the author’s intent is clear. (“ My mom has been smoking since she was in high school. It's so bad that she goes through a whole pack in two days!”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

If I could be granted any wish in the world, it would be to have as many to pass it on to whoever I want and be able to pass it on to whoever I want to have it. I would use it for my friends and family. Here is a reason why i chose this.

I chose this because it's not just for me. I could share it. When the time comes, I would give it to the most honest, trustworthy person I know and tell them to do the same thing when it's their time. I could use it for good and only good. I could even save the world.

This is why i would wish for that wish. People could make the world a better place with that wish. I could make the world better and make someone happy. I wished for that because it's not just for my own benefit, but for everyone else too.

Trading away my wish would be much better than simply using it for myself.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience and completes only some parts of the task. The author begins by stating they would want to give away their wish, but it isn’t immediately clear what the author means by “pass it on.” It isn’t until later in the essay that the author’s intent becomes clear. (“ If I could be granted any wish in the world, it would be to have as many to pass it on to whoever I want and be able to pass it on to whoever I want to have it.”) The author should rephrase the introduction to provide a clearer thesis. The writing style may or may not be appropriate for the audience. In this case, the author is respectful and generally writes in a way that is appropriate for the topic being discussed. (“I could use it for good and only good. I could even save the world.”) There is little or no irrelevant information.

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. It develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support ideas. In this response, the author does not provide much detail about how passing on the wish will help to improve the world. Many of the ideas are somewhat repetitious. While this is understandable at the elementary level, the writer should consider adding more information to help readers understand the author’s intent. (“I chose this because it's not just for me. I could share it. When the time comes, I would give it to the most honest, trustworthy person I know and tell them to do the same thing when it's their time.”)

Organization

The essay has limited organization. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. It may or may not lack paragraphing and transitional devices. This essay demonstrates evidence of a good introduction, but there is some confusion about what the author is really saying. The majority of the content indicates the author intends to pass their wish on to others, but the author also says he or she wants to help his or her family. (“ If I could be granted any wish in the world, it would be to have as many to pass it on to whoever I want and be able to pass it on to whoever I want to have it. I would use it for my friends and family.”) The author should clarify the intent of the response early on in the essay. Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. The conclusion is too brief to summarize the ideas presented in the response, but it does attempt to provide some closure. (“ Trading away my wish would be much better than simply using it for myself.”) The author should provide additional details or give the readers something to think about going forward.

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates simple language and word choice and some awareness of audience and control of voice. The lengths of the sentences are short, there is repetition, t ransitions are needed, and the essay is often informal. (“ This is why i would wish for that wish. People could make the world a better place with that wish.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. The author should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. There are mechanical errors in this essay, but they are relatively minor. (“ Here is a reason why i chose this.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

If I can be granted one wish I would wish for what I have always wanted. What I have always wanted is Ten million dollars. I would g and buy so many things but first, I wouldn't forget abou my family I would give my mother about one and a half millioln dollars and let her do what she wanted to do with it then I would go see my father and give him about ahalf million dollars, and after hat I would take my sisters out and show them a great time thenI would do what I have alwys wanted I would go to Hawaii and come back buy me a laptop because I have always wanted one. The next thingI would do i throw a party and invite lots of people. I'd rent a hotl jump on the beds then I would stay there until morning and wake up and go shopping and then just rest and go have more fun. I would buy things that I really need then I would get a bank acount, and then put four million in then I would spend the rst on things I want and and need. Now you see what my wish would be and how I would spend it and what I would spend it on.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. The writer suggests a controlling idea but demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and completes few parts of the task. The author does have a clear thesis but has very little control over the tone of the essay. (“If I can be granted one wish I would wish for what I have always wanted. What I have always wanted is Ten million dollars.”) It is not written in a way that is appropriate for the audience. Often, essays at this level have off-topic information in abundance, but this response is mostly on topic.

Content & Development

The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support. There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. The author does state what he/she would do with the money, but there isn’t much detail given to the arguments made. (“ The next thingI would do i throw a party and invite lots of people. I'd rent a hotl jump on the beds then I would stay there until morning and wake up and go shopping and then just rest and go have more fun.”) Important details (examples, facts, brief narratives or explanations) are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea.

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. There is a very brief introduction and a one-sentence conclusion, but there is virtually no attempt made to organize information in a more substantive way. There is no usage of separate paragraphs, and there are few transitions. (“Now you see what my wish would be and how I would spend it and what I would spend it on.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience and makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. Sentences are too short or too long. There is repetition and it is extremely informal. The author attempts to use few, if any, transitions. (“ The next thingI would do i throw a party and invite lots of people.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. The essay does not end each sentence with a punctuation mark or begin each sentence with a capital letter. There are serious problems with mechanics and conventions. Errors such as these seriously undercut the author’s credibility. There are run-on sentences and many spelling errors. (“I would g and buy so many things but first, I wouldn't forget abou my family I would give my mother about one and a half millioln dollars and let her do what she wanted to do with it then I would go see my father and give him about ahalf million dollars, and after hat I would take my sisters out and show them a great time thenI would do what I have alwys wanted I would go to Hawaii and come back buy me a laptop because I have always wanted one.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

IF I had to make one wish or If I could make one wish I would wish for me to be the richst kid on earth and have billions of dollar. do what I want when I want and get what I want with out people telling me. I can't get what I want and I would be able and I could get me a large house and get a mall added on my house and all my friends could stay with me in my huge house.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer fails to establish a controlling idea, demonstrates no understanding of purpose and audience, and completes no parts of the task. T he essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. There is a clear answer to the prompt, but the author does not support it in a meaningful way. There is some information provided that is connected to the topic, but it isn’t clear how having a billion dollars would allow you do to what you want, when you want. (“ do what I want when I want and get what I want with out people telling me.”) There is no control of tone or style. The essay is not written to appeal to the appropriate audience.

Content & Development

The writer fails to develop ideas and uses no details for support. Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. The author does have one idea, but one idea is not enough to achieve a good score. (“ I can't get what I want and I would be able and I could get me a large house and get a mall added on my house and all my friends could stay with me in my huge house.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion and no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices. There is an introduction, but it is not clear or distinguished from the rest of the essay. (“IF I had to make one wish or If I could make one wish I would wish for me to be the richst kid on earth and have billions of dollar.”) There are no transitions or paragraph breaks. There is no conclusion.

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. The lengths of the sentences are too short or too long. It is repetitive and far too informal. The sentences do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

There are major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the message. The text is not indented at the beginning of a new paragraph, and each sentence does not begin with a capital letter. (“I can't get what I want and I would be able and I could get me a large house and get a mall added on my house and all my friends could stay with me in my huge house.”)

My Favorite Season

As one season changes into another, we look forward to enjoying different activities and weather conditions with friends and family. The four seasons of winter, fall, spring, and summer offer unique and fun ways to experience life. Do you have a favorite season? Is it because of the weather or the activities you can enjoy during this time of year?

In a well-developed essay, describe the reasons for your choice of a favorite season. Include details to support your description.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Imagine running though a field of daisies in the middle of spring with the cool breeze blowing against your face, the soft crisp grass crunching under your toes, and the birds sitting way up high in the nest singing a beautiful song. My favorite season would have to be spring because one of my favorite holidays, which is St. Patrick's Day, and then there is my birthday, the weather is just right, and there are so many fun and cool activities that you can do.

To start off, spring is my favorite season because my two most favorite things happen. One is St. Patrick's Day and the second is my birthday. My family has a little bit of Irish in it so it's always a party on St. Patrick's Day. St. Patrick's Day is just two days before my birthday so what normally happens is that I just have my birthday party when my mom and the family have the St. Patrick's Day party. So it's just a big celebration at my house during March. But its okay because there is tons of great food, I get to see my friends and family that I don't normally get to see, and then there is always my favorite party the gifts! The best part, besides the gifts, is when we gather around the table to eat. My mom makes all kinds of food. She makes pies, casseroles, hamburgers, hot dogs, chicken, steak, ham, turkey, macaroni and cheese, salads, and tons of other great dishes. When we sit down to eat my mom makes us pray for our food and all the great things in our lives and most of the time we go around and everyone says one thing that they are grateful of. Its nice to hear that, because most likely everyone expect for the odd balls say that they are grateful just to be with there family and to be surrounded by people that love them. Then after we eat I get to open all my gifts from all my family and friends, and I don't care if its not something that I wanted to me its the thought that counts! That's only one reason why spring is my favorite season.

Next spring is my favorite season because of the weather and all the animals. When spring starts you can tell just by the weather. It starts to get cooler and you can start going to the beach again, not like you can't during winter. The weather is not too hot but its not too cold either, it seems to be just right. It just warm enough to start wearing your summer clothes and to wear your winter clothes also. Then there is the animals, the animals, some of them, are coming out of hibernation. They start looking for food. If you have ever been in a forest or in the mountains when its spring you can see little animal paw prints in the sand and dirt and it is very cool because you get to try and find out what kind of animal made those prints. Another reason why I love spring is because you can start gardening. My grandmother and I love to garden together. Its one of those times where we get to bond and spend quality time together. My grandmother is my favorite person, so I cherish those times we spend together out in our garden that we had made over the last couple of years. That's another reason why I love spring.

Last but not least I love spring because of all the new and fun activities that you can do. You can start swimming again. Swimming is one of my favorite sports and I love to swim so I'm so happy when spring comes around because I've been waiting all winter to get to swim and finally I get to. Also when I go to high school at Mainland I'm going to try out for the swim team because I love to swim it makes me happy when I get to swim. But not only do you get to swim you can do other sports to like, soccer, baseball, volleyball, and cheerleading. Spring is when all the tryouts normally start because its not too hot but its not too cold to do things like jogging, swimming, or throwing people in the air. That's another reason why spring is my favorite season.

So in a nutshell, I love spring because my favorite two holidays, St. Patrick's Day and my birthday, the weather is just right and all the animals come out of hibernating, and you can start playing sports again, like swimming which you can't do during the winter.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are conveyed in this essay. It establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea, demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, completes all parts of the task, and may go beyond the limits of the task.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by very effectively using an interesting statement or a question in the beginning of the introduction. (“ Imagine running though a field of daisies in the middle of spring with the cool breeze blowing against your face, the soft crisp grass crunching under your toes, and the birds sitting way up high in the nest singing a beautiful song. My favorite season would have to be spring because one of my favorite holidays, which is St. Patrick's Day, and then there is my birthday, the weather is just right, and there are so many fun and cool activities that you can do.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central idea very effectively. (“ To start off, spring is my favorite season because my two most favorite things happen. One is St. Patrick's Day and the second is my birthday. My family has a little bit of Irish in it so it's always a party on St. Patrick's Day. St. Patrick's Day is just two days before my birthday so what normally happens is that I just have my birthday party when my mom and the family have the St. Patrick's Day party. So it's just a big celebration at my house during March. But its okay because there is tons of great food, I get to see my friends and family that I don't normally get to see, and then there is always my favorite party the gifts!”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ My favorite season would have to be spring because one of my favorite holidays, which is St. Patrick's Day, and then there is my birthday, the weather is just right, and there are so many fun and cool activities that you can do.”)

Content & Development

Very effective content and development are contained in this essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully using a wide variety of appropriate details as support.

The content in the body paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“Last but not least I love spring because of all the new and fun activities that you can do. You can start swimming again. Swimming is one of my favorite sports and I love to swim so I'm so happy when spring comes around because I've been waiting all winter to get to swim and finally I get to. Also when I go to high school at Mainland I'm going to try out for the swim team because I love to swim it makes me happy when I get to swim. But not only do you get to swim you can do other sports to like, soccer, baseball, volleyball, and cheerleading. Spring is when all the tryouts normally start because its not too hot but its not too cold to do things like jogging, swimming, or throwing people in the air. That's another reason why spring is my favorite season.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (“To start off, spring is my favorite season because my two most favorite things happen. One is St. Patrick's Day and the second is my birthday. My family has a little bit of Irish in it so it's always a party on St. Patrick's Day. St. Patrick's Day is just two days before my birthday so what normally happens is that I just have my birthday party when my mom and the family have the St. Patrick's Day party. So it's just a big celebration at my house during March. But its okay because there is tons of great food, I get to see my friends and family that I don't normally get to see, and then there is always my favorite party the gifts! The best part, besides the gifts, is when we gather around the table to eat. My mom makes all kinds of food. She makes pies, casseroles, hamburgers, hot dogs, chicken, steak, ham, turkey, macaroni and cheese, salads, and tons of other great dishes. When we sit down to eat my mom makes us pray for our food and all the great things in our lives and most of the time we go around and everyone says one thing that they are grateful of. Its nice to hear that, because most likely everyone expect for the odd balls say that they are grateful just to be with there family and to be surrounded by people that love them. Then after we eat I get to open all my gifts from all my family and friends, and I don't care if its not something that I wanted to me its the thought that counts! That's only one reason why spring is my favorite season.”)

Specific information about why spring is the writer’s favorite season is developed very effectively. (“Next spring is my favorite season because of the weather and all the animals. When spring starts you can tell just by the weather. It starts to get cooler and you can start going to the beach again, not like you can't during winter. The weather is not too hot but its not too cold either, it seems to be just right. It just warm enough to start wearing your summer clothes and to wear your winter clothes also. Then there is the animals, the animals, some of them, are coming out of hibernation. They start looking for food. If you have ever been in a forest or in the mountains when its spring you can see little animal paw prints in the sand and dirt and it is very cool because you get to try and find out what kind of animal made those prints. Another reason why I love spring is because you can start gardening. My grandmother and I love to garden together. Its one of those times where we get to bond and spend quality time together. My grandmother is my favorite person so I cherish those times we spend together out in our garden that we had made over the last couple of years. That's another reason why I love spring.”)

Organization

Very effective organization is seen in the essay. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, effective use of paragraphing, and effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ Imagine running though a field of daisies in the middle of spring with the cool breeze blowing against your face, the soft crisp grass crunching under your toes, and the birds sitting way up high in the nest singing a beautiful song. My favorite season would have to be spring because one of my favorite holidays, which is St. Patrick's Day, and then there is my birthday, the weather is just right, and there are so many fun and cool activities that you can do.”)

The introduction ends with a very effective thesis statement. (“ My favorite season would have to be spring because one of my favorite holidays, which is St. Patrick's Day, and then there is my birthday, the weather is just right, and there are so many fun and cool activities that you can do.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ To start off, spring is my favorite season because my two most favorite things happen. …Next spring is my favorite season because of the weather and all the animals. …Last but not least I love spring because of all the new and fun activities that you can do.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay displays very effective use of language and style. The writing demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience; well-structured and varied sentences are used as well.

The descriptive language and tone are consistent. (“ Imagine running though a field of daisies in the middle of spring with the cool breeze blowing against your face, the soft crisp grass crunching under your toes, and the birds sitting way up high in the nest singing a beautiful song. My favorite season would have to be spring because one of my favorite holidays, which is St. Patrick's Day, and then there is my birthday, the weather is just right, and there are so many fun and cool activities that you can do. …To start off, spring is my favorite season because my two most favorite things happen. One is St. Patrick's Day and the second is my birthday. My family has a little bit of Irish in it so it's always a party on St. Patrick's Day. St. Patrick's Day is just two days before my birthday so what normally happens is that I just have my birthday party when my mom and the family have the St. Patrick's Day party. So it's just a big celebration at my house during March. But its okay because there is tons of great food, I get to see my friends and family that I don't normally get to see, and then there is always my favorite party the gifts! The best part, besides the gifts, is when we gather around the table to eat. My mom makes all kinds of food. She makes pies, casseroles, hamburgers, hot dogs, chicken, steak, ham, turkey, macaroni and cheese, salads, and tons of other great dishes.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the second and third body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the thesis statement of the essay. (“ Next spring is my favorite season because of the weather and all the animals. When spring starts you can tell just by the weather. It starts to get cooler and you can start going to the beach again, not like you can't during winter. The weather is not too hot but its not too cold either, it seems to be just right. It just warm enough to start wearing your summer clothes and to wear your winter clothes also. Then there is the animals, the animals, some of them, are coming out of hibernation. They start looking for food. If you have ever been in a forest or in the mountains when its spring you can see little animal paw prints in the sand and dirt and it is very cool because you get to try and find out what kind of animal made those prints. Another reason why I love spring is because you can start gardening. My grandmother and I love to garden together. Its one of those times where we get to bond and spend quality time together. My grandmother is my favorite person, so I cherish those times we spend together out in our garden that we had made over the last couple of years. That's another reason why I love spring. …Last but not least I love spring because of all the new and fun activities that you can do. You can start swimming again. Swimming is one of my favorite sports and I love to swim so I'm so happy when spring comes around because I've been waiting all winter to get to swim and finally I get to. Also when I go to high school at Mainland I'm going to try out for the swim team because I love to swim it makes me happy when I get to swim. But not only do you get to swim you can do other sports to like, soccer, baseball, volleyball, and cheerleading. Spring is when all the tryouts normally start because its not too hot but its not too cold to do things like jogging, swimming, or throwing people in the air. That's another reason why spring is my favorite season.”)

The following compound sentence is used effectively: “ My grandmother is my favorite person, so I cherish those times we spend together out in our garden that we had made over the last couple of years.”

Mechanics & Conventions

Very effective control of mechanics and conventions is found in the essay. Few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling exist. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ Imagine running though a field of daisies in the middle of spring with the cool breeze blowing against your face, the soft crisp grass crunching under your toes, and the birds sitting way up high in the nest singing a beautiful song.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

SPLASH!!! Imagine the ice cold water of a pool go right past you but you enjoy being stung by the freezing cold water because it is a hot Summer day. My favorite season is Summer and I will explain my myriad reasons for that choice. For example there is the 4th of July with all the great things included with it. Also the weather and nature that occurs during Summer. Also every fun activity possible (there are myriad ones that would take almost 50 pages to put it all in).

My favorite Summer holiday is the 4th of July. First off is the food which is everything that is used in picnics (potato salad) or is patriotic (hot dogs and hamburgers). We go to a place with friends and family to watch fire works because it is fun. I saved the best for last and that would be FIREWORKS, they just explode in shining colors (one of these years I'll be deaf but because of fun times on the 4th of July.

Now for the nature and weather to come right up now. Now you all know about the heat that is weather and it is humid in Florida (it is so humid you drown in the air but the heat makes it less thick than Spring humidity). Also rain comes which also brings our enemy Hurricane season up (this is my least favorite season). But down here in Florida the birds have left us and we have hardly any out of the myriad that were there before (Spring sucks because the birds leave for the North and leaves us like a person would leave chopped liver). There are down sides in Summer but more upsides.

Here comes everyone's favorite part the activities. First off we have swimming in the cold pools (stay away from ponds unless you live in the North, the stole our birds and can swim in ponds, not fair). Now here is everyone's favorite and it is vacation, I go to Massachusetts every year (I get to see the stolen birds and swim in ponds, yay). There are also the games or sports such as bofing (fighting with foam swords), kick the can (it is more than kicking a can), man hunt (nightime only), and myriad more (that is not a game). That is all fun and excellent, but I need to move along.

Now you know some of my myriad reasons for selecting Summer as my favorite season. First off is the 4th of July with all it's delightful pleasures. Secondly is weather and nature and I like heat just not drowning in humidity. Finally I love all the fun activities like swimming, vacation, and games. Now you know all my reasons for liking Summer and now I come to an end.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are conveyed in this essay. The writer establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea, demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes most parts of the task.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by using an interesting statement or question in the beginning of the introduction. (“ SPLASH!!! Imagine the ice cold water of a pool go right past you but you enjoy being stung by the freezing cold water because it is a hot Summer day. My favorite season is Summer and I will explain my myriad reasons for that choice. For example there is the 4th of July with all the great things included with it. Also the weather and nature that occurs during Summer. Also every fun activity possible (there are myriad ones that would take almost 50 pages to put it all in).”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central idea. (“ My favorite Summer holiday is the 4th of July. First off is the food which is everything that is used in picnics (potato salad) or is patriotic (hot dogs and hamburgers). We go to a place with friends and family to watch fire works because it is fun. I saved the best for last and that would be FIREWORKS, they just explode in shining colors (one of these years I'll be deaf but because of fun times on the 4th of July.”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about why summer is the writer’s favorite season. (“ Here comes everyone's favorite part the activities. First off we have swimming in the cold pools (stay away from ponds unless you live in the North, the stole our birds and can swim in ponds, not fair). Now here is everyone's favorite and it is vacation, I go to Massachusetts every year (I get to see the stolen birds and swim in ponds, yay). There are also the games or sports such as bofing (fighting with foam swords), kick the can (it is more than kicking a can), man hunt (nightime only), and myriad more (that is not a game). That is all fun and excellent but I need to move along.”)

Content & Development

Content and development seen within this essay are good. Ideas are developed clearly using sufficient appropriate details as support.

The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“Here comes everyone's favorite part the activities. First off we have swimming in the cold pools (stay away from ponds unless you live in the North, the stole our birds and can swim in ponds, not fair). Now here is everyone's favorite and it is vacation, I go to Massachusetts every year (I get to see the stolen birds and swim in ponds, yay). There are also the games or sports such as bofing (fighting with foam swords), kick the can (it is more than kicking a can), man hunt (nightime only), and myriad more (that is not a game). That is all fun and excellent but I need to move along.”)

The details included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“Now for the nature and weather to come right up now. Now you all know about the heat that is weather and it is humid in Florida (it is so humid you drown in the air but the heat makes it less thick than Spring humidity). Also rain comes which also brings our enemy Hurricane season up (this is my least favorite season). But down here in Florida the birds have left us and we have hardly any out of the myriad that were there before (Spring sucks because the birds leave for the North and leaves us like a person would leave chopped liver). There are down sides in Summer but more upsides.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“ My favorite Summer holiday is the 4th of July. First off is the food which is everything that is used in picnics (potato salad) or is patriotic (hot dogs and hamburgers). We go to a place with friends and family to watch fire works because it is fun. I saved the best for last and that would be FIREWORKS, they just explode in shining colors (one of these years I'll be deaf but because of fun times on the 4th of July.”)

Organization

The essay is characterized by good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and consistent use of transitional devices.

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ SPLASH!!! Imagine the ice cold water of a pool go right past you but you enjoy being stung by the freezing cold water because it is a hot Summer day. My favorite season is Summer and I will explain my myriad reasons for that choice. For example there is the 4th of July with all the great things included with it. Also the weather and nature that occurs during Summer. Also every fun activity possible (there are myriad ones that would take almost 50 pages to put it all in).”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ First off we have swimming in the cold pools (stay away from ponds unless you live in the North, the stole our birds and can swim in ponds, not fair). Now here is everyone's favorite and it is vacation, I go to Massachusetts every year (I get to see the stolen birds and swim in ponds, yay).”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion. (“ Now you know some of my myriad reasons for selecting Summer as my favorite season. First off is the 4th of July with all it's delightful pleasures. Secondly is weather and nature and I like heat just not drowning in humidity. Finally I love all the fun activities like swimming, vacation, and games. Now you know all my reasons for liking Summer and now I come to an end.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in this essay is good. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; well-structured sentences with some variety are seen as well.

The enthusiastic language and tone are consistent. (“ SPLASH!!! Imagine the ice cold water of a pool go right past you but you enjoy being stung by the freezing cold water because it is a hot Summer day. My favorite season is Summer and I will explain my myriad reasons for that choice. For example there is the 4th of July with all the great things included with it. Also the weather and nature that occurs during Summer. Also every fun activity possible (there are myriad ones that would take almost 50 pages to put it all in).”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the first and second body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ My favorite Summer holiday is the 4th of July. First off is the food which is everything that is used in picnics (potato salad) or is patriotic (hot dogs and hamburgers). We go to a place with friends and family to watch fire works because it is fun. I saved the best for last and that would be FIREWORKS, they just explode in shining colors (one of these years I'll be deaf but because of fun times on the 4th of July. …Now for the nature and weather to come right up now. Now you all know about the heat that is weather and it is humid in Florida (it is so humid you drown in the air but the heat makes it less thick than Spring humidity). Also rain comes which also brings our enemy Hurricane season up (this is my least favorite season). But down here in Florida the birds have left us and we have hardly any out of the myriad that were there before (Spring sucks because the birds leave for the North and leaves us like a person would leave chopped liver). There are down sides in Summer but more upsides.”)

The following compound sentence is used effectively: “ That is all fun and excellent, but I need to move along.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions in this essay. Few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling do not interfere with the message. For example, m ost sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ Imagine the ice cold water of a pool go right past you but you enjoy being stung by the freezing cold water because it is a hot Summer day. My favorite season is Summer and I will explain my myriad reasons for that choice.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Everybody has a favorite season. For some people, it is summer because of summer vacation or the nice sunny days to go swimming. Some people like spring because the weather is nice and cool. Fall because of all the wonderful colors. Last but not least, winter because of the wonderful snow and most importantly, Christmas!

My favorite season, of all seasons is winter. I absolutely love winter because of going to the mountains and seeing the white blanket of snow on the mountains. My favorite part of winter is Christmas! Christmas is great because you get presents and you can spend more quality time with your family. Winter is such a wonderful time of year because everyone can get a break from working and the family can all gather up for Christmas. I love seeing my family and I bet everyone else does too. Winter is great and bet everyone else enjoys it too.

What I love doing in winter is going to the Mammoth Mountain and snowboarding down the slopes. Then after a good day of snowboarding, I go back to my hotel and just stay and relax in front of a fire.

I wish it was winter all the time so I can go up to the mountains and enjoy the slopes. I can also meet up with my family. I just cannot wait for winter to come again this year, and I hope everyone else enjoys it too.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates adequate focus and meaning in this essay. He/she establishes a controlling idea, demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes many parts of the task.

The thesis statement states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. (“ I absolutely love winter because of going to the mountains and seeing the white blanket of snow on the mountains.”)

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. (“Everybody has a favorite season. For some people, it is summer because of summer vacation or the nice sunny days to go swimming. Some people like spring because the weather is nice and cool. Fall because of all the wonderful colors. Last but not least, winter because of the wonderful snow and most importantly, Christmas!”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“ My favorite season, of all seasons is winter. I absolutely love winter because of going to the mountains and seeing the white blanket of snow on the mountains. My favorite part of winter is Christmas! Christmas is great because you get presents and you can spend more quality time with your family. Winter is such a wonderful time of year because everyone can get a break from working and the family can all gather up for Christmas.”)

Content & Development

The essay consists of adequate content and development. The writer develops ideas adequately using sufficient details for support.

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“My favorite season, of all seasons is winter. I absolutely love winter because of going to the mountains and seeing the white blanket of snow on the mountains. My favorite part of winter is Christmas! Christmas is great because you get presents and you can spend more quality time with your family. Winter is such a wonderful time of year because everyone can get a break from working and the family can all gather up for Christmas. I love seeing my family and I bet everyone else does too. Winter is great and bet everyone else enjoys it too.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“My favorite season, of all seasons is winter. I absolutely love winter because of going to the mountains and seeing the white blanket of snow on the mountains. My favorite part of winter is Christmas! Christmas is great because you get presents and you can spend more quality time with your family. Winter is such a wonderful time of year because everyone can get a break from working and the family can all gather up for Christmas. I love seeing my family and I bet everyone else does too. Winter is great and bet everyone else enjoys it too.”)

The essay includes examples, facts, brief narratives or explanations about each of the main ideas. (“My favorite season, of all seasons is winter. I absolutely love winter because of going to the mountains and seeing the white blanket of snow on the mountains. My favorite part of winter is Christmas! Christmas is great because you get presents and you can spend more quality time with your family. Winter is such a wonderful time of year because everyone can get a break from working and the family can all gather up for Christmas. I love seeing my family and I bet everyone else does too. Winter is great and bet everyone else enjoys it too.”)

Organization

The essay shows evidence of adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, inconsistent use of paragraphing, and inconsistent use of transitional devices.

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Everybody has a favorite season. For some people, it is summer because of summer vacation or the nice sunny days to go swimming. Some people like spring because the weather is nice and cool. Fall because of all the wonderful colors. Last but not least, winter because of the wonderful snow and most importantly, Christmas!”)

The introduction includes adequate background information about the topic. (“ Everybody has a favorite season. For some people, it is summer because of summer vacation or the nice sunny days to go swimming. Some people like spring because the weather is nice and cool. Fall because of all the wonderful colors. Last but not least, winter because of the wonderful snow and most importantly, Christmas!”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“ I wish it was winter all the time so I can go up to the mountains and enjoy the slopes. I can also meet up with my family. I just cannot wait for winter to come again this year, and I hope everyone else enjoys it too.”)

Language Use & Style

Adequate use of language and style is apparent in this essay. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice; correct sentence structure with some variety is also generally used.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ Everybody has a favorite season. For some people, it is summer because of summer vacation or the nice sunny days to go swimming. Some people like spring because the weather is nice and cool. Fall because of all the wonderful colors. Last but not least, winter because of the wonderful snow and most importantly, Christmas!”)

Exact and specific words, such as “season” and “winter” from the prompt task, are used adequately. (“ My favorite season, of all seasons is winter.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor; the writer uses the term “gather up,” and “I bet” is used twice. (“ Winter is such a wonderful time of year because everyone can get a break from working and the family can all gather up for Christmas. I love seeing my family and I bet everyone else does too. Winter is great and bet everyone else enjoys it too.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates adequate control of mechanics and conventions in the essay. Some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ My favorite season, of all seasons is winter. I absolutely love winter because of going to the mountains and seeing the white blanket of snow on the mountains. My favorite part of winter is Christmas! Christmas is great because you get presents and you can spend more quality time with your family.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

My favrite season is probaly the hottest season. For me the greatest season.The name ofmy favrite season is Summer.

The reason Summer is my favrite season is because it is hot so I can go to the beach and make sand castles. Also cause I can go to swimming.The other reason is because I can take a break from school. Also because my mom and I always go walking to the park and she always dose barbecues.

I like Summer because everythings nice and nobody worries about school and because the flowers smell nice. And l and look nice too. I like Summer cause youcan just hang out with your family.For instance you and your famliy can light fireworks togther. Or you and your famliy can have a barbecue or picnic or have a get togther.

Thats is why Summer is my favrite season.And why it will never change.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay shows evidence of limited focus and meaning. The writer establishes a controlling idea but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience and completes only some parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“The reason Summer is my favrite season is because it is hot so I can go to the beach and make sand castles. Also cause I can go to swimming.The other reason is because I can take a break from school. Also because my mom and I always go walking to the park and she always dose barbecues.”)

The essay states a limited central idea. (“My favrite season is probaly the hottest season. For me the greatest season.The name ofmy favrite season is Summer.”)

In the introduction, only a limited supporting idea of the essay is stated. (“My favrite season is probaly the hottest season. For me the greatest season.The name ofmy favrite season is Summer.”)

Content & Development

Content and development provided within the essay are limited. Ideas are developed briefly and inconsistently using insufficient details as support.

The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“The reason Summer is my favrite season is because it is hot so I can go to the beach and make sand castles. Also cause I can go to swimming.The other reason is because I can take a break from school. Also because my mom and I always go walking to the park and she always dose barbecues.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“I like Summer because everythings nice and nobody worries about school and because the flowers smell nice. And l and look nice too. I like Summer cause youcan just hang out with your family.For instance you and your famliy can light fireworks togther. Or you and your famliy can have a barbecue or picnic or have a get togther.”)

The writer does not include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“The reason Summer is my favrite season is because it is hot so I can go to the beach and make sand castles. Also cause I can go to swimming.The other reason is because I can take a break from school. Also because my mom and I always go walking to the park and she always dose barbecues.”)

Organization

The essay is structured using limited organization. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, lacks paragraphing, and lacks some transitional devices.

The introduction attempts to include a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ The name ofmy favrite season is Summer.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are needed. (“ The reason Summer is my favrite season is because it is hot so I can go to the beach and make sand castles. …I like Summer because everythings nice and nobody worries about school and because the flowers smell nice.”)

The conclusion attempts to teach readers a lesson. (“ Thats is why Summer is my favrite season.And why it will never change.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style appears to be limited. The writing demonstrates simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and a reliance on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ Thats is why Summer is my favrite season.And why it will never change.”)

Exact words are missing, as seen in the following fragment: “ For me the greatest season.”

There is repetition; “because” is repeated several times in the first body paragraph. (“ The reason Summer is my favrite season is because it is hot so I can go to the beach and make sand castles. Also cause I can go to swimming.The other reason is because I can take a break from school. Also because my mom and I always go walking to the park and she always dose barbecues.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Limited control of mechanics and conventions is apparent in the essay. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message.

For example, the writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ I like Summer because everythings nice and nobody worries about school and because the flowers smell nice. And l and look nice too. I like Summer cause youcan just hang out with your family.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

BURR!!!!! the thermomoter is at 13 degreese and your about to go and sit in a deer stand for 4 hours and freeze your tail off,but thats what i love about winter. i like winter because there are so many fun things to do in winter such as hunt,ski, snow board, jump in snow drifts, and my favorite ice marathons.plus like winter because when its cold you can cover up and protect your self but when its hot you candt do any thing to cool your self down.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay exhibits minimal focus and meaning. It suggests a controlling idea but demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience while completing few parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“BURR!!!!! the thermomoter is at 13 degreese and your about to go and sit in a deer stand for 4 hours and freeze your tail off,but thats what i love about winter. i like winter because there are so many fun things to do in winter such as hunt,ski, snow board, jump in snow drifts, and my favorite ice marathons.plus like winter because when its cold you can cover up and protect your self but when its hot you candt do any thing to cool your self down.”)

The central idea of the essay is not stated. (“BURR!!!!! the thermomoter is at 13 degreese and your about to go and sit in a deer stand for 4 hours and freeze your tail off,but thats what i love about winter. i like winter because there are so many fun things to do in winter such as hunt,ski, snow board, jump in snow drifts, and my favorite ice marathons.plus like winter because when its cold you can cover up and protect your self but when its hot you candt do any thing to cool your self down.”)

In the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is not stated. (“BURR!!!!! the thermomoter is at 13 degreese and your about to go and sit in a deer stand for 4 hours and freeze your tail off,but thats what i love about winter. i like winter because there are so many fun things to do in winter such as hunt,ski, snow board, jump in snow drifts, and my favorite ice marathons.plus like winter because when its cold you can cover up and protect your self but when its hot you candt do any thing to cool your self down.”)

Content & Development

The essay consists of minimal content and development. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately using few details for support.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. (“BURR!!!!! the thermomoter is at 13 degreese and your about to go and sit in a deer stand for 4 hours and freeze your tail off,but thats what i love about winter. i like winter because there are so many fun things to do in winter such as hunt,ski, snow board, jump in snow drifts, and my favorite ice marathons.plus like winter because when its cold you can cover up and protect your self but when its hot you candt do any thing to cool your self down.”)

The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“BURR!!!!! the thermomoter is at 13 degreese and your about to go and sit in a deer stand for 4 hours and freeze your tail off,but thats what i love about winter. i like winter because there are so many fun things to do in winter such as hunt,ski, snow board, jump in snow drifts, and my favorite ice marathons.plus like winter because when its cold you can cover up and protect your self but when its hot you candt do any thing to cool your self down.”)

Details are minimally used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“BURR!!!!! the thermomoter is at 13 degreese and your about to go and sit in a deer stand for 4 hours and freeze your tail off,but thats what i love about winter. i like winter because there are so many fun things to do in winter such as hunt,ski, snow board, jump in snow drifts, and my favorite ice marathons.plus like winter because when its cold you can cover up and protect your self but when its hot you candt do any thing to cool your self down.”)

Organization

Minimal organization is apparent in this essay. It demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion, as well as little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The introduction does little to include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“BURR!!!!! the thermomoter is at 13 degreese and your about to go and sit in a deer stand for 4 hours and freeze your tail off,but thats what i love about winter. i like winter because there are so many fun things to do in winter such as hunt,ski, snow board, jump in snow drifts, and my favorite ice marathons.plus like winter because when its cold you can cover up and protect your self but when its hot you candt do any thing to cool your self down.”)

There is little evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“BURR!!!!! the thermomoter is at 13 degreese and your about to go and sit in a deer stand for 4 hours and freeze your tail off,but thats what i love about winter. i like winter because there are so many fun things to do in winter such as hunt,ski, snow board, jump in snow drifts, and my favorite ice marathons.plus like winter because when its cold you can cover up and protect your self but when its hot you candt do any thing to cool your self down.”)

The essay does little to include a strong conclusion or any conclusion at all. (“BURR!!!!! the thermomoter is at 13 degreese and your about to go and sit in a deer stand for 4 hours and freeze your tail off,but thats what i love about winter. i like winter because there are so many fun things to do in winter such as hunt,ski, snow board, jump in snow drifts, and my favorite ice marathons.plus like winter because when its cold you can cover up and protect your self but when its hot you candt do any thing to cool your self down.”)

Language Use & Style

Language use and style within this essay are minimal. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Exact words are missing, such as the word “I” in the following sentence: “ plus like winter because when its cold you can cover up and protect your self but when its hot you candt do any thing to cool your self down.”

Transitions are needed. (“BURR!!!!! the thermomoter is at 13 degreese and your about to go and sit in a deer stand for 4 hours and freeze your tail off,but thats what i love about winter. i like winter because there are so many fun things to do in winter such as hunt,ski, snow board, jump in snow drifts, and my favorite ice marathons.plus like winter because when its cold you can cover up and protect your self but when its hot you candt do any thing to cool your self down.”)

The style is not formal. (“ BURR!!!!! the thermomoter is at 13 degreese and your about to go and sit in a deer stand for 4 hours and freeze your tail off,but thats what i love about winter.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer conveys minimal control of the mechanics and conventions of formal writing. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ the thermomoter is at 13 degreese and your about to go and sit in a deer stand for 4 hours and freeze your tail off,but thats what i love about winter. i like winter because there are so many fun things to do in winter such as hunt,ski, snow board, jump in snow drifts, and my favorite ice marathons.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

my faveret season is winter beause the activities,wether and holadays. some activities are snow bording and snow ball fights.the wether in wenter is fun. it's allwayes cold in winter.it's some times not. we have alote of holadays. christmas is a holaday whar we open presents. the day befor christmas eave.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of this essay are inadequate. It fails to establish a controlling idea and demonstrates no understanding of purpose and audience; no parts of the task are completed.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“my faveret season is winter beause the activities,wether and holadays. some activities are snow bording and snow ball fights.the wether in wenter is fun. it's allwayes cold in winter.it's some times not. we have alote of holadays. christmas is a holaday whar we open presents. the day befor christmas eave.”)

The essay does not state the central idea of the essay. (“my faveret season is winter beause the activities,wether and holadays. some activities are snow bording and snow ball fights.the wether in wenter is fun. it's allwayes cold in winter.it's some times not. we have alote of holadays. christmas is a holaday whar we open presents. the day befor christmas eave.”)

In the introduction, the supporting idea of the essay is not stated. (“my faveret season is winter beause the activities,wether and holadays. some activities are snow bording and snow ball fights.the wether in wenter is fun. it's allwayes cold in winter.it's some times not. we have alote of holadays. christmas is a holaday whar we open presents. the day befor christmas eave.”)

Content & Development

Content and development are inadequate. This brief essay fails to develop ideas, using no details as support.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central idea of the essay. (“my faveret season is winter beause the activities,wether and holadays. some activities are snow bording and snow ball fights.the wether in wenter is fun. it's allwayes cold in winter.it's some times not. we have alote of holadays. christmas is a holaday whar we open presents. the day befor christmas eave.”)

At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. (“my faveret season is winter beause the activities,wether and holadays. some activities are snow bording and snow ball fights.the wether in wenter is fun. it's allwayes cold in winter.it's some times not. we have alote of holadays. christmas is a holaday whar we open presents. the day befor christmas eave.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“my faveret season is winter beause the activities,wether and holadays. some activities are snow bording and snow ball fights.the wether in wenter is fun. it's allwayes cold in winter.it's some times not. we have alote of holadays. christmas is a holaday whar we open presents. the day befor christmas eave.”)

Organization

Inadequate organization is clearly detected in this essay. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure, no introduction or conclusion, and no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“my faveret season is winter beause the activities,wether and holadays. some activities are snow bording and snow ball fights.the wether in wenter is fun. it's allwayes cold in winter.it's some times not. we have alote of holadays. christmas is a holaday whar we open presents. the day befor christmas eave.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“my faveret season is winter beause the activities,wether and holadays. some activities are snow bording and snow ball fights.the wether in wenter is fun. it's allwayes cold in winter.it's some times not. we have alote of holadays. christmas is a holaday whar we open presents. the day befor christmas eave.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion or any conclusion at all. (“my faveret season is winter beause the activities,wether and holadays. some activities are snow bording and snow ball fights.the wether in wenter is fun. it's allwayes cold in winter.it's some times not. we have alote of holadays. christmas is a holaday whar we open presents. the day befor christmas eave.”)

Language Use & Style

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ the wether in wenter is fun. it's allwayes cold in winter.it's some times not. we have alote of holadays.”)

Exact words are missing, such as the word “of” in the following sentence: “ my faveret season is winter beause the activities,wether and holadays.”

Transitions are needed. (“my faveret season is winter beause the activities,wether and holadays. some activities are snow bording and snow ball fights.the wether in wenter is fun. it's allwayes cold in winter.it's some times not. we have alote of holadays. christmas is a holaday whar we open presents. the day befor christmas eave.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Inadequate control of mechanics and conventions is apparent in the essay. Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“my faveret season is winter beause the activities,wether and holadays. some activities are snow bording and snow ball fights.the wether in wenter is fun.”)

Science Week

It is Science Week at your school. Think about a science topic you are interested in. Write a report about this science topic. Before you begin to write think about why the topic is important and be sure to include facts in your report, not just your own opinions. Remember you want to teach your classmates about this topic.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

After about a day, balloons lose their shine. I was out of ideas on what to get for my mom's birthday present, and it was the day of her birthday. My brother and I were walking around King Street to brainstorm. We were walking down the street when we passed a balloon sculpture through a glass window. It hit us that we could get her a balloon, in some kind of shape. We went into the store, Flyin' Hawaiian Balloons and looked through the catalog. The balloon flowers were really nice and the cheapest one they had (Cheap meaning twenty-five dollars). Our mom loved it and it was a nice touch to the room. It was nice and had that shiny sheen to it. A day passed and the shininess was gone. It doesn't look as nice without that shine. I look into the past when I had balloons. They all met the same fate of losing it's gleam. It made me wonder exactly how long it takes for balloons to become dull and lose their shine.

Party balloons are made up of a natural latex from rubber trees. These are the normal, almost spherical shaped balloons most commonly used. Latex is biodegradable so it begins to oxidize and start to look "cloudy". To stop it from getting that way we have to find a way to reduce the oxidation. To help prevent it, you can obviously stick it in a plastic bag, but what if the balloon is too big for a bag. Even if you did have a bag that big, it wouldn't look nice in a plastic bag. Oxidation increases when the weather is hot and humid. Another method is to stick the balloons in the refrigerator, but that just sounds really stupid. Simply leave the balloon alone with little handling can help a tiny bit as well.

A more reasonable and doable method is to see if the balloon has any powder inside of it. Some balloons have a small layer of powder inside. If you wash or rinse it out, it will stay shiny longer. The down side is that the sheen doesn't last long, but still longer than just leaving it. This doesn't decrease oxidation.

People have created spray chemicals just to make the balloons keep their shine. The problem is that you have to put the chemicals inside of the balloons and they dry and can't expand like the latex does in the sun. When the balloons pop and the chemical isn't dry, it splatters all over the place. It's not really worth the money to have the balloon pop and cleaning a huge mess. You don't have to special order for them. You can use silicone lubricant. Wal-Mart sells it in their automotive section. Users have said that it keeps the balloons shiny ten times longer than if you just leave it alone.

I think there is a better and easier way to keep balloons shiny. With testing out different household items I'm sure I can find a way to keep balloons nice and shiny the way balloons should be. I don't want to spend another twenty-five dollars on a balloon sculpture and have it get all dull and cloudy looking. Cloudy things make people depressed and balloons should be making people happy.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea, demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes all parts of the task, even going beyond the limits of the task.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by very effectively using an interesting statement or a question in the beginning of the introduction. (“ After about a day, balloons lose their shine. I was out of ideas on what to get for my mom's birthday present, and it was the day of her birthday. My brother and I were walking around King Street to brainstorm. We were walking down the street when we passed a balloon sculpture through a glass window. It hit us that we could get her a balloon, in some kind of shape. We went into the store, Flyin' Hawaiian Balloons and looked through the catalog. The balloon flowers were really nice and the cheapest one they had (Cheap meaning twenty-five dollars). Our mom loved it and it was a nice touch to the room. It was nice and had that shiny sheen to it. A day passed and the shininess was gone. It doesn't look as nice without that shine. I look into the past when I had balloons. They all met the same fate of losing it's gleam. It made me wonder exactly how long it takes for balloons to become dull and lose their shine.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central or controlling idea very effectively. (“ Party balloons are made up of a natural latex from rubber trees. These are the normal, almost spherical shaped balloons most commonly used. Latex is biodegradable so it begins to oxidize and start to look ‘cloudy’. To stop it from getting that way we have to find a way to reduce the oxidation. To help prevent it, you can obviously stick it in a plastic bag, but what if the balloon is too big for a bag. Even if you did have a bag that big, it wouldn't look nice in a plastic bag. Oxidation increases when the weather is hot and humid. Another method is to stick the balloons in the refrigerator, but that just sounds really stupid. Simply leave the balloon alone with little handling can help a tiny bit as well.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ It made me wonder exactly how long it takes for balloons to become dull and lose their shine.”)

Content & Development

Very effective content and development are found in this essay. Ideas are developed fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details as support.

The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“People have created spray chemicals just to make the balloons keep their shine. The problem is that you have to put the chemicals inside of the balloons and they dry and can't expand like the latex does in the sun. When the balloons pop and the chemical isn't dry, it splatters all over the place. It's not really worth the money to have the balloon pop and cleaning a huge mess. You don't have to special order for them. You can use silicone lubricant. Wal-Mart sells it in their automotive section. Users have said that it keeps the balloons shiny ten times longer than if you just leave it alone.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (“Party balloons are made up of a natural latex from rubber trees. These are the normal, almost spherical shaped balloons most commonly used. Latex is biodegradable so it begins to oxidize and start to look ‘cloudy’. To stop it from getting that way we have to find a way to reduce the oxidation. To help prevent it, you can obviously stick it in a plastic bag, but what if the balloon is too big for a bag. Even if you did have a bag that big, it wouldn't look nice in a plastic bag. Oxidation increases when the weather is hot and humid. Another method is to stick the balloons in the refrigerator, but that just sounds really stupid. Simply leave the balloon alone with little handling can help a tiny bit as well.”)

Specific information about the problem with using spray chemicals to enable balloons to keep their shine is developed very effectively. (“Party balloons are made up of a natural latex from rubber trees. These are the normal, almost spherical shaped balloons most commonly used. Latex is biodegradable so it begins to oxidize and start to look ‘cloudy’. To stop it from getting that way we have to find a way to reduce the oxidation. To help prevent it, you can obviously stick it in a plastic bag, but what if the balloon is too big for a bag. Even if you did have a bag that big, it wouldn't look nice in a plastic bag. Oxidation increases when the weather is hot and humid. Another method is to stick the balloons in the refrigerator, but that just sounds really stupid. Simply leave the balloon alone with little handling can help a tiny bit as well.”)

Organization

Very effective organization is shown in this essay. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, effective use of paragraphing, and effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ After about a day, balloons lose their shine. I was out of ideas on what to get for my mom's birthday present, and it was the day of her birthday. My brother and I were walking around King Street to brainstorm. We were walking down the street when we passed a balloon sculpture through a glass window. It hit us that we could get her a balloon, in some kind of shape. We went into the store, Flyin' Hawaiian Balloons and looked through the catalog. The balloon flowers were really nice and the cheapest one they had (Cheap meaning twenty-five dollars). Our mom loved it and it was a nice touch to the room. It was nice and had that shiny sheen to it. A day passed and the shininess was gone. It doesn't look as nice without that shine. I look into the past when I had balloons. They all met the same fate of losing it's gleam. It made me wonder exactly how long it takes for balloons to become dull and lose their shine.”)

The introduction includes very effective background information about the topic. (“ After about a day, balloons lose their shine. I was out of ideas on what to get for my mom's birthday present, and it was the day of her birthday. My brother and I were walking around King Street to brainstorm. We were walking down the street when we passed a balloon sculpture through a glass window. It hit us that we could get her a balloon, in some kind of shape. We went into the store, Flyin' Hawaiian Balloons and looked through the catalog. The balloon flowers were really nice and the cheapest one they had (Cheap meaning twenty-five dollars). Our mom loved it and it was a nice touch to the room. It was nice and had that shiny sheen to it. A day passed and the shininess was gone. It doesn't look as nice without that shine. I look into the past when I had balloons. They all met the same fate of losing it's gleam. It made me wonder exactly how long it takes for balloons to become dull and lose their shine.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ A more reasonable and doable method is to see if the balloon has any powder inside of it.”)

The conclusion very effectively teaches readers a lesson the writer learned after completing the essay. (“ I think there is a better and easier way to keep balloons shiny. With testing out different household items I'm sure I can find a way to keep balloons nice and shiny the way balloons should be. I don't want to spend another twenty-five dollars on a balloon sculpture and have it get all dull and cloudy looking. Cloudy things make people depressed and balloons should be making people happy.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay contains very effective use of language and style. The writing demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience; well-structured and varied sentences are also used.

The informative language and tone are consistent. (“ Party balloons are made up of a natural latex from rubber trees. These are the normal, almost spherical shaped balloons most commonly used. Latex is biodegradable so it begins to oxidize and start to look ‘cloudy’. To stop it from getting that way we have to find a way to reduce the oxidation. To help prevent it, you can obviously stick it in a plastic bag, but what if the balloon is too big for a bag. Even if you did have a bag that big, it wouldn't look nice in a plastic bag. Oxidation increases when the weather is hot and humid. Another method is to stick the balloons in the refrigerator, but that just sounds really stupid. Simply leave the balloon alone with little handling can help a tiny bit as well.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of first and second body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ Party balloons are made up of a natural latex from rubber trees. These are the normal, almost spherical shaped balloons most commonly used. Latex is biodegradable so it begins to oxidize and start to look ‘cloudy’. To stop it from getting that way we have to find a way to reduce the oxidation. To help prevent it, you can obviously stick it in a plastic bag, but what if the balloon is too big for a bag. Even if you did have a bag that big, it wouldn't look nice in a plastic bag. Oxidation increases when the weather is hot and humid. Another method is to stick the balloons in the refrigerator, but that just sounds really stupid. Simply leave the balloon alone with little handling can help a tiny bit as well. …A more reasonable and doable method is to see if the balloon has any powder inside of it. Some balloons have a small layer of powder inside. If you wash or rinse it out, it will stay shiny longer. The down side is that the sheen doesn't last long, but still longer than just leaving it. This doesn't decrease oxidation.”)

The following compound sentence is used effectively: “ I was out of ideas on what to get for my mom's birthday present, and it was the day of her birthday.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions in this essay. Few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling exist. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ People have created spray chemicals just to make the balloons keep their shine.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In this report, I'll tell you about three clouds called cirrus, nimbostratus and cumulonimbus. I hope you'll like it, so come on I'll tell you. There are three different levels of clouds, they are high, middle, and low. I told you the levels of the clouds and now, I'm going to tell you some information about these three main clouds.

The first cloud I'm going to talk about is cirrus. Cirrus is in a high level, it's also made up of ice crystals. Cirrus's related weather is quiet weather when there is absolutely no wind. It's the first sign of approaching storm or weather change. Cirrus appears as it detaches to form white bands or patches. And also, cirrus is threadlike and delicate. Cirrus can also mean fine weather continues. But the weather can also appear from the leading edge of a warm front. If the cirrus will increase to cover lots of the sky, wind and rain soon follow. It will also be drawn into filamints.

The next cloud I'm going to tell you about is nimbostratus. Nimbostratus can cover the sun or other higher clouds. It only forms when it's a warm weather. This cloud is on the middle level. It is made of water droplets, raindrops, snow crystals, and snow flakes. Nimbostratus is an interesting cloud because nimbostratus is made of different things that fall from the sky, such as water droplets, raindrops, snow crystals, and snow flakes. Nimbostratus is a widespread, it continues to rain or snow. Lastly, nimbostratus is a thick and dark blanket.

Finally, I'm going to talk about the largest thunder cloud. The name of that cloud is cumulonimbus. Cumulunimbus is on the very high level. It is also a dark and heavy cloud. Comulonimbus can stand by itself. And it's made of water droplets or maybe ice crystals on top. This cloud forms on hot, summer days with clear skies and no wind. It's related weather is a thunderstorm with heavy rain. Lastly, cumulonimbus's forecast is north wind when there's very cold weather.

In conclusion, I think clouds are important because without clouds, there will be no sunset or sunrise. We also need clouds for the following seasons, winter, spring, summer and fall. We need shade when it's very hot. Also when we play, we won't sweat too much when the clouds are out. Clouds help nature, and without them, we wouldn't be able to plant vegetables, fruits, flowers and trees. We need clouds to survive and without clouds, the sun might not stay out too long.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are apparent in this essay. The writer establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience, completing most parts of the task.

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central or controlling idea of describing three main types of clouds. (“ The next cloud I'm going to tell you about is nimbostratus. Nimbostratus can cover the sun or other higher clouds. It only forms when it's a warm weather. This cloud is on the middle level. It is made of water droplets, raindrops, snow crystals, and snow flakes. Nimbostratus is an interesting cloud because nimbostratus is made of different things that fall from the sky, such as water droplets, raindrops, snow crystals, and snow flakes. Nimbostratus is a widespread, it continues to rain or snow. Lastly, nimbostratus is a thick and dark blanket.”)

The language of the thesis fits the effective examples very well. (“ I told you the levels of the clouds and now, I'm going to tell you some information about these three main clouds.”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about three main types of clouds. (“ The first cloud I'm going to talk about is cirrus. Cirrus is in a high level, it’s also made up of ice crystals. Cirrus's related weather is quiet weather when there is absolutely no wind. It’s the first sign of approaching storm or weather change. Cirrus appears as it detaches to form white bands or patches. And also, cirrus is threadlike and delicate. Cirrus can also mean fine weather continues. But the weather can also appear from the leading edge of a warm front. If the cirrus will increase to cover lots of the sky, wind and rain soon follow. It will also be drawn into filamints.”)

Content & Development

Good content and development are contained within the essay. Ideas are developed clearly, using sufficient, appropriate details as support.

The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“The first cloud I'm going to talk about is cirrus. Cirrus is in a high level, it’s also made up of ice crystals. Cirrus's related weather is quiet weather when there is absolutely no wind. It’s the first sign of approaching storm or weather change. Cirrus appears as it detaches to form white bands or patches. And also, cirrus is threadlike and delicate. Cirrus can also mean fine weather continues. But the weather can also appear from the leading edge of a warm front. If the cirrus will increase to cover lots of the sky, wind and rain soon follow. It will also be drawn into filamints.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“The next cloud I'm going to tell you about is nimbostratus. Nimbostratus can cover the sun or other higher clouds. It only forms when it's a warm weather. This cloud is on the middle level. It is made of water droplets, raindrops, snow crystals, and snow flakes. Nimbostratus is an interesting cloud because nimbostratus is made of different things that fall from the sky, such as water droplets, raindrops, snow crystals, and snow flakes. Nimbostratus is a widespread, it continues to rain or snow. Lastly, nimbostratus is a thick and dark blanket.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“Finally, I’m going to talk about the largest thunder cloud. The name of that cloud is cumulonimbus. Cumulunimbus is on the very high level. It is also a dark and heavy cloud. Comulonimbus can stand by itself. And it's made of water droplets or maybe ice crystals on top. This cloud forms on hot, summer days with clear skies and no wind. It's related weather is a thunderstorm with heavy rain. Lastly, cumulonimbus's forecast is north wind when there's very cold weather.”)

Organization

The essay in question consists of good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and consistent use of transitional devices.

The introduction includes a good sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ In this report, I'll tell you about three clouds called cirrus, nimbostratus and cumulonimbus.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ Finally, I’m going to talk about the largest thunder cloud. …In conclusion, I think clouds are important because without clouds, there will be no sunset or sunrise.”)

The conclusion effectively teaches readers a lesson. (“ In conclusion, I think clouds are important because without clouds, there will be no sunset or sunrise. We also need clouds for the following seasons, winter, spring, summer and fall. We need shade when it's very hot. Also when we play, we won't sweat too much when the clouds are out. Clouds help nature and without them, we wouldn't be able to plant vegetables, fruits, flowers and trees. We need clouds to survive and without clouds, the sun might not stay out too long.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates good use of language and style. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; well-structured sentences with some variety are also seen.

The informative language and tone are consistent. (“ The first cloud I'm going to talk about is cirrus. Cirrus is in a high level, it's also made up of ice crystals. Cirrus's related weather is quiet weather when there is absolutely no wind. It's the first sign of approaching storm or weather change. Cirrus appears as it detaches to form white bands or patches. And also, cirrus is threadlike and delicate. Cirrus can also mean fine weather continues. But the weather can also appear from the leading edge of a warm front. If the cirrus will increase to cover lots of the sky, wind and rain soon follow. It will also be drawn into filamints.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the second and third body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point or thesis statement of the essay. (“ The next cloud I'm going to tell you about is nimbostratus. Nimbostratus can cover the sun or other higher clouds. It only forms when it's a warm weather. This cloud is on the middle level. It is made of water droplets, raindrops, snow crystals, and snow flakes. Nimbostratus is an interesting cloud because nimbostratus is made of different things that fall from the sky, such as water droplets, raindrops, snow crystals, and snow flakes. Nimbostratus is a widespread, it continues to rain or snow. Lastly, nimbostratus is a thick and dark blanket. …Finally, I'm going to talk about the largest thunder cloud. The name of that cloud is cumulonimbus. Cumulunimbus is on the very high level. It is also a dark and heavy cloud. Comulonimbus can stand by itself. And it's made of water droplets or maybe ice crystals on top. This cloud forms on hot, summer days with clear skies and no wind. It's related weather is a thunderstorm with heavy rain. Lastly, cumulonimbus's forecast is north wind when there's very cold weather.”)

The following compound sentence is used effectively: “ Clouds help nature, and without them, we wouldn't be able to plant vegetables, fruits, flowers and trees.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer of the essay maintains good control of mechanics and conventions. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, most sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ This cloud is on the middle level. It is made of water droplets, raindrops, snow crystals, and snow flakes.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Picture yourself lying down in a meadow. Have you ever wonder what kind of clouds that pass by? Here are several clouds I learned about.

The first cloud is a low cloud. It is smooth and featureless. They are low enough to block hills or tall buildings. This sheet cloud is made of small water droplets. They are bellow 5,000 feet with a light rain or drizzle. If you see this cloud it is a Stratus Cloud.

The next cloud is a middle cloud named Altocumulus. This cloud is a tiny,white,and a puffy cloud let. They look like dozens of little cotton balls in the sky. It is mainly made of water droplets. This cloud is 6,000 feet to 20,000 feet with summer thunder storms.

The last cloud is a high cloud named cirrostratus. This is a transparent, whitish cloud. If the sun or moon is surrounded by halo it means that the cloud is a cirrostratus cloud. It is made out of ice crystals with rain or snow. This cloud is above 20,000 feet.

Clouds are important because they help scientist predict the weather and without clouds, there will be no rain for farmer's crops. If there were no clouds then we wouldn't know if a storm is coming or not. Clouds are important in all kinds of ways. So if you ever see clouds in the sky you would know how high they are made and what their names are.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay contains adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes a controlling idea, demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes many parts of the task.

The thesis statement states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. (“Here are several clouds I learned about.”)

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. (“The last cloud is a high cloud named cirrostratus. This is a transparent, whitish cloud. If the sun or moon is surrounded by halo it means that the cloud is a cirrostratus cloud. It is made out of ice crystals with rain or snow. This cloud is above 20,000 feet.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“The first cloud is a low cloud. It is smooth and featureless. They are low enough to block hills or tall buildings. This sheet cloud is made of small water droplets. They are bellow 5,000 feet with a light rain or drizzle. If you see this cloud it is a Stratus Cloud.”)

Content & Development

The essay consists of adequate content and development. Ideas are developed adequately, using sufficient details for support.

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“The last cloud is a high cloud named cirrostratus. This is a transparent, whitish cloud. If the sun or moon is surrounded by halo it means that the cloud is a cirrostratus cloud. It is made out of ice crystals with rain or snow. This cloud is above 20,000 feet.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs support the thesis. (“ The first cloud is a low cloud. …The next cloud is a middle cloud named Altocumulus. …The last cloud is a high cloud named cirrostratus.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. (“The first cloud is a low cloud. It is smooth and featureless. They are low enough to block hills or tall buildings. This sheet cloud is made of small water droplets. They are bellow 5,000 feet with a light rain or drizzle. If you see this cloud it is a Stratus Cloud.”)

Organization

Adequate organization is shown in this student’s essay. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, inconsistent use of paragraphing, and inconsistent use of transitional devices.

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Picture yourself lying down in a meadow. Have you ever wonder what kind of clouds that pass by? Here are several clouds I learned about.”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“ Clouds are important because they help scientist predict the weather and without clouds, there will be no rain for farmer's crops. If there were no clouds then we wouldn't know if a storm is coming or not. Clouds are important in all kinds of ways. So if you ever see clouds in the sky you would know how high they are made and what their names are.”)

The conclusion adequately teaches readers a lesson. (“ Clouds are important because they help scientist predict the weather and without clouds, there will be no rain for farmer's crops. If there were no clouds then we wouldn't know if a storm is coming or not. Clouds are important in all kinds of ways. So if you ever see clouds in the sky you would know how high they are made and what their names are.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in this essay is adequate. Writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice; the writer also generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ Clouds are important because they help scientist predict the weather and without clouds, there will be no rain for farmer's crops. If there were no clouds then we wouldn't know if a storm is coming or not. Clouds are important in all kinds of ways. So if you ever see clouds in the sky you would know how high they are made and what their names are.”)

There is some creative language used. (“ Picture yourself lying down in a meadow. Have you ever wonder what kind of clouds that pass by?”)

Word choices are sometimes poor, as noted in the following example: “ This cloud is a tiny,white,and a puffy cloud let.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions within the essay is adequate. Some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ They are low enough to block hills or tall buildings. This sheet cloud is made of small water droplets. They are bellow 5,000 feet with a light rain or drizzle.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The solar system is important to us. If we didn't have the solar system we wouldn't be living right now. The solar system is full of billions of stars. Some stars are little, fat, and bright there are more different kinds. Pluto one of the nine planets is the smallest out of them. Uranus and Jupiter are the two largest planets out of nine. The solar system has no air. If you were to go into the solar system without any air tanks you would die.

The sun is the largest star.Don't ever get close to the surface of the sun you would start to burning to ash. The Earth is the only planet that has air. It has air because of the atmosphere. The Earth has living things too. Every planet has a different color becauseof rhe atmosphere. If the planet is red it's cold. If it's blue it's warm. If it's white it is second coldest. The solar system is important to have because we can find life on a planet one day. That's why we send Land Rovers to explore and dig on the planet's surfaces.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Limited focus and meaning are apparent in this essay. The brief informative piece establishes a controlling idea but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience, completing only some parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“The sun is the largest star.Don't ever get close to the surface of the sun you would start to burning to ash. The Earth is the only planet that has air. It has air because of the atmosphere. The Earth has living things too. Every planet has a different color becauseof rhe atmosphere. If the planet is red it's cold. If it's blue it's warm. If it's white it is second coldest. The solar system is important to have because we can find life on a planet one day. That's why we send Land Rovers to explore and dig on the planet's surfaces.”)

The essay states a limited central or controlling idea. (“The solar system is important to us. If we didn't have the solar system we wouldn't be living right now. The solar system is full of billions of stars. Some stars are little, fat, and bright there are more different kinds. Pluto one of the nine planets is the smallest out of them. Uranus and Jupiter are the two largest planets out of nine. The solar system has no air. If you were to go into the solar system without any air tanks you would die.”)

In the introduction, only a limited point of view or argument of the essay is stated. (“The solar system is important to us. If we didn't have the solar system we wouldn't be living right now. The solar system is full of billions of stars. Some stars are little, fat, and bright there are more different kinds. Pluto one of the nine planets is the smallest out of them. Uranus and Jupiter are the two largest planets out of nine. The solar system has no air. If you were to go into the solar system without any air tanks you would die.”)

Content & Development

The essay in question delivers limited content and development. The writer, additionally, develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support.

There is limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“The sun is the largest star.Don't ever get close to the surface of the sun you would start to burning to ash. The Earth is the only planet that has air. It has air because of the atmosphere. The Earth has living things too. Every planet has a different color becauseof rhe atmosphere. If the planet is red it's cold. If it's blue it's warm. If it's white it is second coldest. The solar system is important to have because we can find life on a planet one day. That's why we send Land Rovers to explore and dig on the planet's surfaces.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“The sun is the largest star.Don't ever get close to the surface of the sun you would start to burning to ash. The Earth is the only planet that has air. It has air because of the atmosphere. The Earth has living things too. Every planet has a different color becauseof rhe atmosphere. If the planet is red it's cold. If it's blue it's warm. If it's white it is second coldest. The solar system is important to have because we can find life on a planet one day. That's why we send Land Rovers to explore and dig on the planet's surfaces.”)

The essay does not include 4–5 supporting details to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“The sun is the largest star.Don't ever get close to the surface of the sun you would start to burning to ash. The Earth is the only planet that has air. It has air because of the atmosphere. The Earth has living things too. Every planet has a different color becauseof rhe atmosphere. If the planet is red it's cold. If it's blue it's warm. If it's white it is second coldest. The solar system is important to have because we can find life on a planet one day. That's why we send Land Rovers to explore and dig on the planet's surfaces.”)

Organization

The essay exhibits limited organization. It demonstrates some evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, yet lacks paragraphing as well as some transitional devices.

The introduction includes some background information about the topic. (“ The solar system is important to us. If we didn't have the solar system we wouldn't be living right now. The solar system is full of billions of stars. Some stars are little, fat, and bright there are more different kinds. Pluto one of the nine planets is the smallest out of them. Uranus and Jupiter are the two largest planets out of nine. The solar system has no air. If you were to go into the solar system without any air tanks you would die.”)

The introduction attempts to include a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ The solar system is important to us. If we didn't have the solar system we wouldn't be living right now. The solar system is full of billions of stars. Some stars are little, fat, and bright there are more different kinds. Pluto one of the nine planets is the smallest out of them. Uranus and Jupiter are the two largest planets out of nine. The solar system has no air. If you were to go into the solar system without any air tanks you would die.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are needed. (“ The sun is the largest star.Don't ever get close to the surface of the sun you would start to burning to ash. The Earth is the only planet that has air. It has air because of the atmosphere. The Earth has living things too. Every planet has a different color becauseof rhe atmosphere. If the planet is red it's cold. If it's blue it's warm. If it's white it is second coldest. The solar system is important to have because we can find life on a planet one day. That's why we send Land Rovers to explore and dig on the planet's surfaces.”)

Language Use & Style

Limited use of language and style is evident in the essay. The writing demonstrates simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and a reliance on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ Some stars are little, fat, and bright there are more different kinds. …Don't ever get close to the surface of the sun you would start to burning to ash.”)

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ The solar system is important to us. …The solar system is full of billions of stars. …The sun is the largest star.”)

Transitions are needed. (“ The sun is the largest star.Don't ever get close to the surface of the sun you would start to burning to ash. The Earth is the only planet that has air. It has air because of the atmosphere. The Earth has living things too. Every planet has a different color becauseof rhe atmosphere. If the planet is red it's cold. If it's blue it's warm. If it's white it is second coldest. The solar system is important to have because we can find life on a planet one day. That's why we send Land Rovers to explore and dig on the planet's surfaces.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The student demonstrates limited control of the proper use of mechanics and conventions in formal writing. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message. The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ The sun is the largest star.Don't ever get close to the surface of the sun you would start to burning to ash. …Every planet has a different color becauseof rhe atmosphere.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Its science week at my school and were soupiest to do something for the science show. I am going to do the hole solar system about the milk way I know allot of things about the milk way for example. Earth is in the milky way and so is Jupiter those are the planets that are in the milk way and more those are some things that I know and there are still some other interesting thing like volcanos they can kill people and there have bin volcanos that have turned people in to stone and have child people with gas and rocks but its not just in ordinary. That is all I know.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Minimal focus and meaning are conveyed through this essay. There is a controlling idea suggested, but the writing demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and completes few parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“Its science week at my school and were soupiest to do something for the science show. I am going to do the hole solar system about the milk way I know allot of things about the milk way for example. Earth is in the milky way and so is Jupiter those are the planets that are in the milk way and more those are some things that I know and there are still some other interesting thing like volcanos they can kill people and there have bin volcanos that have turned people in to stone and have child people with gas and rocks but its not just in ordinary. That is all I know.”)

The essay minimally states the central or controlling idea. (“Its science week at my school and were soupiest to do something for the science show. I am going to do the hole solar system about the milk way I know allot of things about the milk way for example. Earth is in the milky way and so is Jupiter those are the planets that are in the milk way and more those are some things that I know and there are still some other interesting thing like volcanos they can kill people and there have bin volcanos that have turned people in to stone and have child people with gas and rocks but its not just in ordinary. That is all I know.”)

In the introduction, the supporting idea of the essay is not stated. (“Its science week at my school and were soupiest to do something for the science show. I am going to do the hole solar system about the milk way I know allot of things about the milk way for example. Earth is in the milky way and so is Jupiter those are the planets that are in the milk way and more those are some things that I know and there are still some other interesting thing like volcanos they can kill people and there have bin volcanos that have turned people in to stone and have child people with gas and rocks but its not just in ordinary. That is all I know.”)

Content & Development

Minimal content and development are shown in this brief essay. As a result, ideas are developed incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support.

The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“Its science week at my school and were soupiest to do something for the science show. I am going to do the hole solar system about the milk way I know allot of things about the milk way for example. Earth is in the milky way and so is Jupiter those are the planets that are in the milk way and more those are some things that I know and there are still some other interesting thing like volcanos they can kill people and there have bin volcanos that have turned people in to stone and have child people with gas and rocks but its not just in ordinary. That is all I know.”)

Each main idea should be written as a topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“Its science week at my school and were soupiest to do something for the science show. I am going to do the hole solar system about the milk way I know allot of things about the milk way for example. Earth is in the milky way and so is Jupiter those are the planets that are in the milk way and more those are some things that I know and there are still some other interesting thing like volcanos they can kill people and there have bin volcanos that have turned people in to stone and have child people with gas and rocks but its not just in ordinary. That is all I know.”)

Details are minimally used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Its science week at my school and were soupiest to do something for the science show. I am going to do the hole solar system about the milk way I know allot of things about the milk way for example. Earth is in the milky way and so is Jupiter those are the planets that are in the milk way and more those are some things that I know and there are still some other interesting thing like volcanos they can kill people and there have bin volcanos that have turned people in to stone and have child people with gas and rocks but its not just in ordinary. That is all I know.”)

Organization

Minimal organization is detected in this essay. It demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion, little evidence of paragraphing, and a lack of transitional devices.

The first sentence of the introduction does little to include a question, a quotation, or an interesting fact or statistic. (“Its science week at my school and were soupiest to do something for the science show. I am going to do the hole solar system about the milk way I know allot of things about the milk way for example. Earth is in the milky way and so is Jupiter those are the planets that are in the milk way and more those are some things that I know and there are still some other interesting thing like volcanos they can kill people and there have bin volcanos that have turned people in to stone and have child people with gas and rocks but its not just in ordinary. That is all I know.”)

There is little evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“Its science week at my school and were soupiest to do something for the science show. I am going to do the hole solar system about the milk way I know allot of things about the milk way for example. Earth is in the milky way and so is Jupiter those are the planets that are in the milk way and more those are some things that I know and there are still some other interesting thing like volcanos they can kill people and there have bin volcanos that have turned people in to stone and have child people with gas and rocks but its not just in ordinary. That is all I know.”)

The essay does little to include a strong conclusion or any conclusion at all. (“Its science week at my school and were soupiest to do something for the science show. I am going to do the hole solar system about the milk way I know allot of things about the milk way for example. Earth is in the milky way and so is Jupiter those are the planets that are in the milk way and more those are some things that I know and there are still some other interesting thing like volcanos they can kill people and there have bin volcanos that have turned people in to stone and have child people with gas and rocks but its not just in ordinary. That is all I know.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay at-hand features minimal language use and style. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience; basic errors in sentence structure and usage are also made.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ I am going to do the hole solar system about the milk way I know allot of things about the milk way for example. Earth is in the milky way and so is Jupiter those are the planets that are in the milk way and more those are some things that I know and there are still some other interesting thing like volcanos they can kill people and there have bin volcanos that have turned people in to stone and have child people with gas and rocks but its not just in ordinary. That is all I know.”)

Transitions are needed. (“Its science week at my school and were soupiest to do something for the science show. I am going to do the hole solar system about the milk way I know allot of things about the milk way for example. Earth is in the milky way and so is Jupiter those are the planets that are in the milk way and more those are some things that I know and there are still some other interesting thing like volcanos they can kill people and there have bin volcanos that have turned people in to stone and have child people with gas and rocks but its not just in ordinary. That is all I know.”)

The style is not formal. (“ Earth is in the milky way and so is Jupiter those are the planets that are in the milk way and more those are some things that I know and there are still some other interesting thing like volcanos they can kill people and there have bin volcanos that have turned people in to stone and have child people with gas and rocks but its not just in ordinary. That is all I know.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Minimal control of the mechanics and conventions of standard written English is demonstrated in this essay. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ Earth is in the milky way and so is Jupiter those are the planets that are in the milk way and more those are some things that I know and there are still some other interesting thing like volcanos they can kill people and there have bin volcanos that have turned people in to stone and have child people with gas and rocks but its not just in ordinary.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

volcanoes are the most terrible mother nauther in the world.when it erups there are called ignious rocks.they are hot rocks that are melted and hot.if there is lightning blots that strike the volcano it has more power to erup.i sujust you if you live by a volcano never go by it.if the a storm the rain will come down.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning in this essay. It fails to establish a controlling idea and demonstrates no understanding of purpose and audience, completing no parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“volcanoes are the most terrible mother nauther in the world.when it erups there are called ignious rocks.they are hot rocks that are melted and hot.if there is lightning blots that strike the volcano it has more power to erup.i sujust you if you live by a volcano never go by it.if the a storm the rain will come down.”)

The essay does not state the central or controlling idea. (“volcanoes are the most terrible mother nauther in the world.when it erups there are called ignious rocks.they are hot rocks that are melted and hot.if there is lightning blots that strike the volcano it has more power to erup.i sujust you if you live by a volcano never go by it.if the a storm the rain will come down.”)

In the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is not stated. (“volcanoes are the most terrible mother nauther in the world.when it erups there are called ignious rocks.they are hot rocks that are melted and hot.if there is lightning blots that strike the volcano it has more power to erup.i sujust you if you live by a volcano never go by it.if the a storm the rain will come down.”)

Content & Development

Inadequate content and development are clearly obvious to readers of this brief essay. The writer fails to develop ideas or provide details for support.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central or controlling idea of the essay. (“volcanoes are the most terrible mother nauther in the world.when it erups there are called ignious rocks.they are hot rocks that are melted and hot.if there is lightning blots that strike the volcano it has more power to erup.i sujust you if you live by a volcano never go by it.if the a storm the rain will come down.”)

At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. (“volcanoes are the most terrible mother nauther in the world.when it erups there are called ignious rocks.they are hot rocks that are melted and hot.if there is lightning blots that strike the volcano it has more power to erup.i sujust you if you live by a volcano never go by it.if the a storm the rain will come down.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“volcanoes are the most terrible mother nauther in the world.when it erups there are called ignious rocks.they are hot rocks that are melted and hot.if there is lightning blots that strike the volcano it has more power to erup.i sujust you if you live by a volcano never go by it.if the a storm the rain will come down.”)

Organization

Inadequate organization is apparent to readers of this essay. There is no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion, as well as no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay does not include a clear sentence that explains what it is about. (“volcanoes are the most terrible mother nauther in the world.when it erups there are called ignious rocks.they are hot rocks that are melted and hot.if there is lightning blots that strike the volcano it has more power to erup.i sujust you if you live by a volcano never go by it.if the a storm the rain will come down.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“volcanoes are the most terrible mother nauther in the world.when it erups there are called ignious rocks.they are hot rocks that are melted and hot.if there is lightning blots that strike the volcano it has more power to erup.i sujust you if you live by a volcano never go by it.if the a storm the rain will come down.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion or any conclusion at all. (“volcanoes are the most terrible mother nauther in the world.when it erups there are called ignious rocks.they are hot rocks that are melted and hot.if there is lightning blots that strike the volcano it has more power to erup.i sujust you if you live by a volcano never go by it.if the a storm the rain will come down.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style is inadequate. It demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“volcanoes are the most terrible mother nauther in the world.when it erups there are called ignious rocks.they are hot rocks that are melted and hot.if there is lightning blots that strike the volcano it has more power to erup.i sujust you if you live by a volcano never go by it.if the a storm the rain will come down.”)

Exact words are missing. (“ i sujust you if you live by a volcano never go by it.if the a storm the rain will come down.”)

There is repetition, as the word “hot” is repeated twice in the following sentence: “ they are hot rocks that are melted and hot.”

The style is not formal. (“volcanoes are the most terrible mother nauther in the world.when it erups there are called ignious rocks.they are hot rocks that are melted and hot.if there is lightning blots that strike the volcano it has more power to erup.i sujust you if you live by a volcano never go by it.if the a storm the rain will come down.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates inadequate control over the correct use of mechanics and conventions in this essay. Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“volcanoes are the most terrible mother nauther in the world.when it erups there are called ignious rocks.they are hot rocks that are melted and hot.if there is lightning blots that strike the volcano it has more power to erup.i sujust you if you live by a volcano never go by it.if the a storm the rain will come down.”)

The Joy of Being a Kid

Many kids are in a hurry to grow up. However, being young has many benefits. What do you like most about being a kid?

Write a multi-paragraph essay in which you discuss the best part of being a kid. Make sure to include specific details and examples to support your response.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Even though Peter Pan never grew up, life isn't a fairy tale and everyone has to be an adult at one point. So because you're only a kid for about a fourth of your life, we should savor the joyous moments by not worrying about financial problems, having free time, and being able to imagine.

In the first place, as a kid, you don't have to worry about money, food, and jobs. The kids have it easy! We skip to school and skip home not worrying about anything because we know our parents will take care of all our worries. We don't have to find a job in this economy. That's another thing that makes kids stress free. No job besides going to school! School is our one and only main priority. Also adults have to sit around paying taxes and bills while we run around. I'd get bored sitting around and doing math. Another thing is kids don't grocery shop. For kids we don't have to cook; the food just seems to magically appear on the table and we eat it by the snap of our fingers. It's worry and stress free. Money, food, and jobs are three of many responsibilities we don't have to worry about as children.

At the same time, we get plenty of free time for a variety of activities. Playing sports is one of the main ways kids spend their free time. Softball, baseball, soccer and football. Personally, my favorite sport is softball. Being a kid gives me time to practice. I play on a travel team which is very time consuming. I love going to my games. The smell of sunflower seeds, feeling the dirt whooshing around in your brand new spikes, to me that is a childhood flashback that will stay in my mind forever. I know that if I had kids, a job, and a house to pay for, my softball experience would be out of the picture. Kids also get to have sleepovers and play with their friends. Who wouldn't want to stay up all night and watching movies, eating popcorn, and goofing around while everyone else in the house is asleep? It's a joyous childhood memory everyone remembers. Lastly, we have loads of energy during our free time. For example games like tag, hide and seek, or simply just playing outside use physical energy. In my neighborhood everyone will meet outside and play capture the flag until all hours. Similarly, at night, we'd play Ghost in the Graveyard until our eyes were permanently closed shut for the night. I wish I could always have these joys, but since I can't I need to enjoy them while I can.

My third and final reason that being a kid is joyous is we are free to use our imagination. When your parents get new furniture that comes in a big box, we run straight for the box! One minute it is a space ship and you're flying through the skies. Then five minutes later, it is a castle and you're a beautiful princess. Children don't need to think about reality. We also have open minds. Kids can explore in jeans and a sweatshirt instead of in a suit typing. When you're a kid there's a whole world out there. Besides the fact we can be optimistic. Instead of seeing the bad of the world, it's one big wonder. Also, we can "get away with murder." When you are young, you know your parent's will always be the security blanket to fall back on. If you do something bad your parents will have your back. If you're an adult and do something wrong you get arrested.

All things have to come to an end, and since I'm only a kid for eighteen years, I'll remember soon I may have to worry about financial problems; I may not have free time, or be free to imagine. So, enjoy your time as a kid!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience. He/she effectively completes all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task . Notably, the writer leaves readers with a clear picture of the joy of being a kid.

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ So because you're only a kid for about a fourth of your life, we should savor the joyous moments by not worrying about financial problems, having free time, and being able to imagine. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. (“ In the first place, as a kid, you don't have to worry about money, food, and jobs. The kids have it easy! We skip to school and skip home not worrying about anything because we know our parents will take care of all our worries. We don't have to find a job in this economy. That's another thing that makes kids stress free. No job besides going to school! School is our one and only main priority. ”)

The essay maintains the focus on the controlling idea by describing how children live in a “magical” world where their parents provide for all of their needs. (“ Also adults have to sit around paying taxes and bills while we run around. I'd get bored sitting around and doing math. Another thing is kids don't grocery shop. For kids we don't have to cook; the food just seems to magically appear on the table and we eat it by the snap of our fingers. It's worry and stress free. Money, food, and jobs are three of many responsibilities we don't have to worry about as children. ”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully, using a wide variety of appropriate details for support.

Relevant points explain and illustrate the writer’s childhood activities very effectively. (“ At the same time, we get plenty of free time for a variety of activities. Playing sports is one of the main ways kids spend their free time. Softball, baseball, soccer and football. Personally, my favorite sport is softball. Being a kid gives me time to practice. I play on a travel team which is very time consuming. I love going to my games. The smell of sunflower seeds, feeling the dirt whooshing around in your brand new spikes, to me that is a childhood flashback that will stay in my mind forever. I know that if I had kids, a job, and a house to pay for, my softball experience would be out of the picture. ”)

Specific information about the characters is developed very effectively. (“ Kids also get to have sleepovers and play with their friends. Who wouldn't want to stay up all night and watching movies, eating popcorn, and goofing around while everyone else in the house is asleep? It's a joyous childhood memory everyone remembers. Lastly, we have loads of energy during our free time. For example games like tag, hide and seek, or simply just playing outside use physical energy. In my neighborhood everyone will meet outside and play capture the flag until all hours. Similarly, at night, we'd play Ghost in the Graveyard until our eyes were permanently closed shut for the night. I wish I could always have these joys, but since I can't I need to enjoy them while I can. ”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (“ My third and final reason that being a kid is joyous is we are free to use our imagination. When your parents get new furniture that comes in a big box, we run straight for the box! One minute it is a space ship and you're flying through the skies. Then five minutes later, it is a castle and you're a beautiful princess. Children don't need to think about reality. We also have open minds. Kids can explore in jeans and a sweatshirt instead of in a suit typing. When you're a kid there's a whole world out there. Besides the fact we can be optimistic. Instead of seeing the bad of the world, it's one big wonder. Also, we can ‘get away with murder.’ When you are young, you know your parent's will always be the security blanket to fall back on. If you do something bad your parents will have your back. If you're an adult and do something wrong you get arrested. ”)

Organization

The writer effectively engages the readers’ interest in the introduction by connecting the topic to the story of Peter Pan. (“ Even though Peter Pan never grew up, life isn't a fairy tale and everyone has to be an adult at one point. So because you're only a kid for about a fourth of your life, we should savor the joyous moments by not worrying about financial problems, having free time, and being able to imagine. ”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect ideas between paragraphs and sentences. (“At the same time, we get plenty of free time for a variety of activities. Playing sports is one of the main ways kids spend their free time. Softball, baseball, soccer and football. Personally, my favorite sport is softball. Being a kid gives me time to practice. .. Lastly, we have loads of energy during our free time. For example games like tag, hide and seek, or simply just playing outside use physical energy. In my neighborhood everyone will meet outside and play capture the flag until all hours. Similarly, at night, we'd play Ghost in the Graveyard until our eyes were permanently closed shut for the night. I wish I could always have these joys, but since I can't I need to enjoy them while I can.”)

The writer includes an ending that teaches readers a lesson about enjoying childhood while it lasts, and it also provides readers with a sense of closure. (“ All things have to come to an end, and since I'm only a kid for eighteen years, I'll remember soon I may have to worry about financial problems; I may not have free time, or be free to imagine. So, enjoy your time as a kid! ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer chooses descriptive words to effectively describe the world from a child’s point of view. (“ In the first place, as a kid, you don't have to worry about money, food, and jobs. The kids have it easy! We skip to school and skip home not worrying about anything because we know our parents will take care of all our worries. We don't have to find a job in this economy. That's another thing that makes kids stress free. No job besides going to school! School is our one and only main priority. Also adults have to sit around paying taxes and bills while we run around. I'd get bored sitting around and doing math. Another thing is kids don't grocery shop. For kids we don't have to cook; the food just seems to magically appear on the table and we eat it by the snap of our fingers. It's worry and stress free. Money, food, and jobs are three of many responsibilities we don't have to worry about as children. ”)

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the essay. (“ My third and final reason that being a kid is joyous is we are free to use our imagination. When your parents get new furniture that comes in a big box, we run straight for the box! One minute it is a space ship and you're flying through the skies. Then five minutes later, it is a castle and you're a beautiful princess. Children don't need to think about reality. We also have open minds. Kids can explore in jeans and a sweatshirt instead of in a suit typing. ”)

The writer demonstrates use of strong voice throughout the response. (“ When you're a kid there's a whole world out there. Besides the fact we can be optimistic. Instead of seeing the bad of the world, it's one big wonder. Also, we can ‘get away with murder.’ When you are young, you know your parent's will always be the security blanket to fall back on. If you do something bad your parents will have your back. If you're an adult and do something wrong you get arrested. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and words are spelled correctly. (“ All things have to come to an end, and since I'm only a kid for eighteen years, I'll remember soon I may have to worry about financial problems; I may not have free time, or be free to imagine. So, enjoy your time as a kid! ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Even though they might not say it, you can tell that kids are in a hurry to grow up. What they don't seem to know is there are many benefits to being a kid. If you are an adult reading this, you wish more than anything you were a kid again don't you? Birthdays and Christmas are more fun and stress isn't even in your vocabulary. Beveive me, the list of things us kids can do is pretty long. Here are three of those many reasons being a kid is so great.

First of all, we don't have to be as health conscious as adults are! We can pretty much eat whatever we want. If you would like a scientific reason, it's because kids burn calories much faster than adults. Like I could eat a whole bag of Doritos, and it probably wouldn't even effect me. Of course you to this in moderation, because you need to eat healthy!

Also, we get summer vacation! Adults don't get those days off because they have to keep working. Even teachers have to work when school is out! Since my Mom owns a pet sitting business and doesn't have to work as much, she takes us to fun places over the summer. If my dad gets off work, he joins us too. And what about vacations? Do you pay for them? Of course you don't! Your parents do! I don't walk up to the Disney hotel desk and take out a credit card to pay for the room!

On the other hand, we aren't responsible for things. Of course there's school and chores, but remember who pays the bills and mortgage payments. Do you know how much more free time you get than your parents? The only time my parents relax is when I'm getting ready for bed or asleep. For example, if my sister and I are in the pool, she'll ask if my parents can join us. Most of the time they have to do other things. All day they work, clean, cook, and of course look after my sister and me.

In conclusion, Growing up isn't all it is cracked up to be. Sure you want to drive, be done with school, and have more freedom, and it'll come in time. So for now, enjoy being a kid, because it's really only 5% of your life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The language of the thesis fits the examples very well. (“ What they don't seem to know is there are many benefits to being a kid. ”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with main ideas about three benefits of being a child. The writer starts with the benefit of children having a higher metabolism than adults. (“ First of all, we don't have to be as health conscious as adults are! We can pretty much eat whatever we want. If you would like a scientific reason, it's because kids burn calories much faster than adults. Like I could eat a whole bag of Doritos, and it probably wouldn't even effect me. Of course you to this in moderation, because you need to eat healthy! ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. (“ Also, we get summer vacation! Adults don't get those days off because they have to keep working. Even teachers have to work when school is out! Since my Mom owns a pet sitting business and doesn't have to work as much, she takes us to fun places over the summer. If my dad gets off work, he joins us too. And what about vacations? Do you pay for them? Of course you don't! Your parents do! I don't walk up to the Disney hotel desk and take out a credit card to pay for the room! ”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient and appropriate details for support.

The content in the body of the paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain the main idea. (“ First of all, we don't have to be as health conscious as adults are! We can pretty much eat whatever we want. If you would like a scientific reason, it's because kids burn calories much faster than adults. Like I could eat a whole bag of Doritos, and it probably wouldn't even effect me. Of course you to this in moderation, because you need to eat healthy! ”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea in the topic sentence. (“ Also, we get summer vacation! Adults don't get those days off because they have to keep working. Even teachers have to work when school is out! Since my Mom owns a pet sitting business and doesn't have to work as much, she takes us to fun places over the summer. If my dad gets off work, he joins us too. And what about vacations? Do you pay for them? Of course you don't! Your parents do! I don't walk up to the Disney hotel desk and take out a credit card to pay for the room! ”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“ On the other hand, we aren't responsible for things. Of course there's school and chores, but remember who pays the bills and mortgage payments. Do you know how much more free time you get than your parents? The only time my parents relax is when I'm getting ready for bed or asleep. For example, if my sister and I are in the pool, she'll ask if my parents can join us. Most of the time they have to do other things. All day they work, clean, cook, and of course look after my sister and me. ”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a n effective introduction. (“ Even though they might not say it, you can tell that kids are in a hurry to grow up. What they don't seem to know is there are many benefits to being a kid. If you are an adult reading this, you wish more than anything you were a kid again don't you? Birthdays and Christmas are more fun and stress isn't even in your vocabulary. Beveive me, the list of things us kids can do is pretty long. Here are three of those many reasons being a kid is so great. ”)

Transitions between paragraphs and sentences are used well. (“ First of all, we don't have to be as health conscious as adults are! We can pretty much eat whatever we want. If you would like a scientific reason, it's because kids burn calories much faster than adults. Like I could eat a whole bag of Doritos, and it probably wouldn't even effect me. Of course you to this in moderation, because you need to eat healthy! ”)

The essay’s conclusion provides the readers with closure and restates ideas from the introduction; kids should not rush the process of growing up. (“ In conclusion, Growing up isn't all it is cracked up to be. Sure you want to drive, be done with school, and have more freedom, and it'll come in time. So for now, enjoy being a kid, because it's really only 5% of your life. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer employs good word choices to describe the consequences of dietary choices for children as compared to adults. (“ First of all, we don't have to be as health conscious as adults are! We can pretty much eat whatever we want. If you would like a scientific reason, it's because kids burn calories much faster than adults. Like I could eat a whole bag of Doritos, and it probably wouldn't even effect me. Of course you to this in moderation, because you need to eat healthy! ”)

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the essay. (“ Also, we get summer vacation! Adults don't get those days off because they have to keep working. Even teachers have to work when school is out! Since my Mom owns a pet sitting business and doesn't have to work as much, she takes us to fun places over the summer. If my dad gets off work, he joins us too. And what about vacations? Do you pay for them? Of course you don't! Your parents do! I don't walk up to the Disney hotel desk and take out a credit card to pay for the room! ”)

The language and tone are consistent. (“ On the other hand, we aren't responsible for things. Of course there's school and chores, but remember who pays the bills and mortgage payments. Do you know how much more free time you get than your parents? The only time my parents relax is when I'm getting ready for bed or asleep. For example, if my sister and I are in the pool, she'll ask if my parents can join us. Most of the time they have to do other things. All day they work, clean, cook, and of course look after my sister and me. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation and subject-verb agreement. He/she should also ensure that all words are used and spelled correctly and that line breaks are used to indicate new paragraphs. (“ Even though they might not say it, you can tell that kids are in a hurry to grow up. What they don't seem to know is there are many benefits to being a kid. If you are an adult reading this, you wish more than anything you were a kid again don't you? Birthdays and Christmas are more fun and stress isn't even in your vocabulary. Beveive me, the list of things us kids can do is pretty long. Here are three of those many reasons being a kid is so great. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Being a kid is the most enjoyable part of life. There is many reasons why being a kid is fun. One of the reasons being life is fairly easy. Another is that while you are young you have the ability to have a lot more fun than adults. Perk number three is that kids live without worries.

First, I'd like to start off by saying life is as easy as 1, 2, 3. There is many things that kids don't have to deal with that makes life easier. One is we don't have to take out of our play time, and money to pay bills, we don't have to deal with taxes either, and that is another burden off our shoulders. Oh, and did I mention that we don't have to get a job either because our parents give us money. All this makes life much easier doesn't it?

Next, since kids are kids they have the ability to do a lot more things than an adult can do so we can have more fun! At most rides at any amusement park you usually have to be a certain size to ride the rides and we are the exact size. There is a lot of things can do that most adults can't do. Some, of them being skating, swimming, bike riding, and many more. As a kid you also have more energy than adults, so you can go on and on for hours at a time.

Finally; kids don't have to worry about any thing! Most of the stuff our parents take care of. Here is an example, if you are to get hurt do you pay for the bill, no, that is someone else's job. The best part about being a kid is that you don't have to pay for any trips that you take to water vill, movies, or any other family activity.

These are just some of the reasons being a kid is fun. There is many more enjoyable parts to why being a kid is fun. I bet you enjoyed it, I know I do. I hope I don't grow up too soon.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The thesis statement adequately presents the controlling idea of the essay and the point of view of the writer. (“ Being a kid is the most enjoyable part of life.”)

The writer adequately understands the intended audience. The essay is devoted to informing the readers about the many joys of being a kid. (“There is many reasons why being a kid is fun. One of the reasons being life is fairly easy. Another is that while you are young you have the ability to have a lot more fun than adults. Perk number three is that kids live without worries.”)

The essay illustrates an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“First, I'd like to start off by saying life is as easy as 1, 2, 3. There is many things that kids don't have to deal with that makes life easier. One is we don't have to take out of our play time, and money to pay bills, we don't have to deal with taxes either, and that is another burden off our shoulders. Oh, and did I mention that we don't have to get a job either because our parents give us money. All this makes life much easier doesn't it?”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support.

The writer provides anecdotal examples that are relevant. (“Next, since kids are kids they have the ability to do a lot more things than an adult can do so we can have more fun! At most rides at any amusement park you usually have to be a certain size to ride the rides and we are the exact size. There is a lot of things can do that most adults can't do. Some, of them being skating, swimming, bike riding, and many more. As a kid you also have more energy than adults, so you can go on and on for hours at a time.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. Nonetheless, providing more specific details would enhance the writer’s descriptions of the kinds of support that parents offer to their children. (“Finally; kids don't have to worry about any thing! Most of the stuff our parents take care of. Here is an example, if you are to get hurt do you pay for the bill, no, that is someone else's job. The best part about being a kid is that you don't have to pay for any trips that you take to water vill, movies, or any other family activity.”)

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“First, I'd like to start off by saying life is as easy as 1, 2, 3. There is many things that kids don't have to deal with that makes life easier. One is we don't have to take out of our play time, and money to pay bills, we don't have to deal with taxes either, and that is another burden off our shoulders. Oh, and did I mention that we don't have to get a job either because our parents give us money. All this makes life much easier doesn't it?”)

Organization

The beginning of the essay demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by previewing reasons why the life of a child is enjoyable. (“ Being a kid is the most enjoyable part of life. There is many reasons why being a kid is fun. One of the reasons being life is fairly easy. Another is that while you are young you have the ability to have a lot more fun than adults. Perk number three is that kids live without worries. ”)

Transitions between paragraphs and sentences are used to adequately connect ideas. (“ First, I'd like to start off by saying life is as easy as 1, 2, 3. There is many things that kids don't have to deal with that makes life easier. One is we don't have to take out of our play time, and money to pay bills, we don't have to deal with taxes either, and that is another burden off our shoulders. Oh, and did I mention that we don't have to get a job either because our parents give us money. All this makes life much easier doesn't it?”)

The conclusion neglects to summarize the main points of the response and does not leave the readers with too much to think about. However, the readers do feel a sense of closure. The writer should consider enhancing the conclusion with a summary of ideas in an attempt to leave the readers with something to think about. (“ These are just some of the reasons being a kid is fun. There is many more enjoyable parts to why being a kid is fun. I bet you enjoyed it, I know I do. I hope I don't grow up too soon. ”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ Next, since kids are kids they have the ability to do a lot more things than an adult can do so we can have more fun! At most rides at any amusement park you usually have to be a certain size to ride the rides and we are the exact size. There is a lot of things can do that most adults can't do. Some, of them being skating, swimming, bike riding, and many more. As a kid you also have more energy than adults, so you can go on and on for hours at a time.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the response. He/she provides language that adequately describes a child’s worry-free life to the intended audience. (“ Finally; kids don't have to worry about any thing! Most of the stuff our parents take care of. Here is an example, if you are to get hurt do you pay for the bill, no, that is someone else's job. The best part about being a kid is that you don't have to pay for any trips that you take to water vill, movies, or any other family activity.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the essay. (“ Being a kid is the most enjoyable part of life. There is many reasons why being a kid is fun. One of the reasons being life is fairly easy. Another is that while you are young you have the ability to have a lot more fun than adults. Perk number three is that kids live without worries.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure that sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have subject-verb agreement, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, words are spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs are indicated with line breaks. (“ There is a lot of things can do that most adults can't do. Some, of them being skating, swimming, bike riding, and many more.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

What I like about being a kid. First you are able to be young and playful and play with your friends and run around or throw a ball and just have fun with your friends.

Then what is even better about being a kid! is you don't have to pay for things like house bills, your able to save your money to get cool things or toy's or get something huge.

Eventually the best thing is not going to work and to still get paid with a allowance and you are able to stay home and play with your friends and ride a bike or watch tv or play video games and invite friends over to play or even sleep over and you don't have to wake up super early in the morning to go to work when your a kid.

The one thing good about being a kid is you can go to a amusement parks and go on the really tiny rides plus the super big ones and get soaking wet. The other good thing is you don't have to carry your things your mom or dad does that for you and you don't have to pay the hundreds of dollars to go in.

When your a kid you can have the best birthday parties like bowling with friends and open presents and go into the arcade room and win cool toy's and eat allot of cake and pop balloons.

The reason kids can't wait till they grow up is they think it is all fun and games but it is really hard. You have to drive to work and be good at work. And you can't make serious mustaches with out paying for what you did. You can barley play with friends you have to wake up get ready go to your car drive to work work com home and you still can't play you have to wait till your friends are done from work or you have to wait till friday to play or have a party over the weekend.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the essay. The writer establishes a limited controlling idea and demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she provides limited descriptions and details that may not give the readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Only some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The essay reveals the controlling idea in a very limited way. (“ What I like about being a kid. First you are able to be young and playful and play with your friends and run around or throw a ball and just have fun with your friends.”)

The writer’s focus is limited. The writer focuses on the advantages of being a kid, but the description of each advantage is limited at best. (“ Then what is even better about being a kid! is you don't have to pay for things like house bills, your able to save your money to get cool things or toy's or get something huge.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the essay and should include more meaningful examples to illustrate the joy of being a kid. Describing the feelings of excitement and the carefree attitudes of childhood would help the readers picture the subject of the essay in their minds. (“Eventually the best thing is not going to work and to still get paid with a allowance and you are able to stay home and play with your friends and ride a bike or watch tv or play video games and invite friends over to play or even sleep over and you don't have to wake up super early in the morning to go to work when your a kid.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The essay develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support.

The essay uses limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“ The one thing good about being a kid is you can go to a amusement parks and go on the really tiny rides plus the super big ones and get soaking wet. The other good thing is you don't have to carry your things your mom or dad does that for you and you don't have to pay the hundreds of dollars to go in.”)

The explanations and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“ When your a kid you can have the best birthday parties like bowling with friends and open presents and go into the arcade room and win cool toy's and eat allot of cake and pop balloons.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. The writer includes examples that focus on the disadvantages of being an adult as opposed to the joys of being a child. (“The reason kids can't wait till they grow up is they think it is all fun and games but it is really hard. You have to drive to work and be good at work. And you can't make serious mustaches with out paying for what you did. You can barley play with friends you have to wake up get ready go to your car drive to work work com home and you still can't play you have to wait till your friends are done from work or you have to wait till friday to play or have a party over the weekend.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a limited introduction. The writer discloses the topic of the essay, but with limited background information and descriptive details, the readers struggle to picture vivid scenes of childhood in their minds. (“ What I like about being a kid. First you are able to be young and playful and play with your friends and run around or throw a ball and just have fun with your friends.”)

More appropriate transitions between paragraphs and between sentences are needed to enhance the flow of the writer’s ideas. (“ Eventually the best thing is not going to work and to still get paid with a allowance and you are able to stay home and play with your friends and ride a bike or watch tv or play video games and invite friends over to play or even sleep over and you don't have to wake up super early in the morning to go to work when your a kid.”)

The conclusion of the essay provides the readers with little sense of closure, and it does not summarize the main ideas. (“ The reason kids can't wait till they grow up is they think it is all fun and games but it is really hard. You have to drive to work and be good at work. And you can't make serious mustaches with out paying for what you did. You can barley play with friends you have to wake up get ready go to your car drive to work work com home and you still can't play you have to wait till your friends are done from work or you have to wait till friday to play or have a party over the weekend.”)

Language Use & Style

The sentences are too informal and the word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“ Then what is even better about being a kid! is you don't have to pay for things like house bills, your able to save your money to get cool things or toy's or get something huge.”)

Some sentences are long and rambling. The writer should break up ideas into separate sentences and elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the response more interesting to the intended audience. (“ Eventually the best thing is not going to work and to still get paid with a allowance and you are able to stay home and play with your friends and ride a bike or watch tv or play video games and invite friends over to play or even sleep over and you don't have to wake up super early in the morning to go to work when your a kid.”)

The writer uses similar wording to begin two sentences in the paragraph about amusement parks. (“ The one thing good about being a kid is you can go to a amusement parks and go on the really tiny rides plus the super big ones and get soaking wet. The other good thing is you don't have to carry your things your mom or dad does that for you and you don't have to pay the hundreds of dollars to go in.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should make sure each sentence begins with a capital letter, has a subject and a verb, and ends with a punctuation mark. He/she should also ensure new paragraphs are indicated with line breaks, words are spelled correctly, and language is used properly within the context of sentences. (“And you can't make serious mustaches with out paying for what you did. You can barley play with friends you have to wake up get ready go to your car drive to work work com home and you still can't play you have to wait till your friends are done from work or you have to wait till friday to play or have a party over the weekend.”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Every day my mom is talking about the bills, and taking someone somewhere, and all of that stuff she need to do i am lucky im still a kid and i would not trade being a kid for anything in the world. I like being a kid because i get lots of games and gifts and i don't have to pay no bills and finally i don't have to drive no one no where or pick someone up.

It is fun getting gifts and games because they are fun and good to play. We also get cloths and shoes and other stuff being a kid is very fun and i would not trade being a kid for anything in the would not even 100 billion dollar. Also we get lots and lots and lots of toys for Christmas and other things like a flat screen tv and all that stuff. It's fun getting stuff like games and stuff that i like also i like to get cloth and shoe and stuff

it is fun to not pay bills because i like to save my money to buy something for my family.Also i can buy stuff for me and my brother and my little sister. It also good i don't have to pay the bills because there also stuff i need for school like pens and pencils and also notebook and stuff

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay only minimally includes a central/controlling idea. The writer misses the opportunity to elaborate on the contrast between adult responsibilities versus a child’s carefree world. (“Every day my mom is talking about the bills, and taking someone somewhere, and all of that stuff she need to do i am lucky im still a kid and i would not trade being a kid for anything in the world. ”)

The writer’s details are minimally developed in support of the central/controlling idea. Providing more details at every turn in a response creates a richly textured message that gives the readers a clear picture of the excitement and bliss of being a child. (“It is fun getting gifts and games because they are fun and good to play. We also get cloths and shoes and other stuff being a kid is very fun and i would not trade being a kid for anything in the would not even 100 billion dollar.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give the readers a true sense of the joy of being a kid. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“it is fun to not pay bills because i like to save my money to buy something for my family.Also i can buy stuff for me and my brother and my little sister.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support.

Details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. Details should include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations that give the readers a clear picture of the joy of opening presents or trying on new clothes. (“Also we get lots and lots and lots of toys for Christmas and other things like a flat screen tv and all that stuff. It's fun getting stuff like games and stuff that i like also i like to get cloth and shoe and stuff ”)

The writer does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“It is fun getting gifts and games because they are fun and good to play. We also get cloths and shoes and other stuff being a kid is very fun and i would not trade being a kid for anything in the would not even 100 billion dollar. Also we get lots and lots and lots of toys for Christmas and other things like a flat screen tv and all that stuff. It's fun getting stuff like games and stuff that i like also i like to get cloth and shoe and stuff… it is fun to not pay bills because i like to save my money to buy something for my family.Also i can buy stuff for me and my brother and my little sister. It also good i don't have to pay the bills because there also stuff i need for school like pens and pencils and also notebook and stuff ”)

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s thesis statement. (“it is fun to not pay bills because i like to save my money to buy something for my family.Also i can buy stuff for me and my brother and my little sister. It also good i don't have to pay the bills because there also stuff i need for school like pens and pencils and also notebook and stuff”)

Organization

The essay does not effectively grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Every day my mom is talking about the bills, and taking someone somewhere, and all of that stuff she need to do i am lucky im still a kid and i would not trade being a kid for anything in the world. I like being a kid because i get lots of games and gifts and i don't have to pay no bills and finally i don't have to drive no one no where or pick someone up. ”)

Besides the overuse of the word “also,” there is little evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ It is fun getting gifts and games because they are fun and good to play. We also get cloths and shoes and other stuff being a kid is very fun and i would not trade being a kid for anything in the would not even 100 billion dollar. Also we get lots and lots and lots of toys for Christmas and other things like a flat screen tv and all that stuff. ”)

The writer does little to include a strong conclusion in the essay. (“It also good i don't have to pay the bills because there also stuff i need for school like pens and pencils and also notebook and stuff”)

Language Use & Style

There are several run-on sentences in the essay. (“ We also get cloths and shoes and other stuff being a kid is very fun and i would not trade being a kid for anything in the would not even 100 billion dollar. ”)

Verbs are missing in the essay, which can affect the readers’ understanding of the intended message. (“It also good i don't have to pay the bills because there also stuff i need for school like pens and pencils and also notebook and stuff ”)

The writer relies on informal word choices that do not effectively communicate his/her message. (“ Also we get lots and lots and lots of toys for Christmas and other things like a flat screen tv and all that stuff. It's fun getting stuff like games and stuff that i like also i like to get cloth and shoe and stuff ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate and organize ideas. (“Every day my mom is talking about the bills, and taking someone somewhere, and all of that stuff she need to do i am lucky im still a kid and i would not trade being a kid for anything in the world. I like being a kid because i get lots of games and gifts and i don't have to pay no bills and finally i don't have to drive no one no where or pick someone up.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

My joy of being a kid is going shopping all the time and choosing what I want to and the Maine thing I do is go to the mall. witch is my favorite thing to do but when I grow up iam grown up to miss being a kid because iam going to have to go throw alot and I don't want that to happen and I know that's is hard because I know that is hard. because what I have seen on TV and alot of them have skipped school and flunk so I better enjoy my self while I can beacuse i kinda like to be a kid and when i grow up i want to be an hair stylist and have a good education and i wont be sad beacuse i will know wat to do and then i can teach other kids how to do hair and i think some of the girls will like it and they might fall in love with it just like i did. beacuse it is very fun being a kid beacuse you you have a very good talent and everybody has a talent even my grand ma and hers is to cook and sew

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. The writer establishes little or no controlling idea and demonstrates little or no understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. The writer barely completes any parts of the task.

The writer states a central/controlling idea but does not develop it adequately through examples and descriptive details. (“ My joy of being a kid is going shopping all the time and choosing what I want to and the Maine thing I do is go to the mall.”)

The essay’s lack of specific details renders the writer’s message ineffective and incomplete. (“but when I grow up iam grown up to miss being a kid because iam going to have to go throw alot and I don't want that to happen and I know that's is hard because I know that is hard. because what I have seen on TV and alot of them have skipped school and flunk so I better enjoy my self while I can beacuse i kinda like to be a kid”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“ and when i grow up i want to be an hair stylist and have a good education and i wont be sad beacuse i will know wat to do and then i can teach other kids how to do hair and i think some of the girls will like it and they might fall in love with it just like i did.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer neglects to develop ideas, using little or no details for support.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“My joy of being a kid is going shopping all the time and choosing what I want to and the Maine thing I do is go to the mall. witch is my favorite thing to do but when I grow up iam grown up to miss being a kid because iam going to have to go throw alot and I don't want that to happen”)

In this one-paragraph response, there are no main ideas presented as body paragraphs. At least three main ideas should be included as evidence. (“My joy of being a kid is going shopping all the time and choosing what I want to and the Maine thing I do is go to the mall. witch is my favorite thing to do but when I grow up iam grown up to miss being a kid because iam going to have to go throw alot and I don't want that to happen and I know that's is hard because I know that is hard. because what I have seen on TV and alot of them have skipped school and flunk so I better enjoy my self while I can beacuse i kinda like to be a kid and when i grow up i want to be an hair stylist and have a good education and i wont be sad beacuse i will know wat to do and then i can teach other kids how to do hair and i think some of the girls will like it and they might fall in love with it just like i did. beacuse it is very fun being a kid beacuse you you have a very good talent and everybody has a talent even my grand ma and hers is to cook and sew”)

Details are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Details could include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations to bring the writer’s ideas to life. (“ beacuse it is very fun being a kid beacuse you you have a very good talent and everybody has a talent even my grand ma and hers is to cook and sew”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate as well. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure, introduction, or conclusion. In addition, there is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ My joy of being a kid is going shopping all the time and choosing what I want to and the Maine thing I do is go to the mall. witch is my favorite thing to do”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ because what I have seen on TV and alot of them have skipped school and flunk so I better enjoy my self while I can beacuse i kinda like to be a kid and when i grow up i want to be an hair stylist and have a good education”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ beacuse it is very fun being a kid beacuse you you have a very good talent and everybody has a talent even my grand ma and hers is to cook and sew”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is inadequate. He/she demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The writer relies on simple and repetitive word choices. (“witch is my favorite thing to do but when I grow up iam grown up to miss being a kid because iam going to have to go throw alot and I don't want that to happen and I know that's is hard because I know that is hard.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ because what I have seen on TV and alot of them have skipped school and flunk so I better enjoy my self while I can beacuse i kinda like to be a kid”)

There are sentence fragments in the essay. (“ beacuse it is very fun being a kid beacuse you you have a very good talent and everybody has a talent even my grand ma and hers is to cook and sew”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure that the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas. The essay is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“My joy of being a kid is going shopping all the time and choosing what I want to and the Maine thing I do is go to the mall. witch is my favorite thing to do but when I grow up iam grown up to miss being a kid because iam going to have to go throw alot and I don't want that to happen and I know that's is hard because I know that is hard. because what I have seen on TV and alot of them have skipped school and flunk so I better enjoy my self while I can beacuse i kinda like to be a kid and when i grow up i want to be an hair stylist and have a good education and i wont be sad beacuse i will know wat to do and then i can teach other kids how to do hair and i think some of the girls will like it and they might fall in love with it just like i did. beacuse it is very fun being a kid beacuse you you have a very good talent and everybody has a talent even my grand ma and hers is to cook and sew”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Toy You Love

Think about a favorite toy you have now or had when you were younger. Describe the toy and tell why it is your favorite.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Have you ever had a favorite toy that you've cherished since you were a little kid? I had a stuffed toy that I love very much with all my heart. My favorite toy that I had when I was younger was my Build-A-Bear bunny named Dorinda. She was tan, with dark brown eyes, a pink nose, tall, floppy ears, and a white belly with white paws. This is my story that is all about my favorite stuffed animal, Dorinda the bunny.

My bunny, Dorinda, is my favorite toy because I used to treat her like she was my very own child. I would always dress her up in different clothes for each day and clean her fur with a brush. Sometimes, I used her bunny ears as hair, and tried to make a hairstyle out of it. I also got out my other stuffed animals so Dorinda wouldn't get bored. Sometimes when I was about to go to bed, I would rock Dorinda to sleep while my mom read us a bedtime story. It was just like I had a baby doll, except, she had fur instead of plastic.

The second reason why Dorinda is my favorite toy is because I customized her at the Build-A-Bear Workshop store. First, I got to pick out what animal I wanted, (which was a bunny), and named it Dorinda. Then, I went to the stuffing section to stuff her with cotton so she wouldn't stay flat like she was before I put cotton in her, and I put a sewn heart inside of her. After that, I picked out a couple of outfits for Dorinda to wear. Then, after my mom and I bought her, I got Build-A-Bear credits for creating Dorinda that I could use on the Build-A-Bear Workshop website. The workers of Build-A-Bear Workshop also gave me a certificate to show when I created Dorinda, her name, and the characteristics of her body.

She was always there to give me comfort and happiness. Most of the time, I would sleep with her at night if I got scared because of a bad dream. Sometimes if I was upset or frustrated, I would cuddle up with her so I'd feel better. Dorinda could always make me feel happy if I was upset about something or if I didn't feel right. Sometimes if my friends weren't available for me to play with, I'd play with Dorinda, so I wasn't bored if I didn't have anything else to do.

Overall, my favorite toy that I had when I was younger was my Build-A-Bear bunny named Dorinda, because I treated her like she was my very own child, I customized her as my own at the Build-A-Bear Workshop store, and she always gave me comfort and happiness. Yes, I also had other toys that I loved too, but some of them were either thrown away or I lost them. You probably have a toy that you still have and love also. Some of the toys I've had when I was younger, I've grown out of them. I will never grow out of my stuffed animal, Dorinda, the Build-A-Bear bunny, because I will always love her and she is very special to me.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience. The writer effectively completes all parts of the task and may go beyond the limits of the task . Notably, the essay leaves the readers with a clear picture of the loved toy and the ways it holds a special meaning in the writer’s memory.

The writer focuses solely on the loved toy and provides relevant details to guide the readers through the response. (“ My favorite toy that I had when I was younger was my Build-A-Bear bunny named Dorinda. She was tan, with dark brown eyes, a pink nose, tall, floppy ears, and a white belly with white paws. This is my story that is all about my favorite stuffed animal, Dorinda the bunny. My bunny, Dorinda, is my favorite toy because I used to treat her like she was my very own child. I would always dress her up in different clothes for each day and clean her fur with a brush. Sometimes, I used her bunny ears as hair, and tried to make a hairstyle out of it. I also got out my other stuffed animals so Dorinda wouldn't get bored. Sometimes when I was about to go to bed, I would rock Dorinda to sleep while my mom read us a bedtime story. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. (“ She was always there to give me comfort and happiness. Most of the time, I would sleep with her at night if I got scared because of a bad dream. Sometimes if I was upset or frustrated, I would cuddle up with her so I'd feel better. Dorinda could always make me feel happy if I was upset about something or if I didn't feel right. Sometimes if my friends weren't available for me to play with, I'd play with Dorinda, so I wasn't bored if I didn't have anything else to do. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ Have you ever had a favorite toy that you've cherished since you were a little kid? I had a stuffed toy that I love very much with all my heart. My favorite toy that I had when I was younger was my Build-A-Bear bunny named Dorinda. She was tan, with dark brown eyes, a pink nose, tall, floppy ears, and a white belly with white paws. This is my story that is all about my favorite stuffed animal, Dorinda the bunny. ”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully, using a wide variety of appropriate details for support.

Relevant descriptions illustrate the ways the writer played with his/her loved toy very effectively. (“My bunny, Dorinda, is my favorite toy because I used to treat her like she was my very own child. I would always dress her up in different clothes for each day and clean her fur with a brush. Sometimes, I used her bunny ears as hair, and tried to make a hairstyle out of it. I also got out my other stuffed animals so Dorinda wouldn't get bored. Sometimes when I was about to go to bed, I would rock Dorinda to sleep while my mom read us a bedtime story. It was just like I had a baby doll, except, she had fur instead of plastic.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (“The second reason why Dorinda is my favorite toy is because I customized her at the Build-A-Bear Workshop store. First, I got to pick out what animal I wanted, (which was a bunny), and named it Dorinda. Then, I went to the stuffing section to stuff her with cotton so she wouldn't stay flat like she was before I put cotton in her, and I put a sewn heart inside of her. After that, I picked out a couple of outfits for Dorinda to wear. Then, after my mom and I bought her, I got Build-A-Bear credits for creating Dorinda that I could use on the Build-A-Bear Workshop website. The workers of Build-A-Bear Workshop also gave me a certificate to show when I created Dorinda, her name, and the characteristics of her body.”)

Specific information about the loved toy is developed very effectively. (“She was always there to give me comfort and happiness. Most of the time, I would sleep with her at night if I got scared because of a bad dream. Sometimes if I was upset or frustrated, I would cuddle up with her so I'd feel better. Dorinda could always make me feel happy if I was upset about something or if I didn't feel right. Sometimes if my friends weren't available for me to play with, I'd play with Dorinda, so I wasn't bored if I didn't have anything else to do.”)

Organization

The writer effectively captures the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“Have you ever had a favorite toy that you've cherished since you were a little kid? I had a stuffed toy that I love very much with all my heart. My favorite toy that I had when I was younger was my Build-A-Bear bunny named Dorinda. She was tan, with dark brown eyes, a pink nose, tall, floppy ears, and a white belly with white paws. This is my story that is all about my favorite stuffed animal, Dorinda the bunny.”)

Transitions are used to connect ideas between sentences and paragraphs. (“First, I got to pick out what animal I wanted, (which was a bunny), and named it Dorinda. Then, I went to the stuffing section to stuff her with cotton so she wouldn't stay flat like she was before I put cotton in her, and I put a sewn heart inside of her. After that, I picked out a couple of outfits for Dorinda to wear. Then, after my mom and I bought her, I got Build-A-Bear credits for creating Dorinda that I could use on the Build-A-Bear Workshop website. The workers of Build-A-Bear Workshop also gave me a certificate to show when I created Dorinda, her name, and the characteristics of her body.”)

The writer includes an ending that summarizes the reasons why Dorinda the bunny was a loved toy and provides readers with a sense of closure. (“Overall, my favorite toy that I had when I was younger was my Build-A-Bear bunny named Dorinda, because I treated her like she was my very own child, I customized her as my own at the Build-A-Bear Workshop store, and she always gave me comfort and happiness. Yes, I also had other toys that I loved too, but some of them were either thrown away or I lost them. You probably have a toy that you still have and love also. Some of the toys I've had when I was younger, I've grown out of them. I will never grow out of my stuffed animal, Dorinda, the Build-A-Bear bunny, because I will always love her and she is very special to me.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is very effective. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the effectiveness of the overall response.

The writer chooses descriptive words to effectively describe the toy bunny he/she loved the most. (“ The second reason why Dorinda is my favorite toy is because I customized her at the Build-A-Bear Workshop store. First, I got to pick out what animal I wanted, (which was a bunny), and named it Dorinda. Then, I went to the stuffing section to stuff her with cotton so she wouldn't stay flat like she was before I put cotton in her, and I put a sewn heart inside of her. ”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“ My bunny, Dorinda, is my favorite toy because I used to treat her like she was my very own child. I would always dress her up in different clothes for each day and clean her fur with a brush. Sometimes, I used her bunny ears as hair, and tried to make a hairstyle out of it. I also got out my other stuffed animals so Dorinda wouldn't get bored. Sometimes when I was about to go to bed, I would rock Dorinda to sleep while my mom read us a bedtime story. It was just like I had a baby doll, except, she had fur instead of plastic.”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice throughout the response. (“ She was always there to give me comfort and happiness. Most of the time, I would sleep with her at night if I got scared because of a bad dream. Sometimes if I was upset or frustrated, I would cuddle up with her so I'd feel better. Dorinda could always make me feel happy if I was upset about something or if I didn't feel right. Sometimes if my friends weren't available for me to play with, I'd play with Dorinda, so I wasn't bored if I didn't have anything else to do. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and words are spelled correctly. (“ Have you ever had a favorite toy that you've cherished since you were a little kid? I had a stuffed toy that I love very much with all my heart. My favorite toy that I had when I was younger was my Build-A-Bear bunny named Dorinda. She was tan, with dark brown eyes, a pink nose, tall, floppy ears, and a white belly with white paws. ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Everyone has a favorite toy, whether it was from when you were younger or if you have it now. I know everyone in this world has had a favorite toy sometime in their life; I know I have. When I was little, my favorite toy was a Baby Alive doll. She was very special to me and she was always so amazing.

My Baby Alive doll was so awesome. When I first saw her, I knew she was right for me. My doll was the best present I ever got on my birthday; I was so excited it brought tears of joy to my eyes. When I think of this toy, it brings back so many memories. She is my favorite doll of all time.

My favorite toy was something that was so special. She had long eyelashes with cute, bright, brown eyes. When it was time for her to wake up, I would get so happy because her little eyes open slowly. I always tried to find names for her, so I went with the name Sarah. Sarah was a delicate doll with long, soft, black hair. Sarah had small hands and feet she also looked as if she was about four months old.

In my mind, Sarah was the best baby doll in the world. She could crawl, cry, laugh, scream, kick, drink, sleep, eat, poop, pee, and giggle, and if you didn't take care of her right, she could get sick, and we didn't need that to happen. She came with blankets, bottles, towels, pacifiers, outfits, two pairs of shoes, socks, and toys. Every day when I came home from school, she would be the first thing I played with. I just couldn't live without her. She could do everything other dolls couldn’t.

No one in this world can live without their favorite toy; I'm pretty sure I can’t. If I would have never received this gift, I don't know what my life would have been like. This gift brings back memories. Memories that are special, memories that will never melt away, and memories that I will most definitely never forget. Baby Alive dolls were the best dolls ever made.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is good focus and meaning throughout the essay. The writer establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience. He/she satisfies most parts of the prompt task.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention from the beginning. (“ Everyone has a favorite toy, whether it was from when you were younger or if you have it now. I know everyone in this world has had a favorite toy sometime in their life; I know I have. When I was little, my favorite toy was a Baby Alive doll. She was very special to me and she was always so amazing. ”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. (“ My favorite toy was something that was so special. She had long eyelashes with cute, bright, brown eyes. When it was time for her to wake up, I would get so happy because her little eyes open slowly. I always tried to find names for her, so I went with the name Sarah. Sarah was a delicate doll with long, soft, black hair. Sarah had small hands and feet she also looked as if she was about four months old. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very well. (“ In my mind, Sarah was the best baby doll in the world. She could crawl, cry, laugh, scream, kick, drink, sleep, eat, poop, pee, and giggle, and if you didn't take care of her right, she could get sick, and we didn't need that to happen. She came with blankets, bottles, towels, pacifiers, outfits, two pairs of shoes, socks, and toys. Every day when I came home from school, she would be the first thing I played with. I just couldn't live without her. She could do everything other dolls couldn’t. ”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient and appropriate details for support.

The content in the body of the paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain the main idea. (“Sarah was a delicate doll with long, soft, black hair. Sarah had small hands and feet she also looked as if she was about four months old. In my mind, Sarah was the best baby doll in the world. She could crawl, cry, laugh, scream, kick, drink, sleep, eat, poop, pee, and giggle, and if you didn't take care of her right, she could get sick, and we didn't need that to happen.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea in the topic sentence. (“When I first saw her, I knew she was right for me. My doll was the best present I ever got on my birthday; I was so excited it brought tears of joy to my eyes. When I think of this toy, it brings back so many memories. She is my favorite doll of all time. My favorite toy was something that was so special. She had long eyelashes with cute, bright, brown eyes. When it was time for her to wake up, I would get so happy because her little eyes open slowly. I always tried to find names for her, so I went with the name Sarah.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“In my mind, Sarah was the best baby doll in the world. She could crawl, cry, laugh, scream, kick, drink, sleep, eat, poop, pee, and giggle, and if you didn't take care of her right, she could get sick, and we didn't need that to happen. She came with blankets, bottles, towels, pacifiers, outfits, two pairs of shoes, socks, and toys. Every day when I came home from school, she would be the first thing I played with. I just couldn't live without her. She could do everything other dolls couldn’t.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a n effective introduction. (“ Everyone has a favorite toy, whether it was from when you were younger or if you have it now. I know everyone in this world has had a favorite toy sometime in their life; I know I have. When I was little, my favorite toy was a Baby Alive doll. She was very special to me and she was always so amazing. ”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or sentences are used well. (“ My Baby Alive doll was so awesome. When I first saw her, I knew she was right for me. My doll was the best present I ever got on my birthday; I was so excited it brought tears of joy to my eyes. When I think of this toy, it brings back so many memories. She is my favorite doll of all time. ”)

The essay’s conclusion sums up the writer’s thoughts about why the Baby Alive doll was the toy that was loved the most. (“ No one in this world can live without their favorite toy; I'm pretty sure I can’t. If I would have never received this gift, I don't know what my life would have been like. This gift brings back memories. Memories that are special, memories that will never melt away, and memories that I will most definitely never forget. Baby Alive dolls were the best dolls ever made. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good use of language, voice, and style throughout the essay. He/she demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, good voice, and a clear sense of audience. Additionally, the writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety .

The language and tone are consistent. (“ No one in this world can live without their favorite toy; I'm pretty sure I can’t. If I would have never received this gift, I don't know what my life would have been like. This gift brings back memories. Memories that are special, memories that will never melt away, and memories that I will most definitely never forget. ”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea. (“ My favorite toy was something that was so special. She had long eyelashes with cute, bright, brown eyes. When it was time for her to wake up, I would get so happy because her little eyes open slowly. I always tried to find names for her, so I went with the name Sarah. Sarah was a delicate doll with long, soft, black hair. Sarah had small hands and feet she also looked as if she was about four months old.”)

The writer employs good word choices to describe many of the things that the Baby Alive doll could do that made her so special and memorable. (“ In my mind, Sarah was the best baby doll in the world. She could crawl, cry, laugh, scream, kick, drink, sleep, eat, poop, pee, and giggle, and if you didn't take care of her right, she could get sick, and we didn't need that to happen. She came with blankets, bottles, towels, pacifiers, outfits, two pairs of shoes, socks, and toys. Every day when I came home from school, she would be the first thing I played with. I just couldn't live without her. She could do everything other dolls couldn’t. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and all new paragraphs are indicated with line breaks. (“ She came with blankets, bottles, towels, pacifiers, outfits, two pairs of shoes, socks, and toys. Every day when I came home from school, she would be the first thing I played with. I just couldn't live without her. She could do everything other dolls couldn’t.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

"To infinity and beyond!" Buzz Lightyear says. If I could choose any toy as my favorite, it would be my heroic Space Ranger toy, Buzz Lightyear. Buzz Lightyear is a Space Ranger who is from one of my favorite movies, Toy Story. Buzz's astronaut suit keeps him protected from all sorts of evil. The colors of the suit are white and green.

Up, up, and away! Since Buzz has a special button installed into his suit, he can fly. What I'd mainly do with him as a child was activate his wings and run around the house. Buzz didn't exactly fly, but I guess I just decided to at least try. Another thing I'd do was throw Buzz up in the air to watch him fly for a short period of time. I still can picture myself throwing Buzz into the air. The Autumn breeze blowing lightly across my face, Buzz's completely dark shadow covering my joyful eyes, and me raising my arms and hands catch the falling Buzz Light year.

In order to defeat evil villains, Buzz has a laser beam. Since I had an Emperor Zurg figure, I always used to make these two fight. In order for Buzz to win, I made him point his laser beam at Zurg. When I'd shoot, the beam would make a realistic sound. It kind of sounded like a POW!

All in all, Buzz Lightyear is my favorite toy because it could fly and it has a laser beam. Without Buzz Lightyear, maybe my childhood wouldn't be the same. I'm pretty lucky to have this awesome toy. Young or old, Buzz Lightyear will always be my favorite toy.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The thesis statement presents the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view of the writer adequately. (“‘To infinity and beyond!’ Buzz Lightyear says. If I could choose any toy as my favorite, it would be my heroic Space Ranger toy, Buzz Lightyear. Buzz Lightyear is a Space Ranger who is from one of my favorite movies, Toy Story. Buzz's astronaut suit keeps him protected from all sorts of evil. The colors of the suit are white and green.”)

There is adequate understanding of the intended audience. The writer is devoted to informing the readers about his/her most loved toy. (“In order to defeat evil villains, Buzz has a laser beam. Since I had an Emperor Zurg figure, I always used to make these two fight. In order for Buzz to win, I made him point his laser beam at Zurg. When I'd shoot, the beam would make a realistic sound. It kind of sounded like a POW! All in all, Buzz Lightyear is my favorite toy because it could fly and it has a laser beam. Without Buzz Lightyear, maybe my childhood wouldn't be the same.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“Up, up, and away! Since Buzz has a special button installed into his suit, he can fly. What I'd mainly do with him as a child was activate his wings and run around the house. Buzz didn't exactly fly, but I guess I just decided to at least try.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support.

The essay reveals adequate details that illustrate the main ideas. (“Up, up, and away! Since Buzz has a special button installed into his suit, he can fly. What I'd mainly do with him as a child was activate his wings and run around the house. Buzz didn't exactly fly, but I guess I just decided to at least try. Another thing I'd do was throw Buzz up in the air to watch him fly for a short period of time. I still can picture myself throwing Buzz into the air.”)

The explanations and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. However, providing more specific details would enhance the writer’s descriptions of the many things that make the toy the most loved in his/her mind. (“In order to defeat evil villains, Buzz has a laser beam. Since I had an Emperor Zurg figure, I always used to make these two fight. In order for Buzz to win, I made him point his laser beam at Zurg. When I'd shoot, the beam would make a realistic sound. It kind of sounded like a POW!”)

The writer provides anecdotal examples that are relevant. (“I still can picture myself throwing Buzz into the air. The Autumn breeze blowing lightly across my face, Buzz's completely dark shadow covering my joyful eyes, and me raising my arms and hands catch the falling Buzz Light year.”)

Organization

The beginning of the essay demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by using a famous Buzz Lightyear quote from the movie Toy Story . (“ ‘To infinity and beyond!’ Buzz Lightyear says. If I could choose any toy as my favorite, it would be my heroic Space Ranger toy, Buzz Lightyear. Buzz Lightyear is a Space Ranger who is from one of my favorite movies, Toy Story. Buzz's astronaut suit keeps him protected from all sorts of evil. The colors of the suit are white and green. ”)

Subtle transitions are used to connect ideas. (“ Another thing I'd do was throw Buzz up in the air to watch him fly for a short period of time. I still can picture myself throwing Buzz into the air. The Autumn breeze blowing lightly across my face, Buzz's completely dark shadow covering my joyful eyes, and me raising my arms and hands catch the falling Buzz Light year.”) The writer should incorporate more transitions to connect the ideas in a more meaningful way.

The writer’s conclusion, although brief, gives the readers a sense of closure. (“ All in all, Buzz Lightyear is my favorite toy because it could fly and it has a laser beam. Without Buzz Lightyear, maybe my childhood wouldn't be the same. I'm pretty lucky to have this awesome toy. Young or old, Buzz Lightyear will always be my favorite toy. ”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ Up, up, and away! Since Buzz has a special button installed into his suit, he can fly. What I'd mainly do with him as a child was activate his wings and run around the house. Buzz didn't exactly fly, but I guess I just decided to at least try.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the response. He/she provides language that adequately describes to the intended audience the reasons the toy was loved. (“ I still can picture myself throwing Buzz into the air. The Autumn breeze blowing lightly across my face, Buzz's completely dark shadow covering my joyful eyes, and me raising my arms and hands catch the falling Buzz Light year.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the essay. (“ In order to defeat evil villains, Buzz has a laser beam. Since I had an Emperor Zurg figure, I always used to make these two fight. In order for Buzz to win, I made him point his laser beam at Zurg. When I'd shoot, the beam would make a realistic sound. It kind of sounded like a POW! All in all, Buzz Lightyear is my favorite toy because it could fly and it has a laser beam. Without Buzz Lightyear, maybe my childhood wouldn't be the same.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure that sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have subject-verb agreement, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, words are spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs are indicated with line breaks. (“ Buzz Lightyear is a Space Ranger who is from one of my favorite movies, Toy Story. Buzz's astronaut suit keeps him protected from all sorts of evil. The colors of the suit are white and green.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

my favorite toy

When I was a baby I had a rattle it was fun to have it and it was blue&black. But black was my least favorite color. Played with my rattle every single day after day after day. Until I was 4 year old and I stopped playing with a rattle and started playing with real toys like power rangers.

The first reason I like my rattle because it was my favorite two colors Blue&Black. The Blue was standing out because it was so shine to me. The Black was just very dark to me and to every one that was looking .

The Second reason when I was 2 I steel had my rattle. I had one that I scared half to death and he was very scared of me that & my sister, when she was a baby I played peek a boo and was not fun to play with her. She cut me hit me bit me and it hurt.

The third reason I was steel to 2 and I name my rattle spike because it can hit people with it and it hurt really bad to. But they hit me back with there hand. it really would hurt me really bad because I was steel a baby.

So I really love my rattle when I was a baby because it was so fun to have my rattle. I can hit people with my rattle on every were to. It was good to have my rattle with me at all time at every were.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Focus and meaning are limited in the essay. The writer establishes a limited controlling idea and demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she provides limited descriptions and details that may not give the readers a clear understanding of the intended message. Only some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The controlling idea is revealed in a very limited way. (“When I was a baby I had a rattle it was fun to have it and it was blue&black. But black was my least favorite color. Played with my rattle every single day after day after day. Until I was 4 year old and I stopped playing with a rattle and started playing with real toys like power rangers.”)

The focus of the essay is limited. The writer focuses on the rattle as the toy he/she loved, but the description is limited at best. (“The first reason I like my rattle because it was my favorite two colors Blue&Black. The Blue was standing out because it was so shine to me. The Black was just very dark to me and to every one that was looking .”)

The writer provides limited examples in the essay and should include more meaningful examples to illustrate the importance of the toy he/she loved. Including more relevant details would help the readers picture the subject of the essay in their minds. (“The Second reason when I was 2 I steel had my rattle. I had one that I scared half to death and he was very scared of me that & my sister, when she was a baby I played peek a boo and was not fun to play with her. She cut me hit me bit me and it hurt.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. He/she develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support.

The essay reveals limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“The Second reason when I was 2 I steel had my rattle. I had one that I scared half to death and he was very scared of me that & my sister, when she was a baby I played peek a boo and was not fun to play with her. She cut me hit me bit me and it hurt.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. (“The third reason I was steel to 2 and I name my rattle spike because it can hit people with it and it hurt really bad to. But they hit me back with there hand. it really would hurt me really bad because I was steel a baby.”)

The explanations and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“The first reason I like my rattle because it was my favorite two colors Blue&Black. The Blue was standing out because it was so shine to me. The Black was just very dark to me and to every one that was looking .”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a limited introduction. The writer discloses his/her loved toy, but with limited background information and descriptive details, the readers struggle to picture the importance of the rattle in their minds. (“ When I was a baby I had a rattle it was fun to have it and it was blue&black. But black was my least favorite color. Played with my rattle every single day after day after day. Until I was 4 year old and I stopped playing with a rattle and started playing with real toys like power rangers.”)

Strong transitions between paragraphs and between sentences are needed to enhance the flow of the writer’s ideas. (“ The Second reason when I was 2 I steel had my rattle. I had one that I scared half to death and he was very scared of me that & my sister, when she was a baby I played peek a boo and was not fun to play with her. She cut me hit me bit me and it hurt.”)

The conclusion is weak and repetitious. (“ So I really love my rattle when I was a baby because it was so fun to have my rattle. I can hit people with my rattle on every were to. It was good to have my rattle with me at all time at every were.”)

Language Use & Style

There is repetition. (“ The Second reason when I was 2 I steel had my rattle. I had one that I scared half to death and he was very scared of me that & my sister, when she was a baby I played peek a boo and was not fun to play with her. She cut me hit me bit me and it hurt. The third reason I was steel to 2 and I name my rattle spike because it can hit people with it and it hurt really bad to. But they hit me back with there hand. it really would hurt me really bad because I was steel a baby.”)

There are sentence fragments in the essay. (“ Played with my rattle every single day after day after day. Until I was 4 year old and I stopped playing with a rattle and started playing with real toys like power rangers.”)

The sentences are too informal, and word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the writer’s ideas to the intended audience. (“ The first reason I like my rattle because it was my favorite two colors Blue&Black. The Blue was standing out because it was so shine to me. The Black was just very dark to me and to every one that was looking .”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should make sure each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with line breaks, and words are spelled and used correctly within the context of sentences. (“The third reason I was steel to 2 and I name my rattle spike because it can hit people with it and it hurt really bad to. But they hit me back with there hand. it really would hurt me really bad because I was steel a baby.”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I was so happy I got the power wheel becuase I liked alot of things about it. Like it was just the right size for me. It was really fast like a motocycle to me. Plus it even had a raidio. It also had shiny silver rims on it.

But one day I was upset becuase I had to give it away becuase,I was to big for it .But at first I felt very very sad. But then I felt proud becuase i gave it away to somboady who needed toys.

I am still kind of sad becuase I had to give it away. But I wont forget how I got it and how I liked it so much. I also wont forget how was brave and gave my power wheel away.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay only minimally includes a central/controlling idea. (“I was so happy I got the power wheel becuase I liked alot of things about it. ”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give the readers a true sense of the toy being described. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“ I was so happy I got the power wheel becuase I liked alot of things about it. Like it was just the right size for me. It was really fast like a motocycle to me. Plus it even had a raidio. It also had shiny silver rims on it. ”)

The writer’s details are minimally developed. (“ I am still kind of sad becuase I had to give it away. But I wont forget how I got it and how I liked it so much. I also wont forget how was brave and gave my power wheel away. ”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s thesis statement. (“Like it was just the right size for me. It was really fast like a motocycle to me. Plus it even had a raidio. It also had shiny silver rims on it.”)

The writer does not adequately develop at least three main ideas as evidence. (“But one day I was upset becuase I had to give it away becuase,I was to big for it .But at first I felt very very sad. But then I felt proud becuase i gave it away to somboady who needed toys. ”)

Details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. These details should include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations that give the readers a clear picture of the many things that made the power wheel the toy the writer loved. (“I am still kind of sad becuase I had to give it away. But I wont forget how I got it and how I liked it so much. I also wont forget how was brave and gave my power wheel away. ”)

Organization

The essay’s organization is minimal as well. The writer provides an opening that minimally reveals the purpose of the prompt task. The response lacks effective transitional devices and paragraphing. Furthermore, the essay demonstrates little evidence of a strong ending.

The essay does not effectively grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ I was so happy I got the power wheel becuase I liked alot of things about it. ”)

There is little evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ It was really fast like a motocycle to me. Plus it even had a raidio. It also had shiny silver rims on it. ”)

The essay does little to include a strong conclusion. (“ I also wont forget how was brave and gave my power wheel away. ”)

Language Use & Style

Sentences are short and, in some cases, fragmented. (“ Like it was just the right size for me. It was really fast like a motocycle to me. Plus it even had a raidio. ”)

There is repetition. The writer overuses the word “because,” for example, which detracts from the intended message. (“ But one day I was upset becuase I had to give it away becuase,I was to big for it .But at first I felt very very sad. But then I felt proud becuase i gave it away to somboady who needed toys. ”)

The writer relies on simple sentence structures and word choices. (“ I am still kind of sad becuase I had to give it away. But I wont forget how I got it and how I liked it so much. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate and organize ideas. (“ But one day I was upset becuase I had to give it away becuase,I was to big for it .But at first I felt very very sad. But then I felt proud becuase i gave it away to somboady who needed toys. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

my favorite toy is a barbie dream house it is soooooooooo! huge you will no belive it at all but when you play with it you wont stop playing with it. I got it for my birthday when I was 6 years old. And I keped it for three years so far and I will keep it all my life untill I die. I will treasure when or before I die the end!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. The writer does not establish a strong controlling idea and demonstrates little or no understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. The writer barely completes any parts of the task.

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience because he/she does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“ I got it for my birthday when I was 6 years old. And I keped it for three years so far and I will keep it all my life untill I die.”)

The writer states a weak central/controlling idea. (“ my favorite toy is a barbie dream house it is soooooooooo! huge you will no belive it at all but when you play with it you wont stop playing with it.”)

The lack of specific details renders the writer’s message ineffective and incomplete. (“I will treasure when or before I die the end!”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer neglects to develop ideas, using little or no details for support.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“my favorite toy is a barbie dream house it is soooooooooo! huge you will no belive it at all but when you play with it you wont stop playing with it.”)

In the one-paragraph response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs. At least three main ideas should be included as evidence. (“my favorite toy is a barbie dream house it is soooooooooo! huge you will no belive it at all but when you play with it you wont stop playing with it. I got it for my birthday when I was 6 years old. And I keped it for three years so far and I will keep it all my life untill I die. I will treasure when or before I die the end!”)

Details are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Details could include examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations to bring the writer’s ideas to life. (“ I got it for my birthday when I was 6 years old. And I keped it for three years so far and I will keep it all my life untill I die.”)

Organization

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ my favorite toy is a barbie dream house it is soooooooooo! huge you will no belive it at all but when you play with it you wont stop playing with it.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ I got it for my birthday when I was 6 years old. And I keped it for three years so far and I will keep it all my life untill I die.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ I will treasure when or before I die the end!”)

Language Use & Style

There are run-on sentences in the essay. (“ my favorite toy is a barbie dream house it is soooooooooo! huge you will no belive it at all but when you play with it you wont stop playing with it. ”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ And I keped it for three years so far and I will keep it all my life untill I die. I will treasure when or before I die the end!”)

The writer relies on simple sentences and word choices. (“I got it for my birthday when I was 6 years old.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

What Do You Value?

Some people say that the most valuable things in life aren't material things like money, jewels, or cars, but rather emotions like friendship, love, and happiness.

Do you agree with this statement? Write an essay that convinces your classmates which kinds of things are more valuable and why. Be sure to give specific reasons and examples.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

What do I value? There are a lot of countries on this planet that are not free, that is, they do not respect the freedom of its citizens to choose their own government. The citizens living that particular country have every second of their life controlled by the ruler of the country. Therefore, freedom is something I value greatly. Another thing I value is music. It is very important to me and I listen to it over the computer all of the time. Lastly, sports make life much more fun. If your stressed and you go play a game of football there is a very good chance you won't be stressed after the game. I know that works for me quite well. Hopefully you have a sport that you can play just for fun to get all of the stress out of your mind.

First, freedom is a wonderful thing. America is one of the brightest countries to represent freedom. Americans can do whatever they want when they want to, besides murder and crimes because we have laws to keep the citizens safe. Some other free countries are Canada and Australia. Someday I hope that all countries on this planet will be free, and that all citizens will be able to do what they want when they want to. Some countries have rulers that if you approach him without being asked it is as simple as "have him killed" and that is it you're dead. Luckily, more and more countries are becoming free.

Second, I value music. I don't know what I would do without it. There is all kinds of music. Some gets you pumped up before a football game, some helps you feel happy when your down in the dumps. Without music, movies, plays, and other activities would be dull. Some newer musical inventions are ipods and mp3 player. Hopefully someday music will be available to all people in all countries. I have a computer that plays music, so I'm very lucky.

Finally, I value sports millions of people around the world play sports every day. Golf, football, soccer, baseball, lacrosse, boxing, and volleyball are all sports. My favorite sport is football. It is a very complex game with lots if thinking involved. When you practice you learn how to hit, how to block, but most importantly you learn discipline. You have to listen to your coach and follow directions. It takes a lot of practice to get really good at football. I value football because of the discipline involved every time you step on to the field.

In conclusion, I value sports, freedom, and music. All are a huge part of my life. I think that people often take freedom for granted. American people can do whatever they want when they want to. People in countries that are not free have every second of their life controlled but the ruler of their country. You learned what I value, freedom, sports, and music. All are very important and mean a lot to me.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Content & Development

The essay develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details to support ideas. The essay’s relevant points explain and illustrate very effectively. (“ Some other free countries are Canada and Australia.”) Supporting details develop the example well. (“ Some countries have rulers that if you approach him without being asked it is as simple as ‘have him killed’ and that is it you're dead.”) The essay includes facts and statistics, examples, brief narratives or explanations that tell a small story, people's actual words or quotes, or a definition of a difficult or important word about each of the main ideas.

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, effective use of paragraphing, and effective use of transitional devices throughout. Paragraphing is used to separate each valued thing, which helps readers visually organize information before they even begin reading the response. Each paragraph begins with a description of the thing the author values. While this isn’t particularly creative, it effectively organizes the content. The essay demonstrates a very effective introduction, which includes a thesis statement as well as specific examples of the valued things. There are some transitions used, and they are very effective for this grade level. (“ Finally, I value sports millions of people around the world play sports every day.”) The conclusion summarizes the main points of the essay very effectively for an elementary-level writer. (“ In conclusion, I value sports, freedom, and music. All are a huge part of my life.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, a clear sense of audience, and well-structured and varied sentences. The language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ When you practice you learn how to hit, how to block, but most importantly you learn discipline. You have to listen to your coach and follow directions.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay uses very effective control of conventions and mechanics. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb, ends with a punctuation mark, is indented when beginning a new paragraph, and begins with a capital letter. There are a few mistakes with spelling and mechanics, but the author’s intent is clear. (“ If your stressed and you go play a game of football there is a very good chance you won't be stressed after the game.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In life there are things that you value and things that you don't. Because the country I live in is free, I value my freedom and my ability to make my own choices without a dictator or king telling me what I can and can't do. At school, I have many friends; I value that because some people don't have any friends and I know this can be very tough for them. After school, I go home and watch television. When I watch TV, I mainly watch humor shows like Family Guy. Also, I really value my country's freedom and that we have soldiers serving across the seas working to protect that freedom.

Although sometimes my friends and I do not get along, it is still very nice to have so many. Sometimes I see kids getting picked on and they have no friends there to comfort them or stand up for them. Because I have such good friends when I get picked on they stand up for me; I value that. I really like going over to my friend’s houses. My friends, who invite me over to their houses, let me know that they value our friendship. Also when they invite me over, I invite them over later to say thank you.

Even though some television shows or people are occasionally not very humorous, I still will ask for another joke or watch them again. When I'm bored, I look for humor to get me awake and give me something to think about. Also I get my really funny jokes from joke books and television. My friends, who like my hilarious jokes, always ask for more. It is proven that when people laugh or hear a joke that feel better. I don't like it when people try to act funny. It really annoys me.

Because we have soldiers over sea fighting to keep America and its people free, I feel very auspicious. When I am in Social Studies class, I read and learn about countries overseas who aren't free and are constantly fighting in wars and looking for peace. I can't understand why people fight over such dumb things because eventually other countries are going to be pulled into the war for no reason. I like that we help keep the world safe. I also value the ability to make my own decisions and not have a dictator tell me what to do.

In summary, I value a lot of things. The ability to be free and to make my own decisions, all my friends, and humorous jokes and television shows. These are some of the most important things for me. What are yours?

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay uses good focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea, demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes most parts of the task . The essay begins with a strong opinion statement that sets the tone of the response. (“ In life, there are things that you value and things that you don't. Because the country I live in is free, I value my freedom and my ability to make my own choices without a dictator or king telling me what I can and can't do.”) This grabs readers’ attention very effectively. The author decides to mention several items instead of a single thing they value. This is okay as long as all of the details used in the essay relate to these ideas. The language of the thesis fits the effective examples well. (“ My friends, who like my hilarious jokes, always ask for more. It is proven that when people laugh or hear a joke that feel better.”) There may occasionally be some irrelevant information, but the majority of the content is on topic. (“I don't like it when people try to act funny. It really annoys me.”)

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient appropriate details to support ideas. Supporting details develop the example presented in the essay well. (“ When I am in Social Studies class, I read and learn about countries overseas who aren't free and are constantly fighting in wars and looking for peace.”) The content in the body paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“ I like that we help keep the world safe.”) The number of supporting details is more than adequate to support the thesis. (“These are some of the most important things for me. What are yours?”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and consistent use of transitional devices. The introduction lists the items the author cares about in a reasonably creative and interesting way. Each paragraph is devoted to a specific part of the argument. (“At school, I have many friends; I value that because some people don't have any friends and I know this can be very tough for them.”) There are some transitions used to move between ideas. (“In summary, I value a lot of things.”) Finally, the conclusion effectively sums up the theme of the essay without completely restating every item in great detail. (“The ability to be free and to make my own decisions, all my friends, and humorous jokes and television shows.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice, a clear sense of audience, and well-structured sentences with some variety. The language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ When I'm bored, I look for humor to get me excited and give me something to think about.”) Language is occasionally informal, but the majority of the content is sufficiently sophisticated for the audience and this grade level. (“I can't understand why people fight over such dumb things because eventually other countries are going to be pulled into the war for no reason.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay uses good control of conventions and mechanics. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, m ost sentences have a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and begin with a capital letter. There are some incomplete sentences present, but they do not interfere with the clarity of the author’s intent. (“ The ability to be free and to make my own decisions, all my friends, and humorous jokes and television shows”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The most valuable things aren't money, jewels, or cars. The most valuable thing in life is my family, friends, and your own life. These are the most valuable things in life.

The reason why I choose my family is because you can't replace your family's love for you. Also, you can't replace your family's life and nice it goes away they aren't coming back. Another thing is that you need your family to feel complete inside.

The next thing that I think is valuable is friends. The reason why friends are valuable is because they are there for you if you need them. Also, they are there for you when a loved one has passed away.

The last thing that I think is valuable in life is your own life. There are many reasons why your life is most valuable. One of the reasons why your life is valuable is because your life can't be replaced by something else. Another reason is that your family blesses your life each and every day. Even though they might not show it they still love you.

In conclusion, don't take your family as not something that is valuable because you can't replace your family's love for you. Don't make friends as something that are not valuable because they are there for you when you need them the most. Last but not least, make sure you value your own life because you can't replace your life with someone else's.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea and demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience and completes many parts of the task. The essay is very formulaic and adequately focused. It does not attempt to provide a particularly creative introduction, but it does let readers know what the essay is about in a very clear way. (“ The most valuable things aren't money, jewels, or cars. The most valuable thing in life is my family, friends, and your own life.”) The writer understands the intended audience adequately. The response is not overly formal, but it does not have grossly informal language or irrelevant information. The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience, and there is little use of slang or contractions.

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. It develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details to support ideas. The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“ Also, you can't replace your family's life and nice it goes away they aren't coming back.”) The main ideas in the body paragraphs support the thesis. (“ One of the reasons why your life is valuable is because your life can't be replaced by something else.”) The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. At least three details are stated about each main idea. The response could use additional examples to strengthen the argument, but this is adequate.

Organization

The essay uses adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, but there is inconsistent use of paragraphing and inconsistent use of transitional devices. The introduction is merely adequate at establishing the intent of the essay. The thesis is very direct and adequately focused. It could use some additional detail and creativity. (“The most valuable thing in life is my family, friends, and your own life. These are the most valuable things in life.”) Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately for an elementary-level writer. The conclusion sums up many of the ideas presented.

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. Sentence lengths are adequately varied. Exact and specific words from the research and the prompt task are used adequately. Word choices are sometimes poor. (“ One of the reasons why your life is valuable is because your life can't be replaced by something else.”) Sentence structure may sound awkward, but the author’s intent is clear. (“Another reason is that your family blesses your life each and every day.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates adequate control of mechanics and conventions. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb, many sentences end with a punctuation mark, many sentences are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and many sentences begin with a capital letter. Mistakes that are present, like the misuse of punctuation, do not interfere with meaning. (“ Even though they might not show it they still love you.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I what to value are friendship , love , and happiness because I think that what I what to value because I agree . I think that with good friends, my friends and I can have fun forever. I’m really glad I have my friends and I’ll tell you why.

First, friendship I have friendship with a lot of friends. Really my friends are kind of cool in some ways. I think it is kind of cool to hang out with at school. My friends are really nice to me at school.

Second, with love I love my whole family sometimes. I really love my grandma, grandpa, and their new house. I love my grandma's flowers a lot. I’m glad they are around.

Finally, with happiness, my friends and I can be very happy, because we have happiness inside of ourselves. This is so we know when we are happy or not.

In conclusion, that I agree with happiness, love, and friendship because I have all of that. So I and my friends will have friendship for a pretty long time . Thanks for reading.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience and completes only some parts of the task. In this case, the author’s intent is clear after some examination, but the simplicity of the response hurts the author’s credibility. (“ With friendship your friends and I can have friendship forever.”) Generally, the essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The writing style is not always appropriate for the audience, even at the relatively forgiving elementary level. (“ Finally, with happiness, I and my friends can be happy.”) It is sometimes difficult to understand what the author intends to say. (“I love my grandma's flowers a lot.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. It develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support ideas. There is limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas in the essay. Some of the ideas do not make sense. (“Finally, with happiness, my friends and I can be very happy, because we have happiness inside of ourselves. This is so we know when we are happy or not.”) The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. More details are needed for each paragraph. This would help readers understand what the author is getting at. As it is now, we can tell what the author is writing about generally (family, friends, etc.), but there are not enough supporting details to really understand his or her feelings.

Organization

The essay has limited organization. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, lacks paragraphing, and lacks some transitional devices. The essay demonstrates evidence of a good introduction, but it is too brief to receive an adequate score. The essay is not very creative, but it does include a clear thesis. (“ I think that with good friends, my friends and I can have fun forever.”) There are few transitions. There is no attempt to provide any background information for readers unfamiliar with the prompt. There is a conclusion, but it is brief. (“In conclusion, that I agree with happiness, love, and friendship because I have all of that.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates simple language and word choice and some awareness of audience and control of voice. Sentence lengths are short, there is repetition, and additional transitions are needed. The writer should include more varied and appropriate transitions in the essay. The style is not formal. The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“ In conclusion, that I agree with happiness, love, and friendship because I have all of that.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. The author should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. This particular response has many errors in period and comma usage. The author seems to understand the basics, but he or she needs to improve control. (“ In conclusion, that I agree with happiness, love, and friendship because I have all of that.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Many people think that only money, jewels, cars and other things that cost a lot are valuable. But life has many more valuable things than money and all the other things that cost a lot. For example the friendship, and love. For friendship my friends are Jamilex H. ,Aileen C, Arlene and many other friends. But my most valuable thing by far is my family.

Many people think that life isn't important but life is a miracle. For example doing different things with them. It’s always a lot of fun.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. The writer suggests a controlling idea but demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and completes few parts of the task. The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The author’s intent is clear, but the lack of content hurts the essay. There is no immediately definable thesis statement. (“ But life has many more valuable things than money and all the other things that cost a lot.”)

Content & Development

The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support. There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. The writer does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. Each main idea should be written as topic sentence in its own body paragraph. Details present minimally explain and illustrate the evidence. (“ For friendship my friends are Jamilex H. ,Aileen C, Arlene and many other friends.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. The introduction includes little background information about the topic. There is little evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. The writer does little to include a strong conclusion; instead, the essay drops off abruptly. (“ It’s always a lot of fun.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience and makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. Sentence lengths are short, and t here is some repetition. The writer should use more varied and appropriate transitions. The style is not sufficiently formal. (“ But life has many more valuable things than money and all the other things that cost a lot.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are patterns of error in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not end each sentence with a punctuation mark or begin each sentence with a capital letter. There are some sentences that are fragmented. (“But my most valuable thing by far is my family.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I think love and happiness is the most important thing you could ever have. with out it you wooldent have eney thing you would be lonly and sad a lot of pepole are like that . also the peopel that are like that feal like porpickt on. It’s like the whole world hates them and thay hate the world to so dont be a loner.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer fails to establish a controlling idea, demonstrates no understanding of purpose and audience, and completes no parts of the task. T he essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The writer does not state the central/controlling idea of the essay. In the introduction, the supporting idea of the essay is not stated. The point of view or argument of the essay is not stated. There does seem to be evidence of a thesis, but it is not well developed. (“ I think love and happiness is the most important thing you could ever have.”)

Content & Development

The writer fails to develop ideas and uses no details for support. Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. Details are not used to explain and illustrate evidence. The few ideas that are present are not well developed and are difficult to understand with all of the other mechanical problems. (“ with out it you wooldent have eney thing you would be lonly and sad a lot of pepole are like that”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure, no introduction or conclusion, and no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices. The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. There may or may not be a conclusion depending on how you define it, but it is very poorly developed. (“ It’s like the whole world hates them and thay hate the world to so dont be a loner.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. Sentence lengths are short, t here is repetition, and t ransitions are needed. The style is not formal. The lack of control over the language and word choice makes this essay almost impossible to understand. (“ also the peopel that are like that feal like porpickt on.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the message. The author does not indent when beginning a new paragraph, and each sentence does not begin with a capital letter. Spelling errors make this essay especially laborious to understand. (“also the peopel that are like that feal like porpickt on.”)

What I Like Best About School

What do you like best about school? Write an essay in which you discuss your favorite thing about school. Be sure to give specific examples and details.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

‘School is boring!’ ‘I hate school,’ say some. But in my opinion, school is where I really would like to be. You can see your friends, make new friends, and learn all at the same time. But nobody actually likes school if they think it’s hard, or it’s boring, or maybe they don’t have any classes with their friends. There are some kids in the world, that aren’t allowed to have school. So, I am grateful and I love school.

The best thing I like about school is that I have almost all of my friends there. I’m not an anti-social person, but I’m not so extroverted or outgoing either so it mostly balances it out. My family and friends are the most precious things in the world to me besides my favorite music by my favorite bands. I’m not a very feminine young woman, so I have more of a personality of a guy than a girl. Thus, I hang out with my guy friends more often. Friends are the most important people in school to you. You must hold them close to you, but not get too clingy either. Fondness makes the heart grow stronger.

The next reason I like school is that you learn and sometimes have fun in your class. For one instance, in algebra, we usually have one worksheet and Mr. Mallace, the Algebra teacher, explains it to us. (I just try and finish the worksheet while he explains it to the rest of the class.) When we finish the worksheet, he puts on his New-Age music and we have to keep our voices hushed enough to hear it and we would have to sit down unless we were getting up to get a puzzle game. Algebra is my favorite subject in school.

The last thing I like about school is that you can get so many opportunities when you’re in school. You can go on field trips and learn how Ice Cream factories work, or maybe how scientists are making discoveries every day. Try and ask your teacher to put you in advanced or lower classes if you already know the material or if you’re having difficulty learning it. With enough studying and hard work, all of that will pay off. You would earn a reward or a rare opportunity to do something important. I know that with a lot of solid effort and staying focused, you will earn something great. People are always amazed at how proficient and skilled other people are, especially young people like you and me.

Believe me, school is somewhere you NEED to be. Education is key to a good start to a beneficial and eclectic life. Have fun with each turn you have. Take every opportunity you can get and use it. Be friendly and respect others the way you would what to be treated by others. That’s the golden rule in most schools: stay focused and just go with the flow. Who knows? You just might get a teacher who plays New-Age music when he’s teaching, or a P.E. coach that used to be a professional football player, and he’s only 50! But, the point I want to say is, stay in school and do your best.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay displays very effective focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea, demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, completes all parts of the task, and may even go beyond the limits of the task.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by very effectively using an interesting statement, a question, or an engaging statement at the beginning of the introduction. (“ ‘School is boring!’ ‘I hate school,’ say some. But in my opinion, school is where I really would like to be.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. (“ Friends are the most important people in school to you. You must hold them close to you, but not get too clingy either. Fondness makes the heart grow stronger.)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with details about why the writer enjoys going to school. (“ The last thing I like about school is that you can get so many opportunities when you’re in school. You can go on field trips and learn how Ice Cream factories work, or maybe how scientists are making discoveries every day.”)

Content & Development

Very effective content and development are demonstrated in this essay. It develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details for support.

The writer uses at least four details about the benefits of going to school in the third body paragraph that effectively explain the main idea. (“ The last thing I like about school is that you can get so many opportunities when you’re in school. You can go on field trips and learn how Ice Cream factories work, or maybe how scientists are making discoveries every day. Try and ask your teacher to put you in advanced or lower classes if you already know the material or if you’re having difficulty learning it. With enough studying and hard work, all of that will pay off. You would earn a reward or a rare opportunity to do something important. I know that with a lot of solid effort and staying focused, you will earn something great. People are always amazed at how proficient and skilled other people are, especially young people like you and me.”)

Supporting details develop the example in the second body paragraph well. (“ For one instance, in algebra, we usually have one worksheet and Mr. Mallace, the Algebra teacher, explains it to us. I just try and finish the worksheet while he explains it to the rest of the class. When we finish the worksheet, he puts on his New-Age music and we have to keep our voices hushed enough to hear it and we would have to sit down unless we were getting up to get a puzzle game. Algebra is my favorite subject in school.”)

The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain the paragraph’s main idea. (“ The best thing I like about school is that I have almost all of my friends there. I’m not an anti-social person, but I’m not so extroverted or outgoing either so it mostly balances it out. My family and friends are the most precious things in the world to me besides my favorite music by my favorite bands. I’m not a very feminine young woman, so I have more of a personality of a guy than a girl. Thus, I hang out with my guy friends more often. Friends are the most important people in school to you. You must hold them close to you, but not get too clingy either. Fondness makes the heart grow stronger.”)

Organization

There is very effective organization in this essay. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction, a strong conclusion, and effective use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout.

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ ‘School is boring!’ ‘I hate school,’ say some.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ You must hold them close to you, but not get too clingy either. Fondness makes the heart grow stronger…The next reason I like school is that you learn and sometimes have fun in your class. For one instance, in algebra, we usually have one worksheet and Mr. Mallace, the Algebra teacher, explains it to us.”)

The conclusion very effectively leaves the readers with something to think about; for example, how to find out more about the subject. (“ Believe me, school is somewhere you NEED to be. Education is key to a good start to a beneficial and eclectic life. Have fun with each turn you have. Take every opportunity you can get and use it. Be friendly and respect others the way you would what to be treated by others. That’s the golden rule in most schools: stay focused and just go with the flow. Who knows? You just might get a teacher who plays New-Age music when he’s teaching, or a P.E. coach that used to be a professional football player, and he’s only 50! But, the point I want to say is, stay in school and do your best.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer also exhibits very effective language use and style in this essay. He or she demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, a clear sense of audience, and uses well-structured and varied sentences.

The language and tone are consistent throughout the introduction, allowing it to be much more engaging. (“ ‘School is boring!’ ‘I hate school,’ say some. But in my opinion, school is where I really would like to be. You can see your friends, make new friends, and learn all at the same time. But nobody actually likes school if they think it’s hard, or it’s boring, or maybe they don’t have any classes with their friends. There are some kids in the world, that aren’t allowed to have school. So, I am grateful and I love school.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ I know that with a lot of solid effort and staying focused, you will earn something great. People are always amazed at how proficient and skilled other people are, especially young people like you and me…Believe me, school is somewhere you NEED to be. Education is key to a good start to a beneficial and eclectic life.”)

The compound-complex sentence, “ You just might get a teacher who plays New-Age music when he’s teaching, or a P.E. coach that used to be a professional football player, and he’s only 50!” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates very effective control of conventions and mechanics. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), ends with a punctuation mark, and begins with a capital letter. (“I’m not a very feminine young woman, so I have more of a personality of a guy than a girl.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

School is fun. A lot of people say school is boring, but I think school is awesome. If you do your work correctly and pay attention in class, school would be easy as cake. School isn't always about schoolwork. It could be about extra curricular activities such as drama, dance, cheerleading, football, basketball, band, and much more. But if you want to do extra curricular activities, you have to keep up with your grades.

The one thing I am really passionate about in school is math. I love math. Most people think that math is complicated and hard. But I think that it is very exciting and easy. It's exciting to me because its always fun learning how to do something new or learning how to solve a different type of equation.

Another thing I really like about school is to see my friends between classes. I like seeing my friends between classes because I get to see my friends that I don't see everyday. That makes it a good time to socialize with your friends. But I still have to make sure that I get to class on time, so I can't spend too much time socializing.

Additionally, school lets me express my feelings by letting me do my assignments, and whatever I get on that assignment demonstrates how much I really care about that particular subject or area. Whenever I have to study for a test or quiz, it also shows how much I really care about it before I take it. So hopefully, any test or quiz that I studied well for, I will receive a decent grade.

I really cherish school, even though sometimes it doesn't seem all that great. But, you can get a lot out of going to school. School is a very important part of my life, and I hope it is for you too. It might not seem all that important, but it really is. So I hope you get something out of this essay, and make it apart of your life. Good luck in school.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are shown in this essay. The writer establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea, demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes most parts of the task.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by using an interesting statement, a question, or an engaging statement in the beginning of the introduction. (“ School is fun. A lot of people say school is boring, but I think school is awesome.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. (“ Another thing I really like about school is to see my friends between classes. I like seeing my friends between classes because I get to see my friends that I don't see everyday. That makes it a good time to socialize with your friends.”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about why the writer finds school enjoyable and worthwhile. (“ Additionally, school lets me express my feelings by letting me do my assignments, and whatever I get on that assignment demonstrates how much I really care about that particular subject or area. Whenever I have to study for a test or quiz, it also shows how much I really care about it before I take it.”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas clearly and uses sufficient and appropriate details for support.

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“ Another thing I really like about school is to see my friends between classes. I like seeing my friends between classes because I get to see my friends that I don't see everyday. That makes it a good time to socialize with your friends. But I still have to make sure that I get to class on time, so I can't spend too much time socializing.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“ Additionally, school lets me express my feelings by letting me do my assignments, and whatever I get on that assignment demonstrates how much I really care about that particular subject or area. Whenever I have to study for a test or quiz, it also shows how much I really care about it before I take it. So hopefully, any test or quiz that I studied well for, I will receive a decent grade.”)

Specific information about the writer’s opinion of math class is developed clearly. (“ The one thing I am really passionate about in school is math. I love math. Most people think that math is complicated and hard. But I think that it is very exciting and easy. It's exciting to me because its always fun learning how to do something new or learning how to solve a different type of equation.”)

Organization

There is good organization within this essay. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and consistent use of transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates a n effective introduction. (“ School is fun. A lot of people say school is boring, but I think school is awesome. If you do your work correctly and pay attention in class, school would be easy as cake. School isn't always about schoolwork. It could be about extra curricular activities such as drama, dance, cheerleading, football, basketball, band, and much more. But if you want to do extra curricular activities, you have to keep up with your grades.”)

Adequate background information about the topic is included in the introduction. (“ School is fun. A lot of people say school is boring, but I think school is awesome. If you do your work correctly and pay attention in class, school would be easy as cake. School isn't always about schoolwork. It could be about extra curricular activities such as drama, dance, cheerleading, football, basketball, band, and much more. But if you want to do extra curricular activities, you have to keep up with your grades.”)

The introduction includes a good sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ A lot of people say school is boring, but I think school is awesome.”)

The conclusion effectively teaches readers a lesson. (“ I really cherish school, even though sometimes it doesn't seem all that great. But, you can get a lot out of going to school. School is a very important part of my life, and I hope it is for you too. It might not seem all that important, but it really is. So I hope you get something out of this essay, and make it apart of your life. Good luck in school.” )

The introduction and conclusion are connected through the author’s ability to explain the possible benefits and enjoyment that result from attending school. (“ School is fun. A lot of people say school is boring, but I think school is awesome. If you do your work correctly and pay attention in class, school would be easy as cake. School isn't always about schoolwork. It could be about extra curricular activities such as drama, dance, cheerleading, football, basketball, band, and much more. But if you want to do extra curricular activities, you have to keep up with your grades… I really cherish school, even though sometimes it doesn't seem all that great. But, you can get a lot out of going to school. School is a very important part of my life, and I hope it is for you too. It might not seem all that important, but it really is. So I hope you get something out of this essay, and make it apart of your life. Good luck in school.”)

Language Use & Style

There is good language use and style in this essay. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choices with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. He/she also uses well-structured sentences with some variety.

The language and tone are consistent throughout the last body paragraph. (“ Additionally, school lets me express my feelings by letting me do my assignments, and whatever I get on that assignment demonstrates how much I really care about that particular subject or area. Whenever I have to study for a test or quiz, it also shows how much I really care about it before I take it. So hopefully, any test or quiz that I studied well for, I will receive a decent grade.”)

Coherent style and tone, such as in the sentence, “ I really cherish school, even though sometimes it doesn't seem all that great,” ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay.

The complex sentence, “ Additionally, school lets me express my feelings by letting me do my assignments, and whatever I get on that assignment demonstrates how much I really care about that particular subject or area,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of conventions and mechanics is demonstrated in this essay. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, all or most sentences have a line break when beginning a new paragraph, begin with a capital letter, end with a punctuation mark, and contain a subject and a verb (an action). (“ Another thing I really like about school is to see my friends between classes. I like seeing my friends between classes because I get to see my friends that I don't see everyday.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

The one thing I like best about school is being able to see my friends! I can talk to them without having to hold a phone to my ear the whole time! Plus, I like to play with them out at recess. Even walking at recess talking is fun. So know I'll give you reasons why I like being able to see my friends!

First of all, I like talking to my friends. I know you can talk to your friends on the phone but thats not as fun as talking to them in person! Then if their in person, you can tell them things that you wouldn't want to tell them on the phone. Like if you won a championship, you wouldn't want to tell them on the phone, you would want to tell them in person. Now do you understand why its better to talk to people in person?

Then, you can play with them. Even just walking around and talking is fun. Like when your at home if you have an older sibling they basically just ignore you. Then when you have a younger sibling they want to play games like stuffed animals or little cars. So when your at school out at recess you can do what you and your friends like to do. So that’s why its better to be with your friends at recess.

Last, but not least you can learn together. When your at home you would be tutored. Then when your at school the kids can help you understand better. When your at home, you don't always understand from whom ever is teaching you. So the kids at school can help you. Plus, you can help them too. It would make you feel good to know that you helped someone!

See these are just a couple of examples why I like my friends at school the best. You can talk to them. Play with at recess. Best of all you can learn together. That’s why I think its good to have good friends like mine!!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Adequate focus and meaning are achieved in this essay. It establishes a controlling idea and demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience while completing many parts of the task.

The thesis states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. (“The one thing I like best about school is being able to see my friends! I can talk to them without having to hold a phone to my ear the whole time!”)

The essay understands the intended audience adequately. (“Then if their in person, you can tell them things that you wouldn't want to tell them on the phone. Like if you won a championship, you wouldn't want to tell them on the phone, you would want to tell them in person.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience. There is little use of slang or contractions. (“So when your at school out at recess you can do what you and your friends like to do. So that’s why its better to be with your friends at recess.”)

Content & Development

This essay has adequate content and development. The writer develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support.

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Last, but not least you can learn together. When your at home you would be tutored. Then when your at school the kids can help you understand better. When your at home, you don't always understand from whom ever is teaching you. So the kids at school can help you. Plus, you can help them too. It would make you feel good to know that you helped someone!”)

The main idea of the first body paragraph supports the writer’s thesis. (“First of all, I like talking to my friends. I know you can talk to your friends on the phone but thats not as fun as talking to them in person!”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. At least three details are stated about each main idea. (“Last, but not least you can learn together. When your at home you would be tutored. Then when your at school the kids can help you understand better. When your at home, you don't always understand from whom ever is teaching you. So the kids at school can help you. Plus, you can help them too. It would make you feel good to know that you helped someone!”)

Organization

This essay contains adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion but inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The introduction creatively grabs readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ The one thing I like best about school is being able to see my friends! I can talk to them without having to hold a phone to my ear the whole time!”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. (“ First of all, I like talking to my friends. I know you can talk to your friends on the phone but thats not as fun as talking to them in person! Then if their in person, you can tell them things that you wouldn't want to tell them on the phone. Like if you won a championship, you wouldn't want to tell them on the phone, you would want to tell them in person. Now do you understand why its better to talk to people in person?

The conclusion adequately summarizes the main points of the essay. (“ See these are just a couple of examples why I like my friends at school the best. You can talk to them. Play with at recess. Best of all you can learn together. That’s why I think its good to have good friends like mine!!”)

Language Use & Style

This essay has adequate language use and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. He/she also generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied in the second body paragraph. (“ Then, you can play with them. Even just walking around and talking is fun. Like when your at home if you have an older sibling they basically just ignore you. Then when you have a younger sibling they want to play games like stuffed animals or little cars. So when your at school out at recess you can do what you and your friends like to do.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor. (“ You can talk to them. Play with at recess. Best of all you can learn together.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is adequate control of conventions and mechanics in this essay. While some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling exist, they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark , are indented or have a line break when beginning a new paragraph, and begin with a capital letter. (“ First of all, I like talking to my friends. I know you can talk to your friends on the phone but thats not as fun as talking to them in person!”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I like a lot of things about school but Field Day is the best. Field Day is the best because you get to talk to your friends and play games. There’s so many activities I don’t know what my favorite one is. Field Day is the best of the best.

Field Day is the best because its at the very end of the year. There are two teams. The blue team and the gold team. You and your team have to cooperate to win. You can gain points without doing anything, all you have to do is cheer for your team with good sportsmanship.

You can lose points by if your teammate is in a race and they slip and you say boo to that person you lose point. For example you can be awarded points by if your teammate slips and you say “nice try”. Also there’s a lot of fun games some examples is there are a lot of races and cooperative games. For the final and last time, Field Day is the best!

I have other favorite things I like about school like recess and lunch. These things are all my favorite things but Fild Day is the best. If there was a school vote for the favorite thing I think it would be Field Day.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Limited focus and meaning are exhibited in this essay. It establishes a controlling idea but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience and completes some parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“Field Day is the best because its at the very end of the year. There are two teams. The blue team and the gold team. You and your team have to cooperate to win. You can gain points without doing anything, all you have to do is cheer for your team with good sportsmanship.”)

The essay states a limited central/controlling idea. (“ I like a lot of things about school but Field Day is the best.”)

The writing style is not always appropriate for the audience. (“For the final and last time, Field Day is the best!”)

Content & Development

There is also limited content and development associated with this essay. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support.

The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. Further, the explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“Field Day is the best because its at the very end of the year. There are two teams. The blue team and the gold team. You and your team have to cooperate to win. You can gain points without doing anything, all you have to do is cheer for your team with good sportsmanship.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the essay’s thesis. (“You can lose points by if your teammate is in a race and they slip and you say boo to that person you lose point.”)

The writer does not include relevant points that explain and illustrate reasons he/she likes field day. (“Field Day is the best because its at the very end of the year. There are two teams. The blue team and the gold team.”)

Organization

Limited organization is displayed in this essay. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion and lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices.

Some background information about the topic is included in the introduction. (“ I like a lot of things about school but Field Day is the best. Field Day is the best because you get to talk to your friends and play games. There’s so many activities I don’t know what my favorite one is. Field Day is the best of the best.”)

The introduction attempts to include a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ I like a lot of things about school but Field Day is the best.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are needed. The closing of the second paragraph and the beginning of the third paragraph demonstrate this: “ You can gain points without doing anything, all you have to do is cheer for your team with good sportsmanship…You can lose points by if your teammate is in a race and they slip and you say boo to that person you lose point.”

Language Use & Style

There is limited use of language and style in this essay. It demonstrates simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety.

Sentence lengths are short. (“ There are two teams. The blue team and the gold team.”)

The writer uses the same group of words to begin two sentences in the introduction. (“ Field Day is the best because you get to talk to your friends and play games. There’s so many activities I don’t know what my favorite one is. Field Day is the best of the best.”)

Exact words are missing. (“ There’s so many activities I don’t know what my favorite one is.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Limited control of conventions and mechanics is demonstrated in this essay. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), ends with a punctuation mark, and begins with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing. (“I have other favorite things I like about school like recess and lunch. These things are all my favorite things but Fild Day is the best. If there was a school vote for the favorite thing I think it would be Field Day.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I like allot of things at school. But my most favorite thing is that I get to see my friends. It's boring staying at home. I don't like to sit around and play video games and watch t.v. Instead I like to cheer. But when i'm not doing that i'm at school. Here are some things that I like about school you get to learn new things, you get to see your friends, you also get to do cool things like make a volcano or make a rocket. I like allot of things but school is my favorite one.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Minimal focus and meaning are shown in this essay. While it suggests a controlling idea, it demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and completes few parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“But my most favorite thing is that I get to see my friends. It's boring staying at home. I don't like to sit around and play video games and watch t.v. Instead I like to cheer. But when i'm not doing that i'm at school. Here are some things that I like about school you get to learn new things, you get to see your friends, you also get to do cool things like make a volcano or make a rocket. I like allot of things but school is my favorite one.”)

In the introduction, the supporting idea of the essay is not stated. (I like allot of things at school. But my most favorite thing is that I get to see my friends. It's boring staying at home.”)

The writing style is not appropriate for the audience. (“It's boring staying at home.”)

Content & Development

This essay has minimal content and development. It develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. (“I like allot of things at school. But my most favorite thing is that I get to see my friends. It's boring staying at home. I don't like to sit around and play video games and watch t.v. Instead I like to cheer. But when i'm not doing that i'm at school. Here are some things that I like about school you get to learn new things, you get to see your friends, you also get to do cool things like make a volcano or make a rocket. I like allot of things but school is my favorite one.”)

Each main idea should be written as topic sentence in its own body paragraph. (“Here are some things that I like about school you get to learn new things, you get to see your friends, you also get to do cool things like make a volcano or make a rocket.”)

Details are minimally used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Here are some things that I like about school you get to learn new things, you get to see your friends, you also get to do cool things like make a volcano or make a rocket. I like allot of things but school is my favorite one.”)

Organization

There is minimal organization associated with this essay. It demonstrates little evidence of structure, a poor introduction and conclusion, and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of a good introduction. It also does little to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ I like allot of things at school. But my most favorite thing is that I get to see my friends.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are needed. (“ I like allot of things at school. But my most favorite thing is that I get to see my friends. It's boring staying at home.”)

The conclusion does little to summarize the main points of the essay, leave the readers with something to think about, or teach readers a lesson. (“ I like allot of things but school is my favorite one.”)

Language Use & Style

There is minimal use of language and style displayed in this essay. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ Here are some things that I like about school you get to learn new things, you get to see your friends, you also get to do cool things like make a volcano or make a rocket.”)

Sentence lengths are short. (“ It's boring staying at home.”)

The style is not formal. (“ I don't like to sit around and play video games and watch t.v. Instead I like to cheer. But when i'm not doing that i'm at school.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is minimal control of conventions and mechanics in this essay. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not end each sentence with a punctuation mark or begin each new sentence with a capital letter. (“But when i'm not doing that i'm at school. Here are some things that I like about school you get to learn new things, you get to see your friends, you also get to do cool things like make a volcano or make a rocket. I like allot of things but school is my favorite one.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

What I like about School is that we get P. E. and I have so much fun that it is not cool. But i like to do some other sutff to. like we have fun when we go out side. we have fun when we all climb all the trees too.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay has inadequate or no focus and meaning. The writer fails to establish a controlling idea, demonstrates no understanding of purpose and audience, and completes no parts of the task. The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“What I like about School is that we get P. E. and I have so much fun that it is not cool.”)

The essay does not state a central or controlling idea. (“What I like about School is that we get P. E. and I have so much fun that it is not cool. But i like to do some other sutff to. like we have fun when we go out side. we have fun when we all climb all the trees too.”)

In the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is not stated. (“What I like about School is that we get P. E. and I have so much fun that it is not cool. But i like to do some other sutff to. like we have fun when we go out side. we have fun when we all climb all the trees too.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates inadequate or no content and development. It fails to develop ideas and uses no details for support.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central idea of the essay. (“What I like about School is that we get P. E. and I have so much fun that it is not cool. But i like to do some other sutff to. like we have fun when we go out side. we have fun when we all climb all the trees too.”)

At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. (“What I like about School is that we get P. E. and I have so much fun that it is not cool. But i like to do some other sutff to. like we have fun when we go out side. we have fun when we all climb all the trees too.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“But i like to do some other sutff to. like we have fun when we go out side. we have fun when we all climb all the trees too.”)

Organization

Inadequate or no organization is shown in this essay. It demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion, as well as no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The first sentence of the introduction does not include a question, a quotation, or an interesting fact or statistic. (“ What I like about School is that we get P. E. and I have so much fun that it is not cool.”)

The introduction does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about.

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are needed. (“ But i like to do some other sutff to. like we have fun when we go out side.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ we have fun when we all climb all the trees too.”)

Language Use & Style

There is inadequate use of language and style displayed in this essay. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentence lengths are short. (“ like we have fun when we go out side.”)

The writer uses the same group of words to begin two sentences in the paragraph. (“ like we have fun when we go out side. we have fun when we all climb all the trees too.”)

The sentence that serves as the essay’s controlling idea, “ What I like about School is that we get P. E. and I have so much fun that it is not cool,” is too informal and does not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

Inadequate or no control of conventions and mechanics is also shown in this essay. There are major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer does not ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action) or begins with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing. (“What I like about School is that we get P. E. and I have so much fun that it is not cool. But i like to do some other sutff to. like we have fun when we go out side. we have fun when we all climb all the trees too.”)

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Elementary_Informative_Models_November_2015 revised.docx

Elementary Informative Prompts